#i no longer buy music. i never have and never will do a subscription to ANYTHING.

[medical-angel]

🩹

[littlestartemis]

This is like THE thing I'm most annoying millennial about, but I've decided I'm going to make a guide about this instead of just venting to my friends about it for the Nth time. I am not a fan of spotify. On the surface I already didn't like it, the idea of paying a monthly subscription for a media player that requires an internet connection was abjectly backwards imo. Then I actually used it recently, and I'm even more frustrated, because searching for songs doesn't give you any clear indication on if it's the Actual Song you wanted, or just some rando's remix or something. Not to mention the queue and playlist functions just not working 1/3 of the time, and... yeah.

"Man I wish this artist would release on spotify so I could listen to this song."

"Hey are you gonna put this thing on spotify? I'd really like to listen to it away from my computer/off youtube."

Allow me my one snarky comment here because I feel strongly about this and then the rest of the post will be a polite and detailed guide.

I'm gonna let you all in on a secret, you'll never believe this. There's a method, inside your computer (and phone!), where you can listen to music, any music you want... without the internet. Fuckin wild, right? (Making a break because this ended up being longer than I thought it would)

On your computer, even up to Windows 11, you have a thing called "Windows Media Player" that's just automatically on your computer. And if it's not, for whatever reason, lemme make things even easier for you with a link to install it.

You open it up, and you're greeted with this. (yours obviously won't be filled with FFXIV clips and songs by default, just work with me)

Now, I think everything here is perfectly self explanatory, but I've heard as time's worn on that the younger generations are becoming increasingly poorly taught when it comes to navigating computer programs.

Home is just the first thing you get when you open it. Shows all your recently viewed media on your computer

Music Library is your entire collection of songs in your music folder (we'll get there)

Video Library is the same thing but for video files

Play queue is what you have queued up to play in a list Right Now

Playlists is... the list of playlists you've made

So! Good first step, we have a media player. This thing doesn't need an internet connection, it can make playlists, it can shuffle, it's got it all. But like, how do you actually get songs on it, right? Well, we've got a few methods.

If you're a fan of contemporary/pop music, you've got the easiest time of things. If you're already someone who's ok with paying spotify once a month for their service (which is just a media player with always on internet), you shouldn't have a problem with giving that money directly to the artists you already like the work of instead. Not to mention, on streaming services music can be added and removed at the whim of... really any number of people. Whereas if you get yourself the mp3 file, you own that shit forever.

Most every artist offers a way to buy their music from them directly in album form. For shows, movies, and video games, that can be a little more up in the air, but it's nothing a quick google search of "[media name] original soundtrack download" can't direct you to. My first port of call would be to recommend this site here. Despite the name, it carries an absolutely stupid titanic repository of music downloads, the vast majority of which being for things that either no longer have legal means of purchase, or never had one to begin with. You'll have to download them one at a time if you don't/can't make an account and donate to them, but... that's literally just a time investment. Lil bit of elbow grease.

Now, let's say you're willing to put in that elbow grease, but what you wanted isn't here. Well, you've got an ancient, tried and true method to follow suit on next; youtube conversion. It couldn't be simpler. Copy/paste the url (the funny string of letters numbers and characters in the bar at the top of your browser window) into the thing that says "please paste youtube url here", and press the convert button. You've even got options to change the quality (if you need a smaller file size) and trim a length of time off the beginning or end of it! Again, you'll need to do this one at a time, and via this method you won't get premade names (beyond whatever the yt video's name was) or special album art or whatever. But if all you're after is listening to your music of choice without fucking spotify, that shouldn't be a problem.

And I'm not done yet! Circling back to my earlier comment about "some kids just don't know how to work their computers", some of you may genuinely be asking "what am I supposed to do with these mp3 files after they're on my computer?" We'll start with "where even are they" to begin with. You have something baked into your computer called a "file explorer". I keep mine pinned to my taskbar, but you aughta be able to find it and open it up by searching that name in your start menu

This is what the left side of that File Explorer window aughta look like, more or less. You only need to worry about two of these things here for our purposes; Downloads, with the arrow pointing down at the line, and Music, with the music note in the green circle. By default, anything you download, be it from a converter, more illicit sources, or 100% legal "I bought this from the band's website", is going to go into your Downloads first. (side note, if your computer ever tells you you're running out of space and you're like "what the fuck how??", check your downloads, might need to clear that shit out into the recycle bin) You're gonna move those files from Downloads to Music (I only recently learned that file explorer supports additional tabs now, like browsers! That rules). The simplest method of moving them over though would be to click once on the file, then right click, you'll see a row of pictures at the top of the right click menu, you want the scissors (this is called Cutting). Once you click those scissors, you head over to your Music tab, and in the empty white space, you right click, and at the bottom of the menu you'll see a clipboard with a piece of paper, (that's Paste) click that, and it'll remove that file from Downloads, and move it over to Music.

Your media player program is automatically designed to detect mp3 files inside that Music folder. So, from here, you just need to work the media player!

Open up that Music Library tab in your Media Player, and everything will automatically be grouped Alphabetically, you can change that with "Sort by:" in the top right. Know what else? If you do buy an album (or download one otherwise), it'll recognize that on its own too! You can sift through your collection by Albums at the very top there! So you just wanna listen to an album, you can pop over there, click an album, and...

Play all, right at the top, the red button.

You wanna make a playlist? Right click any song, and in the right click menu you'll see "Add to+", check that, and you'll be prompted to just add it to the now paying queue of songs, or to make a new playlist. Do that, you name it what you want, and now you can just right click-> add any songs you want to that playlist.

Now when it comes to phones, I know most people have iphones, and in that realm... yeah I can't help you sorry. But if you're not, we're in another "this should be on your phone already, and if it's not you can install it". Samsung Music. Open that bad boy up, and

Damn doesn't this look familiar. On my Samsung phone at least, nearly EVERYTHING I just laid out applies to making this all happen just on your phone with no computer. But, if you only download on the computer, and still want this shit on your phone, there's a VERY easy method there too!

Get a USB-C cord, hook up your phone to your computer, and you remember the method I told you for moving those files over from Downloads to Music? Works the exact same for moving things from your computer to your phone. Hell, your phone even has a Music folder of its own! Works the same.

This has been my very long and hopefully helpful PSA about listening to music via methods that don't involve God Damn Spotify. Go enjoy yourselves. Don't pay for shit you don't need to pay for.

[nickgerlich]

Finding Resolve

We’ve all done it. We are all part of this new phenomenon, something that barely existed before this century, and only truly gained momentum in the last decade. The worst part is, most of us have forgotten exactly how much we are involved with it, because it is hard to remember what and how much these phenomena cost.

I am talking about the subscription economy, that magical place where software and streaming services are the product, and our monthly bill is usually on autopay. It ranges from SOAS (Software As A Service) providers like Adobe and Microsoft, to all the music, movies, and more that we stream into our homes, cars, and mobile devices.

And it is eating us alive.How many subscriptions do you have? Let’s start with your vehicle. Do you have satellite radio? That’s one. Do you subscribe to cloud-based software? That can be one or more. What about streaming tunes like Spotify or Apple Music? There you guy. The list is getting longer.

And then there are all the streaming TV choices, which runs from services like YouTube TV to Netflix, Paramount+, Apple TV+, Peacock, Max, Hulu, Disney…I could go on. You may have cut the cable at home, but you tethered yourself in other ways to the extent that the net effect is little different.

Then there’s the gaming community, if that’s your thing. More dinero. Maybe you fell for the premium version of an app, like Accuweather. If you’re a regular Amazon shopper, you no doubt have Prime, which costs $139 a year, plus the vitamins and supplements I receive every month from them. Like listening to books? There’s Audible. Old newspapers? There’s Newspapers.com, one of my favorite sites to do research. Cloud storage? Good Lord, I have several, for my thousands of photos and documents.

So successful has the subscription model been that paywalls have appeared everywhere online, like the New York Times, Washington Post, and Atlantic Monthly, each of whom have amazing content, a feast for my eyes and brain. Alas, I have drawn the line, because I sense it has long spun out control. And if CNN goes ahead and paywalls its app and site, I guess I won’t be reading them anymore.

Because I, like many people, have subscription fatigue. I simply cannot begin to consume all of this media. Sadly, I cannot remember all of the services to which I subscribe, and if you aren’t there yet, I bet you will be soon enough. The only way to know for sure is to carefully track your credit card statements to look for monthly billing.

That, of course, is the problem, because we willingly provided our billing data so that we do not have to do this every month. As long as that credit card is valid, those providers will keep hitting your card every month. It is only when your card is about to expire that you get a notification. And if you were not careful and instead provided a bank routing and account number, they can keep sticking their hand into your pocket as long as you have that account.

Ironically, there are new subscription management software sites and apps that supposedly make it easy to track and opt-out of all the things, but they are subscription services themselves. That’s like replacing one drug with another. You’re still on the hook.

It all starts so easily, because many of the subscription services are technically just micro payments, only $5 or $10. We see that as pocket change. Other services offer annual payment options, which provide a slight discount for paying in full in advance. But many of the once-cheap micro payments have started to get expensive, like Netflix and Spotify (I am speaking from experience). They are no longer minor indulgences.

Were these tangible products we had to buy in a store, I bet we would all be a lot more careful. The friction of having to be somewhere to even just tap your credit card would probably be enough to cause us to think. But it is simply too easy in the digital world to keep subscribing, because once we get in that loop, there is never any friction.

We are all going to have to muster a lot more resolve to win this fight, as well as start keeping meticulous records. Otherwise, these things develop lives of their own, lives that will continue hitting credit cards even after our own lives are over. I’m pretty sure none of us will be consuming anything at that point, and there’s no use paying for it.

We don’t have to wait for New Years Day to make this resolution.

Dr “I Honestly Can’t Remember All Of Them” Gerlich

Audio Blog

[therecordchanger62279]

THE VINYL COLLECTORS COMMUNITY

Now that I’ve jettisoned Facebook, I have more time for other pursuits on the world wide web. I live a very insulated life. I rarely go out. I don’t socialize with people at all. I never talk on the phone for social purposes. The few friends and family I have live in other cities, and most of them have not seen me in person in more than five years, and most never will again. If I was famous, the press would call me reclusive. I don’t know if I really am as far as my personality goes. It’s just that I have no reason to go out, and I don’t get much pleasure from being around other people.

But a bit of long-distance contact is something I can usually tolerate for short periods, so I went looking for a new online community to take the place of my now-defunct Facebook Friends List. I still love music, and I have a nice collection of records, so I discovered the Vinyl Collectors Community on YouTube. These are people who spend most of their money, and waking hours collecting records, and making videos about what they buy, and what they own, and what they like to listen to. I seem to fit in. My comments are always welcome, and seem to get a good response from everyone who reads them. The irony is that I’ve sort of joined this group of people at a time when I’ve pretty much decided to stop buying vinyl records.

I do enjoy the give-and-take, however, and I’m still interested in what other people are buying, and listening to. I have subscriptions to 28 channels so far, and I’m adding new ones all the time. It costs nothing. A sub just means you’re able to keep track of your favorites, and get notices when they post a new video. It takes the place of the one-to-one contact I used to have with customers when I was managing record stores. That was one of the best parts of the job – trading ideas, and making small talk about music with people who shopped the store. None of my Facebook pals are even buying records anymore – even though most of them were people I met because I managed record stores.

In any case, it was time to move on, and find new people to interact with, and with whom I had something in common. There’s no commitment. I can watch, and be silent. I can watch, and comment. And when I turn off my computer, I can return to my insulated existence, and not give any of it a second thought until I decide I want another fix. Maybe, I’m learning how to navigate my social life in the 21st century better than I thought.

(Pictured above is a collector named Robert Fithen. I subscribe to his channel because he’s funny, and knowledgeable, and doesn’t take any of it too seriously.)

One week later: After a deeper dive into this vinyl collectors community thing, 19 of the 28 subscriptions I had were dropped, and the magic has already begun to go out of it for me. Many of them are already talking about not buying records any longer due to the expense, and many more had not posted anything in several months. Still others simply have nothing to offer me as a collector. They're novices just beginning their own journey while I'm at the end of mine. I'll dabble now and then just to keep my hand in, but there really is no comfortable fit for me when it comes to "keeping company" with other human beings - whether in person or in cyberspace. My own records, and books are still the best company I keep. How 20th century of me.

[abimbonamedcarmenthabaddie]

Today I worked out twice. And filmed footage for content creation. And no longer saying “ But I don’t know how get good footage or angles. “ Who cares about being perfect. I will only get better by actually recording footage and edit content. I’m doing liquid fast and productivity videos.

I am actually applying the information I researched on the internet and self help books. Even writing my own self help book for black women. My goal is find a editor and self publish.

I know my worth and add tax.

Getting body inspiration photos

2024 is mine.

Made money wallpaper for iPhone

Investing in a digital planner. I buy paper planners but I never fully use them to slay and win and go hard. 2024 I’m planning, executing, being accountable, and actually completing goals and accomplishing hella shit.

And royalty free music subscription so I can have music for my content.

Made list of photo and video subscriptions to make my content pop ❣️

[jaytherobot]

I have successfully un-algorithmed my life.

