#why must i always completely humiliate myself before i learn my lesson :(

[fallowtail]

damn remember when i thought i could like...be a writer...truly embarrassing 😬

[easierreadthandone4711]

Rainy Days

I love when the weather matches the vibe.

Last night was a quiet and humbling evening. I've been studying in attempts to learn a new skill set and where I had once felt confident, felt ripped from under me. You know nothing Jon Snow.

Personally - humiliating.

What a strong emotion to come from something that nobody is actually aware of. Why would I feel humiliated? Typically, humiliation would occur in a more public setting but just because that is more common, does not mean the other doesn't exist. With social anxiety already being a factor - you can imagine how annoying this is to feel humiliated...by myself. So - I began to think about the word humiliated. I read once that you should consider the words you use to describe your feelings because more so than you would think, its not the right word. I broke down the word humiliation because I must be using the wrong word.

Humiliated, made to feel a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity; deeply embarrassed or put to shame.

At first glance I think, that's silly. Wrong word. Clearly.

-----

Typically, my evenings are relatively lively. My work shift ends at 2000, not super late but late and if you know how that goes then you understand how much there is to do before bed, despite it being "bedtime". For example, Tuesday nights I have an online class AT 2000. I am jumping in while I am clocking out and walking to my car. Tuning in on my drive and doing my best to stay focused as I get out of my uniform, settled in. Sounds simple enough but I am also a mom. Moms out there know, you don't actually get that time to decompress when you come in, right? The greetings start at the door, sometimes accompanied by questions or requests as if you didn't just get home. Having yet to reach my bedroom - dinner is usually the next topic. Once decisions are made and I make it into my room to really settle into class, the first little bird comes in to go through their day events, then the second and always the third. Sometimes they just come in to see how my day was, which I'm grateful they even think twice about me like that. Yes, I have let them know I'm in class, no this does not deter them and damnit when it comes down to it they're a world of more importance than any class to me. So I listen. Also, I am stupid confident about the class and have yet to not understand the lesson so I'm Gucci. Then we eat, watch something together and hang out until I can't keep my eyes open any longer.

However - yesterday was not a typical Tuesday.

If you've read this far and are expecting a grand finale then let me stop you right here. This ends so anticlimactically I almost feel guilty writing about it. Also, I'm going to keep writing. Sorry not sorry.

Last night at work there was a delay which caused the schedule to shift a bit. Not too horribly, as I was still able to chime into class to at least listen. It was then that I first noticed how quiet my phone was being. Typically, when I'm in my class I have a few friends who will start messaging a bit more, either because they're off work or they know I am but not this time. I took it as a mini gift from the universe, grateful for the opportunity to just focus on the class. On the drive, totally following the class because duh, I already know this. My brain must've relaxed a bit too much. I got home and was welcomed by the grankittens. No little birds, no dinner talk. I received hellos but with no questions or requests I made my way to my room, excited and eager that I might actually get to focus. I quickly get settled in and a little bird shows up. No big deal, I already know the stuff they're talking about. She didn't stay long, gave a little recap and left. Refocus to my class - I am lost. They're throwing a term around that I've never heard and it throws me off completely. I wanted to ask for clarification but for all I know, they literally just explained it and I missed it. I don't want to annoy the educator or the other students so I sat in silence for the rest of the class, hoping to figure out what they're talking about on my own. Class ended and there I am, sitting in silence in my room. No little birds, no texts, no tv, no music or audiobook, just myself and my thoughts.

How on earth did I have all this opportunity for class tonight and this be the night I feel so lost? You know who prevented me from understanding tonight's class? Myself. I've been overly confident, laxed and unfocused.

Humiliated.

We are our own worst critics and I did refrain from beating myself up too harshly but there was a loss of pride, absolutely my self respect and was ashamed. I had to really sit in this when everything was silent. You know, nights are the hardest when you're going through it and I had zero distractions.

Growth moment: There is no point in tearing myself apart over this, the only way this is fixed is to act on it. I need to be better and intentional and follow through with focusing on the work in front of me. I'm grateful for the moment of silence the universe had gifted me, even though I wasn't able to walk away from class feeling great. I was able to hone in on what need to be done with no interruptions or distractions and because of that, I get to grow a bit more.

[aviss]

31 or 38!

Hi @ddagent thanks so much for the prompt! Again, it turned out longer than I thought. I went with number 38, Cop/person getting a ticket. I hope you like it!

Being a cop in King's Landing was nothing like Brienne had envisioned while growing up in Tarth. 

King's Landing was supposed to be a metropolis, multicultural and exciting and a lot more progressive than a little backwater island where everyone knew everyone else and Brienne couldn't take two steps without it being reported to her father, Tarth's Chief of Police. She had imagined that once she was away from his sphere of influence and the island's people's preconceptions of what a woman should and shouldn't be, she would be able to rise through the ranks with her abilities and hard work. And yes, King's Landing was a metropolis; women wore shorter skirts and less cloth on their bodies, or lots and lots more of cloth and only black. They had colourful hair or shaved heads, and tattoos and piercings, and they dated when they wanted and who they wanted, or not dated anyone. They could wear no make-up or tons of it, they could wear heels or flats or walk barefoot for all people cared. 

There were just two things women were not allowed to comfortably be, ugly and a cop in KLPD. At least not under Captain Tarly, who made the people of Tarth feel modern and seemed to have a special hatred for Brienne for daring to be good at her job but not pleasant to look at.

That was the reason she was on the night shift for the third week in a row, relegated to traffic duties while there was a spate of crime that required all hands on deck. 

"That's why you're on traffic, Tarth," Tarly had told her when she protested that they needed everyone in the investigation. "So we can have all the real cops working."

Just remembering his words made Brienne's blood boil, though there was nothing she could do unless she put in for a transfer or quit, and she wasn't going to give them the satisfaction. Not to Tarly and definitely not to Lannister.

As if summoned by Brienne thoughts, she heard the speeding car that announced the arrival of her nemesis. Regular like clockwork, a red convertible took the corner at least ten miles over the speed limit, ignoring traffic laws and Brienne's presence equally, and rushed past her car. She sighed and turned on her sirens, lights only in deference of the late hour, and gave chase. It had stopped on the next street like Brienne knew he was going to, and the driver was already leaning on the window with that infuriating smirk she wanted to wipe.

Jaime Lannister, son of the mayor and brother of the DA, whose early retirement from the KLPD to start his own security firm had been surrounded by scandal and covered in his father's fingerprints. The first time Brienne had stopped him he had been doing just two miles over the limit, something that normally wouldn't warrant a ticket, especially at night on empty streets. Brienne had always been a stickler for the rules, though, and it had been the day she had realized that no matter what she did, she was not going to make detective in that precinct. She was never going to be more than a glorified traffic warden. 

Brienne had intended to let the driver go with a warning, but when she had approached the car a man who could be the Warrior himself, golden and beautiful, had turned to her with a fearsome scowl. "You've got to be kidding me, I was barely two miles over..." he had been saying when he got a good look at Brienne, the scowl melting from his face as he trailed off, his eyes roving all over her before they narrowed sharply. She had flushed at the way he was looking at her, feeling tongue-tied as it always happened when she was around beautiful people. Then he had opened his mouth again. "Are you a woman?"

That was the first time Brienne gave Jaime Lannister a ticket. 

It had not been the last. 

Every single night Brienne had been on duty in that intersection he had turned up, always speeding in his very expensive car, always taunting Brienne with a smile on his face. 

"Do you ever smile, Officer? Are you as boring as you are tall?" he had asked the third night as Brienne handed him a ticket, frowning down at him. Why was he there again? He must have known she was going to be in the same intersection she had stopped him the previous two days.

"So what's your name, Officer Tarth?" he had asked on the fifth day with a quirk of his mouth. 

Brienne had ignored the way her heart had skipped a beat at his smile. "It's Officer," she had said, because she had learned her lesson a long time ago that no attractive man smiled at her like that without ulterior motives. 

"No, you don't look like an Officer, you look like a Wench," he had said while Brienne narrowed her eyes at him and practically threw the ticket through his window.

She'd half expected to be called into the Captain's office after that, but nothing had happened, except that Lannister kept speeding past her and taking his tickets with a smirk and a taunt. Brienne had learned to anticipate his arrival, the butterflies in her gut had nothing to do with his smile and everything with whatever insult he would deploy that day.

His favourite was Wench, his voice fond when he said it.

"Officer Wench, long time no see," he said, his tone friendly as if he was genuinely pleased to see her. Brienne knew better, he was just pleased to annoy her. "I've missed you these past days."

"Mr. Lannister," she said, keeping her tone as neutral as possible while she wanted to wring his perfect neck. "It's Officer Tarth, as you well know. Licence?" He extended it to her with a smile. "You know why I stopped you?"

His smile widened, eyes shining with mischief. "Because you couldn't resist the temptation to spend a few minutes with me?"

"You were speeding again, in the same stretch of road where you've been stopped for speeding at least ten times," she said, holding onto the frayed remains of her self control. Tonight was not the night for Lannister's taunts. "Don't you have anything better to do with your time, Mr. Lannister, than wasting mine?"

"It's Jaime," he said as he leaned back, taking the notebook with the ticket and signing his recept, doodling something on the side like he usually did. Brienne expected it would be a dick if she ever looked at it, not that she ever had. He appeared to be the type to have a twelve-year-old sense of humour. "And not really, no." He handed it back and Brienne put it in his pocked pointedly not looking at it. "Neither do you, officer, since you are always here waiting for me instead of chasing real criminals."

And that was it, Brienne could practically hear her self-control snapping at that. "Out of the car," she said, her voice almost a growl. Lannister's eyebrow's climbed up his forehead but he did it when Brienne took a step back and opened his door. He climbed out of the car and unfolded next to her. He was almost as tall as Brienne, though he still had to look up to her, and just as wide and fit though his clothes were better tailored to showcase his powerful body. Taking complete leave of her senses, Brienne put her hands on his arms and stepped into his personal space, pressing him back against the car. Lannister's breath left his lungs in a rush, his face flushing in anger, eyes dark and mouth half-opened. He licked his lips. "You think this is a joke? That I have been put here for your amusement? That I'm not a real cop just because I am too tall and too big and too ugly?" She hissed on his face, hands hard on his biceps. She could feel the muscle under the expensive weave of his suit jacket, and the still rational part of her brain catalogued it. He was strong enough that he could push her away, and yet he stood there just staring at her with wide eyes, glaze flickering between her eyes and her mouth. "You and Tarly are not going to make me quit. He can keep me in traffic forever, can keep hiding me in the night shift so my face doesn't offend him while the real cops are out there investigating. I've dealt with sexist pigs stuck in the Targaryen era before." She couldn't believe those words were coming out of her mouth but couldn't stop herself. "You can keep insulting me, it's nothing I haven't heard before, you can even keep pretending to be nice to me so I humiliate myself thinking you like me. Again, you wouldn't be the first, though I don't know what's in it for you." She took a deep breath, her anger draining out of her when she realized how close to him she was, their bodies almost pressed together, his breath on her face. He wasn't flushing anymore, his face appeared pale now, his eyes sharp and narrow. She took one step back, then another. "I guess I won't have to quit, after all."

He didn't say anything for a moment that felt like a lifetime, then Lannister got back inside his car and drove away.

…

"Tarth, the Captain is waiting for you in his office."

Those were the words Brienne had been expecting to hear for the past few days, the only surprising thing that Tarly had waited an entire week and put her on the day shift to do it. For maximum humiliation, she was sure. She had known it was coming when Lannister had stopped bothering her the day after she had snapped, not that she had missed him, and Tarly had been strangely absent as well. She had heard some snatches of conversation, had heard her name in whispers and felt some more glares than usual. She had made her peace with it, at least she had not quit. 

"Captain Tarly," she started entering the office with her head held high. Then she stopped and looked at the man inside the room. He was definitely not Randyll Tarly.

Sitting comfortably in the Captain's chair was a man in his late thirties or early forties, tall and solidly built, with an attractive face, sharp blue eyes, and a full head of ginger hair to match his ginger beard. 

"Office Tarth, I'm Captain Addam Marbrand, I'm replacing Captain Tarly who has come down with a case of 'being a sexist pig' and 'being stuck in the Targaryen era'," he said with a straight face, though there was a glint of amusement in his eyes. "I hope I'm a better Captain than he was, not that it's going to be too difficult."

Brienne choked on air and dropped on one of the chairs. "What?"

Marbrand took some folders from the desk drawers. "It had somehow escaped the attention of everyone that this precinct was staffed with just men, like this was the old Kingsguard instead of a modern police department, and whenever a woman dared appear she ended quitting or requesting a transfer in under six months. We have spoken with a couple of them, and there is an interesting pattern everyone in HR had missed." It hadn't been just Brienne, then. "There were other irregularities, especially in a certain type of investigations, that once had come to the DA's attention couldn't be overlooked. Captain Tarly has been kindly invited to retire early and his cohorts are being reassigned." The DA, Tyrion Lannister. Brienne was now more confused than before. This couldn't be because of what she had said, or shouted, at Jaime. She was supposed to be the one fired, not Tarly. Marbrand was still talking as if Brienne's world hadn't been upended in the last minute. "I have taken the liberty of examining your file, and you have been wasted since you came to this precinct, your scores in the Academy are exemplary and you have a recommendation from Tarth Chief of Police."

"He's my father," she said, faintly, surreptitiously pinching her arm. She was awake.

Marbrand smiled slightly. "So he is, still a good recommendation. I'm pulling you from traffic, you will be assigned a partner and will join the Mummers investigation effect immediately. Officer Snow will get you up to speed with the case."

Brienne nodded, knowing a dismissal when she heard one. "Thank you, Captain." 

She still had no idea what had happened but she had been given everything she wanted, she wasn't going to complain. 

"Oh, and Brienne," Marbrand said before she could open the door. "Can I call you Brienne? Regardless of what the rumours say, I haven't been given this position because of my connections, and I won't treat you differently if you choose not to go out with Jaime."

"What are you walking about, Captain Marbrand?" Brienne asked, now certain she had fallen through the rabbit hole. 

"Jaime Lannister, blonde, pretty, rich? The guy who won't shut up about you for the past couple of weeks? You've given him a ticket or a dozen? Has been waiting for your call for weeks and missing sleep to see you?" Her shock must have been plain to see because Marbrand sighed, long and heartfelt. "I have told my idiot of a friend that insulting and annoying a person is not the way to flirt with them. You have to excuse him but being so pretty means he's never had to woo a woman, he's completely useless at it." Brienne blinked at Marbrand, mouth opening and closing uselessly. "Please check your ticket notebook and decide whether he's too much of an idiot to go out with, but please put him out of his misery before I have him murdered."

Brienne walked out of the Captain's office and went to her desk, still feeling like she had landed in a parallel universe. She grabbed her notebook and flipped the pages. Some part of her was convinced she was going to find drawings of dicks or more insults, and that her new Captain was going to be not so different from the old one. 

'Call me, Wench' was written on the margins of the latest tickets, and next to it was a phone number.

Her heart lurched in her chest, the same butterflies that usually appeared at the same time as his car fluttering in her stomach. She took out her phone and dialled before she could think better of it, half expecting the number to be fake. 

"Wench?"

"Jaime."

...

[lawstaverse]

Grimoire Ceremony Epilogue (aka Fuegoleon and Charlotte talk about Asta over tea.) I thought making a quick colored pic for this would be easy but I don’t know how to draw a gazebo or color, so it actually took a while : ). I used a photo from here so the gazebo wasn’t horrible. Anyway, the epilogue to the Grimore Acceptance Ceremony Comic is under the cut~

The sweet scent of crossvines and climbing hydrangea painted the air while the flowers’ petals burst orange and white over the trellis encasing one of many gazebos in the Roselei’s garden. Charlotte’s eyes drifted after a hummingbird as it visited each bloom. A smile tugged at her lips.

“Magic cancellation?” Fuegoleon rubbed his chin. “And it manifests as a sword?” His voice boomed from his chest as he declared, “How interesting! I was starting to think...”

Charlotte narrowed her eyes at him over her glass.

He didn’t seem to notice, but he had changed course of his own accord. “Well, it’s just good to see him making progress magically.”

She stifled her smile. “So you understand his training now.”

He crossed his arms, mindful of his full teacup cooling on the table. “Yes, training without using mana to prepare for yielding such a weapon seems appropriate. Young Leopold was significantly depleted after their bout. It was truly impressive! You’ll be getting him a swordfighting tutor, I imagine?”

“Yes, it wouldn’t do any good for him to have a sword and not know how to use it,” Charlotte agreed. She sipped her tea and savored the delicate herbal blend. It was Fuegoleon’s preferred blend, gentle as not to agitate his sensitive palate.

“I’m looking forward to seeing how his abilities develop,” Fuegoleon clenched his fist, glowing with a lion’s pride. “Maybe he’ll grow strong enough to join a Magic Knights squad, yet.”

She stirred her tea and watched it swirl. “I’ll be inducting him into the Blue Rose Knights, of course.”

Fuegoleon raised a brow. “Really?” When she nodded, he went on tentatively, “You’ve taken his limitations into account?”

“Yes,” she sighed. “I’ve taken everything into account.”

He offered her an apologetic smile. “I should have known you would.”

“You should have.” Satisfied, she sipped her tea. “The boys will be back from their training soon.”

As if in response, they heard the rumble of their younger siblings rushing into the garden. “Charlotte! Captain Fuegoleon!” Asta called. She turned to see him waving his sword over his head as he and Leopold raced toward them. They were both bruised and sweaty, probably from a spirited spar. The pair stopped short on the grass at the gazebo steps, and Asta planted the tip of his blade into the soft earth before springing up to join them.  “Awesome, you’re both here! I’ve got something to tell you!” 

Charlotte straightened in her seat. Maybe he had learned a new spell, or found a new way to use his magic. Beside her, Fuegoleon was looking just as eager. “Tell us,” he commanded.

“I’m going to take the Magic Knights Entrance exam!” Asta’s eyes shined and he held clenched fists in front of himself excitedly. Leopold was practically dancing around him in excitement, the ultimate hype man.

Charlotte’s brows rose. Was Asta joking? Was he being dense? Stupid? He looked completely serious. Innocently ecstatic. Her words caught in her throat.

It was Fuegoleon who voiced her question: “Why? I would imagine you would follow after your elder sister and join the Blue Rose Knights.”

“Guys in the Blue Rose Knights are just errand boys,” Asta said confidently. As if expecting Charlotte’s objections, he added, “And I don’t want any special treatment! I’m going to get on a squad by my own merit!”

Charlotte could see that Fuegoleon was conflicted; a mixture of concern and pride showed in his furrowed brow and surprised stare. We should have expected something like this, she silently admonished herself, but she still found herself arguing. “You have nothing to prove.”

“If I’m going to be the wizard king, I have to prove myself to everyone! They’ll see how strong I really am!” 

“They’ll see your strength once you join a Magic Knights squad. The entrance exam isn’t what matters,” Charlotte insisted. Her mana was acting up, and the hairs on the back of her neck stood as prickling pain crawled beneath her skin. “Don’t be ridiculous. You don’t need to make everything an uphill climb.”

“Hey.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’ve got this.” He puffed his chest proudly. “If you can do it, so can I!”

She looked away, swallowing her nerves. What could she say? I don’t want you to humiliate yourself. How could she explain it to him without making it sound like she had so little faith in him? Closing her eyes, Charlotte took a deep breath. I won’t be able to talk him out of something like this. “If you must, take the exam. Regardless of what you do, you’ll always have a place in the Blue Rose Knights.”

Her brother let out an eager trill, and Leopold joined in. His hand left her shoulder, and she heard the boys chattering excitedly before Asta broke away to add, “And don’t raise your hand for me at the exam. Not unless I really earn it!”

Charlotte and Fuegoleon exchanged a look. She could tell from his face that she was feeling as put on the spot by that as he was. He cleared his throat. “Of course… We owe it to you as your elders and mentors to be honest about your performance.”

“Thanks! You’re the best!” Asta exclaimed. “Leo and I are going to go out and do some extra training tonight!”

“Yeah! We’re stepping it up!” Leopold added. “Maybe we can travel out into the wilderness and find my big sister to get some really intense lessons!”

“That’s a great idea! I bet she could really…” Their voices faded into the distance as they hustled back out of the garden.

Charlotte waited until they were only a distant din before she let out her breath.

Fuegoleon’s spoon clinked against the walls of his teacup as he stirred it with an air of apprehension. “Well… we’ll see how much he improves in six months.”

[gone4neow]

MIGHTY | ⓅⒸⓎ

c h a p t e r t h r e e

- park chanyeol x oc

- mulan rewrite [very loosely inspired by the disney version]

- warnings : cursing, dark themes, extreme violence

- work count : 2,965

previous chapter or next chapter

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By the time Eunyeong arrived at her destination, the sun was already peeking through the trees surrounding the village. A crowd of men stood in uniforms similar to the one hanging from her shoulders. Some wore small smiles on their faces, excited to go fight for their country. Others stood solemnly with their hands behind their backs as they looked off into the distance, seemingly standing in a different reality than the men next to them.

The woman felt her cheeks warm at the realization that she was one of the last to arrive. Being late to work at the farm was humiliating, but the embarrassment never burned her as it did now. Her hands tightened around the scroll she was holding. She ignored the way the men's eyes bore into her face and walked right by them. Though she had no idea what to expect, she was surprised when she didn't find the important-looking man who had been on the fancy horse yesterday. Instead, an older looking man stood among a few of the soldiers she had seen. His features had a softness to them that matched perfectly with his round facial structure. Eunyeong was sure this man was someone's grandfather.

His eyes analyzed her carefully as she bowed and silently extended the scroll in her hand towards him. Gently, he accepted the scroll and began to unravel it as she straightened herself back up. He read over it a few times, glancing between the words printed on the scroll and the assumed man in front of him. Then he quietly spoke her father's name. She knew he would recognize the name; everyone always recognized her father. 

"That's my father, sir," she explained in a tender voice that miraculously came out deeper than what it usually did. Perhaps the universe was finally on her side, prepared to help her get through this journey she had begun.

The shock on his face was impossible to miss. His eyes widened at her words. For a moment she wondered if he was rendered completely speechless, but then he began speaking again. "I wasn't aware that he had a son, only a daughter."

"Ah, most are unaware," Eunyeong started with a nervous smile. "I spent a lot of time out of the country with a distant relative of mine. I was training to become a doctor when I received word of a possible war. With my father's injury, I knew I couldn't take the chance of him being sent off to war so I returned home just in case."

The man let his eyes rake over features of Eunyeong's for a few seconds before quiet laughter began spilling from his mouth. The woman's heartbeat quickened, terrified that her true identity had already been figured out.

