#will never take anything she says to heart ever again after i literally developed an ed at fucking 14 bc of her

[thursdayg1rl]

accidentally actually losing weight after my aunt called me fat instead of eating more out of spite...... kms

[i-like-writing-stuff]

the other five [ five hargreeves x reader ]

request: Hello! This is my first time desperately requesting a fic because the new season is SO bad 😭 Can you write a fic where the reader finds out about everything that happened between Five & Lila and then she gets taken away by one of the Fives at the deli and promising her that he’ll treat her better than OG Five (You can also add a part where OG Five finds out about this and lives to regret it)

a/n: AU where everything in that trash season was the same, except when five made the first jump in s1 he made it in his 32 yr old body bc i will not have y/n pull a zach justice (lmao)

even if lila did 😭😭

anyways basically everyone is the same age

i like to think of the five that comforts y/n as the five that explained everything to five in the last episode because that one literally felt like the five we were supposed to get, the five that was there all the first three seasons

sorry i cant stop trashing this season you guys 😭 i’m just so disappointed

summary: after breaking up with five, you make up with… well, five

part two

“Leave me alone, Five!” You yelled in despair, pushing the man before you away, “Actually, first take me back home, you psycho! I have nothing to say to you!”

“Y/N, please, just hear me out!” Five tried to reason with you, as if anything he would say could make your heart glue itself back.

You were standing in the subway station after Five had blinked himself and you away from the family- or what was left of it, watching him at loss of words. You didn’t recognize the man before your eyes, as much as you tried. You didn’t even have time to gather all your thoughts since there was yet another impending apocalypse on its way, so your mind was completely all over the place.

Five Hargreeves was not the same Five Hargreeves you fell in love with all those years ago. He was not the same man who had stolen your heart and made you feel like you were the most precious person in the world. He wasn’t your partner anymore, he wasn’t your lover. Your boyfriend wasn’t there. You looked at this person and there was a stranger, acting as if he was the same who had hugged you, held your hand, kissed you all those many times. You were questioning everything about him now.

“Take me back!” You yelled again, ignoring his same pleas, curling your hand in a fist, “I’m this fucking close to making you ash!”

As your pure anger got the best of you, you were ready to let your powers take over for a second. Obviously you weren’t actually going to hurt him, no matter how much you wanted him to feel your pain, at least physically.

You met him six years ago, during the first time you tried to stop the apocalypse. You were also one of the extraordinary kids, but luckily enough, Reginald Hargreeves didn’t manage to adopt you- more so, purchase you. You only met Five not long after he managed to time travel back to his family in 2019 after spending all those decades by himself. Before you knew it, you were dragged into the Hargreeves family and your relationship soon after developed.

Your six year relationship that was so merry a few hours ago. Now it was crumbled, trashed.

What hurt was that it was six years only to you. Five managed to block himself seven years away from you, only in the presence of Lila.

“This is so fucking stupid,” You scoffed, fighting back the tears in your eyes, “It’s fucking over! Do you want me to spell it out for you?!”

“I want you to listen!” Five didn’t give up on arguing, “I thought I’d never see you again!”

“You didn’t want to see me again!” You screamed, wailing your hands in the air, “Fucking save it- It’s over! I don’t want to ever see you again if we survive this apocalypse! You ruined our relationship, you ruined your brother’s marriage, family! For fucking Lila!”

You hated him absolutely. The mere thought of his infidelity, of the nerve to act as if he still loved you, it was all despicable.

You grew to love all of your boyfriend’s siblings, and also your nieces and nephews, even if you and Five were not yet married. You planned to be a part of the family officially, but still wanted to focus on your careers, you wanted to adjust yourself to your old life, back to your origins.

“Y/N, please!” He tried to step, towards you, but you started stepping away.

Thoughtlessly, because of all your anger, you just walked towards the first train approaching you, fully intending to be away from him at whatever cost.

“If you don’t want to take me back, I’ll fucking find my own way!” You hopped onto the train, watching as he tried to catch up with you.

But he was too late.

In hindsight, maybe it was not the smartest idea, but you were just so devastated nothing made sense to you anymore. You spent the past six years thinking that you are set for the rest of your life, now that the world wasn’t ending anymore. You reconnected with your family, you built a career for yourself and were living happily with Five, you had literally just finished settling yourself in the new house you bought together. You couldn’t understand how he could do this to you.

You couldn’t understand how Lila could betray your friendship either, especially Diego and their kids.

You tried to make it make sense, be reasonable- it was only a few hours to you, but they were lost in this subway system for seven years.

But then again, Five was lost in the future 45 years by himself and he didn’t give up on trying to return to his family once.

Now he did, he gave up on trying to return to you.

That’s definitely another aspect that stung.

“Fucking piece of shit,” You mumbled, as the train approached its first station, “How do I fucking get out of here?”

You stumbled out of the sub, taking in your surroundings. It was yet another crumbled down station, but if you were to be at least a tiny bit fair, it was maybe a bit better kept. You looked around curiously, trying to figure out where to go from now on. Your fire-based superpowers were totally useless in this situation, so you hated to admit that you were in a bit of a pickle.

You rolled your eyes, as Five rounded the corner and stopped in his tracks, watching you with widened eyes.

“You again?” You sighed angrily, “Take me back or get out of my sight, Five.”

Five raised his brows, putting his hands in his pockets curiously. He didn’t say a word yet, as a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. He slowly stepped towards you, not taking his eyes off you once. For a split second, you stopped as well, sending that something was up.

You took in his features, trying to make sense of what was going on, realizing that he didn’t have a coat on him. He was wearing the exact three piece suit an black tie, he was wearing the same silver watch on his left hand, but he didn’t have his coat on.

“Y/N,” He smiled, stopping in front of you, “I never thought I’d see you again, more so here.”

“What the fuck is going on?” You calmly asked, over-analyzing the man before you.

His smile didn’t drop. It was a genuine one, a smile you hadn’t seen in a while. Things between you and Five were okay a few hours ago, but he hadn’t watched you with this look since you first met. His eyes were sincere, taking in every single feature of yours, traveling all over your body.

“I take it your Five danced the devil’s tango with Lila,” He sighed deeply, raising a hand to gently brush away your tears.

When did you even start crying?

Your mind was scrambled all over the place, but at that exact moment you couldn’t say another word. You just melted into his touch, feeling warmth. It really hadn’t been that long since Five touched you, but this touch felt different. His hand rested on your cheek, as his thumb caressed you lightly. His touch was so intoxicatingly sweet, sending shivers down your spine.

“I’m so sorry I’m a literal shitface in some other timelines,” He lightly shook his head, “I’m so sorry.”

“What is going on?” You asked once again, calmer this time.

For whatever reason, you relaxed in an instant. You couldn’t tell if it was because of his gentle touch or simply his presence. Ironic, since just ten minutes ago you were ready to set him on fire.

“Come with me, my love,” Five said, grabbing your hand in his, “I’ll explain everything.”

You didn’t fight his touch, locking your fingers with his. None of you said a word, as you watched you hands fit so perfectly in one another. How could your relationship be over when you were so good together?

You followed Five through the subway station, rounding the same corner he appeared from. You watched as he turned his head to give you a reassuring smile, lightly squeezing your hand in comfort.

After a few more steps and going down a couple of stairs, you widened your eyes seeing a literal deli tucked away in this godforsaken out of order subway system. The headlights above the front entrance were lit up, writing Max’s Delicatessen. You saw inside a huddle of people as you entered, gathering everyone’s attention.

When they all turned to look at you, you literally couldn’t tell whether you or the huddle of people was more shocked.

They were all Fives.

There was music playing inside, as the deli was full of different versions of your boyfriend, whether they were customers sitting at the tables, drinking coffee or having a meal, reading the newspaper or having a chat. There were also other Fives working around, waiting tables or cooking in the back.

Nonetheless, they all stopped to look at you.

“Yeah, yeah, Y/N is here, carry on, you guys,” The Five that was holding your hand waved the others off with his free hand, “She needs a moment, stop being creeps.”

“I can’t tell if this is a dream come true or my worst nightmare,” You said, looking around the deli, as Five guided you towards an empty booth.

You sat down as the other picked up again whatever they were doing, still watching you with the corner of their eyes. Five took a seat in front of you, still holding onto your hand on top of the table, using his other hand to rub small circles on your skin.

“I am not the Five that dragged you here, in case you didn’t tell yet,” Five managed to say, “But I’m pretty sure that you did, since I know you’re smarter than he gives you credit for.”

“He did mention that this subway system is the knot to multiple timelines,” You sighed, as Waiter Five set down two cups of steaming coffee on the table.

You watched him curiously, as he looked yet again exactly like Five, wearing just a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, with a black tie, pantsuit pants and a server apron around the waist. He smiled at you warmly, setting down two small packs of sugar and a creamer.

“I’m sorry, my love, we don’t have any Irish Capuccinos around here, since you’re the first Y/N to set foot in here,” He apologetically smiled, “I can only get you a shot of whiskey, if you’d like.”

Of course they all knew your favorite coffee.

“Make it a bottle,” You said, cracking a smile for the first time, causing him to chuckle, before walking away to attend to your order.

“I can’t begin to explain how much I missed your smile, darling,” The Five before you said, as you turned back to him, “The Handler got to the Y/N in my timeline,” He added, as sadness took over his eyes, “I missed you so much.”

“I can’t understand how you’re the same Five that fell in love with Lila,” You said, before quickly adding, “I mean- technically, you’re not, but still.”

“Everyone around here is a different version of me, from a different timeline,” He said, “I’m one of the many that didn’t go down that road.”

“Thank you, I guess,” You laughed, making him smile again.

What a sweet smile it was.

“When I lost you, I was a total wreck,” He confessed, as you couldn’t help but place your other hand on top of his, “I love you so much, Y/N, I could never hurt you like that no matter what. This is all such a fucked up turn of events, but when I saw you coming out of that train, my mind froze.”

“I love you too, Five,” You said, “But I need to wrap my head around what is going on- Everything is insane, I mean I’m right now in the middle of yet another apocalypse, I just found out that you love Lila and there’s just so fucking many of you.”

“I know, my love, I know,” Five nodded, “I wouldn’t dare to ask you accept everything so fast, I know it’s a lot to take in.”

“Can you just… hold me?” You asked, watching as he didn’t waste another second and got up to slide ne t yo you in the booth.

Wrapping one arm around your shoulders to pull you into his chest, he used his other one to caress your hair. You nuzzled your face into his shirt, taking in his scent, as you felt a wave of certitude wash over you. Five held you tightly into his arms, embracing you after years of your absence. He was grateful to have you in his arms once again.

And he was not about to let go anytime soon.

“I’ll always hold you, my love,” Five muttered, peppering small kisses in your hair.

The Five from your timeline watched from behind the window as you took comfort in his arms, but not exactly his arms.

This was only the beginning of his lifelong regret.

[paopaupaus]

part 8 of the Buddie Development Rant

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10

S4:E4 9-1-1, What’s your grievance?

i’m sorry but the scene where Buck is punching the punching bag and Eddie is right beside it is kindaaa…

S4:E5 Buck begins

One thing that i can take away from Eddie and Buck’s interactions, especially in this episode, is that they understand each other like no one else. Eddie tells Buck that he knew why he had to go into that fire, and something in his eyes makes me think that Buck felt like he didn’t have to explain anything to Eddie

S4:E6 Jinxed

bonus: did anyone notice all the women checking out Buck at 13:56 😂

and then Buck looking angry/confused when eddie said he had a date with Anna

S4:E7 There Goes the Neighborhood

why did Buck have to go on a date with the most annoying woman ever, i think it was weird timing with Eddie starting to date again.

And then they decide to keep her as Albert’s gf, but all of her traits are gone now? i felt like they introduced an anarchist and pessimist and then she starts dating Albert and it all goes away? plot device smh

S4:E8 Breaking Point

Buck babysitting Christopher while Eddie’s out on his date :”) and when he’s home Buck asks how did the date go and Eddie tells him “she taught me math” and he wasn’t lying??

S4:E12 Treasure Hunt

Eddie heard treasure hunt and immediately told buck we’d make a good team :) it was cute seeing them running around trying to find it, although Eddie did look sad when he found out Buck had already partnered with Taylor :(

S4:E13 Suspicion

Carla talks to Eddie and tells him that he needs to listen to his heart and not only to what Christopher needs.

At the end of the episode Eddie is shot, right in front of Buck, the world literally stopped and they looked into each other’s eyes. 😭 then when they are both on the ground Eddie reaches out with his hand to Buck. and it is said that Oliver (Buck’s actor) got their silouette tattooed after filming :”)

S4:E14 Survivors

ooohh my god. following the gunshot Buck pulls Eddie out of the middle of the streets and then carries him to get him in the truck (hot? 😃) in the truck Buck is tending to Eddie (is it a bad time to say that i love how Buck’s voice gets all high and pitchy when he’s freaked out?)

Buck “hey hey i got you, hey just… you just stay with me okay?” looking into his eyes 😭✋

Eddie “are you hurt?” (cause Buck was covered in his blood) honey you’re bleeding how can you focus on Buck (no but also let’s never forget Eddie is a BAMF who also pulled out a convoy from open fire in the war)

Buck “i need you to hang on” x2

Buck is COMPLETELY out of it shaking so much, but still all he wants to do is go with Christopher and be with him.

when he gets the news that Eddie is out of surgery he breaks down crying. guys idk about you but this doesn’t seem like simply just a friendship.

Anna calls Buck to tell him that Eddie woke up, first of all he makes sure Eddie makes a facetime call with Christopher.

Eddie “appreciate you staying with him”

Buck thought Chris should stay somewhere he knew, because carla offered to take him to her house.

Eddie “you were there for him when i couldn’t, that’s what matters.”

i love these two together, they aren’t just a bromance, they jumped straight to functional family.

Eddie babytrapped Bick, he made him Christopher’s godfather 😭 also i don’t see the big deal? a lot of people have said that it was wrong for Eddie to do that but Buck would 100% be up for the job and he already has a village that could help

“no one will ever fight as hard for my son as you”

i think this is the first time Eddie calls him Evan and it is so cute 😩

“because 😒 Evan 🙄 you came in here the other day and you said you thought it would have been better if it had been you who was shot😠”

with this we finish season 4 🫶 i’m glad i got addicted to this show because there’s so much contect and i love every single character, hope you have a great day/night and feel free to comment so we can chat!

[pfffsfic]

Post-Fall Falls False Starts- Chapter 9: Double-O-Vision

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

"So, you said it's a small town, right?"

Rob stared up at the clouds from his vantage point on the ground. Last night, he had woken up screaming after several consecutive night terrors. Sarah was enthusiastic about the chance that he was being haunted after she was awoken by the first scream, but the second and third were more frustrating to her than anything. Eventually, Rob had managed to lift his pillow-shaped rock and had taken it to the small waterfall not too far from camp so that he wouldn't be able to accidentally wake her up anymore. Sarah didn't have the heart to tell him that he was so loud he had done so a few more times anyways.

The repeated bouts of laying awake in the darkness had given both of them plenty of time to come up with their own game plans for the day.

"Right," replied Sarah, nodding.

"But you said there's a shopping mall here."

"To be fair, it's not a super huge one."

