#why do i feel so goddamn bad i dont get it i dont get it but its knockinf me off my feet
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TT: So, any question?
GT: Just ask it, im already beginning to regret this little lightning round.
TT: Okay.
TT: Why are we not dating?
GT: Er... well.
GT: We never broke up, did we?
TT: We absolutely did.
TT: I distinctly remember talking to a dork wearing candy-colored suspenders and telling him that we were over.
GT: I cant quite remember that... those trickster drugs packed quite the wallop, huh!
GT: Except for you, mister straightedge.
GT: Anyways, if a breakup happened while one person was on a sugar high acid trip, did it really happen?
GT: Fine!
TT: Yes.
TT: You didn't answer the question.
GT: Cripes, dirk what kind of cockamamie question is that anyways?
GT: We arent dating because we arent! Youve never so much as asked me out to the sockhop, how would we be dating?
TT: Dude.
TT: We made out like, twice last month.
GT: Oh for the love of, i was bored!!!
GT: A guy can only watch the nolan batman movies so many times before he decides its worth shoving his tongue down his best bros throat so hell pause the damn flick.
TT: I thought you liked movies! It's a comic book movie, it's Nolan, it's the perfect intersection of our two vibes.
GT: Well im not a fan!
GT: Now the schumacher films--
TT: Off topic again.
GT: Okay you want the truth dirk?
GT: I dont want to be playing second fiddle to your goddamn clone!
TT:
TT: Hal?
GT: No the you thats squatting in my head YES OF COURSE ITS HAL!!!
TT: You're jealous. Of Hal.
TT: Of my autoresponder.
GT: Okay, first off you know damn well that he isnt just "your autoresponder." Self-centered much?
GT: And secondly, its not jealousy, its priorities!
GT: How can I expect to date a guy who spends so much time monitoring his robotic mirror self?
GT: I can barely get the time of day from you sometimes i swear.
TT: Come on, I'm not that bad.
TT: I just have to keep a consistent watch on him to make sure he's not turning 9000 on me.
TT: And anyways, if anything Hal would be the side chick.
GT: Wow gee dirk well let me just yank down my bloomers and get busy then!
GT: You really know how to make a lady feel special. Nothing makes a gal feel like a million bucks than being assured that no, the *other* girl is the side-hussy!
TT: I.
TT: Am going to go.
TT: I have things to do.
GT: I dont think hal likes being called a thing anymore!
TT: GOODBYE!!!
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tumblr stopped being fun at some point in the last like 3 weeks. i hope it comes back. i feel awful.
#i wish guilt wasnt a factor here#i feel bad about not providing content#idk i just#its 7am here and i havent slept quite yet#im really sad right now#like on the verge of tears but theyre not coming#im saving up to get back on hrt but its so fucking goddamn expensive#my hormones are having a fucking hard time balancing themselves i think#like theres a mountain of problems im faced with right now and theyre too real and i just want to burrow into the recesses of my own mind#and like stay there forever#it sucks when the “i feel broken” thing is manifesting in very real ways#when like your mental health issues are causing real tangible problems n shit#ive been too depressed and lacking in motivation to do anything with my life and its put me in a hole i dont feel capable of crawling from#im just#endlessly frustrated at my inability to function#which gets more potent the longer it goes on and the worse things get#blegh when did this become a vent post no thanks#whatever#people have already unfollowed me in the last 2 weeks of inactivity why should i hold myself back from posting this#i feel like im supposed to turn to drugs at this point lol#like thats the logical progression here#shame thats not a thing im willing to do#unless someone links me to a dubious but entirely safe source of adderall or something#amphetamines save me.....#i need sleep#fuck
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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if i wasnt in a happy and straight up fantastic relationship with @the-realnazeera i would start hitting on some of these bots because my god are they fine
