#why do i only have these problems when im here? at least it doesn't happen when im out

[newtness532]

making my life difficult because i dont like drinking water in the glasses i have here, i only like drinking water from bottles when it's been in the fridge but its too cold for that, i feel weird filling my cup with water from the faucet and drinking it immediately and ive gotten attached to the plastic cup and the jug i was using at home

[lunicho]

OK SO WHAT IF.. hanbin has lots of patience, as in ALOT. but one day, you decided to test it and get him pissed off by making him jealous, so of course, he punishes you! he turns mean & rough instead of the usual sweet, kind of mean dom he is 🤭 degrading & praise combined too!

im a firm believer that hanbin is very very stern. he has a lot of self control and he doesn't give in easily. i've given my friend like a full on comparison of how i think hanbin is as a dom vs jiwoong cuz in my mind they're complete opposites (lmk if y'all wanna hear what i think) but yeah like hanbin can keep his cool for sure. he doesn't give in to your tactics easily because if he tells you to wait or if he tells you to be patient then he expects u to respect that. usually he's able to laugh off your advances or he'll give u a warning and usually things like that help, they at least get u to settle down but if u just keep on pushing it he won't be able to keep it together. he doesn't play about the jealousy stuff, ur his baby and only his baby. he knows ur gorgeous so other guys looking at you or even throwing little flirts at u usually isn't a huge problem for him, he may say smth slick but it's usually not a big deal. but when you're the one showing off and flaunting it with other guys he's like??? it very quickly goes from "aww that's so cute" to him being very very unhappy with you. he'd for a second thing that you're just feeling yourself but when you go as far as to lean in close with another guy or even put your hand on the other guys chest or smth while u laugh,,, yeah he's not having it.

he'd stay back at first, watching you with the most stern look on his face. he's mad as hell and you know he is too, you could feel him burning a hole in the side of your head. when you walk back over to him he'd pretty much have a forever frown pasted on his face. what would really get him to the point of just being straight up mean is that you act dumb when you come back to him. you're asking him what's wrong knowing Exactly what the problem is. he wouldn't even be able to look at you, he'd just be like, "say bye, we're leaving." and he's dragging u out to the car. he's not gonna talk the entire car ride but his body language does enough talking. his hand would grip the steering wheel extra hard and his eyes would be dark and worst of all he would not be looking at you the entire time 😭

when u guys get in the house is when he finally talks. he'd let you take your shoes off, he'd let you place your purse on the hook, he'd hang up the keys and take his shoes off as well and then he'll just watch you. he'll watch how you fiddle, how you look so shameful all of a sudden and he'll just scoff. he'll tell you to get on the bed, his voice would be so stern, almost echoing off the walls as if he yelled at you. he'd tease u so much when u do things like this, he'd have no remorse for you. he'd lazily pull your clothes apart, probably tearing the material in the process. he'd mark you up so much too, you'd have those deep deep colored hickeys all over your body. he'd say things like, "show these to that guy you were talking to. what was so interesting about him anyways?" and he'll have you explain to him what you were talking to him about and he'd break you down to the point where you have to admit that you were just trying to get hanbin's attention. he'd laugh at you, pulling your legs apart slowly. he's mean in times like this, not giving in when you beg and definitely not when you cry, if anything when you're crying he gets even meaner. taunting you and calling you names, saying things like, "what happened to that little act earlier? isn't that why you're here now? wanted to act like a slut infront of other guys.. thought i taught you better than that." he has a crazy amount of stamina in times like this, his thrusts stay sharp and harsh, making you cum faster than you ever have before. he holds you down too, the way you squirm annoying him.

he'll only soften up at the end after you're completely fucked out, covered in his cum and yours, he'll kiss you gently, helping you get all cleaned up. he's the best at aftercare, no matter how mad he was before he'll be so so sweet and gentle and make sure you know you're loved by him <3

[dystychiphxbia]

☆ - Gym crush!

gn!reader

im just in my gym rat era so i had to do this...i didnt want this to be the first fic i publish but here we are...

v small nsfw mention in sae's part

characters; kunigami, sae, rin

Kunigami Rensuke;

pre-wc;

you meet at the gym, both relatively new to it

you learn together, always trying out new things

never ask for each other's number but still somehow end up at the gym at the same time

"what are you hitting today?" "it's leg day" "aw sucks to be you...jk i'll join you"

"need a spotter?"

he's definitely your gym crush and you always try to look extra good in front of him

trust me he's doing the same

always helps you rerack your weights!

gym bros till death do you apart

death or...blue lock.

post-wc;

kunigami just disappears for MONTHS and comes back like nothing happened

except now he wont even greet you

he completely ignores you when you ask him where he's been

you are motivated to show him your progress but you don't see him even glancing at you

"need a spotter" you would ask him, but he would simply say you are too weak

and looking at his weights, he's right

like damn how many plates is he squatting??

he would still save you if you failed a bench press though

"thanks...but i would've gotten it" "stop lying to urself"

maybe he warms up to you eventually...

i mean you never stopped going to the gym, it shows your resolve

and you didn't change at all, you still work as hard as ever and look so damn good while doing so.

Itoshi Rin;

he noticed how every sunday, you would run on the treadmill for at least an hour straight

how fast are u going??? he would always try to sneak a glance at your settings when he walks past

he would also do his warm ups on the treadmills, secretly cheering when only the one next to you is available

one sunday, you aren't there

he's actually...worried? you are there every single sunday, so why not now?

he's so relieved to see you there the sunday after that, maybe you were just sick

the thing is, he doesn't see you on any other days. he's hoping it's just cause you go at a different time, and not because you only go on sundays...

nah you have too much muscle for you to only go to gym once a week to run

but he wont change his workout times just for some person he sees once a week at the gym...until he does.

he starts going a bit earlier and later, hoping to catch at least a glimpse of you

it takes a while but he's finally there at the same time as you

you notice him, "i havent seen you here at this time before"

he's flustered, you've actually noticed him and are now talking to him???

"yeah, just changing things up a bit." he just wanted to see u!!

u always ask him to spot you and he just cant say no

one time you almost got crushed under the bar because he was busy admiring your face

yeah...he definitely has a crush on you!! but will he ever take it a step further...probably not. have you noticed...? of course you have, that's exactly why you always ask him.

Itoshi Sae;

this guy has been watching you squat since day 1

eyes glued to your ass, maybe it wasn't so impressive in the beginning but it definitely is now

he makes sure to always be at the gym when it's your squat day

of course you've noticed...you make sure to wear those gym pants that make your ass look so good!!

sometimes he stares for too long, suddenly realizing that he's just been sitting for 10 minutes

one day you come up to him, saying that you are gonna attempt a pr and need a spotter

jesus christ he almost choked on his drink

"sure." staying as cool as ever.

but watching your ass from so close almost stirs up a problem in his pants

"good job." he'll say to you afterwards, walking off.

you are kind of disappointed, he's always looking at you and that's all you get??

but no worries he'll be thinking of that sight for a while!!

slowly adjusts his schedule so that he's always coming on the same days as you

makes sure that only he spots you

also makes sure that no one else glances your way when you are squatting

cause you are HIS gym crush, not anyone else's

one day he finally gets the courage to actually talk to you

he's surprised when you call him by his name but then he remembers that he's basically a celebrity

you introduce yourself, and he's so close to asking you out on the spot

"i've seen you play on the tv, you are so good! i'd love to learn to play!"

Perfect.

he asks u to come with him to the field after your workout for lesson number one

about damn time, you think

playing football after a leg workout wasn't the easiest but maybe sae made it a bit easier for you to manage

[thequietkid-moonie]

Finding S/O's suicide letter

[ SCENARIO ] [ Shuichi, Rantaro, Kaito ]

[ Danganronpa V3 Killing Harmony ]

⚠️ Depression, mention of suicide attempt

I remember that some time ago I had read an story like this and I immediatly loved the idea! It helped me a lot in that moment!

I already had thought about this and I reached the conclusion that if i ever do try to end my life I won't really leave a letter, there is just on person I will want to say goodbye (maybe say something here, but im not sure)

Sumary: You have been feeling down lately (worst than normally) so you decided to write your last letter, having it ready in case you can't handle it anymore or maybe just to vent, you hide it but your partner end up finding it by accident

Shuichi Saihara

Shuichi is really caring and observant, specially towards you, the person he loves the most, he can't help but being looking after your well-being so is probably that he already noticed hints that you weren't feeling good, that you are feeling down even if you try to hide it but he doesn't want to asume, he thought to himself about talking about it to you later

Shuichi respect your privacy a lot, it isn't common for him to just go and look between your belongings so if he is doing it is because he has a really good reason, maybe he need something that you have (and is probably that he already at least send you a text asking for your permission)

Finding the letter was a total accident, Shuichi find it by casuality while looking for what he needs or it slips from your things and he need to put it where it was, he didn't mean to read it but something about it made him have a bad feeling, maybe it was write in a messy way or it was for how long it was, or maybe just his worries for you for the past days, whatever the reason was he decided to open the letter and read it anxiously

It doesn't matter if the letter is long or short, by the first lines he will completely understand what is this about, Shuichi is completely heartbroken by this, he doesn't want for you to feel this bad, he doesn't want you to feel like death is a better option than continue trying, Shuichi is on the verge of tears and almost having an anxiety attack just by thinking in all of this, scared of what made you think this and more for what could happen to you

Shuichi force himself to calm down, at least enough to be able to call you for the phone, Shuichi tells himself that you are alright, that if you really were about to do it you would let the letter somewhere he or someone else could find it, not hide it between your belongings, still he needs to heard your voice, he need to make sure you are alright. When you finally pick up your phone and he is able to heard your voice Shuichi can finally calm down, like if a great weight would have been lifted from his shoulders, he tries to come up with a excuse and just tell you that he want to see you soon, not wanting to sound worried or anxious because he doesn't want to worry you

Shuichi will confront you almost immediatly but until you two see each other again, in the meantime he will going back and forth thinking in how he could approach this topic and trying to calm down, he can't let himself break down when he need to help you

