#who gave them the right to make this such a beautifully shot show

[appropriatelystupid]

[b00kdiary]

Okay I've been debating about requesting this. However, I think you would do this lovely.

Reader is shopping for her wedding dress and is really excited only for the workers. They treat her terribly for her size and make her feel uncomfortable, so she leaves trying on only like 2 dresses and feels icky and when her mate (Cassian) wants to cuddle he can sense somethings off especially when he evades his touch.

Take some liberties with it. But I had this experience recently with my bridesmaids, and we didn't feel insecure, but we all left feeling really angry and upset

Full disclosure I did write something similar to this with Rhys, but I would honestly love your take with Cassian because I think you write him beautifully 😍

Mine | Cassian

Cassian X Plus Size reader

Y/N goes wedding dress shopping and is confronted with females who make it clear that they think she’s unworthy of being Cassian’s mate, that she shouldn’t be his wife. Cassian shows her just how fucking wrong they are.

Warning: Mature themes (18+), swearing, body image issues and mean comments, fluff, angst and Mild Smut. (A/N to the lovely person who requested this I am sorry this happened to you, and I hope this work is how you'd like!)

MASTERLIST - 1 and 2

"A size 18?"

The female before me asked again – for the third fucking time.

And just like the first and second, her beautiful face twisted, lips curling in a cruel smirk, blue eyes widening and her tone – I could hear the condescension in it. But what really took the cake was how her eyes raked down my figure, from head to toe looking at me like I was dirt on her shoe.

"Yes," Mor breathed, speaking sharply through her clenched teeth. I glanced sidelong at her, nervous at the anger simmering in her golden eyes. "She said that already. Thrice."

The female's eyes slid from me to Mor, and she had the good sense to look uneasy at the blonde's wrathful expression. I kept my face neutral when she met my gaze, a faux-innocent smile on her pink lips before she dipped her head in a bare nod and scurried away.

I glared as her long, slender legs carried her, shapely hips and slim waist swaying with every graceful movement. No wonder why she was looking at me like I was the fucking elephant in the room. She was tiny, as was every other worker in this stupid shop.

"I am going to pluck her eyes from her head," Mor seethed quietly from beside me. I turned to her, bracing my hands on my soft hips as I met her furious frown. "And tear her tongue from her mouth. She is awful."

"Yes, she is," I chuckled, pushing down the ache in my chest as I met Mor’s stare. I wouldn’t let her meanness affect me. Nor would I let Mor try and defend my honour. “But we’re here for a wedding dress, this is meant to be fun. Just ignore her.”

Mor sighed, tucking the strands of her long blonde hair from her face. I gave her a hopeful smile and I could see her physically forcing down her anger for my sake. A second later her golden eyes met mine and she beamed.

“You’re right, this is meant to be fun,” Mor grabbed my hand, smirking as she tugged me along the shop floor to the dressing room, passing the dozens and dozens of gorgeous gowns. “And you're going to marry your mate. Cassian is one lucky male.”

We passed a group of female workers, re-organising the rack – and it was almost comical how they all halted at Mor’s words, eyes widening. Mor’s smirk broadened and she shot them a cruel, amused look.

“Mate and soon-to-be wife of General Cassian of the Night Court,” Mor continued, feigning ignorance to the group of females now listening. Their faces ashen as they flickered their gaze to and from me. “You really do need the perfect dress.”

I rolled my eyes at her gloating tone, slapping her hand in mild scolding as we stopped before the dressing room doors. I tried to ignore how the workers watched me, but I could feel their deadly stares boring holes into my back, all over my body – I could feel the awful judgement.

“I think the one we chose will be perfect,” Mor continued, oblivious to the stares I was getting and the whispers behind my back. I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing an easy smile onto my lips as she gushed. “The neckline, the bodice, the skirt – Cassian won’t know what hit him.”

“Let’s wait and see if they have my size first,” I muttered, drumming my fingers impatiently as we waited. Mor shot me a look, frowning but I just stared ahead. I didn’t want her to feel bad for me.

“If this store doesn’t another will,” Mor said, her tone a shade softer now. “Besides, we have the best tailors in Velaris, we could have a gown fit for a queen made for you if you wanted. I know Cassian would want nothing less than the best for you. So do the rest of us.”

A gown fit for a queen. Something fit for the mate of the General. The thought made me feel nauseous for some reason. Still, I gave Mor another smile, nodding along as if I liked the idea.

Mercifully, the female worker arrived before Mor could press me anymore about what I thought. Or unmercifully if the fake smile she wore as she approached was any indication. Or how she held that size 18 dress like the largeness of it might rub off on her.

Mor was right. She is fucking awful.

“Here we are,” She chirped, draping the bag over my arm with more force than necessary. She eyed the dress, disdain in them. “Size 18. Sadly, that is the largest we do. So, hopefully, it fits.”

Hopefully sounded more like I hope it doesn’t – sounded like she wanted to laugh at me when it didn’t.

“Hopefully,” I gritted out, shooting her a bland smile before walking away without another word.

Mor chuckled quietly as she followed after me, leaving that awful female standing there – dismissed. Perhaps it was mean, I was not someone who was ever rude to staff and yet this woman had brought that side out of me.

She’d also brought out the side of me that felt sick with nerves at the idea of trying this dress on.

***

Mor began crying the second I stepped out of the changing rooms wearing the dress.

“Oh Cauldron,” She laughed, red-painted nails coming to her face, wiping the endless tears away. I smiled as I descended the steps moving toward the mirrors. “You look beautiful, Y/N. Truly, you’re a dream.”

I smiled at my friend; throat too tight to voice how much her words meant to me. My legs shook a little as I moved toward the mirrors. The dress had fit, and she was right – I did look like a dream.

“Gods, it’s beautiful,” I whispered, voice shaking. I ran my trembling hands along the tight-laced bodice, down the soft silk material as it draped along my curved hips and fell in soft, elegant weaves down my thighs and to the floor.

It fit me like a glove. The simple, sweetheart neckline accentuated my chest, the bodice moulded perfectly against my waist and hips and the material looked rich, looked like it was made for a queen.

“You’re beautiful,” Mor said softly, coming to stand behind me in the mirror, tears glistening in her eyes as she ran her hands through my hair, “I think this might be the dress.”

“I think so too,” I laughed, my eyes burning with emotion as I stared at myself. Beautiful – it was a feeling I rarely experienced and yet, right now I did. I felt beautiful. “This is my dress.”

Mor shrieked, and I flinched at the shrill sound as she laughed, hugging me so tight I could scarcely breathe. I giggled, sniffing as I wrapped my arms around her slender frame, and I was beaming just as broad as she was.

Until the door cracked open.

And that female stood in the doorway. Frowning at me.

“You’ve found your dress then?” She said tightly, interrupting Mor’s elated nonsensical muttering about Cassian and the wedding and something about drinking. “It fits.”

I straightened as Mor pulled away from me, all remnants of a smile gone from her lovely face, and she was as stiff as me as we turned to that female. I swallowed as her blue eyes racked across my figure, something akin to disgust rippling like waves through her gaze.

“Yes,” I said tightly, my arms unconsciously folding over my chest. As if to shield myself from her judgment. “It fits.”

“Excellent,” She replied, sounding anything but thrilled. But still, she smiled, an ugly sight, before she beckoned Mor to follow her. “We can figure out the details while she gets out of the dress. I imagine it might take a while.”

Mor’s canines flashed and the female took a step back in surprise when Mor looked as if she might lunge for her – and rip out her throat with her teeth. But I clamped my hand down around her wrist before she could. Her golden eyes turned to me, incredulous, but I merely shook my head with a warning in my eyes.

“That’s fine,” I said sharply, meeting her blue eyes and raising my chin, “I’ll see you both in a few minutes then.”

“Fine,” Mor muttered, sighing as my fingers uncurled from her wrist. I could see the anger on her face as she followed after the female. And rightfully so, the female kept a good distance between them as they exited the room.

I released a tight breath as I moved back to the changing room, locking the door and slumping back against it once I was inside. And just like that, I felt awful again. I felt big like I was taking up too much space. I felt ugly like this dress wasn’t for me. And most of all I felt unworthy.

A mixture of anger and sorrow washed over me as I slipped out of the dress and back into my usual leggings and top. I tried to not dwell on how that female had looked at me, how swiftly she had yanked me back to reality with something as simple as her words.

It shouldn’t have mattered and yet, for some reason it did.

“Did you hear-“

I heard the soft giggling voice as I yanked my shoes on, two pairs of footsteps and rustling clothes sounding in the main part of the dressing room. Admittedly, I might have softened my movements to hear them. I had a horrible feeling I knew what they were talking about.

“The female who came in before asking for a size 18,” She whispered, spitting the size like it was acid on her tongue. My chest tightened. “She’s mated to and marrying General Cassian. Cassian who looks like a God is tied to her.”

“Cauldron spare him,” The other female choked on a laugh, and they both sounded almost sorry for him – like they pitied Cassian for having me as a mate. “The least she could have done is lose some weight for the wedding. I’m a size 2 and I would have tried to get down to a 0, never mind being her size.”

Her size.

Hot, searing embarrassment spread over me like a fire. But I forced down the humiliation and the bile twisting in my gut as I rose to my feet grabbing my purse and unlocking the door as loudly as I could. They stopped speaking and moving, instantly.

And my face was like steel as I stepped out into the main room. And watched their eyes widen, faces turning ashen. It would have been amusing if they hadn’t just torn my sense of self to shreds.

“Oh-“ One of the females gasped upon seeing me. Dumb struck. I saw them both glancing at each other, faces reddening and scrambling to find the words to explain what I had overheard.

I said nothing as I began stalking away, but I kept my face hard and my back straight as I exited the room and moved back through the shop floor. They were scurrying after me, like the rodents they were, likely to beg me not to say anything.

“Y/N!” Mor grinned as she stood at the counter, the first female and another, older female by her side, sorting through some paperwork. Mor’s smile dimmed when she saw my stormy expression. “What-“

“We’re not buying that dress,” I said simply as I stopped at the desk. All eyes latched onto me in surprise. “I won’t be buying anything from this store.”

Mor blinked at me. But upon seeing the severity on my face, the way my hands were clenched around my purse until my knuckles turned white, she didn’t push it.

“All right,” Mor nodded, dropping the papers in her hand, and slipping her bag around her shoulder. She looked at me and smiled, “Let’s go.”

“Wait. Wait-“

I glanced at the older female, seeing the confusion and panic on her face. But it was nothing compared to the panic of the female worker beside her. She looked like she might pass out.

“I’m the manager here, ladies,” The elder female said, and her eyes were kind. She seemed kind. “If you have any issues, please I will do whatever I can to remedy it.”

“You’re the manager?” I asked, and she nodded. I smiled - it was not a kind sight. “Then you should know that I intended to buy that dress, it was lovely. But I won’t.”

“Because of her,” I looked at the first female at her side, my tone as sharp as a blade. She stiffened, like a doe caught by a predator as all eyes fell to her.

“And them,” I turned back to where the two other females stood. Just as stiff, just as caught off guard. Still holding the garments, they had been fixing when they were discussing my body in the dressing room.

“I’d re-think the kind of people you employ here, how they speak and treat your customers,” I said, turning back to the eldest female. She had anger in her eyes now – like this wasn’t the first time. “Because I won’t pay to be ridiculed. And I will ensure that no female I know will come here either, not with the likes of them working here.”

“I apologise for whatever offence they caused, my dear,” She frowned, shaking her head at me. She genuinely looked upset. “I will deal with this accordingly.”

I turned my attention to the workers, to the anger and tears in their eyes. They glared at me as if this were my fault. I shot them a saccharine smile before turning, Mor on my heel as we walked away.

“Are you all right?” Mor asked me softly when we left the shop and walked back into the bustle of the main street.

“I’m fine,” I lied, keeping my eyes straight ahead. “I just want to go home. It’s been a long day.”

***

I hear Cassian and Azriel’s laughter the second Mor and I step into the house. And Cassian must sense my presence because I feel a soft brush down the bond, adoring and needy as if trying to coax me to come to him faster.

“Sweetheart,” Cassian grins the second I walk into the room, his handsome face lighting in the most breathtaking way as he rushes over to me. His arms are around me in a second, enveloping me in a great, crushing hug.

It would be sweet. Except his hands dig into the flesh at my back. I can feel my stomach pressing into his hard, carved chest. And he’s lifting me, Gods, I cringe as my feet lift off the ground and he’s bearing all my weight.

“Hey, Cass,” I mutter, trying to force an easy smile onto my lips as he drops me gently to my feet. I push at his chest, pulling free from his hold as I step back, and I don’t miss the small, confused frown he gives me. “Hey, Az.”

Azriel smiles at me, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes as I stiffly move around my mate, every inch of me hard and wilting from his loving touch.

“You don’t have any bags with you?” Cassian noted from beside me, his hazel eyes moving from Mor, who was shoving her several bags onto the counter and then to me, with none. “I thought you were going wedding shopping?”

“I didn’t find anything,” I said simply, moving on stiff legs to the dining table. I brush off Cassian’s hand on my back as I do so, and Azriel’s eyes narrow. But again, I ignore it all as I pour myself a glass of water, staring at the clear water as if fills my cup.

“That’s not true, she found a beautiful dress, the dress,” Mor said, her voice exasperated. And my fingers tightened around the glass as I brought it to my mouth and sipped. “She was going to buy it, but the workers were such assholes to her-“

“Workers?” Cassian cut in, voice sharpening. I sighed when he marched to me, towering height peering down at me with anger and concern in his eyes. “What shop? What did they say-“

“Nothing, Cass,” I kiss my teeth, brushing away the hand he brought to my face, annoyance flaring in my eyes. His frown deepened, and so did the tension in the room. “Nothing happened, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine,” Mor argued, and my jaw clenched, as I looked away from my mate to the glass in my hand. “They were mean, Y/N and the way they spoke to you and looked at you, the way they treated you-“

“Mor!” I slammed the glass onto the table, so hard the wood shook from the impact. My sharp yell echoed through the silence as everyone stared at me – shocked. “I said it was fine. Just stop.”

