#why was he so mad at the knowledge being preserved??

[midnightwind]

I did the Well of Sorrows and then went to bed, but I am Still thinking about it and getting mad lmao

why the Fuck does Solas disapprove of a Dalish Inquisitor telling Morrigan no, that it's their heritage and history and if anyone is going to drink from it then it should be an elf

why did I only get one option that pointed that out and why did I pick it on accident (thank god I picked it at all) instead of it being a very clear and consistent shut down

why couldn't I properly discuss sending the Ancient elves out to the many Dalish clans desperately clinging to Elvehn history who would benefit so much from what they could share instead of stripping them of their only purpose to either enter the forever sleep or wander purposeless? if I hadn't taken Solas with me, would there have even been a chance to encourage them that there was still a place for them in the world?

why did I have to spend that entire section having Morrigan explain and translate every piece of Elvehn history and myth to me before going "not my clan tho!" like the one time my Inquisitor could have her properly defend and use her origin and I still had to have everything explained to me like a child lmao

Morrigan very justified for being annoyed at me for taking the magic I had no way to understand tho, she did have a valid point there, However

I am elf, elf magic is mine

[tracklessreason]

Hi. It's me again.

WHERE THE FRICK IS BUMBLEBEE?! Sorry, let me calm down and retry.

Thank you for answering my last ask, I can't help but notice how no one knows where Bee's ghost is. And Megatron is the one looking into the Matrix... Is he haunting Megatron? Trying to stop him from doing it? Helping him?

Is Optimus's ghost following Ratchet around like a sad puppy?

Also just the pairings- Jazz with Megatronus? THat sounds... like fun.

Do the primes miss the other Primes and ask their host if they can check on the other bots that got shrapeneled? Maybe one of them asks if they can find a way to talk with the others... or maybe they can talk trough the hosts... maybe... (ah ah possessed arc)

(PS I really vibe with Hive's whole deal, he is very cool :D and I'm devastated that I'm the one that discovered how he explodes)

Hug hug!

Hi again!!! Don't worry, Bee is still here!

His spirit is just...struggling. He's weak at first, flickering like a dying light bulb. He hasn't left the fractured core of the Matrix still in his corpse, but his soul signature is so weak no one can find him. He's just sort of trapped there for a while, in the burnt out room he died in. Until Megatron of course.

Megatron breaks into the autobot base, walks past every sleeping mech he could easily have snuffed, and steals the Matrix core, and by unintentional extension, steals Bumblebee. Now at first, Bee is rightfully upset. He hates being at the gloomy decepticon base, he hates Megatron for taking his voice, he's just mad. Time passes as Megatron tinkers with the core, and Bee regains strength enough to....throw things???

It shouldn't be possible. Somehow this unstable remnant of the Matrix doesn't contain him, but merely houses him, and as he grows stronger, he can appear as an apparition to Megatron. He uses it almost solely to hinder him. With no voice (even ghost Bee gets no respite) all he can really do is mess up Megatron's workspace and insult him through pantomime. Really he doesn't understand why Megatron puts up with it, but aside from the occasional fit of rage at his antics, the decepticon leader ignores him as much as possible and puts his all into trying to restore the Matrix.

Before long he starts having one sided conversations with Bumblebee. Its mostly complaints at first, and insults towards him and the autobots and whatever else goes wrong in his life outside of this little workshop Bee cant leave. It soon gives way to more private matters; intentionally or not, Megatron is revealing his very convoluted, very mixed feelings about Optimus Prime.

The war has gone on too long, why couldn't that idiot just see things from his perspective, he deserved to die, he will be brought back, how could his oldest friend just leave him like this...

To Bee it sounds...exactly like how Optimus felt about Megatron, just drowned in molten anger issues. Against his self preservation instinct, Bee decides to work towards putting this whole mess to bed. Nothing better to do.

With what limited knowledge and communication he has, he does his best to try and help Megatron fix the Matrix. They have spats still, and plenty of set backs, but things smooth over when Megatron (begrudgingly) admits to feelings of regret over taking Bee's voice. As an olive branch, Bee explains something to Megatron that he's been dying to know: how Optimus died.

Things sour fast. Megatron is determined to murder Starscream, Bee is frustratedly trying to explain that if he does so, this little partnership of convenience is over, and he will ensure that the Matrix is never restored. The end of the war relies almost solely on Megatron reeling in his damn anger, and Bee doesnt intend to allow any slip ups. He has no idea how this will end when Megatron leaves the workshop that night.

On the other side of things, the Primes are having a real...weird time?? The ones without hosts can communicate with each other, but the other four are basically cut off from all but their hosts. They don't have the ability to take control anymore, and even if they did, their hosts are nowhere near as easy to possess, nor as willing, as Hive Prime was. Ratchet especially has threatened to tear the Matrix metal from his frame and grind it to dust if Prima so much as thinks about trying it. The other three hosts are similarly put off.

Once again the Primes are relegated to giving advice, but it's not advice anyone seems to want, and yeah, it's mostly because of the wild pairings. Megatronus is constantly clutching his pearls over Jazz's laid-back attitude and deliberate ignorance of his wishes. Prima's calm rationality does little to temper Ratchet's snappy demeanor and only really gets on his nerves (how can you be so calm after what you all did?). Ironhide straight up refuses to acknowledge Quintus. Drift is probably the only one feeling alright with all this. Alpha Trion is generally reasonable, and isn't interested in having control over Drift's form, nor was he interested in it with Hive, so they just vibe like college roommates.

It's uncomfortable, but the Primes are used to sharing space. The worst part is actually sharing it with fewer mechs than usual. The Primes all miss each other to varying degrees, but for the most part are either too egotistical to admit it, or think it improper to mention.

Of course, grand prize for worst ghost time currently goes to Optimus. Dying, watching Bee suffer, feeling his friend's life force extinguish...

He might as well be a husk right now, full on silent treatment is all he's capable of at the moment. The other Primes know better than to try and speak with him. This is their doing to begin with, the channeling of their energy that strained Bee so heavily. Optimus follows the elected council around during the days, but at night he sits outside the room where Hive's body rests. He was there the night that Megatron broke in.

It takes immense effort to travel far enough out from the base to go see Megatron, and he needs several cycles to recover after every attempt, but he keeps doing it, knowing he could fade away permanently. When he gets there, he's too weak for Bee or Megatron to detect him. But he can hear their talks. He misses them both more than words can say.

(Sorry the response is so long, lol. This ask really got the gears turning in my head. I hope at least that makes up for being the one to find out that Ending 3 Hive dies bloody. I'm really flattered to hear you like him! For me that's quite high praise coming from you. Hug hug!)

[dallasgallant]

I never realized it before until recently but it’s so crazy how much and how often ponyboy babies johnny in the book….. always talking about him being the pet of the group (which is true but he really does talk about him like he was a dog or a cat like chill out girl 😭), how much hero worship he has for everyone around him, his stature and soft spoken-ness, pony really seems to preserve him by making him seem like 10 years old even though he describes many situations in which johnny is taking care of him especially in windrixville like staying awake for him on the train letting him sleep on him, his own jacket as a blanket when he goes to buy them food, etc lol I hope you get what I mean I don’t have the book with me rn so I can’t really give off exact examples off the top of my head but—

also maybe that’s why people are often soooo turned off by the concept of J and D being a ship because of how PB describes him, I’ve seen people think that J was the same age or younger than him and so they think of a big brother/little brother dynamic for jally when they actually seem more on equal ground than pony and dally (who in a kind of mentor/mentee relationship) and even pony and johnny (who I’d say are in more of a brother relationship… controversial opinion I know but I’m sticking with it!) in fact I’d say they’re the Most on equal ground in the whole story even more than soda and darry…. but I’ll let you guys figure that out on your own… even though JD only have a 1.5 age difference

okayyyyy so I definitely didn’t mean to make this about the ship dynamics of the book but I guess I can’t not be gay for five fucking minutes 😭😭😭 but it’s relevant to the point !!! idk I just felt like rambling to someone about it because pony really does talk about him like he’s so little and I think that really muddles the perception of johnny even though he’s trying to honor his memory because of the delicate ways he’s trying to protect him after he died :(

johnny cade they will never make me hate you </3

Oh yeah, I definitely think a lot of it is Pony’s recognition of himself as the youngest, as a “baby” and sort of projecting it off onto someone else. However, we know the gang doesn’t just see pony as “the kid brother” so it’s sort of his own issue to work out- as well as I think a bit of a lack of understanding? Or lack of a way to properly explain the way the gang treats Johnny, they take it a little easy on him as he’d been shaken pretty bad (they wouldn’t known/use ‘traumatized’ but they would know he changed a little) but they never really talk down to him.

No but yes I agree! Pony sort of washes over a lot of senecios where Johnny is clearly the older/more mature of the two of them. He’s the second youngest but he’s still 16. He’s still protecting and helping Pony like the rest of the guys and the whole “my fault for dragging a 13 year old kid along” detail…

No you’re right honestly. It’s weird to me as Johnny’s described as soft and close to Ponyboy but he never came across as 14 or that young to me in the book or movie— like there was always that knowledge to him that revealed his age. And I agree… he and Dally are on equal footing and trust. They have something going on whatever way you interpret it…. Personally I find “little brother” INSANE. As where people baby Johnny they over age Dallas… he’s 17 it’s a years age difference. If a friend barely older than me tried to pull that I’d throat punch them 😭 it’s ? They’re trying to make it cute but it feels a little demeaning? Putting the “little” in there. Dal doesn’t talk down to Johnny… honestly he talks up to him, gets mad expecting him to know better etc — trusts him with the gun, money etc everything and taking responsibility.