I don't have a start date for when I started trying because it's been a fairly gradual process, but I realized as I was uninstalling Instagram from my phone from lack of use, that it was the last thing serving me algorithmically sorted content. And you know what? ✨I feel so much better not having it.✨

Here is a list of the changes I've made:

YouTube -> changed bookmark to subscriptions page

Spotify -> organic music discovery, buying albums off Bandcamp, buying vinyl, maintaining mp3 library

Instagram -> No longer in use

Facebook -> No longer in use

TikTok -> Never started using, no desire to start

Reddit -> Tumblr, going to actual news sites

Streaming -> Reading books, crocheting if my wife is watching something

Keep in mind this has been a gradual process and, most importantly, isn't perfect. I still swing by Reddit, for instance, it's just that it's much less interesting to do so. And I think that's pointing at the main thing: I listened to myself when I didn't feel good about interacting with these sites, instead of doing the easy thing and digging deeper into them to find another little nugget of quick gratification.

It's taken effort, certainly, but I feel so much more fulfilled. I'm actually engaging in hobbies instead of wondering why I don't have time for them. I feel like I have ownership over the media I consume again instead of it over me.

I do still feel like I have ground to cover. For instance, I haven't yet figured out why I don't want to make art anymore, but I think I'll get there and I think the steps I have taken were instrumental on that path in particular.

I guess the point of this post is that it is possible to cut these things out of your life if you don't like them, even though it seems like the world revolves around them.

[hamofjustice]

whoever wrote this is my friend at game freak. about 2500 new lines of dialogue celebrating these characters in the way you'd expect the plot drivers and supporting roles of the story to be celebrated (albeit i wish more the former and less the latter), if the game that the writer(s) were stuck writing for actually got to be about those characters and hanging out with them the whole way through. it's a - pardon me for saying so - real treasure.

that being said...

i don't think pokemon, my former chief interest, is a series for me anymore, unless we get a permanent traveling party in the next one. i'm looking for games that are less... lonely all the time? that don't set up expectations they'll never meet because they don't have time? whose fans and leadership don't both openly hate story and companionship (and also women) unless those companions can't talk? i've changed, pokemon's not changing with me. and this console generation in particular has been egregious about not caring about making customers happy as long as they buy shit because of the brand on it.

but stuff like this league club or the epilogue is at least good enough closure for me on my unusual investment into this also unusually heartfelt generation. i'm no longer so pissed off that i'd just stop posting about these characters altogether. in the end, they weren't completely forgotten about... but why were they forgotten about at all? they were the main characters of the story, not us. forcing our character into making bad decisions isn't going to change that.

man, what could've been.

between this and the aforementioned epilogue (that has no reason to not be available day one tbh) i can see a ton of evidence that stuff got changed or cut against their wishes, or at least compared to the original plan. and that's gonna keep happening as long as pokemon keeps up this sloppy, rushed, "who cares if it's good, they'll buy it because it's pokemon" business model with far too many places, characters, and monsters and far too little time spent lovingly with each one, that keeps them feeling stuck generations behind other $60-95 games... and hollower and lonelier than the rich warm hearts of $5 indie games.

what i linked above, however, is the kind of thing i wanted from the DLC - just getting to sit back and enjoy being nemona penny and arven's friend like we did in area zero and watch them grow together - and it's an afterthought in a game that otherwise threw its characters and messages about friendship into the garbage and aggressively pretended they never existed (including the love story they just released a music video and book about!), that refused the most obvious slam dunk story climaxes (no 4v1 tera raid boss fight ever happens with other characters? given two different opportunities? that were both remixes of the raid music? really? really?) and cool returning features we saw coming a year ago and never actually got (seriously, you're getting outdone by sword and shield here), in favor of... a massive amount of grinding over four versions of the same song that makes doing things without paying for both your online subscription and pokemon home subscription unbearable. how playable is the endgame going to be when those things are gone?

they really don't think people are going to be upset that the main characters still have basically no new lines or mentions until the epilogue (that they don't even know exists) releases? that they're not going to be upset that kieran and carmine just despawned again with no clear way to bring them back after kieran asked if you could be friends again? (same thing, epilogue)

kinda seems like this DLC was made to piss off people who were emotionally invested and reward people who hated nemona as anything but a hentai model. it didn't even execute its own story properly! the beautiful mess of a base game just turned into the usual pokemon dumpster fire with the absolute bare minimum done for the trailer to not technically be lying about anything, and nobody's gonna notice because it has starters and legendaries and the synchro machine. even the new credits theme sounds like a cry for help.

i'm taking the love i had for these kids and channeling it into something that no corporation has control over.

my biggest wish for the next game is to let our friend NPCs use the union circle as one of its headline features. with this much effort put into its dialogue for just those few characters. like the area zero trip but all the time (players who hate dialogue would probably also appreciate it not interrupting their actions like that segment didn't! win-win!). i want the characters from the 50 hour story to still be in our lives for the 500 hours of postgame, not say we'll live happily ever after and then turn into statues for a year. if next gen hurts as much as this one did, i'm not getting invested.

also, where the hell are the multi battles. i'm not that surprised they didn't bother with a battle tower again, but 2 on 2 with friends just like sword and shield seems so, so obvious and fun, but apparently not to this company

not even saying the game is bad, just not what i wanted.

i (somewhat) formatted the text dump of the blueberry league clubhouse dialogue in the indigo disk if anybody just wants to read it now without the lil animations and skip the big grind

(and the irl wait for the epilogue quest with all of our friends to become available. spoilers for that, but i will not hold off on telling people it exists because they deserve to know before they get too upset that the DLC story completely shafted the basegame's characters yet again, for even less good reason than last time, to the point that it feels almost spiteful)

[purplesurveys]

1264

Who are you subscribed to on YouTube?  Oh man, I’m probably subscribed to over a hundred, if not 200. I’ve subscribed to channels relevant to interests I’ve had over the years, and since it’s not my habit to do spring cleaning on my feeds, the subscriptions have just keep piling up even if I no longer keep up with literally like 98% of them.

Do you like to go to the farmer's market?  I don’t think I’ve ever been in one yet. They aren’t very common here and the ones we do have are pricey and mostly inaccessible to the everyday consumer, I’m sure.

What will (or was) the color of your wedding dress be?  I wouldn’t want any other color than white.

What's your favorite melon?  I don’t like fruits.

What was the name of the last pet of yours that died?  Arlee. Technically my family mostly considered her as just Nina’s pet, but the sting was felt all the same when we learned she died.

When was the last time you wished the day would just get over with?  Yesterday, because it was Friday. Pretty self-explanatory, I wanted to get to the weekend so I can finally let go of work for a couple of days.

Name one person you've never had a fight with:  Andi. I think we’re both afraid of pissing the other off, which works out for us lol.

What are you currently listening to?  I can just hear the really loud whirring of my electric fan because it’s a grossly humid day today.

What would you rather have: cat or dog?  Dogs.

Who is your least favorite person in real life?  I have a lot of uncles I just don’t like.

Do you ever watch anybody's live stream of... anything, really?  Technically, yeah. I will sometimes tune in to livestreams of lofi music on YouTube, but I do it to listen, not to watch. 

Does your house have security cameras?  No.

If you go grey as you age, would you dye your hair or let it be?  I think I might dye it for a certain period of time, but I also think I would eventually reach the point where I’ll just accept it and slowly let go of the dye.

What was the last establishment you stopped going to due to bad service? What happened?  I haven’t run into much bad service, but I’ll never forget how long my order and bill took for Mad Mark’s. I never really vowed per se to never go back there again and I definitely didn’t confront the staff, but I haven’t eaten there since that incident.

What soundtrack do you listen to the most?  Not a big soundtrack listener.

Was there a family secret you weren’t told about until you were an adult?  Nah, they’re kept from us until now. The biggest one I’ve heard about was having a kleptomaniac in the family but we were never told who it is.

Do you have an opinion most people you meet seem to disagree with you?  Yeah, my dislike for fruits.

What’s something you like to have many options to choose from?  Clothes, I guess, like bucket hats. I don’t shop a lot and clothes aren’t a priority in my budget, so when I do pick out clothes, it has to be exactly what I want so that I don’t feel it was a waste of money.

What’s the strangest decorative object you own?  We have several quirky, disconnected decor in the living room from gifts we’ve acquired over the years. One object I can tell you about is the polar bear glass figurine we have on the coffee table.

What’s a thing you couldn’t imagine doing with your life right now?  Dating around.

What’s been your proudest moment?  Managing to stay alive this year and turn my life around for the better when I thought there was no hope.

What’s the filthiest non-pornographic movie you’ve seen?  Eyes Wide Shut, probably.

Do you know anyone who doesn't seem to be fond of animals?  I don’t think so. Like any animal...? I would find that quite odd, honestly. And I wouldn’t want to be friends with them if we weren’t already close .

Are you planning any outings or trips anytime soon? Whereabouts?  No, nothing set in stone. I do want to fly out to South Korea soon, though.

Do you know anyone who has a phobia of a certain animal?  I know a few people who are afraid of dogs.

Is there a particular brand of technology/electronics that you prefer?  Yeah, Apple.

Is there a singer whose voice gives you goosebumps/chills?  Hayley Williams and Jin, especially when he’s belting; and I don’t listen to her much, but I find that Billie Eilish has a unique voice that sounds really nice.

And is there a singer whose voice you simply can't stand?  Selena Gomez for some of her songs, Meghan Trainor for most of her songs.

Are there any authors that are particularly dominant on your bookshelf?  No.

Have you seen any photographs or videos that made you smile today?  Sure.

Which item in your fridge are you most looking forward to consuming? My aunt sent over this gigantic-ass slab of salmon that I can’t wait to eat as sashimi. I already had a few pieces last night and it was hea ven ly.

Has anyone you know got into a new relationship lately?  Hmm, I don’t think so. I know my coworker Dev got into a relationship a few weeks ago but it fizzled out as soon as it started because the guy was shitty.

If you menstruate, do you experience much PMS prior to it?  Only on the emotional side; I rarely get physical symptoms. I usually feel down or emotionally heavy a few days before my period.

Have you ever had a tattoo covered up or added to?  No, I don’t have any tattoos. Can you remember the last time you had a sudden change of mind?  Hmm, like last night. I wanted to stay up to maximize the weekend, buuuut I decided against it and slept instead since I had been up since 2 in the morning.

When was the last time you did something on a whim?  Two weeks ago when I impulsively dropped a thousand bucks to have cheese tarts delivered to Angela and Reena, hahaha.

Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you?  My mom, grandma, and one of my aunts were the main people who raised me. Dad works overseas, so he was never at home much.

Have you ever began a relationship with someone you knew for less than a week?  No, I wouldn’t do that.

Has one of your friends ever tried to ‘hook you up?’  Mik tried to pair me with one of his friends just days before I finally implied on social media that I was no longer in a relationship. It was a cool ego boost but I declined, since my emotions were still super turbulent then. Andi tried to initiate sex with me once too, but I also declined.

What is your card game of choice?  I hate card games; I can never seem to understand them lmao, though that’s really more of a me problem than anything else.

What is your favourite books series?  Growing up, I really loved the Septimus Heap series. But the thing about it was that I got into it while the series was still ongoing; and with how bad my attention span is, I always forgot the events/plot whenever the newest book came out. 

So whenever that happened I had to read the entire series from Book 1; eventually the number of books I had to reread/revisit became too many (it was a seven-part series) and I simply just lost the time to read and I never got to know about the conclusion.

Do you prefer landmarks or street names when being given directions?  Street names – more precise. Landmarks to me can be pretty subjective – a green building might look blue to me, and I could just end up being lost.

Do you read the prologues in the beginnings of books?  Sure.

What was your favourite gym class moment?  If I genuinely like or already play the sport that was being taught. That’s why PE table tennis was a lot of fun for me.

Do you think that ocean boardwalks are fun?  I’ve never been on one but I imagine they are fun, yeah.

Do you dread when people ask you to sign their yearbooks?  That’s not a tradition here.

Do you have a favourite Scooby-Doo movie?  No. I was too young for Scooby-Doo in a sense that I do remember watching the movies as a 3/4 year old as they were kept on in the background at home, but I didn’t get any of the plots/didn’t really appreciate the films.

Do you think it’s cute when toddlers try to run away and fall down?  Sometimes, yeah. If the fall looked nasty I would obviously be concerned.

Do you enjoy listening to your grandparents tell stories of their past?  Honestly, only one of my grandparents would be the type to do this but he’s been dead for six years now. It’s a big shame he passed before I could bond with him the way I had always wanted to. My three other grandparents are either too closed off or too quiet to share stories from their youth.

Do you have a crush on someone? Nah, nothing more than a celebrity crush.

If so... what does his/her name begin with? 

What attracts you to them? 

Do they know that you like them? 

If they don't know, why didn't you tell them? 

Name two people that you miss:  Angela and Laurice.

Have you ever seen Titanic?  More times than I can count. I’m sure I memorize like 80% of the script, too.

Have you ever swam with dolphins?  No. I’m not so sure if I’ve seen dolphins, either. Maybe I have? Or maybe I’m confusing it with whales...idrk.

When was the last time you had a stomachache?  Wednesday.

What's going to bed early for you?  11 PM or midnight.

