#why. why wont anyone do the same
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its pathetic, realizing that despite the amount of energy ive tried to put out into the world, the things i love most wont love me back
friends, family, new and old
it all feels like its falling apart
im unlovable if its not through a screen. my skin is cold and made of glass and i just keep hurting everyonr who comes into contact with me
#maybe i should just die after all#wouldnt it be easier#i made it this far and look where it got me#lonely and broken and sad#anyone who does care is so so far away from me#id do anything for you#why. why wont anyone do the same#im so terribly lonely#i cant do this anymore#everything is wrong with me and i keep fuckinf up and theres sometjing wrong with me#bc why else do i keep getting left behind#why can i neber blame anyone else#did i not try my hardest#hanging myself feels like a very viable option rn#id draw vent art#but#ah
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as a native chinese, i feel like some of yall are taking the gods in lego monkie kid a bit too seriously. i understand why it feels iffy to ship / make silly content of deities that people worship irl (eg. nezha, sun wukong) but it’s a phenomenon on chinese social media too. c-netizens ship the fictionalized versions of these gods, which the gods of lego monkie kid are. they aren’t the actual gods people worship; they’re slightly tweaked versions of the book characters, just like any other chinese adaptation or retelling of jttw (and such stories like fsyy) also, no, nezha isn’t a child, in lmk or jttw or sometimes irl. just because he’s often depicted in child form doesn’t make him an immortal child. eros / cupid is often depicted as a winged baby, and he has a wife and kids. it’s basically the same thing here. nothing in lmk suggests that nezha is a child (his voice, his appearance, his personality etc. all imply he is an adult), and while he’s described as youthful in jttw, he’s already 1700+ years old by then and gods can shapeshift. people only think he’s an immortal baby because that’s a popular depiction of him, since one of his prominent myths is set during his childhood. but as long as you’re talking about the god nezha (fictionalized or the religious figure) and not the human child nezha, then that’s an adult [edit: the last sentence couldve been worded better. i would summarize it as “immortal youth nezha is a valid depiction and is popularized by mythology, but adult god nezha exists too and they are NOT mutually exclusive”]
#i’m not even here for shipping discourse ie. “you can’t ship nezha w anyone cuz he’s a child!”#i dont ship him with anyone that’s never been my focus#i just dislike misinformation#if you understand that cupid and eros are adult gods despite often being depicted as babies then why don’t you understand this#and in case i need to clarify i hate pr*sh*pping i dont support it#the fact is that any lmk nezha ship simply isn’t a pr*sh*p because he’s a full grown man#never once in the show does he act or sound like a child so why is this such a widespread belief??#i’d get it if the show was about him as a child going on his killing spree#but lmk is clearly set millennia after that#also abt the “dont ship deities” thing i understand seeing non-cn fans treat chinese gods like fairytale characters is frustrating#but to me since lmk characters aren’t very accurate to their real life religious counterparts they are not the same ppl#like i see swk fanart and think “swk the lmk character” and not “swk the daoist god” yknow#but that’s only my opinion i wont say i’m totally right i won’t argue if you’re daoist or buddhist and find it offensive#lego monkie kid#lmk#jttw#journey to the west#lmk nezha#lmk swk#lmk sun wukong#age discourse#immortal child depictions of nezha do exist that doesn’t mean the god is always a child#and in FICTION. yknow SHOWS and STORIES. not worship. if the story says he’s an adult then that’s what he is#so like. statue of baby nezha = baby#statue of adult nezha = adult. it does not mean every single depiction of nezha is a child#don’t generalize things and do not infantalize him
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[vibrating a little too fast] Do You Understand My Vision Yet
