#won’t have time to work on the next one for the next couple days cuz I’m taking drivers ed

[writing-forever]

Chapter 9 Playground Picnic

Sorry this took forever, life happened. Such is the curse of the fanfic writer.

First, previous, next

@miss-night

Tw: nothing really

Star got up early the next morning and the first thing they did was make sure the boys were still asleep. They poked their head into their room to find both boys plugged in and powered off. Perfect!

The second thing Star did was rummage around in their closet for the picnic basket they had purchased awhile ago. They found it in the back of their closet, already covered in dust somehow. It looked like it came straight out of a children's movie. It was made of woven wicker on the outside, but had an inner lining to keep food cold. It even came with the stereotypical red and white checkered blanket.

Star carried the basket to the dining room and set it on the table before going to the fridge and grabbing the ingredients for sandwiches. They made a few and put them in the basket along with water (for themself), and napkins. Then they folded the picnic blanket and set it on top of everything else before shoving the whole basket in the fridge to stay cold. It barely fit but Star managed. And just in time too.

Star closed the fridge and jumped when they saw Sun and Moon peeking out from the hallway. They leaned against the fridge in what they hoped was a casual manner. "Hey boys, you're up early."

Moon squinted at them suspiciously. "It's 10:30."

Star glanced at the clock. “So it is.” they rubbed the back of their head. “Must’ve lost track of time.” they had never been good at keeping surprises secret.

Moon peered at them closely. “If you say so.”

Star smiled. They knew Moon knew they were up to something, but he didn't know exactly what they were up to and they wanted to have a big dramatic reveal.

Star ushered the boys over to the table. “So I know this week didn't star exactly as we hoped, but I want to make it better so, I have a surprise for you!”

Moon raised raised a brow and Sun gasped. “A surprise! What is it? What is it!”

Star laughed and got the picnic basket out of the fridge, setting it on the table.

Sun tilted his faceplate. “It’s a gift?”

Star shook their head. “It’s a picnic basket.”

Sun’s eyes widened. “We’re going on a picnic?!” He yelled excitedly.

Star nodded and turned to Moon to see what he thought about it. They had to stifle a laugh when they saw his expression. Moon was staring at the basket with a sort of naive wonder on his face. Understandable he’d always wanted to see the great outdoors. And a picnic was generally quiet and calm. No strange people or bright lights. It was no wonder he was excited.

Slowly Moon turned to Star. “Where are we having the picnic?” He asked.

“I’m taking you to the park.”

Moon smiled. “Neat.”

Star tapped the top of the basket. “When do you guys wanna leave?”

“Right now!” Sun yelled, already scrambling down from his chair.

Star laughed, they really should’ve expected that. They picked up the picnic basket and walked over to the door. “Well are you guys coming or what?” They said, mostly to Moon, Sun was already on his way over. Star unlocked and opened the door, watching as the boys ran outside, racing each other to the car. They both made it at roughly the same time and the immediately started bickering over who’d won.

Sun pulled at Star’s pants as soon as they were in arms reach. “Starlight, will you pretty please with a cherry on top tell my brother that I won fair and square.”

Moon immediately objected. “You did not win, I touched it a millisecond before you did. Right Star?”

Star shrugged. “I dunno guys, it looked like a tie from where I was standing.”

Moon grumbled. “I guess that’s good enough.” He said under his breath.

Star laughed and opened the car door, letting both boys climb inside before heading straight to the park. They got there in less than 15 minutes and Star grabbed the picnic basket before motioning for the boys to follow them.

Star had parked near the side of the park and there just happened to be a mostly empty lot there, save for the trees that were so thick you couldn’t see past them. Star found a little path that they’d been using for most of their life, they led the boys down it and soon enough it opened up into a small clearing.

The clearing was decorated with fairy lights, wind chimes and even a couple sun catchers that caught the sparse light coming through the leaves and dappled the clearing in a rainbow of colors. There was a small fire pit in the middle that still held the charred remains of the last fire that was set there. Which must’ve been months or maybe even a year ago, now that Star thought about it.

Star spread their arms as they stepped into the clearing. “Welcome to the Starlight clearing!” They announced. “And before you ask, no it’s not named after me of purpose. It’s named that way because the park doesn’t have street lamps, meaning there’s less light pollution and so at night you can see more of the stars. It being my name is just a plus.

I used to come camping here with my mom all the time when I was younger, it was technically trespassing at first but we eventually got in contact with the guy who owns this lot and he said we can do what ever we like on it as long as we don’t set it on fire or something. He’s pretty cool like that.”

“Well, we’ll be sure not to set anything on fire then Starlight.” Sun said in jest.

“I’m holding you to that.” Star joked back while grabbing the checkered blanket out of the basket and laying it on the floor.

They sat down beckoning for the boys to join them.

“Your clearing is very pretty.” Moon said as he sat next to Star.

“Thank you.” Star said opening the picnic basket and handing each boy a sandwich. “Mom and I had fun decorating.”

Sun sat himself beside Star opposite Moon. “What did you like to do here?” He asked around a mouthful of food.

Star hummed. “Me and mom used to come camping here all the time. We’d set up a tent and make s’mores and sometimes we’d invite some of my friends and we’d make forts and feed the birds and stuff. It was nice.” Star paused. “Maybe I could bring you guys camping here before you go back to the Plex. What do you think about that? I’m sure I have an old tent somewhere.”

Sun made an excited little sound. “That would be so cool! Can we?”

Star smiled. “I don’t see why not.”

“We could make s’mores! And catch fireflies! The kids at the daycare say it’s really fun to catch fireflies!” Sun said, making little happy stims with his hands.

“We can do whatever you two want.” Star said. They would just be happy to spend more time with the boys, they might not have much left.

Star shook their head, banishing that thought to the back of their mind. They were content for now to sit and enjoy the outdoors and talk about any frivolous topic that came up. So that’s what they did. They talked of the weather, and what movies the boys should watch, and argued about which games were the best. They talked and laughed and when they were all done eating Star gathered up the blanket and put it back in the basket before leading the boys back to the car.

Sun slumped once it came into view. “We’re leaving already?” He whined.

Star shook their head, smiling. “Not quite, we just gotta put the basket away.” They said, opening the trunk and setting the basket inside. “There’s no use in lugging this thing all the way to the playground I’m we’re not using it.”

Sun smiled. “Will there be kids there?” He asked.

Star shrugged. “I hope so. It’s the middle of summer after all.” They closed the trunk and turned to the boys. “Ready?”

“Ready!” Sun echoed.

Moon nodded along, never one to speak more than he had to. Unless he was making fun of someone, then he spoke quite a bit more than he should.

Star led the boys to the nearest playground. There were already a few families there and about seven or so kids all running around laughing. There was even one little girl who looked very familiar, though Star couldn’t quite place where they’d seen her before at the moment.

They waved to the boys as the ran off to play with the kids before taking a seat on one of the benches over looking the park. They watched as the boys introduced themselves to the kids and promptly started a game of tag, which quickly devolved into racing, and then into King of the Hill. The “Hill” being the topmost tower of one of the play structures.

Seeing them here with all the kids, Star could see why they were a daycare attendant. They handled each minor argument and small fall with ease. They made sure each child felt just as included as all the rest and tended to help children who looked confused or were generally weaker than the others. They were in their element.

Soon enough the boys were running back to Star. This time with a small child in tow. The familiar one.

“Look who we found!” Sun said excitedly, gesturing to the little girl. “It’s Shira!”

Star snapped their fingers in realization. “That’s why you looked so familiar!” They smiled. “Hi Shira.” Star gave her their name. “You having fun?”

Shira nodded. “I’m having sooo much fun!” She said, spreading her arms to show just how much fun she was having. “I get to play with robots!”

Star smiled. “Not just any robots.”

Shira nodded again. “I know. These ones are special. They’re my friends!”

Star felt like they were about to melt. That was so cute! “That would make them pretty special wouldn’t it?” They said, reaching out and ruffling Shira’s hair.

Shira nodded and then gasped as she heard the other kids calling out the Red Rover chant. She spun around. “Wait for me guys!” And then she was gone, dragging Sun along behind her.

Moon stayed with Star, watching his brother get dragged away.

Star looked at him questioningly. “You’re not gonna go play?”

Moon shook his head. “Not yet, taking a break. I’m not built for playtime you know.” He smiled.

Star tapped the bench beside themself. “You can sit with me for a bit then.”

Moon took a seat on the bench, leaning against Star slightly.

Star hummed. “How’s Shira? She seems nice.” Star asked wanting to get to know more about this little girl who treated the boys like people.

Moon shrugged. “She’s cool. She is certainly curious though. Asked me about a million questions in about two minutes.

Star laughed. “I can relate to that.”

Moon smirked. “I bet you could. She reminds me a lot of you actually. You both have the same insatiable curiosity. Although you had a bit more tact when it came to asking questions.”

“So you like her then.”

It wasn’t really a question but Moon still nodded. “She’s alright. I don’t know how I feel about her mother though.”

Star followed Moon’s gaze to the other side of the park where Shira’s mother was seated on a bench directly opposite them. She didn’t look so mean as she watched her daughter play. She didn’t even blink when Shira chose Sun to be on her team during the next round of Red Rover.

Star had a feeling she didn’t actually mind robots. She was probably just hesitant about believing they could have thoughts and feelings. It was a mindset Star had encountered many times at the PizzaPlex. Those types of people usually came around after a conversation and a little bit of time to think. And with what Star knew about her husband and child, Star figured she’d come around sooner rather than later.

Both Star and Moon jumped as the whole of Sun’s team called out Moon’s name, effectively forcing him to join the game. Star waved to him as he skittered over to the line of kids in the silliest way possible. Evidently no one was prepared for that and he broke through the line easily, choosing one of the younger kids to follow him to the other team.

Star glanced back up and stifled a jolt as they realized Shira’s mother was walking over to them.

Star’s mind spiraled. Had she noticed them talking about her? Did she not like that fact that they had patted Shira on the head. Was she going to tell Star to keep their robots away from her daughter? Did she not like the they/them pin Star was wearing on their sleeve? They braced theirself for any harsh words that might be thrown their way.

“Those robots?” Shira’s mother started.

Star tensed almost imperceptibly.

“Did you make them?”

Star blinked. “Er- yeah. I did. At least, I made their bodies the AI was already there.”

Shira’s mother nodded. “You did a good job.” She held out her hand. “I’m Lori by the way.”

Star shook Lori’s hand. This was not how they expected this interaction to go at all. “It’s nice to meet you Lori.” They patted the bench. Would you like to sit with me?”

Lori took a seat on the bench. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Lori sighed. “I’m sorry for how we met at the store.” She said. “I’m usually not that stuck up but I was a little frazzled from my daughter going missing.”

Star nodded. “It’s ok, I’d be pretty frazzled too if one of the boys went missing.”

Lori hummed. “Are they like your children then?”

Star shook their head quickly. “No, they’re more like my friends? Er-caretakers? It’s complicated. They’re actually not mine, they technically belong to the Plex.”

Star saw a hint of surprise on Lori’s face. “They’re from the Plex?”

Star nodded. “They’re the Daycare Attendant.”

Lori smiled. “Shira will be happy when she finds out she’s been playing with Fazbear animatronics. She’s always wanted to go to that place. We were gonna take her for her birthday soon. Her curious little brain is gonna be so happy.”

Star hummed. “When’s her birthday? Maybe I can set up a little surprise for her?”

Lori shook her head. “You don’t have to do anything. You barely know us.”

Star smiled. “Maybe not, but I want to. Besides, it wouldn’t take much more than asking the band to keep an eye out for her. That way she’s guarantied to meet them all.”

“Well then, thank you.” Lori said. “I’m sure Shira will appreciate it. Her birthday is 23 days by the way.”

Star mentally jotted that number down. “It’s no problem, she seems like a good kid.”

Lori nodded and they both fell into silence. The kids had started playing a different game now. Blind man’s bluff, Star thought it was called. They watched the kids play for a bit. All the while the evening turned into sunset. Eventually it was time to leave. Lori called Shira over, smiling as she dragged Sun and moon over as well. Star noticed that Moon kept his distance from Lori, and Sun leaned away from her slightly.

“It’s time to go baby.” Lori said, wiping a smudge from Shira’s forehead with her thumb. “Did you have fun with your new uh- friends?”

Shira nodded. “They’re super cool!”

Lori looked to Star. Well then maybe we could see them again sometime?”

Star gave her a smile.

“But for now it’s time to go home.” Lori continued, standing back up.

Shira pouted, but compiled. “Ok.” She turned to Sun and Moon, giving each of them a hug. “See you soon! Goodbye Star!” She grabbed her mom’s hand, talking excitedly as they walked away.

Star turned to the boys. ”We should probably get going soon as well. It’s getting pretty dark.”

Both boys nodded. “Can we say bye to the kids first?” Sun asked.

Star nodded. “Yeah, sure.” Before they had even finished talking both boys were gone. Star shook their head fondly as they watched them say their farewells. Each goodbye was accompanied by a request for the child to ask their parents about the SuperStar Daycare. Star laughed. They were almost like walking advertisements. There weren’t many kids left, most of them having gone home earlier, so the boys were back at Star’s side in only a few minutes.

They all walked back to the car and Star turned it on pulling on to the road and going home.

[gatorbites-imagines]

Male Reader spanking zoro after he put himself in danger? But zoro is still defending himself so reader becomes actually angry at zoro for not thinking about himself (or reader and how reader would live without him) and leaves zoro in the middle of the punishment before he says something he regrets and avoids zoro the next few days until the crew is like "this can't go on" and traps them together for an entire day in a room. They both break easily and end up cuddling for the most part (after some creampies)

Roronoa Zoro x male reader

headcanons

I love Zoro so much, its not even funny anymore.

Punishing Zoro was a chore in an of itself, since hes such a tough guy used to most types of pain. This also leads to him being very into painplay, so most usual methods of punishments don’t work on him.

It would take a lot of spanking to get Zoro to buckle, which is why he easily talks back when you do end up spanking him as punishment. Normally you would do something more advanced, mixing it with something else, but this time you are so worked up about almost losing him that you don’t have the energy.

Even as you scold him and tell him what a dumb idea it was to jump into danger like that, Zoro stats resolute in his decision, just squaring his shoulders and stabilizing his stance, letting you take your hand or paddle or whatever you’re using on him.

It ends up having the opposite effect of what you’re going for, since Zoro is probably still running on adrenaline from the fight you just got back from. Instead of making him cry and apologize, it has him shuddering and moaning, eye clenching shut as he tries to push his hips back at you.

But even then, he still defends what he did, even when you say you could have lost him, since its his duty as the strawhats swordsman and first mate.

It makes you so angry and makes your heart hurt so much you know you just need to step back before you say or do something you’ll regret, so you just lift your hands, step back, and leave with an angry exhale.

After being left wanting and shuddering like that, Zoro probably starts to feel kinda petty and wronged too, cuz he doesn’t see why you are so worked up about what he did.

So, you two start avoiding each other, and the ship gets super tense for literally everyone, especially since neither you or Zoro will tell the rest of the crew what is up. They all just know you two probably had a fight, and a bad one at that with how you guys are acting.

It starts to take a toll on the rest of the crew when you guys’ won’t even be in the same room together, or even talk to each other. They know it’s especially bad when you guys stop sleeping in the room Franky built specifically for you two, when you became a couple.

The next time the crew needs to restock, its probably Luffy that ends up trapping you guys in your room together, as he doesn’t want his crew to fight, and cuz literally everyone has been walking on eggshells.

This results in you and Zoro being trapped inside your room the entire day as the crew it away getting supplies and whatever they do on new islands.

Theres a lot of tense silence as you both sit on either side of the room, not even looking at each other for a while. I’m not even sure who cracks first and starts talking, if you are just as stubborn as Zoro.

But one of you starts opening up about it, and you end up explaining how much it hurts that Zoro cares so little for his own safety, and that he would just leave you behind so easily. Zoro, whos never really thought about it that deeply, feels his heart break that you thought he didn’t love you enough to want to stay.

Cue Zoro saying some super heartfelt thing about how you mean so much to him, and one of the reasons he tries to hard to keep the crew safe is cuz he loves you so much. He isn’t the best with words, but he gets it out in a way that has your heart warming up.

It ends up with you guys actually talking about your emotions, and with you two tumbling into bed together, kissing like you haven’t seen each other in months. Its surprisingly soft from both of you, kissing and touching and being so loving.

The breath is completely knocked out of you when Zoro starts riding you, because how couldn’t it, having all 198 lb. of muscular swordman bouncing up and down on your cock, his callused hands gripping at your shoulders or chest.

Zoro takes riding you as serious as any of his other exercise, his eye serious and face flushed as he uses just his thighs to lift and lower himself, not even letting you help in thrusting up into him. You just end up holding his hips and groping his torso, going along with the ride.

You guys are probably lucky that the entire crew is off the ship, or else they’d hear how loud Zoro moans when you hit his prostate and take his pecs into your mouth at the same time. You’ll probably end up with a headache from how hard he pulls your hair though, he loses track of his strength sometimes when riding you.

You get exhausted much longer before Zoro does, overstimulation sending electricity through your entire body as Zoro keeps riding you, even when your first load is squelching right out of him around your shaft.

Hes a beast, but he’s your beast, and if being sucked dry like a juice box is what it takes, you’ll happily do it. It just ends up with you feel extra dehydrated and shaky legged. This is why you normally wring him out in the beginning, so you can keep up with his insane stamina.

After Zoro has had his fill and painted your torso white with his own spend, he flops down beside you and buries his face into your neck, just inhaling you and needing you close.

You would end up clinging to him too, mumbling something about how you don’t wanna lose him, to which Zoro replies that you wont if he has anything to say about it.

Cue lots of softer and loving kisses and caresses, sweet words mumbled just between lovers, before you guys fall asleep. Zoro most likely ends up asleep first, for once completely asleep instead of the type of half naps he normally takes.

When the crew returns later, some of them will be able to guess immediately what you guys were up too, especially if your knees are still feeling weak from how much Zoro drained you.

But you guys are talking and back to acting like you normally do, so that’s all that matters. I could see Nami teasing you guys about it though, whilst Robin just laughs a little to herself because its entertaining.

[lizziee-black]

Ok so hear me out

The song someone new by Hozier reminds me of Mike Ross from suits

Here are my reasons why

‘Don't take this the wrong way. You knew who I was with every step that I ran to you’

Harvey knows Mike inside and outside and knows how he would react to everything. Mike always wants to tell him everything but he doesn’t always, as he wants Harvey to see him as competent (which let’s be honest he does) or Mike thinks that Harvey won’t want to hear about everything in his life (like Harvey wouldn’t listen to Mike talk for hours the guy is in looove)

‘Would things be easier if there was a right way?Honey, there is no right way’

Him just trying to do the right thing the best he can and it backfiring on him.

Like that time Jessica threatened Mike and he did tell Harvey, then Harvey was mad about.

The guilt about the fact that he doesn’t have a degree and knowing if he is discovered all the people he helped and cases he did will be reviewed, but still wanting to continue because he loved his job his dream job since his parents died.That time he prioritized work over visiting his grammy then she died the next day.

‘so I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new’

Just mike caring so much about pro bono cases and being so invested in every case and empathize with his clients and encouraging them to settle from more money when he thinks the other party has done them wrong.

‘There's an art to life's distractions. To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through’

Mike drinking in bars with Trevor, smoking and going to trivia nights, just him being a bike messenger and scraping through and knowing he is smarter than most of the lawyers at the law firm/clinic he delivered packages to and knowing he wasted his potential but just distracting himself from all that.

‘The dark caress of someone else’

Personally I associate this part with Harvey but I am a marvey shipper soo.

‘I guess any thrill will do’

Like his smoking weed, that one time he tried to sell it ( I know it was to get money for his grammy but you can’t convince me it wasn’t also just a little bit for the trill) , selling test scores, agreeing to be an associate at a law firm without a degree, all the semi-legal stuff he and Harvey did, plus like the trill I am sure he got that like yea I can pull off all those things cuz I am smarter than you (cause mike is cocky).

‘I wake at the first cringe of morning And my heart's already sinned’

Him waking up knowing he is going to the job he loves that he is doing illegally but he can help it or stop himself because he needs the money and also because it has been his dream job since his parents died and him also know him doing his dream job is putting people he loves at risk Harvey, Donna, Rachel even Louis and Jessica basically anyone who knows his secret.

‘How pure how sweet a love, Aretha, that you would pray for him’

Donna and Harvey call him puppy I think he is pure and sweet at heart.

‘I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day Love with every stranger, the stranger the better’

Every day he gets to work on a case he pours his heart into it and I think when you care and pour you heart into something you love it even if it’s just a little.

I know Hozier didn’t mean the song that way but I think the song applies to Mike if you think about the way I have

I have only seen the first couple of seasons of suits if you can tell

[cxhleel108]

LITG S8 Thots for this week: Oh- ok!

• Time for another volume of listening to the bombshell drone on about how much they’re in love with me and no one else in the villa🙂

• Helppp not Chuckles!

• Luna telling me to just not graft on Tyler because I don’t wanna lose Oakley. Like that’s ever worked in the game up until now.

• They revealing this like I’m ‘posed to give a fuck? Like…yeah he’s fine as hell that’s why I chose him.

• I’m sorry to all Hungarian people reading right now but this sounds so strange.

• Ok Tyler is really cute I’ll give him that, but do I put him above my baby daddy Oakley? Nahhhhh fam.

• Why would he say this😭😭😭???

• Girlllll anyways.

• I didn’t even expose her. I’m only about vibes and fun this season! (This is so gonna change by the end of the season btw)

• Omg you mean to tell me that for once the bombshell won’t get to steal me from my happy couple when they first enter the villa???!!! Everybody get up!

• Yes, please gather him Theo cuz I don’t know who the fuck this is, but it sure ain’t Jin.

• I don’t remember who said it, but somebody said Jin was most likely a Gemini and honestly all this aggy shit makes sense then cuz them hoes love to have like 20 different personalities. Yes, I know my MC is a Gemini but she’s different!