"It's a good thing your father has such a brilliant son then. You will do us well and make him proud," the man told her. Relieved, Eunyeong couldn't help but laugh nervously with the man.

"Thank you for the opportunity, sir," she told him. She bowed once more and then turned to accompany her fellow soldiers. For a moment she wondered if she would ever grow accustomed to the title. The men didn't suspect her, or if they did they did not show it. They chatted with her about things she had always heard men talk about on the farm, which was mostly work and their families. Fortunately, she did not recognize anyone she worked with. Unfortunately, she did recognize her uncle's son who had already sent her a few curious glances. If he realized who she was then would he reveal her true identity? Or would he help her keep up her new identity?

After listening to a short speech from the older man about what a remarkable chapter the group of men was entering, it was time to leave to meet up with the rest of the soldiers. Eunyeong took in the sight of her village one last time before she turned her head towards the grown and followed the group. Her mind was filled with thoughts of her parents, who were without a doubt aware of what she was doing by now. She tried to not imagine her father's expression when he realized what his daughter had done. Her chest filled with sadness as she hoped her mother would miss having her around. A part of her thought maybe her actions were selfish; she was sacrificing herself without even considering the pain and worry her parents would go through after all. She would miss her home. She would even miss seeing everyone that she had grown used to having around, even if most of them crucified her.

Growing up she had gone on many walks through the forest, but those had never been as long as the walk from her village to the temporary militia base was. When they arrived, there were men all over the place. Eunyeong watched as they put up tents, creating a small makeshift village of their own. As nervous as she was, it was hard to ignore the small bubble of excitement rising in her chest. The prospect of getting to work collectively with a group of people without having everyone judge her for being a woman was thrilling.

The man next to her nudged her arm suddenly. When she glanced up, she saw a wide grin on his face. Though she wasn't sure why he was grinning, she couldn't be upset about it because she found herself enjoying the sight. His skin glowed under the sun's rays as the corners of his lips curled. As if wanting her to stare, he waited a few seconds before he glanced back down at her.

"You looked excited. I couldn't help myself from grinning when I saw how wide your eyes were," he confessed. She didn't find it as humorous as the man, yet she still felt her cheeks lift. Yet another nervous laugh slipped past her lips.

The man remained by her side for majority of the day. She learned his name was Baekhyun. Like her, he had come in the place of his father. She was thankful for his company for more than just aesthetic reasoning. He was a genuine man who laughed when he saw her struggling, but never took more than a few seconds to immediately show her how to properly manage her tasks. Before the sun had even started to set he had shown her how to set up her tent as well as how to handle the bow and arrow. The bow lesson was short as Baekhyun grew frustrated when he couldn't shoot the arrow in a straight line. His cheeks had grown a bright shade of pink as he muttered curses under his breath.

"How are you so calm?" Baekhyun asked her later when they were sitting outside of her tent with their dinner resting in their hands. Eunyeong's fingers curled tightly around the small, wooden bowl at the question. She wasn't entirely sure how to answer that, so as she finished swallowing her bite of rice she shrugged. To this, the man simply hummed.

"To be honest, I was really nervous about coming here. Where I come from we don't have to worry about survival too much, so I'm not used to wondering when my last day will be," the man spoke softly as he looked out at the crowd of men eating around their tents. "Last night I realized that I could die at any time out here. I still haven't been able to come to terms with that. I don't want to die."

Eunyeong realized the man who had spent the day laughing and cracking jokes was more frightened than she would have ever guessed. All it took was a cup of rice to get him to pour his heart out to her. He must have been holding it in all day, she thought.

"Life is guaranteed for anyone. Even those housed at the palace could die at any time," the woman told him in response.

"Wouldn't it be nice if we could cheat destiny?" The man wondered aloud.

Eunyeong contemplated his question with a frown on her face. Did she cheat destiny by coming instead of her father? What would happen as a consequence? Baekhyun looked at her with concern as the color in her face suddenly began to vanish.

"Hey," he called out to her. When she didn't acknowledge him he did it once more. She finally looked up and met his eyes. When he questioned if she was alright, she felt her stomach twist. Was she?

"I'm fine," she breathed out. "I just got a bit homesick."

The man made a noise as if he understood completely. She watched as he finished his last bite of rice before she hesitantly offered him the rest of hers. A small smile formed on her face at his shocked expression. He accepted the bowl graciously and quickly went to finishing it off.

Later that night, Eunyeong was alone in her tent. She could hear the sound of crickets outside. Between the sound of the restless insects and the hot air, it was hard to escape the summer season. The rest of the camp was silent despite the moon not even being in the center of the sky yet. She wondered if anyone else was having trouble sleeping. No matter how many times she tossed and turned, the anxiety she felt kept her from drifting off. Worries about her parents plagued her mind. She tried not to picture her parents all alone at home worrying about her. The guilt eating away at her was a good indicator of how successful she was at doing that.

Her heartbeat quickened when she heard footsteps near her tent. Her racing thoughts came to a halt as she listened closely to the sound. Though they were faint, she could make out the sound of whispering. Who would possibly be out after everyone had retired to bed for the night? Was someone attempting to run?

"I don't think you understand how important this is to me," she heard a husky voice growl out into the summer air.

"Of course I do," a voice even deeper than the first replied. "That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have concerns. We need to think about this with clear heads."

There was a snicker almost immediately after the man finished speaking. Then the first man spoke again. "If you lack confidence in me so severely perhaps we should give you my position."

"I don't want your position. I want you to think about this again, tomorrow when you haven't been drinking. This isn't a game," the second man hissed. There was a moment of silence after this. Eunyeong could feel the tension in the air and was thankful she wasn't able to witness the lethal scowls the men must've been exchanging.

"I'll think about it again, but you need to lay off. You're my second hand - not my babysitter. Know your place," the first man finally spoke again.

"I assure you, my intentions are not to babysit you. I have numerous other responsibilities here aside from aiding you," the second man snapped. Then, laughter filled the air. It was deep and rumbled like thunder. The sound caused goosebumps to crawl up Eunyeong's arms.

"Come. I don't like when we fight. Let's have a cup of tea before sleeping," the first man said. Within just a few seconds they were already moving on. The woman listened as their footsteps grew further and further away before she turned over again. Her makeshift bed was uncomfortable and already she wanted nothing more than to go home, but after a few seconds of thinking about her father being in her position, she found herself feeling easier about the situation. Though she still felt discomfort, the surface beneath her suddenly felt a lot softer and the anxiety in her chest lessened a bit. If enduring these things meant her father would continue to live to see another day, she'd endure them for the rest of her life with no complaints.

Eunyeong was woken up due to the sound of a banging noise echoing through the camp. She wasn't sure what it was, but she knew she preferred the roosters back at home far more. She scrambled to quickly get ready. Though her hair wouldn't be perfect, she made sure to conceal her breasts neatly underneath her uniform. Fortunately, she wasn't the last one out of her tent. All around her were men emerging from their tents, some not even bothering to completely throw on their shirts. It was a sign of disrespect in her eyes and she couldn't help but scowl at the sight.

She found Baekhyun - well, he found her. They had accidentally bumped into one another before sharing a short laugh. Their fun was interrupted by the sound of a harsh whistle. Immediately, men filed into a line and those who weren't familiar with the practice scrambled to join in. Eunyeong knew her cheeks must've been flaming red from embarrassment as she stepped in line next to Baekhyun. Even though the man wasn't the tallest, he was still quite a few inches taller than she was and the man on her right was even taller. She felt small, but she lifted her chin and mimicked the posture of those across from her.

"Very good," a familiar voice called from down the line. The woman's eyebrows furrowed as she tried to pinpoint where she had heard the voice before. Whoever it belonged to was walking between the two rows of soldiers in a confident stride. She could make out his figure approaching from the corner of her eyes, but she didn't dare move to get a better look. He paused every now and then, most likely analyzing any newcomers he didn't recognize right off. Then, he reach her.

Right away she noticed that he was tall. Though curiosity ate away at her, she didn't dare let her eyes flicker up to scan his face. Instead, she focused on his bare chest and prayed that her cheeks did not expose the impure thoughts running through her mind. Whoever this man was it was obvious that he had spent a long time working on his physique. Either that or the gods had favored him more than most.

He was unmoving and because of this, her heartbeat quickened. If this man was of importance then she wanted to avoid capturing his attention as much she possibly could. Was he already on to her? Were her facial features too feminine for him to believe she was truly a man?

After a few seconds dragged by, the man snickered. Instantly she recognized it. It no doubt belonged to one of the men she had overheard talking last night. This worsened her curiosity, but still, she refused to look up even a centimeter.

"You are the tiniest man I have ever seen," the man commented with humor in his voice. "I am curious to see how you perform."

A few laughs filled the air at the man's comments. Eunyeong felt more offended than she did embarrassed. What did her size matter? Without another word, the man turned and continued making his way down the line. The woman felt almost relieved that he was gone, but a part of her wanted to challenge him. He must feel like a big man since he's so tall, she thought.

"I see a lot of new faces here today and, while I am glad our numbers have grown, I am filled with distaste at this lot's mannerisms," the man spoke from down the line. His voice moved Eunyeong just like his laugh had. Every little rasp sent a jolt down her spine. Was she intimidated by it? She frowned. There was very little that she was intimidated by. It couldn't be that, could it?

While she was racking her brain for an explanation, the man continued to speak. "Let's begin with the little things. Your posture is terrible. You know what that tells me? You're not motivated to be here - you're not ready to fight."

The man began to walk back up the line, his eyes glancing over each face as he went. His walk was full of confidence as if he knew every word coming out of his mouth was nothing but the truth and would go without challenge. If he hadn't frustrated her so deeply, Eunyeong might've admired his confidence. Perhaps she may have even envied it.

"Some of you seem to have no fire in your eyes. No life at all, for that matter," the man spoke as he walked before coming to a pause in the middle of the line. This time she couldn't control herself. Her eyes met his just as he opened his mouth to speak once more and she instantly stiffened her shoulders, preparing herself for whatever insult he had conjured up this time.

"And to those of you with lifeless eyes, I recommend you look upon your neighbors - those in which have a fierceness glowing in their eyes that screams they're ready for whatever comes their way."

He instantly looked away, turned on his heels, and walked back up the line again. He waved his arm in the air as he commanded the men to take a short break before they began their training for the day. Baekhyun wasted no time slouching his shoulders and releasing a deep breath as if he had been underwater for several minutes.

"That was intense wasn't it?" He questioned. Eunyeong found his eyes and laughed lightly.

"It's just the beginning. We'll face worse," she reminded him.

——————————————————————————

a / n : chanyeol has arrived!! hopefully that makes up for the lateness of this post, but at least it’s still going up on a monday. i’ve been busy with zoom meetings and such today. hope everyone enjoys this chapter. xx

[hphm-etched-engraved-everlasting]

8. Em

Author’s Note/Table of Contents

Barnaby Lee was no stranger to me--especially since he's described so often now as Clara's sweetheart.

I mean, that was the most I could call him, right? I wasn't sure if he and Clara were really a confirmed couple, but I did know that they were fond of each other either way, the way his eyes always lit up whenever he told me about her and vice versa. Interacting with Slytherins before him made me put my guard up more than I'd like, but being friends with Hillary really showed that not all Slytherins were that bad after all. He had a kind heart, and he always came by with sweets--a good sign that he cared so much about me because he cared a lot about her.

At least to me, he's a good friend. That's enough for me.

And speaking of my sister...well, she turned into a blushing mess the minute we stepped onto the Training Grounds, walking right over to where Barnaby and Badeea were painting on big square canvases sitting atop their easels. I could see her face turn crimson as we approached them, and I had to drag her over to them with my hand firm over her wrist.

I suppose she had it really hard for him after all.

"Hey, Clara!" he greeted her with a wave. "Hey, Em!"

He stepped aside then to reveal his canvas, where a single Bowtruckle was standing in the middle of some blue and white space on the canvas, a huge smile on its face. I almost cooed in awe at the sight of it--I had always wanted to see a real Bowtruckle, and to see that it looked this cute really made me smile. But Clara looked like she was actually going to cry.

That was when I remembered that in her fourth year, she named a Bowtruckle after our brother, Jacob, and had felt fiercely protective of it after relocating him in the Forbidden Forest last year while studying for her OWLs.

"So, what do you think of my painting?" he asked us, a big cheeky grin on his face.

"It's...really cute," I offered, nodding thoughtfully before looking up at my sister.

"It's...special," Clara responded then, wiping away the tears that began to trickle down her face. "I mean, you painted a Bowtruckle..."

"Not just any Bowtruckle. It's Jacob the Bowtruckle!" Barnaby said enthusiastically. "I guess I got inspired from our OWLs study session last year, and he reminded me of how you helped me believe in myself." He reached over and gently wiped her tears with his thumbs, coaxing a smile out of my sister. "Hope you didn't mind, of course. You've become my muse more often nowadays."

Oh. Well. That was definitely what they meant by "sweetheart."

"I can't tell if you meant it's good or bad, Clara," Badeea finally said after a moment's silence, looking at the two of them quizzically as if trying to find the right time to break the ice.

"Exactly!" Barnaby responded. "That's what makes art so mysterious."

I simply glanced over from Barnaby's simple Bowtruckle painting to Badeea's nighttime shot of Hogsmeade--probably a little something to get her own creative juices flowing. I understood how much of a block she's had nowadays. "I wish I got a chance to appreciate art more," I murmured. "Never thought of it much after Beatrice got trapped in a portrait last year."

"I never thought you were still giving painting lessons to Barnaby, Badeea," Clara piped up, wiping her glasses now with the hem of her dress.

"Oh, of course. We just started again," Badeea explained. "Barnaby has big plans."

At that, Barnaby turned to us with a proud smile on his face. "Yeah! Over the summer, I learned what a 'Renaissance Man' is. It means knowing only a little bit about a lot of things."

It wasn't that far off the mark, I figured. The Renaissance people were all about embracing Enlightenment, and revolutionizing the culture of people through the arts and other things. I figured anyone with a Renaissance mind would want to have many talents. If Barnaby's aspiring to become one of them, I hope he succeeds.

"Where did you get that definition from?" I asked him with a knowing smile. "It sounds pretty accurate."

"Hm? I dunno, actually. Can't remember," Barnaby replied with a small frown, his face scrunched up in confusion. "I'm sure it must have been from somewhere...but anyway, I decided that I want to become a Renaissance Wizard."

I guess I could see now why Clara loved Barnaby so much. He had the ambition of a Slytherin, but he also had a huge heart and open mind. Of course, he wasn't always like this when they first started their friendship, but seeing them now made me nod and smile. I wasn't always a huge fan of romance, but this was like seeing a beautiful rose blossom before my eyes--something that isn't so cringey and gross. They were just being themselves around each other, and I could see the close bond they had, the way they interacted and smiled at each other in a touching way.

"Sounds ambitious," Clara finally remarked with an approving grin of her own, nodding and taking his hand. "I look forward to seeing how it turns out."

Barnaby nodded and kissed her on the cheek, which made her turn a brilliant shade of pink.

"Thanks, Clara."

I glanced over at Badeea now, who was trying so hard not to burst into giggles. I could relate. They were definitely sweethearts.

"So, what did you want to see me about?" Barnaby asked her then, swinging their linked hands slightly, to and fro.

"Actually, I need some advice about Ismelda," Clara ventured tentatively, her face now turning pale.

Andre warned me back in the courtyard that Ismelda was not one to mess with. Sure, he helped her confess her feelings to Barnaby, but that didn't mean he was okay with actually hanging around with her after the air was cleared. I couldn't imagine how a girl with morbid thoughts about blood and gore would want to hang out with someone who appreciated everything that lives. Of course, I didn't hear everything between Clara, Beatrice, and Ismelda back in the courtyard, but I could sense the tension between all three of them and know just how charged anyone would be if the names of those who brought them sheer discomfort was brought up in a conversation at all.

But Barnaby didn't flinch at all. Instead, he just frowned.

"She doesn't have a crush on me again, does she?" he asked her. "My schedule's quite packed with Renaissance Wizard activities. And making sure your sister's doing fine. And...well..."

"Yeah. I know. But no, she doesn't," Clara confirmed.

"I figured. We haven't been all that friendly in years."

"So...you won't give us advice?" I asked him. "I mean, if you haven't talked with Ismelda recently then we can try to talk with Merula. Even if she's been...guarded."

"No, of course I will," Barnaby promised. "But you'll have to duel me for it."

Duelling? I had no experience with duelling, let alone combative magic and spells. I turned to Clara now, who blanched even more at the prospect of raising her wand for another fight.

"Duel you for advice?" she asked meekly. "Why?"

"A Renaissance Wizard can't just stop at painting lessons," Barnaby explained. "I could use some duelling lessons, too."

"Diego gives duelling lessons," I chipped in then. "He's actually pretty powerful if I say so myself. One day he gave this Ravenclaw first-year girl a good Bat-Bogey Hex when she wouldn't shut up about the flowers in my hair."

And it wasn't a habit I always kept--I only wore tiny little sunflower clips in my hair that day because it was so sunny outside I had to match it. Apparently, some of us didn't appreciate it. I was only lucky that Diego was close by when the teasing happened, and he made her run and scream once it was all over. It was then when he said he wanted to protect me from anyone who tried to hurt me.

"True. I've seen it myself," Barnaby agreed. "But Clara was the one who duelled a Troll and a Dragon."

"Barnaby!" Badeea jumped in shock at that. "I'm sure those aren't exactly good memories for Clara. She was doing what had to be done to break the Portrait Curse."

Barnaby's face paled when Badeea told him, and he sighed, squeezing my sister's hand. "I'm sorry, Clara. We all know what you've been through."

"And little Em," Badeea reminded him. "It must be hard to imagine what her two older siblings had to go through here."

Clara nodded, glancing at me and Badeea. "Yeah, but if anything positive can come out of something negative..." She trailed off, smiling at me, and I knew what she meant. With another danger out of the way, even if I wasn't completely safe, she'd be well assured that my first year at Hogwarts would be as normal as it could get.

"Sounds like I could be getting my duelling lesson...?" Barnaby asked her, an eager grin on his face.

"All right," Clara eventually agreed. "Let's duel."

Badeea quickly brought me away from the two as they took their positions, bowing to each other before going into their ready stance. With their wands drawn, I couldn't help but feel slightly intimidated. I never saw Clara looking this bold before--not while I witnessed her with red puffy eyes and slouched frame that curled into a fetal position more than once over the summer. Then again, there was a lot to my sister that I know nothing about. She shared a stronger bond with Jacob when we were younger, after all.

When Jacob first went missing, all my parents could say was that he was taking a trip with his friends, and that he would be back soon. As the years went by, though, the image of Jacob--whatever impression he first left in my naive toddler mind--faded away from my memory. He never returned from whatever trip he took, and it lead to my parents fighting more than I was used to. My mother was badly humiliated, my father embarrassed and angry.

His gardens almost withered from the withdrawal of life that everyone felt. Her books were taken off the shelves of Flourish and Blotts to save her from the horrible reviews critics have given her.

And me? I could only do so much to help them calm down. I reminded them of the lie they told me. I tried to offer them the stuffed magical creatures I was gifted. But every day, they pulled more away from me, isolating themselves in a world where the family was forever deemed dysfunctional, incomplete, and practically irreparable. Only last summer did the truth come out, and from my older sister who saw him--probably for the last time.

Now I understood why Merula and Ben had changed so much from how Clara first saw them. The search for the Cursed Vaults had tested not only their individual abilities. They've tested the strength of their alliance with others, too--no one would dare enter the Cursed Vaults alone, after all. Rakepick chose her, Merula, and Bill Weasley as her apprentice curse-breakers for a reason.

No one imagined it would be for dragon bait.

I could see Clara cast her spells with so much force, almost like the night she was training with Merula. Barnaby still got a few chances to recover, but it was mostly Clara casting all the spells she needed. When it was finally over, she and Barnaby returned to us, Barnaby rubbing his eyes from where the handkerchief slapped him to finish off the duel.

"Wow. You sure schooled me, Clara," Barnaby remarked. "I feel I'm a better dueller already!"

"Indeed. You really are quite good, Clara," Badeea complimented with a smile.

Clara simply nodded, and I could see the steel melting from her eyes as she smiled back at the two of them. "Thank you both."

"So about Ismelda...what did you want to know?" Barnaby asked us then.

"Well, Ismelda's sort of taken Beatrice Haywood under her wing," Clara began.

"Ismelda and Penny's little sister?" Barnaby's eyes darted from me to Clara, over and over. "Odd pair."

"Beatrice had been a little lost since getting out of the painting, and her search ended up here," Clara explained. "And Penny's worried about Beatrice falling under the wrong influence. Ismelda can be rather jaded--but Ismelda is also being so protective of Beatrice that there's no getting by her."

"You must know something that can help, Barnaby," I piped up. "After all, you were with Ismelda when you and my sister first met."

"And Merula too," Barnaby recalled grimly.

"Don't get us started on Merula," Clara warned him. "She's reaching new levels of jaded."

Barnaby nodded thoughtfully, scratching his chin pensively. Then he looked up at Clara, and I thought I saw a glimmer of fondness in his eyes.

"Honestly, what helped me the most...was time with you," Barnaby stated. "I wanted friends. Everyone does. But the ones I first found were often bitter and cruel. So I often joined in, afraid to be left out--until you showed me I could have friends that didn't behave that way."

Something about Barnaby's words hit home for me. I wanted friends, too. Clara's often encouraging me to have a normal school year in her stead, with all the curse-breaking adventures she has going on. What if my flaw of being left out so much turns into a craving for company--even company with the worst folk? I just hoped Hillary wouldn't turn into a villain I had to look out for. For now, though, I could say Eunice and Travis were enough to deal with.

"So that's my best advice," Barnaby said eventually. "Spend time around Beatrice, whether Ismelda's around or not. Beatrice probably just wants to feel like she's part of something--soon she'll see that she has choices."

Beatrice didn't even have many friends to begin with, now that I thought about it. In a way, she must have had it worse than me. I looked up at Clara, who was looking at Badeea, the two of them exchanging surprised glances.

"That was so...wise," Badeea eventually managed to say.

"Rather touching, too," Clara added, her cheeks colouring a brilliant pink yet again.

"I think I can give it a go," I finally agreed. "Beatrice and I are in the same house, after all. If she could see me as a friend rather than just Penny's friend's sister, then maybe we could get somewhere with a new friendship."

Clara nodded. "You sure, though? You told me she--"

"Scared me a bit. She still does," I admitted. "But Barnaby's right. Reaching out to her might be the best option for us, and she and I are almost the same age, too. Maybe she'll understand."

