#why did i do that go myself ugh
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I spent around 6h making friendship bracelets for the eras tour. My show is in less than a month, i haven't started my outfit (I'm glueing rhinestones to a skirt) I don't have a top, and i have 50+ bracelets more to make
Being a procrastinator is shit, but that's my own fault sooo🫠
#tina talks#the eras tour#my back and my ass hurt from sitting and leaning for so long#i literally cannot#why did i do that go myself ugh
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20 POSTERS FOR JUNGWON'S 20TH !!!
#enhypenet#kpopco#malegroupsnet#enhypen#jungwon#heetual#how did we get here.. again.. how did i convince myself to do this again.. look.. if i never make another poster at least you know why#tbf compared to sunoo's i'm feeling better creatively bc i gave myself a bit more time blah blah blah i changed my background colour just#for these and i'm kind of digging F3F0DD idk.. like maybe i'm a yellow background girl these days.. ik poster ten is grey and now im lookin#at it with resentful eyes but idk if i saved the psd or if i have the effort to change it.. it will bug me.. no. idc idc stop asking abt it#next year riki will turn 20 and i will isolate myself for the last time.... kind of sad honestly whatever idc#UGH and poster nine is also not yellow i think it's F1F1F1 which is my go to off white.. WHATEVER what do you think about passionfruit by#nmixx lmk and thanks for looking at my posters please enjoy and lmk your fave if u have one mine is 4 or 5 <333#also im sure the quality is awful sorry about it shrug emoji#z.enhypen#z.gfx#z.jungwon#happy jungwon day
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This is a personal post.
Well, I guess I have a bicycle now. Life is full of plot twists.
#random personal stuff#ugh now I'm going to have to learn to use it and I will regret that so much why did I do this to myself#it needs new tires and is very dusty thanks to this region never realizing that the Dust Bowl is over#but it's a nice sky blue color very cheerful
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i did it u_u
#actually rather pleased with my Bronze Age abstract#Advisor is going to demolish the Other one but that's okay because I at least did something so I got the practice and I can sleep now.#It's kind of funny I was writing the Bronze Age one and I can already feel the struggle of compressing a dissertation's worth#of information into 15 minutes. Like ffs I'm supposed to speedrun oil as an extraction reductant and also talk about Egypt's alum trade?#But this is My Fault. I have done this to myself.#Okay but I'm already bubbling with excitement to talk about Leather Tanning again. Nobody was here when I went on this massive#5 hour long rabbit hole of leather tanning research because... I think I was trying to find out if you could use mushroom collagen#to replicate leather? (The answer is yes.) But it took me down this road of Leather tanning because I was trying to understand the#ion exchange that makes it supple and TLDR there's this massive exploitative industry in the Middle East and Southeast Asia that uses#Cobalt salts because the Co 3+ sits really nicely in the collagen site and you can quickly dye and destroy most of the organics from the#animal itself; but because of that you've also destroyed the texture of the leather. I forget why Al 3+ isn't used. I think it's because it#weathers over time and the leather becomes stiff and hard again. Same with Fe3+. ANYWAY. Try and find thick leather when you#do buy leather because leather IS great and I will die(dye) on this hill. But it's the exploitative textile industry that causes problems.#Honestly I've forgotten 90% of the chemistry but it's so fucking cool and a really interesting peek into an organic affected by inorganics#rather than affecting an inorganic mineral with organics. UGH I love chemistry so much. It's so fucking cool.#ptxt#christ this might be my worst tag essay lol
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one of the major problems i find with online discourse about antagonistic characters and storylines sourcing from novels is that some people cant see past what is said to what is meant- and that other people can, but in their perception of the implied lore, make overdue assumptions of plot and character.
for example: in svsss, it is heavily implied that qiu jianluo s/a'ed the original shen qingqiu, thus shaping his outlook on society in general: females are safe, males are not. this leads to point against him in the form of his favouritism for ning yingying, the only (afaik) female qing jing disciple and his habit of finding comfort in brothels. this is misconstrued by the original protagonist in the novel pidw, leading to a false misconception held by our protagonist, shen yuan, that shen qingqiu is a lecherous paedophile.
as the reader, there are a number of context clues given to tell us how that is not the case-- mostly found in the extras-- and are meant to challenge the worldview, make us realize that like shen yuan, we as the audience only know as much as the author will tell us. did shen jiu hate luo binghe specifically because his name reminded him of qiu jianluo? was he jealous of the potential luo binghe had? or was he merely looking for a target to take his anger out on?
it is not mentioned, therefore we do not know, and should not make assumptions on the canon behaviour of this character towards someone else.
however, this is often not understood by the overall fandom: either they completely look past the context clues that tell us, this character is more than they seem and instead jump straight to demonization without first considering context and setting, or they overcompensate for someone by making excuses to justify behaviour we do not have explanations for.
this is the reason why we have people who constantly demean and bully others in fandom: they cannot read or think for themselves past what is clearly shown to them and refuse to challenge the idea that the author may be deliberately feeding unreliable information to make a more interesting story, and it doesnt help that there are people attempting to justify behaviour that is specifically written to be bad.
