#why do i need to consume feelings and chaos as part of my diet

[amberinn]

Feel like David Chiem rn the way I stir up negative pointless chaos in a server and drain everyone of their energy/give people headaches/confuse them

like damn i pulled out an ep 12 david impression out of my ass

worst of all i finally feel sort of okay

like I've come back to life for just a moment and found genuine enjoyment in something to the point I feel happy again

[shushiyuii]

Atlantic Runaways (Part 3)

Lol we got part 3, which is mainly just a lot of fluff and plot developement uwu

Warnings: Mentions of smoking, vore, trauma? Swearing.

Words: 1.8K+

He rolled in bed as his alarm went off, the familiar tune of the able sisters calling him into awakening. Much to his displeasure. How dare this alarm tell him to get up when wait- shit! He had a job!

He came to his thoughts as he shot out of bed, checking his phone to see that the alarm was late. “SHIT!”. But then stopped for a minute, he remembered it was a Saturday. Why would his alarm be going off on his day off?

Then he realised he was going too late for his meeting with Tubbo.

He grabbed his hoodie, rushed downstairs and ran across the street to the nearby park that he and Tubbo would meet up in.

As he ran his best friend came into view, with an unamused face of course. “Tubbo! My man!”. He managed to get out as he came to a halt, panting his lungs out. “About time, you dickhead!”.

“Sorry! Sorry! A lot of things happened yesterday…”. It came out almost abrupt but confusing as the reality of yesterday’s events were finally hitting him. No wonder he overslept, he was exhausted.

“You okay Toms?”. He snapped out of his mind and looked to Tubbo, “Fine! How about we grab some coffee from the café?”, “Sure, but I’m not grabbing coffee. I’m getting hot chocolate!”.

…

“Tubbo, it’s the middle of fucking summer…”, “THAT WILL NOT STOP ME FROM CONSUMING AND ENJOYING MY CHOCOLATEY BEVERAGE!”.

The two made their way to the café in the middle of the park, it was quite a famous public area so many people frequented the place. They took their orders, the hot chocolate and coffee with a side of biscuits. Because Tommy didn’t have breakfast.

The two just sat on their phones for a moment, the atmosphere of awkwardness raising, it was apparent to Tubbo that something was off about Tommy, he was normally more hyperactive, talkative, and well, energetic. Something was clearly on his mind, and he didn’t want to talk.

But Tubbo was determined to get answers. The drinks soon arrived and Tubbo put away his phone, sipping at his hot chocolate. Ignoring the boiling temperature in favour of looking dramatic. He looked at Tommy with narrowed eyes, but his attention was focused on his phone.

“So…”. Tubbo spoke up, Tommy’s attention went from his phone to Tubbo. “What’s up?”, Tommy asked while furrowing an eyebrow, Tubbo was acting differently.

“What’s going on? You’re acting differently.”. Tubbo usual tone is gone, replaced with a serious one. Oh god, it was a serious one. Did he do something? Was he suspicious? He didn’t really want to tell Tubbo what had happened.

“Uhh, nothing?”. Tubbo slammed his fist on the table. “Okay! Okay! Maybe almost got murdered yesterday at work?...”. Tubbo always held a level of intimidation so Tommy couldn’t help and spit it out, much to his displeasure.

“What?”, Tubbo spoke quietly, not wanting to get more attention from the customers that were already staring at them.  “Okay, let’s finish this outside.”.

The two then quickly ate their biscuits and finished their drinks, Tommy grabbing a can of Coca Cola on the way out. The two then made their way to their usual bench, secluded from the rest of the park.

“So, what do you mean you almost got killed?!”, Tubbo asked the moment they sat down. Tommy almost choked on his cola. “Right uhm…”. He tried to find a way to put it.

“Basically, you know that trainer guy who was really sketchy?”, “Yeah…”. “Basically, he threw me into the water with a dangerous Mer? Well, not really dangerous now... But-“. Tubbo slapped a hand over Tommy’s mouth and pinched his own nose and sighed. “Slowly.”.

Tommy in turned sighed when his mouth was released, he was going to have to go into more detail. “Trainer guy I was working under was treating Wilbur like shit, course me and Wilbur weren’t on the best of terms but that isn’t a right to treat a creature like us like total shit! So, I stood up for em’ “.

He continued, “In turn, he got mad and pushed me into the water. As you know I’m not the brightest out there and I didn’t manage to suck in any air. So, I was drowning…”. “That’s how you almost died?...”.

Tommy looked down and nodded, his arms hugging himself. Tubbo comforted him with a hug, rubbing his back as Tommy leaned into the touch. “Mhm…”. He mumbled. The two stayed there for a moment, in comforting silence.

“How did you get out?” he asked once Tommy had calmed down. “I- Wilbur saved me. I don’t know why but he did, he fucking ate me while doing it too!”, “What?!”.

“Turns out some Mers have what’s called a brooding pouch, a place where they store young. Wilbur put me there for a while”. “Wait- Brooding pouch?! He ate you but didn’t eat you?”. Tubbo said in confusion to which made Tommy laugh.

“Yeah, turns out he can speak too! So, now I can actually talk to the bitch! And now we’re friends, I guess? Well, that and he actually comforted me after what happened, so after all that I walked home at whatever time it was and fell asleep.”.

Tubbo went straight into protective mode, hugging Tommy with a lot of strength, “I’m glad you’re alive! But Wilbur, you think you guys are friends?”. “I guess so, he seemed rather friendlier than usual”.

“Whatever it is, be careful. He could still be dangerous!”, “I will don’t worry! I just, I feel bad for Wilbur. I’m gonna try and do whatever I can to help… Wait- how come you’re okay with all this?”.

“Because I know you Toms, and I know I won’t be able to stop you even if I tried so you have my support, okay? If you need a hand lemme know”.

The two did their usual antics after that, playing around and such like they have since childhood and after all that he went to bed.

…

The next day went by quickly as he was mainly playing games and stuff. He tried to think of plans, something of what he could do to help Wilbur.

…

He woke up with a lot of energy that morning, he had plans and he knew that work is going to be absolute chaos.

The moment he arrived at work that day there was a sort of rush of anxiety and excitement, he was excited to see Wilbur again but also scared of the fact of how Wilbur would react.

He walked past the halls and into Wilbur’s containment. There stood the trainer, sitting on a stand, smoking his darn cigarette.  

He heard the door open and looked over to see Tommy. His eyes widened in shock, coughing as he clumsily inhaled his cigarette. “Y-you’re!”. “Yeah, I’m alive. Shut it”.

The man opened his mouth and stood up, approaching Tommy menacingly. Tommy’s confidence faded as he brought up his arms to shield himself from the man. But the man didn’t even stand a chance as water splashed around the two.

And there was Wilbur, barring his sharp teeth, his eyes dilated as he saw the man staring down at his trainer. The trainer immediately backed off when he saw the Mer, running away cowardly out of the room. Leaving him and Wilbur alone.

Tommy looked nervously to Wilbur whose harsh expression turned softer as he looked down at Tommy, he leaned down to Tommy’s height. “You, okay?”. “Yeah, fine. Thanks Wil.”.

Wilbur smiled as he brought out his hand, offering it to Tommy to which he looked down at it in confusion, to which Wilbur responded by just picking him up completely. “Glad to see you’re okay, I’ve been worried”. He nuzzled Tommy.

“Oi, stop it bitch!”. It made Wilbur laugh. “Why are you so cuddly?!”, “You should know this, it’s common knowledge for mers”. Tommy took a minute to understand what he meant then the realisation hit him.

“Right, you bitches get attached to things easily”. And in response, Wilbur brought a claw to gently rub Tommy’s hair. “Right there, gremlin boy!”. “I am no gremlin!”.

The two then settled down with Wilbur swimming around in his small pool, which honestly made Tommy cringe with how small it was. “You hungry?”, he yelled out as he pulled out a heavy bucket towards the pool, it was filled to the brim with fish.

Wilbur popped his head out of the water, “Always hungry, honestly”. He swam towards the end of the pool where Tommy was, “Right”. He brought the bucket to Wilbur, to which Wilbur opened his mouth wide.

Tommy could make out the many sharp fangs, he could easily be swallowed whole. It freaked him out, he shrieked and stepped back. Wilbur closed his mouth and tilted his head in confusion at Tommy’s sudden yells. “What’s wrong?”.

“N-nothing, just you kinda scared me for a second “, “Oh! Sorry! Just thought you’d feed me like that”. “O-oh…”. Tommy then took a breath and came back close to Wilbur, Wilbur picked up on what Wilbur was doing and opened his mouth back up.

He then threw the bucket of fish into Wilbur’s mouth, who immediately swallowed the fish. Although not normally a part of a whale mer’s diet, it was the only thing that he could really give Wilbur to eat out here.

Wilbur then went back to swimming whilst Tommy laid his feet in the water and surprisingly, Wilbur didn’t mind it.

“So. Uhm- you okay Wil?”, “Just fine, Tommy” he answered as he swam. Fortunately, Mers could hear just as well from above the water, even if they were underwater. So, the conversation would be rather normal.

“How are you feeling after that day?”, “Fine, I talked to a friend about it. Got it off my mind and shit.”, “You told somebody about me?”, his tone changed. Tommy looked to Wilbur, “Y-yeah, I hope that’s okay!”, “Are they trustworthy?”, “Yeah!”, “Okay.”.

There was another moment of silence until Tommy spoke up, “Wilbur, don’t you hate being here?”. “Yes, I do, I absolutely despise it here. I hated it the moment I got here”, “Do you wanna go back to the ocean?”.

…

“Yes I do, but that isn’t possible.”.

“What if it is though?”.

“Tommy, you’d have to be a maniac in order to pull off an operation on your own”.

“Well I am a maniac, I’ll do it!”.

“Toms-“.

“Let’s run away Wilbur!”.

…

 “Tommy!” Wilbur pinched his nose and sighed, “I get it, you wanna help and I’m all up for it. But it’s dangerous. I don’t want you getting hurt”.

“It’ll be fine Wilbur! Come on! Don’t you wanna get out of here?!”. Wilbur looked to Tommy who had determined eyes, he couldn’t help it, he found them adorable. He sighed again, “Finee, but we’re going to be really careful about this okay?”.

Tommy smiled and stood up, reached out for Wilbur, Wilbur happily hugged him back with his hand. It made Tommy laugh, which brought a smile to Tommy’s face.

“We’ll run away!”.

[mallorytaylorblog]

8th January, 2020! My first post of the year.

Wow okay, so about a month since my last blog post. Time flies when you’re having fun I guess.

I’m just gunna go ahead and get a bit word vomitty.

So. I’m going drug and alcohol free. Most likely for good. And I want to share why.

In October last year after about a 12 month break from booze - and I say break lightly because I was a rare drinker to begin with - I started drinking a little red wine with dinner for the health benefits. I mean I do love me some good anti-oxidants. However I’ve realised alcohol is just not for me and I don’t care enough for it to participate. I had my partying fun during my teens and early 20′s but never fully subscribed to the Aussie binge drinking culture. I digress...

The main reasons I decided to give up alcohol include (in no particular order): a) it’s expensive b) it doesn’t taste very nice unless it’s in something sugary c) I hate how I feel when I’m drunk (I don’t like not having control over my body) d) it provides little to no physical health benefits, and e) it used to provide me with confidence and a feeling of belonging that I just don’t need any more.

Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. It impairs motor and cognitive function. Given its knack for being a social lubricant I had my fun with it as a young adult like most people do, but now it’s not necessary. There’s not much to it than that, really. It’s expensive, doesn’t taste great, hangovers are shit, and I’ve developed a sense of self that doesn’t require boosting with liquid courage. Also, if I’m trying to be my best and healthiest and happiest version of my self there’s just not a whole lot of room in my diet for alcohol. So, cya!

As for the drugs part of it too... that has been a work in progress. In the past two years I totally became a bit of a stoner. I wasn’t shy about it to those close to me and it was definitely something fun to socialise over/with, but the longer I indulged the more of a shameful dirty secret it became and the harder it was to just let it go. I noticed when I consumed weed regularly I became lethargic, short with my moods and snappy, and stopped caring about or chasing the things I usually loved, like gym or catching up with friends. It made me anxious at times, especially in social situations so I found I occasionally needed to smoke to relax so I could be in public.

It was a fun thing my boyfriend and I did together when we started dating, and honestly it probably made us super close, super fast - we spoke openly about so many things when we started dating and we got to know some deep parts of our personalities and histories. Also, it was just fucking fun. Watching movies and eating food and having sex and giggling your ass off is all enhanced and made better when you’re high. But the novelty wore off after a while, and the munchies became binge sessions that gave me worries my previously disordered eating patterns would be ignited again. It also didn’t feel amazing waking up super tired even though I’d just slept for 10 hours because I ate a whole pizza and some poutine 20 minutes before I promptly fell asleep on the couch. For someone as productive and ambitious and health conscious as myself it became more of a hindrance than something fun to do with my boyfriend or mates. I appreciated the social lubricant affect it had (in different ways to alcohol) but ripping daily bongs isn't conducive to the monumental life I want to live and I’ve honestly been trying to kick the habit for a few months. I also had my first ever panic attack while high on edibles. So I’m saying goodbye to weed as well.

Other drugs, well.. I was never really a fan. I’ve always said I’ll try anything twice, but after trying mushrooms and LSD for the first time in 2019 once is most definitely enough for me.

I’m also reconsidering my uni degree. Doing a psychology degree is so full on and time consuming, and although I love the subject matter I’m really struggling to maintain a quality of life with the study hours I need to commit to, especially on top of working full time, gym and my relationships. Even though I’ve tried to discourage myself from “quitting” uni because the time will pass anyway, it’s honestly super daunting to know I’ll be studying for a minimum of six years and have another minimum two years of supervised practice before I can become a registered psychologist. I’m considering looking into youth counselling and what options I have there as I’d love to work with young adults. I really just want to help people take control of their psyche and when I think of my future career I see myself talking on stage to hundreds if not thousands of people. I’m trying to get over the stigma I have surrounding using the terms “coach” or “motivational speaker” but I do believe my career choice will include me mentoring or coaching others in the area of personal development. I know this is in my path because every time I think about what excites me those images and terms come to mind instantly, and at the same time I feel terrified of being successful; the voice in my head starts to tell me I’m not worthy of or the right person for the job. Which is only serves to further fuel my fire for it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a personal development jUnKiE is that that voice inside your head that tells you you can’t do things or you’re not good enough is actually highlighting areas in which you lack self esteem, and therefore must be challenged and overcome so that you can experience radical growth. It tells you exactly where you need to go and what you need to work on. It’s hard to hear the message sometimes because we get caught up in listening to the self-deprecation. We buy into the stories that inner voice tells us about ourselves and our capabilities, but we get to choose what we believe and we get to choose who to listen to. I’m choosing to listen to my intuition and find all the ways the voice inside my head is wrong. I believe I am worthy of success and I believe I have the ability to help thousands of people.

In addition to the bullshit stories, I’m also giving up all the bullshit excuses I’ve made for myself thus far. I believe this wholeheartedly and I’ve said it so many times but I am the creator of my own life, and I am exactly where I am because of the choices I’ve made. And it’s actually bullshit that I don’t even take my own advice. So I’m really working hard this year on making choices that will serve me long term, instead of giving in to instant gratification. I’ll elaborate more on this in another post I think.

Amongst all the chaos going on in the world right now, I figured one way to help the world is to be on my game and my best self every day so that I can help get the best out of everyone else. A little love and kindness goes a long way.

It’s super fucking late and I’m tired. I definitely want to write more on this but it will have to wait for another day. Thanks for reading!

xoxo

[rumowrites]

Knight in Shining Armour

Here is the first One-Shot of the Dragon Prince Motorcycle Race Au!

Since the main story is still missing, here are the main characters and a little personal info:

Runaan is a 27 y/o engineer who owns his own company and is a MotoGP racer. His bike is called Moonshadow. He's currently leading the international scores. His sponsors are a pain in the ass.

Sol/Tinker is 25 y/o and an engineering college drop out due to financial reasons. He works as Runaan's only mechanic after the other met him in a diner he'd been working at in the middle of the night and hired him right away.

Lujannne is 45 y/o and Runaan's personal assistant, head secretary and responsible for media presence. With out her, the whole company would be a burning pile of chaos. Yes, she gets paid enough for this shit.

Warnings: very mild sexual content

Enjoy! And remember the AU is open for everybody to create in if you like! I will post character sheets if anyone is interested:)

~ ◇ ~ ◇ ~ ◇ ~ ◇ ~ ◇ ~

Sol looked up from the blueprints of the Moonshadow he'd been going over in silence for the past hour and stepped closer to the hydraulic bench where his boss was currently laying under said motorcycle. There had been some irregularities in the past test run and neither knew where it came from. “Hey, I think I found it.” He exclaimed, pointing at the folder in his hand.

The sudden sound apparently startled the other because Runaan jerked away, kicking a stack of crates in the process that immediately started to tip over. “Shit” barley a whisper left his lips as he frantically tried to free his hands from the engine block. Sol instinctively reached for the two falling crates, dropping the folder. He cringed a little under the weight of the spare parts but held them securely in his grasp.

When he glanced down, he was faced with a very startled engineer, eyes as big as saucers and hands still stuck between the parts he'd been working on. “T-thank you.” From his position on the floor, he had a great view on Sol's admittedly impressive biceps and he suddenly felt his mouth going dry. Runaan then busied himself with freeing his hands to hide the slight blush on his face while the mechanic placed the two crates on the ground beside them, offering a hand to pull him up. “Impressive catch. Those are heavy, I would know, I put them there.” A chuckle escaped his lips and he added “Thanks for the safe. Broken Ribs so close to the season would have been pretty inconvenient.” Sol rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, tousling the messy dark hair in the process. “No problem, I sometimes work as a blacksmith on Ren fairs, there is a lot of heavy lifting involved.” That sparked his interest, Renaissance Fairs and Medieval Markets were among his favourite things to visit. Primarily because the people going there would never recognize him. “Really? I used to do European sword fighting and archery in college.” Sol beamed, apparently pleased that they had something more to talk about than just their mutual interest in work. “Yeah, they paid pretty well for a broke college student and I enjoy the work on the forge. Besides the people are really nice.” Runaan nodded, recalling memories of past camps with the people in his Re-enactment group. “Will you do it again this year?” maybe he should dig out his old Tabard and sword to go and visit the other on a fair. It would clearly be a delight to get to know a little about the work of a smith. The image of Sol working on a forge flitted through his mind, but he quickly shook it off. Not the time to have those thoughts. The other had meanwhile picked up the folder and searched for the page he'd been on. “I suppose I will do one or two this year should I have the time. I don't need the money anymore, but I think I'd miss it.” Runaan hummed looking at the space his mechanic pointed at. “You think we moved that too far up the last time?” Sol nodded “Yeah it's one of the few things we did change, and the rest was pretty minor.” He shrugged looking over at his bike that was still propped up on the stand “Well it's worth a shot.”

That evening, the racer pulled out his phone and searched through the contacts. After a few rings, a deep voice answered. “I didn't think to hear from you again since you got that racing thing going on now.” Runaan had to smirk, his instructor hadn't changed one bit in the last three years. “Are you still giving private lessons?”

The first training session turned out to be very humiliating on his part. He hadn't expected to be as good as three years ago of course but the change in exercise since then wasn't exactly contributing to his swordsmanship. Sure, it kept him on the weight and general fitness level required by his sponsors, but he missed the familiar rush of adrenaline of a sport he actually enjoyed. Safe for Racing of course.

Despite being kicked around his private gym for three hours, he hadn't enjoyed anything as much as the training with Max in the last few weeks. His fitness tracker also informed him of an exceptional high caloric consumption, and they agreed to meet again the next day and the weeks after that. The impromptu Archery session he'd started afterwards went a lot better. Apparently, it proved to be skill you didn’t loose. Like riding a bike, the muscle memory was strong. Even though he hit less bull’s-eyes than he used to, it only took a few rounds to get back into it. Lujanne watched him re-organise his home gym with barley concealed amusement as soon as the targets he'd ordered arrived. “I thought you were supposed to stick to your training schedule?” of course he was but he'd checked the stats of the last few days and his chosen training was much more effective. “I'm sure you've checked the data from my tracker. It works so let me at least choose how I slave away for the sponsors. You know that my motivation to exercise would be way higher if I actually enjoyed it.” She rolled her eyes but didn't object, knowing that it would be useless anyways. Her boss could be very adamant once he'd set his mind on something.

Since his overall mood improved considerably during the weeks after changing the training schedule the personal assistant figured it was for the best.

When Sol entered the garage that day, he found his employer in a broody mood, nibbling on a carrot while he tapped away on one of the tablets to review the changes they'd made the day before. The Ashtray which was normally placed outside in the front yard was now filled with cigarette stubs and perched on the table next to him. His boss had the habit of stress-smoking when he was unnerved, and Sol didn’t like that particular trait at all. It was not that he minded the smell but something inside of him wanted to ensure the other’s wellbeing. However, he knew that the racer would forget about it as soon as they started working. It was more of a coping mechanism for left-over energy, really.

“Hey what's got you in such a sour mood?” usually Runaan was always at least a little bit excited when they worked together. The look he got in return was more than pained. As if the carrot was the object of his misery, he looked at it in disdain and then back to Sol. “They put me on a diet.” Even the tone in his voice was miserable. He couldn't within but wince in sympathy. In the past he'd come to know the other's love for food especially since the racer had to follow a certain meal plan already. “I'm sorry. Might I ask why? You look normal enough to me.” Again, the pained look. “Thanks? I only gained about 2 and half pounds but they want me to loose it before the next race so only vegetables for me.“ as if to prove his point, he took a bite off the carrot and rolled his eyes. “You know what the worst thing is? I'd have understood if they wanted me to drop fat, but the two I gained are muscle. Do you know how hard it is to loose them again?” he would've laughed at the tragedy in front of him if it wasn't so sad. He could basically feel the grief of every missed meal in the future hanging in the air in front of him. “I mean I worked hard for those two pounds. Why am I not allowed to keep them?” now he really had to chuckle. “Come on it's not that bad. You'll have them gone in no time. Let's start working so you can think of something else.” Runaan groaned but obeyed as soon as he pulled over a chair and opened the other stats from the day before. Work was something that always managed to capture the engineer's interest.

When he returned the next day, his boss had a salad bowl full of cucumber pieces next to him. “What the hell is that?” these must’ve been more than six cucumbers to fill that thing. “Cucumbers?” he rolled his eyes at the reply. “I can see that. But how many did you slaughter for this?”

“Hey, cut me some slack, they are mostly water, so I can eat them. And I intend to do that if I’m not supposed to turn into the hangriest person you'll ever witness. And it were eight.” Were? So, he'd already consumed about two? “Don't they get boring after number four?” Sol couldn't help but tease him a bit. It was way too entertaining not to. “I haven't had anything besides raw vegetables for two days so, yes. But if I don't eat anything, I will crawl those walls in no time.” During the following week it turned out that hungry Runaan was, as he’d promised, absolutely no fun to be around. He was extra grateful for the times Lujanne came around and occupied both of them with other things. She apparently knew how to handle the situation and brought some food that was low in calories but still relatively substantial.

It took about one and a half weeks until the nutritionist came around for a visit. It was the first time Sol had seen the man and he was immediately annoyed by this person. The guy was dressed like a suburban dad and looked the way. However he cleared the racer and left him a new meal plan including a box of premade meals for the week before vanishing again. The look on his employer’s face as he pulled the first one out of the microwave was priceless. Lujanne even snickered at the sheer worship with which he handled the fried rice with brussels sprouts and grilled chicken. “Don't laugh Janne! You have no idea how it feels like to survive on nothing but plant turned water for twelve days.” She just rolled her eyes and playfully hit the back of his head. “Remember you got that race in a few days so stick to the plan.” He nodded absently, inhaling the scent of his first real meal in days with watery eyes. “Are you about to cry over food?” Sol was still perched on one of the barstools and now munched on an apple with a shit eating grin on his face. “Maybe?” he took the plate and flopped down on a stool next to the mechanic with a deep sigh. “I will absolutely raid a steakhouse as soon as the last two races are over.” The short haired man had to laugh at the way his eyes rolled back in his skull once he took the first bite. “Happy?” a muffled groan seemed to answer his question. “Oh god yes, you have no idea. I was short of killing someone for real food.” Sol shook his head “Yeah, I noticed.” The next time this happened he was so going to take a vacation. Next to him he could see Runaan wince “Sorry about that. I know I'm not good company when I'm hungry.” Now he had to grin “That's the understatement of the century but don't worry I don't take it personally.” His boss started to laugh. “I'm glad.” To his astonishment, the whole food had already disappeared. With newfound energy, the racer hopped down from the barstool “Come on, let's get to work!” He rolled his eyes but followed down into the garage, nonetheless.

