#would recommend to anyone that has 2-3 bucks for sure

[lazzincats]

Mentioned Fuma so I'm card posting

🌸 🌸 🌸

[deadchannelradio]

hello i've been loving all the stuff with tgirl jtodd. i've just been wondering what bruce's general thoughts and stuff are on it. i don't imagine that jason would ever "come out" to him so how would he find out? what is his reaction?

i think you're right in that jason is not Coming Out to bruce for sure for sure or anyone really! I think knowledge of it kind of spreads like fungus style through them all and is partially found by Using Their Eyebarls and Looking At Her. Firm believer in jay being butch as fuck (and not like fun fancy butch like... i don't think the way she dresses changes very significantly nor is she like, suddenly using moisturizer now or growing out her hair. shes always going to look like someone who would buy teenagers beer at a gas station for 20 bucks) but she is going to change the cut of her clothes a little and repitch the vocalizer so it's more Her Pitch and not "menacing growl lower than any human being is capable of". and also hormones are gonna give her D cups. the boobs are noticeable.

I think it kind of goes dick -> babs -> damian -> steph -> cass -> bruce -> tim

Dick knows first because jason goes to him to ask So Super Casually how dick knew he was trans (bc jason doesn't know the story) and dicks like Well i dont know i was Four. i've always been Advanced For My Age <3 and jasons like. ah. ok. and dick like looks at him and is like why do you ask. and jasons like. 'never mind just curious.' and dicks like 💡 and ends up giving the advice of like. don't worry about the Knowing. what do you Want? 'what do you mean' well it doesnt matter what you Are it matters what you Want and the I Want creates the I Am. so anyways do you want hormones. (jason looks at him bugeyed) just ask leslie she stabs me in the asscheek every six months with testosterone she'll give you whatever you want.

dick tells babs because dick talks to babs regularly and babs is the only one of them who isnt dick who talks to jay "regularly" (meaning jay will throw babs tips about cases she doesnt want) and dick also 'tells' damian (just starts using dif pronouns and damian gets it) because it's damian. and either jay texts steph to be like Do you have bra recommendations for us poor bastards with huge tits (whenever hers grow enough to be uncomfortable w/o a bra) or steph hears babs or damian drop a she/her regarding jay. steph tells cass bc cass does her best to never interact with the red hood/jay and as such won't know until either somebody tells her or she personally interacts with jay, which happens like once a year if she can help it. Bruce observes with his eyeballs and very awkwardly goes to dick about it like ...... so. and then doesnt continue and through like 90 seconds of what amounts to verbal charades dick figures out what bruce is asking about and takes pity on him and is like "she still goes by jay" and bruce is like OK thank you. and the next question is "does she need..... help" and dick is like she will shoot you a brand new double wide three bedroom two bathroom asshole if you try to give her money about being transgender of all things she's got her own money and will get whatever she wants with it and bruce is like right OK thank you. tim finds out last and probably from going over to Dick's house when jason is there and 1) seeing that she's got tits now 2) hearing both "jay" and "she" come out of dick's mouth.

I don't think bruce has any real big reaction to it but he probably feels guilty for not like.... catching it earlier. or pushing/asking when she was a kid. like this makes sense to everybody who Knows jay this isn't a shock, and i think bruce suspected when jay was a teenager but didn't. communicate about it with her. which i don't think was the Wrong choice. but bruce does feel guilty about it just because it just wouldn't be bruce without a guilt complex LOL. if he and jay ever communicated about it there would be a whole Oh My God You Knew. "i suspected." How Did You Know. "I Raised You." BRUCE!!!!

[beanarie]

some more stars in your inbox because i want to hear more about 1. head checked by a jumbo jet and 2. the first time you called me baby actually also let's have a 3. the fic with the yellow paint on tommy's boot you know the one i'm talking about. YAY!

thank you for the additional stars you're the best 😘

jumbo jet

“Forget about your man for a minute," Eddie yells. Tommy gives a start and swears at the phone. "This is my time. Buck, grab the shake then take a shower. You look like hell.”

http://archiveofourown.org/works/61215358

so i really love eddie and buck's friendship. they have very specific and complementary roles they fill in each other's lives. buck is eddie's mom friend, who listens and advises and makes peace when he can. eddie is buck's safe space and kick in the ass. he's done that numerous times, laying out harsh truths or making light of the worst case scenario buck was fixating on, which helps shut down buck's anxiety spiral. eddie might look a little like an uncaring dick when he does this, but it's because he's also been that safe space for buck, keeping his home and life open for buck to invade whenever, accepting his quirks and, in his own way, loving him anyway, that buck accepts these moments for how they're intended. i think a lot of us have someone we trust to be clear-eyed and rational and unflinching in their honesty when it matters.

the boots fic

Then Buck spies the splash of yellow on the bottom of the right boot, and the sirens increase in volume even though he's pretty sure they were shut off.

also

Buck closes his eyes and sees Tommy's boots knock into each other as his gurney was taken out of the ambulance.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/62037388

american fiction has a scene where a character watches a loved one die and all you can see is their bare feet pushing back on a bed. after a second you pick up the rhythm of the pushing and realize it's from chest compressions, so when the movement stops completely it's clear what happened. focusing on one body part and the movement it makes as a result of some other force acting on it really stuck with me.

"why didn't you pick another body part like hands, beans?" well, one time i had to go to the ER for an injury and whenever they moved me around in the gurney my feet felt enormous and in the way. they were just very much in the forefront and it's also the first thing that comes out of an ambulance. i imagine tommy has massive stompers.

also. not long before tommy lost consciousness (and his pulse) he took his mask off. the oxygen tank was kicked anyway and the feeling of the straps was just driving him crazy. of course his team could hear the difference in his voice during his last message, and they started pushing harder to get to him.

and some more about the angst week fic

After finding out about the ambulette debacle, Eddie said Tommy could join dispatch. Lucy's reaction when Tommy shared that, however, was interestingly conflicted, hinting at a story that wasn't hers to tell.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/63891040

lucy thinks it's incredibly sus that eddie would recommend tommy take a job that led to eddie having a mental breakdown. but she isn't thinking about how eddie wasn't a dispatcher. he was just a social media/PR rep, and he and tommy are different people. eddie knows better than anyone besides maddie what their actual job entails. tommy might be suited for it. or having to deal with emergencies remotely might be too painful and frustrating, idk. lone star did it with judd's kid and he seemed to do fine. he was like twenty and had never really worked before. like eddie, there's a bunch of variables there.

[foodandfolklore]

Tools and Ingredients to keep on hand; Kitchen Witchcraft Elevated Pt. 3

A few more items I'd like to recommend to my kitchen witches. This is going to start getting a little more specific to my own style of cooking and practicing. So if there's anything on this list that makes you go "That's dumb, why would I need that?" then it probably is not for you. Don't go out and get it! But if you think "Huh, that's a good idea" maybe try it out. You can also check out Part 1 and Part 2.

Terracotta Disk Okay let's be real; anyone who's opened brown sugar before knows the struggle of hard sugar. Brown sugar dries out and becomes rock hard. Now, there are lots of solutions that have been presented, but each of them have a new issue. Adding a piece of bread for example. Well now I gotta worry about crumbs, mold and gluten contamination (I'm very mindful of allergies, despite not having any myself). I've also heard of adding a marshmallow to your sugar. I've tried this, but I'm not sure if it's the environment I live in, but it just doesn't work well for me. Plus both feels kind of wasteful. Then I saw a Terracotta disk at the dollarama for about 2 bucks. You soak it in water then drop it in your jar. Boom. Soft brown sugar in a few hours.

Rice Vinegar I know I already suggested vinegar in general, but rice vinegar tends to be more mellow than white vinegar or balsamic vinegar. I like to make a lot of quick pickle stuff like pickled Daikon, Pickled Carrot, or pickled onion. It's also a common ingredient for many Asian sauces and dishes. So if looking up a recipe, it'll often call for Rice Vinegar in some form or fashion. It's also nice to add to plain white rice.

Tortillas Anytime I can find these for cheap in the store, I stock up and throw them in the freezer. Yeah, I can make my own for cheaper, but I've never been 100% happy with how they turn out. They can be too thick, or get a hole, or are not the right size; I dunno. Sometimes I'll make them when in the mood, but mostly I prefer to have them premade. Tortillas, whether made from wheat or corn, have strong solar energies. They also have good protection properties. When you wrap your food in a tortilla, imagine it to be like a protective blanket. It's great for tacos, burritos, fajitas, or just lunch/breakfast wraps in general. But you can also use them non conventionally. When a pizza craving hits, I'll throw some sauce and toppings on a tortilla and bake. Or I may cut the tortilla up into triangles and bake if I need something to go with a hot dip. Monosodium Glutamate Better known as MSG. There has been a lot of misinformation and hate regarding MSG. Starting when Chinese food became popular in North America, but people worried about the quality and cleanliness of food cooked by a foreigner. After all, other countries had different rules about what was considered acceptable when it came to food. So when people were experiencing headaches or stomach aches after eating Chinese take out, they were appalled to find out it was cooked with MSG. MSG was reported to be the cause of these health problems and demonized it. Except.....it was all dog whistling.

I want to be clear: There is NO causation link to MSG having a side effect of pain or stomach problems. What's more likely to have happened is people had an adverse reaction to deep fried food, combined with mass hysteria. MSG is like Salt, Sugar, or Citric Acid. It occurs naturally, and we humans found ways create the product in it's purest form. MSG can be found in all kinds of food like tomatoes, mushrooms, soy, cheese, fish, grapes, and a ton more. Now that doesn't mean you can just eat as much MSG as you want. Like Salt and Sugar, too much over a long period of time can have negative health impacts. But a pinch or two in a dish while cooking is great to help enhance the Umami or savory flavor. MSG also has way less sodium than regular salt. While I don't think it'll replace salt, it can be good to try adding first for flavor if you're trying to reduce your sodium intake.

Cane Sugar There's a lot of different kinds of sugar. Granulated sugar, brown sugar, yellow sugar, icing sugar; most people keep some kind of sugar on hand for baking or sweetening drinks. But I like to keep Cane Sugar on hand as it has a more complex flavor profile. Magically, I find while Cane Sugar sweetens demeanors just like any other sugar, Cane Sugar is able to have people be more...understanding. Instead of finding a new reason to like you or tolerate you, Cane Sugar makes it more likely people sees things your perspective. It makes people more attune to their empathy when engaging with you. If that makes any sense. Oh, and it's my go to for fermented drinks. I actually ran out experimenting with things like ginger beer. Whoops. Scrub Mommy Listen, I hate cleaning. Especially dishes. I chuck as much as I can into the dishwasher, but some things need to be done by hand. So I'm always looking for way to clean them as quickly and easily as possible. But I also don't want to use harsh chemicals or keep buying steel wool that I'll throw away. I saw the Scrub Mommy be used in a lot of videos, so I gave it a try, and holy crap. I bought one for 6 dollars a year ago. I still have it. It doesn't shrink, it doesn't mold; I can toss it in the dishwasher if it needs a clean. And it gets the food off SO easily. I still need to give stuff a soak every once in a while. But most stuff comes right off. Even jars when I'm getting labels off and I got that sticky residue, scrub mommy it with some dish soap. It's gone in like 30 seconds. I still hate doing dishes. But at lest now I can do them without putting every fiber of my being into them.

[pookiepiss69]

do u have any tips for piercing things

YES YES I DO!!!!11!

okay so I would recommend lip piercings for anyones first facial piercing, they are really easy to maintain and heal. the only bad thing about them is that they swell really badly. they dont hurt at all to pierce and its overall a pretty quick process it just feels like a lot of pressure.

make sure to drink water before you pierce anything because sometimes it can make you feel quite faint. not really me anymore but when I was doing my bridge and saw the blood I fainted SO better safe than sorry.

everything's very anatomy based especially tongues. my tongue was easy to pierce because I dont have a centre vein in my tongue I have 2 on either side so it was easy. but if you do have a centre vein I say js dont do it or if you really want to do it on a angle so u dont hit the vein. also where your tongue web connects is very important, the ideal spot is right where the web of your tongue starts. your doing it wrong if u hit the web.

the tongue is 2 muscles so you want to get the needle imbetween those 2 muscles so your not damaging important tissue. dont do frog eyes or snake eyes because they are so dangerous and get infected so fast.

surface piercings (eyebrows, anti eyebrows, bridges, jestrum, vertical labret, surface hip piercings, collarbones,) always reject for some people its 2 weeks for some people its 20 years it depends on the person, dermals also reject. if you want a surface piercing to stay in for longer while its healing go to sleep with a bandaid on it so it has no wriggle room.

pain scales vary for different people, for me I can't pierce my ears but I can do my face really easily it depends on the person. piercing cartilage however will always hurt because its cartilage. same if your piercing a low fat area like the hips, or your collarbone it will obviously hurt worse because its closer to ur nerve endings.

stretching piercings is completely different, ear lobe stretching is painless if you do it right. I didn't do it right until I was at 4mm and I blew out my ear twice so make sure you're doing it safely. for the earlier sizes like 14g to 8g you could probably stretch once every 2 weeks but past 6g start going a month at MINIMUM. make sure to have a shower before hand and use oil for your ears or else it will hurt so bad.

