#will never forgive them for “Stewart is dead”

[give-bucky-his-boyfriend-back]

So I finished the Darkest Minds trilogy tonight and I feel empty.

What do I do now? I can't stop thinking about it aaaaagh

[raflovestuffs]

Blame's on me

Here's the story I'm finally done writing thanks to the help of my friend who helped me a LOT. This fic was a big challenge for me because I never wrote about the Avatar universe. But I felt in love with Jake and Neytiri's kids in ATWOW. Their story and the tragic ending moved me. And I felt the need to write about how Lo'ak finally accept he's not responsible of his brother's death. I need this comfort fic so I wrote it. And I was inspired by so many people in this fandom! I thank them for helping me making this fic the best possible.

Finally, here are two songs that inspired me to describe Lo'ak's emotions: Blame by Graves and Blame's on me by Alexander Stewart which gave the name of this one shot.

Also I did some of the prompts @movietimegirl shared :)

I hope you'll enjoy this story as much as I do. Please give me feedbacks so I can know what you thought of it! See you soon folks!

...

Alone. 

Misunderstood.

As far back as he could remember, Lo'ak had always felt all alone.

But his brother was dead. And now he felt the loneliness more than ever. He realized that, before today, he had never really been alone. Neteyam had always been by his side. And it took his death to realize that.

Neteyam, his lifelong protector, had died protecting him one last time. He would have to go on without him. And it was all his fault, he knew it. If he hadn't forced him to go back for Spider, Neteyam wouldn't have been shot, and he would still be alive.

Although Lo'ak had always felt left out, Neteyam had always been there for him and often made up for his mistakes. His habit of putting himself in danger had killed his brother. He would never forgive himself. 

All the events of the last few months came back to his mind in succession. Lo'ak regularly endangered his brothers and sisters. He had deliberately disobeyed his father to retrieve weapons during the maglev raid, and his brother had almost died in the attack. Then he had endangered his sisters and even Spider by taking them to the old shack where they had met Quaritch... he couldn't help but feel that he was the reason for their escape. At least, taking refuge within the Metkayina clan had allowed him to meet Tsireya and Payakan. But then again, during the battle, Lo'ak had left his sisters in the hands of Quaritch, and they had all nearly drowned... All the mistakes that he didn’t see.

"You've done enough." 

His father was right. 

Neteyam died because of him. He knew it was too late for apologies. It was all his fault. 

"Alien, that’s all they see."

His brother had tried to love him when he hated himself. Lo'ak was an outcast, they were all right to reject him.

He was no good for anyone. His presence only hurt the others. Everyone was probably better off without him anyway. He had seen the pain in his mother's eyes. He knew that his presence alone reminded her that he was the only reason for her immeasurable sadness. And he didn't want to inflict that on her. 

So Lo'ak stayed alone, in a far corner of the village. He took refuge near the mangroves, a place with dense vegetation where he could vanish without trace. But it was at the foot of the mangroves that he came to rest and think. Where natural terraces of rocks overlooking the sea had formed. It was his and Tsireya's secret place. She taught him the way of water here. The rocky bank opened up into a large hole more than ten meters deep. Lo'ak, as a forest boy, had room for improvement but she had taken the time to teach him. To teach them. 

He would balance between the rocks and then sit on the edge, gazing out at the endless ocean for hours, his eyes lost in the horizon. Tsireya had come to see him a few times. She had sat next to him, she had tried to talk to him. But no words could come out of his mouth. So she just sat there, beside him, silent. He knew how lucky he was to have her as her friend. She could see into him. But he felt unworthy. She and Neteyam were also very close, he knew they talked about him behind his back. And he had torn that away from her too.

The only one he could still confide in was Payakan, his spiritual brother, who he was perched on right now.

"Payakan, how am I going to move forward without him?" the teenager breathed, lying on the animal's massive shell.

"Be patient Lo'ak," uttered Payakan. 

"You know what I told him before all of this happened?" He stood up, waving his hands.

"I told him you were my brother... that I would never be him... the perfect son..." 

His eyes darkened.

"Oh Payakan... what have I done..." 

The boy looked down at his hands as if they were still soaked with his brother's blood. 

"It's no use blaming yourself," his friend tried to reassure him.

Lo'ak said nothing. He thought of his brother. He would do whatever he could to make him say "it's okay" again,to make him tell that everything would go back to the way it was. He hated just what it came to. He lost him, now he felt lost. But he couldn't hold it against him, only he was to blame. Just like Payakan, he would have to pay for it the rest of his life. 

Did that make him a killer? 

He sat up, bringing his legs up to him and wrapping his arms around them. He tried to hold back the tears but felt them burning his eyes. Sobbing, the boy buried his head in his lap and let the sadness flow out of him. 

...

"Lo'ak!"

His name had come to him like a distant echo. He thought he recognized a familiar voice. Once he had gathered his wits, he looked up to try to distinguish where the call was coming from. It was Kiri and Spider, he should have known. The darkness was waiting for him.  They were always supposed to be home by eclipse...

When his sister arrived at his level, she simply put her hand on his shoulder and smiled sincerely.

"Lo'ak, it's time to go home."

If Kiri had come all the way here accompanied by Spider, it was because their parents must have been worried about him not coming home. She was playing her big sister role by bringing him back before they got too worried. The young na'vi did not flinch and gladly followed her after saying goodbye to Payakan. 

When they reached the village, Lo'ak was surprised to see Norman's avatar there talking with his father. He approached him with a smile.

"Norm, I didn't expect to see you here!” 

For the first time in a while, Lo'ak had surprised himself with a sense of joy. Seeing Norm again felt so good.

"Hey boy! It's good to see you!" he said, giving him a hug. "Spider needed an oxygen refill so I came to bring it. Without a helicopter this time..."

He realized at that moment that he must have felt responsible for them being spotted by Quaritch before the big fight. 

"I know about Neteyam. I'm sorry," Norm told him sincerely.

He had watched them grow up. It must have been heartbreaking for him too. Norm was part of the family, he was like an uncle to them. Lo'ak hated himself even more. He nodded sadly. Norm patted him affectionately on the back before letting the boy go. The teenager greeted his parents briefly before heading for their marui. 

Turning back to Jake, Norm sighed.

"How’s he doing?"

"He does what he can as we all do. But it's really hard for him. We barely see him anymore."

"Have you two been talking?"

Jake pursed his lips. He knew for a fact that talking with his son would help him accept what had happened, it would help them both. But it was all still too fresh. And the truth is, he didn't even know what to say to him. Lo'ak was young, death was still a complex concept at that age.

"Jake..." Norm breathed, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"I know... but what do you want me to tell him?"

The avatar laid a loving hand on his friend's shoulder. 

"Have you told him about Tom yet?"

Jake sighed. Tommy. 

"Well, maybe you should," Norm continued.

Norm was right, Jake knew. He had hardly mentioned Tom's name in the presence of his sons. 

He watched Lo'ak in the distance, eating his meal away from the rest of the clan. He couldn't help but see himself in him. In fact, Neteyam and Lo'ak reminded him a lot of him and Tom. Neteyam was very wise and quiet by nature, and resembled his twin in every way, while Lo'ak had inherited more of his personality traits, especially his rebellious side. In Neteyam's shadow, Lo'ak was trying to carve out a place for himself, just as his father did when everything his older brother did was a success - the great scientist. Jake had wanted to give meaning to his life and that is why he joined the military. He believed he had found something worth fighting for. Then he lost the use of his legs. And Tom got killed. Nothing made sense anymore. Just like today.

But Neteyam's death was still too recent. When the time was right, he would talk to Lo'ak.

"Not today, Norm."

Jake stood up to come sit next to his son, out of the way.

"Hey son..." he breathed, pausing to make sure he had Lo'ak's attention. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," the interested party replied unconvincingly.

"Your mother is worried about you," his father insisted before adding "...and so am I."

"Like that matters..." the boy then sighed, deliberately avoiding his father's gaze.

"Lo'ak..."

Jake's face broke down. Talking to his youngest son had always been difficult and the current situation wasn't helping. He had lost a son, but Lo'ak had lost a brother. A situation he knew all too well and it reminded him of how similar he and Lo'ak were in their fate. He only hoped that time would allow them to heal their wounds. 

It was time for their family to come together.

…

Tomorrow, it was decided. The Sullys had gathered their belongings to return to their people for a while. They were going back to the Omatikaya clan to replenish their resources and gather supplies, mainly weapons and medicine. 

Straddling her ikran, Neytiri kissed Tuktirey's forehead. 

"Let's go home."

The same rain that had led them to the sea people led them back to the forest people. The eight-hour flight on the back of their ikrans was exhausting. They arrived drained, their limbs weighed down and dehydrated. They suffered in every way possible, but it was worth it. Because Neytiri needed to be reunited with her people, and so did the children. 

The Tree of Souls stood before them with Mo'at at its base. No words were needed. She took her daughter in her arms, sucking in all the pain that was hers. Mo'at knew. And who better than a mother to understand the pain of a grieving mother? They were soon joined by Kiri and Tuk. The latter  threw herself into her grandmother's arms. 

Around them, the Omatikaya people flocked to meet them. There were hugs, there were pats, and words of compassion: "Ngaytxo", "Eywa ngahu", echoes of apologies from the people showing their support. There was this oppressive atmosphere of sadness and grief.

Jake couldn’t breathe.

He hadn't felt such an intense struggle since the time he almost suffocated to death: his lungs emptying of their oxygen. But right now it was worse: he felt like he wasn't alive. It was too heavy, he couldn't stand there and pretend everything was okay. He needed to be alone to take time to process his pain.

In the midst of all this, Lo'ak was also suffering. He looked around at all the people with anxiety, wondering if they blamed him for his brother's death. Did they know what happened or did they only know that Neteyam was gone forever?

His mother drew him out of his thoughts: 

"Where’s your father?" 

"I'm going to look for him," Lo'ak replied, without thinking.

…

The forest of Pandora.

Jake felt as if he had left it years ago when it had only been a few months. It had seemed like an eternity. To find himself there, the place that had made him fall in love, it brought him comfort. He could breathe again. He wandered without thinking of where he was going, he let himself be guided by his steps. Then he stopped dead in his tracks. This place, this light, this greenery, these waterfalls, this lake... it was the place where he used to fish with his oldest son. He crouched down at the water's edge, as if Neteyam was going to show him his latest catch. A big one, without a doubt.

But nothing happened. He was alone here. And the only face he could see in the water’s reflection was his own. He looked miserable with his eyes eaten away by fatigue and his wounds still very apparent. He saw a tear roll down his cheek. He looked away to look in the distance. He saw himself washing the lifeless body of his son beside Neytiri again, this image haunted him. He broke down in tears, letting it all out. Jake mourned the death of his son for the first time.

...

Lo'ak walked deeper into the forest. Following familiar paths, he hoped to run into his father. He couldn't have gone far anyway. It must have been a few minutes since he realized he was gone.

A noise attracted him. He looked up. Sobs. It was a man crying. And that man was none other than his own dad. Lo'ak could not believe it, he had never seen his father cry. It was only when he saw him in the distance, kneeling on the ground, one hand on his forehead, looking down at the water at his feet, that he could believe what he had heard. His father was crying.

Lo'ak approached and without even realizing it, he stood behind him not knowing what to say. Jake hadn't even noticed his presence.

When Neytiri had asked him to go look for his father, Lo'ak had thought he would simply tell him his mom was looking for him and then take him back to the village. But now that he had found him, he understood the reason why his father had slipped away. Asking him to return was the last thing he wanted to do.

And the reason beyond that was that in his dad’s presence, Lo'ak felt the need to justify himself. He felt the need to apologize, to ask his dad to blame him, to put Neteyam's death on his shoulders and not his. 

"I'm sorry he's not here with us," Lo'ak began.

Jake looked up, realizing he was no longer alone. 

"I'm not like him, I wish I was, but I'm just an alien, demon blood. I'm sorry I'm not the son you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I’m not him..."

"Lo'ak..." Jake whispered, trying to stop him.

But the teenager barely took a breath between each sentence, his thoughts moving faster than his speech. He was hyperventilating, spitting out all his words like stones that he wanted to get rid of his heart as soon as possible. 

"I'm sorry, it's all my fault. I should have listened to you, but then again, I wanted to do things my way and it led him to death. It should have been me. I'm sorry I killed him!"

As he said this last sentence, Lo'ak burst into tears. He looked down to avoid his father's gaze, he didn't want him to feel sorry for him, pretty much on the contrary.

"Remember I told you I had a brother?" Jake asked abruptly to his son, breaking the silence. 

"Um... yes. Tom, I think his name was," Lo'ak sniffed.

"That's right, Tom, my twin brother."

"But you never really talk about him."

And there was a good reason for that.

"He's dead. He got shot, too."

Lo'ak looked up at his father.

"Dad... I didn't know. I thought he was on Earth."

"The reason I came to Pandora the reason all of this happened was because he died. I was offered to take over his contract, to pilot his avatar," Jake confessed.

"You mean you could have never come?" asked Lo'ak, clearly surprised.

"Well... Tom was a great scientist, he studied hard to come to Pandora. He was brilliant, he was good at everything. The Avatar mission was his dream."

"Weren't you interested in that?"

"I grew up hearing about it, but I never figured  I’d be going there. Tommy had been preparing for this his whole life, he was the one looking for answers.”

"Did you two get along well?"

"To tell you the truth, he and I were very different. I preferred to go out, to go on adventures, whereas he was very calm by nature, he liked to read a lot. We used to read together, we loved the heroes of Greek mythology..."

Lo'ak didn't understand everything his dad talked about, but he was glad to know that he had a brother and that he could understand him.

"It must have been hard… losing him."

Jake remembered the night his brother died like it was yesterday.

"You know, the night before he died, the two of us met at a bar to talk. It was to tell me he was officially leaving for Pandora in a week. I wanted to celebrate with him, cause I knew we wouldn't see each other again for a long time. It takes  six years to get here, you know. But he didn't want to stay, he had things to do, he wanted to go back and I didn't hold him back. After that, I found out that a guy with a gun shot him, for the paper in his wallet."

Jake left his sentence hanging. He hadn't thought about it in quite a while, but discussing it with his son made him realize that he could help him.

"You don't know how much I blame myself for what happened."

"But it wasn't your fault! It was that guy who killed him! You didn't do it!" Lo'ak became revolted.

And that was exactly the reaction Jake was expecting. He put his hands on his son's shoulders and looked him straight in the eye.

"Just as you are not responsible for your brother's death, Lo'ak." 

The young boy looked away, holding back tears.

"Son, you meant well, it wasn't your fault."

Lo'ak suddenly realized that his father felt as guilty as he did, and despite all this, he had moved on, admitting that the real culprit laid elsewhere. Lo'ak snuggled into his father's arms. Jake held him tightly to his heart.

When he ended their embrace, Jake rubbed the top of his head in the same way Neteyam used to do with Lo'ak, reminding him he was the one who taught him this move in the first place.

"Let's go find your mom." 

…

Utralä (a)Nawm

We are all seeds

ayrina’l(u) ayoeng,

of the great tree

A peyä tìtxur mì hinam awngeyä

whose strength is in our legs

N(a) aysangek afkeu,

like the mighty trunks,

Mì pun

in our arms

N(a) ayvul ahusawnu,

as sheltering branches

M(ì) aynar

in our eyes

Na seze

the blue-flower

A ’ong ne tsawke.

which unfolds the sun

Utralä (a)Nawm

we are all seeds

ayrina’ l(u) ayoeng,

of the great tree

A peyä tìrol m(ì) awnga.

whose song is within us.

