#why yes I am proud of myself for this title

[sisterdivinium]

sisterscell is now ready and open! :)

Or, rather, it's open for interested parties to join and be able to read my WN fanfic whenever AO3 goes down for a few moments. I'm not sure that I'll alter the Members Only control any time soon and I am not inclined towards going back and adding warnings to the stuff I forgot to warn for (oops), but it's there after a few days' feverish work and one need only click the join button if one is ever so inclined.

Now I am going to vanish from the internet because we are almost at page 90 of the teenagers AU and our favourite tragic ladies haven't even kissed yet so we absolutely must work to allow them that much!

[citriarchive]

i've been writing a song for a little while now and i just find the progression from naming it "SONGTITLE_ITERATION" to "[song title] is never finished it just stops moving" and "[st]infijsm 2 electric boogaloo" really funny for some reason

this is the one (1) thing keeping me sane rn

[blessedbyahuntress]

i saw your post asking for requests so i have one! odysseus x chubby!reader who is insecure about being his queen due to their weight?

Alright! *Excited clapping of hands* Thanks for the request!

Too Good

Pairing: Odysseus x Chubby!Fem!Reader

Warnings: Nah, just insecurity on Reader's part

Word count: 690

You stared at your reflection.

Your handmaiden swayed slightly from holding the mirror for so long, snapping you out of your daze. You waved your hand to dismiss her.

As she left the room, you stood, running your hands down your dress. You tried to ignore how large it was; nothing was just your size exactly. The only time you could find anything that wasn’t too small or wasn’t too large, was around your day of birth, when you always asked Odysseus if you could get fitted for a dress.

You looked at the mirror across from you. Gods, this room had too many mirrors. You ducked your head to avoid the searing eyes of your reflection as you shuffled toward your bed.

“What am I going to do with myself?” You asked no one in particular, flopping down on the perfectly made sheets.

~

You stayed there all day, the only one allowed to come into your room being your handmaiden. 

As she brushed your silky hair- you couldn’t see what more to be brushed; it was the only part of your body that you were proud of- she began speaking. “Queen Y/N, are you going to appear at the feast tonight?”

“No,” you mumbled into your pillow.

She sighed, removing the brush from your hair. “Shall I tell King Odysseus?”

“No.”

That earned you another sigh. “He won’t be pleased,” she warned.

“I know.”

~

Odysseus was more worried than furious. He knew you didn’t like going to the feasts he arranged, yes, but he thought you’d want to be at this one.

“Y/N,” he said, marching into your room. He took one glance at your figure, and concern flashed in his eyes.

You scowled, shifting slightly so that your eyes met his. “You didn’t knock,” you said stiffly.

Odysseus raised his eyebrows. 

You groaned as he came closer. “Go away.” You threw an arm over your head.

“Love,” he started. “What’s all this about?”

“Ody,” you whined as he sat down beside you. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Odysseus snorted. “I wasn’t going to press,” he said, gently stroking your hair. 

“That sounds like such a ‘you’ thing to do, though.”

Odysseus made a disapproving noise in the back of his throat before breaking into a smile. “I- yes. That sounds a lot like me,” he admitted.

You returned his grin triumphantly. “Ha, ha, ha!” You cried, imitating how he always acted when he managed to fool you. “I was right!”

Odysseus’s smile turned into more of a smirk. “Oh?” He asked. “And who says?”

You crossed your arms over your chest, though it didn’t have much effect, as seeing you were still laying down. “I do, that’s who.”

“Well, maybe I was just trying to get you to laugh.”

You blinked.

“Ody-” You were rudely interrupted by Odysseus, who put a finger to your lips.

“Ah, ah, ah,” he scolded. “I think I know what this is all about. You’re feeling insecure about your body again, aren’t you?”

You huffed indignantly, which was answer enough for Odysseus.

“Ithaca couldn’t have survived with me being away for so long without you,” he began. “You kept the suitors at bay- and yes, I’ll remind you that you had a hundred and eight suitors lined up to marry you-”

You flicked your wrist. “We both know that they were only here for the title of ‘king’.” 

Odysseus shot you a glare. “Shush,” he ordered. “I wouldn't care if you were the skinniest woman in the world, nor the prettiest.” He leaned over to tap a finger on your forehead. You went cross eyed to glare at it, causing Odysseus to laugh. “All I care for is your smarts and your intellect- very impressive way you fooled the suitors for that long, by the way.”

You groaned and looked away, swatting at his hand. “Why are you so good at this?”

Odysseus blinked, false innocence written all over his expression. “Good at what?”

“You’re too good at making me feel loved,” you complained. 

Odysseus let out a low chuckle. “Well, that was always the point, wasn’t it?”

[grandpeachpersona]

It's A Man's World

Chapter 5 (Batter up)

a/n: To clarify, I do not own the rights to any pictures or names used in this story, except for Sierra Riley. All other rights and names belong to the NFL and MLB. Additionally, some characters are inspired by the game MLB The Show 24, which includes fictional characters. The title of the book is inspired by the song "It's a Man's World" by James Brown and Betty Jean Newsome, for which I also do not own the rights. All rights are held by Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp. and Unichappell Music, Inc. Enjoy!

If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be playing for the Atlanta Braves, I would have told you. You're lying, but here I am. After the draft, I had to fly to Florida for spring training, and then when that was over, I flew to Atlanta to sign my rookie contract, which is $380k for my first year plus a 2 million signing bonus. Then fly to Cincinnati for my first game for the season. Safe to say I've had a crazy couple of weeks. 

Oh and how fitting that Joe is throwing out the first pitch since its Reds opening day.  So it's really true what they say. It does come full circle. 

I walked out from the clubhouse into the away dugout. I noticed Joe in the batter's box swinging a bat at baseballs as they fired out the shooter and must I say he looked damn good while doing it too. 

Ok, time I come clean about something. Do I have a crush on my best friend Joe Burrow? Yes. Am I scared to tell him? Yes. Why? because if I do I'm going to make a complete fool of myself and I just do not want to risk that and possibly losing a friend.  

But friends don't text each other every day for random things or have late-night phone conversions like they used to when they were in LSU together. To sum it up over the last couple of months Joe and I have slipped back into our old ways and not that I'm complaining I just wish we were more. 

I noticed Joe had finished and might as well say hello. I walked out towards home plate catching the tail end of his conversation “I'm so proud of her…to watch her play in college I knew she was big league bound and now she's here.” I heard Joe tell my teammate Austin Riley, a third baseman. 

“There's the woman of the hour!” I hear Ja’marr call out as I make my way toward the group, my heart racing with a mix of excitement and nerves.

I shake my head, feeling a bit overwhelmed. “Stop! I'm done crying for today,” I reply, my voice tinged with a slight whine, reflecting the emotional rollercoaster I've been on.

Ja’marr looks at me with a supportive smile. “How do you feel? Are you ready for this?” he asks, his eyes filled with genuine concern. I nod slowly, trying to muster a confident expression despite my jitters. “I feel ready; I’m just trying not to overthink everything,” I admit, forcing a nervous smile.

“Sis, you’ve got this in the bag!” Ja’marr encourages, his voice steady and reassuring. “Don’t let them cloud your mind—just play your heart out, like you do every time.” His words resonate with me, pushing back the self-doubt that threatens to creep in.

“Ri, you’ve worked your ass off for this moment,” Joe chimes in, giving me a playful nudge on my shoulder. “You’re going to absolutely kill it today! And we just happen to have front-row seats to witness your brilliance.” His enthusiasm and belief in me fill me with warmth and motivation.

Nodding, I accept their words with a grateful smile, feeling a rush of confidence. “Thanks, you guys! That really helps. But now I have to ask: what the hell is this?” I say, gesturing pointedly at the Cincinnati jerseys they are both proudly wearing. They burst into laughter, clearly thinking they could charm their way out of my noticing their blatant team allegiance.

“Hey it was a gift from them but believe me I would wore yours if I could” Ja'marr gives his excuse. I turn to Joe waiting for his.

“I'm from Ohio.” he gives the most obvious answer—typical Joe.

------

Against all odds, Joe delivered a flawless pitch after the pregame festivities and the stirring national anthem. I could feel the excitement coursing through me—this was my moment, my MLB debut.

As they called my name, I heard Joe and Ja’marr erupting with cheers from their private suite through the crowd their support only boosted my confidence and set the stage for what was about to happen.

I locked in my focus, ready to face the pitcher. He glanced at the runner on first, then turned his gaze to me and wound up for the throw.

The pitch came rushing straight at me! I instinctively jumped back, narrowly avoiding it. “One ball, no strikes.” But that wasn’t a mistake; he wanted to rattle me. Too bad for him—I’m not easily shaken. 

I reset myself, gripping the bat firmly, ready for the next challenge. The pitcher checked the runner again and delivered another pitch.

This time, he made a crucial misstep—an offspeed pitch! I saw it coming, and without hesitation, I swung with all my power. The crack of the bat was electric, and I sent that ball soaring out of the park. A home run on my very first hit! 2-0, baby! Now that’s how you make an unforgettable debut. 

-------

We won only by the skin of our teeth 5-4. I had just changed out of my away uniform into some sweets and a hoodie when I heard a knock on my locker room door. 

“It's open” I shout, not feeling like walking to the door. 

The door opens and Joe pops his head in “Hey can I come in?” 

I waved my hand “Yeah come on” 

 He steps in closing the door behind him “Getting ready to head out just wanted to say you looked great out there today” he compliments. 

“Thanks, I had to show off a bit, you know. Oh! I meant to give this back to you, but everything just happened so fast,” I said, remembering his chain that he gave to me to wear on Daft Night. But I never did give it back to him. If I remember right, I was in my gym bag. Bingo pulled it right out. 

I went to hand it back to him be he stopped me “Keep it Ri” 

 “Huh?” I said making sure I heard him right. This boy is crazy.

Joe cracked a little smile “Keep it...believe me I've got plenty”  

I looked at him to make sure he wasn't joking “You sure cause this is worth more than my signing bonus” I joked nervously.

He smiled and nodded his head “Yeah I'm sure think of it as an ‘I knew you would make it’s gift”.

I smiled “Ok no take takebacks Burrow,” I said putting back in my bag. 

“What are you doing when you leave here?” Joe asked suddenly. I shrugged my shoulders. “It's still early so I'm not really tired. Might just chill back at the hotel. Why what's up?” I answered taking a seat on the bench.

He looks at me for a second then slightly shakes his head. “Some friends of mine wanted to go out to eat and all but Ja'marr had to leave soo…” 

“You want me to go in his place?” I finished the sentence for him. 

This is not anything new. I went to a lot of Joe's events as his plus one back in LSU. And he did the same thing for me. 

