#why am I consistently ignored in conversation (real life and online)

[mercuriallily]

.

[communist-hatsunemiku]

I saw you made a post about people "burying their head in the sand" in regards to choosing not to discuss politics, and basically saying "you types of people are the problem, and if you choose not to involve yourself in politics, you suck." I have a very genuine question about it, I guess. Apologies if this is an odd ask.

If someone is say, developmentally disabled - despite being an adult, or of an age most consider to be able to understand, discuss, and debate such topics. And they can't comprehend these things in a manner that would make it anywhere near beneficial for them to involve themselves in it...

Would you still feel the same way?

Would you still pressure someone who is incapable of understanding how politics work, how those those impact the world, etc?

Do you consider such a thing "privileged," despite being disabled? Since they can potentially live in a bubble, ignorant to such topics?

This is not meant to be accusatory, I am genuinely curious as to your answer. Thank you.

These people you're referring to have been consistently in my life for the past decade, and guess what, they are capable of empathy and caring about other people even if they like, don't read articles or theory or participate in discussions like this one online. They are often some of the most caring and empathetic people you'll ever meet. And they are capable of listening and learning just like anyone else. AND some of these concepts like free healthcare, worker's rights, racism, income inequality etc etc are not like inaccessible academic abstractions, they're pretty straightforward! With patience and thoughtfulness, I guarantee a large portion of the people you refer to could grasp these concepts and understand why they are important to talk about.

And they also have a lot of stake in these conversations because these people are lacking in agency and rights and fucking healthcare. They are marginalized and disadvantaged, and to be honest, you invoking them in this ask is kind of insulting to them. Whether this is a genuine good faith ask or not. They do not live in bubbles, full stop. The people who live in bubbles are overwhelmingly white, and overwhelmingly upper middle class to wealthy.

Anyone reading my post that you're referring to can see that I'm not saying we should berate developmentally disabled people for not "getting" politics or whatever the fuck. It is about the people who think they can opt out of politics because they think they are not directly affected by them. Their apathy is a choice they get to make because of privilege. Developmentally disabled people often don't get that choice, they aren't insulated from the real consequences that uncaring privileged people's apathy and lack of empathy enables.

And this answer could get very long once we start actually analyzing the disparities between rich people and poor people, white people and poc and the disabled populations within these different groups.

[mortdane]

⸻ ❝ 𝐆𝐔𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒 &. 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄 .

𝐈 . as aforementioned, any transphobia will result in a block. this includes racism, homophobia, antisemitism, and any sort of other discrimination against minorities. be a generally courteous person, not an ignorant loudly proclaiming prejudice.

𝐈𝐈 . activity is sparse. real life comes first. with that in mind, be aware my silence is due from external means. tumblr writing is not my obligation, it is a side project and/or hobby.

adding onto this, i tend to reply slowly to both IC and OOC interactions. my real life outranks writing in my priority scale. please do not push me for replies, it worsens my anxiety &. it will lead to socially distancing from said individual. nothing against the person, it is an innate bad habit.

𝐈𝐈𝐈 . i openly ship. if i have an idea for romantic chemistry, i may reference it. however, i will not push it upon another, nor would i appreciate others pushing their characters onto me.

𝐈𝐕 . no, you are not spamming my inbox. always send prompts or memes. i wholeheartedly welcome it. so long as there is no anonymous hate sent, my inbox is open to all.

𝐕 . i am an adult. i presume most of my followers are. please act your age; any drama, vague-posting, harassment will result in an instantaneous block. this isn't twitter, you're not a vigilante seeking justice. resolve your issues privately.

i do not like to block people. however, when it concerns perpetuating drama on the dashboard, inciting harassment toward other writers, i disavow. i will hard-block you. regardless of what contents it has, i do not want the additional stress in my life. if you intend to reblog callouts, please tag them appropriately with "cw drama" or "drama".

𝐕𝐈 . if you intend to block me out of the blue, please inform me why out of sheer courtesy. this is not an enforced policy, it is more-so my wanting to understand why. i will not be offended if you choose not to.

𝐕𝐈𝐈 . Normally I do not mind, but if you refer to me as your “friend” after having only 3 separate conversations and nothing personal entailing them, then we are not friends, we are acquaintances. furthermore, if you begin to "love bomb" ( read the definition here ) me on our first interaction, i will be wary of your intentions. i do not assume said person harbors malicious intent, it comes from previous experiences wherein love-bombing resulted in built-up resentment from unresolved conflicts not imparted on both sides.

TO CLARIFY: that does not mean i am unreceptive to establishing friendships, this is entirely false. there is a lot of nuance when it comes to online interactions &. setting social boundaries. i welcome people to directly message me on here or on tumblr ! this guideline simply exists solely to help un-blur the line between what constitutes a friend from an acquaintance. a friend knows who you are outside the screen; there is consistent, constant interaction off tumblr. whereas an acquaintance is when both parties have tangible interactions, only knowing each other at surface-level.

[kalihanded]

⸻ ❝ The Hindu goddess Kali is the ultimate expression of 𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒, 𝑏𝑜𝑡𝘩 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑏𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑜𝑙𝑒𝑛𝑡. She protects her people against evil by doing 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐭 to protect those she loves. The Indian goddess Kali embodies the power of 𝑐𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 in one entity. She transcends good and evil. ❞

↳ #𝑲𝑨𝑳𝑰𝑯𝑨��𝑫𝑬𝑫 is portraying &. writing as 𝐀𝐆𝐍𝐈 from the KUROSHITSUJI ( black butler ) franchise. penned by malikai. featuring references to indian culture &. hinduism during the 1880's. this blog is 21+ and not spoiler free.

navigation links ~ ! ⸻ * about . * ask memes . * carrd . * promo . * headcanons . credit ~ ! ⸻ * graphics .

⸻ ❝ 𝐆𝐔𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒 &. 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄 .

𝐈 . as aforementioned, any transphobia will result in a block. this includes racism, homophobia, antisemitism, and any sort of other discrimination against minorities. be a generally courteous person, not an ignorant loudly proclaiming prejudice.

𝐈𝐈 . activity is sparse. real life comes first. with that in mind, be aware my silence is due from external means. tumblr writing is not my obligation, it is a side project and/or hobby.

adding onto this, i tend to reply slowly to both IC and OOC interactions. my real life outranks writing in my priority scale. please do not push me for replies, it worsens my anxiety &. it will lead to socially distancing from said individual. nothing against the person, it is an innate bad habit.

𝐈𝐈𝐈 . i openly ship. if i have an idea for romantic chemistry, i may reference it. however, i will not push it upon another, nor would i appreciate others pushing their characters onto me.

𝐈𝐕 . no, you are not spamming my inbox. always send prompts or memes. i wholeheartedly welcome it. so long as there is no anonymous hate sent, my inbox is open to all.

𝐕 . i am an adult. i presume most of my followers are. please act your age; any drama, vague-posting, harassment will result in an instantaneous block. this isn't twitter, you're not a vigilante seeking justice. resolve your issues privately.

i do not like to block people. however, when it concerns perpetuating drama on the dashboard, inciting harassment toward other writers, i disavow. i will hard-block you. regardlessof what contents it has, i do not want the additional stress in my life. if you intend to reblog callouts, please tag them appropriately with "cw drama" or "drama".

𝐕𝐈 . if you intend to block me out of the blue, please inform me why out of sheer courtesy. this is not an enforced policy, it is more-so my wanting to understand why. i will not be offended if you choose not to.

𝐕𝐈𝐈 . Normally I do not mind, but if you refer to me as your “friend” after having only 3 separate conversations and nothing personal entailing them, then we are not friends, we are acquaintances. furthermore, if you begin to "love bomb" ( read the definition here ) me on our first interaction, i will be wary of your intentions. i do not assume said person harbors malicious intent, it comes from previous experiences wherein love-bombing resulted in built-up resentment from unresolved conflicts not imparted on both sides.

TO CLARIFY: that does not mean i am unreceptive to establishing friendships, this is entirely false. there is a lot of nuance when it comes to online interactions &. setting social boundaries. i welcome people to directly message me on here or on tumblr ! this guideline simply exists solely to help un-blur the line between what constitutes a friend from an acquaintance. a friend knows who you are outside the screen; there is consistent, constant interaction off tumblr. whereas an acquaintance is when both parties have tangible interactions, only knowing each other at surface-level.

[musecaravan-info]

About Me

I’m actually not all that comfortable sharing stuff about myself with strangers on the internet.  I come from a generation where we were taught that wasn’t a good idea (and I still prescribe to that.)  

If you need a name to call me, Mira is fine.  So is Jo, I guess.  But I’ll answer to ‘Hey there, you!’

Just to give you a teeny bit of info:

I’m old - well, older than most of you, at least.  If that weirds you out, jump ship NOW.  I don’t have the time (or the grace) to deal with people who can’t handle having friends that aren’t the same age they are.

I’m a librarian by trade (yes, I have a Masters degree and everything) and a writer by hobby.

I like fantasy (especially urban), and anime, and cartoons, and audiobooks, and casual gaming, and all kinds of music.

Now that you know as much as any stranger really has a right to know - let’s cover a few RP-related things.  These are also in the guidelines, but because these are probably the ‘deal-breaker’ type things, it can’t hurt to go over them more than once (and in more detail.)

These are good ways to decide if we’ll work well as partners.

My replies are slower than dirt.  No, really.  While I try to keep it to about 3-4 months between, I’ve been known to go 6-9 months.  I’m a ‘slow burn’ kind of gal.  If you want to stick with me for that, then awesome.  If not, I understand.

I am not a fan of constantly dropped threads.  I don’t mind a thread that takes YEARS to finish, but if we are ALWAYS starting things and you are always dropping them, then I will eventually stop starting things with you.  It’s that simple.  My time is limited (which is WHY it takes me so long to reply) and if you’re consistently dropping our threads and our replies never go anywhere, then you’re wasting my time.  I know that sounds harsh, but I’m tired of having it happen.  If you do this, and you have partners that don’t care, then I’m glad for you.  However, I DO care and we aren’t going to make good partners.

I rarely (if ever) approach first anymore.  This really only applies to people I haven’t written with yet.  No, I’m not shy or anxious or whatever.  I’m just tired of approaching people and having them act like they want to RP, and then having them drop the thread two replies in (or never replying at all.)  I’m basically tired of people saying yes because they’re afraid to say no.  If YOU ask ME, then, when I say yes, I know we’re both interested in doing something together.

I need partners who can COMMNUNICATE with me.  If you’re too scared or anxious or shy (or whatever) to do that, then we probably won’t make good partners.  I’ve been ghosted in the past by a partner who was too afraid of her own shadow to have an adult conversation, and I’m not interested in being in that situation again.  I am an understanding and down-to-earth person, and if you treat me with respect, I will offer you the same in return no matter what we’re talking about.

