#carmenblogs

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How These Pics Say 1000 Words - Literally...

Yesterday was the first time Evan held his cousin’s hand, or any kid’s hand for that matter. And although I asked him to, he did it! I WAS ELATED :) Even though he only walked several feet with him hand in hand, to me, this was huge... He was connecting with another child! I wanted to record every second. I wanted this moment to last forever. And when I tried to record them running, I was too scared to do so because of how fast Evan ran and I feared Jamil would fall. As small as this may sound, I felt a joy I had yet to feel. Jamil, who is typically developed loves Evan and follows him everywhere he goes. As any 3-year-old boy, he seeks Evan’s attention and approval, though most times Evan ignores him: typical behavior for children on the autism spectrum. According to the Mayo Clinic, “Autism spectrum disorder is a condition related to brain development that impacts how a person perceives and socializes with others, causing problems in social interaction and communication.”

Despite the brief attention Evan gave Jamil in the waterpark, he tried his best to impress Evan and hold his attention. With so many kids Jamil’s age all around, he wanted to play with Evan; he insisted on breaking through to him. I stood there and marveled at this sight because Jamil doesn’t see awkwardness or rejection, he sees a big boy he loves and wants to play with. This is rarely the case for my Evan.

Why did this mean so much to me? At almost 11-years-old, Evan has never had a friend. I’m sure it’s not because he wants it that way, but because he doesn’t know how to socialize, other children lose interest in him quickly. With Evan’s 4 brothers being so much older than him, and all living outside of our home, he didn’t grow up in the same environment they did - where they had each other to play with at all times. And so naturally, I often wonder if he feels lonely, despite all the playing around that daddy does with him, and all the times we take him out to play and explore. I can’t help but think about all the friends I had at his age and of how much I needed companionship. At my age, I still need friends and oftentimes, feel lonely. Live About states the importance of friendship as “One of the most overlooked benefits of friendship is that it helps keep our minds and bodies strong. In fact, it’s as important to our physical health as eating well and keeping fit. A recent Harvard study concluded that having solid friendships in our life even helps promote brain health.” So how does Evan feel about not having any friends if he cannot express it? Yes, mommy and daddy will always be his friend, but what about a peer he can relate to? I can’t help but wonder...

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Who Knew Twitter Could Be Therapeutic?

In the past four weeks I’ve been severely struggling with a personal situation. I’ve been depressed and incredibly anxious as I felt as a child whenever there was something I wanted to express to my mother, but knew I couldn’t because of fear of getting the words slapped back in. This feeling is horrible! And although I’m usually one who speaks about the difficult subjects for the purpose of helping someone with a similar situation, I have decided to first go through the experience and the rollercoaster of emotions I have been flushing - learn the lesson this is going to teach me. It’s been by far, the most difficult time of my life and I had no idea that “tweeting” with purpose these last couple of days would be therapeutic. Not only because of what I’ve been able to share, but because of the things people share that I’ve been paying attention to and my interaction since creating my new Twitter account a few days ago. I had no idea that Twitter was meant to be interactive in all the years I had my old account for! Or maybe I just didn’t care much about it once I became involved in Instagram, especially since IG gives you the option of simultaneously sharing your posts on Twitter and Facebook (EXACTLY what I’ve been doing). I am now realizing that using my Twitter and Facebook account became irrelevant to me. Thanks to my New Media class, I’ve learned the importance of social media for writer’s, and how in reality, social media has the potential of becoming my biggest platform. In my class read, Create Your Writer Platform, Sambuchino states, “While it’s imperative that you engage in some kind of social media to build community and construct a platform, how you interact in these communities is entirely up to you” (pg. 155). This book and Social Media for Writers by Tee Morris & Pip Ballantine have been a huge eye opening resources for me! As I’ve read through these books, I have found myself having to take breaks from the literal reality slaps I’ve been receiving. In understanding I have been using Twitter inappropriately and without “purpose and intent” and simply talking, but not listening has been huge! “Twitter is a total waste of your time and anyone who follows you if you’re not following the three rules: Be useful, be personal, be interactive” (Sambuchino, pg. 157). I now hear you Sambuchino, I now hear you!

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My Co-vid Reality...  (Written some time in April 2020)

I have been unable to write with the exception of a few posts for autism awareness. My heart is constantly aching for our suffering world. And any time I dare complain about anything, I look above and thank God for the countless blessings my family and I can rejoice over. We are all healthy! Evan and I do not go out, and only have we left the house on three separate occasions for car rides and fresh air. We went to the beach boardwalk one of those three days and I can’t say it was relaxing, although that was the reason for going there. However, it was, for Evan! Which is what really mattered, considering he is obsessed with water. Our little fish angel.