I personally used tapers but that's like the most unsafe way to do it so id say use glass plugs. but if you are gonna use tapers dont use the actual taper. use the end bit and js dead stretch it bc its easier and hurts less.

stretching septums is completely different, I personally haven't got a septum and I dont want one BUT one of my friends Kelly has been stretching hers for 2 years and is only at 8g. septums have to be stretched way slower because of the cartilage right above it. stretching nostrils has to be done professionally because nostril piercings are cartilage.

dont use piercing guns js pay the 2 bucks n get a like 10 piercing needles its safer and has less of an infection rate. clean fresh facial piercings right when you wake up and right before you go to bed, if you have had them for awhile once a day. if your lobes are stretched clean that shit like 4 times, they smell like a dead corpse if you leave them for to long ESPECIALLY if you have changed the gauges to silicone. clean normal ear piercings once a day.

if you have any doubts abt piercing something dont pierce it- better safe than your face getting paralysed for like 48 hours.

use the right jewlerry for the right things, horseshoes are never to be used on any fresh piercing other than septums, lips have to be done with labret bars and stay in for at least 4 weeks before being changed. use bellybutton bars for bellybuttons js have common sense ig

js because its stopped hurting doesn't mean its healed. dont play with bridges, industrials, or any 14g piercing for at least a day.

limit of 3 piercings in one sitting

if it starts feeling like its infected TAKE IT OUT dont risk a massive ass scar, if you take it out in a week you can repierce it.

tongue piercings are hell to heal but once its healed you can't feel it

mark your piercing out before hand dont freeball it because it'll come out crooked and ugly

get rid of piercing crust as much as possible, if that means picking at it do it.

dont get scared of all those ppl on tt that are like 'if you pierce you lip wrong you'll bleed to death' just look up where vital veins are, none of which are anywhere on your face. tongues risky but not that risky it hurts so bad though

if your piercing another person check like every 2 mins if they are okay or if they need a break, that's the same with tattooing. if someone's looking pale or zoning out stop piercing that's js common sense I fear.

[adampage]

Hi. I see you as a sort of Hangman expert, so might you have any recommendations of your favorite matches of his or just his best?

Hi! sorry this took a while to answer, yesterday was a super busy day for me so i havent really had the time to reply until now. Thank you for seeing me as a hangman expert; it's totally not the case as I really haven't seen too many matches from before he started in AEW, but I will give you some that I enjoyed for different reasons. Adam Page vs Zane Dawson - CWF Mid Atlantic Wrestling - Jan. 25, 2014: I like this match because the color commentator is literally all of us. He is a very loud country man objectifying and complimenting Adam with his whole chest. There is a point in the match where Adam does a beautiful indian deathlock and the commentator is just. Chef's kiss. I also just love to see baby Adam in all his glory.

Hangman Adam Page vs Kota Ibushi - Supercard of Honor - Apr. 7, 2018: this match really shows off how agile and fast he is and can be. the man stood toe to toe with kota fuckin ibushi. he's a badass.

Hangman Adam Page vs Kazuchika Okada - G1 Climax 28, Day 5 - Jul. 20, 2018: love this one because the story going into it is that Okada, who had lost his IWGP heavyweight championship, was kinda....gone off the deep end. rather than being the badass rainmaker, he dyed his hair red and was all spiky, didn't come out in his badass robe, was always smiling, and had balloons with him all the time. during the g1, i had my url as balloonmakerokada because i thought it was funny. im digressing - so hangman didn't want to wrestle this okada. he wanted to wrestle the badass, the man who held the title for so long people didn't know a world where he wasn't the champion. he wanted the REAL okada. so he spent the entirety of this match trying to bring him out. it's great. he curses, does the okada pose. love that for me. hot.

Hangman Adam Page vs Hiroshi Tanahashi - G1 Climax, Day 7 - Jul. 22. 2018: love this one too for story purposes. the ace promises everyone that he will take the poison out of hangman. he knows he has so much potential and the bullet club is just making him worse. he wants to save him. and they're also both comedy kings. i lvoe them together.

Hangman Adam Page vs PAC - Wrestlegate Pro - May 18, 2019: it seems he's had TWO great matches on may 18 because the takeshita match three years after this one on the same date is also fucking good.

Matches from AEW i've liked him in that i can remember:

Hangman vs Takeshita, May 18 2022

Adam Cole vs Hangman (Texas Deathmatch), Apr 15 2022

Adam Cole vs Hangman, AEW Revolution 2022

Hangman vs Bryan Danielson 1, 2, and 3 - Winter is Coming, New Year's Bash, and the post-All Out dynamite 09/07

Hangman and Kenny vs the Young Bucks, AEW Revolution 2020

Hangman vs Kenny, AEW Full Gear 2021

I'm sure there are more but my memory is really bad. i hope these are good ones for you to start with!

if anyone else would like to rec some, you are more than welcome to!!

also, nonnie, i'm certain my friends @cowboyshit and @adam-page also have some good insight into other matches of his that you might enjoy, as im certain they've actually uh. Watched ROH and possibly NJPW more than i have.

[sevensoulmates]

4x06- Buck, reading “The Five Love Languages”, and Buddie

When I noticed that Buck was reading “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman in 4x06 I honestly can’t explain why I got so excited about it. Maybe it was the shipper in me or maybe it was just the fact that I own the book, but I was floored to see Buck reading that book. For several reasons.

We know the five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch

1.) It fascinates me to think about WHY Buck chose this book to read. We know he’s been going to therapy but that has been solely about himself and his PARENTS. The thing about love languages, even though it is marketed towards romantic couples, love languages apply to literally every type of relationship. Familial, friendships and romantic. Anyone who you have a personal caring bond with (so not necessarily coworkers, acquaintances, etc) So, reasonably, this book could’ve been recommended to Buck by his therapist as a way of trying to improve his relationship with his parents (who we know have long been failing to show Buck any of the love the deserves.)

The thing about love languages is it’s not a one-way street. It’s not my love language is this and my partners is this, so we gotta do that for each other. No, there’s both how you give love and how you receive love, which can be two different things. For example, (in my opinion) the way Buck likes to receive love is by Words of Affirmation. The way he often gives love to others is by Acts of Service. Two different love languages wrapped up in one person. And that’s only the one party. You still gotta navigate the other person’s love languages for both giving and receiving. 

The thing about love languages is to figure them out (naturally without a quiz) you must spend a lot of time with that person, observing and paying close attention, and you must know them very well in order to gauge how they prefer to give/receive love. You can’t just diagnose people with Love Language like assigning a Hogwarts house. 

Why would Buck ask Eddie what Ana’s love language is? They’ve had a total of 5 separate on-screen interactions at this point, conversation lengths ranging from 2 seconds to 30 min max (at the P/T conference). Eddie has not spent enough time with Ana to even call her anything but an acquaintance at that point in the episode. There’s no way he could even guess what her love language would be. And Buck would know this since he looked a decent amount of the way into the book.

Which brings me to my next question? Why was Buck’s first thought when questioned about what he was reading Ana?

2.) I think that although Buck might’ve been put onto this book by his therapist, and Hen might’ve assumed that he was reading it for his own romantic interest (her “women” comment when asking what they were all reading about, which again: FALSE! The love language book is not “dating” advice and Hen’s generalization there is completely off), I think he was mostly thinking about it in terms of his parents, and his closer relationships ie: Eddie. As we’ve seen for the past three years, the person who is closest enough to Buck to be considered a “partner” is Eddie. We’ve seen them grow emotionally (separately and together) A LOT in season 3 and especially in season 4. They are each other’s main emotional support system. This has been proven time and time again. So when Buck is reading this love language book you cannot tell me that his thoughts ended up so far away from his parents and instead focused on Eddie. Him picking up that “hey...Eddie rarely voices his emotions like this, but for me, he often does. Does he know that my love language is Words of Affirmation? Has he been unconsciously trying to show me he loves me in the way he has learned I need?” and vice versa. 

If Buck was thinking about how he and Eddie show each other they love each other, then it would make sense then that his thought process would lead him to Ana Flores, the most recent woman Eddie has expressed romantic interest in. He probably ended up thinking “if this is how Eddie expresses that he loves me, in my receiving love language, then how would that differ from how he shows love to Ana.” Hence, asking Eddie what he thought her love language is. 

I’m not sure what else could’ve been going through his head (jealousy?) but either way: Buck most definitely was thinking about Eddie while reading the love language book, and he was thinking about Eddie and Ana’s potential relationship (and whether they would love each other the same way Buck and Eddie love each other). It’s all very fascinating, me thinks. 

Lemme know your thoughts!

[deathbidean]

my destiel fic recs pt.3

no one asked for this but I am determined to force my favourite fics on y’all

And This, Your Living Kiss - opal_bullets : Only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet Jack Allen is just Kansas mechanic Dean Winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. Not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen.Until, that is, a string of coincidences leads Dean to auditing a poetry course with one Dr. Castiel Novak. The professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia's foremost expert on the poetry of Jack Allen. holy shit. this. THIS. it’s amazing. it’s so beautiful. your heart will break for poor Dean. this is definetly a favourite of mine!!

Andrew Lloyd Webber Gets a Pass - delicious-irony, opal_bullets : In which Castiel's manner is vague and aloof, Dean Winchester doesn't care for a cuddle, and there's no doing anything about it.Or, Dean and Castiel attempt to survive rehearsals for a new production of Cats, and each other. I’M TELLING YOU NOW. IF YOU FAINT FOR ENEMIES TO LOVERS,,, THIS WILL KILL YOU. y’all,, honestly this fic ended me it’s so goddamn good

15x14 coda : it’s a date - contemplativepancakes : ��So… How was your date?” “Really, Dean? That’s what you're concerned about? After we all almost died?” Dean waggles his eyebrows. “Well, yeah. Just looking out for my little brother.” The bunker door clangs open, and Sam shoves Dean towards it. “Maybe worry about yourself.”Sam and Eileen had a date, so it's only fair that Dean and Cas do, too, right? so so sweet. just pure tooth-rotting fluff that will make your heart ache

Starstruck - peanutbutterjelly-pie (Aleakim) : From the outside Castiel Novak looks like a regular guy: a good job, two teenage kids, a nice house and a crappy car he’s way too attached to.But there’s one thing no one knows about him: that, over twenty years ago, he used to live next to none other than Dean Winchester – back then a brash and loud-mouthed boy and nowadays a huge movie star and Hollywood’s sweetheart.Castiel never bothered to tell anyone about his childhood friend because frankly, who would believe him? Probably even Dean himself already forgot about his former awkward and weird neighbor, so Castiel seriously doesn’t see any point in mentioning the whole thing ever.But then an interview on national TV happens where Dean reveals way more about his past than ever before … and Castiel - as well as the rest of the world - suddenly realizes that he left a much bigger impact on Dean’s life than he originally thought. y’all,,,,, this is still being updated and when I tell you i’m living for each one,,,,,,,, it’s so goddamn good!!! and sweet!!! and just ughhhhh!!! highly recommend!!

Shot Through The Heart - peanutbutterjelly-pie (Aleakim) : Dean is a hunter. Castiel is a Man of Letters. And even though they have to work together on a regular basis, there is not much sympathy between them. Castiel thinks Dean too brash and reckless while Dean in return sees nothing more in the other man than a rude asshole with an obsessive love for books and a truly terrible fashion sense. But fate clearly has a funny way of throwing those two together over and over again. And somewhere along the way feelings change into something neither of them would have expected.  nah nah, y’all don’t understand,,, this fic is amazing!! again; ENEMIES TO LOVERS!!!! it doesn’t get better than that, am i right?

ours is the fire, all the warmth we can find - xylodemon : Sam brings it up as they're driving back from the steakhouse in Mankato.Dean cuts him a sharp, sideways glance. "You think I should what?""I think you should try journaling.""Why the hell would I wanna do that?" very sad and very beautifully written grieving Dean. just exactly what i needed after the finale and very much patched up the hole in my heart

Be My Boyfriend : Dean and Cas keep having to pretend to be dating to discourage other potential suitors. Things get a little out of hand. i actually read this first on tumblr and loved it so much i had to find it on ao3!! it’s such sweet and silly fluff!!!!