The Na’vi say that there is no death, only change. The Sully's life would never be the same again. All the events they faced for several months had changed them. They were forest people, but they were also sea people now: Neteyam rested with their ancestors. Once the Remembrance Ceremony was over, they gathered as a family with Mo'at to honor the memory of their son and brother one last time. 

A few days later, it was already time for them to leave. Staying here too long could put the People in danger and that was the last thing they wanted after all that had happened. Restocked with medical and military supplies, they were ready to return to the place they now called kelku, home, knowing that it was only a “see you soon” not a farewell.

...

When she saw the Sully return, Tsireya felt that Lo'ak's relationship with her father had changed.

That evening, Tsireya sat down beside Lo'ak. Without saying a word, she simply rested her head on his shoulder, affectionately stroking his chest to calm his breathing, as she used to do during their training sessions. She closed her eyes as if lulled by the steady rise of his chest. No words were needed, they were just happy to feel each other's presence again.

"You know, I've talked to my dad," Lo'ak confided to her after a moment.

She had suspected it, but she was so happy that he confided in her that she didn't let him know.

"I'm so glad you finally were able to talk to your dad. Told you he would understand," she breathed before adding, "I'm so proud of you Lo'ak."

"Thank you, Tsireya, for being my friend."

He placed his hand on the one Tsireya had placed over his heart earlier and smiled at her.

She smiled back at him, revealing the dimples that Lo'ak had a secret adoration for. . 

The look on her face, however, changed to a more serious one. She put both hands around his face.

"Lo'ak, I think you’re ready to see your brother now." 

Lo'ak knew she was right. But he wasn't sure he could do it. What if he couldn't connect with him? 

"Tsireya, I don't know if I..." he choked as he placed his hand over hers.

"You have to," she insisted, her eyes moist.

She paused to hold back a sob. It saddened her to see Lo'ak so alone. She was sure that seeing her brother again would allow him to finally accept what had happened and move on. 

"He's waiting for you, Lo'ak," she whispered, like a prayer.

The boy took her in his arms.

"You're right," he whispered in her ear as he tightened his embrace. "I'll go to the Tree of Souls early tomorrow morning.

From their marui, Neytiri watched the scene fondly. 

"I'm glad Lo'ak was able to find a friend in Tsireya, who truly understands him." 

Her gaze turned to Jake, who squeezed her hand in response. They smiled at each other.

…

The light of day was barely palpable when Lo'ak climbed down from the hammock in which he had been sleeping earlier. Without a sound, he unhooked it from the ends of the marui, rolled it up and put it away in a corner. He had finally found the will to go and see his brother, but he did not want to be disturbed in his solemn approach.

The village was surprisingly quiet. Everyone was asleep and he didn't cross paths with panyone on his way. All he had to do was call his ilu who would lead him to the Tree of Souls. 

It was still a big journey and it gave him time to think. A thousand times he had thought of turning back, dreading the moment of reunion too much. But on the other hand, he couldn't help thinking about his dad's confidences, about his past and about his brother. He didn't want to have any regrets.

The Tree of Souls loomed under his feet. He took a deep breath and dived down to find his brother.

...

"Neteyam?" 

Lo'ak looked around for his brother. He couldn't see him anywhere. What if...?

"My baby bro!" a voice came from behind him.

Lo'ak immediately turned around. He smiled as he saw his older brother facing him.

"So the mighty warrior is being grounded. No flying for a month huh?" his older brother teased him, patting his head affectionately.

"I deserved it... You almost got killed because of me..." replied Lo'ak, using a more serious tone.

"Oh that? It was nothing... Grandma treated me well, I should be able to get away with it!" Neteyam joked.

"Come here, I'm not done with you!" 

Kiri had just grabbed him by the shoulders to sit him down to apply more solution to his wounds.

"Ouch!" 

He gritted his teeth.

"Hold still, this should ease your pain."

Seeing his brother in pain, Lo'ak's face darkened.

"Don't make that face, baby brother!" Neteyam reassured him, "What did Dad ask you to do? Taking care of the ikrans I bet..."

He felt the tears come to his eyes. 

"Neteyam... if I had listened to you, none of this would have happened..." he paused, thinking about how recent events had kept coming. "I promise I’ll listen to you from now on..."

Neteyam looked at Lo'ak with seriousness. He placed a loving hand on his brother's shoulders and looked him in the eye.

"Don't blame yourself, baby brother, we couldn't have foreseen what would happen. None of this is your fault Lo'ak. Promise me you'll forgive yourself, okay bro?"

Despite everything that happened, his brother had forgiven him. 

"I promise," he conceded before throwing himself into his arms, finally letting his tears fall.

"I'll always be there for you Lo'ak. Always."

[phtalogreenpoison]

Reynie Muldoon part 4

For my fourth and final post about the lovely Reynie Muldoon, I would like to focus on his friendships and his growth as a person.  I will be focused more on some of Riddle of Ages stuff later, so beware if you’re worried about spoilers.  Of course a few of the things that he worries more about are both his trust in the goodness of others as well as learning to reach out to the people he does trust to truly listen to their opinions.

Now as we all here love SQ Pedalian, I might as well start with him.  As I am familiar only really with book canon, I will be drawing mostly from that.  In the first book, he mostly interacts with Reynie as one would between an Executive and Messenger (plus probably more I am not remembering), but the interactions that stick out to me between Reynie and SQ are mostly during the second and third books.  Namely, when Reynie tricks SQ into him being handcuffed instead of the society, and they have to just leave him there so they can all escape, this betrays SQ’s trust in him and more largely causes him to question their goodness.  In fact, it risks that SQ might never learn to let go of Curtain, but it’s what they had to do if they wanted to get out of there.  Does it make this decision hurt any less?  Any less of a struggle of whether it’s morally grey?  No.  But by the third book, when SQ is supposed to be guarding the society, he agrees to Reynie’s idea (at least I think it is) to just talk in their general direction so SQ can give information to the society without disobeying his order to not speak to their group in the prison.  And the fact that it’s enough for SQ to help them, even though he’s been hurt and betrayed, even though there seemed to be few choices, even though he decides to save Curtain’s life (who had decided by that point he would rather just let himself die under the crane rather than be humiliated but that’s a whole other story), is something brilliant that speaks to the fantastic, beautiful goodness of SQ Pedalian.  Yes, he is a victim of Curtain’s influence, but he sees something in the friendship of these four kids.  Perhaps even Reynie’s cleverness reminded him of his father figure in a messed up but significantly healthier way.  And maybe he saw that Reynie felt backed into a corner, and maybe that was enough to forgive what happened by the time the third story rolled around.

So obviously Reynie has the goodness in himself that he sometimes he fears is lacking, but I really do think that is his insecurities creeping up on him.  The way he is such an older brother to Constance, how they both have a special understanding of each other of knowing their parents are completely dead and gone (not that Kate and Sticky’s situations didn’t hurt any less, but the hurt is different).  He reminds me more of Rhonda, and Constance reminds me more of Number Two, and they balance each other out pretty similarly and well.  And yes, in Riddle of Ages, Constance is rightfully upset and afraid that they have just started seeing her as a child and not an equal, particularly coming from Reynie.  And while he may not have approached it in the right way, he reveals that he helped plan it all this way because he CARES about Constance.  He loves her; that’s his baby sister.  He would fight tooth and nail to protect her, and he learns to admit when he was wrong and should have listened to her as his anchor.  This is why, in addition to them all being really good friends, they easily mend the gap in their friendship when it mattered most once they all let their feelings out.   

Now with Kate, they move from being good friends talking about chickens in the second book, to in the third book Reynie (along with Sticky) sacrificing himself to make sure she gets out okay and accomplish her part of the mission.  And how she is furious at him but understands that it comes out of a place of love.  And the brilliance in Trenton Lee Stewart’s writing in the parallel in Riddle of Ages where Kate KNOWS what Reynie is trying to do, how this plays off of self-esteem and trust issues that everyone he loves will turn out okay.  He is trying to make her part in the mission easier because he knows it is statistically unlikely for her to get the job done, even if it would make Sticky, Constance, and Reynie’s jobs harder.  But she reads right through him and does what she knows she can do, especially as it drastically increases their chances of survival. 

Finally, Sticky.  I’ll have you know, I had no ships regarding the first three books when I reread them, except that awwww Kate and Martina and also Reynie and Sticky are cute babies.  But by the fourth book, Reynie’s friendship with Sticky reads as devotion.  Whether that be platonic or romantic is up to the reader’s interpretation of the text (and is textually just seems to be platonic but hey interpretation is there for a reason), but their rift in friendship is the one that seems the most distressing in a certain way to Reynie, the one person he is most worried about losing their regard and closeness.  Sticky is Reynie’s first friend if you think about it, and they connect with a certain kind of bookishness and not being like the average kid in a nerd kind of way, making this friendship extra special.  Which makes the scenes in Riddle of Ages where he waits for Sticky to come up to him instead of turning around and inviting him in, where he doesn’t want Sticky to go to the control room even though it makes the most sense because he’s worried he’ll get hurt, so much so he has to hug him close before he goes, where he is relieved he can use his nickname again because of what it symbolizes between them and the rest of their friendship that much more special.  

How he learns he can be multiple people all rolled into one: he is Miss Perumal’s adopted son, Constance and Kate and Sticky’s best friend, Mr. Benedict’s mentee, a child, now an adult, an orphan, and finally part of a family.  He learns that the goodness of people can still exist, and he protects that fiercely by learning to trust and be there for his people. 

[thegeminisage]

star trek update time!! saturday we watched voy's "jetrel" and ds9's "family business" and last night we did voy's "learning curve" and ds9's "shakaar."

jetrel (voy):

this came so, so, so close to being one of my voyager must-sees, and i actually really did like most of it, but the wild out-of-nowhere turn at the end really ruined it for me

i was very VERY surprised that the guy playing neelix like, fucking acted this so well. love and light to the tng cast but i don't know that any of them could cry on cue except of course sir patrick stewart, whose character i sadly don't care about

i also loved neelix's story about the traps... "i had become so fascinated with my invention i never thought about how the poor creatures would suffer" aimed directly at the man responsible for the mass murder of his people was really good

AND i thought he and kes were really sweet this episode. he's worried about their differing lifespans which is spirkcore :(

that said...i mean this in the most disrespectful was possible...this felt like a tng episode at the beginning and end. like the middle was REALLY good. it brought a lot of depth to neelix. but the fucking atom bomb apologism happening in this episode was like. reprehensible lmao

first, we've got janeway in the beginning...like, the scene where neelix tells her who this guy is and about what happened to his family was SO good. she was appropriately horrified and they both acted the hell out of it. she even acts as go-between so neelix doesn't have to talk to this guy!

but then, why let him on board at all? why try to go back to neelix and convince him to see him? and she jumps at the chance to fly out to the moon this guy DESTROYED if it means a chance to cure neelix - without asking neelix's opinion first. she trusts this guy WAY too easily. i will never fucking understand society's obsession with stanning oppenheimer as like, someone cool and fascinating worthy of this kind of dissection. if anything, he's a cautionary tale.

then we have the end, which came out of NOWHERE...neelix is a deserter because he disagreed with what his people were doing? we didn't get so much of a mention as to what his people were doing prior to this moment right here, so it does absolutely nothing to complicate the issue and everything to muddy it. it's then muddied FURTHER five seconds later when he's like well no i deserted bc i was a coward! like, which is it, was it a moral thing or a being afraid of death thing? it's fine if he doesn't know and it's fine if we're not supposed to know but i think if we're not supposed to know we should be TOLD that

also like. surely "we had to drop the atom bomb on the civilian populations as a show of power" was an old tired argument even in 1995. it's not original.

finally, kes saying that neelix didn't need to hate jetrel and she knows that all along his hatred has been aimed at himself...IT CAN BE BOTH. you can have survivor's guilt and you can hate the person who bombed your home out of existence. and HAVING survivor's guilt/deserting the army is NOT an equal crime to dropping the fucking ATOM BOMB and it doesn't make neelix "just as bad" like it's not the fucking gotcha these writers think it is. kes is essentially telling him he SHOULD feel guilty and hate himself for surviving, except not really, because hating people is bad, so he should forgive himself AND jetrel

DESPITE. BY THE WAY. JETREL LYING TO ALL OF THEM THE ENTIRE TIME. scene fucking one and neelix is like no we can't trust that guy and HE WAS RIGHT

neelix isn't dying and jetrel isn't trying to find a cure, he is trying to reassemble those poor people to ease his own conscience (which would do more harm than good, the person they tried to bring back was obviously sufering, like that one alien from emanations). and still janeway and kes were like but neelix he's so sad about it

the lesson of this episode SHOULD have been "you can't bring back the dead and you MUST value life over scientific achievement" but instead it was "let's forgive oppenheimer even though he doesn't deserve it because we're so fascinated by the fact that he feels kinda guilty."

they could have fixed this so easily but cutting the forgiveness scene and having kes tell neelix literally anything other than "you're not being fair to oppenheimer here :(" like this devils advocate both sideism shit is SO tng it's physically painful. all we had to do was condemn mass murder. it's not hard! this was almost voyager's version of duet from ds9. SIGH

AND LIKE. lmao sorry i came back to edit this bullet in. i just re-skimmed the transcript and the way neelix was like maybe the bomb was punishment for all of us...for our hatred...so you think japanese CITIZENS needed to be punished for their GOVERNMENT entering ww2? absolutely fucking appalling. not only that, but it can't be your end line and your final gutpunch moment when NO effort was expended on telling us anything about the war or what neelix's people were doing that was so bad the CHILDREN deserved to be bombed

at the very least, it did make me like and become interested in neelix as a character. i didn't DISLIKE him before, i love his little jackets, etc etc etc, but it's not the same as knowing his whole deal. and KNOWING amount of pain he's been through puts a new perspective on his general attitude - many other characters with neelix's backstory would be surly, angry, have trouble connecting with others, typical edgelords etc. and i LOVE those kinds of guys. but neelix CHOOSES to be cheerful and silly and sweet and gentle, and i really love that too.

also, final note, even though it involves the holodeck, i wouldn't be mad if pool became voyager's poker. i like them having a Thing!

family business (ds9):

i dont really...understand the point of ferengi episodes. like, some episodes are hah arent ferengi funny little guys! which, aside from ferengi themselves being antisemetic stereotypes, is fine. i hate them, but other people like them, so whatever. but the episode with the cross-dressing ferengi and especially the mom...theyre like hey it sucks to be a woman ferengi! and quark's like yeah but that's not my problem. and they argue about it the whole episode like quark will you change your mind ever? and he's like no. and theyre like ok then bye. they either part ways or his mom agrees to start following ferengi laws again or whatever

like, i don't think this episode really developed quark as a character...it did shed some light on how he grew up, but considering the sheer level of misogyny happening to his mother, i found it really hard to care about any aspects of his tragic backstory about not being the favorite child or whatever. rom is so much more likable and you actually feel bad for him because he could have been great with the robotics etc and was stuck being quark's henchman

like, i swear every time they say female i want to tell them to go back to reddit.

like, i'm not a total killjoy here. sometimes misogyny is funny, like in that episode where scotty gets possessed by piglet and keeps serial killing women. 10/10 one of my all-time favs. but somehow, and trust me ik it's all subjective, ferengi stuff feels worse than that.

i feel like "females arent allowed to wear clothes!" was a one-off line in the worst season of the worst star trek show (the introduction of the ferengi was SO BAD they scrapped them as series-long villains) and they took that and ran with it and were like teehee but it's okay because it's their CULTURE we have to respect other CULTURES that's the prime directive TONY YOU CHOSE. TO WRITE THE CULTURE LIKE THAT. GROW A PAIR.