I don’t like being constantly passed over.  If you’re the kind of RPer who’s always playing favorites, then we’re not going to make good partners.  And I’m not talking an ‘every now and then’ sort of thing.  I get that some days you just want to write that one thing.  Or some days the short stuff is easy and the long stuff is hard.  I’m talking about if we’ve got RPs going and you reply EVERY day to other people, but ALL of our threads sit on your back-burner for months at a time collecting dust.  That’s not okay with me.  Again - this is tied to some poor treatment I’ve received in the past.  I put up with it back then because I thought the person in question was a friend who would talk to me if there was an actual issue.  Turns out she wasn’t a friend.  She was just a coward.  I refuse to put myself in a similar situation again.  Treat me this way on a regular basis and I will drop our threads and not look back.

I’m not very chatty.  Not in real life and not online.  If you talk to me, then I will talk back.  I will never intentionally ignore you.  And I promise you’re not being annoying or a burden or anything like that.  I like hearing from people, I’m just crap when it comes to instigating conversations.  I rarely go out of my way to have non-RP related conversations with people.  I’m sorry; it’s just how I am.  :(  

I know these things may make me seem bitchy and stand-offish.  I can’t really help that.  I’m sorry.  :(  I’m just tired of dealing with issues related to these things over and over again.  If I say it in the beginning, then we can both avoid wasting each others’ time.  If you don’t like any or all of what you see here, then it just means I’ve saved us both a lot of time and frustration.  If you think you’re okay with all of the above, then please proceed to my guidelines to learn more.  :)

Also, please be aware - if you’re a current partner and your anxiety has you worried that you might be doing something from the above list, please don’t worry.  <3  If you were (and it was bothering me) I would politely say something.  I believe 100% in communication, and if something is wrong I’ll come talk to you about it.  If I haven’t said anything, you’re fine - I promise.  :)  If you’re still worried about it, and would like to come talk to me, please do!  Communication goes both ways, and I’m here to listen and to reassure as best I can.

Return to Mobile Links

[tobesolonely]

queen anne’s coffee

A/N: hello everyone! I am not D/deaf or Hard of Hearing. However, this was requested more than once I wanted to do my best to provide. In this story, Y/N is a part of the Deaf community. if I have misrepresented the Deaf community in any way or wrote something inaccurate or offensive, then please DO NOT hesitate to let me know (respectfully, of course!) i wanted to fulfill this person’s request and be as inclusive as i could, as i don’t typically see stories with a Deaf!reader. shes short and sweet but i hope you all enjoy anyway! as always, feedback is very much welcomed and appreciated! :)

Summary: Y/N visits Harry’s coffee shop every Tuesday and Thursday and always orders the same thing. Harry HAS to get to know her!!!

word count: ~1.7k

my ko-fi! thank you :)

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Every Tuesday and Thursday at exactly 3:50 PM, Y/N placed an online order that consisted of an iced chai tea latte with oat milk and a butter croissant from Harry’s coffee shop, Queen Anne’s Coffee.

Y/N never forgot to add, “warmed up pls! thank you :)” in the section for comments, and she always tipped. She would then come into Harry’s shop approximately ten minutes later, walk up to the ‘pickup’ counter, grab her items, smile at Harry, and promptly leave. Harry never even so much as said hello to her, but he was irrevocably captivated––even if she was a complete stranger.

Harry decided that when Y/N came in today for her usual, he’d finally talk to her.

Business had been unusually slow for a Thursday afternoon but Harry didn’t mind–when Y/N came in, he’d be able to have a proper chat with her without having to rush the conversation along to help other customers. His gaze kept floating up to the cat-shaped clock hanging above the door, anxiously awaiting 3:50 PM when Y/N’s order would come through on the iPad and he got to read the words, “warmed up pls! thank you :)”

Harry didn’t know why he was so nervous to speak to her. As the owner of his very own coffee shop (and it’s only employee), he got to know the people who came in regularly well, even developing genuine friendships with some. It bothered Harry that this beautiful person gave him business two days a week and the only thing he knew about her was her name, which is only because he can see it when she places her order online.

When the iPad Harry keeps plugged up atop the counter chimes, he doesn’t even have to glance at it to know it was Y/N but he does anyway, feelings of excitement bubbling in the pit of his stomach. He was finally going to talk to her! Harry contemplates scribbling his number on the side of her cup as he’s writing her name but decides against it, not wanting to be too forward before they even formally meet.

When Y/N comes in ten minutes later, Harry can immediately sense something is wrong. She hardly looks up once as she shuffles from the door to the counter, hoodie pulled up and drawn tight over her head.

“Are you okay?”

Y/N doesn’t look up or even acknowledge the fact that Harry spoke. Even though there’s only two other people in the shop besides them, Harry figures she might think he was talking to someone else and addresses her by name.

“Y/N?”

She still doesn’t address Harry as she gives him a small smile before hurriedly exiting the shop, the bell above the door signaling her exit.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

When Tuesday comes, Harry’s out of bed before his alarm jolts him from his dreams.

He thought about Y/N all weekend as he impatiently awaited Tuesday’s arrival, excited over the prospect of finally seeing her again. He hoped she was doing better today than she was last week, and he really hoped she was in the mood to chat with him today.

Harry’s grateful the shop is busy today. It helps to keep his mind off of Y/N, and his eyes off the clock. When the iPad chimes at 3:50 on the dot, Harry decides he’ll wait until she comes in to prepare her order. It didn’t take him over two minutes, anyway. He figures this will give him a bit more time to chat with her, at least say hello and see if she’s doing better.

Much to his pleasure, Y/N has a big smile on her face when she bursts through the door ten minutes later. She floats to the pickup counter, then furrows her eyebrows in confusion as she looks up at Harry.

“Sorry, I’m working on your order right now,” Harry grabs a purple marker off the counter, scribbling Y/N’s name on the cup used for iced drinks. “How’s your day so far?”

Harry watches as Y/N cocks her head to the side in confusion, then pulls her phone out of the back pocket of her jeans. She quickly types something before holding her phone out for Harry to take.

“I can’t hear you! I’m Deaf.”

A look of realization floods Harry’s face as he reads what she said. He now understood why Y/N didn’t answer him when he tried speaking to her last week, and he’s secretly relieved that she wasn’t ignoring him because she hated him or anything like that.

“I know a bit of sign!” Harry types before handing Y/N back her phone. He watches as her eyes skim his words and she looks up, a toothy grin plastered on her face.

“Great! This is much faster.” Her hands move quickly as she signs. “Did my order work or not? Wi-Fi is bad at home today.”

Harry realizes he doesn’t know as much sign language as he thought he did.

“OK. I am rusty.”

Y/N smiles at this and pulls her phone back out, typing what she just signed to him before passing it back to him. A look of realization floods Harry’s face as he learns she was just asking if her order came through alright, seeing as it was not yet ready. Too embarrassed to tell her he intentionally waited until she arrived to prepare her order, he just nods.

“I’ll have it ready in no more than two minutes… and refund you, too. I’m sorry for the wait.” Harry looks up at Y/N as he passes the phone to her, eyes not leaving her face as he tries to gauge her reaction.

“No!” Her head shakes as she signs. “Happy to pay. Thank you.”

Harry understands Y/N but refunds her, anyway.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

“Why do you always come Tuesday and Thursday? Same time?”

“Exams every Tuesday and Thursday.” The look of obvious dissatisfaction on Y/N’s face makes Harry laugh. “Your chai and pastries cheer me up after.”

Harry’s face turns red at Y/N’s admittance, so he instead looks down, pretending he’s distracted by something on the iPad. He decides at that moment that he will no longer charge Y/N for her oat milk latte and croissant. She was a college student after all––if her financial situation was like Harry’s in any way when he was in college earning his business degree, it would probably be beneficial for her to save her money, anyhow.

Ever since Harry and Y/N’s first real interaction, Y/N had been coming into Queen Anne’s nearly every day, school supplies and laptop in tow. She always sat at the table closest to the front counter, directly in Harry’s line of vision so they could sign to each other.

Y/N provided Harry with some much needed (and enjoyed) company when business was slow, and she was helping him brush up on his sign language. Harry learned that Y/N is Deaf; her hearing is completely gone in her left ear and almost completely gone in the right. She’s the only person in her family who is Deaf. She also hated eggs, is lactose intolerant (hence the oat milk), has two older siblings, is a master’s student, and a plethora of other things that Harry had committed to memory.

“Thank you. I’m glad you enjoy.”  

“Who is A-N-N-E?”

Harry grins. “My mother. Back in London.”

Y/N’s eyes widen. “London? Amazing! You must have an accent.”

It dawns on Harry that Y/N has never heard his voice before. “Yes. Are you from here?” Y/N nods in response.

“Whole life. Small town, but it’s home.” Her pinched hand moves quickly from her mouth up to her ear.

“Sorry. What?”

“H-O-M-E.”

A look of realization floods Harry’s face as he nods in response, signaling for Y/N to give him a moment as the bell above the entrance jingles. It seems as if the few people who walk through the door act as a catalyst for others to enter, and soon Queen Anne’s is at maximum occupancy and Harry is trying to make several drinks at once while taking orders. He locks eyes with Y/N a few times and she gives him a sympathetic look, not able to do much to help him out.

Harry decides that once business dies back down, he’ll find out if Y/N is interested in a part-time job.

⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Y/N was interested in a part-time job.

She was a fast learner and a hard worker. Harry was more than delighted to show her how to make every drink on the menu, and consume her failed attempts. It was nice having someone else behind the counter with him––he wished he’d gone about hiring someone to help him much sooner, but he was glad to now have Y/N by his side.

“So much chai! I thought only I drank this stuff.”

Harry’s gaze lingers on Y/N for a beat too long, causing her to shift slightly. Harry’s hand moves to scratch the back of his neck. “Yes. I like chai. With milk.” His hand forms a ‘C’ then closes to form an ‘S’ twice for the word “milk”.

“Regular?” One of Y/N’s eyebrows raises as she asks her question, setting a hot chai latte atop the “pickup” counter.

“S-O-Y.”

Y/N lets out a quiet snort of laughter as she shakes her head. It was the first time Harry ever made her laugh out loud. After hearing her laugh once, he never wanted to stop––it was music to his ears. “Not surprised!”

Harry’s eyes crinkle at the corners. “Why?” His eyes remain on Y/N as she walks around the small area, cleaning up a small coffee spill she had earlier.

“You just are a S-O-Y boy, H. My S-O-Y boy!”

Harry’s cheeks immediately turn pink as they did the first time Y/N said something that flustered him, but he doesn’t look away.

“You’re my O-A-T girl.”

⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Thank you everyone for reading!!! This is only the beginning of Y/N and Harry I think <33

[utilitycaster]

What’s your thoughts on tm9 suggesting working with Trent? Do you think tm9 are being “bad friends”? I have seen a lot of discussion on it and I was wondering what your thoughts are. Apologies if you have already shared your thoughts.

