#with autonomy and a working functioning body

[bebethsas]

ohhhhh hello--hello, this is delightful.

lol, I was going through the tags, and one stuck out to me about how they love making food for their partner and seeing them enjoy it

and I think it's significant to share that one of my deepest wishes in a partner is to be taken care of--specifically to be FED

look, I have ADD (ADHD, but lacks the turbo-power), which means that I forget to eat. A LOT. Or, I'm unable to make food for myself, thanks to my executive function disorder, which makes me put off and put off and put off eating/ making food until suddenly it's been two hours and I'm ravenously hungry. So I end up eating like a scavenger animal (making short=/quick-prepared things, or microwaving leftovers) at like, 2 in the morning. Hand to god, I've been living off of slices of mozzerella on wheat crackers for *days* now. Why? B/c it's tasty and convenient and takes less than 2 minutes to make, and after putting off eating for so long, my blood sugar is dipping uncomfortably low, making me *extra* impatient.

So a secret, unrealistic wish/daydream of mine is being with someone who brings me food, unasked.

Like, they come up ot me while I'm in the middle of frantically typing something, gently touch my shoulder, tell me that they made me something, set down a bowl or a plate in front of me (to the side of my PC), kiss me on the cheek, and let me enjoy my warm little bowl of love and deliciousness. And I just might have to worship the ground they walk on because of it, I don't know.

and yeah, I call it unrealistic b/c something that selfless and generous doesn't just happen, y'know? You have to ask them to make something specific for you, and if they agree to do it, then you have to do something in return, otherwise it's not fair, and you're just taking advantage of their hard work and generosity. Also it's unrealistic to expect/ think that they'll do this a bunch b/c 'cooking is hard work' (it is), and 'it dirties a lot of dishes,' and 'it's not fair that I have to do the cooking all the time and you don't even make an effort to help.'

...can you tell that my family dynamic has ingrained some fucked-up things in my head around using 'acts of service' as a love language?

[lassieposting]

Been thinking a lot lately about romanced Astarion post-spawn ending.

Because like. The Funnest™ thing about cptsd is how much of it gets delayed. When you're trapped in a lengthy, ongoing traumatic situation, you do not have the ability to process and start healing your mental wounds. Your brain and body go into survival mode, and all that matters in the moment is that you somehow cope with the horrors. He wouldn't have been able to even begin dealing with the physical, mental and emotional toll of two hundred years of torture, brutalization and dehumanization while he was under Cazador's control; he is in constant danger, surrounded by sharks in the water, and survival means not letting them smell blood. He can't afford to fall apart, to show weakness. He is shockingly functional and competent in-game, partly because he has to be to work as a game character, but also partly because...it do be like that, to some degree. When death, for whatever reason, is not an option, you just have to shut down and keep going. People adapt in order to survive, and when we learn that showing an "injury" (physical or psychological) only gets us punished, we learn to hide it.

Early-game Astarion is terrified - of Cazador, of Godey, of being hunted down by his siblings, of being staked or sold off at the first opportunity by Tav and the other companions, of turning into a mindflayer, of another painful transformation, of losing himself when he's only just regained his autonomy after two centuries, of what Cazador will do to him if he ever finds him - the man is overwhelmed by fear. He's on thin ice as a vampire, and he's not going to give them any more reason to want him gone. Survival instinct is still in control, and in this new situation, crafting some fragile safety for himself means not only selling his body for protection, but also being useful. Clear-headed. Good in a fight.

Endgame Astarion finds himself in a completely different situation. The time-sensitive overarching threats - Cazador and impending ceremorphosis - have been dealt with. He has a loving, supportive partner he's really starting to feel safe with - Tav/Durge has proved that they're on his side, that their affection is genuine, that they don't just want him for the one thing he's been told he's good for. They've told him they're going to help him find a workaround for his sun allergy. He's getting fed regularly. He has time to stop, and breathe, and just. Recuperate.

For the first time in 200 years, he is safe.

And it will probably take a while to catch up, during which time he will seem to be coping really well, but at some point, his brain is going to realise that he's safe, and it's going to finally start processing the sheer fucking horror he's been through. Since I haven't seen anyone talking about this particular fun aspect of cptsd, allow me to offer u some thoughts on issues Astarion and Tav might end up dealing with in the months/years postgame, during the

✨ Delayed Trauma Response ✨

Memory Gaps: Astarion realising, as he opens up to Tav, that there are entire years or decades of his life from which he has only a handful of memories. Great big blank stretches where he has no idea where he was, who he was with, what was happening to him. Some of the gaps cover years at a time where he was so dissociated and shut down that he just didn't retain any memories of what was going on around him. Some are shorter periods of particularly horrific torture that his brain has deliberately blocked out to protect him.

Recovered Memories: At some point, years into the future when he's done A Lot of healing, he might find that every now and then, a fragment of those lost memories will unexpectedly come back to him. He'll catch a particular scent on the breeze, or overhear a specific phrase in the street, or cross paths with someone whose face is oddly familiar, and he'll get a glimpse of an acute horror he'd filed neatly away where it couldn't hurt him anymore. He very rarely remembers all the context to those flashes of his past. He might recall that he was punished, but not what he was punished for, or he might remember words spoken by a greedy conquest, but be unable to recall the man's face.

Dissociation: Tav knows going into this relationship that Astarion has basically made an art out of dissociating during sex. They also know, from their shared encounter with the drow twins, that he's not great at enforcing his own boundaries - he'll always say he'll speak up and back out if he stops having fun, but in practice he rarely does; he's not used to having the option of saying no to his partner, and being punished if he tries. So they know there's going to be some practice and experimentation and negotiation necessary there, to figure out the rough limits of his comfort zone. But once he starts really processing, there may be days where he just checks out completely. Tav will touch his shoulder, and he'll startle and apologise - "Terribly sorry, darling, I was miles away for a moment there." And Tav will gently point out that he's been sat in the same spot vacantly staring into the middle distance for hours. They've been checking in on him occasionally and this is the first time he's responded. It's unsettling, to say the least.

Lost Time: Astarion was very young when he was turned, physically mature but emotionally juvenile. He was basically an overgrown teenager, in the phase of life where elves are just starting to learn who they are and what they want, and figure out their place in the world. But he never got to do that, because he spent his formative young adult years in a world where everyone became an abuser, where his only means of surviving was to smile and charm and obey while even his basic human dignity was stripped away. He learned that communication is based on manipulation. He learned that the powerful can do whatever they like to the weak. He learned an incredibly toxic, abusive way of life, and that was his family dynamic, his everyday life, for as long as he can remember. Now that he's free and safe, he's realising that the world doesn't actually work that way and that he's now far behind even shorter-lived races in social/emotional development. He's grieving for the person he could've been. He's grieving for the life he could've lived. He's grieving for all the years he already lost, and the ones he'll lose in the future as he flounders to catch up. A decent chunk of his life was stolen from him, and that's time he will never get back.

Flashbacks & Night Terrors: Specifically the kind where your brain convinces you that an injury you had a long time ago is actually an injury you have (or are receiving) right now. There are nights where he'll wake Tav in a panic, because his back feels like it's on fire, he can feel every freshly-carved wound dripping blood and he's in so much pain he doesn't know what else to do. If Tav looks, they see nothing out of the ordinary - old, long-healed scars, same as always. But the pain and the fear and the distress are all very real to him, and all they can do is try to comfort him, cover his back with cool damp cloths or healing salves, remind him he's safe now and they're not leaving him.

Boundary Shifting: Sometimes, Tav can come up and hug him from behind, and he'll melt into them a little bit and go all soft and happy. Other times, he might flinch away or go rigid at the same gesture. A lot of the time, it really depends on how he's feeling on the day, but at least a little bit of it is deliberate - he's pushing to find the limit of just how much autonomy Tav is willing to give him. He wants to know at what point they'll stop respecting his "no". Will they accept it if he doesn't want a hug? If he wants to sleep in his own room tonight? At what point will understanding turn to anger at being rejected? From the drow twins four/fivesome, we also know he's got a tendency to push his own boundaries, and jump into things he's actually not ready for, and Tav would be the one holding his hand through the fallout as he tries to figure out what his own boundaries even are.

Frustration! So, so much frustration. He wants to be Over It already. He wants to move past everything that ever happened to him and never think about it again. He hates that Cazador still has a grip on him, even in death - he doesn't want to give the bastard the satisfaction of dwelling on all his punishments, his cruelties. Sometimes, that frustration is going to explode outwards at Tav - he'll get angry at them for coddling him, or find something small to start a fight over, or he'll set an unreasonable boundary and try to defend it because he's still learning what healthy boundaries look like. Sometimes, it will implode inwards, and that won't be about Tav at all, but they'll get the brunt of it all the same - it might come out as self-loathing or self-punishment, and he'll react by doing something stupid, like trying to drive them away, because having a secure, relatively healthy relationship is terrifying and the instinct is to destroy it before Tav can. There will be yelling and angry tears and deeply unhealthy coping mechanisms, and they'd have to work through that. Trauma is ugly, and Astarion is right at the beginning of a very long journey towards healing.

Abandonment Issues: Astarion wants the relationship to be one between equals, but he's kind of got Tav on a pedestal all the same. They saved him. They helped him get rid of Cazador for good. They chose him and love him despite a wealth of better (in his eyes) options, and all his baggage. They stayed with him even when he has very little to offer them. We know his vanity and obnoxious self-absorption is a fragile attempt to obscure the fact that his self-esteem is in the dirt and he has virtually no self-worth, and there are a couple of occasions in-game where it becomes clear that he's afraid of losing the one person who somehow considers him lovable. After seeing Sebastian and all the other conquests, he begs Tav not to hate him, saying that he did what he had to. If he has a rival for Tav's affections, and Tav informs him that they broke up with the rival to be with Astarion, he's shocked and the first thing out of his mouth is, "You ended things with them for me? Why?" And if Durge tries to break up with him for his own safety, his facade drops and he immediately asks if he did something wrong. So while he's not afraid to argue with Tav, if something happens - like an angry outburst - that upsets or angers them, and he thinks he's at risk of losing that one steady, stable person in his life, he might well cling and overcompensate to try and repair what he thinks is a fracture in their relationship. He'll fawn or beg or crawl into Tav's bed to "apologise" and "make it up to them" because, well, very occasionally it worked on Cazador. With patience and good communication and lots of repeatedly driving the lesson home to overcome 200 years of education to the contrary, he will eventually start to believe that "I'm really pissed off at you right now," does not equate to, "You are the worst mistake I've ever made and I am leaving you."

Panic Attacks: I feel like honestly he'd get some symptoms of these on a fairly regular basis, but he's never been given any option other than just trying to power through them. He's used to realising he's shaking, he's used to feeling like he's watching himself from outside his body, or like he can't breathe even though he doesn't need to. He's very familiar with the sickening fear in his gut, so intense it makes his head spin. He's not used to being comforted or reassured about them - he thinks they're normal. Tav disagrees.

Anyway, cptsd is messy and complicated and often looks very different from person to person so these will not represent everyone's but these are just some ideas for what the ongoing recovery process might make them work through, based on the aspects I'm most familiar with.

Projecting? Who's projecting? I'm not projecting. Shut up.

[radfemsiren]

🤍A basic rundown of my beliefs as a radical feminist 🤍

(I don’t represent every radical feminist, but these are usually the standard opinions you’ll find of many radfems. Hate or disagree with them, that’s fine! But know the truth of who I am and what I stand for beforehand)

- there are 2 sexes, the male sex is oppressing the female sex

- femicide, rape, child sex abuse, hijab laws, female genital mutilation, domestic labor, trafficking, war crimes, revenge porn, prostitution… women and girls around the world are being exploited, tortured, and killed because of this oppression, and it must end.

- female oppression is sex based oppression, meaning a woman can’t just identify out of her oppression (for example hijab laws)

- sex is biological and an immutable truth, gender is a social construct

- gender should be done away with because gender roles are male supremacist and result in women and girls being stereotyped, dehumanized, barred from education, safety, bodily autonomy, etc.

- defining women with anything other than biology is misogynistic and relies on stereotypes

- the biological differences between men and women must be acknowledged in order to effectively end patriarchal oppression

- radical feminism is getting to the root of female oppression (radical -> root)

- misandry is not real and is just an extension of misogyny (for example, “men are told not to cry!” Yes because women are seen as inferior and any trait associated with us is seen as degrading/emasculating for men. This is why there is no female equivalent to emasculation.)

