#why cant i be happy with what i have???? ughhhh
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Oooof it's taking all of my self control not to buy another sonic plush....
I have so many already.
#blabbing#i feel like it will cure my depression but no it wont#BUT HES SO DANG CUTE ITLL HELP#my issue is the build a bear super sonic.... cute.. abd then like three other plushies of him i have saved.#OH and then theres that tanuki from squishable#text post#i probably wont by anything#besides gifts for my friends#cos thats what i meed.to focus on#perhaps the packages of those will help me recieve the dopamine#issue being i desire them but i have too many#why cant i be happy with what i have???? ughhhh#also sorry ive been avoiding tumblr and Internet cos new dr who and i am... stalling watching it#dont want spoilers
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i really want kip to win the title if the chance for a title match happens but at the same time im not ready for the discredit, ridicule and mockery that will follow simply because now your international champion would be kip sabian
cant just fucking win with this one
#he would deserve it. wholeheartedly. but only like a fraction of people will agree#maybe thats why im so anxious about the potential of this. hmm#like i get it in the sense that following in ocs footsteps is a fucking task on its own. but people also simply just dont like kip#which baffles me but anyways#i mean. it would make me ridiculously happy. but i just dont know if i could deal with the aftermath#sigh. i mean does it matter. even if he would get that chance on saturday aint no way they will actually let him win#especially since oc already has a defense in revolution#and having a transitional champion in kip would do nobody any favors#idk. im overthinking and its making me sad. just like the fact that i cant watch these shows when they air and ugh#ughhhh#just give him his flowers what the fuck#wrestling musing
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tumblr is just gonna become my thought dump now that i can't use quotev to update everyone abt my interests and how i'm doing: and can i just say, i'm not doing well. i'm gonna throw a FIT actually. my doctor's appointment went pretty poorly, and i'm not really on the road to recovery at all, i'm still at the beginning basically.
crohns fucking sucks and i'm angry about it. it actively effects my daily life and i'm just sick and tired constantly. i want to feel better for once. i swear to fucking god, crohns is making my MDD worse. and to top it off, on these antibiotics i'm taking for my current crohns related inflammation problem, i can't take my antidepressants. so like, i can't even begin to manage my depression alongside managing my physical symptoms. and of course, the steroids they have me on to manage the physical symptoms? yeah that causes insomnia. which also worsens the depression. because i sit up all night thinking about any and everything when i should be sleeping. which in turn worsens my already existing daily fatigue that just comes with the territory of being disabled.
it is pure misery right now boys and there is no sun on the horizon. my doctor basically said there's nothing she can do to help me at the current moment because my insurance won't cover the tests i need, and i can't afford that shit out of pocket either, so it's just a waiting game. waiting until i get so bad i have to go back to the ER and they HAVE to take care of me out of necessity OR waiting for this new insurance to accept me and help me cover the tests. whichever comes first. sigh.
#im being a downer i know#happy ram will be back i promise#just let me be in my feels for a while ok?#i am just distraught#it feels like everytime something improves for me#it immediately takes five steps back#i moved and am happy!#oop suddenly crohns decides to murk me and put me in the hospital for a week :(#its so fucking stupid#i cant win man#“youre in remission!”#what a joke#my doctor kept praising me for being in remission#even though i told him multiple times it didnt feel like i was#bc i was still experiencing symptoms#especially fatigue and bowel symptoms#not to mention the severe joint pain#and yet he kept saying “no no youre getting better!” just bc there was no visible inflammation#make it make sense#i mean theres visible inflammation NOW#thats why i was in the hospital obviously#but they shouldve known my current meds werent fixing it#its just fucking lame idk#and this low fiber diet they have me following is fucking lame too#i know I KNOW i know i need it#im following it to a fucking T#but that doesnt make it easy or simple#i basically cant eat anything healthy or good for me#UGHHHH
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‼️ TBB SEASON FINALE SPOILERS ‼️
man
oh my GODDDDD im actually crying and screaming they did so good😭😭
i. just. wow. ok so.😭 FIRST so glad people were right about this being an hour long episode theres genuinely no way it could’ve been 25 mins. seeing omega already having escaped before anyone could reach her was awesome shes so skilled love her. AND ECHO AND EMERIE WORKING TOGETHER i love them they’ve both been brainwashed by the opposite side and seeing them fight for a better future for everyone else is so touching.
SO SURPRISED NO ONE DIES THANK GODDDD
ANYWAYS OMEGA RELEASED THE ZILLO BEAST WOOOOOO‼️‼️ ECHO SAYING THATS WHAT HE WOULDVE DONE!!! echo is literally her mom im crying😭 erm the really long ladder the kids had to climb up was a mgs3 reference guys☝️ ANYWAYS THE TORTURE SCENE HELLO 🙏🙏 i love men screaming 🫶
UGHHHH NALA SE I KNEW YOU WERE NEVER EVIL. she was so real for taking out rampart with her MAN FUCK RAMPART i kinda thought he changed lmao😭
GRRR OK SO THE FIGHG BETWEEN ECHO AND WRECKER VS THE TWO TROOPER LORRRRD, i was literally on the edge of my fucking seat the whole time i thought they were COOKED so many times. OH also crosshair loosing a hand OH MY GOD???
the bridge scene. GODDDDDD like i KNEW hemlock wasnt going to shoot omega but i was still so scared. AND CROSSHAIR MADE THE SHOT WOOOOO. scorch tho😭😭 so sad to see him go🙏 BUT THEY KILLED HEMLOCK HELL YEA‼️‼️ uhm also hunter with his hair wet⁉️⁉️
ANYWAYSSSS everyone made it home safe (well mot crosshairs’s hand but oh well, now him and echo match) nice to see clones looking sorta domestic and not in a war setting lmao. and like i get why echo is leaving but😒 MAMA ECHO PLEASE STOP LEAVING OH MY GOD JUST STAY ON SCREEN IM BEGGING YOU. reallllly hope we get some kinda show about him, rex, wolffe, and gregor and the whole clone rebellion thing PLEASE WHAT HAPPENED WITH WOLFFE⁉️
sobbbbb hunter, cross, wrecker, omega, and batcher just resting im tearing up. they literally just get to be family now im so happy
now the last few minutes…
I SCREAMEDDDD WE WERE SO RIGHT ABOUT THE TIMESKIP IM SOOOKK GRATEFUL tbh i did get nervous seeing the panover pabu but as SOON as i saw omega ik what was happening 😭😭 OLD MAN HUNTER IM SCREAMING HE LOOKS SO GOOD (he also looks strangely like blackbeard from ofmd lmao) he def has dad bod ill die on that hill😭 they both looks so happy and domestic i cant OMEGA GOING OFF TO FIGHT IN THE REBELLION I CANTTT shes def going to see hera again thats so sweet. ughhhh hunter worrying over her hes such a dad GOD. but anyways this moment was so sweet, been missing the hunter-omega relationship this season so this had me tearing up and shi😭
TECHS GOGGLES ON THE SHIP… i knew tech wasnt gonna come back, it would’ve taken away from his sacrifice but i would’ve loved to see him again. lowkey surprised we didn’t get a cx-2 reveal, people thought he was tech, cody, a clone specifically of crosshair, dogma, fucking slick. (real ones know cx-2 is actually fives hes not dead guys TRUST!!11!!1111!!11!!)
anyways god that was such a satisfying ending and im VERY pleased, crazy how this season had NO bad ep. incredibly sad this show is over tho. this show has been on my mind constantly for the past three years im so sad to see it go but im also see happy we got to see these characters lives play out in such a beautiful way. sorry for this being essay length i just had a LOT of thoughts about this ep.
for the last time, anywaysss. (also this is not proofread sorry for any grammatical errors lol) this ep was amazing and the team did WONDERFULLY!! good bye bad batch😢
#the bad batch#the bad batch finale#the bad batch spoilers#the bad batch season 3#the bad batch season 3 finale#the bad batch s3 ep15#tbb
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i squeaked so hard i scared my dad OMGOMGOMGOGMGOGMGOGMGMOMG GUYS ITS FINALLY HAPPENING SHE LOOKS SO COOL GRRRRRRR
cant wait for the next episode aaaaa
she looks so badass ughhhh but the thing is, even if it makes the scene super cool you gotta wonder "yeah i know shes a magical being, can barely be considered a human, but how does she know how to control such power easily?" i feel like im nitpicking cuz i mean elle-chan is literally a miracle child right? at least from what i remember. a child who does miracles and brings happiness and stuff but this? this isnt really a miracle its a person who really knows how to fight (sorta...) thats something you gotta learn...
uh idk idk shes super cool but i feel like she should have struggled more lmaooo or what would be very cool would be that maybe... elle-chan has always been a pretty cure but didnt know how to get back to her cure form before that episode? which makes her a REALLY old soul that put up fights before, which is the reason how she could 'fight' so well here maybe the fact that shes a reincarnation was already said before (probs did but i totally forgot lmaoo), but honestly i like the idea that she's the reincarnation of a precure and she still remembers how to fight smth like that or something that i'd like to see in future episodes would be her struggling to really control her powers. like we saw her throw immense energy at skearhead (i absolutely love him and his design) here, but maybe thats all she can really do. what if she learns to vary her attacks over the show? control how much energy to throw at her enemies? things like that. I dont want cure majesty to be a skilled fighter without any explanations why.
