#why can’t i have a normal brain
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my anxiety is through the fuckin roof dude. i feel like im about to explode. and if i think about it too hard, i will cry.
#why can’t i have a normal brain#why do i have to be scared all. the. time.#emmy rambles#emmys crazy hours
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i need to lock in and yet focus alludes me…
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Damn these sugar cravings.
Damn them to Hell, I say.
What I would do for a few pints of empty calories right now.
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how to cure crippling anxiety no glue no borax
#i actually can’t do anything#i hate it here so i will go to secret gardens in my mind#taylor really called me out there#she wrote that song about me (real)#i can’t do anything without having a panic attack#or bursting into tears#why can’t i have a normal brain#live laugh girlblog#gaslight gatekeep girlblog#girlblogging#girlblog#this is a girlblog#this is what makes us girls
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Based on my favorite gif lately
#my art stuff#digital art#baldurs gate 3#bg3#astarion#batstarion#once again specifying this is a spawn astarion with some sort of wild shape thing#bat#good morning#gif#I’ve been in such a weird place mentally about art lately#I just keep stopping myself from drawing things cus I want to draw Astarion -#- but fsr my brain decided I draw him wrong and thus makes it pointless to even start#bat form is fine - I have no problems with it. But in his normal form? no can do buckaroo.#It’s one part why I haven’t shared much art lately - I don’t get happy enough about the “quality”#then just don’t share it as a result - in turn making me feel worse because I’m not posting - making me doubt myself more - etc etc#idk man - I got way too giddy earlier today cus someone could tell this was Astarion - even though this isn’t even the version of him I -#- feel insecure about#I keep seeing these artists making more realistic art and cool comics and interactions - most of which are shaded really beautifully -#- and all I can think about is how I CAN’T do that - even if it wouldn’t fuck me up mentally#I just put too much stress on my ability to create realism and I keep “failing” at doing that (by actively avoiding it for my own health)#idk man - I just wish I felt better about Astarion’s stupid chin OTL
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😩
#it’s totally normal and not weird to go on your church’s youtube and rewatch a service at which you were present#for the sole purpose of staring at the back of the cute guy you’ll never have the courage to talk to#…right?#i do not have many talents but one of them is getting a brain-shatteringly intense crush on a man i have never spoken to every few years#it’s a very small church full of mainly older folks and he just showed up like three months ago#and some part of me wonders…why???#my inner mrs bennet is like#single man in possession of handsome face and seemingly quite lovely personality#(for instance this week he gave a ride to an older lady who can’t drive 🥺)#should be in want of a wife!#what are you doing here sir#there is literally only one single woman your age and she is an average looking disaster with social anxiety disorder#i’m getting all in my head about whether or not i’m imagining that he keeps glancing in my direction#because…why would he#AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH i need to go to bed before i go insane
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Maybe I’ll finally Wanze post soon
#as in a more official lore post like holt awol and sonderbar got#ALSO IM SO SO SORRY I STILL AM GONNA ANSWER THOSE INBOX ASKS J SWEAR#Wanze is on the mind there is bugs in my brain!!! wow just like holt huh#their relationship is wild to me they go from barely knowing each other (occasional hallway acquaintances)#to Wanze essentially having the equivalent of a bag of bricks dropped onto her head#which needs a little or a lot of patching up and Holt does that for her#actually hmmm I wonder if I should more visibly leave some marks of The Oopsie on her face#apart from the permanently broken biores crystals#gotta think on that…#anyway I was especially Thinkin about how Wanze really does resent Holt for a while#it’s complicated it’s not completely Holt’s fault#like she can’t control what happened she can’t bring back her bioresonance she’s a medical eule not a miracle worker#she’ll never really understand what it felt like to be part of that mind link#and that leads to some insensitivity on Holt’s part bc she’s really trying to keep Wanze from decommission here#and Wanze! why are you moping you gotta act normal!! Come on Wanze!#neither of them really get each other bc they’re both not stopping and listening like they need to#but they eventually do#also fun Wanze fact but post head trauma fixup she still has to/wants to go to the kolibri library#for stabilization yknow (she’s a nerdddd <3)#however it’s weird and she hates it bc her fellow kolibris are there.#she does not sing the same song anymore and sticks out like a sore thumb when they’re together now :(#she goes at really weird hours when no one else is there to make sure she doesn’t have to see them#Holt sometimes is able to get ahold of books for her#consider them cuddling together reading#that is all#blorbo tag#wanze#holt#Kolibug
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…
sometimes think i need to stop reading/watching anything that involves really intense romances…
i always end up setting expectations that are completely unrealistic. and then i feel guilty when things go decently with someone i’m talking to but because it’s not “love at first sight” or immediately all-consuming in any way i find myself growing uninterested very quickly
i just. i feel like it adds to my feelings of being incapable of having a relationship. or perhaps socializing in general is just something i’m terrible at.
