#work again. its all just been so stressful
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Hmm, how about the 781 trio + reader and taking turns with Rishen?
Say its one of Rishen's rare days where he can have/ is forced to take a break for the full day, but oh no! His partners still have various things they need to leave the dorm for!
Obviously, the optimal solution is for his partners to take turns fucking him at home before they have to leave and then return to start the cycle over again, just to make sure he actually takes that break!
-🍂
˖⁺. ﹙ bttm nerdy bf x gn reader ft his other bfs. ﹚ .𖹭 ݁
. . . take a break, cum a little !! 🍒 : preppy nerd ˖ hero ˖ mantis-moth-spider character﹙ verse 781 rishen ft talisen & alessio. ﹚
what's the perfect way to get your busy boyfriend to rest? fuck him all day!
you recall rishen telling you that it was one of his dreams. . . to just be used completely for one day. on his tummy. on his back. just be a pillow princess in bed al day for you and the other two to use and let off some steam!
alas, he is always so busy. when will he ever get the time?
well, it would seem that after a stressful exam week. you, talisen and alessio came to an agreement. force rishen to take three days off for purely relaxing. poor things overwhelms himself a bit too much. no studying, no hero work and certainly no research.
he’d whined the entire time the day prior to the start of his relaxation. but when you looked at him with a small smile and told him what you and the others had planned well - he seemed to shut up right away.
seems as though it got him excited through the night. for it was alessio who got his hands on him first thing in the morning. talisen had classes and you had a few errands to run before your mini break at brunch.
“made a lil’ mess of yourself huh? fuck baby, such a slut.”
alessio was always sooo rough with him. pushing him to his tummy on his strewn bedsheets and having a go at him. jamming his huge cock into rishen’s tight little ass until he’s whimpering sleepily. clinging onto the sheets and whining.
oh but alessio can also be so mean sometimes. seems rishen made a mess in his sleep so what’s the use of letting him cum already?
you’d find your poor rishen all alone. ass full of cum and messily humping into the mattress. you know the culprit. you see his hand marks all over that soft bronze skin.
of course you make it up to him! shrugging your shorts off and turning him on his back. you decide to ride him a little and tend to his throbbing dick. what better way to get him to relax than to squeeze around his cock and grind on him until he’s whining and cumming all over? as he deserves.
“m-miii c-cielo - please - angh - c-can’t - no morrreee hnghnn-”
oh but didn’t he want to cum so bad? you’re only giving him what he wanted. so maybe you overstimmed him in the process. made his pretty maroon eyes fill with tears and his poor dick go limp by the time you finallly pulled off.
you’ll part with him after a smooch to the cheek. as though you haven’t left him a crying mess.
it would take a bit before he got up to make himself some food. coincidentally when talisen got back. and the sight of rishen standing in the kitchen in one of his pretty summer dresses - dripping with alessio’s cum and all creamed because of your antics. . .
he simply had to bend rishen over the counter and have a go at him too. art class had been a bit frustrating! and rishen’s plush thighs seemed like the perfect way to get some frustration out.
“so pretty for me baobei. . .so so pretty. such a good little whore.” he’d whisper so sweetly into his ear while he’s pounding away and making rishen squirt all over the kitchen floor. whining and crying about how he’s just a toy for the three of you.
tal would clean him up. get him to eat and spend a bit o time with him before venturing off for hero work.
and so the day would continue. you’d come back to suck him off while he was trying to catch up on his favourite shows.
alessio would stop on by around lunch to get his pretty boyfriend to ride him a bit when he saw him sitting at his desk to attempt to get some work done.
talisen would come around after a mission to finger him into the sofa while he was trying to nap.
and at last. dinner would roll around. all for of you would have a nice meal before your lovely boyfriend is passed around for dessert. cumming. whining. crying and calling out your names until he’s all sore and fast asleep once more.
what a perfect way to get him to relax.
