#who is a good representation of what it's like to be sadistic *in reality*

[not-poignant]

Hi! I am usually a lurker, but I have been following you for about a year or so (found from r/MM_Romance AO3 recs search) and my first read was Deeper into the Woods. -- Do you have any recommendations for "realistic" portrayals of sadists? (AO3 stories or MM romance but also open to non-fiction recs/other) -- I do not have any real-life experience with people who identify as sadists or the kink community in general, so I wonder how exaggerated the fiction is sometimes. Thank you for your time!

Hi anon!

I'm going to rec two of my own fics - Spoils of the Spoiled (especially tracing a young sadist who has to figure out where the lines are between reality and fiction in his own life), and Falling Falling Stars (which depicts an experienced genuine sadist who is quite frank/open about talking about it and is comfortable in himself about it).

You probably have a lot more experience with real life sadists than you know, since most of us are just regular people! (And quite a few of us are also masochists as well). Honestly it's possible to see people with sadistic tendencies in every walk of life. From massage therapists who enjoy working the knots out of their clients (including the 'good pain' it results in), to the professional manufacturers of boutique hot sauce, who like nothing more than watching someone suffer through what they created.

(And same with masochists - you need only look at the people who enjoy that hot sauce and the pain it causes them, lmao.)

You might also like the published m/m romance series by Lisa Henry and JA Rock known as the 'Boy series.' It starts with The Good Boy and the sequel is The Boy Who Belonged. It is, imho, a great and realistic depiction of an experienced sadist and a newbie masochist, as well as a trauma recovery story with an age gap, which realistically addresses the age gap, the sadism, lateral ways of being sadistic with someone who finds impact play triggery, and more. For me it's still one of the gold star versions of published m/m which shows the perspective of both characters, so we get to see what they're both thinking, and - imho - it's pretty realistic!

I'm also gonna rec one of my fanfics, The Beast that Chose Its Own Bridle, since a lot of the chapters are from the sadist's perspective, and while the setting is fantasy, the actual thought processes behind setting up scenes, the intention, riding the line between too much hurt and the right amount, what kind of pain is sexy and what isn't, etc. is - I feel - quite realistic. It's one of the things that fellow sadists have praised my work for (that the sadists feel like real sadists, and not just wish fulfillment sadists, who are otherwise apologetic for enjoying someone's pain), and while I still have a lot to learn re: writing in general, it's one of the reasons I write what I do!

[irrealisms]

hi! for that ask game, uh, i don't super know what i can reasonably expect you to have opinions about, so i am hoping this will work better if i give you a list and you can pick and choose stuff to have opinions about? ☕️+ [c!phil, c!sam, hannibal (the show in general, or just the guy if you want), pangolins, love (as a concept / as it applies to your own life / a specific flavour of it / whatever), the history of science]

c!phil - i am TRYING to like him okay i am TRYING. i. like him more than i used to. definitely. he's a super interesting character! i want to like him! unfortunately when it comes down to it i am just... ultimately not really a c!phil fan. pensive emoji.

c!sam - i loooooooove him. representation of autistics who just kind of suck and are bad people. he is so rigid and bad at understanding people and bad at plans changes and especially bad at not responding by digging himself deeper and he has a complicated relationship to [personhood], he is part of the machine that eats people and he is an awful person-machine and he never asked why do you want this horrifying prison made, just how do you want it made, and he follows instructions to the T long after it no longer makes any sense for him to do so and sometimes he enjoys the cruelty and sometimes he doesn't and either way he continues being awful in this terrible methodological way because it is too worn into him to do anything else. i love the parallels between him and c!dream, between these two sadists who made their own prison. i love his desperation to be doing a good job and obeying all the rules and i love his deep and abiding misery that comes from it and i love his power trip that comes from it and i love his self-justifications and his insistence on always doubling down rather than admitting defeat. i love the way he is both a dom and a sub (not in a sexual way but in a deeper way of relating to the world) because he gets an awful sort of enjoyment out of Enforcing Justice And Rules on others but also he does it to himself & he wants so badly for someone else to take control of his life and pat him on the head and tell him he's doing a good job. he is Crushing and Being Crushed! i love. my local Buried TMA Avatar .

hannibal - HANNIBAL MY ONE TRUE LOVE....... watched s1 for the first time when i was 13 and it dug its way deep into my brain and will not be coming out ever. the capital-r Romance of it all!!!! sometimes i think all i ever want is to be in a relationship like that, all-consuming and hungry and conjoined and eating and being eaten, understanding and being understood on a level no one else can touch, and then i remember that's why i go to church. other times i think, this is horrifying, this is abusive, why does no one see or acknowledge that this is horrifyingly abusive, like-- i realize that there is Murder involved as well but the fandom is so victim blame-y and buys into all of hannibal's rhetoric without acknowledging the power dynamic and it's so profoundly uncomfortable sometimes-- i realize there is sexism and racism in the show which we can talk about all day long but the show is so profoundly anti-ableist in a way almost no tv shows are and the fandom is so!! fucking!!! ableist!!!!! it's about love and it's about the things we do to survive and it's about trauma bonding and it romanticizes all of these things in a way that rings very true to the experience and also gives me very very complicated feelings sometimes and. screams. also it doesn't care about consensus reality but in a way that is realer than real, truer than true. it taught me a surprising amount of pretty high-level literary analysis when i was in the fandom back when i still read meta for it obsessively instead of largely giving up on the fandom in disgust. we construct fairy tales, and we accept them.

pangolins - i'm a fan. he's just a little guy!!!!!!!!

love - ooooh this is a complicated one. it is so broad. i love so many things and so many people, at least in English, in the ways we define the borders of [love]. i fall in love so easily, much easier than i fall out of love. part of what made Christianity appealing, maybe, is agape. i want, have always wanted, to love everyone. this connects to hannibal, a little, and also to ender's game, and to a wind in the door. when you understand someone, no matter how horrible they are, you cannot fail to love them, the same way you understand and thereby love yourself. love your neighbor as yourself. the existence of a creator implies the existence of a loving creator; to will someone's existence is the same as to will their good, because [what good-for-someone is] is [Being-themselves]. i don't find that argument wholly persuasive on its own but there's a seed in there that is compelling. love is not always unterrible; cf hannibal again. love can be monstrous. i think a lot about john darnielle's quote about love love love--quite possibly my favorite song of all time--

The point of the song is, you know, that we are fairly well damaged by the legacy of the Romantic poets--that we think of love as this, you know, thing that is accompanied by strings and it's a force for good, and if something bad happens then that's not love. And the therapeutic tradition that I come from--I used to work in therapy--you know, also says that it's not love if it feels bad. I don't know so much about that. I don't know that the Greeks weren't right. I think they were--that love can eat a path through everything--that it will destroy a lot of things on the way to its own objective, which is just its expression of itself, you know. I mean, my stepfather loved his family, right? Now he mistreated us terribly quite often, but he loved us. And, you know, well, that to me is something worth commenting on in the hopes of undoing a lot of what I perceive as terrible damage in the way people talk about this--love is this benign, comfortable force. It's not that. It's wild, you know?

it is still love. bad and destructive love is still love but it's not good, necessarily. i find it beautiful anyway & this is what i mean when i say hannibal dug its way into my brain. i talked about love coming from understanding but it doesn't have to, always, i don't think; that is a certain sort of love but there are others. some people i don't understand at all & i wonder if i ever did & i still love them deeply & will never be able to stop. there was a girl (is she still a girl? i don't know. i knew her as a girl) i spent every tuesday with in elementary school and we would go to the pool and afterwards we would eat cookies and popcorn and watch mythbusters. i have not talked to her since i broke up with her, the summer between freshman and sophomore year of high school (has it really been seven years?), and we were terrible for each other but whenever i think of her i hope she is doing well. that's love, too, i think. whenever i talk with my parents we are both of us never sure what to say, and i spend much of the conversation uncomfortable and confused, and neither side really understands the world the other grew up with and lived in, and we never will, and we would both do almost anything for each other no questions asked, and we end every conversation i love you / i love you too. sometimes love is about the not understanding and loving them anyway, about my dad watching mcc with me or me watching hallmark movies with my dad. it's complicated. love is not just one thing.

the history of science - i think it's beautiful of people, and very human of us, to always be curious. to be trying to figure it out. people sometimes frame science and religion as opposed; i was too [raised on madeline l'engle] to ever go in for that, i think. if a religion is about knowledge and truth and beauty then science is no threat to it; if it's not, what's the point? certainly i know too many science people to have ever believed that science and art, or [knowing how something works] and [appreciating its beauty] are opposed! see this xkcd and this comic. so I love the history of science in that... people have always been doing this. people have always been loving things and trying to figure out how they work and rejoicing in the knowledge. but it's also complicated, because the history of science is often horrifying, is people papering over atrocities if they get in between themselves and the shining beautiful thing that they love, or taking and using the knowledge that they get to create the atrocities. but also i know that this dialectic is just... how humans are. cf. my answer about love, again. sometimes love is destructive.

[vonkarma2]

deep space 9 for the show ask? (i have not seen ds9 but i still enjoy reading ur thoughts on it)

favorite male character: I think I’m going to say Jake Sisko but Bashir (yeah yeah I know he’s annoying and all which is true but 1) That makes him funny 2) he’s also representation for people who own plushies) and Ben Sisko are close. I like a lot of them though I like Rom, Quark, O’Brien, Odo if you count him as male… Damar even though he’s overrated as all hell. So is Weyoun but at least he was gay. And purple

favorite female character: For main characters I think I’m still going to say Kira even though I feel like they ran out of things for her to do for a while, her whole backstory is very interesting + sympathetic and it’s crazy how they portrayed her as such when just a few years later people would have lost their minds yk. Also she’s a lesbian and all etc etc and her oh outfit and haircut were cool and I really liked her personality. For side characters Lwaxana Troi I loved the fake marriage with Odo episode 

least favorite character: besides like the irrelevant boring ones like shakaar bareil eddington etc… I dislike the way they wrote Kai Winn towards the very end I feel like she would have been a better character with more nuance considering everything she went through during the occupation. I dislike the way the Pah-Wraiths subplot ended up being handled in general tbh like it’s not 100% bad but I don’t think they ended up building it up as as much of a threat/as interesting as the dominion so it felt kinda anticlimactic and black and white/contrived in nature. Especially since only Sisko was really involved with it out of the main cast. Don’t get me wrong I think being the emissary is a very interesting part of his character, but there’s not much that interested me abt the plot other than that and that made it feel small and self contained rather than the huge scale of the dominion conflict. Sorry that got off track.  Also I hate Sloan for being boring and for being in the CIA. As a person rather than like as a character it’s Gul Dukat and it’s not even close  

prettiest character: hmmm it’s close but I have to say Ezri. Wait I take it back it’s Leeta

funniest character: this one’s even more difficult… weyoun and quark are contenders… Sisko sleeper candidate for #1 but even then it’s hard to say. I think everyone has really funny moments at times. I’m going to say Dukat  (< even though some things he did were fucked up not in a funny way. But overall he’s just so deranged and out of touch with reality it’s really funny to watch a lot of the time)

favorite season: seasons 5 and 6 were fire I think I’m going to go with 6 though it was amazing lots of great episodes 

favorite episode: Rapture is my favorite (Dr Bashir I Presume being second) it’s so good literally look at this 

my third place is take me out to the holosuite fourth is in the cards and fifth is just the scenes where Odo had the baby changeling that one time that was so cute. I do hate Dr. Mora though I feel like it’s disengenuous to characterize him as completely sadistic and evil bc yk he was a bajoran living under the occupation and he had no idea what the nature of the sample was at first but he still fucking sucked he was such an asshole me when I refuse to admit I was wrong and don’t ever change or take others’ feelings or experiences into consideration or apologize for physically harming my liquid son. + I feel like the show was way too willing to present him as right when a lot of the time he just was not 

favorite romantic ship: I wasn’t on board with Kira/Odo at first at ALL but I was kinda sold on it eventually, although I do have some problems with its execution (mainly I don’t think they focus on Kira’s feelings and perspective nearly enough I really loved the episodes leading up to them getting together. Actually I take it back I still think in concept it is pretty sweet but a lot of what they did with it in execution was not it to me, what I like abt it in the actual show is more abt what it said abt or contributed to or whatever to Odo’s character, it really didn’t add much to Kira’s in my opinion which is very sad bc she was my favorite character in the earlier seasons. So I guess that leaves Lenara and Jadzia as my favorite. I might be biased for obvious reasons but I genuinely really liked their relationship, like the way it was written and acted during the episode. Ofc it only had to last 1 episode so it wasn’t the most in depth or anything but I really enjoyed watching it. Idk if it should be #1 though. Jadzia and Worf were pretty hit or miss, Miles and Keiko I actually liked but they were kinda dragged down by shitty writing on occasion. Sisko and Kasidy I like but I wouldn’t say theyre my favorite I feel like they didn’t have that good of episodes together, like they did have some but there weren’t that many times when they were on the same side which is a shame (and they have the same thing as Kira/Odo where they don’t focus on her perspective enough in my opinion but it’s to a lesser extent). Kasidy was based for helping the Maquis though. Non canon ones I don’t see a lot of evidence for so I’m not including them (like I’m not against them I can see all of them but I don’t think that in the actual universe of the show they are romantic in nature. Well romantic and reciprocal at least Garak was definitely into Julian at least initially). Ok I guess I’m going to say Miles and Keiko whatever whatever they were cute ok I don’t care what people say I liked them. I liked them in Time’s Orphan and the badminton or raquetball or whatever it was episode.

favorite family ship: do I even have to say it Jake and Ben Sisko <33 their relationship was like my favorite part of the show since s1. I haven’t talked abt Worf in this whole post so I’m going to talk about him here, I think it’s funny how he did not parent his son whatsoever. That’s mean I’ve only said negative things abt him on this post I like him. The episode where Jadzia almost fucking died was good and the one where he was babysitting Kirayoshi was also good. The one with like his brother or whatever was bad though

favorite friend ship: julian and miles aren’t my favorite but honorable mention for their strangely gay moments that was great always loved to see it on screen. I like them all it’s so hard to pick just one. Kira and Dax was probably my favorite though I loved like all their conversations and whenever they would just like hang out. They were also kinda gay as well like that holosuite scene

^although ofc I strongly disagree with the she doesn’t swing that way part. I’m referencing homosexuality too many times I swear that’s not the only or main reason I like this show the plot is really good 

worst ship: I’ve talked abt this before many times so not to beat a dead horse but Garak and Ziyal makes me cringe he’s so much older than her its so awkward not to mention it’s completely out of character. Jake/Ziyal should’ve happened instead it would have been so cute. I know I just undermined this man’s credibility but he was right to regret this

Also Ezri/Worf (ofc that was only for like 1 episode) and Ezri/Bashir made me very uncomfortable I watched their scenes like this 😐 it sucked that they retconned him being over Jadzia too like I actually really appreciated the way he moved on initially 

[iamthenightcolormeblack]

Impressions of Dorian Gray (2009)

This is a collection of my thoughts on the Dorian Gray movie starring Ben Barnes as the titular character, which I watched shortly after reading the book.