#// MY HEAD HURTS SO BAD AGAIN I CAN BARELY OPEN MY GODDAMN JAW LORD ALMIGHTY STRIKE ME DOWN RN#CURSE ALL YOU FUCKERS#IT'S YOUR FAULT#I DONT KNOW HOW OR WHY BUT I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IT#AND#AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED#I NEED TO GO INTO TOWN TO GET A WATCH FIXED THAT I COULD DEFINITELY DO MYSELF BUT THE OWNER DOESNT TRUST ME#NO JOKE I COULD FIX IT WITH MY EYES CLOSED#BUT NoOOoO#IM NOT QUALIFIED#JUST BECAUSE I DONT HAVE A DEGREE DOESNT MEAN I DONT KNOW HOW FIX A GODDAMN WATCH#SO NOW IM GOING INTO TOWN WITH A SHOCKING HEADACHE HALF BLIND TO GET SOME POMPOUS DEGREE-HAVING FUCKER TO DO A JOB I COULD DO EASILY#END ME#FUCKING END ME#THE WORLD IS SPINNING#I CAN FEEL GOO DRIZZLING OUT OF MY PRETTY EARS#MY GORGEOUS BRAIN IS CAUGHT IN A VICE#MY SKULL IS BEING GRAFFITIED BY SOME MICRO MOTHERFUCKER DOIN KICK FLIPS#LORD TAKE MERCY ON MY SEXY SOUL
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im gonna start screaming in 3...2....1....
#i dont get it man#how are people doing this#this living and functioning like an adult and not getting absolutely overwhelmed by the smallest thing#i need to clean my flat so bad. but i dont know where to start and it's quite literally killing me.#its like a goddamn paralysis. i cant move. because i dont know. where. to. start.#also i started doing laundry in the wrong order and it ruined my whole fucking day lol#and now that this part is ruined i literally cant bring myself to do anything else because it just feels Wrong#and i have a train to catch at 4 pm and technically i know thats 9 hours away and that's A Lot. like logically. i know.#but i still feel like that's not enough time#fuck me fuck me fuck me why is my brain like this
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losing my mind so bad rn i wanna do things i literally cannot say on other platforms bc i will get banned or something.
#ghost talk#broke my self harm streak#wanted to do worse tbh but didnt#but god the thoughts dont leave huh#and my mother oh gods#why cant she leave me alone?#everything is so much worse when she gets involved even sligjtly#slightly*#but goddamn i just got back from ✨vacation✨#i shouldnt be feeling like i want to slit my wrists and overdose yk#and yet here i am#and with nobody to talk to because whats therapy?#friends? yea i guess i have them. but they dont talk to me and. actually bringing this shit up is a whole other thing that i cant do#i dont trust my siblings because theyre snitches at best. so. its really just me and. whatever i can stand to say to my partner#before my stomach bubbles over and i feel to sick to continue the conversation#you know?#i could say so much more but i'll spare the tags the details#just. been a bad couple of days i guess#mental health? who's that?#sigh
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If I could change one thing in my life I'd make it so no one ever commented on food
#elias.zip#im so fucking tired of it!!! joking or not its fucking degrading. just constantly. i get it im so fucking unhealthy all i eat is processed#chemical slop thats gonna kill me at 30 and im the unhealthiest person in the fucking work#world* you dont need to fucking remind me every goddamn day. even the comments that arent bad still make me feel likr shit for eating!!! i#already feel really bad about how poorly i eat. i literally cannot fucking starve myself more basically over this kind of comment.#like damn!!! i sure do have a lot of body issues for someone whos skinny WHY am i even complaining in the first place likr i used to fucking#hate my stomach and its noy when#even* big and i think its gone down bc i eat even less now!!! i cannoy make ANYONE happy no matter what i do or what i cook its always comme#nt comment comment in everything i fucking do. i swear to god im never going to fucking recover from living with them. i would've run away i#f i grew up with them im serious#negative#ihateithereihateithereihateithere#nothing's working out. i csnt make friends. i csnt keep them. im a fucking deadbeat im just like my dad in every conceivable way no ones pr#oud of me no matter what i do and i fucked myslef from any opportunity i had to get out of the system what is the fucking point#i jsut dont knoe anymore!!!!!! its not like the Future even looks good or that i see myself anywwhre but in the exact same spot because all#i ever fucking manage to achieve is self sabotage and whining about how no one loves me. god!!!!!