Hi anon,

I have shared at least some of my thoughts but, as always, give me an inch and I will take one thousand miles and then take one thousand more. If you wanted a normal answer, please click on that link and then feel free to stop reading. If you want me to yell about behaviors in fandom that fill me with rage (and also some additional thoughts about the Mighty Nein in this episode, to be fair, which I’ve marked so you can skip to it), read on.

GOOD FUCKING LORD I AM PRETTY SURE A CERTAIN SMALL BUT LOUD PORTION WITHIN FANDOM, AND THIS IS ABOUT FANDOM IN GENERAL AND NOT SPECIFIC TO THE CRITICAL ROLE, ACTUAL PLAY, NOR D&D FANDOM, HAS NEVER HAD A FUNCTIONAL FRIENDSHIP OR RELATIONSHIP IN THEIR LIVES WHAT WITH THE WAY THEY TALK ABOUT CHARACTER INTERACTIONS. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK.

I don’t think that any of the Mighty Nein were being at all inappropriate during this conversation in the first place, and more on that below, but also like, people say insensitive things to their friends all the time! It’s impossible to account for every situation that could potentially upset someone, and sometimes people need to have difficult conversations! I’ve said this before with people in private conversations but there is an exhausting amount of discourse for CR (but also, like, in general about fictional media by people who are Way Too Online) regarding who really understands and cares about whom and it’s like. They are all friends. They have all referred to each other as found family. They all care about each other. And with that in mind, it’s also true that if you or anyone else were to give me literally any pairing of two characters in the Nein, romantic or platonic, I can without considerable effort name an interaction in which one of them said or did something hurtful or insensitive to the other, because this is a thing that happens when different people with different perspectives and experiences talk to each other for any length of time.

A not-insignificant amount of discourse, in my opinion, has nothing to do with how real interpersonal relationships work and is entirely "this is my favorite/least favorite character (or ship) and I think everyone should also think they are flawless/terrible” and if I had to guess this is probably more of the same. But even if it’s not just that, the idea that the only “good” friendship is one devoid of arguments, slip-ups, and even the most minor of transgressions and anything else is “bad” or “toxic” is so divorced from reality I absolutely cannot engage with it without wanting to scream. Which is not to say that a single action by a friend, even a close one, could never be enough to invalidate the friendship. But it has to be a pretty significant and deliberate violation, and in my opinion the events of this episode do not even budge the needle.

With that out of the way before I return to it at the end: I think the overarching attitude of the Mighty Nein on the whole is “this is going to be an incredibly difficult fight, and we need to discuss all of our options, even distasteful ones that none of us particularly like.”

The linked post talks a lot about why I think Fjord brought it up in the first place, but from there, I would say that Yasha was the only one who was consistently on the side of “No,” which is in line with her character. We know Caduceus is fairly sure they’re going to die without additional help and has seen by far the most terrifying visions of what happens if they fail; that Jester likely has some similar ideas to Caleb regarding “if Trent’s with us, at least he’s not going after Marion”; and while Beau brought up the downsides of working with one’s abuser it’s highly worth noting she was still entertaining it: she floats that maybe this could kill two birds with one stone [2:01:10-ish on the Twitch video].

Veth strikes me as the one who came closest to “pushing” Caleb, and this has been a theme recently. I’m not fully sure about this - Veth is often a character I struggle to get a handle on - but I think it’s a combination of her family being at risk in the same way Jester’s is, her own feelings of guilt or shirked responsibility about leaving the Nein after this before Caleb has achieved his goals particularly given how instrumental he was to achieving hers, and a little bit of still seeing Caleb how he was earlier on, when they first met. That last reason is definitely frustrating when it happens in real life, but it’s a very real phenomenon, the first one is wholly understandable, and the middle one is both. Basically, are those actions a little selfish? Yeah, but people are selfish sometimes. There’s a reason why even when I don’t understand her Veth (and, tbh, all the Mighty Nein) feels like a wholly realized person, and it’s because of things like this, where she has real reactions and emotional turmoil in response to an incredibly stressful situation instead of being blandly understanding.

On top of that, anything that denies that Caleb was not entertaining it, particularly after he quite literally says he’s considered it, feels like ignoring his response because it doesn’t fit a particular narrative. It ignores the entire conversation with Essek, in which Caleb is the one who brings it up first, Caleb is the one who continues to argue for it after Essek expresses his discomfort, and Caleb is the one who says he’s frustrated that his attempt to persuade Essek fails.

Returning to the generalized rant but at what point do you (the abstract you, not you the anon) stop overlaying how you think someone should react and actually listen to people? One of the things in this world that genuinely angers me the most that isn���t, you know, atrocities, is when people assume how someone feels instead of asking them and persist in doing so even when told otherwise, and this is probably why the whole “the Mighty Nein are bad friends” statement has prompted such a strong response from me here. I don’t think I’m saying anything revolutionary here but all the arguments in favor of that statement are stupid! If you don’t ask for a hug, sometimes you won’t get one! If you don’t say you’re uncomfortable you can’t assume people will be aware of it! The realest distinction between good and bad friends, actually, is whether they listen to what you’re saying or if they just project what they think you should be saying, and whether they tell you what they want from you or if they make up elaborate unspoken rules that you’re supposed to magically intuit and follow. Not whether they never make mistakes, or disagree, or bring up difficult topics.

Uh, anyway, this is probably a whole lot more and maybe not even related to what you were looking for but really, the idea that a deep friendship can be reclassified into a binary from good to bad based on two conversations, and the related idea that every interaction that isn’t perfectly harmonious must have someone to blame instead of acknowledging the full depth and breadth of normal healthy interpersonal interactions, are both absolutely terrible ideas and I would love if people in general would immediately stop having them.

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[victorromeofox-blog]

VRF Website and Community

VRF Website and Community - Soft Opening Coming Soon!

I've been a little less active here in the last little bit, but have been working behind the scenes to build up the VRF website and planning around community-building.  I'm just about ready to start opening the site to semi-public access and start inviting trusted people to the Discord within the next week!  There is some information below introducing some of the content and features of the site and Discord server.  Please contact me (Ask or email preferred) if you would like access - I recommend reading the rest of this post before you do, but it is not required.

If you’re looking to better understand BDSM and kink, participate in a community of rational, respectful, and conscientious kink practitioners, and contribute to protecting, uplifting, and helping others - while still enjoying some fantasies - you are exactly the type of person who would be a great fit for this space.

If you’re “just here for the porn”, this website and community are not going to be what you’re looking for.  They are specifically a pushback against that very mentality, and the rampant toxicity and problematic discourse in the online BDSM/kink space, especially CNC kink, and your needs will be better met elsewhere.  Same goes for those who are just out to get nudes, roleplay online, organize hookups, or find a submissive - there are other spaces geared toward that.

In the meantime, I'd like to explain what this all means to me, where VRF is headed next, and what factors I'm taking into consideration as I continue.  This is going to be a fairly reflective post - almost like a letter of intent - but I'm putting it out there primarily for transparency and also for those of you who want some insight into my thoughts and process.

VRF - A Quick Recap

When I started VRF in 2015, I didn't really have a goal.  I was just looking to curate the kinds of porn I enjoyed the most on Tumblr and occasionally added some captions that came to mind as I did - and accidentally cultivated a sizeable following.  As the blog grew and began to have more interactions with others on the network, I realized that I couldn't stay in-persona all the time - not without sending a potentially dangerous message - so I started answering asks and giving advice out of character, as myself.  These "real" interactions, as well as the reality checks that kept rolling in, set the tone for what VRF would become - and made me feel much more comfortable with running a blog featuring questionable content.

I stepped away from the blog and went on hiatus in 2016; I saw a sharp rise in hateful, bigoted, and violent voices online and no longer felt comfortable that my posts would remain firmly in the realm of fantasy for the majority of readers.  Although the original @violent-rape-fantasies was terminated in 2019, I made a fairly complete backup of the entire blog before it went down.  I returned in late 2020 to start again from scratch, try to rebuild my following, and reconnect with the community - that effort was terminated by Tumblr in 2021, leading me to the two blogs I currently have (@VictorRomeoFox-blog / @violent-rape-fantasies-2​) and to create a self-hosted website containing the original VRF archives with major quality-of-life improvements to the Tumblr experience.

This process made me consider what my goals are for VRF, how I want to achieve them, and what promises I make to the community as part of that journey.  

VRF - Mission and Values

VRF's mission is to be a safe, inclusive, and collaborative space that promotes affirmative consent, healthy relationships, and conscientious kink, where consenting adults can explore their kinks, enjoy fictional fantasies, and uplift one another without overbearing guilt or shame.

Let me quickly break some of this down:

safe: I want people to feel comfortable consuming and interacting with me and my content - not only the kinks and acts depicted in the fantasies, but in the entirety of the space that VRF projects, including knowing that their personhood, privacy, anonymity, and emotional safety are important to me.

inclusive: although I focus primarily on male-on-female scenarios, people from all walks of life are welcome so long as they are good citizens of the community and conscientious kink practitioners.  This also means rejecting hate, bigotry, and willful ignorance.

collaborative: VRF is discursive, both in-persona and out-of-character; the content and direction I take is often influenced by the conversations I have with followers, the asks and submissions I receive, and the state of the community as I see it.  I want to always be in conversation with the community to understand its needs and goals so that I can better meet them.

affirmative consent: as discussed in a previous post, I highlight affirmative consent because it centers around positive action as opposed to consent, which can be a passive state.  I believe this is critical for conscientious kink.

healthy relationships: the relationships we hold shape who we are, who we become, and how we interact with the world around us.  I believe that healthy relationships build healthier, happier lives - this concerns all relationships, from friendships to families to romantic or sexual partnerships.  I have seen less emphasis in this community on relationships, and interpersonal interactions in general, and think that this is a major oversight.

conscientious kink: kink can be dangerous or harmful when not practiced with care and consideration - not just for physical health, but for mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  It requires reflection, introspection, and communication in order to form intentionality - the understanding behind what you do, how you do it, and why you do it.

reducing guilt: this is one of the concerns I get most often from followers - how to reconcile their guilt for enjoying consensual non-consent, and whether it is morally wrong or an indication that something is wrong with them.  I believe that CNC, like most kinks, can be practiced in a conscientious way to reduce and mitigate the potential dangers, but that it requires consistent effort, education, and research.