1. THINGS I LIKED

The production design. The sets and costumes are lavish and transport you back to the late 19th century/Gilded Age. The whole aesthetic of this movie is amazing.

All the party scenes. YES HEDONISM.

Sybil Vane drowns like Ophelia in Hamlet (not in the book) emphasizing how Dorian and his friends view her as a piece of art (tragic Shakespearean heroine) rather than a human being. I like how she has long red hair like the female subjects of Pre-Raphaelite paintings.

2. CASTING

Ben Barnes as Dorian Gray. In the book Dorian Gray has blond hair and blue eyes (different from Ben Barnes) but I really like his performance here. He really is Dorian Gray because his good looks make him attractive in a dangerous way, but hides his sadistic nature (he uses other people for his pleasure and doesn't care about ruining their reputations or lives).

Colin Firth as Lord Henry Wotton. I'm not sure if he was the best choice to portray Lord Henry. He's too serious and uptight and I've always pictured Lord Henry to be a more jocular person who is great at entertaining others in his elite circle with his sly mockery of them. I think Hugh Grant would have been a better choice because Grant is great at being charming yet deceptive. A lot of Hugh Grant's characters are also good at talking intelligent-sounding gibberish for long periods of time/making witty comments (ex. Bridget Jones' Diary), so absolutely perfect for an Oscar Wilde story. Also why did they have to give Firth a most unflattering beard/goatee?

3. MAJOR CHANGES FROM THE BOOK

The movie begins with Dorian Gray dumping the body of Basil Hallward into the river and flashbacks are used to show how he got to that point, before it flashes forward to Dorian's demise. In contrast, the book has a linear narrative where events happen chronologically. Many other plot points/details from the novel were changed so that the final product resembles Sweeney Todd much more than the original novel.

Lots of sex and blood. Lord Henry takes Dorian to a brothel (never happened). The exact nature of Dorian's sins are kept ambiguous or only alluded to (with the exception of the many visits to the opium den). Instead of including more witty dialogue from the book, the movie treats the audience to weird slow motion scenes of debauchery and CGI blood splatter. I watched this movie with my parents and it was AWKWARD to say the least.

Weirdest change of all: Lord Henry becomes good and has a daughter. I strongly dislike this change because in the book Lord Henry remains a flat character whose main purpose is to voice all the hedonistic beliefs that the rich live by but won't own up to. He's pretty much the devil incarnate who manipulates Dorian to test his beliefs in action without actually practicing what he preaches. In fact, when Dorian expresses a desire to redeem himself, Lord Henry gets disappointed. In the movie, after Lord Henry has a daughter (which never happened of course) he all of a sudden grows a heart and he gets really worried when Dorian starts flirting with his daughter. He even starts to investigate Dorian and burns the portrait.

The title change from The Picture of Dorian Gray to Dorian Gray. I dislike the title change because it leaves out the fundamental theme of art as a means of revealing the human soul. The original title plays on the differences between interior and exterior appearances but twists it so that the portrait, which could be a lie (the artist's perception of the person, the features exaggerated to be beautiful), turns out to be the truest representation of the person. Art, like the portrait, blurs the boundary between illusion and reality to reveal certain truths/insights (but what those truths/insights are depend on a subjective opinion).

4. CONCLUSION

The movie is beautiful, but Oscar Wilde's social satire has been simplified into a horror movie of "pretty boy does bad things and suffers for it."

[shrimpmandan]

Am I the only one who gets annoyed whenever representation of violent mentally ill characters is treated as inherently bad rep? Like. No mental illness makes someone *inherently* violent, but violent mentally ill people aren't *bad* mentally ill people. Look at me. I'm mentally ill. I have violent thoughts/tendencies, I lash out, I'm unstable. Mental illness is ugly and unpredictable. Stop watering it down.

This isn't to say you should make every mentally ill character violent and horrible, don't misconstrue this as that. But in saying that violent mentally ill characters are always bad rep, you are implying that violent mentally ill people are *bad* mentally ill people. I'm not bad or undeserving of help and compassion due to something I have very limited control of.

The characters I create for my shitty RPs are how I create an outlet for myself. I've gotten comments about how they're too edgy, too dark, hard to interact with. That's valid enough criticism, but I don't think that realism should be sacrificed just to make people more comfortable. Mental illness is uncomfortable. It's often scary. That should not be shyed away from.

The rest of this is going to be an infodump about my main OC, Zach. I do not think he's a perfect character or even a perfect portrayal of mental illness. But I want to provide an example of violent mental illness taken from both my own experiences, and from what I've seen of other people's struggles with mental illness. All you need to know about Zach from here on is that he's a non-human species. He's essentially a sapient animal, an omnivorous species at that, which will give a bit more context.

Zach is a victim of abuse, first and foremost. From a very young age he was beaten, insulted, and yelled at. The only parental figure in his life was his aunt, and she ended up dying trying to protect him and the rest of his pack from hunters.

From a very young age, Zach learned two things. That violence is an outlet for pain, and that everyone else is out to hurt him.

He displayed sadistic tendencies at a young age. It's the only way he knew how to cope with his anger, resentment, and trauma. What made him feel alive was inflicting that suffering on other people. In the moment, he got such a high from it that it was addictive. It was like a drug. He'd feel amazing for a brief moment, and then afterwards, feel worse than he did before.

Zach isn't heartless. He doesn't like the fact that he enjoys hurting people. Deep down is a vulnerable and emotionally immature soul who craves to be loved and yet sees himself as wholly unlovable to the point of not even trying to get better. The more he believes he's a monster, the more he actually becomes one. The only way he knows how to feel much of anything is through pain. The rest of his life blurs together. Aimless, meaningless, empty, nothing. He's nothing. He only feels truly alive when he is either being hurt, or hurting another.

He believes that without another person, he's broken. Incomplete. He craves love and intimacy to such an obsessive degree that he's willing to stay with someone who doesn't love him for as long as he can delude himself that they do. He thought a relationship would fix him. It never does. If anything it made him worse.

He eventually succumbed further to the idea that he was unlovable. He stopped valuing and respecting himself. He'd fuck anything that would allow him. He mistakes sexual desirability and sex itself as love. In some ways, it's the only form of love he can understand.

This is a man(?) who kills people for a high. He's a hedonistic serial killer. His coping mechanism became a morbid curiosity, then a fetish, then an obsession. He can't stop. He isn't killing for food anymore. He is not expressing normal predator instincts anymore. And that is solely a result of the mental illness and trauma he endured.

Zach is "bad" rep. He's violent, he's cruel, he's often selfish. And yet this is the reality for a lot of mentally ill people, especially ones with personality disorders (like what Zach has, if you didn't catch on). Deep down inside, if I didn't have any impulse control or humanity, this is me. This is my rawest expression of how I feel and my emotions, even if Zach isn't a direct self-insert. I'm extremely attached to him. He's an extension of myself -- he's not the same as me, but he is an outlet for me. Because having this amount of anger and violence inside of you when you're not actually that kind of person is terrifying.

And he's also partially based on my mother, who has borderline personality. She isn't heartless either, but she has hurt me. Many times over. Especially verbally. Creating Zach is actually what helped me learn about and better understand BPD. I can understand why my mom acts the way she does. And at the same time I can vent my frustrations through Zach and his violent fantasies and anger. He's completely impulsive and with very little restraint, and that's comforting.

I doubt I'm alone in this either, using fictional outlets to vent things we could never actually bring ourselves to do. It's cathartic to enact that in fiction. So to be told that that's bad, just because it portrays mental illness as bad, hurts. Mental illness is not a GOOD thing. Mental illness does not inherently make one a worse person, but it is not a good thing. Mental illness is bad. You can acknowledge that while still being accepting.

I am not a "bad" mentally ill person. Violent mentally ill characters are not inherently bad rep. You can acknowledge that mental illness =/= violence without completely demonizing mentally ill people/characters who have violent thoughts or tendencies. Zach is a bad person. Maybe deep down I'm a bad person too. But I think I still deserve love. Everyone does. Even my emotional support serial killer furry.

[whetstonefires]

i thought the narrative did allow for sympathizing with jet and hama? hell, the narrative structure with jet and hama has their sad backstories and motives placed first, then after that they do things that make katara more and more uncomfortable until it gets to something horrifying. jet even tried to make a new life afterwards and his death is nothing but tragic. azula was introduced as a terrifying sociopath and wasn't given sympathetic attention until season 3.

Weirdly this ties in to some of the themes from the Vietnam War ask I just answered! Let’s see what I can do.

The thing is. You’re allowed to pity Jet and Hama, but they aren’t presented to us in sympathetic terms, no. We aren’t meant to empathize too closely with them, or even see them as immense tragedies. Jet’s death is sad, but it’s also a relief; it isn’t framed to stick with the viewer as even a major story beat.

We are explicitly discouraged from identifying with both of them; their role in the story is as negative examples, warning the main characters away from senseless violence and extremism.

Putting their sad backstories first and then following it with a Dark Twist actually works against making them sympathetic, because it means the motion of the narrative is away from them--we start out with a positive impression that gets worse, which leaves a much more negative psychological imprint than starting with bad and getting even a little better. It draws the attention and the story away from what was done to them and toward what they did, while the order in which Azula is shown to us moves the other way.

So their traumas are provided as context for their actions, though in a very outline version in Jet’s case, but they aren’t dwelt on; we don’t get into their heads and feel their agony with them; the narrative’s engagement with their motives is restricted to explication, and the assertion that their suffering does not justify their actions.

Which isn’t exactly wrong--they both were targeting noncombatants in a way that wasn’t likely to be terribly helpful to anyone, and that really is something that deserves warning away from because it’s very tempting when you have a lot of pain, and the proxies for your real enemy are so much easier to reach with the strength you have.

(Lateral violence is born from this process of reframing, though what they were doing was not that--they both were managing to target the actual group they had beef with, which is better than a lot of people in real life manage rip.)

But that’s a specific narrative choice that was made with these characters, to create them and deal with them as dark-reflections-in-the-world of other people’s (mostly Katara’s) wounded anger, and nothing more.

While Azula got a whole episode wherein the emotional arc of the A-plot centered largely around her feelings about her own social awkwardness and relationship with her mother.

And like. This is, for the most part, a side effect of Azula’s centrality in the story and her relationship with Zuko!

And of the way the Fire Nation royal family is used as a narrative microcosm of how the ideology behind Fire expansionism is toxic and abusive all the way down, and has to be dismantled.

So it’s not bad, exactly.

But it does mean that we’re encouraged to engage far more closely and in a much more nuanced manner with the self-image and lived experience of the homicidal, consciously sadistic young fascist from the industrially developed expansionist empire...

...than we are with the experiences and decisionmaking of the oppressed people victimized by the system of which she is a leading part. 

And that’s kind of a pattern in American media, and deserves to be pointed out and critiqued where it crops up. It’s kind of inevitable, but it would be better if it could not be an unmarked default.

The narrative, in part because of the perspective from (and to) which it was being written, can more comfortably engage with Azula’s experiences because they’re ultimately personal--they interface with the broader, institutional reality in terms of allegory and in terms of consequence, but they are built on and about, and can be discussed in terms of, the interactions of individual persons.

While otoh Jet and Hama’s formative traumas are institutional in nature--it was the Fire Nation as military power that took their families and their homes and the lives they should have had away from them; it was the Fire Nation as administrator of colonial-political prison that destroyed Hama inch by inch.

And how do you resolve that? How do you parcel that down and let that go and make peace within yourself, when the thing that destroyed you is still there in the world, still taking and hurting and still beyond your reach? It hurts and it expands as if to swallow the whole world, that question, that irreconcilable need.

Katara only comes to terms with her own, in-comparison contained, experience of being traumatized by that same institution by drilling down until it’s a grudge against a single human person, who isn’t worth it.

But of course it really was the Fire Nation that took her mother away from her. And that’s difficult. That’s beyond the scope of the children’s cartoon. So they lock it away.

And Azula is locked away in the end, too, but she’s locked away as a person, whom we came close to and watched very intimately as she broke. While Jet and Hama are to a considerable degree locked away as ideas, not allowed to escape the confines of their rhetorical roles.

Making Hama a serial kidnapper/torturer/maybe-killer and locus of horror, and sending her back to Fire Nation captivity in a community with every reason to hate and fear her, and abandoning the character there with no follow-up (except using her legacy as a characteristic of villains in the sequel series) was a narrative decision that the people writing Avatar made.

There were good reasons for it in terms of the plot and Katara’s arc and it was even good storytelling! It doesn’t Ruin Avatar and there’s not an easy fix for it.

But it was a decision, and it has reverberations in terms of the history of representation of institutionally wronged people and particularly indigenous people in American media.

Having Jet be first almost a straw man of a resistance fighter, then betrayed and victimized by his own people, and finally literally disposed of, and take his rage and struggle with colonial aftermath with him, was a choice that was made, and which also has implications and an impact on the worldbuilding.

It’s a children’s series, and it’s a plot that needs to be resolvable on Aang’s terms; there’s only so far they could pursue either thread, but those decisions--especially with Hama--carry a certain subtext, and stand in stark contrast to the depth Azula in all her glorious shattered monstrosity was permitted.

And it’s worth talking about!

I mean...Korra had a lot of writing issues, like the pacing and the horrible love triangle, but a major underlying one (at least in Season One I didn’t get any further haha) was that it tried very hard to get out of realistically engaging with the aftermath of colonial violence in any depth whatsoever, despite specifically choosing to set season 1 in a place founded on the aftermath of colonial violence.