- all current religions are patriarchal and made by men to exploit and control women

- access to abortion is a human right and should never be threatened, women are the creators of life and deserve to gatekeep it, as well as exercise full autonomy over our own bodies

- Using sexist gender roles to define yourself is giving these misogynistic stereotypes power (wearing makeup or dresses doesn’t make anyone less or more of a woman, this is misogyny)

- the beauty industry is patriarchal and exploits women, our bodies and our money

- sex work is not work, it’s always exploitation (consent can not be bought)

- the porn industry is patriarchal and relies on trafficking, coercion, and rape to function. It also conditions its watchers to be aroused by violence against women, and results in more real life consequences for women and girls

- women’s spaces and institutions must be protected. Women’s safety is more important than catering to male feelings

- marriage is a patriarchal institution made to exploit the domestic labor of women for her entire life

- BDSM/kink are patriarchal and only center the pleasure and well being of men.

- hookup culture is patriarchal and the risk to reward is not worth it for women to engage in it

- gender ideology is patriarchal and is a direct hindrance to female liberation (we can’t define ourselves or our oppressors, we can’t create spaces away from our oppressors, we can’t create laws and policy based on these definitions, people who are gender non conforming are pressured to alter their bodies to conform to a rigid standard and become lifelong medical patients, etc)

- choice feminism and liberal feminism caters to conforming to patriarchal standards and institutions, and refuses to examine why women make choices under patriarchy

- women of color face oppression on the axis of our sex and race, men of color only face oppression on the axis of their race

- non white patriarchal institutions must be criticized: a mullah is just as dangerous to the liberation of women as a pastor is

- women should decenter the men in their lives just as men have done with women. That means prioritizing us! Engaging in women’s media, art, stories, fostering female communities and support networks, uplifting and empowering their sisters around the world

- being a radical feminist means consistently taking radical action, big or small, we all can do it! Go support a female artist, go donate menstrual products to a shelter, go tell off a man when you see him making a woman uncomfortable. We all can make a difference!

…My feminism focuses on criticism of Islam and middle eastern patriarchy, but there are radfems with many focuses/passions… some in eco feminism, some on uplifting Romani women, black women, neurodivergent women, women with disabilities, prostituted women… some are passionate about women’s sports, women’s art, women’s writing, women’s history, lesbian and bisexual women’s stories… everyone has their passion on here, so before you come to attack, just check out my blog and click around at the different profiles on this corner of the internet…. maybe we might not be the terrible witches you thought us to be. Or maybe we are, but witches are awesome so who cares lol

[mikasasrippedtoenail]

Profanity and Misogyny

"Motherfucker", "cunt" , "bitch", "Whore" etc. are words that are so commonly used in colloquial language that one almost forgets the nuance attached to them. In almost every language there exist a myriad of swear words that refer to the degradation of the female vagina. A woman's sex is seen as her badge of shame and if she has control over her it then she has become astray from the path of the virtue.

"To insult a man, you insult his woman". I remember awkwardly shuffling in my seat, getting very uncomfortable when male peers would call each other "motherfucker" or "cunts" so casually. A woman much older than them was reduced to her sex, a tool to insult their friends. My sex- the organ that I was born with- was a sign of weakness. If you are meek or a coward you are a "pussy". In my language, I could never find the word equivalent of vagina, for it was too sexualised to use in society. Before I was even old enough to understand the workings of my body, a organ that I had been born with was left redundant to its function to please a man-villified by porn.

"Fuck" is seen as an insult because men consider sex a defiling act that takes away the dignity of the woman. Another misogynistic implication is the term "deflowering"; having sex takes away her innocence. After sex, the woman is not a human to them but a "cunt". The sexual paraphernalia of a woman is associated with purity. There is such a huge emphasis that is put on the concept of virginity, because it brings control to the patriarchal society over a woman's autonomy.

The sexual liberation of 70s was brought as a rebellion to these norms- young women were groomed into thinking that sex is empowering. Hookup culture also emerged as an aftereffect of the sexual liberation. The politics of a woman's sex is argued all day while the male penis remains as a neutral organ despite having been a tool to oppress women.

Sex is a completely neutral act of pleasure that is neither degrading nor empowering. However, this statement would only exist in a vacuum. Men use sex as a form of violence upon women-rape is a political tool. For women to take back control of their sexual autonomy, they must acknowledge the politics of sex-or lack thereof. Selectively choosing whom you are having sex with is the first step.

I implore everyone to stop using degrading profanities that have misogynistic connotations. When others around me --especially men-- use these swear words, I ask them why their insults always involve a woman to be degraded and humiliated. Not acting as an accompalice to patriarchy, not keeping quiet against the patriarchal violence and spreading word against misogyny is the best silent mutiny.

[storiumemporium]

Astarion As a Father

Fem!Tav/Reader

I FINALLY GOT A NEW KEYBOARD WITH FULLY FUNCTIONING KEYS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I elected to write about something that's been giving me brainworms for ages, because I'd been talking about it with someone on here awhile ago and it just infested me. Astarion finding out you're pregnant and how he handles fatherhood. (Or, in this case, doesn't at first.) This isn't my best work but I blame it on the fact that I didn't intend for it to be THIS FUCKING LONG okay 😭

But without further ado, daddy Astarion:

Finding out:

When it comes to children, I think Astarion hasn't put much thought into it beyond 'me!? ABSOLUTELY NOT—'

He has no illusions about his state of mind and his faculties, you see. Astarion knows that he's fucked up, he knows that he's a problem, and he's only entirely too confident that any child unfortunately put under his care would likely end up just as damaged as he is, were they to miraculously make it to adulthood. He's just not equipped for it.

And, frankly, Astarion isn't even aware he can have children... That's just, not something he ever thought to question. He's undead, is he not? That should take care of the...fertility question.

Shouldn't it?

Truth be told, Cazador never told him of the possibilities because it was never meant to be a possibility. Astarion was too malnourished, his victims too short lived for anything to ever have come of it. He was supposed to die a sacrifice, not live to carry his own bloodline (hah) onward.

Were you to ever ask him about it, even jokingly over dinner one eve, he'd be very firm in the fact that it's a terrible idea and he'd be entirely unequipped. He would even go so far as to say he's the worst choice out of all of your past companions.

"Me? No. Absolutely not. I'm sure whatever little devil you managed to cook up would be the most charming child Baldur's Gate has ever seen... But even that magical explosive that fancied himself a God would be better suited to fatherhood, darling. I am built for luxury and adventure, nothing else." All bookended by typical Astarion preening.

So when the day comes and you inform him of the little life growing in your womb?

Nope. Not happening, not even a chance of happening.

The denial is strong with this one.

And when I say denial, I mean that Astarion well and truly blots out what you've said from his mind, as if it simply didn't happen at all. You never had the conversation, you never dropped the revelation, there is no child, he is not becoming a father.

It's not a lack of want— though he doesn't realize that yet— it's true, blinding terror. Before it was just a joke, just something for him to brush off with commentary about how terribly he'd do as a parent, better the uncle than anything else. But now it's a reality and to accept what you've said is to accept that he might well and truly destroy a child. But not just any, yours.

The traumas Astarion possesses heap onto his shoulders and slough off plentiful enough to make new oceans of it. Now, not only is he just beginning to regain his own autonomy, he's supposedly being given responsibility over a brand new life?

(It would only make sense for Astarion in retrospect, that the life you willingly sacrificed to nourish and nurture him would in turn allow him to grow a new life within you. The fool had just been too blind to consider it: The way, fresh off your blood, he could pull back from the delicate column of your throat and you would find his cheeks and ears and chest flushed with the loveliest shade of pink, eyes wide and soft and alive. The way his entire body would warm, going from corpse frigid to something just beneath normal. The way his once-still heart would slowly beat again.

He'd even asked you once- curled together on a familiar silken bed, foreheads touching and your hands clasped together between your chests- if you knew what it felt like to be so, so hungry that all you could even think about was about badly you wanted to eat? How food sounded so good that the desire became crossed and instead felt even more painful and nauseating? How it consumed your ability to make rational decisions, denied you the capacity to control your emotions?

He'd told you then, voice tender and timid and weak, that he'd felt like that every single day for two whole centuries, until the night you'd willingly laid down on that cot and put your life in his hands.

It was so simple really, of course you granted him the strength to create life. It was you.)

And of course it comes to a head before there is any chance at recovery. Your body begins to show the changes, you begin to swell, and Astarion only grows more avoidant and flighty. Because now he can't simply wipe the idea from his mind and continue on as if the child doesn't exist, the proof is there every single time he looks at you. He makes it very clear to you that he will not be returning to your side without a confrontation, a very potentially ugly one at that.

And ugly it is, explosive. Astarion hasn't truly had the time to recover from his life under Cazador, and all of those protective traits he grew remain sharp as ever, returning to the surface as if they'd never truly gone away to begin with. He sneers and hisses, tries his best to dig in and hurt you enough to stop poking his tender wounds. Enough to push you away so he can lick his wounds back open. He'll go so far as to accuse you of infidelity, though he regrets the words the moment they leave his lips, it's easier for him to imagine that you simply grew tired of him, that you were weary and longed for the daylight. That you wanted someone who could hold you beneath the sun, unlike him.

How you respond to this is entirely up to you, but just shy of throwing something truly despicable back into his face, such as Cazador, Astarion will apologize... eventually. If you remain stalwart and patient, if you have it in you to recognize that he doesn't mean his words, that he's barbing you with intent, Astarion will break down in that very same argument, his angry and accusatory rant will dissolve into an admission of deep insecurity and deeper terror.

But if you respond with anger? Justifiable, and Astarion knows that even in the moment as it's happening, but emotions rule him far more than he'd ever care to admit, and he will dig in and relish the reaction he's managed to draw from you. He will bristle and bite back until suspicion and bitterness fully claims his heart, and he aborts the conversation to hide in the shadows.

Astarion will wait until nightfall, until his freedom calls for him. The one thing that always manages to clear his head, even when you prove to be the cause of his muddying. It's a reminder, every time he steps into the cool and dark of Baldur's Gate, that Cazador is dead and he is a free man. That he can go where he chooses and when he chooses to, and not only that no one can stop him, but that you wouldn't even want to stop him.

And that truth is always what brings Astarion home.

Under the distant lonely stars and that cold moon, he has to remember that time and again you have let him. You have accepted him, you have not fought him on anything shy of a horrible mistake he wanted to make in a moment of weakness and hysteria. You have accepted all his deepest and ugliest wounds and kissed them like they were freckles to pour affection on. You fought Cazador for him, you defended him from your own friends. You even- at times- tested your own morals for him.

You wouldn't betray him, and Astarion knows he can't betray you.

Astarion would return to you late, curling into bed at your side, his eyes would not meet you, and his apology would come in the form of a simple confession. "I am... afraid. I am afraid."

Astarion wouldn't blame you if you don't forgive him immediately for his transgressions, he was cruel and you were vulnerable. But even then you'll find that your love doesn't abandon you again. He accepts- however frightened- that what you've said is true and is coming, and he must accept it. Mind you, it won't be perfect and it won't be romantic. Astarion doesn't know the intricacies of handling a pregnant woman, he's hardly tactful beyond his well honed and flirtatious lines. He genuinely loves you, but he's going to come pre-equipped as father material.

You need something? He'll get it with minimal complaint (but never none, you'd sooner get him to dye his hair black than cease complaining for the sake of it), he won't begrudge you your mood swings though he might be inclined to poke fun at you ever so often. And he will panic when you burst into tears for seemingly no reason, and no- time doesn't make him adjust, he will panic just as much the thousandth time as the first.

However, if it's any consolation. The moment your child enters the world, Astarion is a changed man.

When You Go Into Labor:

Astarion did the honors of informing all of your friends about your pregnancy, once he came to terms with it. And believe me when I say it is extravagant. The stationery and grandiose script that Astarion wields when informing everyone that you were expecting better fits a wedding invitation than it does... well. Very elegantly explaining that Astarion had accidentally knocked you up.

You can tell from the splotchy stains addressed to you from Wyll and Karlach that one of them had been crying when penning the message, Astarion has coin on Wyll, and you on Karlach. Lae'zel never responds to begin with and you know for a fact the Githyanki's response will likely come in the form of her simply showing up one of these days, unprompted. Jaheira personally and rather frequently visits as well, she becomes a sort of bastion as nerves take you over, confident and calm as she is. Halsin's "letter" arrives late, rather because alongside his letter is several little carved animals for the child's room, and mentions of a quilt he intends to bring along when next he visits. Shadowheart's letter, while congratulatory, contains an air of interrogation strung all about it, all aimed with pinpoint precision at the man responsible for your pregnancy and dripping with sarcasm.

