#wish they'd use a more current pic

[beardedmrbean]

Trump gunman Thomas Crooks searched for details about Lee Harvey Oswald’s assassination of President John F. Kennedy before he opened fire on the former president at a rally in Pennsylvania earlier this month, the FBI director revealed Wednesday. 

“We’ve just in the last couple of days found that from our review… analysis of a laptop that the investigation ties to the shooter reveals that on July 6, he did a Google search for “How far away was Oswald from Kennedy?” Christopher Wray told a congressional hearing.

The chilling detail is the latest hint at why Crooks tried to kill Trump during his appearance on stage in Butler, Pennsylvania. So far, investigators have not been able to find conclusive clues about his motive.

“That’s a search that obviously is significant in terms of his state of mind,” Wray said. “That is the same day that it appears that he registered for the Butler rally.”

Oswald’s fatal shots on Kennedy’s motorcade on Nov. 22, 1963 were made from about 88 yards. Crooks was even farther, about 130 yards — though still a distance that most practiced marksmen could make. 

Earlier, Wray told members of the House Judiciary Committee that Crooks operated the drone roughly 200 yards from the main stage between 3:50 and 4 p.m. on July 13, roughly two hours before Trump began his speech to supporters at the Butler Farm Show grounds.

“He was live-streaming the footage,” the FBI director confirmed during a line of questioning from Judiciary chairman Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), adding that the drone was up in the air for an “about 11 minute” window.

Wray also revealed that three two “relatively crude” explosive devices, two of which were later seized from Crooks’ car and another from his residence that were capable of had remote detonation capabilities via a transmitter found on his body after he was shot dead by Secret Service counter-snipers.

However, the “on/off” switch on the receiver held by Crooks did not appear to be working.

“If he had tried to detonate those devices from the roof, it would not have worked,” Wray noted. “But that doesn’t mean the explosives weren’t dangerous.”

Eight bullet cartridges were also recovered from the roof where Crooks opened fire, Wray said, and the 20-year-old shooter had further been using encrypted messaging applications. 

“We did not have any information about the shooter,” the FBI director also disclosed. “He was not in our holdings before the shooting.” 

The Judiciary panel hearing comes one day after the resignation of Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle, whose disastrous testimony before the House Oversight Committee on Monday led to bipartisan calls for her to step down.

Cheatle told lawmakers that the near-assassination of Trump, 78, was the “most significant operational failure” in decades — but still gave Secret Service agents an “A” grade for their response on the ground.

The FBI, Secret Service and the Department of Homeland Security’s Office of Inspector General are all investigating the shooting, which killed a volunteer firefighter and father of one, Corey Comperatore, and seriously wounded two others, David Dutch and James Copenhaver.

[cheesencrackersinprison]

Road tripping, aka torture

Ceaser had been in many traumatizing situations in his life.

His teenage years after his father left

Seeing his father die before his eyes

The pillar men fight-

However, none had truly shattered his soul as what the poor man was currently experiencing.

Where just after getting in the car was a composed, actually excited for the trip blonde, now stood-

no, layed-

the ruins of this far ago positive man, who felt like all the energy of his soul had been cuelly snatched from him, now just a lifeless body without meaning.

First there was no orange juice in that gas station store where they'd stopped to recharge, which, slightly, crushed deeply in the darkest depths of his soul in a way he'd probably never be able to recover, but that was fine.

He'd just resigned and pretended all was well despite the internal urge to turn emo and put #deadinside in all his instagram posts.

(After all it wouldn't fit with all his shirtless pics-

if he got some edgy tattoos to look the part then perhaps-)

Suddently he got kicked out his thoughts by a random bump, cruelly yanked away from his possible emo era becoming thoughts that muffled the noise arround him and put him back in the cruel place that reality currently was for him.

Motherfucking Joseph.

Ceaser hated him so much right now

The shattered remains of this man were currently being forced to listen to Joseph's screaming or as he probably would call it singing- he couldn't stand it at this point anymore.

However- alas, this man had no real choice-

He regretted so much not responding to that message asking for a dick pic that day.

Maybe then he'd have had a moment that would not have left him so pent up to the point of thinking joseph's waist looked grababble-

Or his toned pecs that were practically anime girl boobs at this point

Or his ass

Not to mention t hose juicy lips-

Ceaser would have slapped himself remembering that but he didn't have the energy

But- that was probably the reason he said yes to Joseph that day when he asked if he was up for a road trip.

The things that man did to him. Despite being straight, of course.

Because yes, Ceaser fought tooth and nail to keep his Straight Man™ persona, despite his bisexualism wanting to come out.

Pun non intended but now is

His thoughts, now more gay than emo, like a 2020 tiktoker slowly chirning into their next human pokemon evolution stage, were again cut off by a sudden scream as apparently Joseph's favourite song came on the radio.

"I THREW A WISH IN THE WELL, DON'T ASK ME I'LL NEVER TELL-"

The only wish he wanted was for Joseph to shut the fuck up, and he'd tell him. If he had the energy.

Ceaser snickered to himself with the little energy he had at his own mental quip, his sanity slowly drooping.

How Lisa Lisa was able to stand the screaming Beyonce wannabe himbo of her son, Ceaser would never know.

Looking at her, he tried to concentrate despite the noise, trying to see for any eye twitches or signs of trying to not show pain in this torture, he made a futile attempt to understand how this woman wasn't losing her mind.

Then he noticed the earplugs.

How dare she.

Ceaser could not believe his, once creative and properly working before this, brain, hadn't thought of that, thoroughly dissapointed in himself, or what remained of him.

His only remaining braincell, bruised yet proud, like that bitch Napoleon noone likes, like those french soldiers twerking after french blood was put in the spanish royals, sadly for all us spaniards, leaving us with slumped shoulders and a burnt and stomped-on french flag in the corner, which deep down we only did for the memes despite for a handful of old guys who were genuinely resentful, slowly remembered that A Creature apart from the dude banned from two countries and his mom was in the car with them, turning his head with the little energy in his destroyed flesh and soul to look at Suzi Q for any signs of fellow mental death.

Suzi Q was sleeping.

Suzi Q was fucking sleeping.

In this hellhole of a car.

With Joseph screaming Call Me Maybe at the top of his lungs.

Ceaser found himself severely concerned by how the fuck this woman was humanly capable of actually sleeping, worrying for how the fucking HELL she learned to sleep through such hellish sounds as if it were gentle relaxing rain or those satisfying sleep asmrs that only made you more stressed and want to tear someone limb by limb or punch into the wall like toxic "men should act like men" men in their 40's when their 19 year old wife made their dinner slightly cold because they were doing their best trying to balance take care of this shithole they called a home with taking care of their 4 kids because their bitch husband didn't want to use condoms because "he couldn't feel it".

Ceaser wanted to cry at this point.

But he didn't have the energy to either, when suddently noticing the screaming had stopped, Joseph looking at him, surprising the poor victim of the torture he called singing looking at him, surprising Ceaser with the slight display of worry.

"You look terrible, you ok Ceaserino?"

The screaming.

The orange juice.

His own pride and will to live.

His emo pokemon era.

It all churned inside him as he suddently felt The Zepelli Spirit bringing his energy back at the sudden lack of background screaming, like a small fed up child wanting to ask a question in Biology when his classmates finnally stopped becoming human airhorns after seeing a picture of a penis or a boob.

Ceaser looked at him dead in the eye, slowly inching closer to him despite Suzi Q being in the middle, pulling him slightly closer by the collar of his shirt and putting his mouth against his ear, not caring for looking like a weird borderline homoerotic tension romcom.

Ceaser screamed.

Joseph screamed from the scream in his ear.

The sudden yanking and bumping into her woke up Suzi Q who screamed as well, turning the car into an inhumane screaming match of blondes and Joseph.

Lisa Lisa just kept driving.

Those tesco earplugs were damn good.

[marshallpupfan]

Marshall Merchandise Update!

Ha ha... Walmart made a liar out of me. I was there not even a week or two ago, and they had no Jungle Pups toys, whatsoever. I stopped in today, and look at what they're finally stocking on their shelves! The selection was quite small, however. They just had the Deluxe Elephant vehicle, the Marshall & Skye set, and the Chase & Tracker set. For the usual-sized vehicles, they only had Rubble's and no one else's.

You know, when the Mighty Movie toys slowly trickled in, I recall my stores only got Rubble at first, too. What's up with that? It's like they expect his merch to fly off shelves, so they always stock it first. I wonder how true that is...?

The "Deluxe Elephant Vehicle" is certainly the star attraction this time around. Unless I'm mistaken, Marshall's the only one to get one of these larger vehicles, so way to go, spotted one! To be honest, outside of Tracker, I'd say he might've had the second-biggest presence in Jungle Pups, which after season 9, I was very glad to see.

