#why don't you make a clone so you can literally go fuck yourself!

[jacobfredburt]

There's a parallel universe where Elon Musk bought Tumblr instead of Twitter and the collective consciousness of this trolled him so badly he committed suicide a month later.

[khs-biggest-loser-tournament]

Good morning I am here to remind you all that Demyx is in fact the biggest loser in KH and if you vote against him you're objectively WRONG. This man is the ultimate failboy.

He blatantly cheats in his boss battle with the fucking water clone QTE and he still dies, and like can you even blame him for fighting dirty because he turned up on Weapon Assignment Day and they gave him a musical instrument. All the other Org members get to do this menacing slow walk coupled with unbroken eye contact when they approach Sora in battle, but nooo this clown has to stare at his plinky-plonky instrument of murder instead while walking towards you cause he has to play fucking Guitar Hero to fight.

And then he dies and Jiminy Cricket roasts him in his journal. This dumbass gets roasted by A BUG. AN ARTHOPOD. A LITERAL INSECT.

And he absolutely deserves the roasting because have you seen him in Days?? Nobody ever shuts up about how he's That One Coworker who absolutely refuses to ever do anything. And they're right, like do you know how many times he's seen standing in the break room (not counting cutscenes)? ONCE. ONE SINGULAR TIME. Otherwise he spends the entire game on that stupid angular sofa.

And the sidequests he gives you, my god. If he's not telling you to find some stupid treasure chests, he's all like "hey Roxas could you go scour every inch of Halloween Town for Heartless k thx bye", and if you for some reason decide to humor him and do his actual goddamn work for him? What does he give you in return? MORE FUCKING WORK. Like at least the other Org members have the decency to be like "hey well done, now you can do this extra mission that only super cool people are allowed to do" but not this idiot, oh no he LITERALLY TELLS YOU he's rewarding you for doing his job for him by MAKING YOU DO MORE FUCKING WORK FOR HIM. The Lion the Witch and the Audacity of this Bitch.

And there's this one point where he's like "hey Roxas please go to the Moogle and synthesize two potions together", bitch the game practically drowns you in potions and the Moogle is like ten feet away from where you're sitting, go do it yourself you lazy fuck.

AND he's fucking useless in multiplayer. His limit requires way too much effort and it's got such poor accuracy that it hits something maybe twice a week. And when he inevitably loses his loss animation on the results screen shows him falling out his stupid tall chair. smh Donald can do a whole stomping tantrum dance on the chair when he loses but this absolute walnut somehow manages to fall off when trying to punch the chair in frustration. Actual reality-defying failboy-ism.

OH AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT KH3 YET. He comes back because god knows why and manages to ruin Xehanort's plans because his SHEER INCOMPETENCE means nobody would ever think he'd be willing and/or able to do anything useful for anyone. And he steals a catchphrase from the early/mid-2000s KH fandom like this man could not be more cringe if he tried, and he definitely tries because my GOD have you seen that Re:Mind cutscene with him?? "see all the cool kids have one right" well you are neither of those things so why the fuck do you have one

Fucker doesn't even have a proper name yet. It's been almost 20 years and we still don't know what his real name is. If that's not loser behavior I don't know what is.

And it gets even worse if you consider the non-canon stuff! In the manga he's somehow even more of a failure, which shouldn't even be physically possible. For fuck's sakes he gets his ass handed to him by Pluto. PLUTO. THIS DUMB FUCK PICKS A FIGHT WITH MICKEY MOUSE'S DOG AND LOSES.

Meanwhile on the novel side of things we've got his Character Files short story (I think that counts as novel-adjacent but I digress), where it's implied he rejoined the Real Org because he wanted friends. This ABSOLUTE CALCIUM-DEFICIENT NINCOMPOOP joined a fucking apocalypse cult because that's the only way he could get friends?? and even that didn't work because all they do is roast him. My god we've truly reached a level of patheticness beyond the comprehension of the feeble human mind.

jfc I swear if I didn't love him with every single solitary cell in my body the mere thought of this idiot would make me cringe myself into the Shadow Dimension.

.

[oh-no-its-bird]

Ok so everyone say thank you to @kirabasai for infecting me with the thought of Commander Fox getting zapped from starwars to naruto

Mitsuki and Fox clone solidarity,, I know Mitsuki only exists in Boruto but I don't give a shit so now not only is this a dimension travel au it's also a time travel

Somehow both Fox and Mitsuki end up in normal naruto canon, and work together bc uhhhh. Reasons, I dunno.

Fox gets zapped first to boruto, probably through spooky Palpatine sith shenanigans that don't actually matter. But he's only there for a second, with just enough time to knock into Mitsuki before he's zapped again into naruto— accidentally bringing Mitsuki with him.

Oops.

He actually feels kind of bad ab it. Or like, as bad about it as Fox can feel, bc he's Fox. But then he learns Mitsuki is a clone and it isn't just awww shit he accidentally kidnapped some kid but aww shit he accidentally kidnapped a Shiny

Head in his hands, he didn't ask for this,, he was a good boy,, he did his job so diligently,, he hid all the bodies and killed all the people Palpatine told him to,,, literally never done a thing wrong,,,,

Fox winds up with Palpatines lightsaber somehow, and over the course of the story it kind of becomes his. It freaks the absoloute FUCK out of literally any sensors, it is radiating legit evil over there and Fox is holding it like it's no big deal (bc he can't sense shit and is kind of numb to sith energy anyways)

Fox also has a blaster and I am definitely thinking ab the comedy of like. A gun in Naruto. It's a gun. It's a gun that moves fast as light. No one knows what a gun is and Fox is going to get SO much milage out of just having a weapon he can aim places without people realizing what it's ab to do (shoot you in the fucking face)

If someone were to pry into Fox's mind they'd actually have a really awful time of it, then probably walk face first into some nasty lingering sith mind fuckery stuff. Bad experience, 0/10, Fox is very happy w how it turned out but also has no idea why he got that effect. Either way, keep ur nasty ass mind fingers to yourself

Also, Fox speaks Basic. Not Japanese.

I'm thinking he has some sort of standard translator chip that allows him to communicate, but it sometimes translates the stuff he says weirdly. For example, from everyone else's perspective, he keeps introducing himself as Kitsune.

Which, for obvious reasons, doesn't really go over that well with a lot of people in Konoha when he gets there.

He's also visibly foreign and keeps being mistaken for being from Suna

So anyways, Fox and Mitsuki first fight bc like. Hey!! You fucking kidnapped?? Me???

Mitsuki gets the jump on him bc shinobi kid vs guy who doesn't know what a fucking shinobi even is

But then they're able to kinda talk it out and like, look neither of them know where they are so... truce?

Ok so now the fun part:

Fox has no fucking clue what's going on.

From his point of view, he's on... some kind of semi primitive planet. Doesn't remember how or why, but he's here now. So standard GAR procedures; find a way to contact home base. He has his normal gear on him, but no deep space radio, so he'll have to just... make one. Fuck, ok. If he can find the parts, it's doable. All command class clones are taught the basics of how, just like how they're taught how to assemble a blaster from scraps.

But from Mitsuki's point of view, they time traveled.

Mitsuki's POV is the only reason Fox knows there's smthn seriously up, but he's not exactly gonna go "aha! Dimension travel!" On top of it all

Now here's the thing. They're in early naruto canon, some time after wave arc.

Mitsuki only knows chunks of history, and only what has been taught to him second hand from school, Orochimaru, and very very occasional stories from Sasuke or the rest of team Taka

(I feel like Suigetsu especially would have fun telling all sorts of stories)

Not... all of these stories are completely accurate. And even if they are, they're often dumbed down to be easily understood by children— think that one Boruto episode where they put on some sort of silly play about the sanin (which was adorable btw and also fucking hilarious. Actual war criminals son learns about war crimes in class and everyone is just cool happy magic of friendship about it. Amazing.)

So now Fox is learning these fuckin third hand stories from Mitsuki, who literally learned it from the villains of many of the stories, and there is some SERIOUS biases going on

They go to Orochimaru for help.

Local scientist, parent of child (= dependable?) Best source of tech for potential radio + blaster repairs if needed. Fox can trade information to him if needed, it seems like a good choice.

It is not a good choice.

Orochimaru is like nearing the heights of his insanity, and I think it'd be real fun if he decides Sasuke is cool and all but a man from the stars??? A man literally made in a vat to be the perfect example of human physique???? Who's also resistant to many forms of corrosive chakra????

New perfect body alert.

Mitsuki is cute but Orochimaru isn't really in a parental sort of mind set, sorry <3

Mitsuki is going "Huh!! My parent did say they had a pretty severe midlife crisis..."

"Kid I think this is a bit more than just a midlife crisis."

Anyways, then they escape and continue to fuck around trying to build a deep space radio, which at this point is Fox's only hope home which also means it's Mitsuki's bc maybe the jedi can help with the whole uhh... time? Thing?

I'm thinking that after the thing w Orochimaru goes to shit, they're both a lot more wary of the fact that Mitsuki's information may not be the best.

After Oro in terms of figures of power and safety, almost everyone else is either a child, not born yet, or their current location is unknown— except for good old dependable ✨️ rokudaime Kakashi ✨️

Ok so picture this. You're Kakashi, sleeping peacefully in bed after a long day fucking with your students (who you're still very conflicted about having) You wake up to a presence in ur room and there's some fucking snake kid leaning over ur bed going "Hatake-sama—"

You freak out.

Knives may be thrown.

The snake kid has a very angry looking, foreign adult man body guard.

This is so fucking suspicious.

The snake kid says he's a time traveler, and that you are the eventual Rokudaime and also the only person he knows he can trust 100%

This is so fucking suspicious.

So obviously, Kakashi plays along then turns around and reports the fuck out of their asses to the Hokage.

Yeah, Fox doesn't really know what he expected. If some random kid showed up looming over HIS bed in the middle of the night, said he'd be the next chancellor and they know bc they're a time traveler and also pretty please help me build a deep space radio so I can go home— well, he wouldn't report them to Palpatine because not even he's that sadistic. But he'd probably toss them into the cells for a minute, if only because it was one of the only perks of his job

Or, well, for that analogy to work it wouldn't be a deep space radio, because he was used to space travel. It'd have to be something wilder— like an interdimensional radio. Haha, good one. Like that existed. God, imaging having to try and make one of those, that'd be insane. Fox would just kill himself at that point. Good thing he doesn't have to, right? Right?

Anyways mid adventure, they bump into Jiraiya who is fucking horrified to recognize Orochimaru's way of smiling in Mitsuki and gaslights himself into thinking he HAS to be wrong.

I think its Jiraiya who finally helps them out

[l0sercat]

MK Character intros with my OC

I know I don't write for OC's but I'm soooo in love with MK right now so. I wanted to write about MK intros with my MK OC! Background of her that is still in the works; Luci is one of Shang Tsung's experiments, he captured her from her house in the middle of the night and during his experiments she grew fox ears and a tail. He was intrigued by this and kept her for now. She has come to terms that she can’t escape him and fell to Stockholm so she is pretty fond of Shang and Shang is pretty fond her as well, in fact he can be pretty possessive. Sometimes she wishes she could go back to her normal life. She was close with Lui Kang, Kung Lao, and Raiden, but seeing that none of them have come to save her she holds some hatred for them. May do a part two of the other characters 😉 Please let me know how this was because I am so nervous posting about my OC because they are very personal to me and I get to self indulge with them. Um so I goofed and my mind had their looks based off MK1 (Except for Raiden and Lui Kang) but the timeline is like MK11 so yeah I'm sorry I'm stupid lol. PT.2 here: x

Shang Tsung: Come now Luci, you know fighting me is pointless, I’ve proven this many time

Luci: I’ve grown tired of being treated like a pet Shang!