• Luna all of sudden wanting my man??? Y’all been here a good amount of days but as soon as I get with him that’s when you want to pursue like girl make it make seeeeense. No wonder her ass was trying it with me the other night she just mad I’m on his dick and she not🙄

• Ugh this is bae for realllll like y’all don’t get it! He’s picking me up with ONE ARM!!!

• The mocktail date ahhhhh we so goals fr😛

• Fusebox I’m glad y’all stepping y’all game up by giving us different activities, finally!

• I’m honestly shocked we getting this tea so early on. I was almost certain they was finna milk their whole “power couple” shtick for much longer than this.

• Luna you not that bitch or nothing but you ate that one thing! Like Sophie girl please😭😭😭

• Soooo this ho gon do all that bullshit this entire volume just to pick Jin again…lord help them.

• Tyler was here for all of 3 minutes I’m crying.

• They really be adding people to the plot just to add them like who the fuck are Christy and Brad? Haven’t they only been here for like 2 weeks my god😭

• I will never get over his underwear sprite I’m so sorry but also not sorry😩

• If they just about to reveal everything Tyler told me literally like 5 seconds ago they can keep it cuz I really don’t give a flying fuck about this “Rachel’s Kiss” drama anymore. Let’s wrap this up by next week!

[aquaquadrant]

Hi there. I’m going insane and it’s your fault. Like I discovered your absolute emotional masterpiece of a fanfic the other day and it’s all I think about anymore I’m so obsessed; I downloaded tumblr bc of you and I don’t really know how this site works but I do know how to click the ask button so that’s your problem now. I got words for you

First off: HOLy the writing and the voices are so good??? Like the characters say things the way their irl counterparts would say it? How?? Teach me your ways? Actually tho what did you do to learn to do that, is it innate, do you practice?

Second: “He wouldn’t have known the sight of Tango’s pale skin flushing bright red all the way down his chest.” That sentence just kinda stuck out to me from the last chapter… for some reason... anyways (idk what my point is here but it sure has got me thinking thoughts :P )

Third: I said I was obsessed, and I think it was an understatement. I didn’t study for my chem final because of this (still got an A tho so dw) and I went to bed for three days straight thinking about it and I woke up every morning thinking about it. (It took a solid hour to snap myself out of it when I actually needed to get work done lol) And on the plane ride home for break I drew some things so I’ll just leave these here if you don’t mind (umm ignore the tango faces on the first page and his left hand on the second, there's something Wrong™ about them I gotta practice, ok?)

idk if the formatting is good or whatever but here they are

As you can see I love love love the scene after the nightmare. If I remember correctly, Tango started wearing the gloves to protect his claws so they could heal after he escaped, and then when Jimmy gets hurt he just instinctively gives them to him?? Hello, the symbolism??? Tango just surrenders his own protection, both physically, because he would rather protect Jimmy, but also emotionally bc it immediately reveals what he considers a flaw in himself, monstrous, hideous. And Jimmy sees him throw the walls up again, “He quickly shoves the gloves at Jimmy, moving to get up. “I’ll uh, I’ll get another pair tomorrow-”” but Jimmy won’t let him, instead looks at what could be considered Tango’s entire soul —his trauma, his Hels origin, the feral, blaze side of him, the side that lies and hides and lashes out at any who get too close, the “ugliest” parts of him —and loves him despite it? Even sees the beauty in him? Yea, no, I’m normal about that—

Anyways idk how long these things are supposed to be but I have a couple more thoughts so you’re still stuck with me. Ummm let’s see… I adore your impulse design. So I’m taking that, thanks. (If that’s ok) also was thinking about how Jimmy would wear shirts with the wings getting in the way (see bottom of 2nd pic), and then thought maybe that’s why he’s so good at embroidery or sewing in general, cuz he has to make custom clothes. And then I thought what if he made some *cough* outfits and had Tango judge them… or asked for help putting on/taking off a particularly difficult shirt... haven’t had time to draw that yet but ya know… one day. Aaaaand the blaze rods could theoretically make a pretty cool fire crown when Tango's angry, also blazes do damage when you touch them, but I don't think you get set on fire? So it must be the blaze rods themselves doing damage, so I imagine when Tango's fighting they swirl around him both to attack whoever gets too close and to block any incoming projectiles (see middle left of 1st pic). +gradients on the blaze rods :]

Last thing, I showed my sister the fic last night and she’s already read through it twice so you’ve infected two of us. We were theorizing on what’ll happen next chapter. We both think that the others will piece together, to some extent, Tango’s backstory before they figure out how to remove the collar, what with the cuffs he wears, the comments Atlas made about a farm, Atlas’s mentioning about using Jimmy that way for his feathers, etc etc. and the comment that Tango can hear everything? Yea, no, when that collar comes off he’s gonna be distraught, I’m wagering that everything immediately bursts into flames around him or something (cuz that’d be cool). I think he'll probably try to run away, too, but we'll see

Anyways, that’s not all my thoughts but this is getting pretty long, so maybe I’ll send another ask later if that’s alright. Have a good day! Post again soon! Please. Please I'm begging you. For my sanity plea-

(actually tho take ur time. quality is worth it, and this is nothing but quality)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg welcome. this was genuinely SUCH a lovely ask to read, but i wanna take the time to properly answer it so i’m gonna continue under the cut cause boy can i ramble

first off: HELLO, you got a tumblr bc of HTP?? incredible. i’m honored that this gay angsty little block man au was your introduction to the hellsite (affectionate). and don’t worry, i welcome asks no matter the length (tho i might not get to everything in a timely manner)

second of all: i’m SO happy you enjoyed my character voices. that’s definitely something that’s taken a bit of practice, especially for more understated characters that don’t have super obvious or unique vocal traits/vernaculars. i find it helpful to a) have spent a decent amount of time watching the source material and b) always go over my dialogue with the character’s voice in my mind, and see if it sounds like something they’d actually say. ofc, sometimes liberties can be taken based on the plot/setting of a fic but generally i spend a lot of time and effort on getting character voices right, so i appreciate the appreciation <3

thirdly: i like that particular sentence too ;0

fourth: THAT ART THO??? oh man. impulse looks amazing (i’ve always loved demon!impulse and gotta credit @lunarcrown for bringing that vision to life 💃) and the wings are SO well done, like you conveyed that leathery thin bat skin texture perfectly. the various tangos are SICK, i luuuuv seeing him in full blaze rage mode, using those blaze rods to their full effect. and those hands… goddamn. not only do i respect the hand anatomy but the ROSES… the shackles and their metallic texture… the gradient on tango’s claws… chef’s kiss 💋👌 and THANK YOUUU the post-nightmare scene was one of my favorites from that chapter, and you’ve summed it up beautifully.

moving on: as with all of lunar’s designs, she’s happy to inspire so BEHOLD, DEMON IMPULSE UPON YE (that’s a yes from both of us LOL) i love ur idea about jimmy making custom shirts to work around his wings, that’s one of those little details i never put much thought into but it fits so nicely with him being into embroidery. so jimmy def makes a lot of his own clothes (and occasionally some for tango), co-signed and approved. and ur on the right track about tango’s blaze rods- most of his defensive fire comes directly from them, doing that crazy swirly fireball thing that actual blaze do, but he does also have the ability to produce fire from his hands, he just doesn’t do it often. it takes a bit more concentration and practice, and he spent so long trying not to use his abilities that it doesn’t come second nature to him anymore. he was way more of a fire starter as a kid in hels.

last but not least: AWW it’s so sweet u got ur sister into the au (lord knows i’ve dragged mine into many a fandom 😂) glad y’all enjoyed it so much, AND now u have someone to theorize with 👀 i won’t say anything more on the matter other than i hope to get the next chapter out over the next couple weeks, so stay tuned…

[onthewaytosomewhere]

wait?! it's wednesday!?!

well - i guess it has been all day - i'm certain i knew this y'all 🤷‍♀️

so i've got a few tags today (i luv tags) so @england-would-fall @suseagull04 @magicandarchery @agame-writes @taste-thewaste @sunnysideprince @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @heybuddy-drabbles @firenati0n thanks ever so much for the tags (it reminded me it was wednesday and got me wanting to write some more tonight - yay!!) ❤️ i will be perusing these all soon-ish to be unhinged as per normal at your amazing words - once the holy crud is this day over yet portion of the day is finally done ❤️

so today's bit of words is from my hockey!alex and bookshop!henry cuz i got a chance to work on that some more in the last week - amongst the new smaller one i'm also working on to hopefully post next week or so - we'll see lol

“Oh, that’s a load of bollocks, you know as well as I do, you can restock those books later. Now is when you will tell Auntie Pezza why you’re ignoring me. You should know you can’t get away with that by now. On our sacred pub trivia day, no less, what have I ever done to you to deserve such treatment?” Pez’s hand goes to his heart like an overly dramatic southern belle about to faint.

Henry rolls his eyes at Pez’s dramatics, “If you know I’m ignoring you, that’s great. You can skedaddle back where you came from so I can continue getting my work done; I’m sure you have some of your own.” “I do. I’m meeting Liam at the Shelter in a couple of hours, but until then, you have me here.” Pez kneels down and picks up one of the books off the pile Henry has on the floor before continuing, “Haz, tell me what’s going on. What knots are you working that pretty mind of yours into? Is this about the enchanting Alexander?” Henry scoffs, “Enchanting? Are we talking about the same person? Because I don’t see how you would get that.” Pez smiles, reminding Henry that he is talking to the person who knows him best in the world. “I heard you were quite enchanted for at least part of the time he was here. I won’t ask again what happened because I know you are, as my dear Liam says, ‘dug in like a tick,’ and it would be useless right now. Remember, though, when you are ready to talk about it, I’m here.” Pez stands up and holds his hand out to help Henry up, and he takes the hand, the olive branch his best friend is extending. Acknowledging the silent agreement that, as always, he will confide in him when he gets his thoughts untangled enough to communicate them. As they walk over to the counter where Pez left the food by the register, he asks, “So why is Liam meeting you at the shelter? Are you skipping out for the afternoon? If so, please don’t tell me the no doubt dirty details of whatever you have planned.” Pez laughs, and the fond roll of his eyes he directs at Henry tells him he is forgiven for going radio silent for the last day. “You know I don’t kiss and tell, at least not sober,” Pez sends Henry a grin that reminds him of some of those times he has done just that. “But, no, Liam is coming to discuss some of the upcoming events we’re arranging with the team, him and Alex.” “Oh.” Henry tries to keep the contempt out of his voice, but based on the look Pez gives him, he’s unsuccessful.

❤️so now the fun part (and if you've already done this and i missed it (cuz not really had a chance to look yet) well 'hey!') no-pressure tags to @adreamareads @anincompletelist @bitbybitwrites @dragonflylady77 @duchessdepolignaca03 @firstsprinces @forever-fixating @inexplicablymine @junebugclaremontdiaz @kiwiana-writes (i'm totally blaming ya for the pez/liam that now wants to pop into all my fics lol - but i do kinda luv it lol) @priincebutt @sophie1973 @stellarm @typicalopposite

[sooniessoulmate]

𝙳𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚈𝚘𝚞 - 𝚌𝚑.𝟷𝟺 - 𝙷𝚊𝚎𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜

𝚌𝚑.𝟷𝟹 | 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 | 𝚌𝚑.𝟷𝟻

𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟺 : 𝚠𝚊𝚒𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎

“I can’t believe it's time for exams already,” YangYang complains, leaning his head against a bookshelf. “Although, I feel like I’ve studied enough already.”

Doyoung glances up from the book he is reading, “that’s because you’re normally always asleep for the studying part.”

“Why wouldn’t you wake him up,” Hendery asks, walking over to join them.

“Cuz’ I’m usually napping next to him,” Doyoung laughs.

Kun turns around, placing his back to you, “you idiots, I told you guys to find some books, not make jokes. You won’t be joking around when you don’t have any more time to study.”

“Come on, let’s go over there,” YangYang says, walking towards the opposite side of the library while Hendery and Doyoung follow him.

Kun closes his book and places it back on the shelf, following them, leaving you behind alone. You continue to glance at the shelf, trying to decide what book you need when Donghyuck sneaks up behind you.

“Ahem,” he clears his throat in order to get your attention. 

You turn to look at him, unamused bringing a smile to his pretty face. “So do you have a study buddy for the exams?” he asks.

“I do,” you nod, “and a lot of them.”

“What about more than a buddy?” he winks.

“Isn’t that what Yeji is for?” you ask, not being able to refrain from bringing her up again.

“Well,” Donghyuck looks down at his feet. “Yeji usually studies at her friends’ dorm during the exams and I study with Jisung. But I’m pretty sure this year, Jisung will be with at his lover’s dorm…Soooo, I want to be like him.”

You look around to make sure no one was around before asking, “and who’s your lover?”

He closes his eyes to take a deep breath while moving a little closer to you. “Please, Y/N,” he begs with a giant smile on his face. “Let me study in your dorm, with you.”

He places the index finger of each hand on his cheek, pressing the tip into his dimples, attempting to look extra adorable.

“Do you really think that’s going to work on me?” you scoff.

Donghyuck smiles even wider, cocking his head in a cutesy way.

Donghyuck and you hide in your dorm for the next few days, studying together. You enjoye the time alone with him. Although, it only seems to make your feelings grow. The more time you spend together the harder you seem to be falling. The only downfall to studying with Donghyuck is you both end up paying more attention to each other than your books.

The night before the exam, Donghyuck takes you to a shrine set up on the university grounds by some of the students. He kneels down before it and you follow his lead.

“Are you sure?” you ask.

“I’m positive,” he smiles. “We’ve been screwing around all day, we can’t start studying now. Listen, whoever makes an offering will pass the exam.”

“But, will it really work?” you wonder full of skepticism due to the fact that you never attempted anything so ludacris before.

“Of course,” Donghyuck states. “That’s how I survived my entire third year.”

You exhale slowly, nodding in defeat, “ok.” You watch as he inches closer to the shrine and lights incense sticks, waiting further instructions.

“Donghyuck,” Soojin yells, walking up to the shrine behind the two of you. “Are you two worshiping the shrine of good luck?”

“I just accompanied her here,” he lies.

You quickly turn to see all of Donghyuck’s friends standing next to Soojin. You’re speechless that is trying to throw you under the bus when all of this nonsense has been his idea.

“Just admit it,” soojin sighs, kneeling down next to you. “Everyone comes here.” She scoots over to make room for Jaemin to be able to squeeze in next to you. 

Chenle grabs a handful of incense sticks, lights them, and hands everyone a couple. You observe everyone closing their eyes once they recieve their sticks and it looks as though they whisper something to themselves. Not entirely sure of what you’re doing, you decide to imitate their actions, closing your eyes then quickly open them.

Sijoon is the first to open her eyes, leaning forward to place her sticks in the slot on the ground in front of the shrine where other incense sticks are. Then Mark and Chenle both lean forward at the same time, banging their heads into each other.

“Ouch,” Chenle yells, looking at Mark. “Why do you have to be in such a hurry?”

“You were in too much of a rush,” Mark snaps.

“Let me do mine first,” Chenle snaps. “Your ash burnt my freakin hand.”

“Can’t you guys be quiet?” Jisung asks, rolling his eyes.

Donghyuck looks at you sitting perfectly still, “I’ll put your incense over there for you.”

You don’t resist, you hand him your sticks, smiling as you watch him taking care of you. 

“Hey Y/N, come here, Jaemin and I want to talk to you about something,” Sijoon says, pulling you away from Donghyuck.

Donghyuck watches, wanting to put a stop to it but fully aware that if he says anything he will expose your secret relationship, which he isn’t ready to do that. He stands up, walking away from the shrine to lean against another tree so can’t see his friends with you. Jisung follows his friend over and leans against the tree as well. 

“Hey,” Jisung sighs, nudging Donghyuck with his elbow. “Your eyes were practically popping out of your head.”

“What are you talking about?” Donghyuck huffs.

“I’m just teasing you,” Jisung laughs. “How are things with Yeji?”

“She’s studying with her friends at their dorm so I haven’t really had the chance to see her,” Donghyuck explains.

“I think the faster you talk to her, the better. If you leave things like this for too long, it won’t be good for anyone,” Jisung suggests.

Donghyuck knows his friend is right. He knows he has to handle things properly, what is he doing with you isn’t fair to you or Yeji.

You lay on your bed, attempting to sleep when you notice Donghyuck is staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. You roll over to face him, “can’t sleep?” you ask. 

“No not really,” he sighs.

“That sucks,” you say. “I guess you’ll be going to your room once the exams are over, right?”

“Well…since this is my last night here,” he rolls over to look at you with a devilish smirk on his face. “And since neither of us can sleep, I think we should do something else.”

“In your dreams,” you scoff, closing your eyes. 

“I can just wait till you fall asleep then,” he laughs. 

“I won’t fall asleep before you,” you state.

“I call bullshit,” he laughs, “you always snore and that’s what keeps me awake.”

“That’s insane,” you snap, “I don’t snore.”

He decides not to argue, there’s  no point, you’re too stubborn to admit you’re wrong. Donghyuck watches as you slowly drift off to sleep. You look so peacefully that he can’t help but to smile. He inches towards your face, kisses your forehead, then lays back down on his side of the bed. 

“I knew you didn’t have the balls to do it,”  you smirk, not opening your eyes.

“It has nothing to do with my balls,” he retorts, “it’s because you can’t act.”

You laugh, turning to look at him, smiling at his adorable face. You are really enjoying having him stay with you and even though you don’t want to admit it, you’re going to be a little sad once things go back to the way they were.

“No, the real reason I didn’t do anything is because I gotta make things right, first,” Donghyuck explains, turning his entire body to face you

“What do you mean by that?” you ask.

“After the exam, I’m going to end things with Yeji,” he confesses, staring intently into your eyes. “I know this might a lot to ask, but you please wait for me?”

A small smile subconsciously appears on your face, “I’ll be right here…so you better make it quick and hurry back to me.”

𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚟 | 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 | 𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝

𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚗

@lostinneocity @delululi @multifandomania

[hyeitsju]

choerry hcs? both sfw and nsfw thank youuu^^

So sorry for the late reply and the bad writing, I'm not very good at it.

Choerry hcs!!

(Choerry x FEMALE Reader)

• She is the most affectionate person EVER

• Hugs and cheek kisses 24/7, it's non negotiable

• So talkative but also loves to listen to you rant about your day

• She loves spending time with you

• If she is not at your house then you are at hers

• Her mood can be lifted just by looking at you

•Her members definitely text you when she’s really upset (basically never) so you can help her calm down

• Cuddles with her are heaven

• Although, once she starts she will not let go

• Even in her sleep

• Takes you out on carnival dates a lot, she probably has a collection somewhere of all the stuffed animals the both of you have won.

• And when she pays for both of your food she makes sure to mention it for at least the next 3 hours

• She would looove it if your as clingy as she is, you two would be a power couple

• You would still get teased by the girls, tho

• When she first met your parents they automatically took her in as their child

• If they tell her something embarrassing you did as a child she will never stop bringing it up

• Whenever she isn’t sleeping over at your house, she will FaceTime you so she can fall asleep to the sound of you talking.

• Doesn’t get jealous often but when she won’t say anything

• She’ll just sit back and pout until you come back over to her

•When you do she will be complaining nonstop

•If not that then she’ll try to politely excuse you from the conversation and leave wherever you both are early.

• Very flirty

• Would 100% text you pick up lines at random

• She’ll say them in public too and will get upset if you don’t react or reciprocate

• If your as clingy as she is then you both will be inseparable

• Wherever you are people automatically assume she’s at most 15 ft away

• Kisses 24/7

• On the cheek, on the forehead, on the lips, on the neck

• She just need to kiss you

• Choerry is a very supportive girl, you could tell her you want to be a sumo wrestler and she’d be happy for you

• She’d send you signed stuff like albums or photocards and whatnot and would explode in happiness whenever you post about them

• I personally think that she wouldn’t be private about your relationship

• She wouldn’t talk about you 24/7 or constantly post pictures of you, she’d just let it be known that y’all are dating.

• If she were to hide it however, she would need to avoid all topics about you.

• If you were an idol, there would be no chance.

•Her face just lights up at your name and by seeing you, people would connect the dots themselves.

• Is so defensive for you.

• If people leave hate comments about you she’d get mad and tell them off

• Hates fighting with you.

• Although, one of you is gonna apologize within the next 3 hours after the fight

• She just can’t stand you being mad at her and vise versa

(nsfw)

• I don’t know if it’s cuz I’m a pillow princess but I can’t see her as a bottom

• She’s just dominant in my eyes

• A soft dom tho, I can’t really see hee being too rough

• She has a high sex drive, 1000%

• You just turn her on, what can I say?

• She’s pretty vanilla tbh, maybe besides a light overstimulation and (maybe) exhibition kink

• She can be at school, work, a restaurant, on a camping trip

• She could be 10 minutes from going on stage and she will still find a way to fuck you

• I feel like she wouldn’t really like to use sex toys, maybe a vibrator or two but other than that, no.

• I just can’t see her using a strap or dildo

• She prefers to use her hands or her body

• She isn’t really into sending or receiving nudes but if you decided to send one she definitely wouldn’t mind.

• Loves overstimulating you

• Most of the time it’s not even on purpose, she just gets lost in the taste and feel of your pussy

• She loves your boobs equally tho

• I feel like she’s the type of girl to hold your boobs while falling asleep

• Or, like, play with them while cuddling

• She could and has came untouched from the sound of you moaning her name

• She loves bathroom sex

• Specifically the bathrooms that have stalls

• Watching you try to keep quiet as she fingers you or eats you out alone could make her cum, especially if there’s someone else in the bathroom or in the next stall.

Sorry the nsfw section is small!! I was tryna fill it but I couldn’t really think of much! Also, sorry this is really bad

[jxtp0sed]

Been back in Japan for a while now but just now getting used to not going to work everyday. It’s been a dream not having to take the congested trains for three hours every day 5-6 times a week omg! It is so so stressful!