...Which makes it all the more a shame that Nickelodeon USA shoved all of the episodes out in less than a week here. I really wish they'd taken their time with this subseries. :(

In any case, this thing's trunk is supposed to launch plastic water balls (three are included), which is pretty neat. You can place the unused ones in that tube on top, and I believe you can press a button somewhere to release a little latch to have the next water ball roll into place to get launched. There's also a container on the back where you can store them. The driver's seat has the usual clip so the Marshall figurine won't fall out, though I sometimes dread using those, as I'm always afraid it might scratch the paint on the figurine. 😅

Overall, I'd say it's pretty cool! Hopefully the kids will like it, too.

Next, the "Marshall, Skye & Elephant" set. As I mentioned before, there's another set just like this, except it has Chase, Tracker and a tiger. Admittedly, I wish they'd included Chase and Marshall together. Skye fans would've been happy with Tracker, right? lol

Similar to the vehicle above, the elephant also launches a projectile, although this one's more of a splat of water. Also, I compared the two figurines of Marshall, and they're virtually identical... save for his pup pack being yellow and there's less silver paint. They didn't always used to do that, but I think, ever since the pandemic, they've been cutting costs by just using the same mold and painting them a little differently. I'm not sure how to feel about that. 😅

That's it for the Jungle Pups toys for now. Marshall also has a smaller, more traditionally-sized vehicle, but my Walmart didn't get any in yet. Naturally, I hope to add that at some point... and any mini-figurines, plush dolls and/or True Metals, if they end up making any. Currently, I've no idea if those are coming or not. No doubt the Jungle Pups line of merchandise won't be as big as what came before it.

But while this is all I have to show of Jungle Pups... I've got one more item recently that I'm especially happy to finally own!

Behold! A Christmas ornament of Marshall's hat! As some of you might remember, or if you recall the Daily Marshall Pic I posted last Christmas (click here to see it again, as I hand-drew the strand and animated the lights myself and I'm still rather proud of it), the TV series actually featured this ornament in one of its episodes! Season 7's "Pups Save a Bah-Humdinger", to be precise (which aired back in 2020). They made some of them into actual ornament soon after, and I've been trying to get a hold of one for a few years now.

...However, they only ever showed up on Amazon, and they only sold Marshall's ornament in a set with Chase and Skye's ornaments (pic below). I kept hoping they'd sell them separately, so I waited and waited for them to show up either in stores or on Ebay. Strangely, no such luck. The only option was Amazon.

However, over time, the price started to drop more and more. They started around $23, and they recently dropped to around $12. I figured why not finally go for it, especially since a relative of mine was able to get me free shipping through her Prime membership. I wasn't sure if I was going to get the one I was looking for, as a review stated that when they bought the set, the only got one. Fortunately, they sent me all three, so that made me happy.

...Except they used bubble wrap to ship them, and Marshall's ornament arrived broken. The part on top, with the yellow ball and mistletoe (?), had snapped off, due to it being rather thin and all. Still, a little super glue fixed it right up, so it's practically good as new. It's disappointing that happened, but hey, I'm glad I finally have it. :)

And that's all for now! Geez, I didn't mean to type so much in this post. I'm a bit long-winded, huh? Ha, I guess I don't know the meaning of the word "brevity". To wrap things up, hopefully my stores will get the other vehicles in soon enough, and anything else of Jungle Pups that's yet to come. I'll let you all know what I find!

[rawcherrycake]

@theartofeverything OHHH BOY ALRIGHT I'LL RANT ABOUT MY SCHOOL

Alright, so in the country i live there's like a net of semi-private schools (Semi as in to enter a school you have to pass an infamous test of 40 questions and to guarantee a vacancy you have to get at least 25 right, which isn't all that easy bcs i studied for two months straight and got 26 LMAO)

But i got in! (Somehow!!) And my school is the second largest in the area so super cool even though i tend to get lost HSHSH

Firstly, they are super inclusive. Only reason i haven't told anyone i'm trans is because my mom threatened that if i did she'd get me out of that school but teachers have pins and stickers about inclusion (mostly LGBTQ+) and they have a mural with a pride flag!!! Which i'm very happy my mom missed when she visited!!!!! An old friend of mine that studied there for a year before me assured that if i told the teachers about my situation they'd be very careful to use the right pronouns when talking to my mom, but i'm still paranoid as hell so

Secondly, it's SO more organized than local public schools, we always have a teacher, they don't allow smoking in school grounds and the enviroment is simply better (they got a pond with geese and turtles AUGHH)

ALSO i'm a highschooler but they treat us like we were in university. We can come and go as we please, can stay until 10pm if we wished to, we can bring our own food and they got a MINI KITCHEN FOR THE STUDENTS with a fridge, and microwave, and sink, it's amazing!!!! Though this also means more responsability for us, but i'm all in for that.

On the first day they also have this weird tradition where they make every first year class watch a video of tap dance where the ocassional motivational word pops up and everybody just YELLS it, it's so funny because we didn't understand a thing of what was happening at first but just accepted it and joined the yelling HRJJAHD

They also have after-class clubs and courses, which in my country are very rare, though sadly i can't join any because of my schedule.

Anywho, i can't wait to make some new friends! I'm a very out-going and talkative person so i get along with pretty much everyone, but i haven't really made friends xD I tried talking to this girl from another class that had cool spiderverse pins but she never answered my messages sssoooooo... not gonna pressure her if she doesn't want to

OH ALSO they got an insta account made by students where if you see someone you're interested in (either platonically or romantically) you can anonymously send a pic and everyone teams up to figure out who it is 😭😭 wing-maning to the next level. My family jokes that one day i'll see a pic of myself there but i highly doubt it HSJSKA

Maybe these are all normal stuff for some people, but man for me it isn't.

I come originally from a third-world country where schools don't really have teachers or resources, and where i currently live conditions are MUCH better but a lot of public schools are very disorganised so i'm super hyped for this school jahfjsk

[saucerfulofsins]

Hey Nate :) I was at the game last night. I know this won’t make a difference but I wanted to share with you one thing I appreciated. After doing a lap or two and a shot with the Pride tape sticks, a lot of the guys swapped them out for their regular sticks. Except Jonny. Jonny kept his Pride stick the longest, stick handling all over the ice, in no hurry to switch it out. (I noticed after a minute because I was very invested in knowing for sure if Jonny was last man standing, I think Lafferty waited to switch his out too.) I know it’s a frivolous piece of information in the grand scheme of your point (of which I agree) but I wanted to share it. Hope you’re well, I’m still enjoying all of your art, it takes my breath away every time you post! (I’m 💕 anon from a month ago 💕💕)

Did he now, omg!!! Thank you so much for letting me know!!! I saw some pics where he had his normal stick out, no pride tape :( This does make me wish they'd taken a few more pictures of him in his pride gear, I guess! The fact the only picture I've seen of Jonny with the rainbow C came from a fan on twitter, and the only time I'm hearing of Jonny w/pride tape is here! Like, it just... Like you say, it sort of sounds frivolous to begin with but then - they could've done a tiny little bit more so easily?

Also I just... I don't know why it frustrates me so much to get so little content for pride night. Or rather, I do know, it's just... I don't know. I understand that many guys feel more comfortable playing with white tape simply because that's what they're used to! That bit doesn't piss me off. It's the lack of photos. Nice to have an Instagram takeover by a gay Hawks employee, but like, that in turn means we see little to no content from the players themselves? Obviously I'm not saying "someone should come out" but it feels like they're doing the minimum amount of work. I would've liked it if they'd done something a bit, well, MORE, like the Canucks did with their logo for pride night.

Just the fact that they're doing so little to me feels like they're appeasing the homophobic fans. Which. Blergh.

(<3 <3 <3 legit once again thank you so much for messaging me. I'm well, just busy currently with an essay deadline and then my MA thesis :') )

[jacscorner]

What about if Jango was in Spelljammer? Speaking of which, what did you think of the UA? Any thoughts on the upcoming Spelljammer book?

Alright, let's tackle the former first.

Personally, I LOVE Spelljammer. I didn't play it, but it's my favorite thing to come out of D&D purely cause of the aesthetic. I LOVE space pirates and science fantasy! I love the idea of THE Spelljammer being this legendary ship every spacer worth their salt is after! Just one massive treasure hunt in the background while the players go off in their space-age swashbuckling!

As for the UA, it's just a bunch of races. And I'm...I was pretty neutral on most of them, and about half I still am. Not that I'd tell you not to play them, they're just not for me-at least in their current state. The other three, still probably wouldn't play unless in a specific mood for them, but I like 'em.

