#will believe its this bad and if they'll diagnose me

[moldy-cheese-being]

in case anybody's ever wondered what chronic illness is like:

i am going to bed at 9 pm on a summer night, with a towel spread out on the side of the bed my face is towards, shaking so hard i can barely type, because my nausea is so unbearable tonight.

[sophieinwonderland]

Someone Having A Disorder Doesn't Make Them Qualified to Educate About That Disorder

Let me be clear: I believe that any person with a disability or mental condition has the ability and right to speak about that condition, and that their own personal experiences should be trusted and believed.

When this becomes dicey is when these individuals think simply having a condition makes them an expert in it, and that they are an absolute authority in all of its presentations.

This came up recently when debating a singlet who made a post stating endogenic plurality wasn't real. Their attempts at "debunking" studies into endogenic systems showed desperation to prove their point, ignoring the opinions of actual psychologists and psychiatrists. Most of their post was misinformation based on a single Carrd. The sources they cited never even claimed what they said they did.

That blog talks about a lot of disorders and I said in my response to them that I don't think other people should put their trust in them on matters of other disabilities they talk about like autism.

The problem with this user and others like them is that they want to be seen as an expert and are presenting themselves as such. And I'm sure they do know more about autism than plurality, having it themselves. But I'm also sure that they're going to make broad assumptions based on their own experiences and try to apply that to everyone with ASD when you can't do that, and they'll present those assumptions as facts.

I am not saying to not trust them as a member of an endogenic systems.

I am saying to not trust them as a member of a system diagnosed with ASD ourselves. I do not believe people like this are trustworthy sources of information for my disorder, nor any other disorder.

All of this was before their reply, which only solidified my earlier opinions, and then some.

This is one of those posts that is just so bad that I need to break it down piece by piece.

It's not unethical to be part of a demographic you're studying. People with ASD can study ASD. DID systems can study people with DID. Muslims can study Muslims. Native Americans can study Native Americans. And Tulpamancers can study tulpamancers. Being a tulpamancer does not invalidate the study in and of itself.

This was why I gave the Varieties of Tulpa Experiences study that they ignored. It is true that the study they're referring to, Tulpas and Mental Health, was written by a tulpamancer. This was the source they initially tried to "debunk." Furthermore, what they didn't mention is that the journal it was published in is less reputable than others, and the author was a student rather than an actual expert. This is why I don't often cite that one as an example of evidence of endogenic plurality.

In contrast, Varieties of Tulpa Experiences was written by a psychiatry professor at McGill University and was published by the highly esteemed Oxford University Press. There is zero question as to the Journal's credibility or the experience of the author.

Transabled people identify as having disabilities. No, tulpamancers and other non-disordered plurals are not, by definition, transabled. We are multiple, but we do not have DID or OSDD.

And for the record, I actually have studied plurality. I'm not formally educated in psychology or psychiatry and would never pretend to be an expert in such, but I'm confident I've read more papers about different presentations of plurality than this singlet who only cites Carrds and blogs as sources.

I also know the difference between neuroscience and psychology... And maybe this is a petty point, but the fact that all their posts claim to be about neuroscience while focusing mostly on psychology and psychiatry is another huge red flag that they probably don't know as much as they pretend to.

Now, to the big one...

If you're trying to be a leader on mental health topics, don't be so blatantly ableist!

If you place the worth of a person on how "intelligent" or "competent" they are, perhaps you shouldn't be in communities for people with mental illnesses and disabilities at all.

These are extremely harmful and gross comments.

What you (readers) should take away from this: Take all advice on Tumblr with a grain of salt.

Yes, even on this blog. Be skeptical. Ask questions. Think critically. Double check people's claims when you can.

Don't blindly assume that just because someone has a disorder, like Autism, that they must be an expert in that disorder and that they'll be able to answer all your questions. Trust their own experiences. But have a healthy doubt of any broader claims they can't source.

[househrt]

a songfic I'm yet to write: late season 8 pre-relationship Hilson + Outlook by The Front Bottoms (spoilers, obvs)

House and Wilson hang out for Wilson's birthday. It's not the perfect night, but they mostly enjoy themselves fine.