Been prepping multiple versions of my resume and tons of cover letters, as well as taking some Japanese lessons (paid for with a stipend from my previous employer - s/o to Nihongonomori) and some MOOCs to level up my skills, alongside attending seminars at my local HelloWork. Getting lots and lots of rejections but trying not to lament though some days are better than others. I need to switch up my approach but also a relocation might be in the near future so I also need to start looking for positions up north… 👀

Remote would be a dream but they’re few and far between for sure…

Since I left my last employer I am proud to say I have booked a handful of model/talent gigs and it’s been such a thrill. I’m writing this on the Shinkansen to Tokyo for what is one of my biggest jobs yet. Of course before leaving Kansai I went through the motions of natural hair anxiety - and I just hope that the beauty team on set over the next couple days come with all their skills because I am going to give it 150% and I want to make sure the look match!!

I really need to get a trim and when I say trim I mean like cutting several inches off my ends (is it even ends anymore?!) because nevermind that I have hair for three people but my endssss whew do not put my blow dried hair in a room with a lit cigarette 😂

Is this a safe space? Anyone wanna take a guess how long it’s been since my last haircut?

Five years…

and before that it was a 4.5 year gap. My last salon visit before that was right before moving to Japan lol I have basically only gotten a haircut that one time since I moved to Japan ten years ago and I didn’t even get the haircut at the 4.5 year mark IN Japan. I’m just really apprehensive about the level of natural/Black haircare knowledge and have lots of childhood salon trauma. I just want to be treated with dignity and walk out happy. 😢 but at this point and with my goals in mind I need to get my hair together and I need help doing it.

I need to find someone who knows how to do a proper blowout since I only ever cut my hair dry. What a struggle in itself and so here we are.

THAT aside

Very thankful for everything so far. I find it ironic that I have the opportunity to take modeling more seriously at this stage in my life. Sometimes I think like damn I’m (re)starting so late - but then I tell myself immediately to shut up, that my timing is the right timing and I’m also immediately reminded of what my mom said before I moved to Japan (she didn’t want me to come after the Fukushima disaster - I still came to jpn for the first time that very August on vacation but) she said “I’m not gonna say anything because I know you’re are going to do what you want” and I don’t think she meant it dismissively, but I think it finally hit her that I ammmm stubborn af and thus also really determined to at least TRY something I’m motivated to do if I think it’s at all possible. Shoutout to my Taurus risings!!

She tried to shoot down my model dreams when I was younger but I mean we was poor and I was the first to go to college like what you mean you wanna take pictures as a job looool

Somehow I feel I’m finding my way step by step. :)

Wish me luck!! My sleep schedule is 💩 and I have very early start times starting tomorrow. Wish I could share more about the project but you’ll find out in time cuz I won’t shut up once it’s out 😂 will post recent work in the meantime

Ganbarimasuuu

[cozycryptidcutie]

Slow Burns are cool and all but me? Personally? I hate it. I need a good medium rare love story. Not too fast and not too slow. Just right. That being said…

Fast Burn Bowuigi love story!!!

Luigi gets dragged along wherever Mario goes. Like all the time. He’s got a big crush on the princess but he doesn’t want to go alone and make it obvious he likes her so who does he go with? Luigi. In exchange Mario has to cook dinner so it is what it is. That is until they arrive and she’s being kidnapped by the neighborhood kingdoms ruler, Bowser. The guards are already gathering to discuss how to get her back. Some are saying maybe if they just do as he says then he’ll let her go. The discussion infuriates Mario, not to mention they won’t let him in the room to hear what’s happening so he has to listen in through the window. Then Mario decides he can’t let them do their plan. He is the only one who could save Peach. Then she’ll HAVE to notice him! Well him and Luigi who tries to protest but Mario won’t take no for an answer. They get to the castle, sneak their way in, and then split up. Luigi gets chased by guards and Mario is like great idea brother! You go that way and I’ll go this way! Luigi runs into a room, barely escaping the guards. Then he hears a child crying. It’s Bowser Jr. Luigi being an expert on crying he quickly helps junior feel better. Then boom, Bowser himself comes in. Silent angry stare at Luigi when Junior interrupts the tension by saying he loves Luigi. And that Bowser should make him his new mommy. Bowser looks at Junior surprised but then smiles and says sure. The three of them walk to the dungeon where Mario is attempting to rescue Peach but then Bowser presses a button letting her out and says she is free to go. Castle goes from a hostile environment to an enchanting castle. With slight lava vibes. Luigi is then led to a room to spend the night, it’s got the works. And Luigi is actually so excited about staying in such a fancy place he forgets where he is. He’s awoken the next day and told to get ready for a wedding. Who’s wedding? He doesn’t ask. White suit? Weird… usually the couple only wear white… oh well! He thinks. Everyone loves a cute theme. It’s his wedding. He’s marrying Bowser. Mario and peach are there but Mario is so distracted that he’s on a date with peach he barely sees that it’s Luigi’s wedding too. Luigi ends up saying yes just cuz he’s too anxious to say no everyone’s looking at him. Things move fast. Too fast for him to process what’s happening. They go to a honeymoon. Bowser treats him like a princess. Spoils the heck out of him. They get home. He’s still being spoiled. They’re spending almost every minute of the day together. Then suddenly he wakes up. Almost a year passed and bowser is no where to be seen. He’s been pulled out to the outskirts of the kingdom on an emergency visit. Luigi mopes around the castle. In his head he thinks he misses home. But he can’t go he’s a prisoner of the kingdom. The guards would surly stop jinx surly… but then at lunch while they give Luigi his food, Junior hops in and sees Luigi sadly eating and asks Luigi if momma is sad bcuz dad is gone? Something in Luigi snaps and he realizes that is why he’s sad. He thought that bowser has been forcing all of this on him but somewhere along the line hes fallen for him. But just as fast as he realizes it, he just as quickly denies it. Something in him screams to go home now. Why has he not tried once to go home. Why was his first thought to be sad and not take the opportunity to leave??? Luigi tries to gather supplies and tries to sneak out of the castle, fails, the guards easily spy him. They just kind of happily address him and say if he wants they could get him a car to get home. Luigi hesitates but says yes. He says bye to Junior and goes home. Mario welcomes him back and asks how long he’s visiting. Luigi goes on this huge rant defending that he’s not visiting! This is his house. He lives here! Mario asks with concern if Bowser was being cruel to him. And luigi describes the cutest little couple problems like I dunno calling him cute. He is not cute. Puppies are cute! Luigi is handsome!! Mario chuckles and just lets luigi figure it out on his own.

[imjustabeanie]

Hello 🖤

I was hoping to get a Hazbin Hotel matchup please.

I'm bisexual and use she/pronouns so go wild lolol.

Personality wise I appear extremely reserved, but soon enough after a couple of conversations, I reveal my self to be quite boisterous. I'm always cracking (*almost* appropriate) jokes, and I am ALWAYS up for an adventure.

I like the buzz of cities, especially at night, and enjoy eating sushi and wearing perfume.

I am a big reader and particularly enjoy period novels (almost as much as I love rewatching the same 5 shows on repeat).

But my main passion...is musical theatre! I can act, sing and dance and I'm working hard in training to have a shot in the industry.

When it comes to dating, I don't really have a type I go for. It's more about the chemistry I have with someone and how easily we can bounce conversation back and forth.

I suppose then I like people with a bit of wit. Who have a sharpness that they know if and when to use.

I hope that's all the information you need. Thank you for reading my request 🖤

Hey hey hey! Here's your match!

Your hazbin hotel match is....Charlie Morningstar!

Okay so for you it was rather tough cuz you’d get along with many characters as we could try different chemistries and it’d still work. But I finally settled down for good old Charlie Morningstar. You do have as runner ups Rosie (unfortunately, the show didn’t develop her well enough for me to analyse her more deeply cuz she’s in a near equal position to Charlie), Vaggie and (if we omit his sexuality) Angel Dust. The last one would totally be a bff in that world lol.

Charlie is a very passionate person. She believes that everyone deserves a second chance and has a very positive outlook on life in general. Your reserved exterior won’t bother her at all as she’ll actively try to befriend you! And once you reveal your more extraverted self she’ll consider it as a huge victory lol. I believe that Charlie would be the one to ask you out first, she will do it in a song trust me (and it won’t cosk 50k).

You two are a very adventurous couple cuz you encourage each other. She wants to go to the most dangerous parts of hell to promote her hotel? Sure! You want to go to a play taking place in another circle but you two have things to do the next day in early morning? Hop on baby there’s no time to waste. Vaggie is losing it with you two.

Charlie completely understands your jokes and let out a giggle every time you make one even if it’s really borderline to the shock of Angel Dust and Vaggie. She is also rather sharp, she just hides it. But if you hurt someone she loves then she’ll go all out.

Dates nights every night she can, she either takes you out to a restaurant, entertainment or just makes something at the hotel for both of you to unwind and gossip together. As we saw in the show, Charlie tells everything to her lover so it’s definitely the case here. Your opinion matters a lot to her. But she also values honesty a lot so if you take time to open up warn her so she won’t be hurt.

I also see her to be the type to hyperfixate on something for a while (which means also rewatching her favorite episodes and re reading her favorite chapters). Due to her age, Charlie definitely is a big reader, it’s just that she has less time with the hotel. If you start rambling about the books you’re reading you can almost see the hearts in her eyes.

Charlie is your number one cheerleader in your interest at dancing, singing and acting. You two always sing together and believe it or not she won’t hesitate to use her position to help boost you because she really believes in you. Yeah you two are such a sight to behold.

I hope you like it!

[tame-a-messenger]

(Warning: the last couple times I tried to do a separate paragraph it somehow condensed into one paragraph when you posted it for some reason so I apologize in advance for what might end up being a huge wall of text lol)

Omg my top five starkid musicals?? That’s so hard 😭 I definitely don’t have a set ranking so these won’t be in order just general top five.

Obviously I have to have AVPM in there. I mean it’s a classic and was the show that introduced me to Starkid when I was a big Harry Potter fan and found this show. I was obsessed with the Very Potter Trilogy in middle school and would listen to the soundtrack every day while getting ready for school lmao. Honestly if I could put all three in my top five I would (like Coolest Girl helped me get more confidence and is so important to me) but I gotta save some room for other shows cuz they’re all amazing. But AVPM gave us “Hufflepuff’s are particularly good finders” and Quirrelmort and that alone is enough to put it in the top five (not even counting all the other iconic parts of the show)

Maybe an unpopular opinion but Holy Musical Batman is definitely in my top five. Idk what it is but I just love that show. The puns, the costumes, Nick Lang acting, Joe walker (I miss him ok), Jeff Blim debut in arguably one of his best roles? It’s all SO good. Also the opening number is *chef’s kiss* like Dylan didn’t need to go that hard. ALSO THE ACAPELLA SECTION IN DARK SAD LONELY KNIGHT?! It’s amazing. Anyway I love that silly little show.

Maybe it’s recency bias but I love NPMD. I literally have the soundtrack on repeat. One of the best StarKid soundtracks FOR SURE. The show is just so funny and has good characters and has amazing songs what more can I say? Also Angela as Grace is a standout

Idk if this counts since it’s shorter and not written by the Lang bros but A VHS Christmas Carol is so special to me so it’s in my top five. I love the 80s soundtrack (lowkey Clark’s best work) and vibes in general. I also love how we get to see some older Starkids who aren’t in the current stuff anymore again. I literally screamed (ok maybe not literally but internally I screamed and freaked out lol) when I saw the video announcing the cast for the first time bc omg my favs are returning!! Also I am obsessed with Brian and Lauren as a duo (SIBLINGS) so seeing them actually play siblings and the little spin hug they did just warmed my heart.

Honestly for fifth it’d probably be whichever I watch most recently bc they’re all so good and I can’t decide so I’ll at least say tie between Trail to Oregon and Black Friday. They’re both so good but so different so it’s hard for me to decide but I love them both. OMG AND TWISTED!! Bro I literally can’t pick a fifth they’re all so good 😭

THIS IS WHAT I WAS SAYING!!! ITS SO HARD TO CHOOSE!!

I feel like anybody that like Starkid has to have AVPM in the top 5, it’s usually the first introduction to them! 

You’re making me want to push Holy Musical Batman further up on my catch-up to Starkid musicals! I skimmed it a while ago and it didn’t grab me so I watched something else, BUT IT SOUNDS SO GOOD WITH HOW YOU PITCHED IT? It’s next on my list for sure!

NPMD really is pretty killer, I LOVE the music! I put it on some playlists and everything! from Lauren's solo to Grace’s “bully/Bury the bully” THE INTRO?! JON MATTESON !!! “I’M NOT A LOSER!” LIKE DUDE?!

moving on

GOSHDAMN ANOTHER ONE I HAVENT SEEN! VHS Christmas Carol! I ALSO skimmed this one and didn’t finish it! I’ve really gotta start watching stuff! You make it sound so GOOD!

RIGHT ITS SO HARD TO CHOOSE. I’ll agree to have all Starkid musicals as our #1 beside “me and my dick”. 

[whiskeyswriting]

Always The Second Choice Chapter 4: Madhouse

{ Masterlist } | { Previous Part }

Chapter 4: Madhouse 

The seconds turn into minutes.

Minutes into hours.

Hours into days.

Days into a week.

Time continues and Lily feels like her world has stopped since that day. She hasn’t slept. She had ignored her phone and door. The only person she could bear to see at the moment was Jimmy. And that was because she could never tell him no. Jimmy would bring her lunch and he would sit with her, even if neither said anything,

After their lunches, Lily continued to spend the next few days trying to fight sleep. Her body had grown tired and the bags under her eyes would just darken daily. She knew it wasn’t healthy to live like this, so she contacted Perry to allow her to work from her home office for a while. 

“Take the time you need. James told me a bit more detail about what you went through… So yeah, take the time you need and work from home.”

What she didn’t tell Perry was that seeing Clark would hurt too much. Not to mention that Lois just wanted to see her to interview her for a news article. 

After deciding to work from home, Lily started focusing on her emotional well-being. She started going to the gym her apartment building had and burning up all her pent-up anger and pain. 

The burn of the running, lunges, weights, and everything in between helped her focus. Though she loved her position at the Daily Planet, she knew if she were to return everyone would treat her differently. She spent a couple of days clearing out her work email and preparing layouts for a few more articles before emailing Perry her resignation letter.

That same day Jimmy again came over to have lunch with her. He is gentle when he unlocks the door and steps in with the bags of food. “Okay, pity party is over today. Today we’re commencing Day 1 of the New Future.”

Lily got up from the couch and ran to hug him tightly. Galahad, Lily’s black Scottish fold, was sleeping by the door stretches and meowed up at Jimmy when he heard him come in. Galahad rubs against Jimmy’s leg and meows at him for attention.

“Oh, babe!” Jimmy hugs her in return. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m real. I’ve got you.”

“I just can’t sleep, Jimmy… I… There are things I didn’t tell you about when I was under… It… There were other things I experienced.”

Jimmy’s brows furrow and he sits next to Lily. “Only talk about it if you want to and feel ready.”

“There were moments where it’s like I was locked up in an asylum… Like the one from Gotham… There would be endless hallways of me running and men in white coats, coats, getting so close, close. I would find an escape room only to end up back in that hallway saying my prayers, don't take me back there.”

Jimmy pulls her into a tight hug. “You’re here now. This is your reality. I won’t let anyone harm my best friend.”

Lily smiles. “You’re the best Jimmy Olsen. Too bad we both are too alike to be a real couple,” she teases. Lily removes her arms from Jimmy and helps him plate the food for them. “You got enough food to feed a small family.”

“That’s cuz I invented a couple more people.”

“James Bartholomew Olsen! Why would you do that? Who did you invite?” 

Jimmy gently pushes her to her room. “Go get dressed. Your boyfriend is coming.”

“Boyfriend!? What are you going on about Jimmy?”

“Luthor… He’s been calling the office every day for you. Nobody wants to talk to him so they all have me take the call.”

Lily groans. “I do have to return the suit to him.”

“Why don’t you wear your new sweatpants and vintage rock tee?”

Lily just rolls her eyes at Jimmy but goes to change. As she’s getting dressed, she hears Jimmy open the door and greet the other guests. Immediately, she recognizes Lex’s voice. However, Lily couldn’t fully identify the other two voices.

Once she’s done, she exits her room and heads to the kitchen. Before reaching the kitchen, she walks into Lex, who is exiting the guest bathroom. “Mr. Luthor.”

“What have I told you to call me?”

“Alexander.”

He shakes his head and smiles sadly down at her. “I’m sorry for what you went through. James explained it to me. How are you feeling?”

“You don’t have to apologize. You’re not the one that gave me the nightmare… I have that suit you let me borrow the other day.”

“You can keep it. It was a gift.”

Jimmy finds them in the hallway. “Chop chop. The food is getting cold. You lovebirds can catch up later.”

Lily can feel her cheeks flush deeply. “We’re not…”

“We’ll be right there,” Lex says simultaneously as Lily.

When they reach the dining room, Lily finally sees who the other two people are. One is a young female, about her age, and she immediately sits next to Lex. The other is one of Jimmy’s fellow photographer and crush, Amanda. 

During dinner, Lily can’t help but feel overwhelmed with too much conversation and stimulation, she sometimes lets her mind wander back to the dream life.

“Mercy… That’s not an appropriate question,” Lex's stern voice brings Lily back to the present. 

“I just wanted to know what was the reason for the fainting spell and sudden quitting of a lucrative job.”

Jimmy responds before Lily can. “I wonder why you’re so interested in what happened to Lils… It’s almost as if you had something to do with it and want to make sure she doesn’t know you had a hand in it.”

Lex looks over at Jimmy and then at Mercy. “Did you have anything to do with it?”

“You’re seriously going to believe people that you just met? I’ve been loyal to you and Luthor Corp since day 1.”

Before anyone else can say anything, there’s a knock at Lily’s door.

They all share a look before Lily stands and goes to open the door. To her surprise, Clark and Lois are standing there. “Hi cuz. We heard you were having a dinner party and wanted to join,” Lois says barging in.

Clark looks at Lily apologetically. 

Immediately, Jimmy and Lex are at Lily’s side, while she blocks Lois from entering further into the apartment. “I would suggest you leave my apartment now.”

“Well, it’s my father’s apart-”

“No. It’s mine. I own it. Now leave. You are not welcome here.”

“But we’re family. I came to make sure you’re fine.”

“More like you came to interview her,” Lex interjects, pointing at the notepad and not-so-discreet recorder.

Lois purses her lips and then smirks. “So you’re the one that she’s sleeping with now?”

Mercy and Lex immediately deny him sleeping with Lily. 

Lily sees red. “You know what Lois?” She lets out all her pent-up anger at her bully of a cousin and punches her. 

“WHAT THE HELL LILIAN??” Lois says clasping her nose.

“Lois. You and our family have never treated me as one of the family or as a friend. I’m the older one but everything I do is compared to you… Who copies me… Told everyone I'm a bitch, so I became it. Always had to put yourself above me.”

Lois is trying to swing back at Lily but Clark keeps holding her back.

“Leave my apartment now or I’ll hit you again. I was tryin' to be nice but nothing's getting through, so let me spell it out since you can’t spell or write to save your life: A-B-C-D-E, F-U and your mom and your sister and your job, and your broke-ass car and that shit you call art. Fuck you and your friends that I'll never see again. Everybody but your dog, you can all fuck off.” Her hands are shaking so much that she walks out to her apartment’s balcony to get fresh air. 

Jimmy makes quick work of opening the door and having Clark and Lois leave. “I will side with Lily on this. Leave and don’t come back either of you.” 

Lily is still calming down when Lex comes to join her on the balcony. “Lilian…”

“Just… Please. I want to be alone. I need to be alone.”

He nods but before leaving he places his jacket over her shoulders. “I know I have a history of being evil or untrustworthy, but know that I’ll always be there for you whenever you need me.”

Lily just nods and whispers a soft thank you. She waits until he leaves before she starts crying again. Jimmy rushes to her side and hugs her tightly. “I’m here. I’m here.” 

“I’m tired Jimmy. I’m done living in a madhouse of being someone’s second choice. The charity auction is my last day. You’re always more than welcome to come by anytime.” Lily returns the hug. “You truly are my favorite person, James.” 

Amanda clears her throat. “I called a cab for me.” 

“Amanda, before you leave, please tell me you’re free this Saturday to help me go dress shopping.” 

“Yes! I’ll even make it a mini photoshoot session.”

Jimmy just shakes his head. “The poor stores won’t know what hit them with you two causing trouble.”

After they finally say goodbye for the night, Lily gets to work on starting a website to start freelancing her graphic design services. Not long after, she falls asleep for the first time with a huge weight lifted off her chest.

--

Series 🏷️ List: @askmarinaandothers @dragon-kazansky @bayisdying @cycbaby

[triplexdoublex]

In the article it said "although they are broken up Megan feels they should give therapy a shot before making any permanent decisions" why? To talk about how she made the world hate him? How she won't acknowledge the abuse claims? How she literally started all of this and now he has to hide in Cleveland? Any real therapist would tell them to get away from each other. I really don't think she thought colson would actually end things with her so she's holding onto every last string she has, also notice in articles it's always her pov, her sources and then colson is added at the end like oh um ig he wants to work it out. Like he's an after thought. Like this is the first time in a long time that we have seen Colson stay in Cleveland for more then 2 days, bc he always chosed to be with Megan on special events but now that they actually have to be together to work it out he goes states away to two of the realest people who have made it clear that they don't really like Megan and u know Casie and especially dub are encouraging him to end things with her. Honestly him going to Cleveland was one of the smartest decisions over the simple fact she can't hire paps to follow them around while they go to "couples counseling", he won't have people in his ear encouraging him to stay even if he's miserable and she can't just randomly show up to his house banging on the door if he says he needs space

I saw that! “Give therapy a shot” 🙄 Like girl you said yourself over a year ago that the two of you have already done every type of therapy that exists!!! … It’s obviously not working!!! Time to move on! I feel like therapists have already told her that but she just leaves cuz it’s not what she wants to hear and then they try another therapist and another one. I think Colson probably made the decision to do zoom therapy after those pics of them leaving therapy came out. Since he’s the one trying to be private and mature about it. Meanwhile Megan’s probably pissed the paps won’t get to capture the dramatics and keep her relevant. I’m glad he decided to go back to Cleveland too for the exact reasons you stated as well. I hope he’s doing well and taking the time to heal and make the right decision. I hope he’s still there when I go to Cleveland next week to see Mod. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll make a surprise appearance at Mods show or maybe I’ll run into him at The 27 Club. We’re going there for breakfast the morning after the show .