But no that’s also so sweet that in a way, even if Pony is being a bit off in how Johnny was treated that he’s trying to sort of protect him within his story. Honor him in a strange way. Ough. He was his best friend, you’d want to sweeten that image. Absolve.

[lou-syd]

Rewatched Mad Max: Fury Road recently, read the Furiosa and Max comics (I had issues with it but some interesting ideas were presented in it) and read the script (I am very normal about this) and Angharad is such a fascinating character to me and I had to compile my thoughts about her and what could have been in a very long post lol

After rewatching with the added context of the comics and script I think she could have had such a cool dynamic with Max specifically if she had lived. I get why from a story-telling perspective it was her who died, doomed by the narrative in a way for being the symbol of hope but her survival could have been very interesting to see play out in relation to other characters, in this case, Max because I love character foils. Also it would have been fun to me personally to see her be part of the Vuvalini and rocking Immortan's shit but anyway...

Angharad as a character is crazy layered with how little there is about her beyond the snippets of her that exist in the movie. She exists in this limbo of being a person and a martyr of sorts.

After she dies, in the script, she does predictably play the role of the Catalyst™

And it's her that keeps the little bit of humanity and hope alive.

And that's a turning point for Nux (and Max lowkey)

Max's reaction:

And in the movie she's introduced with a shot focusing on her pregnant belly and holding a hose, spurting out water (which she immediately shuts off as soon as she notices Max is thirsty but more on this later) which are both very important for the world they live in -- literal new life (the prospect of 'healthy babies') and water as life/ sustenance; hence why Immortan controls the world.

As a foil to Max, she's the idealist. He's past caring about anything beyond survival.

That's not to say she isn't pragmatic. She knows the world they live in and how they have to survive in it. For example, her stance on violence. She knows violence in this world is nearly inevitable but it doesn't mean they have to participate in it if they can avoid it. She reminds Furiosa that they agreed on no unnecessary killing. She can see past the cultish reverence the War Boys have for Immortan to see the reality:

There's also this part in the script:

The comic opens by pointing out that Immortan had allowed for the Wives to have an education and a teacher which ultimately turned out to be his downfall:

And I think that sums up her character pretty well. She's clearly internalized this knowledge from the way she spits back her philosophies and how dogmatic she is about her beliefs. When Cheedo tries to run back after her death, the others remind her 'we are not things' and that these were her words. Which points to the messages left in the vault after they escaped (Who killed the world, we are not things, our babies will not be warlords, etc.) being her words if not literally written by her as a last fuck you to Immortan.

So then Max gets added to the mix.

In the movie and script, there's a sense that he recognizes that among the Wives she's their sort of 'leader' (at least by my interpretation) with how he tends to focus on her and maybe to an extent sees her connection with Furiosa as something of value for his self-preservation among these women hence it's her he holds at gunpoint and makes stay as leverage when they make it to the canyon pass.

It's also her that walks past him and back to the rig even after he just overpowered Furiosa and had a gun in his hand with no qualms about using it. Which the script makes a point of:

It's her that tells Toast she doesn't have to do as Max tells her when they all first get on the rig together and he's securing all the weapons.

She's defiant. Her idealism is still pragmatic and it has teeth. She fights back with what she can -- putting herself in front of Furiosa in the movie (Max in the script) knowing Immortan won't take the shot, immediately jumping out of the rig to cut Max free, shutting off the hose when she notices Max is thirsty while he's holding them at gunpoint, giving the others hope and pushing them to escape.

Putting herself in front of Furiosa/Max also comes after the scene where Furiosa tosses her a gun to reload. Angharad can't reload the gun, she doesn't know how. Toast has to do it. But she can leverage what she has to protect them.

She refuses to lay down even if she might not be 'battle-hardened' in the way Furiosa and Max clearly are, or even Toast who clearly has so more real world experience.

I mean she looks at the man holding her at gunpoint like this:

She's a survivor, like him. And in the subtext, Max recognizes that.

They are so different and have lived vastly different lives. I'm sticking with the chronology of the three first films for Max even if it's super wonky timeline-wise but since Max's comic includes his original established history I'm going with that.

Max is haunted by the ghost of his past, the people he couldn't save. He was a father, a husband, he's alone in the world by the start of the movie and ends every movie alone. He kills if he must, if it's the fastest and easiest option, and moves on. He's succumbed to ennui but still wants to live. He's an aimless drifter, living day to day with no real goals beyond that. The comic describes hims as 'seeking contact only when necessity demanded it of him.' Max has to be forced to care but he's still capable of doing so.

But what has caring brought him but more loss.

Angharad cares a lot. It's her defense. She takes on being a pillar for four other women who suffer the same violent abuses and that's all she has until Furiosa gives them an out. She's not alone, hasn't been for a while. She has hope, she's suffered horribly and pushes on. They survive, in their own way.

It's also Angharad who really believed in the Green Place and likely passed that on to the others (Toast affirming that they're going to the Green Place no matter what after her death) and that includes Max.

As it stands, I do think their characters are sort of connected to each other. If you squint, Max indirectly caused her death. She couldn't regain her footing to get back on the rig because she slipped on her own blood, blood from the wound he inflicted.

And all this is to say that, it would have been very interesting to see them evolve and where that would have taken them. Past cruelties forgiven, a debt owed, and a bond forged -- what would that have looked like for these two? Would she have been on board with his idea to go back to the Citadel and reclaim it? How would she have reacted to the Green Place not existing anymore? To the Vuvalini? Would she have had to cash in on that 'debt' when they faced off against Immortan? So many what-ifs.

Sidenote: I also think her relationship with Furiosa could have been neat to see evolve if she had lived. Like, she's the one that spurred the others into action after Furiosa was forced to leave them. She directly says Furiosa showed them to be stronger.

[vitanithepure]

Can we talk about Gale again? And Mystra, one last time? Or at least let me vent? I know it seems like I can't shut up about it, but deal with me this one last time?

It's a long one, an fervent one, and possibly the last one on their relationship because there isn't much to tell for me after this. I just want to lay it to rest on my part, it's too emotionally draining, but I wanted to do this.

Spoilers for them ahead.

It was some time ago I did the talk with Mystra and Gale as an origin character and I needed some time to process this and gather my thoughts. Because I was left reeling with how personal it felt for me and I hated seeing that to bo honest, even though I think whoever did write this scene did it... very well. I feel a lot of thought went into it, so even though it does touch a delicate subject it does it as tastefully as possible.

Okay, let's begin with a real banger.

Why? This will forever read as "I gave you a solution, explain yourself why you didn't die when I asked you to." for me. What kind of messed up question is that to ask someone?

But can I say how there is absolutely no wrong anwser to that asinine question? You can roleplay however you wish, but none of them are bad anwsers. Some of them are more heartbreaking then the others, but none are in any way making excuses. There is nothing to excuse and I'm glad whoever wrote this dialogue recognized this.

I chose the "I have someone else to live for" one here, because I felt that Gale, at this point, really found that special someone, be it a friend or lover, to live for. It's gut-wrenching that he needed someone to keep him alive in the first place, but this is what having an abusive ex does to you.

But the other choices here? All of them fair. She absolutely had no right to ask that of him, no matter the crime, that's just a fucked up thing to expect.

Being afraid to die? Valid, this shouldn't be put up to question.

Two last ones? Pure gold. I treat the fourth one as a direct jab at her own teachings, on how all magic needs to be preserved and studied? It's like him saying "Hey, I did what you expected and now your mad?".

The very last one is poetic justice. "I owe you nothing." and if that were me this would be the absolute end of this discussion. Mic drop, I'm out of here.

And okay, I did take he self-pity route with "I let you down." here becuase this is what I believe is closest to how "canon" Gale feels about this. That's the most heartbreaking thing about it, that he believes he was not worth enough before and is even less now and doesn't deserve love, of any kind.

What are the other options? Well, all in character and each seems like a valid way for Gale to feel. But me, the player, who is fortunate to know some meta knowledge? Oh boy.

"I was a danger to you." No you weren't. She is the goddess of magic, one of the most powerful out here. She is magic. All you could do is make her day worse.

"I disobeyed you." Yeah, you did. And she sentenced you to a slow death for it.

"You were threatened." Eh, not really. But what comes after that statement? "You realised you couldn't control me."? Yes, that is the only thing she felt threatened about - loosing control.

"Our relationship bored you. The orb was just an excuse to end it." I mean... maybe? Not enough is known about it but seeing how all reincarnations of Mystra are fickle lovers at best I would say it's a possibility. Even if it is just his ego speaking here - damn, what a way to end a relationship.

She has the audacity to tell him "he only thought of himself". Pot calling the kettle much?

Oooh, but I love what we can say here. The amout of vicious call outs here is superb.

We get to call out how much of a control freak she is. Then we can say how out of place was her punishment. Because I feel like it was a fucking equivalent of throwing a child into a dark cellar for breaking your favorite cup, while all they wanted to do was wash it for you. That is how imbalanced this whole thing is and I'm not taking criticism on that.