Shang Tsung: *Chuckles* C’mon you know you like it

Luci: *points at Shang* Your soul is mine!

Shang Tsung: *laughs and shakes his head* I do not sound like that

Luci: I don't know I think that impression was spot on *puts hands on hips proudly*

Luci: Why did you do this to me!?

Shang Tsung: You simply caught my interest and I needed another test subject

Luci: Why are you so cruel?!

Luci: *Tail fluffs out* You, me, my room, tonight *winks*

Shang Tsung: Oh? What brought out this side of you?

Luci: Guess *shrugs shoulders not so innocently and giggles*

Luci: Can you please stop petting me out of nowhere?

Shang Tsung: Hm, no your too cute when your suprised

Luci: Of fucking course...

Shang Tsung: Stop flirting with everyone Luci... *Glares*

Luci: Make me *Sticks out tongue*

Shang Tsung: Your just trying to make me jealous, yeah?

~~~~~~~~~

Johnny Cage: So do you go into heat or something?

Luci: That is none of your business! *Blushes while her tail spikes out*

Johnny Cage: Imma take that as a yes

Luci: Y’know I used to enjoy your movies..

Johnny Cage: Used to? What the hell happened?!

Luci: I was abducted

Johnny Cage: Here kitty kitty

Luci: I hate you so much right now

Johnny Cage: Don’t lie to yourself babes

Luci: Shang will hurt you for trying to romance me

Johnny Cage: Babe I am not scared of someone like him

Luci: You should be…

Luci: I'm literally one of your biggest fans!

Johnny Cage: *laughs* Do you want me to give you an autograph?

Luci: Yes please! Sign right on my chest!

Johnny Cage: What's cookin good looking?

Luci: *blushes* uh um heh..

Johnny Cage: Yeah I have that affect on people *Brushes off his shoulder*

~~~~~~~~~

Noob Saibot: Stop calling me emo!

Luci: All I said was "Whatever Ayesha said about emo boys‼️"

Noob Saibot: I will make sure to put you in your place...

Luci: Would I technically be a necrophile if I were to fuck you?

Noob Saibot: ...What..

Luci: Don't act so shy now

Luci: So... do you and your clone wanna have a two man with me?

Noob Saibot: What about that sorcerer your with? Won't he be upset about you flirting?

Luci: He can join if y'all want *Tail swishes*

Noob Saibot: Death longs for you and your embrace

Luci: Tell death to wait a few more years

Noob Saibot: I'm afraid I don't have that much more patience

Noob Saibot: Come join me in the darkness Luci~

Luci: If only I could, how 'bout you come join me instead?

Noob Saibot: I do not like sharing much less with some sorcerer

Luci: Shang's not happy that your trying to recruit me into the darkness...

Noob Saibot: What he feels doesn't matter

Luci: Yeah well your not the one he is taking it out on...

~~~~~~~~~

Liu Kang: Luci I'm sorry for what happened

Luci: Shut up and fight me

Liu Kang: I would redo everything if I could

Luci: I just want to know why

Liu Kang: Raiden said not too

Luci: And you listened to him?!

Liu Kang: I miss our friendship so does Kung Lao

Luci: As do I but you betrayed me

Liu Kang: And I will never forgive myself for it

Luci: Just leave me alone Liu I do not wish to speak to you again

Liu Kang: I will never stop until I make things right

Luci: Then prove you are truly sorry

Liu Kang: We should hang out again, I miss your company

Luci: I wish I could say the same about you, I'm more happy with Shang

Liu Kang: Shang has corrupted your mind!

Luci: I wonder if things could've been different

Liu Kang: If they could I would make sure it would happen

Luci: Oh Liu I miss everyone...

~~~~~~~~~

Kung Lao: Come back to us I miss you, we all do

Luci: You should've thought about your actions

Kung Lao: We were just following orders!

Kung Lao: Just let Liu and I take you out like we used too!

Luci: How I will miss our hangouts...

Kung Lao: They don't have to end!

Kung Lao: Leave Shang Tsung and come with me!

Luci: What about Raiden?

Kung Lao: I will make him understand if he doesn't

Luci: Oh Kung Lao can we not fight anymore...

Kung Lao: I'm sorry but you made your bed you must lie in it now

Luci: I was forced into this role!

Luci: Y'know I used to like you

Kung Lao: You mean I had a chance?

Luci: Yeah but you blew it, I prefer people who can actually protect me

Luci: It's a shame we meet in these circumstances

Kung Lao: Agreed I wish things didn't go as they did

Luci: Things will never be the same again

~~~~~~~~~

Raiden: It deeply pains me that things turned out this way

Luci: Everything is your fault, you only have yourself to blame

Raiden: And I accept that and will never let myself forget it

Raiden: Do not give Kung Lao and Liu Kang hope

Luci: Fuck off Raiden you can't control us!

Raiden: I'll make sure you will listen!

Raiden: Please accept my apology I didn't want it to turn out this way..

Luci: You left me to die!

Raiden: I thought you were strong enough to escape!

Luci: I hate you! Go to hell!

Raiden: This will not take back what happened!

Luci: No, but it will make me feel better!

Luci: Just answer me this, why?

Raiden: I...I cannot answer that

Luci: You've disappointed me for the last time

Luci: Could we ever go back to the way things were?

Raiden: No, I wish but the possibility of you being corrupted is too high

Luci: Oh..I see *ears and tail droop*

~~~~~~~~~

~Others mentioning Luci~

Johnny Cage: So you and Luci aren’t a thing right?

Shang Tsung: Don’t even think about going near her!

Johnny Cage: Sheesh don’t get your panties in a twist

Shang Tsung: I heard you tried going after my pet..

Johnny Cage: For one thing she isn’t a pet and also she was soo into it

Shang Tsung: Lies! I will make sure you never look at her again!

Liu Kang: You took Luci away from us!

Shang Tsung: Stop acting like you care, you didn’t even try to rescue her…

Liu Kang: Shut up!

Raiden: The things you've done to her, I'll make sure you will pay!

Shang Tsung: Stop acting like you care for her, I provide her with everything she needs

Raiden: You've forced her into that life!

Liu Kang: Why couldn't we have saved her?

Raiden: I..I have no answer...please forgive me for my mistake

Liu Kang: You have betrayed not only her, but I as well Lord Raiden

Liu Kang: I miss Luci very deeply, I wish we would've rescued her

Kung Lao: If I could go back in time I would ignore Raiden's warning

Liu Kang: As would I, this mistake will forever haunt me

Raiden: Us fighting will not fix what has happened

Kung Lao: Not but it will make me feel better

Raiden: Luci would not want this to happen!

Johnny Cage: I can't believe Luci found you attractive

Kung Lao: I can't believe she found your movies entertaining

Johnny Cage: Cause she knows talent when she sees it

Shang Tsung: Does it break your heart that she now loves me?

Kung Lao: She will never love someone like you!

Shang Tsung: Are you sure about that?

[supercorpkid]

Ace Reporter - part 4

Supergirl, Kara Danvers x Reader, Lena Luthor x Reader

Word Count: 2375.

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.

Something brings you back from your trance. Probably the loud alarm saying that if you don't get out of this place in five minutes you're going to die. Five minutes is really not enough time to find the way out, so you run out of the bedroom and make your way to the other side to try and find the exit there.

You are met with a dead end, and on your way back you bump into Lena. She holds your arms to steady you. "Y/N! I'm glad I found you. Kara and I split up while looking for the exit."

"Dead end." You point to the hallway behind you.

Lena agrees with her head. Cleans the blood off your cheek before nodding to you, "I'm happy you're safe." She almost hugs you, but decides there are more pressing matters at the moment. "Let's find Kara and get out of here." 

Lena holds your hand, guiding you to the direction you just left. That's when Kara appears in clear panic and points to another place, not wanting you to find her secret in that creepy room, unbeknownst of your current knowledge.

You do feel kind of safer knowing Supergirl is around. She said it herself, she won't let you get hurt for a story. She certainly won't let you explode just not to compromise her secret identity. Right? Right.

On your way out the three of you find the room with all Lex's hardcopies of clear wrongdoings. You grab everything you can see and get out of there less than a minute before the whole place explodes.

You make it back to National City, digging through papers, unraveling conspiracy theories and mazes of wickedness. Kara Danvers is snoring on the chair in front of yours, tired from keeping secrets and burning bridges. And Lena is also examining the documents in silence. When you can't read another word, you turn to her,

"Tough day, huh."

"Running into the atrocities my brother is responsible for, is not exactly a walk in the park for me."

Great fucking quote. Not on record, though.

"Sorry we didn't find him. Though I have to admit, I'd be a bit scared if we did." 

"I don't blame you. I would have too." Lena smiles absently and a little bit too sincere. You can tell she immediately wishes to take it back. You're a journalist, after all.

"Well, you've dealt with all those Eve clones pretty well. I'm glad you and -" You stop yourself, looking at Kara. She is not sweet doofus Kara Danvers anymore. It's pretty much real to you that she literally is the strongest person on Earth and she could have ended all those clones in probably one blow.

Lena agrees with a nod, following your eyes. "She actually fights pretty decently, I didn't know that about Kara." 

You furrow your brows, confused. "You didn't?"

"Honestly, no. I wonder where she was hiding all those moves."

"Yeah. And I wonder why." You whisper to yourself, staring at Kara. Is she really asleep? No way to know, she is such a good liar. She might actually be the greatest actor of all time. How else would she have kept this secret from her best friend for so long?

 "Anyway, heard you need a quote from me to get back to Metropolis."

You take a deep breath, mostly annoyed with your editor for making you work so hard for a damn quote, but also kind of offended that all of your investigative skills and team work will be reduced to one scandalous quote from Lena Luthor. You literally uncovered a web of lies and terrible plans, but hey, that's not what he asked you for, so it probably won't even be used.

"I suppose it's what I came here for."

You grab your notebook next to you, waiting for her quote.

"Ready?" She asks and you nod your head, pen on the paper ready to write down whatever she says. "I think you're so much better than what the Daily Planet gives you credit for, and I believe CatCo is always in need of a fine reporter like you."

You stop writing, raising your head at her, confused. "What?"

"And I should know what CatCo needs, since I'm the owner."

"What?" How did you not know that, when it's precisely your job to know everything about the woman you came here to interview.

"And if offering you a job is not enough of a reason for you to consider staying in National City, I'd like to add that I, too, would like to have you closer." Lena's voice drops an octave and an eyebrow is raised. My God, she is sexy.

"With the risk of sounding like a broken record, what?"

Lena laughs, honest and carefree. Wrinkles under her eyes and it has to be one of the most beautiful things you've ever seen. "I'll let you consider it. If you decide not to stay, I'll give you the quote."

"Oh, ok." Your cheeks burn red. "Thanks, Lena."

