#while ive explicitly told her how much it means to me to go full out

[uglypastels]

I've only been talking about this concert for months. I've only mentioned the outfits and the work people into it a thousand times. only said how excited i was to go full out on making/styling everything myself a hundred times. only been planning our own outfits for weeks. only made a concept board with specific references and designs. only said what i wanted to do like ten times (today alone).

and yet, somehow, my mom didn't think i meant what i said when i told her my idea.

but idk maybe i should have made my ideas clearer.

maybe this moodboard or these designs weren't clear enough that i wanted us to have matching sets. not just tshirts and jeans

[girlmeetsworldismyeverything]

what do you think of the whole maya having «turned in to» riley thing?? do u think there is truth in that, or do you think she just changed on her own and people started implying that her growth was just the copycat effect of being around riley so much?? ive never really been sure what i think of that whole thing!?! i feel like it might be a mix of both, but that they were wayyyyy to dramamtic about her not being «herself» anymore, like people change, thats what we do, it doesn’t always mean we have «lost ourselves» like they told maya she had. what do you think? 💖💖💖💖💖

Hello! Thank you for sending this, because there’s a lot to be said, so let’s get into it! 

 

To answer your question, it’s a mixture of yes and no. The reason why I say yes is because, if you can, rewatch girl meets world of terror 2. The scene where riley and maya empty their brains (that whole animation scene), it really tells a lot without explicitly saying it. Maya’s head was full of rileys, “don’t do this” “be like me”, and whatever else she said (it’s been a while since I’ve seen it). But that is why I say yes. This triangle situation was really taking an emotional toll on Maya, and she needed someone to just give her a little nudge back to who she was after girl meets hurricane. She just needs someone to restore the hope in her, and the hope that everything would turn out how it was supposed to. However, the only person who could do that (*cough* Lucas *cough*) was off figuring out his own feelings and he wasn’t able to see Maya’s crisis in time. By the time he realized what was happening, Maya was back in Mayaville and she wouldn’t listen to him, hence why she stepped back from him in girl meets true maya. The only person who was around was Riley and even though it was unintentional on her part, she pushed Maya back into who she’s always seen, which is a Maya who is upset with herself because she thinks she’s the reason why her father left, someone who didn’t have hope, and that’s not who Maya was anymore. Riley couldn’t see that because she wasn’t in a place where she could actually see that she and Lucas weren’t the end all, be all. That there was a chance that Lucas and Maya had something real, and that the feelings she thought she had for Lucas were actually for someone else (can you guess who? Lol).

The reason why I say no is because in girl meets triangle, when maya’s crisis is in full effect, she’s still thinking about the decision that has to be made and that they need to include Lucas because he’s a part of it. However, Riley doesn’t want to hear it because she’s not ready. I fully believe that the triangle dragged as long as it did because Riley wasn’t ready, Maya wanted to make sure Riley was happy, and Lucas didn’t want to hurt either of the girls, plus he was still figuring out his feelings for each of them. Like I said before, Maya was emotionally stuck, because she was worried about Riley, while also trying to deal with her deep feelings for Lucas. I don’t know if she realized how deep her feelings actually were, but we all could see that her feelings were very different from Riley’s. So, she was going through all of that, and trying to hang on to the hope she got since the middle-to end of season 2. That’s a lot to go through emotionally, so she did go a bit into rileytown, her hair and outfits say so. But she wasn’t as far in as Riley thinks she was. She never “became riley”, she was still very herself, just with hope and confidence (plus a new wardrobe, curtesy of Shawn). 

Michael Jacobs called season 3 the “season of feelings”. Seasons 1 and 2 were friendship and growth. Riley and Maya’s friendship wouldn’t have survived if Lucas and Maya got together before Riley was ready. Like Cory said, “feelings can tear apart friendship and growth”. At the end of the day, girl meets world was about Riley, Maya, and their friendship. Since Riley wasn’t near the level of growth Maya was at, it was unfortunately Maya’s growth that had to be diminished to save the friendship. But the best part about growth is that it can be restored, which we started to see in girl meets IDo. And who helped lead Maya down that path again? The same person who helped her gain hope, and if we would’ve gotten our season 4, we would’ve continued to see that growth. 

Also, if you realized it, Riley did start to grow during the back half of season 3. Because after ski lodge, what happened with Riley and Lucas’ relationship? Barely anything right? That’s because as Michael Jacobs said, in ski lodge part 2, the characters made the “wrong decisions”. That means that by Lucas choosing Riley, he made the wrong decision. Now how would we know how a character makes the right decision, look at girl meets goodbye. When Topanga was trying to figure out what to do about London, Eric told her to find her quiet place, which turned out to be Topanga’s. She sat there and made the right decision, which was to stay. Now, another character also sat in a quiet place to think about a decision. Can you guess who it was? 

Lucas! 

In girl meets upstate, he went to the bay window to wait for the girls to tell them his decision, and he sat there for quote “5 hours”. Who did he decide on? We never got to find out because maya didn’t give him the chance to, but given the context, the answer was Maya. Topanga was able to say what her decision was, Lucas didn’t, and in turn he wasn’t given the chance to say the right decision (Maya) and therefore made the wrong decision (Riley). 

Now getting back to what I had said earlier, in the back half of season 3, Riley and Lucas barely interacted. That was because (and remember, this is just based on my observation), since Lucas and Riley had pushed one another to the level of growth that they could, they couldn’t help each other anymore. They needed other people (Maya and Farkle respectively), to push them further. Riley didn’t realize it yet, but she was starting to outgrow Lucas and if we got our fourth season, we would’ve seen Riley realize that Lucas wasn’t who she made him to be, and she then would’ve looked back at everything and seen that while her intentions were good, she was wrong about a lot, and from there, would’ve been on her own journey of growth. 

I know this post got out of hand, but there is a lot of complexity to these characters. But I hope this helped answer your question, and please feel free to ask me again, if you need clarification on anything I’ve said!

[staywritten]

A Love That Lasts│Epilogue

A Love That Lasts │ Epilogue

Synopsis: You’ve spent the last two years, helping your very handsome next door neighbor raise his adorable daughter. The two of you fell into a routine before you knew it. And now you had this little family. You couldn’t help but fall for him.

Genre: Parent!Au, Dad!Bang Chan, Fluff, Nonidol!Au, Smut

Word Count: 3044

Part I │Part II │Part III │Part IV │Part V

A Love That Lasts Masterlist

Masterlist. AO3

“Today’s the day! Today’s the day! Today’s the day!�� Minseo jumped up and down on her father’s bed, waking him up with a belly flop. He chuckled, wrapping his arms around his daughter, kissing her hair softly and pulling her back into bed.

“Why are you so full of energy?” he smiled into her fluffy hair. “I’m the one getting married”

“Because after today I have a Mom!” she chimed. 

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes to look at his daughter. “You’re really happy about this aren’t you?”

“The happiest!” she beamed. “This is gonna be so cool! I get a Mom, and two new grandparents and it’s the best” She hugged him as tight as she could “And grandmas helped me pick out a dress and it’s so pretty!”

“Baby a lot is gonna change, I want you to let me know if it gets overwhelming.” he looked down at her sincerely.

“I’m fine!”

“You’re getting a mom… I’m getting a wife...we’re moving into a new house...our family is getting bigger- wow in laws… in laws that probably hate me...” he mumbled to himself, a frown forming as it finally all sank in just how much his life was gonna change in the matter of a few hours.

