#got my queue up to almost 100 again

[adrienneleclerc]

First Concert

Pairing: Keyboardist!Charles Leclerc x Reader, Singer!Lewis Hamilton x Reader, Bassist!Carlos Sainz x Reader, Drummer!Max Verstappen x Reader, Lead Guitarist!Lando Norris x Reader

Summary: Y/N goes to her first “Just An Inchident” concert and surprisingly gains the attention of the band, every girl’s dream come true

Warning: spelling and grammatical errors

A/N: let me know if you want Y/N to date ALL OF THEM or date one band member and be friends with the rest of the band.

Y/N was on Ticketmaster and so was her friend, Penelope, on her computer.

“Any luck?” Y/N asked.

“Nada.” Penelope replied.

“Come on, we’re literally number 741 on the queue, they’re going to be sold out by the time we get through.” Y/N said.

“Okay, I’m 384.” Penelope said and Y/N shuts her laptop, moving closer to Penelope. “Get me my credit card.”

“On it.” Y/N goes to look in her purse. “What number are we now?”

“193.” Penelope said.

“We are so close.” Y/N said, bringing Penelope the card she wanted.

“I’m in!!! What seat do you want?” Penelope asked.

“Whats the closest and most affordable?” Y/N asked.

“You think we can afford floor seats?” Penelope asked. “There’s a few available.”

“Yes! Get it, get it, get it! I’ll pay you back, work extra shifts!” Y/N exclaimed.

“Alright, chill, I put them in my cart. Ticket insurance?” Penelope asked and Y/N nodded. “I got it! It’s done! We are going to see Just An Inchident this October!”

“Ah, Im so excited!!” Y/N said. “You are the best bestie ever.” She hugs Penelope

“I know. Should we recreate an outfit from their music videos?” Penelope asked.

“Which music video? It could be from ‘daydream’, that’s a great song.”

“You just like it because Charles sings it.”

“I mean yes but it’s a really good song, you had it on repeat when it first came out.” Y/N said.

“I know, I know. But I wonder what made them decide to finally do a North American tour.” Penelope said.

“Well they’ve been together for 5 years, they’ve been doing European tours all the time, maybe they finally realized they had American fans.” Y/N suggested.

It is October, the band is doing a sound check

“You think we’ll be playing more American venues?” Lando asked.

“If this tour goes well, I freaking hope so.” Max said.

“We’re playing Madison Square Garden, I still can’t believe it.” Lewis said.

“Actually we sold out Madison Square Garden if you wanted to get technical.” Max explained.

“Mate, you really need to stop maxplaining.” Carlos said.

“When do the doors open again?” Charles asked.

“At 7, we still have time for everything. With what song do you want to open with?” Lewis asked.

“I think a good opener needs to be a crowd favorite but a little nostalgic, you know?” Lando said.

“How about ‘Preacher Man’ (the driver era), it is one of our songs that was number one of the billboard 100 for a few weeks, that’s a definite American crowd favorite.” Charles commented,

“Lando sings that song though.” Lewis said.

“Well we can’t open up with ‘Meddle About’ (Chase Atlantic) now Can we?” Charles asked.

“You’re right.” Lewis said.

“Great, now that that’s settled, let’s go over the rest of the setlist.” Max says.

Y/N and Penelope are waiting outside of Madison Square Garden with outfits inspired by their favorite’s red carpet look

“Ah, It’s almost time!” Penelope said excitedly

“I know!! I wonder what they’ll sing first.” Y/N said. “Do we have enough money to buy merch when we get in?”

“Yeah of course.” Penelope responded. The security guard opened the door to Madison square garden and everyone started walking in, opening their bags for security, they went to the merch table to see what’s available and bought matching t-shirts. They went to their seats.

“Oh my gosh, we are so close to the stage.” Y/N said.

“Ugh, I know, it’s insane.” Penelope said. Half an hour later, the lights went out and everyone started screaming once they heard Max on the drums.

“It’s happening!” Y/N screamed.

Spotlight hit Max who was on the drums, hen another spotlight landed on Lando as he plays guitar, another on Carlos as he plays bass, then Charles on his keyboard, altogether playing the music of ‘Preacher Man’, lastly Lewis is lifted on a platform (think of the Hannah Montana movie), the music stops.

“Whats up, New York City!” Lewis said and the crowd goes wild. “We are ‘Just an Inchident’, thank you for coming! It’s always been my dream to perform in Madison Square Garden and now I’m living it.”

“We are very grateful for our American fans, it means so much to us that you like our music.” Lando said.

“We hope we’ll keep coming back here and performing for you guys.” Charles said.

“We hope you enjoy the show!” Max says.

“I guarantee you it’s worth the money.” Carlos said, Lewis picked up another rhythmic guitar while Lando stepped closer to the mic stand so he could sing.

“Hey, Mr. Preacher Man, I've been playing with a heart like a violin, I've been stumbling through the door after 6:00 a.m., fix my soul so I don't lose a love again” Lando sang into the mic. The crowd was loving it, 45 minutes in, there’s a little intermission where the band talks to the crowd

“You guys enjoying yourselves?” Lewis asked, the crowd cheered. “Okay, where them girls at?” The women cheered loudly. “Alright, who came here with their boyfriend?” Women cheered less. “Who’s single?” Women cheered loudly again. “Now one of you lucky single ladies, if you came with your boyfriend, I am so sorry, are going to be selected to pick our next song.” The camera connected to the screens chose Y/N. The boys looked at the screen behind them, she was beautiful. “Alright darling, come closer to the stage.

“Oh my god, go.” Penelope pushed Y/N lightly because she stood frozen. Y/N walked slowly to the stage, Lewis kneeled down so he could get closer to Y/N, he admired her beauty up close.

“Whats your name, sweetheart?” Lewis asked, handing her the microphone.

“Y/N.” She replied

“That’s a beautiful name, what song would you like us to perform?” Lewis asked.

“Well my favorite song is Daydream but Friends would be great.” Y/N replied.

“Well I’ll tell you what, Y/N, we’ll perform both.” Lewis winked at her before getting back up. “How does that sound?” The crowd cheered, Y/N walked back to her seat. “Thanks for participating darling.” The concert continued, as promised, Charles sung Daydreams, Lewis sung Friends, an hour and a half later, the concert finished, Penelope and Y/N were going to leave but they were stopped by security.

“Ladies, you need to come with me.” The guard said and Penelope immediately put her hands up

“I swear I did not do anything.” Penelope said and Y/N elbowed her.

“We’re not getting arrested, right?” Y/N asked, looking at the guard.

“Of course you’re not, just follow me.” The guard said and the girls were escorted backstage and met the band, a fan’s dream come true.

"Oh my gosh, this is insane." Penelope said.

"Hey girls, what did you think of the concert?" Charles asked.

"It was absolutely amazing, the light changes to macth the aesthetic of the song, the way you sung Daydreams is also amazing, i never knew how great that song sounds live." Y/N said and Charles smiled at her.

"How about you, darling? What was your favorite part of the concert?" Lando asked Penelope.

"You singing When You Need A Man, my all time favorite song." Penelope answered.

"Before you girls leave, we should take photos." Carlos spoke up.

"Great! Heres my phone." Y/N unlocked her phone and went to the camera, asking the secuirty guard if he could take the photo, which he did, then they took individual selfies, and the girls left, saying goodbye.

"She seems nice." Max said.

"Yeah, she's beautiful too, my favorite venue we played by far." Lewis said.

"When do we leave New York?" Carlos asked.

"We're staying a few days to go on 'Good Morning America', but i am beat, I just want a pizza." Lando said.

"Yeah, we'll get a pizza and head over to my apartment." Lewis said.

"Great, lets go." Charles said.

Y/N and Penelope got to their apartment and both girls posted their concert photos, the meet and greet, and clips of them performing their favorite songs, tagging the band and the individual members on Instagram. The next day, Y/N woke up with notifications that Lewis Hamilton, Charles Leclerc, Lando Norris, Carlos Sainz, and Max Verstappen have followed her on Instagram. Y/N was smiling and Penelope was making breakfast for them.

"What's got you all smiley?" Penelope asked.

"No, nothing, what are we having?" Y/N asked

The End

Hope y’all liked it, I am so very sorry if the buildup was better than the actual fic, tell me if you want Y/N to date all of the band members or just one member

Taglist: @the-holy-trinity-l @ourlifeforchaos @weekendlusting @marekmybeloved @always-spaced-out @dark-night-sky-99 @tribbisweetdear @iangelofmusic @mrsmelinda @shadowyinfluencercloud @bountychanti @itsmaytimetosaygoodbye @jazzyanneblogzzz @anotheranotherblogwoah

Setlist: the bands are chosen for each person based on vibe

Preacher Era -The Driver Era (Lando) Wires - The Neighborhood (Max) Valentine - Maneskin (Charles) Meddle About - Chase Atlantic (Lewis) Arabella - The Artic Monkeys (Lewis) Swim - Chase Atlantic (Lewis) Did You Have Your Fun - R5 (Lando) Sweater Weather - The Neighborhood (Max) Smooth Operator - Sade (Carlos) Supermodel - Maneskin (Charles) Okay - Chase Atlantic (Lewis) Perfect Sense - Artic Monkeys (Lewis) Daydreams - We Three (Charles) Prey - The Neighborhood (Max) Friends - Chase Atlantic (Lewis) Snap Out Of It - The Artic Monkeys (Lewis) Heaven Angel - The Driver Era (Lando) Daddy Issues - The Neighborhood (Max) Fear of Nobody - Maneskin (Charles) i Wanna Be Yours - Artic Monkeys (Lewis) HER - Chase Atlantic (Lewis) Subeme La Radio - Enrique Iglesias (Carlos) {PARA MI GENTE LATINA} When You Need a Man - The Driver Era (Lando) Right Here - Chase Atlantic (Lewis) One for the Road - Artic Monkeys (Lewis) Feel You Now - The Driver Era (Lando) Baby Said - Maneskin (Charles) Void - The Neighborhood (Max) Knee Socks - Artic Monkeys (Lewis) OHMAMI - Chase Atlantic (Lewis) Timezone - Maneskin (Charles) Compass - The Neighbourhood (Max) Welcome to the End of Your Life - The Driver Era (Lando) R U Mine? - Artic Monkeys (Leiws) The Walls - Chase Atlantic (Lewis) Own My Mind - Maneskin (Charles) Reflections - The Neighborhood (Max) A Kiss - The Driver Era (Lando)

[geordikisser]

brat taming | tanner | 18+

epilogue: you have a horrible potty mouth and tanner doesn’t necessarily miiiiind that, or at all ever! until it’s towards him and he loves a power struggle soo ^_^ he doesn’t mind proving you wrong.

content contains! biting/marking, degrading, power struggle, jealous! tanner ..

⤷ afab anatomy used but gender isn’t specified! sorry ..

petnames used: sugar, honey, babe, baby, hunnybunny, slut, whore

you were live and playing some overwatch on tanners set up. he was downstairs, watching on his laptop. you were on dps and played tracer. you weren’t doing entirely horrible but your team was horrible. ☹️

“yall say hear me out and it’s on a conventionally attractive character bruh shut up.” you say mid laugh as you see the big fat ‘defeat’ on your screen. you felt so tempted to explode something. you join team chat and immediately shit on your team with every diabolical and tos friendly insults you can think of.

something you said made tanners stomach knot up. in a negative way .. the way your other teammate endorsed it sexually made him extremely like .. jealous?? is what he would call it.

bigTstreamingservice: WOAH!!!!!! ❌❌ BAD!!!! DONT SAYTHAT!!!!! 👎

“tanner shut your yap!! i say what i want. bitch.” you imitate a spit sound as you enter the practice range, now bored.

bigTstreamingservice: oh word 🤨

he types in chat as you snort. “on lone. tuh.” you emphasize you smacking your lips.

tanner finds himself getting up and walking to his room shortly after. you were searching on youtube for a subway surfers game footage to entertain your chat as you tell them a story. you’re laughing your ass off as you tell some random ass story.

“my name is larry ‘jamal’ croft winston.. i’m 17 years old.. —“ you quickly were cut off by an unsettling noise behind you.

you hear the door crack behind you, slowly spinning around in the chair. “hellou.” you say calmly. tanner can’t help but laugh his ass off. “THE ENERGY SWITCH??” he screams as you scoff. “WHAT ENERGY SWITCH? I NEVER SWITCH UP.” you say in a specific tone that just adds fuel to the flame of his laughter. “YES YOU DO?” he smiles, exhaling heavily.

he pulls a chair and sits besides you, towering over you slightly. “how’s it cooking, good lookin’.” he smiles at you all goofy. “you tryna find out?” you grumble. “100%. are you muted?” he asks as you double check quickly before giving him a ‘no’.

“bye.” he replied, smiling a bit. “i forgor..” you drool as he takes the mouse and reopens overwatch. “overwatch time!! i’ll coach you.” he huffs confidently. “girl there’s footage of you playing overwatch, i think i’ll be good.” you side eye him as he gives you a dimly look back.

“dude. shut up.” you stammer as he lets out a laugh. you queue up for a game and tanners hand ends up on your inner thigh, squeezing it comfortably. “DON’T TOUCH ME CREEP!!” you exclaim, loud enough for someone next door to hear it. he jumped and slowly turned to you, unhappy.

you begin to get frustrated at overwatch slowly and started slamming your hands on the desk like a little toddler and trying to reason with tanner each time you died or did a terrible play, him smiling and nodding.

“i hate you omg, I HATE FLASHBANG.” you whine as you squirm in your chair. he huffs out a breathy laugh as he fixes his hair, pulling it back. “who could hate this?” he says comically. “ME!” you retort almost instantly.

eventually, stream ends. you wrap it up due to tanners unsettling aura at the moment, you hope what you said didn’t actually upset him.

you turn to him and smile, “hai.” you coo out as he smiles in return. “hey hunnybunny, how are you?” he asks as he reaches for your thigh again, holding it gently. “i’m alright. overwatch sucks without friends..” you sigh out. he grimaced slightly.

tanner recently developed jealously problems that he was self aware of. he never saw himself as a jealous person, he’s really goofy and silly! until he got with you, he never realized how jealous he got over small things anyway, it was mild at the moment. he wishes he could’ve played with you instead of issac. (the person you played with)

“you could’ve played with me y’know.” he grumbled, attempting to hide this feeling. he trusted you and isaac equally, he had no reason not to. but it’s inevitable for him he feels.

you look up at him with a raised brow. he analyzes your expression and scratches the back of his neck. “cuz.. i can carry you.” he smiles awkwardly, his gaze leaving yours. “you sound a little green-eyed there tanner.” you grin.