Do you want to have a big family in the future?  I used to, but I don’t think that’s the future I want anymore. One or two kids should be okay.

What was the last thing you did that gave you a rush?  Technically speaking, an orgasm, I guess?? Lmao idk

Favorite Nicholas Cage movie?  I don’t think I have one.

Have you had your Covid vaccine yet? Which one, if you have?  Yeah, I’m fully dosed. Sinovac.

If you've had your vaccine, did you experience any side effects?  I was suuuuuuper tired right after my first dose and I wanted to be knocked the fuck out, but I went right back to work after the shot because I am allergic to filing leaves hahaha. Second dose went smoothly.

What's the next item of clothing that you intend to buy for yourself?  A bucket hat or maybe one of the Fila x BTS shirts because the collection is actually quite cute!

What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful?  I join Facebook groups to be entertained, not because I actively look for advice.

Do you like your butt? Why or why not?  Yeah. It...has a good form hahahahahaha.

Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia?  Yes, a few years ago I went to a food park with my ex-girlfriend. I was already not feeling my best that day to begin with, so having to see an old woman stare daggers at us for what felt like years really stung. I felt small under her look and almost cried, but in the end I felt angry that I momentarily felt shame about my relationship. I decided to just piss the woman off on purpose and do PDA right in front of her.

Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I have two dogs at present and I know they make me extremely happy.

Who was the last person you went on a date with?  Gabie.

Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid?  No. The first and only time I was hospitalized (other than being birthed), I was about 12, I think.

What’s your favorite way to curl your hair?  I don’t do that. I rarely style my hair.

At what age did you start swearing?  I was 11.

What is something you physically can’t do?  Ride a bike.

What do like better, apples or oranges?  I don’t like any fruits; but in terms of flavored stuff, I like orange-flavored food, especially chewy candy, slightly more.

Around the holidays, do you hope for snow?  Well, no.

What are your top two favorite bands?  Paramore and Against Me!

How many people do you 100% trust?  There are a handful. I generally trust easily just because I like to believe all people are kind and loyal – but I can also take it away in the snap of a finger.

Do you care what others think about you?  Not so much.

Has anyone ever called you a bitch?  Sure.

Did you watch Teletubbies when you were younger?  Yeah but just super super faint memories. It wasn’t one of my main shows.

Do you have any licenses other than your driver's license?  I don’t.

Could you live the rest of your life without eating meat?  I doubt it. I could try, but I think I’d get cranky and start looking for meat way earlier than I would like to admit.

Have you ever had a rolling backpack?  Yup, if you mean a stroller. I think I’ve answered this on a previous survey.

Did you make any money today?  No, because it’s a weekend. What was the highest place you've ever jumped from?  Nothing dramatically high. I’ve had acrophobia-themed nightmares in the past, so even though I don’t actually have a fear of heights, the idea of jumping from a high place still makes me antsy.

Have you ever gone swimming in a river?  Not that I can recall.

What was the last souvenir someone got you?  I dunno if it counts but Andi bought merch from the AEW shop but made sure to also get a CM Punk sticker set for me :(

Do you have a favorite remix of a song?  Remixes have never been my thing. What do you think is the most saddest sounding instrument?  Piano.

Do you really pay attention to the ratings on movies?  Yeah they can definitely affect the level of appreciation I hold towards a film. For instance, if I genuinely enjoyed a movie only to find out it has average to bad reviews, it invites me to think more critically about the movie.

Do you have a favorite species of wild cat (tiger/lion/cougar/etc.)?  No.

If you had $500,000, what would you do with it?  Give half to my parents and let them do whatever they wish it. With the remaining P12,500,000, I’d probably get myself my own condo and have it fully furnished, then get braces, then get a new phone and laptop. I’ll have a bunch of money still left, I’m pretty sure – the rest of it I’ll save.

Did the last person you touched lips with have a kid?  No. I mean, I have honestly no clue what’s going on in her life now, but I know she doesn’t want kids so this is very unlikely.

"First loves are never really over." Is this true for you?  It’s true in a sense that she left me a lot of trauma and self-esteem issues that will irrevocably always be a part of me now even though I’ve worked hard to resolved most of them by myself.

Did you like Michael Jackson before he died?  Yes, because he has always been my favorite singer’s role model.

What are some things that would make you break up with someone?  I don’t know how to answer this question, honestly. All the red flags were thrown and tossed and slapped into my face and down my throat for six years yet I never left. I don’t actually know what my limits are, and I believe it’s because my coping mechanism has to just accept things and suck them up no matter how bad they get. That’s what I’m trying to change for myself now.

What was the worst breakup you've ever had?  I’ve had two breakups with the same person, and the second one was worse.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know i love memes as much as anyone else on this hellsite and the internet in general. but one meme i can’t stand now, as well as a joke used by older comedians about ~kids today!!!! am i right???~ that i can’t stand now, is the one that’s like “all 10 year olds want today is an iphone or an ipad or a macbook for their birthday or christmas! all i got for my 10th birthday/christmas as a kid was a tennis racquet and a tether ball that hit me in the face! kids are so spoilt today! you better get an i-job to i-pay for your spoilt mac-ass!”

because like.... do you not understand that in today’s increasingly over-connected world, ipads and macbooks or other tablets/laptops are pretty much required school equipment now, if your 10yo kid’s primary/elementary etc school has a ~bring your own device~ policy for kids in years 4-6??? like obviously yes, some schools will provide students with laptop/tablet trolleys and stuff.... or also the government might have a program to roll out laptops/tablets to schools (like australia did under rudd and gillard).... that some schools will literally put “parents must get a reliable tablet computer or laptop computer for their child to use for assignments”. when it comes to high school, i imagine that they’ll need their own laptop/tablet the whole way through their time there, if there is no longer any school provided or limited school provided laptops/desktop computers/tablets.

that’s besides the point that laptops etc are even more so required now than ever before, after everyone was forced to do homeschooling because of covid??? so. practically. a kid asking for a macbook/ipad or other tablets/laptops for their birthday or christmas, isn’t such a bad idea for a present??? even if yeah. apple is overrated and overpriced to the max. but suck it up and pay for your child’s future education??? even it means getting a cheaper laptop or tablet for your kid.

all i can say on the above point is that yes. the idea of ~bring your own device~ policies does set many families back- especially those in/from lower income areas/backgrounds or single parent families... considering that a decent tablet will set you back at least $500 and a decent mini laptop is around the same.... but bigger and better laptops are around $1000 on sale (windows) or idek like $1,200 on an apple education pricing deal. like yeah. it’s a demarcation thing and also setting some people up to fail. and again, this has been made increasingly obvious during covid due to different families acces to buying laptops/tablets or other internet connection means. i also understand that these big ticket item purchases of tablets/laptops hits the hip pockets of everyone harder during the pandemic, especially if you’re struggling with debt like mortgage repayments or whatever while being made redundant or are being paid less while working from home.

okay. not to sound like a spoilt brat of a kid, but i got my first laptop, an i-book G4 for my 10th birthday in 2005. then almost 10 years later, i got a macbook for my 18th birthday (and for my HSC/end of high school exams) in 2013. yes, this is the macbook that i promptly fucked up two years later in 2015, by trying to encrypt the hard drive, since i was taking it to uni and it had all my internet passwords remembered on it along with my banking details. the same goes for my other windows laptop... where the hard drive just decided to fry itself like 4 months into me using it, along with the trackpad. and that was a $1,200 ASUS laptop (bought on sale) that i was using for uni. and then finally my little HP stream laptop’s keyboard shorted out halfway through a creative writing class (that was $500 and it only has a 28gb hard drive so it’s very light and good for transport).

but my point is, me having my own laptop (as opposed to using the family computer only) helped me immensely in my studies..... and they were literally fucking essential to me both in business college and uni. but they were also helpful in late high school, considering that 90% of my assignment work was expected to be typed out in microsoft word or powerpoint or excel (for maths and science). or for more creative projects, i was expected to use adobe photoshop and video editing software like imovie or adobe premiere pro (art/computer tech/drama/that weird year 7 subject i did called INTEL) and garageband/sibelius (for music). how on earth was i supposed to keep doing work on adobe photoshop or word etc at home if i didn’t have my own laptop to continue the work???

because as a final point, for me, literally by year 10 in 2011, NOT ONE of my assignments was expected to be handwritten (bar my actual exams or in class tests; also state tests/exams etc; or if it was a poster or visual art). if you dared to turn in something handwritten, the teacher and student interaction would be like the following example:

teacher to a kid whose handed in a handwritten assignment: did you not read the assessment outline? it said WORD PROCESSED WITH WORD! what is this handwritten thing? okay fine. i’ll take it this time. but read the outline next time, timothy!

timothy: *stammers out* s-sorry miss/s-sorry sir *stalks away from the teacher’s desk in embarrassment and shame*

the teacher, probs thinking to themself: weird that a kid thinks they can hand in something handwritten. silly, really.

the above scenario was the same for me in years 11 & 12. also, by year 9/2010, we were using the education management system moodle (and maybe early stage presi for online presentations) for both of our HSIE subjects (history and geography) and i think a couple of other subjects, during most lessons and especially for class work that involved group work/class discussions, via online discussion boards function. my year group was actually was actually one of the test year groups for the early models of moodle. so by the time i was in uni, i was a native to using moodle; so i could skip the “moodle help tutorial” subject portions on it in every class.

hell, for today, i wouldn’t be surprised if foreign language subject faculties in high schools are now using school subscription class accounts or something for duolingo or babbel. and today, kids are learning coding from like year 4 onwards, i think, on apps at school as part of their science & tech studies lesson portion of the day. how on fucking earth are kids meant to keep up with their class work progression on coding apps or whatever, at home, if they don’t have their own laptop/tablet??? ridiculous. how would kids fare today without their own laptop/tablet, if all of their classwork for homeschooling is on like google drive/cloud or whatever other open source drive/open source cloud software their school uses?? or any other apps that their school might use??? obviously we are seeing this play out in real time during the pandemic, world over, where if a child is in a single parent family or if their two parents don’t have adequate enough resources/have been fired or let go from their jobs/juggling working from home and homeschooling; then it’s hurting these kids likelihood of doing well with distance learning.

but yeah. my point is that if your kid is asking you for a laptop or a tablet (regardless of brand) for their birthday or christmas, maybe buy them one?? because you never know. it may be the very thing at the top of their student resource list for the following school year. and also. do you know what stops kids fighting over their access to the family computer/tablet to do their assessments etc??? buying them their own personal laptops or tablets. even if they do cost an arm and a fucking leg. get your heads out of your asses and help your own goddamned kids (or relatives if it’s a nephew/niece etc asking for one) like you’re supposed to.

okay. for phones. i’ll admit i wouldn’t like a 10 year old having their own phone, because of social media being so easy to access on them. but if you don’t allow them to use the app store and don’t allow them to download instagram/facebook et al..... and give them the phone solely for safety reasons, i think that’s fine?

i’ve had a phone since i was 10 years old. also not to sound awfully clichè, but i turned out okay??? i had to have a phone back in year 4/2005 due to safety and also family issues. do you know what my teachers did with it? locked it away in their desk til the end of the day. obvs they had to remind me to take it home sometimes (bc i did leave it behind at school in the desk a few times lmao) but yeah. i was alright. if a kid wants a phone..... maybe make a compromise and get the classic nokia 3310 or something?? like i obvs agree that kids as young as 10 defs don’t need a smartphone like an iphone or a samsung galaxy. but a rock solid and basic nokia 3310 or whatever with no wifi access??? that’s good enough imo.

[ladyreapermc]

Catching Feelings 2/? (Keanu x OFC)

Summary: AU in which Keanu is down on his luck after he comes to Hollywood trying to be an actor. To earn some money, he joins this app for escorts and meets Steph, a rising star who hires him to try to forget her ex. Neither of them are expecting to fall in love and all the problems it brings.

Previous chapters: 1

Author’s notes: Thanks everyone for the comments on the first part. I’m glad you liked. Here’s the second chapter.

Wordcount: 4115

Warnings: prostitution and smut (D/S undertones).

“How was it?” Were the first words Keanu heard when he stepped into the apartment he shared with his friend Scott.

Well calling that place an apartment was actually being charitable since it was basically a tiny little studio in a building that was falling apart in one of the seediest areas of Los Angeles. But it was a roof over his head and all Keanu could afford so there was no point in complaining.

“It was…” he trailed off, setting his helmet and jacket by the door and dropping on the ratty couch beside Scott. It was really all he could say about what happened the night before.

When Keanu sighed up for Mars and Venus, he wasn’t expecting it to be quite like this. Selling his body – and no matter how many times Scott told him that he didn’t really have to have sex with his clients, that was how Keanu saw it – just made him feel dirty, but he was completely broke and there weren’t too many places willing to hire a high school dropout whose only real skills were riding motorcycles, playing bass and acting.

Scratch that. Apparently, he couldn’t even act, because that had been the reason why he came to Los Angeles in the first place. He had done fairly well back in Toronto, appearing in a couple of TV specials and movies. It wasn’t much, but it got him an offer to be in a Disney movie, which to a 21-year-old guy with big dreams had sounded like an amazing offer.