#twst#twisted wonderland#cereal tries to draw#cater diamond#jade leech#trey clover#and some other guys but this aint about them#girl i do not even begin to know how to tag this one#trejeikei. treycayjay. caterjadetrey. girl fucking help#i still subscribe to jade having a crush on both of them at the same time and Being Weird About It lol#my fave thing in fanart is w/octavinelle if anyone is drawing shipping art of one of them with someone#the other two being either confused or disgusted or just bullying for fun about it#and then my other favorite is riddle being pissed as hell finding out his beloved card soldier besties are turning to the dark side#fraternizing with the enemy. [kissing a fish boy]#cater and trey both picking octavinelle for their union bday dorm choice is still so funny to me#AND THEN RIDDLE WENT AND PICKED JADE FOR HIS THEORETICAL BROTHER CHOICE LOL god dont even get me started on them#i am also obsessed with jade and riddles dynamic but god. no time for dat now goku.#cater voice hey siri what do u do when a boy holds ur hand and Wont Let Go#i love trey but i feel like i only ever draw him as a tiny head icon w/someone else talking about him fkshfkldshf#i mean ive drawn him in more things sometimes. usually treycay. i just dont post him very much#idk why hes so hard to draw LOL#i passively enjoy treyjade i think i used to look it up more in early twst days#but i ALSO like them both with CATER A LOT and u know me. love to tape characters together. into the polycule soup with you boy.#anyway in that first one cay i think was like 'wow jade kinda never expected u and trey to get together lol no offense -'#and jades like 🤝 well i dont mind sharing 😌#SHARING WHAT- theyre all holding hands now the end :]#riddle voice if u break cater and/or treys hearts it is On Sight jade leech#jade voice teehee well we wouldnt want that ill do my best 😌#riddle is not convinced.#anyway shoutout to ME and the like 1-2 people this might appeal to lol
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If i start posting dc stuff on here, it means i lost the fight w myself. The demons won. Im sorry
#chattin#realistically i will be making a diff blog for it#bc its. its alot. and i dont want to engage w the fandom via posting#maybe.#but i def dont want to talk to anyone in there#there are so many white people from ohio in that fandom. ill die for real#ive ALWAYS liked bman and supes stuff. i just. well#theres too many comics. its too confusing. theres too many shows. too many contradictions#and really dogshit movies that are too grimdark for me to enjoy#prob the only fandom where i have to cherry pick the things i like out of the main series things#to make a story and set of characters i like wo making it feel overwhelmingly ooc#also. u cannot give me alien characters and NOT make me go insane#but no one is interested in it in the way i am. like w specbio stuff#this is what happenee w d/bz too. like where is the love of making goku a little monkey freak of nature and not Human w Superstrength#all the freaks are hiding from me. where are they…🥺#i dont care about canon lore for why clark is more human than youd think#thats BORING. more emphasis on the sun affecting him please.#i was about to write some incredibly suggestive specbio shit and realized thats not appropriate in these tags for This post#just know that i care. i care so much. all my alien ocs are weird. and i wanna do the same w supes#and i wanna do the sawe w the little mans#and i want to write humans dealing w the little things that remind them that hes an alien#the kitty eyes glint in the dark. the almost nonexistant heartbeat. standing motionless for hours at a time#weird vocalizations when hes ‘sleeping’. weird vocalizations that come out when hes happy or spooked#the way he flies. the way hes both indestructible but incredibly lightweight (or dense if u prefer)#ugh#ill make a blog for it. bc its gnawing at my brain now and it wont leave me alone
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just to say upfront You not have any right to repost my art at all, you got here through your own course of actions and only now you want to suggest possibly 'I.d.'ing them yourself?
Multiple people block you and you keep harassing them, literally having an account called blockdodger22, @'ing people and you think that's okay? You do not know how to have any etiquette online, much less talking to people in a clear concise way and then getting pissy with them for not bending over backwards for you. You have no concept of being respectful. You are behaving as an obsessive, stalking, creep. Flat out. How are you online and do not take a block and leave. It is as simple as that.
You did not even start out our first 'exchange' with a clear message and goal.
You kept commenting under peoples posts just at random, especially after just freshly following them. Saying "Image description?" and myself included didn't understand what you're even asking about. Under multiple posts you asked me that and I didn't even know what was wrong with my description under my image until a friend told me you were asking for a description of the image itself not that you were questioning the actual description under my image. Another person even brought to my attention you flat out said to them on their own post "Image description?" "I should not have to ask more than once." paraphrasing as you even mistyped once then corrected your typo. So much time to just correct that and comment instead of just. doing what you command of people. What gives you the right to even demand any of that from anyone?