[youdontknowwheretogofromhere]

saturday, october 5, 2024 11:01 pm

i have a headache and i want to complain so

I’m in a really bad mood kinda and i have this shitty headache and my brothers in the hospital and i can’t listen to music without getting upset but I’m uncomfortable cuz i really want to listen to something

so i live with my sister and her kids right? and she in the middle of getting a divorce but like they still live together. so like they fight all the time and niggas(i don’t usually use this online but i’m mad as fuck so who cares anyways[did i ever say i was black?]) always end up getting involved and her fuck ass stupid babydaddy is yelling at me and doing all this bs. i need that guy to die. this nigga got drunk last night and cuz my sister didn’t want to endanger her kids she called the police, tell me why he woke up the next morning and didn’t even remember it happened? seriously fuck this guy, i HATE him HATE HATE HATE. this nigga makes me feel like am from i have no mouth and i must scream cuz it’s just pure hate. and then this guy is saying we have to move out in two weeks even though last week he said the end of the year when he knows we don’t have any money and my brother is literally in the fucking hospital

fuck anyway. i was gonna make a post the day he had to go but i didn’t feel like writing anything but now i can’t sleep and I’m trying to draw and I’m pissed off with a headache so. we was feeling really sick for like a week or since like monday or saturday right? and he like couldn’t stand or move or get up and so thursday my mom was like, “okay we need to get you to the hospital because this isn’t what colds are like”. so he goes to the hospital and they diagnose him with chronic appendicitis and he has to get emergency surgery. he’s been in the hospital ever since and i just visited him today and stayed for 6 hours or something like that. it was from like 11 to 5 pm. he’s not reallly getting better. the surgery went well and all but he hasn’t been able to eat and anytime he eats he throws up so they keep extending his stay like every day. i know he’s gonna be okay i just feel really bad for him cuz like he’s in a lot of pain

okay next thing. so i struggle with like feeling like no one cares about me or anything i do and i feel really lonely all the time right? and so every time someone doesn’t respond to me or they stop messaging or talking to me for a few hours/days or they start talking to me less, i feel like they hate me and they’re trying not to be mean and hoping i take the hint and just fuck off and leave them alone. and of course, because i’ve been working on myself for the past couple of months, i’ve been working on this too and i’ve gotten better and tried not to jump to conclusion. but, i have this issue with my bf(idefk anymore bro T-T) so like he’s just got a job(YAY!! i was so happy for him when he told me) so maybe that’s what he’s busy with but like remember when i said he doesn’t message me unless i message him first? now even when i message him he won’t reply for hours or he will then i’ll respond then he’ll stop talking . and he’s probably genuinely busy or something i just wish he’d tell me but i don’t want to bring it up because i don’t want to seem like some clingy annoying idiot and i don’t like bothering people so idk what to do. and like i really like this guy, i think about him all the time and it’s so fucking lame but i enjoy thinking about him and we don’t talk as much and we haven’t called in weeks and i should just kill myself. sorry that isn’t funny. anyways, i’ve been trying not to take it too hard and telling myself that he still likes me and he wasn’t using me for anything and that he’s just busy, but i think I’m like super paranoid or something and I’m still super freaked about it.

i just realized these are three really long paragraphs about shit no one cares about. sometimes i really want to kill myself. and i don’t think anyone would be too upset. they’d come to my funeral, they’d eat, then they’d forget my name until the eulogy and i would just be gone. i wish any cared or pretend to.

sorry. I’m being really dramatic. i just feel horrible today. thank you for reading this. i love you a lot. I’m glad you care, even a little, just enough to sit through my stupid ramblings. i hope you’re laughing or maybe crying or feeling pity or anything at all. i hope my words cause a reaction in you. i hope i do anything at all. i love you. it’s true, pure love. so much love inside of my heart and if you care at all i will give it all to you. i love you.

11:28 pm

i keep mourning myself

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31, 2000 They’re back to booming again. At 10:30 I heard a slight boom. Not the kind that’s really thunderous that you can feel. This one didn’t vibrate the house. I’m surprised they’d start up again on the last day of the month. I thought they’d start up on the 1st or the 15th.

Dan only gunned his engine a few times, but even so, I’d like it better if he’d get out of here. The fewer people around, the better. If he’s still here this late in the year, I doubt he’s going to be leaving at all.

My allergies are going off starting last night, but fortunately, they’re not constant sneezing fits. Not yet, anyway. I’m just having a few sneezes here and there. Not the kind where I sneeze 20 times in a row and have to jump up to blow my nose. My nose isn’t runny. My eyes were itchy, though. I had to put some eye drops in.

When I got up I got Houdini out of the closet and put him in the tank with the lid, but as is the usual case for two hours after I’ve tanked him, he’s all wound up. I took him out a couple of times and let him run around on the bed till he tried to jump off the corner closest to the closet.

There was a Gophie by the snake hole and I brought out some food. This time she waited till after I’d stepped out the door before diving into the hole. That’s getting brave.

Maria called again today but she didn’t leave a message. Yesterday, there was a fourth call. A private number with no message. Please, God, don’t let it be that Clara got our number! Even if she did, though, I suppose it wouldn’t harm anything. Larry wouldn’t want to talk to me any more than I’d want to talk to him. I don’t think he’d even bother leaving me a fuck you message after the mail I intend to send. If anything, he’d give the number to his mommy and daddy and have them do his dirty work for him. They’d call to bitch about it. Since they probably couldn’t get the number, though, and therefore can’t call, it’ll be interesting to see if they call any other people with my last name about the letters or if they send me a letter to the old address. I just wish we’d hurry up and get that printer! I don’t want to send Larry and his associate’s mail before Doe and Art’s, cuz then Doe and Art may be too afraid to even open any mail from me.

Later…

My allergies are acting up worse, so I popped a Benadryl. However, I’m sure it’ll fail to dry up my nose and stop my sneezing, as usual. Instead, it’ll dry up my mouth and cause me to take a 1-2-hour nap. Oh well. I felt like I had to do something. So much for the cutting down on the mice space experiment. I swear you could put me in a sterile environment and I’ll still have allergy fits for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Later…

My allergies have been making me miserable all day and I wonder – am I going to have this every 2-3 weeks for the rest of my life? And if not, what will the problem be that replaces it? I’ve racked my brains trying to figure out the cause of it, but there’s no pattern. I just can’t see a cause. That leaves only one thing – God. God’s the cause of this and I hate him for it!

I decided to spread my cleaning schedule out from 3 days a week to 6 days a week, so it won’t seem so overwhelming. Here’s my plan:

Mon. - master bath Tues. - liv/my office Wed. - den/his office/guest Thurs. - second bath Fri. - kitchen/utility Sat. - laundry Sun. – bedroom/retreat

TUESDAY, MAY 30, 2000 It turned out to be the quietest Memorial Day weekend I’ve ever experienced out here. The Saturday morning boom car stereo was the only thing I heard. Even Dan’s place was dark and quiet last night. Makes me wonder if he finally fucked off and headed for Indiana.

I can just imagine what must’ve gone on at our old place. Must have been quite a riot, but then again, maybe not. The noise was aimed at me for the most part, so maybe they happened to simmer down once I left, but I’ll never know. I’ll never know how the Hs feel about living next to them, either. I figure there are not too many possibilities. They either don’t mind having their yard trashed and the noise to listen to (if they are up to their same old tricks), or they don’t like it, or they shut up and kept their garbage to themselves. Maybe it’s a combination of things. Meaning, maybe they are quieter, but still noisy by most people’s standards, and the Hs just don’t care.

Again I woke up at 121 pounds. Maybe that dream will turn out to be a premonition, but at the rate I’m going, if I were to be 115 pounds, that won’t be till November. It’s funny how I gained and started losing weight at the exact same time of year as the last time. The first time I gained weight (after quitting smoking), I started gaining in October and didn’t start losing until May. Same with the second time around and I also gained the same amount each time I gained weight. I peaked at a little over 125 pounds. Since I can’t muster up the willpower to eat 1000 calories a day, I upped my workouts and workout every day now. I even worked out twice yesterday.

I have a dress that I don’t need to wear a bra with when I’m around the mid-120s because it’s a snug fit at that weight. Now that I’ve dropped a bit, it’s not as tight around the chest.

Later…

Not only has my body gotten used to shitting at 121 pounds, but I just had to up and take my second dump of the day. What I wonder is – will I go back up to 125 pounds before my period?

I forgot to mention that last week I finally received a newsletter from the doll company I got some of my cheap dolls from. The dolls I got at K-Mart had a card you fill out for their club, but all their club is newsletters about other people’s collections. Like I really care? I don’t want to meet or talk to other collectors. I thought they’d send catalogs or coupons or something like that.

Houdini’s so funny. He was in his usual spot in the closet when I got up. I put him in the tank and didn’t bother to put the lid on it. I knew he could jump out, but I didn’t think he’d bother. Well, he did. He jumped out and right into the big cage.

Later…

And he jumped back out of it too, so now he’s in the tank with the lid on.

I just went out to feed our many outdoor critters. Tom said that when he was out yesterday, he saw one on each side of the house and says there are at least 6 of them around here (I know I should spell out numbers the professional way, but I’m writing a journal, not a book, so I won’t be so formal and proper).

Later…

This phone has rung the most it’s ever rung in the last couple of days. I just got an out-of-area call where the person never spoke, but I know someone was there because I could hear them before they hung up on me. I forgot to block our number when I called Sandy’s parents. I hope to hell they don’t have Caller ID.

Maria and the stupid Mexican Elena called, too. Maria’s this New York-sounding woman who thinks we sell water. Again she called saying she was low on water, and after the 3rd call from the Mexican, they finally left a message. Not much of one, though. They just made this sigh-like sound before hanging up. I could hear a radio or a TV on in the background, too. Getting 3 calls in one day is a lot, till the sales calls come in a dozen a day like they used to. I still don’t understand what it is with these people, though. Maria made it sound like she’s talked to the guy she was looking for before, so why doesn’t she realize that Tom’s voice is different? And what about these Mexicans? Shouldn’t they not recognize Tom’s voice?

It’s funny how Mary and Dave have been in this house 3 times in the 5 months we’ve been here, yet they were never at the Phoenix house in the 6 years we were there.

Later…

Oh, please! Just when I thought Dan was gone for a few months, it starts an engine-gunning spree.

Anyway, Tom’s looking into a really cool program that lets you make your own fonts. I want one that’ll let me write out the letters which I can then scan into the computer. However, having a dead scanner doesn’t help. Something’s really been cursing my computer this last month or two, and one of the many things to get fucked up is the scanner. Tom said he hasn’t figured out what’s wrong with it yet. Well, I hope he figures it out soon, cuz I have a really funny idea. The idea is to forge Andy’s handwriting, something I can do very well, from samples of stuff he’s written in a few journals of mine, and write a letter to his mother. No, I’m not gonna say anything mean, violent or sexual. I’ll just write the kind of letter Andy would really write, and then laugh over knowing how confused he’ll be when he hears about the letter he never sent. Then he’ll really wonder about his pot brain!

MONDAY, MAY 29, 2000 Thank God I’m not in Phoenix! I’m surprised it hasn’t been a bit musical around here yet this weekend, but I’m sure someone will blare their music today. Either Dan will blast off, or that boom car stereo will drive by.

Anyway, Tom’s doing his favorite thing – watching TV. He did do computer stuff, though, too. Since we didn’t screw Saturday or Sunday, I guess that means we’ll have to go through the bullshit motions today. He’ll wait till he’s been up for 10-12 hours, though. He said he got up at 6:00, so I don’t expect him to make a move on me before 4:00.

I changed the animals earlier and realized it was a waste of time putting food and water outside of the cages when all Houdini has to do is go home to eat and drink. If he can get out, then he can surely get back in, and Tom verified this today. When I got up at 10:00 he was home, but Tom said he wasn’t home earlier. So, he can come and go as he pleases when he’s in that cage, but until tonight, I have him tanked.

Later…

Wow! It looks like he may not touch me at all. If he doesn’t, I’ll have mixed emotions about it. A part of me will feel like he doesn’t want me anymore or find me attractive, although who could at this day and age? A bigger part of me will be glad to get out of something so planned and predictable. If we do screw, I’ll have mixed emotions about that, too. I’ll be bored with the same old, same old, but will feel there’s still a little bit of attraction still lingering. He tells me I’m beautiful, but I think that’s just another one of his lies. What’s beautiful about me? The freckle on my shoulder?

I wrote another letter to Mom.

Maria called telling us that the water’s getting really low, so don’t forget to pick some up! Some idiot in this area, who obviously doesn’t have a well, left this message yesterday. How stupid can they be? I mean, didn’t they realize that Tom’s voice wasn’t familiar, or does Tom sound exactly like someone they know?

Later…

He finally brought up the subject of sex. Right now he’s taking the 2-3 hours he likes to digest (it used to be 1) before we screw, and waiting till the very end of his day. Maybe he wants to finish himself off in bed. That’s another thing – the sleeping together hasn’t happened and I doubt it ever will. I put the ball in his court to see what he’d do and he hasn’t said or done anything differently. I don’t think either of us wants to sleep together that bad and I also think we’re so used to the way things have been that it’s all the harder to change.

God, give me the strength to come up with an excuse every weekend! I’d just feel so guilty, although I know I shouldn’t because he wouldn’t miss the sex any more than I would. I’m just so sick of the same old, same old. It’s so damn planned and predictable and boring me to tears. I can see why so many couples cheat, only it’s for different reasons than ours. I’ve got a predictable, dry dick here that’s boring me to tears, and other women have guys that smother them. Also, they bitch about how the man gets it over within a few seconds and doesn’t take the time to do it slowly. Yeah, that’s what I’ve got with this man here, but again, the reasons are different. Other women’s men are in and out because they’re horny and want a hole to squirt in. This man’s in and out because he’s too scared to cum in a place that he doesn’t know whether or not a kid could result in.

Later…

I was right. He didn’t go inside. I asked him if it was due to my being too cramped out last week and told him that I wrote how I suspected this would happen and thought it was quite a coincidence. He swears he wasn’t copycatting me and said he wondered if my subconscious led to his not being able to go inside (meaning, maybe that caused me not to put my heart into it), although he admits he “jumped the gun” the first time around by not having me do him by hand longer. The first time around when I went to warm him up he got fairly hard, but as soon as he went to go inside, he was his usual dry, limp self. The second time around, although I thought I was doing my best, I just couldn’t get him into it and hard, so I stopped and told him I thought it was hopeless and that I was sorry I couldn’t do a better job. He then went on to say that he wanted more variety, I won’t hurt him as long as I stay away from his balls, don’t give up, and he wants me to be happy. As I bluntly told him, he couldn’t make me happy sexually, because he couldn’t and wouldn’t make the changes necessary to make me happy, but that that was OK because his happiness is more important than mine. I want him to be himself and do what makes him happy. I’ll sacrifice sexual happiness to please him because he’s worth it and I love him. But he wouldn’t be happy doing things that’d make me happy. What would make me happy would be to not know what day of the week we’re going to screw, yet I know it’ll be Saturday or Sunday, but probably Sunday at the end of his day. It’d also be nice if I never knew when he’d cum, but instead I always know he won’t. Even so, and like I told him, I know how important it is for him to be himself and do what makes him happiest and most comfortable. It’s still hard to get used to a man needing so much foreplay, I told him, and that I’ve got to keep in mind how different he is. Then he said he’s just him. He’s both. He’s himself and he’s different. We’re talking about a man, who like a woman, needs a lot of foreplay, has a lower appetite, and rarely cums.

SUNDAY, MAY 28, 2000 Tom left an hour ago to meet Mary and Dave at Fry’s. They should be back around 1:30. I have mixed emotions about this arrangement. I’m grateful for the new TV, but I feel a little insulted by her insisting Dave help carry in the TV when I’m perfectly capable of helping my own husband.

Haven’t heard the boom car stereo since yesterday morning, and I doubt Dan ended up blasting off. If he did, it was for a very short time because his lights weren’t on for long at all. I was surprised.

Time to go out and feed the Gophies.

Later…

OK, I just fed them.

Houdini didn’t stick to his usual routine last night. He doesn’t usually escape till after I go to bed, but at 9:30 I caught him running around in the retreat after I had come out of my office. He was hiding under the walker (I’ll store that in the trailer). I put him back in the big cage and later found him in the closet. I put him back again and he stayed in the cage till 9:00 this morning. He probably came out looking for me wondering why I was late. Animals are pretty sensitive to time. I upped the alarm from 9:00 to 10:00 cuz I couldn’t fall asleep till 2:00, and he was probably wondering why the alarm didn’t go off at 9:00. How I know he didn’t escape till 9:00 was because Tom said that’s when he last saw him. When I got up at 10:00, he was under the walker. I had blocked off the retreat by putting a towel across the bottom of the door, but he simply clawed it away, so I made that room safe for him to hang out in. He was wound up, as usual, for a while after I tanked him, and even tried to bite Tom.

Later…

The new 25” TV is here. Sure beats our old dark 19”. It was on sale for $200 and fits in the entertainment center perfectly. Mary and Dave visited for about 20 minutes, then they took off for the casino to win another thousand dollars of money they don’t need.

Later…

Tom’s still watching the new TV. He did take a break to race his car on the computer, though. Good, this, along with his cut toe and cut face, will delay our boring sex. I don’t know how he got the cut on his toe, but he obviously got the cut on his face from shaving. I know Sunday evenings are his favorite time to screw around, but I still say I’ll get to get out of it altogether cuz of I was cramped out last weekend and not in the mood. I just wish he’d make his excuse before we bother to get into bed and go through all the bullshit motions. And I swear he wants to wear my hand out at times, making me do him by hand forfuckingever! Long after he’s hard he still has me doing him by hand, probably to make up the difference for screwing for only a few minutes, and I’m like – come on, buddy! Let’s get this over with. You’ve been hard now for ages.

It’s amazing how many channels they’ve got! Fifty channels alone for music is total overkill. I’m surprised they don’t have a channel just for commercials. A channel for current commercials, one for old commercials, and then one for each type of commercial. A channel for car commercials, one for having babies, etc.

SATURDAY, MAY 27, 2000 When I got up this morning, the first thing I did before getting my coffee was go into the closet to pull Houdini out and put him back in his tank. Again, he didn’t fight me. It’s amazing how he stands still and lets me pick him right up. I don’t put him in the big cage till around 8:00–9:00 and he doesn’t bother trying to escape till after I go to bed because he wants to play with Ratsy during those hours.

Thank God I’m not in Phoenix now! I’ll especially be thankful I’m not there on Monday.

Tom told me that somewhere in the Midwest or the East, a 13-year-old boy was sent home from school for being disruptive. A while later, he returned to school with a gun, said something to his teacher, then shot him in the face. That’s your all-American kid for you. It seems that once we hit the 90s, kids went downhill. That’s because the parents got worse and worse. I asked Tom if the kid was white and he said they didn’t say. Not that white kids aren’t bad enough themselves, but this sounds kind of blackish to me. I think shooting up teachers is a black thing. And the sad thing about it is that this kid’s not gonna be tried as an adult. It’ll be put in a school similar to Valleyhead, although it’ll probably have its windows barred, and it’ll be free by the time it’s 21.

I didn’t bother weighing in this morning or taking measurements like I have been for the last six Saturdays or so, because I know I’m still right about where I usually am. I know I’m 122-124 pounds, and my thighs are 22-23, my hips and tits are about 37, and my waist is 29-30.

Got another doll poster for my office wall yesterday. An Indian girl doll that’s pretty nice. I like having these doll posters. It not only makes for good decoration, but it’s almost like having these extra dolls that I don’t have and I don’t have to dust them or worry about breaking them.

Later…

We haven’t even been here six months and we already have a boom car stereo driving by regularly, just as I predicted. Thanks, God. Thanks a lot. Sure, it’s not nearly as loud as the boom car stereos that’d drive by in Phoenix, and sure, we don’t have to listen to people screaming, balls bouncing, and dogs barking, but the point of the matter still stands – I don’t want to know others exist when I’m in my own home and I don’t want to hear anyone else’s music but my own. This time I saw the car. It was a red car that came up from the front bedroom side of the house and drove up Meadow Green, the bedroom side of the house. As far as I could tell, it passed the renters. Of course the drivers were cocks and of course they just had to be blacks or Mexicans too, from what I could tell. Tom still swears that by the end of June, the stereo will either be broken, or they’ll get sick of driving on these roads if they want to keep it working. But it’s now become rather obvious that they live here. I’ve heard them too many times now for them to be just visitors. They live here and no one who’s into attention-getting stereos like that is going to just give that up, nor can they necessarily just up and move as soon as the thing breaks. Moving takes money and if they just moved into the area, and obviously they did, they’re not going to want to move again so soon, so they’ll just keep fixing the fucking thing. Although, I don’t believe Tom when he says they’re that sensitive. I think they can stand up to these roads just fine and even if they couldn’t and the stereo broke and they didn’t fix it, some other boom car stereo will drive by regularly enough. God will see to it. It’s in my cards. I’m destined to be forever stuck with these stereos and eventually, they’ll get tougher and tougher and louder and louder, so it’ll be as loud as it was in Phoenix without having to drive right up to the house. The good thing about it is that because they have to drive so slow on these bumpy roads (some of them are graded well enough to go 65 MPH on and some aren’t and you have to creep) is that I’ve got a good two minutes or so warning when they’re approaching. I can hear them for a couple of minutes before they get up to the house. Plenty of time to be waiting for them. What’s to say they can’t have a little meeting with me? Hee, hee! I told Tom I wasn’t kissing ass out here and I meant it. I’ll take care of anyone or anything that becomes a problem around here. I lived how others lived in Phoenix, but this time around, we’re gonna do things my way. So, come July 1st, when they’re still banging by like Tom says they won’t be, I’ll arrange a private little get-together with these cocks.