You cannot have America without genocide and colonialism, and when you try to have expy-America without talking about the genocide and colonialism you already established in the setting...you’re shooting your narrative in the gut. 

And this situation was created out of the same limitations that let Azula be more human than Jet or Hama, and dug into the ethical complexity of her situation with far more care than either of them merited.

[jacksgreysays]

Hail to the Queen, Shikako, Uzushio remix?

it could have gone like this:

"Not it!" Tatsuma shouts, such an abrupt and loud interjection to their otherwise calm conversation that Shikako startles.

Hiki and Yose, quick to follow, exchange a glance before putting their index fingers to the tips of their noses, also declaring, "Not it!"

In a bewildering cascade, the other department heads do the same. Some more graceful than others, but no less swift, until at the end of it Shikako is the only one left in the room who hasn't disavowed... whatever is going on.

Kairyu, the ancient and wizened head of the summoning department, gives Shikako a wide and alarmingly sadistic smile. "Congratulations, Uzukage-sama," he says.

"What." Shikako looks around, trying to find the context clues that will make that statement understandable. The other department heads smile back at her with varying levels of glee. They don't look like Kairyu has said anything bizarre such as declaring her, an outsider, Uzukage. "What, no."

They continue to smile at her, some of them going so far as to similarly congratulate her for becoming Uzukage.

"Nooooooo," she says, drawing the word out. "No, this can't be how--no, this doesn't make any..." Shikako looks down at the sheaf of papers in front of her, the reports from each of the heads summarizing their respective departments' latest research and achievements.

In the past few years since Shikako has settled in this world--and, more specifically, in Uzushio--she's had to adjust to their way of life. The society built around innovation and creativity, the common and almost casual use of fuinjutsu to break and remake reality was easy. Less so was their sense of humor. 

The village has accepted her with aplomb, generous and encompassing, and Shikako thinks if she cannot go home, then this is a satisfactory second place. She could maybe do with a little less pranking, but that's apparently just how communication and affection is done in Uzu culture.

Incredulous, she looks back up at them. "This can't possibly be how you choose the Uzukage."

Kairyu strokes his chin; despite his age, his beard still has hints of red in it, a sign of the famous Uzumaki vitality. "It used to follow a bloodline and it was a life term sort of thing."

Shikako nods, because that at least makes sense; that's how Sand and Stone do it, at least.

"But we decided that wasn't fair..." he continues, and Shikako nods at that, too. Monarchies aren't known for being a government of equal and just representation.

"... because what if they wanted to go into academia and were forced instead into leadership? For life? Can you imagine the inventions trapped and forever denied to us because they were busy with diplomacy or war? Just imagine the advancements we could have lost! So we decided a five year term was long enough for stability, but short enough that the Uzukage wouldn't stagnate too much in their chosen field."

Shikako does not nod at this. This is a bonkers way to choose a leader. Then again, Uzushio is weird enough that this might not actually be a joke. "... and the deciding process?"

Hiki and Yose pat her shoulders in a commiserating manner. "The mathematics department thanks you for your service, Uzukage-sama," Hiki says.

"The music department is a wretched hive of near constant activity," Yose adds, fondly disparaging her own department. "I can't even imagine handing it over to my deputy for five whole years just to run the village."

Tatsuma shakes his head solemnly, "I'm sure you'll be faster next time, Uzukage-sama."

---

it should have gone like this:

Later, when she and Naruto are trying to figure out how it all happened, the two of them in the neutral--or, perhaps more accurately, mutually claimed--territory of Land of Wave it will be Tsunami who provides an explanation.

"It's an Oath of the Ocean," she says simply, a gentle smile on her face. Shikako wonders if she feels at all weird that the Hokage and Uzukage use her house as a meeting spot or if she just sees them both as the twelve year olds she met all those years ago.

Naruto crinkles his nose in confusion while Shikako wracks her brain desperately for any memory of that phrase. Nothing is coming up, but she's only been Uzukage for a few months and there have been a lot of higher priority matters to deal with. They look at her beseechingly and her cheek dimples with amusement: that's a point for the twelve year olds.

Tsunami joins them at her dining table and two of the most powerful people in the Elemental Nations eagerly defer to her. "It's something my mother used to tell me stories of when I was a little girl," she begins while Shikako pours her tea, the steam of it wafting up and adding to the ambiance. "Daring tales of adventure and camaraderie, the power of loyalty and devotion and promises..." 

While entertaining, the stories for the most part followed a similar train of heroism, sacrifice, and the sort of happily ever afters that could only exist in a shinobi society. They did involve two or more heroes, at least, which somewhat matched their current situation, but otherwise the tales were so disparate that Shikako couldn't see the common thread.

"... I believe she said that ninja of the Hidden Leaf had a similar thing--something to do with fire, I think?" Tsunami concluded, taking a sip of her tea.

"The Will of Fire?" Naruto asks, glancing from Tsunami to Shikako in confirmation.

"Hm, yes, that sounds like it," Tsunami says. "But it was so long ago."

Shikako hums, considering. The Will of Fire is an actual phenomenon, even if it's been largely couched in PR terms that obfuscate the science behind it. The other villages have their own sort of strange skills--like the Hero's Water of Hidden Waterfall or the Desert Scions of Sand--so perhaps that's what the Oath of the Ocean is as well.

Although how it can do so much with so little is baffling:

Naruto needed to be present at the Chuunin Exams in Cloud as Hokage. Jokingly, he had said to Shikako, "Look after my village while I'm gone."

Shikako had responded with a fond roll of her eyes, "Your home is my home."

And when a gaggle of administrative nin carrying a ludicrous number of scrolls amongst them entered his office, Naruto grinned slyly. "And my people, your people," he said, clapping a hand on her shoulder before fleeing like the absolute coward any Hokage becomes when faced with paperwork.

That should have been it. 

Except a few days into her temporary regency, news came in of a grand fleet of ships that had made landfall in the ruins of Uzushio. And another few days after that, a pair of messengers with bright red hair introduced themselves as representatives of the Uzu Flotilla seeking their Uzukage.

Gamely, Shikako explained that their, well, princess was in another castle so to speak. And, also, already Hokage.

"The name Naruto Uzumaki is a good Uzukage name," one of the messengers, Nagare, says with a shrug.

"Very traditional," the other messenger, Mancho, pipes in agreement. "Also, very famous!"

"And that is why the elders considered bringing the flotilla back earlier. We heard tell of him even on our journey," Nagare continues, "But he's not our Uzukage."

Nodding, Mancho adds, "We'd know."

Desperately trying to hide her confusion, Shikako nods in return.

"We didn't sense them until, what, six maybe seven days ago?" Nagare asks, turning to Mancho.

"Eight, I think. Although those first few days there was a lot of partying so my count might be wrong, too."

Shikako deliberately does not think of the number of days since Naruto left Konoha. "So do you need help finding whoever is your new Uzukage?" she asks, hopefully.

Nagare and Mancho turn to her, both of them bemused. "Nooooo," Mancho says slowly.

Nagare answers, "We've already found her."

---

but it actually went like this:

When everything is over, the world in relative peace, Shikako requests herself for a mission. A training trip, she'd assured everyone, much like the one she took to the Fire Temple all those years ago.

Except this time it would be to the ruins of Uzushio.

The Hokage doesn't tell her no. This is the first thing she's wanted that had nothing to do with preventing the end of the world. And so she goes.

Nothing much happens on that first trip. It's largely exploring the area, carefully mapping out or weatherproofing the places she finds. Some buildings are relatively well preserved enough that she knows she can leave it for another time, others are so reduced to rubble that she can only mark the location and hope if anything is left there to salvage it will survive a while longer.

Before too long, her month is up and she goes back to Konoha vowing to return.

Progress is slow going, really. The second, third, and fourth trips are much the same. At this point her friends consider it more a personal vacation than sabbatical, akin to taking time off to go camping and enjoying the ocean air. They're not entirely wrong, but there is an unshakeable, lingering air of solemnity through it all.

The fifth trip she makes a D-rank so she can bring her students along without things going to hell in a hand basket. Thankfully, it works. And while there still isn't much in the way of fuinjutsu discoveries, it is a good trip.

The following trips, Shikako and her team clear and collect more and more to the point where now they have to spend more time collating and archiving than continuing their explorations. When she brings this up at a kunochi club meeting, Shiho's eyes brighten.

"And there's no danger?" Shiho asks, eager but still anxious.

"There's no danger," Shikako assures. "But even if there was, I will handle it. Everyone is under my protection." Shikako herself is still uneasy saying such things, but if it brings comfort to others, she'll let them use her reputation as a shield. 

With a gaggle of intel nin sorting through their findings, Shikako and her team are freed up again to explore. More progress is made in that trip than before, and while nothing particularly inspiring is found there are some techniques which improve existing practices or tweak them enough to cause vigorous discussion when Shikako returns to the RnD with notes.

It continues like this for a while, a fairly small operation.

Shikako has no idea how Kankurou finds out about it.

"I'm just going where the Kazekage sends me," Kankurou says, his own gaggle of intel nin clustered behind him. "It's not like your movements are exactly secret, and the old nags in Suna are making noises about Leaf expanding their territory."

Before she can protest, he continues, "I know that's not what it is, Gaara knows that's not what it is, but we still have to do something to keep them quiet. So hey, here's some of our nerds if you want to put them to work. That one in particular is good with reversing the effects of erosion." Kankurou points to one of the Sand nin who meeps and ducks his head. "They're your responsibility now. Have fun."

"And what are you going to do?" Shikako asks, eying him skeptically.

"Whatever I want? There's sand and there's sun. So it's kind of like home, except no one is bugging me to do anything," he answers.

Famous last words. Shikako does put him to work, using the puppets to go into areas where it's not structurally sound enough for humans. Although that has more to do with the fact that after three days of doing nothing he keeps distracting her genin out of boredom that, really, he was asking for it.

They discover so much.

The ball is rolling by that point. Other villages send representatives of their own, mostly researchers with one or two guards but even those guards join in the efforts. Soon the villages collectively decide to build an international outpost there to be maintained and staffed throughout the year. When her team are promoted to chuunin, Shikako spends more of her time supervising the outpost than in Konoha, though they are frequent visitors and researchers as well.

It's not the same, she knows. It's not a whole village thriving and growing, but it's people eager to learn and discover and create for the sake of knowledge and that, Shikako thinks, is close enough in spirit than what Uzushio has had for a long, long time.

And when she walks the land, she can feel that lingering air of solemnity has finally been lifted and replaced with something new.

~

A/N: .... ooOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!! Oh no, anon!!! You know how emotionally compromised I am by Uzushio!!! I am so immediately overwhelmed by my feels!!! I can't do this justice, I love my impossible, ideal Uzushio too much I can never convey it, but I tried, anon, I tried.

For the Could/Should/Actually Fic Ask Box Event!

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Reviews: True North

The Golden Compass sucks. i saw that wet fart when i was younger, on a whim, and was thoroughly disappointed. Sh*t didn’t make a lick of sense to me. That film was my first introduction to the His Dark Materials and it soured me on the entire franchise. Like most of the movie-going crowd because it flopped like a fat man into a public pool. The thing abut that movie is that it felt like another entry into the Narnia Chronicles, and abhor that franchise. I’ve hated them since i was forced to read them when i was in the third grade. They were terrible, and that was before i become aggressively areligious. Afterward? Bro. Suffice it to say, when the BBC adaption was announced, it was hard pass for me. And then my mom got HBOMax.

I was seeing a ton of ads for season two, a strong focus on Lyra and John Parry. Th more i saw of those Youtube ads, i don’t watch television anymore, the more i became intrigued. Eventually, i bit the bullet and did some research on he show, itself. Yo, i was SO glad i opted to give this thing a chance. The cast was amazing. the principal characters, all some of my favorite actors but, more than that, the plot was mad intriguing. It was so clever and unique and so far removed from Narnia wank, it could be considered anti-Narnia almost. How the f*ck did that movie get so much wrong? Suffice it to say, i gorged on that first season like a fat kid gorges chocolate cake. I finished it last night and these are my impressions.

The Outstanding

First and foremost, i absolutely have to praise Dafne Keen in this, man. She is Lyra Silvertongue, heroine and main character of the entire Dark Materials series. This success of this show rests on the shoulders of the then fourteen year old and she carries that sh*t like a champ. There is a wit and wisdom that Lyra carries which belies her age and Keen taps into that effortlessly. She played Laura Kinney in Logan a few years back, keeping pace with Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, so i knew she was skilled in her craft but i never imagined she’s be able to carry such demanding fair, so early in her career. I’d say she was the best thing about this show but that’s not really true. The level of quality in this thing is just that profound.

Ruth Wilson plays Marisa Coulter, Lyra’s mother, and, holy sh*t, is she incredible in the roll. Look, i love Wilson, even when she is in less than quality productions like The Affair. That show was bogus. What wasn’t bogus was her stint as Alice Morgan on Luther. I absolutely fell in love with her on that show and Ms. Coulter gives me all of the Alice vibes, just far more cruel. If Alice was calculating and aloof, the Coulter is deceitfully cruel and i love every second of it. You can tell there is a sadistic streak, straight up wrath, just below the surface and Wilson captures that skin deep veneer in a gently terrifying manner.

James McAvoy comes through and delivers yet again with his detached and insidious Lord Asriel Belacqua. It’s always a pleasure seeing this man do his job and, admittedly, he’s not in this first season much but the time that he is, McAvoy dominates. This is a desperate, desperate, man who knows he is right and will do anything to accomplish his goal. This single-minded drive reminds me so much of Sosuke Aizen from BLEACH and, like Aizen, Lord Asriel literally threw away everything to achieve that goal. It’s wild seeing Professor X go full Magneto and love it!

Line-Manuel Miranda is in this as the snarky Lee Scoresby, Texan Aeronaut, extraordinaire. Look, Manuel is a brilliant artist, i can’t take that away from him. He’s exceptional in Hamilton and on the stage but that’s a completely different skill set. There is a way you have to perform, to project, on stage that doesn’t translate to film and Manuel is still trying to get a handle on that. He’s not terrible in this role, mind you, but he’s just serviceable. However, the chemistry he has with Keen is something special. You can tell they get along strongly and that genuine interactions shines through in their performances together.

