#who have been face to mask with covid positive people since this all started

[indecentpause]

in celebration of hitting page 100 on my second draft, here is a little fic thing I wrote about Meara's life with his boyfriend before The Most Beautiful Puzzle starts! No spoilers for the story, you learn about Drake right away.

cw: violence, intimate partner abuse (verbal, physical, psychological)

Your band was never that big, was it, Meara? You have your own little cult following, but nobody outside of the city knows of you. That’s okay, though! You and your friends are in it because you love making music, not because you thought you’d be famous one day. Because, let’s face it, you were a couple decades late when you started a ska band.

You get to be someone else onstage: someone bright, someone beautiful, someone who wasn’t constantly fucking things up, because you’ve been playing guitar since you were tiny, and it comes to you like breathing, now.

It‘s nice when Drake comes to your shows, at first. Not many of your band have partners, and seeing someone who’s there just for you, just for your guitar and your voice, specifically to cheer you on--it eases the sting from all those years with your shitty family who always treated you and your hobbies like garbage.

At first, Drake gets along pretty well with your bandmates. Danny, being his friendly self, often makes the time to talk to him in between sets if you‘re getting some water or washing your face, so he won’t feel alone or awkward, and he always steps back to give Drake space with you. He’s the perfect best friend for a lot of reasons, but that’s one of many, one that everyone sees, not just you and him.

Then the first accusation comes.

“You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?”

You just home from band practice, a little late because of traffic, and those are the first words Drake says to you. Not “Welcome home” or “Was traffic bad?”

He skips right to accusations. Who else would you even be sleeping with?

When you ask just that, his face darkens, and he takes a step into your space, and for the first time you realize how much bigger than you he really is.

“What are you talking about?” You try asking again, softer.

“Danny. You’re sleeping with him.”

It’s so absurd you can’t stop the laugh from bubbling up, but it dries on your lips, heavy, like salt.

“You think it’s funny?” Drake demands. You shrink back against the door.

“No, it’s not--” you start, stumble, like your words are always stumbling because of your stammer. “It’s not funny.” You try again. “I just… Danny? Of all the people in the world you could accuse me of cheating with, you pick Danny?”

Danny’s your best friend and has been since you were five and he was six. You’ve heard about childhood sweethearts, mostly in movies, but he’s so much like your brother that dating him would almost feel like incest.

Drake opens his mouth, but you’re so tired, and you’re covered in sticky, dry sweat from jumping around in Danny’s garage at practice, so you duck under his arm and say, softly,

“I’ve never cheated on a partner in my life. There’s no reason I would start now.”

You go back to work at 6:00 the next morning, and it’s hard, and it’s exhausting, and you don’t have enough masks for all the crews because of the shortage, and so some of you have to go without. So you only use them when you’re in the hospital or dealing directly with Covid positive patients, and pray that they aren’t lying to you when they say they’re not.

When you get home after one of your roughest shifts in ages  twenty-eight hours later, you pull out your old sewing tote and get to making some cloth masks. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing. You’re three and a half in when you start to fall asleep over your work, but then the bedroom door slams and you jerk back awake.

“What--?”

“Why are you home so late?”

You rub your eyes and turn toward Drake and his quiet demand. At least he’s not yelling this time.

“We got held over and then I took a nap in the break room because I didn’t think I could drive yet,” you say. You put the half sewn mask to the side and stretch. “Chill, Drake. It happens.”

“But you didn’t call me,” he presses.

You finally turn to look at him. “I never do?” you half-ask, confused. “Why would I have to now? Do you want me to start calling when I’m going to be home late? I can start sending you a text or something--”

But Drake storms through the living room and into the kitchen, where he very loudly bangs around while making a pot of coffee.

You don’t have the energy for this. You’re going to bed.

And it keeps going like that, and going, and going, on and on.

He starts accusing you of stealing money, even though he never keeps cash around and you don’t know any of his bank information. He tells you what and when you can eat, like a child who can’t feed himself on his own. And always, after every band practice, he accuses you of sleeping with Danny.

Five months later, you can’t handle the stress of Drake and working in unsafe conditions and band practice. And your band is the only thing keeping you sane, and you have a fair amount of savings, so you quit your job.

And the next month gets worse and worse. The only time you have to yourself is band practice and when Drake is at work. He hovers and accuses and sneaks around, tries to get into your phone and email, constantly asks you where you are and what you’re doing even though you told him five times already.

It’s six months later when he barges into your band practice at Danny’s house, like he’s going to catch you doing something other than tuning your guitar. There’s yelling, and pushing, and crying, and Danny tries to get between you and Drake but Drake is too quick. He grabs your arm and throws in you the car, and he speeds off back to your apartment.

When you finally regain your senses, you shout, “Drake, what the fuck?”

“I don’t want you hanging out with them anymore.”

“You don’t--Drake, I’ve known them a hell of a lot longer than I’ve known you, and we’re in a band, I can’t just not see them. I--”

But then he turns on his shitty ‘80s music and blasts it so high you can’t hear anything else, and you slump back in the seat with your arms crossed over your chest, glaring out the window.

When you get back to the apartment, you storm up the stairs. You’re done. No more.

You throw everything you can manage into a duffel bag, grab your emergency cash from the back of your closet, and storm out. You don’t know to where. Danny’s, probably.

Drake chases you down and reaches over your head to push the door closed again. You turn around, with everything you have willing your voice not to shake.

“Back off. I’m leaving. This controlling bullshit has gotten out of hand. We’re done.”

You force the door open and he stumbles back a step, then grabs your wrist as you start down the first step. He jerks you back and your ankle twists and you cry out hoarsely, pulling your wrist out of his grip. You stumble, you fall, you struggle to push yourself up because now your wrist and ankle are throbbing. Your ankle collapses underneath you when you first try to get up, but the second time you manage it, crawling up the handrail.

Drake is staring at you, wide eyed and terrified.

“We’re done,” you repeat, and you stumble down the stairs and to your car. For a moment, Drake just stands there, but then he takes the stairs two at a time to try to reach you before you get to the parking lot.

It’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but even with your sprained ankle, you jog to your car, throw your bag in the passenger’s seat, and slam the doors closed and lock them.

Thankfully your gas foot is still fine. You speed out of the parking lot, whirling down alleyways and one way side streets for a good ten blocks, just in case he tries to follow you.

But he’ll know you’re going to Danny’s. Where else would you go? And you can’t, you can put Danny in harm’s way like that. So you make a U-turn and head away from the suburbs and into Chicago. There are so many people and so many motels, it would take him months to track you down.

Danny still has your guitar, and he’ll keep it safe. He has your furniture because Drake had his own when you moved in.

You tell your phone to call Danny, who has already called you and left five messages and countless texts. He answers in a panic.

“Meara, what the fuck was that? Are you okay? Did he hurt you? What’s going on?”

“I’m leaving,” you say vaguely.

“What? Where?”

“I don’t know. Into the city.”

“Meara, don’t be stupid, come to my place and--”

“No, Danny, he knows I’d do that. I don’t want you to get hurt, too--”

“Too?”

You interrupt “Just. Just hang onto my stuff until I can get settled somewhere else. I’ll keep in touch and let you know where I end up. But. I’m gonna have to disappear for a while. That means I can’t stay with the band, not right now. I’m so sorry. Tell everyone I’m so sorry. Maybe sometime in the future we can--”

“Meara, it’s fine, we all know you have to be safe first and foremost. Just. Just be careful, okay?”

“Yeah,” you say softly, and you take a right onto the highway.

General taglist:  @ohsugarfoot @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper

Puzzle taglist: @winterandwords

[anyroads]

This collection of articles on Long Covid popped up in my browser this morning. Please read at least one of them.

I don't even know where to start putting all the frustration and anxiety caused by knowing how much vulnerable people and disability rights activists begged everyone not to forget them when Covid protections started getting rolled back. Everyone wanted to get back to normal and didn't care who got left behind. And now people are still getting left behind because most people don't want to observe basic safety measures that would take so little effort (masking in public places like supermarkets and public transit! vaccine availability! I'll pay! just let me have one every six months!). Which means people are still getting infected with Covid, and many of them are still developing Long Covid, except now so few people are even aware of it as a condition (some have actually forgotten about it even though they heard of it a year or two ago) that many aren't seeking help, and many who do simply don't have access.

Vulnerable people are worse off now than a year ago, because most countries have rolled back the safety measures that protected them, and they aren't receiving compensation for the fact that every day life is dangerous for them. This limits access to work opportunities, not to mention social lives.

So, in the interest of general safety, here's a brief primer on how Covid works that can inform your own safety steps:

Ventilation is your friend. Covid travels best in enclosed, unventilated spaces and is the most limited in its ability to infect outdoors. Outdoor events and gatherings are safest for your vulnerable friends, as long as they aren't too crowded. If you aren't infectious then it makes little sense for you to wear a mask outdoors unless you're in a crowded space. I still see people wearing masks on the street and then taking them off when they get on a bus. This is the opposite of what you should be doing.

Masks protect others from you more than they protect you. Which means that it's not enough for vulnerable people to wear a mask in enclosed spaces to protect themselves, others need to wear one too.

Viral load is a huge factor in infection severity. The less of the virus a person is exposed to, the more of a chance their immune system stands. This idea that "you're going to get covid anyway, so you might as well not worry" doesn't take into account that viral load matters. If an infectious person wearing a face mask breathes on someone, they'll shed much less virus than if they stick their tongue in that person's mouth or even just breathe on them without a mask. Basic safety measures can make the difference between a low-level infection and hospitalization for vulnerable people. It can also make the difference between low-level long covid symptoms and debilitating long covid.

Covid has a 48 hour incubation period. This means the virus takes 48 hours to settle in before you become infectious, once you've been infected with it yourself. If you think you've been exposed, start testing and masking after this period ends (this means if you went to a party where someone had covid, you start the 48 hour count from the beginning of the party, not from the time you left).

If you think you've been exposed, test and mask for 5 days once you start to do so. If you keep testing negative and don't have symptoms at the end of the 5 days, most research indicates you're safe and not infectious. This means it's been a full week since your potential exposure because 48 hrs + 5 days = 7 days.

If you test positive, even if you have no symptoms, test, mask, and try to stay away from others until you test negative. If you test negative but have symptoms, take a few days to keep testing, masking, and stay away from others. Covid can take a few days to show up on a test even if you have symptoms.

One vaccination isn't enough. The covid vaccines are effective for 4-6 months. After that, you need a booster. Please don't tell people you're vaccinated and safe if your last vax was more than six months ago, you're misleading them, even if unintentionally. Vaccination also doesn't mean you can't still pass on the virus if you get it, even if you have no symptoms (this is true for the flu as well).

Please keep protecting vulnerable and disabled people and advocating for them. Happy disability pride month.

[majikdog]

Omg I come here because of the "2022 is the year of Ghost" post!!! (which thank you for putting together and omg... what a ride). I'm not sure if you got this asked before, but could you let usk now how it was meeting Papa? How was interacting with him, and how was the before and after?? I haven't been to a ritual yet, but i'm saving from when they start touring again, since I want to go to the meet and greet so bad! Would love to hear your experience though (if you're ok sharing!) <3

Hey, lovely!!

I’m glad you liked the post, it was fun putting together and I love the additions everyone made too!! It’s been such an eventful year. And I’d love to tell the story of meeting Papa, definitely one of the biggest highlights of my year! It’s something nice to look back on when I’m feeling down.