Sol turned the glinting piece of metal he'd been working on in the fire, waiting for it to reach the right temperature. Once it was glowing a soft yellow, he placed it on the anvil and began shaping it. Despite the relatively early hour there were already some people standing around his tent, watching him work. He smiled at the kids who looked at the forge with awe and walked over to them once he'd returned the metal to the embers to answer their questions. He'd missed the Fairs and was happy to be able to participate in one now that the racing season was officially over.

Lujanne grinned wolfishly as soon as her boss came down from his bedroom, dressed for the Renaissance Fair she knew the mechanic was currently working at. She’d just dropped by to deliver some reports from the science department and was immediately happy that she was able to witness this. Runaan was dressed in wide dark blue linen pants that were tucked into knee-high leather boots and a slightly dirty sleeveless white linen shirt under a dark blue leather vest. Both articles were only done halfway, giving her a good view on the crescent tattoo on his chest. The personal assistant watched as he fastened the sword belt around his hips and reached for the quiver laying on the kitchen counter, slinging it over his shoulder in one swift movement. “Fancy” she smirked “I like the braids, you should wear them more often.” He had his long white hair braided away on the sides of his head, creating the illusion of an undercut. The top part was slightly teased upwards in a mohawk fashion. Silver beads and rings were worked into the braids and little clasps held them together. The engineer let a hand wander up to feel the entwined strands he'd created in the same manner he used to wear in his Re-enactment group. “Thank you. Is there anything that needs my immediate attention? Otherwise I got a cab waiting outside.” She shook her head and followed him to the door instead. “No. Have fun with the handsome mechanic.”

Immediately, Runaan could feel his face heat up. “I have no Idea what you are talking about.” She only laughed and clapped him on the back “Yes, you do. You need to get laid.” In that moment he was sure his entire skin resembled a tomato. “Lujanne!” he exclaimed but the older woman was already inside her car. The engineer contemplated not going just to proove a point but quickly decided against it. She could think whatever she liked.

The Fair was just like he remembered it to be. Filled with people dressed in various styles of different eras and lined with stands selling crafts and food. He was glad how well he blended in despite his slightly eccentric outfit. Especially the hair. But he'd always been a bit particular about it, keeping it that long and all. Here at least nobody judged. He'd even applied some coal and eyeliner around his eyes for good measure. The Market was fairly large, and it took Runaan a considerable amount of time until he found his employees tent. He may have also taken his time to get there not entirely sure how Sol would react to his visit.

When he finally spotted a familiar figure repeatedly swinging a hammer down onto the anvil in front of him, his mouth went completely dry. The other was clad in nothing but dirty red linen pants and a leather apron, skin already glistering with sweat and streaks of ash from the fire. This was so much better than he'd imagined. He tracked the movement of Sol's muscles as the smith shaped the glinting metal in front of him with practiced ease and was subconsciously drawn closer. More people were gathered around, watching the work and suddenly Runaan found himself standing among them. He kept to the back of the crowd until Sol had answered everyone's questions and announced a short lunch break before he'd continue the work. The engineer waited for the other people to leave before stepping closer.

Sol was currently stowing his tools and peeled his skin from the leather apron as he sensed movement behind him. Maybe another visitor? He turned, only to stop dead in his tracks. There, against the tent pole leaned Runaan. His boss was clad in the fashion of a rouge and had a sword at his side such as a bow and a quiver full of arrows slung across his back. He looked very much attractive, the long white hair done in a set of intricate braids. And was that eyeliner? For a second he thought he imagined the whole scene but then, the other smirked “Hey, I hope you don't mind me dropping by. It's been far too long since my last fair.” His brain was still adjusting to the unusual sight as he looked around for a shirt. “Ah, n-no not at all.” Sol desperately tried to focus on Runaan's face and not the way most of his admittedly very defined chest was exposed by the outfit he wore. “I can show you around if you like.” The engineer smiled and nodded “Sure, if you don't mind.” when one of the girls from the food stand across the path came running by. “Hey Tink, have you finished the clasp, yet?” he'd known her for a few years since her family often came to the same Fairs. “Ah, Mina yes just a moment.” He turned to get it as her attention fell on the tall stranger standing by the tent. “Hi, who are you? I haven't seen you around before.” Sol could hear the familiar sound of a smile in the melodic voice as he answered. “My name is Runaan, pleased to make your acquaintance M'lady .” The white haired man even performed a bow and kissed her hand. Mina giggled with delight at the curtesy and pointed at his long hair. “Did you bleach it?” count on that girl to always ask the strangest questions. The other didn't seem bothered by it though and gave her a smile. “No it's a gene defect. It's always been this way.” She gasped in awe, pulling Sol's sleeve. “It's really pretty don't you think?” he nodded in agreement “Yeah it is. Here is your clasp.” The girl ran her hand over the simple Celtic design before jumping up and throwing her arms around his neck for a hug. “It's really beautiful. Thank you, Tink.” He laughed at her enthusiasm and gently ruffled her hair once she was back on the ground. “Your welcome.”

Her gaze flicked between them a few times before she turned to Runaan again. “How do you know each other?”

“He's my boss.” Sol supplied as a warning for her to stop prodding. He might have told her of his crush the evening bevor after a little bit too much of her self-made honey mead. Mina, thank the stars, immediately understood and threw him a knowing glance before turning to leave. “Have fun then, and see you around!” she was gone as fast as she'd appeared in the first place. “So Tink, huh?” Runaan grinned at his involuntary groan, still leaning against the pole. “It's, um, it's kind of my nickname? People started calling me Tinker after I fixed some of their things and it kind of got stuck.” The other simply smiled in response “I like it. Suits you.” It caused a warm feeling to spread in his stomach, replacing the nervousness he'd felt before. “Thanks. Come on, I know where we can get the best smoked meat sandwiches.” The mention of food got his boss to perk up and he had to laugh at the eager reaction. “Did they let you off the seasons meal plan, yet?” the next race wasn't for another four months after all. “Yes and I intend to use that to my advantage while I still can.” Sol found his enthusiasm towards any kind of food adorable. At the same time he felt sorry his job didn't allow him to exploit that particular interest.

True to his word, the sandwiches, which were actually a loaf of freshly baked bread filled with beef and bbq sauce, were fantastic and he had to smile seeing the heart-eyes Runaan made at his food after the first bite. “Oh my god-“ he mumbled “-what kind of drug did they put in here?” that made even the woman behind the stand laugh “Glad you enjoy it so much, lad.” Apparently unaware that he'd voiced his thoughts out loud, the engineer turned a shade pinker and hid behind the bread in his hands. “Don't mind him, he's still recovering from a diet.” Sol pulled him along to a few trees where they could sit down in the shade, the woman's hearty laughter following them. After finishing their lunch, he showed Runaan his favourite places of the Fair before returning to his tent to continue working. His boss wandered off after a couple minutes to find a few targets to shoot and he was glad for the chance to order his thoughts.

Until now, his crush had been securely contained but the object of said crush suddenly turning up dressed like a mix between fighter and sex god didn't help his situation at all. There weren't any people around, most of them eating, and he wasn't sure if he'd been able to deal with any should some show up. Mina came around as soon as she realized he was alone again. “You chose a hot one.” The girl stated as she hopped onto the work table, dangling her legs. “I know” it sounded a lot more whining than he cared to admit. “I think he likes you, too.” That got his attention “Really?” she nodded, expression sincere. “I saw him staring at you when he arrived. And nobody dresses like that if they don't want to impress someone, knowingly or not.” Her words sparked some hope in his heart. Maybe he could carefully test the waters? Drop a few unsuspicious hints? Mina seemed to read his silence correctly because she hopped down again, encouragingly clapping his arm. “Go get him, tiger.” And she was gone again. Sometimes he wasn't sure if he only imagined her presence.

He busied himself with work when a familiar figure approached his tent. “Garret, I really don't want to talk to you.” His ex was the last person he wanted to see today. “Come on, I just want to say hi.” He sighed and turned towards the broad-shouldered man in chainmail. “Please leave. I've told you we're through.” Sol turned back to the anvil then, continuing his work, determined to ignore the other's presence. His ex however had different plans and rounded the workspace to stand in front of him. “Give me another chance, Tink. I told you I'm sorry.” How dared he? Anger flared up in his chest and he shoved the glinting iron in the other's face, forcing him to take a few steps back. “You cheated on me, repeatedly. I will warn you one last time, don't come near me again.” He could see the familiar fury rise in Garrets eyes and prepared for a fight when another figure stepped up besides him, flanking his right side. “Is there a problem?” Runaan looked calm enough but held his hand on the pommel of the sword strapped to his side, ready to draw. “That's none of your business.” Garret’s voice was now filled with venom and he stepped closer again. “We have some private business to conduct here.” In that moment, Sol wondered once more why he'd ever bared with the guy in the first place. “No, we don't. Garret, leave.” He underlined the statement with a pointed look at the tent flap but apparently the other didn't receive the message and took a step forward instead.

To his surprise, Sol was suddenly faced with a face full of white hair as his boss stepped between them, seizing the other up as if to determine whether he'd be able to win a fight. “It is my business when someone threatens my employees. Especially if said employee is the best mechanic we've ever had. Please leave.” His voice was calm and commanding but he could hear the faint note of a threat swing with it. Still amazed that Runaan would stand up for him even though he didn't know what for, he reacted too late as his Ex lashed out. The punch was poorly aimed and collided heavily with the long-haired's crossed forearms. His boss however didn't budge an inch but also made no move for a counter attack. He simply stood his ground, staring the larger man down. “I will ask you one last time to leave Sol alone.” This time, he could hear barley concealed anger welling off of him. Garret took another step closer, so he could stare down on both of them. “You want to fight for the little shit? Fine. Let's take this outside.” This time, Runaan laughed “Oh, I'm sure he could easily fight for himself but if you insist.” Before storming off, his ex turned one last time. “At the show fight pit in ten minutes, don't pussy out.”

Once he was gone Sol shook the other's shoulders violently “That's a really bad idea. He's pretty good at the fighting. Please don't do that.” Runaan simply smirked, stilling the hands on his arms “I'll be fine. Don't worry. What's his problem with you anyways?” a deep sigh escaped his lips. He'd tried to avoid them meeting. “He's my Ex. He cheated on me, I left him about a year ago. I don't know what I saw in him in the first place to be honest.” The white haired man winced in sympathy. “From my limited experience with this person I would guess you're better off without him.” Sol had to laugh “Yeah, you don't say.” But the thought of them fighting had him immediately back in an anxious mood. “You know, I meant it. You shouldn't fight him. I don't want you to get hurt on my account.” After a moment he realized how that had sounded and quickly added “Besides Lujanne would have my head if I bring you back with a broken arm.”

However Runaan was having none of it. “I appreciate your concern but I am going to be fine. I will face Janne's wrath afterwards.” Tink sighed, he knew that face. It was the same one he made when insisting to try some reckless stunt on the track and meant his mind was set on it. “Don't you dare complain about a broken bone afterwards. I warned you.”

When they arrived at the show fight pit, Garret was already waiting there with a few of his friends, now without the chainmaille. At least he had the decency to not fight in full armour against someone clad in linen. Runaan took off the quiver and handed it to him together with the black recurve bow. “Watch over Luna, will you?” Of course he would have named the bow. Sol shook his head a little in amusement and also took the leather vest, tucking the things under his arm. “Wait!” he exclaimed before his boss could enter the pit. He pulled him back and whispered “He's got a weak defence on his lower right and his left ankle gives out under too much pressure.” With a smirk, the other nodded. “Thanks”

As soon as he’d jumped the fence of the pit Mina appeared at Sol's side slightly panicked. “Please tell me it's not what I think it is? Garret has been telling everyone he'd be wiping the floor with your new boyfriend.” He massaged his temples with one hand, grimacing “Sadly it is.” She paled a little “Should I alert the medics?” but he shook his head, determined to put at least a little trust in his boss. “No not yet, I want to see how it goes first. Maybe it will be fine.” Mina scoffed “Yeah sure. Garret's got at least a eighty pounds on him.” But she obediently stayed by his side, snuggling a bit closer as the pair in the pit began to circle each other. A little crowd of visitors and vendors alike had gathered, sensing this wouldn't be a regular show-fight.

Garret struck first but his opponent evaded the blow without even blocking it, sword cutting trough the air uselessly. Furious at the miss, the larger man attacked again, missing another time. They repeated the charade a few times until Garret was fuming. “Stay still you coward!” his boss chuckled but kept his distance, continuing to dance around the other. Somehow Sol was not surprised. The bastard sword in his hands looked used and had probably seen his fair share of fights. A little weight lifted off of him seeing Runaan wasn't already laying face down in the dirt as he’d expected.

A minute or two passed until the white haired man decided he'd evaded enough and started to actually fight. His style was different than what he'd seen before, more fluent. “Finally decided to fight me?” Garret huffed out between two breaths and suddenly Sol understood what the other had been doing. Tiring his opponent out was smart. Especially when the other had the strength advantage. They clashed swords repeatedly and even though both of them used dulled blades, he could imagine the pain they'd cause should they actually hit one another. Meanwhile, a larger crowd had gathered around them, seemingly interested in the fight. “He's actually pretty good.” Mina whispered beside him, pulling the mechanic out of his daydreams. “Yeah, I still worry.” She scooted a little closer squeezing his shoulder. It turned out he worried rightfully when Garret managed to get hold of his opponents neck somehow. He didn't see how exactly it happened but Runaan must have not been fast enough for once. Sol could see the realization on his boss' face as the pommel of Garret's sword neared his face and caught him right across the forehead. Unable to evade it, he just managed to stop some of the force with his free left hand. When the bigger man let go of his neck and pushed him to the floor, he dropped to his knees and Sol was just short of jumping the fence and running towards if Mina hadn't grabbed his hand. “Wait.” In front of them Runaan looked up to meet Sol's eyes before flicking his gaze further up at Garret with a grin. He wiped away the blood running down his nose and slowly stood up while his opponent came walking towards him, twirling the sword in his right hand. “Haven't you had enough?” his ex also dropped back into a fighting stance. “I'm still standing aren’t I?” the question was delivered with a surprisingly fast attack. Apparently Runaan had decided it was time to go into the offensive. The fight was more intense this time, people even started cheering like in a pub brawl. This time, the engineer clearly kept the upper hand. He moved faster, putting his whole Energy in speed, and made sure to stay out of the other's reach when he wasn't attacking. Somehow it even increased Sol's anxiety. By now, both of the fighters were covered in new bruises and scrapes but neither seemed inclined to yield. He quickly noticed that Runaan always hit with the flat side of his sword, decreasing the amount of damage he dealt. Still, he managed to get Garret on his back four times in a row, always giving him time to get up again. Evidentially both were keen to stick to the rules in that perspective. “Yield already!” the larger man huffed, starting a new attack that only found air. “Oh please after you.” Even though also breathing heavily by now, his boss seemed more energetic. He'd remind him of that the next time he complained about cardio, Tink thought a small smile creeping on his face. It took another ten minutes until he'd worn Garret down enough to disarm him every time he tried to attack. After four futile attempts, the other gave in and held up his hands. “Fine, you win.” He spat, leaving the field “Have fun with that looser.”

It turned out that had been the wrong thing to say because Runaan was by his side in an instant, swiping his legs and pushing the larger man to the ground with his knee on the other's chest. “If I see you bothering him again, I will find you and then you'd wish you'd broken both my arms when you had the chance.” It was quiet enough for only Garret to hear but the anger in his eyes reached Sol before he let go of him again, turning to walk away.

Tink wondered what he'd said to the other but he doubted it was something pleasant. The crowd made way for the white haired man as he vaulted over the fence, making his way towards Sol and Mina. The girl disappeared again with the promise to find some water and a few tissues for his face and left the pair to themselves. “You are hurt.” The mechanic tried his best to sound displeased even though he was glad of the relatively good outcome of the fight. Runaan's grin was tinted a light red that indicated he'd probably also bit his tongue during the exchange. “I’m fine it's just a little blood.” He shook his head, grabbing the other's arm to lead him back to his tent. “A little blood my ass. I’m pretty sure you are also concussed.” His boss chuckled but let himself being led away without struggle. “Calm down, you are worse than Lujanne.” Sol huffed “And you are reckless as hell. But then, we already knew that.” He grumbled searching through his stuff for a clean towel. Thankfully Mina appeared soon enough with a bowl of water and a washcloth, handing them to Tink. He pointed to a chair “Sit” Runaan obeyed and watched him wet the cloth, not twitching away when he moved to dab it at his nose. “Do you think it's broken?” he asked, eyeing the blood that was still trickling down his face suspiciously. The engineer shook his head slightly “No that feels differently.”

Sol stopped “How do you-“ but then shook his head “You know what? Never mind.” The other raised a shaped white eyebrow but chose to remain silent in favour of the cloth dabbing away the blood on his face.

Runaan had to look away from his employees concentrated expression when the urge to just grab and kiss him got too strong. After all, he still didn't know whether he was interested or not and there was no way he would jeopardize their friendship for that. At Sol's insistence, he stayed by the forge, perched on an unused spot of the worktable with his legs drawn up. “There is no way I let you get out there again when Garret and his friends are still there.” He didn't object as it gave him the opportunity to drink in the sight of a very hot smith working shirtless on the forge. For hours. Mina came around occasionally to see if they were both still okay and every once in a while a visitor would either ask or buy something. But otherwise they were alone. Sometimes, Tink would explain what he was doing and he’d ask questions about either technique or functionality of the finished products. It was a nice change from work and Runaan enjoyed being the one without any knowledge, eager to learn what fascinated the other in the work he was doing.

Eventually, dawn neared and soon, the fire was the only thing lighting up the tent as the sun slowly set between the trees. “The people working at the camp usually gather around the fires in the yard once the visitors have left, would you like to come with?” Sol suddenly asked “If, um, if you don’t have to be anywhere that is.” He checked his phone but besides two messages from Lujanne asking if he’d scored the mechanic, yet there was nothing of importance, so he shook his head. “No, they will survive a day without me, I think. I would love to come.” A warm feeling spread in his chest at the beaming smile Sol regarded him with in response. “Great, let me just get the forge down to a safe temperature.” He watched him close some of the air vents until the fire died down to a soft glint.

When they arrived in the yard, dozes of little fires were already burning and almost the whole staff had gathered around to enjoy the evening. Runaan recognized the people he’d shot a few targets with earlier and walked over when the smith excused himself to get something to drink for them. “Hey man are you okay? We saw the fight earlier. Garret is such a dick I’m glad he already left.” One of them greeted. “Yeah, I’m fine. Though I would prefer to let that stay a one-time experience. I’ve had more fun fights.” He other two nodded solemnly “He deserved it. Especially after the shit he pulled with our favourite smith last year it was bold of him to turn up here again.” Runaan furrowed his brows “It’s not really my place to ask but what happened? Sol seemed pretty upset.” the girl on his right shook her head “Nah, it’s really no secret around here. That Dickhead cheated on Tink with two guys at the same time. I mean that’s just shitty. And he wouldn’t leave him alone when he ended things. We even had to throw him out of the camp.” Multiple grim nods in their immediate surrounding confirmed her statement. “Now I kind of wish I hit him harder.” Runaan mumbled, still angry at the guy he hardly knew. How dared he do that to such a nice person? Someone patted his back and the group erupted in laughter. “Trust me you bruised his ego enough. How long have you two been together?” every drop of blood in his body immediately froze. “How long have we- What?” he repeated, choking on the words tumbling out of his mouth. The girl who’d spoken earlier looked confused. “We thought you were an item. Aren’t you?” He shook his head frantically, a violent blush spreading up until it even covered his ears. “N-no. We, um, we work together. I’m kind of his boss?” At the mention of work, the group exchanged knowing glances. “So, you are the mysterious employer of the mysterious job he isn’t allowed to talk about? What do you even work as? All we know is that he’s a mechanic.” She prodded, asking what everyone wanted to know. He hesitated for a moment but eventually decided it would do no harm if a group of Re-enactors knew his face. “I’m a MotoGP racer. Sol is my fist and only mechanic. He also helps me in development for my company. I’m an engineer when I don’t race.” They all stared at him for a second seemingly trying to connect the slightly dirty guy in sweat-stained linen clothes to one of the famous racers. “Wait!” one of them said “Your name was Runaan right?” he nodded “So you’re the owner of Moonshadow inc? And built the fastest bike on the track at the moment?” Great, why would one of the medieval nerds be interested in racing? “Yes, why?” he already prepared himself for a series of questions, but the guy only shrugged. “I would have pictured you older.” Relief washed over him, being spared the unwanted attention. “Thanks?” The conversation steered back to Archery after that and he was glad about the change of topic that allowed him to regain some of his composure before Sol returned, handing him a cup of steaming honey mead.

He let himself get pulled away by the short haired man and they sat down with Mina by one of the fires. The group exchanged stories of past Fairs and Runaan was contend listening to all of them. It made him happy to see Sol talk so feely with the other Re-enactors and how well everybody seemed to like the smith. When nobody forced him to interact, big groups of people weren’t that bad. He found the men and women around him to be exceptional easy company in comparison to the high society snobs he usually had to deal with. It reminded him of his old Re-enactment club during college. He was pulled from his musings as Sol tapped his shoulder and offered him a glazed apple. Apparently, his expression must have been really funny since multiple people in his immediate surrounding laughed as he took the precious treat. The smith only smiled at him and shushed the rest with a chuckle “Don’t be mean. He usually isn’t allowed to eat sweets.” They all fell silent with expressions of sympathy and then continued their previous conversations. Runaan really admired the acceptance among the group even though they hardly even knew him. “I’m pretty sure you earned that after the fight you delivered earlier.” Sol bit into a glazed apple, himself and motioned for him to do the same. “Go on, they are really good.” A little reluctantly, the engineer took the first bite and was immediately in food heaven. The sweetness of the sugar worked well with the general sour taste of the fruit. “Oh my god.” He exclaimed “I forgot how they taste like.” The other smiled at the expression of pure glee. “Careful Tink, you might break him.” Someone shouted but Runaan couldn’t find himself bothered by it. He was glad to finally be able to meet Sol’s friends but also a little sad that he couldn’t offer him the same.

The night went on and soon everybody was positively tipsy. Some people even started to sing and dance around one of the bigger fires. He surveyed the scene when someone suddenly brushed his back. Turning around, he found Sol’s gaze who had wrapped a thick wool blanket around both their shoulders, his face slightly flushed from the alcohol. It had turned cold somewhere during the last hour and Runaan realized just now that he was shivering. “Thank you.” He smiled and scooted a little closer, surprised by the other’s radiant body heat. The smith simply shrugged but returned his smile “You seemed cold.” He nodded, drawing the tip of the blanket up in front of him. “How come you aren’t?” another shrug “I guess my internal heating system works a little too well?” he hummed in agreement, contend in the pocket of warmth created around them.

Even though he greatly enjoyed the company he was in, it got too much at some point. Too many different snippets of conversation found their way into his brain and it grew harder to blend them out. “I’m going to take a walk.” He informed Sol before stealthily distancing himself from the group of people. The clear night air calmed him immediately and he wandered the camp until he found a nice place under a tree to sit. Far enough from the other’s to be quiet and largely shielded from view. Runaan leaned his head back against the tree trunk, admiring the stars that appeared in he night sky. He wasn’t sure how long he’d sat there but after a while he heard soft footsteps coming closer. Sol sat down next to him, wrapping them once again in the blanket he’d brought. He’d began to shiver again. “Sorry I ditched you. I’m not good with many people.” He tried to explain but the excuse sounded hollow in his ears. The mechanic regarded him with a warm smile nevertheless “It’s okay. They can be a bit much.” That was not what he’d meant to say. “N-no, they are great, really. I just struggle when I’m around too many unfamiliar people for a long time.” Now that he thought about it, Runaan found it pretty pathetic on his part. They had all been so nice and he still wasn’t able to stick around for longer than a few hours. “That’s fine. I’m glad you still decided to stay as long as you did. I think I haven’t thanked you yet for helping out with Garret.” The engineer shook his head “Don’t mention it. From what I heard he had it coming.” Tink nodded a little sadly “Yeah. However, thanks to you he will probably stay away for good this time.”

