#work is a waste of fucking time and even if they pay me for it its infuriating
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how to explain to your parents that you can't move back in with them because every time you're near them a big part of you buries itself and you're not sure how long that part can stay buried before its hidey hole becomes its grave?
...without offending them, of course
#eliot posts#last time i was forced to move back in w them was when the dorms closed for quarantine#and a part of me DID die then#and i think in those first 18 years i spent living with them so many parts of me died before they even had the chance to be born#they keep framing it as a generous offer. i won't have to pay rent AND they'll get me set up working oart time for my dad's friend#AND they'll replace my car with a newer one#but i do NOT fucking trust it#they act nice while i'm not living with them and am able to freely escape#but that niceness goes away once i have nowhere to go#like that's exactly what happened when i was forced back to them during quarantine#and how hard they're pushing this seems realllly sketchy#i told my mother i'd think about it (to get her off my back) and she said ''don't waste time thinking. just agree to it.''#like hellll no. i do NOT trust like that.#even my sister was trying to talk me into it which i don't get because she of all people should understand.#but anyway. i'm applying for jobs and looking at extending my lease. i am NOT going back there.#i just wish i could tell them that without getting yelled at and guilt tripped and talked to like i'm a stupid little baby.
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has anyone noticed the world is getting so much smaller lately
#ive been actively suicidal for many months now and it keeps getting worse#im not safe anywhere im not either working at or paying to be and even then anyone can hurt me at any time and i just have to take it#i don't even want to go anywhere anymore#my cat just died he had some kind of disease or maybe cancer and he was throwing up so much he just gave up on eating#and i kept telling them he was losing a lot of weight but they ignored it until he was skin and bones and dehydrated and jaundiced#and it was too late#and i want to waste away too but im not even strong enough i just keep working like always#the world is just so small now#this isn't like. a suicide note or anything ill keep living for now#but i am fucking desperate#suicide m#animal death#idk what else#im sorry to whiny ventpost but idk what else to do
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Applying for 50 jobs within 12 months and not getting a single offer is almost an accomplishment woah I’m so talented x
#it’s killing me j wasted the last 3 months of my life working full time unpaid (internship)#and I was like. j need to suck up this bc it’ll get me a job#and I’ve applied to 25 jobs since starting this internship and I have not succeeded in getting a job#I just want to kms I’m ngl#my current org has offered me a full time job buy for a salary that’s literally minimum wage#so. that’s pretty fucking crap#I applied to 25 jobs in the last month while working full time . like I am so exhausted#I had an interview yesterday morning literally the morning of my grandmas funeral and just got emailed now that I haven’t gotten the job#yknow? I’m just heartbroken at this point#and I still have 1 week left working this internship and there’s literally no point#I was literally a middle level manager in this current job for no pay even worker across a weekend once#and it’s literally for nothing 🤣🤣🤣#I have a masters degree !! and 4 months of full time work experience and another several years worth of working part time#it’s not like I’m one of those grads who’s never worked a day in their life#and like i know no one can get a job these days. like barely any of my friends have anything#but money is beginning to become a little terrifying. so shelving the corporate applications and time to go back to being a barista again#not that I’m even guaranteed getting a job in that.#just spent a week living with a friend in Boston who IS employed straight out of undergrad for a rly cool nonprofit#literallt living my dream yknow what that rly challenged my ability to just be happy for my friends#I just don’t know how I keep on going like this tbh
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:(
Very bad grade in therapy today