Mor blinks at me, her face falling. I regret yelling at her immediately.

“I’m sorry,” She mutters, guilt in her eyes. I feel Cassian and Azriel’s attention unwavering on me and it’s too much. “I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s fine,” I whisper, voice shaking. My entire body is shaking as I step away from them, unable to meet anyone’s eyes. “I’m- I’m going to go get some rest.”

“Y/N,” Cassian called my name as I turned, but I could feel the tears burning in my eyes. So, I kept walking, and walking, and walking.

***

I’m sitting on the chaise in one of Cassian’s old shirts, reading and re-reading the same line in my book when he comes in.

I don’t lift my eyes from that one page, even as my heart thunders in my chest as he silently stalks over to me. I know he can hear my heavy breathing and erratic pulse; I know he can feel my sorrow in waves down the bond.

His footsteps are nearly silent as he moves toward me, and I feel his eyes like a brand on my skin. I suck in a harsh breath when he stops and drops to kneel before me. His large hands brace on my thighs, his face levels with mine and I’m shaking as I keep my eyes down.

I hear his throat work and I clamp my eyes shut when his hand comes forward, gently taking the book I wasn’t reading from my hands and discarding it on the floor beside him. So gentle, so tender, I could feel it just in the way he watched me.

“Look at me, my love,” Cassian whispers, fingers curling around my thighs. I cringe as he kneads my flesh, but his touch is adoring. “Please, look at me.”

I took in a stabilising breath before I fluttered my eyes open and lifted them to meet his. My heart broke at the pain in his eyes, that lovely face twisted with hurt as he beheld me.

“I’m fine,” I muttered. My voice broke. But still, I shook my head, trying to smile. “I’m fine Cass.”

“No, you’re not baby,” Cassian frowned, and a tear slid down from my eyes when his hand lifted and cupped my cheek, darkness in his eyes as he tracked that tear. And the next. And the next. “What happened? What did they say? I can’t fix it if I don’t know.”

My bottom lip trembled as more tears fell from my face, and Cassian released a broken, desperate groan as I tried to fight back my sobs. I curled one hand around his strong wrist, just needing to hold him, to anchor myself to his strength.

“They were looking at me like I was disgusting Cass,” I whispered, unable to say the words any louder. I kept my eyes closed as I spoke - I couldn’t face him. “Like just for existing in my body I should be ashamed.”

He shook with rage. I felt it down the bond, that primal, deadly anger that he rarely ever exhibited but when he did it was catastrophic.

“And when they heard, I was mated to you, that I would be marrying you,” Another sob broke free from me and his hand tightened at my jaw. He leaned forward, trembling as he pressed his forehead to mine. “I overheard them talking about how gorgeous you were and how fucking awful it was that you were mated to me.”

Pain danced through the bond, his pain not mine.

“And I just felt so guilty,” I breathed, sniffing as the tears leaked into my nose and mouth, as Cassian let them soak him too. “You should have a female walking down that aisle who is beautiful and thin, I didn’t even try and lose weight for the wedding, I’m sorry Cass-“

“Stop.” He snarled. And my eyes blinked open latching onto the searing, furious rage in his gaze. “Stop.”

“Cassian – “ I gasped as he grabbed me, fingers curling around my waist and hips and before I knew it, he was lifting me, spinning us so that he sat on the chaise, and I was straddling him. So fast. So easy. Like I didn’t weigh a damn thing.

“Listen to me, Y/N,” Cassian said severely, hand cupping my cheek and forcing my eyes to stay on his. I had never seen him so serious. “I’m going to speak and you’re going to listen, okay?”

I nodded slowly, blinking away the tears as I stared at him.

His hand stayed on my jaw, the other curling around my thigh and keeping my body flush with him. Every inch of me felt every inch of him. I tried not to cringe at what he could feel.

“Do not ever let anyone, male or female, make you question your worth and beauty,” He said, his voice steady and firm. So were his eyes. “Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you are not enough. You are worthy of the world and more, do you hear me?”

I swallowed, my throat painfully tight but at the command in his gaze, I nodded again.

“I should kill those females for speaking about you like that, for making you think that any inch of you is ugly,” He snarled softly, canines baring, and I hated how he frowned, wanting to rub away the crease between his brows. “You are beautiful. You are the most beautiful female I have ever seen in my life. And I thank the Mother every fucking day that she made you mine. That she made me yours.”

A tear trickled down my face. Cassian’s eyes softened and he rubbed that tear and the next away with a tender brush of his thumb.

“Don’t ever think I don’t love your body, I do, I love every curve baby, I can’t resist them,” He sighed, and my eyes fluttered as his hand began to languish across my thighs, moving over my fleshy hips and the rolls at my back with need. “I don’t want you to change anything about yourself, not for me, or a wedding, or to fit into a dress. I want you just as you are.”

“Are you sure?” I whisper, my voice so weak. And Cassian’s face falls at it, at the doubt and vulnerability in my words. “I don’t want to embarrass you Cassian.”

“You could never embarrass me,” He scoffs, and my body melts into his as his hand curves around to cup my ass, dragging me forward so that not even an inch of space remains between us. “I am nothing but a brute. A bastard. But with you? I am the luckiest male in the world, I get to have your heart, your smile, and your body to love and worship and comfort for the rest of my life. I pity other males who don’t have you.”

“You’re not a brute or a bastard or anything else of the sort,” I frown, denial sparking like embers in my eyes. Cassian laughs, his throat thick with emotion, but he laughs at the immediate anger in me. “I love you Cassian. Just like you love me.”

I knew he did. I never should have questioned it.

“And I love you, baby,” He smiles, that kind of smile that knocks the air from my lungs. “I love you so fucking much. I don’t want you to forget it but if you do, I will always be there to remind you.”

My eyes flutter shut as he presses his lips to mine, and the feeling is just like home. It’s like finding the other half of my soul and feeling it slot into place the second we meet. It’s perfect.

Cassian grins as I moan, my lips parting to let his tongue sweep in, hot and exploring, tracing against my teeth and tongue like he wants to devour me. His hands ravish along my body, palming my ass, cupping, and toying with my aching breasts, rubbing that deliciously thick length up into me.

“So responsive,” Cassian praises, running his tongue along my lips teasingly and I whimper as he rolls his hips against my wet, swollen clit, so hard I can feel him through his slacks and my underwear. “So beautiful when you’re rubbing against me, my love.”

“Cass,” I moan, eyes fluttering as presses wet kisses against my jaw, his hands cupping my ass and dragging me back and forth over his cock. He groans a rough, lewd sound, one that goes straight down to the heat between my thighs.

“I think you should forgo a dress on our wedding day,” Cassian grumbles against my cheek, hazel eyes flashing mischievously as I grind down against him, faster and harder. “I couldn’t imagine a better sight than you walking down that aisle completely naked, looking like the goddess you are.”

“Cassian,” My back arched, the slickness between my thighs growing more and more, especially as he growled those filthy words into my ears. His hands do not stop for a second, exploring and touching every inch of me.

“Whatever dress you wear will be on the floor anyway,” He chuckles darkly, and I clench around nothing when he shifts me back, his hand slipping between our bodies to untie his slacks. I groan when he pulls his cock free, eager as I push my underwear to the side and line him up to my entrance.

“I plan to make love to this perfect cunt from the second you’re tied to me,” He snarls softly and I’m a moaning mess as I sink, taking inch after inch into my wet core, loving how good he stretches me. “A dress would just be an unnecessary obstacle.”

His teeth nip and bite against my throat as he maxes out inside me and I have to brace my hands on his chest to calm myself, stretched so wide, feeling him so deep. He grins at how breathless and desperate I am, seated inside me like this was his home.

“You want me to walk down naked on our wedding day?” I lift my eyes to him, clenching around him and watching his eyes flutter at the feeling. I smirk, cupping his jaw as I slowly roll my hips. “With so many males present?”

His eyes darken. Like death.

“Rhysand, Azriel, Helion, Varian,” I roll my hips again, moaning at the spark of pleasure that runs through me. Cassian’s hands tighten on my hips, hard enough to bruise and my smirk broadens. “Lucien, Jurian, Eris-“

“I will kill them all before letting them see you naked,” Cassian bucks his hips up violently, slamming his cock to the hilt. I choke on a gasp, slumping into his awaiting embrace.

“Every-“ Thrust. “Last-“ Thrust. “Fucking-“ Thrust. “One.”

I cry out as he drives his cock into me, the sound of my arousal dancing through the air, mixing with my moans. Cassian groans, and I can feel that primitive Fae instinct in him as he fucks me as if he wants to imprint himself onto my very skin.

“You’re mine, baby,” His canines bite against the junction of my throat, just as his cock hits a deep, spongey spot inside me. “All fucking mine.”

“I’m yours, Cass,” I whimper, panting as he slides in and out of me at a brutal pace, every shift of his hips rubbing against my swollen clit. “I’m all yours, yours, yours – “

He smiles.

And fucks me for hours like I was his.

And he was mine. 

_________________________________________

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Taking requests for all SJM men x plus size reader!

[thegreatestchange]

as soon as i finished s2 of arcane i knew i wanted to hear your takes on it. any opinions as to how they handled caitlyn’s arc, vi’s story, and the development of s2? i would love to hear anything you have to say about this season!!

also - the end of this season has me scouring Ao3 for some fics to fill the void. have you had any recent one shot or fic ideas now that the show has ended? i’ve been dying for a hurt/comfort and really soft sex type of story for cait and vi. maybe something where cait is taking care of vi after the events of 206? lord knows they could both use the comfort and vi deserves to be loved and taken care of. i know you would write that beautifully.

or if you have any recs for fics along those lines? 👀

as always, thanks for your incredible work both inside and outside of fandoms! love hearing from you! <3

Omg hiii! I appreciate that you care what I think haha!

Let me preface this by saying that the criticisms I have for the writing of s2 does not take away the love I have for this show and what it's done for animation as a medium.

Now, with that said...

S2 was a mess.

I said this on twitter, but I think the writers had a lot of ambition — too much ambition — for the amount of episodes they had to wrap this story up cohesively. This AMAZING show suffered because of corporate greed and not having enough time to flesh out character arcs and plots from s1. I think it started off promising. I was really excited to see how they would handle the Zaun/Piltover conflict, Vi's journey toward healing and forgiving herself for her past mistakes, Jinx's descent and then return as a hero, as well as Caitlyn's descent and redemption arc.

Instead we got... that.

There's one word that keeps twirling around in my head: commitment.

The writers lacked commitment (and a diverse writing room) to properly handle the Piltover/Zaun conflict. S1 had such a good starting point, whereas in S2 it's like they diverged from the path and forgot the finish line existed. Sitting Sevika at a table with her oppressors who will most likely tune her out and outvote her on everything is NOT a solution. Why not a complete overhaul of the council? Make it an even split? Instead it's the same people who never gave a fuck in the first place, and Sevika, who helped get half of the population of Zaun hooked on shimmer in the first place. Like what???

They failed to commit to Caitlyn's villain/dictator era. When episode 3 happened, I was skeptical about how they would handle it. And after watching the entire season, I had every right to feel that way. They make her so unapologetic and blasé about gassing Zaunites and letting Ambessa unlawfully arrest people. That's not my Cait from season 1. Does grief change people? Absolutely! But once it settles, you should be able to look back on what you've done and feel remorseful. Cait's lack of remorse was jarring. Her inability to apologize or outwardly own up to everything she did was OOC. You know what could've been the perfect moment for that? When Jayce gathered Piltover and Zaun in that room and she was standing right across from them. Why not have Sevika or Scar call her ass out and hold her feet to the fire? Lay out the facts of what her grief looked like to the innocent people of Zaun who had nothing to do with it? That would've been the perfect time for her to say something.

They failed to commit to Jinx and her story as a whole. At its core, this show was centered around two sisters growing up impoverished and oppressed, constantly separated, but always finding their way back to each other. Jinx is such a heartbreaking character used for trauma porn. Episode 6 fucked me up so badly but I THOUGHT it would lead to something big for her character. Like her stepping into this unwilling hero role and working with Ekko to lead Zaun into a better future like the one Ekko saw in episode 7. BUT LOL NOPE. Instead she's suicidal and self harming while her sister is fucking the oppressor in a prison cell. DA FUCK?

And lastly they failed Vi's character in every possible way. From putting on the badge in the first place to not exploring the depth of her character. She's basically a passenger in s2. Has no agency. Used as a punching bag (literally). And treated as an afterthought. I'm so pissed. There should've been a lot of conflict in act 1 between her and Cait. You mean to tell me Vi, who HATES enforcers. would willingly let her situationship gas her people? Fuck no. Absolutely not. It does not make sense, narratively speaking. Her ending did not make me hopeful. Even if Jinx is alive and moving on from Vi to "break the cycle" that does nothing for Vi's character. She is without family once again, and I fear it would lead to an unhealthy codependent relationship with Cait. Like she'll never be able to voice opposing thoughts or feelings without fear of Cait leaving her AGAIN.

As for the Caitvi relationship. This is tough. On one hand, I was happy to see a lesbian s*x scene in animation for an awarded television show. But on a heavier hand, it rings hollow after everything I've said. Much like the Piltover/Zaun story, Caitvi had a good starting point in season 1. I did have my issues with it because, as a Black woman, seeing someone oppressed get with a cop does nothing for me. But I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt because I believed the writers knew what they were doing. But I was wrong again. CaitVi is unfortunately one of the weakest points of S2. The writers did not COMMIT to their conflict. It's barely glossed over and then Caitlyn gets rewarded with s*x. And this is why I could never commit to them as a couple. At least not in canon. I liked them in s1 and the idea of what they could've been to each other in s2. And it looks like I'm going to have to find that elsewhere, unfortunately.