but anyways overall pretty good episode cant wait for cure majesty to officially join the gang! :D
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STAR TREK: DISCOVERY | S1E2 "Battle at the Binary Stars"
[I will react to each episode individually and in full, raw reception and then post as is unrevised here onto my tumblr for the full span of every and all NuTrek episodes and series that have been and will be released. If this falls under your field of interest - I welcome your company in joining me. Enjoy the ride.] -------
god this show looks so fucking juicy with all its colours and shapes and resolution … BURNHAM IS SAREK'S WARD??????? bro bro is she a sibling in upbringing with spock or something. everyons so fucking pretty ugh these sounds i really want this uniform LMAO THAT LOOK SARU GIVES BURNHAM AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA saru is so good looking UGHH THIS INTRO I CANT I CANTTTT LOOK AT IT ITS SO PRETTYYY i love the feeling DISCO gives me im so happy for star trek getting such a massive visual and all around production upgrade also i just realised since old-trek's Star Trek Enterprise series, we have been inching closer and closer to the one that started it all. Star Trek ENTERPRISE > DISCOVERY > STRANGE NEW WORLDS…
does this… mean we are…. just possibly……… heading into a reprisal of some kind of "Origins" production in the future non-AOS?
if so i know it will never be a replacement of what is irreplacable. but im actually EXCITED to see something like that. if even it were to be a bad project, it would still be such a tickling spectacle - an experience that reminds us of where we came from.
but also.. to see what came before to be such a modern topic to discuss and potentially (i fucking wish) revive the world with its gravity and vision - all eyes on Star Trek once again……… it would be so worth it. it would be. everything.
anyways back to the episode LMAO UGHHH look at the way all the united federation ships warp in among their brethren ughhhhh ughhhhhhh takes my breath awaayy i like klingon whats odd is it sounds so slow in this rendition man the amount of work it took to get this pronunciation right ughhhh everything looks so pretty in this literally movie quality for a TREK series
no but also one more thing - back to the idea about the future of modern trek, since the movie saga has fallen flat, if we head into a modern revival of TOS, featuring AOS cast as a different universe/mirrorverse or seomthing cameo in TV/STREAMING EPISODIC FORMAT would be just… JUST-
...
i am so curious as to how and why burnham and sarek are even existing together simultaneously ugh damn look at the damage on the ship the detail i love saru's eyes hearing this as the ship's computer voice is so odd to me because im so used to Majel's voice but hey its smooth what is happening also oh my god this mind meld scene is so pretty oh my god im so curious how Burnham and Spock's dynamic even IS THE FUCKKK?? what would that even BE??? i only know spock exists because that is one of the few spoilers ive seen of this show - i KNOW hes in DISCO. as well as pike but thats it. what purpose they serve and why? no idea. and how burnham becomes captain?? god im so curious iits so intersting to hear statements as familiar as "weapons disabled" being said in such a new setting. with such a new sound for somehting so classic. tractor beam WHO WHOS EUROPA? WHATS ON THAT SHIP WHOOO
the human and klingon transmission will never be in peace… until far into TOS's timeline.. man this is so INTERESTING. HEARING KLINGON TERRAN. I CANT LIE i miss their fabulous long locks of hair bro klingon ship is fucking knifing through this ship dude that is so hardcore but also devastating af oh my god this antimatter explosion looks so fucking pretty admiral is gone the chian of command shifts how does this go phillipa doenst become admiral does she? then burnham as captain i doubt its this easy nah its so weird to hear klingon so spaced t'kuvma is such a cool name ughhhh lok at all the WARPPPING SHIPSSSS hearing klingon accent is cool love how smart the ship is oh god burnham you MADLAD yo they goin hard the klingon attire is so victorian english inspired not too keen on that ahha ughhh saru is sooo NICE TO LOOK AT such nice features this ready room is very reminiscent of what is to become enterprise internal design i mean, of course. but i just cant help but hype over it all thats interesting, to have a human taught as vulcan. hmm a subtly different circumstance than that of spock. the visual aberration effect is working well in this series ahaha DISCO has a very…. odd feeling from since its first episode that continues into its second one - it doesnt feel super episodic at all? it feels all like a really long montage. the sets are so pretty whoa those armoured vests though? touch screen energising ughh the gold animation of the energising effect is lovely those klingons dropped so fast and easy from those phasers dude these are some of the sexiest phaser designs ive ever seen. the klingons are just dropping like nothing whoa burnham's yell when the klingon grabbed her was so not her XD it didnt sound like her oh wow we are actually seeing the short handheld klingon knife OH SHIT well i see that this is how phllipa is usurped by burnham.. BRO YOU JUST LEFT HER BODY THERE hmmm interesting the pacing of the first two episodes is very… fast
t'kuvma is dead already?? i think its this pale klingon that ive seen on the comic cover whoaaaa all these shuttle/escape pods leaving like baby toads off momma's back XD (if you know, you know.) its so montagey very consistently - i guess THIS is where we start the series as it is to be? i really like this chiaroscuro lighting hm. its over already huh idk if its me - but apart from the visually and audially beautiful presentation - it has an odd feeling to it i cant lie. i think it must be because of this 2-episode montage. i hope it is.
i guess ill find out.
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"castiel Novak. Someone wants to talk to you." A voice said from behind him suddenly there was a sweet smell tantalising his nostrils and mouth before it all went black.
his eyes slowly opened his head buzzing and eyelashes fluttering open and adjusting to the light in the room.
"what do you want dean?" Cass mumbled.
"you." He stated simply.
"come on, I broke up with you. I'm not yours to have."
"I know you still love me Cass. Just as I love you." Dean said.
" Fine." Cass said.
"so why not be with me?" Dean asked crouching in front of the chair Cass was sitting in.
"I cant, you're a mob boss dean I can't be with you. As much as I want to." Cass mumbled. Dean sighed slowly.
"and I cant make you." Dean smiled sadly.
"what?" Cass asked confusedly.
"hey, you clearly aren't paying attention here. I love you. I'm not gonna make you do anything you don't want to. You can go when you want, you aren't tied up or anything. I just want you to be happy. So go." Dean leaned down and kissed him on the forehead before walking away. Cass soon got up after he regained his composure. And walked out of the building only to feel a sharp pinch in his neck before passing out again.
Castiel's eyes opened blurrily darkness fading from the edges of his vision.
"Mr. Novak. Someone seems to care about you after all."
"ughhhh how is this not the first time you are kidnapping me Alistair. Hell, id say you care about me at this point." Castiel joked earning him a punch to the gut.
"and you were too smug everytime." He replied. "but perhaps not this time." He said. He hit Cass accross the face and then he felt a sharp pinch in his kneck, he moved his head back to look at Alistair shocked before it all seemed so fickle. The world felt so warm and blurry.
alistair laughed evilly at his fluttering eyelashes and his now unlevel breathing, his glassy eyes covering his blown pupils.
"there you go, just enough to keep you docile." He said tauntingly patting the side of his face like he was a child. Cass hardly reacted, barely lucid he didn't actually know what was going on.
"ah ha ha, perfect." Alistair mocked. He hit him a few more times to get the look he was going for for the video.
"Dean." Sam said walking into the room dean had been moping/drinking in for the last day.
"what is it Sammy. I'm not in the mood... just leave me al-" dean started.
"he took Cass." Sam cut him off. Dean immediately snapped into alert and protective. "he sent a video"
"show me." Dean said bluntly.
"you don't wanna see it." Sam promised.
"show Me."
"fine." Sam played the video on the tablet in his hand.
video~~
"hello there dean. I've missed our fun time together." Dean shivered at the memories of that hell he went through, and what they put others through. "but I'm not so bored without you now. Because now... I have him." He stepped aside revealing a bloodied and dazed Castiel. Dean visibly paled at the sight of him he took into account his glassy eyes and blown pupils.
"he's been drugged." Dean mumbled.
"now he's plenty fun but ultimately not what I want." He said turning around and hitting Cass once more. He looked to feel the sting but still dazed and unclear as to what caused it and seemingly didn't care.
"Cass." Dean whispered.
"now," Alistair continued. "we're keeping our friend here nice and docile so he's a nice captive," he said injecting Cass with a syringe full of a clear-ish liquid. "but my patience will run out. So here's what I want. Drop out of the game. Quit. Oh and dean? You know what I'm capable of and you know I don't bluff so believe me when I tell you that if you don't do this I will send him back to you in pieces. And I know you care about him so make the announcement and meet me on the old ally on 5th avenue by midnight Or don't. And I'll just carry on." He turned around picking up a knife and slashing it accross his arm, leg, chest, shoulder.
"turn it off." Dean spat. Sam did, angrily and disgusted.
"are you gonna do it?" Sam asked.
"of course I am. I was going to anyway. I love Cass and if he cant be with me because of all this," he gestured around. "then I have to stop this. I was going to anyway. And besides I never liked this anyway, it was the family business its just what I'm good at." Dean shrugged.
"ok. Well you're my brother so I just want you to be happy and I've always loved Cass for you." Sam smiled.
"well... I believe I have an announcement to make." Dean smiled.
~~time skip~~
"it's done." Dean said to Alistair who was standing in the alley.
