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like-rain-or-confetti · 4 years ago

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Can you do a little text with your opinion about the Volturi members? What you like and dislike, they personality, they story... Would be interesting! Kissessss and have a great day! 💜

Imma have a little fun and throw the very young me into the mix to. Let's see child me vs adult me's opinions on the Volturiiii.

Fun fact: I wasn't team Volturi until I was like fifteen. Before that I was team edward... I don't want to talk about that 🤔😒

Also I'm a sucker for villains. If it isn't obvious already, I like the villains more than the heroes. (We all love a bad boy though, don't we?--- TIK TOK NOW IS NOT THE TIMEE.)

So everything i say is just my opinion and should be taken just as that.

Aro: Younger me was like "this...is a terrible person. There really is no need to expand on this." However adult me has been like "GUYS this guy is possibly the SCARIEST character. This man rips off heads AND SMILES ABOUT IT." He gives me child snatcher vibes (from the movies in particular). I thoroughly enjoy the power hungry persona. He's really fitting to be the puppeteer behind the Volturi. Even if he makes it seem it's a group effort with himself, Marcus and Caius. Realistically, Aro gets what he wants and isn't afraid to do what it takes to get it...sorry Didyme. What's even darker about it, WHICH I LOVE, is that he isn't heartless. Smeyer wrote that Aro genuinely loved his sister. It's all good to have a character that's a evil heartless monster but what's more terrifying to me is the ability for someone to do evil despite their love and emotions. It doesn't hold them back and that's what I find particularly frightening now that child me didn't comprehend. Micheal Sheen, from what I remember of his interview years ago, played on the idea that vampires of Aro's age kinda begin to lose their mind. Which, hell freaking yes. However there is one thing I hate for Aro's character that happened in the movies. Breaking dawn part 2. That fucking laugh. Don't get me wrong, hilarious. I can't not laugh but for his character I felt it was too 'hey hey I'm a crazy man hehe'. It was a but too much, even for an eccentric Aro. However, I'm not to mad at it because again, it was funny to watch. I thoroughly enjoy the ‘friendship’ Aro and Carlisle share and i love that it is ‘maintained’ throughout the books. I think it’s just a really nice detail. (I love lore. I am a sucker for it.) The one thing that didnt sit right with me is Aro marrying someone so that he wasnt the alone one whilst his co-leaders were very much in love? Was a little off for me but i suppose that just adds to the character.

Caius: child me would shrink into the seat because what did I do to this man? High key still think I wouldn't want to be Caius' child because imagine doing something wrong and you get that glare? No thank you! Scary angry man. As an adult... "He's an angry boi but...DAYUM WHY IS HE SUDDENLY SO HOT?" Just...don't get angry with me. You'll get annoying real quick and you're too pretty for that. I enjoy the taking-no-shit attitude he has but felt it could have been a little more prominent in BDP2 where Aro asks if Caius' is challenging him. I full believe Caius to an extend would be like "yes, yes I am. Don't be an idiot Aro. Use that braincell!" Which is why I adore the meme vibes I see every now and then of Caius hating Carlisle because why does Aro love that blonde so much? CAIUS HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT LOYAL-- Anyways, I can totally get why Aro wants him on his team. Caius is so angry and has so much hatred that he’s a good asset to the coven, even if not having a special ability.I do find it hard to imagine that Caius is a century older than Aro though. Although I cant picture him over forty years old lol. Although i do personally enjoy the whole Caius x Athenodora route. IT’S TRUE LOVE! Okay so maybe thats a little dramatic but its better than Aro’s lmao.

Marcus: movie Marcus is absolutely not nineteen years old and that's just a fact. If anything, he's the forty year old one lmao. Child me couldn't care about this man. He was the man who said nothing and slumped on a throne. That was Marcus. That was his character summed up. Then adult me rolled in and OMG NO DON'T DO THIS TO THIS SWEET MAN. LET HIM BE IN LOVE. As an adult i definitely became more attached. I feel like i was too young back then to get why Marcus was in the Volturi. He seemed very out of place and like a filler co-leader more than anything. However as i’ve gotten older (and written for him), I recognised that's the point. That’s Marcus’ evident grief. He isn’t there by choice and losing Didyme caused him to fall out of line with the coven. He’s lost point or purpose. Almost like its become meaningless because the love of his life was gone and he couldn't save her.So what was the aims of the Volturi to protect vampire kind when they couldn’t protect their own? He couldnt protect her. I had never heard of anything like bond identification and once i had- i was shook, like it became clear why he had been so necessary in the first place. That really is handy to understand everyones bonds in a coven, he could direct Chelsea and the two alone could destroy covens by bonds alone. Marcus makes the Volturi more realistic in a lot of ways. Like in a family, there is the happy times, goofy people like Felix, the twins representing a close bond. Afton and Chelsea, love that cant be divided. The list really goes on. Marcus represents love and heartbreak, pain, loss grief, the sad moments every family goes through. In that way he makes the coven seem less invincible, a group of people who at the end of the day, have their own weaknesses and immortality doesn’t mean a perfect existence. Especially when, in my opinion, Bella fantasized about immortality and how perfect it would be. Even after her change, she waited for her happy ending because that was somehow guaranteed in some level. Which in the end, she got but not everyone gets that happy ending we all want. I also personally think Marcus is the most feeling of the Volturi, despite being apathetic. A result of heartbreak. It’s shown he can still feel more in his own ways when he voted against Renesmee being destroyed. Furthermore, he advocated that vampire hybrids were a lot like vampires. He made that relation openly before anyone. Its almost as though losing Didyme helped him value a life?

Jane and Alec: Child me thought these two were badass...and that still remains in my adult life. It’s always been uncomfortable to me that someone so young is so sadistic and powerful. Jane is the older twin with the ability of pain illusion...yikes. Her ability was evident in her human life along with Alec’s. His gift is sensory deprivation and these two were my favourites in the whole Saga. Still kind of are if im honest. I thoroughly enjoy the twins backstory. It has the most detail. I have a tag for the twins. Canon!twins is the tag for the twins in their book age. Unless this tag is present, the twins have been aged up :). They are very much canon but I put a bit more emphasis on tantrums. If they get angry, they both have tantrums. So whilst (unless tagged) they aren't children they can be very childish and these tantrums are pretty deadly. They’re also very possessive? I dont even know if thats the right word i’m looking for in all honesty. Lets say they get very attached if they like you. These two are probably the most secluded out of the whole Volturi.

Felix: Felix! High ranking guard due to strength and speed. I am a major supporter of Felix being a gladiator when he was human. He as a lighter grey cloak meaning he isn’t as high ranked but is so good at what he does that he’s been kept for centuries...and a lot of them. Personality? FINALLY, WE’VE GOT ONE WITH PERSONALITY!! (Im writing these out of order and i’ve just finished a chunk of Volturi members who have personalities as invisible as Afton.) Flirtatious and Light hearted, we love flirtatious and light hearted! Basically a comedian! Helllll yes, keep it going! Extremely vicious and highly aggressive? You know what? I still like it. He wouldn’t be a Volturi without a dark side. Cold blooded murderer. Yes. 10/10. Finally, someone Smeyer seems to actually care about. He flirted with Bella a couple of times in the books and i was FOR IT ALL THE WAY. I was very sad i saw none of it in the movies but im used to heartbreak by now. Im in this fandom after all. We were robbed of a lot. Strongest vampire in the world? I believe you, he’s also a hecking treeeeee. HE DO BE A TALL BOI. He actually makes Demetri look small and that’s still hilarious to me. Demetri is actually tall. However, if it isnt obvious we clearly traded backstory for personality. I cant get both smh. So...as i said before I fully believe Felix was a gladiator back in the day, hence his physique and height and excellent fighting abilities he has even as a vampire but then it kind of ends. I will say from the dawn of time, i don’t think Felix is the most academic man, just because of his era. I also think majority of the Volturi couldn’t read of write in their human lives and had to learn much older, most learning as vampires. Felix was one of these vampires, Although even now he isnt the most great at it. Then a wonderful writer known as @wallwriterstuff included it and now it’s canon in my eyes. I fully believe Felix is a slow reader and writing isn’t his strong suit either. Wallwriter also includes the possibility that Felix could be dyslexic which im all for too. For a very long time i’ve considered writing a dyslexic reader with the Volturi but have always hesitated because i don’t have it and wouldn’t want to upset someone for any misunderstandings or inaccuracies. However what i will say is that i think vampires would be the most understanding to humans with dyslexia. Learning things like that in later development or as an adult is difficult and they wouldnt think any less of you for struggling with reading, writing, numeracy- you name it. You’ll probably find they’re with you in the struggle at least half of the time. He’s also the goofball of the Volturi, even though he’s not really a goofball in our eyes, he’s the closest to a goofball out of the whole Volturi ...Emmett beats him in the Goofball wars.

Demetri: Oh yeah, it's Demetri's turn! So Demetri was previously in Amun's coven. When Chelsea gave him the old razzle dazzle...I've said Chelsea's gift so many times at this point it's getting old. I have two characters left after Demetri 😂😂 Anyway, with that Demetri was like "welp, I'm in the Volturi now." And now that they had a better tracker the previous one was kicked out. He isn’t much of a talker, polite and formal. He’s elegant (more graceful than i could ever be) and charming...yeah he is, you can say that AGAIN. He is also very calm, when next to Felix, i think everyone is calm but you know, we’ll say he’s a very calm person. I like how he was originally in the Egyptian coven with Amun. Given Amun’s goals this a pretty nice detail. NOW LETS GO TO MY VERSION. He’s very charming, calm, polite, formal and even a lil’ but quiet, i kept him pretty canon because he actually had a description to go on :)))))))))) Moving on. Demetri can be a very successful flirt when he wants to be and does have a Casanova reputation. However beyond the charming Volturi guard who has a brutal side like the rest of them, he has a chewy centre, deep down. I added that he had a child in his human life, one he doesn’t remember and very few people know about. He remembers that they died of an illness very young (around six?) but can’t remember what they look like. For that reason he doesn’t like talking about his child, he feels awful he doesn’t remember them and the loss still hits a pang in his chest.

Heidi: Alright im ready for this one! Child me didn’t necessarily enjoy Heidi? I was rather passive about her. It was all ‘pretty vampire used for her looks’ in my eyes back then and i was never comfortable with that. I’ll get into my take on Heidi in a moment, roll on the backstory! So Heidi knew Victoria as they used to be coven mates and we’re going to continue on as though Heidi didn’t care when she was killed? Like...its genuinely a burning question in my mind! If she didn't care, could that show the extent of Chelsea’s power in action!? (can we tell im enthusiastic about this coven yet?) It’s quite smart to have someone lure in prey. I wont lie, Heidi has quite the badass role in the coven. I wouldn't have thought about that I reckon. I’ve always thought that showed a kind of superiority. Oh you guys need to hunt your prey? pfft, ours literally comes to us. Her backstory really starts with Heidi being mistreated in her human life...a common theme Smeyer has. It can get old- i wont lie but when i give it some thought it kind of makes sense. Rosalie said it herself in eclipse, if any one of them had their happy ending, they’d be six feet under but i’d love a little bit more creativity. I could go on about how male vampires ended up being changed in comparison to female vampires but i’ll swiftly move on because that’s a whole other thing alone. Heidi was changed out of pity. (Which kinda infuriates me just to type, a pity change? Really? Really Hilda? we’ll see why it annoys me when i explain my take on Heidi.) Heidi was happy in her coven with Hilda, Victoria etc, which is hell yes. We love that. This is around the time she discovered her gift. Vampires were attracted to her and humans fell prey to her easily. Yup okay. I’ll take that. After a newborn vampire caused ‘too much attention’ Aro spared Heidi and Chelsea used her gift on Heidi. Nice, very nice aaaaand that’s where it stops and im left hanging. Personality time with Smeyer! Lets goooo. From what i remember and can find- she didn’t fucking have one. Apparently being pretty is enough for everyone. Which in hindsight, fair enough on a human Bella’s perspective, its literally Heidi’s gift to lure you in no matter what. She could tell you she’s a serial killer (and technically is lmao) and is about to sell your kidneys on the black market as to which you’ll be like ‘sign me the fuck up, want my liver too? Here, let me lie on the table for you. I’m down.’ without even realising what just happened. But even beyond that...Heidi has no personality traits mentioned. In New Moon she appears to be a little flirty which im all for, why the hell not? But...thats it? Thats all I get? Then we get into fanfictions, because i read them growing up. Heidi was depicted as flirtatious, promiscuous and then it varied between manipulative or she wasnt very smart. Which i’m knocking absolutely no one for. I think you can get a badass character who is incredibly dumb. I think all characters are actually valid whether they’re a genius or flat out dumb. I love them all. However it never really sat with me. I was never quite satisfied which i was fine with until i started writing for myself. That’s when i knew i’d have to really think about what my version of Heidi would be or i’d never be happy with my work. That and you also begin to fill in the blanks? The more you write the more you flesh out a character for yourself and so that rolls into my version of Heidi! So for my Heidi, she often gets the same trope of ‘she’s pretty and rich, those types of girls have easy lives who always had everything given to them.’ Then when it’s discovered she didn’t have a good human life. It turns to the next assumption of ‘oh she’s pretty and stupid enough to be used and manipulated’. In a lot of ways, that’s what Heidi wants everyone to think. Underestimate her, please, its all the easier to manipulate you if you do. She’s actually very smart and her rough human life made her more tough and intelligent. She’s very manipulative and yes she’s very flirty. You can look but you cant touch! She enjoys the attention her beauty gets her but if only these people would care more about what she’s like as a person. She’s not a barbie doll she will play you if she needs to. The only one who’s actually gotten far enough to sleep with Heidi is Demetri and even then the two don’t see each other romantically. They’re good friends who thinks the other is very attractive but that's where it ends. They’re basically friends with benefits some times lmao. However, Demetri got that far because he see’s the intellect Heidi actually has and acknowledges it. He thinks shes a queen who should be treated as such. She could take anything she wanted, a storm that people can only hope to survive in one piece. Secretly she enjoys a family setting. Whilst she never really wanted children (especially when she was expected to when human), she couldn't help but melt inside seeing little human children with their loving parents. She wants that for all children. Whether that's because she lacked such affection growing up, no one knows. She’s also a really good friend, you bet she’ll have your back. Crappy ex? Well we’ll show them, wont we (Y/N)? She’ll be a bitch and enjoy every second of it. She also loves the single life, believe it or not, you’ll have more difficulty getting Heidi to settle down than you would Demetri which speaks volumes. So yeah, move past her gift and really get to know her and you might have a very good friend. I also don’t see Heidi having a preference between male or females and that’s in all honesty. Times have changed and if she is attracted to another female then she wont be ashamed of it. She never has been (Demetri was the first to figure that out, Felix may be the last.) Even when the times weren’t approving of different sexualities, she didn't care. She will flirt with you and find it ridiculously cute if you get flustered.

Sulpicia: Sulpicia was an orphan which i used to develop my own version of her. Sulpicia grew to love Aro which im on the fence about but yup, i’ll take it. You’ll see what happens with my version in a bit lmao. and that’s where it stops. I get no personality again but do you know what we do in this fandom? We create one and fill in the blanks baby! So i write Sulpicia very materialistic and vain, she’s most snobbish of the wives and due to the other two, also considered the meaner one. She didnt have such things as a child being an orphan so when she got the opportunity to have it-she jumped. She isnt easily impressed and married Aro not for love but for immortality, money and status. (He’s only married you for your money, princess Jasmine! HE ONLY MARRIED YOU FOR YOUR MONEY! Damn it tik tok, but make it princess Aro) Which works well, because Aro doesnt necessarily love her either, he just wanted a mate so he wasnt the odd one out.He literally created her because he was like “Yup, you’ll do.” The two recognised they made a great team and image so they kinda grew to love each other? A little bit? Sure we’ll say its love...sorta. ANYWAY, It’s a highlight to Sulpicia being locked in that tower where she doesnt need to see Aro every little moment, it’s better than having a husband who she’d need to see everyday. ...Yeah my Sulpicia is something else lmao.

Athenodora: Athenodora is one of the oldest vampires in existence which kinda has me shook but I'll take it. She met Caius when he was fleeing from the Romanians, the two travelled together until they met Aro. Whilst on their nomadic travels they seemingly became mates. That's all we know about that. As to which the Volturi coven was made. Athenodora is completely loyal to Caius as well as highly dependent on him and I think that's very realistic given her circumstances. That's where their story ends...maybe for Smeyer but not for me! 😁 So I picture Caius and Athenodora being different sides of the same coin. Athenodora really mellows Caius, she is no where near is violent and sadistic as he is but due to her unwavering loyalty and dependency, she doesn't feel inclination to go against him...also because of Chelsea and Corin but I've said that so many times in this post I think we get the point. I think she's actually more gentle and soft spoken but that being said. She is very reserved and if she were to be angered she'd very much change. She could cut you down with words alone. Caius loves it. However beyond this is someone who is very maternal. Caius would appreciate it more if the two had children but instead it has created empathy. Caius doesn't want that when he can rip their head off. She struggles a little more with the 'no second chances' and that's another reason why Caius keeps her locked away and away from it. These two love each other more than words can describe. After being through so much with someone, the love can only grow. The two would happily risk their life for the other. Caius is saddened that he could never give her the family she wanted. He knows that to this day, Athenodora tries to reign in that side of her. He's a very supportive husband who's very different around his wife. He's much more tolerant, and angry. Simply more at ease. If anything happened to Athenodora, to put it simply...there would be hell to pay.

Didyme: Married to Marcus and Aro’s biological sister. Cute, me likely, keepy going. Her gift was happiness induction. VERY ADORABLE- Dont be as menacing as your brother...please. She was born several years after Aro and was changed by Aro ten and a half years after he was turned. (Dont tease me with all this lore Smeyer, I know what you’re gonna do) Aro was deeply disappointed her gift was just to make people happy- its okay Didyme, we love you. Aro is just...Aro. Her gift made many fall in love with her and its so freaking cute i CANT- but she only felt the same feelings for Marcus. MY HEART IS SO WARMMMM. Unfortunately they were so happy together that they lost interest in anything Volturi and were ready to leave. (Uh oh.) Aro, being the sneaky fellow he is, was like “I’m really happy for y’all of course you can leave. I love you my babies. My best friend and my sisterrrrrrr, I am the captain of this SHIP.” but was actually like “wait, no, no, no, not my Marcus. D-D-Did-Didyme I NEED him.” Think Sid the Sloth from ice age in the first movie when Sid really wants the baby. So this man is like...gonna have to do it to em and murder. He killed Didyme secretly (dunno how he pulled the secret part off- like i know how he did it but how did no one hear or see anything or even suspect anything IT WAS LITERAL FRIENDLY FIRE but we love the drama so continue.) Ironically enough she was very close with Aro and the two actually did love each other, Aro is just...murderous apparently, to the extent that even his sister isnt safe. And that’s it. That’s Didyme. Which im like...alright Smeyer i see you. I like this and expanded on this with my Didyme. i get the vibes that Didyme is the most innocent and kind of all the Volturi. Losing her meant losing the consciousness within the Volturi making them all the more ruthless because there was no one to say. “Guys, maybe lets rethink this? and quickly because i cant get Caius to put down the torch thats currently on fire.” Losing Didyme made Marcus mostly become passive and would rarely stop anything that happened. I often wonder if that provoked a lot of guilt for Marcus later on. (However thats a spoiler for something im currently writing...;) ) I also think of her as a major daydreamer and the most soft, gentle person anyone will ever meet. Like its difficult not to like her despite being in the Volturi, even the Romanians would have struggled if they met her. So in the long run...i hate nothing about Didyme, only find more and more love lmao.

Corin: So im going to be honest and tell you i have no idea what Corin would look like. I’ve got nothing and when i was younger i wasnt even sure if Corin was male or female. Like a lot of these names, i had never heard of the name ‘Corin’. I dont write for her as of yet because im still trying to figure her out. I think she’s quite quiet, she lets her gift do most of the work for her in keeping the wives, Chelsea and Caius when he doesnt get to go on a rampage, content. She was brought in also after Didyme died but Marcus refused her gift.That’s all i’ve got for her. Her gift is amazing, pretty underrated in my personal opinion since like Chelsea, she really helps keep the Volturi unified but other than that, I dont have much to say about her. :(

Afton: Another character i basically filled the blanks in for myself. So what we’re told is that he’s Chelsea’s mate and has the ability to disappear . Whilst thats a pretty cool trick...the volturi dont necessarily need it but they have to keep Chelsea happy and she demands that Afton stays so welcome to the family Afton! I also recently learned that if you hide behind Afton and he goes invisible infront of an opponent, you too will also be invisible. I figure that is until the opponent moves and basically changes their perspective but i could be wrong with that last part. That’s all we get so time for my unnecessary input! SO AFTON IS A TOTAL SWEETHEART. He’s very shy but polite. This is a complete opposite to his mate Chelsea. It’s actually what she liked about him. At first is was just be flirtatious to the shy vampire but when she actually got to know him... she fell hard. It was also Chelsea who had made the first move since Afton was so shy. Of course she’d never say so and Afton would never want to embarrass her so that was never really disclosed to anyone who wasn’t around at that time. She brings Afton out of his shell a lot and it wasn’t long before the two were mates. Chelsea is the light of his life. Hands down. He puts up with a lot for her and is happy to do so. She could ask anything of him and he’d do it and she doesn’t even need to use her gift. He buys are anything she wants almost instantly. He cant help but adore her passionate personality, like how hooked she can get on era’s such as the 1920′s, her love for jazz music and her ability to gush on and on about anything. The two had what the other lacked and that made them an excellent team. I love their relationship. I cant help it. However, as i said before Afton is very shy and tends to keep to himself. Sadly that, paired with Chelsea’s demand to keep him in the Volturi has left Afton a little bit outcasted. All the other permanent guards were wanted and considered important whilst Afton...not so much. Although that isn’t to say the other guards are mean to him or anything. They aren’t! (Except the twins who are...the twins.) Felix and Demetri tried to include him a lot but it was very difficult to break him out of his shell. That doesn’t mean to say they wont invite Afton when he’s around. Chelsea always appreciates their efforts. Afton is notably good friends with Santiago, who often preferred solitude as well.

(Guard to the left is who I imagine Afton is)

Chelsea: So supposedly Chelsea’s original name is Charmion? When i was younger i didnt really care much about her. I only really knew her gift and that she was the reason Afton was kept in the Volturi, since they were mates. From what im aware Chelsea basically wasnt in the movies/not identified. There wasnt much said about her in the books either. So since then i’ve kind of developed my own persona of Chelsea that could be completely inaccurate to canon but canon was my foundations with characters like these. She was always a red head in my eyes with ringlets, a copper kind of red head. I also pictured her to be small. However the newest addition to her character would have to be the mid-Atlantic accent. I blame Poppy Hill for this one. That character screamed Chelsea to me. She was very close to how i imagine Chelsea to be. So now Chelsea has an accent that i have no clue how she managed to maintain being in Italy so long and being born in Greece. LMAO. We’ll say she was very attached to that time. However, I think the time she joined the Volturi was actually very good for the story. She first came around just after Marcus had lost Didyme and Aro had her use her ability to keep Marcus in the coven. it’s really cool how she could really make or break the coven. Although, Aro was smart enough to not fully rely on her, using Corin’s ability on Chelsea to make sure she’d be happy and stay within the Volturi. Thats where the information on Chelsea really ends Over the years Chelsea has appeared in my writing and so beyond this point, Chelsea’s character is only my depiction. I figure Chelsea is a talker, like she can talk her way in and out of situations with ease. She enjoys being manipulated and even more so, being needed.Much like her gift, she gets under people’s skin- not in terms that she’s annoying but more so she can figure out people very well. Her mate is the complete opposite and so she often speaks on the behalf of them. Chelsea is very social and charismatic. She along with Heidi are the only two Volturi members who will be out and interacting with humans if necessary. Heidi for her ability but Chelsea purely for her social skills. She’s also the most interested in human culture. She loves the parties- the 1920′s being her favourite era in terms of fashion. She has no issue changing her name and has done so multiple times when the names run out of fashion.It’s like playing dress up! I’d actually love to write more about her. I’ve really grown to love her character, even if i filled in some blanks for myself. I think she and Afton’s relationship is one of the best, up there with Carlisle and Esme- despite the two being very different. It’s a part of their dynamic!

