#why do they keep coming back i only regurgitate what they said in an even more long winded way what is Their Goal

[tonydaddingham]

LWA: Some more idle thoughts about narrative construction and both seasons, prompted by your reflections about AWCW's inability to see consequences and Aziraphale's already-vivid awareness of them.

Crowley's and Aziraphale's pre-Fall selves are already set into their post-Fall approaches to consequences. Aziraphale, given adequate data, is very good at predicting the most plausible consequences of any given action; unfortunately, he's also very good at predicting consequences when he only thinks he has adequate data, which leads to repeated disasters (both the 1862 fight and the end of s2ep6 being the most obvious examples). It's not an accident that he's good at interpreting prophecy. It may also explain the weird Jane Austen misreading, which has nothing to do with how Aziraphale fell in love (past) but everything to do with constructing an iron-clad narrative in which there's a definite, logical romantic outcome (future). AWCW is politically naive, but fallen Crowley /still/ can't predict what ought to be the completely logical consequences of his actions. (Hence perhaps his own misreading of Richard Curtis, which mistakes the climax of a romcom for its inception.) S1ep1 keeps coming back to the fallout of Crowley pitching his stories too well to his demonic audience. He takes down the cell tower and does himself in, turns the M25 into a sigil and both gets trapped on it and temporarily murders an awful lot of people, and...then there's my favorite bugbear. Fans tend to overlook the likely outcome of Aziraphale giving in to Crowley's manipulation and killing the Antichrist, thanks to Madame Tracy stepping in, but beyond the cruelty /this is not something that Aziraphale could have survived/ (figuratively or literally). I was thrown straight out of the S2 episode in which Crowley gives away the entire bodyswap to Gabriel/Jim during his "protective" outburst, because as script-writing goes that there was a decision, but I have to grouchily concede that if Gaiman were to show up and remind me about the child murder business, he would have a point about narrative plausibility.

Crowley genuinely doesn't appear to believe that his relationship with Aziraphale has a developmental narrative. There's no story to be told about it. As I've said here before, his accounts of their relationship do not square either with what's on the screen or with what the actors have said they're playing. For Crowley, they've always been friends, they've always been a couple, they've always had the same kinds of conversations, whereas what's dramatized onscreen is a more heavily-romanticized take on the /book/ narrative, in which they gradually become friends over the course of centuries. There's no sign that /Aziraphale/ believes they've always been friends or a couple, which may be one of the reasons that Crowley's confession doesn't land.* In fact, one of the things that is now starting to bug me is the problem of Aziraphale's relation to Crowley-as-angel, because Aziraphale's problematic assumptions about fallen Crowley's continuity with AWCW (he's not trying to reverse-engineer Crowley, he really believes demon!Crowley effectively still /is/ angel!Crowley, just grumpier) mirror Crowley's refusal to acknowledge that his relationship with Aziraphale has an actual plot.

My take is that Aziraphale could obviously have done a much better job, Crowley-wise, of accepting the Metatron's proposal, but there's nothing to indicate that he could have done anything /else/. It's not just a mirror of Beelzebub's ep1 proposal to Crowley, but a warped mirror, in which the whole point of the "coffee or death" dialogue is that the Metatron is not really offering Aziraphale a choice in the matter.

afternoon LWA, hope you're well!!!✨

i didn't think to look laterally (not to this extent, anyway) at aziraphale and crowley when comparing their pre-fall selves with them later on in the narrative, but that's really fun to consider!!!

i absolutely love this interpretation of aziraphale's inner thought process, because whilst i had never really thought to see aziraphale as having an analytical personality type, he absolutely does; his approach to pretty much anything appears to be very systematic. in fact, im struggling somewhat to think of an instance where im confident that aziraphale reacts completely intuitively... maybe when he squares off against satan (crowley comes up with the time-stop, but where aziraphale chooses to face the devil down feels like he does so without any idea of how it could end)? any other action aziraphale takes, or words he says, feels like they've been very carefully deliberated over before delivery, even if he knows the outcome is going to be... well, shit.

you mention 1862 and ep6 as two examples, but, to me, aziraphale's way of thinking vs crowley's (which i'll come back to) is just encapsulated neatly in the entirety of s1; there are so many examples of where aziraphale consistently reacts to incoming data (when he discovers it or - when he deigns to - when crowley tells him stuff), and acts accordingly, and then immediately cycles back to analysing the result when it doesn't work.

my day-job (GO is practically The Other Job at this point) is largely based around analysis and research, and i regularly use a few thought models (maybe not consciously, but it's second nature at this point) in approach to a problem/question. so looking at the overall context of s1, aziraphale appears to follow a similar process:

scanning (identify the problem: the apocalypse)

analysis (gathering information/data, and identifying mitigating factors or outlying data: e.g. the hellhound conundrum, agnes' prophecy, adam is in tadfield, heaven actively wants the apocalypse)

response (how can the problem/question be addressed, and take into account any extraneous data that may affect the result: e.g. stop the dog, return to tadfield, engage shadwell and the WA, consult a higher authority through the portal, finds a human to 'possess' and get to tadfield)

assessment (the impact of the response, and any splinter effects or conclusions that the response initiated: e.g. realising that they had the wrong boy, identifying the right boy, where the apocalypse would happen, and that he and crowley were alone in stopping it themselves).

the last bit is especially indicative to me of aziraphale being analytical; he hears crowley say that god would not speak to him, but he still tries because it's a viable solution to scrutinise, and when it fails he immediately re-evaluates and then contacts crowley to try out an alternative, and share the information he has, because ultimately crowley ended up - on this count - being correct in his own initial, instinctive assessment.

obviously those phases of problem-solving throughout s1 are non-linear, and instead completely cyclical; aziraphale takes into account different factors and data at individual points in the story, and repeatedly comes up with various options in which to respond to problems as more data materialises - he continuously reassesses. initially, his approach to the problem of armageddon was to Not Act, and allow it to happen, because it was the great plan, and as an angel it was logical to him that whatever god had planned was for the best, was what was always intended, and would only ever be Good because... well, it came from god, right? had he perhaps thought a touch more intuitively, followed his instinct (which is arguably to thwart armageddon, the same conclusion crowley arrived at), he would have probably leapt on the chance to follow crowley's proposal... or possibly even proposed it himself.

but as it stands, he doesn't, and crowley gives him reason after reason to do so. all of this builds as significantly compelling data to aziraphale - to the point that when he's fully analysed (at this point) the potential outcome of Not Acting vs. Acting, he chooses to Act - a conviction that he sticks to. even at the bandstand, he doesnt sway on wanting to stop armageddon, but that the way that crowley proposes they do so not only directly conflicts with aziraphale's moral boundaries (killing a mf child), but also conflicts with aziraphale's sense of logic and reason (running away). and then as a last thought for aziraphale; he goes to instinctively shoot adam when crowley pushes for the last time, and is immediately thwarted by madame tracy - she does it as an emotional, knee-jerk, moral-based, human reaction, "you can't just shoot children!" - but given that that reaction is what aziraphale actually agrees with, it only reinforces that his way of thinking, logically and analytically, is the correct one, just because they happened to arrive at the same conclusion.

but this is where crowley comes in. crowley on the other hand acts very intuitively, instinctively, and i daresay emotionally - his immediate reaction to delivering the antichrist is panic, and to immediately call aziraphale (the narrative at the very least doesn't show any kind of analysis of the issue on crowley's part - would he have arrived at a different response if he had? and plus, as you say, him taking down the phone network was a class A monkey-paw job, well done crowley). but then he goes on to convince aziraphale into stopping armageddon with him (which, admittedly, does work, but only once crowley changes tack, stops invoking the emotional, and instead lays out the logical, does aziraphale agree).

when the issue arises of the hellhound (which, let's reiterate, crowley did not think to tell aziraphale before this point...), and the prospect of their upbringing plan not working because of this, crowley's reflex is to destroy the antichrist completely - but tempt aziraphale into doing it. when aziraphale pushes back on this more resolutely at the bandstand, crowley's immediate instinct is to just run. fair enough, given that crowley ends up being correct that aziraphale's resolution to beseech to heaven will just go ignored, but he similarly doesn't consider that aziraphale needs to test the hypothesis first, engage a more methodical and strategic approach, before resorting to more scorched-earth measures.

but as you say, this definitely harks back to the pre-fall scene. narratively, we still don't have any confirmation on what leads to aziraphale having any concept of punishment, or a sense of consequence; there is no iron-clad context (that I can see anyway!) as to why aziraphale would start to formulate this rationale - that asking questions might lead to a larger, damning (ha) consequence - when we can only surmise up until this point that angels would consider their creator as benevolent and omniscient.