“Yeah but if you want to call it a day I understand” he quickly says.

I shake my head with a laugh “No I'll go with you, Joe. Plus it would be nice to get a breather before tomorrow's game” I said, opening up my suitcase. 

“Give me a few to get changed and I'll be right out”

Joe raised his eyebrows “You really could go in what you have on” he said nonchalantly 

Is this boy out of his mind? “Joe I'm not hanging out around people I don't know in a hoodie and sweatpants,” I said looking at him all upside his head.

“Yes, you can cause one where only going to Texas Roadhouse. Two you just finished a hell of a baseball game and have a right to wear this. And if someone has a problem with it then we can go and have our own dinner” he says the confidence just flows out as he says it.

My stomach should have not tightened up but I just love how protective this man is. Biting my lip not knowing what to say except “Alright let's go”

-------

Joe was walking me up to my room after that impromptu hangout session with his friends which by the way all amazing. 

“Yeah I'm definitely paying for this tomorrow,” I said feeling like I was ready to pop. 

Joe gives out a small chuckle “Yeah that makes two of us”  

I give him this funny look “You got time to burn it off, Joe. I on the other hand have to play a game tomorrow” I said pulling out my keycard for my room. “Fair point Far point,” Joe said not disagreeing with me

Stopping in front of my room “This is me” I said turning to Joe “Thanks again for inviting me” I said suddenly nervous as I looked at him and his features pretty blue eyes, dirty blonde hair so silky you could run your fingers through it and not get tangled. To some it up this boy was fine. 

His voice knocked me out of my thoughts “No thank you for coming. I owe you one for this Ri” 

Yeah, a date.

“What’d you say” I saw Joe's eyebrows raise..Did I say that out loud could have sworn I said that in my head. 

“I didn't say anything,” I said quickly shaking my head trying to avoid this conversation at all costs.

“Nah, Nah you said something. What did you say?” he asked stepping a little closer. Looking the other way with a blush on my cheeks “I said a date” I repeat my words still not looking a him. 

He stood there with the biggest smirk on his face “I still didn't hear what you said say it again and this time” he paused to gently grab my chin “Look at me” 

Soaked absolutely Soked straight through.

Unable to move I said it again looking straight dead in his eyes “A date. You owe me a date” 

Joe nodded his head and let my chin go “That's what I thought you said” he said stepping away from me. “Ok, how about this. If you get to the World Series which I know you will I'll take you on a date” he said proposing a challenge or more like a bet. “Ok and if I don’t,” I said waiting for the catch no pun intended. 

“Then I still take you on the date’

[charmedreincarnation]

Charm !!!! I owe you everything thank you. I used your theta state method and got into the void state and reality shifted with it. Sorry if my English is not good, it’s not my first language but I did manifest it was better in the void so please tell me if it’s better! I dmed you so you know who I am but I want to stay anonymous. Basically I played the theta waves like you said to. I repeated I am, And just cried because I couldn’t live like this anymore. When I got to the symptoms I imagined myself in water and they went away. This was where I always got stuck but once I pushed past this I got sucked into myself and ended up in a very weird state.

Anyways I ended up in a lucid dream and after reading your lucid dreaming guide I closed my eyes like you told us to and I was in the void state. I affirmed my list and then intended to go to my waiting room just to see if it worked and it did!! I sobbed for like 10 minutes seeing all my comfort chracters in my wr and the fact that it’s real.

I came back & eveything was here.

My void state list was

-master manifesting and being a fast shifter

-my parents winning the lottery, I took that inspo from you so thank you

-df and db

-eventually meeting my sp

-subliminal playlist results immediately just by looking at the title

-being very smart and having near perfect English after having to use a translator for so long (please tell me if it’s better btw)

-I won a New York lottery where I get 2k a week after taxes for life! I’m about to go to college this autumn so this is so exciting I can have my dream college experience

-acceptance to NYU

-revised my abusive family. I have my dad a hug for the first time and for the first time ever he doesn’t hate me. I cried and he was very confused as I revised the past but not my memory

-& a lot more

Regardless I just want to say it took me 2 yrs. Thank you so much charm for always answering my annoying repetitive asks nicely and telling me to accept I am god. I’ll be back soon, I wanna give back to the community but I’m going to live my life for a while. Thank you guys for everything 😇😇

To anyone doubting is this is real it is. No matter how bad your life is or how impossible it seems like charm says we are god!!! This is something you told me that really helped accept it. In the dms you said “I don’t know how or why it’s real, I have done my own research and have come to my conclusion on why this phenomenon is possible but you shouldn’t care bc it’s yours and you have access to it. Be the first person to do it if you think it isn’t real, because you can”

So i fucking decided I don’t care if everyone lied in this app !! I will be the first person to enter the void. Well now I know it’s real so everyone was telling the truth but I will tell this to everyone. Be the first to get your results if you have to. Good luck everyone 🖤🖤

Omggg periodt !!!!! Congrats on your success anon!!! I just saw your message and I’m literally so happy for you 🥹🥹I feel like a proud mom and I hope you have an amazing time at NYU 💓💓 also omg yes your English is perfect !!!!

don’t thank me for anything You did all the hard work yourself and now you’re reaping the benefits :)!!! Whenever you come back I’d love to hear your shifting experiences but until then have fun 🤩

[marigoldbaker]

“Why are you here, then?” Because you asked me to marry you, and the more I learn of you, the more that I think you may have meant it. Because a lonely heart longs for a good soul to cradle and understand it. Because it has been decades since I have truly enjoyed the companionship of another—since I have dared to trust that someone is exactly what they present themselves to be—and I find myself enjoying the time that I spend with you, whatever shape it takes. Jaheira said, “The fish prices are a crime against humanity.” (In which Thea and Jaheira investigate a fishmonger's decision to raise his prices—a job that really should not take the High Harper and Death March this long to complete.)

oh my god okay it's happening!!!! spent like a month (possibly longer?) wrestling with this guy, and now it's 20k words, and i have every intention of continuing with these :"D i am so crazy excited and proud and i will absolutely start crying if even one person reads thru this and talks to me abt it lol.

anyway, here it is!!! THE first official thea/jaheira mystery! ft. 20 percent actual mystery and 80 percent stilted old woman unresolved sexual tension. the working title for this fic was "first date" for such a long time.

yes there will be more of these. many more. :)

[la-autismonauta]

A Nauters essay: Gender, in my introspections???

Let’s just say a recent video focusing on the gender binary in video games has lead me to thinking about my own relationship to the gender business prior to the self discovery. Idunno, every game with a character creator I picked, even with my prior status as “some g-guy…” none were ever really that in depth. I value a solid creation system that actually lets you free style the mark of your character, ya know?

Conceptualizing the self through these games felt weird, in a way. Even odder still is way early on I’d just make my character white, despite myself being brown, I don’t exactly remember nor know why I did all that beforehand. Tho ever since I’ve imbibed that gender business I’ve actively gone back to older titles and remade my player character into a gal. Still, the options don’t really overlap in a satisfying fashion you know? Even in more current titles that are actually “trans-inclusive” ultimately still feel pretty rigid in their binary selections

So, as an enby girl thing, it’s left me pondering. Pondering very hard. I never felt like I truly represented myself in a way—disconnected from the character I controlled. I thought the girl types were always rad and while I don’t recall being made fun of for my choices I always did wonder why that was cause for ridicule. Like what’s the deal here, that sinking feeling? Back during like the 20s I wanna say is when I truly let go off what I thought I know about the self and went by “he/they” followed by switching to my current “she/they” style a year or so later, maybe a few months later? My prized primary and secondary slots, yes!

So really, at the end of the day, can we feel truly represented in the video games we play? Being more femme aligning has really given me a lot to think about here. It’s rare I really feel “seen”, not even getting started in my ethnicity cuz like fuck all acknowledged El Salvador or Honduras which still steams me something quite fruity, know what I’m saying? Just…I wanna feel seen, damn—is that truly too much to ask?

Still tryna get a hold on my sense of self but I stand proud in who I am irregardless of any potential consequences. To live is the finest beauty one can do. Much love y’all. May more Nauta essays come in the future; assuming I can think of stuff to write about.

[ohmyeyesmyeyes]

favouritism

summer adventures and simping

mark estapa x f!reader social media au

warning: swearing, sexual innuendos if you squint

liked by _maggiepilibosian, nolan_moyle and 1,294 others

ynofficial: my proud mother photo dump that didn't make the umich cut

psa: i tried to maintain a 'no bias' policy

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dylanduke25: I'M NOT IN THIS WHYYYYYYY 😭😭😭

ynofficial: i'm gonna give you a whole post i promise duker

dylanduke25: wait...are you gonna post THE photos???????

ynofficial: 🤫🤫

lhughes_06: dylanduke25 you're literally in two photos

dylanduke25: oh silly me i didn't recognise myself

nolan_moyle: me and duker are the favourites in this!!!!!

ynofficial: why is always a question of my favouritism with you guys

markestapa: you know why 😏

ynofficial: ok mr only in this once 😐

adamfantilli: i look like a child

ynofficial: you were 17 at the time of the photo so you kind of were...

luca.fantilli: FACTS

nblanks98: i'm the first one and i have a whole photo to myself so i'm obviously the favourite

markestapa: no

nblanks98: yes

markestapa: no

dylanduke25: i'm the favourite actually, i'm gonna have my own post

nolan_moyle: dylanduke25 we have equal numbers of posts my dude

dylanduke25: nolan_moyle but i'm gonna have a whole post

markestapa: but i'm still the favourite

dylanduke25: YOU WISH

markestapa: you get a whole post? watch the summer posts start coming in and then we'll see who's the favourite 😜😜

ynofficial: i never thought i'd say this but please don't fight over who is my favourite. my favourite is _maggiepilibosian obviously

_maggiepilibosian: i'm just THAT girl 💁‍♀️💁‍♀️

ynofficial: you absolutely are 😘

markestapa: 😦

edwards.73: ynofficial i do have to say that i am MORTIFIED by me in these

kienandraper: it's the horrific dad pose isn't it

edwards.73: YES!! IT IS!!! I AM APPALLED

markestapa: dw you're still cute

edwards.73: tell me something i don't know, estapa, and then get back to me

markestapa: fuck me what crawled up your ass and died this morning

edwards.73: regret. that's what.

ynofficial: are you hungover?

edwards.73: yes

ynofficial: whatever will you do?

edwards.73: please can you get me a glass of oj

ynofficial: i'm sending mark up i'm trying to find dylanduke25's photos

lhughes_06: and i'm not in this because??? 🤨

ynofficial: i'm saving your photos for the summer for clout

lhughes_06: smart 🙌

nblanks98: i just reread the caption and are you implying that you're proud of me for cooking two separate dishes????