Holiday Homies - tricia_16 : Best friends Dean and Cas are sick and tired of the stress the holidays put on anybody not already in a relationship. The endless plus one invitations to fill for New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day (and this year, Sam and Jess's wedding on top of everything else) never freaking stop. So on Halloween night, Dean and Cas come up with a plan to be each other's plus ones from Thanksgiving to the 4th Of July. They'll fake a relationship, get their parents off of their backs, actually enjoy the holidays for once... and maybe wring a few orgasms out of each other while they’re at it.What could go wrong? you want two dumbasses in love?? you want friends with benefits who are very much in love with each other?? you want to cry in frustration over their idiocy?? this is the fic for you

fifteen flares - microcomets : When Dean finally comes home, the knots in his shoulders aching and his skin still layered in dust, he finds Cas waiting up for him at the kitchen table. Without a word, Cas nudges the vacant chair out with his foot, sliding an unopened beer across the counter in a silent invitation. (post-13.06 coda.) y’all this is so sweet and cute and just wholesome. i absolutely adore confession pre-canon and this is no exceptiion

Wanna Bet? - bendingsignpost : “I bet you... that I can get laid tonight before you can get a single kiss. We pick each other’s targets.”Dean bites his lip in the vain attempt to not burst out laughing. “Uh-huh,” he says. “Sure, Sammy. Someone single and actually attractive, sure.”“Deal?” Sam says. “A kiss on the mouth, no cheating.”Still pushing down a laugh, Dean offers his hand across the table. They shake. “Deal. Okay, who am I going for?”Sam smiles wider than the devil that once possessed him, and answers: “Cas.”  pure Dean dumbassery and intervening Sam AND IT’S SO SO GOOD!! my heart aches

Four Letter Word for Intercourse - bendingsignpost : As a grease monkey turned college freshman, Dean's constantly three seconds away from being stressed out of his mind. It hardly helps that he's finally figuring out his sexuality in his thirties. What might help with that stress is a little phone number (and a big credit card bill). If he can't figure out how to be bisexual in person, he can at least give it a go over the phone, right? (It's probably a bad idea, but he really can't help himself.) okay,,, so,,, this fic may have awakened certain things in me,,,,,,, but GOD DAMN!!!! genuinely,,,, one of the best fics i’ve read; it’s just so goddamn good! i don’t think i can adequately express how much i love this fic!!

and on that note, i shall end your suffering for the time being. but seriously, these fics are genuinely well written, well thought out and executed!! they deserve to be read by everyone who will enjoy them!!

pt.1 , pt.2

[satanisnotapogostick]

sam playlist liner notes

1. jesse got trapped in a coal mine – goodnight, texas

dean picking sam up from stanford in the pilot: jesse getting trapped in the coal mine

(he never DID marry his girl)

2. me and bobby mcgee – kris kristofferson

to me, me and bobby mcgee is about when sam runs away from dean and hangs out with meg before she outs herself as a demon

3. dorothy - mewithoutYou

“one turned into sr. Margaret, and I said "if you can change your shape that easily can you take the form of my dead father?”… then last night I was somewhere near virginia rebuking satan with ironic faithfulness. and satan turned to me: have you thought much about that cry?"

lucifer AND john themes???? yes.

4. life during wartime – talking heads

this song is sam adjusting to being a hunter and being at war, where he’ll stay for the rest of his life <3

5. this is how we do things in the country – slim cessna’s auto club

ok so this song is about sam killing madison. when you murder the girl you’re sweet on but it’s righteous and everyone thanks you for it. this is how it’s always been! this is how we do things in the country! (and also getting amy killed, a little bit, but that hasn’t happened yet. this is still early seasons)

6. clampdown – the clamp

“the voices in your head are calling. stop wasting your time, there's nothing coming, only a fool would think someone could save you… but you grow up and you calm down, and you're working for the clampdown.”

damn maybe we’re not the good guys. anyway!!

7. smith & jones forever – silver jews

smith & jones (salmondean) together!! forever!!

8. everything you did – steely dan

oh bro you slutted around with a demon and let satan out. what have you done

9. tortoises all the way down - mewithoutYou

“everybody knows, son. everybody knows what you've done!!”

just crazyass guilt song

10. up jumped the devil – nick cave

the tiger. he destroyed his cage. yes. YES. the tiger is out.

11. (ghost) riders in the sky – marty robbins

“then cowboy change your ways today or with us you will ride. tryin’ to catch the devil herd across these endless skies”

just s5 endless chase vibes

12. needle in the hay – elliott smith

demon blood detox time baby

13. emperor – mark lanegan

“why can’t I get right? all these demons to enslave me. who’s left to fight? oh, just the emperor.” the emperor being lucifer. obviously.

14. skating away (on the thin ice of a new day) – jethro tull

they have the horseman rings!! sam’s about to jump into the cage!! your world is about to end, but it’s okay!! you’ve done it!!

15. the passenger – iggy pop

and lol now he’s possessed by lucifer

16. the mercy seat – nick cave

okay now we’re at stull and he’s REALLY going to the gallows (jumping in)

17. when you die - MGMT

I imagine this song happening during the fall itself from stull into the cage. honestly this is a weaker entry but like. haha tfw you die

18. fifteen feet of pure white snow – nick cave

thee cage song.

“I waved to my neighbot, my neighbor waved to me. but my neighbor is my enemy. I kept waving my arms til I could not see, under fifteen feet of pure white snow. is anyone out there please? it’s too quiet in here and I’ve beginning to freeze. I’ve got icicles hanging from my knees, under fifteen feet of pure white snow”

you’ve even got icy temperature themes!

19. loverman – nick cave

yeah <3

“there’s a devil waiting outside your door (how much longer?) there’s a devil waiting outside your door and he’s bucking and braying and pawing at the floor and he’s howling with pain and crawling up the walls…. loverman!!! till the bitter end!!! while empires burn down forever and ever and ever and ever amen”

nick cave count: 4

20. satan it’s you – jett screams

@polishnatural recommendation. cellmates (and bunk buddies) with the devil in hell type vibes

21. relax, take it easy - mika

the war has already been won and nothing that happens in here has any effect on the real world. why not relax into the simplicity of it all!! (sometimes it’s just better when things are bad type vibes)

22. don’t lose your temper - xtc

we’re out of the cage! and starting strong with a mocking song bc he already lost his temper and grew mild and that’s why he’s too tired to fight. so this is the only hallucifer era song on the playlist

23. first wave intact – secret machines

war metaphors. extended wars. unwinnable wars.

“I wonder what you're waiting for. I wonder what you're working for. I wonder what you're living for. I wonder what you're dying for”

same king

24. mexican war streets - mewithoutYou

“but how long before our tails are caught by our "free" thought?” INDEED

“nature had another plan (& failed to run it by me!) nature had another plan, some other surrogate self to live in the sediment of so many somebody elses' innumerable lives and you were right: it's not a person who dies but worlds die inside us”

SO TRUE. we’re fully breaking into late seasons here

mwY count: 3

25. screen shot - swans

these are all sam’s meditation mantras. he’s offering a course: how to become okay with really horrible situations that you are also complicit in. “love! now! breathe! now! love! now! breathe! now!”

26. god’s away on business – tom waits

IT WASN’T GOD IN YOUR HEAD SAM

27. when the lights come on – they might be giants

when the lights come on (when lucifer brings you back to life)

28. light’s on

TWO songs about sam’s resurrection at lucifer’s hands??? yeah ;)

“the lights are on, you don’t know just who your friends are. the lights are on, and it’s light you’ll never know”

29. devil’s resting place – laura marling

I mean. yeah. his time in the cage with the devil coming back to haunt him

30. failure - swans

see my edit that I won’t link bc I can’t find. but anyway yeah. this guy fails a lot

31. last song about satan – slim cessna’s auto club

ding dong the devil is dead!!

32. president – max frost

@girlkingsam recommendation. late seasons sam vibes for sure. plus this song can be read as being about hell politics which is fun. I don’t give a damn who’s president (of hell)!

33. the road goes on forever – the highwayen

cycles of violence, etc. the road goes on forever, nothing ever (really) changes. (also yes sonny is dean and sherry is sam. I guess)

34. careers in combat – parquet courts

the namesake of my little fanfiction.

“there are no more summer lifeguard jobs, there are no more art museums to guard. the lab is out of white lab coats cause there are no more slides and microscopes. but there are still careers in combat my son!!!”

king of hell ending please please you’re nothing. anyway he’s been at war his whole life and war is his legacy. anyway.

[loch-lomund]

Love Me Anyway (Please)

When Eddie hears a soft thump on his back porch at 11:07 pm, he’s got a pretty good idea of what or rather who, it is.

“Ed-Eddiee?” Buck slurs.

“Are you drunk, Buck?” He reeks like a distillery.

“You said you didn’t recommend hitting things.”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t have recommended this either, moron."

Link to read on the AO3

When Eddie hears a soft thump on his back porch at 11:07 pm, or he’s got a pretty good idea of what or rather who, it is. Buck’s having a really hard time with his parents’ visit- and honestly Eddie’s been half expecting him to show up all night. Buck had been going at the bag pretty hard this afternoon, but he’s not like Eddie when he’s upset. He doesn’t like to be left alone.  So Eddie’s even left the porch light on. But when he doesn’t hear Buck’s key in the door, and he does hear the boards on his back porch creaking like someone’s lingering out there, he knows something’s off.

He tip toes to the door, grabbing his baseball bat from behind the couch on the way- Eddie thinks his paranoia is understandable considering the shitstorm that has been his life the past few years- and he pauses at the door, hand poised at the door knob, and listens. He hears the soft but unmistakeable sound of someone breathing on the other side of his door, and his heart begins to pound, his only thought to protect his home and son. He counts down to himself- 3, 2, 1 and rips the door open,  bat swinging wildly, and half way to its target when he realizes-

“Buck?!”

His best friend has tumbled inside backwards, losing his balance from having the support of the door he’d been leaning on so heavily abruptly removed. He’s clutching the wall now for support, reacting slowly and not at all defensively enough for someone who had just nearly been attacked with a baseball bat.

“Ed-Eddiee?” Buck slurs.

“Are you drunk?” Buck reeks like a distillery, and he’s not doing a good job supporting his own weight, leaning awkwardly against the wall in Eddie’s cramped entryway.

“You said you didn’t recommend hitting things.”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t have recommended this either, moron. Christopher is home, you know.”

Buck looks stricken at that, and he immediately turns as though to leave, swaying clumsily as he goes.

“M’sorry, Eddie. I’ll go- Chris shouldn’t see me like this.”

Exasperated, Eddie tugs Buck back into the living room. Despite his aborted movement towards the door, Buck lets himself be led.

“If can promise to be quiet, he won’t have to- he’s down for the night. Where do you think you’re gonna go, anyway? How did you even get here, huh?”

Buck looks at Eddie through bloodshot, half closed eyes, “think I walked.”

Mierda.

Eddie hauls Buck into the bathroom and runs the sink, wetting a warm wash cloth and handing it to Buck. He finds the spare towels and takes stock of Buck again, who is staring intently down into the bowl of the sink, shoulders hunched, washcloth being gripped tightly and also uselessly in his right hand. Buck’s losing time in that way of drunken misery. Instead of just leaving Buck to it, Eddie finds himself in parental mode, running the shower and sticking his hand in the stream to make sure the temperature is just so, the action practiced from countless nights with Chris.

“Get in.”

Buck looks like he might say something, protest rising in his expression.

“Evan, take a shower.” Eddie says sharply, a military tone underlying the softness of the command

Buck’s face crumples, and his already reddened eyes sting with tears that don’t fall.

“Please, please don’t call me that.” Alarmed, Eddie lurches forward and grips Buck by the shoulder. He doesn’t often call Buck by his real name, but it’s never caused a reaction like this before.

“Okay, okay. I won’t. I’m sorry. Get in the shower, Buck.”  And Buck’s nodding, obediently stripping and stepping under the spray. Eddie barely gets out of the bathroom in time to give Buck his privacy, and he feels the heat rising to his own cheeks as he catches a glimpse of his friend’s rippling back and ass. He’s unsure if the blush is out of embarrassment for Buck’s naked vulnerability, or if it’s out of attraction. Maybe a bit of both. Either way, now’s not the time for these thoughts.

Eddie busies himself in the kitchen, brewing a large mug of herbal tea. He winces when he hears Buck gagging, but he’s a little relieved as well. He doesn’t know how much Buck drank but he knows it was way too much. He’s glad some of that is leaving his system, however unpleasantly. He opens the bathroom door partway and wordlessly hands in a spare toothbrush. Buck, who’s upright again at the sink and now wearing a towel around his waist, takes it, clumsily. Eddie notices that Buck’s hands are shaking, fine tremors making their way through him. But Buck stubbornly avoids eye contact, so Eddie leaves again. If he thinks he hears a sob, he pretends not to- if Buck doesn’t want him to know he won’t push. He sets down two mugs of tea and waits in the living room.

Buck finally emerges wearing a pair of Eddie’s sweats and an LAFD hoodie that could belong to either of them. His eyes are clearer when he sits down next to Eddie on the couch. He wraps both hands around the thick mug Eddie’s prepared for him and lifts it to his lips. His hands are still shaking, and he sloshes some of the tea onto his hoodie, wincing at the heat, but drinking deeply.

Without looking at Eddie, he intones, “thank you.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for, Buck.”

“But there is!” Buck’s making eye contact with Eddie for the first time tonight, and what Eddie sees there all but breaks his heart.

“It’s what we do, Buck. I’ve got your back- you’ve had mine, and Christopher’s, more times than I can count.”

“No one’s ever-” Buck gulps and tries again, “No one’s ever…”

“No one’s ever, what, Buck?” Eddie prompts gently. Buck just looks up at Eddie, desperate to say something and unable to get it in the open.

“No one’s ever wanted me!” Buck bursts out, and now that it’s been said, he’s gasping for breath like he’s just run a marathon, his hands over his mouth trying to muffle the sound so that he doesn’t wake Chris.

Eddie feels that outburst like a slap to the face. It’s such a simple, raw statement that pleads for acknowledgement and tears and tears at Eddie’s heart. Eddie reels himself back from his first reaction- denial- because he knows it won’t be helpful.

“What makes you say that, Buck?”

“I always knew I was never enough but I didn’t understand why,” and Buck’s voice breaks a little on that word. “I was a replacement. And not a good one.”

“What are you talking about, Buck?” Eddie asks softly.

“I never knew, but Maddie told me tonight-by accident- I don’t know if she or anyone ever would have told me.” The words are tumbling out of Buck now, and his breath is hitching in these painful sounding gasps that are not-quite sobs.

“I had a brother. He died- and- my parents had me. I don’t- I don’t know why, because they found it so hard.  All I know is that I was never enough. They couldn’t l-l-love me.” Buck’s hesitation on that word makes Eddie hurt for him. “They said we- they said I made it too hard.”

Buck’s not getting enough air, and he has to stop for a second. Eddie softly, tentatively places a hand on Buck’s back and starts rubbing circles.

