#will forever fuck me up inside
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There's something about how in Act 3 after Gale has visited the Stormshore Tabernacle, he tells the player (if romanced);
“I would much rather gaze into your eyes than hers. Yours are capable of tenderness, and feeling. No god could ever compare.”
It's worth noting that throughout the game one of Gale's most prominent characteristics is his very expressive eyes, we see it in almost all of his scenes when he looks at the player, in particular his Act 2 and Act 3 romance scene, as well other instances throughout.
But compare that to Gale after he becomes a god, his eyes are no longer the same soulful, emotional eyes as before, but glowing with ambition even if he's trying to express his emotions. He'll never truly look at the player like he once did, even if he still loves them.
#THIS IS WHY I HATE THE GOD GALE ENDING!!!!!#listen#I am a BIG sucker for the ‘humanity cannot be imitated by gods’ trope#I think it’s sexy as hell and it makes humanity MEAN something#(actually wrote a poem about it that I might edit idk)#so seeing Gale#one of the most human and heartfelt characters in the game#LOSE that sense of humanity#will forever fuck me up inside#me and my homies HATE God Gale 😭#reblog#bg3#Gale#gale dekarios#god gale
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my self gift for my borthday: the final design for my mobiansona!!
srry for the sad drawing but i needed somewhere to vent. anyway los completos son la mejor wea del mundo ctm
dont forget ur daily clicks!!
#if youve seen my older drawings you prob recognize them. it used to be an opossum and its design was uh. worse.#and now ive finally changed it to something i like more!! he def feels more like me now#have i had top surgery? no. will that stop me from drawing my sona w top srugery scars? nuh uh bitch#also birthdays are so fucked. id love to Not Grow Up like. wdym im an adult now.#oh to be forever inside the womb................#sth#sonic fanart#sonic#bug the moonrat#sonic oc#mobiansona#nov.aart#nov.oodles#tw sui ideation
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here together
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobotomy corporation spoilers#abram lobcorp#i didnt know that the song that plays during day 48 ending is called 'here together'.#couldnt hear it well because i typically have my sound low (sensetive to louder sounds) and also the dialog fucked me up#so when i pressed on it to hear it. to actually listen to it. then to see the name and remember what it Looked like#i got teary eyed. sorry.#it happened quite. afew times when finishing this shitty thing#i was thinking of how camren's not quite corpse looked as if it were reaching out to him inside the container#how it looked as if she had wings. abrams words. the line from one story that was--#something like 'we were hoping it was just one big prank and she would hop out fro. around the corner with a smile on her face'#how do you move forward when all you think you cause is pain? when everything else youve done only brought to bring people you love to thei#downfall and demise inside agony and fear as they lay dying. none of that was merciful. none of that was just. they were told to carry on#her dream and he views as if all he had done was to become cruel and wasnt fit and never even began to finish what she started.#it was so striking to me. the language he used. sleeping. alseep. waken. when all the others never sugarcoated it#in lobcorp they always said it straight. 'suicide' 'killed' 'dead'. but he used something far more.. peaceful? kind in wording in a way.#softer. describing death as if it were a merciful thing. an end that suits them and not something to be afraid of. to just... sink. to slee#to be with carmen again. to put everything to an end#the place they built with their hands. to have it just... stop. not in a way of repeating and staying in the moment#but of a permanent end. to 'sleep'. to die. to just.... stop. forever. to see no more. to do no more#to not be able to do Anything for when ever he had done Something it just cause agony. cruel hands partaking in acts he so deeply#regrets. everything is just regret. it sounds nice. to move on. to just move forward. but how can you move forward when all you think you#bring to those you cherished and couldnt leave behind is pain?#ill likely move this somewhere else as well. ive been meaning to talk about abram#the rest as well actually. mostly just the few final days w abel adam and abram since i am STUCK ON DAY 49#oh dear i uh typed a lot in the tags. oops
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"God loves you so much he wont let you die horror trope" is basically the plot of the first few seasons of the venture bros from hank and deans perspective except instead of god its rusty and also they spend like 16 years not knowing this is happening
#the venture bros#hank venture#dean venture#rusty venture#also they die all the time#i was thinking about how multiple people have come up to hank and deano and told them#yeah ive seen you die you should not be here#and how fucked up that is#rusty 'i grew up surrounded by death and superscience and now death is meaningless to me beyond a hurdle to jump' venture#rusty 'everyone in my life controls me except these two kids who i control and i refuse to let them go' venture#rusty 'my kids have died a dozen times and each death lives inside of me forever' venture#damn what a show huh?