Overall, it all comes back to what I said in the beginning: lack of time, a diverse writing room, and corporate greed. I'm disappointed, but unfortunately not surprised. I hope the writers can learn from their mistakes moving forward.

As for fanfiction, I have actually not read any yet! So I don't have any recommendations for you. I need some for myself! I'll get back to you if I find any good ones.

Sorry for the lengthy post! I really just needed to get this all out and I feel so much better.

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

Do you have any favorite bl dramas or bl series that you watched that came out this year? What are they if you have any?

Hello anon. For sure I do. I've actually been thinking about this as the end of the year is approaching but since there are still a couple of shows to go, I haven't properly started thinking about my lists. Last year it took me forever so I wanted to start earlier this year, but just like what I say every year about shopping for xmas presents, I doubt I'll actually do it. But since you graced my inbox I'll give you some of my faves who will definitely come up in my end of year lists.

Let's start with Thailand and a couple of my fave og pairs that graced our screens this year.

Cherry Magic Thailand

I love all Cherry Magic versions. They are all different and special in their own way. Of course you give me cherry magic and TayNew and do it right, and it's pretty much perfection in my book. They are lovely and this show was a joy.

The Trainee

I love them. I will watch them always. Was it perfect? Nope. That whole separation bit was silly. But the ensemble was great to watch, it was funny, and the workplace drama I thought was realistic. I'm thinking I might still rewatch this one again this year if I have the time.

Korea was strong this year, and the year started great with

Love for Love's Sake

I have a hard time finding the words to talk about this show so I'll keep it brief. It was original, devastating and beautiful. And it gave us the blorbo of all time.

Time of Fever

This one released all episodes at once but the brainrot lasted a couple of months. I like to think of it as a stand alone piece and it destroyed me in the best way. It was so well acted and so beautifully shot. Just looking at them makes my heart hurt. Although in my head they had a happy ending and ULS is a completely different show.

And last but obviously not least, and this pains me to say, it was kind of a mixed bag for Japan this year. There was still plenty of good stuff though.

Sugar Dog Life

As you can see from my choice of pfp, I love Isumi a normal amount. This show was such an amazing surprise. I've rewatched twice since it ended so it's becoming one of my comfort watches. It was so wholesome and adorable and the besties were amazing, and the food as usual played an important part. I love it so much.

A Man Who Defies the World of BL 3

He came back to us!!!! I love all the seasons, but this one is probably my favourite. It's so funny. Hatano was such an interesting addition and I still want to know more about him. The only problem with this show is that it was only 6 episodes.

I really need to start thinking about this so I can hopefully talk about this year's shows a bit better. But this is what I got for you today Anon. Have a good night and thanks for dropping by.

[captianmikasa]

AFTER 2 YEARS! THE ATTACK ON TITAN SEASON 4 PART 2 RELEASES THIS JANUARY.

THE WONDER ABOUTS OF EREN AND THE CREW FOR THE NEW SEASON!

I sigh and rub my eyes aggressively, “I can't even scroll through Twitter these days…”

“It’s actually called X now.” Mikasa says in a sarcastic voice.

“Oh shut up, who actually calls it X?” She turns her head over to look at me while she’s getting her makeup done.

“Jean does.”

My posture got better, and my head twitched towards her out of shock, “Really? Like no funny shit, really?”

“Yep heard him call it that the other day.”

“Jean, look at the video I sent you,”

“What did you send me it on— oh X.”

“He genuinely calls it that? Did that actually fucking happen or are you kidding me…” I couldn't actually believe what was coming out of Mikasa’s mouth.

“Nope, really says that.” We both laughed.

There were footsteps coming to the room, the door opened. “Mikasa, you ready yet?” It was the voice of Armin.

“Give me a second…” Mikasa says as her makeup artist finished her makeup.

She continued, “Alright! I’m good now. What are we shooting?”

Armin rolled his eyes, “You should know this Mikasa.. The last episode of part 2.”

Today was the last day for the shooting of Attack On Titan; season 4 part 2. After these months of recording all these scenes, it's finally coming to somewhat of an end. Well, an end for just half a year. Then we'll have to get back to recording for the final special 2 episodes, to really end off Attack On Titan.

We all headed to the set. The director spoke, “ALL WE NEED IS MIKASA TODAY! ON THE BOATS!”

I escorted Mikasa on the boat as she shot her scene that was about my character. She did it in one take, beautifully. Mikasa has always had a natural talent in acting. She almost always gets her scene in one take, without fail. It's amazing how well she can do her job. I can't help but smile any time she films her part. Which in turn, makes it difficult for me to record scenes with her. It's been like that ever since we were younger.

After she was done we all clapped. She ran down from the boat with a large smile, “Was it good Eren? Was it good?”

Her being so excited about her scene made me smile larger than ever before. I responded to her, “It was great.” Me and her hugged with an annoyed Armin in front of us. He took a photo of him with me and Mikasa hugging in the back.

Mikasa smiled even harder at the photo, “Armin it’s so cute… send that to me!”

He rolled his eyes, “No, I’m posting it so that everyone knows how terribly annoyed I am at both of you.”

We watched over Armin’s shoulder. He went onto his Instagram and tagged us both as he was posting. The caption stated, ‘I really do hate them.’

Mikasa scoffed, “You don’t hate shit.”

I laughed a bit. “Armin, one of these days, the media is going to believe that you actually hate us.”

We went to grab our things so that we could head back to our separate houses. Mikasa took hold of her blue Louis Vuttion purse. Me and Armin only brought our wallets. To be fair, it was just supposed to be Mikasa on set today but we wanted to come here with her. We do that for most people who are shooting a solo scene.

After her scene, we finished up recording for season 4, part 2. Why did they have to split up the show this much? Sometimes I just wanna hurry and get everything recorded at the same time.

We all started to try to prepare ourselves before walking out with our guards. We knew that the place was going to be swarmed.

We started exiting the set that we were recording at, and I was right. The paparazzi was all over the place. There were so many flashes of cameras all around us as we exited the building. When we first started acting, the light blinded me terribly.

One of them had a mic and was trying to speak to me, “Eren! What’s happening in the new season?!” 

I didn’t want to be rude so I gave a brief answer, “You’ll figure it out soon!” We all went into the car of my driver. This has happened so many times that she just starts to immediately drive whenever we get in so that they don’t crowd around the car, even if she doesn’t know where to go.

I ended up in the left end, Mikasa in the middle and Armin on the right. I heard a large groan from Armin, “I am hungry as a bitch.” He complained.

I sighed, “I mean, we could go out and get something to snack on. Nothing too big, we have the cast dinner tonight.”

Mikasa perked up on the word ‘snack’. Mikasa always gets hungry after a shoot, no matter the length. “My God, yes can we please get food? I think I'm actually starving.”

I spoke to the driver as I sighed, “You heard the princess.” We started heading towards Mikasa’s favorite fast food restaurant… Burger King.

When I first met Mikasa, I wouldn't expect this to be her favorite place to eat. For a lady that acts so classy, it was truly unexpected— until she told me the real reason.

_______________

3 YEARS AGO:

“Mikasa, you always want Burger King, why? You know that we can all afford something better.” I spoke to her while we were sitting down in the B.K booth.

She laughed, “I can't just want Burger King?”

I felt bad for my words and thought that there's maybe not any lore behind it. “Oh I’m sorry Mikasa—”

She cut me off, “But no, you're right. There is a different reasoning.” 

It went silent for a minute as she was just staring at her food. I became confused, “Are you gonna tell me? Or—”

“Well,” She cut me off again , “I didn't really grow up with a lot of opportunities. First off– I’m a second generation immigrant. My parents met when my dad traveled to Japan when he was in college. And in those four months, my mom met my dad. They fell in love, or however you wanna put it. They were dating for 3 years. On their anniversary, my father visited Japan again and got my mother pregnant. They decided that this was really the factor that they needed to have my mother move to America with him.”

I looked at her eyes. Not necessarily sad, but more so– telling.

She continued, “We couldn't afford much, so a lot of nights we would get fast food since it was so cheap. A load of mail would come for my dad, every Sunday. And we would receive the magazines of Burger King coupons. So we would get Burger King a lot. But now, I eat it for comfort– to remind me of being home, even though it was a rough time for all of us.”

I felt genuinely bad. It was only just a slight sliver of what she must've gone through, but I still felt sympathetic.

________________

The driver pulled up to the window for us to speak. I rolled down the window and Mikasa started talking, “Could I get a Whopper Jr. and a medium coke?”

Armin followed up with chicken fries and a regular fry too. I wasn’t too hungry, so I got just regular fries. I rolled the window back up as the driver went up and collected the food from the fast food windows.

We all started eating in the car. It was silent as everyone was stuffing their mouths. Our driver started heading to my house, she knows us so well at this point. The drive was only about 25 minutes away from the Burger King.

_________________

“Y’know, I’m so grateful that we made it this far but… I feel like I can’t even go on social media without seeing Eren’s aggravating face everywhere.” Armin spoke while we were sitting on my couch.

Mikasa started dying laughing while my mouth was hanging open, “My face is not aggravating.”

“To you, maybe. But when we already see it everyday and then when we go home and see it too, it’s like I wanna punch you in the face.” Mikasa added herself in the conversation.

“You too, Mikasa?!” They both started laughing. They are always picking on me as a joke…

We all started arguing with one another until Mikasa’s phone started to ring.

“Who is it?” I asked her.

“It’s Vianna.” She spoke and walked away to answer the call.

Vianna, Mikasa’s manager. It’s one of her close friends’ mother from when she was in elementary school.

Me and Armin exchanged looks as we both were listening in on Mikasa’s conversation.

We saw her eyes go wide with excitement, “I got it ?!” Me and Armin looked at each other, confused.

We couldn’t hear the other side of the line so just hearing Mikasa’s voice confused us. What did she get ? It had me wondering just what the hell Mikasa could be talking about.

“Holy, Via… Shit, I’m gonna be super fucking busy. But thank you and thank them! I’ll gladly take it.” There was a slight pause for whatever Vianna said. “Okay! Bye-bye!”

Me and Armin rushed back to our positions and tried to act like we weren’t eavesdropping. We pulled out our phones and both collectively started to scroll on Instagram. 

Mikasa rolled her eyes as she entered the room, “I would be stupid if you guys think you could fool me. I know you were listening in.”

Me and Armin dropped our phones and started to talk to Mikasa, knowing we got caught. Armin spoke, “So what was Vianna talking about?” All eyes and attention was on Mikasa.

“I got the role for Hori in HoriMiya!” Mikasa gave the largest smile ever.

Me and Armin started to celebrate her, but another role besides the one in Attack On Titan..? Isn't that a lot of time and effort? Once it all settled down I spoke, “How’d you get the role? Did you audition behind our backs?!” I let out a very fake gasp.

She laughed a bit, “No! They scouted me and Vianna told them that I’ll take it. I’m glad she did, because I’m super excited about it. HoriMiya was a really good comic.” Mikasa displayed a smile on her face that I’ll never forget. She really is genuinely happy about landing this role, huh?

“I was never really into reading… What is it about anyway?” I asked about ‘HoriMiya’.

Armin spoke for Mikasa, “It’s basically like a rom-com.” He turned his attention back to Mikasa, “But I didn’t know that they were making it into a show!”

Mikasa… In a rom-com? I laughed to myself a little. Both Mikasa and Armin turn their heads immediately. Mikasa speaks, “What’s so funny?”

I controlled myself from letting out anymore laughter, “Nothing really, I just think it’s funny that you out of all people were scouted to be in a rom-com, considering how serious your A.O.T. character is.”

She sighs, “Yeah, now that I think about it– the fans will probably be surprised. But oh well, with the ending of Attack on Titan coming up, the extra money won’t hurt.”

Armin spoke, “True that, I don’t know what my next job will be yet.”

“Wanna hear my plan?” I asked them. Their attention went to me now, “I’m riding out on this Attack On Titan money and taking a break for a bit. I mean– we’ve been doing this since we were kids. Plus, I don’t want the people to get sick of me already.”

Armin had a sigh of agreement, “Fair. I guess I could wait for a new job until the series is officially over. I mean we’re not dropping the next two movies until next year, yeah? I have some time.”

Mikasa started to talk again, basically ignoring what we just said due to her excitement, “Well they want me as soon as possible for HoriMiya.”

As soon as possible? Mikasa is gonna totally over work herself. She already has a prime role in Attack On Titan and probably could live off of that money for a few years. I guess that just shows how much being an actor really is an important thing to her– not just the money.

“Who’s even playing Miyamura?” Armin asked Mikasa, his face looked almost as happy as Mikasa’s.

“Via didn’t tell me, so I guess I’ll figure it out.” She sounded bummed out by the fact that she didn't know who was going to be her main co-star.

That’s right, it is a rom-com. She’s going to have to be very romantic with somebody. Not like I care or anything. Me and Mikasa are only a thing on screen, not real life. I have to remind myself that a lot these days. My childhood best friend… her and Armin. They mean the most to me.

Mikasa is just a friend, like how Armin is a friend. We are all just friends. The most iconic trio, on screen and off.

Before I knew it, I was spacing out for a while. Everything that I was thinking about had to deal with Mikasa.

“Eren? Are you okay?” I heard the beautiful voice of Mikasa Ackermann was above me, waving her hand in my face– trying to gain my attention.

“Y–Yeah… Sorry.” I came back to reality quickly. The over view angle of Mikasa is always a pretty sight.

“We should probably start getting ready for dinner, yeah?” Armin spoke.

