#why dod I do this to myself?

[bibannana]

Sometimes I think huh yeah I could be a author..... and then I remember I'm dumb as hell.

[spooky-kakashi]

i need someone to actually knock some sense into me😭😭😭 i have to hand in that report in 18 hrs and i havent even started and i still havent slept

[hunlutarudce]

Ah, I'm a little late on posting these here

[connormoving]

i unlocked a new voice earlier btw but i cant do it that much bc it requires me to be nervously laughing and breathing very heavily and it had me gasping for breath for like 30 minutes

[autumngracy]

Okay, so we all know how Trump has been cutting "DEI" funding, jobs, legislature, etc., to the point of scrubbing mentions of "related" words from government websites (in a hilariously incompetent manner, I might add).

Well. I go into work yesterday, and find something very interesting.

Now, I have a federal job; I'm currently a civilian DoD (Department of Defense) employee. And this entails having limited administrator privileges for a government run website.

Yesterday, while making a document, I go to copy a hyperlink from said website—specifically, the link to our page about the Exceptional Family Member Program (or EFMP), which is a subset of Army Community Service (or ACS).

And lo and behold, what do I find?

On the page that's supposed to show the list of Army Community Service programs, all the pages are still listed there, BUT! I hover my mouse over the EFMP link, and discover it is no longer a link! It is now simply a line of text.

"Hm," I think to myself. All the other pages are still hyperlinked. So I go to the website's search function. I type in the program's name.

The search results are alarming. The only semi-relevant results consist of the main local installation's Army Community Service page, and another page that is the national, generic page for EFMP (which simply describes the program in generic terms, without providing local resources).

But not our local installation's program page.

Our local installation's EFMP page is gone. Like, deleted from the site entirely. Though the program location page still exists—which merely lists its contact information—when you click the link at the bottom of said location page, which is supposed to take you to the local installation's EFMP page, it instead redirects you to the local ACS page.

Why is this so alarming?

Well. The Exceptional Family Member Program helps military families with disabled children get the screening, medical care, resources, and accommodations they need. It also provides these families with (usually free) recreational activities and educational opportunities tailored to individuals with disabilities or their caregivers.

Simply put, the program improves the day-to-day mental, emotional, and physical welfare of disabled children and their families who live in or around US military bases.

And it would appear the program has been gutted. Not only gutted, but quietly removed as though it never existed. Sure, there remains a generic reference page explaining what the program is, but it's functionally irrelevant and useless without any local resources.

(And to be clear, I don't believe they've left ANY local resource pages. For anyone. If they deleted our page with zero warning, and without ever telling us even after the fact, then I would bet they've deleted every other installation's local program page, too. And it's probably safe to assume they'll soon delete even the generic page.)

There are only three people on this installation with admin access to this website, and that's me, my manager, and my coworker. And the coworker has been out on extended sick leave. So that means that it was the federal government itself that deleted the EFMP program page. Not the actual installation's employees.

And it's not just EFMP. I've heard rumblings about more expansive cuts to the other family and child welfare related programs. Employees are talking in hushed voices and behind closed doors. People are scared. They don't know what will happen next, or even exactly what's happening now.

What's more, it appears the government has also cut funding for Month of the Military Child, a huge month-long event at every military base that celebrates children of military families—providing free fairs, contests, activities, giveaways, and more that involve pretty much every organizational division on the base, as well as outside sponsors.

And of course, federal employees have also been banned from recognizing or discussing anything about "Identity Months" like Black History Month, Women's History Month, Pride Month, Asian American, Native Hawaiian, and Pacific Islander Heritage Month, Hispanic Heritage Month, and more.

At West Point, they've also gotten rid of all the "DEI related" cadet clubs, including the following:

Asian-Pacific Forum Club

Contemporary Cultural Affairs Seminar Club

Corbin Forum

Japanese Forum Club

Korean-American Relations Seminar

Latin Cultural Club

National Society of Black Engineers Club

Native American Heritage Forum

Society for Hispanic Professional Engineers

Society of Women Engineers Club

Spectrum

Vietnamese-American Cadet Association

These clubs were ordered to "permanently cease all activities or club External Official Presences" and "unpublish, deactivate, archive, or otherwise remove all public facing content."

Additionally, all other clubs not listed above were ordered to "cease all activities until such a time as the club's status has been reviewed and re-validated in accordance with [Trump's Executive Orders, Department of Defense guidance, and Department of the Army guidance]."

And the creme de la creme? The fetid cherry on top of this wretched cake? Trump's spending cuts have apparently even taken away the funding for installation Fourth of July fireworks displays. Y'know—the same Trump who's so obsessed with idea of "Making America Great Again" and "America First".

It seems the Trump administration doesn't want you to be proud of being anything, anymore—even, ironically, of being an American.

Although, given the current circumstances, that wasn't very hard anyway.

[doctorofmagic]

Doomstrange headcanons! Go!

Gods, how can I ever refrain myself and not write a whole book? /hj

Usually I'd go with "which era" but since there's no specification, I'll just... write for each one of them *evil laughter*

T&T era:

- Since it's canon Stephen spent 45 days in Latveria, let's just say that at first Victor intended to keep things as professional as possible, but soon he realized Stephen has excellent taste in things: books, movies, plays. It's the common ground they were able to find since they don't seem to agree with their respective politics and philosophies. Stephen also tasted legit the best wines in the whole world and adored the local cuisine inspired by Victor's mom's romani heritage. They certainly had dates, although none of them are aware those were in fact dates.