"Who builds a shopping mall in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere?"

"Look, the show didn't get into the history of local real estate development, okay?"

He let out a sigh and rolled over onto his side. Despite the sunlight, sleep seemed ready to claim him at any moment, but every time his eyelid started to fall, an image from one of the nightmares popped into his head, and suddenly he was wide awake and energetic again.

"I guess we'll have the rest of our lives to figure it out," he said.

"The rest of our lives? What's that supposed to mean?"

Rob's mind was racing, and not just because of the sleep deprivation. Did she not realize that-

"We're not going back to Elmore," he said.

She sat up and turned to him- he wasn't looking, but he could tell by the sound effects and ominous music cue. She laughed nervously.

"Sure we are!"

"Oh yeah? Well, tell me how you plan to get us back, then." He crossed his arms and curled his knees up to his chest.

"Via the Awesome Store."

"What, do you have his number?"

"No, but if he comes back-"

"If he comes back, there's no way he's gonna stumble on us by chance! Besides, why on earth would he even look for us?"

"I think there's at least one reason," Sarah said, and then promptly changed the subject. "Anyways, you have an electronics store to rob, Rob! Have you ever robbed anyone before? 'Cause, you know, your name, and all?"

"Rob's a common name."

"I know! But if this is your first time robbing someone-"

"It's not."

"Oh. All the better! As I was saying, you have an electronics store to- ahem- steal from. Thankfully, there's a whole TV display in the front window, so it shouldn't be an issue. No need to even go inside! Just, wham!" she mimed smashing a plane of glass with a crowbar- "Break in, get it, get out."

"You said I also need a generator. And something to put the DVD into."

"Oh yeah. Well, hopefully once you break in everybody inside will either run screaming or pass out and then you don't have to worry about dealing with them."

"What if they call the cops?"

"They probably won't because you're so freaky-looking, and if they do, you could take those guys with one hand behind your back. As long as you're immune to getting tased."

"...I'm not!"

"No?"

"What gave you the idea I was?"

"Hmm. That's a good question, actually. I guess I just figured you were some sort of cyborg."

"A cyborg? I don't even look anything like a-" he groaned- "Never mind. So you're saying the cops will tase me? Why can't you come help me do this? You're sort of throwing me to the wolves here!"

"They're not wolves, they're people. We're literally in the middle of the forest right now. I bet there are wolves everywhere! One could be behind you and you wouldn't even know it! Maybe even mutant wolves, or wolves that have their heads on backwards and speak in code, or- you get the idea. Any one of those could be behind you."

Rob scoffed dismissively but rolled onto his back nonetheless.

"If you get arrested," Sarah continued, "you can just dig your way out with a spoon."

"Where am I getting a spoon from?"

"Good point."

After a long and awkward stretch of silence, Rob said 'welp', slapped his knee, flinched at the pain, mentally beat himself up for flinching at his own slap, flinched at the pain from mentally beating himself up, and stormed out of the forest in a huff when he realized he had to take action to avoid an infinite loop. Sarah followed him to the edge of the trees to hand him his crowbar like a concerned mother whose son forgot his lunch box on the first day of school. He didn't thank her. Five minutes into town, he realized he never got an answer to the question of why Sarah was making him do this alone, but it was too late to go back. Not really- he had all day- but it was the principle of the thing. Had he dwelled on that thought for longer, maybe he would have realized it didn't make any sense, but he was too occupied with finding the shopping mall to do that. It couldn't be too hard; after all, this was a small town!

-

Sarah read through the back cover of her DVD yet again. It was significantly less fun than rewatching the show.

Just a few minutes south of Rob's campsite was another clearing where the mud was soft and a big stick was propped against a rock; Sarah had made this place her canvas. The apocalypse had allowed her to tap into her destructive instincts, which she had discovered were almost as potent as her creative ones and just as enjoyable to use, but that didn't mean she could go a day without at least doodling something or having an elaborate daydream. The thing about drawing in the dirt with a stick was that the final product never quite looked good enough.

She drew a little heart on the ground with her finger and put an S in it, for Sarah. Just as she was about to complete it with two more initials, she glanced over at the dozen or so other identical hearts she had drawn recently, and wondered for a moment if she was perhaps getting in a rut. What if the van never returned and she was stuck here and she never got to see their faces ever again and she forgot what they looked like? On one hand, that could totally be a setup for, like, a heartbreaking reunion plot. On the other, it could be the end, assuming this was a tragedy. Was it even possible to forget them? She remembered every detail... right now. But brains were fallible. Would love protect her, or would it be a moral about how love never truly protects anyone from the inevitable marching forth of time? She sighed. Sarah was used to sighing for theatrical purposes, but now there was nobody to fool except herself. 'I am just that committed', she thought, and that cheered her up a bit- so much so that she never even considered that the negative emotions behind the sigh could have been real.

Part of her felt guilty for wasting time. She hadn't come here for the trees and occasional monsters, she had come here for the people, and also demons. Mostly demons- actually, mostly demon, singular. But that didn't mean the idea of interacting with some of the others didn't excite her. She couldn't just barge into their lives, though! She wasn't human! That had never ever mattered before.

'At least it won't matter once I'm back in Elmore', she thought.

'We're not going back to Elmore', said Rob in her head.

"Oh, Rob," she said, rolling her eyes, smiling half-heartedly, and speaking out loud to someone who wasn't there. Nobody answered. There weren't even any monsters listening in? C'mon.

Sarah leaned back, closed her eyes, and counted sheep versions of her friends and classmates until the world fell away and she began to dream.

-

By what was either a normal consequence of life in a small town or some arcane miracle, Rob had arrived in front of the television display without seeing hide or hair of a single local human. That said, he had been looking down at his feet for most of the walk there, so maybe there had been some around.

Standing in front of the display case with the TVs made everything feel so real. Rob knew that it wasn't, of course, and yet some days that seemed like a distant, irrelevant fact. This was one of those days. He knew that bashing the glass in was his purpose at the moment, and yet it was so peaceful that doing so seemed a shame, even though reality was nothing more than a simulacrum created for the amusement of a media-hungry modern audience and none of it really mattered anyway because the heat death of the universe would someday render fiction entirely irrelevant. When that day came, would he die, or would he not even know that it happened? Sheesh...

He blinked and found that his head had slumped forward against the glass in the time that it took for him to think all of that. Boy, was he tired. He could lay down right here and- no!

He gave the glass a hard whack with the crowbar before he had the mental presence to stop himself. It bounced off with a clang that rang out like a tuning fork. Oh no- he'd need to do it again? He did it again, weaker this time, and the glass still didn't break. This was more difficult than anticipated. If someone saw this, they would laugh at him... no, wait, they'd probably call the cops. And then he'd get tased-

With a frustrated grunt, he swung harder and the glass splintered.

All it took was a light additional tap for the fruits of his mission to be fully exposed, and then he reached through the hole in the glass to grab one and three facts immediately set in, stymieing the evil, triumphant laugh in his throat before it could come out of his mouth:

1. The TVs were heavy,

2. He still needed to fetch a DVD player, a remote, and a generator,

3. There were people in the store-

4. And those people were looking at him!

As he took one frozen step back, he met the left eye of the silent, awed clerk behind the counter and thought, 'they're more scared of me than I am of them'. He had to believe that for this to work. He had to. With all the confidence he could muster, he shoved his anxiety deep down inside, stepped through the broken glass, maneuvered around the stack of TVs, left the display case, and put up finger guns at the clerk as if he was robbing a bank.

"This is a hold-up," he said, and it sounded cooler in his head. The clerk's hands went up. "Everybody on the floor!"

The two other customers in the store cowered behind a rack of phone chargers, one of them slumping down. The clerk promptly passed out. Either way, everybody was on the floor. Then, to Rob's horror, one of the customers- the one who hadn't slumped over- produced a cell phone from his pocket. Rob stepped towards him and aimed his 'guns' in the terrified man's face. The phone came on, and...

"Oh no, my battery's dead!" said the man as a red 'charge' symbol appeared on the screen.

Rob sighed in relief- and then both he and the man noticed the rack of phone chargers. Rob stepped forward, prepared to take the phone and crush it if need be, when the man's face fell once again.

"Wait, looks like they don't have anything that fits my old model."

Rob shook his head, feeling less like an intimidating bank robber and more like the world's luckiest petty thief.

"Uh, I suggest you pass out, man," Rob said, rubbing his own arm.

The guy obliged. Well, he tried to look like he was passed out, at least, but that was good enough.

It only took a few minutes to get a TV, an emergency generator (from the back), and a DVD player, load them onto a wheeled storage cart, and get out of Dodge with time to spare before the two genuinely-unconscious people woke up. That had been surprisingly easy! An unsettling feeling that he was being watched crept over him as he made his away from the electronics store, but it dissipated after just a few minutes of walking. Surely just another effect of the sleep deprivation. How many effects did sleep deprivation have, anyway?

-

Sarah took a sip of her milkshake. It didn't taste like anything, but that was fine since this was a dream. It was a dream, right? Okay, yeah, there was some sort of sky whale floating nearby and she was sitting on a giant toadstool in the middle of the mall. It was definitely a dream. But not a nightmare- not the sort of dream that would be thrust upon you as a punishment by a malevolent entity with an ulterior motive. This was the sort of dream she had most nights.

"He's not here," she mused, looking up into the eyes of her date, who looked at different moments like different boys she knew, most often two of them in particular.

"But I'm here, sweetie," he said, and tried to lean in for a kiss, but he turned to soapy water and spilled all over the floor before he could make contact with her. That was slightly weird, but not 'wake up screaming' weird. She got up and wandered through the dreamscape, feeling like a paper doll in a pool full of molasses as her legs refused to move any faster than slow motion.

"Hello?" she called. "You there? You know who you are."

No response. Sarah balled up her fists, puffed out her cheeks, and pinched herself hard on the arm, waking up in her art clearing with a disappointed sigh. It was then that she heard the sound of footsteps and the squeaking of wheels and decided that either this was Rob or some kind of half-wagon half-humanoid monster. Either way, she had to see for herself!

-

When the generator was running and the TV on, Sarah moved a rock in front of the eye of providence she had carved into the tree trunk. Rob found that strange. Whatever this DVD was, Sarah didn't want Bill to see it, which seemed rather counter-intuitive considering her entire goal here.

The two of them had dug a little ditch to sit in for ease of viewing. Sarah reached for the DVD enthusiastically, but her smile dropped off her face when she saw Rob, asleep, sprawled over in the ditch. She reached for his shoulder. He screamed so loud that she fell backwards.

"Another nightmare?" she asked.

"Yeah. This one had lots of stabbing." He let out a noise that sounded somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "Thanks for w-w-waking me up! I think I would have s-shh-screamed in my sleep and kept on going if you hadn't."

His voice had a new wavering quality to it, not quite a stutter but something close.

"Okay, you don't seem ready for a 17-hour binge session..."

He suddenly seemed awake. "17 hours? What the heck is on this DVD of yours?"

Sarah held up the box. Her usual cheery demeanor had mostly faded. Rob read aloud.

"Gravity Falls, the complete series," he said, and then did a double-take. "Gravity Falls the complete series? You have this? Where'd you get it?"

"The Awesome Store."

"Yeah, that sounds about right," said Rob, recalling the VHS tape he had once purchased from the forsaken red van. "But why didn't you tell me? Why would you want to keep this information to yourself? That's-! that's-!"

"Calm down! It's because- ergh. This is gonna sound super skeevy, but it's because I know that after you see what's on there, you're gonna say something like-"

-

"You're telling me you want to mess with that guy? On purpose? That you think of this as some g-game?"

Rob's blood boiled. He wiped his eye, which was wet, probably from the 17 hours of television (interspersed with the occasional bad dream). It didn't help that he had gotten emotional once or twice.

"WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Before Sarah could respond, he had stumbled backwards and fallen unconscious once again.

[espresseo-cafe]

life is still beautiful | johnny | ch.6

genre: cappucino, romance, angst, university!au, dad!au, drama, slice of life

pairing: collegestudent!johnny x fem!reader

bean count: 6.8k

warnings: mentions of past traumas, mental health anxieties, breakups and etc.

a/n: it’s quite a long chapter, so take breaks in between if you can ☕️ happy reading! note: this is only a work of fiction, it doesn’t reflect the artists’ personalities in any way.

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never had you ever thought you’d feel something like this again. separation anxiety was also a trait you’ve come to develop at a young age. a pinch ticked your heart when you saw your best friend packing her luggage. it reminded you of the very thing your dad had done in the past.

he mentioned vaguely that he was leaving because of a living nightmare. this was different, yoohyeon was leaving to pursue her dreams. a total different reason.

she pouted at you, feeling sorry to be leaving you behind but she knew you’d still push her to go even if you’d become lonely.

“don’t pout at me like that, or i’ll cry for real now.”

she hugged you tightly, pressing her cheek into yours. “i know ‘cause what will you do without me? but don’t worry, you’ll be okay.”

you don’t know how to thank the heavens that you’ve met someone like her, yoohyeon was literally the sunshine to your withering flower. she was someone who always had your back, someone to listen to your frustrations and aspirations, and most importantly she was a long lost sister you’ve dreaded to have. she felt like family more than anyone else.

“will i?” you blurted out sadly, mirroring the pout she did a few seconds ago.

“of course. you’ve come a long way. and i’m proud with the progress you made.” her eyes smiled and it was contagious, “both physically and mentally.”

blinking your eyes to avoid waterworks, you popped your lips and held her luggage. it was time. “shall we go? eiffel tower’s waiting for you.”

she nodded and you went out of your dorms. as you reached downstairs, minhyun was already there with his car and johnny was with him- the latter’s car parked just behind minhyun’s- said he needed to return the yoohyeon’s blanket he borrowed for youngmin. you looked at her with a raised brow. “don’t be surprised y/n, i know there’s something going on between you two. sneaky lil puppy.”

your heartbeat spiked up, she figured out the crush you had for johnny and you haven’t even told her yet. “i don’t-”

“it’s obvious. i think everyone knows.” she teased, then looking to minhyun. “my ride’s here so i’ll go on first. take care of yourself y/n, promise me that.” the tightness of her hands on your shoulders showed that she meant what she said.

“yeah, you too.” you hugged her and rubbed her back, “don’t have too much fun with the french.”

“the only french i’m kissing is minhyun.” she winked at you, you shrieked and hit her arm for her implication so early in the morning.

you playfully shooed her away and minhyun started the car. johnny stood there silently and waved as well, remembering the favour yoohyeon asked him to do last week:

“can you do me a favour?” yoohyeon asked.

johnny put down the hammer, interested to what she had to say. “yeah sure, ask away.”

yoohyeon curled her tongue, sighing. “you know how i’m going to paris next thursday?”

“mhm. wait it’s next week already?” johnny’s eyes widened, “so you won’t be at youngmin’s birthday?”

she nodded, making johnny’s face turn sour and she knew it was just a playful thing he usually did. handing him a big box wrapped in green, she explained it was for the growing boy and to let him know she’s sorry for it. “the favour i ask of is about y/n.”johnny didn’t say anything, letting her continue.