The interactions are brief due to time and the amount of people with the anointed packages (so many people, anon, I was pleasantly surprised!!) They also normally take place during the other opening bands (in this case it was Mastadon who performed right before Ghost). Basically, the Anointed VIPs are lined up, then taken in small groups of I think 10-20 at most, and led to a small, dark room. A corner of the room is boxed in with black curtains- where Papa is waiting. I was the fourth person in line. I’d been third but I chickened out and made @ghoulish-ghrace go before me, I was FREAKED!! Excited but terrified lol. They don’t make it any better for you, no, the room in dimly lit with smoke, incense, various ambient horror film soundtracks with the impending dread of actually meeting the character you’ve been obsessed with for however long it’s lasted up to that point. Eventually it was my go and I was directed to the little curtained corner. It looked something like this-

(Not mine, this was a scene from the Swedish rock documentary, Hård rock på export)

The curtain was pulled aside revealing Papa, and he’s very much there. Like straight away, first thing I notice, BOOM in your face, jumpscare. From photos and videos, it’s a little easier to tell “yeah, this is a dude in a mask”, you can look at those things and nitpick the fine details to differentiate the fantasy from the reality. In real time, this dude looks fucking real. And Tobias doesn’t disappoint, he really does go into Papa mode and doesn’t slip in his performance from the mannerisms, the way he holds himself, the accent, everything. Onto the actual interaction, I was inside the mini room and he was literally face-to-face with me. I was still in frightened animal mode and I’m not gonna lie- he noticed and made it apparent but only out of kindness and comfort. It started off with him saying “hello” and “how are you doing tonight?” I answered with something about being okay but scared. He responded with “don’t be, it’s just me” (NO DUH YEAH ITS JUST YOU THATS WHY IM FREAKING OUT, MATE). I told him he looked amazing and he replied “as do you, you look very nice tonight” (which I will carry with me to my grave) and he asked me if I was ready for the photo. I was kind of frantic and saying sorry a lot but as always, Papa was so sweet and patient, never got irritated, but at the same time attempted to comfort. Outside the character, I realize he’s totally been in this position before and probably gets it. The photo-taking placed him on the other side of the plexiglas bc of the COVID restrictions but he’s still very close! I still stayed farther away than I should have but hey, I was nervous, this was my first M&G ever AND with my favorite artist of all time. After the photo, I was getting ready to leave, Papa steps in my way to face me, no plexiglass in our way, and we were facing each other with him super close this time with fucking like breath on my face and that piercing stare you hear about so much that definitely lives up to what people tell. Trying not to cry (failed) and trying to keep eye contact (semi-success), I listened as he told me softly, “hey, it’s okay, you’re going to be okay. Now, I want you to go out there, make some friends, have fun and have a good time tonight. Can you do that for me?” I promised I would. I thanked him for everything he’s done and for being patient with me. I almost went to the wrong side of the tent to leave but I was able to turn around and say “goodbye, Papa” and he gave me a little wave watching me leave. Also would like to note that he’s not very tall but does try to loom (I’m fairly short tho so he’s got some height over me, the intimidation was effective. Tobias-1, Adri-0).

Now after all of that and making absolutely sure I hadn’t pissed myself yay, I ran out to find my friend and tackled them nearly to the ground. Noticed a few other fans looking like they were about to bolt and I let them know Papa was so kind and so sweet, it was definitely going to be worth it. I think that’s another thing, be there for your ghesties. It’s as nerve wracking as it is fun but it’s a lot better when you’ve got others to support you through it. Trust me, like I said with “Papa” included, you’re not alone and everyone’s been in this position and it’s okay to apprehensive despite the hard work you did to get there. If there’s advice I have to give, it’s that and also play along with Papa! He’s not Tobias Forge, he’s Papa. The play element makes it a bit easier. If you’re a little like me, script oriented interactions are easier. If you treat this like acting and playing along with the fun, it makes it more enjoyable. And even if that’s too much, you’re not sure what to say or you forget what you were going to say- that’s okay! Papa will be sure to make the experience as personal to you as he can. Just being polite and appreciative of his time and work are enough. Normally, gifts exchanges were allowed but cut out due to COVID restrictions. However, there was a very kind person running everything that I gave my gift for Papa to. He promised me that he’d personally make sure that Papa would get it and gave me his word. If you have anything to give Papa, check the venue websites for restrictions on what is or isn’t allowed in and if you ask the show runners if Papa may have your gift, they will likely work with you on that too.

After all of that pt. 2, I texted my mum and let her know about everything that happened haha. The rest of the night was a blast, my friend and I both got to the barrier area! Papa and his ghouls were also interactive on stage with us. So even if you aren’t able to grab a M&G, chances are you can still get some interaction during the ritual. Somehow making eye contact with him onstage and him gesturing towards you a few times is still as scary as the M&G ehhehehe.

After I think around a week, the photos with Papa are sent to you via email. After scrolling through all of them (yes, you were sent to a website where you’d see everyone’s lol), you’ll find yours. Here is mine:

(See? Told you I stood far away lol)

But yeah, that’s the gist of it, Anon! Despite the short interaction, it’s well worth it in the end. Like many, I worked hard to get there mentally and financially, and I’m sure you will to. This is your experience and you should own it! And if you ever get scared, I will be your personal hype man because you deserve it!! And I think Papa knows that too. When you do get to meet him, I would love to hear! My inbox and DMs are always open to you and anyone who would want to share. I love sharing my story and hearing others’.

[excalculus]

Here we are, heading into another COVID winter.  The fucker’s still here and sadly we aren’t likely to get rid of it any time soon.  You kill diseases by cutting off transmission and slowly strangling them to death.  We tried that.  We locked down the whole world and it didn’t work.

I won’t deny that things look really ugly right now, especially with other respiratory diseases coming back.  But as the sequencing results keep coming in, it’s really starting to look like something incredible happened.

Sure, the lockdowns didn’t succeed in killing COVID.  That doesn’t mean they killed nothing.

Hey, I wonder how the influenza viruses are holding up?

There are two types of influenza that cause the epidemics we get every winter: A and B.  (C and D don’t really get up to the same level of mischief so let’s ignore them for now.)  Type A infects both animals and people, and includes things like the H1N1 bird flu pandemic strain, swine flu, et al.  The H[number]N[number] format points out which subtype of two important viral proteins it has, and usually strains are reported with that code, what animal they jumped into humans from, and where they were first sequenced.  Type B only affects humans, especially children.  It doesn’t have subtypes like Type A.  Instead it has two distinct lineages: B/Victoria and B/Yamagata. 

Today’s best flu vaccines are called “quadrivalent” because they target B/Victoria, B/Yamagata, and our best guess at which two Type A’s are going to blow up this year.  The guess is based on global sequencing of flu infections, so we have at least a decent idea of both past and current circulation logged in databases like GISAID and the WHO’s FluNet. 

Cases went way down during the lockdowns - masking and social distancing pushed spread down to a fraction of what it usually is.  Influenza in general is now back in force as people go back to their normal behavior.  There’s plenty of Type A flying around.  There’s been B/Victoria.

B/Yamagata has not been conclusively identified since March of 2020.

As early as 2021, flu researchers noticed the lack of new B/Yamagata sequences coming in and started to suspect something was fishy.  Look at this graph of GISAID flu data by lineage:

[GISAID] [paper]

Let’s, uh, check FluNet maybe?  That shows that in a typical year you see tens of thousands of cases of B/Yamagata on PCR tests.  2017 had 30,552; 2018 had 51,524.  Then... 3,464 in 2019.  364 in 2020 in only 9 countries.  It does seem like there are still signs of life in 2021 with 8 hits, but keep in mind these detections are based on simple PCR tests like what we do for COVID.  PCR tests are exquisitely sensitive, to the point where it’s been shown that giving flu vaccines and then later using the same room to give flu tests can throw a weak positive by picking up viral RNA from the vaccine.  More specifically, as of March 2022 there’s been a case of this exact thing happening with what looked like a B/Yamagata detection.  So it’s going to be more reliable to look at only the results from full sequencing, where you can yeet anything that matches the vaccine ingredients and only look at wild viruses. 

[paper]

Zero.  Nothing.  All signs point to we shot at COVID and blew up an entire flu lineage as collateral damage!  What the fuck!  We’re probably going to have to change how we do flu vaccines because fully a quarter of what they aim at looks to be gone from the face of the earth!

True, influenza B/Yamagata could still be out there somewhere that hasn’t been sequenced.  Proving absence is hard.  But the fact that Type A and its sibling B/Victoria are back and easy to find really does suggest it’s gone, or stomped down so far it’s near impossible to find.  Time to watch and wait and feed every sample we can into the sequencers, but if we keep not finding it...

A disease is considered eradicated when we’re sure there’s no more transmission “in the wild”.  For smallpox, which was also wildly contagious and also had no nonhuman reservoir, that was three years from the last known case. 

Clock’s ticking.

[aijee]

Life update 9/10

CW: COVID/illness, mental health

Hi, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

First of all, welcome to all you lovely new followers. Full disclosure (and gentle reminder for anyone else following), I’ve sort of fallen off the writing mood for a while, so if you’re here for Seventeen, Meanie or fanfic content, it will be pretty rare, if that wasn’t evident already. But if you’re here to keep up with my life once in a while, I appreciate your time and attention. :)

Second, I still strongly believe that we’re in a pandemic. I’m still appalled at the lack of empathy, respect and protection towards immunocompromised, disabled, chronically ill, socioeconomically disadvantaged, marginalized people in a country (America for me) that would rather us go back to work and make money than ensure everyone is safe and can comfortably return to their daily lives without feeling like their life is actively threatened. I’ve felt a lot of disillusionment towards my workplace, country (of which I am now a citizen, ironically) and life goals lately, which has been difficult after so many years of aspiring to learn, live and work here.

Part of that disillusionment is having gotten COVID recently. Like many Asians, I grew up in a multigenerational household, and that habit of thinking about how my actions affect my elders is ingrained. I couldn’t bear to leave my apartment, but my workplace and institution insisted that I return to work after a really short isolation period—in my mind, prioritizing the work to be done over (1) my health and comfort, (2) how my coerced presence would affect others more vulnerable down the line. It was really hard going against my morals because I had to pay bills and eat. Still wearing masks and diligently sanitizing/washing hands until now, surrounded by people who don’t makes me feel like a fucking crazy person. Am I the only one who still cares? Am I the only one who still sees the COVID numbers? It’s honestly really jarring to feel so disconnected from the reality around you.

I was not in a good mental place, having COVID. Obviously being ill and in bed most of the time is not a good experience, but I also live alone. The pandemic has been and continues to be wrought with loneliness; I try my best to supplement that with video calls with friends and texting family. But to be ill and without close support where you live is downright scary and extremely melancholy. To be young and alone in a city full of people is so very sad.

For better and for worse, I finally got a doctor’s diagnosis for my mental health struggles and am starting on medication for the first time (which happened at the same time as getting COVID—imagine how that experience was, oof). It’s both scary and relieving to hear what I imagined was what I was dealing with for a while. 

This, alongside COVID, has been making me extremely tired almost all days. I use up all my energy to survive at work, keep up a face and do my job well. I use up all my energy talking to friends, being genuinely happy to see them and chatting the night away. But outside of that, I’m left with scraps to do things for myself beyond the bare minimum of eating, sleeping and cleaning. I’m trying not to judge myself for it. As my therapist keeps saying: “It just is, and that’s okay. You’re okay.” Many are in similar positions, just doing their best to get by day-to-day. But it doesn’t make me less of a person or less worth of existing.