- Stephen is friends with Boris and still sends him cards and letters.

- I know Stephen is a genius but he couldn't learn a whole new language in just a few weeks. I like to think that he kept learning Latverian after T&T (also canon that he's fluent).

- Stephen would also befriend Kristoff if he were part of the story. I do believe T&T is set after Kristoff's adoption. Chronology a bit iffy due to the whole mantle and trial, but let's keep it that way.

- Canonically, they both can play the piano. And they did play together a few nights. (*jumps off a cliff*)

- Victor is jealous of Silver Surfer, Adam Warlock and Clea during the Infinity Gauntlet arc because he never knew Stephen was so loved by the hero community.

- Stephen vouched for Victor every time a hero brought up his evil side.

- Victor never sought the mantle of Sorcerer Supreme before Blood Hunt because he trusted Stephen at being the best magic user capable of carrying the burden. He never agreed to Stephen's methods, but at least he respects the man. (I like to think that he hesitated when the opportunity happened because he didn't want to break Stephen's trust, although his need for power and approval spoke louder in his heart)

Secret Wars era (in which I'll go insane):

- Victor allowed Stephen to decide whether or not to take the power of the Beyonders first because he trusted Stephen more than he could admit. Or maybe he knew Stephen deeply enough to know he would decline. In any case, for a single moment, Victor put his hunger for power aside and trusted Stephen's judgment.

- This is why Stephen became his sheriff, though. They built Battleworld together and treasured their creation. And no one was bold enough to go against Victor's temper but Stephen.

- Stephen knew Victor's marriage with Sue was a lavender one so he wasn't bothered by it. Moreover, there were RUMORS by the Thors here and there, to which Stephen remained silent. It's not like they'd say that to GOD EMPEROR DOOM's face, after all.

- I think it's here that they started calling each other by the first name. Which gave a sense of humanity to Victor since he was considered a god by the whole world, except for his friend. And, although it was important for Victor to be seen as a human by a single person, it also made him torn because he was expected to be perfect. By the people, of course, but mostly by himself.

- Victor has never forgiven himself for what he did to Stephen. He will never admit it but he became kinder to him because of it, and also he's afraid Stephen will learn about it one day (delicious angst potential nom nom nom).

Infamous Iron Man era:

- Like, I know it's canon that they have each other's numbers but they made calls often during IIM because well, magic shenanigans and Victor was really committed to proving himself to the world. So what's better than having the Sorcerer Supreme at your side to vouch for you? (gay ppl real)

- They grew closer during this time.

- Stephen tried to visit Victor after he was scarred by The Hood, but was turned down every single time (*cries*).

Post-DODS:

- Stephen can definitely sees Victor's face behind his mask. In addition, I absolutely adore this headcanon that Stephen's hand scars match Victor's, especially when he cups his face (*dies*).

- Savage Avengers wanting me to believe Stephen had a fling with Elektra when in fact it was Victor all along. They both showing vulnerability to each other was PEAK, especially when it comes to Victor, a man who literally won't scream of pain while dying the worst death possible out of pride. (*banging my head on the wall*)

- If not that night after their first fight against Kulan Gath, then definitely after the post-victory banquet.

- Their divorce era started when Victor didn't show up to Stephen's funeral/helped him with the murder case. I like to think that he didn't have the guts to attend the funeral because it would remind him of Secret Wars. Although the mantle was his by right, he was also jealous of Clea.

AND MY MOST CURRENT HEADCANON

I have no idea what Ryan North will do BUT it's a fact that Victor is holding a piece of Stephen's soul. And if this fact alone doesn't entail a whole crisis of conscience or doesn't affect Victor in any meaningful way... I will have to fix that with fanfic. I'm just waiting to read the whole event and adapt canon like I usually do with my fics, but I NEED THAT ADDRESSED!! *slams table*

--

Ok, ok, definitely left some hcs out because I forgor/memory issues. But I hope you liked those the same way I adored that you dropped this ask for me. So a hundred million "thank you" from the bottom of my heart and soul 🥹💜

PS: I didn't want to write couple headcanons BUT if you want them, don't hesitate to send another ask 👀

I'm so normal about them....

[carlarosenakilah]

I'm taking a break from The Osix Family and Wilted Ivory

Hi, you've read that right. I'll proceed to go into detail undercut

Warning that the following will be containing very sensitive topics such as su***idal thoughts, mental health issues, and whatever the fuck I went through to get me here and I don't know how to describe nor name them but overall its not pretty.

Getting straight to the point- im drained. I'm in a horrible place right now and I need to take a step back before it might escalate into something worse.

The Osix Family is always something that I will forever dedicate to. It has comforted me, carried me, and saved me from killing myself three years ago.

I asked myself, "If I'm not here, who will tell the story of The Osix Family?"

That made me stay alive, and im greatful for that because if not, I wouldn't have been where I am today standing with the coolest people I have ever met and my amazing partner in crime @alexusespido-dod.

I love Wilted Ivory too, and that's where it gets tricky.

My only plan for Wilted Ivory is to simply tell a story about growth expressed as a musical au. Hence why the art is so simple– not just to match the original Casino Cups style, but just to tell a story that I hope would inspire and comfort others. Of course, I'm happy it gained lota of love.

