#why do ifucking care

[fxnkiero]

one more character development and my character will develop to a villain fr

[bra1nw0rmz]

Hello!! A question for you, not in a offensive light at all but I wanna ask why you like pavlevi so much and how come it doesn't make you uncomfortable with the age gap? We don't know pavs age which is fair enough but.. You get my point! I still love em tho. Maybe I'm a bit conflicted

I’m so sorry but you made a fatal mistake of giving me an opportunity to yap about them ( but thank you for being very nice abt the question, it means a lot :3 )

Slight rant under more… tried my hardest to keep it short but I have so much to say abt these fuckass losers 😔

For the reasons why I like Pavlevi so much. It’s because they are my two favourite characters, I need to psychoanalyse them and make them trauma bond or I’ll DIE.

Levi has the solitary soul, he’s been alone for most of his life. What he seriously needs is connection. And I think most of the cast just can’t fundamentally understand him. (I’m not sure if I’m being biased and self projecting here because of my experiences being autistic but yeah 😭) And I genuinely think most of that cast would look at Levi with pity. Almost as if he can’t think for himself. And I think Levi hates it. It’s really a hard feeling to pin down, but it feels weirdly dehumanising?? Like say Karin or smth would mean well but it still feels like you’re being hang up to dry? And I think Levi fucking hates it when everyone is looking at him like that. And the pity ppl have for him comes from a place of being so disconnected from him. Most of them can’t really understand him or what he’s gone through I suppose?? It’s not their faults, it’s just how it is. Society has literally thrown him to wolves. His government striped him of his autonomy, has used him for it’s benefit and now it’s people look at him like this couldn’t have been avoided, that it’s something so sad, to be pitied. Which is also why I love pavlevi bc Pav is the only person that Levi can truely connect with. Someone else who’s gone through the same bullshit, torn apart by the same world. They are both cut from the same stone, just at different stages and coping in different ways which I think is interesting. And it’s so sad because why the hell does it have to be some Bremen fuck that actually treats him like a person and not just something to pity.

As for Pav’s side of the coin. I just really like to torture him. Due to what he’s gone through and seen, being in the army around the same age as Levi, if not younger. I feel like he’d see Levi as being fit to make his own damn decisions. It’s none of Pav’s business, Levi can do whatever and he honestly does not give a shit. But as they get closer I feel like I think Levi brings out all the guilt and shame Pav bottled up and pushed far down in his psyche. Like… he’s had to kill so many just like Levi, all to even get a chance at killing Kaiser. All of it being a glorified elaborate destructive suicide mission. And he’s very fucked up about it. Dread sets in for Pav because??? He’s a terrible person??? He’s had to wear this mask for so long, he doesn’t even know who he really is. Levi is just troubled and has been put in one unfair situation after another. Pav couldn’t move forward and purposely put himself in those situations and did those fucked up things. I also think it’s interesting to think of them as like an intimacy of convenience. Bc they both know they have no future and might die at any second, but it’s better to hold someone’s hand than be alone when you die.

Other tidbits!!

They are fucking funny, like c’mon getting bossed around by the enemy, and a LIEUTENANT on top of that, is fucking hilarious

I feel like you got this from the rant b4 but the Angst potential is crazyyyyy

Pav teasing Levi and making him all flustered, HELLOO??? I love blushy levi

Pav traversing caring for someone else that isn’t himself bc he’s fundamentally a self serving person gggghhh

IFUCKING LOVE DOOMED RELATIONSHIPS RAHHHHHHHHHHH

The way their heavily different personalities clash would be fun

Having someone there who's gone through what you've suffered through is so comforting. you're not alone anymore….. IM SICK IN THE HEAD

I think Levi should be allowed to kiss boys as a treat

I also think he should be allowed to shoot Pav in the head as a treat

As for the age gap.. I don’t like it at all ofc. 😭😭 It’s definitely not ideal. And I can 100% understand how that can be a deal breaker….. but I also feel like people baby Levi too much? He has 1 breakdown because he just got back from war, is going through heroin withdrawals, everyone in his home town has been turned into violent monsters, he’s hearing voices and someone just tried to kill him and he gets labeled a wimp. You put a guy in the worst situation ever and he cries ONCE and ppl call him a crybaby and infantilise him 💀 He’s stronger than people give him credit for… but that’s more of a problem with fandom than anything.

Also like… I tried….. I really tried to not like pavlevi….. But I’m way too fucking autistic abt them. It’s so bad that when I see them I get an adrenaline rush and do laps around my kitchen. I’m so serious. These guys are like pseudo drugs to me, I need to chop my head off.