Aside from these, I identified values which are important for me to maintain in order to meet the mission.  Some of them are:

transparency: I try to be as transparent as I can, while maintaining my privacy and anonymity, so that people know that I have nothing to hide.  I cannot build a safe space without building trust, and I can’t build trust without being honest and transparent.

leadership by example: if I am positioning myself as a resource and giving advice to others, I must embody the values I put forward and lead by example, not by words; otherwise, what I say is worthless and lacks substance.

data- and research-driven: I want to provide people with a deeper understanding of themselves and their kinks; while anecdotal information can at times be helpful, I want the things I posit to have weight and justification behind them.  This means an intersection of data, research, and analysis around all of the factors involved, including moral philosophy, psychology, sociology, and biology.

care and patience: these kinks are difficult and hurtful to some people, and confusing or conflicting to others.  I need to be caring, considerate, and patient in order for people to feel comfortable engaging with my content and interacting with me.

contextualized: these kinks and fantasies don’t exist in a vacuum and must be contextualized in order to remain conscientious of the relationship it maintains to the real world.  This means that I don’t want fantasies misrepresented as reality or reality misconstrued as fantasy, and the onus is on me to ensure that followers are seeing both sides of the equation.

quality over quantity: I have a limited amount of time that I can dedicate to VRF work, and want to make the best possible use of that time.  I want to focus on high-quality content, both in-persona fantasies and out-of-character advice, research, and resources, without worrying about how much or how frequently I’m posting.  It also means that I care far less about the number of followers and viewers I have, and much more about whether I am cultivating the kind of followers that match my vision for VRF and its community.

There are other factors and values as well, but these are the biggest ones for me.  They drive how I present myself, how I interact with the community, and what kinds of content I put forth.

VRF Website - Content and Features

What does the website allow me to do that I couldn’t on Tumblr?

No censorship, frustrating filters, or threat of termination - I can focus on my content without running into blockers at every turn, or worrying that I’m going to lose all my work without warning.

Better content controls, organization, and layout - I can group posts logically and have different ways for users to access and view them instead of being one monolithic stream of posts.

Tagging and search - I’ve tagged my archive with kinks, features, toys, actions, positions, locations, and more to make it easier to both find content that you want to see and avoid content that you don’t.  The VRF site features granular search controls, including tag combinations, so you can engage with the site how you choose.

Random Post/Random Caption - sometimes, you’re in the mood to mix things up.  Instead of seeing a temporally-sorted feed of posts, you can go to a random post or caption from the menu bar.

Clear disclaimers and view control - instead of my content being blended into a sea of posts, which creates difficulty in carving out that safe cognitive space for engaging with these kinks or necessitates rapid context-switching, all of my posts will be in one central repository with clear disclaimers where I have control over how things are viewed.

The VRF Archive - the content from the original @violent-rape-fantasies blog have been restored to the VRF website.

There are some downsides, of course - like the lack of network discovery, limited server space and resources, cost, maintenance, and effort.  But the benefits greatly outweigh the additional overhead.

VRF Community

What’s the VRF Discord community all about?

This is a new idea I’m playing with - I’m not new to Discord or community management, but combining that with VRF is a new endeavor for me.  Since I’m going to be shifting my focus from Tumblr to the VRF website, some of those network and community interactions from Tumblr will move to Discord instead, such as interacting with followers, taking requests, feedback, and suggestions, and delving deeper into kink philosophy, fantasy, and practice.

I’ve set up the Discord in a way that different sections can be partitioned - like general discussion, BDSM/kink discussion, CNC fantasies, member content (submissions), and so on.  The different sections are accessible to different levels of membership and verification to maintain that safe, inclusive, and collaborative space.  For example, agreeing to the rules and guidelines gives you access to the general discussion section; verifying your age gives you access to BDSM- and kink-related sections; and being an active and trusted member who contributes to the server over time gets you access to the private sections.

This will also be a much easier way to get in contact with me, and keep the majority of my interactions with the community in one place, instead of hunting across Tumblr messenger for both my accounts, Asks, Twitter, Discord DMs, Telegram, Kik, and email.

VRF - Next Steps and Future Work

In the next few weeks, the VRF website and Discord community will soft-open and move toward general opening.  This is a new direction for me, but after assessing my priorities and goals, it is the solution best suited for what I want to achieve.  I will continue to use Tumblr, but will likely be focusing the majority of my time on the website and Discord.

The mission and values I’ve identified leave quite a bit of room to explore various ways to express these kinks and share knowledge.  I’m not hard-set on VRF being a blog with porn and captions, and could see changes or pivots in the future.  I would love for this work to be able to generate some modest revenue in the future in order to cover basic operating costs, support survivors of abuse as well as kink education and safety, and commission custom content.  As an aside, if you read all of this, please start your request for access with the word “potato” in all caps to let me know you got this far.

I also want to move toward a more ethical and sustainable model of captions and fantasies.  My first step toward this is in creating gifs myself and fully crediting the source, which I started doing when I returned from hiatus.  Concurrently, I am working with my partner, who is an artist, to develop illustrations and animations to accompany captions instead of commercial pornography - we’re still in the R&D phase for this, but hope to share some early content soon (including a fantasy and sketch that we’re working on to accompany a follower submission).  Ideally, we would be able to collaborate with submitters and sex workers to create fully original, credited, and compensated content - but that’s a huge stretch goal for the future.

We are also considering other formats for fantasy and knowledge delivery, including a visual novel format or interactive media (i.e., games) if the art development turns out well and proves sustainable.  We’re both fairly busy people in our personal and professional lives, and in situations where we have to maintain a fairly strict separation between kink involvement and our everyday lives, so carving out time for VRF work is challenging at times!

I look forward to seeing folks on the VRF website and Discord community soon!

[mariaiscrafting]

I’m the anon about fanfic and fanart. I just want to say that I’m fine with analysis when they talk about how dnf react to each other when they say or do something but don’t really like how they bring that point into their relationship. It’s one thing to me to say they have a flirty friendship but insisting that they have something more in private bothers me. I always thought that fanfiction and fanart are ways to analyze creators or dynamics so I was curious on what you thought of them. Fans always project things onto creators they like so they make things arolving them. I know you’re worried about how this can strain the content creators and other fandoms, but establishing boundaries is important and it was already addressed by the Dream Team themselves so I don’t see why you have to go out of your way to tell dnf shippers to not to analyze them. I’m not here to hate you but wanting to understand how making a call out post to tell dnf shippers to not to psychoanalizing interactions instead of trying to put more of a distance between yourself and the blogs without putting them down. On Twitter, there was a tweet that misinterpreted Dream and George’s first meeting and Dream corrected them but never condemned them for shipping. He also said in many tweets and said in stream that just how they are and said that fans are allowed to do what they want when it comes to them. Also liking a fan tweet where #Dreamfell was dnf related even though the situation didn’t need to be. Twitter is directly involved with the creators themselves so of course it’s hard to ignore. Even then in Twitter you can still mute words. I’m here for a conversation and not out hate. This is Tumblr where it’s mostly Fandom focused and some dnf shippers like to analyze to project whatever onto them so if we don’t want to see it, asking for a tag so you can block it here. Like #dng long post or just block the analysis tag. We’re all responsible to create our own fandom experience so I don’t want to call fans disgusting when they haven’t done anything wrong since Dream had stated He’s fine with it. I don’t want you to feel excluded in the dnf side of Tumblr since you still find the ship nice, but if you don’t want the long analysis posts since it feels morally wrong to you then we can try to agree on separating the casual and the analytical side of dnf. Your feelings towards dnf blog analysises are valid so your fandom experience should be catered to.

I am actually half delirious while answering this, so Imma keep it short and simple.

I do cater my own tumblr experience to what I want. I do block people who post stuff I don't like so I don't see it in the tags. All your advice is nice, but unnecessary.

I think that I should be allowed to criticize circles that I am in in the hopes that they will approve and shift what they consider the norm. Yes, Dream said that he is okay with shipping and has engaged with it and panders to the audience with it. But to take anyone's green light on any issue involving their personal lives, and to run rampantly with it is still fucked.

And look, I don't think I've properly articulated why I call this behavior disgusting. I want to emphasize that I view it as dehumanizing. To reduce a person's behaviors and tendencies to whatever vicarious romantic gratification you can get from them is an appalling act, devoid of empathy. It exemplifies the commodification of CCs for the audience's sole entertainment and that audience's lack of basic respect for them or acknowledgement that they are real life human beings who function beyond whatever romantic framework you fantasize them in. I keep bringing up this example, I know, but it's what incited this whole discourse for me in the first place, but that analysis of Dream's few seconds of silence as him focusing on George's voice because he's just so in love with him? That analysis, and the overwhelming consensus on that post perfectly exemplify just how dehumanizing this crossing of a line can be. It erases the conceptual space for any other, rational and non-romantic explanation for a few seconds of silence that could have easily been attributed to distraction, a moment to collect his thoughts, etc. It also perfectly exemplifies how, through the overanalysis, shippers force CCs into two-dimensional boxes that best fit their wants, devoid of nuance. In this instance, Dream is not a busy content creator who hasn't streamed very often for the past few months and might be readjusting to consistently talking in front of a live audience, or a young adult with ADHD whose brain jumps from point to point in its search for dopamine, or literally any other kind of human being with multiple characteristics and personality traits influencing his behaviors; he is a prop for our self-idulgent ship. I'm reading way too much into this one example, I know, but I just want to also say that this is like a much higher problem than just one post. I don't care about the content of one fucking post, I care about what that post and the methods of analysis employ imply about the rest of dnf shippers. This community is following behaviors that are concerning, and this is just one example of hundreds that exemplify that.

Projection is fine. Projection is employed in RPF fanfictions, character headcanons, different fanart styles - it's all over the mcyt fandom and I don't have a problem with it. My PROBLEM is with people who act like their analyses of Dream and George and literally any other content creator are actually representative of reality. My problem is with people who don't understand that there is a difference between stanning and creating/consuming fan content for a creator's persona, and theorizing about what that creator's actual character as a real life human being is.

Okay, also, I might just be getting more irritable because it's 2 am and I want to be asleep, but I actually do have a problem with you essentially saying that a preferred solution for me is to simply cut myself off from half the community. Basically, I should just plug my ears and shield my eyes if I see problematic content I am morally against? Fuck off, mate. There are many, many things I choose not to start discourse on and simply block or mute because I don't care enough to try and change it. But dnf shipping is something that I actively engage with, is kind of a significant part of my online presence and experience, and also a way I've made a lot of friends in this community. So yeah, I have a vested interest in making sure it doesn't go down the same, fucked paths I've seen other shipping communities go down, and if that means making a discourse post that makes you uncomfortable, I suggest you block me.

I'm not advocating for this fandom to partition up based on what we all think is right and wrong. I want integration of different ideas, useful discourse, and self-growth. And none of that is solved by creating a separate hashtag

[thekillerssluts]

THE PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE OF WILL BUTLER

It’s been nearly four centuries since the first member of the Butler family arrived in the United States. From Quakerism and Mormonism to getting thrown in jail, the Butler family history is a fascinating story which bears one constant, one recurring theme on which the Butler’s always touch base: music. On new solo album Generations, Will Butler (Arcade Fire) expands his horizons while delving into his own legacy and asking questions about his place in society as an American. Jack Parker called up Butler to discuss his namesake’s glistening legacy, the new album and societal parallels between 2020 and 1820.

Hi Will. Generations is your second studio album, and it comes five years after your debut, Policy. Was it always a long term plan, in your mind, to put out a second album? Yeah. I was always going to do a second record, but my wife and I have an eight year old and two twins. Not to blame the twins, but I would have made a second record earlier, haha. There was also the last Arcade Fire record, and I went to grad school. It’s been busy.