The Osix Family though is a different story.

Like I said, it means a lot to me, so I put so much time and energy into this series. I sacrifice time that could've been used to study for the next exam, but instead im working on the next few panels or planning the music and etc. Blood sweat and tears (literally) into making sure the art looks good, story is properly conveyed, scenes carefully picked. Even if it gained me bad scores in my exams that made me stress over about, in the end it was worth it to me. I didn't care if I'd be sick an unable to move, as long as I could at least think about it, then I would be happy.

Episode 3 was my worst.

I overworked myself for that episode. I was always in front of my tablet, I never moved out of my seat, I was just there, working on it even if it was 1 in the morning and that I should be sleeping. I told myself: "Everything will pay off! Sure you're in so much pain right now, but eventually it will all pay off! Episode 3 is looking good and interesting! This will FINALLY gain the audience and love the story deserves!"

I was proud.

Until I wasn't.

Reality hit me like a saw. The moment the episode was released I was hopeful. But nothing happened. It was all the same.

And it just hurt how something as simple as Wilted Ivory can easily gain attention and love because it was Cuphead related something well known. Meanwhile, The Osix Family–despite everything–is just barely seen.

I started to doubt myself. To question myself. Was I not doing enough. What more can I do. What should I do. Am I not good enough?

Is the story just not good enough?

That broke me. I began to have thoughts I shouldn't have. I wanted to end it all. I wanted to quit and disappear from the world. Because what was the point in pouring so much love into something only for it to dismissed.

Its not like I simply began having these thoughts.

I've had them over and over again.

As much as I hated involving him, my partner, Alex, had to deal with the many times I nearly ended it. To the point where even if he was in school, he'd go out of his way to stop me, I still feel guilty, even if he said it was fine.

I don't understand myself anymore.

Why do I even have such an attachment to this series? Its just a stupid silly series for funsies isn't it? Why does my life to depend on it?

Unfortunately, it just does.

It sucks. Pushing away my needs for the sake of this passion, only for it to just not go as I hoped it would go. Did I mention I'm also losing followers on the osix family blog? Thats so silly and coquette.

I'm so sorry if im coming off as guilt-trippy, please I don't want it to sound that way, I just want to express how deeply troubled I am because to me it actually DOES HURT.

I envy people who couldn't give a flying fuck about whether or not their stuff goes famous or gets love, I don't even understand why I am so dependent or hungry on whatever attention it gets. I hate that im like this. I want to be free from it but I just crave it.

So, for the sake of my mental health and whatever is left of my sanity, im taking a break, for good.

I will not be updating The Osix Family or Wilted Ivory at this very moment. For how long? It depends on how fucked up I have actually turned out to be today.

I might still post, keyword: MIGHT, its not any update but to just simply draw for myself, but the chances of me posting anything is horribly low.

I'm going to focus on myself, my needs, and whatever makes me happy or have fun with.

To those who supported The Osix Family or even bothered to check it out: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

It means a lot to me, you have NO idea. Every single like, reblog, comment, hype or even the silliest amounts of theories or thoughts, they make me so happy, it actually heals me.

I can't remember names im sorry, but there was a time someone expressed how they were invested in the lore and loved the world building, it really made my day. Or when someone pointed out some small details on my waiting in a miracle animatic, it warmed my heart.

I have troubles expressing it, but im so, SO greatful.

Especially when some of my mutuals started making OCS FOR THE SERIES?? Like– it felt like a HUGE compliment.

I cant believe im tearing up as im typing this haha im so stupid lmao, but

Thank you. A lot.

And to those who weren't really into The Osix Family, its okay, don't feel bad, sometimes things are just not our cup of tea, I just needed to express my grief, cause honestly bottling it up isn't going to end well for me (and it really didn't multiple times).

I apologize for any false hope or let down your hype as Wilted Ivory was just starting and The Osix Family was finally coming back– but this treatment is overwhelming me that I need to take a step back.

That's all for now.

Thank you for... actually reading, you listening means a lot to me too.

Goodbye.

[wings-of-fire-confessions]

I used to looooathe Glory. I thought her bad mood and constant sass was really annoying; however, I came to realize how a lot of her behavior stems from her abuse. Since then, she has become waaaay more of an interesting character to me.

Kestrel and the other guardians (but mostly Kestrel) always berating her and making her feel useless is probably why she started off as so snappy and pessimistic. She didn't see much of a point in trying to be better because nothing she ever did was good enough to them.

She doesn't show her emotions because crying or getting angry would've made her vulnerable to further abuse from the guardians. Some people find it strange that Glory doesn't seem shaken after using her venom on someone, but with this in mind, I think her cold attitude makes sense. She buries her feelings deep down (she doesn't even like to let her emotions slip through her scale color).

I doooo have to admit that it's little irritating to me that ever since the first arc, pretty much every dragon that isn't a villain automatically adores her? I guess dragons like Snowfall are initially skeptical of her, but they come to admire her pretty quickly. Of course!! It's great that she's finally getting appreciation after a childhood of neglect, but it just feels a bit forced to me.

I also think she becomes a little bland after the first arc, but I think that's because we don't get things from her POV anymore and generally just isn't that involved. As I said before, Glory tends to keep her thoughts to herself. Plus, she's learning the ropes of being a queen, so she's probably trying to be more mature.