 “You ok Daddy?” you pouted pressing the furrow between his brows.

“I think I’m getting cold feet…” he sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“I’ll get you socks!” she chimed, wiggling out of his arms.

You were prepared for a stressful wedding. The planning process proved to be more challenging than all your years of med school and your residence. Dealing with not only your overbearing mother, but also Chan’s. Every decision you made followed by another five. You were happy to get this wedding over with.

You wanted nothing more than to just legally call Chan your husband and Minseo your daughter. “Just a few more hours” you sighed. 

You frowned looking down at your phone while getting your hair done. The last time you saw him was yesterday afternoon since your mom was so superstitious. She made you stay in your childhood, not wanting Chan to see you until your wedding. You texted him the moment you woke up but he hadn’t said anything back. You know he read the message, it was so unlike him to not reply but it was your wedding day perhaps he was just overwhelmed getting ready. 

Minseo ran inside the hair salon with your mom trailing behind her. “Today’s the day!” she cheered running into your arms. 

A smile instantly appeared on your face as you kissed her cheek. “Today is the day!” you grinned, nuzzling her nose. “You ready to get your hair and nails done?”

She nodded “Can I have matching nails with you?” 

“Of course you can Baby” your eyes softened, squishing her face. “I missed you, did you sleep well?”

“Mhmm! But I wish you were home”

“Me too” you pouted “How did your Dad sleep? Was he ok this morning?”

“He slept well~ But he has cold feet! I gave him extra socks before I left”

You frowned “Cold feet huh?” she smiled, shaking her head. “Well you were super smart to give him extra socks” you touched her nose. “Thank you”

“Minseo, let’s get your nails started” your mom called out to her walking her over to the nail tech, to sit with Chan’s mom. 

You sighed when your mom walked over to you, crossing her arms over her chest. “Mom please don’t start” you knew exactly where this conversation was going. 

“The boy has cold feet, what are the chances you think he’s actually going to show up?” she whispered to you not wanting to make a scene. 

“Here we go again” you rolled your eyes “Mom it’s a wedding, everyone gets nervous. Stop making this into a direct attack on Chris”

“Maybe you’re rushing into things”

“And there it is”  you looked to your mom and shook your head. 

You introduced Chan and Minseo to your parents not too long after you started dating. They always knew about them since you talked so fondly of your neighbors but they weren’t too surprised you started dating. Your mother just wasn’t too fond of you dating a man that had a child. She instantly fell in love with Minseo the moment they met, who couldn’t? She was a bundle of joy. But she always looked at Chan like he wasn’t good enough. Both your parents were Doctors, you were their only daughter and sure, your relationship with Chan wasn’t conventional, but it never was. You knew she looked down on him, even if she didn’t explicitly say it. 

“Mom I’m not having this conversation again, especially not on my wedding day.” You glanced down the salon and looked at Minseo animatedly speaking to her grandma and smiled. “I love Chris and Minseo so much…And I know it’s not what you wanted. I know that you would rather me marry some doctor with no kids and that we started a family once we got married but I chose this. I fought this feeling I had for him for years and I’m tired...I just want to be with the man I love. Chris has been my family long before this wedding”

“Look, I understand that you have feelings for Chris, he’s a nice young man, but-”

“No buts. No more buts.”

“What about the girl's mother? Is she really out of the picture? Who abandons their daughter?”

“The girl has a name. And Minseo is my daughter now. As for her mother, Chris will tell me when he’s ready I’m not pushing him on this.”

“But”

“No. Who I marry is a nonnegotiable.” you stood up, moving over to the makeup artist table. 

Bickering with your mom was nothing new, especially when she got a little too pushy, But you did wish that Chan would at least respond to your text to ease your mind. 

After a few hours of hair and makeup, you stared at yourself in the mirror, a little speechless. You were really doing this, you were gonna be married. You smoothed down the dress, running your hand over the embroidered lace. You had that ah-ha moment when you were dress shopping but there was something about seeing it all put together. 

Hearing the little chime of your ringtone you frowned. There was no reason that Felix should be calling you a few minutes before the wedding. Taking a deep breath you answered. “Hey?”

“Hey~” his tone a little too casual given the timing. “Um… so you must be wondering why I’m calling”

You sighed heavily “Felix what is it?”

“Ok, don’t be mad but-”

“Don’t start with don’t be mad!”

“See now you already sound mad and I’m too scared to tell ya”

“Felix!”

“I may have misplaced something…”

“You’re the best man Felix! Did you lose the wedding rings?”

“I’m offended! Those rings cost more than the down payment on my car” he scoffed. “They are safely tucked away in my blazer”

“Then what did you lose? Oh no, was it Chris’s tux?”

“Nah, I lost Chris”

“You what?! What do you mean! Felix!”

“See I asked you not to get mad, and yelling sounds a lot like being mad”

“How the hell did you lose a person?”

“I don’t need the attitude, he’s a lot faster than Minseo and can cover a lot more ground, I didn’t know he was a flight risk” he sighed “Look Jisung is calling him, and I’m checking around the venue, I’ll keep you updated”

“Please do…” you shook your head, hanging up. 

Well this was a turn of events. Your wedding planner made sure you had at least three back up plans for any other decision you made but there was no plan for a run away groom. You looked at the time, there was still thirty minutes before you had to be in the wedding hall, so you figured you’d look for your fiance. You needed to make sure he was ok, especially since he never shut you out before. You switched out of your strappy heels and into a pair of sneakers, hiking up your dress so that you could see your feet. 

There was a small knock at the door before it cracked open. You looked up and your eyes met a very tired Chan. He chuckled seeing you slip on your sneakers. “Runaway bride?” he grinned leaning on the door frame. 

You released a relieved sigh. “I’m not the runaway! Your groomsmen said you left?”

He laughed before walking inside and closing the door behind him. “I literally told Changbin that I was going to the venue first because I needed to talk to you” He took your hands into his rubbing his thumbs over your skin. “You look so beautiful…” his dark brown eyes practically twinkling as he looked at you. “Wow…” his cheek dimpled as his smile widened, he spun you in his hands as he took you in. 

You shyly looked at him, the warm way he stared at you making you more embarrassed than ever. “Should I be concerned that you wanted to talk to me before the wedding?” you frowned a bit “You’ve been ghosting me all day”

He gave you a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry...I just needed some time” 

“To think about us…?”

“No, not us” he smiled “We’re solid. I love you...but” he brought your fingers to his lips. “I just...I felt a little guilty. I wanna give you all of me...but I just..I’m a little worried that all of me isn’t enough...”

“Chris…” you frowned, taking his hand and bringing him over to the couch to sit with you. “You’re more than enough...if you didn’t know that then I’m...I’m not showing you how much I love everything about you…”

“I have a ways to go...but I always try my hardest...I’m not there yet but I’m trying-”

“You are perfect.” your tone, absolute. There was not a single thought in your mind of how perfect he was for you. 

“Your parents must hate me...They raise a beautiful, independent kind doctor and she settles for a single parent who make music-”

“Hey, that’s my soon to be husband you’re talking about. I’m not gonna let anyone trash talk you Chris, including you.” you squeezed his hand “And that last time I checked, I was the one marrying you not my parents.”