When you finally make it to National City, Lena offers both of you a ride, but you and Kara decide to share an uber to your side of the town.

"We've uncovered some pretty sensible information on this trip to Kaznia." Kara says as soon as Lena gets inside her car. "And I know you must be dying to do an exposé-"

Does she know? Does Kara know what you saw in that weird bedroom? That you finally have put two and two together and noticed the obvious? Is she scared you're going to tell the world? 

"But we have to be careful on how we're going to play this. If we blow the whistle on Lex, he could just go back to hiding and-"

"What?"

"Oh sorry, sometimes I talk too fast. I meant Lex and whoever is helping him inside the government. Obviously he had help to break aliens out of the DEO facility and-"

She doesn't know. Haven't got the faintest idea. Kara Danvers is here blabbing about Lex Luthor while you have this huge information about her. And about Clark.

"Oh my God Danvers, shut up." It's out of your mouth before you can stop it. Her eyes widen and you point to the car that just arrived. "I don't wanna talk about Lex, ok? I got hurt because of him, because of this damn crusade the Daily Planet put me through." You signal for the driver then slide inside the car. Kara follows you promptly. And with no amenities the driver just goes.

"Look, I know it was tough out there. But you did so well. You-you found this!" Kara is holding the documents so tight, like they would just fly out of her hands if she didn't. 

"Yeah, and I also almost died for those stupid sheets of paper. I'm not Nancy Drew, ok?"

"You are!” You look at her in disbelief. “At least, you were out there!"

"Stop, ok? This means nothing to me! I'm not you, Danvers! I'm not ok with putting my life at risk for a fucking assignment. I really am not getting paid enough and I only have this one life."

"What are you talking about?" Kara asks and you raise your eyebrow at her as an answer, not wanting to share more. "What? You think I'm a cat with nine lives?"

You can't help a laugh that leaves your mouth. A very ironic one. Sour and hostile. It makes her wince at the sound.

"Damn, you really are the biggest dweeb I've ever seen."

She huffs, moving uncomfortably on the seat next to you. You ignore her, staring out the window. You don't even like National City that much, but you're honestly so glad to be here right now.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but we're writing this together, aren't we? We have to decide on what can we expose and-"

"UGH." It's the only sound out of your mouth. You're so tired. You flew to Kaznia; the plane you were in almost crashed; you had to fight evil clones and you got beat up by one (which is rather embarrassing); you found out your work-colleague and your almost-nemesis' secret identities; and you also found out what the hell Lex is up to. You're exhausted. Right now, the only thing you want is to go back home, but stupid Kara Danvers won't shut up. "I wish Eve had punched your face instead of mine."

"WHAT?" Kara yells so loud, even the driver jumps in his seat. "Sorry, sorry." She apologizes to him, then turns back at you. "That's such a mean thing to say!"

"Why? It's not like you can feel anything." You roll your eyes, hand going to the cut on the side of your cheek that still burns.

"Of course I can feel things." 

She's barely finished with her sentence and you're adding, "Oh my God, you let me get punched for nothing."

"I'm so confused right now."

"I KNOW, OK?" It's your time to yell, making the driver almost lose control of the car, and you have to hold yourself on Kara not to knock your head on the window. When the car finally stabilizes again, you continue. "I know you helped land the plane. I know you could've taken down all Eves by yourself. And I know about you and- and Clark." You stare deep into her eyes. "I know who you are."

Kara swallows deep, so loud you could hear it perfectly, and you're sure the driver could too. "Stop the car."

"Ma'am, we're in the middle of nowhere."

"Stop. The. Car." She repeats strongly, commanding. Must be her Supergirl voice. And the driver is not going to argue twice, so he does. He stops the car in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Kara pulls you by the hand and there's no fighting. Not when the strongest woman on the planet wants you out of the car, anyway.

So you stand there, with nothing but trees around while your ride home leaves you behind. You cross your arms and stare at her. God, you wish you were home. You wish you were never sent to this assignment. You wish you were never entangled in this mess with Kara Danvers. You wish you could just hate her from a distance instead from up close.

"How did you figure it out?"

"Well, you fighting all those clones with your bare hands was a pretty big tell. But what confirmed my suspicions was that weird altar they had for you there."

"You saw that too?"

"Yeah, it was pretty bizarre. I mean, who would have so many pictures of doofus Kara Danvers?"

"HEY! I'm not-" She huffs, unable to defend herself. "Whatever."

Kara walks from side to side, hands on the side of her head, clearly freaking out because you know her secret and she can't trust you. How could she? You're a random reporter who just came from Metropolis to find a story. And you did, you found the biggest one you could ever look for, and now you know the secret identity of two of the most powerful superheroes on the planet. 

She finally breathes out all the weight off her shoulders, and comes closer, really close. So close she touches the cut on your cheek. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you get hurt." And you've known this woman for two weeks, but you know she means it. Can read it in her watery eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't realize how scared you were. I'm sorry I couldn't be Supergirl there."

"Because Lena doesn't know." 

"Well, you weren't supposed to know either." She shrugs. Hands on your chin, eyes staring right at your soul. You dare to look at her lips, so close, so so close. Right there.

"Hey," You look back at her eyes and notice how scared she is. You know her secret, her biggest secret. You know a part of her not everyone knows. Not even her best friend! So you hold her free hand. "I promise your secret is safe with me. I know you have no reason to believe me. I mean, I didn't even like you until two days ago, so I understand the distrust. But this is a big thing. Bigger than whatever is between me and Kara Danvers. I would never put people's life at risk."

"Thank you." Kara gives your hand a little squeeze. "But what do you mean you didn't like me? I thought, I thought we were…"

"What? Friends?" A little smirk.

"Flirting." She admits and you gulp, taking your hand away from hers. She understands the signal so she lets go of your face too, but doesn't stop talking.  "I thought it was all flirting banter."

It was. She is right. But you just can't admit this to her, or anyone.

So you let a sharp and deceitful laugh out. "Oh please. Even on a good day, we're barely amicable."

Kara furrows her brows, looking like a lost puppy and when she opens her mouth to argue, you cut her off, not ready for this conversation at all. 

"So, do we get another uber or is Supergirl flying me to my hotel room? I really need to lay down after all this."

"Yeah. Yeah." She won't raise her head or look you in the eyes, but still picks you up in bridal style. "Hold tight."

Kara starts flying and you can't help but to hold her with everything you have. You can't believe you just gave Kara Danvers the power to drop you from a very tall height. You venture a peek down and holy fucking shit you are way too high. If she drops you, you're dead for sure.

You hide your face in Kara's neck. Breathe her in, and oh God she smells so good even after almost exploding in Kaznia. Ugh. Your stomach is all in knots and you wish you could just rationalize this strangled feeling, but right now Kara Danvers/ Supergirl/ Whoever is carefully taking you home, might be the person you loathe the most. Or love. You can't decide.

[mdhwrites]

The Grimwalker as a concept was so weird. Mainly that Hunter was all 'ohhhh no we cant tell them im a spooky Grimwalker!' But... why would anyone care? The only reason given is that hes a reincarnation of a guy nobody even knows or cares about. Theres not even like, a spooky myth about Grimwalkers because its got such a vague ruleset and premise. He's barely different from a demon.

That COULD have linked to the demon discrimination plotline youve talked about, but there is none so it cant be that. Which i understand was partially because Dana wanted the gays to just exist, so she scrapped discrimination in general. But, a big part of forming cultures and identity is 'Otherness'. People compare themselves to others and define themselves by how theyre different. So scrapping discrimination ends up making the witchs and demons feel like nothing. They have nothing to compare their identity and culture against because theres just no conflict to spark comparison.

This lack of substance also means the fans don't care about Grimwalkers. See the moring comic where the Grimwalker was turned into ANOTHER way to say 'haha Boscha so cringe amirite? point and laugh because she has nobody who loves her.' even though the grimwalker is to reincarnate the dead.

OH MY GOD I'M SO HAPPY SOMEONE ELSE NOTICED THAT! *SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER* Like I know Mark just writes Boscha how the entire fandom sees her (which hasn't helped me enjoy A Hint of Blue, not that I think it's good regardless) but seriously what the fuck!? Why do that to her except just to be mean!?

*sighs* What were we talking about? OH RIGHT! Grimmwalkers.

So for why Hunter has anxiety, it actually is because TOH is doing a very basic clone/artificial human storyline with Hunter and those arcs are actually a lot more internally motivated than externally motivated. Clone lives a life believing they're their own person, then one day finds out they're not, perceives themselves as less because of this distinction but then in the end decides that regardless of their origin, they are their own person and so throw off their shackles, embrace who they are and become better for it. It has nothing to do with race and while it is baby's first clone story, I also still like it conceptually because, well, there's a reason why it's the default clone story. It especially is good for kid's media because while the clone can struggle with the anxiety of it, their friends never have to actually be bad or discriminatory against them because the point is loving yourself for who you are and not who you were made to be.

But I've talked before about how this basic framework actually has a Catch 22 built into it when it comes to Hunter... Which apparently Tumblr wants to tell me I've never done before. Thanks search function. The short version is that this template requires not only a rejection of what they were made for but for them to become distinctly different, usually opposite, to their purpose/original. For Hunter, he only knows Belos so this takes shape in trying to be the opposite of him. The problem is that the opposite of Belos... Is Caleb. Who Hunter mimics in every action he takes after getting away from Belos. There's literally no way to follow this template without adding complexities like him accepting his true origin and being okay/happy with that, something that was probably unlikely in general but especially wasn't going to happen with the shortening, which I will actually give people for. Because the Grimmwalker twist happens so late, they either had to cut it or had no time to actually do anything with it which like... Why not cut it? You did nothing with it and it actually made sure you didn't have the time to actually have Hunter reject Belos' morality so that his redemption doesn't come across as self serving and for survival more than an actual, you know, change to his beliefs.

As for how interesting Grimmwalkers are... They're just clones. Boilerplate, boring clones. Make a body based on another person, put memories in, BAM! Got yourself a clone. Doesn't get more classic than that. It's hardly even magical honestly besides the components, especially with how it actually doesn't give them magic despite those components, or have weird quirks since they're not actually made of flesh and blood, elements that the fans have had a lot of fun with that the show never does, though admittedly part of that is due to how late it happens. Then again, all magic in TOH is boring so it's not likely they would have anyways. Also, you know, a lot of shows will do a single clone episode and have more fun and magic to it than TOH does with one of their core cast members being one so *shrug*

Now, for the final part, I do want to also touch on the 'other' aspect because while discrimination is one way to do it, you can get this across in other ways. One such way is the core defining trait of the Grimmwalker from a tangible standpoint: He doesn't have magic. In a society that mostly has magic, him not having it is a big deal. It's literally what gives him and Willow their first connection as a couple, as insulting as that scene actually should be to Hunter.

And then Hunter is 'fixed' when he gains his magic. His 'other' status removed because he's a real boy now. *SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH*

I have so much more I could say about TOH and 'The Other' (made a blog about a lot of it between writing this draft and publish) but I'll leave it at that so it actually stays on topic instead of the half a dozen tangents I've deleted. None of this makes it good by the way and with how TOH tackles most subjects like this, it's incredibly unlikely that more time would have made it better. After all, being a Grimmwalker is only one of like a half dozen TANTALIZING character/arc concepts for Hunter that are never addressed. The fact that he is trained to kill witches and likely has. His relationship with the Isles because he doesn't have inherent magic. The fact that he is filled with such care for the nation and its government that it blocks out all else in his world. How a sheltered child reacts when they suddenly have freedom and are thrust into the wider world. Etc. etc. that are just footnotes to the writers more than anything to actually build a complete arc around or else they wouldn't have just keep adding to the angst bucket without actually resolving any of it.