ynofficial: yes. you have yet to send me a photo of your special pasta bake that looks edible.

nblanks98: IT IS EDIBLE

nolan_moyle: it's really not

liked by tyler_duke, graciebrns and 1,913 others

ynofficial: title-weforgotwehadtohandinanassignmentandthenightbeforewegothammeredanddylanrangmeatfourinthemorningpanickingsowedidthisonthewaytosaidclassandwewerebothviolentlyhungoverandfunfactiactuallypukednexttothetreedylanisleantagainst

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dylanduke25: the only thing i'd change about that caption is that we both only got an hour of sleep before i rang up and didn't manage to sleep the alcohol out of our systems so technically we were still drunk

ynofficial: i'm not gonna lie i forgot about that i think i blacked out

markestapa: i can never forget about that, it was the first time i had to wash your hair in nolan's sink because you had sick everywhere

nolan_moyle: the FIRST? there were more times?????

ynofficial: because the second time was edwards.73

edwards.73: i don't remember that

nolan_moyle: ok i'm sensing a pattern here

nolan_moyle: THIS HAPPENED DURING THE SEASON???

rutgermcgroarty: remember that time eddy came to practice and he had to be dressed by me, decked it in the tunnel, fell on the ice and bust his nose on his hockey stick and therefore had to be excused from practice and escorted to the med centre? it was then

nolan_moyle: that explains a lot actually

lhughes_06: my my my dylanduke25 you're looking absolutely radiant i just want to pinch your cheeks

dylanduke25: the invitation is always open 😘😘

kienandraper: that's a lot to unpack there

_maggiepilibosian: you can say that again

ynofficial: yeah it wasn't our brightest moment

nblanks98: aren't you advertising underage drinking in the comments?

ynofficial: um

this post has been deleted

liked by lhughes_06, kennedyclairewalsh and 2,007 others

ynofficial: IT'S OFFICIALLY SUMMER AND I LOVE (1) MARK ESTAPA

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markestapa: first

edwards.73: omg i love mark too

_maggiepilibosian: aaaaand the favouritism begins!!!

ynofficial: FINALLY

markestapa: i knew i was the favourite dylanduke25 nolan_moyle are you seeing this

dylanduke25: you're her favourite person, not hockey player

nolan_moyle: you're also not her favourite captain

markestapa: you're the only captain??

nolan_moyle: yeah that's the point

lhughes_06: an adorable, sweet-cheeked, fluffy muffin...then there's mark

markestapa: kindness is free 😞 it costs nothing 😞

ynofficial: i can't tell if you're talking about me or the dog

lhughes_06: 🤷🤷

luca.fantilli: at no point camping should anyone ever make that face in the first picture so wtf happened there

ynofficial: i tripped over a log and fell onto a rock and smashed my knee and mark took photos to document the moment

luca.fantilli: r u ok?

markestapa: i patched her up sir 🫡

nblanks98: again with the alcohol??

ynofficial: fun fact! i'm actually 21, i took a gap year so technically i'm a year older than my year group!!!!!

nblanks98: i missed your birthday?

ynofficial: yes but it's ok i forgive you

dylanduke25: mark looks so cute

ynofficial: doesn't he??????? he's just so AHBIGFKJA

dylanduke25: YES HE IS

liked by adamfantilli, jacob_truscott20 and 1,187 others

ynofficial: BLANKS CAN THROW SURPRISE BIRTHDAY BASHES EVERYBODY SCREAM ITTTTTT

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lhughes_06: ITTTTTT

ynofficial: fuck you

dylanduke25: and my invitation was lost was it?

ynofficial: if anybody has any queries, i would like to direct their attention to nblanks98 because he was the one who threw the party and i had zero clue or knowledge to its existence prior to said party

edwards.73: fresh 🥶🥶

rutgermcgroarty: seeing as though mark is at the front in the first photo of clear faces i conclude that he is the favourite

ynofficial: tis true young padawan

dylanduke25: why does everyone look bitable in this i just want to take a chomp out of them why do i want to do that

nolan_moyle: raw sex appeal

ynofficial: ^^

lhughes_06: that's a lot of half-naked people

ynofficial: just the way i like it

lhughes_06: say that again 🤨

ynofficial: i mean...not like that

nblanks98: i thinyk ive sed tbis before but i hope yiou bad a great birthfay and im sorry i missed it

ynofficial: if you apologise one more time i'm gonna hurl

nblanks98: please ont talk abut viut

ynofficial: idk what you're trying to say there

liked by lauren.rodolitz, edwards.73 and 1,196 others

ynofficial: the tri-ality of ma(rk estapa)n

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markestapa: first

markestapa: also: the last photo????

ynofficial: but you look so cute 😔

markestapa: you ALWAYS say that

ynofficial: because you ALWAYS look so cute

adamfantilli: i don't think that's how those bracket things work and i don't think tri-ality is a word

ynofficial: i'm making them make sense

adamfantilli: fair dos

dylanduke25: THE FIRST PHOTO THE SECOND PHOTO AHHHHH

dylanduke25: mark is so bf coded in those and it makes my heart go fast

ynofficial: ME TOOOOOO

edwards.73: PUT SOME CLOTHES ON

markestapa: tbh most of the time i wish we were wearing less iykwim 😉

edwards.73: you're disgustingly horny (fr the photo is so adorable)

nolan_moyle: I WANT WHAT YOU HAVE

ynofficial: nblanks98

nblanks98: that can be arranged nolan_moyle ☝️

markestapa: this is literally the second post from week 1 that has been dedicated to me and to me only dylanduke25 i'm so obviously the favourite

dylanduke25: WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT OF COURSE YOU'RE HER FAVOURITE BECAUSE YOU'RE HER BOYFRIEND!!! nevertheless i am her favourite bestie

kienandraper: i beg to fucking differ i think i take that spot

ynofficial: kienandraper is to me what markestapa is to _maggiepilibosian so that is absolutely correct kienandraper

dylanduke25: not only is that some weird couply shit, but i'm kind of offended

ynofficial: it doesn't mean to say that you're not one of my favourite people though duker, bc you are, i just happen to have a lot of favourite people

kienandraper: actually it's kind of the opposite of weird coupley shit because i knew y/n from class and she then met maggie through me who introduced her to the media side of the team and then y/n met mark

lhughes_06: cute

liked by ynofficial, _maggiepilibosian and 13,186 others

markestapa: if you would have told #1 and #2 mark that he ACTUALLY had a shot with the pretty girl with the camera, he would have been flabbergasted

view all comments

edwards.73: SIMP

markestapa: HAVE YOU SEEN HER THOUGH

edwards.73: you don't want me to answer that

markestapa: please don't

dylanduke25: baby mark was adorable what happened? 😔

markestapa: hEY

ynofficial: he's STILL adorable wtf

lhughes_04: the girlies in his comments agree

liked by ynofficial

ynofficial: you thought you didn't have a chance? bro bffr

markestapa: dude 🤨

ynofficial: *deep inhale to maintain sanity* you were (+ still are) the most KJAGSF boy in the world like you just make me hajshfaj

ynofficial: i'm just in disbelief that's all

nolan_moyle: you guys are my couple goals

nolan_moyle: also THE OCEAN PHOTO??? 😭

kienandraper: y/n likes shiny things...but she'd...

ynofficial: damn right i do drapernator...

edwards.73: i'm confused

markestapa: you're confused? i'm fucking confused bro

_maggiepilibosian: (taylor swift)(paper rings)(lover album)(2019)(pastel pink/blue/purple/yellow)

dylanduke25: what is that wet patch on your hoodie markestapa? it's sus

markestapa: water. after YOU threw it at me.

dylanduke25: but that smile on your face, huh? what about that

markestapa: all ynofficial

ynofficial: *dies*

adamfantilli: confirmed that ynofficial is indeed markestapa's favourite

liked by markestapa

liked by mackie.samo, luca.fantilli and 1,810 others

ynofficial: pathetic lack of debate necessary bc this one (markestapa for those unaware) is my favourite (and by pathetic lack i mean you guys were really delulu to think you were my favourite (i'm sorry if this is mean))

view all comments

markestapa: i fucking knew it

markestapa: you have a crush on me don't you?

ynofficial: whatever gave it away? 🤔

markestapa: OMG YOU LOOOOOVE MEEE

edwards.73: on a scale of 1-10 how hammered is he rn

ynofficial: solid 8 bc he's in his clingy phase

edwards.73: so glad you're the one dealing with that this time 🤮

edwards.73: also for the caption - girl, we been knew 🙄

dylanduke25: missy what do you mean I'M not the favourite????

ynofficial: you're not my #1 boo

dylanduke25: am i #2 boo?

kienandraper: that's me

dylanduke25: #3? 😢

ynofficial: tied with nolan_moyle, edwards.73 and nblanks98 then yes 😁

dylanduke25: ynofficial it's not ok to have that many favourites in your top 3

ynofficial: my favourites = my rules

ynofficial: or you can be #4?

dylanduke25: nvm 👍👍 i can be 3 👍👍

ynofficial: good boy 👍👍👍

markestapa: 😏😏

lhughes_06: PHONE OFF NOW ynofficial HELP NO STOP IT

nolan_moyle: i am honoured, truly 🙏🙏

nblanks98: as am i 🙏🙏

ynofficial: you're welcome 🙏🙏

lhughes_06: do i mean nothing

ynofficial: no (i don't actually have favourites apart from m and k but the rest are fragile and ik you can handle it) (still like you a lot though)

lhughes_06: it's because i'm devil scum isn't it (like you a lot too (for drunk mark: PLATONICALLY))

ynofficial: yes

edwards.73: but i'm devil scum (i'm ignoring the fragile part)

ynofficial: not yet properly, luke's runs in his blood (probably for the better)

nblanks98: WHAT'S THIS ABOUT BEING FRAGILE I'M A HOCKEY PLAYER

ynofficial: just that you're very bbg

nblanks98: actually i don't want to know

kienandraper: pecs 🤯

markestapa: omg 🤯 such a shocker 🤯🤯🤯🤯

kienandraper: oi

nolan_moyle: what a little studmuffincutiepie that markestapa is

markestapa: captain? 😧 is that legal???? 😧

ynofficial: i thought that NICKname was for nblanks98 only

nblanks98: we fell out momentarily and he's being petty

ynofficial: oh? okay???

[praetoravila]

SPILL YOUR GUTS MAGAZINE'S DANICA LANE GETS THE EXCLUSIVE FROM SINGER MACIE BEFORE HER 6TH ALBUM RELEASE: - More to follow under the cut.