“But-”

“No buts. Yes you’re a parent. A parent of the literal light of my life, I can’t imagine my life without Minseo...I love her so much and you being her father will never be a negative...and yes you make music, you pour your heart into your passion and I love watching how you light up when you talk about it…. Chris I’m not settling for you in any capacity. I chose you to be my partner, my best friend, my soulmate, and my husband”

He let out that shy sweet giggle he had that you loved so much, his shoulders shrugging along with it. “I still don’t think I’m good enough but I’ll try to be…”

“Then I’ll spend the rest of my life as your partner, showing you that you are more than enough” you leaned in pressing a sweet kiss against his lips.

“I love you...and I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure that you always think I’m enough.. I’m really happy you’re gonna be my wife” he grinned at you pressing his forehead against yours. 

“Any more concerns? I want to rid you of your worries” you smiled lovingly at him. 

“I want to give you the world…”

“Chris you already have… You and Minseo are my whole world”

He pulled back, lacing his fingers with yours. There was something else that’s been weighing in the back of his mind, he always pushed it away because there was never a proper time to bring it up. He wanted to get married once, and to be fair to you he figured he should finally come clean about his life. “I wasn’t planning on telling you this minutes before we got married but...About Minseo’s mom…”

“Chris you don’t have to” you were always curious, but there was just something about his eyes that made you not push further. 

“But I want you to, I want to be fair to you...To know me” he took your hand placing it over his heart. “Know all of me…”

“Then, I’m here for you”

And for the first time in five years he opened up to someone. Felix and his parents were the only people who really knew the details. But there was something about coming clean to you that made him feel like a huge weight was lifted. He told you about his first love. The first person he gave his heart to, and the first time he dealt with heartbreak. She was stubborn, strong, independent, and dedicated to her job. Everything that he loved her for became the reason they broke up. 

“We didn’t plan for Minseo, but we did everything to prepare for her. To make sure she was loved. I was surprised at first but the moment I heard her heartbeat I knew I was going to do everything I could to protect her….As I got more invested in all of the prenatal care, my girlfriend seemed to lose a part of herself… It was like she powered through it… She was never the type to want to be a mom but I thought she changed her mind...But as soon as Minseo was born she left. Gave me full custody and a goodbye letter.”

Your eyes watered hearing his story, seeing the pain in his eyes. You pulled him into a tight hug, rubbing his back softly. 

“Despite that… I don’t hate her... Because in the end, it was just so her...She couldn’t be tied down and I used to love her for that… And I thought I could change her... that maybe she’d pick me and our child and stay with us” he let out a broken and bitter laugh. “But if she stayed we would have been miserable...She would have resented me...Minseo wouldn’t have had a happy home, and for that I have no regrets” he looked up at you sheepishly, giving you such a sad smile. “If you’ll still have me… I’m all yours.”

There were no words of comfort you could offer him. Because this was a wound that he’s already healed. It was just one that he’s kept hidden. There was nothing more you could do to heal it, but you could show him that you love him, and everything he came with. “Christopher, I’ve told you before… I'm your partner, I’m not going anywhere”

“Promise?” and there was something about how he looked up to you with his big, warm, brown eyes. The vulnerable look of hope as he held his pinky out. You couldn’t help but smile at how similar he was to Minseo. 

“Promise” you wrapped your pinky around his, pressing your thumbs together, sealing the promise. “You ready to get married?”

“Absolutely” 

“I’m gonna go wait for you down the aisle” he pecked your lips again before heading out. 

You couldn’t help but smile, practically beaming and watching him leave. It was go-time. You changed back into your heels and took a deep breath. One final longing look at yourself before your father came in. “You ready?” Your dad watched you warmly, a smile never leaving his face. “You look so beautiful” he pulled you into the biggest warmest hug. “I can’t believe I have to give you away”

You laughed leaning into your dad as he walked you toward the hall. “You and mom both”

“Your mom means well...You know how she is?”

“I do but I just wished she wasn’t so hard on Chris...He works hard, he does what he loves and makes sure that his daughter wants for nothing. I appreciate him...I fell in love with his kindness first...Dad, he’s my home”

“I’m gonna be honest I thought he was an opportunist, and I didn’t see what he offered you at first but...the way you look at him… the way you stand up to your mother...how you are with Minseo. I see it.” he smiled, rubbing your back softly. “You chose your home and I’ll love and respect you for it.”

“Thanks Dad…”

He kissed your forehead as you reached the wedding hall, the music from the piano chiming as they anticipated you. “You will always be my Baby… but you’re gonna be that man’s wife, and that sweet little girl's mom.. You ready for that responsibility?”

“I am” the sureness in warmness in your voice was all the reassurance he needed. Your mom would come around eventually, but for now having your father's support and the love of your new family gave you the strength to support Chris.

As the doors swung open your eyes instantly went to your fiance standing by the altar, Minseo in his arms, eyes practically sparkling as she happily whispered to him, pointing at you. Even Though he’d spent the past twenty minutes by your side with you in your wedding dress, it really didn’t hit him until this moment that you were going to be his wife. 

The nerves finally hit you as you walked down the aisle. It wasn’t that you were anxious, you were just excited to finally start this part of your life. Your new family was waiting for you. 

And although you knew that you guys weren’t perfect, and there will be obstacles in your way. You were sure that with Chan you two could overcome anything. 

End.

Thank you for sticking with me all this time, we’re finally saying goodbye to this series. I’m sure I’ll make a oneshot for it here and there, just because I really like writing Minseo.

And *cough* I’m also *cough* maybe working on a short series/one shot for Minseo’s mom as the reader >.>

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@skzsprinkles @tophuphu @hugs4chan @channieboyo  @cobbiebaexqueen @minnieskz  @em0cleo  @chwrryeols​ @binki-g @mythicalamphitrite

[justalitlecreacher]

Ok as much as I hate the events of the Rako Hardeen arc in Clone Wars and deeply wish that the council/Obi-Wan had at the very least told Anakin and Ahsoka what they were planning, I feel like the arc represents a very important turning point in Anakin’s fall and actually shows an important bit of character growth from Attack of the Clones.

Tl;Dr: The Rako Hardeen arc is my favorite and least favorite arc in all of Clone Wars because while it puts Anakin through unnecessary pain it also gives a lot of insight into why he may have fallen in Revenge of the Sith and shows some important character growth

Ok; the most important part of this post/analysis (I think) is to remember how close Anakin and Obi-Wan are. Anakin was placed in Obi-Wan’s care at the age of 9 and from then on Obi-Wan practically raised him. In Attack of the Clones we see Anakin refer to Obi-Wan as the closest thing he has to a father not once, but twice, and one of those two times was directly to Obi-Wan.”OBI-WAN:  Why do I think you are going to be the death of me?! ANAKIN:  Don't say that Master... You're the closest thing I have to a father... I love you. I don't want to cause you pain.”(Attack of the Clones) and later to Padmé “...He's [Obi-Wan] like my father,...”. This is especially important because when Anakin leaves his mother to become a Jedi in The Phantom Menace, Obi-Wan is literally the only friendly/familiar face in the Temple. Plus in the comics (disclaimer: I have not read all the comics just bits and pieces) we get a glimpse of Anakin training with the other padawans and it’s made clear that at least some of them don’t like Anakin at all. One padawan even refers to him as “just a slave” when shit talking him during training.(which like super fucked up; they def should’ve gotten in trouble cause that don’t seem very Jedi of them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

Anyway; we’ve established Anakin and Obi-Wan’s bond. So let’s turn our attention towards someone who deserved so much better; Shmi Skywalker. Her death in Attack of the Clones was the first major turning point in Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side. There is really no excuse for Anakin’s actions after Shmi’s death; he goes to a very dark place, and likely taps into the dark side of the force during the massacre of the Tusken Raiders. But that’s not what we’re talking about rn so back on track.