We also get to straight up ask what was the lesson if she never let him know what he really did and left him without means to make things right?

Then my favorite. Straight up ask her how many lives was she willing to sacrifice to get rid of the problem?

And last but not least - call her out on her lies. That's what she did. Why? I don't know. Was she afraid? Possibly, because the Karsite Weave + Crown of Karsus combo could potentially threaten her. Potentially, because as we saw in one of the Gale endings, she has no problem with just getting rid of a newly ascended god wielding them. That leads me to believe she is not afraid of loosing power as much as just being rivaled with. The indignity she has to suffer, truly.

Hit a nail on the head here. Who cares about mortals, if they live or die and in how many droves? Competition comes knocking, so all gloves are off. And that is what I believe to be the crux of the matter. Mystra wants to remove the Absolute (because that's the new upstart god breaking the status quo), the orb containing he rival Weave, the Crown which threatens her rule over magic all in one swoop. Oh, and that one guy who tries too hard and refuses to die. No biggie. Who cares, she has a line of followers who would replace her Chosen at any given time.

I'm a salty bitch over the fact we can't keep the Crown of Karsus, but instead of using it - just hide it away again. Stablize Gale's Karsite Weave and keep that thing around, hidden away. Let her sweat over the idea someone else might find it one day and rival her rule.

I know I'm way too emotional about it, but like I said, it's very personal - I been there, done that, and never recovered in full after it. I'll die defending anyone and any pixels who are struggling with their self-worth and trying to get over an emotionally abusive relationships.

"Be the better person, die saving the world and I'll 'forgive' you." Fuck. You.

And a bonus, for those of you who stuck around till the end, because I was totally naming the screens and yelling at my monitor while doing this.

[leslie057]

penbleed;

pairings: jonathan/nancy

rating: light teen (swearing + mild sex references)

word count: 2.4k (chapter 1)

read on ao3

@jancyweeks day 1: history - her diary as a personal history + a bonus history test incident

𝒩𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓂𝒷𝑒𝓇 16, 1984

—

𝑀𝓎 𝓆𝓊𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝒾𝓈 𝒽𝑜𝓌. Actually, how do you forget an exam? Actually. How did I forget? And it’s not even that I forgot, it’s that I never knew. I am still so mad but not as mad as I was. Genuinely have no clue why we were not given verbal reminders for that history test. That stupid little secret of a test, that fucking sub rosa fucking social experiment of a thing to see who looks at her minuscule writing under the date on the board every day! Just tell us. Need it. Out loud. This is crazy arrogant and borderline disgusting of me to say, but she doesn't have a better student than me and I deserved better. It was like a setup. Of course I was taking notes, of course I was listening, of course a lot of it was prior knowledge. It’s the history of America and I’m not an idiot. I just thought a test would be coming up after the break, not before.

I mean it’s all been worked out now, though. 

But it makes me upset, because where was my head? No, I know where it was, my head was here with me. I was simply using it for its escape function. Wild how my ears can be turned on, and my pen will be going and going and going in perfect time with the lesson, but mentally I’m reliving whatever I want to relive. Or don’t want to relive. I’ve been like this since last year. Stuck inside my skull and cannot climb out. Don’t wanna climb out because sometimes I need to be there, it’s nice in there. Sometimes not nice. I brought this up to Jonathan, he said yes he does understand. Shocker. The difference is he’s been in his head for the last sixteen years, and he doesn’t continually think all the awful things that I think. He’s good and decent and he’s sweet and he’s built a strange, adorable habitat up there for song lyrics and checklists and worries. He does so much in one day. I don’t love his work schedule. Working on Friday nights, God. Then at home he does, like, budgeting and reads their bills and shit? I wouldn’t have time to steep in hate for Mrs. Kincannon, either. (He doesn’t hate her. That’s me.) Not that he’s dealing with his trauma or whatever, our trauma, I don’t know, he isn’t. Still, because his many responsibilities burn up the majority of his mental energy, he doesn’t seem to follow the spirals I follow. At least not when the sun's out. He’s a dramatic pessimist, my dramatic pessimist, oh that was fun to write, but I would assume his internal voice has more of a filter mechanism than mine. Could be a self-preservation thing. 

Who knows. But, yeah, neurogymnastics. Neurogymnastics to get me through my day. Each week is a series of extreme highs and extreme lows, lows that I just administer my fantasies to until something new happens. It’s good in the moment. Later I realize that I’ve missed things, spaced out, fell short, and I get all guilty. I feel hypocritical. I’ve fought for my life, why am I not training myself to live it well again. I’m rushing through things because they’re hard. I want to be successful, and this is not the path to success. The pressure is off me and yet all over me. Maybe I shouldn’t care about school, knowing what I know about the flimsiness of this dimension’s edges. Sounds clinically insane. Not ever going to be sure what to do with the fact that I’ve seen a parallel plane, that I was really there. I wish I didn’t care about school. I do care less about it than I did freshman and sophomore year. My grades are forever important to me, but there’s currently a big disconnect between my habits and my academic goals. When I’m at school, I fantasize about it being over. When I’ve set aside time to work, I can’t get through it and I go to my boyfriend. Maybe I am a bad student. Right now. I am. Hard to care about history since I’ve got a lot I would rather focus on. So, right, there are a lot of coercive acts I could be learning about if my teacher calmed down and gave me free time to coerce him. Sorry. 

I cannot stop thinking about what I was able to 

How he knew about the test is beyond me. He’s missed more days, he’s had more distractions, he’s more susceptible to distractions, and to top everything off he’s on possession watch. You know, just making those frequent check-ins with Will. I don’t know what that would look like. I guess you just ask him how he’s feeling, try to gauge the honesty. I would never ever say this but it seems likely to me that Will is still being…communicated with. Accessed. Scary sounds in his ears or something. Sensations. It’s not like he’d say anything! He’s like this meek little mouse, he could actively be experiencing organ rupture and wouldn’t make a sound. This is terrible, but being at their house does scare me every now and then. In a ticking time bomb sort of way. Is their family not kind of cursed? Then I get kissed and forget where I am anyway, so nothing matters. No complaints overall, it is a very nice place for a slumber party. 

My reaction last night was the most embarrassing. How I went from zero to a hundred that fast, how we went from squeaky bed springs and my proposed hickey competition (hate that this is in writing now, but context needed—also I was in a competitive mood yesterday) (he was not) to me whining and crying and essentially hyperventilating because I didn’t understand why he would mention a test when we didn’t have a test. I hate my emotions being played with and all of that bullshit. For some reason I’ve always been on the receiving end of that haven’t I? With boys in our class. Middle school, junior high, that kind of timeframe. At one point I could have convinced myself I was being flirted with. It’s a no, because “all statements.” All pines are conifers, but not all conifers are pines. So all interested boys will tease, but not all the boys that tease are interested. They really were just that eager to let me know my body wasn’t up to par for our age bracket. Pal, are we not eleven and twelve. I cannot be Catwoman for you.

I’m told I’m pretty now, so I’ll count it as a win. 

Anyway, Jonathan was not playing with my emotions, and we did have a test. We did. When my panic set in, it was bad. The pressure was building up in my chest, I thought I was in danger of dry drowning. My GPA is literally the only thing I ever feel in control of. In my arms were two options, have an absolutely miserable fucking Thursday night or risk baby’s first F on her transcript. But then he just looked at me, calm as ever, and said, “Why can’t you ask for an extension? I want you to ask her for an extension, okay?” Which I should have come up with on my own. I don’t know why, but hearing him say that was like. Insane. Made everything feel lighter, light as a feather. He doesn’t do this for himself, but for me—he zooms out, he figures out a way to make things less daunting. He can be so positive when it's a problem of mine on the table instead of his, and I'm like who are you, I love you. I usually have no problem cheating systems, swinging things in a way that's better for me, but requesting an extension? My pride lies in academics, I'm aware of that, I don’t often ask for help there. Want to accomplish things without accommodations being made for me. Meanwhile, school stuff is some of the only stuff Jonathan is willing to seek out help with. He has to. He can't afford to not get help. Not like he can spend an entire evening on one little section of an assignment when he needs to be clocked in at work for five hours. In conclusion, he talks to our instructors more than our peers. I have to respect a teacher's pet.

So, I took his advice. However tricky extensions may be. Kincannon is also tricky. Her iron will and everything. You’re not gonna get one if you always ask. You’re not gonna get one if you haven’t already established yourself as a trustworthy kid. You’re not gonna get one for being an athlete. I wasn’t convinced of the plan at first since she dress coded my mid-thigh skirt last week and had to tell me, on a few occasions, to stop chatting with/distracting my boyfriend. Him being in the picture was so in my favor, though, because he seriously might be her favorite. Personally I wanna say it’s gross; it makes her feel good about herself to cosset sensitive, troubled teens that she wouldn’t give a shit about otherwise. Like, you’re not his mommy, but I’m way off topic. 