In order (of the PDF):

We didn't need Astral Elves. They're just another flavor of Elf and we have more than enough. Look, I know I post a bunch of 'Elf Sidekicks', but we didn't need D&D's Magical Timelords. Still, they're a fun edition, if only because I think they'd make for fun NPCs and I certainly wouldn't stop anyone from playing them.

Autognomes are literally just Warforged, but bite sized. Actually, how come THEY can use Mend to fix themselves, but Warforged can't?

The Furry in my REALLY like the Giff and Hadozee. They feel kind of underwhelming, but, like, I'd totally play these. Giff cause I LOVE playing classes that are all about being strong and throwing their weight around, and Hadozee cause I also like the idea of doing D&D parkour without needing to just play Monk. (Wait, holy shit, I can play THE MURRAY in D&D!)

Plasmoid was the one race I originally liked the most, but now, it's in 3rd place. It's still a neat concept though, and I warmed up to it since my initial positive-neutrality towards it. It's still not a first choice for me, but, like, it's a pretty neat concept. Another fun race for some fun scouting/infiltration is a really cool mechanic.

Thri-Keen are...interesting. Though I just wish there was...I guess more? It'd be a LOT, but I kind of wish that they were more like a dedicated "build-a-bug". Like, subraces fully dedicated to different kinds of insects. Spewing acid for Fly, Unarmed Slashing damage for Mantis, maybe a bigger boost to AC and a charge attack for Beetles, an advantage on STR checks for Ants. I'm probably asking for too much.

And because this post is too long as is, the pic is under the cut. XD

Honestly, he should have a bigger grin on his face, but oh well, hindsight. Because, honestly, even without the color, he doesn't look badass or anything. XD He looks cheesy.

And WITH the colors, he looks like a dork. I think I need to retire this concept of just giving him ALL these colors at once, because as is, he looks so silly. I mean, that's pretty in character for Jango, but good LORD is that outfit loud. He looks less like a hardened spacer and more like the mascot for cereal. Like Fruity Pebbles or something.

"Argh, it's Captain Jango, a jolly space pirate who plunders the stars to share with you all Post's Fruity Pebbles™ Cereal, part of a complete breakfast! As opposed to the Oatmeal Navy, who wants everyone to eat boring oat mush!"

I feel he'd work better as an NPC instead of a player character now. XD

Also, I gave him a jolly roger cause I had One Piece on the brain.

[k347]

Well, Scott traveled to be with his closest family, if that Toby pic had been recent they'd have been traveling to be with a group of friends. There is a clear difference. The hate was insane but they're not the same thing.

Not to get personal or anything, but my closest family and almost all of the blood relatives are in India right now. Are you going to tell me it would have been totally alright and okay if I had travelled all the way there to celebrate Diwali instead of being cooped up in my apartment? (Just fyi, Diwali is to Indians, what Christmas is to Americans. It is the festival of the year) 😅 Also, as I mentioned before, I am originally from India. Thanksgiving isn't really my own family's tradition. But still that day is really important for me and I celebrate it every year. Have been doing that since I was a kid. You know why? My Friends, neighbours and acquaintances from here. I love the holiday because of all these amazing & lovely people in my life. This year most of us couldn't be together because of the current situations. But we still cooked the food, made that dessert and recited our toasts & prayers. Got emotional & cried on a group video call. So for some people, Friends ARE family. Sometimes friends can mean almost as much (if not more) than the closest of your relatives. So please stop judging everyone and their life decisions by your narrow minded perspective. Tbh I sort of feel sorry for you for not getting to have such close friendships yet, and I wish you can develop them at some point in your life (♥️). Maybe then you'll understand what I'm trying to say even better.

As to directly & objectively answer your ask,

I never said Scott and Toby situations are the exact same thing. But if you think about it, they're not that much different either. I guarantee you, if Chris had some more recent pap pics with a girl, Scott would have gotten the backlash on his insta too (Remember when he posted a selfie with one of Chris' previous girlfriends on Christmas a few years ago? It received a lot of negative comments and criticism, even though as far as I can remember there was no global pandemic going on in December 2017🤔 Go and check it out on instagram. The post is still up. Scott doesn't post too frequently so you don't even have to dig in as deep or stalk too much as the crazy part of fandom did on Ale's & all of her friend's accounts 😂)

Another proof of what I was saying. It doesn't matter whether it's Chris, Seb, or any other celebrity. The intensity or number can differ by some amount, but still all of the hate storms from fandoms always oh-so-conveniently occur only when the man in question appears to be in a relationship with someone. Can't you see an obvious pattern here?

The point of my post wasn't family or friends or travelling or how close Chris & Scott or Seb & Toby are. It was that bullying people is wrong (both irl & online). The important part you missed, is Mr. Hemingway didn't deserve ANY of the hate he got. He just posted a picture with a friend. Whether it was old or new, whether they took it on a rooftop or a resort...IT. IS. NONE. OF. OUR. BUISNESS.

Nobody would have batted an eyelash leave alone writing mean comments if toby had travelled to the Mauritius, Antartica or the fucking moon & the picture he posted from there didn't have Sebastian Stan in it or if Sebastian Stan had declared point blank that he is single at the moment (like Chris Evans did on Bill Maher show)

You can twist it any way you want. But there is no hiding the truth. All the hate and toxicity radiating from the seb fandom has one root cause. Jealousy. More precisely, the anger born from that ugly emotion.

Misplaced anger which some people are trying to justify by using the crutches of 'holding a celebrity accountable'. Their failed attempts at explaining their own wrong actions are laughable, really.

Calling out someone on something wrong they did is one thing. Harassing that person for months about it? Stalking each & every little sm activity they make, spreading baseless & toxic rumours (that I don't even wanna get into discussing), devoting pages, blogs, multiple accounts and SO MUCH TIME for spreading all that negativity about a man you don't even know personally?

This is what they call CWS (Celebrity Worship Syndrome). In psychological studies, it is described as an obsessive-addictive disorder where an individual becomes overly involved and interested (i.e., completely obsessed) with the details of the personal life of a celebrity.

***

A quick note for the other 50, 60 or however many anons who are sitting in my inbox right now & will soon get deleted- Consider this as a combined answer to all of your asks. I have neither the tolerance nor the time, will or patience to individually deal with each and every one of your shit explanations for cyberbullying or your crisis of not having a life.

Au revoir. Sayōnara. Adios. Auf Wiedersehen. Vaarwel. Aloha. Alvida. La Revedere. Goodbye in any and every language you speak.

[punkscowardschampions]