(I always imagined Chelsea to be a red head but Poppy Hill from THOHH is a very close depiction to Chelsea in my eyes)

Renata: A stressed little bean that lives on stress. I remember thinking when i was younger she was the big threat since she was Aro’s shield but now that im older i see...a stressed little five foot bean. I have no idea what she looks like but always imagine her dark hair tied in a tight bun, looking almost painful. Another who wears heels, like Heidi but she is very rigid just as she has been described. Her uncle is a bit of an ass considering he begged her to go with the Volturi so there wouldn’t be a threat. Dude, can you not just...hand over your niece? At least hesitate! Just like that, thanks to Chelsea, she’d give her life to protect Aro and...I have nothing else. Yes it does drive me mad that there are two named guards i know next to nothing about.

Santiago:So what’s known about Santiago is that he doesn’t actually have an ability. He’s just very good at battle techniques and fighting which is why he’s kept around. If they need fighters, they’re top three are Felix, Demetri and Santiago...in that order. Santiago is also much faster than a regular vampire (as shown in breaking dawn part 2- he caught up to Jacob and Renesmee quite fast despite the two having a running start and wolves supposedly being very fast- much like a vampire) That’s all we know of him so then i got in there and this is how I write Santiago. I gave him the background of coming from a superstitious family. Like he would be told tales of demons and witches growing up as well as things like voodoo. He knew an awful lot of urban legends and whilst he stopped believing in the bad luck his family taught him, he still held interest and couldn’t help the instinct of unease when witnessing such things as rituals. It’s ironic really. However Santiago always deems that humans have it all wrong. These forces are beyond human understanding and shouldn’t be played with. In that way, perhaps Santiago still has some belief in things such as superstition. He’s very secretive about it and would never clarify it for you. Santiago keeps to himself and can be quite standoffish. He can also be blunt even if it’s insulting- he doesn’t tend to care. Although he and Afton became quite good friends since the Afton was an outcast and Santiago didn’t enjoy large groups, or most people in general.

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it-was-all-a-beautiful-dream · 5 years ago

Text

Mr. I want suck your blood - Pt 4

Warning: Mentions of violence and Swearing

Word count: 2,451

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In stories, Soulmates were meant to be the real deal. They were forever. They were two individuals who were brought together by the universe so their lives finally made perfect sense.

You'd never heard of Soulmates ‘Taking a break’ or ‘Splitting up,’ it wasn't something that happened. That’s not what happened in the stories.

Thats just the thing though. Life isn't a story. Life’s a bitch.

Y/N POV

It had been 1 Hour 19 minutes and 45 seconds since Carlisle shattered your world. 1 Hour, 22 minutes and 23 seconds since you had ripped out your IV line and stormed out of the Cullen house. 1 Hour, 28 minutes and 15 seconds, since Carlisle Cullen, your SOULMATE, decided to call it quits.

Carlisle’s words were still ringing in your ears. “It’s safer this way.” or “Now you can live a normal human life.” You felt numb.

-1 Hour, 19 minutes and 45 seconds ago-

You looked up as you saw Carlisle standing in the wooden door frame. You smiled and placed a hand on your fast beating heart relieved to see him unscathed. Bella had swiftly exited the room. It was just the two of you now. You could tell straight away that something was wrong. Your heart started racing again.

You sat there and listened, as Carlisle took your hand and proceeded to shatter your world. He’d decided that being together, it was too dangerous. He couldn't put you in danger again, couldn’t watch you bleed in his arms again. You both argued. It was his over protective nature, that was the cause of this.

“What about Bella and Edward? She’s still human?!” Apparently it was an invalid argument. Invalid my ass. He wouldn't budge. He thought some time apart would be for the best, even if saying it did secretly pain him.

You were angry, so angry that you ripped out your own IV, not without gagging of course. The screaming and arguing drew the attention of the rest of the Cullen household. Bella was trying to calm you down and stop your arm from bleeding, while Edward and Esme were talking to Carlisle.

You didn't care anymore. How dare he. How could he do this to you? You didn't ask for this life. You'd been dragged into it head first. You'd accepted him for all he was. Before all of this you WERE a normal teenager, with normal teenage problems!

You didn't want normal anymore. You wanted Carlisle, the Volturi, wolves and blood singers. You wanted it all, but just like that, he took it away.

You hadn't wasted any time running through the house, past Alice, Rose and Jasper and to your car. You say run, more like fast walked, your legs were still jelly from lying in bed the last couple of days. Alice had tried to stop you on the way out but Jasper told her to let you go, he could feel the pain and anger radiating of you in waves.

The first thing you did when you got to your car was check your glove box for cigarettes. You got in and slammed the door, you could see Carlisle fighting to try and get passed Edward and Emmett but they wouldn't let him out. You looked over to see Bella running toward your car. You waited. She jumped in the passenger side and neither of you spoke a word. You didn't have to. You started the engine and it came to life with a roar, you peeled out of the Cullen’s drive way with tears streaming down your face and a cigarette between your lips. You fucking hated Forks.

Bella had made you pull over halfway home, scared the tears were clouding your vision. She was probably right, the road ahead did look quite blurry. You traded places and carried on towards home. She was talking to you but you weren't really listening, just watching the trees speed past in a blur, you were sure you could see other objects moving beside you through the trees just as fast, but blinked and they were gone.

-2 weeks later-

Grand Piano by Nicki Minaj blared through the speakers on repeat, you sat staring blankly at your sketchpad, no inspiration, no drive.. nothing. It had been like this for two weeks. Bella had apparently been the same, but you just couldn't shake it. You'd shut yourself off from everyone. Only coming out of your room to get food and use the bathroom. You felt numb.

You could tell your Mom and Charlie were starting to worry. They'd tried to talk to you, find out whats wrong. All they knew is someone broke your heart bad. You'd started having nightmares the first night you were without Carlisle. They felt like more than nightmares though, so vivid, almost like premonitions. You'd wake up still screaming in a cold sweat clutching your chest and crying. Crying for everything you lost when Carlisle let you go. You'd never been in love before and if it felt like this then you never wanted to be again. You didn't think you could love again.

You were spaced out, the music was still playing in the background but your mind was somewhere else, another thing that had been happening since the accident. You just went places, like you were daydreaming, lost in a trance. This time was different though. It was if you were actually there, watching things unfold, only when you came to you were in your bedroom, your paints scattered everywhere, your sketchbook now covered in imagery. You gasped and flew back from your desk, the page awash with shades of vibrant red and black. You gagged. Blood….. and a symbol, it was an emblem of some sort. You shook your head and closed the book on the now dry paints.

What the fuck.

It happened a few more times after that. The spacing out, coming back to earth having drawn on something or once, even scratched symbols into your desk. You'd practically stopped sleeping. Too many thoughts in your head. Even Bella was getting worried, she knew what it was like to spiral and you were doing it at 100mph. She’d suggested talking to Carlisle but you shouted at her for even bringing him up. He left you and hadn't made any attempt to contact or see you. Why give him the satisfaction.

You'd decided enough was enough. You had to start living your life again, or at least thats what you tried to tell yourself. Today you were going to see Seth. You’d become quite close friends with Seth since getting involved in the whole supernatural side of life but you'd been shutting him out for weeks, he knew what had happened with Mr I want to suck you blood, but he didn't ask questions, which you were grateful for. You thought it would do you some good to get outside and breath in the fresh air. You couldn't wallow in self pity any longer.

It felt weird to be in normal clothes rather than ratty old pyjamas. You parked up, jumping out of your car, slinging your backpack over your shoulder. You had brought your sketchbook with you, you didn't know who to talk to about these things, so you were going to show one to Seth, just to see if he recognised anything.

You couldn't help but breath deeply as the air floated off the salty sea and toward your face. You smiled as you watched Seth running down the beach. His boyish grin was charming and his smile grew as he got closer to you. He wrapped you in a hug and you hugged back desperate for a bit of normalcy.

“Hey Seth,” You grinned, thankful for a bit of human, well in this case werewolf, connection. Yeah you had Bella.. and Alice had tried to stop by from time to time, but at the minute they were just a constant reminder of him….

“Y/N! I missed you, things have been so strange without seeing you around ya know!” You bumped his shoulder as you walked down the beach. It had been strange. You'd moved to Forks, got involved with Vamps and the supernatural and in all this time you'd never had any normal time to yourself, or with a friend.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so distant, you know the whole…. thing…” He just nodded his head. You didn't have to explain, he was just happy you were there now.

You'd spent hours just walking and talking on the beach. While walking you had bumped into some of the others as well, Sam, Paul…. You got along with them too, but they had never agreed with your relationship. They seemed somewhat more comfortable around you now. Catching up was good, you felt a lot lighter when you walked, your heart a little less heavy, he was still in the back of your mind though, as much as you tried to think about anything else.

There was an abandoned fire pit a little further up from where you'd been talking with the others, logs surrounded the ashy mound, placed out like small earthy benches. You'd been collecting odd pieces of wood on the way, expecting to find it there. Yourself and Seth pilled the kindling high and he started a fire, he didn't really need to because of his heat, but it was still fun. As Seth continued the fire you reached around and grabbed your leather backpack, opening the zip and fishing inside for your paint covered sketchbook. He came to sit beside you as you started flicking through the pages. You tried to glance at him from the corner of your eye to read his expressions.

“Y/N, these are pretty amazing, and… somewhat scary…” He looked at the book and then back at you. “What are they?” His finger traced the images and the symbols.

You shook your head and flicked through the pages more rapidly. “I don't know S, I…if I tell you something you have to promise you wont tell anyone, not even Sam, not even Jake….” You gulped and looked up at him. He looked confused. You faltered a little, getting nervous you shut your book and started to shove it in your bag. “This was stupid, I should go…” You stood up trying to leave but Seth grabbed your hand.

“I wont tell, you can trust me I promise.” You relaxed, still hesitant, you sat back down. You took the sketchbook back out and went to the first page, tracing the symbols and images, remembering how clearly you had seen them in your mind.

“I drew these. But I didn’t, at the same time.” Seth just looked even more confused now. “I think…. I think something happened to me when I was bitten S…. Something I cant explain. This symbol, I drew this, sat at my desk, one minute the sky outside was light, the next thing I knew it was dark, and the once blank page was covered in all these drawings!” You flicked through the book and sighed placing your head in your hands. He probably thought you were crazy. You sure felt crazy.

You felt his hand rest on your back as you hunched over sighing. “Y/N I’m a wolf, The Cullen’s are Vampires… crazier things have happened, i’ve just never heard of this crazy happening yet….”

You peaked at him from your hands. “Do you know what any of the symbols mean? I see them in my dreams as well, it’s like i’m watching a movie in my head, it’s like I'm there but no one can hear me or see me.. It feels so real.” You sit up, flicking through the pages, before you can turn to the next, Seth’s hand comes flying down stopping the process as he points to one of the symbols.

“Y/N, I’ve seen that symbol before… I think it’s something to do with the cold ones.. the Volturi to be exact.” You groan. This cant be fucking happening. Not only were you dumped now you were having freaky Volturi dreams as well? You searched in your bag for your cigarettes, you held the packet out to Seth and he surprisingly took one. You grinned.

“Wow Sethy never took you for the rebel type.” He ruffled your hair and you shoved him. “Seriously though what am I going to do, this shouldn't be happening i’m human, I didn't turn, Carlisle made sure of that.” You couldn't hide the bitter tone in your voice.

“I don’t know what it means Y/N, but I promise we will figure it out.. cant you talk to Cull…” You glared at him before he could finish his sentence. “Never mind, stupid idea, ignore me.” You laughed and you both carried on looking through the book. What the hell did this mean?

It was late now, Seth walked you to your car, his body still close to keep you warm, the sea breeze now icy cold on your skin. You sighed, part of you didn't want to leave, it was the first kind of normal you'd felt in a really long time, even before coming to Forks. Life in your old place had been really hard, You didn't fit in anywhere, you could count your friends on one hand and you had a strange relationship with your bio dad. You thought things would get easier, Forks had the smallest population and yet you managed to find yourself smack bang in the middle of all this drama, you'd thank Bella for that later. You thought it would be easier living here, maybe you were wrong.

You turned, looking at Seth as you reached your car, you were about to tell him you'd had a nice time, ask him if he wanted to hang out again soon, but you couldn't speak. The waves sounded louder, the air around you felt thicker and you couldn't breath. You could hear Seth’s muffled voice in the background somewhere and a pair of arms shaking you but in your head you were somewhere else entirely.

Cloaks of black floating across the white pearlescent snow, rivers of red blood flowing all around. Wicked eyes staring into yours, and then pain.

You screamed and grabbed your head, it felt like someone had jabbed it with a white hot poker. Images flashed before your eyes, Volturi, Snow, Red, Carlisle. You gagged, so much blood, so much pain. Then, nothing.

Your mind went dark, no images now, no sound, just the sharp ache as you feel your body shut down and hit the solid ground, then the coldness surrounded you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey guys! I’m sorry it took so long for me to post another part! Hope you enjoy reading x Please comment if you'd like to be tagged!

PT 5 -------- HERE

@sagittarius-flowerchild

@thechangingcolourswithinthewoods

@scream-kiwi79

@kettnerjanea

@caraboo15

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happys-crazy-queen22 · 5 years ago

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Title: Road Trip

Gif credit @spuhuras

First twilight imagine. First Sam Uley imagine. I hope you all enjoy.

It's a little smutty.

Happy reading dollies

Feedback is greatly appreciated ❤

BEEP BEEP!!

As you were packing up snacks for the trip you heard a loud honking outside. The pack ran through the house to see what it was all about and you followed.

There was a RV parked in the drive way. Sam and Edward came out both with smiles on their faces.

"What's going on? We were supposed to be going on a little road trip just you and me".

"We'll, we thought why not take a family vacation together". Edward told you and the pack.

"Are you all going to behave and not threaten or kill each other"?

"We'll be fine". Sam came and scooped you up planting a kiss to your lips.

"I like the idea that all of us are going but how are we supposed to have alone time"?

"I'm driving so you can ride up front with me".

"That's not what I meant Sam Uley". You say sternly.

"Oh. Ooh. We'll figure out something". He quickly kissed your lips, put you down and ran inside grabbing the snacks and heading on the bus.

"Wonderful". Frowning as you got on the bus, Sam patting the passenger seat up front with him.

Taking a seat beside him, you got comfortable since it may be a long trip cause you had no idea where you were going. Everyone piled on the bus. The whole Cullen family and the pack. There was hardly any room to move but they all were happy to be together. Kinda weird if you asked anyone that knew them.

About fifty miles into the road trip you got this surge of sexual excitement. It came out of no where and that's why you wanted to be alone with Sam. It's been happening from a month now. You didn't know what was happening to you.

"Sam"? You whispered looking in the back. Knowing the Cullens and the pack had such great hearing and could read minds you had to be sneaky.

"Sam"?

"Yeah, babe"? He didn't take his eyes off the road.

"I'm horny". You purred. He blinked his eyes at you, like he was processing what you told him.

"Now"?

"Yes. If you didn't invite the families you would be balls deep in me right about now". You moaned just thinking of the idea of Sam pounding into you.

"I love you but you really need to control yourself at the moment". He scorned you. You huffed, crossing your arms and slouching in your chair.

"Fine. I'll go see what the guys are up to".

Sam shook his head. He wanted you just as badly but he knew how to control his urges.

Walking back to the back of the bus. Edward came up to you. "Hey, sorry if we ruined your getaway week".

"No, it's okay. We can do it another time". You told him with a slight smile.

"I'll make sure you two get some alone time. I know that's what you wanted since you cant get it when the tribe is around".

"You really need to stay out of my mind, Edward. It's not nice". You laugh.

"Actually, it was in Sams mind. He can't stop thinking about it. It's really disturbing what all he's thinking about, to be honest".

"How are you in his mind without him knowing"?

"He's distracted with driving and the scenes he's picturing".

"Can you tell me what he's picturing up? Please"?

"I'm not giving you a mental picture. I'm not your porn source".

"Oh so that's what kinda stuff he's thinking of". You bit your bottom lip.

"That's my Sam alright. He's alittle freaky in bed. May not show it as a alpha but when he's in bed he is way alpha-yer". You laughed as you made up a word to describe Sam in bed.

"Yeah, I didn't need to know that". Edward scrunched up his eye brows.

"So, where are we going"? You thought why not ask someone else and they may tell you.

"It's a surprise".

"If you want to give me a surprise Edward, give me Sam, a room and have Sam give me tons of orgasms then that would be the best surprise you could ever give me". Edward chuckled but you were dead serious.

"I think we should go to our seats before you tell me actually what Sam does in bed".

"I can tell you. Maybe you'll learn a thing or two". You giggled as you walked passed Edward.

"Hey now". He chuckled shaking his head going back to Bella. Who heard everything and was quietly giggling to herself.

Getting back to your seat, Sam was still in drivers mode which annoyed you.

"Where are we going"?

"I'm not telling you so stop asking. You'll love it, I promise".

"Fine". You chewed the corner of the inside of your cheek. Getting a idea that Sam would love and hate.

Seaching for the RV guide to see if there was a door or curtain to close you off from the others. And there was. The divider was in the wall and you found it easily closing you off.

"What are you doing"? Sam asked confused.

"Just watch the road and enjoy". You seductively said getting down on your knees beside him. Undoing his belt and pants. You slid your hand in his boxers pulling out his cock. Running your tongue from the base to the tip. Sam shivered as you did so.

"Stop. Someone's going to catch us".

"You really want me to stop"?

"Yeah, we have too".

"Well, someone has a mind of his own". You kissed his cock as it grew in your hand.

You wrapped your hands and mouth about his cock, sucking him off. Swirling your tongue over this tip licking up his pre-cum that was oozing out.

"Shit. Don't stop". Sam moaned throwing his head back.

"Sam, road". You giggled as Sam jerked the bus back on the road, growling at you.

You went back to stroking and bobbing your head. Taking him down your throat, gagging a little as he hit the back of your throat. Sam closed his eyes tightly trying not to cum right away, he didn't want you to stop.

"Road, Sam". You said with a pop of his cock. He jerked the wheel back in place. Rubbing his eyes. You continued you tease and suck him, he tried his darnest to keep his eye on the road.

Meanwhile in the back of the bus, everyone was holding on. They didnt know if they would get thrown one way or the other. All of them confused except Edward, he was giggling heavily his face looked as if it got heated from the laugh.

"What the hell is going on"? Jacob cussed as he was forced on to Paul as Sam jerked the wheel again.

"Maybe he's dodging pot holes"? Esme suggested, shrugging her shoulders.

"Maybe. I'll go check". Jacob got up from his seat.

"I wouldn't do that". Edward warned but Jacob shrugged it off and opened the divider coming to a scene he never wanted imprinted in his brain.

Sam was a moaning, groaning mess under your touch. He bucked his hips when he could without slowing down the bus. You sped up your bobbing and pumping him. He was close to coming and felt it as he tensed up.

"You going to cum for me baby"? You purred as his face turned beet red. He nodded with a grunt. You wrapped your mouth around his cock and he exploded down your throat. The warm liquid slipped down your throat with ease, you hungrily swallowed it down.

"Fuck". He cursed under his breath.

You both were so caught up between sucking and coming that you didn't hear Jacob freak out.

"Oh god. My eyes". Jacob screamed shutting the divider.

You giggled as you wiped your mouth going back to your seat. Sam panicked and fastened his belt and pants. Wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.

"That was fun". You say with a smirk.

Sam growled giving you the evil eye. "It's not funny".

"Stop pouting. We had a good time. It's his fault for coming in without knocking".

Sam rolled his eyes and turned on the turn signal as he pulled into a gas station. Coming to a stop. The buses door swung open and Jacob ran off. The pack laughing at him.

"What happened"? Bella asked as she got off the bus.

"Jacob saw something for mature eyes only". Edward chuckled as Bella caught on.

Sam and you got off the bus, eyes were on you two. "So dodge many pot holes lately"? Emmett asked with a snicker getting a slap from Alice.

"Does everyone know"? Sam blushed.

"We have a pretty good idea but we'd like for you to tell us". Emmett opened his mouth again but instead of Alice slapping him Rosalie did it.

"Shut up, Emmett". You told him.

"I told you we should stop, now everyone is making jokes". Sam was embarrassed.

"Who cares. I bet everyone here has been in the same position we are right now. I don't care. I liked what I did and I would do it again. If you dont want to be with someone that does stuff like that then we need to break up right now".

Sam stayed quiet. You threw your arms up in frustration walking away.

"We've all be there, Sam. Dont worry". Carlisle reassured Sam. Emmett nodded with agreement.

"Should I apologize"?

"I would if you ever want that to happen again".

Sam took of running after you. He found you in the woods beside the gas station playing with a twig.

"I'm sorry". Sam came up behind you spooking you.

"I just don't know why you got so mad".

"I was more embarrassed. Jacob saw. Im supposed to be the alpha not some teenager getting caught fooling around with his girlfriend".

"I'm your girlfriend and imprint we can do whatever we want. Who cares who sees or what they think. I love you and I'm going to show you how I feel".

Sam smiled wrapping his arms around you engulfing you in a warm hug. "I love you and I'm sorry that I got them to come with us but I had my reason".

"What crazy reason was that"?

Sam pulled away making you whimper as the cool air hit you. He pulled put a box and got down on one knee in front of you.

"I love you and I wanted the people most important in your life to see this moment. Y/N Swan will you marry me"? Sam asked. You heard twigs breaking around you as the families circled around you. Bella had her phone with your dad video chatting since he had to work.

"God, you're amazing. Yes, Sam Uley I will marry you". You pulled him up by his face, your hands cupping his face bringing him to your lips kissing all over his face.

"I love you, I love you". Sam took your hand and slid the ring on your ring finger.

"I love you more". His kissed your lips softly.

"Congratulations guys". You heard your dad over the explosions in your head as you were kissing Sam. And also something about road safety.

"Thanks. Thanks everyone for being here. It means alot. Sorry I was rude for not wanting you all to come".

"That's okay. We know how it is when you find someone you can't get enough of". Bella and Edward kissed. Emse and Carlisle kissed. Jasper and Alice kissed. Emmett and Rosalie kissed. The packed just looked at each other and nodded. They all knew what you were going through. Finding that special someone is hard but when you do you want to do everything together even if you get caught in the act.

"Sorry to break up this moment but we need to get going. I promised Y/N that Sam would give her tons of orgasms so I'm driving and they can have the back bedroom". Edward spoke up and getting the keys from Sam. Everyone laughed awkwardly.

"Really, Edward? Really"?

Sam buried his face in your neck with a groan that turned into laughing. You giggled at how subtle Edward was.

This was going to be a very interesting road trip.

#sam uley x reader #sam uley #sam uley fanfiction #sam uley imagine #twilight smut #twilight #twilight fanfiction #twilight wolf pack #twilight wolves #twilight imagine #happys crazy queen22 #sam uley smut

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teamjacobthot · 5 years ago

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twilight saga character tag!

thank you sm @softtwihoe for tagging me <3 i feel like im still new to the renaissance fandom on tumblr even tho i never stopped being a twihard so shit like this warms my heart <3

now my spicy twilight takes………………...