We got up incredibly early this morning. We made her a tiny consolation coffee with cream and cinnamon, pulled up at 6:25 I want to say it was? And the conversation was ace. He had messed up my hair a little to hint at a sleepless night, coached me on how to look pitiful when we were in the car. I really hope I didn’t mishear him mumble something about puppy eyes. He was very tired. I stayed as honest as possible, that’s what he wanted from me. I told her I was having a rough time, that grief keeps getting in my way of things. I talked to her about my selective hearing issue. I said I’m an oral learner, I needed verbal reminders, and I said school means so much to me. Hesitantly I pointed out that Jonathan and I are still getting used to our new relationship, and maybe if our assigned seats were adjacent I wouldn't have to get up to talk to him. She was slightly passive-aggressive, but she was understanding. Then I found out I would be testing Monday. New test, just for me. There was something so ridiculous and fun about sitting in class this morning, reading while everyone else suffered. After, I couldn’t stop apologizing to Jonathan for freaking out. He said I didn’t freak out, I reacted, and he suggested I go easier on myself. That distinction felt huge, really huge. 

Right now, I'm desperate to preserve that feeling of lightness, but I’m mad at myself and furious in general. In hindsight I should have savored being comforted a little more, but I was busy having half a meltdown. I’m sure I’ll get to hear one of those soft pep talks the next time something doesn’t go my way. I have so much studying to do, especially since my Special Nancy Test is all writing. I’ve got it, though. I’m fine. Angry but also happy and fine. This will never happen again. I won’t let it happen again.

—

“Uh oh,” Jonathan suddenly murmurs to himself on her bed. 

She swivels at her small desk, not fully ready to turn her attention away from her entry. “Hmm?”

“Sorry, no, you can keep writing.” 

“But why uh oh?”

There's his gentle huff, his eyes flicking upward in annoyance. He holds a necklace she'd tasked him with untangling using tweezers. Its old, delicate chain was in no less than six billion knots. Somehow he’s the only one in the world who has the patience for this. She sure as hell doesn't have the patience for it. "I'm scared I'm about to break it." 

“Break it? Please don’t Jonathan,” she begs on impulse.

“It’s just really far gone. I’m trying.”

And he is. He’s been sitting quietly for as long as she’s been writing. So—long time. She sort of forgot about him over there. “Sorry, I know, I know you are," she says.

He’s silent. 

“You’ve been cleaning up a lot of my messes lately, huh?”

She flips over her journal, nudges it away from the table’s edge, and approaches him. From her desk she couldn’t see the glow of afternoon sunlight streaming onto her quilt. Very pretty. Her personal jewelry surgeon sits there in the middle, equally pretty, possibly feeling neglected. He’s gone the full nine yards here. Pushed up his sweater sleeves, swiped her reading glasses, set out a few safety pins and needles as his supplementary tools. He looks sleepy, the brown of his eyes lighter in the path of the sun. 

Her arms are behind her back until they’re not, and she crawls on top of him. He absently places the necklace on her flattest throw pillow. 

“I said you’re fixing a lot of my messes.”

“I mean…not really.” He’s blushing already, hands awkwardly grasping for purchase at her hips so that he won't get pressed back too hard into the poles of her bed frame's headboard. “If I am, I don’t mind.”

Her lips cushion against this little spot on his jaw that’s so sensitive it kills him, sucking carefully. The action might have the same effect on her that it does him; her heart jumps, swings wide, threatens to capsize in the wet of her chest. It’s that familiar adrenaline response, the uncontrollable energy spike she always gets alongside the realization of oh, we’re touching! She sighs into his skin, and he shudders, a pathetic sound of bliss escaping his throat.

“Okay, well don't start drooling,” she quips. Kisses his pulse point, spittily.

He mumbles something unintelligible, so she keeps on keeping on, shifting her weight back and forth, trying to make the most of the time they have and get some good play in while she can. She’ll have to kick him out soon. She’ll have to study in complete isolation. She dips back, and he follows, she leans forward, and he pulls her closer. “Said I need an extension,” he manages, repeating what she didn’t catch.

“What?”

“If you’re gonna do all this, I need an extension on my necklace project.”

Well, that is definitely going in the diary. 

[aloyxtilda]

What do you think made Lis and Tilda break up? Did Tilda steal something (prior to attempting to steal GAIA), or do something else unsavory? And if she did, why would she risk losing Lis over something like that considering how much she loved her? Or was it Lis who just decided she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore because it was distracting or too much work to learn how to give so much of her attention and time to Tilda? I'm curious about other people's ideas regarding this because I can't think of anything that would explain to me in a satisfactory way what went wrong and why. :D

I love this question, and I think of it often. My theory on this is that Tilda was already with the Zeniths before she met Lis. There may have been a reason Tilda was investigating Lis, so to speak. She was a data broker, and there may have been something Tilda was hired by the Zeniths to obtain.

Perhaps hired by the original founder of Zenith, Peter. He was obsessed with immortality and transhumanism. Maybe Elizabet was working on something he wanted. Something secret that not even we know of yet. A lot of data pads tell us about the zeniths facination with transhumanism.

A hint is where Tilda says Elizabet had trouble accepting her mother's death. She even calls Lis a mad scientist. What if (and this is a big if) Lis worked on some form of transhumanism in order to preserve her mother's consciousness in some way? And the zeniths wanted this tech.

Now, here is Tilda, beautiful, smart, and available for hire. She talks about being recruited by the zeniths back when they were a think tank. That was way before the Faro plague. The time Peter was the head. Tilda may have attempted to get close to Lis to steal this data, but instead, she fell deeply and madly, obsessively in love with Lis.

Lis, however, she was the one to show that love first. Tilda points that out at the breakfast. I think they both were fascinated and taken by each other. Realized they were a lot alike. Tilda's feelings opened after Lis began to show interest in Tilda. So we know from that Lis was honestly in love with Tilda. She also knew who and what Tilda was. This impressed the data broker.

Fast forward to the end of days. I think Elizabet knew what Tilda may have wanted all along but didn't care. They fell in love with each other. Maybe even talked about this. But I think Lis never fell out of love for Tilda. I think as time went on, Lis got more involved in her work. She may have felt she couldn't have a normal love life. Tilda may have wanted more. A family. While Lis felt a duty in herself to save the world with her knowledge and tech. I think she wanted the family Tilda wanted. A daughter with her. A happy life. But maybe she didn't want to raise a daughter in a world that was dying. It was dying before the Faro plague.

To know Lis, we simply have to look at Aloy. Aloy isn't living her happy life with someone she loves because she doesn't want to. We see she wants that. But she doesn't feel through most of the story that she can have that. Until she meets Tilda and learns about Lis, then meets Seyka. When Aloy asks what Lis was like, Tilda says she's like Lis and so much more.

So, I think in all this, we will learn more. There are obviously more secrets to Lis and even to Tilda. Their relationship may be kept secret for many reasons. I think we will learn more about them. And I also believe neither of them are dead. Because transhumanism seems to be the big secret behind all this. Especially in the data pads. Something here is brewing. We may learn Lis never died. Somehow, she preserved herself. And, maybe Tilda too. Not just through a failed experiment that the Odyssey Zeniths did with Nemesis, but through another way that Lis created.

But their love was strong and special. That I believe. Thanks for asking Jane! I always love talking Tilda and Lis with you.

[refigiowen]

Untitled Project (Scrapped): Scene 12

Context: The Vessel had made it's way into the capital, Mossley, and was on it's way to the Academy of Mossley. On it's way it encounters a mad scholar by the name of Ajax who, like many of the scholars of the academy, is infected with Pantomania.

"A-Ah, greetings, traveller carrying the Struggle and Despair... No, greetings, Struggle and Despair."

The man is tightly holding onto his head, as if it is about to errupt. Fluids seem to be leaking from his eyes, ears, and cracks on his head.

"I-I am Ajax, a scholar of the Academy of Mossley and a follower of The Second.

A-Ah, The Second.. Lord Of Knowledge And Wisdom, yes. Curse you, i say...

Why must you hold such a grudge towards us humans, oh lords? What can we do about our core being, we apologize for who we are!"

The man sobs, holding his head together tighter.

"The Lords stood for eternity and the stagnation of all beings as they currently are - believing that preserving what is now will stop any change from ruining the perfect now. And so they came into this world, tamed the storm and took us under their graceful wings. And in return we worshipped them, though, they cared little about our worship of them. They cared only about our preservation and the preservation of their perfect, never changing world.

At some point, The Second began to seek the knowledge of this world. I still remember gazing upon him for the first time. His head knew no boundaries, so did his mind. He had a large, sun like, formless light for a head and was dressed in a yellow cape that hid his skeletal body.

He never interacted with us scholars directly, but would seek and absorb the knowledge we gathered to feed his never ending hunger for knowledge.

We saw him as our guidance, our mentor, but he spoke not one word to us. We were merely food for him."

The man lets out an agonizing scream, sounds of cracking coming from his head.

"GRAH! When Odium came the Lords understood fully what humans were. They were beings of change, not stagnation, they were meant to change lest they would die and rot. So they began to HATE us.. us who gave them nothing but our love and admiration, US who served our lives worshipping them just to be CURSED. The Second cursed those who seek knowledge with a disease. One that would pull them deeper, deeper and deeper into the need for knowledge... until their mind BREAKS.

And the youngest... cursed us with eternal hope.. and an allergy towards change, he planted a parasite within our minds.. one that Odium now has to forcefully remove.."

The man begins to scream in agony.

"KILL THE PONTIFF, BURN THE CHURCHES, LET OLD WOUNDS BLEED ONCE MORE!"

The man desperately tries to keep his head from errupting, yelling his final words into the sky.

"LET THE WATERS KISS AND TRASMUTATE THESE LEADEN GRUDGES INTO GOLD!!