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#supernatural#summer sons <3#me is mark#apologies for the summer sons/spn posting again#but once again the show is digging at my weaknesses#he did some fucked up stuff. made me drink his blood....!!!#i'm always thinking/saying this#better than mother's milk. god.#dubious blood-feeding that inducts the young vulnerable consumer into the feeder's terrible dark world#where they will forever have this affiliation with evil deep inside of them#the subtext to vampirism etc.
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A Softer Trigun, part 13/?
pt. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
#a softer Trigun#bluu I hope you see this and understand why I had to#bc I saw this one in the book and choked on my own spit#then spent forever trying to set up the images so they punched in the way I wanted them to#(because seriously. the initial vision here was FELT. specific order had to be sorted in post#but as soon as I read those words the entire scene from the anime rang in my head like a fucking BELL.)#ok anyways#onto the real tagging#trigun#trigun 1998#1998 trigun#tri98#tri 98#vash#vash the stampede#vash the humanoid typhoon#vash saverem#vash trigun#trigun vash#1998 trigun Vash#vash 1998 trigun#genuinely don't know if i'm going way insane extra on the tags or not#if so than I am so sorry lmao#the ones who live outside of time#(top ten anime scenes that made me wanna turn inside out btw)#brad#brad Trigun#lmfao is anybody following his tag#does he even HAVE one#bro doesn't even have a last name but i'll be damned if I leave him out
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not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER
#i hated her to an unhealthy amount imma be so real#bc ive never done an internet sin of like shittalking outside of priv accs/dms#or interacting anonymously with people i hate etc etc#but there are things that are like corruptions for your own soul from how sour hatred can get#and she did that to me. and i only hated her enough to do that#i have only ever in my life actively hatestalked her blog when i was 14 bc she made me so fucking mad everyday#ive only ever in my life hatestalked her like shes the only reason i can comprehend why people are compelled to hatestalk#this was all back when i was like 14 tho lol and#ugh... im sorry. as you can tell the hatred i feel towards her is like soul corrupting level#i want to say im sure she has grown up to be a fine person and logically i know this is true#but also part of me is like there is no fucking way this bitch grew up to be a fine person like the lobotomy part of my brain is saying that#i will not tell you who she is btw so dont send me an ask begging for the user#and if for some reason you have a hunch who it is. you never know you could be wrong and even if youre not i dont condone harassment towards#her or like yknow just any association like leave her tf alone#i dont have fans who love me enough or are crazy parasocial to harass someone i personally hate/hated#but still just in case#shes not an actual bad person. i just hate her so much that it makes ME a bad person on the inside#its why im so glad that i turned 15 and went i need to stop looking at her forever or else i will reincarnate as a mosquito#ill only talk to u abt her if we are at least acquatiances with eachother#and i dont think anybody will be able to figure out who she is actually bc i never once was mean to her outside of telling my close friends#i wanted her dead. me when i dont act like a beast online despite the vietnamese devil inside me
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❗️NEWGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSANIMALSGLASSAN-
#glass animals#honestly i wore out dreamland sm my brain took a lonnng break from expecting anything from them?? idk i’m just huh????#like….. when i say wore out#i cannot describe how much i listened to it#i usually have some vague idea even if it’s a ridiculous number#like 52 times in a month for an album or something (has happened)#i cannot recall w this#gonna say bc 2020 & they were Literally the last band i saw live. next morning everyone found out about everything annd lockdown. no joke#so it was big dreamland time when it dropped and revisiting their past albums when i broke out of its spell lmao#(pretty sure before that like january was when i listened to déjà vu 100+ times in a row tho so oop. it was a tough day lol)#anyway seeing this aww man. i really have had this band with me for a long long time. 