Funny thing is that I fell of off Seventeen and GoSe, which I used to watch religiously back in the day, some time in the pandemic when things got rough and K-Pop just wasn’t the healthy comfort place it used to be. Since getting COVID, I spent so much of my sick days watching these silly boys doing silly things. It was a joy to reconnect with the joy they gave before and give me again. I didn’t intend to write about these difficult experiences of mine, but it felt appropriately full-circle to mention on this blog that SVT has been an indispensable, wonderful comfort for me lately. I missed them so much. I’m grateful for what they do because I don’t think I could’ve gotten through the last several weeks without them.

Maybe by writing this, it’ll help me remember: I’m doing my best. And that’s okay. I’m okay.

[acidicstars28]

I'm seriously starting to hate the holidays.

WARNING LONG Long Story: My selfish ass mother gave my twin sister and I, Covid a week before our birthday and Christmas. She got Covid going to a Christmas party with like 40 of her trashy ass always intoxicated friends. She refused to isolate in her room and refused to wear a mask in public areas of the house after she tested positive, even though it's not her fucking house. She literally basically freeloads off my 87 year old grandfather and has for as long as I have been alive which is 31 years as of the 23rd. Any way... my sister recently had to move back in with my mom and grandpa, because her dirt bag partner of 10 years cheated on her with a coworker and they have to sell their house. So I went over there last Saturday to bake Christmas cookies with my sister to try and cheer her up and I'm suprised to see my mom there cause usually she's out drinking with her gross boyfriend on the weekends but you know it was noon so maybe she was leaving later. Fast forward to 9pm and my sister and I are just finishing up decorating the last batch of cookies. My husband made a cameo to pick me up and got roped into helping decorate and do dishes after he got out of work. So we finish cleanup and go home and then my sister texts me.

I SHIT YOU NOT, We're not even half way home when she texts saying "By the way, our mom JUST (like 5 to 15ish minutes after my husband and I left) told me she tested positive for Covid yesterday (friday), which is why she didn't go to her fucking boyfriends house. Now I am super confused and getting a bit angry at this because my mother sat around the house all fucking day, put her fingers and face near the food and the cookies we made, and GAVE to people, hovered in the kitchen and was just all up in our business all day, with no mask fully knowing she had Covid and not telling amyone. My grandfather didn't even know. She didn't care that two of her kids, one who is immunocompromised (me) and one who is literally 2 months out from a devestating break up (and now has to spend her first birthday and Christmas without a partner in 10 years alone in our childhood bedroom, isolating so she doesn't get my grandfather sick).

I can't even be with her because I have to isolate at home (immunocomp) by doctors orders. And I just feel so fucking angry and helpless because I can't be with my sister on days where she's going to really need me (and my husband, story for another time). Because my mom is a selfish bitch.

I mean she's always been a toxic narcissist but this just is a new fucking low even for her. No care in the world for me, for my sister or for my grandfather at all. BUUUTTT as long as she could spare her precious boyfriend who is in perfect physical health (and also ALREADY HAD FUCKING COVID) from getting sick it didn't matter.

😮‍💨 I now get to spend the third birthday in a row, practically alone because of her and her fucked decision. My husband has to work most of the day too, since you know retail 2 days before Christmas. Before that gets any judgement, he's masked up and testing every morning. His immune system is way better than mine and he doesn't even have a sniffle, the lucky bastard.

It is wrong of me to absolutley HATE my mother right now? Like my sister and I had a ton of plans for this weekend. She wanted to keep busy to keep her mind off the other things going on her life. And because the last 2 birthdays we've had sucked ass. She had covid 2 years ago and I was in the middle of a severe depressive spiral. And then last year we got hit with a fucking massive blizzard. But also now I have to miss a shit load of work 5 days before Christmas and I don't have any PTO left. I just feel like my mom and her shit has completely drained every thing, I have left in me for the year. Not to mention I am so sick that everything in the world sucks right now.

I feel bad for ranting, but also really needed to get that off my chest before I go nuclear on my mother through very angry texts. I would call and yell but I have no voice and my husband has been trying to get me to not immedietly chose violence all the time.

Ugh okay. I'm fucking done now. I hope your holidays are better than mine.

[ezekieltobiasfletcher]

"Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you."

— Carl Jung

Sonofabitch. It's true. Things are okay in my relationship with my partner, but I'm really working this year to not let my "-isms" overwhelm them. Living in our COVID bubble for a couple years exposed some ways how my anxiety/depression/adhd can put an undue burden on my partner, and I'm working my program to better handle that shit. Things with my "sister" (chosen family whose been in my life for a loooong time) have been complicated lately. While I know that if the chips were down, she'd be there for me in a heartbeat, but there's been a growing list of things that I can't talk about with her for the time being. If I push too much, she'll go radio silent, and that won't be good for either of us. It sucks, but this is just a period of time where she needs me more than I need her, and that's okay. I've had much healthier boundaries with her since I actually started working my program, and that did wonders for our relationship. Still... I've lost her as my everyday, random thoughts/fears/OMG-i-need-to-share-this-with-someone-or-I'm-a-gonna-explode, bestie. The only two other people I have after that are my sponsor, who has long since become a trusted friend, and my therapist, or as I have been jokingly referring to her as, my bi-weekly rent-a-friend. I can't shell out more $$$ for therapy, and while my sponsor is an awesome human being who I feel safe with telling my deepest thoughts to, he and I are just different enough that I don't see us doing more than having coffees and going for walks and bike rides. So, as my overall mental health continues to ebb and flow on an excruciatingly slow yet upward trajectory, I've been pouring my "loneliness" into Tumblr lately. It's a safe place for me since I don't share it with people IRL (like my other social media feeds except reddit), and frankly, Tumblr has always felt like a safer place for LGBTQ+ people, and people who have to work harder at their mental health that all the "normies" take for granted every day. (I swear to the gods, if one more normie gives me toxic positivity vibes, I may have to finally smash my happy-go-lucky mask once and for all and just let it rip. Okay... I'm still too much of a people pleaser to do that, yet. Fuck.) Frankly, I need to find another meeting or an Adult ADHD support group. Not that I can't say what I feel in my home meeting, but the group decided to keep it an electronic meeting after the mask mandates were lifted. I had last Friday off for Veteran's day, and my sponsor invited me to a meeting he goes to during the day. The topic was exactly what I needed, I shared from a depth of my heart that I haven't in a while (I didn't realize I was holding back subconsciously because I wasn't consciously aware that was fearful that someone in my house may overhear me even though I close the door during my e-meeting), and I talked with a person in the parking lot of the church after the meeting for almost as long as the meeting itself. I haven't done that since before COVID, and I haven't had that post-meeting pink cloud feeling in a long time. I guess I need an in-person meeting. So, where do I go from here? Well, I need to search. I am committing to myself that I will find a list of meetings/support groups, and start trying them after the holidays. I have way too much going on between work and the ramp up to the holidays. If I'm not careful, and I try to solve all my problems too soon, this motivation will blow up in my face. I'm not desperate. I am not alone. I'm only feeling a tinge of loneliness every now and then, but always at the worst time with a low mood. One step at a time, one day at time.

[salaciousme]

My father died on August 12, 2021. He had a COVID positive test a few days before my 30th birthday and quickly decompensated by my birthday. He was hospitalized and slowly going into multiple organ failure. Like most COVID patients, his lungs were the first to start failing. He was given all sorts of medication and treatments. By the end, they had maxed out all the legally allowed dosages. I was so angry with him for getting sick. His health has been touch and go since he had his first major heart attack when I was 14. The last 15 years of my life were filled with constant medical emergencies - 3 heart attacks and 4 strokes not to mention regular angina episodes. Needless to say, I was in the hospital a lot and this was just my father. This is not including my mother who has Parkinson’s . And my own health that suffered significantly because of the stress and constant worry.

My mother had gone to a church party on July 16 - the pastor’s wife’s 50th birthday. And yes, she really did throw a massive party in the middle of the pandemic. The last time I saw my father was on July 17, 2022. I had gone to visit my parents and have breakfast that Saturday morning. My uncle was visiting for the first time and my father was so excited, showing off all the things in the house to his older brother. My dad showed me old pictures of when he was younger and pictures of my brother who had passed. It was actually the first time he had ever spoken so openly about my brother. I remember he got really quiet and I just hugged him. This was the first emotionally vulnerable moment we had together. I left in the early afternoon to meet with my partner as per my usual routine. It’ is as clear in my mind as if it were yesterday how happy I felt. I had even called my partner to tell him I had a surprisingly great time with my parents and I was so happy that our relationship was improving. We had made plans to meet the next weekend for my birthday. Everything felt right in the world. Little did I know that I’d never see my father again. I’d never get another hug or another overly enthusiastic greeting that at the time I found annoying. Now I just miss it.

My mother called that Monday to tell me she was COVID positive and that I needed to get tested. My health is not great so being exposed to COVID was a big deal. I remember being so angry with her when she explained that multiple people at the party had tested positive and that most people were not wearing masks - her included. I asked her about my father and she said he was not sick and felt great. I warned her to stay away from him because he was a prime candidate for COVID complications. I was on speaker and I heard my father dismiss my concerns stating he was fine. This only for me to receive a call that Wednesday, July 21, that he was now COVID positive. My father went so far as to tell me that COVID was not as big of a deal as people had made it out to be and that he was going to be fine. I knew deep in my heart that the moment he was positive, he was not going to make it. I couldn’t tell you why but it was such an overwhelming feeling that I reacted like a child - I got angry at him. By the weekend, both my mother and father were hospitalized. Their oxygen levels were dropping and they couldn’t breathe. They were admitted into the hospital and placed in ICU together. My mother looked worse at first but made a recovery and was released by August 6.

My father’s condition suddenly began decompensating with no up tick. His lungs began to fail. The day he was placed on the ventilator, I remember seeing him on FaceTime and he could barely talk. The nurses had these iPads they used for patients to communicate with their loved ones who were on the COVID floors. He was unable to catch his breath despite being on max oxygen. He would make hand signs to try to communicate and ended up cutting the call short. I think he knew at that time that he was not coming home. I had never seen that look on his face before, not during any of the close calls in the last 15 years. And just like that he was transferred to ICU, put under sedation and placed on the ventilator. His condition looked hopeful for the first few days. We received dozens of calls a day from the hospital staff. I remember that Monday, August 9 we got the call - the “its not looking good” call, the “you should consider making arrangements” call, the “what life saving measure would you like taken” call. We were told he was going into multiple organ failure and his lungs were beginning to fill with fluid. They advised us the strain on his heart was getting too great and they had almost reach the max amount of medications to control his blood pressure. They said they can try life saving measures when his heart fails but advised against it because the damage to his organs were irreparable by this point. I never imagined having that conversation.

The next 2 days were surreal. I remember getting dozens more calls from the hospital including one the day before he died. The nurse called me early in the morning and said my father’s was not going to make it past that day and that she can arrange a FaceTime call so the family can say their goodbyes. I called my entire family to let them know what was going to happen and to tell them to be available for the call. I made the arrangements with the nurses and so many family and friends were able to join to say goodbye to my father’s sedated body. After about 2 hours the call suddenly ended. I immediately thought the worst. I couldn’t bring myself to call the hospital and I believe my sister did. He was still alive - if you could call it that. I will be eternally grateful to my childhood friend who worked at the hospital and somehow pulled magical strings and I was able to see my father before he died - in person. I remember feeling determined to see him because I could not accept this was real until I saw it for myself. I was allowed onto the COVID ICU floor where my father was admitted. He was on a floor in which each room was sealed off with negative pressure and no one was allowed inside except the assign nursing staff. Nevertheless I was able to stand outside his room and see him. He would have looked like he was sleeping if it were not for the multiple cables and tubes coming out of my father and into all sorts of machines id never seen before. His chest would rise and fall so unnaturally because of the ventilator. He didn’t look like him. It sunk in he would never come home. It sunk in that I would never hear him call my name again or give me a hug. He never got to visit my new home because I wanted it to be “perfect” before I finally invited him over. I started thinking of all the things he always said he would be there for and how he would never get to see any of those things. How this was it.