{ TW for mentions of abuse and an attempted sexual assault. If you feel uncomfortable with these topics, feel free to skip this article and look at one of our beauty guides! }

taglist: @myloveforhergoeson @ceruleanmusings @raging-violets @bibaybe @rose-of-oz @ithinkyouhealedmyheart @nolanhollogay @happinessismagicc @kendelias @selangkir

At just 20-years-old, Macie formerly known by her legal name, Macie Smittens-Garcia, is the new “pop punk princess” on the scene.

Born in Savannah Georgia, but raised in Wilmington Island, the Georgian native has always been a musician - since she was a baby.

“My first words were me asking my older sister Maeve to put on Bills Bills Bills by Destiny’s Child.” Macie said, laughing as she remembered.

“Only I couldn’t pronounce my B’s yet, so it sounded like I was saying Dills Dills Dills.”

Music has always been a big part of Macie’s life, from her roots in beauty pageants to getting signed by Rocque Records at age 13. Since then, she’s released 5 albums, with another on the way.

“Twinkle Lights, is truly an album about self discovery. About knowing who I am. I mean it’s the first album I sing in Spanish on. Which was a big deal for me. I’m proud to be Boricua. It’s part of my heritage. The same way, being Scottish and German are.”

“Culture is important to me. I’m a punk girl, yes, but before that I am Afro-Latina. And that’s a big deal in this genre.” Macie explained, before elaborating.

“Pierce The Veil were some of the only Latinos in the rock genre that I knew of initially. And so, I’m very conscious that I am playing a similar part for young Latina girls.”

“For the longest time, I was scared to be my authentic self in this industry.” Macie said, as she elaborated. “And that put me into a lot of uncomfortable, unsafe situations. Twinkle Lights, is me getting to be authentic, and talk about some of my struggles, and why I am the way I am.”

Macie talked candidly about the sexual assault attempt that she mentions in the title track of the album.

Twinkle Lights, the title track opens with the lyrics of, At 14 years old I finally had to say No, and at 14 years old I finally had to let go. Prior to this song, and the album as a whole, Macie had never spoken about this incident.

“I didn’t have the words at the time to explain what had happened to me. And I struggled with that for a really long time, because I had the words to explain my mom’s behaviour.” she said, referring to her mother Amber Smittens, who is publically known for being Macie’s abuser from age 3 to age 7.

“I knew what CPTSD or childhood post traumatic stress disorder was. I didn’t know what this was.”

“But I didn’t have those words for the situation I went through at 14, or what I went through as a 19-year-old.”

“But with this album, I get to. And that’s a big accomplishment. In, Innocent Party, track two, I have a lyric that goes, The road to recovery was a long one, in case you wanna know, which was honestly mostly a line I came up with after seeing stuff people were saying online about me.”

“I was in such a bad place mentally, and knowing people were saying such shit about me made me so mad. They kept referring to me as an innocent party, as if they pitied me, and well... I got a song out of it at least!” Macie explained, a laugh forming.

The Puerto Rican-American girl continued on to talk about how fame messed with her self perception.

“It’s hard when everyone has an idea of who you are. Just because they listened to your music, or because they follow you on ScuttleButter. Which I have a very calculated version of myself out there for a reason. So when I’m able to be just Macie, it can be quite jarring.”

The interview which was done in Reseda, at Macie's first LA apartment, showed a different side to the singer than fans have seen. A softer, more vulnerable side. A side, that anyone who listens to Twinkle Lights, which is scheduled to come out on Macie's birthday in a few days, will see.

[delta-pavonis]

I would love to hear more about Raspberries and Rum?

*cackles*

OKAY. So this came from a conversation that I had with @wordsinhaled in, no joke, NOVEMBER 2022. And I still haven't written all of it. BUT some of the bits from our conversation are goddamned SOLID GOLD and I am cracking myself up all over again reading the transcript. [Important background science here (just read the title).] Here is me just copy-pasta-ing from Discord with no indication of who is saying what:

hob getting wasted on dream’s jizz because he tastes like a good mixed drink suddenly a thing i need to see Hob as New Inn bartender keeps trying to make a new rum cocktail with raspberry flavor and no one understands why referencing it makes Hob blush, it is just a reference to that cool space data, right? now suddenly need a 5+1 where hob keeps making dream trial raspberry rum cocktails until they find the Perfect One and dream is very bemused Gotta keep going back and comparing to the actual source material apparently raspberry season in the UK starts in june where he’s like fucking. up handmaking raspberry simple syrup in the middle of the night and dream is like “ah, offerings” Because, honestly, he is technically trying to figure out a way to have everyone who orders the drink get drunk on something that tastes like his husband's jizz? And I find that fucking hilarious? Definitely deranged Hob humor mainly because he’s like, do i want everyone to suck your dick? this is reserved for me but do i want everyone to know the JOY of this taste? perhaps However, first time a university student of his orders the cocktail, once it is on the menu, Hob has A Moment of Regret™️  just a moment though i wonder if dream is aware he tastes like this or if he just. came up with the most reasonable taste he felt he would have when composing his physical body, which of course would be nothing like human and of course some esoteric shit like didn’t even think about it once so he keeps trying this drink and being like yes my very competent bartender husband perfecting his fancy raspberry drink i am so proud but hob is looking perpetually more glinty around the eyes each time he gets closer to the mark and dream is like, cottoning on that Something Is Up eventually dream is like “there is some... significance here. that i am missing.” and hob has to turn around and hide his face in his hands because somehow he never thought he’d have to Explain what he was doing especially because i feel like this would be some shit hob would try to do one time in the middle of the night while planning the summer drinks menu and then somehow he’d be neck deep in recipes from google weeks later but then dream is fucking. super out of left field when he finds out like... “you are crafting a libation. to me.” and hob is like uhhhhhhh no???? not actually???? am i??? I mean... just... based... on you? Hob will argue semantics on this dream is like you’re distilling my essence into a drink that all your patrons will imbibe and hob is like uhhh maybe? uuuhhh... maybe I am? okay but dream like THAT’S KIND OF HOT and hob is like I WASN’T TRYING TO BE HOT I WAS BEING STUPID and dream is just. yes. my husband can be very stupid. and very hot "These two things are not mutually exclusive, my dear Hob." of course this has to culminate in “you mean to tell me you don’t know you taste like raspberries and rum? you just made yourself taste all... lovely and you had no idea?” “i had not the faintest idea, indeed.” “you’ve never...?” “i have had no occasion to... sample myself, as it were.” “sample... jesus. alright. what are you, an hors d’oeuvre at the department party?” “no. but it seems i could be its signature drink.” DREAM IS A LIL BITCH hob’s inner exhibitionist cackling at forcing his staid ass colleagues to drink this drink while dream broods in the corner indulgently eyeing his antics everyone like “wow robbie this is a GREAT cocktail mind if i nick the recipe off you” and hob is like “ah no actually, it’s a bit of a jealously guarded secret” NO. Dream overhears and that's how he introduces himself, the little shit "And you are?" "Oh, I am Hob's Jealously Guarded Secret."

Here is the first chapter of the 5+1 that is in that WIP file (under cut because NSFW - cw for drunkenness and blowjobs):

One: May

It starts as a joke. A joke in Hob’s head that he doesn’t tell anyone. Because he knows that after this many years walking God’s green Earth that he can have a slightly warped sense of humor. 

So Hob keeps his motivations to himself and dusts off his bartending skills, back from when he had just opened The New Inn and was still getting the staff up-to-snuff. And then he sets to work. 

He has to figure out the rum first. Actually, Hob knows exactly which rum he would like to use, the second batch of ron miel honey rum by Destilerías Arehucas produced shortly after they opened on Gran Canaria island in 1884, but as far as he can tell there are only three bottles of it left in the world and they are all in his personal collection. 

So Hob called some friends and obtained as wide a variety of current lines of Canary Island honey rum that he could manage. He bided his time until the next Friday night, poured out a shot of each in a row on his coffee table, and proceeded to get fantastically pissed.

(Could Hob have sipped and spit out the liquor as he tasted them? Sure. Was this more fun? Absolutely.)

It was only after Hob was well toasted that Dream sidestepped into his living room. 

Hob was off the couch and on his knees in front of Dream before he even really decided what to do with his drunk-ass self. He was nuzzling into the fly of familiar black jeans and Dream was letting out a surprised hiccup of a moan and Hob was pretty sure his brain had dissolved into giddy bubbles of lust and want.

Long fingers wound into Hob’s hair and held him there as he rocked forward, purring, “Why hello to you, too, Hob Gadling. I did not expect ah!” A gasp when Hob started peeling away the clothing. “Expect quite this manner of hospitality upon my arrival.”

“Gotta…” Hob had the single-minded determination only liquor could provide. “Need to check…”

Dream made a curious hum of an inquiry at that, but Hob didn’t have time to explain. The taste of the rum was already being diluted by all the saliva pooling in his mouth and he needed to compare them. 

It had been just over a year since His Stranger had walked back into his life. Slightly less than that since they realized what absolute idiots they were for each other. It was enough time, given the many many repetitions Hob had to practice, for him to get really fucking good at getting Dream off with his mouth.

Hob, in his infinite need to stroke his own ego, had timed it once. Well, more than once. Many times actually. The current record was 143 seconds from first press of lips to spend. Hob drunkenly thought he could do better than that. Not that he had his phone handy. Ah well, that wasn’t a good reason to not try.

Dream finished getting hard in Hob’s throat, sobbed as Hob swallowed repeatedly. His lover was shaking with it already, Hob preened distantly, and moved to press the tips of his fingers just so into Dream’s perineum. Another press and stroke behind Dream’s balls, this time while Hob sucked with his entire lung capacity as he backed away, and then the Lord Morpheus was coming with a strangled shout right onto Hob’s tongue.

Hob savored it for a moment, eyes closed, cataloging the taste, before swallowing and scrabbling away from Dream to the table. He grabbed the bottle of what he thought was the best flavor match and took a pull from it.

“Oh yeah,” Hob’s ass hit the floor with a thump. “That’s it.”

[aita-blorbos]

Aita for… uh, w- well, a lot of things, really, but um, primarily I guess my biggest ah… mistake, let’s say, mistake is a good word, for um… trying to kill my friend?

uh, Hello! I (oh people usually put their age and gender here, right? Umm, well, I’ve been alive for a while I guess, not really sure how long, and gender, I… don’t really have one I suppose! Being a robot and all, ai, genderless… but- but I do like to think of myself as a guy! Sometimes. So, yes, male, final answer- I’m rambling, I’m rambling again) was stuck in this awful facility, a truly dreadful sort of place ran by- by her and I needed out so I woke up one of the smelly- ah not smelly, shouldn’t say smelly, that’s rude, really, sorry ‘bout that, just woke up one of the humans to help me out. Now, this human… she likely had just a liiiiitle bit of serious brain damage, having been asleep for so long, but man alive could she jump! Amazing jumper she was, able to traverse the whole facility! We ran into a few issues, accidentally waking up her and restarting the testing tracks, but I was able to hack in and help my friend escape! Very proud of that, I am. Oh this girl and I, we were like two peas in a pod! The two musketeers! Best of friends! I’d tell her to run right and she’d go right, you know? We took down her together and even put me in charge of the facility, me!