James & Ava

James: [let's say he puts up an insta of those bubs playing with those torts for her to see] Ava: 🥰 So happy they like 'em, I would've tried to get a real one but they were not fitting in the hand-luggage and apparently that's illegal 🤷 James: [ages later like] James: picking you up from A&E is one thing, a holding cell is quite another Ava: I understand, there's fast and then there's that Ava: thank GOD my Dad will front my bail 😏 James: & your brother's practically a lawyer so there's that Ava: If it weren't him I'd raise questions about having a 'basically' lawyer take my case but yeah Ava: do the torts have names yet? Ava: keep me posted tah James: they do James: Clover & Dandy Ava: 👏 Ava: very creative, very cute Ava: must take after you James: Matty's suggestions were all rejected for being too confusing, which in my opinion was slightly brutal of Jay, but I do also see her point Ava: 😂 Ava: They can have some confusing but adorable nicknames Ava: I couldn't say either my brother or sister's names for the longest time Ava: stuck being 'Uster and 'Ancy James: & yet if the roles were reversed they'd have had such an easy time James: yet more evidence you're a 😇 Ava: and very easy to spell when I got to School, thanks mum and dad Ava: you were alright, 'til it gets to your surname, bit unfair that James: I used to just do a J James: ironic now but I didn't like writing much when I was younger James: added the a & y later when everyone started calling me it Ava: It must've been something, to get to pass that on James: she did it without asking me James: but I know she could have fared a lot worse Ava: Oh, really Ava: I guess that's a thoughtful gesture on her part James: from an outsiders perspective, yes, but I understand why she actually did it Ava: Why? James: because she wanted me to step up & it was the most obvious way there is to say that she's mine & I had to Ava: Ah, that makes sense Ava: in that case, thoughtful as in well thought out but not beyond that Ava: she took your name from you that's James: I'm happy for Jay to have it now though, she'd hate a 'girly' name James: I would have had to find a nickname she could bear to be called in that instance Ava: Yes, at least she's the one who actually has the name, that's never gonna feel bad James: I don't remember where Matilda's came from, we were barely speaking then James: so that does feel worse Ava: at least there's an excellent book and character waiting James: very true James: & she had terrible parents Ava: You won't be getting a hat glued to your head any time soon James: today I won't, we've all learned so many 🐢 facts Ava: Go for esio trot first James: I will, I haven't read it before James: thank you, Ava Ava: You'll like it, and for Roald Dahl, it's pretty sweet Ava: no bad ideas before bed time, like James: does it have a happy ending? Ava: It does Ava: for humans and 🐢 alike James: I've missed you Ava: I've missed you Ava: Obviously couldn't commit the cliche of meeting me off the plane, but when can I see you? James: what are you doing tomorrow? Ava: Avoiding unpacking Ava: I think I've got a brunch date but beyond that, I'm free James: my dad is out of the office all day if you'd like to come & visit me Ava: I'd like that a lot Ava: I definitely will Ava: that'll be okay, right James: she's not going to also decide to visit me James: or talk to anyone that could see you doing so Ava: okay good Ava: Obviously you've thought it through but got a 😇 rep to protect James: I'll never be reckless when your halo is at stake, I assure you James: it's very important to me Ava: What about my 😈 Ava: You can do something about them too, yeah? James: absolutely James: those horns need to stay sharp, of course Ava: God you're hot James Ava: I've missed you so much you have no idea because I lack the words to explain it in any way that would convey just how hard it's been being so far away from you Ava: but I am very much ready to show you tomorrow Ava: and I'm not just talking about the holiday snaps that were not suitable for public display James: It's vital that the protagonist of my 1st novel is very multifaceted 😇 & 😈 which is why I wouldn't write it about just anyone James: I'll show you tomorrow, why it has to be you Ava: I'm so glad that it's me Ava: fuck James: I've lost hours thinking about the tan lines you potentially do or don't have, I'm very invested Ava: I have a strict no spoilers policy Ava: all will be revealed James: but I need to know Ava: 😏 Ava: It does seem cruel and unusual to make you wait when you've already been waiting so long Ava: too 😈 perhaps James: but sending gifts was very 😇 James: what decision are you going to make? Ava: It was just a little something Ava: if I had to get something every time I thought about you, we're talking grains of sand on the beach level Ava: I can't send you pictures, can I James: no, she has an app that restores any pictures I delete Ava: Hmm James: that said, you don't have any tattoos or anything clearly identifying Ava: that's true Ava: can she see the account of who's sent the pictures Ava: because it doesn't have to be me who sends them, or anyone else that actually exists to hunt down James: how many times are you going to go above & beyond to prove to me that you're too smart for King's? James: I believed you on the 1st tour Ava: I can be smart as long as we need to be smart Ava: and I had to make sure you wanted to talk to me after the 1st tour, of course James: I wanted to talk to you before the 1st tour, you know that Ava: I know Ava: Can I ask you something, if you promise to be honest James: yes Ava: Did you think badly of me for trying to pursue you when I knew you were married Ava: or what did you think of me, I guess James: I was too busy being glad that you wanted to James: but of course I wondered why James: I still wonder what it is that you could ever be interested in about me Ava: I can't profess to giving it particular or cohesive prior thought myself Ava: we both allowed some recklessness that day, clearly Ava: and I know you do, I'll write you a book one day Ava: but it'll take me a while to get down everything I find interesting and worthwhile about you James: I can wait Ava: Good Ava: One job at a time Ava: and this profile is looking pretty realistic and is as close to untraceable as is possible Ava: but I'm assuming she doesn't moonlight for MI5 James: do you? James: because you perhaps should Ava: 😏 Ava: Only to write my award-winning, world-changing exposé James: you're going to be a spectacular journalist Ava: Thank you 😊 Ava: I'll spare waxing lyrical about the vitality of a free press, don't think the readers will be about it when we could be talking more about my tan lines James: please do continue James: on whatever subject you feel the most passionate Ava: [a message request from this fake profile moment] James: [immediately accepts and immediately dies] James: oh Ava: you said passionate James: I did Ava: You're a subject I can get really worked up about, like James: I can see that James: & feel it Ava: Good Ava: Are you allowed to send photos to a fake girl or no? James: I don't care if the fake girl gets discovered James: she means nothing to me Ava: Poor fake girl Ava: still, can't be all bad James: it's not James: because now I can show you how much you mean James: [and does because FINALLY can send each other whatever they want] Ava: [what a glorious moment also over here like don't say ily don't say ily] Ava: OH James: Thrilled as I am to be behind a locked door, I'd be even gladder if you were here too Ava: yeah I Ava: feel that Ava: really feel it James: it's my turn to ask you a question James: do you want to hear the story of what would happen if we currently had all the time we could possibly want to really delve into 2 weeks of thoughts, dreams & wish fulfilment or do you want a narrative that's more realistically framed, so unfortunately there's not much opportunity for description or dialogue but instead every second is intensely action driven because we don't have a single one to waste? Ava: The latter Ava: I know the story, as the protagonist I've been living it with you Ava: Call mystery girl, she'll be as quiet as she can James: [does of course] Ava: Well James: I'm speechless James: but still here Ava: Please stay Ava: I hope you can stay James: I'll try Ava: Remember I told you this is different James: yes Ava: I really haven't felt like this before Ava: is what I'm saying Ava: I'm even more sure this is entirely new now James: understood James: I know you understand that it's the same for me Ava: I do James: Ava James: please stay too Ava: I will Ava: Literally nowhere else I'd rather be Ava: or no one else James: I'll try to understand that Ava: I'll try to make it clearer Ava: long as that may take Ava: not a quitter James: you've also never been unclear Ava: But you should know by now Ava: you know James: that's my error, not yours Ava: Shh James: I can't because Ava: Why? James: none of the blame for what I don't know rests on you Ava: but Ava: yeah, that's true Ava: but there's more ways I could show you Ava: tell you James: are there? Ava: yeah Ava: but you know Ava: scary James: that I do know for definite Ava: You don't think I'm 🙀 James: I think you're brave James: but you recognise when to be cautious Ava: I recognize it Ava: I rarely want to be cautious though James: we wouldn't have a story if you did Ava: 😏 okay Ava: I feel less bad James: don't feel bad at all James: please Ava: okay Ava: I'll try Ava: if you do James: you shake Frank's paw & I'll shake a 🐢's James: arm? whatever they have Ava: 🥰 you are so fucking cute Ava: and it's a deal James: [sends her a pic of him doing it because he can now #nerd] Ava: [send a video of Frank mugging her off like get away from me mother] James: 😂 Ava: I still agree to the terms and conditions Ava: he's just a diva and thinks I'm trying to give him an unwanted manipedi James: I can relate to the dread of an unwanted makeover James: tell him I apologise for laughing Ava: Dad duties? James: the reality of a very controlling wife Ava: 😑 Ava: Well we'll go shopping, one day James: only if Jay can come too, nobody hates having no influence over their own wardrobe more than she does Ava: Of course Ava: she's got to meet Frank James: she would love to, you honestly have no idea Ava: One day soon Ava: I can handle bumping into you at the park without being too 😍 James: I don't know whether to be happy or sad that you can apparently handle that Ava: I'm nothing if not over-ambitious Ava: and over-confident James: I like both of those things about you Ava: There's nothing I don't like about you James: I got it really wrong, you're not trying to age me, you're trying to kill me Ava: Never Ava: What would I do without you? James: you'd survive, as you're always saying Ava: 🥺 Ava: no James: it's okay, we don't have to find out James: I want you with me, not without me Ava: I need you James: Ava James: I haven't got in it me to walk away again, I mean it Ava: Then don't Ava: it isn't what I want Ava: but as well, I really don't think it's right, for you or for anyone, me included Ava: It wouldn't be easy, at all, but if I thought this was wrong, I wouldn't do it, I'd have to stop, somehow James: I know Ava: I'm not a bad person Ava: and neither are you James: you're a good person James: & being with you isn't what makes me a bad one Ava: You're a good one Ava: one of my favourites James: no, but you make me want to be better at being a person James: because you're one of my favourites too Ava: We're all just trying to get better at being people, yeah James: most of us Ava: The rest are gonna wake up and realize they wasted a lot of time pretending they had it all figured out, too late James: I'm so happy I met you Ava: That is definitely very mutual James: even if this all goes wrong again tomorrow or any time before how long we want it to last, I want you to know I won't be sorry about the start or the middle Ava: That means more than that phrase can convey James: & I want to emphasise I'm not only saying so because everything else in my life is going horribly James: if I was happy I'd want to share that with you too Ava: I love you James: Ava Ava: I couldn't not say it anymore, I'm sorry James: I don't want you to be sorry if you're not Ava: I'm not sorry that I mean it, or feel it