like why am i interested in these people and then within a week i’m bored and wanting to isolate myself again?
#exie vents#romance is stupid. dating is stupid. my brain is stupid.#and the guilt. i don’t think it’s something to be guilty over. but i feel guilty for not feeling invested at all#because i really did have a decent date on thursday. i enjoy talking to this guy#and yet today i am just. i don’t want to talk and i feel mean and want to ghost and ugh#why can’t i be normal about this?
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i miss them.
#inuyasha#bankotsu#jakotsu#banja#banjak#kagome#kagome higurashi#koga#kouga#periodically I get Autistic Sad if I don’t have enough ways to interact with my special interest#I didn’t used to but my mom dying really fucked me up lmao.#which wouldn’t be much of a problem if I could have a normal fucking hyperfixation#goddamn why can’t my brain pick something POPULAR?#The IY fandom is Older Than I Am and these are dead side characters
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me when the dissociation causes memory loss: *surprised Pikachu*
#blue chatter#listen. LISTEN. usually when I dissociate I remember a LITTLE bit#like. I am distant from my body and I feel fuzzy and lose time rly easily#but there’s lil hook events that will pull me a little closer and I’ll remember like. impressions of them. before I can move/react to them.#USUALLY this means I’ll remember receiving ice from my roommate as a grounding tool even if I don’t ’snap out of it’#but APPARENTLY yesterday my brain was on the dissociation train for TOO LONG#bc not only did I forget that one of my roommates went upstairs until well after he’d left#but apparently my roommate gave me ice. and I held it. and put it in my mouth. and I don’t remember that AT ALL.#like. not even a sense of when that happened or what else must have been going on that I forgot#I don’t know where that blank spot is in the timeline of ‘spaced the fuck out’#which. again. happened for OVER THREE HOURS off and on.#I know that we were watching Bob’s Burgers and that my roommate told me that I missed a full episode all in a row#but I don’t know which episode#because I don’t fully remember *any* of them#bc I was in and out all night#*screams*#why can’t my brain be normal!#I know what triggered this most likely. I had therapy yesterday and I have an exam today that I’m really nervous about#and I did homework for three hours yesterday after therapy so I didn’t have a long rest period afterwards like I usually do#*flops on the ground* when will my brain return from the war for good…#this better not fucking happen on Friday I have to drive places
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GODS FUCKING DAMNIT WHY DID MY PARENTS DECIDE THAT A HOUSE LESS THAN 100 FEET AWAY FROM A HIGHWAY WAS A GOOD FUCKING IDEA
#I HAVE A FUCKING MIGRANE AND THE SEMITRUCKS AND MOTORCYCLES AND ASSHOLE BLARING BASE MUSIC SOUND LIKE THEYRE INCHES AWAY FROM MY EARS#IF THE NEIGHBORS START FAILING TO FIX THEIR DAMN BOAT OR BLARING MUSIC AGAIN I WILL TELL MY DAD TO GO SCREAM AT THEM#NORMALLY IM NICE BUT RIGHT NOW MY BRAIN IS TRYING TO KILL ME I DONT HAVE ENERGY FOR THIS BULLSHIT#but for now the neighbors are behaving it’s just the fucking highway I can’t move#FUCK a train better not go by tonight#we also live less than 100 feet from a major railway :)#I don’t know why my parents thought this house was the one to buy but I CANT FUCKING CHANGE THAT NOW CAN I#can’t wait to move out I swear to fuck#this is why I shouldn’t have chronic pain I become murderous when I’m hurting#silently screaming shaking with murderous intent at every little thing that bothers me#reaching for the nearest sharp object#but guess who has chronic pain from scoliosis and collapsed foot arches and neck problems that cause headaches and migraines?#THIS motherfucker right here; THATS who!#maybe I should stop ranting in the tags now and eat my chicken sandwich before the meds wear off#ooohh I should as my mom if it’s a good idea to take my loopy drugs#idk if they’re okay to mix with Tylenol or not#OH MY FUCKING GODS A TRAIN JUSF WENT BY#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEONE#PROBABLY THE REALATOR WHO SAID THAT THESE TRACKS ARENT OPERATIONAL#anyway as I was saying I dunno if hydroxdezine (probably misspelled that) is okay to mix with Tylenol#but it’s great for when I don’t want to be conscious and rn that’s how I feel#imma stop now#randum thots
