cathulhu-collective

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

Just wanna leave some support as a fellow tbmc survivor and programmed system.

You're good at handling the fake claiming or trauma downplaying, but still wanted to provide reassurance that your experiences are real. That they will never know that kind of pain and your trauma existing as it is is not downplaying other trauma automatically.

I hope you can heal and get better over time. It's a painful thing to do, I'm still dealing with my own stuff.

But just know that people see you and support you. And I only wish you the best as you live with such awful experiences.

I've received fake claiming and stuff in the past and personally avoided being more public about my experiences due to paranoia and not being in a safe environemtn. So it can suck being treated like that even if you have proof and know yourself well. So I just wanted to provide a bit of support and encouragement and reassurance. Their ability to say you're faking or programming isn't real is such a privilege to not have experienced that and to be able to write it off as not real. They can point and laugh and call fake and get angry at you, but it's folks like us that gotta live with this.

Seriously wish you the best. It sucks for us out here. But you sure as hell ain't alone.

Have a good day and I hope good things can come to you in time. You deserve to heal and be able to get better. Best wishes from a random person that saw your posts. <3

Thank you so much! Receiving support always helps, as a reminder to keep going forward. I hope that I can also express my support to you as well.

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

Me trying to do affirmations lol

[cathulhu-collective]

Yeah, until you're not.

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

I can't let any of these shards of my mind become any more broken...I just can't. The world doesn't reward you for breaking more, your life just gets harder and you still have to constantly pretend to be okay for the benefit of others. It'll just be more difficult to do.

I don't want people to know how broken I am. I want to inspire admiration and respect, not pity and weakness. But that doesn't protect me from this corrosion within...talking about it doesn't protect me either. I am not sure what in the world could/would. I think I just have to learn to live with the way my mind is. They couldn't possibly put me on more medications than I am already on and the end result of them all is just...this...

I don't even hate my life...I like it a lot of the time, but even when I like it, it's eating me alive. Hell, I like T-rexes, I think they are cool, I like snakes, I think they are cute, but neither of those sentiments stops those things from eating me alive, do they?

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

the stuff I remember is bad...the stuff I don't, I'm not sure I even want to remember...

[cathulhu-collective]

I was thinking about writing about why our alters don't talk about ourselves or refer to ourselves in particular. Obviously alters are a big part of this disorder, but as a collective, the conditioning of silence, is so extreme, and the discomfort, so immense, that the only people that hear who is fronting or about us, ect, are extremely close friends. Not even family - our close family members know we have this disorder, but even with them, we don't say who is fronting, or when we switch, or talk about the differences between us. If they ask who is fronting we'll often say but the question is very uncomfortable for us. It's even uncomfortable to respond as individual alters with the psychologist who diagnosed us - working on it, but, not comfortable at all. I envy those whose systems are more willing or able to talk to others and about themselves as parts.

We work a lot on inner communication, passive influence, and trying to help sort out gaps in memory between us, and system dynamics. We track fronting - completely, and it's probably not always accurate, it's just our best guess. But I couldn't imagine us signing off with who is fronting or doing introductions. It's terrifying to even imagine being "out" about having this disorder. The only times I've switched to publically using we instead of I is when our mental state is too unstable for us to moderate our behavior or how overt we are.

I think it's great when people's alters are comfortable sharing online and it's probably cathartic or therapeutic for most people, but for us it's just not something we're interested in doing right now. This blog is probably going to be about stuff other than our alters specifically, and will likely just address the things we struggle with. This is just a tangent if anyone does follow me and wants to know why we don't like "coming out" about ourselves or sharing about ourselves as specific alters/parts.

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]