“while i’m in paris, i need you to look after her. i realised she trusts you, other than me of course.” she hugged her arms, “it’s rare to see her open up her personality to someone else.”

johnny held in a smile, “we haven’t gone there yet.. you know opening up. you see she owes me a proper date, as friends.” he clarified. “apparently we got a ‘no secrets rule’ until a couple of dates.”

yoohyeon punched him, “ahuh, so you both are in the ‘going out on dates but still testing the waters’ stage. well, if that’s the case, take her out on the day i leave. she loves nature, so maybe you could come up with something.”

the guy nodded and gave a thumbs up, yoohyeon sighed a relief. she knew she could trust johnny, and of course she had something to gossip with yeri about. after all, their ship is starting to sail and they were one of the ones to remove the rope from the hook.

“also, bring these all the time.” she shuffled in her bag, seemingly getting something important. “she forgets these, you know, just in case.”

it was an inhaler for asthma and some pills for medication. yoohyeon’s lips pressed together told johnny that this was more than important. it was a road to recovery, confirming the conversation he didn’t want to eavesdrop two months ago.

“how severe is it?” he dared to ask, holding the items tightly on his hand.

“just pray it doesn’t get worse. she’s been through a lot. i’m sure you’ll know about it soon.” she patted his back, “thank you in advance, johnny.”

“yeah, no problem.” he assured her. “i’ll do what i can.”

the side profile of yours that he observed this morning revealed to him how resilient and strong, yet broken and vulnerable you were. a spark in him told him he needed to protect you. he wanted to, it was for the present and the future you, to heal from the past you tried your best to run away from.

he looked up, taking in the cool breeze before the sun rose up high. it was seven in the morning and he didn’t have anything special planned for the day since youngmin’s birthday was all set for saturday. setting his sight on vehicle he brought then back to you who was stretching at this point, he placed his hands in the pockets of his sweats, saying:

“this is a perfect day and time for a long morning drive. wanna come with?”

you twisted your back from side to side, the domino cracking relieving the tension of your spine. looking up at the sky, you seconded johnny’s suggestion, “sounds great but i haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

johnny hummed, turning around to talk to you properly. “we can go to a drive thru on the way. i know of a good spot where we can do sightseeing.”

your mood was lifted and did a little hop, “okay i’ll go get ready.”

the guy stopped you by gently pulling your wrist, making you look at him before you could go back up to your dorms. “no need, just wear that.”

looking at his large hand that wrapped your wrist, you got nervous for the sudden skin contact. how was he so smooth with making your heart skip a beat? and you quickly realised he could be feeling the gradual speed of the giddy heartbeat at that area, so you squinted your eyes at him for his fishy action as a cover-up.

“johnny,” you sighed, “.. i’m wearing pajamas.”

johnny took his eyes off of you and scanned your clothes. it was just a crop top t-shirt and a light pink coloured sweatpants. “i think it’s alright, we kinda match. after all, someone owes me a date.” he winked at you and held your wrist once again.

“i thought we weren’t counting anymore?” you laughed, following him to the car that was parked across the dorm building. thank goodness you brought your phone and house keys.

“i know but i remembered.” he opened the door, letting you in before he moved on to the driver’s seat.

glancing around the car, it was at the line between old and new. not that you were judging, it just somehow felt right. johnny started the engine, reversing the vehicle. his hand touched the headrest of your seat as he looked back.

it made your heart beat stupidly once again, it was so manly and attractive that you wanted it to stay that way. you stared at him when he drove towards the main road, even more so when he drove with one hand. ah, that was where you hitched a breath.

johnny felt the stare you gave and he found it hilarious. he peeked at you at a side eye and chuckled, taking this chance to tease you again. “what are you staring so intently at? the view’s perfect in front of you?”

��please, you want me to refer to yourself, johnny. i know where you’re getting at.” you echoed his chuckle and he just did so louder.

“no i’m talking about the view in front of us.” he nodded at road.

streaks of sunbeam that peeked along the trees made your clothes twinkle, sparkle even. looking at the said view, a small pull on the corners of your mouth made johnny stare at you this time. you were already beautiful in his eyes and the sunrays made you glow as you looked through the front.

his eyes trailed to your facial features and just a like a movie, the slow smile that appeared on your face got him all hooked on you. the way small wrinkles creased at the sides of your eyes and the way you closed them as if you took in the vitamins for some energy was hypnotising.

she’s so.. beautiful. he reminded himself.

his eyes found themselves staring longer than he thought, licking his lips and focused on driving. then bringing up his all time favourite coldplay playlist to suppress the intensive thoughts of you to the back of his mind.

your ears perked up at the familiar song, “hm, this is my favourite one, it calms me down.” turning the dial to volume up the music.

she likes coldplay.

johnny’s heart picked up its speed and he was probably close to being jittery and excited. the smile he contained on the inside finally made its way out. opening the car’s roof, it became brighter and he hoped the sun’s brightness covered his expression.

you gasped at the view by your side, the opened scenery of a beach below was stunning as you and johnny rode through the highway. the breezy wind flowing through your hair and as you inhaled its freshness, you’ve never felt this happy for a long time.

“nice ride you got here.” stretching your arms up high as if you were swimming on air. “i feel free.”

he gasped at you, “we’ve been driving for more than twenty minutes and you just noticed?” johnny laughed heartily, “i’m hurt. bosco’s hurt.”

your mind processed the information you just got. you let out a loud cackle, covering your mouth to not embarrass yourself. “your car’s called bosco?”

johnny’s ears turned red and pulled a face, “well technically it’s my parents’ car-“

“wait.. so this is not your car?” you gestured the car with your hands laughed even harder. johnny bit the insides of his mouth, feeling shy that he didn’t have a car of his own, yet laughing it off because it was true.

“i don’t have the means to buy one. i got a child to raise and put food on the table.” he turned right to a nearby gas station, “speaking of food, you must be hungry. let’s get brunch on the go, but we need to fuel up first.”

“you just can’t handle my attacks.” you nodded.

johnny was right. he had to work double for himself and youngmin. and that made you feel so much appreciation for the guy. when he got off the vehicle to fill in the gasoline, you couldn’t shake off the thought of youngmin’s mother.

who was she? why was she absent the whole time? how could she leave the two boys who was meant to be her whole world, alone?

she probably had her reasons, yet you were so curious to find out. you’re very nosy aren’t you? johnny’s voice echoed in your head, prompting you to slap your head for thinking way too deep in it.

as you did that, your phone dropped by your foot so you bent down to get it, meanwhile hitting your head on the glove compartment. it opened fully by the time you sat back up- the looseness of it confirming the car was quite old- revealing an a5 sized photocard of a younger johnny with a baby youngmin.

the sight of it was adorable, how johnny carried the infant in his arms as he fed him with a milk bottle. the handwritten caption saying ‘suh youngmin with mom and dad’ was heartwarming but what caught your attention was the girl seated beside him. she was probably the mother, but she was facing away from the camera that you couldn’t make out who she was.

you didn’t realise how long who were staring at the photo until johnny came out of the store after payment, making you put the photo back and closing the compartment, hoping it doesn’t open any time soon.

“okay now that’s all set, let’s go?” johnny fastened his seatbelt and starting the engine. “i’m starving.”

“brunch it is.” you awkwardly said, still looking at the compartment.

johnny drove through a fast food chain that had a pre-lunch option, then leading you both back on the road, not forgetting to bring you to a spot that overlooked the city. as the car came to a stop at the scenic viewpoint, johnny closed the roof and turned off the engine. you got out and the overview fusion of nature and cityscape in the morning gave you a gushing feeling of inner peace.

he took the ordered food, his footsteps scraping against the ground. the sound fading away from you, he called out. “y/n! i got a spot up top. it’s better up there.” gesturing for you to follow him.

it was a little spot at a mini veranda where a table and two chairs placed perfectly across each other, as if it were waiting for you both. the wind was relaxing, cooling off the heat you both had from climbing up a few steps just to get to up here.

and once again, he was right. it was so much better up here than below. coming here was such a good idea, and johnny was good at pleasing people by taking this route. so you both started eating in silence for a bit when your mind came back on the topic of youngmin’s mother.

you hated yourself for being this nosy. but curiosity got the best of you. what would johnny think? he probably was still in the process of moving on and it was a sensitive topic to bring up.

he caught you staring at him again and licked his lips before talking, “like what you see? i think that you might prefer me over the view out there.”

you threw a ball of tissue at him, “and if i say yes how would you react?”

“flattered ‘cause you might feel that way and confused ‘cause you probably lied based on this tissue you just threw.” he joked, playfully throwing it back to you. “but really, is there something you wanted to ask?”

you didn’t respond straight away, still trying to put the right words together to form a proper question. johnny took his time to wait for you, munching away until you shuffled and put your food down.

“i’ve been wondering for a while, and i hope this doesn’t weird you out or put you in a tight spot.” you locked your fingers together.

“hm? i’m okay, you can ask.” he smiled a little, still eating his food then drinking his cup of coffee.

breathing out a nervous puff, here goes nothing. “does youngmin.. still sees his mom?”johnny slightly dropped his cutlery and it wasn’t hard to miss this small reaction, then wiping his mouth with tissue. you panicked, looking at him and regretted what you asked. this was a bad idea. “sorry, that was unnecessary. i shouldn’t have asked-”

“no, it’s okay.” he smiled small, clearing away the empty containers. once settled, he thought it was the right time to open up. after all, you’ve been friends for a while now. “youngmin hadn’t seen his mom since the breakup. he sometimes still looks for her though.”

he shifted on his seat before he spoke again, “my ex was kim minji. i call her mj for short, while others call her jiu. we dated months before high school graduation and we called it quits six months ago.”

“that must’ve been hard to deal with.” you said, fiddling with your fingers. “how are you coping up?”

johnny shook his head, “still needs some getting used to. when youngmin arrived, we stuck together like superglue. she loved youngmin a lot but a year later she wasn’t acting like herself. she changed and i was trying my best to figure it out and talk to her about it.”

you had a feeling where this was going. “she avoided it and ghosted you and went with another guy?”

he looked at you, surprised at how you got that on point. “that’s right. wow, you actually hit the mark. i’m guessing you have a theory what happened next?”

you held your chin and thought for a moment, “maybe.. she fell out of love? you said she changed and you don’t know why.” you stretched, crossing your arms and continued to give a penny for your thoughts.

“don’t get this wrong, but maybe.. you didn’t spend much time with her just the two of you because all of the focus was on youngmin. you both interchange in looking after the child, got busy, and when you do have the time, you both were too tired to spend time alone. ‘cause you know, juggling between school, part-time, and housework could take a toll on both of you. then it became straining in the end.”

johnny just stared at you. even if you heard it only once, you seemed to have figured it out. and as for him; a psychology student, should’ve seen things from another perspective. after all, minji was a girl, like you. and hearing that made him feel shameful because his pride as a guy took over. he should’ve heard her out.

but how will neglecting responsibilities speak about her? how would it show an impression to others as someone who looks after a baby? it didn’t make any sense and he hoped they actually talked about it. however, he recalled the break up conversation, minji didn’t bother communicating with him at all even if he tried. that was why he was still bothered to this day and it still pained his heart.

“you’re probably right, y/n.”

he then looked at you, who had an innocent face yet spoke as if you lived way longer than him. it led him to want to know more about you, “again, i’m so amazed at how you analysed that in a short time.”

“that’s because it hits so close to home.” you spoke with assurance. “it’s all too familiar.”

johnny’s heart ached when he heard that. once again he felt shameful because how could he missed that? someone who spoke of experience saw things differently. you were a person who probably had more to face and what he had experienced was close to nothing compared what you did.

the gaze he held onto you got you relaxed a little bit, he was curious now. “my parents got married for the sake of it.. not for love. it was an arranged marriage from both parties.”

the boy sat forward with a confused look, “but, they had you. they must’ve loved each other at one point.”

you smiled bitterly, yet it was a sad one. “i’d like to think of it that way. but what was the point of having me and raising me if they didn’t actually love each other?”

“if not to each other, then they loved you.” johnny suggested, and he saw how it made your eyes water a bit. “they’re co-parenting for you.”

“i never felt it.” you pressed your lips, “they argued a lot for as long as i could remember, scolded me for the littlest things. then i had to face anxiety hearing their raised voices. i didn’t eat as much as well because i thought about it a lot.”

johnny didn’t want to jump to conclusions, however that wasn’t so true on your part that he thought otherwise. you said you were immune to it, but the tone in your voice hinted you longed for love from your parents.

he wanted to hug you right now, but he held himself back. you probably just needed someone to talk to, a hug right now would be weird. he was worried he might make you feel weird if he did so.

“things will be better. it may not be for now but for the future. sometimes parents think they’re right, even if they’re in the wrong. in some way, you’d still need to have a conversation with them; heart to heart, so you could voice out how you feel. can i ask something though?” he asked cautiously, you tilted your head in response.

“yeah sure, let’s hear it.” you drank from your bottle of water.

johnny had something in mind, he hoped he was wrong about it but with the way you talked about your parents, something was missing. sure, they argued almost 24/7 and it greatly affected you.

“did you do something.. that made them act the way they did back at the carnival?”

your chest ached. johnny pinpointed something you’ve never shared to anyone. it was buried deep, far back at the archives of your mind, never to be brought out to be checked.

johnny was a psychology major, and he knew better at discussions like these. he acted like a librarian looking for a lost book, a book with information that needed to be studied.

what if you wanted it to be found? what if this information was okay for this librarian to read? will he get anything beneficial from it? it was risky, but you knew you couldn’t keep it in for a long time. and if there was anyone you’d share this to, it would clearly be him.

he gave you time to talk, it was a sensitive issue after all. he was given a hint while you were talking, your hand kept holding your left arm since the beginning. was it a habit? or was a trauma that was deadly?

“it happened a month into uni, after i had left home. had to attend a funeral of a hotel’s shareholder and apparently saw them there. the greeting was same as the carnival, interrogated me.”

johnny shook his head, taking in that your remark towards your mom was normal.

“all of a sudden they started arguing. i tried to stop them because they were causing a scene. they just pushed me away and told me not to butt in. i was so hurt that i told them angrily that i wished i was never born. so i left, thought i could escape the reality that my supposed home was a violent storm.” your hand caressed your arm.

“i remember it was a rainy evening with thunderstorms and lightning, it didn’t help though. it mirrored the same situation back at home.”

johnny’s face darkened, his hunch was right.

“so i ran..” you said shakily, placing your hands on the table. “i kept running to find brighter skies and silence, screaming in pain and crying.. i focused so much on that that i thought i already found it.” you exhaled a deep breath, “unfortunately i found myself laying on a hospital bed, was told i got hit by a vehicle, ended up fracturing my whole arm.”

“y/n..” he leaned closer, and you noticed his eyes softened upon hearing that. he held your hands because you were shaking. “i’m so sorry.”

“don’t be, i’m actually glad i got it out of me. i feel so much better. my arm still has a metal rod in it so i could move easier.�� chin pointing to your arm. and now that johnny looked back, he just realised that you carry youngmin using your right while patted him with your left hand.

“still.” he sighed, “it’s very brave of you. thank you, i’m glad you told me.”