AWCW presumably doesn't mean anything nefarious behind his questions (i think that can be reliably interpreted from his behaviour and delivery), so why would god ever punish him? this is beside the point, however; in any case, crowley tends to rush to a response, to act, without stopping to consider other factors, other data, and the potential consequences. in the pre-fall scene, if he had acknowledged the warning, the 'data', as it were, that aziraphale was giving to him (that something could go wrong if he continue the path he's walking), he might have arrived at the same action but with considerably more caution, and potentially prevented what happened to him (which, in contextual hindsight, is not necessarily a good thing). we don't have the full narrative yet to tell us what exactly happened during AWCW's fall, but it does seem like crowley is a chronic case of "fuck around - find out."

in this respect i personally find it entirely in character - and rather in-keeping with crowley's overall narrative in both s1 and s2 - that crowley reveals the ruse of the bodyswap in s2; he's not thinking about the consequences that it could have, but thinking entirely based on instinct. he's not thinking about whether gabriel/jim might remember the information, whether gabriel (regardless of his presumed reformation of character in ep6) might exploit that information, but entirely acting on the emotional wave that gabriel is posing a direct risk to aziraphale's safety and wellbeing. plus, we don't know how long he was sat in justine's restaurant for; it's entirely possible that he was three sheets to the wind by the point aziraphale happens upon him.

once again! not sure i arrived at a point! but i think in hindsight this is a really interesting way to read the final fifteen; it's fairly obvious that crowley is acting and reacting emotionally during the feral domestic, and aziraphale is - as metatron-aziraphale theories are indicating at the moment - acting and reacting based on a conclusion he's arrived at from data we've potentially only partially seen/data hidden in plain sight. but then we switch to aziraphale saying "i need you!", which is a hitherto uncommon emotional outburst from him, and crowley... saying nothing. is that crowley's way of thinking logically, analytically? because anything he says is not going to change the outcome - aziraphale will ascend, he will not, and they will still be apart?

on the note of their relationship, it's a really interesting dynamic - how crowley and aziraphale both see it from their perspectives. on one hand, you have aziraphale that goes from crush, to acquaintance, to confidant, to friend, to best friend and person he's in love with. crowley's perspective is... well, it is the same, right? so why does he retrospectively suggest that it's something that it, by all accounts, wasn't? look, maybe crowley was in love from the wall, immediately fell for aziraphale when he told him about the sword - but that's not what's actually shown in the narrative, to the audience. so... if he did, did he even realise it? is that why he looks back on their history as being something that, as far as shown to the audience, it isn't?

the s1 flashbacks are all shown from aziraphale's perspective (why am i only realising this now) - mesopotamia, golgotha, rome, arthurian england, 1601, 1793, 1827, and 1941 all show aziraphale first. the scenes are all set up with aziraphale opening them. it's only eden, uz, 1862, and 1967 that show crowley first... and all of them are pivotal moments for crowley's character development, as well as the development of their relationship specifically. that they learn to confide in each other, then they learn to trust in each other, then they learn the extent of what they mean to each other, and then they learn (or acknowledge) the danger of them being together.

so actually - does crowley think that there's no plot to their relationship? or is it that by 2023, he counts on the fact that the plot has already happened? that the biggest problem they confronted in his view - the holy water and the breaking away from heaven and hell - has been resolved (see: it hasn't), and that they've now reached the happily ever after? rather than the fact that we are actually only just getting to the climax of their personal story? which is also likely the stage that aziraphale was at by ep5, and is considering that crowley, by the time of the confession, is still a chapter ahead? "you go too fast for me, crowley."

(christ i don't even want to know the word count of this answer)

and this is similar potentially to how aziraphale sees crowley own angel-to-demon-to-just-crowley development; that he thinks that crowley as a person would want to be an angel again, "just like the old times, only even nicer", because why wouldn't he? he's a good and kind person, why wouldn't he want to be restored to the station and to the place that - in aziraphale's view - inherently embodies that? heaven has been corrupted, and he could make a difference, but heaven was always meant to be the place of good... right?

well, once again, aziraphale is without data - he doesn't, presumably, fully understand why crowley couldn't ever become an angel again, couldn't set foot in heaven again (not in that capacity, at least). so the conclusion he draws absolutely misses the mark; thinks this is the long-awaited happily-ever-after for crowley, when actually crowley is perhaps a chapter or two behind. s2 has shown more that crowley is able to somewhat accept that he is a good person, but he still has a way to go before he fully acknowledges it, and reconciles that with the, we can only guess, full circumstances of his fall.

last point - so glad that someone else spotted the mirror of the beelzebub proposal in ep1 to the metatron proposal in ep6; i think i gasped when i realised the implication of that conversation between beelzebub and crowley!!!✨

[nikethestatue]

Hello!

Wanted to get your thoughts on Elain not fitting into Night Court because per Cassian she is drowned out by “Night Court Black”? This also came up when Elain did not wear Illyrian leathers. One of the podcasts that I listen to (though mind you are very much in love with the red haired characters of the books, though they try to keep is unbiased) mentioned this. To me this has always been a bit of a faulty argument, especially about the Illyrian leathers because of course she would not want to wear that. Nesta was the same way. Cassian thinking that was an interesting way to word it—Mor nor Amgen regularly wear black yet he points this specifically out about Night Court. People tend to think well that must be it..Elain belongs in Day or Spring. Personally, I think SJM is perhaps pointing her to a different court all together—>Dusk perhaps???? Or it means absolutely nothing and Cassian is just oblivious to everyone except Nesta, despite the podcasters constantly talking about his emotional intelligence.

The 'black dress' comment has been addressed many times, and I can go back and kind of regurgitate the same info:

it's not the Night Court, it's specifically Hewn City

the plain black dress was there for a reason. To take all attention from her, and place it all on Nesta.

Elain volunteered HERSELF to go to Hewn City and play this role. She stated that she was 'part of this court' and would do what's necessary.

This is all canon and all in the book. So like I said, I am not going to regurgitate this info because the rebuttal of their arguments is already in there.

However, the Illyrian leathers thing is interesting.

Feyre stated that Elain possessed a 'different kind of strength' and SJM, in one of her interviews, said the same. Elain's strength, her powers are not connected to her abilities as a fighter. That's why she won't become a warrior. She is not a Blade. She is a loaf of bread. She is a flower. She is a rose in a mud field. She is a slice of cake. She is home. She is life. She is love. Her strength is that she does what is necessary, even if it's violent and cruel, and then she walks away. She doesn't dwell on it and doesn't take pride in causing pain.

However, unlike all of them, ELain was the only one who didn't need Illyrian leathers to deliver the most devastating blow of all--she stabbed the king. She didn't need any physical power to make a huge difference in the war--first by Seeing Vassa, who came in and destroyed the navy, and then by finding the Suriel with her Seer's Eyes, and through the Suriel, Amren learned how to shed her 'skin' and how to come to full power, thus developing a devastating blow to Hybern.

Elain has never been and hopefully will not be about fighting, slicing and dicing. Elain fully lives into the Nephelle philosophy. The weakest, the most 'insignificant' person can make the most difference. Nephelle with her too small wings, with her lack of physical powers also made a tremendous amount of difference in the previous War.

Cassian, the great warrior, the general, all clad in Illyrian leathers was no match for the King of Hybern. No matter his training, his physicality, his strength, he still fell, and was ready to die. But then Elain stepped out of the shadow and rammed Truth Teller through the King's throat.

That's her power. That's her strength. She does what needs to be done and then she returns to her quiet life, and continues to create.

That's the significance of Elain Archeron.

[lagncx]

Ch 1 ghosts of past

It was an invasion in the camp as soon as everyone was ready to rest. They've been caught off guard.

Astarion looked at his friends Gale ,Tav , and Shadowheart, hells even La'zel was on the ground. Where were the others? By now Astarion would've had a flaming arrow explode the fuckers, but something was wrong. Familiar and soon he realized what made his stomach turn, Vampire spawn. Some new faces some familiar. Tav pulled themselves up their great sword in hand as they shook off the wobbliness "Run Astarion! They want you not us. they won't have you." Tav spit a wad of blood on one of the spawn's shoes that charged at them with a mace. "They won't take you; we won't let them." Gale held his shoulder seething casting a magic missle on the spawn that was feasting on him. Why did Astarion feel so sick? So paralyzed. No, he can't let his freinds do all the dirt for him Astarion shot a bow of thunder at the spawn that had already taken a bite of Lazel and when she recomposed herself, she slashed at the enemies.

Everyone was giving it their all, but Astarion noticed Shadowheart was still very hurt he rushed over to her side "What is it? where are you hurt?" He turned shadowheart on her side looking for a wound seeing a bite on her neck for sure a vampire, but it wasn't normal. Almost like a vampire with three sets of fangs. Astarion laid a hand on it and started to heal her, but he felt the hairs on his neck stand a chill his ears twitched something was coming right towards him. Before he could react, he felt his cape pulled launching him back into the chest of someone and pushed right back agaisnt a rock his jaw hitting it making his eyes water and teeth vibrate. The person leaned against him lips next to his ear "This cape suits you, little star" Astarion let out a pained sob when the stranger pushed him harder into the rock "You've strayed too far away from the nest. Now Cazador wants you home. His runaway pet~" Astarion pulled his hands away and kicked the stomach of the person sending them back pulling a dagger out of his shoe "Tell Cazador. To Fuck! Off! I'm not going back. Unless it's to Slaughter him, I'll die before I go back!" The person stood laughing pulling off the cloak the campfire showing their features and it was like the world slowed and closed around Astarion his breathing uneven and he lowered his dagger "Killing you, would be my honor. But it will have to wait." Astarion gasped "y-y/n?" He shook his head It was you; you were the same even after a century just pale and cold. But you're supposed to be dead...actually dead left in a ditch after being feasted on by Cazador but here you are, The gorgeous monk from that night. He was in a daze his mind racing with questions and his throat was in pain growing a lump in the back his eyes watering. You grabbed him by the throat bringing him back to reality throwing him on the ground knocking the wind out of him his body him wheezing trying to take in a breath your knee pushing on his stomach your hand squeezing his throat hearing him yell when your nails dug into his skin. "Ive waited so long to have you here, crush your pretty throat where you regurgitate those loving meaningless words and rip out that damn vile tonuge of yours. i want you fucking dead...but lucky for you Cazador wants you alive. Seems ill have to wait." You said through gritted teeth You raised your right fist ready to knock him out but you got sent to his side with a punch, Astarion felt an arm pull him up for only a second, Karlach pushed Astarion behind her as she looked at you your jaw hanging out of place drool falling on the dirt but you just touched it pushing it into place your cheek was marked in the shape of Karlachs fist it was smoking the burn was intense but you just stood up un bothered "Keep your fucking hands off my freinds! Unless you want another sizzle on your cheek to take home with you!" Karlach yelled obviously raging and breathing heavy "Back off or ill tear you to pieces." Karlach warned. Astarion watched the way you smiled your fangs shining

You had three fangs they looked out of place but that wasn't important. Astarion whispered too himself "They should be dead..." Karlach looked back at him "You know them??" He stayed silent. Karlach turned to him "Astarion answer me-" In a flash you had Karlach impaled on a tree a branch through her leg she screamed your hands holding her down, but she was flaming how were you so calm your hands were being roasted skin dissolving away muscles exposed and it bubbled like gales boiling soup flesh popping and you kept a straight face looking over her your eyes glowed an orange "Hm, Karlach how much time do you have left? That infernal machinery seems like it won't last long." Karlach struggled "How do you know that?!" She was cut off when you pushed the branch with your leg the bark tearing into Karlachs muscle making her sob. "Has star told you about me? No? hm, and here I thought I was special"