"oh?" He inquired.
"yep. Of course, it doesn't matter compared to this." Dean said. "so where's Cass?"
"ill get him." Alistair said tauntingly. He walked away slowly to the back of the vehicle. It was a run down van with no plates and a rickety paint that was peeling off. Dean was incredibly nervous, he knew that now Alistair had no reason to keep Cass, he had complied with his demands, he had dropped out of the game. And yet there was still this niggling feeling at the pit of his stomach. Alistair returned dragging a bloodied and unconscious castiel by the leg. He dropped his foot letting it hit the floor with a thud. Dean darted over to him.
"Cass!" Dean shouted darting to his side. "what did you do to him?" Dean spat.
"wow, you really care about this one huh? I, uh... Accidentally, gave him a double dose." Dean patted his face gently to no avail, he lifted his eyelids revealing his pupils blown to saucers and rolled up to the top of his eyes.
"Cass? Cassy. C'mon Cass please." Dean whispered. Alistair walked away flauntingly fulfilled with what he had wanted. Dean decided he was not going to just win, he would get what he wanted, fine, but dean gets his own victory too, and besides, he hurt Cass. Dean raised his arms gun kn hand and pulled the trigger three times. Once in the head, once between his shoulders and once through his spine. He breathed heavily comforted in the fact that Cass' and his own was the only breathing he heard. He put the gun back in his belt and wrapped his arms around Cass, only then did he take note of blood all but drenching his clothes. 'the video' he thought, Alistair had cut him. He picked castiel up gently lowering him into his car and laying his head on his lap.
"its ok Cass, you're gonna be ok." He whispered to his unconscious passenger. When dean got to his house he essentially tore off Castiel's clothes revealing the wounds littering his skin. He pulled out his needle and began stitching the wounds shut, some still actively bleeding, others more sluggish in their pace of blood loss and some sealed almost entirely. Dean sanitised the wounds as he went unhappy with how unaffected Cass was from the pain dean had known first hand to at least make someone wince. After the stitches were complete he wiped the blood off castiel with a warm, wet towel he ensured to soft so as to not further agitate his wounds. When all was complete he changed Cass into some of his pajamas knowing them to be far too big for Cass but also knowing that wad the comfort he would be looking for after being constrained so long. After hours of watching over Cass dean reluctantly fell asleep, arms wrapped around him protectively.
the next morning Cass awoke sluggishly. His eyes opened slowly and he adjusted to the light after a great deal of coazing. Je felt arms wrapped around himself and looked up to the face of their owner. Dean. He smiled reflexively at the sight of the man. He moved to snuggle into him but was taken aback by the shocking pain all over his skin and in his head. At some point he must have yelped or cried out in pain as suddenly dean was awake also and asking him if he was ok. Cass looked at him and nodded gently.
"what- what happened?" He stuttered.
"Alistair. He took you again. I- I'm so sorry Cass. I'm sorry this is all my fault. He hurt you, and he drugged you and I'm so sorry." Dean cried quietly.
Cass put hands on either side of his face wiping his tears away with his thumbs ignoring the pain it caused the gash in his forearm. "hey, its not your fault. That man is a psychopath sadist. I'm here, I'm ok. Sore in places and really confused but I'm fine."
"he's a dead psychopath. I made sure of that." Dean said.
"so again, what happened? From the beginning." Cass specified.
"you remember when we spoke?" Cass nodded. "well Alistair took you after then and he kept you drugged, said he wanted you docile." Cass shuddered at the thought of that man anywhere near him. Let alone when he couldn't fight back, dean seemed to notice and took one of his hands in his own. "he sent me a randsome video of himself torchiring you and said I had to quit and id get you back, or not and he'd... Kill you."
"and... Well, what did you do?" Cass asked.
"are you kidding me Cass? I quit! I was going to anyway, the second you said you couldn't be with me because of my job. I quit the earliest second I could to get you back." Dean rambled.
"I love you." Cass cut him off. "so much, I love you." He repeated. Dean pushed his lips against Castiel's.
"I love you too. With everything I have." He held Cass tight his arms surrounding him tightly. He realised eventually that Cass was asleep in his arms, his fave leaning of deans shoulder.
"its ok Cass, you've been through alot, I've got you." Dean whispered. "rest." He smiled. And he knew then that they would be ok. Come hell or high water, they would be ok.
A/N. So… I honestly have no words.
I have no idea what provoked this idea in me but hey, here we are. So I hope you had fun<3
#destiel#spn#supernatural#team free will#dean#cass#casdean#deancas#sam winchester#suptober#suptober2022#cassie#castiel winchester#dean winchester#sam#worried dean#drugged cass#castiel whump#whump#hurt comfort#torture#Castiel torture#alistaire#kidnapped castiel#Castiel kidnapped#0#kidnapping#m#murder#minor charecter death
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gngjngnjfkndnkdkd sorry to all my followers i just. i have literally fucking nowhere to put this and nobody to talk to about it since its really fucking late so.
really long vent warning below the cut sorry
ughhhh im fucking. im so mad at myself. i just. i cant keep doing this i cant keep fucking up and losing everyone i care about because i cant keep my stupid mouth shut
its always some misunderstanding or some shit where ive already apologized and i dont get why its still happening or why i had to be the center of negative attention all of a sudden
ive already lost every friend i had twice. i cant. i cant take this again. one small disagreement and i cant fucking take it i cant talk to anyone anymore theyre all gonna hate me because i had to walk away unnanounced and shut the fuck up so i could just calm down
i cant be less than perfect. i cant mess up. because when i do everyone leaves me. i dont feel safe anymore. i didnt respond when someone was mad because i was on the verge of a fucking breakdown and it just made everything worse
its a trauma response i know its trauma i know i have that and it fucks with my brain daily one disagreement over something as small as character designs shouldnt fuck me up so bad ive been holding in a full mental breakdown for hours now fucking hours
they all hate me now i know they do. i may as well just leave before it all comes crashing down for real. if im gonna lose absolutely everyone all over again for a third time in a row it might as well be on my own terms.
why cant i just be perfect why do i have to make mistakes why does nobody take sorry and leave it why does everyone have to make everything so much worse than it had to be why has this happened to me three times three fucking times right when i feel comfortable and safe and happy everything gets wrenched from my hands all over again
i can barely even see what im typing theres too many tears in my eyes i hate myself so much i hate that this happens to me why is this happening to me why does this have to happen to me why cant i just finally be happy for once
im sorry to anyone who sat through and read that. i know nobody did but. im sorry anyway. i dont want to burden anyone more than i have already. thats why i put this all in a fucking tumblr post. i just cant tell anyone any of this without being a horrible burden.
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Monday, July 17
You know I came into work thinking like oh I can eat tuna today because we're not gonna have sex anymore, I've said this so many times before and its a very common thing for me to say so what's gonna make it different now?
Anyways I lost my head throughout the day because I offered head but he wanted sex.
I went to the meeting hoping he would too but that was dumb because he was already in his car 20 MINUTES WASTED GONE. I wanted to pretend like I got a phone call unfortunately I couldn't do it so I asked mash to call but she didn't and I didn't have the balls to just leave. (Now that I think about it I should've just went to the bathroom)
Boom. I'm in his car we drove a bit because I was confused then WE HAD SEX IN A PARKING LOT
Ohhhh ohhhh his voice his body. Earlier he said he wanted to use a condom but I waited to ask why (I thought it was because he had sex with someone else) he said no more plan b's its not healthy. PFFT I knew that I was getting worried that the girls he had sex with before were retard because of things he said. [Getting pregnant off precum, wearing panties to sleep, taking an plan b right after I already took one] his so experienced. physically at least. And I'm realizing I don't explain myself of things I really should its making me look dumb! Anyway we had a wonderful time! Sweaty gazing in each other eyes (sometimes >w>) I noticed he there was something wrong he didn't tell me until later. His answers at the time felt like an lie or an white lie but here's some things to note
ꕤ he doesn't like licking! Or biting?
ꕤthe THOUGHT of being caught
ꕤ pretty forgetful
There was something else but I forgot
But anyways I clipped my yellow star hairpin on him I shouldn't have said anything! But I wanted him to react to it in text! Later! But he found out before we left. it was a cute reaction and he clipped it back on. (I wonder for how long)
A bit later Oreo Lemons calls me over asking if I like soul since he "always" see us together and oooo I hate how I make it obvious.. and his little friend THAT CANT WORK FOR SHIT pointed out my hicky I didn't even FUCKING KNOW I HAD AHHHHHHH I was so scared because at first he asked if it was a bug bite and I immediately thought of soul. AHAHAHAHAHAHSHS I was sooo very happy about it until I had a flood of thoughts.
. All those girls he knows here are gonna see it as well and hate me even more!!
. did he just brand me!? Knowing him it's probably not BUT HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT IT WOULD HAVE DONE
. did anyone else see!? AHHHH
. what does this mean? He wants more of me? I mean he just suddenly asked for sex without acknowledging the last time we said it would be the last time.
. because of that ^ it was supposed to be like an see you soon, till we're ready kind of see you. But nooooo for what!?
. am I gonna get in trouble for this?!
Sigh. I ran away from that as fast as I could. The word is getting out faster than I would like...wait I didn't want it to get out at all! ♡‧₊˚(๑﹏๑) ♡‧₊˚ ughhhh I'm focusing so much on this and not my club duties!