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that epic relatable moment when you give your opinion in class about the film you watched and now you regret speaking because what if your opinion was bad even though that’s subjective and everyone probably hates you and thinks your dumb because you just have silly brain and will never be able to fully articulate your thoughts into words so they will never understand the whole point you were getting at
#can you tell i’m functioning okay#i actually need help#like why can’t i just be normal#and not have silly brain#and not think about stupid stuff that doesn’t even matter#like i barely talk in class#because it’s scary#but like what if im dumb#and i decided to be brave and share my little opinion for once#but it’s bad and stupid#ARG THATS IT#gonna go rot in bed 😔
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I think someone put the brain of a mouse or maybe a squirrel inside my head at some point because all winter I was like “I crave nuts and seeds” and now that it’s getting warmer and brighter out my brain keeps going “it’s fruit time”
Like, modern transportation has made it possible to move many fruits all over the world (in theory) all the time! But the primal early plesiadapiform part of my brain is like “you must eat what is available this season”
#I was going to go with euarchonta or plesiadapiform brain but I think the early members of both of those groups were from a tropical#ecosystem. if I’m wrong though and either are from more seasonal environments I could change what I used#actually. wait. plesiadapis is from the late Paleocene. yes. but tropical plants have reproductive cycles too#do they generally vary by season or are they just doing it all at their own pace by species#I am from a very cold seasonal climate that gets hot af in summer but is pretty cold for a good five-ish months#not all equally cold#it’s bad for our environment if it doesn’t get cold as balls for a bit every winter#and we didn’t really get that this winter. but that’s not my point!#I mean to say I can’t remember how it works in tropical environments#if the plants just time their reproduction whenever in the year or if there are seasons for most plants at the same time#does that make sense? I’m using the primate-like-mammal. if it’s wrong then whatever#fuck it we ball#maybe I should have gone with a group further back in time but I couldn’t find climate info easily about things that far back and fuzzier#i am not the most familiar with primate evolution. especially early evolution of the group. I’m open to learning more#i just tend to fixate on certain other things like early mammals and horse and cat evolution#paleontology#emma posts#I like juice all year though#one day I want to try many varieties of fruits that I cannot access easily where I live because they can’t be shipped here#or they just aren’t as popular a variety on an industrial scale#maybe one day i will have a big greenhouse and i will be able to grow the banana varieties I want to try#I can see why some plant varieties aren’t grown on a large scale. some of these bitches are SUPPOSED to be able to grow in zone four but#they refuse to work with me! blueberries make sense. the soil here is nowhere near acidic enough and they would need to be in a pot or#whatever. ya know? but some plants just won’t! or I get them and then the weather here which would NORMALLY work is different that season
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okay, i got here late so i don’t know if somebody ever thought of that, but like eddie and maddie appear in the same episode so i keep making connections with them because there are so! many! parallels! (and pls 911, why can’t you just make them besties? i’m on my knees here, two beautiful brown eyed people) and ever since that scene with maddie talking about how cute chim is and buck thinking she meant eddie (and how insane is that now that buck is canonically bi?), i couldn’t let go of the idea of maddie not clarifying that it was chim she was talking about (maybe because buck didn’t make the kid comment) and her and eddie actually do become really close because they both adore buck, meanwhile buck and chim think there’s something going on between them because buck tells chim maddie thought eddie was cute and they’re both freaking out (chim knows fully well why he’s freaking out but buck is just so, so confused, it’s his sister and the guy who was his instant best friend, shouldn’t he be happy for them? but instead he just gets a feeling that it’s so wrong) and then, there’s a rollercoaster of misunderstandings but with a happy ending ofc.