1. Character you find most relatable to you as a person?

the love of my life, without a doubt, 100% leah clearwater. mfs tried to make her feel bad for feeling her feelings but she was valid in all of them. also its canon that shes a scorpio but yall aint hear it from me

rosalie bc we have similar trauma (lmao :/) and like to disagree with people. i also love big dumb men

edward. as a fellow whiny musical pissbaby who cant let shit go, i get it

2. Character that didn’t have a POV in the books or certain unfinished manuscripts, but you wish did?

ok maybe this is super underground but sue!!! mf!!! clearwater!!! she had allllllll the tea on the pack and tbh i really wanted to see how she and her family were before and after harry’s death. that event was a really big deal (outside of just bella and edward) and set shit OFF in new moon

billy bc he also had hella tea and i bet he was super fucking conflicted during the ENTIRE saga bc he couldnt say shit to charlie!!! that shit sounds rough!!!!!

quil bc he was the last to phase and i just wanna know what he was going thru. he would’ve had hellaaaaa jokes too but smeyer doesnt care abt nonwhite characters so :/

charlie, assuming he supports the black lives matter movement

i guess overall i just wanna know how EVERYONE was doing in new moon bc that story ran DEEP. i want a midnight sun for new moon but for every character

nobody asked but new moon is the best in the saga and new moon stans have the best pussy

3. Character that’s underrated and deserves more recognition?

the entire wolf pack but wbk

riley but tbh i think its bc i just loved xavier samuel in the eclipse movie

the denali coven!!!! their story was incredible imo and while irina was a snitch, i understand why she snitched. she didnt deserve to die. the denalis deserve so much better and while garrett is cool to have around, that doesnt fill the void that irina left bc the volturi decided to be a bunch of haters. i want them to heal so bad.

tanya gets a bad rep for having a crush on edward but she deserves better too

i’d like to read abt the vacations that the denalis with the cullens too

oh and all thats just BESIDES the succubus legend that tanya and kate and irina started in canon!!!!!!!! like??????????????????? they fucked and killed human men??????????? thats the story i wanna READ bitch!!!! thats my jennifer’s body (2009) fantasy!!!!! smeyer is a coward tho

btw carmen and esme are girlfriends :)

4. Character you thought was unnecessary for the story?

ok besides the obvious, and nobody drag me for it, but bree tanner. I get she was there to show us how fucked up the volturi are and to sorta predict bella as a newborn but……...we already knew the volturi kill mfs just for fun. if the cullens werent gonna adopt her we really didnt need many details on her. and regarding the newborn thing, bree’s role as a newborn didnt really mean shit bc bella ended up being ~the perfect newborn~ anyway!!!! smeyer tried to sell us the short second life of bree tanner as if there arent other worthy characters of having a spinoff novella about like leah or seth or rosalie or emmett or charlie or resume from bella’s ovary. that being said………..

resume, for multiple reasons including:

resume literally shouldnt exist. vampires shouldnt be able to have working sperm and even then, edward shouldve pulled out. he could barely even tongue kiss bella so wtf made him think he could cum in her????? whyyy didnt he use his big vampire brain to consider that?????

resume seemed totally unwanted and unthought of??? bella and edward were so mf absorbed in each other like regular teen couples (with 1000x the intensity but still) that it didnt seem likely that theyd want a baby after fucking like three times anyway. miss bella “fuck them kids” swan also gave no indication of wanting children. ever. EYE would have simply aborted and went on to live my best vampire life :)

resumes existence defeats the purpose of imprinting bc theres no way she’d be able to conceive with jacob. at all. but we know smeyer doesnt think shit through

smeyer writing in resume ruined jacobs character even more esp coming off the shitshow that was eclipse. periodt

5. Top 5 female characters?

leah <3

rosalie

bella

sue

angela

6. Top 5 male characters?

jacob (pre-eclipse but that’s implied)

emmett

seth

quil/paul (i love them equally)

edward’s dumb ass <3 sometimes

7. Character interaction that didn’t happen but you wish it did?

rosalie and edward but only under the condition that he finally stops being a misogynistic pissbaby towards her and accepts her for the sexy legend that she is. i feel like they’d get along well but smeyer is anti-hottie and anti-talent so i guess we’ll never know :/

leah and someone who loves her and respects her and validates her feelings :)

JACOB AND HIS SISTERS. OR EVEN JUST RACHEL. she literallyyyyyyyyyy came home after YEARS in breaking dawn but he was too busy simping over bella to acknowledge her??? huh???

bella and a licensed therapist

edward and a licensed therapist

8. Character that deserves more development?

the whole entire wolf pack but wbk

more specifically, embry. whooooom is his father???

emmett. like we get it hes funny and hot but like……….spare depth maam? any spare depth????

9. Character who is your total opposite?

jasper bc he fought for people who look like me to be ENSLAVED and the fandom lets it slide for whatever reason :|

10. Character you warmed up to after experiencing the Renaissance?

edward, in some ways. i relate to him when im feeling extra self-loathing but then i get over it lmao. he’s still stupid tho

i used to think alice was annoying af (and i still kinda do tbh) but as a fashion hoe, i get it

charlie, sorta, even tho he’s a cop. i wasnt there for the original conversation on here but do yall think he supports black lives matter? idk tbh but we’ll never know bc smeyer probably doesnt know what police brutality is. anyways ive really enjoyed the discourse on his relationship with bella and how he doesnt trust edward

jacob <3 he’s always been my heart, my soul, my baby, my fuckin cinnamon apple, etc. but i love the posts that other fans/nonhaters have been making abt how warm and kind he was before smeyer fucked him over and how he deserves so much better. its like yes im glad youre seeing all the things that make me a team jacob thot :)

idk if yall have already been tagged but im tagging @howlonghaveyoubeenseventeen @leahclearwaterdefensesquad @leahclearvvater and @bellas-dumptruck-ass! also anyone can fill this out and say i tagged them <3

#this took 3 times to post bc tumblr stays on my neck but #ask things #twilight saga #twilight renaissance #hot takes

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jedward5ever · 4 years ago

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Jacob and Edward

hey guys. just a little something. Jacob and Edward if you’re into that.

setting: cullen’s house they’re studying or smthn bella hasnt moved in yet

edward: so what did you get for number 5?

Jacob: uhhhhh…..i didnt do it

edward: ok. why?

Jacob: i don't really get this whole math thing...can u explain?

e: oh that’s okay. well first of all this is biology. so in question 5 they’re asking what is the first step of glycolysis, do you know what glycolysis is?

J: uhhhhh i turn into a wolf sometimes

e: *startled, looks away.* uh? ok well glycolysis is basically when glucose is split (glucose is sugar and like……. sweet) and the final product is two pyruvate molecules

J: *turns into a wolf* aaaaawooooooooooooo

e: *slaps him across the wolf face, once then twice* what the FUCK are you doing. you cant do ths in my house and u broke my antique glass table i stole from bulgaria

J: *turns back into a person* sorry bro i do that sometimes when im nervous

e: ………. *lights down spotlight on edward for brief monologue* i… i feel so guilty i slapped him to be or not to be? then i should aboiplogize *lgihts back on*... hey jacob im sorry is lapped u….. why r u nervous’

J: its ok bro…..im nervous bc...no i cant say it...its embarrassing

e: *caresses jacobs’ face where he slapped him* its ok. im sorry. sometimes i let my anger get the better of me

J: its ok ...its just that….i..i….

e: *starts getting mad* speak the fuck up. what are u saying

J: *mumbles something*

e: *starts meditating to calm down* what.

J: i said…..i….l...ll

e: WHAT YOU STUPID MUTT

j:......i….love……

e: what the fuck r u trying to say *flexes his hands ina nger*

J: i love y- *dies of unknown cause*

e: Hi, I’m edward cullen. im trained in first aid. can i help u? *no answer* hello? are you awake? bystander *points to alice* please contact ems adn let them know someone is about to be Turned *bites jacob*

J: *becomes a vampire but also still werewolf* bro……

e: ok. so do you understand glycolysis now?

J: yeah i do thanks bro that helped a lot

e: no problem, now onto question 6. wait. this isn’t a bio question. it says…. no i can’t read this filth

J: what does it say man

e: it… it *face turns red then green then purple* it…. ugh this is disgusting. you read it

J: i didnt want to tell u this bc i thought you would make fun of me but…..i cant read...

e: u fucking illiterate bastard. fine ill read it *clears throat* fuck i didnt copy pzste it hold on

Lmssoaooao dw ok it wont let me but *jacob x edward fanfiction*

LAMOAOAK

J: dude…...thats in the textbook????

e: yeah. its fucking disgusting. how did they know everything about us… actually wait it look s like someone wrote this by hand…

J: thats so weird…..who would have done that….so gross….

e: lemme check whose textbook this is. *flips to front*................................................................. *looks up at jacob with golden orbs and squints his eyes* it says its ur textbook

J: thats c-c-crazy bro ,,,,, i cant even read hahaha how could i write that hahaha

e:....... you fucking liar. yeah u can read. is this seriously how u thin k of me? of us? ur sick in the fucking head. i woulc neve.r;..... never fucking do that with u

J:....is that...is that realy how you feel?

e: *inexplicable rage* obviously u weirdo stupid werewolf dog *starts choking jacob*

J: *actually likes being choked* oh no…..oh no…..don't do this…. e: *notices hes into it* AHRHGHGHHGHGHHG (in rage) *choke slams him into the broken glass table* YOURE SO GROSS

J: *thinks* he will never love me the way i love him...maybe i should just end it all…..

e: *freeze frame…. lights down spotlight on edward again... monoglogu* wait…. what the fuck……… is that smell? i just realized i cannot read his mind? what the fuck is going on…………. *slideshow in the background with informational voice: it turns out that one of jacob’s sperm containing renesemee was i dont know hanging out which was already pyscihologucally connected to bella and stole bella’s power of smelling good and no thoughts then transferred it to jacob making him have those powers* *spotlight end* jacob…….. why the fuck…. cant i read ur mind… why do u smell so good…

J: i didnt know u could read minds….maybe i just don't have thoughts…..

e: everyone has fucking thoughts.l…… but i cant… read urs…

J: i don't know…….has that ever happened before?

e: no… *intense eye contact*

J; *blushes and looks down* im sorry im different

e: *looks away cus jacob looked away, then accidentally looks down* bro… is that….

J: no bro… its not what it looks like!!!

e: *stares at him then throws up to the side* i cant believe this… ur a nasty dog but i cant help but feel….. attracted to u

J: youre...attracted to me……

e: I dnt’ know why……. dont worry i cant get it up i have no blood

J: wait….we cant fuck??? Im out of here *turns to leave*

e: wait. there is a way…… *flashback on the slideshow to when edeawrd drank jacobs blodo to vampirize him this slideshow is viewable by edward and jacob*

J: well tell me,,,how do we fuck?????

e: u tell me

J: i don't know youve been a vampire longer than i have

e: bruh. so????? i follow the christian beliefs

J: stupid idiot we cant fuck then

e: *looks away* i guess. not like i wanted to anyways

J: you know what? I don't have to deal with this *turns to leave* call me when you want some dick

e: *when jacob is more than like 10m away suddenly intense pain hits them both* theres… something i forgot to tell u. when i vampirized u….. iut basically means ur bonded to me for like 1 month….

J: so youre telling me….im stuck with u for a month….and we cant fuck

e: well yeah more or less

the end

BREAKOUT ROOMS ENDED CLASS IS OVER LMAAOAOAOAGood rp bro SUCH A GOOD CLASS i agreed exactly to be continued

LOL EXCELLENT STORY it was honestly amazing great twists and turns, the tensini was high cant wait to see where this goes hope rob enjoys <3

setting: school assembly, principal andrew is doing a presentation on how to stay safe from these mysterious killings….. (vampires and werewolfs)

jacob and edward sit next to each other cus they cant be 10m apart.

e: ugh. u again.

J: stop talking as if this isnt ur fault

e: *whispering* ur the one who fucking died for no reason

J: ok and?? You didnt have to bring me back

e: *roll eyes* u know exactly why i had to

J:.........what do you mean…….

e: *looks at him with golden orbs then looks away* shut up. principal andrew is talking..

J: *is listening to every word andrew says bc he is so amazing but keeps looking at edward*......

e: * is listening and doesn’t notice j acob looking at him, then speaks to jacob without looking at him* look… they’re talking about killings… is this ur fucking tribe’s doing?

J: what the fuck no way its your stupid fucking family we keep our end of the agreement

e: *inhales sharply, then grips jacob’s leg with vampire strengthz* dont u fucking talk about my family like that u stupid mutt *people begin looking in their direction*

J: *is kind of turned on but would never admit it* stop being fucking gay people are staring

e: *notices people are staring and releases jacob, embarrassedly* just shut the fuck up and listen. *andrew begins talking about A CURFEW… they cannot leave their houses or some shit like basically e and j have to be together*

J:wait….how the fuck are we supposed to stay in our houses if we cant be away from each other….im not about to live with your weird incest family…

e: *enraged again, grabs the back of jacob’s neck at the pressure point* what the fuck. did. i say. about. talking. shit. about. my family. take that back right fucking now

J: *smirks* what are you gonna do about it…..be more gay?

e: *even more rage* i am not fucking gay —- cut off by andrew: Edward, Jacob, what the fuck are yall doing? *everyone turns to look, spotlight on them*

J: im sorry mr andrew….its just that edward attacked me…..hes so in love with me and he keeps assaulting me...im not gay though

andrew: oh thank god (he thought they were gay). edward, jacob immediately separate.

J:uhhhhhhhh i think we have to talk though…..sort this out with words…

e: *is extremely embarrassed to have everyones attention on him* Yes sir, andrew. i mean principal andrew. *grabs jacob by the scruff of his neck and drags him to the hallway and then slams him in to the lockers like bullies in the 80s* why the FUCK did u embarass me like that

J: bro you embarrassed urself…..you were all over me….just say youre into me itll be easier for both of us

e: ALL OVER YOU? *slams him again*

J:yeah like ur all ove me right now you cant keep your cold dead hands off of me

e: *moves back as if burned, walking away backwards while also throwing up, but then he is too far and they are both in intense pain*

J: dude calm down lets talk about this shit….we gotta make a plan

e: *refusing to come closer, so still are in pain* …...plan… for … what

J: the fucking…..cerfew…. Idiot…. Come back…..

e: *doesn’t come back, vomits once more* no… u fucking… smell…. what do … u mean…. the curfew…

J: were you not….listening to andrew… we have to stay inside our houses….but how can we do that if we cant be apart from each other

e: *looks away angrily* ….. we… will have to… stay apart… in pain… i guess…

J: you’re so fucking stubborn you did this to me and now youre making me suffer too

e: … i… don’t… care…. *walks even further, causing them more pain*

J: were only like 20m apart….and it already feels like this…..you think we can handle more thN THIs forever???? Youre so fucking stupid

e: *glares at him but doesnt come closer* shut. the … fuck up…. you fucking…. dog…

J: *steps closer* make...me…..

e: *doesn’t see him coming cus eyes are closed* shut…. up… stop… talking…

J: *steps closer* i said…...make….me

a/n: how fucking close are they now huh uhh like 3 ft apart ok

e: *smells jakob cus he stinks and opens eyes* GET AWAY FROM ME

J: make me *smirks*

a/n: LMFAO THANKS i need to formulate a perfect response lemmet hink of course take all the time you need

e: what the fuck do you mean make me? i will launch u across this hallway wolf boy

J: do it then…..

e: *grabs him by the neck again and slings him*

J: *dies*

e: *notices.( a/n: sigh) spotlight… on …. edward… monoglogue: i-........i cant believe i fucking killed him again…. the pain is gone but… literally wtf….. i…. grrr. *edward looks into the distance, pondering. then silently goes to jacob.* i have to save him. *begins cpr and mouth to mouth breathing*

J: *was never actually dead only pretending like romeo and juliet* *smirks*

a/n: I FUCKING KNEW IT LOL

e: *notices the smirk, then realizes he was alive the whole time* what the FUCK jacob? *slaps him across the face* you dirty bastard

a/n KALMASKDAOJDIJDOASOISO

J: so i guess you don't hate me that much huh?

e: *slaps him again* i thought you fucking died. i couldn’t let andrew discover a dead body in the hallway. and. and anyway i was going to eat you afterwards so yeah take that

J: yeah thats so believable…… just say you love me...i wont judge you *gay slur*

e: *is about to rage again* im literally. fucking straight. i love…. va-vgagag gaggaga *starts vomiting* WHAT THE FUCK DO U WANT FROM ME

a/n IM CRYING HAHA

J: dude...its 2020...its ok to be gay...you don't have to pretend to be someone youre not,,,, i aceppt you

e: *once again, he can’t help but be attracted to jacob bc of the science i explained in the previous thing, stares depeply into jacob’s orbs* what… do… you… want… from …. me … u fucking… dog

J: *stares back into edwards orbs* i just….i just want you to be happy…

e: *looks away* i am… happy. away from you.

J: *looks away from edward looking away* if thats really how you feel…...fine...ill take the pain….

e: *once a fucking gain. spotlight. monologue* in all my 118 years…. ive caused so much pain and destruction… should i really put this on poor jacob’ why did i see children see i mean sayy omg on poor jacob’s shoulders. no i cant.* no. no. we can. stay together. *teeth clenched* for. the curse, of course. so. you don’t have pain. not that. i . like u.

a/n TEARS MAN WHY IS EDWARD A TSUNDERE I DONT KNOW

J: fine...for the curse….whatever helps you sleep at night..

e: *touches jacob’s shoulder (only cus theyre so close) and pushes him back* yeah. you can stay at. my house. i guess

a/n: (u have to say no so ed goes to jacobs werewolf hq)

J: no way i cant be around all those incesty vampires its creepy as fuck you come to my place

e: *gasp* what the fuck. youre literally a VAMPIRE too. i…. i dont wanna go to ur place…

J: physically im a vampire but mentally im still a wolf and i will not be around so many dead sister fuckers

e: ….. i don’t wanna be around u stinky werewolves…. Unless….no.

J: what man???

e: *is disgusted firstly, by werewolves, and the way jacob speaks so heterosexually irks him* nothing. can’t we, like. get a hotel room.

J: that might not be a bad idea…..but im poor remember

e: *facepalms then says annoyedly* fine. we’ll go to ur fucking wolf den. but u have to make it up to me.

J: ……...how?

e: *rolls eyes* i don;’t fucking know. u tell me. it better be good cus i will never get that werewolf smell off of me.

J: i mean…...we could like…..if youre down…….

e: *squints at him* what.

J: we could……..you know…. ..

e: *understands, slaps him across the face for millionth time poor jacob probably has permanent hand prints* EW.

J: like i don't want to because im not gay but id do it for you

e: … you know. i used to be able to read ur mind up until a few weeks ago. so i do know what the fuck u thought of me…. what u thought—- *nearly vomits again*

J: but that was a long time ago...before we got close….now you made me straight

e: *extremely offended* what the fuck? you dont think im hot anymore?

J: why does it matter???? Youre not gay right

e: *hits him again* im not FUCKING gay. and it matters. b ecause, because,m because because because bcuae buse bcueacuab euacaubeucae BECAUSE. everyone thinks im hot. and if ur around him[edward] for the next month, u also need tot hink im hot.

a/n wtf is him oh of course a/n: edward is refering tohimself in third person

J: maybe if you were nicer to me id like you more...stop fucking hitting me and vomitting

a/n: lAMFPAOO,FP

e: *looks away in shame, then sighs shakily brings his cold vampirical hands to jacob’s bruised face* look. my hands. are so.. fucking cold they will heal ur bruies *doesnt look him in the eyes*

a/n HYDUHFUIEHWOIHOIDW

J: *doesnt make eye contact* thanks….i guess…

e: *keeps using vampircal cold hands to heal, then they accidentally make eye contact, edward looks away*

J: you don't have to look away…..

e: *glares back at him just to prove a point* fine.

J: *stares into edwards orbs with kindness and love* ……….

e: *stares back and recognizes what jacob is feeling, whispers* ur fucking gay

J: maybe…..but so are you…….

END

BREAKOUT ROOM ENDINGWHY THEY HAVE A COUNTDOWN. OK THIS SCENE ENDS HERE NEXT IS JACOB’S HOUSE ok it was really good today honestly excellent a/n are a perfect edditon except im losing my ability to type and spell we at 3k words BRUH LMOAAOAOA i love us ok bye

dun dun dun dun (tear in my heart). LMAO listening to it oh good u start bruh its ur hosue

setting: jacob’s den thing, also we need to have my immortal descriptions

J: so make yourself at home i guess…..

e: *carrying black bag with mcr pins on it , looks around in disgust* ….. u live like this?

J: yeah man sorry im not rich like you are

e: *is definitely thinking something offensive towards native people but disguised as against werewolves as stephanie meyer always does* ok…. so where am i sleeping..

a/n HUIHBUFOEWGEUI did i lie absolutely not

J;well like……...theres only one bed…

e: *mutters* could this get any more cliche. *notmutter* k. well im definitely not sleeping next to you. mind if i amazon prime a (whatever those fake small bed things are called)

J: if you want but theres not much room,,,,whatever,,,,,,*is disappointed*

e: *ignores jacob, typing on his phone to order the thing*

(Now Jacob’s family comes in I forgot their names but they’re here) billy is dad i think

J: oh hey guys this is edward he has to stay for a bit

Billy: *smells his ugly vampire smell* did you bring one of them….into my home????

edward: *visibly uncomfortable and surrounded by the werewolves, whispers to jacob* what the fuck… i didn’t know your whole pack was gonna be here…

J: *whispers back* this is our headquarters man….i didnt think theyd be so early thought *soeaks to fam* im sorry but a lot has happened….its necessary

a/n: k so im billy now? If u want

billy: *stares at edward for a while, assessing him.*

edward: …

billy: *sniffs him, then decides its ok* well then. if you say so jakey boy *claps edward on the shoulder* no biting ok?

edward: .

J: haha yeah….so were gonna go to my room now…..come on lets go

e: *glad to leave* yeah lets go right now

(The fam watches them go and its so awkward)

(in jacobs room)

J: so that was terrible but we’ll just stay up here as much as possible so that doesnt happen again

e: ugh that was so embarrassing… that was like when i introduced my ex gf to my family…. *realizes what he said* EW , not that WE are like that cus ewww gross *slaps jacob out of embarrassment*

a/n HAHAHAHAHA

J: *uncomfortable bc was slapped but also jealous of ex and sad ed don't like him like that* no man i get it….it happens all the time...cuz i bring so many chicks back here...not that we’re like that…..

e: yeah, obviously. *hand twitches in urge to slap him, but stops himself…. is upset because jacob brings back so many bitches and is jealous. so he goes to face the wall in anger* i need to ….. do./.. my chemistry homework

J: yeah whatever...i gotta do stuff too,,,,,im really busy….*looks down*

e: *is doing the chemistry homework standing up and super fast cus he’s been to high school for over 100 years, mutters* this is so easy ugh

J: why are you even in school anyways like you could be anywhere why do you want to learn the same shit over and over again

e: ………..Well if you woudl really like to know, it’s not the same thing over and over again. the school system has changed a lot since 1918 so it is actually pretty refreshing. i also like seeing how the trends change but are basically the same so yeah i do enjoy going to school, i don’t wanna work everyday because that’s different everyday plus school is easy for me and i get so many bitches cus im sexy.

J: yeah thats cool i guess *mad bc he gets so man bitches* but like if you get so many bitches...where are they???? Why do you hangout with me all the time???

e: *slaps jacob* BECAUSE IF WE ARENT CLOSE TOGETHER WE WILL FUCKING DIE DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE CURSE OR SOMETHING

J: THE CURSE DOESN’T STOP YOU FROM HAVING BITCHES THO…..ITS ALMOST LIKE UR A FUCKING LIAR

e: *gasps, backhand slap now* OF COURSE I HAVE BITCHES. DID YOU FORGET I CAN READ MINDS. EVEN TEACHERS WANT ME. AND I KNOW THAT YOU DID TOO, AT one ponitn… .gerkgorjgopjfpwjgwprjgpwojgwo *slaps jacob again so he can’t see that edward is blushing*

J: yeah i did like you…….*turns away so edward doesnt see him cry*

e: *not even looking in his direction cause he’s embarrassed* um. ….. *stomach growl*.... oh….