So of course Grimmwalkers are bland while being a fine to good concept that's then made terrible by narrative implication or neglect. That's EVERYTHING to do with Hunter.

======+++++=====

Sidenote for this one: It is funny that Dana wanted there to be no bigotry in the Isles when her villains entire scheme is through religious persecution. You know, bigotry. Whole other blog I could go into.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[warsamongthestars]

There's a whole heaping lot of nonsense in TBB, honestly, and its not even the good shit.

I mean, there's bits, but a bit ain't a scene or an episode, yeah?

TBBshow seems to run on the idea of that character interaction, conversation, quirks or just breathers, are all filler--that anything that isn't immediately serving the (immediate) plot is pointless.

And I'm gonna tell ya--that's a bit like serving pie without the filling. That's like serving bread crust because the soft light bits were "filler". That is like creating the aroma of frying eggs or onions--and then just serving a cup of the resulting grease instead.

Like, congrats, you know how to mid-max speed run 100%... in the wrong fucking medium.

If you're wondering by now, what I mean by heaping nonsense--its literally the Plot Pushy Bullshit. Congratulations, doing things that only forward the maiden plot, makes your story stupid. If I want something that is simply pure plot, I would pick up a Pre-Schooler's Naptime book.

There's a reason the strongest episodes in TBB are those that center around its main characters (That aren't Omega)--the Single Crosshair and Single Tech episodes, are the strongest episodes and stories, on show, because they rely on the development of their already strongly written characters.

When you sacrifice Character for Plot, you have effectively boiled something down to being a blank pawn on the board.

Too many fall under the idea that everything that isn't immediately action oriented plot, must be Filler, and I gotta tell ya pal, if you don't have the patience to reach the story at it strengths--the problem isn't the story, its PEBCAK.

( Part of it is the environment we've all been in. High pace information environments have this bad habit of destroying natural animal patience. Which means actually sitting yourself down, and learning how to watch paint dry is probably the best cure for it. )

Any writer can do character. In fact, for example, most fanfics are nothing but character driven.

The strongest shows out here, are all character driven.

... Star Wars OG, while it started with being driven by plot stocks, became character driven by the end.

Most of the Prequel Series is character driven (if too dialogue heavy... )

The whole TCWshow is character Driven, in fact, it turned the Clones from CGI Carboard cutout redshirts into a full blown implied culture of people.

( In fact, TCWshow is So character driven, they had to plot out why these characters would have to fail come Revenge of the Sith, because at the rate they were going, they were about to hit critical AU and solve Star Wars before the OG trilogy could )

So "Logically Following Plot" is just as bad as characters "Following Logical Actions at All Times". I cringed every time I saw TBB try to "logic" its plot out every episode (which honestly makes me think that AI was involved as some point, because it was almost dream-like how it tried to march to... a conclusion. Certainly none of the ones we got, but some imaginary conclusion. )

( It air and write during the Writer's Strikes, and a lot of Disney stuff was AI written as a result. Lookin' at you, Wish. )

ADDENDUM:

Folks keep saying "If they only had more time". DUDES. OVER THE GARDEN WALL, BY CARTOON NETWORK, WAS ONLY 10 EPISODES, MADE (Written, Voiced, Animated, All of it) IN UNDER A YEAR, WITH CHARACTER, SYMBOLISM, SECRETS AND AN ALL STAR CAST. I am tired of hearing about "Oh they needed more time". That's an excuse at this point. No they didn't, they need actual Talent and Skill and a Love for the Process.

[autistic-crypt1d]

Stargate SG-1 Live Blogging:

Season 9

I can't believe I'm already on 9, I swear 5-7 went by so fast

Seasons: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Updates:

- Avalon: Part 1

- how and why did they make the gate intro worse. It was so good and now it looks so animated

- I don't really understand why Mitchell was treated so differently than all the other people who were in that battle

- Vala!

- how did she even know how to find them?

- Daniel is so fed up

- "Let's make babies!" bruh XD

- ok I admit it, this group is really funny together

- Avalon: Part 2

- "give me a minute" *reaches* "not a minute" *reaches again* "still not a minute" XD

- "bullets bounce!" *makes lines in the air* Cam is so fucking goofy help

- "how much worse can it get?!" *ceiling starts to collapse* "it was a mistake the moment I said it. The moment."

- I'm sorry the fact that they added fucking mardi gras beads in the treasure is so funny

- oh god the device

- here we go

- oh god here it comes :(

- 😭

- oh god, the way he holds her body 😭

- Origin

- the ruins in the water is so cool

- lost some notes here

- god the Ori are so annoying

- the possession scene was cool, I'll give it that

- LET'S GO TEAM!!!

- this scene between Jack and Daniel is filmed really weirdly, it seems like they're not actually in the same room and they used stunt doubles for some reason. The way they keep flipping with only a single shot of both at the end is so odd

- The Ties That Bind

- god Daniel and Cam are such a silly ass team

- THE BOTTLES

- ew ew ew ew ew

- ah yes, the Lucian Alliance

- bro ROASTED O'Neill

- The Powers That Be

- THE PLAY

- "it was a whopper" XD

- smacks the cage XD

- I forgot Cam gets infected here

- her reaction 😭

- Beachead

- the team is so cute is love them

- UGH not this Goa'uld, he's so annoying 😭

- Sam!!!

- nuke free career, yeeeaaaaah should've thought about that before joining SG-1 my guy

- tha arm grab XD

- "yo" good lord Cam

- I'm sorry but with how smart Sam is, how tf did she not figure this out sooner

- the supergate is literally the only cool thing that the Ori do

- Ex Deus Machina

- woah I do not remember this at all

- I'm sorry Jaffa in an office building is so goofy

- 'I'll follow your laws but uh I put a bomb somewhere just in case that's not enough for you' BRUH

- the patch rip XD

- god, the Ba'al clones

- Babylon

- ahhh yes this one, the prelude to one of my favorite episodes of these seasons, the one with those mutant things

- it's so hard not to see him as Ben from Grey's Anatomy, I always forget he plays this guy until I see this episode again

- bruh I completely forgot that this prior is played by the same dude that plays Cancer Man on X-Files

- Prototype

- "I thought it was always our fault" XD

- OH IT'S THIS EPISODE

- mini anubis

- I'm sorry but mini anubis is so cringe and un-scary

- ascend-o-meter, really

- I get where Woolsey is coming from tbh. The priors are put there, right now, wreaking havoc in the galaxy and this mini Anubis is the closest thing they have to capturing one for study in order to fight them. Is it a good idea? No, but they don't have any better ones right now

- well that tracks

- ah yes, stand in front of the door, smart

- Daniel and Cam walking up the ramp shooting is pretty damn cool gotta say

- "sounds to me like you might find out in yourself too forgive me" "no" ouch

- The Fourth Horseman (Part 1)

- hell yeah Cam, men need to call eachother out on that shit

- PFFFFT the fucking Dark Pariah music XD

- omfg I forgot this is the other Orlin episode

- AHHHH AWKWARD AWKWARD AWKWARD

- The Fourth Horseman (Part 2)

- the scene in the lab where Orlin is talking about his memory loss is so sad :(

- " and what is the measure of a god Garak? Is it the scope of their power, or how they choose to wield that power." TELL HIM TEAL'C

- ow, the final Orlin scene 😭

- Collateral Damage

- oh boy this one

- god I'm sorry but this team is so boring without Vala. Cam doesn't have enough to his character to make up for the loss of Jack, Vala made up that difference

- I recognize the scientist woman from somewhere

- :(

- Ripple Effect

- oh boy is this the alternate reality teams one??

- IT IS!!!

- they didn't notice that they came back in different uniforms???

- good lord Mitchel

- Dr Frasier 😭

- PFFFT the Martouf and Sam(s) scene XD

- "What were you expecting?" "Well, pants for one" XD

- KVASIR APPEARING BETWEEN THEM LIKE A CHILD IS SO FUNNY

- Kvasir's speech and immediate beam out is so funny

- this Teal'c is so mean :(

- I like to think that the fact that he never has to cut a wire to diffuse something was intentional, that the other Mitchel was just fucking with him

- Janet 😭

- I miss her so much

- Stronghold

- I mean, she's right. The women need to be able to vote before democracy can actually work, you can't ignore a huge chunk of the population. Sucks that she did it for bad reasons though.

- "Teal'c is family, I don't like people screwing with my family" DAMN RIGHT

- YAY!!! JAFFA DEMOCRACY!!!

- :(

- Ethon

- ugh these people again, I skipped their first episode, Icon

- MCNAB?!?!?!

- stop this is so sad 😭

- I forgot this is how the Prometheus goes down 😭

- I hate this dude so much

- :(

- Off the Grid

- why do they all look so good in those outfits

- Ba'al having to hike up his robe and step through the door is so funny

- Teal'c is so cool

- "we are indeed suitably employed" XD

- The Scourge

- the bug one! For some reason I always thought this one had Jack in it

- oh gross this part

- bro glasses guy is so fucking annoying

- hell yeah Woolsey

- the fact they do movie nights is so cute

- Arthur's Mantel

- finally back to the Arthurian stuff

- THIS ONE!!

- the shoves XD

- let's go Daniel!!!

- their high-five was so cute

- I forgot how spooky dude looked

- damn it Bill

- their little shrugs XD

- "did ya even think about that" "I did not"

- shoves part 2 XD

- Crusade

- Vala!!!

- god this shit is sad 😭

- Camelot

- Cam, you're such a show off

- THE EASTER BUNNY

- "I was Kel-no-reeming" uhuh, sure Cam

- "good thing or bad thing?" *screaming in the distance "bad thing" XD

- HELL YEAH GIRL

- GET HIM MITCHELL

- the beam out bit in this show will never stop being funny to me

- the supergate is so cool

- also the Human, Jaffa, Lucian Alliance, and Asgard all battling these things is awesome

- :(

Season 10

[eriexplosion]

Clone Wars - Clone Cadets

DOMINOES DOMINOES DOMINOES.

Bravery, valor, unity, the lifeblood of victory on the battlefield

This is very funny because I think they put this bit over a clip from Hidden Enemy which, no matter how you look at it, is certainly not an episode about unity.

Anyway there's a lot dropped into this opening including that all of the clones teachers were bounty hunters, surely a group of people well known for their patience and gentle handling of children. Also, "Bred to be perfect soldiers, these cadets must first be subjected to intense physical and mental training before heading off to war" is simply a sentence that gives me the heebiest of jeebies.

The different vibes the chronological order gives to the clones existence continues to be blatant though. Like I know I've pointed it out several times in these but like, it really is front loaded with some truly terrible content when it comes to clone mistreatment, and having Slick's episode lead into clones dropping every five seconds in the movie into this episode about their training from birth to almost inevitable battlefield death is just a lot. I CARE A LOT ABOUT CLONES AND I WANT SOMETHING BETTER FOR THEM DAMN IT.

