#with autonomy and a working functioning body | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lassieposting · 1 year ago

Text

Been thinking a lot lately about romanced Astarion post-spawn ending.

Because like. The Funnest™ thing about cptsd is how much of it gets delayed. When you're trapped in a lengthy, ongoing traumatic situation, you do not have the ability to process and start healing your mental wounds. Your brain and body go into survival mode, and all that matters in the moment is that you somehow cope with the horrors. He wouldn't have been able to even begin dealing with the physical, mental and emotional toll of two hundred years of torture, brutalization and dehumanization while he was under Cazador's control; he is in constant danger, surrounded by sharks in the water, and survival means not letting them smell blood. He can't afford to fall apart, to show weakness. He is shockingly functional and competent in-game, partly because he has to be to work as a game character, but also partly because...it do be like that, to some degree. When death, for whatever reason, is not an option, you just have to shut down and keep going. People adapt in order to survive, and when we learn that showing an "injury" (physical or psychological) only gets us punished, we learn to hide it.

Early-game Astarion is terrified - of Cazador, of Godey, of being hunted down by his siblings, of being staked or sold off at the first opportunity by Tav and the other companions, of turning into a mindflayer, of another painful transformation, of losing himself when he's only just regained his autonomy after two centuries, of what Cazador will do to him if he ever finds him - the man is overwhelmed by fear. He's on thin ice as a vampire, and he's not going to give them any more reason to want him gone. Survival instinct is still in control, and in this new situation, crafting some fragile safety for himself means not only selling his body for protection, but also being useful. Clear-headed. Good in a fight.

Endgame Astarion finds himself in a completely different situation. The time-sensitive overarching threats - Cazador and impending ceremorphosis - have been dealt with. He has a loving, supportive partner he's really starting to feel safe with - Tav/Durge has proved that they're on his side, that their affection is genuine, that they don't just want him for the one thing he's been told he's good for. They've told him they're going to help him find a workaround for his sun allergy. He's getting fed regularly. He has time to stop, and breathe, and just. Recuperate.

For the first time in 200 years, he is safe.

And it will probably take a while to catch up, during which time he will seem to be coping really well, but at some point, his brain is going to realise that he's safe, and it's going to finally start processing the sheer fucking horror he's been through. Since I haven't seen anyone talking about this particular fun aspect of cptsd, allow me to offer u some thoughts on issues Astarion and Tav might end up dealing with in the months/years postgame, during the

✨ Delayed Trauma Response ✨

Memory Gaps: Astarion realising, as he opens up to Tav, that there are entire years or decades of his life from which he has only a handful of memories. Great big blank stretches where he has no idea where he was, who he was with, what was happening to him. Some of the gaps cover years at a time where he was so dissociated and shut down that he just didn't retain any memories of what was going on around him. Some are shorter periods of particularly horrific torture that his brain has deliberately blocked out to protect him.

Recovered Memories: At some point, years into the future when he's done A Lot of healing, he might find that every now and then, a fragment of those lost memories will unexpectedly come back to him. He'll catch a particular scent on the breeze, or overhear a specific phrase in the street, or cross paths with someone whose face is oddly familiar, and he'll get a glimpse of an acute horror he'd filed neatly away where it couldn't hurt him anymore. He very rarely remembers all the context to those flashes of his past. He might recall that he was punished, but not what he was punished for, or he might remember words spoken by a greedy conquest, but be unable to recall the man's face.

Dissociation: Tav knows going into this relationship that Astarion has basically made an art out of dissociating during sex. They also know, from their shared encounter with the drow twins, that he's not great at enforcing his own boundaries - he'll always say he'll speak up and back out if he stops having fun, but in practice he rarely does; he's not used to having the option of saying no to his partner, and being punished if he tries. So they know there's going to be some practice and experimentation and negotiation necessary there, to figure out the rough limits of his comfort zone. But once he starts really processing, there may be days where he just checks out completely. Tav will touch his shoulder, and he'll startle and apologise - "Terribly sorry, darling, I was miles away for a moment there." And Tav will gently point out that he's been sat in the same spot vacantly staring into the middle distance for hours. They've been checking in on him occasionally and this is the first time he's responded. It's unsettling, to say the least.

Lost Time: Astarion was very young when he was turned, physically mature but emotionally juvenile. He was basically an overgrown teenager, in the phase of life where elves are just starting to learn who they are and what they want, and figure out their place in the world. But he never got to do that, because he spent his formative young adult years in a world where everyone became an abuser, where his only means of surviving was to smile and charm and obey while even his basic human dignity was stripped away. He learned that communication is based on manipulation. He learned that the powerful can do whatever they like to the weak. He learned an incredibly toxic, abusive way of life, and that was his family dynamic, his everyday life, for as long as he can remember. Now that he's free and safe, he's realising that the world doesn't actually work that way and that he's now far behind even shorter-lived races in social/emotional development. He's grieving for the person he could've been. He's grieving for the life he could've lived. He's grieving for all the years he already lost, and the ones he'll lose in the future as he flounders to catch up. A decent chunk of his life was stolen from him, and that's time he will never get back.

Flashbacks & Night Terrors: Specifically the kind where your brain convinces you that an injury you had a long time ago is actually an injury you have (or are receiving) right now. There are nights where he'll wake Tav in a panic, because his back feels like it's on fire, he can feel every freshly-carved wound dripping blood and he's in so much pain he doesn't know what else to do. If Tav looks, they see nothing out of the ordinary - old, long-healed scars, same as always. But the pain and the fear and the distress are all very real to him, and all they can do is try to comfort him, cover his back with cool damp cloths or healing salves, remind him he's safe now and they're not leaving him.

Boundary Shifting: Sometimes, Tav can come up and hug him from behind, and he'll melt into them a little bit and go all soft and happy. Other times, he might flinch away or go rigid at the same gesture. A lot of the time, it really depends on how he's feeling on the day, but at least a little bit of it is deliberate - he's pushing to find the limit of just how much autonomy Tav is willing to give him. He wants to know at what point they'll stop respecting his "no". Will they accept it if he doesn't want a hug? If he wants to sleep in his own room tonight? At what point will understanding turn to anger at being rejected? From the drow twins four/fivesome, we also know he's got a tendency to push his own boundaries, and jump into things he's actually not ready for, and Tav would be the one holding his hand through the fallout as he tries to figure out what his own boundaries even are.

Frustration! So, so much frustration. He wants to be Over It already. He wants to move past everything that ever happened to him and never think about it again. He hates that Cazador still has a grip on him, even in death - he doesn't want to give the bastard the satisfaction of dwelling on all his punishments, his cruelties. Sometimes, that frustration is going to explode outwards at Tav - he'll get angry at them for coddling him, or find something small to start a fight over, or he'll set an unreasonable boundary and try to defend it because he's still learning what healthy boundaries look like. Sometimes, it will implode inwards, and that won't be about Tav at all, but they'll get the brunt of it all the same - it might come out as self-loathing or self-punishment, and he'll react by doing something stupid, like trying to drive them away, because having a secure, relatively healthy relationship is terrifying and the instinct is to destroy it before Tav can. There will be yelling and angry tears and deeply unhealthy coping mechanisms, and they'd have to work through that. Trauma is ugly, and Astarion is right at the beginning of a very long journey towards healing.