And ofc I wouldn’t support 18 and 30 smth irl, that’s fucking gross……… And I would say the same for a stalker and her victim.. because look, I love S4marina, but it’s basically in the same boat as Pavlevi to me..

This being a fandom that should primarily be adults, I feel like ppl should understand that. Yk, having better common sense and media literacy to understand this stuff ain’t okay irl. I still realise it’s not everyone’s thing and I’m not trying to convince ppl to like it, just explain why I like it (NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THEM LIKE I DO, I NEED TO DIE)…. Anyway uuhm I understand it makes some ppl uncomfy, which is valid! Just don’t go into spaces where you’ll be exposed to it ig??? If you seriously don’t like it, the block button/blocking tags is right there. I do that too !!

[gayspock]

ehrm

you know thevery day self involved spiral rant etc etc here it comes. i odntknow. billionand one fucking messages of reinforcement that just dont help because none ever apply, all ever make me feel worse; most are usually insanely patronising as a result or just rub it in how littlethere is to live for cuz if therewas just one fucking thing mabye it wouldnt be like this. whatever and a bit.

i jsut feel so fucking emtpy. i dont fucking care about any of it. i dont know. at least somepeople have something they careabout. im alone. i dont know what to do. i dont have any interests. theres nothing ilike doing. theres nothing imgood at. even if idid try to survive what do ifucking spend my time doing. itjust all feels like a miserable fucking slog . nothings worth it. i feel fucking sick withmyslef all the time. i keep trying to find things. i just fucking tire myself out and get miserabel no matter the approach. i dont fucking know.

i think about dating apps andabout meeting new people. its likeidontknow how to talk about it any more. i feel so embarrassed. like itsnot just loneliness because im alone. but ialso know realisticlaly theres nothing for me to try and talkto people about . just basic questins like how do you spend your time. i dontfucking know. i just spend it trying to make it all fucking go away and i hate it. the onlyway i can fucking cope half the time is just trying to not think about it and thats the only fucking thing there is and idont rememberwhere any of the days have gone and ive spent so manyyears at this point in fucking limbo and i fucking resentevery second of it.

and theresalways fucking something. likesome corny fucker and im sorry for being mean but i cant fucking. ugh. like just let go~ just make ugly art~ just do things imPEErFeCtLy~andfeel it~ ^_^ ,. like dude i dont fucking feel anything ijsut fucking space out i cant connect with anyofit its like onehand in front of the fucking oteher i try to go out i reallyfucking do i try to dothings i fucking feel myself justmiserable there and just wanting to go homewhere no one can see me again ebcause ihate it and thatslike the fucking shameful thing its alwyas the like

yeah. yeah nobodylikes you because theres nothing to you. youre a fucking blank and emptyfucking husk of a person. why cant you just grow up and develop into something. i dontfucking know. i fucking hate all of it. im fucking miserable. im just fucking miserable and i thinkthats all i can be . and itsnot nice . its not nice. itsalways jsut sthut up stop being fucking miserable be better . likeyoudont think i treid that . i jsut burn out. i feel so fucking phony adn fake and sick iwth myself and i tfeel like everyone else can tell. i dontknow. i fuckinng wish i hadany fucking modicrum of fucking passion or lvoe or whatveer the fuck inmy body but i think im just a negative fucking space and its jsut draining and i hate living and its like i wish i coudl bepropeely like toxic or there as soemthing genuinely fucking rancid and its jsut fucking seepsinto everything and i cant conenct with anyhting and i jsut

you know like itsreally embarrassing and dumb actually like how areyou so uncultured howhave you not read this seen this watched this done thais hadthis whatveerhtis i force it down my throat somethingsomething try to bea fucking human for once i feel like im crying all the fucking time lets pretend i gaffff for some approvalthat never comesbecause i cant feel itmyself no matterhow hard i trryyyyy but what but what god i dontknow i fucking