#last bit was a bit salty but i really am tired of seeing discourse on my fav little guys#some texts follow different standards than you think#i cant count the amt of times that zhou ying threatened to beat xi ping for insolence for tai sui but the moment any of that happens in sv#its all oh poor innocent bingy... he didnt deserve all that#like yeah. he didnt. but thats how it was at the time. sorry that pidw was written with modern values and thus sj is villainized#for being an ancient chinese teacher doing what he did#but thats... not his fault??#ugh. fandom morals make my head fucking hurt#thats why i dislike svsss fandom. every time i go into sj tag my head starts throbbing and i have to hold myself back#ran rambles#svsss#but also generally#fandom#fandom discourse#original shen qingqiu#shen jiu
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doppelgängers will have you having a life altering freakout in the bathroom of a pizza restaurant
#i need to stop 🛑 crying and get back to work immediately#he looked just like him. JUST like him#and my brain knows it couldn’t be him. he’s not getting out for ten years at least even if he makes parole#he’s probably going to die in there.#and my brain remembers the way our entire lives tilted backwards the day us kids found out why we could never see him again#but my body doesn’t know that. and i hate myself knowing that even with everything he did if i saw him today#i would just want to cry and run into his arms.because i miss him. God help me#God why did he do it. to my sweet mama. to my dear beautiful grandma. so many lives ruined for what. why did he do it to us#ugh what is the use of even writing all this. i’m deleting it after work#christ have mercy.
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the fuck did they do to pavitr again
Edge of Spider-Verse (2024) Issue #4
#WHAT IS THIS HAIR OMFG T-T#he looks like he got ELECTROCUTED#PLEASE YOU BROUGHT HIM BACK BUT YOU GAVE HIM. THAT HAIRDO?????#WHAT DID I DO. I SWEAR WHAT DID I DO WHAT HAPPENED TO MAKE ME DESERVE THIS#they are slowly changing his hair from black to brown........ why. genuinely skipped over him because i didn't think that was pavitr#also you've gotta be fucking kidding me that he's LITERALLY OUT OF FRAME. WHEN BITCHES LIKE “SPIDER-BOY” ARE FRONT AND CENTRE#MY BOY SHOULD BE IN THE MIDDLE. HE SHOULD NOT BE HANGING OFF THE PAGE. HE WAS THERE IN THE OG SPIDER-VERSE STORIES HE SHOULD BE IN THE SPO#HE SHOULD BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT !!!!!!!! FUCK !!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON#MARVEL WHEN I GET YOU I'M GONNA FUCKING GET YOU#i shou;d. i should be happy. over the fact that he is back again#but. ugh. uggghhhhh#my expectations are set too high like a certain bastard#when will i break myself free from this misery#pavitr prabhakar#spider man india#agnirambles#at this rate i have to physically manhandled the entire spidey editorial team. murder everyone. and write and draw shit myself#i will see if they improve him in the upcoming spider-verse stories. i will be the FIRST to read this#if they dumb my boy.... i'm going to murder and maim
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Comm for @hirokiyuu of their OCs Yuujin & Leona!