Barnaby nodded at me then and smiled, handing me a Chocolate Frog box that he had in his pocket. "I hope it works out, little Em."

"And I'll head back to the Courtyard to see if Beatrice is still there," Clara offered. She smiled fondly at him before wrapping her arms around him. "Thank you, Barnaby. You just might be a Renaissance Wizard after all."

Once more, Badeea looked like she was going to dissolve in a fit of giggles, and I chuckled slightly at the sight of my sister in the arms of someone she loved and cherished.

I could truly see them being happy together. After all, they were each other's sweethearts. But would Clara still be this happy, with the possibility of a final curse still looming over the school?

[geminisemotions-blog]

Struggles with ADD

I feel like going crazy. I feel like my mind is playing games with me to get me down, and hold me there as long as possible. Maybe it's the stress, maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself or maybe I do have a problem. I can't even think of words right now that describe my feelings, I suck ass at expressing my feelings, but if I don't learn how to do that I might explode. Everytime I sit down to study, as dump as it sounds, I just can't get myself to start. I am scared of starting because I know it will turn out with me crying and having a mental breakdown. When I'm sitting in class it's like there's a wall in my brain that keeps information, important information, from reaching my brain. No matter how hard I'm trying to concentrate on what the teacher and my classmates say...I hear the words, but they won't reach my brain which leads to me not understanding what is going on. Everything seems so foggy and unclear. Like some cloudy layer covering my brain...or sth like that. This again leads to me getting frustrated with myself, even hating myself, for how dump and idiotic I am. Like I'm neither able to complete simple tasks nor a little harder ones. In English today, I struggled to find the most easy words. Words and explanations that I KNOW. Of course my teacher had to pick me, and I just didn't get a word out. He's my favourite teacher and I've always gotten along with him, so why is it that he kept picking on me throughout the whole lesson. He noticed I was off today, and I kept wondering what he must've thought of me. If I'm just lazy today, or too tired (which I was) and I felt humiliated. Maybe he tried helping me by constantly giving me another chance of answering his questions. But it didn't help me at all. I kept thinking of what the others must've thought of me in that moment, I just couldn't help it. I went to the bathroom because I had to calm myself...because I had to hold back my tears...because I felt like a mental breakdown was about to take over me. I calmed down, but felt like shit. I got home, fell asleep for two hours because I just wanted to make it stop, I just wanted to relax. Of course I had to dream about my English teacher, once again picking on me. I wasn't even able to complete his tasks in my damn dream, and after he told me "If you wanna go home and cry that's fine" I woke up, already on the verge of tears the second my eyes opened.

It's so easy to hang out with my friends and play down my frustration, laugh at it and just act like I'm not panicking inside. Acting as if I'm not overwhelmed by every mildly inconvenient situation I get myself in. I am frustrated with myself. Myself only. Much egocentric.

I'm supposed to study japanese. And no, it's not an excuse. It's not that I don't want to study, I really really want to study. I want to achieve my goals, and I did have a lot of moments that made me proud for recognizing words or characters. I want to achieve the good grades. For once, I want to be successful, and proud. I want to make my parents proud, and I don't want to be a waste of money. Everytime I have to ask my mom for money, especially school money, I just feel so guilty. They have already spent so much money on me for things that I messed up or that I wanted. This time, if I fail this school, I have no idea how I'm gonna be able to live with myself.

I've thought of seeing a doctor in order to maybe get some medication or at least a diagnosis and some tips on how to deal with ADD. But why is it that I struggle so hard, but other people who have that don't. My parents, or at least one of them has it. According to the doc who treated my sister, it runs in the family, it's a genetic thing.

But my parents don't seem to care, or think it's an actual problem. The last time I went to my mom and talked about this issue, she just told me to get a grip. She just asked what the doctor's supposed to do about it. That it's unnecessary and something you can deal with by just eating healthy and doing sports. I must admit it helps a little, but not a lot and not over a long period of time.

Few months after our talk I failed math and was forced to leave school, and I still deep down think that I deserved it.

Now it's the first time since then where I'm really really struggling with this again...I guess that's why I'm so hella scared. And frustrated. And depressed.

The anxiety is eating me up, I can't clear my mind, I don't know how to do anything

I can't stop feeling like shit. Like I'm just making everything up in my mind, and I'm scared of every damn exam I still have to take. Fuck I'm scared of the damn presentation I have to do for my damn English teacher, who is going to ask me damn questions after my presentation infront of the whole class, in the same week as my 3 exams, one of them being economics.

Not only do I feel like a bad student or daughter...I feel like a bad friend. A bad human being in general.

Depressing thoughts and self hate are toxic. Before you know it, they have already poisened your whole brain.

I am gifted with the best people I could ever have in life, but I'm not even able to show how much they mean to me. Almost everyday I'm thinking of things I wanna do to show my best friend how much I appreciate her, but I don't know how. I don't know how to pay her back. Not only the money she has helped me with, but also her gestures and the care she has showed me.

Only thinking about it makes me wanna cry. I don't want to give her the impression that I take her for granted.

Am I overthinking?

I don't know. What I know is that I get random outbursts of tears and I feel weak for being that way.

I just feel like I'm going crazy. I guess I'm overreacting, but I don't know how to stop, how to control my thoughts.

There are times it gets better, and times it gets worse.

Right now it's pretty bad, it's actually never been worse.

Some don't struggle at all, not even noticing it. Some struggle from time to time a little, and some don't only have concentration deficit...but they get side symptoms.

Mental issues that come along with it, people who really struggle with this usually have other health problems as well.

I've been reading several studies, articles and opinions from people that are affected.

Not to be jumping to conclusions too fast, but that all explained a lot about me. Like, I could relate to so much, not just like "Yeah I know that". But more like yes I live with that, I live with those thoughts, I struggle with the way I view myself.

I've thought about letting my boyfriend read this, but everytime I'm trying to collect some courage I back out.

I'm scared. To show anyone. Idk why. What if he thinks it's stupid? I wouldn't be able to take that. I already think I am stupid.

What if he doesn't believe me ? Or doesn't care? It seems so stupid, I'm his girlfriend. But I can't help having anxiety attacks.

It's already so hard to keep a straight/normal face infront of him. I feel happy with him, but at the same time I don't and there are so many moments I just want to cry. Lately, especially at night while trying to fall asleep. That stage is dangerous because you start to think too much.

I wouldn't be able to handle it. Him seeing me differently, or not taking me seriously, or even treating me differently.

On the other hand, I don't know for how long I can keep hiding. I guess the day will come where I just start crying out of nowhere and he'll sit there shocked & confused.

I don't want anyone to see me crying.

February, 2019

[fubukimori]

Lift-of-the-ground hug

Basicly it was going to be not longer than one page silly attempt at writing in English, but I’ve got carried away a bit ^^” This is dedicated to @crazy-bone-lady​ (Nevia belongs to her), bc she is a nice person dragged me into a bunch of cool people in my current fundom, where I was introduced to so many cool characters i would never know by myself. I really aprechciate this ^^ Since Nevia is my favorite one, I decided to write something she inqluded. I hope i didn’t mischaracter her ^^” (im also willing to write something like this with ataric but not really sure if i capable of that)

Also a reminder that I’m not an English-speaking person, so my apologies to you if you find this writing full of mistakes of different kinds (still need to figure out how to put direct speech into shape properly). I warned ya ;3

It was awfully early in the morning. Barely a few people were slumberly heading to their work places to get prepared for the daily Tower routine. Guardians are rarely wandering here that early, even commander Zavala wasn’t  here yet. Nevertheless Fubuki was already on her feet, cheerful and vivacious after a good “two hours nap” which started yesterday noon and ended just an hour ago. Deserted Tower seemed so nice and unnatural so she was just strolling around, humming random melodies and enjoying the absence of croudy guardians while looking for the perfect place to sit and crochet the shawl she’d promised to Ikora.

Passing by the lord Shaxx’s survey point and obviously finding him here, already boisterous and loud, Fubuki noticed someone on the place commander Zavala usually stood. The Warlock’s poor eyesight didn’t allow her to recognize who was that person, so she called her Ghost out to help. “Ori, who is that over there?” she asked, pointlessly squinting at the stranger. Should’ve taken her glasses. “Oh, that is Nevia. That huntress from the Crucible”.

Usually lord Shaxx doesn’t match kinderguardians like Fubuki with fabled veterans of the Crucible, but some time ago he decided to give everyone a challenge, mixing up together guardians completely randomly. Most of the youngsters immediately started complaining about unfair difficulty since they were supposed to face and fight guardians way more skilled than themselves. Fubuki on a counterverse liked the idea of the challenge, but after some matches, where opponents were literally wiping floor with her, she almost gave up and decided to avoid the Crucible this week. “Just another one and I’m done with this humiliation” she thought, heading to the Nessus special fighting arena. This time was just like the others - she died and died and died… Almost crushed enough to explode and rage quit the match, Fubuki saw an opponent Titan, already speeded up enough to smash fragile warlock against the wall with their shield bash, but suddenly she felt a firm grab at her wrist and then was pulled behind the pillar next to her. Titan’s shield bash slammed loudly against the wall. Fubuki got panicked and threw her pulse grenadine towards the Titan’s direction. Confused Defender shrinked back, but wasn’t fast enough. In a split second Fubuki saw a cloak in front of her and then a flashy sword swing. The Titan clutched his chest plate with a shaky hand then dropped dead on the ground.

“Hey!” the cloak person turned back to an unusually speechless Warlock, brushing blood off their Quickfang. “Watch out where you are daydreaming, nerd!” Huntress barked and headed forward, searching for the other enemies. Fubuki followed her since she had always been told to stick with teammates in the Crucible, especially if they were actually capable of killing others.

Huntress seemed completely unbothered by a “never asked to be” companion, she was concentrated on winning this particular match. When she went through a giant stone arch in the middle of the arena, there was an unexpected foe. Another Hunter was hiding behind, squatting with Tractor cannon. Fubuki was shadowing her, so she met with this enemy Hunter face to face, while he was attempting to finish powerless opponent. Before he managed to shoot down Fubuki in a close range, she slapped him with an Arc charge, hurting him just enough to be finished with a single shoot in the head from the Huntress’ hand cannon. A perfect team work, yet absolutely spontaneous. Fubuki placed a healing rift, recovering the Huntress from that dirty trick. “Thanks” the only thing the Huntress said, reloading her magazine. Fubuki just nodded silently.

“I see you’ve got a little friend, Nevia, hahaha! Mind you, Fubuki, Nevia is a great warrior, but a terrible teacher!” lord Shaxx had been satisfied seeing twenty kills in a row by one of his favorite Crucible fighters and was praising their duo for the last five minutes. Nevia was doing most of the work, when Fubuki was putting all the effort to support her, providing healing, Arc souls and grenades, hitting the right spot barely half of all the times. When the match was over and everyone headed to collect rewards, Fubuki finally got a chance to have a good look at her savior. She was surprisingly very short woman, an Awoken just like Fubuki herself, with a severe gaze and short shaved head. “H-hey!” Fubuki exclaimed with her voice shaking of excitement, though the frown look she gained from the Huntress made her feel chill crawling on her back. Nevia looked up and down at the Warlock and then raised her brow. “Oh, it’s you”. The Huntress had probably recognized messy Crucible Warlock’s armor colored in Metroshift which Fubuki had been wearing during the match, her gaze softened a bit. It immediately brought a delighted expression back on the Warlock’s face. “Yes, it is me, your faithful support from the last match, hahaha!” she responded with a rather high-pitched voice. That’s what she does when she is excited or nervous. “I just hope I was not bothering you”

“Nah, you did fine”

“Hope so. By the way, your name is Nevia, right? I am Fubuki, it was a pleasure to fight alongside with such skilled guardian!”

“Hah, thanks”

Seeing the Huntress wasn’t really in the mood for a chatter, the Warlock got a move on with finishing this little pep talk. “Well, we are doubtedly matching in the next one, so, um… Good luck. May the Traveler's Light shine upon thee” she made a profound bow, spreading her hands in a proper Warlock’s sign of gratitude.

“The same goes for you” Nevia raised her hand, a shadow of a smile on her face. ”See you around”

From now on, Fubuki was meeting Nevia in the Tower sometimes. Every time the Awoken met each other, Fubuki waved her hand in a greeting, Nevia responded with a simple nod. Sometimes they shared a word or two. Amicable Warlock would love to make friends with this gloomy Huntress, but she seemed not really into making friends with anyone, so Fubuki was trying hard at least don’t be obtrusive. However, being in such a good mood, she decided to make a move. Fubuki jumped in the air and glided toward Nevia. Noiselessly landed behind the short Huntress, way taller Warlock grabbed her and then lifted of the ground in a snapshot. “Heya, Nevia!” she cheery exclaimed, holding tiny Huntress on her arms. “Glad to find you here tod…”

In the next few minutes Fubuki learned several lessons. First, never ever mess with Hunters before they are finished with their morning coffee. Second, if you’d spooked them or spilled their coffee, no matter how high you can jump or how many times you cried “I’m sorry!”, you’ll get stabbed. If you’d done both, it is for sure.

Fubuki was always the one learning in a hard way.

When Ori revived her, lord Shaxx, who had seen all the scene, was still laughing, definitely already bursting in tears, if only there was no helmet on his head. Nevia was already missing. “That...wasn’t such a good idea” Ori concluded. Fubuki didn’t say a word to him, only cursed to herself in several languages.

At the end of the day Fubuki was tired and really unhappy. She still felt guilty for the morning incident, and also very stupid. “You must always think first, you stupido. Now she is probably thinking I am mental or something” she rumbled to herself, heading to the vault. “Well, guess I deserved it anyway”

“Hey”

Fubuki didn’t hear someone approaching, so a sudden voice from behind made her flinch. It was Nevia staying behind with her her arms crossed on her chest. “Oh, em… Hi” Fubuki didn’t expect the Huntress to get close to her after she pissed her off. There was an awkward silence for a moment. “That… wasn’t very wise of you. You have to make sure this won’t happen again” she said, shifting from one feet to another. “I know, I am really sorry!” Fubuki exclaimed in response. “I… I just get really childish sometimes, I really do sorry for that”

“Yeah, and I could have played it cooler” Nevia said, lifting her gaze up to the Warlock. “Dammit, why are you such a pole?”

“I… I do not know. I was like this from, well, from the very beginning” the Warlock was a little frustrated, but it seemed the Huntress wasn’t pissed off anymore. And she kinda… made an apology too?

“So, no hard feelings, right?” Nevia asked, her face was less frown than usual. “Absolutely!” Fubuki responded with a wide smile on her face. The Huntress hold out her hand, the Warlock immediately shook it. “Glad we are cool now” she said, squeezing Huntress’ smaller palm. “If you ever need help with, well, some abstruse thing or maybe will need a medical advice, you can always call me for it”

“Sure, thanks. We should go outside the Walls someday” Nevia responded with a smug smirk. “Someone is gonna teach you not daydreaming right in the middle of the battlefield”. Fubuki laughed awkwardly. The Awoken took their leave of and both went where they were planning to. The weight of the guilt finally loosed from Fubuki’s shoulders. She hates being disturbing for anyone and the fact that Nevia had let the morning incident go made her finally feel good again.

“I hope you are not thinking you are already friends, right?” Ori hovered next to her, preaching as usual. 

“We might become ones some day. She is actually nicer than she tries to look like”

“I doubt that”

“You doubt anything, little one”

[decadentrpg-blog]

WELCOME ROSE, YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF ANTONELLA PICQUERY

Admins Note: My favorite femme fatale has arrived to stun us all. I absolutely squealed at your interpretation of Antonella. Every facet of her narcissism, her excessive indulgence and proud ego has been carved out. The sample paragraph had me chuckling, poor bloke! All in all, I can’t wait to see Antonella twirl past midnight, capturing sin with every step she takes.  Congratulations on your acceptance again, please make sure to head your way to the checklist and submit your account within the next 24 hours!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name / Alias: Rose.  Pronouns: She/Her. Age: 21. Timezone: EST (GMT +5) 

IN CHARACTER

Full Name: Antonella Margaux Picquery Sexuality: Bisexual. Gender/Pronouns: Cis Female. She/Her. Hogwarts House: Slytherin.

Head canons

warning Mentions of death, narcissistic shenanigans.

ONE She caresses her lover’s cheek. I could kill someone, if I needed to, she thinks, and then kisses her. And even if I didn’t need to, I think I could.

TWO There are two sorts of lovers. Curiosities and passions. The former begins on a whim, at the briefest mix of boredom and interest. And is done with and gone as quick as it occured. The second is sweeter and, well. She doesn’t pursue them. She’s too beautiful to pursue anyone or anything. Anything she desires eventually must make its way to her. So she keeps the door open. She sets out the trail of breadcrumbs and waits for them to find themself where she always knew they would. In her thrall. It’s inevitable.

THREE Antonella has a higher tolerance for pretty muggles over ugly wizards. Far better to listen to idle small talk pour from lovely lips, rather than intricate spells from a cracked maw. In fact, she once had a muggle. He glanced about her apartments and laughed, nervous. Irritating. But he looked like the angels had cut him from the night sky. She wanted to sink her teeth into him. So she did. Until one day, she met a golden eyed half veela and left him, forgotten, in Morocco.

& HORUS “Stay with me,” she says. “I love you,” and it feels like the truth. The best lies always do. He stays, she stays, they stay. One day she lies to him and it feels like the truth, tastes like the truth, sounds like the truth. And while she remembers the words in stunned silence (were they the truth? impossible) he leaves.

FIVE Antonella is morbidly blithe and playfully cruel. She believes life is only a series of distractions and games. It is an exercise in enjoyment and the one who lives best is the one who laughs most. So she laughs and lives for herself and her pleasure alone. Labor is what others do to support her wants and her yearnings; worker bees for a queen. She bears them neither gratitude or malice. Her payment is every moment they’re allowed to observe her. What they have is symbiotic. Without culture, the arts, people like her, how could they ever bear their grim, small lives?

SIX Her grandmother dies, face haggard and hidden, and Antonella has never admired anyone more. When her mother comes to slide the veil away, Antonella slaps her hands. This is a final, sacred wish. The aesthetic preserved at all cost. She takes and keeps the lesson. She buries it in her heart, and lets it sprout.

SEVEN No one’s ever made her grow up and so, there are traces of a child’s ambiguous innocence within her. An almost complete absence of empathy for others. An almost impressive preoccupation with herself and her own wants, needs, and comfort. If an acquaintance is weeping, she knows enough to say nothing of her slight hunger, to embrace and comfort them, but she will wonder, wistfully, of when can she go and indulge herself? She has spent her life being spoiled, and sees no reason why that should stop.

EIGHT This’s how her parents regard her: A living doll. A paradox. Dolls don’t live. They exist. They’re displayed and owned. What do dolls exist for, if not to be handled? If not to be the eternal object to another’s subject. Nothing great could come from anything so slight, and delicate. This is the worst hurt of her half life.

& WREN She looks at Wren and says, “Charming.” This has only happened twice before, and the best time had been in an empty glen, her veins full of liquor and delight. The thestral had gazed at her and she at it. A warm, fondness overtook her, the same fondness that heated her neck when she considered Wren, the same fondness she had for all rough diamonds. For the beauty that hid itself in plain sight. With every rebuff and dismissal, the indignant fondness doesn’t diminish. It grows. “Quaint,” she breathes under her breath, as Wren flees her, because she has been here before. She has done this before. And the sweetest part of a thing’s creation is its destruction. The artist knows best how to ruin art. Piecing it all together, building it all up, only to learn its most intimate machination, to know the best way to pluck the heart of it out, and watch it topple. She’s a child demolishing her sand castles, her blood hot and salted. Another game, another dear distraction; the foundation of life.

& EVANDER Antonella never accepts the bill when it comes. It has never and will never occur to her that she should. Sometimes she might consider the morality of an action. That it’s wrong, that it might hurt. But then here is the crux of the matter: She wants, so she does, and she takes. She wants her fiance’s friend, Evander, so she has him, and when she no longer wants him--a whim, a curiosity--he’s tossed aside. Forgotten.

& DARIUS Given the choice, she surrounds herself with beautiful things and beautiful people. Envy is rarely, if ever, a present concern of hers. She would say, I long to be surrounded by beautiful women and beautiful men. And never dream to add, Beautiful, but not as beautiful as myself. What a hypothetical, theoretical waste of breath. Where would she find anyone or anything as beautiful as herself? Or, since she’s already sunk into the depths of myth and fantasy, more beautiful. In a story, or a dream? She may’ve met one such woman, in a nightmare, but it was only Antonella’s reflection arisen from the dark sea. She may’ve met one such woman at a party, where she had been so wrecked with terror and drunkenness and desire that she knew she would die, but it was only her staring back from the window.

So her fiance isn’t as beautiful as her, but she loves to look at him, and be looked upon with him. Has she ever looked finer than with him at her side, than with her at his side, their arms entangled? And has anything ever felt more distant and unsettled, than his hand on her shoulder? Stiff, dry, odd. Lust melts her lovers into her but he remains cold and far off. She might pretend to feel for him romantic distress when she clasps their hands together, but the more time passes the more her passion for him becomes devoured by pride and vanity and sooner or later, rage.

In Character Paragraph

Antonella sways, breathes in air soaked with color and delirium. Smiles at a girl draped in silver sparkle, her mouth like a melted rose. There are whispers and clumsy gazes directed towards Antonella, who preens. There are trumpets and saxophones screaming away into the night. “The muggles are working themselves into a terrible frenzy tonight.” She loves it. Her walk is one-third dance.

“They’re called No Maj,” her companion, Douglas, corrects her, thoughtless, and she ignores him in the same manner. He hasn’t noticed the anticipation of reverie around them. He doesn’t have the nose for it as she does, and he’s too preoccupied with how he must look to her, anyways. Which is just as well.

A Rolls Royce waits to chariot them to an intimate gathering of artists, on the edge of Harlem and nowhere. It’s a convertible; the interior all butterscotch leather that complements her dark silhouette, her cream gown, her easy privilege. Antonella drives because her companion can’t and won’t. Because he becomes wrecked with a terrible sweat at first sight of the automobile. Because she wants to and it’s hers and she ignores his hand wringing. His vague mutterings on humiliation and control. Was this the muggleborn in him talking? How exotic. “I prefer portkey,” he says, finally.

“Oh, darling, you’re no fun,” she replies, snapping her elegant, leather gloves on. Those gloves are too much involved in her excitement to drive. She has been overcome, for the past two days, by the thought of them and how sporty and fine she’ll look with her hands on the wheel. Her hair flying in the wind behind her, a cape of midnight darker than even the night around them.