MY CHILDREN ARE HERE THOUGH. And god but baby Echo is so stressed all the time. Nobody is in formation. They don't like their nickname. Everyone is shouting. They insist on calling Fives by his full CT number and it makes thank yous a very intensive process. Don't worry, if you think your team is difficult to keep track of now it won't be long until you find yourself with and even crazier one. The audacity of this simulation being The Citadel though given what happens. AUDACITY.

And 99 ;A; Treasure.

"YOU'VE NEVER EVEN MET A GIRL" remains one of the funniest throwaway lines in the show.

Baby Echo though has one (1) thought and it's WE NEED TO FOLLOW ORDERS, PLEASE DEAR GOD. And instead all they get is punched. Team Cohesion? Never heard of it.

Leave my man alone he's just fucking standing there why you gotta bring him into it? Anyway this line makes me really wonder why we haven't heard ANYTHING about 99 in TBB, like it just seems that in two seasons we should have gotten something about the guy that they're named after in two different ways.

Ma'am, I think that you've been here long enough to have noticed that Lama Su does not care about petty things like 'the rights of living beings.' Shaak Ti is one of my most Complicated Feelings Jedi, though, because she'll say things like this and later talk about Fives as property and kind of treat him like it too. (Permanently thinking about when Fives was trying to see what the hell they were doing to Tup and Shaak Ti closes the shutter on him without a word.)

I do think she sincerely feels empathy for the clone troopers but I'm not convinced that translates into '100% believes they are full human beings" just going by actions through the show. "You Jedi show too much compassion" sure but Lama Su thinks literally anything is too much compassion, it's not a high bar.

Every day I am caught in the conundrum of what's likely just writer inconsistency.

GOD THE ABSOLUTE AWKWARD SILENCE AFTER COLT ASKS HOW THE DOMINO SQUAD IS. RIP BOYS.

Still love that they named that poor bastard Droidbait. Do you think it puts a damper on things when Echo and Fives look back and remember their squad like you can be normal about mourning Hevy and Cutup but you try to memorialize Droidbait and shit gets awkward. You'll never believe what happened to their good friend. Droidbait.

It is interesting that leaving a man behind is an automatic fail only because every other thing we see with the clones is that the mission comes first and individual clones are expendable. But still, not the vibe they were going for with this episode so the rules change accordingly.

Bric is definitely on the list of most unlikable characters for his whole scene with Cutup. Fuck this guy throw him into the ocean. Complete counter to the sweet scene with 99 trying to encourage Hevy.

"Stop calling me that. We're just numbers 99. Just numbers." "Not to me. To me... you've always had a name."

LINES THAT MAKE ME WANT TO FUCKING SOB EVERY TIME. I absolutely adore 99 and we do not get enough time with him.

Do not like that Shaak Ti validates Bric's assholery by letting his actively trying to fuck over the cadets slide. Yes Jedi wisdom or whatever but genuinely fuck this guy.

And of course... the Hevy and 99 scene at the end. "We'll see each other again. How else am I supposed to get this back from you?" Agonizing. AGONIZING.

This is one of the episodes I think works much better in its original order. Watching it chronologically is interesting of course, but can't bring the unmatched brutality of seeing them try so hard for a victory knowing that in almost no time at all three of them are going to be dead anyway and that Hevy is never coming back for that medal. So yeah, not too far in and we've hit at least one that definitely works best as a flashback.

[crazy56u]

Just woke up 15 minutes ago, let's do this.

Once again, no saga sell. Meanwhile, in a pre-SAG-AFTRA Strike Hollywood...

Why do I get the feeling this guy was originally meant to be played by Kevin Costner?

"So, no filters." So, I take it this is at least in the 90s?

A movie where a scientist clones shit, I think I saw that on MST3K.

And right off of the bad, we're waxing poet about scripts. That's how you know this aired after the Writer's Strike ended.

Hey, look who finally decided to show back up to work!

I still say Tom's getting retconned through Ben preventing the time skip at the end of the season.

"This is the stuff dreams are made of." If that is meant to hint at my earlier theory being correct…

I swear to God, I thought Ian was wearing a red hat.

I feel like this was the cheapest episode to make, given how this was filmed without sets.

April 4th, 2000. Two fours, and a leap year, so of course Not Kevin Bacon died.

Hey, Ben, look on the bright side, this is pre-Jimmy Fallon-era Tonight Show. ...but, that does mean Jay Leno...

"Old address", teah, sure, keep telling yourself that…

Ben, I'm willing to bet you just lost him.

"Damn, I really suck at this Hollywood thing. … Addison, can we do commercials early?" "Yeah, why not…"

"Who loses Neil Russell?" People who don't love him?

And Ben commits a federal crime, and opens another man's mail.

A backyard wedding? In 2000?

And Ben almost gets run over by Roman soldiers.

"I think I may have blindsided people this morning, I don't think they expected me to come back to the show."

"What do you think about your first leap?" "…technically, wasn't that the bank robbery one?"

You know, while we're wasting time with this Tom and Addison shit, we could've seen more of Ben hitching a ride with the Romans.

"Hey, Rachel, no biggie, but I saw a thing on a computer, and I'm slightly freaking the fuck out."

Ben's got a golden ticket, this is the closest we will get to him leaping into Willy Wonka.

Look, who among us hasn't found themselves lying on the floor?

Ben, the biggest sitcom on TV was Full House, shut up.

…why is Neil's life slowly turning into Season 1 of Bojack Horseman?

"We get him to Leno, everyone wins. Literally the only time someone ever said that ironically."

"Look, please, I know I crashed your wedding, but I wanna get married again, this is 100% not a nervous breakdown."

"He's a sidekick, he's not a leading man! He doesn't vaguely remind the audience of Bojack Horseman!"

Uh oh, the badass brought out the whipping stick!

"Oh, wait, you're an agent, I'm not mad anymore."

"I don't wanna think, I don't wanna talk, I just wanna go on a boat-" "Okay, let's calm down!"

I wonder how Jay Leno must feel knowing this entire episode is built around him…

"I was quitting way too soon, we're only 15 minutes in!"

"We're winning Laura back!" And Ben and Addison low-key have a stroke.

Meanwhile, in... Blade Runner, I guess.

"Ian? Why are we in the blue dimension, and why do I suspect it involves Project-bullshit?"

What if it turns out this chip was what Jenn was talking about, and nothing else secretive was going on?

"Unless you find Ben, you'll never have a TV show."

Ian, you know what show you're on, you fucking know lying won't work in the long run.

"I can deal with your savior complex." That was a straight faced lie.

…was he calling Charlie Sheen? "Charlie Carter." Okay, thank God- okay, they're connected to Katzenberg, nevermind.

"You know, I once helped a bounty hunter-" "I thought you were never going to talk about Las Vegas, Summer?"

"How do you know she's the one?" "Because if she ain't, I'm getting on a boat and dying at sea."

And Neil indirectly shames Addison.

"And you're just drifting through life, lost, putting right what once went wrong-"

"We got flowers, we got the opera legend, we just gotta commit a crime!"

Robbing a wax museum. Only in Hollywood.

Addison, you can't keep shitting on Ben behind his back, he will find out, and he will get pissed.

"Ben's earned a little leadership. As a treat."

And Magic delivers some awful books. (ba-dum-ching!)

We're now in a horror movie, hot fucking damn.

Okay, I legitimately almost screamed after Not Yoda Jumpscare.

Is Not Jason Vorhees about to spring to life, I legitimately am getting freaked out the longer we stay here.

"Just get the tuxedo and go." "POLICE, OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU'RE ROBBING THE WAX MUSEUM!"

Ben, you know what you have to do: Help Neil pick his cuffs, and escape the cops.

I don't like how quickly Ben learned the Hollywood magic of gaming the system.

But, hey, at least the cop took the bribe.

I don't know how Jenn is able to read that book, if that spotlight is shining directly at her like that.

I technically called it about that chip thing.

"So, that shitty chip is the only think letting us find Ben? Ian, no offense, but you suck at this."

"This is destiny, Summer. You know what happened the last time I tried to talk my way out of an arrest?!"

"Did Plan A go wrong?" "Ben, Neil almost got fucking arrested, what do you think?"

"It's about his daughter." "No, it's about Laura." (why-not-both.gif)

Addison, that is what we in the field like to call "Overplaying Your Hand". Now Ben's mad mad.

We have officially reached the "Relationship Bullshit Event Horizon".

"Hey, Frank, why is that agent yelling at a ghost about being abandoned for three years?" "Forget it, Jake, it's Hollywood." "I fucking hate you for making that joke."

"You know what else I did? (pointedly leaves the Imaging Chamber)"

Addison, no offense, but I'm still on Ben's side, not yours.

"Hey, Summer, why do you look like your heart got stomped on? Come on, we gotta crash a wedding!"

There is a non-zero percent chance that mug has bourbon in it.

"Hey, Addison, I know you and Ben had that fight, but I gotta talk to someone about this chip-"

"We have a few last minute flowers." "Ma'am, I know that Neil is hiding behind them."

"Summer, the bushes ate our tulips. I told you this would happen!"

Okay, having quickly looked this up, The Wedding Crashers came out in 2005, so if it turns out Ben indirectly caused the movie to exist-

"Neil, look, you're very sweet, but I am now convinced this is a nervous breakdown, do you need a blanket, or…"

"Look, time's passed, neither of us are the same people anymore. ...I can't help but notice your agent has that look on her face, so maybe that relates to her as well, but, I gotta go get married, have fun."

I'm actually impressed that Neil didn't bolt while Ben was busy apologizing to Addison.

"We still have 'The Tonight Show'." "Nah, fuck that, call me Ishmael."

[Annnnnnnnnd text limit!]

[moodymeangirl]

the 'focus on your likes not your wants' post but instead of replacing your yearning/disinterest with the supposed satisfaction that comes with 'remembering u completed an activity'... it's not fucking around with definitions of when positive feelings occur and why this makes them useful, it's just:

i may not want to exercise, but when im doing exercise, i enjoy myself.

i may not want to write but i enjoy the process of writing.

i may not want to wake up early, but i enjoy the feelings of doing so.

literally if u enjoy doing something do that. don't worry about starting it and don't worry about finishing it. you're not here to work, to complete tasks computer style and go wow I completed a task, you're here to live. to be. however hard u try to feel satisfied about your achievement in the eyes of the world, however happy ur ego is, if you didn't enjoy the journey - you will not refind the motivation from pretending that u did.

it's okay for an activity to suck and u do it because u are choosing to. the only way u should ever be sitting back thinking 'mmm I feel good knowing I like doing that thing even tho I didn't want to' is if u actually enjoy the thing you did. lying to yourself after to feel productive is self-harm.

if u don't enjoy something, don't try and motivate yourself to do it by convincing yourself that feelings of social accomplishment are the same as feelings of joy, of enjoyment.

you know if you're enjoying something, you do not need the completion, the win, the everyone sees me, or the practical benefit to know that. self help garbage that is mistaking 'liking how it feels to achieve socially' for 'liking doing the activity' will rob you of your joy.

listen to yourself be aware of and revel in your enjoyment whenever and wherever you find it and protect that.

if you actually do like doing a particular activity, what's outlined in that post is irrelevant to your positive experience of it. you'll already be motivated to do it, including those times you don't wanna.

the post isn't directed at those folk, it's directed at people who didn't actually like it, they just liked a benefit they have convinced themselves they got after the fact, and there's no two ways around it: they will bury their own joys in a bed of clones which can apparently only be identified after the fact.

seems like rly damaging, capitalist advice. reads like a deliberate linguistic misdirection designed to produce productive people, who are practiced at forcing themselves to the end point of a job, who are comfortable expecting to not be able to identify their own thoughts and feelings till they've finished it, and who are unilaterally willing to do something they do not know if they will like, on the mere basis that it seems like a thing to be done/a perceived authority is saying so.

that's not to say hinging what you do on whether you feel like doing anything at all, is somehow healthy or reflective of whether you'll be glad you did. like no, of course not.

sometimes you'll know it's your fav thing or you'll know the benefit you recieve and you'll just rly not wanna do a task today. it's not healthy for everything you do to hinge on if u rn feel like it. but twisting 'i do this because i like it' into

'the way to identify your enjoyment is to ignore your before feelings and not-even-acknowlege-your-feelings-during-as-existing and then only engage with your feelings after the fact and based on those, that's how u know you liked it'.

the text knows that after most shitty things in capitalism u will recieve some kind of hollow social benefit which usually makes u feel minutely more like u belong. identifying that satisfaction as being tied to genuinely liking something is gross. and predatory. and gross.

i doubt this book meant to. but it did so.