I bring Shmi’s death up to say that while Anakin was tracking down Obi-Wan’s “murderer” I didn’t fully realize that Obi-Wan had disguised himself as Hardeen and I was genuinely worried that Anakin was about to unalive an innocent man. I really believe that the only thing that stopped Anakin from trying (and maybe succeeding) to kill Obi/Rako was like he said: he knew that Obi-Wan wouldn’t have wanted him to. This is important because the last time Anakin lost a family member he brutally murdered an entire village of Tusken Raiders, children included, and I think it’s safe to say that Shmi “the biggest problem in the universe is nobody helps each other” Skywalker would not have wanted that. I’ve finally arrived at one of my main points; this arc shows a crucial bit of character growth by showing an Anakin that is capable of thinking his actions through and not just reacting out of anger even after the loss of one of the most important people in his life; something he was previously shown incapable of when his anger and grief blind him. This turns this arc into an sort of midway point on Anakin’s fall; he’s clearly tempted to give into his anger and pain again, but he is able to resist this time. A younger Anakin may have killed “Hardeen” then and there. 

This scene really contrasts with Anakin’s actions in Revenge of the Sith in a way im not sure how i feel about yet. On one hand it has potential to make Anakin’s actions in Revenge of the Sith feel too out of character. We just saw Anakin able to see past his own emotions in the wake of the death of a loved one so what makes this different? On the other hand this arc can be used to show just how desperate Anakin is to not have to feel that way ever again. It’s also good for showing how much influence Palpatine has had on Anakin in the space between this arc and Revenge of the Sith. As for why Anakin may be unable to think past his own feelings in Revenge of the Sith when he appeared perfectly capable in the arc, a likely reason is that there really wasn't anything Anakin thought he could do for Obi-Wan anymore because he believed him to be dead, but with Padmé, Anakin knew she could be saved if he could just get her the proper care. But his fear of being exiled from the Jedi Order, and his increasing lack of faith in the council led him to believe that he had no choice other than to trust in Palpatine. And no hate to Yoda but im sure when Anakin did try to reach out (even as vaguely as he did) Yoda’s response of “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” didn't appear to be very helpful (especially considering that he is well aware that listening to Ahsoka’s visions and responding appropriately saved Padmé’s life (not sure if Anakin knows about that though)). These three episodes show pretty well how/why Anakin may have felt that he had nowhere to turn but Palpatine.

These groups of episodes actually show negative character growth (is that the right term?) in Anakin. He goes from commiting mass murder rated E for everyone to understanding that his loved ones would not want him to seek revenge in this way, but then he backslides into this lightsaber is rated E for everyone by Revenge of the Sith. Logically he should know that Padmé would never have wanted him to do what he did; he has to know what he’s doing is wrong, but he’s incapable of seeing another way out because he cannot handle even the thought of losing Padmé. He’s too desperate to not lose her, and so sure that there’s no other option that he manages to convince himself that he needs to do this for her. I find this entire arc really interesting but unless i want to be here all day the most i can do here is point out that it exists and that it peaks in the Rako Hardeen arc. Surprisingly i do have a life outside of writing long posts, and i lack the time and energy to analyze all of Clone Wars and write about every event that led to Darth Vader (there are so many). On top of that i actually haven’t seen all of Clone Wars; just the episodes most important to understanding Anakin’s fall.

Onto my next point, we just talked about the growth Anakin showed in this episode; now onto why i believe that this arc was instrumental in Anakin’s fall. (Disclaimer: I do not think that removing this arc alone could have saved Anakin, but i do believe it would have helped a good bit). I’ve already touched on Anakin and Obi-Wan’s bond so im not gonna do that again. 

Ive said it before and i will say it again; it was super fucked up of Obi-Wan and everyone else on the Council to use Anakin’s (and Ahsoka’s) reactions Obi-Wan’s “death” for their own gain. It was super manipulative and they absolutely knew what they were doing.  Obi-Wan even explicitly says, “Keeping Anakin on the outside was critical. Everyone knows how close we are. It was his reaction that sold the sniper. I'm sure of it.”(Deception season 2 episode 15). He knows just how devastated Anakin would be by his death, and he uses like Anakin and his mental and emotional well-being mean nothing to him (I know this isn’t true but its probably not hard to believe that someone doesn't care about your feelings when they’ve just tricked you into thinking they’ve died for their own gain). The Council really proves time and time again that they do not care about Anakin’s (or maybe anyone’s; Anakin was far from the only one close to Obi-Wan left unaware of his deception) mental or emotional wellbeing, but tbh i think this is the worst example of how callous the Council can be. And on top of all of that it was Obi-Wan who decided to keep Anakin in the dark Obi-Wan who should have known better; if we assume that Anakin is at least 20 in Clone Wars; Obi-Wan has known Anakin for at least 10 years, and has practically raised him from the age of 9, and yet somehow, somehow he had this idea and didn't see a single thing wrong with it. (And they really picked the worst possible person for this; like yea let’s trick the most unstable Jedi we have into thinking his closest friend/ father figure was murdered)

This arc’s main purpose (IMO) is to really show the beginnings of Anakin losing faith in the Jedi and putting more and more faith in Palpatine. Anakin trusted Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan betrayed that trust. Beyond that Palpatine is able to make Anakin begin to doubt how much the Council is telling him if they didnt tell him something as crucial as this. We even see Anakin parroting Palpatine’s “concerns” of the council not telling Anakin the full truth the Obi-Wan and the end of the arc. This arc is instrumental is establishing Anakin’s loss of faith in the council and shows how much he trusts Palpatine and sees him as a real friend.

Anyway I’m sure I had more I wanted to touch onand if I remember I will definitely edit this post but for the now I just wanna say. A) I love Obi-Wan a lot; this arc just really was not it. I do not understand how he thought this was in any way acceptable but I do still really like him. B) i fully understand that Anakin’s actions are his own and he does take a share of the blame for his own fall.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ok so Camille’s an asshole on that we can all agree, but I’m really tired of people in the fandom acting like she’s just your typical annoying ex and she makes poor uwu Alec feel insecure cause fuck that. Camille was 100% abusive and manipulative but I also think she was sexually abusive too I mean seeing what she did to Simon and kissing Magnus without his consent even though he was clearly uncomfortable, consent doesn’t really seem to be an issue for her-

I feel like she definitely manipulated his fear of loneliness and not being good enough, to suit her needs. Like Magnus isn’t in the mood for sex or it’s especially triggering on a certain day, either way he’s not up for it but Camille makes him do it anyway. She threatens to leave or go find someone else who can fulfill her needs or take care of her when Magnus won’t, ‘I mean does he even love her when he won’t do this one simple thing for her?’ 