#thought i could make progress this year and yet here i am having done jack shit by now#what has even been the point#i just wanted to do something today that didnt feel awful like try to encourage people to watch a show or play a game#and now im just right back to Why do i bother staying alive? im never going to make any progress#and even if i do I'm going to just be worthless the whole time and waste precious resources others could be using#oh yes just try saying a nice thing to yourself for once! yeah sure that will help when i cant do anything worth a damn#i want to help people but i have no skillsets and no money to further my education and teaching myself gets me right where i already am!#continuing like this is like spitting in the face of anyone who is actually out there pursuing their dreams and thats not fair to them#they put in all that hard work and im over here being a whiny ass bitch bc i want so badly to do better and learn more#but the only thing holding me back is that im a dumbass who cant do anything right and no one will ever think differently#why am i trying to make myself something i can never be? what is goddamn point if its just a waste of everyones time and effort#i just... it feels like the least i can do is just stop taking up space#free up some oxygen for someone who really needs it and shelter for someone who truly deserves it#i shouldnt even have these things and yet i complain about how much gas i have to pay to commute to my jobs#like such an asshole#and i said i so much in these tags bc im such a selfish jerk who coearly doesnt care enough nor has a worthwhile vocabulary to say otherwise#theres just no fucking point to any of this#...#its cold today#might be a good day to do my favorite plan#actually yeah fuck it im gonna go#hope you all stay kind to yourselves and enjoy your 2024#you absolutely deserve it and everything you can get out of it#keep being amazing yall#see you on the flip side or whatever#orbs thought bubbles
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after a rlly bad fight this morning, mom and dad have both agreed to actually pay me for once for doing mom’s whole route for her (which I should’ve been being paid by mom this entire time once I started doing it most of the time) but I don’t expect much. I bet she’s gonna give me like $20 and be like ‘that’s more than enough and that’s all you’re getting period’ and dad, despite him being absolutely loaded with money, will probably only give me $20 too. tbh they BOTH owe me like $100+ a piece. him for babysitting his dog for 8 months and mom for doing her job for her.
#the bosses can’t afford to pay me and I completely understand#and I don’t actually work here so they don’t have to pay me#but they ocassionally give me $20-50 gift cards for general stuff#and they’ve already promised me one for helping mom last week#but I’m getting REALLY tired of doing all this work and further fucking up my foot/back#for free and not being acknowledged for my help#yes her foot’s bad but at this point I rlly think she’s abusing my willingness to help#I should be nice and refuse the money from mom and be like ‘oh u don’t have to do that it’s fine’#but no. I’m gonna get as much money as I can from her bc it’s only fair#for all the free time I’m sacrificing and for her being an overbearing abusive mother#who won’t even let me spend my own money on things I actually want#’oh but you’re not gonna actually use that’ and ‘dolls and plushies are wastes of money’#and she gets mad when I buy makeup but that’s literally something I need for my job (calling drag a job bc it technically is)#and I have to replace a bunch of stuff and upgrade to better quality stuff if I wanna look good and get booked#’well you didn’t earn it yourself so it’s not ACTUALLY your money. it’s mine and your dad’s#so we can control what you buy with it’ you do that yeah#but dad lets me use it on whatever the fuck I could possibly want#anyway fuck off and die in a ditch pls 💕
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work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha
#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF#im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently.#im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries#and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future#IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN#i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and#finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes#and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades#isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade#it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that#dictate every single fucking part of my life#and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb#ra and stats and calculus and cs#haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates#i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table#yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first#god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive#all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is#i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again#haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future#i hope i can still have time for hobbies#why si everyone at school so good at everything#ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent#i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states#my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.#eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo#meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day#how do i become like them#why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence#i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore
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being the only person you know who is struggling is so fucking humiliating.
we’re talking about getting me a job at a gas station. my friends all make $60K plus.
i have to work in a gas station.