The rest of the cast is just as strong, specifically Kit Connor and Joe Tandberg as Pantalaimon and Lorek Brynison, respectively. Ariyon Bakare, Clarke Peters, Anne-Marie Duff, Lucian Msmati, Amir Wilson, Ruta Gedmintas, Will Keen, and Lewin Lloyd all turn in incredibly strong performances, for what they were given. A lot of these characters deserved a bit more screen time, a bit more fleshing out, but i am okay with what we did receive. This ain’t their story, it’s Lyra’s.

I just need to take some time and praise this show for how properly gorgeous it is. I mean, the level of production on this thing is rather profound, you knew that in the opening scene during the flood, but moreso as the world begins to expand. I know a lot of this stuff is filmed on sets and what not but, my goodness, are they elaborate and detailed. That whole arctic run was brilliant. It’s particularly intriguing when you understand how well the CG effects were used in regards to budget. The whole “show don’t tell’ adage definitely comes into effect for this serial and it’s all the better for it.

I am absolutely in love with the narrative, man. Never mind the actual plot in the books, the adaption presented is one of the best I've seen in a long a while. My goodness, the world being built is so enthralling, so captivating, i hate that i slept on this show, this series, for so long. I understand that this is one interpretation of the novel events but I'm still infatuated with every second of it.

The writing in this show is on point, for sure. It feels organic, it feels real. I know this is a series of books, decades old, but that goes a long way to proving the pedigree of this adaption. This doesn’t feel out of place or trite or try hard. It works beautifully, except for when Manuel is delivering dialogue outside of his scenes with Keen, and that is a real joy to watch.

There is a distinct focus on diversity displayed throughout this show so far and i love it. This is a reflection of the world in real time and more, big budget, shows need to show this reality. The difference between this and, say, Disney Star Wars or current Doctor Who, is the fact none of the representation in Materials feels forced. It feels organic, intrinsic to a story about entire worlds. You need this level of diversity for this story to be taken even remotely seriously in the modern day and i commend the production for handling this so well.

The Okay

I’ve never read the books so i can only judge this thing on what i glean from the wiki and what i see in the show. While i am completely smitten with what has been resented, the show feels like an abridged version of what we get in the books. I know for all adaptions that’s true but this feels like a legit highlight real of the greatest hits. I can’t say for sure but the adapted screenplay feels like it’s trying to load up on plot as much as possible, in as short a time as possible. Makes for an interesting view but, as a cat who understands storytelling, it feels like a patchwork of content.

This thing has some pretty brisk pacing. Again, i don’t know from where this first series is adapted but it definitely feels like they were in kind of a hurry to get. I mean, it really doesn’t but once sh*t gets started, it never looks back at all. It feels like that, at certain times, we should have definitely sent more time on an interaction or with a relationship. Lyra’s time in the Magisterial and Bolivar, particularly, seems rushed to me.

It’s uncomfortable how many times they make Dafne get naked. Obviously, they don’t show anything and it’s all inferred but, like, gross.

The Verdict

I loved this show, man. Absolutely adored every second of it. The BBC, when it really wants to, can produce some brilliant film. Luther, Sherlock, War of the Worlds, are all favorites and now His Dark Materials can be confidently added to that list. This show is gorgeous to watch, the production values on full display. Sweeping cinematic vistas both real and composite, permeate this rather cleverly effect heavy adaption. The performances, alone are enough to keep you coming back for more but this is, genuinely, one of the most gorgeous shows I've ever seen. Speaking of performances, everyone is excellent but the anchor is definitely Dafne Keen. Her Lyra Silvertongue is the linchpin of this entire show and she bares that weight brilliantly. I forget sometimes that she’s only fifteen, especially considering the talent she with whom she shares the screen. Ruth Wilson, James McAvoy, and Lin-Manuel Miranda all have capitol roles in this first season and they relish their time on camera, especially Wilson. I’ve been a fan of hers since that brilliant run on Luther as Alice Morgan so seeing her, here, has been giving me the best type of deja vu. His Dark Materials is f*cking outstanding, man. I can gush about this thing ad nauseam but this essay would definitely turn into a novel and no one wants that. If you have HBOMax, definitely give this a go. It’s one of the best shows out, has a full eight hours to binge in season one, and another four, so far, in season two. Sh*t is dope and i highly recommend a proper watch.

[marshmallowprotection]

Inspired by the character Margarita Blankenheim from Evillious Chronicles (Link to Margarita’s Evillious Chronicles wiki page: https://theevilliouschronicles.fandom.com/wiki/Margarita_Blankenheim ) and the song “Gift From the Princess Who Brought Sleep” (Link to the fanmade PV & cover by Mariogagabriel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo8IHawkHpI ), all by Mothy.

Trigger warnings for self-harm mentions, suicide mentions, and a bat shit crazy psychopathic girl who is the topic of this character description. 

Well, I’ve made way more disgusting & hateable characters for my world...I mean, I made a character whose disgusting fetish list is long and as said, disgusting and disturbing. Ah, the smell of my world and its blurry border between NSFW and SFW…

(I think the only reason it's not NSFW is cus there are no explicit scenes of you know what ._.)

“If you truly love me, you wouldn’t have hurt me back then. I’m just returning the favor, you know! Every Black Rose has thorns...but mine are simply sharper, Mama, Papa. Now, 

TO HELL WITH YOU SCUM!”

-Laila, 1691 T.C. At Age 15

Name: Laila Kerrin Rouziame (Pronounced Lie-la Care-in Ro-zee-ah-meh in case anyone has trouble pronouncing it)

Name Meaning: Laila is an Arabic name meaning “Night Beauty”. Kerrin is an Irish name meaning “Black”. I derived her last name from “Rouzia”, an English name which is a variation of the name “Rose”. All together her name literally means “Night Beauty Black Rose”. 

Aliases (If Any): Black Rose (Code Name/Serial Killer Name)

Age: 19 (On Death)

Date of Birth/Birthday: Day 14 of Xomura’s Star, 1676 T.C. (Equivalent of February 14th)

Zodiac: Aquarius

Status: Deceased (Died 1695 T.C.)

Species: Elf

Magic: Unknown (Used A Variety of Different Spells, The Magic She Inherited/Specialized In Is Unknown)

Height: 5’4 Feet (162 Centimeters)

Ethnicity: Vesperian

Relatives: Duke Rouziame (Father)✝

Duchess Rouziame (Mother)✝

Rowen von Hallow (Husband)✝

Veila Miranda Rouziame (Daughter)✝

Various Descendants

Birth Place: Merdanburg, Rouziame Territory, Vesper Empire

Nationality/Current Residence: Merdanburg, Rouziame Territory, Vesper Empire

Religion (Which Goddess Do They Worship?): Kaya (Claims)

None

Occupation: Duchess of House Rouziame

The Infamous Serial Killer “Black Rose”

Founder of The Criminal Organization “Midnight Rosaria”

Affiliations: Midnight Rosaria

House Rouziame

Vesper Empire

  Personality: Self-Destructive, Just Plain Old Crazy, Psychopathic, Masochistic, Sadistic, Comes Off As “Sweet” And “Kind”, But Eerily “Sweet” and “Kind”, Like You Can Just Feel Something Is Off, But She’s A Master Manipulator, So You Wouldn’t Realize Till She Stabs You Senseless

Marital Status: Married (Formerly)

Widow [By Choice]

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Likes: Roses, Pain (No Seriously, I Put Her As Masochist In Her Personality Thing For A Reason), Flowers

Dislikes: People Pitying Her, People Treating Her As if She Were A Sweet Innocent Thing To Be Protected From The Cruel World, The Abuse Her Parents Did To Her, The Scent of Smoke, Smoke In General

Role: Background Character

Potential Post-Ever Changing Fate 1 Side Story Main Character (Undecided Though)

  Debut: Undecided

Random Facts:

Laila is a genuine actual psychopath. She’s not meant to be a character you can justify at all or chalk up her trauma to be the source of her evil or that she could have been good in an alternate timeline if she did not go through her trauma. She was, really, seriously, born with a lack of empathy for people and violent tendencies. However, her parents’ abuse towards her is what pushed her over the edge. But she would likely have still gone down the route she goes down in her canon, becoming a murderer, as she is likely a character who displays the worst symptoms and tendencies of someone who is a psychopath. 

Also before anyone claims she’s a sociopath- she is not, because she was like this from birth. Sociopaths are made- psychopaths are born. Big difference.

She was not born a masochist, however, she slowly morphed into one as the years went on and she searched for relief from the pain her parents caused her, and in a sick way the pain she caused to herself seemed to feel euphoric, and she’s not sure why. It may be due to her suicidal tendencies and contemplation of suicide, or maybe something else.

Laila is not meant to be an accurate representation of most mentally ill people- she’s one of the most extreme cases. And she’s also an actual psychopath, who are unable to be helped at all because their lack of empathy is not like depression or something where they can recover- it’s something physically wrong with her brain; for lack of a better word, she’s broken. And there’s nothing anyone could do to help her. Unfortunately, before anyone realized she was a severe, genuine danger to everyone around her and herself, she had already killed many people and eventually herself.

Laila also has severe depression (which is the main cause of her suicidal tendencies later on and masochistic tendencies) and severe PTSD towards the scent of smoke due to her father’s smoking habits. That’s also why she didn’t just burn all of Merdanburg like many people in Midnight Rosaria wanted her to- her fear of the smoke scent and just smoke, in general, made her unable.

Her exact kill count is 400. 399 if you disinclude herself.

Her masochistic tendencies are not sexual in nature before anyone asks.

Backstory: Laila Kerrin Rouziame was born the only child of Duke and Duchess Rouziame in the capital of Rouziame Territory (A Territory In My World Is A Province, Sort Of), Merdanburg on Day 14 of Xomura’s Star, 1676 T.C. Since birth, Laila had been harshly disciplined by her parents and taught what she should and should not do, in order to morph her into the perfect heiress, it didn’t help that the Vesper Empire was collapsing at the seams and that House Vesper, the ruling house of the empire, had disintegrated due to its main branch ending up at a dead-end when the last empress, Elisabet, died without an heir back in 1566 (110 years ago), and the nobility were all scrambling to become the new ruling house, and as one of the most powerful noble houses, Laila’s parents wanted to be the ones to become the new emperor and empress. And so, Laila was trained in how to be the best leader she could be, and harsh punishment in the form of physical and verbal abuse was executed to her if she did not comply, which she did a lot. Laila had...many violent tendencies, she often for example stabbed her stuffed animals with pencils or pens, or tearing them apart by hand, and sometimes even harming herself. All of this caused her only to be punished more, and many people started to refer to her as a demon child due to her tendencies of violence, and she even once attempted to stab the third son of the current Marquis Mariah at the time. Her lack of conscience and sense of right and wrong made everyone fear that maybe Laila was “possessed” or “cursed”. As Laila grew her tendencies only heightened, but, she learned an important skill from her older cousin, Lettisa (she was also a fellow psychopath), when she was 10- deception.

Laila learned how to pretend to be normal.

And so the random bursts of violence stopped. She put on a mask of perfectness- making herself out to be kind and benevolent when in reality she felt nothing but sick happiness at the thought of the pain she could cause. In private she harmed herself yet again but did so in places where she could easily hide the scars and wounds. 

When Laila was 13 the abuse from her parents continued to worsen, and her cousin Lettisa started talking to her about the idea of killing them, confessing that she herself killed her parents because they abused her too. Laila for the next 2 years would seriously consider it because she was tired of the abuse, in her words "They don't accept me for who I am, wanting me to pretend to be someone I am not. If they were gone...maybe...I could be free."

Laila would go through with her meticulously planned for two whole years murder plot against her parents when she was 15, murdering them in an excruciating, painful way which shall not be said because it's way too gory and disturbing.

After that Laila inherited everything from her parents, the estate, the title, the money, everything. Her cousin, Lettisa, chose to move out of her aunt's house to come live with Laila. And there began their creation of an organization, a criminal one, which they planned to name: "Midnight Rosaria".

Laila would be the face of the organization, and Lettisa handled many nitty-gritty details.

Laila's mental health continued to decline in terms of her sanity, and she began desiring to feel the euphoria which bringing pain to others had always brought her. And so, she became a serial killer, not targeting anyone in particular besides people who were friends of her parents, who were rewarded for their bystanding status of just watching Laila get abused by her parents with a painful death.

With the creation of Midnight Rosaria, killings across all of Merdanburg heightened along with the crime rate, Lettisa going around and recruiting people to the organization. Everyone was there for different reasons and different goals, but they all benefited from one thing: the fact that they would help each other. Everyone in the organization usually behind only one member's murder plot or crime. It was very meticulously planned, everything was perfected to the highest degree of perfection. And let me tell you, Laila was not dumb- in fact, she was a genius of her time, likely one of the most brilliant criminals ever. She was just... absolutely insane. 

Before Laila even turned 18, she was approached by a suitor named Rowen von Hallow, who claimed to have fallen in love with her and wanted to marry her. She originally rejected him, but Lettisa said that marrying him would greatly increase her power due to him being descended from Alia Hallow, who was a famous hero. So, Laila agreed to marry him. She gave birth to a daughter a year later.

For the next 4 years of her life (counting from when she was 15), Laila murdered over 300 people, using various magic spells and masking her true nature to enact her plots. With all of Midnight Rosaria helping her, at that point, there was nothing anyone could do to stop her, not when she had so much power and influence as Duchess Rouziame and the leader of Midnight Rosaria.

Merdanburg became a ghost town.

Laila's mental health had become extremely unstable. She even murdered her husband during a violent fit and didn't even care afterward.

And so Laila believed the last thing to do was to kill herself.

Everyone urged her not to, including Lettisa, but Laila stated that it was for the best, considering that was what she had wanted her entire life- the ultimate pain- the sweet release of death.

And so she did.

Laila has gone down in history as one of the most brilliant minds to have ever lived, as she did excel in school, but used her brilliance for the wrong reasons. She became known as the "Black Rose" due to her leaving a black rose wherever she made the worst wound on her victims. She's become infamous in history and due to being the creator of Midnight Rosaria along with Lettisa, she influenced the future of crime for centuries.

Lettisa ended up being the new guardian of Laila's daughter Veila, and unfortunately, Veila inherited her mother's psychopathy, becoming an infamous murderer as well. 