I try getting back to work but then my new coworker comes up to me. They finally ask for help but! I couldn't find the item myself so instead I offered to find it for him then tell him where it was later. He was gone but came back later. I was happy he didn't just walk off! He came to me and ask me about more items and I was so excited to be helping but then he said the oh too common sentence
"Hey I got a question for you"
(OH NO PLEASE BE ABOUT WORK) hm?
Do you have a sibling?
(I heard him but I didn't understand and he thought he needed to ask again, well really I was going through my mind about past conversations about people looking like me. Then he said friend) oh yeah I have a friend!! There name is sta-
No no I mean do you have a brother
Huh? No? Why?
Well I just always see you with that boy
(AHHHHHHH ITS HAPPENING ALREADY IT HAS EVEN BEEN AN HOUR OR 30 MINUTES WHYYYYY) OH!no no he's my friend
Oh, also what's that on your neck
(AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I SAW IT I SAW IT YOUR MOTIVES!! I KNEW IT YOU DIDNT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR JOB YOU JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF I WAS SINGLE) ໒꒰ྀི ꩜ ᯅ ꩜; ꒱ྀི১ (UGH my words failed me THEN I KEPT STUTTERING AND LOOKS AROUND)
Is that an Hickey?
( I fucking oh my fucking, I fucking freezed and just nobbed)
Then he kept asking question I couldn't remember but it was about the hickey so I just left. Sigh. That was. A . lot. Then soul cute obvious ass-
UGHHHHH AHHHHAHAHAHSHSHSHS
Breathe breathe.
Ugg. How can people be so casual about this!? TT
Then he asked when we would be moving in.
I'm was so surprised at his interest. At the end of the day boys open up to you once you have sex so that's not surprising but with soul? Come on dudeee..I thought you were the point. Later though I think two more people pointed it out. I just know they're gonna link us together and when that happens what will happen!? Is soul gonna keep being an hoe!? Are people gonna treat us differently? Oh gosh. This is a lot for me..
I'm okay though.
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bro kagepro was my gateway into EVERYTHING - imagination forest was my first(?) obsession, but kagerou daze is what caught my attention initially--i loved the fan mv!!!! wannan really blew it out of the park, and shidou is also my animation/mv stan !!! love them so much !!!
also idk if u play puroseka (rhythm game), but im lowkey addicted (highkey, my rank be 100+ help) and THEY HAVE YOBANASHI DECEIVE IN THERE WITH THE GREATEST VOCALS UGHHHHH PLS LISTEN I SWEAR IT WONT DISAPPOINT.......!!!!!! and they also have children record !!! and if i remember correctly jin (bro i cant explain hes a literal MENACE HOW IS HE SO GOOD AT SONGWRITING UGHHHH) also wrote a song for that game thru commission so !!! !
oh btw, i love pretty much all of jin's kagepro songs, but lemme list a few of my favs not necessarily in order: outerscience, yuukei yesterday, imagination forest, ayanos theory of happiness, summertime record (if i had to choose my fav...), headphone actor, yobanashi deceive, transparent answer,,,,,,,,ok basically im listening everything so lemme stop;;
BUT U HAVE NO IDEA I SCREAMED WHEN I SAW THE TITLE BUT I WAS SICK SO I THOUGHT IT WAS A FEVER DREAM I HAD BUT NOOOOOO OMG IM SO HAPPY YOU KNOW KAGEPROOOOO <3333
my first gatcha/rhythm game was love live and i was genuinely so addicted to it that my mom would take my phone from 9pm to the morning because she'd catch me playing until like 1am. anyway i have an addictive personality which is why i refuse to fall into the genshin rabbit hole. nobody would be safe from me.
#OUTERSCIENCE>>>>>>#also omg yeah i forgot about transparent answer#honestly all the songs go soooooo hard#jin put his pussy into writing the kagepro songs there is literally not a single miss on any of the albums#eruru-ru
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TOH REACTION
so first thing first: i misspell a lot. i also swear a lot, if that bothers you, sorry
i havent watched the last two eps of toh so heres me doing it. i’ll compile it all in one post so i wont have to tag 300+ posts, i also use caps a lot.
anyway, let’s go! QUICK DETAIL I ACCIDENTALLY REFER TO COLLECTOR AS HIM HERE I DIDNT NOTICE HE WAS THEY THEM I'LL CORRECT IT AS SOON AS POSIBLE
FOR THE FUTURE! here we go
collector’s happiness overlaid with everyone else’s suffering is so…funny??? idk also ‘it’s like the whole world is singing’ is a cool phrase if it weren’t for the context XD
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aunt lily to the rescue!!
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LILY NO
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‘now, what part do i get to play’ horrific scene i want more
also: this is why you don’t give children godly powers. it ends badly!
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oddly beautiful if not for the corpses
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i want that as my wallpaper
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EDA’S REQUIEM!!!!!!
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you know things are bad when the logo/intro changes
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‘it’s not like he’ll inexplicably appear if you say his name!!’ hunter have you ever read a fairytale? a myth? the bible??? names have power.
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oh yeah never mess with a latina mama.
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it’s cute seeing the kids miss their home
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through the face??? count me in!!
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luz is smitten
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noooooo luz :((((( you’re happier sharing both realms everyone can see it
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anyone know what these are??
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ah. the bastard is here.
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CALEB???
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nooo gus youre making me cryy
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‘i’m fine, really’ said every character who is not fine in the story of ever
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the soundtrack in eda’s room scene!!!! i need it!!!!
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amity’s palisman being a cat fits so well bc cats choose where they go. you cant control them the way you might a dog or a bird, which fits well with the idea of choosing your own path.
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camila is taking everything so well!! my mom wouldnt last two seconds in the boiling isles. neither would i ofc.
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is this an animation error or….??
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some graffiti messages i managed to read:
-(do not) celebrate the day of unity! :(
- boo belos
-hide ur kids
-run
-they’ll find you!!
-hide
-nope, no, go away
-closed forever
-help
-run
and general sun and moon symbols
-beware the collector
-amelia, cat! (general stuff i cant make out) (infinity train???)
-where is the titan now?
-belos lied
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these are cute
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wow that’s creepy
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i know it’s supposed to be creepy about the collector playing pretend while everyone suffers but- i can’t. the secondhand embarrassment is too much for me.
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light glyph go??????
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collectors ‘cool aunt vibe who pretends to be coldhearted but actually cares a lot’ vs luz’s ‘bad but sad boy’
parallels? ey?
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hmmm yeah that was creepy
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‘little space cherub’ XDD
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love how we go from funny new hexside to (ughhhh) belos.
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hmm i would love to analyze the composition of this glyph
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all the bastard adults trying to take advantage of the collector ughhhhhh
also love the space palace
plus: ‘what do mortals eat again? rocks? fire? gravity?’, unfortunately, collector, we are not stars
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of course the book is made of rocks. of course.
also king seems…practiced, on reading the book. you gotta wonder how much he knows now about collectors
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cool how collector is both evil and, yk, a child. bc children are not always innocent. they can be some of the cruelest creatures on the universe (i would know)
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one has got to wonder about the history told in those walls, meaning i will wonder and theorize. bc that’s what i do.
ok it seems like collector was…surrounded by titans. baby titans, and then a group of older collectors took him in, seeing as theyre smiling and reaching out a hand, instead of banishing him away. they dont look friendly, but it might just be the portrait.
although those first two portraits reveal themselves, at the very end there’s something else
unfortunately i have no idea what it is. i dont think the repetition is an animation error or shortcut. if it were, why only repeat two times and change at the very end, where it is unlikely to be noticed??
again, portraits repeat, except for a star in the middle.
......i wanna theorize on this. maybe on another post.
collectors doing something to a planet and our collector watching, wanting to join in, but probably rejected (the whole portrait section had a lot of images but it surpassed tumblrs limit so i deleted them, more on another post, maybe
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poor raine tho. what’s up with them and people trying to mindcontrol them????
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poor hooty
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what’s this, rapunzel?? a tear saves the guy???
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poor willow tho
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‘’im gonna assume those are clean’ ma’am cleanness is the last thing you need to worry about now
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that’s two simultaneous mindcontrollings! raine is on a roll!!
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“trouble with your team, captain half-a-witch? leading isnt easy is it? all your time is spent helping the team, keeping people from fighting, planning your next move, and titan forbid you show any weakness! everyone else falls apart.
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fucking kikimora
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cuando no tienes la chancla, un bate sirve
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boscha is….ugh. i’m conflicted. i get it but also.she annoys me.
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everything is under control when everything is not undercontrol my favorite trope
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poor (????) collector. i know he’s not good but….idk, i feel for him
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ITSHATCHINGITSHATCHINGHATCHIHATCHINGAAAAAAAAA
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poor willowwwwww poor kids everyone needs therapy here
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“luz has a staff, why does that make me nervous?” considering the first impression you got of it……
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SNAKESHIFTER YESSSSSS ALSO SNAKE PALISMAN FOR LUZ WE WINNIN
i could write poems about how it fits her but just- look. it fits.