its likestupid shit likeart. god i fucking hated drawing i fucking hated writing i fucking hated singing when iw as younger i fucking hated school i fucking hate sports i fucking hate spending time withpeople i fucking hate being alone i fucking hate eveyrthing every time ifucking do anything i just want to smash it up because i hate it i wish i fucking didnt i jsut fucking hate every fucking singel second of being fucking alive what is theretolive for why wouldyou want that why wuld you fucking bother and the only fucking solution peopleowuld ever suggest is. dont hate it. just dont. but thatshwat i do. i cantmake it stop i cant make it stop ifeel like im fucking running on fumes and fuckingjust forcing it so hard and everyones like HAHAHAHAAHAH JSUR FORCE IT! FORCE IT FO RUS! IT'LL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY!! YOU HAVENT DONE IT WNOUGH! YOU GAVENT FUCKING TRIED HARDENOUGH!!! and itdoesnt matteryoure alone and crying and fucking hateit even more in the end because its too fuckignhard to keep oding it and i cant i fucking cant care i cant fucking car eany more you do nothing but fucking zone out youexist in your own littlefucking world and try not to exist and nobodu would ever want that you dont want that is anyone crazzzzyyyyy i dont know why im alive i dont know why im alive so much i feel like itsjust never worth it its never been worht it imjsut desperate and uckign begging it for to notjust be this FUCKKK BROOOO LOL

[secret-vent-blog-ow]

I wrote a poem. I call it “Regret”.

I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifuckedup I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up do they hate me for it I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifuckedup I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifuckedup I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I am a fuck up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up why do I keep doing this I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up is there any hope for me I fucked up I fucked up will I be forgiven I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifucked upI fucked up I fucked up I fucked up will it end soon I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifuckedup I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifuckedup I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifuckedup I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifuckedup I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifuckedup I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up does anyone care I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifucked up I fucked when will help come for me up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up can I even change I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up Ifuckedup I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up how can I fix this. I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up

[lost-without-a-cause]

39

Why cant i do the things i want? I got no balls to put myself out there at all, it seems like i dont care but honestly its the only thing thats on my mind. Why cant i fucking find the courage to spit out the words of all my feelings. This self hatred is exceeding the acceptable boundaries. I find it astounding how much ifucking hate myself some times. I think the only way to unwind is through a blunt. But guess what, i smoke too much and my anxiety runs a fucking muck. I need to hit the mats. I feel its the only way i can truly relax. I need to smoke and roll, thats just seems like its my only vice. But the untold place of my true happiness lives through the touch of a woman. It seems like kind of an odd omen, cause i dont when and how to talk to em. When i think too much about it my anger boils up and theres no way around it. My dreams are foiled cause some how my subconscious is toiled in not letting myself find happiness. Its like i only seem to be comfortable when im stuck and smothered in some crappiness. But got damn its so hard to live with myself sometimes. Im emotionally worn out. All i can do is just cry

[fuckmessier16]

Okay, i can barely think now. Fuck anxiety.

I made that

I made that

What do i even want?

Fuck, this is so immature, im unable to deal with shit, i get uncomfortable and i dont know hoe tp act, ifucking dont know howbto act NORMAL, JUST LIKEBI WAS DOING until 3 days ago

I love him

Just be mature, be responsible With HIS FEELINGS TOo

Im feeling like i used to feel in the past, im feeling that........ Im so insecure with this, i wanna please but i dont really effort.

Okay

Fucking crisis

I wanna cry on bed and cut more

Lol

What the fuck

How this fucking happened so fast?

Jesus

Frog said

I DO LOVE YOU AND I DO WANNA BE WITH YOU, BUT NOT LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND

tTHIS IS NOT BAD, HE LOVES ME, WHY AM I AWKWARD? WHAT AM I INSECURE ABOUT? Damn

I would like to live with him, for real, to live years by his side so........ Fuck, the situation is so small.

But i need to take care of myself, BE BETTER RIGHT NOW and prove yourself you're able to deal with things and to be in a serious relationship, it's okay

I wanna cry

Prove yourself you're really better than that and dont hug this crisis, ok? Get better, you know how to do it, ok? You know

No self pity, no self harming, just be normal in your own pace, but focus on being normal please

[mycomori]