Gale's letter is seven pages long, comes with a violet hued wax stamp, and multiple different inks in the most lavish hand he can manage. You daresay he's competing with Astarion. However, surprisingly, Gale's seems to be the most... helpful of them all? It wasn't your intent, you simply wanted your dear friend to join you in celebration, and yet Gale goes on to inform you that upon reading the letter he'd become a madman in pursuit of knowledge on pregnancy and giving birth. He admits that this wasn't a particularly fruitful endeavor, as he's rather confident that you're not a gnoll, troll, cambion, succubus, or any other variety of strange creature with strange metrics of procreation. Still, Gale directs the latter portion of his letter to Astarion quite pointedly, informing him of bookshops around Baldur's Gate where he might have more success.

Astarion scoffs, but you don't miss the way his fingers twitch and flex.

After the hilarity of this is resolved and you just begin to believe that peace might return to your soft little home in the city, the first of your companions begin to arrive.

This continues on for the next week or so, without you ever knowing that this had been planned- and without knowing that Astarion had been the one to plan it. It's a furthering of his apology, of his guilt over the way he'd treated you. Again, Astarion has no illusions of the kind of man he is, and the fact he's not nurturing in the sort of ways that you need- but he's not completely stupid and he knows you're scared. So... bring the cavalry, darling.

Eventually your entire home has become a crash pad for all of your dearest friends, your family, and you only grow suspicious of Astarion's hand in this chaos because he's surprisingly amicable to having his peace so thoroughly disturbed by 'everyone and their mother'. Truly, he manages to bite his tongue some of the time about them trampling his fine rugs and scratching the plates. He even seems... wistful about it. As nostalgic as you openly are at seeing all of these beloved people under one roof again.

Nights are filled with raucous laughter, clattering utensils, a table so thoroughly overcrowded that people are playfully shouldering each other out of the way for a chance to get at their own food. And Astarion stays faithful at your side, his hand perpetually clasped gently around yours, thumb rubbing over your knuckles. Days are never spent alone, no matter what it is you need to do, someone (if not everyone) is following you along. And though Astarion feels his heart ache that he can't join you, he'll be glad to know you're safe.

Besides, your companions are likely all taking turns tormenting, testing, and relentlessly teasing him about what is to come. He has his own hands full. He's starting to regret being such a generous lover.

And then your water breaks in the dead of night.

Remember how I said Astarion was far from perfect? This would be one of those moments that it really shines.

Not that he's particularly terrible, no. He's not actively cruel toward you, and certainly not dismissive, it's somewhat the opposite. Halsin and Jaheira end up the ones helping you, the only two with some iota of understanding on what was happening and what to do with and for you. The others, less experienced in "mundane" medical situations will take up the second most important role.

Prevent Astarion from catastrophizing any more than he already has been.

Karlach has been the sole force capable of keeping Astarion away from the wine, typically bear hugging him away from your cellar while Wyll tries his best to talk your lover down from a total nervous breakdown. Of which he nearly has, several times. It's not even the sight of you, specifically. He's okay with being at your side and holding your hand, in trying his best to provide comforting words that aren't laced with sarcasm for once. But the sounds you make, that's what breaks him. Astarion isn't good at hearing you scream from the pain, he isn't good at the choked sobs or your heavy breaths. The way you sound like you're struggling against death. It makes him want to crawl out of his own skin, fight assailants that aren't there.

And for a few hours there, in the midst of your labors and your exhausted, pained little cries, Astarion isn't sure how he can love the child causing you this much suffering. It's not as if Astarion was an altruistic man on his best days, as if he were particularly reasonable when it came to you. You've both come to a mutual understanding that were something to happen to you, no morals would be involved in the things Astarion would do to rectify it.

And now, here you are, suffering. Astarion isn't supposed to do a thing about it? He's supposed to be- what, overjoyed by it? It infuriates him, he's truly prepared to have a grudge match with an infant.

Until, as the sun is starting to creep up on a brand new day, it's no longer your screams that meet the air, but another's entirely. Tiny but powerful, high pitched little squeals of fury and distress. And your laughter, disbelieving, soft, adoring already.

Astarion has a daughter.

I go with the HC that Astarion had eyes like honey once, and that his daughter takes after that, along with the delicate points of his ears mirrored in her own. She's small, so small, but healthy and already feisty, wiggling as best as her tiny body can whilst still too heavy for her to lift and move.

You're the first to hold her of course, and Astarion will be at his knees beside the two of you. The expression he wears is something you've seen maybe two or three other times in the entire time you've known him- moments when you know he expected everything to fall apart, moments where he couldn't believe that the world was so good.

It's then that you can breathe for the first time, and know that both of your darlings will be just fine.

Once he does hold her, he's not inclined to let her go. Even once you ask to have her back, he'll simply move you into his lap, so that he can hold you both. It's better that way anyhow, having both of his girls in his arms. And Astarion will repeat again and again how stunned he is, he just can't believe it. Cannot fathom any of it. I think he's the type to say that he's speechless and then spend the next five minutes doing nothing but talking. It's nervous rambling, but still, speechless is not the term I would use to describe him here.

Astarion With Your Baby:

Once your little darling is actually in your lives, you get to see how hilariously unorthodox Astarion is with children. Especially his own. Astarion doesn't baby-talk like you or the rest of your companions, he speaks in the same exact tones as he would a grown woman. In fact, for the first few days you're adjusting to a child in your life, you sometimes mistake Astarion as speaking with an unexpected guest, only to round the corner and find him lightheartedly chastising his own daughter for her poor nappy conduct as he wrinkles his nose and changes her diaper.

He's disgusted by that, by the way. Absolutely hates it, complains loudly about having to do it. But if you so much as try to stand to help he'll force you back down onto your chair or the couch, something something not useless something something already up, darling. It's as if Astarion is simply allergic to admitting that while it makes him nauseous, he wants to care for his daughter. He wants you to rest.

And yes, Astarion is the type of father that thinks all other children are hideous little fecal beasts and his daughter is the only gorgeous little angel in the entire world. Perfect, can do no wrong. He tells her as such too, in the same deadpan voice he always uses, wiggling and stretching her legs.

"You know, darling. You should count your blessings, you're the only child I've ever seen that doesn't look like some sort of hideous, deformed bean. I can't be surprised though, with as gorgeous as your parents are." And though he rolls his eyes, he's unable to contain the grin that shows his teeth when she coos and squeaks at the sound of his voice.

And yes. Astarion dresses up with his child.

The older she gets the more he does it, little matching outfits and ribbons. Nothing that she would choke on, were she to get her mitts on it. (You had to be the one to tell him no, at first. He did throw a little fit about it, just a small one).

But it's not all lighthearted, good or bad.

There are times where Astarion won't touch your daughter, won't be alone with her in the same room. He fears it, he'll eventually tell you. His... affliction came with it's dangers, always. But he's always trusted that you could defend yourself, and you're big enough that he can't just kill you between one blink and the next. The same can't be said of your darling girl. She's so small and so fragile that, were he to lose even the slightest grip of himself around her, it could cost her her life. No doubt it would traumatize her for life, regardless.

You watch it, too. The way it pinches his brows and makes him wipe his palms against his pants as if he were sweating. Nervous habits creeping up his throat and causing him to pace about like a caged animal. It's during these times that you have to bring your daughter to him. Gently place her in his arms and remind him that he's loved her from the moment he saw her. And where once he held trepidation and queasiness at the prospect of fatherhood, you can see him care so much about this little bundle that he looks sick from it. A vulnerability he can't mask.

And of course, there are times he nearly weeps for other reasons.

Like when she takes her first steps, and immediately tries to run for him.

And Astarion knows he should let her tumble, that it's good to let her fall and get back up again, but the moment her unsteady feet cause her to careen she's safe in his arms. Little kisses peppered against her giggly face. And he'll tuck away against her to try and get his bearings back, but she'll pat his cheeks and tug his ears- and you'll have to distract her with a toy while he hiccups and sniffles down his need to cry. He wasn't ready for her to grow so fast, gone is the tiny bundle that could fit perfectly in one arm, now she's walking. How long before she's dating? Gods, should he be preparing for betrothal requests!?

"I want to be mortal." He whispers to you, one night. She's tucked between your bodies, sound asleep and wiggling from time to time. This is one of the rare moments you and your love can speak to each other uninterrupted, in the tranquility of the dark hugging around you.

It's strange that he brings this up now, you'd spoken about it several times since the Elder Brain had been taken down... But in the past few years since your daughter had been born, all of that had fallen to the wayside. "What brings this to mind, Starling?"

Your hand comes to cup his throat, as you watch and feel him work as if he were swallowing a stone. "I don't want to outlive this."

It's hard to blink the tears from your eyes, understanding the implications.

Were he actually two hundred years old, Astarion wouldn't survive well past the existence of his sweet little family.

He'd been more melancholy the past few weeks, after realizing that your daughter was beginning to function on her own. She was walking, grabbing things, talking in rudimentary sentences. She was even beginning to call him pa.

He'd cried, at that.

"I'll forget," his voice draws you out from that brief reverie. The distress is palpable, but runs low like the tide before a storm. "I'll forget all of this. I don't want to know what I'll become, then."

And when you run your hands up into his hair, to scratch lovingly along his scalp, he doesn't hide the shiver or the way his face presses against your palm, cold and smooth on your skin.

"We'll find a way, Astarion. I haven't given up yet... We just- she's too young."

It's both a strain and a relief, to know that. To be reminded that your daughter is still so small, that he won't be losing her- or you- any time soon. There's still time.

Astarion With Your Teen:

Arguably this is the best time between your daughter and him. It's simultaneously a surprise and yet- not at all? He's more like her confidante and best friend than strictly a father. He isn't one for harsh curfews and strict ways of dress- rather, he's the one she comes to when she's made some sort of mistake. Or when she's angry about something.

In general, Astarion withholds judgement of her, for better or worse. The unintended consequence is that you might become more of her enemy than Astarion, because he's less inclined to punish for questionable behaviors.

It's not that he's afraid of angering her or dealing with push back- rather that Astarion's frame of reference for what constitutes a mistake is ah... rather broken. Even in the beginnings of your relationship with Astarion, the mistakes that would anger him constituted dropping an entire building on his head or... risking being turned into a Mindflayer to help some old lady find her cat.

Not feeling up cute boys in alleyways.

As a result you'll likely need to have a few conversations with him about not being so lenient on her, because she needs to have structure in how to behave. Stealing things is in fact, not okay! And Astarion will listen, but he's always going to be a bit more of a friend than anything else.

A total gossip with her, too. You'll catch them huddled around the dinner table at night, both with a glass of wine (this was an argument that Astarion ended up winning, she's allowed one glass a week, but that's all!) in hand shittalking a storm together. Astarion has become the Baldur's Gate equivalent of a PTA mom, he shows up as stylishly as he can and beefs with the parents of whichever children have upset his daughter the most. And then when they get home they just toss it back and forth together.

But I want to stress, just because he doesn't punish her doesn't mean he isn't protective of her. Astarion is more protective than you are.

Once she begins dating you'll find yourself home alone semi-frequently, because Astarion will play the supportive, loving father part when she leaves- and immediately follow her out into the dark. He's had centuries to know what dangers lurk around every corner, and foggy memories of simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time before his nightmare began. He won't allow that to happen with his girl.

And it's funny, because Astarion will talk mad shit to himself while he does it. Logically he knows that she's with some teenage boy or girl, but it doesn't stop the petty, emotional side of him from rolling his eyes and sneering at the cheap one-liners and the dumb tactics that this would-be charmer utilizes. Really, taking her into dark alleys to get her to tuck into you? Going to a totally secret spot that Astarion has known about for at least a hundred and sixty years? Get real, kid.

And you have to try valiantly not to laugh when he comes home, huffing and puffing about it. Because you will hear every single petty thought he had the entire time, and you will know that he looks like a petulant child. It's very cute.

All in all, I think Astarion is a reckless, chaotic, petty father. And one that loves his child so, so much. To the point of ruin, to the point where suddenly staying in one place doesn't seem so bad, just so she can have friends. Helping people isn't the worst, just so she can know there are heroes in the world. Suddenly he's learning to bandage scrapes and kiss bruises, and having tears and snot on his clothes mean nothing compared to the grief of the one shedding them. He loves her in ways he didn't anticipate he ever could. Enough to know all of her ticks and secrets, to know when she's lying through her teeth and when she's being devastatingly obvious.