Ava: but I am if I crossed a boundary James: you can say anything to me Ava: Well Ava: there it is James: what are we going to do about it? Ava: Up to you really Ava: we don't have to do anything Ava: do we? James: but that wouldn't be right James: things shouldn't go on as they are Ava: Sometimes they have to though Ava: anyway, does it even count as a declaration of love if I don't run to your house in the pouring rain in something made of white silk, like James: it counts that you're the 1st adult who has honestly said that to me Ava: Then I'll say it again Ava: I love you, James James: Then we need to find a way to be together properly Ava: Yeah? James: yes James: you can't be this important & the other most important person in my life not know that you exist James: or never have woken up next to me James: I still have no idea how beautiful you look when you're asleep Ava: We'll work it out Ava: be together properly James: I promise James: because I have no intention of breaking it Ava: I'm thinking maybe you want me dead too James: not even hypothetically James: I need you too much Ava: My legs feel like they ache from not being allowed to come run and find you right now James: I keep accidentally hurting you, don't I? James: Frank has no skills as a masseur I assume? James: IOU Ava: I'm holding you to that one like it's a bonafide promise too James: good James: because while I don't technically have any skills of my own, I'm confident you'll let me know if you like my attempts or not Ava: fake girl might be quiet as a mouse but that's not my style unless absolutely necessary James: that's why you're my favourite & she's my scapegoat Ava: 🥰😏 I can only be so sorry James: well, it's fine because apologies aren't what I wanna hear Ava: All I wanna hear is my alarm so it means I get to see you today James: almost looking forward to going to the office myself James: how unusual Ava: They're so welcome for the boost in morale, like James: if I could keep you on my desk all day, I would Ava: When the novel is ready and you're ready to be fired, then we can do that James: okay James: I'll pull a few more all-nighters James: see if I can't get these chapters finished Ava: I'll nap beside you Ava: at my most inspiring when I 😴 James: I find it hard to believe you'd be anything other than distracting Ava: Who, me? 😇 James: yes, you James: you're very beautiful, you know Ava: 😊 Ava: You're lovely James: it's true, you make me wish I knew how to paint Ava: You make me wish a lot of things, I get that James: tell me one day Ava: Every wish? James: yes Ava: Okay Ava: we can count how many have come true James: until they all have Ava: Happily ever after James: it would be over ambitious & over confident of me to suggest I'm capable of giving you anything close & I'm not anything close to being either Ava: You're just less talk, more make it happen Ava: you've shown that plenty already Ava: I believe in you, I always tell you James: I can always feel how sincere you're being when you do Ava: Good 'cos I don't lie Ava: even to be nice James: I like that about you most of all Ava: If I wasn't conceited before 😂 James: you weren't, it's fine Ava: Well Ava: 🤏 Ava: but it is fine Ava: not not fine enough to warrant stopping you complimenting me James: you couldn't stop me, darling Ava: is that so? James: of course James: even if you made me speechless again, compliments don't have to be spoken Ava: 🤤 Ava: can we put that to the test James: give me a minute James: [a dramatic pause that's longer than either of them would like] Ava: James? James: okay, test me Ava: How though? James: how do you think you can 😶? Ava: Oh, that's easy Ava: I just need the help of a friend James: it's easy to give you compliments Ava: I know, that's why I've gotta go hard over here Ava: bear with James: take all the time you need Ava: I won't need that long Ava: don't like wasting time with you ever James: are you saying you think you've already lost? Ava: Um, no Ava: I'm saying it won't be long until you can see the finished product and be 😶 Ava: how rude of you 😏 James: then it couldn't possibly be a waste of time Ava: [sends him a video on the fake profile] Ava: might wanna turn your sound way down James: well, now I want to turn it up Ava: do so at your own risk Ava: I'm very much alone rn so I could be as loud as is necessary James: [sends her a pic so she knows how into that video he was because worth a thousand words] Ava: Now that is a compliment James: like I said, it's easy to be complimentary towards you Ava: I can see that 🤭 James: I need to see you James: why the fuck isn't it tomorrow yet? Ava: It's actually so unfair Ava: dunno if we can claim starcrossed but you know James: it'll feel less tragic once I get in the shower & can actually turn the volume up Ava: You're really gonna inspire a sequel that easily, huh James: a saga James: longer than Twilight Ava: would just about see us through 'til morning Ava: me @ brunch 🥴 James: I'm wide awake if you are Ava: Of course Ava: new challenge Ava: make you speechless and get you to 💤 pass out, like James: I'm not sure if it's an advantage or disadvantage that I haven't slept well for the last 6 years Ava: We'll work that out together Ava: but wait Ava: say night now so I don't miss it later James: it'll definitely prove helpful in the morning since we have a habit of leaving cups of coffee untouched when we're together James: Oh Ava, you're so sweet James: goodnight for later, my darling Ava: True Ava: and Edward is so jealous Ava: you can't help being more interesting Ava: or better at sweet talk James: we'll make everyone jealous, one day James: when you're my girlfriend Ava: I can't wait Ava: legitimately James: me either Ava: Did you have many girlfriends before Ava: or just do hookups James: I didn't have any girlfriends before Ava: suppose you didn't have much time, nah Ava: not for serious ones James: I didn't want a serious one in school & my parents absolutely didn't want me to have one either, for all the good that did Ava: Makes sense Ava: parents rarely get what they want though, like you said James: I was having too much fun not being serious about anything, until I wasn't any more Ava: That's a lot of people Ava: if there's a time for it James: that's everyone I knew then & a lot of different people I also know now Ava: Yeah, it is a bit like they typecast this entire area most of the time James: I'll make every attempt to avoid it when I set the scene in my novel Ava: like you said too, fun 'til it ain't Ava: I always leave before then James: I always did too, until I got to rehab & leaving was no longer an option James: kind of its unique selling point Ava: How long ago was that? James: it's been years Ava: What did you go in for, if you don't mind me asking James: do you remember that expensive drug habit I mentioned as being one of the only things I used to care about? it honestly was Ava: I was just worried you were meant to be sober Ava: 'cos that would've been really awkward Ava: that's amazing though Ava: well done James: I'm mostly sober but sometimes I fuck that up, which is awkward, you're right Ava: I'm sorry Ava: that night was totally my idea, I steamrolled you so hard James: it was my bad idea to get drunk, that's not your fault James: it's also not your fault that I did something I shouldn't to try & stop myself from doing something else that I'd convinced myself that I shouldn't James: because I'm well aware of how well that doesn't work Ava: Alright Ava: but I'll be more supportive now I know, for the record Ava: though I see your logic there, even if it didn't exactly go to plan James: it went according to an even better plan James: because here we are James: & I don't want to spoil your fun, Ava Ava: I can't even claim it as my plan, sadly Ava: 'cos I couldn't even imagine we'd get here Ava: and you won't, you don't Ava: there's more than one way to have fun Ava: every time I've met up with you has been fun and I was only drinking one of those times so safe to say it isn't required, like James: tomorrow won't be any different, I promise James: despite the fact my office has never been fun before Ava: yeah but I've never been there before Ava: obviously the issue James: the main issue, absolutely Ava: having your dad as a co-worker is probably a fair 2nd James: technically he's my boss & how often he likes to make that known is the 3rd Ava: ick Ava: 🙄 Ava: he's not getting in the book James: I'll put him in the acknowledgements for spurring me on in getting the chapters done quickly Ava: 😂 A subtle dig is the best kind James: 🖋 vs ⚔ Ava: your 🤓 brain is sexy James: I'll happily say again that everything about you is Ava: I'll be even happier when I can hear you actually say it tomorrow James: you can hear me say it now James: I'll bring you into the 🚿 with me Ava: I love you James: [okay we skipping to tomorrow for my evil cockblocking deeds] James: Teddy's here Ava: Oh Ava: to visit or put in hours? James: the latter apparently, which he has wisely decided to do when my dad isn't here to supervise him Ava: Well, good for him Ava: right, what's the plan then James: I'm gonna go get Matty, she might as well here too since you can't be James: maybe she'll annoy him enough that he'll leave earlier than he's currently planning to Ava: Cross my fingers, like Ava: she's pretty sweet overall though James: Teddy really doesn't like children though Ava: I can't imagine him interacting with one tbf Ava: keep me posted then, I guess James: he dropped Jay when she was a bit older than Matty, it can't have helped matters James: if nothing else I'll try & leave earlier than I actually need to when I go to pick her up James: it won't give us long but it's the best I can do Ava: Kids are made of sturdy stuff, if my fam has taught me anything Ava: bless him Ava: that's cool Ava: the girls were going on to the shops so I'll just join them James: okay Ava: can't be helped, can it James: not yet James: but I'm still sorry Ava: not your fault James: [sends her all the deets because he's booked her a massage since he can't give her one & she's now got loads of spare time, like ILY babe] Ava: You didn't have to do that Ava: but as far as 2nd best options go Ava: I've lucked out there, thank you James: I'm aware how frustrating all of this is, in every possible aspect of the word James: so hopefully this will help Ava: It is Ava: but you're worth it to me so I'm in if you are Ava: though probably warn me beforehand if it's that kind of massage, otherwise it could get awkward James: 😂 I have heard she's very good but I can't personally vouch for whether or not that's why she's as highly recommended as she is James: you'll have to let me know Ava: 😏 I'll let you know if your friends are shameless perverts or not, yeah James: thank you James: it would be useful information to have because both my parents have separately been there Ava: 😬 Ava: do you reckon that's ever happened Ava: having an affair with the same person by accident James: it must have at some point Ava: I mean, a thruple is the last resort of every middle-aged couple wanting to reignite things so give it a go James: thank god I'm not yet middle aged & my marriage is dead in the water James: it was strange enough when a friend made a pass at me at a party who I know had slept with her previously without seeking us it out Ava: as much as it pains me you aren't, babe Ava: she's not my type either sorry James: understandable, he wasn't mine Ava: you straight? James: shocking, I know Ava: Again, tragically not but I thought I better check 😉 James: as much as she'd probably love that to be the reason I want to leave her, it's not Ava: That cliche really is played out though James: agreed, it's not one of my preferred cliches Ava: Fine, fine, I WON'T sleep with the masseuse, you don't have to beg James: if you could not sleep with anyone else, regardless of their profession, that'd be a relief Ava: 'Course I won't Ava: I love you, there'd be no point James: I miss you so much Ava: I know, I miss you too Ava: not just because all my friends seem to have got new boyfriends at once that they all had to talk about James: two fake profiles would be a step too far, right? Ava: 🤏 just Ava: anyway, fake girl means nothing Ava: I don't wanna claim fake boy either, just you James: maybe you should come to the office & let Teddy see you, it