FORGIVE US, FOR WE ARE THE FLOWING RIVER NOT THE STAGNANT WATERS. I AWAIT YOU AT THE GATES OF HELL."

His head errupts, for a moment the same sun like light that The Second was known for would be where Ajax's head once was. He raises his arms to the sky, the light emitting a sound that one could interpret as a cackle, before vanishing and the headless corpse of Ajax collapsing to the ground.

[letstrythisout4]

Malfoy's post-war

HP Masterlist

Here is a follow up post with some clarification:

My thoughts:

Narcissa’s betrayal, she looked Voldemort in the eyes and lied, for her son, she could have died, she risked her life her family's life, just to have information on whether or not Draco is alive…even if she wholeheartedly believes in blood supremacy she isn't willing to put it above her son. …that leaves a lot of room for growth and I need more fanfiction writers to take advantage of that.

I like to believe that the same applies to Lucius - that while he definitely has been a blood supremacist for sure that's explicit in canon. But again his son opens room for their growth. 

So does you know… the literal WAR they lived through.

You can not convince me that seeing their son suffer in the name of blood supremacy didn’t shake their beliefs. They aren’t like Bellatrix who is wholeheartedly devoted. They have a child whom they love and spoil, that they raised and I feel like one of the main themes of harry potter is the love between parent and child and how it can lead to betterment and protection. So why the hell can’t that apply to the Malfoys. They threw everything away when Narcissa chose to lie to Voldemort. Because, in my mind, the fact that she lied is enough to get her out of facing legal action (aka AZKABAN). Which would likely be public knowledge (either the Ministry leaking that enough or someone leaking it themselves) which would destroy their image in the eyes of those who were entirely devoted to Voldemort. Now that doesn’t mean they lose all social standing no no no no, let's not forget that self-preservation is a common slytherin trait. Lets not also forget that the Malfoys…are rich. And (I imagine) have their hands in everything from businesses to politics. (I imagine) That trying to cut out the Malfoys from pureblood society would be like them literally shooting themselves in the foot ESPECIALLY SINCE POST-WAR HALF OF THAT PUREBLOOD GENERATION IS GONNA BE AZKABAN. No no no, I think the Malfoys are going to gain even more social standing as they are probably going to be one of the few pureblood families that make it out of the war without being killed or sent to Azkaban (in case it isn't clear I don’t think they’ll get sent to Azkaban because of Narcissa and Draco’s actions that aided Harry… also, money). If anything I could see them taking advantage of the post-war madness to get into the good graces of people on both sides of the war. The Malfoys (again) are rich. (In my mind) they are so rich, that it is totally plausible for them to remain as one of the richest pureblood families (the Zabini’s are up there to) even though they will likely be fined heavily by the Minister for like…reparations from their part in the war (idk what to call it by yk what I mean). I could see them using their wealth to aid those who fought in the war and desperately needed money, with the promise of no alternative motives and tones of genuine remorse for their actions. Partially because they are horrified by how bad the war got, how involved Draco got but also because you know…providing financial aid when you aren’t required to…isn't a bad thing for your public image. I DON’T KNOW I DON'T KNOW maybe I’m just yapping but that's what I think the actions of the Malfoy Family post war would be.

Authors notes: this chapter was fun. from now on updates are going to be slow but im going to do my best to upload at least 2 times a week so yeah.

[larsisfrommars]

The Night of The Murderous Spring Is So JUICY!

I think I need to talk about how insanely gay this episode of Wild Wild West is or I might EXPLODE. I know a lot of us who already watch the show knew this episode was ridiculous in the gay subtext department but I feel compelled to go in-depth about putting it into words.

Let’s not even dig into the fact that before drugging Jim Dr. Loveless proudly proclaims that he will make James West “kill the thing he loves” and was referring to Artemus when he said that! That’s already wild enough as it is.

For me like, through a shipping/gay subtext lense, I could already tell Artie was into Jim. There is a mountain of evidence to interpret their relationship that way at least on Gordon’s end. For West it was a little more sparse until and especially THIS episode. Which confirmed for me as relatively new to this show and fandom “ohhhh!! He really DOES reciprocate whatever ambiguously gay mess is happening here!”

The version of Artemus that Jim subconsciously conjures up for himself is so interesting. And of course, it appears to him when he’s in desperate need of comfort, of a rock to cling to, but can find none. So his hallucinating brain projects what he NEEDS most, not some lovely young lady (familiar or otherwise) to tell him everything is alright, but Artemus to take care of him. He WANTS to be taken care of and comforted by Artemus and no one else. I’m not crying YOU are crying!

His version of Artemus is pretty close to the real deal but there’s something… softer about this projected version. He’s not completely different, I wouldn’t even say out-of-character. But he is gentler, more patient and forgiving, and very much there to play guardian angel for Jim. All of his positive traits are exaggerated in Jim’s eyes, like hes always seeing the guy through rose colored glasses.

I say this because part of why I got a bit suspicious of this version of Artie was him being way too calm and forgiving when Jim starts being aggressive towards him due to the drug. Yeah Artie loves Jim but like, he’s got his own sense of self-preservation, intelligence, and a bit of a temper. I was expecting a joke or some sternness or something, hell maybe taking Jim’s gun from him. But of course he doesn’t and he can’t, because he’s not real and he’s there to comfort. Jim can’t be thrown off the course that’ll lead him to killing Artie by his hallucination’s own intervention. He’s himself but oh so slightly off.

Another thing was something that “Artie” said that didn’t actually make a lot of sense compared to the rest of established canon when Jim first starts getting temperamental. “Hey it’s me remember? Artemus Gordon? Mrs. Gordon’s son.” Now I know there’s probably some throwaway Doylist explanation for this, but the Watsonian in me prevails.

Artie never brings up either of his parents before this or ever again to my knowledge. Jim only mentions family once in a previous Dr. Loveless episode. It’s the kind of thing you’d say to someone where you’d known each other your whole lives, implying Jim would somehow know his mother. Now unless I’m mistaken they met each other in the military as adults. Which means Jim’s subconscious emotions have made him feel as though Artie’s known him his whole life. Which is some soulmate sounding mess if I ever heard it.

Then there is the crescendo of this madness where Jim shoots the illusionary Artemus in cold blood. Which is easily some of the most heartbreaking acting in the series. I have watched it a normal amount of times (lying)!! Dying “Artie” looks confused and betrayed but he STILL reaches out to Jim like he like wants Jim to know that it’s okay?! OUCH. Then of course there’s the little “why?” before he dies that pushes Jim over the edge.

Jim completely flies off the handle after Artemus’s apparent death. Careening through the street, threatening the hotel staff, trying to get himself arrested for murdering Artie. I don’t know whether it was a side effect of how much hallucinogen he ingested or what. He straight up faints like some tragic Victorian protagonist after returning to his room, overwhelmed by the evil that he has seemingly done.

When he comes back around he is not at all acting like the Jim we know and love. It’s almost like he wants Loveless to kill him with the way he goads the guy. He’s despondent and jaded and being reckless with his own life. He only snaps back to normal when he discovers Artie is in fact alive and well. Which is such a beautifully loaded reunion. He responds to Jim’s unusual tenderness with a sassy joke (which is of course how we know this one is real). It feels very akin to the Kirk and Spock reunion at the end of Amok Time.

I also think it’s worth noting that I think the first time I ever heard James West utter the words “Artie! Help me!” when he’s trying to prevent the ducks carrying the murder-LSD from being released (this episode is NUTS). Which you know in light of the events of this episode is a big step in Jim being a bit more vulnerable as a character. So there is THAT too.

Hey, and maybe it’s just me, but whether it was deliberate or not, something changed about the whole tone of the show after this particular episode. It felt like the showrunners were slowly having it dawn on them the show is at its strongest when it plays off of the bond shared by these two characters. This episode along a few other gems from season one seem to have clinched it. I noticed in season two so far they’re using Artie and Jim’s relationship as a support beam where it was more of a flexible suggestion before. Which has ✨implications✨ whether you interpret the relationship as gay or not. The events of this episode cracked Jim West’s very hard shell, and made these two characters closer than before.

[fumifooms]

The core of Fullmetal Alchemist: All is one and Dwarf in the flask

Dwarf in a bottle is in my top 5 favorite FMA characters. No, not Father, that emotionless bland white bread empty husk, Dwarf, the whole. The sort of ball of void, the existential anomaly, so inhumanely human full with sins and individuality.

Fullmetal Alchemist is about willpower. About determination, about pursuing your goals without relenting. It is also about humility and about knowledge.

That is reflected in both the protagonist and the villain, though it is a theme common in most characters.  Both Edward and Dwarf in a bottle pursue their goals with great determination and will. Then, what is good with the manner of one and wrong with the other’s?

I believe a lot of it is about the very concept Dwarf symbolizes. Dwarf in the flask is artificiality.

An alchemy-made life. An artificial family. An artificial pursuit of knowledge and power, without caring about the journey of self-betterment that comes along with it, without caring to understand alchemy and its place in the world. Not only an artifical physical being, but also artificial emotionally; ripping apart his feelings and personality traits deemed negative to make himself into a “superior” being.