Contrary to what a good chunk of the fandom believes (and what I used to believe), Glory definitely isn't a "Mary Sue." Yes, she achieves a LOT, but she is still flawed. Honestly, I think that term is often used just to be sexist :/ But that's a whole different debate.

This is a pretty shallow analysis; Glory is a surprisingly complex character (so are the other DoD tbh). But I don't have the energy to do a deep dive right now 🥲 So yeah. You can still dislike Glory (even with all of that said, I myself still feel kind of neutral about her), but don't brush her off as OP or a Mary Sue or whatever.

.

[malviolet]

im back after ep 4 umibros.... and i come bearing my thoughts.

pls note.... i have a huge advantage as i know some major spoilers, but i still had fun trying to figure out who did what and why.

i did NOT know who killed who or how many killers there are, or how many accomplices there are or who they are, i went through the red truths and thought about it.

anyways. major spoilers and theory stuff undercut.

this is the list of stuff i already know. i wasnt planning on reading umi at the time, but i was curious and ended up looking some stuff up before i started.

crop for fun & readability.

anyways. onto my thoughts.

when reading through the tips i kinda got surprised reading the note under Rosa, it immediately made me think of Maria because of what happens in ep 4. that + her kihihihihihi laugh made me think that anyone with the kihihihihi in their tips page was probably killed by maria. i have no idea how, but because all the heads were smashed, im assuming a GUN?

Not going to pretend I know how the Shannon body thing works. Everyone else lured out by Maria or Shannon.

you may be asking, okay. how dod they get into eva & hideyoshi's room. well. i am currently working under the assumption of a hidden passageway. "BUT THE RED TRUTHS" STOP!!! Beato says there is no more than 1 hidden passage way..... but... IF THEYRE ALL CONNECTED.... perhaps that counts as one? :) I have convinced myself that there are secret passageways throughout the mansions for quick traversal. With this premise, they can simply leave Eva & hideyoshis room via the secret hatch..... and its just Maria and Shannon/Kanon, so theres nothing really threatening about them as they're children, it's wouldnt be SUPER weird for them to be invited in. or they simply came in and left from the same secret entrance.

i do not know why the servants are going along with this.

I believe either Maria or Beatrice shot Natsuhi. My brain says Beato, but the text makes me thing Maria?

I explained most of everything else in the post, but i have no idea whats up with battler.

-------

EDIT: after chatting with oomf about why I think think the way I do about what happened, i have stumbled upon MANY ADDITIONAL SUSPICIOUS things.

1) HIDEYOSHI IS EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS.

Iirc Hideyoshi & Nanjo are the only two people to really "see" Shannon at the beginning. I believe it is simply implied that she was the same as the others, but never actually seen by Battler.

Further more, this makes the Eva & Hideyoshi locked room much more sensible. It's possible Hideyoshi killed Eva, but I don't think he really would? I think it's more likely Hideyoshi helped kill & move the other 5 adults in the shed. And later on, Sayo kills Eva & Hideyoshi? I'm not 100% sure what happened there, but I now believe Hideyoshi is extremely suspicious and in on it. I also choose to bump Maria down to accomplice instead of active killer.

2) "Maria's" involvement

Due to the above, Maria's involvement now make more sense to me, as I didn't really think she could shoot someone. However, I will also say that the kihihihi's in the tips are probably Beato's delusion of Maria. In that this is what Beato's believes Maria would want / she is pretending they are doing this together in her imagination.

3) Something I'm missing

Currently, I believe I am missing SOMETHING, and I think that something is relates to accomplices. When thinking about the other episodes, I have now started to believe that someone is chosen at random for... some reason... and that they and their family temporarily become "in on it".

I was thinking about Hideyoshi & Eva with this & working with the assumption that, along with Hideyoshi, Eva was also in on it and maybe George? But only temporary. So basically:

-someone is chosen at random(?) to be an accomplice

-that person and their family temporarily become in on it

- that family can never survive and must always die in their given episode

I don't feel like typing it all out again, so here's what I said to oomf:

"I think, for whatever reason, each episode someone is randomly chosen to become an accomplice. Idk how or why. And the accomplice that's chosen, it's like... their family temporarily becomes in on it? But they almost certainly are killed by the end.

I'd have to think more about episode 2, I don't remember it well, but.

IF this is somewhat correct...

Hideyoshi is almost certainly in on it at this point. And to that extent, Eva & George may also temporarily be "in on it". I'm not too sure about this part. Anyways. Hideyoshi & Eva are killed with stakes and George is "missing" at the end.

I don't remember the details of episode 2 very well, but Maria & Rosa were a central focus and I THINK they both died in their end?

In episode 3, you kno I'm sus of Batter and his family for the Eva-Beatrice & Hideyoshi thing. They all died.

In ep 4, Jessica and Krauss are both sus, along with others. It's not as prevalent but it is there somewhat.... Jessica's family all died as well.

Curious....."

In conclusion, for episode 1:

Thanks for coming to my Umineko Ted talk.

[vassalor]

Anything for you. Pantalone x Reader

Warning: Mention of cheating, false accusation, theft, imprisoment, starvation,preg!reader, cheater! Kaeya,

Ie: for the people who love Kaeya. I also love him, one of my favorite playable char, but i want to try him this kind of situation.