#﹙ cupcake rush. ﹚: trio 781 𖹭 ݁#monster boyfriend#teratophillia#smut#monster fucker#terato#monster x reader#hybrid x reader#hero x reader#nerd x reader#oc x reader#original character x reader#x reader#reader insert#rishen 781#alessio 781#talisen 781#trio 781#asterism
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So, abandonment, right? I'm trying to put into words why that's such a dominant fear for me (and a pretty common fear for people like me!). I think a lot of it comes down to low self-worth. That if I'm abandoned, then it doesn't mean I lost a friend, it meant I was never deserving of having one in the first place, right? All of the emotions of the relationship sour; any praise I receive must have been a lie. All the vulnerability and sincerity I showed was embarrassing, they must have been laughing at me the whole time. I think its a common reaction to try to self-sabotage, once that way of thinking is ingrained. I'm talking about "I'm breaking up with you for your own good," types of behavior. There's an instinct on meeting someone new to present all of the ugliest parts of yourself, in the worst possible light, isn't there? If they can't handle your shit, then its better to find out early, right?
Except the truth is that that doesn't even work, does it? Because there's this ironclad certainty that they're wrong. Maybe they don't believe you, or don't get it. Or, or maybe there's just some other character trait or facet of your appearance that would turn them off as soon as they see it. And so there's this reservation. This constant waiting for the other shoe to drop. A kind of... "I'm telling you all that I'm not worth your time, so why won't you get it over with and leave me already???"
I don't know how to fix these thought patterns. Sorry. I'm not even sure it's possible to fix. This way of thinking doesn't happen on its on. And if you see yourself in this post, I'm very, very sorry. We'll get better. I promise you. We can. We will.
So, what if you see these behaviors in someone you love? I beg you, please be patient with them. You will have to soothe them time and time again. You will have to reassure them that you love them. And then you'll have to do it again, and again, and again. Please cut them as much slack as you can. Communicate. Let them know that it hurts you to see them act like this, but that you're willing to do it whenever they need. Give them evidence that you love them. Every day. Every time they get stressed, or afraid, or self-destructive. Be there for them. It will pay off. They will learn. Self-soothing is a skill, and it needs to be practiced and reinforced. They may always be a bit afraid of you leaving, but trust can be built, okay?
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been pretty stressed out lately (to be honest, what part of 2024 hasn't been stressful so far?) and i haven't gotten to post or found the motivation to draw much. so sorry about that.
#my art#ocs#lancer oc#ttrpgs#came up with a new guy when i had the time though . his name is Kenneth#he was an ex pilot that was involved in a life changing accident. lost his entire previous life to it and was thrown to the bottom#kenneth chen#im also super sorry if anyone who happens to see this have gotten commission from me w no updates yet. i dont know when my brain will let m#work again. its all just been so stressful#dont know where im going to be in my future at all#but i digress. some art#my ocs#9/30/24
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when your main characters start dating after years of writing so they finally get to be like this
#rare WIP preview from me#this is in like. 10 episodes. lmfao#its been really hard working this far ahead#my editor isnt giving me any feedback and my friends are very busy so it's felt quite lonely#which is fine! for my friends I mean. but its my editors job to give me feedback...#but the webtoon editors are extremely extremely extremely overworked and my series is set to end so I understand its low priority#its not her fault its webtoons fault. however. its still demotivating...#oh well l m a o#I should be much further ahead ngl LMFAO I want like 12 done but I come back in 2 weeks.#we'll see#when I get really stressed out I go full gamer mode#and usually I'll sink like 60 hours (like 5 days) into a game and then I'm good and move on#but this recent game that grabbed me is. its too much actually#bit uncontrollable ngl I think its an ADHD thing I mostly have just quit playing videogames at all#cause its like yeah being stressed cause theres too much work to do is not going to be helped by losing a week and a half to a game...#and yet.#anyways the game is satisfactory#my friend bought it for me and we've been playing together#and our shared file has. 100 hours on it. and we still havent beaten the game#we're close to beating it and it's not like we're rushing or anything#cause its fun to fuck around and zap eachother or whatever#but it's got me doing math. the exact kind of math I love to do. optimization#and its reminding me yeah in another life id have been an engineer#I'm glad I'm an artist but its always weird like yeah this is easily a path I could have gone down#'artists hate math' speak for yourself doing math calms me down! I love math!#I love math and I love business. I'm almost the perfect artist but I hate advertising so. we can't have it all#anyways theyre so fucking cute its sickening. I love them so much. I could cry#WIP#lineart#time and time again