would get everything out in the open Ava: I don't think you're ready for that, are you James: there is no way to ready myself for it though, is there? Ava: There's some ways Ava: even if you know your wife is obviously gonna be a nightmare regardless Ava: can ease everyone else in Ava: maybe mention you've met someone to him? see how he is with that first James: I don't really want to involve him to such a dramatic degree, yours is a much better idea Ava: Believe me, I wanna be there as much as you want me there Ava: but I don't wanna fuck it up James: me either, it's gotten so bad with her James: as bad as it's ever been Ava: What are you going to do? James: I don't know, I tried to leave when...after I left you & James: well, I'm still there, aren't I? Ava: It's really fucking complicated Ava: and that's an understatement Ava: it will probably be worse after, when you do leave Ava: but then, when she can't follow through with her threats, 'cos it's all bullshit, what can she do, you know what I mean James: she's said things that mean I can't risk leaving her alone with the children at all now James: not that I particularly did before but there were things I believed she'd do then & things I didn't actually Ava: You'd have to take them with you Ava: so that means you need to keep your place Ava: but I assume the chances of her leaving are slim to none Ava: unless Ava: hmm James: she's said she wants to go, start over, but that means nothing James: I know she'd refuse to just to spite me Ava: Appearance is everything with her, yeah? James: it is Ava: you need to do something that will make her leave then, feel like she's made the decision Ava: like if you were gay, something that she can't make go away on the socials James: we can't have a baby just so she'll fuck off Ava: No, I can't even have news of a fake baby getting back to my parents Ava: but seriously Ava: if we did out us, show people we were Ava: would she find a way to hack that or no? James: she'd find a way to destroy your entire life Ava: No she wouldn't Ava: she's doing that to yours, has been for too long James: she would, Ava James: she's done it before, to your sister, to any other girls she's found out about James: & I didn't even care about them the way I do about you Ava: What could she possibly say about me? Ava: I'm a homewrecker? If she wants everyone to know how unhappily married she is Ava: Everyone knows all about my weird family, I've dealt with that for years Ava: Anything she could say, I'd own up to or I'd prove wrong, she doesn't control my narrative James: even if you are right, she still controls mine James: my children's James: I'm not allowed to just take them, am I? She'll have me arrested or something Ava: Only mentally Ava: you can break that, you will Ava: 'cos she doesn't provide any finances, she doesn't look after the kids, what does she offer, like Ava: there is no hold over you but her mental one Ava: Your name is on their birth certificates too, you're as entitled to be with them Ava: anyway, you don't have to go anywhere, who owns your flat, like? James: my dad owns everything Ava: Yeah, your dad Ava: He's not going to put his grandkids out, even if he doesn't side with you Ava: and if it comes to it, he'll have to have you both out whilst you sort out the divorce Ava: there's no way she's automatically entitled to that flat, it isn't either of yours Ava: and she's not automatically entitled to the kids, especially with all the worrying things she's said, yeah James: but I'm not either, I'm an addict Ava: Recovered, literally went to rehab Ava: and let's be honest, half this town is on it to that degree but they're not owning up and calling it a problem Ava: you did that and you sorted it out James: what if they aren't actually mine? James: she's cheated as much as I have Ava: Oh, James Ava: I don't know Ava: you could find out Ava: if you were ready for that but Ava: I see the appeal of not knowing Ava: she probably does though, if she's thought to use it against you before, it's at least crossed her mind too James: as much as she's said it, I've never actually believed her James: but what if I find out that they aren't, it'll be the end, nothing else that we've just said would even have any relevance James: I can't lose them, Ava, I'd rather stay with her forever than let that happen Ava: Of course Ava: they're yours, you raised them Ava: does she Ava: stupid question but does she actually want them? James: no James: she told me she never did, either of them Ava: I don't Ava: as spiteful as she is Ava: would she keep two kids she doesn't love or want Ava: what about her parents, what do they think? James: they're both at their wits end Ava: They'd back you, then James: they know they can't back her James: too much has happened that her mum knows about Ava: If you have proof and people backing you that she's unfit to be the sole provider, then she'd have to sort out visitation and work with you Ava: and I can't see her bothering, if she means all she's said Ava: but Ava: I don't know Ava: it's scary James: if she knows it's you I'm with, I honestly couldn't guarantee anything with regards to what she would or wouldn't do James: her strange obsession with your siblings is something I've never quite understood Ava: None of this is about me, or my wellbeing Ava: I don't care, there's nothing she can do to me Ava: if that was all we were worried about I'd move myself in today but it ain't James: but what I'm saying is, she could go further than we're thinking she would with regards to the children because she doesn't want me to be happy with you specifically James: not just because she doesn't want me to be happy ever Ava: Okay, I get it Ava: So you'll either stay, forever Ava: or she'll take the kids and you'll have to battle in the courts to see them James: that's how it appears James: & if they aren't mine, she just takes them if I don't stay forever Ava: That's why if you do decide to leave Ava: you need to know that first James: I'm scared to know it Ava: That's understandable Ava: there's few things scarier that I can think of James: Matty wouldn't remember if I disappeared from her life now but Jay needs me Ava: You aren't going to just disappear Ava: whatever you decide, whatever happens, we won't let it be that James: can you forget everything I said about trying to be sober, please, I really need a drink James: lots of drinks actually Ava: Tell whoever you need to that you need to go home, okay Ava: then come meet me Ava: I shouldn't have started this conversation right now, I'm so sorry Ava: come be with me James: I can't, you've got a massage to get to & that's the least of what's expected of me James: not leaving Ava: Okay, have you got Matty? Ava: Because go do that then, spend some time with her James: I don't think I should, she'll pick up on how I feel & then nobody'll get any work done Ava: Alright, are you sure you want to stay, you'll be alright? James: I'll be fine Ava: I'll leave you to it then Ava: try to distract yourself, sure Teddy will help you James: I'll talk to you later Ava: Sure, no worries James: [later] James: I'm sorry Ava: I totally get it Ava: well, I don't, but I totally get that too Ava: I'm sorry as well James: everything is indescribably terrible Ava: Yeah Ava: it's bad James: I'm so sorry, Ava Ava: You don't have to say sorry to me Ava: I chose what I chose Ava: you didn't know what you were signing up for, how could you James: now you know what you're signing up for, if you don't want to be any more, I understand Ava: Don't say that James: I have to say it Ava: Now you have then but I'm ignoring you James: please don't Ava: I could never, you know how I feel Ava: that's not changing, it can't James: I know & you know I don't want it to Ava: I just wish there was something I could do Ava: to actually help James: you do help James: more than I can find words to express Ava: I'm not gonna bring it all up again but Ava: all I can think is we have two spare rooms at mine, alright Ava: if you ever need them James: what about your parents? Ava: I could talk to them Ava: and both rooms have bathrooms, and it's only me on that floor as well so the girls wouldn't have to feel like they've got to meet loads of new people James: but what could you possibly say? Ava: As much of the truth as they need to know Ava: Don't worry about that, they're easier to sort than any of the rest of this, yeah James: I'm fairly certain that'd be the whole truth & that wouldn't be easy Ava: They're big rooms, the girls could share or you could have one with Matty Ava: I'm saying, we don't have to say you could as easily share mine James: I wouldn't want someone as fucked up as me going out with either of my daughters Ava: You aren't Ava: it'll just be the age gap but they'll get over that Ava: anyway, the space is there, that's about all I've come up with since earlier James: thank you James: for even trying to come up with anything while I've just been James: again, I don't know what the word is, or could be Ava: You needed to stop Ava: as much as you ever can James: & now I need to see you but it can never just be that simple Ava: Does Jay have anything on tonight, like a club or a lesson or? James: ballet, so I have to stay because she hates it Ava: Fair enough Ava: Is lunch tomorrow an option or? James: I'll make sure it is Ava: Okay, I'll see you then Ava: could you do a phonecall during ballet, even for five minutes Ava: just so I can hear your voice, tell you all the things I wanna James: no promises Ava: of course James: aren't you glad you came back from holiday to all this Ava: I wasn't planning to stay there forever regardless Ava: you know how much I missed you Ava: still do James: tell me about it, or the massage, or your friends' boyfriends, anything that isn't the subject of my misery Ava: It was a good massage Ava: though the way my shoulders killed, you wouldn't think I'd just been on holiday Ava: you definitely need to try it yourself James: I'll book us in together next time Ava: That'll be perfect James: but before I do, did she try & seduce you? Ava: 😂 Ava: not enough to convince me I need to go back every fortnight 💔 James: did you not tell her I've got a best selling novel to write? Ava: Of course Ava: doing the hard sell on everyone for you, babe James: I appreciate it, very much Ava: I appreciate you Ava: What time will you be back, I'll uber eats you something for dinner Ava: you must be exhausted James: only if you order the same thing, it'll almost be like having dinner together Ava: You have the best ideas James: [a time that he'll be back] Ava: It's a date James: I'll dress up for you James: get out of these work clothes Ava: 😳 'scuse you Ava: warn me before you're gonna be that hot please James: if you were warned, you'd be less likely to 😳 Ava: I'll always blush for you Ava: like it or not James: you know how much I like it Ava: I seriously wish you were here Ava: such a waste of pink James: I wish you were here Ava: Gutted my ballet days are behind me James: she doesn't want to go, is there anywhere we actually could meet? Ava: With the kids? Ava: I hear that new soft play does a good coffee James: okay Ava: It's one place adults are actually encouraged to chat to each other so it won't be weird to Jay James: as soon as I tell her she doesn't have to put her tutu on, that's all she'll care about Ava: Bless her James: not to mention the bun, that's a war I'm happy to call a ceasefire on Ava: I'll put my hair down Ava: not trigger her 😂 James: just me then 😍 Ava: it's still a date, like Ava: got to keep you on your toes James: can we draw the line at a pirouette though please? I'm very tired Ava: alright, another time 😏 James: tomorrow maybe Ava: you'll feel up to it then? Ava: planning on a 💤 night of sleep James: you said the coffee's good James: if I actually manage to drink it, who knows Ava: Don't you know you're too big for the ball pit? James: that's an outrageous thing to say! after the day I've had, I couldn't deserve a ball pit more James: you've really devastated me there Ava: Okay, okay, I'm sorry Ava: sneaky hold my hand under the balls? Ava: please James: regardless of your apology, I'm gonna have to throw you in James: so yes Ava: 😱 Ava: now that's actually outrageous James: 😏 Ava: 😈 Ava: how you play James: with you Ava: so inappropriate to make me 😳 in soft