Wilson is awaiting results that he's trying to convince himself will be negative (he's just overreacting. He's an oncologist, he sees cancer everywhere. He's going to be fine, there's no use panicking now oh god he's panicking now).

House is being House, picking at Wilson's edges because he knows something's up and wants to find out what so he can diagnose and then treat the problem so everything can go back to normal. He's being annoying and it tips over from affectionate needling to genuinely frustrating Wilson and they argue. They know they'll get over it, like they always do, but they end the night on a sour note.

Then, Wilson gets his diagnosis. Positive.

You know that I would go anywhere for you

If I got the news no one wants to hear

House doesn't know how to use his words to tell Wilson how much he means to him. I mean, it's obvious, right? Wilson must know how House would do anything for him.

(House can't tell him, can't actually say the words. He's tried, but they get stuck in his throat. Too earnest, it makes it feel like he's already given up and accepted this is the end. How do you tell your best friend you're in love with him when he's just handed you his expiration date?)

It breaks me up thinking back to last Wednesday

It breaks me up thinking that's how it goes

Will this be the last time it happens

But in this situation, there's nothing House can do. He's overwhelmed by the anxiety and panic and dread of never getting to spend another one of Wilson's birthdays with him. They won't have another Christmas together, he won't have his favourite person on the other side of his office wall, he won't have the one person who makes his life brighter, worth sticking around for.

Close your eyes

No one knows

What a thing to happen on your birthday

Offering shelter from the attack

House tries to deny it, tries to act as if this isn't happening. If he closes his eyes tightly enough, if he pinches himself, if he can just get his brain to wake up from this dream, Wilson will be better. He'll be okay because he has to be okay. If House figures it out and does it perfectly, Wilson will be okay. He has to be.

I believe once you go to the doctor's

There is no going back

Wilson begs House not to take him to the hospital when it starts looking bad. Because the hospital means the end. The hospital means it's real. And he'd rather die here, on House's couch, where he knows he's always welcome and where the comforting smell of House surrounds him, than the sterile unfeeling hospital. He wants his last moments to be filled with House.

In my heart, there's a hole

And fill it up with smoke

I got no control, just get old

And watch it take its toll

And the only thing House can give Wilson is his word. He promises. He waits until Wilson's passed out from the pain and drugged haze, then he tells him: I'm here. Your life is worthwhile. I love you. I love you. I love you.

It figures that's the only time he manages to get the words out. He's a coward, even now. Scared of what it means. Scared of starting something he knows he's going to lose. Scared of feeling.

[threeeyesslitthroat]

Critiques on PJO Show, Summarized as succinctly as possible.

Disclaimer: feel free to come at me if you disagree.

EPISODE ONE... was mostly fine, did a good job making me realize how fucking scary the concept of the Mist actually is, dulled down Gabe Ugliano way down, did something cute with Mythomagic, made a benign and weird decision to insinuate that Percy was considered to be schizophrenic alongside diagnosed ADHD and Dyslexia, skipped out on his previous wacky and unsettling adventures (destroyed a school bus, almost drowned his classmates in a shark tank in the aquarium, accidently) and had a great fight with the Minotaur(the tighty whitey's were stupid tho.) Unfortunately, Episode one foreshadowed that the show was way to into killing tension and not letting it build.

EPISODE TWO...was also fine. Was personally disappointed that Dionysus did not threaten Percy by making him see visions of men going mad and being strangled with vines, but that is 2000% my disappointment, not on the show, (tho I could make the argument why its on the show as a n adaptation.) the introduction of Luke and Annabeth and Clarisse was great. the Camp Half blood set could've been cooler but they'll build on it, (I hope) I'm not particularly disappointed by the removing the tension in the camp while he was staying there or that no one took a knee when he was claimed. Tho I would have appreciated it greatly if the show had nailed the "Oh Fuck" reaction when Percy did get claimed. unfortunately, we spend only one episode that gives a rough summary of what it was like to actually be there.