He offered a smile, subconsciously shuffling closer to the other “I that case, I’m glad I could be of service.” Their faces were awfully close now. So close that Runaan could see the stars reflected in Sol’s enticing eyes. His throat went dry as he instinctively bit his lip to keep himself from doing something he’d regret. There were little freckles on the other’s cheeks, partially covered by smears of coal and dirt. Some of the dark hair had fallen down, obstructing part of the view. He knew he was staring but couldn’t for the love of god pull his eyes away from the beautiful man in front of him. Green-gold orbs with barley dilated pupils stared back at him and when he flicked his gaze down to the smith’s lips, he found them slightly parted, a small puff of hot breath appearing in the cold air. Said air suddenly got trapped inside his lungs as his rapidly beating heart drowned out all other sound. Runaan licked his bottom lip, slowly closing the distance without his brain having any say in it. Sparks erupted behind his closed eyes when Sol met him halfway, reaching up cup his face carefully as if he has afraid to break him.

Deepening the kiss and desperate to get closer to the object of his desire, the engineer sank his hand in-between the dark curls and pulled him forward until Sol was placed in his lap. Warm hands started to roam his chest, tracing the pattern of his tattoo. He grinned against Sol’s lips. Getting a hold of the hem of his shirt, he slipped his nimble fingers under it, caressing the soft warm skin underneath. “Mhmn” the smith seemed to agree with his plan and wiggled a little closer, burying his face in Runaan’s neck and letting butterfly kisses trail along his collarbone and up again to claim his mouth.

Every thought of doubt was erased from his mind as he struggled to get as close as humanly possible to Tink. By now, their chests were touching and the dark haired man had his knees placed on either side of him so he was straddling his hips, hands still roaming over the skin exposed by the front of his shirt. Eventually, they had to break apart to breathe, both of them panting slightly from the unexpected outcome of this evening. “Tent?” Sol asked, struggling to his feet. “Oh god, yes.” His own voice a low growl, Runaan let himself being pulled up by the other and together they raced through the campsite, keen to avoid anyone else. As soon as the dark red tent came into view, he felt the mechanic quickening his pace, grabbing his hand to drag him along. Once inside, Sol fumbled with a few knots which held up one of the side panels, hands trembling. When he finally managed to get them to fall down, only the soft red of the fire illuminated the inside of the tent, tinting the other’s hair a flaming orange.

Slowly, tentatively, Runaan stepped up in his personal space, giving him plenty of time to change his mind before hoisting him up in his arms. “Are you sure?” it sounded uncertain, voice a low rumble heavy with emotion. He nodded “Mmmhm” their second kiss was soft and caring while the engineer carried him over to the mattress and heap of blankets he’d placed in a secluded part of the tent. Runaan carefully set him down, supporting his own weight with hands braced on either side of his head. The white hair was tousled by now, some strands falling out of the braids and into Sol’s face. In that moment, he swore he’d never seen anyone as beautiful. Dark turquoise eyes sparkled above him, scanning his every move with dilated pupils. “God you are perfect.” The other murmured, leaning down for another kiss. Instinctively, Tink wrapped his hands around his neck and forced Runaan down on his forearms, closing the distance between their bodies. The taller man let out a soft yelp at the sudden loss of balance but caught himself quickly enough without crushing him. “Sorry” he whispered against his lips, drawing a chuckle out that vibrated through both their bodies. “Don’t apologize.” It was something Runaan thought Sol did too often. “You should never apologize.”

On a relatively clear moment, he turned and reached over to the tracker on his wrist, activating the pre-installed private mode. “Aren’t you gonna take it off?” Tink cringed a little at the thought of someone getting hold of that data. “No way, do you know how many calories I intend to burn?” he couldn’t supress the full out laughter that bubbled up his throat at the sincere tone. “Don’t worry it doesn’t transmit anything this way.” Runaan breathed into his ear, gently nipping at his earlobe in the process. Sol had to bite down on his fist to stifle an involuntary groan. They were in a tent after all and tents had zero to none soundproofing. “Y-you are, Hnhhggnn, you are crazy.” He managed, reaching out pull the other further down to return the favour. “So, Aaaah, so I’ve been t-told.”

Something bright shone into his eyes, uncomfortable even through the closed eyelids. Runaan moved his hand to block it, blinking slowly until his eyes adjusted to the light. He was in a tent. Pushing himself up, the engineer let his gaze wander around the space and shivered a little at the cold air tickling his skin. Looking down at himself, he came to another realisation. He was naked. He was in a tent and naked. Suddenly the events from last night came flooding back into his memory. The fight, the fire, the kiss- the kiss.... “Shit” he breathed, running a shaky hand through the remnants of his once braided hair. How could he have done that? Runaan prayed his actions hadn't cost him their friendship. Sol wasn't here after all and that was a bad sign in his experience. Manly because he was usually the one to leave and knew exactly what that meant. A glance on his tracker made him stop again. 11:23am. How long had he been sleeping? He tapped away on the little screen, pulling up the chart displaying his sleep time. Seven hours? He never managed to sleep that much in a row, much less undisturbed by insomnia.

Just now he realized that there were people moving about outside, their chatter seeping through the thick tent cloth. The back of the tent he was currently occupying was secluded from the rest by a curtain, effectively blocking his sight on the outside world and vice versa. Grateful for at least a little bit of privacy in his flustered state, Runaan slowly stood up to collect his clothing. He found his pants and underwear easily enough, them being the closest items to the mattress on the floor. The engineer felt immediately better after pulling them on, now at least able to preserve his modesty should someone enter. After a few minutes of rummaging, he also produced one of his boots and the sword belt Sol had been so eager to get off of him last night. He pushed the memory back when he felt warmth pooling in his stomach area, still able to recall the feeling of the others fingers on his hips and- ‘No' he scolded himself. That was not the kind of thought he needed right now.

Despite turning over every item in his surrounding, Runaan wasn't able to find his shirt nor the missing second boot. With a sigh, he used the little mirror fastened to one of the tent poles to at least fix his white hair from ‘I just had sex' to ‘It's meant to be this way'.

The engineer soon realized he would have to leave the tent eventually and if only to find his missing clothes. Barefoot, he tapped over to the curtain and carefully peeked through it. Sol was talking to three elderly women but otherwise the coast seemed clear. Spotting his belt pouch that most likely contained his phone and some cigarettes, god did he want one right now, he sneaked outside to get it. A cab would be his saving grace.

However one of the Ladies made his plan disappear into thin air when she gasped and pointed at him. “Sir there is a man in your tent.” Shit, so much for making a quiet escape. Sol was surprisingly unfazed and didn't even turn around. “Ah, yes that's Runaan. Runaan, say hi to these lovely ladies.” His voice was warm, affectionate and completely caught the engineer off guard. “Uh, um Hi?” he tried, wincing at the gravelly sound. The trio returned the greeting reluctantly, still suspicious of his presence.

Sol chose that moment to grab a cup that was placed near the fire to keep it warm and walk up to him, placing a soft kiss on his lips as he pushed it into Runaan's hands. “Good morning sleepy head, I got you some coffee.” Both himself and the three ladies seemed equally shocked by the gesture. He opened his mouth to say something but snapped it shut again. Busying himself with the coffee instead. What did just happen? The smith returned to tend to his customers, leaving his boss? Lover? Boyfriend? alone again. Just then, Mina spotted him from across the path and waved enthusiastically. Without even realizing he tentatively waved back, still certain to be caught in a dream.

He needed a smoke. Now. Placing the empty coffee cup on the worktable, he reached for his pouch with trembling hands and pulled out the box of cigarettes. Runaan lighted one on the glowing embers and leaned back against the table, taking a long, deep pull. It needed longer than usual for the calming effect to set in and he was already lighting the second one on the glinting stub of the first when the trio finished their purchase. They smiled as Sol bid them goodbye and one of them even waved at him. The engineer raised his hand in acknowledgement still bewildered by the surreal calm. Nobody was kicking him out. That was a first.

“Hey, are you okay?” the smith suddenly appeared in front of him, grimacing as the smoke reached his nose. “Um, yeah, I'm fine.” The frown on the other's face only deepened. “You look troubled and-“ he pointed at the now third cigarette between his fingers “-you stress smoke.” Runaan sighed, keeping it perched on his lips despite the disapproving look it earned him. “I expected you to kick me out.” Bewilderment flickered over Sol's beautiful face “Why would I do that?” he shrugged, drawing almost the whole cigarette in one to gain some courage. “I don't know? Maybe you would’ve regretted last night?” the confusion in the other's eyes only intensified. “Why would I regret it? Do you?” Runaan found that he did, in fact, not regret a thing. Also a first. “N-no.” He stuttered, letting go of the cigarette butt as it burned his hand. He subconsciously reached for the pack to get another one but Sol was faster. “I will be taking these.” He announced despite his involuntary whine. “So why would you think I'd regret it.” The smith was awfully close now, close enough to smell the distinct note of fire on his skin. “I, um. You, well, you weren't there when I woke up and I thought-I thought you might’ve ditched me and-“ he didn't get any further because suddenly, their lips were clashing and Sol chased the taste of nicotine off his tongue with coffee and something distinctively him. “I would never just ditch you.” The other said after pulling away again. Runaan swallowed “So we're good?” he dared to ask tentatively. A nod in confirmation lifted a boulder the size of this entire state off his heart. “Of course we are. As long as you still want this?” he nodded immediately, blurting out a “Yes!” before he could even think about it.

Sol beamed in return and pecked his lips again “Great! I will get us something to eat.” And dashed out of the tent. He busied himself with observing the passing people and noticed that the members of Tink's Re-enactment group all smiled when they saw him. He waved and smiled back. Maybe this wasn't so bad.

[weightlosstransforming-blog]

7 tips for weight loss

Many of us planned to start eating right or at least control this process, go in for sports and in general become more active. Why do we turn away from the chosen path? Perhaps you just lack awareness. The brain and body must be properly prepared for change. Here is some useful advice that will help you achieve the desired goal.

1. Set specific objectives

Very often we set ourselves abstract tasks. The question “How would I lose weight?” Is too broad. Try to think more specifically. For example: "I want to lose 3 kg in a month to get into my favorite pants." This is a very specific goal. And in order to achieve it, you just need to reduce the calorie content of the weekly menu by 3500 kcal and start doing exercises three times a week.

Mathematical calculation is very important here. For example, to prepare for a marathon, you need to train three times a week for an hour and a half for 4 months. The distance of 7 km can be easily overcome by running for 40 minutes three times a week for 7 weeks. When the goal and the ways to achieve it are described specifically, it is much easier to act.

2. Review your diet

Each person’s body burns a different amount of calories. Losing weight is difficult without counting them. Find out how many calories you burn. For example, if you are 18–30 years old, multiply your age by 6.7 and add 487. If you are over 31, multiply the weight by 4 and add 829. Then multiply the resulting number by the activity coefficient: 1.3 (if you lead a sedentary lifestyle), 1.5 (if you exercise a few times a week.), 1.6 (If you exercise more than 4 times a week.), 1.9 (if you are a professional athlete).

The resulting number is your daily calorie intake to maintain optimal weight. Want to lose weight? Consume fewer calories and burn more. But do not starve, otherwise, the metabolism will slow down. It is better to plan in advance 3-4 different meals per day. If necessary, pack food into containers and take it to your work.

3. Adjust your body

Exercise is an integral part of the process. But rushing right off the bat is wrong. The body needs to be prepared for the load. If you have never practiced, start with a simple walk and press exercises at home. Then connect such workout like yoga, pilates, and aqua aerobics. Then you can try a serious strength training. You should have at least one day off from a sport per week.

4. Do not feel sorry for yourself

Become your harshest judge and critic. Excuses such as “I can not lose weight because I work a lot, feel stress and deserve tasty encouragement. And I don’t have time for sports” spoil the whole thing. Changing habits is always difficult.

5. Put things in order

The lack of a schedule makes it difficult to manage energy. Convince yourself that the mess in business and plans adversely affects both work and personal life. Especially since this is true because chaos only harms.

6. Do not listen to others

“You cannot run 5 km right now because you are too lazy/fat/have eaten cake for breakfast.” We hear such comments from parents, teachers, colleagues, etc. They can negate all good beginnings.

Perhaps they are right, and today you really will not run 5 km. But maybe you can run two and a half. Or at the very moment when you want to stop, a second wind will open and you will reach the finish line. Check for yourself!

7. Overcome yourself

You can stop at any time. As soon as you realize that it is hard for you, you can give up and go on a familiar chocolate-coffee diet. Or you can go to the store and make yourself a tasty and healthy salad.

Overcoming difficulties is not an easy task. Moreover, the fear of failure makes us weaker. For example, when you do pushups and feel that the forces are leaving you, you can stop and stay where you were, or do a couple more pushups and overcome yourself.

[ppatibandla]

My Quarter Life Crisis

Told in a Series of Saved Snapchats

In about four days from now, I’m going to turn 26, which made me think that this might be a great time to reflect on year 25 of my life.

And well, also because I’m going through a post new year slump. You know, the point of time when you realize that you’re not sticking to any of your resolutions, you’re still recovering from the holiday season and struggling to get back into the daily grind, blah blah blah.

Since my creativity and productivity are at an all-time low, I figured that maybe if I just write and reflect, it might help get the juices flowing in my brain again. And I obviously had to tell my story in the most stereotypically millennial way possible - illustrated by a series of Snapchats that I’d saved over the year! :D

Sooo, back to 25 - the milestone number, the axis of our twenties, the pinnacle of our youth *eye roll*- was it everything I’d hoped it would be? Absolutely freakin not! Why? 

Well to start, I spent most of the first half of my 25th year, sick as a dog. I’m not sure what exactly happened but sometime in 2016, my immunity decided to go on a vacation.

Pretty sure I had brought it upon myself with my love for Indomie and Chunky Monkey (I’m sorry, mama!), but my body was suddenly no longer capable of fighting bad bugs on its own.

I was on antibiotics for various infections, eight different times in a span of fewer than six months. The amount and dosages I was prescribed caused absolute chaos in my body. 

Two months into my 25th year, after a particularly high antibiotics course, my stomach was pretty upset (common antibiotic side effect). I waited for the effects to fade away, but they never did. One week in, three weeks in, one month in, two months in…...my stomach was still chronically upset. When I say “upset”, you’re probably visualizing explosive diarrhea but it wasn’t that. I could literally not eat any food without my stomach bloating, having immobilizing cramps and feeling extreme pressure and fullness.

Now, all of these symptoms might not seem like a big deal, but imagine if this is your constant state of being where you’re always aware of the discomfort in your stomach. Imagine if the only time you feel relief is when you wake up in the morning because your stomach is empty then. Imagine if anything you put in your mouth is accompanied by the anticipation and fear of feeling like crap for the rest of the day. This was my life for months.

The doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, they said I probably had Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Now those who are familiar with IBS will also know that it is basically a medical pseudonym for “we don’t know what the hell is wrong with your stomach”. I didn’t even know what the problem was in order to look for a solution! So to fix myself, I had to turn to the last place I wanted to for help - the internet.

When you look up a sickness on the internet, it can actually be really helpful or it can fill you with a crippling fear and conviction that you’re going to die. But I had no choice because my doctor had sent me home with this very wonderful, completely unhelpful advice: 

“Well all your tests seem normal. Just wash your hands more and get more sleep so you don’t fall sick.”

*crickets*. This is what you went to med school for, lady? Thanks, much. >:-[

Also, everyone and their dog is a doctor on the internet. You have no clue who out there actually knows what they’re talking about and who is click-baiting you. 

Norma here would have made a much better doctor!

After trudging through hundreds of websites, I began my experimentation with the different remedies that Dr. Internet prescribed, in the hopes that it would give me some relief.

I tried three-day juice cleanses (juice only diet) and water fasts. This is supposed to help reset your stomach by giving it a break from digesting food. I received temporary relief but the moment I started eating again, my discomfort would return.

I avoided foods known to cause intolerance for months like gluten, dairy, soy, eggs, caffeine etc.

On a side note, I never realized how difficult life is when you have to actively check for and avoid ingredients like gluten, which wipes out more than half the options available to consume. My utmost respect for people who have to do this on a regular basis!

But that wasn’t helpful either because my condition was seemingly random, not caused (though exacerbated) by any particular kind of food.

I tried more antibiotics (look up Xifaxan, you need to sell a kidney to even afford this medication) and a ton of herbal drugs. Seriously, while my peers were out spending their money on vacation and parties, I was spending all of mine on expensive herbs and probiotics which promised results, but sadly never delivered. The herbal stuff was especially scary because it’s not regulated by the FDA - I was gambling with trying to fix my problem at the cost of causing new problems for my body.  

And of course, I also tried more obvious things like yoga, crying, praying and what not, all in a desperate attempt to fix myself. I was trying to go about my daily life and work with a semblance of normalcy but I felt anything but normal. 

There I was at 25, prime of my youth, unable to consume food, taking fistfuls of pills every night and avoiding eating any actual food, just so I didn’t have to deal with the discomfort. I lost a bunch of weight and the stress took the biggest toll on me, making my condition even worse. As if all of this was not bad enough, various members of my immediate family were having serious health issues as well which was further upsetting me.

Finally, sick of my constant visits, the doctor recommended that I get an Upper Endoscopy - a procedure where they shove a camera down your throat to look inside your stomach to make sure you don’t have cancer or a tumor.

$800 and the awful experience of having a minor surgery all alone later, the doctor came back and told me the same thing - my tests were normal! He suggested getting some other tests done too and kept talking, but as I laid there in bed in my shitty hospital gown and listened to him talk, I totally had a dramatic, bollywoodesque moment. I felt the doctor’s voice fade into the background as I made up my mind that I was fine. I covered all my grounds, did all the tests, tired all the remedies which yielded no results. I decided right then and there that I was going to be fine, even if I wasn’t.

And I swear to God, it felt like a switch had flipped and my body started getting better overnight. That night for dinner, I said “screw this shit” and bought myself pizza - I was eating gluten and dairy after months! I went back to eating everything like normal and ignoring the familiar discomfort I felt in my stomach.

Hell yeah, I post food Snapchats! Judge away!

And just like that in the following weeks, I started feeling so much better. Am I absolutely cured today? Is this going to be a miracle recovery story? Sadly, nope.

I still have pretty bad days when I’m doubled over with pain and I still take many probiotics and supplements every night. IBS is a chronic condition with no cure, it can only be managed. I know that it could be worse and that I should be grateful - I am grateful. But IBS has definitely affected the quality of my life and I will probably never be able to fully go back to how I was before. But I have learned to live with it and it’s just another part of my life now.

These were just some of the herbs, probiotics, supplements, vitamins and prescription meds I took (and still take) over the past year :/

So there you go, adulthood hit me like a brick when I turned 25 by bringing on wonderful IBS and what’s more stereotypically a sign of age than GI issues?  I brought this upon myself because of self-imposed stress. The moment I consciously stopped thinking about it, I gave my body the opportunity to restore itself, at least to a capacity where I was able to go about my daily life with relative ease.

None of the stress I was dealing with was particularly special, it’s stuff we all deal with - career, visa, money, family, friends, romance etc etc. But I let it get to me and it nearly destroyed the one thing that I actually can’t fix if broken - my health.

In addition to being chronic, IBS is also pretty common and affects many people in different forms. I am hoping that my overshare story is relatable to those who suffer from it and for those who don’t, please chill out and don’t mess yourself up over things that don’t really matter like I did. Pretty basic life lesson which we all know but conveniently ignore.

But year 25 was still pretty awesome - I made great new friends (and lost some) and got my H1B visa finally after 3.5 years. IBS definitely did not hold me back from going on many many many adventures. 

A Snapchat montage of all my adventures from year 25.

While I’m super excited for 26, I do feel the twinge of regret because like most people my age, I’m nowhere near what I thought I would be by now. But a big part of growing up is realizing that the world sucks, it’s not fair, there’re always going to be men with bad hair and no intelligence (read Trump) trying to control you and there ain’t nothing you can do about it. It’s all about accepting that success is defined differently for everyone, that you can’t change everything and being okay with that. It took me a totally avoidable physical and mental crisis to realize that. Here’s me hoping that your journey to self actualization is smoother!

P.S Before you click through and start reading my older blog posts, please note that everything before this was from when I was younger, dumber and not nearly as woke. 

[lindafrancois]

How Much Water Do I Really Need? (A Guide for Proper Hydration)

So you want to know, “How much water should I drink a day?”

The short answer: drink enough to not be thirsty (maybe slightly more).

The long answer: read this guide for that!

Proper water consumption is a must for health and fitness, which is why we discuss it with every single member of our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program. We even assign them fun missions to make sure they’re adequately hydrated.

Are you drinking enough water? Let our coaches help you decide!

Here’s what we’ll cover to answer the question, “How much water do you really need?”

Should you drink 8 glasses of water a day? (The controversy)

How much water a day do you really need? (Follow your thirst)

How to drink more water (Tips from a NF Coach)

Can you lose fat by drinking lots of water? (Weight loss and water intake)

Can I be overhydrated? (Too much of a good thing)

Are sports drinks more hydrating than water? (Water, sugar, salt, and you)

Does coffee dehydrate you? (Caffeine as a diuretic)

A note on bottled water (Invest in a water filter)

Staying properly hydrated (Next steps)

Pour yourself a glass of water (duh), then let’s do this thing!

Should You Drink 8 Glasses of Water a Day? (The Controversy)

First and foremost, yes you need water.

Boom. Article done. I’m going on break.

I kid, I kid.

Water is good for you; a significant portion of your body is composed of water, and when you lose fluids through sweat, exertion, bodily functions, etc, consuming water can help you replenish fluids.

HOWEVER…

The whole “8 glasses of water a day” thing is not law. 

In fact, there’s no real proof of this being a proper amount at all.[1]

As we’ve told you before (the perfect workout, the perfect diet), we are all unique snowflakes, and we all require different amounts of water!  

Somebody that exercises with regularity and goes on a lot of long runs will require more water than somebody who exercises less regularly. 

There’s no exact amount of water that works for each person.

So where did this magical “8 glasses of water a day” number initially come from?  

Nobody really knows.  

According to Snopes[2]:

Back in 1945 the Food and Nutrition Board of the National Research Council stated that adults should take in about 2.5 liters of water per day (which is roughly the equivalent of eight glasses of water), but it also noted most of that intake level was already satisfied through the consumption of food without the need for the additional drinking of water.

That’s right, you get a SIGNIFICANT amount of water from the food you are consuming. A huge percentage of our body is water, a huge percentage of the planet is water…why wouldn’t a huge percentage of our food be water too?

So, yes. Consuming water is important. 

But the 8 glasses a day case doesn’t hold water (ha!), as we get a significant portion of our daily H2O from the food we consume.  Things like fruits and vegetables (and even meat) are composed of a tremendous amount of water, all of which counts towards our ‘hydration quotient’ for the day.

Do you know what else counts? 

EVERY OTHER BEVERAGE WE DRINK!

Things like tea, coffee, even dreaded sugary beverages, milk, and juices, and even alcoholic beverages. [3] 

How Much Water a Day Do You Really Need? (Follow Your Thirst)

So you now know you don’t need to always drink 8 glasses of water.

It could be less and it could be more. 

So how much exactly do you need?

Honestly? Drink when you are thirsty. 

That’s it. I’m going on vacation!

Kidding again. 

Seriously though, your thirst is a pretty damn good indicator of when you should consume more water. Do you think dogs and cats and elephants worry about hydration levels?  

Nope – they simply consume water when their body tells them that they are thirsty.

As nerds, we tend to overthink, overanalyze, and drive ourselves crazy with too much info.

Now, if you happen to be one of those people that needs MORE advice than that, check your urine color.

Weird, I know.

This chart provides a great test for the proper shade of urine: 

You want to aim (not literally) for the first three categories from the top, or “lemonade” color.  

If your pee is starting to resemble Lemon Lime Gatorade (4th category down), you’re dehydrated. From here, the darker and browner the color, the more dehydrated you are. 

If your pee comes out a different color altogether, I would probably seek medical attention immediately. You’re welcome 🙂

What if your pee doesn’t have ANY color to it? You might actually be “overhydrated,” which we talk about in this section.

So what are the telltale signs that something is wrong, that you are dehydrated?

According to the National Institute of Health,[4] your primary signs of dehydration are:

A feeling of thirst (duh)

Dry or sticky mouth

Low or no urine output; urine looks dark yellow

Sunken eyes

Lethargy

If you are feeling one or some of these symptoms, you may be dehydrated. We want to take this seriously, because SEVERE dehydration can be terrible for your health, even resulting in a coma.

Not good. So drink water whenever you get thirsty.

There’s a myth running around that says “if you are feeling thirsty, it’s too late and you’re already dehydrated.”

This is also not true.[5] If you are feeling the signs of dehydration, consuming some water can get you right back on track.

If you are regularly dehydrated, let’s discuss a quick hack to make sure you’re consistently hydrated.

How to Drink More Water

The above video comes from our Daily Win series as part of Nerd Fitness Prime. 

The series is based on quick actions you can take (5 minutes or less) to help you build healthy habits.

In this video Coach Lauren walks you through a quick hack if you find yourself constantly dehydrated during the day: drink a glass of water first thing in the morning!