Learning to cook even when he can't eat, listening to her spin a story with a straight face and then- as she's stepping out the door- telling her to be careful with that boy and listening to her groan loudly as the door slams shut, a mischievous smile on his face.

Holding you and dancing you around, cradling you close with all the tenderness he has in the whole of his body and soul. Kissing you, calling you the mother of his child, thanking you for giving him something he didn't even know he'd wanted. A family.

Small and odd, but his.

[pollen-blogs]

Original Timeline Tsukasa VS New Timeline Amane

This post is to talk about the differences and similarities between the Yugi brothers in their possessed states

Similarities:

Both brothers work as hosts, in a parasitic relationship

Their strength and overall skills are greatly heightened

The entity possessing them can easily speak through them (we don't know however if it still can after 'Tsukasa' went back to his family, because we haven't heard it talk since.)

They both have the imagery of holes/bottomless pits to symbolise the hole that Kannagis + Tsukasa fell into

Differences:

While it is unclear as to how much of the original Tsukasa remains, it's always been shown that he shares his body and consciousness with the God. Meanwhile, Amane has moments of full autonomy over his body. Whenever he isn't however, he completely blacks out and can barely remember what happened (-> He was medicated, because he thought he had some kind of memory disorder, most likely FCD, Functional Cognitive Disorder judging from his "symptoms")

Similar point as the previous one but this is still worth saying: Tsukasa seems to have more agency than Amane. He technically wasn't allowed to leave the Red House but he managed to get the God on board with it, maybe because it wasn't really in a position to deny him anything but oh well. Meanwhile Amane is completely at the God's mercy, using him as a puppet to help catch prey.

The pit in Amane's face is different from Tsukasa's as it is clearer and shows the God's tentacles. (And also it's on his face and not his torso but yeah...)

Tsukasa can easily dodge attacks, which means that he CAN get hurt (not destroyed since he's a Yorishiro, but hurt), while Amane chooses not to, which means that he CAN'T get hurt, at least not for long. This could imply that maybe Amane's connection to the God is stronger than our Tsukasa's. 'Amane' also seems to have more likeness to the God than Tsukasa in terms of powers and appearance. (-> Since people never stopped believing in Gods who demand sacrifices, the God under the well most likely never was sealed away and is just as powerful as it was back then, not a shadow of its former glory.)

[trans-axolotl]

Can I ask what things have helped you learn to live with psychosis?

Sure! It's definitely been a journey for me, so this is probably going to be a long post lol. I'm also going to add the disclaimer that this is about about me and what worked for me--I don't think this is going to be helpful for everyone and I don't think that everyone needs to think about their psychosis/altered states in the same way that I think about mine.

When I first starting experiencing it, psychosis was very disruptive and incredibly distressing to me. Now, at this point in my life, although my psychosis is often inconvenient or annoying, it generally is not distressing or majorly disrupting my life in the way it used to. a lot of credit for this is due to places like Project LETS, the Hearing Voices Network, etc, that let me see for the first time different ways of thinking about and coping with altered states. The medical model was more harmful than anything for me: it left me feeling like i had no agency over my own experiences, and that the only option the rest of my life would be to submit to varying degrees of surveillance and control with no hope of ever having moments of joy again.

For me, the first step for living with my psychosis was to approach my hallucinations/delusions with a lot of curiosity, and to build up my own picture of what my experience of psychosis was like. I started asking myself a lot of questions:

What do the hallucinations/delusions I experience look like? What do they feel like in my body? What emotions do they bring up for me? What's happening in my life when I'm having more frequent hallucinations/delusions? How do I feel when people challenge me on my hallucinations/delusions? Are there people/places/things that my hallucinations/delusions are happening more frequently around? What parts of my hallucinations/delusions bring me distress? Are there any parts of my hallucinations/delusions that I like? Are there things that help making dealing with hallucinations/delusions easier?

The way I wrote these questions out makes it sound like I had a lot of insight about the fact that I was hallucinating and delusion and makes it sound like I was really methodical about this, which is absolutely not the case. A lot of this was me just like, scribbling in journals and google docs about my theories about angels and my favorite angels and lists of poisons and on and on and on. A lot of the most helpful insights were random ones that I found when I was completely delusional, not in the periods when I had insight and was trying to map all this out.

But overall, what I was able to figure out was that in general, most of my psychosis was associated with one of two themes:

feeling unsafe and worried about dangerous threats

feeling controlled and unable to exercise my autonomy.

This made a lot of sense to me, given my own personal history with trauma and the traumatic things actively happening in my life at the time. When that clicked it felt like so much suddenly made sense, and I was able to get a lot more of an understanding of why certain things felt so distressing and urgent. Having a delusion that all my food is being poisoned creates a level of paranoia and stress that is pretty unreasonable and unhelpful as an adult who buys all their own food. Having that same level of paranoia and stress as a child who had to live in a dangerous situation without any control? A lot more helpful and reasonable for surviving. There were so many hallucinations/delusions (bugs/people in my walls/monsters and blood/etc) that I could clearly track all the ways that they did kind of function as a protective strategy for me in traumatic situations by raising my level of alarm and awareness, but now just caused me so much fucking stress.

At this point, it felt like I had a pretty okay grasp on some of the reasons I was experiencing psychosis, and then wanted to think about how I could actually then cope with it. First I identified all the things that weren't working and instead were just making me pissed off and making things worse.

Logical attempts to reality check me just made me feel more stressed, paranoid, and often made the hallucinations worse and the delusions bigger.

Before, this hadn't made any sense to me, but after identifying those underlying emotions around safety and autonomy it made so much fucking sense. People reality checking me, or even me trying to use logic against hallucinations with myself, didn't do anything to validate my emotions or meet that underlying need. Instead it just made me feel like I wasn't being listened to or believed, that I didn't have anyone I could trust, and that I had to be more on guard, which just perpetuated the whole cycle!

So for me, I realized that any coping skills would need to be centered around validating my emotions and meeting my underlying need for safety and/or autonomy. Practically, what this looked like for me was making a bunch of documents that are titled things like "Tips for if there's bugs inside of you" "Things you like to remember when you're talking to angels" etc etc etc. I think what really helped this work for me is that I didn't title them things like "how to cope with delusions about bugs" because I know that when I'm delusional, reading something like that is just going to piss me off and make me feel like I'm being called a liar. In those documents I write a lot of affirmations for my emotions and then write out a list of specific coping skills, organized from least chaotic/risky to most chaotic/risky. Nothing gets me more pissed off when I'm in a bad space then people trying to get me to use therapeutic coping skills when I don't want to, so I knew that I wanted to include a wide range of out-of-the-box coping skills. I'll share a few from my list of coping skills for increasing autonomy that I put in my "tips for if there's bugs inside of you document."

eat/shower/sleep/talk to someone in real life/pain meds

redecorate your room

shoplift

cut your hair

work on a project like embroidery or knitting or origami where you have to create something with your hands

choose a random place outside and go there

try some DBT/ACT/RODBT skills and see if they help you feel just 2% better, enough that you can do something else that you hate less like distractions.

distract (talk with friends, watch tv, read)

choose a random place outside and go there

make a lot of noise and kick things over in your room

break things

self harm (following my harm reduction plan)

drugs/alcohol

if i'm doing well enough, i try to first use coping skills that don't also have mental or physical risks for myself, but if i need to, I give myself permission to cope in whatever ways meet my needs in the moment and try to let go of some of the shame associated with riskier coping skills. I also have talked about psychosis openly with my trusted friends who know what kinds of support are helpful and what shit just makes me pissed off and frightened.

Overall, this has helped make psychosis a LOT less distressing for me, and over time also has made it happen slightly less. About half the time these days I have insight that what's happening are delusions or hallucinations which has helped make it easier to remember to cope. These days, psychosis mostly happens when my body is under a lot of stress (no sleep/seizure recovery/not eating/injured), and also sort of acts an alarm bell to me that somethings going on in my life that I might not have noticed, either in terms of my physical health or in terms of stressful situations or emotions that I'm not ready to think about or process.

That's one of the reasons that my psychosis is so meaningful to me, to be honest. I honestly feel really grateful that my psychosis gave me a way to externalize and experience my emotions before I was ready or able to experience them and feel them in my body. I think having hallucinations/delusions helped protect me at certain times in my life while still helping me acknowledge in a certain way that I was so fucking angry and grieving and hurt and in pain. I think that helped keep me alive long enough to get to a point where I could start to process and unpack trauma without it completely overwhelming me, or without convincing myself that I needed to be fine at any cost. And maybe it's strange to say I'm grateful for that, but I am.

so. that's most of what has worked for me. The way I wrote it out made it seem super simple and straightforward, but in reality it was absolutely nothing like that. It was years of a lot of chaos and feeling upset so much of the time and feeling absolutely clueless and my loved ones feeling concerned and writing things down and forgetting that I wrote things down and having the same problem over and over agai. just overall was so messy and not at all a linear process like I wrote about it here. I absolutely still have plenty of times where I just fuck off and forget I've ever thought about coping and just go around with hallucinations disrupting my entire day, and plenty of times it's still stressful.

And also again: this is about me and what's worked for me. My biggest advice for other people about coping with psychosis is a lot less about the specifics of a process or exactly what coping skills to use. Instead I think it's a lot more about approaching with curiosity first, just giving yourself the space to explore your psychosis on your own terms, to try things out, to build your own relationship with psychosis and how it fits into your life, and to affirm yourself as someone who does have agency about how you want to think, talk, feel, and cope with your own psychosis/altered states.

hope that was helpful and/or interesting anon, feel free to let me know if you have any other psychosis/altered states questions!

[transmutationisms]

Hello so you said something about being pro-drug and I’m not 100% sure what you meant by it. I am absolutely for the decriminalization of all drugs ever. But like. Are you pro-using? Not that I’m anti users at all but i wouldn’t say I’m pro-using… just like based on my own experiences and my loved ones experiences and like what very hard drugs do to your body and mind and how they can like. Kill you. I 🩷 users and addicts and i don’t think criminalizing anything helps but… I’m prob misinterpreting your post so this may be a stupid question but I’ve seen all types of opinions on here so idk.

sarcastic answer, it's exactly this type of reaction that makes me think a truly pro-drugs stance is what communism needs today

less sarcastic answer, if drugs are the thing that makes someone's life tolerable and livable and even pleasurable then it would be uh, pretty fucking hypocritical of me to take issue with them using

even less sarcastic answer, you are overestimating the extent to which the danger of even "very hard drugs" (define that) comes from the drugs themselves rather than from the conditions of use: insecure supply driving desperation and making overdose more likely; black market making overdose more likely; intolerable conditions of living making using more necessary; &c. i can't speak to your life or loved ones but in my life i have observed and engaged in many different patterns of substance use, ranging from 'casually & occasionally using substances w high addiction potential' to 'intensely and compulsively using substances w much lower addiction potential' and everything in between. you are also jumping from "drugs" straight to "very hard drugs" (again, define that). drugs is an inclusive category: you need to be thinking here of substances ranging from heroin to caffeine to ibuprofen to xanax to ayahuasca to surgical anaesthetic cocktails.

really dead serious answer, yes, drugs can be dangerous. so can driving, working, and exercising. drugs can also be immensely beneficial, and that goes for drug use that's 'purely recreational' and pleasurable. as a matter of basic self-determination and autonomy, yes, i will defend people's right to get high for any reason they choose. as a matter of basic prison abolition politics i will defend that right twice over. i will also defend needle exchanges, social (not state) support systems, and the communist project of making the world a just and tolerable place to live in. but humans have enjoyed substance use for literally millennia, i personally enjoy substance use, and i don't think fearing it is politically useful or interpersonally helpful. at core, 'drug use' is simply the consumption of a substance that alters a person's psychological or physiological functioning in some way. it's not inherently 'good' or 'bad', morally or from a health perspective. what it is, though, is a common part of human existence, and not one i think can or should be eradicated.