I don’t remember getting home or falling asleep. I remember receiving a call at 7:43 AM from the hospital. The moment I saw the number I knew - “no, no, no, no”. I remember saying that as I picked up the phone. The nurse was crying. Then the worst moment of my life unfolded. The words I was dreading to hear. It was official. He was really gone. This was real and this was happening. My father who always said he would like to 100 just to annoy me was gone at 68.

[enchantedto]

.

[puttingherinhistory]

“Covid has unleashed the most severe setback to women’s liberation in my lifetime. While watching this happen, I have started to think we are witnessing an outbreak of disaster patriarchy.

Naomi Klein was the first to identify “disaster capitalism”, when capitalists use a disaster to impose measures they couldn’t possibly get away with in normal times, generating more profit for themselves. Disaster patriarchy is a parallel and complementary process, where men exploit a crisis to reassert control and dominance, and rapidly erase hard-earned women’s rights. (The term “racialized disaster patriarchy” was used by Rachel E Luft in writing about an intersectional model for understanding disaster 10 years after Hurricane Katrina.) All over the world, patriarchy has taken full advantage of the virus to reclaim power – on the one hand, escalating the danger and violence to women, and on the other, stepping in as their supposed controller and protector.

I have spent months interviewing activists and grassroots leaders around the world, from Kenya to France to India, to find out how this process is affecting them, and how they are fighting back. In very different contexts, five key factors come up again and again. In disaster patriarchy, women lose their safety, their economic power, their autonomy, their education, and they are pushed on to the frontlines, unprotected, to be sacrificed. 

Part of me hesitates to use the word “patriarchy”, because some people feel confused by it, and others feel it’s archaic. I have tried to imagine a newer, more contemporary phrase for it, but I have watched how we keep changing language, updating and modernising our descriptions in an attempt to meet the horror of the moment. I think, for example, of all the names we have given to the act of women being beaten by their partner. First, it was battery, then domestic violence, then intimate partner violence, and most recently intimate terrorism. We are forever doing the painstaking work of refining and illuminating, rather than insisting the patriarchs work harder to deepen their understanding of a system that is eviscerating the planet. So, I’m sticking with the word. 

In this devastating time of Covid we have seen an explosion of violence towards women, whether they are cisgender or gender-diverse. Intimate terrorism in lockdown has turned the home into a kind of torture chamber for millions of women. We have seen the spread of revenge porn as lockdown has pushed the world online; such digital sexual abuse is now central to domestic violence as intimate partners threaten to share sexually explicit images without victims’ consent. 

The conditions of lockdown – confinement, economic insecurity, fear of illness, excess of alcohol – were a perfect storm for abuse. It is hard to determine what is more disturbing: the fact that in 2021 thousands of men still feel willing and entitled to control, torture and beat their wives, girlfriends and children, or that no government appears to have thought about this in their planning for lockdown. 

In Peru, hundreds of women and girls have gone missing since lockdown was imposed, and are feared dead. According to official figures reported by Al Jazeera, 606 girls and 309 women went missing between 16 March and 30 June last year. Worldwide, the closure of schools has increased the likelihood of various forms of violence. The US Rape Abuse and Incest National Network says its helpline for survivors of sexual assault has never been in such demand in its 26-year history, as children are locked in with abusers with no ability to alert their teachers or friends. In Italy, calls to the national anti-violence toll-free number increased by 73% between 1 March and 16 April 2020, according to the activist Luisa Rizzitelli. In Mexico, emergency call handlers received the highest number of calls in the country’s history, and the number of women who sought domestic violence shelters quadrupled. 

To add outrage to outrage, many governments reduced funding for these shelters at the exact moment they were most needed. This seems to be true throughout Europe. In the UK, providers told Human Rights Watch that the Covid-19 crisis has exacerbated a lack of access to services for migrant and Black, Asian and minority ethnic women. The organisations working with these communities say that persistent inequality leads to additional difficulties in accessing services such as education, healthcare and disaster relief remotely. 

In the US, more than 5 million women’s jobs were lost between the start of the pandemic and November 2020. Because much of women’s work requires physical contact with the public – restaurants, stores, childcare, healthcare settings – theirs were some of the first to go. Those who were able to keep their jobs were often frontline workers whose positions have put them in great danger; some 77% of hospital workers and 74% percent of school staff are women. Even then, the lack of childcare options left many women unable to return to their jobs. Having children does not have this effect for men. The rate of unemployment for Black and Latina women was higher before the virus, and now it is even worse. 

The situation is more severe for women in other parts of the world. Shabnam Hashmi, a leading women’s activist from India, tells me that by April 2020 a staggering 39.5% of women there had lost their jobs. “Work from home is very taxing on women as their personal space has disappeared, and workload increased threefold,” Hashmi says. In Italy, existing inequalities have been amplified by the health emergency. Rizzitelli points out that women already face lower employment, poorer salaries and more precarious contracts, and are rarely employed in “safe” corporate roles; they have been the first to suffer the effects of the crisis. “Pre-existing economic, social, racial and gender inequalities have been accentuated, and all of this risks having longer-term consequences than the virus itself,” Rizzitelli says. 

When women are put under greater financial pressure, their rights rapidly erode. With the economic crisis created by Covid, sex- and labour-trafficking are again on the rise. Young women who struggle to pay their rent are being preyed on by landlords, in a process known as “sextortion”. 

I don’t think we can overstate the level of exhaustion, anxiety and fear that women are suffering from taking care of families, with no break or time for themselves. It’s a subtle form of madness. As women take care of the sick, the needy and the dying, who takes care of them? Colani Hlatjwako, an activist leader from the Kingdom of Eswatini, sums it up: “Social norms that put a heavy caregiving burden on women and girls remain likely to make their physical and mental health suffer.” These structures also impede access to education, damage livelihoods, and strip away sources of support.

Unesco estimates that upward of 11 million girls may not return to school once the Covid pandemic subsides. The Malala Fund estimates an even bigger number: 20 million. Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka, from UN Women, says her organisation has been fighting for girls’ education since the Beijing UN women’s summit in 1995. “Girls make up the majority of the schoolchildren who are not going back,” she says. “We had been making progress – not perfect, but we were keeping them at school for longer. And now, to have these girls just dropping out in one year, is quite devastating.” 

Of all these setbacks, this will be the most significant. When girls are educated, they know their rights, and what to demand. They have the possibility of getting jobs and taking care of their families. When they can’t access education, they become a financial strain to their families and are often forced into early marriages. 

This has particular implications for female genital mutilation (FGM). Often, fathers will accept not subjecting their daughters to this process because their daughters can become breadwinners through being educated. If there is no education, then the traditional practices resume, so that daughters can be sold for dowries. As Agnes Pareyio, chairwoman of the Kenyan Anti-Female Genital Mutilation Board, tells me: “Covid closed our schools and brought our girls back home. No one knew what was going on in the houses. We know that if you educate a girl, FGM will not happen. And now, sadly the reverse is true.” 

In the early months of the pandemic, I had a front-row seat to the situation of nurses in the US, most of whom are women. I worked with National Nurses United, the biggest and most radical nurses’ union, and interviewed many nurses working on the frontline. I watched as for months they worked gruelling 12-hour shifts filled with agonising choices and trauma, acting as midwives to death. On their short lunch breaks, they had to protest over their own lack of personal protective equipment, which put them in even greater danger. In the same way that no one thought what it would mean to lock women and children in houses with abusers, no one thought what it would be like to send nurses into an extremely contagious pandemic without proper PPE. In some US hospitals, nurses were wearing garbage bags instead of gowns, and reusing single-use masks many times. They were being forced to stay on the job even if they had fevers.

The treatment of nurses who were risking their lives to save ours was a shocking kind of violence and disrespect. But there are many other areas of work where women have been left unprotected, from the warehouse workers who are packing and shipping our goods, to women who work in poultry and meat plants who are crammed together in dangerous proximity and forced to stay on the job even when they are sick. One of the more stunning developments has been with “tipped” restaurant workers in the US, already allowed to be paid the shockingly low wage of $2.13 (£1.50) an hour, which has remained the same for the past 22 years. Not only has work declined, tips have also declined greatly for those women, and now a new degradation called “maskular harassment” has emerged, where male customers insist waitresses take off their masks so they can determine if and how much to tip them based on their looks. 

Women farm workers in the US have seen their protections diminished while no one was looking. Mily Treviño-Sauceda, executive director of Alianza Nacional de Campesinas, tells me how pressures have increased on campesinas, or female farm workers: “There have been more incidents of pesticides poisonings, sexual abuse and heat stress issues, and there is less monitoring from governmental agencies or law enforcement due to Covid-19.” 

Covid has revealed the fact that we live with two incompatible ideas when it comes to women. The first is that women are essential to every aspect of life and our survival as a species. The second is that women can easily be violated, sacrificed and erased. This is the duality that patriarchy has slashed into the fabric of existence, and that Covid has laid bare. If we are to continue as a species, this contradiction needs to be healed and made whole. 

To be clear, the problem is not the lockdowns, but what the lockdowns, and the pandemic that required them, have made clear. Covid has revealed that patriarchy is alive and well; that it will reassert itself in times of crisis because it has never been truly deconstructed, and like an untreated virus it will return with a vengeance when the conditions are ripe. 

The truth is that unless the culture changes, unless patriarchy is dismantled, we will forever be spinning our wheels. Coming out of Covid, we need to be bold, daring, outrageous and to imagine a more radical way of existing on the Earth. We need to continue to build and spread activist movements. We need progressive grassroots women and women of colour in positions of power. We need a global initiative on the scale of a Marshall Plan or larger, to deconstruct and exorcise patriarchy – which is the root of so many other forms of oppression, from imperialism to racism, from transphobia to the denigration of the Earth. 

There would first be a public acknowledgment, and education, about the nature of patriarchy and an understanding that it is driving us to our end. There would be ongoing education, public forums and processes studying how patriarchy leads to various forms of oppression. Art would help expunge trauma, grief, aggression, sorrow and anger in the culture and help heal and make people whole. We would understand that a culture that has diabolical amnesia and refuses to address its past can only repeat its misfortunes and abuses. Community and religious centres would help members deal with trauma. We would study the high arts of listening and empathy. Reparations and apologies would be done in public forums and in private meetings. Learning the art of apology would be as important as prayer.

The feminist author Gerda Lerner wrote in 1986: “The system of patriarchy in a historic construct has a beginning and it will have an end. Its time seems to have nearly run its course. It no longer serves the needs of men and women, and its intractable linkage to militarism, hierarchy and racism has threatened the very existence of life on Earth.”

As powerful as patriarchy is, it’s just a story. As the post-pandemic era unfolds, can we imagine another system, one that is not based on hierarchy, violence, domination, colonialisation and occupation? Do we see the connection between the devaluing, harming and oppression of all women and the destruction of the Earth itself? What if we lived as if we were kin? What if we treated each person as sacred and essential to the unfolding story of humanity? 

What if rather than exploiting, dominating and hurting women and girls during a crisis, we designed a world that valued them, educated them, paid them, listened to them, cared for them and centred them?“

[strawberrymilkgeorge]

Part Ten. Faces

warnings: swearing, hate comments word count: 4.1k (not including pics)

behind the screen (irl dream x f!reader) series masterlist ultimate masterlist

A/N: sorry its late!!!! this feels rushed but i was just too excited to get to some parts!!! also i have had some parts written out for SO long that they dont even feel cute to me anymore so im literally praying to every deity rn that you guys think its cute lmao anyway enjoy!!!!