Which is not even a proper exchange, it's you barking orders at people like they're a bot and not someone to converse with. You put your time and energy into continuing this act not just towards sme but multiple other people online. Instead of just bringing it up to someone and leaving them with the choice to try to do it or not. You do not get to demand what people put on their posts or not. If it has been such an issue do not follow them. For me I want to post my artwork with the minimal words i can because I'm tired. I want to post and go. This is an art blog. I post my art and I go. I do not even have a far reaching "platform" like you're trying to insinuate. If i did, i would've been able to keep up my patreon with enough money to comfortably have. But I didn't and I had to close my patreon because i could not grow it and all my energy went into patreon rewards with very little income for me and couldn't actually find the time to create what I wanted.
You want to act like this is me hating accessibility but this is you wanting to come on, annoy people unprompted, numerous times to random people on the internet and being blatantly rude and demanding and backpedaling as if this is an actual care.
You are a rude and hypocritical individual coming up to bother people in the name of "accessibility" . You do not genuinely care.
People who actually cared would not go this obsessive, harassing, rude length. You spend more energy doing this than doing what you say you set that server out to do! In multiple times you wanted to 'contact me' you would post the same comment under over 10 posts with no clarity, I tell you i'm annoyed and with a broken keyboard with multiple people attesting because they're actually close enough to see me in discord servers and streams to see the broken keys you wanted to act as if you knew better. as if I'm the liar. you came onto my posts just to get snotty and bratty. So I of course block you. months pass, I get a new laptop, you use your blockdodger22 tumblr account and only THEN want to declare there's a discord server to 'help'.
"But I literally sent you a link to people who will do this for you. And I'm in that server too. I'm in there helping people who care about accessibility." If this is how you act to random people online, why would I ever want to come into a server with you? If this is how you behave? Why would anyone?
if you did care you would flat out be commenting on the image description you want to see typed out for yourself. As many people already DO on tumblr without any issue at all! you wouldn't have to do this fake song and dance.
I've had multiple people in the past of my works,- typically only Steven universe fanart itself which i do not make a ton of, only adopts, They will reblog with the image description. They don't even have to ask, they just do it. Why? Because thats what they want to do and what they care about. You want to say "Oh I'm only trying to help, I guess you don't care about accessibility." You did not want to help, you wanted to make a mountain out of a molehill to random people online who are not influencers or even big time corporations. You are not treating anyone I see you come into contact with any respect or politeness.
All you genuinely want is to either
1. feel better about yourself thinking you're doing good with something you're not putting the actual energy towards that you say is important to you. Like other people online, who do that thing and especially do it for artists unprompted because they want to SEE it being done and take the time for themselves.
or
2. to look for a fight using these people as a smokescreen because you keep obsessively trying to get people's attention on their posts and then act automatically like you're in the right despite being nasty and rude online.
If you cared so much you would be putting your money where your mouth is. You would be putting your energy into putting all these image descriptions on these images that you want without all this fluff. But you don't, why? I genuinely don't care for an answer from you. I want you to leave me and everyone else alone.
There's people behind these screens, you don't care, you only care if people do what you say at a moment's notice.
You want to say I don't care about people with disabilities for the fact I don't do one thing. One thing that only you have demanded of me in all my ten years on this blog.
You're acting as if I'm bashing people online and saying they have no right to be here. As if I hate them. You're now just wanting to paint a broad stroke of me hating disabilities in general instead of the actual topic at hand. I make multiple characters with disabilities for myself and my adopts. That I myself have issues too.
I am doing my own thing. I am simply posting my art. You are simply annoying the hell out of many artists myself included.
This is a matter of me disliking you.
Especially when I found out you are not only harassing me but people around me, other artists and even smaller artists at that! What gives you the gall and the right to be acting so self righteous when all you've done is act as a genuine dick to people.
#marrow talks#The one thing i hate the most is people being rude not just to me but others as well#To demand things of anyone is attrocious behavior especially to random people you dont know online#i know a lot of people wont get whats been going on because i ignored a lot of this person#but literally i tell them to stop spamming comments with the same comment they get up in arms#ofc i block and then months later they return with a block dodging tumblr account to only then say hey theres a server to do this for you#then i ignore them and block because why would i want to be around them#and then they come in to EMAIL A SUBMISSION because of double blocking#i want to be left alone!#leave me alone!