I AM SO SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME A MONTH!!!!! CRIES THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE!! And I'm sorry the draft i tried to send didn't work- I hope this is something like what you had in mind regardless. ^^;
EDIT I JUST REALIZED I LEFT OUT YUUJINS PIERCINGS..... i'll add those & modify the post in a bit 😅 dang it. sorry bout that
#i am about to go on a brief rant i apologize#I had to redraw this. three separate times. because the first program I did it in wouldn't export it at all (thankfully it was only a draft#but like wft right?) and then i had to do another draft & do the lines for the new one#and my dumb idiot ass ended up doing it in PHOTOSHOP for some reason. NEVER ANIMATE IN PHOTOSHOP IF YOU CAN HELP IT#i hate it. SO much. When i was doing my senior project a few years ago I told my advisors i was going to do it in flash. and i did.#but one of my senior project advisors was like 'you should do it in photoshop! it's better quality!'#and i had to restrain myself from being like 'i would literally rather die. you could shoot me and it would be preferable'#and i am remembering why I felt that way!!!!!!!! grits teeth#psa to all artists out there. dont. animate in photoshop. or if you do please let me know how you deal with no onionskin. ugh#anyway im sorry about that rant lol. im happy with how this came out and i hope you are too! ^^;#thank you again for commissioning me :) hope you have a lovely rest of your evening!#i am slowly. slowly chugging along again. i apologize once again for the wait on the comms
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Every day I am reminded that 90% of my problems would be solved if I actually listened to my intuition like ever
#my intuition: 'thats stupid. dont do that'#me: hm.. anyway ! :D#literally it does not register.. 😒#ok so what i did that was embarrassingly stupid.... ugh ok.. eh..#its like genuinely genuinely stupid ok like actually#ugh#ok so im making a new passport and i assumed that since the old one is old i didnt need it anymore#and so i cut out the cute little picture of myself for my travel journal and threw the rest of the passport away#meanwhile thinking: hmm. well this doesn't feel right but google said it was fine so i guess its fine. anyway look at that cute picture :D#and now i realise that the police need the old passport for when im taking out the new passport#so yes. embarrassingly stupid. there u go#i feel not great abt all this tbb. my brain has a tendency to overreact so now im convinced im not gonna be able to travel like i planned#plus im totally going to passport jail for idiots who cut up their own passport and throw them away#WHY LITERALLY WHY#i just wanted the cute little picture IM SORRY DONT TAKE ME TO JAIL 💔💔💔💔💔#no but actually i do feel very not great about this genuinely actually genuinely </3#the curse of scrapbooking i guess#is there a way i can tell the police im literally a neurodivergent (ex)minor ? and that this old passport thing is very offensive to me#anyhow.. yes its ok to laugh at my stupidity here but pls also remember im fragile 😢 💔 a poor little meow meow or something to that effect
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...
#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.
anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.
#it's pretty annoying because my mother-in-law of course asked me how applying for jobs is going. I haven't applied for a single one yet#bc dude I can barely get through the day. I sleep for 12-16 hours a day. and I'm almost always in some kind of pain. and I'm not doing so#good mentally either. come on! I interacted with a handful of people in one day and had to sleep for like 6 hours.#anyway so I said it's a bit difficult because I'm constantly tired - it felt like the only thing she might kind of understand?#annnd she said its probably a vitamin D deficiency and I should get that tested (I won't because I'd have to pay for that and also I think I#read that taking vitamin D supplements doesn't actually help? I can't remember now and I don't want to look it up bc I know it definitely is#not the only or even main reason I am always tired.#I took vitamin D tablets for several months last year (?) bc my previous GP recommended it and. it did absolutely nothing at all#plus. like. I can't sleep. I sleep like shit. always. so. idk? that definitely doesn't help#and I sleep more when I'm in pain and all that too. so.#and she knows I have a bunch of health issues but. nope it's vitamin D because that's one thing and it's simple and here take a pill you're#fine now! wait why aren't you fine now? oh I guess you're just lazy 🙄#< that's 100% how that would go#ugh. Just let me sleep for 5-10 years. maybe that'd fix me....#like. I'm trying to get myself back (?) to being an actual human person again. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm trying to#live and not feel like I'm drowning every fucking day#finding a job is only gonna add more stress and exhaustion and everything. if I want to try to help myself this is the time to do it#okay rant over I'm going to sleep now#personal
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i keep thinking i rly didnt go thru that much growing up, but idk, everytime i tell someone abt my life, they say i did and kinda just like sit in shock abt it. am i just internet brained or smth, or am i just dramatic?? i rly dont think ive earned a lot of the symtoms of someone who was traumatized that i have. or maybe i havent been in a safe place for long enough to process things??? i dunno. maybe someday far away in the future ill figure things out
#i let myself sit n accept that i did go thru smth.. maybe that i didnt totally remember or that i blurred out the details of n idk#i keep feeling like an imposter n like i shouldnt be feeling it. i didnt rly like how ive been acting#but like also i let a lot of stuff out of the box in my brain doing that n idk how 2 put it back or deal with it#so now i just feel like a half untangled mess with 0 stability bc in that 'growth n discovery' period i realized almost everyone in my life#wasnt someone i wanted 2 keep around#so now its rly just me n my bestie that r close n i keep everyone else at arms length#how tf did i get on rambling abt this omggg#ugh i am srsly such a mess n i cant find the root n i think thats whats freaking me out the most#i hate not being able 2 explain why im feeling a certain type of way or justify it in anyway#i just wanna feel okay n stable n be a fun person 2 be around again!!!!#i wanna be completely independent but like.... everything is so expensive n i have no interest in anything that would pay well#i wish my sw stuff would take off but i think im too messy 4 ppl 2 wanna stick around n also i dont think im super attractive unfortunately#I DUNNO#i dont have any answers atm n its freaking me out#i either wanna figure out how to be okay with not having answers or to get the answers and solve my problems#n i also dont wanna depend on other ppl 2 solve them for me#i just wanna be a whole.. well rounded person who can take care of themselves n do what i want#while also being a cute puppy thats rly rly rly fun 2 play with n is super helpful n supportive 2 the ppl it cares abt 🥰#i am so sick of these silly dumb messy fears n emotions that keep me stuck in boring ruts#i wanna go out n have my own fun n be my own person n stop being so scared of everything!!!!!#its okay if things go bad!!!! its just more stories 2 tell ppl!!!! ppl love my stories!!!! ugh i just needa put myself out there#i just needa find smth fun 2 do that keeps me around fun ppl#i just dont know what yet#concerts r fun but idk no one super interesting is touring here rn n i need smth more frequent#ok i think this ramble is ovr#im rly sry if ur reading this!!!! i love u vry much n hope ur having a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!