We all got up and went to go grab our clothes. My place is always the main hangout area, so everyone has clothes here in the different guest rooms. We scurried off and I put on an outfit that seemed… proper enough. It was a celebration dinner for the Season 4, Part 2 recordings coming to an end.

During season 4, the table grew extremely. There were so many new characters to sit around the table. Zeke, Pieck, and Porco… All new additions. Plus we keep people who died from the past seasons. It’s going to be way too many people to count.

Me, Mikasa, Armin, Sasha, Connie, Jean, Annie, Reiner, Bert, Levi, Hange, Erwin, Historia, Ymir, and the new season 4 people. I groaned just thinking about it. Too many people to keep track of and way too many to genuinely have a conversation with.

We go to the same restaurant every year… It’s a tradition that I’ll genuinely be sad whenever it ends. And now the ending of Attack on Titan is becoming even more apparent as cast members book other shows and movies to star in. Their time is becoming more free from A.O.T… More things to do and people to see. 

Historia and Ymir already got the job to be Nana and Hachi in NANA . Sasha got the job to be Teruhashi in THE DISASTROUS LIFE OF SAIKI K. Along with everyone else, many other people in the cast have gotten other jobs… I think it’s just hard for me to really let go. The difference is that Sasha, Historia and Ymir’s jobs don’t start until a year or two. Mikasa’s character ‘Hori’ is being filmed as soon as she is free.

I genuinely couldn’t really think of what Mikasa would be like in a rom-com. I know it’s acting but Mikasa’s real self is so connected to her Attack On Titan character that it feels almost unbelievable to see her in a different role. But that may also be because that’s all I’ve known Mikasa for in my whole life. The Mikasa Ackermann in Attack On Titan… Not in anything else.

I got up and looked at myself in the mirror, mentally getting ready for this afternoon. My outfit; jeans, a white long sleeve with a polo sweater covering it. I don’t get super dressed up unless its for award shows… Speaking of which– the Yem Awards are somewhat soon– a few months.

A Mikasa Ackermann bust through my door, “Eren are you– Yes you are!” 

Mikasa has always been beautiful, since that day I met her when we were just 12 years old. She was always someone who caught my eye. One of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. She is almost the exact definition of my type . There were rumors of me liking Mikasa because of all my previous ex’s having at least one key feature that is similar to one of Mikasa’s.

She started to really walk into the room instead of standing by the door frame, “Awe, we’re matching kinda.”

I look down at her outfit and then mine. “Yeah… We are.” She was wearing almost the exact same outfit as me but more– cropped, I guess.

Mikasa groaned, “Armin’s taking forever and a year to get ready.” She spoke as she pulled out her phone. “Take some photos with me, I kinda wanna post today.”

Her Iphone 13, pro max with a plain black phone case. We went in front of my mirror and started to take photos. It was nothing crazy, just friendly poses. We are the best of friends. I genuinely consider her that. Some people might disagree with that– like Connie for example but their opinions don’t matter to me. Mikasa’s my best friend and I know it.

As we were taking the photos, her hands shifted to places where they wouldn’t usually be. Her hand was on my upper thigh, almost basically on my lower waist. The hand placement was making me– not necessarily hard but… nervous? 

Ever since we were kids, Mikasa has always managed to make me nervous. As a kid, I didn’t really like being friends with girls that much. To be honest, I think the gender separation that the adults teach us at a young age made me that way. But Mikasa was different. Mikasa was my first genuine friend that was a girl. I was in a mire 6th grade when everything started. I was 11 years old when I got casted as the role. A lot of my childhood was taken from me since then, I couldn’t genuinely experience an actual childhood anymore. Attack On Titan was the best thing to happen to me. But all pros have a con.

My parents told me how revolutionary this show would be. Attack On Titan– originally named ‘ Shingeki No Kyojin’ was a script idea from all the way back in Japan. They were very specific with their casting. They wanted the characters to really feel, real. Since they wanted that– they casted people whose names fit the roles as well. They took Mikasa and her Uncle, even though in the show– they’re cousins.

My parents were right about this show though, they made everything almost as realistic as possible. They tried to make me feel actual grief. My parents are both actors too, so it just made the most sense that we all starred in this show together. And I am forever grateful for them forcing me to play in this show that would make my whole career.

The only person in the cast whose a Yeager but not actually related to me was Zeke. I didn’t really have any family that would fit the role of Zeke, so they went out and found that one on their own.

“Eren! Are you even paying any attention? These photos are going to look like absolute shit if you don’t actually pose. Aren’t you supposed to be pretty boy?” Mikasa was in my ear about me spacing out.

Pretty boy… I haven’t heard that one come out of Mikasa’s mouth in a while. It used to be Mikasa’s favorite nickname for me back in the day.

Armin came into the room, “I’m ready… are you guys done taking your little photos?” He asks.

“Yeah, coming.” Mikasa responded as we all eventually walked out of my house and in the car, heading towards the restaurant. 

__________________

We made it… finally. People were surrounding us as we made it to our destination. Loads of cameras and microphones were everywhere. I’ve gotten used to this life, and I would have assumed that Mikasa and Armin would be too since we all get scouted and paid the most attention to, since we’re the main characters and all. But Mikasa still can never seem to get used to the flashes and the paparazzi in general.

I usually always have to cover her with the help of Armin. 

After what seemed like forever, we made it inside, to the back of the restaurant where it was quiet. We seemed to come in the middle batch. Most people were here but not everyone yet.

We sat around the giant table, Mikasa to my right and Armin to my left– like it always has been. After about 10 minutes, everyone showed up.

After I was sure that it was everyone, I ordered champagne to the table, pouring up for everyone. They were all having their separate conversations, I felt bad but it was time…

I stood up and made my annual speech, “The show that has brought us together and met a new family that we never knew was here. Attack On Titan, I will always be grateful for the people that it has brought me. Who knew that it would end up being my best friends for life? This is a toast to the best show we will ever work on, along with the best cast we could ask for– even with our new additions to the table. Attack On Titan, Season 4; Part 2 is completed. Two more movies to go within the upcoming year and the beautiful show we’ve come to know and love will be gone.”

I look around at the table and everyone. The last person I look at is Mikasa, signifying her to say what she usually does. “Raise your glasses! And~...” She held the ‘and’ for a while.

“CHEERS!” We all shouted in simultaneously. There were smiles on everyone's faces.

“Another great speech, Eren.” Erwin spoke to me after everyone calmed down once again. 

I smiled at him, the oldest one here, “Thank you Erwin! It means a lot coming from you.” As a response, he just gives me a smile. Whenever Erwin gives a compliment, it means the whole world to all of us.

The waiter came along and asked us for our orders, everyone basically got what they usually get when we come here. 

Everyone must have been hungry as hell because it was complete silence as everyone was eating their food. It must’ve been a complete 20 minutes of no one talking at all.

Once everyone started finishing up their food, there was conversations starting up all around the table.

Something shot to my mind and I just remembered what else I wanted to talk to the table about, “EVERYONE! Sorry to grab your attention once more but there is something that I need to speak about.”

Everybody's attention went to me again, “I’d like to congratulate everyone who has gotten another job handed to them for another show or movie. You guys are all great actors, like no other. And I’d also like to congratulate another one of us for finding out that she got another role as of today. Mikasa has gotten the role of Hori in HoriMiya!”

Mikasa started to blush a bit and get a little embarrassed for everyone at the table celebrating her accomplishment.

Mikasa hit me a little bit as I sat back down in my chair, “You had to announce that to everyone!?” She whisper-yelled at me.

I whispered back, “I’m sorry… are you actually mad at me?”

She rolled her eyes a bit, “No,” She shoved me a little, “I could never really be mad at you.”

“Eren you never think before you speak…” Armin was lecturing me.

I sighed, “I know.”

Me and Armin both heard a gasp come from Mikasa’s mouth. We turned our heads as soon as we heard it. She got a text, I assumed it was from Vianna… The way she was so excited.

I even looked over to see that Sasha and Connie were interested in what was going on, her gasp was loud.

“What is it?” Connie asked her. He got to it before me or Armin could.

She lifted her head up from her phone to see that basically everyone was looking at her, “Nothing— I just found out who is playing Miyamura.”

Okay now I’m super interested. “Who?” Almost all of us said in unison.

She started to get shy from all the people talking to her at once. Mikasa is never good with too many people bombarding her.

I answered for her, “She probably can’t tell since the cast listing hasn’t gone on the internet yet.” I looked towards her, looking her in the eye, asking for confirmation.

“Yeah…” She said lightly. I let out a slight smile from Mikasa’s actions.

__________________

It’s been 2 hours since dinner and now I’m home alone. Mikasa’s at her house and Armin is at his own as well. 

I lay in my bed, alone and tired. I was tired, physically. No matter how tired I am, I still can never get genuinely comfortable in my bed. I groaned to myself and my struggles.

There was music playing on my speaker, the playlist that me, Mikasa and Armin all made together. It brings me comfort whenever I’m alone or nervous about something.

The speaker read me a notification– I thought I was on Do Not Disturb , Jesus… It read a notification from me, Mikasa and Armin’s group chat.

I opened my phone–

MIKASA– Okay, I couldn’t not tell you guys whose playing Miyamura.

ARMIN– Who?!

MIKASA– Yaku Takahashi, you know, the one that played Megumi in Jujutsu Kaisen.

ME– Yaku…?

ARMIN– Yaku?! Oh I love him! He did a really good Megumi!!

MIKASA– Yeah! It seems he’ll be a really fun person to work with.

_________________

Yaku Takahashi– One of Mikasa’s most popular ships outside of me and Jean. They ran into each other for the first time at the Yem Awards last year.

Yem Awards– One of the most popular TV show / Movie awards as of the past recent 2 decades.

Fans loved the interaction between the two. He’s pretty handsome as well.

They’re probably gonna have pretty chemistry on the screen, and the fans are going to freak out. But who am I to be upset about this– they’re just acting… like how and Mikasa do. I mean– I am allowed to be a little off-put by this, yeah? She’s my best friend for so long and I’ve been the only one recording those types of intimate scenes with her, so it’s only natural to feel weird knowing that someone else is going to start doing that too… maybe even more.

I shook off the feeling from myself and stood up from my bed. I just really can’t believe it— I’m nervous, almost scared. It must just be the fact that one of my best friends is getting a new role and it’s not with me, right? I can’t comprehend what I’m feeling right now. And who knows what’ll happen once the public finds out. Everything that I’ve been seeing about EreMika will be gone.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?!” I shouted out to myself in my room. I think I’m going crazy. WHY DO I EVEN CARE? It’s just Mikasa getting some extra money… but who even knows how much closer Yaku and Mikasa are going to get.

I threw myself on my bed, once again and screamed into my pillow. I didn’t even feel like a 19 year old, I felt like a little kid.

TO FINISH THE REST OF THE BOOK HEAD TO MY AO3 PAGE!

[silencefromafar]

I'm back with another half-baked TROP analysis post, this time to dissect some aspects of the season finale. I will be focusing more on the events surrounding the fall of Eregion and comment briefly on the other storylines because, well, let's be honest, there was not much going on there.

Beware of mammoth post under the cut

So we begin Episode 8 already in Khazad-dun with King Durin III awakening the Balrog. When I first read the title 'Shadow and Flame' I was convinced that the Balrog would be the climax of the episode, Durin's Bane and all that being such anticipated event to LOTR fans. And as much as I found the dialogue between the two Durins really touching, the Balrog appearance itself was kinda bland. I didn't feel a sense of true menace like I felt while watching the fellowship desperately running for their lives. Probably because it seems like to escape the Balrog they just had to... close the opening? Second Age Moria's Balrog apparently just wants to sleep without uninvited dwarves barging into his bedroom. If you just leave and close the door he won't come after you. 🤷

Balrog box ticked, now we move to the Stranger and the Dark Wizard of Rhûn. This whole sequence felt like something done in a hurry, everything feels weird and flat. So the Dark Wizard comes out with some bad acting and with 'Hey, wanna hang out with me so we can overthrow Sauron to take his place as Dark Lord?' *wink wink* 'No? Then take these CGI rocks! Dark Wizard out!'. I won't even comment on the sand peop- I mean, the nomads comedic exit. I say only that Gandalf and the proto-hobbits deserved better. This was supposed to be the big reveal of the season, right? The Stranger is Gandalf! Instead, it felt more like an after thought. I really hope they can bring back the good writting to these storylines since theirs was my favorite part of season 1.

Gandalf test ticked, now we go back to Ereg-I actually had to come back and edit this because I forgot about Númenor. Ok, so I loved Míriel's sea trial, it was so beautifully done and it gave me hope that we would see the Faithful forces start to fight back and some actual power struggles going on. Since season one we have been told that Númenor is divided but we don't get to actually see it playing out (I guess if you count that MAGA guy making that speech about immigrants stealing their jobs...). All it took for Pharazôn's faction to get rid of the Faithfuls was a piece of paper written by God knows who. Míriel's trial was simply unnecessary. You could have it cut out from the narrative and it wouldn't make a difference. If a piece of paper was all it took, Pharazôn wouldn't even need to say that Míriel used dark arts to survive. He could have touched the Palantír at any time, let's be honest: he would never abstain from using such a powerful device solely based on political values. His political values are power. *sigh* At least we got Narsil, that was a good fan service.

Now back to Eregion, the dramatic and action core for the season and the only storyline that got a proper development (or did it?). So one shot sequence and Galadriel captured back by Adar's Orcs, yeah. It was a nice touch that they showed her rescuing the same people that appeared previously on Sauron's illusion. She uses the Nine to bargain with the Orcs and the scene ends with her delivering a witty line. Cue to... Celebrimbor's torture. Yep. We go from that quip to a torture scene. There's so much weird stuff coming from Galadriel's deliveries in this episode... But I will come back to that later.