#man so glad i almost died to finish my fucking degree#so glad i worked my ass off for five fucking years so i can watch everyone else succeed and i can be a 36 year old gas station employee#again#when all my friends were going off to college#i was working in a fucking gas station#my friends got to be people and i got to be a fucking gas station employee#my friends all get to be treated with respect at work#i get to work in retail#yep going into debt so deeply i’ll probably never be able to pay it off was worth it#all so i can do fucking minimum wage menial labor.#great.#fantastic.#love that for me.#didn’t make me radically suicidal the first time around nah#everyone else gets to succeed#while i only ever get to fail in the shittiest and most humiliating way possible#cool cool cool#i’m going to bite my fucking wrists open all over the first customer who talks to me#i would legitimately rather be dead than have to work in customer service#it’s so fucking degrading. no one thinks you’re a person. no one cares.#minimum wage 36 year old fuck up loser#that’s me#awesome great cool awesome#everyone else gets a normal happy life & i get nothing#because i don’t know#something is missing in me#i am woefully inadequate to the task#hey what’s a good job for stupid idiot fuck up morons who can’t do anything & wasted 5 years & 70 thousand fucking dollars#on a fucking sheet of paper#that doesn’t even list my fucking degree
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that's it. im writing a suicide note on linkedin
#bheart talks#suicide tw#this is a joke but indicative of how much im GOING THROUGH IT#been making an effort not to talk about personal stuff online anymore but FUCK dude#whats the point of meds and therapy if im still broke as shit#these meds wont help me pay the bills man fuck all of this i have to wait 2 weeks#to adjust the doses every time and something happens in thsoe two weeks#that sends me off the rails spiraling with a hundred new problems#i can only see my therapist for one hour once every two weeks and i just#cant say everything and honestly idk what im even supposed to be DOING there#she just says nice things to me and i waste time talking so much and then time runs out#and i walk away with basically nothjng#and i just realized they o ly prescribed me 30 pills of ritalin instead of 60#so now i have to ration these until i can get more#meanwhile i cant get hired anywhere and my job has cut my hours so bad i only got %7#i only got $70 for my paycheck#im not going to fucking make it this month#i have no car insurance no food in the house no gas in the car and no hours to work#i applied for unemployment but it's taking forever to figure out#im hemorrhaged#im doing bad im doing bad im doing bsd#literally bg3 is the only thread im hanging by this is literally the only thing keeping me together#unsure where id be without it. definitely somewhere worse thats for sure.
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oh psa but if you're in an industry that checks IDs and the person in front of you is clearly trans, don't make comments about anything on that ID. for instance saying "OMG your middle name's Danielle? that's my name too!!!" to someone 5 feet tall with a full beard is perhaps not the best choice one could make if one didn't want to put a neon glowing sign above that person's head saying "THIS IS A TRANSGENDER" to everyone they're with
#it is p funny tho going out places with cis / nb-and-always-presented-as-agab friends and always getting singles out abt my#id in Some Way and them always being like ??? wtf that was so weird what was up with that#and i have to be the one to be like 'remember that my id has an f on it' and theyre like :0 ....... >:0!!!!#like fuckin. the time i got id'd at goddamn jack in the box????#she was like 'yeah we have to check it on all orders over $25' which had never happened before and has never happened since because#its fucking jack in the box so every stupid order is over $25#for important context i was driving and bf in passenger seat was paying so id handed her his card and was way less passing than now#so once we left travis was like yo wtf that was so weird why on earth would they id someone at jack in the box?????#and im like well because i look like this and i handed her a credit card with the name travis on it and people making#up reasons to check trans-looking peoples ids to verify if theyre trans or not is unfortunately not an uncommon occurance#and he was completely floored that that was even a possibility#which like mood when i was doing bev steward literally the only thing i was thinking about on those ids was birthdays#course i was working at a theme park so we had ids from all over the country#and world but nonamericans had passports which are much more consistent than state ids#so id get handed someones id and just be like ugh ok where do they hide it on this one i have 50 people in line i dont have time for this#like why would i be wasting time casually perusing their gender marker yknow i have shit to do#so the fact that there are people who will feel the need to know that so bad that theyll do that is just wild to me and presumably him too#(working there was how we met and he ended up being bars lead then full water park sup after i left the job)#but yeah after he had his 'wait people actually do that?' realization he was just like '....well then good thing it was my card so we had to#give her my id so she'll never get to know for sure‚ get fucked' LMAO#ooh or when me and a friend went to trader joes and bought drinks cause i collect cool drink cans and when the cashier was checking#my id i made a joke to ny friend abt my picture looking like bobby hill and the cashier was like 'GASP dont say that about yourself youre#beautiful!!' which i believe i did have the beard by this point so it was a pretty obvious dig#and the picture super does look like bobby hill by the way like ill show yall if anyone's curious but literally no one irl has disagreed#except this one random woman lmao. but we get out and my friends like ????????? that was so weird#why did she say that????? and im like. well it has an f on it remember#and once again the :0 -> >:0 transformation#like it sucks having it happen but there is smth really funny abt watching friends so inclusive something like that never even#occured to them realize that thats a thing people will do and it just happened right in front of them#shoutout to my roommates friend tho who has worked at a sex shop and weed shop and changed my rewards account name for both to chosen name
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.
