#witticism

[imsosocold]

[empirearchives]

“Portalis would be the most flowery and eloquent orator if he knew how to stop.” —Napoleon said of Jean-Étienne-Marie Portalis 💀💀💀

[daimonclub]

Mark Twain great quotes

Mark Twain great quotes Mark Twain great quotes, a collection of the author's best quotes and aphorisms on every aspects of life seen through his marvellous and witty sense of humor. In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards. Mark Twain Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Mark Twain Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. Mark Twain The only reason why God created man is because he was disappointed with the monkey. Mark Twain A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. Mark Twain A crowded police docket is the surest of all signs that trade is brisk and money plenty. Mark Twain Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment. Mark Twain A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle. Mark Twain Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain There is no such thing as ”the Queen’s English.” The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares! Mark Twain Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Mark Twain Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love Truly. Laugh uncontrollably. Never regret anything that makes you smile. Mark Twain The two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. Mark Twain Give every day a chance to become the most beautiful day in your life. Mark Twain

Mark Twain best quotes The most permanent lessons in morals are those which come not of book teaching but of experience. Mark Twain A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way. Mark Twain I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want. Mark Twain Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often. Mark Twain The fear of death follows from the fear of life. The man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. Mark Twain A classic: something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. Mark Twain Put all your eggs in the one basket and - Watch That Basket. Mark Twain To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned man’s character one must judge it by the standards of his time, not ours. Mark Twain There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me - I always feel that they have not said enough. Mark Twain It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. Mark Twain War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull. Mark Twain Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied. Mark Twain Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Mark Twain Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Mark Twain Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. Mark Twain It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you. Mark Twain The very ink in which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. Mark Twain True irreverence is disrespect for another man’s god. Mark Twain Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. Mark Twain Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s loss of a crown are events of the same size. Mark Twain Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. Mark Twain By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. Mark Twain The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little. Mark Twain India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire. Mark Twain

Mark Twain great aphorisms We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have not all been generals, or poets, or statesmen; but when the toast works down to the babies, we stand on common ground. Mark Twain There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy. Mark Twain The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. Mark Twain There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. Mark Twain It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races. Mark Twain There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist. Mark Twain My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water. Mark Twain Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. Mark Twain I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me. Mark Twain What's the use you learning to do right, when it's troublesome to do right and ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same? Mark Twain Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Mark Twain Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Mark Twain Government is merely a servant – merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn’t. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. Mark Twain All kings is mostly rapscallions. Mark Twain To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position is correct. Mark Twain In order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain. Mark Twain Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world. Mark Twain Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Mark Twain Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Mark Twain Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain't so. Mark Twain The elastic heart of youth cannot be compressed into one constrained shape long at a time. Mark Twain The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it. Mark Twain Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mark Twain The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. Mark Twain Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. Mark Twain When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. Mark Twain The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. Mark Twain Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. Mark Twain

Mark Twain great quotes The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. Mark Twain After a few months’ acquaintance with European “coffee,” one’s mind weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich beverage of home, with its clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it, is not a mere dream after all, and a thing which never existed. Mark Twain Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with. Mark Twain The lack of money is the root of all evil. Mark Twain It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all. Mark Twain Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. Mark Twain There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. Mark Twain Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. Mark Twain When a humorist ventures upon the grave concerns of life he must do his job better than another man or he works harm to his cause. Mark Twain What a man wants with religion in these breadless times, surpasses my comprehension. Mark Twain Forget and forgive. This is not difficult when properly understood. It means forget inconvenient duties, then forgive yourself for forgetting. By rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy. Mark Twain The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. Mark Twain What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. No smallest atom of our moral, mental, or physical structure can stand still a year. It grows - it must grow; nothing can prevent it. Mark Twain I always did hate for anyone to know what my plans or hopes or prospects were - for, if I kept people in ignorance in these matters, no one could be disappointed but myself, if they were not realized. Mark Twain Men are easily dealt with - but when you get the women started, you are in for it, you know. Mark Twain We chase phantoms half the days of our lives. It is well if we learn wisdom even then, and save the other half. Mark Twain Who would find out that I am a natural fool if I kept always cool and never let nature come to the surface? Nobody. Mark Twain Ah, well, I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect. Mark Twain I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have got so much more of it. Mark Twain My interest in my work dies a sudden and violent death when the work is done. Mark Twain I am as prompt as a clock, if I only know the day a thing is wanted - otherwise I am a natural procrastinaturalist. Mark Twain Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. Mark Twain Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself. Mark Twain It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. Mark Twain Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Mark Twain Human nature is the same everywhere; it deifies success, it has nothing but scorn for defeat. Mark Twain Patriotism is merely a religion - love of country, worship of country, devotion to the country's flag and honor and welfare. Mark Twain Low comedies are written for the drawing-room, the kitchen and the stable, and if you cut out the kitchen and the stable the drawing-room can't support the play by itself. Mark Twain In truth I care little about any party's politics - the man behind it is the important thing. Mark Twain