edit i nearly forgot sisko meeting that lady was so cute. get it. valid b-plot

learning curve (voy):

this was tuvok's galileo seven. to veer slightly off topic here, my issue w galileo seven is that there's a bit where spock goes "ah my first command how could it have all gone so wrong" despite having actively ignored or belittled everyone's emotions during this highly emotional time. spock is not FUCKING stupid. he works with humans. he lived with a human mother growing up. he is in fact: half human. he knows how emotions work. he knows that if a spaceship is crashed and a guy dies there will be unpleasant emotions happening. and yet somehow he is surprised that, when not taking human emotion into account or allowing for its existence, things go poorly. HE WOULD NOT FUCKING SAY THAT. he knows, better than anyone on earth, the difference between humans and vulcans

tuvok is not half-human but he is also not an idiot. he's worked with janeway for years and he was quite literally an undercover agent with the maquis. he knows how they do things and what they value. he taught humans AT THE ACADEMY for YEARS. he can meet them in the middle!!! vulcans don't do emotions but they do HAVE AND UNDERSTAND them and whoever wrote this episode did not understand tuvok

like, the entire reason for the lessons was to make the maquis guys feel more at home. boot camp does not make people feel more at home. it breaks them down and builds them up but the thing is people go to boot camp mostly willingly, or, in this universe they go willingly. the maquis guys did not ask to be here. they do not want to be here. you can't just fix them with boot camp

also, the way janeway and chakotay hatched this plan and then threw tuvok into the deep end...nobody was going to them to be like hey why do we need to be doing this, they were talking to tuvok.

i did REALLY like chakotay hitting that guy on the grounds of how outrageously problematic it is. he's like YOU WANT TO DO THINGS THE MAQUIS WAY? and then just suckerpunched and said he'd KEEP beating the shit out of him until he followed orders. absolutely horrific, totally uncalled for, and completely out of line. i fucking loved it. i wish we got more of chakotay trying to find the balance between maquis and starfleet people bc that really feels like it should be HIS plot and arc - he fits in well with both but also feels a little alienated by both at times. the true spock of this series

speaking of spock, there was SOME justice for galileo seven - in that episode, there's a b-plot involving one of the guys potentially having to stay behind because of the weight limit. i assumed the entire time spock was coldly talking about this plan that he intended for HIMSELF to be the man who stayed behind, thereby both redeeming him from his earlier mistakes AND illustrating he did understand emotion and value life...and then it got abandoned and not brought up again. so when tuvok forbid the ensign to save his friend because HE HIMSELF intended to run back into danger and do it, that was a little cathartic i cannot lie. still a bad concept overall though.

neelix moment!! neelix noticed when tuvok sat on the wrong side of the table <3 i wish they had more scenes together, they're such a funny little pair

i liked tuvok and that one guy playing pool together, at least in concept. i still think the concept of this episode is bad, but hearing about maquis experiences, letting them voice their concerns and air their grievances, directly to starfleet people, would probably go a long way towards mutual understanding. they're all stuck out here, but tuvok's wife of 67 years is waiting for him at home and the only girl this maquis guy ever loved got raped and murdered. i was a little iffy on that by the way but i think i'm so used to tv censoring stuff like that that it feels ballsy for them to just SAY it instead of using euphemisms. even tos couldn't have got away with that, and it doesn't FEEL like they're doing it for shock value or (like in tng) for fetish reasons. it's a running trend in ds9 that they're not afraid to do an unflinching portrayal of like, the violence of colonizers and occupiers, and i think in this particular scene voyager was attempting to channel some of that energy, and it mostly succeeded, it's just that the rest of the episode sucked so bad.

the b-plot of this episode was quite charming. the cheese which infected the biomechanical ship. GET THAT CHEESE TO SICKBAY! 10/10 lines and credit where it is due

shakaar (ds9):

i have become the very thing i sought to destroy because despite my intense dislike of the word bitch, and the fact that i almost never use it otherwise, i am readily shouting it at my screen every time kai wynn opens her fucking mouth. i HAVE to stop. it's turning me into a misogynist. it's turning me into a fucking ferengi.

that said, she is a bitch and i hate her so much!!! i didn't even LIKE bareil and she still needs to get his name out of her mouth. jesus christ on a bike

this episode is kinda similar to learning curve in that we're presented with a few one-off characters we are likely to only see a few times from now if at all (shakaar himself excluded, i'm pretty sure he and kira date later) and asked to care about them. ds9 did a much better job at establishing the kind of camaraderie you really care about...the story about the guy giving up his arm and feeling lucky hit even harder than the dead girlfriend maquis guy story. and i REALLY liked how at home kira was with them, in a different way than she is on ds9...never forget she is and always will be a bajoran terrorist and GOOD for her.

i feel like we could have gone more into why wynn wanted those soil thingies so bad. was it because she wanted to boost her image up by exporting shit again or is she just a horrible control freak? meanwhile the planet is starving and she was already a sure win since no one was opposing her...shot her own damn self in the fucking foot

i liked shakaar actually, and i'm not looking forward to him and kira breaking up eventually even though it's got to happen before kira/odo, because they either break up because he is a bad person and she'll be sad, or because he doesn't want her anymore and she'll be sad, or because he's dead and she'll be sad. please treat her really niceys

anyway it was great because kira realized she couldn't kill a fellow bajoran and put her weapon down and i was TOTALLY expecting him to be like whats wrong with you arent you on our side have you sold out to starfleet have you gone soft i cant believe you'd pussy out now BUT THEN HE ALSO. PUT HIS WEAPON DOWN. AND THEY JUST TALKED ABOUT IT. so many times serialized tv rely on plots that only work if everybody is fucking stupid and no one talks to each other (see: learning curve) so it was a HUGE deal for me when this actually happened. i was neutral on shakaar until this point and now i am like he is my friend. even if kira could do better. girl, odo is right there.

AND he's running against winn!!! def has my vote

b-plot for this episode was charming. nobody else had anything to do so they had to stick em in quark's to play dart. quark was ALMOST normal enough in this episode to get me back to square one but i did also derive pleasure from his gambling misfortunes. also, it's hilarious that o'brien is turning to darts so heavily in this wifeless time that he's blowing out his shoulder. he's wrung every last bit out of racketball that he could and now he's destroying darts. what will he turn to next..........

TONIGHT: ds9 double feature of "facets" and "the adversary."

[1-minute-read]

Short storeys

Winning and losing at the same time. A mayor, liar, judges, non-profit scam and people trap in the middle. With a non-profit insurance scam, they pay in, but never can get it out. A dead child father, trying to get justice. The win then appeal makes them start all over. Will it end or is the system only for the riches of people.

Paranormal investigations squad 454: They thought, the dot people where coming back. Paranormal investigations squad 454. They thought, the dot people where coming back. Four friends Stewart, Mathu, Bobby and Tommy. Save Greater New York will everyone else looks down on them. Because they are kids. They made a difference when no one else would.

Races, The con man nearby.: Is he in your pocket. The last Jim knows about the man that called his self; Bobby was dead. He dies, got a litter from him in the mail. Saying, thank for the free beer, son.

I lost your heart,: you can find it on your own A love story, a woman trying to make it on her own, in a world that does not forgive. And she does not give up on herself.

[plscallmeeren]

PLAYLIST | THE MESSAGE

• Raven's Endless Mix •

Lash Out by Alice Merton

I've got something to say

Might start a riot

Rip that tape from my mouth

I won't be quiet

'Cuz everything is nothing 'til you realise it's something you want

Sound of Silence performed by Disturbed

In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone

Dreams by Fleetwood Mac

But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat; drives you mad

In the stillness of remembering what you had

And what you lost

Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode

Take second best

Put me to the test

Things on your chest

You need to confess

I will deliver, you know I'm a forgiver

All I Want Is To Be Your Girl by Holly Miranda

We could fuck in the sun and dance 'til dawn

And all I want is to be your girl

Black holes in the skies to the ends of the world

Put rocks in your pocket, take the boat for a whirl

Lady Marmalade by LaBelle

Touching her skin, feelin' silky smooth

Colour of café au lait

River Lea by Adele

But it's in my roots, in my veins

It's in my blood and I stain every heart that I use to heal the pain

So I blame it on the River Lea

We Gotta Get Out Of This Place performed by The Angels

We gotta get out of this place

If it's the last thing we ever do

There's a Ghost by Fleurie

Am I afraid to be alone?

That nobody will ever know this death I'm dying

bury a friend by Billie Eilish

What do you want from me?

Why don't you run from me?

What are you wondering?

What do you know?

Why aren't you scared of me?

Why do you care for me?

When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

Green Onions by Booker T. & the M.G.'s

Then you put on your crying

Like you never cried before

Babooshka by Kate Bush

But how she was before the tears

And how she was before the years flew by

And how she was when she was beautiful

Mustang Sally performed by The Commitments, Andrew Strong

Those weepin' eyes

This Old Heart by Gin Wigmore

Breathe, the streets without a name

These burning clouds don't always look the same

Midnight moon, you are my thunder

I am the glass in which you wonder

Still, I keep falling on, babe

Highway to Hell by AC/DC

I'm on my way to the promised land

I'm on the highway to hell

And I'm goin' down

I Like It Heavy by Halestorm

If the windows ain't shaking

Making my heart race

If I can't feel it in my chest I'm in the wrong damn place

Got a demon in my soul and a voice in my head

Saying go, go, go, I can sleep when I'm dead

The Great Gig In The Sky by Pink Floyd

I am not frightened of dying

Any time will do, I don't mind

Why should I be frightened of dying?

There's no reason for it, you've gotta go sometime

Girls Got Rhythm by AC/DC

I've been around the world

I've seen a million girls

Ain't one of them got

What my baby she got

Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks

And the days go by, like a strand in the wind

In the web that is my own, I begin again

Said to my friend, baby

Nothin' else mattered

Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves by Eurythmics, Annie Lennox, Dave Stewart, Aretha Franklin

Mothers, daughters

And their daughters, too

Woman to woman

We're singing with you

Black Sheep by Gin Wigmore

Making my own road out of gravel and some wine

And if I have to fall then it won't be in your line

Everybody's doing it, so why the hell should I?

Kool Girl by Seasalt

Totally untouchable

Cool girl

The kind your mother thinks is trouble

Amen by Halestorm

Someone's gonna hate

It's never gonna change

It gets harder every day

It's a hell of a place

To keep your heart from freezing

To keep yourself believing

brutal by Olivia Rodrigo

And I'm so sick of 17

Where's my fucking teenage dream?

If someone tells me one more time

'Enjoy your youth' I'm gonna cry

And I don't stick up for myself

I'm anxious and nothing can help

And I wish I'd done this before

And I wish people liked me more

Do Not Disturb by Halestorm

I'm on the very top floor, room 1334

There's a king-sized bed

But we can do it on the floor

Starstruck - Single Version by Sorry

Pressure, poets

Priceless smiles

Cutting edge

Entertainment

Foolish antics

Antique evenings

Fragile, frugal

Breaking even

Uppers, downers

All rounders

Back in Black by AC/DC

Back in black, I got the sack

It's been too long, I'm glad to be back

Yes, I'm let loose, from the noose

That's kept me hanging about

Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine

She hid around corners and she hid under beds

She killed it with kisses and from it she fled

Only Happy When It Rains by Garbage

And though I know you can't appreciate it

I'm only only happy when it rains

You know I love it when the news is bad

Why it feels so good to feel so sad?

Doom and Gloom by The Rolling Stones

I had a dream last night that I was a pilot in a plane

And all the passengers were drunk and insane

Everybody Talks by Neon Trees

I found out that everybody talks

Everybody talks, everybody talks too much

It started with a whisper

And that was when I kissed her

Gloria: In Exelsis Deo by Patti Smith

Meltin' in a pot of thieves

Wild card up my sleeve

Thick heart of stone

My sins' my own

They belong to me, me

People say, 'beware!'

But I don't care

Riders on the Storm by The Doors

There's a killer on the road

His brain is squirming like a toad

Take a long holiday

Let your children play

If you give this man a ride

Sweet family will die

Killer on the road, yeah

Wade in the Water by Eva Cassidy

And God's gonna trouble the water

I Hate Myself For Loving You by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

Hey man, bet you can't treat me right

You just don't know what you was missing last night

Why'd Ya Do It by Marianne Faithful

I had my balls and my brains put into a vice

And twisted around for a whole fucking week

Man Like That by Gin Wigmore

Did he bite you on the neck right before the job was done?

And does he ask about your mama?

Does he sing your song when you get mad?

Well, I been there, done that many times

And all the kicking and the screaming won't bring him back

Teenagers by My Chemical Romance

'Cause they got ways of keeping you clean

They're gonna rip up your heads

Your aspirations to shreds

Another cog in the murder machine

Shoot to Thrill performed by Halestorm

Pull the trigger

Shoot to thrill

Play to kill

Too many women with too many pills

People Are Strange by The Doors

People Are Strange when you're a stranger

Faces look ugly when you're alone

Women seem wicked when you're unwanted

Streets are uneven when you're down

hey little girl (live) by sophiamarie.b

There's a ghost inside of you but it's hidden too deep

Hey, little girl, you'd never imagine

You get a little older, you'll get abandoned

Hey, little girl, you know smoking kills

You don't really care, 'cuz you love how it feels

Big Bad Wolf by Roses & Revolutions

Funny how it all works out in the end

You're playing with fire

Living in sin

Nothing's ever free

No, nothing's ever free, is it?

Khe Sanh by Cold Chisel

You know, the last plane out of Sydney's almost gone

And it's really got me worried

I'm going nowhere and I'm in a hurry

The Swing by INXS

It marks the moments as the years go by

In an innocent phase

jealousy, jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo

Co-comparison is killing me slowly

I think I think too much

'Bout kids who don't know me

I'm so sick of myself

Rather be, rather be

Anyone, anyone else

Ballad of a Thin Man by Bob Dylan

You try so hard, but you don't understand

Just what you will say when you get home

Because something is happening here but you don't know what it is

Do you, Mister Jones?

So Hott by Kid Rock

You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex

I can tell you're trouble, but I'm still obsessed

Insomnia 2021 - Epic Edit by Maceo Plex, Faithless

I only smoke weed when I need to

And I need to get some rest

Yo, where's my sense?

9 to 5 by Dolly Parton

Workin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a livin'

Barely gettin' by, it's all takin' and no givin'

They just use your mind

And they never give you credit

It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it

Living in the 70s by Skyhooks

I feel a bit nervous

I feel a bit mad

I feel like a good time that's never been had

I feel a bit fragile

I feel a bit low

Tomorrow, Wendy performed by Concrete Blonde

Underneath the chilly, grey November sky

We can make believe that Kennedy is still alive and

We're shooting for the moon and Jackie's driving by and

They say 'good try'

Tomorrow Wendy is going to die

Bang Bang Bang Bang by Sohodolls

So we put on our eyeliner

And a bit of glitter dust

Life at night is always finer

Neon streets are full of lust

A Little Wicked by Valerie Broussard

No one calls you honey, when you're sitting on a throne

Beware the patient woman, 'cause this much I know

No one calls you honey, when you're sitting on a throne

Girl With No Name by Jules Larson + AG

I don't want to write another sad song

I come undone from everyone I'm doing wrong

I call you up at night when I'm driving home

Will I die alone?