*unfortunately we really only get The Lightning Thief and The Sea of Monsters to really introduce and get the reader to settle into Camp Halfblood, which means that one season got bungled already

EPISODE THREE...Started to show a few more cracks but was mostly fine. we didnt get to see the bus blow up properly, but okay, they're off the bus now. its cool. Thalia got name dropped. The Show destroyed any and all tension with the team having encountered Medusa's lair by not even letting them slowly figure out just what they walked into. Frankly, this is where I get a little angry, because Riordan wrote one fucking factor built in that wouldn't have allowed our main trio from discovering Medusa immediately. The FUCKING MIST. IT works on Demigods. Our main characters could have been tricked, but apparently Annabeth is too smart. Motherfucker anyone who has read a fucking picture book of greek mythology would know who Medusa is and what her modus operandi is OH I wonder What all these realistic concrete statues of people and MONsters AND NYmphs SIGNIFY YOU FUCKER-

but yeah whatever. Other than that one legitimate critique that I would defend in court this episode was fine, wasn't that impressed with the depiction of Medusa but whatever, great job everyone, I got One reason to fist fight Riordan now.

EPISODE FOUR.....…. Made Me So FUCKING ANGRY LIKE TYOU WOULDNT BELIEVE-

Did it do anything good? St Louis Arch being a modern day Temple was cool. AS an IDEA. Execution was piss bad. ill explain in two seconds. Annabeth and Grover trying to cure Percy with the splish splash was cute. Percy tricking Annabeth was great. Teaching younger viewers that all cops are cunts was awesome. Scobell's underwater acting was cool

Episode Four's list of Crimes are: Disrespecting Thalia Grace before she even has been properly introduced to the audience. Was insulting. don't do it again. Annabeth's understanding of her own mom was sketchy when I first watched it but I was going to let it slide and move on if it wasn't for the bullshit after. The whole conversation with Echidna was a big waste of my fucking time. Fuck all of you. The grand escape from Echidna and her unrevealed creature withering down to our trio WALKING FUCKING WALKING- I hate all of you. The Design of the Chimera. Fuck everyone and everything that is not the fucking Chimera.

Athena being depicted as someone who would punish her own daughter for shit she didn't even do^3 (Percy signed the fucking box, Annabeth isn't the fucking leader of the quest, Athena is the goddess of wisdom, this trio is the best chance of preventing war, its outright stupid to make them die) and withdrawing her protection to let her demigod daughter die...Riordan I'm beating your ass for three rounds. I will drag your ass out of your bed and beat your ass in your own drive way.

Why does this shit make me so mad, You Aren't Asking? I'm glad your not. Not even in Greek Mythology itself is it even the gods MO to make an effort for their Kids to die. if they got killed fair game but to withdraw protection, they didn't fucking do that. Also, if Riordan had wrote this out in any of his novels the story would have been wrenched hard at the really intense repercussions of a god engineering for their child TO DIE.

oh yeah the whole just breathe thing...yeah its fine. not that cool but it was fine.

EPISODE FIVE...yeah it was fine. I wasn't looking forward to the whole Tunnel o' love thing because I didn't particularly enjoy it in the novel but I was pleasantly surprised. the lack of Spiders was okay. the depiction of Ares was okay. I enjoyed the actor. but I do like how Grover faced Ares off cause that shit was really great. Annabeth's rant to Hephaestus doesn't really check out and I'm expecting Hephaestus to call in that favor later. The whole golden chair thing was pretty good, felt like something out of the Heroes of Olympus tbh, except the constant sacrificing is starting to get a little grating. yeah, we know. Its Percabeth. Have some class.

oh yeah, the whole Annabeth's seeing the fates thing …fuck off, its not supposed to be her moment if they did that they better go through with it too because if their going to take Percy and Luke's thing and giving it to Annabeth then these writers better do something with it.

EPISODE SIX...it was okay but kinda boring. I honestly figured that there wasn't going to be a substantial Nico Di Angelo cameo anyway. Annabeth using a prism instead of water was cool. Luke's "old married couple" comment was idiotic. them knowing how the Lotus Casino works is another prime example of the show not letting tension or discovery happen. everybody has to be too smart for simple tricks despite the fact that the simplest tricks are the most effective sometimes. Meeting with Hermes is fine but my main critique here is that they're introducing Luke's shit way too fucking early. Like, if they do this they better go through with this shit i swear to fuck-

The driving was funny.