Eddie’s not too comfortable with physical touch- he’s not talking about a friendly pat, a shoulder bump, legs pressed together on the way to a battleground or a fire- an elbow thrown here or there teasingly. Those kinds of touches he’s used to, been used to since his time in the army, and he gives them out easily.  He’s not even talking about sex, the physicality and sharp pleasure of which comes naturally to him. But physical intimacy- the kind that accompanies vulnerability and softness- that’s difficult.

His withdrawal in that way was a key symptom of his PTSD when he returned to the States. It was an important reason behind the loss of connection that spelled the demise of his marriage. He had to work on it, hard, when he first got Chris back in his life. He’d even discussed it with his therapist and Chris’. Eddie learned to step up for Christopher, and now he’ll unhesitatingly take his son into his arms.

But Buck doesn’t struggle with touch. He folds Eddie into a hug when he thinks Eddie’s had a bad day- he sits with his arm around Chim and Hen in the truck, and he unashamedly holds Maddie’s hand when they’re out on walks. He’s even seen Buck kiss Christopher on the forehead before bed. Maybe, as Eddie’s learning, Buck’s physicality is a direct result of his cold upbringing. What Eddie knows for sure, though, is that Buck thrives on physical intimacy. And right now, he needs a physical reminder that he is loved.

Eddie’s hand has made its way to the back of Buck’s neck. He gives it a squeeze. Buck forces another painful truth out:

“They wanted Daniel, not me. They said I was hard to love.”

And Eddie…can’t listen to this anymore. He surges forward and pulls Buck right into his arms and half into his lap in a tight hug. It’s awkward because Buck’s a big man, but Eddie’s determined. He wants to say so many things but words aren’t Eddie’s forte and all that comes out is this:

“They were wrong.” But it’s enough. Eddie is enough.

Buck whimpers into Eddie’s hoodie, the sound hurting Eddie as much as Buck. He breaks down, burying his head in Eddie’s neck. He’s crying in earnest now, big sobs that make his back tremble and that he’s trying his best to muffle. He cries like he’s twelve years old again. Eddie’s a little scared with the force of it. He just holds on, rubbing bigger circles into Buck’s back. Buck cries and cries, and eventually the sobs gets smaller and turn into little breath hitches. Eddie finds himself pressing a kiss into Buck’s temple before he can stop himself.

He pours his feelings into his grip on Buck, which he adjusts and keeps even after Buck stops crying. Eventually, Buck lifts his head and pulls back.

“S-sorry. I think I snotted all over you,” Buck sniffs and wipes his eyes and face on the sleeve of his hoodie. Eddie snorts.

“Sure did. You’re buying the pizza for the next month,” he says, trying for lighthearted. He strips off his wet hoodie and catches Buck looking. Even though he’s been crying, Buck’s still fucking stunning. Suddenly,  Eddie’s very aware in a different way of Buck’s closeness. His blood is pounding in his ears, and he’s gonna need to take a minute. He stretches, going for nonchalant, but no sooner has he got his arms over his head than Eddie’s the one crowded against the wall, and Buck’s kissing him soundly. Eddie’s body reacts immediately, jeans tightening and tongue slipping easily into Buck’s mouth.  Pretty quickly, though, sober heads-in this case Eddie’s- prevail.

“Buck-” he gets out between kisses.

“Yeah? Buck growls, stripping Eddie’s shirt off. Eddie groans long and low when Buck presses them together.

“Buck, wait. Stop.” Buck leans back, reeling a little. His eyes are filling up again and that’s the absolute last thing Eddie wants.

“No, I mean-“ If Eddie’s a little jumbled at the moment he thinks he should be forgiven- “Yes, stop. But just for now.”

“Eddie?”

“You’re still a little drunk, Buck, and it’s been a big night. When we do this, I want it to be with a clear head.” Buck nods, slowly.

“When, not if?”

“I don’t think there’s been an ‘if’ in my mind for a long time, Buck. But there’s a lot at stake here, and…” Eddie hesitates here- he doesn’t want Buck to take this the wrong way, but he needs to say it for his own sake.

“What is it, Eds?”

“When we cross that line, I need to know it’s because you really want me, and not because you need to feel wanted.”

Buck’s eyes fill visibly with emotion again, and Eddie winces, because he knows that had landed hard. But Buck surprises him. He pulls Eddie into a hug, and because they’re standing now, it’s Eddie whose head fits under Buck’ chin.

“You’re right, Eds. But I won’t ever let you feel unwanted.” It’s Eddie’s turn to feel his eyes stinging a bit. He takes Buck by the hand and leads him down the hall to the bedroom. They sleep soundly, and in the morning Chris’ energetic begging for pancakes will give Buck reason to regret his decisions as he suffers through a hangover and Eddie’s amusement at his expense.

[shinra-makonoid]

Genuinely asking as a pre-T trans man: do you (or your mutuals, followers, etc) have any genuine resources on vaginal atrophy due to T? Is it a common thing that I should be worried about? This is the first I’ve heard of it, but I don’t want to blindly trust a subreddit that’s viewed to be a misinformation-spreading radfem cesspool, without first getting more info on the phenomenon

I looked a bit for it.

My own experience with vaginal atrophy is resumed by this:

- my bits seem to get drier at the start of a new month of T, but it's usually just the few first minutes, after that it's good.

- my vag seems like it's narrower and more sensitive/fragile, but it isn't really a bother to me because I don't do PiV. If you do PiV make sure to actually have a lot of lubrication and not too rough or you might bleed. (TMI part) When I went to the gyn last time, I could feel it became narrower and was basically like swimming in a bunch of meat, instead of a cave, it was strange. (End TMI part)

- my bits can be itchy once in a while, but I'm still wondering whether that's due to my body adjusting to the new dosage I'm on (I went from half a vial every 2 weeks to one vial every 4 weeks, four months ago) or if that's an actual symptom. It used to be worse just after the change of dosage but now I barely register it so I would assume that's not going to last but still, I'm talking about it. It could also be due to hair, which grows thicker with T.

I think that's the standard VA symptoms for most trans men. Testosterone will cause you to have vaginal atrophy. Because basically what happens is that testosterone is so strong it kills out the estrogen (that's why we don't need anti hormones like trans women), and therefore putting us in a menopausal state.

This website seems to talk about a couple more of them like cramping and UTIs. It recommends vaginal cream but I can't comment on them, and I am not very certain that it had actual proven effects, despite the publicity. *Coughs* Buck Angel *coughs*

This article has interesting explanations about what happens regarding vaginal atrophy. There is also a part about trans women's vagina.

https://wchh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1002/tre.651

This article claims that vaginal atrophy starts at 3-6 months and takes its full effect between 1 to 2 years.

https://www.thebody.com/article/pelvic-health-transgender-people

This talks about pelvic floor which is another thing radfems tend to be pretty bleak about but the person interviewed claims there's no evidence supporting the idea that testosterone in trans men harms pelvic floors.

I'm not doing them much but I would recommend anyone to do pelvic floor exercises. They can be harmed during a surgery in your lower parts (of any kind) and that's basically what contracts when you have an orgasm.

I hope it's somewhat informative, but please talk about your health concerns to actual professionals, they should have your best interest at heart and will be much more likely to ease your anxiety if that's a thing for you, than a random person on the internet. Go to the gyn too, it is very important.

If anyone has any information with a source I'll be happy to share.

[oneawkwardcookie]

11 Questions

Tagged by @milverton 😊

Rules: Answer the following 11 questions and then ask 11 of your own and tag people.

1. What is the worst character death you've seen/read? As in it did not make sense for the plot, was clearly just done for the shock value, or because they didn’t know what to do with the character etc.

Can I saw Castiel despite not watching the show? Honestly though, I don’t really tend to watch shows that kill off their characters for drama! Probably Liv’s boyfriends in iZombie - I can’t decide whether Drake or Lowell’s deaths were worse... maybe Lowell because I like Bradley James.

2.  What is the worst character death you've seen/read? As in it was done well and really made you feel something.

Hmmmm ... the only good character death I can think of is Doug from 911,

3. Who is your favourite character from the last show you watched?

The last show I was watching was Decoupled, and Arya is my favourite so far. He’s hilariously misanthropic and I love to see him fuck up.

4. What is your favourite food associated with a holiday?

Haleem, which I associate with Eid-ul-Adha.

5. Do you have any paintings on your wall?

I have the painting photographs that my landlord has put up around the flat, but I’ve also got some of my own little watercolours up as well 😊

6. Have you learnt anything new during the pandemic?

I learnt to knit, and how to make tapioca pearls so that I could make my own bubble tea.

7. Is there a skill you really wanted to learn as a child, but for whatever reason didn’t and it feels like it’s too late now or you aren’t interested anymore?

I wish I’d learnt Arabic, but I feel too old for that now.

8. Pick a ship that you really like. Apart from each other, who would you ship them with? You can’t say no one.

Oooh I’m gonna challenge myself and say Buddie. Buck and Ali were cute together and introducing her realisation in 2x18 was kinda out of left-field so if they just didn’t do that!

Eddie has chemistry everyone, but the show really doesn’t help me on this front, cos they don’t really give Eddie *anyone*. Eddie with a single mum would be interesting. Since Charlie’s mum is a no from me, I’ll pick the single mum from 2x04. She was cute. Otherwise, I was just talking to Zee the other day about how Eddie and Ali might have been interesting (if she hadn’t dated Buck!) cos he *was* the one rescuing her from the hotel window.

9. In no particular order, who are three of your favourite non-mutual followers?

I don’t really do favourites, though know that I recognise people in my notes!

10. What was the reason you followed the last blog you followed?

I wanted to follow a Buddie blog that also posted some other stuff, and I’m sure this person posted something funny to make me find their blog! 

11. What show or film would you currently like to recommend to your followers?

Decoupled - I haven’t even finished two episodes but I’m already hooked.

Tagging: @breannacasey, @novemberhush, @madamewriterofwrongs, @zeethebooknerd, @lovelessmotel, @fireinyourkiss, @mybelovededdiediaz, @theladyyavilee, @leightonmurrayz, @diazchristopher, @alltoowelltmv.

What’s your favourite fruit?

If you could only listen to songs from one album for the rest of your life, which album would you pick?

What’s the best holiday you’ve been on, and why?

What TV show would you bring back, either as a reboot or continuing where it was cancelled?

What’s the best thing that’s happened to you during the pandemic?

What’s your favourite mode of public transport?

What three movies would someone need to watch to understand you?

Share something you’ve learnt or seen today

What’s your favourite thing about Tumblr?

What’s a thing your family does that is definitely something pretty unique to you all?

Who’s your most interesting relative and why?

[besybil]

A LESSON ON SERVITORS

chaoscommentary

Introduction

In the Chaos Magick ladder which I briefly described in a previous article we have Servitors as the next evolution of our high magick.

Just to remind you we go from:

Sigils -> Servitors -> Egregores -> God forms.

Servitors are much more difficult to put into application than sigils. They require more time and energy as well.

The good news (for some) is that Servitors can still be created in private.

Egregores and Godforms are almost impossible to create without some sort of extra participation or fellowship with other people (however I have some clever methods to use which will be described when I get to those subjects.) Regardless, before I jump into how to create a servitor, I need to clearly define WHAT a servitor IS.

What is a Servitor?

As servitor is a thought form of your own creation. One of the most popular occurrences (back in the day) was the creation of imaginary friends by children.

The power and purpose of your servitor will be entirely dependent on you and your desire to develop it. For young children, to have a non judgmental companion to walk beside them as they learn to socially cope with other people is a common mission for some servitors. Another way to think of Servitors is as “Familiars.”

Now this comes with a bit of a warning, without proper attention your servitor may gain independence and a life of its own (Thus evolving into an Egregore.) I am all about responsibility and making your magick do exactly what it was intended to do, so I will give you some tips on how to keep a leash on your familiar.

Why would I want a Servitor?

Like I said in a previous article, sigils are typically where the buck stops for most Chaotes. They are powerful, work as intended and are very accurate. You could technically stop right there and have everything you will ever need for working with magick. However, magick is more of a walk for some and an exploration of endless possibilities for others. Servitor creation is the next step into some deep waters and a step out into the wild frontier of Magick. This is where the pedal hits the metal; this is where the wild adventure begins. For many adult occultists, this is also a return to childhood which can be a very scary place for some.

That being said; familiars and their purpose are left to your imagination. A companion (friend), a bodyguard, and yes even lovers are all applications for Servitor work. However let me come with a warning, the more you feed a servitor the stronger and more independent it can become. As such I advise highly against creating servitors for sexual gratification. You may end up giving birth to a hag or a succubus (a result of uncontrolled mutation), which in the end will make your life miserable. It would be better to create a wing(wo)man to help bolster your confidence to gain a physical mate. My point ultimately is, just like sigils, there is no limit on what a servitor can do, look like or become. The only limit is your imagination. If a sigils is a magickal computer program, Servitors are magickal robots, just shy of becoming Magickal AI.

Servitors are astral constructs.  Servitors can cause physical change.

Practical use for servitors include:

An assistant in solo magickal work.

A protector for your house.

An assistant for keeping your workspace clean.

To name just a few.

Okay I get it! How do I MAKE one?

First rule: Temper your enthusiasm with caution. Respect the ritual you are about to perform.

Second Rule: We do not create accidents; make sure you truly want to create a servitor. These are not toys, they are very real beings created from your energies, they are in short, your children. Be a responsible parent.