and if you want to take a step further, the reason maddie doesn’t clarify is because she realizes buck truly does have a crush and decides to put the fake dating trope to good use (this is fake dating with a twist, guys), propositioning eddie so they can see if buck and chim would be interested in them like that. pls, someone write this!!!
#911 abc#buddie#madney#eddiemaddie bestieism supremacy#you can pry that from my cold hands#they’re pretending they’re going into dates#but actually they’re having wine nights and bemoaning about how adorable and lovable buck and chim are actually#and chim is trying to treat eddie normally but he keeps snapping at him at work#and buck is so so glad to maddie back#but why did she have to be interested in eddie of all people?#i’m sorry my brain can’t stop conjuring scenarios#if nobody writes it#i will
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Bad day. Horrible awful terrible bad day
#there’s not even a reason. nothing bad has actually happened#it just FUCKING SUCKS#I want to walk into a lake and never come back#I want to take my brain out of my skull and throw it at a wall and watch it splatter#I know today sucks because I’m so tense and upset that my back HURTS so fucking bad#cuz when this happens I tense up and my back muscles decide to coil around my spine and squeeze like a starving snake#it’s spreading through my shoulders and even to my chest which is a first#I just 😭😭😭 I want to go home except home also sucks cuz roommate#and I know he’ll be out in a few days but that feels like forever#and I’m so tired and I’m so upset and I want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide from the world#but I’m working a 7 day stretch at my job#and I have to transfer the power and internet to my name sometime before Wednesday#and I’m so sick of takeout the idea of eating it makes me want to vomit but I can’t physically bring myself to cook while they’re there#and I just. ugh. UGH#I’m so sick of existing#why does my life only allow me small handfuls of months at a time#where I’m not living in some form of disaster and stressed to all hell and back and just wanting to lay down and die#what did I do so wrong. what have I done to deserve all this shit#in my short terrible miserable fucking life#whatever I’ll just go home and stare at the wall#and then go to bed and come to work and come to work and come to work there’s always going to work#I’m going to fucking scream I hate my brain#why can’t it just regulate itself in a normal way cuz that’s the thing I know I’m being insane and nothing is actually this bad#but man if it doesn’t fucking feel that way#and being aware I’m being batshit really doesn’t make it better actually I think it makes it worse#kaz rambles
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sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive
#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy#been feeling weird as hell these past few months#like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days#or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day#idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this#just thinking#meposting#I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying#I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult#I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad.#whatever#I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that#dissociation#me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though#she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety#and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’#I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time#I’m so solid now#so stuck in the ruts of capitalism#fuck capitalism#I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled#sorry I love talking#and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn?#it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing#I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence.#like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5.#overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names.#can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school#bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude#I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time
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