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Pokemon Masters made a really cute halloween Iono outfit so obviously I put Courtney in it
#pokemon masters#magma admin courtney#oras#i have nothing else to tag this as its just courtney. but in ionos halloween outfit#i have some stuff in my inbox i WILL get to answering them all I promise#ive just been ultra exhausted due to work. life is stressful. but we keep on trucking!#and ive at least been having fun drawing :]#its nice to do some regular art inbetween the pixels. i love doing pixel art but sometimes i miss doing my oras sillies#so here. oras sillies#ive been fucking around with my style a lot because i keep being unhappy with what i make when its not pixels#and it has been helpin g :] its just fun to experiment with stuff#part of the reason why im drawing regular a bit more again. havin fun plus playing
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when will someone pick izzy up bridal style and spin him around? hm?
#it Would upset his tummy but i think he deserves a little holding. as a treat#to be cradled. and spun around with joy#(honestly to me i see this only working as bellhands i dont think izzy would let anyone else get away with it- maybe ed but. thin thin ice-#and i see izzy being too stressed about eds knee to get to unbridled laughter. so sam . hes just appeared; for the first time in a long#time. he sees izzy [they have a little reunion (depending on ~circumstances~ that could just be yelling affectionately at each other like#hey i haven't seen u in a year- or if its after faking his death i see sam getting punched. just a little) they get to kiss a bit etc etc]#then sam just. sweeps him up in his arms. izzy yells in shock and demands sam puts him down but sam just. holds him tighter and#spins him around in pure joy. and izzy laughs#(this; more than anything shocks the crew. they thought the rest of it was shocking- sam bellamy likes izzy???? theyre married???#people think positively about this man they all hate???? wtf wtf. izzy punched sam and got away with it?? the prince of pirates?????#but then izzy is laughing. and theyre astounded. they didn't think he was capable of that. maybe they never knew him at all)#djjdhdhdj ive been. thinking about this. A LOT. today so here#have a ramble about izzy (again)#if izzy not for cradling like lover; why small?#nyxtalks#ofmd#israel hands#izzy hands#bellhands#sam bellamy#i think i went off enough in the tags to quantify those fjdjnd
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.
#so ive been in a bad mental state lately#because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts)#that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own#which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them#and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too#i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful#and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing#and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas#and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom#so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset#and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?'#its not good. but i havent acted on anything#AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds#i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again#i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best#im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it#but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard#so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk#btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am#and im full of manic energy#tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room
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guzm.a and me shaking hands about being poor and eligible for welfare 🤝🤝🤝🤝
#i braved the phonecall w the bank yesterday and have sent off the form for them to fill out to supplement my application SIGH#we're making forward progress! very slowly but progress nonetheless#i am just hoping my service request doesn't expire before i finish putting everything together or else. i have to start all over again!#and the bank charges me $16.50 (cad) to get this form filled out -_- fucked up imo LOL#anyways. i've been less active bc i've been busy stressing myself sick over this stuff HFDSJGKL#and also working in the kitchen at the centre :] i've gotten . so much free food from there this week its kinda crazy#like the free lunch that i make but also a bunch of leftovers. yayyyy i dont have to buy so many groceries rn#and i get nutritious meals :] i've been working on slowly getting my nutrition levels sorted out so this is really excellent :D !!!#also obviously guz isn't real and pkmn doesnt have a welfare system but i can look at him and know he would be eligible LMAO#dandy.cmd