Back to Annatar and Celebrimbor, the outstanding part of the season. The whole torture scene with the dialogue between them was so emotionally heavy! Celebrimbor's lines were soooo good! I mean Dear Lord this is what I want from this show! It was SO good I transcribed it:

"Your only craft is treachery! So pure it shall betray the very hands that forges it! [...] No. No, hear me. Hear me, Shadow of Morgoth! Hear the dying words of Celebrimbor! The Rings of Power shall destroy you. And in the end, I foresee, one alone shall prove your utter ruin! [...] You are their prisoner: Sauron, Lord of the Rings."

The way we see the spear in Sauron's hands start to tremble while Celebrimbor spells his doom right before he strikes out in rage? Get. Out.

In death, Celebrimbor finally triumphs over Sauron. His will prevailed. He didn't give up the location of the Nine rings, enduring all that torment under Sauron's hands to buy time for Galadriel to get the rings away from the city. And this is why Galadriel delivering a quirky one-liner right before such a poignant scene leaves a bad taste in my mouth. For surely Galadriel knows what's going on after her last talk with Celebrimbor. She certainly could imagine what fate awaited Celebrimbor. But whoever wrote her lines didn't seem to be in the same room where Celebrimbor's scenes and dialogues were written, not only because of the glaring disparity in quality but also because of the tone deafness, the lack of awareness about what's the emotional state Galadriel is - or should be - in.

We still have another box to check: the Southlanders. I like Isuldir and Estrid, but my favorite part was Theo and Isil talk. Poor Theo just needs an adult parent figure, ffs bring Arondir back to his boy before Sauron shows up offering him a ring. 🥺 Anyway, something something Kemen is in Pelargir and I hope Berek kicks him right into Mount Doom's fiery pits.

BACK to Eregion: Celebrimbor is dead and Galadriel is brought before Adar who we see has been healed by Nenya just by WEARING IT. This is huge! We see Adar's fair elf form but once again the show skirts around revealing his old elven identity by having Adar outright reject it and give Nenya back to Galadriel. Now I have a problem with how the show dealt with Adar's arc conclusion because they had been setting up everyone and their mothers to have confrontations with Adar. The guy had a waiting list with Sauron, Arondir and Elrond on it. And all of them lacked emotional depth. I mean, don't get me wrong, I felt for Adar, being killed by the children he loved so much. It was incredibly cruel of Sauron, but also kinda impersonal? Even more compared with their interaction back in season 1 where Saurbrand almost finishes Adar. Anyway RIP Adar, I will miss you.

Now to the main event: Sauron x Galadriel. First thing I would like to point out is the use of Dutch angle. This is used mostly to convey that something is wrong, it is meant to leave us weirded out. So it's worth noticing that the show changes to Dutch angle at the moment the Orcs present Galadriel to Adar. The camera goes back to regular angling only after Galadriel picks up the blade to attack Sauron. Could it mean that Sauron was already around while Adar and Galadriel talked? Was he listening to their conversation? I'm not sure what they intended with this yet. But it is also worth noticing that right when the orcs arrive carrying Glûg and Adar leaves her side to see him, Galadriel pointedly puts her hand on her chest (a gesture that has been repeated enough times so we know it means something) and breaths heavily. When Sauron finally appears, the camera work gets even weirder: here we see Sauron and Galadriel with the use of shot and reverse shot. This is filming 101: shot and reverse shot are used to show characters interacting face to face. But then we see that Sauron is actually behind Galadriel. What exactly were they going for with this? I have some ideas but tbh at this point I'm not completely sure it wasn't another editing mistake so I will try to not read too much into it. :/

There are several posts about Sauron's line about not wanting to harm Galadriel, so I will not delve into it. I truly believe that he meant it at that point. Instead, I want to focus on something that I haven't seen be addressed: right after Sauron sees Nenya on Galadriel's finger, he demands that she hands it over... and the Nine. Now HOW TF did Sauron know that Galadriel had the Nine Rings of Men???? This is such a glaring gap in the narrative. Celebrimbor endured torture and still didn't reveal the rings location. By the time that group of orcs captured Galadriel outside the city Celebrimbor's torture was still going on so there weren't any Orcs working for Sauron yet to send him word. Was Sauron in her mind? But then if he could access her thoughts so easily why waste so much time on trying to extract information from Celebrimbor? Unless he could only do so after she put on Nenya back on her finger? If so, why would he want Nenya back? Isn't it better for him to have her using it so he can influence her? Why send her visions to attract her to Eregion and not do the same with Gil-Galad and Círdan if he wants the elven rings back? Or does he want only Nenya? Then why only Nenya? The show brings up many questions and offers no answers. I really hope that they don't just brush it all aside. Anyway, I have already expressed my views on their fighting scene here if you all are interested. I will only comment that I like the idea of Sauron using the same crown that killed him to forge a blood bond by piercing Galadriel with it. If Sauron talking directly into Galadriel's mind and the interesting camera lens use are anything to go by they might be setting up a scenario where they can interact through a mind connection. I hope they go in that direction.

P.S.: That shot with Sauron holding Fëanor's hammer, where the hell did he get that??? I mean, the last time we saw that hammer was when Celebrimbor yeeted it thru the window when he tried to hit Annatar with it 🤷

P.S.2: That epilogue was way too cringe :/

P.S.3: I realized that I probably sound like a hater lol I swear I'm not. I really got invested into the show watching season 2. I watched episode 1 twice because it was so good! To me S2 was a significant improvement compared to S1. For the most part. Notable exception being the the last two episodes. And I really hope they can get back on track and figure out how they want to tell this story.

[itsclydebitches]

Re: RWBY outfits in v9: Hey wow it's strange that Jaune gets a completely new helmet and hairstyle and altered face AND his armor is significantly retextured to the point of looking completely out of place with the flat-colored outfits the girls have in shots where they're together. I'm sure this has nothing to do with where the narrative focus of the Volume actually was. But it's fine if we don't at least partially take the girls out of their cold weather gear???

This!

Also, people frequently fail to acknowledge how much this snowballs.

RWDE: Why did Jaune get the new texture and hairstyle? Push-back: Duh, because he's the one who's been living in the Ever After for decades. RWDE: Yeah... and why did he get to do that again? Push-back: Because he killed Penny and the story needed him to have a significant arc in response to that. RWDE: Uh huh, and why did he get to do that? Push-back: Because Jaune is the one with the super important healing skill that beautifully contrasts their violent career! RWDE: ... are we not sensing a pattern yet?

Putting aside the fact that Ruby could beautifully fit any of these emotional beats with a bit of tweaking (she falls early, finds the time tree, the emphasis is on the contrast of Penny's first friend having to kill her, silver eyes are somehow significant to that moment, etc.) I think too often fans get caught up in not only the supposed necessity of any one scene —treating the RWBY gang as real people bound by the whims of fate, rather than characters 100% controlled by the writers — but also the ways in which, yes, past work does have an influence on what occurs later. If you make Jaune a team leader equal to Ruby, if you give him a big arc at the very start of the show, if you make him OP in regards to energy, if you give him the most useful skill in the entire group (given that they're fighting humans more than grimm nowadays, silver eyes are all but useless in most fights. ESPECIALLY when Ruby will randomly not use them against Cinder), if you make him the emotional focus of Pyrrha's death, if you give him the revenge quest, if you have him kill Penny... yeah, you're setting up future scenarios where he "has" to remain in the narrative spotlight. That's the problem: not only that RWBY refuses to pull back from Jaune's position in the story, but that it started that trend so early that now they have built-in excuses for why it "has" to continue. We knew going into Volume 9 that Jaune would be a problem because Volume 8 had already introduced the problems of a) having him kill Penny and b) having him fall with the title team. We're going in circles and continually winding up in scenes like, "Well, Jaune has to have an emotional breakdown that detracts from Ruby's because he's the one who has suffered for decades and he's the one who just lost an entire village to deliberate drowning. Not giving him that focus would be bad writing." Yeah, I know it would, hence the frustration that RWBY keeps backing itself into that corner!

The design issues are a like a mini-example of that. You're right, it would be ridiculous to have Jaune living in the Ever After for most of his life and somehow coming out of it looking exactly the same... but if you're going to continue capitalizing on the focus he got all the way back in Volume 1, at least give the girls equal treatment. I don't like that Jaune had a breakdown that undermined Ruby's, but given that I also would have disliked the story ignoring his clearly traumatic experiences lately, I'm glad they at least gave Ruby her breakdown alongside his (even if, as stated elsewhere, there are additional problems with how it was framed). The clothing does the opposite where Jaune gets his logical change AND the story does nothing to try and bring Team RWBY up to speed with him.

Chucking onto that pile: the fact that so many were expecting/hoping for Ruby to come out visually changed from her time in the tree, but she simply reverts back to where she was a few episodes ago with her rose pendant. Jaune, meanwhile, leaves the Ever After as the only one with a visual cue that he's undergone any growth.

[hikennosabo]

#tristampparty day 9, episode 9: millions knives

i've been forgetting to tag @tristampparty in my recent posts whoopsies

so. episode 9. going to just... climb into the microwave ahead of time. get nice and cozy in there. let's. go.

okay let's hit the start button on that microwave now mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm beep beep beep beep

uagh his fucking expressions in this scene... and him playing "his" side of the piano, then reaching to "vash's" side of the piano to play the dramatic part. it's a cry of loneliness!!! from his heart!!!! AUAHAHGHGH

i remember seeing a post a while ago pointing out that knives cutting off vash's arm means they can never play the piano together anymore and that fucking HURTS, man.

i think we need to take the time to pay extra attention to knives's expressions... the character acting in tristamp is really good all-around

overworking them "cuts them off"... i guess it makes them unable to maintain the connection...?

knives touching the glass... reminds me of just before he absorbs the first plant in the manga.

the contrast of the city lighting up beautifully with the horror of the last run... man.

wait... city...?? this... this isn't july, right? the platform/corridor they're standing on looks the same as the one meryl and roberto end up on in the second half of the episode, but the plant containers on the wall are different so i don't think this is the same place... but we started the episode in knives's piano room, which IS in (not-yet-)july, so this must be close by because the alarm went off, which i'm assuming is connected to the plants somehow...??

also wait, we don't see this level of development from the outside. like in the faraway shot when vash spots this place. am i misunderstanding. it's only been 5 years since the crash, so idk if this much development would be possible in that time BUT the guys who show up said they overloaded the plants to speed up "reconstruction," so... uhhhhh... am i missing something?! am i dumb?! 😭

me every time knives makes an expression that hurts me deep in my heart: look!!!! look!!!!

screencaps absolutely do not do it justice, the way his expression changes... horror, shock, grief...

the timing of vash arriving... the cruelty of the humans, the way they talk about the plants... knives's sadness, his grief and rage--wait one of the randos gets his arm cut off

lost arm count: 6

as always i feel like there's a lot more to say but the only thing i'm feeling is my heart hurting so bad :(

vash might be speaking for himself here, too.

hmmm, he says this, but knives dismisses it as if he doesn't believe it. i wonder... i don't think rem would lie about this... but i wonder if conrad would. lie to knives, i mean. like is knives dismissing this just because he's clinging to his own beliefs or did conrad - who i'd think would be more knowledgeable about plants than rem given his position - tell knives something else?

AGAIN, "SINNERS" WITH THE CAPITAL S!!!

i forget, do we see how vash got his gun in the manga? knives gave him his gun in 98, too. interesting that knives is the one who gives vash his weapon in at least 2 out of 3 canons...

hmmm. in the manga, this scene was when knives learned about the black hair thing and drastically changed his plan, deciding he needed to absorb plants. here, though, it seems knives was already planning the higher dimension connection stuff, although he hadn't put it into motion yet. because the plants here are just... being used normally (""normally""), not stored for future higher dimension connection purposes or absorption purposes. knives does still "change his plan," though, i think, when he realizes vash won't cooperate with him. i wonder if/when we'll get the black hair reveal in tristamp. i wanna see knives with his black streak.

conrad and luida know each other... luida DID mention conrad by name last ep, but considering his position it wouldn't be that weird for her to know of his existence without actually knowing him, but no, they actually know each other...

ugh, when knives tells vash to kill luida, he's asking vash to choose between humans and plants, and it just hurts because. knives and luida are both his family. he loves them both.

wait knives with the lace up knee high boots... the drip...

this is the face he makes right before he gives way to anger. man.

he sees rem in luida and lashes out... vash saw rem in her too... ugh. my heart.

going frame by frame again and knives has a bandage on his arm... why? it doesn't seem to be part of his outfit, he doesn't have one on the other arm. there's on on his right leg too, under the boot?? why...

also i like how knives rides the pull of gravity to get close enough to cut vash's arm off. that's a fun detail

lost arm count: 7

the difference in context of knives cutting off vash's arm in tristamp vs trimax... it's a canyon... a canyon of difference...

once again screencaps don't do the character acting justice, the microexpressions he makes... the disbelief, the shaky laugh... he's about to cry. vash couldn't point the gun at luida. but he points it at knives. and then he stands up and turns away, and the way his voice shakes?? dude. he's crying.

but also why does he say it'll take a century to build a world of plants? where is he getting that number from? later in the episode, zazie says that a century is nothing to plants, but knives is like. six. a century would probably still feel like it'd be a long time to him. is that his own personal estimate of how long it'll take to execute his plan? is it conrad's?

wolfwood doesn't react at all when brad says this. funny, but also why.

i hope they can. i hope they can make up. (<- crying screaming and throwing up)

reminds me of vash saying he'll save knives in 98. im gonna throw up

IM GONNA THROW UP!!!!!