“stop.” he groans softly as he turns away entirely. “you jealous, baby?” you lean forward. he sits there in a resentful silence.

his brows remain furrowed. “you upset isaac is better at overwatch than you?” you egg on. he slowly turns to you. “the same guy who screams when he isn’t healed in one second. that isaac is better than me.” he said more as a statement that question, laughing slightly.

“does 10-10 ring a bell.” you look away like you’re thinking. he sits up and looks at you with bitterness in his eyes, a cocky grin smeared on his face. “baby.” he started. you hum in response. “don’t start this with me.” his breathing hitched. “what are you gonna do about it, hm?” you raise your brow with a grin.

within a instance, tanners hands were on your waist and pulled you into him, kissing you gently on the lips. his tongue exploding down your throat.

you were taken aback from the sudden action and melted slightly into the kiss. realizing his plan.

you pull away quickly, your hands on his chest. “wait.” you scowl. “i see what you’re doing!!” you jump up, his hands slide down off your waist. he raised his brow confused. “what am i doing, sugar.” his tone laced with confidence. your lip quivers as you feel your face heat up. “tanner..” you huff, quietly. he stands up, towering over you once again. he slowly begins to back you up to the bed as you stumble back onto the bed.

your eyes examine his body, the bulge dented in his pants and the pattern his chest heaved up and down in. he was pent up.

“did you want this, tanner?” you grin as he rolls his eyes. “you can cut this act cuz we both know ill shut it down real quick, honey.” he sits down besides you, turns to face you and leans over. kissing you sweetly. you begin to straddle on top of him and holding his face as the kiss gets more passionate and passionate. the bulge in his pants evident against your own crotch.

tanners breath hitches as you grind against his bulge. he leans back slightly as you continue to grind against him. you smile cockily at him as you kiss his jaw. “you’re so sweet for me, tanner.” you say between kisses on his jaw, lowering to his neck. he lets out a little whimper as he begins to grip your hips slightly after. helping you grind against him.

“fuck..” he pants as you caress his cheek. he tugs at the rim of your sweats and you kiss him one final time and begin slip off your own pants, your underwear remaining.

“good..” he smirks as he pushes your back against the bed, taking you aback. you gasp as he is on top of you. “don’t act cute, such a slut.” he giggles as he slips off your undies. “i’m gonna make you forget your name, sweetheart. :3” he kisses your neck, leaving a very prominent mark on it. he lowers his head & begins to tease your hole. his tongue tickling you perfectly. you gulp and let out a heavy sigh, coming out in a shaky tone.

his hands gripping your things as he licks around your clit. you practically chew down onto your lip as your back arches into his mouth. “tanner..” you pant as you told the back of his head and begin grinding into his mouth. he stops.

“nuh uh, sorry baby.” he lifts his head and removes his hold from your thighs and holds your wrists. “you want me to abuse your sweet clit, right?” he hums. you look away, pride slipping down the drain. “y—yeah..” you huff, your eyes shut tightly. “look. don’t touch.” he removes his grab he had on your wrists previously & slaps the side of your thigh. you yelp, growling lowkey afterwards. he giggles as he begins to tongue fuck you. his attention being to your clit and then fucking you with his tongue simultaneously.

“you like that? you like when i fuck your sweet hole with my tongue?” he drags out as you can only whimper in response. “fuck… you—..” you manage to squeeze out as he pulls away to bite your thigh. “keep it cute, slut.” he spits on your abused cunt and sits up, taking off his pants. you flinch at the impact of the spit.

his hard cock flings out & he begins to stroke himself. he lets a string of spit fall to the tip of his cock and covers his cock with his spit. “you ready, baby?” he smiles at you. you nod in response. “no? awww that’s a shame.. you can watch me stroke my hard cock infront of you then.” he pouts slightly. you furrow your brows. “tanner..” you murmur. he raises his brow, humming as he acknowledges you.

“stop being a dick.” you spat in response. he smacks his lips and shakes his head. “no no no baby, that’s not how you answer.” he lowers down to your collar bone and bites down. you exclaim and he covers your mouth.

”tell me you want this dick, like a good whore would.” he pants as he continues to bite down on you. he lifts his hand from your mouth, “i-i want your cock, tanner.” you sob out as the bite marks begin to hurt more. “such a masochist.” he lifts his head and kisses you gently on the lips. “good slut.”

he puts his tip in slowly as his cock melts inside you completely. he groans out as he begins to thrust immediately, giving you zero time to adjust. you didn’t deserve it in his eyes.

you begin to drool and tear up. tanners thrusting pattern is ingrained into your hole. he begins to tend to your nipples and suck on one and tease the other one with his hand. you were already pretty close due to him teasing your clit previously. “m’close..” you whine out, pathetically. he gives you a cute smile in return. making your stomach knot up. “i love you, t—tanner..” you coo out, drunkenly. your tears staining your cheeks. “love so much..” he cries out, squeezing your eyes shut.

“i love you more, baby.” he smiled at you, kissing your cheek, now your lips. you reach your climax, moaning into the kiss. he smiles into the kiss as he pulls away. panting slightly. he pulls out and places his cock on top of your crotch and his cum drips out all over your stomach.

he lies besides you and kisses your shoulders. cuddling you as you feel woozy, recovering slowly but surely. “my sweet baby, took my cock so good for me.” he mumbles between kisses as you try to cuddle into him. he stops you immediately. “wait wait!! i don’t want my jizz on my bed.. let’s get you cleaned, ‘kay?” he grins awkwardly as you whine. “okay..”you huff as you sit up. your belly covered in cum. “my pretty pretty baby. so gorgeous.” he smiled ear to ear, as he leads you to his bedroom.

[princeanon]

I made a modern adaptation of some R&J scenes (2.4 and 3.1) for a film project, and just had to share some of my favorite moments, in no particular order

“Queen Mab get to you again?”

- Benvolio, to Mercutio

The film was called Queen Mab, and it’s centered around Mercutio, with an emphasis on his dreams and hints to a time loop situation?

There was SO MUCH DOMESTIC BENCUTIO YOU HAVE NO IDEa

Like, Ben wakes Mercutio up and calls him sUnShiNe before handing him water

Also, he calls Mercutio “Merc” a few times throughout the film

All of the characters names are shortened in the script purely because I didn’t want to type them every time (Tybalt=Ty, Benvolio=Ben, Mercutio=Merc, Romeo=Ro, and Juliet was just Juliet)

Ben is CONSTANTLY checking his phone for texts from Romeo like he’s so worried poor guy

Meanwhile Merc is tormenting him

“I can see it now:

Here lies Romeo. Died from being left on read.”

- Mercutio, about Romeo’s crush on Rosaline

Ben extends an arm to Merc as they leave, and he takes it before grabbing his dagger

When they go to find Romeo, Ben brings a notebook with him that disappears once the Merc and Tybalt fight starts

Ben is wearing a shirt that says “MERCUTIO IS MY HOMEBOY”

a necklace with a purple gem (👀)

a cute blue and green jacket

and a beanie that does not fit properly at all

Meanwhile Merc is wearing a purple MIT shirt

When Ben and Merc spot Romeo, they hide behind a tree like those classic cartoons where you can only see their upper half sticking out of the tree

Our Romeo & Juliet were in a production of Sound of Music together as Maria and Von Trapp respectively so when I told them to act in love in the distance, they just started doing the Laendler choreography

Ben shows Tybalt’s “challenge” for Romeo to Merc via his phone, which implies that Tybalt texted Benvolio and was like “hey man can you let your cousin know I wanna fight him?”

We needed a shot of our Tybalt appearing behind Ben & Merc, and Ty was insistent that he climb a nearby tree and jump out of it

That shot took 15+ takes before we even got to his part, so he spent the better part of half an hour sitting in a tree waiting for his queue.

He jumped down too early during one take and had to re-climb the tree

Merc boops Ben several times throughout the film, and we had a few very flirtatious takes that didn’t make the Final Cut because we kept breaking character

“Careful, Good Benvolio, your irrefutable temper is showing”

- Merc to Ben when he complains about Romeo’s terrible decision-making skills

He calls him “Benny boy”

During one take, he accidentally said “bunny boy” and I told him he could definitely do that purposely if he wanted

Tybalt had recently done a production of R&J, so he asked to add the “peace be with you” line into the script, which I 100% supported, we spent a while during the shoot just quoting R&J back and forth, and he noticed all of my references in the script

Romeo was instructed to enter the Tybalt scene after a specific line, so he hid around the corner and FULLY RAN into the scene yelling “GUYS GUYS YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I—“

Romeo is taller than both Ben and Merc, and he almost tackles both during his entrance

Oh my gosh Romeo and Tybalt have some kind of bromance going on IRL which is so fun but it was so difficult to get the two of them to pay attention because they were just hanging out with each other

Romeo had a line that goes “woah, Tybalt, calm down” and instead he said “Yoooo, Tybalt, chill out man” which made all of us break

When Tybalt confronts Romeo, you can hear a bird in the background, that stops the second Ty pulls out his dagger, which was accidental but iconic

I choreographed a sword fight, but Merc and Ty mostly improvised, they had a lot of fun

Our Juliet filmed the whole scene by the way, along with most of the other scenes

Also, in the script she had one line, in which she was supposed to say something with the word Capulet, and she kept joking to everyone that she was already off book

I ended up cutting the line for convenience and plot purposes, sorry Jules 😭

“Capulet”

- Not Juliet, since the line got cut

Romeo & Juliet joked about going to marriage counseling after they were struggling to film one of the scenes (J on camera, R with the boom mic)

They traded jobs after J accidentally filmed R for the entire take

In between shots, Ty and Merc were stabbing mushrooms with their daggers, Romeo was throwing rocks at a spider, and Juliet and I were just like, watching all of it happen

We had fake blood for Merc to put on his hand, and it ended up staining his hand so he spent like 10 minutes washing it off afterwards

When Merc dies, Ben holds his hand and rests his face against Merc’s head (also, he fully dies in Ben’s lap)

Then we went back and filmed the first scene and lemme tell you Mercutio is iconic but he was so so so bad at waking up

He kept asking me “how am I supposed to wake up???? How does one wake up scared???” And I was like “I don’t know man!!!!!”

Some lines taken directly from the play include “Romeo, my cousin Romeo!” (2.1) “A challenge, on my life” (2.4) “Come sir, your passado” (3.1) and of course, “Peace be with you” (3.1)

Also, Merc still calls Ty a ratcatcher, and Ty calls out to Ben and Merc by saying gentlemen

Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Took 4 hours of filming for a 4 minute long film, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I played Benvolio by the way. Probably should have mentioned that sooner.

[pierogisfilledwithpaint]

screaming into the void out of joy. I'm just gonna ramble a bit because I went to a concert, good luck to anyone reading this, it's very rambly and incoherent but I wrote this right after I came back to my hotel xO

I just came back from the sleep token munich ritual and it was fucking great, even though I was standing in the queue for like 5 hours and my feet hurt like hell and I think ill just lay in bed the next day

Speaking of queue, there were so many nice people there. I got like two bracelets, a sticker with the symbol and I even talked with other people a bit, even though my social anxiety is pretty bad, gosh all the people there were so nice 🥹

Also before the opening act started they played like a bit of music and I shit you not, they played the fucking evangelion theme 💀 I mean I was still vibing to it, but now I'm curious who put that in, maybe Vessel himself, he seems like the kind of weeb that likes evangelion. Health was also a pretty great opening act, tomorrow I'll probably dive into their discography because their music scratches something good in my brain

And the ritual itself? Fucking 100/10. The stage was bigger and better, the lights were great, Vessels vocals were phenomenal, iii is still a stickbug menace, ii slayed the drums, but I sadly didn't get enough video material of ivy, I was standing at the other side of the venue where iii and Vessel were :[ but ivy did dance for the vesselettes, iii and ivy kissed and Vessel bothered ivy as always and it was fun seeing it all up close. Oh, and speaking of the vesselettes, they got new masks and the look fucking dope! More in style of Vessels mask and they also had a little choreography with their hands and arms which just makes them look even cooler!!!

I'll probably sort trough the video material tomorrow because as I'm writing this it's almost midnight and I'm tired 💀

There's just one thing I'm kinda frustrated with, moreso with myself. Bought like 4 santa hats for the band, decorated them a but and wanted to give it to them during the ritual, but I didn't know when, I was in the front row but not at the barricades, so when the ritual ended I threw them onto the stage and I dunno feels like I failed myself, because I couldn't give it to them sooner, I just hope the band will like it

Also talking about throwing, right before the last song, someone threw a plushy vessel on stage, Vessel picked it up, pointed at it and then himself, waving his arms around in confusion and then setting the plush somewhere on stage and I think I even saw him smile. Not only when he picked up the plush but like multiple times during the show, or maybe I was just imagining things 💀 and there were a lot of hand hearts from vessel which was also very cute <3

Overall I loved it a lot and I'll hope I'll just be able to see them soon again <3

[whirlwren]

Ok so uh, gonna post some of the fanfiction I’ve written on here. Never used tumblr before but my fiance convinced me to post my writing on here. First one I’ve got is some Sidlink fanfiction. Feel free to give me tips and suggestions!

Chapter 1: On the Road, Again.

With Calamity Ganon defeated, I set out with Zelda, now the new Queen of Hyrule. Zelda had always dreamed of uniting the tribes and peoples of Hyrule. I suppose my job now was simply to escort her to different locations. Since she didn’t have a Sheikah Slate, all our traveling was done on foot or with horses. Presently, she and I were riding together towards the Zora’s Domain, planning on meeting with King Dorphan. I was focused on the road until Zelda spoke up,

“Link, what is that?” I looked up, unsure of what she was referring to, until I noticed a looming figure in the distance.

“Stop.” I said, bringing my horse to a halt and gesturing for Zelda to stay quiet as I helped her down. “That’s a Lynel,” I said, hoping it hadn’t seen us, “they’re very territorial animals, and incredibly aggressive.”

“Can you beat one?” Zelda asked, a tinge of fear in her voice.

“Yes,” I replied, “however I’m not a big fan of fighting them.”

In the distance I could see the Lynel perk up and sniff the air. My stomach dropped as I saw it turn towards us, and begin to gallop.

“You and me, trees, now. Leave the horses.” I said, dragging Zelda behind a rock just in the tree line.

Zelda didn’t argue, she simply gasped and followed my lead as we both ducked down behind the rock. I could hear the Lynel getting closer, they weren’t exactly quiet creatures. I heard the horses turn and run, I cursed silently, knowing that it would be a fine at the stables to have them returned. The Lynel slid to a stop, I peeked around the rock to get a better look at the beast that just cost me 100 rupees. I almost had a heart attack right there. I had fought Lynels, taken out entire waves of enemies, even stopped the great Calamity Ganon. None of that compared to the massive white Lynel in front of me. I held Zelda down and put a finger to my lips to keep her quiet. After what felt like an eternity, the Lynel stomped off, nearly shaking the earth with each step.

