cathulhu-collective

[cathulhu-collective]

...and that's how you become so dissociated you have no idea what is going on... separate totally from reality, when it is too much for the mind to comprehend...

[cathulhu-collective]

to me I don't think it's fair to compare and say, cptsd is implictly "worse" than ptsd, it's just more complicated. everyone with DID has ptsd, but since it's not talked about as much, I like to talk about cptsd sometimes.

with cptsd, I think part of it is it goes way deeper into you, like ptsd is one big crack and cptsd is a million little cracks that build up over time until it's all just fucked and you didn't even notice because you have always been this way. has to be pointed out to you that it's really bad. or you have a psychotic breakdown later in life from the return of trauma memories and have to deal with your life being destroyed and the humiliation of being in that state around family and friends.

I was misdiagnosed so many times and treatment wasn't working for me at all. but once I got to the point where I accepted that the constant memories and flashbacks are real and the reason I was such a mess, and I talked to a couple of my alters for the first time, I started to get a better grasp on my life. Not enough to live alone or take care of myself but I'm not constantly in treatment and in self destruct mode either. I'm healthy and I have people I trust and care about now. that wasn't always the case.

[cathulhu-collective]

tw: ed content

so I just saw today on my record of my last visit with my psychiatrist she added 'anorexia nervosa' to my diagnosis list. I am really surprised and not sure how I feel about it. Am I? If I'm really honest with myself? Probably. it doesn't look the same as it did when I was younger, but it's probably still accurate. I don't want to tell anyone I know about it.

she did also say if I didn't gain weight by the next time she wanted to discuss some sort of program for me. I really don't want that though. when I was younger I might have found it a relief. But I don't feel like I'm in enough distress to bother with something like that. and more than anything else, I don't want to tell the people I know I'm going to yet another stupid facility. I'm sure they've noticed that I've been noticeably underweight for a bit and perhaps they have their own concerns. But who knows.

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

meh

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

Major TW for ED content.

I have struggled with an eating disorder since about 12. It's been varying degrees of severity, and has fluxuated between ana and mia. My whole family are nazis about food, but my dad was the worst. He would ridicule me for my thighs touching or if I had a muffin top. He was relentless. Till the day he died that man never apologized for a thing. But the rest of my family was just as neurotic, even if not as cruel. My sister was overweight and I was basically a normal weight so she got it much worse than I did.

Anyhow, I started a diet at 12 to please my dad and it worked. I finally had his approval. Never in my entire life before then had I had it. At first the diet started out normal. I was eating fresher food, less of it, working out more, cutting out sugar. I slowly lost weight and all the adults in my life that had never had a nice word to say before were praising me and my discipline. My cousins, also with eating disorders, did the same. There werent many things we could relate on so I was proud of this.

Anyway, by the end of that year, I'd become addicted to losing weight. That summer I did nothing but sequester myself in my room, work out, weight myself, starve myself, and browse pro ana sites. I had a binder full of nutrition facts and to this day could give you the calorie count on just about anything. I taught myself to purge. It eventually became apparent to my mom that I was developing a problem, but, she was struggling with her own stresses, untreated mental illness, and my sister who was an addict at that time. Even so, not then nor for the entire time I lived with her, she did not take me to a therapist, or to a facility for treatment. She wanted me to, but I resisted, I fought, and she didnt have the strength to enforce those boundaries with me.

I wont tell the full story today, but flash forward to me turning 24 or so, I spent the next almost 3 years in and out of treatment facilities with my mental health in total shambles. The eating disorder was only the symptom. The underlying problem was extreme trauma, and I couldnt speak of it, so I couldnt heal. It was evident to the people treating me they were looking at a lot of trauma but their treatment modalities - and I have been in about 5 different treatments, some more than once - did not include much for trauma other than psychotherapy. And when insurance drops you from the program, you lose your therapist. I never had a long term one.

I was also very unaware the extent of my trauma. The parts I knew were bad but it was like a stray thread hanging off a shirt, that when you pull on it, totally unravels everything. I couldnt touch that string and try to work on the trauma without totally dissolving into a non functional, dissociative, purging, starving, self injurous mess of a person who couldnt take care of themselves at all let alone work or go to school.

Because of the things that have happened to me, I am on federal disability and cant work or go to school. I tried going back to school about 6 different times over the last decade. Each time I have been forced to drop out.