J: oh do you need some fucking blood or something

e: *disgusted that he is being perceived* ugh. im a vegetarian, so i need to…. go hunting… probably

(but they on sacred land or smthn)

J: first of all thats not what vegetarian means idiot and second of all you cant fucking hunt here its sacred and so are all the animals that live here….so now what???

e: *rolls eyes and is for sure thinking racist things* ugh. lemme call alice maybe she can bring me some stored blood… *calls but there’s no service* what the FUCK…. i hate this place… lemme amazon prime some blood…

J: oh sorry you cant ubereats your fucking blood...and youre so addicted to your phone...maybe try living in the moment lke the rest of the world

e: *zones out for a second at the mention of ike aka the character someone in kelvin yo’s story plays in super smash bros, then jolts back to reality* i am living in the moment. you know whats happening in this moment? im fucking hungry bruh and i need blood. so u better get me some before i fucking start feeding and then ur dads gonna be mad

J: you. Cant. feed. Here. why is that so hard to understand….lets just fucking leave and you can go hunt or whatever

e: *eyes flash with anger and turn whatever the colour is when they are hungry* im. hungry. NOW. *starts doing whatever hungry vampires do like intense breathing*

J: dude…..calm down….*nervous*....we’ll get you some blood or whatever *backs into a wall*

e: don’t tell me to fucking calm down *supa hungry rn, then attacks jacob by slamming him OUT of the wall, yeah u read that right, the wall is broken now how sad* GIMME BLOODDDDDD *edward tries to bite jacob*

J: BRUH U BROKE MY FUKING HOUSE…..AND I DON'T HAVE BLOOD IM A FUCKING VAMPIRE TOO REMEBER??????? I CANT HELP U

e: *too hangry to hear him, bites into jacob’s neck with his fangs. out of his neck comes this disgusting sloshy black thing cus he no have blood* UGH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS YOU TASTE DISGUSTING *spits it out onto the grass, then sees its black and calms down* waht the fuck………… *looks at broken wlal* huh….

J: oh are you back now???? Yeah i don't have fucking blood and you tried to kill me and my house….what the fuck man it always comes down to you killing me….i don't think i can do this anymore……

e: …….look. it’s not my fault. honestly you’re exaggerating things. i was hungry. i can’t help it and you should have known better than to be around me. and im still hungry. so.

J: wow so we’re victim blaming now????? No man i said i cant do this…..you never think about me

e: *rolls eyes uncomfortably, then notices jacob’s neck is still bleeding* well. im not. victim blaming. but. you’re still. bleeding. so my vampircal saliva is actually. healing . u.m . proertries. so umeme asmdaosmdsomaodmw. let. me . help . uoi. iok omo kok

a/n you ok man? i told u im losing brain cels

J: how can i trust you????? Everytime i trust you i die…….

e: *rolls eyes and then puts his hand on jacob’s face (like his face not the side of it)* just let . me . do my. fucking job *licks him*

J: *flinches but gives in* youre so fucking gay...if you wanted to makeout you could have jjust said so...i would have said no tho

e: *slams jacob’s head into the ground so powerfully that there is a jacob shaped crater in the ground* IM FUCKING HEALING YOU. *the bite mark has healed, slams jacob into the ground again* YOU STUPID FUCK IM NOT GAY

J: *dies*

e: *mad, spits on the ground next to jacob* i know ur not fucking dead. ur a vampire and a werewolf for fucks sake. get up.

J: *still dead*

e: you can’t just use the dead card everytime u want me to be nice to you. cause i wont. i literally wont.

J: *just a fucking corpse*

e: *stares at his dead body for a bit.* jacob. get the fuck up.

J: *not alive*

e: *hears billy’s wheelchair coming up* spotlight monolgoeu: well fuck. i can’t let him see i just killed his son for the third time. fuckfuckfuck what can i do i don’t have time to hide the body so… so ….. ok well hes a corpse and im a corpse too so this won’t be that weird

BREAKOUT ROOM ENDNEDINDENIEI TO BE CONTINUED YEAH RIGHTAHHAHAHHA JUST GETTING TO THE GOOD PART HOW EXCITING FOR TOMROW YES I CANNOT WAIT

*continuing edward monologue*

e: yeah … its totally not weird…. its cause i because because because because because because because because i need a cover thats why im doing totally not gay *kisses jacob*

(billy comes out from behind the house)

J: *obviously wasnt dead, wakes up, kisses edward back* oh hey dad

Billy: *supportive of his gay son* hey i thought i heard a fight *looks up* what the fuck happened to the wall

e: *sees jacob isn’t dead anymore, thinks that his kiss brought him back to life like in snow white, shocked* …….hhhh…….. wall?

J: sorry i don't know how that happened shits crazy ya know

Billy: *nods wisely* i do know…...well you boys have fun *leaves*

e: *stares at jacob in shock* …..do you….. remember… what happened before u died?

J: *does but wants to fuck with edward* wh….what? i…...i...d..died??????

e: *rolls eyes* yeah u fucking did. i brought u back though.

J: how…..???

e: ugh *hits him* obviously i just bit you to … bring u back.. to life….

J: so im already a vampire…...but now youve made me a double vampire??? Or does it cancel out and im human????

e: i dont fucking know. i— *remembers the curse and hopes jacob does not bring it up because the curse should double since jacob is double vampire* but don’t worry about the curse. obviosuyl .

J: oh does it double now that im a double vampire???

e: NO. and anyways. im still fucking hungry. so. be a good host and get me some mf food

J: yeah just let me check my fridge for some fucking blood…...idiot…..lets go somewhere so u can be a fake vegetarian

e: hmph. well let’s see if u can keep up. *runs away at vampire speed into the woods*

J: *turns into wolf and uses wolf and vampire speed and follows* awoooooooo

(the curse not acting up meaning theyre within 20m of each other)

e: *looks behind and sees jacob can keep up* slowpoke

ROB ENTERED MY CHAT YA SAME LOL ANYWAYS

J: who tf u callin slow *runs so fast that he almost next to edward*

e: *getting tired cus he is low on blood therefore energy* grrrrrrr

J: look we’re off sacred ground now go catch a deer or something

e: . im tired. u get something for me.

J: so now im ur personal chef?????? No get ur own shit

e: ive killed u three times already. dont make it a fourth.

J: *mumbles* whatever *leaves and smirks knowing he only actually died once* *gets a fucking deer or some

BREAKOUT ENDED????????? Ing WTF WHY WHO CARES LETS CONTINUE BRUH WHAT IS GOING ON DID U HEAR ERIC AND TINA THAT WAS SO AWKWARD I HATE THIS CLASS SO MUCH LILY LTIERALY WHAT BURH i do npt ccare at all

k anyways continue

J; here take this eat up

a/n: god i forgot how fucking ugky tina’s voice is fucking right

e: *bites into the deer, drinking the blood and makes direct eye contact w jacob* nomnomnom

J: feel better now?

e: *disgusted and spits blood at jacob’s feet* nomnomnomnom

J: *looks away cuz this is gross* the shit i do for u……

e: *slurps disgustingly* nomnomnom nom nOMnomON griwjodk

a/n wait lets hope we together obviously no omfg these bitches are talking im not speaking to u im puttig yall on mute good

J: *vomits cuz the noises r gross* could u be a little more quiet?????

e: *puts down the deer* dont fucking vomit in front of me and my food

J: your food is so much more disgusting than my vomit

e: then don’t look at me. *keeps drinking*

J: *rolls eyes*......

e: nomnomnomnom… *puts down again* i said dont fucking look at me.

J: *says nothing but keeps looking*

e: *slurp* u want some then?

J: absolutely not

e: *rolls eyes* i know ur a carnivore, come here

J: nah i don't want that shit youve fuccking destroyed it its disgusting

e: *the deer isnt destroyed like literally one puncture, but edward gets mad at the accusation, so he rips off the backlegs of the deer* i know u want some *throws the legs at jacob*

(catch it with ur mouth PLS Like a wolf)

a/n LMAO like throw drink but then u swallow it all dark blue hell post YES

J: *catches it with his mouth perfectly while making intense eye contact* …..

e: fucking mutt…. *goes back to drinking the blood* nomnomnomnomnom

J: *eats deer leg like it chicken wing* this shit isnt even good….

e: ur the one who hunted it.

J: whatever tommorow we going to mcdicks

e: what the fucks a mcdicks

J: bro…….youve never had a shit burger……..

e: why would i eat shit … in a burger…

J: of course your small mind could never understand….ugh

e: *spits blood in a perfect arch that lands right on jacobs shirt* dont call me small minded ever again

J: dude what the fuck…..and ill call u what i want

e: *finished drinking* no the fuck u won’t. *gestures to deer* u gonna eat my leftovers or what

J: i will not...and what the fuck r u gonna do about it???

e: do about what

J: me calling you small minded idiot

e: *slaps him* shut the fuck up

J: *turns the tables and slaps edward* it doesnt feel so good huh???

a’=./n: HAHAHAHHA

e: *holds his face in shock* WHHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT????????????? MY VAMPIRE HAND DOESNT HURT AS MUCH U FUCKING IDIOT

J: yeah ok but i slapped you once and youve slapped me at least a billion times so it adds up….funny how you can give it but not take it….weak…

e: *thinks about how he could say a few things about that last phrase but doesn’t* i’ve literally killed u so many fucking times *raises fist* i will do it again…..

J: *steps closer* do it then

e: why… the fuck … do you ALWAYS provoke me… kNOWING you will die? *pushes him back*

J: because i know you need an excuse to make out with me every once and awhile *smirks*

e: *gasp* WHAT THE FUFK? HOW DID U KNOW THAT *HITS HIM IN THE FACE*

J: bro you didnt think i was actually dead did you…...i thought you would have known better by now *still smirking*

e: *speechless and wishes he could use his mindpowers on jacob but it doesnt work* ………..

J: yeah so maybe you should try being nicer

e: absolutely not. once this month is over im moving to korea

BREAKOUT ROMM ENDINGNOOOOOOOO AKWAYDS WHEN IT GETS GOOD I KNOW RIGHT UGH ITS OK BUT YEAH THERE NEEDS TO BE AN EMOTIAONL CONNECTION SOON BEFOREMARRIAGE OH OF COURSE I CANT WAIT WE WILL WORK MORE TMRW NO SATUDAY MONDAY WOOOOWOOOO I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE A FILM OF THIS YESSSSSSS MONDAY OK HAHAHA

e: *continued* and im never speaking to u again.

J: yeah right you always say that shit…..but then you come crawling back

e: *rolls eyes* i’ve literally never done that. ur schizophrenia’s acting up because weve never had any fucking relationship before this……. i DONT LIKE YOU

J: uh huh but you always bring me back to life and make out with my corpse so what does that mean???

e: first of all, WE ARE BOTH CORPSES. so its not weird. second, i dont wanna get in trouble for killing a werewolf. so thats that. *turns away and starts walking back to the house but its the wrong direction*

J: yeah thats a likely story…….you know thats not the way home right…*smirks*

e: obviously ….. i was tricking u….. *goes the other way*

J: *rolls eyes and still smirks* so what do you wanna do when we get home

e: nothing *hes still going the wrong way but this time a different wrong*

J: well whatever….how long are you planning on going the wrong way before you ask me for help?

e: buddy.. this is the right way *shows map on phone*

(............ how can this be??????? ARE THEY IN a diffeernte realm)

a/n LMSOAAIOOAAO faerie realm

J: no i swear……..it……*turns in a circle confused* we definitely came from………

e: so what the fucks going on? is this one of ur stupid pranks bc ur native or whatever

J: can you stop being racist for two seconds this is weird….whatever maybe i messed up….lets just follow your phone…

(they follow the directions on the phone but they find that theyre just going in circles eneding up back to the dead dear…. a strange mist is rising*

e: uh…………….. what the fucks going on……….

J: uhhhhhh…….this has never happened before…...what the fuck do we do,....

e: wait. do u hear that……..

(from in the mist they hear something coming……………. its this really hot woman coming out, her name……. bella swan)

bella: …… *in sexy voice* hello boys

a/n GYDSUFGEYORGFBOREW

J: uh…..who the fuck are you….

b: *tosses her head back and laughs, long luscious dark locks of dark of hair of brown falling behind her, then opens her blue? brown? idk her orb colour and stares at them…. she notices edward’s extremely strong gay aura so doesnt go to him. looks at jacob* im bella. bella swan…. youre in my swamp….

J: ok…...but we’re lost...so could you help us out….?

e: *uncomfotable.*

bela: hahhahahah… of course…. *walks up to jacob and touches his face* but the thing is….. humans who come into my territory….. must …… how tf do i say this….. they need to gift me something…. or else u are cursed to work as my servant forever.

J: well we’re not human...hes a vampire and im half werewolf half double vampire…..so that wont apply to us right??

b: *gasps*..... HAHAHAHAHAHHA…… you truly don’t know who i am? bella swan (shes part swan ig) collects HALF WEREWOLF HALF DOUBLE VAMPIRE boys……. jacob….. *licks lips* you will be my prize

e: hhhhhhhhhh

J: so like….if i fuck you….can you tell us how to get home??

bella: *slaps him across the face in the same way that edward does* FUCK ME? hahahahha you’re fucking stupid. i knew it. all of u are. i don’t want u like that buddy, i need to use ur dna to make skins. *grabs him and tries to bring him into the mist*

e: wait…. u can’t

bella: y?

e: um……. bc….

J: *is kind of turned on bc bella slapped him like edward and pavlovs dogs ya know* ……….

e: *was about to say to bella that she cant take jacob, but then realizes he has no say in what jacob can or can’t do…. plus… jacob looks really happy with bella….. but still…. he can’t just let jacob get fucking killed again… even if he’s into it* um. bella. maybe? um u could take me as well?

b: no ur fucking gay i don’t want u. jacob wants to come w me , right jakey? (how does she know his name?)

J: *dream like* yeah…….wait…...did i tell you my name?

bella: *eyes widening in delight* NOOOOOO YOU DIDNT!!!!! LUCKY GUESS!!!!! NOW THAT I KNOW UR NAME……. *turns to edward* u know what happens when fairies know ur name right? *smirks* e

e: *also kind of into that smirk bc pavlovian response* wait… no… JACOB U IDIOT

bella: i feel some homosexual tension between yall …. how about this *curses jacob so that he is like idk evil and will kill edward so then bella wont have to fight him and then can kill jacob le8ter*

J: *eyes rolll back into head like tik tok boy* *lunges at edward* ……

(famous last words by mcr starts playing straight from bella’s mouth for some background music) a/n YESSSSSS

e: *dodges jacob* JACOB. STOP SNAP OUT OF IT

J: …………*jumps at edward again*

e: *barely dodges his snapping jaws*

(in the background …….but can I SPEAK is it hard understanding…….. im incompletel)

e: BNELLA STOP PLEASEEEE

J: *keeps jumping at edward with impossible amounts of force and energy* ……

(a love that’s so demanding…………. IEIODAIOJEWIOADJIOA WHWYY cann ii get WEAKK!!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OFtikwpoerkwopk)

e: *doesn’t want to use force to stop jaconn, but he’s forced to* jacob *does the thing whjere girls try to stop the guy from fighting* jacob its me! stop!!!!!!!!

bella: omg so cringe stop pls

J: *stops for a second but then goes back to fighting* ……

(awake and unafraid asleep)

e: *gets scratched by his werewolf claws, stares at the blood then gets mad* JACOB U STUPID FUCKING MUTT LOOK WHAT U DID TO MY PERFECT SKIN *restrains him with both arms*

J: *when yelled at fully stops but then shakes head and goes back to rage* …..

b: *notices that jacob stopped* omg… wtf *curses him stronger*

e: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

(the song is now… hmmm….. u decide… nanananananaanana LOL ok)

J: *goes at edward so hard knocks him over*........

e: hmmmm,...... jacob i don’t wanna fight u STOP

(na na na na so many security sto every enemy)

J: *stops for half a second blink and youll miss it but then goes back with even more anger*..

e: *thinking: wtf i do’? i cant fight bella to stop him cus then itll be 2 v 1 ./../….///.. .wait…. * *remmebres jacob;’s expression when bella slapped him,..... what if i…. what if* (jacob comes at him again but edward waits UNTIL he is close enough adn then slaps him across the face extremely hard that like he slams into a tree behind him* U STUPID FUCKING DOG

j: *slides down tree and colapses on the ground….almost unconsiodusio* …….e…..edward….

(na na na is over and fades slowly bc bella closes her mouth)

b: waht the fucking fukc did u fucking do u stupid sparkly gay boy????///// THAT WAS MY NEXT SKIN

e: *ignores her and goes to jacob* jacob…… r u ok…

J: *opens eyes slowly* ye….yeah…..i *inhales sharply bc pain or smth* im good…..

e: *checks him for wounds*

bella: *comes up behind edward and grabs him by the head then yeets him backwards* I SAID THATS MY SKIN STAY AWAY FROM him

J: EDWARD *tries to get up to fight her but stumbles*

b: stay down. that’s an order u dog

e: *comes back running* NYAHHHHHHHH

(bela and edward engage in a super epic battle u can imagine it however u want ok…..)

J: ………..

(they r far away enough that jacob can’t hear them….)

b: bro why r u fighting so hard to save ur friend or is that even a friend

e: *blushes* bro not right now

b: no seriously

e: …..

b: *thinking oh….* ew so yall r like that?

e: ….

b: *sigh* fine… u can have him… but under one condition

(what is this condition lemme think)

b: welcome to paradise…. dun dun dun dundu ndund a gunshot rings at the station………… ok i found it: u owe me ur firstborn child

e: ok (?)

(that’s how bella gets renesmee u decide how that happens)

e: *goes back to jacob* helo

J: are you ok…….what went down??????

e: nothing we totally didnt like f u ck or anything wtf why would u even ask that

J: *thinks wtf did they fuck….get kinda jealoudssss* oh…...so can we leave??

(the mist rises)

e: ok…. can you even walk?

J: yeah im fine *tries to stand but winces and leans against tree*

e: *is worried, but rolls eyes anyway* le,me call an uber

BREKAOUT ROOOM OVER NONOOOOOOOO ITS OK WE FINISHED THIS ARC TODAY WAS SO GOOD ABSOLUTELY BRILLAITN AS USUAL WE ARE AT 840 PERIODS LMAOAAAOOOO GOOD UGH HOW AMAZING IM EXCITED TO REREAD IT TOMOROW YESSS ME FUCKING TOO GAHAHAH

a/n Are they waiting for the uber or at home alreafy? first of all, use a/n, second up to u

(jacobs room)

J: ok im fine stop worrying

(the whole werewolf clan is surrounding jacob who is lying on his bed, edward is standing facing the corner awkwardly and covering his nose)

biylly: No son. you were attacked by some fucking fairyand i dont mean him *points to edward* like this is serious shit…. we should call a doctor… but who….

e: *quietly*……. i know… a doctor

a/n laksaodjjefiureyueryhu

J: who…….

e: *turns to face the gang, wich includes seth who i thnk is sexy* um……. carlisle…

J: wait your dad….leader of your incest clan….went to med school???

e: *hand twitches wanting to slap him, but can’t do so in front of his family, so restrains himself* ahem. yes. and we’re not an incest clan.

Billy: i aint bringing you to no vampire doctor we have to find someone else

J: no…..its ok…..i don't even need a doctor….

seth: *is a niner* dude… ur not even okl…. (what were his injuries again?) ur like body is like broken in multiple places…. but. *glares at edward* we can’t have more of Them in here……

e: *rolls eyes at seth* so what the fuck do u propose we do huh niner

seth: ……………… well if u really wanna know, i took grade 9 biology and also first aid….. i’m basically a doctor

a/n i really forget what happened to jacob but lets pretend hes basically dying (when isnt he)

J: uh no thanks seth…..really guys im ok….ive had worse….at least im alive…….

e: *still wants to slap him so bad but cant so instead slaps himself*

billy: wtf… *back to jacob* listen son. ur literally fukcing dying *gets emotional now* ….. we need to do something… *looks at seth* son… *(seth isn’t his son?) will u treat him?

seth: *smirks* ya of course billy…. *turns to jacob* listen ….. we can’t have u dying here…. us alphas need to look out for each other.

J; uhhhhhhhhh well like im kind of more beta…….but…...are you sure you know what youre doing????

billy: JACOB (does he have a middle name) BLACK NEVER CALL URSELF A BETA EVER A FUCKING GAIN THE BLAHJBLAHBLAH TRIBE HAS BLAHDDBASBDOISDHIAOSJDIASJAJ …..

seth: yea h jacob ur definitely an a**a wtf ok . so first i need to see ur injuries…. where r u hurt?

J: basically everywhere…..she kind of fucked me up….but its cool

e: *still doesn’t know what to do so goes back to facing the wall*

seth: okay well… im gonna need u to like… ahem…. u know…. .disrobe…

J: oh...yeahok….*glances at edward who is still facing the wall**starts to take off shirt revealing 12 pack abs*

a;/n: lMFAO

(collective gasp as they see jacob’s injuries)

e: *begins slamming his head into the wall*

billy: oh my god son. …… this is horrible

seth: alright uhhhhhhhh *is overwhelmed* um …. ,... well u have… um …. ur bleeding… and ur ribs are briken… so i gusss…… polysporin? edward can u pass it to me

e: *still staring at the wall* no

J: dude why are you always so difficult….plus after seth heals me hes gonna have to check you for a concussionos…..wtf r u doing????

e: *rolls eyes and turns around, but hes hit his head on the wall so hard that blood is dripping from his head into his eyes, blinding him (da blood from da dear ofc* he doesn’t need to fucking heal me. and i’ll get the polysporin. where is it?

J: in the bathroom i think…...down the hall to the left…

e: *goes to get it, blindly obviously and yeah he got it* *hands the polysporin to who he thinks is seth but he can’t actually see who he’s handing it to*

J: man are you ok??? Like maybe sit down for a bit…...thats not seth thats my dad

e: *angirly moves so hes handing it to seth, but in the process slaps seth in the face maybe not so accidentlly*

s: OH my fucking GOd *mutters* i fucking hate vampires stupid fucks *begins putting polysporin on jacob*

J: uhhhhh is this gonna work…..like my ribs are broken...maybe we should call edwards dad….*looks down knowing they gonna be mad at the idea*

e: *has reverted to sitting in the corner staring at the wall blindly so not actually staring ig*

billy: shut the fuck up jacob. seth is doing an awesome job. looks better already kid

seth: *smirks, looking in edward’s direction* yeah im doing awesome

J: but like…….whatever….if youre done leave edward and i alone for a second…

seth: *finishes bandagnig jacob up* ok. .. but if u need anything… .anythng,... just call ok buddy?

billy: *leaves*

J: so i think i need a real doctor now

s: no u don’t im all u need *leaves*

J: i definitely need a real doctor now…..can you call your dad?

e: he’s not my dad…. and i cant.

J: bruh why not u said u would earlier

e: *can’t really remember due to insane brain damage* uh…… well he’s in italy now. so . ……….. i mean… yeah.

J: dude come here let me see your head

e: no

J: not in a gay way in a im actually worried about your health way

e: *doesn’t actually know where he is in the room bc he refuses to wipe the blood from his eyes* um………………. fine….. *starts walking then trips on jacob’s textbook* wtf….