“no thank you, for listening.” you told him, then your eyes lit up, “ah! it’ll be our secret, okay?” you smiled, eyes finding your hands on his.

johnny saw your eyes trail on where his hands were, slowly letting go so you won’t find him making a move on you. “you bet, i also learned something today.”

“which is?”

“that your heartbeat was so evident on your wrist.” he said, and your face heated up. did he figure it out? “must’ve been nerve-wrecking to share that.”

you mentally sighed, safe. “y-yeah. it’s been two years since that happened.”

johnny stood up and dusted his clothes, prompting you to do the same. “and here’s to more years on holding on to hope, to overcome.”

“yeah i hope so too. a lot has happened which is also why i don’t like driving, arguments, rainy nights. gosh i have a lot of hurdles to pass.”

marching down the veranda towards the viewpoint, you and johnny thought it would be nice to walk around the beach to burn the calories from your brunch meal. you looked up to the sky and you felt alive with the sun. funny how the beach was completely empty at this time. so you wanted to speedwalk and savour the moment.

the guy who took you here felt grateful he did what he did. it somehow helped him face the topic he completely avoided. johnny was even more so that he got to share it with you. even though his friends knew about it, knowing he could trust someone else made him feel at ease.

taking out his film camera, it was a part of him to automatically snap a photo of something memorable. because he was quite weak in recalling, he wanted this to be recorded so that he could look back into it, in case he forgets.

“don’t tell me you’re going to keep those from me. don’t be a creep.” you teased, johnny adjusting the film once more, saying that he wouldn’t keep any secrets from you now. you smiled back at him as you stretched your arms, gasping loudly when you spotted the distant horizon. you called out to johnny, “the ocean’s sparkling! isn’t it beautiful!?”

he smiled, and he looked through the viewfinder, seeing you pointing at the sparkles that seemingly made your day so easily.

“yeah, beautiful.”

—

rowoon exited the bathroom of his apartment, drying off excess water from his hair. he casually walked around his home with nothing but a towel and home slippers. not noticing his dad’s assistant sitting by the sofa, coughing intentionally to get his attention.

that startled the boy and he nearly slipped on the way to the kitchen, a habit of his to immediately eat after a long session in the shower. “oh shoot- i didn’t know you were here, junho.”

“ha, i didn’t know you danced like that. it doesn’t suit you.” he smirked, then frowning a bit. “and that’s junho hyung, quit the casual talking.”

the boy opened a pack of potato fries he managed to find on the pantry, munching on the saltiness he craved for to ease his tastebuds. “what are you doing here, anyway?”

“i got the stuff you asked for.” junho scuffled through his shoulder bag, giving him a file. “you’re safe for now from the court. you know you’re giving your dad a hard time with all of the freakshows you do.”

rowoon looked at the older guy with annoyance in his face, “and so? i’m having a fun time. let me enjoy my youth for once.”

“for once, my ass. you’ve been in and out of the police station so many times.” he complained, “please look after your reputation, young man.”

rowoon chuckled sarcastically, “chill, hyung. i got it all under control.”

junho rolled his eyes. even though he grew up with the boy, rowoon got on his nerves most of the time that he should’ve popped a vessel by now. “if you think you need to get your father’s attention by doing those, i think he got the message loud and clear.”

“beats me, doesn’t hurt to pick me up from the station at least.” he took the file, opening and revising it.

this time junho sarcastically chuckled, “what are you, nine? you’ll be cashing your dad’s money because he spends it on your bails instead of your college tuitions, don’t waste your future and talents like this.”

“it’s fine, he’s the head doctor of the university hospital’s surgical department anyway, college tuitions are easy for me.” he smirked then eyed junho from top to bottom and back to the top. “tell me the information you have.”

junho briefly raised his brows, taking another file from his bag. “that car accident you got somehow got involved in three years ago? the police are still investigating.”

“well that’s bad news and ruined my day all in one go. don’t worry, i’ll do something about it.” rowoon proudly crossed just arms. “oh and the girl’s alive by the way. alive and well.”

junho took off his glasses to clean them using the ends of his suit, “you’ve seen her?”

“you bet i did, she’s matured and bloomed. also saw a familiar face i haven’t seen in a while.” still eating on the fries as if it were a big feast to celebrate on.

“johnny suh?”

“in the flesh.”

——

unsaid words, unspokened feelings, unexpected encounters, undeserved. that was how johnny felt today after spending time together with you. he hadn’t felt this in a long tome, where he could be himself other than his family and friends.

he actually thought of reaching out to minji at one time, but he was having a dilemma if he should. was it worth it? he wasn’t too sure. he also looked back to the app he had on his phone, loveclick. he hadn’t touch that app for a while and put it behind, deciding it was useless.

you came out of the convenience store, holding two ice cream cones, and he saw the joy you had just by eating it. it was evident that you were having a good time. johnny had an idea and he felt stupid for not bringing it up. but his phone broke when he clumsily dropped it on the ground earlier and could never turn it back on. “let’s take a selfie, i realised we haven’t even taken one.”

you licked your lips, “cool, how many?”

it took about five minutes to take a decent one on johnny’s end because he kept saying that he didn’t look good in any of the shots. so you took a selfie instead, and spending the rest of the day walking around nature.

“shall we head back? it’s currently 6pm and it’ll take us about four hours to return to the city.” johnny asked, peeking at his watch and threw away his soft drink to the bin before you made your way back up to the car.

“okay.” you said, thankfully you didn’t have any part time or classes the following day, so getting back wasn’t a problem.

going back in the vehicle again, you fastened the seatbelt and settled your position comfortably. playing with your phone for a bit, johnny started the engine and drove down the scenic viewpoint. a few metres out the main road, the car slowly made a stop before suddenly shutting down.

that made you two look at each other worriedly. johnny tried to start the engine again, only to make a loud kickstart noise then stopping abruptly. he let out a curse in a whisper, “i can’t seem to start bosco, i’ll check go and check the battery and oil.”

he wiped his forehead with his arm, it was getting stuffy since the weather was really hot. johnny excused himself by taking his shirt off to wipe off the sweat building up, going out to open the hood.

as he did that, you mentally got mad at yourself for unintentionally staring.. because the last time you saw him shirtless was at the camp two months ago. just why is he smoking hot? “i’m not looking i’m not looking i’m not looking, i’m looking respectfully.”

“y/n! look at this!” he called out before going to the window next to you.

“i’m not looking!” you exclaimed, covering your eyes as you looked away from him.

“what do you mean?” he squinted his eyes, wiping his sweat once again, “come look at the hood! it’s smoking.”

oh.

you did as he said and saw the hood smoking out black: it meant engine failure. “the engine’s busted. can you fix it?”

johnny stared at you and gave you a side eye as if you asked the stupidest question ever, “i’m a 24/7 single dad i don’t officially own a car let alone have the knowledge to fix one so you’re asking the wrong person.”

you just laughed at it, facepalming yourself. “oh right my bad, papa bear.”you put your sleeves until it reached your shoulders and proudly told him “then you’ll be glad you have me.”

“oh you can do that?” he raised his brows in surprise, actually impressed with that revelation. “like fix the car?”

“no i mean by having me meant that you have an extra phone to use to call a tow truck.” you bit your lower lip, still smiling at the plan b.

“then what was the pulling up of the sleeves for?”

“it’s hot, duh.” you snorted. johnny actually thought you’d able to and it made you laugh harder, earning a pinch on the face. you tapped on the screen, smile fading when you found out your phone battery was 1% before shutting down. “oh s-.”

johnny’s smile also faded. “what?”

“my phone’s dead.” you turned to him. “got a charger or powerbank?”

“i don’t have any on me-”

rattles of summer rain heard in the distance, gradually becoming louder. it didn’t take long for your clothes (and johnny’s muscular body, again you’ve been avoiding eye contact), to be dampened by rain that was obviously going to be heavy.

“can this day get any worse? damn it!” johnny shouted, getting frustrated when he put his t-shirt back on.

you covered your view with your arm and chills went down your spine. you realised it was raining, and your anxieties spiked up. but you didn’t want to make johnny worry, so you put out your arm to hitch for a ride. the car had to stop in the middle of an empty road, with only a few to little of cars driving pass by.

johnny and yourself have been standing for a good minute, which felt like forever in this situation, when a tow truck fortunately drove by. johnny ran to stop the truck. the man eyeing him down when he got off his vehicle.

“well what are you kids doin’ here?” he took a good look at the brokened down car behind you both, “ah! this car needs some fixin’!” then facing to johnny, “young man, if you need to take your girl out on a long drive, you might’ve had it checked first before goin’ out. this car’s close to junk!”

you snickered a laugh and johnny got startled a little bit, smiling, “it’s technically my parents’ car-“

“oh yes it’s his parents’ car!” you told the old man, still holding your arm to your head. johnny pulled a face at you, holding you into headlock playfully.

“keep your mouth shut, you chatterbox.” he embarrassingly said but giggled while you apologised.

the old man looked up, “you guys don’t seem from around ‘ere. thankfully we’re close by a car mechanic who could fix your car and a motel for you to wait. though it’ll take hours for it to get the job done.” pointing to the car. “so you youngin’s should crash in and stay the night. the forecast predicted it’ll be raining heavy ‘til mornin’.”

you nodded, eyes squinted at him, “that’ll be great sir. thank you.”

“sorry kiddos, we’re fully booked tonight.” the old lady by the counter blatantly said while chewing gum, staring at the two in front of her who were completely drenched in pouring rain.

johnny approached the counter, “ma’am, we need a place to stay for the night. we’ll leave first thing tomorrow.”

the old lady grumbled a little, “did ‘ya even hear me? no. more. rooms. available.”

johnny formed his fist into a ball, his blood spiking up on how rude this old lady was. you didn’t miss this and decided to ask another way. “ma’am, if there aren’t any rooms left for single beds. is there any chance for booking a room with two twin beds?”

the old lady tipped her glasses back in place, “there should be one room left, beautiful lady.” she typed on her computer, and johnny scoffed at the contrast, “ah yes, we do have. i can book you here. okay! one couple suite for the night!” she said while getting the key for the room.

“couple suite-” you both said,

“he’s not my boyfri-”

“she’s not my girlf-”

“y’all want to sleep outside instead?” she frowned, pointing to the heavy rain just behind the door. “it’s free.”

johnny clicked his tongue, “why you-”

you immediately prevented johnny from dampening the counter any more by holding his body back with your arm, “we’ll take it! the couple suite.” you faked a laugh, giving her cash, took the keys from her and pushing johnny away from the reception.

both of you exited the elevator and you were so amused by his attitude earlier. “what’s with that, johnny?”

“she was so rude, and i asked nicely.” johnny laid his arms out in confusion, he shook his head and sprinkled his hair. “right?”

you just crossed your arms, “give it a break, she’s an old lady.”

“yeah and she feels so entitled, damn.” he sighed, walking towards the suite.

opening the door, you and johnny sighed as you both saw the king sized double bed. the air instantly changed and it made it awkward when two bathroom robes were laid in front of you.

“i-i’ll go for a shower first,” you stuttered, going to the bathroom immediately, taking the robe before closing the door behind you. holding your chest, this scenario wasn’t happening at all. slapping your face to keep it real, you started to shower.

johnny on the other hand, found an extra towel in the car. he wiped his hair and dried his body a bit to prevent it from being too cold. his ears picked up the tapping of fallen shower droplets, and he didn’t want to focus on that.

he turned the television on, he guided the remote control to flip through the channels, stopping momentarily on a love scene and immediately changing it to a weather forecast.

he remembered what taeyong had told him; and was relieved that he did, not wanting to jump to that. he had to keep his goal, befriending you was priority.

“stop.” he mumbled to himself. he then heard a knock, opening the door for the knocker.

“here’s a little welcoming gift from our staff to you.” the lady smiled at him before handing him a box, bowing her head then taking her leave.

johnny opened the box, expecting snacks as the packaging was a bento box. his eyes caught on something that made him let out a little noise. he didn’t even notice you were finished showering and was standing behind him. “what are you holding?”

“agh!” he closed the box, shouting louder and that made you mirror him as well, holding your arms close to you.

“what the hell?” you said, catching your breath. “why’d you do that for? oh- is that food?”

“room service.” he nervously chuckled, eyeing other things. “i ordered for myself so you can order your own too. i’ll go shower.”

he sprinted to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. his ears were really red at this point. opening the box, he took the item and flushed it down the toilet. “what the hell were the staff thinking?” after he finished showering, he spotted you eating food from room service, all comfortable on the bed.

in the end he decided to sleep on the sofa and he hoped he’d be able to get through the night.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

taglist: @titanmaknae29 @joepomonerof @lovesuhng @studyingthemind @cheyehc @kyeomooniee @geysuuuuh

[havikshoochiemama]

My Star Wars Acolyte rant >:(

This shit is not proofread LMAO it’s 5 am i’m mad leave me alone just me being the hater that i am 🤭

I originally wasn’t gonna talk about the Acolyte because clearly the show was just another emotionally immature shitty Disney cash grab with horribly written characters BUT DUDE i keep seeing ads and stuff on my tumblr NONSTOP and i’m actually sick of it .. most of you guys saw one Tumblr Sexyman and just went ham with that…We as a fandom need to stand up because Disney doesn’t care about star wars imma keep it a buck they just want to make their next mcu and they just greenlighting anything at this point

“oh but i like Andor” yeah that’s like what ever 10 shows they make they make one good one that’s not good 😭… anyways like i was saying they are literally pulling shit out their ass they are getting shit from the star wars legends that’s it’s own universe and putting it in…like excuse me ??? those books don’t follow the events of the movie so why would your show that allegedly takes place before the movies (I said allegedly because writers can’t even get characters ages right ) also i’m talking about that bs w the helmet that stops lightsabers… apparently it’s called cortosis from legends never once mentioned in any of the movies (i’m not watching them live action shows idgaf i like SOME of the animated ones) but they use it as a Mcguffin when they want bc they never built on this they just stole it from legends LMAOAA you just can’t do that  i’m literally about to pop a blood vessel 😭 i’m not watching that show again but let me critique the shit i do remember… also the “Gayest Star Wars we ever made” KEEP MY PEOPLE OUT YOUR SHITTY WORK !!! but after that man who’s to edgy for a name killed all her friends she “loved” she’s sees his face and is like wow 😍 literally thinkin with her pussy very hetro of you 💀 gah this show just pisses me off star war at its heart is a fuckin space opera and i dont think disney understands that. i literally fell in love with star wars back when i played battlefront and watched all the movies read as many comics and books as i could get my hands on and seeing something you love become something you hate is fuckin sick and crazy it’s started with me from the force awakens that movie is horrible you bitches say pretty graphics and said oh good movie 😍 NO NO it literally was just a new Hope setting everything that luke did back making him basically useless LMAO and they butchered the old characters to help the new ones which are really not that great 💀 i’m still mad that them used Finn as a token black person 😐 i could rewrite the force awakens better same characters and all and yk actually do something better (joking i would if Disney paid me to)LMAO also i hate kylo ren don’t get me wrong i love my cry baby tantrum throwing villains but he’s nawt it LMAO i’m sorry this is a rant about the shitty show YALL NOT READY FOR ME TO SPEAK ON THE FORCE AWAKENS 😭

yeah i hate that show i literally don’t wanna talk about it anymore heart emoji 😝 remember when people said the Phantom Menace was bad yeah…  at least it have character development atleast it had good world building atleast the universe was establish and yk i liked it but the prequel’s have always been my favorite clone wars literally came out on my birth year >:3 it was made for me 🤭 but i’m just a whore for world building and lore yeah… umm idk to me start wats ended with the return of the Jedi 🗣️

dont @ me idc this is my opinion and if you want to continue meat riding corporate greed that literally is ruining my fave franchise pop off if you liked the show i don’t care good for you (your def new gen star wars fan)

also Darth Plagueis ?? LMAO WHAT they just doing anything i see and why where all the jedis fuckin morons … okay ? and your main character sucked you don’t get the satisfaction of character arcs like “her joining the dark side” if there was no character building to begin with like ? it not to late Disney just burn it get it over with. Also it’s all so Fuckin boring LMAO also i can talk shit about character development and arcs all i want bc i’m writing my own novel and i’ve did a lot of research even tho this whole rant is a mess it’s 5 in the morning give ur girl a break i just really like my silly space movie okay 🥹 i literally spent a band on the Star Wars encyclopedia leave me alone

Um if you wanna argue my comments are open <3 i love arguing i’m somewhat of a scorpio myself

[hydrasaura]

I've seen a lot of new Voltron discourse pop up again (and now I know why) and I was just thinking that I am truly impressed with how I managed to isolate Hira from this show for so long, as to not constantly remember about the way my other faves ended up in the last seasons.