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END CREDITS WHERE AWESOME!!!! Love the snapshots of the things that werent fully explained!! kikimora manipulating boscha during the attack, king being sad at losing eda and lilith and the collector…..emphathizing?? of a sort??? anyway yeah
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AHHHHHH MAAAAAA GOOOOSH SOOO MANNNYYYYYY FEELS
"He nodded, pressing his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. “I know…I know. I know you’re angry. And though I am defensive to all, I understand why you’re angry, but conventional life isn’t suited for an unconventional family, Evelyn. You need to understand that.” He paused, opening his eyes on an exhale. His hand moved gently from her cheek to under her chin, making her look at him. “I did my best with what I had. All I ever wanted was for us to be happy, and perhaps, in some ways I’ve failed you in that regard. But in the great big picture, look at what we have. Everyone wanted for everything, and I got it.”
THIS THIS THIS UGHHHH. This scene right here is probably the most toxic manipulative move ever. Literal blood boiling. He pulls her close and gives her an intimate gesture meant to placate her. Then he gives a sh**ty excuse for all the things he's done by appealing to her emotional nature. He's basically saying "woe is me, I am your father and I have done everything for you, be grateful"
But this isn't how things work. it isn't normal and it's wrong to do to Evie. he consistently distorts her emotional and mental perspective by pulling on her heart and forcing her to quiet the sadness and frustration in her. Its a constant battle and its sooo rough and sad 😭😭😭😭
And then Mr. Nelson comes in and adds more trauma and salt into her already bleeding wound. Evie literally cannot catch a break with all the people around her either relying heavily on her or abusing and using her for their needs. My heart breaks for her and while I am glad Thomas saved her from her mother and that other man, he didn't exactly bring her into a better environment.
She's gonna need some heavy therapy and years to recover 😣😭😭😭
Overall, this was wonderfully done. The raw emotions you captured were pure perfection 👏👏👏👏. I really enjoyed this and cant wait to read more!❤️
I'm Not Your Wife, I'm Your Daughter Part II-A Tommy Shelby x daughter!OC Angst FT. Jack Nelson
Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Daughter!OC Feat. Jack Nelson
Warning: MDNI. 18+. Mention of murder, death, mention of child abuse, sex abuse, prostitution, emotional abuse, mental abuse.
Word Count: 3,518
Summary: After Evelyn attempts to leave the hospital to go home, one of her father's enemies decides to have a little chat with her. He proposes quite an awful deal in order to build his assets.
Please, if you read it and enjoy it, leave a comment and reblog. It would be so kind of you. I also respond to all comments. It is the best way to build community.
*I am sorry if I got Jack's character wrong. It is my first time writing him.
To her dismay, he was amused, taking slow steps back to her. Tilting his head in morbid curiosity, “and how would you do that? Chop her head off, I mean.” Evie coward in his presence. A short man, but he knew how to make an appearance. He loomed over her, hand resuming his position on her flushed, hot cheek. “Hm? There’s many methods of decapitating heads, but I don’t think my good girl is familiar with many of them-”
“You’re be fucking cynical-”
“Language,” he scolded, but tone even. Low and calm. He was the worst when calm. Though never striking her with his hand, he often had a way of punishing her with his words. The twenty-four year old woman felt small. Once again, pressed against the wooden door frame. The smell of death from the corridor seeping up her nose. His hand cupped her cheek, massaging it. “I’ve taught you better than that, love.”
Despite it all, she leaned into his affection, sighing at how easy it was for her to give into him. “I’m tired. I’m tired of it all, Daddy, and I don’t know how much longer I can be strong for everyone.”
He nodded, pressing his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. “I know…I know. I know you’re angry. And though I am defensive to all, I understand why you’re angry, but conventional life isn’t suited for an unconventional family, Evelyn. You need to understand that.” He paused, opening his eyes on an exhale. His hand moved gently from her cheek to under her chin, making her look at him. “I did my best with what I had. All I ever wanted was for us to be happy, and perhaps, in some ways I’ve failed you in that regard. But in the great big picture, look at what we have. Everyone wanted for everything, and I got it.”
“I didn’t want everything,” she said, fluttering her eyes open. It was all too much. Being there with Ruby’s dead body just down the corridor. He should have found Lizzie by that moment. Hold her, comfort her, wipe her tears. But there he stood, more upset and scared about losing Evelyn. It made her sick, a bit. That pressure and emotional burden of being her father’s favorite everything. “You should go find her…she needs you, daddy.”
His response was merely a hum. “Hm.” Evelyn couldn’t make it out. Was it an agreement? Or dismissal?
She pressed further. “I’ll miss her-”
“Yeah,” he said, offhandedly, still soaking up his daughter’s presence. “Yeah, me too.” Tommy wrapped his arms around her, feeling a bit of him fall apart when she hesitated. Flashbacks of her running in his arms warmed his heart. The only nostalgia he could hold onto. After a moment, he whispered in thought, “after it’s all done, we’ll leave.”
Evelyn nodded, pulling away, rubbing her eyes in sleep. It was nearly three in the morning at that point. Her father and her shared a very distorted idea of what healthy sleep was, among other things. “Well, you need to find Lizzie first and-”
“No,” he said, stopping her. “When we bury….” Tommy had to stop himself and think about what he was about to say, not truly believing his words. He’d hope that no one mistook his actions because he loved his youngest as he did his second. Just not nowhere near his first. He looked over at Evelyn. It was the only right thing to do. Leave. “When we bury Ruby, you and I will leave-”
“Daddy,” she groaned, closing her eyes in frustration. Had he not listened to anything she said? I’m not your fucking wife! She took a belly deep sigh, holding it as she rubbed her temples. On the exhale, she looked at him. “And leave where? You still have a wife…a son-”
“The ties are broken,” he said. “After this, there’s nothing left holding any of us together, but you and I…we can still be held together.” He reached for her delicate hand, studying the chipped manicure. “We’ll go on the caravan-”
She pulled her hand away, scoffing. “Daddy, I don’t want to go on the caravan! Don’t you understand? Any of it? I’m twenty-four years old-”
“But you love the caravan,” he argued, still seeing the little girl under it all.
“When I was eight, daddy, and everything was new,” she explained. “And when Finn was there and John and Aunty. When we’d play in the fields and looked at the stars, that’s when I liked the caravan.” Evelyn shook her head. “Daddy, what are you and I going to do in the caravan, huh? I’m twenty-four years old. I can’t possibly live with my father in a caravan!”
“But it’d be good-”
“For you?” she asked, knitting her brows. “For me? Where will I sleep? For you? I can’t give you everything you need. It isn’t normal.” Part of him knew she was right, but the other half argued. She could give him everything he needed emotionally. They already were so close all the time, that he hadn’t thought anything wrong with sleeping on the wooden floor next to the one hay filled bed. Partially because he wanted to convince himself it was alright.
He gave a nod of understanding. “Right, well,” he sighed, massaging his forehead. “Why don’t you go home and when it’s all done, we’ll talk everything over.” She nodded and he opened his arms. “C’mere, love.” Evelyn looked at his widened arms and offered a small smile before walking over, sinking into his body. Tommy held her so tight, hands rubbing her back affectionately. “I don’t believe in God, really, but if I did….” He pulled away, cupping her face with both hands, smiling softly. “I would ask him what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful little girl.” He leaned in and gave her a kiss on the nose. “Out of everything in my life, you were the only good decision.”
She smiled and nodded, pulling away as she straightened her bag. “I’ll meet Isaiah out front. “ When she turned, Lizzie was standing there. Her whole being was pale as a ghost. It seemed as though she cried a lifetime and couldn’t spare another second to it. Evelyn was better at words than most Shelbys. “I’m going home, I’ll prepare home for the wake.” For you don’t have to, was her reasoning, but really, she couldn’t stand still. She walked towards the door, pausing under the threshold, placing her arm on Lizzie’s shoulder. “It’s awful. It’s really awful.” The older woman couldn’t say anything. When Evelyn left, Lizzie looked at Tommy with a hollow expression. Many thoughts came rushing in. Everyone said it. Tommy Shelby would never be able to love you as long as she was there. Perhaps Grace was better at setting boundaries than she.
Lizzie walked in and took a seat, cigarette between her fingers. “Where were you?”
Tommy joined her side, taking the cigarette from her and puffing it himself. He looked over at her. “I don’t have an excuse-”
“I had to give her your kiss goodbye,” she said, drained, no emotion left. “Telling her that her father loves her just before I walk in here and I-”
“Let’s bring this home, eh?” he asked, pulling her in for his once a year affection. “Let’s grieve.”
Evie went for the main entrance where she could see the black car. Isaiah had been waiting. She didn’t know for how long, but it was definitely long enough he turned the car off. She smiled, reaching for the handle when an arm slipped between her and the door. Before she looked at the man, she studied his pressed blue suit, decorated with gold cufflinks. Her eyes traveled up his arm to his face, swallowing. She wasn’t one to involve herself with her father’s business, preferring to be distant enough, clueless enough, and safe enough. A handsome gentleman looked down at her, slight grin. She was familiar with his face, but hardly cared enough to learn a name. Probably ignorant of her seeing as though it was Gina’s uncle, famous Irish-American gangster Jack Nelson. Like Tommy Shelby, people knew him.