J: come here sit down *reaches over and grabs his arm guiding him to the bed* here dumbass *wipes blood away from his eyes* does it hurt really bad??

e: *flatly* im a vampire . nothing hurts me. *looks at his bandagings * what the fuck did he do. *rolls eyes* this is unacceptable… *under his breath* stupid dumb fucking niner idiot who fcuckgirn ais trying to one up me i kwjeoijfdoijdeow grrr

J: sorry i didnt hear that last part whats up?

e: oh my god just stfu and *tyler tehecreator voice* elt me do what i need to fucking do *violently rips his bandages off* lemme do it properly because carlisle is in….. china… like i siad

J: uh you said he was in like france or something...also this fucking hurts can you stop being so angry???

e: *no reply. begins piecing his ribs back together w surgical tools he pulled from his pocket* dont move

J: yeah whatever…...why do you have all this shit….nerd…

e: *bc jacob’s ribs were literally sepeareted from what is it called in the centre of the ribs forgot, but his heart is exposed* stfu…. why is ur heart still beating……. *grabs his beating heart*

J: bro what the fuck….don't do that whats wrong with you….maybe bc im still half werewolf???? idk…

e: *eyes change colour….. he goes very still*

(they are both covered in jacob;s blood)

J: uhhhhhhhh edward…..youre scaring me man…...maybe you should go...or just say something please…

e: * eyes r still that whatever colour, but goes back to work silently, and releases the heart* ………………………….. *finishes and starts sewing the skin back up, then looks jacob in the eyes* u rlly should stop begging me bruh,........ it onlymakes me hungrier

J: oh uuhhhhhh sorry????

e: *bandages are finished, assess his work….* ugh finally ur better…… *slaps him* ive been waiting to do that

J: dude wtf…..why are you like this

e: ………….. well i need to do my english project if u don’t mind *goes to face the wall and closes his eyes*..... ……… …

J: you know you can like sit down right…..you don't have to stand t=in the corner

e: *sighs audibly then moves backwards with his eyes still closed and sits on the corner of jacob’s bed but he’s basically just hovering over it*

J: youre so fucking dramatic….youre stuck with me for like two weeks or something so you should probably get used to being around me

e: *opens his eyes and glares at jacob* it’s one month first of all. and i don’t want to get used to you. you fucking stink and ur covered in blood.

J: *smirks* i thouht you liked blood...and you smell like shit too you know

BREAKOUIT ROROM ENDINGUIRNGTRIGNT NOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK UAK WHATS COMING NEXT EW IT WAS ME AND ROB FOR A SECOND EW OMG BRO WE BE WRITING 1K WORDS PER DAY BRUHHHHH OUR FIUCKING POWER ITS SO AMAZING

e: *smells himself* no i dont’ smell like i shit

J: *smirks* you do to me...ugly vampire smell

e: you really should respect me more…. im the one who fixed ur fucking ribs not like seth who used fucking POLYSPORIN

J: its ok….you don't need to be jealous of seth…..i don't like him like that

e: what the fuck>>??? im not jealous of him i literally never said that…… isn’t he ur fucking brother?

a/n hes not lmao edward doesn tknow that

J: wtf????? U thot he was my brother???? Not all native american werewolves are related asshole

e: yall arent….. then why tf are yall in the same tribe huh riddle me that

J: i……...we….how do you think tribes work?????

e: u tell me

a/n I GOT JUMPSCARED BY ROBS VOICE SO HARD LMAO LOL CAN HE STFU IDC AT ALL ME TOO YALL SHUT UP i straight up dont care this sucksnot interested in yalls feedback for us stfu with the “no one is left out” GUESS WHAT U WILL BE LEFT OUT IN LIFE THATS HOW IT IS ESPECIALLY IF UR FUCKING UGLY LIKE SOME OF YALL stfu with math bulshit 6 is divided by 4 simply will it to be TINA STFU LOL YES HAHAHA we will excluse ourselves “andie doesnt count” how dare u sigh there is no feedback they could possibly give us LMAO RIGHT ugh fuck this and i don't need yall yall can be a group if u wanna we always do anyways yall back to work stfu

J: we….just like hangout…...we aren’t related…….at all……

e: ……….oh……………………………………. well i had no idea thats how tribes work

J: you could have just asked…..

e: *doesn’t reply and goes back to work on his english project*

J: *rolls eyes* youre so fucking lame can u not be a nerd for 5 minutes???

e: *throws pencil like a dart and it sticks in jacobs forehead* LITERALLY WTF DO U WANT ME TO DO HUH. I DONT WANNA FUCKING BE HERE. BUT WE CANT GO OUTSIDE CUS ITS NIGHT (flashbacK: andrew’s curfew for who fucking knows why)

J: *dies*

e: *rolls eyes* i literally know ur not dead cus the curse is still on

J: *still dead*

e: *sighs* ……. * thinks about fall out boy specifically how whats his name never eununciates anything* helloooooooooooooo wake tf up ugly

J: *dead*

e: this aint a scene its a godamn ahms rahce , like why does he say it like that

J: idk man but its a banger tho

e: disagree its so fcuking annoinyg. ahms rahce ahms ahms and like when he says down he doesnt even say down its like dawhhhh

J: i mean yeah but its a classic….and his voice….iconic….

e: *shrugs* yeah ur right…. you know………………. back in the 60s i used to be in a band…

J: oh shit deadasss? Were yall any good????

e: *slaps his uninjured leg* obvioisl;y we were fucking good…. we were really popular too…. *sigh* i had so many bitches

J: *mad kind of bc bitches* well if u were so popular would i know any of your songs??? What was the band called???

e: ……….well ….. *pulls out guitar and drum kit and like every instrument and begins playing them* it goes alittle like this….. here comes the sun dododododood here comes the sun … .

a/n IM CRYING

J: wtf that shits sucks….ive literally never heard that before

e: *rolls eyes* obviously it sucks now , but back in the segragation days,,,,,,, this shit was spectuacualr.. ….. and btw, this is the BEATLES … which by the way,,,,,, i was in

J: wtf i have never heard of yall….u named ur band after a bug thats so weird…..ur shit is trash man

e: *slaps him but this time on the face* shtut he fuck up and stop talking shit about my band… ive literally never seen u do anything of worth in ur what…. how fucking old are u,.... like 16 years of life

J: i get so many bitches u would not believe

e: *rolsl eyes* LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL……. u know i can read everyone’s minds right? everyone and i mean everyone wants me at school….. like no one is thinking about u

J: *angry* maybe thats true but they only want u bc they think ur hot….if they actually got to know u no one and i mean no one would ever even look at you….youre disgusting and terrible and honestly not even that hot up close

e: *rolls eyes* listen old sport =..... when ur my age…. and also immortal… and sexy….. relationships with humans dont fucking matter. i dont need them to like me, cus guess what ? they re gonna fucking die anyways or ill proabbly eat them… they just need to think im hot. and by the way, i am fucking hot up close….. *tilts his head to remind jacob of their first talking or whatever encounter at edward’s house…….*

J: *angerily silent*.......

e: *starts laughing* like…….. i didnt even do anything and u were like….. .ahahahhahahahahhahahah

J; *still silent* …………………….

(momentarily silence, until edward notices his hands are still really bloody… )

e: *to himself* ugh…. this is gross……. *starts licking the blood off his hands* mmmmm

J: *makes disgusted face but still doesnt say anything*........

e: *finishes cleaning his hands and wipes it on jacob’s sheets* hmmm….. *checks phone* holy shit my amazon order is here…..

J: *mumbles* go get it then……

e: *goes to the downstairs or whatever and it should be ok bc its within like 20m but as soon as he gets to jacob’s door they both feel intense pain* wtf……… im not….. even…… 20m…. away …. from u ….

J: …...stupid….double….vampire...shit…..

e: ….. *comes closer to esase the pain* ugh…. im so…. fukcing… mad… u sfuckign idit…… *punches hole in jacob’s wall.* …. ok u need to come with me downstairs so i can get my package

J: i literally cant fucking walk selfish idiot

e: grrr.r…… i need…. my mf.../.. amazon prime bed thing……… fine…. *throws jacob over his shoulder* u dont need to walk

J: ahhhh wtf...ur so fucking weird...this is gay man

e: its literally not so stfu *goes downstairs to get his package*

(billy and other wolf members: :|

J: what the fuck is wrong with u u could have gotten someone to bring it p for u wtf

e: *rolls eyes and bends to get the package* …. i have amazon prime^2,,,,,, the package will explode if it doesnt recognize my fingerprint *scans his fingerprint* and my eyeball *scans eyeball and gets package to go upstairs*

J: i hate rich people so fucking much what is wrong with you

e: *throws jacob back onto his bed and rips open the package with his vampire teeth* fuckign finally

J: ok can we get some fucking sleep now???? This day has been way too much

e: *looks him up and down* yeah for u maybe…. vampires dont even need sleep *sets up bed, its literally huge and takes up most of jacobs room*

J: THEN WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED A BED FOR THEN?????????

e: *slaps him* stop fuckign questioning me…. i need it to relax in…. and watch tik toks…

J: what the fuck….you know what i don't care…..good fucking night….

e: *doesn’t reply and gets settled in his huge bed and opens tik tok and watches them at high volume no headphones*

J: BRUH CAN U GET SOME FUCKING HEADPHONES WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU e: *looks up to jacob across the room* i forgot them at home… holdup lkemme amazon prime some new ones

J: bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just like turn the volume down

e: *exhales through nose at a funny tiktok and doesn’t hear jacob*

J: what. the . fuck. *puts pillow over head and tried to sleep*

e: *is now standing on his bed attempting to learn a tik tok dance but hes super tall so his head keeps slamming against the ceiling* renegade rengage

BREAKOUT ROROMRM ENDEIDN STOP NMITERUPTTING MY FUCKING SETENCE I KNOW LOL DID BUT THATS SO FUCKING FUNNYnegade reennegadge

Sorry bro ok bye

(now is morning)

e: *been watching tik toks all night long*

J: *has not slept at all* bruhhhhhhhhhh

e: *has learned every dance possible, now is 2nd after charli damelio in popularity* stfu im working

J: i cant do this…….we need to figure something else out…….

e: *puts his phone downe for the first time in hours* *sighs* …….. jacob,.... u need to understand this…… *sad music begins to play, lights down, spotlight on edward* *ewdward looks out the window wistfully* im….. im a father now jacob….. i dont have time to “figure things out”...... fatherhood was thrown into my life….

J: wtf…….u r literallykt not in ur childs life at al…...do u even pay child support…..rich bitch…...ur not a father…...u just fucked a girl…….

e: *rolls eyes* first of all, she’s half vamp half faerie like she literally doesnt need money to livem, second that wasn’t just any girl that was bella swan………. i feel terribly guilty jacob,...... i should be in rmeumememeueneneseeeses’s life

J: bruh…...so ur like in love with bella now????? And wtf…….what r u gonna do raise her now???? Nah i don wanna be part of this

e: dude… im not in love with her… it’s just my duty as a father………. And who said ur gonna be a part of this? ……… *thinks* maybe i should get married to her?

J: u literally just said she don't need u so why u acting different???? Also im gonna have to be a part of this bc we cannot be more than 10m apart idiot

e: that’s literally temporary………………………………..

J: oh so ur just gonna wait til this is over….shes gonna hate u

e: *slaps him* u don’t know that…… plus it’ll be a good way to pass a couple centuries…..

J: bro but i DO know that….my mom left us or died or sometihng…..and like….if she came back into my life now….id hate her……

e: yeah but ur a fucking werewofl us vampires and feareires dont think like that….. why are u so against this?

J: honestly do whatever u want……...ill be fine as long as youre away from me……

e: well…….. good… glad we’re on the same page *goes back to his bed to watch tiktoks*

J: *sighs and lies on bed staring at the ceiling* *thinks* this is probably a good thing….edward has brought me nothing but pain….

e: *doesn’t scroll on the tiktok whe’s watching so the sound keeps playing over and over again and hes thinking……: why….. do i feel so guilty? i thought it was about renesueme but…………... *out loud* uh. /…… .were we supposed to um go to mclonad’s or something?

J:.......oh yeah….i guess…..if you wanted to….

e: *suddenly annoyed* it was ur fucking idea to go……….

J: bro whatever chill…..lets go then….

e: ok……. like we dont have to go if u dont want to…. its just u mentioned it…..

J: no like we can go….anythings better than hunting with u….

e: ok but do you want to go or u just saying that cus then its a fucking waste of time

J: OH MY GOD LETS JUST GO

e: *slaps him* dont use that attitude with me ,...... u fucking dog

J: *rolls eyes* what the fuck ever…..ur driving

e: i didn’t bring my car with me stupid…….

J: well what the fuck r we gonna do then?????????

e: …… dont u have a car or smthn……. or we could run there

J: im poor remember????? And im also still injured>>>so like wtf now

e: (flashback: new moon, jacob literally has a motorcycle) …./…. dont u have a motorcycle or a truck helllooooooooo

J: ur so fucking insensitive…….we had to sell those to buy groceries…….fuck you…..

e: *under his breath* i guess no sharing motorcycle drivigng…. *sigh* ok uber eatss?

J: yeah whatever…….oh wait….seth has a motorcycle i think….maybe we could ask to borrow it…..

e: *annnoyed* ew…. i dont wanna use seth’s motorcycle……

J: bruhhhhhhhhh y r u always so fucking difficult

e: im not difficult bruh

J: u fucking r

e: fine. use fuckings seth’s motorycycle from him hes ugly anyway

J: alright sick

#twilight #Edward cullen #Jacob black #Bella swan #fanfiction #gay #lgbt

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redpaperowl · 5 years ago

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I'm ill.

Apparently breaking dawn 2 is on netflix and I've never seen it. Lets do this.

This opening. This production crew had way more belief in what they were making than they should have this is fucking stunning.

"we're the same temperature now"... Dead

"wait, you need to get your thirst under control" it's like him saying that made her suddenly go OW YEAH MY UNCONTROLLABLE THIRST OWWWW EDWARD OW

"bella dont" just fucking grab her. Dick.

I get she's a vampire now but like isnt she worried about idk landing someplace awkward or ripping her clothes or something nah fuck it jump off a cliff

"since when do you care about renesmee" edward and Jacobs shared glance of "you gon tell her or should i"

That baby face isn't as horrific as people I TAKE IT BACK I TAKE IT BACK I TAKE IT BACK

"jacob shes doing great" jacob it's her fucking baby

Hahahahahaha bella grabbing Jacob by the neck like BAD DOG BAD DOG BAD DOG

Sure bella the nickname is the thing to be angry about here

Poor seth (who is seth again its been years since i last watched or read these)

Omg thats the cutest fucking little house I WANT IT. also this raises the question did the others not want their own places. Also that interior no.

Dont people get post baby depression... Shes also just become a vampire... Shouldn't she have post baby post life depression

I know im gonna regret asking this. If according to Meyer venom makes his dick work, what makes her areas work too... Is she just coated in venom or something

Man emmett is creepy in this one huh

Jacob "like hell am i letting you take my baby gf away you talk to yo dad bitch" whatever his last name was again

Urghhhhhhhhhh Charlie deserves so much better than all of this

Hahahaahaahaa jacob getting naked "you dont live in the world you think you do" i want a version of this all with charlies inner monologue ie whats this dumbass kid doing now am i gon have to arrest him for drugs and or public nudity

"ok i got it" ms madam you certainly do not got it

Omg he wants to hug his daughter so bad someone fucking look after charlie

"lets give them some privacy" SHES A NEWBORN VAMP WHAT IF SHE KILLS HIM WTF

"i wanna know what happened to you" "i cant tell you" she joined a cult

"a very large dog" i love you charlie

What the fuck is that baby

WHY CAN HER CHILD JUST FLY?

God the views out the cullens windows my god

"i have to report a crime... The cullens" michael sheens WHAT ABOUT BAES look

Man this feels rushed... Maybe its because IT WAS HALF OF A BOOK

OH MY GOD THE VISUALS WHEN THEY FLASHBACK TO IMMORTAL CHILDREN I WANT THIS TEAM WORKING ON A PROPER VAMPIRE FILM

We're back to these films being car adverts i see

"you can feel her warmth" "i can feel it"... And yet you let the others attack

Rami baby youre showing off and i love you

FROM THE AMAZON

Ok i like lee pace in this

GET IT GARRETT

Did Edward always wear hoodies or is this a new dad thing

YOU HAVE MY FANGS

"ow?" i love this vampire woman

"this ones on full power" omg Edwards face of bitch don let me down

Their eyes look so bloodshot bc of the gold contacts

How did Edward not smell a burning book

J James what is this marvel

Who is this guy and what is his accent

These Eastern european vampires are so oot its great

EVERYONE STAND IN YOUR PREARRANGED FAMILY SPOTS

"the redcoats are coming" garrett babe

I dont understand was she actually gonna send her away or not shes just there on the killing field with them

Me looking at the wolves: i want my cat

Michael sheen reign it in

Im sorry why did emmett just get dragged into that

OH MY GOD MICHAEL SHEEN BABY WHAT IS THIS FILM DOING TO YOU I REMEMBER YOU IN CLASSICS LIKE TIMELINE WHO PUT YOU IN THIS I HOPE YOU HAD FUN AT THE LEAST

MICHAEL SHEEN I DONT UNDERSTAND DID YOU JUST WANNA BE THE MAD HATTER OR SOMETHING "ALICE 😀"

Carlilse dad mode ACTIVATED

Sooo does becoming a vampire automatically mean you know how to fight? We've only seen bella train her shield stuff but shes holding her own against volturi

These cgi wolves need to stop i am gonna cry

Hahahaha bella "imma protect ma gurl alice for some pro revenge" cullen

Player aro has entered the game

Man who knew vampire heads just popped off like barbie dolls

LITERALLY NO ONE BUT ARO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN NO ONE ELSE SAW THE VISION WHAT THE FUCK

Why are they all laughing at the eastern european vampire husbands theyre right this is not a laughable moment

"she's gonna be around for a long time isnt she" BITCH SHE GON OUTLIVE YOU

Creepy baby becomes creepy adult

Is that the same meadow again. Did the plants change

What the fuck since when can bella project thoughts what

All these memories... No skelator

Why were all her memories in 3rd person

Is jacob just their permanent babysitter now then

Ok then

#Twilight #Breaking dawn 2

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whyamisolatetotheparty · 4 years ago

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so im reading midnight sun and i cant handle it by myself

Chapter Two thots *spoilers*

-“my skin had cooled to match the air around me” i may just be stupid but i didn’t think your body changed temperature

-Bella has an “unremarkable human face”

-i really dont think her curls could be “almost pink with their strawberry tint” but you do you

-"I sighed again" dramatic dramatic dramatic

-all im saying about Tanya rn is ew, thats not really right and leave mister sad alone

-calls himself a gentleman. idk. its just weird to me.

-SIBLING DYNAMICS. i mean, it's not perfect but slush ball fight? eye contact and understanding? sympathy for one another? 7/10 siblings

-dramatic. it's been a week. she's not talking about you anymore. calm down

-this boy obsessed after one convo

-"our spanish class"?? i thought Emmett was a year older? anyways, idc just am annoyed

-emmett is the best. always has been, always will be. is just okay w Eddie boy killing Bella. "Sometimes a person just smells too good" i think this is encouragement but idk

-yes. definitely encouragement to just murder Bella

-im telling Bella you referred to her as "the girl"

-i thought Jessica and Bella had gym together but maybe that's just in the movie:/

-what is violent music? and why is it violent? like is this heavy metal? MCR? what is violent? country music as it harms your brain? *edward head banging in background*

-Bella offended by the weather is a mood and we love it

-bro you have had one conversation, she does not want to talk to you. she is mad at the weather rn. wait your turn

-Bella cannot drive and that is 100% okay

-crazy boy. we got possessive and in charge vibes going at the moment. the beginning of this "love story"

At the moment? Wasn't as entertaining as Chap 1 but i mean, it's Edward and he's just... he's Edward. mister old fashioned and against fun.

#midnight sun #angsty boy #edward cullen #bella swan #has an unremarkable human face apparently #rosalie cullen #emmett cullen #is probably the most chaotic #and we stan #jasper cullen #alice cullen #who let her publish this though?

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swtki · 4 years ago

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hey babe fun fact (I bolded all the main points so you can truly fucking absorb since you cant read a shit post correctly) :

She literally is pro life its CANNON, everyone knows that Bella is going to die if she has the kid. Even Edward is like hey luv u but if the baby kills you I will drop kick it. Rosalie is HOSTILE and nobody is demanding Bella to get rid of it, they are just simply saying “hey babe this is a bad idea ❤️” because the entire saga they’ve been saying how much it sucks to be a vampire but it always goes over Bellas head. Also, she literally had the entire monologue where she shamed Bella, not just for wanting to be turned but for not wanting to be able to have children.

Also, Smeyer is Mormon. So the pro life trope is more than likely. If I had to put my money on it, I’d guess Smeyer is also pro life.

ALSO, I myself am a victim of sexual violence and have had multiple abusers and I’m only 18. I don’t know why you think that that has anything to do with pro life vs pro choice. 97% of women have experienced sexual violence in their lifetime, so its very real that not all of us share one ideology.

There are republican victims of sexual abuse, there are Q anon members of abuse. Please stop acting like victims are all the same, its an uneducated assumption. Now, do I think it is ironic that there are pro life q anon SA survivors? Yes, of course I do.

Being a survivor and having political / human rights opinions have nothing to do with each other. Please do not imply that it does and try to put us in a box of one ideology.

Also please - this is a fucking shitpost Its not meant to be taken seriously or spark debates. So to recap; You think that her SA dictates her entire character? Now I’m by no means condoning that ideology, but when you try to paint every survivor in the same light, we have a problem. Please go outside.

Cullens and political stances:

Edward: Okay listen, hes probably a modern republican until 1980, then probably leans towards the left a lot more. Pro choice bc he was praying bella would yeet that feetus out. Anti marijuana legalization because hes from an era where that shit was not talked about. Capatalist. Also, he cannot vote.

Carlisle: Def left. He wanted Edward as his companion 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 iykyk. Pro choice and anti racism bc hes a fucking doctor how could he morally not be?? Prob pro medical marijuana. Def voted for Bernie. Demacratic Socialist.

Esme: Doesnt much care for politics, leans closer to pro life but still pro choice for laws. Votes for all demacrats, but other than that barely pays attention. Doesn’t know how the economy works but still agrees with Biden. Also anti racism. lightly Home of phobic but just says its because “I want the best for my children”, won’t vote against gay rights.

Alice: helps organize blm protests, anti racism. Very ironic because shes married to a confederate. Pro choice, pro marriage equality, acab once again very ironic innit . def enjoyed the Riot Grrrl scene circa 1994. calls herself a communist but doesnt actually know what that entails, she just heard it on tiktok

Jasper: Racist uncle trope. Alice tries to convince him of her views, but hes borderline sexist so he barely takes her seriously. Thinks all lives matter. Went to the Capital on 01/06/21. Almost voted for trump but then felt everyones anger towards him. Pro life but doesn’t speak about it. Capatalist.

Emmet: Does not give a fuck about anything, wishes he was alive so he could smoke oui’d. Pro anarchy and riots, joined Jasper at the Capital for shits and giggles.

Rosalie: Pro life and annoying about it. Was mad about civil rights until 1970. Capatalist bc she thinks Carlisle would “lose money”. Hates communism and China, will not accept that she has the wrong idea. Got bad vibes from trump. Believes in the pizza parlor sex ring run by Biden (Qanon thing). Cried when she found out biden won because she was worried they would have forced abortions (something from Qanon prob)

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like-rain-or-confetti · 5 years ago

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If the Volturi had gone to Bella and Edwards wedding, do you think they would’ve allowed themselves to have fun and share a few dances with some humans, forget what they are for the night and just let themselves get caught up in the party? I think about this a lot, I would’ve loved to see Felix flirting with a human or stealing a dance with Bella, I would’ve loved to see Demetri and Heidi have a competition of who could get more numbers, or the twins mess around with kids their age.