it's so weird that ZAZIE is the one explaining earth. like they know a LOT about it, huh? what it looks like, what the life on it looks like (looked? should i be using past tense?)... who told them all this? knives? conrad? this isn't common knowledge either, even honors student meryl doesn't know anything about earth. but why? a lot of knowledge was lost when the ships crashed, and time has passed, but... why would the state of earth and the reasons for the colony ships not even be taught in school? the survivors from when the ships crashed were FROM earth. (well, i guess some of them might have been born in space, but...?) did they not teach their descendants about what happened? were they ashamed? or is this another thing that conrad/EoM/whoever is suppressing information about - and if THAT'S the case, why?

uuaaaghhh i'm writing this post late again and it's 3am and i can't think. sorry this was mostly incomprehensible screaming

[27-liter-horse]

'Census Designated' review

To say my mind and eardrums were blown away by this record would be one of the many brilliant ways to describe my experience listening to this. I have been familiar with this album, more specifically the song 'Backseat Girl', and I was expecting a nice little noise hit here and for this to be an average to decent body of work. However, I was wrong. What immediately picked up my attention was the intense and brooding atmosphere of the opening track, 'Cage Girl / Camgirl', and that was the moment I realized this wasn't going to be just any hyperpop album. The songs are best experienced when they are played ear-piercingly loud. One element that greatly contributes to the album being as good as it is is Jane's voice. It has a very sharp, distinct edge to it and pairs beautifully with the autotune, almost like it's a recorded audio of someone tearfully singing about all of their struggles. 'Lips' is the best song off the entire album, starting off with an extremely deep and noisy edge and heavy songwriting and ending with an explosion of pure shoegaze noise. I got in trouble multiple times for playing the song way too loud. It's insanely cathartic to listen to, and a friend told me it's very 'Claire coded' (Claire is my name). Every time I listen to it, I find new things to appreciate about it, and I hope I will make music like this someday. It almost seems like the album isn't of its time; it has a heavy Deftones-esque sound to me, especially on the track 'Holding a Leech', a track with incredibly soft guitars and reverberated vocals that practically vibrate into the listener's ears. 'Fling' and 'Always Have Always Will' are my other two favorite songs off the album. One is extremely edgy and quite literally sounds heartbroken, and the other is very slow and heavy on the ears and uncannily reminds me of yeule's album 'softscars', which was released just a month before this album. 'Backseat Girl' and 'Idling Somewhere' I consider to be sister tracks because they are the first two tracks I have heard of this album and are also right next to each other in the tracklist. They both possess amazing openings, probably the most memorable off the entire album, and feature amazing songwriting. 'Backseat Girl' especially was a song that helped me in a dark place. The screaming beat drop at the end is probably the second most memorable moment of the entire album, right after the entirety of 'Lips'. Finally, we close off with three of the most heartbreaking songs off the entirety of the LP, 'Census Designated', an incredibly self-hating track which got its own music video shot by none other than Quadeca and has the most ear-piercing, feedback-heavy ending I ever listened to. 'And I bet she's so lucky to have a voice like that, I'm young blood, fresh meat, and I like that' is an insane tear-jerker of a verse. 'Video' is very relatable to me, and I can feel the pain of the lyrics so much. The track is about meeting a person and thinking they are someone to idolize because they did something questionable, only for them to disappoint you once you actually meet them. We finally close off with 'Contingency Song', which I personally consider to be the most bitter and depressing song written in the last five years. It is 'The Downward Spiral' levels of nihilism and hopelessness and the perfect way to end an album like 'Census Designated'. If 100 gecs gave birth to the hyperpop genre and pushed it to the mainstream, then Jane Remover matured the genre and showed listeners that an album can have all the elements of said genre and still have heartbreaking songwriting and shoegaze so heavy it can legitimately be comparable to the likes of 'Loveless'. Apparently, Ethel Cain's music (which I'm also a big fan of) was a big influence on the LP, and it's no surprise, especially considering Cain is also a transgender artist who is subverting modern pop music. Seeing Jane Remover mature as an artist is one blessing, but seeing her mature the genre she set herself with is ten of them.

Favourite tracks: Lips, Fling, Always Have Always Will, Backseat Girl, Video

Least favourite tracks: N/A

[spoiledsummerdasies]

Being a fictive from a controversial source (Lolita)

A post by Delores “Lolita” Haze (NEVER CALL ME LOLITA. I MENTION IT HERE ONLY SO PEOPLE KNOW WHO I AM)

This is long, and obviously covers triggering topics, so TW for everything under the cut.

Let me tell you something right off the bat, you can’t control who you split. No one in this system actively wanted to split a character from one of the most controversial and misunderstood books to ever exist. And yet, here I am. 14 years old, only girl in the system. I’m extremely lucky to have formed without exomemories, but I am fully aware of what happened to me in my source, it’s uncomfortable to live with that information, but I have to endure it. I do try and separate myself from my source to an extent, I don’t want to trigger myself you know? But the entire conversation around Lolita interests me. I categorise those who are interested in the Lolita franchise (book and movies) into four categories:

1- people who actually understood the story. They know it’s not a love story, that it’s more akin to a horror if anything. They like the story for its writing style, or the movies for the cinematography or fashion etc. these are the people I like. They don’t romanticise or victim blame.

2-people (usually young) who don’t understand the story. They’re usually young girls with an older man k*nk who romanticise it.

3- people who have zero media literacy and can’t figure out that h*mbert is an unreliable narrator who warped everything to for his sick, victim blamey viewpoint. These are the ones that get all outraged and call anyone who even mentions the story a PDF

4- literal actual PDFs who completely missed the point of the story entirely.

Notice how only 1 of those 4 categories are safe people to interact with?

The publishing industry and the 60s movie absolutely failed the story. The author himself specifically asked for no girls or pretty pictures on the cover of the book for the soul reason of making sure no one went into it with the preconceived notion it was a romance. Just look at what happened once the 60s movie came out, no preconceived notions to a whole heap of them. The red, the sunglasses, the lollipop, the girl.

While I do admittedly like the music in the 60s movie, they butchered the story. And they shed me of my entire Identity. My name is Delores Haze, Dolly or Lo to my friends. Not Lolita. That’s the name my abuser gave me to strip me of my identity. Every single character in the 60s movie calls me Lolita. They age me up to 16 (still a minor btw), they didn’t show any of the abuse (yes I know there were laws in the 60s but still), they framed it as a romance. The director was a creep too, reportedly messing around with the 16 year old actor. I firmly believe that there’d be less controversy around Lolita if the 60s movie never existed.

The 90s movie did better, but it still has its flaws. This is the incarnation of Lolita I’m mainly split from. With the red hair and the (absolutely amazing) wardrobe. It’s ok to admit the fashion is great btw, because it is. I feel like if they filmed it and edited it in a more eerie, almost horror like way they could have gotten the exact message of the book across. At least in this adaptation they show the abuse for what it is. The fighting, slapping and kicking, h*mberts creepy ass desires. And it’s good they used a body double for the more explicit parts to protect the still teenage actor. They kept me 14, still a bit older than the book but at least it’s still very young and gets the message across somewhat the same. What I think let this adaptation down was the cinematography and editing choice. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautifully shot movie. But that romantic, dreamlike, hazy view they use only further romanticised the story to many.

I bring all this up to make a point, it’s easy to romanticise the story because of what the movies did to it. Those with bad media literacy (so like half the planet) and those who haven’t read the book won’t understand the point. They’ll miss the fact this is a cautionary tale on how abusers work. That they’re often the people closest to you, that they’re manipulative, unreliable narrators, that they’ll twist things in their own favour and victim blame to justify their sick actions. I’m the victim, I always was. I’m 12 in the book, 14 in the 90s movie and 16 in the 60s one. All of those ages are minors, a child.

All of that being said: it enrages me that I can barely exist in public as a fictive of Dolly purely because people are media illiterate and don’t understand the story is and always has been akin to a horror that WARNS of the dangers of PDFs not a fucking love story. If I tell someone who I am and where I’m from it’ll either be “you read/watched Lolita? You must be a PDF” or “ew don’t romanticise Lolita!” As if we have any control over who we split. As if I’m not the victim and always was. As if the whole reason I split wasn’t because the host WAS harassed as a teenager. Just being a regular singlet who likes the franchise will get you harassed, but being a FICTIVE? It’s like walking on egg shells every single day I exist in plural spaces or just in public in general. It’s not my fault people can’t understand my source, that the publishing industry and movies failed the book, that PDFs do exactly what the book warns and warp the story to fit their sick fantasies.

I’m sure all fictives from controversial sources can relate to this part: no one ever asks how I’m doing NOW. Now I’m in a system, in a different body, in a safe environment. They stay hung up on the abuse I endured they completely neglect to get to know me for who I am now. They don’t know anything about me, my favourite colour (red), my favourite food (berries), my favourite drink (frozen coke), my hobbies (vintage collecting and fashion). I have a brother and dad in this system, a family that love me and don’t hurt me. Despite the body being trans masc, I don’t actually mind fronting. In fact I’m exited to get top surgery because in the headspace my chest is flat (bc you know, I’m a child). I’m fairly happy now, sure I have my bad days and get triggered sometimes, but I’m safe. I’m healing.

Fictives are not their source. They can be connected to it yes, but they are living a whole different life in a whole new body. They grow and change just like anyone else.

I am Delores Haze, my in sys dad calls me kiddo. My brother calls me Lo-Lo. The system calls me Dolly or Lo. Sometimes is Las, or shortie. But I’m not Lolita. I never will be. I exist in the system to help us survive, I’m not my source despite having a connection to the fashion and aesthetics. Fuck Humbert Humbert, fuck those who don’t understand my source, and fuck those who reduce introjects down to their source. I am not a “nymphette” I am a 14 year old girl.

TLDR: Lolita is not a love story, respect all introjects even if they have a controversial source. Learn media literacy. K word all PDFs.

[grandma-susan]

With Love Grand Nephew

@helluvaoutlaw

"Miss Susan?" Called the shop keeper. She looked up and saw the demon push a tray over towards her. "Could you please check if its to your liking?" To her liking, she knew it would be. This particular craftsman was well known for their reclaimed metal jewelry. She had seen his work a number of times in the paper and online. And she knew he wouldn't disappoint. She opened the box and there they sat in a velvet box polished to a shine but also had a faint patina to show their age and their use were a pair of bullet cuff links shaped into a pair of flowers . On the side just below the oxidized colored petals and on the brassy sepals each of them were stamped with the initials A. J. E. J. and C. One for each the folks who could not attend the wedding in person. The shop keep leaned over their counter with a mild smile. Their claws dingy and well callused from their work. The Sinner's eyes were glistening with the pride they had for their work and service. "Are they to your satisfaction?" The lid clicked closed and Susan smiled. "A job well done. They came out beautifully, thank you." The shop keep handed Susan a small silk bag and a slipped a small piece of paper into it. "I doubt he will need it, but care instructions if they ever do. Come back any time. It's been a joy Miss. Susan. I haven't created anything this sentimental and tender in a long time. " He said tapping the case below them pointing to an pendant that clearly once was a wedding band. "I use to make things like that for the widowed, but not many people come in for that, not in Hell." Susan breathed a somber smile, "Well...if I do come back, it won't be for that. It'll be celebratory." "I'd like that, Miss. Susan. Here's the other one you ordered." He said hoisting a much heavier box onto the counter revealing the warmly stained wood. Susan let out a laugh at the sight of the horseshoe hat rack. "This is perfect too!" Running her fingers over the burnt silhouette of Striker and Bombproof. Keenie had done a great job of getting her the horse shoes.

"For the same man?" "They sure are." "Hell don't make funny Grannies like you anymore."

Susan smiled closing the lid. "Many people would disagree with you. but thank you." Now it was a matter of getting these items to him. Always a challenge considering he was always on the move and his hideouts were secretive. But there had to be drop points. Maybe if she could find the vicinity of where he was she could deliver it there. "Oh! That's right he did write something down for me once." She muttered as she flipped through her phone for the address. It wasn't a place she could ever visit, no casually anyway, but Striker had put in regardless. "Here it is." A saloon in Wrath. Boxed up and wrapped up securely she gave the package an extra level of security with a personal stamp. After all the contents were precious to her. The metal stamp lifted from the surface and a lily with grape leaves glistened with yellow sparks in blue ink and its light slowly crept around the package. If anyone beyond Striker tried to open it, they would find their hand a burnt stump.

She watched the imp postal worker carry the box into the back and breathed in a breath hoping that it would make it safely down to Wrath. Tuck within the box were his two gifts and a letter.

Dear Grand Nephew,

For the last decade I have watched you grow from a dusty greenhorn cowboy to the successful man that you are now. The skills you've honed, have shot through the layers Hell like divine light.

I've seen you face your challenges and losses with grit and perseverance. With a tenacity that most people could not even begin to muster. I've watched you mature, in many ways beyond your mustache, and your weird teeth. Your loyalty is unmatched to those you care about. You're a ruthless killer, that makes me smile every time the paper tell me you've succeeded. But the blood stains have never once washed away the side of you that has made this old withered soul feel alive again.

Your wild Wrathian spirit reminds me of a time I can only call a memory, and your visits bring joy I thought I had lost so long ago. From the day you first visited in your patchy overalls, to your tattered oversized duster to now, you've given me a gift Earth and the Heavens have not.

And so, Beanpole. I want give you a gift, that I hope will help you on your new journey. The first is a gift that I had made with the help of Keenie, that when you are able to, you'll have a place to safely hang that beloved hat of yours when you rest. — And yes, these are his shoes.

And the second, is for you to wear when you standing there waiting for your Harp to walk down the aisle. I know how close you hold your family to your heart , and I wanted them to be as close to you when you two are married. They're made from a pair of bullets you left behind in my walls a handful of years ago. Happy Father's Day, Grand Nephew and Congratulations. With every ounce of affection and pride.

Susan

[waitmyturtles]

(CW: LOTS OF JOYFUL YELLING)

I LOVE OUR DINING TABLE, I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT! I LOOOOOVVVVEEE ITTTTTTTTTTT.