Maybe I don't mean it when I say 'goodbye'

Forever loses meaning for me all the time

Girl With One Eye by Florence + The Machine

That's the price she'll pay

I took a knife and cut out her eye

I took it home and watched it wither and die

Well, she's lucky that I didn't slip her a smile

Destination Anywhere by The Commitments, Niamh Kavanagh

Oh, destination anywhere

East or west, I don't care

You see my baby don't want me no more

They Say I'm Different by Betty Davis

My great-grandpa was a blues lover

He be rockin' his moonshine to B.B. King and Jimmy Reed

Rock on

That's why they say I'm different

all the good girls go to hell by Billie Eilish

'Cause even God herself has enemies

And once the water starts to rise

And heaven's out of sight

She'll want the devil on her team

Bloodletting (The Vampire Song) by Concrete Blonde

There's a crack in the mirror

And a bloodstain on the bed

Oh, you were a vampire

And baby, I'm the walking dead

I'm Not Calling You A Liar by Florence + The Machine

I'm not calling you a liar

Just don't lie to me

I'm not calling you a thief

Just don't steal from me

I'm not calling you a ghost

Just stop haunting me

And I love you so much

I'm gonna let you kill me

Milk and Cookies by Melanie Martinez

I'm fucking crazy, need my prescription filled

Do you like my cookies?

They're made just for you

A little bit of sugar, but lots of poison, too

Somebody to Love by Jefferson Airplane

When the garden flowers

Baby, are dead, yes and

Your mind, your mind is so full of red

The Fine Print by Stupendium

That's provided at generous prices

Your worth is determined by your sacrifices

A small term of service when down on the surface

Internment's a freebie that comes with the purchase

We work

To earn the right to work x4

To earn the right to give

Ourselves the right to buy

Ourselves the right to live

To earn the right to die

Bullet With Butterfly Wings by The Smashing Pumpkins

The world is a vampire

Sent to drain

Secret destroyers

Hold you up to the flames

And what do I get

For my pain?

Betrayed desires

And a piece of the game

Days and Days performed by Concrete Blonde

That's hours of forever

Running all together

Like the crossroads of a minute

And you and me were in it

And I never saw it coming

Never saw it fade away

Today, today, today

Zero by The Smashing Pumpkins

My reflection, dirty mirror

There's no connection to myself

I'm your lover, I'm your zero

In the face in your dreams of glass

Hounds of Love by Kate Bush

Afraid of what might be

Hiding in the dark, hiding in the street

And of what was following me

The hounds of love are hunting

I've always been a coward

And I don't know what's good for me

Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

I can't explain, you would not understand

This is not how I am

I have become comfortably numb

Starman by David Bowie

Waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'd blow our minds

Let the children lose it

Let the children use it

To Love A Boy by Maya Hawke

Like a hidden cave, I am always open

I hold the space you made, I'm empty, but still hoping

I have a feeling, a terrible fear encroaching

That I'll never love a boy the way I love the ocean

Little Dark Age by MGMT

The humour's not the same, coming from denial

Oh-oh, I grieve in stereo, the stereo sounds strange

I know that if you hide, it doesn't go away

If you get out of bed and find me standing all alone

Open-eyed, burn the page, my little dark age

White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

When logic and proportion

Have fallen sloppy dead

And the White Knight is talking backwards

And the Red Queen's off with her head

Remember what the dormouse said

Feed your head

Are You Satisfied by MARINA

Do I need to lie to make my way in life?

Are you satisfied with an easy ride?

Once you cross the line, will you be satisfied?

Sad inside this life, unsatisfied, prayin'

Everybody by Cold Chisel

Everybody wants complete fidelity from two or three lovers simultaneously

Everybody wants to be an individual

Everybody else does, too

All I wanna be is idiot-free and out of here with you

What's Up? by 4 Non-Blondes

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed

Just to get it all out

What's in my head

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade

Your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

Did you exchange a walk-on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?

• Worth Listening To •

[secretlystephaniebrown]

12, 37 for Steph, and 48 for the salty asks?

12. Are there any comics you’ve read knowing they’re bad and why?

Listen. I have read War Games. I have read Identity Crisis. I have read Azarello's Wonder Woman. I read Grayson. I have read Bill Willingham's Robin. I read Chuck Dixon's Nightwing: Year One and Brothers In Blood. I have read Heroes in Crisis. I read Joker War. I read Flashpoint. I read so many bad comics, and usually it is in the name of being able to know what I'm talking about when complaining about them, completionism, or fanfic research. I have no pride. I only have spite.

37. I wish fandom/official writers understood ___ about Steph.

Okay technically I've already answered this but I'm always happy to do more.

I wish people were more able to remember that Steph is a rich, nuanced character with facets. She is angry and optimistic, she is spiteful and forgiving, she believes in second chances, but holds a grudge like a motherfucker. And she's wonderful.

48. Hal Jordan should have stayed dead, let me explain…

*takes a shot* okay so I'm not the biggest fan of Hal Jordan; tbh he's probably my least-favorite Green Lantern, and that's not necessarily the man's fault, I just am an Alan Scott, John Stewart, Guy Gardner, Kyle Rayner, Simon Baz, Jessica Cruz, Tai Pham, and Jo Mullein stan, and well, he's not any of those. But, him as the Specter? Cool shit. He was fun. He was interesting. He hung around with Greta and helped her out!

But Hal's return (alongside Barry Allen, who was my second candidate for this), was symbolic of the rise of nostalgia and the death of legacies in DC for years. Hal returning and being hailed as the "best Green Lantern" once again not only was the result of a years-long anti-Kyle campaign (spearheaded by the infamous Hal's Emerald Advancement Team, which Geoff Johns was a leader of) not only pushed aside other characters in favor of a return to Silver Age Nostalgia, but also undid everything that past writers had done for years to make Hal a more interesting, nuanced character as the Specter and even in the pre-Parallax era. Also they took away the white streaks in his hair and said that was why he was evil and I just think that's cowardly.

Hal never even left comics, but people were still mad that he was in a different form than he once was, and I think that's just... a real pity. Let the man be a vengeful ghost in peace!

[ladyelissarose]

Warnings: Mentions of drugging someone, plans to do evil things, LOTS of angst as the secrets unmask one by one, leaving more masked secrets

“The Secrets of Gotham-Unmasked”

Chp. 27pt.2

 Bruce’s POV

 With fear in his heart that Y/b/n could be dead or long lost into the identity of being Jason Todd once again, Bruce went straight from the crime scene to the Manor so he as best as he could try to explain to Alfred the conversation he had with Gordon about the remaining bloody mask and the text message Gordon got while sitting upstairs in His office,

  “Gordon thought it was the RedHood saying that he was going to come back rouge and finish what Stewart couldn’t, which was running the trafficking system and all. But I think it was a message from the traffickers saying that they kidnapped Y/b/n to finish what Stewart couldn’t, which is killing him.”

  While listening to him Alfred readjusted his glasses as he examined the Red Mask, and soon enough with a small tweezer he pulled out a small hair, the size of an eyelash. Bringing it into the light Alfred told Bruce,

  “Let’s see if this is not Y/b/n’s and someone else’s, then through your system we can track his trace down and find out who he is. Maybe that can get us to Y/b/n.”

  Bruce nodded his head in agreement as he noticed how Alfred completely avoided what he had explained to him about the situation, so discreetly with a calm low voice he asked,

  “Alfred.. are you ok?”

 Slamming the mask onto the table Alfred blurted out,

  “Well what do you think Master Bruce? Our boy is missing and can be anywhere.. if not dead by now-“

  “You don’t know that-“

  “Which is my point Bruce! I don’t know that and it pains me to realize it! I should’ve done something to let him stay! Not leave and be kidnapped and dragged into the same thing, if not worse.”

  Bruce stayed silent taking in Alfred’s response, and he felt terrible and more worried sick about it all,

  ‘Fuck... I can’t believe it.. it’s just all coming apart. I need to tell Y/n. I have to tell her the truth, maybe she can help us. Though I know she won’t be happy about me knowing the truth and not telling her in the first place.’

  “I think it’s time to tell Y/n.. “

 With a tone of aggravation Alfred asked,

  “About what, Bruce?”

  “That Y/b/n is alive. And kidnapped. That there is a possibility of them doing something tragic to him or that we hope not kill him. She can help us.”

  “And drag her into the pain again Bruce? She’s been through enough, thinking that he’s dead and gone, missing, they never found his body according to her, because that’s what they made her believe. And if we bring her into this and matters turn out worse and Y/b/n actually dies in the process, she’ll never forgives us, or even herself. Now I must go to test these out, to see if I can pull out an identity or trace.”

  Without another word Alfred left his desk to the Batcave downstairs, wanting to be alone to not increase his agony and anger, then taking it out on Bruce. He figured that being alone for a moment to collect his thoughts would be sufficiently enough.

   Bruce grabbed the mask of Jason Todd aka Y/b/n Y/l/n, and while holding it in his fists he brought up to his face, as a few tears shed onto it and down his cheeks.

  ‘I’m so sorry Y/b/n.. I’m so sorry.’

Y/n’s POV 

  When Y/n arrived to the church she ran inside to see that it was still open, and upon walking in she saw that there were two tall men standing facing the altar.

  ‘Shit.. I was hoping nobody would be here..’

  The church was huge and dark inside, very Gothic, a few large candles were lit as they sat around the building, though white pillars that stood on the sides it seemed to embrace the darkness well, causing Y/n to second guess her choice of coming, but there was no turning back now. Taking slow steps down the way as long black benches rested on each side of her Y/n finally made it to the front, the people whom she now saw as big men in black hoodies and masks that went from the chin up to their nose and they looked up from the floor to her face with a confused expression as Y/n stood there like an outcast. Y/n thought to herself,

  ‘These guys are guards.. huh they must be scared to let their Priest on his own huh?... well let’s see how we get through then..’

  Playing shy and hugging her body Y/n said in a low whisper,

  ‘sorry.. I was looking for the Priest?’

 The bigger one of them two stood up and asked in a loud deep voice,

  “For what? It’s three in the morning?”

 ‘I-I need h-help.. please.. and they said I can come to him before dawn for it.. so I’m here.’

  The guard saw Y/n as a drunk prostitute trying to seek money and help from the Priest, but he knew that currently the Priest was dealing with bigger business at the moment, and his job for the night was to make sure no one made it through the doors, so rolling his eyes he ordered,

 “Get the fuck outta here you whore, business is closed he’s not letting anyone in.. come back another day!!”

  The other guy was still facing the altar and never turned around, not bothering to intervene, 

  ‘This one must be the boss then.. and that loser over there must be his partner-shit that’s the priest!’

  The Priests POV

 Hearing his guard yell from the church made the Priest came from the back to see what the racket was, to only find a small pretty girl with disheveled hair and smeared makeup, his naughty thoughts got the best of him to let her in,

  ‘My my what do we have here.. a gift from the gods I see.. poor pretty girl shouldn’t have stepped in.’

  With a hearty voice to try not scare his guest any more he said,

  “Darius, we must not reject the lost or broken, what kind of attitude is this?”

  Darius turned his head towards the Priest and said while wiggling his brows towards the back like a warning,

  “I thought you said you weren’t letting anyone in tonight?”

  Making a ‘calm down’ gesture with his hands the Priest added,

  “I did but I’m almost finished, come here darling.. I can help you.”

  The Priest saw her smile slightly as she walked towards him,

  “Thank you”

 He grabbed her hand and began to walk her towards the back passing the guards, not realizing that that was the biggest mistake of his life.

 Y/n’s POV

 Turning her head back while walking away to see the face of the other guard that stayed silent was no use, he had his head down completely as he stood still, making his face completely masked for her too not see, 

  ‘Hmm.. I wonder who he is?’

 Taking her mind off of him Y/n focused on her mission, the Priest walked her to the back of the church into an office where another man stood with a couple of others, they were all suspicious looking and mean looking too, so when they saw the Priest walking in with Y/n they immediately grew upset. The larger one that probably was the dealer which was an older man with coke-bottle like glasses and a misshapen bald head with a thick beard asked agitatedly,

  “John What is this?”

  “Don’t worry, this dear girl needs my help at the moment.. she’s ok-“

  “Is she though? Looks high and drunk, clearly not all there.”

 “My point Strange, she’s ok to be here, she won’t cause problems.”

‘If you only knew John..’

  Still holding her hand Priest aka John told the men,

  “Follow me.. the cash is over here.. now tell me again why you need such an ungodly amount of it? Most of it here is Mackenzie’s, he had to give some of it for the feds.”

  Y/n quickly realized he was a part of everything too, by keeping Mackenzie’s earnings safe,

  ‘Son of a bitch is a part of this too?! Damn.’

 Strange right away reassured John,

  “Remember the kid I told you we have?”

 John nodded his head as he replied,

  “Y/b/n? Your The RedHood aka Jason Todd?”

Again feeling like she was shot in the chest at the news she was hearing Y/n just about passed out, but she played her reaction as if she was drunk, making the priest hold onto her waist without giving second thought of her actions, like if he was used to it, but Y/n thought as they continued to walk down the dark hall,

  ‘Y/B/N IS FUCKING WHO?!? JASON TODD?  REDHOOD?!  Y/b/n is.. alive?.. no..’

 Strange added on,

  “Yeah him.. we caught him again.. and he’s safe with me.. but I’m tired of him running away. I need the cash to buy a special drug and chemical that’ll partially erase his most profound memories. Then I’m planning to use this son of a bitch mind capacity to kill the Batman. Then I’ll finally take his identity and become him... but this kids got incredible learning skills as well as combat fighting. He’s a freaking genius. And if I’m able to do that then there won’t be a rich Batman.. but a smart one instead.. and Y/b/n will become my little terminator.”

  “Very well then.. seems like this money will do you good.. how much do you need?”

  “I only need 4 mill., the drug is very expensive.”

  “I can imagine.. hey, and about his sister? Have any of you found her?”

  “Nope, I’ve been working with William to look for her, but we haven’t gone any luck, but if I can get Y/b/n under my spell, the RedHood will be more capable than 

anyone to bring her in, I’m sure of it.”

  Stopping in front of a large safe door John unlocked the large door opening it as he put forth,

  “I’m sure too.. here’s the safe.. take what you need.”

  “Thank you.”

 Strange took out large bags ordering his men to start filling them, Y/n took that second of their distraction to ask while crossing her legs,

  “Can I use the restroom, I really have to pee.”

  “Of course dear.. go straight down that hall and my office has a restroom, when you’re done wait for me there don’t come back.. I’ll come see you in a minute.”

  “Ok!”

 Skipping away like a dumbass as Y/n thought of herself she soon was inside the priests office. Frustratingly she yanked out her lens and comms and put them in her pocket and began to look around quickly through his desk and shelves as she planned,

  ‘Now motherfuckers... where do you have a damn lighter or matches? Because NO one is taking any fucking cash tonight..’

  Gordon’s POV

 Gordon was at his desk as he shuffled through old files that Y/n had written down with perfect grammar and excellence, his heart was still in a lot of pain, and he felt like a failure for losing Y/n like he did that night. But right now he was trying to dig into Y/f/n’s case, he went to the Mayor Reàl personally because he trusted no soul. Explaining around the bush his situation he was able to get the Mayor on his side as she granted his access to the old case files. So now he sat at his desk connecting Y/n’s files with Y/f/n’s, seeing a lot of similarities,

  ‘It’s ridiculous how these two have the same hand writing.. and writing skills.. From what I can see Mackenzie’s repeating his same actions again.. only this time in the story he has two different people trying to take him down, first Y/f/n and now his daughter Y/n.. well.. it was going to be Y/n.. huh, I can’t do this without her. I need more information or proof.’

  His phone then beeped and he got an anonymous text again, this time from a different number,

  ‘go to Arkham Island.. three blocks away from the Prison there is an old shed.. maybe there you’ll find what you’re looking for.’

  “What the hell?”

 Looking around to see if anyone was watching him Gordon saw he was alone, looking back at the text he replied,

  ‘Who are you?’

 A few seconds later a text came back in,

 ‘Don’t worry that.. if you’re afraid to go on your own then take your bat friend.’

 -Blocked-

 “Wait why did he block me? Frick! Ughhh Chief is really gonna hate me.”