[bodymachine]

i think part of the reason that machines and obsolete pieces of technology are so viscerally interesting to us is because they remind us of our own bodies. things with buttons and levers and wires not only invite physical interaction (which is something beautiful and potentially radical in and of itself!!) but are easily anthropomorphized in that their heft and clunkiness elicit a sort of empathy in us. we realize that our bodies are not so different from machines, and it’s not because our bodies are sterile and cold and unfeeling, but because we all have these tangled insides and a desire to touch and to take up space in the world. we have such complicated relationships to our own bodies and we like tech that shows us how it can be touched and how it was assembled and how it can work and how it can fail. it is kind of body horror. it’s grotesque and erotic. we also realize that analog devices are being replaced and phased out of existence, and so there’s even more of an impulse to connect with them.

newer designs tend to emphasize sleekness and thinness and quiet and invisible parts and instantaneous results. i’ve heard of macbooks and iphones being described as sexy. they are not. a real sexy machine evokes the heat and weight and grittiness and entangledness of sex. so the condensing of functions into one tiny digital device and the storage of information in some invisible cloud and the forced reliance on a few entities that control the ‘progress’ of all that—as freeing as all of that can be in many ways that are worth considering, the implications for the future of our own bodily autonomy can definitely be frightening. i think that’s why it’s important to be intentional and interested in our physical interactions with any kind of object, but especially the old and the ordinary ones. to insist that they not become obsolete to us, and to insist on our ability to choose how they fit into our lives. that can be a sort of resistance to capitalism i think, that can start on the smallest level. that’s mostly what it boils down to, to me.

[a-star-that-burns-brightly]

Y'know, for a series that's themed so heavily around deception, misplaced trust, and things not being as great as they seem, it's so interesting to me how we have a total of three characters who have stories that involve a powerful, wealthy individual manipulating them and causing them or their loved ones harm during times of financial struggle or straight-up poverty XF-Ture Tech greeted the impoverish Jeung family with the offer to pay off all of their expenses, only at the cost of their daughter, Min, becoming the Ultimate Student 12 years down the line. This led Min from ages five to seventeen to work away her entire life to achieve this goal, turning her into the perfect image of an Ultimate that Hope's Peak Academy wanted to see, at the cost of her childhood and her autonomy.

Min: I don't know why that man would sponsor some random child, nor why it would be me of all people. And I never had the time nor space to figure out the answer to that question. Min: Failure was not something I even considered, because if I failed, then there would be no future for me or my family. Min: I had simply accepted for my whole life that I would be the Ultimate Student, and I lived my life accordingly. That's why the Academy chose me.

The Lacroix family was sent into a river of debt by their daughter Rose, and when all hope seemed to be lost, Richard Spurling offered to clear her charges and pay off her fines if she decided to work under him as a painter for the Spurling Foundation. Any semblance of herself in Rose's works has now dissipated, her sense of identity only tied to the contract she signed with an angelic devil.

Rose: Forever working to pay off my mistakes, and never being able to call my art my own... This isn't the life of an artist that I wanted. It's not what anyone would want. Rose: All I do is make paintings on others' beck and call. It's been so long that I don't think I remember how to paint something original anymore. Rose: That spark of vitality is missing from anything I make. Like this painting. And I can't help but feel like I'm missing a part of myself.

Little is known about the details of Xander's story at this time, but we know enough to know that he falls into this category too. The Matthews family lived in a town with an understaffed hospital and a river as their only water source, leaving them unprepared for an incident that would gruesomely wipe them out. Meanwhile, Duke Spurling, a wealthy man in extreme power being a politician, who instead of using his power for good was, from what we can tell, sitting on his dollar bills while the innocents around him lost function in their limbs.

Xander: I read that it was like rotting from the outside in. Xander: Your limbs would stop working before your organs did, and you would lie there and feel yourself die and be unable to do anything about it. Xander: There was only one dinky understaffed hospital for miles, one that could barely handle a minor flu outbreak, much less that 'incident' Xander: I read that it took weeks before they even figured out what to do with all the bodies. They left them where they died. After all, there was no one left to move them. Xander: It was during May, that time of the year there when the temperature quickly grows to be excruciatingly hot. Xander: You know what that does to corpses, right? I'm sure the smell was unbearable--

It's just really interesting to me how this is a theme across all three characters, and I can't help but wonder if this will carry over to some of the other characters as well.

[theomnicode]

Cyborgs & Body autonomy

Now that we've gotten a whole gang of new cyborgs, ONE has seemingly presented us with some interesting topics to talk about, like cyborgs and body autonomy.

First we meet Genos, who's given a free reign by Doctor Kuseno to do whatever he seems to please and Doctor Kuseno would aid in his cause because he wants Genos to live a full life and live as much as human as possible even as a cyborg, for instance being given the ability to taste food and take organic matter and turn it into a bio mass fuel. (Chapter 40.7: Lobster)

Any gadgets or upgrades Genos asks, Kuseno will build without a question and nothing Genos does not want will be added to the mix. Like Saitama comments, Dr.Kuseno is a nice guy.

However, things like body autonomy get muddled when it comes down to saving someone on critical condition like Air who got hit by a Evil Natural Water through his neck. Lose a life or save a person's life with a bit of medical cybernetics? Unless the person has already opted out to not being resuscitated or opted out on life-saving implants, doctors would do their very best to save that person. Unconscious person cannot consent though, so such an operation to add cybernetic implants is still very dubious. (Chapter 178: Do it outside)

However, what Air did not agree upon and what wasn't part of the life changing deal of getting a new cybernetic throat implanted was new cybernetic eyes, which he notices shortly after awakening. (Chapter 182: Unascertained)

It would be very disturbing to notice such a thing being done while unconscious and unable to consent, so who knows what other kind of operations has been done to him while he wasn't awake. Heroes Association does not play cleanly here, like the Heroic association it is touted out to be.

But then again, neither does the opposite Neo Heroes, who have their own cyborg force with players like Wavygyaza, Kokou, Destro and Elimin.

Wavygyaza subjected herself to a whopping 71% body modifications on her free will, yet now her bodily integrity has greatly eroded, to the point that even her brain is now connected to the Neo heroes main server database and she gets a headache when as she suspects, Isamu, is snooping around. (Chapter 206: Special)

Bodily integrity is the inviolability of the physical body and emphasizes the importance of personal autonomy, self-ownership, and self-determination of human beings over their own bodies.

At that point, she's little more than a puppet which strings can be pulled by anyone operating the main server databases. And they did not even do a good enough job, because her body is in constant state of overheating and she has to take measures to avoid overheating too much, unless she wants rest of heir brain melting inside her cybernetic body.

Genos has many reasons to be thankful to Doctor Kuseno for doing such an excellent job with him. Genos with his high body modification rate is basically on par with Elimin and Destro, who used to work as mercenaries and are now in charge of Nero heroes security, yet they seem more imposing than Genos even on a bad day. They just don't pass the vibe check.

It is probable that with such high body modification rate, subjects's ability to emphathize with their surroundings and other humans would also begin to erode when they become less human and more like a machine.

Genos is very lucky in this regard that his benefactor is very benevolent and very much cares about the humane side of things and cares that Genos would be able to live his life as much as a human as possible and only with the functionality that Genos wants.

Very lucky indeed.

[gyokutoll]

This isn't a conversation I want to have any more than necessary, nor belabor any point which is like? Uncomfortable. I've made the ethos of this blog pretty clear even through my rules, which is all a way of saying that the following headcanon is going to contain information which will be upsetting.

The topics and themes explored in it won't be done with any voyeuristic gusto or needlessly descriptive language, but it is going to be plainly explored with what I hope comes across as emotional maturity and intellectual integrity to the scope of "these things happen, and the fallout of these events don't stop even when the event is concluded."

The audience that I create for is, quite honestly, mainly myself and the things I want to see handled better in media with the nuance, love and care that I would like. Anyways, long preamble, but I just want to preemptively re-establish my values for new followers and why I believe that at least commenting on this with Hotaru is a narrative necessity and informs much of how he behaves.

The thing about Hotaru, that I find fundamentally inextricable from him as a character, is that he's someone who has experienced s/xual violence and coercion and that these experiences inform much of how he views other people and how he interfaces with them. SA is not something that stops having lingering effects on a person just because they have been separated from their abuser, and there's often this push for someone to be a "good" survivor and to behave in ways which we find sympathetic. When it comes to heavy abuse, many audiences find it distasteful when people respond in ways which don't align with their sensibilities, but these responses are a natural consequence of unimaginable horror.

And that's really what Hotaru is, a horror character taking the horror tropes classically associated with women and imposed onto a male character instead. But I think if we're going to continue this conversation, it's important to recognize that the main idea is that of bodily autonomy and the fact that many women in horror games have theirs denied to them. I think of Silent Hill 3 and in Haunting Ground where it is important for the woman to function as an incubator. I similarly think of Bloodborne and the violence the women there face and the impetus being placed onto them to carry young that they don't want. This particular aspect of the trope doesn't apply to Hotaru because he lacks the parts to have that be a reality for him, but we're working under this idea known as "taking".

Something is "taken" from the woman. Her virginity, her autonomy, her dignity, her body, etc etc. Barring the idea of virginity as a social construct, there is an inherent degradation in the idea of the deflowering of a woman. For Hotaru, the things being taken from his body are his own flesh and blood, his organs. This isn't the same kind of indignity as forced birth, but when we recontextualize it beneath the lens of "the body as something to use and take what is needed", the allegory makes a little bit more sense.

However, this isn’t a perfect one-to-one and I would argue there is another component about this which I find vital, which is the idea that men cannot be assaulted in this way, that they are socialized to be the conqueror in the vast majority of societies. This belief is also why Hotaru has not confided these experiences in anyone, but I’m getting a bit ahead of myself.

Hotaru’s relationship with Sadao was, by all accounts, abusive, but needs to be understood through the lens of various cycles being at play there. Hotaru had been bullied as a child and relatively isolated, which developmentally gave him low self-esteem. Having moved to Tokyo to attend medical school and the like, he was further isolated due to the cultural differences he had with his peers and the fact that he had never properly learned to socialize with them in that way. Not to say that Hotaru did not know how to talk to people, but the types of conversations we would typically expect from someone trend-minded and plugged into the dominant culture were not present with him. He was always someone sweet, reserved, and awkward, which made him ideal for Sadao to form a relationship with.

Sadao himself, as a Witch, came from a place of emotional neglect and social derision. Though yokai and Witches are an understood part of Hotaru’s society, they’re still met with derision. Sadao’s own relationship with his mother was fraught. He and Hotaru were parallels in that they both had absent fathers, but present mothers, this commonality bonded them. Somewhat. Sadao’s mother wasn’t so kind to him as Hotaru’s mother was. There was a lot of resentment there I’d like to discuss another time in detail for a proper Sadao post. Regardless, Sadao’s own history of abuse and neglect resulted in someone who was charming in order to survive. Whereas Hotaru had remained awkwardly authentic, Sadao had learned to use charm as a weapon and to obfuscate the worst parts of himself, but in a culture that already disenfranchised him for being a queer man and a Witch, there was this fervent need for control, especially for the things that he cared about.

It is important to remark that I do not intend on defending Sadao, as the things he did to Hotaru are indefensible. I do think there is value in stories where Abuser Bad and are defeated accordingly, but when it comes to day-to-day life, they are generally the product of something else and aren’t usually born wanting to commit harm, and those reasons for committing harm tend to be extremely tangled and contradictory and raw and bleeding and painful.

It needs to be understood that Sadao did love Hotaru, and it was because he loved Hotaru he felt this heightened, panicked control—this fervent need to monopolize Hotaru. Sadao did legitimately see Hotaru as the best thing in his life, but it was a situation where the tighter he gripped, the more he frightened Hotaru, but Hotaru stayed regardless. Hotaru had never been in a romantic relationship before at the time and due to his self-esteem issues, had been stunned that anyone would want him. His desire to want to fix Sadao, to stay with him in hopes that his love for Sadao would fix him, ultimately fell on deaf ears, but it’s their issues feeding into each other. Sadao desperately needed to feel strong in a society which made him feel worthless, and Hotaru desperately craved acceptance and not being othered. He dropped out of medical school for Sadao, he did whatever Sadao told him to. He accepted anything and everything that Sadao gave because he internalized within himself that he was at fault.

This need to please another and to please them so thoroughly put Hotaru into situations where he was s/xually coerced. These encounters weren’t violent, but they weren’t consensual either. Hotaru’s trauma response, of the fight flight or fawn list, is that of fawn. His default mode to many things is appeasement because it feels easier and like less harm will come to him if he does. So he gave in. Whenever Sadao wanted intimacy, Hotaru would give it even if he had been physically assaulted prior for irritating Sadao or speaking to Sadao in a way which Sadao did not approve. This was assault. Even if not at knifepoint, gunpoint, or immense violence, it was still assault, and something which would scar Hotaru’s ability to have intimacy with others.