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oh psa but if you're in an industry that checks IDs and the person in front of you is clearly trans, don't make comments about anything on that ID. for instance saying "OMG your middle name's Danielle? that's my name too!!!" to someone 5 feet tall with a full beard is perhaps not the best choice one could make if one didn't want to put a neon glowing sign above that person's head saying "THIS IS A TRANSGENDER" to everyone they're with
#it is p funny tho going out places with cis / nb-and-always-presented-as-agab friends and always getting singles out abt my#id in Some Way and them always being like ??? wtf that was so weird what was up with that#and i have to be the one to be like 'remember that my id has an f on it' and theyre like :0 ....... >:0!!!!#like fuckin. the time i got id'd at goddamn jack in the box????#she was like 'yeah we have to check it on all orders over $25' which had never happened before and has never happened since because#its fucking jack in the box so every stupid order is over $25#for important context i was driving and bf in passenger seat was paying so id handed her his card and was way less passing than now#so once we left travis was like yo wtf that was so weird why on earth would they id someone at jack in the box?????#and im like well because i look like this and i handed her a credit card with the name travis on it and people making#up reasons to check trans-looking peoples ids to verify if theyre trans or not is unfortunately not an uncommon occurance#and he was completely floored that that was even a possibility#which like mood when i was doing bev steward literally the only thing i was thinking about on those ids was birthdays#course i was working at a theme park so we had ids from all over the country#and world but nonamericans had passports which are much more consistent than state ids#so id get handed someones id and just be like ugh ok where do they hide it on this one i have 50 people in line i dont have time for this#like why would i be wasting time casually perusing their gender marker yknow i have shit to do#so the fact that there are people who will feel the need to know that so bad that theyll do that is just wild to me and presumably him too#(working there was how we met and he ended up being bars lead then full water park sup after i left the job)#but yeah after he had his 'wait people actually do that?' realization he was just like '....well then good thing it was my card so we had to#give her my id so she'll never get to know for sure‚ get fucked' LMAO#ooh or when me and a friend went to trader joes and bought drinks cause i collect cool drink cans and when the cashier was checking#my id i made a joke to ny friend abt my picture looking like bobby hill and the cashier was like 'GASP dont say that about yourself youre#beautiful!!' which i believe i did have the beard by this point so it was a pretty obvious dig#and the picture super does look like bobby hill by the way like ill show yall if anyone's curious but literally no one irl has disagreed#except this one random woman lmao. but we get out and my friends like ????????? that was so weird#why did she say that????? and im like. well it has an f on it remember#and once again the :0 -> >:0 transformation#like it sucks having it happen but there is smth really funny abt watching friends so inclusive something like that never even#occured to them realize that thats a thing people will do and it just happened right in front of them#shoutout to my roommates friend tho who has worked at a sex shop and weed shop and changed my rewards account name for both to chosen name
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:D
#heartstopper spoilers#i like lowkey feel bad abt posting bc i never like warned ppl that i would or what i would be tagging or anyhthing XD#but this is my blog and also it's not even an hs blog lmao TT#but that's ur warning if u dont have it filtered lol and ig im just gonna say tag stuff until theres a read more#so yeah hs s2 spoilers lol :D u have been warned if u havent seen it yet#altho according to my dash that is just filtered tags after filtered tags im the only one who hasnt seen it XD#TAO AND YAN ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PPL TO ME GOODBYE#i love tao. so fucking much. goddamn#why are there so many problems damn i hope paris gives them (and me) a little respite (i say as i know what else is coming in paris :|#also the scenes from the books have been so good :'') fuck that david and nick scene#fuck david but it was done so well#ALSO MXM TOON COMING OF AGE IN THE SOUNDTRACK SOOOOOOOO FUCKINGGGGGG TRUEEEEEEEEEEEE#one of my newest fav songs frfrfr#2 eps in :'') i gotta do a little more work but then i think i'm good to watch the rest lol#jeanne talks#the SELF CONTROLLLL DO NOT START EP 3. I HAVE 2 NEWS ARTICLES I WANT TO GET THRU FOR TODAY DO THOSE FIRST