It was a rainy night in Liyue. Everyone is either their home or one of the city inns. Just  a few, mostly homeless people who remained outside in the cold weather. One of them, a young woman silently cried and gently patted her stomach.

-I know love you hungry…so i…but don't worry…mother will get you food somehow…somehow…- her tears became in one with the raindrops what fell from the little rag what she managed to get from the back alleys. She collected a little water to drink in her free hand, but it just make her stomach grumble more.

-Im sorry baby…im sorry…- She sobbed and slowly stand up, stumbled over the road , but a moment later someone caught her and shortly after a heavy dark jacket landed on her back. She heard a  calm male voice. 

-Oh my…It's too cold out here darling. You’ll catch a cold if you…- She looked up to where the voice and the jacket came from. By the archons. It was a handsome man with luscious long black hair and glasses.

-I-im sorry sir. I did not want…- she tried to move away, but he gently grabbed her shoulder and with another hand he moved her face to front of his.

-My, you look really weak darlin’. You eat something today?- Maybe she just imagined but his voice was surprisingly concerned just as his eyes. After his question she started to cry even more. The young woman's trembling lips are not open for answer. He quickly pulled his hand from her face and lifted her in bridal style. 

You need to go to a doctor. Lets go.

Later, in the clinic.

“This cant be real. Why he helped me?” She thought as she slowly gulped the warm soup what the nurse gave her earlier.

The doctor and a man who brought her there  talked not far from her.

Thank you kind sir for bringing her in time. She was seriously malnourished and her fever almost get worse. It was deadly to both her and the baby.

…Understand. Thank you doctor. - The raven haired man looked at the woman. - May I ask for some minutes of privacy with her after you finish the necessary checks?

Of course. I just finished the papers.  Take your time. - And then he left the room. The other man grabbed a chair and sit next to bed.

I'm sorry for the vulgarity, i'm not even introduced myself to you. Name is Pantalone. May i ask yours? - She just put the empty bowl on the counter and bowed her head. She weakly told her name. Pantalone let out a worried sigh.

Beautiful name. So, you’re not from Liyue?

I'm from Mondstadt. I was from there.

And may i ask what happened to you in this condition?

…I did not know either. - She muttered and grabbed the  bedsheet. Pantalone raised a brow, but before he opened his mouth, she continued- Just one month ago I was in the middle of the preparation of my wedding with my fiance and the next moment i was accused for stealing relic from the temple.

You did that?

Of course not! - she cried out. - I would never do such a thing! And turn out…that said relic was not even stolen from.

Hooh? Then what happened? - She gripped the sheets with more force, he put his hand on hers to ease her a little bit.

My own fiance, who is one the knight of Favonius, came to arrest me. They put me in the jail without a trial.

Thats kinda suspicious.

At first i dod not understand either, but later i found out.

??

The two guards who  was on night patrol talked about how Kaeya already moved another woman in our house and tomorrow they will get me out of the town to ‘put another place’. They don't even cared about i heard them.

Now you safe darlin’.- Pantalone gently moved his hand toward hers.- They dont hurt you anymore.

But why? - she cried. - Why did he did this to me?! I was his fiance! With his child! He told me to get married earlier! 

He did not think about it seriously. He did not care about you and the baby at all. - He said the with a cold tone. She froze from his words. Then she let out a sigh and a weak smile toward Pantalone.

Thank you, for saying this…Maybe i …i just want to hear what i tought. - His face are softened after her sudden comment and start to caress her hands with this tumb.

Tomorrow i need to travel to Inazuma. Would you mind to accompany to me on this journey?

…Why did you care about me, Mr Pantalone? - She asked weakly.

Because i know the feeling when you been left all alone without any hope. I don't want you to feel that anymore.

…Thank you.

6 Years later, Mondstadt

Around noon, a big fancy carriage arrived to the town. Folks gathered around it, and when the door opened 3 young children jump out from it, all boys. After them a tall male with an expensive looking dress came out and reached his hand toward a woman, who also wore a beautiful dress but also covered her face with a silvery colored vail.

Boys, dont run so far. Wait for me and your mother.- He hold her hand and they start to go after the children. Everyone looked at confusion the faces, the knight, the restaurant owner and even Mondstadt  most wealthies man, Diluc came into their view. And he did not like what he saw at all. As they make a stroll over the stairs, one of the guard stop their way upstairs.

Im sorry sir, but this is way is restricted. Military personel only.

Oh, dont mind good sir - Pantalone smiled as the boys hid behind him and their mother. - I was just here to talk with lady Jean.

And may i know what interest?

It really nothing..- Now he slightly opened his eyes, showed a more menacing side of his - i wanted to talk about her how much this city cost? I want to buy it.