How glamorous! And irresistable she’ll seem, even more so than she always does, if that’s possible. She regards Douglas, her expression pleasant and juxtaposed against the frost in her eyes, “Don’t tell me you get car sick, Douglas.” If he does, she just might abandon him right there, rather than follow him by portkey, or have him ruin her butterscotch seats. Her heart’s too much set on the idea of herself in the car with her gloves on. She imagines the jittering men and smirking women, their admiring gazes warm against her skin.

Rather than answer her, he gapes at her. His grey eyes wide and striking enough to remind her why she allowed him into her company. “My name is Harold.”

“What is that, Henry?” she asks, his voice lost beneath the engines hum and her own delight. As the car takes off at a terrible speed, he forgets himself and what he means to say. He clutches the dashboard instead. Her smile is serene. His yelps escalate as the vehicle slips off the Manhattan Bridge. The East River swallows them whole, and Antonella peers at the sickly sea life swimming around their bubble.

“How can you call yourself a wizard, Henry? Everything shocks and upsets you.” Ilvermorny must be a poor institution indeed. “It’s almost as if you’ve never been in an enchanted vehicle before.”

“You upset me,” he gasps.

Before she can reply, the car begins to sing, a sweet thrilling blues melody, and Antonella crows along with it, their voices clear and lovely above Douglas’s frantic complaints. The night looks full of possibilities. She can tilt the car just so and shake Douglas out into the blue beyond. (Cruel? Perhaps, but how cruel was he, to bore her so?) She can find someone beautiful and sink with them into the Atlantic. Laugh and drink at the intimate gathering. Laugh and drink at the frenzy behind her, instead, and fill those muggles’ hearts with unexpected rapture. Swim with the sharks. Make love beneath the moon. Or any number of pleasures, as yet undiscovered. How good to be alive. How good to be Antonella.

Extras

Mockblog.​Edits.​Playlist.

[arrowheadproductions]

The Harpies & Aristaeus

After the stable scene, Coach Hedge subjects the seven to an unexpected lesson that is somehow more awkward than it sounds.

No Archive Warnings Apply- Rated T

Relationship(s): Annabeth Chase/Percy Jackson, Hazel Levesque/Frank Zhang, Jason Grace/Piper McLean, Jason Grace & Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase & Piper McLean, Percy Jackson & Hazel Levesque, Leo Valdez & Frank Zhang, Coach Hedge & Everyone

Characters: Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase, Piper McLean, Jason Grace, Frank Zhang, Hazel Levesque, Leo Valdez, Coach Hedge, Athena (Percy Jackson)

                                                                                                           Read on Ao3

If you were ever curious how to piss off an over-enthusiastic, bat-wielding satyr, I could provide you with a proper step-by-step. It really isn’t that hard for someone of my expertise, because evidently, I am incredibly gifted in the art of frustrating people. Annabeth will vouch for this since she’s made a point of letting me know for the past 6 years. Any of my foes of past and present could probably give a similar reference, but with more bias to their reasoning.

Anyway, back to satyrs that are taking their chaperoning job way too seriously:

        Step 1: Sneak out after curfew at the beck and call of your beautiful/amazing girlfriend.

        Step 2: Fall asleep.

        Step 3: Get caught sleeping beside your beautiful/amazing girlfriend.

So now, thanks to the biggest misunderstanding in modern history (I’m sure Annabeth would normally have a tragic Greek tale about a grander example of miscommunication, but I doubt she’d dispute me now), we’re grounded. I haven’t been grounded in forever. To be fair, I’d been missing for a while and just before that I was kind of thrust into almost dying in the second Titan War, but I’m a good kid regardless.

I don’t regret spending the time with Annabeth, because it’d been forever since we’ve had a moment alone. My heart pattered when I thought about how she didn’t scare when I mentioned the idea of New Rome. It upgraded to full-scale pounding when I pictured the way she’d kissed me shortly after and how it still made me feel like I was floating.

Frank found and alerted the media, because apparently everyone was pretty worked up over the idea of losing us. I mean, I do have a record of going missing and losing my memory now so I can’t say I blame them for the concern. Their tunes completely changed when they saw us sprawled across the clear door cuddling. Frank seemed pretty embarrassed, which probably would have been closer to my response too if I walked in on Hazel and him like that. Piper smiled like a Cheshire cat for reasons beyond me. Whatever it was, it made Annabeth super uncomfortable whenever she looked at her pointedly. Jason seemed pretty indifferent, if not relieved he wasn’t in my shoes. Leo was relentless as if a day ago I hadn’t almost attacked him when I thought he set the canons off on Camp Jupiter.

Coach Hedge was as scary as I’d feared, but I wouldn’t say that to Annabeth. I don’t think I needed to, because she rolled her eyes when she looked over at me while we were chastised. There wasn’t much heat in it though, which told me that maybe she didn’t regret getting caught either. You could tell she’d been through a lot, too much, in these past 6 months. She barely even hesitated as he laid into us with threats of contacting our parents. While I half-expected Athena to storm our ship, scoop me up, hang me, and turn me into a flag, I was more afraid of the idea of Coach Hedge calling my mom. My mom has made it really clear that she does not want any grandbabies yet.

I thought we were safe from humiliating punishment until that night, Coach called for a group meeting. Leo said we’d never actually done that before on Argo II, so I knew something was up. It had just been an incredibly long day of near-death experiences so the fact that Annabeth and I dozed off was so far from my brain. As she laced her hands through mine while we walked from the lower cabin to the upper deck, it seemed to be far from her mind too.

It should have tipped me off that everyone was sitting towards Coach like he was performing a one-man show. Gods, I would imagine his singing voice would be on par with Chuck Norris and Dog the Bounty Hunter, just like the rest of his personality.

He set down a whiteboard on an easel and I could tell Annabeth was immediately cued in. My girlfriend is such a Brainiac and while ADHD like the rest of the demigods, her attentions were always easily grasped through organized visual aid, especially when it was educational. She looked cute when she was learning. She looked cute all of the time, because duh, it’s Annabeth, but her eyes get super focused and she leans forward a bit, occasionally nibbling on her lip.

I, on the other hand, am not taken with graphs or statistics the way I am with her. Whenever she feels the need to recite whatever he said, I’ll listen much more carefully from her. She must have felt my gaze, because I’m being far from discrete. Being away from her for all of that time, even if it was really only a few weeks for me, made me want to capture every detail of her and force myself to save it in safe keeping.

I thought she was going to smack me for zoning out so badly, but her face goes a little dumbfounded at whatever Coach is preaching and then her gray eyes flash to me in… Horror? Oh Gods, what did I miss?

She gently reaches out and turns my head to face the very red and very sweaty Coach Hedge, who looks the opposite of happy at me (or someone directly behind me). It takes me up until that moment to see everyone else is looking at me too, except they seem mad too, which is weird.

“Jackson!” He hollered and that brings me back to reality at a crashing rate.

It’s probably useless to say I was listening and play along.

“I was listening.” Stupid.    

His nostrils flared. “Tell me what I just said.”

I had one of those typical Percy Jackson moments. You know, the ones that make everyone around me gasp at my superior intellect and amazing capability of remaining hyper aware at all costs.

“Uh… Duh…?”

“Smooth.” Annabeth muttered.

“That’s what I thought.” He barked. “If you don’t get your head out of your bungle hole right now, I’m going to tie you to your mattress, so you can’t have another infraction like last night’s ever again.”

“Why don’t you leave that to Annabeth?” Leo snickered cheekily.

I felt my face turning hot while Annabeth gave Leo one of her trademark glares that sent him sliding into his seat to avoid her gaze. Coach didn’t seem impressed by the comment either, because he hovered over Leo and resembled an exploding bottle of ketchup.

“I would hold my tongue if I were you, Valdez. This talk is for all of you little horn-balls. I should expect this from the child of Aphrodite-”

“-Hey!” Piper said indignantly.

He powered on. “But since Annabeth Chase has been dirtied up, it can likely happen to any of you. So, that’s why we need to take a moment from all of this world-ending business and move onto a different kind of life-or-death.”

The glare he sent me when he said “dirtied up” made me want to sleep with my eyes open tonight. Or you know, forever.

“I have not been dirtied up!” Annabeth snapped. I admired her bravery, but we’d already gone in circles about how nothing even happened, and no one believed us. At this point, Coach Hedge was going to trust a son of Hermes not-guilty plea of pick-pocketing over us.      

“Oh really, I know your mother wouldn’t be pleased about your recent deeds.”    

“We didn’t-”

“-Save it!”

I could feel myself sweating and could practically hear my own heartbeat in my ears. The implication behind all of this was uncomfortable at best, even if we had been innocent. It was no secret that Annabeth was born from Athena, who was one of the Maiden Goddesses. In other words, she never biologically produced kids. While Aphrodite was definitely sex-positive when it came to her children, Athena was… Not. She saw more important values than love like battle strategies or instilling constant fear into her daughter’s boyfriend.

“Anyway, it’s time that I have a little talk with you kids. Nobody else seems to have so it’s up to me.”

Everyone around me got super pale and started stammering in disagreement. Me? I was just confused and trying to hide it. I mean, I can’t say I enjoy long conversations with Coach Hedge, but this had to be better than having to sleep outside in the rain or sharing a room with him, right?  

“Why should we have to sit through this?” Frank stumbled over his words and wouldn’t look at Hazel.

“Because I am becoming very aware that you folks seem to think this is a romantic couple’s cruise and I will be having none of it.”

“I am not part of a couple.” Leo pointed out.

“Yeah, but don’t think I haven’t noticed the goo-goo eyes you’ve been making at Miss Levesque here.”

Gods, it looked like Frank was wishing his eyes were snipers by the way he was glaring at Leo. Leo seemed very aware of this and once again sunk down in his seat in an ill attempt to become less of a target. His rescue came in the form of Hazel placing a hand on Frank’s bicep. He looked down at her and calmed down almost immediately. I’m usually the last guy to notice this kind of thing, but maybe being in love has sort of made me more attune to other people in love.

“This ship will not become the playboy mansion!” Coach emphasized this point by referring to a poster with the word “sex” scratched over with red slashes. “So, in order to stop this, I’m going to give you the talk my old man gave me: The Harpies and Aristaeus.”

“So, looking at ugly harpies made you swear off sex?”

Everyone groaned. I bet some of them were wishing they’d never picked me up in the first place, because I was still lost. Coach Hedge looked like he was about 3 seconds from chucking his clipboard at me.

Annabeth smacked my shoulder and was glaring at me with that “can you be more stupid” look in her stormy eyes. A deep blush clung to her cheeks and the back of her neck and if she didn’t already look mad enough to throw me overboard, I might have commented on how cute it was.

Still, she clarified. “Aristaeus is a minor God that is a protector of many arts, Percy. A big one is bee-keeping."

"How is bee-keeping an art?"

Thunder rolled in the distance.

"Sorry." I murmured and tried to put the pieces together.

The bee keeper? That still sounded lame. And what did that have to do with harpies?

        The harpies and the bee keeper.

        The ugly bird people and the bees.

        The birds and the- oh crap.

Needless to say, I felt dread. Like, titan-fighting dread. I couldn’t bring myself to look anywhere near Annabeth’s direction as it dawned on me. My sense of panic must have translated to the outside, because Coach seemed much smugger than he had been earlier. My tongue seemed to swell in my mouth and my face definitely invented its own shade of magenta for the occasion.  Everyone else looked pretty stiff too, but it was hard to believe anyone could be more awkward than me about this kind of thing.

“I had that talk with my mom… A while ago.” I tried, and it was true. It was painful then, but something told me hearing it from a big and loud half-goat with my girlfriend right beside me was going to be infinitely worse.

“Well, if you’re such an expert, you’re going to point out and name every part of the female reproduction system.”

Right then, I wished that maybe, just maybe, Gaia would rise early so I wouldn’t have to live through this. Wow, super selfish and absorbed, I know, but you have to understand that this is basically akin to slow and brutal torture. And I have been tortured before.

Gaia is spiteful and probably saw this as a lovely little way to prolong suffering.

The diagrams were awful and graphic. Coach wasn’t exactly a stand-up comedian, so he wasn’t joking about me having to point out and name every part of the female anatomy. I was wrong about almost all of it, but I couldn’t give the legitimate terms for the parts of the male anatomy either, I swear.

“Is this thing upside down?” I asked at one point.

“Poor Annabeth.” Murmured Piper to Jason, who looked just as dumbstruck and confused as me. Annabeth had her head in her hands out of pure mortification and I was wondering if the entire purpose of this exercise was to embarrass me so much that my girlfriend would never want to so much as touch me ever again, let alone do anything resembling sex.

“Poor Annabeth, indeed.” Coach Hedge agreed after shouting at me for getting the term “clitoris” wrong for the third (or was it fourth?) time.

“Why does Annabeth even need to know this? Doesn’t she just have brain babies like Athena? I mean… Can she have kids the normal way?” Leo asked.

She scowled. “I can’t have brain children and even if I could, it would require an impossibly strong connection of intelligence.”      

Everyone simultaneously turned back to me and Jason clicked his tongue. “Yeah, I guess that’s out of the question.”

“Hey!” I protested.

Consent was talked about, which shouldn’t have surprised me considering how many gross people live in the world. I guess I was just surprised that any sane person would be able to sleep at night knowing they’d just totally broken someone’s trust in mankind in such a violating way.

“NO MEANS NO!” He yelled over and over again. “MAYBE MEANS NO! MAYBE NOT MEANS NO! YES IS YES AND THAT IS ALL THERE IS TO IT.”

But it wasn’t, because he started grilling us on situations where consent was properly given. I passed this was flying colors, because honestly, I’m the kind of person that usually needs intense verification to do much of anything. You saw how long it took for me to admit I liked Annabeth. I know I am not always good with subtleties.

I glanced over at her, who also didn’t seem the least bit worried about this part. I gently took her hand and hoped that it reminded her that I would never hurt her.

Coach went on to explain protection, which seemed like it would be the most mild portion of this TED talk, but when he handed all of us bananas and condoms, I knew it was going to be bad.

“This seems excessive.” Hazel laughed nervously, which made sense since she’s not exactly from a time where even talking about this stuff is the norm. I can’t say I was too comfortable either. Plus, I was pretty perturbed about the fact that while everyone else had a full-sized banana, Annabeth had been given half of a carrot.

“I ran out of bananas.” Coach tried to justify but wasn’t fooling anyone.

“Sure.” I grumbled.

“If you don’t know how to put on a condom, you will die.”

Piper smirked. “Nice Mean Girls reference.”

We spent the next half hour explaining Mean Girls to him while simultaneously trying to take this fun little meeting off the rails. It worked a little bit and Coach even seemed to enjoy some of the smart remarks made in the movie, but he’d apparently drank a lot of persistence juice before calling us together so he was not being shaken from his original purpose.      

It turned into a contest at who could put it on the quickest and the most secure. Annabeth was the first to accomplish this feat, but again, she had the smallest and most slender object to work with. I didn’t do as badly as Leo or Frank, who kept dropping the banana.

“It’s not really staying on.” Annabeth murmured and wouldn’t look at me.

Leo snickered. “Poor Annabeth again.”

This time, she thumped him upside the head and I would be remiss to say I didn’t support the reaction.

“Valdez, I’d hold your judgment since you can’t even seem to finish.”

I laughed this time.

Coach realized we were all having a little too much fun with this exercise and went on to explain the intricacy of orgasms, both male and female. I felt my stomach lurching again, especially as he was clearly trying to dispel any positive thoughts from the girls’ minds by harping over the fact that guys our age do not last long in bed. I was trying to find other stuff to focus on, like the impending mortal threats that were coming our way, but he kept reeling me back in by using me as an example.

“Take Jackson, here--”      

“Please don’t.”

This didn’t stop him. “Someone of his anxiousness and stupidity would have no idea how to pleasure a woman. He’s better suited at maneuvering the Labyrinth than the vagina. He proved that earlier.”

“Thanks for that.”

“I can promise you, that the 15 seconds will not be worth it. And that applies to all of you boys.”

Needless to say, it got a lot worse before it got better. Frank was asked what the best way to prevent teenage pregnancy was, was given the hint that it started with an “A”, and then panicked and said “anal” instead of abstinence. Hazel took a solid 4 steps away from him then and I thought the big guy was going to throw up. Jason, Hazel, and I were then given a nice chat about how if we had children, they would be so powerful that there would be a quorum about whether or not they should even live. Leo asked if it was possible that he would accidentally light a girl on fire mid intercourse. The answer was yes. Annabeth was the only one born of a virgin Goddess present, so of course the majority of her segment focused on “purity” and “clear-thinking” and also the mention of her mother’s intense disapproval.

She’d told me about how her mom already claimed she failed her and I could see her flinch at the idea of failing her further, but then unexpectedly, her gaze turned to a hard steel.

“Hold on a second,” She said angrily, and I knew that look. I’ve been on the other side of that look many a time. She gave me that look a lot in our time of knowing each other, especially when I was being dumb about whether or not she liked me/whether or not I should admit I liked her.      

“What is it, Chase?” He asked gruffly.      

“This is ridiculous.” She snapped. “How is virginity, which isn’t even a physical or tangible thing, something that could possibly increase or decrease my value as a human being?”

“Well…” He started, but she didn’t let him continue.

“If Percy and I have sex, does that make him a terrible person and me dirty? Because that’s how you made it sound earlier.”

Hearing it point blank like that almost made me swallow my tongue and frankly, made my heart race a bit more than I’d ever admit.

“Not on my-” He was going to say “watch”, but she pushed onward with confidence akin to when she’s marching into battle.

“We talked about consent earlier, so clearly you understand the concept of it being my body and my choice at what I want to do with it. So tell me, how is sex more deplorable than going on life-threatening quests that could potentially rip me limb from limb? How is that encouraged, but something that is so biologically basic and innate is considered irredeemable? Do I suddenly become less if I decide I want to feel human every once in a while?”

“You don’t want to get-”

“-Pregnant, I know, and you’re right. I don’t right now, but I’m not exactly an idiot. There are ways of preventing that as we talked about earlier. That is all this should be about, though. Preventing pregnancy, preventing STI’s/STDs, consent, understanding the body, etc. Not guilt about a very natural and human experience. Given the lives we’ve lived, I’d say we deserve it.”

My mouth hung open like the hinges of my jaw had broken and I was left with an open cavern for a mouth for the rest of my life. I tried to shy away from Coach’s shocked stare as if to say, “don’t look at me, I didn’t tell her to say that”, but I couldn’t. I agreed with Annabeth, of course, because she should be the one to get to decide what she does. She’s proven herself capable of that more than a billion times.

I met her gaze while she sat back down and she closed my mouth for me, the smallest remnants of a smile lingering on her lips. Her stare was… hard to read, but I couldn’t seem to stop looking at her. Everyone else seemed to follow my lead, with Jason whistling slightly in approval of her tangent, Piper looking like she wanted to fist-bump her, Hazel smiled cautiously, Frank seemed relieved she shut Hedge up, and Leo looked a little scared and a little aroused.

Hedge cleared his throat as he muttered the words “meeting adjourned” roughly under his breath. Everyone made their move to get away from each other as quickly as possible. We could all probably use a moment to ourselves after that utter humiliation. In the end, Hedge ended up getting the short end of the carrot, so that was semi satisfying.

Annabeth and I walked to our respective quarters in silence and my mind raced on whether or not there was a good thing to say right now. What was appropriate for this moment?

        "Thanks for stopping him before he got to sex toys."

        "I literally cannot stop sweating right now."

        "FYI: mine isn't the size or color of a small carrot."

Thankfully, she spoke. However, when she did, I couldn’t have seen it coming if it was right in front of my face.

“Do you ever think of me like that?” It was so rushed and abrupt that I’m not totally sure she even meant to say it.

I swallowed hard, but I knew if I didn’t answer quickly enough she was either going to get offended or annoyed and I didn’t want either right now after she’d basically saved us all from having to sign anti-pregnancy pacts.

“Sometimes.” I tried to make it sound casual, like I wasn’t a horny, sex-obsessed teenage boy that spent all of him time ogling his girlfriend. I definitely ogled at her, but not like she was an object or anything. She’s just insanely beautiful. Truthfully, I always felt lucky she’d have me in any capacity and didn’t really register that she might want me in that way. Also, I’m usually busy thinking about simple things like food or whether or not I’m going to die painfully in battle. But the thought occurred to me on occasion. Like when we go swimming and she’s climbing out of the water in a bikini or when she sits on my lap and wriggles around a little too much.

The time we made out in the strawberry fields and she placed my hand under her shirt made all the blood leave my brain just thinking about it.

“You?” I asked.

“Sometimes.” She affirmed and looked away and it was obvious in the dim lighting of the hallway that she was blushing again. I couldn’t help but wonder when in Hades she saw me like that, because I’m not exactly smooth. That didn’t mean I wasn’t grateful she did.

“So…” I rocked back and forth on my heels. “You… Want to? Someday? Not today. Obviously not today, but at some point in our lives you want to-”

Thanks, the Gods almighty, because she cut me off from that embarrassing tangent with a kiss. I felt myself relax against her immediately, because she wasn’t totally repulsed by me after both my inability to correctly label the female anatomy or my stupid tendency to make things more awkward somehow. Her fingers threaded in my hair and she tugged a little bit out of satisfaction. My hands found their usual residence on her waist. Her tongue slipped into my mouth and she smiled against my mouth when I inadvertently moaned in response. We stayed like that for a while, her tangling her fingers in my hair while pressing me against the door of my cabin, my hands playing with the loops of her jean shorts, everything seeming impossibly right with the world.

She pulled back and looked at me through sparkling eyes that danced with a knowingness that I will probably never fully understand or stop appreciating. She gently tapped her fingers along the back of my neck in a light drumming movement. She leaned up and kissed me again, this time chaste, which was probably for the best since Coach Hedge would likely be doing some kind of inspection soon.

“We’ll get there.” She smiled, and I wondered if she could feel my heart doing jumping jacks in my chest cavity. “Soon.”

Soon.

She opened the door to her cabin and winked at me before leaving me to the influx of thoughts that decided to attack my brain all at once, leaving me standing there like a big dumb idiot. I wouldn't even have been surprised if I ended up standing here all night out of shock and... Anticipation? She was always going to be miles ahead of me, but I was more than okay with that.

[dfroza]

Today’s reading from the ancient book of Proverbs and book of Psalms

for july 24 of 2021 with Proverbs 24 and Psalm 24, accompanied by Psalm 35 for the 35th day of Summer and Psalm 55 for day 205 of the year (now with the consummate book of 150 Psalms in its 2nd revolution this year)

[Proverbs 24]

[Wisdom’s Warning]

Don’t envy the wealth of the wicked or crave their company.

For they’re obsessed with causing trouble

and their conversations are corrupt.