There were not many people for Orchard beach on a Friday afternoon, but I panicked if anyone came too close to us. Not that they were, but 20-30 feet away on a few occasions was enough to nervously bring my child closer to me. I judged, and judged, and judged, as I do every single time I’ve stepped outside my home. Why is that person not wearing a mask, and why are those people so close together, and OMG, do these group of kids not know this disease is killing people! Why are they hanging out like this isn’t happening! And without a masks all on top of each other! This is how they’ll bring it home to their parents, or their grandparents, or their siblings, aunts or uncles! God, please bless them because none of them know any better.  

I’ll never forget the first time I left my house. I had been home for almost three weeks and went out to McDonald’s to buy my dear friend dinner due to her being stuck at home with Co-vid. I wore my mask and gloves. Stepping out of my home this evening, there was a cool breeze, a breeze that to me, felt infected with the virus. What is going on? My heart is pounding. My stomach feels tight. Why do I feel this way? Even after sitting in my car I felt unsafe. Did Ray wipe everything down in here? The car had just been serviced two days ago. I didn’t dare crack the windows. The streets were deserted. The night felt somber... 

There are three cars in front of me at the McDonald’s drive-thru. I observe if the person in the car in front of me is wearing gloves and a mask before putting down their window to place their order. They are. That’s a smart person, I said to myself. I’m next. I get ready to place my order, but first need to look around to make sure there’s no one outside of my car asking for money (as I’ve often encountered). There’s no one and I’m thankful for that tonight. Not only would it break my heart, but under these circumstances I won’t be able to put down my window and offer them money, as I always do. I could if I wanted to, but I’m petrified. And I don’t want my heart to ache any more, as it does every time I see a homeless person. I place my order and move up. When I approach the window to pick up my food, the servers have NO gloves and NO masks!!!! What in the world are these people thinking! They’re right next to each other! I say a prayer again. 

I take off my gloves and look through my purse for my wallet because I don’t want to spread the virus that I’m convinced is in my gloves, to my belongings. I take out my debit card and put my gloves back on as the server is now impatiently waiting for me. I give him my debit card and he gives me an attitude. I don’t take it personal because I know the fear is real. I know we are all swimming in uncertainty. But why aren’t ya’ll wearing a mask though, while ya’ll serving our food! I want to tell him, but I don’t. This is just not the time. There’s now a car backing up towards me, and then pulls over to the right of me. He’s trying to get my attention and I fearfully, finally put my window down. 

“Sorry to bother you,” he tells me. “But would you please give this back to him and tell him I asked for a girl toy with the happy meal, not a boy one?” Reluctantly, I take the toy and give it to the server and explain. The guy then comes out of the car and grabs the toy. He must’ve seen the fear through my mask. Omg, the server has no gloves and this entire transaction just went down without him being protected. How could this be! I hope he washes that toy before taking the virus home to his child. I couldn’t help but pray...

I drive to my friend’s house who is only like five minutes away. I’m super panicking by now because I now have to get out of my car and into a building. Hold the handrail of the building door, buzz for her to let me in, and walk to the elevator. VIRUS! The elevator is there. I open the door and place the bag directly in front of the elevator for her to receive it upstairs. I’m suffocating by now and realize I’m holding my breath. It’s ok Carmen, you can breathe. You’re wearing an N95 masks, but I’m still freaking out and just want to run out of the building fast before someone walks in and I’m forced to be in close contact with them. I rush into my car, take off my gloves, throw them in a bag, and then obsessively sanitize my hands. I grab the steering wheel and freak out because I forgot to put on a fresh clean pair, corona free, gloves. I sanitize my hands again and put on the gloves. I start to drive away, but my phone rings. I pull over, take off my gloves and grab my phone to answer the call. It’s my friend thanking me for the food. I sanitize my hands and put on my gloves again. I drive home, never having felt this eager to get back. My safe, clean, sanitized, place. I take off one glove to grab my stuff from the car because I don’t want to transmit the corona to my stuff and then take it home! I’m confused again with grabbing my keys, my phone, and my wallet. I don’t know what the heck I touched with the ungloved hands. I go into my home and take everything off by the door, go to the bathroom and scrub myself down. I get some Clorox wipes and disinfect my phone, my keys, my wallet, my debit card, the door knob and anxiously wonder, what have I forgotten to clean? I put on my gloves again and take the McDonalds bag to the table, taking everything out before washing my hands again and daring to eat. I tell my husband, who has been home, to wash his hands because he touched the bag and wrappers. I explain how nerve wrecking the past 30 minutes have been, and he stares at me. “I don’t ever want to go out there again. It was too nerve-wrecking. How the hell do you do this almost every day when you go to work and to the supermarket to shop for us, your parents, my mother, your grandkids because you don’t want none of them to be exposed! But what about you my beloved and angelic husband? You are asthmatic. Who’s going to protect you?” 