To be continue…

[yawpyawp]

autism non-diagnosis venting

honestly i’m really devastated to hear this test guy say it’s JUST adhd + depression and not also autism because i’m ALREADY BEING TREATED FOR ADHD/DEPRESSION AND THE TREATMENT ISNT WORKING? LIKE I GET WORSE WITH TIME :(

(also it's like,,,statistically unusual to NOT have ASD in my family)

he was like "conclusively i think you don't have autism bc all of ur autistic traits show up as sub-clinical when it comes to A. attention span, B. social skills, and C. neuroplasticity"

(despite the fact that i am A. diagnosed ADHD, B. a formerly high-masking AFAB person who is captivated by the mysteries of socialization/communication, C. a designer who actively practices flexible thinking every day)

and the clinician basically was like “i literally don’t have anything else to suggest to you but to keep trying the same things u have already been doing”

i’ve literally been doing these treatments since i was 19 (i'm 32!!!) and i have gotten WORSE. i've done HUNDREDS of hours of the kind of therapy the clinician suggested i do as a next step, like HUNDREDS of hours of CBT

and then he was like 'this looks like u just have adhd + trauma' ('the car crash when u were 5 is why u have sensory problems and u can't have close relationships') BUT I HAVE DONE HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF THERAPY TRYING TO ASSESS THIS AND THE THERAPY SUGGESTED I DON'T HAVE ACCUTE TRAUMA!!! i literally did MONTHS of group therapy IN A TRAUMA GROUP!!!! and the conclusion was that THAT is not my experience!!!!!

(to be fair i have also experienced HEAD TRAUMA cuz i had two concussions as a kid lol so i guess early childhood TBI is another route to explore lol because my other next step is TMS and i don't wanna do the brain magnets)

but basically i feel like i'm just going in circles

i literally don't know where to go from here???? like i just have to keep feeling like this???

i feel like i learned NOTHING in this process other than i’m not trying hard enough to function and i want to literally unalive myself lololo i'm literally fucking DONE i am bringing back the diagrams

ANYWAY i asked this guy follow up questions for 1.5 hrs (we were scheduled for 45 mins) and based on his reaction to my questions i feel like i was LAWYERING him by asking critical questions about how he arrived at his conclusions. like after i literally googled "am i a psychopath?" and took one of those online quizzes because i was like 'wow dod i go too hard on trying to get this expert to bend to MY pov?'

[cathulhu-collective]

Legitimately, even if they do not believe in programming or the continuation of abuse by the slew of alphabet agencies under the US government. It is legitimately well known that conditioning is rampant throughout basically every modern military out there? Like it is a key component of basic training to break the person and build them back up to suit the needs of the military, it shows an absolute willingness to condition people. They’re literally just siding with the military industrial complex, and I so don’t understand how they justify that in their mind.

I’m not really a military programming survivor, but like you said a lot of programming(even in non-military settings like cults) will use tactics and information laid out by the these organization. Personally speaking, one of my abusers survived military programming, and then just continued it on in the far right paramilitary cult I grew up in. People would be shocked to know how often situations like this occur.

Idk i’m sorry they’re treating you like shit. I can tell you know your shit on how you’re able to break stuff down and put it into understandable term. Game recognizes game. Just know that there are people out there that believe your experience, because similar things happen to them too.

Also, what exact pronouns do you use? I know in one of your posts you referred to yourself as a chick, but I find it best not to make assumptions on tiny things like that. 

I really appreciate this post. For my pronouns, both she/they are good with me 🙂

With respect to the military programming thing, exactly - basic trainings explicit purpose is to break and rebuild the person into a soldier. To this end, some of the best psychologists in the world have been employed by the DoD. Not just for interrogating, understanding, and tracking targets, but also for use on our own personnel. And intelligence services - they generally don't put their officers through it to the extent of the military.

Intelligence officers are trained and conditioned to be loyal, feel special and chosen, and put moral scruples to the side in some cases. However, the assets a case officer handles (they don't call them handlers, they call them 'case officers') are meant to be totally under their control, and the training of a case officer is based on how to accomplish exactly that. I was watching a podcast with a former case officer on it and he said that he was his assets "priest, confessor, therapist, friend".... and that he'd missed his calling as a psychiatrist, but he was very clear that his job was manipulation, programming, control of said asset, rather than helping them work through problems. He didn't seem to mind being honest about it - that's what all that training is about. It's all for the greater good. Ect.

I'm sorry to hear you were raised in a family that had a strong background in all that. I think that it is something that tends to become a tradition within families, it's like the military programming of the parent is passed off in a similar way upon their children. And, often, those children end up joining.

Don't get me wrong - I get why they do it. I actually do. I fight with myself a lot on that point. The fact that I don't hate the people who did/do this to me, and I should, and if I knew somebody else and it happened to them, I would be furious on their behalf. But, I find myself with a really strong sense of stolkholm syndrome (another thing I've seen the faker subreddits claim does not exist, just like they think DID does not exist). some alters are very attached to the programming, as crazy as that sounds. but they fight with the parts who can't stand the attachments, and it drives an intense self loathing and confusion between different parts.

I have always wanted to talk to people about the overlap between cults and gov sanctioned programming. I have read a lot of stuff but just based on my own experience, I know that a lot of the most important parts of these kinds of experiences are not really written anywhere.

[dead-generations]

Brett, like basically everyone else, gets SpaceX contracts with NASA and the DoD wrong, and if I hadn't just swaddled myself into bed I would describe exactly why in detail. so you get the sleepy short version. I'd like to say first that there's merit to what he says overall, but he's suffering from very common (typically willful) ignorance around SpaceX and aerospace contracting.

In short: NASA has saved billions via SpaceX contracts. Not only that, but SpaceX is the sole reason NASA can get astronauts to the ISS, which would have been problematic in February 2022 to say the least. These billions in cost savings are because there are things that needed doing (launch services) and SpaceX was able to do them well and cheaply. There were no public jobs lost. None.