“Is it safe?” Zelda asked, fear still lingering in her voice.

“Yes, it’s gone now.” I replied. I didn’t know that. The size of that thing was unlike anything I had ever seen. I almost didn’t believe it myself.

After talking, we decided to take a different route to the Zora’s domain. I wasn’t a fan of this route, it took too long and was annoyingly steep, but it kept that Lynel far away, so I kept my mouth shut and walked. Losing the horses was a pain in the ass. Two days of walking later, we finally made it to the Domain. Upon our arrival, we found a concerning sight. The guards for the Domain were all on high alert, and security had been almost doubled.

“Stop!” Called out one of the guards. I knew that voice.

“Baz! It’s Link!” I called out, hoping that he would recognize me in the evening light.

“Link! Welcome back to the Domain my friend! I see you have the princess with you. I’ll send word to King Dorphan and Prince Sidon that you’ve arrived.” Baz replied, examining us both for any injury.

As we walked towards the main part of the Domain, several guards bowed to Zelda, as much as she tried to stop them. She wasn’t a fan of the publicity, or the extra attention it got her.

As we checked into the inn for the night, I heard the familiar sound of Prince Sidon’s voice outside the inn.

“He’s here? As in, he made it through to the Domain? I wouldn’t expect anything less from the great hero!” As if on queue, Sidon burst into the inn, eyes settling on me. “Link!” He exclaimed, running over to me and nearly tackling me to the ground in a hug.

“Hey Sidon,” I coughed a little, “missed you too buddy, but you’re kinda crushing me.” I gasped out.

He released me, looking almost upset that he had nearly hurt me.

“Prince Sidon of the Zora,” Zelda began, trying her best to keep formalities while nearly falling over laughing at the sight of the large fish man hugging me. “It is an honor to meet you again, the last we met, you were much smaller.”

Sidon looked over, apparently just now realizing the princess was there. “Princess, I mean Queen Zelda, my apologies. It is a pleasure to have you here in the Domain. Please rest the night and my father will see you in the morning,” he said, before excusing himself, probably out of embarrassment.

I went to bed, tired after walking so far the past two days. Sleeping wasn’t hard for me, which was unusual. Normally sleep wasn’t important to me, having gone days without it before. I drifted off, still thinking about that massive Lynel.

Chapter 2: It’s All In Your Head

(From Link’s Perspective)

I was running. I didn’t know why, or from what, but I was running. I couldn’t hear it, or see it when I glanced over my shoulder. Really, I couldn’t see much of anything. Suddenly I tripped on something. Falling to the ground, I finally saw my pursuant. That same white fur and massive body loomed over me. I reached for any weapon I could find, but my hands found nothing. I cursed myself for leaving my sword somewhere. The Lynel raised its sword, but I knew I couldn’t dodge in time. The sword came down, and in a moment I was sitting upright, cold sweat running down my back as I struggled to breathe. What was that dream? More accurately it was a nightmare, but still, I didn’t have those. I hadn’t had a dream in years. I stood up, walking out of the inn and out into the main courtyard, trying to calm myself down.

“Link?” I heard a voice ask from behind me. I turned around to find Sidon standing next to the statue of Mipha, looking concerned. “What are you doing awake at this hour?”

I sighed, meeting his worried gaze. “It’s nothing, just a nightmare.” I replied, trying my best to not show the fear I really felt.

He walked over, his stride smooth and slow. “Would you like to talk about it?” He asked, clearly unsure as to what to do.

“On our way to the Domain we encountered a Lynel.” I explained. “Normally that wouldn’t be so bad, but this Lynel was massive. I’d say double or triple a standard Lynel.”

Sidon’s eyes widened, realizing what I was referring to. “You saw it as well then?” He asked, clearly more concerned now than he had been. “That Lynel took out at least a dozen of our guards out on patrol. The scene it left behind was horrific.”

We talked for a while longer, Sidon seemed to be getting cold, so I suggested we go inside somewhere that he could stay warmer.

“We could go back to my living space if you’d like.” Sidon suggested gently, trying not to make it sound awkward.

I agreed, and we made the short walk back to his area of the Domain. I sat as he brought me a drink, and we caught up on the events since I had defeated Ganon. Before I knew it, light was peeking through the windows, and it was time to see King Dorphan. Leaving his chambers, I returned to the inn to grab my gear and Zelda.

I was never a fan of diplomatic meetings. They were long, boring conversations that never got anywhere. Zelda and King Dorphan had been interacting for what seemed like days when finally the meeting was complete. Zelda decided to go shopping for a bit, and visited with the people of the Domain. Typically I would escort her, but she was safe here. I spent my time with Sidon, exchanging stories and offering advice as I could. It was late in the afternoon when Baz came sprinting into the courtyard, yelling for Sidon.

Chapter 3: Deja Vu All Over Again

(Link’s Perspective)

Sidon and I hurried over to Baz, who was very clearly bleeding from a nasty cut on his shoulder.

“Baz, what happened, is everything alright?” Sidon asked, trying to keep Baz on his feet.

Baz coughed, trying to stay conscious. “They took the princess.” That’s all he managed to get out before collapsing into Sidon’s arms.

Immediately I was on high alert. Upon inspection of Baz’s wounds, I realized something that terrified me. I knew what blades made these cuts. The curved blade used by the Yiga Clan were unlike anything else I had seen before. Given the wounds on Baz, it wasn’t likely he would be awake for several days.

“I have to go.” I said, as I began running to the bridge connecting the Domain to the rest of Hyrule.

Sidon called after me, eventually coming up on my side, keeping pace easily with legs almost double the size of mine. “Link, let me help you save her.” He said, concern and worry in his voice.

I know he was trying to be kind, that was his nature. Sidon was always so caring. But I couldn’t let him get hurt trying to follow me. Without a word I just kept running, waving him off as I continued down the path.

Chapter 4: Maybe, Just Maybe.

(Sidon’s Perspective)

There he went again. Running off to save the princess. Link was always off on some mission. I would never tell him how I truly felt. That I worried about him day and night, hoping he would return to the Domain. My father knew I had a personal connection to the hero, but he did not realize how deep that ran for me. Link was amazing, his golden blonde hair and small frame was perfect to me.

I returned to the infirmary, where Baz was being treated for his wounds. He stabilized when dipped in water, but still took very shallow breaths. I stayed by his side for a week. Barely eating or drinking, and stricken with worry for both Baz and Link. I only left to speak to my father, who requested my presence to check on my wellbeing.

After a week, I finally heard a commotion from the bridge, not thinking any of it until I heard someone yell

“Isn’t that Link and princess Zelda?” I bolted up, sprinting as fast as I could into the courtyard. Across the bridge I could see Link, princess Zelda in his arms, limping towards the Domain. I ran to him, as I arrived he simply collapsed in a sudden burst of tears and rage. I heard him shout obscenities, but I was more focused on the condition of the princess and Link. Zelda looked as if she had been beaten and tortured horribly, her breath almost nonexistent, and her heartbeat was difficult for even my senses to detect.

“I tried to save her faster, I did everything I could.” Link sobbed, trying to stand again, desperately trying to get her to the Domain.

I took Zelda from him, carrying her to a nearby guard and ordering him to take her to the infirmary immediately. I turned back to Link to find him unconscious, blood soaking through his shirt. I panicked and ran him to the royal doctors as fast as I could, begging Hylia to save them both.

Chapter 5: The Cart to Gerudo

(Zelda’s Perspective)

I stood near the window, looking out over the Domain, remembering how I used to accompany my father when he would come here on diplomatic missions. I heard the sound of something shuffling behind me before everything went dark. When I woke up, I was tied to a cart being dragged by people in deep red uniforms. The Yiga clan, a group that Link had caught me up on after my return. Apparently they had formed some time after the Calamity and were intent on finding the Hero and destroying him. I could hear them whispering in hushed voices, unsure of what to do to escape with my bonds keeping me quiet and in place.

Suddenly, the cart came to a halt, as if they had sensed I was awake. As I heard them walk around to the cart I pretended to be unconscious still, hoping they wouldn’t notice any changes. As the curtain to the cart opened, I felt the heat of the Gerudo desert hit me like I was back in the kitchens of the castle learning to bake. I felt the ropes around me loosen as one of the clan members picked me up and tossed me into a cell, forcing the wind out of me as I hit the ground.

I felt one of them approach me, and nearly gasped as something poked me in the neck. The last thing I heard before passing out again was “I hope you like it here Queen. You’re going to be here a very long time.”

Chapter 6: Failures

(Link’s Perspective)

Damn it! I let my guard down once. I knew better. I got too busy catching up with Sidon to realize I still had a job to do. This is what it gets me. The Yiga had Zelda. I failed as a knight…

I ran. I ran all the way to the Gerudo desert. I didn’t sleep for days. All I could think about is Zelda. My duty. My charge. Her father once trusted me to protect her with my life. I had betrayed that trust. I knew where the Yiga hideout was. I had fought them before. I knew they would have traps waiting for me at every turn but I didn’t care. I kept running.

I killed so many. I dipped into my ancient arrow supply. I cursed their souls to oblivion. A fate worse than death. I don’t know what made me do it, I had sworn to never use those arrows on a living thing, let alone a person. All I could think about was Zelda. We had won, we had our moment of peace. And they ruined it.

When I finally found Zelda, she had been beaten and battered, clearly unconscious for several days and severely malnourished. I picked her up, ignoring my own wounds to carry her. I picked her up and I ran, harder than I had to get here. I had to get her to the Domain. It’s the only place with doctors who could fix what the Yiga had done to her.

I’m sure my arm was broken, and I probably fractured more than that, but none of that mattered. I made it to the Domain, my body giving out as I reached the outer end of the bridge. I tried to lift myself, crying and yelling to Hylia, begging her to give me strength. I felt my body completely give out, the last blurry image in my mind was that of a large red fish barreling towards me.

Thank you for reading! I’ll post more sometime when I get around to writing it. I don’t expect this to end up doing well but if people want more I’ll make more.

[spockandawe]

Hello,I absolutely adore your work! I have been binding books for a few years now (mostly scanlated manga that hasn't been licensed,and some pdf books that are too expensive for me to afford or too rare to buy). I came across your work a few months ago,and absolutely relish your posts. I was wondering if I could ask for some advice?

Do you print your books at home,or use a printing service? Because they're such massive amounts of pages if I want to do a full series...once I printed a 24 volume series and my printer reached its page limit,and I had to get it serviced to reset it😭(I know a code can be bought and used,if it happens again I intend to do that but I'd like to avoid if possible). If you use a service can you recommend any,or any general advice for finding one?

And if you print them at home, could you give some advice on how to print Quattro or snaller books? I just use Acrobat (older versions) to print in booklet setting to get a half page sized book,I would really appreciate some knowledge on how to go smaller (and save some paper)

It's okay if you would rather not answer though,or if you want to take a while,I completely understand if that's the case!

Oh my gosh, you can absolutely ask anything you want, this is my favorite hobby to enable people for! (I LOVE that you're doing this for scanlations, also! My manga hyperfixation is mostly dormant right now, but once my brain locked on to archival work for fan translations of cnovels, I immediately started anxiously circling this idea like a dog whining because it can't fit all the toys in its mouth at once, so I'm delighted to hear someone has this interest!)

I print my books at home. I've considered using a printing service for some special cases, like large paper my machine can't handle, but it was ultimately expensive enough, and my personal needs were off enough (I do high-volume, fast-turnaround work) that I've never actually followed through. I'm fortunate that a few years before I picked up this hobby, I got a color laser duplex printer (canon mf cdw644, iirc) as a gift, and it's filled all my needs beautifully, so I never had to look for another way to tackle the issue.

It is still very expensive to make as many books as I do, I've spent unconscionable amounts of money just on toner, but the math shakes out pretty clearly in my favor. Now, an issue that has occurred to me for more graphic prints would be that if a comic page has a lot of hard blacks, I'm not sure how much it would take before it was cost-effective to go elsewhere. I'm not sure if a point like that does exist, but it's a question I'd be interested in knowing an answer to!

(Laser printers tend to be more expensive up front, but cheaper to use in the long term. I do know one person who owns an ink TANK printer and sings its praises, but those can be harder to find for home usage)

One thing that I'm not sure would apply to your printer is that for big jobs, I *think* my computer and printer run out of memory and it messes up not just the current print job, but future ones I queue up after it, and switching the printer off only makes it worse. My pages start looping back to the beginning of the print job and starting over and the only fix is to reset my print spooler in my system services directory and ruthlessly cancel jobs until my print queue stays empty. I can get around that by printing smaller sets of pages at a time (1-50, then 51-100, etc), so something like that might also help coax your printer into cooperating!

And ahhhh, yes, small books! I'm a HUGE fan, I rarely print anything larger than quarto these days. I use a free tool developed by other fan binders, which I'll link right here

https://momijizukamori.github.io/bookbinder-js/

It has a lot of settings that I haven't explored in too much depth, but I use it to impose almost everything I make. There are layouts for the straightforward divide-in-half imposition (half-letter, quarto, octavo, etc), but towards the bottom there are wacky layouts, like six sheets per side of paper. There might be resources somewhere in renegadepublishing that go into more depth, but like I said, my experimentation has been relatively bland XD In general, I recommend double checking the files you get from it for whether you want to flip on the long or the short edge, but other than that, I've found the tool very intuitive and easy to use!

I hope that helps!!! I'm always delighted to help people out with any of this stuff :D

[blackchantilly]

Was tagged by @rivetgoth to list my nine favorite albums right now. This is going to be some amalgamation of all-time favorites and stuff I've revisited lately with newer (i.e. within the last couple of years) fixations -- neither an exhaustive list nor a snapshot of the specific moment. Here are just some albums I like and have been thinking about!