The Deadline having already passed was a big fucking waste of everyone's fucking time How is that Riordan wrote at Least TEN FUCKING BOOKS USING THE DEADLINE AS AN ESSENTIAL NARRATIVE DEVICE AND SOMEHOW DECIDED TO JUST PISS ALL OVER THIS SIMPLE ASS CONCEPT OVER MY FUCKING LAPTOP SCREEN ARE YOU SHITTING ME. Oh yeah and there were no consequences either. Like remember How it was strongly fucking implied that if Percy failed to return the lightning bolt Zeus was going to fucking kill Percy where he stood? No? like there were consequences to missing that fucking deadline. assholes.

EPISODE SEVEN almost made start swearing out loud in a library.

yeah the groves of Asphodel was an interesting concept for twenty seconds and then shat itself. the design of Cerberus was cute. loved it. The pit to Tartarus was cool. I am not angry that the Underworld did not fit the one I saw in my head because I understand that modern filmmaking is severely allergic to showing any sense of grand mass scale. okay, I'm capable of being gracious. Hades was charming and also a little funny. Poseidon and Sally's flashback scene I'm neutral about. it was done well. I sort of felt something. the actual discussion I have a bone to pick with.

I'm done being gracious. on to the crimes.

I'm in the camp that the Sally-Percy flashback intro was not great for Sally's character. adaptation wise. none adaptation wise? yeah sure the pursuit of parental realism was mediocre but fine. I said earlier that going the route of implying that people thought Percy had schizophrenia wasn't really the best and this is where the show bites itself in the ass. walking into Procrustes's trap already knowing Procrustes's trap was insulting and they didn't have the decency to let Percy do any decapitation. (honestly dude if they had let Percy get out the sword and cut that fucker's head off I would have forgiven this entire episode cause I was starving for action scenes at this point) Kicking Annabeth out for the rest of the episode is a crime but I cant decide if its because its boring or insulting or something else. wasting everyone's fucking time with the fourth pearl is a crime. whoever thought that Riordan was going to "gives a little shred of hope and then snatch it away" are you new here? like, did you just get here? because anyone who has Riordan's number at least subconsciously suspected this was going to be a waste of time.

Hades introduction was a massive fucking crime Adaptation wise. that's not my fucking Hades, I hate this adaptation.

none adaptation wise? a fucking let down for anyone that knows jack shit about mythology and an okay subversion of expectations for anybody that is completely ignorant.

the back and forth dialogue between the Two and Hades was cool tho.

EPSIODE EIGHT. yeah so I didn't know that we were only getting eight episodes total so I actually did have hope until i saw the up next on episode seven and then realized oh we were fucked all the way down. I'm not saying the lightning thief was like the Return of the King but it did have a quite have to wrap up a lot of shit one by one as one reads it.

Percy vs Ares was fine. by this point I didn't really hope for like, a great fight scene, so I'm happy with what we had. Oh yeah by this point I think I made peace with the fact that we weren't going to acknowledge the Nation Wide Man Hunt of Percy Jackson Plotline from the novel because apparently we weren't going to have fun on this show. that shot of Percy going for the deadly slice was great.

oh yeah this episode also confirmed that we weren't going to see any real consequences of missing the deadline anyway. oh sure, you hear about it but that not real effort on the shows part anyway.

Olympus looked nice. the aesthetic of the "throne Room" was kinda nice. rest in peace ceiling of stars you will be missed. ancient thrones was a decent touch. Poseidon and Zeus speaking greek brought joy to my heart. Luke and Percy's training being included at all brought a shred of hope to my asshole heart at this point. Luke's betrayal scene...okay at that point it just felt like we were wrapping all the important shit up. Percy calling Kronos Grandpa was funny. the goodbye between the trio was nice. the final monologue pumped me up a little bit.