The order of events next gets a bit stilted and messy. Hotaru started working at his first host club with Sadao’s permission, but Sadao eventually grew to resent that of which Hotaru did and would go back and forth on whether or not Hotaru should quit. Hosting is also extremely draining work that requires constant performance, so Hotaru was slipping in his ability to accommodate Sadao due to his fatigue. Their relationship ended when Sadao nearly strangled Hotaru to death for not saying exactly what he wanted him to say. The idea of control slipping and losing Hotaru terrified him, but resulted in him losing Hotaru regardless, because that was the final encounter which frightened Hotaru so much that he left him (and then getting cursed by Sadao after).

This unfortunately made him more vulnerable to hosting. Hosting isn’t supposed to be s/x work, but often is. There is a whole longer culture to this component, but to keep it short and sweet: no, trading s/xual favors for company in hosting isn’t legally permissible, and neither is it by the metric of a club’s rules, but many are glad to turn a blind eye if it increases profit for the talent and club. Also, depending on a club’s policies and whether or not they protect their talents, it can lead to a high pressure environment where they provide those “services”, but it’s really coercion.

Due to the nature of abuse and how certain behaviors remain if not addressed properly, and make someone more susceptible to abuse if left untreated, Hotaru was in an environment where he did partake in this even if he did not want to, even if with people he was not normally attracted to. In conversations of s/xual abuse, the dynamic is normally that of man and woman, and yes, other men did make unwanted passes onto Hotaru, but women did as well. There is a pervasive belief by many that women cannot taken advantage of men in this way, but it can and does happen. It did happen to Hotaru, and it’s something he’s never spoken of nor shared precisely due to the fact that he doesn’t expect to be believed in referencing these encounters. That, and he doesn’t have the expectation that someone would care enough to recognize the pain of this.

Hotaru, due to this hosting environment, was abusing substances. I don’t want to get into this much more beyond this portion, but he did indeed take part in “party culture” which involved substance abuse and s/xual promiscuity. Though I hesitate to label the latter as that because many of the encounters were coercion from men and women alike and with Hotaru in various states of sobriety where he could have not reasonably consented.

In many depictions of surviving this kind of abuse, it’s often associated with hypers/xuality or s/xual aversion. Hotaru is neither, I would classify him as belonging to the camp of dissociation. Every time these things would happen to him, Hotaru would mentally check out and let them happen as they would and try to forget about it later. Each encounter was mechanical and without any pleasure. It was done because he felt as if he had to—I’m pointing at that fawn response of his. He was afraid, vulnerable, and not doing financially well during this time of his life. Hosting does not start as luxurious and for some hosts, it never becomes that way. It did for Hotaru because he adapted well, but it also came at the cost of his body and his mental health.

His habits during this time were increasingly self-destructive because Sadao has cursed him shortly after their break up. This is where we round back to this idea of “taking”. Hotaru may not have a womb to “take”, but the spiritual through line of these things follows similar ideas that we see in female protagonists in horror games. His body was taken but also remains taken by yokai. The word “devoured” carries multiple connotations. Not every death Hotaru has is an allusion to SA, not every moment of being eaten alive is meant to represent that, but the purposeful ambiguity of what “dignity” means in a story and what access to a body could potentially symbolize is absolutely purposeful.

I realize this is nearly 2,000 words of extremely depressing analysis, but themes like these are very heavy and they’re not something I want to brush over. I want these themes and ideas to be represented with the nuance, love, care, and concern for what life means for the victim after these encounters. I frequently find myself dissatisfied in media with how these things happen, and are then treated like, “well! That’s over with! We don’t need to think about it anymore!”

Because in real life, it still impacts the victim, it isn’t an “arc” that they get to walk away from.

These encounters are why Hotaru views people as inherently selfish and self-satisfying, that people lack the capacity to meaningfully care for other people, because Hotaru reflects on this time very cynically. No one expressed concern for him, no one pushed water into his hands and told him to sober up, no one led him away from people who leered at him. So long as everyone was getting paid, his safety and well-being didn’t matter, and these things didn’t really happen to him because he was a man. These are lessons Hotaru hasn’t forgotten, and they will impact how he handles intimacy nowadays.

Because Hotaru has never been in a functional romantic relationship before, he doesn’t believe that they exist. And, supposing that he does overcome this hurdle, it doesn’t mean he’s going to do well in a s/xual context. I still imagine him as someone who freezes up, who hesitates, who gives very passive consent because he’s terrified that he’ll drive his partner away if he declines. Hotaru has been conditioned to believe that his consent does not matter, only the desires of those that he has attached himself to. And even though he tries to keep others at a distance now and tries very hard to be unpleasant, these aren’t traits one fixes overnight. Hotaru is someone who needs a lot of time to heal from this and isn’t the most functional in a romantic context for it.

Hotaru does have a desire to be loved and valued, but does not believe that humans are inherently good enough to provide it. Hotaru finds the idea of being an object of desire nauseating, paradoxically caught in this desire for love and this repulsion of it because it feels like a fantasy. It’s why his tongue is so sharp and he’s so quick to be nasty to those who speak to him, especially men. It is not that he hates men more than women, it is that he knows that he is attracted to men, and so thus he does not want to form greater attachments to them out of fear that any attraction could deepen and further harm him.

Hotaru is a character whose world views and defense mechanisms are informed by his traumas, and I feel like in order to authentically show his facets, these things need to be mentioned. Not, as I’ve stated, for any particular voyeuristic enjoyment or authorial sadism, but in the interest of authentically representing the complexities of survivorship and how it carries on long after the precipitating event.

I don’t want to end this particular conversation on such a grim note, so I do want to point out that Hotaru finds a lot of his healing through community and letting himself be supported. Hosting, by its inherent nature, is exploitative, but he does work in an environment now that prioritizes his safety and well-being. If he informs the bouncers of ESCAPE that someone has made him uncomfortable or is following him, then they will deal with that person accordingly.

He’s also similarly begun to find value in owning a pet. Pets have been proven to be beneficial to one’s mental health and oftentimes become the nexus of personal betterment. Hotaru moved into a better apartment, stopped abusing substances and having s/x because of Susu. He did not want to raise a chinchilla in an environment hampered by a dysfunctional owner. Hotaru has been clean for years now and has no interest in returning to those past, maladaptive coping mechanisms.

He still doesn’t have much by the way of friends other than Tsugumi, but he’s started spending more time with her in order to break up the monotony of hosting, going home, sleeping. Photography has also been a benefit to his mental health and has taught him to appreciate the world outside, even if he sees it as bleak. Because, for those few moments behind the lens, it feels like he’s seeing everything with a fresh set of eyes that haven’t been rendered exhausted by the external and internal pressures of the life that he’s lived.

Hotaru isn’t healed from these things and still suffers excruciating deaths, but the fact he is actively finding things to care for and is slowly opening himself up to connections with others again is him taking that healing journey. He’s not someone stagnant, constantly licking his wounds. I still think there’s a conversation to be had about the fact that shutting trauma away and not engaging with it is not the way of solving it, Hotaru is still doing his best with the limited information that he has and doesn’t want to be defined by all that he’s suffered, even if it bleeds through how he interfaces with others and his own world views.

Trauma is complicated, unpleasant, nasty, and often does not make the victim a saint. But the most important thing about Hotaru as a character, above all of it, is resilience. His purpose as a character is to show the remarkable faculty that humans innately possess to keep going even despite suffering and despair. Hotaru, despite the things that happened to him, is still someone who cares for others even if he claims to hate humanity. He still opens doors for people, helps elderly people cross the street, feeds stray cats, lets children examine his camera, makes small talk with cafe owners. Hotaru is unflinchingly raw and human. And sometimes being human means being nasty and traumatized and bitter, but in that same paradoxical instance, it means being filled with this brimming capacity for love and light. One does not contradict the other. The human psyche is infinitely complex and nonsensical and I want that demonstrated in Hotaru.

He’s the sort of person to be bitter and closed off and will tell someone to leave him alone, but he’s also the same person to sit down and tend to their wounds even if he insulted them literally hours prior.

I hope this analysis doesn’t seem like anything other than a love letter for the human experience and also Hotaru himself. Everything I’ve given him has never come from a malicious place, but rather a place of wanting to see someone experience horrible things, but not be beaten down by it, to still find things worth loving in the world, even if they’re as simple as a chinchilla in a cage and a camera on the table.

[gallusrostromegalus]

ok so re: sternritter i gotta ask, whats the plan for my girl gigi? she's a horrible awful gremlin baby but i cannot help but love her immortal tgirl swag.

also, are there any sternritter who got incredibly underused in the story that you've significantly rewritten so far?

As it stands, Gigi gets to live, but she is going to have to sit through a VERY unpleasant lecture about how yes, Gender is Fake, Political Organizations are Fake, and to an extent the 'Line' between living and dead is fake but Bodily Autonomy and Informed Consent are VERY, VERY REAL and you will *fucking* respect them because the Gotei-13 is the home of monsters.

For better or for worse, the person she's getting the lecture from is Tama Nikuya

---

Tama: Sure, you're a Monster too, Miss Gewelle -that's why I like you so much and am even extending you this offer- but I promise there are much worse things serving in the Guard than were dreamt of in your philosophy. Horrors, artificial and natural alike, well within the comprehension of your intellect regardless of gender, but no less awful. Worse, perhaps, because you understand what's going to happen if you put one drop of blood out of line-

Gigi, twitching: Urrgh!

Tama: Don't gurgle at me in that tone! Tama: You do understand, don't you?

(warning for body horror, parasitism, mind/body control, discussions of violence, transphobia and abuse under the cut) (Bleach is a pretty dark series and the Fic is E-rated accordingly)

Gigi, shaking her head as much as she can: Nglk!

Tama: What part don't you understand?

Gigi: Thzzg-? ThhZomg-!?

Tama, head cocked sideways, squinting as she tries to make sense of what Gigi is saying: 'the zog-'? The Zombie? Oh for fucks sake Gigi, we're well past that.

Gigi: Bugh-? Haaauuuu?

Tama: Alright alright, if it will help. The Zombie relies on some of your blood reaching my brain, or replacing a large portion of my own blood with yours, through which you exert your reiki, and thus control my body, right?

Gigi, Blinking Slowly: ... Gigi: Haugh- Haugh gid you vigure thad oud??

Tama, taking a deep, disappointed sigh: Babygirl, it's not that hard. That's very basic Spiritual Dominion magic. Don't get me wrong, you're very good at it and the sheer number of targets you can control is really impressive but as far as techniques go, it's not terribly complex or hard to counter.

Tama, Gestuting at where Gigi is awkwardly kneeling on the floor, paralyzed: Take the thing you've got- that's an enhanced strain of Ophiocordyceps unilateralis- you've heard of Cordyceps, I'm sure- that I've worked with to function inside humans- REAL pain in the ass by the way, Humans are insanely immune to infection and parasitism compared to most organisms-

Akon, holding an extremely large laser gun, not currently cocked but still at the ready: This is your requested reminder to stay on topic, Sir.

Tama: What? Oh, thanks- but Cordyceps is fun because instead of bothering to control the half-assed mess that is a mammal's neural system, it straight-up structurally takes over the large muscle groups! Just suppress the autoimmune response enough by giving the fungus an antihistamine release function too, and that sucker can crawl into every major support structure you have in under a week!

Akon: Yeah, I'm not sure 'Fun' is the right word here.

Tama: Don't knock it until you've tried it!

Akon, debating becoming the server technician for the 9th again: I'll take your word for it, Sir.

Tama, poking Gigi's arm just below where a long spire of the fungus is sprouting out of her shoulder, one of several growing out of her body and impacting her ability to move, including speaking: I'd say you're about 40% Fungus by weight right now, mostly your skeletal muscles, and those do what I say, which is why you're sitting down and listening while I try to change your mind. Tama, giving Gigi an encouraging thumbs up: -And why you still have a mind for me to change! Tama, giving Gigi a comforting pat on the shoulder next to the fungal spire: I have a lot of faith in your ability to make the right choices when presented with all the information, Miss Gewelle. If I thought I had to change your mind for you, I'd have pulled out the Hypomyces lactifluorum!