So, Keanu cleared his savings, packed his stuff and moved to Los Angeles expecting to take on Hollywood. When he arrived, he found out the movie deal fell through and he was left with nothing. Fast forward six years and Keanu was still down on his luck. He gave up on acting altogether and just tried to get by, taking any jobs he managed to find. That was how Keanu met Robert and Brett and Dogstar happened.

It was currently one of the high points of his life. They were still on that phase of begging bars and clubs to let them play and barely making anything out of it, but they were good. Maybe they could make it. Keanu just had to hang on for a while longer.

Hence the whole Mars and Venus thing. Scott told him how much he would make in a date and Keanu was shocked. Sure, a subscription was expensive, but if he really could make at least 2k a date, Keanu should able to pay his bills, move into a better apartment, maybe even get a proper place for the band to rehearse and work on their music, maybe even record a demo…

Scott said it was pretty easy. Most of his clients were middle-aged women that just wanted something pretty on her arm to show off to her friends. Or a companion for the night. It was completely up to Keanu if it would turn into sex or not. So, Keanu signed up even if it still made him feel cheap. Not long after that, he got an invitation.

He had been so nervous when he got to her house. The last thing Keanu expected was to meet actress Stephanie Walker, who looked as awkward as he was. He certainly didn’t expect the night to go quite like that. It was fun and light and wonderful, and the sex had been mind-blowing.

In the morning, however, Keanu woke up to the sound of his phone. It was confirmation of payment. His bank account, which only had 2 dollars for the last two weeks had a few more zeros in it.

The sight of it made him Keanu feel ashamed because he really enjoyed Steph’s company. He liked her. It felt almost like a first date, but reality finally sunk in. It wasn't a date and Keanu just became the kind person that slept with people for money.

He sneaked out of her house while Steph was still asleep, embarrassed, disgusted and confused. Keanu expected the ride back would help clear his head, but he was still feeling the same way as he got home.

“Did you charge extra for staying over?” Scott asked, and Keanu’s only reply was a headshake. “Rookie mistake. Always charge extra for spending the night,” Scott instructed. “How much did you make?”

Keanu just handed him his phone, moving to the kitchen to get himself something to eat even if his stomach felt queasy.

“Not bad.” his friend whistled. “Now, here’s what you gonna do: get some of this money and buy yourself a suit. Nothing off the rack either. Something good, that fits you well. You never know when they’ll want to take you to a gala.”

“No, man. I’m done with this,” Keanu replied. “With this money, I can get things going and maybe…” he trailed off with a hopeful sigh.

“Suit yourself.” Scott had a doubtful look on his face but just shrugged, disappearing into his room without another word.

Keanu really thought he was done with Mars and Venus. He stayed away for two weeks, but between paying for the studio so Dogstar could finally record a demo and some idiot backing into his bike and messing up his exhaust, the money he made from his date with Steph was over too quickly. Everything was so damn expensive in LA.

So, he reinstalled the app discovering he had missed several invitations while he was offline. With a knot in his chest, he upped his price from 2k to 3k and waited. Soon enough Keanu had new invitations.

Another week passed before Keanu got another invitation from Steph. He thought he would never hear from her again because she shouldn’t need to pay for company or sex; but there it was, her name flashing on his screen during rehearsal.

Keanu knew he shouldn’t. He had been thinking about her no-stop for the last few weeks, watching her movies like a lovesick boy with a crush. He should stay very far away from Steph.

“Hey Ke! Are you gonna do this or not?” Brett called with an expectant look.

“Yeah. Just a sec,” he replied distractedly as he accepted her invitation.

---

This time, when Keanu arrived in front of Steph’s house and rang the intercom, she immediately had the garage gate open so he could bring his motorcycle inside, which he appreciated. His Norton was his most prized possession along with his bass. And Keanu couldn’t afford to lose it.

He parked it next to her car once again and took off his helmet to look at her, trying to ignore the fluttering on his chest. She had cut her hair. When they first met, her chestnut locks fell to her back, now it hung above her shoulders and it really suited her. It drew even more attention to her big brown eyes, which looked full of hesitation.

“Hi,” he said, getting off his bike and her lips quirked into a small smile.

“Hi. Thanks for coming.”

Once again they stood awkwardly in front of one other, not knowing what to say or do. Keanu cleared his throat and buried his hands in his jacket pockets.

“I didn’t expect to hear from you again,” he admitted, gaze on his boots.

“Yeah… I just…” Steph trailed off with a sigh and Keanu noticed her eyes were reddish and a little puffy like she had been crying.

“One of those days?” Keanu offered, curious but not wanting to pry and she just nodded, leading the way inside.

Right away he noticed the house looked different, the biggest change had been all the photos of Steph and her ex-boyfriend had disappeared from the walls, as well as some of the framed movie posters she had. By the door, he could see a box full of stuff with her name written on the side.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out she probably went through that difficult moment of returning her ex’s stuff and getting her own back. No wonder she had a bad day.

“You like Chinese?” she asked, taking his jacket. “I was gonna order in.”

“Yeah. Love Chinese,” Keanu assured, taking a seat on the couch as she placed the order. After that, she sat down as well and a strange silence hung over them, tense and awkward and Keanu raked his brain for something to say.

“How about we watch something?” Steph suggested and he could hear in her voice she felt just as weird as he did.

“Sure.”

She grabbed the remote, flipping through channels until she froze as a picture of her ex-boyfriend was splashed over the screen.

Action movie hero Kevin Miller is seen again with Victoria’s Secret’s model Gisele Anderson. The couple was spotted leaving one of the most exclusive clubs in LA. It was only a little over a month ago that Miller was dating the Hollywood rising star, Stephanie Walker…

Keanu gently took the remote from her hands and changed the channel. He glanced over at her, noticing her eyes welling up.

“How about some Netflix instead?” he offered, and Steph nodded as he turned on the streaming service and browsed through her selection.

“Wow! You really like procedural dramas and cop thrillers, huh?” Keanu teased trying to nudge her out of her funk. She only gave him a watery smile and a shrug.

“I like to try to figure out who did it.”

“Yeah? Let’s see how good you are,” he said, picking a random movie and pressing play. Steph just snorted, but they settled more comfortably on the couch side by side, their arms brushing every time one of them moved.

As the movie progressed Keanu felt both himself and Steph finally relaxing, the conversation flowing a little easier as they joked and argued about the movie. When their takeout arrived, they spread Steph’s order on the coffee table.

“Did you order for two or twelve?” he teased, looking over the amount of food in front of him and Steph chuckled and shrugged.

“I like to have options,” she said, pilling her plate with a little bit of everything.

Keanu did not expect such a tiny thing like Steph to be able to eat that much; and making the most indecent sounds too.

“Stop looking at me like that!” she said over a mouthful, her eyes crinkling with her amusement. “I spent four months off carbs. I’m making up for the lost time.”

“I can see that. Do you want me to give you the room or something?” he asked with a playful grin. “Because it almost sounds like you’re making love with that noodle!”

Steph snorted a laugh, cheeks turning pink and Keanu grinned. She had a very nice laugh and the most perfect smile. Kevin Miller was a complete idiot for letting her go.

“I don’t sound like that at all,” she replied, sticking her tongue out at him.

“You’re right. It’s much throatier,” Keanu said, sipping his beer and smirking as the flush on her cheeks turned brighter. “And bossy.”

“I’m not bossy!” Steph argued, sounding a little embarrassed. “I just know what I like, and I try to make sure my partner knows too.” She narrowed her eyes at him, her own lips drawing onto a smirk. “If memory serves, you were very much into it.”

“I was,” Keanu said, meeting her gaze. “Still am.”

This time the tension that lingered between them wasn’t awkward, just heavy as they sneaked glances at each other throughout the rest of dinner and movie. Keanu wanted to move closer and touch her; have Steph in her arms, but there was a little voice in his head reminding him that this wasn’t real. She didn’t even know his name.

“Is everything ok?” she asked, and Keanu looked over to see she had a frown of worry. Maybe something had shown on his face.

“Yeah. Just fine,” he lied, combing his fingers through his hair and looking away. “What do you want to do now?”

Steph paused for a moment and Keanu could see she was searching for something to say. He hoped she wanted him to stay.

“I guess we should call it a night,” she said at last and he sighed, schooling his features so his disappointment wouldn’t be too obvious. Keanu put on his jacket and followed Steph to the garage. The awkward silence of unspoken words heaving on them.

“It’s a beautiful bike,” she commented, running her hand over the tank.

“Do you know anything about motorcycles?” he asked perking up at her interest.

“I just know they look awesome.”

“Do you wanna take a ride?” Keanu offered. It was a way to prolong this and for once he had his spare helmet with him.

“Let me grab a jacket and shoes,” she replied, smiling brightly and Keanu felt his heart speeding in his chest. That was all he wanted.

When Steph came back Keanu could see the excited glint in her eyes as he helped her put on the helmet, adjusting the strap under her chin before she climbed behind him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he could smell her perfume surrounding him as he started the bike and took off.

Keanu didn’t want to scare her, so he kept it under the speed limit as he rode the roads of Hollywood Hills, but as he noticed her delighted laugh every time he took a sharp turn, he dared to put a little more speed, her hands tightening around his waist.

“That was amazing!” Steph exclaimed as they stopped at the shoulder of the road where tourists usually parked to take pictures, but at that time of the night it was completely dark and deserted; the only light sources were the stars and his bike.

She stood there, hair messy from the helmet, cheeks flushed from the ride, with a wide grin watching the city lights in the valley below and Keanu’s breath caught in his throat. Even though he loved to watch that view, all he could do was stare at her.

“Thank you, Charles,” she said, looking up at him.

“Keanu,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

“What?” she asked with a cute little frown of confusion.

“It’s my name. My real name.”

“Oh,” she paused for a moment before her expression shifted into a smile. “Then thank you, Keanu.”

---

“Where did Charles come from?” Steph asked as they sat across each other in a diner she claimed had the best milkshake in Los Angeles.

“It’s actually my middle name.”

“Keanu Charles,” she said almost as if trying it out. “Sounds good. I don’t think I ever heard that name before. Keanu.”

“It’s Hawaiian,” he explained, swirling his chocolate milkshake. “Means cool breeze over the mountains.”

“That’s really nice,” she smiled around her straw and he had to look away so he wouldn’t think about how her lips had looked wrapped around his cock. “How did you end up with a Hawaiian name?”

Keanu took a deep breath, pushing his drink aside as he launched himself into the story about his father and the rest of the family; how he came to LA and ended doing what he was doing. He didn’t share that with many people, but he wanted to share it with her.

In turn, Steph spoke a little about her own family; how she always showed a talent for dancing and acting from a young age and her mom pushed her into doing all the auditions. She told him how she quitted at thirteen because she wanted to have a normal life. She didn’t come back to it until after college, where she discovered she did really love to perform, but on her own terms.

Once again it felt just like a perfect date and when they finished their shakes, which Keanu made sure to pay for, he brought her back home walking Steph to her door.

“I really enjoyed tonight,” she said with a soft smile as they paused outside.

“Me too.” He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek before he bent down to kiss her. She tasted like strawberries and it was the best thing in the world.

Steph wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer until their bodies were pressed together as they explored each other’s mouths. Their first time had been all about frantic need. Their kisses were hard and bruising. This time, even if the same hunger and heat lingered, there was a softness to it. Almost affection.

“Do you want to come in?” she asked against his lips. Keanu grinned and nodded, letting go of her only long enough for Steph turn around in his arms. He kept peppering kisses over her neck as she giggled and struggled against the lock.

They were back in each other’s arms as soon as they were inside, kissing and touching and peeling their clothes off on the way to the living room. Keanu paused for a moment to look at her, drinking the sight of her beautiful body and he didn’t think he ever wanted anyone as much as he wanted her.

He took a step towards Steph, but she stopped him with a hand on his chest. Keanu met her gaze in confusion, finding in her eyes a heated look that made his cock throb.

The hand on his chest trailed up almost teasingly until it buried in his hair and she took a handful of it, her grip firm with just a little edge of rough that made him hiss and goosebumps of anticipation rise on his skin.

“Kneel,” she ordered, using her hold on him to push him down and Keanu obeyed, looking up at her through his lashes as Steph smirked. “You look good like this, on your knees for me.”

She rested against the couch’s arm and spread her knees. Keanu almost whimpered as he saw her soaked cunt glistening in the low light of the room. He licked his lips and met Steph’s eyes again.

“You wanna taste me?”

“Yeah,” he breathed out, his voice shaky with need. He was so hard it almost hurt. “Please.”

Her expression turned into a gorgeous sly smirk as she tugged on his hair, bringing him closer until his mouth could reach her and Keanu ran the flat of his tongue over her slit, making Steph moan.

“You don’t come until I do,” she said, rolling her hips against his mouth. “And no fingers this time.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he mumbled against her.

There was a certain thrill of letting her command him like this, tell him exactly what to do and how. It made him hot with want and eager to please her. Make sure Steph was satisfied. He explored her cunt with his tongue and lips, paying attention to every spot that made her breath hitch or dragged a moan out of her.

He sucked on her clit with just the lightest scrape of teeth and Steph rocked her hips and pulled him even closer, grinding against his face. Keanu was having a hard time breathing and his jaw was starting to ache, but he could see the way her thighs were quaking and hear how she was panting; how her hands kept tightening against his scalp. Knowing he could make her feel this good was urging Keanu on, stroking his own desire as he flicked the tip of his tongue against her clit again and Steph groaned.