You described this album as more of a novel. Would you call it a concept album? I don’t think of it as a concept album, but any listener or critic is welcome to interpret in whichever way they like. There is a sonic arc to the album, and although it’s not exactly character development there is some sort of development throughout the record. I feel like it takes on a journey.

The stories on some tracks are definitely vivid in places. What informed your songwriting on some of these songs? Fine tells a very poignant story. Some of the songs on the album have a big focus on 19th century American poets like Emily Dickinson or Erwin Melville. Melville isn’t famous for his poetry, but he has some good poems about the Civil War. I was reading a lot of history, and a lot of the themes are essentially just trying to absorb what the fuck has been happening the last 200 years.

And of course everything that’s been happening the last six months. Do you notice many similarities between the last half year versus the last 200 years? Yeah. We had Ferguson and Baltimore, and people are protesting now too. People are rioting! But this isn’t an outlier in American history; the police keep brutalising people and those being brutalised keep saying that enough is enough. It happens every few years, so it’s a very consistent part of history. It’s shocking that people even need to come out and say that black lives matter. That is an outlier, the fact that we have to highlight that killing black people is a bad thing. It’s never exactly the same throughout history, but it’s certainly familiar in a dark way. The pandemic…eugh. There aren’t many global pandemics which I’ve experienced in my lifetime, but it’s certainly not what I expected.

The sonic palette of Generations is much broader. There seems to be more emphasis on exploring different sounds and styles; was this a conscious decision or something that just came naturally? I wanted Generations to be a more complex and complicated album with more development. My brain is so broken that I think about food a lot; Policy was more a case of making dinner with whatever you can find in the fresh section at the supermarket. Generations is more purposeful, it’s layering the flavours, roasting the meat for 48 hours and stewing the bones. There’s more foraging.

I guess solo projects like this one also allow you to explore territory you wouldn’t go for as quickly with Arcade Fire. Yeah. I mean, they’re still related projects in that I’m the same human being poking at the same stuff sonically and emotionally, but with this I can go further in certain directions. This album is still collaborative, but I can also do more.

You previously said that this record asks the question “what’s my place in American history?” Assuming you know that now: what is your place in American history, as a rich, white male? It’s a positional answer, to be honest. It’s how you are positioned in a community and how you relate to the people you live with. It’s hard to answer, because it’s also in conversation with New York City and Brooklyn. Like, how is New York going to move forward? On a broader level, though, it’s still provisional and conversational.

So has working on this record helped you discover aspects of yourself which you weren’t aware of? I’m real smart on a booksmart level, but working on this record made me realise how dumb you still are as a human, on a human level. Most of us are pretty dumb, and every now and then you encounter some amazing humans, but then you’re like, “wow, I’m real dumb and I’m lost without these people”.

I just want to touch on the album closer, Fine. What informed your songwriting and the story on that track in particular? It’s one of your best works to date. Thank you. So, the first Butler came to the US in the 1630s and settled into Boston before moving to Cape Cod and living on the water. They were one of the first families to convert to Quakerism. It’s in the history records because they kept getting fined for being Quakers. They’d get thrown into jail and cops would arrest Daniel Butler in the middle of the night for exposing little kids to Quakerism. The Butlers have lived in New England on a long stretch of coastline for the last 400 years. My Mum’s family is Mormon, and my great grandfather was the last son of a Mormon homesetter who crossed the plains. He was born in the 1870s and he was a musician. He started a family band with his kids and they would drive across the desert – before there were even roads – on wooden planks to play shows in churches and then get arrested for doing it. My life today is very beautifully influenced by what happened at the end of the 19th century. It’s so beautiful to inherit such a musical legacy, but there’s also such a horrifying legacy to being an American. Why I am how I am is informed by a lot of beauty and horror. It’s about trying to figure out where you stand before you throw your first punch. You have to square your hips. It’s not so much an exercise in guilt as it is in knowledge.

Fine is trying out the Kanye West trick of being really stupid and profound by talking about important and unimportant things are the same time. I was thinking about George Washington from 250 years ago, just thinking about his legacy and on a wider scale the legacies which we inherit. How those legacies came to us, and how the world was made. It’s trying to do that both in a jokey and a horrifying way. Look at Washington’s slaves, for example. He has one named Henry Washington who I’d never heard of until I was an adult. He escaped and with the British against the United States, and then lost. In order to avoid slavery he fled to Canada and then ended up in Sierra Leone, where he ended up fighting against the British. These are incredible histories which just go ignored. Fine is essentially about trying to figure out what line of history we’re following and how we follow it.

Now more than ever people are turning to the arts for empowerment. How can we use music in 2020 to harness positive change? Music has been a great comfort to people who are doing really intense work, and I’ve seen people really respond to artists who say something meaningful. Art can really provide comfort, which I think is important. I get that there are other important angles, like how art isn’t always supposed to be comfortable, but over the years I’ve seen how much value music has for people who are trying to make the world a better place. As a musician you can’t control the people who feel comfort. You can’t tell someone horrible that they aren’t supposed to feel comforted by your music, but you can pray that your music is put in front of someone who will nourish it.

Of course. So with live music still out of the question, what’s next for you? I’m really excited for the record to come out! People have been finding meaning in comfort through music these last six months, and it kind of feels like you’re doing a service by putting music out into the world. I’ll probably do some kind of online thing, but it’s not really my speciality. I’ve got a week and a half to figure it out. My son started school today in New York, so figuring out online school for an eight year old is also a thing. And if it weren’t for the pandemic, I’d have gotten into my car and driven around Pennsylvania knocking on doors ahead of the election in November. 

[yandere-society]

(ex)fuckboy maknae line hcs trying to convince the reader they're willing to settle down for her but the reader keeps refusing, not believing them.

admin / author: @an-ambivalent

Warning: This post contains yandere themes, abusive relationships, and the characters display other behaviours that can be triggering or uncomfortable to read. This is not for the light-hearted so read at your own risk. I do not believe any of the mentioned members would display any sort of this behaviour in real life and I do not condone this behaviour either. This work is purely fictional. 

A/N: hello, I sort of used your prompt as a loose guideline. I tried to stick to what you asked for but some scenarios differ slightly from specific details of the request just because I think its good to have this scenario lead to various endings through different choices. Nonetheless, I hope you like it! 

Jimin

It began with pleas. 

“[Name] please, just listen to me,” Jimin begged, and he forcefully cornered you to the quieter side of the bar. He calculatedly situated you in between his body, and the wall to make sure you would not be able to get away. 

He hovered over you threateningly, and it was a position you had long forgotten. However, just like unclean wounds that heal on the surface but deteriorate once they get exposed to the right stimulus once more, Jimin had returned in your life as the infection that would worsen the damage. The scars he left behind had not healed and now, would never heal because he was ready to inject the sick in you once again. 

His touch lacked warmth and felt utterly icy – it was like sleeping with someone with hypothermia – he was going to steal your warmth for himself and then leave you shivering with his own coldness. 

The long forgotten memory of his hurt had remained ingrained in your muscle memory. This was because you instinctively flinched as he grabbed your face with both of his hands firmly, and made you look up into his eyes. 

Pathetic and utter desperation clinging onto the last remains of his sanity was strangely lustrous in his eyes. 

“Baby, you haven’t been replying to my messages… That’s… You know I don’t like that,” He started, and as he spoke, his voice gradually lowered and his eyes narrowed into a glare. Momentarily, he ended up applying a bit more pressure on your face, and you visibly winced. Immediately,  Jimin eased the amount of force he was applying on your face that could have potentially injured you. 

“I, I’m a better person now so I’ll look over that this once. But I-I’m here because I’m ready to settle down with you now. I’m a changed man now I-I swear! I won’t exploit your trust ever again and I’m ready to commit myself. So, you’ll give me another chance won’t you [Name]?” He stammered, and although he was not gripping your face like a tyrant anymore, there was a dangerous glint of the devil etched in his eyes. 

You shook your head. 

“Doesn’t matter what promises you make now Jimin, it doesn’t change the toxicity and hurt you left me with. I– I can’t trust you, not after you cheated on me–” 

“I only did that because I loved you too much! Because I was scared that you were so good for me 

and that I was going to lose you!” He proclaimed, and in response, you scoffed. Fear forgotten, and with a new burning fire in your heart, you shoved Jimin off you. 

“Go take that bullshit to someone else who’s stupid enough to believe you!” You snapped, and turned to walk away. However, Jimin grabbed you by the arm, and roughly pulled you back to him. With his warm breath fanning your ear – it was the warmth that he had started to seep off you without your realisation until this very moment when the cold shivers prickled your skin – his whispered threats killed the newfound determination you thought you had discovered within. 

“I warned you I would only overlook you ignoring me that once. Do it again, or disobey me again, and I’ll upload your private little recorded videos from when we used to be together online.”

(Taehyung and Jungkook under the cut!)

Taehyung

The air in the atmosphere was tense, and the fact that Taehyung’ was close to reaching his breaking point, was evident in the way his irises were empty of emotions. 

What was supposed to be a night of fun, something that would help you destress from all of the other ongoing stress in your life, had turned out to be the opposite; the situation was dire, and its’ twisted plot had just manifested the distress you wanted to get rid off in the first place. 

“You thought I was just a fling?” He asked, and the way he spoke it was posed like a usual question, but you knew better. Beneath his seemingly calm state, there was a volcanic fury on the edge of bursting. The lack of emotion in his voice – a rare phenomena for Taehyung, made you gulp in nervousness. And this nervousness only manifested when you abruptly became aware of the fact that you were having this conversation while you were bare. 

Feeling conscious about the physical aspect of your nakedness was never a problem with Taehyung. With his guaranteed experience that came hand-in-hand with his reputation of being a playboy, it never left any room for dissatisfaction. But much more than that, unlike with anyone else you had ever been with, he always took his time to appreciate – almost worship each aspect of your body. The concept of insecurity was nothing but a fleeting dream in the moments you were involved intimately with him. However, that was not the case right now. So, you could not help but pull the sheets around you closer to yourself, hoping they would provide you with some sort of comforting security. 

“I– You can’t blame me for that can you? With your reputation, how am I supposed to think of this as anything else other than a fling?!” You responded, and the unintentional accusatory tone in your voice, caused Taehyung’s fingers to twitch in anticipation. 

He really hoped you wouldn’t test his self-control again because he could only hold himself back for so long. 

“I told you I loved you, and you said it back.” 

“I– I thought it was an on the spur of the moment kind of thing,” You admitted sheepishly, and then all Taehyung started to see in that moment was red. 

However, before he did something that would have worsened the situation for you or even himself, it was fortunate presently that you were willingly and had decided to speak just in the nick of time. 

“I’m not opposed to becoming serious but I– honestly, I still have my doubts so if you’re willing to prove your loyalty and give me the time I need then we can try,” You offered honestly. Although, your suggestion was not his optimum response, it was better than what you said to Jimin in another alternative universe. 