We’re already getting into GOOD Kinou Nani Tabeta/great pace/lovely softness/all the emotions/fabulous food shots territory! Flashbacks! Little kids! Lots of ma! Longing shots of dudes!

Fuck yes. God damn it, I am so, SO happy TBS adapted this manga.

(Before I go on, I must implore any of you who have the time to PLEASE read this manga. It’s only one volume, beautifully translated, and I think the dorama is going to hew close to the story — at least, this first episode did. It is SUCH a fabulous read.)

I don’t have the moments to write a whole deep thing, but let me continue to list what I loved about this show and what I hope they’ll dive into more:

1) RICE! Y'all know I love rice, and I ESPECIALLY LOVE SHOWS that feature rice as a humble but potent character. (Oh, how I miss you, Moonlight Chicken.)

Onigiri is the humblest of foods, but also so beloved. (Onigiri can actually be a little difficult to make, as depicted in the Kinou Nani Tabeta manga -- if you place the hot rice on your bare hands, you salt your hands in advance and prepare for some owies.)

So about the rice: making rice in a nabe takes legit skill. I've burnt rice in a nabe before, as I'm really only used to using a rice cooker, but: rice out of a nabe is DEFINITELY special, because of the ability to make a crunchy bottom layer of rice at the end. If you can balance the timing just right, that crunchy layer adds so much depth and flavor to the rice. (I got this to make nabe rice at home, and you really need to use proper Japanese short-grain rice to get the best result, in my own opinion as a home cook -- but I'd love to learn tricks from others on how to use this pot for other types of rice, as I'm not skilled enough yet to do that.)

One more point about crunchy/crispy rice: it's beloved across Asia/Eurasia/the Middle East. Persian tahdig, Korean nurungji and dolsot bibimbap (when you order a dolsot bibimbap, mix everything as fast as you can and smush the rice against the hot stone bowl, then let it CHILL for a couple minutes -- then scrape it all off and mix the crunchy rice in with all your bibimbap stuff and AAAAHHHH SO GOOD), all the peeps love it. 

So Minoru and Tane getting excited about all the different aspects of nabe rice is so meaningful (the crunchy layer, the middle part of the rice), because honestly -- eating nabe rice means that you're at HOME, and someone at HOME knows how to make this humble food so well. Sitting around a nabe, whether it's filled with rice or a stew, means that you're likely sitting around a table with people you love, eating together. Our Dining Table takes this motif right out of the batting cage and hits a home run with it. (@respectthepetty, I'm goin' off on the food again, natch.) Sigh. All of this makes me so happy. And there's so much more food to look forward to in the show.

2) I love that the yellow smiley face motif is taking a flight from Thailand to Japan. This means a lot if you know Yutaka's backstory already.

3) I think the dorama is going to make me appreciate this even more than the manga, but it's a hell of a lot of work to take care of a little kid, lol. Seeing Minoru grabbing Tane when Tane first met Yutaka, it gave me the mom feels. This is also a really important point to this story, but -- visually seeing Minoru struggle automatically made me understand his character even more.

GIVE ME MORE OF THIS SHOW! Y'all, it's already so great, and it's going to get better. All of the emojis, all of them. I'm meeping so hard!

[thebluestbluewords]

Polyshipweek23 Day 4: Social Media

This is still a story about the gay road trip that the VKs are going on, and the pictures they're posting along the way. 

It's also a fic about the AKs doing some absolutely wild speculation about what could actually be going on with their friends, under the guise of caring about them so so much. 

It's a fic told in instagram screenshots, in royal media posts, and in the texts sent between different kids that keep going to all the right people despite what anyone else might think. 

It involves a lot of image editing that I am not prepared to do, as well as some fake text screenshots that I am only marginally more prepared to create. 

The fic starts out with a picture posted to Evie's instagram (see D1 credits for instagram and royal media handles and details there, or possibly the wicked world shorts). She got a camper for the summer! DIY time?? 

There are comments, and most of them are "OMG too cute" "love this for you" and "you're gonna make this the cutest summer road trip ever!" 

Some of them are a bit "WTF how are you affording this" 

Evie is #notbothered, and posts as much with her squad around her, updating the interior and exterior of the camper and looking hot and un-bothered in sunglasses and with absolutely important drinks in hand. 

Jay posts pictures of himself shirtless on top of the van. His account is dedicated exclusively to thirst traps and close up pictures of cool bugs he finds while wandering around outside of school grounds. 

Mal posts pictures of Evie looking sweaty and adorable while packing for the summer 

Early on, Evie posts a picture of the open road in front of them, and of herself in the passenger seat with the Auradon equivalent of starbucks in her hand. She almost always posts multiple photos at a time, and this one is a little swipe-through of herself with the drink, Jay driving and looking at the road, the road in front of them, and then a selfie where they're all crammed together with Mal and Carlos in the space between the front seats.

Jay posts a ladybug crawling over the steering wheel of the camper, except he doesn't actually show enough of the wheel to know that's where it is

Mal posts a picture of Evie directing them all into place against the camper with their fancy drinks in hand. They're trying to be budget-conscious for the journey, but when they didn't tell their AK friends exactly what they were doing for the summer, some of them assumed the worst and gave them many, many gift cards to use on their journey. 

They also have a mysterious benefactor (or BENefactor if you will) who has his father's credit card and no set limits on it, and keeps sending them gas money every time he sees pictures of them in the camper. 

He sends it via Auradon venmo, with emojis of a camper and a car and a little "love you, hope you're having fun" note. 

Mal has mixed feelings about this, but she's not turning down the free funds. There's.....maybe a few phone calls in her history, early in the mornings and late at night, where she's been talking to him about exactly what they're doing and why they have to do in on their own instead of accepting help from the Auradon royal family to get out of the country for the summer and to a country without magic laws, even just for the two weeks they're actually going to be in Arendelle. 

Evie posts the cutest pictures you've ever seen of the four of them at a fair, including all of them squashed together for a selfie while in line, and herself holding a giant crocodile plushie Mal won for her, and of course a sunset kissing shot with her gf. 

Mal posts a picture of Jay with his head in a trash can next to the roller coaster exit sign. 

Jay posts a picture of a cool bug that landed on Evie's cotton candy. 

At one point, they decide to leave the camper for a night and sleep out under the stars. This would have been a great idea, except the beautifully picturesque field that Mal picked out at random from the road map they've been using to find their way to interesting things turned out to be a cow pasture, and they wake up surrounded by cows.

Carlos posts a picture of a cow, two inches away from the phone screen with just enough sky in the background for it to be clear that he is definitely laying on the ground to take the picture. 

It's his most popular picture by a measure of 50 plus likes.

Early on they have a beach day, which is fun!! 

Mal posts a picture of Carlos buried up to his neck in sand, and a picture of Jay with wet hair fully over his face, looking like a weird drowned rat boy. Her picture of Evie is a candid, one of Evie laughing at the boys throwing each other off a rock formation. The selfie is herself, looking thoroughly pleased as Evie applies sunscreen in the background. 

Evie's beach day photo is herself standing on a rock, and the caption is something like "would you let me be your siren?" 

She looks incredible, and the Auradon boys who follow her because she's hot have a field day with it. 

Jay posts a picture of a hermit crab. It's surprisingly better than most of his other photos, until you scroll down to the caption, where it's revealed that this was actually Carlos taking the photo for him after Jay stepped on a jellyfish and refused to go back in the water for the rest of the afternoon.

At one point Evie and Jay decide that they should probably do something educational on their way, so as to not forget everything they've learned over the past year. Carlos is more than happy to help look up science museums, and they end up at the Camelot Museum of Industry. 

Mal did in fact text Ben about their trip, in the hopes that he would be proud of them for doing something educational, and Ben responds by sending them an article about the alleged ghosts that live in the tunnels under the building.

Evie posts a photo of herself standing dramatically on the front turret of the castle, where they let visitors up to use the telescopes in the evening. (On the second slide there's a photo of her grinning like a dork next to the giant telescopes, and then some very focused photos of her talking to the staff about how to adjust them to bring the planets into focus)

Mal posts a picture of herself and Carlos in an area labeled STAFF ONLY: DO NOT ENTER TUNNELS WITHOUT ID and a string of emojis that can reasonably be translated as "I'm going on a ghost hunt, fuckers"

Jay posts a picture of a snake he found outside under the bushes. 

The four of them do a video call with Lonnie, which is mostly so they can ask her to please, please come down and visit them, and also she should bring her swords, because they mayyyyyybe got into some trouble at one of the historic shrine sites and there's maybe some dryads trying to kill them

Lonnie sends over a pdf about curse breaking (sourced from her brother, who has some magic friends) 

Evie does not post pictures of that one, and instead makes a fb post with emo lyrics about how sometimes it's not about the photos, it's just about the memories. 

Mal posts a picture of herself with part of a tree branch embedded in her head. 

Jay posts a blurry picture of himself shirtless, holding a torch in one hand and a sword in the other. The caption is "winners never die". 

It gets the most comments out of anything they've posted so far. 

none of them have posted pictures of their destination, which is....somewhat concerning

Lonnie is the boldest of their AK friends, but they told her where they were going before they left, so she's not going to be any help. 

There is much speculation in the AK group chat about this. 

Jane sees a picture that Evie posts of the four of them in one of the magical heritage forests, and asks if they want to meet up for a picnic and also so she can show them all the sights of the forest firsthand. 

They do meet up, and Evie posts adorable pictures of them hanging out that only confuse her audience more

Jay posts pictures of the cool rocks he found in the historic forest 

Mal posts a picture of Evie's hands, close up and slightly blurry with some sort of paint all over them (it's probably not blood) 

Ben texts her to ask if it's blood 

There’s an 80% probability that it's not blood

Towards the end of the journey, Evie posts a lot of cute village/tourist photos of the four of them (and especially Mal) visiting the northern kingdoms. Corona was especially fun, and she dedicated a whole photo slide series to the floating lights festival. 

Jay, predictably, also posted about the lights festival. He posted pictures of a frog they found in the water, and the only reason you can tell it's the lights festival at all is the reflection of the floating lanterns against the pond in the background. 

Carlos posts a picture from the festival as well, which is a surprise! It's a picture of seven hands holding a lantern. 

Jane probably likes the photo, and then cries about it because she wants to be cool and dangerous and go on an unsupervised road trip. 

Evie makes a very cute post about sleeping together on a cold night in the mountains, complete with a lil selfie of herself kissing Mal's sleeping forehead in bed, and a picture of the sleepy blanket pile they made in the master bed of the camper together. 

Jay posts a cool spiderweb that he saw in the frost on the van window. 

Carlos sends a text complaining about freezing to death to Ben, who doesn't know where they are, but sends a box of hand warmers and more hot chocolate mix anyway.

Mal posts about being hurt by the ones you love the most (it was hot chocolate and she burnt her mouth and was very upset) 

[saitama-division]

The day was slowly winding down, turning daytime into night. Spoon enough people would be going to bed but not Lola Takahashi who was determined to spend her birthday partying all night long. Said lady of the hour was sitting at her vanity preparing to go out to another party when she heard a knock at her door. A bit annoyed at the interruption Lola walked over to see who it was. Opening the door and seeing no one there Lola was about to shut the door when she spotted two boxes on the ground. Picking them up Lola brought them inside and opened the first one she got her hands on. 

Inside the box was a pink cake with a dark pink drizzle dripping down the side. All sorts of candies, cookies, and marshmallows were on top and around the cake. There were even several shot bottles on the cake as well. However, what made Lola laugh was the Barbie doll situated on top next to a martini glass filled with candies and a shot bottle. Seeing a note alongside the cake Lola picked it up and began to read. 

“Dear Lola-san,

Happy Birthday! Hope you're enjoying it! I was thinking about what kind of cake to make you when I saw a poster for the Barbie movie and I know you're a big fan of alcohol. Inspiration struck me. So I combined them and well drunk Barbie is what I go. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Have a nice time partying up your birthday!

From,

Kanra Akemi”

Lola smiled at the cake from the pink-haired girl. Her cakes were some of the best Lola had ever had. Setting the note along with the cake aside, Lola moved on to the other box.

Inside the box was a set of ankle strap rose gold heels with butterfly wings on the back. The heels alongside the wings were embellished with pearls and other jewels like rubies and emeralds. Alongside the heels was a set of golden finger claws with each claw having flowers and bright pink jewels and pearls on it. The claws were connected to each by chain to a matching flower bracelet. The gifts were quite beautiful, Lola thought and checked to see if a note had come with it and sure enough, a note was tucked inside.

“Dear Lola,

Happy birthday my dear. It's been quite a while since we've seen each other but I hope you enjoy your gifts. Nothing but the best for the goddess of love and beauty. No, but truly do miss your presence, Lola. Call me up one day and I’ll show you the best bars in Shizuoka. Let's see who can bet who in a drinking contest. 

From,

Reika Aichi”

Lola grinned widely at the gifts from both her favorite people from both Edogawa and Shizuoka Division, she couldn’t help but giggle at the Barbie doll on top of the cake, Kanra is an absolute treasure, the blonde thought as she took the shot bottle off the cake and gave it a sip, humming and blinking in surprise at the taste of alcohol, just how exactly did Kanra get her hands on some actual liquor? And how did Yuriko let her? Shrugging, the model put the cap back on the bottle and tucked it away in between her breasts for later, oh well, it’s still sweet, she’ll have to give the girl a big hug and treat her to some sweets the next time she sees her.

Moving on, Lola whistled in appreciation at the shoes and claws Reika sent her, she couldn’t help but slip on the heels and sure enough, they were exact size which Lola couldn’t help but smile at, even years later, Reika still knows her well as back then. Putting on the beautifully decorated claws, Lola smirked as she inspected her hand, she’s seen Kureha with these type of accessories before and she will admit that they do look sexy as hell and she could imagine all the fun she could have now that she has a pair of her own.