Abandonment Issues: Astarion wants the relationship to be one between equals, but he's kind of got Tav on a pedestal all the same. They saved him. They helped him get rid of Cazador for good. They chose him and love him despite a wealth of better (in his eyes) options, and all his baggage. They stayed with him even when he has very little to offer them. We know his vanity and obnoxious self-absorption is a fragile attempt to obscure the fact that his self-esteem is in the dirt and he has virtually no self-worth, and there are a couple of occasions in-game where it becomes clear that he's afraid of losing the one person who somehow considers him lovable. After seeing Sebastian and all the other conquests, he begs Tav not to hate him, saying that he did what he had to. If he has a rival for Tav's affections, and Tav informs him that they broke up with the rival to be with Astarion, he's shocked and the first thing out of his mouth is, "You ended things with them for me? Why?" And if Durge tries to break up with him for his own safety, his facade drops and he immediately asks if he did something wrong. So while he's not afraid to argue with Tav, if something happens - like an angry outburst - that upsets or angers them, and he thinks he's at risk of losing that one steady, stable person in his life, he might well cling and overcompensate to try and repair what he thinks is a fracture in their relationship. He'll fawn or beg or crawl into Tav's bed to "apologise" and "make it up to them" because, well, very occasionally it worked on Cazador. With patience and good communication and lots of repeatedly driving the lesson home to overcome 200 years of education to the contrary, he will eventually start to believe that "I'm really pissed off at you right now," does not equate to, "You are the worst mistake I've ever made and I am leaving you."

Panic Attacks: I feel like honestly he'd get some symptoms of these on a fairly regular basis, but he's never been given any option other than just trying to power through them. He's used to realising he's shaking, he's used to feeling like he's watching himself from outside his body, or like he can't breathe even though he doesn't need to. He's very familiar with the sickening fear in his gut, so intense it makes his head spin. He's not used to being comforted or reassured about them - he thinks they're normal. Tav disagrees.

Anyway, cptsd is messy and complicated and often looks very different from person to person so these will not represent everyone's but these are just some ideas for what the ongoing recovery process might make them work through, based on the aspects I'm most familiar with.

Projecting? Who's projecting? I'm not projecting. Shut up.

#bg3 #bg3 headcanons #bg3 meta #astarion x tav #astarion x durge #mom said it's my turn to project on the blorbo #astarion ancunin

3K notes · View notes

radfemsiren · 10 months ago

Text

🤍A basic rundown of my beliefs as a radical feminist 🤍

(I don’t represent every radical feminist, but these are usually the standard opinions you’ll find of many radfems. Hate or disagree with them, that’s fine! But know the truth of who I am and what I stand for beforehand)

- there are 2 sexes, the male sex is oppressing the female sex

- femicide, rape, child sex abuse, hijab laws, female genital mutilation, domestic labor, trafficking, war crimes, revenge porn, prostitution… women and girls around the world are being exploited, tortured, and killed because of this oppression, and it must end.

- female oppression is sex based oppression, meaning a woman can’t just identify out of her oppression (for example hijab laws)

- sex is biological and an immutable truth, gender is a social construct

- gender should be done away with because gender roles are male supremacist and result in women and girls being stereotyped, dehumanized, barred from education, safety, bodily autonomy, etc.

- defining women with anything other than biology is misogynistic and relies on stereotypes

- the biological differences between men and women must be acknowledged in order to effectively end patriarchal oppression

- radical feminism is getting to the root of female oppression (radical -> root)

- misandry is not real and is just an extension of misogyny (for example, “men are told not to cry!” Yes because women are seen as inferior and any trait associated with us is seen as degrading/emasculating for men. This is why there is no female equivalent to emasculation.)

- all current religions are patriarchal and made by men to exploit and control women

- access to abortion is a human right and should never be threatened, women are the creators of life and deserve to gatekeep it, as well as exercise full autonomy over our own bodies

- Using sexist gender roles to define yourself is giving these misogynistic stereotypes power (wearing makeup or dresses doesn’t make anyone less or more of a woman, this is misogyny)

- the beauty industry is patriarchal and exploits women, our bodies and our money

- sex work is not work, it’s always exploitation (consent can not be bought)

- the porn industry is patriarchal and relies on trafficking, coercion, and rape to function. It also conditions its watchers to be aroused by violence against women, and results in more real life consequences for women and girls

- women’s spaces and institutions must be protected. Women’s safety is more important than catering to male feelings

- marriage is a patriarchal institution made to exploit the domestic labor of women for her entire life

- BDSM/kink are patriarchal and only center the pleasure and well being of men.

- hookup culture is patriarchal and the risk to reward is not worth it for women to engage in it

- gender ideology is patriarchal and is a direct hindrance to female liberation (we can’t define ourselves or our oppressors, we can’t create spaces away from our oppressors, we can’t create laws and policy based on these definitions, people who are gender non conforming / have gender dysphoria are pressured to alter their bodies to conform to a rigid standard and become lifelong medical patients, etc)

- choice feminism and liberal feminism caters to conforming to patriarchal standards and institutions, and refuses to examine why women make choices under patriarchy

- women of color face oppression on the axis of our sex and race, men of color only face oppression on the axis of their race

- non white patriarchal institutions must be criticized: a mullah is just as dangerous to the liberation of women as a pastor is

- women should decenter the men in their lives just as men have done with women. That means prioritizing us! Engaging in women’s media, art, stories, fostering female communities and support networks, uplifting and empowering their sisters around the world

- being a radical feminist means consistently taking radical action, big or small, we all can do it! Go support a female artist, go donate menstrual products to a shelter, go tell off a man when you see him making a woman uncomfortable. We all can make a difference!

…My feminism focuses on criticism of Islam and middle eastern patriarchy, but there are radfems with many focuses/passions… some in eco feminism, some on uplifting Romani women, black women, neurodivergent women, women with disabilities, prostituted women… some are passionate about women’s sports, women’s art, women’s writing, women’s history, lesbian and bisexual women’s stories… everyone has their passion on here, so before you come to attack, just check out my blog and click around at the different profiles on this corner of the internet…. maybe we might not be the terrible witches you thought us to be. Or maybe we are, but witches are awesome so who cares lol

539 notes · View notes

mikasasrippedtoenail · 1 year ago

Text

Profanity and Misogyny

"Motherfucker", "cunt" , "bitch", "Whore" etc. are words that are so commonly used in colloquial language that one almost forgets the nuance attached to them. In almost every language there exist a myriad of swear words that refer to the degradation of the female vagina. A woman's sex is seen as her badge of shame and if she has control over her it then she has become astray from the path of the virtue.

"To insult a man, you insult his woman". I remember awkwardly shuffling in my seat, getting very uncomfortable when male peers would call each other "motherfucker" or "cunts" so casually. A woman much older than them was reduced to her sex, a tool to insult their friends. My sex- the organ that I was born with- was a sign of weakness. If you are meek or a coward you are a "pussy". In my language, I could never find the word equivalent of vagina, for it was too sexualised to use in society. Before I was even old enough to understand the workings of my body, a organ that I had been born with was left redundant to its function to please a man-villified by porn.