Wise people are builders—

they build families, businesses, communities.

And through intelligence and insight

their enterprises are established and endure.

Because of their skilled leadership,

the hearts of people are filled with the treasures of wisdom

and the pleasures of spiritual wealth.

Wisdom can make anyone into a mighty warrior,

and revelation-knowledge increases strength.

Wise strategy is necessary to wage war,

and with many astute advisers

you’ll see the path to victory more clearly.

Wisdom is a treasure too lofty for a quarreling fool—

he’ll have nothing to say when leaders gather together.

There is one who makes plans to do evil—

Master Schemer is his name.

If you plan to do evil, it’s as wrong as doing it.

And everyone detests a troublemaker.

If you faint when under pressure,

you have need of courage.

Go and rescue the perishing! Be their savior!

Why would you stand back and watch them stagger to their death?

And why would you say, “But it’s none of my business”?

The one who knows you completely and judges your every motive

is also the keeper of souls—and not just yours!

He sees through your excuses and holds you responsible

for failing to help those whose lives are threatened.

Revelation-knowledge is a delicacy,

sweet like flowing honey that melts in your mouth.

Eat as much of it as you can, my friend!

For then you will perceive what is true wisdom,

your future will be bright,

and this hope living within you will never disappoint you.

Listen up, you wicked, irreverent ones—

don’t harass the lovers of God

and don’t invade their resting place.

For the lovers of God may suffer adversity

and stumble seven times,

but they will continue to rise over and over again.

But the unrighteous are brought down by just one calamity

and will never be able to rise again.

Never gloat when your enemy meets disaster,

and don’t be quick to rejoice if he falls.

For the Lord, who sees your heart,

will be displeased with you and will pity your foe.

Don’t be angrily offended over evildoers or be agitated by them.

For the wicked have no life and no future—

their light of life will die out.

My child, stand in awe of Yahweh!

Give counsel to others,

but don’t mingle with those who are rebellious.

For sudden destruction will fall upon them

and their lives will be ruined in a moment.

And who knows what retribution they will face!

[Revelation from the Wise]

Those enlightened with wisdom have spoken these proverbs:

Judgment must be impartial,

for it is always wrong to be swayed by a person’s status.

If you say to the guilty, “You are innocent,”

the nation will curse you and the people will revile you.

But when you convict the guilty,

the people will thank you and reward you with favor.

Speaking honestly is a sign of true friendship.

Go ahead, build your career and give yourself to your work.

But if you put me first, you’ll see your family built up!

Why would you be a false accuser and slander with your words?

Don’t ever spitefully say, “I’ll get even with him!

I’ll do to him what he did to me!”

One day I passed by the field of a lazy man,

and I noticed the vineyards of a slacker.

I observed nothing but thorns, weeds, and broken-down walls.

So I considered their lack of wisdom,

and I pondered the lessons I could learn from this:

Professional work habits prevent poverty from becoming

your permanent business partner. And:

If you put off until tomorrow the work you could do today,

tomorrow never seems to come.

The Book of Proverbs, Chapter 24 (The Passion Translation)

[Psalm 24]

A song of David.

The earth and all that’s upon it belong to the Eternal.

The world is His, with every living creature on it.

With seas as foundations and rivers as boundaries,

He shaped the continents, fashioned the earth.

Who can possibly ascend the mountain of the Eternal?

Who can stand before Him in sacred spaces?

Only those whose hands have been washed and hearts made pure,

men and women who are not given to lies or deception.

The Eternal will stand close to them with blessing and mercy at hand,

and the God who redeems will right what has been wrong.

These are the people who chase after Him;

[like Jacob, they look for the face of God].

[pause]

City gates—open wide!

Ancient doors—stand back!

For the glorious King shall soon pass your way.

Who is the glorious King?

The Eternal who is powerful

and mightily equipped for battle.

City gates—open wide!

Ancient doors—stand back!

For the glorious King shall soon pass your way.

Who is the glorious King?

The Eternal, Commander of heaven’s army,

He is the glorious King.

[pause]

The Book of Psalms, Poem 24 (The Voice)

[Psalm 35]

A song of David.

Make a case against those who struggle with me, Eternal One.

Battle against those who battle against me.

Be my shield and protection;

stand with me and rescue me!

Draw the spear and javelin

to meet my pursuers.

Reassure my soul and say,

“I will deliver you.”

Shame and dishonor those ruthless enemies

who wish to end my life.

Turn back those who conspire against me,

defeated and humiliated!

Let them be separated from the righteous as chaff is separated from the grain,

blown by the wind,

driven far, far away by the Eternal’s messenger.

Make their way unsure and dangerously dark,

a gauntlet of gloom

chased through the darkness by the Eternal’s messenger.

For no reason at all, they set a trap for me—a net, a snare—

then, without cause, they disguised a pit to capture my soul—another cowardly snare.

May they be surprised by their own destruction.

May they become tangled in their own net

and fall into the pit which they, themselves, dug.

When that day comes, my soul will celebrate the Eternal

and be glad in His salvation.

Every fiber of my being will shout,

“Eternal One, there is none like You!

You save the poor

from those who try to overpower them

and rescue the weak and the needy from those who steal from them.”

False witnesses step forward;

they ask me strange questions for which I have no answers.

When I do good to them, they do evil to me,

bringing misery to my soul.

When they were sick,

I mourned for them and wore sackcloth;

I chose to humble myself by fasting.

But my prayers came back unanswered.

So I mourned more deeply as if I grieved for my brother or friend;

I went around bowed down by sorrow, dressed in black,

as if I were weeping for my mother.

But when I stumbled, they gathered together

and celebrated my fall with joy;

People attacked me when I wasn’t expecting it;

they slandered me with no end.

Like godless mockers at a festival,

their words tore at me.

Lord, how long will You do nothing but watch?

Save me from their evil assaults, plots, and plunder;

rescue my life from these hungry beasts, these ruthless lions!

Then I will praise You and thank You at the great gathering,

in the company of the entire congregation.

Do not allow my enemies to boast at my expense,

for they despise me without any cause—

yet they wink at me—malicious, taunting winks.

Their words have no ring of peace.

They plan evil rumors and incriminations

against those who live peacefully in the land.

They speak lying accusations against me;

they say, “Aha! Aha! We know what you’ve been up to.

We’ve seen it with our own eyes!”

You have seen what’s happening, Eternal One; don’t remain silent!

Lord, do not stay far away from me!

Wake up; come to my defense!

Fight for me, my Lord and my God!

Pass Your judgment, Eternal One, my True God;

do it by the standards of Your righteousness.

Do not allow my enemies to boast over me.

Do not allow them to gloat over me,

“Aha, we have won! We got what we wanted!”

Do not allow them to brag,

“We chewed him up and spit him out.”

Shame and confuse those who celebrate my suffering;

may those who exalt themselves above me be covered with shame—

wrapped in a cloak of dishonor!

As for those who desire my vindication,

may they be joyful and glad.

May they forever say,

“The Eternal is indeed great!

He takes pleasure when good things happen to His servant!”

That’s why I will speak of Your righteousness

and sing praises to You all day long.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 35 (The Voice)

[theintuitivewildflower]

Seven Events One May Experience When Choosing to Pursue a Calling

Soul Awakening Series

SEVEN EVENTS ONE MAY EXPERIENCE WHEN CHOOSING TO PURSUE A CALLING

Soul Awakening Series

I want to speak from my heart and ask; have you opened the door to your soul purpose? 

Is there a hurt you haven’t healed and you wonder why you keep hurting other people in your attempts to move on?

Hurt people hurt people, this is fact! There are so many of us wandering around in victim mentality! We ALL have these thorns we walk around with; the hurt, the pain, the guilt, the shame and all those things we try to keep low profile, beneath the surface! 

Then we go out and live life and expect no one to bump into our thorns because they hurt!!! HEALING, MY FRIENDS, IS DECIDING TO TAKE THE THORNS OUT SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THOSE BUMPS THAT CAUSE YOUR PAIN TO BEGIN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!

Healing involves reopening old wounds, yes!! However, it’s a once and for all type of strategy! It is so worth it! Today I ask you this.....................

IT IS TIME TO DECIDE!! COMPLACENCY OR CLARITY?

It is no life wandering around warning people by saying something like...”Hey, watch out, I have a thorn there! Don’t touch it!!” or “Don’t go there with me”

WELL, I’M GOING THERE!

 I CHALLENGE YOU TO REOPEN THAT WOUND YOU DIDN’T LET FULLY HEAL; IT’S TIME TO REMOVE YOUR THORNS!!!

Just before my second dark night of the soul experience began, this past December 2017, I picked up a book that I’d read years ago to, reread it. I believe very much in synchronicity signs and I like to think that me coming across this book just before my life began imploding on itself again, was a synchronicity sign; God and Universe collaborating to get me prepared for bumps in the road and to keep focused on the end goal of fulfilling my purpose. 

 In ‘The Dream Giver’ by Bruce Wilkinson, the main character “Ordinary” leaves the land of familiar to follow his dreams. Along the way he experiences many obstacles, naysayers, fear and then a dark night process in which he faces and  encounters bullies, giants and the feelings of self-doubt along the way. He also finally takes some time to be quiet and have a one on one with God when he finally realizes his purpose is more important than the fear or the pain felt while pursuing his calling! Ordinary was meant to be extraordinary!!

I quickly realized that this is the story of one’s awakening to their purpose as I read the book for the second time over a decade after the first read.  I am  remembering points from the first time I had read the book, pre-awakening, about 11 years ago. This time, post-awakening, I recognized “Ordinary’s” struggles, fears, pain, and one on one with God; as his dark night of the soul! That is really what a dark night of the soul is; your one on one with Source, God, your higher power, higher self, God-within; whatever you call it, it’s all the same thing. 

The author discusses the fact that throughout the Bible there is a pattern that is repeated when one answers their calling. You can get this best seller on amazon of course. Here is the link to their library of self-development books and audios! http://amzn.to/2G3WKRp

“In almost every instance they:

1.Become aware of a personal Dream or calling, then decide to pursue it.(Awakening to a calling, longing or purpose!)

2.Face fear as they leave a place of comfort.(Pushing self to the limits, major personal growth)

3. Encounter opposition from those around them. (Bullies, judgmental family/friends/associates, animosity)

4. Endure a season of difficulty that tests their faith. (Dark night of the soul, friends fall off, overwhelmed, fear, having to take ownership and accountability of mistakes, hurts and own role in wrong turns taken.)

5. Learn the importance of surrender and consecration to God. (learn to be still and listen)

6. giants that stand before them and the fulfillment of their dreams.(naysayers, haters, family, fake or fair weather friends, animosity...)

7. Reach their full potential as they achieve their Dream and bring honor to God. ……not to block our Dream but to help us break through to the fulfillment God promises.

Notice in the patterns above, what you must face before you ever complete your journey. 

When you embrace your purpose you can expect opposition, fear, difficulties, bullies,having to surrender, a fight against your personal giants; this is your dark night. I know first hand that when you mention “ awakening” and people look at you cross-eyed or start calling you names like granola or star child; this fear of what other’s think is often the reason people reject their own calling. They want to be perceived as normal! 

********note to self********forget about being normal! Your calling is ONLY going to feel normal to YOU! It’s your calling! YOU were made for it AND furthermore, 

If you meet with your dark night of the soul experience try to remember it’s a process and you are being sharpened for battle, refined. You are being set up for a major comeback, a break through and blessings. This is your time to BE STILL AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE! THIS IS YOUR ONE ON ONE CONVERSATION WITH GOD! BE PRESENT IN THAT MOMENT AND LISTEN. IF YOU CAN PUSH THROUGH YOUR FEAR AND EMBRACE THIS PART OF THE PROCESS; YOU WILL GAIN CLARITY YOU NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE! SOLUTIONS, SYNCHRONICITY AND SIGNS WILL BECOME APPARENT AND LET YOU KNOW YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH, KEEP GOING! 

ONCE YOU EMBRACE RATHER THAN RESIST THE AWAKENING PROCESS; INCLUDING THESE DARK NIGHTS OF THE SOUL MOMENTS, IT WILL NO LONGER MATTER WHAT PEOPLE SAY, WHAT PEOPLE THINK OR WHAT PEOPLE PERCEIVE YOU TO BE! 

Why?

It’s hard work! Work only you can appreciate because it involves a calling unique only to you! You endured pain to get where you are! You reopened old hurts and wounds and did the personal growth work it takes to know who you are at your core! You triumphed over your tribulations! You evolved and you learned to love yourself! You learned to protect your energy, detoxify and de-clutter your life. You may even have been judged for choosing to pursue a dream, your purpose or calling but YOU, YOU PERSEVERED. 

Even though the process of  spiritually awakening was uncomfortable you saw enough worth in yourself to step out of the box of “normal” and create your own angles that are aligned with your soul purpose; what you were born to do! YOU OPENED THE DOOR TO YOUR SOUL! A DOOR MOST KEEP LOCKED UP TIGHT BECAUSE COMPLACENCY FEELS BETTER THAN BEING UNCOMFORTABLE! 

JUST BE YOU! BE TRUE AND BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED! THE DARK NIGHT CAN HAVE YOU FEELING LIKE YOU ARE BEING BURIED BUT IN FACT LOVELY, YOU HAVE BEEN PLANTED! PURPOSE HAS BEEN BORN FROM YOUR PAIN! EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED UP TO NOW HAS PREPARED YOU FOR THIS! 

 I was just beginning my awakening process; still thinking it’s all rainbows and light! It was a lesson learned when I realized that there was some darkness to deal with in the process too! Here came my first dark night and it had me looking like this.....

I was clueless and thought my world was spinning out of control! However, what I realize now is this;

I’M ONE OF THOSE STUBBORN GALS WHO HAS TO FIND OUR FOR HERSELF WHAT IS WHAT! I REJECTED THIS PROCESS BECAUSE IT HURT AND AS I MENTIONED BEFORE; IF WE DON’T MASTER A LESSON WHEN IT COMES OUR WAY, IT DOES COME BACK AROUND AGAIN, UNTIL WE DO! 

Therefore, my dark night was extreme! Universe kind of smacked me in the face with all the shit I needed to own up to and all the thorns in my side that I was refusing to remove! One of the reasons I share about this process is because I want people to choose their calling before they get smacked in the face with it and so no one waits as long as I did to listen to that voice inside that says we are made for more! WE ARE MADE FOR MORE!!

IN ADDITION, CARL JUNG , MY FAVORITE ANAYLYTICAL PSYCHOLOGIST BELIEVED THAT:

“WHAT WE RESIST, PERSISTS.” A PURPOSE AND CALLING IS THAT WAY, IT PERSISTS IN THE FORM OF THAT LONGING FOR THE MISSING PIECE!! RESIST YOUR AWAKENING AND DARK NIGHT PROCESS FOR TOO LONG AND GOD AND UNIVERSE WILL COLLABORATE AND SMACK YOU IN THE FACE WITH IT, ROPE YOU IN LIKE A CALF IN THE RODEO THEN, SIT YOU DOWN AND SHOW YOU WHAT IS WHAT! 

YOU REALLY CAN’T RUN FROM YOUR CALLING; IT BELONGS TO YOU ALONE! 

SO JUST LISTEN!! THE BEST ANSWERS ARE OFTEN HEARD IN SILENCE.

  IT’S TIME TO DITCH THE VICTIM MENTALITY. IT’S TIME TO EMPOWER YOURSELF AND HEAL! IT IS TIME YOU BECAME THE VICTOR INSTEAD OF THE VICTIM! IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BEGIN THRIVING INSTEAD OF MERELY SURVIVING! ARE YOU READY TO REMOVE THE THORNS YET??

Living in and losing myself to a 6 year toxic relationship had me mentally and emotionally living in survival mode. Subconsciously, it's what you do to get by and get through until you get out. Much like emotional abuse, you don't realize you have begun living in survival mode. It just happens right along with the abuse you don't realize is happening. They go together, abuse and survival mode. Even after the relationship was over I continued living in survival mode because it had become a habit by then. I was not living up to my potential! I had lost myself in the toxicity and was existing in complacency out of fear! I was afraid to lay my claim and take back my power! I was ashamed, humiliated, hurt, broken, depressed, broke!  I was carrying around so many thorns it was painful even for others to be around me, I believe. Hurt people hurt people and so without healing, my thorns were just hurting me and preventing growth and they were also hurting those around me who I was shutting out. I had a wall up so high NO ONE could get in!! I thought that would keep me from more pain! 

Yet, a small voice always remained, reminding me that this was not the end of my story! The longing remained for me to find the missing piece to my puzzle; my life’s purpose!

We are really good at building barriers to protect our feelings aren't we. We can choose to ignore things, put them on the back burner and hope they just go away. We can avoid situations and people in hopes that the problem we are having with them just disappears. We can also talk ourselves right out of progress with negative self talk. You know, that's when we say to ourselves " I am not good enough, strong enough or smart enough to handle this situation, opportunity or relationship." We can place blame or accept blame that doesn't belong to us to avoid conflict. This only stirs up conflict within.We get in our own way a lot. Sometimes we don't even realize that we are the problem.  For example, we may be doing all we think we can to be our best self. We commit to growth and positive change, striving for balance in our lives. We may be thinking positively and for the most part working in a good energy and still on a higher frequency than those around us.However, something is usually holding us back. We know there is more in store for us that isn't manifesting the way we want it to. 

Q: What holds us back?

A: Our thorns

When we are holding on tight to things like; fear, blame, insecurity, hurt, pain, toxic people, grudges, vengeance and regret because we don't want to face it, we don't any free hands to welcome or grasp the goodness available to us.

When the wall we build to protect ourselves gets so high that nothing can get in it's so easy to get locked inside behind our wall with our excuses. C.G. Jung, the Bible, Socrates and Buddhist teachings universally teach us that "what we resist, persists." Think about that for a moment longer. What is it that you are resisting. What is your thorn? 

Whatever we fear we strengthen. We cant ignore things and ask for more things. We have to deal with what we have. If your trying to move past something ask yourself if you've accepted it yet. Only after you accept it can you let it go and release it.

In your mind is power; God-within, spirit-within. I encourage you today to tap into it.

Here is a small list of happenings I remember from the start of my awakening to the first dark night I experienced! I had a lot of thorns as you just read and then on top of that this .....:

...sudden decision to resign from job I was at for 6 years due to personal ethics not aligning with corporate policies and procedures. 

 .... full of great energy and then one day it was all gone... depression

....started to see past people’s masks, facades and fake ...could not tolerate lies or the facade sooooooo many in my life put on

....fake friends started to try to hurt me in various ways (it was as if I was hidden in plain sight; as if I was being SHOWN  that these people are NOT SERVING ANY PURPOSE IN MY LIFE, GROWTH OR PROGRESS....and while I was thankful to learn the truth it seemed to be another thorn added to my growing collection

....decluttering of fake friends led to old friends from past returning into my life in strange ways....also meeting new people that are more aligned with awakened folks ; ) They say these people are your soul tribe and come when you need them! I can think of 2 people that came to me this way! AMAZING AND RIGHT ON TIME!!! One of them is out of state and I’ve never met in person but she was my angel in the dark night and to this day is my SOUL SISTER! Lorrie McBride was live on facebook one night in an EMPATH support group and I was just pulled to her! I did not know why but there was something telling me to listen. I watched her whole live feed and then I contacted her!! Turns out our stories are almost identical! She seems to have experiences just before I have mine and the timeline is exact as far as life events. However, I seem to be following right behind her in the process. She heals from her experiences and that is when I seem to be forced to face mine in another dark night! Lorrie is a healer and it was synchronicity when we met, the way we met. 

Had I never vowed to listen to my intuition I never would have contacted Lorrie! This is how your soul tribe finds you! You declutter the toxic people to make room for better folks to come in!! The talk we had on the phone had me in tears and EMPOWERED ME  to embrace this process! From that day on I have been owning and embracing every season of life and Lorrie is still a part of my life and our pattern is still the same.....She is one of my angels on earth and one of the first kindred spirits that flowed to me during my dark night of the soul moment! 

🌻❤The universe will keep sending you the same lesson until you learn it. ❤🌻 Do you ever feel like you keep repeating history; noticing that you keep facing a similar challenge? Well, the universe will keep bringing the same lesson around until you have it mastered.  

Too many dances with devils was my problem! A lesson I have repeated over and over my whole life and am just now healed and evolved enough to know that these patterns stem from things in my childhood I had repressed!! I try to save everyone and I always see the beauty in the beast!  Not a bad quality if you can keep health boundaries. Healthy boundaries are only possible when we are fully healed!

The universe had to come back around and slap me in the face with it about 6 months ago because I was ignoring it, running from it; I was afraid to reopen an old wound to fully heal. I was afraid of who I would be if I took the thorns out! I was comfortable in victim mentality. 

 Now, I am facing it and changing it once and for all! I had so many thorns that two years later I am still removing them; but I’ve made progress! Many are healed and I’m now helping others to do the same; I AM FULFILLING MY PURPOSE!

 MY PURPOSE WAS BORN OUT OF MY PAIN!!

You can get this best seller and many other self-development reads on amazon of course. I hope you choose to embrace your journey! Here is the link to their library of self-development books and audios to help you along your way; my favorites will be there to view as well! http://amzn.to/2G3WKRp

ONE LOVE TO YOU ALL, I HOPE THIS EMPOWERED YOU IN SOME WAY! KARYN DEE #THEINTUITIVEWILDFLOWER

@adventuresofawildflower-blog

instagram.com/theintuitivewildflower

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[thewarriorwomanwithin]

Class 100

It’s been a while since I’ve logged on. Looking back at my first classes is insane to me. Since then, I have earned 3 stripes, taken my two stripe white belt test, and have been submitted, beaten, and bruised more times than I can count.

Below are some lessons I’ve learned over the months:

Study the Moves Before and After Class

I’m using Quizlet to go over terminology and review “what if” scenarios so I’m quicker during drills and rolling. I review these for maybe 15 minutes a day during my lunch break at work.

I’m also using my BJJ school’s available videos to watch each of the lessons for both fundamental classes and intermediate classes. I recommend going onto YouTube and checking out Chewjitsu, Kimberly Kinch, Gracie Breakdown, Realize BJJ Life, and IBJJF to start watching more BJJ content. They each have great tips and tricks for both on and off the mat.

Yoga is Your New Best Friend 

BJJ is tough on the body. I roll with guys twice my size, girls who are younger than me show no mercy, and the kids who are advanced enough take no prisoners. It is rough.

When you do so many uncomfortable positions and get slammed by friends and strangers alike for a half an hour, it tends to leave your body sore in places you didn’t even know existed.