When you finally meet again Shuichi has a serious expression, he can't help but be worried and he thinks it would be better if he is direct (at least a little), he makes sure that you two are in private, where you two can talk without problem and comfortable, and even before telling you about the letter he makes sure to tell you that he isn't mad at you or anything, he is just really worried

Shuichi start by telling you how it happened, how it actually was an accident that he found it before asking you why you wrote that letter and if you had really thought on ending with your life. Shuichi tries to stay calm because he wants to only focus on you, he wants for you to feel free to vent with him, he want for you to be able to express all what are you feeling but the more you talk about it the more he feels heartbroken and it reach a point where he can't hold back his tears anymore

Is okay if you start crying, Shuichi rather prefer this than you bottle it all, he can spend the rest of the day holding you and comforting you if that is what takes for you to feel a little better, Shuichi doesn't judge for what you feel but ask you to please go to him when you are feeling down, maybe he can't promise you a bright future but he swears to don't leave you alone

He won't suggest searching for profesional help until both of you are more calm, Shuichi is willing to beg you if you don't seem to want to search for help and promise to be by your side in every step, he will never leave you alone. As well he will ask for help to his friends not just about what to do but to show support to you too, he will be hesitant to tell them what happened if you don't want to, but at the end he will tell them (probably only to Kaito and Maki, since he knows he can trust them that they won't tell anyone else or judge you)

Shuichi will be keeping a close eye on you, paying a lot of attention to you behavior because he is afraid that you will do something to harm yourself, it isn't like he doesn't trust you is just that he is terrified of the idea of losing you. As well Shuichi will let aside his shyness just to show how much you mean to him by actions and words, either hugging you and kissing you more often or directly telling you that he love you and that you matter to him

Rantaro Amami

Rantaro is always caring and affectionate towards you, he has no problem with expressing his love for you and, if you let him, he will always have at least one of his hands on you, touching you softly and lovingly. Rantaro is mostly calm and carefree but he is constantly looking after your well-being and he shows his worried on indirect ways most of the time, when he notice that you feel down he notice it almost imediatly and remember you that you have him by your side, you aren't alone

Rantaro isn't the type to just go and see through your belongings for no reason, it has to be because he needs/want something that is between your things or maybe he is just curious or worried for something, he makes sure to send you a text to tell you what he is going to do (ultimately he will apologize later if is something you don't like)

Rantaro come across the letter because it falls from your things or he find it and gets curious over it, Rantaro doesn't want to invade your privacy so the only reason of why he end up reading the letter is because he gets a really bad feeling over it or that he can see the content of the letter (or even just part of it), he doesn't exactly feel the right of doing it so he mentally tell himself to apologize to you later before starting to read the letter

It doesn't take him long before understanding what is about that letter and yet he can't apart his eyes from the letter, he doesn't want to, he want to finish to read the letter like if that would be a reasurance that this is actually real, that you had wrote it. When he finish it Rantaro takes a moment before cover his face in frustration and don't let the letter, he feels like he lose the strength of his legs and is about to fall anytime soon, he is trying really hard to calm himself down and don't get into a panic state, repeating to himself that you are still alive, if you were about to do it he would notice more hints and the letter won't be hidden

Rantaro knew you were feeling bad but he didn't though that you feel so bad that you would prefer to die and he feel frustrated for it, he should have noticed before, did he could have help you more? for how long you have been feeling like this? what would happen to you if he doesn't act soon? The thoughts of you suffering this much are bothering him and make him feel more frustrated with himself

Rantaro loves you with all his heart and wants the best for you, he knows that he can't protect you from sadness but this is so much deep, he doesn't want you to try to harm you, let alone kill yourself, he had already lost all his sisters he doesn't want to lose you too. Rantaro plans to confront you about this as soon as posible

Rantaro tries to contact you by your phone, either by text or a call, and tries to sound as calm as posible while telling you that he wants to see you, there is something he wants to talk with you, promising is nothing bad, he keeps to himself the letter so he can show it when you two talk. Rantaro makes y sure to greet you calmly and with a smile before asking you to sit down with him for a moment and finally show you the letter, he explain that he had found it out for accident but he had read it

Rantaro main is to let you vent about what it has been troubling you, about all are you feeling, all those thoughts and feelings that lead you to think on death as a posibility, and he express you that with a calm and comforting voice, he is heartbroken for all of this but right now you are more important and he will focus all his attention on helping you at the best of his habilities

Rantaro wants to hold you as you vent, is calming for him keeping you close while quietly comforting you as you vent, petting your head or caressing you back comfortingly, Rantaro doesn't say more than little hums to leave clear that he is listening or answering what you ask him, he talks until you are done and then he express how scare he was when he found the letter, how important you are to him and how he doesn't want to lose you, how he will be totally heartbroken if you go that way and that he will miss you every day of the rest of his life, and is until then, when he is expressing himself that tears start to fall from his eyes

Rantaro promise that he isn't mad at you or anything, just worried, he also ask you to please search for profesional help because that person will be able to help you more than he can and promise to don't let you alone, he will never leave you alone, he will be by your side in every step of the way

Rantaro will make sure to remember you more often how much he loves you and how important you are to him from now on

He won't tell the others about what happened with details and just say that you had some troubles if you prefer to keep it as a secret, but from his side he will talk to your friends, asking for support for you (specially if you still have problems to ask others for help)

Kaito Momota

Kaito is pretty friendly and goofy, even a little idiotic sometimes, people can think that he doesn't usually take things seriously but he actually does, Kaito is more perseptive than he let see, whenever you are feeling more down he will notice it but doesn't say anything right away, he prefer to approach to you to try to cheer you up and remember you that you have Kaito Momota, luminary of the stars by your side, ready to support you and help you with everything before making clear that he had noticed your change in behavior (he probably already have an idea of why)

Kaito respect your personal space and time but he is kinda clingy and really affectionate so he doesn't have much problem with entering in you personal space. If Kaito looks through your belongings is because he needs something that he can't find yet, so it may be in your things (he isn't going to look on your things with malicious intentions, never, he trust you enough to even think that you share your secrets and important things with him)

Finding the letter was an accident, maybe it fall from the things he was searching on or he come across the letter, even if he were curious about the letter he won't dare to read it just because he wants to, so for him to read it is because the letter somehow seem suspicious or because he can see the content of it

He doesn't need to read complete the letter to fully understand what it is about, Kaito doesn't even finish to read it when he was already in his way to find you, he runs to search for you almost immediatly with your letter in hand, leaving your things thrown away, not having time to worry about that. Just by reading the letter he was worried but Kaito grows more and more desperate when he doesn't find you, he is frustrated to himself for not noticing that you were feeling THAT bad before and frustrated at you for not telling him nothing about this and thinking that death is the solution

When Kaito finally finds you he is immediatly storming towards you, for his expression he seems angry and he doesn't stop telling you things like how could you think on something so stupid like that! you can't just give up like that! and asking you why the hell you didn't tell him anything! For Kaito doesn't matter if there are people around or not you are more important, he doesn't stop until he finally reach you and when he does he just shut up and hug you, he hugs you as tight as he can, he doesn't say anything, not even if you ask him, he is shaking out of frustration and fear, right now he just need to feel you in his arms, he needs to make sure you are still here

It doesn't take him long for him to calm down, separating from the embrace he shows you the letter asking for an explanation, you to go somewhere you can talk calmly and before start explaining about the letter, Kaito apologize for how he acted moments ago, is just that he was so scare that you would actually do something to end your life

Kaito let you vent about how are you feeling but is constantly interrupting you by saying that you don't have to hide all of this from him, if you have problems you can go to him, he will never be bothered when you need help with something, even with the smallest and silliest things (you are his sidekick so you had to rely more in him too!), as well he insist that life is something very precious and you can just throw it away like that! If you feel like you can't continue anymore you can rely on him and in your friends!

After this incident Kaito will make you train with him, Shuichi and Maki with the excuse of become stronger, and he isn't going to take a no as response, also he will ask you to please search profesional help, he help you at the best of his habilities but a profesional will be able to help you more than him. Kaito won't force you to tell your friends about what you planned to do or the letter but ask you to please rely more on them, he is sure that all of them are willing to help you

[gojot-t]

also 👉👈

can i make another order for being locked together with kageyama? (again, its completely all right if not!)

id love to have “Is this okay?” “Yeah, that— that’s okay. Please— keep going.” for the topping

(im sorry for all the bothering, you dont have to do these if you dont want to)

from the valentine's day event! ⊹ ࣪ ˖

kageyama + being locked together + “Is this okay?” “Yeah, that— that’s okay. Please— keep going.”

cw/tags: tanaka and noya being questionable wingmans, gn!neutral reader and making out :o

If someone said to you 30 min ago that you would be locked together in the small, small broom room with Kageyama, you would laugh in their faces. But it seems that life has a funny way of working because that's the exact situation you find yourself in.

See, you're not some kind of genius or clairvoyant to know why things happen, but if Noya and Tanaka’s malicious laugh that you managed to hear before a body was basically thrown against yours and everything went dark would serve as a clue, then you think you have an idea.

“Hm… S-so...” Oh yes. The main problem at the moment. For more than one reason, actually.

"Don't worry, Kageyama-san. I'm sure that someone sooner or later will get us out of here... hahah... I hope…” It's not like you thought this was the worst situation in the world, on the contrary, you slept imagining your dear freshman, who you may or may not have a crush on, doing the famous kabedon on you at least three nights, the only difference is that well... not in the tiny broom closet.

Oh, here's another hint as to why this may happe- “S-Senpai... Please stop moving so much.."

“Ah! Sorry, Kageyama-san!” You try to make your body more upright, but you only end up headbutting his chin. “S-Sorry!!" You squirm even more, and his hand, which was on the side of your head, moves to squeeze your waist. You don't know if this is the heaven's blessing or punishing you.

“Ahg… Senpai!” He kind of made a weird sound now... When you look at him, the sliver of light passing through the door illuminates his face so red that you worry. Ignoring how handsome he looks at this angle, you focus on desperately cursing the two idiots who put you in this situation in the first place. If before you thought he hated you, now you are sure.

You've never been close to the youngest, even though he's never left your mind since he saved you from getting hit in the face in front of the entire volleyball team, you're sure he doesn't feel the same. Every time you tried to talk to him about something, he would just stare at you with a red face before walking away.