"Fuck" is seen as an insult because men consider sex a defiling act that takes away the dignity of the woman. Another misogynistic implication is the term "deflowering"; having sex takes away her innocence. After sex, the woman is not a human to them but a "cunt". The sexual paraphernalia of a woman is associated with purity. There is such a huge emphasis that is put on the concept of virginity, because it brings control to the patriarchal society over a woman's autonomy.

The sexual liberation of 70s was brought as a rebellion to these norms- young women were groomed into thinking that sex is empowering. Hookup culture also emerged as an aftereffect of the sexual liberation. The politics of a woman's sex is argued all day while the male penis remains as a neutral organ despite having been a tool to oppress women.

Sex is a completely neutral act of pleasure that is neither degrading nor empowering. However, this statement would only exist in a vacuum. Men use sex as a form of violence upon women-rape is a political tool. For women to take back control of their sexual autonomy, they must acknowledge the politics of sex-or lack thereof. Selectively choosing whom you are having sex with is the first step.

I implore everyone to stop using degrading profanities that have misogynistic connotations. When others around me --especially men-- use these swear words, I ask them why their insults always involve a woman to be degraded and humiliated. Not acting as an accompalice to patriarchy, not keeping quiet against the patriarchal violence and spreading word against misogyny is the best silent mutiny.

#radical feminist safe #radblr #radical feminists do touch #female seperatism #radical feminism #terfsafe #radical feminists do interact #trans exclusionary radical feminist #terfblr #gender abolition #gender critical #sex based oppression #women are the superior sex #love women #swear words #profanity #misogny #anti religion

1K notes · View notes

storiumemporium · 2 years ago

Text

Astarion As a Father

Fem!Tav/Reader

I FINALLY GOT A NEW KEYBOARD WITH FULLY FUNCTIONING KEYS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I elected to write about something that's been giving me brainworms for ages, because I'd been talking about it with someone on here awhile ago and it just infested me. Astarion finding out you're pregnant and how he handles fatherhood. (Or, in this case, doesn't at first.) This isn't my best work but I blame it on the fact that I didn't intend for it to be THIS FUCKING LONG okay 😭

But without further ado, daddy Astarion:

Finding out:

When it comes to children, I think Astarion hasn't put much thought into it beyond 'me!? ABSOLUTELY NOT—'

He has no illusions about his state of mind and his faculties, you see. Astarion knows that he's fucked up, he knows that he's a problem, and he's only entirely too confident that any child unfortunately put under his care would likely end up just as damaged as he is, were they to miraculously make it to adulthood. He's just not equipped for it.

And, frankly, Astarion isn't even aware he can have children... That's just, not something he ever thought to question. He's undead, is he not? That should take care of the...fertility question.

Shouldn't it?

Truth be told, Cazador never told him of the possibilities because it was never meant to be a possibility. Astarion was too malnourished, his victims too short lived for anything to ever have come of it. He was supposed to die a sacrifice, not live to carry his own bloodline (hah) onward.

Were you to ever ask him about it, even jokingly over dinner one eve, he'd be very firm in the fact that it's a terrible idea and he'd be entirely unequipped. He would even go so far as to say he's the worst choice out of all of your past companions.

"Me? No. Absolutely not. I'm sure whatever little devil you managed to cook up would be the most charming child Baldur's Gate has ever seen... But even that magical explosive that fancied himself a God would be better suited to fatherhood, darling. I am built for luxury and adventure, nothing else." All bookended by typical Astarion preening.

So when the day comes and you inform him of the little life growing in your womb?

Nope. Not happening, not even a chance of happening.

The denial is strong with this one.

And when I say denial, I mean that Astarion well and truly blots out what you've said from his mind, as if it simply didn't happen at all. You never had the conversation, you never dropped the revelation, there is no child, he is not becoming a father.

It's not a lack of want— though he doesn't realize that yet— it's true, blinding terror. Before it was just a joke, just something for him to brush off with commentary about how terribly he'd do as a parent, better the uncle than anything else. But now it's a reality and to accept what you've said is to accept that he might well and truly destroy a child. But not just any, yours.

The traumas Astarion possesses heap onto his shoulders and slough off plentiful enough to make new oceans of it. Now, not only is he just beginning to regain his own autonomy, he's supposedly being given responsibility over a brand new life?

(It would only make sense for Astarion in retrospect, that the life you willingly sacrificed to nourish and nurture him would in turn allow him to grow a new life within you. The fool had just been too blind to consider it: The way, fresh off your blood, he could pull back from the delicate column of your throat and you would find his cheeks and ears and chest flushed with the loveliest shade of pink, eyes wide and soft and alive. The way his entire body would warm, going from corpse frigid to something just beneath normal. The way his once-still heart would slowly beat again.

He'd even asked you once- curled together on a familiar silken bed, foreheads touching and your hands clasped together between your chests- if you knew what it felt like to be so, so hungry that all you could even think about was about badly you wanted to eat? How food sounded so good that the desire became crossed and instead felt even more painful and nauseating? How it consumed your ability to make rational decisions, denied you the capacity to control your emotions?

He'd told you then, voice tender and timid and weak, that he'd felt like that every single day for two whole centuries, until the night you'd willingly laid down on that cot and put your life in his hands.

It was so simple really, of course you granted him the strength to create life. It was you.)

And of course it comes to a head before there is any chance at recovery. Your body begins to show the changes, you begin to swell, and Astarion only grows more avoidant and flighty. Because now he can't simply wipe the idea from his mind and continue on as if the child doesn't exist, the proof is there every single time he looks at you. He makes it very clear to you that he will not be returning to your side without a confrontation, a very potentially ugly one at that.

And ugly it is, explosive. Astarion hasn't truly had the time to recover from his life under Cazador, and all of those protective traits he grew remain sharp as ever, returning to the surface as if they'd never truly gone away to begin with. He sneers and hisses, tries his best to dig in and hurt you enough to stop poking his tender wounds. Enough to push you away so he can lick his wounds back open. He'll go so far as to accuse you of infidelity, though he regrets the words the moment they leave his lips, it's easier for him to imagine that you simply grew tired of him, that you were weary and longed for the daylight. That you wanted someone who could hold you beneath the sun, unlike him.

How you respond to this is entirely up to you, but just shy of throwing something truly despicable back into his face, such as Cazador, Astarion will apologize... eventually. If you remain stalwart and patient, if you have it in you to recognize that he doesn't mean his words, that he's barbing you with intent, Astarion will break down in that very same argument, his angry and accusatory rant will dissolve into an admission of deep insecurity and deeper terror.

But if you respond with anger? Justifiable, and Astarion knows that even in the moment as it's happening, but emotions rule him far more than he'd ever care to admit, and he will dig in and relish the reaction he's managed to draw from you. He will bristle and bite back until suspicion and bitterness fully claims his heart, and he aborts the conversation to hide in the shadows.