[carmeninguanzo]

My Biggest Break Through...

I woke up on the morning of April 25, 2018 with plans to go to the gym. I had a light breakfast, but it didn’t sit well. My stomach felt queasy and unsettled with cramps throughout the entire morning. Again and again I went to the bathroom. What’s going on? It was only toast and tea? I had all intentions of working out but, I knew I couldn't. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with my body, and after going to the bathroom a fourth time, I realized in that moment I was having a full blown anxiety attack that lasted almost the entire day! My heart was racing - ripping its way out of my chest, my stomach was in a knot - that unsettling intuition you feel when something bad is about to happen, and I was having difficulties breathing - as if someone had their hands over my nose and mouth. Oh my God, I’m having an anxiety attack! How could I have missed the signs? I was taken off guard, the way an anxiety attack usually happens, but I missed the signs because it had been a very long time since I felt this way. I’m going to fight through this. Taking an anxiety pill is not an option! It had been almost seven months since I last took an anxiety pill and I was determined to ride this feeling of unbalance and chaos on my own with prayer and meditation. Though I was intentional about what I was doing to self regulate my emotional and psychological state, it wasn't helping, however, I was completely drawn to the words of Sarah Blondin in her guided meditation. I was desperate to calm myself down and because I am a visual learner, I decided to write down the words - writing and pausing, writing and pausing; trying to take them all in.  

Why am I feeling so anxious? How did I get here? Throughout this debilitating episode, I was determined to figure out what caused my anxiety attack and finally, it all made sense. I had become lazy and had discontinued my morning rituals, and despite trying to teach myself not to be judgmental during this process of self-evolution and to love myself exactly where I am, it had been on my mind daily for the past three weeks. How I did I get here? How did I let go of all of the habits I had been cultivating so that I could live my best life? I was no longer getting up at 6:00 am. I was no longer meditating, reading and writing. I was no longer being intentional about my days and the things I was focused on mastering. I was no longer on my vegan diet; a diet I had incorporated because I wanted to see if it made a difference with my bad sinus, though I really hope I can remain vegan one day. I know in my heart I should be eating healthier? Should I become a vegetarian instead? Or perhaps I can’t do either and I should just call it conscious eating? I struggled wondering if I had made the right decision of going back to my old lifestyle. Or maybe I should be moderate instead of going cold turkey? This was obviously something that was consuming me and I couldn’t let it go. Also, I hadn’t been consistent with the things that have helped me with my depression and given me the strength and courage to ween myself off of my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I had done all of this on my own with no medical consultation or supervision. I made the decision and I followed through. Period. What happened with all I’d been trying to cultivate in order to master my mornings and be more productive? I hadn’t continued to work on getting together everything I want to include on my new vision board. I hadn’t been reading as much. I hadn't been listening to the motivational videos and books I had been listening to every day. It was all of the things I’d stopped that will give me the necessary discipline and routine to live my dreams that was building up in my conscious and subconscious. It was no wonder I’d been feeling heavy and so down lately? Yes, I was feeling depressed! I had gone back to my old ways. I had gone back to ignoring my passions and what I knew was bringing me purpose and fulfillment. It was everything that had helped me feel complete. It was all of the exact things that caused me to remain depressed throughout my life. All of it. Inside of me. Manifesting into complete pandemonium. And there it was, I made the biggest discovery ever! The things that make me happy are all inside of me? I’ve been looking outside of myself for my happiness? I can’t slack off! I can’t go back to my old ways... 