This is my first time writing a character who was born just purely crazy, did I mess up anything? Idk myself if I did a good job or what. ;-;

She's likely going to be improved in the future as I find out more about psychopathy, but this is her for now. :/ 

— Submision

Well, I do think it’s important not to call people “crazy”. Doing things of that nature can harm anyone with mental illness. Mental illness are not excuses for your actions. There’s definitely people in this world that are cruel but they are simply cruel for their own reasons, they weren’t being forced into doing anything, they choose to do what they do. Framing certain illness in a bad light makes for a bad stigma for people who experience pyschosis, hallucinations, and more. It isn’t “scary” to be “different.” 

But, it is a shame that people hurt others for things out of their control, like what they struggle with mentally or physically. Genetics can put you at risk for certain things, like anxiety, but that doesn’t mean that would make you your parent, or what they struggled with. Now, you could be disillusioned with reality and she could possibly have been taught things as a child that helped shape her view of others, and that’s how the daughter lashes out at others, but I wouldn’t say that she “got it from her mother” as in, mental illness. 

It’s just important to be careful about how you write characters like that because there is so much bad media out there that does more harm then good. Even if she’s one of the extreme cases that is an outlier, it’s important to be wary of what it can do to other people. 

I do find the concept rather interesting, though. It has potential if you continue to work on it and remedy things that may hurt others. 

[constablegoo]

@astralglam​​​​ filed a report .

mint: does your muse view themself as virtuous & moral? what do these words mean to them?

OHOHO. hey hi ily. this is, of course, one of odo’s deepest ongoing battles, and the moment he stops questioning it is the moment he becomes a founder.

the founders grant themselves god status.  GOD!  status. they just reach out and pluck it. Within their range of power, the founders become unquestionably Just and Virtuous and Moral, their Word becomes Law, it becomes “the way things are” and “fact” and they create their own reality stemming from thousands of years of intense xenophobia. they’re above it all. gods don’t make mistakes, right? sure, maybe changelings were hunted and feared ages ago but they still fear it, and that drive for Order and Control over the galaxy is now encoded into their genes and they place a companion structure into the genes of every other species they control, subjugating them to the founders’ own cozy position as Gods, or-- ‘gods’. the founder (i rly don’t like saying “female” founder so she’s THE Founder. she speaks for the link.) makes it quite clear on many occasions that the founders are not here to negotiate. they fully intend to control EVERYTHING at any cost. it is absolutely  chilling  when she cuts garak down with: “they’re dead. you’re dead. cardassia is dead.” and draws the line between the dominion and everyone else miles deep into the sand.

that same genetic coding is one of the first semi-concrete things odo comes to understand about himself and, horribly, he’s landed into conditions under the occupation that very easily could have taken advantage of a less meticulous or stubborn changeling. no, odo says initially (and incorrectly), i am not bajoran** and i am not cardassian and i stand apart from either side of this conflict and so i am bound to PURE Virtue and Morality because of it. he can’t be bribed or bought or won over, and he won’t allow for anything less than a kind of incorruptibility. this effectively wins him allies (and enemies) on both sides, however -- that’s just not how the universe works. the truth of it is that no matter how much he tells himself he is not a part of their regime, his working with the cardassians makes him a collaborator in that he has then recognized their authority and ultimately upheld their legitimacy, even if he never agreed with the cause, even if he was also on some level a casualty of it. at some point when he moves past ‘contract’ investigation and begins to work permanently, he falls into the trap of thinking Order is the same thing as Justice... huge yikes. in that moment he becomes a true and apathetic villain, but he’s subsequently haunted by the resulting execution of innocents. it shakes something up in him. years pass and he still wonders, what other mistakes has he made? what other less direct consequences of his ‘neutral’ arbitration exist? he (and everyone around him) has to live without really knowing, and it’s a constant reminder to him of the power he holds and it informs his understanding of what Real (and imperfect) Justice Means.

**sidenote but later in s7 he introduces himself as ‘from bajor’ and AAAAAA. its good. very good. yeah, you’re bajoran, odo. he gets it now.

Mirror odo is really the ultimate example of an odo having taken those instincts to extremes in an environment that rewarded him for them -- there is no guilt there, and even a sadistic kind of pleasure in it. i’d argue that gaia!odo is another, less extreme example of an odo who’s been alone too long and lost sight of things when he single-mindedly (and against kira’s wishes) chooses her (one person) over 8000. like holy shit? NOT ok? uhhuhhhhfff. anyway. very fortunately, neither of these are OUR odo, but act as great foils to reflect on the worst (bastard cop) qualities or potential qualities of our goo pushed to highly visible extremes, which star trek just loves to do all the time.

but regular/prime odo isnt exactly a rule-follower, either. throughout his life, he frequently takes things into his own hands, uses his abilities to his advantage, spies, wiretaps, eavesdrops, and yes, harasses [quark] sometimes -- he develops his own set of values and personal rules and follows them; even starfleet comes in wary of him and how he operates and hes on thin ice. but because of possibly his most redeeming quality, odo is able to adapt those self-ordained values toward something increasingly honest: for how rigid he can be in personality, he is HIGHLY influenced by the world around him,  listens hard  to what his friends and allies have to say and adapts that feedback; this allows him to evolve and grow and take important matters to heart. he becomes more flexible and better able to hold onto what’s really most important after locking into a decision, because above all else, he is passionately committed to doing the Right Thing. he PLEADS with himself in things past, “your job is to find the truth, not obtain convictions.” by his tendency to push back against what is laid down as ‘law’ (something he becomes more and more aware of and effective at doing) as not always being good or right, or necessarily even creating Order (the thing he’s driven genetically to want), he prepares himself to challenge the most deadly voice of authority -- that of his own people.

so... yes and no. odo’s role and persona as ‘your average security chief’ might dictate that he be virtuous and moral, but he so obviously can’t fit the same exact mold as others in his position -- he has these insane abilities and this mind-consuming nature and it requires he tread with extra care, but he also has a potential for more adaptive, more nuanced morality. he has to build up his own definitions to the words, constantly examine and tease and test them, or else he risks straying too far from what he really wants to achieve -- harmony, honest justice. he has to accept that he’s a part of the system he operates in (not, in fact, alone or isolated! something he actually wants), and know that he is not exempt from making the wrong choice, just like anybody else.

carnation: what is your muse’s relationship with their gender? how do they express or not express this relationship?

ODO AND GENDER!!! i love odo and gender. let’s take this one step at a time. he starts out as an amorphous glob -- he has no gender. there’s no basis for assignment, no culture of difference, and all the goos are goo. odo takes on the shape of the first living thing he sees / the thing he sees most frequently: dr mora. he adopts an image of masculinity from mora and he adopts the hair. that’s about it, and it’s pretty much arbitrary. (maybe the hair is simple enough for his skills, too?) the next people odo meets are also these very masculine, military, cardassian leaders, so again -- this is all he knows! this is neutrality. i imagine it takes him some time to work out what the differences in gender are, and sex, and orientation, romantic vs sexual stuff, all of that. it’s all got cultural baggage he knows nothing about and does not experience, and he’s also dealing with multiple, clashing cultures to boot. since he doesnt have any strong inherent leaning, he simply opts out. he/him becomes his default because thats where he started, thats what he’s been able to successfully present and how people know him, and, terrifyingly, under cardassian rule, it probably offered a bit of safety, too, which was obviously something he needed at the time.

way way way way way down the line in season seven, odo asks kira to (paraphrasing) look at me. what do you see? [i see you.] but this is NOT me, this is only a shape ive assumed in order to fit in. she says, yes, i know that. but this is who you have chosen to be. “a man. a good and honest man.” (i knowww shes not really talking abt gender here BUT) its hard as a trans person not to read the metaphor. he’s chosen to express SOMETHING. he’s chosen something other than what he was given (neutrality) and although he doesnt personally buy into what ‘masculinity’ “should be” (ie the ferengi, smh) / would certainly not argue he doesnt feel non-binary, this is how he has presented all his life, its how hes been treated, and it is what he has chosen to adhere to. there’s a choice in that, kira’s right, and now it reflects something about him.

parallel this, i’ll mention the “female” founder again bc of course there is no discernable reason for her to have a gender -- other than to appeal (im not talking sexually here although there’s,, obviously weird shit happening with the link... yike) to odo in the sense that until that point odo has lived with “gendered” individuals and, i think importantly, kira is with them when they first meet. i think its safe to say the founder saw her, figured she was a friend/ally to odo or at least familiar to him, and took her general representation to appeal as a friend/ally.

otherwise... why, honestly? the founder’s got NO love of humanoids lmao why would she bother.

anyway i’d like to see odo experiment a bit. because when hes safe, he can!! aside from his own doubts and insecurities about shapeshifting, at some point he really has no reason not to, at least a little bit. really, it should just be another thing to practice, much like becoming a convincing rock or a leaf, its just that there are other significances in the cultures around him. i’d just like to see him loosen up a little. have fun. grow ur hair out a bit, odo, why are u still looking like ur terrible dad.

[jeonggukieandcream]

Save Me and Hold Me Tight

Request: Kuroshitsuji AU where Ciel and Alois work their shit out but Claude is still dead, and Ciel and Sebastian kinda take Alois in and train him in tough love to be a more civilised person, and after a while he ends up being good friends with everyone - @flupetyflupflupp​

Word count: 2, 487.

They find him broken and bleeding underneath a large oak tree, its branches spindly; its leaves brown and dying. It was a sorrowful scene, but one in which change could be made for the better.

Ciel and Sebastian are here presented with a choice as they take in the grisly scene:

Leave Alois to die, or save him.

They have seconds to make a decision before Alois' heart gives out, the blood loss from the extent of his injuries too great, and the decision is made for them.

Blood spilled out from Alois' physical wounds; used though Ciel was to seeing violence, for often was he the one ordering for it to be carried out, Ciel gasped at the sight.

It was not the wounds which Alois had obtained which so disgusted Ciel, but the fact that this was a broken contract; a treacherous demon.

In that moment did Ciel know how truly lucky he was to have such a devoted demon, and a noise of shock and, dare he think it, pain ripped from Ciel's throat, though quickly did he attempt to disguise it as a cough.

“I know, Young Master.” Venomous rage dripped from Sebastian's every word, though his facial expression and body language was carefully schooled into one of indifference.

“We must help him, Sebastian.”

“Young Master?”

“That's an order, do you hear me? We will take him in. Heal him. Show him a different way. He's not so separated from me, after all.” Ciel's voice shook with barely suppressed anger and sadness, for himself and for Alois, but he swallowed the bitter taste down and used it for power, motivation.

“Young Master, he may be too far gone. So impressionable an age, so unseemly a demon...”

“We have to try.” Resignation. Determination. Sorrow. Rage.

Red eyes flashed fuchsia. “Yes, my lord.”

With as much tenderness as he usually displayed towards Ciel did Sebastian cradle Alois' abused, broken and battered body in his arms. He didn't hug Alois to his chest, though. That is a privilege only for his Young Master.

Soma and Agni were Sebastian's first thought; Alois would need constant supervision and a gentler touch while he was physically healing.

Upon hearing the very basics of what had happened to this boy – on a strictly need to know basis, of course -  one who had so many similarities to Ciel that he was a literal parallel, the two men agreed.

Soma would be the more eager of the two, wanting to make friends with Alois and spend more time with Ciel, whereas Agni would be mentally preparing himself, for he would know that a rough time was ahead for all of them; but most especially for this young boy.

Upon hearing even the smallest of details about the entire situation, everyone, even the household staff, wouldn't be able to stop themselves from comparing Ciel to Alois, and this makes everyone determined to help Alois as best as they can.

There is nothing happy about this.

The solemn air which was in the Phantomhive Manor seemed to grow exponentially as the reality of the matter settled into the fine layer of dust which covered the lesser used rooms.

People's attentions were directed elsewhere; particularly the kitchen staff, whom were kept far away from Alois' chambers – they would be easy targets and the last thing Sebastian wanted to tend to was more wounds.

His Young Master had enough of those, thank you very much.

For the first week or so, Sebastian keeps Alois well sedated.

It's for his own good; he's so injured that the slightest movement could rip open his stitches.

No Doctor from the nearest town is called, despite Agni's vehement and frequent advice.

Sebastian is quite proficient, and so he undertakes the task himself. He is, after all, simply one hell of a butler.

His wounds are so severe that it takes Alois weeks to heal to such a point that Sebastian feels that it is safe to keep Alois awake; this is where tenderness is replaced by tough love and everyone feels its effect within an hour of the teenager first waking up.

Firstly, Alois has two fears: the dark and being left alone.

These two fears are discovered at precisely the same time as a weary Agni bids Alois a good night and tries to remove the candelabra from the bedside table on his way out of the door.

Alois jumped upright, almost tearing his stitches and setting fire to his bed, as the candelabra wobbled when his hand closed around Agni's slender wrist.

“No! Don't leave me! You – you can't!”

“Oh, heavens,” Agni would go into full on Mother Hen mode as he put the candelabra back on the bedside table and sits gingerly on the edge of the bed. “Why ever not?”

“I'm scared.” A quiet, ashamed mumble.

A resigned sigh from the doorway. “I'll stay with him. Can't have him waking the household. You may leave, Agni.”

Ciel starts to camp out in Alois' room from that first night of consciousness onwards and within a week, Sebastian moved Ciel's bed and immediate possessions into Alois' room.

The two bicker and physically fight like no one's business, but Agni and Sebastian do a very good job at not only separating the two when it's required, but also dispelling any tensions before they really begin.

At night time, the fighting stops as the two teenagers fall back on mutual understanding; they're not so different.

Once, Sebastian and Agni walked in on Alois throwing Ciel off the balcony, and then jumping down after Ciel, pummelling him with punches after punches.

Somehow did Ciel manage to roll their lithe bodies so that he was on top of Alois, and they traded punches.

Hearing the scuffles from the next room over did Agni and Sebastian rush into the foyer, barely exchanging a glance with each other before they rushed over to separate the two teenagers; naturally, Sebastian scooped Ciel up and cradled him protectively to his chest, and Agni grabbed Alois by his upper arms and pulled him away from the scene.

“I say! What an unseemly display!”

Ciel huffed. “It was nothing. A misunderstanding.”

Sebastian's concerned, “are you quite well, Young Master?” was drowned out by Alois' indignant cry of, “you're all just like him! My Claude... My heart was trapped in his deceptive spider's web but I only desired him...”