This show left such a stain of disappointment that I never even re-watched it again, despite having it saved somewhere. The only episode I would occasionally gloss over was the Hira one just to take screenshots of her, and every time I watch it I am more and more enraged by the disgusting way in which they treated Allura. I wrote this in a yt comment recently, but imagine you wake up from a coma to find out you and your uncle figure are the only people of your race left and then find out that one guy on your team is half the race that destroyed your own people. I remember so many fans hating Allura and treating her as some racist for having mixed feelings abt Keith and I found that so damn insane. But THEN the SHOW decides to punish her itself by having her meet other Alteans for the first time since she woken up, just for them to be evil. I also remember how fans were calling Allura naive for blissfully trusting everything Hira spoke instead of trusting Keith, her own teammate. And sure, I get that they were trying to show that you shouldn't judge anyone by their race, not all Galrans are bad and there are evil Alteans too but this allegory doesn't work in the context were everything in Allura's life was literally taken away by Galrans. It kinda felt like telling a black person who has been persecuted all their life by white people that not all whites are bad. Even if she is well-intended, the trauma of losing everything to them would be enough to make her wary of them and it would probably be needed a lot of work for her to trust them again. So the way they literally punish her for having these emotions feels utterly disgusting to me especially since she didn't do anything extreme like to suggest throwing Keith out of the team. The producers constantly made her suffer and threw her around like a rag doll, they taken away everything from her until she was so miserable that it basically felt like she committed s*icide rather than heroically sacrifice herself in the end.

What I'm trying to say is that, I only rewatched 1 episode out of this show and hyper-analyzing it made me realize how it was already destroying the characters I loved, so I can't imagine the mental torment it would be to re-watch the entire show. Especially since I really feel like almost no character had a satisfying development and ending to their arcs. + the rage I'd feel of watching again those 2 child abusers being redeemed and siting side by side with Allura and Lotor at the end

So in hindsight, I can't feel sad or angry for them removing the show from their platform. It's the most elegant thing to do, to forget this mess ever existed. So sorry for the people who put their heart and soul into it as the show had amazing art, music and voice acting. I can only hope that those people have found better environments to work in, especially after all the unjustified hate they received from the fans back in the day.

[strigital]

just a small bunch of Alek because he is the babiest of girls 😔

think it's about time i explained who tf he is and why i'm always sad about him so here are a few fun facts about the boi!:

saw his parents get brutaly unalived by Arasaka aged 16 and had to delta the fuck outta there with a toddler sister in his arms

got stranded in the desert outside Night City with nothing to his name but dad's old jacket, enough eddies to buy like one burger and a hungry child to care for

came across some Nomads (the Bakkers) and for a year or two Selita Bakker took the babes under her wing (then she fucken died and he had to leave again)

was forced into a life of crime just to make sure his sis didn't starve

he'd disappear for days or weeks doing gig after gig while Jaxine stayed with Mama Welles, Padre, Dr. Vik or Mama Fabienne (a kind-hearted haitian proprietress of The Birdhouse, an orphanage set up in the ruins of a small theatre tucked away somewhere between Dogtown and GIM) more about her sometime later

because of that Jax basically raised herself and Alek forever hated himself for not being there for her when she needed him most

he called her Jacket all the time and only used her name when she done fucked up and needed an ass woopin' (she was a hooligan who'd get locked up on possession charges aged 14...)

the nickname came from the fact that after they became orphans Jax would only ever shut up and stop crying while swaddled into her dad's giant jacket; she'd even wobble around like a penguin wearing it like a giant ass cape. and so it stuck. Jacket (sometimes it was JJ when Alek was in a hurry)

back in the world of edgerunning he was known as Vulture or V for short. his selling pitch was "got a bone to pick with somebody? Vulture's your man!"

as a side job he also ran an indie rock group "The Vultures". music helped him cope with day-to-day traumatic shit he had to endure. it's through the showbiz that he met Kerry Eurodyne and developed a hopeless crush on the celeb. feelings were mutual AF but both gonks were too shy to say anything. Kerry would only find out about it some years later from his sis when she became a walking floppy disk for Johnny_Silverhand.exe

at some point he utterly peaked in the merc world. every dog at the Afterlife knew his face and everybody wanted to work with him. even Rogue at some point advertised him to her clients as "the" man to do the job

at the pinnacle of his career Alek chipped in some mean mantis blades, top of the line Kiroshis, a Militech-made Sandevistan and a gazillion more enhancements that made him a fucken beast to be reckoned with. he also trained relentlessly and folks even mistook him for an ex-military, even though everything he knew was self-taught. he never stopped improving his body and mind and because of this (or maybe inspite of this?) he started showing the first symptoms of cyberpsychosis sometime around 2070. despite that, he'd keep his illness under control up until his death in 2074

it was also around this time that he klepped a pristine Type-66 Avenger off some corpo rat. he took the beaut to the Nomads to have it juiced up and after some work the wheels came out black as midnight, equipped with CrystalDome tech, guns upon guns, meanest freaking engine and tyres that could cling to walls if need be. don't ask how many people died staring down that bumper approaching them head-on at supersonic speeds, cause the answer is too many. Jax always felt like he loved that damned car more than her sometimes... and whenever she asked to take the beastie for a spin he'd always reply "over my dead body". who knew fucker meant it literally?!

Alek lied to Jaxine her whole life in a desperate bid to protect her from literally the entire world. the story of how they became orphans, what he did as a job, where he went off to for days on end... girl grew up knowing nothing about real Alek. only years later when with the help of a mutual friend she discovers his secret pad in the Glen that she'd start to piece together who he really was

Alek was afraid of his illness taking away his memory, so he scrolled damn near everything. birthday parties, hangouts at the shooting range, hikes into the badlands... every more or less important moment with Jaxie got recorded onto a BD shard and tucked away like a precious little slice of life that he was losing alongside his self-destructing neural links. later, Jaxie would spend hours rolling them over and over again, reliving the life that Arasaka took from them

throughout his career Alek's sole purpose in life (besides keeping his lil' sis alive) was revenge on Arasaka. specifically, he wanted to end Saburo himself with his own hands. any gig that involved messing with 'Saka or allowed him to gather crucial info was an automatic green light for him

he knew his dad didn't die in the assault and suspected he was Soulkilled like many other enemies of the corp (old man did in fact manage a anti-corpo group of vigilantes for like a decade before getting ratted out by somebody). at some point while on a gig to steal some 'Saka intel he got a hold of his dad's engram's copy. not like the Relic which would delete your personality, but the old gen - one that you plug in and talk to like your average hologram. of course, Alek never told Jax that he had their dead father on a shard slotted into his head at all times... and old man Bryce didn't want to traumatize his junior kid even further, either

dad wholeheartedly supported his son's mission to topple Arasaka, which was probably a bad idea... because history tends to repeat itself and eventually 'Saka discovered Alek's true identity and connected numerous crimes against them back to him. Adam Smasher was on his way to smash Alek...

too late did Alek realize that he done fucked up. he got all the crucial info locked away in his pad, the keys from it he left in his wheels and send that mf off into the sunset with a trusted fella. he recorded a sordid confession for Jaxie with a shitton of i'm-sorry's and i-love-you's and sent her away by... lying, again. he told her some drug dealers where coming to collect their due and he wanted her out of danger while he dealt with them. but the metal man Smasher showed up and the epic fight ensued. Alek knew he had no chance but he wasn't gonna make it easy for the dickwipe that zeroed his fam. the least he could do is hurt the bitch. and so as Jaxie was speeding away on Alek's bike - explosion. both Alek and his digitized dad were gone for good. Jaxie was left to fend for herself, not knowing that 'Saka now knew that they didn't wipe all of the Bryces and were looking for the one that got away

eventually she'd learn the whole tragic ass truth. and despite Alek's last wish for Jaxine to leave 'Saka be and just live her life, she made it her life goal to avenge her family. somehow, someway. one Johnny Silverhand would later come in extremely handy in this quest of hers

even though his life was hard and short, he did try to live to the fullest. he put his heart and soul into his music, he tried his damned best to show Jaxine that he loved her, and he looked out for his friends. Rogue would describe him as "the good villain" - a guy who despite having bloodied hands that never dried, always tried to do well by others. there was a short time when he was considered the deadliest motherfucker in town the mention of whose name sent shivers down gangoons' spines. and then he, like many before him and after, died

so if ya wanna honor the legendary Vulture whose flight was cut short, come down to the Afterlife and ask Claire for a shot of The Vulture: Armagnac Massy on the rocks with a splash of Cirrus Cola and a mint garnish. expensive, you say? if you knew him, you'd know he was worth every ennie

[satohqbanana]

A couple of thoughts on SekiRaku, Youko and Rakushun, and their questionable age gap - and by a couple I mean a multitude.

Canon Says

As reference, Youko is canonically 16 and Rakushun 22 (iirc).

On the more canon side, Youko's romantic feelings - if any - for Rakushun feel quite one-sided. Though she tries to be bolder through her words (e.g. "I consider you a prince of Kei"), he tends to dodge, deflect, or even scold her (perceived) declarations of affection (e.g. He told her "[not] to indulge in personal whims like you're naming a pet" in regards to naming her ruling era as "Sekiraku").

Add to that, Rakushun still keeps his Kou citizenship, pours his time into studying (which could take up to two full decades! - meanwhile Youko is eternally 16), and maintains that they live in different realities and are far from each other. He literally thinks he doesn't deserve to be treated so handsomely for picking up the then-unknown ruler of Kei. He's very mindful of their statuses and social ranking. Rakushun's actions make me think he's actually actively pushing for the gap between the two of them - whether he acknowledges her affections for him or not.

I think it's also good to consider that Fuyumi Ono mostly ever does shiptease for these two but confirms little, since she likes to write politics, warriors, and philosophies after all.

Shipping Says

That said, on the shipping side, Youko is eternally 16 - for a few years now. Counting the actual years, she is technically already of age, and even if she "waits" she'll never really "be" "older". Then again, she's already a deity, so the rules that apply for her have since changed. As the Imperial Kei, she can't even be married via ceremony to another; she would only have a common-law marriage with any partner she might want to bring into the court.

Also, if anything, I think it would bring massive relief to the anxious Keiki to know that she holds affections for someone else who is not him.

On Rakushun's side, it's harder to imagine what he feels towards Youko as a person and not just as a King. He needs more character development for a romance to bloom between them. But I see why his more humble views of himself makes him an attractive, non-aggressive option as a partner.

My Opinion

Is it dodgy? Yeah. I admit I forgot that Rakushun was 22. Do I ship it? I sure do.

Like I said, no matter what happens, Youko is 16 - eternally. (And it's Keiki's "fault" he even came to get her at 16. By him making her the King of Kei, her age stopped forever.) She's no longer human - if she wants her godhood to end, she literally has to die. (Compared with Shoukei and Suzu who can get in and out of humanity and demigodhood via the Registry of Wizards.)

Despite so, shouldn't we apply our rules of age of majority on her? I'm not so sure. I think she's at the age where she would be dreaming of finding someone to spend her life with. I imagine Youko getting upsetti spaghetti over it. Besides, given the themes Fuyumi Ono intended for her to tackle (and that is young girls going against tradition), I think Youko just disregarding her age gap and other whatever social gaps with Rakushun would be on-brand and in-character for her, even if we (or Keiki) disapprove.

And like I said, for the relationship to actually happen, Rakushun needs a massive character upgrade. He constantly talks himself down in his POV.

Besides, they're legitimately happy to be in each other's company. Their conversations are amusing to follow. They're cute together and they treat each other as actual persons and not as Imperial Kei or hanjyuu - even if they do consider those things once they're not in front of each other. I like that.

Fuyumi Ono however would likely not touch upon this more, though. Besides, 12K is a political high fantasy novel. TBH I want more stories of the other kingdoms - Dreaming of Paradise (Sairin and her first emperor) tore my heart out and Blue Orchid (very early Shouryou En) still has the most beautiful catharsis in the series for me.

What-Ifs

Now, if I had to answer how the ideal SekiRaku romance would go, I think I'd like it to tackle the following.

Youko's perspective should explore the age gap thing and her identity as a deity. There will be a lot of embarrassing conversations. I think we should also get more worldbuilding stuff on courtship - I don't know, maybe have Suzu and Shoukei receiving gifts or proposals, or even Shouryou giving unsolicited advice and even dodgier life stories. I would also want to see how Youko perceived/perceives romance as a 16-year-old, both from when she was in Japan, and now as she is a King of Kei.

I would also like to have Keiki's opinion on this matter - mostly because of his constant comparison between Youko and Jokaku, and also because he does acknowledge Rakushun as someone important to Youko. I would also like to know if kirins actually understand romantic love; all I get from reading Keiki's perspective on Jokaku is that he couldn't understand her (romantic) love for him even if he indeed already (non-romantically) loves her.

Rakushun also needs to get over his hanjyuu complex. As realistic his views towards society could be, his relationship with his hanjyuu identity is unhealthy. (I think he's been dehumanized to the point he has to shun clothes - a basic commodity - to manage poverty.) I think he should spend more time getting comfortable in his human form - that is still himself, after all!

TL;DR

Yeah, I see why you wouldn't ship them and why Fuyumi Ono wouldn't write them as an actual couple, but I still ship them for reasons beyond the age gap thing. Also I need their ship to answer a couple questions beyond what makes a legitimate romantic relationship, and yes, by a couple, I mean a multitude.

But yes, it's mostly just wishful thinking.

[ariainstars]

The Mandalorian Season 3 Isn’t That Bad

Yes, sigh, I know, this Season was not what we Mando fans were expecting. The pacing is slow for an action show and there are too many fillers; also, most of us were expecting Din (or Djarin, now we have learned it’s actually his first name) to become the new Mand’alor and we were let down. But thinking back about it, the Season is actually quite acceptable considering the direction the characters take.