This anxiety attack happened one week ago to be exact and since then, I’ve started my morning routines again and feel 100% better. What I learned from this experience is that it’s ok to slack off and not be so hard on myself. It’s ok to be where I am today because I can start over. I’m not perfect and I must remain grateful for the journey and embrace the lessons throughout the way. I am learning to be careful with the labels I put on myself; careful with the feelings of inadequacy I was so use to clinching on to, and I am understanding that it’s ok to still love myself during this process with all of my imperfections. So each time a negative thought comes to mind because I didn't do what I planned out to do, I simply say to myself, “it’s ok Carmen, you can start over tomorrow.” I am learning to love and appreciate myself even when I slack off. I’ve come such a long way and these are all lessons that will only make me a better version of myself. I must be gentle and embrace the process of evolution. My evolution. I am learning to focus on the good things I have going for myself instead of dwelling only on all the negative things. I remind myself of my accomplishments as big or small as they may be. It is important. Carmen, you have not given up on school no matter how difficult it’s becoming. This June makes three years since you enrolled back in college and you haven’t dropped out! You are still holding the above 3.7 gpa you said you would all throughout this time. You just finished writing your second piece to be published on Proud to Be Latina magazine. You have an essay being published in an upcoming anthology this year. You have a child with special needs whom you give so much love and attention to because his needs are nothing little or can be unattended to. You have a life and so much on your plate woman! 

You see how much easier it is to fall into old patterns and feel inadequate? You see the importance of learning self-care? You see the process? It takes SO much, and it can be so difficult at times, but it’s worth the discipline. It’s worth the struggle. I’m here to show you my journey. The good, the ugly, and the in between. With so much love and with zero judgments :) 

I’d like to share with you one of the most powerful words I’ve ever heard. Here is the guided meditation I said I wrote, Learning to Surrender by Sarah Blondin. I hope and pray this helps someone, the way it helped me... Here is the link from the Insight Timer app, http://insig.ht/gm_3393. Here are all the words:

The night comes, and we give ourselves permission to dissolve, into the rest of darkness. We let go of all the values and rivers we wish to cross, and our dreams for some distant future. We allow ourselves the gift of rest, returning to the calmness of our breaths. The silence of our minds, and the heavily dance with the night’s curious dreams. When we wake in the morning as our eyes open we slowly begin to step back into our minds voice. We dress ourselves, not just in clothing, but with all of the things we neatly placed at our bedside while we slept. We look outside our windows longingly for our place in the stars, not noticing we are the ones weighing ourselves down. Subconsciously we adorn ourselves in yesterdays news, and the rejuvenation we have earned from our sleep is quickly exchanged, for heavy and worn out ideas of what our lives couldlook like, if only we could somehow get to where we were going. We walk invisibly cocooned, with all of the things we wish to control. We think that by keeping these things close that, we will be able to manage them. If we keep our worries in plain sight, we will have less of a chance of them coming true. When in fact the very act of doing so is causing us to live in the places we are trying to avoid. Surrender means to give up, abandon, relinquish, to wave the white flag. What a beautifully divine word. A word we should choose at every chance we can remember, for as the story goes, we are not in control. We are floating on a cosmic river carried from the stars into our mother’s wombs, out into the world, where we then resume the same course only now grounded in body. If we continuously release our needs for controlling the flow, and stop ourselves from worrying about rocks we mayhit, we allow divine grace to enter our lives. The more we trust, the journey, itself, the more fluid and joyful life becomes. The more we constrict, the more worry and burden we pick up along the way, the denser we become. The more we sink like rocks to the bottom of our river, we then ground ourselves in the turbulent waters rather, than allowing ourselves to be carried to the calm, cool waters. Instead of feeling fear of all that may come bouncing forth from the unknown, feel intrigued, delighted even that something new is being born at every second. What we are trying so hard to avoid or hold in place, may in fact be our dreams, trying to come into form. There will be moments in your life where all will seem in chaos in disharmony, and in those moments you must remember the universe is, reordering in your life to match more of what you are calling forth. Wait not in fear while this happens, for it is a necessary part of the birthing process. Keep faith, trust. Work with continued heart intention, but let go when it asks, and take peace in the unfolding that will soon come. Fear, is useless in these times. Trust, however, is paramount. While we are co-creating with our life force, we are also, at its mercy, and must learn to trust, it is in our favor. This does not mean we stop trying to create our best life. It does not mean we give up in the face of adversity or stress it means, we simply let go of the hold it has on our physical body. We see what is coming forward and remain working with focused intention, yet release the stress and grip it has on us.    

Do this in meditation- Close your eyes and take three deep breathes. Release a little more dropping down closer and closer to the earth. Feel how it loves you, and you love it. Notice how good it feels to be in your skin, present to the life living within you.  