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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#not snz#more musings 📝 / mini vent:#not sure why my social battery is so limited 😭 and also so inconsistent#i feel like i can't sustain the amount of... like continued/consistent enthusiasm i see others giving esp in group settings#i just don't know how to engage in that way without burning out#over the past few weeks i've been stuck in like#a strange state where i can't muster the energy to properly respond to even the people i'm most excited to reply to#which is strange??#(and if that is you i am sorry 😭 i love you and i will get back to you)#i think i can't even like manage to get myself into the mindset of enjoying something for myself (eg. a conversation with a friend)#i think a part of it is the stress from work leeching into my personal life#i feel like i've been working so hard and for such long hours but its the kind of work where the progress i've made is very hard to track??#:( i just want to be off of ******* work so i can work on ******* work again#i also want to get ahead enough on everything in my life so that i write y+v D:#i feel like i haven't had a properly restful day in weeks... even over the weekend i was busy attending to others' needs#i just want a break from it all... but i dont have enough time to take off... but i dont know how much more of this i can take#i remember also feeling during uni like i was drowning#like there were simply not enough hours in a day to deliver everything i promised. it's such an awful feeling#i just feel defeated. like i've felt exhausted for weeks and weeks on end and like i spend every waking hour working on something or other#but ofc there is nothing to do but to keep at it 😭 other people can handle all of this and more#there are so many people i refuse to let down
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this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy
#im yapping u can move on if u dont wanna hear my life story#first i get nuked by stomach pains when i go to visit my friends#something that had been ongoing for years but#my best friend convinces me to see a doctor that year#my condition deteriorates no matter what meds they put me on#i finally get a more invasive exam that shows my intestines were inflamed#i get put on fucking steroids that fuck me up physically and emotionally#i go through multiple med school exams after spending months in crippling pain#pain so bad id be bedridden for hours#got 6 weeks of migraines near daily#sometimes multiple in a day#stressed out of my mind by the time my finals came around to the point that i could no longer bring myself to care#bc i was sure id fail no matter how hard i studied#visit my friends again bc somehow its already winter again#am a nervous wreck all the time and retreat into my phone#but also hate myself for not spending what little time i had fully present#constantly worn out and exhausted bc my meds are barely working#and id found out i was allergic to a lot of things so i was cutting a lot of things out of my diet#lmfao it was so bad my weight still hasnt recovered but yeah i come back i start 3rd year#the toll the last year had taken on my mental health finally registers#i become too depressed to study for my hardest module yet#UGH THATS SO CRINGE JUST SIT DOWN AND STUDY??#but nothing was sticking on god#anyway im sure ive failed#and la salud mental no es bien or soemthing idk i havent taken spanish in 3 years#anyway deep sigh i just stay losing#i cant believe im in like four fucking research projects and classes and trying to work on myself this shit sucks balls#and clinical rotations...#lord just strike me down
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dude im being so brave rn
#logbook#cleaning out the fridgeeee lets fucking gooooo. oof.#doing it while the housemates are gone for various reasons but mostly so i can toss out the trash b4 they get back#planning to make my bed. then do plant chores after this.#ive given up on leaving the house this weekend which is fine bc leaving the house really becomes a several hours time.#like living up and out of the city and needing to get to the city on days im off? boo. just let me stay up here.#i got in my old person porch time this morning. played games and experienced the birds at my feet.#the fact that im not hurting so bad today is a win esp since tmrw im back at work and will just be hurting all over again#i'll just plan for errands after work instead and let myself clean the house which has been stressing me out sooo much lol#also i got new sweatpants and they are legit the cosiest ones. they top my other cozy pair. wild.#dude icb its nov. . .so much going on rn im truly distancing myself from all my life shit to clean house. literally.#work has been so shit every fucking day idk if i can do this anymore tbh#anyways no matter. im alive and still existing in case anyone was wondering.#i hope everyone and their plants and creatures are doing ok. mwah.