**********

It had been about a week since Karl's slip up but everything was already more normal than Y/n had expected it to be. Of course, George, Sapnap and Quackity were all very understanding and gave her space while simultaneously reassuring her that she was safe with them. She fully believed it too, she knew she was safe with them and they weren't going to tell anyone her name.

The one unusual thing was now she had a heavy guilt, like someone dropped another sandbag in her stomach, every time Dream texted her. If the others knew, it was only fair that she tell him her name too, right? I mean, it's Dream. Dream! The boy who had quickly slipped his way into her life and, though she wouldn't admit it to Karl or Naomi, her heart.

But how? Does she just come right out and say it or wait until it gets brought up? She hadn't practiced telling anyone her name because she wasn't planning on doing it any time soon. Though, maybe she should have been seeing as she was going to see them all in person in a little over a month.

Regardless of the guilt, Y/n had other things to worry about today; Quackity was coming to visit. Karl had picked him up from the airport and the two of them spent all day catching up and doing who knows what but Y/n still hadn't met him. She was scared. She wasn't scared of Quackity, but scared because it was the first time one of her online friends would be able to put a face to her name and voice.

Y/n shuffled across her living room rug and reached for her phone on the coffee table, looking for some sort of distraction while she waited for them to arrive.

-

Y/n rolled her eyes but smiled, shaking her head as she threw her phone on the couch. Okay, he's right. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be great. It's just Quackity. If he said anything rude or annoying or anything she could literally just step on him like a bug.

A sharp knock on the front door of her apartment snapped her back into reality. She shook her limbs of nervousness as she made her way to the door, two familiar voices begging to be acknowledged from the other side.

"Let us iiinnn!! Y/nnn!!!!" Karl whined.

After countless times asking the same question, she finally convinced Karl that she was okay with him using her real name in front of Quackity. He clearly still felt guilty about telling the boys her name, asking her multiple times in different ways whether he should call her Y/n or Bugsy in front of the guest. She finally got it through his head that she didn't mind either way.

"Hold on!" she yelled back. She unlocked the door and swung it open to see Karl and Quackity. "So impatient."

"Holy shit, you are tall! Goddammit, I thought that was a joke!"

Y/n laughed shyly at the greeting, looking at Quackity like he was crazy. "Hello to you too. Tried to warn you, dude."

"Yeah but, damn! You're tall and attractive, what the hell?"

"Dude," she said with a warning in her voice. She thought the flirting on Twitter was funny, but in real life she got embarrassed easier and wasn't a fan. "I'm about to kick you out of my house before I even let you in."

This was weird, meeting Quackity before meeting some of her other friends. She loved Quackity, but she had known George much longer and Sapnap even before that. There was no problem with meeting Quackity, she just had no idea how to act since she felt like she hardly knew him.

"Am I allowed to tell people that you're hot?" he asked as he fell on her couch, Karl following right after.

"Quackity!" Y/n yelled, her face heating up at a compliment. "Seriously?"

Karl cackled and shoved Quackity. "Shut up, Alex! No, you're not allowed!"

"Sorry, is that compliment reserved for Dream?" He cackled at his own joke and Y/n's face heated up even more.

"I seriously will kick you out of my house."

"You wanna be flirty on main but not in real life?" Quackity scoffed.

"I'm not flirty on main, you are!" she laughed. "Seriously, don't."

"Okay, sorry, I'll stop," Quackity promised with a laugh in his words.

The three of them fell into easy conversation, mostly because Karl and Quackity were already comfortable around each other at this point. They eventually decided to go to the mall, just to mess around and do something.

*reminder: covid doesn't exist in this fic bc we only want happy things so ignore their masks :P*

Y/n frowned as she unlocked her front door, staring at her phone. She had been so happy with all the fans freaking out about the meetup so she looked at the trending list, expecting to see a flood of keyboard smashes and happiness, but that's not all she ended up seeing. BUGKARLITY was trending, so she scrolled through the tweets and was upset to see not all of them were positive. In fact, when she typed her name in the search bar, lots of the tweets using her name were rather mean.

A few that stuck in her head called her an attention whore and said that her friends only flirted with her because she paid them too. Who on earth would even do that? Some hurt way more than others but she tried to push them aside. It wasn't like this was the first time she had seen comments like this, but they had only gotten worse since her Minecraft date with Dream. She was worried it was cause more hate for her friends and the last thing she wanted was to be the cause of their own hate.

She typed several different messages to Dream, deleting them all after she reread them. She felt like she had to request the same thing from him in a different way. Maybe because she felt like his words meant more, even if he really was just joking like the rest of them. She decided to call him instead of texting.

"Hi!" he chirped happily from the other end.

"Hi, Dream," she said as her chest filled with something warm at the sound of his voice. "How are you doing?"

"Good," he dragged out the word. "How are you?"

"Okay."

"Just okay? What's up?"

"Um," she started, immediately forgetting the words she decided she'd use. "I just... would you mind, uh, not flirting with me so much on, like, Twitter and streams and stuff like that?"

There was a silence before Dream's frantically apologetic words came through. "Yes, of course, oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. If I had known I was making you uncomfortable, I wouldn't have—"

"Wait, no," she interrupted but he must not have heard.

"—said things like... oh gosh. Bug, I'm really sorry—"

"Dream!" she raised her voice, getting him to stop ranting. "You don't make me uncomfortable."

"Oh. Really?"

"Of course not. I actually think it's really..." Cute? Adorable? Endearing? "funny," she decided.

"Oh. Then why...?"

She sighed heavily and explained what she told the others. "So, yeah. I just don't want you guys getting hate because of me so I figure if you stop then... you know."

"Bug..." he said gently. "I'm really sorry. I promise you that I don't—none of us think those things about you."

"I know."

"No, seriously," he said, clearly not believing her. "You need to understand that I..." he paused. "I mean what I say. Always."

Always? she thought. There's a few things he's said that certainly he didn't really mean... like calling her cute?

"I don't joke around like that unless I want to. I wouldn't say things like I say to you unless I really, really, genuinely considered you a close friend and felt comfortable around you. And I do."

Her heart swelled. "Thanks, Dream. I just... maybe don't do it so much for right now? Online, at least," she clarified, not wanting to deprive herself completely of Dream's flirting.

"Yeah, if that's what you want, of course."

"Well, I don't want you to stop flirting with me but, yeah."

He chuckled. "Oh, you do like when I flirt with you?"

She hummed and changed the subject. "Did I interrupt you doing anything?"

"No," his teasing voice dropped and was back to his regular self. "I'm just editing the video we filmed the other day."

"Oh, the 'Minecraft, but you can't touch the floor'?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Oh," she said, not meaning to sound disappointed. "I'll let you get back to it—"

"No. I mean, you can stay on the phone. Unless you're busy."

She smiled and put her phone on speaker and set it next to her foot on the floor. "I was just gonna paint. So I can stay."

Before she knew it, almost two hours had passed of them sitting in comfortable silence, occasionally speaking to share something with the other before going back to their tasks. It was comforting knowing she didn’t need to speak constantly and could just hang out with Dream.

Y/n's phone rested on the floor next to her, Dream on speakerphone on the other end, only the sounds of his keyboard clicking letting her know he hadn't fallen asleep or hung up. She wasn't sure when they started doing this, staying on the phone even when they had nothing to talk about, but they had done it a few times before. They had talked on the phone and Discord many times but it was usually always with purpose, not usually this silently-enjoying-each-others-presence nonsense. Who was she kidding calling it nonsense, she enjoyed it an embarrassingly insane amount.

She repositioned so she was laying on her stomach as she finished sketching an image that was in her mind.

"Hey, you still there?" Dream asked softly.

"Yeah. Sorry, am I taking away from your sitting in silence time with George?" she joked.

Dream chuckled lightly. "Nah, you're more fun. I was just seeing if you ditched me for Karl yet."

"Nah, you're more fun," she mimed truthfully. "But I'm very focused on this drawing."

"Can I see it when you're done?"

"Don't expect too much. It looks bad."

"If you don't tell me what it is, I can't know how accurate or inaccurate it is."

"Very true..." she trailed off, holding the canvas further away to examine it all at once. She wanted the sketch to be perfect before she made permanent choices with paint. She enjoyed the serenity they maintained even when talking, voices low and delicate like they were keeping secrets but not quite whispering. "Are you almost done editing your video from the other day?"

"Sorta. I'm at the part where you and Sapnap almost died laughing because a ghast knocked George into lava and then Sapnap laughed so hard he fell into lava."

She chuckled, remembering the situation vividly. "That was so funny. The way George screams is so funny."

"Let Naomi know that," he mumbled, causing Y/n to gasp.

"Dream!" she laughed loudly and he joined.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's true though."

"Disgusting!"

A distant voice sounded on the other end and she assumed it was Sapnap. "What do you want for dinner?"

Dream responded with a soft, "Nothing, I'm good."

"Are you talking to Bugsy?"

He must have responded physically because the next sound was Sapnap's very clear, much more lively voice speaking directly into the phone. "Hi, Bugsy!"

"Hi, Sapnap!"

"Can you tell Dream to eat some damn food? This man literally hasn't eaten a single thing all goddamn day."

"Dream," Y/n scolded slowly. "Please eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"I'm not showing you my painting until you eat."

A door closed on the other end and she took that as a sign that Sapnap had left.

"I don't wanna see it anyway. It's probably trash."

"Take that back!" she gasped lightly. She looked at the canvas as she grabbed the first paint color and laughed. It was only a sketch and it was already trash. "Fine, then I won't go on the trip if you don't eat in the next ten minutes."

"That's punishing yourself too though."

"Who says I want to see you?" she asked.

"I never said anything about not seeing me being the punishment."

She had been caught. "It was implied."

"Sure it was."

"It's true though. Who says I wanna see your stupid face?"

He didn't say anything, but an incoming FaceTime call lit up Y/n's phone. A FaceTime call from him.

Her smile dropped. "Clay?"

"Answer it," his voice was lower and her heart started beating faster. Was he really about to show her his face to prove a point? Reveal his biggest secret that only a few close friends knew? To her of all people? She made sure she couldn't be seen in the small window and pressed accept, the voice call ending and the FaceTime call starting.

To her surprise, what came into view wasn't his face, but the logo of the hoodie he was wearing, the simple smile of his merch taunting her. She laughed, the anxiety slowly fading away as it was replaced with a heavy feeling in her stomach. Was she disappointed? Maybe a little, but he teased her into believing she would see him.

"Oh, wow! Dream face reveal! He looks just like his icon, no way!!!"

His chest moved up and down as he laughed, not moving the camera away. "You heard it here first, guys! You've known my face all along, the logo is actually my face!"

She laughed and returned to painting, not paying any more attention to her phone since he was now also showing his ceiling, a small corner of his monitor in frame but nothing else. "I mean it though, if you don't eat, I'm going to be so mad I won't even want to be friends anymore. Or you'll die from malnourishment before we get the chance to meet."

"I doubt it. I'm just not hungry."

"Whatever."

"Oh, hey, so you met Quackity today. How was it?"

"Very scary."

"Yeah?" he asked sympathetically, urging her to explain if she wanted.

"Yeah. But it turned out okay! He didn't act any different so it was fine. It was mostly just awkward. He's also so freaking loud. You would not believe how much louder he and Karl get when they're together."

"I can imagine. Aren't they doing a stream right now or something?"