Notice any tension in your body, in your neck, in your lower back or your shoulders. Take the shallow breath in your chest and make it more full, and pleasure-full. These places of tension, is where you are holding a secret fear, that you are not supported, that you have been forgotten, that life does not love you, that you are failing. See how these fears, do not serve you. Let them go. Acknowledge that you are being weighed down and choose, even if just for this moment, to surrender. Take a moment to notice the peace trying to lovingly hold you. Now imagine cutting the ties to these tense places, and allow yourself to be carried into the mysterious and nourishing waters raging around you. You are being asked to surrender to the beauty trying to unfold, the beauty trying to bring you to that far off land of dreams you’ve been looking outside of yourself for. Understand that it has been trying to take you there all along. Now get out of your own way, and allow it to. And when you open your eyes in the morning, and you feel the rush of consciousness flood back into your body, sink not into the old, worn out ideas you have been holding. Let yourself be relieved, by the journey that is your life, unfolding. Rest, in knowing, that same peace you experience as you sleep is still with you when you wake. Surrender dear one. Surrender…

[carmeninguanzo]

Day 11, Eating Healthy for My Sinus...

Self-care is not for the faint of heart and I don’t say this to make you think you aren’t capable of embarking on your journey to find your true self, because I believe we all can. Heck, if I am able to do this, so can you! And I don’t say this lightly because I am someone who was ruled by depression my entire life! What I am saying is that it takes everything we’ve got to be consistent, stay motivated, be awake to the signs that will promote changes and cultivate those changes into our daily lives. We have to dig deep and fight against all those old feelings and habits that keep us from discovering our authentic self; we have to literally go to war with ourselves. That authentic self we all have within us but was once silenced by all those who took part in raising us and whose limiting values and beliefs were instilled in us. That authentic self that we have hidden because we want to fit into society and be loved by others before we love ourselves. It’s not an easy task to take on, but a necessary one if we want to ever reveal our true selves again. 

When I started this journey five years ago, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted or where this journey was leading me. I had no idea that self-care required a proper balance of diet, exercise and stress management, and that one couldn’t co-exist without the other when done properly. The only thing I was looking for was how to manage my depression without the use of medication because taking medication was taboo, it was something I heard most people say was a bad thing and only for the weak which is why I hid my depression for most of my life. But experience taught me this was bullshit because when you find yourself with the urgency to stay alive, NOTHING should be taboo, and that, I realized the day I told my husband I needed to be institutionalized. “I am so fucking depressed that if you don’t take me to a long-term hospital, I don’t know what I’ll do to myself!” That shit was fucking real. That shit is nothing to play with. That shit is what took my best friend’s life...

I have recently embarked on a vegan diet because I’m curious to see if eliminating everything derived from animals will help my sinus. It’s been over a year since I’ve been dealing with an undiagnosed sinus headache that nothing the doctors have prescribed has helped. And because I’ve been leaning more towards a holistic approach is why I am trying this diet. In all of the reading and research I’ve been doing, I’ve learned that certain foods can make us really sick, while others can heal us. After watching What the Health and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix several years ago, I decided I would finally give it a try. I’ve always known that my relationship with food has been severely unhealthy and that I had to do something about it one day before it was too late. And that just because I’ve been at a healthy weight and each time I’ve gone for a physical I’ve had a clean bill of health, didn’t mean all the unhealthy eating wasn’t going to one day catch up to me. However much I thought about these documentaries, I knew then, I wasn’t ready to embark on such a journey, especially when I have always used food for comfort. It was, after all, what helped me cope with my depression and anxiety for most of my life. And though I had no clue of when or if this time would ever come, I realize now that working on my emotional well being had to come first. Never did I imagine that when I sat down to watch What the Health again two weeks ago, the next day I would go cold turkey and eliminate meats, seafood, eggs and dairy (which of course includes mayonnaise, my favorite! And cheeses, oh how I love and miss my fresh mozzarella and feta!) I am proud to say that I am on Day 11 and have been sticking to my diet EVEN when I attended my niece’s 16th birthday dinner at Edo’s Japanese Restaurant last Sunday! I was the only one out of 20 people that didn’t eat meat or seafood, and no eggs in my fried rice (I almost died). I didn’t even have the soup which is my favorite of all because it was made from chicken broth! Now that was hard, but I knew in my soul I was committed. And though I will be honest and say I didn’t miss eating what everyone else was having, I did not eat my food with joy or satisfaction because I felt a hunger that the rice with no eggs, salads and vegetables did not fulfill that day. As much as I contemplated not going to my niece’s bday dinner, I am glad I did because I learned a lesson that day. I discovered that when I had no restrictions in my diet, I had been eating to satisfy whatever emotion I was feeling at the time and not the real hunger... 