Third Rule: Always, always, always, set up rules and restrictions to keep your servitors exactly that. Without rules, a servitor has the potential to become an Egregore and no longer under your control.

Optional but highly recommended: When I create servitors I get into the habit of breaking down ones I no longer use and incorporate them into the newer, upgraded models. I had a bad experience with leaving “junk servitors” unattended only to have them haunting my dreams and bumping into me in the middle of the night. If you are down with a servitor, release the energy and let it be free. This act prevents the buildup of malice and negative energies from neglected thought forms. Keep your workspace clean, in the astral and in the physical.

Now that we have that established let me begin.

As always with Chaos Magick, there is no right or wrong way to do this. What I offer you is what has worked for me. Tweak it for your purposes. (For me) It always helps to have a template to start with, but YOUR magickal walk is exactly that, yours not mine; you are the final Judge on what you are willing and able to commit to such a practice.

Step 1: State the purpose of your Servitor

Create a sigil or series of sigils which will define the purpose of your servitor. “Protect my home,” “Keep my house clean,” so on and so forth. Make as many sigils as you need. This is the easy part, feel free to find my article on sigil making in this blog.

Step 2: Create a body for your Servitor

You have two options here.

Option A:

You can bind them to a fetish like is a doll, figurine or even a drawing of your own design. I am a naturally arts and crafts kind of person so this is my preferred method.

Option B:

However if for whatever reason I don’t not have the time or money to create a physical representation of my servitor, I use meditation and create the servitor in my mind and in astral space.

Regardless, the process requires the same amount of energy, effort and IMAGINATION. You must visualize the servitor. How tall is it? Does it have limbs? Can it speak? It can take hours to create a body for your  servitor, but you need to define as many of its functions and characteristics as possible. Its body needs to be a vivid as possible. Some of my servitors have looked like Lovecraftian horrors, while one of my longtime companions is a very cute four foot tall blonde elf girl who speaks in wind chimes.

Step 3: Bind your sigils in the body of the servitor, and put in its safety protocols.

Binding your sigils can be as simple as drawing them inside your picture, carving them into your doll, or imagining the sigils being put in place of where its “heart” or “battery” may be. The point is to make sure your sigils are part of your servitor. Once this occurs, and you are convinced the two have become one, a safety should be put into place. As I said before, without a leash or restrain, your servitor has cart-blanche to run amok and out of your control. You have again, to options here: A command word or a counter sigil. The command word can be: “Stop!” “Sit!” “Go away!” It is best to keep it simple; although I know a few people who used poetry for particularly devious machines to make sure not everyone can shut them down. That is the key to command words however, anyone can use them. A servitor must be compelled once a person speaks a word or command phrase to abide by its programming.

Safety Method A: Command Words

Creating a command word is as simple as touching your servitor (if you used a fetish, this is easier) and speaking plainly to them “When I say <x> you will do <y>” (X and Y are your phrase and its action.) Repeat this as many times as you need to remember or until you feel you servitor is ready to comply. You can put as many command words on your servitor as you want, just be careful not to use the same word to do multiple things, or that they words are counterproductive to its mission. You could confuse the crap out of it.

Safety Method B: Counter Sigils

The second method, counter sigils, are kind of a fire and forget method. It lets a servitor know where it  is or isn’t allowed to be. This requires you to name your servitor and upon naming it, creating a sigil of its name. You must decide if this sigil is a ward or a summoning upon its creation. You do not need to commit much thought to this nor does it change the method of how the sigil is created, the intent is good enough. “This sigil means you are welcome to work in this place,” or “This sigil prevents you from going into this place,” Is good enough of a declaration for this method to work. I have seen people bind servitors in boxes with this method and let them out when needed, while others have put the symbols on doors and the like to let servitors know where they should go.

Step 4: BRING YOUR CREATION TO LIFE!!!!!

The ritual can be as elaborate or mundane as you want. However I will tell you, the more elaborate the more powerful your servitor will be in the long run. I have used a simple hand flick gesture (like turning on a light) to activate some, they only lasted a few days before the broke down. My longtime companion servitor had entire weeks of music and food dedicated to her and if she didn’t have any safety protocols in place, probably would have become an Egregore by now. Still, perform a ritual that lets the servitor know it is born. Throw it a birthday party, show it around the house, get silly, get childish. There is no right or wrong way to invite this new entity into your home, just know, the more gnosis you feed it, the better.

Step 4:

Regular maintenance of your servitor is a must. Your servitor must be in your mind from time to time. If you forget about it, it loses energy and dies. While, just thinking about it is okay, offerings or rewards are much more potent. For my lesser servitors I give them a drop of life force when they have done well. For my companion, I have treated her to donuts and milk. The key is to understand the relationship between you and your servitor. Unless you set them free, they cannot live without you. If you forget them, they will die. Woe to the chaote who creates a servitor with no restrictions and then neglects them, you may create a vengeful spirit to infest your house. So reward you servitor when they have done their duties and let them know you still care about them.

Dismantling your Servitors:

I include this part because all good occultists know the value of banishment. Some servitors outlive their usefulness and thus need to be released back into the cosmos. This is not a cruel thing to do, as a matter of fact; actively releasing your unused servitors is very humane. It is cruel to leave a bound servitor unattended to die an agonizing death of forgetfulness and neglect.

Dismantling is simple. Take the abject or thought of you servitor and tell it “You are free” or “I set you free” Imagine all of the bindings and words leaving and falling apart into harmless light. If you have a fetish, set it ablaze or destroy it in some gentle way. Make sure that the object can no longer physically house the servitor. IT is a very good practice to tell it, that it has performed well and it is time for it to move on. If the servitor doesn’t seem to want to leave then you may have to perform this a few time. My companion didn’t want to leave me when I tried to banish her the first three times, she was so fiercely loyal that I gave her a second birthday and still keep her to this day.

That is servitor making in a nutshell.

I am sure many of you have questions or will want me to elaborate. So feel free to ask questions if you need help. This is a basic outline, I am vague for a reason to encourage you to go out there and find what works for you. Just be safe and Chaos Magick responsibly.

~M.A. Hargrove © 2014

[seijch]

tsukishima kei | dooms•day

tsukishima kei + gender neutral!reader

genre. romance, angst, bits of fluff

word count. 1.9k

recommended listening. matt maltese - as the world caves in

synopsis. how would you spend the next twenty-four hours, knowing that they would be your last?

12:00 AM | 23:59:59

The clock strikes midnight.

You exchange a glance with Tsukishima.

This is the beginning of the end, it says. Are you ready? it asks.

The meteor is en route to Earth. The planet has less than twenty-four hours left to live.

You haven’t been able to sleep much these days, and Tsukishima can’t blame you. Instead, you stay up together, a movie you’ve seen countless times playing in the background. “Can we watch something else? I don’t know how keen I am on making this one of the last movies I ever see,” he drawls.

Your relationship has always required mastery of reading between the lines, peering through the hairline cracks in words and actions for their true meaning. You called him out on it, once.

(“You’re like a nut,” you’d blurted, legs draped over his lap as you scrolled through your timeline.

There had been a beat of silence before he deadpanned, “What.” When you glanced up from your phone, he had been giving you a look.

Looks, in your relationship, are quite commonplace. Tsukki’s full of them: hard looks that express his exasperation, split seconds of pure adoration he thinks you don’t notice, and even capital-L Looks that lead to sweaty bodies against smooth bedsheets.

That night, his look had been one of muted curiosity. “You know,” you pressed on, sitting up to close the distance between you, “like how squirrels break open nuts to get to the good stuff.” To prove your point, you had knocked on his skull and stifled a laugh at his grimace.

“You’re calling me a nut?” His mouth was set into a hard line. “You could’ve just as easily called me an oyster, say I’m a pearl or some sappy shit like that.”

“First of all, no,” you frowned, having switched to carding your fingers through his hair. “When have we ever been into sappy shit? Besides, I think it’s funnier to call you a nut. So I will.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone more in my life,” he said, leaning into your touch regardless.

“Uh huh. You keep telling yourself that.” You had taken the victory that night, planted a chaste kiss to his lips as your prize.) 

You know he doesn’t mind the movie; in fact, you think he enjoys it. You don’t know how to tell him that a numb feeling’s set in, ghosting over your fingertips. You don’t know how to tell him that the two things keeping you steady are his arms around you and the movie (which, really, isn’t even that good) playing.

So you don’t. The way he holds you tighter than ever tells you everything you need to know.

3:16 AM | 20:44:15

“I take it we’re not sleeping tonight?” Tsukishima asks, long fingers wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate.

You blow on your own mug before responding. “What’s the point? We’ll be asleep soon enough.” Forever, you don’t add.

“Fair enough.”

The first sip is sweet in all the right ways. You cherish the little joy, the small victory, while you can.

5:49 AM | 18:11:57

The sun rises on the last day you’ll ever see. You and Tsukishima watch it crawl up the high-rise buildings around you, darkness giving way to dawn. You’ve never understood the appeal of chasing after sunrise and sunset, but you start to wish you hadn’t taken something so constant for granted.

Tsukishima’s fingers graze yours as they hang from the railing of your apartment’s balcony. His fingers toy with yours, intertwined without your palms touching. He does this often, and you’re sure you can map out the callouses of his fingers, each line of his palm by touch alone.

It’s as the sky bleeds from orange to pale blue that it hits.

Your eyes sting with incoming tears at the finality. You won’t finish college. You won’t get to live your dreams, move into a proper house. You won’t get to see Tsukki, your Tsukki at the end of the altar, waiting for you to join him.

“I love you,” you choke out, voice strained. It’s the only thing you can think to say at a time like this. “I mean it. I always mean it, but—” You try to stress your words, make it absolutely clear that you’ve never meant anything like you mean this. “I mean it. I love you, Kei.” You retract your hand from his, needing both to wipe away your tears.

When you turn to look at him, he’s crying too.

1:57 PM | 10:03:17

You’ve just gotten off the phone with your family, the first and last people you called when the news of the world’s end got out. When was the last time you saw them? Saw your friends? The time you have left isn’t enough to see them one last time.

Your fist trembles as you press it against your lips, eyes sore but stinging with tears kept at bay.

Despite this, the sun shines cheerily outside. It’s a beautiful day, everything washed in afternoon light. You figure this is better than spending your last day with the sky painted dreary gray.

Tsukishima comes up behind you, arms rubbing circles into your upper arms. “I just got off the phone with Akiteru.”

“How is he?”

“With our mom.” You know he wishes he could be there too, wants for it like nothing else. You can only dream to grant his eleventh-hour request.

“I’m sorry.” 

“Me too.” And then, “Let’s get out of here.” You turn to face him, surprise clear as day. (You suppose that if anything can drive a homebody outside, it’s the end of the world.) “I figure you don’t wanna die in our shitty apartment.” His hold on your arms drops, instead taking his hands in yours. “Let’s go somewhere.”

“Where?”

“Anywhere.”

You scan the apartment one last time. (There really seems to be a lot of lasts today, but you figure it can’t be helped.) This was your home for months, despite the leaky faucet and chipped wallpaper.

Every corner oozes with memories, more than enough to make your heart feel as though it’s fit to burst. Tsukishima’s thumb caresses the back of your hand. That’s right. Your other home, the one you can’t afford to lose now, is right in front of you.

You get dressed.

7:25 PM | 4:35:18

The sun sets on the last day you’ll ever see. You think that you like sunsets a bit more than sunrises; less waking up early (or staying up late), a view that gives you more than enough bang for your buck. You watch the way orange seeps through the sky in reverse, dusk giving way to the dark of night, head resting on Tsukishima’s shoulder.

It’s quiet. You’ve parked somewhere secluded, hidden from prying eyes. With less than four hours before certain death, you get nostalgic for how far you’ve come since your time at Karasuno.

“Thank you,” you say, breaking the silence. “I’m glad you were such a smarmy bastard in high school.” He chuckles, the sound a pleasant rumble that singlehandedly warms you from the inside out.

“I’m glad you liked to think you could top my scores,” he replies.

(It had taken you two years to finally, finally beat his exam scores. Having no reason to talk to Tsukishima after that, you disappeared from each other’s lives. It had taken you a month to piece together the reason you felt so strangely empty without his signature smirk to rile you up.

“You like me,” you’d said, sitting backwards in the desk in front of him as he ate lunch. You didn’t phrase it as a question; why would you, when you knew the answer?

“You got what you wanted already, didn’t you? Why are you still here?” You were a thorn in Tsukishima’s side, as he’d repeated time and time again (both in private and to your face). Even still, he had to admit that the past month without you had been...boring. (He also had to endure Yamaguchi’s endless questions about you, drilling your absence into his head even further.)

“Do you want me to be nice, or do you want me to be honest?”

“Just spit it out. I don’t have all day.”

“Unfortunately,” you’d prefaced this with a long-suffering sigh, “I feel the same way. You might be an emotionally constipated asshole, but what I’m saying is…” Your fingers drummed on his desk, invading his space. “Let’s go on a date.”

Shaking himself from his stunned silence, he’d replied, “Sure.” In the moment, it had sounded nonchalant, but you had a feeling his hands were getting clammy.

Truth be told, you had it on good authority (Yamaguchi, who’d gotten sick and tired of bearing witness to almost three years of you two dancing around your feelings) that he felt the same you did. It was Yamaguchi’s words that gave you the confidence to confront Tsukishima at all.