 Picking up his phone sighing deeply he said as soon as he heard Batman’s usual low voice saying ‘Gordon’ on the other side,

  “Hey listen Chief.. I got something else for you too see with me.. I’m sending you a picture of another text I got.. meet me there ASAP.”

  “Fine.”

 Hanging up Gordon stuffed all the files into a brown box and carried it out of his office and put it in his car as he drove off to Arkham Island, while driving there he seriously thought,

  ‘What the fuck is this about.. hopefully it isn’t a set up.. I really hope not, I mean, why would they suggest I take Batman? Or even tell me about this place? What’s there?’

 Batman’s POV

  Leaving his office he began to run down to the Batcave once again that evening. Then soon he walked out of the elevator telling Alfred his situation before he got a question,

  “Gordon just called me saying he got another anonymous text saying there’s a location to check out, and he wants me there ASAP so I’m going now-“

  “I have the DNA of the man that took Y/b/n.”

  Stopping dead in his tracks Bruce turned around and asked,

  “Who is it?”

 Turning the screen towards Bruce Alfred said,

  “His name is Professor Hugo Strange.”

 Scrunching this nose in utter confusion Bruce questioned,

  “Who the hell is he? I’ve never heard of him-“

  “-Get suited up Bruce I’ll explain to you as you get ready.”

 Remembering he had a place to go Bruce continued to suit up as Alfred added on,

  “You may not know him Bruce but he sure knows you.. seems like he’s obsessed with you too.. he’s a psychologist and a chemical scientist. But looking through his personal data he’s always keeping up with the media and other means that gear towards Bruce Wayne and the Batman.”

  Smudging the black stuff on his eyes Bruce commented,

  “As I said, I don’t know a Huge Strange-“

  “Professor HUGO Strange-“

  “Yes him! Ugh... then maybe I’ll find Y/b/n faster, maybe he’s in an old factory or chemical facility, if this guys’ as smart as he says he is, then for sure he wouldn’t do such a crime out in the open. Now I need to go, update me if you find more.”

  “I surely will. Be safe Bruce.”

  “You too Alfred.”

 Batman’s POV 

 Speeding off in his Batmobile Batman was in Arkham Island very soon, arriving at the old shed he saw Gordon’s car parked outside right next to it. Getting off his Batmobile while on high guard of his surrounds he approached Gordon who was getting off his car now. Gordon began to say,

  “Chief, so I got a message telling me to come here. Saying that this place might have what I need.”

  “Need like what?”

  “More information on Y/f/n’s case I guess.”

  “Let’s walk inside then.”

 Gordon as always pulled out his gun and walked behind Batman as he led the way inside. They both were expecting more blood and disaster like they had seen earlier that night, but it was a small room that looked like a hideout office? And there Batman saw what he was looking for, 

  ‘The box! Y/f/n wrote in his letter he had another box but that was full of evidence at a (hidden place). But wait... who else knows about this place? Oh! Saunders of course! Of course Saunders would tell us about this place, well Gordon to me the Batman.. he doesn’t know that I Bruce am the Batman.. makes so much sense.’

  Gordon pulled on some gloves and began to look through one of the many boxes that were there laying around, pulling out a file Gordon read through them as he said,

  “Hey I was right.. this is Y/f/n’s files on Mackenzie... but who sent the message? Who knew about all of this?”

  While reading through Y/f/n’s diaries Batman said,

  “I don’t know.. and sense the signal is now blocked I can’t track it, but let’s just take all of this before we lose it all.”

  “But where do we put it Chief I can’t trust anyone around my things.”

  “Put it in my Batmobile.. no one will ever find this stuff there. And when we have gone through everything we’ll bring it up and turn Mackenzie in, I still need to see how we’ll bring him in.”

  “And why wouldn’t we bring him in? What do you mean?”

 “The feds.. Mackenzie is working with the feds.. meaning we can’t go through them to arrest him.. we have to find another way, another true and honest form of authority that’ll follow through and do true justice for all of this.”

  “You’re right Chief.. alrighty then, you take all of this and I’ll come around to work on it with you at the signal yeah?”

  “Hm hm.”

 “Ok.. let’s start putting this in.”

 There were about 5 large brown boxes full of files, photos and information, and because Batman was the strongest of them two he was able to carry three at a time leaving Gordon only carrying two, making the trip a one go. Once they checked that the shed was empty and nothing was left Gordon thanked Batman,

  “Thanks for coming with me.. and taking all of this, I’m hoping we’re able to get Mackenzie down soon.”

  “Me too.. night Gordon.”

  “Night Chief.”

Alfred’s POV

 When Alfred saw that Bruce was no longer there he had connected his comm line to Saunders as he wanted to communicate with him asking for Y/n,

  “Greg, how’s Y/n doing?”

 Saunders then answered back with a slight panicked tone to his voice,

  “I’m not sure Al, Y/n found out some tragic news tonight at the club, I told her to leave so she wouldn’t do anything stupid, I suggested she’d take care of something else.. but when she got in the place she disconnected her camera and comms minutes after.’

  “She what?!? Greg where did you tell her to go?”

  ‘I told her about where he was keeping the money, Mackenzie, which is at The Gotham Catholic Church.. and from there I haven’t heard of or from her sense.’ 

  Smacking his forehead in frustration Alfred sighed deeply,

  “Why would you say such a thing? Have you heard about the Priest from there? He’s the devil himself!-“

  ‘I know how and who he is! I’ve lived here all my life Al.. I’m giving it 20 minutes then I’m out the door after her. I promise.’

  “You better be Greg, you better be, and if it goes bad you call me immediately and I’ll show up with my damn shotgun if I have too.”

  ‘I’ll be depending on your word for that Al.. hey, you know.. for a butler you’re pretty... I don’t know what’s the word.. James Bond like?’

  “I’ll give you 30 minutes Greg Saunders.. and if I don’t hear any news about Y/n I’ll James Bond your ass with my shotgun you understand?”

  Alfred could hear Greg scoff with cockiness and a tint of worry as he responded with a,

  ‘Understood sir, I got the memo.’

[mcmusing]

And now, for a rant years in the making....

The longest thing I've ever written began because X-Men First Class was such a well-acted breath of fresh air. The dynamic between Charles, Raven, and Erik really captivated and inspired me. Enough to create an ongoing series that has had more good years than bad.

Unfortunately, starting with Days of Future Past, FC's legacy was sacrificed to the creatively bankrupt egos of the very production team that ruined the X-Men film series in the first place. This, along with the misandry/racism disguised as empowerment/diversity plaguing modern media, torpedoed what could have been an amazing series. James McAvoy pulled off the impossible by cementing himself as an iconic Charles Xavier on par with Patrick Stewart. After years of Ian McKellen's hammy one-dimensional villainy, the God's gift to acting that is Michael Fassbender emerged as the definitive Erik Lehnsherr. In Jennifer Lawrence's casting as Raven, the producers took an asinine, fanfic-esque concept like making Mystique Charles' adopted little sister and pulled it off so unbelievably beautifully. Despite their limited screentime, Alex, Hank, and Sean displayed more personality and likeability than any depiction of Jean and Storm across multiple films. However, moronic Brian Singer and Simon Kinberg could not wait to destroy all of FC's good will for their own agendas.

James McAvoy portrayed Charles as spirited and slightly mischievous yet highly intelligent, altruistic, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. Then the sequels tried in forced desperation to paint him as an overbearing, elitist misogynist and the one responsible for Raven and Jean's destructive abuse of power. Even though all he did was give them a home, make difficult choices in order to protect them and others, and brought both of them onto his team due to his personal relationships and trust in them. Because women are so strong and capable except when it comes to taking responsibility for their horrible choices. No, human flaws are strictly of the Y chromosome. Charles has been abandoned his entire life, received no real support, had his body and mind mangled because of his 'best friend', yet puts everyone before himself and always forgives the undeserving. Still, the producers and equally idiotic fandom reduces him to a spoiled white male with no concept of pain or hardship.

Through extensive research and dedication, Michael Fassbender put more into portraying Erik than, quite possibly, any actor taking on a comic book role. Erik is so worldly intelligent, handsome, sauve, and masculine to alpha levels, but with a pained vulnerability about him. FC is the ONLY film to paint him in this light. According to the sequels, Erik completely abandoned the friend/brother he crippled, couldn't hold his own team together for even a year, got captured by regular humans- the strategic nazi hunter got captured by REGULAR humans for ten years, betrayed his friends who freed him at the first opportunity, took no responsibility for the unforgivable things he did to Charles, abandoned his pregnant lover, almost ruined the lives of mutants everywhere by attempting a terrorist attack on TV, then ran off with his tail between his legs once thwarted. And that was only DoFP. In the next movies, he gave up his mutant identity completely, married a regular woman two seconds after declaring war on regular humans, was a pitiful excuse for a father who couldn't train his ONE mutant child to control her powers, got his family killed by his own past actions, then went on a murder spree with a lunatic that resulted in Charles' torture, Alex's death, and the destruction of the school- with the students being saved only by Peter's coincidental presence. I'm not even going to talk about that stupid phoenix movie. My blood pressure is already to the ceiling. No wonder Michael Fassbender grew to hate his character.

Speaking of hating their own character, even Jennifer Lawrence doesn't like how the warm, familial relationship between Raven and Charles deteriorated into something so cold and bitter. Raven abandoning her devoted brother is not only never properly addressed but the sequels want to pretend like it's Charles' fault they're estranged. Raven spends their every scene being a hostile, rude ingrate towards him right up until she's killed by that monotone wet rag they call Jean. Charles is willing to sacrifice his own life multiple times for Raven but she shows more regard for her attempted murderer Erik. So, I suppose the feminist message is that a protective, peace seeking, reasonable man is too controlling and toxic but a violent, unhinged, homicidal man is worthy to be praised. That phoenix movie sure thought so, considering they completely demolished Hank McCoy.

These movies also have no care or concern for life itself. The hellfire club slaughtered an entire facility full of people and killed Darwin yet Erik and Raven jumped to join them. Then, we're supposed to care that those monsters are dead by DoFP. Meanwhile, Sean and Alex's deaths are glossed over but Raven's is supposed to be tragic and meaningful.

That brings up yet another problem with this cursed series. Mutation is supposed to be an allegory for various prosecuted groups. The producers really wanted the live action mutants to be lgbt stand-ins. I can't even begin with how insulting that is. So, Magneto's the face of the gays, huh? Meaning if other people do anything but pledge absolute loyalty to that  lifestyle, gays will react with violence and destruction, willing to kill anyone- even their own-, who gets in their way. Also, those who believe the lgbt lifestyle will lead to inevitable chaos are proven right by X-Men execs. Mutants have caused massacres of government officials, killed their own family members during uncontrolled rages, and nearly doomed the planet too many times to count. This is what gays relate to? This?! This infantilized depiction as sadistic megalomaniacs?!

Overall, FC- as engaging as it was- is a mere anomaly in the grand scheme of the X-Movies. A dour, joyless, soulless catastrophe of unforgivable discontinuity, underdeveloped characters, multiple horrid actors, outrageous missed opportunities, and nonexistence ethics with a transparent, hypocritical agenda.

I started my fic in 2011 as a way of addressing the growing racial upheaval going on in the US at the time. Ten years later and things are infinitely worse than anything I could have predicted back then. There are no intelligent conversations to be had nor heroes to look up to. The entire entertainment industry has become a battleground for the war of identity politics. Not even just fandoms arguing amongst themselves but also Hollywood creators taking the time to be aggressively insulting and dismissive of their own fans. The flames of hatred are being fanned and everyone seems so blind to it.

[phantaloon-books]

I was rereading the iconic reunion at baltimore and this came to me and I can't not write it (even though I have a half finished chapter waiting to be written for a fic for a whole different fandom but who cares right)

in which neil regrets realizes that the feds were on to something when they talked about witness protection program. brace yourselves, it's angst time bby. please bear with me, I don't write stuff like this, content and format wise.

so everyone knows what goes down in baltimore. everyone knows that famous college exy striker for the foxes neil josten has been the son of the butcher of baltimore all along, and that smth happened after he was kidnapped and tortured that resulted in the butcher and some associates to be killed. everyone knows that neil walked out alive, injured but alive. so when a few weeks, months later, associates of the butcher start getting raided and taken in custody, everyone knows exactly who opened his little mouth and revealed everything he knows (bc there's literally no one else who could know this stuff and would be willing to share with the fucking feds, no one has a death wish)

It's a slow process. It starts with the feeling of not being safe, which is ridiculous, because he hasn't been quite as safe as he is right now, with the foxes, his family, and most importantly with Andrew. They're on summer break, technically speaking, even if they're at campus for practice because they gotta train the new foxes. They're barely doing anything than hanging out together and training, but still Neil can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, that someone is watching him, but he doesn't say anything, because it doesn't make sense, he's just being paranoid, there's no need to panic.

Neil can swear he's being watched. He feels the dread whenever he's out of the dorm, when he's out running, when they go out to eat something, when they go to the mall, on their way to practice, at Eden's. But when he looks around there's no one looking, it's been weeks and nothing has happened, he hasn't seen anyone.

Neil can tell Andrew is growing suspicious of the way he checks out a place, the way his eyes trace every corner, every exit, because he's starting to fall back in old habits, and he knows Andrew hates it. But Andrew doesn't ask, he knows that Neil will speak when he feels ready, so he lets it go, even if he can't quite let got of the worry clawing at his heart.

But everything keeps going normally, things are fine, everything is fine fine fine. Neil doesn't talk about it, but it's fine really. Until it's not fine at all, but it's also too late to talk now because his head is fuzzy and throbbing, and he feels like he might throw up and he feels pain even if he's not sure where the pain is coming from. But he can't do anything now, he can't tell Andrew how he's been feeling dread for weeks, because a man whose name he doesn't even know but whose face is awfully familiar is standing right in front of him where he lies on the floor, and the situation is also awfully familiar.

Stop being a martyr. Oh Andrew would kill him. If Neil gets out of this alive, Andrew will kill him, because he left again. He didn't want to, he really didn't. He was out on a run while Andrew was in therapy with Bee and Aaron, a couple miles away from fox tower, when a car pulled up right in front of him, two men wearing hoods and sunglasses stepping out and standing in front of him. He came to a halt, trying his best to keep calm because who the hell were these men and what did they want and for fucks sake can this just stop? It would have been smart to turn around and try to get back to the tower but he can't ever keep his mouth shut can he?

"Look I don't know who you are, I don't care what you want, but you're in my way, so move away if you know what's best." He intended to go for more sarcastic, but he was doing his best not to panic, so that had to do.

"You're coming with us, get in the car, or we'll do this the hard way." Their voices said they wouldn't hesitate, but Neil laughed anyway, that smile he knew was the Butcher's resting on his lips. Anything to make the men leave. He opened his mouth and then- "The Minyard twins are at Dr. Dobson's office. Reynolds, Walker, and Wilds are at the mall. Hemmick, Boyd and Day are in the dorms. The newbies are at the dorms as well. Come with us the easy way and we'll let them walk out of their respective places alive, Nathaniel."

And he was fucked. Of course he hadn't been safe, he would never be safe. In fact no one he cared about would ever be safe. He should have known better. But he wasn't going to let the foxes be harmed.

"How do I know you won't kill them anyway?" The snark was gone, the smile vanished. His face was blank and dangerous, because he'd done this before. "I don't even know who you are, you're obviously not the big guys, and I don't remember seeing your faces."

"We don't want to attract unnecessary attention. All we care about is you. If you come, you spare us all the trouble. As for who we are, let's just say someone is pissed at the piece of shit that ruined everything."

"The Butcher's friends then. I can't argue with that, it's a habit of mine to fuck up. Ichirou won't be too happy if something happened." He played his strongest card but fuck it. The Moriyamas owed him protection, Ichirou himself had made a deal with him.