"Yeah, I think so. I don't wanna watch though, I've had enough of them for the month."

Dream laughed. "How will you deal with them together for New Years'? It'll be for like two weeks."

"Who knows if I'll actually go?"

"Wait, what?" he asked abruptly, not even bothering to hide the disappointment in his voice. His keyboard stopped clicking and she could picture him staring at his phone as if looking at her. "Of course you're going."

"Not if you don't eat food! You have, like, 3 minutes to eat something until I officially am busy doing other things whenever the trip is."

Dream groaned and clicked a few things on his computer before the image on the screen became blurry as he walked through the house, still pointing it at the ceiling. She looked away again and kept painting.

"Quackity's really funny though," she continued. "It was super awkward at first but it was fun to have someone else to help me make fun of Karl."

"Wait, Bug," Dream called out over the sound of wrappers crinkling.

"Hm?" She hummed, continuing to paint.

"Bug," his voice was much softer and he sounded nervous.

She looked at her screen and dropped the paintbrush as she focused on what she saw, grabbing her phone and holding it closer to her face so she could see, still making sure she wasn't in view. All the anxiety from the beginning of the FaceTime suddenly came back and hit her like a truck. Sitting on her screen, waiting to be seen, was Dream. His hood was up, tufts of blonde hair sticking out, and he was standing with his back towards a dark room, the dim light from his pantry making his face just visible.

He held up a cookie in front of his actual, real face. "Are you watching?"

"Y-yea... I... Yeah. I'm watching. Is that really you?"

He nodded once before shoving the cookie in his mouth. "There, I consumed food," he announced, his voice muffled by the cookie. "Now you're legally obligated to come."

"I—What? CLAY! WHAT?"

"What?" he asked innocently as he chewed, walking back to his room and still holding the phone up to show his face. His room light was on, making his face much more visible. If Y/n thought he was attractive in the harsh pantry light, he must have looked like a god in his room lighting, even as pixelated as he was due to the quality of FaceTime. He fell on his bed and Y/n could only gape at his features. He slumped against his headboard, surrounded by roughly a thousand pillows, sporting a small, shy smile as he stared at the screen. "Bug, what?"

She opened her mouth but no words came out. Needless to say, he was unbelievably handsome. Part of the speechlessness was from the shock that he showed his face out of the blue, but obviously, the majority of it was that he was pretty much the most attractive person she'd ever seen. It should be illegal for someone to look that good in a hoodie, especially when pixelated.

"Hmm," he hummed thoughtfully. "Wanna take back what you said earlier?" He bit into another cookie.

"W-what did I say earlier?" Why was she stuttering???

"You said you don't wanna see me and that I'm ugly," he teased.

She paused for too many seconds too long before finally muttering, "you arrogant son of a bitch." He laughed loudly at that.

His eyes crinkled and he threw his head back. So that's what he looks like when he wheezes, she thought to herself, pretty.

Dream shuffled his position on his bed and rested his head on one of his hands. He looked so comfy. "Why are you so quiet, weirdo?" he mumbled.

She set her phone back down and touched her cheeks with her hands and looked away for a moment, grounding herself to the real world for a second. She couldn't process her thoughts when she was staring at a man as gorgeous as Clay. "I don't know, maybe because you gave me no warning before showing me your face? Or because you failed to mention that you're incredibly hot?"

She was so glad she had looked back at her phone or else she would have missed the glorious sight of his cheeks turning bright red before he turned the camera back to his ceiling. "Oh my gosh."

"Aw cute, I made you blush."

"Shut up," he mumbled. "You threatened to not come if I didn't eat something!"

"You didn't have to—you showed me your freaking face just to prove you ate a cookie!! DREAM! I would have believed you if you just said you ate something!" she laughed breathlessly, staring at the phone now for a chance to see him again. "I was joking anyway!"

"Sure you were."

"I was."

"Well, oh well. You deserved to see me anyway."

"Oh, I deserve to see you?" She laughed. "How big is your ego?"

"You know what I meant," he groaned. "You got doxxed by Karl and you met Quackity in person. And you've clearly had a bad day because of all the hate and stuff. You've done a lot of stressful things recently and you deserved to be let in on a secret too."

He was so sweet. Like, tooth-rotting, Halloween candy stash hidden under a kid's bed, upset tummy sweet. She also couldn't get over the fact that he was a million times cuter when he was shy like he was being now, his voice soft and unsure. It contrasted vastly with the confident, loud-mouthed Dream everyone usually saw, though she liked that Dream too. She wished he could show his face for just one more second to see what he looked like shy. Probably sickeningly adorable.

This was it, wasn't it? The chance she had been waiting for to tell him her name? He just let her in on his biggest secret, now he was the one deserving to be let in.

"Y/n," she said with a confident, but soft voice.

There was a long pause. "W-what?"

"Y/n."

He understood the second time immediately. "Y/n..." he tested, the smile in his voice clear as day. "I like it."

"Yeah, well, I guess you deserved to know the secret too."

"I would have been content never knowing."

"Really?" She didn't believe him. He seemed like the type to never be satisfied, always looking for something better. Not in a greedy way, but in a motivational, goal-oriented big achiever way.

"Really," he hummed. "I already feel like you're too good to be true so I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't a real person."

It was silent as she tried to collect her thoughts.

"Bug? You okay?"

"Yeah, I... it's just a lot."

"Sorry."

"No, it's not you. Well... I don't know. I just don't know what I'm supposed to say when you say things like that," she admitted.

He paused. "I think you always have the perfect responses when I say things like that."

"What do I usually say?" She smiled shyly, pulling her hoodie up to her lips.

"You usually call me a nerd or say you can't stand me. 'Oh my gosh I cannot stand you'," he mimicked before laughing.

"What? How is that the perfect response to you saying you can't believe I'm real?"

He hummed and she could practically hear him shrugging. "Because it's a classic Bug response. It's a hundred perfect you. So yeah, it's perfect."

She was silent, trying to compose herself before she exploded.

"By the way, check Twitter."

"Why, are you bragging about me calling you hot?" she teased, hoping to make him blush like she had earlier. It worked.

"Oh my gosh, no. Just look."

She clicked her home button and navigated to the app, her feed instantly flooding with the same similar messages.

"Oh, my gosh," she muttered, her fingers flying away as she typed out her own tweet in response to the love.

Dream chuckled from the other end and when she asked him why, he vaguely said that George texted him but didn't explain further.

"Um, I have to go," she said mournfully. "Karl and Quackity are coming over again."

"Booooo," he pouted.

"Sorry, you aren't the only man in my life," she teased before instantly regretting her choice of words. Too flirty, Y/n, she thought to herself.

"Hm, shame. Am I at least at the top of the list?"

She bit her lips, wanting desperately to repeat what she had told him on their Minecraft date. In the end, she gave in. "I always mean what I say too," she started. "You're my main bitch, baby."

Dream made some sort of sound, a mix of a scoff and a whine but Y/n didn't comment on it, just glowing with heat in her cheeks.

"Leave before I don't let you," he said softly and the heat only grew.

"Goodnight, Dream," she pressed, the tone in her voice letting him know he was being a tease. "Thanks for... thanks for your tweet. And for everything you said earlier."

"Of course. Sorry that you have to see those kinds of things a lot."

"It's okay when I have people like you."

"People like me? What does that mean?"

"Just.... people like you." Cute, sweet, kind, genuine people who make her heart flutter.

She could hear his smile in his words and she figured he knew the unspoken words in her thoughts, the ones she was saying without saying. "Okay. Goodnight, Y/n."

"Goodnight."

**********

PREVIOUS | NEXT

taglist: OPEN (at the time)

@hydrate-tion @loraleiix @tinaswagbd @charsdummb @smileyyuta @1ghoste1 @cerberus-hellhound @gaysludge @queestionmark @carnations-red @letsloveimagines @the-fictionwriters-hairdo @boiled-onionrings @a-cryptic @fee-btheweeb @erwinss @just-a-stan @axths @kayleigh2703 @furiouspockettoad @sometimeseverythingsucks @powerpuffyn @itshaileyn @millavalntyne @automaticcomputerpaper @nikkineeky @fivedicksinatrenchcoat @sprucekot @bellomi-clarke @possiblyanxioushuman @crybabyjabby @mae-musicbitch @hungoverhellhound @dreamyteam​ @kuroo-icedtea @stuffforreferences @menacingaesthetic @sapphic-soot​ @fangeekkk​ @haseulreturns​ @queenwastaken​ @peteysgf​ @losingvienna​ @bi-narystars​ @zero-nightshade​ @erinitoburrito @sparklykeylime​ @youhyakuya​ @danny-devitowo​ @clubfairy​ @loser-keiji​ @oi-itsemily​ @alm334​ @the-katastrophe​ @wreny24​ @applecakeradio @unicornblood4ever @brendalopez99​ @spacecluster​ @justonemoreepisode​ @strawbrinkofdeath​ @aikochan4859​ @chaotic-tieflings​ @dreamsofficialwife​ @where-thesundoesntshine​ @jamiealenaa​ @unstableye​ @kageyamama-hinatatata​ @officiallyunofficialperson​ @secretly-a-weeb​ @localsimp​ @loxbbg​ @rhymeorreason1​ @flubblubbb​ @kiritokunuwu​ @sylumarts​ @raining13lemonade​ @aiyncel @ghostfacefricker6969​ @avengemepercy​ @modyoonie​ @sapnapsupremaci​ @donttellaweirdweakling​ @writinginnit​ @mosstea-png @mayempress @theboywhocriedlupin​

[houseofbrat]

I will start by saying thank you. Im not sure what your stance is on this covid situation. My msg might be all over the place sorry. My feelings on this whole covid shit is everywhere. Second, Im about to flip out over more lockdowns. Third, in the trauma center I work at, I work in the ED where we have two separate departments—pediatrics and adults. I work for both. We are still seeing patients pop positive even when they have been fully vaxxed plus a booster and others that have popped positive (asymptomatic) but had covid 4 months prior but are fully vaxxed. This omicron variant, is more contagious but its not deadlier than the delta.

We are exhausted. Everyone is. I am fully vaxxed plus a booster but I did not want to get fired for not getting vaxxed because I care for my patients and this is what I love doing. I wanted to keep my job. Too many nurses walked out and these patients need nurses to care for them. Ofcourse it’s important to get vaccinated however, Im personally over getting any more boosters. People are still getting sick. Yes, I wear a mask everywhere I go and I havent had covid this entire time.

Within the last few months, Ive seen more kids are get infected. In the beginning back in 2020, almost no kid was tested for covid. But now, atleast half of our pediatric unit upstairs has covid+ kids and some are being moved to the intensive care units.

At this point, covid is the new flu. Its going to keep mutating. Lockdowns are pointless. We are double—sometimes triple masking, double gloving, face shields, gowns and nurses are still getting covid. We. Are. Done.

Our economy cant take it, our hospitals cant take it. At what point do you just say fuck it all? We cant keep locking countries down. I know, I know, this is bad coming from a nurse but so many of us are tired. I just watched 3 of my nurses get covid and were out for a week and theyve been fully vaxxed. All this “4th booster possible” is such horseshit. I know I seem all over the place with my feelings but I just say get vaxxed then be done and enough of the lockdowns. Let it run its course.

I will tell you right now, covid was no doubt here in the US in 2019. WITHOUT A DOUBT. Get vaxxed and let the shit run its course. Lockdowns wont stop anything. So yes, I am pro-vax, but enough of the lockdowns. I have always warn a mask since becoming a nurse so masks dont bother me.

I could vent some more but thats what I have at the moment.