Astarion will wait until nightfall, until his freedom calls for him. The one thing that always manages to clear his head, even when you prove to be the cause of his muddying. It's a reminder, every time he steps into the cool and dark of Baldur's Gate, that Cazador is dead and he is a free man. That he can go where he chooses and when he chooses to, and not only that no one can stop him, but that you wouldn't even want to stop him.

And that truth is always what brings Astarion home.

Under the distant lonely stars and that cold moon, he has to remember that time and again you have let him. You have accepted him, you have not fought him on anything shy of a horrible mistake he wanted to make in a moment of weakness and hysteria. You have accepted all his deepest and ugliest wounds and kissed them like they were freckles to pour affection on. You fought Cazador for him, you defended him from your own friends. You even- at times- tested your own morals for him.

You wouldn't betray him, and Astarion knows he can't betray you.

Astarion would return to you late, curling into bed at your side, his eyes would not meet you, and his apology would come in the form of a simple confession. "I am... afraid. I am afraid."

Astarion wouldn't blame you if you don't forgive him immediately for his transgressions, he was cruel and you were vulnerable. But even then you'll find that your love doesn't abandon you again. He accepts- however frightened- that what you've said is true and is coming, and he must accept it. Mind you, it won't be perfect and it won't be romantic. Astarion doesn't know the intricacies of handling a pregnant woman, he's hardly tactful beyond his well honed and flirtatious lines. He genuinely loves you, but he's going to come pre-equipped as father material.

You need something? He'll get it with minimal complaint (but never none, you'd sooner get him to dye his hair black than cease complaining for the sake of it), he won't begrudge you your mood swings though he might be inclined to poke fun at you ever so often. And he will panic when you burst into tears for seemingly no reason, and no- time doesn't make him adjust, he will panic just as much the thousandth time as the first.

However, if it's any consolation. The moment your child enters the world, Astarion is a changed man.

When You Go Into Labor:

Astarion did the honors of informing all of your friends about your pregnancy, once he came to terms with it. And believe me when I say it is extravagant. The stationery and grandiose script that Astarion wields when informing everyone that you were expecting better fits a wedding invitation than it does... well. Very elegantly explaining that Astarion had accidentally knocked you up.

You can tell from the splotchy stains addressed to you from Wyll and Karlach that one of them had been crying when penning the message, Astarion has coin on Wyll, and you on Karlach. Lae'zel never responds to begin with and you know for a fact the Githyanki's response will likely come in the form of her simply showing up one of these days, unprompted. Jaheira personally and rather frequently visits as well, she becomes a sort of bastion as nerves take you over, confident and calm as she is. Halsin's "letter" arrives late, rather because alongside his letter is several little carved animals for the child's room, and mentions of a quilt he intends to bring along when next he visits. Shadowheart's letter, while congratulatory, contains an air of interrogation strung all about it, all aimed with pinpoint precision at the man responsible for your pregnancy and dripping with sarcasm.

Gale's letter is seven pages long, comes with a violet hued wax stamp, and multiple different inks in the most lavish hand he can manage. You daresay he's competing with Astarion. However, surprisingly, Gale's seems to be the most... helpful of them all? It wasn't your intent, you simply wanted your dear friend to join you in celebration, and yet Gale goes on to inform you that upon reading the letter he'd become a madman in pursuit of knowledge on pregnancy and giving birth. He admits that this wasn't a particularly fruitful endeavor, as he's rather confident that you're not a gnoll, troll, cambion, succubus, or any other variety of strange creature with strange metrics of procreation. Still, Gale directs the latter portion of his letter to Astarion quite pointedly, informing him of bookshops around Baldur's Gate where he might have more success.

Astarion scoffs, but you don't miss the way his fingers twitch and flex.

After the hilarity of this is resolved and you just begin to believe that peace might return to your soft little home in the city, the first of your companions begin to arrive.

This continues on for the next week or so, without you ever knowing that this had been planned- and without knowing that Astarion had been the one to plan it. It's a furthering of his apology, of his guilt over the way he'd treated you. Again, Astarion has no illusions of the kind of man he is, and the fact he's not nurturing in the sort of ways that you need- but he's not completely stupid and he knows you're scared. So... bring the cavalry, darling.

Eventually your entire home has become a crash pad for all of your dearest friends, your family, and you only grow suspicious of Astarion's hand in this chaos because he's surprisingly amicable to having his peace so thoroughly disturbed by 'everyone and their mother'. Truly, he manages to bite his tongue some of the time about them trampling his fine rugs and scratching the plates. He even seems... wistful about it. As nostalgic as you openly are at seeing all of these beloved people under one roof again.

Nights are filled with raucous laughter, clattering utensils, a table so thoroughly overcrowded that people are playfully shouldering each other out of the way for a chance to get at their own food. And Astarion stays faithful at your side, his hand perpetually clasped gently around yours, thumb rubbing over your knuckles. Days are never spent alone, no matter what it is you need to do, someone (if not everyone) is following you along. And though Astarion feels his heart ache that he can't join you, he'll be glad to know you're safe.

Besides, your companions are likely all taking turns tormenting, testing, and relentlessly teasing him about what is to come. He has his own hands full. He's starting to regret being such a generous lover.

And then your water breaks in the dead of night.

Remember how I said Astarion was far from perfect? This would be one of those moments that it really shines.

Not that he's particularly terrible, no. He's not actively cruel toward you, and certainly not dismissive, it's somewhat the opposite. Halsin and Jaheira end up the ones helping you, the only two with some iota of understanding on what was happening and what to do with and for you. The others, less experienced in "mundane" medical situations will take up the second most important role.

Prevent Astarion from catastrophizing any more than he already has been.

Karlach has been the sole force capable of keeping Astarion away from the wine, typically bear hugging him away from your cellar while Wyll tries his best to talk your lover down from a total nervous breakdown. Of which he nearly has, several times. It's not even the sight of you, specifically. He's okay with being at your side and holding your hand, in trying his best to provide comforting words that aren't laced with sarcasm for once. But the sounds you make, that's what breaks him. Astarion isn't good at hearing you scream from the pain, he isn't good at the choked sobs or your heavy breaths. The way you sound like you're struggling against death. It makes him want to crawl out of his own skin, fight assailants that aren't there.

And for a few hours there, in the midst of your labors and your exhausted, pained little cries, Astarion isn't sure how he can love the child causing you this much suffering. It's not as if Astarion was an altruistic man on his best days, as if he were particularly reasonable when it came to you. You've both come to a mutual understanding that were something to happen to you, no morals would be involved in the things Astarion would do to rectify it.

And now, here you are, suffering. Astarion isn't supposed to do a thing about it? He's supposed to be- what, overjoyed by it? It infuriates him, he's truly prepared to have a grudge match with an infant.

Until, as the sun is starting to creep up on a brand new day, it's no longer your screams that meet the air, but another's entirely. Tiny but powerful, high pitched little squeals of fury and distress. And your laughter, disbelieving, soft, adoring already.

Astarion has a daughter.