"The moment they turned their backs to the Wesninski and made a deal with Hatford, those Japanese shits mean nothing to us." These were desperate men apparently. If the Moriyamas were nothing, the FBI was even less. "Time is running Nathaniel, decide. You or them?"

Andrew would kill him, but they'd talked about it before. Neil had told Andrew. If it means losing you, then no. He would not put himself first. Hell, he'd told the others before, the Foxes were all he had, he wasn't going to risk them for himself, not for anything. He needed to keep them safe.

So now he's lying on the cold wooden floor of some house or shed or whatever, drowsy from whatever they drugged him with once he got in the car, and in pain after being beaten for the last hour or so. He didn't bother asking the man (who is obviously in charge and sent the two men) for a name, and honestly he still doesn't plan to. What was the point of that anyway? He just looks up at the cold brown eyes of the man standing over him, Neil's face as neutral as he could keep it despite the fear of not making it out alive threatening to pull him under. The man just stares at him, calculative eyes and cruel smile, and Neil can't take it.

"What, so you're just gonna stand there? I have better shit to do." He hears the slur in his voice, wonders if it's just the drugs or something else. A concussion is likely. He's met with silence, so he closes his eyes and lays his head down. Fuck he's tired of these situations. He truly will never be safe, no one will-

"You know, I was expecting so much more from you Nathaniel," the man says with a laugh, "I was told that you'd put up a fight, I thought this would be fun. They said you'd beg for your precious life, but you haven't even made an effort."

Whoever his source was, they definitely do not know Neil, or Nathaniel for that matter. Not only is he not going to risk the men hurting the others, but he isn't going to fight, not against so many of them, not when running would be more likely to get him out alive. He isn't going to let them know that. "First go fuck yourself, and second, this isn't remotely close to entertaining to what I've been through, maybe if it was more interesting."

What does Andrew say? Regret is worthless? It seems right, because he can't find regret in what he said, even if his face is a bloody mess (what's new?) and his body shakes with shivers, after his head is held underwater so many times. No, he doesn't regret it. Instead he finds himself laughing a hollow thing.

"Y'know at least others have had a point, this time it's just for the fun of it, and it's not being much fun." His voice cracks a couple times, hoarse from coughing up water.

"You're right though, it is for fun. You cost me absolutely everything Nathaniel. Did you know the feds and the Moriyamas have been after us for months? Hunting us like we're rabbits, all because you decided to be a dipshit and open your mouth. You should be dead. You should have died ten years ago, back in March, anytime. All your existence caused us is trouble. And ratting us to the feds wasn't enough was it? No you told Ichirou all of the Butcher's men were loose ends, too." The man took a deep breath, composing himself. "So yes Nathaniel, this is for fun. This is payback, you've cost many lives, this is retribution for speaking, and I'm gonna enjoy seeing you have fun for as long as I can."

At some point, after hours, he's left alone in the dark, in the cold. He knows he’s in pain. He’s pretty sure his arm is broken, and so are several ribs. He knows he should be in a lot of pain, but he's just numb. Regret is worthless. Because even if he feels even worse than how he felt last winter at Evermore, he doesn’t regret it. He can’t be sure the guy’s men were truly going to kill the Foxes, but he doesn’t regret coming here to make sure the others don’t suffer more than they already have because of him. He wonders if Andrew will forgive him. He didn’t leave proof that he didn’t want to leave this time. Would Andrew think he left them - him? God, he hopes not. Would Andrew look for Neil or leave it thinking that Neil wanted to leave?

It doesn’t really matter, though. Neil is so tired. This time isn’t like when he was on the run or when he went to Evermore or when Lola took him. While with the Ravens, Kevin knew he was there at least, if anything were to happen, a person would know where to look somehow. At Baltimore, several people knew the most likely place to find him; Uncle Stewart, the Hatfords, Kevin again. He has no idea of where he is, or who took him, and no one knows he’s been taken in the first place. No one will ever find him.

Maybe it’s better that way, he thinks. No one will have to deal with the burden of him or his disappearance or his death, because no one will know. The simple thing would be to assume he ran. He hopes they assume he ran. Maybe they’ll be hurt, but haven’t they been expecting him to run? They won’t make it to championships without him considering Jack is an awful striker, but Kevin will manage. Andrew - Andrew is the one who expects him to run the most, maybe he’ll take it nicely. Neil hopes he takes it nicely. Guilt blossoms among the nothingness in his chest, but he can’t take it back, and he doesn’t want to. It’s better this way. No one will find him, but that’s fine. He wonders what the Moriyamas will do. He doesn’t want to think about that. He thinks of Andrew, the kisses, the care, the love, the nights spent together. Thank you, you were amazing. He wishes he could tell him how much he cares one last time. He feels something wet slip down his face. He can’t tell if it’s water, blood or tears. He sighs. He thinks of Andrew, and his eyes slip close.

[chargetheintruder]

And catching up on what I said I’d do last weekend.

Fair warning: Political crap.  Because I’m stuck in a timeline, you know?  We live in a society and are stuck with a timeline.  =))

First off, yeah, it’s hypocritical as all fuck that EVERY right-winger ever is pissing and moaning and calling “hand-out” over President Biden’s recent act of Mass Student Loan Forgiveness (THANK YOU, Mr. President, by the way) when a) many of these same politicians also took out PPP Loans during the pandemic and never paid them back (which is what loan forgiveness and bankruptcy have in common, superficially, I guess), and also b) ALL of them kept it quiet TWICE when banks got government HAND OUTS, a.k.a. bail-outs over their own greed and ineptitude with regard to exotic investments in real estate.  No, seriously.

Trumpist fuck-nuts think it’s all good when a business, a corporation, a landlord, or a politician squeaks out of debt, as Trump did going bankrupt some six times, but God Forbid an ordinary college student or former student should get cut ANY breaks during a once-in-a-century pandemic that BECAME a disaster thanks to what again?  Incompetence coming from Trump you say?  So-called conservatives living in QAnon’s evidence-free la-la-electric fairyland on 8channel you say?  Or maybe both of those points and every point in between them.

In shorter terms: While I personally believed President Biden could have acted sooner and done more--he could have easily went for greatness just by doubling his numbers, $20K baseline, $40K with Pell Grants, and doubled the income limit too--the truth is, getting this contrarian President to actually do something himself is like pulling teeth?  Yeah, I’ll take a win when I see it, we can wait until later to see if Manchin and Sinema merit getting their kneecaps ventilated over how much of the rest of Biden’s agenda they forcibly ruined.

Secondly, and yeah, I said I would get to this, I’m just sorry it took me nearly a week to do so.

But the truth is that Trump needs to go on trial for the things he did, and the things he encouraged.  Donald Trump needs to go on trial for both incitement of insurrection on January 6th, and for his deliberate mishandling of both Presidential records and Classified materials.  America needs to get a spine on this and demonstrate that NO ONE is above Rule of Law.  It really is that simple.

But there is something that needs to be said: the outcome of all that will not satisfy anyone.  It won’t.  Trump will most likely plead “no contest” whenever possible and while that’s the equivalent of a guilty plea, his followers will not accept that as such.  Meaning any authorities willing to actually do their as-stated job and stop insurrections from the trial of Trump are going to have their hands full. The joke gets better.  Should Trump be found guilty or the equivalent, yes, he will go to prison, but in sentencing the judge will have to consider his age, as well as his protection needs as a Former President.  Meaning, yes, as a really old rich-bitch, Trump will NEVER actually go to anything more than a medium-security white-collar prison.  No General Population for Trump.  His potential flight risk and insurrection risk merit medium security but his person doesn’t merit more than that (he’s 70-something, in mediocre health and needs at least trivial Secret Service protection).  Trump’s prison experience will be more like Martha Stewart’s, only more permanent.  Chalk that up to White Privilege, I sure do.  And I say that as a white guy.

About the only major benefit from Trump’s going to prison we can get is that he won’t be dead and a martyr.  He won’t inspire anyone anymore--indeed, the whole point of the sentence will be that Trump will die of old age being kept very much Isolated and Quiet.  Maybe that is the best we can hope for, is a situation where sure, people will raise hell but they’ll have to do it as “their own people” versus being led by Trump directly.

Third thing?  I keep saying this again and again, but now it looks like it might just happen.  This being an effective No More Republicans Scenario.  In short, the trial hits, it sweeps up enough figures in both the House and Senate to chill the midterms, and in essence, the Democratic Party gets the spine they needed last year, and uses the 14th Amendment to finally kick the rest of the bastards out to the curb.  On the one hand, yes, this is more incentive for the Idiot 30 Percent of every state (the Idiot 28 Percent, actually, plus the One Percenters and kept hacks who support them).  More fuel to their fire, more cause for them to raise hell, such as it is, but consider how much Trump has been bashing the Police lately.  This is a bad move in terms of tactics because the right-wingers don’t know that if they fight the Militarized Police here in America again, directly, they will die.  They will simply be shot dead.  Don’t think the police don’t know how their own suffered in the January 6th insurrection.  The alt-right as such have LOST the Blue Lives bunch and don’t know it.  This isn’t gloating, this is simply looking at how police behave in the USA, looking at what they demand of people typically, and looking at how Trumpist red-caps typically act.  Those who still follow Trump still think they can raise hell--and are in for a severely rude awakening on that.

In the meantime, the sensible 70 percent of us, in every state, just need to get used to the idea that we ARE going to go into a one-party state, temporarily, probably for the remainder of President Biden’s stay in the White House.  It probably won’t be all that severe but it will LOOK concerning to people who don’t know how the 14th Amendment works.  It’ll be a while before we get a post-Republican conservative party, and until that happens, Democrats and Independents will be the only shows in town and on the ballots.  But yeah, it’ will mostly look worse than it is, actually.  And I’m saying this from Illinois, where the current Governor has literally forced an emergency State-Level coup-d-etat just to make damned sure his state survives COVID-19 without endless bickering from the “but we LIKED Rauner” camp in the State Legislature and elsewhere.  No really, if even the “moderate” anti-Trump “republicans” had any say during the pandemic years, Chicago would be DEAD.  That’s the state-level conservative bias in the main, “fuck Chicago” because that’s “where them libtards breed and lay some eggs.”  =))  So yeah, maybe Governor J.B Pritzkier (whose last name I always mess up) has a point in Assuming ALL Direct Control for the time being.

And maybe kicking the Bastard Party out at the federal level is also a good thing, temporarily, as well.

[cecilyneville]

the spanish princess: episode 8

“why are people watching this show if they don’t like it???”

me: 

(i mean hating on this show, not actually watching it - nothing about tsp is fun, the whole thing has been mean-spirited from beginning to end)

ruairi was good as prince henry, but as king henry? awful

“i would not come to help you” so how much more of coa being a cunt are we going to get? bc if this episode is called “peace” i assume she has to...idk...start being a bit nicer

god, fucking finally

if they want us to like catherine bc she’s finally paying attention to mary that isn’t “HMM SHE IS NOT A BOY”, they got another thing coming

catherine was horrible to everyone including her ladies and her daughter, but she’s slightly nicer now so it’s ok!!!!

“men of arran and men of hamilton” the writers have finally realised there are more families in scotland than stewart and douglas

WHY has albany kidnapped james? at first i thought it was a ruse b/w him and meg but apparently not. wouldn’t it make more sense for her to return to scotland to find that angus has kidnapped james?

it makes so much sense for ef to just ignore the fact that margaret douglas exists and keep prince alexander alive

ursula where you been all this time???

finally some semi-accurate headwear on maggie. but ONLY on maggie, not on ursula, bc if it’s anything the costuming on all three series have taught us, only old ladies cover their heads

also finally - laura carmichael is getting some decent material to work with! (relatively speaking)

bessie instructing henry fitzroy is very similar to her tudors counterpart doing the same, bc of course

comb ur fuckin hair dude

i’m not gonna lie, this latin standoff between mary & henry fitzroy is hilarious, like a 16th-century spelling bee

“there’s nothing i can give a girl” except, you know, sending her to ludlow as heirs to the throne were before her, but even that level of nuance is too confusing for fraham

“my brother is more sympathetic to her cause than he has been” this week: henry discovers the concept of divorce

“go to the king anne, smile and win his favour” yet another barely-concealed tudors ripoff

thomas more just like “maggie you’re fucked up bc your life has been so shit”

if henry is speaking about this script then he is 100% correct

oh rosa’s here! so not one but BOTH of catherine’s besties will ditch her, delicious

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, THIS IS THE MOST OBVIOUS, CLUNKY WAY TO DO IT LMAO

oh they’re going for a becket/henry ii vibe here with wolsey & henry, don’t mind this

it bothers me SO much that they keep calling maggie henry’s aunt when they never bothered to include elizabeth’s actual sisters after they put cecily on a bus (which, to be fair, was probably for the best)

i kind of recoil when people say “[insert historical figure] would be so offended by this depiction” because if someone like catherine of aragon were shown any modern depiction of herself, her head would probably explode out of confusion and horror. BUT this is so offensive to the real catherine of aragon

i would like to see laura carmichael as elizabeth of york - it’s the big brown eyes

is she doing this out of hatred for her inability to give the king a son??? what does it all MEAN emma

i mean i guess he’s hotter than angus

i know this hunting scene is supposed to reflect something from part one which i didn’t watch, but it just reminds me of the tudors s1 finale when henry and anne fucked in the woods 

also reminds me very much of the great when peter tries to drown catherine

catherine quoting deuteronomy and unwittingly confessing to consummating her marriage with arthur...CONGRATULATIONS YOU PLAYED YOURSELF

soz to sound like a broken record but the fact that people - even some actual critics - watch CH’s performance and think this is actually good acting will never not be funny to me, she’s atrocious. it’s so jarring looking at behind the scenes footage and seeing her smiling, like couldn’t you actually do this on screen? she plays catherine like the woman’s never felt happiness in her life, or any other emotion for that matter

lina’s not gonna sell catherine out and i’m so mad about it, she has treated you like SHIT for YEARS

god, she can’t even cry believingly

HELL YES MEG, DISCO INFERNO

we won’t have time to see meg’s marriage to henry stewart fail spectacularly, which is probably a good thing bc my heart would break

catherine has been absolutely VILE to lina but it’s ok bc she’s said sorry now

“i would speak with you” / “it seems you already are” LOLLLL

so funny that it’s only NOW that they’re getting french hoods of some kind, but not with actual veils because, like i said, only old dowdy matrons don’t get to show their sexy hair

WHAAAAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

i mean, i’m not surprised, given how much fraham hate anne 

“so, you’re playing anne boleyn. congrats! but you’ll only get, like, one line, and you WILL have to get your tits out”

guys she’s so upset can’t you tell

CH got a taste for holding bows on game of thrones it’s the only thing she’s good at

STELLLAAAAAA

of course meg has to actually fire the cannons rather than just train them on angus and his men, but this is very fun

surprised they didn’t point out that one of scotland’s greatest cannons was called “mons meg”

fuck this nice scene between catherine and lina! she doesn’t deserve your forgiveness lina!!!

i guess catherine’s woke levels need to be maintained by keeping her one black friend who was a slave irl

hahahaha i fucking love her

“i will always be your wife, there is nothing you can do to change that” knock knock it’s the reformation

catherine choosing to leave makes no sense for this show or for the history they’re ~supposed~ to be depicting

“you will never take my place as queen of england” KNOCK KNOCK IT’S THE REFORMATION

catherine is an old lady now so we shall signify this by giving her a gable hood

catherine she just asked if the bird was dead jesus

which it should be by now...it’s been around since like 1510??

ah yes, let’s bring back that other metaphor, the imperialism compass 

if all the disgruntled tories had their way this would be on the end credits of every episode of the crown too

and that’s all folks! let’s all be thankful that this show didn’t submit us to an absolute butchery of catherine’s blackfriars speech

[demonfox38]

Okay. Made it through the last season of Netflix's "Castlevania" interpretation. Thoughts are below the cut.