“I’ll see you on Saturday, then. This better not be boring, Tsukishima,” you teased, snatching his chopsticks to steal a bit of his meal. “After all, you’re with me now. If you’re going to take me out, it better be in style.”

You had the audacity to throw a wink at him before walking back to your classroom. You get an eye roll in response, but take great pleasure in the way he had gone red to the tips of his ears, knowing that you’ve won.)

9:31 PM | 2:29:20

“I love you.”

“I know.” Silence. “I love you too.”

“I know.”

11:59 PM | 0:00:59

It’s bright, like a fallen star, all white-hot and angry. You think it’s beautiful in its own way, gawk at it with your mouth hanging open. “Here it is,” he whispers, squeezing your hand so tight it almost hurts. “The end.”

You cup his cheek, turn his head to look at you. You try to steel yourself. Inhale. Exhale. (Your breath comes out shaky, but neither of you acknowledge it.) “I guess this is goodbye.” You were supposed to sound strong, but your voice comes out small, weak, broken.

And for once, he is the first to cry.

“Not yet.” His voice cracks. “It’s not goodbye yet.” He wipes your tears (when did you start crying?) away, touch so fragile you think he’s sure you’d shatter. Maybe you will.

“It doesn’t have to be goodbye,” you offer. It’s hollow; neither of you have been under the delusion that this was anything but. “It can be a see you later.”

Tsukishima just shakes his head, wearing a broken smile of his own. And then he’s kissing you with such fervor that you swear you’ve never been kissed before, not like this. The way he sucks your bottom lip between his, pulls you flush against him, makes you dizzy. This is my goodbye, he says with more than words. 

11:59 PM | 0:00:01

Your relationship has always required mastery of reading between the lines, peering through the hairline cracks in words and actions for their true meaning.

But now, both of you are straightforward as can be, stripped down to your bare selves. The meteor sets fire to the inhibitions and walls both of you created, and the flames lick at your skin as your tears—or his—dampen your cheeks.

If you’re going to take me out, do it in style, you’d said to him, once.

So he does.

[fallen420]

Rebel Spy - Chapter 8: It’s Just Us Now

Description: Auroras life becomes lonely after the war ends but when a familiar Mandalorain needs her help who is she to refuse.

prologue chapter 1 chapter 2 chapter 3 chapter 4 chapter 5 

chapter 6 chapter 7

We walk into the restaurant to watch Cara beat some guys ass. I hold the kid close to me as he giggles at the fight.

"Pay up mudsuckers!" She turns around and spots us.

"Picked up a new friend Mando?"

"Cara this is Aurora."

I smile, "Hi."

"Wait like commander Aurora? Like the rebel spy?"

I laugh a little, "That's the one."

"I've heard a lot of stories about you. You're badass."

"Thanks," I say as we sit down at the table.

Din catches her up on everything Greef said.

"It seems like a straightforward operation. They're providing the plan and firepower. We're the snare."

"With the kid?" She asks.

"That's why we're coming to you," I say as I shake my leg to keep the kid entertained.

"I don't know. I've been advised to lay low. If they run my chain code I'll be stuck in a cell for the rest of my life."

"I thought you were a veteran," Mando says.

"I've been a lot of things since. Most of them carry a life sentence. If I so much book passage on a ship registered to the New Republic, I'm-"

"We have a ship. I can bring you there and back with a handsome reward. You can live free of worry."

"I'm already free of worry, and I'm not in the mood to play soldier anymore. Especially fighting some local warlord."

"He's not a warlord," I say, "He's imperial." Cara is a rebel we both fought a war to get rid of these people I know she'll be willing to do it again.

"I'm in."

-

Mando and Cara come down from the cockpit. He lets her go through his weapon collection choosing which ones she likes best. I'm refilling our med kit because who knows whats gonna happen. They talk about why are we going back.

"And you're okay with bringing the kid?" She asks.

"No," I say my head still buried in the kit.

"That's why we're bringing you," Din says. The ship starts to shake and I look around for the kid and he's not here. The med kit rolls off the table as we get thrown around the ship.

"You left him up there?!"

I somehow make my way up the ladder only falling once.

The kid has a hold of the joystick.I grab the kid handing him to Din. I sit in the pilots chair pressing a few buttons and then ship goes back to normal.

I look back at Din, "You know the kid has a thing for buttons why leave him up here."

"We need someone to watch that thing," Cara says.

"Aurora's supposed too." There's a hint of playfulness in Din's voice.

"Okay tin can was I or was I not filling your med kit? She's right though we're gonna need some help."

"I think I know somebody."

-

"It hasn't grown much," the Ugnaught says about the kid. We landed on his farm not to long ago. Wish Din would of told me it was an Ugnaught. Ugnaught's worked for the empire.

"I think it might be a strand-cast," Din says.

"No, it's a Jedi," I say, "Like I told you before."

"Aurora-"

"I've seen it before. Have you?"

"I don't think it was engineered," Kuiil says, "I've seen the gene farms. This one is to evolved. Too ugly. This one, on the other hand," he looks at Cara, "Looks like she was farmed in the Cytocaves of Nora."

"This is Cara Dune," Din says, "She was a shock tropper."

"You were a dropper?"

"Did you serve?"

"On the other side, I'm afraid." He sits down along with the rest of us, "But I'm proud to say that I paid out my clan's debt, and now I serve no one but myself."

An IG-11 walks through the door. All three of us stand up taking out our blasters pointing it at him.

He's holding a tray, "Would anyone care for some tea?"

"Huh?" I look at Din confused.

"Please lower your blasters. He will not harm you," Kuiil says.

"That thing is programmed to kill the baby," Mando reminds him.

"Not anymore."

"You reprogrammed it?" I ask.

"I did." The IG unit places the hot tea on the table.

Kuiil tells us the story of how he found the unit and reconstructed it. How he taught it everything from scratch. About how it developed a personality. By the end of the story we put our blasters away trusting Kuiil.

"Is it still a hunter?" Din asks.

"No. But it will protect."

"Tea?" The IG unit asks and I grab it out of its hands taking a drink feeling the warm tea calm my nerves.

-

Din and Kuiil are outside talking leaving Cara, the kid, and it inside Kuiil's hut.

"So," Cara says, "Are you and Mando...?

"What?" I feel my face flush I mean yeah we've shared some moments but we're not together or anything...right? "No. No. We're just partners."

"Sure."

"What do you mean sure?"

"Look I know we can't actually see his face but the way he looks at you its not a friendly look."

"Look even if he was looking at me like that. I'm-I'm sure it's against the code."

"And it's not?"

Before I can respond Din walks back in, "You guys ready to go?"

"Uh yeah."

-

Back on the ship Cara and Din are locked into an intense battle of arm wrestling. The kid and I watch intently.

"My credits are on Cara who you got?" I say to the kid.

"Shut," grunt, "Up," Din says and I can't help but laugh.

"Sounds like you're losing there target practice."

Then Cara stops what she's doing. It looks like he can't breathe. Immediately I turn to see the kid with his hand up and eyes closed. I grab him to stop him from killing her.

"That is not okay!" Cara yells

"He forced chocked her," my mind floods back to the imperial ships. It floods to all the people I watched die due to it.

"Have you seen it before?" Din asks.

I nod my head.

"Where?"

I close my eyes trying to calm the panic that flows through me as I remember, "Imperial ships." my voice comes out quieter than expected, "When I was spying."

"The kid's... evil?"

"No no. I think the kid- he just thought he was protecting you."

-

The kid and I lay in the cot fast asleep. Well, I was asleep until Din wakes me up.

"Hey," he says in a whisper.

I barely open my eyes, "What?"

"Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You looked panicked earlier."

"Oh, that."

"Yeah."

"It's just I saw a lot on those ships and it brings up bad stuff. But I'm fine though Din really."

"Okay," he gets up. I was going to ask him to stay again but then I remember about Cara and Kuiil are here and we won't want too, "Good night cyar'ika."

"Night Din."

-

We land where Greef told us to meet him. He's outside with three other men.

All four of us walk out of the ship on the Mythosaur that Kuiil brought. We are now facing each other with the kid floating in between me and Mando in its new Pod

"Sorry for the remote rendezvous, Mando," Greef says, "But things have gotten complicated since you were last here. It appears that introductions are in order. It seems we've both provided security detail." he points at Cara, "I recommend the shock trooper guards the ship. These lava fields are lousy with Jawas."

"She's coming with me," Din says.

"But the town is now run my ex-Empire. If a Rebel Dropper and a Rebel Commander is with us they'll get their hackles up.

"They're coming."

"Fine. At least cover your tattoo. No need to flaunt it." Greef refers to the tattoo on Caras's arm. "Now, where is the little one?" Din looks at me before touching his vambrace pushing the kid's pod forward. He walks closer to the pod and my hand hovers over my blaster, "So, this little bogwing is what all the fuss was about." He picks up the kid, "What a precious little creature."

"Mando.." I whisper.

"I know."

"I can see why you didn't want to harm a hair on it wrinkled little head." He puts the kid back and Din and I both relax. "Well, I'm glad this matter will be put to rest once and for all." Din closes the pod and brings the kid back to us, "The sun drops fast on Nevarro. We can walk for a spell, camp out at the riverbank, then make our way into town at first light."

-

At camp, its dark except for the flames except for the orange flames. I sit next to Din with the kid on my lap as I feed him the meat they caught earlier. The kid coos and babbles as I feed him.

"I guess the little bugger's a carnivore," Greef says "Never seen anything like it. They were ready to pay a king's ransom for that thing. Must be for some kind of highfalutin menagerie." He chuckles.

"Let's go over the plan again," Din says.

"We both enter the common house. We show the client the bait. We join him at the table. And you kill him."

"Tell me about his reinforcements."

"They're all ex-empire. As soon as they lose their paycheck, poof, they'll all scatter."

"What if they don't?" I ask.

"They will."

"That's not good enough," Din says.

"If, for argument's sake, a few of them don't realize that I'm their best past to alternative employment and they elect to react impulsively, then these three fine Guild Hunters," Greef points to his men, "along with the battle-hardened commander and shock trooper, will cut down anyone who bucks."

"How many will there be?"

"No more then four," Greef stands up now, "He travels with, at most, a Fire Team. Trust me nothing can go wrong." Greef goes to grab a piece of meat but a vulture of some kind grabs it out of his hand with its claw. It seems to scratch him as he cries out in pain. Everyone stands up and starts shooting at it. I make sure to close the kid's pod.

They fly around us. I take my blaster out to help with the shooting. It's chaotic. There's blast everywhere these things are flying like crazy. One of them takes one of Greef's guild members.

One tries to grab Din making him drop to the floor. I start shooting at it trying to get it to let go of him. After a few shots, it does. With his arms free he points the fire from his vambrace at it. It flies away with its tail on fire. The other one follows it.

"You good?" I ask Din.

"Yeah," he says out of breath, "Thanks." We run back to the kid's pod to check on him. When I open it he just coos.

We hear Greef grunting in pain. I go over and kneel by his side.

"They got you good," I say. He has scratch marks on his arm. His arm is red as the poison spreads through his veins, I open the medkit taking out the bacta shot. Bacta shot are powerful Din and I have yet to use them because we haven't had too bad of injuries yet. "Hold still," I give him the shot without hesitation.

"How bad?" Din asks.

"Bad. The poison is spreading. Fast."

"So this-this is how it happens," Greef says as I begin to wrap his arm with the bandage to try and stop the spreading.

"Don't be so dramatic. Uh, I need another med-pack. Do we have anymore?" I look around and nothing.

"I'm guessing that's a no."

"It's still spreading. It's not working."

I look down and notice the kid next to me putting a hand out to touch Greef, "Get this thing outta here," Cara says.

"Wait." I say, "Let him."

He touches Greefs wound and closes his big little eyes.

"He's trying to eat me."

"Shut up." I watch as the wound mostly closes and the poison leaves his body. The kid sits on the ground probably tired then the wound closes all the way.

-

After walking for some time Greef stops, "I guess this is it." Greef turns around and shoots. The three of us pull out our blasters waiting to get hit but instead, the two bounty hunters behind us are dead. "There's something you should now." He walks over to the now-dead bounty hunters kicking the bodies to make sure they're dead, "The plane was to kill you and take the kid."

I knew it.

"But after what happened last night, I couldn't go through with it. Go on. You can gun me down here and now and it wouldn't violate the code. But if you do, this child will never be safe."

"We'll take our chances," Cara says.

"The Imperial client is obsessed with obtaining this asset. You tried to run, but where did it get you? Listen, we both need the client to be eliminated. Let me take the child to him and then you three..."

"No," I say, "You don't go near my kid."

"Let's just kill him and get outta here," Cara says.

Din lowers his blaster, "He's right." I lower mine too.

"What are you doing?"

"If the imp lives he'll send hunter after the child," Din says.

"It's a trap."

"Bring me."

"Bring you?" Greef says.

"Tell him you captured me. Get me close to him and I'll kill him."

"No," I say

"That's a good idea give me your blaster," Greef says and Din hands him his blaster.

"Mando what if he kills you?" I ask with fear in my voice.

"He won't."

"But what if."

"Its the only way."

"I'm coming with you."

"No, no-no. That would make them suspicious," Greef says.

"I don't care. I'm coming."

"Tell them she caught me," Din suggests.

"No, they know you have a girlfriend they know she's the Rebel Commander."

Din doesn't correct him when he says girlfriend so neither do I.

"Fine. Then Cara caught us. We all go in there together," I say,

"Okay," Greef says, "Cara can bring the child."