Oh I’m so ready for this. Buckle up for some canon twins and other goodness! So I totally see the Volturi huddled around in the corner most of the time. The humans are looking around wondering why a bunch of violet and brown eyed people are dressed in black. Did the Cullen’s know a cult? Why are they recruiting kids? Those two are like twelve right? Wait, when did kids get so terrifying?

Aro has to nudge the twins like ‘please stop glaring at everyone, you’re drawing attention. Yes Jane, that includes you.’ The twins are glued to Aro’s sides like humans have cooties. Caius and Marcus have no intention of socialising with any of these people, Aro has to remind them why they are actually at this wedding. Although, Aro doesn’t share this mentality. Renee made the mistake of approaching him and her mental alarm bells were blaring seconds into the conversation. This man was creepy and why did he want to hold everyones hands in greeting? Oh good, Dr Cullen is coming to distract this creepy man, be free Renee, be free!

Now Demetri, Felix and Heidi are a completely different story. Demetri and Heidi had been flirting excessively on the way to the wedding but now at the wedding, they didn’t seem to be bothered by one another. Demetri is working his charms on every single human woman in sight, especially those who are clearly not single. Let’s be clear, Demetri has no real interest in any of them but the game is true entertainment. Heidi is the same, though she seems to be excellent at luring the men away single or not, they cant help but look and enjoy Heidi’s attention. Of course, Demetri considered this a help...until Heidi started also luring in the women. The phone numbers they’ve collected are really piling up yet they’d be leaving with none of them. Heidi enjoyed hiding the slips of paper with the digits written down for others to find. Demetri on the other hand kept them simply as trophies. No one would get any phone calls from either of the two.

Felix...Felix was really something else. He loved getting under Edward’s skin, thoughts range from how cute his wife is and how much he’d love to drink her blood. Not to mention the not so subtle winks and looks he’d send Bella’s way. Other than that he genuinely seemed the most normal, he seemed to have no issue speaking with guests and seem normal. Though this made both Alice and Bella prepared to have a stroke at any given moment. Bella prayed he wouldn’t speak to Renee. However, it was rather amusing to see Mike look Felix over and then look at himself before back at Felix seemingly comparing himself. Bella wouldn’t be the one to tell him Mike didn’t stand a chance being as muscular or tall as Felix. Know your lane Mike, and stay with it.

I enjoyed this so much, I love getting these kinds of asks :’) <3

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the-theater · 5 years ago

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Story Two: Fucks High; School For Furries And Drug Lords (Pt. 2)

AN: So Ive been tiping more offten now so my speeling wuld be better liek you all sed. SEE I CAN TAKE CRITISISM WEHN I TINK IST RIGHT

Asahi: The only problem is that you pick and choose what criticism is valid

Cherry: I just hope ya keep your word about the spellin’ improvement.

Editor's note: No. Fuck it. I can't do this.

Briar: Completely valid.

Briar: Questionable as to why she would upload this with that note attached.

I QUIT. I FUCKING QUIT. AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT? I WIN BECAUSE I HELD UP ROVA FOR TWO YEARS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Asahi: And there is the validation that this was a troll story all along.

Fuck it I can't even edit this chapter someone else go do it for Rova because I cant' even at this point

Briar: Again, completely valid.

CHAPTER 12: A NEW DAYU

Cherry: Some more sufferin’.

Today was a nice day in Forks as I got up from my bed. Just like other houms, my home had a bedroom, where I was.

Asahi: I would assume a house that people live in has a bedroom.

Cherry: Unless it’s a Sims house, then ya can make it without a bedroom.

That stupid slut Bella had been sleping in this room before I moved into it, and becaus of that I now lived ni the bedroom.

Asahi: Did you not live in a bedroom before? Were you just couch crashing?

Bella dat stupid slut now lived in the shack in the backyard of the house.

Briar: Honestly, why does she hate Bella so much?

Asahi: Right now I’m more concerned over the fact that two teenagers are living in a house despite the owner being dead.

Asahi: Correction, one teenager is living in the house, the other is living in a shack on the property.

Cherry: Even worse!

She had all of her prostitushin rackets set up back there. Stupid jocks line up every night in order to tape her ass.

Briar: Look, prostitution is a perfectly normal occupation and should be treated with the same kind of respect as any other working job.

Briar: The problem isn’t the sex workers, it’s the ones who abuse them and take advantage of them.

Cherry: Got experience with it?

Briar: Brothels and sex workers are fairly common where I’m from, or rather, about as common as it is for you guys. We’re just more… open and accepting of them?

Briar: The rules are also very strict there. I got to bear witness a Duke getting kicked out of one of them because he was being incredibly disrespectful and belligerent.

But thats enough of Bella lets go back to focusing on me.

Asahi: But I want to keep talking about Bella.

I woke up agin this morning an then I went downstairs. I realized I was nude but chadley no longer lived here sins I killed him.

Briar: And I am still very upset over you killing him. For a key of all things.

he had died and i attended his fuenerel. I was very sad at his funeral and Bella was very emo she slit her wrists at least fourteen times. I think that she lost about 12 gallons of blood when she was doing that.

Asahi: One; I don’t get why you’re sad about it. You murdered him. Two; Of course Bella is going to be sad. You murdered her dad!

Cherry: An that is way more blood than the human bodies has! Humans only got 1.5 gallons on average!

All of the bloid had spilled into chadley's coffin and it created a beautiful scene of blood. I love blood and all of the Collins love blood as well.

Maybe dat is because the Collins are vampires.

Briar: Oh, my! They like blood because they’re vampires? Who would have come to such an obvious and blatant conclusion!

Vampires, you see, like to drink the blood of humans. Animals blood will not cut it for vampires they will always have that sense of bloodliust.

Asahi: Except, the Cullen’s have been doing pretty well these last hundred years or so of being vegetarians and only feeding off of animal blood.

Cherry: She’s probs gonna change it. Take away their vegetarianism.

Anyways I wke up and then wanted to go to school again. I couldnt wait to get up and go to school because today we were nominating people for class presidwnt, which is a very prestigious role to fill.

Briar: And of course you’re going to be the class president.

Asahi: Is there even any doubt?

Last year Angel a was the class president but then she became a vampire and killed all of bella's friends. i slmost fel bad for bella but she was a major fuicking bitch before that happened and now shes better so I kind of like angela for doing that I guess.

Asahi: Justice for Bella 2020!

Anywas I got to the parking lot

Briar: Did you walk? Did your stolen care miraculously return?

and found edowred talking to his sister Alicia and his weirdo friend jaspor who was just parking his awdi.

Cherry: By “Weirdo friend” I assume ya mean “Clanmate/Adopted Brother/Brother-in-law”.

"Hi edowerd hoes it going" I asked woundering hiw his day was going

"doth far it havth bineth so goodeth" he retoted

Briar: Gah!

Briar: I almost forgot how awful his dialogue is.

I loked over at jaspor from where I was standing and talking to edowerd and Alicia. there he was all alone. Jasper had a ver tan feca for an transsecual. He was holding briught purpler maskara and he has white feac paint on.

Cherry: Can ya not with the transphobia and terrible makeup today?

Briar: More importantly; how is Alicia so easily integrating back in school when she is now a fugitive on the run from the law for breaking out of jail? The local jail at that.

He was listenin to his androwd phone becuz hes a loser and doesn't use appel phones like evrybody else does.

Asahi: Alright, I’m going to lay some facts down, and this is not entirely because I use an Android.

Asahi: As of April of 2020, the mobile operating systems worldwide market share put Android at 70% while IOS was at 28%, with the other phones such as Samsung making up the remaining percentage. That’s a 42% difference in favor of Android.

Asahi: Another study put Android at 74% for market shares, while the iPhone only made up 22%.

Asahi: Some countries use the iPhone more, but statistics are statistics. Android is the best.

"Okay edowerd its time for historee again" I remineded edowerd. If it wasn't for me edowerd would never be anywere on time because he's sooooo forgetfull.

Briar: I doubt that. He’s likely doing this so you feel better about your own inabilities.

Alicai smild and wavved as we went indoors but no then she screamed

Cherry: I’d be screamin’ too if I had to put up with this.

"LOOK OUT ITS FUCKiNG COPS" when suddenly the police came.

Asahi: Officers, if you want to earn your badges, you know who to take out.

There were two of them both with guns in their pickets just like Alicia has. When Alicia swa them she took ot her gin and ran into the building. She ran right down the halls past me and edowerd and pushed tanishashankwua out of the way as she was braidin her hare.

Cherry: Well, police raid on a school. Gonna be fun or a disaster.

Asahi: My vote on the disaster.

i luked at dem all fuouriosly.

"why do you think she's running" I questioned edowerd

Briar: “Well, she did just scream ‘cops’, and she’s on the run from the law…”

Asahi: “Ah, right. Completely justified, then.”

"I think shes going to go hide her drugs" he answered. I was glad that edowerd was here to answer all of the hard qestions for me.

Cherry: Cause knowin’ why a fugitive is runnin’ is such a hard question.

I luked deeply into his raven colured eyerises as he spoek

"stop mothafuggas it's the law" stampeded oine of the officers. Then the black guy flshed and we were assoured fo his status.

Asahi: Time to earn your keep, boys.

"what can we do for you offiser" I asked qietly

"we are investigatin the dissapeerence of chadley swan" they told me.

Cherry: There’s no disappearance. There was a funeral. Shouldn’t ya be investigating his murder?

"Chadley was a good friend of mine and he wsnted you to know that he left evurything to you Rebecca because he hated that whore bella." I nodded in assumpsion, because she was rioght.

Asahi: Justice for Bella, 2020!

Briar: I am personally insulted and disgusted. Charlie was a good man who loved his daughter dearly!

Chadley wasn't that angry when I killed him because he understud me. Charley waz why I came to live in fourks in the first palce. He was so dispointed in bella that he wanted new dawter.

Asahi: You can’t just turn your niece into your daughter just because you want to. Trust me on that.

Anyways he wouldn't be ded for long because we plan on bringin him back to luife by turning him into a vampiore!

Cherry: Without his consent? Rude!

Edowerd suddenly whispered into my feac "Lady rebecca I doth believeth that these meneth doeth noteth noeth thateth weeth hast killedeth chadlyeeth"

Briar: Because saying that in front of the cops is a great idea. No, really, keep talking. I want to see you arrested.

"OH MY FUOCKING GOID" I scramed

Asahi: Not Judah?

because he was right. I frewked OUIT! I took edwrds hand and ran at my fastest speed away rfom the cops. We had to finde a plan owt and then cover it fast, otherwise I might get in truble and have to leave fourks! I wuld have to leeve EDOWERD!

Cherry: But they don’t know you killed him?

Cherry: Ya just got to act normal and everythin’ will be—

Cherry: Ah, right. Ya don’t know what ‘normal’ means.

CHAPTRE 13: THE LECSHURE

As I rain down the hal at the quickest speed I thought baeck to my life hear in fourks. Wen I first got hear, it was chadley who introdooced me to al of his fiends and familly.

Briar: He sounds like a good uncle.

Without him bella and I wouldnt of had anything in comon. What wuld everybuddy think if they learned that I was the one who kiled chadley? Would any of them still accept me as their friend?

Asahi: Charlie was a wonderful man, they would throw you behind bars for murder.

Would edowerd love me anymore? Would I be able to hoke up with any guys I likd?

Asahi: Edward already knows you killed him. But, unless the guys are into murderers, they wouldn’t.

"Rebecca gurl wassup" asked tanishashanqua who was for my literachure clas.

Cherry: I thought you had history?

"not much gurl" I sed back. The teecher Mr. Cleerwater stated to talk about his lectur when I beagan to get bord.

"Wurks maed in dis time period were made in the modernist period. As a genrah modernism id difficult to defaine because there are no set kwalifyers that determine if sumthing is modernistic or not. Despite the lac of a koncreate definition it is stil posible to determinh if a work is modernisitic or noit.

Asahi: I feel like this is both true and not true?

Cherry: A lotta the early modernist writers addressed changin’ ideas, like ones by Darwin, Einstein and so on. It also took place after WW1, so there was a lotta disillusionment.

Cherry: I think stream-of-consciousness became a writin’ technique during the modernism period?

Cherry: All I really know though is that Virginia Woolf was a big leaguer in the modernism community.

I argu that Bernisee Boobs Her Hair

Asahi: …What?

is a piece of literashure efectedby modernism b/c of the mane caracters alienation form teen sosiety, the wurk's analisis of a formeing generashional gap, and da pushing fo social boundries in wich the mane character indules in,,,"

Briar: Look, I have no idea what’s even going on right now.

Asahi: Same.

I stooped listening to the fuicking boreing lecshure going on because I new that school was a waist of time and that we shouldbt be talking about ded people anways.

Asahi: Wrong.

Briar: Very wrong.

Briar: History is important, learning from the mistakes of the dead is important. Learning is important.

Briar: Unless you want to spend your entire adult life working on a farm or worse because you’ve not the education for anything else, and possibly being sold for the same price of a goat because your family needs the money for food since you’re inadequacies have left you without a sustainable job and your family is now starving.

Cherry: …That’s a bit insultin’ to farmers an a lot of other people. An sellin’ people’s illegal here.

Briar: Sorry. Different cultures. Different cultural norms. Farmers are great, they’re important beyond words. But, and I’m speaking for my world, not for yours, the average man doesn’t possess the same academic background and knowledge as…say…a crowmaster, or a magistrate.

Asahi: I guess it makes sense. I mean, we’re talking about a world that’s essentially still in the dark ages. Not the brightest of people.

Briar: Rude.

Besides if I had any qustions about the paste I could just ask edowerd since he was born in 190.

Cherry: Edward’s old. But he aint that old.

Asahi: 1901, to be precise. Makes him about 119 years old.

"psst tanishashanqua" I tryd to get her atention but it loked like she was to busy talking notes.

Briar: Like a good student.

Tanishadshanqua cums from a getto neyborhood in fourks were peple get robed and shot a lot. Tanshina had red scarlet hare from her head drapping down to her but wich was very pretty but nt very easy to taek caer of. But she did her hare in a getto way so it loked fuckign ugly most of the tiem.

Briar: Rude.

Cherry: I’ll have ya know, those ‘ghetto’ hair-styles ya think are so ugly are actually really, really cool an beautiful. If ya, ya know, actually take care of your hair.

Cherry: But any hairstyle looks gross if yer never washin’ it.

For sumone who alwaeys does peples hares she cant do her own very wel.

"god (judah) gurl what is it" she angrilee ansered. Shanquas god is also Judah like just me.

Asahi: Judah isn’t a God. Unless you’re making up a God. Judah’s a son of Jacob.

Asahi: If your talking about Judaism, their God is the same God that’s in Christianity and Islamism. Hence why it’s called the Abrahamic Religions. Same God, different methods of worship, and different names for Him.

Asahi: Then again, I’m no expert on religion.

"is it bad to kill someone if they are hurtin sumone you hold closse"

"hell fucking yea" she happilee exckaimed

"but why" I wonderered

"becase if the popo cetch ya then youll get your ass thrown in jhail cracka"

"oh" I realized. Mr. Cleerwater was still taking very boringlee about thinsg that just didnt apply to me.

Briar: Murder is generally frowned upon in most circumstances. I’m not going to say it’s not complicated and there are situations where killing someone is necessary, for self-protection or for justice. But—

Briar: There is no justification that would make killing Charlie okay.

",,, a metaphor for the transfomeshin that amerikan sosiety was maekin in the jaz era. Modernist valyoos and a diselusionment frum the great war evokd progresive konsepts that were new and bould, sum reseeved wel and others reseeved poorly. The conflict between Bernise and Marjoree is indikativ of clashs in sosietal norms that transishional America wuz fasing"

Asahi: As an avid reader, the way she’s bastardizing what would have been an interesting lecture annoys me.

He finaly finished and I was gladf becuse that was serioiusly the most borng piece of shit lectur I ever had to site through and reed. But now I could talk to edowerd and go find Alicia so that was good.

Cherry: Does your entire life revolve around Edward?

"Hey edowerd what are we doing about the cops" I asked

"wee doth need to destroyeth thine evidence or putteth the blameth on someone elserth" he answered grately.

Asahi: I know what you’re thinking and don’t you dare. Do not pin this on Bella!

" I wasn't too shure about this because I wanted to do gud things dep down. I thoght it was helping Alicia to kill chadley but I guess im just misunderstud.

Briar: You’re a complete idiot who thought murdering Charlie was the proper thing to do to save Alicia.

Briar: You never even tried to consider an alternative way of freeing her that wouldn’t involve bloodshed. Such as, oh, I don’t know…

Briar: Having her use her vampiric super strength to break the bars and free herself? Or having Emmett, whose unique vampire power is being physically stronger than the average vampire, break the bars and free her.

Briar: You could have even waited until Charlie fell asleep and took the keys then.

Asahi: That all requires her to think. She doesn’t know how to.

Then the bell rang and I loked up. It was bella in the hall. I tought she loked like a fucking scank with syfilis in her fishnet stalkins and slutty pink miniskirts but I gess guys jsut liek that shit or sumthing.

Cherry: Look, I may not want to see em on me, but fishnets an miniskirts are pretty damn sexy.

Anyways the poiny of this is tht I realizd something.

"edowerd. I think I found someone who can taek the blame!" I sed.

Asahi: The one thing I asked you not to do!

"Nay my lady weeth canteth doeth thateth Rebecca sheth iseth youreth cousin." Edowerd told me.

Asahi: Thank you Edward! For being a voice of reason for once!

Eh loked so fuicking hawt undur the nergy efishent lights in the hall. Loking into his eys I had a memory in my head of whn we were kids. We where on the playgrownd in Mexico and she kicked a bounch of sand in my feace and then ran to her mom and said I did it. Judah (god) shes just so fuking jewvenile.

Briar: You guys lived in Mexico?

Cherry: Uh, juvenile makes sense, considerin’ ya were kids. That’s what the word means.

Cherry: Though I can’t blame her for kickin’ sand in your face.

"So what, she was always meen to me when I first came to fourks" I retoted.

"But she used to be my friends and Jakubs" Edowerd sed. I admitt that he sotr fo had a point but then agin jabuc's friends did raep her that one time wich I liked because it gav her an atitood adjustmint.

Briar: And we’re just cementing the fact that you are a terrible person by justifying your cousins rape. Just reading that makes my stomach churn.

"Ever since she got raped she changed" I pleated to edowerd.

Asahi: Jeez, I wonder why! Could it have been the trauma of a violent attack she suffered? The result of PTSD over being raped and her own family justifying what she went through?

Now we here slowly waking down the hal to the presidents office so that I could run for the election. That was when SHE appeared! It was ROSE! And she was waking towards me at her ful potenshil.

Cherry: The true queen of the series has arrived!

"Havent you dun enuff to her already?" Asked Rosey who had cum up to su in the hal to ask us about that.

Asahi: Yes, she has. Thank you for noticing.

Rosse was stading uprite and was easily a hed taler than me. She was paler then edowerd but had beyutiful blond hare wich flowed evanesentlee in the breez. Rosey iz always gettin in my bizness and begin a whiney bitch in geenral. I tel her that she can og fuock off sumtimes but she nevr listens unlik wedowrd.

Briar: Because she isn’t a pushover who will take shit from someone like you.

Edowird loked at me and then instately he understode wat I wantd. becuz the trtuh is hat i was slowlee failing fo him and I think he was faling for me too

Cherry: You’re still saying you’re ‘slowly’ falling for each other? Girl, ya fell for each other in chapter one.

"Rossey why are doth here?" edowird inkwired for me

"Im hear to registr fro the posishin of president of the skool" she sed wiht hatrid in her voyse!

Asahi: She’s got my vote.

Briar: Mine too.

Cherry: Anythin for our queen.

"WHA TDA FUOCK" I scraemed in foury. Edowird wuld have smaked rossey but he and me are too scared of her sinse shes an assassin.

Asahi: I’m sorry, what?

Asahi: First of all, Edward wouldn’t smack Rosalie, she’s family.

Asahi: Second, when did she become an assassin—oh right. Newborn. Royce and his friends. The wedding dress. Yeah, she’s a bit of an assassin.

"do I need to remind u that I hav a lisens to kill Rebecca" rossey asked. i shut up becuz theres no way edowrid culd take rossey in a fight. Shes just way to powurful.

Cherry: Rosalie you are our queen! Ya could kill em now an no one would mind.

"im just kiddin gurl. But seriosly don't cross me bitoc" she warned before she waked ot of the presidont registashin rum. Judah (God) rosey is such a bitch. It's good though because shes a assassin and its her job to kill people and because shes a vampier she has a speshal deal with the FBI to let her murdr peple.

Briar: That’s not… how any of that works.

Briar: But you do you?

But anyways then deowred and me went and registurd for the cvampain. But then jsut as we were waking out of the rum da two poleece offisirs akosted us.

"WE SIAD STOOP MOTHAFUOGGERS" they SCRAEMD and then da officer waved his pisstul at great shot towards me an edowerd.

Asahi: Please hit. I beg you, please hit!

Suddenly rosy came and she tuk out her two guns and shout the bullet in mid aer, and pointed the gunms at da ofisers. She hade taken her sunglases off wich ment dat she ment serious bizness noaw.

"bitch plz ill fuck u both up" she sed smoothlee.

Cherry: I believe ya. But why are ya shooting at the cops? Shouldn’t ya be shooting Rebecca?

Den she shot one of the ofisers in her brest and she scramed "OWWWW" she screamed loudlee. "get out of here you wil onlee get in da way" she sed angrilee to us. If she wusnt heplign us rite now I wuld smaeck her for bein such a biotch but dat wasnt the situashin rite no w so I culdnt.

Briar: Please. You smack her and you lose your hand.

Asahi: I want her to do that because I want her to lose her hand.

Meenwile Edowerd and mee ran az fast az i culd, huryeing. We onlee had dis one chans to frame bella for chadleys deth and THIS WAS IT!

Asahi: Damn it all!

chaptwer 15 - edowerds chois

Edowerd and me ran duwn the hals of the skool trying not to get hti by the bulets from roses two guns.

Briar: Wait, now Rosalie is shooting them?

"EVERYBDOY HIT THE FUCKIng DEK" Mr cleerwater screemed at the tiop of his vice. A bunch of the students weer runnin and jumin and trying to not gethuit by the bulets flyinhg evreywere.

Cherry: Understandable. I’d be freakin’ out if someone shot up my school.

Mike nuton who had survivd earlyer becuz he had an emergencee braen transfushin got shot in his you no wat and was ded for real.

Asahi: …Okay?

Asahi: I feel bad for the guy, but… we already thought he was dead so there’s really no impact.

I felt bad for the ofisers becuz they weree going to di e today and there waz nothung they culd do to kil rose becaus she was a vampier who wurked for the govermint. I guess thats how the Collinss have alwas manajed to stasy hiden.

Briar: It’s not because of all the hard work and care they put into not being found out, no, it couldn’t be that.

Suddenly the hole skool was bein invaded by police men. They were jumpin trhough the windoes of the skoll and were sprayin the pace with t here buillets. One of them jumped out in front of me and loked scray.

Asahi: Is this kind of excessive violence normal in American schools?

Cherry: Yes an no.

"CUM WITH US OR WELL KIL YOU" a man scramed at me. I was gonna complie with what he waented but then he tuched me. I wuz going to be scraed but i dont taek that shitr from no one not evne edowird so I got out my anti-raep knife and stabed hi times with it in the nek [AN: SEE REBECKA IS SMART SHE WENTT FORn THE ONLYU SPOIT WERE THE HELKEMT WASNT IN THRE WAY] an dhis neck stated to sprasy bloud everywere.