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In case it's hard to read/understand: "If I had a nickel for every time I had a story with a blonde girl named after a plant, who has a German father and a French mother but absolutely hates said mom, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."
weird, extremely-specific tropes in my stories: pt 1
#oc liveblogging#ughhhhhhh i really CANNOT afford to be procrastinating rn but i know this happens when im extremelyyyyyy fucking stressed.#creative/art related classes always get me for this reason bc ill use 'wait but i need to find inspiration!' as an excuse to procrastinate.#fuckkkkkkkkkk. UGH IM NOT EVEN WRITING SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH ITS JUST A FINAL REVISION BUT IM CONVINCED IT SUCKS#the worst part is hkjhkjGHKJ I HAVE TO PRESENT SOME OF THIS SHIT AT AN. INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CONFERENCE GUYS. GUYSYSSSS#anyways this post is sadly not related to that. nothing im presenting is related to my ocs [un]fortunately lmao#ive just been thinking rotating various oc stories around in my head again ourgghhhh.#and i realized this LMAO. i mean maybe technically not 2 separate stories anymore because im recycling a lot from one for the other?#one of these was already established lowkey and the other was something i made for an assignment for a class like 2 years ago#i actually don't know if petunie will be blonde in her final incarnation?? ive always imagined her as silvery blonde ig but idk#if ill keep that. she doesnt have proper colors like colin but at least colin has his design set more straight somewhat.#and all the recent petunie development is lowkey really fucking funny to think abt. i girlbossed with her character development so#hard that she really replaced lucian as a protagonist HAHAJSDHKGJ. ok well not 100% kamille's story is a shoot-off#of lucian's technically? i guess? it started becoming that and now its solidified as that lowkey bc same town same place time period people#but man if im not careful i might accidentally make kamille/petunie's arc THE default one and lucian's main one the offshoot instead#a lot remains to be seen. but also yeah the other one who's story is mostly getting recycled (myrtille) actually ALSO HAD HER MOM#COME FROM THIS SAME FUCKING PLACE BASICALLY. a few decades later but still bruh given developments for lucian's story too its just like#at this point im noticing a pattern man wtf is wrong w/ women who come from this town specifically lol. 😔🥴#this town in general is just fucking cursed though i think ahkjshkg. i mean that jokingly and literally lolololl i gotta. work on it. but y#I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE WEIRD LITTLE FUCKING TOWNS WHERE BAD SHIT HAPPENS ALWAYS A CONSISTENT TROPE IN MY STORIES /silly#I DONT EVEN COME FROM A WEIRD LITTLE TOWN MY HOMETOWN IS LIKE. AVERAGE NORMALISH NOT SUPER LARGE??? IDFK?????#haaaaaaa fuck i need to finish this by the end of TODAY I S2G!!! SO I CAN MOVE ON TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT I OWE FUCKKKK
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#frank.txt#also shit is FUCKED rn . im so STRESSED#my landlord had a landlord moment so we're moving. also this place is getting unbearable#we live near freedom convoy folks and ive been called all sorts of slurs just trying to walk to 7/11 so . idk#maybe the next place will at least have homophobes that aren't as shouty and angry n shit bc GOD. GOD#that one guy that followed me halfway home just yelling slurs like yeah maybe moving out is a blessing in disguise#also this house haa no insulation which is awful in summer and winter#the next place we're going to is more expensive unfortunately but like. its insulated. doesnt have squirrels in the attic. or asbestos.#so uhm yayyy#its in a very secluded farmland area. tbh maybe thats what i need rn bc my physical and mental health arent super sturdy rn#physically feeling a bit bettr tho! just having bubble baths about it <3#i only post now on my priv twit @dykefiend rn#once things are settled ill go back to posting art .#bc i RLLY want to draw my own stuff soon i just gotta work on commissions wnd then start PACKING#genuinely almost cried last night thinking abt how i'll probably be able to see stars at night again#its the outskirts of the city in a rural area. super rundown broken down house but gorgeous yard. all u can hear is wind ans birds#no sirens or yelling or cars!
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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