So, knowing that the situation could be better, but also could be worse, Taehyung decided this was okay… For now. In due time, once he proved himself to you, you were going to give him all of you, and nothing less. 

He gave a smile that was strained ever so slightly. 

“Sure, I’ll wait for you and do whatever it takes to gain your trust. I hope you willingly put the same effort that I do too.”

Jungkook

“You don’t really think you can leave without my permission, do you? Tell me you aren’t that stupid [Name],” Jungkook said, sighing. Then, he rubbed his temples as if to say that dealing with your shenanigans again was a headaching chore to deal with. 

You bit your lip and shifted your gaze to the ground. The small packed bag you held in your hands that consisted of your necessities, was close to slipping out of your grip because your arms were trembling. Whether this was due to sorrow, fear, or both – you did not know. 

“I, I don’t want to be with you anymore Jungkook. I can’t be with you! No matter how much I try to move on from what happened, I just, I can’t deal with it, it’s not healthy for me. You’re not healthy for me. P-Please just let me leave,” You pleaded, and the amount of unease you felt while pleading this, made you feel queasy. 

Jungkook raised an eyebrow and scrutinized you with a  judgemental stare, before he scoffed at you. 

“How many times have we done this now? This is the third time you’ve brought it up. I told you I’m sorry for sleeping with others behind your back, and I promise I won’t do it again. What else do you want me to do?! I can’t go back in time and change the past. Get over it already,” He snapped, and you winced at the harsh loudness of his voice. 

“Why are you so awful–” You started, but Jungkook cut you off. 

“Why are you always nagging me about this? Did you ever stop to think that I slept with others out of my respect for your wishes?! You were the one who wanted to wait for your first time, so I respected your wishes and gave you the time until you were ready and fulfilled my own needs with someone else. And it meant nothing! Each time I slept with someone else it was always you I imagined, and after you became ready to sleep with me, I became ready to settle down with  you,” Jungkook stated, and to him, what he said made perfect sense. He could not understand why you kept on bringing this up and not understand it by now. 

And he was right in the way that you truly did not understand the logic behind his absurd reasoning. If anything, his logic left you feeling completely flabbergasted. The fact that he did not see anything wrong with his actions, and simply apologised for the sake of apologising and did not mean a word of it, repulsed you so much that you lost your touch with reality and were unable to grasp it. 

Seeing the frozen look on your face prompted a sigh out of Jungkook, as he walked towards you. He grabbed your bag out of your hands with one hand, and one of your now free hands with his other. 

He guided you back into your shared abode, reminding himself to arrange something that would prevent your attempts of escape permanently. 

“It’s late at night, let’s sleep on this and talk about it tomorrow,” He said. 

Jungkook decided he either had to lock you up so you could not  get access to your belongings or any money to escape in the first place. Or he would need to induce memory loss to make you forget about the whole sleeping thing so you would stop bringing it up and live together with him in peace. 

—-

I sort of associated fuck boy thing = cheating in this ;;

I sort of wrote and edited this (both) while being half-asleep so that may have contributed to some of the poorer writing ;_; I hope you enjoyed reading it nonetheless! 

[againstshame]

Anonymous request for advice: ��My brother is autistic and unemployed and I’m worried about his future."

Topics include: employment, hygiene, stimming that is disruptive and physically dangerous to others, “overeating”, family dynamics.

“Hello. I really hope I don’t come off as ableist. I just need some advice about my autistic  brother. He is currently 26 years old but has no goal or ambitions for his future ( everyone has a different pace I know) His special interest is in cartoons, and and researching about them (which I think is neat ) but it’s the only thing he does besides eat (this has resulted in obesity). He has had one job before, but disliked it, so my mom let him quit.

He is perfectly content just eating and watching tv, I am very worried about his future. I imagine he will stay with my mom until she passes, doing what he is doing now. What about after? We try to talk to him but I think he doesn’t really listen, he just waits for the conversation to be over. For example he only showers on Sunday, and we ask him why and suggest that maybe he can just use a wash cloth but he refuses, so we just have to deal with the odor every week

Like I said he is very large so when he stims (he stomps and spins) it shakes the house and the floorboards make a lot of noise and my teachers ask me what it is  cause it can be heard through my mic even when I’m in the basement ( online school). I ask him to be quieter but he ignores me ( I am younger) also I can’t get it attention because he is swinging his arms and I don’t want to get hit like when we were younger.

I don’t know if there’s much to be done about that tho. Is there any way to motivate my brother, how can tell my brother to think about his future. How can I talk to him in a way that he can hear me.   I am sorry if I used ableist language or phrases, if someone who is autistic or has autistic siblings can lend some advice, it would be appreciated   I want him to be able to live his life even without my mom.  Thank you.”

--

Thank you for writing in. This is a difficult situation to be in, and I hope I can offer at least some encouragement and some clarity, if not a solution.

I am autistic, and so is my brother. My brother is a little bit like yours, in that he doesn’t work and lives with my parents, while I’ve moved away. I’m older than him, though, and he may not care about my opinion about some things, but he doesn’t totally ignore me and he doesn’t physically intimidate me.

I have no idea if your brother’s life has been anything like mine, but I can tell you about the time I spent as an unemployed autistic young adult, living on my parents’ money. The main thing I can tell you is that all pressure from others to get a job or "think about my future" did was make me feel overwhelming panic. It may have seemed like I was living a carefree life but I was constantly aware that I wasn't living up to what a Good Normal Person was supposed to do, and the shame and anxiety that I felt about that were so severe that they prevented me from taking action to get a job or continue school. I tried, but most of the time, applying for jobs was so panic-inducing that I couldn’t force myself to do it.

I had no context for what work would be like, no framework to imagine what kind of job I would like or be good at. It was just a complete blank in my mind. I could not actually *want* a job, because I had no idea what it would be like- I couldn't even really imagine what having my own income would be like- which made it difficult cognitively to plan for getting one.

But also, in particular I had no conception of what a supervisor or coworker could be like other than someone who would judge me and hate me for not being normal. Looking at job postings all I could think about was how terrified I was of being judged and found inadequate. And whenever my parents or others tried to encourage me to apply for jobs, all I felt was that they were angry and disappointed with me for being a failure.

This was because most of my experience of interacting with people outside my family consisted of being bullied and socially isolated by my peers, and being mistreated by teachers. I was not able to get a job until I began to understand just how much I hated myself, why I felt that way, and how my ways of coping with (/hiding from) that feeling were limiting me. And even so, I'm certain I wouldn't have managed to apply for the first "real job" I did get except that I knew there wouldn't be an in-person interview.

I needed: 1. Self-knowledge, analysis of how I was feeling, where it came from and ways to cope with it 2. Concrete information, so that I could say "I could be good at this job" and actually believe it 3. And even with all that, I needed accommodations around the things that were most difficult and fraught for me (interviews).

Thinking back on my own experiences after I graduated from college, I'm really not sure there's anything my friends or family could have done to help me get a job sooner. There was a lot of internal work that I had to do just to be able to interact with people without being incapacitated by anxiety.

My path to getting a "real job" started with volunteer work, in which I learned skills that I was later able to get paid for, and became familiar with organizations that would hire me to do those things. That worked for me because 1. it was online, so it avoided some of the issues I had about meeting new people and talking to people in real time, and 2. I could essentially try out what it was like to have that job by volunteering, with no barrier to entry and no consequences if I decided to back out. That's the best advice I have for your brother- to sort of move laterally towards a paying job through volunteer work, topics he's already interested in, communities he's already connected to.

--

Finally, a word of caution. In your message you mention several different issues with your brother, and I think it's important to be clear about the distinctions between these different issues and why you're concerned about them.

Some of them are problems *for your brother* that don't directly affect you, but you're concerned on his behalf (his future financial security) Some of them *do* directly affect you (noisy stimming while you're trying to focus on school) Some of them aren't really direct, immediate problems for either of you, but they seem like bad things on general principle (being fat)

Our feelings about other people are naturally a mixture of reactions to many different things about them, but please be careful.

It may seem better or more justifiable to say that your brother needs to change for his own good, for the sake of his future, than to ask him to change because he's bothering you, but it's not better. Covering the one thing with the other minimizes your own needs and feelings, which deserve to be listened to and respected, and it makes your comfort and safety depend on controlling your brother's life to a degree that is beyond your right *or your ability* to control.

If he were a significantly different version of himself who had a full-time job and showered regularly and wasn't in your house all the time making you feel like you have no space to yourself, that would sure solve all your problems, but nothing you can do will make him become that person. You especially can’t fix him if you don't trust each other, like each other or listen to each other. Even if you could make him change somehow, it wouldn’t be your responsibility to fix his life for him. That’s a big burden to take on! What you can do, though, is recognize your own needs and find ways to stand up for them.

I don't think I have any really useful insight about getting your brother to take you seriously when you say he's making too much noise. I don't think that's an autism-specific problem. When people have been doing something a certain way for a long time, and it's always seemed to be okay, it can take some repetition to get them to understand that something is actually not okay and they need to change their behavior in the long term.

My advice is what I've heard general advice bloggers say about general interpersonal conflicts: talk to him about it *not* "in the moment" when he's being noisy and you're in class, but at a time when neither of you is stressed and you have time to discuss it. Bringing in other people (your mother?) to confirm that this is a significant problem may help. Still, you may have to repeat yourself a lot.

If your mother *won't* take your side, even for a very reasonable compromise like "do that stim somewhere else" or "at this specific time while I'm on a zoom call, do a different stim," then... that’s not fair to you, and maybe you should think about getting *yourself* out of this house instead of your brother.

The bottom line, I think, is that none of this should have to be your responsibility. You haven’t said your exact age, but you’re still in school. You deserve to be able to make setting *yourself* up for a good life your top priority. It’s good that you want to help your brother, but there may not be much that you can do- especially if he doesn’t *want* to listen to you. I think you should focus on taking care of yourself, and if that incidentally helps your brother or improves your relationship with him, that’s a bonus.

[queermediastudies]

Feminist Vampires: Don’t Invite Mainstream Audiences Inside! (Madi Mackey)

Bit, written and directed by Brad Michael Elmore, is the story of a young trans woman named Laurel who moves to Los Angeles and finds herself mixed up in a friend group of female vampires. She is quickly turned into a vampire herself and thrust into their world. Duke, the leader of the girl gang, implements some very strict rules for the group. The most important rule is to never turn a man into a vampire, stating that they can’t handle the power. The film follows the five young women as they navigate their lives as both vampires and members of a bustling Los Angeles night life. The drama comes to a peak when Laurel accidentally bites her brother and has to decide between saving his life and following Duke’s rules.