It must be because of your feelings, he probably feels uncomfortable being around you. You were sure you're discreet, but apparently it was pretty obvious, if even the two goofballs found out even though you never talked to them about it.

"Sorry, Kageyama-san... You must be hating this.”

“E-Eh? No! Ah- I mean, no… I just never did this before…” He takes a deep breath and looks at you before continuing to speak. "Look, I have been trying to tell you this… That… I really-”

“It’s fine, Kageyama-san, I get it. You hate me, right? It's totally fine, you don't have to force yourself to-”

“W-what?? No! Just listen to me a bit-”

“It's okay! Really! Totally fine and-”

You're interrupted by him holding your face firmly in his hands, eyes looking so serious and desperate that you don't have the courage to say anything else. Wait... His face has always been so close to yours?!

“I've been trying to tell you this…” His lips whisper just above yours, eyes fixed on you as if asking for permission. There's only a second of silence where neither of you move before your lips meet his at the same time.

Like a moment of epiphany, your body seems to fly and the only thing holding you to the ground is his hands on your body. Even if the kiss was a mess of teeth and tongue, you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. His hand on your face moves back to your waist and hugs you closer to him.

You wrap your arms around his neck and end up accidentally biting his lip slightly. “Ahg, Senpai…”

“Tobio..." You only pull away when you're completely out of breath. You stare at each other for a moment with wide eyes before kissing again. The movements that were once desperate and frantic are now slow and steady, trying to hold on to every second of the moment.

You part with his lips and move to his neck, giving it a light kiss before lightly grazing your teeth against the skin there.

“Tobio… Is this okay?”

“Yeah, that— that’s okay. Please— keep going.”

You knew that when you got home, you would scream into your pillow thinking about where you got the courage to do this, but at the moment, your mind could only think about him, his lips, his touch.

Your lips suck at the skin just enough to form a shy red, and your tongue soothes the irritated skin when you pull away.

When you lift your face to kiss him again, the door is suddenly opened.

“RIGHT!! the two lovebirds had their time~ ARGHH! What is this vulgar scene?!?!! Noya-san, close your eyes!!”

You really feel like killing these two.

a/n: don't worry anon, you could never bother! actually, I had a lot of fun writing this, even though it was my first time writing a kissing scene. I hope I did well. I hope you liked it! ♡ btw, im working on your tsukishima order too^^

[ryuseiired]

mahiru. 12.

im expecting this to be an answer that requires a read more. go, autism boy, go. talk about mahiru and all the ways people sleep on her character

I LOVE YOU. YOU KNOW ME SO WELL. right. yeah here we go. i Do have thoughts. on this one.

12. what do you wish would be discussed more often about them in the fandom?

ok. well first off. i think we should just talk about mahiru more in general because i love her. but here is my biggest thought on What Exactly Some People, Especially Not On Milgramblr, Are Sleeping On About Mahiru: there's a lot of talk about her murder case, and that's great, but... i think a lot of the things that really draw me to her as a character and to her case tend to slip by people on account of the way milgram likes to- as kazui shows us in cat- keep it simple, victim and perpetrator. but i think trying to understand her better also gives a better understanding of where exactly things did go wrong in the relationship that put her in milgram.

the rest of this answer where i elaborate more will, in fact, be under a cut because you are right that i have an essay locked and loaded on this and actually this turned into a mahiru analysis/theory post by accident i meant to answer mostly normally but unfortunately i'm not normal about mahiru shiina.

let's talk about this is how to be in love with you. can we talk about this is how to be in love with you? i'm dying to talk about this is how to be in love with you. and god, its english name is a mouthful, i understand why some people just go with calling it ai nan desu yo.

obviously (hopefully) we all know mahiru getting guilty voted over this mv was absolutely fucked and unfair. i'm still mad about it. especially because i think that if you look at this is how to be in love with you (and her interrogation questions from its trial) in particular (as well as some other stuff), it says a lot about mahiru as a person, and in turn about her crime.

it's easy to miss underneath how friendly and cheerful she is with the other prisoners, how she seems like such a social butterfly, but... i don't think mahiru actually had a lot of connections other than her boyfriend, and i think this is a big factor in what happened with him. mahiru... seems lonely. like her life is... very empty. and i don't see people focus in on this fact a lot, despite how her first trial voicelines even say as much:

there's nothing left without him, and at least if she's here she can talk to es and the other prisoners. mahiru's interrogation questions paint a picture of someone who doesn't really have a lot in their life. when asked in t1's interrogation if there's someone she can confide in, mahiru's answer is the lady who works at the beauty parlor she goes to. this doesn't seem like the answer of someone who has close friends to talk to instead, at least to me. like. that's not... you'd think if she had friends she felt she could talk to, she'd have mentioned that here, right? that'd be the place to mention any close friends?

in this is how to be in love with you we see her spending days off at cafes alone, and she tells us about having hobbies that are generally solitary, we see her reading in the mv and interrogation reveals that prior to milgram her hobby was watching dramas. she tells us in interrogation that growing up, she was a sheltered girl. she also appears (taken from this is how to be in love with you) to have recently arrived in tokyo, meaning she may not know a lot of people there and has probably moved away from most of her family (though she does mention attending a relative's wedding).

i think part of the problem is that when mahiru meets her boyfriend... she doesn't appear to have much in the way of anyone else. mahiru is social, mahiru loves talking to people, mahiru doesn't really know how to act without copying others... and her boyfriend is the only person she's close with. she appears to be relying on him for almost all of her social connection.

as i just mentioned, she also has the habit of copying others, incessantly. the infamous "i'd smoke if my lover did too" interrogation answer, and again, the text in this is how to be in love with you...

(transcriptions into english from here!)

see the things that jump out here? "even though i'm just copying everyone else in everything. is that the right thing to be doing?", "i thought to buy the same bread he did", "i wasn't really thinking when i blurted out "me too", so now we run together". you can see this in the lyrics too. "i'm going to start relying on you if you're kind to me, so please forgive me!"

i think these are key traits in why her relationship went the way it did. i don't think mahiru is uniquely "toxic" or too needy/clingy in a way that means she can never have a relationship (and god, don't get me started on how i've seen people say this). i think she's obviously a highly social person, and was in a situation where she was relying on one person (assumedly with lower social needs than her) to fulfill all of her need for that. i think she's horribly anxious about losing that connection and having to be alone again, and she doesn't know how to deal with it other than to constantly (and annoyingly, disruptively) ask for reassurance. i think she bases herself on others and ignores her own desires in order to imitate them and/or do what they want, and if her boyfriend also didn't have a particularly strong sense of identity and/or also wasn't the type to stand up for himself, it would be really easy to get sucked into this horrible loop where you're both trying to copy and please each other and now you're both constantly putting aside what you actually like for the other person and neither of you are happy.

except mahiru is happy, or... she thinks she is, because she's happy to give herself up for love. she says as much herself: "we fought sometimes, i was happy to get hurt." but... there's something else in the lyrics, isn't there? "i pretended to be a good girl, i don't want to be "ok"". my take is that mahiru isn't getting what she wants/needs out of the relationship, and knows it on some level. but she isn't going to leave him, either, because she's decided this is true love and also if she did that she'd be alone again. so she hopes something will just change instead, or convinces herself that she is satisfied. but she's not. near the opening of this is how to be in love with you: "i guess we can just say that this feeling is happiness, i can't stop feeling like there's something missing." so she keeps pushing, she keeps trying, and... well. we know how that ends.

so after all this rambling, what's my point, exactly? i don't think either mahiru OR her boyfriend were any sort of perpetrator. nor were either of them a victim. i don't think the relationship fits neatly into that framework, even though milgram judged mahiru a murderer and her boyfriend to be her victim. i think there's a reading that doesn't need any of that: two people who seemed to get along well and have similar interests who got into a relationship, and who were actually incompatible in their deeper needs in a relationship. mahiru clings to this relationship despite this, because she needs it. because she can't be alone again. because having a boyfriend who fails to fulfill what she wants/needs is better than having nothing.

neither of them are bad people, nor (from what we can see and from my opinion on it) did either of them do anything particularly wrong. what makes the most sense to me is a competing access needs sort of situation. mahiru needs reassurance and a lot of attention/interaction (especially from a romantic partner, something she idolizes having because of how special you're supposed to be to each other!), while her boyfriend needs more space than what she's giving him... but mahiru, at least, definitely doesn't want to break up. so eventually, they end up in a situation where he feels there's only one way out.

i think this lens can be supported by what we see in i love you, too! note lyrics like "this can't go on, something's got to give", "why won't you just accept me", "mon-mon-monstrous, cuz i love you so much". and...

here's something else she says in i love you: "i don't need anyone else, as long as i have you." but the truth is... mahiru does need other people. the truth is that one person can't fix the underlying issue that mahiru is desperately lonely and has very few connections in her life. the truth is that it's incredibly unfair to rely on one person to fulfill all of your needs and to desperately insist upon staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone, and mahiru realizes this too late.

so. um. i've never really seen anyone else talk in too much detail about an interpretation of the character/situation like this. i see a lot of "they were both toxic" but i think that's a kind of weak simplification of it, you know? what is "toxic". it's bad, obviously. do we think they're bad people doing bad things, or just that the relationship was bad? is that "toxicity" inherent to them as people, or could things have gone better in a different relationship? are they both "toxic" or are they just both stuck in an incompatible relationship where neither of them are wrong but they are unable to meet each others' needs?

i don't know. it's 4am and i've been writing this for two hours and i'm honestly not sure if it's coherent or not. but to end this here's another footnote of something i cant stand people sleeping on about mahiru: she is so stupid forgiving of literally everything and it kind of kills me and i dont really see anyone else point this out as being a bad thing that could get her really hurt. like. she forgives kotoko for almost killing her and says she doesn't resent anyone for anything. she puts up with anything, as seen by what i mentioned about her desire to stay in the relationship with her boyfriend even though it was obviously not giving her what she needed and it was hurting her too! i think if mahiru had ended up in a relationship with a different guy, it would be entirely possible for her to be in an abusive relationship and refuse to leave it because of this particular tendency. and i don't see this mentioned much. probably because, again... mahiru's framed as a perpetrator. she killed her boyfriend, right? so obviously she's not the one who'd be hurt in a relationship.

ok. i'm done now i promise i am so done with this for real. um. if you read this whole thing thank you. i'm sorry it's so long or if it's incoherent in places. i just have a lot of thoughts about mahiru shiina

[xjulixred45x]

OKAY! I HAVE SUCCUMBED TO THE VOICES OF MY LATEST HYPERFIXATION: LEGO MONKEY KID! UNTIL I SATISFY THEM I WON'T BE ABLE TO WORK ON ANY REQUEST! Get ready for the most absurd rants you've ever heard about Jttw, lmk AND EPIC THE MUSICAL! YOU ARE WARNED!