Asahi: I’ll admit, going for that is a smart spot to aim, smarter than I thought she was.

Asahi: But stabbing isn’t smart at all.

Cherry: Congrats. You are now a cop-killer. Not a good thing.

"MI LADY DOTH THINKETH THATETH WE SHOULDETH GETETH TO BELLAETH" edowurd caresed. Suddenly a coip cum and shoit edowerd in the ches tiems in the cheast. I fel to the grund unce i saw this because edowerd is the luv of my life. I cruied ebanesent teers of sorrow and the teer drops feel onto his chest.

Briar: Uh… vampire? Immortal? Ringing a bell?

"Rebeca, doth shall not falleth in loveth witheth me" he sed sexily to me. Then i realsed i had nothing to worree about because edowurd was a vampier which means he cant die.

Briar: You’re idiocy is honestly astounding.

Then my evanednt teers becaem teers of joi wich brawt edowerd back fro m his slumber. I relized that he was my solmate in leif.

Cherry: Urgh.

Cherry: I hate soulmate tropes.

"GOD FUICKING DAMMIT EDOWERD DONT YOU DEI ON ME AGAIN" i screamd at him. How daer he maek me care abut him when he wasnt really dyeing!

Asahi: “How dare he make me think he’s dying when he got shot!”

But there wasnt tiem to get angree becuz the soldurs were stil cuming and shooting all thruout the halls. Edowerd pucked me up with amasing hotness and sped and doodged all of teh bulits and caried me to safetee in the bathrum were i fought angela to a draw earlyr.

Briar: Well, that’s a load of horseshit.

Briar: You didn’t “Fight” her. You hid in the stalls and crawled on the floors until Edward came in.

And then we saw or objektiv: BELA. She was jsut gettin owt of the stal and writing in her emoshinal dairy wen edowerd and i tackled her. I was hapy becase bella is an anti enviyormentalst hu has had this cuming to her for a loung tiem.

Asahi: Justice. For. Bella!

She wuz probably doin drugz in the stal enyways [AN: KIDS DONT DO DROUGS THEY AER BAD FOR U].

Cherry: I hate when I have ta agree with her.

"WHAT THE FUICK ARE U GUYS DOIN" she scramed at the toip of her lungs. I smaeked that skanc in his feace and then edowerd tyed her up with sum rope.

Briar: I hope that our generous host allows us to visit these worlds of fanfiction at some point.

Briar: I do wish to show Rebecca what justice looks like.

"Rebecca milady i doeth noteth thinketh thateth weeth shouldeth doth beeth doingeth thiseth" he woredlee exsclaimd. I tuk a step baeck and loked at the situashin. Bella was tyed up in rope in one of the stals and edowerd and me were abut to leav her.

"Edowerd if i dont do this then theyll find out it was me who kiled chadley" I pleded.

"fuck you!" bella scraemed at me.

Asahi: A completely justifiable reaction.

"excuse me emo bitch who da fuck ased U!?" i was so close to taking out my antiraep nife and just stabing tha t mothafuocking bitch but then i remembred that kiling is onlee okay to saev peopul and that if i wuz gonna folow judah then i hav to sav thigns like the enviyorment

Cherry: Aaaah she pisses me off so much!

"FIRST YOU KIK ME OWT OF THE HOSE THEN YoU KIL CHADLEY WHAT THE FUICK DO YOU WAENT FROM ME" she wuz crying now. her teers wer driping down her feace and making al of her emo maekup cum off. I laffed becuz she wuz being so fcking whinny and was crying and so did edowerd.

Briar: Bella, your cousin is a sociopath… or is it a psychopath?

Briar: It doesn’t matter which. Your cousin is extremely fucked up in the head and you deserve so much better.

Anywaes wile she wuz cryin we toke one of my anti raep nifes (i always have spaers) and put it in bellas fuoking uglee flanell coat pokit. Wit this evidunce on her theres no way i culd be cot for my criem.

Asahi: Reading this is so painful.

"edowerd MAEK HER STOP OR ILL SAY YOU RAEPED ME" she finaly screemed in despuration.

"NO EDOWERD IF U STOP ME ILL SAY U RAEPED ME AND DEN STAB U WITH MY ANTI RAPE NIFE" i screemed ever loudlier. It tuk a moment for edowerd to undrstaen the situashin he wuz in.

Cherry: Edward should just walk away and leave the both of them.

"Bella I doeth not doth luveth thee hancefourth andeth becuzeth ofeth this i henceforth shall helpeth milady rebecca" he sumblee staetd.

BUT IT WAS TO LAET BECUZ THEN THE VAMPIER ANGELA APEARD AGIN IN THE BATHROMO!

Asahi: Angela to the rescue!

Asahi: Save Bella, I am begging you!

AN: Pepol wer beign nice

*Applauds loudly* My dear, this is BRILLIANT! Simply BRILLIANT! Such fresh, funny style! Such wonderful cohesion between references to other trollfics and your own unique elements! And the Bella-bashing-GENIUS! You have clearly done your research! Thank you so much for this fic, which has brought joy and laughter into the heart of many a weary snarker.

Sincerely,

Anya the Purple

Briar: I see we’ve a traitor in our midst.

Cherry: I think Anya was being very nice about callin’ it a trollfic.

yeha i dunt no y but pepul cal me a trol wich is wrong cuz im a human and i dunt liv enderneth a bridge and aske peuple ridels but whatever its nice i gess

Asahi: Your clearly not that intelligent. But we knew this already.

but then i got sum haters so fuock u guys

LightningHunter 10/2/12 . chapter 1

Ya know even my 8 year old cousin can spell better than you.

Asahi: I’m pretty sure I can write better English than her. An I only know English when I’m here. That’s saying something.

Let me say oneeee more thing ...

YOU SUCK !

NO YOU SUCK U JSUT CANT UNDERSTAND THE CIMPLIKATD WOURLD TAT REBECA LIVS IN AD HER FLITE FROM FOURKS U JUST DOTN GET TI

Briar: You’ve literally given us no reason to like or sympathize with Rebecca. She’s an abusive, controlling, manipulative fiend who resorts to excessive violence when she sees something she doesn’t like.

Briar: She’s not a likable character at all, and the spelling just makes everything worse.

chapter 16 Angela vs Rebeca

OH NO it was the vampior ANGELA who had kiled all fo bellas fiends erlier.

Asahi: I wouldn’t be surprised at this point if she did it because she was a yandere for Bella. I honestly want it to be for that reason.

She waked sexilee beack in forth wearing only a whait thoing and skarlit fishnet stolkings and a goldin bikeenee top and purpul six inhc hi heels. I no it sunds wierd but trust me she wuz pulin them of.

Cherry: You’re right.

Cherry: It sounds super weird.

"OHG FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK" bella scramed at the toop of her lungs. But it hd no efect becuz outsied the gunfite wuz stil going on and insied we were so no sound bullits becuz gun cant sownd

Briar: No sound because bullets can’t sound…?

Asahi: Clearly someone has never heard a gun go off.

"I AM HEER TO FINIS HWHAT I STATED A LOUNG TIEM AGO" the vamprior angel screemed!

"O NO U DONT BIOTCH I NEDE HER TO NOT GO TO JALE" I screemed baeck.

Cherry: I’m hoping that what she is referring to is to finish the last bathroom scene with Rebecca.

Cherry: I’m with you on the yandere theory, Asahi.

Asahi: At this point, it’s the only thing I will accept from this story.

I tuk my sekond anti raep nife our fo my pockit and poyntid it at the biotch. Angela was instately assoured of my potenshil and tuk out a thre yard long samurai sorde.

Briar: Knife versus sword. The knife-user could win if they’re good. But Angela is a vampire. Super-human reflexes and strength, and the advantage of length for the sword.

Briar: Logically, there is no way that Rebecca should win.

Asahi: Since when has this story followed logic?

Briar: Fair point.

"no no no no no no no FUCK YOU YO MOTHWERFUOCKER" I sreemed agin but agin it dindt hav any afect on the situashin. "EDOWIRD HLEP ME" but it wuz no use he wasnt in the batroom with mee.

Cherry: When’d he leave?

Cherry: I mean, I ain’t complaining, we even said he ought to just leave. I just woulda liked to know he had left.

"JUDAG FUOCKING DAMMIT I HAET ALL OF U BIOTCHEZ!" The vampiore angela was goign to kil me! "NO GETBELLA SHES TYED UP" Angla tuk anther step to me and sudenly a GUNSHOUT WERNT OFF!

"yo homie wats up" tanishashanqua sed. IT WAS ALICIA AND TANISHASHANKWA DEY WEER HEER TO RESCU ME!

Briar: Why would you rescue her and not Bella, the clear victim here.

"Yo you on my turf fuckor best be gettin off it" alicia wanred. Alicai had here pistul frum the other day in her haend adn had usde it to atack agela!

"btch plz shes maine" angela sed and then luged at bella. I wuz so glad dat she wusnt after me al along!

Asahi: No, no, she didn’t say Bella died. This could still be Angela rescuing her.

hen alicia caem up to me and sed "we have to staek her in the hart to kil her" she sed and then gaev me a shotgun "but dont use it yet kep it for later". I noded my hed in awarnes.

Asahi: Specifically, you should shoot it when the barrel is pointed at yourself for the optimal effect.

"ill fcuking kill u you motharfucker!" and wit that alicia shot angela in the faec four tiemes but onlee got 2 hits becuz she was gonong so fsat but tashinaquasha bit angela in the hand and then angela pushed hr in the face! But then kasper apperd and klawed angelas face with his womins nales and den angela stopped

Briar: I would be happy to never see Jasper in this story again. Just to stop with the anti-trans remarks.

Cherry: How is it two vamps an two humans can’t take down one, presumably newborn, vamp?

"I WILL BE BAECK LATEr" she scremed and then gav me the Katana "YOU MUST KIL BELA WHEN THE TIEM COMES" she scremed and then disappeared.

Asahi: Oh come on!

Asahi: Angela! I believed in you!

Edowerd cum and then we huged together in frunt of evereeoen. Dis maed me crai becuz we were taking our relashonship to a new levul. Except dat i felt his thingee when we toched and then i broke up and i smaked him for being a PERVURT!

Asahi: This hurts me.

Cherry: This hurts everyone.

"yo moon why is bella tyed up" alicai and kaspor asked.

"becuz we need her to go to jale insted fo me" i sed hapilee

"u caent do that" caspor sed.

Asahi: Thank you, Jasper!

Then i stabed him with my new ANTI RAEP CATANAA in leg becuz even tho he thinks hes a women hes jsut a confuzed maen and hes stil in the girls rum

Briar: Wait, I’m confused now. Is Jasper a transwoman or a transman in this?

"U FUOCKING RAPER SPOT TRYIGN TO SEX ME WITH UR EYS" I stabed. Kaspor went nuts tho and then tried to byet me but pedowerd stoiped him ad then he ran of.

Briar: Why is Rebecca not in prison for assault yet? A man just looks at her and she stabs him.

Asahi: Because the author believes she can do no wrong.

Then alicia told me dat i culdnt fraem bella for chadleys deth becuz she had an abili so we were back to skware 1.

Asahi: Thank you Alicia! Thank you.

AN: okay so im getin som h8trs

Cherry: Shocker.

Flawless Obsession 10/8/12 . chapter 8

Out of all this story that I had the displeasure of reading, this is the only thing I understood.

Go on then and show how immature you are.

but u no wat im gona ruse abuv it liek jesus crist wuld want me 2. u r a fuker and i caent chaneg dat but i can kepe doign wat im doign regadeless of the critcizm becuz to b a grate riter u hav to folo ur dreemsd and ur hart wich i am soing.

Asahi: To be a great writer, you also need a solid comprehension of spelling, grammar, and basic storytelling.

Asahi: You have none of that.

Cherry: I can honestly see why her editor dipped out.

chapter 17 - edowerd betrays

Cherry: Hooray! Good for him.

"Wait moon before you go"

Briar: And you still call her ‘Moon’, I see.

alicia approched me wit determinashin in her eies. She we wearing her usual drug dealor uniformn and had matching redd earings. She had died her hare paink with purpol hilites andit was weet from the intens battel we had hade earlier.

Briar: That fight was supposed to be intense?

Briar: I’ve seen kids play-fighting with more intensity.

"What is it alicai" i pated her heed becuz it luked liek she was having a rouff day. [AN: SEE REBEKA HAS EMPATHEE SHES NOT A SYKOPATH]

Asahi: Well, that’s just a lie.

Cherry: Most of the time, Rebecca can’t even be bothered to consider anyone but herself.

"I need you to help me with sumthing" she sed with anger in her face.

"What is it" i questined expektently wile trying to find my voyce in my throet.

"Well i kno why all of the cops are invadin the scool and kiling people" she sed...

Asahi: Does it have anything to do with one of their men being murdered and you, a convicted druglord, busting out of jail?

Cherry: Or all the murders an assaults?

"Wait why" i asked inkwizatively.

"I was in the kemistry rum and was trying to make a new super droug for my biznes when i acidently mixed the drug with a buncha blud sampels i found in mr Chocoluvs ofiss" she sed. I saw a singul teer drop folowed by two more teer drops fal down her face and hut the florwich both caem from her eies.

Briar: Huh, the bloodsamples are actually going to play a part?

Briar: Color me surprised.

"so what" i sed. We hade more pressing maeters to atttend to like the dedly virus spredin!

Asahi: I’m sorry, the what spreading?!

"It mutated into a virus becuz of the vamprie blud. the birus will kils anyone who breethes it in and then whoever breethed it wil die if they arent a vampier" Juda damit this fuocking shit is why alicia doesnt have any friends that arent me and edowerd and caspor and jemmet and rosalee and tanishashashankwa.

Cherry: Sounds like she’s got plenty of friends.

Cherry: Also, that virus is a pretty big deal!

"wen did u do this" edowerd asked

"earlyr today" alicai asnwered. "i ran off to chek on the sampuls when i fiorst saw hte cops this mourning". Then she left the bathromo just liek she caem earlyr.

"uh oh" i sed. This culd be a probelm for the rest of the skool. "wil i be safe?" i asked questionately.

Briar: Of course not.

"yes milady" edowerd replierd. "doth loveth and salieva frum hence my moutheth wil power thee to lifeth." Edowerd sed sexily. I wuznt luking right at him but i culd see his sexy reflekshin in the bathrum miror.

Asahi: I can’t say anything about that because Twilight vampires have reflections.

We wer al alone in the bathrum so i finaly pooped the qustion to my lover.

"hey edowerd wanna sex" i asked lovnglee.

Cherry: Hey, we were right. The ‘no sex before marriage’ didn’t hold up.

"yes milday i doth think it wuld be plesureable" he sed.

"WELL TO BAD ITS A TARP! I DUNT BELIVE IN SEX BEFOR MARIAGE AND YOU FALLED THE TEST" I scremed and began to crie.

Asahi: Wow.

Asahi: She is a terrible girlfriend.

Cherry: That’s just… you asked him a question, wanting something don’t mean the same as actually doin’ it.

Edowrd had betrayd me and now i was al alone in the wurld.

Briar: Exaggeration. That’s not a betrayal.

Briar: Now, Edward breaking your trust by revealing some very damaging information about you to some people who immediately use it to ruin your chances of the high-class position you had been set to take, all for some superficial thing in return, forcing you to live in squalor for a period of time and eventually finding a high-stress very dangerous job where you’re underappreciated despite how important you are, all the while he takes the job you had originally been set to have. Now that’s a betrayal.

Asahi: Uh… speaking from experience?

Briar: Hypothetical.

Asahi: ...Okay?

I ran owt of the bathrom betrayd by edowerd and jsut ran down the hals. I ran rely fast and then began to smel the viris that alicaia had ben talking abut.

Cherry: If we’re lucky, you’ll die.

I shreemly luked down the hals at all the ded boodies. All of the coips were ded on the grund. I herd a really disgustin noiz cuming from down the hal. I tuk out my shotgun htat alicia had given me earlyer and slowlee creepedd up on them. I GASPOED when i saw who it was!

Briar: Well that cliffhanger could have been better.

Asahi: A lot of this story could have been better.

chapter 18 - rebeca vs Hames

Cherry: Hames?

Cherry: Ah, fuck.

Cherry: James.

It was the two vampiors from the cleering earlyrs the other day! Except for the gai who i kiled with the rock!

Asahi: At least you remembered you killed one.

Asahi: With a rock.

"I THOGUHT I TOLD U TO FUCK OFF" I voyced at them. Then they got up from the blud on teh grund.

"bitch plez im a teachor now" sed the guy in the leathur bicker jackit.

Briar: He teaching history? Tracking?

Cherry: I’d be fine with him teachin’ either.

He luked realy evil unlike edowerd and me.

Asahi: You’re the evilest one here.

His hare was even moar black then before and drapped down to his feete. Hiz faec was covered in fucking uglee peersings wich maed him luk like a transvestite.

Briar: Ah yes. Transphobia. Such a brave thing to explore.

To his side was his ladee, the biotch with the minijeen skurt so teeny dat you culd see her you-no-what exsept not anymore becuz she was wearin flor length jeens so loung that you culdnt see her shoes anymore. She hade a wors dres sens than bella wich i didnt thuink was posibul.

Cherry: An your style is any better?

"wich meens we can disciplin u now for kiling our leeder you runt" the biotch sed. She tuk owt a mikerofone from her purse and he tuk out a gitar from his back and they both ekwipped their wepins and began to use them atme!

Cherry: Wait… this a rock battle now?

Asahi: They’re a band of rockers. Oddly not surprising.

"DO YOU NO WHO I AM" I SCREEMED AT THEM.

Briar: An abusive, manipulative, psychotic fiend.

I tuk out my Catana and my shotgun to show them that I was a stroing independant womin! But it didnt stop them so i screemed for hlep!

Asahi: What happened to you being a “Strong, independent woman”?

Cherry: At least try before ya start screamin’ for help!

"EDOWERD" I stated but then i remebered that i was done with taht trayter's bulshitt so i scredmed for sumone else "KASPOR! REMMET! ANYONEEE!" but it hade no afect so i ran down the hal paste mr cleerwater.

Briar: She had a gun and a sword, she could have at least stood her ground.

Asahi: She’s a fake, what do you expect?

"stop this is a violashin of skool rules you despicabul dunce" mr cleerwaetr he sed to me but it was to late becuz Hammes and Vitorio kiled him with theyre bad muzik [AN: ROUCK IS STUPID AND REBECA DOEZNT LISEN TO IT]

Cherry: Well fuck you!

and by hiting him with their gitars and pursus. I new he was ded becuz then they beheded him and then ate the hed! Hten they kept cuming for ME!

Briar: Eating the head seems excessive. But who am I to judge.

"WE ARE GOIGN TO AVENJE FORAUNT" Vitorio methodiculy wispurd in my direkshin. We had run trhough the siense wing of the skool and were now in the halth wing. [AN: furks high is atachde to the hospitul]

Briar: Is that—

Asahi: I don’t think any school is attached to the hospital.

Cherry: But it explains how Bella got released back to class so quickly.

"ill sav u rebekka!" it was JACUB who had an AX!

Asahi: Why not turn into your wolf form? That’d be more effective than an axe.

He was shitless and stading in the hal with an axe and his musculor bild and tan skin maed me horny rite then an there. He had hade a harecut and now he luke d like a cros between Brad Pity and Chanin Taytim and Zaeck F-Ron and Nail Patrik Harrus (eksept withut him beign gau) Exsept jakub is a native indien.

Cherry: We get it. He’s sexy.

"WYH ARE U DOIGN THIS" Jakub axd [AN: Hahaha GET TI!?].

Briar: It’s a bad pun.

"ITS BECUZ I LOVE REBECA" Hamees sed! Jakub and me and Citoria all GASPED!

Asahi: Excuse me?

Asahi: No. Nope. Get that crap out of here!

Asahi: We’re not doing this stupid love triad today. No we are not.

Sudenly everyting in the wurld stoped and the spotlite was on Hames who had jsut professored his undieign luv to me.

"Yes its true even tho i use u for sex Clitoria i dunt realy loev you" he sed.

Cherry: One; rude of ya to use someone just for sex.

Cherry: Second; what the fuck? Clitoria? That’s just insultin!

But he saw stil runign toewerds me so i had to housely dodj the atack. Then he got on 1 foot and stated to plau his gitar at me. He stated singing Im a B by the Blaeck I Ps which I haet becuz onlee loisers listen 2 mainstreem muzic.

Cherry: I hate when they bring music into this!

Wile he waz serenating me Jakub choped of his arm with hs ax and then Games ran away likea bithc. Jakub was sweeting and painting and he piked me up with his arms and tuk me away from the sene. It was so hot liek out of a bluckbuster movee.

Asahi: Lame.

Asahi: Very lame.

"I am going to taek you to owr leeder Rebeca" he sed. I didnt liek his rurry fiends but i wuld deel with it becuz i wuznt in a situashin to argeu at the moment.

"who is ur leeder" i asked as he carryd me paste all of the karnage.

"luk for yourself" he sed and then I saw who it was. I gawsped! IT WAS...

Cherry: Sam Uley. The leader of the pack is Sam Uley. At least until Jacob splits and makes a different pack.

chapter 19 - The wearwolvs

"Look for yourself" he sed and then I saw who it was. I gawsped! IT WAS... LEYA CLEERWATER!

Briar: I mean, I’m not against her being the alpha.

Briar: But, why?

Leya was stading dere with her platinom hare with yellow hilites swiging back and forth in the wiund. She hade a lether halter top on with a mathing corset and skurt. She had a batleax ekwiped in her belt and she luked like a pierit in her owtfit wich was awsum becuz piraets are cool.

Cherry: Damnit! I hate when I gotta agree with her!

To leas left was her bruther seth cleerwater

Briar: Ah, right. The one who raped Bella in this.

and to her right was her cuzin samiel gangee. They both luked like indiens with there shurts off.

Asahi: They look like Native American’s because they are.

I rememred seth frum the day that he raeped bella. It was a sad storee actuoally for bella but mostlee for seth. You see indian wearwolfs do this thing caled imprisoning were they imprison on some1 and then luv them forever. Its so romaentic.

Briar: No, it’s not romantic, it’s called kidnapping. It’s illegal. The fact that you find it romantic is actually pretty messed up.

Briar: And it doesn’t justify what Seth did to Bella at all.

Enywayz I lerned frum Clemmet that seth imprisond on him and tha they were GAY for each oher [AN: REBECA DOEZNT H8 GAYZ CUZ GAIS ARE HOTTT THOGETHER ONLEE TRANSECUALS ARENT THEY DUNT NO WAT THEY R]! (rosey was okay with dis becuz she thinks guy on gui is hawt)

Briar: Hrm. This makes me want to be very violent.

Asahi: Agreed.

But Seth didnt waent to be gay so he tryed to repreve his innur demions. First he went to Carliel the collins father who is also a priest to get an exsorsism but it dindt wurk.

Cherry: So Carlisle went from doctor to priest. Odd career change.

So he rapped dat fucking whore bella in frustrishin to be normal. But he was such a biotch it didnt wurk and he cryed the entier tiem.

Asahi: Doesn’t justify what he did to Bella.

But it didnt wurk and then he went all emo becuz if he was gay then he culdnt b a wearwolv anymore. Jemmet culdnt b with him becuz of the wearwolv thuing. Now thungs are bettr becuz seht jsut rejects that part of himsefl.

Cherry: You reject the gay part of you or the werewolf part? Cause you can’t do that for either.

"JACOBO" Lea scremed angrilee waving her battleax baeck and forth

"WAT" he scremed back waving hsi own ax back and forth

Briar: You’re werewolves, not angry lumberjacks.

"Why hav u brught her here to owr secret base" she askd pointing at ME! I was too shiocked to speek!