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𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 Think I’m just gonna disappear into webfishing and disco elysium for the rest of the night 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞
#if anyone wants to join on webfishing hit me up#maybe even just go to bed like I just feel empty#this cannot be happening#and I know my parents and brothers won’t even get why I’m so upset why I feel so betrayed#I’m fucking openly out to my parents queer and trans and I feel betrayed and they won’t ever understand why and it’s so upsetting and I know#I wont be taken seriously if I get upset it’s maddening and upsetting#how could my mother who cried to me about wanting me to openly trans and myself do this to me like I knew but just ignored but it still hurt#and then my dads brain is ruined with conspiracies and idiotic propaganda like we are not the same and it sucks so bad seeing someone you#love be that and believe these things and vote for someone who not only wants to take my rights and make transition even harder/nonexistent#but also a man who incited violence against people like me who didn’t ever try to hide how he felt about people like me and minorities and#they just don’t care it’s my life and they don’t see how it directly impacts me. they just want lower gas and groceries and that’s not gonna#fucking happen#I’m sorry I’m obviously having a rough night like everyone else I just need to vent
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my hot take about descendants is that NONE of the core four were ready for a relationship until maybe like, the third movie (rant in tags)
#they were still adjusting to living life without struggling to survive#a girl should not be jumping into a relationship the same week she just tried her first piece of non-rotten food lol#thats not to say I don't like the canon ships#but mal married literally the FIRST man she met in auradon. at 18.#and even as far as in descendants 2 we see them still struggling to adjust in different ways (mainly mal)#in d3 they seem to have fully assimilated into life in Auradon (as much as a VK can anyway)#so it makes sense for them to THEN seek out relationships if that's what they want.#but disney ofc wanted to act like romantic love just automatically fixes a person's problems ig?? as if a relationship wouldn't just be#added stress given the position the VKs were in in d1#not to mention dating just like. wasnt a thing on the isle (mal even says this)#and I get that the kids are craving to be loved because their parents didn't gaf about them. But I wish the first movie focused more on the#finding that love in each other than romantically with outside people. a sort of “they had love in them all along” moment.#and then this fandom loves to argue about whether Jarlos/Janelos was 'rushed'. at least Carlos (and Jay +lonnie) waited a few months before#throwing themselves into the dating scene. Poor evie had her heart broken within like 3 days of being in Auradon. no wonder she was willing#to help steal the wand lol.#Anyway to wrap up this rant I didn't even mean to go on#I just think that kids who have spent the first 14-16 years of their lives fighting to survive and being put through continuous trauma on a#daily basis don't need dating right away. they need THERAPY.#if anyone here has seen stranger things its kinda an El and Mike situation were its like. the girl grew up in a lab and fell for the first#boy in regular society who was kinda nice to her lol. thats how I view Mal and Ben#same with doug and evie. he was nicer than chad but he still fell for her for her looks and she still fell for him because he was the first#guy in auradon to be genuinely interested in her. also evie had a whole “I dont need a prince” arc and ended up with a man anyway?#my problem with janelos was always that Carlos never quite worked out his mommy issues or his anxiety. I feel like he'd be afraid of hurtin#her even though that boy wouldn't hurt a fly. and we see Jane get pretty stressed out herself- have you ever been in a relationship where#both of you have anxiety? cause it either goes really well (you help keep each other calm) or REALLY terribly (you make each other spiral)#I actually really liked Lonnie and Jay (though I feel like it would've had a bigger payoff if she was in d3. not sure why she wasn't but I#wont dunk on that because it couldve been smth to do with her actress). I think Lonnie is someone who can 'handle' Jay well and match his#energy. And I like the idea of Jay finding someone he's loyal to after being commitment-phobic for 1 1/2 movies and the whole first book lo#and ofc I have to throw this in here: any auradon kid the VKs get with is never going to grasp even half of what they went through.#this doesnt mean they can't try to understand and be empathetic. but it will always cast a shadow on VK/AK relationships.
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I think the potential hilarity of Durge/Karlach is not capitalized on enough, cause imagine being Gortash, the subordinate you sold to the devil ten years ago is back foiling your methodically laid out plans and out to kill you in vengeance for what you did, and then just to add insult to injury she stole your murder-girlfriend as well. L’s up on L’s for this man.