99% of personal philosophy and self help from today's western capitalist societies will always be horseshit no matter their pov, because the framework will always be flawed at a fundamental level.

so much advice is like, almost gold. and u reblog it and it stays with u and three weeks later ur like hmm i will now look deeper into its linguistics i will see what meanings actually are here and aren't and ur like okay there's a small semantic dissonance and u open that small dissonance to see what's in it and BOOM POW CAPITALISM!!!!!!!!!! comes flying outta there fully powered up and ready to take over ur brain like the parasitic devil that it is and ur like ohhhhhh. shit now i have to point this out like the spoilsport semantics-liker that i am:

[clannfearrunt]

Actually I wasn't expecting this to get rb'd around so I don't think I made some things clear enough so I wanna address some stuff!

#man that adds extra horror to all those infection aus too #they literally have no immune defenses #damn does this mean in any 'last surviving human' aus they'd all die out because of whatever pathogens the human would have (tags via @smithy-will-eat-your-babies)

Cephalopods (and other invertebrates) DO have a perfectly good innate immune system!! It's adaptive immunity that they don't have. Adaptive immunity is thought to have evolved in jawed fish approximately 500 million years ago, and also in jawless fish independently as well apparently. Things like idk a frog, human, a shark, the powerful lumpfish, we all have this awesome adaptation! In addition to our innate immune response, we also have the ability to adapt to new pathogens and remember them when we encounter them again.

So to explain the difference (as I understand it- if I make any mistakes pls feel free to chime in) and why I was horrified:

The innate immune system is like, the Default Defense you were born with. It's the part of your immune system that looks at a foreign invader and goes UNAUTHORIZED FUCKING THING. BLOW IT UP NOW. Most living things are gonna be pretty decent at this. You have to be, to keep on being a living thing on this Earth. The functions of the innate immune system are genetic, and it does not improve with experience. If you happen to meet a pathogen that has evolved to survive whatever default defenses you were born with, then well. That's that. There's also the risk of managing to fight off an infection, only to immediately be re-infected by the same fucking thing you just fought off, and you start the fight alllll over again the exact same way you just did, with no improvements, because your immune system cannot remember Who this intruder is and how to tailor its response to it specifically. An important thing to remember, though, that not everyone has the same genes, so Squid A might still have been born with a stronger immune system than Squid B, and survive an illness that Squid B might die from. Unless you have a population with very little genetic diversity, like, say, maybe if your country had a habit of cloning soldiers off of tentacle cuttings or something silly like that, then you're prooobably not just going to have everyone wiped out from One Disease. Also, innate immunity within a population can improve over time, but it'll be over the course of generations, not within an individual person.

The adaptive immune system is the part that can learn to identify invaders it's seen before. It's that system of target-tailored antibodies and other fancy shit that makes fighting an infection more efficient. You know how when a human child gets chicken pox once, and then once they recover from that they'll never get sick from chicken pox again? Or how you can get vaccinated against various terrible, deadly diseases, and it'll let your body know how to fight off a real infection without nearly killing yourself in the process? That's adaptive immunity in action. It lets the body remember enemies it's seen before, and respond efficiently. With this ability, you're not just stuck your whole life with whatever Default Stats you happened to be born with - your defenses will improve with experience. This is a big fucking deal!!!

Like. Consider how important the invention of vaccines have been to society. We've eradicated entire deadly diseases through vaccinations. And then to consider this whole society made up of a bunch of species that don't have that option? (Though maybe with gene editing tech they might be able to, idk but that's a pretty advanced tech compared to traditional vaccines) That's horrifying!! Also, the body not being able to adapt to shit it's fought off before also means that if you don't do a good enough job sterilizing your living space after getting sick you might get caught in a death loop of being re-infected over and over until your body just can't keep up the fight anymore. Imagine getting fucking spawncamped by idk the same strain of strep throat that's still hanging out on the toothbrush you forgot to throw out. Scary!

As far as the "Inklings meet a human" scenario goes most pathogens are specific to a host so unless the human just happened to be carrying something that knows how to infect cephalopods, they'll be fine. Given how terrestrial cephalopods weren't even a thing during humantimes I would think the likelihood of a human carrying any pathogen that would know what to do with an Inkling, let alone efficiently enough to cause a significant epidemic, would be fairly slim. You could certainly play with this slim chance though, just keep in mind they're not just inherently all fucked, they do stand a chance as a population. Also remember they have access to medicine and sterilization techniques and such let's be fair 2 them in our horrible pandemic scenarios

@mosspodge said:

dang so a single deady infectious disease could reasonably take out a large portion of if not all inkfish huh. interesting interesting ✍️✍️

I initially put this at top but I reread it and yeah you've got the spirit lol. Like I said, there's still going to be differences in immune response between individuals, so it probably won't wipe out everyone. But it can easily get really bad.

I've been mulling over what this might mean for how their society handles infectious diseases though. I'll probably make its own post, but one thing that's probably taken a lot more seriously than it is in some human societies not naming any names that start with U and end in A, would be quarantining sick individuals. That's probably the very first step they recommend taking, and I would hope they take it seriously enough to actually accommodate it! It won't help much for a disease that has a contagious stage before any symptoms appear, but it's something lol

U can look into sea cucumber toxins but watch out. You might shatter some crucial underlying assumptions you were making with regards to fantasy cephalopod society epidemiology

[explorevenus]

domestic yandere bf!leon headcanons

and by domestic i just mean like no blatant kidnapping n shit like reader and leon have a legitimate relationship but reader has no idea how aggressively he’s pulling strings behind the scenes

btw i’ve had this written out on my laptop for literally two years so a lot of this is ��something permanent’ adjacent but it’s not specific to that universe (for other obvious reasons skdfjivhes)

here we go:

leon is extremely protective like, to the degree of being paranoid. doesn't like when you go anywhere or do anything by yourself, which for most people would be suffocating, but leon was very strategic about implementing this very slowly over time. little do you know that this sentiment of his applies basically all the time, because what would happen if you were to slip and fall in the shower, or have a bad day at work, or anything else off of the infinite list of terrible things that could happen, and he wasn't there?

leon tries to convince you to quit your job and stay at home to let him take care of you, but you refuse, not wanting to have to rely on him completely, especially before you're married. so naturally he takes that very literally and shortly after you get married, leon has a word with your boss and you’re magically fired on the spot. this of course is a huge shock to you and leaves you extremely depressed, and therefore even more reliant on him.

leon is very controlling of you in subtle ways, but more than manipulative enough to disguise it as simply caring for or looking out for you. going to get something to eat? no need, i'll make it for you! having a shower? mind if i join you? just showering, i promise... you woke up with a tummy ache? call out of work and let me take care of you! your check engine light is on? it's not safe for you to take your car, looks like i'll be giving you rides for a while! no, honey, i don't know why your friends have gone cold and stopped reaching out. that's their loss. now we can spend more time together! he'll even go as far as to purposefully place your things in cabinets he knows you can't reach, just as an excuse to help you grab them when you inevitably need them.

leon has every device you own bugged and cloned, and therefore constant access to your every message, call, photo, and all of your socials, and your location, at all times. he doesn't check them incredibly often when he's home with you, but checks up on you constantly when he's away for work. it's not uncommon for you to conveniently receive a call from him whenever you leave the house, stay late at work, go somewhere other than straight home after work, etc etc

leon has cameras hidden fucking everywhere in your place. inside and outside of the front door, two in the kitchen, two in the living room, three in the bedroom, one in the bathroom, and not only can he check them any time, but he also keeps a good amount of the footage, particularly from the bedroom. for. definitely pure reasons. anyway, you already know he spends every second of his very limited free time on missions just watching you on the cameras. 

leon always wants you to be healthy and well, but he loves taking care of you when you’re sick. you get to call out of work and lay in bed all day while he tends to your every need, and in the hours you spend sleeping it off, he just gets to hold you, and pet your hair, and watch your face, listen to your weak breaths and the little noises you make sometimes. come to think of it, it sure is odd how often you seem to be coming down with colds, given how little time you spend outside of the house to begin with...

leon makes an effort to make you perceive your relationship and his actions as normal as possible. he is incredibly careful to keep this behavior under wraps, and will legitimately tell you anything if it means getting you off of his trail. with his government training in de-escalation, the man is a master manipulator and the CEO of successfully gaslighting. "How was visiting your friends today?" "It was good, how did you know I went to see them, though?" "You told me you were going to when I called this morning." "Did I?" "You did. Or maybe I'm the crazy one and I just made a lucky guess." "Well, I guess I must have, then. Though, between the two of us, I think we can agree I'm the crazy one. I can't seem to remember anything right." "That's why you have me to keep your head on straight, princess."

speaking of princess, pet names ! which he loves. he calls you princess, puppy, angel, doll, honey, baby... he didn't used to use them so often, but he quickly took notice of the liking you’d taken to it when he would, so it became a regular thing. anything to make you blush. you’re just too cute!

mkay we gotta talk about sex <33 under the cut NO MINORS

which leon likes to have very very frequently. obviously he's obsessed with you, and it typically only takes being in the room with you for ten full seconds for him to have a hard time fighting off the image of all the things he wants to do to you. he genuinely finds you attractive, irresistible even, in any condition, whether you’re dolled up for him or depressed in bed wearing the same shirt for three days straight, he's just obsessed with and praising of you and your body.

whiiiiich certainly translates through his love-making. a true master of foreplay, having learned every inch of your body like the back of his hand, he knows exactly how to touch you in ways that grant him the most reaction out of you. this man will seriously edge himself for hours getting lost in playing with you, he's highly skilled at giving head and loves to do so. man’s a total munch. it's a relatively surefire way to get your attention for a while and he takes advantage of this often. 

finishing inside of you is practically a must for him, he finds it so intimate and the deepest way to connect with you and gift you a part of himself. he rarely, if ever, cums anywhere else, and when he does, it's usually on your stomach and/or thighs. i don't see him being particularly interested in actually having children though, considering that would mean taking a considerable amount of your attention and focus away from him, and he wants you all to himself.