Gigi, watching Akon visibly shudder behind Tama: ...uhh. Gigi: Bugh. The Zomgee..?

Tama: Oh, right, The Zombie. Yes, yes- Reiki Domination is pretty tough to resist, especially from someone in your spiritual weight class, but, ah- Well, you've run into two big problems here Gigi.

Tama, sitting down on the floor next to Gigi: First problem is the use of blood as an infection mechanism. Tama, cheerfully, as though giving constructive criticism in an introductory art class: Honestly? Not a bad choice! Blood-bourne infections are some of the hardest to resist, and Forigen Reiki is a PAIN to purge from the bloodstream unless you flush the entire system. Most people, as you have seen, are doomed!

Tama, wincing: ...But I'm not most people. Tama, pondering: ... Come to think of it "People" might be a more correct term for what I am, but my situation is pretty radically different from "most" people!

Gigi, still defiant: Whad- Whaddafug ARE yu?

Tama, gesturing to indicate the situation is about as clear as mud, or morphology-based taxonomy: I- Well. It's long and not really all that funny story, but I got stuck on the wrong side of a a version of the Kodoku Bug Thunderdome curse- you know, the inside- for over eight hundred years with a whole mess of Hollows, Obake, and other nasty things and I went to some pretty extreme measures to survive. Tama, with a sad sigh: To make a long story short- I don't have blood anymore. Or a brain. Tama, frowning in contemplation: ...Or I'm ALL brain, it sort of depends on your definition of 'brain'-

Akon: Topic, Sir.

Tama: Thanks Akon! -But from my perspective, your blood is just another snack with a little bit of Reiki spice on top! Which brings me to your other problem.

Tama: You hit hard Gigi! Real hard! And you really should be proud of the degree of concentration you have! But like I said, the Gotei-13 is the home of monsters, and there wasn't exactly a burger joint or an opportunity to farm inside the Kodoku. ...I survived because I kind of literally ate things like you for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

[There is a long moment of silence as Gigi processes that statement, it's earlier compainion statement about what Gigi's blood was like for Tama, and the general implication of those on Gigi's circumstances]

Gigi: ...Gid I daste gud?

Tama, ears flicking up to listen better: What's that?

Gigi: Uck! Gigi, wide eyed with terror but somehow this situation has not ended in catastrophe yet, and she might be riding the adrenaline as far as it will go: ...Gid I datse good?

Tama: HAH!

Akon, turning around because he can't face this at 7AM without coffee: NO!!

Tama, teasing: Yes, you do taste very good, or at least the aperitif of blood you threw in the thing I use as a face did!

Gigi, giggling a bit in fear like a Hyena: Oh! Dhad'z Good! Gigi, stopping as the rest of the sentence catches up with her: Waid. Gigi: Whad Do you MEANg, 'ting you uze az a fage'? Gigi, with increasing horror: Whag- Whag ARE You?

Tama, giving Gigi a light, encouraging punch in the shoulder: You're a smart girl Gigi! You can figure it out if you put your mind to it! Tama, counting off the datapoints on her paw-pads: I don't have blood, or a brain, I lived underground with nothing but corpses to eat for a few centuries and my go-to restraint method is a parasitic...

Gigi, a horrible new world of possibilities opening to her like the lid coming off a tub of very expired sour cream: ...Mu-Mushgroom?

Tama, giving her two thumbs up: You got it! Tama: "Mushroom" is probably more specific than you intended, but you're not wrong! The part of me standing here lecturing you is more or less the organ I use for sex and sometimes paperwork!

Akon: Speaking of, the division W-2's still need to go out-

Tama: Akon, we're in the middle of an apocalypse. If the council tries to make everyone pay taxes on time this year, the Old Man won't have the chance to burn the government chambers down before the peasants do it for him. Chillax.

Tama, returning her attention to Gigi: It's probably why I'm so cheerful and down to party too! You know. Because I'm a *Fungi*!

Gigi, staring blankly: ...

Tama, wilting a bit: -A. Fun? Guy? A Fungi?

Gigi, starting to cry big, ugly genuine tears: Uh-uh-uuuuuhhhnnn...

Tama, trying to console Gigi with a hug that definitely makes things worse: ...You're right it'd probably be funnier if you didn't have a parasitic fungus rapidly taking over your person and forcing you to sit still and listen to a genuine freak of science tell you about Cannibalism. Tama, giving Gigi a little shake of encouragement: But you see how this makes my point, right? This isn't very fun for you, is it?

Gigi, suddenly locking up like a badly taxidermied fox: ...

Tama, staring blankly: ..? Tama, ears slowly rising as understanding dawns on her face: Oh?

Gigi, face rapidly alternating vivid shades of pink and white as her emotions battle for dominance, before settling on 'Scaroused': -Uh...

Tama, delighted: OH!

Akon, enraged: OH. MY GOD.

Tama, pointing at him and hissing: You are the LAST person who gets to kinkshame anyone young man! Tama, pointing back at Gigi: At least SHE knows how to have fun!

Akon: I'm gonna transfer to the Ninth and never, ever leave the server room again.

Tama: If you think you can withstand the emotional toil of leaving the mass spectrometer in my hands, be my guest.

Akon: :(

Gigi: Uh?

Tama: He's spiritually bonded to a particularly finicky piece of lab equipment that hates me, like how some tween girls become spiritually bonded to giant murderous equines, which also tend to hate me. Don't worry about it. Tama: Back on topic, this does explain a few things. You DO understand that your feelings about this situation are unusual and given that most humans and their spiritually powerful derivatives experience pain and fear from having their autonomy restricted and bodies invaded by parasites, How do you think being made into a Zombie feels for other people?

Gigi: ...Bahd?

Tama, nodding enthusiastically and making her ears flop in agreement: That's right! Bad! Tama, settling down a bit more to explain things carefully to Gigi: See, the thing is- even monsters like us need to get along with other people. Tama: I know a lot, but nowhere near enough to enjoy the benefits of civilization all on my own- I don't know how to fix a toilet, or fill out grant applications or stand in the same room as the mass spectrometer without breaking it, so it's really, really good I've got people Akon over there, who like me, who can, and more importantly are willing to do those things for me!

Gigi, annoyed: Gyou woulgnd AVV to-

Tama: hang on, hang on-

[Tama pokes a few points on Gigi's face and throat, using Reiki to disconnect some of the Cordyceps parasite, then pulls the spire that was developing under Gigi's tongue out. It's much larger than it looked, and makes Gigi's throat wiggle as she removes it.]

Tama: Oh hell, that shouldn't have been there. How were you even talking around that thing girl?

[Tama tosses the fungal spire aside and offers Gigi a water bottle. Gigi takes a few sips before nodding and Tama puts it away.

Tama: Okay, try again-

Gigi: Ugh- You wouldn't HAVE to get along with tall, drak and grumpy back there if he was a zombie!

Tama, disappointed: ... Tama, taking another deep sigh: ...Okay, let's say I zombify Akon-

[Akon cocks and aims the Laer Gun, which whines ominously as it charges]

Tama: WHICH I AM NOT GOING TO DO FOR REASONS I'M ABOUT TO ELABORATE ON, PUT THAT DOWN-

[Akon turns off and lowers the lazer gun, still glaring.]

Tama: Thank you. Tama: I know you're still getting used to how most people have conversations, but that was a normal way to discuss a theoretical scenario and not me about to turn you into a Zombie. Do you understand?

Akon: ...Ues, Sir.

Tama: He used to work for an Evil Clown, don't worry about it- Alright, Let's say I was a micromanaging-type moron, and I decided to zombify Akon instead of just getting along with him. I'd lose all his expertise immediately. No more functioning mass spectrometer or bathrooms.

Gigi, haughty: Mine do.

Tama: Pardon?

Gigi: My zombies keep. most of their skills and personality. At least the ones I make out of corpses. Gigi: Akon could still fix the mass-thingie and if you zombify the Grant Committee you don't even have to ASK for funding.

Tama, intrigued: ...Do they? That's good to know, I'll want to hear more about that later-but that still supports my point.

Tama: Alright, HYPOTHETICALLY I Zombify Akon, and the Grant Committee- well now, the person who's choosing when the mass spectrometer gets fixed and who gets grant money I don't need is ME, and I already have WAY too much work to do, I don't have initiative to spare for them! I got stuff I want to do! I can't micromanage everyone, everywhere all the time! Tama: It's literally easier, more efficient and frankly, way, WAY less stressful to just get along with people and live in a society than to try to DIY one out of corpses.

Gigi: ...I guess.

Tama: So that's my question Gigi. Tama: Are you capable of respecting people's bodily autonomy and personal space to get along with them?

Gigi, frowning and biting her lip: ...

Akon: That doesn't sound like a 'Yes'.

Gigi: It's not though. It's not less stressful to just get along with people. Gigi: That's- That's WHY I learned how to make zombies in the first place. I'd. I'd TRY to get along, dammit! But any time I let people make choices, they chose to get up my ass about my name, or cut off all my hair, or send me off to 'camp', or beat the shit out of me, or- or lock me in the mausoleum and leave me to starve instead of just call me my name or admit they had a daughter- Gigi: ... Gigi: So it was- Gigi: -It was easier with bodies. Gigi: Bodies don't insist you're a boy or call you a freak or take you to a 'private institution' to 'help you get better' where they strap electric paddles to your head and run a million volts through you- Gigi: Dead people are SO MUCH EASIER to get along with! They don't think you're a creep! They don't think at all! Gigi: I mean, why should I-? Why should I try to get along with people who have already made up their minds that they're never, ever gonna get along with me??

Akon: ... Akon: ...I mean, you are kind of a creep-

Tama: -AKON!

Akon: Hang on I'm not done! You are a bit of a creep, but it's not the girl thing, it's the zombie thing!

Gigi: Oh, just because you're scared of a dead body-!

Akon: GIRLIE I'VE BEEN DISSECTING CORPSES SINCE BEFORE I COULD TALK I AIN'T FUCKIN' SCARED AND I AIN'T DISAGREEING WITH YOU- YEAH. IT IS EASIER TO TALK TO A CORPSE THAN A PERSON. I SPENT PRETTY MUCH ALL MY ADOLESCENCE IN THE 12TH DIVISION'S MORGUE BECAUSE TALKIN' TO LIVE PEOPLE SCARED THE FUCK OUTTA ME!!

Gigi: WIMP! YOU HAVE NO IDEA-

Akon: NO, I THINK I FUCKIN' DO! Akon: YOU KNOW WHERE URAHARA HIRED ME OUT OF? Akon: PRISON. Akon: I GOT THROWN IN PRISON WHEN I STILL HAD ALL MY BABY TEETH, *JUST* BECAUSE I WAS SO CURIOUS ABOUT BODIES. JUST BECAUSE I MADE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE! PRISON-PRISON! THE MAGGOT'S NEST, WHERE THEY KEEP WAR CRIMINALS AND WORSE! Akon: YEAH, TALKIN' TO LIVE PEOPLE SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA ME, BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I TALKED TO SOMEONE, I LITERALLY GOT SENT TO HELL!

Gigi: -!

Akon: Captain Nikuya is RIGHT, the Gotei-13 is the home of Monsters- and the twelfth has got some of the most freakish and frightening ones of the whole guard! Akon: But I'll take the self-vivisecting, species-transgressing, only-barely-human Monsters any day of the week over the maggot's nest because we're all shamelessly, gloriously monstrous together, and the ONE damn rule of the monster's ball is to ASK before you fuck around with someone's stuff, especially their body. Akon: Not "Don't mess with someone's body", Not "Don't be weird", Not "try to be normal". It's "Be freaks and monsters, but also friends."

Akon: God help me if Nemuri ever finds out, but that's why Mayuri is still in that flask. Most of us have a pretty good idea how to isolate his consciousness again, but they way he- I'd have killed him the week after he took over if I had any idea how.

Akon: That's the rule Gigi. No violating anyone's right to live as they are. Akon: That's the difference between a monster- someone people are scared of just for being how they are- and the kind of FILTH that needs to be scrubbed off the earth. Akon: Do you understand Gigi? Nobody gives a shit if you're a girl on purpose or whatever- Fuck, I can think of a few colleagues who'd put themselves on a list for you to reanimate them when they die no matter how much of them actually comes back. It's overwritin' people's minds and controlling bodies BY FORCE. Akon, putting down the gun and patting his coat for his cigarettes: If I understood you right, that's more or less what people tried to do to you, isn't it? Tell you how to act, who you were, by whatever means necessary?