Tomorrow, Tom’s going to meet Mary and Dave at Fry’s Electronics store and pick us out a new TV all the while they get badgered and harassed by salespeople. I opted to stay home since I can’t stand crowds and pesky, pushy sales reps. Mary and Dave are going to waste their time and gas following Tom home to help him carry in the TV. I appreciate their taking the time to be helpful, and I know Mary’s old-fashioned in the sense that she thinks men should do the carrying, but I’m just as capable as any of the guys. I can help my husband myself just fine.

Later…

Our blasting boys haven’t been by again yet. They probably went into the city to do some drug dealing or to get wasted at a friend’s house, but they’ll return at some point today. At least they won’t be in and out every 45 minutes like the Mexicans were. The only thing that makes no sense is that so far I haven’t heard them more than once in a day. Well, wouldn’t I have to hear them at least twice if they went out once; when they left and when they returned? Maybe I was listening to music and missed one of their attention calls.

When I called Tom in to check them out as they were going by the bedroom, he tried to convince me that he couldn’t hear their music, but he had to have heard it. Why does he do these things; try to tell me something is when it really isn’t, or vice versa? He’d have to be deaf not to hear it, even if it wasn’t nearly as loud as in Phoenix. He also tried to tell me a few times he didn’t see or hear the sickos when I knew that couldn’t be.

Later…

I just looked back, and if this is the same car I’ve been hearing, we heard them on April 15th, then again on May 7th, then nearly every day since the 21st. Sounds like someone started visiting someone then moved in with them, or was having a place prepped and now they’re fully moved in. This proves Tom doesn’t know what he’s talking about if it truly is the same stereo, but we’ll see for sure over the next few weeks. I think it’ll be an everyday thing until I put a stop to it, and believe me, I’m only too happy to do so!

Later…

I can’t believe this dryer doesn’t buzz when it stops. It’s a pretty good dryer too, that you’d think would have that, but it doesn’t.

Tom’s dozed off on the couch right now. Let me guess – tomorrow evening we’ll get together for a boring, predictable round of sex, huh? And let me guess some more – he’ll either not want to go inside, or he will, but he won’t cum, right?

Life may be full of surprises, but our sex certainly isn’t!

Later…

Haven’t heard anything else, but the long weekend is still young, and the day is still early. If people are gonna blast music, they’re likely not to start till nighttime when the weather’s cooler and they can open their windows and doors to let the sound out.

I can’t wait to finally send these pictures off to Tammy, Doe and Art and to be done with them. I just want to rub this new house and things like that in their faces, and I can’t wait to send off Larry and his associate’s mail, too. Wish I could be there to see his reaction! The last time I said I was sending shit to people he knows, I bluffed him. So, just when he thinks I wouldn’t do that, here he’ll be getting two phone calls all about the mail they received. I just hope they read it to him or at least tell him the contents of the letter in enough detail. And I hope to hell he hears that tape, too. I wonder if he’ll try to do something about it like look up those with my last name in Phoenix and send them mail. Well, if he does, he’ll have an awful lot of mail to send out, cuz there’s a zillion people with my name. He does what he does, but nothing he can do can get to me the way I can get to him. What can he do? Take me to court? Have me thrown in jail? The funny farm? There’s just nothing he can do. This isn’t mail between non-related people where a white person refers to blacks and Mexicans using nasty words, after being harassed by them with noise. The police are gonna give him the same brush-off they gave me if he goes to them as when I tried to call his local police department and bitch about him making prank calls to me. They’re less hesitant to get involved when it’s family, and all they’ll do is tell him what they told me – she’s on the other side of the country. The cop I spoke to did say he’d call him and tell him to knock it off, but I don’t believe for a minute that he really did. Of course, there’s always the chance that Larry recognizes my handwriting on the envelope, although I tried to disguise it, and ditches it right then and there. Who knows? He may even be afraid to bother opening things with no return address. Whatever happens - the ball’s now in my court and I hold the threat over him. He’s completely powerless against me. There’s nothing he can do to ruin me or hurt me in any way, but there’s plenty I could do to him.

Later…

Not surprisingly, Dan’s place is all lit up. If he’s blaring music, I wouldn’t know it, cuz I have my own on right now.

Thank God I’m not in Phoenix!

Later…

Just added Jenny’s father to my mailing list. Yeah, I went online and looked up her last name and of course Jenny wasn’t listed, but her father was. He’s in the same house they’ve been in for nearly 20 years in West Springfield. Her father has got to be really old now. I know her folks were older than mine. He must be in his 70s. Anyway, the idea is to piss both Jenny and Larry off with my sending the letter to him. I not only hope Jenny will read the letter, but I’m sure she will unless her dad gets so disgusted that he tears it to shreds. Anyway, I bet on the odds of her reading it and wrote at the end of the letter: shame on you for reading your dad’s mail, Jenny! The worst thing that could happen to me for this is that they send me a letter about it to our old address which will get forwarded, of course, and which I’ll have returned to sender. I’ll recognize their handwriting, and of course, they wouldn’t put a return address on the thing. God, on the other hand, is gonna get me good for this, but it’ll be worth it.

FRIDAY, MAY 26, 2000 The Memorial Day weekend is starting early from what I heard. When I got up at 10:00 and turned off the fan I could hear the faint beat of music and I was like – you gotta be kidding me! Thanks, God. Thanks a real lot. I expected music tonight, Saturday night and Sunday night, but Friday morning? Anyway, it only lasted two minutes and again, I’m virtually certain it was that boom car stereo Tom says can’t live out here. Well, it probably doesn’t or else I’d hear it every day, but it sure visits a lot. The reason I’m sure it was a car is because of the way the volume faded in and out and because it only lasted a couple of minutes. Usually, when someone turns on a house stereo or radio, it’s for more than a couple of minutes. Again, I’m pretty sure it was coming from the front, too. I just thank God we’re not in Phoenix, but of course there wasn’t too much of a ruckus from the Mexicans last Memorial Day weekend. That’s because they weren’t there yet. I remembered after my last entry that they didn’t move in till June 1st. So, in less than a week they’ll have been freeloading it for one year. Well, in the house, that is. I’m sure they’ve been on welfare and ripping the state off for years.

I see Gophie now, so I’m gonna go give her a bite to eat.

Later…

Gave her some lettuce this time around. It was last week’s lettuce for the animals that are just starting to wilt and it’s more than she can eat, but maybe the rabbits will eat it, too. It’s biodegradable, so it’s OK. Whatever doesn’t get eaten will dry up and disintegrate like old leaves. She just popped up out of her hole and is attacking the lettuce now. She’s gotten to be more trusting. She used to stay in her hole for about fifteen minutes after I’d return to the house after dumping her some food, but now she’s back out in five minutes. I put the lettuce by her hole, but not too close to it in case there’s a snake that may jump out at me, although I doubt she’d be near where a snake was. Still, I always take precautions. Anyway, it’s cute how she jumps out of her hole, runs and grabs a piece of lettuce, then runs to eat it by her hole so she can hop down into it if something dangerous comes by.

Speaking of a certain indoor pet that just won’t stay home, Houdini is the perfect name for him. Sometimes you’ve got to have a pet for a while to come up with the best name for them. Well, Houdini certainly suits this guy. I put him in the big cage last night, along with Ratsy, figuring that even though he is growing, he could still escape, but probably wouldn’t do so till after I went to bed. This time, though, I put food and water outside the cage for him, lifted Ciara’s outer skirts, and blocked off the retreat and my office. Sure enough, I found him in his favorite spot in the closet when I got up, then I put him back in the big cage. He didn’t fight me, either. He let me pick him right up. Because rats are normally nocturnal, including this one, I figured he’d sleep and not escape again till tonight, but I was wrong about that. I walked by a little later and found him sitting by his cage, and boy did he want to play! He ran around his cage and climbed around and under me. I put him back in the cage and found him out again when I was on my way to pee. I went and peed, which he had to follow me to do, then decided it was time to tank him. He’s still wound up too, running on the wheel. I don’t know what’s got him all hyped up today.

There’s a quail hanging out by the bush the iguanas used to live under. Now they seem to be living under the bush by the bedroom.

They still haven’t updated Carol’s schedule and I don’t know if they’re going to do it later today or if they’re going to do it later this month. The last time they updated it, they did it on the 26th. Maybe they don’t do it the same day every month.

Later…

My God! Today this rat’s as dayturnal as Gophie and gerbils are. I just put him back in the big cage to see what he would do. He escaped instantly and ran under the bed, which I shooed him out of, and into the closet to his favorite spot behind my guitars. Then I made sure he heard my footsteps walking away, then quickly and quietly I tiptoed back and lay on the bed where I could see under the closet door. I wanted to see if he’d stay there and go to sleep, or if he wanted to explore. As I figured he would, he stuck his head out from under the door and saw me right away. Then I went into the closet cuz he had run back to his hiding spot. I sat down on the floor and he walked up to me. Then I picked him up and re-tanked him. He’s still too hyped up to go to sleep anywhere.

I forgot to mention the dream I had earlier. I dreamt I weighed 115 pounds. Is this a sign of weight loss to come? Well if it is, it hasn’t happened yet cuz I’m still 122 pounds. The thing about it is that I dreamt about gaining weight before I gained it the first time around, after quitting smoking. I think I had dreams about losing it too, before I lost it, although I can’t remember for sure. I’m not going to get my hopes up, but we’ll just see what happens. At this point, especially after working out now for nearly 7 weeks, I think I’ll always bounce between 122-125 and that I’ll never lose the 2 inches from my thighs and the 3 inches from my tits and hips and the 6 inches from my waist that I’d like to lose.

Later…

This has been the most erratic period I’ve ever had, with such a slow start and a slow ending. Never have I had such intermittent cramps, bleeding and spotting. It starts and stops, starts and stops. Since when do I spot for a few days after my period? That’s something I usually do before my period. Maybe this is when God has something go wrong so I need a hysterectomy. Or maybe this really is normal for me. Who knows? I still don’t get why it was so important to God that I ended up with a man if he knew he didn’t want me to have kids. Not that I regret meeting and marrying Tom for an instant, but why was my true love fated to be a man? Why couldn’t I have had what I have with Tom with a woman? I’m sure I’ll wonder about this for the rest of my life.

I think I’ll go see if the new schedule is posted yet, but I doubt I’ll be able to get online. Between noon and 9 PM, getting online is impossible.

Later…

Cool! For the first time ever, I see three Gophies out there! Two big ones and a baby one. No wonder all that lettuce got eaten so fast.

It’s a scorcher out there now at 112 degrees. Gonna try again to get online to get the schedule, but I doubt I can get on now.

His mom offered to pay for us to have the trailer moved out here, making it more possible. How generous! That’d be wonderful of her.

Later…

Yes! Office Killer and When a Stranger Calls Back are on this month (got the schedule a couple of hours ago)!

THURSDAY, MAY 25, 2000 Tomorrow I should be able to get Carol Kane’s TV schedule for June. Please be on, Office Killer and When a Stranger Calls Back!

UPS delivered Tom’s award from work. A giant portfolio.

Larry’s not going to be a happy camper. Again, I acknowledge and admit the fact that this was very childish and immature of me, not to mention a waste of time if he doesn’t listen to it, but I couldn’t resist making that tape I mentioned where I told him just what I felt about him. If he does listen to it, he’ll be shocked at some of the things I had to say. I also looked up D online and found two listings in the area. The one in East Longmeadow is Sandy’s parents, which I verified by calling last night. I called and a woman answered. I asked for Clara and she said, “Yeah,” then I mumbled Larry and Sandy’s names and hung up.

I’m sure she called them to see if they were OK. There was an Agawam listing for a James D and I’m pretty sure that’s Sandy’s brother. They’ll both be getting similar letters all about what a fucking asshole Larry is. I know they’ll tell Larry that they got their letters. That’s a done deal. But will they show it to him or read it to him? I hope so! I also hope he’ll want to listen to the tape to see what I might be saying to other people, but with my shit luck, Larry just won’t be that curious and will never read one word of the letters or hear one word of the tape. That doesn’t change the principle of the point – letting him know I’m still out here, still hate his guts, and that I’ll always be a problem for him. Hell, he’s lucky, cuz I’d be more than just an annoyance for him if we lived close to each other. I’d be his worst nightmare! Me sending the letters to these people, even if he’s not exactly close to these people, should piss him the fuck off. As much as I’m anxious to get these letters and the tape off in the mail, I’ll probably wait till I send Dureen, Art and Tammy their pictures. If I send the tape and letters now, it may cause Dureen and Art not to even open my mail if they get that pissed over it, cuz you know Larry’s gonna call them and bitch about it that very day. They may not have the guts at that point to open any mail from me for fear of what may be enclosed. That’s OK. I don’t mind waiting. Good things are worth waiting for.

Later…

Fucking Cybertrails! They’re as bad as AOL was for a while. Most of the time I can’t get online. I’ll try around midnight tonight. Hopefully, I’ll not only be able to get on then, but I’ll be able to get the schedule, too.

It’s 86 degrees outside and 82 degrees inside. It doesn’t feel like it’s that much in here, though. It feels like it’s 75 degrees in here.

I had a craving for fruit so I had Tom get me watermelon, strawberries, blueberries, and kiwi when he stopped at the store. The kiwis are a bitch to peel. No wonder I don’t get them that often.

Thank God we won’t be in Phoenix for this 3-day Memorial Day weekend that’s coming up. Thank God! How I dreaded this particular holiday in Phoenix! Although the Mexicans were quiet for the last Memorial Day weekend they were next to us, and I don’t remember too much of a ruckus from the blacks. Even so, I don’t expect this place to be without music. The only difference is that I’ll hear the beat of the music faintly. It won’t sound like someone’s trying to hammer our walls down. And I won’t be able to hear any people or dogs. Just the beat of Dan’s music. Or someone else’s. Probably Dan’s, though.

Well, I don’t feel like reading, I don’t feel like working on another story, I don’t have anything more to say here, I don’t have any letters to do, there’s nothing on TV at the moment I care to see, so I’ll go row. I may even work out too, although today’s not a workout day. I’m just so glad I’ve finally found something I can stick to. It may not bring me the results I’d like, but it’s still something I can stick to. I got so sick of the floor work after a few weeks or so and just totally lost interest and motivation.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24, 2000 Oh, that fucking spit doctor! He just doesn’t give up. Like he needs any more money than he’s got? The cock that cleaned my ear out is still trying to bill us for it yet it was supposed to be covered by our insurance. Tom called them once or twice and told them it was an insured appointment, they said they “screwed up their billing,” but they keep billing us. Well, we’re not paying for something we don’t owe money on, that’s for sure. And I don’t believe they “screwed up their billing.” I think they deliberately bill people for stuff they’re insured for to try to make an extra buck, hoping some sucker will get fed up with the bills and collection agency letters and just pay the damn thing, but their scam won’t work on us.

What was weird was that I not only got a letter about it from a collection agency, but I got a certified letter. I never got the letter, though, cuz they sent it back. They try a couple of times to get the letter to you, but when that doesn’t work they give up and send the letter back. I didn’t get it because Tom didn’t go to pick up the mail on the days they tried to get it to me, but that’s OK, I’m not interested. I found it strange that they’d send a certified letter and not just a regular letter. Since when do collection agencies send certified letters? Tom said he’s sure that’s who the letter is from and he pointed out how there was no return on the envelope of the regular letter or the slip for the certified letter. I hope he’s right, cuz those freeloaders have me so paranoid (even though I haven’t done a damn thing to these shitfucks). Especially when they’ve got cops on their side like Mr. Biased who wouldn’t believe a damn thing I told him, anyway. He never wanted to see the truth as to which one of us was really the victim. Tom said not to worry and that if it was anything official, I wouldn’t be getting a certified letter over it.

Evelyn left a message for me to call her, saying Ma wanted to talk to me, and I was like – what could she possibly want to talk to me about? Anyway, I called her (I must’ve had the music blaring when she called) and Evelyn answered. I apologized for getting hysterical on her yesterday and she was like – no problem, and even gave me her home phone number. It’s funny to think that of all the people Evelyn hates, which is almost everyone, she likes me. I can see her liking Tom like she does, but me? When Tom told me what she was like, I expected to be the last person she’d like. Anyway, she handed Ma the phone and she thanked me for the letter and I was like – oh yeah! I forgot about that. Evelyn told Tom that she thought it would be nice if Ma got letters so I typed her one. She thanked me for the letter and told me that she was going to be checking out that adult daycare center. I hope she likes it, but I worry about her. I just get very nervous when I think of hospitals, daycare, nursing homes, schools, etc. There’s always some hotshot on power-play.

I’ve devised a self-help plan regarding my rage over Larry. I’m hoping this will be very therapeutic for me. For some reason, I just can’t seem to get over how furious I am at that sick cock. I just want to kill him! I want to break his and Bill’s neck so fucking bad. They need to be taken down a peg or two by a female and I’m just the bitch to do it. They are so lucky I don’t live there! Anyway, I’m speaking my feelings into a tape just as if I were talking to his face and I plan on mailing this tape to him at some point. I just wish I could know he’d listen to it, but I doubt he’ll have the guts to hear me out. I’m sure that as soon as he hears my voice he’ll ditch the tape. I’m still gonna send it anyway and make sure I don’t put enough postage on the envelope so he has to pay to get the tape, hee, hee! I won’t waste my time praying to God for him to listen to the tape, because just like 99% of my prayers, he’ll only ignore me. He obviously ignored me when I begged for the freeloaders to read my mail. There’s no way those freeloaders would read my mail first, then call the cops. It’d take people like this, who are slower and dumber than your average person, weeks to read through all that shit. They can barely write, so imagine how long it’d take them to read about 200 pages! Anyway, even if the cock doesn’t listen to me tell him what a lying little wimp he is, it’ll still feel good to make the tape and make him pay for it, too.

Later…

We put up this really neat thing that his mom gave us. She used it in her old house, I guess. It’s a digital thermostat that tells you both the inside and outside temperatures. We used the Mexicans’ half-assed ways to our advantage. They didn’t seal up the back door very well, so we were able to run the wire out through the door without crushing it. That wire needs to be outside to sense the outside temp.

I forgot to say that I’m back to 122 pounds, but it’s not encouraging, believe me. I know I’ll be back to 125 pounds soon enough.

TUESDAY, MAY 23, 2000 I’m a bit rundown now. Something just hasn’t wanted me to sleep without interruptions these last couple of nights. The night before last, cramps woke me up. Last night I was up for an hour with cramps too, and then I woke up for a second at 8:00. I would’ve gone right back to sleep if I hadn’t noticed that the power was out. I wasn’t planning to get up till 9:30. The first thing I thought was – oh no! Tom forgot to pay them or couldn’t pay them and now the power will be off all day and I won’t be able to reach him for hours and it’ll get to be a sauna in here! And what if we lose the phone, too? Well, I never did reach him, but fortunately, it wasn’t turned off for lack of payment. It was off all over Maricopa. Since I couldn’t reach Tom or fucking APS, I called Mary’s. I expected to get Mom because Tom told me Evelyn was going to stop staying with Mom during the daytime and that Mom would be going into an adult daycare center, but Evelyn answered. I told her that I couldn’t reach Tom or APS and that I feared they shut us off, but she was the one who got through to APS somehow and found out that they were having problems in the area and that it wasn’t just us. So I was without power for nearly an hour. Then again, a couple of hours later, it went out for about ten minutes. Due to the loss of power, it shot the well, so now I have no water, but I can certainly live without that compared to the AC. Of course I’ve had to piss and shit like hell since I can’t flush the toilets. Hopefully, they won’t back up once the water’s on again. I wish there was an easier way to reach Tom!!! He might be able to tell me how to reset the fucking pump. Anyway, I don’t want to get into too much computer work in case the power fails again.

For now, I’ll just say that I put Fudgie back in the big cage yesterday and let him escape since he doesn’t seem to be harming anything. I really think he goes under the couch. He escaped sometime after I went to bed at 12:30 just like the night before, and Tom and I noticed he was gone at 3:30. He should be getting hungry for lunch soon, or rather a midnight snack, for being the nocturnal creature that he is. Anyway, when I found him gone I put Ratsy in the tank since I don’t want him loose too, cuz he chews more than Fudgie. After putting Ratsy in the tank, I opened the door to the big cage so he can get in when he wants to go home.

Later…

Tom showed me how to record a macro so I could insert the time with just two keystrokes that I hit at once. Ctrl+8 is for the time and ctrl+9 is for the date and time. In the other program, I recorded a macro for the ½ sign, but this program automatically inserts the ½ sign when you type 1-slash-2. It also makes the ‘st’ of 1st smaller and the ‘rd’ of 3rd smaller. Yes, I like this version much better. I just need a new mouse. I miss having the motion wheel.

I took a nap for an hour or two. Hopefully, I’ll still be able to go to bed around midnight and sleep straight through till around 9:00 without interruptions.

Earlier, I heard a boom car stereo go by for the second night in a row, but I never did see the car. Tom still insists they can’t live out here because they can’t take the vibrations of the bumpy dirt roads, but obviously they can, although it may be someone who just visits someone else frequently. Nonetheless, I heard it and I’m sure it was from a car and not from a house. God, what am I going to do when they get more and more frequent?! They may not be able to get as close to me as they used to, but when they progress a little more and get even louder, that’ll make up for the difference. When it comes to these things I wish I was born earlier than the mid-60s. The turn of the century would’ve been nice. Then I could be dead or close to it when the damn things came out. People get worse and worse and pushier and pushier when it comes to doing their thing. They get more and more selfish and more and more desperate for attention. I saw a case on Cops the other night where a baby’s parents took it to a bar. Then the parents had an argument and they ended up outside in an alley. At one point, the mother handed the baby to a homeless bum so she could fight with her husband. My point? My point is that these are the kinds of people that are becoming parents more and more often. Eventually, all parents will be like them. Well, this baby – these are the kinds of kids that grow up to be the selfish losers like what we had to live next to for years. This neglected baby is going to grow up wanting to be heard, to be noticed, to seek the acknowledgment of its existence. It’ll do anything for attention. Just like a religious fanatic wants to spread God’s so-called holy word to as many people as possible, these fucks want to spread their music to as many people as possible. The best way to reach more people with noise is with music. I mean, what else are they gonna do? Stand out on a street corner and yell? That’d get some attention, but not as much as a moving car would with music blasting from it that’s way louder than a person’s voice. Anyway, it’s quiet here 99% of the time. The best thing about the power failure, which makes a house dead quiet, is not having to listen to barking dogs, let alone noisy blacks and Mexicans. You rarely hear dogs in here, thank God. They haven’t even been booming in the sky. It’d be nice if they only did that January 1st – March 15th every year, but fat chance. I’m sure they alternate flying schedules. Maybe they’ll start again on June 1st, which may be a good thing. It may help me stay on schedule till my next appointment.