#fucking stupid how my boss keeps complaining#about work not being done#when we're short staffed#as in#I'm the only employee#shut up and do your own job for a change#and do it more than twice a week#I don't know why i even go to the office anymore#she actively wastes my time#i want to be done with all of this#she can't keep saying we're understaffed and that we need more ppl#amd do nothing about it#because she can't even afford it#i hate it i hate it i hate it#she wants me to do her job#it literally would take an hour every day it's ridiculous#and she keeps telling me how i do everything and then pay me a ridiculous wage#which sure i agreed to it and she gives me my bonus every month to her credit#but it's not enough anymore#it's just not#I'm doing all the work#amd she only does hers twice a week#personal#sorry i keep complaining about the same things
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vent.
#apart from 3 weeks in germany this has been a complete fucking waste of a year#even then i was stuck inside with covid for 2.5 of those 3 weeks#i've seen my only irl friend maybe three or four times this entire year#she only lives 20 mins away from me#nearly all of my family is estranged from us so apart from my immediate fam i've only seen my grandparents and aunt a few times#all i've done is work myself into burnout making wares for my shop and then take too long breaks bc i'm burnt out but feel overwhelmingly#guilty about it#i've only made just enough money to pay my dad rent and other bills and i'm running out#i haven't ridden or even been around any horses this year#that's maybe the worst bit#i miss horses so much#especially myrna#i went to 2 or 3? concerts and a drag show and those were great but they also aren't as great as they used to be#because i'm a shell of a person and i'm so riddled with anxiety i can hardly function at all outside my room#or even inside my room#where i lay here in the dark wasting away#because i'm not built for this world#and i have no friends#and i need love#but i'll never have it again#because i can't leave my room#even though i want to so badly#also my living situation sucks and my dad has intense mood swings sometimes and tells me to move out when i do nothing wrong#it's exhausting#i'm not struggling with severe depression i haven't self harmed this year (apart from punching myself once or twice bc of my dad) but#TW i haven't... yknow the other kind of self harm in like 2 years#and i haven't partaken in any eating disorder behaviours this year and no bulimia in 2 years#and yet#the years just keep getting worse and worse somehow#at least when i was all mentally fucked up i had goals... i had things to do things to focus on ways to keep busy ways to feel something
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Scarlet’s Guide to Rejecting an Unwanted Romantic Advance
Sorry folks, she always chooses (psychological) violence.
Letting this Scarlet AU escape containment was a mistake.