^^^ lol anyway 

his fave position(s): missionary, so he can watch your face, but with enough convincing he'll let you ride him sometimes, because you want to-- not that he doesn't enjoy it, he just doesn't want you to have to do any of the work! he prefers to spoil you and just let you relax and enjoy yourself.

[saltwukong]

Your Volume 9 Finale Recap

"Oh, not only was it not funny, but you wasted my time." -- Queen Willow Pill

Ultimately, the volume ends exactly the way most of us anticipated: Ruby just decides to be okay, to be enough, or whatever it is she needs to be, with nothing said as to the people being eaten by Grimm in Vacuo as per the norm.

Jaune gets the Cat out of Neo's body by burning parts of the tree so they inhale Vision Quest smoke and Neo can take over again. The fact that the tree is on fire kind of gets dropped after this.

Ruby gets to keep her memories after ascension because fuck you, we don't care.

The end of the episode tries very hard to connect the volume with the actual world of RWBY we've had established up to Volume 8 but that just means trying to give the Brother Gods a backstory. Basically the Ever After is their original home, and they outgrew it and ran off to make other worlds on their own.

The cat gets a very ugly end by being eaten by Jabberwalker clones. Neo doesn't die die but gets to "ascend" die, so either way, we're still reserving the redemption-esque aspects for women and chunking anything that doesn't have appealing titties in the garbage.

Funnily enough, the cat actually does get some screentime in that infodump about the Brother Gods, in which it's basically said that they created the Cat and then dumped their responsiibilities of fixing shit in the Ever After onto it, but forgot to program ascension nonsense into him (or something of the sort) and so the Cat had no means of dying ascending healing changing becoming something not evil after it got its heart broken by Alyx's betrayal. So basically, the Cat and Neo were both stuck with broken hearts and no therapy and both turned evil, but the chick got a second chance and the cat got to be gorily eaten by monsters.

There's a very moralizing air about it all, as usual, with much ado and nonsense being made about the power of self-direction and balance and harmony and god, just kill me. You can go read Kerry's nonsense on Twitter for yourself if you want to.

Following this, Little comes back but is now named Somewhat, because "I'm not one thing, I'm somewhat of a lotta things" and I fucking died of blunt force trauma from the force I was hit with that overarching theme with.

Alyx's knife turns Jaune young again (but with white anime protagonist hair streaks) because We Quite Literally Don't Care To Explain This So Fuck You.

The blacksmith dumps RWBYJ out in some desert with the very strong implication that there was also time travel involved, pretty much casting off any remaining expectations that they might try to address the shitstorm that happened at the end of Volume 8. Why do that when you can just write it out of the story?

[letstalkaboutfandomsbaby]

I remember that post you made about Sukuna who used to have threesomes but nothing else turns him on anymore but you, and he's so frustrated that he can't have a threesome with two of you ajsjjakjsa

Can we break reality for a moment and get ourselves duplicated 🥺 mans is suffering

Ofc we can break reality. Fuck reality, all my homies hate reality sksks

Anyways something something 2 girls 1 mma fighter sksksk

CW: chubby fem reader, two readers, oral (male and female receiving), threesomes with a copy of yourself? Not sure how to tag that sksksk

Bibbity bobbity boo there's two of you sksksk

Dont ask me how or why, we're here to be self indulgent skskskks

Anyways, Sukuna is 👀 the minute he sees you and your clone like 👀 hey babe 👀 what's up 👀 what's goin on 👀

He's not subtle about his intentions at ALL, he's got one hand on each ass and he's already guiding you to the bedroom while you're just trynna figure out wtf is going on

He eventually shushes the both of you and pulls you close

"Ladies, ladies, relax. Who cares how this happened? Why dont we just live in the here and now and enjoy ourselves, huh?"

He's literally so ANNOYING!! He's so lucky he's handsome or else it's 🧎‍♂️🦵 OUT THE DOOR WITH YOU SKSKSKS

Anyways, you're young and life is short so why tf not? 🤷‍♀️

Mans does not hesitate, he's diving in and alternating between who he kisses while yall start to undress

He's groping yall without a care in the world, he's already rock hard just looking at the two of you, he is ready to GO

But he can't just dive in, he's gotta go slow and set the ✨️mood✨️

Sheepishly asks if the two of you will go down on him at the same time and lowkey almost cums right then when you agree sksksk

No but having the both of you on your knees kissing and sucking his cock and balls is making this man see God 😩

He has to stop yall after only a couple minutes bc if he doesn't he's gonna cum and he doesn't wanna waste this chance

If you wanna be cheeky then by all means keep going, push him down on the bed and keep sucking his cock and rub your tits on him and make him squirm and struggle to not cum sksksk

No but all you have to do is give him sweet gentle kisses on his cockhead and gently suck on his balls and both give him doe eyes and he's cumming within seconds

He's genuinely so mad that he came so quick like what the FUCK!! He's not a one minute man, yall KNOW this, why's he gotta cum so quick right NOW?? 😤

You're both so sweet and understanding though that he doesn't care about it too long, he's already back to making out with yall and squeezing every inch he can get his hands on

Fingers yall at the same time, forcing multiple orgasms out of the both of you before he's satisfied

It isn't long until he's hard again and begs for the main event

And ofc, bc you're the best girlfriend EVER, you finally help bring his fantasy to life 💕

No babe you don't understand: when i tell you this man is ecstatic when you situate yourself above his face and cock, i mean that he is literally shaking from excitement

Oh god, and when yall simultaneously sink down on him he just wants to die like nothing will ever feel as good as this so what's the point in living

He is literally at a loss for words, usually he dirty talks up a storm but the only thing he can do rn is moan into your pretty cunt

He's bucking his hips up into you and guiding your hips to press firmly against his tongue

He mumbles "ride me baby" but yall dont know who he's talking to. Turns out he meant both of you sksksk like bounce on his cock and grind that fat wet pussy in his face till yall cum

He cums pretty quickly again, which he gets mad about again, but he insists that yall keep going until you're satisfied

Leads to the best sex Ryomen has ever had holy fuck

Your pussy feels heavenly on both his cock and mouth and he turns pussy drunk within 10 minutes of starting

Accidentally overstims all three of you bc he holds yall down even after you cum and keeps fucking you

You're grabbing at his hair and trying to push his hands off but he's too strong and keeps you flush against him until you're on the verge of tears

Wants to keep going but has to tap out after his third orgasm

He tucks the two of you into his sides and cuddles up all nice and snug. Lowkey loves having your squishy pudgy body cradled against both sides, it's like twice the pillows and he's obsessed with it skskks

If the two of yall are still around after a short nap, he begs to go again

Yall switch positions but now he's got one of you on your back while the other has your ass in the air above the first, but the person who was riding his cock is now getting their pussy ate and vice versa

He's a bit more ruthless in this position, hips slapping quickly against your soaked thighs and his fingers pounding into you while his mouth works on your clit

He's so rough but it's only bc he can't get over how good he feels or how lucky he is to be in this situation

Cums two more times before he clocks out again sksksk but don't worry babes, yall both came at least three times as a result of this round

His cock is so sore and sensitive and he's so mad that he's too exhausted to keep going, but yall coo and tell him that he wore yall out and his ego inflates a big to make up for it sksksk

Then he hears a beeping out of nowhere 🤨

He opens his eyes and god damn it, it was all just a dream 😤

Ryo smacks his alarm clock and groans in frustration, appreciating the dream he had but also feeling pissed that it wasn't real

He turns to see you sleeping soundly, your cute chubby cheek smushed against your pillow

It's then that he realizes he's rock hard and horny af

Well... he may not be able to fulfill his fantasy of fucking two of you, but at least he can reenact some of the things he did to you in his dream 🥴💦💕

[oh-no-its-bird]

OHHHH YOURE SO SMART??

Holy shit why didn't I think of that

Also like. Uchiha Jon being an Uchiha, permitting someone to remove and brand his eyes. SO fucked up. SO many cultural implications. No matter how that goes he is feeling things about it

I meed a scene of Elias very creepily going, "You know, some say the eyes are the window to your soul. It's not that I disagree, of course. It's just that I, personally, think they're so much more than just a window."

Which is to say -> What if the seal also compacts your soul into your eyes when you die, which is the technique Elias is using to keep himself alive (still body hopping via eye transplant) But also means he can keep his toy soldiers... well, not alive. He's not going to revive them, not when most died because he tossed them away on purpose.

But to preserve them, and of course their memories. All that juicy information, perfect for feeding to his patron (whether it actually rewards him for it or not)

Elias and his collection of ARCHIVE branded eyes,, he feeds the cast offs to the beholding and keeps the ones he think might be useful later, like Gertrudes

I think the brand only starts to record/collect your soul and memories from the moment it was put onto you, which also means if you die and your eyes are transplanted into a new body, you can only actually remember / are the person you were starting from when the moment the brand was sealed into your eyes. A half life, starting from when you pledged yourself to Elias <3

If they're put back into your old body then ur fine tho, but like. That's assuming your old body is still functional. If you die of smthn and the eyes are left there, with a still open wound, you're just stuck in a never ending cycle of half-consious death till your eyes rot enough to break the seal. But if your body is healed up and functional, you'll be ok

Tough fucking luck if you die of disease or old age

This also gives Elias a cool fucked up backstory of how he quite literally killed the young man he once was, only able to remember his life from the moment that he was so consumed by his own ambition that he gouged his own eyes out to have branded.

Mmm are the eyes even really the same person or are they just a perfect copy. If a perfect clone of you exists with all of your memories up to the second, who's to say who the real one is? Yay existential crisis!

You're actually so fucking smart ab the Orochimaru and Sasuke reflection in Elias-l and Jon I can not BELIEVE I didn't see that

Also got me thinking ab Sasuke which got me thinking ab the Uchiha Massacre which got me thinking—

Ok so. I can see this going 2 ways:

Route 1 ->

Elias smells Danzo cooking something up for the Uchiha. He doesn't know what but he doesn't really care, but he does start dropping casual "haha Danzo have I introduced you to my special little boy yet? Jon? I'd be sooo mad if anything happened to him yk? Just soooo mad, oh man I might even try to (gasp) cause problems? Not for you of course but just in general, yk, if someone fucked him up before I was done playing w him 💅"

And Danzo goes "holy shit fuck OFF Elias."

",,,, but also Itachi,, don't kill that one."

And Itachi, 12 years old and phsycing himself up to murder his parents and also literal babies in their cribs in an hour, is like "are you fucking serious right now"

So anyways Itachi spares Jon for "unknown reasons" that WILL haunt the narrative and also Sasuke and also very much Jon. Maybe he gives him a non fatal blow that's supposed to make it look like he survived via coincidence but like. Jon Knows(tm) it was on purpose

Very torn up ab it, Jon is absoloutley smelling conspiracy and following that trail HARD

Danzo is telling Elias to come get his fucking dog and Elias his huffing and rolling his eyes like "mmmmm if I havvveee too,,"

Route 2 ->

Elias does no meddling (or maybe he does but is ignored)

Its actually Tobi that kills Jon with a clean slice to the throat, but bc of the ARCHIVE seal in his eyes keeping his soul in place, he's stuck in that never ending loop of death

(Distant narrative implications of Jon actually experiencing the fear of the End here)

He's lucky enough that his pulse is checked when he's more alive than dead, and he's rushed to the hospital where he reportedly dies several times on the operating table (wow what a miracle he survived that! Truly extraordinary!)