#bg3#it’s in my brain because I’m doing my Durge run and romancing Karlach as well so#I sure look forward to Karlach being hit with the information that her GF fucked her former shitty boss#(will be news to Sirris as well but ah)#there are certain things that is very nice because I’m playing a repentant Durge so Karlach being so unrepentantly good is influencing her#and having godly entities controlling the course of the their lives and taking away their bodily autonomy#forging them into weapons who can never be close to anyone ever#(Karlach by literally not being able to touch anyone and Sirris (my Durge) being pushed to kill anyone she’s ever had fond feelings for)#it’s something they got in common and while no recalling her life some part of Sirris heard oh I can’t be with people from Karlach#and whent “man I don’t know why but same hat#I have many feelings about them#and then old Gortash is in the sauce as being a guy they both at one point we’re close to and trusted but also he’s the representation of#like a dark time in their lives and I think killing him wont be as satisfying to them as either of em hope#killing him wont make it so Karlach won’t die and it won’t undo all the hurt Sirris has brought on the world#also in the bad end when Karlach dies I think Sirris would legit just off herself rather then live on and potentially becoming#as much of a monster as she used to be and she believes she won’t be able to be as good without Karlach at her side#anyway I will stop rambling now
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i posted that stupid shit on my instagram i might just kill myself fr
now im afraid i wont sleep for another 24 hours damn 😭😭
#took me like 50 hours but we did it 🔫😼#i might still delete jt#the anxiety is no joke#like no joke#ahahs7bsudbdus#im so tired man#so like fuck me.but i cant justify killing myseld before trying. after that i can. somehow. Im tired and i want nothing more than that but#maybe i just want to stop the pain. nevertheless#i hope someone anyone who sees. that even if im being too open or too vulnerable online i hope it inspires someone a little bit to do the#same. i hope the reactions wont be too harsh. just dont ask me abt it irl cuz ill cry.#fuck mental illness and traumas man. acchan i hope it wasnt so suffocating for u. at least hopefully the people who loved u could make it#better.#tbh now my anxiety ia better cuz nobody is awake xddd#whatever its not that serious. only for me ig#sorry ppl the mental illness really said emphasis on the illness these past 2 days. i didnt think id live it so badly but here we are. well#i hope with this i managed to get something heavy off my chest. i hope i can continue for just a little longer#to see if it's worth it. i dont even wanna think abt tge fact imma have prom on sunday. why is that im always most suicidal when i have to#graduate? i skipped elementary graduation cuz of it. im not skipping this one but im not participating in the dance cuz i knew id somehow b#at a bad place and i wouldnt have a partner also. hmm whatever. i should sleep now maybe. i feel good now a bit. really have to sigh get my#shit together now.#not sunday friday the 50 hours no sleep getting to me
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I am once again begging online shop payment processing companies to allow me to enter a separate name for shipping and separate name for billing!!
It's the same address, I'm just trans and have not legally changed my personal name, but I still prefer to receive mail as my preferred name! Like it's literally my professional name, I do business as my preferred name.
Annoying as fuck, and I don't want to chance my bank rejecting the payment (though I'm sure someone at my bank has put a note to allow it on my account by now, since I've contacted them a couple times before when I realized too late that the billing section didn't let me input another "address/name" section, and they said the payment was fine in those cases.)