I will not lie and say it hasn’t been hard, because it has. My emotions have been all over the place like a rollercoaster, and I cannot say I miss most things because I don’t, but I can honestly say I feel deprived. And when hunger strikes I don’t just eat whatever comes to mind or the first thing I can get my hands on to satisfy the emotional cravings that normally feed my brain signals and NOT my body. However, my willpower has been tested. I’ve been feeling the downs of depression these last couple of days, something I hadn’t felt in a couple of months and I’m thrilled to have been able to fight through the cravings of everything I normally turn to when feeling this way. While on this diet, I have also become very clear with the fact that I did not stop eating these things because I am an animal activist, though I do hate that animals are slaughtered for our selfish consumption and is completely unnecessary for our survival. I say this because I do not know where this journey will take me and I cannot say that I’ll never eat animal products again, but I do know for sure that if I do, it’ll be in absolute moderation. And I have, however, realized that this journey has been teaching me to have a healthy relationship with my body by learning to eat for my health, and not for my emotions; something I never thought I’d be doing!

And lastly, the realization behind this part of self-care- Eating healthy has been something I’ve always dreamt of doing and though I never really thought I’d ever do, my soul never stopped wishing for it. I didn’t know how or when it would happen if it ever did, but I’ll tell you this.. When you become intentional about the things you want in life, self-care being my main priority these past couple of months, the Universe will begin to align itself at your favor. And I say this because I started a workout routine again (for my health, not my physical appearance), and little did I know that a week later I’d be taking care of my body in other ways, in better ways, like eating healthy <3

[carmeninguanzo]

Prayers for Sammy...

She was a single mother to her only child, and every morning via zoom I watched as she cradled her boy during the morning routines, as she tried to keep up with her boy during gym classes. I had never met her since this entire school year has been virtual. But I’ve heard the story about her untimely death this past Wednesday due to fucking Covid. I’ve cried for her. I’ve cried for her boy these last couple of days and nights. 

You see, Sammy is an only child. He’s twelve-years-old, just like my boy. He’s nonverbal and on the higher side of the autism spectrum, just like my boy. How will he be able to understand that he can’t see his mommy ever again - at least not in this lifetime. How can he survive this? I cannot help but wonder... I’ve heard his father is also a much older ill man who lives in Africa, and whose beliefs were different when it came to raising a child with autism. And so his mother had no one, except an elderly sister who has decided she cannot watch him and will put him in a group home if his father doesn’t come for him. Who will give him comfort, love, and support when he needs it most? Who will walk with him through the life challenges he will inevitably face? Will he ever recover from this trauma? How could this have happened? I’m having a difficult time trying to make sense of this because that woman deserved to live for her son. Until Covid, she had lived a healthy life, I've been told. That boy deserved to have his mommy here with him still today! How could I not be sad about this? How could you not be sad after hearing such devastating news?

As parents, our hearts ache at the thought of something happening to us and leaving our children. However, many of us with typically developed children know that eventually, they’ll be okay. Eventually, they’ll be able to care for themselves and go on with their lives. But as a parent to a child with special needs that cannot yet take care of himself, and perhaps never will, THIS hits differently. This is a fear my husband and I live with daily. And although our faith in God is huge, this is our reality. 

And so when I think about what Sammy’s mother went through as she felt her life slipping away, wondering if her son would be okay - my heart breaks. Last night, as I massaged Evan’s body, as I do every night after his warm bath. As I cuddled him in his bed and read him bedtime stories, I prayed for him. I couldn’t help but wonder what nighttime routines Sammy would be forever missing with his mommy. Tears and snot covered my cheeks, my mouth, and my pillow. I will forever keep Ms. Sharon in my heart and prayers. Praying that wherever she is, she can one day find peace. In the meantime, I will continue to try and find out about his whereabouts and figure out in what small way I can make a difference in his life. In the meantime, PLEASE keep this little angel in your prayers too. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let's ALL pray that his daddy, who arrives today to sign papers, will instead decide to take him. I pray he realizes what an angel his son truly is, and how much he needs him now more than ever. I pray they find comfort in each other.

My Evan had been sad too, and every now and then, we’d find him tearing. I wonder if he knows what’s going on and if he’s feeling his buddy’s pain...