So he just lets her do what she wants, even if he’s having a full blown panic attack Camille doesn’t care or she’ll just leave insulting him saying she can’t deal with this right now and leaving Magnus with no idea when or if she’ll be back. So the next time she asks he hesitates less or initiates it more even when he’s not in the mood so she won’t leave and yeah I have a lot of emotions relating to this. and now I’m thinking about how it’ll affect his future relationships, not even talking about Alec but other people - I have this headcanon where when he got away from Camille and is healing, him ragnor and Catarina live together in ragnors cottage or somewhere away from people for awhile so Magnus can slowly heal and focus on himself and unlearn Camille’s abuse with the help of his family 

But despite what this fandom says Magnus has always been a helper and a selfless person to the point of self destruction. He’s unable to prioritise his own health and he wouldn’t be able to slow down and feel the full force of the abuse he experienced cause he feels like he’ll fall apart if he does and ‘no one wants a pathetic crybaby who breaks down when someone moves their hand too fast in his direction it wasn’t even that bad he’s just exaggerating like he always does this is why Camille doesn’t love him back’ (the ‘’ parts were meant to be strikethrough to signify Magnus’ inner thoughts but that doesn’t work on asks)

And he’s scared to get in another relationship cause he doesn’t think he’d be able to speak up for himself if they turned violent or controlling, he’s scared that if they did he’d just let them so he closes himself off from people puts these walls around him and a bright smile on his face that doesn’t let anyone think there’s anything wrong. And theres so much pain going on in the world ‘they have it much worse than him anyway’ and Magnus tries to help the best he can as he always does and he’s always there for people to lean on without any reciprocation and he’s so emotionally and physically tired and he’s not sure how much longer he can take it, almost considers going back to blackfairs bridge ‘really he’d be doing the world a favour’ but theres too many bad memories and he promised his family he would try so he holds on and then he finds Raphael and that obviously doesn’t fix everything but- I was going to continue this but it’s two am in my country and honesty it’s too long already😅 sorry for the rant it’s just a lot of emotions. Im so tired of the ‘Camille’s an annoying ex who keeps getting in the way of my favourite gay ship😠’ metas and needed to let out some feelings before I explode from my hate for Camille

UGH ANON HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE NOT ONLY A GENIUS BUT ALSO MY NEW BEST FRIEND, AN INTELLECTUAL, AND COMPLETELY RIGHT. YOU ARE SO CORRECT!!! idk if uve read my other post that i posted while i was waiting for you but we no longer have the same hat we are SHARING the hat!! i can't believe i got this ask right after i had just made that long ass rant and was in so much need to talk about this like ugh are you my guardian angel. i love you more than anyone else ive ever met

ok ok ok coherent thoughts ok i can do this. first of all THE SALT how does it feel to have vision and coherency. ppl writing camille as just an annoying ex or a bad ex or even as like "oh they both made mistakes and it ended up terrible" drives me UP THE WALL. camille was explicitly abusive, so much so that magnus CANONICALLY WAS UNABLE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM FOR ALMOST A CENTURY. and she was shown to be abusive, both in the physical sense as you have reminded us so brilliantly and in the sense that her whole "choose me" speech? like she doesn't have to literally say the words "no one but me would ever love you" for that to be exactly what she's saying. she's obviously playing with his insecurities and putting him down while presenting her as his savior, it's CLASSIC ABUSE. she was written as such a perfect to-the-book abuser that it honestly shocks me like they did that really all they ticked all the boxes. the way she immediately launched to talk about alec's mortality too, the way she was obviously trying to make them fight and draw them apart - it wasn't a jealousy thing, it is just that she's abusive and she wants him isolated so she can toy with him and manipulate him 

EVEN SALTIER WHEN THEY MAKE IT ABOUT ALEC BEING INSECURE LIKE. especially because canonically he literally watched camille kiss magnus and didn't care, which was sexy of him because i was dreading some jealousy drama or something but instead he was just like. obviously she did it to hurt you. i only care in the sense that she's a fucking bitch. we stan! 

as for how she treated him! oof i think the same thing with the same words dioajdsaoij it always circled back to "why can't you do this for me?" in and outside of sex - i mentioned that in a conversation in the comments of my other post but i think that with camille the sexual abuse was really just an extension of the regular abuse, so they bleed together and are not really separable in that sense. at every turn, he had to prove his worth, and she used his fear of loneliness both in the sense that she amplified it and made it seem like the only way to not be lonely was to be with her, and that she gave him just enough for him not to feel desperately lonely so she could string him along. not to mention, they both always go back to how magnus supposedly "owes" her, and yes, it's because of the bridge, of course, but there's also that underlying tone of "because she put up with him and gave him affection when no one else would". even when what she did was nowhere close to real affection. so it's both the bridge and the after. she could have saved him and left, but she stayed. that's why he feels he owes her, and she will absolutely use it

AND UR SO RIGHT ABOUT MAGNUS BEING UNABLE TO PRIORITIZE HIS OWN HEALTH UGH UGH UGH UGH like he has no choice for a while because she left him fucking broken and seeing the way she treats him and the amount of shit he puts up with i can only imagine how far she had to go for him to reach a breaking point and leave her for real. but as soon as he could pretend to have himself together he just threw himself out there. and i believe that he felt guilty for having catarina and ragnor take care of him when he abandoned them because of camille - obviously that's not what happened, she manipulated him into staying away from them, made his life hell whenever he wanted to hang out with them until he no longer had the energy to put up a fight to keep in contact with the people he loves, but it's what he feels that happened, and most likely what camille herself eventually started to tell him happened once they had been pulled away enough. ("you're gonna leave me? and go back to who? your little friends who tried to pit you against me from day one? they're just gonna say 'i told you so', magnus. and why would they take you back when you left them before? when was the last time you even saw them? you chose this, you chose me, and now you're gonna come back to them and expect them to welcome you with open arms? you selfish little prick")

AND RAPHAEL!!! raphael was so important, honestly, we say that magnus didn't let anyone into his heart but obviously raphael was the exception and EXTREMELY important for his healing. it's a complicated relationship because he's sort of a father figure for rapha, and as such, he doesn't allow himself to be completely vulnerable around him, because that's not "his role". but! he was the first person whom magnus let in. and they obviously know each other deeply ("i hate to see you like this" even though magnus looked completely put together to the outside eye) and are plenty affectionate ("sweet boy", the hugs, the way rapha talked about magnus with so much love and awe in his eyes and voice) and trusting (the way raphael went to magnus' loft, not his own damn clan, when he was tortured...). i know this fandom likes to pretend that they pretend to hate each other but NO THEY DON'T they are openly caring and loving with each other fucking fight me on this

anyway, my point is that raphael was the first person he allowed himself to trust, and of course, part of that is simply because raphael was vulnerable and in need and like you said he can't just stay still when he sees someone struggling. but to care for raphael eventually had to mean to open up to him and when he welcomed raphael in, he gained a new member to his family. raphael is his kid. that's no small thing. their bond goes deep and it's extremely important because again, after camille magnus wouldn't allow people to get close to his heart, because he was scared of how they could use that against him. raphael was his first, and the only reason magnus was able to open himself up for romantic love again (which was an extra step, not because romantic love is more important or deeper, but because it's specifically the kind of love that camille used against him, and thus it makes him even more scared) was because he had already been relearning trust and platonic love with rapha

rapha did him good!!! there's a reason he calls him "sweet boy" okay. and rapha cares about him and he NOTICES WHEN HE'S IN A BAD SHAPE EVEN THROUGH ALL OF MAGNUS' WALLS and he specifically didn't want magnus involved with the camille drama even when it had obviously gotten out of hand because he wanted to keep him safe and away from her!!! i want to be shot in the face!!! they love each other so much! fuck!