Rage turned to sorrow, and the pain in his voice rippled uncomfortably throughout the room.

A click resounded in Sebastian and Agni's minds as they both realised that now could the true healing process commence.

Ciel shivered, clung to Sebastian's frame. Sebastian gripped him tightly – hold on to me – and the demon shot Agni A Look; this meant that each butler would take their charges and physically separate them for the duration of the day.

Agni, having to take care of Soma and Alois, left the two young teenagers while he cooked a curry for dinner – Soma, eager to get to know Alois, tried desperately to crack through Alois' facade, to break through the anger and reach the corrupted core of the sadistic but deeply hurting boy.

Something occurred throughout the day for both teenagers, for come night time, did Ciel end up climbing into Alois' bed after an hour of listening to Alois tossing and turning.

“Move over.” Ciel huffed, and though Alois initially stiffened up and refused to move, Ciel only moved to the other side of the bed and clambered in, taking Alois' agreement in his total apathy – Ciel knew that Alois didn't really want to say no, it was self preservation which made him rude and cold, and so in Alois' silence was consent.

Come morning, when Sebastian rapped upon the door with the second knuckle of his gloved index finger, Agni hovering behind him – both were braced for war, even at this early hour when the sun still hadn't quite risen above the horizon – they found the two teenagers in bed together, facing one another.

Alois' blonde hair spilled over the pillow like a halo, Ciel's raven locks mingled and joined with the blonde, so closely were they laying together, and it was like a physical representation of Yin and Yang.

To Agni, anyway.

To Sebastian, it looked like a devil (raven locks) and an angel (blonde hair); he found irony in this, for though his Young Master's hair was dark, he was decidedly more angelic than the boy with the blonde hair.

He was probably biased, though.

Another breakthrough was made this day, for any time after that, if one of them had a nightmare, then the other would climb into their bed.

They didn't hug, they didn't do anything more than simply share a bed, and sometimes would sentences fall from their lips, hushed confessions spoken into the darkness which enveloped them, and it was almost like therapy on their weary souls.

Sometimes, Sebastian would come in too; shadows writhing on the walls, between pieces of furniture, and he would stand just inside the doorway; carmine eyes flashing fuchsia as he listens to the two teenagers talking.

Both of them knew that the demon was there, as silently had Sebastian and Ciel taken Alois under their firm guidance.

It was hard. Sometimes, Sebastian would answer their whispered confessions with logical statements to dispel their sorrows, many of which were shared.

Sometimes, he would dip his chin so that the shadows in the room enunciated his aristocratic cheekbones, a devilish smirk on his face as he just listened with his arms crossed behind his back.

Sometimes... oh, sometimes, the space where his heart should be would clench in awe and almost sadness at how much grief, pain, rage and sorrow which these two souls – both so young, so young, and yet so tired, bore on their shoulders.

Over the weeks and months, everyone in the Phantomhive Manor had to establish a new system of communications.

Alois was short tempered and rough of manners. He was demanding, callous, sadistic and he behaved atrociously.

Even by Soma's standards, Alois was just rude.

Often times, after Alois snapped or yelled at someone, Sebastian's spine would straighten as he drew himself up to his full height, displeasure flashing across his face before his expression schooled into its usual calm indifference.

“Would you like to try again with a different tone, young Trancy?”

“No.” A petulant whine. Crossed arms and a pout.

“Very well.” Sebastian would leave it at that, cold and uncaring, and Alois, so desperate for approval and affection, would immediately stammer out the same words in a gentler tone, or he would try to reword everything in a wholly different tone; it depended on what he had said and the context in which it was spoken.

One time, Mey-Rin served Alois eggs for breakfast and Alois flung the plate on the floor.

Or, he tried to.

Sebastian caught the plate, set it back on the table so that nothing was disturbed – he had been so fast that the plate hadn't even gone over the edge of the table before he had caught it – and in the same movement scooped Alois up unceremoniously and without all the usual reverence which he displayed towards his Young Master,

Alois was sent to his room for the rest of the day.

By three in the afternoon, Ciel had huffed, flung his pen down, and gone to his shared bedroom with the blonde teenager.

Hours passed and none knew of what transpired in that room.

But when it was dinner time and Alois shuffled out of the bedroom with Ciel eyeing him pointedly, Alois offered a quiet, timid yet genuine apology to Mey-Rin and everyone else.

He knew he was forgiven when, in a clipped British accent did Sebastian say, “That is acceptable. You may join us for dinner if the Young Master is agreeable.”

Ciel was.

Almost six months after Alois joined the Phantomhive Manor did he meet Lizzie, and he was cooed over, hugged, cuddled and even kissed once on the cheek!

She had heard beforehand what had happened to him – she knew as much as Soma and Agni did, which is to say, they knew enough to know that he needed help, even if they didn't exactly know why.

She would definitely be the one to help Alois the most, treating him with all the kindness that she naturally carried within her – kindnesses which Ciel often shunned.

I feel like Alois would end up telling Ciel to treat Lizzie with more kindness and Ciel would scoff and remind Alois of how he treats everyone.

They would both promise to just try to be nicer to everyone and to themselves.

At every meeting, Lizzie was her usual exuberant self, Ciel his usual apathetic self, Sebastian his usual attentive self. Soma and Agni were off in London doing who knew what, and the household staff were all attending to their never ending duties with explicitly stated instructions spoken twice so that they knew that Sebastian was being completely serious when he said to not get into any trouble.

So. Recovery was slow. It was painful for everyone, but most especially for Ciel and for Alois; two teenage boys who had been through such similar horrific things.

If Alois had been given a demon like Sebastian, then he would have found a place to call his own, a home.

But instead he had been very nearly killed by his demon, the one being who was supposed to keep him safe.

Nothing was easy in their lives and nothing ever would be easy, but they took it an hour at a time if they had to, and a day at a time when it seemed to be going well.

Alois' sadism would be mellowed out, Ciel's anger soothed with a like minded companion, and Sebastian would find himself not wholly wanting to complete the contract, for he found that he rather liked what he had with this contracted soul.

It was bittersweet that something that grew into beauty came from so much pain, but it's a cruel fact of life that the most deserving of souls are fated to suffer the harshest hands.

[trashyart-y]

Idk if this whole thing was already thought of, just thought to maybe throw it out there. If it was, do tell, I'd be interested to see how they did it and how pathetic my concept in comparison is. And then I suppose they're just gonna some oc of mine who's maybe gonna be recycled into somewhere else. :p

----

The human is a very delusional and mssed up person that got into cannibalisim by their own choice and tries to justify it all by making all the villagers into animals in her head, thus further making them think that it's okay to do what they do.

They get new villagers by kidnapping them, but in their messed up head it only looks like they're inviting them onto their "island" and being "kind" in doing so, when in reality they were knocked out, tied up and made prisoners in their basement.

In this situation, they try to coax them into being cannibals, too, over time. If it works, they join her "island" and they become "friends". Altho, reluctant at first at the very least. If they don't and make it semi-clear that they don't wanna become like her, she or her "friends" eat them.

From then on, they watch them intently, the "friend" unaware.

The whole process of bettering the island represents the hard work and sweat they put into bettering their position and status in this big rural village/small city (or wherever else, haven't figured it out yet) into looking like a sweet, caring and good-humored person (I'm not sure what gender to make them,,).

In reality, they're a sadistic, apathetic and selfish person who loves and makes sure to keep their "non-friends" alive 'til the very end, making the dying part as agonizing and slow for them.

The island simply represents their own "world" and all the people in it, "friends". Only villagers are real. Tom Nook, Dodo's, Blathers, Timmy & Tommy and other people that cannot be kicked out or invited are simply representations of different things.

I haven't yet figured out how they keep their true selves hidden from the rest of people that aren't in their "friend group", or how they keep their "friends" in check. Or what job they have, cuz it could further determine her skills, personality and popularity. Shit like that.

Maybe she brainwashes them over time, or her position gives her a lot more influence and power over the actual city/village/whatever :////

Oh oh! Or maybe it's a cult of sorts!!! :00000

That'd be cool! 🤔🤔

----

Man, idk why, but sometimes I just get this ball of inspiration about a subject/fandom of some sort.

I'm not even into animal crossing lol :^)

The only reason why this is even posted is cuz of that one @neytirix video touring her island. I just got so excited by her human and his whole semi-story that I just had to think of something, too. Do follow her on youtube, if cute and often horror-y stuff is your thing. :)💕💗💕💕

Bye bye! 😘

[lesslymelissa]

New Castlevania season surpassed the worst expectations and turned out to be so horrible, badly written and useless, that it makes you wonder how they even released this shit. First of all, it was a meaningless filler in a length of the whole season. The main plotline which they started since the first season didn’t move an inch. Then again, there was nothing to continue since Dracula has been killed. They could have adapted other Castlevania games about Alucard or Hector instead, but they chose to create a series original plot with Carmilla. And that was terrible decision, because without the game story Netflix writers could suggest only fanfiction tier development, and I mean fanfiction of the worst kind. There are absolutely nonsensical and disgusting pairings out of nowhere, that were made only for the sake of smut. They were tormenting characters, because that’s what many sadistic bitches like. And there was literally zero progression of the actual plot, since the writers obviously can’t make up anything interesting or original themselves. That was an awful pandering to brainless fangirls who only like smut fanfiction and don’t give a shit about personalities of characters or story. It’s very noticeable that the main screen-writer made comics before. He filled this season with typical and retarded cliches that teenagers consider to be ‘cool’, but they are pure cringe in reality. Needless nudity with random filler characters, accentuation on gore and constant dirty (and modern) cursing even from supposed to be nobles. All these things are just edgy banalities which can impress only kids and retarded adults who think that violence and sex make story ‘deep’ and serious. But they don’t. It’s a cheap way to catch attention for the lowest common denominator.

The most prominent example of useless filler shit was Isaac's storyline. Isaac is a token character for sjw to begin with. He is black and muslie (thanks for the reason to dislike this shitty character even more). It was absolutely needless information about his religion which they added only in the adaptation, because it’s trendy among sjw to defend muslies. Obviously there was nothing of sorts in the game and it added nothing to the plot. Like a token black character he was saved from everything first by Dracula himself, and in this season he turned into disgusting mary sue. He is absolutely evil - he literally wanted the destruction of all mankind and is a practicing satanist. How does it combine with him being a muslie and isn’t it offensive in itself I wonder? It seems the authors are braindead. A black muslie satanist, who is also presented as some kind of hero despite killing almost every passerby whom he doesn’t like. Is it a parody or something? But they were totally serious with this shit. Why the fuck does Isaac get away from everything even though he is turning people into hell monsters left and right only because they are ‘rude’ to him. He was acting like a touchy hysterical bitch. This scumbag already deserved to be killed, instead they are implying he could become some sort of a new messiah. What a load of bullshit. He had absolutely meaningless plotline with several long talks about nothing and fighting some random magician in the last moment only to get to a new magic mirror. Isaac is the most cringeworthy and disgusting character that an sjw screenwriter could possibly come up with. All about him is idiotic and pointless. It seems dumb writers went crazy from their Isaac wankfest.

Other characters didn’t get any important development too. Belmont and Sypha spent the whole season in random village which also added nothing to their story or the main plot, which is supposed to be a confrontation against Carmilla now. They just killed another completely generic hell monster in the end which was hiding in the church and that’s it. They were literally walking in circles around that church for several episodes doing nothing more. Very impressive progression and writing /sarcasm. That monster was only one of Dracula’s remaining servants, just realize how much the whole scale of the story degraded when the writers didn’t have game plot to rely on anymore. Reminds me of the Game of Thrones horrible ending after the writers run out of the books material. Belmont was completely overshadowed by Sypha, who became a pushy ooc mary sue in this season. Ridiculous considering that he is actually the main character.

But what I think was the most disgusting and nauseating are those horrible pairings the writers created for their revolting smut scenes. Of course all of it is completely made up filler, nothing like this was in the games. It was quite literally a writing on the level of horny teenage fangirls. The writers seem to think that if they are sadistic pieces of shit who like to torture characters that means everyone would enjoy it too. But most viewers are not sadists and always want a good resolve for their favorite characters. So, instead of giving Hector some kind of salvation and rescuing him from the captivity, which everyone wanted after the last season, those scum of a writers continued to make him suffer. They even turned it into some fetish it seems, alluding on making him ‘pet’ of new slut Lenore. That’s some shit straight out of garbage ‘kinky’ fanfiction. I can’t believe they actually showed this trash on screen. Hector is a main character of his own Castlevania game by the way. But here they constantly humiliate him and made him into a slave again, also forcing him into absolutely meaningless dirty pairing made only to show nudity. I don’t know who could like this shit except for brainless wankers and bitches who don’t care about characters themselves.

Another terrible bed scene involved Alucard with a pair of Japanese literally who characters. Again, random filler nobodies created only for a dirty scene with one of the main characters - that’s a textual definition of smut fanfiction writing. And they are showing it in a series, how much lower could they get? Needless to say, Alucard didn’t have any reason to suddenly get into bed with two suspicious strangers. All ‘development’ of their relationship consisted of them becoming his students. To which he also agreed unnaturally fast without a second thought. Why would he sleep with his students who he barely even knew? Just because he felt lonely? That motivation may seem alright only to retarded teenage fangirls and the writers on their level of intellect. Besides, Alucard isn’t even a full-fledged adult. He mentioned in the first season that his body matured very fast while he still was a child mentally. So they showed a sex scene with a child in a body of adult. That’s another level of low trash, it isn’t just morally wrong, it’s practically criminal. And why would Alucard even want something like this when he isn’t mature enough? He needed friends, not an orgy with some strangers. Absolutely horrible and revolting what they did with him, it’s also a disgusting OOC and complete lack of consistency and understanding of his personality. And of course it ended in the most stupid and edgy way possible, turning straight from obscenity into some retarded drama. What was their reason again for wanting to kill Alucard? Because he didn’t tell them how to move a castle? Why did they even need to move it? Also even if they wanted to make a trap for him, they could have locked those magical bracelets on his hands when they were lying on a grass together, for example. That disgusting scene was absolutely unnecessary. Filthy whores from Netflix writers team are making people feel disgust towards Japanese people after this nasty season.