That way you can start off properly hydrated before the chaos of the day takes over:

It can also help you wake up to seize the day!

Here are some more tips for drinking plenty of water:

Fill up a water bottle before bed, leave it in plain sight, and drink it first thing in the morning.

If you don’t like the taste of water, you can try adding some cucumber slices and mint leaves to your overnight bottle. Your morning water will soak up the flavor!

If cucumbers or mint ain’t your thing, you could also try some frozen berries or some cut-up lemon.

We’ve heard from many of our coaching clients that water first thing in the AM helps them feel more energized throughout their day.

Next, I want to address a question we get quite often from our readers. 

Can You Lose Fat by Drinking Lots of Water? (Weight Loss and Water Intake)

It’s common advice to drink lots of water for weight loss. 

Is it legit? 

Is there any evidence that drinking plenty of water can help one lose weight?

Eh, there’s a little!

One study conducted had two groups go on the same diet, the only difference being one group had 500 ml of water (about 17 ounces) 30 minutes before breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

The result?[6]

The Water Group: lost about 4.4% body fat

 The Non-Mandated Water Group: lost about 1.1% body fat

This isn’t a TREMENDOUS difference, but it is interesting!

What might be going on? 

Here are two reasons why drinking plenty of water might help with weight loss:

You’re full. Drinking water takes up room in your stomach. There is less room now for food, but also other water like drinks (which may have sugar and hidden calories in it, like fruit juice). 

Water consumption may slightly raise your metabolism. I’m not talking a crazy impact here, but one study found your BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate or how many calories you burn at rest) is raised by 24% for 60 minutes after drinking 500 ml (17 oz).[7]

Let’s provide some context here. 

As we address in our guide “Why Can’t I Lose Weight?”, our bodies obey the Laws of Conservation of Energy and Thermodynamics: 

To lose weight, we need to burn more calories than we consume regularly. 

The two factors above might lower your “calories in” and raise your “calories out” respectively (a concept we discuss in our Guide to The CICO Diet). This may help someone get in shape. 

However, I wouldn’t bet the farm (note to self: buy a farm) on solely drinking water for weight loss. When we highlighted the study above on water consumption and weight loss, it’s important to remember that the two groups were both on a calorically restricted diet. It’s not like strategically drinking water alone made people lose weight. 

If you are on a weight loss journey, and wondering what might help, I have two resources for you to check out:

How to Lose Weight Without Dieting (The 5 Rules of Weight Loss): you’ve probably been on a diet before. You might even be on a diet right now. We discuss why they generally don’t work (temporary changes create temporary results) and provide a less conventional but more permanent solution (tiny changes for the win).

Our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program: many of our clients spent years yo-yoing their weight, going from one diet to another. It’s only when working with one of our coaches that they were able to achieve sustainable weight loss. 

Want to lose weight without hating life? Learn how we can help!

I now hear you saying: 

“Okay Steve, I got it. I don’t want to be dehydrated, and drinking water before meals may make me feel full. Why don’t I just start pounding water all day long?”

Great question, my dear friend.   

Can I Be Overhydrated? (Too Much of a Good Thing)

While being properly hydrated is good, it doesn’t mean chugging a gallon of water during your gym session is a good idea either. 

If not, then why is this so common to see?

From Outdoors[8]:

A single individual working for the U.S. military decided that water was a tactical weapon. 

That if the military could be encouraged to drink more during maneuvers, they’d have less heatstroke and less illness and they’d be more productive and could be better soldiers. It was purely his idea. It had no scientific basis at all. 

Two years later he published a paper supposedly saying that if the US soldiers drank 1.9 liters per hour [64 ounces] when they were exercising in the heat they would perform much better. There was utterly no concrete evidence that that was true. 

The problem was, his advice was embraced by the U.S. Military. They changed their drinking guidelines to say that you should now drink 1.9 liters per hour. The same people who drew up those guidelines were then invited by the American College of Sports Medicine to get involved with drawing up guidelines for runners.

In 1996, that culminated with the new American guidelines,[9] which said that you must drink as much as tolerable during exercise, up to 40 ounces per hour. 

That became the mantra—that you had to drink before you became thirsty, and as much as possible during exercise. It was after that the problems of hyponatremia really become problematic around the world.

Combine this with the sports beverage industry (which I’ll skewer in a minute) and the bottled water industry (one of the best scams going, which I’ll get to as well), and you have a marketing engine that won’t slow down:

“Drink before you’re thirsty or it’s too late.”  

“Running a marathon?  It’s better to over hydrate then not drink enough!” 

“Better safe than sorry!”

Actually, you CAN overhydrate, and it can be dangerous – it’s called hyponatremia, it’s an electrolyte imbalance from too much water consumed, and it’s bad news bears.[10]

Want to know the people who suffer from hyponatremia the most?

Marathon and ultra-runners.

Dr. Timothy Noakes, the author of Waterlogged, explains that the overconsumption of water can lead to our body developing a severe imbalance of sodium in our system, which can lead to a litany of side effects, even death.[11]

What Noaks discoveredof people who have dealt with cases of exercise-induced hyponatremia:

“What I’ve found is that all of these people were probably drinking 1.2 liters per hour [40 ounces]. They continue to drink like that for four or five hours. Now, normally, if you’re drinking at that rate, you simply pass it out as urine. 

A person who is overdrinking will start passing urine so frequently that they’ll realize, this is stupid. I’m going to stop drinking.

But what happens in hyponatremia is that, for some reason, the brain interprets that the person is dehydrated and secretes the antidiuretic hormone. As a consequence, that prevents all urine production. 

Although they are sweating, they may be sweating at a rate of 20 ounces per hour, but they are drinking at a rate of 40 ounces per hour. Every hour they are accumulating 20 ounces. You can do that for a couple of hours, but once you’ve accumulated about 60 to 80 ounces of water in your body, all of your tissues become bloated, and the organ that becomes most affected is the brain.

The brain swells, and because it is in a rigid skull, it cannot swell very much. The more it swells, the more pressure, and that eventually squeezes the arteries supplying blood to the brain. Ultimately, there is less oxygen getting to the brain, and certain parts become damaged.“

Not good. 

One 2002 study found that 13% of Boston Marathon runners experienced hyponatremia. While many experience hyponatremia without being in immediate danger, it certainly isn’t healthy.[12]

So, how do you combat this? 

Drink when you are thirsty!  

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!

Time to answer your next question: “If drinking too much water causes an issue with sodium imbalances, what about sports drinks? They have electrolytes and sodium in them!”

Allow me!

Are Sports Drinks More Hydrating Than Water? (Water, Sugar, Salt, and You)

Michael Jordan is famously seen drinking Gatorade during his flu game in 96, which tells us that without Gatorade he wouldn’t have been able to play:

Little do they tell you that Michael also had another secret weapon at his disposal that helped him play up to snuff in that game: apple sauce!

So why is that famous commercial all about Gatorade and not about apple sauce? 

One word, and it rhymes with “honey.”

There’s wayyyy more money in the sports beverage industry, and they can sell on the term “replenish electrolytes” which is actually way simpler to do than they make it out to be.

We’re promised that without the careful combination of electrolytes and ingredients in Gatorade, we’re going to get dehydrated when exercising and suffer.

Here’s what happens: When you sweat, you lose fluids and electrolytes, especially sodium and chloride (which is why your sweat tastes salty…stop tasting your sweat). Now, when you’re lacking fluids and electrolytes, your muscles and performance can suffer.

So that’s where Gatorade ALLEGEDLY will solve all of your problems.

Here’s the truth: unless you are exercising for hours and hours and hours, your electrolyte imbalance will not cause a drop in performance.  If you are exercising for an hour or less, some sips of water to quench your thirst is more than enough. 

If you are exercising for hours upon hours, then additional products may help.

In these instances, Gatorade could help potentially, but there’s nothing in Gatorade that’s magic. It’s sugar, water, sodium, potassium, and then some artificial and natural flavoring to make it taste and look the way it does.

Want the benefits of Gatorade while on your marathon run without having to buy Gatorade? Make your own!

As Al Kavado talks about here, try mixing water, honey, salt, and/or lemon juice. Try different combos (mixing in some OJ or using coconut water!)

And just like that, you have your sodium, some sugars, and rehydration. No fancy marketing required.

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO?  

Do some boring cardio for 20 minutes (which burns a minimal number of calories), and then chug a 32 oz Gatorade (200 calories and 50+ grams of sugar!) and think you’re healthier. 

Negatory!

Water works just fine for 98% of the activities you will ever do.

Does Coffee Dehydrate You? (Caffeine as a Diuretic)

Time to put the myth-busting cap back on: You’ve probably been told that drinking caffeinated beverages will dehydrate you.

That by consuming caffeinated beverages, you’re actually expelling more water than you are consuming.

This is another one of those bits of conventional wisdom that gets blown out of proportion.

Yes, caffeine is a mild diuretic. However, our bodies are pretty darn smart, and because all drinks are composed almost entirely of water, it more than makes up for the effects.

As pointed out here in this study:[13]

Ingestion of caffeine in large doses (at least 250-300 mg, equivalent to the amount found in 2-3 cups of coffee or 5-8 cups of tea) results in a short-term stimulation of urine output in individuals who have been deprived of caffeine for a period of days or weeks. 

A profound tolerance to the diuretic and other effects of caffeine develops, however, and the actions are much diminished in individuals who regularly consume tea or coffee. 

Doses of caffeine equivalent to the amount normally found in standard servings of tea, coffee and carbonated soft drinks appear to have no diuretic action.

So coffee can actually help you stay hydrated.

What about alcohol? 

Same thing.

Alcohol has diuretic properties, but only causes dehydration when consumed at beyond normal levels. (Here’s our Guide to Drinking, which covers our thoughts on being a healthy nerd that can still enjoy an occasional cocktail.)

What ALLLLL OF THIS MEANS: 

Drink when you are thirsty. 

All liquids you consume count towards hydration, and only in cases of overconsumption can they negatively affect your hydration.

A Note on Bottled Water (Invest in a Water Filter)

In 2019, total U.S. bottled water consumption increased to 14.4 billion gallons, up from 9.1 billion gallons in 2011.[14]

Every person in America drank an average of 43.7 gallons of bottled water last year.  

Bottled water sales increased by 3.6 percent in 2019, and now total $34.6 billion.

Only in America can an industry selling tap water in a plastic bottle become an absolutely juggernaut, as Lewis Black so eloquently points out (NSFW Language):

It is very likely that your local tap water is fine! Check your local government for more information, but if you live in the United States, chances are your tap water is equal or better to the bottled stuff! Heck Coca-Cola knows this, as their Dasani Brand is ultimately filtered tap water.[15]

Want that bottle of Fiji water because it’s clean and pure and provides you with magical abilities like a waterbender?

There is less arsenic in Cleveland Tap water than Fiji water![16] Much less expensive too 🙂

If you don’t like the taste of, or are concerned about your local tap water, try a Brita filter or something equivalent. Stop going through hundreds of plastic bottles of water every year, and drink the water you already have available to you.

Yes, if the choice is between no beverage, a Coke, or a bottle of water, go with the bottled water!

Just don’t go out of your way to buy water from the polar ice caps, Hoth glaciers, or the Swiss Alps because you think it’s going to be healthier for you, provide you with more of a benefit than regular water.  

That’s all hype, sucka!

Staying Properly Hydrated (Next Steps)

There you have it, the long answer on how much water you should drink. 

Water keeps your body functioning properly. Consume it when you feel the need and your thirst will be quenched, your body will stay regulated, and you will live to see tomorrow.

On top of that, consuming water before a meal can help you feel fuller and thus prevent you from overeating. 

If this works for you, keep doing what you’re doing!

Water should definitely be consumed when you are thirsty!  

But the importance of water has been overblown, and you don’t need to spend hundreds of dollars each year on fancy bottled water from glaciers.

Here’s how often you should drink H2O::

Chill out about water, don’t overthink it.

Drink when you feel thirsty.

If your pee is a darker color than normal, drink more water.

Don’t stress about drinking water neurotically throughout the day.

Don’t bother with sports drinks unless your exercise is intense, over several hours, or in very hot conditions.

I think that about does it for today’s guide.

If you’d like to join our community, I have three ways for you to continue your journey with Nerd Fitness:

#1) Our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program: a coaching program for busy people to help them make better food choices, stay accountable, and get healthier, permanently.

You can schedule a free call with our team so we can get to know you and see if our coaching program is right for you. Just click on the image below for more details:

#2) Liked the video we showed in today’s guide? Want to watch more like them live and get your questions answered? Join Nerd Fitness Prime!

Nerd Fitness Prime is our premium membership program that contains live-streamed workouts with NF Coaches, a supportive online community, group challenges like drinking more water, and much more! 

Learn more about Nerd Fitness Prime!

#3) Join The Rebellion! We have a free email newsletter that we send out twice per week, full of tips and tricks to help you get healthy, get strong, and have fun doing so. 

I’ll also send you tons of free guides that you can use to start leveling up your life too:

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

Have any more questions for me?  What else do you need to know about water?

Let’s hear it.

-Steve

PS: We walk about how water fits into a proper diet in our Guide to Healthy Eating. Check it out if you’re just embarking on leveling up your nutrition game.

###

photo source: Han Shot First: Aquaman, jDevaun: Gatorade, RLhyde: Glass,, philografy: bottled water, 27147: coffee cup,, Adventures With My Dogs: Waterfall, Urine Color, 1upLego: Lego Dawn of Justice Aquaman, Kristina Alexanderson: Maybe the droids we’re looking for are at the bottom of the pool, Jeanne Menjoulet: building in a glass of water, Lisa Zins: The Facuet, az: d-136 I’m not just going too far, I’ve arrived, 

  Footnotes    ( returns to text)

Read, “‘Drink at least eight glasses of water a day.’ Really? Is there scientific evidence for “8×8”?” Source, American Journal of Physiology.

You can check out their article right here.

Yep, I’ve heard “coffee and alcohol make you dehydrated” too. See the entire section below for an explanation on BOTH!

Read their report here.

The HuffPost has a good interview with Dr. Stanley Goldfarb, professor of medicine at the University of Pennsylvania, which discusses this issue. Check it out here.

The study was called, “Water consumption increases weight loss during a hypocaloric diet intervention in middle-aged and older adults.” Source, PubMed.

Read, “Water drinking induces thermogenesis through osmosensitive mechanisms.” Source, PubMed.

Their article is right here.

Read, “American College of Sports Medicine Position Stand. Exercise and Fluid Replacement.” Source, PubMed.

Wikipedia has a solid explanation.

Dr. Noakes is interviewed in this great piece from Outside.

Read, “Effects of Hyponatremia on the Brain.” Source, PubMed.

Read, “Caffeine ingestion and fluid balance: a review.” Source, PubMed.

The Shelby Report has all relevant data here.

This article took an interesting look at the scandal.

The Washington Post took a look here.

How Much Water Do I Really Need? (A Guide for Proper Hydration) published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[peacekaleandyoga1]

WASHINGTON–(BUSINESS WIRE)–Amid the chaos of getting kids out the door in the morning and taming

the hangry monsters that get off the bus in the afternoon, parents may

be overlooking a critical part of setting their kids up for success

during the school year: a nutrient-rich diet. One out of two kids ages 9

and up are not getting enough calcium, vitamin D and potassium –

nutrients they need to grow, learn and play. And, most kids younger than

nine are falling short on vitamin D and potassium.

Milk is the top food source for calcium, vitamin D and potassium, which

is why experts, including pediatricians, recommend real dairy milk as

part of kids’ diets to ensure they have nutrients they need to be set up

for success.

“As a mom, I know the chaotic reality that going back-to-school brings,

but as a doctor, I know the most important thing I can do for my kids is

make sure they’re eating and drinking the right things each day,” said

Dr. Tanya Altmann, pediatrician, best-selling author and nationally

recognized parenting expert. “As parents, we don’t always know what our

kids are eating and drinking once we send them out the door, which makes

getting in a nutritious snack more important than ever. When my kids

come home from school tired and hungry, I pour a glass of milk with

their snack. It’s my secret weapon to helping them get nutrients they

may have otherwise missed.”

Why Experts Recommend Milk

Experts recommend that kids 4-8 should get 2½ servings of milk or milk

products each day and kids 9 and up should be getting 3 servings each

day. But by the time kids are nine, three out of four are falling short

on the recommended amount of milk and milk products. In fact, kids ages

nine and up average a little more than one 8-ounce serving of milk per

day. 1

Three of the nutrients in milk – calcium, vitamin D and potassium – are

so important for kids’ growth and development that the Dietary

Guidelines for Americans identified them as nutrients of public

health concern because many Americans, including school-aged kids, are

not consuming enough.2 Missing these important nutrients

during critical growing years could have serious long-term implications,

including a child not reaching their full height potential, an increase

in stress fractures during adolescence, and a greater chance of

osteoporosis as an adult.3, 4, 5, 6

Experts also agree that milk remains a great way for kids to get their

bone-building nutrients – even more so than non-dairy milks fortified

with calcium, which don’t have the same nutritional value as real milk.7

Only real dairy milk offers a full array of bone-building nutrients –

calcium, vitamin D, potassium, protein and phosphorus – for only about

25 cents a glass.

Substituting milk with non-dairy calcium sources like fortified soy milk

and leafy greens can lead to gaps in other key nutrients like protein,

vitamin D, phosphorus, riboflavin, potassium, magnesium, vitamin A and

vitamin B12.8

Tame the Hangry

The good news is that serving milk isn’t a food battle moms have to

fight. Kids love milk, in fact 41 percent of kids would drink more milk.

When kids come home from school, they can seem like hangry monsters,

looking for the closest snack to keep their hunger at bay. By pouring a

glass of milk alongside afternoon snacks, moms can feel good knowing

their kids are getting nutrients they need.

Back to School Confessions

To kick off the new school year, the Milk Processor Education Program

(MilkPEP) is encouraging moms to share their own back to school-related

confessions for the chance to win a school year’s supply of milk for

their family. To enter, parents can post their confessions to Instagram

or Twitter, tagging @MilkLife and using #BackToSchool and #contest in

the caption.

The contest runs from August 10 – September 30, 2018 and is open to

parents or legal guardians of grade school-aged kids who are residents

of the fifty (50) United States or the District of Columbia and are at

least 18 years or older. For full rules, visit https://milklife.com/page/milk-back-school-contest-official-rules.

For more on the nutritional reality kids today are facing and tips for

taming after-school hunger, visit PourMoreMilk.com.

About MilkPEP

MilkPEP, Washington, D.C., is funded by the nation’s milk companies, who

are committed to educating consumers about the many nutritious benefits

of milk and ensuring all children have access to fresh, wholesome milk.

The MilkPEP Board runs marketing programs, including Milk Life, a

multi-faceted campaign highlighting the important role milk plays in

helping families reach their full potential, Milk It! a campaign for

kids built around their love of milk, and Built with Chocolate Milk,

which inspires athletes to perform at their best and recover with lowfat

chocolate milk. For more information, go to milklife.com

and builtwithchocolatemilk.com.

1 National Dairy Council. NHANES 2011-2014. Data Source:

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health

Statistics, National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey Data.

Hyattsville, MD: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nhanes.htm

2 U.S. Department of Agriculture and U.S. Department of

Health and Human Services. Dietary Guidelines for Americans, 2015. 8th

Edition, 2015.

3 Wiley AS. Does milk make children grow? Relationships

between milk consumption and height in NHANES 1999-2002. American

Journal of Human Biology. 2005;17:425-441.

4 Ruffing JA, et al. Determinants of bone mass and bone size

in a large cohort of physically active young adult men. Nutrition &

Metabolism. 2006;3:14.

5 Rockell JE, Williams SM, Taylor RW, Grant AM, Jones IE,

Goulding A. Two-year changes in bone and body composition in young

children with a history of prolonged milk avoidance. Osteoporosis

International. 2004;16:1016-1023.

6 Goulding A, Rockell JE, Black RE, Grant AM, Jones IE,

Williams SM. Children who avoid drinking cow’s milk are at increased

risk for prepubertal bone fractures. Journal of the American Dietetic

Association. 2004;104:250-253.

7 Golden NH, Abrams SAl. Optimizing Bone Health in Children

and Adolescents. Pediatrics. 2014;134:e1229-e1243.

8 Fulgoni VL, Keast DR, Auestad N, Quann EE. Nutrients from

dairy foods are difficult to replace in diets of Americans: food pattern

modeling and an analysis of the National Health and Nutrition

Examination Survey 2003-2006. Nutrition Research. 2011;31:759-765.

If you enjoyed this post, you should read this: You Can Keep The Weight Off By Using These Tips

from https://ift.tt/34au82x

[sunflowersrainstormssunsets-blog]

Enough Already

Happy Saturday, friends! I hope it is a day of rest and relaxation for you. You deserve to take a break from the chaos you have to deal with day in and day out. 

For me, it has been a day of rest AND a day of enlightenment. I’ve been doing some research on how to naturally balance my hormones.

Rewind... 

Back when I was 16, I was placed on birth control. It was the implant that goes under your arm. It did great at first, but then after my first year things declined so rapidly that I didn’t even realize it. I started gaining weight (and fast), I was an emotional, anxious wreck all the time, I was having pains in my stomach and pelvic region, I began feeling psychotic. I was a mess. I was on this birth control for 7 years!! 

Fast forward... 

Now, I am working to reverse the damages done due to this birth control. One of those being, my hormones are all off track. So, I began to research what I could do to naturally improve my hormone balance. 

What I found is, what I consume plays a HUGE part in why I feel so gross all the time. Everything, ladies, and I mean everything, affects your hormone and reproductive health. It is ridiculous! *insert eye roll* Since I plan on bearing children in the next few years, I need to take control quickly. 

So, what does that mean? Lifestyle changes! 

First, I need to incorporate an exercise routine into my life. I’m thinking 2 days at the gym, 3 days doing yoga/pilates. Then, it is all about diet. Time to cut out the crap, and nourish every part of my body. Limiting alcohol and caffeine is going to be my greatest challenge. Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE my wine and I LOVE my coffee. Unfortunately, those 2 items alone affect hormone levels the most! Add in healthy fats, moderate meat intake, add vegetable proteins, make sure I am eating less refined carbs, take a vitamin. The list goes on, but those are some of the steps I am taking to better myself, for myself and my future. 

I know it will be worth it in the end. I will feel better, I will look better, I will be better. I have a LONG road ahead, full of changes and improvements. Once again, I am taking a stand. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Enough feeling tired and crappy, not having energy, not feeling healthy. Enough already. Only you can change your circumstances, Kimberly, so do it. Take control. No one is going to do it for you. No excuses. Time to buckle down. 

Sometimes, you have to be your own hype man. Be your own motivation. It starts with you. 

My hope for anyone struggling with the motivation to make the changes, that you realize you are worth it. Buckle down, friends, you can do this. And, I can too. 

May blessings (and motivation) be upon you. 

Love, 

Kimberly 

“Never forget how wildly capable you are.” 

[leahgolubchick]

On Weightloss and  Selfcare

In the last three days I have read Roxane Gay’s Hunger, seen various takes on the Huff Po obesity article (both very for and very against and nothing I completely agree with), and saw Weight Watchers is rebranding by dropping “weight” from its name, with early backlash already at work. I also spent two days at a writing retreat focused on trauma informed practice. So I’m feeling reflective and there’s a lot of weight-related stuff going on in my head.

A bunch of friend have noticed that over the last year and half I lost some weight. Many people my age don’t know how to bring it up politely because there isn’t a good script for that and we’ve been trained to never bring up people’s weight unless you’re about to lift them. Even then, probably don’t. Women of over 45 have shouted at me from across the room. Generation gaps, vive le difference.

Two years ago, I was unhappy. In 2016 my work place exploded with a sexual assault case that was featured in Scientific American. In retrospect, that case prepared me and a lot of my coworkers directly for the #metoo and #believesurviors movements right now. But in 2016 it was a lonely, scary time. There was palpable fear in my workplace, resentment, defensiveness, and what I’d later understand was behavior fueled by retraumatization across the board, especially in Leadership. People were leaving, angrily. People were lashing out. And because when you look for elephants you find them, we were improvising the role of social worker when students came forward needing help from sexual harassment and assault. We helped them while suffering our own reflective trauma. There were ZERO resources in place for a seismic change in my work culture.

Two years ago, I was unhappy. I was drinking too much. Having a monthly bar event about sex gave me an exciting combination of working through the poison of rape culture AND excuse to drink heavily. Guess where we planned events too? I was overwhelmed and depressed. I wasn’t setting a lot of boundaries about my life because when you feel hopeless and powerless, what’s the point? I’d go out, I’d connect with friends. But I wasn’t caring about myself. I was also 200 pounds.