and also that implies that raphael knows about camille which means he might be the first person who met magnus post-camille and heard the story, which means that he might be (and probably is) the first person who was never involved that magnus opened up about this to. if that ain't some powerful and important shit i don't know what is. because part of abuse is that you can't talk about it - there's this sense of shame and guilt both from staying and from not staying more, especially because magnus canonically still feels like he owes her... aaaaa

this answer is all over the place im sorry but my point is you are correct, camille is a textbook abuser not just a shitty ex, she fucked up his head and made him unable to open up for a long time, and the first person that helped him break those walls was raphael and they LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH AND DEEPLY thank you for your attention

[rainhadaenerys]

Sometimes I like to search for my own posts in other sites, especially because my book vs show meta is shared quite a lot. I saw someone share my meta on r/gameofthrones, and without fail, some Sansa stan came to say that I was biased, that I didn’t talk about Dany’s “dark moments” in the books, that show!Dany was actually whitewashed:

Wow. Wow. I am the one that is biased, clearly *sarcasm*. Also notice how this anti doesn’t provide a single book quote to support their wild claims.

“The only reason Dany took Astapor was for an army”

Then why did she free the Unsullied when she didn’t need to? Then why did she delay her invasion of Westeros to stay in Slaver’s Bay freeing slaves? Then why did she refuse Yunkai’s gold, Xaro’s ships, Quentyn’s alliance, all things that would have been given freely to her if she decided to leave, and instead chose to stay to ensure people’s freedom? Also, see this meta:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/182893726737/tatticstudio55-i-didnt-think-id-have-the#notes

“She was ok with Drogo selling the Lhazareen into slavery, she said it was the price of the Iron Throne”.

Dany was a 14 years old girl who had no experience on war. Antis like to say that Dany convinced Drogo to invade knowing that he was going to enslave people to do it, but this is not an argument supported by the text at all. When Dany asks Drogo to help her take the Seven Kingdoms, no one mentions the need to sell slaves:

The khal's mouth twisted in a frown beneath the droop of his long mustachio. "The stallion who mounts the world has no need of iron chairs."

Dany propped herself on an elbow to look up at him, so tall and magnificent. She loved his hair especially. It had never been cut; he had never known defeat. "It was prophesied that the stallion will ride to the ends of the earth," she said.

"The earth ends at the black salt sea," Drogo answered at once. He wet a cloth in a basin of warm water to wipe the sweat and oil from his skin. "No horse can cross the poison water."

"In the Free Cities, there are ships by the thousand," Dany told him, as she had told him before. "Wooden horses with a hundred legs, that fly across the sea on wings full of wind."

Khal Drogo did not want to hear it. "We will speak no more of wooden horses and iron chairs." He dropped the cloth and began to dress. "This day I will go to the grass and hunt, woman wife," he announced as he shrugged into a painted vest and buckled on a wide belt with heavy medallions of silver, gold, and bronze.

"Yes, my sun-and-stars," Dany said. Drogo would take his bloodriders and ride in search of hrakkar, the great white lion of the plains. If they returned triumphant, her lord husband's joy would be fierce, and he might be willing to hear her out. - Daenerys VI ADWD

That’s it. That’s the moment Dany asks Drogo to help her take the Seven Kingdoms. There’s no mentions of selling slaves at all in their conversation. We don’t even know if Dany is aware or not of what taking the Seven Kingdoms is going to take. Given how young and inexperienced she is, it doesn’t seem like she gave much thought about the ugly aspects of war at all. Besides, it’s only after the wineseller tries to poison Dany that Drogo mentions that he will rape women and enslave children in Westeros, and at this point, Dany doesn’t have much of a say, because Drogo didn’t decide to invade Westeros because Dany asked. He decided to invade Westeros because the lives of wis wife (his property) and his son were threatened. This is an affront to his honor, his decision has nothing to do with pleasing Dany, so if she asks him to give up on invading Westeros, he won’t do it (just like he wouldn’t invade Westeros just because he asked). Dany didn’t seem to be aware of what taking Westeros back with Drogo would take, and after she finds out, she doesn’t really have the power to stop it.

And saying that Dany was ok with enslaving the Lhazareen is a blatant lie:

I am the blood of the dragon, Daenerys Targaryen reminded herself as she turned her face away. She pressed her lips together and hardened her heart and rode on toward the gate.

"Most of Ogo's riders fled," Ser Jorah was saying. "Still, there may be as many as ten thousand captives."

Slaves, Dany thought. Khal Drogo would drive them downriver to one of the towns on Slaver's Bay. She wanted to cry, but she told herself that she must be strong. This is war, this is what it looks like, this is the price of the Iron Throne.

"I've told the khal he ought to make for Meereen," Ser Jorah said. "They'll pay a better price than he'd get from a slaving caravan. Illyrio writes that they had a plague last year, so the brothels are paying double for healthy young girls, and triple for boys under ten. If enough children survive the journey, the gold will buy us all the ships we need, and hire men to sail them."

Behind them, the girl being raped made a heartrending sound, a long sobbing wail that went on and on and on. Dany's hand clenched hard around the reins, and she turned the silver's head. "Make them stop," she commanded Ser Jorah. - Daenerys VII AGOT

Dany has little say in what’s happening here, little agency. She is just the wife of the khal, and what he decides is what happens. This is the very first time Dany is seeing the Dothraki attack anyone (before this, she was just traveling through the Dothraki Sea to Vaes Dothrak). And she is horrified by what she is seeing. Antis love to take the line “this is the price of the Iron Throne” out of context, but looking at the context in which the line is said tells us a very different story: when Dany says "this is war, this is the price of the Iron Throne", she's not saying it because she's ok with slavery. Quite the opposite: she hates what she's seeing, and she says this to convince herself that she doesn't care, to tell herself to be strong. But it doesn't work, Dany can't look past the awful things that she is seeing, and only two paragraphs later, she starts trying to save as many women as she can, in the only way she can: by claiming those women for herself.

By the way, Dany puts herself at a huge risk by trying to protect those women, because she is defying Drogo’s men. When her khas goes to enforce her order, the Dothraki fight, and some men die trying to defend their rights to the spoils of war. Many of the men look at her with cold eyes. These men try to complain to the khal about this, and when Drogo dies and Dany loses the protection of his authority, Dany is in grave danger.

Also see this meta:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/186687986788/adamparrush-dany-burning-mirri-maaz-duur-alive#notes

“Dany was murdering children in Astapor”

This is just bad reading comprehension, or this person is trying to distort things. Dany didn’t order the killing of children. She ordered only masters and soldiers to be killed, those actively fighting against her to keep slavery. She tell them not to harm any child below 12 to avoid the Unsullied killing innocents. Also, saying “don’t kill anyone under 12″ is not the same thing as saying “kill everyone over 12″, stupid anti.