Let me elaborate.

From the very first, Mando is always shown as someone fiercely loyal, both to his covert and to Grogu but mostly to his fellow Mandalorians. He would do anything for them, including killing on his bounty hunting to earn money for their survival: the first words we hear him say literally are “I can bring you in warm or I can bring you in cold.”

Mando has adhered to the code „This is the Way“ his entire teenage and adult life. Everything he does is by order of the Armorer, whose judgement and decisions are never remotely questioned neither by him nor by the other Mandalorians. At the end of Season 1 he accepts the role of the adopted father for Grogu and the search for “one of his kind” (a Jedi) because she tells him to do so. The first thing he does in Season 3 is to seek for atonement for his „sin“ of removing the helmet. He hardly shows a personal agenda, it is all for “the Way”; and he is not the one who decides what the Way is.

After his redemption he steps back, gets sidelined, gives Bo-Katan the Darksaber and swears loyalty to her. Why? Because he already was an apostate once. Until then he never would have dared to do anything that opposes the Armorer, even less so now that he is redeemed and after he almost drowned while seeking redemption.

The Armorer is not the most dependable narrator or leader. She does not question why Mando he removed his helmet (which was fully justified since he did it to save his foundling), but later on she says that „Bo-Katan walks both Ways“ after having known her for two weeks. Bo-Katan has blackmailed Mando twice since he met her, and knowing her past, she already proved that she is not a good leader. Mando would have every right to shout “This is not fair”, and many fans are doing it for him. But he doesn’t: he accepts everything the Armorer tells him in good faith, never questioning it. He would never do anything to challenge her and risk becoming an apostate again. (At least, not yet.)

As viewers, we immediately saw that the father-son dynamic between Mando and Grogu is heart and soul of the story and that they are meant to be together. It is different for Djarin: this fact is only slowly sinking in. In Season 1 he bonded with Grogu after their adventure with the mudhorn, which is why he rescued him instead of leaving him with the Client; and all the adventures they lived through during the first two seasons only brought them closer together. It is only at the penultimate episode of Season 2 that he removes his helmet in front of others to save the child and this is the first time ever that we see how Grogu matters more to him than the Way.

Season 3 culminates with Mando finally making a choice of his own, by adopting Grogu and living with him on his own. This time, it was his own and not the Armorer’s decision, although she did give them her blessing.

The destruction of the Darksaber, also much criticized, fits to this development. Mandalorians were until now ready to follow blindly the person who owned it: that it no longer exists could mean that the time of conflict for the planet Mandalore is over, since the object they were arguing about does no longer exist. In future, hopefully the ruler of Mandalore will be who is most worthy, not who happens to possess a particular weapon, whether it was given to them or they won it in combat.

As viewers, this development may be difficult to stomach; but we are not in Djarin’s shoes. We were not raised from childhood in an absolutist cult that would leave us to die on our own for an understandable transgression. Let’s face it: “This is the Way” is brainwashing. Rules are good and well but when you realize that you can never question or break them, even if by all logic you have good reason to do so, something is wrong. But if your very survival depends on your belonging to the sect that raised you and taught you everything you know, you will not dare to think outside of the box.

I am not happy with Bo-Katan governing Mandalore instead of Djarin: the way we got to know him I daresay he would be an excellent leader. He puts foundlings first, he is fiercely loyal, he is selfless, he is protective, he is a good negotiator. Bo-Katan is way less mature and strong than he is. On the other hand, she already did wrong to her people, which we also learn in this Season: she dealt with Gideon believing he would spare her people, which was naïve at best. I don’t dislike the idea that she gets a chance to amend for what she did and maybe to grow and mature into a better ruler.

I agree that much about this season was disappointing and that the plot could probably have been told in half the time, but I disagree that it makes no sense. Not only Grogu is growing and maturing, so is his father. I don’t know where they mean to lead this to, but I think it’s interesting to watch.

Besides, I was very happy to see Ahmed Best again and to see him play the Jedi who had rescued Grogu from the Jedi temple, all of those years earlier.

[loufi8iepuff]

Cd - Lee Felix (Part 2/3?)

Warnings and/or tropes: Best friends to lovers, Kind of unrequited love?, Mention of food, Written a while ago, not my best work.. Pretty dramatic, (-but feelings are always vallid!! Just depends how you act on them)

Summary: (y/n) is acting weird after she found out that her best friend, Felix is in love with her and he notices. He tries confronting her, but she doesn't say anything. While Felix is trying to figure out what's wrong, (y/n) is slowly developing or discovering feelings.

Word count: 1881

Stray Kids Masterlist - where you will also find my main!

-

I slam that cd out of my laptop and throw it back. I jump, -or rather katapult myself back onto the bed and barely two seconds later Felix walks in.

He probably looks very confused. I wouldn't know though, because I can't even look him in the eyes right now.

"What happened?"

He sounds genuinely concerned. He thinks I hurt myself. Right!

"I just fell"

Quiet.

"Are you okay, (y/n)?"

Still concerned. That's good, he believes me.

"Yeah, I'm fine"

"You sure? You don't really look fine..."

I don't really feel it either... But he wants to act like nothing happened, so I have to do at least that for him.

"I'm really fine, mother"

"Look at me"

I can't. I try, but I physically can't.

He places a hand on my cheek and guides my head in his direction. He is looking me right in my eyes and I have never felt more nervous. He just stands there and keeps looking me in my eyes. Yep, my heart is gonna explode in about five seconds now. 4..

"Hey, I'm really okay, Felix"

3... 2... And I look away again. I know he doesn't actually believe me, but he'll stop asking.

"How about we go and make the coco and then finish the movie?"

"...Okay"

And we do just that. Then I leave.

As days pass and I feel less and less awkward around Felix, but we both know that something changed. Felix hasn't said anything about yet, but I know he really wants to.

I hate this too, Felix.

Then he asks. I brush past it as quickly as possible.

He asks again and I avoid it again.

He asks again, I avoid it again.

He asks again, and again, and again-

Until I get the call.

I'm sitting comfortably in my bed reading, drinking tea. Peacefully. Quietly

*RING RING RING*

I jump in shock. I have no idea why my phone is so dang loud.

*RING RING RING*

I frantically throw around all of my pillows.

*RING RING RING*

"I SWEAR T- .. oh" And it's on the bedside table.

*RING RING RING*

I hurry over to take the call before I claw my own ears off. It's Felix.

"HI! what's up, fellicia?"

"... hi. (y/n)?"

"..yes...?" I suddenly felt very cold.

"Did you find the Cd?"

Forget cold, I'm now in antarctica.

I'm frozen. literally and metaphorically. The goosebumps spread around my body at an alarming rate and my toes and fingers might just fall off at any second now.

My fingers does. They fall off and with that my phone falls to the ground. The sound of it hitting the ground, sounds like ice breaking.

The ground I'm standing on falls apart -or it's my legs that can't carry the weight anymore. I don't know which.. All I know is that I've fallen into the ice-cold water. Not waist or neck deep, but all the way under. It feels like a million knives stabbing me. I'm suffocating.

I'm overeating.

I am aware of that and I know I don't have the right to. I'm not the one who loves someone who doesn't love me back. I'm not the one who is probably hurting everyday and spends forever being scared that they might figure out my feelings. I'm not the one who has to be terrified of losing my best friend because of some dumb feelings i have no control over.

I couldn't live like that. I can't live without Felix and now I might lose him. Just because I was curious. Just because I had avoided thinking about him like that my whole life. If I hadn't, I might've known. I might have caught feelings for him too and we would have lived happily ever after.

"(y/n)?" It's Felix' voice. Hesitant and quiet.

"y-es?" I manage to mutter.

"Did you?"

I don't want to answer. What if I just died right now? If the cold water around me and in my lungs caused a heart attack? That'd be nice.

But I can't; I have to answer.

"Yes." This time my voice sounded more sure, but it still wasn't much.

"Okay.." 1.. 2.. 3 seconds of silence.

"-Did you listen to it?"

"Yes."

"And that's why you've been ignoring me?" Happiness..? He sounded relieved.

"I didn't ignore you!"

"Avoiding, then." I really didn't!

"No, i-"

"Yeah, whatever (y/n). It doesn't matter... The distance.. between us. It's because of.. that, right?"

"..yeah."

"Oh thank god. I thought i did something that would've made you hate me"

He was relieved? That doesn't make any sense at all. His big secret just got exposed and I'm the one who is freaking out?

"You're not-.. Why-... I-.. I really don't get you, Felix."

"Well.. How would you have wanted me to react?"

I have no idea.

"I don't know? .. I just figured you'd be like.. Scared or shocked or... Mad even?"

"Why would I be mad?" ... Duh, Felix?

"Because I looked through your stuff?"

"Oh, right.. Nah. I bet you feel guilty enough on your own."

Silence. It's my turn to say something, but nothing comes out.

"Hey, it's okay, (y/n). I'm okay. I'm used to it by now. I know you don't feel that way about me. I think I'm actually happy that you know. It feels like a burden has been taken off my shoulder."

It takes me a few seconds, but finally something comes out.

"I'm sorry, Felix"

"It's okay! Do you want to go get ice cream or something? I'm really craving sugar right now. -It's not a date or anything! So no pressure."

He changes the subject, to make me feel better. It feels wrong. It should be the other way around, but I don't think he wants me to comfort him.

Honestly I'm in no mood for ice cream, but i can't say no to him now. Plus, maybe it'll be less awkward now. Maybe things can go back to normal.

"Sure!"

"Let's meet in the park then."

The ice cream shop in the park, behind the big playground. The one we've gone to so many times. Times where I'd blabber on about; First my, then, boyfriend, then my ex and now the latest date i'd been on. It had probably made him feel horrible.

"Sounds good."

I take my shoes on and walk out the door. It's a short walk; the park isn't any more than five minutes away. I enter the park through the rose-filled entry and not even a minute later I can see Felix, standing a few meters from the people waiting in line.

And then he sees me.

He waves at me, with a big smile.

I try to smile too, but it comes out a bit weird. I run, -or speed-walk, over to him and he hugs me. A big hug that lasts a few seconds. Pretty much just like he usually does.

"Ah, I've missed you, (y/n)!" He just looks at me happily. Not a sign of anything else.

"I've missed you too" I really mean that. I smile at him too.

"So what flavor? And I swear if you pick vanilla and chocolate again I am never gonna let you hear the end of it!" -I said. It felt normal. Our interactions. Maybe everything will go back to normal now! I feel a little bit bad, but this was what he wanted, too.

"What's wrong with vanilla and chocolate?!"

"Vanilla; nothing, it's just plain, but chocolate ice cream kinda tastes like shit. Chocolate is great, but the ice cream: No!"

"Cmon! You literally eat "plain" vanilla with raw cookie dough."

"And it's a million times better!"

Felix and I spent the rest of the day together, first we ate our ice cream. Brownie fudge and cookie dough. We walked around the park for a while and then we walked back to his dorm. Then we just sat and talked for hours.

After that we talked everyday and things went back to normal. mostly.

To Felix and everyone else it probably seemed normal, but I keep getting nervous.

I don't know why and it's incredibly unlike me.

I would get it if I just felt guilty at times, but I'm just always nervous.

When he is talking to me, looking at me or just close to me in any way. I get nervous when he calls and texts me. I get nervous everytime i think about him, which lately is a lot.

I feel unsure of myself around him, for the first time in my life.

Maybe I do have a crush on Felix? It just doesn't make sense. If I did, I would know. I've always been so sure of my own feelings.

Maybe I'd been in love with him for years, I was just so used to it that I didn't notice?

No.. Back then, I had feelings for my ex and not much has changed between me and Felix, since then.

Can you have feelings for two people at the same time?

I don't think so..?

How do you even know that you have feelings for someone? What does "having feelings for someone" even mean?

My thoughts keep rambling. For hours. It's late, waaay too late to use my phone, but I still pull it out.

How do I know if I have feelings for someone? :I googled.

I click on the first link.

It's long and takes me forever to read. While I read I take mental notes. What I do and don't do. I do feel nervous around him, I care so much more about his opinion than everyone else's, I think about him a lot, list goes on.. But all of those could just be because he is so important to me.

I don't, -I can't, imagine being with him. -romantically. Or maybe I just haven't?

He would be a good boyfriend. I mean he basically already is. There aren't really that many differences, from our relationship now; to an actual relationship.

I think I've always viewed our friendship as more than any other kind of relationship.

I trust him with my life, I feel safe around him, I love spending time with him.. I love him.

That's how someone would feel about their partner, right? That, just plus the kissing and stuff.

I wouldn't mind kissing him. He has such nice lips. They look soft and... very kissable.

I'd like to kiss him.

You don't think like that about a friend. I wouldn't really want to kiss any of my other friends.

I've always been very attracted to him, haven't I? I've always thought he was the most beautiful person I've ever met. He looks like an angel. I just thought it was simply an observation. A fact. I can't imagine someone not finding him attractive. You just do?

I found him a million times more attractive than everyone I've ever dated. -Which probably isn't a very friendly thought.

I've always known that I love him. -I do.

What's the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?

Isn't being in love with someone, just loving someone, while being attracted to them?

I love Felix and I'm for sure attracted to him.

I'm in love with Felix. -too.

Gosh. It feels like I'm floating. High up in the sky, looking through the skies down on the place I was laying two seconds ago.

The guilt I've been feeling the last few weeks is gone. Most of it. I still feel a little guilty for not realizing earlier. I don't know when I developed feelings, but it must've been a while ago.

I know now, though.

I know that I'm in love with Felix, too.

-

I think I want to finish this off better, but if I do it might take a while. Don’t wait on it..(: 

Here might be part 3. 

[vespertin-y]

more liveblogging YIPPEE!! this time it’s the first half of ch1′s daily life.

-”monokuma will never directly commit a murder” bro don’t you threaten to kill all of them like two days from now??

-himiko’s vibrating sprite 😭 she is my spirit animal truly

-oh, shuichi and rantaro’s dynamic is GREAT. shuichi pulls kaede aside to ask if she thinks an ultimate talent is “really something you can forget” and iirc rantaro says he thinks shuichi is the most suspicious person in his FTEs - they both clearly suspect the other of being the ringleader and it’s fantastic. especially since their shared fondness for kaede makes them interact more than they’d probably like.

-we meet again, manhole gonta cg, we meet again. you have not gotten any prettier.

-kokichi’s first instinct when faced with a big hollow place is to yodel, and honestly same. echos r fun okay!!

-rantaro gets so much snarkier upon rewatch - you realize how much of his dialogue is just taking the piss. him saying “oh, how considerate” when they find the exit sign still makes me giggle.

-kaito thinking kaede is the COOLEST WOMAN ON EARTH and kaede thinking he’s sooo lame is such an underrated dynamic. “gimme a hug!” “no 💖” lives in my head rent free.

-kokichi’s speech after the death road of despair is what made me sit up and take interest in him and in kaede as characters and it still holds up so good hpsuhag,,,,i don’t have a ton of bigbrain thoughts about it but please know i am thinking about high empathy/low compassion kokichi and low empathy/high compassion kaede every single day. autistic queens.