“Yes! Just like that. I’m so close,” she panted and he kept his rhythm steady, digging his nails on his thighs to keep himself from touching, his dick aching and leaking in need.

Soon he felt the way her entire body tensed, her thighs pressing against the side of his head as she came crying out his name. Keanu lapped hungrily at her juices, he could get addicted to her taste. He only stopped when Steph tugged on his hair again, pulling him away from her.

Keanu looked up, noticing her flushed face, sweat making her hair stick to her cheeks, a lazy, pleased smile tucked on her lips. She looked even more beautiful like this.

“Good?” he asked with a lopsided grin.

“Fucking perfect,” she said, bringing him closer until he was on his feet again and towering over her. “Deserves a reward.” Steph caught his lip into a dirty kiss that almost felt like she was chasing her own taste in his mouth.

At the first touch of her hand on his cock, Keanu moaned hips thrusting forward at their own accord desperate for more but Steph kept her motions slow and gentle, running her thumb over the head spreading the precum over his length.

“Steph, please…” he gasped, feeling her smirk against his mouth.

“Please what?” she asked, pulling back to look at him.

“Let me fuck you,” Keanu wasn’t ashamed to admit he was begging. He just needed to be inside her and he didn’t care what he had to do to get that. “Please, ma’am.”

“Good boy,” she grinned at him, pressing a quick on his lips. “Condom.”

Keanu moved away long enough to find his discarded jacket, reach for his wallet and grab the condom he kept it there. His hands shook as he rolled it on himself and moved back to Steph, waiting for her next command.

She gestured him to come closer, stand between her legs and Keanu obeyed, stroking himself to get some relief. Steph fixed her perch on the arm of the couch, making sure she had enough balance before she hooked her legs around his hips and pulled Keanu closer wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

They both moaned when his cock glided over her slit. Keanu squeezed his eyes shut, resting his forehead against hers, his fingers digging on her hips in the effort of not thrusting into her, not until she said so.

“God, you’re desperate for me, aren’t you?” Steph caressed the side of his face gently.  

“Yeah,” he gasped, his breath mingling with hers. “May I?”

“Yes,” she said, her hand stroking him again, before lining him to her entrance. “Slow.”

Keanu nodded and forced himself to slowly thrust into the delicious tight, wet heat. He knew Steph was doing this to drive both of them crazy and Keanu was close to losing it. Pleasure coursed through his body, making his mind dizzy with want.

Finally, he was all the way in and Steph shifted a bit for a better position sending sparks of pleasure through Keanu, making his hips snap up to meet her and she grinned at him.

“I love how full you make me feel,” she said, meeting his lips for a soft kiss. “Come on, baby. Fuck me.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. Keanu hiked her legs up to his waist and pulled back, almost all the way out before slamming back in, groaning as the movement made heat build on the pit of his stomach, her walls throbbing and fluttering around him.

Steph held onto his shoulders, letting him do all the work since she didn’t really have much leverage to meet his thrusts. Little cries of pleasure spilled from her lips as she leaned her head back, exposing the beautiful column of her neck and Keanu kissed and nipped gently, careful not to mark her smooth skin.

He got lost in sensations. The feel of her around him squeezing his cock almost as if trying to keep him close whenever he pulled back. The wet sound of their bodies meeting mixed with their groans of pleasure. The smell of their sweat together and the taste of her skin. The sight of her blissed-out expression as Keanu fucked her into incoherent pleas of more and faster.

Keanu was so focused on Steph, on making sure she was enjoying herself that his own orgasm took him a bit by surprise. He held her close, burying his face against her neck, grunting and panting and she held him through it, petting his hair.

Once he caught his breath, he met her gaze with a frown.

“You didn’t…” Steph just smiled.

“Takes me a while to come again after the first,” she said, kissing his cheek. “It’s ok, Keanu, I enjoyed it.”

“No, it isn’t,” he said pulling back from her and going on his knees again. Steph just chuckled, brushing his cheek. “I want you to feel good and I’m not gonna stop until you do.”

“Okay,” she replied with a grin. “Get to work then.”

xxx (tbc) xxx

Go to chapter 3

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[jenoptimist]

Moving houses wasn’t considered a tragedy; tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions were all tragedies. They were all extremely serious and devastating to be considered one. And yet there you were, staring at your new house with a large box in your hands, practically reeking of misery. Logically, you knew why your parents up and moved your small family from the busy, largely populated city to the quiet suburbs with its tight-knit community–rent was disgustingly high in the city but a mortgage in the suburbs, while not dirt cheap, was certainly worth the money when they did the figures. But still. Your whole life was in the city. It wasn’t like you had many friends or anything, however the few that you did fortunately lived within walking distance. 

At least decorating your room would be fun. Your brother wasn’t as artistically talented as his close friend, Ten, but he had better artistic skills and vision than you did. You knew that he wouldn’t disagree when you’d ask him to help. At least you hoped so, anyway, because Taeyong had the tendency to be too absorbed in whatever game he had just recently purchased. His newfound love seemed to be Animal Crossing at the moment as he talked about it non-stop. In the off chance he’d decline, you would probably just resort to searching up a Bob Ross painting tutorial on YouTube. Although you hoped you wouldn’t have to. You wanted to spend some quality time with your brother before he inevitably disappeared in his room to play his games or produce some mixtapes in his makeshift at-home music studio.

“Isn’t it fantastic?” Your mom breathed out enthusiastically as she came up from behind you, a small box in her hands. Not wanting to see her face wrinkle with a frown, you decided to agree.

“Yeah, it looks great.” 

If she heard the melancholy in your voice, she chose to ignore it.

*

It had been a few months since you moved in and you tried adapting to your new life in the suburbs. Not changed that much really–you still just stayed inside your room alternating between reading books and watching movies on Netflix. What did change was that you could no longer just walk up to your friend’s house when you were bored. Facetime was fantastic and everything but could only do so much. You loved your friends. Really, you did, but the commute to the city was almost two hours by bus. What made it even worse was that the bus was infrequent, showing up either a few minutes early or vice verse. In rare occasions the bus wouldn’t make an appearance at all. Your older sister sure was lucky that she had a stable job and could afford to maintain her life in the city. 

Deciding that you needed a change of scenery, you abandoned your seat by the window and made your way to the kitchen where you found your mom chopping up some vegetables. When she declined your offer to help her, you beelined towards the fridge to grab a glass of water before sitting down to watch her as she hummed, skillfully cutting the carrots into thin strips.

“Honey,” she said as she dropped the knife on the chopping board, looking up to face you. “Do you ever get bored in the house?”

You shrugged noncommittally. “Sometimes.”

“Well, what if I gave you a task?” You scrunched your nose. The last time your mom had given you something to do because you were ‘lazing around’ it ended up with you almost breaking your arm, and probably your leg, because the ladder wobbled. Fortunately Taeyong was with you at the time and was able to help break your fall. “Please? Our neighbor, Mrs.Na keeps asking me about ‘the child that keeps looking out the window wistfully’ and I think that you could use a bit of fresh air.”

“So you want me to,” you said slowly while practically disappeared into the chair, “make friendly with the neighbors?” She tittered at your reaction. But could she blame you? You weren’t a social butterfly or anything. In fact it was even amazing that you had friends in the first place considering how introverted you were. 

“No. Not if you don’t want to. I was thinking more like you could fix up our front garden.”

The garden wasn’t horrendous looking. At least you didn’t think so. Sure, there were some weeds that littered the majority of the grass and there weren’t any flowers, but not everybody could have beautiful front gardens like Mrs.Na! Her sons was super conscious about how their garden looked. It was a regular occurrence to see one of them, usually the one with the bubblegum pink hair, water their plants at least three times a day while you were reading by your window, with a large smile on his face. Although you weren’t sure that plants needed to be watered that often, their garden was super lush and vibrant. Maybe they just had a magic green fingers and that was why none of their plants died of over-watering and always looked spectacular.

You eyed your mother suspiciously. “And it isn’t because you want to have the best front garden in the neighborhood.” Your mom was as competitive as they got; any time a festive season was due she had to outdo the rest on the street with the decorations that she hung up, she never let you or any of your siblings win at Mario Kart and you remember when you were younger, you had to have the prettiest lunchbox in the class. There were more instances you could think of but those remained vivd in your memory.

The smile that she let out was a guilty one. “Well, maybe just a little.”

You snorted, knowing that the opposite was true. “I’ll do it but only if we buy Disney Plus.” You had been bugging your parents to buy the subscription for a while, needing to fulfill your love for Disney movies, but they didn’t budge no matter how hard you pleaded. If you received allowance you would have subscribed the day it became available but you didn’t and Taeyong, sadly, had to decline because of his recent gaming purchases. You waited patiently as she mulled it over.

“Alright kiddo. You got yourself a deal,” you whooped loudly, “but the garden needs to look fabulous.” 

You mock saluted her as you hopped off of the seat. You had garden plans to make.

*

It was disrespectfully hot when you decided to put your plan into motion. The sweat trickled down your back as you tried to remove your first weed. You had been at it for a few minutes but it didn’t shift, not even a little bit, and you were getting more and more impatient as the seconds flew by.

“Can’t you help me?” You whined, gloved hands still gripping tightly onto the annoying little plant, as you turned to look at your brother who was sitting on the steps.

Without raising his eyes from his phone he said, “nope. It’s your job. I’m just here to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.”

You mimicked him silently as you returned your gaze to the weed, hoping that your glare would somehow disintegrate it. The annoying thing was that you had everything you needed except, apparently, a small digging spade. Grumbling to yourself, you exerted what you hoped was enough energy as you pulled harder. Nothing. It didn’t even budge. You folded your arms as you scowled, watching as it danced with the breeze. It definitely seemed to mock your failure with each movement that it made. Wiping your forehead you stood up and marched back inside your house, making sure to lightly kick your brother on the way in, and determinedly searched for something that could help you dig out the little monster.

Deciding that one spoon disappearing mysteriously wouldn’t be noticed by your parents, you grabbed one and stomped back outside. Taeyong slapped your leg as you passed by which made you stick your tongue out at him–not that he noticed, too engrossed in his game. As you began harshly shoveling at the soil surrounding the weed, you reasoned that your mom couldn’t be annoyed at you if she were to find out about the spoon. She was the one that wanted the prettiest garden after all.

It felt like more than an eternity had passed before you successfully managed to rid the garden of its weeds. The sun was setting and while your parents told you to head back inside, something about removing all of the weeds made you more motivated to execute the plan that you had for your garden. As you bagged up the remaining stems, you heard footsteps approach you from behind.

Taeyong squatted beside you, holding out a Caprisun. “You did a great job.” He smiled, ruffling your hair affectionately when you took the juice pouch from him. “Let’s go back inside. You can continue tomorrow.”

*

“Looking good.” A voice that definitely did not belong to your older brother commented. Whoever the person was had to be lying to you, seeing as your flowers were only cute little sprouts. Standing up and turning from your position near the steps that lead towards the door, you found yourself staring at Mrs.Na’s sons. They stood side by side on the pavement, just a few inches from the grass, surveying your garden.

“Thanks.” You mumbled, growing self conscious at your work the longer they looked at your unblossomed flowers. It had taken a few weeks but the garden was finally starting to take shape; you mowed it to perfection, planted the seeds strategically and planned to convince your parents to add a wooden bench just beside the steps so that you could read while bathing in sunlight. Maybe you could even purchase a bench from IKEA, assemble it with Taeyong and somehow convince him to paint it so that it can have some personality.

The pink haired teen, you weren’t sure but you suspected that they were around your age or maybe even a bit older, smiled brightly. It was the smile you saw when he watered his flowers. You returned his smile, albeit awkwardly, and hoped that that would be the end of the conversation. Your hope was brutally crushed when he strode towards you, stopping just a few meters away from you before thrusting his hand out.

“I’m Jaemin, your neighbor across the street. Nice to meet you!” The smile still sat on his face and you briefly wondered if his facial muscles ever grew tired. “That’s my best friend Jeno.” He continued when you shook hands.

You nodded at his not-brother, geez you were so embarrassed that you assumed that they were related, who remained at their original spot. You held your smile as you met his eyes which earned you one of his own–he had a pretty smile. It was a smile that took over his entire face, his eyes adorably disappearing into little crescents. Jeno apparently deemed the small interaction between the two of you as an okay to head over to stand beside his best friend. You felt a little dazed the longer you looked at his cute smile so you averted your gaze back to Jaemin.

“Your garden is prettier.” You complimented, hands wringing the t-shirt you sneakily took from Taeyong–it was an old one, anyway, so hopefully he wouldn’t notice that it was missing from his closet. 

Jaemin visibly preened, his smile somehow growing even wider. “Thanks! Hey, we were on our way to grab some milkshakes or something,” he side-eyed Jeno who nodded slightly. “Want to come with us?”

You blanched at his suggestion. What on earth possessed this guy and his best friend to compliment your garden and invite you to their hang out? Was this a common thing to do in the area? Although you doubted it seeing as they only approached you now and your family had moved in months ago. Unless, maybe, they were waiting until the perfect time to corner you? Whatever the reason, you had to reply because they couldn’t smile and wait patiently forever.