I finally got a hold of Tom at work around noon and he came home to reset the well, which shuts itself off after a power failure. I tried to do it myself, but the buttons are fucked up thanks to when it shorted out before. Thanks, Dan, you mother-fucking cock! Will there ever be a day when I don’t want to kill Steven and Dan? I doubt it!

He reminded me that I could’ve called his old work number, cuz there’s always someone there that could go get him in an emergency. I did call that number, but it was busy. Maybe I dialed wrong.

Another thing Tom pointed out is that due to this house being so well insulated, it wouldn’t kill me if I had no AC all day. It’d get uncomfortable, but not to the point where I’d roast to death.

Anyway, I learned a lesson from this, which he pointed out – don’t attempt to take a shower after a power failure cuz that’ll just drain all the water from the pressure tank. If I don’t, then I can flush the toilet 20-30 times. Having two toilets helped so I could divvy up my peeing between the two, trying to use as little toilet paper as possible, although if I’d had to do them all in one, it wouldn’t have backed up.

Fudgie, whose nickname is Houdini, after the famous escapist magician, lost his freedom today. I discovered one of his hiding places, which neither of us was too surprised about since it’s close to where I sleep. I still think he may have gone under the couch, but he was definitely hanging out in the corner of the master closet behind the guitars. He chewed the toe up on one of my old ballet slippers, which I thought was no big deal. I simply moved the good shoes up to the shelves. But then the little devil had the nerve to chew holes in the airbed, so that was it. He’s in the tank till he can’t squeeze through the bars. I also think it’s best that he remains in captivity so he doesn’t get too used to being free and less and less wanting to be handled by me and to play with me. I want him to want to hang out with me too, and not just to want to explore.

MONDAY, MAY 22, 2000 Two nights ago I put Ratsy and Fudgie in the big barred cage, but when I got up this morning just before 9:00, I noticed that Fudgie escaped. I should’ve known he was still too skinny! I haven’t seen that little devil, whom I’m guessing is asleep under the couch, but come tonight when he gets hungry and thirsty, I expect I’ll see him. At least he’s not a chewer and hasn’t damaged any wires.

I’m not even stuck and I’m back to 125 pounds. I feel like a giant balloon! I don’t know if it’s water or what, but this period has been super screwy. I woke up with cramps today but never bled a drop. My tits are still a little sore too, so when am I gonna flow out and be done with this shit for the month? I hate having these periods be such long, drawn-out ordeals. Can’t I just get my period? Just simply get it? Better yet, how about a hysterectomy? Why not, God? You and I both know I don’t need my uterus.

Later…

Well, I’m not stuck anymore. Still 125, though. Why is it so natural for me to be 20-25 pounds overweight? Why??? Stupid question, I know. Just about everyone who’s over 30 is overweight. Although I knew it wouldn’t, it still would’ve been nice if I could’ve lost weight and inches with the Bowflex, but if I bounce back and forth between 122-125 it’ll be better than going over 125. Same with the 1-2 inches I bounce between. Better my thighs go bouncing between 22-23 than to wake up one day with 25” or even 30” thighs!

The only way I could lose weight would be to starve it off, but what’s the point? If I were 110 tomorrow, I’d be back to where I am now in a few weeks, so why bother?

I know it’s daytime, but it kind of bothers me that I haven’t seen Fudgie. I’d like to believe he’s under the couch, sleeping happily and comfortably till he gets hungry enough to show himself, but why do I have the feeling I’ll never see him again, and that if I do, he won’t be alive? God, please don’t take this rat! At least not so soon!

Later…

Fudgie’s home! I just got up to head into the kitchen for coffee when I saw him at his bowl eating. I had moved Ratsy into the tank and left the door open to the big cage so he could get food and drinks. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, in light of losing Scuttles so soon, but man is this rat scrawny! I hope it’s nothing bad and that he fattens up soon.

I see Gophie out front playing right now. Now that my inside pets are situated, I think I’ll go out and give her a bite to eat.

Later…

It’s hot out there. I don’t know how hot since as usual, I’m having trouble getting online.

I took down the flag wall I made. Tom climbed the ladder and tacked the top row of flags up, and I only had to climb about three rungs of that shaky ladder, fortunately, and could just yank the flags off the wall. It was just too much. Too tacky looking. The beach scene mural will look a lot nicer.

I guess I’m officially moved over here and done with the 1992 version of this program that had been such a good friend of mine for so long. Another thing I like about this program is that I can use more than eight characters for file names.

Later…

Tom called about a half-hour ago, saying he was leaving work. Last night he told me it’d be a late day for him, but because his boss doesn’t want him working overtime, he gets to leave work early later on in the week.

Oh, how cute. Gophie’s out front running back and forth. I wonder – is this the same animal I’ve been seeing and feeding? Or are there other Gophies? I get the feeling this is the same one because I’ve never seen more than one Gophie at once.

I changed the mice’s cages earlier. I’m trying to change all the animals on Mondays and Thursdays instead of just Mondays. Although I always have the group of six mice in a large tank, I always do a different tube design. This time around I have a tower of straight tubes sticking off of T-tubes at different angles, stemming up from the bass of the tank.

I guess Fudgie could live like a cat if he’s not going to chew and damage anything. Or decide to go pissing and shitting wherever he felt like it. If I left the cage door open, he could come and go as he pleases, using his cage as a litter box and for food and drink. Ratsy, on the other hand, is a chewer, so unless I want to separate them, which I don’t, I better keep the door shut. Maybe I’ll separate them sometimes and let Fudgie run around loose for a while. Maybe tonight, before bed, I’ll stick him in the big cage, and then let him escape for a while.

SUNDAY, MAY 21, 2000 I’m experimenting with and trying to get to like this newer, more modern word processor I’m using. I like how it automatically caps the first letter after a period and the I’s in words like I’m, I’ll, etc. This word processor is three years old and the one I’ve been using all along is eight years old. It has all the functions the other one had, plus some new features that are hard to figure out, but I’m working on it. This is the word processor we’re going to use to send my story to publishers.

Paula definitely had to have lost her phone for her not to have called this long. I’m rather disappointed that she never sent me the letter and picture she said she was going to send. Why does she have to be such a bullshitter? Maybe something happened to her, though. Maybe she punched someone else out and is in jail, or maybe she got killed. In my next letter to her, I’ll say something about stopping my letters in case something happened where she wasn’t getting my mail, and see if that prompts her into writing.

Dan’s got his place lit up and has his music on. This time it’s softer than last Sunday night and I can just ever so barely make it out. This is one lonely, dude. I said to myself – I’ll bet come Sunday evening, after spending the whole weekend alone with no one to talk to, he’s gonna get desperate for attention and play his music when it cools down. Well, I was right. I guess I know a lonely person when I see one. I’m amazed he isn’t engine-gunning. Other than that, it’s been a quiet, peaceful weekend. I finally get to live the way I want to live and the way that should be my right to live if I want to – in peace. I’ll enjoy every second I get of it! It’s so wonderful not knowing next door’s habits and who they have for visitors and when they have them. It ain’t my business and I don’t want to know!

On the wall in my office where I intend to put that beach mural, one of these years, I hung two rows of flags. Two rows of three. I’ve got irises, Tweety, an underwater fish, Bugs Bunny, Snoopy, and musical notes. Personally, I think it looks sort of tacky. Especially with Indian dolls in front of it. I may take it down. We’ll see.

I’m having one of those screwy periods that are slow in starting. I had spots, then a light flow, and now I’m waiting on my full flow. I thought that was coming on early cuz I got all crampy and asked Tom for a raincheck on sex if he had any plans for that today. No problem, he said. He took it so well as usual. I guess this means we’ll have to wait till next weekend since he doesn’t really like sex during the week, even if he won’t admit this. If I’m right, and I’m only going by his actions, cuz actions do speak louder than words – what’s the big deal? Why can’t he just admit he likes sex on the weekend? And at the end of his day? He seems to copycat me, though. Meaning that when I bail out of sex for whatever reason, he does the same thing. So, next weekend, he may bail out. Better yet, my guess is that we’ll get in bed together, but we won’t screw. Something will happen where he’ll conveniently forget how to go inside me, or I’ll be too dry, or he’ll be sore, tired, or curious about what’s going on outside. One or the other will happen for sure, but he’ll bail out. I’d bet my dolls on it.

SATURDAY, MAY 20, 2000 My hair is the healthiest it’s been in over a decade. I certainly don’t have any split ends anymore. Maybe a few, but they’d be hard to find, just like it used to be hard to find any that weren’t.

I couldn’t have been righter when I told Tom in Phoenix that old curses never die, and that we’d be playing leak in no time at all after moving. This is leak number three already! Those mother-fuckers at Palm Harbor! Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh! They’ve got two marks against them. They’re males (mostly) and they’re Mexicans. I love this house, but I totally regret not taking Tom’s suggestion and getting out of Phoenix sooner than we did. I didn’t know, though, that we’d have to go through the four months of bullshit we went through, although I should’ve known, and I didn’t know the house would be made in Mexico! We should’ve cut our freeloader time down, skipped out on the freeloaders altogether, and left Phoenix sooner. We could’ve gotten land and a cheap trailer like what we’re getting from Evelyn and lived in that while we built a house for us and built it right. These fucking Mexicans half-assed so many fucking things with this house, it’s fucking pitiful! The leak we had under the house the first night we were in here, though, was Brian’s fault (always a fucking male), but the half-assed tightening of the pipes under the kitchen and second bath sinks were completely Mexicans-made. Tom just discovered the second bath’s sink leaks and believes this may be the cause of the foul odor we’ve smelled in there. Now why can’t these lazy bastards do something as simple as tightening a valve all the way, huh? Is this really that difficult to do? Pathetic people do pathetic things. Anyway, even Mary was astounded. She was like - you mean you’re fixing leaks on a brand-new house?! Yup. And I’m sure we’ll be fixing something else they’ve fucked up real soon. Anyway, I’d like to know what’s causing the foul odor in the master bath. So far, I amazingly can’t find any leaks in there yet, although this odor is different. The second bath smelled kind of like the smell of hair dye that hits you went you walk into a salon. The one in the master bath smells like seaweed. I’ll keep an eye on it, but it looks like they may have left us one area that actually doesn’t leak. What’s next, though? The toilets? The dishwasher? What?

Household problems aren’t the only unfortunate vibes I have. Right now, I have the feeling we’re not getting a printer in June like we had hoped and talked about. Something does not want me sending pictures to Doe, Art and Tammy. Tom said he’s not ready to give up on it and I told him that I was, so when he sees that I’m right, don’t beat yourself up for it, I said. It’s not your fault. You know whose fault it is.

Steven and Dan, you lucky, lucky mother-fuckers! They’re just as lucky as Bill and Larry and so many others for escaping my fists. How I’d love to scar up Steven’s face so that every time he looked in the mirror, he remembered me!!!

Well, I’ve been working out for six weeks now and where do I stand? Really close to where I started. My starting measurements were 37-29-38 with 22½ thighs. Now they’re 36½-29-37 with 22 thighs. Big deal, huh? Although I suppose it’s better than nothing. I still think I’ll always fluctuate between weighing 122-125 pounds and an inch or so in measurements, but he says that in time, if I stick to working out, I’ll fluctuate between smaller numbers. That’s OK. I can accept maintaining what I’ve got. I mean, at least I can maintain and never have to worry about getting bigger. Carrying 20 extra pounds for the rest of my life won’t kill me. There are worse things than that. Also, I’m glad I finally found something I can enjoy sticking to. I can’t imagine life without the Bowflex! I’m 122 pounds today, but today I can’t shit, so I’m sure I’ll be gaining. Last week I was stuck for four days and ended up going from 122-125. I hope I’m not stuck that long, but if I am, I am. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Tonight’s the night Tom and I agreed we’d sleep together, but I have a feeling that if I don’t mention it, he won’t either, so we’ll see. I’m not going to mention it because I want to see how much it matters to him. I don’t want to push him into doing something he doesn’t want to do. As for me, you know I hate sharing a bed so I can live without us sleeping together. I wake up at the slightest movement, and his snoring is horrendous. What’s important is that we love each other and stay together forever.

We were going to go to where he works together today, but he didn’t need to work, so we visited Mary, Dave and Mom today, stopping at Circle K first.

Her evaporative cooler felt nice. I miss those things. We were there for a little over two hours and made sure not to arrive till Pepper was gone. They brought him to be groomed. It was nice not having him out back barking his ass off. All I had to listen to at times was their obnoxious birds. The hamster and fish are quiet, though.

Before we left I copied a few pictures for them onto a floppy. Pictures of the snake, the iguana, the scorpion, and the outfits we made for Bailey.

We all watched the Preakness horse race on TV (boring) and Mary and Dave went out to get pizza at one point, too. Dave and I teased Tom and Mary for liking pepperoni pizza and they ranked on us for liking mushroom pizza. I had two pieces which fortunately didn’t fuck up my stomach.

While Mary and Dave were getting the pizza, Mom said, “Have you seen the really cute commercial? The one where a woman’s having a baby and out pops a Japanese baby?”

I’m like - oh, please! I’m so sick of commercials, movies and shows with that shit. I’ve seen childbirth on TV more than murder!

Speaking of TV, I guess part of the reason we’re not getting the printer in June is my fault. I mentioned how our TV is a little small and definitely too dark since it’s very old. Well, they took this to mean more than just a casual comment. I guess I came off as not being able to live without a good TV. I said something about the TV a few times and they ended up calling us once we got home offering to buy us a new TV for our anniversary unless we could think of something we wanted more. Well, I want a new printer more than a new TV, but a new TV would certainly be nice. Very nice, and I know Tom would love it because he said he wants a TV more than a printer and because of how much he loves TV. He spends 90% of the time he’s home watching TV, I sometimes feel I have to compete with it and that he doesn’t want to spend time with me. There’s not much we could do together, though. He doesn’t like sex all that much and we can’t go swimming together, that’s for sure. Anyway, I have mixed emotions about them getting us a TV, which is so generous of them to offer. I want Tom to have what he wants, but like he said, I threw a monkey wrench in his plan. He was hoping for more money than usual for our anniversary cuz Ma’s upping the amount of money she’s giving people to avoid us being taxed when she dies, and now we may not get that if we get the TV. If I was smart, I’d drop the idea of sending pictures to people, like I said before. If I’m right about something not wanting me to do it, and it gets more and more obvious that that’s the case, I don’t want to get in trouble over people I can’t stand anyway. I only wanted to rub it in their faces (the new house, etc.), but not that bad. They’re not that worth it, trust me.

Mary’s yard looked great. She’s got those wildflowers at the side of her house, a pretty primrose bush in front, a rose bush, a tall palm tree, etc. We can’t plant things here from seed because of how the wildlife eats them, but hopefully we won’t have any problems planting things we’ll get from a nursery someday.

Mary told us a cute story about a woman she saw playing with a rat in her car at an intersection. She said it was running around her neck and that the woman was picking it up by the tail and tickling its stomach.

I can’t believe how good Mary’s thighs look for being as overweight as she is. I mean, she’s much bigger than me, and she is overweight, but not like Nora and Evie and so many other women are. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she jogged. Her thighs seem skinnier than mine and firmer. Also, she has no craters on the backs of her thighs like I do. How does she pull it off and eat McDonald’s every day and not exercise?

Later…

Looks like I guessed right. Sleeping together once a week isn’t that important to Tom, or else he’d have remembered our plans. Still, I’m not going to make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, and besides, I doubt I would’ve enjoyed it. I like sleeping with people in my imagination.

I totally dread my next dentist appointment. My teeth are a mess and I’m going to have a dozen cavities! My teeth have even been sensitive to hot and cold lately.

Later…

I decided that once Tom mentioned going to bed and heading towards the guest room, I’d ask if he forgot about our plan, or if it just wasn’t worth remembering. He said he forgets to do things he wants to do all the time. Whatever. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he’d sleep in his room tonight, but that he wanted what we discussed to have time to “sink in.” He said that people usually go to bed around the same time, but not to go to sleep with the hopes of trying not to wake the other person up. He said it’s a shared thing where sometimes you wake each other up, both intentionally and not. Sometimes you just wake each other up by accident, sometimes you deliberately do so to screw, etc. So what do we do from here? I asked him, and he said there were no plans and no steps to take, cuz this is something that just is. Not for us, it isn’t. I think we’d have some work to do in order to make it something that just is if that’s possible, but as I told him, I’ll do what he wants, and whatever’s fated to be will be. I have a feeling, though, that if we try to adapt to new ways, something up in the sky will get awfully mad at us, cuz wouldn’t we have been sleeping together all along if we were meant to in the first place? I told him that the spontaneity of it sounded nice, but if he liked spontaneity, then why does he announce when we’re gonna have sex? He always says something like - let’s get together in ten minutes, or something like that. He said he would prefer to be spontaneous about it and that the reason he announces it is that I’m always saying I’m gonna listen to music, have popcorn, or do something, so he feels that’s the only way to wedge it in. I kind of took that as a lame excuse, though. Yes, I’d like to be left alone when I’m listening to music and yes, I’d like to eat my popcorn in peace, but what about the other things I do? They’re interruptible. I take breaks from the things I do all the time, anyway. If I’m reading in the bedroom, he’s welcome to come in and join me because that book will still be there when we’re done, and I don’t mean just for sex. I mean for anything, be it to chat or whatever. In the end, whatever will be, will be. I still truly believe that. We’ll go where we’re destined to go.

FRIDAY, MAY 19, 2000 Just went out and threw some food out for Gophie. Haven’t seen that snake since I first saw it. I guess it moved on.

Freddie’s gotten to be the fattest mouse I ever had and he’s so lazy, too. I wonder if he doesn’t have tumors.

Anyway, maybe there are still some hard feelings toward Tom. God, all the problems with sex. Sex, sex, sex! Always sex-related! I’m so fucking sick of it! Eliminate all the fights over sex and having a kid and we’d hardly ever fight. At least we don’t fight nearly as much as we used to since I became OK with not having a kid. He’s not only lied about why he doesn’t cum and about wanting a kid, but he also lied about cumming back when I tricked him by playing dumb and commenting on how he came regularly. He was caught red-handed, yet he still had the gall to lie to my face. So, he’s already proven that he’s capable of lying when it’s in his best interest. Aside from his lying about sex and a kid, I appreciate him for a million reasons, but does he fully appreciate me? I’ve done a lot more than just save him time by doing his laundry and cleaning the house. Do you know how many women would’ve left him because of the sex, and mostly because they couldn’t have a child with him? He, right along with God, has taken so much from me, regardless of if I’m OK with it. Not that I desire to leave him or cheat on him, but I’m doomed to a life of shitty sex, when he wants it, how whatever’s up there wants it, with no regard for what I may want, and God help me if I ever want a kid again. Yes, God would see to it that I miscarried as many times as they did an implant in me if I had invitro, but do I really think Tom would ever let me get that far? Right! I’m sure he’d either refuse to cum or tamper with it if he did. If I never mentioned a kid again, neither would he for as long as he lived.

I’m also a little tired of his getting so defensive over simple little comments I may make. Last night I offered to have sex, but he wasn’t in the mood. It wasn’t the weekend. All I said was, “Yeah, I know you’re a weekend kind of guy,” and he was like, “Yeah, well, let me be me.”

Now what did that comment have to do with him being him? All I did was make an observation. Not demand he be somebody else. As far as dominating and controlling the sex, he sure is your average, normal male! Thank God he doesn’t want it just about every day like most males do! That’d really drive me crazy.

Anyway, the reaction to my comment and to a test I ran him through is what upset me most. I said I was thinking of experimenting with calling the gay lines just to see what his reaction would be. Sure enough, he was against it. So, he can do what he wants sexually, but I can’t. It’s amazing he even goes down on me at times. Nonetheless, I would never step out on him and I know it’s a good thing that he objected, and I figured as much, but I just had to see it anyway.

My sex life isn’t over just because of him and his boring bullshit. It’s cuz of me. I just have no interest anymore. The only thing that interests me is to close my eyes and imagine a woman down there while I use the vibrator and this isn’t nearly as often as it used to be, either. It’s just that when you’re dealing with fantasy, and I’ve always felt this way, there are no problems. The vibrator could break, but it doesn’t lie to me and play games. It doesn’t make me feel controlled, manipulated or cheated out of things that should rightfully be mine. So, I guess I was wrong to say I was over my hard feelings towards Tom. Perhaps I never will be and perhaps this is the one thing I can never ever forgive him for. I’m going to try my damnedest, though, not to give him the satisfaction of knowing how I feel, even though I’ve told him. I just don’t want to let it show if I can help it. I’ll just go along with him and let him dictate when and how we have sex. I still could do without a kid, and at the same time I have hard feelings, I want him to be happy and do what he wants more than I want him to change to suit me.

I feel this is more than just a case of his not cumming because he doesn’t want the expense and responsibility of a child and because he doesn’t think I could handle a child (even though he denies all this). I think it’s also about arrogance and stubbornness. It’s like a competition to him that he’s determined to stick to and win. It’s almost like he’s been saying to me all these years, “You got your way with this, this and that, and you’re not getting your way with this one.”

Fine Tom. Just remember - the next time you say you’re bothered by how you are - do something about it or don’t mention it at all.