🥹 i remember hearing gooey on the radio one night#driving home from work late @ night in 2014. the drive was so short i couldn’t be arsed to fish out my ipod & plug it in#sometimes so just popped on a good station i had preset. started the car and heard this *voice* and i was like who????#had to check the station bc it was an alt station and i thought i had it on another one which was fine i was just v confused#it was in the middle of the song & i was immediately anxious to know the name hoping i’d hear it & it wouldn't just flow into the next song#then the dj would pile the names together after x number of songs played bc i was tiired (but woulda stayed in the car ngl). got lucky &#ran inside to find it then yelled at my roommate the next day that she HAD to listen to it during a smoke session after work#(i was right & it blew her miiind)#god. what a fucking time. what a fucking band. idk what the disc horse is surrounding them now since they blew up via tiktok#i’m sure people are v quick to say they’re overrated bc of that but idk & i’m glad i don’t know. they’ll always be this#highly inventive incredible band i stumbled upon for the perfect night drive home after a long long shift#a band that came back from a Horrible accident that should have ended 1 of their lives & somehow didn’t & should have ended them#as a band (like still cannot believe Joe was drumming in 2020 & i saw it with my own eyes like how tf???!?)#a band deserving of all of its successes. glass animals forever
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MAN. the dynamic of "just wants to be loved and desired and wanted" x "fantasizes about locking you up so i can have you all to myself forever" HOOOOO
#yandere#yanderecore#THIS IS KURAHI... TO ME#hiei just wants someone to love him and want him to stay in their life forever#and kurama is MADLY in love with hiei and his possessive youko instincts kick in#and he fantasizes about chaining him up to keep him in the human world with him#but he feels guilty about it! bc he cares so much for hiei and wants hiei to be happy and wouldnt want to limit his freedom!#but when they finally admit they both are in love with each other#hiei can see that kurama is HEAVILY restraining himself#and finally ends up telling kurama to stop holding back whatever it is that hes keeping inside#and kurama is like *nervous laughter* oh no‚ you wouldnt want that#but hiei insists and says if he didnt want it he wouldnt ask#''you dont know the extent of my desires hiei'' ''knowing them is exactly what im asking for kurama''#and eventually... kurama finally opens up about some of his fantasies about hiei. gradually getting to the more intense shit#and hiei is just like 👀 damn really? 😳 and becomes overwhelmed over the fact of how much kurama desires him SO FUCKING MUCH#to the point of fantasizing about locking him up just to keep him by his side forever#and knowing how much kurama not only wants but NEEDS him just gets him all flustered n hot n bothered#and when kurama realizes hiei is EXTREMELY into all of this hes like 👀 oh.#and turns the flirting on HARDCORE as he admits all of his fantasies
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it's every single time i give myself a minute to breathe. a minute away from people, places, distractions, running away from my reality--when the heartbreak catches up and hits me. knocks my fucking breath out.
#as someone who's default has been for the longest time to love love love not being able to give it all the time actually makes me feel#like i am missing a part of me#its the weirdest most incredibly frustrating feeling to feel just slightly off kilter every single minute of the day and knowing u have#no choice but to ignore the oddness bcoz if u poke it its gonna all come crashing down#i hate having loved someone to the point where it was more than how much i loved myself coz now i m left#picking up the pieces they chose to leave behind and not knowing how to piece it all together#and it hurtshurtshurtshurts and never lessens and i can kiss someone else and still feel like a corpse inside#bcoz theres pieces missing that i gave away and that feeling of being incomplete just wont go away#trusting someone to love me forever might have been the stupidest thing i will ever do#and on bad days i think i deserved being left for the sheer stupidity of my life choices#istfg i m never loving again until a man puts a damn ring on my finger#so unbelievably fucking done with this shit#i wanna hate him but i cant and i wanna stop loving but i wont and i wanna feel full again but i dont#tw breakup#tw heartbreak
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nothing get's my fandom blood boiling faster than when i see people in the wild romanticizing burke as cristina's true love.