Public Memory - Elegiac Beat: I know I've been annoying about them lately. I've been a fan since their first album, but when I listened to this album for the first time last fall it was one of those love-at-first-listen moments. Like literally the first few notes gave me intense goosebumps and I knew I was in for a major treat. I adore the ultra-spooky downtempo sound and the dub influences, and I love how so many of the songs flow into each other. The result is extremely cohesive and artfully executed. Favorite song: "Tall in My Room"

1000 Eyes - Duality: This is the newest one I've listened to multiple times. More spooky downtempo stuff, which you will learn is a common theme in my favorites. This one leans more ambient and is mostly instrumental. It exists in the same space as Silent Hill music essentially, which makes sense because 1000 Eyes worked on the soundtrack to the game Signalis -- one of my two favorite survival horror games of the last few years. The only problem is that if I'm not careful I will fall asleep listening to this, haha. Favorite song: "Affirmation of Null"

My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult - Confessions of a Knife: I saw them live a couple of weeks ago and so I've dusted this one off a couple of times recently. I think most industrial fans would say this is TKK's most popular album. It's nearly perfect; there are only a couple of songs on it that I don't love. Favorite songs: "The Days of Swine and Roses," "Waiting for Mommie"

George Clanton - 100% Electronica: I WILL BE seeing him again this weekend, so we're about to listen to a bunch of George Clanton again! If I had to choose a favorite album of his then I guess this would be it, but Slide is a really really close second. Actually it's almost too close to call. Most would classify him as vaporwave, but I think people who aren't fans of the genre would like him because he mostly just makes pop music that sounds like it's from the '80s and '90s. I wore this album out in 2019 after I had worn out Slide and needed to move on to more of the same. Last time I saw him live I got to meet him, and he was wonderfully charming and funny. Favorite songs: "Bleed," "Warmspot," "Never Late Again"

Sacred Skin - The Decline of Pleasure: Sacred Skin is my new Drab Majesty -- I basically proselytize about them to anyone who will listen, lol. Like I imagine how I feel about certain pop-driven darkwave bands is how Christians feel about Jesus. This album has been out for a couple of years, but I still listen to it maybe once a month or so because it's pretty much flawless. I especially recommend them to fans of Tears for Fears and Duran Duran. Favorite songs: "Far Away," "Alive in the Night"

Drab Majesty - The Demonstration: Ah hell, might as well list them too. Here's another flawless album that I still listen to semi-regularly even though it's seven years old now. When I first listened to them (it was actually the song "The Foyer" that hooked me) I couldn't believe how they sounded so much like an amalgamation of my favorite classic gothy bands -- like if the Cure, Depeche Mode, and Cocteau Twins all collaborated. This is a concept album about the Heaven's Gate cult, for added fun! Favorite song: "Dot in the Sky"

Night Sins - Violet Age: I was listening to this obsessively at the same time I was listening to Sacred Skin obsessively. At the time the closest goth event to me was in Tulsa, which is a fucking nightmare of a 2+ hour drive from where I live, so my favorite thing to do on my way home was queue up this album right after the Sacred Skin album. The association lingers. I've waxed poetic about Night Sins recently so there's no need to restate all of that. I just really love their hooks and how unusually swingy a lot of their songs are. Favorite song: "Corium"

Body of Light - Bitter Reflection: I like a lot of songs from their earlier albums, but their newest release is so good and so consistent. It has a beautiful melancholic and atmospheric vibe that sets it apart. I actually preordered this on vinyl on a whim and was so glad that I did when it finally came out. Favorite song: "Never Ever"

Underworld - dubnobasswithmyheadman: I'd feel stupid if I didn't include it. This album is 30 years old and is generally lauded by gen X former ravers everywhere. I am a millennial and have never technically been to a rave (unless Happyland Music Fest counts), but I also love it very much. I've been listening to this since 2017 and it's still what I put on when I need to do some mindlessly repetitive work or just need to kill an hour and 12 minutes -- both somewhat common occurrences. A few of their albums are notably excellent, but this will probably always be my favorite. Favorite songs: "Dark & Long," "M.E."

As usual, I will not tag anyone specifically, but do it if you want!

[psychewritesbs]

Hello there!

I've been giving a little stalk through your blog and I love your posts and insights, thank you for sharing them!

Now for what I came here to say - I've read @littleholmes post on RCT and reincarnation on ch 239 and your addition to it and I wanted to give some input (albeit a bit of in a different direction) as well since I've been thinking about that topic too, if that's alright!

I was like, 100% sure Gege had disposed of Gojo for real up until he deliberately chose to make reference again to the fact that to kill a RCT user you have to go for the head. Honestly, Gege has shown us so many time that we cannot dismiss any small dialogue line in his manga because the story will always make a way to circle all the way back to it that I believe he did not just randomly drop that line there.

SO, assuming Gege did not drop that line randomly nor is baiting us into thinking that, I got myself thinking about possible ways Gojo could make a comeback and the way I see it, I think the most likely way for him to manage to survive would be through RCT usage and eventually later with Shoko and/or Yuta's intervention to fully heal; what I think is something that we must consider as littleholmes said in the original post, is that Gojo's brain is most likely as good as fried after shinjuku showdown, so i think the chances are 1) Gojo isn't able to use RCT at all anymore and is effectively dead, or 2) he still manages to use RCT but has taken so much damage to his brain that he can't use his technique anymore.

Now for character development - I think Gojo's personal identity remains in close contact with his identity as "the strongest". I think Geto underlined that when they broke up at KFC parted ways with each other, and even though I don't think Gojo truly felt like that up until that moment since he still had Geto by his side and to him, they were the strongest, I do think it ended up becoming such a "dominant" self-perception of his that probably blinded everything else about his person and made him almost involuntarily isolate from everyone.

So to say, Gojo's identity as the strongest was what shackled him.

I wonder if it would be possible for Gojo, 29, fed a self-image of something close to godhood ever since a child, to ever part ways with that perception (and what comes with it) while mantaining his technique and remaining... well, the strongest..

I'm beating around the bush but where I wanted to reach was: I think it would be curious to see Gojo as a jujutsu-less leader. For someone like him to whose self-identity was always blurred with status, wouldn't it be freeing to "go north" as a new person, as someone who has more to offer than brute power, who can guide his students from a place of understanding, and be influencial despite lack of jujutsu (which ig would be possible since HQ was masacred)?

Okay, that's it, sorry for the english, for the messy thoughts and for barging in; I just wanted to read your thoughts on this perspective! Have a nice week :)

You: sorry for my English Also you: eloquently speaks in English better than many native English speakers, including myself 🤡😂

Omg anon, you're getting bumped up on the ask queue because this is relevant to this last chapter. Thanks so much for sharing the thoughts! This is good stuff.

I'm not going to lie, I am on camp "he's ded 💀", but all of these arguments in favor of him being alive are good stuff. Gege is so unpredictable that he might just bring him back from the dead all JC style SCREAMING IN SYMBOLISM NERD.

The thing is that ego death is metaphorical, right? And ego death is a prerequisite for the kind of growth you describe for a character that created a metaphorical barrier around himself with a self-ascribed identity as the strongest.

I've gone on the record ok like who's keeping the record lol that Gojo needed to die because I truly believe that, as the pinnacle of the very thing he sought to bring down, he simply needed to die. But after this conversation and littleholme's post, I like the more nuanced approach that, yeah, that attitude he held needed to die AND be reborn into something else.

Whether he can come back from said "death" or not is still up in the air. Everything is fair game at this point with jjk!

Thanks for reaching out, the comments, but above all, sharing your thoughts!

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

OK, FULL LIST OF ALL THE REQUESTS I HAVE AT THE MOMENT, UNDER THE CUT!!

"unspecified" just means the asker didn't specifically say "can I get headcanons/reaction/fic" for the request; there might be context in the request itself implying which type of content would be best suited for it, but it's not 100% specified

and my lil "??" denotes something where I think either a type of content or an AU might apply but, again, it's not specified so I'm not 100% sure but there's something in the request which makes me lean in a certain direction

it took nearly 3600 words just to describe all the things in the list so you guys got a lot to look forward to! ... and, obviously, I have a lot to look forward to creating! <3

requests that are done and in the queue ready to be posted (in no particular order)

headcanons: reacting to S/O in shorts and a tank top during the summer [Edgar; Gregory; Herman; Lawrence]

‘kisses’ meme: #45, sleepy kisses [Edgar; Gregory; Herman; Lawrence; Sebastian]

reaction: a goth horror-loving S/O [Sebastian]

reaction: S/O who likes to fawn over them [Sascha; Wolfram]

‘card suits’ meme: 4 of spades Alois; Doll/Freckles; Joanne; Maurice]

‘soft Sunday’ headcanon meme: favorite way to receive affection?; favorite way to give affection?; are they loud and proud about their relationships, or do they keep it private?; would your muse be the one doing most of the cooking or not?; is your muse good at housework? [Peter]

headcanons: progressive falling in love [Snake]

reaction: S/O who never curses [Peter]

requests that have not yet been done

reaction: S/O who likes to hug them a lot [Cheslock; Clayton; Edward; Joanne; MacMillan; Soma]

unspecified: S/O gets sick and almost dies [modern!Agni]

fic: reader empathizing with Cheslock and they comfort each other

reaction: modern person showing up at the manor with the earls’ revived siblings who has their soul back [Alois; Ciel; Sebastian]

reaction: (male) S/O saves them but loses his life [Doll/Freckles; Maurice]

unspecified: (fem) S/O who’s short and feisty but soft around him [Joker]

unspecified: reader escapes an arranged marriage and disguises themself as a man to work as a butler, meets Grell and they both get a crush; reader’s parents come back and try to force them home, Grell shows up to rescue and confess to them

reaction: domestic life [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

headcanons: male S/O [Ciel]

headcanons: poly [Joker x S/O x Dagger]

reaction: learning S/O is a member of a K-pop group [Grey; Phipps]

headcanons: NSFW [Agni]

headcanons: arranged fiancee who’s very bold and ready for marriage (is also friends with Gregory who’s smitten with them) [Lawrence]

unspecified: S/O who’s a witch and headmistress of an orphanage [William]

reaction: S/O dying and coming back as a ghost [Alan; Eric; Grell; Othello; Ronald; Rudger; Sascha; Undertaker; William]

reaction: what hobbies do they have/would like to have? [Alan; Eric; Grell; Othello; Ronald; Rudger; Sascha; Undertaker; William]

headcanons: first kiss [Bard; Finny; Mey Rin; Sebastian; Snake]

unspecified: (fem) S/O who works retail, he walks in on her getting scolded by the manager for no reason and he stands up for her [modern!Agni]

‘sense’ headcanon meme: heart; touch [Cheslock; Clayton; Edward; Joanne; Soma]

headcanons OR scenario: first child is born [Grey]

preference: who prefers a dominant S/O?

preference: who prefers a plus size S/O?

reaction: S/O knitting them something [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

audio: escaping yandere S/O [Maurice]

‘it’s all about the yearning’ meme: “I know I fucked up. I know I did but don’t shut me out anymore. Let me in, please let me in.” [Gregory]

audio: fluff [Agni]

‘it’s all about the yearning’ meme: “Have you ever had something missing? Like something just doesn’t feel right inside you but you don’t know what it is.” [Agni]

headcanons: domestic [Patrick]

headcanons: older sister figure [Alois]

headcanons: chaotic reader [Joanne]

unspecified: older sibling figure reader [Ciel]

headcanons: angst [Maurice]

reaction: snow leopard demon S/O [Bravat; Hannah; Joanne; Snake; Triplets]

headcanons: romantic and expecting father [Rudger]

unspecified: loud, energetic girlfriend [Lawrence]

reaction: being proposed to [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

‘sense’ headcanon meme: sight; nose; heart; hands [Dagger; Peter]

unspecified: dealing with a powerful witch [Ciel; Edward]

reaction: multilingual S/O [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

fic: Vincent x plus size (fem) reader who wears glasses (insecure day or taking her somewhere special]

unspecified: ADHD reader [Alois; Ciel; Edward; Grey; Undertaker]

‘kisses’ meme: 44, kissing every finger [Agni]

‘kisses’ meme: “free space” [Dagger; Peter; Snake]

unspecified: getting a handmade blanket from their S/O [Alois; Ciel; Edward]

unspecified: Cheslock crushing on a student rep from a collaborating girls’ academy

‘it’s all about the yearning’ meme: “Just let me look at you for a little bit.” [Agni]

scenario: Joker taking his S/O and twin daughters out to the current city they’re living in, the girls drag them into a candy shop

unspecified: plus size insecure S/O [Joker]

reaction: meeting a modern person with modern technology who shows them videos, etc. [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

unspecified: S/O who can shapeshift [Alois; Ciel]

unspecified: fluff [Alois]

scenario: S/O gives birth to their baby [Joker]

unspecified: protecting S/O on the Campania [Edward; Grey]

unspecified: trying to make a relationship work with limited time together [Wolfram]

headcanons: dealing with reader being sleep deprived [Cheslock and Gregory]

unspecified: S/O who makes (a very specific genre of) music as a coping mechanism [Alois; Astre; Ciel; Sebastian]

reaction: having to take care of their younger sibling [Cheslock; Clayton; Edgar; Edward; Gregory; Herman; Joanne; Lawrence; Soma]

fic: William x reader cooking together while he finally relaxes

fic: Wolfram x motherly reader singing lullabies to Sieglinde

unspecified: a day in Joker’s life taking care of baby Ellis, leading the circus, looking after his wife, and following Kelvin’s orders

unspecified: Beast x S/O training Betty after “The Sebastian Incident”

unspecified: NSFW, S/O’s first time and being gentle [Agni]

unspecified: S/O who can use death magic [Alois; Ciel]

fic: Soma rescuing reader from an abusive home after a relationship that starts with letters

‘card suits’ meme: 2 of spades; 3 of spades; 6 of diamonds; 8 of diamonds; ace of clubs; 3 of clubs; 4 of clubs; jack of clubs; queen of clubs; ace of hearts; 2 of hearts; 3 of hearts; 6 of hearts; 8 of hearts; 9 of hearts; queen of hearts; king of hearts [Peter]

fic: Ciel finding out his (male) S/O was part of the cult but was forced to participate

reaction: Undertaker, confronting his wife who’s responsible for the Phantomhive manor burning and the twins being in the cult, because she was jealous of his spending time with the Phantomhives

reaction: same-gender S/O [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

scenario: NSFW, bottom Joker x (male) S/O get interrupted

fic: Edward x reader (Ciel’s older sister) after Madame Red’s funeral

reaction to the scene [Bard; Ciel; Finny; Lizzie; Mey Rin; Sebastian]

headcanons: NSFW [Rudger]

unspecified: planning an engagement party with his S/O [Grey]

love letter: Grell

fic: soulmate AU, time freezes when you and your soulmate are in a room together for the first time and unfreezes when you make eye contact [Sebastian]

reaction: soulmate AU, everyone is born with a tattoo which glows when you meet your soulmate and fades to grey when they die, reader’s was grey from birth but starts to glow one day [Alan; Eric; Grell; Othello; Ronald; Rudger; Sascha; Undertaker; William]

free space! any character, concept, anything!

headcanons: with a tall angel-killing witch S/O [Grey]

fic: Arthur Conan Doyle x reader, she goes to his residence to invite him to The Event because Ciel thought he’d be more relaxed with a date

headcanons: big boobed girlfriend who lets them use her breasts as a pillow when they cuddle [Edgar; Gregory; Herman; Lawrence]

headcanons: big boobed girlfriend who lets them use her breasts as a pillow when they cuddle [Cheslock; Clayton; Edward; Joanne; Soma]

unspecified: enemies to lovers, fox demon future S/O [William]

audio: Terms of Service AU [Peter; Snake]

unspecified: crow or cat hybrid S/O [Alois; Ciel]

fic: Finny spending the day with his baby boy

unspecified: Derrick x S/O who tries (and succeeds) at helping him be a better person

unspecified: poly [Edward x (male) S/O x Cheslock]

headcanons: pole [Joker x S/O x Sebastian]

audio: Joanne being kissed and cuddled

unspecified: S/O from the future [Aleister]

unspecified: interested in a servant working at the Phantomhive manor [Aleister]

scenario: the one(s) Ciel wants revenge on is/are dead already, how Ciel and his soulmate feel and how Sebastian reacts

audio: Grell x listener, listener gets home late and Grell jumps on them, having been worried

scenario: soulmate AU, Aleister meets (fem) S/O at an auction ball, things are dull before they meet but then they make eye contact and he buys her

fic: Maurice x reader, after his exposure no one else wants to associate with him and they comfort him after he’s bullied

unspecified: S/O who suddenly gets sick and he’s frustrated that he can’t help her [Agni]

reaction: S/O getting catcalled [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

sex + romance headcanon meme: 💦; 😘; 😊; 👍; 😉; 💯; 👰; 🌼; 🏩; 🎆; 💕; 🔥; 💑; 👀; 👎; 💲; 🎀; 💝; 💘 [Peter]

audio: fluffy, waking up next to him in the morning and getting breakfast together [Dagger]

unspecified: S/O who wears comfy clothes when they get sad (which is frequently) [Alois; Astre; Ciel; Maurice]

reaction: S/O getting shot, they survive but it’s still serious [Alois; Ciel; Edward; Grell; Grey; Ronald]

headcanons: monsterfucker Peter with a beast-like monster S/O

audio: confession [Snake]

fic: reader is a new addition to the circus troupe and saves a snake from being tormented by hecklers [Snake]

fic: Sebastian x maid!reader, reader is usually obedient but decides to test Sebastian’s patience and receives a cheek grab and voice shift to his ‘true’ voice

preferences: which boys would like bath bombs/what kind?