Tav had cast a sunbeam with the blood of lathander a young spawn was the target so blood-hungry he neglected his surroundings being caught in the beam making him scream and the other spawn called for you "Y/N!" Your head turned to the scream seeing the boy shielding himself best he could "Help!" Some spawn tried grabbing him the pain being too much their fingers smoking. You hurried over to La'zel dragging you back "Tsk! No you don't!"you spun yourself punching her with multiple blows making her fall on her ass before misty stepping to the boy pulling him out of the beam with no harm done to you. Astarion and everyone watched in horror "The hells?!" Said shadowheart How could you go in the light unharmed, it was supposed to be impossible. You handed the young boy over to the archer spawn who thanked you before facing the group in front of you being immediately met with a blade to your throat by Wyll "Don't move." He warned blade against your jaw you just laughed "Oh come on don't embarrass yourself you're not stronger than me" you laughed looking back at the spawn who stood far behind "Told master not to have them with me...they weren't ready, but he insisted." You sighed "Just hand over the snake and I'll be on my way." Gale scoffed "Hes not going anywhere with you!" Tav stepped up "If you touch him on my life ill fuck you up!" Wyll looked at you stepping back lowering his blade "Enjoy your breaths while you can still take them...leave!" Astarion helped karlach off the tree the best he could without being burned seeing the protective arch his freinds made and the way Halsin in his bear form stood in front of Astarion big and fuzzy foaming at the mouth ready to swallow you whole he felt himself grateful that he ran into these people and for only a second he smiled but he felt deep down begging you to leave not to get yourself hurt even more. But Wyll looked at Tav who nodded and used concentrated blast to blast you into a tree you falling face first into a rock knocking you unconscious.

----------------------

Yippie yippie yippie so i have more its ready to be posted but please be patient i have to type it all out again...so yea i love you all so much thank you and this is what i was scared to post

@beepersteeper @chaoticgoodstuff and others who were supposed to be waiting for this im so sorry i hope this finds you. sorry it isnt fancy with font and theme dividers. im not a writer - Lagncx

[witchcraftingboop]

Chthonic Undertakings

Funny title, I like it... moving on

I haven't talked much, or really almost ever, about how my path is pretty firmly rooted in experiencing different facets of the world via trespassing boundaries - in my UPG, I've adopted the Tartaros/kraters terminology, but I'm trying to use a bit more common terms here. So while I do work that is based on ouranic or grounded associations, more often than not, especially lately, I'm working with more chthonic essences or energies.

I think when people think of the chthonic, most often they think of death, necromancy, burial rites, etc. And while I have had to partake in a lot more death anniversaries and ancestral veneration and elevations as I grow older, I also have started associating my channelling/riding and dreamwalking practices with the chthonic as well.

In my mind, at the start of such workings, I find myself at a crossroads within myself that I've discussed with very few others. Not out of a desire to conceal anything or keep to myself what's not for others, but just because it rarely comes up. I am, as ever, the type to say little unless explicitly asked. However, I was speaking with the Sanse medium I met in PR, and she put into words, much better than I ever could, how crossroads and chthonic influences are present in such workings by their very nature. It was a conversation that I deeply cherish, even if looking back at my writings, I can tell that it was really just reaffirming what I'd already experienced.

Carrying knowledge and intention into even the most fundamental elements of a rite or spell or what-have-you, to my mind, paves the way to greater understanding and success. A couple years ago, I couldn't say much about dreamwalking or channelling. I performed the two without much know-how and was largely reliant upon intention and effort. My undertakings were successful but without much ability for solid repetition, and that was actually really frustrating to me. It was a large part of why I was so open to traveling back to the island, when the opportunity presented itself, in the first place. I wanted to know more, but I also didn't want to rely so heavily and blindly on books.

From my time experimenting and seeking guidance where my own efforts felt insufficient, I've come to see my path and myself in a fuller light. Previously, if you had asked me about my family's blurry history with the paranormal and esoteric, I would've readily regurgitated what I'd been told since I was very young. Now, I obviously am not only faced with the fact that my aunts lied to me about a lot of things hoping to scare me into, essentially, getting married and starting a family asap, but I also have to parse through the facts I've learned from engaging, sans those presumptions and mental baggage, with Spirit on top of that. It is one thing, I think, to be led to a path overrun with misunderstandings and quite another to watch time and space clear what lies ahead and behind you.

So, it is a basic fact: channelling, dreamwalking, and ancestral works are rooted, in my practice, within the chthonic and crossroads. But with coming to understand this fact, I've gained a perspective that has served to further my practice. Now, I can easily get myself to the headspace that is most conducive for these undertakings, and I feel proud of the ease with which such workings now come to me. There's something to be said about the saying: to know the form of a thing is not enough, you must contemplate its substance and learn its truth in its entirety. The mediums and santeros that I've come to know have shown me a lot, from the most basic to the more complex, but I am glad for their lack of heavy-handed dialogues and suggestions. Filling in the gaps for myself and knowing there is support should I need it, has been one of the best parts for me in quietly exploring my practice these past few years.

I have not talked much on this blog for a variety of reasons, some for promises made to people and others for promises made to spirits, but one is that I find verbalizing my experiences difficult. My perspective is less rigid than before when it was boxed in by things other's had told me and that I felt my practice had to conform to, and so my thoughts on things that were once akin to a downtrodden dirt path, now flow like water from one bank to the next. And while I can catch a cup-full at a time, to freeze it into place to present elsewhere is something I am still not very adept at. Half the time, my drafts read like a rambling hyper child caught my thoughts one by one and bashed them all together over a few sparse lines. This is the best I can do for now.

[aliscntcrres]

task 03 ; the euology

Alison is wearing a simple black dress ... from Prada's Fall 2004 Ready to Wear line. Paired with a simple, light weight, black cardigan. The golden crucifix and Tank Louis Cartier watch she always wears, paired with simple small golden hooped earrings. Sensible black heels. Hair and make up kept simple but elegant. And I know you're all wondering: Benito is not present for the funeral, he's inside the house probably Alison's room enjoying some peace and quiet xx

" I'd like to start by thanking everyone for being here. Coming together on such short notice. As well as Mrs Tristan and her team, all their tireless hard work to put this together in a matter of days. A wildly impressive feat even for the best of the best. "

What the fuck was she doing. A thought that runs constantly through her mind as she stood in front of the crowd of mourners, beside Richard's new grave. Aside from the way she clutched a card in her hands, the quickly written notes upon it, she held herself impeccably well. Like she always did. Politely mingled with guests before the service started, tried to keep an eye on everyone as they faced Richard's death in an undeniable sense– tried to get an idea of what they intended on saying as well, obviously. But she felt insane for it. She felt insane for every conversation she had, every politeness she regurgitated– even the stupid outfit she'd put together. Thank god she was capable of doing what she had to on auto-pilot.

" A man like Richard Woodrow is infinitely rare. To be intelligent and ambitious is one thing. Without them, the career his hard work earned him, many of us may have never crossed paths with him. Certainly we would have never had any of the opportunities he was able to offer us. But to be those things, and then also as kind as Richard was? To have as open a heart as he did? I've never known anyone else even capable of it. And I'm not sure I ever will again, I'm not sure any of us will. "

His name felt like glue and sandpaper in her mouth each time she said it. She knew the formal way she had usually addressed him was entirely inappropriate in this setting. It would be off putting to hear her called him Professor Woodrow and then say the words that were expected of her, and then hear the other wards she spent so much time with share anecdotes and memories of him. But to her? It made her sick to her stomach. That flicker of anger she'd felt when she'd first read Mrs Tristan's letter had been ignored but truthfully it hadn't dimmed. The act she put on so well only fanned the internal fire.

Pause came as she looked at the next note on her card. It told her to share her own anecdote. She'd written down the words 'first meeting' but standing here, staring at those words, feeling the rage burn in her stomach – there was no way. She knew it would make her seem a better person, more relatable, more empathetic. But why did she owe that? Why did she owe it now? So, Alison detoured. If she could escape vulnerability even at a funeral, she might just survive the next few days.

" I won't speak for the others, as you'll hear from them all too. But I can only say how grateful I am for everything he gave me and everything he gave to all of us. From the most basic necessities like a roof over our heads, to education, to health, to confidence, to purpose, to belief in all of us. And to connecting us to one another. "

She could feel her act. Perfectly practised and perfectly in place, it usually felt entirely effortless. Usually it felt real. Her posture, her features, her perfectly calibrated words. Usually her greatest strength, her greatest protection, it felt like her greatest weakness. She wondered if she came across as much of a fraud as she felt. She wondered if she cared what anyone here thought of her. She wondered how much longer the flood gates would hold back the rage and sorrow within her. She wondered how heartless she seemed for not sharing any sort of personal story, no matter how short. She wondered if Professor Woodrow even really liked her, or if she was the start of something that changed when he met Estrella. She wondered it all with a sadness delicately coating her features. Showing that she had the appropriate, solemn feelings about this, but that she was good at holding them back. Exactly what any guest, any of the fellow wards, would expect from her.

" I idolised him endlessly, and I'll miss him dearly. "

[8bitsupervillain]

Higurashi When They Cry Hou ch. 5 Meakashi pt. 8

A brief recap, Shion went to the school pretending to be Mion to try to find out what's going on with Satoshi. Satoshi rebuffed her by telling her to ask herself why he's being so cold and distant to her. She takes this harshly thinking it's an attack on her when it's really delivered to Mion. Going back to the classroom she sees Satoko crying, and so she attacks Satoko going so far as to try to slam a chair across her and Rika "in an attempt to make her stronger." Or something along those lines. Half-hearted apologies are said, and now everyone's just ducky. Because, you know, people can just forget and forgive assault just by saying sorry.

Shion, buddy, pal, Satoshi is unaware you even exist. Every single interaction you've had with the guy you've been masquerading yourself as Mion. Every interaction, every head rubbing, every manic breakdown freakout where you batter a ten year old he thinks is Mion.

This I feel really sums up Shion, always looking to shift the blame around rather than reflect on her own actions. Satoshi must be in the wrong for rejecting her, it must be Oryou's fault Satoshi rejected her. She is aware that the guy is under some serious stress, but is utterly unwilling to accept that maybe he's just lashing out.