The issue is, uh, small issue, since I was so bloody massive, I couldn’t exactly escape anymore and well, the power of being in charge of everything sort of… went to my head. I made some mistakes I truly regret and… I hate to admit it but I became like her. I don’t know why, really, I suppose it was just being connected to the mainframe, I needed to test all the time! It was like some sort of itch, I just… I NEEDED her to test for me and when she completed one it was pure euphoria! I was on cloud 9, just pure bliss, but it started wearing off and I got… irate. I shouldn’t have taken it out on her, she was just doing what I told her, but, well, as the title says, I ended up trying to kill her. It was a stupid decision, shouldn’t have done it, complete lapse in judgement on my part, but it’s all good! She survived! Strong woman I tell you, very strong. Took a bomb, well, five bombs to the face and still stood up afterwards! Long story short, I got thrown into space and she was put back in charge and my friend lived.

Now, I’m just wondering, as I type this from space, orbiting earth, if I was the butt here? I mean, I would never usually think the way I did back then! I do believe I was not at fault for what I did, but I still feel… really bad. I’m so truly sorry for being so mean, and monstrous, and evil and… I’m just sorry. I think I know I’m the butt at this point, so I guess this is just my way of saying sorry, even though I doubt she’ll ever see this.

If- if you are out there, reading this, lady, I’m truly, 100% sorry, and I… just, please don’t hate me?

[heartnosekid]

well, friends. i’m sure a good lot of you have seen this post. i was denied today. i have to contact a lawyer and i don't even know how to begin advocating for myself outside of simply contacting the firm an ex-friend of mine used to obtain disability.

if you would rather not read the whole vent, i completely understand. but if you would still like to provide answers or support to me, here are my main issues.

i need advice from others who have been denied disability and have gone through a lawyer to obtain it. i need advice on what to do about getting started with victim advocacy. that's about it, i reckon. i love you all. my dm's are open. you will be blocked if you clown.

and yes, i realize my stim blog is not the place to talk about this. i understand, but this is my largest audience and i feel i would be a fool to not post this somewhere it may be actually received.

tw for mental health talk / long vent under the cut, particularly of the despairing kind, and also mentions of CSA / CSAM, psychosis, and my general disabilities. if this post needs more trigger tags, please let me know and i'll add them.

my whole life i have been treated as if i am not struggling because i can do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. i can survive, but never thrive, and even surviving now has become difficult. i can't feed myself regularly, my guardians do that for me. i can't stand for longer than a few minutes at a time without extreme duress and pain, which makes cleaning, showering, and going out super difficult and beyond draining. i can understand abstract concepts and certain ideas and am emotionally intelligent, but i struggle heavily with understanding money or how government works, particularly when it comes to laws and loopholes. i don't know when i'm "being had", as it were, and others have pointed this out to me throughout my adulthood. it feels as though this entire disability journey has been me "being had". they gave me something to cling on to, the possibility i may be able to receive real help, and it seems as though they basically knew the whole time they were going to deny me again. for the fourth time. i know that is unrealistic but, it does feel that way.

i wrote several full length books when i was a child / young teenager, and had two published. i won't share the titles because i have outgrown what i wrote and find them childish and frankly embarrassing, but everyone upon learning that i have written and had novels published, immediately jumps to the conclusion that i am some kind of self-sufficient, incredibly intelligent and capable person. i have never once been able to effectively take care of myself. without my guardians, i wouldn't be able to manage money, insurance, bills, cars, groceries, among other things. i don't even halfway understand how insurance on anything even works despite having been shown how it works.

i can see something, be "taught" to the best of someone's ability, and i will still not be able to learn. this has been a constant issue throughout my life, and the american public school system has continually helped these issues perpetuate. all schooling has done is teach me how to parrot back concepts and ideas, remember them for a limited amount of time before losing them to the void, and not how to fundamentally understand and learn them or utilize them in daily life. even higher education was like this, and i was not able to thrive throughout my experience with college despite making mostly okay grades (i cheated and lied a lot, okay. i'm not proud of it but i felt i had to get through or i would be severely punished). i had to a sign an agreement that i personally still do not fully understand to "obtain" my associate's degree, and i do not know why despite the fact it was explained to me, in detail. the information has not registered, and i now no longer have anyone that was involved in said agreement to explain it to me. everyone i say this to is like, "what? that doesn't make any sense." and i'm like. yeah. it doesn't, and i have zero ability to explain it to them in a way that makes sense.

i mention my associate's degree because i am sure in some form or fashion it was used against me in the disability process, since i was "able to complete higher education". also it should be noted i did an early college program. also probably has been used against me. also cheated through most of it.

people have always considered my kind of autism to be hyper competent, since it appeared that way when i was a child, despite showing several signs that i was struggling with a math-centric learning disability, called dyscalculia. i have since deteriorated to the point of barely having the knowledge a young adult should have, about how life works financially and honestly in general.

i have extreme fear about what may happen to me without proper assistance. my guardians will be able to take care of me for some time, but after that? that feels like a black hole to me. it doesn't exist nor will it while i am under-assisted, and this black hole fills me with utter despair. i try not to let it permeate my daily life, so as to not dwell in a future that doesn't exist yet and has the possibility for change. but god. it fills me with literal existential dread, and it is becoming so much more difficult to ignore the older i get.

a lot of factors have been used against me my entire life to deny me assistance, and these reasons being yet another factor has really dredged up a lot of shit from my past.

this is besides the point, but i also learned recently that CSAM was made and distributed of me when i was a child and wow. that has hit me in ways i cannot even describe. part of me is like, why was i not allowed to know after the fact, even when i became an adult? i was directly involved. why did no one tell me my abuser was convicted for counts of spreading CSAM, and that they lied directly to the court system about their inappropriate actions with me? i was disenfranchised in more ways than one by more than one person on allowance of my abuser, and i am just now hearing about it. i don't know how to deal and i don't know how to get started with victim advocacy in my area.

but at the same time, whilst being treated as severely more competent than i am, i have also been infantilized relentlessly, by nearly everyone around me. how does this make any sense. i feel incredibly stupid and uninformed and at the same time privy to things about my disabilities others are not, while not being able to effectively communicate it. i feel i am screaming and begging for help, nearly at my wits end with a lot of things, and all of it is reading as "owie booboo" to anyone who could do anything to help. i feel i am falling through the cracks, and i fear having to crawl back up through them. i fear i won't make the trek. i fear i will lose motivation and let myself rot. it feels like no one in a position of power has taken a true effort to really help me and i cannot help or advocate for myself. i am very scared.

on top of all of that stuff, i am withdrawing pretty heavily from cymbalta, experiencing heightened panic attacks every day, PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures), more episodes of psychosis and hallucinating than i'm used to, all of my mental and physical issues are out of control, and now this disability stuff. i also won't be able to see a psychiatrist for...maybe a week or so more, so no bridge meds till then.

these last couple weeks have just really kicked me down. thank you for reading if you got this far. i appreciate you more than you know and i have no idea where i would be without y'all and this blog. i love you all so very much.

-ish

[athetos]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the expectations placed on butch lesbians both inside and outside of the queer community. As soon as I was able to dress myself and pick out my own wardrobe I started presenting masculinely, and while I wasn’t aware of it at the time, I felt a lot of pressure to be “exemplary” as compensation for my lack of gender conformity. I felt the need to prove myself to others, namely gender conforming straight cis people, and pushed myself to excel in school, at my hobbies, and be an all-around “likable” person. As though to make up for my shortcoming of being butch. When my grades inevitably slipped in high school, thanks to a combination of undiagnosed adhd and stress, it almost felt like I lost my identity, my one “redeeming” factor. I became a chronic people pleaser, because I felt if people liked me, they could see past my “flaws.” This is still something that I struggle with today, perhaps even more so now that I openly identify as butch, and feel like I’m representing my community. Some of the worst judgement I’ve faced hasn’t been from loud and proud homophobes, but from the subset of gender conforming cishet women who see me as a threat.

Within the greater queer community, butches are expected to be chivalrous, capable, hardworking, brave, good in bed, strong, and protective. We are assumed to be dominant tops. If you have a problem, a butch is expected to fix it. I embody some of these traits, and am proud of them. Others, not so much. As a submissive bottom, I have to constantly shut down people who expect me to be their aggressive top. The thing is, butches are expected to handle any and everything that comes our way, which is oftentimes far more than we can handle. Would I defend my siblings if it came down to it? Yes, to my last breath. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? The butch martyr. A commonly used fiction trope in queer media, and a common occurrence in real life. I definitely don’t think it’s a bad trope in fiction (my favorite novels all fall into this at some point or another), but it echoes how we are perceived in real life. The expectation that, perhaps, butches have to suffer.

And I resonate with that, which might not be a healthy thing. Hell, the title of my blog at the time of this post is “your local butch Paladin.” But I don’t want to be hard, uncompromising, and brave all of the time. I want to be soft and warm, too. Sometimes, I’m the one who needs protection. We all do. I fear that sometimes butches aren’t respected as people. Sometimes, it feels like we’re just seen as sex objects, or guardians that can carry any burden. I’m not interested in being a full-time caretaker, or the sole rock in a relationship. I want to be taken care of, too.

At the same time that I embrace the expectations placed on me as a butch, I also reject them.

I’m just rambling; I’m not really sure if I have anything original to say. This has definitely all been said before, by writers far more eloquent than me. I just hope you all think about how you treat butches, and question why that is.

[gayf1hoe]

Part 11

After being in the hospital overnight they discharged me in the morning and I'm waiting outside the front for a taxi to pick me up when I see Charles and my mother pull into the hospital parking area. “What are you two doing here?”. “Now, Now M/N that's no way to greet your mother and boyfriend” my mum says. I laugh jovially whilst approaching the back seat door and sit down.

“So how come you two are together?” I ask, wondering why my mother is with my boyfriend whom I only introduced her to less than a day ago, “we decided that we would come and get you together” Charles replies and my mum follows on “anyway enough of detective M/N, how are you feeling now?”. “I feel much better, I have to drink plenty of water, rest and take antibiotics for a week and I should be good to go”.

“Well you won't be training for a couple of days then and that's a direct order from me” my mum says understanding that I simply can't just ‘rest' but the next Grand Prix isn't for 10 days and plus the Las Vegas Grand Prix has to be one of my favourites so I have to perform at my best there.