Two years ago I reached out to some friends who had been going to therapy, I needed help. Help was there. I am grateful that this was my first therapist who focused on the present. Her work was about reshaping thought patterns, about questioning assumptions, about prioritizing selfcare. We used phrases like “parenting yourself” and “more will be revealed.” The first day of therapy she asked me “What do you do for yourself?” I couldn’t think of an answer, and I cried. By the time I left in July of this year, a lot had changed.

Six months into therapy human resources announced an open house of Weight Watchers at work. The program was free, and I had mock-enrolled about a year before (as in, I volunteered to weigh myself every week while refusing to do any part of the program in any form). I was unhappy, and that included my appearance. So I went. At the Open House I heard a lot of the language I was hearing at therapy. “Be gentle with yourself,” “progress not perfection,” this was a chance to take care of you, to do what feels good, to embrace #selfcare. So, I opted in.

I’ve never had to manage my weight in a real way. I’ve always been in a weight range that doctors and strangers don’t feel the need to comment on. My weight had changed when I moved to New Jersey, and I’d brushed with “Calories In Calories Out” (CICO) to try to drop a few pounds. That was a disaster. Turns out untreated anxiety and having to account for every random mouthful of food AND being a people-pleaser meant spiraling out of the range of reason pretty quickly. I remember one point completely unable to tell if I should eat a piece of fruit or a Twinkie because they have the same calories and I only had ”room” for one or the other. So CICO never lasted more than a week. Ultimately the problem resolved itself when we moved to Colombia and the suburbia weight melted away.

I can’t do “intuitive eating.” Maybe one day, maybe I never will. I don’t eat based on intuition. I eat because I like experiencing new things, I like textures, I like spice. I eat because its social and I want people to like me. And frankly, I like sugar, salt, and fat because my stupid monkey brain lights up when I eat them. But I don’t think housing a chocolate bar with a bag of potato chips is the holistic goal.

Joining Weight Watchers, I didn’t focus on my “goal weight”. Thinking about losing 45 pounds was overwhelming, and disheartening. So, learning from a family in recovery, I just focused on today. I didn’t think about every choice I had to make, I just thought about the next choice I had to make. I remember early on telling Sebastian, “Weight Watchers means we have to make some changes. So maybe we do bagels on Saturday and Bahn Minh on Sunday, but not both on one day?” (He agreed and we still do this). And slowly, very, very slowly, my weight changed. But that’s not why stuck with it.

The program, and my group leader, gave me permission to put myself first. Articulating my needs, informing myself in new situations, saying “no” and sticking with it because it was what I wanted was a radical departure internally. I had a vision of myself as a “cool girl,” someone who went with the flow and said yes. I associated “Yes” with adventure. I didn’t see chaos, or if I did I didn’t see it as a destructive force. About a year ago, I gave myself full permission to set boundaries concerning my food.

It is a basic right to decide what goes into my body.

I’m a feminist. I’m a sex-positive radical that hosted monthly sexual health and social science events. I am an educator who works to empower her kids. And it took a year of therapy and six months of Weight Watchers to get that basic-ass idea into my head.

Weight Watchers worked in tandem with therapy with me. It fit into my selfcare, when I followed the plan of fruit, vegetables, lean protein and whole grains, I felt good. Not “clean,” not superior, not “lighter,” I just felt physically better. Nourishing my body, moving my body, listening to my inner clues for what I needed helped me. It helped my mental health, it helped my self-confidence to know I was taking care of myself. And while the basics of how that was working are pretty obvious, I needed structure and reminders to keep me there. Tracking my food and my movement wasn’t a punishment for indulging myself, it was keeping myself in check. And when I didn’t stick to the plan, I still tracked. And some weeks I took a break and didn’t track at all. Some weeks I gained weight, some weeks I plateaued. And you know what? The times I ate high point/high calorie food and enjoyed the shit out of it were worth it. But the weeks where I said, “fuck it,” the days I ate whatever because what was point, or because stress got the better of me, I felt like crap. Not paying attention hurt me, but now I was in a place to notice it. So I kept coming back. And yes, it felt good to have clothes fit me in ways that I liked. It feels good to go shopping.

I’m not unhappy now. I am more peaceful, less reactive, more holistic. I’ve moved on from therapy for now. And I feel more comfortable being honest. I don’t second guess setting my boundaries. And I weigh less. Could I be happy and content and working on me while fat? My weight gain was a symptom of my unhappiness, so it’s hard for me to say. I’m able-bodied, I’ve lived most of my life as thin person, as a white person I don’t have to face the chronic stress people of color face in the US. I’m not arguing that my experience is universal. But it’s my experience for me. Weightloss happened because I made myself happier in a fundamental way.

I’ve had a hard time finding opportunities to talk about my experience. I had a conversation with a brilliant woman I’m friends with who sought treatment for an inflammatory disease though food management. Food as medicine in practice. As a side effect, she lost weight. A college friend accused on social media that her sudden weight loss and love of selfies were signs she was ‘no longer the feminist she knew.’ I haven’t seen a space in my feminist circles to talk about my relationship with food and weight loss that isn’t tied down by cultural baggage. A lot of health and fitness spaces are mixed with toxic diet culture and fat-phobia. I’d expect that. And a lot of the body positive spaces have been explicitly anti-diet talk. I once signed up for a meetup where organizers said you weren’t welcome if you were on a diet. Not talking about a diet, just following one. So I don’t know where to talk about this outside of Weight Watchers meetings, where the choices I’m making and the feelings I have seem right.

I get defensive when I hear people rag on Weight Watchers. The anti-diet movement writes about it as a shibboleth. The CICO fitness world seems to deem it a cheap gimmick to keep sheep hooked. In that way it’s a lot like Alcoholics Anonymous. There are plenty of people who hate it, or it didn’t work for them. But it works for those it works for. And I guess, like AA, I have to make my peace with understanding its not for everyone.

Losing weight isn’t happiness. Denying my body its rights and ignoring my health wasn’t happiness either. Sleep is happiness. Friends are happiness. Nourishing myself and moving is happiness. Understanding I have value is happiness. Being gentle with myself in an ungentle world brings happiness. The rest is a symptom. And I wish we talked more about what’s making people sick than how to get them to consume.

[fishermariawo]

Metabolism and Menopause: What Does Research Suggest Is the Best Dietary Strategy?

After my recent post on keto for women, I got a lot of feedback. One of the most common themes: “But what about menopause?” I heard from dozens of women in both the comment section and in emails who were having trouble losing weight and dealing with the varied symptoms of menopause. Was keto the answer? Was Primal? Were they doing something wrong?

Rather than start with the assumption that going keto or Primal is the best way to deal with menopause, I figured I’d start from ground zero, drawing on the extensive scientific literature on diet and menopausal symptoms to see if I could arrive at some general trends and make recommendations.

But first, why do we even experience menopause? In the big picture, menopause is rather rare. Besides humans, orcas and pilots whales are the only other species where the females live significantly beyond their reproductive age. The average age of menopause hovers around 50, and most women can expect to live another 30 years or so. That indicates its importance. It wouldn’t have been uniquely established and preserved in just a couple species if it didn’t provide huge benefits to those species. And sure enough:

The presence of grandmothers in a population enhances maternal survival during childbirth.

They provide childcare so parents can be more productive, whether it’s going back to work in the office or foraging for nuts and tubers in the bush.

They impart wisdom to the youngsters—and to the community as a whole.

And, though parents probably wouldn’t count this as a positive, they spoil grandkids rotten.

To boot, many women I know say menopause ushers in the most focused, creative time of their lives. If their reproductive years (particularly perimenopausal ones) were characterized by hormonal chaos, they often find themselves grateful to be free of the perpetual fluctuation. But mostly they say they’ve entered a time of life when they feel more confident and self-possessed. (Joan Erikson, wife of noted psychologist Erik Erikson as well as author, psychologist, teacher, and artisan, writes insightfully about this transition.)

All this said, menopause can also present its share of physical difficulties for many, if not most, women at some point. But do these effects need to be as unpleasant as they often are? I’d venture to say no. I have a few posts in mind here, but let’s dig into dietary strategy today.

First, let’s establish what changes physiologically during menopause. What are the most common symptoms of menopause? And what does the evidence say about how diet affects those symptoms?

Weight Gain

This might be the most common complaint women have during and after menopause: Weight goes on more easily and is harder than ever to scale back. Nothing seems to work, even the dietary interventions that previously did.

Why is weight loss so hard after menopause?

Energy expenditure and basal metabolic rate both drop with menopause.

Lower levels of estrogen increase appetite and reduce satiety.

Lower levels of estrogen reduce activation of brown fat, the metabolically-active body fat which burns energy.

If you’re experiencing another common side effect of menopause—insomnia—your sleep-deprived brain’s reward system will be more susceptible to the allure of junk food.

You’re older. As we age, weight becomes easier to put on and harder to remove for both men and women.

Despite these roadblocks, there is hope. Something has to work. And even if it doesn’t work as well as you’d like, there’s something that works less badly than the others.

For one, glycemic load matters. Many studies find that the glycemic load of a postmenopausal woman’s diet is a strong predictor of her fat mass. Remember that glycemic load is often a roundabout way of indicting carbohydrates without saying “carbohydrates.”

What really does seem to work is the classic paleolithic diet: lean meat, fruit, nuts, vegetables, eggs, berries, and fish with no grains, legumes, sugar, dairy, potatoes, or added salt. 40% of energy from fat, 30% from protein, 30% from carbohydrate. Over 24 months, menopausal women on a paleo diet lost more fat, more waist circumference, and more triglycerides than those on a standard “healthy” diet.

Perhaps it’s the protein. Another study found that postmenopausal women who ate the least protein (under 0.8 g protein per kg bodyweight) had the most body fat and were physically weak. Those who ate the most (over 0.8 g per kg, 1.1 g/kg on average) had the least body fat and were more physically capable.

What’s clear is that weight loss has beneficial effects on menopause symptoms. It reduces inflammation, improves cancer biomarkers, regulates sex hormones, and improves endothelial function—to name a few. What’s also clear is that weight loss can have negative second-order effects in menopausal women, like bone mineral loss and loss of lean mass. So, it’s worth doing, and doing right. You have to strike a fine balance between losing weight and avoiding muscle loss. As your satiety signaling is likely thrown off, you might have to make a more conscious effort to track your food intake and make sure you’re not overdoing it.

Heart Disease

Before menopause, most women are protected against heart disease, at least compared to men. Once menopause sets in, a woman’s heart disease risk goes way up. A good diet for menopause, then, would have to reduce heart disease risk. What does the evidence say?

In overweight post-menopausal women, high-fat diets (where the fat came from cheese or meat) improved atherogenic biomarkers compared to a high-carb diet. Both the cheese-based and meat-based diets increased HDL and Apo-A1; the high-carb diet did not.

Meanwhile, high-carb diets were persistently linked to chronic low-grade inflammation and an elevated risk of heart disease in postmenopausal women.

Moving beyond broad macronutrient ratios, are there any specific foods or nutrients that play an outsized role in menopasual women’s heart health?

Dark chocolate may help with reduced endothelial function, another risk factor for heart disease. Postmenopausal women who consumed high-cacao chocolate saw their endothelial function improve in one study.

Green tea appears to help postmenopausal women reduce fasting insulin, a major but underappreciated risk factor for heart disease (and a host of other bad conditions).

Bone Loss

As estrogen plays a big role in the maintenance of bone mineral density and overall bone health, bones get weaker and lose density during menopause. A woman’s risk of osteoporosis, fractures, and other bone-related incidents skyrocket during and after the transition.

Intake of long-chain omega-3 fatty acids—found in fish, shellfish, and fish oil supplements—is associated with higher bone mineral density at the hips and spine (the most crucial parts for aging people) in osteopenic women. Osteopenia is lower than normal bone mineral density. It isn’t quite osteoporosis, but osteopenia can often progress into it.

Glucose loading actively impairs bone remodeling in postmenopausal women. The problem doesn’t go away just because you exercise, either. And it gets worse the higher your postprandial blood glucose goes.

The normal bone-relevant nutrients become even more relevant after menopause:

One study in postmenopausal women found that yogurt fortified with vitamin D3 improved bone mineral density, while regular yogurt without the vitamin D3 worsened it.

Another found that a gram of calcium a day wasn’t enough to stave off bone mineral loss in menopausal women during weight loss; they needed at least 1.7 grams per day.

Another study found that a collagen supplement increased bone mineral density in post menopausal women.

Brain Fog

Everyone’s heard of “pregnancy brain.” There’s also “menopause brain.” It’s characterized by brain fog, memory loss, lack of focus, and other cognitive symptoms.

Postmenopausal women who ate low-glycemic breakfasts had better cognitive function than those eating high-glycemic breakfasts.

Some research also suggests a role for micronutrient supplementation in menopausal cognitive symptoms:

Vitamin C can help. In one study, postmenopausal women who took 500 mg of vitamin C a day improved verbal recall, naming, and repetition. These improvements were accompanied by reductions in beta-amyloids linked to Alzheimer’s disease.

Resveratrol may help. In one study, it increased cerebral blood flow and improved overall cognitive performance during a series of tests, particularly in verbal memory.

Hot Flashes

Both fish oil and soy isoflavones have been shown to reduce hot flash occurrence, with soy acting faster on severe hot flashes and fish oil doing a better, but slower job of targeting both moderate and severe hot flashes.

Folic acid supplementation reduced the severity, duration, and frequency of hot flashes. A better source for folic acid are folate-rich foods, like leafy greens or liver.

Breast Cancer

A woman’s risk of breast cancer rises after menopause. After menopause, the inflammatory status of the breast goes up almost as a general rule. This explains at least part of the elevated risk for breast cancer postmenopausal women exhibit, and it’s true whether or not the woman is overweight or not. Menopausal breast fat is inflammatory fat.

Among Japanese women, those who ate the most noodles and other carbohydrates had higher levels of estradiol, which other studies have found correspond to a higher risk of postmenopausal breast cancer. Those who ate the most fish, fish fat, and saturated fat had lower levels, which correspond to a lower risk. Of course, the authors opine that this suggests eating more fish and say nothing about saturated fat, but we can’t really expect them to contradict decades of propaganda—I mean, evidence.

Oxidative Stress

Menopause is generally inflammatory; along with waist circumference, menopause status is an independent predictor of low-level inflammation and elevated hs-CRP (one of the most fundamental markers of inflammation). There’s a low level simmer going on, and it can cause a lot of problems. Diet can make it worse, or make it better.

High-glycemic diets—also known as diets high refined carbohydrates—are associated with more oxidative stress in post-menopausal women (for what it’s worth, the same is true in premenopausal women). Intakes of insoluble fiber and PUFA, including omega-3s and healthy sources of omega-6s like nuts, were linked to lower levels of oxidative stress.

Paleolithic diets, on the other hand, reverse inflammatory markers in postmenopausal women.

Folate supplementation reduces oxidative stress and normalizes blood pressure in postmenopausal women.

Genetics matter, of course. A growing body of evidence indicates that various genetic variants can influence the effects of some of these dietary interventions on the symptoms and risks associated with menopause.

Among Japanese and Japanese-Brazilians, for example, soy isoflavone intake protects against breast cancer only in those with certain genetic variants. It’s neutral otherwise.

There’s more to managing menopause than just diet, of course. Lifestyle decisions matter too. But that’s beyond the scope of today’s post. Maybe in the future.

So, can we make any recommendations? What are the takeaways? We see some trends emerge.

Dietary Takeaways Avoid Refined Carbohydrates

Pretty much every study that looked at fast-digesting, low-nutrient sources of carbohydrates found they have a negative effect on most concerns of menopause, including bone health, breast cancer risk, heart health, weight gain, inflammation. Now more than ever, don’t eat them.

Limit Carbs To Only What You Use

If you’re an incredibly active woman, someone who CrossFits and runs sprints and swims laps and plays with grandkids, you can get away with more carbohydrates, and may even thrive with a few extra. But make sure you actually need those carbs.

Soy Isn’t a Bad Idea

I know, I know. Soy is evil, or something. But a number of studies indicate that soy can improve the overall menopause experience. Stick to whole soy vs isolated soy components. (And avoid GMO.) If you can include something like natto—fermented soybeans—a few times a week, you’ll get the benefits of soy isoflavones and vitamin K2.

Drink Green Tea

Several studies show that green tea (or green tea extracts) counters or ameliorates multiple menopause symptoms.

Eat Leafy Greens

Greens are a great source of folate and calcium, critical nutrients for postmenopausal health.

Eat Adequate Protein

1.1 g/kg should be the lower limit.

Eat Fish

A can of sardines (bone-in) provides omega-3s, calcium, and excellent protein.

Lean Toward a Higher-Fat-AND-Protein, Lower-Carb Diet

Make sure to stick with Primal foods.

Menopause isn’t easy for most women. Things are changing, hormones are in flux, and eating strategies you once employed may no longer work the same way. There’s no magic diet that fixes everything, but there are lots of little changes that can tilt the scales in your favor.

Try them out and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear how you’ve handled menopause via diet. Thanks for reading, and take care, everybody.

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

[watsonrodriquezie]

Metabolism and Menopause: What Does Research Suggest Is the Best Dietary Strategy?

After my recent post on keto for women, I got a lot of feedback. One of the most common themes: “But what about menopause?” I heard from dozens of women in both the comment section and in emails who were having trouble losing weight and dealing with the varied symptoms of menopause. Was keto the answer? Was Primal? Were they doing something wrong?

Rather than start with the assumption that going keto or Primal is the best way to deal with menopause, I figured I’d start from ground zero, drawing on the extensive scientific literature on diet and menopausal symptoms to see if I could arrive at some general trends and make recommendations.

But first, why do we even experience menopause? In the big picture, menopause is rather rare. Besides humans, orcas and pilots whales are the only other species where the females live significantly beyond their reproductive age. The average age of menopause hovers around 50, and most women can expect to live another 30 years or so. That indicates its importance. It wouldn’t have been uniquely established and preserved in just a couple species if it didn’t provide huge benefits to those species. And sure enough:

The presence of grandmothers in a population enhances maternal survival during childbirth.

They provide childcare so parents can be more productive, whether it’s going back to work in the office or foraging for nuts and tubers in the bush.

They impart wisdom to the youngsters—and to the community as a whole.

And, though parents probably wouldn’t count this as a positive, they spoil grandkids rotten.

To boot, many women I know say menopause ushers in the most focused, creative time of their lives. If their reproductive years (particularly perimenopausal ones) were characterized by hormonal chaos, they often find themselves grateful to be free of the perpetual fluctuation. But mostly they say they’ve entered a time of life when they feel more confident and self-possessed. (Joan Erikson, wife of noted psychologist Erik Erikson as well as author, psychologist, teacher, and artisan, writes insightfully about this transition.)

All this said, menopause can also present its share of physical difficulties for many, if not most, women at some point. But do these effects need to be as unpleasant as they often are? I’d venture to say no. I have a few posts in mind here, but let’s dig into dietary strategy today.

First, let’s establish what changes physiologically during menopause. What are the most common symptoms of menopause? And what does the evidence say about how diet affects those symptoms?

Weight Gain

This might be the most common complaint women have during and after menopause: Weight goes on more easily and is harder than ever to scale back. Nothing seems to work, even the dietary interventions that previously did.

Why is weight loss so hard after menopause?

Energy expenditure and basal metabolic rate both drop with menopause.

Lower levels of estrogen increase appetite and reduce satiety.

Lower levels of estrogen reduce activation of brown fat, the metabolically-active body fat which burns energy.

If you’re experiencing another common side effect of menopause—insomnia—your sleep-deprived brain’s reward system will be more susceptible to the allure of junk food.

You’re older. As we age, weight becomes easier to put on and harder to remove for both men and women.

Despite these roadblocks, there is hope. Something has to work. And even if it doesn’t work as well as you’d like, there’s something that works less badly than the others.

For one, glycemic load matters. Many studies find that the glycemic load of a postmenopausal woman’s diet is a strong predictor of her fat mass. Remember that glycemic load is often a roundabout way of indicting carbohydrates without saying “carbohydrates.”

What really does seem to work is the classic paleolithic diet: lean meat, fruit, nuts, vegetables, eggs, berries, and fish with no grains, legumes, sugar, dairy, potatoes, or added salt. 40% of energy from fat, 30% from protein, 30% from carbohydrate. Over 24 months, menopausal women on a paleo diet lost more fat, more waist circumference, and more triglycerides than those on a standard “healthy” diet.

Perhaps it’s the protein. Another study found that postmenopausal women who ate the least protein (under 0.8 g protein per kg bodyweight) had the most body fat and were physically weak. Those who ate the most (over 0.8 g per kg, 1.1 g/kg on average) had the least body fat and were more physically capable.

What’s clear is that weight loss has beneficial effects on menopause symptoms. It reduces inflammation, improves cancer biomarkers, regulates sex hormones, and improves endothelial function—to name a few. What’s also clear is that weight loss can have negative second-order effects in menopausal women, like bone mineral loss and loss of lean mass. So, it’s worth doing, and doing right. You have to strike a fine balance between losing weight and avoiding muscle loss. As your satiety signaling is likely thrown off, you might have to make a more conscious effort to track your food intake and make sure you’re not overdoing it.

Heart Disease

Before menopause, most women are protected against heart disease, at least compared to men. Once menopause sets in, a woman’s heart disease risk goes way up. A good diet for menopause, then, would have to reduce heart disease risk. What does the evidence say?

In overweight post-menopausal women, high-fat diets (where the fat came from cheese or meat) improved atherogenic biomarkers compared to a high-carb diet. Both the cheese-based and meat-based diets increased HDL and Apo-A1; the high-carb diet did not.

Meanwhile, high-carb diets were persistently linked to chronic low-grade inflammation and an elevated risk of heart disease in postmenopausal women.

Moving beyond broad macronutrient ratios, are there any specific foods or nutrients that play an outsized role in menopasual women’s heart health?

Dark chocolate may help with reduced endothelial function, another risk factor for heart disease. Postmenopausal women who consumed high-cacao chocolate saw their endothelial function improve in one study.

Green tea appears to help postmenopausal women reduce fasting insulin, a major but underappreciated risk factor for heart disease (and a host of other bad conditions).

Bone Loss

As estrogen plays a big role in the maintenance of bone mineral density and overall bone health, bones get weaker and lose density during menopause. A woman’s risk of osteoporosis, fractures, and other bone-related incidents skyrocket during and after the transition.

Intake of long-chain omega-3 fatty acids—found in fish, shellfish, and fish oil supplements—is associated with higher bone mineral density at the hips and spine (the most crucial parts for aging people) in osteopenic women. Osteopenia is lower than normal bone mineral density. It isn’t quite osteoporosis, but osteopenia can often progress into it.

Glucose loading actively impairs bone remodeling in postmenopausal women. The problem doesn’t go away just because you exercise, either. And it gets worse the higher your postprandial blood glucose goes.

The normal bone-relevant nutrients become even more relevant after menopause:

One study in postmenopausal women found that yogurt fortified with vitamin D3 improved bone mineral density, while regular yogurt without the vitamin D3 worsened it.

Another found that a gram of calcium a day wasn’t enough to stave off bone mineral loss in menopausal women during weight loss; they needed at least 1.7 grams per day.

Another study found that a collagen supplement increased bone mineral density in post menopausal women.

Brain Fog

Everyone’s heard of “pregnancy brain.” There’s also “menopause brain.” It’s characterized by brain fog, memory loss, lack of focus, and other cognitive symptoms.

Postmenopausal women who ate low-glycemic breakfasts had better cognitive function than those eating high-glycemic breakfasts.

Some research also suggests a role for micronutrient supplementation in menopausal cognitive symptoms:

Vitamin C can help. In one study, postmenopausal women who took 500 mg of vitamin C a day improved verbal recall, naming, and repetition. These improvements were accompanied by reductions in beta-amyloids linked to Alzheimer’s disease.

Resveratrol may help. In one study, it increased cerebral blood flow and improved overall cognitive performance during a series of tests, particularly in verbal memory.

Hot Flashes

Both fish oil and soy isoflavones have been shown to reduce hot flash occurrence, with soy acting faster on severe hot flashes and fish oil doing a better, but slower job of targeting both moderate and severe hot flashes.

Folic acid supplementation reduced the severity, duration, and frequency of hot flashes. A better source for folic acid are folate-rich foods, like leafy greens or liver.

Breast Cancer

A woman’s risk of breast cancer rises after menopause. After menopause, the inflammatory status of the breast goes up almost as a general rule. This explains at least part of the elevated risk for breast cancer postmenopausal women exhibit, and it’s true whether or not the woman is overweight or not. Menopausal breast fat is inflammatory fat.