#my art#Regrowth AU#yes she's doing the fucking. condescending wonka meme#i am so sorry to zheng hua for being subjected to this last night#every other Scarlet AU is relatively soft and then there's just. This One#i laughed about it with friends before like#they're all soft rats and then#there's Her. the goddamn NYC pizza rat that'll swipe the food right off your plate#i swear i feel like i need people to sign waivers to interact with her or smth HDJDH#she's so much worse than i even let her be in public. the leash is very tight#she'd be so mean to people if i let her#but in-game nerfs me anyway because i can't describe what she's doing as well#anyway brb chucking her off a cliff (it's fine it's a diving spot)#i get very tempted to make an ask blog for Regrowth sometimes tbh#could be fun lol just depends on if i'd get enough interaction to make it work#pay her 50 gold to roast you (literally and figuratively)#ANYWAY#DISCLAIMER: do not follow Scarlet's advice ever it's always bad#time to set this down and run away because i wasted my life drawing it
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the one thing im really glad about work tho is that im allowed to work kind of a hybrid form of being at the office and being at home where i can be here in the morning and if i have nothing going on and nothing that requires me to use the laptop i can just go home halfway through the day as long as im still reachable by the phone, its really doing good for my mental health
#plus ive been here for like nine months now i know days get quieter after midday#and usually if something comes in its nothing that cant be send out the next day (as sending mass emails on mobile is pain) so like#im more active if i go home in the middle of the day and just keep an eye on the phone while doing chores and shit#here im doing the same except im just knitting socks which isnt exactly as productive#work is a waste of fucking time and even if they pay me for it its infuriating#i know some people would love this. i dont on the long run. some days yeah but if i could be doing more productive things at home instead?#fucking sink this ship i cant wait until my contract is over. even if it means not affording neat shit again but yeah#i just need free time and sleep and a job i actually like hhhhh#anyways rant over im leaving in like twenty minutes lol#night is an absolute mess on main
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I have to keep finding and applying to jobs even though they're all so fucking stupid, and I'm not qualified for any of them, and it's so fucking stupid bc even when I decide to gamble and take a risk, someone or something has to tell me that I won't make it and I'm wasting my time, that my optimism is entirely misplaced, and I'm fucking sick of it
#personal#do you think I don't know?? do you think I don't know that my job options are shit??#that I can only maybe get lucky and work as a server?#you think I know applying for teaching or libraries or publishing is a waste of my time but I'm doing this for giggles?#why the fuck do you think I resisted an english major until it was almost too late to switch#I have to fill out these applications just to try#except I'm not turning them in anymore what's the fucking point#why bother with anything since everything is a fuckign waste of time#even doordash is absolute shit lately but I have to make money somehow so let me do that#you think I wouldn't rather be doing something useful? fun? anything?#bitch if I could write and pay my bills that way I would#but I have to have money to pay the bills for a few months until the writing is done#I fucking hate it here
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FUCK ME
#I’m coming in to help with a thing MOSTLY so I don’t have to waste my time fixing it Friday#and potentially going to jail for killing my coworker. this is a joke I would never. but of all weekends I caNNOT deal with her screwing up#but yeah no I would NOT be happy I would cry#but that also means. I would have gone 9 days at work even though one I’m getting the FUCK outta there as soon as I can.#I offered#out of selfishness#but uh haha#at least I really could use the OT pay#and it’s approved by the store manager so ✌️✨#somebody should give me $20 so I can get takeout tomorrow. I’ll ask mum tbh she’ll say no but it’s worth a try#bc normally my way of coping is Buying Little Treats#but idk if I’m even getting vacation pay when I’m gone yet :( I’ll see if my manager can find out for me#he should be finding out bc the person who knows is here also#unless he forgot#ANYWAY#IM FREAKING OUT A LITTLE#and it’s entirely my fault#but at least I spent yesterday on a stroll by the ocean#and I’m going to drive straight to (food then) ocean tomorrow too
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april 😵💫
#two of my coworkers quit last week but apparently another one was fired on friday after getting into an argument w one of the people who#quit after she was told on wednesday that she wasn’t in trouble and just needed to tone it down a little bc she’s sassy#then we had a team meeting in which our boss’s boss was supposed to come talk to us about some shit and we waited for her for half an hour#before she told us she wasn’t coming….wasting half an hour on THE busiest day of the year#she’s such a dick#then we had supervision which is basically group therapy and everyone was freaking tf out about how shitty our workplace is#🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄#when i left today i wasn’t even at my emails from noon today 🙃🙃🙃#and we can’t get time and a half overtime pay this week bc yesterday was a holiday :))))))))))))#i hate this place#i wfh tomorrow but i might have to go in bc it’s so fucking busy and i work off my laptop at home but i have two monitors at work#AND i called a client today to do a favor for a coworker and the client was being weird on the phone and abruptly was like i have to go now#so i was like okay ill let you go and she was like because im on the potty :)#um#maybe don’t pick up the phone when a social work calls you if you’re on the toilet :)#and then she told me she loved me when i hung up :)#why :)#my shoulders are so tense#pleeeeeeeease 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 let this place fall apart
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