Remembering that I wasn't there for the podium ceremony I ask them “Who collected my trophy?”, “they sent your engineer Jack to collect it on your behalf” Charles says and I hum in acknowledgement. My mum pulls into the hotel parking area and we arrive quite quickly as the hotel is only down the road from the hospital.

I step out the car and Charles follows next to me and my mum goes to get out the car I say to her “Oh no mum it's fine, you can go back and rest and have fun, I'm just going to bed” and she looks at me and says “M/N L/N since the moment you were born you are stubborn and never take anyone's advice, I know full well you aren't going to rest so I booked a room here to make sure you do”.

I admit defeat and head towards the entrance where I am greeted by George who immediately hugs me and says “are you all good? You had us so worried”, I let out a slight giggle at his intense panic, “Yes I'm fine it was just food poisoning”. When I continue walking I get numerous comments and questions asking how I am and congratulating me for P1 in the last race.

I finally reach my room and swing the door open and immediately see a trophy sat on the desk of the room and I walk over to it and intently look at it. It all just feels so surreal, how can I be a 3 time grand prix winner in my first season?

My mother informs me I must get into bed, so I go into the bathroom and change into some shorts and a T-Shirt and get into bed Charles goes to sit next to me and my mother says “Let's leave him alone he's an impulsive chatterbox if someone is here he will talk and not rest” and before I can say anything they both leave the room.

I decide to watch highlights of the race seeing as I was barely coherent enough to remember any of it, as I sit there just aimlessly watching the race and I am actually proud of myself for how I actually managed to turn the car half the time as I lacked any strength.

After about an hour of just sitting there doing nothing I'm incredibly bored and not tired so I look at my phone and see an article that had seen Charles getting me from the hospital and the title of the article was “FELLOW DRIVER CHARLES LECLERC PICKS UP HIS FRIEND FROM HOSPITAL FOLLOWING EMERGENCY HOSPITALISATION” and a lot of the comments are just “That's so nice of him” and “I'm glad they're friends” and I see another one however this title concerns me more “LECLERC AND L/N SEE OUTSIDE HOSPITAL HUGGING, A POSSIBLE COUPLE?”, and the comments on this post are noticeably onto to something with many saying

“they have been so close all of a sudden so it wouldn't surprise me”

“They have hugged quite a lot and been really touchy with each other”

and others were more dismissive saying “Charles isn't gay”.

I close my phone before it sends me insane, the problem with me dating Charles isn't the fact we are both men it's that, I know he's way more popular than me and he has many different standards placed upon him, and as he hasn't come out to people yet they are bound to blame him turning gay on me, like they did with mick and him being Bi.

I decide that if I sit in this room any longer I may just go insane so I put on some normal clothes and head downstairs through the back staircase, most driver's are just relaxing and as I walk around the back near the sports court Yuki shouts my name which I quickly reply with “shut up are you trying to get me caught” and he quickly pulls a face that questions me. “My mother is here and you know what she's like she's on a warpath to keep in bed” I explain however I don't have to go into much detail as Yuki knows what my mother is like when I'm sick or injured, like that time when I was in F3 and had my first ever crash and went into the barrier and had a sprained wrist from the force she tried to get me to quit racing to which I didn't listen to.

He comes over and asks “So where are you going?” he asks “I'm just going to do some sight seeing”, “do you want me to come with you?” He asks. “No I think I just need some time alone, but thanks for the offer” he nods in acknowledgement and we part ways and I exit through the back exit and head down the street looking at each and every shop and building. There is a mountain in the distance and I challenge myself to walk to it. And after about 45 minutes I reach the bottom of it and decide to take a light walk up it. I meet a group of young American tourists who ask me if I want to join them in walking up the mountain and I agree as they seem like nice people.

One of the guys asks me what I'm doing in China and before I can even reply one of the girls says, “ARE YOU DENSE? HES M/N L/N THE GREATEST FORMULA 1 ROOKIE SINCE HAMILTON” I laugh at her response and thank her for her support.

I quickly make friends with one of the girls called Lucy and we begin chatting about Formula 1 as she's recently started getting into it. “So what are your thoughts on the season so far?” she asks “it's been a great start for me I couldn't have asked for anything better, P1 on the first 3 races of the season has been amazing. She continually congratulates me for my success and tells me how well I have performed.

She then asks me “Why do you hate the media?” This is a question I get asked on a daily basis and have never truly answered until now. “Well growing up I was around Kimi Räikkönen quite a lot as he was a friend of my engineer so he would be around a lot and he sort of told me why the media annoys him so I was able to pick things out a lot easier. And when I was in F3 and a reporter asked me “Do you think racing is ready for a gay driver?” It was my first media interaction and it set the foundation that would be a hate for journalists”.

After an hour we reach the peak of this mountain which isn't very big but bug enough to give you a full view of the city. The guys ask if they can take a photo with me and I say yes to little did I know it would come back to haunt me later.

Now we have reached the top, we head back down the mountain discussing a variety of topics from Formula 1 to education when one of the guys asks me a question I have never been asked before and never even thought to myself “Do you think people look up to you and see you as an inspiration?” I think about it for a minute, genuinely thinking that I could be someone's inspiration, “I've never thought of that before but I would hope that people would look at me and see that if I can do it they can too”.

The walk down is much easier with the downhill gradient playing to our advantage when we reach the guys who give me their Instagrams for me to follow and I do so on the spot. I wish them a great rest of their trip and they wish me good luck for the rest of the season.

I decide to head back to the hotel as the long walk had killed my legs and sneak back in the same way and head up to my room and I jump at the sight of Charles and my mother both sitting on chairs in my room.

“What are you doing in my room?” I ask very quietly “More importantly where have you been?” my mum asks “Just for a light walk to clear my head” I say “Mon Amour climbing up a mountain isn't a light walk and if that's you idea of a light walk I would hate to see your idea of a long walk” Charles adds “How did–” I begin to say, being cut of by my mum “It's all over Instagram you idiot” I laugh at the fact I've been caught out and it reminds me of my childhood of me sneaking out to go to the karting track.

“I was bored out of my mind and felt like if I looked at any of these walls again I would've gone mental, and besides it's not as if I was alone so if anything did happen to me I wouldn't of been alone”

They both stare at me seeing my point of view and accept it and instead of my mother's normal ritual and lecturing me she says “it's all good, you don't have to stay in your room and rest just don't exert yourself” I smile knowing that for the first time in my life I have won against my mum.

We all head downstairs and go out to the pool which is now being used as it's stopped raining and the temperature is now 28⁰c (82.4⁰ f) me and Charles sit on the sunbeds and my mum says she's gonna go and use the spa so me and Charles are left alone watching the other drivers around the pool. We sit in silence for a while when I ask him, “did you see the articles about us at the hospital”, “yeah” he replies. “I think it's time,” he says, “time for what?” I ask. “Time to come out and admit that we are dating”, “are you 100% sure” I question wanting to make sure he isn't feeling pressured into anything. However he agrees that he feels completely ready so we both wrote Instagram posts.

Charles chooses a photo of us hugging at the beach and his caption is the following:

“It's been a whirlwind of a season already, it has been challenging and eye opening. With plenty of opportunities to learn and find out new things.

I guess I would like to begin by saying…

I am gay and dating @M/N_L/N

Whilst I understand this is unexpected and probably a shock to many given the circumstances of which we started off with, I have grown to love him so much and come to terms with the fact I'm gay. Whilst many will assume M/N ‘turned me gay’ this is simply not true, he has simply made me feel comfortable with who I am.

I understand the pressures that I now face being a gay racing driver but I promise that my sexuality doesn't change who or how I race.

Thank you for your support. #weraceasone”

My post is however more my straight forward style with the photo of me and Charles at the drivers party after Monaco and my caption is short and sweet (somewhat):

Caption:

“Me and @CharlesLeclerc are dating.

If you are a homophobe or have a problem with it send your complaints to: getfucked@fuckyou.com.”.

We post them both and not long after all the drivers come over and start congratulating us and hugging us and saying “finally”. Yuki says to Charles “you can have him Monday to Wednesday and I can have him the rest of the week” everyone laughs at this.

After everyone has finished congratulating us we decide to go to dinner at some fancy restaurant to celebrate yesterday's race and we enter this really nice Chinese restaurant.

Whilst everyone is ordering food that has meat or fish in it I'm taking no chances at getting sick again and order a vegetarian meal that means I won't get food poisoning again, and Charles notices and laughs at my anxiety.

Most of the drivers have finished their meals by 9 PM and decide it would be a good idea to go to a nearby theme park.

Me and Charles decided to go off by ourselves and go to a ring toss stand where I fail miserably but Charles wins a teddy bear and gives it to me and I spend the whole night carrying this Teddy bear which has a bright red heart on it.

After a while we reconvene with some of the others and go on this roller-coaster and Charles spent the whole thing screaming and holding my hand with me hysterically laughing at him the whole time.

When we get off it takes Charles a moment to get use to walking again he's stumbling and limping from the dizziness and when Daniel walks past he says “that's how he often leaves M/N's room unable to walk” this leads to lando and Max bursting out into uncontrolled laughter and many people judging them as they walk past.

Charles suggests we head back to the hotel and we leave the others to have their fun. When we hit back to the hotel we both head into Chalres’ room and go straight to the balcony to sit down.

After a while of enjoying the view he breaks the silence and says “I'm glad I came out and can show my love for you even more.

***

We finally land in Las Vegas and I am already in love with the lights and the amazing atmosphere. The past few days have been surreal with both mine and Charles’ team both having no issue with the situation and our fans being supportive. Of course there have been the odd horrible hate comments but they don't really matter.

As we arrive at the hotel we all exit the cars and head to reception and me and Charles try to check in separately and they tell us there's only a reservation for me and that's when the head of accommodation tells us that we are sharing a room and this leads to an echoes of whistles and cheers from the others.

Me and Charles head straight to our room and dump our stuff and head back downstairs for the breakfast buffet as we arrived in the morning and have to be at the track for training and meetings and I have to be there for an additional meeting.

Just 2 days ago I received an email asking me to attend a meeting with the Ferrari team. They didn't say what it was about but I have my suspicions.

After breakfast we all head to the track and get to work with our teams, me and Geogre are sitting in a boring meeting, with Toto waffling on about our strategies for the next race and how well we have done this season. After what feels like an eternity we are dismissed and head to our garage to take a look at our cars. George gets on with some free practice and I go to get my new helmet as my other one was discarded, however it's the same style. I just have to check if it fits and is comfortable, and after that I am free to do what I want.