"No," I say, "Kid goes back to the ship."

"But without the child, none of this works!"

"I have a plan. I'm a commander I always have a plan. Kuiil, ride back to the Razor Crest with the kid and no don't come out no matter what. Once you're inside engage in all ground security protocols. Nothing on this planet will breach those doors."

He hands me the comlink, "I will keep the child safe."

"Let's go." Din hands Greef the cuffs and he cuffs the both of us.

-

We walk up to the entrance of the city. The place if flooded with stormtroopers.

"Chain code?" One asks.

"I have a gift for the boss," Greef says.

"Chain code?" The stormtrooper asks again. Greef hands it to him and he scans it, "I'll give you twenty credits for the helmet."

Greef fakes a laugh, "Not a chance. That's going on my wall."

"Go ahead."

-

"Here we are." Greef opens the door and Din and I go first. Inside there are four stormtroopers and the Imp sits at the table. He stands up when he sees me and Mando, "Look what I brought you. As promised."

"And the commander too. I'm impressed," the imp says. He looks at Din's armor, "What exquisite craftsmanship. It is amazing how beautiful beskar can be forged be its ancestral artisans." He looks at Greef, "Can I offer you a libation to celebrate the closing of our shared narrative?"

"I would be obliged."

Greef pushes me and Din to sit down at a booth. Greef sits next to us and the imp sits across. The tension in the air rises as two more stormtroopers walk in.

"It is a shame that your people suffered so. Just as in this situation, it was all avoidable. Why did Manalore resist our expansion? The empire improves every system it touches." the anger that goes through me is insane. My jaw clenches and I bite my tongue to stop myself from saying something. Din places his cuffed hands over mine has an attempt to calm me down, "Judge by a metric. Safety, prosperity, trade, opportunity, peace. Compare Imperial rule to what is happening now. Look outside. Is the world more peaceful since the revolution?"

Oh yeah, the world is worse off without the sadistic ruler.

"I see nothing but death and chaos."

That the empire caused.

"I would like to see the baby."

"Uh, Its asleep," Greef says putting his hand out.

"We all will be quiet. Open the pram," but before he can a stormtrooper whispers something into the imps ear. He stands up, "Don't think me to be rude. I must take this call." He stands up and walks over to the bar. Din carefully takes off his and mine and his cuffs slowly. Greef carefully hands us our blasters.

We look over to see what the imp is going. There's a blast. The imp gets shot and I don't really see anymore before Din is pushing me to the ground to take cover.

Once the shooting stops, we get up quietly running taking cover behind the walls as we peak out the now shot in window.

Outside are six shadow troopers.

An imperial ship pulls up and even more, stormtroopers come out of it.

"Kuiil are you back to the ship yet?" I ask into the comlink.

"Not yet."

"Get back to the ship and bail. Get the kid out of here. We're pinned down."

Out of nowhere a tie fighter lands behind the troopers. The hatch on top opens and out walks Moff Gideon.

"You have something I want," he says. I lean back against the wall not being able to look at him the memories of those imperial ships too strong.

"Who's this guy?" Cara asks.

I know the answer but I can't say his name.

"You may think you have some idea of what you are in possession of, but you do not."

"Kuiil are you back to the ship yet? They're onto us," I say into the comlink but there's no answer.

"In a few moments, it will be mine."

"Kuiil come in. Do you copy!"

"It means more to me than you will ever know."

"Kuiil are you there!?"

Din takes the comlink out of my hands and keeps asking the same questions. But its no use. It's just us now.

-

[himbo-buckley]

Intimacy, Sex and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics) - Part 2

G’day friends, family and lost travelers! Welcome back to another instance of: I read too much into things!

This is where we really dive into the Character analysis and it’s gonna be a fun ride!!! (well, maybe. For me at least because thanks to 3.16 I am living! That episode validated me so much and now I truly believe I am right)

This is part two of a three part Meta / Character Analysis, and while you probably don’t need to read part 1, I would recommend it, so here is the link:

part 1

Also:

I should preface this by saying this meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics.

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney* voice we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something?

This Meta will so far have three parts (this is part two), one for each season and is organised by episode so you could technically follow along

So here goes nothing, Season 2: (Also called „Why is Ryan naked so much?“)

Episode 2.01:

I’m not gonna talk a lot about this episode, because I feel like it’s been analysed to death already. Important to know is that Buck hasn’t yet given up on Abby coming back (see the shower scene), he is very lonely and there is a lot of homo- erotic tension.

Basically this episode goes like this:

Buck *after meeting Eddie*: nooooo, Dad, I don’t want a brother! He’s better than me! Put him back where he came from!

Eddie *takes one look at Buck*: Ui, you guys lied, he’s an ass - I like it! This is way better! We’re gonna be friends!

And then Buddie decides to something stupid to prove themselves (to each other) and they end up saving the day and bonding.

Also Eddie saying: „You guys hungry?“ after the Ambulance blows up? Iconic! He is such a little shit.

Episode 2.02 / 2.03:

(I’m putting them together because two-parter)

This episodes truly proves how hard they’ve already bonded, despite Buck not even knowing Eddie has a kid yet, especially from Eddie’s point of view: I actually think he started seeing Buck as his partner first. 

I love how he always takes charge, even in his first episode and expects Buck to go along with it - which Buck does (after some initial reluctance), because Buck is good at following orders and trusts Eddie. It might be an army thing, probably is an Eddie likes control thing. What is truly unique about Buddie, is the fact that Eddie defers to Buck’s judgement as needed, something he doesn’t do with anyone else, I think, unless the chain of command tells him to. Just look at how annoyed he is by Ali and her interfering.

That being said it really isn’t all to relevant for this meta, except to say: Interest- ing how fast they trusted each other and became a unit - I guess it’s true what they say: birds of a feather flock together.

Episode 2.04:

Here we get our first real insights into Eddie’s character (aside from that he is a little shit and likes to take charge) as well as some very nice shots of the man’s body, proving my theory that someone in charge really wants to get busy with Ryan Guzman. Which I am not exactly complaining about.

I do think however it’s a very noticable shift from the way they treat the other young, attractive guy in the cast. I talked about this a little in the first part of this Meta, how they went out of their way to hold Buck accountable and make him relatable, but refused to bank on his sex appeal, aside from a few scenes which mostly were about explaining why Abby reached out to him (and uh, we do not need to talk about how creepy that really was, do we?). Eddie though really gets sexualised from the get go. Or maybe that’s just me and I missed something? (Someone with more insight on such topics take the wheel? Because that really isn’t my area of expertice and I don’t wanna say anything false)

A main difference between Buck and Eddie at this point (or in general) is that Buck is always looking for connection. He craves emotional intimacy but it scares him because he cares too much and people keep leaving so he searches out physical intimacy - or he used to. Actually by Season 2 Buck is actively looking to connect emotionally with another person.

Eddie on the other hand isn’t even on the same level as Pilot!Buck, because he avoids both physical and emotional intimacy (except with Buck because, you know, steam engine). The episode implies that it might be caused by Shannon leaving, but the rest of Season 2 and specifically Season 3 show us that it’s an Eddie thing (likely caused by his upbringing if you fast forward to 3.15). And it really makes me want to know how Shannon and Eddie met and how long they had been dating before she got pregnant. Probably not that long tbh.

One thing to notice about the episode is that it parallels Eddie both with Buck (neither wants to date one of those girls, both deflect about their reasons) and with Abby - watch 1.03 and 2.04 back to back, both are about a character taking care of a special needs family member, both have another family member consider them stuck when they themselves do not and both feature Buck trying to help (passively by talking to Abby on the phone vs. actively by having Eddie and Carla meet)

Also as I pointed out in another post the conversation about dating is kind of similar to the car conversation, and I really am clowning now - which is why I will not try and parallel the conversation between Maddie and Buck with the one between Bobby and Buck in 1.09!

I still don’t fully understand the need for that scene (you know which one) aside from being another instance where the boys get sexualised and giving us our first insight into Eddie romantically and also the first time he uses Christopher as a shield (also not the last).

The general take away from the episode is that Eddie is bad at asking for help and Buck is bad at asking for permission which means they fit really well - because Eddie doesn’t have to voice his needs and Buck doesn’t have to feel bad about steamrolling him.

In terms of the overall theme of this meta your main takeaway from this episode should be:

Buck - no longer substituting physical intimacy for emotional intimacy but also not seeking out emotional intimacy, both because he has a connection through Maddie and is building one with Eddie but also because he still considers himself spoken for, though the episode ends with him realicing he might not be (and then he keeps realising, because he is one stubborn mf).

Eddie - avoiding both physical and emotional intimacy and using Christopher to deflect, mainly because he doesn’t have the time for either (but still getting a connection through Buck, thanks to someone just punching right through his boundaries)

Episode 2.05:

no relevance, our boys are barely in it

Episode 2.06:

Well, if you want to write about Buddie crumbs than yeah, definitely important. Also, you can draw a definite parallel between Abby and Taylor, because Buck knew both their voices before he saw their faces and built an emotional connection to those voices. This fits because, well, Buck is afraid of emotional intimacy, but when it’s just a voice it’s easier for him to let himself be vulnerable cause it’s not an actual person.

Plus, considering the thing with Taylor is one sided prior to their meeting, he isn’t actually cheating on Abby. Or so Buck thinks. (Also Taylor doesn’t have a chance to hurt Buck and leave him because you know, she is not aware he exists?)

Also Eddie talks about becoming a firefighter because he missed the camaraderie of the army - aka the emotional connection he had with his squadron (is that the right term?). So technically he did actively try and seek it out - to a point at least. Because, as I will discuss in Part 3, Eddie may consider the 118 his family but his relationship with the other three firefighters in not on the same level than the one he has with Buck.

Episode 2.07:

Let’s all give a warm welcome to Shannon Diaz! I like Shannon, I think she is great (I also think she and Eddie are similar because they both run away from problems which is why they would never work out - unlike another possible relationship mentioned sporadically in this Meta, hint hint ;) ... okay, moving on)

We learn that „not in the picture“ means Eddie is still married, which begs the question how much Eddie has told Carla and the 118 about Shannon up to this point (as little as possible), what they assume about her (probably the worst) and if Eddie ever sets the record straight (I’m assuming yes, because while Eddie doesn’t share - Eddie is also protective of his family and Shannon is his family for better or worse - I really wish they didn’t kill her off and instead played out the divorce storyline because there was so much chance for growth! Although that was probably too similar to Athena and Michael, which is why they didn’t do it. So they fridged her. Damn, and I am still salty about it.)

I really love when she comes to the house, because we learn so much about them as a couple. Like how her eyes grow warm when he opens the door but Eddie’s don’t but then he goes in to hug her (and you can really tell that Ryan Guzman is an athlete in the way that he always acts with his whole body and conveys so much through movement). And the fact that Shannon immediately pushes to meet Christopher (probably because with Eddie you need to push, because he is very stubborn and also in need of control), and her saying she never thought Eddie would be into something so fancy? Yet another insight into Eddie’s character and into his upbringing, which while probably not poor seems to have been fairly modest.

Also love how they fight almost right from the get go, implying that it is their normal (as proven in 3.15). They really never stood a chance!

There is a lot of backstory we get through their fighting, both at the house and at the school, most notably that even in marriage Eddie was never able to fully open up to Shannon - aka be emotionally intimate with her. Which made her feel very alone.

And I don’t wanna defend Shannon and her actions because other people have said it before and this is not what this Meta is about but I can see her point of view. With Eddie and the way he just always needs to be in control and make the decisions she probably thought she had to do something drastic to get him to notice her and her struggles.

Interestingly enough Eddie is emotionally vulnerable with Shannon at the end when he tells her that he understands why she left and that he misses her, but then he immediately kisses her and look, we don’t know what happens next  but we can guess from the latter episodes.

And look, tbh with Eddie it’s a little bit harder to draw the line between physical and emotional intimacy than with Buck because Eddie’s love language is touch and actions, so technically in a way he is always emotionally intimate when he is physically intimate (probably why he didn’t wanna go out with any of the girls in 2.04 - Eddie, different to Buck, can not just separate feelings from sex, while Buck has a hard time reconciling the two)

On Buck’s side of this Meta he finally comes to terms with Abby leaving, which doesn’t have too much relevance for this meta except there are a lot of parallels between Buddie in terms of: how long is too long to wait - because while Eddie pretends to have given up on Shannon, he actually hasn’t, whereas Buck outwardly is still waiting for Abby but on the inside has given up hope - something they both come to terms with in this episode

Episode 2.08:

Fun fact: The german title of this Episode is Lovestorys. Can you guess if there is anything of relevance in it?

Okay, first off for the millionth time, in case you haven’t read part 1 or you aren’t convinced yet or maybe you just forgot: Evan „Buck“ Buckley was never a sex addict. Kay? Good.

Also, remember when I said the show doesn’t sexualise Oliver the way it does Ryan? Yeah, this episode exactly. Buck has sex twice and we see less of his body than of Eddie just getting out of bed. Is it a contract thing? Was Ryan always running around naked on set? Did Oliver refuse to take his shirt off? Is he always cold because he’s vegan? Should I figure out Twitter just to ask the cast these questions?

(Also, remember when I said with Buck it’s mostly Girl on top, yay, it stays true)

In terms of actual relevant story, there’s that woman on the freeway (highway? Idk guys, I’m not from the US) reinforcing that Buck has finally accepted that Abby and him are over and then there’s the Taylor Kenny - story, which is sort of just beating the bush of sexual vs emotional intimacy with Buck trying for the latter and only finding the former (remember the Brunette from the Pilot? Yeah, that’s why I’m reminding you).