"she is on our side now" he sed. I luked dreemily into his face as he spoke. His wolfy sent was makin me so fuocking horny waaaay hornieer than edowerds ever did. I dont no why i even bothered with that stupifd hore of a man becuz he was always staking bella before i caem here enyways.

Asahi: I have a solution for all of this! Rebecca can be with Jacob, that way Jacob can stop being an obsessive creep over Bella. And then Bella and Edward can be together like they are supposed to be.

"She can help us defete the evil overlorde!"

"You meen..." I sed and then pauzd and covered my mouth with my hand and then my otha hand... he wuz talking about the onlee person wrose than bella in fourks... "U meen ESME!?" I scremed?

Cherry: I honestly forgot she was even in this story. She got one mention and nothin’.

Cherry: But now she’s an evil overlord? Respect.

"YES! HER!" he sed puting me down gentlee on teh grund. "she is the master of the collins... and the onlee thing stoping us frum being normal!" he sed ultimatly into my faec.

Briar: Isn’t it cause there are vampires in your location in general?

We maed eye contect and i instately new that we had waaaay more kemistree than that fuocker edowird and me did.

Asahi: Then take my advice!

"but waite how are u immune to the virus" i askd assurdly to all 4 of them. Leya was the onlee 1 to steep forwerd to ansur my qwestion.

Cherry: Why are you immune?

"we have super strength" she sed vicariusly.

"oh ok" I sed assurd.

Briar: That… doesn’t explain your immunity.

"so rebecca will u hlep us to defeet the collins" seth sed sadlee. Then I remembered that kiling all of the collins wuld meen dat demmet the luv of saths lief wuld aslo dye. He wuz being braevr then any1 i no by folowing his clan insted of his hart. I new then dat I HADE to do this 4 seth and semmet.

Cherry: I see you’re quick to murder Edwards family.

Cherry: Who’s the true traitor here?

"but wait how can I help" I askd.

"there are secret polise at this skool who want to stop us wearwolfs. Sum of the collins work for all fo them. Agenla used to be a part of there fors but then she defeeted. If we defeet esme then rosalees spuy netwurk will HAVE to shut down!

Briar: Or the assassin and very capable woman that Rosalie is will kill all of you without any effort.

Briar: Ah but that’s just poppycock.

And U can get baeck to edowerd and truck him into letting u into there hose!" Lea scremmed!

But waite! i didnt waent ALL of the collins to dye! Onlee that fucking biotch esme!

Asahi: Look, listen, if you let one of them live, that’s one person who will likely seek out revenge against you. You have to kill them all.

Briar: I have to agree with him.

Cherry: Nip it in the bud before the circle of revenge can start.

"lets not kil all of them" I bargind.

"yes ur rite we will onle kil esme and rosaless if she gets in the way. Jacob go with her to compleet the misshin im trusting u" Leya sed.

AN: I got moar h8ers. h8ers goign 2 h8 is all ill say EKSEPT FOR U:

Cherry: Ya only open yourself up to the hate.

Radiant As You 10/15/12 . chapter 18

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS UGLY, DISGUSTING, STUPID PIECE OF SHIT?!

NO FOUCK U! UR THE DISGUSTIN STUPID PECE OF SHIT!

Asahi: Actually, no, that’s you, Author-person.

chapter 20 the virus resistense

Jakuv and me wer runing bak down the hal thru the siense wung of the scool to find a way owt. All fo the dors wer lockd by polisemen who wer locking down the scool becuz of the virus.

Asahi: Completely understandable. Don’t want it to spread.

i wuz abut to braek thru to the outsied with my catana wen al of a suden jacubu stoped me.

"dont do that rebeca they al cleerlee hav guns" he sed. He hade groped me arm to stiop me and noraly i wuld stop him but he wuz so fucking sexxxxy in the briught sunlite that i didnt minde tha t he diddnt do wat i waented.

Cherry: There’s the root of your problem. If someone does what you don’t want them to, you stab em.

"i can taek them" i told him.

"no we hav to try and sav as meny pepul as possibul" he told me. He wuznt liek ediwerd at all. He wuz waaay smarter and wuz aslo tryign to sav as meny pepul as possibul.

Asahi: That mean’s he’s nothing like you, who only looks out for yourself.

I new den dat it wuld hurt to evar be neer deowerd agin becuz he wuz such a biotch cumpeard to jakub.

Briar: And look at who made him that way.

We raen down teh hals sum moer. Jakub was sweeting sexily and riped the leggs of hsi paints offf. So basikalee he wuz runing with shorts on and he luked liek a boodybilder. Meenwile my purpul raben hare wit royul goldin streeks wuz sexilee floewign in the wend as i ran.

Briar: You love brining up your hair blowing in the wind, don’t you?

Asahi: We should consider getting a counter for that.

i tuk of my shirt as i ran becuz it wuz coverd in goer and al i had on wuz my reed sportz brah. My boebs wer jigling baeck and forth as i raen but not dat much so wtf u thinkign reedor.

Cherry: Yer the one who took off her shirt and brought up her boobs jigglin’. In all honestly what the fuck is up with you, writer?

Then as we came to alicia and tanishashanqua who wer stading outsied the scool labratoree in the halways.

"yo my homie wassup" tashinaquansha asked. we stoped to se wat alicai and tanisha wer dogin.

Asahi: So far Tanishashanqua is the only one I legit like. Probably because we see so little of her.

"why are you all stil in the building" jakub askd inquistionalee. I steped behinde him to get a luk at his sexy endien wearwolg ass.

"we r trying to stop the virus by creeting an antydoote" alicai asnwered. She had a darkk red lab cioat on wich mathced her blud red dyed hare.

Cherry: Lab coats make people more attractive.

"yea were goign to fend a solushin to this problem maerk my wurds" tanishashanqua also sed as she steped owt of the lab and itno the hal with alicai jakub and me.

Asahi: You’re trying to fix the problem you started, I am impressed.

She didnt haev a lab coate on but she did haev nerdi glases to hlep her see her experimints. Her hare luked normel for onse wich was nise becuz normaelee it dusnt.

"tanishashanqua! How r you saef?" i aksed!

"i can anser dat mothafuocker" i herd a voyce and it wuznt anyone who i had seen resentlee... it was MR. CHOKOLOVE! (mr coholove is tanishashanquas fathor).

Briar: Oh, no. What a twist.

"ive given tasniahshanqua immunitee" he sed. "i am wurkign wit the fbi to distrbiute a cuer to the redst of the scool" he expeled.

Asahi: So you just happened to have already whipped up an antidote to give to your daughter for a virus that Alicia just made this morning?

Asahi: Kind of suspicious, if you ask me.

"thats why the coips stoped invadin" alicai cuntinued. "so loung as an antidute is posibul theyl wate for us to finis befoer dey try to kil us al."

"how can we hlep" kacub ased. I thught jacub was a retard for not doin the mishin but then i realizd dat he wantd to find a way out without hurtign othars.

Cherry: Wow, harsh words from someone with the IQ of a squirrel.

"we nede u to goa nd taek this anteedote and get it to the principul!" alicia sed.

"okay i wil do it" jacub sed!

"NO NOT YOU" alicai intruded! "REBECA IS THE ONLEE ONE WHO CAN DO THIS" she sed!

Briar: If this doesn’t turn out to be an elaborate trap to get Rebecca killed, I will be quite upset.

Asahi: We all will be.

Cherry: I’ll throw my skateboard at the screen.

Then she gaev me the vyle conteining the cuer to the virus! "wen u get it to the prinsipul rebeca u wil haev to injekt the vyle into the air sistem of the scool!"

Cherry: Wait, why would that be in the principle? Why not in a room?

Asahi: Logic. This story is allergic to it.

"oh ok sure bye the way do you no were edowerd is" i inturestinglee qweshtined to the 3.

"wat dost thou want tavern wench?" edowerd sed to me costily as he came.

Briar: Now, now, no need for harsh words.

Briar: The tavern girls are much more respectable than Rebecca.

I wantd to maek edowerd feel bad so i began to cry faek teers. He thught that the teers wer becuz of my undyeing regriet but it wuz actuly becuz i realy hated to se that stoopid fuickers faece. I mean juda fucking dammit i shuld hav just choped of his you-no-wat when i wuz baeck in da boys lockor rum.

Asahi: Why does anyone find her attractive? She is the most unpleasant person I’ve ever read about!

Asahi: Edward you can do so much better!

"You wild motha fucker edowerd appearin! Yo cauzin hela drama n shit nigga" chocoluv angrilee sed waving his vyles around!

"Edowerd" i stated as i wuz faek crying "I wanted ot say that im soree for screeming at you earlyer but ur jsut so meen!" i lyed unanimusly.

Briar: You accused him of being a traitor because he admitted he’d like to have sex with you, his girlfriend.

Briar: You’re in no way mentally sound.

I kept crying and den everyune in the rum got supa pised at edowud. Jacob luked liek he wuz abut to chop of edowerds hed with his ax. Edowerd luked relly sad and den he sied and fround.

Cherry: An everyone is takin her side?

Cherry: Wait, I shouldn’t even be surprised.

"watever i forgive you" i sed. Then he luked hapy and edowerd jacub and me al went to the prinsipuls offise so that we culd finaly get out of the fuckign scool.

Asahi: What happened to “Rebecca is the only one who can do this!”?

Asahi: Ah, right, pointless love triangle.

Chapter 21 – vs prinsipul

Briar: I guess we know who’s dying this chapter.

The run to the prinsipals ofise was very diffcult. We had to run over seven bodys every tiem we turned down the hals. Edowerd wuz glarring at jakub the entier tiem probably becuz jacub haz super fucking hot abes and edowerd was jellus liek the major fuocking biotch that he is.

Cherry: I swear, if Rebecca actually gets back together with Edward after treatin him like this, Imma be so angry.

Briar: At this point, there’s nothing she can do in this story that won’t anger us further.

But that doesnt mater becuz we wer at the prinsipuls rum and then we prepard to saev the scool. Edowird unshowd his nails and jakub got his ax ready and i tuk out my shotgun and catana.

Asahi: I’ve to respect her for being able to wield a two-handed sword and a shotgun at once.

We entered the dur and then we saw the rum. The prinsipul wuz behind his desk starting evilly at things. He was baled and luked older then my dade. He hade a big red butin on hsi desk wich i culd tel was maed out of maypull trees. Wen he saw us he got up and loked rally scrary!

"WHAT THE FUOCK DO YOU FUOCKERS WANT!?" he scremed luodlee!

Cherry: I assume that when ya scream, it’s loud.

"we are heer to put an end to this madnes" i scremed. I poynted my shoutgun at the biotch and then shooted the gun at him! He fel ovar blooding everwer on the flur.

Briar: Why did you kill the principle? You literally had no reason to!

Asahi: And here I thought her murdering Charlie was the most pointless of her violence, this takes the cake. Guy just stood up and yelled and he gets killed.

"is he doth dedeth?" inkwiyured edowerd

"NO OF COURS NOT!" Prinsipul scremed amasignlee! He got up frum the grund and then got back in his chare!

Asahi: I stand corrected. Guy is able to tank a shotgun shot from close range. Impressive.

"but how are you not ded!?" ased jacobo!

"I AM A VAMPIOR SLAYOR YOU PATETIC DUNSES"

Cherry: That… doesn’t explain how ya tanked a shotgun blast.

and then the prinsipul tuk out a steak and a jar of holee water! Then he juped the desk and begin to try and staek edowrd in the faec. He wuz realy fast! If i wuznt expeerynced in combat frum al of the violinse today i wuldnt hav ben abul to folow him but i did anyways!

Briar: Because it only takes one day of violence to be a pro fighter. Never mind the months or years of training that you’d need.

I atakcd him four tiems with my sord but he demoted the atac every tiem! He made a big circul with his body and centerd the atack on edowerd! But lukilee Jakub used his ax with grate atack at the prinsipul and hit the prinsipul off edowird.

Asahi: I’m trying to follow this, but the mental image I get is just them moving about like idiots.

Asahi: Which is actually probably rather accurate.

"YOU MISERABULL IDIETS!" the prinsipul shouteded! Then he throo the holee water at edowird but he dodjed fastlee the atac! Insted jakub got hit and then he was coverd in bunrs and scabs!

"OHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUCLK" scremed jakub as the holee watur burnd his purfict beyutiful hot sexay skin.

Cherry: Ah…yeah…no…

Briar: In no incarnation are werewolves harmed by holy water. Jacob should be perfectly fine.

"SHIT SHTI SHIT SHIT" he kept scremeng as he bunred! I was so fuocking infurriatd. How daer he hrut JACUB!?

Asahi: “Only I can hurt my men!”

I tuk out my catana and struke Prinsipul in dedlee combat! I swun my sord at him 1 2 tiems but he jupmed sevural feete in the aer and clung to the seeling! Then edowrd juped for HIM! But it was a false becuz Prinsipul was so strong!

Cherry: The principle just a spider or somethin now? Clinging to the ceilin’ like that?

"YOU INFERIER NITWITS" Prinsipal was strong he toke edowerds arm mid flite and then threw edowedr thru his desk braking it! Then prinsipal dropped on toop of edowerd!

"THOU ISTETH DOTH A FUCKERETH" scramed edowerd as prinsipul snaped his neck!

Asahi: Eh. He’s in a better place.

Cherry: Yeah, even after all these chapters, can’t bring myself to really care for ‘im.

Even tho i haet that fuocking rapist basturd

Briar: He never raped you. He never harassed you. He was your talking doormat.

I stil felt bad becuz nobuddy dezervs that kind of treetmint.

Asahi: Unless your Bella.

Then he threw edowerd thru the wal and into another rum! "DOTH WENCH!"

"GOD FUOCING DAMMIT EDOWERD STOP DYEING ON ME!" I scremed! He got out a steak and began to stalc edowerd as he was recumpensing frum the strugul but NO! becuz then i throo the catana rite thru Prinsipal's stomick wit al my mite!

Cherry: Of course ya did.

Cherry: An everyone clapped, didn’t they?

"AH! AH! AH! AHHHHH!" Prinsipul scramed as he fel back. As he was faling i ran up to him and stabed him agin and agin 78 tiems.

Asahi: Talk about excessive.

I wuz so extreem becuz he had alsmot kiled edowrd and jakub. Then i throo the prinsipul across the rum and put my catan away. I ran ovar to that dying fucker.

"Why did you do this" I aksed him. "We jsut wanted to help the students."

Briar: “Because you fucking shot me out of the blue, you bitch!”

"The biotch esmay wuz goign to kil me anywayz for faeling! I thught that i culd kil edowrd who ive alwayz nown was a vampoire!"

"then you deserve this you fucker" i sed as i shout my shotgun into him. Then i did it agin and agin and a furth tiem (this last one in the hed) jsut to maek sure he wuldnt cum back and try to raep or stabe me.

Asahi: Rebecca, listen. I know this is hard to swallow, but; no one wants to rape you. In fact, no one wants to even touch you. You’re just that unpleasant to be around.

Blud wuz everywer. I had kiled the prinsipal. I didnt waent to do that but i haed to. He wuz so violenta he culd hav kiled sumone.

Cherry: Hrrrmm!!!

Cherry: Pot. It’s Kettle. You’re black.

Anywzys I put the vial into the aer condishiner and then the antivirus stated spreding thrughout teh scool.

Asahi: Hooray.

Asahi: Everyone would have been better off dead, but we can’t win them all, can we?

Chapter 22 – Escaep

The vyle wuz in the aer cundishener and then the condishiner was spreding thru the vents.

Briar: I’m impressed the vents can withstand something so big and undoubtedly heavy going through them.

I culd smel the antydote efecting everyune in the scool. I think that savign evereeone heer wuz an akt of redempshin for kiling the prinsipal. I rally felt bed abut that becuz

Cherry: Because…?

Asahi: It’s redemption for killing the principle. But what about your redemption for killing Charlie? Or for abusing Bella?

"jakub are youu okay!?" i scremed wile runingn ovar to his scabee bodee.

"What the fuock do u think" he sed. He was sexily coverd in brewzes.

Briar: Bruises and burn marks are two very different things. Trust me. I know.

"let me help you with my beyutiful signign voyse" i sed as i begin to sung beyutifuly at him. I sung born dis way by ladee gaga.

Cherry: The sound was like nails on a chalk board. Ears began bleedin, glass cracked, a bird outside the window died from the sound. Jacobs burns got worse.

Sudenlee jakub got up frum the grund his scabes faling off. Then sudenlee his hare began to turn bloo. His eies met mien an then i instatelee new wat i wuz in for.

Asahi: His hair turned blue?

"Rebeca i new i did the rite thing when i decidd to sav you" he sed dreemilee. Then he fel on toop of me and we began to kis litelee. It wuz so perfect. Then edowerd got up and luked at us and then powted and the left becuz hes nothing but a jellis biotch.

Briar: I swear, if they have sex…

"yo homie wats up" tanishanqua sed as she and alicia and mr chocoluv enterd the rum. But i wuz stil kiding jakub so then they stoped. "yo that bitch crayyyy" tasniahshanqua sed as she and alicea and Mr chovoluv left the rum. Then rosalee caem into the rum.

Asahi: I want some rum.

Cherry: Same.

"normalee id fuock u up biotch but u did okay today so il let u off the hook." She sed, puting her guns away. She had onlee 1 bullit hole on her chest meening that she kiled a LOT of coips today. Poor copis.

Cherry: How dare the cops stand up against a queen?

Enyways for unce i wuz so happee that i didnt even get angree i jsut smiled and basked in hapiniss.

"jakub" i asked

"yes" he sed, holdign me

"does tihs mean that weer together now?" i asked

"mmhmm" he sed kising my forehed as the sun set.

Briar: So yesterday she was all over Edward. Today she’s all over Jacob. Is she going to be all over someone else tomorrow?

Asahi: Probably.

Chapter 23 – The house

So after we left scool all fiev of us (not mr chocoluv he cant leave the scool sincs hes a teachor) went to my hose to get rid of the evidense.

Cherry: Since when do teachers live at the school? He’s allowed a life outside it, ya know.

Tasniahshanqua was on my rite Jakub was also on my rite Alicia and Edowerd were on my left. We got to my huose.

Asahi: Because where they are in position to you is that important.

Asahi: Not.

"are you sure you want to do this" i edowerd asked me.

"yes i am sure" i sed lukign over into jakubs eies. I new that i had to atoen for my sins just liek judah wuld want me to do.

Briar: Is she actually going to atone?

Cherry: Answer is no.

This was the first step in doing it. I tuk a pieces of wud from the house and then lit it on fier. Then i throo the fitre into the house and it all began to burn down.

Asahi: Look, you can’t just burn down your house to solve your problems. Now the police and firemen are going to flock to your house to investigate why it burned down.

Asahi: Really, you just made things worse for yourself.

"Yo Moon where are you gonna live now?" Tanishashanqua asked politelee. I nodded my hed to her.

"she can cum live with us" alicia sed. I was happe becuz this wuld give me a chance to completd my misshin!

Briar: And she hasn’t forgotten the mission. Surprisingly.

I luked ovar to jakub who looked depressd becuz he didnt want me near that fuocking sick motherfocker edowerd but i new what i had to do.

Cherry: Edwards done nothin’ wrong! You asked him a question an he answered! All this did was make him think he can’t be honest with you.

"yeah sure that wrks" i told her faking a smile. I wuldnt mind living with alicia even when she drug deeled but living wiht edowerd was going to be realy awkwurd.

Asahi: Yes, your one-day boyfriend is so awkward to be around.

Then i saw sumone wakjing toewrds us fiev. Her name was Claritee Etude Simphonia [AN: SHE IS BASD OF MY FIEND CHELSEE!] but we jsut caled her Krystal becuz looking into her eies it was like looking into cristals.

Asahi: Of course. Just what we needed; more OCs.

Krystel is one of my best frends she was kidnaped when she was born by the Vulture

Briar: So vultures kidnap people now instead of just eating corpses. Good to know.

who then rased her to be evil and they kiled her mother and father and her uncles and ants comitd suiside becuz they wer so depresed like major fuokcing retards. Then she escaepd but she becam a vampire becuz of it so now she lives in forks.

Asahi: Forks is just the hub for every plot-convenient thing and person, isn’t it?

Sumtiems she stil remembers it but its okay. She wants venge on the Vulturi becuz they are ashoes.

Cherry: Understandably so.

"hi rebecca how is everting today" she asked but then she saw my hose burnign down so then she screemed "WHAT THE FOUCK WHO DID THIS". She got out a gun wich maed alicia get out her gun and maed edowerd get out his nales and make jakub get out his ax. (Tanishashanqua also got a gun out becuz alicia had given her one earlyr to defend hersefl).

Asahi: Now shoot each other.

Asahi: If this works out, only Tanishashanqua will survive.

"its okay dont woree we have a plan" i told her stayig calm. She was assurd of my intelijence and then she smiled.

Cherry: What intelligence?

"rebecca who is that major fucking hotty!?" she asked me giggling. I giggled to. I whispered into her ear.

"weer totalee going out isnt it awsome!?"

"you go girl!" she sed and then high fived me and then left.

Briar: If we’re lucky, we won’t see her again.

Asahi: We can only hope.

But her leeving maed me really sad and I didn't no why. Then i luked to my house wich was burning down and i began to fell bad. Why culdnt I be a normal gurl like Krystal?

Cherry: Pfft. You call her normal? Ya even read the backstory ya gave her?

Why do I haev to be chased by fucking rappers everywhere i go and and why did i allways haev to live this kind of life!?

Asahi: Raps not that bad.

I DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THIS SHIT WHAT THE FOUCK!?

Briar: It’s called karma. You’ve done a lot to get some very bad karma.

"Rebecca is sumthing rong" sexily asked jakub as he caressed over to me, regarding me shroedlee. He huged me in front of everyone but it had no effect.

Asahi: Careful, man. She might stab you in the dick for touching her. And then call you a rapist.

"Everything so fo unfare!" i scremed to him angrilee. "Why cant i just be plane like the rest of the wurld and pepul heer!? Im too gud at things and i kepe having pepul fal in luv with me! ITS A FUOCKING CURS JAKUB HELP ME BRAKE IT!"

Cherry: Wow! I’m getting’ major My Immortal vibes from that one!

Cherry: An correction; you aint good at shit.

I wus crying now becuz to be honest i was foucking sick of this lie f.

Asahi: Then you can always kill yourself.

Cherry: That’s a bit harsh.

Asahi: Just listing the options.

"dere dere its okay" alicai sed pating my back as the hose funishd burning down. She always new what to say to cheer me up wich was gud. "lets go back to my palce and get sum taco bell okay" she sed.

"I FUOCKING HATE TACO BEL ITS NOT ENVIYORMENTALY SAEF" I sed crying

Cherry: I take back what said, Asahi. You’re right.

"okay den" she sed and we went off to get sum vegan orgaenik fud and then go to Edowerds house. [AN: EET ORGAENIC ITS WAY BETTER FOR THE ENVIYOURMINT THEN FAST FUD!]

Cherry: Meat is organic. Lettuce is organic, cheese is organic. You can’t convince me otherwise.

AN:

im not even replying to the flaems anymoar becuz honestlee you guys are fuockers who are stating hurt my feelings just LEEV ME ALOEN IF YOU DONT LIEK IT JUST FUOCK YOU FUOCKERS I CAENT STAND YOU ASDAJSLDKFSD

Asahi: You brought it on yourself by ignoring every piece of advice you were given. You were told to improve your spelling. If anything it’s gotten worse. You’ve been told your storytelling was bad. You let it get worse. And then you blame and whine and cry.

Asahi: No wonder people are attacking this.

Cherry: Bah!

Cherry: All this readin’ and complain’ got me hungry. I’m hitting the snack bar.

#Twilight #Fanfiction #MST3k Style Riffing #Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin

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