I think it’s also worth noting that yes, purging sins out of himself makes him lose those traits, even feelings. Then, if not greed, if not it all, what is pushing Father to pursue power? Greed said it himself: greed isn’t inherently bad, it’s the act of wanting. Father isn’t spiraling into a mad passion for alchemy, a pursuit of knowledge for innovation, or anything, he pursued his plan because he went through the motions, simply. As his feelings left him, all that stayed was the conviction without reasoning that since it was his plan before, he should see it to the end. Or perhaps it’s the course of action he logically came to. Perhaps alchemical enlightenment was deemed the obvious ultimate goal to have, without being interested in why it is or why it should be. Regardless, he lacks the passion and emotional intelligence to actually see the value in what he is doing, in alchemy, and ultimately that is what is punished.

I want to do a full dissection of the whole homunculus family, but I’m going to touch on some aspects of it here because it’s such an interesting topic to me. Disregarding Lust’s claim that homunculi are all individuals with a full range of emotions for a moment, I want to analyze what their traits mean in the angle that they fundamentally formed a whole all together as Father, or Dwarf in the flask.  The homunculus that is shown to be the most attached to his family members is Gluttony. The homunculus that is shown to be the most attached to relationships, in general, is Greed. Greed and Gluttony are then the homunculi, the traits, that care about people the most. And that makes sense, no? You don’t want to lose things you care about, you want to bathe in their love and their presence, and you want to keep having them for as long as you want, greed and gluttony aren’t unsimilar. Greed is interested in friendship and having companions, in possessing people’s hearts and loyalties, in making new connections and bonding with new faces. Gluttony is more interested in getting more of what he already has, more love in that way he already likes by the person he already loves, like wanting more of the familiar taste of its favorite meal. Other similar traits are pride and envy, the traits that affect your self-image. The feeling that you are remarkable and great and the feeling of wanting what others have or are, valuing yourself vs comparing yourself to others. By detaching parts of a whole, things get lost; Pride feels wholly superior but is ready to do anything to preserve himself including lowering himself to inferior beings going against his own code, while Envy only covers up his self-hatred and jealousy but would rather end himself before accepting to sully himself with the compassion of someone he looks down upon. Pride makes one value self-preservation, while envy is self-destructive by nature, perhaps. It is interesting that both feel prideful, yet Pride doesn’t reflect the fact that as part of a whole it also felt shame and low self-esteem, otherized, and Envy doesn’t reflect that Dwarf actually feels pride over traits they possess, as well. The truth is that these things coexisted in the one being that was Dwarf. Fragmented as they are, they only tell an uncomplete and incoherent story, like a puzzle. It’s ironic that maybe together, all these sins balance each other out to become healthier, less dysfunctional. Like a family, they can offer counterbalance to a trait when it becomes too central to the individual, offer support through their grounding presence. Someone slothful may feel unmotivated without greed to give them goals, pride without envy will make you stop striving to better yourself and envy without pride will give you self-loathing.

An analysis of Dwarf isn’t complicated to do: it was a being brought about by scholars and complex alchemy, enslaved, and it wished to get the power to free itself and become an individual equal/superior to everyone else. Unable to become physically and fundamentally human, he attempted to become a proxy, close enough to it; making a family, gaining a human form, etc. It ultimately wished to pursue superiority through alchemical power and knowledge when he found the result lacking, when it still didn’t feel human, couldn’t connect with others, still felt fundamentally different, like his place in the universe was somewhere else, like striving for that higher calling would solve it. Blinded by lust to find belonging, wether it be in a place or in a role, it pushed itself to extremes of alchemy in the hope it will all make sense once he gets there. Ultimately futile, as he will end up feeling betrayed and abandoned by Truth itself, not able to rise up to its own expectations once more: because there’s no magic able to make one feel whole. He seeked to sculpt himself into a perfect being, one that could be anything and do anything, one that couldn’t be reproached, if not by humans, then the world itself would confirm and showcase his objective superiority for all to see.

Much like with Shou Tucker, this pursuit for knowledge and power is all for external factors, there is no inner fuel for it besides pride, shame, desperate want that was displaced onto alchemy instead of the self-introspection that alchemy promotes and necessitates. Dwarf ended up missing what was right under his nose, and subsequently failed the test of Truth and lost everything. What he was working towards ultimately meant nothing, not to anyone and not even to himself.

Edward was able to face Truth right because he took the time to understand, learned to not abuse it, reflected on what it all meant, on the place of things in the universe. That is terrifying for Dwarf, who is terrified he may simply have no place in it, but it is nonetheless essential. The other homunculi are proof enough: Greed had friends, was accepted in the friend group of our heroes as a trustworthy and dependable person, Ling would have preferred him to stay with him forever instead of leaving. Selim gets a second chance at life with someone who has loved him with all her heart… Which is the most confusing part of FMA I have no idea how he didn’t die ngl but I’m glad for the precious lil guy~ Even Lust and Gluttony found companionship and care in being together.

Dwarf has always had a place. He simply refused to philosophizes, and alchemists are ultimately philosophers. Not thinking power through, not analyzing it, is what leads to corrupt military states. Dwarf wanted to be recognized and accepted by god and the world itself, by showing himself worthy of it and demanding it, but he was the one who rejected the nature of the world first:

One is all, all is one.

He is the very embodiment of refusing that. Dwarf always had a place in the world, artificial anomaly as he was. Perhaps Dwarf wasn’t meant to be part of this all or this one initially, not created by the world, but. Dwarf seeked to become both all and none at once. He was born artificial, but never cared to learn the rules of nature and accept the limits of the world, seeking to destroy and warp them; he was the one that desired to make himself even more distinct from the world and label himself as a perfect, artificial being. Rejecting individuality to become some empty looking glass was the mistake Edward Elric didn’t make, growing to find the value in every type of life and finding the strength to keep going through every horror of the world. Dwarf’s folly was thinking that he was separate from the rest of existence.

The philosophical dimension to the value of gold or philosopher’s stones are the important part of alchemy, power isn’t what you achieve enlightenment through. May your pursuit of knowledge be wise and your resolve aim true.

–+–+–+–+–+–+–

I recommend this analysis by another tumblr user as complementary reading!! It goes over way more than I did and encompasses more of fma than this post, I just wanted to focus on a fraction of the themes and narrative that I found summed up the story’s key points well… Idk idk I’m a humble Dwarf enjoyer I don’t want to come across as pretentious 🙇 I can only hope this was a nice read. If you don’t remember the ending of the manga/brotherhood well I imagine this being very confusing, I should do something about that

[sisterdivinium]

It’s the questions that keep us going, that taunt us so we’ll come back again and again, whether we’re given any “definitive” answers which we might each interpret differently or left to wonder and imagine possibilities all on our own.

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this, warrior nun.” Doesn’t this line invite us to ask who Adriel might be talking to, exactly?

Of course Ava currently occupies the rank of warrior nun that gives the show its name… But we also know Ava is not a nun and that her qualification as a warrior is recent (setting aside the psychological fortitude she surely possesses as a survivor of the traumas that have shaped her past, to be sure). Even from his prison, Adriel was aware of the happenings in the outside world, be it from his connection to the divinium once used in his armour, be it thanks to informants such as Vincent in whatever modes of communication they might have had between them — so Adriel knows this, he knows of how unconventional it is for Ava to be the warrior nun. Isn’t it possible that, in this moment, he’s not talking to her, at least not as Ava Silva, the individual?

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this, warrior nun.” Only a couple of months have elapsed since Adriel has been freed of his tomb and made Ava’s direct acquaintance. Why would he make a reference to the millennium spent beneath the Vatican to her while calling her by her title rather than her name? It certainly cannot be a mention of those two months, as those are negligible in the conscience of an immortal being who has already waited a thousand years for reckoning.

He isn’t hinting at a vengeance against Ava Silva, as herself, even if she is the one standing in front of him in flesh and blood; he’s orchestrating a vengeance against “the warrior nun”, the abstract class of those responsible for his captivity in the first place.

It’s hard to say he necessarily sees Areala in Ava when he says “warrior nun”. Perhaps so, perhaps not. But he does seem to see in the current halo bearer an avatar of someone (or multiple “someones”) he intends to defeat, the echoes of the past embodied in a single woman, a vessel through which their voices may yet ring after they are long gone. Perhaps he can see more than any of us can — just as he sees the wraith demons and passes the ability on to Lilith, might it not be possible for him to see something else when he looks at Ava or, at least, in the direction of the halo?

Could the halo, as once suggested to me by @ghostofcatscradle, carry some of its previous bearers’ “essence” — providing one explanation to Ava’s “meetings” with Shannon or Areala in season one — preserving some portion of them even as it inhabits another woman’s flesh? Could that be readily visible to a being of Adriel’s species and provenance, as the wraiths are?

Or could he think he saw something? Adriel is posed as a much more powerful creature than a human, with much more knowledge at his disposal. He mentions how no human can carry the halo for long before becoming somehow twisted — but what if there is truth in the reversed idea as well and his own long stay on Earth has warped him? Sometimes we find that those deemed “mad” are the most lucid, but would it be such a strange inversion to consider that this amazing being who boasts of his greater lucidity might be the greatest madman himself? He barely attempts to solve the contradictions so clear to Ava when she points out how his discourse of wanting to save the world from Reya's oppression is unaligned with his own forceful, violent methods of combat which cause suffering to the same creatures he claims to champion. Perhaps he comes from a pre- or post- logic realm. Perhaps he is insane. Maybe he is just a power-hungry sophist who will use whatever justification is at hand to legitimate his own selfish cause.