-kokichi literally just says they need to find another way out and rantaro’s immediately like “murder?? you want to do a murder, you little gremlin????” then tenko freaks out, kokichi tells her to chill, and she threatens to smash his head into the ground!? it seems to me that the writers had a set dynamic between kokichi and the rest of the group, but forgot that by this point in the story they haven’t written anything to justify it - even with rantaro’s paranoia and tenko’s anger issues, this is excessive. HILARIOUSLY, this makes the scene read as his fucking jonker origin story. tenko, you fool, you should’ve taken the bubblegum...! look what you’ve gotten us all into...!

-the dorm rooms are INSANELY swanky. i’d want to live there, if not for the...everything else......

-them having tons of copies of the same outfit is so funny. tsumugi put her heart and soul into those costumes and you WILL wear them.

-that’s the end of day one! i’ll be keeping track of them, just so you all can understand how RIDICULOUS v3′s timeline is.

-i once saw someone point out that there was zero reason for maki not to take the first blood perk, and now that HAUNTS me. she would only be responsible for one death since there’s no class trial, and we know that ever after five chapters of ✨bonding✨ she’s still willing to murder all her “friends” in a petty revenge plot, and she’s supposed to be willing to do ANYTHING to keep her orphanage from going under. completely irrelevantly, did you know maki being an assassin was actually added later in development than kaede being the first killer?

-despite him definitely knowing that monokuma isn’t really dead, kokichi insists wholeheartedly that the killing game is “cancelled” - it’s one of his more obvious ploys imo. even if it can only delay deaths for a day or so, he’s willing to throw all his acting chops behind it.

-you know that meme that goes “god made me mentally ill to nerf me”? that’s shuichi. he’s a side character that becomes the protagonist. he has a plan to catch the mastermind in CHAPTER ONE. he is breaking the danganronpa formula so bad. tsumugi had to pump him full of depression or else he would have crushed her show like a nut on day one. the detective. he destroyed his narrative. yes. YES. the detective is out.

-KAEDE TOLD MIU TO SHUT THE HELL UP...u know it’s serious when u get *kaede* to curse omg

-”hey,do you think this door is connected to monokuma somehow?” “i think it might.” and here we get our first reminder that v3 was translated by character, not by scene. the translators mostly stuck to their individual character’s dialogue without much communication, and it leaves lots of little blips like this.

-and so day two ends!

-the way they just...take the wind right out of monokuma’s sails is so funny. he’s so excited for this yokai gimmick!! and then miu tells him to get hit by a second car, tsumugi complains that his outfit is bad, and korekiyo starts explaining the difference between ghosts and yokai in excruciating detail. monokuma’s one weakness: pretentious teenage nerds...!

-the additional time-limit motive doesn’t make sense to me when it’s been ONE DAY since he introduced the first one!? it feels like a last resort, something to be used after they refused to take the bait. fits much better with a more stretched-out timeline, where they were in the school for a month or so with no murder before monokuma snapped and told them to kill or else.

-rantaro questions if he can even trust himself because of his missing memories. of course WE know he’s not gonna get hajime’d, but it’s a reasonable fear!

-”that’s why i didn’t want to talk about this in front of everyone...if we told them now, they might all try to find the mastermind, and be led to murder. that’s why...i could only tell you, kaede.” oh, shuichi......(┬┬﹏┬┬) kaede just goes dead silent after this too, before changing the subject. she doesn’t have a murder plan yet - she can’t have one, not before they’ve gone to the warehouse - but she’s certainly Considering Options.

-there’s part one of daily life! like and subscribe, i’ll be posting the second half momentarily :]

[mushroomrealestate]

TW abuse!!

OK so I used to be obsessed with cartoons back in the day and idolized cartoon creators. Was never a fan of Rick and Morty though. (I don’t want anyone to take this as me shaming anyone who has been! Certainly not the case. The show was simply not my cup of tea.)

However, with all the stuff coming out about Justin Roiland, I am hoping and praying that creators I idolized when I was younger don’t turn out to be scumbags as well. I know some of them have connections with him, but I don’t know their stories or their hearts, or anything about their personal lives with him so I don’t want to take that as anything to do with their character just yet.

As someone with OCD, I simply don’t know if I would be able to take it. My biggest idol back in the day was Alex Hirsch. All of this stuff about Roiland led me to look deeper into Hirsch because I know they are or were friends and have collaborated a lot. All I was able to find was ‘he said she said’ stuff that was not confirming actual crimes, but was still pretty shitty if it was true. I have no way of knowing if it’s true though, because people say shit on the internet all the time! If anyone has definitive proof of if shitty things did or didn’t go down though I would like to know because I don’t want to support abusers/abuse enablers.

Now, I’m just trying to put myself in the shoes of people who have had connections with Roiland if that makes sense. I know it’s a new situation, and I would, of course, not be so quick to completely turn against somebody I’ve known well for years based on allegations I have no way of proving, but I don’t know. I don’t know these people at the end of the day. And, if he by some miracle happens to be innocent himself, then this entire post is pointless. I highly doubt it though.

I just really hope that’s not the case because the amount of time I have invested into Hirsch’s work is time I would never get back. Already had a lot of crap to work through because of traumatic experiences within the fandom when I was much younger. At the end of the day, those experiences were not his fault, nor had anything to do with him, so I’ve been able to heal a lot.

I was watching Gravity Falls with my little brother just yesterday. This show was literally what got me obsessed with cartoons and had me taking art and animation classes and trying to develop ideas for shorts and original series. I own a signed copy of journal three. I’ve cosplayed multiple characters multiple times. I own so many figures and books and posters and a complete Blu-ray box set. I have made entire sketchbooks worth of fanart in my lifetime, and even a custom doll.  I don’t display any of these anymore, they are in a box in my closet, but I still own them.

I’m already spiraling enough because of Roiland’s involvement in the show. I know that Louis C.K. was also in the show, but his voice was dubbed over by Hirsch himself after he was confirmed to be an absolute creep. Maybe, in the best case scenario, this could happen with Roiland’s character as well?

I am also a huge fan of the Owl House. Probably my favorite cartoon currently running. This would definitely affect how I saw that show as well so I hope that’s not the case. Please be a good person Dana Terrace.

Closing statement: Please be at least a decent human being Hirsch I’m begging you please don’t let me down. And, if all of these people do in fact turn out to be abusers/abuse enablers, I hope that the truth is widely accessible, and that they are able to be brought down, and that nothing like this is ever allowed to happen again.  A lot of shitty stuff has been done to me in my lifetime and I never want to brush off it happening to somebody else because I happen to like a cartoon. It’s okay to have complex feelings about shows now. Works of fiction are complex and shows like these have lots of people working on them. Still, at the end of the day, victims are more important than cartoons.

If you have read until the end, thank you so much. Apologies for my grammar. I know it’s not the best and I know there are probably plenty of spelling and punctuation mistakes throughout this. Thank you again. Please be safe out there.

[the-gayest-show]

S4E1: Day of the Sorcerers Review/Analysis

So recently I got to this episode in the show and not going to lie, I LOVED IT!

I’ve always been a sucker for Cedric’s character and his arc, so it was nice to see this episode essentially become some kind of turning point for Cedric, at least in the bigger sense. It was established as far as episodes like Cedric’s Apprentice and Cedric Be Good that Cedric isn’t without a heart, and this episode is the ultimate dilemma for him, choosing between good and evil, taking over the kingdom or succumbing to his more developed self. God I had some good emotions out of this.

So the episode starts off with the Day of the Sorcerer’s festival, where Sofia is invited to as Cedric’s apprentice to help perform spells. This all takes place in Hexley Hall, where we previously met Grimtrix who tried to steal Sofia’s amulet in Hexley Hall, the episode (confusing, I know). Sofia worries that this time he might make another run for the amulet, but Cedric says he probably won’t due to the various people there.

We get some nice scenes, one of them foreshadows the Mystic Isles (an episode pack/miniseries [?] I have not seen yet but I know Mystic Isles is gonna be relevant soon because I looked at the episode titles on Disney+ already) as this place where magic comes from, and I guess that princess from Wei-Ling and Wu-Chan are also there. Wu-Chan makes sense but honestly idk why they bothered to include the princess for like 3 seconds since they literally never speak of her again after that scene. Maybe when Sofia is running for the secret room but that’s literally it?

Then Grimtrix’s weasel appears and subverted my expectations almost immediately by NOT going for Sofia’s amulet. Like believe me, I was fully expecting the long creature to just swipe that girl’s amulet but the creature just spawns an envelope, likely Grimtrix doing the spawning, with an invitation to some secret greatest sorcerer’s meeting that she gives to Cedric. Cedric, being the guy who bends over backwards at the chance to be called anything but insults, immediately runs for it, and Cedric follows the Shusher ghost thing into that room. Looking back, shouldn’t that have been clear evidence to Cedric that Grimtrix is involved? As far as I was convinced (confirmed properly by the scene where the Shusher traps the good wizards in the library), the Shusher is literally just a 2nd hand of Grimtrix. Shouldn’t that have been a clear sign? I suppose Cedric could’ve overlooked that in his excitement, but I knew from the start that maybe Grimtrix was coercing Cedric into it simply bc the hand was there, can’t get it off my mind ya know? Anyways.

Sofia, wondering where Cedric has gone, follows him into that secret sorcerer meeting, where we find out that Grimtrix is leading the pack (of course he is, I called it!) but we also see villains like that music guy, merlin’s enemy, Greylock, among others. There’s always benefits in watching absolutely every single episode of Sofia the First it seems. Basically, they’ve invented something called the Order of the Wand (most badass name ever btw!) where it’s just a coalition planning to overthrow the royalty of their respected palaces, saying that they refuse to be treated like jesters and entertainers, essentially saying they’re wiser to rule the kingdoms than the current rulers.

Cedric is kinda sitting there processing this, it’s a dream come true! The one thing he’s wanted since season 1, handed to him by the power of the medusa stone! But we see he’s clearly hesitant, due to the aforementioned character development led by Sofia herself. Speaking of Sofia, she overhears that whole plan and wonders what Cedric is even doing there or why Grimtrix would call him for a meeting of evil sorcerers, which leads to a scene where we almost get Cedric confessing to his various stealing attempts but he just kinda shoos her out and gets on with it.

We get THE MOST. FUCKASS MUSICAL NUMBER. EVER!!!!!!!!! Like Jess Harnell my bro THOSE VOCALS WERE SO RAW!!!!! NOT TO MENTION THE VISUALS?!??!?! IT WAS AMAZING!!! The electric guitar in the BG was unexpected and was so good damn it. I really like how you can see Sofia’s dark purple-y shadow (of goodness I would presume) looming around him, and generally the movements and animation, VIVID. The way he threw all those people aside! The scenes with him in the chair! Ackk I love it! SYMBOLISM!!!

I personally see this song as the spiritual successor to Cedric the Great The themes of both songs tie together perfectly, going from a very confident “I am going to take over this kingdom someday, this is me imagining what I’ll do when that happens” to “I have the opportunity to take over the kingdom and achieve my dreams but something feels wrong now”. Also, the note he sang that final lyric “Cedric the great” in this song sounded literally the same as from the original Cedric the Great song, that’s what got me thinking this to begin with. Throughout the song, Wormwood (successfully) argues that while Sofia was nice to him, everyone else wasn’t, and thus everyone else should get the karma, while Cedric wonders if maybe taking over the kingdom isn’t exactly what he’s wanted, now that he has the chance to do it for real.

Cedric also talks about how people had made fun of him ever since he was a kid, and I believe that’s essentially the entire reason why he’s ever wanted to take over the kingdom. Sure, power is a bonus, but he’s always had magical power, but he’s never had someone who believed in him. To me, it’s been quite clear since the beginning that his main motivation was not truly power, but rather respect and authority, someone who can’t be made fun of. While other members in the Order of the Wand want the power and control of being Kings/Queens of their respective castles, Cedric seems to want the respect and dignity. Even in the musical number Cedric the Great, it’s obvious that that’s his main goal. Lyrics in that song like “…But that won’t last for long”, “those who used to tease me will be at my command” and “Soon everyone will know my name” feels more motivated by wanting to be known, and living up the expectations of the royal sorcerer family.

My Evil Dreams lyrically contrasts with “But now the day has come… so why am I so gloomy…”, “but I’m not sure I want them to”. I also like the lyrics about his dreams being his friends when he was alone and his schemes making him feel like he had a home. So essentially there’s the crux of him being evil: filling the void of no friends (because of how bullied he was) and no home (yeah I wouldn’t have a home either if my own parents and family didn’t fucking believe in me). In Sofia, he essentially found those things (home is a debatable one but friends for sure), which makes the evil stuff like a coping mechanism for him being alone. If that’s so, then someone like Sofia who filled that void of evil schemes and dreams, brought him some new purpose, to an extent. Should he go back to his old ways or revel in the new is the question, and it’s VERY compelling.

Over the rest of the episode, we get to see Cedric taking over the kingdom, and then there’s this scene where Sofia spies Cedric talking and laughing to Grimtrix, who tells him good luck with the kingdom takeover or something. Sofia confronts him and Cedric, having already made up his mind, admits to Sofia that he’s always wanted to go through with the plans of taking over the kingdom and Wormwood even adds the bit that Cedric has been plotting to steal that amulet from the beginning, something I was wondering when it’d happen (in universe it’s been 3-4 years now HOW has no one gotten the hint before?). Cedric ultimately says that Sofia and Cedric were never friends and runs off to freeze people with his Medusa stone.

He goes and freezes basically every guard and royal he spots, and changes up the décor a bit (honestly he’s got some great style choices), but Sofia is determined as ever to stop him. I really like that scene where she floats in on a broom and Cedric points the wand at her and tries to freeze her but is so hesitant that he lets her grab the wand. Like I said before, he still doubts his decision to take over the kingdom, if not for the fear of hurting the only other person who’s ever really seen him in a positive light.

Eventually, once his stone is destroyed, everyone unfreezes and Cedric is so cooked, as the kids say. The guards seize him and jail him immediately, which is pretty understandable for an act of treason like that. Sofia, however, is still determined to see the best in him because she saw that he was willing to not freeze her, so that means he must have a good heart in there somewhere. She encourages him to take the stand against Grimtrix and that he does. He frees himself and Wormy (RIP Wormy’s head, bro was head bashed into the ground for freedom’s sake, oof), and goes out to fight Grimtrix. Grimtrix, thinking Cedric was on his side, gave him the wand, thinking Cedric would finish Sofia off, but he double-crosses him and freezes Grimtrix instead, and essentially the plot of that ends.

But then we cut to Cedric on his knees begging for forgiveness (funniest shit ever tbh), and you could tell he was really sorry, but the royal family was hesitant to accept the apology, considering what happened. Sofia basically brings up Amber and her development (yippee Amber arc mention woohoo). Excuse me if I’ve forgotten how, but the royal family just figured out his backstory and realized, yeah, maybe we shouldn’t be belittling the guy who works for us and has a history of being belittled. History aside, yeah they’d serve to be a bit nicer, it took them fuck knows how long to come to that conclusion.

After all that, they let him in to work for the kingdom again, but on the condition that Cedric remembers that Sofia is the only reason he was even let back in and that he wasn’t just banished forever. Bro totally owns that debt to Sofia like he wouldn’t believe.