Gigi: ...fuck you.

Akon: Fuck me yourself, you coward.

Gigi: ... Gigi: So what am I supposed to do when someone gets up in my face again? Smile and play nice? Roll over so they can kick my guts out?

Tama: Oh, no- If they violate the "Don't mess with other people's autonomy" rule, all bets are off! That's why when you tried to murder me and Akon a few minutes ago, I was right to infect you with a parasitic fungus to protect myself and stop you! Tama: In fact, the sooner and harder you react to that shit, the less people will try to cross that line, so if anyone tries to fuck with you, you absolutely can and should make an example of them!

Akon, holding up his cigarette to ask if it's alright, and wating for Tama's nod: -If anyone tried that shit with me I'd absolutely turn them into a living educational exhibit on why people need to have skin, but genuinely? Nobody in soul society gives a shit what's in your pants unless they're your doc or fuckin' you.

Gigi, rolling her eyes: Sure, sure-

Tama, laughing: No! Really! It was a surprise for me too.

Gigi: You're lying to me.

Tama, shrugging: Okay, don't believe me, believe your eyes- Tama, ticking people off on her paw-pads: You saw the peacock earlier, he's a seated officer and Baldy is his Husband. Tama: Their boss is the most rampantly bisexual slut I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and the primary load-bearing member of the captainacy polycule-

Akon, starting to giggle: -Yeah I bet he can bear a lot of loads-

Tama, casually plucking off another fungal spire to half-heartedly throw at him: Oh, and the guy who had this job before me IS pregnant with his second child!

Gigi, incredulous: ...The guy with the stupid hat that looks like off-brand Shaggy from Scooby-Doo? That looks more a beer belly.

[Akon: Loud, Snorting Laughter]

Tama: Okay, you're right, it looks more like a beer gut than a baby right now, but PLEASE don't tell him that- He's in the weepy mood swings phase right now, and won't get his sense of humor back until the third trimester. Tama: We' re all placing bets on when Baby Kegger is gonna be born if you want in on the action.

Gigi, Biting her lip and grimacing: I- I don't-

Tama, taking Gigi's hand: -You know firsthand how weird my body is. I'm not properly male or female- I've got at least 21,837 sexes within me because of the insane way I have to metabolically regulate my body. Tama, shrugging: I'm just female in conversation because language hasn't evolved the 12th-dimensional pronouns I'd need yet. But when I brought this up at a meeting, the only question I got from the old man was if my uniform would need altering. Tama: I mean. It did, but that's because I'm 4'6" and i get all my clothes in the children's section, but I'm still amused that that was the captain-general's polite way of asking if I'd need any accomodations.

Gigi: ...Promise it'll be okay?

Tama: I don't know how the war is going to turn out, but if you help us and stop making zombies, I promise I'll do everything I can to make it okay.

[Gigi manages a weak smile]

Akon, wheezing, and doing a terrible Scooby-Doo impresson: Ruh-roh! Rhe Rexperiments Breached Containment, And Raggy's rust Whadder broke!

[Gigi, snorting and giggling in spite of everything}

Tama: See? Now you're laughing. When was the last time a Zombie made you laugh?

Gigi, sniffling a bit as she giggles: ...never.

Tama: So, are you ready to give an alliance a shot?

Gigi: I- I guess?

Tama: You guess? I can't go to the captain-general with a mere hypothesis.

Gigi: ...Yes. Yes, I'm ready.

Tama, grinning: So you're going to be a good girl and keep your bodily fluids to yourself unless asked?

Gigi, turning bright pink: Y-yes!

Tama: Yes, what?

Gigi, going even redder: Yes, sir!

Tama, patting her head and releasing the hold on the Cordyceps, at least for now: ...Very good girl.

Akon, rolling his eyes: Uuuugh....

Tama, helping Gigi up: Hey! You know damn well that positive re-enforcement-

Akon, hefting his Lazer-Gun back onto his shoulder: -is an important part of interpersonal communication, reward the behavior you want to see yeah, yeah-

[Akon is about to turn to leave when a thought occurs to him and he stops and glares at Gigi]

Akon: ...You DO hit like a fuckin' truck.

Gigi, blushing and twirling her hair: Well, I mean-

Akon, pointing accusingly at Tama: I KNEW IT! YOU'RE NOT RECRUITING HER FOR THE WAR, YOU'RE RECRUITING HER FOR THE SHINIGAMI WOMEN'S ASSOCIATION INTRAMURAL CRICKET TEAM!!

Gigi: -the what?

Tama: And what if I am? It doesn't matter to you- The Shinigami Men's Association couldn't keep their wickets up if their lives depended on it!

Akon: -Call me when Matsumoto-taicho can bat out of the pitch!

Tama: Yeah, the fact that Rangiku and Hiyori both suck at it and you STILL lost by 203 points to us is not actually helping your case here.

Gigi: Is. Is cricket a sport?

Akon: SPORT? Cricket is an entire EVENT! It's a Way of Life! It's the philosphical ideal of-

Tama: Yes. Tama: It's a very silly sport, and his team sucks at it.

Gigi: Ooh! If we all live through this, I can be a cheerleader!

Tama, causing problems on purpose: Yeah!

Akon, sputtering with fury: I- That's- CRICKET DOESN'T HAVE CHEERLEADERS!!

Gigi, pouting with her index fingers pressed together, rocking her hips: -But I wanted to cheer for YOU Mr. Akon!

Akon, freezing like a deer in front of an oncoming 18-wheeler: -! Akon, turning ever-so-slightly-pinkish about the ears: ...I'll think about it.

Gigi, grabbing onto Akon's arm: Yay! Gigi, hanging off Akon and babbling: What are the team colors? Do you think like Majorette uniforms are cuter or something more like a miniskirt and halter-top?

Tama, letting them get a bit ahead of her as she dials the main camp: Anyone on the horn? It's Nikuya.

Nanao, on the other end of the communicator: Status report?

Tama: Good news! I've eliminated an enemy, found us an ally AND a new batter for the team if we all live to see spring training.

[aro-geo-turtle]

Thinking about a potential angsty malevolent au that role swaps Arthur and Parker because I honestly don’t think Parker could have reformed John like Arthur did

Like, obviously this is super speculative cause we’ve never met Parker and only know a bit about him 2nd hand

But we know he looked at pathetic drunken mess Arthur Lester, decided that was the man he wanted to be detectives with, and then somehow actually managed to drag him back into being a quasi-functional human being.

We also know he and Arthur were a very effective investigative team, so he probably Arthur balanced out in a lot of ways. Arthur is very reckless and stubborn and throws himself at his problems, maybe Parker was more wary and cautious, more of a planner. Arthur has a remarkable talent for getting people to hate him in a weirdly obsessive way, perhaps Parker had the genuine kind-hearted charisma.

And we know from part 39 that Parker was the one who did most of the physical intimidation and brute strength parts of the job, so he wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty when it came to it.

And I feel like this paints a picture of a man who could get along well enough with the John Doe we have today…but maybe not the Entity he started as.

A big part of the reason Arthur and John’s relationship works is because they have basically the same response to feeling threatened: yell, scream, blame the other person for everything wrong in the world, hit where it hurts, give as good as they take, refuse to give an inch. And when they push too hard, this leads to some really horrible fights. But eventually they wear themselves out, all the feelings are out in the open, they pick themselves up, apologize, and move forward.

This dynamic is established very early on. In the first episode, John/the entity has all the knowledge, he knows more about what happened, about the supernatural, about Arthur’s surroundings. And he immediately uses this power to lie to and manipulate Arthur. But Arthur doesn’t let him keep that power over him for long. He gets his wits about him, establishes his own power as the one with the physical body here, and starts shoving back against John. Every time he does what John says, he makes it clear it’s because he has agreed it’s the best course of action. They establish a balance quickly.

This early in his independent existence, basically all John has is the King’s instincts of “humans are weaklings to be manipulated” and Arthur immediately asserts that that attitude is not going to stand with him, forcing John to rethink his relationship with humanity

Parker…likely wouldn’t have Arthur’s stubborn reckless audacity. I think he’s be more likely to respond with caution, bide his time and try not to make this thing mad until he can figure out how powerful it really is. With the lie that he was the one to kill Arthur, Parker might even extend compassion and empathy towards the entity, thinking that this thing has no memory of who he once was and no bodily autonomy at all, he’s probably really scared and covering it up.

This caution and empathy would serve Parker well in a whole lot of situations and probably save him from a lot that Arthur blunders into, but if he does a lot of what the entity tells him to do with little complaint…he’s going to be accidentally reinforcing the kings instincts that humans are to be bossed around instead of challenging them

And if bides his time until he’s fairly sure the entity can’t really hurt him and then starts pushing back and challenging him, that might feel like a betrayal or deception to the entity

I’m not sure exactly how things would go down, but I just think that Arthur was really the only person who could have set John on the right path by reckless challenging him from the beginning

(Parker paired with Yellow on the other hand… now that’s perfect and everyone needs to go read Refrain from the Surrogate AU right now)

[a-darling-thing]

I was going to post this as a reblog of this post, which was great btw, but since it deals with heavy themes, I decided to make my own post.

Potentially triggering topics (SA & CSA ) under the cut, obviously.

Here's the thing, though. I think both can be true. Yes, this is about Victorian society's themes of repression, the way society tries to control women and the narrative around their sexuality, and yes doctors often argued that problems with the genitalia are the cause of psychological hysteria in women, but also many of the women coming to Freud and other doctors to be treated for hysteria did have a history of CSA at the hands of male family members. And that got swept back under the carpet for many of those women, so that society could bury their collective shame, brush the women off as 'mad', and go on functioning.

Freud very much concluded his treatments of women with hysteria with something akin to a 'some women just have pussies that invite cosmic abominations' explanation. Otherwise he would have had to start finger pointing at well known politicians and business men, and that was not an option in his eyes.

What I personally love in gothic horror and romance in general, but in this movie especially is that it explores the themes of having experienced CSA in a way I rarely see. It explores what it is like to be sexually awakened at a very young age and at the hands at someone you thought you could trust and who had complete control over your safety in the world, and how that can be simultaneously experienced as terrifying, loving, violent, arousing, and how that forms and shapes your sexuality as you mature into womanhood and enter into romantic relationships of your own choosing, with loving and kind people who truly want to care for and protect you.

It also explored and condoned a woman who has had these experiences having autonomy and ownership over her own body, her own sexuality, her own choices, and especially, ESPECIALLY, how she chooses to process and work through everything that happened to her.

Nosferatu was not Ellen’s abuser. I think the movie pretty heavily suggests that that was her father. Nosferatu is the metaphorical embodiment of her trauma and how it has continued to haunt her, and how it has affected her, body and soul.

And that is why it does kinda irk me to see people attacking those who really romanticize the Ellen/Orlok relationship because they say it's romanticizing or condoning SA. It's not. It's condoning letting a woman interact with and process the trauma around her SA in whatever way her body and soul want and need, and whatever way seems best to her. It's condoning a woman's autonomy over her own body and her own sexuality ESPECIALLY when she has been through abuse.

You may not condone the way she chooses to do that because it doesn’t align with your idea of how a women who has had these experiences should act, or because it makes you uncomfortable, but it’s still her choice.

And of course you can read the film as not having an abuse/trauma metaphor at all. I've seen a ton of valid readings of this film, but I think that people are taking an 'it has to be one or the other' approach to interpretting the film either as an SA metaphor or more about the societal discomfort with and suppression of women's sexuality in the Victorian era (or lets be frank, even in today's society), and it very much can be about both. Those issues are interconnected.

[txttletale]

Dear Healed,

I've been seeing some posts floating around about the necessity of upholding bodily autonomy for its own sake (vis. transmutationisms's post on transitioning), even in cases where one's autonomy will be used to further harm themself (e.g. recognizing someone who SH's right to do so vs physically stopping them "for their own good").

While I agree with these wholeheartedly, I'm realizing that support is based in me thinking it's self evidently "morally right"; rather than a logical conclusion from a diamat analysis of affairs.

What would be that Marxist theory backing these truths? Thank you.

the broader politics of control of the body that these arguments are being levelled against are extensions of the politics of controlling the means of production. the politics of health and biopower as weaponized against marginalized people are deeply entwined with the politics of maintaining a functioning labour force--bodily autonomy is in direct conflict with the economic fact that selling your labour means selling control of your body. for the working class to have economic control of the means of production they must have control of their own labour and control of their own labour means control of their own bodies.