Fic: Snake x (fem) reader, reader lets the snakes do whatever they want, climbing on her, etc., and one day comes to Snake for help because one of the snakes (or more?!) is stuck under her clothes

fic: platonic Grell and child reader fluff

reaction: S/O with chronic allergies [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

headcanons: Terms of Service AU, relationship with app owner [Maurice]

reaction: Terms of Service AU, playing FNAF [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

headcanons: killers in a horror movie [Alois; Ciel; Doll/Freckles; Maurice]

reaction: child reader who’s disabled and doesn’t ‘fit in’, they befriend the circus troupe, then the troupe find out reader has ‘normal’ friends who care for and help reader as well as do friends’ parents and when asked just say, “isn’t that what friends do?” [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

‘things you want to hear’ meme: “I feel like I can tell you anything” and “you know what I love about you?” [Peter]

headcanons: S/O has kids from a previous marriage [Doll/Freckles; Peter; Snake]

unspecified: Trancy nurse survival AU, multilingual reader who scolds the Triplets in another language when they purposely get themselves into mishaps

audio: listener comforting Maurice after a nightmare

audio: angst [Maurice]

unspecified: demon AU, with a human S/O [Beast; Bravat; Doll/Freckles; Grey; Phipps]

headcanons: platonic, someone in the form who’s the ‘fixer’, an inventor who inadvertently creates messes [Edgar; Gregory; Herman; Lawrence]

fic: Phantomhive servants and maid!reader who’s the newest addition, they all throw her a surprise birthday party

unspecified: inventor S/O [Grey]

unspecified: angst [Grey]

unspecified: S/O who’s insecure about not being a proper lady [Grey]

unspecified: poly [John x S/O x Phipps]

headcanons OR scenario: Cheslock’s little brother coming to Weston

unspecified: doctor S/O, fluff and wholesomeness [Peter]

unspecified: doctor S/O who surprises him by wearing nothing but her white coat [Peter]

songfic: “Love Story” by Taylor Swift [Dagger OR Peter]

‘eyes emoji’ meme: eyes [Peter]

audio: fluff, listener just getting home after being away for a while [Alois OR Ciel]

unspecified: Hispanic S/O who thinks his accent is sexy [Peter]

unspecified: trying to cheer up his grumpy S/O with bad jokes [Joker]

unspecified: on a stroll with their girlfriend and she jumps in a river to save a child in danger [Alois; Ciel; Edward; Grey]

unspecified: comforting their girlfriend who lost her niece in an accident [Edward; Grey; Ronald; Undertaker]

audio: date night or Christmas, wholesome [Peter]

songfic meme: “Leave Out All the Rest” by Linkin Park [Alois]

songfic meme: “I Wouldn’t Mind” by (S)He is We [Maurice]

unspecified: S/O who sings or hums while they’re giving him massages [Jumbo]

unspecified: S/O walking in on the scene where Joker touches Beast’s leg from behind

audio: Terms of Service [Dagger, Finny, OR Wendy]

unspecified: S/O who writes music dedicated to him [Peter]

headcanons: as fathers [Dagger; Joker; Jumbo; Peter]

‘things that you want to hear’ meme: “I missed you” [Dagger] and “you’re my favorite person in the world” [Peter]

headcanons: wealthy S/O who spoils them out of love [Dagger; Peter]

audio: Valentine’s Day [Dagger OR Peter]

unspecified: S/O who’s always tired and works a lot, and finally they get to spend time together [Grell]

unspecified: badass Mey Rin in a bind

‘105 comfort’ meme: “you’re perfect just the way you are” [Peter]

‘105 comfort’ meme: “you’re allowed to be weak” [Jumbo]

‘105 comfort’ meme: “I’ll take care of it” [Peter]

unspecified: NSFW, artist boyfriend [Grey]

unspecified: (fem) S/O who’s wealthy and likes to spoil him [Dagger]

unspecified: (fem) S/O who composes a theme for him as a gift [Finny]

unspecified: (fem) S/O who’s a child psychologist [Wolfram]

songfic: “That Would Be Enough” from Hamilton [Dagger OR Peter]

headcanons: reader from the 21st century [Edgar]

reaction: S/O learning Latin so they can dirty talk to him [Sebastian]

unspecified: reader getting frustrated with homework and trying to help them [Lawrence]

songfic meme: “I Choose” by Alessia Cara [Jumbo OR Snake]

unspecified: AFAB nonbinary reader sneaks into Weston and befriends the P4 [besties with Gregory; falls for Edgar]

unspecified: confident and badass S/O, SFW and NSFW [John]

‘nonverbal’ meme: “beat”, “kiss”, and “loop” [Finny]

‘headcanons part 3’ meme: 🫀,🏉; 💥; 👓; 💍; 🏛; 🧭; 🚓; 🧬; 📖; 🤱; ⏰; 🚌; 🥀; 👊; 🩹; 🌊; 🏭; ⚰️; 🦁; 🔒; ⛓ [Peter]

fic: platonic, angel!reader saves Alois from being killed by Claude and gives him his happy ending as a mother figure

reaction: Doll/Freckles, playing horror games with her S/O

audio: cuddling [Soma]

reaction: reader confessing to an affair… but the ‘confession’ is a joke [Ciel; Doll/Freckles; Joanne; Maurice]

unspecified: platonic sisterly reader (lullaby?) [Doll/Freckles]

reaction: taking care of their S/O after a serious carriage accident [Bard; Ciel; Edward; Finny; Grey; Ronald; Undertaker]

songfic: “Heaven’s Light” from The Hunchback of Notre Dame [Doll/Freckles]

unspecified: girlfriend who brings him breakfast in bed on special occasions [Dagger]

unspecified: Bard x reader

unspecified: S/O who doesn’t drink alcohol [Peter]

unspecified: S/O who likes to cuddle and will sometimes tackle-hug them [Finny; Ronald; Snake; Undertaker]

palette meme: #39, “Absinthe Mage” [Peter]

preference: who would be okay ‘meeting the parents’?

songfic: “Hacerte Mía” by La Ross Maria and Nino Freestyle [Dagger OR Finny]

songfic meme: “Sea of Lovers” by Christina Perri [Dagger]

songfic: “Sneakin’ Around” from Star vs. the Forces of Evil [Dagger]

unspecified: S/O who works as a stand-up comedian [Undertaker]

unspecified: multilingual S/O who mumbles “I love you” in another language (with pet name) while cuddling [Dagger; Peter; Snake]

reaction: S/O studies psychology and will teach if asked [Beast; Dagger; Doll/Freckles; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake; Wendy]

unspecified: Southern/Texan S/O who’s good at cooking [Bard]

unspecified: S/O who’s strong and protective [Peter]

fic: Joker x reader, reader is Doc’s apprentice and a good person trying to learn, they end up seeing Joker a lot and things develop

fic: based on the “guess again” scene from Game of Thrones [Peter]

reaction: S/O surprises them by adopting an orphan [Ciel; Edward; Grey; Phipps; Undertaker]

unspecified: S/O on the autism spectrum [Peter]

unspecified: S/O who’s a jazz and blues singer at a high-end establishment [Bard; Ciel; Finny; Mey Rin; Sebastian; Snake]

unspecified: walking in on (fem) S/O on a phone call and overhears her praising him to her family [Peter]

audio: Terms of Service AU [Dagger; Peter]

‘things that you want to hear’ meme: “there’s my beautiful bride” OR “I’m the luckiest man alive” [Beast; Wendy]

‘things that you want to hear’ meme: “I can’t stop thinking about you” OR “last night was incredible” [Peter]

songfic: “Remember Me”/“Recuérdame” from Coco [any character]

fic: survival AU (Safe & Sound AU?) Dagger x (fem) S/O reminding him that he’s important and enough

fic: angsty pining and fluff, reader is a big younger and pining for him, he thinks they should find someone younger [Bard]

unspecified: Phantomhive staff training ready to defend the manor

fic: reader fights Wolfram with Bard while escaping and they share angsty dialogue during the fight, then they start to grow closer again after Wolfram’s sacrifice

fic: anything [Undertaker]

unspecified: platonic, singing to the birds in the garden [Finny]

songfic: “Love Story” by Taylor Swift [Finny]

headcanons: Cheslock, any thoughts not already mentioned

reaction: fiancee being a witch [Edward]

headcanons: S/O who’s cheery around him but not so cheery around others [William]

reaction: (fem) S/O who’s hypermobile with knee problems [Dagger; Finny; Peter]

fic (??): visiting (fem) S/O at work but she’s dealing with nasty customers [modern!Agni]

scenario: fluff, S/O who loves baking [Snake]

unspecified: being a single parent [Bravat]

headcanons: reader who uses a (personalized!) cane to walk because of an accident [Alois; Ciel]

‘botantical’ headcanon meme: abatina; amaryllis; anemone; chrysanthemum; gardenia; heliotrope; hibiscus; ivy; marigold; peony; rose [Peter]

‘botanical’ headcanon meme: anemone; chamomile; daisy [Cheslock]

headcanons: wedding details [Grey]

fic: he comes to the hospital after reader gets hit by a car (fluffy ending) [modern!Agni]

‘botanical’ headcanon meme: amaryllis; hibiscus; ivy [Dagger; Joker]

reaction: (fem) S/O who’s an opera singer [Dagger; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake]

reaction: hypermobile (fem) S/O’s joints start clicking and popping as they’re sleeping next to her for the first time [Dagger; Joker; Jumbo; Peter; Snake]

unspecified: adjusting to each other’s tastes and traditions [modern!Agni]

unspecified: keeping their relationship with (male) S/O a secret [Ciel; Joanne]

reaction: selectively mute S/O who owns a sassy, filthy-mouthed macaw [Cheslock; Grey; Phipps; Snake; Triplets]

unspecified: hypermobile (fem) S/O who goes to the doctor for knee problems and then buys him something nice [Peter]

reaction: hypermobile (fem) S/O with knee problems [Agni; Soma]

‘gemstone’ headcanon meme: amazonite; apatite; cat’s eye; citrine; diamond; diopside; emerald; fluorite; iolite; jasper; kyanite; onyx; opal; peridot; rose quartz; spinel; tiger’s eye; tourmaline; zircon [Peter]

reaction: helping their hypermobile (fem) S/O with physical therapy exercises [Bard; Ciel; Finny; Sebastian; Snake]

fic: continuation of modern!reader telling the future in riddles [Alois and Ciel]

reaction: friend/companion bringing (Astre/Luka) back to life [Alois; Ciel]

reaction: hypermobile (fem) S/O with knee problems [Grey; Lau; Phipps]

‘kiss & tell’ prompts: finally kissing the person you’ve been pining for; neck kisses that turn into love bites; wiping away your lover’s tears as you kiss them; a kiss while being reunited after a long time; kissing your lover in a moment of sheer joy; a kiss to wake you lover up in the morning; kissing your partner to seal a marriage; a risky kiss between forbidden lovers; a possessive kiss in front of a jealous third party [Peter]

‘kiss & tell’ prompts: a kiss to shut them up [Peter]

‘kiss & tell’ prompts: a possessive kiss to stake a claim [Lau]

unspecified: helping reader through a bad panic attack [modern!Agni]

‘settings’ prompts: 029, an extravagant greenhouse [Finny OR Snake]

reaction: hypermobile (fem) S/O with knee problems [Edgar; Gregory; Herman; Lawrence]

unspecified: moving house and it’s stressful but they’re still sweet to each other [Agni]

unspecified (fic??): (male) Reaper S/O, fluff, long day ends in stargazing and S/O falling asleep [William]

scenario: shy fem S/O [MacMillan]

scenario: having to escort his S/O to a graveyard at night for some reason [Grey]

headcanons: life before the troupe, birth family, etc. [Jumbo]

headcanons: NSFW [Jumbo]

headcanons: modern (what he usually does after uni, how he flirts, etc.) [Cheslock]

headcanons: scientist friend brings Luka back as a surprise [Alois]

headcanons: angsty, he discovers a horrible and ugly secret of reader’s [Maurice]

audio: helping hypermobile (fem) S/O with knee problems [Peter]

headcanons: when Anne gets sick vs. when her children get sick (Safe & Sound AU)

headcanons: cuddling [Jumbo]

audio: watching a documentary about London’s kidnapped children with Listener (Terms of Service AU??) [Doll/Freckles]

headcanons: hurt/comfort about family relationships [Ciel; Doll/Freckles; Joanne; Maurice]

‘stonework’ headcanons: rosy haze; touch; fog [Peter]

‘cupcake’ picrew meme: Peter

‘cupcake’ picrew meme: Dagger; Joker

‘tea’ picrew meme: Peter

‘stonework’ headcanons meme: coral fragments; brickwork shadows [Dagger; Peter; Snake]

‘stonework’ headcanons meme: apatite tic; chatter [Dagger; Peter; Snake]

[ekwolfwood]

Happy New Year I wanted to be back and I actually had a post about the bad things AND the good things complete with photos but it fucking uuhhhhhhhhh broke? So. Yeah. I'll try again but nooo, no photos for me i guess.

but anyways HELLO WORLD, MY QUEUE IS ACTUALLY ALMOST DEAD I HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY AVOIDING THIS PLACE FOR REASONS UNKNOWN EVEN TO ME.

but yeeeeah about that 2023. its been a ~real bad year~ huh, or was it just me? Thought I'd throw up a little end ofthe year wrap up, but have been putting it off because a lot of it sucked.