Previously I had mentioned that I think Shion is only latching on to Satoshi because he was the first guy with a pulse to focus on her since leaving the school. I had genuinely forgot about the notebook page there that more or less confirmed my statement. I swear I'm not just trying to regurgitate what the VN says but put my own spin on it. It only looks that way. Also I see in the future Shion will still be unable to let Satoko just live. She committed the most vile crime, living.

So it cuts to the day before Watanagashi 1982, she's living her depressed life because the boy yelled at her, and wasn't instantly on her side when good ol' Kasai shows up.

While I find this interesting that this somewhat confirms that the Sonozaki family aren't responsible for the deaths I am getting hung up on a really small detail. "There were cases of multiple victims in the past." You mean, all of them? With the exception of the foreman, every one of the Oyashiro killings has been a couple. The Houjou parents, the Furude parents (then eventually the aunt Tamae Houjou, and Satoshi, and Tomitake and Takano a year from now). It's just such an odd translation error to make, I thought maybe that Shion didn't know about Rika's mom, but I double-checked and when she learns about the curse killings she is told point blank the mom is one of the victims as well.

Oh come now.

Come on Kasai, be a pal, kill a child for me! Shion-san... you seem weirdly invested in this child dying. Just do it you small-fry mother fucker!

Mion then calls Shion telling her to call Satoshi. She does so, and the two start talking, Satoshi apologizing for the way he acted after stopping Shion beating up Satoko.

This confirms this version of events takes place in a different timeline from at the very least Tatarigoroshi. In that chapter Mion mentions that Keiichi is saying things that were very similar to the last time she spoke to Satoshi. So unless we need to start thinking that every single time Mion is on-screen it's secretly Shion it seems very likely that the timeloop alternate timelines theory is the correct theory. Which, boy don't get me started on that particular conspiracy theory.

So, I wonder what this silence means. Did Mion say something different when he asked her about the curse? Or is he just giving up because try as he might Mion just refuses to accept the idea the curse exists? I would very much like to see that particular conversation. The two then end their conversation because Satoshi's aunt is approaching, and Satoshi asks Shion to keep an eye on Satoko forever. Which she doesn't reply to.

If this is the embodiment of Hinamizawa or Oyashiro I wonder why they decided to take the direct route and converse with Satoshi directly? Assuming the supernatural elements of the narrative are real, and not just the hallucinations of a diseased mind. I don't think this is an actual factual demon/god/spirit, I'm leaning on this is his mind reaching its limit and snapping like a dry twig. Like how Keiichi snapped and became demonically methodical when he decided to kill Teppen.

[cringefailcabitha]

sorry i dont have tumblr (i only use it to stalk cabby art LOL) and idk if youll answer this but i am known as the cabby yapper by my friends so i wanted to bring this up to someone who thinks about her as deeply as me

do you ever like think about how terrifying mephones plan for a season 4 would have been to cabby specifically? out of all of the final 3 she has been hurt by the game the most (with no closure mind you unlike balloon), i think having to go through everything again would genuinely break her. even if shes less misunderstood the game still puts pressure onto her to be a facts machine, a strategist. when shes literally the kindest person ever, trying to comfort silver (despite his constant mistreatment of her), and sacrificing almost every post merge challenge for the sake of somebody else (i.e giving up her inani-mate for yinyang, sacrificing herself in episode 13 to put herself on the line with yinyang even if she was manipulating them out of obligation, AND EPISODE 15 SHE DEFINITELY WOULD HAVE WON IF SHE HAD USED HER FILES and completely foiling blueberrys plan, but she didnt because she cared about bot)

in the episode when shes reading the file, the screen actually starts shaking a little. implying she was absolutely horrified at what she was reading. and she had every single right, especially considering what shes gone through.

the other thing that’s absolutely insane to me is the fact that this information was conveyed to her via a file. aka her disability aid, something she relies on. that mustve been horrifying to see something so person to her used against her in such a way.

sorry i regurgitated a lot of this info from the shut i put on tiktok. im just genuinely crazy about cabby

ALSO UR A CABTUBE TRUTHER IM LITERALLY SO IN LOVE WITH CABTUBE i am lesbian cabbys number one truther and see her shipped with men far too much. but like i was so hoping test tube would at least apologize or something. it irritates me how they can make one sided silvercandle canon but they cant show us anymore one-sided cabtube. just make her blush or something. but tbh it made me emo when test tube (and pb bc they nodded) oraised cabby, it made me genuinely crazy.

also unshout out to everyone bullying cabby this episode genuinely why were half of them so mean please let silver Die slowly and painfully. also if lifering (i hc him and cabby as father and daughter, like u cannot convince me lifering and floory arent her dads) switched up on cabby i will personally take his soul like the grim reaper he will be seeing these hands.

sorry feel free to ignore this!

-🍭

😭 I was for real thinking about that earlier today like hasn’t she been through enough… Yes Cabby is a very competitive person but after everything that happened to her in this season and the fact that she’s Still in a vulnerable place right now I don’t think she would find it particularly enjoyable to not receive a prize and then immediately be thrust into a new season of competition— and as a team leader, no less.

Test Tube thanking her for apologising was,,, weird to me. I literally rolled my eyes. It gave me the impression that she (and Paintbrush) think Cabby *should* be apologising to everyone for making some of them uncomfortable? And I just don’t agree. As polite as it is, I think it’s way overstating her actions. Like… why is it “right�� to apologise to the entire jury for her past behaviour making “some of them uncomfortable” pre episode 7 when she had never even worked with half of them when said behaviour was supposedly occurring? It’s so frustrating to me, like… how much smaller does she have to make herself for them to be satisfied? I don’t get it.

And of course, “making them uncomfortable” thing again comes back to her files. It’s basically impossible for her not to internalise the idea that keeping information is bad because she Might get things wrong (which. Is another thing. As far as we’ve seen, her writing is almost always correct, barring Bot which is an obvious outlier, and erroneously attributing Suitcase turning on her alliance in season 2 to Balloon’s manipulation.) In episode 15 too, aka the worst Test Tube episode to me, she says Cabby thinks everyone is just “what she happened to write down” as if Cabby is careless and doesn’t do her due diligence when writing her files. Which to me directly contradicts her calling Cabby’s Fan file “impeccable” and having “so many notes” back in episode 2?

And as for Test Tube’s assertion that Cabby would turn on her the moment she stopped being useful, and that she treated everyone like chess pieces on her little board, it really felt like her jumping to conclusions because of what happened with Fan. Because she has done that to no other member of the Pinkers. And there is way less manipulation on Cabby’s part in the show than Test Tube’s irritation would have it seem.

I’m not sure if the writers intentions were to make Cabby as manipulative as Silver from the beginning, but if it was and that’s why this is all going on, well. Mission status isn’t exactly a success to me— the only manipulation she does is in episode 2, when she tries to get Bot to vote out Fan (and presumably the rest of the team as well), and episode 7, where she makes a big show of approaching Silver about how it would be better for him to stack the ice cream because, knowing him to be lazy and careless, it would increase the odds of him screwing up the challenge and make it easier to vote him out.

I’m at least relieved that Test Tube seems to have been thinking about things whenever Cabby says something self-effacing or seems to be nice, because it gives me hope that she may finally realise she’s been taking it too far and maybe Cabby will get an apology, but the fact that she’s been just sitting on it for like 3 episodes by now is killing me,

[carsonian]

ignore that silly anon omg! ur rec posts were sooo refreshing, especially bc u weren't necessarily rec'ing obvious authors. i love the way you talk <3 everything u write is so funny, your fic notes are their own delight to read & so many of your fics are lowkey underrated. luv the crack fics and how they still have serious elements. "here i am & here you are" is in my all-time favs and i'm so happy ur on tumblr and in this fandom <3333

Thank you so much ❤️ You're the absolute sweetest and I have no words because you've used all the lovely, heartwrenching ones. BUT! Since you mentioned that "Here I Am & Here You Are" is your favourite, I thought I'd share a coda for the fic that never made it into the fic mostly because I only wrote it two hours back. Also, this one goes out to all the SamBucky fans who were sad that the two didn't get much screen time in the fic!

"We Just Keep Going" on AO3 | 1,829 words | Rated M

"Well, well, well," Bucky propped a hand up against the door. "If it isn't my favourite person with my second least favourite person. A pair, when put together, forming a union so utterly average in my favourites list that it doesn't even warrant the work of accurate ranking."

"Did you run lines for that?" Steve asked.

"You're not very good at math." Tony tilted his head.

"Agh." Bucky wrinkled his nose, "I already hate this sequel. Come on in."

"Sequel?" Steve added as he pushed their suitcases through. Tony trailed behind them, running a hand over the flat tile on the door, a colourful piece that bore the words, "BEARS AHEAD! GRR!" 

"You two. Back together." Bucky shook his head, "can I have it on the record that I don't endorse this?"

"What record?" Tony asked. "What're you even on about? I thought you lost an arm, not your head."

"Wow." Bucky pointed a finger at Tony. "You know, this is why people call you "difficult"."

"Yeah, yeah," Tony said, "how's the new one handling you?"

"I would say like a dream but I don't want to feed your ego, so I'll say like a," Bucky steepled his fingers, metal and human hand making a compelling image when intertwined. Like some harmonic fusion of AI and humanity. Real cyberpunk shit. Bucky exhaled, deciding on, "like a well-constructed reality."

"Okay." Tony drew out the word, "is Chip here?"

"Who?"

"Sam." Steve clarified.

"Oh, haha, Chip 'n Dale, I get it. You think you're funny. Shut the fuck up." Bucky said, no bite to the words. "Yeah, he's around here."

"What a welcome." Tony crossed his arms. "Okay. I'm gonna change, then lay on the couch, drape an arm over my eyes and nap off the jet lag."

"Sure." Bucky shrugged. "Sam's gone to get burgers. Should I wake you then?"

"Steve can wake me then." Tony shot a glare at Bucky. "Since he knows how to do it without totally violating someone."