I've often thought of this series as the exploitation version of "Castlevania," and hiring Malcom McDowell confirms that.

Although, I find it hilarious that both Malcolm McDowell and Patrick Stewart have ended up voicing the same character. I'm sure there's a "Star Trek Generations" joke to be made in there, but I'm not Mike Stoklasa.

Also, I was cracking up a bit when Varney's plot twist happened. Mostly, because it came off a bit Skeletor-esque in vocal performance.

Also, also—laughing that the final boss went the "Castlevania: Lament of Innocence" route despite barely touching on that game's plot.

Animation had its ups and downs with this season. It seemed like there were some frame issues (not enough inbetweening.) I do appreciate how they incorporated more of Alucard's SOTN animations into his fights, however.

Additionally, some of the fight scenes' pacing seemed to have issues, particularly regarding weapon recovery.

The whole bit with St. Germain was off. Like, he's a weird asshole in "Castlevania: Curse of Darkness", but he's more of a weird asshole there in the same way that casually encountering "Doctor Who"'s Doctor would also be strange. Not a straight up villainous boob. Kinda makes sense thematically to have another character who is willing to do horrible shit for their lost loved one, but the series honestly did not do a good job establishing her. Like, did she even have a voice actor? Or a name? All I'm saying is it was much easier for outsiders to get the Lisa revenge thing Dracula had going.

Also, how dare you joke about not being deaf and then have a villainous monologue, TV show.

Greta's a good girl. Well, outside of being an occasional homewrecker. Point is, she's competent and trying her best to save people in a bad situation, and anyone having issues with her is not to be trusted in the same way that you don't trust people who don't like Rochelle from "Left 4 Dead 2."

Look at me. Do not trust people who do not like Rochelle from "Left 4 Dead 2." Yes, her writing could have been better, but she's still a viable character. Let people Thunder Child their ships on the rocks of your better self. Got me?

Also, y'all really need to embrace more polyamory. Or understand the fact that Alucard's not going to love just one person in his life. Dude lives to be at least 600 in the game's timeline. For a dude who loves humans, constricting him to just one who may live to be 100 at best is cruel.

There are some interesting philosophical dialogues going on here, but I can see where some people may lose their patience for them. Considering one of Castlevania's most popular memes is a philosophy debate, you're just gonna have to suck that up. My personal favorites included the topic of acting versus reacting, as well as having agency in one's story.

Striga's battle theme was cool, but otherwise, the music was forgettable. Yes, that is a sin. Punishable by Death? In this series, maybe!

The gore's still over the top. Which, okay, fine. There's a bit of that in game. It's just generally a bit more reserved with it or uses it in crucial boss fights.

RIP doggie.

The Targoviste plot's a bit of a wash, but it doesn't feel as useless as Trevor and Sypha's previous plot predicament. It's just nothing of a surprise, considering how many times the writing has played the "authority figures are useless" and "dark secret surprise" tropes in this series. Like, Greta being reliable is actually more surprising than anything with this plot.

I cannot emphasize enough how boring I found Carmilla's interpretation and plot arc. You guys could have had a giant, naked lesbian riding a skull and spewing magic at people while her cat-eared girlfriend jumped them for extra damage. But no. Vanilla lady with a scarlet sword for you. So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Good night.  

Gotta say, as much of a deviation from his source character as he is, Isaac really turned out well in this series. He's definitely evidence that you don't always need to stick to source material.

His Abel is fucking sick, dude. Way to go, king.

Also, I was expecting more violence from Hector this season. Oh, well. At least he got a teeny bit of a spine.

Look. I'm not an alchemist by any means. I'm just a bit baffled by this season's emphasis of obtaining a Rebis. Like, any time the game series has talked about the Magnum Opus of Alchemy, it's more been in pursuit of making a Philosopher's Stone (or at the very least, a Crimson Stone, as seen in "Castlevania: Lament of Innocence.") Pulling a Rebis out of the aether is…well. Could have been more interesting than it was. I mean, it was a bit nightmarish, but it really didn't do much.

Sypha's really never getting back to her family, is she?

Love the idea that the cross subweapon is basically a fancy chakram.

GERGOTH. BUDDY. FRIENDO.

Really appreciating the monster variety in these last two seasons. I mean, that's a big selling point of the "Castlevania" games. Not so much vampires standing around and bickering in dick-waving contests.

Breaking out of the bullet points to hit on the big subject of this season—that is, the ending being surprisingly happy.

There's been a lot of shit that's happened over the last few years. Obviously, a pandemic. Konami's run by pricks. Then, there's the situation with the allegations of sexual coercion with Warren Ellis. Additionally, the terrible ending of "Game of Thrones" likely impacted how this season was developed, considering it seemed to be chasing its progression in construction. (I mean, look at Carmilla and Daenerys.) I don't know how many people were happy with the last season of "Castlevania," but from my POV, it double-tapped itself in the foot with the way it pushed simultaneous sex and violence in its last two episodes. My point is, there was little taste for additional darkness, considering everything that has been happening. Society is drained.

A happy ending was what people really wanted. And man, did this pull through, in that regard. But, there's a conversation to be had in if this swerved too far or if it violates some artistic integrity to give people what they want. So, let's have it.

Look. Man. Have you seen a "Castlevania" ending? When you do it right, it's crumbled castles and rainbow-colored skies. If you do it really right, it results in a pretty girl holding the main character's hand. There is happiness in these games. Hope. Forgiveness and redemption. If this is supposed to be any bit an accurate interpretation of these games, it absolutely should end in such a joyful fashion. (Okay, maybe giving Dracula and Lisa a second honeymoon at the end was a bit much, but I get where people would want that.)

Did some items need to be addressed more? Absolutely. Alucard staking people and Hector getting sexually coerced into servitude are some pretty big topics to just wave away. (Oh, shit. That second part is even worse now with what Ellis was allegedly doing, isn't it?) I suppose I'm just glad the series didn't go full Sephiroth with Alucard. And at least Hector finally took some stand in his situation, even if it wasn't the bombastic, hateful revenge I'm used to seeing from this character in other stories.

I think the creators of this series were trying to save this show from the fate of "Game of Thrones." (To some extent, perhaps the "Voltron" re-interpretation as well.) There's so much media out there anymore that if a production team doesn't nail the ending, their creation gets wiped out of the collective consciousness. To that extent, I think the creators were successful in saving their series. Did it do damage to itself in yanking out of its construction and themes? A bit. But, in doing so, it pivoted back to being more like a proper "Castlevania" product. (And of course, by proper, I mean anything ignoring "Lords of Shadows." God, people need to stop chasing other products when developing "Castlevania" stuff and just let the series be as it is.)

I am very curious as to how much of this season was part of an original draft and how much was revised in backlash to everything that has happened. It doesn't seem like Trevor was intended to survive, but to some extent, Sypha had to. (I mean, until she has a kid, anyway. See "Lords of Shadows" series for dickery regarding that.) I'm also wondering if there was more intended for the Carmilla subplot, as much as the series was banging on about her invading locations. I'm not even sure St. Germain was intended to be a villain all along. Getting into a bitchfight with Death? Sure. Doing what he did here? That's a weird arc, dude.

If you come away from my POV with anything, it should be this: GO PLAY THE GAMES.

Do it. Do it, you ghouls. Go to the Steam store and download the "Castlevania Anniversary Collection." Boot up your PS3 or 4 or 18 or whatever and get "Symphony of the Night." Throttle Nintendo's stores until "Aria of Sorrow" or "Dawn of Sorrow" or "Harmony of Dissonance" or whatever rattles out of their moldy pockets. Find a ROM. Find an ISO. Just play a game. Especially, one of the ones made before 2010.

"Castlevania" as a game series isn't about hordes of vampires dick-waving at each other or edgy swearing or being grim and dark. Some of that stuff's there, sure. But, at its core, it's what game developers created when they looked at Universal Monster Movie creations and went "That's cool. Let's fight that!" It's a series about pushing technology in MMC chips to make rich, vibrant music. It's about flourishing artwork and layers of sprites dripping particles and gore onto players. It's sober and goofy and very pro curry.

The thing is, "Castlevania" players have their own unique connection to the series. We're the weirdos you see clapping their hands when a mutilated dinosaur shows up on screen. It's not because the monster alone is cool. It's that we've fought and struggled and bodied that thing through several floors like a goddamn "X-Men: Children of the Atom" stage. It's kicked our asses. We've kicked its ass. We've got a connection to it that you just don't get from passively watching it barf lasers through a computer monitor or TV screen. Like, you know how people go, "Well, the movie wasn't as good as the book?" It's obnoxious, sure. But, those who read the source materials have to go to the effort of constructing their own sets and people to understand what's happening. In a similar fashion, game players build up their own skill set to reach that next rung.

Maybe you don't always get a payout when you invest your resources into something. But, there is a sense of accomplishment, seeing what you can do.

There's a reason this series got an adaptation. I mean, outside of Konami's head executives wanting easy money. "Castlevania" is a fantastic video game series. Has it got a few problems? Oh yeah. Especially after outsourcing and pachislot machines became all the rage. But, there's a reason Simon and Richter Belmont are playable in "Super Smash Bros. Ultimate." There's a reason I spent a significant amount of time playing these games and writing or drawing fanworks for it. These games are wonderful. Beautiful. Difficult, but inspiring. Reasons I will still bang on about them decades years down the road.

When I get exasperated by layers of angst and edge lord content this Netflix series generated, I want you to know why. The roots of this show are good games held captive under poor management. Some people on staff know this. I wish they had more scenario and writing control. But mostly, I don't want to shit on them or their work. (Well, other than perhaps the obvious target.) I just want you to see what I love in these games.

And also to watch Crashervania. Because that's legit.

[whispered-silence]

Getting Started <3

Synopsis: 

After four years of living and studying in a city, Serfina Fischer is ready to return to small town living- just…not in her hometown. After finding a job she leaves behind the city and her Appalachian roots and moves to Pierce Point, Maine where she expects a quiet life of curating exhibits for the town’s museum, maybe selling things at the local farmers’ market, and getting used to the Maine winters. What she wasn’t expecting was to become embroiled in the local coven, uncover a cold case murder mystery, or find the love of her life, but Mama didn’t raise a quitter. 

Writing Playlist: 

Important Characters are listed under the cut!

Important Characters:

picrews of main characters can be found here, the following is a list of important characters with more information about them

Serfina Fischer

22 years old

dark brown hair, olive skin, grey eyes

from West Virginia, went to college in Ohio

witty and good with her hands

strained relationship with her family

enjoys classic lit and horror movies

avid knitter

keeps a small garden

likes to watch and play sports

has a black cat named Charlotte

Henry "Hank" O'Brien

24 years old

curly red hair, freckles, pale skin, green eyes

from Owls Head, Maine- went to college locally

very clumsy, gets seasick

raised by a single mom after his father was murdered, very close to his family

sings folk songs and little made up ditties under his breath all the time

likes Jane Austen

loves baking- is a GBBO fanatic

shy but kind

absolutely CHUGS his respect women juice

Sammy's ex boyfriend and best friend

Sammy Park

24 years old

dark brown hair, brown eyes, square jaw

from Portland, Maine- went to the same college as Hank

works in IT

used to play hockey

Hank's ex boyfriend and one of his best friends

enjoys gardening

2nd generation Korean, calls his grandma three times a week

excitable and extroverted but awkward

bar trivia enthusiast

Juniper "June" Charles

23 years old

black hair in deads, brown eyes, dark skinned, chubby

from Owls Head, Maine - went to college in Orono, Maine

Hank's childhood best friend

works in HR at the same company that Sammy works for

raised by a single dad

close friends with Serfina

big horror movie fan

loves to cook and bake

softspoken and shy but very personable

Aiken Richardson

78 years old

Joshua's husband

generally based physically in Sir Ian McKellen

family are transplants from Canada

longitme family friend of the O'Briens

hopeless romantic, local match maker, concoctor of hairbrained schemes

loves baking and cooking (but it took him a long time to learn how to make anything edible)

has a reputation for being something of an airhead but it's just an act

bilingual in French and English

attended McGill University and has a degree in literature

Joshua Richardson

79 years old

Aiken's husband

based physically on Sir Patrick Stewart

family is based in Owls Head, Maine

tight laced serious business man in public,  a huge romantic softie in private

has been with Aiken for literal decades, is still a little uncertain that Aiken likes him

not particularly bold or brave, prioritizes safety and security over doing the right thing at times

Heather O'Brien

47 years old

Hank's mom

blonde hair, blue eyes, glasses, kinda dresses like Ms. Frizzle

throws birthday parties for her dog

accountant- does the books for her family’s fishing business

incredibly soft person, very loving and forgiving

watches a lot of romcoms

ice cream enthusiast

from Augusta, Maine, moved to Owls Head after college for a fresh start

soft spoken

Bobby O'Brien

would be 50 years old

Hank's dad

red hair usually pulled back in a bun, scruffy beard, freckles, typically sunburnt

loud and goofy, sang all the time- even if the song wasn't necessarily what most people would think appropriate for the occasion

was murdered at age 31

worked on his family's fishing boat

grew up in Owls Head and never left

loved his family more than anything

Rosemarie Clarke

would be 38

died at age 19

Molly's daughter

brown curly hair, brown eyes, heart shaped face

shy and insecure, people pleaser

wanted to be an artist

Margaret "Molly" Clarke

65 years old

lead archivist at the museum but does not have a degree in Library Sciences

pinched face, white bobbed hair, blue eyes, long face with a large chin

cannot stand to be corrected

feels the need to constantly talk about her family's connections

Rosemarie's mom

April Jenkins

19 years old

Hank's younger cousin

light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, sunburnt skin, arm and shoulder muscles for days

works on her family’s fishing boat

suffers from wanderlust

loves horror movies

[isaketeven]

“Holding everything in doesn’t help, you know.”

so i did a thing... i dunno? even though my degree is in creative writing the only creative writing i’ve done in the last year is shared writes with my lovely year 5 class, so forgive me if it’s rusty (or just not very good lol!) but yeah, feedback welcome!! i based it off of the prompt ‘holding everything in doesn’t help, you know’ :)

“Holding everything in doesn’t help, you know.”

As Ben entered the house, the fresh smell of chicken pasta hit his nose, overpowering all of his senses at once. He smiled softly, remembering it was Callum’s turn to make tea tonight. They usually alternated between Callum, Ben and getting a takeaway, as neither of them were particularly talented in the kitchen (though Callum would always argue otherwise, of course).

“Of course he’s gone for chicken pasta. What else would he make?” Ben thought to himself, shaking his head fondly.

Attempting to sneak through the hallway into the kitchen unnoticed, Ben tried to keep his footsteps light, wanting to surprise his boyfriend as he had managed to get a flyer from the car lot. Nearing the kitchen, he slowly opened the door, making sure it didn’t make any unforgiving creaks that would give him away. He expected to see Callum with the radio on (radio two, of course, which Ben would swiftly change once he was in the house because ‘radio two is for old people, Cal’) dancing to a Rod Stewart classic.

The scene that greeted him, however, was a one very different to the one Ben had expected: Callum was stood, statue-still, staring blankly at the bubbling pan in front of him, which appeared to be threatening to overflow at any moment. Before Ben could register what he was looking at, the pan let off a shriek, and suddenly boiling water was everywhere: all over the stove, all over the floor and, most terrifyingly, all over Callum.

“Jesus Christ! Cal, wake up! What the fuck are you playing at?!” Ben questioned, exasperated. Jumping into action, he swiftly turned the stove off to stop the pan dead in its tracks.