“Your father doesn’t give many opportunities for one to seek you alone, Miss. Shelby.” Evelyn flinched away, eying her one escape route. A lone stairwell that led back up to the main hospital area. Where her father was, probably with a gun by his side. She could also scream in hopes Isaiah would hear her. But he was a step ahead, cupping her chin and making her look at him. That smile was like a personal signature to him. “There’s no need. I thought perhaps we could take a ride, you and I-”
“Who are you?” she asked, connecting eyes, and he was nothing short of amused, introducing himself like a gentleman, hiding any evil motive. “Well, Mr. Nelson, I’m simply my father’s daughter and quite frankly, want no business with his friends. Now, if you may excuse me, I’d like to go home. It’s been an awful-”
“I’ve heard,” he interrupted, slipping his hand down to her arm. There was something sickly sweet about the way he was empathetically massaging her arm. “It’s so awful, isn’t it? Young and all.” Evelyn couldn’t remember the last time a man other than her father touched her. Though an unassuming gesture, she felt flushed by the touch. Almost like a little school girl. Jack could read her bashful expression; how her cheeks turned some shade of pink, how she averted her attention, how she acted like a small girl. He thought for a Shelby, she’d have a bit more edge. But over the years, her edge smoothened.
“Thank you, Mr. Nelson-”
“You’re very polite,” he complimented. “If you don’t mind, Miss. Shelby, can we go to my car? I’d like to have a chat with little risk of interruption-ah,” he hummed, noticing the fear in her eyes. “There is a side exit just under the stairwell…and there is no need to fear, if I wanted to kidnap you or kill you, it would have been done. Now, let’s not be silly.” She couldn’t tell you what possessed her. Was it his cool exterior? His calm voice? The gentle manner in which he touched her? But she gave one last look to the car waiting out front before following Jack Nelson to the side exit.
He wasn’t driving his car. It was an older gentleman who only said a few words when opening the door for them. As the gentleman he was, he motioned for Evelyn to go in first. Hesitantly, she looked at him before sliding across the leather seats. He joined her side. He allowed the driver to start the car and go on their way. “Just towards my home. Is that alright?” He turned to Evelyn. “It’s a little bit of a ride, but perhaps you and I will get to know each other quite well during this time. Bond a bit seeing as though we both wear Boston routes.”
“Do you live here?” she asked, trying to feel out the situation. Her hand kept a steady grip on the door handle.
“Not usually,” he said, eying her hand before reaching over her and prying it off. “No need for that. I’d hate for you to jump out of a moving car and hurt yourself. What if you get a scratch on that pretty face, hm?” He chuckled, pulling her in towards the middle. “In fact, let’s sit closer-”
“Mr. Nelson-”
“Shhh,” he hushed her.
She sighed, uncomfortably close to him. He propped one of her legs over his while one of his arms was snaked along her waist. His other hand rested on his knee. He sat relaxed, legs spread. He got so comfortable, he loosened his collar on his shirt. She swallowed the lump down and stiffly asked, “what is it exactly you want? My sister just died and I really just want to go home-”
“Mourning is an awful process, isn’t it, Miss. Shelby?” he asked, looking at her. “But it’s a process that will take a lifetime. While this chat will only take a sliver of your time.”
She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath of annoyance. “If there is something you want, Mr. Nelson, I can’t give it to you. My father has kept me sheltered from his business. I have no access to money. I have no access to assets. I have no access to people. I’m as useless as-”
“Your grandfather was an anthropologist-archeologist,” he commented. Evelyn stiffened, looking at him with a look of worry. Evelyn was so disattached to her biological family that she couldn’t remember some of their faces. She met her grandparents only a short few times when she was five and her mother was acting normal. “Quite famous, actually. Did you know he found some rather important artifacts in what was once known as Mesopotamia? Now Iraq…it’s a bit far from here-”
“I know my geography,” she said, jaw a bit tight.
He nodded. “Well, I regret to inform you, but your grandfather has passed on and well, for a very good price, your mother has so kindly sold me some interesting pieces-ah, ah, ah…you don’t like that. Me calling her your mother?” He noticed how Evelyn went pale and her breath hitched. “It’s alright,” he whispered, rubbing her arm. “Anyway, I have to say, those pieces look rather nice in my parlor. I’ve been complimented on them.”
“What…do…you…want, Mr. Nelson?”
He chuckled, “well, you think a woman whose whored herself for nearly thirty fucking years would have learnt to be a better business woman.” It was like a switch in Evelyn’s brain. She quickly pushed at him and lunged for the door, kicking her feet as his body. But her small, weak frame was pathetic. Jack was quick to grab her. His kindness shedded slightly as he pushed her back against the seat, holding her there with a hand around her neck. “Now, now, how impolite? To think we were getting along so fucking well!” She didn’t dare protest, his hand pressed against her life. “Now, she sold those very nice furnishings under the condition that she can see you just one last time.” Evelyn’s heart sunk to her stomach, and just as she was a child, she felt her body betray her. She got sweaty, her heart pounded. She was going to lose herself and her daddy wasn’t there to save her.
“I didn’t think you were an artifact dealer, Mr. Nelson,” she said, shaking. She wiggled under him, looking at him with pleading eyes.
He eased his grip. “Me either, but the money is attractive. There are plenty of people willing to pay me quite a nice price for them. Now, she’s at home-ah, ah, ah. No need to panic. Shhhhhh.” He moved his hand from her throat, rubbing her cheek. “You don’t like mommy, do you, Evie?” She broke loose on the inside, and spilled on the outside as she choked on her tears. She shook as all the childhood trauma she thought she solved slowly seeped back up. “Hmmm, it’s so sad-”
“Mr. Nelson, please,” she begged, closing her eyes. Her chin twitched like a child’s. “Don’t make me-”
Jack pulled out a wrinkled black and white, yellow tinted photo. There were so very few pictures of Evelyn as a child. Tommy had a single photo. There, in Jack’s hands, was her mother’s photo of her that she kept in her handbag. “It’s so sad how someone could be so evil to a little child…Look how fucking cute you were? Wonder why you’re so adored…favorited.” She stared at the photo, observing how little Evie was smiling. Her curls were so thick then. “How she treated you-”
“I don’t think about it-”
“The abuse,” he continued. “I’d hate her, too, if I was you-”
“I feel nothing,” she said, trying to convince more than just him.
“How she’d work as you slept in the same bed.” How did he know all of this? She closed her eyes, trying to block him out, but he wouldn’t stop. “Left you with whores, for days unfed and uncleaned. Hair littered with lice…I couldn’t imagine the pain you felt, crying for a mother who never showed you an ounce of love.”
She took a deep breath, her chest tightening, wheezing. “Just stop…just please stop-”
“And that one time when you thought she bought a pretty dress for a party, but really, it wasn’t for you, was it? That pretty dress. It was green with white lace trimming.” He continued to retell her story, but Evelyn slowly started to sink into a hole of darkness, her mind swirling with memories of her childhood. Her mother was to make nice money that night. It was chicken money. Enough food for a few days. Evelyn remembered walking into a room, her mother’s hands on her back and an unfamiliar man sitting on her bed. Distinctively, she remembered the look on the man’s face…it morphed into something so evil, Evelyn swore she saw the Devil. Her mother left her alone in that room, locking the door from the outside.
“I never worn a green dress since,” she whispered, lip trembling.
“But he saved you,” he said. “There was knock-”
“On the door, but he didn’t wait for her to answer. He walked in,” she said, continuing the story of how Tommy Shelby saved her from the Devil. Her nails dug into her skin, trying to keep herself calm. “He heard me and the man talking…I was so innocent. And he, he…he pushed my mother-”
“Into the stove,” Jack interrupted. “Your mother still has that scar on her forearm where the hot kettle burnt her-”
“He rushed into the room…my dress was slipping from my shoulders. But the world stopped when he came in. He studied the man for so long before grabbing me and covering me with his wool coat. We went home and he told Aunty Polly to watch me…that he had business to do. I remember hearing the first click of a gun…I remember seeing a gun for the first time-”
“Do you know what he did to that man?” he asked.
“What do you want with me, Mr. Nelson. I’ve asked you and you’ve only caused me to-”
“I told you,” he corrected her. “I said, that she wants to see you-”
“And I don’t want to.”
“Right,” he nodded, handing her his red handkerchief. “Or, if you’d like, I can end her, but debts don’t pay themselves, Miss. Shelby.” Evelyn shot him a look of confusion. “Oh, like you haven’t thought about her end-”
“I’m not like that-”
“Well, then a family reunion would be very nice, wouldn’t it?” When she questioned what use he’d have of them meeting, he said, “none at all, but I do have good use of putting you in my debt. If I end her, whether or not you agree to it, I’ll put you on my books. And there is only one way to remove yourself.” He positioned her once again half on his lap, helping her clean her face, mumbling how she was a pretty girl. “Just a shame your father has such an unhealthy way of parenting. Poor girl, you probably hardly ever had a night out to yourself in the last few years.” When he was done, he put the handkerchief in his pocket. “I have a nephew…Irish blooded like yourself.” Evie slowly widened her eyes. “Before you object, I’ll have you know, he’s handsome and,” he paused, grinning. “Large cocks run in the family-”
Evie stopped him right there. “So, you are going to kill her then hold me to a debt I never asked to be a part of? And that debt is to…what? Fuck your nephew? Mr. Nelson, I’m not going-”
“Come on, Evelyn,” he whined mockingly. “You’re beautiful. You’re unmarried, no kids….Who will you have to share your father’s assets with when the brain tumor takes over, huh? When he’s gone-”
“B-brain t-tumor,” Evelyn stuttered, a thump in her chest. What tumor?