In general in space capabilities, outside of pure science there is not and has never really been a public option. The so called public options have in fact been massive government subsidies to key industries and corporations, and jobs programs for specific congressional districts. The latter especially is true today.

This has been the case since the Saturn V. These have caused technical limitations, high costs, long development times, and extremely unsafe vehicles that have killed people. Arguing that SpaceX is stealing from the public here is absurd; they are stealing from Boeing and to a lesser extent ULA and Blue Origin.

But there's more to it than that: SpaceX has been part of a huge push by a new generation of NASA officials against entrenched aerospace contactors and their friends and lackeys. This is because Commercial Crew has been the guiding start of a new method by NASA called "fixed price" or "firm fixed price" contracting. Basically NASA contracts someone to provide a service, and they get paid EXACTLY X amount of dollars and only when they reach specific milestones.

Previously, the gold standard in NASA contracting was to engage in Cost Plus contracts. this is exactly what it sounds like: the contractors bid on a price, NASA agrees, but they make assurances to the contractors that they will be paid for all the costs of development and operations, no matter where they go, Plus an agreed upon award amount. The contractor determines those costs. If it sounds like this would allow a contractor to take extra years to develop and artificially inflate costs to get more money for payrole and the company, that's because that is exactly has happened consistently with NASA cost plus contracts.

That era of NASA contracts is dying precisely because it costs way more than firm fixed price, and fixed price contracts create incentives for timely delivery of operational services. It has been an unqualified success and saved billions, and Boeing, Lockheed and Northrup Grumman (yes, the bomb makers are also the Apollo contractors) have been quite unhappy about this change.

SpaceX has saved the DOD considerable millions in launch costs and has expanded their capabilities, particularly those of the NRO and USSF both through the lowered costs and increased cadence of launches, but also through certain starlink capabilities that are still being explored. (Whether or not starlink in particular is providing a necessary service in these cases or is getting some good ol boy money is beyond my present knowledge, and I wouldn't be surprised either way.)

Whether or not you agree with those capabilities it's frankly absurd to act like the NSSL contract is a SpaceX subsidy. They have a smaller share of the launches than ULA (who btw had previously been the sole provider - do liberals like Brett just pretend that old school private contractor milking was patriotic?) and the scheme is being expanded to ensure that as New Glenn, Nova and Neutron become operational, they can go through qualification for NSSL launches as well.

As a side note: I don't think anyone has a real grasp of how much money NASA moves to contractors. SLS + Orion+ mobile launch tower has probably cost more or less 10-15 times all the money SpaceX has received or is going to receive from existing NASA contracts. I'm not even sure that would factor in the legacy constellation contracts.

When commercial crew contracts went out, SpaceX was the outsider winner and Boeing was the legacy contractor. SpaceX got half the money Boeing did for commercial crew and they started work at the same time. SpaceX has since delivered more than half again as many extra launches of crew to the ISS over what they were initially contracted for. You might have heard about Boeing's Starliner in the news recently; it is yet to have a single successful operational flight.

[notallwonder]

not me going back to rewatch every essential JJ episode I can think of. 200, the stalker case, legacy, North Mammon, hit/run, the slender man one?

I'm obsessed with JJ this season (CME s17). Obsessed!!!!

The "it's not important" exchange with Emily is killing me. in a great way.

I'll put the rest of my nonsense under a read more.

"200" starts with Emily reading the james burke quote "why should we look to the past in order to prepare for the future? Because there is nowhere else to look" wonderful. Was a reason ever articulated for why JJ specifically was chosen for her DOD assignment? Did Strauss put her up for it? Maybe tptb reached out for profiler/behavioral expertise and Strauss recommended JJ bc of her "non-profiler" profiling background + ability to connect with victims/mothers. Maybe Strauss scored herself political points with this move. Anyway. (yes I'm forever annoyed CM made "mother" JJ's loudest character trait) (but it is an interesting part of her character!!)

[love "200" for the obvious reasons but also bc Faran Tahir!]

The whole reason I started here is to watch the flashback scene with JJ and Emily on the jet on their way to Paris. Emily clocks JJ's whole deal and calls her on it. And oh how the turntables, in s17. In which Emily does NOT clock JJ's deal...and/or, does not call her on it. I don't think there's a world where Emily truly doesn't notice JJ is dealing with something - if she's actually paying attention. Leaving aside any special connection between them, Emily's job, for years, has been partly to manage the well-being of her team. JJ already opened the door, and even though she waved Emily off and Emily is fully occupied with the investigation & her emotional state, etc etc, Emily's not going to just forget. Unless she is really that deep in her own shit, which...it seems that she is, these days! augh!

Wow I haven't seen this in a hot minute. JJ's doing some light profiling of Emily lol. "another tattoo" 👀. "A phoenix, or a blackbird"..."I love the song. But something tells me I shouldn't tread in your waters" (wtf does this mean?!) What exactly makes blackbird 'JJ's waters'? Perhaps JJ suggests a blackbird tattoo bc she has considered that for herself at some point. I'm not up on particular cultural meanings for blackbirds specifically, so the only thing I can think of is the song. In which case...what might that mean to JJ? "take these broken wings and learn to fly / all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise/ ... / take these sunken eyes and learn to see / all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free"

I mean, god, it's easy to imagine a young JJ clinging to this song in some way as she's growing up in her suffocating home after her sister died. And come to think of it, there's a poignant echo there of her realization in 3x18 In Heat, about the unsub "recognizing a freedom in his victims he wanted for himself". Does JJ yearn for freedom? What kind of freedom, freedom from what? Freedom from expectation...freedom from performing particular facsimile(s) of herself. ?? Freedom from the bureaucratic constraints (and like, laws of physics) that prevent her from aiding every case that crossed her desk.