Callum, who was now wearing a dazed expression of bemusement, shook his head. The man, who appeared to be catching up to what had just happened, suddenly clutched his left hand tightly, agony slowly taking over his face.

“I…. I don’t know what just happened..” Callum replied, his blinking becoming erratic as he attempted to process the scene in front of him. “Shit, are you okay?!”

Callum lunged forward, an alarmed look on his face as he hysterically searched for some type of injury on Ben’s body.  

“Cal… I’m fine. I just got here… You, on the other hand…” Ben said, slowly. “You’ve just burnt your hand pretty bad, Cal. Does it hurt?”

Ben carefully lifted Callum’s hand up, assessing it.

“It hurts a little, not too much, actually,” Callum shrugged, feigning calmness while his head was spinning with pain and confusion, questioning what the fuck had just happened.

“You sure?” Ben replied, not convinced as he stared at Callum’s hand, red raw. Looking closer, however, he realised the burn appeared superficial. “Looks like you’re lucky, the water must have mostly hit the floor,” He said, making his way to the first aid drawer (Kathy’s idea, of course) to look for something, anything to make this situation better.

“Go and put your hand under the warm water, Cal, I’ve heard that makes it better,” Ben advised, attempting to stay calm and defuse the situation, for Callum’s sake.

As he searched for a plaster or something to put over the burn, however, his mind was going a hundred miles an hour as he wondered what had just happened. It’s not that Callum had been ‘weird’ the last few weeks, so to speak. It’s that he definitely hasn’t been ‘normal’, either. There have been more than a few nights where Ben has woken up to an empty bed at 6, 5, 4 o’clock in the morning; Callum has been distant. Not distant enough that Ben had thought anything drastic was happening, but distant enough that he’d vowed to keep an eye on him.

Once they had sorted Callum out and bandaged his hand up, Callum went to get the mop out, wanting to start on the kitchen.

“What are you doing, Cal? Come on, that can wait… c’mere.” Ben said, taking Callum’s hand in his and leading him to the friendlier living room atmosphere.

As the two men sat on the couch, the awkward atmosphere stifling the two of them completely, Ben could see Callum gradually becoming tenser and tenser; clearly anticipating what Ben was about to say.

“So… what exactly happened there, Cal?” Ben questioned, softly, not wanting to overpower Callum, however knowing there was something more going on here.

“What do you mean? The pan overflowed… No big deal,” Callum replied, shrugging nonchalantly as he searched for the TV remote, desperate for some type of distraction from the conversation that lay ahead of them.

“Come on Cal, we both know that’s not true. I know you better than that.” Ben replied, cautiously. Though he didn’t want to pressure Callum into talking to him, it stung that his boyfriend felt he couldn’t confide in him, especially considering everything they’d been through recently.

“Look, it’s nothing! Can we just leave it?” Callum snapped.

“No, Cal. We can’t. I’m sorry, but you’re the one who’s always encouraging me to talk about how I feel, what’s bothering me, all that shit. And even though it’s annoying most of the time…” Callum shook his head fondly as Ben smirked, “it really has helped. So now, it’s your turn. It was you who said it: holding everything in doesn’t help, you know?”

“I… It’s…” Callum tripped over his words as he tried to comprehend what had been taking over his mind recently. “It’s… The kidnapping… Keanu… It all just… Brought it all back, you know? The army, I mean.” Callum chanced a look at Ben’s face, nervously, which was etched with painful understanding.

“The fighting. The pain. All of it. And I… I’ve been struggling to sleep. Well, to be honest, I’ve been struggling to do anything recently, Ben. I can’t stop… Thinking about it. Sometimes I wake up, and I’m there, you know? I’m back, sometimes in the warehouse, screaming out for help; other times in the war… I just can’t get it out of my head. All of it. The feeling: of danger, of impending doom, of something bad being about to happen at any moment. And it’s like I can’t sleep… I can’t think… Sometimes, I can’t- I can’t breathe, Ben.” As he finished, blinking back tears, breathing shallow, Callum let out a sigh: partly of relief, partly of something entirely different.

“I… I had no idea, Cal. Shit. I knew you’d been distant, but I just thought it was because the anniversary of the wedding was coming up. Shit…” Ben shook his head, exasperated with himself that he hadn’t noticed something so big, so important, sooner.

“It’s not… it’s not your fault, Ben. You have enough going on, I know that, it’s why I haven’t said anything,” Callum replied, giving Ben a sad, knowing smile as he played nervously with a loose thread on his jeans. “I just… I’ve been struggling, you know?”

“I do have shit going on, Cal, it’s true. But that doesn’t mean your shit isn’t important too. God… I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this because you thought I have too much going on. I want to be there for you, halfwit, don’t you get that?” Ben said, smiling, half mocking, half deadly serious, trying to get Callum to understand.

“Ya right, I know ya right, Ben. It’s just hard, to talk about, as it is. Without everything else, you know? But ya right. From now on, I’ll try. I’ll try to talk to you about it. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I’ll try. That OK?” Callum questioned, finally turning to face Ben and look him in the eyes.

“That’s OK, Cal. Neither of us are ever going to be perfect at the ‘talking about our feelings’ shit, are we? But, as long as we try… that’s all that counts, yeah?” Ben replied.

A moment of contentment washed over the two men as they sat, hand in hand, taking in the conversation they’d just had. A small smile appeared on the two lover’s faces.

“I love you, you know?” Callum declared, tenderly planting a kiss on Ben’s flushed cheek.

“I know. Me too. You know that, don’t you?” Ben responded, nervously, searching Callum’s face for validation.

“I do,” Callum replied, gently cupping his hands around Ben’s face, willing him to understand what he was trying to say, “I promise, I know.” Callum leaned in, slowly planting his lips on Ben’s, kissing his boyfriend with such compassion, such devotion that Ben understood: this hadn’t been about him. Callum hadn’t kept quiet because of him, because he felt unloved, misunderstood. He’d kept quiet because of the exact opposite.

Before the kiss threatened to become deeper than was appropriate for a living room couch with a 7-year-old daughter due any minute, Ben stopped the two with one final, loving peck, getting up from the couch and heading to the kitchen.

“Alright, alright, that’s enough. Stop trying to have your wicked way with me, would ya?” Turning around, winking slyly at his boyfriend.

Callum shook his head fondly, pulling a face at his boyfriend as he followed him into the kitchen.

“So, tea… Fancy a takeaway? Don’t think that chicken pasta’s up to much, d’you?” Callum questioned, pulling a face that read ‘oops.’

“Doesn’t look like it, does it? Unless we’re eating off of the kitchen floor?” Ben responded, shooting a sarcastic look in his boyfriend’s direction.

“Better than some of the stuff you cook up, I suppose, init?” Callum retorted with ease, winking arrogantly at the Mitchell.

Ben feigned hurt, spluttering retorts as the two found their way to each other’s arms once again.

As the two bickered over which takeaway to get, the two men, in this moment, felt happy. It was never going to be easy; it was never going to be perfect.

But the one thing it was?

Worth it.

[talvin-muircastle]

The Last of the King’s Men (Original Fiction)

This was the first story I wrote in November 2015, when I was doing my Short-Story-A-Day challenge.  

Content warning: violent death.

And so I begin again, for the fourth year.  It's semi-traditional that I start out with something that has a "spooky" element to it.  I've had this one stirring in my head for a while, but I had to sit down and write it after a very long day.  Still: a single draft. It stands.

The murder happened around midnight.  They woke Inspector Arrensby at a quarter to three. "Beg pardon, sir," said the patrolman at his door, "Man found dead in the park, and it's a strange killin', it is.  I have a coach waiting." "Of course.  Come in out of the cold while I get ready." He could barely see the lanterns through the fog when they reached the park.  Together they made their way over to the body.  The patrolman filled him in as they walked.  "It was me as found him, sir, on my rounds.  Literally tripped right over him in this soup.  No sign of a struggle, no sign of a weapon, and well, it's not gonna be the sort of thing you can stick in your pocket...look." "In the King's Name!" swore Arrensby.  The body lay on its stomach, and the head sat on a rock a short distance away, bearing a crown made of browning oak leaves.   "Aye, sir.  This is why we wanted you.  Man beheaded, wearing a crown of oak...looks kinda like the old King's crown from the books, don't it?  Except there ain't no King no more, not for a century and some." "No," whispered Arrensby, "there is no more King."  And it was true. The King lay dead at his feet. Late morning, and Arrensby had had no sleep, no food, and no answers.  The first two he would remedy soon enough, but first he had a duty to perform.  A hired coach dropped him at the front door of Wallens House, the home of the recently deceased.  He had been there many times before, but always by the back way, by night or disguised.  Today, none would think it odd if he used the front door.   The sun shone brightly through the crisp air, the first sun that had been clearly seen in a month.  It was bitter irony that the death of a great man should be heralded by pleasant weather.  Storms and gloom seemed more appropriate, somehow.  Yet they had had enough of both this last year, with a poor harvest, ships lost at sea, and an outbreak of the fever that had left families mourning their children and elders too soon.  I should be glad of the sun, thought the Inspector.   I suppose I should. The door opened, and Arrensby was shown into the parlor.  A young woman sat there in a chair that would only suggest a throne to someone inclined to think in such terms already: Catherine Wallens, only daughter of Cecil Wallens.  He knelt before her, "My Queen." "Not yet, Andrew.   Frederick: the blade."  Her butler handed her a slender sword, which she lay across her hands.  They shook slightly, but he pretended not to notice.   He set his right hand upon the sword and his left upon his heart.  "The Queen is the Land, and the Land is the Queen.  I, Andrew Stewart Arrensby, do swear upon this blessed blade that I shall serve the Land by serving my Sovereign the Queen, and that I shall serve Her by serving the Land and Her People.  I further swear that none not of the Court shall know my true allegiance, nor that the Line continues unbroken!" He withdrew his hand, and she laid the sword across her lap.  "I accept your oath and your loyalty, Guardsman.  Now I beg of you: tell me of my father." "My Queen, I know too little.   It...it was clearly ritualistic.  Perhaps some attempt to raise power.  I must consult with Master Kenneth: if Magic was involved, it both shortens our list of suspects and increases the threat to you.   Ah...forgive me.  Has Mr. Perry been informed?" She blinked back tears and nodded.  "The Admiralty sent a message by wireless this morning.  He is currently serving as Commodore Entwright's Flag Lieutenant, and the Commodore is putting him on the next fast ship home, on compassionate leave.  The wedding...will of course be delayed, as I will be in mourning."  The Queen's Fiancee safely across the water.   Inwardly, Andrew breathed a sigh of relief: none were above suspicion, yet it eased his mind to be able to move that one further down the list. "Your Majesty, I must continue my investigation.  I have spoken to the other Guardsmen already, and the watch upon you will be increased.  If there is anything else I may do, call for me." "Thank you.  Please keep me...Us...informed." The butler showed him out, asking if he should summon a cab, but the Inspector declined: he wanted to walk to clear his head.  Soon he found himself taking his lunch at one of the capital's many cookshops, eating without really noticing the taste as he pondered the death of his Sovereign Lord. A hundred and fifty years ago, the last King had died without issue--or so it was thought.  The Age of Magic was ended, the Age of Reason begun, and already many felt that time of the Kings and Knights was done as well.  For centuries it had been said that the King was the Land and the Land was the King, and that if the Line ever ended, so would the Kingdom and her people.  The death of a childless monarch had been heralded as proof that the old stories of magic and wonder were only that: stories.   They were wrong.  The King had hidden a daughter from all but his closest advisors, and she had been raised--secretly, but in plain sight--to assume the throne upon his death.  As the Kingdom transitioned to a form of government based on elections and public debate, the Royal Court slipped into the shadows.   Its members occupied key positions in the government--though never the Prime Ministry--and subtly guided this journey into self-government.   They were content to act only when this young, untested form of rule faltered.  For a century and a half, it had worked.   "Mr. Wallens", descended of an old Yeoman family of good fortune and good character (which that first secret Queen had married into) was a respected scholar of law, the sort of man that the courts and the politicians turned to when matters were less than clear.  Thus he had served his people openly, while speaking more plainly to the members of his Court behind closed doors. Mr. Wallens was not the sort of man who would be murdered in some bizarre ritual. King Cecil II was almost certainly the intended victim. Sleep would have to wait.  He needed answers, and Master Kenneth. Kenneth Owen, Ph.D., R.S.M. A Fellow of the Royal Society--still called that, out of tradition.  Naturalist, Philosopher, Ordained Minister, a Navigator in the Navy in his youth, a polymath of wit and skill.  Also: Royal Mage.  He opened the door at the first ring, "Inspector.  I knew you would seek me out.  Come in." Arrensby went in, marvelling as always at the decor.  Most Mages had to hide their vocation in this Age of Reason, but an man as eccentric and eclectic as Master Kenneth could put his tools on public display: "A fascinating study in anthropology!" he would tell the curious, and proceed to tell his visitors the precise use of each bit in a tone that implied that he didn't believe a word of it.  Master Kenneth also fancied himself Court Jester at times, and the old King had never corrected him for saying so. "You're here about His Majesty, of course.  Dreadful, utterly dreadful...but he hadn't been feeling well all this year, and so now he is spared that at least."  Master Kenneth was an odd sort, but this was strange even for him.  He puttered about his office nervously, moving things about.   Arrensby felt a stirring of concern.   "I...found the manner of his passing to be most peculiar.  It looked more like a sacrifice in some ritual, truth be told." "Oh, most definitely, most definitely a sacrifice.  Old magic, it was.  The King is the Land, the Land is the King.  If one prospers, so does the other.  If one is overcome, both are overcome.  Normally it passes...well, normally!  Sometimes, though, stronger measures are called for.  He knew that.  That's why he came to me." "What...what are you saying?"  Arrensby was sweating, now, despite the draft from the window at his back.  "The King is the Land...we say it, but that's not how it really works." Kenneth turned, and his eyes shone with a frantic inner light.  "That is the Reason in you speaking.  Ask the Guardsman, the one who is also a Knight.  Look outside, Andrew!  Not a cloud in the sky!  The land is young and fresh again!" Sir Andrew was on his feet, now, without memory of having risen.  "You couldn't have...that would be treason!" "No, not treason!  He left a letter here, explaining it all.  And this book here...this is the diary of a madman. I have been preparing it ever since His Majesty gave me my orders.  And this," Master Kenneth snatched at a sword hanging on the wall amidst the other curios, "is the murder weapon. EN GARDE, SIR!"   There was no time to think, no time to attempt to reason with him.  Master Kenneth, aged though he was, lifted the blade over his head and charged screaming. Arrensby's hand darted inside his jacket. CRACK!   The pistol-shot was nearly deafening in that old office.  Outside, he heard the whistles of patrolmen.   Near midnight, he knelt again before his Queen.  Sleep would come soon, but first he had to make his report.  He handed over the King's Last Will and Testament, in which Cecil had explained that he knew that his own illness and the sickness of the land were one, and that only his death would end them both.  Over his own seal, he said that he had ordered Kenneth to do it, and that Kenneth planned his own death as well, to bring closure to the case in the public eye.   The diary had satisfied Arrensby's superiors in the force: poor old Master Kenneth, his mind had snapped.  He had attempted some spell out of an old book that required a human sacrifice, an act of madness from one who had spent too much time with such things.  Only a few knew the truth. "Thank you, Andrew.  I wondered, when Kenneth did not come to me.  I sent him word at first light, but he did not come.  Always before, he had come when I asked for him.  Had he come today, though, he would have had to swear to me, and he couldn't.  He held faith with my father, even as he betrayed me."  She looked down at her father's letter again. "Truly, he was the last of the King's Men."