“They’d love to!” You turned immediately and stared at your mom incredulously. “What?” She asked as she smiled serenely. “They look like nice young men. Now go and get changed while I get them something to drink.”

*

The days that followed the impromptu hang out were fun. It was routine at that point to care and maintain your garden during the morning and then seeking out Jaemin and Jeno for company when it was the afternoon. While you and Jaemin bonded over horticulture, the teen freely offering advice on how to care for your plants and asked for your opinions on pots, you and Jeno preferred to spend your time with each other by talking about various books or him playing his guitar as you tended to your garden. Jaemin regularly teased the two of you for being ‘boring nerds’ but neither of you cared because you both knew that he was aware that his extroverted-like nature could be overwhelming at times for the two of you.

It was the afternoon and, like clockwork, you collected Jaemin from his house so that you could both walk to Jeno’s house down the street. Jaemin chatted animatedly, comfortably filling up the silence like he always did, not stopping even as the two of you approached Jeno’s house where your friend was waiting patiently at the steps on the porch of his house.

“So what are we doing?” The black haired teen asked as he jumped up and made his way towards you. He and Jaemin did their handshake when he was close enough. 

When they were finished he smiled radiantly at you, raising his hand. The gentle high-fives he gave you every time he saw you was something that you always looked forward to. There was nothing special about it or anything, you just liked the feeling of his hand against yours–which you knew was absolutely pathetic. Sometimes, though, when you were feeling particularly courageous, you folded your fingers so that your hands would interlock. It was something you did quickly, fold and then immediately let go because you knew he wouldn’t return it anyway, so there was no point in making things weird.

Your brain almost short-circuited when this time it was Jeno who folded his fingers, smile turning shy, but you managed to fold yours as well. You supposed that the two of you looked stupid; two teenagers staring at each other with their hands interlocked in mid-air however you couldn’t find it in you to care. Not when your heart was beating as fast as it was, your hands becoming clammy.

“Oh get a room!” Jaemin exclaimed as he pretended to gag. The two of you jumped apart, avoiding eye contact as your pink haired friend snickered. While Jeno started a play fight with him, you took the time to calm yourself down. When they finished, they looked at you.

“What?” Hopefully there wasn’t a flush evident on your cheeks or something because you would be mortified.

“It’s your turn to choose something for us to do today.” Jeno replied, peeking at you through his lashes.

You tilted your head slightly as you thought. The three of you had already gone to the cinema and ice-cream parlor that week because that was what Jaemin had chosen to do two days ago and yesterday, when it was Jeno’s choice, the three of you went to the small museum before he requested that the two of you model for him so that he could work on his photography skills. There wasn’t much else to do so you were stumped.

“How about we build something from IKEA?” Your parents caved in and bought the bench however Taeyong declined your invitation to assemble it because of work. At his refusal you immediately began to sulk but quickly cheered up when he promised that he would paint it when he had the chance.

“Do you mean the bench that your parents bought the other day?” 

Pleased that Jeno remembered the tidbit of random information, you beamed. “Yep! So, what do you guys say?” They chirped their agreement and with that, the three of you spun around and walked back to your house.

“Are we nearly finished?” Jaemin asked from where he was laying down on the grass, resting his face on the palm of his hands.

Jeno clicked his tongue at response. “You mean are me and y/n nearly finished.” He corrected as he continue to twist the screwdriver. Jaemin pouted which made you huff out a laugh. He was the one who eagerly volunteered to read out the instructions as the two of you assembled it, imitating a loud buzzer when either of you did something wrong.

“Don’t worry, we’re almost finished.” You assured him then you turned to face Jeno. “Can I have that screwdriver when you’re done?” He nodded in reply. As you waited, you allowed your eyes roam his figure; from how his eyebrows furrowed in concentration and then all the way down to his bicep and hands. Your eyes averted immediately to the large tree behind him when he moved suddenly. “Thanks.” You said as he held out the tool towards you. The two of you held eye contact for longer than necessary, your hand over his as you swiped the screwdriver from him.

“Your welcome.” Jeno responded quietly, his eyes searching your own.

From your right, you heard Jaemin flop onto his back and release a loud, groan that spoke of long-suffering.

*

Unable to fall asleep, you scrolled through your phone aimlessly. It was four in the morning and the entire house was asleep. As you were about to click a random YouTube video that was in your recommendations, you received a text from Jeno. You smiled goofily at your screen as you tapped your reply to his question. Just as you were about to start the video, there was a light tap on your window. You waited, hoping it was just in your imagination or a bird that crashed into your window by mistake. Another tap convinced you to slowly get off of your bed and check the winow.

Jeno stood on your lawn in a puffer jacket and sweats, camera strap hanging on his neck. “Come with me.” He said, keeping his voice low.

“Where?” You inquired, already ready to grab your hoodie and your shoes.

“It’s a surprise.”

The surprise ended up being a forty-five minute away. The location he lead you to was on top of a steep hill, where a large cherry tree stood. The hill overlooked the neighborhood and, if you squinted hard enough, you could just about make the outline of your house. The view was very pretty. You made a mental note to read in the shade of the tree some time during the week or maybe even host a picnic there.

“Why’d you take me here?” You questioned, turning to look at Jeno.

“I thought that we could watch the sun rise,” he kicked at the air lightly, fiddling with his camera. “And that maybe I could take some pictures of you?”

“Okay,” you agreed easily, loving how he beamed at you in return. You sat on the grass, patting the spot next to you, and hugged your arms against your chest. Resting your temple on your knees, you caught Jeno looking at you. “What?” He shook his head. “So how’d you find this place?” You asked. You were mesmerized by the way he spoke, calm and gentle as always. Sleep was threatening to possess you but you fought against it, not wanting to miss anything.

When the sun made its slow appearance, Jeno hopped up and held his hands out to you, pulling you up when you grabbed onto them. Him taking pictures was nothing new but you felt a little bit antsy because it would be his first time taking pictures of you without Jaemin. As you contorted your body to create a variety of silly poses, you tried not to think about how intimate the whole situation felt. It was probably all in your head anyway.

“Wait, just two more.” With that, he let his camera go and retrieved his phone from his pocket. He took a photo of you and then he walked up to you, put his arms around your shoulders and snapped a quick picture.

The walk back involved plenty of saccharine smiles, bashful gazes and Jeno handing you his puffer jacket to keep you warm. You didn’t feel brave enough to take his hand on your own or kiss him sweetly like they did in the movies when you were saying goodbyes. But as you stared at your ceiling, smile so wide it hurt your cheeks, you wished that you did.

*

“What are you guys doing?”

The two teens stopped bickering, Jeno placing something behind his back. You quirked a brow but took a seat in the booth opposite them, anyway. Jaemin wanted to watch a movie again and so to pass the time, the three of you decided to grab a milkshake in the diner before the screening.

“Oh no,” Jaemin gasped dramatically as he patted at the pockets of his denim jacket. “I forgot my wallet at home,” you shrugged, offering to pay for him immediately. “No, it’s alright. I’ll just go and grab it. Ow! Jeno, what the hell!” You glanced at the aforementioned teen, who smiled innocently before wincing. “Well,” Jaemin sighed as he stood up, “I’ll just head out.” Jeno covered his eyes with his hand, avoiding the look that his best friend gave him. As soon as he disappeared, Jeno’s phone buzzed numerous times which made him mutter something you didn’t catch.

“Okay,” you said, dragging out the word. “What was that all about?”

“Who knows?” You remained somewhat suspicious. There was something going on, you were sure of it. “I, um, ordered your regular for you if that’s alright?”

You nodded an affirmative and allowed a beat of silence before you spoke again. “He’s not coming back, is he?”

Jeno sputtered. “I– Well, you see–” You giggled at him, causing him to whine out your name as he hid his face in his hands. “There’s something I need to give you.” Then, without further hesitation, he produced a mason jar from behind his back. “It’s a terrarium that I made for you yesterday.”

You took it from his hands and held it with caution as you inspected it. It was very pretty. The plants that he chose were extremely vibrant, the stones different colors and he even placed a cute little cat figurine that was made to appear like it was sleeping.

Removing your gaze from the mason jar, you met his eyes. “Is this why you couldn’t hang out with us yesterday?” You asked softly. When he nodded, you returned your gaze to the mason jar so that you could continue to stare at the terrarium in wonder. “Oh my God,” you breathed out, gently placing the container onto the table. “This is totally a date, isn’t it? That’s why Jaemin abandoned us the minute I got here.”

Jeno fidgeted with his fingers as he met your eyes, clearing his throat before he spoke. “I wanted to ask you before, you know the day we watched the sun rise together?”

“Jeno that was two weeks ago.”

He winced. “Yeah, I know. I chickened out last minute.”

“Oh my God,” you repeated, eyes widening. “If you had told me this was a date I would have dressed nicer. Jeno, how could you do this to me?”

“So you don’t mind that this is a date?”

“Jeno, sweetie, I’ve had a massive crush on you for ages now. I’m surprised you didn’t notice or I didn’t accidentally tell you.”

A goofy smile lit up his face. “Oh.” He looked extremely pleased, like a dream of his came true. You supposed it probably did. “You look great, anyway, so it doesn’t matter. You always look great.”

You rolled your eyes but couldn’t stop the smile that emerged. “So does this mean we can hold hands on the table as we share the same milkshake and stare adoringly into each others eyes?”

Jeno threw his head back to laugh and you were quick to follow. “If that’s what you want.”

Later that evening after your date was over and the two of you were sitting on the bench, the one that Taeyong successfully gave some personality, you kissed him softly like you wanted to weeks ago. And as you watched him walk away, him repeatedly looking back at you, you startled when you saw Jaemin waving his arms erratically on his porch. When you acknowledged him with a wave of your own, he gave you a huge thumbs up.

“Finally!” He hollered before breaking out into a silly dance.

“Thank you!” You yelled back.

Finally indeed.

[gamingmyhero428]

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Of Wolf's Gaming Blog

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The future of gaming is a globe where you are empowered to play the games you want, with the folks you want, anytime you want, wherever you are, and on any device of your deciding upon. Our vision for the evolution of gaming is similar to music and motion pictures — entertainment really should be obtainable on demand and accessible from any screen. Today, I am excited to share with you 1 of our essential projects that will take us on an accelerated journey to that future planet: Project xCloud.

[nickgerlich]

In The Mail

Once again, technology rules the roost, taking jobs with it but creating new ones in its wake. It is a never-ending cycle of progress, and while it has produced a net good, there are still people who complain about the disruptions.

Because, you know…those jobs.

Like at the grocery, where staffed checkouts are systematically being replaced by self-check. You would think the Russians were coming to get us or some other Cold War-era fear mongering. Post your Facebook memes and virtue signal all you want when you loudly proclaim in-store that you do not work for Walmart.

A century ago, young women were the victim of technology, when mechanical switchboards were rolled out and suddenly their role as telephone operators was no longer needed to make connections. These were entry-level jobs for women, and the machines made them irrelevant in the workforce. Well, for a while. People complained, of course, but women adapted. And here we are. Technology is like that.

I suppose those same kinds of people will be upset that Netflix is finally ending its DVD-by-mail subscription program. All those order fulfillers will have to find something else to do. Launched in 1997 as a disrupter to the bricks-and-mortar movie rental shop (Blockbuster, I’m looking at your empty storefronts right now), the company added streaming in 2008, and four years later, started producing in its own original content. The way we have watched television has never been better.

As recently as a couple of years ago, Netflix had about two million people still signed up for DVDs-by-mail, but this last April the company announced the sunset would come. And that date is 29th September, after which point the company will no longer send out discs. Current estimates peg the declining number of subscribers at a little more than a million.

Part of me says it is hard to believe that there are still a million or so people waiting days to feed their movie desires. Netflix may have been cheaper and convenient, but waiting for the postal worker to deliver your discs presents the same problem that e-commerce in general has been trying to overcome: the time and space gap. You better plan your weekend viewing now, on Tuesday.

But there is a small sliver of a silver lining on the dark cloud of progress, because if you are one of those remnant million or so, Netflix is going to toss in as many as 10 additional titles on your final orders. Better yet, they don’t want you to return anything after the end of this month. Because, what are they going to do with those old discs anyway?

I used to be a tangible media kind of guy. I insisted on owning music CDs as well as my movies, first in VHS and then DVD. I treated them like my books, because they were part of my library. I still buy books, but haven’t bought music or movies in years. Who needs to own things when you can just pay a few bucks each month (OK $20?) to tap into a massive online library? I could never begin to purchase all of that content.

While we have already discussed streaming subscription fatigue and all that, it is hard to deny our lives being improved by the changes in how we consume media. And yes, those online libraries do change over time, thanks to licensing agreements. You won’t be able to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix after 2025. No telling where it will wind up, but somebody will grab it for sure. It’s still all good, though. Even with all of my monthly fees, I am still saving money compared to how much I once spent on media.

As for technology in general, beyond how we consume media, we need not look very far to see all the disruptions that came along not just during our lives, but those before. In practically every case, jobs and workers were displaced. Do you pump your own gas (except in New Jersey!)? Pay your bills and do your banking online? Buy airline tickets, rent cars, and book hotels online? Check your own groceries? I’ll wait.