Honestly I wanted Zeus to just kill Percy. kid. shut. the. fuck. up. shutupshut up shot the fuck up just kill him. I want you to do it. I want you to fucking kill this kid I'm serious. (live reaction) oh wow you wanted to set up Poseidon taking one for Percy how clever and not a cheap bit for the audience to instantly like Poseidon as the good godly dad instead of the affectionate ambiguity of pride shown in the novel that is maintained through out the novels (on e of the few fucking things that were maintained in those novels honestly). Having the reunion between Sally and Percy be interrupted was bad taste.

I miss the "Luke trying to fucking murder Percy" scene a little bit. Also Percy's line in defense of the gods was so asinine after the second, third, fourth, and fifth, and eight episodes going on and on about how much the gods suck. Annabeth being there is fine but its just one those things that could build towards something new and interesting in following seasons but I wouldn't be surprised if the showrunners don't do anything with that. "the gods

oh yeah, thank you for letting me watch Gabe kill himself instead of watching Sally murder the fucker. not like that was fucking important or anything.

honestly I don't think it would have saved the show that much but I think it would have helped the show a LOT if they had two more episodes, or at least two more episodes worth of time. personally I would put one extra episode for camp halfblood and one extra episode for the ending. at least so we can some immediate backstory of Luke failing his quest if we cant also have the Fucking FBI On Percy's Ass Plotline. (I miss you so much)

the nicest thing I can say about this show is that It makes me want to read the books more and that I need to go read some PJO fanfiction. maybe then I'll calm down. Maybe not.

anyway if any of ya'll wanna fight me on this rundown of succinct critiques I got plenty of free time. you know where the comment section is.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hey, i feel like an absolutely ill person. i don't have access to therapy but i am reading a lot about mental health and am very interested in it. i am not self diagnosing, the only thing i am sure i have is cptsd. but i see myself in so many illnesses. when they list symptoms and i realize, something i do or feel is actually a symptom and not normal, i feel less and less like a normal human. i feel like the most ill person, like nothing i do or feel is anything but a symptom. i am afraid to start therapy one day because i fear that they'll either a. confirm that i am that broken or b. say i have very little issues and am making it up.

it's not all bad, i am not as hard on myself anymore since i see what counts as "symptom", i don't blame myself for all my difficulties that much anymore. i am afraid it'll come out that i am actually healthy and just lazy and just used it as an excuse to be even more lazy.

i read a lot of articles about how the rise in self diagnosis actually are (in the eyes of the writer, idk if that's true) cheaply excuses for the peoples poorly perfomance, taking the responsibility for all faults from that persons shoulders and always blames the illness. and i am afraid that's what i do, that i don't blame myself when i fail but put it on "idk what illness i have but there is something".

i am simultaniously convinces i kinda have every illness there is and am beyond repair, and also that i have no illness at all and if i seek diagnosis people will know and blame me.

Hi anon,

While professional diagnosis is always recommended, not everyone can access or afford a diagnosis. There is an epidemic of pathologization that therapists and psychiatrists sometimes perpetuate - seeing your human behavior as "disordered" can not only come with stigma but looking at it that way can warp your idea of what "normal" means. When you're made to feel like aspects of yourself are "not normal" or "disordered" it's easy to feel broken and ashamed. Getting a professional diagnosis comes with its own stigma and it can be easy to feel like it defines you.

I think it's worth considering that there are therapists out there who actively work against pathologization and acknowledge your humanity instead of perceiving you through the lens of disorders and symptoms. My previous therapist told me he believes I have a particular dissociative disorder but explained that a diagnosis isn't necessary for treatment, and that I can still be treated for the disorder without an official diagnosis.

It's hard because many symptoms of different mental illnesses overlap, and this is partly what can lead to misdiagnosis, both personally and professionally. Many mental illnesses also interact with each other or intertwine, making it difficult to distinguish (like for example my BPD vs my PTSD). There's also debate about the validity of certain diagnoses and whether or not they're really just different expressions of PTSD. So it can often be hard to make a confident diagnosis.

I think it's also worth considering that the amount of mental illnesses someone has doesn't necessarily mean they have it worse. Some people may struggle immensely with a single disorder and others may function well with a laundry list of mental illnesses. Regardless, there are ways to cope with and manage every mental illness - there is always hope.