I go with the HC that Astarion had eyes like honey once, and that his daughter takes after that, along with the delicate points of his ears mirrored in her own. She's small, so small, but healthy and already feisty, wiggling as best as her tiny body can whilst still too heavy for her to lift and move.

You're the first to hold her of course, and Astarion will be at his knees beside the two of you. The expression he wears is something you've seen maybe two or three other times in the entire time you've known him- moments when you know he expected everything to fall apart, moments where he couldn't believe that the world was so good.

It's then that you can breathe for the first time, and know that both of your darlings will be just fine.

Once he does hold her, he's not inclined to let her go. Even once you ask to have her back, he'll simply move you into his lap, so that he can hold you both. It's better that way anyhow, having both of his girls in his arms. And Astarion will repeat again and again how stunned he is, he just can't believe it. Cannot fathom any of it. I think he's the type to say that he's speechless and then spend the next five minutes doing nothing but talking. It's nervous rambling, but still, speechless is not the term I would use to describe him here.

Astarion With Your Baby:

Once your little darling is actually in your lives, you get to see how hilariously unorthodox Astarion is with children. Especially his own. Astarion doesn't baby-talk like you or the rest of your companions, he speaks in the same exact tones as he would a grown woman. In fact, for the first few days you're adjusting to a child in your life, you sometimes mistake Astarion as speaking with an unexpected guest, only to round the corner and find him lightheartedly chastising his own daughter for her poor nappy conduct as he wrinkles his nose and changes her diaper.

He's disgusted by that, by the way. Absolutely hates it, complains loudly about having to do it. But if you so much as try to stand to help he'll force you back down onto your chair or the couch, something something not useless something something already up, darling. It's as if Astarion is simply allergic to admitting that while it makes him nauseous, he wants to care for his daughter. He wants you to rest.

And yes, Astarion is the type of father that thinks all other children are hideous little fecal beasts and his daughter is the only gorgeous little angel in the entire world. Perfect, can do no wrong. He tells her as such too, in the same deadpan voice he always uses, wiggling and stretching her legs.

"You know, darling. You should count your blessings, you're the only child I've ever seen that doesn't look like some sort of hideous, deformed bean. I can't be surprised though, with as gorgeous as your parents are." And though he rolls his eyes, he's unable to contain the grin that shows his teeth when she coos and squeaks at the sound of his voice.

And yes. Astarion dresses up with his child.

The older she gets the more he does it, little matching outfits and ribbons. Nothing that she would choke on, were she to get her mitts on it. (You had to be the one to tell him no, at first. He did throw a little fit about it, just a small one).

But it's not all lighthearted, good or bad.

There are times where Astarion won't touch your daughter, won't be alone with her in the same room. He fears it, he'll eventually tell you. His... affliction came with it's dangers, always. But he's always trusted that you could defend yourself, and you're big enough that he can't just kill you between one blink and the next. The same can't be said of your darling girl. She's so small and so fragile that, were he to lose even the slightest grip of himself around her, it could cost her her life. No doubt it would traumatize her for life, regardless.

You watch it, too. The way it pinches his brows and makes him wipe his palms against his pants as if he were sweating. Nervous habits creeping up his throat and causing him to pace about like a caged animal. It's during these times that you have to bring your daughter to him. Gently place her in his arms and remind him that he's loved her from the moment he saw her. And where once he held trepidation and queasiness at the prospect of fatherhood, you can see him care so much about this little bundle that he looks sick from it. A vulnerability he can't mask.

And of course, there are times he nearly weeps for other reasons.

Like when she takes her first steps, and immediately tries to run for him.

And Astarion knows he should let her tumble, that it's good to let her fall and get back up again, but the moment her unsteady feet cause her to careen she's safe in his arms. Little kisses peppered against her giggly face. And he'll tuck away against her to try and get his bearings back, but she'll pat his cheeks and tug his ears- and you'll have to distract her with a toy while he hiccups and sniffles down his need to cry. He wasn't ready for her to grow so fast, gone is the tiny bundle that could fit perfectly in one arm, now she's walking. How long before she's dating? Gods, should he be preparing for betrothal requests!?

"I want to be mortal." He whispers to you, one night. She's tucked between your bodies, sound asleep and wiggling from time to time. This is one of the rare moments you and your love can speak to each other uninterrupted, in the tranquility of the dark hugging around you.

It's strange that he brings this up now, you'd spoken about it several times since the Elder Brain had been taken down... But in the past few years since your daughter had been born, all of that had fallen to the wayside. "What brings this to mind, Starling?"

Your hand comes to cup his throat, as you watch and feel him work as if he were swallowing a stone. "I don't want to outlive this."

It's hard to blink the tears from your eyes, understanding the implications.

Were he actually two hundred years old, Astarion wouldn't survive well past the existence of his sweet little family.

He'd been more melancholy the past few weeks, after realizing that your daughter was beginning to function on her own. She was walking, grabbing things, talking in rudimentary sentences. She was even beginning to call him pa.

He'd cried, at that.

"I'll forget," his voice draws you out from that brief reverie. The distress is palpable, but runs low like the tide before a storm. "I'll forget all of this. I don't want to know what I'll become, then."

And when you run your hands up into his hair, to scratch lovingly along his scalp, he doesn't hide the shiver or the way his face presses against your palm, cold and smooth on your skin.

"We'll find a way, Astarion. I haven't given up yet... We just- she's too young."

It's both a strain and a relief, to know that. To be reminded that your daughter is still so small, that he won't be losing her- or you- any time soon. There's still time.

Astarion With Your Teen:

Arguably this is the best time between your daughter and him. It's simultaneously a surprise and yet- not at all? He's more like her confidante and best friend than strictly a father. He isn't one for harsh curfews and strict ways of dress- rather, he's the one she comes to when she's made some sort of mistake. Or when she's angry about something.

In general, Astarion withholds judgement of her, for better or worse. The unintended consequence is that you might become more of her enemy than Astarion, because he's less inclined to punish for questionable behaviors.

It's not that he's afraid of angering her or dealing with push back- rather that Astarion's frame of reference for what constitutes a mistake is ah... rather broken. Even in the beginnings of your relationship with Astarion, the mistakes that would anger him constituted dropping an entire building on his head or... risking being turned into a Mindflayer to help some old lady find her cat.

Not feeling up cute boys in alleyways.

As a result you'll likely need to have a few conversations with him about not being so lenient on her, because she needs to have structure in how to behave. Stealing things is in fact, not okay! And Astarion will listen, but he's always going to be a bit more of a friend than anything else.

A total gossip with her, too. You'll catch them huddled around the dinner table at night, both with a glass of wine (this was an argument that Astarion ended up winning, she's allowed one glass a week, but that's all!) in hand shittalking a storm together. Astarion has become the Baldur's Gate equivalent of a PTA mom, he shows up as stylishly as he can and beefs with the parents of whichever children have upset his daughter the most. And then when they get home they just toss it back and forth together.

But I want to stress, just because he doesn't punish her doesn't mean he isn't protective of her. Astarion is more protective than you are.