I check my phone to see the time and it's only 11:30 AM and my meeting with Frédéric is at 12:00 so I decide to just go and sit in catering for 30 minutes, it'd empty and there isn't much food put as they have only really just set it up so I sit on table by myself aimlessly scrolling on my phone.

Time goes by really fast and before I know it I'm walking over to the Ferrari garage and I manage to get past without being seen and I make my way to a door that had Frédéric's name on it and knock, after a slight pause I hear someone say “come in”. I open the door and am greeted by Frédéric who is sitting behind his desk, however when I enter he stands up immediately and shakes my hand.

“Thank you for coming M/N” he says simultaneously shaking my hand, “it's my pleasure” I reply and he points towards the chair I should sit in, I take a seat and he begins to talk.

“Look I'm just going to get straight to the point, you are clearly a talented driver as we have seen this season already. You are championship material and we believe you can do even better with us here at Ferrari. We would invest into your career and make sure you achieve your potential. Also, it would be great for you and Charles to work together, don't you think?”

I nod in agreement and he says “well not to rush you but we will need your answer by next week because we want to be prepared” I stand up and say “thank you” and head for the door, when I get out I lean against the wall and let out a sigh an start walking out when Charles spots me.

“Hey M/N what are you doing here?” he asks “oh I was looking for you I've finished for the day and was wondering if you wanted to get some lunch from catering” I say, to which he replies “sure give me a second to get my phone”.

After 2 minutes he comes out-of his driver's room and he grabs my hand and we walk towards catering and we get numerous comments from other drivers calling us “love birds”, when we get to catering we sit at a table with Pierre, Kika, Alex, Lily, Oscar and Lily (Z). Most of the drivers have brought their partners with them in order to spend time with them.

We are all sit around talking and eating but the guys have to go back to their teams after only 20 minutes as they still haven't finished for the day and Pierre leaves saying “don't steal any of our girlfriends M/N” this causes everyone to laugh as they leave the building and then Kika turns to me and says, “before we start let me formally introduce you 2, M/N this is Lilly Oscar's girlfriend, Lily this is M/N an amazing driver and one of the girls despite being a male”.

We both laugh and say hello and this is when Kika and Lily begin by saying “so updates on the drama”, this leads me to reply with “it's not drama”. Lily then says “Listen I have known you since F2 you downplay everything you got food poisoning, won a race and told the world you are dating Charles Leclerc if that doesn't count as drama I don't know what does”.

I laugh and say “OK chill, there is something that has come up that could cause drama”, “SPILL” Kika basically shouts at my face. “Well I have been given an offer to race for Ferrari next season” how does that cause drama Lily (Z) asks me with Kika following on by saying “Yeah how does that cause drama”.

I consider it for a moment and decide I better kill their curiosity “because I'm not going to accept the offer”, “are you insane? Why not?” They all shout at me. “To begin with chill, one they don't have good strategies that will enable me to continue winning, two I don't think the Ferrari identity suits me and three I don't want to overshadow Charles in a team he's been with for ages”.

“So what team are you going with next year, because you don't want to stay with Mercedes right?” Lily asks, “Correct and I have made my decision” I reply.

“Well tell us which team” Kika pushes on, “I don't know if I can” I say and then Lily gets closer to me and says “We have been friends for years, you know what you are doing, torturing us, so please, tell us”. I start laughing and manage to say “I'll tell you”.

“Aston Martin” I bluntly spit out.

All 3 of them sit in silence for a while and I don't get why, because Kika and Lily knew I had an offer from them and Lily Z says “Are you going to tell Charles about your offer from Ferrari?”. “I will eventually but I'm not sure how to say it without him taking it the wrong way”.

Seeing I was in a moment of interpersonal conflict they suggest we go on a walk around the paddock to clear the air. Kika asks me “so have you told Aston Martin you are going to accept their offer?”, “no not yet” I respond. “So when are you?” she retorts back “I don't know”.

Coincidentally our walk takes us past the Aston Martin garage and Kika makes us stop, “what are we doing? Why have we stopped?” I ask, “You are going to go in there and put us out of our misery and accept the offer so you stop thinking about it” Lily says in an imperative tone. I whine and like my mother Kika tells me to shut up and go for it.

Accepting they won't let this go I walk into the Aston Martin garage and head along the corridor until I reach a door that says “Mike Krack - Team Principal” I stand for a moment before knocking on the door. I hear a voice from within say “come in”.

I open the door and see Mike sitting at a meeting table in his room, when he sees me he stands up and says, “M/N what can I do for you?” I stand for a while fumbling with my thumbs before blurting out “I am here…. to say I would like to accept your offer to race for Aston Martin next season”, “well that's wonderful, have you told Mercedes yet?”, “erm no I'm going to tell them soon though, I just want there to be a focus on my racing and not what team I'm going to”.

We speak for a while about contracts and media stuff and he says once I'm ready they will announce it but I want to tell Charles, George, Mercedes and Lance by myself first and not have them find out through the media. As I'm walking out I see Lance and see this as the perfect chance to tell him, “hey Lance can I talk to you for a second?”, “sure” he says. “Is everything alright?” He asks “Yeah erm I just wanted to tell you face to face that as of next year I will be your teammate”, “are you serious?” He asks, jumping up and down like a child “haha yes I'm serious, just don't tell anyone for now, keep it between you and me”, “of course” he says.

I say goodbye to him and walk out and to my surprise see the girls still waiting for me, I was in there for ages and thought they would've left. “How did it go?” Kika says almost immediately “it went well we talked about contracts, media and I told Lance”. They all give me a proud smile and we walk back to the catering area where all out boyfriends are waiting for us and as we are walking Lily Z asks me when I'm going to tell Charles and Kika chimes in by saying “you might as well do it today to get it out of the way” as she finishes her sentence we enter catering, Charles comes up to me and hugs me but I tell him I need to speak to George quickly and he tells me not to be too long.

I walk over to George who is with Carmen and I ask if I can talk to him and Camren asks if she should leave but I tell her she can stay. “I just wanted to tell you personally that I have loved working with you so far and your a great teammate but next year I won't be racing for Mercedes, because I have accepted an offer with Aston Martin and I wanted to tell you personally and that it's nothing personal it's just team management” he looks quite solemn but says “thank you for telling me personally and all I can say is let's continue to smash this season”. I smile and wish him and Carmen a good evening and now set my eyes on Charles.

I approach him slightly hesitant, “hey can we talk?” I say and as he agrees pull his hand leading him outside “is everything okay amour?”, “Just promise me you will listen to me and let me finish before you ask any questions” I say, “sure” he replies.

“So I want to tell you face to face I'm leaving Mercedes next year and going to Aston Martin, I also wanted to let you know I turned down an offer from Ferrari–” and before I can finish he goes absolutely bat shit mad “WHAT? YOU TURNED DOWN THE OFFER TO RACE ALONGSIDE ME. DO YOU NOT WANT TO RACE WITH ME?”

“What happened to letting me finish?” I say in retaliation.

“I'm sorry, go ahead and give me some shit excuse to justify not wanting to be with me as much as possible” he says with a spiteful tone underscored by pettiness.

“One Ferrari doesn't have the strategies that I believe would leave me to success, two the whole Ferrari identity doesn't suit me and three I don't want to take attention away from you, Ferrari is your team, and I didn't want to impede on that”

I stand hoping he will say something nice instead he says “any other secrets you have kept from me?”, “I'M SORRY BUT I HAVE TOLD YOU ON THE SAME DAY I ACCEPTED THE OFFER AND YOU KNOW DON'T ACT LIKE A CHILD. MY DECISION NOT TO JOIN FERRARI IS BETTER FOR ME AND YOU AND IF YOU CAN'T SEE THAT CHARLES THEN YOU ARE REALLY IGNORANT”.

I storm off in anger and walk back into catering and Kika and both Lily's come straight over to me and Kika says “How did it go?” to which I reply” it went as well as fire and diesel put together”, “so he didn't take it well?” Lily (Z) asks, “Nope he shouted at me, I shouted at him, he accused me of having more secrets and not wanting to spend as much time with him and then I said he shouldn't act like a child and that he was ignorant and then I walked off” as I finish my sentence Charles walks past and blanks me and the girls then resort to saying he's acting like a spoilt child and they ask what I'm going to do. But I have no clue. “I'm probably going to find another place to sleep tonight, I would go to my mum's room but she had to fly back for work this morning so I'll crash with Yuki'', “You can always stay with me and Pierre we have a pull out bed on our room” Kika offers but I insist I don't want to be of hindrance to them, however she won't accept it and almost tells me I'm spending the night with them.

After a while we all leave the paddock and head back to the hotel. Pierre comes up to me and says “I hear you're crashing with us tonight?”, “Yeah I tried to say no but Kika insisted” he laughs and asks “what's happened between you and Charles?”,”Just a slight disagreement nothing too major”. The journey back is awkward. Charles is at the front walking with Carlos and Lando whilst I'm at the back with Kika, Pierre and Lily, they are all talking but I'm not in the mood for it.

When we arrive at the hotel we all head straight into the dining room for dinner, but I don't have much of an appetite and Charles sitting on the opposite end of the table puts me off eating so I tell Kika and Pierre I'm going to get some stuff from my room and just wait in theirs. Before they can ask me any questions, I have left the table and am walking out the doors.

I reach mine and Charles’ room and start gathering stuff when I hear the door click. I assume I didn't close it properly and it's shut itself but then I hear a voice behind me. “What are you doing?”. It's Charles. “I'm getting some stuff, I'm not staying here tonight”, I continue shoving items into a backpack and he stops me. “Don't do this,” he says. “We need space, you clearly think I have some agenda to not spend time with you” I retort.

“Just wait, I was stupid and I wasn't thinking, I was just, jealous and annoyed that you decided another team, another teammate over me, I understand your reasons for doing so but I can't act like I'm not offended, I would've thought you would of wanted to spend every moment with me no matter what” he says.

“I didn't pick another team to spite you, or annoy you, I did what I think is best for me, I know I could spend more time with you if I joined Ferrari, I know I could earn more money if I joined Ferrari, but I know I can enjoy myself at Aston Martin and I know we won't get to spend as much time together but it means we will value the time we do get together and it's not as if me being in a different team means we don't get to see each other, we still see each other in the paddock everyday and spend every night together”

“I love you” he says.

“I love you too you idiot” I say back and he laughs and we embrace in a hug and he kisses me on the lips.

We both decide to just spend the night in bed watching movies enjoying the peace before qualifying tomorrow.

It's now the next day and I feel much happier that me and Charles fixed everything and I'm looking forward to qualifying as I'm waiting to get out on track. I manage to make it to Q3 and I am last to do a timed lap so I have no idea of the line up until cross the line and I hear my engineer in my ear go:

“M/N that's Pole position P2 is Leclerc P3 Verstappen and George is P5”

“What was the gap between me and Chalres?” I ask.