Between multiple deaths in the family, covid still doing its plaguebearing thing, so much fucking stress, worsening symptoms and endless doctor visits and even worse fatigue thats left me in bed most of each week, im... it seems like i got nothing done.

But it wasnt all bad! I'm trying to think on all the things i did this year (and a LOT of things i acquired this year i did... a lot of retail therapy for the first time in my life really???)

-I cant believe i got to see a Rick Riordan Q&A live, like, it seems like AGES ago but was only this year???? It was a genuine bucket list item for me

-i started drawing again??? And im kinda improving???? Id like to share some of it one day somewhere?? Scary.

-got to dip my toes back into cons again! Only the safe/outdoor ones, but it was nice seeing folks again, despite some drawbacks (like AN being 40°C and witnessing a real stupid truck crash, and Yeti being nothing but stress overall and causing some ~brand new (old) symptoms~)

-I started my new life of cosplaying my own OC's over other things. Being Virtue (my dnd pastel barbiecore nightmare child) was absolutely freeing, i cant wait to make him 7 million new outfits

-especially because i got to do a freaking location shoot at a super cool, very out of the way waterfall, with a reflecting pool. i cant wait to bring so many things there

-also did a waterfall tour of Owen Sound. soooooo many dnd/dragon age/etc shoot ideas

-im also saving up for a few dream dragon age costumes, and its gonna be like uhhhhh.... $500ish worth of scalemail? (for two seperate projects)

-speaking of dragon age, i got alex into inquisition and i've become a nightmare about it again im not sorry

-alex and i went halvsies on thigh high boots that are 100% for my Lavellan, because he's a thot and deserves them

-tell me not to spend another like $150cdn on the official shirts. theyre just. so SOFT. they are a pure sensory joy.

-i bought so many cardigans from independent artists, on preorders. and like none of them are here yet but next falls gonna be 👌👌👌

-i have a lolita problem. got to wear one of my fanciest to the cherry blossoms at the height of my pain flares back in the spring! i now have two new dresses on top of that! there's a third im eyeing right now to go with one of my new cardigans! its a real problem y'all 😂

-but by far my biggest and best decision was i saved up for two solid years and was able to buy myself A FREAKING PS5 without breaking budget at all?????? I'm genuinely proud of myself, this was the exact opposite of an impulse buy??? even got to gift a friend the CoD game that came with it, because i was never gonna touch that lol

Next year better keep up the good things, and no new fucking symptoms. Also, depending on the Yeti news, im not letting myself be that fucking stressed this time around.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Needless Guilt and Validating Neglect

Yesterday, J and our son and I went out and bought a new car. It's meant to primarily be my car. It's so nice. It's an electric car, so it's very quiet, and it never smells (except for that new car smell...it still has that). It never needs gas or an oil change. It's a pretty color and it has a feature that automatically starts my Spotify queue when I get into it. But I feel guilty about having it.

I feel like I didn't/don't work enough to have this nice, new car; I feel like I shouldn't have this when other people can't afford to have it. I worry about the money. I worry that I don't deserve it. Even though I've driven the same car for 14 years prior to yesterday, I think I do plenty of valuable work in my home and family, and I just started working outside home again too. I still feel...guilty for having something nice.

I went out shopping with my mom today too, something I've done probably over 1000 times in my life. I only spent about $95, and I bought 8 shirts for my new job and a pair of jeans for my son. That averages to just over $10 an item, and it was things we needed, and under $100 total, and I feel indulgent for spending it. I'd feel that way without the recent family drama involving my brother and his wife, but that mountain of shit just makes it worse...more layered and complicated, and I feel frustrated with myself for letting that situation add layers and complications to my already needless feelings. My brother and his wife are hugely in financial debt, and unlike a lot of people in general, particularly a lot of people in their age range, they arrived that way entirely from reckless spending and other behaviors. There's no addiction, no crushing student debt, no expensive medical or legal emergencies, no accidents, no unfair pay for their work (no more than other working people anyway), no crazy raised rent (no more than other working people anyway). It really was just a lot of buying whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it, without considering any consequence. Now my parents and J and I are involved to help them dig out of the giant hole they've made for themselves. Which they resent some. And it's so repetitive and remedial, going over such basic, elementary finance, that it's even annoying our teenage son. So while we were out, my mom said, "I've got one taking me out shopping in a nice brand new car and the other one is worse than flat broke."

I think she meant it to make me feel good; she meant it as some kind of compliment to me. But all I could think about when she said it is that she very deliberately raised me to know that I couldn't depend on her (and therefore anyone, really) for anything, and to not have any needs or desires. She raised my brother in such a way that he knows she'll always be there to bail him out when he fucks up and that he deserves and should just go get whatever he wants, as much as he wants, whenever he wants it. So in this odd way, now she feels like how she raised me was the 'right' way. That she was right to not meet my emotional needs and shame me for wanting anything and making me be an almost pathologically independent person who is accommodating to and responsible for other people in the extreme. My good life now with J is validating her neglect. She thinks it's good that I can't enjoy my new car and I feel bad that I bought a lot of new shirts for myself today.

[learning2fly05]

6/23/24:

So it's been a good while. I'm better from my surgery and it's been 8 months. I had a follow up appointment with my Dr and that's what I might have left off with on my last post. Everything is still good and I do have scars, but now I got leftover flub there. I'm thinking of working out that area and starting sometime in August or September of this year and doing it for a year. I gotta find the right workout exercises for that.

My sister and nephew came to visit me in December and had a great time. We showed them around, of course, and they looked and felt more relaxed than ever before. I hope they come visit more often now that they see that they can come and see me and actually not need to worry.

Happy New Year by this point and well, work is work. I actually can say that I love my job. I never really could say that before. The only time my mind hates it is when I get placed in a specific queue since a coworker never puts comments of the actions they have done. I always need to read their responses and what they have mentioned to the customers previously and that can take awhile. Even though I started off in this queue and learned the actions I do now in other cases, but comments on the actions you have done are crucial in our department and mainly with the type of cases/accounts we handle. Maybe it will nip it in their butt of not adding comments one day. I also am the only one who is adding or working on a guide for those type of accounts for others and putting my heart or soul in it and nothing from others, yet I'm not included in crucial meetings as well. Hopefully they notice that sooner or later that they should include me in these meetings , but we shall see how that goes and that it will backfire on them one way or another.

Recently I also was told and my coworkers as well, that I was the reason they made a club called the "Hundo Club". Meaning that if someone got 100% on their call grades for the whole month then you're in this club. Yes, I've been on this club since August and quite honestly longer than that. I was the same way in the last department I was in, always getting 100% on my calls/cases. I do with what I got trained with and add any new material as well. It's not that hard and when you see points were deducted that shouldn't have been, then defend yourself to get that back and throw the proof you found of it too. I've done it and got my points back. Now my supervisor is wanting the rest of the team to get into this club. I bid them good luck but that's the pressure they're not used to and shouldn't have been done. With this club and just other things being viewed, I've gotten points accumulating through the months and then for the quarter. This last time of points I almost fainted since our supervisor pushed for each of us to give us the max we could get and that was a lot of points. Lets just say that we were able to afford to get another electric litter box cause of my points, plus some accessories. Thinking of checking into Southwest gift cards or a cruise for us. Something for us to look forward to.

Other than this my husband got let go from his job around the end of January. Since then he's been getting unemployment and also studying to get his certifications up to date and others to get a better job. He has worked his butt off thus far and some job leads, but nothing grasping from the employers. I just pray he gets a job that's worth and sees his worth, time and better pay than his last one. We shall see what he gets soon.

My parents did come to visit and surprised me again. We had the talk of not surprising us cause it just stresses us out with organizing the house for them in less than an hour of being notified. Also what if something happens to them along the way, then what? They understood and they said they won't do it again. Lets also see if that happens.

We are now crazy cat lady and guy. We take care of all the strays in our area of our home. We got a total of 30 cats or over 30 since if you want to include their kids haha. We got 10 kittens roaming our properties and underneath our house, with their monsters of course. We only got 5 cats of our own indoors and 2 dogs, but they all have a spot in my heart and don't mind it at all.

We also decided to go and do Ancestry boxes. We shipped them about a week ago and we will see when we get our results. I just hope I don't get any bad news of half siblings or anything like that. I wouldn't know how to handle that type of news.

[fizzingwizard]

Was curious how many of the Sims 4 bugs on this list I've encountered… it's a lot

Part One because I guess this is too many bugs even for tumblr hahaha

Jumpy Animations/Sims teleport - since a long time ago but worse now Routing/Sit down issue on several interactions - love to watch my sims wander around like ants looking for somewhere to sit with a chair right in front of them. especially love when I tell me sim to go play a game at the card table in the same room, and instead they go outside, walk around the entire house, come back in and then sit at the table. guess they just felt like a walk first lol Music from other modes Plays During Live Mode - yup and usually overlapping. fix with restart but it often happens in CAS where you lose all your stuff if you quit… Lag for menu to show up when clicking on objects - especially the fridge/oven!!!! Sims keep moving after paused Sims do DU homework under laptops - not just DU tho I get this for anything that can be done at a table, including eating, and sometimes it's not even a portable laptop but a computer Sim won't accept queued commands/ Sims don't do actions - this was supposedly "console" but as a non-console player I know it happens to the rest of us too. also to most of us Lots with manipulated terrain look realistic/strange in world view - idk if this is a bug, i think probably that's just how it appears. but it is weird Fishing Identification for active Sim with no fishing skill - I think this one has been around since base game. Sims 4 really wants everyone to love fishing. I'll be like. mourning the death of Sim Grandpa. And all of a sudden 6-year-old Sim Grandson will "identify the Perch!" Multiple daily calls for sim to switch careers - CONSTANTLY. EVEN WITH PHONE ON SILENT MODE! Excessive use of Cross Stitch Basket - yep. I get it the worst with cross stitch, but I find it annoying that other hobbies which cost money like knitting and painting are autonomous as well. Either there should be a "practice" object which is the default and is free or this stuff shouldn't be autonomous. Food too tbh… I have tried playing rags to riches before, and one reason I gave up was just this - it was so hard to keep control of finances because sims have no concept of saving pennies lol Railings Clipping Through Walls - hate this so ugly Multi-story columns misaligned Foundation becomes see-through Sim Gets Fear of the Dark After Being Cured - all the fears and wants sucked. they're boring, curing then is boring, they have little impact except just ruining your sims day, and YEAH, they come back after being cured!! best to turn it off just like neighborhood stories Constantly dirty surroundings moodlet from Pressure Cooker and Kettle - I'm not 100% sure I've got this one, I will check the next time I play. However I've had multiple issues with these objects: sims constantly cooking with them when their queue is empty, and constant fires originating with them. Lately my sims was complaining her kitchen was dirty but I could not find anything dirty. She's a Neat sim, but even after having her clean everything, and then going into build mode and moving stuff to look for plates that might have gotten stuck under objects and are hard to see, the room still registered as dirty. I'm thinking it was the pressure cooker or kettle, or maybe even pizza oven which she also has Upgraded beds give two contradictory moodlets - yup spend hours upgrading your bed and the sims like "what a bad sleep!" Sims on home lot don't take care of needs when active sims away - yeah two sims in my house recently almost starved bc of this NPCs take food ordered by active Sim - yup! again ruining my rages to riches haha No evolve option (ready to evolve) - yes and yes I've checked that the plants are in season. Also having major issues with other gardening things especially on community lots Very High Household Bills While On Vacation Campfire causes too many fires - really frustrating for me bc I use the campfire a lot. I absolutely love camping gameplay but between constant fires and thunderstorms where you're 100% guaranteed to get electrocuted (9_9) it really sucks

[aquarianlights]

OKAY FINALLY....HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. I’M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG AND SO LATE. FUCK.

((C/Ped this from a FB post, so there may be a few...not understandable things here, but for the most part, you'll get what I'm saying. Tried to edit it to fit a generalized linguistic standard, so to speak. Idk. I tried. Here you go.))

OKAY Now that I'm finally not entirely exhausted and am not ready to jump off a bridge (yet), I am gonna fucking type this up coz everyone is asking me what's going on and I can't keep up with y'all. Damn. Okay, so. . .

The past two weeks have been fucking...awful. Literally the worst two weeks of my life I had ever had. It began with me doing something VERY illegal and my mom figuring it out when I didn't think it would happen the way it did. In fact, for someone who has a catastrophic thinking problem, I'm surprised this scenario did not enter my mind at any moment.

It was the moment I said "Wow. I really am a drug addict." I mean, I've known I was an addict for literally years but after what I did, I just couldn't even...I mean, this is something I could have gone to prison for life or double life for. So it kinda just...woke me up and I was like "fuck" but I kept going anyways and then I ran out of pills and everything else and didn't know what to do. . . which is precisely the moment my mom had found out what I had done.

Bad timing.

So she blocks me in the basement with her car so that I can't use my car. And it's been YEARS of me saying to my father "Can I PLEASE buy my car from you so I have legal ownership?" Every day. . .same response. . . "Yeah, of course! Just let me get around to it." Like...this goes on for like...since maybe 2013? 4ish years later...my mom starts holding it over my head. "The car isn't even legally yours so if you take it anywhere, I will just call the police and tell them you stole it." Well I couldn't anyways because she blocked me in with her car. The only way I could have driven it was directly off the mountain cliff and over the edge, which I was considering, but felt too scared that I might hurt an animal in the process since it's all forest and trees and such where I am and our neighbours down the road have free-roam dogs. So despite the fact I would have LOVED to have just gunned the accelerator off the edge of that cliff, I didn't.

Then they barricade me in my room and won't let me out. This isn't unusual. Normally they turn off the power to the basement and leave me down there. But this time they actually barricaded me in the ROOM and not just the basement. I had no water and no access to water. Or anything else. And then my mom would come pounding on my door and screaming and at one point she had my dad hold me down while she took every single one of my medications, including the most important one, my mood stabilizer, and ripped them out of my hands. So after that, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling my hair out and banging my head against the wall remembering "Only the head has pain receptors. The brain doesn't." Thinking maybe if I could just bash my skull in to the point of brains, then I wouldn't feel anything and could physically rip my brain out by pieces since I wouldn't be able to feel anything. But then my parents came downstairs obviously coz of the noise of me banging my head against the wall as hard as I could and I ran and pushed the couch in my room against the door and pushed the table against that and pushed the bed against that. Which ...minus a small triangular bureau thing by my bed, that's all the furniture in my room.