Once she begins dating you'll find yourself home alone semi-frequently, because Astarion will play the supportive, loving father part when she leaves- and immediately follow her out into the dark. He's had centuries to know what dangers lurk around every corner, and foggy memories of simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time before his nightmare began. He won't allow that to happen with his girl.

And it's funny, because Astarion will talk mad shit to himself while he does it. Logically he knows that she's with some teenage boy or girl, but it doesn't stop the petty, emotional side of him from rolling his eyes and sneering at the cheap one-liners and the dumb tactics that this would-be charmer utilizes. Really, taking her into dark alleys to get her to tuck into you? Going to a totally secret spot that Astarion has known about for at least a hundred and sixty years? Get real, kid.

And you have to try valiantly not to laugh when he comes home, huffing and puffing about it. Because you will hear every single petty thought he had the entire time, and you will know that he looks like a petulant child. It's very cute.

All in all, I think Astarion is a reckless, chaotic, petty father. And one that loves his child so, so much. To the point of ruin, to the point where suddenly staying in one place doesn't seem so bad, just so she can have friends. Helping people isn't the worst, just so she can know there are heroes in the world. Suddenly he's learning to bandage scrapes and kiss bruises, and having tears and snot on his clothes mean nothing compared to the grief of the one shedding them. He loves her in ways he didn't anticipate he ever could. Enough to know all of her ticks and secrets, to know when she's lying through her teeth and when she's being devastatingly obvious.

Learning to cook even when he can't eat, listening to her spin a story with a straight face and then- as she's stepping out the door- telling her to be careful with that boy and listening to her groan loudly as the door slams shut, a mischievous smile on his face.

Holding you and dancing you around, cradling you close with all the tenderness he has in the whole of his body and soul. Kissing you, calling you the mother of his child, thanking you for giving him something he didn't even know he'd wanted. A family.

Small and odd, but his.

#astarion ancunin #astarion #astarion x tav #astarion ancunin x tav #astarion x reader #astarion ancunin x reader #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

1K notes · View notes

drdemonprince · 2 months ago

Note

Hi! I just wanted to hand something off to you. I was the one who asked about self-harm, cutting in my case, as a positive expression of sexuality (though I used sexuality as shorthand for what I consider a tertiary feeling to traditional sexuality, something that I think more closely describes my relationship to cutting as an asexual person, but that's a tangent). Anyway, your exceptionally open-minded reply bolstered my confidence, like, a lot. It motivated me to start pulling together relevant resources with help from other users in the Death Panel discord server. The first thing I was given back was a piece which immediately changed my life, and I wanted to share it. More specifically, I've always found something bothersome about the concept of "harm reduction" as a keystone in the topic of self-harm; primarily that it leaves open the "rhetorically" undeniable assertion that the ultimate reduction in harm would be abstinence of that harm in its entirety. I wanted to point especially at the concept presented in this article which concerns the definitive delineation of harm. I've tried like 4 times now to summarize the point made, but I cannot in a way which is as satisfying as the piece itself: https://pasleciel.substack.com/p/measure-once-cut-twice-in-defense Thank you again, because your act of understanding has genuinely saved my life. I don't think I'd have felt like I had a leg to stand on without your reply.

Thanks for sharing that link, I will check it out! I'm really glad you messaged and glad that my reply was helpful to you. I think "harm reduction" does kinda present the stigmatized act as one that does still cause some harm -- and in presenting it that way, it tries to convince the skeptical that permitting a behavior is better than attempting to ban or control it because acceptance allows that harm to be mitigated or worked around. That position still presents the behavior as a thing to be permitted or tolerated by others rather than the individual's right and sole business no matter what. The harm reductionist model came into being in order to push back against forced abstinence, forced institutionalization, and forced treatment -- the norm was already to rob the person engaging in the behavior of their autonomy by default, and so an argument for giving that autonomy back kinda had to be made. But abandoning that sort of thinking entirely and abandoning clinical judgements of excessiveness or harm is the logical next step.

If we continue trying to drag more behaviors under the banner of the "socially sanctioned" one by one -- as the piece you linked puts it -- instead of doing away with the power of social sanctions entirely, then we don't really get very far. We keep having to prove that the behavior has some prosocial and positive health benefit. I've always favored total libertarian anarchy instead. A person should be free to remove body parts, cause themselves disability, scar or mutilate themselves, change the shape of their body, change their body's functionality etc as they see fit because that's theirs to decide, and anything less means that people have the authority to judge whether their reasons are "good" enough (which usually turns into demanding that the person prove that the changes they want will make them more valuable to somebody else).

All said, I'm really glad you find cutting enjoyable and meaningful, and I brought up the example to my disability ethics class at the medical school this week thanks to you.

107 notes · View notes

pollen-blogs · 5 months ago

Text

Original Timeline Tsukasa VS New Timeline Amane

This post is to talk about the differences and similarities between the Yugi brothers in their possessed states

Similarities:

Both brothers work as hosts, in a parasitic relationship

Their strength and overall skills are greatly heightened

The entity possessing them can easily speak through them (we don't know however if it still can after 'Tsukasa' went back to his family, because we haven't heard it talk since.)

They both have the imagery of holes/bottomless pits to symbolise the hole that Kannagis + Tsukasa fell into

Differences:

While it is unclear as to how much of the original Tsukasa remains, it's always been shown that he shares his body and consciousness with the God. Meanwhile, Amane has moments of full autonomy over his body. Whenever he isn't however, he completely blacks out and can barely remember what happened (-> He was medicated, because he thought he had some kind of memory disorder, most likely FCD, Functional Cognitive Disorder judging from his "symptoms")

Similar point as the previous one but this is still worth saying: Tsukasa seems to have more agency than Amane. He technically wasn't allowed to leave the Red House but he managed to get the God on board with it, maybe because it wasn't really in a position to deny him anything but oh well. Meanwhile Amane is completely at the God's mercy, using him as a puppet to help catch prey.

The pit in Amane's face is different from Tsukasa's as it is clearer and shows the God's tentacles. (And also it's on his face and not his torso but yeah...)

Tsukasa can easily dodge attacks, which means that he CAN get hurt (not destroyed since he's a Yorishiro, but hurt), while Amane chooses not to, which means that he CAN'T get hurt, at least not for long. This could imply that maybe Amane's connection to the God is stronger than our Tsukasa's. 'Amane' also seems to have more likeness to the God than Tsukasa in terms of powers and appearance. (-> Since people never stopped believing in Gods who demand sacrifices, the God under the well most likely never was sealed away and is just as powerful as it was back then, not a shadow of its former glory.)

#tbhk #toilet bound hanako kun #yugi twins #yugi tsukasa #yugi amane

178 notes · View notes

lifeafterpsychiatry · 1 month ago

Note

people are so overdramatic. My 5 plus year bf is schizophrenic (or at the very least schizoaffective) and had a terrible experience with psychiatric hospitals and forced antipsychotics. He doesn’t take meds, has auditory hallucinations, but can functionally do all he needs to (not that ability matters when it comes to the choice to be medicated!) and has a good life with me and the cats. My depression and (?? Autism? Maybe not, adhd, for sure) whatever else I have going on will literally have me sleeping 23 hours a day; the SSRI I’m on has changed my adult life and given me the ability to work and be creative. These are not two contradictory ideas- it’s simply the result of letting adult people make an informed choice of what they want to do with their bodies!