"It was one time, we were twenty-two, and the ice had all but melted." Bucky protested, quips easy from an argument too often regurgitated, so well-worked that they slipped out easy even after a decade.

Demonstrating that the passage of time didn't necessarily reflect emotional growth, Tony shot Bucky a middle finger. Then, after pointedly waiting for Bucky to point out the bathroom, he took his clothes from the carrier bag and went over to the bathroom. The snick of the lock rang in a final pointed gesture and in the pointed silence afterward, Steve and Bucky met each other's gaze.

"You gonna give your old man a hug or are you too grown up for that kind of thing?" Steve asked.

"What the fuck are you saying?" Bucky made a disgusted sound, "you ever say that to me again, I'm kicking you out, brother or not."

"Alright, tough guy. Come here." Steve urged, bringing Bucky forward and hugging him, taking care to pat him on the back of the flesh shoulder. 

"Y'okay? You all mushy?" Bucky asked into his shoulder, "Tony treating you well?"

"Shuddup." Steve replied good-naturedly, "You run Sam into an early grave yet?"

"He's a slow runner." Bucky seesawed, pulling back to make the gesture.

"Don't I know it." Steve said, "seriously, though. How've you been?"

". . . Better." Bucky admitted, "Not everyday, but, you know. . . a lotta days. It's good. I'm good." 

"That's a solid deal." Steve praised, raising his eyebrows to punctuate the point.

"Ain't it?" Bucky gave a flash of a grin, all young fire and old contentment. 

"I'm glad to hear it, Buck." Steve said, gripping the man's shoulder for a moment, just a brief press, "I really, really am."

"I know, ya big sap." Bucky shrugged the moment off. "How's Tony been? You fucking each other's brains out?"

"Reckon it would take a while to fuck Tony's brains out." Steve pondered, "since he's a genius and all. Lots of brain. . . cells." 

"Okay." Bucky raised his eyes heavenward. "He ain't even that smart. Remember when he thought a carton of milk cost eight bucks?" 

"He's a futurist." Steve said in his defense. "Give it a few years, it probably will."

"Christ alive." Bucky shook his head. "Good thing Sam's only drinking soy and whatnot." 

"Agh, he's converted you?" Steve wrinkled his nose.

"Ye-up." Bucky turned his thumbs inwards, pointing at himself. "Total believer in the soy cream, right here."

"If your mother could see you now, she wouldn't even recognise you." Steve shook his head faux-solemnly.

"Uh, duh. Why'd you think I grew my hair out?" Bucky scritched a finger against his chin. 

"I dunno, to hide your ugly mug?" Steve volleyed. 

"Is that what the scruff on your face is for?" Bucky poked him. "'Cause what's that about?"

"I didn't have time to shave while travelling." Steve said, "I'll shave it off when I shower later. Tony likes me clean-shaven, anyway." 

"Tony likes me clean-shaven, anyway." Bucky mocked in a jeering tone. "Jeez, the two a you are awful."

Steve paused, set his lips in a straight line and said, "'Cause the stubble can be scratchy when I'm rimming him." 

"Eugh. Yuck." Bucky shook his shoulders out. "What the fuck, eugh. Oh god, I'm gonna gag."

"Okay, drama queen." Steve rolled his eyes. He took the pause to push their suitcases up against the wall. Upon turning back, he found Bucky raising an eyebrow at him. 

"That's a homophobic remark." Bucky said.

"You're." Steve ran a hand over his face, "I'm too jet-lagged to listen to you right now."

"Good way to say you can't think of a comeback."

"Don't say comeback, it reminds me of—"

"Blah, blah, blah." Bucky stuck his fingers in his ears, "can't hear you, can't be traumatised by you and Tony." His voice rose higher with the second sentence, and it proved the "losing one sense amplifies the other senses" thing wrong because limiting his hearing was obviously causing an amp up in Bucky's lack of common sense and also, his (already debilitated and clearly debilitating further) sense of humour. 

Thankfully though, it seemed that the universe was immune from the senses thing because it was with an apt sense for timing that the doorbell chose that moment to ring out.

Steve let Bucky continue his immature performance, going up to open the door in the charmless host's stead. 

"Hey!" Sam greeted, takeout bags in both hands, "you're here!"

"Hey Sam," Steve returned, taking the takeout bags from him and moving them to the dining table, "good to see you, man. How've you been?" 

"Great, great." Sam said, "How're you? Travel safe?"

"Yeah, perfectly." Steve said, "Tony's just getting changed. You came back quick, eh?"

"Got lucky with the line." Sam said, "how's—man. What are you doing?"

Bucky took his fingers out of his ears and gave Sam a sheepish smile, "well, well, well." He said faux-menacingly, "if it isn't my least favourite person."

"Don't say that about Steve." Sam sidestepped, "and why're you acting like a child?" Without waiting for an answer, Sam entered the kitchen and the sound of running water followed. 

"FYI, this is why you're Dale in Tony's "Chip 'n Dale" analogy." Steve said. 

"Look at you, bein' such a supportive boyfriend." Bucky said. "Boy oh boy, I best be careful or I'll be out of the running for boyfriend of the year."

The lock of the bathroom door clicked and Tony came out in a grey sweatshirt and trousers. Steve decided to save the fact that they were both Steve's clothing items for later, when Tony was sleepy enough to only notice the reprimand and not how hot Steve got at the sight of it. Tony ran a hand through his hair as he asked, "I heard the door. Sam's here?"

"Kitchen." Steve jutted a thumb out, and Tony headed over to say hi. 

As the two began what sounded like an incredibly mature exchange of greetings, Steve and Bucky shared a short look. 

"We are not the immature ones in our relationship." Bucky insisted, "we are not the "Dale" of the relationship."

"I think they're brothers, anyway." Steve gave an involuntary rictus, "Tony's always multi-tasking when we watch films. It's a problem. I'm working on it."

"Yeah, okay." Bucky sighed. "Hey, Stevie, off the record?"

"The record that doesn't exist?" Steve asked, "that record?"

"The very same." Bucky cleared his throat. "I'm happy you're back together, you know? Real happy. You average each other out."

"In your favourites ranking or in general?" Steve asked. 

"Both, genius." Bucky said. "That's why you two work so well together." 

"Thanks, Bucky." Steve said. "You too, you know?"

"I know." Bucky said, giving him a genuine smile. That, more than anything, made Steve feel properly settled. He was out of business in taking other people's opinions on him and Tony getting back together, but Bucky was definitely the closest to being a person he could trust to know enough to be accurate and honest enough to be truthful. So—the fact that he approved, well. It just mattered.

Sam and Tony walked out of the kitchen, still chatting, with table mats in Sam's hands for the food.

"Hey, Tones." Bucky walked forward, "hey, buddy, come here." 

Tony made an "oof" sort of sound as Bucky came up and hugged him, matter-of-fact about it. The look Tony sent over to Steve over the shoulder was bamboozled. Befuddled. Somewhat begrudged. A tad bemused.

"Hey." Tony said, "you okay?"

"Yeah." Bucky patted him twice on the back and then stepped back. He pointed at Tony with the metal hand and at Steve with the other, "you two break up again, I'm suing you for psychiatric damage."

Tony's finger met Bucky's in a perversion of the E.T. greeting, pushing him back as he said, "Buckaroo, you couldn't afford me."

"Can we continue this over food?" Sam called out, "'cause I didn't wait twenty minutes for cold fast food."

"Sure thing, babe." Bucky grabbed Sam by the scruff of his neck and pulled him in for a tight hug and a peck on the cheek, "there, there. Didn't mean to make you feel left out." 

"I wasn't even—" Sam tried to shrug out the hug for a futile moment before quickly conceding to it, "whatever, okay."

"I don't want to break up," Tony sidled over to Steve, "but I do want to keep up with the psychiatric damage."

"Agree." Steve wrapped an arm around Tony's waist. 

"Should we fuck on his bed?" Tony suggested.

"Sam would suffer too, then, and he doesn't deserve it." Steve said, adding with a thoughtful tone, "let's do it on his old bike."

"We do average out." Tony said, and then, at Steve's startled surprise, "see, I can multi-task."

[nahalism]

Hi<3 i struggle a lot with pessimistic, fatalistic thinking (and feeling). I slip very easily in the catastrophic states, a lot of bad things happened in my life for sure both during childhood and adult life but i feel like my brain just keeps expecting that now, that at almost any time something can go wrong, something could blow me and my life apart again. I am always on guard, expecting the worst even if i hope for something good because i cut myself on expecting goodness too many times. Did you ever or maybe still do struggle with being negative in your approach, thoughts, feelings? Maybe know some ways that could lead to deal with it somehow or ideally conquer this. It’s really exhausting to be trapped in this but no matter what i do i am somehow brought back to it. I wish i could feel calm and not on the verge.

sending love 🤍

hey so, this will b another long one. sorry,,,,. i do and have dealt with this. i feel like whenever i move from a fearful place or a 'i lack ... in my life' kind of mentality, i begin looking for solutions, or things and situations in the world, to gauge/affirm my sense of security and identity. if i dont catch that that's what's happening, that quickly escalates into thinking in negative, catastrophic ways, because subconsciously i want to protect myself from perceived danger. howeverr, one of the many issues with that way of thinking is that the danger i put up defences against is perceived, not actual, and since my perception is rooted in fear, my 'instinct' is to react from fear which = impulsivity and either extreme actions taken out of poor judgement. even worse is that operating from an unconscious space where every thought, emotion, and action is a reaction not a response, makes it harder to trace the root of the problem or rectify the negative series of events that has been playing out, so rather than seeing what might be very clear opportunities to resolve the situation, ill revert to habit, and seek out the danger and toxicity that replicates what my subconscious perceives to be a sense of safety or familiarity.

the reason i say all of that because the only solution ive found to anything is a repetition of basically how i respond to all of these asks, and rather than me regurgitate that, i feel like an insight into my pattern might give you more clarity on your own pattern, or make the 'advice' i give specific & directly applicable.