Part 2

Yes, covid is real. But its the new flu. The government needs to get over it and stop with the lockdowns. Again, Ive worn masks since I began working in hospitals……I mean Im literally the first healthcare worker these patients see when coming into a hospital and some people that come through those doors are just sick as can be and Id rather not get whatever they have. (The mask also protects my identity as we have behavioral health patients that come through the doors and they will take pictures of us and stalk us (which they have done). A nurse a few years ago, was stalked by a behavioral health patient and that patient waited for her in the parking lot one night, smashed her head open with a crowbar and she later died in the ICU. That was definitely not the 1st nurse who has been attacked by a patient.)

But back to covid. The lockdowns are pointless. If you are asymptomatic, yes you can still pass it on but that should not restrict you from traveling. Its getting ridiculous at this point. If you arent vaxxed and dont want to be thats your choice. I am pro-vax, always have been. Im telling you first hand that people are still getting sick (vaxxed or not). I dont always wear a mask when Im out and about but this virus is here to stay and the governments cant keep shutting down the countries. I dont judge anyone who wears or doesnt wear a mask. Its a choice. Build the immunity and move forward. We cant keep shutting down.

I work in Massachusetts btw. We would not be here if the country just shut down when the immunologists were warning of a crisis. We shut down too late. Hell immunologists warned the hospitals in December 2019 that something bad was coming and management, supervisors, CEO etc laughed. January came around, they knew something was happening. Beginning of February, nurses were demanding a shut down to limit the spread and keep current patients safe. Nobody listened then all hell broke loose and now look where we are.

[engagemachine]

"You're so gentle," she tells me. They all say it. I hear it from my patients every time I take their arm to wrap the blood pressure cuff around it, or when I place my stethoscope on their belly, or when I rub circles into their back when I've helped them sit up on the side of the bed for the first time in three days. Sometimes they cry, because it's the first tender touch they've felt since they've been in the hospital. It's very humbling and at the same time very concerning -- why has no one else offered this tenderness to you? Why am I always the first?

But I don't feel gentle. Not when a pair of ribs are cracking beneath my hands as I'm doing chest compressions on a Covid patient who's stopped breathing--the second time I've administered CPR on a Covid patient in two days. I don't feel gentle when I'm wrestling with a patient and begging for them to keep their oxygen mask on. When I have to hold them down and hold them still so my coworker can draw a blood sample. I don't feel gentle when I'm inserting a nasogastric tube down someone's nose, then throat, and into their belly while they're gagging around the tube and their arms are flailing. And I don't feel gentle when I'm washing a sacral wound with bleach and they're crying because it hurts. I don't feel gentle when I have to shout, beg, and plead for patients to listen, when I tell patients they're going to die if they don't keep their oxygen mask on. I don't feel gentle when I have to place a patient in restraints, or when I call a family member and tell them that their loved one's condition hasn't improved. I don't feel gentle when a patient tells me they can't breathe, they can't breathe, I can't breathe, and I'm yelling for coworkers to call the doctor while I'm cycling through different oxygen masks and trying to administer medication to slow their respirations and calm their anxiety.

I'm writing this because I feel like I've been living a little bit behind a veneer on here, although I know deep down that's not really true; I have always wanted my blog to feel like a positive space for anyone and everyone, including myself. I come here to have fun and destress and that's why you usually don't see me reblogging content having to do with politics or global news. I think it's possible to create a healthy space where one does talk about those things and spreads awareness for important causes, but for me, Tumblr is where I come when I need to escape the harsh realities of real life. This is my platform where I can indulge in my fictional proclivities and interests, where I can appreciate art, photography, beautiful writing, my favorite films, music, and cute animals. That's what this space is about. I also have loved meeting new people and getting to know my readers and making new friends and chatting about my stories. That's why I'm here and I thank you all so, so much for indulging me in my passions and for encouraging my writing the way that you have: it has helped me weather the current storm of stress I am feeling in more ways than I could possibly convey.

But I have to be very honest with you all about how much I've been struggling lately, as I feel like I'm reaching a breaking point and I'm somewhat at a loss for how to handle it.

Since September of last year, I've been on an accelerated track to finish the degree I'm working towards, which is a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. I've been a nurse for four years, but I graduated from a two-year nursing program versus a four-year program because I wanted to get into the field earlier than some of my peers, which has been great. Anyway, my school counselor/mentor and I agreed that I could obtain my BSN in a year if I really pushed myself. The program I'm in is self-paced, which has been both a blessing and a curse. Most of my classes I have finished in about three to four weeks. Other classes, like biochemistry, took substantially longer, about seven or eight weeks, if I remember correctly. All of the classes have relied on my ability to self-teach, as there are no scheduled lectures to attend, only assigned readings and videos to watch, if you choose to do so. Fast forward to the end of May, when I went to visit some family, and, upon my return home, really started to lose some of my motivation to complete my classes. I was meant to finish my program in August (this month) but agreed with my mentor that I would take a short break and put my last three classes on hold so that I could resume the program in September. I've enjoyed approximately a month off from school, but "enjoyed" is a term I use loosely here as I was also picking up extra shifts at work because we've been so short staffed and losing nurses left and right.

Which brings me to the main cause of my stress. This pandemic has completely changed the landscape for how I administer care to my patients, and the stress of the care itself has been so utterly overwhelming at times I can hardly bear it. I broke down in tears at work on Sunday morning, shortly after 4:30 am, right there at the the nurse's station, and was sobbing so hard that my supervisor had to pull me away so that I could have some privacy. I wish I could tell you that I sobbed harder than I have in a long time--but I had sobbed at work with that same intensity just four weeks prior, only, I had been alone at the time. It's becoming a trend--I either cry at work or I cry at home--because the stress of this job has become unbearable.

I wish--I desperately wish--I could convey to you the seriousness of Covid. I think so much of the world has already decided to move on from it because they're so tired of having to deal with it and, quite simply, are ready to return to normal. I don't even know what normal is anymore and when--or if--we'll ever be able to return to it. And that has caused me a fair amount of stress and anxiety in and of itself. I miss traveling so much and I don't know when I'll be able to do it again. I haven't seen one of my best friends since the fall of 2018 for this reason, which kills me.

I've seen so much death. Transferred so many patients to the PCU and ICU. Frantically chased patients' oxygen saturation, trying to keep them from circling the drain. Being responsible for six or seven human lives at one time is a stress you cannot fathom unless you have done it yourself. I have cried with a patient, a young woman, who had lost her husband to Covid only hours before in the ER, a young woman who was now faced with battling Covid herself but also planning the funeral of her high school sweetheart from her hospital bed. I have wheeled a patient to the ICU so that he could say one final goodbye to his wife--married for over 50 years--before they pulled the plug and removed her from the ventilator. I have raced down the hallway with my patient on BIPAP, pushing his bed to the ICU and praying that he doesn't stop breathing on the way there. I've had to console crying family members over the phone who are worried about their loved ones, not to mention my crying coworkers who are as overwhelmed as I am. These are just a handful of experiences from the past month alone. There are so many more.

The discomfort of my job has become secondary. I expect, now, to be wearing an N95 for a full twelve or thirteen-hour shift because there isn't time to take it off. Not having a chance to pee or go to the bathroom during that time. Not drinking any water until I'm in my car and taking off my mask and finally taking a deep breath.

On a more personal note, I am continuing to lose weight and it's so discouraging. In high school I used to wear a size 2 or 4. Now, depending on the brand, I wear a double 00. My hair is falling out because of my stress. I haven't slept during the night in... I don't even know how long. I'm constantly tired. Exhaustion hits me like a great tidal wave and I am powerless to stop it. I expect now to crash during the middle of the day on my couch, only to wake up at 11pm and be wide awake for the rest of the night, and, if not wide awake, then in an out of nightmares and sleep paralysis. I have thought about leaving my job, but the idea of job hunting during a pandemic, and while I'm in school... it just makes me feel even more stressed.

I need a break, but it feels like there's nowhere to go to escape. I fantasize about some great adventure, going somewhere I've never been, but I also really miss my family and I'm scared to go home to visit.

This post doesn't really have a conclusive ending. I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed. Any prayers/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[someone-worth-racing-for]

Carlos Sainz on Facing Change

Carlos Sainz walks us through how he handles change

A love for motor sports has turned Carlos Sainz (Madrid, 26) into a successful driver, but it didn’t come easy. His career was defined by change, having made his way to Formula 1 through different categories, and having joined Scuderia Ferrari Mission Winnow in 2020 after driving for three other F1 teams, in a sport that, much like himself, is always moving forward.

Up next, Sainz walks us through how he handles change in a high-pressure environment and how important flexibility and adaptability have become in the modern age or racing.

How are you feeling now that you have several races under your belt as an official Scuderia Ferrari driver? 

I’m feeling good. Obviously, the more races I do the better I feel. I think there’s still potential to get better as a team just by working more time together, but in general I am very proud of the progress we’ve made so far and of how quickly I have managed to adapt.

Have these last few races helped you gain confidence? 

Yes. Like I said before I still feel, that there is potential for improvement. Confidence is very high, and I think as a team in the last few races we are starting to put the whole weekend together, and as the season progresses this will be easier and easier.

You have changed teams before, both within F1 as well as other racing categories, how was this latest change different to the rest? 

Obviously, Ferrari is the biggest team I have ever worked with, and a much bigger organization than what I was used to, so it makes the challenge more difficult in general. But thanks to me moving to Italy, thanks to the good welcome everyone has given me, it has been very straightforward, and the adaptation and atmosphere have been very good.

What did you do to prepare yourself before joining Scuderia Ferrari? 

Honestly, nothing special because I believed that when I arrived in Ferrari I was prepared for the challenge. Had I thought I wasn’t, I would not have taken the decision to join. I feel I was ready and prepared, having gained experience in all categories prior to Formula 1 and then having a good career in it has prepared me well for this challenge.

What were the most challenging aspects of changing teams? And what about the easiest change to get used to? 

The easiest was definitely getting used to Italian culture and people. Spaniards and Italians are similar in a way. I love the food, the people, and I find it very easy to get along with everyone around me. The most challenging aspect was probably adapting my driving style to the car and change my way of doing certain corners and some other bits. Also probably getting to know the whole team and the way the team operates.  

Have you developed any rituals or routines when faced with such a large challenge to your life and career? 

I know that what I was doing before joining Ferrari worked well, so my goal was to simply bring my work ethic and methodology into Ferrari, and so far, it is working well.  

Formula 1 isn’t a stranger to change. The sport itself changes every season with new tracks, changes to existing tracks, new regulations and different setups. How does it feel to be part of a sport which is in constant evolution?  

Formula 1 is the pinnacle of sport, of motor sport in general, and the most beautiful part of it is that every season there are new challenges, every year that goes by the car changes, the engineers come up with clever ideas, and drivers come up with different ways to drive and to explore the car potential. 

So, do you enjoy the fact that the sport is changing so much every season, or in some cases even every race? 

I like it, I enjoy it. I think it is part of Formula 1, the constant evolution and constant change. And it is the way it should be, because everyone in Formula 1 wants to get better and better every race that goes by and make our amazing sport not only quicker and faster, but also more sustainable and more equalitarian. In that sense, Formula 1 is developing well.

How important is flexibility and adapting quickly to changes in Formula 1? 

It is part of the basics of Formula 1. You are in constant evolution, so you need to always be open-minded to change some things and try to improve. This is why Formula 1 has been evolving for so many years and it’s always been a pioneer in so many aspects and so many things, and it is why Formula 1 is the pinnacle of motorsport.

Do you believe that change in Formula 1 is always good?