It’s important that I note that for every time he’s lied about sex and a kid, he’s done and said thousands of wonderful things. I love this man dearly, despite his flaws, and I couldn’t imagine life without him. Even if I returned to wanting a kid really bad and knew I could conceive by a man who’d cum regularly and was attracted to men in general, I’d still give that up in the name of love. I love Tom enough to give up anything I may want that I can’t have with him for whatever the reason may be. I only wish that he’d be honest about things. He should’ve told me up front that he was against cumming and a kid. I still would’ve loved him and stayed with him.

Now, after nearly 7 years of this sexual shit, I’m SICK TO DEATH OF IT!!! So, hopefully, you won’t be hearing much about it from me from here on out. I’m fated for the sex to be how it has been for the rest of my life. Period. Why cry over spilled milk?

Later…

This is just too damn weird! I usually get up around 10:00 these days, but I’ve been up since 7:30 today. That’s because I had a dream someone was knocking on the door and got up and checked to be sure and couldn’t fall back asleep. I didn’t see anyone, and I was sure it was just a dream seeing that I’ve had dreams like this before and how early it was, but now I don’t know. Surprisingly enough, it turns out that Tom had that same exact dream at 2:30 in the morning, 6 hours after going to bed, just like me. I can’t find any other common denominators, though. He said he was sure his was a dream because it didn’t sound real and because of the hour, but this sure is a bizarre coincidence, not to mention the footsteps I could’ve sworn I heard inside the house. Although the animals could’ve easily made this sound, shortly after he went to bed, I went and vegged out in bed with coffee. Well, he sometimes shuffles his feet when he walks. Especially if he’s tired. I could’ve sworn I heard him come shuffling out into the kitchen and fumble around with something in there, be it a glass or whatever, but he says it wasn’t him. If our dreams weren’t dreams, then who the hell would be knocking at the door at such odd hours and why? Burglars don’t make any sense because 2:30 in the morning just isn’t the time to go breaking into houses unless you want to risk getting killed. At 7:30, someone could’ve seen that the car was gone, but if they knocked with plans of breaking in if no one answered, why didn’t they? I peeked out the window cuz I can see the stairs from there. I didn’t see anyone, any fresh tracks, or any cars, so who knows if our dreams were just dreams or not? It’s a hell of a coincidence, though.

The first thing I think when I think of knocks on the door is - oh, no. Somebody did something to the blacks or Mexicans and they don’t know who did, so they’re conveniently naming me just to get at me and just to punish somebody for whatever shit happened to them.

These people are sick enough to do something like that, and besides, this world is so black and white, lacking fairness and gray, balanced areas. Meaning that where whites once had more rights than minorities; now it’s the other way around. You think Mr. Biased would jump to defend a white person being harassed by a black or a Mexican? Somehow, I don’t think so.

THURSDAY, MAY 18, 2000 Yesterday was a major breakthrough as far as any resentment I’ve ever had towards Tom for not cumming. Even though I have long since stopped wanting a kid and although I’ve always known I was sterile, even if doctors could never tell me why, I had conflicting emotions, nonetheless, that I feared would never change. I felt controlled by Tom and I resented his not cumming regularly to let me play things out, despite the inevitable outcome of me never conceiving. I was angry with him for taking the chance to do that away from me. Let’s put it this way, I still feel it was always within his control and that he made the choice not to cum, and I always will feel that way despite how much he denies it. I also don’t buy his feeling bad about it, because if that’s how he really felt, and if he really had a problem that was out of his control, he’d have done something about it a long time ago. So obviously my feelings about it never mattered that much to him, and if they did, they didn’t matter as much to him as his being and staying the way he is mattered to him. For his own reasons, it was always more important to him to keep me from conceiving, than it was to deal with my feelings and do things to give that a chance to happen, despite the odds against it. I’ll never believe Tom’s lack of cumming is out of his hands unless a doctor came out and told me - look. It’s not his fault and there’s nothing that can be done about it. If he couldn’t get hard in the first place, that’d be different.

I still have no regrets about how things turned out. I’m glad we never did have that kid or else we wouldn’t be where we are today in life. I just wish I never had to go through the damn pain of wanting one and knowing I could never have one in the first place. This is why I can never shed my hard feelings towards God, no matter what he blesses me with. That, and how he allows so many horrible things to happen throughout this world. Any God that can let a woman suffer the way he let me suffer can never be respected or loved by me. I’ll never forgive him for robbing me of my right to choose, even if it was the best thing he ever did for me. Still, that should’ve been my decision to make.

Anyway, I finally feel any hard feelings I’ve ever had towards Tom dissipating. He doesn’t ever have to cum, I don’t ever have to play out scenes that weren’t meant to be played out, and I don’t ever have to have invitro. And I don’t resent him anymore. His happiness and his being how he wants to be is what’s most important to me and life is good, overall. Why change a good thing? Like I said, I really appreciate those dry sheets and not having to use birth control! He’s happy, I’m happy, and life will go on and be just wonderful, no matter what it holds for us, as long as we’re together forever. I know we’ll still have our bad days. I know things will still break, money will still be an issue (at least for a while), he’ll still get colds, I’ll still have breathing problems, but I’d rather the car have a flat tire every day if it means being with him than to have any of my old life back. Especially the part before I knew him.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 17, 2000 I decided not to do my grand plan of a diet because I know I’ll only end up working so hard for so little if anything at all. As soon as I started eating again, I’d only gain back whatever weight I lost.

I’ve been working out for six weeks now and Tom says I look different overall. Oh, yeah? Then how come I’m the same exact weight since I began and how come my measurements are the same as they were when I began? I’ll tell you why - because I just don’t have the willpower to eat 1000 calories a day and work out for at least three hours a day. I need 1500-2000 calories a day and I can’t bring myself to work out longer than 20-60 minutes a day.

To top it all off, I’m sick of dealing with it. I’m fat and I’m always going to be. Period. Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem that can’t be solved is to just ignore it. Just crumble it up like an unwanted piece of paper and chuck it in the garbage. That’s all I can do. Just forget it and accept the 20 extra pounds I carry as a part of me that just is. Just like my arms and legs are a part of me.

Later…

Tom fixed one of my programs that wouldn’t run in Windows 98 which is what I’ve been using since my mouse and word processor first died.

Evelyn’s serious about giving us her trailer. She sent home a few pictures of it with Tom. It’s recently been painted, so I guess I won’t be painting it any time soon. It’s white with light blue trim. Again, it’s a 40’ single-wide and looks like Dennis’ trailer, only it’s bigger and newer. It may be a while before we get it because it may be a while before she moves. We’ll have to come up with the money to haul it out here and have it set up. As Tom pointed out today, the thing has to be strapped down with the way the wind is ferocious out here, or else something that size (a fourth of the size of this house, barely) will blow over and smash into this house. We want to put it where half is behind the house, and the other half sticks past the master bedroom end of the house, blocking the view of the rentals. You could probably see the rentals from the kitchen and den windows, but not from the retreat, once it’s here.

Just think, I told Tom, a workshop that comes with a ton of storage space, a place to wash up, and a place to pee! Now he won’t have to come all the way to the house just to pee.

I feel so bad for Evelyn. Yes, I know all too well what it’s like to live in a shit neighborhood with shit neighbors that I just can’t wait to escape! Like most trailer parks, hers is loaded with scum freeloaders. I can just imagine all the noise she has to put up with! I’m sure this place has always been bad too, and that she just couldn’t resist wasting her time like I used to by asking the lazies to lower their music and that by now, she’s just asked one freeloader too many, causing their shit to escalate. You don’t do that to them. You just don’t ask blacks and Mexicans to turn their music down. First they’ll ignore your request, then they’ll get pissed over it. There’s no changing the blacks and Mexicans of this world, although Joebitch’s boy toy did quiet down in the end. Why, they didn’t raise holy hell right before they moved, though, still baffles me to this day. What would they have had to lose at that point if they were out from under the city’s wing?

They have a new series on HBO all about the lives of blacks. No thanks. I don’t care to watch blacks stand out on the streets dealing drugs and shooting people any more than I care for the childbirth.

TUESDAY, MAY 16, 2000 I finished proofreading my story and now it’s Tom’s turn.

Not that I want to have sex more often with this guy, but every day I see he’s such a liar about saying he wants more sex. He spends the bulk of his time that he’s home sitting in front of the TV, never making time for sex when the opportunity’s there, except for once during the weekend.

Later…

Tom put the flag up yesterday. I had him put it by the front door. I’m flying a flag of a cactus and coyote. The same one that hung on the wall in the back room over the microwave in Phoenix.

He also evened out my hair.

It’s very windy right now, as it usually is. It’s nice to hear the wind chimes, but this wind gets old. All it does is scatter the shit outside about the land and interfere with us burning trash. Tom said he heard we could be in for some rain today or tomorrow and it could be only in the mid-60s. Yeah, right! Well, it sure as hell isn’t going to rain. I doubt it’ll rain till August when the monsoons set in.

MONDAY, MAY 15, 2000 At 10:30 last night, Dan got a little desperate for attention. He came out and gunned a thunderous engine for about 20 seconds. You could tell he did it just to do it too, and that he didn’t drive off anywhere. Then, a few minutes later, his music started. He had a lot of outside lights on, so it was obvious that he was outside and that the music was either coming from a vehicle of some kind or through an open window/door. I was trying to read so I threw the fan on. When I turned it off a half-hour later, the music was off, so who knows how long it went on? When is this cock leaving? That’s what I want to know. Or is that a thing of the past now that we’re here? At least this thing doesn’t like the heat and at least it’s hot more often than not out here, cuz I’ve been hearing less and less of him as the weather’s warmed up. That’s why he was out so late, or else I’d have heard him in the afternoon. I’ve never heard his music that late before.

Tom said he’s seen one of the owls we have around here that we can sometimes hear hooting at night. They live in the big Palo Verdes that are close to the house. He said the one he saw was huge.

He also said he’s heard buzzing that sounds like that out of a horror movie, but cannot find any hives. He said he thinks the buzzing could be from katydids, but I doubt it. I think it’s bees.

To do a test to see just how much these allergies are related to the mice, I’ve condensed their living space and am going to change them twice a week instead of once a week.

Standing in the mirror, I took pictures of myself with my haircut. God, I have aged! I just don’t look like I did in my 20s. I’m graying, sagging, wrinkling and fat!

We decided we’d sleep together next Saturday night. I’m going to work with him for a few hours on Saturday, so we don’t want to disrupt my sleep the night before.

Tom just called from the cell phone saying he was approaching Circle K and asked if I wanted anything. I told him he could get me my favorite - caramel coffee.

I have a grand plan to lose this extra weight once and for all and if this doesn’t work, nothing will and I’ll just have to accept the 20 extra pounds I’ve got and live with it. I’ll just maintain what I’ve got and keep my weight between 120-125 for the rest of my life by watching what I eat and by working out if this plan fails.

Having 1000 calories a day for several weeks just won’t cut it for me. It’s too long and drawn out a process and I just don’t have the willpower to cut down my food week after week. Also, cutting down food is an awful lot like cutting down cigarettes; it doesn’t last long. You either smoke or don’t smoke at all. Same goes for the food. So, I’ve decided to try crashing my weight off at 5-pound intervals. It shouldn’t take me more than two days to starve off 5 pounds and if I could just lose at least 15 pounds, I would lose inches. Especially since most of my extra weight is fat at this point. If I can shed that outer layer of fat, then it’s OK if I gain the weight back with muscle, as long as my inches stay down. Anyway, I decided to pick Wednesdays and Thursdays as my crash days because on weekends he’s here eating a lot. I didn’t want to pick a Monday because that’s the day I usually go out and I wouldn’t want to go out if I couldn’t stop somewhere for a bite to eat. Anyway, the idea is to crash down to 120 pounds this week, then try to maintain that till next week. Then I’ll try to crash down to 115 and maintain that till next week when I try to crash down to 110. I’ll settle for 110 for now, depending on how it goes. One of three things will happen. I either won’t be able to do it at all, or I’ll be able to do it but won’t be able to maintain it, or I’ll be able to do it and I will maintain it. The last time I struggled to maintain a weight of 110-115, I didn’t have the Bowflex. Maybe this time around it’d be easier to do, but I will admit it is a long shot because I’m fighting nature. It’s not natural to be at an ideal weight when you’re middle-aged.

God, I wish we had money right now! I can’t believe the Gloria things they’re auctioning on eBay! Concert programs, posters, and CDs I’d love to have even though I’m not into her like I was in the late ’80s to early ’90s.

The amount of childbirth on TV never ceases to amaze me. It’s getting more and more, too. It used to be that every other show, movie, and commercial had childbirth in it, but now they’ve got a whole series just about that! There are three different series that I know of that are on every day and it’s nothing but people having babies. I don’t understand the obsession. I can see the murder mysteries, the sex, and the comedies, but the childbirth? I just don’t get it.

Later…

Just took some gorgeous sunset pictures out back. It’s absolutely beautiful out right now and I can’t wait till we have an Arizona room! That way we can be outdoors and not have to worry about bugs.

Last Saturday was the last of The Others.

SATURDAY, MAY 13, 2000 Oh, these fucking goddamn, motherfucking allergies! They just never quit! I never had anything like this back east. Why is it that I always must trade one problem in for another? Why can’t I ever just solve a problem and let it end there? Ever since I stopped wheezing so bad since quitting smoking, my allergies have been a nightmare. I traded in my smoking addiction for a weight problem. Everything in life for me is a tradeoff. I have to be given a problem in order to get rid of one, and I have to be cursed in order to be blessed. Take Evelyn’s house, for example. You think God’s just gonna let her give us that house without making us pay in some way? Ha! We’ll have hell to go through just to get it and sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it, but we really could use the storage and workspace, so if we have to fight for it, we’ll put up our fists and fight.

My allergies got particularly bad when I first got the mice and I wondered if I should just let the ones I have die off and not get more, and if their sterility wasn’t a good thing after all, but Tom said he doesn’t think it’s the mice. He says that if it was, I’d have this every day. Yeah, but will I? It used to be that I’d take a Benadryl, crash for a couple of hours or so, then wake up fine. But now the allergy attack that used to last hours is lasting for days, so what’s to say I won’t end up with this shit every day where I can’t sit and do something for more than five minutes because I have to jump up and blow my runny, sneezy nose? This has been going on now for about 25 hours. I can’t even go a week or two without this shit.

Even though I’m sure I’ll still have this shit every week or two, I condensed the mice’s living quarters. Instead of having 5 or 6 houses set up with a zillion tubes, I’ve got Butter Rum and Oreo in a little cage with just one tube and hideaway, and the others in the big tank with just wheels, their crinkle paper box, and a few tubes.

Having allergies wasn’t the only thing to cause me to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, either. Tom said he screwed up and couldn’t get the groceries early this morning as planned. At first I thought he was saying that he bounced a check, but what he really did was assume that a certain company wouldn’t cash their check till Monday, which is payday anyway. But they did cash the check, so he sold a coin of his for $95 and bought groceries with that. I know he wanted to sell that coin anyway as he said, but all I could think about, once again, was ripping the shit out of Steven and Dan. It’s their fault that we’re in this situation. When are we ever gonna be free of these assholes’ fuck-ups?! They’ve been out of our lives for months now yet they’re still controlling us!

Anyway, I was pissed off cuz I thought our other weekend plans were shot. I said to Tom - so there goes the evening out of my hair, the putting up the flag outside, any sewing we may want to do, and the boring, predictable sex I know would’ve happened tomorrow at the end of your day. I explained that last one by pointing out that while he claims to want spontaneity, I not only know what’s going to happen in bed but lately, I know when it’s going to happen, too. Sunday, late afternoon or early evening, when he’s more tired so he can have an easier time holding back. Anyway, he said we could screw right then, so we did and I only had to know what was going to happen. I could tell it was a struggle for him. He had a hard time holding back, but he managed.

Week five and things are going just as predicted. My weight still bounces between 122-125 pounds, my thighs still bounce between 22-23, my waist still bounces between 29-30, and my tits and hips still bounce between 36-37. It’ll never change. Not without lots of starvation and many hours a day of working out. Neither of which is going to happen because I just don’t have the willpower to do it. Tom, though, insists that little by little it’ll work its way off and areas that haven’t gone down yet will go down in time. Ha! Not a chance. Yes, I went down a little in the lower back, the backs of my thighs, and my upper abs, which is nice, but what about the worst areas, such as my inner thighs, hips, and lower abs? And what about my face, neck, and arms? It’s hopeless. Totally hopeless, just like I’ve been saying week after week. Even if I could weigh 100-110 pounds tomorrow, I’d just have a whole new battle to fight. Maintaining lost weight is almost as hard for me to do as it is to lose it. Like I also said, I’m sick of fighting for the impossible. All I can do is maintain my current weight/inches, which isn’t too hard. Not as hard as it was to maintain 110-115 pounds the last I was there because that’s not natural in this day and age. Middle-aged people are supposed to be 20-50 pounds overweight.

Dan’s still here. Isn’t it a little late to still be here? Makes me wonder if my vibe about his quitting the summer getaways upon our arrival was an accurate one. At least he hasn’t been engine-gunning. All I heard so far this weekend was five seconds of someone’s car stereo. Probably whoever visits the house towards our front. They’d actually be in front of next door. It’s still too bad we couldn’t own all the land within a five-mile radius of this house! But if we did, God would just allow some desperate, attention-seeking asshole to create stereos that could be heard for over five miles, although the stereos that do exist are close to that. Anyway, I’m sure there’ll be stereos that can be heard for 20+ miles away eventually. Eventually, they’ll be too loud for the owners to blast without wearing ear protectors, but they won’t mind. They’re that desperate to put on a show and get noticed.

FRIDAY, MAY 12, 2000 Here we go with the early spotting again. Sometimes I spot a week or two before my period. Why does there have to be such a big deal leading up to my period? Why does it have to start so slowly and be such a long drawn-out process most of the time? Why can’t I just get my period when it’s due? Better yet, why can’t I just have a hysterectomy? I can’t imagine my ever wanting Invitro bad enough. I’m content with life the way it is. We may not have the money we wish we had, but life is good, so why go and change a good thing? Besides, I thought of another way Tom could get his way with it. He’s smart enough to find a way to kill his sperm and have it appear dead when he brought it to the doctor, not that that couldn’t be the case for real. Like I said, a man who can get hard but won’t cum is the way he is for a reason. Not wanting a kid is the only thing I could ever think of. He sure as hell ain’t got no disease he’s trying to protect me from, so what else could it be? All I know is that whether or not I decide I want a kid again in the future, I’ll never have one because God will forbid it and Tom won’t allow it. He’s been manipulating and conning me out of it since day one, save for the few times he came around prime time.

Yesterday we went out to Walgreens and I got that skater Barbie I’ve had my eye on for nearly a year now. She wears a nice outfit with a top, skirt, and stockings mostly in blue. The skirt has a layer of purple trim and one of pink. Her skates are blue too, and there are feathers on her shoulders. She has a USA Olympic gold medal around her neck. She’s perfect for the Barbie stand that came with the Peruvian doll. Regular Barbie feet can’t quite touch the bass of the stand, but one with skates on can. There’s this thing on her back that you wind up to make her spin at the waist that doesn’t work, cuz you know I have to get the broken one. That’s fine, though, because I didn’t buy her to play with her and spin her around. I bought her to decorate with.

I got a couple of doll poster ads from Ashton-Drake. They take notice of what you like/buy. Since I bought Indians and ballerinas, they sent me a poster of an Indian girl and of a baby ballerina which I put on my office wall. My office looks more like a giant dollhouse rather than an office.

I almost broke down and made a doctor’s appointment, but decided against it. I’ve been a little better lately and I still don’t see how they could help me. I just hope it never comes down to where I need medication, for any reason, that my life absolutely depends on because doctors just can’t be depended on. They’re too incompetent and unreliable these days.

I see Gophie out there. It’s nice to know that the snake never got her! In fact, maybe the snake moved on, cuz she’s by its hole right now.

Later…

Oh, my God! We just might be having two houses on our land!! Evelyn’s planning on moving to an apartment in Phoenix because her trailer park is getting bad (I can just imagine!) and she told Tom that if we wanted her trailer, she’d just give it to us. Just give it to us! How great that would be! It’d be the perfect storage/workshop for Tom since we don’t need a guest house. The house is about 40’ long and 20-30 years old. It’s a two-bedroom/one-bath. It only has a living room besides that. No dens or retreats. Tom said he doesn’t remember what color it is, but either way, I’d like to paint it peach. We’ll have to pay a few hundred bucks or so to haul it out here and we’ll have to get permits for it, but it’ll be well worth it. We have different options as far as electricity goes. We have the generator we could use, or we could also use a windmill since it’s windy here most of the time. We have a 2 horsepower well pump that can pump 3 gallons of water per minute, so that’s where its water will come from if we decide to plumb it, and we probably will. It’ll probably go in the back, either just in front or just beyond the second wash, because we’re reserving the land at the master bedroom side of the house for the Arizona room/pool, and the back of the land for horses. Tom again mentioned wanting to get a mare to breed thoroughbred racehorses, and a couple of geldings (castrated males) to use for riding.

We did some research and according to what we could find out, that snake is not a rattlesnake. I didn’t think it was. I never saw any rattles on it and my vibes told me it was harmless. There are two possibilities as to what it could be, and both are anti-venomous. It could be either a coachwhip snake or a king snake. Actually, from what we read, a king snake would be a good thing to have around cuz they eat rattlers.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 10, 2000 Dan’s still here. I see lights on at night and I saw him driving off his property earlier.

We’re going out to Circle K (wish Jennifer still worked there) and to Dairy Queen when he gets in later on.