Sounds like a documentary waiting to be made, how all of these changes came along and…drumroll…here we still are. We adapted, just like the young women a century ago. We adapted, just like the farriers who shod horses before the advent of the car. We adapted, just like the former travel agents, bankers, and all the others. Yeah, I’d watch this. On Netflix, of course.

Dr “Stream Me Up” Gerlich

Audio Blog

[majeregaming232]

How to upload to your corsair gaming mouse

50 Best Gaming Web-sites To Check out In 2017

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Now is the day! I will be progressively releasing the names of the top rated ten gaming blogs of 2014. Hunting over this list, I am positively blown away. So lots of great posts this year! If you had been disappointed by the Ennies… if you consider that the real deep thinkers in gaming commentary do not get the consideration they deserve… effectively, folks, we are going to fix that.

Facebook Gaming has offered their developer API's so we can make streaming games to your favorite social media platform much more easy than ever ahead of. A gaming blog alongside your gaming channel can only increase your exposure if you do it correctly and high excellent content material. But Netflix subscriptions beat Blu-ray sales, and Spotify customers outnumber vinyl geeks. Games, as the less established and a lot more technologically demanding medium, are just taking a bit longer to make the jump. All the signs point to cloud gaming becoming the new normal - and there is anything to play for.

The Truth About ENTERTAINMENT In 3 Minutes

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Travel into a virtual world with a VR headset , exactly where all of your senses will be treated to a barrage of stimulus from numerous sources. With the Oculus Rift + Touch Virtual Reality Program , you'd have to prepare your self for far more intense gameplays, far more immersive action, and a completely new and exhilarating gaming gift encounter as the package currently comes with six VR games that will maintain your heart pumping through your chest. The Oculus Touch controllers are ingeniously made for optimum and unparalleled interaction with the many elements in the virtual world. You will need to have to meet specific technique specifications on your laptop or computer, although. This also tends to make a excellent gift for nerds in your life.

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Blogs listed really should be either primarily about board games, or consist of enough relevant content material to be thought of a 'gaming blog'. Tech Guided is a technology and gaming community web site that publishes articles on the most effective Pc, CPU, video game cards and other helpful gadget evaluations that is necessary for a smooth gaming expertise.

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[urlology]

How Netflix Reinvented HR

https://hbr.org/2014/01/how-netflix-reinvented-hr

by

Patty McCord

From the January–February 2014 Issue

Sheryl Sandberg has called it one of the most important documents ever to come out of Silicon Valley. It’s been viewed more than 5 million times on the web. But when Reed Hastings and I (along with some colleagues) wrote a PowerPoint deck explaining how we shaped the culture and motivated performance at Netflix, where Hastings is CEO and I was chief talent officer from 1998 to 2012, we had no idea it would go viral. We realized that some of the talent management ideas we’d pioneered, such as the concept that workers should be allowed to take whatever vacation time they feel is appropriate, had been seen as a little crazy (at least until other companies started adopting them). But we were surprised that an unadorned set of 127 slides—no music, no animation—would become so influential.

Netflix culture slide deck

People find the Netflix approach to talent and culture compelling for a few reasons. The most obvious one is that Netflix has been really successful: During 2013 alone its stock more than tripled, it won three Emmy awards, and its U.S. subscriber base grew to nearly 29 million. All that aside, the approach is compelling because it derives from common sense. In this article I’ll go beyond the bullet points to describe five ideas that have defined the way Netflix attracts, retains, and manages talent. But first I’ll share two conversations I had with early employees, both of which helped shape our overall philosophy.

Crafting a Culture of Excellence

The first took place in late 2001. Netflix had been growing quickly: We’d reached about 120 employees and had been planning an IPO. But after the dot-com bubble burst and the 9/11 attacks occurred, things changed. It became clear that we needed to put the IPO on hold and lay off a third of our employees. It was brutal. Then, a bit unexpectedly, DVD players became the hot gift that Christmas. By early 2002 our DVD-by-mail subscription business was growing like crazy. Suddenly we had far more work to do, with 30% fewer employees.

One day I was talking with one of our best engineers, an employee I’ll call John. Before the layoffs, he’d managed three engineers, but now he was a one-man department working very long hours. I told John I hoped to hire some help for him soon. His response surprised me. “There’s no rush—I’m happier now,” he said. It turned out that the engineers we’d laid off weren’t spectacular—they were merely adequate. John realized that he’d spent too much time riding herd on them and fixing their mistakes. “I’ve learned that I’d rather work by myself than with subpar performers,” he said. His words echo in my mind whenever I describe the most basic element of Netflix’s talent philosophy: The best thing you can do for employees—a perk better than foosball or free sushi—is hire only “A” players to work alongside them. Excellent colleagues trump everything else.

The second conversation took place in 2002, a few months after our IPO. Laura, our bookkeeper, was bright, hardworking, and creative. She’d been very important to our early growth, having devised a system for accurately tracking movie rentals so that we could pay the correct royalties. But now, as a public company, we needed CPAs and other fully credentialed, deeply experienced accounting professionals—and Laura had only an associate’s degree from a community college. Despite her work ethic, her track record, and the fact that we all really liked her, her skills were no longer adequate. Some of us talked about jury-rigging a new role for her, but we decided that wouldn’t be right.

So I sat down with Laura and explained the situation—and said that in light of her spectacular service, we would give her a spectacular severance package. I’d braced myself for tears or histrionics, but Laura reacted well: She was sad to be leaving but recognized that the generous severance would let her regroup, retrain, and find a new career path. This incident helped us create the other vital element of our talent management philosophy: If we wanted only “A” players on our team, we had to be willing to let go of people whose skills no longer fit, no matter how valuable their contributions had once been. Out of fairness to such people—and, frankly, to help us overcome our discomfort with discharging them—we learned to offer rich severance packages.

With these two overarching principles in mind, we shaped our approach to talent using the five tenets below.

Hire, Reward, and Tolerate Only Fully Formed Adults

Over the years we learned that if we asked people to rely on logic and common sense instead of on formal policies, most of the time we would get better results, and at lower cost. If you’re careful to hire people who will put the company’s interests first, who understand and support the desire for a high-performance workplace, 97% of your employees will do the right thing. Most companies spend endless time and money writing and enforcing HR policies to deal with problems the other 3% might cause. Instead, we tried really hard to not hire those people, and we let them go if it turned out we’d made a hiring mistake.

Adultlike behavior means talking openly about issues with your boss, your colleagues, and your subordinates. It means recognizing that even in companies with reams of HR policies, those policies are frequently skirted as managers and their reports work out what makes sense on a case-by-case basis.

Let me offer two examples.

When Netflix launched, we had a standard paid-time-off policy: People got 10 vacation days, 10 holidays, and a few sick days. We used an honor system—employees kept track of the days they took off and let their managers know when they’d be out. After we went public, our auditors freaked. They said Sarbanes-Oxley mandated that we account for time off. We considered instituting a formal tracking system. But then Reed asked, “Are companies required to give time off? If not, can’t we just handle it informally and skip the accounting rigmarole?” I did some research and found that, indeed, no California law governed vacation time.

So instead of shifting to a formal system, we went in the opposite direction: Salaried employees were told to take whatever time they felt was appropriate. Bosses and employees were asked to work it out with one another. (Hourly workers in call centers and warehouses were given a more structured policy.) We did provide some guidance. If you worked in accounting or finance, you shouldn’t plan to be out during the beginning or the end of a quarter, because those were busy times. If you wanted 30 days off in a row, you needed to meet with HR. Senior leaders were urged to take vacations and to let people know about them—they were role models for the policy. (Most were happy to comply.) Some people worried about whether the system would be inconsistent—whether some bosses would allow tons of time off while others would be stingy. In general, I worried more about fairness than consistency, because the reality is that in any organization, the highest-performing and most valuable employees get more leeway.

The company’s expense policy is five words long: “Act in Netflix’s best interests.”

We also departed from a formal travel and expense policy and decided to simply require adultlike behavior there, too. The company’s expense policy is five words long: “Act in Netflix’s best interests.” In talking that through with employees, we said we expected them to spend company money frugally, as if it were their own. Eliminating a formal policy and forgoing expense account police shifted responsibility to frontline managers, where it belongs. It also reduced costs: Many large companies still use travel agents (and pay their fees) to book trips, as a way to enforce travel policies. They could save money by letting employees book their own trips online. Like most Netflix managers, I had to have conversations periodically with employees who ate at lavish restaurants (meals that would have been fine for sales or recruiting, but not for eating alone or with a Netflix colleague). We kept an eye on our IT guys, who were prone to buying a lot of gadgets. But overall we found that expense accounts are another area where if you create a clear expectation of responsible behavior, most employees will comply.

Tell the Truth About Performance

Many years ago we eliminated formal reviews. We had held them for a while but came to realize they didn’t make sense—they were too ritualistic and too infrequent. So we asked managers and employees to have conversations about performance as an organic part of their work. In many functions—sales, engineering, product development—it’s fairly obvious how well people are doing. (As companies develop better analytics to measure performance, this becomes even truer.) Building a bureaucracy and elaborate rituals around measuring performance usually doesn’t improve it.

Traditional corporate performance reviews are driven largely by fear of litigation. The theory is that if you want to get rid of someone, you need a paper trail documenting a history of poor achievement. At many companies, low performers are placed on “Performance Improvement Plans.” I detest PIPs. I think they’re fundamentally dishonest: They never accomplish what their name implies.

One Netflix manager requested a PIP for a quality assurance engineer named Maria, who had been hired to help develop our streaming service. The technology was new, and it was evolving very quickly. Maria’s job was to find bugs. She was fast, intuitive, and hardworking. But in time we figured out how to automate the QA tests. Maria didn’t like automation and wasn’t particularly good at it. Her new boss (brought in to create a world-class automation tools team) told me he wanted to start a PIP with her.

I replied, “Why bother? We know how this will play out. You’ll write up objectives and deliverables for her to achieve, which she can’t, because she lacks the skills. Every Wednesday you’ll take time away from your real work to discuss (and document) her shortcomings. You won’t sleep on Tuesday nights, because you’ll know it will be an awful meeting, and the same will be true for her. After a few weeks there will be tears. This will go on for three months. The entire team will know. And at the end you’ll fire her. None of this will make any sense to her, because for five years she’s been consistently rewarded for being great at her job—a job that basically doesn’t exist anymore. Tell me again how Netflix benefits?

“Instead, let’s just tell the truth: Technology has changed, the company has changed, and Maria’s skills no longer apply. This won’t be a surprise to her: She’s been in the trenches, watching the work around her shift. Give her a great severance package—which, when she signs the documents, will dramatically reduce (if not eliminate) the chance of a lawsuit.” In my experience, people can handle anything as long as they’re told the truth—and this proved to be the case with Maria.

When we stopped doing formal performance reviews, we instituted informal 360-degree reviews. We kept them fairly simple: People were asked to identify things that colleagues should stop, start, or continue. In the beginning we used an anonymous software system, but over time we shifted to signed feedback, and many teams held their 360s face-to-face.

HR people can’t believe that a company the size of Netflix doesn’t hold annual reviews. “Are you making this up just to upset us?” they ask. I’m not. If you talk simply and honestly about performance on a regular basis, you can get good results—probably better ones than a company that grades everyone on a five-point scale.

Managers Own the Job of Creating Great Teams

Discussing the military’s performance during the Iraq War, Donald Rumsfeld, the former defense secretary, once famously said, “You go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.” When I talk to managers about creating great teams, I tell them to approach the process in exactly the opposite way.

In my consulting work, I ask managers to imagine a documentary about what their team is accomplishing six months from now. What specific results do they see? How is the work different from what the team is doing today? Next I ask them to think about the skills needed to make the images in the movie become reality. Nowhere in the early stages of the process do I advise them to think about the team they actually have. Only after they’ve done the work of envisioning the ideal outcome and the skill set necessary to achieve it should they analyze how well their existing team matches what they need.

If you’re in a fast-changing business environment, you’re probably looking at a lot of mismatches. In that case, you need to have honest conversations about letting some team members find a place where their skills are a better fit. You also need to recruit people with the right skills.

We faced the latter challenge at Netflix in a fairly dramatic way as we began to shift from DVDs by mail to a streaming service. We had to store massive volumes of files in the cloud and figure out how huge numbers of people could reliably access them. (By some estimates, up to a third of peak residential internet traffic in the U.S. comes from customers streaming Netflix movies.) So we needed to find people deeply experienced with cloud services who worked for companies that operate on a giant scale—companies like Amazon, eBay, Google, and Facebook, which aren’t the easiest places to hire someone away from.

Our compensation philosophy helped a lot. Most of its principles stem from ideals described earlier: Be honest, and treat people like adults. For instance, during my tenure Netflix didn’t pay performance bonuses, because we believed that they’re unnecessary if you hire the right people. If your employees are fully formed adults who put the company first, an annual bonus won’t make them work harder or smarter. We also believed in market-based pay and would tell employees that it was smart to interview with competitors when they had the chance, in order to get a good sense of the market rate for their talent. Many HR people dislike it when employees talk to recruiters, but I always told employees to take the call, ask how much, and send me the number—it’s valuable information.