play James: oh, so you want best behaviour? James: I can do that too Ava: No Ava: never said that Ava: I might like inappropriate James: I also think you might, let's find out Ava: 🥰 Ava: Let's James: Ava James: I seriously don't know what I would do without you James: no, that's wrong actually, I do. I'd be in such a state right now, really drunk or worse James: because it's not talking about it that's the problem James: we have to keep talking about it, okay? James: I have to figure out what I'm going to do Ava: I love you, James Ava: of course we can keep talking, I'm not going to leave you Ava: whatever you need means just that Ava: you will figure it out Ava: You will not lose them, okay, whatever that takes James: but what you need is just as important & if that's ever taking a step back, not talking about it or whatever else, do it Ava: Of course Ava: I will, I'll try James: good, I've already dragged you into this & I refuse to also drag you down Ava: You'll see how hard it is to do that in the ball pit James: 😂 Ava: Not without a fight, ever James: if they don't use that as the film tagline, such a waste Ava: They might want you as lead for that Ava: negotiations are ongoing James: you're the face, it's non-negotiable Ava: 🥺 I wanna kiss your face James: I want to press my lips against every single bit of your skin, all the time Ava: Oh James: there's never enough hours for everything I want to do with you Ava: Making up for all that lost time should be very, very good James: we're going to need days, weeks, months James: I want to give you that Ava: You can promise James: can I? Ava: Yeah Ava: we'll find a way, right? James: I promise you Ava: 💙 Ava: I promise you it'll get better James: of course, there's no crying in the ballpit Ava: not even when I beat you James: hypothetically not even then, but you won't so it's no problem Ava: 😏 that's fighting talk James: yes, it very much is Ava: Don't try to swoon your way to victory Ava: I'm definitely not that easy, nope James: I'm not Mr Darcy James: we can both do better than that James: that said, I am wearing a white shirt Ava: Shame there's not a good lake around James: but we should still go swimming some time Ava: Only if you pick the bikini Ava: tradition now James: of course, I'd hate to break tradition Ava: take you off the alumnus James: & then how would I meet girls Ava: 😲 Ava: Cheek James: that's all it is, I assure you Ava: not a threat then? James: no James: I'm not planning to lose you in the ball pit Ava: Good luck Ava: take more than a subtle hint to get rid of me, babe James: it'd be very bad luck Ava: 🍀 James: how soon can you be there? Ava: it isn't far, is it Ava: 15-20 minutes James: okay Ava: You better show up first so I can tell 'em I'm meeting you Ava: convincing a not-bothered 6-year-old I have an imaginary child is one thing Ava: reception will just be getting 🚨 James: I'll let you know when we do Ava: 👍 Ava: I'm looking forward to it Ava: even if it'll be odd to leave it at a kiss on the cheek James: & very odd for you & Jay to finally be in the same place Ava: Yeah, you sure you're alright with it? Ava: No doubt she'll totally blank me, who wouldn't when faced with the joy of soft play James: obviously it's far from ideal for me or you but Ava: I just wanna see you Ava: I'm fine with it James: I know I should probably care more but I swear, if this day ends without seeing you James: I will actually lose my mind Ava: We're not doing anything wrong Ava: you can't help it if random women talk to you at soft play Ava: have to keep you literally locked up to avoid that so James: It does happen a lot & yet I've so far avoided being chained to the wall Ava: Exactly Ava: not even anything noteworthy Ava: and I'm not gonna like Ava: overstep or be too much with either of the girls, you don't need to worry Ava: I wouldn't do that, or anything you weren't comfortable with James: I'm not worried about that James: I'd never have brought Matty over to your house if I thought it was going to make either of us feel uncomfortable Ava: 'Course Ava: you're a good dad James: but if you do feel anything close to it, with Jay or with anything, just tell me Ava: I will Ava: You're doing this well, you know James: I'm trying to Ava: And if she ever says, you know Ava: she doesn't like me or whatever Ava: then you can tell me and we won't meet when you have to be with them Ava: take it slower Ava: I know it would make it harder but I know they come first and I'm totally cool with that James: you're doing this really well too Ava: I hope so Ava: it's new territory for both of us, all of us Ava: we'll work this out too James: I trust you, Ava Ava: Thank you Ava: you can Ava: I'm not gonna let you down James: but you can, like you said, we're all just trying to get better at being people, aren't we Ava: Yeah, okay Ava: Too cocky? Ava: I'll try really, really hard not to let you down, but no promises Ava: How's that? James: I don't want you to think that me thinking you're perfect means you have to be James: 😇 & 😈 remember, mistakes are what rewrites exist for & I already made mine in trying to let you go James: you're allowed to get it wrong too Ava: I just really don't want to hurt you James: I don't want to hurt you either Ava: as long as we know that, even if we do by accident or whatever Ava: that's better, isn't it Ava: than me leaving you alone James: anything would be better than that James: but yes, especially if we know what we want & don't want James: I'd let you hurt me over & over again if it meant you didn't leave but I know that isn't what you want Ava: Never ever Ava: even thinking about it is making me hurt James: so we're not going to let it happen even hypothetically Ava: only fun hypotheticals James: like the traffic not being horrendous so I get to soft play before the children start a riot James: because we're finally ready to go Ava: That's so hypothetical it borders on a pipe dream but maybe the universe will play fair after the day you've had 🙏🤞 James: so much so that I'm hypothetically considering walking Ava: how many hypothetical stops would you have to make 'cos she wants to look at something or pick something up she shouldn't Ava: Frank can make a ten minute walk take a good thirty, easy James: enough that I could hypothetically catch my breath after all the cigarette breaks I've had today & I might not hypothetically pass out Ava: Just thinking of your health, clearly James: I should quit, again Ava: How long did you manage? James: which time? Ava: 😏 most successful time then James: 6 months maybe Ava: Not to be sniffed at Ava: longer than I've gone and I'm a shameless 'social' smoker as if that's alright James: how long have you managed? Ava: However long between whenever I've been offered one Ava: I've not tried really James: do you want me to not offer you any? Ava: Sounds like you need to catch your breath Ava: take that as you will James: okay Ava: 😊 Ava: Tell me when I need to leave James: [a long enough pause] James: you can leave now, if you'd like Ava: On my way Ava: how strict is your sweet policy? James: arguably not as strict as it should be, but I don't share that hypothetical opinion Ava: I'll stop in the shop on the way Ava: now, do I guess and see how my choice rates or do I cheat and ask you what the faves are Ava: 🤔 James: you heard me say I trust you, right? Ava: Okay, I got this James: I believe it & in you, darling Ava: 😍 you could say that again Ava: if you liked James: I've got no end of faith in you, Ava Ava: Ugh, bye Ava: I've melted James: what I'm hearing is that I'm going to have to pour you into the ball pit? Ava: If you can pick me up off the floor, yes Ava: also what I'm hearing is you want a treat too, noted James: of course I'll pick you up Ava: Actually trying to kill me Ava: I'm trying to walk, like James: if I could carry you over the threshold of this soft play centre, I would Ava: Babe 😩 James: not the time nor the place, understood Ava: Sadly not James: when the filmmaker takes certain liberties with the source material, we'll attempt it then Ava: Directors cut, yeah James: yes Ava: right, 'scuse me whilst I focus Ava: 🍭🍫🍬 important decisions to be made James: you're sweeter than any of it Ava: James James: sorry, you need to concentrate 😶 Ava: 😈 you Ava: but 😇 at the same time Ava: how do you do it? James: how do you? Ava: Touche Ava: maybe we're a good match James: I think we are Ava: What a coincidence Ava: Me too James: 🍀 Ava: [do we wanna end it here and just work out how it goes?] James: [yeah we can do] Ava: [I'm saying she went animal-themed and got her like percy pigs and an animal bar and the animal biscuits etc and got Matty some rusks or something soz baby snacks aren't as fun and then got him some candy cigarettes] James: [we all know that'd go down amazingly well done babe & I'm saying the baby made the loudest sound when she saw her again like oh hey girl] Ava: [that would be so cute] James: [we all know they already like each other] Ava: [lbr you haven't got any competition in Chloe, all you need to do is not be a massive bitch] James: [mhhmmm I'm also saying he let Jay decide what she wanted to wear because she deserves that thank you] Ava: [when you're busy living your best life so I assume you'll be alright even if you're like hello stranger?] James: [she'd be in such a good mood thankfully] Ava: [we all deserve this to be a moment, lads] James: [even if it can't be as much of a moment as you'd both like, keep it sneaky lads] Ava: [🐍[ James: [the self control required after the day they've had and how highkey their emotions are rn] Ava: [truly, at least no adults are there to pick up on what is way more than the vibe] James: [the receptionist been knew but who's she telling] Ava: [lmao imagine the amount of people conducting sneaky affairs she stay in her lane] James: [I bet they would cos their kids could not be more distracted] Ava: [its perfect tbh] James: [100% am throwing her in the ballpit excuse us children] Ava: [must be done] James: [let him be young goddamn it, he was robbed] Ava: [be young and have fun] James: [Jau just talking about soft play constantly for the foreseeable but Chloe none the wiser lol] Ava: [gonna steal your kids and your man 'cos you don't want 'em James: [they gotta come back because not only is it a great cover it'd be a really swag soft play like better than the one Louise always goes to even because posh people] Ava: [remember on scummymummies they said that one did booze lol they've got so fancy] James: [you're missing out Chlo, soz not soz] Ava: [literally no one is soz, not even your baby] James: [the baby should have her tort with her because feels] Ava: [awh yas] James: [no other kids steal it thank you] Ava: [baby fight lmao] James: [I hope not because the mum would be so judgey cos he's young & Ava's even younger] James: [not sorry we all serving looks & living our best lives at this soft play] Ava: [no one shall bring them down rn or I'll brawl] James: [but I do hope Jay's hair is the messiest it's ever been because fuck you chloe] Ava: [i always wonder what chloe is actually doing 'cos like, nothing ever is the tea] James: [truly how much shopping can you do girl] Ava: [waiting for your fairytale in your sham of a life, like] James: [ooh Ava should do something with Jay's hair that she actually likes cos maybe she's getting annoyed at it while she's trying to play & live her best life and James is like pikachu meme what is this witchcraft but she thinks he's like 😧 how dare you for the hottest of secs] Ava: [a mood just like lowkey how dare you but also how teach me lmao] James: [just falling more in love with the bae by the second over here] Ava: [queen of understated and simple shoutout to your mother for that one] James: [yas I've always loved that about Bea] Ava: [the levels of fuss Chloe is is not a mood for anyone] James: [one of many reasons Jay hates you babe] Ava: [those poor kids she ends up having like rip] James: [I hope she only dresses James now when they are going out because lord] Ava: [poor boy not a mood] James: [especially now you got the hottest bae ever] Ava: [nothing you can do to cockblock this honey] James: [she should obvs find the fake profile like immediately though] Ava: [we can do that next] James: [& if she messages it Ava will be able to see what she's like] Ava: [the delight that is, okay letgo]