Also, see this meta:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/184630644137/hi-i-really-enjoy-your-blog-and-your-meta-i#notes

“Dany didn’t want the entire caravan from Astapor and Yunkai to follow her”

That’s a really dishonest distortion of the facts. This is what Dany actually says:

The raggle-taggle host of freedmen dwarfed her own, but they were more burden than benefit. Perhaps one in a hundred had a donkey, a camel, or an ox; most carried weapons looted from some slaver's armory, but only one in ten was strong enough to fight, and none was trained. They ate the land bare as they passed, like locusts in sandals. Yet Dany could not bring herself to abandon them as Ser Jorah and her bloodriders urged. I told them they were free. I cannot tell them now they are not free to join me. She gazed at the smoke rising from their cookfires and swallowed a sigh. She might have the best footsoldiers in the world, but she also had the worst. - Daenerys IV ASOS

Dany says that the freedmen are a burden. She is simply stating a fact, the freedmen are a burden. But she refuses to abandon them as her advisors urged, because she freaking cares about them, you idiot.

“The pile of bodies was high when she took Meereen”

Of course the pile of bodies was high! A battle to take the city just happened! Usually, when there’s a battle, people die, and there are bodies. I guess this idiot must think that Jon and Robb won all of their battles without killing a single soul. Let’s just pretend that none of Robb’s victories had any pile of bodies. Like, wow. What kind of argument even was this?

“They don’t talk about the torturing of the wineseller’s daughter”

Another blatantly lie. I do talk about the torture of the wineseller’s daughters in my books vs show meta, let me quote what I wrote here:

4) Then, after Dany executes Mossador in the name of a fair trial, she decides to throw “fair trial” out of the window by feeding one of the slavers to her dragons for revenge. This is something that never happens in the books. The closest we have to a problematic action like this is when Dany allows the wineseller’s daughters to be tortured. But this isn’t anywhere near as dark as feeding people to her dragons, for various reasons: 1) because Dany’s actions in the books are inserted in a context in which torture is seen as a normal and legitimate means of investigation by the society. Dany is not the only one that does this, and even honorable Jon Snow considers throwing Janos Slynt in an ice cell to force him to comply, and later throws Cregan Karstark in one. So Dany’s actions in the books are lawful, while in the show, they are not; 2) because Dany was trying to investigate. She was angry about what happened, but revenge was not the only motivation; 3) in the books, Dany learns a lesson from this and becomes the only ruler in ASOIAF to explicitly forbid torture.

Another thing that makes the dragon feeding scene so bad is that Dany tells the masters that she doesn’t care who’s innocent or not. But book Daenerys does care about it:

“We have no proof this is their work. Would you have me slaughter my own subjects?” – Daenerys IV ADWD

Feeding people to her dragons in the show was a criminal action taken by show Dany, and it was made out of revenge, with show Dany saying that she doesn’t care about innocence. This is very different from Dany in the books, and much much darker.

“They don’t talk about Dany enslaving people once she becomes queen”

I don’t talk about this because this never happened. Dany does allow people to sell themselves back into slavery, but only if they want to, and she very clearly doesn’t want to allow it:

Dany was shocked. “They want to be slaves?”

“The ones who come are well spoken and gently born, sweet queen. Such slaves are prized. In the Free Cities they will be tutors, scribes, bed slaves, even healers and priests. They will sleep in soft beds, eat rich foods, and dwell in manses. Here they have lost all, and live in fear and squalor.”

“I see.” Perhaps it was not so shocking, if these tales of Astapor were true. Dany thought a moment. “Any man who wishes to sell himself into slavery may do so. Or woman.” She raised a hand. “But they may not sell their children, nor a man his wife.” - Daenerys VI ASOS

Dany does this because she thinks it’s for the best. Because people convince her that otherwise, those people will live in fear and squalor. But she makes it very clear that no one is allowed to force another person into slavery. And actually, the majority of the former slaves choose to remain free. I write in more detail about this here:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/182694132667/do-the-slaves-of-westeros-really-want-danys-help#notes

“They don’t talk about how Dany treated Irri”

You mean how Irri started to have sex with Dany on her own free will without Dany ever asking her? You mean how Dany treats Irri wih dignity, respects her consent, and makes it very clear to Irri that she doesn’t have to have sex with her if she doesn’t want it?

"Should I pleasure the khaleesi?"Dany stepped away from her. "No. Irri, you do not need to do that. What happened that night, when you woke . . . you're no bed slave, I freed you, remember? You . . ." - Daenerys II ASOS

Talk all you want about power difference, but Dany respected Irri’s consent, she treated her with dignity.

See also this meta:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/187867805480/hiya-mindset-love-your-blog-i-was-reading#notes

And they continued on their bullshit:

They repeat a lot of the stuff I already refuted here, but there are some more:

“Jorah killed Rhaego, not MMD”

Mirri Maz Duur admits she killed Rhaego when Dany accuses her:

Dany gestured at Ser Jorah and the others. "Leave us. I would speak with this maegi alone." Mormont and the Dothraki withdrew. "You knew," Dany said when they were gone. She ached, inside and out, but her fury gave her strength. "You knew what I was buying, and you knew the price, and yet you let me pay it."

"It was wrong of them to burn my temple," the heavy, flat-nosed woman said placidly. "That angered the Great Shepherd."

"This was no god's work," Dany said coldly. If I look back I am lost. "You cheated me. You murdered my child within me." 

"The stallion who mounts the world will burn no cities now. His khalasar shall trample no nations into dust." - Daenerys IX AGOT

MMD killed an innocent child for revenge, and to prevent a supposed future. She admits it.

"She said to kill everyone in a tokar, this is every freeborn”

No, the tokar is not worn by every freeborn. The tokar is a master’s garment, and it makes it impossible to work. Those who wore it are only those who have the wealth and power and don’t have to work, aka, the freaking slave masters:

The garment was a clumsy thing, a long loose shapeless sheet that had to be wound around her hips and under an arm and over a shoulder, its dangling fringes carefully layered and displayed. Wound too loose, it was like to fall off; wound too tight, it would tangle, trip, and bind. Even wound properly, the tokar required its wearer to hold it in place with the left hand. Walking in a tokar demanded small, mincing steps and exquisite balance, lest one tread upon those heavy trailing fringes. It was not a garment meant for any man who had to work. The tokar was a master's garment, a sign of wealth and power. - Daenerys I ADWD

Ugh. Then they went on:

Again, this freaking obsession antis have to convince people that they loooooove Daenerys. I could go on refuting this idiot, but it can be summed up in “You Dany stans can’t see things objectively, I’m the only one that uses logic, blah, blah, blah”. They go on to complain that Dany killed soldiers (none of their faves ever killed soldiers, right?), to say that Dany killed slaves and freed people (no, she didn’t), that you can’t see things in black and white and divide the situation into slavers and slaves (I guess they’re trying to say that Dany is bad for killing some supposedly nice slavers), blah, blah blah.

Sorry if I went off, everyone. This made me really angry. Apparently, I’m the biased one that distorts things, and not this idiot.

[tysonrunningfox]

Open Flames: Chapter 20

Also known as...the epilogue

Ao3 

If I asked Fuse what her favorite part of our honeymonth was, I’d guess it was when I told my mom to ‘go away’ a little less than charitably because she thought she could interrupt our second day of wedded bliss to ask some question about some random thing that Acting Chief Hiccup could obviously handle.  If Fuse asked me the same question, I’d probably say what happened immediately after I told my mom to ‘go away’, because that was a memorable way to accidentally knock the weapons rack off of the wall and then realize no one could yell at us because it is our wall. 