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#why is spending money so harrrd#why am i spending over a thousand dollars a month on random bullshit#and i know my family cant really afford it but they never tell me to stop or slow down because im so physically ill and disabled#they just give me whatever i want and it kind of sucks having to 'sus out' my financial situation with a bank statement every month#i used to spend only like 600 a month but like as soon as stuff gets Bad it just skyrockets#i get that its like because of trauma and childhood resource insecurity and never getting a consistent job/income/financial consequences.#like if i actually got the allowance my parents said i would get instead of saying 'oh well we went out to dinner so i counted your meal as#-your allowance without telling you or giving you the option to get something else instead' then we might not be here#like it doesnt help that bank accounts are noncorporeal so ADHD makes it harder to conceptualize by default#but i also have a goddamn amnesia disorder and DID.#its like alter A bought something nice just for themselves so alter B C and Z should get something too if they want#i don't know how to regulate treats.#and it doesn't help that a lot of my spending is secondhand so if I don't buy it NOW it might be gone tomorrow#and amnesia wise i just don't remember buying and spending that much.#and i've cut a Lot of my spending. groceries are down to 70/a month (thanks eating disorder!)#i no longer buy music. i never have and never will do a subscription to ANYTHING.#but sometimes i just see a webcomic i like had a physical release or i see a vintage toy online and i just Have to have it#i buy so much stuff i dont need and then feel like shit every month when my bank statement is higher than 600#also lbr. a LOT of that money goes to medications and doctors appointments and food so like. ugh im sick of it#rant#vent in tags#financial#compulsive spending
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“you make me sick” me and you both buddy! me and you both.
#j’s a bloody mess#they havent reposoned in 30 mins.#like ik its probablt fine bc theyre doing smth else#but. idk i still feel like im gonna throw up#part of me says its okay bc i explained myself and genuinely didnt mean how it came out#but the other part of me worries that theyre gonna tell everyone. and no one really believes that its just a mistake like. ever.#so ill barely have any friends and essentially no reason to live#so i should just go ahead and kms before they say anythjbt right?#god i feel so sick to my stomach#why am i such a fuck up#im they said its fine but theres no way thats true right#goddamn. idk what to do. i wanna draw but. i cant. whenever something bad ish happens i can never draw just bc#“i dont deserve to be happy and drawing makes me happy” or some shit#djsb im getting a headache from this or my phone light. im tired.
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why do jobs just not want to call me back
#im just being moody over that again#2 fucking classes this sem bc everything is full and stuck doing fuck all and feeling bad abt it#why wont anyone call me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#im gonna eat shit#minnie post#sometimes i get paranoid abt jobs calling my old employer and hes the reason nobody hires me#i feel like im slowly becoming a hermit fuck#not that thats a Bad thing for me necessarily i dont rlly#want to engage w ppl that much#mb im isolating myself maybe not#idk#whats wrong wme#my old job traumatized me lol#i cant do restaurant jobs anymore even tho those r like. the only mf things i can do#got fucked over by an actual good job i wanted badly and im still mad#gonna try n apply in person to my local supermarket idk#so fucking tired#i just want smth easy#i dont want to experience anything similar to thay goddamn restaurant
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Me -> explains to family that I have fibromyalgia and have since refused to fold laundry unless its my own otherwise it will be an unbearable day of me folding laundry until the pile is done.
Family: lmao why arent you helping to fold the laundry we all have work and school. You're the most free out of all of us.