#not me stumbling on some person's post on twitter believing with their whole chest#that if burke had stayed cristina would have had children#and that the only thing that stopped that from happening is burke leaving#and like. ok. arguably? maybe.#BUT#this person posited that it was PROOF OF HOW MUCH BURKE LOVED HER???#fuuuuuuck off#that man would have psychotically gaslit and manipulated her into have children until she was so twisted up inside#he was the mother fucking WORST#he constantly punished her at work for things she did in their relationship#she didn't want to move in and so he didn't give her surgeries.#she said she didn't want to tell about their relationship and he did it anyway#hahn complimented her and burke was pissed at her so he implied that cristina was sleeping with him for professional gain#like fuck that man forever
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if troubles were money, i would still be broke
nothing you say makes sense. i take it with a grain of salt. i think it’s good to come here and spew raw thoughts to be able to build a genuine more pure reality — after all we are creators in the end. — it’s funny how one story has never changed— you must be on autopilot.
reflection is good for the soul— i will come here to hate, mourn, grieve, articulate — but i will probably never admit that i am the problem— and that’s more than i can say for the rest of you.
it’s good to let the maiden express her thoughts somewhere vacant and let the queen move about her reality. only the vast void of a nonexistent universe knows what i really think— it helps cultivate my intellect.
i stay away from fantasy novels because i myself am a fantasy novel. everyone thinks they are real- and that makes them a problem. keep telling yourself to repeat the mantras and you eventually will become your own lies.
i don’t appreciate anyone’s perspective of me and maybe that’s what makes me insane, it leaves me in a neutral gear but also raving as loud as it will let me. you would also be insane if you loved me. sure, label me, diagnose me, ignore me- still the world turns and I turn with it. just let me come here a throw my fit.
maybe i have been too harsh on my evaluation of it all but then again i have no desire to keep it simple, i complicate things to the normal mind- I enhance things to the thinking mind. and i can’t punish anyone for that with the thought of disgust and i don’t. sometimes i can admit how stupid i am being and not extending my thinking to the other end of the spectrum, and that would be doing a disservice to my articulation and understanding of the human race as a collective. i know we are weak, i know we are unintelligent, i know we will never live up to our full potential.
today i will try my best to pause and watch. allowing my mind to compute on levels it hasn’t had the chance to process.
today i will be rich. today i will be the uzumaki.
-x
#grand rising#hello tumblr#don’t mind me#inside my mind#deep thoughts#i’m just saying#i woke up like this#girl interrupted#wild woman#diary#tumblr diary#diaryposting#personal diary#poetic#writeblr#writing#writers and poets#poetry#poetry blog#current mood#forever mood#thoughts into the void#girlblogging#fucking mood#deep writing#raw thoughts#this is a girlblog#earth angel#deep questions#do you get me
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the bitter hilarity of not ever wanting to be perceived yet feeling incredibly hurt whenever you’re being overlooked
#I guess it’s one thing to decide for yourself to not see and interact with anyone#and another to get intentionally ignored by someone else#I’m at a point where I don’t want to go out with this friend of mine anymore#because every time we’re anywhere men will instantly come up to her to flirt#and I’m just standing next to her. as if I’m not even there#they will only have eyes for her and ask her questions while I’m right there too#or. even worse. like today. them saying: ‘oh you’re definitely the prettiest’ to her#while I’m standing beside her with only my mom completing our little group#and this has happened ever since we were 14 years old#I just fucking hate men and how bad they make me feel about myself I hate it I hate it so much#and I just wanna stay inside on my own forever#deciding for myself to be invisible#tonight sucked. good night
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hate having interests hate hate hate
#mik talks#hate how excited this fucking show makes me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#why am i so autistic#do people actually enjoy this... being this excited over something that your entire body vibrates and your heart beats really fast#and you feel like throwing up almost and cant sleep and dont care about anything else and cant make yourself care about anything else?#and its like okay any moment now im gonna open my mouth to my friends again and become super annoying.#contrary to popular belief i actually try to be normal#and theres this deep deep deep shame over it like oh... i am gross and creepy and wasting my life on shit no one cares about#i will never post about my interests on tumblr even if it got me more followers or more likeminded friends.#id rather just let them eat holes inside my organs forever i kinda dig the pain#its like my own private religion i worship#religion of fantasy faggotland sory i love that phrase a lot
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sometimes i think about my spn oc and how i rewrote everything about amara to interact with the story i was trying to tell about her. there were some really neat ideas in that i need to recycle for something one day. like, in the show proper, they just let amara take over a human baby and that’s fine, but amara’s not Meant To Be Here. this entire universe is one constructed in her absence. saying she can possess a human body should be like saying if you took a person and sent them to a universe where 1+1=3, they could just figure out how to function within that.