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this, warrior nun.” Vindication, yes, but in what form? At the end of season one, Adriel sought to seize the halo, yank it out of Ava and be done with it. In season two, he wants a fight instead of just trying to reach for it and accomplish his goals. Yes, his plans concerning Reya had just been spoiled… But if he had been “waiting a long time”, then this battle is not about what just happened in regards to Reya and the ark. It’s ancient, it’s personal. It’s not just the halo anymore — was it ever?

When Ava resurrects, is that the halo’s doing? When Mother Superion is brought back to life, is that the halo’s handiwork? Could it be sentient as some like to hypothesise it is? Or, as an object said to have been stolen from Reya, is it accomplishing her mysterious will by manifesting such powers? Or could it be that the equivalence between Reya and God made by Michael after a lifetime under the former’s spell is not as true as he was led to believe and there might be another, grander, perhaps even will-less entity pulling the strings?

Or could it be that the miracle is not divine, but Ava’s? Perhaps not even just hers, but something available only to humans, that Suzanne might carry as well, something that recognised her as it recognised Ava while she was brought back. There are no records of the halo resurrecting people…

… But it is said to give different bearers different powers. How or when does a bearer develop a new ability? Is there a limit to how many she can find and use? Might they not overlap sometimes?

Moreover, in an environment that firmly believes the halo is a weapon against its enemies, did anyone ever bother to ask whether it could do the opposite of slaughter, if it could be used for purposes unrelated to war against so-called Hell? It takes Jillian, an outsider to the Order, to voice that curiosity.

For each possibility listed above as far as who is behind performing miracles, what accompanying conclusions might there be?

The halo as a sentient object seems to open less interesting consequences than a world where a higher force has confusing aims or is truly neutral and both favours and hampers the living; or one where even common people, even “freaks”, as Ava calls herself more than once, are capable of miracles, of changing their world given the right support and tools.

We don’t actually need hard, official answers.

It’s the suggestions, the maybes, the could bes that really hook us in — is it any wonder that the more dedicated avatrice shippers are so focused on the potential for that time period spent in Switzerland, off-camera, which we did not witness?

The questions are inexhaustible — even with just eighteen total episodes, even when there was yet so much to see. If we can keep asking questions, if we see the beauty in them and how much more enticing they can be compared to a creator’s answers or incomplete plans (Mary taking vows and replacing Superion, really?!), we’ll have perhaps even more on our plates than another season would have given us. Which isn’t to say we shouldn’t mourn the loss of a continuation but merely to duly cherish what we have effectively received and give it its due attention.

It’s what’s left unsaid or unexplained, it’s what even creators might say isn’t set in stone and still open for debate (such as the halo being sentient or not); the blanks, the doubts and possibilities are where we come in with our understanding or our own stories. Why? How? What if?

Keep finding questions to ask... And Warrior Nun lives on.

[gregoftom]

“why did greg betray tom in the finale after batting for him all of season 4″ he didn’t. next question

longer answer: he didn’t bc betrayal implies he specifically did what he did to implicate tom in some way. if we look at characters’ motives in succ most of them are driven by self preservation. what can this do for me, how can this raise me higher, how can this save me, what can i use for leverage etc etc and fuck everybody else in the process. tg subvert this frequently, but a very important example of greg both surviving and avoiding pure selfishness/protecting tom is in the finale, and to ignore that is actually ignoring how different it was to his previous moves re: telling gerri. when he told gerri, and gerri approached tom, this was a situation that only involved tom so it was a direct “betrayal” so to speak. in the finale, greg did not give tom’s name to ken, despite knowing how juicy that morsel would be to him. he knows ken, he knows shiv, he knows the situation between them, he knows tom and shiv’s situation, he knows it all, and he knows that ken would love something he could use to undermine shiv just that little bit more. tom is the father of shiv’s child - ken knowing that tom is the pick for ceo would absolutely put greg in more favour with him because he could use that so much more. tom would be an excellent tool for ken to wield against his sister, not only bc it would shake her, but bc he could use him to forge a stronger alliance with her. previously he has said he’s got her back against tom, offered to kill him etc, so it would be a perfect opportunity to not just rattle her, but gain her loyalty by having a common enemy. greg knows this for sure, we’ve seen him directly go against shiv with ken in america decides yet he still did not mention tom in the finale. this tracks with his behaviour throughout season 4, where he has sang tom’s song, thrown others under the bus to protect tom’s name and redirect fire on him to others, taken care of tom’s basic needs etc. he made a mistake, and it’s been said many times that he’s a very fear based kind of guy. he was afraid. tom was being cagey, extremely shakey with phrases like “i think” and “castrated/decimated on pay”. he wasn’t showing any appreciation or knowledge for greg’s efforts because he was so blinded by his own attempts to secure greg, status, and the stress and absolute lack of sleep as well as ofc his unprocessed trauma of being with logan when he died, so greg’s natural response was to gravitate to someone who might be able to protect him, a blood relation, and the one who has been the nicest to him [which isn’t even saying that much lol] of all of them, and the one he hasn’t burned bridges with. it wasn’t a betrayal, it was a fear response, and his frustration and not being recognised for his efforts in taking care of tom probably was a part of his reaction to tom cuffing him over the head in the bathroom. FUCK you for getting mad at me, i know i fucked up but i’m trying to help you goddamnit! i’ve been helping you all this time! i love you you idiot!!!

[egittae]

Matthias was still pissed even as he woke up. Sure by the end of the night he had mostly composed himself but...he was still pissed, upset, and frankly, disappointed. Perhaps a different approach. His travel bag had contained only a few things, the weapons he was allowed to take, his clothes, and the logs he had kept for his own personal use. One was bound differently than the other and he had retrieved it from beneath the bed. It had been a gift from when he had first taken up his position of Margrave. Lambert had known he enjoyed recording things for himself and as if naming him a babysitter, he had the gal to ask for a journal all to himself. Of course he had obliged. From retellings of court meetings(and the utter chaos Lambert caused in them) to the military feats that had saved his life many times over. It had been put to the shelf after the northern campaign due to the state of the spine. Long since had it been filled...quite literally as pages that had been added in were threatening to burst. Knowledge was power after all. He had been quick in opening the door to the shared dorm. It wasn't hard to spot the mop of a head the man wore and with little grace, He had hurled the book at him, it firmly hitting his leg, some pages even flying up and falling to the floor. Just as soon as the door had opened, it closed shut and he was on his merry way to handle the rest of his plans for the day. Hope he enjoys reading his utterly ridiculous escapades.

bitch this is so long

(tw.: panic attack, emetopobia)

Naps fixed many things. This wasn’t one of them.

Yet at the same time, there was little to do about it at the moment- napping being the best option so far. He was tired, upset, his skin hurt from being under the sunlight even with protective ointments and he was almost positive that he might’ve been a little bit dehydrated earlier which only added to the fatigue. The moment his body reached his bed, suddenly the dingy, thin mattress felt like the most luxuriously comfortable bed and sleep was quick to take him.

Only to be awakened by something hitting his leg and a door closing, making the professor jolt awake believing it must have been some ambush. Except, azure pools found no weapon, no threat, only a worn out book laying by his leg. The spine was slightly busted resulting in some pages coming loose, resting on the floor. Sure, one of his roommates was a mage- Tormod, but Lambert highly doubted the man would treat his tomes with this carelessness.

And this was too small to be a magic tome, or any other type of book if he were to be honest- it seemed like a diary, instead.

“What in the heavens…” Lambert took a moment to sit up and rub his eyes, trying to make sure this wasn’t some bizarre dream and that he was indeed very much awake. With that confirmation- which only made him even more confused, Lambert reached out for the diary, holding it carefully as to try to preserve its form despite the spine while also taking a moment to retrieve the loose pages scattered around the floor- those being the first ones his eyes came to scan.

"i did not plan on coming back. the punishment of being suspended from fighting at the border is a mercy for what i did i don't understand why." "so dearly i wished to join my wife and child…sweet edith and sylvie…when i stood at death's edge the king dragged me back and held me as such that i felt it impossible to hide my sorrows. i suppose we sat for an hour like that covered in their blood and yet i felt relieved…for all i've lost there is more to gain" "i told him i did not feel my punishment enough and so as always the man outdid himself "fine then, take half your food storage and we'll deliver it to the sreng border tomorrow. you speak well enough to say sorry." even in tragedy he finds ways to further his own plans. i'd be mad were i not so enamored"

_____________“…may the goddess embrace them both. however as much as i understand the grief that has taken over you, my friend…we cannot afford to give in to death.”

“miklan does not need a death father, and gautier does not need a dead margrave. and i…do not need a dead friend.”

“war does not wait for one to mourn. but even if the world requires you to keep going with your chin up, i shall be there, by your side. always.”

Lambert let go of the paper before he could accidentally crush it as a particularly vivid memory flooded his brain. One where he stood before a broken man, drenched in blood, eyes burning with grief and from that day onwards, changed forever. It was more than obvious enough who that man was- and who he was grieving at that moment. And of course, the role he played within that situation. King.

It wasn’t even an assumption, it was written on the paper.

This was Matthias’ diary, or something similar.

It felt wrong to hold it- and even worse to read it seeing how he had no idea who would have thrown it at him. It could be someone trying to purposefully mess with Matthias by grabbing his intimate possessions and throwing them around to embarrass him, yes. Lambert didn’t wish to intrude on the man’s business like that.