Mark Twain witty aphorisms I never made a success of a lecture delivered in a church yet. People are afraid to laugh in a church. They can't be made to do it in any possible way. Mark Twain I was afraid of a united Church; it makes a mighty power, the mightiest conceivable, and then when it by and by gets into selfish hands, as it is always bound to do, it means death to human liberty and paralysis to human thought. Mark Twain The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation. Mark Twain In my experience, previously counted chickens never do hatch. Mark Twain God only exhibits his thunder and lightning at intervals, and so they always command attention. Mark Twain Drag your thoughts away from your troubles - by the ears, by the heels, or any other way, so you manage it. Mark Twain Lord, what an organ is human speech when it is played by a master! Mark Twain Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more. Mark Twain In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. Mark Twain There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it. Mark Twain I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself. Mark Twain I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough. Mark Twain There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a Dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And You are but a Thought - a vagrant Thought, a useless Thought, a homeless Thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities. Mark Twain To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was a tautology. Mark Twain The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. Mark Twain Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments flit away and a sunny spirit takes their place. Mark Twain I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. Mark Twain Heaven for climate, Hell for society. Mark Twain A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother. Mark Twain I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. Mark Twain A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or a newspaper the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual, and electrically prompt. Mark Twain H'aint we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority in any town? Mark Twain Is not this insanity plea becoming rather common? Is it not so common that the reader confidently expects to see it offered in every criminal case that comes before the courts?... Really, what we want now, is not laws against crime, but a law against insanity. Mark Twain Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. Mark Twain You tell me whar a man gits his corn pone, en I'll tell you what his 'pinions is. Mark Twain Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any. Mark Twain Virtue never has been as respectable as money. Mark Twain Methuselah lived to be 969 years old . You boys and girls will see more in the next fifty years than Methuselah saw in his whole lifetime. Mark Twain A man cannot be made comfortable without his own approval. Mark Twain The cross of the Legion of Honor has been conferred on me. However, few escape that distinction. Mark Twain

Mark Twain great quotations There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure. Mark Twain If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one. Mark Twain We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove. Mark Twain The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all. Mark Twain On with dance, let joy be unconfined, is my motto; whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfined. Read the full article

[and-fishing-equipment]

do you think taylor swift will be dropping a new album soon

[weepylucifer]

Harry: But what if you know there is no future? What if there's nothing left to do but despair??

Steban: *whispers to Ulixes* Dispair of nuts

[uncanny-tranny]

While you shouldn't go out of your way to fuck over fellow workers, the advice going around that says, "be indispensable to your bosses!" are also setting yourself up for failure. What people don't tell you about "being indispensable" to your boss is that, for one, you aren't indispensable to them, but also, you will only become the Go-To Guy, somebody who suddenly finds themself doing two, three peoples' jobs for the pay of one.