haven’t wanted to die this bad in a long time jjst daydreaming about getting hit by a car on the side of the road or falling and drowning in a lake like i hate my fucking brain and myself and i don’t know who i am i was so checked out this morning because i had another fight w my dad and everything is overwhelming me with feelings and now i’m in a situation o don’t know if i should be in and i don’t know what the fuck to do honestly it’s either i pay way more than i can afford and move into a house with best friends who are extreamly unreliable with money or i take my name off the lease last minute and basically say fuck you to my best friends while they’re having a tough time but at the same time this is already breaking me and i’m questions everything i don’t have the money to do allthis shit like cover my friend and she already owes me over $600...which eats at me and i beat myself up about even tho i know she needed the help i still blame myself for being stupid and so do my parents and trying to talk to them about it is always the same shit of “why don’t you tell us anything express your emotions stop keeping everything to yourself we want to help and listen!” and then when i do talk to them or express my emotions my dad is like wow uh fuck you for stressing me out with all your stupid bullshit you’re just making up worse to be dramaticeventho ifucking EXPLAINED to him multiple times how much morethis fucking is and he knows what’s going on w my friends rn w ch and her mom inthe hospital she’ll be homeless after she gets out and she doesn’t care she just wants to try and die again which i understand but also it’s killing ch and her little brother and with z and her mom she’s just the fucki g worst cunt ever and i hate that woman. i really don’t know what to do anymore and i don’t have anyone non bias i can talkto. i wanted to talk to mb but she’s w c rn sothats a no go. i really don’t know anymore. i really don’t. i just don’t wnat to do this anymore. i almost preferrotting alone in my room and the idea of smoking myself into oblivion than fucking continuing to try to live this fucking fucked the fuck up life

[lovelesstrainer]

All of them

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? uhhh no. messaged in general? sure 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? yeah3. Have you taken someones virginity? no..... ? 4. Is trust a big issue for you? yeha 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? nope 6. What are you excited for? fuckin iunno. 7. What happened tonight? I am sick and dying and almost finished rewatching Hemlock Grove 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? no i think its funny lmao 9. Is confidence cute? meh 10. What is the last beverage you had? uhhh tea i think 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? like 3 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? many 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? hopefully video games 14. What are you going to spend money on next? food prob tbh 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? pal the last person i kissed was sam. i gave her a lil head kiss. 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? sure 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Nick ez18. The last time you felt broken? fuckin last night or something. 19. Have you had sex today? nop20. Are you starting to realize anything? ifucking hate psych and wanna change my major lol 21. Are you in a good mood? eh 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? sure. eat me chop daddy- 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? idek 24. What do you want right this second? to get over my flu 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? w/e 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? LOL NO MY HAIR IS LIKE ROSE GOLD ATM27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? dont think so 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Swedish class 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? sure 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? depends 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? nah theyre aight32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? yea 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? nope 34. Listening to? uhhhhhhhhh Misery’s Crown by Dark Tranquility (10/10 recommend) 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? yeah always 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? yeah 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? nah 38. Who did you last call? uh grandma 39. Who was the last person you danced with? i dont dance so n/a 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? wakey wakey sammy i think41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? last year? 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? nope 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? always lol im a walking embarrassment 44. Do you tan in the nude? i dont tan 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? meh nah 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? yes and no . i said goodnight 47. Who was the last person to call you? uhhhh NIck I think? 48. Do you sing in the shower? nah 49. Do you dance in the car? y e s 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? mhm51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? grauation i think 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? yes but i love them 53. Is Christmas stressful? yes very 54. Ever eat a pierogi? mhm55. Favorite type of fruit pie? apple 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? mortician 57. Do you believe in ghosts? nah 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? mhm 59. Take a vitamin daily? nope, every now and then when i remember tho i take biotin suppliments 60. Wear slippers? nope 61. Wear a bath robe? nope 62. What do you wear to bed? tshirtand sweats 63. First concert? Hedley 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? walmart ig 65. Nike or Adidas? neither 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? both? 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanut 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? n/a 69. Ever take dance lessons? nope 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? nah 71. Can you curl your tongue? onope 72. Ever won a spelling bee? lol no 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? sure yeha 74. What is your favorite book? Necronomicon or Dracula 75. Do you study better with or without music? ieth 76. Regularly burn incense? sometimes 77. Ever been in love? mhm 78. Who would you like to see in concert? IN FLAMES SJDGLFSJHG79. What was the last concert you saw? Sabaton 80. Hot tea or cold tea? hot 81. Tea or coffee? tea82. Favorite type of cookie? white chocolate macadamia nut 83. Can you swim well? sure 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? mhm 85. Are you patient? meh depends on the situation, really 86. DJ or band, at a wedding? i dont care? 87. Ever won a contest? yeah - won a giveaway here in tumblr for a leauge skin 88. Ever have plastic surgery? nope 89. Which are better black or green olives? neither. im allergic to both 90. Opinions on sex before marriage? good? ok? no opinion? 91. Best room for a fireplace? living room? 92. Do you want to get married?  nah 

[bootlegmozart]

hesf ucking dead but why do i still care aobu thim lmao

ifucking hate this love shit. he’s dead

he’s been dead for months

theyr just stupid letters why am i bohtering reaidng them.