I knew stretching would need to be a huge part of recovery, but I had an inkling with all of the stacking and the curling of the body, that yoga would need to be a part of my BJJ journey.

But let me tell you something: I hate yoga. It essentially is trying to get into a position and then staying there for a few breaths while you’re completely uncomfortable, wondering if you’re actually doing any of it right, before going onto the next move.

But the concepts of yoga and BJJ are very similar:

Both require you be at peace with the idea of “getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.” It should come as no surprise to anyone that this has always been a struggle for me.

Both require to have your breathing under control. You need to breathe in BJJ even as you’re being choked out by your partner just as you need to breathe in yoga when you’re doing some weird position with your leg above your head. I am not that flexible yet. I cannot do that weird position with your leg above your head.

So many of the yoga positions are the same as BJJ moves. See video above.

I recommend following a few channels like Yoga for BJJ and Breathe and Flow to get in some daily yoga.

Leave Your Ego at the Door

I have been doing BJJ since September 2019. I can honestly tell you that in the past week, I have managed to submit only once in the past nine months. And do you know why I was able to do that? Because I went to a fundamentals class and got placed with the lighter weights in the class. I submitted people who weren’t even seven days into their BJJ journey.

The rest of my time at BJJ is getting my ass kicked by people who have been doing wrestling or judo for years and then decided to come into the BJJ world, by men twice my size, and by women who are younger and fitter than I am.

It is humiliating. It is embarrassing. And there are days when I’m comparing myself to someone with one or two stripes, thinking, “Why can’t I be as good as them?”

And then I have to remind myself that that is my ego talking. Just because I have been on this journey for about nine months doesn’t mean anything. So what if they’re better than me? Who cares?

Everyone has a different BJJ journey. When I’m a blue or purple belt, I may still get submitted by a white belt. At the end of the day, my goal isn’t to be the best BJJ person in the gym. 

Define Your Goals

Like anything in life, having clear cut goals for yourself is key. I have some personal goals (learn Japanese, write for 20 minutes every day, don’t bite nails, get 10K steps every day) and professional goals (read 1 leadership blog every day, attend 1 webinar a week to improve skills, etc.). I also have BJJ goals.

I must admit, I have recently started doing this. Here are some of my goals:

Do forward roll properly. Yes, even after 100 classes, I still cannot do a forward roll. Four different instructors have tried to show me. Four. None have succeeded.

Show up to Saturday classes early and practice the moves I learned throughout the week.

Work on one move in particular each week and try to incorporate that into my rolling. For example, if I’m in someone’s closed guard and I need to break their guard, but I’m not good at breaking their guard, I’ll work on that move for the week.

If you need more ideas for your own goals, check out this blog and watch this video.

Just Keep Showing Up

No matter what, just keep going. It is important to commit yourself to being consistent week over week.

I have committed to at least 3 times a week, and I have pretty much kept up with that schedule. I’m trying to go more on weeks where I’m feeling great and don’t have much going on personally or professionally, but 3 times per week is the minimum for me.

I recommend writing down your commitment in your calendar and sticking to it. Try to be realistic––you most likely do not have time or energy to go 7 times a week as a beginner. Take it slow and commit to what you know you’ll stick to.

[hit-thekwanb4hehitsyou]

Oblivious - Taeyang

Pairing: Yoo Taeyang x Reader 

Summary: Where Taeyang is your dance instructor and asks for a private show.

Genre: Smut

Warning: thigh riding, lap dance, oral, fingering

Word Count: 11,597

Hello, this is the first smut I’ve ever posted, please take care of me!

“Okay but what do you do with your life?”

“Nothing, and that’s the way that I like it.”

“This is something fun we can do together as good pals do.”

“I’ll take a strong pass.”

Sitting in your cramped bedroom, you were stuck listening to the desperate sounds of your best friend. The two of you have always been close even though your personalities seem to be Polar Opposites. She was talkative, friendly, active, and involved. You on the other hand, like the intense silence and overwhelmingly exciting comfort of being alone.

All in all, though, you two never seemed to get sick of each other and resulted in a good match. You forced her to sit still and binge watch Harry Potter, while she dragged you out of your room and made you be a participating member of your community. Usually in a negative way... But participating all the same!

In your current situation, she was attempting to coerce you into yet another bad idea that you wanted absolutely no part of, a dance class.

“Y/N I’m a dancing queen and I have no rhythm. This class could be so fun and is obviously needed.”

“Then you should do it. Why do I have to be there?”

“Because I don’t want to go alone.”

“No.” You say final. Dancing, however cool it looked, was not an interest of yours. Strictly because why move when you could sit motionless in front of a screen?

“Just one class please? I just need to get comfortable and then I can go alone.” She asks giving you the saddest look. You couldn’t deny how weak you were to that face of desperation and your ability to extort her every move.

“Okay, but you are buying me food afterwards and we’ll finally have to sit through all of the Star Wars movies we can fit in one entire day.” You smile excitedly. A look of true horror and debate creeps onto her face and you laugh knowing you won. “So, when is the first class?”

“Oh, uh…” she looks at her phone, “About five minutes.”

You panic as you jump up out of your bed now leaving it looking more disarrayed than usual. You throw on the closest t-shirt and leggings you can and throw on an old pair of tennis shoes as you hurry out of the house to your car, with your irresponsibly tardy friend straggling behind you.

 ~

As you enter the building, you can’t help but notice how eerily clean it all seemed. It was buzzing with sound but completely empty in the main hall. The scent of floor soaps and sweat, which seem to you as a strange combination, fill the air leaving you with a sticky feeling.

You find the room you two were supposed to be in and quickly barge in. You see the class already started and sporadically put your items against the wall, trying to hurry up. The Ying to your Yang on the other hand was lollygagging behind you, trying to take in every detail of the damned space.

“let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” You try to rush her. You didn’t want to awkwardly walk over there by yourself and join in with all eyes only on you. She finally was ready and you pull her along to where the rest of the group was.

“Going along with this basic intro, we need to focus primarily on rhythms and knowing a beat.” A black-haired boy was speaking. He was very tall and had what you could say was a “sturdy” physique. The worst part about him, was his face. He was undeniably handsome. You were curious as to how this boy was leading the class. He couldn’t be much older than you and he had this kind of a job? “We are going to start some music and simply just step along with the beat. Afterwards we will see if you were able to keep up or not.”

Music begins to play and so you began to do as instructed.

One step, two step. One step, two step. One-

“Have you already stretched?” A voice said from behind you. You tensed up due to the shock of someone approaching you and the melodic sound of whoever’s voice it was.

“No sorry.” Your friend, who was to the right of you, said. “We are already late; can’t we just skip it for today?”

You hadn’t turned around yet in fear of that voice belonging to a hood rat and fear of it belonging to the most attractive God ever created.

You couldn’t tell which was worse.

Finally, you had the courage to peek behind you and you saw dark black hair, glimmering eyes and a bright smile that made your knees feel weak.

“What are your names?” He asks with the same smile but a tad wider somehow. He was wearing a white t-shirt that was too large to see his physique and grey sweatpants that made his height more prominent.

“You can call me Anytime.” Your friend says with a wink. You internally threw up at the horrible line but couldn’t muster up much else. You look down at your feet and smile to yourself, forgetting how awkward that must look. “And that embarrassment over there, is Y/N.” She finishes, rolling her eyes.

“Well Anytime, Y/N, we always stretch before practice, it’s an important part of the dance class itself.” He says with a light chuckle. It somehow found a way to vibrate through your chest and you could feel every syllable he spoke.

“It’s literally stepping right now. I’m not going to sprain anything stepping around.”

“It’s healthiest for your muscles.” Even though you knew your friend was being over-dramatic, the man never faltered from sounding kind. He could get through speaking with her, without sounding annoyed.

You can practically see the steam coming out of her ears and so you shot the boy a smile, grabbed her arm and made your way to the side. Before you can get there, the boy shifted his body in front of you with a step. You looked up at him and he bent down a bit to get eye level with you. His arms were crossed and seems to be studying you in a way.

“I’m Taeyang by the way.”

 ~

“Horrible, horrid, horrendous, humiliating, hell.” You were lying on your bed, food rappers from McDonald’s lying around your room and listening to the most hectic and pointless rant you’ve ever heard. It appears some rules they had, the patience needed and the lack of control was not Miss. Blabbermouth’s style. The dance class was deemed impossible.

“Don’t worry Y/N, we are never going back there. The boys were cute but man were they awful. So demanding and annoying as hell. Do that, they said. Do this, they said. That’s against our rules, they warned. ‘No, I will not teach you how to twerk to Despacito” they protested. It was such a big headache.”

You weren’t giving your full attention as she rambled on. You couldn’t stop thinking about that boy, Taeyang. You looked back on your meeting and felt a sudden burden on your shoulders from all that embarrassment. You pulled an Ariel and couldn’t speak to that sweet prince.

“I actually think I might go back.” You say. How could you not? And this time, none of that goofy business acting like a fool in front of him. You are a calm and collected person, you weren’t going to let one attractive boy ruin all the confidence you’ve ever earned.

“Why the fuck?” You’ve never seen a head whip that fast before. You were met with flaring eyes and nostrils. “Did I miss something when I was trying to shoot myself in that practice studio? Or did you? That thing sucked and you didn’t even want to go in the first place.”

“I changed my mind.”

“Please don’t tell me this is about that Tae-bang yourself guy, is it?”

“No! Sort of… Listen! It’s like you said, I have nothing else to do anyways.”

~

It turned out that you had practices Monday through Friday for three weeks until you had to pay for more lessons. The first couple of days you showed up and tried to just intensely work on what you were taught. There were a couple others in the class you met and seemed nice but no one you would talk to outside of the class. You learned that the tall boy you saw on the first day was named Rowoon. He was a nice guy that you had a great time teasing and joking around with. He would tease you right back and you had fun learning from him with a genuine smile on your face.

Taeyang on the other hand… He was the one thing that wasn’t clicking with you. You could get over your nerves and talk to him but he never seemed interested in you anymore than as his student. You couldn’t really complain, you wouldn’t expect him to see you as more and if anything, at least you were learning how to dance.

It was the beginning of the second week and you could feel the time being lost. Taeyang hadn’t really spoken to you the entire first week and if you were going to be honest it seemed as though he was avoiding you.

On Monday, you walk into the room at the studio and go on about your usual routine. You set things off to the side and begin to stretch. As you move to the stretches on the ground, you don’t notice Taeyang approaching you.

You begin to attempt stretching your legs. You lie on your backside and put one leg into the air, pulling on your thighs to stretch it forward. With your eyes closed you begin to count and focus on your breathing. Though before you know it, you feel a pair of warm hands grabbing a hold of your leg. Your eyes shoot open and you jump up onto your elbows so you can see who grabbed your leg.

You look up to meet that pair of glimmering eyes that had you shook from the beginning. They shine at you and act as a black hole drawing you in.

“Thought you could use some help.” He suggests. He smiles at you which somehow relaxes you to lie back down on the ground and allow him to stretch you out. One of his hands moves from the very top of your leg gliding down towards the back of your knee so he can get a better grasp of your leg.

“Make sure you keep your leg straight. This stretch is not only about getting your leg to bend, it’s about getting it to bend while it’s completely straight.”

“Well as you can see, I seem to be having a tad bit of trouble keeping my leg straight.” You respond. Your leg was up so you looked like a right angle, but your leg was slightly bent, causing it to look strange.

Taeyang only smiled at you as he brings the hand that was holding your ankle down to the front part of your thigh pushing it forward and the hand that had the back of your knee the other way forcing your leg to go straight.

You begin to get shortness of breath and not due to the stretch. His hand is on a spot that was so hard to keep control about. His touch was soft yet demanding, considering he was only helping you stretch, it seemed like something more. You knew it was all in your imagination, yet it’s had a funny way of making you fantasize on the ideas of, “what if.”

“So, what made you want to get into dance?” Taeyang says trying to begin light conversation. You can’t really tell him that you had no interest in dance until you saw him on the first day… You decide to tell him straightforwardly that you, just had nothing better to do.

He laughs at what you said and the sound of his full out, genuine laugh, causes you to smile as well. He seems too beautiful that you couldn’t even touch, though you know that was a lie as he switched legs and did the same hold, stretching the next.

“Well I’m glad you seem to be so unoccupied.” He says with a smile, making you unsure as to whether it was a compliment or an insult.

“Dance is a creative and expressive art form. I began dancing before I could accurately spell my name.” He chuckled. “The melodies and rhythms have always been so beautiful to me. It’s something that I truly enjoy and put my everything into. I hope that one day I can express my own art style and it inspires others the way that I was and am. It’s a creative form that you must put your entire soul into. If it doesn’t affect your emotions the same way it affects your body, you’re doing it wrong.”

You were left there transfixed at his words. You honestly didn’t care a smidgen about dancing but this boy was able to make you see how passionate someone can be about it. When he expressed it, it became something so much more than sweaty bodies jumping around, it was art.

He released your leg and you sat yourself up. You didn’t quite know what to say. He held out his hands to help you stand up.

“That’s…” You were trying to find something to say as you placed your hands into his to help you up. He gave a tug lifting you up and landing in a position in which your nose was a couple inches from his chest.

You looked up at him to see him looking down at you.

“Extremely beautiful.” He whispered never breaking eye contact. He sat there for a moment before he let go of your hands and began to walk away.

“Get ready for practice.” He smiled acting as though nothing happened and leaving you breathless and asking for a water break before class began.

 ~

Your second week of dance class was the most stressful week of your life. The problem was that you were getting exactly what you wanted. Taeyang was finally giving the attention you asked for but it had its own side effects. For instance, sometimes when he comes over to help you with choreography in class, he would touch your arm or your waist to get you in the right position. It seemed innocent enough, except for the fact that you were internally shutting down. You started to become this giggly loser and it was more than embarrassing. At this point you just hated him being too close to you because you hated acting like a fool, but you couldn’t help it.

It was his own fault.

The week was finally over as you pack up your bag and start to make your way out. You head to your car and go to pull out your keys. You hand searches the bag you have with you and slowly you start to panic. You take your bag off your shoulder and kneel, ripping out all the contents that you had just put in. As you shook your bag inside out and realized nothing was left to come out, you gave up on life itself. You pressed your face against your car window and saw a nice set of keys lying on the front seat.

Wonderful.

You started to look for a number to call so you could get into your car, while walking back into the building.

“Hello, this is Ray’s auto and insurance, how can we help you?” You heard a voice say on the other end of your phone.

“Hi, I locked my keys into my car and was wondering if you’d be able to help me to get it out?”

“We sure can. Can I get a name and an address please?” You excitedly gave all the details the girl on the other end asked for.

“Alright,” The woman continues. “We can get into your car for you but it might be a while still. All vehicles have to be back at shop at 8PM today for an inspection and since it is now 7:36, it’s going to be very hard to get there and back within the arranged time.”

“Oh...” You sigh. It’s just your luck too. You figure you’ll just call another place, hoping that they aren’t having an inspection today too.

“But, because of the troubles caused we can get that car for you first thing in the morning and give a discount on the pricing, we will go a whole fifty percent off for ya. Does that sound okay?” Does it sound okay?

“Yes! That’ll work fine thank you. I will be seeing you tomorrow then!”

“Sure, let’s say 10:00AM?”

“Sounds good to me!” You hung up your phone feeling like a winner, that was until you realized you have no car and no way into your house, seeing as though you live alone and keep the place locked up tight. You hope that someone is still in the studio and will be able to bring you over to your friend’s house to stay for the night.

You hear inside of the studio before you see the inside of the studio. Music played loudly and you peeked your head in to see two black haired boys dancing in a way you’ve never seen them before. The choreo looked challenging. Actually, impossible, but Rowoon and Taeyang were both epically displaying every move with perfect unity.

The music died down and you didn’t know whether you should move towards them or slowly back away and leave, but Rowoon caught you before you had a chance.

“Hey Y/N! What are you still doing here?” He asked.

“Uhm… Well actually I just-”

“Couldn’t get enough of me?”

“What the hell. No. I left my keys inside of my locked car so I was gonna see if someone would drive me over to my friend’s house, but it looks like you two are busy and I see no one else here so I’ll just start walking.”

“You are not walking.” Taeyang says as he walks towards the radio and shuts it off.

“It’s really not a big deal, walking won’t hurt.”

“Just give me a quick minute.” You watch as Taeyang left the room and then turned back to Rowoon who was giving you a large smile. You smile back but it just caused him to smile larger.

“What?” You ask curious as to his actions. He was just sitting there. His response was a soft giggle and he turned away from you.

“Rowoon… What is it?” You try again.

“Oh, like you don’t already know Miss Weak In The Knees.”

“What?” You try again, but this time aware of his intentions.

“You think I wouldn’t notice all of your sighs and dreamy eyed stares his way?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah? This doesn’t ring a bell? ‘Oh, wow Taeyang you must really like dancing. You’re so cool and manly. I think your butt is so cute and the way your eyes glisten makes my heart beat faster than a cheetah’s legs.’” You felt weak. You never said those things out loud but man oh man did you think them.

“Como?” You say with a betraying teenage boy who’s going through puberty voice.

“Nice crackle there Pop.” He laughs. “Don’t worry though, I haven’t told him anything. It’s so much cuter to see you freak out when he makes eye contact with you. You should see your cheeks man.”

Not only were you offended at his cruel kink of watching someone slowly wish they were dead, but he had the nerve to pinch your cheeks too.

“Cwuel.” You blubber out due to him still hanging onto your baby cheeks.  You smacked at him and tried to make him release your cheeks but he wouldn’t give in, instead he laughed.

“Say that you love me and then I’ll let go.” He said with a smile.

“I wub oo.”  You whisper.

“What was that, I can’t hear you?”

“I wub oo! I wub oo! I wub oo!” You shout and he finally let’s go. “Jesus man, how about you rip the damned things off?!”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. Here, I’ll rub them for you.” He reaches out at you but you slap his hands away.

“You are such a clingy puppy dog, leave me alone you Rottweiler.”

“No, wait! Don’t go!” He says following you as you walk away. He catches you and pulls you into a bear hug.

“What do you want from me?!” You cry out.

“Attention.”

“Ready to go then or should I wait?” You hear a voice say to your side. You waddle over, Rowoon still stuck on your back, to come face to chest with Taeyang. He was looking at you unamused. You’re sure that he just has his own things to do, he was upset about you taking him away from his own dance practice and now he’s pissed. You couldn’t help but get mad at yourself for visibly upsetting him.

“Give us a minute more.” Rowoon says, snuggling his head further into your neck.

“I’m ready!” You say smacking at his hands in hopes of him letting go. Luckily, he does with a sad sigh but you ignore it as you follow Taeyang outside. Rowoon mumbles something about not getting a goodbye but you were already too far away from him to want to shout back.

You proceed to walk behind Taeyang and can’t help but pay attention to the muscles in his back. You could tell he worked out to maintain that dancer body and oh God was it paying off.

“Thanks again for the ride.” You say as you make your way into the passenger’s seat of his car.

“Yeah.” He says as he throws his stuff into the backseat of his car and starts the engine. You notice he seems upset but you try not to let it get to your head because why freak out, it’s probably not all your fault. I’m sure he is fine with it despite his obvious bad mood.

He offered the ride, it’s his own damned fault.

It was quiet in the car as Taeyang drove and you could hear yourself breathing like some sort of bottom feeder.

“Address?” Taeyang asked. You responded quietly and told him the address feeling super uncomfortable. There was a very awkward silence and you could only think to interrupt the time by being blunt.

“Are you okay? I really could have walked to her house, I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“I’m not upset.” He said not taking his eyes off the road.

“You sound a tad bit upset.”

“I’m not upset, why would I be upset?”

“Because you were practicing and I made you leave…”

“You didn’t make me leave. I didn’t want you walking home.”

“I’m just saying that it would have been fine.”

“And I’m saying that it wouldn’t have.”

“Taeyang-”

“Y/N” He says while resting a hand on your knee. The light ahead turns red and he comes to a stop. He looks over at you for the first time during the car ride and you are struggling to keep your breathing even. “I promise I’m not upset. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable without knowing you got somewhere safely for the night.”

You nod your head in response and he turns away, removing his hand, as the light changed green. You smiled at the fact that he was worried about you but you were most happy that he really didn’t seem to be upset at you.

You decide to just leave the topic alone for now and if the problem arose again, to face it then. As you were making up your mind about this fact, there was a ringing noise coming from in between both you and Taeyang. You looked over and noticed that it was his phone. Taeyang didn’t even care to acknowledge the ringing and let it be. The ringing came to an end and you were about to try and spark up some more conversation when the ringing started back up again. Taeyang yet again, let the ringing continue until it went silent. You were so curious as to who this person was, it sounded like an emergency from how immediate the next call was. The phone rang for a third time and you couldn’t help but to speak up.

“Are you gonna get that?” You ask honestly just annoyed with the constant ringing.

“Nah, I’m driving.” He responds, keeping his eyes on the road. You were pleased with his driving mannerisms but it wasn’t on the same level for how annoyed you were at this person for calling yet a fourth time.

“It seems like someone really needs to get in touch with you.”

“Doubt it but, if it’s bothering you so much, you can answer it.” You were not going to answer his phone. There was no way. Answer his phone and talk to whom? His mother or something? That was not going to ha-

A fifth time.

“Hello?” You ask as you snatch the phone from in between you and Taeyang.

“Hey, who’s this?” The voice responds. It sounds like a man maybe a few years older than you but you couldn’t be sure through the loud shouts overtop of booming music.

“Uhm, I’m Y/N. I’m one of Taeyang’s students at the dance studio…”

“Hello, I’m Inseong!”

“Hi!”

“So, I’m having an emergency and I need Taeyang quick.”

“Emergency?” You begin to panic, curious as to what could be happening. Taeyang rolled his eyes and you couldn’t believe he was acting so relaxed at a time like this.

“Yeah, Jaeyoon and I are so bored and wanna go to a party. Tell Taeyang to pick us up in an hour.”

“So, your emergency… Is that you’re bored?” You hear a slight chuckle to your side and you look over to see Taeyang smiling in your direction, probably making fun of your stress earlier.

“Yes.”

“You low life scum bag! I thought something was really wrong, you can’t call that many times and say there’s an emergency only for nothing! Who do you people think you are. I was so stressed out, it wasn’t funny at all!”

“I’m sorry, I’m pretty sure you can come to the party too. Don’t be mad!”

“No offense but it literally already sounds like you’re at a party.” The music was still booming and you had to plug an ear and hold the phone close to really hear what he was saying.

“Oh no. That! Okay, just a second.” He says. You hear some more shouting and then the music goes off. You sit there a bit confused but roll with it. “Sorry it was just Jaeyoon and I. We were drinking wine and listening to some fire is all. Now we wanna dance but our neighbors would get so pissed if we tried dancing in this apartment, so we wanna go to a party.”