1) you have to get still [usually this kind of thinking is reinforced by cyclical patterns in 1) thought, 2) emotion, then 3) the actualisation of both thought and emotion in an event that validates the initial urge to 'be worried/fatalistic'. if you can create breaks in the experience of those emotions or thoughts by attuning to your present state of being, you can begin to create breaks in that cycle, and allow for clarity, groundedness, or literally any other thought possibility to enter your mind]

2) get to know and accept yourself [dont just get to know your character, or likes and dislikes, but actually observe nature and ground yourself in a knowing of your true role in the wider ecosystem of earth. you need to know who you are so you be anchored, trust in what you know through feeling & not what you know through whats shown to you.l. no matter what comes to pass, you have it within you to overcome it, but if your not tapped in to your own compass, all these thoughts will have power and thus ownership over you.]

3) once you find what you are, move from that space [dont try to share it or bring anyone along for the journey. dont try to make others aware of that space within them. dont try to get anyone to see what you see and affirm it. just stay on your journey, walk it alone whilst you have to, pick yourself back up when you have to, and trust what that process shows you, and who and what it eventually brings to you.]

all of those things are so much easier said than done, but that's why its a practice. each time you fall of and bring yourself back into alignment, a puzzle piece slots into place and those puzzle pieces are pieces of wisdom that eventually accrue and become what allows you to see, understand, move differently and then change your life.

one last thing ill say is, read over your message again. the things ur saying affirm the continuation of a pessimistic cycle & im not saying that to be mean or as a call out, because im sure you explained your feelings the way u did to give me a clear insight into what you feel, however the way you said what you said was very much an indication of the truth you believe about yourself. so keep an eye on your words, because our words betray us. & you may not believe yourself when begin that process of paying attention to what you say, & altering it to be more affirming, but eventually the truth will stick to your ribs and one day you'll have no choice but to believe it cause you will see it for yourself.

final thing. the things that have happened to you always stay with you in some capacity, but just know that they are not hinderances. your experiences will bless you the moment you realise you are the one. & u are the one. sending u my love <3

[lgcjino]

REC: I'M ON A BOAT ! — reflection vlog

he likened the idea of regurgitating the tale of their week on the sea akin to telling his parents how his day went — not that he remembers telling his parents how his day went, ever. but he thought the sentiment should be the same: homely, comfortable, amusing, not missing any detail but leaving out the unseemly parts, appropriate but not too appropriate that it’d come across as boring.

of all things to fluster him, jino did not think a camera and an empty room would do the trick — it almost seemed perverse.

jino fidgets, trying to make himself comfortable in the room, watching as the light on the camera lay blinking — edging him to spill to his heart’s content, daring him to give them something, anything. he licks his lips once, runs a hand through his hair; down his neck, licks his lips twice and strays his gaze.

this was harder than he thought. hadn’t he just told jiah about what he did hours earlier? why did it feel so easy then but feel so hard now?

an uneasy hand waves at the camera, that should be a start, yea?

he clears his throat, scooting to the edge of the chair before finally starting — he wonders just how much footage they’d have to clip from the beginning from his unnecessary stalling.

“it’s been fun,” this he can say truthfully. the entire trip had been like fresh air — especially when the rest of the year he had felt like he'd been submerged underwater. the entire year had been full of foreign schedules, routines and things he had never in his wildest dreams thought of pursuing but the cruise had been a much-needed respite.

(even if much of the cruise had been full of workshops, the change of scenery had helped more than he had initially thought it would)

“i never really thought something like this would come along, you know? i thought being at the company was all work, no play.” he chuckles, the first step to relief as he takes a edge further into the camera’s eye.

“not to say i’m ungrateful for the work, i am — grateful, that is. i’m learning a lot about a lot. it’s been real eye-opening.”

“but man did i miss traveling, usually we’d have taken a family trip — jiah and i with our parents,” unfortunately, since he and jiah 누나 were preoccupied with being trainees under strict obligations, the only family trips they were allowed were trips to their grandparents’ kimbap shop in seoul. “but this is nice too. i was able to go to shanghai disneyland with 누나, too. rode rex’s racer four times. i know, i didn’t puke once.” he smiled as if to say: cool, right?

“the rest of the trip was fun; saw some dope views at the tamatorizaki observatory, too. i think they said tomorrow is the last day so i guess i should end this quick, gotta go get some rest before tomorrow’s early day. breakfast hall opens at 6 and you know me — i’ve got to get some food in to keep my energy up!” he laughs, “if i’m able to, i’ll try to do another update before we disembark, but that’s enough out of me for now. thanks for the opportunity, caps! this trip has been what we really needed, i think — everyone feels a lot more at ease these days.” at least as at ease as being on sea as one could get.

“that’s it for me, for now, moon jino — over and out!” he sends out with a tiny salute and a sly wink before reaching over to shut the camera. the male slinks back into his chair for a moment, a sigh of relief on his lips as he finishes the segment.

[logisticalandrewthinks-blog]

Rebirth

Feel like i gotta put an edgy title, even if I'm not feeling as edgy at this moment in time. its been a little while, a little over two years in fact, last i posted was August 7th 2022, now its August 30 2024.

I've graduated university now, and was lucky enough to have snagged a job before I finished that pays decent and has alright upward mobility. I'm wondering if I should feel happy now or if that will come later? it feels all a little too empty. Although I am not in the depths of despair that I used to always be in when I posted on here, i am feeling slightly empty on is this all life is now. I'm moving in with Hung next year, so theres that to look forward to, and also the Japan trip is finally happening, of which I have done my best to plan and organise, I realise now that if I want to do something, I should organise it, otherwise nobody will do it, since the people I tend to surround myself with are very low maintenance people who therefore aren't really planners much with the exception of like Kass I guess, who enjoys this sort of thing of being organised and planning for things. But I do have Japan to look forward to I guess, I am excited for that, but a part of me does wonder if all I will do now in life is just make money so that I can go on holiday, and then work, then go on holiday. I dont really have many aspirations to own a house or even relationship stuff much at the moment, though next year maybe ill try to date again to see if im any different to it, and if im alright to date now. Its more that in my future I see other people getting together with other people, and i feel like i should follow suit, like i should have myown person that im with too, since at a certain point of our lives i assume we wont see eachother as much since they'll be preoccupied with their significant others.

All this talk of is this all life amounts to and tangentially being related to that, the worth and happiness of a life made me go back and read an old manga that I really liked when i first read it back in the day called "I sold my life for ten thousand yen per year." which is about a guy who does just what the title says, he sells his remaining life til just three months, since he has nothing to live for but not a lot of money, so why not live a few months in luxury at least. I won't regurgitate the entire story but its worth a read again future Andrew if you're still there, thats quite touching and gets you thinking about the worth and happiness of a life.

This is probably the most mentally healthy I've ever typed into my blog, materialistically things are looking up for me, I'm gonna be making decent starting wage with benefits at a (allegedly) good company, Ill be doing hybrid so work from home some days and work in office other days. I have a group of friends online that i frequently join the voice calls daily to hang out and game if that occurs or watch things. These extend to real life too, seeing friends in real life and interacting with them. Its all going in a way, materialistically very well, and yet I can't help but feel, "is this it?". Like am I supposed to just do this for another 40 years til I retire, to then just rot away and die?

Something I did do this year which I really enjoyed was travelling, I went to morocco with oogin + HABS people which was an amazing short trip, a 8/10 experience could only be made better if we were there longer, paris with chrystal and josh 💀 was a 5/10 but mainly cause of being a third wheel of a couple that I don't think should be together, maybe I'll keep a record of their thing later if I can be bothered, and also went to the peak district to try outdoor climbing for the first time, and then to manchester recently for a wellness chec kinda thing for chrystal, since she always visited us but we never visited her but i said i wanted to, so i said fuck it ill organise it, when are you guys off and so 4 of us went up north to manchester for two days. But all this to say, I really do enjoy travelling, I finally understood why those hippie sorts of people spend their entire lives travelling, I used to think oh it must get so tiring and so boring so fast, wouldnt you want to just sit down and chill? but you can! you can sit down and chill underneath a blanket of stars, or sit by a warm fire, and just look out into the distant deserts of morocco. I really enjoy travelling and I hope to do a lot more this next year.

Something else i took up in the last two years is bouldering, its a hobby that i genuinely enjoy, I've been climbing for two years, on and off, (maybe like 6 months total where i didnt climb so technically one and a half years) but its what inspired me to then go outdoor bouldering with puru armaan and yossi which was a fun trip, though it was humbling how difficult it is! currently I can climb v4-v5 indoors but i could barely only climb V0+ outdoors, which is like beginner grading, which is pathetic 😭 hopefully next time will be better.

I'm not really here to say much else, If i think of something Ill post again soon, but its 8 am and ive stayed up all night to watch LE SSERAFIM's comeback "CRAZY" which is really fucking good. Thats another thing I've done in the last two years, is gone back to my kpop roots cept this time i have the disposable income to irresponsibly spend money on merch and albums for LE SSERAFIM. the music and obsession as a hobby has really helped though, it gets me through the hard times seeing the behind the scenes and watching the live streams and hearing them talk about their lives. Bias is Miyawaki Sakura since I already kinda was biased for her in IZONE when she streamed gaming content on youtube and made videos for gaming.

I would say to end this post that LE SSERAFIM and Bouldering funnily enough have saved me, in the last two years. Two years ago i was hurt fairly badly by people who i thought i was close to, though perhaps i never was since its an online friendship, how close can a online friendship be? obviously an online friendship can be very close, but it depends alot, and it seems perhaps this was not one of those times. I dont recall if i ever actually outlined what happened from my point of view as a record, so maybe ill do that. haha i always say ill write these things and never get round to doing it. it does help somewhat though, clear my thoughts by writing in this blog, so i really should do it more often, maybe now im more mentally well ill do it???? who knows. we shall see in the next one.

I shall leave with le sserafims latest song that got released 4 hours ago, which is the cuntiest thing i have heard in a while, and will defo be a bop to remember, and so future andrew!! relearn your roots!!! go back to listening to le sserafim and rest up!!!

[kendrixtermina]

 (On Strength)

I first didn’t realize what had happened.

I’d need it pointed out to me that my shouting had in effect shut up an awful situation.

I saw his gestures of ingratiation as I saw them once,

his fake niceties,

moves of power, trying to make me owe him

so he could hold it over me in a merry dance of ritual humiliation

but that’s not it.