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"you're so thin and pretty, you're so lucky" no i'm not
"you have nice notes, i'm sure you do great in school, you're so lucky" no i'm not
"your parents are christians! they must have raised you well, you're so lucky" no i'm not
"you can draw well, you're so lucky!" no i'm not
"you can write too, you're so lucky!" no i'm not
#i am not fucking lucky.#do you think i got this body by just existing? pfft#dumbass#i starved myself for months#i cant eat properly anymore is that wbat lucky means#im so fucming bad at math too is that lucky?#i didnt get awards even if i did my best is that lucky?#im just average is that lucky?#i was raised christian and was abused for years and still am#is that lucky?#i was GROOMED#its the textbook definiton#and its still working i have so many thoughts of just. going back to church again#i can draw sure but im not the best and thats what i hage#its all i have why cant i be good at it#writing is easy and so many people can do it it doesnt fuckijg count#not when mine is so fuckign bad#ugh
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ugh idk why i’m still here
#vent#actually borderline#actually psychotic#actually schizospec#went to the hospital#got some meds switched#now i have to deal with outpatient appointments & scheduling & school starting soon#i should’ve just done it on sunday fuck me#why did i even go in?#whatever it helped some and i do feel better than i did last week#i do crave inpatient bc i love the structure and safety net#going from 24/7 monitoring in a hospital to living by myself in my apartment is jarring & idk if im capable of living on my own#idk if ill be able to do this#if i do go inpatient then im going to make them figure out school bc im set to graduate in may#ugh why didn’t i just do it on sunday
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Im tired ans hungry but i dont want to eat and I cant fall asleep but i dont wsnt to do anything else
#Im having this weied feeling right now#not quite. dissociating. but. its close#but i feel hyperaware at the same time#should i try again? i dont know. it didnt really go anywhere last time i did so#Why cant it just happen naturally#i hate myself for wanting it though. So i dont know what im doing#i feel sick#Ugh.
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Bad day. Horrible awful terrible bad day
#there’s not even a reason. nothing bad has actually happened#it just FUCKING SUCKS#I want to walk into a lake and never come back#I want to take my brain out of my skull and throw it at a wall and watch it splatter#I know today sucks because I’m so tense and upset that my back HURTS so fucking bad#cuz when this happens I tense up and my back muscles decide to coil around my spine and squeeze like a starving snake#it’s spreading through my shoulders and even to my chest which is a first#I just 😭😭😭 I want to go home except home also sucks cuz roommate#and I know he’ll be out in a few days but that feels like forever#and I’m so tired and I’m so upset and I want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide from the world#but I’m working a 7 day stretch at my job#and I have to transfer the power and internet to my name sometime before Wednesday#and I’m so sick of takeout the idea of eating it makes me want to vomit but I can’t physically bring myself to cook while they’re there#and I just. ugh. UGH#I’m so sick of existing#why does my life only allow me small handfuls of months at a time#where I’m not living in some form of disaster and stressed to all hell and back and just wanting to lay down and die#what did I do so wrong. what have I done to deserve all this shit#in my short terrible miserable fucking life#whatever I’ll just go home and stare at the wall#and then go to bed and come to work and come to work and come to work there’s always going to work#I’m going to fucking scream I hate my brain#why can’t it just regulate itself in a normal way cuz that’s the thing I know I’m being insane and nothing is actually this bad#but man if it doesn’t fucking feel that way#and being aware I’m being batshit really doesn’t make it better actually I think it makes it worse#kaz rambles
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