You're right that some people who self diagnose (or even those who are professionally diagnosed) will use their disorder as an excuse, instead of taking accountability, but it sounds like you're just trying to understand your own experiences and how to best get help.

If anyone would like to respectfully chime in please feel free to do so. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[theplutian]

Uh. I just really need to get this out somewhere and what better place than tumblr. As someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and being through similar childhood traumas and abuse i really really REALLY appreciate how Catra was written in the show. It has somehow let me understand my trauma and issues so much better. I've always been made to believe that one mistake means the end for me. It somehow proves I'm a failure and deserve nothing but the harsh consequences which comes with it. That my emotions are way too much for anyone to stick around if i get too attached. That they'll eventually realise I'm not worth any time or effort and leave or find someone more worthy like the rest. On a good day i try to be grateful for all the people in my life who love me and try to be kind on myself and on a bad day i push away any feelings of attachment which crosses my mind and nitpick every little flaws i have. I hate not doing good at college or my workplace and I'd rather overwork myself than not have a good end result because i was raised to believe I'm nothing without my skills or abilities. Seeing Catra being redeemed at the end and actually having people who care.for her without doubt made me so unbelieveably happy (considering its literally an animated show). Weirdly it made me feel like maybe the world isn't as hopeless and cold as my brain makes it to be. Huge shout out to Noelle and all the writers in the show for making a character so beautifully complex yet so real and making me cling onto the hope that no matter how hard it seems at times it gets so much better.

[lemonadebloodsworld]

Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

[bottledblog]

Life - 2nd innings

Life evolves as we all grow. Anything from our favourite color to the special cause to support to new hobbies. None of us could ever look back by 5 years and say they are the same. The same will happen 5 years later. Sometimes we smile at how innocent..naive and chhildish we were, sometimes we frown thinking what on earth were I thinking to do that..!! And then, there is the core of us, which significantly defines us with our unique being, beginning mentally. Much of the core transpires around its origin, and only develops with the inspiration from all worldly stimulus and personal experience. When someone falls in love and believes "this is the one forever for me". Many of the times we dont even realize confessing to our own mind, let alone the other. And then, if one that it turns out that the belief was a sham or just didn't work out for any reason, most of the people I know go one of two ways - either puts the blame on the entire gender atleast for a while, vowing to never trust them and preaching that love is nothing but a formula for heartbreak. Or else, they declare a mute war, where they pick target completely irrelevent to the person that caused the heartbreak, and then pass around a portion of heartbreak that they count as a revenge taken. For people in either cases, I've argued my point of view but end of the day I know that emotion understands no logic. Till they find a platform to constructively base their emotion is only when they'll realize. The other portion of the emotional wrecks never reach the platform due to choosing life on earth has lost its worth and we often find some typical and sometimes creative ways they take leave from living.

When I was a little girl, I believed love happens only once in life. Bollywood films that had a huge influence on me made my belief only firmer. I fell in love. Life was in technicolor and then I was shocked to realize there was another possible end to it..even if it was only for me - I fell out of love, harder than I fell in. So to detach and distant myself, guess what I did. I got married - to a friend I was getting to know for a few months but to be honest, you can take it as I grabbed the first and closest one I could to say "I do" and I did. Btw...it all happened the same month I turned 18.

Now, to talk about the husband I preyed to play smart and bring balance before my emotions would play on me - he in fact didn't have to do much. Its one thing that I took marriage very seriously because thats what I grew up dreaming about, so I loved being married...except my husband - Why? Well I didn't ever fall in love with him to fall out. And I was loved so much by all in there as much as I loved them too. But to learn your 1st lesson about the existance of homosexuality from your husband of 2 months - in the most nonchallant way possible because "He wanted to be an open book to me". Well...Being 18, shocked about the new gained knowledge and zoning out for a couple of days wondering if I heard and understood right, if yes, what was it and how to cope up with the dick that was expected to enter me after exiting a guy's ass. It was all too much and not easy to talk about. So now love was what I had left behind anyways, marriage was flying out of the window and not as much as love, but I was extremely sure for no thoughtfully crafted reason but from the honesty of my gut that THIS WAS GONNA BE IT FOR ME ONCE THE MARRIAGE IS FORMALLY OVER. I got in my prey mode again and if I wasn't ever getting married, this was my only shot at motherhood. On the 5th month, I was diagnosed with pregnancy and sure I started my packing (mentally). It took me till my baby boy was born and 2 yrs old by when I had made all efforts to co-exist with the father of my child and that there wasn't any such effort left that one day I might have to think "what if I tried that....or that..!!"