I always said that he was the kind of person that was impossible to respect,

the bootlicking parrot weathervane

that would regurgitate whatever he’s told.

The kind who would spill war upon his homeland if some far right blog told him

making it clear to my very young self that he’d give me the full 220 volts

at the request of Mr. Milgram

and then when fashions change, claim to have always been a pacifist

I always said he’d have let his father put out a cigarette on his face

He let me accuse him of sucking off some polician and he took it,

just like that

someone else told me to cool it off,

but it was more a yellow light than a read

the old sucker didn’t even react.

That fucker is being obseqious.

He hasn’t changed, im not so foolish,

he’d take right over if I gave the chance

but he’s switched me, in the program,

from ‚those below‘ to ‚those above‘.

That fucker is scared of ME now!

It’s not so difficult to dominate a spineless person

go ahead and try! It doesn’t take much, only the attempt.

He known his position, he knows he’s being tolerated

from good will and obligation

I didn’t believe it, honestly, but my point of view may have been skewed

he knows he’ll be scolded

(and there was scolding, quiet and powerful

and there were whispers to let me know I wasn’t the only one)

by those with more good-will, whose sad loving voice cuts even more

and yeah, they’ll say that I was difficult,

but the designated arsehole tends to be kept around for a reason.

I appeciate finding out what it feels like

to peer through the tree crowns

I can understand how some people grow addicted

to the thrill of holding that power,

it doesn’t feel so bad

it’s not so difficult after all

I could bully you now if I wanted

and I can see the parallel universe where I might go overboard

Giving into lust and vengeance,

untill I drive it too far, push you to hard, wear out everybody’s patience

turn them against me,

and bring down the house collapsing on my head-style

like friggin Samson

But I see no reason right now to go down that option,

perfectly content to leave it as but a dream.

I haven’t that need now, I’m not so difficult

as back when I was shouting and screaming,

thinking I was the only one alone in the world

I’d rather just

keep not comming to his birthday parties

keep the awkward stares

coming his way when he has to explain why I’m not in this photo

until one day I realize I’d forgot when his birthday even is.

I’d rather close to the book on

leaving this a tiny routine weed to deal with without demolishing the garden.

I can say that you’re a joke now,

without this needy defensive tinge to it trying to prove it.

I can smile quietly in the contentment of my room now, to a trivial matter.

You know what?

I’ll take it. It'll do. I’ve known long how to be content

See? It wasn’t so much to ask.

For so long you had denied all of my being,

now, for the first time in your presence

I’ve felt that I exist.

You gave way to make space for me,

ever. so. slightly.  

[babyboywinchester]

No one said incest is normal. In fact incest is very not normal and morally wrong and unacceptable. Everyone knows that and everyone understands that. If anyone were to actually say those words then there is something seriously wrong with them.

That being said… have you never enjoyed something of the gothic horror variety? A very common theme, nearly needed in that style, is incest. In fact Eric Kripke got inspiration for the two brothers from reading Richard Siken’s poems about two lovers and even wrote the guy fan mail over it. Supernatural, in the early seasons, is very American gothic and so the thought that people might take it a step further and ship those two… isn’t that big of stretch. I want to ask you where do you draw the line in your, apparently, morally superior fiction? Since you are the one that gets to decide… is sex before marriage okay? Is rape in a fictional sense okay? Is murder okay? Is cannibalism okay to read in fiction and be interested in?

I actually read a scene in Stephen King’s IT that horribly disturbed me when I read it. All the twelve year old kids have sex with each other in the sewers. It’s been literally years since I’ve read it and therefore I can’t remember what exactly it had to do with the plot of the book as a whole… but I was like wow that was weird as hell, Stephen. And guess what… I went about my day, even though I had such a horrified nearly physical reaction, I had to put the book down and do something else for awhile. Why? Because the thought of that happening was disgusting to me… as it would be for any normal person. I felt awful for the kids in the book. Guess what? It’s just a book. A very small part in the over one thousand pages that novel contains. It’s a horror novel about a fucking space clown spider that’s been alive since the dawn of time for Christ sake. And all of it? Fiction.

If we’re only allowed to consume media that’s morally “pure” and right it’s rather bleak and boring and it also blinds us to what life truly is. Those things happen in real life every fucking day. It’s gory, it’s visceral, it’s pain, agony, selfish, and I could go on and on and on.

If people want to enjoy things in fiction that they would never engage with in real life? It hurts no one. I love Stephen Kings novels even though they can be gory and overly detailed. I’m not going to capture a dude from a car wreck and smash his legs with a sledge hammer to keep him locked in my house with me now am I? Fucking no, because I have a brain and I know right from wrong and I know what is socially and societally acceptable.

Game of Thrones is big on incest when it comes to the Targaryen family… as a lot of royal houses in real life engaged in real life incest to keep bloodlines pure. That’s not okay, but that shit did happen a long time ago. I’d even venture to say you probably have some ancestors that were maybe third cousins at best. The world was a lot smaller back then anyhow.

Your argument is also so woefully simplistic and easily refutable that I wonder if you just regurgitate talking points without really thinking about it before hand or if you’ve truly stopped to think about what you say… hard telling. So, you’d be of the belief that if people say… play violent video games that means they’re going to become a school shooter? If someone loves true crime or horror novels like myself… am I going to go out and murder people? No, because people are able to separate fiction from reality and what is acceptable and what is not… those of us who cannot are the ones that go out and ACTUALLY engage in those things and they aren’t good people.

I’m begging you to actually gain some media literacy before you go spouting off on the internet about topics you truly know nothing about. Incest is awful, horrible, and abusive.

Shipping a fictional ship like wincest? Hurts no one. Abuses no one. Is horrible to no one. No one needs this purity culture of yours and I beg you to learn. This younger generation seems hellbent on censoring themselves to the point that 1984 by George Orwell doesn’t seem that far fetched. Use the brain you were born with and don’t vomit up brain dead takes like this on the internet. Or do… because at the end of the day if you want to lock yourself into the puritanical box here and preach on your little tumblr soap box about how you’re so much better… have at. Life is going to be so hard and scary for you if you react to all the things bad and horrible like this. Life is full of these real life things and it is important to be reminded of that lest we forget.

Keep that shit out of the wincest tag though. It’s generally a very good rule of thumb to not directly be a shit bag in the tag. There’s an anti tag for that. Also, if you find something like that so abhorrent you seem hellbent to be engaging with it… which to me speaks volumes about yourself more than anything. If you don’t like something scroll, block, or hit the back button. Assholes like you on the internet are typically what make the internet insufferable.

Godspeed to you.

The entitlement from wincest shippers is actually bananas. Y’all. What made you think incest is normal???? Please get help 😭😭 I’m worried 😭😭

[admirableadmiranda]

I don't think LXC hated WWX either. But people argue he stopped him from confessing his love for LWJ at the temple. I think he might have been a little embarrassed by WWXs confession and that is why he said it.

Do you think he quietly shipped them in WWXs first life?

People have rather a lot to say about Lan Xichen at the guanyin temple, much of it at this point regurgitated nonsense that completely fails to understand what is going on there because he is currently fandom's favorite villain now that bashing Jiang Yanli has lost its flavor. I'm sure eventually they'll get bored once people realize that the Lan Xichen they're talking about does not actually exist and move onto someone else who apparently is not morally perfect enough for this somehow black and white victim vs villain story.

But enough salt. I am here to be a balanced blog which means I'm going to talk about what he likely feels based on the text we are given.

I do think he is somewhat mortified by Wei Wuxian screaming that he wanted to have sex with Lan Wangji, it is not exactly the sort of thing you can prepare yourself to hear. In addition, while I am all right making somewhat dirty jokes with my family and alluding to the fact that I have a sex life, talking about it frankly in front of people is rather further than I or they would want me to go, which is where Wei Wuxian is starting.

Also note that Wei Wuxian is not actually stopped, they just go in out of the rain, Jin Ling and Lan Xichen give them what privacy they can (people who want to insist that they're being homophobic here can go eat rotten eggs, they are all being held hostage in an open temple with nowhere to go, what else are they supposed to do to convey that Wangxian can have their moment to talk?) and then Wei Wuxian goes right back to telling Lan Wangji that he loves him.

As for your second question, do I think he quietly shipped them in the background? Also nope. He had no idea what was going on. No one did. He only found out when Lan Wangji turned his sword on his own clanmates to protect Wei Wuxian, when Lan Wangji no longer cared about anyone knowing and was willing to kill to keep Wei Wuxian alive.

There is a very strong belief in the fandom that someone must have known that Wangxian had feelings for each other in Wei Wuxian's first life. I see it given to Jiang Yanli, I see it given to Wen Qing, I see it given to Lan Xichen. I'm not sure where it comes from. Even in CQL where they are supposedly good friends in their first life, people still seem to think that they don't actually get along depending on the episode. It is a wholly fanon created thing.

I made a post once calling the juniors the first people to actually see Wangxian as a couple in the novel and my opinion will not budge on that. Everyone assumed something about their feelings that did not match with reality, one of the many themes of assumptions about people's relationships and characters not matching up with reality in the book. No one else knew earlier on that their feelings were reciprocated or in most cases even existed, no one quietly shipped them in the background. Were there no resurrection, Lan Wangji would have likely been assumed to be above relationships with no interests because the one person he ever wanted was dead and gone.

Lan Xichen was not being homophobic or trying to stop Wei Wuxian from confessing in the temple. He was also not shipping Wangxian. He was doing what he consistently does throughout the novel, trying to look out for his little brother, because above all else, he will always choose Lan Wangji first.

Thanks for the ask!

[pixla]

I think I've already asked, but I forgot, can you do a MadThomas hot? Well hot 🙈

Two fics in two days, never been heard of

Another chance

Mad Thomas x fem!reader

Summary: you and Thomas were childhood friends but drifted apart until the full moon party when he catches you on your way

Warnings: sex (outdoors), swearing, alcoholism, dick Thomas as usual, slight angst, angst to smut (feel free to tell me if there’s anymore)

Word count: 1.5k

You had known Thomas since you and your mother first settled into union, you, only a few years old. The two of you often found yourselves playing games in the grass behind the church or when you became older, playing in the river that neighboured the settlement within the woods.