“Or a club.” You hear faintly in the background.

“Or a club.” Inseong repeats.

“Just a minute.” You look over at Taeyang who you see didn’t have his hands on the wheel. You hadn’t even noticed you arrived at your stop. “Here, you can talk to Taeyang yourselves.”

You hand over the phone and Taeyang laughs as he puts it up to his ear. You gather all of your things and open up the car door. When you step out, you peek your head back into the car and see Taeyang still looking at you.

“Thank you for the ride, I guess I’ll see you on Monday?” You thank him.

“Y/N, I hope you know I’m not gonna leave until I know you are inside of that house.”

“What?”

“You didn’t even call a friend asking to stay at their place. What if they are busy?”

“Then I’ll wait for her to come home. It’s a nice day.” He just stares at you for a few seconds and then turns away, responding to his phone call.

“I’ll be right here, waiting to see you walk inside.” He says turning to look at you. He calmly stares at you again until you walk away, then you hear him speaking on the phone again.

You make your way to your friend’s front door and that’s when things really begin to get shaky. You look in the driveway and notice that there wasn’t any car there. You play it off and assume she was just gone for a moment and would be back soon. You figure now would probably be a good time to call seeing if you could stay at their house.

You begin dialing their number as you knock on the front door. You wait but no one answers the door. You knock again, the same time that your phone was processing your call.

“Hello?” A voice said on the other side.

“Hey, where are you right now?”

“I’m at my aunt’s house.”

“What.” You say as a comment more than a question.

“My parents made me tag along to someone’s wedding or something. I’m so bored and happy you called me. Entertain me, please. This thing is dragging on.”

“When will you be back?!” You panic.

“Uhm someone is excited for my return. I’ll be back in like three days I think.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me this?”

“I guess I didn’t know I had to… Why, what’s up?”

“I locked my keys in my car and don’t have a spare. Do you have a spare, I’m at your house right now?”

“What? My house? How’d you get there?”

“Taeyang dropped me o- “

“Taeyang that cute dance instructor Taeyang?!”

“Yes.” You look over at the man in question to see him playfully laughing on the phone still. As you stare he looks up at you and gives a soft smile. You smile back and then quickly look away. “Listen, I need in your house and I need to be in there now!”

“I do have spare keys but, they are with me.” You start rubbing your head trying not to snap.

“Why do you have your spares, with you?” You speak through gritted teeth.

“In case I need them…�� She whispers.

“I’m hanging up now.” You say before removing the phone from your ear. Your plan was to just go to a hotel for the night. You knew of other people to ask but you weren’t really close enough with any of them to actually reach out about the situation.

“So, do you want to come over to my apartment?” You turn around to see Taeyang standing behind you with his hands in his pockets.

“What? No, it’s fine. I’m just going to stay at a hotel.” You respond scratching your neck. “I can also call for a taxi so you can go home. No need to wait for me.”

“Why would you spend your money like that when I’m offering to let you stay over at my place for free?”

“I don’t want to intrude.”

“On what? I have nothing else going on, you wouldn’t be intrusive in any way at all.”

“Uhm... Only if you are sure.” You draw out.

“I’m sure!” He smiles. He swings an arm around your shoulder and begins to walk you back to his car. “You wanna go to a party?”

~

 After agreeing with Taeyang’s suggestion to go to a party, he decided to drive you home so you could both shower and get changed out of your dance clothing. He parked in front of an apartment building and exited the car. You went back to grab your stuff but realized it was gone. You start to stress thinking you left it behind somewhere when you notice Taeyang is carrying it himself. He waits for you at the front of the building and is holding the door open for you.

“Thank you.” You mutter and Taeyang shows you yet another of his pleasing smiles. You follow as he leads you through the halls and upstairs until you stop in front of the door number 302. He unlocks the door and opens it, giving you a gesture to walk in first.

You enter assuming there to be some sort of boy’s nest in the place but are instead surprised with a very well put and clean space.

“Sorry it’s a little dirty.” He comments as he walks in behind you. He sets both of your bags down on the couch and then puts away a sweatshirt that was lying on a chair. “I wish I would have cleaned up beforehand.”

You snicker to yourself catching Taeyang’s attention. He looks at you in confusion but you just turn away.

“You can take a shower in here.” He says motioning towards a door to the left of him. “My room is this one on my right. You can grab any clothes out of there that you might need. I’m supposed to pick up Jaeyoon and Inseong though too, so I’m gonna go next door to my friends place and shower. Maybe that’ll save us some time!”

You nod your head at him and give him a smile. He begins to walk towards the door when you reach out for him. You grab the sleeve of his shirt and he stops to look back at you, cocking his head to the side. You want to tell him that he looks super cute when he does that, but instead let go of his shirt.

“Thank you again for everything that you are doing for me tonight. I really appreciate you looking out for me. I know that I’m only a student of yours but I’m really happy you care and help me out.” You shyly look everywhere but at him. You wait for him to say or do something but he just stands there. Finally, you look at him and see he was just staring at you with this cheesy ass grin.

“Aish… What am I to do after that?” He says stepping forward and ruffling your hair a bit, giving it a little pat at the end. “You are just too cute sometimes.”

He turns around and exits the room with a soft laugh coming out of him. You stand there breathless, staring at his retreated back and panic both internally and externally.

Cute?

 ~

You had exited the shower and was now waiting for Taeyang to say he was ready to go. You decided to still wear your under garments from earlier seeing as how you weren’t going to go commando and free the nipples, especially in someone else’s clothes… You had on a pair of Taeyang’s grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt. His clothes were baggy on you but then again you were styled for comfort not fashion today. Besides, you were just ecstatic about being able to wear his clothing in the first place.

You skipped over the makeup, assuming you’d just be getting shit faced anyways and didn’t want to look like a mess if it ever came to be that way. Plus, you didn’t have any makeup with you so it was a no go. Taeyang had on blue jeans and a light pink sweatshirt that made him look as soft as his personality was. He was currently trying to dry his hair before you two left.

“Okay, I’m ready if you are Y/N!” Taeyang said as he exited the bathroom. Whenever you saw him he looked so ethereal.  No matter where he was or what he was in. He had a way of being too real to believe.

“I’m ready!” You say with a smile on your face. You both make your exit and hop back into the car. He began to drive, asking you to play some music.

You plug in your music and begin playing songs from your playlist as Taeyang starts driving towards his friend’s house. You begin feeling a peaceful silence, other than the music and Taeyang’s soft hums, that is. The relaxed vibes of the moment is a comfortability you wished you could get used it.

 ~

You come to the synopsis that the boys Inseong and Jaeyoon were way cooler in person than over the phone. Rather than giving off the needy and lonely aura they were, only an hour ago, they were instead really relaxed and funny. The whole car ride you were listening to them make jokes about their night, each other, and even Taeyang. You laughed in the passenger’s seat, occasionally looking over at Taeyang to make sure he wasn’t ever offended, always proving to be fine when he joked with them right back.

You four all walk into the house where a party was very obviously happening. When you enter, Inseong and Jaeyoon speed away to where a bunch of people were eating, leaving you alone with Taeyang.

“So, was this how you were planning on spending your Friday night?” Taeyang turns and asks you.

“More like the exact opposite, but who’s complaining?” You respond with a smile. He gives a soft smile back and you try not to visibly explode when he does.

“Well I told some friends that I’d meet up with them when we got here.” You immediately shy back up. Of course, he wants to go hang out with his friends at a party like this rather than you but, you don’t know anyone else other than him. You don’t want to spend an entire party night as the loser drinking alone in the kitchen.

“Well, will we meet back up again later or something?” You ask. He looks at you quizzically and you just stand there.

“No…?”

“Oh…” You feel so stupid, you’re so embarrassing and question why the Gods above have fooled you into believing that you could go out and not be a total noob.

You feel warmth around your waist as Taeyang pulls you into him and starts leading you through a hallway or two.

“Did you think I was going to leave you alone or something, Y/N?” He asks with a slight chuckle.

“No, no, that’s not-“ You try

“You’d miss me too much if I left you alone and I can’t leave this place with a beautiful, snot covered, crying girl. People will start to assume the worst, ya know?”

“Trust me, at this rate, I wouldn’t have been missing much.”

“Ouch, she fires back!” He laughs and turns to you. You smile back up at him as you started making your way through a door frame. Someone behind the both of you shoves their way through roughly and messily, obviously drunk. Taeyang pushes your back into the side of the frame in a result and leans into you. He looks at the guy who bumped into him and laughs as he moves towards a group of people in the same sloppy way he passed you both just a second ago. You stand there staring at his face which is closer than it has ever been before. When he was bumped, Taeyang placed his hands on your hips trying to keep himself sturdy and they still remained there. As the boy disappears into his group of friends, Taeyang returns his focus back onto you and you can’t help but to stare at that soft smile he always has.

His lips are plump, especially the bottom one and such a light pink. You try to stop looking but they have you in a trance. Slowly the smile that was on his lips begin to go straight and you look up trying to figure out why. You make eye contact with him and he seems to be even closer than he was a moment ago. His facial features seemed serious and his eyes locked on you. He licks his lips and you glance down for a lingering moment.

“See something you like?” He asks you in a voice lower than usual. You tense up and begin looking around for some distraction.

“Is there something to drink around here? I’m parched. I’m gonna go do that. Yes.” You slip away from Taeyang and don’t look back as you make your way to a kitchen. You grab yourself your own drink, not even sort of trusting someone else to do it. This was a party in which you only really knew one person anyways, it’s always good to be careful. Either way, you didn’t want to get totally hammered with Taeyang having to watch over you. You figured water would just be the best for the both of you tonight.

After you down one solo cup of tap water, refill, and grab something for Taeyang, you head back down the path where Taeyang was leading you earlier. You begin peeking in random places hoping to see the dark-haired boy. Finally, you catch sight of him talking with a small group sitting on couches looking pretty comfortable and cozy. You make your way over and stand next to Taeyang as he speaks to one of the boys. You look over and see an attractive boy with blonde hair who has Taeyang engrossed in conversation. The boy seemed younger than the both of you but still had mature vibes to him.

“Who’s this?” The boy asks as the conversation begins to end between him and Taeyang.

“I’m Y/N.” You reply with a smile. He smiles back at you and you feel the need to drink some more out of your solo cup to hide your face.

“I’m Hwiyoung, I used to dance with Taeyang before I became too good for him.” He smirks.

“He didn’t.” Taeyang deadpans. “I teach a beginner’s level and you and Chani shouldn’t have ever been in that class in the first place. You two just wanted to make Rowoon and I look like fools.”

“Accurate.” Hwiyoung laughs.

“Hwiyoung is family friends with Rowoon, they’ve known each other for years. One day he and his friend, Chani came into our class and basically fucked around the whole time and made us look like incompetent losers.” Taeyang explains.

“Well you really can be sometimes…” You respond, hiding your smile behind the cup you continued to sip from.

“The woman doesn’t lie!” Hwiyoung exclaims. Taeyang just rolls his eyes and wraps his arm around your waist pulling you towards him. You start to feel goosebumps all underneath the fabric in the areas he touches, but don’t fight it off because the feeling is, in a way, so nice to feel.

“You get your drink?” Taeyang asks you and you put your cup up in the air as if proof to say ‘duh.’

“I also got one for you!” You say with a smile, pushing it towards him.

“What is it?” Taeyang asks.

“Just water, I didn’t know what you’d like.”

“Water is perfect, thank you.” He smiles at you, taking the cup from your hand.

You start to feel fingertips drawing softly on the sweatpants you were wearing and you could feel your blush coming on as you comprehended how touchy Taeyang was being with you. You wanted to question everything but at the same time you were telling yourself not to.

“So how long have you two been dating?” Hwiyoung asks.

“Dating? We aren’t dating. What would make you say that?” You blurt out. Taeyang didn’t seem to be listening as he just continued to draw patterns on you. You saw him finish his drink and place his empty cup on the ledge by his head.

“Scoot over.” Taeyang tells Hwiyoung. He does and Taeyang takes a seat, leaving you standing by the couch, planted.

Wasn’t he going to say something? You looked like a fool trying to prove your case. Instead of denial, Taeyang pulled you towards him and placed you on his leg, wrapping his arm around your waist again and placing his hand on the side of your thigh. You froze for a moment and then tried to stand back up, but Taeyang wouldn’t let you go, making you sit on top of him.

“Yeah, what in the world would have made me believe you two were together?” Hwiyoung smiles as he watches the both of you.

“We seriously aren’t together.” You deny again, but you knew it was hard to believe because Taeyang was showing the exact opposite. You decide to smack Taeyang’s hand a little and he looked up at you with a cute little pout. “Stop making fun of me.”

“I’m not.” He responds with a serious face that sends shivers down your back. He slowly turns away from you and looks at Hwiyoung, proceeding with a serious aura to say, “We aren’t dating.”

“Mhmm. Well in that case, Y/N, wanna go and dance?” Hwiyoung asks you with a smile. Taeyang wraps his other arm around you, keeping you locked in.

“You’re too young for her.” Taeyang fires back.

“No, I’m not?”

“You don’t even know how old she is.”

“Trust me, with these looks, I’m not too young for anyone.”

“You’re like 12.”

“I’m 18…”

“Sorry, all I heard was ‘goo goo ga ga’ and I don’t speak baby.”

“Hyung.”

“Welp, we better go check on Inseong and Jaeyoon.”

“No need, they are with Youngbin and Dawon ‘dancing’ and Zuho is already taking all of them home afterwards. I heard them talking about it.”

“Are you sure you didn’t drink something else before I gave you that water?” You ask Taeyang. He glances over at you and then back at Hwiyoung.

“I’ll be back.” Taeyang says as he stands up and removes himself from the couch. You get up with him and then sit back down after he leaves for some stairs.

“Sorry about that, he is just fun to tease sometimes.” Hwiyoung says to you. “He’s probably pouting in a bathroom because he thinks I like you.”

“What? No… Probably not. That’s a good joke, funny boy.” You respond flustered.

“Go after him and find out then.” You debate it for a moment as Hwiyoung dares you to go. You finish your cup and stand up to find Taeyang.

You walk upstairs and begin knocking on doors hoping to find Taeyang. You find numerous people in the rooms you search but no sign of Taeyang. You decide to give up and just sit down when you caught a glance of Taeyang exiting a room on the other side of the house. You make your way towards him and as you move forward, an overwhelming amount of confidence envelops you. As you are in front of Taeyang, you grab his arm and start pulling him back into the room that he just walked out of. Once you both are inside, you close the door behind you and cross your arms.

“What’s going on?” You ask him upfront. He doesn’t say anything, he just stares at you and cocks his head to the side a bit. “This just isn’t how you usually act around me.”

“How so?” He questions, taking steps closer towards you. You step back with his every step closer until, your back is leaned up against the door and he places a palm up against the door, next to your face.

“Well this for one. You are so much closer to me than usual, and you’re touching me like you don’t usually.”

“Like this?” He asks as he puts his other hand on your waist, and rubs his thumb up and down.

“Well, yes.” You gulp.

“Is that a problem Y/N? Do you want me to stop?” He asks leaning forward so his face was only an inch away.

“No! I mean…”

“Tell me what you mean?” He whispers as his hand by your face starts to slide down and his thumb caresses your cheek. When you don’t have anything to say, Taeyang begins speaking again. “What’s going on? That’s what you want to know? As if I’m not making everything obvious enough as it is.”

He leaned his face towards the side of your head, pressing his body against yours. He began whispering in your ear, making you shiver and grab a hold of his shirt to keep stable.

“I want you, in every way. I wanted you from the first day I met you. I want your cute, dorky comments just as much as I want your legs wrapped around me. I want you with me, even after your dance classes are up. I want you as more than just my dance student. I want you to be mine. That’s what’s going on.”

You don’t know what to say, but you also don’t really get a chance to mutter anything as his lips are pressed against yours. You start to question everything that was happening until you decide not to waste this moment thinking. His hands are sot, but tense, on your waist and softly caressing your cheek with rough fingers.

His lips, oh man his lips. They were soft and devour your own as he moves them slowly. He doesn’t force it to be hard and it isn’t sloppy. It is passionate and eager. Once you stop using your head and let yourself wander, your hands trail up to the back of his neck and he pushes you harder against the wall. You gasp as Taeyang moves his hands under your thighs and lifts you up against the wall. With your mouth open, Taeyang deepens the moment by biting onto your now open mouth. In shock, trying not to collapse in his arms both figuratively and literally, you grab on to what you can, which happened to be a fistful of hair and wrap your legs securely around his waist.

At this point, Taeyang lets out a low, guttural, type of growl which you swallow. His hands begin to act needy as they both slide underneath your shirt to your hips. He holds you tightly as if you’d disappear if he wasn’t holding on hard enough. Your mouths move together and his hips follow in sync. You feel his lower half pushing down into you and you feel so weak it’s almost exhausting.

Your tongues move together in a beautiful rhythm, every so often receiving teeth instead, tugging and pulling on your lips. The biting continues as his mouth moves down to your chin and the crook of your neck. You tilt your head backwards and let yourself be taken away by the moment. In one spot in particular you let out a soft whimper, causing Taeyang to smirk within his bites. He stayed on the one spot for too long as your whimpers turned into moans and your fists grew white due to how hard you were holding onto whatever you could.

“Taeyang…” You moan. He removes his mouth from your neck and places them back on your lips, letting himself linger for a moment.

“Yes Princess?” He questions as he stares into your eyes with his own hooded ones. You exhale as lightly as you can but it comes out exactly as you were feeling, heavy.

“I want you too,” You begin, taking note on the smile on Taeyang’s face as you say so. “But, I’m not doing this in some random bathroom with you.” He smirks and lets out a small laugh as he peppers your face with kisses. His hands slide out from underneath your shirt and very obviously, slowly down your backside, sending chills right up your backbone. He lowers your legs that were around him and sets you down softly. He pulls away from you and fixes your shirt so you look less messy and holds you next to him by placing his hand on your waist. He opens the door behind you and shimmy’s both of you out of the door frame. You lean into his side as you make your way down stairs.

Along the way you see Hwiyoung and decide to say goodbye to him. You really did enjoy talking to him and his company and you didn’t want to leave a bad impression with him, so you wanted to at least bid him farewell. You stopped as you found yourself in front of him and gave him a large smile.

“We are going to head out now,” You begin. Taeyang is too antsy as he stands behind you and begins to place small kisses on your neck. You lightly slap him off of you as you tried to talk to Hwiyoung but he wasn’t stopping. “It was very nice to meet you and hopefully we will see each other again soon.”

“And you two aren’t together or anything, right?” Hwiyoung says as he looks between you and Taeyang hovering above you.

“Goodbye Hwiyoung.” Taeyang says as he pushes you out of the house. You wave goodbye and quickly head out with him to where you parked. You get in the car and anticipate the arrival after the ride. Once Taeyang gets in the driver’s seat, his hand automatically wraps around your thigh and he pulls out onto the street. As he begins driving, you close your eyes, taking in the moment and trying to understand how this is happening. You open your eyes and see the apartment Taeyang lives in, in your rearview mirror.

“Wait, where are we headed?” You ask trying to figure out where he was taking you.

“I’ve got an idea. Just trust me.”

 ~

“This was your idea?” You ask as you look at the familiar surroundings. The smells of sweat and cleaning product engulfs your senses and you really start to question if this whole night has been some kind of a joke.

“This was my idea’s venue, not the idea itself.” Taeyang said as he unlocked the doors of the dance studio.

“What could you possibly want to do in here?” You question.

“Oh, I could think of plenty of things, but tonight there’s just one.” He pulls you inside and locks the door behind the both of you. You watch as he moves towards the speakers and plugs his phone in. Music starts to play softly from above and he makes his way back to you. He grabs your waist and pulls you back towards him as his mouth meets yours and the neediness in his motives begin to be prominent. He pulls away and leaves you waiting for him to come back to you. You open your eyes and see he has moved to the other side of the room.

“You’ve really been improving your dancing lately Y/N.” He says as he pulls a chair out from a stack and drags it towards you. “Have you been practicing hard outside of the class too?”

“Yeah…” You say slowly as he takes a seat in front of you. He grabs onto your hands and pulls you in between his legs, looking at you from top to bottom with a bite on his lip.

“Will you show me?” He asks.

“What?”

“Show me what you’ve learned Princess.” He tells you as he lustfully stares into your eyes. You begin to panic with wide eyes as you try to find a way to get out of this because you didn’t want to look like a fool.

“I can’t-” You start but Taeyang cuts in by grabbing onto your waist and placing you on his open thigh.

“If you give a good show, I’ll give out an even better award.” He smirks as he moves his leg up and down in a bouncing motion to make you glide across his thigh. You steady yourself by placing your hands on his shoulders and letting out a loud gasp. His hands grab your hips and move them slowly along him and you can feel yourself growing wetter with every motion.

“You think you can do that for me Princess?” He asks and you nod your head in agreement.

“Good girl.” He smiles as he helps you to stand back up. You stand there for a moment and awkwardly think of a good way to start out. You want to do this for him and with him, but you just question on how to do so.

“Do you need my help?” He asks you after a few patient moments of you stepping from side to side. You nod your head embarrassed and look away from him as you begin to blush. “Come here baby.”

You moved your way towards him and he grabbed onto the bottom of the shirt you were wearing, pulling you close enough to him where he could reach anywhere he wanted.

“You’re not going to need those anymore.” He says as he tugs on the waistband of the sweatpants he lent you. He begins to slide them down your hips and you put your hands on his shoulders as he removes them completely. You are now standing in front of him with only his large t-shirt covering your body.

“Fuck, you’re so sexy Y/N.” Taeyang says as he takes a look at you and your now bare legs. “Show me what you’re wearing underneath.”

He sits back in the chair again and places his hands behind his head as he looks at you. You decide to tease him a bit as you just barely lift up the shirt you’re wearing so he can only see a small part of your underwear. A song you recognize begins playing and you decide to try and lose yourself in the music. Paying attention to the rhythm, you sway your body in tune with the song You by 11:11. You lifted up your shirt again and this time showed your underwear completely, sliding your fingers in and out of the waist band as you stared at Taeyang’s hooded eyes, focused on your hips movements. You bit your bottom lip as you acknowledged how entranced he seemed to be with your body.

You turned around and looked over your shoulder as you continued to move your hips side to side and in circular movements. You decided to tease him a bit more and stuck your butt out, grinding the air just above his pants, being careful as to not touch him at all. As the chorus of the song began and the pickup of the music got going, Taeyang grabs onto your hips and pushes your bottom down onto him. He makes a low noise as you move back and forth on his lap, feeling his hard on begin.