Yeah defending people's bodily autonomy means BOTH "it's okay to take psych meds" AND "it's okay to not take psych meds." It's not about idealizing one or the other as the objectively right answer, it's about actually trusting people to know their own bodies and make their own decision, whether they have schizophrenia or depression

#chat with kat

103 notes · View notes

fernsnailz · 2 months ago

Note

As a writer who's kinda dabbled in this very similar idea of a transfem metal who has overcome Eggman's programming, there's something I'm somewhat curious about.

For some small context, the idea I'm playing with is that, much like with Mecha Sonic and the scrapniks on Scrapnik Island, Metal's personality is somewhat separate from Eggman's programming, which appears to function as a sort of command override crossed with an inhibitor chip, which got damaged in a battle and led to Metal being lost and left behind.

In any case, I like the idea of Metal basically being a normal person, manipulation notwithstanding. How'd you decide to run with that idea for her? and more to the setting, how do the scrapniks and Mecha Sonic fit in with this, if they're part of your story's canon? What do they think of Metal?

and lastly, does Metal not want to modify her body to show she's changed? With like a new paint scheme or something?

Sorry for the long ask!

oh interesting! hmm i wrote my thoughts under the cut here. theyre kinda train of thought lol

i wanted to try out a metal sonic learning autonomy/becoming a person story because i wanted to write a narrative about metal actively learning how to BE a person at all. for her to be in this future, she had to completely reject the ideals and beliefs eggman instilled in her and the variety of complexes that arose from her wanting to be the "real" sonic. the process is long and difficult because that really WAS what she wanted and truly believed in the past, regardless of if it was just eggman's code or her programming or whatever. it was all she had to hold onto for a long time, and boy did she hold onto it tight lol

so for metal to truly change, every single belief metal held as truth while under eggman's control had to be directly challenged and faced, then completely shattered. her life beyond that i honestly view as a really long healing process. transitioning, making friendships (albeit strained ones), trying to figure out what to do now... it takes a while for metal to figure out how to even live at all because it takes a long time to heal that big of a wound. that's why i spend time during the good future comic showing that metal's current life isn't like. perfect. she's still healing, still mending relationships, still learning how all this "life" stuff works at all.

i think the scrapniks could be interesting to fit into any metal redemption/future story… i haven't thought a lot about how they fit into good future au or interact with my metal, but i think the scrapniks have varying opinions on metal. i think any initial interactions between good future metal and scrapnik mecha are just really awkward lol. like they're very similar in how they both chose to live for themselves regardless of what eggman coded in them, but i think it would be hard for mecha to initially let go of the idea that metal was his replacement in a sense. but i think his desire to live for the future is stronger than that insecurity, so they would be chill eventually. just not like. pals lol

tbh i think sigma might have a harder time accepting metal's change. like if i'm remembering my timelines correctly then sigma is probably the scrapnik that would be most aware of metal's capabilities and her former title of eggman's magnum opus. might be hard to let go of that

i think a lot of the smaller scrapniks would love metal tho. like before she rejected eggman, one of her core programming goals was to protect badniks and prevent damage from coming to them so they probably think she's the bee's knees. big sis or whatever

and good future metal does do some body modification eventually! i think once she realizes she CAN, she goes really hard on a total rejection of the "sonic" image

thats all i got good luck on ur story!!

#asks #born to fail

61 notes · View notes

ranticore · 2 months ago

Note

this may be too big a question to easily answer, but how does the internal experience of a kattakati.... work? what does it feel like to claim something out of your control as a part of yourself? or to loosen up your grip on "identity" enough to allow an independent entity to fit within it without contradiction? do they perceive each other as independent, even? or is it a given that a part of yourself will retain autonomy and it just doesn't bother them much?

so zeta developed extremely differently to the other sirenians and are more influenced behaviourally and psychologically by their genetic engineering, so their points of view are slightly different on a population-wide level. for zeta, the formation of a kattakati bond is a distant extension of their genetic engineering. the engineers basically went into their brains with a hammer, like a bull in a china shop, to smash away any POSSIBILITY of their engineered slaves forming community, viewing one another as allies, social function, language, some areas of memory etc. the zeta generation sirenians were supposed to be workers who would never organise, never wish for more, and were cheaper than robots to maintain (self-sustaining!!!)

it's this specific goal of the genetic engineers that caused the uprising in the first settlement on Siren; when Ishmael et al learned what the engineers were doing, and realised that it would be morally unconscionable to allow it to occur. they made the choice - FOR the zeta, who were not given any representation in this rebellion - that the genetic code could never make it off the planet, to be used elsewhere. and that meant a (ultimately failed) attempt to hunt the first generations of zeta to extinction.

in any case the zeta population had to live with these effects and re-develop social functioning, p.much from scratch. this is why they're the only sirenian group i generalise in my posts; they were insular, apart from everyone else, and had very little input from other populations for almost the entirety of siren's history. when redeveloping their social functioning, they developed the early form of kattakati to kind of... reverse-engineer family groups. if you are engineered to be hyper individualistic, the world is not "us" but "me vs everything else". but community is good for survival. if you expand "me" to include other people, who are also "me", then they can perform this sleight of hand that enfolds others into your individualistic sense of Me Vs The World. the first kattakati were comprised of many bodies, forming large, complex structures, and in these I/Me/We/Us ceased to have independent meaning.

over time the broken social function became functional, but not repaired or regenerated or whatever, they still experience a different internal state than most other sirenians, but it works, and they don't need to encompass ALL of their community into their 'Me' in order to care for them or cooperate with them. i touched on it in this post but friendships require some care and effort to maintain still, and there can be an element of play-acting kattakati with others as a way to teach oneself how to form other bonds, like training wheels. but the concept of kattakati has become largely ritualised rather than strictly functional, this is where all the stuff about balance and various taboos come from. most zeta don't participate and they do fine Living In A Society.

so to answer your actual questions:

what does it feel like to claim something out of your control as a part of yourself? - so is your digestive system, your hair colour, your health. it requires trust, of course, but you aren't supposed to want to control all aspects of yourself. attaining this state of balance between red and blue within a single kattakati involves accepting a loss of control.

or to loosen up your grip on "identity" enough to allow an independent entity to fit within it without contradiction? - i feel this way about marriage, which is, intrinsically, kind of a horrifying concept! but you have to trust. contradiction is natural (if two bodies of a kattakati agree on everything all the time, it's actually deemed suspicious! they're trying too hard to make it fit, and therefore aren't compatible). now to be able to loosen that grip, first you need to have been raised in a culture where developing that grip does not feature. although they were made to be hyper-individualistic, what actually resulted was almost a hive mind in the strictest sense, not the pop-science imagining of it. that 'Me', when encompassing so many people, can very easily become a completely interchangeable, functionally identical Us/Me. but if you are one of the many zeta raised somewhere else, with a mixed community of zeta and others, you might hang onto a concept of identity that could make forming a kattakati bond an uncomfortable idea. some still do it, others reject it entirely. most kattakati feel pretty neutral about it though... it's just how they are.

do they perceive each other as independent, even? or is it a given that a part of yourself will retain autonomy and it just doesn't bother them much? - it's the second thing. it shouldn't bother you (within reason). sometimes the component bodies will workshop what kind of person they are - are they patient, aggressive, argumentative, kind, easygoing? it's possible for a kattakati's personality to be different to what the component bodies' would be if they were unbonded.