It was only when he found comfort in ale and beer rather than you. The first time you found him drunken and collapsed on the floor was a few days after your 16th birthday. You were on your way home when you spotted a figure laying still on the ground beside the outhouses. Usually you would assume it to be someone like mr.Fier, but you knew well enough from the size of the man it was not him.

You nudged the shoulder of the man, rolling him onto his back. “Thomas?” You stepped back “what on heavens are you doing?”

The man stirred awake looking up at you through squinted eyes. “Y/N.. you look- you look pretty..” His words were slurred and almost inaudible.

“Thomas. Are you drunk?!” You furrowed your eyebrows looking down at him. “What would your father say! Get up. Now!” You demanded him.

Gripping the wood of the outhouse he tried to steady himself, his drink still in his hand. “Come here.” You sighed, taking his arm over your shoulder. “If anyone sees us, you're dead Thomas.” You whispered trying to lighten the mood.

“Why would that be so bad now?” He tilts his head closer to yours. “Don’t you know, people predict us to be wed.”

Did they really? You had never heard of this. Well of course you heard perhaps the small comment talking of your fondness or one another, but nothing near to the two of you getting married.

Thinking back to it, you probably shouldn’t have said what you had, but in that moment you felt as though you had nothing to lose. So what if he didn’t say what you had hoped, it wasn’t as though he would remember. “And what do you think about this?”

You felt your cheeks flush at the sound of your own words. “Hmm, wouldn’t you like to know, girl.” He leans in, his breath tickling against your neck.

“As if, Thomas-“

“Hey now, don’t be so defensive, if you really want me to be honest, it wouldn’t be my worst choice.”

The moment felt surreal, was this some kind of confession? Either way, there was nothing to stop how giddy you felt, apart from him regurgitating his drinks all over your shoes, that was sort of a mood killer.

—

Unfortunately, that wedding never came, and that drunken state never left.

Everyday walking through union you’d have to face that version of your future that never happened. “Now where are you off to, girl.” Tommy strode up to you, following beside you as you walked. “I’m off to give my mothers gifts to the millers, and you Thomas?” You avoided eye contact.

The man thought for a second. “Nowhere special. Besides, I’m surprised to see that you’ve not been wed yet, such a young and pretty face, put to such a waist.”

“Quit it Thomas.” You spat, quickening your pace as the man's words soon became cruel and condescending as they always did.

“Hey!” He yelled after you, but you gave him no attention back, reaching the miller's house.

—

The full moon party soon approached, only a few hours away, after nightfall. They happened every so often, but you were frilled every time. It was a night where there’s no elders, no union and no morals. It was a time where you were finally free.

Watching out your window, you waited for the sun to finally set and for your family to finally rest.

Finding the time to be appropriate, you dressed yourself with your cloak and fled.

The night spring air was cold to the skin, sending a shiver down your spine as you clutched your cloak tightly around your body.

“Now, where are you off to, girl?” A voice rang out from behind you. Turning, you found yourself face to face with none other than Thomas.

You furrowed your brow glaring at the man. “I could ask you the same thing.” You crossed your arms.

“Fair enough.” The man shrugged resting against the outhouse wall. You noticed the way he was acting was, well, normal. “You’re not drunk?”

He froze. “No..no I’m not, would you prefer me to be?”

Maybe his tone wasn’t just apparent when he was drunk. “I’m glad.” Your voice quietened, your tone more serious. “If only you’d stay like this.”

He scoffed, walking up to you. “Would that keep you happy?” His hand travelled up to your jaw, you not even thinking to stop him.

You felt as your body became hot from the smallest touch. “Yes.” You let out a breathy response.

You watched the moonlight trickle across his features. “Can I kiss you?” He whispered, giving you a small nod in response.

His lips were dry and chapped, but you couldn’t get enough, the feeling intoxicating. You jumped as you felt his hand run down you back, groping your lower half. “Thomas!” You pulled away. “You shouldn’t, we’re in public.”

“Since when has that ever been a problem for you?” Your hand went to slap him but he grabbed your wrist, holding it in the air. “Don’t act like I’m lying.”

“Curse you Thomas, curse you! You said you loved me, yet you left me! All you’ve ever done is hurt me Thomas!”

He paused, letting go of your wrist, a pained expression in his eyes. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Well you did.” You say bluntly, your eyes tearing up. “Do you get it now?”

He stepped back looking at you, the realisation of how much damage he really caused hitting him at the sight of tears rolling down your cheeks. His hand reached out to you only for you to step away. “Enough Thomas!” You reached your hand up, finally slapping him across the face, him accepting the act of violence.

Before you could tell again, he grabbed your wrist pulling you close to him, his lips hitting yours. You were angry, but you couldn’t resist. You channeled your frustration into him, kissing him messily.

“You’re insufferable.” You whined into the kiss as his hand reached up pulling your shirt undone. He smirked, his hand travelling down to grab your behind.

You gasped as you felt him pick you up, your legs wrapping around his waist as he slammed you against the back of the outhouse. You felt his hand ride up your thigh, his lips attaching to your neck, pressing not so gentle kisses along your collarbone.

“Thomas.” You breathed out as you felt his hand dive fully under your dress. With one hand, you too reached down, pulling at the man's waistband. “Thomas hurry.” You muttered the man releasing you to undo his belt, throwing it to the ground.

Undoing the button he hitched down his trousers. Eagerly, the man gripped your thigh lifting it, level to his hip. Reaching down, you took him in your hand, aligning him with your entrance. Following your advancement, the man used his spare hand to grab your hip, pushing into you slowly.

“Shit.” Thomas groaned at the sensation, furrowing his eyebrows. “Language.” You let out a breathy laugh. “I doubt those morals overpower the sin we are committing right now.” He lent in kidding you again. “I wish I could’ve given you everything you deserved.” He said in between slow gentle thrusts. “I ruined myself. I ruined you. And I’m so sorry.” He kisses along your jaw.

“Oh, Thomas.” You frowned, rubbing the man's neck. It was hard to forgive him. Everything he had done. It wasn’t something you could just leave in the past, but you were willing to give in for just that moment. “It’s..okay.”

He lifted his head. “I just want another chance.”

You probably shouldn’t have said it but it’s all you could bear to utter. “Okay.”

You felt as the man's pace quickened, his hips rutting against yours. “God Thomas, I’m close.” You whined into the crook of his neck, your nails clawing into his back. “I need it please.” You threw your head back, hitting it against the outhouse wall but all you could think about was Thomas and how he made you feel.

“Don’t worry, me too.” Thomas whispered into your ear placing gentle kisses down your neck as his thrusts hardened.

Rubbing circles into your clit, you felt as you reached your climax, your arms wrapped tightly around Thomas’ neck as you did so. You felt your thighs twitch as he pulled out, him readjusting his pants.

“Y/N”

“Yes?” You looked up, fixing your dress.

“I love you.”

You reached up, placing a small kiss on his lips. “Okay, thomas.”

[mrsgojosatoru]

The funny thing you are missing is Amber Heard is the abuser, she has repeatedly been violent and instigated fights. You can hear in the audio. There’s plenty of evidence. Even before she was with Depp of her violent streak. She also has some mental health issues that have been brought up. She needs to be taking medication for. It’s actually quite disrespectful for her to claim she’s a victim when she’s the one who’s been abusing and being physically violent with people. It’s all just very sad. She even mocked JD saying no one would believe him if he ever tried to come forward. She is only giving a bad rep and making it harder for those who actually go through these kinds of things. She’s been caught in a lie many many times. It’s very obvious that its premeditated.

And JFK is going to come back any day now and put Trump back in his rightful spot in the presidency.

I'm really sorry school has failed you so much that you fell for an online smear campaign without looking at any of the other evidence. You should work on your media literacy skills.

Amber did what is called reactive violence, this is not uncommon in abuse. Amber did not have the power to abuse her older, heterosexual, wealthy, famous husband. An expert witness just testified the other day about this. How much of the trial have you watched? Or are you just regurgitating an a smear campaign from Adam Waldman in my inbox?

Anyways her partner claimed that report was filled due to homophobia.

Amber was diagnosed with BPD and the defunct histrionic personality by a doctor wined and dined by Depp who talked to her for 12 hours. Other doctors have diagnosed her with PTSD and Battered Wife Syndrome. But I should stress even if Amber does have BPD to use that against her as a sign she is an abuser is gross and ableist.

That audio of her "mocking" D*pp is a clip taken out of context and passed around the internet as part of a smear campaign orchestrated by Adam Waldman. (Who btw has ties to Russians oligarchs who likely spread disinformation about the 2016 election.) The clip cuts off before she goes “Because you’re big, you’re bigger and you’re stronger. And so, when I say that I thought that you could kill me, that doesn’t mean you counter with you also lost your own finger. I’m not trying to attack you here. I’m just trying to point out the fact of why I said call 911. Because you had your hands on me after you threw a phone at my face. And it’s got crazy in the past, and I truly thought I need to stop this madness before I get hurt.” 

You're really going to tell me the pictures, witness testimony, videos of johnny breaking stuff, expert testimony on IPV, the fact that johnny just got caught in a lie about his finger yesterday, the misogynistic text messages, and the fact that a judge ruled in the UK that amber was abused all is just what? A lie?

For that to be true, Amber would have had to been plotting this and faking this since she started dating D*pp. Diary entries, emails, text messages, fake photos, getting people who aren't even her friends anymore to keep lying for her. For what? 7 million dollars? When she was entitled to over 30 million? Like what's the pay off? SO she could have people attacking her every single day, calling her a gold digger and a liar and amber turd, and a psychopath. Like what was the fucking benefit to do all that?

For Johnny to have abused her a man with a history of violence would just have to have used his power to abuse his much younger wife.

Amy Dunne isn't real, Harvey Weinstein is.

Anyways get better soon bestie, and brush up on your media literacy skills. Maybe stop getting all your news from tiktok memes. We've got an election coming up in 2 years and at this rate it'll be so easy for Trump to pull another misinformation campaign on ya'll. I mean that's who's pushing all these anti-amber heard stories on social media anyways.