Among Japanese women, those who ate the most noodles and other carbohydrates had higher levels of estradiol, which other studies have found correspond to a higher risk of postmenopausal breast cancer. Those who ate the most fish, fish fat, and saturated fat had lower levels, which correspond to a lower risk. Of course, the authors opine that this suggests eating more fish and say nothing about saturated fat, but we can’t really expect them to contradict decades of propaganda—I mean, evidence.

Oxidative Stress

Menopause is generally inflammatory; along with waist circumference, menopause status is an independent predictor of low-level inflammation and elevated hs-CRP (one of the most fundamental markers of inflammation). There’s a low level simmer going on, and it can cause a lot of problems. Diet can make it worse, or make it better.

High-glycemic diets—also known as diets high refined carbohydrates—are associated with more oxidative stress in post-menopausal women (for what it’s worth, the same is true in premenopausal women). Intakes of insoluble fiber and PUFA, including omega-3s and healthy sources of omega-6s like nuts, were linked to lower levels of oxidative stress.

Paleolithic diets, on the other hand, reverse inflammatory markers in postmenopausal women.

Folate supplementation reduces oxidative stress and normalizes blood pressure in postmenopausal women.

Genetics matter, of course. A growing body of evidence indicates that various genetic variants can influence the effects of some of these dietary interventions on the symptoms and risks associated with menopause.

Among Japanese and Japanese-Brazilians, for example, soy isoflavone intake protects against breast cancer only in those with certain genetic variants. It’s neutral otherwise.

There’s more to managing menopause than just diet, of course. Lifestyle decisions matter too. But that’s beyond the scope of today’s post. Maybe in the future.

So, can we make any recommendations? What are the takeaways? We see some trends emerge.

Dietary Takeaways Avoid Refined Carbohydrates

Pretty much every study that looked at fast-digesting, low-nutrient sources of carbohydrates found they have a negative effect on most concerns of menopause, including bone health, breast cancer risk, heart health, weight gain, inflammation. Now more than ever, don’t eat them.

Limit Carbs To Only What You Use

If you’re an incredibly active woman, someone who CrossFits and runs sprints and swims laps and plays with grandkids, you can get away with more carbohydrates, and may even thrive with a few extra. But make sure you actually need those carbs.

Soy Isn’t a Bad Idea

I know, I know. Soy is evil, or something. But a number of studies indicate that soy can improve the overall menopause experience. Stick to whole soy vs isolated soy components. (And avoid GMO.) If you can include something like natto—fermented soybeans—a few times a week, you’ll get the benefits of soy isoflavones and vitamin K2.

Drink Green Tea

Several studies show that green tea (or green tea extracts) counters or ameliorates multiple menopause symptoms.

Eat Leafy Greens

Greens are a great source of folate and calcium, critical nutrients for postmenopausal health.

Eat Adequate Protein

1.1 g/kg should be the lower limit.

Eat Fish

A can of sardines (bone-in) provides omega-3s, calcium, and excellent protein.

Lean Toward a Higher-Fat-AND-Protein, Lower-Carb Diet

Make sure to stick with Primal foods.

Menopause isn’t easy for most women. Things are changing, hormones are in flux, and eating strategies you once employed may no longer work the same way. There’s no magic diet that fixes everything, but there are lots of little changes that can tilt the scales in your favor.

Try them out and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear how you’ve handled menopause via diet. Thanks for reading, and take care, everybody.

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

[milenasanchezmk]

Metabolism and Menopause: What Does Research Suggest Is the Best Dietary Strategy?

After my recent post on keto for women, I got a lot of feedback. One of the most common themes: “But what about menopause?” I heard from dozens of women in both the comment section and in emails who were having trouble losing weight and dealing with the varied symptoms of menopause. Was keto the answer? Was Primal? Were they doing something wrong?

Rather than start with the assumption that going keto or Primal is the best way to deal with menopause, I figured I’d start from ground zero, drawing on the extensive scientific literature on diet and menopausal symptoms to see if I could arrive at some general trends and make recommendations.

But first, why do we even experience menopause? In the big picture, menopause is rather rare. Besides humans, orcas and pilots whales are the only other species where the females live significantly beyond their reproductive age. The average age of menopause hovers around 50, and most women can expect to live another 30 years or so. That indicates its importance. It wouldn’t have been uniquely established and preserved in just a couple species if it didn’t provide huge benefits to those species. And sure enough:

The presence of grandmothers in a population enhances maternal survival during childbirth.

They provide childcare so parents can be more productive, whether it’s going back to work in the office or foraging for nuts and tubers in the bush.

They impart wisdom to the youngsters—and to the community as a whole.

And, though parents probably wouldn’t count this as a positive, they spoil grandkids rotten.

To boot, many women I know say menopause ushers in the most focused, creative time of their lives. If their reproductive years (particularly perimenopausal ones) were characterized by hormonal chaos, they often find themselves grateful to be free of the perpetual fluctuation. But mostly they say they’ve entered a time of life when they feel more confident and self-possessed. (Joan Erikson, wife of noted psychologist Erik Erikson as well as author, psychologist, teacher, and artisan, writes insightfully about this transition.)

All this said, menopause can also present its share of physical difficulties for many, if not most, women at some point. But do these effects need to be as unpleasant as they often are? I’d venture to say no. I have a few posts in mind here, but let’s dig into dietary strategy today.

First, let’s establish what changes physiologically during menopause. What are the most common symptoms of menopause? And what does the evidence say about how diet affects those symptoms?

Weight Gain

This might be the most common complaint women have during and after menopause: Weight goes on more easily and is harder than ever to scale back. Nothing seems to work, even the dietary interventions that previously did.

Why is weight loss so hard after menopause?

Energy expenditure and basal metabolic rate both drop with menopause.

Lower levels of estrogen increase appetite and reduce satiety.

Lower levels of estrogen reduce activation of brown fat, the metabolically-active body fat which burns energy.

If you’re experiencing another common side effect of menopause—insomnia—your sleep-deprived brain’s reward system will be more susceptible to the allure of junk food.

You’re older. As we age, weight becomes easier to put on and harder to remove for both men and women.

Despite these roadblocks, there is hope. Something has to work. And even if it doesn’t work as well as you’d like, there’s something that works less badly than the others.

For one, glycemic load matters. Many studies find that the glycemic load of a postmenopausal woman’s diet is a strong predictor of her fat mass. Remember that glycemic load is often a roundabout way of indicting carbohydrates without saying “carbohydrates.”

What really does seem to work is the classic paleolithic diet: lean meat, fruit, nuts, vegetables, eggs, berries, and fish with no grains, legumes, sugar, dairy, potatoes, or added salt. 40% of energy from fat, 30% from protein, 30% from carbohydrate. Over 24 months, menopausal women on a paleo diet lost more fat, more waist circumference, and more triglycerides than those on a standard “healthy” diet.

Perhaps it’s the protein. Another study found that postmenopausal women who ate the least protein (under 0.8 g protein per kg bodyweight) had the most body fat and were physically weak. Those who ate the most (over 0.8 g per kg, 1.1 g/kg on average) had the least body fat and were more physically capable.

What’s clear is that weight loss has beneficial effects on menopause symptoms. It reduces inflammation, improves cancer biomarkers, regulates sex hormones, and improves endothelial function—to name a few. What’s also clear is that weight loss can have negative second-order effects in menopausal women, like bone mineral loss and loss of lean mass. So, it’s worth doing, and doing right. You have to strike a fine balance between losing weight and avoiding muscle loss. As your satiety signaling is likely thrown off, you might have to make a more conscious effort to track your food intake and make sure you’re not overdoing it.

Heart Disease

Before menopause, most women are protected against heart disease, at least compared to men. Once menopause sets in, a woman’s heart disease risk goes way up. A good diet for menopause, then, would have to reduce heart disease risk. What does the evidence say?

In overweight post-menopausal women, high-fat diets (where the fat came from cheese or meat) improved atherogenic biomarkers compared to a high-carb diet. Both the cheese-based and meat-based diets increased HDL and Apo-A1; the high-carb diet did not.

Meanwhile, high-carb diets were persistently linked to chronic low-grade inflammation and an elevated risk of heart disease in postmenopausal women.

Moving beyond broad macronutrient ratios, are there any specific foods or nutrients that play an outsized role in menopasual women’s heart health?

Dark chocolate may help with reduced endothelial function, another risk factor for heart disease. Postmenopausal women who consumed high-cacao chocolate saw their endothelial function improve in one study.

Green tea appears to help postmenopausal women reduce fasting insulin, a major but underappreciated risk factor for heart disease (and a host of other bad conditions).

Bone Loss

As estrogen plays a big role in the maintenance of bone mineral density and overall bone health, bones get weaker and lose density during menopause. A woman’s risk of osteoporosis, fractures, and other bone-related incidents skyrocket during and after the transition.

Intake of long-chain omega-3 fatty acids—found in fish, shellfish, and fish oil supplements—is associated with higher bone mineral density at the hips and spine (the most crucial parts for aging people) in osteopenic women. Osteopenia is lower than normal bone mineral density. It isn’t quite osteoporosis, but osteopenia can often progress into it.

Glucose loading actively impairs bone remodeling in postmenopausal women. The problem doesn’t go away just because you exercise, either. And it gets worse the higher your postprandial blood glucose goes.

The normal bone-relevant nutrients become even more relevant after menopause:

One study in postmenopausal women found that yogurt fortified with vitamin D3 improved bone mineral density, while regular yogurt without the vitamin D3 worsened it.

Another found that a gram of calcium a day wasn’t enough to stave off bone mineral loss in menopausal women during weight loss; they needed at least 1.7 grams per day.

Another study found that a collagen supplement increased bone mineral density in post menopausal women.

Brain Fog

Everyone’s heard of “pregnancy brain.” There’s also “menopause brain.” It’s characterized by brain fog, memory loss, lack of focus, and other cognitive symptoms.

Postmenopausal women who ate low-glycemic breakfasts had better cognitive function than those eating high-glycemic breakfasts.

Some research also suggests a role for micronutrient supplementation in menopausal cognitive symptoms:

Vitamin C can help. In one study, postmenopausal women who took 500 mg of vitamin C a day improved verbal recall, naming, and repetition. These improvements were accompanied by reductions in beta-amyloids linked to Alzheimer’s disease.

Resveratrol may help. In one study, it increased cerebral blood flow and improved overall cognitive performance during a series of tests, particularly in verbal memory.

Hot Flashes

Both fish oil and soy isoflavones have been shown to reduce hot flash occurrence, with soy acting faster on severe hot flashes and fish oil doing a better, but slower job of targeting both moderate and severe hot flashes.

Folic acid supplementation reduced the severity, duration, and frequency of hot flashes. A better source for folic acid are folate-rich foods, like leafy greens or liver.

Breast Cancer

A woman’s risk of breast cancer rises after menopause. After menopause, the inflammatory status of the breast goes up almost as a general rule. This explains at least part of the elevated risk for breast cancer postmenopausal women exhibit, and it’s true whether or not the woman is overweight or not. Menopausal breast fat is inflammatory fat.

Among Japanese women, those who ate the most noodles and other carbohydrates had higher levels of estradiol, which other studies have found correspond to a higher risk of postmenopausal breast cancer. Those who ate the most fish, fish fat, and saturated fat had lower levels, which correspond to a lower risk. Of course, the authors opine that this suggests eating more fish and say nothing about saturated fat, but we can’t really expect them to contradict decades of propaganda—I mean, evidence.

Oxidative Stress

Menopause is generally inflammatory; along with waist circumference, menopause status is an independent predictor of low-level inflammation and elevated hs-CRP (one of the most fundamental markers of inflammation). There’s a low level simmer going on, and it can cause a lot of problems. Diet can make it worse, or make it better.

High-glycemic diets—also known as diets high refined carbohydrates—are associated with more oxidative stress in post-menopausal women (for what it’s worth, the same is true in premenopausal women). Intakes of insoluble fiber and PUFA, including omega-3s and healthy sources of omega-6s like nuts, were linked to lower levels of oxidative stress.

Paleolithic diets, on the other hand, reverse inflammatory markers in postmenopausal women.

Folate supplementation reduces oxidative stress and normalizes blood pressure in postmenopausal women.

Genetics matter, of course. A growing body of evidence indicates that various genetic variants can influence the effects of some of these dietary interventions on the symptoms and risks associated with menopause.

Among Japanese and Japanese-Brazilians, for example, soy isoflavone intake protects against breast cancer only in those with certain genetic variants. It’s neutral otherwise.

There’s more to managing menopause than just diet, of course. Lifestyle decisions matter too. But that’s beyond the scope of today’s post. Maybe in the future.

So, can we make any recommendations? What are the takeaways? We see some trends emerge.

Dietary Takeaways Avoid Refined Carbohydrates

Pretty much every study that looked at fast-digesting, low-nutrient sources of carbohydrates found they have a negative effect on most concerns of menopause, including bone health, breast cancer risk, heart health, weight gain, inflammation. Now more than ever, don’t eat them.

Limit Carbs To Only What You Use

If you’re an incredibly active woman, someone who CrossFits and runs sprints and swims laps and plays with grandkids, you can get away with more carbohydrates, and may even thrive with a few extra. But make sure you actually need those carbs.

Soy Isn’t a Bad Idea

I know, I know. Soy is evil, or something. But a number of studies indicate that soy can improve the overall menopause experience. Stick to whole soy vs isolated soy components. (And avoid GMO.) If you can include something like natto—fermented soybeans—a few times a week, you’ll get the benefits of soy isoflavones and vitamin K2.

Drink Green Tea

Several studies show that green tea (or green tea extracts) counters or ameliorates multiple menopause symptoms.

Eat Leafy Greens

Greens are a great source of folate and calcium, critical nutrients for postmenopausal health.

Eat Adequate Protein

1.1 g/kg should be the lower limit.

Eat Fish

A can of sardines (bone-in) provides omega-3s, calcium, and excellent protein.

Lean Toward a Higher-Fat-AND-Protein, Lower-Carb Diet

Make sure to stick with Primal foods.

Menopause isn’t easy for most women. Things are changing, hormones are in flux, and eating strategies you once employed may no longer work the same way. There’s no magic diet that fixes everything, but there are lots of little changes that can tilt the scales in your favor.

Try them out and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear how you’ve handled menopause via diet. Thanks for reading, and take care, everybody.

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

[carmeninguanzo]

My Biggest Break Through...

I woke up on the morning of April 25, 2018 with plans to go to the gym. I had a light breakfast, but it didn’t sit well. My stomach felt queasy and unsettled with cramps throughout the entire morning. Again and again I went to the bathroom. What’s going on? It was only toast and tea? I had all intentions of working out but, I knew I couldn't. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with my body, and after going to the bathroom a fourth time, I realized in that moment I was having a full blown anxiety attack that lasted almost the entire day! My heart was racing - ripping its way out of my chest, my stomach was in a knot - that unsettling intuition you feel when something bad is about to happen, and I was having difficulties breathing - as if someone had their hands over my nose and mouth. Oh my God, I’m having an anxiety attack! How could I have missed the signs? I was taken off guard, the way an anxiety attack usually happens, but I missed the signs because it had been a very long time since I felt this way. I’m going to fight through this. Taking an anxiety pill is not an option! It had been almost seven months since I last took an anxiety pill and I was determined to ride this feeling of unbalance and chaos on my own with prayer and meditation. Though I was intentional about what I was doing to self regulate my emotional and psychological state, it wasn't helping, however, I was completely drawn to the words of Sarah Blondin in her guided meditation. I was desperate to calm myself down and because I am a visual learner, I decided to write down the words - writing and pausing, writing and pausing; trying to take them all in.  

Why am I feeling so anxious? How did I get here? Throughout this debilitating episode, I was determined to figure out what caused my anxiety attack and finally, it all made sense. I had become lazy and had discontinued my morning rituals, and despite trying to teach myself not to be judgmental during this process of self-evolution and to love myself exactly where I am, it had been on my mind daily for the past three weeks. How I did I get here? How did I let go of all of the habits I had been cultivating so that I could live my best life? I was no longer getting up at 6:00 am. I was no longer meditating, reading and writing. I was no longer being intentional about my days and the things I was focused on mastering. I was no longer on my vegan diet; a diet I had incorporated because I wanted to see if it made a difference with my bad sinus, though I really hope I can remain vegan one day. I know in my heart I should be eating healthier? Should I become a vegetarian instead? Or perhaps I can’t do either and I should just call it conscious eating? I struggled wondering if I had made the right decision of going back to my old lifestyle. Or maybe I should be moderate instead of going cold turkey? This was obviously something that was consuming me and I couldn’t let it go. Also, I hadn’t been consistent with the things that have helped me with my depression and given me the strength and courage to ween myself off of my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I had done all of this on my own with no medical consultation or supervision. I made the decision and I followed through. Period. What happened with all I’d been trying to cultivate in order to master my mornings and be more productive? I hadn’t continued to work on getting together everything I want to include on my new vision board. I hadn’t been reading as much. I hadn't been listening to the motivational videos and books I had been listening to every day. It was all of the things I’d stopped that will give me the necessary discipline and routine to live my dreams that was building up in my conscious and subconscious. It was no wonder I’d been feeling heavy and so down lately? Yes, I was feeling depressed! I had gone back to my old ways. I had gone back to ignoring my passions and what I knew was bringing me purpose and fulfillment. It was everything that had helped me feel complete. It was all of the exact things that caused me to remain depressed throughout my life. All of it. Inside of me. Manifesting into complete pandemonium. And there it was, I made the biggest discovery ever! The things that make me happy are all inside of me? I’ve been looking outside of myself for my happiness? I can’t slack off! I can’t go back to my old ways... 

This anxiety attack happened one week ago to be exact and since then, I’ve started my morning routines again and feel 100% better. What I learned from this experience is that it’s ok to slack off and not be so hard on myself. It’s ok to be where I am today because I can start over. I’m not perfect and I must remain grateful for the journey and embrace the lessons throughout the way. I am learning to be careful with the labels I put on myself; careful with the feelings of inadequacy I was so use to clinching on to, and I am understanding that it’s ok to still love myself during this process with all of my imperfections. So each time a negative thought comes to mind because I didn't do what I planned out to do, I simply say to myself, “it’s ok Carmen, you can start over tomorrow.” I am learning to love and appreciate myself even when I slack off. I’ve come such a long way and these are all lessons that will only make me a better version of myself. I must be gentle and embrace the process of evolution. My evolution. I am learning to focus on the good things I have going for myself instead of dwelling only on all the negative things. I remind myself of my accomplishments as big or small as they may be. It is important. Carmen, you have not given up on school no matter how difficult it’s becoming. This June makes three years since you enrolled back in college and you haven’t dropped out! You are still holding the above 3.7 gpa you said you would all throughout this time. You just finished writing your second piece to be published on Proud to Be Latina magazine. You have an essay being published in an upcoming anthology this year. You have a child with special needs whom you give so much love and attention to because his needs are nothing little or can be unattended to. You have a life and so much on your plate woman! 

You see how much easier it is to fall into old patterns and feel inadequate? You see the importance of learning self-care? You see the process? It takes SO much, and it can be so difficult at times, but it’s worth the discipline. It’s worth the struggle. I’m here to show you my journey. The good, the ugly, and the in between. With so much love and with zero judgments :) 

I’d like to share with you one of the most powerful words I’ve ever heard. Here is the guided meditation I said I wrote, Learning to Surrender by Sarah Blondin. I hope and pray this helps someone, the way it helped me... Here is the link from the Insight Timer app, http://insig.ht/gm_3393. Here are all the words:

The night comes, and we give ourselves permission to dissolve, into the rest of darkness. We let go of all the values and rivers we wish to cross, and our dreams for some distant future. We allow ourselves the gift of rest, returning to the calmness of our breaths. The silence of our minds, and the heavily dance with the night’s curious dreams. When we wake in the morning as our eyes open we slowly begin to step back into our minds voice. We dress ourselves, not just in clothing, but with all of the things we neatly placed at our bedside while we slept. We look outside our windows longingly for our place in the stars, not noticing we are the ones weighing ourselves down. Subconsciously we adorn ourselves in yesterdays news, and the rejuvenation we have earned from our sleep is quickly exchanged, for heavy and worn out ideas of what our lives couldlook like, if only we could somehow get to where we were going. We walk invisibly cocooned, with all of the things we wish to control. We think that by keeping these things close that, we will be able to manage them. If we keep our worries in plain sight, we will have less of a chance of them coming true. When in fact the very act of doing so is causing us to live in the places we are trying to avoid. Surrender means to give up, abandon, relinquish, to wave the white flag. What a beautifully divine word. A word we should choose at every chance we can remember, for as the story goes, we are not in control. We are floating on a cosmic river carried from the stars into our mother’s wombs, out into the world, where we then resume the same course only now grounded in body. If we continuously release our needs for controlling the flow, and stop ourselves from worrying about rocks we mayhit, we allow divine grace to enter our lives. The more we trust, the journey, itself, the more fluid and joyful life becomes. The more we constrict, the more worry and burden we pick up along the way, the denser we become. The more we sink like rocks to the bottom of our river, we then ground ourselves in the turbulent waters rather, than allowing ourselves to be carried to the calm, cool waters. Instead of feeling fear of all that may come bouncing forth from the unknown, feel intrigued, delighted even that something new is being born at every second. What we are trying so hard to avoid or hold in place, may in fact be our dreams, trying to come into form. There will be moments in your life where all will seem in chaos in disharmony, and in those moments you must remember the universe is, reordering in your life to match more of what you are calling forth. Wait not in fear while this happens, for it is a necessary part of the birthing process. Keep faith, trust. Work with continued heart intention, but let go when it asks, and take peace in the unfolding that will soon come. Fear, is useless in these times. Trust, however, is paramount. While we are co-creating with our life force, we are also, at its mercy, and must learn to trust, it is in our favor. This does not mean we stop trying to create our best life. It does not mean we give up in the face of adversity or stress it means, we simply let go of the hold it has on our physical body. We see what is coming forward and remain working with focused intention, yet release the stress and grip it has on us.    

Do this in meditation- Close your eyes and take three deep breathes. Release a little more dropping down closer and closer to the earth. Feel how it loves you, and you love it. Notice how good it feels to be in your skin, present to the life living within you.  

Notice any tension in your body, in your neck, in your lower back or your shoulders. Take the shallow breath in your chest and make it more full, and pleasure-full. These places of tension, is where you are holding a secret fear, that you are not supported, that you have been forgotten, that life does not love you, that you are failing. See how these fears, do not serve you. Let them go. Acknowledge that you are being weighed down and choose, even if just for this moment, to surrender. Take a moment to notice the peace trying to lovingly hold you. Now imagine cutting the ties to these tense places, and allow yourself to be carried into the mysterious and nourishing waters raging around you. You are being asked to surrender to the beauty trying to unfold, the beauty trying to bring you to that far off land of dreams you’ve been looking outside of yourself for. Understand that it has been trying to take you there all along. Now get out of your own way, and allow it to. And when you open your eyes in the morning, and you feel the rush of consciousness flood back into your body, sink not into the old, worn out ideas you have been holding. Let yourself be relieved, by the journey that is your life, unfolding. Rest, in knowing, that same peace you experience as you sleep is still with you when you wake. Surrender dear one. Surrender…

[anavoliselenu]

Aced chapter 11

I lose my train of thought. Get lost in the feel of her body against mine, and how much I miss physical intimacy between us. Because physical is my barometer. Makes me feel closer to her and at the same time tells me we’re okay. And without it, I hate not knowing if we’re okay.

“Sorry,” I say, pulling myself from my thoughts. “I was daydreaming about being on the beach with you.”

“Thank you.”

Her voice is so faint but I hear it immediately. I squeeze my eyes shut, overwhelmed from those two simple words.

Gathering her a little tighter, I rest my chin on the curve of her shoulder. I look down in front of her where Ace has fallen asleep, and I know I need to put him in his bassinet but I don’t. Not yet. This feels a little too normal when we’ve had anything but, so I want to make it last a little bit longer. Just the three of us.

There are so many things I want to say to her, so many reasons why she doesn’t need to thank me, but I don’t. I was given two glimpses of my wife tonight. That’s enough to tell me more is coming soon.

So I do what I think is best. I continue on. “Don’t thank me yet, Selena. This island doesn’t have any indoor plumbing. Or Diet Coke. And I know how you love your Diet Coke. But they do have . . .” I continue on. My rambling evening entertainment.

Anything for my Selena.

Hi sweetheart. Just checking in to see how you’re doing. I love you. I’m here for you. I’ll be up later this week.

THE TEXT FROM MY MOM sits on my phone. The screen is lit up. My insides are still so very dark.

I miss the outside world.