I find it somewhat funny how the vast majority of adaptations of Sun Wukong leave out that the Monkey King HAD A WIFE. a fucking wife that he KIDNAPPED AND FORCED TO BECOME HIS BRIDE.

She literally appears singing about this :'D before Nezha and his father rescue her.

and while I was learning about this, I couldn't help but think about the songs from Calypso, from Epic: the Musical (another recent hyperfixation) and in some way relate it to Monkey Kid.

after all, LMK's Wukong knows that the things he did when he was young were QUESTIONABLE to say the least (he literally said it) and that he regrets many things, and I wondered what his dynamic would have been like in that case with Jiaozi (his "wife ").

and that is precisely why I relate it to Love in Paradise in a certain way.

Like, we know that this Wukong definitely had good intentions, which were initially driven by good reasons, but which became more and more selfish, so here perhaps he could have brought Jiaozi to Flower Fruit Mountain as a direct response to 1- monkey logic + 2- after his trip to the west he needed a way to deal with loneliness and 3- demonic courtship is WILD.

Anyway, I can see this more (ONLY IN LMK) as a response to mourning and handling loss (the Brotherhood? Macaque? is up to your interpretation) and that he really doesn't know how to manage/communicate his emotions in a healthy way.

Imagine being Jiaozi, being taken from your comfortable princess life overnight, waking up in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE with a monkey man who is too... friendly to be a kidnapper?

Like, lmk's Wukong acts just like Calypso, with a lot of familiarity, his normal confident post-trip to the West self, explains the situation to Jiaozi (but in a much friendlier way than it really is) and she's like "uh HELL NO" but there really isn't much to do against the literal Monkey King, THE SAGE, THE EQUAL TO HEAVEN, and poor Jiaozi is having a full-blown crisis while Wukong doesn't understand why she's so distraught, don't she understand him? They have everything they want and need in the mountains!

Ironically other texts also described Wukong as a "spoiling husband who gave a lot of clothes/food/things to his wife" and that was probably the route he took after the beginning, Wukong has a lot of trash, but he was more than willing to share with Jiaozi as long as she was happy, that she wanted him back...love him Back.

He JUST doesn't understand the seriousness of the matter that KIDNAPPING YOUR SPOUSE REALLY IS...until Nezha and His Father come along.

Now, I don't think Wukong is stupid even before that happens, he would see Jiaozi's clear anguish, her sadness, the desire to return to her old life with her family, and although he consoles her and such, he is having a crisis, This is supposed to be normal, right? So why does he feel so bad when he sees her so distressed?

The glass fills slowly but surely.

I don't think he was a bad husband Per se, like I said, he was very pampering and such (maybe even Jiaozi sees him in a certain positive light, even if not as a husband, because of his good deeds of the past), but he had a big problem with taking things too lightly and not dealing adequately with his emotions.

so when he receives the ultimatum from Nezha and company, he has a very Im not Sorry for Loving You moment.

in which he does just that, he explains to Jiaozi that he let her go with Nezha, that he regrets having made her go through all this just out of selfish fear, and he very much regrets not regretting loving her even so (many years of being alone screwed him up a little head, so this type of interaction definitely marked his isolation even more in the future).

Even if in lmk Jiaozi doesn't keep track of him or anything like that, she makes it clear to him that she couldn't love him the way he wants her to love him. and it hurts, but it hurts good. because he learns from it.

(PS, it would be quite ironical if this Jiaozi marry Nezha of all people lol)

waaaaaaa I just love finding parallels between my hyperfixations, I will soon publish another one, but it will be much fluffier and from this same fandom.

(the songs that give the idea)

Shares, reblogs and comments are very welcome!

[neos-schlond-poofa]

rl donna beneviento hcs

because @scuba-gragas (your acc is NOT linking for some reason) freaked out over one of my edit captions and im like. why not share more sad stuff about donna! and also silly stuff in here too.

AND NO IM NOT PUTTING "ATTEMPTED BEFORE" IN HERE THIS IS NOT SOME SAD SOME RANDOM

repeating this from the edit but due to her tendency to remember numerous timelines, donna has even more of a SEVERE fear of being abandoned by mc and lacks a lot of self confidence in the relationship. she remembers mc being happy with the others, what if they did a better job than her? what if mc goes to them? or perhaps, what if the loop occurs and mc goes to someone else, and donna sees them just act happier? was she easily replacable?

however, sometimes donna DOES express her relationship anxieties and mc always does help out; its not all torment for donna, dont worry. as time goes on she always tries to be more open with mc about her feelings

okay back to sad. i imagine this happens to everyone but in their own way, but donna is a sleep hugger. so when she wakes up the day after the loop, shes hugging a pillow instead of mc and she just sits there for a bit. sometimes, she doesnt really get it, other times, she instantly knows what happened. she hates the feeling of waking up that morning and thinking she has someone in her arms, only to have an empty spot in her bed.

really good at claw machines. when angie was younger, she loved going to the arcade, and so donna mastered the art of claw machines to get angie a bunch of prizes (and sometimes herself).

invested in noise cancelling headphones / earbuds once she got with mc. she wears them a lot everywhere and even went to her first concert with them, it helps her not be overstimulated.

she hates herself for this, but part of her prays that mc stays with miranda after she has to wipe belas memories. she cant stand the thought of hurting her niece again in another loop.

would probably get a sims addiction, but specifically making sims.

plays relaxing video game soundtracks in the store (dani, angie, and mc often update the playlists)

she sells those fake flowers on april fools that shoot water at peoples faces.

loves to watch operas and ballets.

im struggling with wording this but like. when donna realizes the loop has occured she always just takes a bunch of time to prepare herself for whatever is going to happen, but ESPECIALLY knowing she has to murder someone for angie again. shes basically doomed to do this forever until mc gets with miranda; and i KNOW angie sometimes isnt a doll but. lets forget about that!! i just imagine shes always a doll anyways, it makes more sense that way, and either way, a loop where angie is fully human is just a temporary break for one of donna's many problems.

ethel cain stan

hates hospital shows for MANY reasons. she doesnt like seeing the hospitals first of all, she doesnt like seeing when the people die, and she hates the medical inconsistencies.

in loops where bela and mc have a family (sigh), she can't help but literally try to keep her distance. they won't have their family for long, and she cant bear to tell them that (although bela is most definitely aware) or even get attached to their baby, she doesn't want to lose someone close again (although bela does not catch onto this; she tries to get donna involved as opposed to alcina)

owns a typewriter

constantly has a tab of solitaire open on her laptop.

theres a picture of markiplier hidden in her room and she doesnt know it. angie hid it there and has been waiting for donna to find it. thing is? she hid it before the loop started. so it is permanently there for every loop.

always has really cutesy and simplistic halloween costumes she wears in her flower shop for the holiday. her favorite costume is a bee.

loves build-a-bear. it obviously takes her some time to get ready to go there (she often plans out their least busy times), but she loves to make her own plushes for her collection and buy them new clothes. eventually takes mc there for a date and they adopt a bear together.

but outside of that? she really hates getting new ones there during the loops. she gets really attached to them and she hates knowing they're only there for a short time.

kanoodle master.

hates the smell of nail polish

great hugger, even if she doesn't give them out that often.

owns a bunch of retro game consoles and likes to collect them, although she doesn't get much time to play them.

hates the bee movie; angie loves it

while mc obviously does open her eyes, donna still struggles with the concept of even trying to get better because she knows its all just going to loop. yes, she will work on things and they will improve, but certain things will revert back to normal after the loop anyways.

once tried to dance in the rain for fun and ended up getting a cold instead.

alright i think thats it... i might share more in the future but i tried to balance this with silly and sad.

[j2zara]

porter w 3 jaceclones in his house, two of which would be happy to fuck him: but i want the REAL jace :(

ah well aint porter wanting the REAL jace really the problem at the heart of everything all the time? As was posited in 7 Jaces thesis?

Anyway there is a part of me that does think the phonesex definitely happened like Porter definitely drunk dialed Jace one night and Jace degraded him until he came but like. Jace in his mind is like "that doesn't count b/c its phonesex". So all this insistence on maintaining his boundaries and actually trying to do the right thing (while also fucking over the jaceclones in the process obviously) is complete bullshit. As far as the timeline goes, in my heart if its Definitely A Thing That Happened it only happened once but through infinite jace theory all things are possible so if we push this then what

Tbh i do think J2 and J3 being The Way They Are is part of why Porter... Like... he calls jace with the intent of maybe jace will come crawling back but the degradation doesn't hurt and is like actually is this maybe what i wanted because like? J2 and j3 will do anything for him. And like, that's what he wants he supposes, what he always wanted with jace but that's not conflict, thats not conquest, where is the fun without a little fight?

I do think it would be funny if J2 and j3 found out about this. Like J2 would maybe be a little upset but also be like oh ok. I mean. Whatever you think is best (while silently thinking about the last time jace and porter were together it was this huge fight, he hasn't been jaceporter pantheon pilled yet and is holding out hope that porter can be his), meanwhile J3 is like. Actually can i get in on that. Im so sad like landlines aren't really a thing anymore bc i just know j3 would LOVE to be listening in on the landline if that were the case. The cogs are definitely turning

That being said I do think my favorite point to slip this into the timeline is right after J2 kissed Porter for the first time (and j2's first handjob yipeeeee). I just think it would be fun.... Because Porter is still thinking about how kissing Bluejay felt the same as kissing Jace but this is also right after his fight with J2 in which j2 is trying to be so so supportive but porter is just frustrated bc J2 won't give him a straight answer on what he actually wants or thinks its always just whatever you want! He misses jace. This isn't jace. This is so much of what jace used to be Before porter. But it felt the same, right?