So, in the past two years, my ED has come back up again, and in the past 6 months has gotten a lot worse. Because of the amount of meds Im on I have a hard time sometimes eating, and alongside regular exercise I have lost a lot of weight. Im fairly underweight and my psychiatrist isnt happy about it. She even suggested that if I dont gain any weight before our next appointment maybe we should look at another treatment center. Which I dont want. My pride doesnt want to let me accept that I am similar to how I was when I was at my worst. Back then I wanted to be vanishingly thin and put every last effort into it. These days I dont try to lose weight but I am also terrified to gain any. And so even though I tell myself I dont care the way I once did, I think I still probably have an issue of some kind.

In the past girls like eugenie coony were my absolute idols, as sick as that sounds. Whenever I was in treatment with girls skinnier than me I went into a tailspin and crashed out. Treatment may have actually made me worse because of that. But now I look at girls like eugenia and think what everybody else does, that she is really hard to look at and clearly sick. I am not nearly as thin as her but I look similar to the way ariana grande does right now. Not healthy. Not most people's ideal body. But I am scared if I gain weight I just wont stop gaining it. So the amount of food I eat, it doesnt seem that little to me, but I wouldnt be like this if it wasnt.

So, not sure what to do. I didnt think Id find myself in a situation like this again. My next appointment is on dec 27th and Im legitimately concerned.

[cathulhu-collective]

It makes me feel unnerved and uncomfortable but it certainly does feel pretty appropriate. If art is about expressing the inexpressible I do envy those who can pull it off this well.

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

All day. All stupid day. It's this feeling. "this is too much", "oh no something awful will happen", "something is wrong", "I'm guilty", "I'm a bad person"...

The thing is if you're dissociative, you block out what actually IS wrong, but sometimes the feelings associated with the bad stuff leak through, but divorced of the actual bad stuff. So you just get this lingering "I can't handle this but I don't know what 'this' even is" - like a cut out.

[cathulhu-collective]

[cathulhu-collective]

Legitimately, even if they do not believe in programming or the continuation of abuse by the slew of alphabet agencies under the US government. It is legitimately well known that conditioning is rampant throughout basically every modern military out there? Like it is a key component of basic training to break the person and build them back up to suit the needs of the military, it shows an absolute willingness to condition people. They’re literally just siding with the military industrial complex, and I so don’t understand how they justify that in their mind.

I’m not really a military programming survivor, but like you said a lot of programming(even in non-military settings like cults) will use tactics and information laid out by the these organization. Personally speaking, one of my abusers survived military programming, and then just continued it on in the far right paramilitary cult I grew up in. People would be shocked to know how often situations like this occur.

Idk i’m sorry they’re treating you like shit. I can tell you know your shit on how you’re able to break stuff down and put it into understandable term. Game recognizes game. Just know that there are people out there that believe your experience, because similar things happen to them too.

Also, what exact pronouns do you use? I know in one of your posts you referred to yourself as a chick, but I find it best not to make assumptions on tiny things like that. 

I really appreciate this post. For my pronouns, both she/they are good with me 🙂

With respect to the military programming thing, exactly - basic trainings explicit purpose is to break and rebuild the person into a soldier. To this end, some of the best psychologists in the world have been employed by the DoD. Not just for interrogating, understanding, and tracking targets, but also for use on our own personnel. And intelligence services - they generally don't put their officers through it to the extent of the military.

Intelligence officers are trained and conditioned to be loyal, feel special and chosen, and put moral scruples to the side in some cases. However, the assets a case officer handles (they don't call them handlers, they call them 'case officers') are meant to be totally under their control, and the training of a case officer is based on how to accomplish exactly that. I was watching a podcast with a former case officer on it and he said that he was his assets "priest, confessor, therapist, friend".... and that he'd missed his calling as a psychiatrist, but he was very clear that his job was manipulation, programming, control of said asset, rather than helping them work through problems. He didn't seem to mind being honest about it - that's what all that training is about. It's all for the greater good. Ect.

I'm sorry to hear you were raised in a family that had a strong background in all that. I think that it is something that tends to become a tradition within families, it's like the military programming of the parent is passed off in a similar way upon their children. And, often, those children end up joining.

Don't get me wrong - I get why they do it. I actually do. I fight with myself a lot on that point. The fact that I don't hate the people who did/do this to me, and I should, and if I knew somebody else and it happened to them, I would be furious on their behalf. But, I find myself with a really strong sense of stolkholm syndrome (another thing I've seen the faker subreddits claim does not exist, just like they think DID does not exist). some alters are very attached to the programming, as crazy as that sounds. but they fight with the parts who can't stand the attachments, and it drives an intense self loathing and confusion between different parts.

I have always wanted to talk to people about the overlap between cults and gov sanctioned programming. I have read a lot of stuff but just based on my own experience, I know that a lot of the most important parts of these kinds of experiences are not really written anywhere.