#now this might all be extremely stupid but it's not hard sci-fi so whatever. it's all plot device.#they were basically born lobotomised in the first generation. but life uh finds a way!!!!!#setting: siren

56 notes · View notes

chxckens · 2 months ago

Text

was thinking p hard the other day abt steve rogers and bodily autonomy

being chronically ill, especially when you're young, can really make you feel like a prisoner in your body. you begin to see your body as a separate entity to the rest of you- you begin to see your body as an enemy. you have no say in when it decides to function properly. you feel you're a passenger in your own life. you get used to being touched and poked and prodded by medical professionals. you don't really have the option to say no, not if you want to live.

and then steve gave his body to his country and got the serum. he wasn't sick anymore, but his body still wasn't his. it belonged to the country. it belonged to a cause.

so many of steve's decisions can be framed as him trying to regain his autonomy. getting into fights as a sickly kid. working so hard to get himself drafted into a war. trying to give his life for the greater good- again, and again, and again. (hey, steve- you good? you wanna talk about it?)

#badeggs.biz #marvel #steve rogers #drinking game for every time steve rogers tries to give his life for a cause. you die of alcohol poisoning #captain america #rotating him in my mind

138 notes · View notes

mbti-notes · 6 months ago

Text

Anon wrote: I’m a 29yo INFJ lagging in personal development. Low self-worth and a lot of shame about how I am. I started therapy to work on my social anxiety. In the meantime, I read one of your answers (/post/766608536971149312) and it made me want to ask about how to get in touch with who I am. I have a weak sense of self because I have neglected myself for a long time.

I feel like I have no goals, no ambitions, no interests, no identity. I don’t know if I have anything positive to express into the world right now. All I know is I want to connect with people. I like people and it pains me that I don’t know how to be with them. But how can I connect with people when I have nothing to express or contribute (and that, in itself, causes me shame)? How do I begin the journey towards knowing myself?

-------------------

That post was about INTPs with regard to inferior Fe and lack of regard for one's place in the social world. In case it needs to be said, beware of extrapolating information about inferior Fe and trying to apply it to auxiliary Fe. The two should not be treated the same way.

Although they are the same function, the difference in functional stack position makes a big difference in the perspective one ought to take toward function development. Anyone of any type can experience socializing difficulties, but the underlying reasons behind the difficulties are very different for each type and thus require different approaches.

Yes, in many ways, it is problematic to have a weak sense of self. And, yes, being empty inside means you don't have much to contribute to the world outside. Although this might apply to you, is a weak sense of self really the root problem in your particular case?

A weak sense of self is actually simple to address. All you need to do is start living life more openly, actively, and assertively. It's not very difficult to "contribute". If you are an able-bodied person, there are many worthy causes you could devote yourself to. There are lots of possibilities all around you if you open your eyes and look. Get up and get out into the world. Do things. Participate. Get involved. Experiment. Explore. Take charge. Take on more responsibility.

Through gaining a wide variety of life experiences and learning about yourself from them, you'll gradually forge a stronger sense of self. Adolescence to early adulthood (13-25) is normally the time when people do the bulk of their self building, which is why you generally see teenagers demanding more and more autonomy to live life on their own terms. If you've lived a sheltered life, either because your parents sheltered you or you sheltered yourself, then you are more likely to have a weak sense of self because of not possessing enough worldly experience. It's never to late to start, though.

But you aren't able to implement this simple solution, are you? Why is that? You mention social anxiety, the root of which is usually shame, most likely toxic shame. Shame is a normal and healthy response to falling short of moral ideals, i.e., feeling like a "bad" person prompts you to change your behavior for the better and become a "good" person.

However, toxic shame is about not valuing yourself because other people have, intentionally or not, made you believe that you have no value, perhaps to the point where you believe you are inherently a bad person who can't change. Shame is a more primary concern in your case than weak sense of self, though the two can be related.

The real world mirrors back to you the truth of who you are. Therefore, in order to see yourself, you have to make yourself seen out there in the real world. But the world is an imperfect mirror. If you've been unlucky and encountered too many people throughout life who have made it clear that they don't like what they see when they look at you, it is only natural for you to not like looking at yourself as well. You are not to blame for that.

This raises an interesting question, though. How reliable and valid were those people's perceptions of you? After all, we know that human beings suffer from many kinds of biases and prejudices. Are you certain that the people who have judged you did so objectively and impartially? Are you certain that those people were eminently qualified to appraise you and your worth? You'd better be certain, that is, if you're going to adopt their way of judging you and put yourself down so harshly.

Framing the problem like this, perhaps you can start to see that it goes deeper than Fe. Perhaps it goes all the way down to Se. It is easy to spot INFJs with unhealthy Se. They are usually unwilling or unable to participate in the real world. Why? In the real world, there is no place to hide, so you don't get to indulge the fantasies of unhealthy Ni. You don't get to lie about who you really are. It is safer and more comfortable to live in an insulated world of your own making, where you don't have to hear outside opinions about yourself.

Isn't that what you really mean when you say you've "neglected yourself for a long time"? That you've purposely avoided facing up to reality and, thus, haven't been developing your potential? Perhaps it's time to confront the discomfort you feel in the real world and understand what it's really about? Perhaps it's time for you to grapple very seriously with the question of how you define the worth of a person?

Do you believe that every person you meet has to "contribute" something to you in order for you to consider them worthy of your time and attention? That's a very cold and transactional approach to human relationship, isn't it? If you don't believe that, why would you assume that you must "contribute" something in order to call yourself worthy?

It's easy to spot people who suffer from toxic shame. They behave as though they don't have a right to speak or even a right to exist. Do you believe you have a right to exist in this world? If so, speak up for yourself and take up the space that is rightfully yours. You really want to connect with people? You'll find it difficult as long as you believe you're not a person worth connecting with and that no one would want to connect with you.

You've asked me how to get to know yourself better. I've pointed you to the best path, which is to participate fully in the real world and go through the exciting process of building a life of substance for yourself. Maybe this is the last thing you want to do, but that usually indicates it's the most important thing you have to do.

Do you struggle with Ti loop? Such INFJs commonly react to good advice with excuses as to why they can't do it or how it doesn't apply to their "special" case, or they'll go around soliciting opinions from a million people until someone tells them it's okay to keep avoiding reality. I'm not here to convince people to change. I can only tell you that facing up to your fears and challenging yourself to do difficult things is necessary for real growth to happen. Whether you do it is in your hands.

#infj #auxiliary fe #inferior se #socializing #self worth #shame #sense of self #social anxiety #ask

40 notes · View notes