You push down hard and he guides your hips at the pace he wants you, kissing your neck and clothed shoulders the entire time. Taeyang turns you around so you now face him and are able to grind onto him harder. You feel your panties dripping and the heat of the moment making you sweat. You pull off the shirt you were wearing as your hips continued to roughly move on top of the jeans Taeyang was wearing and Taeyang immediately attacks your chest with his mouth. He ignores the fact that you are still wearing your bra and sucks onto every inch of skin he can find. His hands reach from your waist to your back as he unhooks your bra. You continue to move on him in a faster pace and let his hands roam all over your chest

“God you’re so beautiful.” He murmurs into your skin as he kisses from your collarbone down to your perked nipples. One hand rubs up and down your hip, as the other massages the breast his mouth isn’t attached to.

“Taeyang.” You moan, pulling at the bottom of his sweatshirt, wanting his clothes off just as much as he wanted yours.

“I’m sorry Princess, I was being too greedy.” He says as he pulls away from you and removes his sweatshirt. “You gave such a good show, I’m really proud of you. I think you deserve your reward, but I’m going to need you to help me out a bit first. Can you handle that?”

You nod your head simply as he leads you to stand up. You watch him as he removes his jeans and underwear, sitting on the edge of the chair. You look at his member and notice it’s thick size. You watch as he wraps a hand around himself and tells you to kneel down in front of you. You follow his orders and kneel down in front of him.

You lean forward and lick his tip as his hand moves up and down his base. He makes a sigh sound as your wet mouth contacts his hard on. You enjoy the sound so you wrap your mouth around his whole tip, rather than a lick, and suck to create a pressure around his cock. He removes his hand and you take your chance to force him to glide down your throat. You move up and down as far as you can while rubbing his balls underneath, every so often giving them a suck as well.

Eventually, Taeyang puts his hands on the back of your head and makes you choke around his now completely hard cock. He pulls your head away and then pushes you back down on him. You grab a hold of his thighs and squeeze onto him as he pushes to the back of your throat.

“God your throat feels so good around me Princess. You like sucking on my cock, do you?” He asks. You nod your head as much as you can and let out a moan in approval with watery eyes. Taeyang pushes your head back and forth a couple more times allowing you to get a good breath in every time, before he removes your head completely from him with a pop. Spit runs down the side of your mouth and connects to his member as you try to catch your breath.

“Lie down baby.” Taeyang says as stands up and pushes the chair he was using, backwards. You do as he says and lie on your back, waiting for him to tell you what he wants next. He comes back and his hands trail from your arms, down your sides, to the front of your stomach.

“Lift your hips up.” He says and you comply. He pulls at the underwear you still have on and slowly removes it from your body. “Princess, your panties are soaked. What made you so wet?”

“You did.” You whimper as he rubs a thumb smoothly across your clit.

“You want me to help you out again? Give you what you earned Princess?”

“Yes, please.” You beg him. He reaches into his discarded pants and finds his wallet. After digging around for a second, he pulls out a condom. He opens the package and slides the rubber onto him. He doesn’t finally give you want you want though. He moves a hand down to your warmth and rubs your clit again with his thumb, sliding his pointer finger up and down your entrance. As your liquids begin to build up again, he slides a finger inside of you, making you moan and grab onto his arm on the side of you. As you gasp and beg, Taeyang swallows your cries with his mouth and gives you sloppy, tongued kisses.

“You feel so warm around my fingers, I can only imagine how you’ll feel in just a little bit Princess.” You moan at his promises of more. He chooses that time to slide a second finger into your entrance and you cry out his name as he roughly scissors his fingers back and forth.

“You’re sucking my fingers in so easily baby, your so wet for me. I think you ready to take me in now. What do you think?” He asks you as he continues to roughly finger you.

“Yes, please. I’m ready, please.” You beg, hoping for some sweet release soon.

“Well, since you asked so nicely.” He says, pulling his fingers out of you and licking them clean while staring you in the eyes. You gulp as he rubs on himself a bit more, as best as he can with the condom on. He lines himself up with your entrance and rubs his tip up and down your wetness.

“Are you ready?” He asks, pecking your cheek.

“Yes.” You say with a waver in your voice.

“Just tell me if you want me to stop.”

“I won’t want you to.” You promise as you rest your hands around his biceps to remain steady. Taeyang begins slowly pushing his way into you and your breathing begins to get heavy and shaky. He enters you completely and stays in place as you get adjusted to his width.

“You can move.” You say after a moment of you beginning to catch your breath again. He doesn’t hesitate as he pulls himself in and out of you, breathing heavily as he tries to be patient with you. You give out soft moans as he moves, but you can feel his arms tensed up as you hold on.

“I’m sorry Princess, I really can’t hold back anymore.” He says as he speeds up inside of you. You feel your body move forward with his every thrust and you close your eyes as the pleasant pain envelops you. He pushes himself into you roughly as he removes his hands from your arms and holds them together above you.

“Leave your hands right here, okay Princess?” He asks. You nod your head yes, but he doesn’t seem to like your silent answers anymore. “Let me hear your voice, do you understand?”

“Yes, I understand.” You pant out at him. He removes his hands from around your wrists and he places them on your spread thighs instead. His hands are so roughly pushed on your thighs, you think they might leave fingerprints, but the pain was masked by the pleasantness driving through you at the same time.

“God, you feel so good around me. So warm and tight Princess. You’re doing so good for me.” He says to you as you gasp from underneath him. He continues to ride into you and begins rubbing your clit along with every thrust. Suddenly you feel yourself nearing your high and you didn’t want to do so feeling so far away from Taeyang.

“I’m really close, please let me hold you too Taeyang.” You blurt out as he moves inside of you.

“Yes baby.” He says, moving faster inside of you. He kisses your open mouth over and over again and you try your best to return him with your own, but stay focused on the sensation you feel beginning to ripple through you. Taeyang begins pinching your clit and pulling, rubbing you harder, trying to get some more sounds out of you.

“Taeyang, I’m coming!” You start crying out as he rubs you faster and he smirks as he sees you writhing beneath him.

“Who makes you feel this way? Say my name baby.” He asks you as you’re beginning to clench. You repeat his name over and over again as you see white and your body spasms around him. The tense feeling of you reaching your high sends Taeyang over the edge himself.

“Fuck.” He curses as he rides himself out inside of you, waiting for his orgasm to end. Once he finishes and takes a moment to catch his breath, he slides out from inside of you and removes the condom on him. He ties it up and throw it into the waste bin closest to him, before returning back to you. He lies on his back next to you and wraps an arm around you, pulling you into his side, one of your legs entangled with his own.

“That was everything I imagined it would be, and more.” He whispers to you, kissing you on your head. “You’re so beautiful Y/N. I don’t think I can let you get away from me after this.”

“I won’t be going anywhere.” You smile up at him. “At least not for tonight, because I’m still locked out until tomorrow morning.”

He laughs at you and gives you another peck on the cheek before standing up, to put his clothing back on. He starts cleaning up after the both of you by bringing the trash with the condom in it, to the dump. He puts the chair back where it was originally and cleans off the floor that was covered in your juices. You begin putting your own clothing on after he is almost done and you lie there and rest for a while. You put on your bra and t-shirt, but for some reason can’t find your sweatpants or underwear.

“Taeyang, where are my bottoms?” You ask as he grabs his keys and turns of the music that had been playing without your realization.

“Oh those? I figured you wouldn’t need them.” He responds as he grabs your hand and walks with you back outside the room you came. You try to stay put, but you were just being drug out the door.

“Why wouldn’t I need them?” You ask.

“It’ll just be easier to leave them off until we get back to my place for round two, Princess.” He smiles at you, with that beautiful smile that got you in this position in the first place.

[aftertheabuseblog]

Understanding and Denial

Understanding and Denial

My schoolwork was suffering, nothing I did seemed to make the slightest difference in the downturn of my life. My self worth was… let's be honest, I didn't have any right then. Seemingly confirming my lack of worth my parents wrote my teacher that they wanted her to fail me so I would have to repeat grade 7 and do better. Let's go back a year…

I was staying the night at my friends, Joel and Bryce's house when puberty hit, I was so embarrassed. I was 11, almost 12. I thought something was wrong with my body, I had no clue what was happening, this felt too similar to the abuse. My parents wouldn't have “the talk” with me for almost another year. I felt dirty. I couldn't tell my friends or their parents what happened. So I went to the washroom, cleaned myself up and went back to bed.

A couple weeks later we went to the hot springs together where I was called a f*g for the first time, by a stranger, another reason to feel bad about myself. Upon returning home from that trip I began to really question my worth.

TRIGGER WARNING

Shortly after I turned 12, I was staying the weekend out at Joel and Bryce's place again and we set off on our usual exploration of what was flammable on the farm and what common rocks will produce a spark when struck together. That night I was sleeping in Bryce's bed with him and I wanted to let him know how much I enjoyed spending time with him and his brother, something I had learned how to do the wrong way from an adult family friend, let's call him Darren (he molested and sexually abused me from the age of 9-10). Bryce and I were both laying there in our underwear and I started scratching his back lightly and slowly worked my way down to his butt and then started rubbing, as Darren had taught me. I definitely wasn't going to reach around and grab his penis like Darren had with me since that made me feel dirty and I didn't want Bryce to feel dirty. So I kept gently massaging and rubbing his butt. “He’s rubbing my butt,” Bryce announced to Joel who was in the next bed.

“That's wrong. I’m telling my mom and dad.” Wrong?! It was wrong to rub a friends butt? I desperately pleaded with him not to tell his parents and explained that I thought I was doing something good. Yes I knew touching someone else's penis was wrong but I didn't know that touching a butt was wrong. I promised now that I knew I would never do it again. Bryce said that it made him feel dirty. I was humiliated, that was the opposite of what I wanted. I apologized profusely and they both agreed to not say anything to their parents. That was the last time I spent the night at their place or they stayed at mine. We barely talked after that night. It seemed something was wrong with me. I had wanted to show a symbol of close friendship, and ended up alienating my 2 closest friends, and I didn't have many of those. My remaining trust in myself was now gone too.

Soon it was time for “The Talk.” My mom sat my sister and I both down at the dining room table at the same time and handed us a pamphlet, or magazine, and told us to read it. I couldn't focus on the words. We weren't allowed to take it to our rooms and I was too self conscious to read this in front of my mom and sister, so I skimmed it, pretended to read it and said I understood. Since my parents wouldn't allow us to take sex ed at school, this was the piss poor substitute and I learned nothing. One of my friends at school had already had the talk and filled me in, and although he got some of the details wrong, I picked up enough to fill in the blanks from the pamphlet I skimmed. Turns out in a way I did get sex ed at school, previous personal experience not withstanding.

Soon my voice began to change and I would lament the loss of my high range. Secretly I love to sing, I loooove to sing. When I was absolutely sure no one was around, I would explore my vocal range. When others were around, I would intentionally throw my voice out of tune. This was for me and me alone. The notes I could hit and sustain would thrill me. Post puberty, I fell flat, vocally and emotionally. I always wanted to sing the part of the princess lamenting the absence of a prince in her life. Puberty robbed me of that dream, I would never get that range back. Or so I thought. A couple of years ago I found a YouTube channel done by Nick Pitera, a full grown male with an amazing vocal range. I thought it was a lady that he was lip syncing, but no it was his own voice. He has and amazing low, middle and high end. Some call him the most versatile voice on YouTube. Recently I have been working on extending my high range while staying in key, my neighbours must love me, and found that my low range has extended as a result as well. I can almost sing the highest notes in Part of You World from The Little Mermaid in key. Don't know if I'm ready to share my voice with the world yet, I've tried recording it but I get nervous and my throat constricts throwing me off key and out of pitch. My cat seems to really like it when I sing to her though.

After learning about the birds and the bees, some of what I had locked away came back to me in a new light. It wasn't just bad times, it was bad sexually. I told myself, I must have done something wrong for this to happen. No, no! It didn't happen. I'm imagining it. How I wished that were the case. So I tried my best to go into deep denial. Despite my best effort, some of it was always there. Like a loud song in the background, it was always there. School didn't matter, it seemed so finite an issue. What difference would it make if I did my homework or not, my life would still suck.

Soon after the denial began, I again started having more frequently the same nightmares I had when I was 7. Then I had my first hallucination, at least the first one I can recall. I was in my room wearing my sweatpants and sat on my bed without checking to see if there was anything there first. I don't remember what I sat on but it poked into my butt crack far enough to trigger that “electric” sensation. Immediately before me appeared the dark smokey visage of Dark Man from my nightmares, now in my waking life. I let out a blood curdling scream, my voice had not changed completely yet, and ran into my moms room in an adrenaline fuelled terror. I collapsed shaking on the ground before her, grasping tightly onto her legs. I told her there was a shadow man coming through my window. Since my window was at least 25 feet off of the ground she immediately dismissed it. Over the next few years I would have anxiety related chest pains, insomnia, and “freak out” moments all of which I reported to my mother. Recently I asked my mother why they never sought to get any professional help for me and her response was, “I didn't know, there were no signs.” No signs my ass.

Soon after puberty, I started having what I now know are ocular migraines, my mom dismissed them as “Your eyes are getting fuzzy because you're growing too fast.” I tried to impress upon her that no other kids that I had asked were experiencing anything like it but, not once did she take me to the doctor or optometrist to address this. Any medical problems that didn't have immediate visual signs that my sister and I had, it was “all in our heads, don't come to me for sympathy.” When she had anything minor medically, the world was going to end.

So I was left to deal with this growing anxiety that soon led to sleepless nights, which added to my second hallucination. My friend Tony was spending the night, I found that since the deep denial began, I had trouble falling asleep when there was someone else in the room. So I started counting his breathing while watching his chest rise and fall in the faint light, 80… 200, my mind began to wander to the bad memories. I was remembering being at the bottom of those stairs and suddenly Dark Man was standing over top of Tony, looking down at him with glowing red eyes. Slowly the glowing red eyes turned to look at me, piercing me, driving terror into my soul. I couldn't speak, I pulled the covers over my head as I started silently crying. I would not be sleeping that night. In the morning I told Tony about what I saw and he insisted that I must have been asleep and had a nightmare. But I knew I had been awake, lucid dreaming had taught me how to tell the difference between dreaming and reality and I was always, “checking my reality” (see chapter Year of Hell).

Those are the only 2 sustained hallucinations that I can recall I had when I was young. At the age of 9, I started having fleeting shadow hallucinations. Out of the corner of my eye I would see a shadowy human shaped figure, and then it would be gone as quickly as it was there. One day the shadowy figure appeared very close to me and in a moment of fright I lost control of my bladder. Looking for help, I told my mom that I had just wet my pants. Without asking if something had scared me or if something was wrong she automatically assumed that I had been disgusting and/or lazy and wet my pants. She grabbed me, stripped off my pants and underwear along with any remaining dignity. While verbally berating me she said, “If you're going to wet your pants like a baby, then I'll treat you like a baby!” and grabbed a towel which she pinned on me like a diaper. I had to wear it for the afternoon so that I could “learn my lesson.” Having my dignity stripped away once again was very traumatizing. I was supposed to be safe and be able to get help when needed. It seemed to me that my mom was more concerned about how having a son who wet his pants seemed to reflect on her than what might be potentially wrong with me. It's only upon reflection now that I realize that all these incidents happened when dad was either at work or out of town, never when he was home. Whenever I wet myself after that, I would take off my pants and underwear and rinse them out in the laundry room sink. Sometimes I would force myself to keep wearing the soiled underwear underneath fresh pants as a self punishment for my perceived failure of self.

With belief in myself at an all time low I stopped doing my homework, or if I did it I would often cheat. I became a chronic liar, after all, if no one was going to believe me when I was speaking the truth why should I bother telling it. To add to the pile, my grade 7 teacher didn't like me and would pick on me. I used to get hiccups all the time when I was younger, especially during times of heightened anxiety. She gave me detention because I had the hiccups. One day I had forgotten my day planner at home, and she told me I had to walk home to go get it. Keep in mind it was the middle of winter and I didn't have my snow pants that day. It was -20 F with the wind and it wasn't a short walk. When I got home there was no one there and my legs were starting to loose all feeling and I was feeling sluggish, having frozen my ankles the previous year, I knew this was bad. A couple of blocks away were some family friends, so I went there. Patricia, the mom of the family answered the door and immediately pulled me inside. After demanding an explanation for what I was doing walking around improperly dressed in this weather and listening to my explanation, her face went red with anger. She made me a hot chocolate, and drove me back to the school where I waited in the car. She went into my classroom and balled the teacher out in front of my class for telling a student to walk home for something as petty as a day planner, let alone when it was this cold out. My classmates told me about it, I kinda wish I'd been there to see it. She later got another talking to by my parents when they found out. She was a little nicer to me after that.

Toward the midpoint of the school year, I had been hanging out during lunch and recess with another boy who had some mental development issues, but he was always trying his best. In fact I was jealous of him because they had worked out an incentive program to help him complete his school work. If he handed major assignments in on time, he got a dollar from his mom, if it was late but complete, 50 cents. It seemed to work for him. One day after lunch our teacher was waiting at the doors nearest our classroom making sure everyone was coming in. Upon seeing me coming in alone, she said “Good to see you're not with your tardy friend.” I know tardy means late, but from her tone it was clear she meant the other similar sounding derogatory word, especially since he wasn't late. Some people just shouldn't be teachers.

As the school year wound down my report card came in, it was a pass, but barely. When you ask a kid if there's anything wrong, chances are the answer will be ‘no’, even when there is a problem. Sometimes the child simply doesn't have the vocabulary or understanding yet to describe what's wrong. You have to look at the child's actions and moods. Had my parents relied on that they would have seen I was at the beginning of a spiralling depression. But they didn't. Having decided that my bad grades were simply the result of me just not trying hard enough, they wrote my teacher a letter telling her they wanted me to be held back and repeat grade 7. It seemed my lack of belief in myself was justified. In a rare move of compassion, my teacher told me she didn't support the idea and thought that I would feel much better and do much better in a system like high school. So the money I tucked under the envelope was enough to sway her. Just kidding, she kept my passing grade without being bribed.

So it would seem that if I had a problem at home I would have to learn to deal with it myself. When presented with a situation at age where I could possibly end my life and it would look like an accident, I took it...

(More on that in tomorrow's post)

[thistleandthorn-rpg]

Congrats and welcome Rebecca on your new character, Nathaniel Duval. Please send us your blog info with in 48 hours. 

OOC INFORMATION: Name/Alias: Rebecca Preferred pronoun: She/Her Age (Must be 20+): 21 Timezone/Country: GMT+1/Malta RP Experience: Approximately 4 years Activity Level: I’d say around an 8/10. I only work mornings in summer so I’m technically online for most of the day.

IC INFORMATION:

Name: Nathaniel Duval Designation: Switch Age: 22 Faceclaim: Jack Falahee Birthday: May 11th Orientation: Bisexual Kinks: Spanking, impact play, wax play, bondage, orgasm denial, dirty talk, pet play, humiliation, sensory deprivation, chastity, roleplay, total power exchange, breathplay. Anti-Kinks: Scat, gore, vore, permanent injury/death

BIO:

All his life, Nathaniel had been pushed to be the best version of himself. Growing up in a family so fond of learning meant developing in a culture which nurtured his sense of curiosity, his yearning to discover as much as possible about a plethora of things. Little Nathaniel always asked too many questions, and would not stop until he was satisfied with the answers given. His teachers always said that he was smart – not enough to get the highest grades in class, but still smart enough to prove himself to be a highly academic child. They would argue that his way of looking at learning was different. Nathaniel always chose to be inquisitive, and that reflected in the answers he’d give during tests and exams.

Nathaniel was never disappointed with the amount of lessons his parents made him and his siblings endure. Surely, it was overwhelming at times. But Nathaniel felt himself immersing into a different world every time their extracurricular lessons started. Cooking was never his stronghold; that much he would admit. However, the arts were a completely different story. The strokes of his paintbrush always created the most beautiful of paintings. The way his fingers moved over the piano keys created dreamy lullabies. The way his tongue rolled off words in Italian and French sounded just like a native’s. He would get lost in his own bubble world for hours, working on a new masterpiece or reading texts in foreign languages.

Growing up, his curiosity extended beyond the literary world that his parents had exposed him to. The need to know more about the world outside grew stronger and stronger. When he turned seventeen, he approached a guy for help. A friend, he’d say, who offered to teach him the ropes of BDSM. That was when Nathaniel became truly intrigued by something so physical. In his mind, he could merge his love for art with the lifestyle he would have to live. He was shown both sides of the coin, and although he grew more attached to the submissive aspect, Nathaniel couldn’t deny the rush of adrenaline that he experienced when in a position of power whilst dominating. The lucky starts smiled down at him when he was labelled a Switch. The next challenge was here: become the best Switch he could be. No easy feat, surely, but there was no challenge that this Duval would shy away from.

BIO QUESTIONS:

What is your biggest fear and why?

My biggest fear is losing the ability to appreciate life and all the things that make life worth living. Without appreciating what you have, life becomes nothing but a dull monotonous routine. I fear not being able to be content with what I have or with the life I’m living.

What 3 objects/places mean the most to you and why?

My home: It’s the place I grew up in, the place where I have created so many memories. They say that there is no place like home, and that is true. The idea of it being a safe place, somewhere you can always go to and be welcomed, makes it the place I treasure the most.

My piano: It was a gift from my parents, a baby grand piano which was meant to be shared between me and my siblings. I did end up hogging it the most, until I eventually laid an unofficial claim on it. It’s the instrument I fell in love with back when I was five years old.

My easel: Now this is a gift that was given directly to me on my nineteenth birthday. I had other easels before, but none as functional and perfect as this one. It allows me to practice my passion whenever the muse strikes. It is a painter’s best companion.

Who is the one person you’d most like to meet (dead or alive)?

Leonardo da Vinci. There are so many questions I would like to ask him. He was a universal genius, came up with ideas far beyond the technology available at his time. He excelled in all areas. I would say he is the best role model as far as learning is concerned.

What is the one moment you would describe as your happiest/most excited?

The day when I achieved my piano diploma. The piece I had to practice was almost impossible to do. I practiced it for months, never getting it right. I persevered, mostly thanks to my parents’ insistence. With each day that passed, I would make one less mistake. The day before the exam, I messed it up completely. I felt lost, hopeless, but my father made me get out of bed and face the examiners nonetheless. My whole body was shaking in anticipation, but I closed my eyes and made myself remember all of the reasons why I loved playing the piano. I allowed the melody to guide me, the feeling of the keys underneath my fingertips to ground me, and my instincts to hit the next note. And for the first time, I completed the piece with no mistakes.