i alwys thingk that if i cared a little more he wouldn  beg oen and he promised he wouldnt die wihtout giving me ahug firs tand hes dead nd i cant marry him anymroe and m yplans are all ruined and im enver gona find someone lik ehim again.’

he was so wonderufl and good at evrything and i love him so much and i fukcing let him die and he’s gone forever.

why did yhou love me so much? wtf jake. its so rhad being happy for you but i cnadt be happy i can tdo anyting right im tsill alive becaus ui promised you and jacie and jaacie’s gonna die and gabby sgonna die and idont want nayone else to die i dont’ want my friends to die.

ifhtey die iw ill too.

[gayspock]

the whinger

ijust cant fucking cope with work. im sorry i just really fuckng cannot any more. but equally idont fucking have anything else or any chance fo going elsewhere and i have nothing to fucking fall back on and no one to fuckign help me throug h it and id ontknow. i dontknow. some shit. fucking round and a round and around you go and

empty platitutude #34209420830234 . or whatever. i odnt evenremember the ten billion ways people put it like ohhh oyu'll get through this. ^_^ thinkof allll thethings youve gotten through before^_^you'll get through it .andthen wha t. and then fucking what. do youever just. and thenfucking what none of that was fucking good none of that helped none of that is some corny fucking hroseshit thatjust made me stronge rijsut feel more sick with myself mroe tired more fucking . resnetful. i feel like itsjust forceyourself through fucking everything do fucking eveyrthing and for fuckingwhat at the end i jsut. just for fucking what because it s so utterly fucking meaningless and its jusut. youre sad youre sad youre tired youre burnt out nobody cares youre alone nobody cares so what then you carry thataway and nobody knew and nobody gave a shit and you carry that away into the nextufkcing thing to go through and theres ntohing at the end a nd im so tired and i jsut . one fucking moment one fucking thing where it f elt like it meant soemthing or it matrered or someone lsawm e btu icant fucking do itany mre. why do i fucking care. i kjust

i dontknow . embarrassinghours. ifucking want to die so badly every singleufcking day. thik about the better times. and what is it. i sitllwanted to die then i still hated it i still jut could dontohing but fucking sob and wait for it to be over . and thatswhen it wasgoodand that was as good as it ever got and evewn tha t i just. i dont know its so fucking cruel sometimes i ust wish there was a way to be out because why am i fucking alive i odnt fucking care how cunty and fucking childish it is isincerely fuckign dont it is not fucking fair that i just cannot be fucking dead it is not fucking fair that its that hard to fucking do it it is not fucking fiarthtat through all of this you cant even fucking say it right withoutpeoiple fucking chiming in with two faced bullshity lies like ohnoo dont say that we'd miss you you do not !!!! even know !!! i exist !! i DIE it has no IMPACT on you it hasd no impact on ANYBODY but ME and ME alone LKETS BE FUCKING HONEST LETS PLAY SERIOUS HERE WHY not. why CANT i be dead why cant therebe ways to do it fucking quickly do it fucking cleanly let me be fucking DEAD AND GONE properly i can t. FUCKING. oh my god ho my god oh my god !!! big smilei jsut

[gayspock]

o_0

theres always that insane fucking cycle i can cope with it i can talk to people im normal.... ummmm >starts to feel sick >starts to feel like im going crazy >starts to feel worse. something something cryiyng and im so alone all the time or im just in everybodys way and im angry andthats not fair on anyone and it makes it even worse. like everything fucking does .and i just want to feel a part of something or for someone to like me or just wish i was around like for real for real for itnot to feel like im justfucking insane because imfucking alone all the time 24/7 fucking nothing i dont have anyone totalk to ifeel like im fuckingcrazy i feel fucking not normal and like i dont exist and the only fucking interactioni get is fucking street harassment and ufcking being brushed off and i go home and i cry aboutit alone like ive done every fuckingday and i feel so fucking stupid and embarassed i rememberbeing so fucking young nad the same fucking thing just over and over again please pleaseit has to getfucking betterit has to be fucking okay some day and itnever is going to be i fucking keep getitng worse and i keep expecting someone to fucking care or fo rosmeone tofucking help mebecause i cant do anyhting myself any more ijust keep fucking feeling around at fucking rock bottom and finding new different ways to fucking self destruct and itsjust fucking constant over and over and idotnknow why i just feel like fucking so angry like why cant it just matterfor fucking once why cant it mean fucking anything why cant it justbe one fucking time ijust watch things and i see people and its just such a normal, given of everyones life and idontknwo whats wrong with me or why its so natural and people are like "oh nooo im lonely too"when they still just at least. fucking. HAVE. someone theyve talked to peopletheyve had conversations they see people regularly someone would NOTICE if they disappeared for days, week,months its to the point whee i dont feel fucking real and i just start crying becausewhen people do see me they just dontohing but laugh at me and i feel so fucking inhumanman and i wish it mattered ifucking wish i could just feellike im a partoflife for fucking once and not some fucking joke or whatever and i think about it i fucking do nothing but fucking spiral and hate myself andidont know what the ufcking point is when theres no difference if im here no difference if im gone and i jsut keep thinking about it like killyourself now then start crying because i dontwant to die alone but thats all there is and thats all there ever willbe and i dont know what to do i just go in my circles and even in the periods of fucking normaliy its fucking horrible its always fucking horrible i just fee fucking outcast i feel fucking nuts it makes it worse HELPPPPP ^^___^^^^ MY CRY FOR HELPPP MY CRY FOR HELP LOLLL IM KIDDING IM KIDDINGGGG EWWWW