So he calls Jace and Jace might even be able to kind of guess what is up because he could FEEL it, he could feel porter's anger and frustration that Jace is not the one there with him. and jace is sort of mocking him for it, like are you really fucking the clone? Son of a bitch, you're fucking the clone aren't you? wow you really can't move on can you, how pathetic is that. And after all that i'm it and you know it. And now you can't have me and that makes you sick. (and jace's life right now is miserable and fucked but at least he has that sort of power right? being able to deny porter something that he wants?)

And like. Porter expected or maybe hopes jace would crumble but he KNOWS he's been fucking up this entire time. He knows this is different, jace isn't coming back. So maybe Jace means it when he says well i do miss when you fuck me. I hate you but at least i miss that mught. At least your cock never made me mad. (And he has fucked everything in jace's life, so why would that not be the truth? Maybe he's the instrument here). All this talk about ascension and godhood meanwhile, the only time you liked yourself was when you were pleasing me. Something Something Jace Cool Girl Thesis right? "I'm the cunt you married. The only time you liked yourself was when you were trying to be someone this cunt might like"

And porter is thinking maybe that's true. He misses when he was fucking jace and jace would say his name like it was something of reverence. Like it meant anything at all. Maybe that WAS the only time he was ever any good to jace. The only time he ever really felt like he was acting in the service of something holy. Everything else has been ruin and now doesn't even have the cunt he destroyed just so Porter could have him. Maybe he's just a guy with a bick dick havin a mid life crisis. If he tried that with. J2. Would it sound the same coming from Bluejay's mouth? It would have to, right? Maybe he should give it a shot just to see. The fact that he's willing to give it a shot makes him even more disgusting—which is only more fodder for jace's hatred and degradation. Cool Girl Thesis part 2! "You think you'd be happy with some midwestern girl? No way baby. I'm it"

Maybe it shouldn't matter to him, a god can have what he wants right? The entire flock if it suits him. But Porter still wants the cunt he married

[alan-in-the-outernet]

"can I please just get an actual response that isn't an accusation? Please?"

"Okay so if this happened and if stick figures are connected to this, you would probably end up getting the most severe case of cursor sensitivity in history. Let's keep this hypothetical and not test that. What we've learned here is already enough to make us reevaluate everything we thought we knew about this phenomenon. Let's not test it any further."

"And what do you think such a severe case would be like? What do you think the symptoms would be like?"

"Really not liking the way you're asking, but honestly there isn't a way of knowing given the fact that everything we used to think might be entirely wrong. Who knows what it would be like? Just reiterating the fact that you should not test this."

"..."

"what did you do."

"Nothing. This is all hypothetical."

"Did you start this thread because you accidentally showed your cursor to a large population of sticks outside of your desktop before suddenly getting a bunch of worrying new symptoms? Leading to you wondering if there was a connection between sticks and cursor sensitivity?"

"I plead the 5th"

"omfg. well, at least you made a major scientific discovery on a poorly understood rare phenomenon. Can you at least document your symptoms?"

"my symptoms are unfortunately not very realistic so I don't think anyone will believe me."

"Because of you we discovered a connection between cursor sensitivity and stick figures that might've gone undiscovered for a long time otherwise. Which in itself doesn't sound realistic and points to the supernatural. At this point there's a lot that I could believe about it."

"I could hear my stick figures talk. The rest of my symptoms only get less realistic from there."

"get away from your computer asap"

"I tried that but unfortunately it's gotten to the point where I can control my cursor in my dreams. I was drawing a picture with one of my sticks last night while I slept in my bed. I thought it was just a weird dream at first but then I woke up and went to my computer and saw it. The stick in question was able to confirm that it all actually happened. This unfortunately means that even if I'm physically away from my computer I can't escape the cursor."

"what the **** go to a doctor this is really serious???"

"probably not unless I start passing out or something. Who'd believe me?"

Time skip:

"I have an update."

"what happened this time?! Are you okay?"

"no. I've started getting summoned by stick figures in a stick figure city in my dreams."

"excuse me what?"

"yeah and whenever that happens my mind gets all foggy and it's like something else takes over to solve whatever problem I was summoned for."

"OKAY THAT'S FREAKY BUT ALSO WHY ARE YOU BEING SUMMONED????"

"THEY THINK THE CURSOR IS A GOD AND I HAVE NO WAY OF CONVINCING THEM OTHERWISE AND THIS MAKES IT EVEN WORSE"

"you started a cult of stick figures."

"PLEASE DONT JOKE ABOUT IT. I AM FREAKING OUT HOW DO I STOP THIS?!"

"go to a doctor."

Time skip

"update: they're summoning me when I'm awake now and it causes me to pass out I really don't like this."

"didn't you say that if you started passing out you would go to a doctor?"

"yeah... I did say that."

Time skip

"Doctor has no idea what to do but at least she believes me."

"I guess that makes sense considering how poorly understood this actually is apparently. You discovered stages of something everyone used to think was just a weird phenomenon. Congrats on becoming the foremost expert on something."

"You're not helping."

"how does one help someone that's getting deified by stick figures?"

*I DO NOT WANT TO BE DEIFIED"

Time skip

"THERE'S PHYSICAL EFFECTS NOW. I CAN SUMMON LIGHT. I DONT LIKE THIS. SHOWED THE DOCTOR AND SHE FREAKED OUT FOR OBVIOUS REASONS BUT AGREED NOT TO TELL ANYONE."

"you can do magic now? Nice."

"NOTNICENOTNICENITNICE"

"good luck ascending"

"PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT!"

(I got carried away)

I'M??? I LOVE THIS??? I'M CACKLING SO MUCH IM

*WHEEEZEEEEE*

[an-obsessed-cactus]

I think i may be asexual?!

(okay this got longer than expected and i wanted to stop talking cuz ppl won't read it if it's so long and then i realized I'm not here to please anybody and i just wanna process some stuff so. yeah. also i come to realizations farther down that contradict some stuff from the beginning but I'll just leave my whole thought process here)

fun. um. I've realized I'm not straight two years ago and then started learning more about all things LGBT related and think myself educated enough on this topic but.

I've been pondering my sexuality and gender identity again more in recent days and. today i randomly stumbled across a yt video where the author (are you an author on yt? my brain is glitching rn)(also the 'author' in question is @jaidenanimationsofficial wonderful videos love the animation and the humor) talks about being aroace. few hours pass, my stomach hurts like hell so i go to lay down and sleep a bit, wake up and have a realization.

i googled again what asexuality is and read some more on this. i did this before and i guess i didn't see myself in it? so i kinda crossed it off the list of possible identities. i guess because i do want to have sex. i think. I'm not opposed to it and i get horny lmao. but that's only with fictional characters and works? like i just think: that was very sexy of you. but in a platonic way?! sex doesn't cross my mind. (also can you get aroused by music? or a good written work? or movie? like not even the characters but the work itself?) sorry i dunno I'm confused.

anyway i got a bit off track. what i wanted to say was that i suddenly remembered a convo i had with my sister a while ago where we talked about what is the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship. and she said it's that u wanna have sex with them and i was like ... i don't really think that's it...

and like. i get crushes i think. but I've never experienced this want to have sex with a particular person at least that i could remember. like a want to have sex? i guess yeah i mean not rlly sth i think about much but it's not unprecedented(see: i get horny)

honestly I'm not even sure anymore if im not aromantic as well. cuz queerplatonic sounds more like my jam?

like i felt(feel?) like omnisexual described me well because i think I'd be attracted to who the person is at their core. what if ur straight as a girl, date a boy, and then it turns out he's trans? i dunno i feel like gender isn't this fixed thing which then kinda creates problems when labeling urself with a certain sexuality. aaaa people came irl and i lost my train of thought. um. i feel like labeling myself anything other than omnisexual would feel limiting. even if i never developed a crush on a girl for example (i did), i still feel like i could potentially. like there's nothing stopping me. why shouldn't I?

OKAY SO

that was written yesterday. it is now today and i have a whole lot of new thoughts and realizations.

I had a bit of a marathon with @jaidenanimationsofficial videos and i came across an older one she mentioned in the previous one i watched about being aroace(ik it's a mess) about how she couldn't understand why when romantic feelings are not mutual people don't just continue being friends. and i was like EXACTLY WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! and um. ahem. do u really see it as a problem? I guess if everyone does. but I'm starting to seriously consider if I'm aroace as well which woah there. this happened in a span of a day and I'm not sure it's real and it doesn't feel real? some time will have to pass for me to check out this theory cuz. ppl often say they felt like there was sth wrong with them and then they discovered these terms and were like aHA that's it! that explains everything! and I didn't... have that? and I'm not sure to what extent i identify with aroace because reasons(ill talk about some of it below). and I'm not saying that not having this realization moment or not feeling like sth is wrong with me through my life devalidates my orientation and stuff but it makes me doubt i guess?

i also came to an important discovery that aroused and horny are not the same. who would have thought?! I said above i get horny but apparently being horny means to want to have sex. and i just get the physical part aka arousal. fun. someone help pls im so confused.

okay for the last part(which prolly won't be the last part but one can hope right?)

i said i realized i wasn't straight two years ago. that was when i realized i like my best friend as more than i friend. well it wasn't exactly that simple. tbh i think Lucifer(the series i am NOT a satanist) helped a lot with that? like i knew about some lgbt stuff before because I'm alive on this planet but it kinda made me think about a lot of stuff, and between that stuff was my sexuality as well. idk. it's not like i had a crush on any of the female characters. just got me thinking for some reason. like why is having sex with people you're not romantically involved with wrong? why is prostitution wrong if u enjoy it and get money for it and it's well managed and secure? but that's beside the point.