#look man#I have half the mind#to sit in this goddamn living roon#letting them see me do a bad job#your shirts are not gonna look nice#and I will take an entire day doibg nothibg but make my arms hurt for days if you want#i will throw a fit btw if you complain about your shirts not looking proper#like im currently folding some laundry#i have folded 10 items#all of which I already feel starting to hurt my arm#why it hurts is beyond me#im mad about my arm being so weak now#but godforbid my family be a little more understanding#my father basically started to get all smug im dad i dont do this crap moment#its possing me off#typing all of this is making my arm hurt more#wtf
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*head in hands* why is it every time i'm randomly like yeah i'll get back into AK it's time for a sad goat time.
#why do bad things keep happening to my goat. haaahhhh....#post: misc#ark1ghts#its good and there are parts i like (whenever executor is onscreen lol) but goddamn does it also not make sense#i dont really get all the internal politics of this country and tbh i just stop reading when they start rambling and throwing around terms#whatever man. there are terrorists. everyone is trying to revive the witch king. government bad. what else is new.#some weirdo is about doing sinister magics. i get it.#ANYWAY! i didn't know executor had an alt... going to be saving for him he's so so cute#Eben is cute as well but he's miserable so i mostly just feel bad whenever i see him#also. this is a me thing. i... don't really get why he's here.#i am a big fan of running away and leaving. stuff sucks? hit the bricks.#why the fuck should you have to face up to the witch kings legacy? who cares. fuck that guy hes dead. leave and never come back#i think Eben just has... stronger moral fibre then i do. i could leave and never think twice about it.#not my responsibility. and even if it is i'll just shirk it who cares. you gotta catch me first suckers#well. i'm only like 4 levels in but i'm tired of reading so i'll get back to it tomorrow *salute*
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#vent post pls dont feel the need to respond or read!#FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK FUCK MY LIFE I ACTUALLY SUCK SO MUCH I LITERALLY DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I DID THAT#LIKE?????? U WOULDVE THOUGHT I LEARNT THIS BY NOW AND HET#I KEEP GOING INTO THINGS WITHOUT THINKING AND GETTING STUCK IN STUPID SITUATIONS AND THEN I LOOK BAD#and then i feel outcast and its literally my own goddamn fault#i cant even blame anyone or anything else#and now im stuck here til saturday#and everyones gonna fucking know the stupid fucking shit i did#and i never have to see these people again but i do have to see them for the next 3 days#man i had a bad fucking feeling aboht this gd project#like from the beginning#and my bosses did too#but fuck ibjust thought itd be fine#and like again it was all my fault anyways!!!!!#even my brain who tends to shirk off responsibility and try to make excuses for myself#isnt able to do it this time#every time i think 'welllll you did it bc x was happening and THAT happened bc X happened'#my brain goes 'ya but you didnt have to do THAT you literally know better????'#like thinking abiut it now hours after i have no fucking clue what i was thinking. no fucking clue.#fuck my fucking life#this is 109% lighthearted i swear do not worry about me but the only words that describe how im feeling right now#are: im gonna fucking kill myself#/j /j /j /j /j /j#i honest to god wont but that perfectly encapsules the feeling rn#vent post
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god not a fan of my fuckin friend group
#i mean the majority are fine its just there's a few fuckin schrodinger's assholes that they refuse to phase out for some reason#like ooooh yeah get rid of the guy whose worst crime was being annoying#the shithead who purposely misgenders my friend cause 'he doesn't believe in that' can stay though#and to be clear this isnt like a Thing where the majority of them are cishet and let us stay my nb's friend like one of the Main People#its just. god i HATE it#'guh whuh you use any pronouns?! why dont you like being called a woman?!' cause no one will use anything else if i let them do that dipshi#that's not really a guy IN the friend group he just came round at lunch but GODDDDD#i feel so bad cause i decided to invite a friend from classes over to eat w my friend group and this fuckin guy decided its On Sight for#some goddamn reason#i mean ive mentioned an idea to my ACTUAL friends in the friend group that once graduation rolls around and we dont have to#meet these guys at school we just Kick them out of the friend group discord server as well which didnt seem to get much opposition#so thank god for that
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