[gayspock]

dont rb dont reply

slike what can you do i can fucking Run from it even more i can pretend like its Not A Thing but the reality of the fucking situation is a big old: Welp. like there’s really nothing i can fucking do and nowhere i can fucking go and who Cares i should just die but i never fucking do fucking. dumbass fucking Idiot dumbass me and i dont know man i dotn fucking kno m just. a joke i know im just a fucking joke and slike. who doesnt fucking th ink that???

man i dont know m fucking just sobbing and i keep fucking writing bi g fucking. rants stupid fucking rants like its gonna change anything like its going to Fucking Matter and i know it wont i know it wont but Bursting and i jssut. i odnt know what im just 

like m just Mad and upset and yknow when you just. Wish you werent a fucking joke. wish you were like... i dont even know if it ufkcing  makes sense. yknow when u just wish u were Equal to everyone else- you werent so fucking det ached, and you weren’t so. Inferior. slike man m jsut. sic k and fuck ing tired of eveyrone fuck ing rub bing in my face how fucking wor thless i am and slike. half the time they dont even fucking realise theyre doing it??? and i cant SSay anything because i know it doesnt matter i know ym fucking word is Zero i know it and i hear it in their fucking voice that they think everything that comes out my mouth is stupid fucking hors eshit. i hate it whne the people that “”Care”” think  im nothing but a delusional fucking wreck and dont even lis t en to a god damn fucking Thing tha t i ahev to say, because all my thoughts Ever fucking are to them  - everything that i am  - is complete and utt er fucking garbage nonsense because im stupid, and they know be tter and what does anyhting i fucking say even Mean because im so worthless. and i know im fuckin worthless because God Knows they aint fucking. treat me like i fucking am and im not saying i dont deserve it?? because i probably do. like if everyone acts like that then it isnt them thats he problem. im comfortable with the fact its me and my fault and i dont know but maybe im not because im so fuck ing upset all the fucking tiem about it and i cant just take it i have to be a brat and i have to fucking cry constantly about not being Enough about being so fuck ing small and pathetic and i dont know man ifucking

i wish i’d just kill myself i wish i Did all the fucking time or i wish i’d ran away before properly not just come crawling back when i was scared im a fucking idiot for thinkin there was anything back here and i know theres nothing anywhere but i dont fucking know i dont fucking know i’d love a fucking bullet in my skull right about know and slike man man man i jsut fucking so sick of jsut existng m so sick of jsut . being Here and tangible and having too Breathe and exist and on top of that m so sick of my self i just fucking want to strangle my self iGOD i jsut wanna hit myself so so fucking bad i feel fucking sick i wanna Vomit and yknow when ur just. gettng stressy and upset at your own fucking body just fucking feeling the MADDENING impulse to fucking rip it and chip away Bit by fuckig Bit because its horrible its ha Horrible thing to exist im fucking stupid im so so fucking . im so mad at everything that i am like yknow when youre just like- why cant you be something worthwhile for once why did you HAVE to be so fucking incomepetent so ntohing so fucking worthless, why is it that no mtter howw hward you try you fucking get nowhere and get nothing and no one fucking gives a shit REALLY not really youre an idiot and everyone can taste it and thats aaaalll you are [wwooooowowoowowoowowowoow] DARN my fuckign. like i fucking know i know i know mmjsut.    sssssssss