well anyway I didn't know what i felt towards my bff(I'll say bff cuz bf also stands for boyfriend so it feels weird) but it felt like more than friendship. didn't feel like sth romantic tho. then i discovered queerplatonic relationships exist and i was like i think that's it! and then new school year came i saw her again and doubts flared up. again there was never i wanna have sex with her, but there was an occasional i wanna kiss her. and she was so important to me so it has to be romantic love right?! romance is the highest form of love one can experience afterall! nothing whatsoever can compare to it!! it feels ✨magical✨ when you find you will finally be completed!!! anyways.

it felt like romantic love was the only thing that could justify me feeling this way. i won't go deeper into this because i already have a draft where i do(i have like 16 drafts with uncompleted rambles so...) I'll try to post it but. i told her and we're still good friends! it actually made me closer to the rest of my friend group(which i was only a part of on the paper before)(i was so focused on my bff before I didn't really do group) because i felt a bit distanced from her for a while(she's a people pleaser like me and even tho i think i can read her well im paranoid and i thought she may feel weird?). anyways i got close with 3 other amazing ppl in the meantime and my friendship with my bff hasn't suffered!

but between my feelings being kinda realized and me telling her a whole year has passed and in the end i wasn't even sure what i was feeling anymore just that i didn't want her not to know. idk.

now im wondering what it was. even back then half year pre confession i was thinking if it was just because someone was finally paying attention to me. i didn't really do friends before (i kinda had them but there were no deep convos or shared secrets) and then there was suddenly this person who genuinely enjoys spending time with me! and listens to my problems! and weird obsessions! this sounds kinda sad put like this ngl lmao. but this was the first time I had that deep connection with someone. two years in my confused feelings came. geez i got off track again. point is i thought i was straight up until then and then had a crisis cuz i thought i only liked her cuz she was giving me attention cuz i was straight goddamit! ANYWAYS.

this post has lost all direction. it is a frustrated ramble of a very confused person. let us continue

i will just sum up how i feel about genders and people because I'm a chronic oversharer. oops doops.

men: find them aesthetically pleasing, all celebrity crushes are in this category (there's only one really but if i found a celebrity attractive like not objectively but to me it was a man), i would also get kinda crushes on boys my age when i spent 5 minutes with them. don't ask. i think it's dopamine mining(i suspect i have adhd). im not used to male company and i kinda don't like it that much but the the ?butterflies? are still there. tbh i don't really know what to do with men. doesn't stop me from having crushes tho. i don't have any real desire to be in a romantic relationship with men. i don't exclude the possibility but i haven't found one i would want it with. i also don't know now to interact with them. let alone flirt. actually flirt in general. it feels like it would be cringe and belongs in bad movies.

women: freaking amazing!! love them! no celebrity crushes, one irl crush which might have moved beyond crush(i suspected the L word for a while) to friends or it might have never been a crush in the first place! help! now there's another friend outside of my friend group who i may like. or i just enjoy her company? im not used to this yet. i forgot i think im aroace. this is killing me.

nonbinary/other genders: I haven't met any yet. there are some on discord servers im a part of but I don't really interact much just lurk there. i think irl experience would be different anyway.

someone please explain sth to me. you have sexual attraction okay get that(not really but that's not the point). but then there's romantic attraction. how do you separate that from friendship? just this intense feelings of wanting to be with them at all times? okay myb myb let's say u can separate them from friendship. what about queerplatonic? guys??

i am starting to dislike labels. this is confusing.

also i gotta figure this romantic thing out cuz im writing a fantasy series and there's romance involved lol.

okay so i guess i am at least asexual cuz i don't see ppl and go 'i wanna have sex with them'. i am not yet thoroughly convinced im aromantic as well but we'll see about that ig. because i still don't understand what the difference between romance and deep friendship is. aghhh

although if i can't tell the difference myb that answers the question.

also how does someone who is asexual but romantically attracted to all genders label themselves? like omnisexual ig doesn't work cuz it omnisexual.

i went to google aromantic and.

"demiromantic people have romantic attraction only after forming an emotional bond with another person."

HOW ELSE DO YOU HAVE ROMANTIC ATTRACTION??? Isn't this about who the person is?! Do you just see them and go: oh this must be such a good person. what?

like i understand sexual attraction when you see someone ig. but romantic? i really need someone to explain this to me in depth. i haven't even been asking the right questions.

"Quoiromantic people can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic attractions." Welp i guess i have a new label i can stick on myself. also the name is killing me. (quoi=what in french💀)

(edit: well this thing just posted itself. I DIDN'T HIT POST WTF. but it's out there now. ig it had enough of me adding new and new thoughts. im inclined to agree)

[ultfreakme]

im a zutara multishipper though i often feel like a fake cause im not as hardcore as most of em.. i forgot all about that scarf scene its not as memorable as I'll save you from the pirates is that probalmatic imeaniguess but it was a fun scene in the cartoon ..

. so many zuts are celebrating over a silyl scarf scene but i can tell there's higher chances of hell freezing over than zutara and i dont look forward to them going again We were robbed when it doesn't happen. i love being a multishipper though cause i was very well fed with zukaang

im begging shippers not to bully gordon over shipping and it is interting to note how uncomfortable zutara makes the actors prob cause they recognize Kia is a teenager and Dallas is 22 year old.. theres hooplah over how the age gap is fine cause she' ll be 18 and theres a difference with 11/14 vs 15/ year old met guy when he was 20. of course kia is uncomforatble with zutara she met dallas aas a child. but here we got people treating her like she's an adult already.

the way kia is talked about creeps me out and i still think about the people telling me im a fake fan bec i think maybe we dont talk about kias age like shes not even real. i do enjoy the fanart comig from promo pics cause people are super talented but sometimes . it feels that people are shipping Kia/Dallas more than zuko/katara

Hi!! Honestly it's fine if you ship even if things for the ship are considered 'problematic'. I mean I ship Zukka and both of them have genuinely wanted each other dead or gone for a good chunk of the show lol.

I think, and I'm not going to generalize and say EVERY Zutara shipper, but one thing I've encountered as a pattern of difference between Zutara shippers and every other ATLA ship shipper, is canonicity. Zukaang, Zukka, Jetko, MaiLee, TyZula, Tokka, Taang, none of them are of the mindset that their ship will be canon so no one has any real problems with these ships. But a lot of Zutara shippers I've seen on twitter at least are convinced that Zutara was meant to be canon, and this inability keep fanon and canon separate is what's getting people's hopes up. And when it's made clear that these ARE separate, there's upset. I've seen the same thing happen with multiple other shippers and ships across fandoms.

Being a multishipper sounds fun anon, and I hope you're doing well <3

You're so right on the way people act about and treat Kia. Dallas has on interview said Kia is like a little sister to him, and yeah people keep forgetting that these two met when Kia was a child and he was an adult. It's why Dallas and Ian are fine when they talk about Zukka or can joke about "shipping" them.

I've noticed that people are doing the thing again(in 2024 dear GOD), where they keep waiting for young girls to be "legal" to be fucking creeps. People did it with Billie Eilish, the Olsen twins and a bunch of other female celebs and artists. I just feel terrible for her and Gordon, and I wish people would stop being weird about the actors and take a hint because Kia, Dallas, Gordon- none of them are being subtle about being uncomfortable about zutara. The only way they can be more obvious is plaster it on their foreheads. I didn't know about people talking about...ugh I can't even say it, Kia and Dallas like a ship GROSS. Leave Kia and Dallas out of it gosh. I got an ask a while back basically saying people will stop being mean to Gordon if Zutara becomes canon and I was flabbergasted. Like, you won't treat a child, with respect and dignity, because your 20 year old ship isn't real???

I've said this before, but people are just jumping to make Kia out to be more...older? People saying she looks like Gordon's mom(I will hunt these people on sight she looks like a child). And it's this, intermixing of sexism and racism and colourism (I've seen people be extremely disgusting about Dallas and Gordon too about their appearance. Pretty much everyone who doesn't fit into Western beauty standards are receiving awful hate- Thalia Tran playing Mai, Elizabeth Yu playing Azula).

People seriously need to get a grip and start learning to differentiate between fiction and real human beings or this is going to hurt EVERYONE involved, but especially Kia and Gordon. It doesn't matter if Kia is 18, she DOES NOT LIKE IT. DALLAS sees her as a sister, like i wish people would keep that in mind.

[nerves-nebula]

Knowing that he has memory problems does neglected Raph struggle to trust his own judgment?

Like not even just for things gaps in memories makes sense to hinder. I’m talking even when he knows stuff or when memory doesn’t factor in at all, he knows he can’t trust his mind on some things so he struggles to trust it at all

If so, does he ever recover from all that?

(Side note: it’d be super interesting to see them face a villain like Mother May-Eye from Teen Titans 2003)

here's the thing about raph, Raph doesn't trust ppl other than his brothers, april, and casey, so he wouldn't let someone else fact check him, but that doesn't mean he doesn't doubt his own memories. especially since Donnie has rambled at length about how fallible memories are.

There more than a few times where Raph has a memory of something, but Splinter kind of tweaks it or implies it was just ever so slightly different in away that changes things. and if Raph is like "wait that's not what happened" Splinter would imply he doesn't know what he's talking about. never calling him crazy outright, just saying he's remembering it wrong. but isn't it kind of weird that, for some reason, Raph's memory is always "wrong" in a way that benefits Splinter? (Mom Reference)

so anyway, Raph doesn't like being told he remembered something wrong cuz of that, so that's why he only lets his close friends check him and might get aggro if someone he doesn't know well casually implies he's remembering something wrong. (this includes stuff as small as someone saying "i think you remembered this wrong" or "that's not what I remember" even just really small stuff like that can trigger him)

But his defensiveness is just because he does genuinely worry that since he forgets things so much, there's a chance the solid memories he DOES have aren't real. and if that's true then like what is he even doing, right? like how can he be a person in a meaningful way if the things his internal experiences and emotions are based on aren't real? That's what he thinks, at least.

i watched the mother may-eye episode to answer this ask so im gonna address that under the cut now:

I forgot how good the teen titans theme song is. also i forgot about the hive five they're are so fucking cool i wish i was every character in this show wtf. also why that guy sexually harass starfire. kinda like that starfire appears to swear all the damn time but since it's alien swears no one cares.

and the DAY is SAVED by the power of THATS NOT HOW CONCUSSIONS WORKS <3 my favorite storytelling technique tbh. just hit 'em on the head i'm sure it'll work out fine.