Besides repulsive and smutty het pairings the authors also didn’t do any good with the only lesbian pairing they had. They could have left it to the viewers imagination whom they prefer to ship among the vampire girls. But instead they pushed for hypocritical tolerance again and forced their token white/black ship with Striga and Morana. Striga certainly has some lesbian vibes about her. But she could have make up a nice couple with Lenore. It would have influenced the whole plot positively, because then there wouldn’t be any disgusting humiliation for Hector. A pair with a strong warrior girl and a gentle cunning girl would have been very interesting and cute. They could even schemed against Carmilla together, they are smarter than her anyway. But instead we got another aggressive propaganda of tolerance with b/w pairing. Morana wasn’t interesting or nice, her only purpose was be a forced representation of the person of color in the group. Apparently even LGBT pairings can’t be free from this racial agenda.

Smut in this season was so obviously shown intertwined with boring and unimaginative battle to make a ‘cool’ edgy episode with violence and sex. Literally the level of what underage morons would consider impressive and exiting. That’s the most trashy, cheap and tasteless series I’ve seen. The writers deserve a slow and gory death on the stakes.

[skylights422]

@ace-and-aro-wlw-positivity created a Q&A for aspec authors/writers, and as an aspec author, I am excited to participate and answer as many of their questions as I can. Under a cut since it became really outrageously long.

1. What was your inspiration for your character(s)? Are they modeled on yourself, a person that you know, or a character that’s already been established?

Typically I’d say my characters are a mix of general inspiration from other stories/characters and then bits and pieces taken from myself. I try not to make any of them like a clone of myself or another character, try to mix it up, possibly with mixed success but that is the goal.

2. How much, if any, has your character(s) changed since they were first created? What caused this change?

Oh wow, okay I have characters I still use from grade school and middle school, and those characters have changed/grown a lot. Most notoriously (to me) though are my two fellas Euphranor and Kadri. I created them while daydreaming in middle school while watching those science videos in class about how I could make a more parody-like version of said videos, Kadri being the energetic and comically sadistic teacher and Euphranor being the constantly irritated and foul-tempered student. The core of their designs and personalities haven’t totally changed (Euph is still a hot-head and Kadri still likes to troll him), but they’ve become far more nuanced as characters as their story become more involved and serious. They’ve also become softer characters, with Euph having a Heart of Gold and Kadri being a bit morally grey but generally compassionate and friendly. I think the cause of this change and others comes from a mix of things, for one I simply got older and what I wanted out my characters changed a bit. But also I think it’s because I spent so much time with those characters in my head that I couldn’t help but develop them more fully, which in turn made me want to give them a good story. Also, everyone is definitely more queer now then how they started, largely because I became more aware and comfortable with my own queer identity and spent more time in queer spaces (though with Euph I actually just realized he had to be gay because I every het relationship I envisioned for him fell totally flat and yet imagining him as having crushes on guys just seemed to work better/make more sense, and that was an earlier decision).

4. Do you intend on publishing your story one day? Why, or why not?

I definitely do! I have many, many stories I want to publish, as books or comics or tv shows or films. I’ve always wanted to publish some of writing since it’s one of my main passions and have always taken inspiration from the stories I consumed. I just love writing and would want to be able to do it as my main career, the key will just be figuring out how to focus on one project long enough to finish it. xD

5. Surprise fact! Give a random fact about your character(s), whether it’s their favorite color, food, or even song!

Euphranor loves to sing! He hums to calm himself down and even full on sings to vent his feelings sometimes. Kadri loves literature and video games, and blackberry pie is his favorite food.

6. Admit it, you have a folder on your computer of the various types of picrews you’ve created for your character(s). Would you mind posting a few (or five)?

*VIBRATES* MY TIME HAS COME. I absolutely have way too many picrews of my fellas so I won’t post them all, just two each for the core four of my main novel project. First, Euphranor:

(yes he is a Hufflepuff)

Kadri:

(also since I dragged the Hogwarts houses into this Kadri is Ravenclaw)

Ena:

(I put her in Gryffindor)

And finally, Fiera:

(Right now I have her in Slytherin. She could also be in Ravenclaw though)

7. Time to get serious for a bit. There’s been heavy debate on having non-human characters identify as ace, aro, non-binary, etc., but never actual humans. As someone who’s aspec, how would you explain to someone who’s allo why this can be and is seen as hurtful?

I mean, as a sci-fi fan I definitely love if the non-human characters are queer coded, but it’s definitely important to include human representation as well, and I think there are a few simple reasons for that. One is that queer people are, in fact, humans, and therefore our stories deserve to be told as they are in reality as well as how they could be in fiction. The other is only writing us as inhuman implies you consider our identities as fictitious or too strange for a human to have, and queer people already have to deal with other forms of erasure and invalidation in real life. (Also, not everyone is a fan of sci-fi/fantasy, and they should still be able to read stories where they can see themselves)

8. It’s a sad reality that many stories in mainstream media don’t have characters that are aspec, not to mention without resorting to harmful stereotypes. Besides there being nothing wrong with IDing as aspec, why did you choose to have your character ID as such? What would you tell other authors who’re interested in writing characters that are aspec, but are afraid of offending the community?

I have a huge list of aspec characters, which definitely started happening more once I was aware of my own asexuality (and later, aromanticism), since I realized that I could make my own aro and ace characters and then just went wild with it lol. It’s also easier for me to write since I can actually draw from personal experience somewhat for it. Beyond representation having aro and ace characters also allows you to explore more facets of human emotions/the human experience, so that’s always fun.

As for how I would advise allies looking to write a-spec characters, my main advice would be to remember that we are an incredibly diverse group of people, and so while no one a-spec character will resonate with every a-spec reader, an a-spec character written in good faith will definitely speak to some of us. Write them as an character first, and when it comes to things like how their attraction does or doesn’t work and what they want out of relationships, figure out what works best for them. Really, if you’re concerned your character would be offensive in some way you can always make a post asking about it, many of us are happy to offer constructive advice and appreciate that someone is wanting to put in the effort to write about our experiences. Reading or listening to anecdotes from an array of a-spec people is also a good way of getting ideas of how to portray us, and there are various resources for that (the tags, AUREA collects anecdotes from arospec individuals, and probably more than I can think of offhand)

9. If you’re comfortable with sharing, what is your characters’ identity? Do they use any microlabels? Does theirs reflect your own?

Unsurprisingly I have many characters who are aroace (Fiera is one of them), and Ena is bisexual and gray-aromantic. Kadri was originally supposed to just be bi/pan but has become increasingly aspec, will they end up gray-aro as well as grey-ace? Will they end up as a pan oriented aroace? I don’t know yet, but they sure are a pan a-spec. My most recent project has exclusively aro-spec protagonists, Valentine is aroace, Cedar is demiromantic, Raelene is cupioromantic, and then Clematis and Hadyn are presently just Aro and might stay that way. My aroace characters are often styled after my own aroace experiences, while other a-spec characters aren’t as much.

11. Why do you think that not just representation is important, but GOOD representation? Can you offer any examples?

Well, I think there are a few ways to make ‘good rep’. There is the ‘this character helps bring awareness/educate about the community’ and then there’s ‘this character just resonates with certain a-spec people a lot’, and the main reason I think it’s important is because rep should be for the people they’re representing. So if rep hurts the community or totally fails to be relatable to anyone who’s actually a-spec, then it missed the whole point and is doing just as much to leave the community feeling left in the dust as no rep. Of course things do get complicated when the community is divided on whether the rep is good or not, which I imagine will be a common occurrence, and many examples of rep probably fall into the grey area between Good and Bad, but generally people should aim to tell stories that will help more than hinder the people you are telling your story about. (Although I also think that the long term end goal is to get to the point where there is enough representation that it doesn’t matter if some of it is ‘bad’ or not, since I feel like that is the true state of normalization, but that is sadly not yet the case)

12. What’s the genre of your most recent story? Do you always write in this genre? If so, what other works do you have? If not, why did you pick it?

My most recent story (with Valentine) is fantasy, inspired by shoujo style anime series like Cardcaptor Sakura, while Euph’s story is more dystopian urban fantasy? His exact genre has shifted around a lot and will probably continue to do so. In general, most of my works are fantasy in some way or another. A few are more sci-fi or horror based, but definitely the majority are fantasy whether that be magical girl type stories, urban fantasy, superheroes, or dark fantasy.

14. What’s a brief biography of your character? Is their history, personality, and/or looks similar to your own?

I’m going to go with Fiera here. The short version of her backstory is that she and her older brother were born to neglectful parents, and while their grandmother was attentive emotionally she also lived far away. Her brother discovered magic, long thought forgotten, but killed himself shortly after, leaving Fiera alone and confused. She then made a point to dedicate herself to studying the theory and history of magic in the hope that she may someday understand why her brother would take his own life so suddenly like that. She has a down to earth personality and is very observant, and has a great deal of ambition and focus for tasks. She naturally has a more lighthearted and curious personality, but has become more somber since the death of her brother. While she always struggled with sustaining personal relationships, it’s only recently she started using her power of observation to be more manipulative and always keep a cool, pleasant demeanor. She has a love for fashion and sewing, as well as an interest in chemistry.

She isn’t really based on me at all backstory or appearance wise, and only slightly takes after me personality wise. Our main similarity is that we both can be quietly observant and don’t tend to get outwardly angry very often, and that we are both aroace. But I am nowhere near as focused as her, am terrible at lies/manipulation, and have different interests. I’m also way more prone to energetic rants and blunt statements than she is.

15. What are the themes of your story? Is it a lighthearted adventure, or are we talking deep, ocean-sized levels of angst? Why, or why not, did you choose them?

The tone of Euph’s story is kind of all over the place due to how often I’ve tweaked it, but there are certainly oceans of angst for all the protagonists. There’s just also decided remnants of the wacky humor from when the story was predominantly a comedy, and a lot more scenes of the characters just relaxing or goofing off than might be typical in a high tension drama adventure. My story with Valentine is generally much more lighthearted, though there will be some deeper moments for character development (and also because I want it to have a slightly gothic vibe, just Because)

16. How long have you been writing? Has your style changed from when you first began to now? What are some tips you’d give to those who’re interested in writing a story of their own, be it professionally or as a hobby?

I’ve been writing in some capacity just about as long as I can remember, and so my style has definitely taken various shifts depending on how old I was and what I was taking as my main inspiration at the time. Sometimes I went for more sarcastic and whimsical narration regardless of the events happening of the story, sometimes I went for a more quick modern-ish style, sometimes I would focus more or less on descriptions or dialogue. I don’t really know where I’m at right now though.

What I would advise to anyone wanting to sit down and write is to be patient and kind with yourself. Nine times out of ten what sounds epic in your head will come out at first as clunky and all over the place. But that is pretty much the whole purpose of first drafts; the clunky first draft crawls so the second draft may walk so the third draft may walk a little faster so the final draft may run. The other thing I would advise is to absolutely experiment, and see what works best for you. There is every kind of writing advice out there imaginable, much of it contradictory, so really you just have to mess around with styles and perspective and dialogue and see what happens, which stuff you liked and which stuff you didn’t.

17. What’s your process for writing? Do you plan your story out first, write whatever you want then edit later, or both? How might this help others?

My writing process is pretty much a mishmash of writing whatever comes to me, then planning, then writing, then using a bunch of character building exercises to have fun but make no progress in the plot, then neglect the project for months, then write some more or maybe plan. I don’t know how much this would help others, though I have found when I set goals with deadlines and some external pressure (nanowrimo, reward system implanted by friends, etc) I am far more productive, so perhaps that is something others could try if they struggle with staying on track?

18. Your book’s become quite popular, easily reaching the New York Times Bookseller list, and now, you’ve been picked to lead a writing workshop. It goes swimmingly, and afterward, someone comes and tells you that your book not only inspired them to write a story of their own, but also helped them discover and accept their identity. What’s your reaction?

Mostly I would just be flabbergasted, but also extremely pleased and honored to have been able to provide any kind of help or assistance to my readers.And I would feel very happy for the person, since that sort of inspiration is great to come by.

19. Are there any published stories out there that feature aspec characters that you also read? Do you have any suggestions?

Unfortunately not that I can think of! I am peripherally aware of some ace characters, but they aren’t in stories I personally consume. I hope to find more though!

20. Just for fun, write down a paragraph of your most recent writing. It can be an action-packed scene, some witty dialogue, or a colorful description that you really enjoyed. (Be sure to properly tag any possible triggers!)

Well, my most recent finished work would be the clunky first draft of my novel. So, here’s a silly conversation that entertained me to write:

Once they had bought the food, they went back to the park to eat. 

“You know, Fiera, I have come to a realization.” Kadri said.

“Oh? What’s that?” Fiera asked.

“Store snacks are not as filling as restaurant food, nor as refined, but they are decidedly addictive.” he said, munching on Twizzlers.

“Yep. That’s what makes them store snacks. Plus, I couldn’t get any really nice stuff. I’m not made of money.” Fiera explained.

“Which brings me to my next question, how exactly are you financing our meals? You don’t seem to work a job of any kind.” Kadri said. Fiera was almost surprised that he knew about jobs, but decided not to ask about it. 

“You’re right, I don’t. But my parents leave me about sixty bucks a week so that they can do what they want without me starving to death in their absence. After yesterday and just now, I’m down to like eight bucks, and the next payment comes in three days, so after this stash goes it's dollar store snacks only.” Fiera explained.

“I see. Fascinating. And these drinks you bought us, why are they vitamin drinks?” Kadri said,looking over a vitamin water curiously.

“Because we definitely aren’t going to get any vitamins from chips and candy.”  Fiera said simply.

“There is logic to that, I suppose.” he said. There was silence for a few moments.

“Um… Kadri?” Fiera said after a while.

“Yes, Fiera?” Kadri said.

“You know you can’t eat a whole bag of Twizzlers in one go, right?”  Fiera said.

“I don’t see why not. If it is not going to give me the nutrients I need, it may as well provide me with the maximum level of pleasure it is capable of.” Kadri said.

“Yeah, but you’ll get sick. And we have limited supplies.” Fiera countered. Kadri looked at the bag of Twizzlers in alarm.

“These are poisonous in large doses!?” he exclaimed.

“What? No, not poisonous, they just make you sick because they’re candy. All candy does that if you keep eating it.” Fiera said.

“Commoners lead dangerous lives, it would seem. I shall never forget this betrayal.” He said to the bag of Twizzlers, putting it down and taking the vitamin water instead. 