What I like is the fact that, after spending so much time calling out Buck 1.0 (and they should, because stealing a fire truck? Twice? Babe, for realsies?), this episode went: look, maybe girls like meaningless sex, too? Although, technically they have been telling us from the the beginning, that those girl were using Buck in the same way he was using them (again with the Brunette) - Buck just never understood that until Taylor.

We also get the soulmate scene with the very sweet couple, once again, rein- forcing how lonely Buck is and how much he is craving love and a connection and stability. That really is what his character boils down to at the end of the day: a lost kid trying to find his place in the world. And now I’m sad.

As for the Ali storyline, oh man, I’d really rather ignore it? Not because I have anything against the character per sey it’s just - we get to see their first meeting and then 5 episodes later their first date and by the end of the season they are in love love except by Season 3 she is gone? And in between she is hardly ever mentioned? So I really don’t know how to comment on their relationship in terms of this meta and what it means for Buck except: I think it was one of those right times right moment kind of things and Buck is sort of transfering a lot of his wishes and needs and feelings onto her, but their relationship has a weak foundation, which is why it ended so fast (except we don’t know how fast it ended because there is a 5 month gap between Season 2 and 3 and the breakup gets mentioned one (1) time. Soooooo...)

And Eddie, well, he was in the episode.

Episode 2.09:

I like this episode a lot and it tells us so much about Hen’s issues, but in terms of this meta: no relevance!

Sidenote: I do always forget they did Hen before they did Chim. Then again this episode in general feels very disconnected because there was no prompting, no connection to the present.

Episode 2.10:

Ah, yes, that one! The gift that keeps on giving in terms of Eddie and this meta (and also Buddie, but I’m trying not to be ship-y around here)

(One tiny sidenote though, I do think we see Eddie roll of off Shannon, and, while I don’t want to reinforce some stereotype about Top and Bottom, because I am not a gay man and therefore not qualified to comment, with Buck it’s generally girl on top? So Buck usually lets his partner set the pace while Eddie prefers to be the one in control? Okay, you know what, let’s just say it fits with their characters and maybe they match and leave it at that?)

(also, again with the Ryan shirtless, I mean, not that I am complaining, it’s just ... yeah, please, someone who knows this stuff come talk to me about it and explain because I don’t know and maybe I am seeing things?)

(sidenote #3 with actual relevance: They did not mention Buck’s girlfriend even once. They never do until the final.)

First of, this episode proofs what I said before: With Eddie there is no separating Sex and feelings. It is interconnected („We are working things out.“).

Also there is a point to be made about Eddie and control. So far we have always seen Eddie be the one in control and make decisions and this is our first real indicator that it actually bothers him, that maybe he wants someone else to tell him what’s right or wrong, too.

I’m gonna fast forward a bit, because we are nearly at the end of Season 3 irl and so far we have seen Eddie ask for help several times but only with two people - Buck and Lena - he actually takes the advice. I don’t want to say too much because it really fits better in Season 3, but wether you ship them or not, it is noticeable that out of everyone Buck is the one Eddie let’s help the most. The one he trusts the most.

(Man, they are both just two lost boys looking for their home, aren’t they? (and now I am sad again.))

There is also the topic of trust brought up, which you know, we hear about a few times from Eddie, and it really is such a big thing for him, isn’t it?

To fast forward again, that is one big difference between Eddie and Buck. Both struggle with self worth and trust but while Buck’s biggest problem is that he doesn’t trust people to like him, if they actually get to know him (or if they even want to get to know him), Eddie just plain old does not trust people? Because Eddie is a pessimist, so he doesn’t even try to connect, while Buckeroo trusts way too much and too easily and he is such an optimist and gives away everything and then he still isn’t enough - and then and only then does he give up hope (which is something we see happen in canon maybe twice? With Abby, maybe with Ali, and with Christopher, but again, Season 3 you guys!)

These two really are the different sides of the same coin, huh?

In relevance to this Meta, Eddie is trying very much this whole episode to be open and vulnerable and he struggles so much because he is very scared. The main issue with Eddie is always (and specifically with Shannon) by making himself vulnerable, he opens Christopher up to getting hurt as well (and vice versa because he can’t let Shannon into his son’s life without letting her into his own life) and this is what we see him struggle with in this episode and also what intensifies his already existing issues with intimacy throughout the show in general, his need to protect his son. 

It should be noted that in the end Eddie puts Christopher’s wishes above his own well-being which is in fact what he will always do because Christopher is the most important person in his life.

As for Buck in this episode, well, after having so much development in his last episode, he really was there more as a sounding board for other characters. However I will mention that, after the show points out the whole thing is none of his business twice, Eddie then turns around and makes the Shannon thing Buck’s business, because well, connected and all that. Trusting and giving up control. Emotional intimacy. Just repeating myself now.

Episode 2.11: No relevance.

Episode 2.12: No relevance.

Episode 2.13: No real relevance.

There is the scene in the hospital between Buck and Eddie that reinforces the peas in a pot thing they got going on and a reverse from the Christmas Episode when Eddie asked Buck about what he should do. Here Eddie acts as the sounding board (even though Buck has already done the thing but then so has Eddie by hiding Shannon).

This is also yet another instance of Buck trying to help another person with no regard for his own safety but I’m with Eddie here: I have sisters as well. I too would do countless stupid things to save them with no regard to my own safety and I’m a girl - I was not raised on the believe that is was my job to protect them from harm like both Buck and Eddie probably were (because gender rolls).

Also Buck thinks it’s his fault that Doug even found Maddie and Eddie explains to him why its bull. To reinforce the whole connection thing, it is very noticeable that these two always give each other exactly what the other needs - with Eddie from the get go always working on building up Buck’s self worth and Buck always lending a hand to Eddie and taking control when needed (remember Carla? That was Buck taking control for Eddie because Eddie didn’t know what to do).

There is also the short scene when Shannon comes to the hospital and it prob- ably did a lot to help rebuild Eddies trust in his wife.

Episode 2.14:

STOP MAKING EVAN BUCKLEY WORRY ABOUT HIS FAMILY 2k21 (because it’s too late for anything before that)

It’s also our first real: Eddie can be a dumbass, too sighting and there is that one scene (you know which one) which in text is not shippy at all, but ended up in every gifset because Oliver is looking at Ryan like he wants to eat him alive.

Aside from that, this episode really isn’t about them and that’s okay.

Episode 2.15: Crime is hard. That is all.

Episode 2.16: No relevance.

Episode 2.17:

First of all, Eddie is not shirtless? At the beach? Damn, what’s wrong, 911? Is it because Gavin was there? Have you used up all your contracted shirtless scenes by now? Did Ryan find out he was the only one running around set half naked?

Also poor Eddie, you know, you’d think getting married your done having those: what are we - conversations and then bam: there it is again. He really can’t catch a break, can he?

Also I know it’s been said before, but I’ll say it again: Eddie Diaz is not in love with Shannon. Maybe he has never been or maybe he just stopped at some point, but right then and there he isn’t in love with her. He does however love her deeply (she is after all the mother of his son) and she is his family which is sort of where the problem in their relationship lies. Because Eddie, who has problems with trust and intimacy, frankly doesn’t care enough about Shannon (and also doesn’t trust her enough) to try and be open and vulnerable with her, which is what he needs to be in order for them to work, a fact that Shannon seems to be aware of and have accepted.

(Because if you have to wait for a sign on what to do in your relationship, yeah, you already know - you’re just not accepting it.)

And this episode is so heartbreaking and I just had to stop myself from ugly crying because Shannon loves Christopher so very much. And I just hate that they killed her off, so in my mind I have already half plotted a fix it fic in which she survives because that was just unnecessary angst.

Though that’s the topic of another post.

In terms of the relationship-story I am similarly floored as I am by the „Help!“ scene because (at least for me) this is the first time I have seen media really address that yes, you can be a good parent and still not be ready for a serious relationship because those two things are very different. Sure, you sometimes see examples of it through subtext but never before has it been so outright stated.

And I like that both Shannon and Eddie ask themselves that question, but come to a different conclusion - or actually they don’t. Like I said above, for Eddie this relationship fits because it’s easy and he doesn’t have to change or better adapt. He can just keep avoiding the hard stuff (being vulnerable) and still have the good stuff (sex). And then Shannon might be pregnant again and look at his speech at the restaurant: He is basically saying our child is awesome, so we should get back together because if we make such awesome children than we can’t be that bad together. And that is so very wrong, which Shannon understands.

The problem is, that Eddie doesn’t fully understand why their marriage hasn’t worked in the first place. If you tie it into 3.15 Eddie Begins, I think for Eddie, the reason why Shannon left him was a little to get back at him for leaving her and a lot about feeling left alone and being unable to cope with raising their child alone, but all of that is gonna be different now because he will be there for her physically and emotionally as he is no longer in the army! So the issue is solved. They should be a family again. Even without a new kid. After all: they love each other.

And look, those are all fair reasons and true but the thing Eddie doesn’t understand about relationships in general and his marriage to Shannon in particular is that she also needs him to be emotionally vulnerable with her. Shannon needs Eddie to let her be there for him, just like he is trying to be there for her. Because relationships are always a two way street.

SO obviously this is where the episode ended. There were no more scenes af- ter that. Nope. Bit weird how it was so short but you do you, 911, you do you!

And well, Buck was there too.

Episode 2.18:

I’m just gonna come out and say it: Ramon and Helena are bad parents. Flying to your daughter-in-law’s funeral only to bad mouth her and then try to take your son’s son away again? Yeah, I do not like your style. I wonder how much of Eddie Begins was already planned at this point or if they built that plot about his family for 3.15 based on this episode. Huh. We might never know. (except Twitter)

Also me thinks Eddie choose LA because of Pepa and Abuela, not because of Shannon. She was probably just a bonus.

As for Buck (and Ali): the actors seem to have had fun doing those scenes? I guess? Other than that it’s a little cringy and very out of nowhere and probably more caused by the show having money left over and deciding to built a new set. ANd damn what a set. I wonder how Buck is supposed to be able to afford that because that apartment has probably about 50-75m2 considering there is a kitchen and a living room as well as a room behind the living room and probably an extra room in the upper floor as well (someone do a floorplan and also tell me why Buck needs so much space and wether they think I could move in with him. My apartment is not this nice and LA isn’t that long a commute).

Point being I don’t know why they brought Ali back in the first place, especially in this episode. She was never mentioned after their first date, so why? Just to give people something to discuss during hiatus?

There was no point to have those two incredibly lovey dovey scenes only to have that scenes about what he wants to do next because all those scenes? Would have worked just fine with, you know, his sister (except a little different because incest). Who actually has the what if you can’t go back to being a firefighter - scene with him. So why have a girlfriend you barely introduced and never used before? I’m not mad, 911, just confused! (Fuck me, I really am getting twitter)

As for the topic of this meta, there really isn’t much too tell. Ali honestly doesn’t figure into things except to create more abandonment issues.

I should point out that this episode reinforced the whole Buddie connection thing - from Eddie holding Buck’s hand the whole while he’s pinned to saying „Almost (back to normal)“ to Buck going to Eddie’s ceremony despite probably still being on somewhat of a bed rest.

Other than that, that’s it for Season 2. Whew!

Before I let ya’ll off the hook, though (look, you’ve read it this far, you can now just bear it a bit longer) I wanna comment real quick:

Compared to Season 1 Buck barely had any character development (mainly because he had so much in Season 1 and sometimes stuff like that needs to settle - real life would be the same way)

Eddie however has nearly no development at all and in fact as of Season 3, not a lot has changed in that regard. His issues just became more obvious. Which is something I actually like a lot, because one: he went through a lot of shit in a fairly short amount of time and two: he is such a stubborn and reserved character, anything else wouldn’t be in character and ultimately feel rushed. Plus, because this is his personality it’s feels like we’re actually getting to know him like you would a person in real life? Piece by piece, no unnecessary exposition. Or maybe that’s just me, I don’t really know anything about storytelling.

I also want to comment on Buddie real quick because it would be dishonest if I didn’t and also it’s just glaring me in the face:

The thing is, while I do not necessarily believe they have any intention of making them romantic (because I have been burned too often and just recently by a show that liked to praise itself for its diversity (so a heartfelt fuck you to Sera Gamble and who ever decided to kill off Quentin Coldwater, because that character mattered so much and you destroyed it)), I do think we are right when we talk about connection and parallels and being each others person and just generally being each others closest relationship. Because they parallel their stories so much and they connect them so often and they did do it from the get go like as early as Episode 4 - which was already written and probably already shot by the time Episode 1 aired. So there. I said it. Buddie is real, wether it’s platonic or romantic, it is real. And that also matters!

(although of course if they went with romantic? That would matter a bit more! Tim Minear, listen to me, you could make TV history! This would be bigger than Supergirl making the sister gay in the second season! Ya’ll would be legends, revered by fans for years to come! Also I’d bake you a cake?)

And there you have it! Season 2! We made it! And only like 2000 words more than Season 1.

Can you believe at this point I have written nearly 10.000 words on these two exceptional characters and their issues? And it’s technically only one issue, like I’m ignoring so much stuff just glaring at me right now!

(also on a side note, this is where I tag @angelcamael , who asked me to do so and @greyhello because she inspired me to write this meta in the first place and while it is now ... no longer about that original topic, I’m still gonna tag her)