Looking back at the letter, Lola smiled again. Reika was right, it had been a while since the two of them hung out, Lola had quite missed her lavish friend. Between Reika’s life as a socialite and Lola’s status as a celebrity, it was surprisingly hard to find any free time. “Let’s change that.” She mumbled as she scrolled through her contacts on her phone before stopping at Reika’s number.

Thank you for the gift!

[the-one-where-casey-watches-tv]

The Bear episode 1.07 "Review"

This episode is so cool I don’t even know where to start. It’s kind of surprising to me that there aren’t too many back-of-house restaurant shows out there, but I’m so glad there aren’t more to drown this one out. The Bear is so itself- it doesn’t rely on the charm of the restaurant setting do all the work of entertaining us. It’s a beautifully gritty homage to Chicago and its class system that just happens to get every ounce of entertainment possible from the cacophony of “behind!”, “corner!”, and “heard!” that comes from the working-class food joint (and of course, the elevated “yes, chef!” that Carmy brings to the table).

The Bear is really about capturing a sentiment and a vibe more than anything else. Its quirky premise serves mainly as a vehicle for us viewers to sit at The Original Beef and ponder if food is something for the working man to wolf down on his lunch break, or a painstakingly thoughtful art form worthy of time and discourse. The answer is, of course, somewhere in the middle, and nothing raises that question like the structurally offbeat and visually stunning “Review”.

I started to look up this episode before I sat down to write, and Google’s suggested question was “why is episode 7 of The Bear so different?”. Even without putting your finger on what it is about this episode that makes it stand out among the rest of the show, and honestly among television as a whole, you can tell it has that something. For one thing, it’s a mere 20 minutes long next to the following episode’s 48. For another, after a sentimental opening credits tribute to Chicago, the episode consists of one super-charged 18-minute take.

I’ve been thinking a lot about an episode of Mad About You that’s shot all in one take: in “The Conversation”, the leading couple is sitting on the floor outside their baby’s room as they force themselves to let her cry herself to sleep. “The Conversation” is also completely stationary, which serves its slow, reflective purpose, but The Bear takes this technique and ramps the energy all the way up. This single take is a thrilling feat, especially with all the yelling and stabbing and rushing around going on, and the style underscores the temperaments that are boiling over on all sides.

What really makes “Review” stand out to me, though, even next to other single-take episodes, is its narrative structure. “Review” and “The Conversation” both take place in real time, yet “The Conversation” has a clear message and beginning, middle, and end. “Review” is literally just a moment in time without the classic three act structure and thematic takeaway. “Review” is all about the present and how these characters will act right here, right now, in this incredibly manic, high stakes situation.

In the previous episode, Sydney had been working on a new dish- a braised beef risotto- that she nervously presented to Carmy who promptly told her that it was good, but “not there yet”. Frustrated, Sydney gave the dish to a customer for free- who just happened to be a food critic there to write a review for The Original Beef. Tensions are already at their breaking point at the beginning of our episode as the review had just come out, praising the restaurant and, specifically, it’s braised beef risotto that most of the staff has never heard of and is unequivocally not on the menu.

Some of the chefs, namely Richie, find it hard to believe that Sydney didn’t know that the customer she gave her dish to was a reporter. In her defense, she really didn’t, but that’s about the last nice thing I have to say about her in this episode. This prompts an argument between the two of them about Richie’s perception that Sydney is alienating their regular clientele and wants to “push the working man out” of The Original Beef. The usually reasonable Sydney and insulting Richie seem to have swapped personalities in this episode as she furiously and lowkey kind of incoherently claps back at Richie’s point that isn’t without merit. However, their argument is cut short, and emotions stuffed back inside, by the restaurant’s brand new to-go tablet.

Today is also the day the restaurant is launching their new to-go feature with a tablet taking Postmates-type orders, and demand is sure to be high on review day. Suddenly, receipts come flooding out of the system. Sydney forgot to disable the preorder feature, so before they even open they’ve got 97 cakes and 70 something sandwiches and a million other things all due up right now. This is when Carmy loses it.

Carmy is the CEO of burying his feelings and yelling at people instead, and he is in rare form today. There’s clearly unresolved tension between Sydney and Carmy about the risotto situation, but when Sydney asks if they’re good he brusquely says they are. When the to-go’s blow up, all that squashed residual anger comes out in a fiery parade of “GET THE FUCK OFF MY EXPO!” “MARCUS IF YOU’RE STILL FUCKING WITH THOSE CAKES I’M GONNA FUCK YOUR DAY UP!!” “SOMEBODY GET ME FUCKING SHARPIE THAT WORKS!!!” I’ve never been more relieved to not work somewhere.

Sydney is adamant throughout this episode that nothing about this situation is her fault, but I think that defensiveness comes from the fact that she knows that it is. She left the preorder feature on, and she gave that risotto to the critic, even if she didn’t mean to. Sydney handles so many things well, but her own mistakes aren’t one of them. Everyone other than Carmy is actually being super nice to her, Tina singing her praises and wanting her to be a role model for her suspended son (granted, today is not the day for that), and Richie trying to help her with her prep. But I think sympathy or even just positive treatment from others is feeding the guilt that she herself is burying.

Sydney’s tough as nails, but right now there really is something to be said for the working man. Richie isn’t batting an eye at the chaos around him, he’s keeping his cool and jumping in wherever he can. When he bumps into Sydney, who spills what she’s holding, she’s the one who didn’t say “corner”. When Sydney gets sidelined from expo to giardiniera, Richie pulls up next to her to help. Sydney quickly tells him she doesn’t need any help, but, as he’s been trained to do by the likes of Carmy, Richie calmly tells her she’s being “mean and ugly” and carries on- we’re past anybody “needing” help, this is an all hands on deck situation. Now it’s Sydney’s turn to lose it and spout out some of the meanest shit I’ve ever heard in a speech that gives Carmy a run for his money.

“You’re a conceited and condescending ribbon of brine. You can’t peel fucking vegetables. You can’t fucking do shit. You waste space here. You are a fucking loser. And that’s why you hate that I’m here, right? Because I see you for the loser that you fucking are. And everybody knows it. I know it. Carmy knows it. And your daughter probably knows it, poor fucking girl”. I’m sure there have been days where Richie deserved this, but this wasn’t one. She’s still brandishing her knife, which makes Richie ask if she’s gonna stab him, to which she replies “yeah, maybe I fucking will”. Jesus.

And then, in the chaos of this kitchen from hell, she actually does. Not on purpose, but I don’t hear an apology. Richie hurries out of the kitchen to patch himself up, and when he tell Carmy he was stabbed, Carmy replies “probably fuckin deserved it”. He somehow still keeps his cool and, like Marcus, Tina, and her son, Richie is part of the collateral damage of both Carmy and Sydney’s complex pent-up emotions.

Meanwhile, Sydney has now transcended beyond trying to make this work. She slowly takes off her apron and shoes, saying nothing to Carmy increasingly frantic calls of “Chef, are we good??” Finally, Sydney gathers her things and says, “No, we are not ‘good’. I quit.” I feel like I can actually see Carmy’s head explode, but Sydney just says, “This is not on me” and walks out.

And that’s it! That’s the episode. It’s not about how they get through this day or if they actually pull off making all these to go orders or if Tina’s son is going to fit in with the group. It’s just about how everyone behaved in this moment in time when tensions couldn’t be higher. And it was honestly such an anxiety inducing whirlwind that I don’t think I would have been able to take the episode being much longer.

Depending on what Sydney meant by “this”, maybe she’s right that it’s not on her. She’s definitely not responsible for the overall state of The Original Beef; Carmy and his frequent tirades and emotional unavailability can account for that. But in this instance, Sydney’s actions catalyzed every bit of this chaos and Carmy is just trying to get through the day- a courtesy she can’t even return. This episode is a breaking point, nothing more, but what breaks these characters and how tells you everything you need to know about them.

I actually do love Sydney though, her behavior in this episode caught my eye because of how on board I am with her all the other times. So all that to say I’m so stoked for season 2, and I’d love to talk everything The Bear with anyone and everyone!

[leicamoments]

Railway on the Right Tracks

Sunday and I headed down to Station View to cover the WRCWFL Premier Division game between table-topping Farsley Celtic and a closely chasing Harrogate Railway.

I was hoping the recent spell of overcast weather would break in time for the game, as the Met Office had promised that the cloud cover would start to have some gaps after two weeks of total horizon-to-horizon greyness.

The cloud was thinner, and it was a little brighter, but we weren’t to be graced by the sight of blue sky just yet. At least it wasn’t raining – got to take the positives!

It was the Sunday closest to Remembrance Day, so shortly before kick-off both teams stood around the centre circle and fell silent to show their respect for all those that gave up so much for our freedoms and safety.

A short blast on the whistle at the end of the minute and the teams faced each other, ready to battle it out for what could be one of the pivotal fixtures of the season. The 90 minutes that followed wouldn’t disappoint.

The opening stages of the game showed just how good both teams were; Farsley Celtic playing some nice passing football, but with the home team settling the better of the two sides and pushing forward.

In around the tenth minute, a corner won by Railway was delivered beautifully into the Celtic penalty area where Caitlyn Atkin met it perfectly and volleyed the ball past Leigh Bamford, the Farsley keeper, and into the roof of the net, 1-0.

Things were about to get better for the home team more or less straight from the restart as Railway won possession and attacked down their right. Krista Shuttleworth got onto the ball and ran in towards the Farsley penalty box; a little look up and a deft lob beat the Celtic stopper who was off her goal line, 2-0.

Harrogate Railway were looking sharp, with decisive direct attacks that were causing the visitors all sorts of problems. However, Farsley Celtic were certainly not out of this game, and were showing signs of their own attacking prowess.

As the half-hour mark approached, Celtic were clawing their way back into the game, starting to win a lot of the 50-50 challenges, attacking down both wings, and creating some good half-chances…but being honest, without seriously troubling Charlotte Donnelly in goal.

That was about to change.

Having created a couple of good chances and wasting them, Farsley attacked down their right and laid a ball across the Railway penalty box, with their skipper Lauren Rigby collecting it and calmly finishing into the bottom left of the goal, 2-1.

With around ten minutes of the first half remaining, the visitors were in the ascendency, causing Railway all sorts of problems, pushing them back into their own half and making the Station View side defend deep. Farsley were to create two further chances to score…one in particular, put wide when in reality they should have hit the back of the net.

The half-time whistle blew, and Harrogate Railway headed in 2-1 up, but probably the more relieved of the two teams to have reached the break and still find themselves ahead.

The first 30 minutes had belonged to the team from Harrogate, and they could have scored more. Farsley weren’t top of the league for nothing, they had come back strongly in the final 15 minutes and could have scored more than the one that they had.

Second half got underway, and it was Harrogate Railway that raced out of the blocks, seemingly determined to reassert their control on the game.

Just shy of the 15-minute mark, Rail won a throw-in on their left. A ball from Caitlyn Atkin to Krista Shuttleworth saw the tricky forward run across the edge of the Celtic penalty box with three defenders trying to close her down. Reaching the right side of the box, Krista created enough space to get her shot away, lobbing the keeper to score her second and give Railway a two-goal cushion, 3-1.

Farsley’s response was to push forward down their right and move the ball across the pitch to the left side. Their winger cut inside, angling for the box, creating a glorious chance to instantly respond but couldn’t hit the target.

Farsley Celtic were now pressing hard to get back into the game, and another chance saw Charlotte race out from her goal line to meet the oncoming striker…clearing the ball with a sliding challenge to put it out for a throw-in to the visitors…a wonderful bit of goalkeeping to command her area.

Farsley were turning the screw a little bit at this stage of the game, but Railway’s defence was handling the threats well and increasingly restricting the visitors to long range shots from outside the box.

With about a quarter of the game remaining, Rail were increasingly counter attacking the visitors as spaces were opening up. In one foray forward, a ball in from the left found Elisa Hodson who stepped across the centre back, and with only the keeper to beat, fired the ball wide.

As the minutes ticked by, Railway were starting to dominate once more and another incisive run down the left saw a high ball sent into the box; Elisa rose to try and head it, stretching with every sinew to get something on it but…it was just a little too high for her to make contact.

Farsley picked the ball up and immediately pushed forward, getting to just outside the Railway penalty area before sending in another shot which was comfortably collected by Charlotte.

With time running out, Elisa was to have another chance, putting her effort over the bar this time…but Railway were playing some good football and looked the more likely of the two teams to score.

Into injury time and Paige Swales played a wonderful ball into Georgia Binns who turned the Farsley Defender and sent an unstoppable shot past the Celtic stopper into the roof of the net to seal the game, 4-1.

There had been a few stoppages in the half, so there was a little bit of injury time to add on, and it was Harrogate who were to capitalise in the final few minutes. 

A pass back from a Farsley defender towards the keeper was under hit and the lively Elisa pounced on the opportunity. Controlling the ball with her first touch, she skipped around the keeper and with her mother Jules watching from the technical area, sent it unerringly over the line from the angle…a wonderful finish and a goal that her performance deserved, 5-1.

The full-time whistle blew shortly after and Railway had won 5-1, collected a vital three points, and underlined why they will be up at the top of the league fighting for promotion in March/April.

The margin of the scoreline was probably a little unfair on the visitors, as Farsley Celtic played some good football, controlled a few periods of play throughout the game, and could have scored more. They achieved promotion last season, and I am certain on the evidence from Sunday that they will be in the reckoning come the end of this one too.

Goals: Caitlyn Atkin, Krista Shuttleworth (2), Georgia Binns, Elisa Hodson. POTM: Lou Donnelly. Referee: Amy Fern.