Lazy walks on the beach. Trips to the farmers market in town where I get to laugh at Justin with his hat pulled low to avoid attention. The roar of the racetrack and vibration of the engine in my chest as I sit in the infield and answer emails while Justin tests the car. The incessant chatter, sound of kitchen chairs scooting over worn linoleum, complaints about homework, and sly smiles given behind one another’s back that are a constant at The House from my boys.

I miss everything that makes me feel alive.

But I’m not ready yet. I miss the idea of everything but not the reality. Because with the reality comes the chaos. The intrusive cameras and judging eyes. The scrutiny and the exposure. The lack of any control or privacy. The never-ending sense of vulnerability.

Besides, how can I begin to want any of those things when I can’t even look at my beautiful baby boy and feel that soul-shifting love I should for him? Sure it’s there, hidden deep down and buried beneath the haze. I know it is. I’ve felt it before. And that almost makes it worse. To want something and never have it is one thing but to have something, lose it, and know what you’re missing is brutal.

And I’m missing Ace. Not him, per se, because he’s here and I feed him, but rather the emotion. Brief moments of intense joy and overwhelming love peek through every now and again. The want to have them return consumes me to the point they drive me back into the warped and silent comfort of the darkness.

And then when I resurface, there is Justin. The songs he texts to help me remember. And to help me forget.

It’s when the sky is the darkest that you can tell which stars are the brightest. There’s only one star I see: Justin’s light shines the brightest to me. Maybe because he’s the one saving me.

I wish I could feel the amusement I know is beneath the surface when I watch him deal with Ace in his adorably awkward way. The made-up lullabies about car parts and superheroes he sings to stop Ace from crying are so sweet. I try to dredge it up, hold on to my smile, but it’s a constant battle between the darkness and light.

Then there’s the night. When he pulls me into him and tells me about the silly places he is going to take me, the memories we are going to make, and lifts that lead curtain for a bit so I can lose myself in his voice and humor. I can look down to Ace at my breast and have Justin’s body against my back and know I can beat this.

And so I fight, winning little pieces of myself back day by day. Moment by moment. Because it’s the things we love most that destroy us. Break us down. Tear us apart. But they are also the things that build us back up. Heal us. Make us complete again.

“Hey, man!” Justin’s voice rings down the hallway, interrupting my thoughts. I immediately start to rise from the couch, bothered I was actually enjoying sitting beside Ace in the bouncer, and start to head upstairs because the unexpected usually triggers uncontrollable anxiety. And that anxiety inevitably leads to another trip down the rabbit hole.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call first, but I was driving back to school and needed to stop by. Can I speak to you and Selena for a moment?”

Shane’s voice echoes down the foyer and makes me falter. And it’s not what he says that stops me from standing but rather the tone in his voice—formal, businesslike, and anxious—that makes me sit at attention.

“Not a problem. Let me go tell Selena that you’re here first,” Justin says, followed by the lowering of their voices. They say something I can’t hear but can assume it is the typical question of how I am doing that gets asked when they arrive. “Be right back.” Footsteps. “Hey, Selena?”

“Yeah?” My voice is shaky as I answer, and I hate that the anxiety surges within me when it’s just Shane. He’s the boy who has been with me the longest. The one I have watched grow into a man.

“Shane stopped by. Okay?” Justin’s eyes hold mine. They’re telling me that Shane’s coming in and to prepare for it. My two-minute warning. I force a swallow down my throat as I try to reason with myself that this is Shane; he poses no threat to Ace or me, or my little world.

I nod my head.

“Come on in,” Justin yells as he stands there with eyes locked on mine and waits for Shane to close the distance.

C’mon, Selena. You scared him last time. Show him that you’re not his mother. That this beast can be conquered. Be the you he knows. Try, baby. Please.

And as much as I prepare myself, when Shane walks into the living room, my heart races out of control and body breaks out in a cold sweat. And I detest that I can’t muster up more than a forced smile when our eyes meet. I open my mouth to say hi, but the word doesn’t come out.

I see concern in his expression, and he glances over to Justin, blatantly telling him he lied, that I’m not better like he’d said moments before at the door. Justin nods to trust him.

“So you’re heading back to campus?” Justin says, saving me from having to speak as he leads the way into the living room and motions for him to sit down.

“Yes. Yeah. I spent the night at The House with the gang.” His eyes flicker back and forth between the two of us as he sits down on the edge of the chair before landing on Ace sleeping contently in the bouncer. “He’s getting so big.”

“Yeah. It’s crazy,” Justin says. He stares at Shane as he watches Ace, and I can see him narrow his eyes to try and figure out the same thing I am: why does Shane seem so nervous?

I want to ask so many things: how is school, how is Zander, is Auggie hanging in there? Do you miss me? But my restlessness only adds to the awkward silence filling the room. Justin finally speaks. “That was cool of you to hang out with the boys. I was thinking maybe in a week or two when Selena is feeling a little better, we’ll have all you guys over for a barbecue.”

And as much as I know Justin is trying to make Shane feel more comfortable, it feels like hands are squeezing my lungs at the mere thought of so many people being in my space at once. He said a few weeks, though. Maybe by then . . .

“Yeah, uh . . .” Shane shifts and rubs his palms down the thighs of his pants. “Well, I stayed with the boys because we had a little house meeting and um, I came here because I wanted to let you know about it.”

I vaguely hear him over the roar of my heartbeat. My curiosity is piqued and internal instinct overrides the depression’s pull trying to yank me back from the edge and protect me from whatever it is that is making him so nervous. Justin’s eyes meet mine and something flashes in them—a moment of unexpected clarity—that worries me.

“Go on,” Justin says cautiously.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said, Justin, and after looking at Zander’s situation from all sides, I think you’re right.” Shane wrings his hands and keeps his eyes focused on them as Justin sighs loudly.

“What thing did I say, Shane?” he asks, voice searching, body language pensive as if he fears he already knows.

“About Zander.”

Justin scrunches up his nose in a show of regret and I’m completely lost. My body wants to shut down but my mind fights the allure to find out what’s going on. I look back to Shane, trying to find the words to ask an explanation when I catch Justin mouth out of the words, “Not now,” with a shake of his head.

Panic, my one constant, returns, jolting through my system as I look back and forth form Justin to Shane, both of them realizing I saw the exchanged warning. Something’s going on, and it’s about Zander. I need to know now or else I’m going to go crazier than I already feel. I open my mouth, shut it, then open it again, willing my frenzied thoughts to find the voice that’s been silent for so very long.

“No,” Shane says, standing up to Justin, causing us both to snap our heads to him. “She deserves to know that we’ve voted, and we’re okay with it.”

I blink my eyes rapidly as I try to understand his cryptic comment. I feel like I’ve just walked into a movie halfway through and I’m lost in the plot. As much as I want to be angry at Justin, he obviously fears that whatever Shane has to say is going to knock me back a few of the steps I’ve gained these past few days.

“What?” My voice breaks. It sounds foreign to my ears. My eyes widen as I search their faces for answers. Now it’s their turn to both look at me.

“I’m just trying to fix everything I started,” he says, and I don’t understand what he means. He looks at me with little boy’s eyes in a grown man’s body, begging me to let him help me. “It’s my fault.”

“What are you talking about?” Justin asks, voice demanding yet sounding just as confused as I am.

“I told you about Zander’s meeting with his uncle at The House that day when I shouldn’t have. I should have known better. But how was I to know Zander was going to say things that would cause you to get so upset you’d go into labor? And then we came here to meet Ace. You were fine one minute and then you talked to Z and . . .” His voice drifts off, and I strain to remember bits and pieces from when the boys came. But I can’t—just flashes of wide eyes and scared faces—and I know I obviously frightened them somehow. “I just want you to get better, Selena. And I want Zander to stay in our family where he’s safe. We all want these things. And I kept thinking if you knew Zander was safe then maybe you’d get better.”

A part of me awakens when I hear his words. I want to tell him it’s so much more than that but the love and concern lacing his tone somehow weave into and wrap around me, warming up the places this postpartum depression has left so very cold. It’s scary and foreign and exciting to feel these things even if it’s just a fraction of what is normal.

“Then I remembered the comment you made, Justin. The one about how you’d adopt Zander if it would fix the situation and—”

“No!” I shout, standing up in protest. Both of them stare at me as I struggle to make my point and understand why that sudden flicker of warmth I felt moments ago is now gone. In seconds, my mind spins in a tornado of thoughts with clarity sharper than I’ve felt in weeks.

Shane’s not nervous; he’s upset. Upset and hurt that in his darkest hour I never thought to adopt him, choose him, and now all of a sudden Zander’s in this situation and Justin obviously told him his suggestion when never in a million years would I even consider it.

The twister spins out of control. Anger, betrayal, compassion, despair, love. They all whirl inside me. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t speak. And yet the feelings within me are so violent, crashing into one another without recourse, that I can’t process them. I begin to shut down. Crawl with my tail between my legs into the darkness because obviously I thought I was stronger when I’m not.

I need my bed. To pull the covers over me and to try and quiet the riot in my head, but I don’t move. Instead I start to hyperventilate, my lungs convulsing as panic takes over my body, so all I can do is sag back down into the couch to try and catch my breath.

Justin’s at my side in an instant. His eyes are alarmed, but hands are gentle as he rubs my back and tells me he’s there. My body burns for oxygen, my blood on fire, and my head starts to become dizzy. I clutch my head in my hands, desperate for some kind of control.

“No peeking, Scooter!” Shane’s voice sounds off. How can it be in front of me when he’s beside me? Regardless, the sound of it pulls me to the present. I open my eyes and he’s holding his cell phone so I can see a video playing on the screen. The camera pans across the room and six heads are bowed down: Connor, Aiden, Ricky, Kyle, Scooter, and Auggie. Curiosity pulls my head above water; the sight of my boys keeps it there as my breathing slowly evens.

“Okay. You ready?” It’s Shane’s voice on the phone, his hand recording, as an array of yeses sound. “We all know that Zander was told today his uncle has been approved to foster him.”

“What?” Justin says in shock, hand stilling on my back, the same time the breath I just got back catches in my chest. My eyes, mesmerized by the sight of my boys again, sting with unwanted tears. Disbelief courses right alongside the panic.

Spiral. Twist. Slide. Back down into the dark.

“Just listen,” Shane urges, his voice giving me a focal point to cling to.

The video continues. “Who is in favor and completely okay and know that it has nothing to do with playing favorites—”

“Jesus. We got it, dude!” Aiden says. “We all know we’re Donavans. We don’t need a formal adoption process or the official name change to tell us that. It’s a given. Just take the vote, Shane.”

Justin sucks in a breath beside me. My pulse starts to race again. A little at first. Then a lot. But this time it’s not from anxiety. The lack of panic and the presence of disbelieved hope pull me a little closer toward the surface.

“Shut it, Aid!”

“Always the boss,” Aiden says, eyes rolling, as Connor elbows him.

“Who is in favor of Selena and Justin filing a petition to adopt Zander?” Six arms rise in the air without a moment’s hesitation. Shane flips the camera lens onto him to show his hand in the air. “And it’s a landslide,” he says, angling it back to my crew where they’ve all raised their heads, smiles on their faces, and patience gone.

I’m transfixed with the images as a few of them give a shout out to me until a scuffle ensues over hogging the spotlight and then the video stops. But when Shane goes to pull his hand holding the phone away, I reach out in reflex and grab it, my eyes lifting up to meet his.

I don’t know what to say. All I know is how I feel. And how I feel is that I actually feel something when there’s been nothing in so long. A sudden rainstorm in an arid desert.

My hand squeezes his wrist as I scramble to mouth the words backing up like a dam in my mind. Nothing comes out but I can’t let go of him. And I can’t look away.

Justin runs his hand up and down the length of my spine in reassurance as Shane lowers to his knees in front of me and puts his free hand on top of mine, holding steadfast to his. Eyes laced with concern and swimming with love meet mine.

“We know you’re not choosing Zander over us. You’re doing what you’ve always done. You’re trying to save him just like you have done for each one of us.” His voice breaks and tears well, despite him trying to hold it together. “We didn’t tell Zander about the vote, didn’t want to get his hopes up if you guys decide not to pursue it . . . but we also didn’t want you to throw the idea out because you thought it would upset us.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” Justin says, his voice thick with emotion.

“There’s nothing to say.” He shrugs, bringing back thoughts of the little boy I first met. “I’ll admit when you first told me about it, I was a little shocked. Surprised. But at the same time, it’s what you said after telling me you’d adopt Zander that I heard the loudest.”

Justin looks back and forth between us and shakes his head as he tries to recall what Shane’s talking about.

“You told me Selena nixed the idea because it would make the rest of us feel bad. That spoke louder to me than anything. She was willing to hurt him to spare our feelings. It didn’t sit right with me. Selena, you raised us to look out for one another, take care of each other. Be a family. Well, Zander’s our family. So I mentioned it to Aiden. Played it down. Pretended I’d had a dream about it happening to see what he’d say. He thought it was brilliant. Didn’t have a problem with it. We went from there.” His voice fades off, but I hear hope in his tone and see optimism in his eyes.

“Shane.” It’s the sound of Justin’s stilted voice that causes the first tear to slide over.

“I just wanted to try to make things right.”

The curtain lifts. Huge body-wracking sobs take over my body as the curtain lifts to the highest it’s been since my mind fell into this depression. And I still can’t speak. All I can do is show them that the smile on my face is not forced anymore—a break in the black clouds. A ray of light flooding me with the knowledge there is still good in the world. That I’ve raised seven boys who came to me damaged and beyond hope—with all odds stacked against them—and have turned them into compassionate, loving individuals who have formed a family.

My family. Their family.

“Selena? Baby, look at me.” It’s Justin’s voice that pulls me out of this storm of emotion. I actually want to stay in it though, because it feels so damn good to feel something other than the weight of sadness. But I look at him anyway. I want him to see the glimpse of the real me peeking through because I know as good as this feels, as long as it has lasted, it will probably be gone soon. In my compromised psyche, I know you don’t snap out of postpartum depression so easily.

But it gives me hope. Tells me I can do this. That the glimpse will turn into more. Baby steps as Justin says.

“These are happy tears, right?” he asks as I glance over to Shane and then back to him. Both of their eyes hold a cautious optimism.

“Yes.”

I might not be broken after all.

FUCKIN’ BECKETT.

He knows just how to push my buttons. Get me where I need to be. Even if it takes a few fibs as he calls them. More like bald-faced lies.

But who’s the fool? I fell for them. I’m right where he wants me. On the track. In the car and just hitting my stride on my thirtieth lap after some new adjustments.

God, I needed this. Everything about it: the routine, the camaraderie with the crew, the vibration of the car all around me, the control and response when everything else has felt so chaotic.

The freedom.

I shift, coming into turn one. Let my car own the track since I’m alone on it, getting a feel if the last adjustment was right or wrong.

“Wood?” No other words need to be said to know what he’s asking me.

“Feels good. Ass end’s not sliding as I come outta the bank.” I take a sip of water from the tube. It’s piss-warm. Fuck.

“Okay. Open her up then for a few laps once you hit the line. Push to pass. Let me see what the gauges say when we do that.”

“Open her up? You get some last night, Daniels? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say those words.” Hands grip the wheel, body braced for the force as I come out of turn four toward the start/finish line.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He chuckles. That’s an affirmative on getting laid. “Let’s see what she can do.”

I drop the hammer. Race the motherfucking wind. Let the vibration of the car and the fight of the wheel own my mind and body: escape from the worry about Selena—the constant responsibility of Ace, the everything that feels like it has been on my shoulders—and just be.

The car and me. Machine and man. Speed against skill. Chaos versus control.

Each lap peels away the world around me a little bit more. Pulls me into the blur. Lets me become a part of the car, hear each rattle, feel every vibration, and listen to what she’s saying to me.

If she’s going to be a whore or a wife for the next race: let me use her, abuse her until I get mine at the start/finish line, or if I need to praise her, stroke her with foreplay, and hope she gets off by the time the checkered flag is waved.

“Gauges are looking good. How’s she feel?”

“A good mix.” He knows I mean she’s a little bit of both—whore and wife—the perfect mix to win a race.

“We need a little more whore for the next race. Push her harder. See if she sucks or swallows.”

I laugh into the open mic as I head into turn three. Routine entry, down shift, gaze drops down to the gauges one last time before the track and car own them with the concentration the turn takes.

The ass end slides high, fishtails at the topside of the curve. Rubber tires hit a rash of pellets. I hydroplane across them, slick tires over balls of rubber.

FUCK!

Split seconds of time. Increments of thoughts. Routine of movements.

The nose end turn turns high. Arms tense fighting the wheel. A flash of concrete wall.

Ace. An image of him flashes before my eyes. A slideshow of frames. His cry is in the whine of the engine.

Releasing the wheel. Crossing my arms so I can hold onto the harness.

Selena. Soft smile. Big heart. Incredible strength. Just when she’s coming back to me.

Shoulders shoving into the seat. The car spins. Nosecone hits the wall. Metal sparking as it shreds.

“Wood!”

Spinning. Hands grip seatbelts tight. Waiting for the second impact.

Nothing.

C’mon. C’mon. C’mon

Spinning.

Slipping down the track.

Spinning.

Grass flying as I hit the infield.

Coming to a stop.

Taking a breath.

Hands stiff from holding tight to the seatbelts.

“Goddammit, Justin! Answer me.”

Sound comes back. Adrenaline takes over. My heart pounds. My mouth is dry.

But I’m fine.

“I’m good. Fine,” I rasp as my body starts to tremble from the aftereffects. “Fucked up the nosecone and front right side.”

“You’re good?” His voice is shaky.

“I’m good.” Well, I will be. After I have a stiff drink.

“Fuck, Justin! I told you to open her up, not tear her up and slam her into the goddamn wall!” he yells through the mic as I unpin the wheel to get out.

My chuckle fills the connection—the tinge of hysteria in it clear as fucking day.

I’m grateful for his comment. For getting me back to the norm when a part of me is so lost in my own head over shit I never allow myself to think about.

And yet sometimes when you’re forced to close your eyes, everything else becomes so much clearer.

“Justin?”

“Can I come in?” I look at my dad. There are so many things I want to say. No, need to say to him.

My mind hasn’t stopped since I left the track. The wreck made my mortality front and fucking center like never before. I have a kid now. Responsibilities. People that matter to me when before the only person I cared about besides my parents, Quin, and Becks was me, myself, and I.

I got out of the car needing to call Selena. Talk to her. Hear her voice. Get home so I could hold Ace. But know I can’t.

It was just another day at the track. I spun out. A job hazard. I couldn’t call her because even though she’s making huge strides, she’s still not one hundred percent, and I didn’t want to do anything to trigger her to pull away.

So I drove. Aimlessly. Ended up at the beach. Then drove some more. Checked in with Haddie to make sure Selena was good and ended up here. Fucking full circles.

“Come in. Everything okay? Selena and Ace?” he asks as I follow him into the house I grew up in.

“Yes. Yeah.” Shit. He’s worried. “Sorry. They’re fine. It’s all good.” We walk past the stairs I used to slide down on cardboard, and the liquor cabinet I used to sneak bottles from in high school. I focus on that shit because all of a sudden I’m antsy, nervous. Feel stupid for coming here but need to tell him nonetheless.

“It’s good to see you out and about,” he says.

“Haddie’s with Selena,” I explain when he doesn’t ask. “I had to get some time at the track.”

“How’d it go?”

“Good. Fine. Hit the wall.”

Fight or flight time, Justin. Say what you need to say.

“Justin?”

I snap from my thoughts. The shit that I’m here to say but have now lost the words for. “Sorry.” I sigh, lift my hat and run a hand through my hair.

“I said hitting the wall doesn’t sound like it went well. Are you okay?” His grey eyes look at me in that way he has since I was a kid. Checking for ghosts he’s not going to find.

“Yes. No.” I shake my head. “Fuck if I know.” I laugh and can hear the nerves in it as I watch him sit down and lean back on the couch, expression guarded, eyes an open fucking door that say, “Talk to me, son.”

I shove up out of the seat I’ve just sat in and walk toward the mantle where it is littered with picture frames of Q and me as kids. A house that has been featured in every style magazine known to man, and my mom keeps our homemade frames sitting on the mantle like they fit right in with the Louis whatever chair I was never allowed to sit on. I’m restless, fidgety, and just need to get this the fuck over with so I can stop thinking about it and get home.

“I had no right to ask you to go with me the other day.” That wasn’t what I was expecting to say but, fuck it, might as well go with it. He stares at me, father to son, body and eyes warring between asking for more and letting it come to me.

“I’m not following you.”

Of course you’re not going to make this easy on me, are you? Fuck. I sigh. Move. Pace. Hand through hair again.

“When I asked you to drive me so I could see my . . . uh . . .” Fuck. I can’t say the word. Can’t use the same term for that piece of shit as I do for this man in front of me, my endgame superhero.

“Dad. You can say it, Justin. I’m confident with my place in your life.”

“I know but it was a slap in your face, and it’s been eating at me. I shouldn’t have asked you to go,” I say as I turn around and meet his eyes again. “Or I should have told you where we were going. Given you a choice.”

“It’s never a slap in my face when you want to spend time with me, son. The fact you wanted me there with you tells me more than you’ll ever know.”

I stare at him, jaw clenched, and head a mess. I don’t deserve him. Never have. But sure as shit, I’m not letting him go.

“It was chickenshit of me.” It’s all I can say.

“It’s only natural for you to wonder. What you need to ask yourself is, did you get what you wanted out of it?”

“Yes. No. Fuckin’A straight I’m so angry but I don’t know why.” I pace again. Pissed I’m still bugged by it all.

“Why? Because you wanted him to see you, pull you into a hug, and start a relationship?” he goads, knowing damn well that wasn’t what I wanted. “Have a get-to-know-you session?”

“No,” I shout, hand banging down on the table beside me. The sound echoes around the room while I rein in my temper. I don’t want to have emotion over the loser. None. So why do I feel so fucked up when I thought I had it all under wraps? “I didn’t want shit from him other than to see him so I could look at the fucking reflection of what I never want to be to Ace. You happy?”

“Perfectly,” he says with a ghost of a smile that taunts me. I’ve punched guys for less. But I force myself to breathe. Unclench my fists. Redirect my anger. Try to at least.

“Really? My fucked-up head makes you happy?” I grate out between gritted teeth.

“Nope. But you’ve been through a lot of shit this month, Justin. Taken on a lot of responsibilities and haven’t really gotten to deal with any of this, so here I am. Scream and yell. That vase right next to you? Throw it. Watch it break against the wall. I’ll cover for you with your mom. Tell her I fell or something.” He pauses and lifts his eyebrows.

“What? She’d kill you. That’s like some antique-ey thing we were never allowed to touch.”

“Even better. Expensive shit sounds better when it breaks.”

“You’re fucking crazy.” I laugh, not really sure what else to say because he looks dead serious. What is going on here?

“Yeah, well, you have to be crazy to be a good parent.” His lips curl up, eyes flash with something, and I know I’m about to get schooled. Too bad I have no idea what the lesson covers. So I just stare at him and wait, knowing from experience that something else is coming. The difference is that as a kid, I’d let it go in one ear and out the other. This time, I’m fairly certain I won’t be so blasé.

“Connect the dots here, Dad, because I’m lost.” White flag is waving. Help me out.

“Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s made me question my sanity more times than you can imagine,” he says dryly, and I know many of those times were because of me. “And there are times that you have to bite your tongue so hard you’re not sure if it’s going to be in one or two pieces when you open your mouth. It’s exhausting and you’re constantly doubting yourself, wondering if you’re doing the right thing, saying the right thing, being the right thing.”

I look at him like he’s crazy and yet every single thing he says is gold. So damn true I can’t argue a single point.

“But then there are those moments, Justin, when you watch your child do something and are so damn proud of them you are left speechless. And those moments take every single doubt and fear and heartache and moment of insanity you’ve ever had and wipe the slate clean. That’s how I felt watching you go to see your dad. That’s how I feel knowing you and Selena are going to adopt Zander. That’s how I feel watching you be a father. Hell, son, when you stepped up to the plate after Selena got sick and swung it out of the goddamn park by taking care of Ace? I’ve never been prouder.”

My eyes sting with tears I don’t want to shed from the praise I never like to receive. Yet at the same time understand completely now that I’m a father.

“I’ve never been more proud to be your father than I am right now. That man,” he says, pointing over his shoulder to tell me he’s referring to my biological father, “doesn’t deserve to get to know the incredible person you are.”

The lump in my throat feels like it is the size of a football. “Thank you.” I feel like a shy little kid, unworthy of the no-holds-barred love he’s given me my whole life when I haven’t always been easy. Fuck. Who am I kidding? I’ve been a nightmare. And yet the quip that’s on my tongue dies when I look back to his eyes. I see love and approval and pride and shit that makes me uncomfortable to see. I know Ace needs to see it every day of his life so he can know exactly what I feel right now.