Essentially that’s the end of the episode. Overall, one of the best episodes in this series and everything about it is so, so noteworthy. I would rewatch this episode again. 1000000000/10, purple robed man did it, he fucked my psyche for real this time.

Shout out to the amazing writing of this arc and this episode that had me bawling over a show made for the 2-7 year old demographic...again!

[smiletimeisrunningout]

"Arian has hurt you -- and deeply. I don't take that sort of offense lightly."

"He did," she conceded, fighting to find her voice, "I humiliated myself... begging for his love while he shamed everything I was. Everything I did. And I... tried to be better for him, worked even harder... so I know what it feels like to give someone your whole heart and for it to still not be enough. Not even close. It tore me apart." it wasn't the whole story, naturally, but she wanted to at least try to explain why she was so scared of failing again. Why she already knew she couldn't take it.

"A poison without a cure." She nodded quickly glad he had reached that conclusion, but then he took it back: "And yet, there must be one -- before this moment, you seemed...y-you seemed genuinely content. Am I wrong in that?"

"You are not wrong, I was content, because I wasn't thinking of all the... complications and commitments and the future... It was just us. You and me. I didn't think." Her most common mistake. "Until now. But as soon as I'm confronted with reality, you can see that what looked like a cure was just an illusion. I'm still me," she finished dejectedly, wished she could change that part not just for her sake but his.

He challenged the fact that she could predict how things would turn out, pointing out that she hadn't seen his feelings coming in the first place, and she didn't know how to explain that she should have know from the mere fact that they had slept together, and people who had even just a little bit of romance in them would eventually develop feelings from that alone - she couldn't tell him that because it was insulting, it dismissed his emotions, and she didn't mean to do that, but she also couldn't believe that he'd have feelings for her. He had them for whatever he was imagining her to be, for the potential person, not the real one who was far less great.

Why would you ever think I'd cast you aside?

Because I'm not good enough for you. She looked at him from behind the pillow she was hugging tightly to her chest, wondering how she could make him understand that.

She didn't speak right away after he made his case, thinking of how to formulate an answer against all the impulses that were telling her to literally run out of there. "And what if I am right? Picture this," she lifted a hand to ask him time to speak, "Picture us... trying this, being together as a couple, hell picture us going back to Mysthaven, where we'd have to live on account of the fact that I'm the heir to the throne. And we are together... and I don't magically heal. You see other men have wives who can say I love you without crying, who never doubt their love either, who are normal, and won't wake up at night screaming like soldiers and won't get scared by the most innocuous things. Men who have a wife like the one you'd deserve. Do you think you can be happy? Don't tell me everything will be fine, tell me if you can be happy with a woman like me, who will not heal. I want you to think of what will happen if I don't, not to hope you'll manage to make me better."

She was saving both of them from disappointment and heartbreak by refusing to consider that time with him would fix everything. She was doing that, but it still hurt, and Emma closed her eyes for a moment and took a sigh, her voice growing smaller: "This is it. This is all I have, Benjamin. I can't give you anything more, there is no special secret part of me that you'll get by caring for me... This is as far as I go, you already saw my best."

Emma was quick to refuse his offer. "He hasn't... It was just me. It's not like that, he's not... he didn't physically hurt me. He didn't do much, it's me, I was just too soft. Still am. But thank you, really."

Benjamin frowned. "He may not have physically hurt you," he treaded, "but clearly, Arian has hurt you -- and deeply. I don't take that sort of offense lightly."

He knew he shouldn't push, and yet her vagueness was irksome. Where Emma was often so warm and forthright, and welcomingly open, Benjamin was finding it difficult to have her suddenly hold him out at arm's length.

With a great flop, Emma collapsed upon her bed, avoiding his eyes while drawing a pillow in against her chest. "I'm... not happy now, although it's hardly your fault," she murmured. "I wasn't trying to make a statement with that past tense, I just can't picture being happy right now. He has that effect on me."

"A poison without a cure," Benjamin observed, anxiously fiddling with his saber. "And yet, there must be one -- before this moment, you seemed...y-you seemed genuinely content. Am I wrong in that?"

Emma dropped the pillow, a look of helpless exasperation lancing across her features. "I am... too attached to you," she lamented. "If we keep... being so close... when you'll get tired of me, it will break my heart. I don't-I'm not good at dealing with that. And I'll have to go home and get ready to move on while heartbroken."

Aghast, Benjamin peered back at her in confusion. "What do you mean?" he demanded. "Do you claim to be a clairvoyant now? Can you truly know how I'll feel for you in our beginning, middle and end? Because something tells me you did not anticipate my feelings any more than I did -- and for that, I beg you to see reason." He stepped toward her, but didn't dare take a seat at her side. Eyes flashing, he gritted, "I care for you, Emma. In case it wasn't painfully obvious, I don't take sentiments of the heart lightly. When I feel, I feel deeply, strongly, too much. Why would you ever think I'd cast you aside?"

Emma was immovable. "Had I been able to stay detached, it would have been fine. But I can't, with you. We should go back to... just being friends who don't do more than hugging. And when my parents are done visiting all the places they need to see here, in a few weeks, I should go home. This way neither of us will get too hurt."

Benjamin drew up straight, a painful lump forming in his throat. "And that's what you want?" he prodded. "For us to ignore the shift, and instead take ten steps backward?" He scoffed, dragging a hand over his mouth. "Emma, what makes you think I can stay detached either? Why is running away from this -- whatever this is -- even a solution?" Pleadingly, he drew a hand over his chest. "Did you ever stop and think that maybe whatever you fear is pure and good? Something that won't hurt and maim?"

[linkspooky]

Yuji, Alone. 

I have been saying in my past few meta that Yuji has a really unhealthy way of viewing both himself, and his relationships with others. Yuji is excellent at reading the feelings of others and empathizing with them, and at the same time terrible at processing his own emotions, a trait he shares with Geto who he is once again paralleling this chapter by choosing to stew in isolation rather than reach out for support. 

Chapter 138 does an excellent job of showing how deep these issues run, which I will explain under the cut. 

1. Yuji and Geto

If I were to explain the unhealthy mindset Yuji has by simplifying it down to one sentenence, simply stated it would be “I want to help others, but I don’t want to accept help from other people.” 

Both Yuji and Geto are so motivated by empathy they feel like they are responsible for solving other people’s problems, and they often use other people rather than themselves as a reason to move. They’re actually selfless to a fault. In that, it’s a problem in their behavior. They do everything they do for other peope, so they have no idea what they themselves want. If Gojo is someone who has a strong self image, a strong set of beliefs, an idea of what he wants to do to the world, Geto and Yuji are people who try not to think about themselves at all. 

Not only does Yuji almost never critically exam his own motivations, but he also doesn’t think of his relationships with other people. 

This is something Yaga pointed out as a danger with Yuji’s way of going about things, all the way at the beginning of his arc. If you’re doing it because your grandpa told you so, then is it really something you want to do? When you die, is it going to be your grandpa’s fault too?

Yuji is someone who seems selfless on the surface, and to an extent he is, but just like Geto that’s not all there is to him. It’s something Gojo called out early on, Geto presented himself as someone selfless, motivated entirely by using his powers to protect others, but he was also doing so self righteously. 

To clarify what I mean by self righteous, Geto believed that he was doing something because it was the objective right thing to do, but actually it was just his own personal feelings. That’s why after Riko’s death forced him to critically examine himself, he realized he didn’t want to follow the rules of Jujutsu Society. 

Both Yuji and Geto pay attention to others, but also have the blinders on in regards to themselves, and that’s the parallel right there. Yuji says he is doing these things for other people, that his number one priority is to save them but that motivation is even deconstructed in the third chapter.

Yuji’s not actually doing this for purely altruistic reasons, but for selfish ones. He wanted to do something that nobody else could do. Yuji’s life was like a vaccuum before this point. He didn’t have any real friends, or anything he wanted to do. Suddenly he had a purpose basically gift wrapped and handed to him on his lap. 

Basically, Yuji and Geto both have this schewed way of seeing other people. They thing other people exist to validate their own existences. 

To put it simply. If Hidden Inventory Geto helps weak people than he’s valid. If Yuji helps people, then he’s valid. 

Not only is the way they view themselves built around how they help other people, but at the same time all of their relationships are built up on this as well. Relationships that are built upon shaky foundations will crumble apart easily when tested. 

Geto’s most important relationship was with Gojo, they had an intense chemistry and interaction with one another like they were made for each other. They were both good at naturally balancing each other out, Geto was the one who stood up to Gojo and acted like a tether, and Gojo ackonwledged Geto as his one and only. 

However, the relationship was also built on the idea that Gojo needed Geto. Geto was only able to view his relationships with other people in that way. Geto, wants to take care of people, wants to help people. However, eventually, he was left behind by Gojo who no longer needed him as a partner in combat. On top of that, Geto awoke to a higher purpose in ridding the world of cursed energy. Geto wants to be needed by somebody in the same sense that Yuji does, so for Geto at least being needed to save the whole world in his eyes, was just more important than maintaining his relationship with Gojo. 

Which is why both Geto and Yuji’s relationships fall apart. They are great at making relationshisps, but not at maintaining them. Attention is drawn to the fact that the trio has great chemistry with each other and get along well, but they’re also terrible at communicating with each other. 

"The seats... in my life... How should I put this? I don't want my heart to be affected by people who don't have a place there. Does that sound cold? Well, I guess there are also guys like you who brings their own chair and takes a seat." Translation by Miho.

Almost literally, I don’t want anyone who’s not a part of my life to try to talk to me or tell me what to do. Also the reference that Yuji is kind of different because Yuji just kind of walked into her life unannounced and invited himself there (this is how Yuji forms relationships with everyone.)

All three of them go behind each other’s backs and keep secrets from one another. All three of them avoid direct confrontation, Nobara even says she doesn’t really want anyone else even trying to tell her how to live her life. The Origin of Obedience arc shows that Nobara, Yuji and Megumi are all good at fighting together as a team, but also questioning if they have a healthy friendship outside of that?

Any relationship takes work, confrontation, arguments and even just plain old talking about things. However, someone who is primarily insecure in their relationships will not be able to do things.  Couples shouldn’t only argue, but couples who never argue is just as unhealthy. If you are so afraid that one argument is going to end a relationship, then your relationship was fragile to begin with. 

Yuji and Geto experience conditional relatinoships. In the sense that, they are only allowed to have friends, if they are helpful to those friends. They themselves are never allowed to ask for help. It’s true that Gojo was kind of blind to Geto’s faults, but also Geto would have never asked for help. Gojo could not see, and Geto deliberately hid things from them. 

Geto always makes his relationships on the condition that he is needed. When Gojo grew more independent, Geto took that as a sign that Gojo didn’t need him anymore and deliberately started to pull away.

Because, Geto isn’t ever allowed to be the one who needs someone else. 

2. Avoidant Attachment

This is just a personal theory of mine, but I think Yuji’s issues might even center around the psychological idea of attachment theory. Especially it’s since deliberately mentioned to Junpei, that Yuji never met his mother. 

Attachment theory is a complex idea, but basically it states that attachment to other people, that is the idea to form healthy relationships with family members, friends, romantic partners is learned instead of naturally present in us. It’s a skill people develop in their formative years. 

Those who show patterns of problematic attachment in childhood will continue the behavior into adulthood unless it’s corrected, because attachment is a skill that’s developed the same as anything else. Of the four categories, Yuji and Geto most resemble this one. 

Avoidant attachment: Children with an avoidant attachment tend to avoid parents or caregivers, showing no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger. This attachment style might be a result of abusive or neglectful caregivers. Children who are punished for relying on a caregiver will learn to avoid seeking help in the future.

Which goes further to explain how they can be so empathic towards other people, and yet the same time completely unable to maintain close relationships with them. It’s because, they avoid people at the same time. They don’t seek out help when they need it, because, deep down they view themselves as unworthy of the help. 

Geto did not immediately break after the trauma of losing Riko, it was the year of isolation after that where he slowly was consumed by his regrets. Geto got worse and worse over a period of time because he couldn’t handle his trauma in any healthy way, until he just completely snapped. 

During that time he asked himself the same questions over and over again, but Geto wasn’t able to find any kind of healthy answer to his questions because, he didn’t reach out for anybody. It wasn’t just the trauma, it was the behavior after the trauma, the decision to isolate himself for over a year. No one does well in isolation. You need other people to grow or develop. If anything Geto stagnated. Geto’s central flaw was his self-righteousness. Rather than realizing he was wrong and trying to change this flaw of his, he just doubles down and becomes even more self righteous. He goes from believing he’s responsible for protecting all the weak people, to believing he’s a superior being tasked with eliminating all the weak people in the world. So, it’s not really that Geto changed, moreso that he stagnated because he cut off all his relationships with other people. 

And isn’t Yuji doing the exact same thing right now? Yaga even points out this similaritiy between Geto and Yuji, that they try to carry every regret and burden they have on their own. 

It’s not out of selflessness that they do this though, but rather insecurity. Geto didn’t come to Gojo with his problems, because he wanted to be the strongest alongside Gojo he didn’t want to be weak. He was deliberately avoiding Gojo. 

I think it’s important to establish that Yuji wasn’t abandoned by his friends this chapter. Yuji is alone, because he chose to be alone. He’s alone because he’s avoiding both of his friends, because he’s so, so afraid the friendship will end because it’s based entirely on the condition that he be a helpful, good person.

It’s true that Yuji is genuinely worried about his friends getting hurt because of him, but look at his choices. He’s not really tackling the problem in a healthy way. He’s doing everything he can to avoid the problem, isolating himself, and just trying not to think about things. He could try to talk with Megumi and find a solution, but he’s not doing that because he’s insecure in his attachment to others. 

I think his reaction to Choso pretty clearly illustrates this too. Yuji isn’t around his friends because he doesn’t want to be around them. Which is tragic, because Yuji is holding himself responsible for the mass murder which isn’t really his fault. However, Yuji saw his relationship with both Nobara and Megumi as conditional to begin with. He can only be friends with people he can help, and he can never receive help from them. It’s unhealthy to start with because relationships go both ways. Yuji is also, completely unresponsive to Choso.

Yes. Choso suddenly walking to him and delcaring them brothers is really weird.  I don’t expect Yuji to just suddenly start getting along with him right away.

At the same time, Choso explains what the unconditional love between family is between Yuji, and Yuji just doesn’t get it, because he either hasn’t experienced enough of it, or his grandpa the only person that ever unconditionally loved him is gone. Yuji can’t understand Megumi’s love for him is unconditional,. because from the beginning he sees all relationships as conditional. 

Yuji and Choso are facing opposite direcitons because they’re opposites. Choso is willing to hurt complete strangers too, but his love for his family is unconditional and he will do anything for them. Yuji will help complete strangers, but, he doesn’t really understand unconditional love, and even his love with his closest friends has a few conditions. 

Which is why someone who appears on the surface as such a friendly guy who makes friends everywhere he goes, can call himself “a loner” because in Yuji’s mind he is. He doesn’t have friends, he has people who need him. 

Which is just incredibly sad because Yuji doesn’t understand this. Yuji isolates himself thinking he’s doing it for the sake of his friends, but neither Megumi nor Nobara would want him to be alone.