SLUR in early 2000's children media: OBSERVED.

really fucked up that they gave it to the Hive Five not knowing if they were gonna escape or get baked or anything. that's. wild.

there's something about a villain who forcibly makes you regress to a childlike state in order to manipulate you that is so fucking uncomfortable, oh my god. especially when they use, like, overly cutesy language. if i did something like that to the neglected gang it would be really gross. so i might do that later then, idk.

[autisticbokutoenthusiast]

so i was rewatching epiode 10 and now am in ray thoughts hell.

in part 1 of the episode, sand gives ray the information for ray to go to rehab, ray insists he doesn't have a drinking problem, sand points out he does, and i knew this but what i forgot is ray straight up asks sand why he wants ray to go to rehab.

and sand is quiet for a second before saying its because he doesn't want to sing at ray's funeral (callback to their night together in episode 9)

we know from the very beginning that ray views himself as worthless but the one thing he has that can make people pay attention to him is his dads money, and sand was the one to show him that he was lovable outside of that. after the first watch of the episode saturday this is what i thought prompted him to explode in that fight, and it is, but now i can't stop thinking about the lines above.

when ray goes with sand to meet his dad, he says that since sad has proved he is brave he'll go to rehab for him, and i think he meant it here as in he'll go to make sand happy. we have the scene of him throwing out his bottles then skipping down the stairs only to see sand getting paid by his dad for getting ray to go to rehab, then we see ray (in my opinion drunk) show up at sand's apartment and the fight happens.

the use of the line (which is a translation but still) "you duped me into trusting you" is so much more painful to me now because he started this believing that sand wanted him to go because he cared (which he does) but in ray's mind (at least initially cause this man acts on the first emotion he feels) sand lied to him before and is only doing this for money. all of the love and care ray was able to feel was fake, because who would actually love him. "im not important anyways" "no one loves me" "you deserve someone that can make you happy" etc etc etc

what this has also made me think is that before this happens ray decides to go to rehab just to make the people around him happy/ stop bothering him about it, but because of the fight and the words from his dad, ray has to seriously consider whether or not sand cares for him and what that means. in my opinion ray thinking about the fact sand does in deed care for him (someone who isn't easy to love according to himself) without any outside motive, and ray acting like even more of an asshole in return, is the reason he goes to rehab. in confronting sand's true intentions ray also gains a sense of self worth, he doesn't want to get better because sand told him to, he can see a future for himself that's worth living for. he sees a version of himself that is worth loving and a life that doesn't have to be based in pain.

anyway feeeling soooo normal about ray

[familyofpaladins]

I finally got out my laptop again and pulled what I had written previously for my Youngest Leo Au, and so I can finally just copy and paste what I had written about the turtles dynamics/personalities once they were back with Splinter. (@sonderquill this is for you, I knew i had stuff about it written on my laptop and why I took forever to actually that part of your question)

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a link to the post describing my Youngest Leo au (which is also just my own iteration of the tmnt) and a lot of the back ground for the au.

TLDR (but really check out the other post for a lot more detail) is that, when the turtles were little (like 7 or 9ish years old), they got taken in by shredder, who they thought was a friend of splinter. Shredder wasn't always super nice to them and got even worse after shredder thought he had finished Splinter off. Mikey is the oldest, but doesn't focus well, so Shredder dismisses him as stupid. Raph is next oldest, but has anger issues and doesn't like listening to shredder. Donnie is super smart, but doesn't talk and therefore can't communicate well with others often. Leo is the youngest and easiest to scare into submission/actually get him to do what shredder says. After a couple/few years with shredder, they manage to escape with Splinter who is actually alive. Except Leo, who Shredder then takes to japan for about a year. Leo eventually gets back to his family.

And the rest of this post is how the brothers interact with each other after this (and a little speculation about what they would have been like if they HADN'T been taken by shredder). This... may have gotten a little long (between 1k and 2k words?) so im going to go ahead and put it under a cut

Once ALL turtles are back home. It’s an adjustment period. Leo spends some time trying to make sure that Splinter always stays happy and begins to panic is something happens that could possibly upset splinter. (because leo fears punishment, and that he or his brothers will be hurt like they would have been with shredder) Now splinter would never hurt them or get angry like shredder did, and logically leo knows that, but the stress Leo endured (especially when it was just him) has made him anxious and it takes a while for Leo to relax. But he gets there eventually.

They all still end up defaulting Leo to be leader, because he still knows their strengths and weaknesses best. Mikey still doesn’t like large text books and sitting still too long, but now that he’s out, he’s much more likely to sit back and relax and chill out. Pranks his brothers a lot. He is a big reason that Leo gets to calm down. He gets Leo to laugh and pulls pranks on everyone and demonstrates that no one is going to get seriously hurt as a consequence. (Mikey makes it a personal mission to get Leo to laugh at least once every day, or at the very least smile)

Once everyone is back together , Donnie really opens up and almost doesn’t ever shut up when he gets on a roll. His brothers love listening to him, even if 90% of it goes over their heads. Seriously, after years of not hearing Donnie speak, they will always happily listen to him. Sometimes he thinks too much and leo helps direct his thoughts. Leo asks him for help the most on solving problems during missions.  He gets to make things exclusively for his brothers like jet powered skateboards and jet skis and communication devices and cloaking technology to hide their home. Once he meets April, she gets him more into chemistry, and Donnie occasionally supplies Mikey with stuff for pranks (like the “elephant toothpaste” stuff) but only when he knows it’s not going to possibly ruin any tech/ or furniture.  

It takes a little while for raph and leo to work out that Leo isn’t trying to be mean/patronizing when helping with training, and that Raph would rather figure things out on his own, but that also he has always cared for all his brothers including leo. Once they find their groove, they almost become inseparable. Can often find them out patrolling together or sparring. Still get in fights over the stupidest things. Raph still gets angry, but it’s not a constant frustration like when they were at Shredder’s. (Shredder had been also purposefully trying to get Raph to be angry a lot, so that he would eventually be like a raging beast he could unleash on his enemies.) Splinter helps to teach Raph better (read: ANY) coping methods for his anger, and so his bouts of anger are far less often and over quicker.

Random fun fact. As the eldest brothers, Mikey and Raph are the ones the brothers go to when they're scared. Go to Mikey when its a silly fear and/or you just want to be cheered up. So when Donnie has a nightmare about all his technology either falling apart or turning against him as a giant computer spider monster or something, he goes to Mikey who doesn't make fun of him and is like "well all we'd have to do is drown it in water duh. When Leo has a bad time after trying to work on his fear of heights, Mikey just makes jokes or talks about something else until he calms down. (or if Leo gets stuck somewhere high because he's too scared to move, Mikey helps distract him from the heights and to look at other things instead). And when Raph gets scared by a bug that managed to get in his room, Mikey doesn't make fun of him, and just scoops the bug up and takes it away.

You go to Raph when you want to feel protected. Raph is the strongest one of them all, and has won most of the fights he's been in. So when Mikey gets spooked by a pile of clothes that looked like a person standing in a dark corner and now every shadow might hold something, he goes to Raph, because, while he knows there's probably nothing there, if there IS, Raph will be able to fight whatever it is. When Donnie is scared that the foot or other villains may get past the security he has guarding their home, he goes to Raph, because Raph will beat up anything that gets past Donnies tech defenses. And when Leo is afraid that Shredder or [redacted] is going to come and take him away again, he goes to Raph, because Raph has promised that he'll never let that happen, and Leo believes him. And big tough angry Raph has a soft and squishy heart, so he will always let his brothers stay with him when they're scared. Because he WILL fight against anything that threatens his brothers.

Their dynamic as teens:

*Listening to some bad guy monologue-ing *

Raph, whispering to Leo: what’s cognizant mean?

Leo: I…. I’m not sure. Don. What’s that mean?

Donnie: Cognizant: to be aware of or in the know of something.

Mikey: Guess Raph and Leo aren’t very cognizant of word definitions hahahaha-

BONK.

Raph: Shut up Mike!! You didn’t know eitha!

(Villain: Hey!! You're supposed to be listening to ME-)

So yeah, leo is the leader because that’s what they were used to and got good at while under the care of the shredder. If they had stayed with splinter its possible that Mikey would have lead, being the oldest, but also possible that he still wouldn’t have wanted the role/ wouldn’t focus well enough for the role. But he does know his brothers well and might have grown more serious. But since the shredder often wrote off his inability to focus as a lost cause, he happily lets Leo make decisions for him during missions. (at home though with things like dinner and movie nights, he likes to pull the oldest brother card to get what he wants lol) .

Raph being one of the strongest fighters could have argued for role as leader, but regardless of being with shredder or splinter he is a hothead and probably would still have not gotten leadership position. Although maybe with splinter he would have been able to work through some of his anger better, and channel it better and could have maybe stepped up as leader. But. As is, he never really worked out how to focus his anger with the shredder, and so there is a little bit of an adjustment period where he has to learn ways to channel his anger and frustration when he can’t just go and beat up the random foot goons in the training room anymore. (probably meets casey this way when he sneaks out to find bad guys to fight and runs into casey instead). Splinter does try to teach him some ways to cope that don’t involve beating people up. Knitting /crocheting is one of those ways (taking the time to MAKE something instead of destroy. And also yarn won’t break like pottery or glass or wood or a painting canvas if it gets punched in frustration).

Donnie is probably the least changed by his time with the shredder. He would have been talking a lot more and sooner had he been with splinter. Donnie did get to have access to more diverse technology tho and perhaps has more skills and experience because of it. Being with Shredder made him very anxious and was often close to a break down from stress, but being able to work in the lab simultaneously made it better (got to work on technology) and worse (never knowing what his work was going to be used for). Donnie is just relieved to no longer have to be building things that were going to hurt people and can now make things to help instead. Donnie really shines once he’s free. Makes friends with April (and leatherhead) he babbles and info dumps all the time, and gets lost in inventions and data, that his brothers often have to snap him out of. Could not lead because he’d get lost in the calculations and what ifs.