Ask me how I figured out the hard way. If you can, jealously guard your labour, time, and energy, because lord knows your boss won't do that for you

[ruelpsen]

i’m a sucker for chest pats before or after a burp🤤🤤 especially before like they feel the burp in there and they want to dislodge it and release it so badddd ughhh or saying like “i feel one coming” or “i feel a big one” like you feel it??? inside your body???? that’s hot🫣🫣

It IS hot and I cannot be convinced otherwise. And if you can hear things start to move thanks to the pat too? Oh my lord is that the shit!!! Plus I love how sexual those statements can be. Like oh, you "feel a big one coming"? Are you going to burp or cum (or both ;) )? Belch around me enough and it damn well might end up being both at some point!

[littlepawz]

sheesh...I should never open jokes from my friend while drinking coffee. This one was particularly juicy ;P 

[shimmywhenyoucantbounce]

locking Benedick, Beatrice of Messina, Howl Movingcastle, Sylvester Cross, and Arthur Goring in a room to see what happens

[queenlua]

is there some pithy phrase that's equivalent to "always the bridesmaid, never the bride," but for people who are always hearing about other people's cool TTRPG games but never actually invited to play? seems like there's an opportunity for an aphorism there

[opalsiren]

i truly abhor what s**s*n thr** did with zane, cleo, and basically all the new characters that are introduced, but the writers managed to absolutely mangle rikki's character, too. miss girl has always been the least responsible member of the group but she is beyond insufferable to bella about keeping the mermaid secret from will. it's like the writers gave emma's 'annoying about school and studying' character trait to cleo so they had to give rikki emma's penchant for responsibility and control. i know it is pointed out in canon but it's especially hypocritical given rikki kept zane a secret from the others, not once but twice

speaking of keeping secrets, rikki having influence over the water tentacle and deciding not to tell the others is absolutely mind-boggling. perhaps her character regression in this moment is due to her missing emma or struggling with the café and her rapidly disintegrating relationship with zane, but that is never spelled out for the audience so it just seems like lazy writing and two steps backward for her overall development

the character in season three who looks, sounds, and sometimes acts like zane is absolutely more guilty of wrongdoing in their relationship, but rikki is a pretty shitty partner to him in the third season, too. she misses shifts at the café to go hang out at mako after her brush with the water tentacle, reneging on her commitments entirely. on my most recent rewatch i noticed rikki doesn't really work at the café much, mostly spending time there with her friends, so it doesn't surprise me that the place went under in a matter of months even without her flitting around at the moon pool

anyway the rikki chadwick we know and love would have been concerned about keeping the secret from will, but not to the point that she practically becomes an emma stand-in. she would have told the girls about her water tentacle encounter immediately, or at the very least taken a beat, then come clean shortly after the full moon in question. she would either call it quits with zane the minute she knew their relationship, and the café, weren't working out, or would actually show up and take responsibility for her commitments as she purports to do throughout the season. her shortcomings aren't nearly as egregious as that of some of the other characters, but rikki deserved better writing in season three. jonathan shiff take notes!

[devotedlystrangewizard]

there are a lot of things that people say "haha if you like this piece of media you can probably hear this when you read it" and my mind will draw a blank.

but when i read tubemen-

[voidedhandshake]

Maybe I need to stop blogging while in the middle of a mission

[blueiight]

When i die dont forget my legacy is coming up with the name ‘dubious handles’ for a certain basketball player

[noknowshame]

Robert Louis Stevenson was one of Oscar Wilde’s favorite authors and I was about to make a post about how when he was in prison (for sodomy) he requested copies of all his novels including Treasure Island – which is enough to unpack on its own – but then I remembered that last year Toby Stephens played Oscar Wilde in a movie specifically about his time in prison so everyone just remember that time is a flat circle and inevitably comes back around in absurd ways that we will never be able to fully predict

[obstinatecondolement]

I know this is coming hot on the heels of a number of posts I've made about being earnest and not trying to preempt people making fun of you by self deprecatingly putting yourself down for liking things, or trying things/jokes out, etc, but adding "(we have fun here)" as a parenthetical to very minor witticisms that are extremely obvious and on the nose is one of my favourite jokes.