“You know you’re your father’s favorite,” he continued, ignoring her disheveled, frazzled state. She clung to him, nails digging into his blue suit sleeve. “Your sister is dead…Miss. Stark has filed for a divorce. What do you think you inherited compared to, what’s his name? Charlie? You know that you got that house, that land, those five cars…all that money. Never mind the business and the horses. Wouldn’t it be nice to share it with someone? C’mon, sweetheart, a Boston-Irish girl like you deserves to reconnect with her roots-”
“Take me the fuck home!” She snapped.
“Then make a deal-”
“I’ll see her then take me home.”
That’s when he grinned. “How do you know that she isn’t already dead and the deal hasn’t already been made? Hm?” Evelyn narrowed her eyes and raised her hand to slap him, when he caught it. Looking at his driver, he said, “take her home.”
#peaky blinder imagine#tommy shelby imagine#tommy shelby x reader#tommy shelby#peaky blinders#fanfic#fic recommendation#fic rec
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I swear to god that I'm gonna kill myself soon ughhhh
I wish I could kill myself but like not die
I want everyone around me to cry over little bitch boy max while I continue living
I don't wanna be gone I just want everyone to love me
and the only way they will ever fucking love me is if I get up out if bed and down a aspirin bottle
But I'm to fucking lazy to do that huh?
I'm already snuggled up in bed and warm and to lazy to go one door down and grab a pencil sharper
I'm do depressed to be depressed lmao
And tomorrow I'll see my family,and I'll smile, and I'll tell myself that life's worth living, then I'll see my girlfriend hit me again, then ill be ashamed for my hyperfixations again, then my mom will tell me I have nothing to be depressed about even when she knows a can and will make myself bleed again.
And I cant even let myself bleed
Her and her friends have been talking about me, even though it's been a year since she put words in my mouth
Apparently I show off my self harm even though when I sh I had gym and couldn't help it.
They expect me to cover up and be ashamed
But im not
You can't even see it anymore
And I'm too scared because I don't want her to hate me even though I have not said a single fucking word to her.
I don't want to because when my friend broke up with her girlfriend it was "because she self harms" EVEN THOUGH ALL SHE DID WAS OPEN UP TO YOU
AND ALL YOU DID WAS BLAME HER
AND EVERYONE BLAMES HER
EVERYONE WILL BLAME ME
AND EVERYONE WILL HATE ME
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY I HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPYI HAVE TO BE HAPPY
I'm so tired
I want this to be over
I'm so fucking unoriginal
I'm a depressed tean ranting on TUMBLR IN 2022 WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have this bitch looking like the get out of my head poem or all work and no play makes jack a dull boy
And I hate it
I hate that I can't talk to anyone
I hate that no one will read all of this
I hate that I have to convince my girlfriend to even look me in the eye, yet I left a love letter in her locker
Fuck I'm lying now
We don't have lockers
I left it in her art shelf
Which means she probably didn't see it
Why am I writing this?
Shouldn't I just go back and fix the line?
I don't want to
I'm so lazy to do anything
I can't even scroll up and just fix the goddamned line
I can't do anything right
I can't fucking breathe anymore without someone judging me
And if I am anything other then happy I will lose my girlfriend
I'll lose my friends
Again
I worked so hard for friends
New friends I mean
After she blamed me everyone sorta split
One friend stayed with me
4 friends stayed with her
The others sit in the middle
I'm only allowed to interact with them with she's not around
I can say hi to my friends in 7th period
But heaven forbid I even look at their table during art
Ooo she gets mad over that
She tells off my friends for doing stuff with me even though we have theater
I HAVE TO FUCKING PRACTICE
And I ruin their lives too
My in the middle friends I mean
I ruin everything
But I'm not allowed
One of my friends about 2 years back or so had a online friend.
He is (mostly) aroace, but he had a massive crush on his friend.
Then they killed themselves
Then he tried to kill himself
4 times
I got the idea of cutting from him actually
I saw is arm one day
A month later as I was yelling over contacts (fucking pathetic ik) I got the idea
I still had my sharper from the beginning of the year
I'd grab some scissors
Take the blade out
And cut my self
I think my mom knew that night
She kept my out in the living room long enough for it to die down
When I did it I wasn't blinded by rage or sadness
I was entirely sober
Which made it worse
Now I cant be anything but happy
Or he will get sad and make is 5th or 6th attempt
And if I lose him I'm killing myself
One of my friends is my girlfriends identical twin.
We met first actually
And she is definitely jealous I care about her sister more
And of course everything is wrong in her perfect world
Her schedule 'sucks' and that was enough for her to try to kill herself
Twice
And I'm so tired to deal with someone who randomly makes suicide letters in art class and someone who have brake downs after the first mention of suicide
So I have to support her
And him
It sucks
But I have to
Or she'll attempt again
And if I lose her im killing myself
Alright im out of my fit mostly im probably gonna go read smut or watch porn or something
I don't even like porn lmao
If you read this you are a slay 💅
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Rewatching Ninjago
(With no context other than the episode)
Hands of Time 1-2
Ah yes, a Wu-doesnt-tell-them-shit season
Oh wait!
Thats every season.
COLES HUMAN AGAIN????
HES NOT A GHOST?!?!?!?
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN
Why does ninjago give us such little context clues. First ronin now this??!?!?
Okay, did some google searching. And the whole goddamn movie Day of the Departed isn’t on Netflix?!?!?!?!
Brb gonna watch it.
For anyone who doesnt have Tubi or amazon: wcofun.net has Day of the Departed
Alright we’re back, I understand whats going on now.
Nya: If I could go back in time, Id tell Mr Saunder we wouldn’t be able to help with the museum…
Zane: Remember Nya, we went back in time once. Things like that aren’t to be taken lightly
Nya: Its a form of expression Zane 🙄
Fjsnfjdirnfjd such subtle foreshadowing
Nya and Kai immediately retelling the story of their parents after they see a portrait, to remind the audience, is hilarious to me
Mr Saunder, museum guy: Refreshing time! hot sweaty work deserves a cool drink!
Kai: Thanks!
Mr Saunders: Enjoy the pickled beet tea!
Nya, Kai, and Lloyd: (Spit it out coughing)
Cole: …
Cole (drops the cup): Oops…! New hands! So clumsy…
Jay: (shrugs and chugs it)
Wait
Waitwaitwaitwait
Ik who Mr Saunders is IK WHO MR SAUNDERS IS
god I just know im gonna be so confused this season. I never deal with time travel shows well.
Ronin and Dareth are helping Misako carry boxes to the new temple 🥺
Dareth and Ronin gossiping and getting impressed over Nyas samurai X suit is so cute
Dareth (wearing the helmet): look out world! Heres comes Samurai D!!!
Misako and Ronin: …
Dareth: What?
Dareth: …
Dareth: The D is for Dareth.
I wish Wu would fight more, hes genuinely good at it
Misako: Dareth please take that off.
Ronin: Allow- (Weird timey thing happens) me…
Ronin: When did I get on top of Dareth… 🤨
Time went forwards FOR A MINUTE?!?!
Misako: its like deja vu but in reverse…
Thats actually a great way to explain it
Jay freaking out over the loud beeping alarm when it doesn’t seem to affect anyone else is the autistic experience.
Zane: Hmmm… this is surprising.
Jay: No, no its not! Ive always had sensitive ears and—
Zane: I meant-
HES AUTISTIC YOUR HONOR
Jay: Oh! temporal energy, of course, EVERYONE knows thats, uh… powerful!
Kai: You, have no idea what temporal means, do you?
Jay:…
Jay: I do not.
HFBSJBFJSBR
Acronix: Control time, control everything…
I mean hes not wrong
Jay just wants to go home 😭
Jay: UGHHHH theres no one at the old monastery! Zanes probably malfunctioning.
Zane:…
Zane: Self diagnostic says negative
Jay (smacks zane over the head): How about now 😁
Zane: No. 🤨
Jay, after complaining and begging them all to go home: WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!?!? TO THE OLD MONASTERY!
Wu: I- I made a mistake…
Wu why are you so shocked you make a LOT of mistakes
Lloyd: Jay! What are you doing!
Jay (jumps off destineys bounty): HEY! Hey you! Im looking for someone! Spinjitzu master, this tall, long beard, goes by the name Wu?
Acronix: Cant say ive seen him.
Jay: hm! Thats odd… cause judging by all the slash marks here! I think you have.
That was such good line delivery
The way he way his voice was exaggeratedly high and happy and then his last sentence went down a notch and he brought out his nunchucks.
This is why hes my favorite character
Its nice that Cole has faith in Jay
Too bad hes gonna watch Jay get fucking wiped
Nya (after getting totaled): sometimes I wish I was still samurai x instead of a ninja…
God it hurts so much to be reminded that Nya never truly wanted to be a ninja
Jay: Wait! Who put you in charge! Why cant I help put out the flames?
JAY… BUDDY…
Lloyd: You really think electricity is gonna stop fire?