Leo actually has a similar problem. Often gets caught in a Do this and face possible consequence, or do That and face a different consequence. Which is better? Will he regret it? Which saves his family and which dooms it? <- this gets amplified during the time he’s alone with the foot. Once he’s back with his brothers they help to push towards decisions (with Raph’s hotheadedness jumping in anyway, Don’s analysis, or Mikey’s fun impulsiveness/instinct.) and that they’ll be there to work through whatever the consequences are anyway, because they’re in this together, good or bad. Brothers forever

[thesherrinfordfacility]

LWA: Regarding your post about Hell, I'm wondering just how many souls are /in/ Heaven in the first place, and whether that's possibly what's causing a power imbalance. Angels and demons are equally balanced in numbers, but are their workloads? (The situation reminds me of a short comic novel by Robert Olen Butler called HELL, in which /everybody/ is damned, including all of Christ's disciples and the saints.) For that matter, are the angels actually /doing/ anything to win souls? The demons are obsessed with soul quotas and the like, and even a demon as lazy as Crowley undertakes big projects on his own initiative from time to time, like the M25 or the cell phone network. Hastur and Ligur appear to be perfectly good at what they do, even if they're out of touch with modern tech. But although we hear about Aziraphale's occasional assignments to foment peace or bless a random person in Edinburgh, the Archangels' dialogue sidesteps human souls and the afterlife entirely--Job is about a this-worldly reward, for example--and the Aziraphale we see on screen focuses on small-scale kindnesses instead of large-scale undertakings. Even his goal in 1941 has nothing to do with "saving souls" for Heaven; it's about stopping the Nazis from doing bad things to humans in this life. As you've said, part of what distinguishes Aziraphale from the other angels is that he actually cares about the humans, but there's no sign that he understands himself to be under any corporate mandate to go out and actively acquire their souls for Heaven. It's not even part of the angelic equivalent to reciting the deeds of the day.

LWA???✨

hello, and hope you are well!!! and because im taking the name-drop to be a recommendation, i have immediately ordered a copy✨

im not really sure on how i can begin to unpick this, but my first thought is to refer back to what you said in a previous ask on pascal's wager, and how it doesn't apply in GO (for anyone else, full ask is here and further thoughts are here):

let's consult the wager again. sure, we know that god exists in good omens, in which case half of the wager is redundant; if we accept the wager to be true, there exists only eternal damnation or eternal reward for humanity... but that presumes:

that humans in GO also know that god exists, which the vast majority do not

that a final destination in heaven or hell is god's will.

the second point is all the more interesting when considering the hell problem; how can hell exist if god is benevolent, and merciful? well, as you said, there is nothing demonstrated in GO that shows that god is in fact either of those things - best case scenario, god either isn't actually responsible for some of the events that occur (possible, but purely hypothetical), and/or is strictly amoral and allows events, good or bad, to occur without her direct interference (e.g. imo, the job sitch).

but the ultimate perception from humanity's viewpoint, at the very least, is that god not intervening is itself immoral, and begs the age-old question; why does god allow suffering to happen, if they are benevolent and merciful? is omniscient and omnipotent? and herein we arrive at the problem of evil, and theodicy. one such defence is free will; that the existence of evil and suffering poses an environment where humanity gets a choice in how they choose to act in the face of evil/suffering (which we know aziraphale also subscribes to); do they follow evil, or do they follow good?

the theodical defence in the context of job, however, is particularly interesting, because what it seems to demonstrate is that god operates on such a higher level of complexity and intricacy that job - for all that he has suffered - cannot begin to comprehend it, and has no place to challenge it. from job's perspective, he has lost everything for a reason he is still not given knowledge of, only that it's revealed to be a test of his faith. and that it was all to test job's humility and blind trust in god, even in the face of suffering. to trust in god's plans which are, that is to say, ineffable.

but we never do actually see the aftermath of job; he gets everything back, sure, but the twist in the GO telling of the story is that aziraphale and our beloved bildad the shuhite get involved, and prevent the worst offence - the children being killed - from happening. arguably, this could have been part of god's plan; that aziraphale and crowley have their own free will to interfere in something that they think is wrong, and make the choice themselves to put it right. (i do think that there is stock in this; aziraphale doesn't fall for defying god's will (as he understands it to be), nor for lying in order to do so - when arguably, if he is subverting god's will, he should. that would suggest that either god is being extra nice to aziraphale specifically, that god doesn't care, and/or it was god's will... possibly all three). but what we don't see is where this all leaves job; can we at all be certain that job would walk away from this experience still trusting in god? surely that's an unfathomable thing to ask, given the circumstances?

which is where, in an incredibly roundabout way, i arrive back to the wager; if we say that complete belief and trust in god is a requisite for entering heaven, who could say that in the face of all the suffering that god has seemingly perpetuated, that anyone would still have unshakeable faith in god?

so, what benefit does souls entering heaven have for god? arguably none - does god give a toss one way or the other? wouldn't the point be that humanity should choose to do good for the benefit of their fellow humans, whilst on earth, rather than with any concrete promise that doing so would earn them a reward? wouldn't that promise arguably interfere with free will - sway them to behaviour that they otherwise wouldn't choose? does god care if humans are good or bad in the first place?

which then draws into question why heaven would require aziraphale to do good on earth at all; heaven definitely, now that you put it the way you have, doesn't seem to have any drive in collecting souls the way that hell seems to, so what is even the point of the pretence? we know that aziraphale has the power, conscious or otherwise, to influence big groups of people (and potentially - a matter of speculation - his entire surroundings and community), so why is he only ordered to do things on a small scale? why get aziraphale to do blessings and influence people towards the Light at all, if they don't care either way about humanity being good enough to enter heaven? if god doesn't care either way? so suffice to say; how much of it is a distraction? is it a distraction, meant for aziraphale personally? is he operating to a smokescreen, being kept busy, to prevent him from doing something else?

(and considering back to the cut 1800 scene, gabriel says that aziraphale's promotion was in recognition of aziraphale's 6000-year dedication to duty... and yet the only dutiful obligation he notes is thwarting crowley. furthermore, if aziraphale were to return to heaven, gabriel idly proposed replacing him with michael - if the job of being on earth, in order to thwart hell's own representative, is too low even for aziraphale's promoted rank (regardless of what that exact rank would be), why would they replace him with an archangel? the archangel michael? it's possibly something of nothing, but right now that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me; not unless there's something about aziraphale that would mean heaven wants to keep a closer eye on him, under the guise of a promotion... which if we consider how s2 ended, may well be the case, regardless of how it ended up actualising in the show)

but that doesn't necessarily answer why hell seems to collect souls at some point during the process; as you say, hastur and ligur do their part in corrupting humanity to win souls for satan, so there must be a point where, when humans die, hell yanks their soul down into hell for admission, away from god. in any case, hell definitely seems to have more than their fair share of them, and along with the remark on understaffing, this seems to go hand-in-hand with the dwindling power. if hell is running low on the (figuratively) good stuff because of the sheer scale of the damned population, and miracles are fuelled by power in hell, then it makes sense that from the bottom-up that there'd be a rationing on power. so why continue pulling souls into hell? presumably no one's noticed or thought out the above potential correlation; they're still tenacious in winning souls for hell, regardless of the strain it's putting on it. or perhaps they have - beelzebub's short-staffed line in ep6 would suggest it - but they keep doing it anyway.

alternatively, how far do we look to scripture when considering what god's will is for humanity? jesus says in john 14 that his disciples know how to get to the place where jesus is going*, that jesus himself is the way, and that when he dies that he will pave the way for humanity to find their abode with god - and paves that way through his death... so from that, can we be certain that heaven in GO even exists to house humanity's souls until the point of the last judgement (and heaven and earth is brought together) - is that even heaven's purpose? wouldnt the thought here be that those souls exist, are housed and abide, in god/jesus' presence or spirit, until such a point that they are brought back in their own resurrection, reunited with their own bodies, in the new creation of heaven on earth - as per revelation? is this not-here-nor-there state the cold place that humans go when they die? looking to scripture for a black-and-white answer to the heaven problem in the context of GO isn't wholly helpful, but it's interesting to consider the possibility that, actually, no souls go to heaven in the first place, and that regardless of any heavenly influence on earth, souls are kept in some kind of stasis with god until the point that heaven and earth are brought together. hence why they don't need to win them; because it isn't the purpose of heaven in the first place.

(*and with that i am off to hunt for clues in ep3.)

it's interesting to note furfur's situation with this in mind; as an admissions demon, processing the umpteenth 'otto' must be pretty mind-numbing, and yet he's enticed by a position in temptations - a position that works to corrupt more of humanity to end up in hell. highly likely this is just personal ambition - so he escapes the doldrums of his current job, and instead into one that would allow some degree of variety - rather than because he has any drive to bring more souls to hell as part of an ulterior agenda. we have hastur's remark in s1 that the goal is to win over souls for satan, which would also track with the bet on job - that if god's favourite, and most faithful, human can be corrupted to denounce that faith, then anyone can.

in which case, is it just an egotistical display of power on satan's part? to flex on god and heaven that humanity cannot be saved, because it's easy to pull them into hell anyway? is it more personal; that if satan and his followers must suffer as a result of breaking away from god, then so too must the rest of god's creation - hence the drive to pull souls into hell, despite the strain that it places on hell as a result? but if the second coming, and the last judgement, is upon us anyway, the joining of heaven and earth, there is presumably no room for hell, demons, or the damned (presumably because they are not in the BOL) - revelation would support this... however much john maybe needed to lay off the mushrooms. that they will be cast into a lake of fire, satan will be bound for a thousand years before being allowed a last chance to bring about the destruction of the kingdom, and then be cast into the lake himself. is it all a plan to destroy the kingdom before it comes?

alternatively it could be something like you've mentioned from butler - that all souls first go to hell, and it's thereafter an elaborate test to eventually lift themselves from damnation on their own, to find god and be saved? perhaps similarly it depends on how humans evaluate their own deeds - that they themselves feel that they deserve to go to hell. neither of those feel particularly right, for different reasons, but it's interesting to think about.