Then when his body is healed up enough, he's stabilized enough to properly come back. Yay ARCHIVE seal! I'm sure that wasn't traumatic at all.

So uhh, bad news Danzo! There's another survivor of the Uchiha massacre, one who's backed by a major political figure in town, who's very well known as being a truth seeker and guy who always knows what's up, and he's very loudly telling everyone who will listen that it wasn't Itachi who killed everyone!! (He didn't actually see Itachi at all, died too soon/wasn't in the right area of the compound)

Rare Elias w, he's not gonna let Danzo dissapear his boy and also he thinks this is way too funny + karma + beneficial for him if Jon keeps talking so he won't tell him to shut up either!

Oops, sorry Danzo. Maybe u should have spared his special little guy after all </3

Meanwhile Sasuke is latching on to Jon so hard it hurts and also hearing that it wasn't Itachi and wanting to believe it SO badly. Idk if he'd really truly believe his brother was innocent or not but GOD he'd want to

I think Jon got a question in before Obito slashed him, so maybe he got some sort of "why are you doing this?" / "who are you?" Comoelled out of Obito (tho bc of the situation he only actually heard half of whatever Obito replied)

So like not only does he have another suspect to hand over to Konoha he has possible motive too!! Or smthn idk

I think I like option 2 the best, I feel like dying but refusing to actually die works well with Jon and also the tie in to the ARCHIVE seal is really fun. I imagine that at that point in the story, he doesn't actually know what the seal does in terms of forcibly keeping him alive. So for readers it'd be a [shrug] "Yeah that's Jon alright, dying on the oppoerating table 12 times wasn't enough tbh" moment

But one that later in the fic with the full extent of the eye seals revealed, would be totally recontextualized

Anyways uhhh. Incredibly dysfunctional family of Daisy and Jon trying to raise Sasuke, thank u for ur time.

TMA naruto au time buckle up,

Jon should get to be a half Uchiha bastard who has an infamously hard time controlling his sharingan.

His mangekyo (which he gets very very young when he accidentally leads a bully to their death at the hands of a nukenin with a love of spiders) basically acts as his beholding abilities and can allow him to compel people to sit still and answer anything he asks of them, which gets really messy when you consider a) shinobi society is built on secrets, and b) he has a really hard time turning it off

His visions absoloutley fucked but whatever bloodline his father was from seems to have caused the deterioration of his eyes to stop where it is— and is also the cause of why he has extra difficulty w it's flip switch

Anyways, Inuzuka Daisy or Hatake Daisy, I can't decide. Either way shes wolf coded as fuck and also in a similar boat of being absoloutley shit at controlling her bloodline. She and Jon are so problem child coded, and I think part of the reason she hates him as kids is bc she sees a lot of herself in him but like, at her worst. All of her issues but he just lays down and takes it when she fights tooth and nail against anyone who so much looks at her wrong. They are opposite ends of the spectrum and she's hyper aware of it

I think that when they're older they should get to go on a mission together and basically the whole coffin thing happens but with like an enemy nin w an earth chakra type.

Mmm alternatively tho, sprinkle in hints of the dreaded fears and play w the beasts and yokai of naruto canon, pull some spooky shit.

They get in over their heads, coffin happens, Jon goes back for her then we end with them both just kind of looking at eachother like "there are things in this world we can not comprehend."

Mmm, naruto version of the fears,,, that could be fun. Incorporate the bijuu maybe, idk

Anyways, Daisy hates Jon, coffin time happens and Jon escapes but then goes back for her (if she's a Hatake, this could also play interestingly w parallels to Kakashi) and they come out of the whole thing having Seen Thing(tm) and are irriversably changed and also now very much edging into co-dependant besties territory

Can u tell I'm a big fan of the Daisy and Jon besties agenda bc I so am

Moving on to the others ->

I want to say civilian Martin? I don't have much for him tbh, it'd be cool if he was like distantly related to Haku tho. Give him the cool ice mirror bloodline limit or whatever bc smthn smthn the lonely.

Mmm ok acrually hear me out: civilian Martin who's trying very hard to avoid shinobi things. He's actually a defected Kiri nin who forged a new identity for himself and fled to Konoha to start a new life after the bloodline hunts back in Kiri killed his whole family (except for Haku, but he doesn't know he's still alive) He's trying very hard to fly under the radar, but I doubt he'll succeed for long

I want him to look like all those fun lonely avatar fan arts of him w the sharp teeth, white streaked hair, dulled looking skin and kinda fishy vibes overall actually, but like he uses a seal to keep a permanant henge on him to look normal bc hes very visibly Kiri otherwise

Tim is giving me Yamanaka vibes for some reason. I like that also bc then we could possibly get him and Jon working together in T&I, which like yay parallel to how they used to work together before the archives

Sasha is giving me civilian born shinobi vibes, I think she should get to work in the hokage tower. Paper pusher with big dreams of moving up the latter and really being someone one day. She has her eyes dead set on a position in the Hokage's office

Basira is ,,, somewhere. You really can't have Daisy without her that's just illegal but I'm not too sure where to put her. Civilian born Basira kinda suits her but I'm ngl I'm kinda eyeing Nara Basira. Wait no fuck ok, Nara Basira and she was on a 3 man unit with Tim at one point, now they just need a Akimichi to complete the narashikacho trifecta there

She totally works in T&I now, or maybe with the Uchiha police force? It's like 90% Uchiha but I'm pretty sure some other clans are spotted here in there among them, and if they're not, I mean, I don't actually give a shit so .

I don't know if this is one of those aus where canon is still there but we're just adding tma characters into the mix or if it's just vague naruto setting but tma characters are our focus / replacing the main cast. But I think it's the first. If it was the second tho I'd say Elias as Danzo in a heartbeat

But since it's the first, Nara Elias who got a mysterious eye transplant years ago that seemed to have changed his personality entirley (were totally keeping the body hopping shit, rip the real Nara Elias who's been dead for years)

He's a slimy politician who works closely with Danzo

Ok so main narrative:

I'm thinking the coffin thing happens with Daisy and Jon, and now they're kind of eyes open to the existence of whatever version of the fears exist in this world. Jon is Jon and can't let sleeping dogs lie, and Daisy is Daisy and does her twitchy "there's something dangerous out there I can't control/don't know about" thing so she's really not stopping him, but she is helping him be more smart about it. Sometimes. They're both kind of lose canons tbh holy shit this is gonna be a disaster

So Jon gets kind of obsessed w whatever the FUCK that was, and Elias smells blood in the water and approaches

Idk what's going on with Elias but he's still body hopping bitch boy Jonah here. He's very involved in the fears, and he's had his eyes on Jon for a while. You see, the way that avatars manifest in Naruto world is that sometimes they'll often show their influence through bloodlines— Nara the dark, Yamanaka the beholding, Inuzuka the hunt, it's all there if you look for it.

Those in 'the know' believe that all bloodline limits came from the fears— sometimes their influence shows more than others. And very very rarley, that influence becomes a a bit more... potent, than in others.

Elias believes that Jon is one such instance of this, his strange mangekyo being so painfully and terrifyingly beholding coded, far more than his clansmen who's own mangekyo tend to branch off lightly into territories of different fears.

Jon (and Daisy, but Elias has a clear favorite here) running into such a strong instance of the buried, which is rare on its own, has only made Elias even more interested, taking it as some sort of sign that there really is something especially odd about Jon's unusually strong link to the fears.

Anyways, Elias sponsoring Jon's investigation into the fears, their links to the bijuu, how they interact with chakra and if they might truly be the source of modern bloodline limits.

Konoha secret supernatural task force (not to be confused with ROOT or ANBU) meant to monitor the fears influence in Konoha,,,

(God, of course Elias couldn't help but make his own fucking secret service in opposition to ROOT. He couldn't let Danzo upstage him)

Just like how ANBU has their shoulder seal and ROOT the tongue seal, I'm thinking their seal is a stylized eye on the back of their neck, which ofc Elias is always watching through, rip

Oh fuck, actually give me seal master Elias and his special spy seals he can watch and listen through. It's not a power thing it's just a specialization thing— he has his own eye tattoo that allows him to directly see through all his seals at any time.

Anyways we're calling this organization ARCHIVE bc I am a simple gal. Don't ask what it's supposed to stand for in verse, idk

Idk who else should be in it, or if it should be like ground up and Daisy and Jon are the first. Wait what the fuck am I saying, Gertrude and Gerry obviously. Michael Shelly too, can't forget him

Toss in Mike Crew and Jude Perry also just bc I like them. Maybe Nikola and an Aburame Jane Prentiss? But also idk if I'd want to put them in the position where they're technically working under Elias, I feel like that just doesn't fit. Better to leave them out in the wold to run into instead for conflict. Except Mike Crew, who is my favorite little guy and who should get to be here on loan from Elias' friend and Daimyo's court shinobi, Simon Fairchild

Honestly be funny if Kakashi was in it at one point just bc then he'd have been in all 3 konoha secret services and honestly? Hilarious. Someone give that guy a fucking break oh my god

Obviously Tim, Sasha, Martin and Basira all eventually join in, tho idk how. Maybe Jon is actually asked who would be a good choice for it? Jon says Tim and Daisy says Basira, then they both kinda eye Sasha who's been very fucking vocal ab needing just a chance to get her claws into the hooks of the Konoha power ladder and reccomend her too

Martin is the tricky one, I'm thinking Elias somehow finds out ab his Kiri background and has always wanted to poke more at the lonley's very visible connection to many kiri bloodlines— but Martin's in particular. So he kinda blackmails him into it, but framed in a more friendly "I'll make sure you don't have to hide anymore, I can secure your place in Konoha even with your ancestry :)"

Also maybe he was impressed by Martin's disguise seals, that'd be neat. Seal master Martin but he's Martin so he's like "Ah, I'm really not that good at it :("

(Jon is infuriated by his seemingly natural talent then even more infuriated when it becomes clear he's actual shit at most other shinobi things)

Ok so peddle it back to Mr Jonah eye fuckery Magnus here -> he was once like Jon. A man born into a clan w a link to the beholding, with a light eye themed bloodline limit. But he was born with a stronger tie to their patron than the others, strong enough to recognize they had a patron at all. And by feeding into it (don't ask me how I have no clue) he was able to strengthen that tie, gaining more power, and the ability to body hop through eyes

And he looks at Jon and wonders if he can replicate that in him. Groom him into something closer to their god, then feed him to the beholding to further his own power, which seems to have stagnated in growth.

I think also there's just a good amount of spite for ROOT and hunger for political power that he might get from ARCHIVE, and Jon is a clear fit for it, so like. Add him to the pile !!

I have a couple more vague thoughts for this -> the archive tunnels correlating to ROOT tunnels, the real Elias being childhood friends w Danzo and Hiruzen before Magnus took his body, Madara off in his cave somewhere being influenced by a Zetsu who serves the fears instead of Kaguya, etc.

But I'll leave it here for now, thank u for ur time