“And M/N you were 0.2 seconds faster” he replies and I simply laugh into the radio and say “I know he's definitely pissed off”.

I leave my car and see Charles walking over and he hugs me and congratulates me for Pole position and I ask him “do you know what the gap was?”, “no” he replies, “0.2 seconds” I say and he pulls a shocked face and says “You little shit couldn't you have gone a bit slower”. “Never love, can't give you special treatment”. “It's fine I'm going to win tomorrow anyway” he says very confidently. “If you say so, leclerc”.

We spend the rest of the day doing strategies and training in preparation for tomorrow.

***

David Croft: And it's the day of the Las Vegas Grand Prix and after an amazing qualifying performance yesterday M/N L/N takes Pole Position with Leclerc P2 and Verstappen P3.

The formation lap is underway so let's get the Las Vegas Grand Prix started.

And it's lights out and away we go, L/N gets a great start with Leclerc maintain a close goal Verstappen comes down the side of Leclerc as we approach turn one and he breaks late and gets ahead of Charles Leclerc and he sets his eyes on his biggest competition M/N L/N the man who has dominated this season and he Verstappen and M/N go wheel to wheel down the straight but M/N just doesn't give Verstappen any chances.

….

And as we enter the last lap of thenLas Vegas Grand Prix it's L/N I'm P1, Verstappen P2, Perez P3 and Leclerc P4, and as we enter turn 2 Leclerc goes for Perez and he passes as we enter turn 16 Verstappen locks up on Charles Leclerc and he passes he sets his eyes on L/N who is 2.1 seconds ahead of him L/N through turn 17 Charles Lecerc right on his tail he just has the edge in him and it's M/N L/N who wins the Las Vegas Grand Prix he wins 4 out of 4 races so far, this is truly unbelievable, never has this been seen before, and Charles Leclerc who has his eyes on P1 settles for P2 and undoubtedly Verstappen is very angry with P3 have we seen the fall of the once unbeatable World Champion.

“And M/N that's P1 slow button on, you did an amazing job, great work, I'm sure Charles is very envious of you”

“Haha thank you, this is all down to you guys so thank you” I say back.

As I pull into Parc ferme I hop out of my car and raise my arms with Charles next to me and he embraces me in a hug I turn to congratulate Max however he's walked off in a sulking mood.

The atmosphere in the cool down room is strange. It's a sense of excitement from me and Charles and a sense of anger and bitterness from Max.

As we are on the podium I have finished spraying champagne everywhere Charles grabs my face and begins to kiss me causing a raucous cheer from down below. As we pull apart we laugh and hold up our trophies.

[from-izzy]

addressing my health and writing!!

fun fact: i'm rereading this post as careful as i can because i wrote ~90% of this post with my eyes closed!!

hi everyone!

the title of this post seems so serious but also not so serious at the same time...? 😅

anyways! this is just me updating a little bit of my health and how it's been affecting my writing.

on january 31st 2022, my psychologist wrote a letter to my school addressing that he 'has...identified that [I have]...Sensory Processing Disorder' (words quoted by the letter that was sent out). as far as i'm aware, i specifically have sensory modulation disorder.

i'll try to keep this concise and to the point. in terms of my spd in general, four of my five senses are hypersensitive with my top two being visual and hearing.

i recently just found out an important info by quite literally timing myself. i stayed in my room, lights out and in the dark for 20 mins. during that time, i did nothing but just stare at the ceiling (or i don't know, the spider that went past too) and jammed to some music. after, i started to write.

there is small time gap of 14 mins before i felt a twitch in my right eye. there is a small 1 min gap after when i started to get a headache. for me, i knew this before but i was afraid to admit it especially when i love writing so much but it's clear now that i am hypersensitive to lights.

that's why (at least, i personally feel like this) my writing quality has decreased drastically and writing errors are more apparent than ever. i get people to proofread for me but i'm really bad in asking for help so i usually just try to do it myself to the best of my abilities. the way i explain scenes have also been more boring and bland, and i want to tell you that if you think so too, you're most probably right! it frustrates me more than anything.

i'm trying to find ways to counter this or at least make the time gap bigger. i recently found out that writing in the dark, phone brightness down to the lowest helps and i was able to write for about ~40 mins before i started to get a headache. but unfortunately for my sleep hygiene, no technology should be in my room (i even moved my piano out of my room because of this) and so, i am trying to find another way.

another way i found is that closing my eyes works. fun fact: i'm rereading this post as careful as i can because i wrote ~90% of this post with my eyes closed!! yes it works but you can imagine how hard it can be.

if i can be fully honest, it's actually really hard for me to both read and write these days as well because there is no way i can make out the words without any form of light. when the headache strikes, it strikes and walking in a straight line can become difficult sometimes. the reality is that it's hard to write without reading and it sucks that i can't support anyone's work at the moment, especially when they have supported me so much (i'm so sorry to all the writers out there). there is nothing much i can do right now but to remember and learn the stories in my head as references when i write.

i'm still exploring for more ideas but if you have any ideas, do tell! i would love to try them out!

but i'm not going to stop writing! not when i have ideas to write and stories to share! it's just going to be slow and i'm planning to take it in a pace where i can handle. like i've mentioned before, i don't want to release stories that i'm not proud of.

thank you everyone for the support so far! 'double a decade' reached 100+ notes in less than a week! that's so crazy for me, thank you 😭💕

[honeyed-poet]

Musings of a Digesting Poet

or

The End of the Honey Boy

written by Honeyedpoetprey

Art credit goes to Izumy and mementomori

WARNING: Implied willing fatal Vore and lots of digestion talk ahead

Wow, there I was adventuring along as always… seemed like any other day, and now here I am packed in a tummy just stewing and churning… I had a dream it would end this way.

From the satisfied belch up there… I’m glad you enjoyed me! The accommodations are very warm and wet and soft, with just enough dim reddish light to watch the fluids secrete and drip their way down through all the little folds and crevices. Kinda mesmerizing, and I intend to just relax and enjoy myself while it lasts. You can only get eaten once, after all.

As for what to do with the rest of our time together? Well, if you’re lonely, we can chat. Maybe find a nice wine to compliment what’s left of my flavour in your mouth. When you’re ready though, do go ahead and digest me all up. As much as I enjoy it in here, it would be greedy of me to keep filling this space in your belly when I’m sure there are many more who would like to follow. Speaking of, you can feel free to go ahead and burp up my phone when you’re done with me and use my contacts as a menu, if you wish.

If there’s anything I can do to make the afterglow of your meal more enjoyable before I become a nutritious human smoothie and a layer of pudge, do let me know, and if you should hiccup and feel a light, sweet taste of honey in your mouth, that’s just me saying hello. Or displacing air as I roll over to get more comfortable… either one of those.

What’s that? If I dreamed about this in advance… and that must make you the girl of my dreams? Huh, yes, I suppose that’s true. By all means do take it as a compliment!


Might explain why the idea of being eaten always mingled with the erotic for me but.. bah. That would be a crass direction to take this lovely discourse. Speaking of which, I would be a poor and ungentlemanly one-time dinner host if I didn't also buy you a drink. I recommend a nice Merlot to pair with sweeter meats like myself.

If my jacket is still nearby, there should be ample cash in my wallet for you to nab a celebratorybottle while I'm still relatively solid and fresh on your palate. Moreover, I happen to quite like the scent, so melting away as it showers down over me just sounds heavenly.

Mmf! Oh my! Was that a possessive, proud pat I just felt? You naughty girl teasing me like that!

Hmmm, your strange pride in having me in your tummy and my strange contentment with my fate may well be a sign that this was just destiny and a fulfillment of my purpose…

Kind of mind boggling to think about, really. My family line going back hundreds of years (many of their obituaries more resembling food reviews) until finally, my parents produced me with the correct flavour profile and feel to just to go through life waiting until the moment you got to taste and feel this well-bred meal glide over your tongue and plop into a tummy made to fit it and squeeze and churn it just right.

l used to like to play games with predators (it was my way of reconciling my survival instinct with my strange attraction to being eaten). Give them hints as to my location, tease, them, and lead them on a merry chase before finally escaping and wishing them better luck next time…

Every narrow escape, every predator I left hungry without so much as a lick, and here, there was no such struggle. You saw me, decided I belonged in your belly, and gobbled me down. No more running, nothing complicated, I was caught, and it was time to fulfill my purpose as a delightful dinner.

And now, my survival instinct isn't screaming at me like it always did before. I'm here. And I'm content… even as I contemplate how much longer I have until I sink into the soupy slurry that will soon be forming beneath me.

Would make for a nice parody of a destined love story with a cliche title like "Love At First Bite", I'd consider writing it if it wasn't for….. Well you know, your tummy walls and stomach acids getting right to work on lovingly caressing and churning me into Cream-of-Me soup.

But perhaps that's why I'm okay with ending up in the belly of a uniquely talented writer and deep thinker like yourself. I may be ending, but rather than leaving my own legacy behind, by digesting inside you, nourishing you, contributing to your body, and energizing yourmind will make your future accomplishments, the dreams you will fulfill, in some small way an extension of myself. It's a nice consolation whether you forget me completely after I melt into more of you, or think back occasionally on that dinner conversation so long ago.

Personally, I hope I'm brain food (can't know for sure. I wasn't really born with an index of nutritional facts) so I can motivate your talented mind to produce yet more fantastic writing! After all the stories I've written… having she who ate me carry on writing long after I’m just her pudge sounds so fitting!

l apologize for rambling. Destiny, purpose, and legacy are heady chit-chat topics to have with someone you are currently digesting. (The acids are accumulating and rising quite nicely, more of a chest-deep hot tub than a sauna at this point).

I'll wriggle and squirm for a bit, and I do hope you enjoy the feel of my movements until my form rounds out into a bellyfull of pleasantly bubbling and groaning mush slowly being moved along and put to use. Hope your digestive system is efficient! I would hate for too much of me to go to waste.

Glad you found me delicious, hopefully you'll leave a five-star review for my relatives and failed predators to see, and don't feel too bad about me missing out on your future writings. It is a fitting end to just be part of your story... Whatever comes next that I miss once I'm offering a little padding beneath you upon your writing chair, I will always have my own little chapter. This moment just for me~

~GGGRRRRRGL CHRRRRN~

~Glorp Glorp~

~SCHLO00000Rpp~

*.blup.*

URRRRRRRRP~

"Oh! He DID taste like honey~ yummmm~"

And in that instant… the Honeyed Poet was gone…. and only a satisfied pred, looking forward to healthily digest the rest of him away remained.

~THE END~