which in story took the form of Amara being something that could not be Understood, only Rationalized. a force locked outside the narrative who could only get inside and destroy things if given a role within it. by the Winchesters as A Monster To Face. by Chuck as Wayward, Unreachable Sister. and by miss oc as. simultaneously a projected creature to be saved, an amalgamation of injustices done to herself (and others) that would never be righted but could be made up for by being a part of this. and as something impossibly powerful that could be both protection and purpose.
and the Darkness wasn’t any of those things, really, but to have agency in her own story required new shackles, but ones she was always straining against. she wouldn’t fit inside the confines of a human mind, let alone a body, at least not well enough to leave it Intact. like lucifer burning through nick, but Worse. because the burns were an expected outcome of skin not strong enough to hold him. humans were built for angels, some were built better and some worse, but they’re meant to work. putting amara in human skin should disconnect the skin and mind and soul from the reality her brother built itself, i think. slowly. bit by bit.
and at the same time, i’d gone and written the kind of wild scenario you really can only write for your thirteen year old mary sue, given that spn oc the part of herald/high priestess/failed vessel. which she pursued with wild abandon like that would fix anything wrong with her <3
in the end, running alongside the borrowed family theming of the original show was my own theme of “how much self-annihilation will you accept to make your point. are you accepting it, really. or are you seeking it.” not just physically, in letting something unmake the base components of what you are as it tries to fit inside you or in it constricting and suffocating itself beyond self-recognition to get inside in the first place, but, obviously, it’s supernatural, how much selfhood do you cede to your family. is it worth it.
it was interesting, if nothing else. let thirteen year old me cook. she had ideas.
#spn oc#don’t mind this i’m rambling about nothing i felt nostalgic about her (<- my oc)#there was also an explanation in the mix for why amara was called amara in this au too despite. you know. not being a baby.#and it was like. a vessel’s desperate attempt to separate itself from the thing inside it by naming it something other than itself.#like a last moment of self-preservation. the opposite of lucifer using nick’s face and us all agreeing to think of it as his. you know?#and amara means beauty.#it’s a very human need. to name things. and the thing is that humanity itself is antithetical to what amara is. in this au.#not because of any inherent quality of it. but because it was not made with her in mind.#i keep bringing up lucifer but he’s such a good comparison case of what thirteen year old me was trying to construct here#and what i can better explain now that im. not thirteen. but its that. lucifer has beef with humans because they have common ground.#the only reason he can hate them is because they’re recognizable to him. terrible little cockroaches. but something he understands.#amara as i conceived of her could not hate or love or understand humanity. or the world. or anything as we know it. because it was not made#to be seen by her. it was made with the express purpose of her never encountering it.#when i was thirteen i wanted her to be so much more alien than she was. unfortunately this is supernatural and supernatural deals in#Just Some Guy forever and ever <3#but it was my story so i made her fucked up and weird and beyond comprehension.#except. of course. when forced to bend into a shape that makes her Not her.#i don’t think proper envesseling would have been a process either her or the oc survived. not because they’d die but because they’d get.#stuck? i think? that was what the intent was. that they’d get melted together like plastic toys.#chuck had a nice smooth envesseling in this au because these toys are made for him.#and angels need consent and angels get bleedover from their vessels because the toys are shared with them but they’re closer to being toys#themselves too.#i’ve rambled enough honestly no one cares about this but me aksjfkjfks#what was i talking about. right! the naming!#the naming of amara is a nail in her coffin because she is named and it is so human to be named and to be perceived and to be shaped by that#perception. even without malicious intent. even to be looked at as destruction itself and be named beauty.#in the same way you kill what something could be by learning what it is. the way a unicorn dies when you discover how rhinos were drawn.#does that make sense? that’s what kills her. bit by bit.
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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