Yet at the same time, with the way it was delivered to him…

Azure pools glanced over the multiple loose pages, picking on multiple bits of history. All tellings of Matthias’ own life and memories, but he could spot a couple of them mentioning the name ‘Lambert’ or talking about the said king. And for nearly all of them, it felt as if a small light somewhere in his mind flickered on. Faint, lone in the darkness, but sitting there. A series of torches weakly illuminating a handful of paths, not enough for a proper full view but just enough to perceive an outline to be followed.

One page caught his attention. It was mostly loose, yet still somehow holding on to the book’s broken spine, sitting lopsided in comparison to most of the others.

“the front was broken entirely by that beast. no matter how well composed a man, a beast capable of magic feats would unsettle most men. i had called for a retreat and most obliged without listening…but sreng still pursued.” “i cared not for the beast, my sights had been set on oleg and i made my way towards him under the cover of the snow that had been whipped up.” “it had set upon me just as i had grabbed the man. i wasn’t fearful and yet i had frozen as those claws had been aimed at me.” “my mind went blank and before i knew it my back was on the ground and i could only look up as the blood of my king spilt upon me and the last war cry oleg would ever conjure was let out.” “it seems he is intent on keeping me, the daft bastard. what king risks his life for a margrave….even worse what king would spend what he thought to be his last words praising the man that nearly brought him back to the goddess?”

I would.

Because I know you’d-

“…be capable of bringing my dreams to fruition.”

The blizzard became weaker- the night sky barely visible between the occasional break between clouds. The trail was still impossibly dark and blanketed by snow, but tidbits of moonlight made it possible to at least get a notion of his surroundings. In the distance, a red fox stared at him.

Though his path was snowed over, the fox’s paw prints replaced the trail.

He choked and sent into a coughing fit- only then he understood that he had been hyperventilating, that his mind was running amok as if a light was being pointed directly into his eye. Memories, all of them- voices and faces and names and whatnot, but it felt nauseatingly disorienting. With a shaky hand, Lambert put the book under his pillow and jolted out of the bed to go outside, managing to reach a secluded enough spot before throwing up.

With eyes closed shut as he tried to regain his breathing and wait for his mind to settle down, he placed a hand on his torso- the left side, where a scar sat. A scar that could’ve only been caused by a massive beast.

[oatmealdaydreams]

Nothing is Mine

First Person POV? Damn, it's been a while. Let me know if you wanna be added on or taken off the taglist.

Pairing: none

Trigger/Content Warning: neglect mention, suicidal thoughts, being ignored mention, fear of being alone, fear of being forgotten, fear of being unneeded, hurt no comfort

Description: Logan ruminates about how he's treated, all alone in his room.

Extra: First Person POV, in Logan's POV; back from when I used to write in First Person. It's been a while since I've done that, lmao.

[Masterlist] | ao3 link

[read under the cut]

Alone in my room, sitting at my desk. My papers and pens are scattered, and some have managed to litter the floor. My lights are low. My room feels cold and stale. I don't remember the last time I kept it decently clean.

How can a room feel so empty?

It shouldn't feel that way, right? I'm in the room. There's things in here. It's not empty. It's not supposed to feel empty.

Confusion figuratively holds my heart. I'm not good with emotions. I'm not supposed to show them, either. The others have made that clear every time I interact with them.

They just love to ignore me, shut me up.

No one wants to hear my facts, my input, my knowledge. I even made myself less invasive for the Redux video situation, but I was still skipped over. Silenced. The others didn't even listen to 'logic' when Janus took over and impersonated me. They thought it was me. It's like they rather listen to emotional turmoil than actual logic and fact.

Maybe Janus would be a better logic. He certainly cares about Thomas the way the rest of us do. He's Self-Preservation, after all. Not just Deceit. Not a 'villain', like Roman likes to say.

Maybe it'd be better if I 'ducked out'. Am I holding Thomas back from taking healthy breaks? From moving forward? Is that why no one listens to me? Why no one wants me there?

Maybe I should 'duck out', even just as an experiment. I wonder how'd the others react, if they would even notice. I don't think they would. Maybe Janus and Virgil. Maybe even Patton, but I doubt Roman would. Or Roman would notice but decide to ignore it. Maybe he'd enjoy having me gone. Maybe they'd all enjoy me being gone.

Would Thomas notice?

What would happen to him if I were to just disappear for a little while? Would he still feel my influence?

What if he didn't? What if me 'ducking out' killed him? What if it hurt Thomas?

What if I 'ducked out' and was replaced before Thomas could get hurt? A new Logic, a better Logic. A more interesting and 'fun' Logic.

Maybe Janus would take over, temporarily. He seems to know enough facts and knowledge to play the part. He can get people to listen. He can get Thomas to listen.

He can do his job right.

I can't.

I can't seem to do my one purpose right. I just fucking can't. Am I really necessary?

I want to be necessary. I want to be needed. I can't stand being alone and forgotten. I don't want the others to forget me.

I want Thomas to listen to me, to need me.

What if he doesn't need me anymore?

The others ignore me all the time. They don't want my input. They shut me up for a reason. Maybe a good reason.

What if the others don't need me anymore?

What do I do then? Just waste away in my room? Maybe make way for a better Logic? Maybe... maybe let myself turn into something else. Something to better serve Thomas and the others.

Maybe I should.

I can't handle being constantly ignored anymore.

Why do I feel so... empty? Sad? Upset?

Mad?

Betrayed?

...Lost?

Patton would be able to better explain the feelings swirling around in me. He is Thomas' heart, figuratively at least.

All I can do is sigh and sit in my desk chair. At my messy desk. In some sort of solitude.

Why do I feel so... bad?

What is wrong with me?

I wish...

I wish I got my own thing, for once. I share an emblem with Patton. I didn't even get to tell Thomas my name. Patton did. I didn't get the chance to show Thomas I trusted him on my own. Patton took that away from me.

Things are always getting taken away from me.

My voice, my name reveal, any attention I can grab before another Side figuratively steps in.

I don't... I don't understand. How come it's just me?

Patton skipped over me.

Roman implied I was still being 'invasive'.

Virgil... I don't know.

I don't want to think about this anymore, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Why can't just one thing be mine? Why can't I be listened to? Just once?

Is it really too much to ask for?

Am I... not necessary anymore?

Perhaps I should rest for a while. Janus himself advocates for self-care, and he is listened to more. I should just lay down, take some time away.

If I am truly needed, they'll look for me.

Hopefully.

Taglist: @lost-in-thought-20 @thegoldenduckie @not-sure-what-im-feeling

[star-derailed]

okay so the thing about Dr Veritas Ratio is that the thing about the Genius Society in his character bio feels like an obvious red herring. like the person talking about him is clearly missing the point and we're meant to pick up on this. he's not upset about not being chosen, he's upset because despite his apparent sense of morals and ethics he has designed a fucking anti-planetary weapon for a clearly corrupt and very powerful organization. so I'm inclined to be a little disinterested in readings of the character that focus on his Genius Society FOMO even though objectively it is very funny.

HOWEVER. I think there is still potential to do something interesting with it. like I don't believe he is nearly as upset about it as some of his fictional (or real, for that matter) fans seem to think, but it never feels good to be snubbed. And he clearly fits the bill as someone who is established to be incredibly intelligent in the specific way that the Genius Society caters to. so why didn't he get the invitation?

1. he's not actually enough of a genius. this explanation is less interesting to me though it's very plausible — considering how many people there are to choose from within an entire populated galaxy, one has to be a very singular genius to stand out from the crowd. you could get into some entitlement/gifted kid angst here: when you are expected to be brilliant and your whole life is rearranged to center on this apparent constant, discovering you're not enough to achieve this goal that was expected of you and that you believed was your due (especially with that religious aspect to the Aeons) has got to be frustrating and disconcerting. and Ratio is pretty arrogant! I do think this would bug him a lot, and he would be so mad that it bugged him.

2. he IS enough of a genius, but he hasn't done anything interesting or impactful enough to get noticed. Aeons are certainly beyond human comprehension but they don't seem to be omniscient, and again there is a very populated galaxy of people to choose from. this option is even less interesting to me because there's a clear path to solving the problem, though I would absolutely read fic about Dr Ratio making a big uncharacteristic move in order to get noticed, especially if he loses more than he gains by joining the Genius Society.

3. he is enough of a genius, but some other quality of his puts Nous off. this is by far my favorite option because it puts him in conflict with himself. I find it really interesting that he has clear principles and in the broad sense tends toward benevolence; he believes in spreading knowledge despite looking down on people for lacking it, and he's clearly not happy about his colleague risking life and limb for the benefit of the IPC. and yet he's working with the IPC, designing weapons for them, and participating in hostile takeovers of sovereign planets (regardless of how fucked up the current system of government there is, remember it was a penal colony — hence the name!! — of the IPC before). he's a complicated dude! clearly the Aeon Nous has different principles than many humans considering the standing members of the Genius Society, but there's a lot going on with Dr Veritas Ratio that could conflict with the principles of Erudition. Maybe even his proximity to Preservation! so many possibilities

to be fair I have not caught up with all quests, I just finished penacony and am now working through side quests. it is difficult though because I do not have very many built characters and I have been busy with things like an international move and full time employment. so perhaps I am missing something that directly contradicts some of this.