And does s17 JJ still carry that within her, that need for freedom? She's grown SO far from s3 JJ, and so far from s7 JJ too. She is comparatively so self assured now. She also doesn't operate under the same pressures, her responsibilities are arguably less burdensome bc as a profiler she is one among many. She trusts her team and she has a team she can trust. Makes a difference maybe.

"why didn't you say your transfer was a backstop?" god the way AJ plays this. at first she is...ashamed? at Emily calling her out. She looks down, looks a little small, like she thinks she should have hid her secret better. "Ugh. I know that look. The 'I can't trust anybody but myself' look? I invented it." Then JJ lets the facade go, admits she feels like she's in way over her head. Trusts Emily. And the way her voice changes over the course of this conversation! At first she's putting on a bit of a show, trying so hard to keep the tone light. Then we see the cracks, the vulnerability - the uncertainty that has come with having her professional life totally turned upside down, and experiencing consequential failure. Emily helps her get on track by invoking Hotch, and now we get to see and hear the confident, intelligent investigator come to the fore. This is a great scene!!!!

which is capped by a line that is, in retrospect, kinda nonsensical. "sounds like it's time for you to be the blackbird and flip the script". Does this line make sense and I'm missing something? The implication is that JJ has to go on the offensive in order to gain control of the situation & flush out the unsub. But wtf does that have to do with "being the blackbird"? Anyway the more I think about blackbird as some sort of metaphor the less coherent it feels. So I'll just leave it be.

Y'know how it's nuts that JJ names her second kid Michael, given that's also Hastings' first name? Maybe it's some kind of family name, and she decides to 'reclaim' it. Take the sting out of her ordeal. What's the timing of her second pregnancy? Can't remember if it's before or after the one year anniversary of her abduction.

"no more lies. nothing but the truth from now on." Sure, JJ. Okay, JJ. 😬

Girl can't help but lie... "it's not important"... 🙃

Jennifer Jareau. When I first dipped my toe into CM, and then tripped and fell in, I didn't know quite what to make of you. I get it now. You're wonderful and beautiful and beautifully fucked up, and resilient and strong and so so used to going it alone on a fundamental level. It's such a struggle to let someone in. You're magnificent.

[justanotherniky]

30 Day HypMic Challenge!

DAY 4: Favourite Ship

🎤 SAMAICHI

They were my first and they are here to stay. They were the very first characters I was introduced to, and they captured my heart since the start.

I could seriously talk about SamaIchi's dynamic for hours and I have to really try to contain myself!!! Because there are a lot of beautiful and meaningful dynamics in HypMic but they truly do have my heart completely.

The thing about SamaIchi - or, well, how I always interpreted it - is that these two really strong, really tough men that went through so many hardships in life have managed to find the one person that has so much to share and understand with them, because they're so similar to one another, but they also inevitably go head-to-head all the time because of their hardheadedness.

Like, how heartbreaking is it, that in the span of so little time both of them - after already losing their long time best friends - were ripped apart from each other because Chuuoku chose to target the one weakness they both have (their families) that was strong enough to make them doubt each other? How beautiful is it that back at the time of TDD, the only person Samatoki trusted more than Ichiro was Nemu? For both of them, the other was just short of their only family in their list of priorities. And knowing just how much their siblings matter to Samatoki and Ichiro, that just makes my gay little heart weep.

And the thing I ridiculously love about them is the fact that they make each other worse, so much, but they’re also the one person that can make the other better. Because if it gets too much for Ichiro, the only one that can truly relate to him and understand him is Samatoki, and if there is someone that can keep Samatoki’s temper at bay, it’s Ichiro. (and that’s CANON EVERYONE THESE THINGS ARE WHY DOD IS THE BEST MANGA SIDE- gets dragged off stage while clawing at the floor)

And, well, I will have time to rant about this in one of the future days of the challenge, but DO YALL REMEMBER THE DRAMA TRACK "When Six Colours Combine, " " Begins"??? THAT WAS IT FOR ME. THAT DRAMA TRACK BROKE ME. Samaichi in there were just so precious, I literally have that entire 45-minute track memorised. But we'll be talking about it later ;) Just know that I love these silly boys and I could go on for five hundred years but I’m going to spare you lot because unlike me you probably have lives. *chu*

[docholligay]

ahahah I do love that she immediately breaks the rule, though I will admit I find myself wondering if this is a sort of "God's name" type thing.

So in Judaism, you don't say or write the name of God. This is why you'll sometimes see Jews spell it out G-d. Which is totally fair. But there are Jews, like me, who consider "God" itself to be a placeholder title, and not one of the holy names of God, and so it's fine. Are these names she's listing off in sequence placeholders, or are they actual invocations of the evil?

And does it have to do with whether or not you believe they are? If I believed the name "God" to be itself holy, I wouldn't use it. But I don't, so it's no problem! These names she's using mean nothing to me. If I had the belief that they DOD have power, would that itself give them power?