Jay:…
Jay: good point.
Jay your better than this 😭
Actually. On second thought. Your really not.
Jay (talking about the monastery): burned down again… man this place just cant catch a break can it.
TRUE.
COLE SAVED WU!!!!
Cole. Why are you grabbing him with your lava hands.
Wu: There is so much to tell you…
Yeah no shit.
Misako and Wu: (flirting as she pours him healing tea)
The ninja: 😐
All the ninja: (rapidly asking questions)
Jay: Who ate my pudding cup?!?!?
Everyone:…
Jay: What?… he said we could ask any questions!
Nya and Kais parents cheek bones are high and regal as fuck. Like damn.
Why does EVERY villain feel like theyre entitled in ruling ninjago
Do you know how HARD that is????
To rule a fucking country?!?!?!
Honestly. Yes. The time power Is the most powerful element. But they arent entitled to everything because of it 🤨🤨🤨
I NEED Acronixs hair right now.
God their dynamic is so funny. Can you imagine your biological twin being 40 years older than you 😭😭😭
How did Krux live 40 years in disguise and solitude and not gain the wisdom that came with age. Like my guy did not contemplate his existence AT ALL.
I dont remember but does newer ninjago episodes remove Lloyds rectangle mouth and Wus vacant yellow one?
Please tell me they do.
I NEEEEED a spin off series of Wus and Garmadons early adventures
…
Do they seriously think they actually defeated Acronix. Did it not cross their minds ONCE that he escaped?????
AAAWWWW jay and Nya are so cute now :)
Jays such a flirt he loves her sm 😭
HFNSJBFJD KAI.
Kai (walking in on jay and Nya about to kiss): hey guys- WOAH SORRY TO INTERRUPT IDIDNTSEEANYTHING (covers his eyes)
Kai: Theres something you need to see! (Turns around with his eyes covered and slams into a wall)
I love Kai sm 🥰
Cyrus borg is so great :))))
Zane: if we want to decide who gets to stop this new samurai, i suggest we assign each of ourselves a digit, then manually engage in a cube with graphical representation of each number, go make a random, unbiased selection.
Everyone:
Zane: Roll dice.
HFNDJTBDJFNBR
Zane can just be so funny for literally no reason 😭😭😭
Gayle gossip (news woman): Ive never seen this much destruction before! Well- i mean, i have. But its been a while! And you never really get used to it….
Just another day in ninjago 🙃
Snakes.
Theyre using snakes.
AGAIN.
WHY.
IM SO TIRED OF THESE FUCKING SNAKES USE SOMETHING ELSE GODDAMMIT
Acronix and Krux are true sibling representation.
Kai: Okay! I dont wanna braaag, but the other day I stopped an elemental master of TIME. So i think I can handle a lousy samurai-
Kai: (Gets fucking totaled)
Cole: (uses his lava earth punch thing)
(Samurai Snakes fall apart)
Jay: YOU DISINTEGRATED HIM?!?!?!?
Cole: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!!!!!
Okay but WHERE did Krux find these snakes.
Zane helping out Pixals dad (cyrus borg) is actually so sweet
Awwww I remember this part
Water and electricity stop them!!!!!
WAIT WHAT NO WHAT HAPPENED TO ZANE
Krux: I already have my best blacksmiths on making more armor.
No. It is NOT who I think it is.
Istg they better not have imprisoned Nya and Kais parents.
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i finally got off my ass to compile all these into a post, heres all the stuff i made at the ceramics class i went to *checks date* 3 MONTHS AGO??? by lord time moves fast these days
individual/process photos under the cut, fair warning for a loooot of pictures like a LOT
general process pics
bowls
plate 1
plate 2 + whatever this heart shape thing is
maja ended up taking both of them to use for jewelry as pictured above, by this point i feel the need to explain that the entire time i was in this class i had no fucking idea what i was doing and didnt really prepare in the sense of think about what kind of stuff i want to make, so i just spent the whole time making random stuff (except for 2 which i will show in a bit) hence this random heart and whatever this alien colored thing up next is
^im thinking im probably gonna gift this to my neighbour to use as an ashtray
another random one but im gonna use it as a candle holder
random figures i made while trying to figure out what to make next that i didnt think would survive the bake but the prof baked them anyway and they... kinda survived but they both just kept going through accident after accident and ended up Like That
they’ve been through it all DFGDFGDFG the reason why the snowman is green is bc when we were painting them it took me a while to paint all of my stuff so by the time i was finishing my last one they were already packing up all the colors and when i finished i noticed i forgot to paint the snowman and green was one of the only colors left so i just. dipped him in the green real quick so now hes a fucked up little alien snowman
it begs the question of is it better to exist in a non-fucked up state or to just not exist at all? they may both be fucked up but i made them and theyre mine and i love them so much.
onto the last 2 things which are the ones im actually really happy with - this plate (?? english is hard) for holding cake i made at mom’s request
and this cat bowl i made trying to make sth like this
lots of pictures bc its my pride and joy lmao i love it SO MUCH😭😭 i was origianlly planning to draw a face like >.< on the cat but as i said i was rushing to finish all the painting and completely forgot to draw a face sdgdfg, but judging from how well the face on the other cat ended up maybe its better this way
and so while i was actually attending the class i had no ideas of what i wanted to make but i swear to god the SECOND i finished the class i started seeing a bunch of cool ceramics everywhere and being like OMG I WANNA MAKE THAT I WANNA MAKE THAT but i CANT anymore bc the class is over and UGHHHH I MISS CERAMICS SO MUCH TAKE ME BACK BABY I PROMISE IVE CHANGED OTL
in summary this class was really nice and i obviously still have a shit ton to learn so im really hoping i can do something like this again in the future o(-(
#mine#my crafts#finally got this done. i still have another compilation post i wanna make for embroidery ive made over the past month#these are a nightmare to put together but i fucking do it
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mutuals appreciation post !! happy 1.3k milestone ♡
not @ me just randomly doing this 🤡 anyways yes happy 1.3k 💞 posting this early just in case someone unfollows 🙄 but i'm sadly not done with the event yet so i don't have any milestones planned for now so i just did this instead ;;;; maybe if i reach 1.5k i might do smth tho ??
in no order whatsoever
@starglitterz ; bye ilysm 🙁🙁 literally one of my best mutuals xdxd quill x yuyu 90k words frustrating slowburn teethrotting fluff friends to lovers asf. ok on a serious note IM SO GLAD THAT YOU'RE A LU JINGHE STAN⁉️⁉️ literally the cutest, hottest and richest man alive i tell you not 🙄 !! anyways i hope we can get to know each other more <3
@kazuqha ; im so scared to know what your "yan simping for marius" album contains ..... like literally. AND IM STILL GONNA BE INDENIAL ONE MORE TIME,,, just so i can get his event cards probably ❤ HAHA. being indenial has it's pros ok i rlly want that electrifying night sr and the symphony of the night ssr like oh my god not to ramble but he looks so hot in it 😩 i want him to kiss me so bad?*,?*@?!?@(#) ily i hope you get more zuo ran cards bc youre his wife 🤪
@noirkkat ; it's the way i've been wanting to be mutuals with you for so long bYE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE REALLY COOL AND WHEN WE FINALLY BECAME MUTUALS YOU WERE MORE THAN THAT 😍 anyways youre so sexy and stay bad 😜
@dilucbar ; let's go bili some noodle soup and egg waffles kasami si thoma and childe 😩 #conyo bye he might type in a jeje way i cant do this today HWHAHWJAHWHAHSHA anyways conyo thoma and childe our beloved 💗
@test-tube ; why are you so sweet it's too much for my health but idc youre literally one of the sweetest mutuals i have :((( we rarely talk these days but im glad that i can still see you on my dash slaps you with my affection and support asf
@baeshijima ; my fellow lu jinghe stan haha manifesting more of his cards for us <33 im so close to spend money on the matching tattoos one but 🙁🙁 i hate wasting money on games uGHHHH anyways lu jinghe supremacy insert heart
@eternism ; hi giggles i havent sent my yoimiya angst idea to you but i might do it later 😍 unless i forget again 🧍♀️anyways HAHA <3 ILY !!!! youre so cool?*?(?!?!? i hope you get yoimiya ur beloved bestie !!
@ganyuslily ; bye you're the only one who can understand me when it comes to mo yi insert pensive emoji they keep saying hes sus or a red flag but like,,,, idrc????? i still love him either way and i doubt mihoyo would make a love interest a literal red flag like that man,,, anyways congrats on ur xia yan again and i hope you get zuo ran's ssr <3
@kazuhavo1r ; yOUR. YOUR MARIUS CONTENT. I SCREAM EVERYTIME I GET TAGGED IN IT LIKE?&#(@?@*#(#?# I LOVE IT WHEN MARIUS I SWEAR YOU NOT 😭😭 but tho gl on ur exams/school :(( i love how we invade the tot fanfiction tags 😍
@astrealia ; xia yan <3 thats it for you LMFAO /j ok but. xia yan personal story is breaking me how can you just endure all of it wtf ily btw
bye i can't think of anyone else i am so sORRY if you aren't included ;;;;; i only rmb the ones ive been interacting more recently <//3 anyways ily all mutuals yall r so coolsies as yall should !
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