Anyway, legal name changes should be free and non-advertised for everyone. Tbh, you should get a free name change every time you file your taxes on time as an incentive for good citizen behaviour. Once I am elected pres-
#i think the one i just used didnt even have a separate billing address option which makes no sense#guess they dont want anyone giving any gifts making the buyer pay twice for shipping like that#maybe it was a fault of the mobile browser but i highly doubt it since many desktop sites look like mobile browsers these days#just so fucking frustrating. what if i lived somewhere where my legal name would out me? (im in the closet rn so doesnt matter)#i dont want to fucking see my legal name. im already forced to see it everywhere else.#i dont wanna ruin my mood on a day when im supposed to be getting a package which should be a happy thing yknow#vent#transphobia#speaking of like i would change my name but i dont want to and cant afford the fucking ridiculous price for it#and i dont wanna advertise it in a newspaper either! shits expensive as fuck on top of the hundreds to file the court paperwork!#i already tried to do it once with money in hand and the receptionist told me that even tho it was for gender identity i could not...#...avoid the newspaper thing unless i also changed my legal gender marker. and i had to back out bc i have reproductive health problems#i dont want a gender marker change to fuck with my getting healthcare#(i did change the gender letter on my ID card later tho which only took a signature on a paper no hassle with anything)#it really really fucking sucks how all these little things add up all the time#especially when im closeted while living w family who wont even use my preferred name#the real kicker is that. both my dad and his dad used preferred names. my dad used his middle name#and i use part of my middle name. yet my dad even in death still gets the dignity of being called his preferred name and i dont#sexism at its finest#reasons why i dont even hint at being trans around my moms side bc i already got bullied by them for wanting to use my middle name#ive literally been asking them to call me my mid name since i was 12. and theyve been acting like im trying to be someone else#its the same middle name on my birth certificate they gave me. i dont understand why they wouldnt want me to use it#but yeah i stay closeted bc i dont wanna deal with the name drama amplified exponentially for gender#prob get kicked out too cuz theyre queerphobic as fuck and i cant work rn and dont have a car#id have to just go full feral and live in the woods with the lizards where i belong#Cori.exe#Post.exe#fuck lol just looked it up and u cant change ur first name if u get married. i cant avoid the fucking fee man. let me be cori#literally why is it cheaper to get married than change ur first name! bullshit! marriage has so much more legal implications#transphobic queerphobic aromanticphobic privacyphobic poorphobic shit ass fucking state ive literally been cori most of my life ffs cmon
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im littchhherally so over constantly putting 220% into every conversation and getting the most dry and uninterested/uninteresting replies in existence.
#someone tells me about a situation at work; omg that's literally horrible they're total assholes. you don't deserve them or their bullshit#you should be their boss 100%#same person when i tell them about a situation at work (they asked about); that sucks. so when are you gonna be able to rp again?#dating site. i had to send every single first text. EVERY SINGLE ONE. matches would refuse to say anything for d a. y s if i didn't text 1s#i would always ask 'you have un plans for this week/weekend? what do you do for work? oh wow! that's so cool whats the best part about x?'#and then i'd usy get 'i love being a cna.' and that would be it#no follow up questions on their part.#no engaging conversation#no conversation at all. period.#im so fucking sick of it#and if i dont text them then we wont talk ever again. period.#so i simply do not text anyone anymore.#i dont even want to entertain the idea of dating any of those women bc they're all devoid of personality or the ability to hold a convo.#and it isnt like i can just match their energy and be dry as hell bc i hate that. why would i waste energy and time typing out a boring ass#message?
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No one:
Me: so funny how the origins of many of my tags were very random and have ended up sticking and also influencing the tags i made afterwards-
#i am continuing in the tags lmao. this is basically me just wanting to explain why i have named my tags what ive named them. probably wont#remember all but i shall do a few#anyways the 'le' in front of everything is random. when i was young id just add 'le' in front of words randomly and i wanted to have tags#*i wanted >personal< tags that were basically the same as what thet would generically be called but with something added so that it wouldnt#come up for just anyone who searched up certain tags (like personal text posts and selfie tags etc) and so 'le ____' was born#it was only for a couple things and then as time went on i just liked having my tags matching and so added it to other things#my fanart tag is 'fabart' purely because i mispelled it the first time i tried to tag 'fanart' and then kept it because i thought it was#funny cute and i liked that 'fab' kinda sounded like i was saying 'fabulous art' which is indeed what fanart is lmao#for 1d 'the boys' was pretty simple. think i along with every other stan just referred to them as that and so thats why i chose that#and then when they broke up and i was tagging ot4 i chose 'the boyz' because even though its only the 4 of them i wanted zayn still involve#somehow 😭😭😭 so adding a z to their tag it was lmao#thats all the tags i can think of for now but if i ever think of more I'll maybe rb this who knows#anyways thats enough rambling because i cant sleep from me xD#le text post#stop. i just remembered i used to have a tag for pics of harry styles when he had long hair -long hair dont care- i actually miss my 2d days#nEways im sure i have more like that but the fact i cant remember all of them drives me up the wall fhdhfh hopefully more will come 2 me
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this is like a sadgirl pathetic post but this guy i met recently at work was like, very direct and polite in being interested in me and i've been feeling him out bc i literally do not know him well enough to have an opinion but i can't like. he is so normal and nice. hes like a nice normal guy. every time i text him he doesn't say anything weird and he's extremely nice. what the hell. he's literally so nice. WHY. does he like. me???? like what's wrong with him that he specifically is interested in me????