In addition, we used equity compensation much differently from the way most companies do. Instead of larding stock options on top of a competitive salary, we let employees choose how much (if any) of their compensation would be in the form of equity. If employees wanted stock options, we reduced their salaries accordingly. We believed that they were sophisticated enough to understand the trade-offs, judge their personal tolerance for risk, and decide what was best for them and their families. We distributed options every month, at a slight discount from the market price. We had no vesting period—the options could be cashed in immediately. Most tech companies have a four-year vesting schedule and try to use options as “golden handcuffs” to aid retention, but we never thought that made sense. If you see a better opportunity elsewhere, you should be allowed to take what you’ve earned and leave. If you no longer want to work with us, we don’t want to hold you hostage.

We continually told managers that building a great team was their most important task. We didn’t measure them on whether they were excellent coaches or mentors or got their paperwork done on time. Great teams accomplish great work, and recruiting the right team was the top priority.

Leaders Own the Job of Creating the Company Culture

After I left Netflix and began consulting, I visited a hot start-up in San Francisco. It had 60 employees in an open loft-style office with a foosball table, two pool tables, and a kitchen, where a chef cooked lunch for the entire staff. As the CEO showed me around, he talked about creating a fun atmosphere. At one point I asked him what the most important value for his company was. He replied, “Efficiency.”

“OK,” I said. “Imagine that I work here, and it’s 2:58 PM. I’m playing an intense game of pool, and I’m winning. I estimate that I can finish the game in five minutes. We have a meeting at 3:00. Should I stay and win the game or cut it short for the meeting?”

“You should finish the game,” he insisted. I wasn’t surprised; like many tech start-ups, this was a casual place, where employees wore hoodies and brought pets to work, and that kind of casualness often extends to punctuality. “Wait a second,” I said. “You told me that efficiency is your most important cultural value. It’s not efficient to delay a meeting and keep coworkers waiting because of a pool game. Isn’t there a mismatch between the values you’re talking up and the behaviors you’re modeling and encouraging?”

When I advise leaders about molding a corporate culture, I tend to see three issues that need attention. This type of mismatch is one. It’s a particular problem at start-ups, where there’s a premium on casualness that can run counter to the high-performance ethos leaders want to create. I often sit in on company meetings to get a sense of how people operate. I frequently see CEOs who are clearly winging it. They lack a real agenda. They’re working from slides that were obviously put together an hour before or were recycled from the previous round of VC meetings. Workers notice these things, and if they see a leader who’s not fully prepared and who relies on charm, IQ, and improvisation, it affects how they perform, too. It’s a waste of time to articulate ideas about values and culture if you don’t model and reward behavior that aligns with those goals.

The second issue has to do with making sure employees understand the levers that drive the business. I recently visited a Texas start-up whose employees were mostly engineers in their twenties. “I bet half the people in this room have never read a P&L,” I said to the CFO. He replied, “It’s true—they’re not financially savvy or business savvy, and our biggest challenge is teaching them how the business works.” Even if you’ve hired people who want to perform well, you need to clearly communicate how the company makes money and what behaviors will drive its success. At Netflix, for instance, employees used to focus too heavily on subscriber growth, without much awareness that our expenses often ran ahead of it: We were spending huge amounts buying DVDs, setting up distribution centers, and ordering original programming, all before we’d collected a cent from our new subscribers. Our employees needed to learn that even though revenue was growing, managing expenses really mattered.

The third issue is something I call the split personality start-up. At tech companies this usually manifests itself as a schism between the engineers and the sales team, but it can take other forms. At Netflix, for instance, I sometimes had to remind people that there were big differences between the salaried professional staff at headquarters and the hourly workers in the call centers. At one point our finance team wanted to shift the whole company to direct-deposit paychecks, and I had to point out that some of our hourly workers didn’t have bank accounts. That’s a small example, but it speaks to a larger point: As leaders build a company culture, they need to be aware of subcultures that might require different management.

Good Talent Managers Think Like Businesspeople and Innovators First, and Like HR People Last

Throughout most of my career I’ve belonged to professional associations of human resources executives. Although I like the people in these groups personally, I often find myself disagreeing with them. Too many devote time to morale improvement initiatives. At some places entire teams focus on getting their firm onto lists of “Best Places to Work” (which, when you dig into the methodologies, are really based just on perks and benefits). At a recent conference I met someone from a company that had appointed a “chief happiness officer”—a concept that makes me slightly sick.

During 30 years in business I’ve never seen an HR initiative that improved morale. HR departments might throw parties and hand out T-shirts, but if the stock price is falling or the company’s products aren’t perceived as successful, the people at those parties will quietly complain—and they’ll use the T-shirts to wash their cars.

Instead of cheerleading, people in my profession should think of themselves as businesspeople. What’s good for the company? How do we communicate that to employees? How can we help every worker understand what we mean by high performance?

Here’s a simple test: If your company has a performance bonus plan, go up to a random employee and ask, “Do you know specifically what you should be doing right now to increase your bonus?” If he or she can’t answer, the HR team isn’t making things as clear as they need to be.

At Netflix I worked with colleagues who were changing the way people consume filmed entertainment, which is an incredibly innovative pursuit—yet when I started there, the expectation was that I would default to mimicking other companies’ best practices (many of them antiquated), which is how almost everyone seems to approach HR. I rejected those constraints. There’s no reason the HR team can’t be innovative too.

A version of this article appeared in the

January–February 2014

issue of Harvard Business Review.

[violetsystems]

#personal

I’ve been making coffee for myself for years.  I thought about it for awhile yesterday about what the allure is.  Consistency.  It’s that simple.  What you are doomed to wake up to every morning is your lot in life?  Being consigned to fate by the heavens to wait requires much thought, planning and consistency.  Especially when there isn’t much communication, goal posts or progress.  Life is always going to be that way.  And yet, I’ve found things that I rely on for emotional strength.  Music is one of those things.  Somewhere in the middle of the night somebody from Japan bought an EP.  Somewhere in my mind the abacus shifts to which checking account I need to transfer it all to.  The two things I’ve always been good at have been English and Math.  I’m the son of an accountant and a Russian linguistics major.  When you fully actualize your potential in your DNA it makes for a lonely experience.  Which is why we seek out beauty, art and culture.  About a year ago was the very last time I went to New York by myself on vacation to seek out such culture.  Being a person obsessed with being consistent in a chaotic world I chose a ritual.  I would get coffee at the World Trade Center looking out the window at the ruins of 9/11.  It is such a quiet, lonely experience that it comes back vividly sometimes with the right cup.  If you can match the right experience in present time.  I’ve always known how to make that coffee.  I’ve subscribed to that very coffee for years now.  I remember the day I decided to.  I was getting coffee at another store in the city.  The baristas were angry and not attentive.  They spent more time badmouthing all the other coffee roasters in the city than asking me what I wanted to drink.  I walked out of there thinking.  What was my favorite coffee?  Years later, I know that with consistency.  And within that magic of consistency comes growth.  Yesterday, during a quiet moment I noticed a different ratio on another roaster’s bag.  I had bought a swing bag because my subscription was delayed a week due to the holiday.  I drink my coffee black.  It’s something about the notes and the complexity of the taste.  Something that just tastes like coffee to some people is a whole different experience for me.  Mostly because it’s the only thing I can rely on to keep me going.  Just like in New York City.  A reliable hour of reflection over a taste that only changes fractionally.  A single origin tends to taste better for longer.  The other bag was a blend.  It tasted better with the heavier ratio I was used to but it was roasted back in November.  330ml of water, 23 grams of ground coffee, a hario cone filter, and three minutes of your time with a temperature sensitive gooseneck kettle at 96 c.  It’s a heavy cup.  It turns out to be around 11 ounces of coffee.  The new recipe calls for 8 ounces with 14 grams of ground coffee and 220 ml’s of water.  By the time you are finished with the cup, the coffee has climbed down to a reasonable room temperature.  The consistent taste brings you back to moments in time when you knew you could do better.  And that moment is every morning for me because I plan it that way.  There are enough fluctuations to let people know I’m frosty and still alive.  But for me it’s a cozy enough grind I hide in solace in.  Yesterday was the first day I decided to tweak the recipe.  This morning is the first day waking up to that contemplation as dumb as it sounds.  It remains something nobody questions about me.  A consistency and a matter of taste that people understand to be unmovable.  

I’m sure people have questioned my credibility for years at this point.  It gets annoying to think about.  Which is why these days I’ve shut most of the world out.  It’s been the perfect time to do such things.  I’m sure I come across as icy cool.  I don’t think any of it is forced.  Like making coffee, there are some choices I have made for my life that I build upon.  The last six months were torture.  I made it through by staying thoughtful and real.  I’ve always been that at the core.  How it executes in real life gets better with time.  I think you have to admit to yourself that you can do better.  Better is a sort of the moment thing for me.  I know one day it will all work out.  And yet it doesn’t.  People aren’t capable of reaching out.  People can’t understand why you’d waste your time doing the things you do.  Why coffee matters so much?  Nobody ever listened to me about anything when I talked.  So much so that I’ve been largely forgotten by my professional network of twenty years.  It is a weird realization.  It is also freeing.  A network that isn’t consistent in a life that is practically the definition is a sure sign I wasn’t in the right place.  So what is the right place for me?  Staying put.  Staying predictable.  Staying safe.  And in that situation, it’s largely just me making the coffee day after day.  I move money into the right accounts.  I pay attention to my investments.  I stay out of debt.  I stare at the wall and wonder if this loneliness is what the rest of my life would become.  And then I go out to shop in the neighborhood and nobody can leave me alone.  At some point you just roll with it all.  It’s a journey I guess.  The cost of the emotional weight is just the price of admission.  Everybody having an opinion about what you should be doing but won’t actually say it to your face.  The secret is everybody always has an opinion.  It might not be about you but if it applies it serves the purpose of the opinionated.  Most of the time what people are arguing about doesn’t really matter other than for the performance of it all.  And in America, people find their own value by fucking with others.  Self esteem is constantly negged.  The age old make you feel like shit so you can treat yourself.  It’s a constant predatory cycle of economics and it runs deeper than simple shopping habits.  It’s ingrained in the patriarchal mentality of the very fabric of society subconsciously at this point.  I read most of the jobs lost in December were held by women.  I lost mine back in July.  It was surreal to have to speak with my ex employer about the lapse in my health insurance.  But the job was done thoroughly by a woman I remember speaking with.  I had the law on my side.  The COBRA lasts as long as I pay it.  So  I’m good until next February if need be.  My self esteem is about the only thing I’m trying to salvage as well as my personal health and good dentistry.  It’s been a nightmare that I don’t show.  My dad constantly tells me he doesn’t envy me having to go through it alone.  My dad divorced and remarried a long time ago.  I don’t really go into it with him about the details.  But I never feel alone in all of this.  That’s been consistent for years.   A feeling that’s grown over time.  Sort of like the credible fact that I’ll survive how many ever scenes want to abandon me.  One bandcamp sale in my sleep at a time I guess.

I don’t think anybody grows up hating themselves.  Being alone runs the risk of falling into an echo chamber.  If you tune out everything it gets easier.  But many people don’t have the kind of life I have.  This isn’t to say I’m exactly privileged to be here.  You can ask around my hood and they have.  So much so that people just keep following me around fishing for reads on how I am feeling.  The easiest read is here.  Every week.  I’ve been consistent enough to keep in contact with the most genuine and thoughtful people.  I’ve felt emotionally satiated enough to focus on positives through a sea of negatives.  And I’ve largely had to coach myself out of oblivion.  Hurray for me.  That’s what America has been asking for right?  Men to stand up.  Enough of them invading the capitol building and stealing podiums.  We pay attention and edify the car wrecks in life to make ourselves look better.  But you cannot distract yourself from yourself.  And the ratio of bullshit you have to accept versus the remnants of your past you jettison to stay afloat is staggering.  Some people crumble.  Other people cut loose and survive.  For the record, I’ve hated myself for years because I was conditioned to think I wasn’t good enough.  To this day I still feel the worst kind of invisibility.  A feeling that no matter how hard I try I’m trapped and stuck.  And yet I live.  I’m free to do whatever it is the fuck I want with my day.  I’m free to make more music and have people from around the world buy it and have it taxed by the US government as income.  I’m free to book a flight back to New York in May at twenty five percent off and have coffee at the World Trade Center again to test my adjusted ratio.  I’m free to focus totally on friendships that are little more than a touch on the shoulder.  The same relationships I tried to explain to friends in real life that have long since abandoned me.  The touch is still there.  Consistent.  Graceful.  Confident and shy.  It connects in so many different invisible ways through a network of trust.  An organic block chain of human capital that offers no real value to the uninitiated.  A movement of people in a golden ratio that orbit each other in such a gossamer way.  That consistency is what I’ve grown to love about my life.  That the things I am are consistent and easily explainable.  That the real performance is that most people don’t care enough to listen.  And for years people here have cared enough to read.  How is it I can be so alone but feel so free and connected?  I’m connected to myself first and foremost.  And I take care of myself and stay credible because of all the beautiful things I am connected to that I will not betray.  A true magician never tells you how they performed the trick.  There’s no magic in making good coffee.  There’s also no magic in being a good person other than loving yourself and caring for others.  I’ve been that way for years.  And I love you all for supporting me in that adventure.  <3 Tim