“No need to thank me, son.” We stare at each other for a moment, years of unspoken words traded in the span of silence. “Now . . . I’m sure you didn’t stop by to hear me blather on. What can I do for you?”

Just like him to lay down the law and then act like we’re not even in court.

“Believe it or not, you gave me the answer anyway.”

And he did. Tons of answers, in fact. He turned wounds into wisdom.

The most important thing is that he let me be who I needed to be, guided me when I needed it, and let me figure shit out on my own when I was too stubborn to ask for help. Regardless, he let me grow, let me experience, let me chase the goddamn wind as I raced, and the fact he was by my side without judgment the whole time, made me the man I am today.

Now I can’t wait to be that exact same man for Ace.

I STARTLE AWAKE.

Justin’s arms have fallen off me in sleep, and I struggle to remember the last time I slept this deeply. The last thing I remember was memory number who knows what that had to do with zip-lining through the forests of Costa Rica.

Naked.

I seem to think every one of his memories had to do with me being naked. It’s kind of funny. Kind of not.

I sit up and look at Ace asleep in the bassinet. His hands are up over his head, lips are suckling even in his sleep. I stare and wonder what type of person he’ll be. What will his future hold? Images that are so crystal clear slide through my head: first smiles, first steps, first day of school, first date. So many of them have this little boy with dark hair and green eyes and freckles over the bridge of his nose it’s almost as if I’ve seen a picture of what he’s going to look like before.

But the one thing I don’t expect, don’t even notice until it hits me like a lightning strike, is that the oppressive weight of dread and doom doesn’t come. It doesn’t drop one single time to darken my thoughts or steal my calm.

I wait for it. Hope for the best, expect for the worst for a while. But the panic, the sweat, the fingers clawing at my throat and squeezing my heart, don’t come.

All that does is a soft smile on my lips. Not one forced or laced with guilt that comes because I need to show I’m improving, but rather because I really feel it.

Tears well. Big fat tears slide down my cheeks. And the funny thing is the taste of the salt as it hits my lips is like a smelling salt waking me up from passing out. And I’m not sure how long this is going to last but for the first time in the six weeks since Ace’s birth, I feel optimistic, hopeful . . . like me.

So I sit in this mass of a bed with my sweet baby boy beside me—who I desperately want to pick up but was fussy and difficult for Justin to put down tonight. I want to pull him tight to my chest and tell him he’s been my heartbeat throughout this mess. Apologize to him. Say words about events he’s never going to even know or remember but that will make me feel a little better.

I’m transfixed by him, feeling like I’m looking at him for the first time and in a sense I am, because he’s already grown and changed so much. I feel like I have to make up for lost time, although I know I have a whole lifetime to do that with him. Hesitantly, I reach out to touch him and then pull back when he squirms, smelling the milk on me.

And even though I shift back onto the bed, I can’t take my eyes off him. He’s so beautiful. Everything I’ve ever wanted. My ace in a loaded deck of cards.

The thought makes me smile. Memories colliding of that first encounter between Justin and me—jammed closets and first kisses and fear over how strong the chemistry was between the player and this good girl—when I first called him Ace.

A chance encounter that lead to this moment. Right here. Right now. Where so much love fills me that I’m swamped by it. And I’ll take being swamped by love because I’ve been drowning in sadness for what feels like forever.

I look at him now. My achingly handsome husband. His dark hair is a little longer than normal, falling over his forehead. Dark lashes fan on bronze skin. That perfectly imperfect nose of his. And those lips that have murmured memories he wants to make with me every single night over the past five-plus weeks.

Rogue, rebel, reckless. Those words still apply to him. As do so many others that would make him blush, roll his eyes, and play them off because they make this stoic man uncomfortable. My rock is the one I can’t seem to get out of my head. Because that’s exactly what he has been to me.

My everything.

Just like with Ace, I reach out my hand and pull it back. He deserves a good night’s sleep. Some peace and quiet since he has been the one handling all of my noise. And yet I can’t resist. Never can when it comes to him.

I lean forward and press a soft kiss to his lips, wanting nothing more than this connection with him. My body is still recovering, and the thought of sex is the furthest thing from my battered mind, and yet this simple touch, lips to lips, completes the sensation that something is still missing.

It’s probably bogus, my mind still playing tricks on me, and yet the spark that hits when I kiss him jumpstarts every part of my body drugged by the postpartum depression back to life.

My hands frame his cheeks as I brush my lips to his again, need becoming want, want becoming all-consuming. The desire to feel his touch in a way that’s not to soothe but rather to sate a need.

A gasp of breath. A flash open of startled eyes. A reach of his hands to grab onto mine holding him.

“Selena.” His voice. That sexy, sleep-drugged voice that calls to me as he says my name and owns my soul.

“Yeah. It’s me.” And I mean it in every sense of the word. His emerald eyes widen and lips part in shock as he pulls me into him. One arm wraps around my back and the other cradles the back of my head as he presses me into his chest.

Our hearts connect. His feels like it wants to jump out of his chest and collide with mine as it beats an erratic yet familiar rhythm that is one hundred percent ours.

His hands hold me tight and don’t let go. He’s already lost me once, and I love the knowledge he’s going to make damn sure I’m not going to leave again.

The scrape of his stubble as he rubs his cheek against mine, a subtle sting of coarse to soft tells me this is real, this is him, and I am loved. Irrevocably.

The scent of soap and shampoo still lingers from his shower. The smell of home, of comfort . . . of safety as I breathe him in.

Everything seems so new and yet so familiar all at the same time. Whoever said the only way to find yourself is to get completely lost, knew exactly what they were talking about.

His hand fists my hair and pulls my head back. Emerald eyes own my soul when they meet mine. They ask if this is a dream, if I’m really here, and I do the only thing I can. I lean forward and take a sip from his lips—the taste of his kiss is seared into my soul, one I’ll never forget—and it reawakens my senses the minute it hits my tongue.

We move in the darkness.

Two soulmates reuniting.

Two best friends grateful to have their other half.

Two lovers rediscovering each other in an intimate dance of tongues and the slide of fingertips over thirst-starved flesh.

Two parts of a puzzle finally realizing their piece of peace they’ve been missing has been found.

Once again.

PART 1

Eight months later

THE TURBULENCE JOLTS ME AWAKE.

Well, that’s what I’ll tell the twenty or so people on the other side of the door. Because it sure as shit isn’t the turbulence that wakes me up. No. It’s Selena’s hand sliding into my pants, fingernails tickling my nuts, and soft-as-fuck lips, kissing the underside of my jaw.

“Selena . . .” I sigh.

“Be quiet,” she warns against my skin, my body already fully alert at this unexpected wake-up call. Her other hand slides up beneath my shirt. Nails against bare skin. Teeth nipping my earlobe. Hot breath against my neck. “Your mom has Ace. You were asleep. And I was horny.”

Well, damn.

I glance at the cabin door, visually make sure the latch is set to lock before I lay my head back and close my eyes. Her tongue then does something to me that sends a jolt of electricity straight down my spine connecting to where her fingers are slowly stroking me.

“Horny is good.” Her lips meet mine as she climbs astride me. Tongues and teeth. Greed and need. Wet against hard. Goddamn she’s hot. Sexy fucking hot. “But it’s going to take a whole helluva lot more to get me to tell you where we are going.”

The stutter in her movement tells me I’m right, know her angle: confession by orgasm. Not a bad way to be tortured but my lips are sealed.

Maybe I’ll wait to tell her though. I’ve been to a lot of places with her, but the mile-high club isn’t one of them.

Maybe it’s time to venture there.

She sits up, a taunt in her eye and determination on her face. But that pout on her lips tells me she’s game to change my mind.

Change away, Selena.

“Guess I’ll just have to take care of myself then.”

Don’t you dare. My eyes say it but lips don’t. I’m too goddamn focused on her hands traveling over her tits, hard nipples visible through the thin cotton, down to where her fingers pull up her loose skirt inch by fucking inch. And then they disappear beneath the flowy fabric so I can’t see shit.

But I sure as fuck see her head fall back, lips fall open, and hear the sigh fall from her lips as her hands begin to move in a motion I know all too well. Quick strokes of her finger to add friction to her clit.

Motherfucker.

Another quiet moan. Her back arches. Tits push forward. Hands move quicker, harder. Her skirt inches up farther so I can see the slick arousal on her fingers.

She’s playing me and I don’t even have a ball in her court. Playing with fire when I want to be the only one striking the goddamn matchstick.

My stick’s out all right. Now I just need to light the flame.

Within a beat I have Selena flipped over, hands cuffed beside her head, and our faces inches apart. “You’re playing with fire, sweetheart,” I tease between teeth gritted in restraint.

The scent of her arousal on her fingers fills my nose. Temptation at its fucking finest. Two can play this game, sweetheart. I lower my mouth, take the tips of her fingers between my lips and suck. Tongue laving over them, savoring her addictive taste. Her body squirms beneath me. A moan hums in the back of her throat.

“Don’t make a sound,” I whisper around her fingers.

One final suck. One last taste. One last hit. I look down at her beneath me. Her lips are parted, cheeks are flushed, and her eyes are heavy with desire. Goddamn sex personified.

And thank fuck for that because I’m digging in and taking what’s mine. Her orgasm. Her moans. Her scratch marks. And every damn thing in between.

“Burn, baby, burn,” she taunts with a gleam in her eyes as I release her hands so I can free my dick. And before I can pull my pants down far enough to free my thighs, her hand is pulling up her skirt, and bringing herself back to the brink of climax.

It’s such a turn-on. Watching her own her sexuality. Getting herself off. But it’s too damn much—the need to have, to take, to claim—and so I do just that.

With one hand on her throat and my dick in her pussy, I dive head first into the addiction that is everything about her. And at thirty-eight thousand feet above the middle of nowhere, she comes quickly—legs tensed, eyes locked on mine, and lips pulled tight—with my hand over her mouth to muffle her moans. The look on her face and her pussy pulsing around my dick pulls me over the edge so I can chase her.

When I catch my breath and look down at her all I can do is shake my head. “That’s one hell of an effort,” I whisper, leaning down to press my lips to hers, “but even your voodoo pussy isn’t magic enough to get me to tell you.”

She laughs. That’s all she can do.

Goddamn, I’m a lucky man.

PART 2

THE AIRPORT WAS A THATCH hut. We walked straight from the private jet to the awaiting cars, and the road we’re on is rutted dirt that requires serious suspension. Ben Montague plays on the radio as I take in the foliage, thick and green around us, causing my curiosity to grow with each passing bump along the road.

Where in the hell is he taking me?

I think back to the look on our boys’ faces when we deplaned on the tarmac. Their incessant chatter filled the air. My parents’ laughter as they became caught up in Justin’s mysterious family vacation. The knowing glance between Becks and Justin, and Haddie’s squeeze of my hand before we all loaded into our waiting vehicles. The shower of kisses rained down upon Ace by his adopted brother and his six other brothers—who claim him simply because we unceremoniously claim them—before we separate in three separate car arrangements. The happiness in my heart when Zander looked up and met my eyes. Unspoken words passed between us. Thank yous to Justin and I for saving him and at the same time allowing him to still be a part of the family he’d made with the boys. The slight smile on his lips and lift of his head to ask if it’s okay to ride with them instead of us was all I needed to know we made the right choice. That we didn’t harm the others by saving Zander.

And off we went.

Two vans: one driven by Becks and Haddie with the boys, and the other driven by Andy with the rest of our family. A whole lot of smiles as the doors closed and not much explanation by Justin on the two-way radios other than “we’re almost there.”

And then there’s the three of us in our Jeep. The SUV jostles in the terrain and pulls me back to the sights around us, all the while reminding me how fortunate I am to have everyone here. My boys. My family. My husband.

My everything.

Well, everything except for not knowing where we are, why we’ve been divided, or where we’re headed.

I glance over to Justin. I know it’s useless to ask again because he’s not going to give me an answer.

Live dangerously with me, Selena.

His words to me flicker through my memory, and I can’t help but smile. I want to tell him I’ll live dangerously a million times over so long as he never gives up on me. But I know I don’t have to worry about that happening. He’s already proven he won’t. So I do the only thing I can. I shake my head in disbelief and accept how full of love my heart is for him.

We’ve been through so much in the last year. Things I never thought we’d have to face hit us head-on, blindsided us, and knocked us flat on our asses. Yet here we are, stronger because of it. And I’m not oblivious to the fact we survived when so many other couples wouldn’t have.

How could we not have? It’s permanent, right?

And I glance back to check on Ace, the reason we fought so hard to find our piece of peace again. He seems completely unfazed by this rough ride. I take in his dark hair with a bit of a wave at the ends—the perfect combination of Justin’s color and my texture—and my smile is automatic. Green eyes look up and steal my heart like they do every single time they meet mine. Just like his father’s.

He babbles something incoherently, chubby cheeks bulging and hands waving in emphasis. I may have no idea where we are going, but I know he’s going to be in heaven having all of his brothers, his grandparents, and aunts and uncles here to play with and give him nonstop attention.

“We’ve lost them,” I say, as alarm moves through me when I glance up from Ace and notice the vans aren’t behind us.

“Becks knows where he’s going. They’re fine.” It’s all he says. Nothing else. I’d love to wrap my hands around that sexy neck of his and force him to tell me where we are and where he’s taking me.

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

Gah! I tried sex on the plane, sweet-talking, and just about anything else I could imagine but nope, the man won’t budge. I just hope wherever the hell we are, my clothes are suitable, because it’s not like he gave me a chance to pack. Who knew Justin would surprise us all after the first race of the season by flying us from St. Petersburg to wherever we are now?

Definitely not me.

I look back at Ace to see his eyes closing. The rocking of the car has lulled him to sleep. When I turn around, the view out the windshield hijacks my breath: white sand, palm trees swaying in the breeze, and a small hut on stilts stretched out over the crystal clear water.

“Justin!” I glance over to him and then back to the sight before me, and then back to him. A slow, shy smile turns up one corner of his mouth—dimple winking—but it’s the look in his eyes that holds me rapt.

And something fires in my mind, covered somewhere in cobwebs but I must be crazy trying to figure it out when all of this is in front of me.

Justin opens the door and I glance back, deciding to leave Ace sleeping for a moment while I admire the view. I get out of the car as Justin comes around the front, a knowing smile still on his lips, and love in his eyes.

“Do you know this place?” he asks, head angled, hands reaching out to pull me against him.

“What? Justin! This is just . . .” I’m shocked, curious, floored, and grateful as I look up at him with confusion in my eyes.

“I wanted to take a family vacation. We all deserve it after this year, don’t you think?” he asks. I know him well enough to know he’s holding something back. What it is though, I don’t know.

“This place is incredible.” I’m still in his arms but my head swivels from side to side to take it all in.

“And secluded,” he adds, causing my focus to turn back on him.

“I like secluded,” I murmur.

“And bathing suits are optional.”

The laugh comes freely. “I’m sure they are,” I respond as my mind fires again, but this time it all comes back to me. Knocks me flat on my ass. Takes hold of my heart and squeezes so damn tight my chest hurts from love.

My eyes flash up to his—violet to green—and the words fall from my mouth in a whisper. “This . . . this is from . . .” He nods his head, smile spreading, and waits as my words pause and mind recalls. “When I was sick. This is one of the memories you said you wanted to make with me.” Awe owns my voice as I try to comprehend that he did this for me.

“Yes,” he whispers and brushes his lips against mine in the most tender of kisses. The kind that owns your soul and completes your heart. “It’s the first of many of those memories I plan to make come true for you. We’re going to have to buy a lot more frames to put them in.”

“Justin . . .” Tears well in my eyes as I pull him closer, the moment so poignant I’m at a loss for words.

“And yes, there is a very skimpy bikini on the bed in there for you that is for my eyes only. Or you can skip it and just run around naked.”

“Run around naked?” I say as I look back toward the car where Ace sleeps.

“And that’s why our family is at a huge house about three miles down the road. Babysitters,” he says with a quirk of his eyebrows.

“You’ve thought of everything,” I murmur against his lips.

“Mm-hmm,” he says as he presses a kiss to my nose.

“I can’t wait to see you in that loincloth.”

He throws his head back and laughs, the vibrations of it echoing in my chest, and all I can do is stare at him. And then laugh with him. Because if we’ve learned one thing in our marriage it’s that we need to laugh as much as we breathe and love like we are the air that allows us to do both.

I stare at him—stubbled cheeks, emerald eyes, and dark hair—and all I see is happiness. All I feel is love. All I know is completeness. All I want is forever with him.

My husband.

My rock.

My piece of peace.

My memory maker.

My happily ever after.

THE END

[yes-dal456]

The Health And Beauty Benefits Of Green Vegetables

For Allure, by Ramona Emerson.

The other day, my mother asked if we should have waffles for breakfast, and my response shocked even me: “What if we had a salad?” In the weeks since Allure asked me to write about leafy greens, I’ve changed. Once a kale agnostic, I’m now a Devout Kale Orthodox. The kind of person who eats spinach for breakfast and offers unsolicited advice to strangers in line at the salad bar: “You know, romaine is actually healthier than arugula.” (I know, spoiler alert. Just sit tight for a minute.)

All the Good They’re Doing

The more I learned about leafy greens, the more of them I ate, and the more I ate, the more I wanted to eat. “It’s a virtuous cycle,” says Dean Ornish, the president of the Preventive Medicine Research Institute in Sausalito, California. “You feel so much better so quickly that it becomes positive reinforcement.” While I can’t say I felt physical changes immediately, the psychological benefits were instantaneous. Nothing makes you feel more superior than pulling out a Tupperware container of collard greens in front of your colleagues. I may have become a zealot, but as cults go, the cult of greens isn’t a bad one to be in. (Although maybe every cult member feels this brand of righteousness?)

Nothing makes you feel more superior than pulling out a Tupperware container of collard greens in front of your colleagues.

It seems like every week there’s a new study telling us that a food we thought was healthy is, in fact, the sole reason for the decline of civilization. But think about the Leafies. There’s a reason you’ve never read a disparaging word about them. Research has shown, over and over again, that there’s practically no anatomical system that doesn’t benefit from more kale, more spinach, more watercress. They lower the risk of heart attack and stroke; they’re linked to lower blood pressure; they keep the digestive tract healthy; they help you see better; they’re protective against many types of cancer; and they even play a role in combating mental decline.

Here’s a gross oversimplification: They have pretty much every nutrient our bodies need, with the exception of protein and fat. But when I suggested to registered dietitian Tanya Zuckerbrot that I might go on an all-green diet, she quickly set me straight: “An average woman would have to eat 50 cups of kale per day to get adequate calories.” OK, so you shouldn’t eat only greens, but they actually are a good source of one kind of fat: omega-3, which is associated with alleviating everything from mood disorders to eczema. Fish is usually the go-to for this essential fatty acid, but omega-3s originally come from greens. Fish get them from eating algae, which, as everyone knows, are the salad of the sea!

One place where greens have been shown to be more beneficial than other vegetables or fruits is in the brain. Scientists are beginning to seriously examine the effects of diet on brain function. What they’re finding is great news for anyone who thought cognitive decline was due to unlucky genes. When Martha Clare Morris, a nutritional epidemiologist at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, tracked the eating habits and brain health of almost 1,000 adults over five years, she found that those who ate one to two servings of green leafy vegetables per day had the mental abilities of someone 11 years younger than those who didn’t eat greens. “Of all of the different types of vegetables, green leafy appear to be most related to protection against cognitive decline,” says Morris.

So what is it about greens that make them so good for you? It probably has something to do with the tough life of a leaf. Think of the leaf as the engine of the plant: It’s where photosynthesis, the process of turning light into fuel for the plant, occurs. Photosynthesis creates something called reactive oxygen species, which are turbocharged free radicals that wreak havoc in cells. To combat this molecular chaos, leaves produce tons of antioxidants. “Antioxidants put the brakes on those free radicals and keep those electrons from bombarding everything in the plants’ cells,” says Auriel A. Willette, an assistant professor of food science and human nutrition at Iowa State University. Antioxidants do the exact same thing in our bodies and have been linked to all kinds of health benefits, including protection against cancer and heart disease.

Some of the most well studied are carotenoids, which our bodies convert to vitamin A. The amount of carotenoids correlates to the amount of chlorophyll. So the more chlorophyll you have, the more carotenoids there are. This is why you always hear that the darker green the vegetable, the more nutritious it is — specifically, it’s richer in carotenoids. Among other benefits, carotenoids have been found to accumulate in the eyes and prevent macular degeneration, a leading cause of blindness. While kale may have the best PR team in the flora kingdom, according to a 2014 study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, it’s not even close to the healthiest green. In fact, it’s less nutrient-dense than romaine lettuce. Are you done screaming into the void?

The researchers looked at how much of 17 different nutrients, including vitamins B, C, and K, were in a bunch of “powerhouse” foods. Then they ranked the foods in terms of nutrient density. The big winner was watercress, which has an average of 100 percent of the daily value of each nutrient per 100 grams. Spinach came in fifth with about 86 percent, and poor kale was way down on the list with 49 percent. According to all the experts I spoke to, this doesn’t mean we should shun kale — the study didn’t measure nutrients like carotenoids and flavonoids, in which kale is particularly high. But we should cover our bases by eating a variety of greens, since they’re basically all good for you. Even lowly iceberg lettuce was ranked above almost every fruit on the list. The extreme complexity of food and how it affects our bodies is why it’s hard to get a simple answer on whether greens should be eaten cooked or raw. While cooking at low heat can break down cell walls and make nutrients easier for the body to absorb, many nutrients, especially water-soluble ones, like vitamin C, are lost during cooking. “There’s no simple rule,” says Morris. “I recommend that people try both.”

Juices vs. Smoothies

Tempting as it is to occasionally drink our meals, experts recommend against drinking your greens. There are three basic problems with green juice: First, many of the nutrients in leafy greens, including vitamins A, D, E, and K and carotenoids, are fat-soluble, meaning they are absorbed much more efficiently if consumed with fat, which green juice usually doesn’t contain. Second, the fiber is filtered out, so you’re going to feel hungry again before you finish the bottle. Third, many contain fruit juice, which ramps up the sugar content significantly. “They might contain 30 to 45 grams of carbohydrates,” says Zuckerbrot. “That’s like taking two pieces of Wonder Bread and pouring green juice on top.” These juices will often advertise that they do not have added sugar, but of course, pineapple or apple juice has plenty of sugar on its own. If you must have your greens liquefied, doctors recommend smoothies way over juices. “I would rather have the whole vegetable blended as opposed to having a juice that is filtered,” says Eric Rimm, a professor at Harvard’s T. H. Chan School of Public Health. “Not only are you losing much of the fiber, but probably also some of the micronutrients and other compounds.”

Green Supplements

This idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts is also why green supplements are not recommended. “There have been several clinical trials testing supplements where they found that even if you grind up watercress or kale, supplements have either not that much of an effect or no effect at all,” says Willette. In fact, green-food supplements might even be bad for you. While lutein, a type of carotenoid, has been shown to slow the thickening of arteries, taking carotenoids in supplement form not only doesn’t reduce heart disease but in some cases increases heart-related complications.

To bastardize Michael Pollan: Eat greens, all kinds, cooked and raw. And since you’re being so virtuous, make it easy. I hate to cook and I love kale, so I eat a lot of kale salads. I also buy my greens prewashed and chopped. Yes, it’s more expensive, but for me it’s the difference between eating them and letting them wilt in the crisper drawer. The important thing is to get greens into your body by any means necessary, because most likely we are only beginning to understand how good they are for us. Says Ornish: “Study after study shows that when people eat a plant-based diet, they feel better — fast.”

Face Plants

We know that what you eat affects how you look. Studies have shown that diets that are high in antioxidants and low in sugar and fat are associated with fewer wrinkles, less sun-induced skin damage, and even reduced acne. But what about bypassing the whole eating part and rubbing kale right on your face? That’s exactly what companies like Bobbi Brown, Pacifica, and Youth to the People are hoping you’ll do with their new leafy-green-infused serums, moisturizers, masks, and cleansers. The companies claim that antioxidants found in kale, spinach, and Brussels sprouts will make your skin taut, glow-y, and generally youthful. The bottom line from dermatologists: “Vitamin C and vitamin E have been used in skin care forever. Whether the nutrients come from kale or something else, they have the same effect,” says Elizabeth Hale, a clinical associate professor of dermatology at NYU Langone Medical Center in New York City. What could potentially set these products apart is that they incorporate the whole food instead of just using individual antioxidants synthesized in a lab. “It’s just like when you eat a whole vegetable. You may be getting more nutrients than we even know about,” says Mona Gohara, a dermatologist at the Yale School of Medicine.

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