#this is not even a low self esteem thing but shdhsbdhsdh every girl in the world is so pretty . me??? why?????#literally the day i met him & he asked me out i barely spoke to him was mind numbingly stupid and crawled on the floor on multiple occasion#i cant text this guy bc every time i have to answer im like. this guy is so fucking normal. me??? hes interested in me???? WHY????#everyome i try to convey this to is like :// aww he thinks ur cute. stop overthinking. WHATS WRONG WITH HIM#he specifically asked me out by asking the relief nurse what my name was and she offered to give him my number if i was ok w it#I WAS AT WORK..... I JUST SAID YES...... and i was like ok this probably will not go anywhere. he probably wont even text me#he texted me while i was commuting home literally he was still doing cases........#did i mention i was digging through garbage. literally he was like sorry the surgeon yelled at u she gets so flustered and ir was like no#she yelled at me bc im stupid. did u not notice that im stupid. this guy -- NORMAL -- literally saw me at my lowest and asked me out......#brandon oscillates#brandon what abt the guy at work u had a thing for I KNOW. im so torn however sjsbdbdhdbbx we are like actually coworkers#this guy if i see him every now and then in passing occasionally in the same room. that guy is my coworker for real#it cant happen. also dbxshsdhshdhe he has a 9 yr old hes too old for me. idk his relationship status but i dont think hes married.#also hes out of my league. also my other coworker told me he thinks hes gay but that hes closeted but that coworker is filipino so#mildly homophobic. i also told him to never tell anyone else that. i dont think hes gay. whatever.#i will miss my impossible crush as my hobby but this guy is nice and ahdhs its psychopathic to give him my number and then reject his date#can u imagine#whatever. im doing high school now i guess. the relief nurse is sooo proud of herself#shdbbd literally when i came back from lunch that day my scrub was like THE DOCTOR LIKES U!!!#and i was lkke omg really??? she doesnt think im stupid???? but it was this guy. and she did still think i was stupid#u know i have concert tickets for next thursday but shdhsd i literally have had too many experiences this year#i am trying to sell tgem#personal
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#i cant do a thing abt it but oh it hurts#and i feel bad bc i feel like he'd think im selfish?#i want him to be happy but cant i be hurt? cant i be sad too?#and i wont chase him. i'd never do anything like that. 9/10 if i dont *feel* wanted regardless of truth#im out of there bc i have avpd </3#but i cling to him?? i mean in an emotional way. like i never put up walls in my mind to numb my feelings for him the way i do w avpd#why is he so different from everyone else for my brqin and heart? i mean i obvi i think hes amazing#but i dont get why my brain doesnt protect me emotion and feeling wise the way it does w everything else#how could he cross all of those boundaries and walls my brain has put in place?#this is why i thought i had found my person. but it gets tricky when i am not his person#nor do i think i can be whrn he's chosen someone else. (i get that i really really do and thats why it hurts sm)#but yeah i'd never chase.. bc like why would i? when i know he didnt choose me to give a chance to. i'd never be as arrogant to try to#think i could be worth a chance or that i could do anything abt it.#so even if it's selfish i hurt sm. even tho at the same time i want him to have what he wants even if it isnt me and never was#bc i do also think.. even if it makes me sound naive.. or actually maybe this is just how *i* feel#if u love someone sm and truly want to be w them u find a way to get there. which i wanted to do bc yeah.. i felt like he was my person#but it's just me. it's me alone in this room and i cant.. stay in here forever bc how is that a life? :(#so idk ig i'll hurt and ache and be in pain for a while. and hopefully one day be able to move on#but facing the world & future without him and not knowing if we'll even talk again is so scary and so hard :(#and like will *i* ever find someone who lights my heart on fire and makes me deeply feel and not being so scared i turn away from it?#the way he does... idk :(#i cant even imagine wanting anyone else but.. im alone in that feeling too so.. it is what it is it is what it is it is what it is
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fucking vindication man
my sister was just minding her business in the basement eating breakfast and my stepdad came down and asked "why do you have the light on" and she was like "so i can see?" and the thing about my stepdad is that he's incapable of softening his tone (and will pretend he doesnt understand that his tone is aggressive even though he can understand when YOUR tone is aggressive/rude) so even an innocuous question like that sounds like an attack, so my sister's response was also super subdued and irritated. this isn't the first time an exchange like that has happened but it was the first time that he kinda hesitated and was like "wait what did i just say that upset you?" and she started to speak like she was going to explain, then thought better of it and just said "it's nothing"
LIKE YEAH DUDE. WHEN YOU CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY CONSTANTLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES TO YOU AND AT THE SAME TIME THEY CAN'T BE COMFORTABLE BRINGING UP THINGS YOUVE DONE OR SAID TO UPSET THEM WITHOUT YOU JUST ARGUING WITH THEM TO JUSTIFY HOW THEYRE WRONG FOR BEING UPSET AND YOUVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG, THEN PEOPLE ARENT GONNA FUCKIN TALK TO YOU. ITS SO SIMPLE.