The film is an excellent example of modern day intersectional feminism. The core group of women is very diverse, representing African American, latina, butch, and transgender identities. They are all women-loving women in some sense, though their specific sexualities are never detailed. They are unflinchingly focused on retaining their power and their sisterhood by refusing to let a man into their groups and forbidding any usage of their mind-influencing powers on each other. However, the film is not perfect, and does not hold up to much scrutiny from a queer perspective. Duke, the previously mentioned leader, is also the only white girl in the group. Their hatred toward men could push the idea that all feminists hate men, further isolating the movement. Finally, the film does not mention class or any struggles associated with the marginalized communities the characters belong to, reducing the film to a post-gender, post-sexuality world. For these shortcomings, I argue that Bit is a great stride in the queer movie industry, but it misses the mark in many categories, and could therefore cause more damage to the trans, lesbian, and feminist communities than the positive impacts of such representation could outweigh, if it were to leave the arthouse and break into the mainstream.

One major theme in Bit is intersectional feminism. As mentioned before, the group of vampires is quite diverse, but this inclusion is only skin-deep. Their dynamic still enforces white, middle-class homonormativity. The girl with the most power is white and cisgender, and all of the girls are able-bodied and middle- to upper-class. Joyrich explains that television industries must continually portray homonormativity to maintain profits, and the same can be said for the film industry (2013, p. 5). Although this is a low-budget film that premiered at an independent film festival, the director, Elmore, stated in an interview that one of his main goals was for the movie to reach a larger audience of at-home viewers (Dunagan, 2019). His yearning for mass reception might have caused him to reproduce homonormativity for the film to be more palatable and, therefore, more profitable.

This is not the only flaw within the production practices for this film. Similar to criticisms regarding Pose and The Death and Life of Marsha P. Johnson, Elmore is a cis white man who took it upon himself to tell a queer story. By doing so, he took production resources and material benefits from its popularity away from the trans, lesbian, and POC communities who live the stories that he is telling (Tourmaline, 2017). Elmore explains that he read multiple theoretical texts and memoirs regarding gender while writing the script, and then had a close, gender non-conforming friend of his approve it before he, “felt more comfortable to show it to people in and around that conversation and community that I wasn’t close to” (Dunagan, 2019). While he did a fair bit of research into the community before creating the film, this isn’t the same as being a member of the community. Cavalcante explains this difference as a split between identifying with and identifying as a character, with identifying as a character always hitting closer to home and being more personal (2017, p. 14). Although Cavalcante makes this distinction in regards to audience reception, I believe it can be applied to production as well, and how Elmore wrote characters he could identify with, whereas a trans or POC writer could have written more personal characters that they identify as. Because Elmore is not trans or a POC, he needed to enforce homonormativity in his film in order to create characters that he identified with, as he has never lived as someone on the margins.

(Brad Michael Elmore, writer and producer of Bit)

Still, the production methods and content of the movie themselves could absolutely be described as queer. Benshoff & Griffin describe new queer cinema as films that have low-budgets, usually remain in the arthouse, and show the inadequacy of labels, instead focusing on the social discourses surrounding gender, race, and class (2004, pp. 11-12). Bit checks all of these boxes, even offering some helpful insights into social discourses. When Laurel, the transgender protagonist, is turned into a vampire, Duke tells her that their number one rule is to absolutely never turn a man. Laurel looks worried and asks, “What about me?” to which Duke responds, “Never even crossed my mind” (Elmore, 2019). Her immediate acceptance of Laurel’s identity expresses a consistent mood throughout the entire movie. Laurel’s transition and identity are never remarked in more explicit terms, and the sexuality and ethnicity of the other women are all treated with the same unspoken acceptance. The only identities that are ever mentioned are class and sex; Laurel asks one of the girls how they afford to live in L.A., and anyone who identifies as a man is immediately treated with contempt.

(watch video until 42:50)

While these approaches to intersectional identity may function well within the underground audience of new queer cinema, they could cause problems if Bit were to hit the mainstream. As Tongson explains, media representations help to produce our material realities; we rely on media to understand identities that we don’t know in the real world (2017, p. 158)). By ignoring the struggles of marginalized communities in the film, Bit raises more questions than it answers for viewers who are unfamiliar with these communities. Their confusion could cause these people on the margins to become cultural interpreters and explain their communities to those who don’t understand. Some see this as an opportunity to share their life experiences and cross cultural bridges; for others, it can become a burden of representation and they may lose a feeling of privacy (Cavalcante, 2017, p. 11). Bit could be seen as a welcome break from tragic representations for people within the trans community. Conversely,  Elmore’s silence on these issues could also lead mainstream audiences to believing that marginalized communities do not face any struggles in modern America, and therefore lose some empathy. 

This mediated understanding of reality could also be greatly detrimental to the feminist movement if it were to hit the mainstream. While I loved the explicitly feminist tone of the film, other audiences could find it off-putting and apply Bit’s ideology to all real-life feminists. The group of women in this film are quite outspoken around their distrust and distaste toward men. This could be applied to feminists, who are already called “man haters” in the real world as an attempt to invalidate their arguments. Elmore could be adding fuel to this fire by depicting feminists as exactly what the mainstream fears them to be.

Simultaneously, this bold approach to intersectional feminism is exactly why I, and many other queer viewers, love this film. My own subject positionality influences my understanding of Bit, just as those of mainstream audiences would make them feel differently about the film. I am a college-educated, middle-class, white, bisexual woman. I am also an outspoken feminist and socialist. All of my converging identities influence my view on this film and the opinions I have on its themes. As a young person who spends a lot of time in feminist spaces online, I felt such a rush while watching this film and hearing them directly saying things like, “Men can’t handle power. They have it already, and look at what they have done with it” (Elmore, 2019). A lot of people online say things about hating men, and I know from my own personal experience that the argument is so nuanced that it is simply easier to say “kill all men” than it is to explain what feminism really stands for and how it is, in fact, not simply man-hating. I love that this film expects the viewer to have this same knowledge, and can therefore say things like this without needing to defend itself and explain all of the nuance behind such a statement.

My status as middle-class and a socialist also have a great impact on my subject positionality and interpretation of Bit. Coming from a middle-class family and city, everything in the movie seemed normal to me. I was able to identify with the characters’ struggles, as they didn’t have anything to do with money or family issues. However, I could see this posing an issue for people who are struggling financially or with their family dynamic. To make up for this, the film has a lot of discourse regarding the redistribution of power and resources. Downward redistribution is a key tenant of leftism, so this movie displays clear leftist ideologies from a socio-political perspective (Duggan, 2002, p.XVI). We can see this in lines like, “How would you like to hold the keys to the kingdom for a change?” when Duke is talking to Laurel about turning, and at the very end of the movie, when Laurel’s brother asks her what they should do next and she responds, “Maybe what everyone with power should do and never does: share it” (Elmore, 2019).

(watch video until 1:30:00)

Finally, watching this film from the subject positionality of a woman greatly influenced my interpretation and reaction. At first, I was appalled by the group of girls and how nonchalantly they killed people, especially men. Laurel was written to have the same feelings of shock and disgust. So, when Duke said, “Our role is secondary. Our bodies are suspect, alien, other. We’re made to be monstrous, so let’s be monsters,” (Elmore, 2019) that was enough of an explanation for Laurel, and for myself, to become sympathetic to their cause. I have been personally affected by the feelings of otherness and being secondary that Duke lists, so this was a perfect line to change my opinion on their actions. However, if a man were to watch this film, especially if he were not to be a feminist, he might not be so sympathetic because he does not have the same experiences and understanding of what it is like to live in this world.

(watch until 41:12)

Bit is a film that crosses many boundaries, while still upholding some homonormativity for the sake of profit and consumption. It was written with the expectation of an audience that is knowledgeable of marginalized communities and social issues, making it thoroughly enjoyable to watch from a queer perspective. However, if the film were to break into the mainstream spotlight, its lack of nuance could cause harmful backlash toward trans communities, people of color, woman-loving women, and feminist movements. 

References

Benshoff, H. M. & Griffin, S. (2004). Queer cinema: The film reader. Psychology Press.

Cavalcante, A. (2017). Breaking into transgender life: Transgender audiences’ experiences with ‘first of its kind’ visibility in popular media. Communication, Culture & Critique, 10(3), 538-555. https://doi.org/10.1111/cccr.12165

Duggan, L. (2002). Introduction. In The twilight of equality? Neoliberalism, cultural politics, and the attack on democracy (pp. X-XXII). Beacon Press. 

Dunagan, R. (2019, August 2). Interview: A talk with Brad Michael Elmore, Director of OUTFEST’s ‘Bit’. Flipscreen. https://flipscreened.com/2019/08/02/interview-a-talk-with-brad-michael-elmore-director-of-outfests-bit/

Elmore, B. M. (Director). (2019). Bit [Film]. Vertical Entertainment.

Joyrich, L. (2013). Queer television studies: Currents, flows, and (main)streams. Cinema Journal, 53(2), 133-139. https://doi.org/10.1353/cj.2014.0015 

Tongson, K. (2017). Queer. In L. Ouellette & J. Gray (Eds.), Keywords for media studies (pp. 157-160). NYU Press. 

Tourmaline. (2017, October 11). Tourmaline on transgender storytelling, David France, and the Netflix Marsha P. Johnson Documentary. Teen Vogue. https://www.teenvogue.com/story/reina-gossett-marsha-p-johnson-op-ed 

[thedreadvampy]

dude from one white person to another sometimes you just need to learn to speak less. like not every conversation needs to involve your opinion. especially regarding people of colour talking about racism and colonialism. its ok to just sit one out.

dude from one white person to another and with the greatest possible respect: you do not know me.

I assume this is about the food post, which I've now said several times was a stupid thing to post.

(I hope it's not about the follow-up posts as well, because the thing is this is my blog and I'm posting in conversation with myself. people engaging with that is extraordinarily optional and I don't think it's great praxis to never say what you think it loud, because if you don't say it then you will never be forced to examine it. this isn't a direct rebuttal to your point though - yeah it's not great to drop that shit into a conversation other people are having - but I feel like often the two are conflated as if ever talking about shit you don't have knowledge on is always Invading A Conversation. which it is when it's in response to someone who wasn't talking to you. but it's not to talk about it on your own blog or to answer when asked. so. that's a sidebar.)

why do I say 'you don't know me'? because the internet is a weird place that is at once very social and very alienated. I fuck up and derail conversations I think largely bc of a combination of 3 reasons

a) I have forgotten that there's someone on the end of the post, I am talking to myself using a post as a jumping off point

b) I am carrying over a conversation/thought from a different context (in this case seeing a lot of posts about this from explicitly white Americans) and dropping it on someone whose Problem It Is Not

c) or indeed May Not Be because the thing about online interactions is: we only know what we're told. you know I'm white because I told you. I know you're white because you told me. I still have no idea if the OP of that post is white or not, if they're British or not, what perspective they're talking from - in real life, if I walk into a conversation between people of colour, I usually know that's what I'm doing. Online, and especially in an online culture in which conversations about race and culture are very universalised, I only know if they choose to tell me and/or if I already know them. and as we can see by the interaction we're having right now, a lot of white people have very confident assertions to make about race from a place of theory-heavy experience-light learning so actually it is often very hard to tell whether it's an 'I am charging into a conversation between people of colour and being loudly ignorant' or an 'I am disagreeing with another white person and at least one of us has some learning to do'

TO BE CLEAR. None of this makes it less harmful or less annoying when I do fuck up and stick my oar in where it doesn't belong. It is about reason not about justification, and tbh yeah I have fucked up plenty, I am trying to fuck up less but I will continue to fuck up.