[awkward-jouno]

an encounter.

'Tecchou!' Teruko calls out from the other side of the inner room as the swordsman's attack on the witch gets deflected. 

'Leave it to me.', you assure them. You sense that by doing so, you have directed its attention to you. As if staged, you dodge its attack and speak once again. 'You okay?' 

'I'll live.', Tecchou says with ragged breathing. 'Dammit, I can taste blood in my throat.'

'Ignore it.', you reply almost immediately. 'Like you said, you'll live. Let me handle this.'

'You really wanna do this without a plan?', Teruko has placed herself in a high position in the barrier, leaning itself well for a bird's eye view. 'You're not going to hold it off until Tachihara and Fukuchi are done clearing the familiars?'

'Nah.' You hold up your hand.

'Jouno, don't be stupid.' Tecchou sighs. 

'They can wait. Let them take their time. Tecchou, I'll taunt and direct it towards you. You'll finish it off, then.'

'Got it.', Tecchou reluctantly agrees with your 'plan' for as far as he can call it a 'plan'. 'Also, pay attention to your Soul Gem.' he says as a final warning.

'What do you mean?', you ask, but feel at the same time that it's had better days. 'Never mind...' You jump away and face the witch directly. 

That surprises Teruko. 'Jouno, what are you...?'

But you don't pay attention to her. 'Hey, you.', you speak in a low voice. 'Don't you go and underestimate me just because I so happen to be blind. I'll cut you down! Oh, what's that?', You move away from another attack and choose position again. You can hear the worried screams and cries of Teruko and Tecchou and feel Tachihara and Fukuchi nearing the place, but you go on nonetheless. 'I know exactly what is bothering you. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. You can't send your familiars anymore, huh? That's right; my friends just killed them all!'

Suddenly, Tecchou jumps in front of you and attacks the witch in your place. 'Enough!', He sends you an angry glare. 'Jouno, this time, you went too far!'

His words echo in your mind as you start to feel lightheaded. A high peep rings in your ears. 'Tecchou...' you whisper, before losing your consciousness and falling.

----

A few seconds later, you wake up.

'Ugh...' You grab your head as your awareness returns to you. But...

'Tecchou...? Teruko...? Where am I? Where are you?' You don't feel their presence anymore, but you also don't detect the witch.

'There you are.'

'Ah!'

Someone enters your perception.

'You...you are...?'

At first, this person seems like a stranger, but you soon feel who they are. 

'...me?'

The magic trail seems to be your very own, and the voice as well comes close to yours, if a bit robotic sounding. 

'You're quick as always, huh.', the copy of you laughs. 'That was a great performance of you back there, don't you agree?'

'You mean...', You think you know what it's talking about. 'My taunting of the witch?'

'Exactly.', Unlike with all other people you've met, you can't seem to detect the state of their heart at all. 'That's where your true self shines. Which is me, by the way. And I just love it when you do things like that!'

'What...what do you mean?' You start to get confused now. 

'You revel in it, don't you? The way their heart beats faster when you do another threat and the sound of their ragged breathing as you tell them you will kill them here and now...'

'What the hell are you getting at?' You become a bit tired at its vagueness. It laughs again before answering you.

'Oh, come on, don't act as if you don't know! Don't say you like to...well, I can also say it directly if you're like this. You're a sadistic manchild.'

'That's what they all say.', You hold up your hands. It is far from the first time you've heard this. 'It's not all me, though. Gotta say it's also a result of all the tests I've had.'

'Oh, that's a lie.', The copy’s voice is inflected by laughter. 'The sadism has always been yours. Don't lie. I know when you're lying, so don't even try.' You sigh at that. 'Don't you sigh at me like that.' It continues to talk to you on a condescending tone. But currently, you lack any arguments to turn the tide. 'You honestly baffle me at times. You like threatening and killing others so much. Why not do that to everyone, if it sparks so much joy in you?'

You can't tell if it's serious. 'I have no idea if you're serious, but I can say that you're partially correct.', You speak up. 'However, I won't kill my friends. I wouldn't be able to handle four against one.'

'Why not?', It asks in a playful manner. 'You might die, but I'm sure it'd be worth it.'

'Dishonoring myself is worth it?' You think you can feel where it's getting at.

'Screw that perspective.', It draws out that first word. 'Think of the rush it'd give! Come on, you know them better than anyone! All of their weaknesses and bad habits. And you know you like it...' The copy of you is bursting with excitement when talking about it.

You snap. 'I understand the point you're making. Don't worry, you won't need to repeat yourself. But this, this is where I draw the line in the sand. I'll never threaten or hurt my friends!'

It pauses for a second, then speaks up again. 'You're more pathetic than I thought. I'm part of you, so you still have this idea deep inside.'

You realize that one and one makes two - the sole fact that this proposal is made by this part of you, directly implies that the idea is still somewhere in your heart. 

'...you have a point.'

'Good.', is the sole thing it reacts with initially. 'It's about time that you become aware of my existence. You don't need to act on me...although it'd be more fun if you did, haha.'

You draw the logical conclusion that to change its behavior or even make it disappear, you'll have to change yourself. 

'I'll get you out.' you say with confidence.

'I'd love to see you try.', And there it is, the same condescending tone as before. 'I'll always be a part of you. Whether you like it or not.' You don't know what to think of this comment. 'So, consider my offer. I'll be there. For now...'

----

Teiresias

Doppel of enjoyment. Its form is a corporal punishment device. The master of this emotion is not happy with it lingering in his heart, and would rather see it gone. It subjects anything in its surroundings, no matter friend or foe, to torture that fits the sins of the victim. This is purposefully not enough to kill, so it often toys around with them, each punishment more cruel than the last. An enormous sense of relief will fall on its master once it disappears again. It is one out of five representations of punishment goals, this one representing satisfaction.

----

'...Jouno?'

Teruko's voice brings you back to reality. 

'I'm...' You regain sweet, sweet consciousness and find yourself at the place you found the barrier. Which must mean...

'You defeated the witch.', Fukuchi states. 'You blacked out there for a few seconds or so.'

'Really?', You frown. 'It felt longer. Like five minutes, at least.'

'It wasn't nearly that long.', Tecchou emphasizes the word 'nearly'. 'But it was sudden, though. Not long after, you changed into this giant thing...' He slows down his explanation. 

'What do you mean exactly?' You stand up and tilt your head. 

'Well...', You can hear at his way of speaking that Tecchou hesitates to tell you. 'It was surrounding you. I don't know how to describe it. It was a horrifying sight, with ropes and blades and...lots of blood everywhere...'

Teruko suddenly shouts. 'Yeah, it was so awesome!'

A shiver runs down your spine. 'Ugh. Let's forget it for the time being.' You want to ask for the Grief Seed, but realize your Soul Gem is clean now. 

'Good idea.', Tecchou agrees. 'Let's get back to base. My soy sauce latte is waiting for me.'

'You never change, do you.' You smile at another of his strange decisions. 

And neither will you.

[pffbts]

―genre: fluff; angst; crack.

―characters: jeongguk x female! reader | no supporting character.

―w.c: 1.8K

―koyel`s note: it feels so good to be back to writing and this idea is the perfect representation of my own way of spending each day. thank you to the beautiful people on my blog who waited for my return. this is a gift in return for that patience. happy reading, sweetie <33

[11:51 AM] [ the smell of books lingering along with a newly brought scent of the boy in front of you]

―jeongguk`s heart sank at the sight of the drowning sun. actually, it always happens like this but he always comes back at that time of the day when the saddest hour starts for its short yet youthful journey. for jeongguk, the 3 A.M morning`s rendezvous sounds too mainstream and thus he opted for the hour of the drowning sun before the moon comes in and takes over from there.

entering into the local library just like any other day, he walked forward―his pace slow and unsound-like. like an entity with no voice inside, jeongguk entered into the farthest row of the large room filled with books. his attention on the shelf, he overlooked another being there posing as a fragment of his equal.

your recent days are spent learning a new language―japanese. call it your own desire or the you that lives inside you that wanted to do something productive for once. thus, that resulted in you picking up the silent and serene hour of the day to be spent at the local library flipping through the pages of the ‘beginner`s way for the easier japanese”

suddenly, you felt a new air around you and you moved your eyes up to locate the new arrival. for a second you stood there frozen thinking that the long curly haired guy in the leather jacket has come to kidnap you but as soon as he bowed down before you and gave you a smile, your shoulders slouched back to the same old relaxed posture. giving a little bow back in return, your eyes returned to the page of the book was opened to.

for the last six months, jeongguk has never found anyone apart from himself to be seated in such a secluded place away from the community of people slow whispering away about their daily lives. it was like finding a way to survive in a deserted place, it was like reviving from the sufferance of seasickness.

as usual, jeongguk settled down in his place i,e just opposite to the seat you occupied. pulling out his headphones and tablet, he clicked on the site where he does his things.

the newest movie had created a surge in the otaku community. even the locals have found themselves losing themselves in the same genre of the film. this new anime movie had grabbed at their heartstrings and jeongguk, when he learnt about it, his feet remained tapping against the floor of his college as he read the reviews.

he couldn`t wait to get into it and feel the drowning sun to warm him up for the set of emotion that will crash against his shore. setting up the brightness, the quality of the movie and doing everything related to finally setting up the movie, he put on his headphones. breathing in and out for the last time, he pressed play.

you thought maybe the boy in front of you will finally get up from his seat to grab a book or like any book, but it has been one whole hour and he absolutely didn`t move an inch from his place. instead, his eyes remained glued to his tablet and his legs only changed its posture from crossing themselves or spreading them in front or completely sitting Indian style. it was so unusual for someone who sits in a library without a book that you were tempted to ask him what the hell he is doing.

it`s like someone who likes fried chicken but doesn`t eat any when placed inside a room filled with the same. it`s like being thirsty for water but still refusing to touch a glass of one even though the uncountable jugs of the same are in front of him. it was like so disrespectful and fascinating at the same time that you decided to push back your chair to finally discover what he was doing.

like a casual round the table stroll, like an act to pull out a new book, you walked behind him to the shelf that stood silently facing his back only to find him watching a newly released anime movie that you have already watched with your best friend last friday.

with your eyes wide like saucepans, you patted his shoulder rather violently, “ohmygod, you know this too?”

jeongguk―that poor boy with the faintest heart being completely flabbergasted at the sudden force on his shoulder, pulled down his headphone only to discover you behind him, leaning over his head and watching the screen.

“what happened?”he asked completely unaware of your previous interrogation. “are you okay?”

“no―i`m not, idiot! that movie...i watched it last friday and that guy―”

a gasp leaves jeongguk`s mouth as he stands up from his seat to cover your mouth with his palm. more than the feeling of his unusual soft palm pressed against your lips, it was his height towering over you that made you feel the sudden heat on your neck. you stumbled back from his hands and started breathing again.

“no spoilers for god`s sake, i`m happy with my life, man!”jeongguk whisper yells back to you while pressing his forefinger against his mouth.

“alright okay geez. i was just too excited to find someone with a similar taste, that`s all.” raising your hands above your shoulders in defence, you bowed before him.

“yeah, alright. i didn`t know someone thinks this is a good place for such conversations too.”

“well, it`s a very good place for such a conversation from now on. we,” pointing at both yourself and him, you continued, “just created that place for ourselves.”

it was the first time you saw him smiling with his teeth and you were glad to be the only one to witness that in this place of the library. it was a victorious feeling inside your stomach. you went back to your seat in front of his own and settled down and before going back to the book, you introduced yourself to him. jeongguk, before putting back his headphones nodded at you smiling the same teeth smile and introduced himself too.

“but you can call me gguk too―you should be really lucky because i only let that name to be used by people who have the same intellectual taste like mine.”

you laughed back at his statement and replied, “oh hell yes, i am.”

jeongguk finally went back to his movie and you to the next set of kanji. as an hour passed by, you witnessed the sun imprinting its warm rays on your hand as they travel through the open window. closing the book, you looked back at the window and smiled. hours like such should exist more than some two hours. sometimes you wonder why people opt for 3 A.M mornings when the drowning sun cries for help. why it`s always the rising sun that fills people with emotion when the same people are sinking inside their own sentiments. do they not want their insides to resonate with the way the source of light in our life does? why are we only finding happiness? why not sadness? do they not understand that we always find a piece of new us in the sadness we pour in our cup?

pushing away the book in front of you from your reach, you rested your cheek against the rays of the sun that were still imprinted against the wooden desk. closing your eyes, you wondered if jeongguk has found the meaning of the movie when it ends. at once, you rested on your chin and looked up to find a closed-eyed jeongguk shaking his head.

smiling sadly at the memory of the ending of the movie, you pushed one of your hand forward to place it gingerly against his own. soon jeongguk opened his eyes to meet with your own as his lips remained in a permanent pout.

“man, i don`t know this feeling.”

“the feeling of familiarity with the sadness the virtual reality depicts?”

“ma`am, i got a 4 in english but yes whatever along that line.”

“are you serious?”

“yes, why? is it mandatory to speak the way you speak?”

“no, i just thought you would be like a top student or something. like…you look like that.”

“seriously, what was this ending? i hate it but i love it too. all this feels.” pulling off his headphones form his neck, jeongguk slumped back in his seat rubbing his face with both of his palm.

“i mean, you and i―we both are not sadist but―”you tried saying but got interrupted by an overly filled with emotional jeongguk.

“yes like we still crave for this feeling, don`t we?”

“but it`s okay―we can be sad together from next time. i mean, that way you won`t have to take it all on your own. we both will share the feeling.”

“are we really gonna be partner in this sad otaku life?”jeongguk`s eyes glowed at the sudden prospect of such mouth-watering offer.

“yes, sure. i mean i`m still planning to learn more of japanese and i guess you still plan to watch more sad anime movies, right?”

lifting one of his hand up in the air, letting it float in the air with the last string of sunray on top of his fingers, jeongguk asked proposed a question staring right into your eyes, “that`s an honest deal, right?”

lifting your own hand up in the air, letting it entwine with his own and sharing the last string of that day`s drowning sun ray, you replied, “make it with some extra dab of junk food, will you?”

“i agree, we need some snack to binge-watch. wait,” jeongguk widened his eyes at you, “i know of this amazing pizza place. so who`s taking turns to buy foods?”