Anyways, all done and darned, I returned to my country and in 3 months my dad passed away suddenly - leaving me as the "head of the house" as thd older siblings of two, a mother of a two year old and a world I don't know much about than a heartbreak and achieve a pregnancy to protect my vagina from a dick that might have played in the shit of the guy I eventually got to know. I know its gonna be gross but I have to tell it as I sincerely used to feel those days, I was less worried about the sex cuz for me it was the procedure to freedom, and more worried about how much of the poop is entering my body.

Now this is one of the things I really look back and often think "What the hell was I thinking"? But I dont regret it. Becauase of all the wonderful people that loved me for no reason that I understand and I loved them cuz they were damn lovable. The ultimate departure from there was in June 2005, my dad passed away in september 2005, I signed the divorce paper in October 2005 and my ex-husband was married in November 2005. He married a third time too. But in all 13 years now, I am in touch with not just the family, but neighbors, housekeepers, colleagues, students and so on. Its always more on their own initiative that we have atleast a weekly communication base either by call or chat etc.

Its not 2005 when I knew I was nevver gonna get married, I think I never even imagined otherwise as a possibility even though thats also a part the bollywood movies showed but juat didnt influence me.

Anyways, this post started with how we change as we grow and so does our thoughts and all. I am more like an intuitive person who does things first born in gut and then rationalizing it as well, still gut remains the dominant part I'd just admit if its a flaw. Anyways, as I watched my baby grow to a boy then now a teenager, almost a foot taller than me and busy with his own friends, studies, games and what not. Suddenly for about 2 months, a thought of whats ahead and am I thinking before doing that this is what I want" had been peeking through on and has only gotten stronger in the last 2 months that I have a lonely feeling somewhere, a need of companionship, wishing for a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. Ofcourse I know from around that marriage can happen more than once, and from own experience - love can too. (Thats for another day)

What I'm thinking is again how my expectation from a "companionship" - marriage or not, has changed so drastically while I wasn't even thinking on this all these years at all that I feel dumb. Obviously its not the teenage year things that I feel excited about when thinking of relationship, but the whole concept has changed so much that by some auto force, I'm calling it "companionship" - why....I wonder..!! I have proven to be someone who can really act and do things that I set mind on. Not always the bad ones I've shared today.

Need your opinions. Should I think hard of giving life a second chance? Please do let me know your honest opinions on this.

[peachyln]

Dear Anxiety,

Its a toxic relationship,

You and I.

You whisper sweet lies,

And I believe them everytime.

Nights spent crying,

Wondering if I'll ever be enough,

Wondering if they'll stay,

Wondering if they won't,

You scare me on the daily,

You make me question every situation,

Even when,

They aren't realistic,

But yet everytime,

Every thought you slip,

Into my mind,

Every word you whisper into my ear,

Every lie you tell,

I'll believe you,

Even if I know it to be fake.

You have become,

a part of me in these recent years.

So Dear Anxiety,

How's it gonna be?

More nights spent in my head,

Listening to your lies?

It's a toxic relationship you and I,

But I'm afraid I'm unable to leave.

I'm afraid,

I can't runaway.

I'm trapped.

And you're the only one there.

Please keep in mind that I have not been diagnosed with Anxiety by a doctor, nor am I self diagnosing myself. I've dealt with small forms of anxiety throughout these past few years, and it's probably a normalish amount? But none the less, I wanted to try this out for myself and my viewpoint on my own "anxiety". It's no where near as bad as others. So please don't think I'm self diagnosing.

Just for fun. Let’s all write a poem about anxiety. 

Start with, Dear anxiety…