[abbie651382]

[AFTER BREAKDOWN PIC]

Posting this here to remind of the time I broke down because I felt like the pressure on me was already too much.

Days before this breakdown, my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I used to be an achiever, you know? Up until today, I think there are still a number of people who believe in me. But, that's where my problem comes in. I feel like people are expecting too much from me.

Two days ago, I handed in my resignation letter to one of the organizations I belong in. But the head wouldn't accept it. He instead negotiated that I take a leave and come back whenever I can. That bugged me, you know? Was I really worth keeping?

Then yesterday happened. My boyfriend asked for my assistance with one of his dogs, but I was of no help at all. He did got angry with me because of that, but he didn't lash out on me. I just knew.

I guess that incident was what unlocked the floodgate of emotions I was holding in. A wave of memories came to me. "You're useless" - that's what my inner self was telling me.

I realized I wasn't really smart. I just put all my effort in studying my lessons when I was younger. But, what good was that? I knew different theories, but I was lacking in practicality. I wished I focused on other more important areas of life.

I'm a fast learner on theoretical lessons, you know? But I'm slow when it comes to their application. And I think most people do not realize the difference between the two. I've always felt as if people assume that I know everything just because I grew up as an honor student, and graduated at the country's top university. So whenever I ask people how to do this and that, they'd be surprised and most of the time I get smart-shamed. But part of myself was also telling me that maybe it's also my fault. I've always wanted to look put-together, and I have always locked my emotions in. I rarely ask for help, because I never wanted to become a bother. So maybe, it's my own fault for projecting myself that way.

Despite my self-esteem hitting rock bottom, there's still a part of myself who's praising the current me. I used to be afraid of dogs, you know? I couldn't pet nor hold them before. But, a year ago, my boyfriend was given a puppy. That puppy became my bestfriend who encouraged me to conquer my fear of dogs.

Two years ago, I was too afraid to cook. I had a phobia for sharp objects and the kitchen had lots of those. Plus, I was also afraid of oil splashes when frying. But, after getting a boyfriend who was a good cook, I decided to finally learn conquering those fears. Now, I could fry eggs, hotdogs, and even make my own sisig.

Four years ago, I was afraid to talk to strangers one-on-one. Even if I was smart, I avoided tutoring as a part-time job because I thought I would never be an effective teacher. But, four years ago, a colleague offered me a Writing job. Writing was one of my passion so I thought, "Why not?" I was able to teach a lot of strangers who were older than me. That's how I financed myself until I graduated from college. That's how I developed my communication skills.

These things may seem laughable to many. 19 years old but cannot strike a conversation to a stranger? 21 but still cannot make a decent meal? 22 but still cannot hold a dog? But, there is a part of myself telling me that I have come a long way. It took so long, but at least I am not giving up. And that's how I ended up taking this picture. Because although I seem useless, at least I am making small steps to become more useful in the future.

Hang in there, Abbie!