I figured out what Tom’s doing. At least I’m virtually certain of his motives. You’d think that anyone would be like - what’s he got to lose by cumming when he knows she can’t conceive naturally anyway, so he doesn’t have to worry about having a kid too soon after moving, or whatever, but he doesn’t know I can’t conceive. He may suspect it, but like I always said, he’s not as thoroughly convinced as I am. So after I thought about it for a while, I realized he’s counting on the odds. That’s what he’s doing. He’s decided to himself - I’m not going to cum in case she really can conceive cuz I don’t want a kid. Meanwhile, I’ll count on the odds of her not bothering to have the invitro either, and assume that if I don’t cum and if she doesn’t have the invitro, I won’t ever have to worry about a baby. I still don’t understand why he feels he has to go to such extremes, but like he said, he doesn’t want me to complain and he doesn’t want to feel controlled. He wants to be him. No problem. No problem at all. If I wanted a kid and felt I could conceive, that’d be different. Meanwhile, he’s perfectly welcome to do as he pleases and not cum. I don’t know how he can stand it after getting hard and excited, but obviously he can. He’s been doing it for years and I wasn’t kidding myself when I told myself he was perfectly content to be the way he is and that that’s what he wants. If he didn’t, he’d do something about it, and I don’t believe he needs a doctor to do it for him, either. No doctor can tell him to cum when he gets excited like we know he can/does. Only he can do that, but only when and if he wants to.

Meanwhile, how do I feel? Well, knowing I can’t conceive and that I don’t want a child these days has me OK with how he chooses to be. I’m sorry, but cum is a real pain in the ass. It makes quite a mess. Not only does it mess up the sheets, but it also makes a mess of me, too. I can’t just wash it out of my pussy. I have to put on a liner and let it slowly seep out. How do women with guys who are normal sexually stand it? Most guys don’t just cum, they want to screw/cum just about every day.

Later…

Today turned out to be an exciting day. No, we didn’t go out cuz Tom had a meeting at work and he didn’t get in till 7:30. He would’ve taken me out if I’d insisted, but I didn’t want to. He usually goes to bed at 8:00 and I knew it could be close to 10:00 before we returned if we went out. So, we agreed we’d go out tomorrow and even to the store that has the skater Barbie I want, along with the other stores, but who knows? I get the feeling something doesn’t want me going out this week.

It’s a good thing I wasn’t out at 4:00 today. Gophie hasn’t been using the hole in front that’s about a dozen or so feet away from the house. Instead, she’s been using the hole in the bush further back where the iguanas are. This is where I first saw her, too. Anyway, there were a couple of times I could’ve sworn I saw the tip of a snake sticking out of the hole by the house, but couldn’t be sure. Today, though, proved my theory to be correct about why she hasn’t been using that hole. It sure as hell was a snake! I saw it come up out of the hole while I was working out and this sucker was at least 6’ long! Only 1”-1½” wide, though. It lay sprawled in the middle of the wash and I ran out and got about 8-10 feet up to it and took its picture. I also took one from inside too, to show how close to the house it was. I lost it at one point, but I warned Tom to look out for it when he called to ask if I wanted anything else at the store cuz it might’ve headed down towards where he parks.

I showed Tom the pictures I took of it when he got home, but neither of us is sure if it’s any type of rattlesnake (he’ll investigate online). It didn’t have those diamond markings. It was a grayish-black color with no particular markings, and I don’t remember seeing the rattle at the end of its tail. The tail seemed to get skinnier and skinnier till it tapered off almost as skinny as the tip of a rat’s tail.

Anyway, I guess I’m getting to be quite the wildlife photographer! We’ve got pictures of iguanas, snakes, prairie dogs, and a scorpion, although he took that shot. I need a picture of a jackrabbit and a roadrunner if they’ll stay still long enough. I’d even like a tarantula. Just think of all the people who would think I was absolutely crazy, having rats and mice indoors and snakes just outside my house! Dureen’s gonna cringe when she sees what I live with. Dureen, Tammy and Andy could never stand it out here. Andy would not only hate the long drive to work (when he happened to have a job), and not being able to get to a gay bar in ten minutes or so, but he’d be terrified to be alone out here, whether or not he had a phone and a car. He’d be terrified of homicidal maniacs coming to get him and of the desert creatures out here.

I love this house, living here, not knowing what I’ll see when I look out the window.

As for my animals - yes, this store’s definitely up to something. As Tom suggested, they could be inbreeding too much which will cause early death and sterility. The five mice I just bought are definitely females, which were definitely in with males, which should definitely be pregnant and showing it, but they’re not. This has me really worried about Fudgie and wondering how long he’ll live. I love this rat more than any other pet I’ve ever had in my entire life and it’d be a shame to lose him so soon. He’s so cute, loving, and fun to play with. I lay down on the den floor and he walks a few feet away, then Tom moves and scares him and he comes running back to hide under my neck. He climbs on top of me too, and stands straight up and peers around the room.

In other news, my hair, which was an inch shy of my waist, got cut to about a couple of inches below my shoulders. I’m just sick to death of long hair! Sick of the snarls and having to always braid it to keep it from getting overly knotted. It’d take forever to dry, and I’d have to braid it just to go to bed. If my hair was thin and straight, then yes, I’d let it grow and grow forever, but I just couldn’t deal with it anymore and ran out of patience for it. As I said, I left a little length so I could keep my femininity and gather it into a ponytail to get it off my neck when going out on hot days.

Both of us are pretty proud of what we ended up doing yesterday evening. We each made, from scratch, without any pattern, a dress for Bailey. The one Tom made was just a practice one using this ugly Indian-print pattern that his ma gave me, and the final version, which I traced, cut and sewed, has splotches of lavender, pink, and light blue on a white background. In the end, I sewed a piece of lace around the neck and boy does she look better than ever! It’s short too, so her legs show from the knees down like I always wanted them to cuz she even has such realistic knees, as well as feet. Her body bag has lace trim at the legs, which sticks out a bit under the dress just above the knees and it goes well with the lace up top, making it really look just like a little girl’s dress, rather than a nightgown or a long shirt.

We called to brag to Mary about it and to tell her about the snake. Not surprisingly, she said she’d never have gone outside and a handful of feet away from it.

Tom also told her to think about timing hers and Dave’s vacation with his, so they could go somewhere while Ma was here since we have no desire to go anywhere even if we could afford to. We’ve had enough hotels to last us a lifetime. Of course, Tom doesn’t have to have vacation time while she’s here, but if he did, she could spend more time with him, someone she knows, rather than with me most of the time.

TUESDAY, MAY 9, 2000 Carol looked absolutely terrible in last night’s movie. Just as bad as she did in most of Office Killer. She didn’t look better in that movie till the end when she took her glasses off and let her hair down. In this movie, they had her dressed as a conservative, even geeky school principal with her hair up and thick-rimmed glasses.

Tom said we’d go out today, but then he said we’d go out tomorrow instead so he could milk the gas tank. Just another one of his many delays/procrastination. He felt bad, though, and insisted we could go out today if I really wanted to, but nah, we can wait one more day. Instead, we’re gonna make Bailey a new outfit! At least, we’re gonna try to.

MONDAY, MAY 8, 2000 I set Jade up so she’s standing, leaning against the wall, holding one of the musical dolls. It looks really cool, and Tom thought so, too. I still like to have her hold one of the little teddy bears I got at Game Works, too.

Tom says I don’t look watery or bigger, and that’s what I thought, too. Then why did I gain my weight back? I’ll never be thin. I’ll just never ever be thin. My thin days are long over like I’ve been saying. I’ll always be in the 120s. Period.

I gave Tom a good scare today without even knowing it. He said that on his way home he saw an ambulance turn onto Bitter Root and immediately thought they were headed here. Anyway, it turned out to be going to the house across from Dan’s. Two houses away. The equivalent of twenty houses away in the city.

He brought home a picture that Dennis left him which the selfish opportunist himself took. It was of us standing by the trailer. It wasn’t close up, but even so, you could see my pudgy legs, fat face, and rounded-out arms.

I’m taping another Carol Kane movie right now I haven’t seen yet. This one’s a 1999 movie, and as I said before, I think she got better looking with age. Especially in the face, although I do have a picture of her from the 70s that looks great. I saw her in a 1990 movie the other day and her face didn’t look as good as it did in Office Killer, but her hair sure looked better. It was long, curly, and down to just below her waist. I don’t know if it was all hers or if some of it was hair extensions of any kind.

I had a very strange dream last night about a teacher I had in 5th grade named Joan B. I was about eight the first time I saw her, and in a way, she was my first crush. She was like Norah was at the Harley where no one else liked her or would consider her attractive except for me. She was a toughie, though. All the kids hated her for being so mean and so strict. I would’ve too, if I hadn’t found her attractive. She may have been a bit on the plump side and had brown eyes and long brown hair. She always kept her hair up and I remember how I’d wonder how long it was and what it’d look like down. I remember I looked her up in the phonebook and called her a few times, which she was not happy with. She bitched to my parents about it. She certainly wouldn’t have come out and said so, at least not to me, but I know she had to have despised me. I could just tell.

Anyway, I haven’t seen her in about 25 years and haven’t thought of her in ages. Then last night I had a dream that she was reaching out to me as I was running by her. I woke up with the feeling that she was saying goodbye from the other side. At first I wondered why she’d bother with me, but I had to have stood out in her mind. Any teacher who ever dealt with a loud-mouthed, attention-getting bully like I was could never forget me. I always stood out, and although it wasn’t usually in a good way, I had to have made a lasting impression on her.

If I’ve got my facts straight - she has one son. Her son and her husband’s first name was Richard. Joan lived in Agawam for as long as I could remember. Many years. Anyway, I went online to see if I could find obituaries, but couldn’t. So I looked in the directory and found a Richard B living at a different address in Agawam. Is it the son? The husband? Is Joan really dead? She had to have been in her late 30s to early 40s when I knew her, which means she’s probably around 65-75 years old today. She could be dead, but so could anyone you haven’t seen for 25 years. I told Tom I wanted to call the Richard Bowe I found listed and see if I could find out, but he advised me to wait a month or two. He reminded me of my accuracy rate within the world of the paranormal and said that now wouldn’t be a good time to go calling and asking for someone if they just died. That’s what I’ll do, but I can’t wait to find out if she’s dead or alive in a month. Or at least try to.

SUNDAY, MAY 7, 2000 Jade’s finally done and standing against the wall in my office! Tom stuffed her real good so she’s really rigid. Although she’s a beautiful doll, her head seems a bit big for her 32” body. Her feet and hands are the same sizes as Bailey’s who’s 24”, and her head’s the same size as Ciara’s who’s 38”. She’s wearing Bailey’s sleeper and Bailey’s wearing a dress that came with a big teddy bear of mine. It doesn’t look as good on her, but someday I’ll get new outfits for both Bailey and Jade. 32” dolls are a good size. You can see them well enough without having to walk right up to them, and there’s a lot more wall space to lean them against in here than there is furniture to put them on.

The sex we had at the end of his day, as usual, was very predictable. He was in and out of me in no time at all. It was very obvious that he didn’t want to cum. Especially with how hard he was.

Afterward, I started to get both bummed out and pissed knowing that if I did decide to have Invitro someday I’d have to use someone else’s sperm. Or so I thought. Tom told me something that really made my day. You see, I was always under the impression that a guy had to give sperm right there in the office in a cup just like you do with urine, but that’s not so. He said you can do it at home on your own time, as long as you keep it warm and don’t wait longer than a few days. I didn’t know this, but that’s great! It makes perfect sense too, now that I think about it. Now I can have an easier time letting him be himself and not feel so controlled and manipulated by him like he’s cheating me out of options. It’s nice to know, though, even though I doubt I’ll ever do the invitro, that I have more choices than I thought I did and that I don’t necessarily have to use someone else’s sperm unless his is dead. I don’t have the choices most women do since they can get pregnant for free the natural way, but at least I have more choices than I thought I did, and yes, Tom you can feel very free to be yourself and not cum!

Before he enlightened me on how he’d give his sperm, he said he felt I was controlling him and that he thought I said I wanted him to be him. To me, this is saying he’s admitting he wants to be the way he is and he doesn’t want to be made to feel like he has to change. This is fine, now that I know what I know, but I still don’t get why he’s so determined not to cum when it’s already been established that I can’t conceive naturally, anyway.

Anyway, I’m just so glad to learn what I’ve learned. That still doesn’t mean that I’ll ever want to have Invitro, or that he’d still cooperate and give his sperm, or that God would allow me to have a kid no matter whose sperm it was, but it makes me feel a lot better. Also, every negative has its positive - Tom’s not cumming keeps the sheets nice and dry, and we’ll never need birth control or tubes tied, or vasectomies.

He told me something else, to use as an example, that made no sense to me. He said he didn’t like not sleeping together, but that he just accepts it because he doesn’t want to control me or complain. I get the not liking it part, and I too, wish we could sleep together like any other normal couple, but as I told him, he’s not controlling me or complaining by asking that we try to sleep together at times. As long as he doesn’t make demands, he’s not controlling me. I want him to ask me things because I want to know if there’s ever anything I can do to please him because I love him, so I suggested we try sleeping together on weekends. I said we won’t say that we have to sleep together every night, just try to on weekends. Meanwhile, there’s no control involved. If one of us decides we don’t want to do it, we don’t do it. Period.

No music this weekend. Just the faint beat of a car stereo cruising by somewhere around here for ten seconds last night.

I don’t understand my mice’s behavior. Since when do females and males fight? And since when do mice that have lived together before fight? The mice that lived together in the store that were bought together fight. Out of the five mice I got, three of them are tame, one’s sort of a bully, and one’s a big-time bully. As for the three I had before - Freddie’s tame, Oreo’s sort of a bully, and Butter Rum’s a major bully like Toughie.

SATURDAY, MAY 6, 2000 I finished my story Burned Soul yesterday! Now I’m proofreading it, then Tom’s going to do the same, before sending it off to publishers so it can get rejected. Although it’s easy to say that God won’t allow me to make any money by writing because he’s never allowed me to do things I’ve wanted to do in the past, I also don’t want to be a writer nearly as bad as I once wanted a kid and to be a singer. That still isn’t necessarily a point in my favor, though, since most people rarely get the first thing they submit published, anyway. You usually have to write lots of stories or articles before someone publishes something you’ve written.

Yesterday I woke up at 121 pounds and was still able to shit. I’m back to 122 now. There’s not much of a difference since I began working out four weeks ago, although yes, I am firmer, and yes, I am smaller. But barely. And in some cases, it doesn’t last long. My thighs went down an inch for five minutes, then they were all bloated out again to the usual 23” they are. My chest dropped to 36, my waist is 29½, and my hips are 37.

I can’t be certain, but I might’ve seen a snake sticking out of Gophie’s hole the other day. That may explain why she’s now living in a hole at the other end of the house and why there’s been less lizard activity around.

Today we saw a cute little gray baby jackrabbit sitting out front in the middle of the wash. Tom filmed it, along with Fudgie and Ratsy playing.

This is going to come as a shocker, but I love Fudgie way more than I did Scuttles. He’s a super cool, fun, loving little guy. He’s less of an explorer when I have him out. Instead, he loves to sit and cuddle with me. I lay on the floor and he hides under my neck. Then periodically, he walks a few feet away, then turns around and runs back to hide under my neck. He also climbs on top of me at times, too. He’s a lot mellower than Scuttles was. He’s about as mellow as Mickey was, and he’s not a biter, either. He doesn’t nibble on my toes and fingers like Ratsy loves to.

Although Tom did do a little more work on Jade and play some computer games, he’s spent the whole day in front of the TV, showing no interest in sex. God, he is so unmanly in that way! Again, that’s OK with me. I’m as drained of an appetite as I have been for the last few years now, and when I do get up the urge, I just want to take care of myself, quickly and efficiently. It’s easier to do something yourself than to have to direct someone to go higher, go lower, softer, harder, etc.

THURSDAY, MAY 4, 2000 Wow! I lost a pound. I weigh 122, but the question is - will I ever drop below 120 and stay there? Cuz trying to stay between 110-115 in early 98 to early 99 was a nightmare. Of course, I didn’t have the Bowflex then, either. Well, we’ll see in time where my weight goes, but wherever it goes, it goes. There’s not much I can do about it.

Cybertrails’ service has been absolutely horrid. They’re just like how AOL was for a while where I either can’t get online or when I do, pages won’t load and I get knocked off. Tom says to expect lousy service in a rural area and to just take what I can get from them. Yeah, but it’s never been this bad. This is terrible. It fucking figures, too. Just when I find something I want to do online regularly, I can’t get on. I discovered Carol Kane items being auctioned on eBay that are constantly changing. The web pages, though, stay the same for months, even years, at a time.

Yesterday, I got another garden/floral magazine from Evelyn. I guess Miss Opinionated really likes me. Anyway, there’s nothing I really care about in the magazine, but Tom’s interested in some of their ads. There were also a couple of packets of flower seeds, which we weren’t supposed to get even though they gave them to us. Mary was going to plant them. We offered to give them back, but she said not to bother. Besides, she’s only got so much room for them. Even so, we should never have gotten them because we just can’t grow things here. The animals eat and destroy them. Rabbits, birds, lizards, and probably Gophie too, are eating the seeds and chewing off whatever does start to grow. Tom said we can try planting them indoors till they take off, then put them outside, but I still think they’ll destroy them.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 3, 2000 I don’t believe this. I just don’t believe this! Smokey’s dead. Yesterday evening, just like with Scuttles, he was totally out of it, barely moving, eating or drinking. Then when I got up at 9:00 today, he was gone.

Why are so many of my animals dying lately? Depending on how long Fudgie lives, I may wonder about this store. I got a rat from them that only lived five months, and now a rat that didn’t even live one month. Or maybe it’s a punishment. Meaning, just like I wondered if Scuttle’s death was because of what I did to the Bear, I wonder if Smokey’s death is because I got sick of Butter Rum being such a bully and bopped her upside the head with a nibble stick. I’m just grateful I didn’t get that attached to him so I don’t have to be miserable all over again so soon after I was miserable over losing Scuttles.

I’m really seriously considering quitting singing, although I’ll miss it terribly. I’m just so sick of having to cough and clear my throat just like I did when I smoked. It really takes the fun out of it. Do you know how humiliating that is, having worked so hard for so little?! No, God does not help those who help themselves. It’s even more of a bummer knowing that my lungs will never get better either, even though I’m gonna be stupid and schedule a doctor’s appointment that I know will be a complete waste of time, gas and money. I’m still convinced there’s nothing they can give me that’ll help me. They’ll either give me something that won’t do a damn bit of good (or it’ll at least seem like it’s gonna help at first, then I’ll be like I usually am - tight or congested), or it’ll have bad side effects like that Aerobid did. And as I’ve learned in life - there’s no such thing as “solving a problem.” At least not for me there isn’t. For me, all I can do is trade one problem in for another, so even if I could get something to help my lungs, all I’d be asking for was a brand-new problem to have to deal with year after year. All God gave me for my efforts at quitting smoking was 20 pounds I could never get rid of, and that’s another depressing thing right there.

I’ve pretty much peaked as far as the weight and inches go. After that initial tightening I felt, that’s as far as it’s obviously going to go. I’m never going to have that muscular look I’d like to have. Part of that is because I can’t seem to burn the fat. All I can do is build a little muscle underneath the fat like I did. Also, 123 pounds is as low as I can go from what it looks like, and I can’t lose any more than the inch or so I’ve lost from a couple of select areas. Not unless I start working out for a few hours a day and put myself through lots of starvation. All of which I don’t have the willpower for.

On the bright side - as long as I keep rowing every day and working out a few times a week, I should be able to maintain my weight and inches and keep from ever going above 125 pounds. I’ll also be a little firmer and not feel as energyless or too non-active.

Anyway, I’m not surprised at the results. I mean, I got just what I expected to get - just a few pounds lighter, and an inch smaller, and slightly firmer. I expected to feel the results much more than see them. Especially in my arms and legs. They look just like they always did, but they feel a bit firmer.

I finally got Tom to start working on Jade yesterday, but not without starting to work on her myself. I just get so sick of him saying he’s gonna do things that he doesn’t do. I know he’ll never clean up the property when it gets hot, either. Tom, why do you lie to me so?

Anyway, firming up Jade’s been much quicker and easier than I thought it would be. This is mostly because we cut the body at the sides, arms and legs so we could pack the stuffing in easier. All bodies should come with zippers to these areas if you ask me. Trying to stuff batting down into the legs from the neck is nearly impossible. He got the arms stuffed and stitched up, and part of the body and where the knees are. He’ll work up the legs and down the body till he meets at the sides where her hips are, then we’ll stitch the sides up and take in an inch or so of material at the sides to make it better proportioned. I’m still certain that this body was sewn all wrong. It’s totally disproportionate in the hips. Also, the whole body seems too long for a 32” doll. I really think they gave me a 34” or 36” body. A disproportionate 34” or 36” body.

Later…

Quitting singing is easier said than done. I could never quit. It’s just so much a part of me as my arms and legs are. I’ll just have to sing when my lungs/nose will allow it.

Carol Kane was in a 1984 movie earlier. She only had a little part and looked like a geek. She got better looking with age if you ask me. Well, I’ll be checking out other movies on the 5th, 8th, and 14th of this month. I can’t wait for Office Killer and When a Stranger Calls Back to run again!

TV shows and movies still seem to be riddled with childbirth and I still don’t know what the obsession’s all about.

MONDAY, MAY 1, 2000 I forgot to write about Sunday’s sex. It was predictable in the sense that I knew he wouldn’t cum, but it was otherwise not very predictable. I decided at the last minute to have him go down on me and he not only did, but I got off. It seemed to take forever, though. I thought that because he went down on me he’d bail out of screwing cuz he never really liked doing more than one thing per session, but we screwed afterward. He went faster this time as if he had more strength and energy from working out. He was either putting on a good show or else he really was just out of shape. I think it was always a combination of him being unfit as well as scared.

He knows that I got my period at the end of last month. It wasn’t possible to hide it from him when he saw he had blood on his dick that could only have come from me. So, that means he’s gonna chicken out on me and want to play games around the 10th of this month. Like I could really get pregnant even if he did cum? Yeah, right! Anyway, I’ll probably avoid him myself at that time cuz I won’t be in the mood to play games of any kind and have him conveniently “forget” how to get inside or something like that. As long as he can’t admit his fears on his own, then I’m gonna have to be the responsible one here. I don’t want him put in a position that makes him uncomfortable and I know that although I know I’m sterile and he hates having sex, as cumless as it is, when I’m mid-cycle.