#i think he was trying to ask whats wrong bc my mom is pissed at him and my sister doesnt like to talk to him so much lately#and obviously he and i have zero conversations#so the house rn for him is just 'ENEMIES EVERYWHERE' fhskdhdj#see what he doesnt understand about my sister#shes young so it still seems like she'll bounce back whenever you hurt her#and since hes allergic to apologizing he just assumes he can say whatever tf he wants to her and their core relationship won't suffer#especially bc in his mind he's doing everything jn the name of her success or whatever#but she already treats him differently than she does everyone else#hes always punishing her for 'getting an attitude' with him but she literally doesnt give attitude to anyone else#he thinks he can helicopter her AND try to force her to suppress her emotions and she'll just be like 'well im grateful bc i wouldnt be#successful without him let me continue sharing my life with him like nothing is wrong'#he doesnt get how deep a child's resentment of their parent can run#and hes so fucking proud he doesn't take any parenting advice from my mom bc he hates me#even though she does have experience raising a child#he thinks hes a better parent than her and wont even try to learn from her mistakes#bc im not a millionaire at 31#tirah talks#but what he doesn't get is that he either needs to learn to say sorry#or come to terms w the fact that when she grows up she's gonna fuck off permanently#their generations kept ties w their parents no matter what shit they pulled#but our generations don't do that shit#my mom knows how to apologize and she knows how to learn from her mistakes and that's why she's the ONLY parent in my life#he needs to get his shit together or my sister will be the same as me
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the bar for "revolutionary" webhorror is so low. what happened
#god lord im so sick of itttttttt ToT#if you dont know analogue horror is on is deathbed and now ppl are onto ''digital horror''#which is the same thing except using digital mediums instead of analogue (like the internet instead of vhs)#and i do mean the same thing lol nothing has changed#not the conventions of storytelling not the limitations of the medium not the types of scares it presents#the only thing that has changed is the aesthetic. and that is unbelievably sad#if youre going to do a horror series based in the internet then why not.... actually use the medium of the internet for horror#theres so many scary things about the internet (esp early internet!!!!!) and yet no one is using that for their series#just the same old ''missing children's spirit communicating through tape oops i mean the website :)'' like cmon man.... :(#why not use things like viruses or the sudden connection to any and everyone through the internet or early hoaxes/creepy ads#lack of regulation on the early internet or the isolating/uncanny aesthetics of old hardware (kid me was so scared of computers lol)#or literally anything else that is DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO THE MEDIUM YOUR SERIES IS BASED ON#does anyone else on earth care about this or am i just picky??? hello???#i just want smth that leaves a genuine impact. i just want a series that feels like smth thats never been done before#i just want webhorror that knows what it wants to be and fits neatly into the confines of its medium#petscop felt like a real videogame. it felt like smth i could see in an ''obscure ps1 games youve never heard about!!'' video#it had a will they wont they about whether or not the game was actually talking to paul (through ghosts or other users etc)#but it was never in your face and it was left just vague enough that instead of breaking immersion it sucked you in even more#paul felt like a real person playing a real game and experiencing genuine fear and obsession alongside the audience#there was never a point where the screen started turning red and pauls voice became distorted and ''scary'' while creepy imagery popped up#bc petscop works entirely within the limitations of a man playing a videogame. no more no less#thats the kind of dedication to the medium that i want!!!!!!#i only critique webhorror so much bc its my favourite type of horror and i want it to improve
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