So...I couldn't get out or in for days. This was during a period of which my dad had just gotten out of the geriatric ward and my mom was dealing with his new weird habits and medication reactions. So obvs, I mean, I'M the one who barricaded myself in. Why should they deal with me? I get that.

I just...pulled the barricade out from my side and pushed on the other side for what felt like hours until it gave out. I grabbed my bag, put my laptop and notepad for school in it, chargers, phone, and left.

Now. . .if you've ever been up my mountain, you'll know it's a 10 minute DRIVE up there. Nah, fam, I walked all that. And then walked more...and more...and more...and there was no signal...anywhere...Idk how long I walked. But I was wearing odd clothing because nothing was clean obviously. I was wearing a sweater with nothing underneath and shorts and plaid shoes and I had lost my glasses so I didn't even have those. And I ended up somewhere on this road...Idk how far I went but I kept checking for service to text any friend to see if they would let me couch hop for one or two nights. But no. No signal. So I started walking back.

It was too hot. I laid down on the very edge of the pavement of this tiny, windy, backroad and I remember looking up at the trees and seeing the sun shine through the leaves and just...being in awe of the beauty. I went to take a picture of it with my phone but then I blacked out.

Somewhere during this time, a car almost hit me and left skid marks on the road which the police pointed out later. Idk if I was awake for that or not. But then I woke up to this really sweet mom and she had her van stopped beside me and she was holding me and shaking me and her little ...gradeschooler(??) age kid was like screaming at her like "IS HE ALIVE!?" or something. I'm not entirely sure what. Somewhere during that time, local 911 dispatch was called from my phone. Maybe I did it. Maybe she did. Idk. But local 911 dispatch works even when you don't have service, so. . .thank god for that? I guess. Maybe not. It probably would have been better if I had just been hit by a car and died, honestly.

Legit 3 ambulances and 1 cop car showed up. I was withdrawing really, really badly and I hadn't had any water in literal days and I obviously hadn't eaten in even longer than that. I was super dehydrated and malnourished and overexhausted, yet my stats were okay. Like, everything like my BP and temp and pulse checked out. My BP is chronically low and lowered even more by the BP med I take for migraines so it's obvious that it was a "little high, but normal". And my temp was not too high. And my pulse wasn't thready, which I had already checked myself to make sure I could just go to sleep on the road and wake up later after resting. The EMT's said I could go with them or not. And the cop said "You're 25. If you wanna walk away from me right now and keep walking down that road and go to sleep on the side of the road, I can't stop you. But by the skid marks on the road here (like I mentioned), I'm pretty sure you're going to get hit by a car. So..." I mean, well, if that's not my damn white privilege at its finest... But, anyways, I said "Yeah, y'know what, I'm just gonna keep walking." Then the cop pulls me aside and is like "No. I really don't think you should." And one of the EMTs knew my mom from when she worked at the same hospital he worked at and had been up to our house plenty of times. So he drove up to her house and brought her back because, yknow...no service. And I told the police and EMTs to just...lemme go from there. I didn't want police involved. Coz, as the officer said, "You're 25. You make your own decisions at this point in life." So I did.

I adamantly told my mother I wasn't going back with her and she was about to scream at me but then I threw up blood. Just...pure blood. And idk how I got to Asheville Memorial Trauma Center, but I did. They had a helipad. It was like being in a Grey's Anatomy episode coz they're a level 1 trauma center. Omg. So cool. They had all this fancy equipment like that green vein scan thingy where you run it over the AC or the hand and it just shows you where the veins are so you don't have to feel for them. It was fascinating.

I got stuck maybe 8 times, though. For blood draws and such. Coz my veins are small and they roll and I'm a very hard stick.

I don't remember much from the time I was there but we didn't leave until like...idk, idr, maybe 4am? We got home around 6am. Dad had locked us out of the house. The key was in view on the inside from the window and I was delirious and laughing while my mom was fuming angry and screaming for my dad to wake up and pounding on the door.

Something happened between this that I don't remember. Lots of black-out periods, obvs.

I slept. I withdrew. Hard. Lots of pain. This is day 5 of totally nothing and there's STILL lots of pain. Then the same thing happened. My mom barricaded my car in and took my meds from me and locked me in the basement. So I said...fuck it....and lied and said I had friends to stay with, even though I hadn't even contacted anyone at this point yet. Coz I figured that would make her let me leave if she knew a friend was involved. And she still wouldn't let me out unless I gave a full name, address, and telephone number. She kept saying this was all for "my safety". I couldn't handle it. I can't handle being in that house anyways. Anyone with depression will know that environment affects your moods VERY highly. So I was not only withdrawing from opiates, benzos, ambien, a BP med for migraines, but also cold turkey from my mood stabilizer. Like, I'm surprised I didn't die. I wish I would have. I have never been in so much pure physical and mental agony in my life.

I don't remember much of the next few days. And I don't remember how we came to an agreement, but my mom gave me my meds back and let me out and let me take my car. I was crying and screaming so hard because she told me if I didn't come home and stay home, she was going to take my dog to a kill shelter. And there was nothing I could do.

I went down somewhere in town on a backroad where no one would find me in the pure dark and called my old therapist. He recommended several good 7-day detox programs for me that also handle psych issues. Because rehabs won't take me due to my psych issues because they don't have the capability to handle psych medications.

I had somehow convinced my mom to let me sleep in my car that night. She had been screaming about how "Human beings DO NOT live in cars, Killian!" And such nonsense that typical cis white baby boomers babble about. I don't remember much of that night. But I ended up in a hotel somehow. Where I have been for the past few days. I went to volunteer, got that job, was about to go scrub shopping with my mom when the withdrawals just got too intense and I thought "My doctor is a former addict. Like. Everyone knows this. He SHOULD help me. Right?" Wrong.

We went to my doctor and he was literally screaming at me and pointing his pen in my face saying he wasn't going to be manipulated by a bipolar drug addict anymore. And I have NEVER been diagnosed bipolar. Ever. That has never come up even once except with him. I am most definitely NOT bipolar. And when I said that, he's like screaming at me that I'm definitely bipolar and that he's cutting me off of everything except my mood stabilizer and that I need to get in with a psychiatrist if I want my benzos back, which are what I need, and a neurologist if I want my BP meds back, and where the hell I'm going to find Ambien to sleep? Fuck.

AND THEN He starts yelling about how he's never had a case of costochondritis in his 30-something years of being a doctor and that I am lying about it. But my mom was in the room and she's like quietly shaking her head. Because I have been diagnosed three times now with costo. It's supposed to be short term. But mine is long term and that's where it gets confusing because costo has never really lasted this long in many people in the entire world so far. And he just screams at me that it's all psychological and that I have too many problems and that I'm never going to make it through school, so why am I even trying, and then says that I am probably going to be living in a state mental institution by the age of 30 or less.

I just walked out at this point. Thank god I had my car. I drove off. Drove. For a while. Got lost. Stopped at a rest stop and texted my platonic soul mate. I was ready to drive to New Orleans right then without anything at all. But I calmed down a bit after popping one of the few ativan or valium (Idr) I have left and came up with a better plan because even my therapist said "You're being dismissive of my help. I don't think you want my help. This is not going to end well." But no. I don't even care anymore. I'm going to get through this.

Got set up in a very cheap hotel near my volunteer shelter for 3 days to sort things out and come up with a plan. So I have been wracking my brain and doing SO much research and talking to so many friends about potential living arrangements. But nothing came up. I need to be in a city or heavily populated suburb because I cannot HANDLE being isolated and I cannot handle living by myself either.

So best friend and I eventually came up with a plan. Thank god her roommates are such wonderful people. I love them both so much.

The Tech school I can AFFORD to get into is in Asheville. And I want more hands on experience than the online world is giving me. I want to be able to dissect things and do actual venipuncture restraint positions on dogs bigger than me and I want to do all these things PHYSICALLY. I want HANDS-ON experience and I just...can't get a shadowing position in such a small town.

Problem being, if I leave NC for over a month, I lose my disability, SSI, EBT, and Medicaid. I could do without disability, SSI, and EBT...but I cannot afford my medications without Medicaid. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do while going to school because I only get about 650ish a month from my disability and about 50 from my SSI and 74 on my EBT which my parents use because I really don't eat coz of my anorexia and depression and anxiety combo. But my Medicaid pushes meds that are normally around 200-300 dollars out of pocket, even with discounts like GoodRx, pushes them all the way down to 3 dollars a piece. And my mood stabilizer is especially pricey. So Idk what I'm gonna do when I move in with someone in Asheville coz I will want to be focusing on school and shadowing/interning and volunteering and not have to worry about working, but then. . .I want to work, too. But only at a vet's office or somewhere that deals with medical things. I'm literally 1 class away from getting my vet transfer degree. But do you know why I started over from scratch? Because I can't handle the speech class which is the last and only class I need AND because this degree, albeit a fully accredited AA, is nothing more than a "Here. You have taken all the gen ed classes and a million extracurriculars and now you can use this degree to get into a vet tech school!" Which, I mean, is great, because I REALLY want to get into North Carolina Univeristy in Raleigh. . .that would be my ideal school for vet tech training in this state (not my ideal state, obvs...I hate the south and I want to live in Massachusetts, but it's too expensive). But. . .the in-state tuition is above 10k. I highly doubt any sort of financial aid would cover all of that, even with Pell Grants.

Yes, I realize that becoming a tech and then going for the full vet surgeon licensing is gonna put me in debt until long after I die and that I'm going to be paying back literal millions of dollars worth of loans for the rest of my life and beyond. But why go to a school like that for 10k when they have the same hands-on program at a fully accredited community college? I never even realized how much of a difference the community college price versus university price was. . .because I've had Florida Pre-Paid this whole time and haven't had to pay anything big yet and right now my loan paybacks are at about 1k-2k at the most. I just...would uh...to add a 10k on top of that... (for one semester)...and then another 10k (for one more semester)...then two more 10k's for the last two semesters....I don't know if I could do all that. And then I have to PAY to take three different tests and if I fail even one, all that training was for nothing. And of course, applications and records and SAT score retrieval all cost money, too. AND THIS IS JUST FOR TECH SCHOOL. NOT EVEN FULL VET LICENSING AND SURGICAL LICENSING. So despite NC State and Raleigh being my dream in this state. . .it's just not. . .I don't think it's a wise decision. So I'm aiming for Asheville.

Now. . .all my disability money and SSI will be going to rent and utilities and I'm totally willing to share my EBT with whatever roommate I end up with, but I will lose ALL of that if I start any kind of job. Even a min wage retail job. And I'm fine with that. I will work till it kills me to make rent and utilities and such. But it's the FUCKING MEDICAID. If I start working, I lose my Medicaid, too. ...and I can't afford my meds without it. So...I'm not sure what to do here. I don't have credit yet but if I were to GET a credit card and gain credit, it would immediately be awful because of all my medical debt and there's no coming back from that coz I just can't do it in this economy. Which is exactly why I have put off getting any sort of credit. For...my entire adult life.

But right now...my plan is...go to New Orleans with my three good friends. Stay there for 2 weeks-month tops, which they said is totally fine and I'm completely welcome. Not like we haven't done this before in opposite situations anyways. Lmao. We help each other as much as we can. Next step? Gain roommate in Asheville through several roommate matching sites I found. Move there. THEN work on getting into the college I want and transferring my online credits and all the credits from the two other colleges I'm in and transferring my SAT scores whilst attempting to find an internship or shadowing position. And after that? I'm really not sure. I don't have a plan from there. But my mom agreed to keep my double coat dog brushed, cleaned, updated on his shots, fed properly like I feed him (NO HUMAN FOOD DAMNIT), bathed, nails clipped, butt shaved, and get the anesthesia dentistry done he needs for the next 2 years while I get my life in order. It's going to literally kill me to be away from him like that. But she said if I am not "stable to her liking" in 2 years, she will put him in a kill shelter. So not only do I WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this. Because if that happened. . .that would be the absolute last straw at any chance I would have of recovery. That dog is my life. Hell, I have his name tattooed on my wrist. I spend every waking second with him and even these couple weeks of in and out of consciousness was hell without him. I was worried about him every goddamn second and I could hear him borking and howling upstairs while I was barricaded downstairs and it would just kill me. It was like I could physically feel my heart being stabbed.

Annnd....Idk how I'm going to find a roommate that will take in an asexual, polyamorous, panromantic, nerdy recluse like me with questionable future financial stability and no credit. But even if I have to live in my car to get through school, find a place, and get my dog with me, I'll do it. I'm HOPING I will find a roommate that likes me AND a vicious little (read: very large) neurotic pomeranian in tech school. Someone who ALSO has a dog or AT LEAST a cat so that my dog will not be lonely while I am gone all day. I don't want to have to take him in with me alone and then be gone literally all day and only see him for 2 seconds before falling asleep and getting the only interaction with him possible at feeding time and to briefly take him out to go potty. I don't want that for him. He needs more. He deserves more. At least, leaving him with my mom and dad, he will be safe and taken care of and will have his "sister" and the cats to play with and he can bork to his hearts content. And my dad is retired and my mom only works 4 days a week, so he will be walked every day and taken out appropriately and I made them sign a document stating they would do this for 2 years.

So...tomorrow...I am scouring Asheville, every surrounding town within a 15 mile radius, and one within a 20 mile radius, to see what everything looks like in person and make sure the areas are diversified and active and are NOT a small town or even close to a regular sized town, but much bigger and much more diversified than a goddamn southern town with a bunch of white deer hunting orange overlord voters and then I'm gonna make it back in time for the Discovery premiere (Trekkie thing) coz it will be legendary. Like...Kirk's premiere, kinda legendary. And then I'm gonna pack after that, cuddle with my dog all night, and...leave for New Orleans whenever I wake up if I manage to sleep. Or leave when I finally decide "Fuck it, I can't stay in bed any longer." And I'll say goodbye to my dog.....and...cry..a lot...and hug him and kiss him and take tons of pictures and oh god now I'm crying.

That's all just the basics, though. There has been a lot of other less major stuff going on that's getting to me but. . .I will be so goddamn happy to see my three friends that are taking me in that I think I'm gonna cry good tears when I get there.

It’s really hard to think straight when you’re withdrawing AND the most impulsive person in the world.

Just gotta say...I thought dealing with generalized anxiety without meds was hard. Nah...dealing with panic disorder without meds is impossible. I can't fucking do anything without having a mostly physical style panic attack every 2 goddamn seconds. Feels worse than withdrawals, honestly. I have a couple benzos left...but literally only like 2 ativan and maybe 5 valium? So...trying to save those for like...really hard moments like the first day of an internship or something. So I have a plan about that, too, and Idk if it’s going to work, but I am DONE writing right now.