It depends. If it’s for the better, then yes. There have always been changes for the better and changes for the worse. What’s important is to identify when there have been changes for the worse and be open-minded enough to realize it and to change the approach and go back. There shouldn’t be any blame culture of pointing fingers. As a group it is always important to realize when a wrong direction has been taken and how to come back from it.

Are there any changes in the sport that you struggle to adapt to? If so, what did you do to help you overcome these difficulties?

The greatest challenge we had to face was Covid and having to adapt to all the new procedures, the new travelling restrictions, the use of masks etc. This was the biggest change I suffered in Formula 1 and in life in general. What is interesting to see is how everyone got used to it super quickly, and how resilient the human species is to suddenly adapt to a completely different situation. I struggled with it, but I also got used to it. This said, I cannot wait to go back to normal life.

Change isn’t only limited to Formula 1. Do you believe that dealing with change so often in racing helped you also tackle changes in your normal life?

I guess so. Since in Formula 1 you’re always exposed to changes and development, you are probably also keener to see all the challenges the world is facing. It makes you maybe a more resilient and open to change outside Formula 1.

Is there something that despite all the changes, remained a constant in your life? If so, how important is it to retain some sort of constant during a period of change?

I have always had some pillars in my life: keeping my family as close to me as possible, first of all; doing everything I can in order to stay healthy and keep the people I love as healthy as possible. Once you have those two things covered everything else is less important. I obviously have my Formula 1 career, where I’m trying to be as successful as I can, but my priorities are quite clear.

You have won over a lot of fans during your racing career, do you feel like their support has changed over the years?

Definitely, in particular since the Netflix documentary came out. I think it opened the eyes of a lot of non-Formula 1 fans, also in the US, who suddenly realized that they can enjoy the sport not only on track but also off track. They can see how the athlete, the driver, behaves off track to perform at such a high intensity in such a high-pressure environment. It has given us a lot more fans, a lot more following and it has opened up Formula 1 to a complete new fanbase.

Hearing him talk, there is no doubt that Sainz’s approach to change is a positive one, and special brand of discipline has helped him evolve in his career and opened his mind to become more resilient and more perceptive, both in and out of the track.

[losingitinjersey]

We’re going to ......................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................ ........................................................................................................... Philadelphia!

Say what?!  Definitely not a location we anticipated or even really considered going to which is what makes Match Day all the more exciting!  You never really know where you’ll end up!!  

But FIRST, we’ll spend this next year locally for his intern year and move in spring/summer of 2022 to go to Philly for the next four+ years!  While this program was much further down on his rank list than we anticipated dropping to, it was still in the middle and we’re really excited about this next adventure!!  Neither one of us have ever been to Philadelphia before but everyone we mention this to always has some kind of connection to the place and they’re all positive stories!  It’s also important to note that I’ll be less than 3 hours from my sister and only an hour and a half from @zerocarb!!!

The great thing about this set up is it gives us a year to get familiar with the idea and we can spend our time finding a home to buy or rent in a good neighborhood before going.  It’s also close enough (5 hours) that we can drive and look at places in advance so we don’t have to buy/rent something sight unseen.  

The not so great thing about our current situation is that even though we’re staying local, we still need to move out of our current home asap because the landlord is in full swing ready to sell.  Like, is listing the home next Friday (my birthday) with showings starting on April 1st.  Super lame.  

Now that we FINALLY know what’s happening, I spent all of Friday night searching the area trying to find acceptable homes to rent as quickly as possible.  Most of the rentals aren’t available until May 15th or June 1st which definitely isn’t fast enough.  Friday night I contacted four properties and have only heard back from two (but at least I’ve heard from two!)  Thankfully, one of the places who I’ve been in communication with is my current top choice.  While it’s not as nice as some of the other places, the cost is more reasonable and the commute is FAR better for Kevin (went from 35 minutes to the hospital down to 10 minutes).  We have a tour scheduled for Tuesday at 3:30 p.m. to see this home.  We already submitted a rental application in advance just to help move the process along since we’d love to sign a lease starting April 1st (you know, TWELVE DAYS from now) so we can gtfo before people start touring the home.  

Before the call with my landlord this afternoon to fill us in on their timing, I had no idea we’d be saying goodbye to this home we adore so quickly.  I *knew* it was coming but it’s always hard to reach an ending.  I’m not a fan of change and, boy oh boy, is change all around us right now (new job, new home, new city, new baby).  

It’s interesting, I’ve been so focused on the excitement and what it means, looking up houses and just being on full blown planning mode (yes, of course I made a spreadsheet with 11 categories all ranked by preference, price and distance) I haven’t really had time to process.  This morning I had a song stuck in my head so I decided to play it to fully enjoy it and the next thing I knew, two seconds into the song, I was sobbing.  Not sad tears by any means, but just letting go.  Mourning the loss of this home, my walking route, my neighbors, my grocery store, everything I’ve cultivated and loved the last four years.  The song?  Take A Chance on Me, by ABBA :) Not really a song that should elicit such emotion.  It was good though, healing.  

In other news, my mom is here :) Not my dad, sadly.  He got "a little bug” from his recent 10-day trip to Haiti that he took to do some mission work.  Whhhyyyy he went to Haiti the day after getting his second vaccination dose and returning only four days before his trip out here is beyond me. Stupid, big-hearted man. Hopefully he’ll feel better soon so he can join my mom sometime this week.  My mom only just arrived at 5 p.m. tonight so the 30 minutes she got to spend with erp was just so precious.  We weren’t sure how erp would react to finally seeing the person she video chats with every day in person but she was so freaking pleasant and charming and just GOOD for her.  I can’t wait to see how they’ll interact together tomorrow!  

Speaking of tomorrow, we’re going to an open house for another house I’m not that into (but I need options just in case).  While we’re on the peninsula we’ll drive by the house we applied for and a few others I’ve identified.  It’ll be a nice trip for Kevin and I while my mom and erp hang.  

To make a long post even longer... Backtracking to yesterday (seems so long ago), Match Day was amazing.  This really is the most important day of a med student’s entire four years - way more so than even graduation.  I’m glad we opted to do the in-person option.  Seeing all the faculty SO freaking stoked to celebrate Kevin, congratulate him and just cheer over my husband was so inspiring.  I actually teared up a lot from being so overwhelmed with the appreciation and affirmation he was receiving (thank goodness for the mask covering half my contoured face).  

What was equally special was that he got to show off erp for the first time.  Holding her with such pride as he strutted through the lines of faculty and volunteers.  Having people oooh and awwhh over her is an experience we rarely get to have in this covid world.  Apparently erp was clinging so tightly to him!!  She’s never been around so many people, lights, sights and sounds before.  She didn’t cry or make a fuss at all but definitely clung to home base.  

We celebrated by picking up cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory and reveled in the exciting news of the day.  We keep stopping each other and exclaiming, “We’re going to Philly!”

All in all, we’re excited!  We’re stressed.  We’re taking action and leaning on each other.  Looking forward to this transition part to be over but trying to enjoy the journey while we’re on it.  Thank you for riding along with us :)

[fuck-customers]

i’ve been working at [NAME REDACTED] for about a month now. it’s my first “real” retail job and i knew before how bad retail is and how bad the customers are but you really can’t know until you’re in it. the store’s target demographic is karens (and they all look the same — if i get put on greeter i often struggle trying to tell if someone has been in here twice or not). a store full of average customers is bad enough but when they’re almost all karens? just awful. without further ado i will now complain about everything bad about working there.

-i consider myself lucky if a customer walks in wearing a mask properly

-the rest of them? under their noses, on their chins, or just none at all. it’s gotten to the point where the sight of an entire human face or even a nose gives me a physical reaction of disgust. i don’t know how i haven’t gotten covid yet

-customers coming to my register immediately when they see the customer before them leave, like motherfucker did you not hear all the cashiers calling the customers up when you were in line? i have to wipe down the counter for your nasty ass, give me time to do it

-the people who get pissy at me for advertising the rewards card. like sorry bruh if i don’t advertise it to you my manager will just get pissy at me instead. lose-lose. fuck the reward cards in general, i’m tired of trying to sell them just for management’s approval. also it’s very obviously a shit deal for the customer i don’t blame them for not wanting to sign up

-i am not allowed to go on break or clock out if there’s a line. sometimes there can be a line continuously for a looooong time. the other day i had to stay 30 minutes past when i was supposed to get off because the line didn’t die down. fuck customers get out of my store

-customers who come in with kids. i love kids and i think they’re adorable but i guess karen spawn are built different. they cry incessantly (not their fault, but goddamn if you as a parent don’t know how to get your baby to stop crying then you probably shouldn’t be a parent), they leave messes and spill shit everywhere, they don’t wear masks (even some of the older kids, like 10 year olds), they fuck up my display at the register, and also the baby clothes are a pain in the ass to bag because they’re always attached to the hangers and hangers don’t do well being bagged.

-customers who leave their carts in my line. the registers are all in one row along the back wall, if they leave a cart i have to walk all the way around the end to get it. and they always have to leave them when there’s a huge rush and i don’t have *time* to run and put it away.

-i’m actually not allowed to tell a customer to put on a mask, even though store policy says all customers have to wear one at all times (with the exception of people with medical conditions that necessitate not wearing a mask). the only thing i’m allowed to do is offer a mask, if they refuse i can’t tell them to put one on or else i’d get fired.

-starting pay is $10/hr and i probably will never get a raise

-seriously it is so disheartening to work an hour and only make ten dollars. actually less than that because of taxes

-there are no full-time entry level positions. the only people who get full time are management. i wanted a full time job originally but at my interview they told me that and i said “that’s fine as long as i can get around 30 hours a week” and they said “yeah you’ll probably get 25-30”. my average has been 20.

-i’m like 99% sure there are no full-time cashiers just so they don’t have to pay us benefits

-one of my supervisors is so overbearing and talks down to me and all the cashiers my age. she gets on my ass for taking too long to tidy up my register between customers, likes to just stand right behind me, is more strict about not letting me go on break when there’s a line, and is the one who gives me the most shit for not selling enough reward cards. when i do get a reward card she jumps in halfway through to “help” even though i don’t need it and then takes half the credit for my card that i sold. i mentioned it to another supervisor and she said “yeah i’ve been noticing that” but i know nothing is gonna change.

-customers who say “bless your heart”

-customers who need everything wrapped. it is so unnecessary, i can just bag the breakable stuff individually and you’ll be fine.

-relatedly, customers who need large bags for things. they’re on the bottom shelf of the counter and it takes more time to bend down, get however many bags, and open them all. the bags are harder to open than customers will ever know. you don’t need your lamp in a bag just carry it 50 feet to your car you lazy fuck

-markdown bitches (they always only get 10% off too, like did they really think they were gonna accomplish anything)

-i’m tired of walking by the security camera with a screen showing the feed and seeing how my entire body looks when i walk. not anybody’s fault but i just hate it

-being on greeter and having to wipe down everyone’s carts. i don’t hate the act itself of wiping the carts down but i do hate when customers touch and put back a cart that i just cleaned

-not something bad but i find it funny that since i’ve started working here, now whenever i’m the customer somewhere i do my customer service voice at whoever’s working

as much as everything sucks it could be much worse, i’ll probably work here for another several months. most of my coworkers are cool and make it bearable. working here has also made me feel bad whenever i enter a store and i always try to be a breath of fresh air for the people working there (in my experience it is so relieving to get a good customer and it’s usually people who also work in retail, i love being able to drop my customer service voice and talk to them like a normal person) but uhh yeah if anyone has any advice on how to be better when i’m the customer lmk

Submitted by @officialcooldyke edited because store name was too close to real name.

-Rodney