But I say you don't know me because it's wild to me that you're extrapolating from 'didn't shut up once' to 'never doesn't have to be the one talking' because you DO NOT KNOW ME. you only see the things I do respond to, not the stuff I don't. and this isn't something I can judge either, really. I try not to talk over people, but I'm also aware I often struggle to not talk when silence would be better. I try to be led by others in this. There are people I trust because I know they will call me out on this shit. But you aren't one of them. You don't know me, you are not my friend, and by your own account nor are you a person speaking from a position of experience. They're not........your conversations I'm invading (in which case your frustration would be justified), and you don't have a clue whether this is a recurrent problem, a few mistakes, or a consistent pattern. You're correct that IN THIS INSTANCE I am speaking carelessly and out of turn, with an entitlement born of ignorance. You are absolutely right to say "these posts are Bad Posts." But it is full on nuts to me that you feel able to take the position of talking down to me about my universal relationship to Talking About Race when as far as I can tell you are no more an expert on Me or on The Experience Of Racism than I am. Honestly fuck off I'm tired of this shit. I will be led by people who know what they're talking about. In this case the conclusion that draws me to is 'my approach was pure dogshit and my opinion was flawed' but that's, uh. That's not your call. If you want to not see me you can block me. Otherwise be fuckin specific, don't make broad generalisations about how you assume I probably think.

[dictacontrion]

About the Draco/Harry Nazi AUs

In response to several asks and messages about this round and the last.

First, I want to summarize and center the takeaways that come at the end of this post: 

Complicity with, silence around, or diffuse support for bigotry matters. It is not neutral. 

This is not - it is never - about one or two people, but about how communities signal that they will or won’t tolerate bigotry. 

But do beware of people who are more interested in trying to garner sympathy than in taking responsibility 

This recurrence may be in part because popular members of this community have defended and protected people who were involved in propagating romanticized misinformation about Nazism in the past. Certainly, this community has not taken a zero-tolerance policy towards this content. 

This type of event is not isolated to two events or to antisemitism - see e.g. RaceFail 

If we want to make fandom a space that does not support bigotry, we must stand against it loudly and unequivocally

We must do this even - especially - when it involves holding our friends and community members accountable, and even if it is uncomfortable. 

If we are not willing to speak up and take action in defense of our principles, those principles mean nothing. 

That said: 

I’m not going to name names in this post – not because I don’t think there are good reasons for people to want to know who was involved, but because the naming of names was used to derail the conversation last time. All of these people are still active in fandom and on tumblr, and if you want to know who the main players are, I’ll tell you in a private message.

Last January, an artist posted a picture that depicted Draco as a Nazi and Harry as a Nazi prisoner. The caption (with tags that will become relevant in a minute) read:

I - as a Jewish person, as a queer person, and as a member of this fannish community – found this disturbing for a number of reasons. The idea of a Nazi AU squicks me hard enough on its own. This piece also used anti-semitic language, suggested that a “Jew servant” would fall in love with a Nazi soldier and that it could be the case that “war brought them together” when the war was predicated on the genocide of Jewish people, Roma people, disabled people, and queer people. That last bit is important too; the piece ignored/erased the Third Reich’s internment and killing of queer people, and suggested that same-sex love could flourish in the Nazi regime. All of this adds up to misinformation that is – always, but especially in the current global political climate – dangerous.

A well-known author and blogger in the H/D fandom reblogged this piece, including the caption, with supportive tags, as pictured above. They were the first, and at that point only, person to reblog the piece, and without that reblog it's unlikely that it would have gained attention or been seen by many people. Several people pointed this out to them. They responded to private messages from me and several others and, iirc, to anons, saying that they hadn’t been aware, that they hadn’t seen the caption, that they hadn’t done anything wrong, that “the art by itself is lovely and it was for that very plain and simple reason that I reblogged it,” and that they shouldn’t have to and were not going to apologize or remove the art from their blog.

It would have been very, very easy at this point for the reblogger to apologize and remove the piece. They chose not to.

I contacted the artist and the reblogger privately before making any public statements. The artist defended their work unequivocally. The person who reblogged it continued to defend their reblog of and support for the work across several back-and-forths.

While this was going on, I made a very general post about it: "so some of y’all are starting 2018 by adding antisemitismn and ignorance of historical homophobia to the giant flaming pile of homophobic stereotypes in the tumblr drarry fandom, huh? not a good look, folks. "

A third person – also a well-known author and blogger – entered the fray at that point. They replied to that post, saying that I was "having fun vaguely calling people out" and "mak[ing] people paranoid."

In response to that comment and other ongoing conversation happening in the moment, I then reblogged and added on to my post. I named both the artist and the reblogger and said that that their actions, in creating the art and in giving it a large platform, were “moving into a territory of softening and downplaying the significance of horrific actions taken against, and ideologies that still endanger, queer and Jewish people. I don’t know about y’all, but I have less than zero tolerance for that.”

I stand by that statement.

Following that addition, along with several other bloggers’ posts about it and continued criticism from a number of people, the reblogger took down the art and apologized.

I had never engaged with either the artist or the reblogger before this encounter. I have not engaged with them since. I would have been content to leave it there.

However, the third person reblogged and commented on my expanded post. In that reblog, they defended the reblogger's actions, said that I was being unfair to the reblogger, that the reblogger was very upset at being attacked like this, that I wasn’t really concerned about the post but was using it as an excuse to attack the reblogger (who, again, I had not named prior to the third person's accusation that my vagueness was making people paranoid, and who I had never previously interacted with), and said that I should leave fandom.

The third person is someone I had engaged with beforehand, though have not engaged with since. I had not contacted them about this set of events; they initiated this exchange.

I will also note that they had left provocative comments on my posts prior to this, including telling me that I should leave fandom. I have heard through multiple grapevines that this, generally and in the specific instance of the debate around the Nazi AU, was intentional – that, because I wasn’t excited about their work (though also did not criticize it) and because I was critical of fannish trends their friends supported, they were trying to get me to do something that would give them reason to call me out, to make me look bad, to paint me as a bad actor. This is consistent with other interactions I had had with them – with they way they spoke to me about other people, and the way they had behaved towards me previously.

What that means, in this case, is that this person exploited the fact that I – as a queer person, as a Jewish person – was upset by and angry about antisemitic and homophobic art, to get a reaction that they could use towards their fannish political ends. 

This person used the vulnerabilities that are an unavoidable part of my life in the real world to provoke me so that they could malign me in fannish space.

This third person has since made a public statement, as well as a private one to me (which I have not responded to), about their actions. These statements have had several things in common. They have consistently painted themselves as in need of and deserving of sympathy. They have never named or apologized for the harm they caused. They never take responsibility - there is no “I’m sorry for defending the spread of misinformation about Nazism” or “I acknowledge that my actions may have signaled to white supremacists that they can spread their ideas in this space” or “I apologize for supporting an action that harmed people within my community” or “I was wrong to stand up in defense of the spread of the romanticization of the Third Reich." They have never, to my knowledge, come out and said that their defense of someone who gave antisemitic and homophobic art a platform was wrong. They have, however, talked about why this has been hard for them, about how difficult it is to hear other people tell them that they are wrong, about how it’s made them cry and how they feel so bad about it all.

It’s made me cry, too. It’s made me feel more uncomfortable and unwelcome and unsafe in fannish space than anything else ever has. It was and continues to be a reminder that the people who I am in community with may very well hate the things I am, and may have no reservations about using that against me. It’s made me withdraw from fannish spaces.

As all of this was happening, a number of other creators and bloggers seemed to get on side with the reblogger and the third person. A number of authors who I had known for some time and had respected and counted as friends or friendly acquaintances unfollowed me after this third person’s very vocal insistence that I was a bully (which, I'm told, extended beyond those public posts). Several people have told me that, following this, reccing my fic or referring to my posts became unofficially verboten in the Drarry Discord and other semi-public fannish spaces. The reblogger and the third person have a lot of sway in this community. They used it - used my reaction to antisemitic, homophobic work that glamorized Nazis - to provoke a reaction and use it isolate me from a space that had been a respite, to create an environment that felt so hostile and uncomfortable that, for a long time, I couldn’t stand to be here.

This whole string of events - the creation and promotion of bigoted works, the defense of that creation and promotion, the unwillingness to learn or hear criticism or take responsibility, the framing of people who are asked to reckon with their actions as victims, the framing of people who insist on naming and resisting bigotry as bullies or problems, the isolation and vilification of people who speak up - is not unique to me, or to this case. It happens over and over and over again, in spaces online and off. It will keep happening unless we stand in its way. 

I still do not regret my refusal to tolerate antisemitism and homophobia in this community. I would do the same again. I only hope I would - I perpetually aspire to - do it with just as much conviction and just as much willingness to take risk for those of you who are marginalized in other ways, and who also look to this community as something of a respite from that.

At the time, I was too upset to say any of this. I was panicked. I was hurt. I just needed to get out. But I’ve since wished that I had said more, so I am now, particularly as I see some dynamics of it playing out again.

Again, if there are takeaways worth taking away, it’s these:

Complicity matters. Silence matters. Support for people who give a platform to bigotry matters, even if you call it by another name. It is not neutral. I know that no one has the energy to respond to every thing at every time - but if you use the energy you do have to defend and excuse it, you are worse than complicit. 

This is not – it is never - about one or two people. There were quite a few people who supported and excused the artist’s work, the reblogger’s decision to give it a platform and initial refusal to apologize, and the third person’s defense of the reblogger.

But do beware of people who refuse to apologize, who paint themselves as victims instead of taking responsibility for what they’ve done.

If this is recurring, it may well be in part because popular members of this community defended and protected people who were involved in propagating romanticized misinformation about Nazism. It may well be because people have signaled that those who want to tell stories and spread ideas that glamorize Nazism will not only get away with it, but will be defended and protected.

This is not an isolated event. This pattern of behavior has recurred again and again in fandom. Especially if you are not already familiar with it, please see the fanlore entry on RaceFail.

If we want to keep fandom from being a space that does not support Nazism, white supremacy, racism, homophobia, antisemitism, ableism, and all other forms of bigotry, we must do what I still do not regret doing: we must stand against it loudly and unequivocally.

We must do this even – especially – when it involves holding our friends and members of our community accountable. We must do this even when it is uncomfortable.

If we are not willing to speak up and take action, if we are not willing to risk our comfort, risk our status, risk our ease in order to defend freedom and equality, than we are not defenders freedom and equality. If we are not willing to speak up and take action in defense of our principles, our principles mean nothing.