THANK YOU GOODNIGHT.

[myherowritings]

PART 1. A VERY WELL-DESERVED TIP

SUMMARY. Todoroki Shouto was a wealthy, young CEO who inherited his father’s enterprise. You were a barista at a local cafe who wouldn’t mind some extra cash. One day, Shouto came in during an early morning shift and tipped you such a large sum of money, you were certain it had to have been an accident. To your surprise and complete pleasure: It was not.

PAIRING. ceo!todoroki shouto x barista!reader

WORD COUNT. 2.0k

GENRE. ceo/barista au, fluff, eventual smut

WARNINGS. none in this chapter

A/N. my brief work as a barista is finally paying off. i suffered at sbux all to write this fic ✌︎('ω'✌︎ ) LMAOOO i frl had so much fun writing this and i’m very excited to share the next parts ;) i hope you enjoy this fic as much as i do!! xx sof

SERIES MASTERLIST

© myherowritings — all rights reserved. reposting, modifying, copying, or translating of any kind is not allowed. do not read my writing as asmr. do not plagiarize.

You were not looking forward to your new work schedule for the next month. 

The employee who usually came in for opening shifts at four in the morning gave her two weeks notice...two weeks ago. And since you had your availability open (you knew you should’ve blocked it off and said you had morning class), your manager asked you to fill her place. 

The night before your first—of many—morning shifts, you tried tricking yourself into thinking it was a good idea. And it almost worked! Sort of. 

You told yourself waking up early when the sun rose worked with your body’s natural circadian rhythm and this experience may adjust your sleep schedule for a healthier one in the long run. Better health and wellbeing and lower risks of cardiovascular disease. Or something. You weren’t too sure exactly; you never paid much attention in biology but it sounded like something you’d find in a textbook, right?

When you arrived on your first day, the morning shift was just as hectic and chaotic as you expected. People in business suits with name brand bluetooth earphones in their ears and the latest new smartphone in their hand filled the shop and waited for their online order. It was as if they wanted the least amount of social interaction possible, which would be fine if being able to make connections with customers wasn’t the most interesting part about being a barista. 

Although the cafe you worked at was a small business who actually (tried) to pay their employees fairly and wasn’t a purely money hungry franchise like the certain green siren, it surprisingly had gained enough traction in the area to rival one of those cheap, chain stores. 

Good for the business, bad for sleepy workers who could barely function in the mornings.

But you enjoyed working here and the owners were kind, so you did your best to shove away the tiredness and put a bright and cheery smile on your face. The customers were grumpier than you were used to, but who wouldn’t be a little ill-mannered having to go to work at 5 a.m. and probably not leaving until 6 p.m. or later because of bosses who overworked them? Trying to get them their morning coffee with an amiable attitude to start off their day right was something you were more than happy to do. 

It was too bad barely any of them gave you the time of day. They just wanted to get their caffeine and leave with as little human interaction as possible. It was understandable, of course, but it wasn’t the lively cafe environment you were used to during later shifts. You sighed, hoping the atmosphere would be friendlier when it wasn’t a major rush hour. 

“Hi! I can help the next person in line,” you called for the twentieth time this hour. When they moved forward towards the cash register, you gave them a smile. “Good morning. I hope your day has been going well!”

“It’s been okay, thank you. And yours?”

Your eyes widened in surprise and you almost sputtered over thin air. Someone who actually replied back to what you said and asked about you in return? Even if the intent was a courtesy conversation that was meant to be quick and brief, the sentiment was there—the upholding of the values of common courtesy and human decency. Something too many people seemed to lack. 

“I’m good as well! A little tired but what’s to be expected a quarter ‘til 6 a.m.?” you said with a laugh. “Thank you for asking.”

The customer gave a small smile in return and you internally celebrated for finally seeing your first pleasant expression this morning. “Must be even more tiring dealing with all these people. Doesn’t seem easy. I have to commend you for it.”

He was a tall, handsome man with a pretty face, soft-looking hair, and genuinely nice? There was no way this was real; you had to be dreaming. 

You twiddled with the pen in your hands, taken aback and mildly embarrassed by the praise. “Just doing my job,” you said with a bashful look. “Thank you, though.” You cleared your throat, not wanting to hold the line up for too long, even if the customer was one you would rather keep talking to than the others. “Now, what can I get started for you today?”

“Right. Can I get a flat white in the medium size?” 

“Of course.” You typed in his order into the register before asking, “And is there anything else I can get for you? Like a pastry? Today we have some freshly baked cheese danishes that are really yummy if you’d like to try!” 

He thought for a while before shrugging. You weren’t sure if it was your eyes playing tricks on you or he actually had an amused look on his face. “Sure, I’ll take a couple dozen of those as well.” 

“A couple dozen—?” your voice faltered. The suggestion of a fresh pastry was one you made to almost every customer, though most turned it down on the spot. 

The cafe had a little weekly competition between workers to see who could sell the most pastries in the week and the one who sold most got...well, a free pastry and bragging rights. Admittedly, it wasn’t much, but nothing revved up sales like friendly rivalries. An order of a couple dozen was sure to land you in the top spot this week! Still, you had to make sure he meant it. You’d feel bad if he was just spending all his hard-earned office work money because he was trying to be courteous. (Or at least, you assumed he was some office employee.) 

You cautiously asked, “Are you sure?”

Either your eyes were playing tricks on you yet again, or the look of amusement on his face grew even more than before as he said, “I’m sure. One medium flat white and, say, three dozen boxes of cheese danishes, please.” 

“C-Coming right up!” you said, quickly entering his order and celebrating your free end-of-the-week pastry in advance. “That will be $42.81. Would that be card or cash?” 

“Card.” He pulled out a sleek, black card with gold detailings on it and you never knew you could be sexually attracted to a credit card until now. 

“Perfect! Go ahead and swipe, insert, or scan your card now. In the meantime, can I get a name for your order please?” 

He scanned his card over the machine before looking back up at you. “It’s To— Ah, Shouto.” 

“Shouto?” you asked in confirmation. You assumed it wasn’t ‘Toahshouto’. That sounded too much like the abbreviation used to remember how to find sine, cosine, and tangent.

“Yeah. Shouto.” 

You smiled. “Well, Shouto, your order will be ready in a few minutes. Please wait over to your right to pick it up!”

He nodded. 

“It was nice meeting you!” you called, waving goodbye. “I hope you have a good rest of your day.”

“Thank you,” he glanced at your nametag, “Y/N.” 

Oh, how nice it felt to be treated like a human by a customer and have them actually address your name— And not to say it in a condescending way either. 

“Do individual baristas get to keep the tips here?”

You blinked, feeling your face warm up slightly. “We do, actually.” One of your favorite parts of the job, you had to admit. 

“Glad to hear.” Shouto pulled out some crisp-looking bills from his wallet and placed one in your hand that said ‘100’ to you. “Thank you for your kind service, Y/N.” 

“Wha—” Your eyes widened. You were expecting something along the line of three dollars. Maybe five at most. But a hundred? By the time you had processed what had happened he was walking away from the cash register. “Wait— Shouto...sir! I think you accidentally gave me the wrong amount.” 

He shook his head, only briefly turning back to face you. “Nope. It’s for you,” he said simply. “I’m looking forward to the cheese danishes.” 

His words left you stunned, but the next customer in line tapped their foot impatiently, signaling it was now time for you to take their order. You hoped the line died down before Shouto left the cafe so you could return the tip, but seeing as how the queue almost extended out the door, you had the sinking feeling that wouldn’t be a possibility. 

“Hello, I can take the next customer in line!” you recited cheerfully, mind still occupied by thoughts of your last encounter. 

The next few orders went along uneventfully (though you did manage to sell two more cheese danishes) and by the time Shouto got his coffee and pastry boxes, you still had a handful more customers to get through. 

“Pardon me real quick,” you said apologetically to the woman in front of you. “Please give me one moment?” 

She graced you with a nod and you thanked the stars above for an understanding patron. 

“Wait— Excuse me, sir!” You waved in Shouto’s direction before he could exit the cafe. He glanced at you curiously but walked over. In a hushed voice, you said, “I really appreciate the tip, but there’s no way I could accept this much money from you!” 

For the first time today, you say the hints of a frown on his face. “You cannot?” 

“No! $100 is a lot! You already bought $40 worth of cheese danish pastries— Are you sure you meant to give that big of a tip?”

“Of course.” He took a sip of his coffee with a satisfied hum. “You getting up at such an early hour to take people’s orders with a kind attitude isn’t easy. Plus, trying to build rapport with each of them all while keeping the interacting swift is a difficult task itself. And it’s probably worth more than your current pay, the $100 tip, and then some.” 

You blinked, stunned by his words. This man kept surprising you so many times in just one morning. 

“I find it ridiculous how certain occupations are paid an ungodly amount more than others, especially when a lot of it comes from privileges you were born into.” Shouto seemed to mumble the last bit to himself, but you were still able to understand what he said. “It’s bullshit.” Before you could respond, he recollected himself. “Eat the rich, right? All that to say, please accept the tip. You deserve it. And I promise it’s of no detriment to me, so please don’t feel bad.”

Seeing the determined look on his face, you couldn’t help but stare at him before nodding. He didn’t say anything you didn’t already believe yourself, and if someone really wanted to give you $100, you weren’t going to fight them on it. Think of all the dumplings you could buy, you told yourself.

“T-Thank you then.” You gingerly placed the folded bill back into your pants pocket. “I think that was really insightful of you and I’m very grateful.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He smiled before glancing towards the exit. “I’m running a bit late for work now, so I should be going. Have a good day, Y/N.”

“You too, Shouto. And… Thank you again!”

With a glowing expression on your face, you walked back to the cash register ready to face the day and talk to more lovely customers!

“Hey, little barista!” a gruff voice called from the line, snapping you out of your stupor. “Hurry it up already before you force me to complain to your manager.” 

You internally sighed. You understood they were in a rush, but they still had no right to be that rude. 

“Can you even hear me? Or are you too incompetent?”

Cue another internal sigh. 

Yeah, okay. Maybe you did deserve this $100 tip.

Regardless of the rude customers that may have come in, at least you had your thoughts of a cute, kind businessman who went by the name of Shouto to get you through your shift. And you could only hope you’d be able to see him again.

a/n: the end of part one folks!! oh what i’d give to have gotten a tip like this when i worked as a barista BAHAHA only in my dreams. i hope you enjoyed this little intro part and are excited for what’s to come !! :3

what to expect in the next part:

~maybe~ y/n will see shouto again and,,perhaps,,get more tips from him idk who knows 

old lady imparts some...helpful(?) advice 

we briefly get to see shouto’s pov! ;D

[doyoungflower]

TEN

5 ᴛɪᴍᴇꜱ ɪ ʀᴇᴀʟɪᴢᴇᴅ ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ

1. When you met my mom and you said we had the same smile.

I can't really explain how much this little thing meant for me. It was the first you were going to meet my mom. We were on a kind of tour at the beginning of the year to meet our families and we had just left your home country to meet your parents. But when the time came for us to meet my family you were so nervous your hands were shaking. I tried to hold them to reassure you but it felt as holding a waterfall, they just were so sweaty. I teased you and you weren’t having it, you were really taking this seriously. So I looked into your eyes and honestly said “They’re going to love you, don’t worry”. And you asked: “How do you know?”. And I said: “Because I love you”. You burst out laughing. Of all the things I said to you in 2 years of dating that was the cheesiest thing ever. But it got you to loosen up so it was worth it.

Then the time for the first meeting came and it went even better than I had imagined. You laughed, talked, and hugged my mom as if she were your real mom. And when we were alone in the hotel room, you turned to me to say: “You know, your smile is the same as your mom. It makes me happy, makes me feel safe”. And damn, I realized I loved you because that was one of the sweetest things you said to me and as long as we were together my biggest wish is for you to feel safe with my family just the same you felt with me.

2. When you learned the dance for my next comeback so we could practice together.

Normally you wouldn’t know stuff like this. You liked the experience of getting to know everything at the same time as everyone else, no spoilers, no advantages just because we were dating. But this time was different, it was a back-to-back comeback I wasn’t fully confident in. I loved the dance and the song itself but I still felt that with the time we had to prepare I could not give my 100%. So one day, without a warning you started showing up to every dance practice. You stayed at the back of the room, eyes fixated on me and the boys and especially the teacher. When we would go home together you would spend hours in the bathroom, hiding what you were doing. But a few days later you showed up to practice again. This time with a more comfortable outfit. When the group practice was over and I stayed behind to practice more that was when you came up to me and said: “Shall we try it together?”. And then I realized I loved you because even though you weren’t the best dancer, even though you had almost no knowledge of it you still learned it just so I could feel more confident.

3. When I drew a picture for you and you hung it on the wall.

Besides dance, drawing was the second thing you loved the most to see me do. You liked how focused I became and how easy it was to turn a blank page into something so cool and pretty. You had told me so many times. Yet I didn’t think your love for it was so big as when I entered your house on one Saturday night. The first thing I saw, so big behind the sofa was my drawing. It was framed on a dark wood frame and it took me a while to process it. That wasn’t even my best drawing, I had just played around with some shapes and colors when you asked me to draw something just for you. But here we were and I realized I loved you because you gave my passions a bigger meaning. You embraced my creativity and showed it off proudly as if they were your own. And that made me like them myself even more.

4. When you pretended to be just a friend in front of fans.

First, it hurt. We were walking around on the streets of Seoul and we had just had dinner in a restaurant you loved. Your arms were linked with mine, your head resting on my shoulder as you were starting to get sleepy but then two girls came running in our direction. “You’re Ten, right?”, one of them asked squealing. And I confirmed. They looked at me happily and then at you disgustingly. “Who is she?”, they asked. And as if they had just yelled queue you started to play a new role. “I am just his cousin, don’t worry”, she replied. And the girls visibly relaxed. I gave them autographs, heard them praise me and we went our separate ways. But as soon as they were out of earshot, I couldn’t stop apologizing. You, the person who makes me the happiest man in the world shouldn’t have to go through this type of situation only because fans didn’t know their boundaries. But you held my hand, looked me in the eyes, and told me that whatever you needed to do to protect me and my career you wouldn’t hesitate to do it. And although it hurt that you needed to do it I realized I loved you because the way you cared about me was beyond anything I could ever ask. You held my hand and we walked together through life, and no matter what was thrown at me I knew I would have you by my side.

5. Every time you give my cats love.

So simple right? But every time I see you with them kissing their little noses, petting their heads, and giving them treats. I can't help but love you. You understand my love and care for them, and just like me you also love and care for them just as much. You treat them as if they were yours and in reality they kind of were. Everything that was mine was yours and in the future when our life together turned into a contract, we would have babies that didn’t have fur but were ours nonetheless. .

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taglist: @aedreamzy | @ten94 | let me know if you’d like to be added :)