If this hypothetical conversation happened in the first few days after the wedding, in that wave of the novelty of true, uninterruptible privacy that momentarily made Fuse do her best and mostly succeed to forget that she was pretty miserably pregnant, my answer would have garnered an enthusiastic response.  Any other time in the last month she probably would have rolled her eyes and asked me to rub her feet. 

Which I would have done.  Happily.  Without question. 

As always, I’d do anything to make Fuse safer or better. 

But this morning, when she assured me that burning Snoggletog breakfast didn’t make her sick while her hands curled into white-knuckled balls of pain at her side, there was nothing I could do.  She told me to get the midwife with the same even voice she uses to guide shaky hands into building bombs, and I did it, moving mechanically like she always wants me to around explosives. 

All day, for the first time, I haven’t been able to stop what’s hurting her.  My axe hanging useless on the crooked weapons rack, fists clenched against the urge to try and take control of the uncontrollable. 

“Does he need to wait outside?”  The midwife asks, yanking me out of my panic, and Fuse – Fuse, who I put into this situation – has the gall to look worried about me for a mortifying second.  “If he forgot how to move, I can get Arvid to drag him out by his toes.” 

Not a good look for a Chief. Or a man.

Or a dad. 

“Fuck,” I swear at the situation. At the house. At myself.  At the obligation to compose my face, to be a Chief, to be there for Fuse even when I want to apologize over and over every time I see the contents of one of those medical buckets.  “I’m good.  I’m good.” 

And then Fuse is breaking my hand and the midwife is encouraging her and then silence.  The worst thing I’ve ever heard. 

It stretches.  Seconds.  Years.  Eons. 

My useless axe couldn’t cut the tension.

My knees shake. 

Then there’s a cry. 

A baby’s cry. 

A shrill, instantly recognizable cry that makes me want to get that axe and face outwards from the doorway, but I can’t, because the baby is wrapped in a blanket and shoved hastily in my arms while the midwife works. 

“It’s a girl,” she says, offhand, like it’s not the most important thing she’ll ever say. 

And the silence in my head is the loudest, longest, beat of my life, looking down at that red little face. 

The baby’s furious.  Beyond pissed. 

I get it.

Hel, I just spent a month with nothing but Fuse and after being forced into the world I feel like sobbing.  And I have distractions. 

There’s something Fuse-like in the twist of the little girl’s anger.  Something righteous and unhinged and the weight of my two Fuse’s slams into my chest like a battering ram. 

I don’t remember sagging down against the wall, bundle in my arms. I don’t remember crying. I just know I have to wipe tears from my eyes when I hear the second cry, this one higher pitched as a wriggling, arching little thing is wrapped in another blanket.

“Another girl,” the midwife says, holding the screaming bundle in my direction. 

“You mean,” I jump upright as carefully as I can, still supporting myself on the wall, scared to take even a hand off of the bundle in my arms, “both? I—”

“You’re going to have to get used to having your hands full,” she adjusts my arms with brusque, bloody hands and sets the second baby in them. 

In theory, she pats my shoulder in a matronly way. I theoretically feel it and nod like her words made some kind of sense.  In practice, I float, lost in two tiny, indignant faces I almost recognize. 

Here they are. 

After all that, here they are. 

“Hand me the older one,” the midwife prompts and I reflexively shake my head, holding both bundles closer to my chest.  Her eyes are irritated but kind as she raises an eyebrow, “she needs to eat.  Unless you were intending to feed her.” 

“I’ll feed her,” I insist mindlessly.  “How—I mean, how do I feed her?” 

“By handing her to your wife, Chief.”  The midwife says the title like a mild admonishment, and I flush. 

“Right.  I knew that.  I know that.”  I reluctantly allow her to take the older twin, clutching the younger one to my chest as I appear by the bed, my feet insubstantial against the floor as I allow myself to take in the scene. 

Fuse.  Obviously exhausted, pink hair stuck to her face, head back against a pile of pillows. A baby in her arms, expression placid and overwhelmed as she listens to the midwife and tries to position the squirming bundle against her chest. 

I clear my throat.  She glances at me and there’s all that understanding, all that coping, all that resilience that’s always left behind after the blast.  It’s all familiar, all such a relief that I can barely breathe as I sit on the edge of the bed before my quaking knees dump me on my ass. 

The older twin goes to sleep after she eats, a squishy little bundle with red-brown hair tucked under Fuse’s arm as I reluctantly hand over the younger girl, her hair just starting to show blonde where it’s brushed clean on the blanket.  I was hoping for pink, but she has Fuse’s nose and I don’t remember the last time I was this lost for words.

Probably when I was our babies’ age and didn’t know any words. 

Gods, they don’t know any words. I have to teach them everything and keep them safe and I cradle my head in my hands, trying not to dwell on how easy it’s going to be to mess up. 

“I’m going to let you two get settled while I go tell your families,” the midwife starts picking up her supplies and I sit upright. 

“You’re leaving?”  I fumble for the words, “does that—what if—it’s over?”  I look at Fuse, all three of my Fuses, impossibly safe and tired and terrifying, because of how much they need me.  Because all that’s left in me is how much I need them. 

“Unless you think there’s a third.”  The midwife raises that eyebrow at me, and I get the feeling she’s thinking about moving to some other island with a chief who makes sense.  “I’ll be back.” 

“You’re alright.”  I let myself say it once the heavy front door is shut and we’re alone, let the relief bleed around it, let my hand shake now that I can’t drop anything. 

“That’s one word for it,” Fuse mutters under her breath, but my expression makes her pause and she sighs, shifting a bit uncomfortably, “I will be.  Just…a long day.” 

“Why?”  I snort even though I don’t think it’s explicitly a joke, scooting a little closer and barely biting back a sigh of relief when she lifts her head for me to slip my arm behind it, like she doesn’t hate me even after what I just put her through.  “Been busy?”

“A little bit.”  She glares at me, eyes blue fire, and that’s the same too, like I really managed not to lose any of her in the multiplication. 

“I’ll trade you for the next one,” I glance between the two babies, still more than a little in awe of how persistently they’re existing here, “I can do the hard part while you freak out and the midwife makes fun of you.” 

“Next one?”  She huffs, intact eyebrow raised. 

“I was operating under the impression that the grumpiness was supposed to end when you weren’t pregnant anymore,” I joke, kissing her forehead, happy pang in my stomach when that little blonde head nestles against my chest. 

“To be fair, I said I’d be grumpy as long as I couldn’t see my toes,” she leans back against my arm a little harder, circles under her eyes prominent as the other baby fusses, less furious than before, little hand fisting in the blanket. 

I glance at Fuse’s foot peeking out from the blankets and laugh, “and you haven’t looked yet?” 

“I don’t intend to.”  She almost laughs, breathy and exhausted as she leans a little harder into my side.  The older twin fusses again, bordering on a cry. “Can you take her?”  She asks, a little unsure of herself, holding the little blonde bundle like some rare and exciting mineral she hasn’t worked with before, but believes will combust especially impressively. 

“Sure.  Yeah.”  I nod, apologizing at least a dozen times under my breath throughout the clumsy shuffle as Fuse adjusts the blankets and picks up the older baby, steady hand gentle against the back of her neck. 

My hands feel too big, too rough, ill-equipped and shaky as my thumb brushes a blonde curl away from a tiny furrowed eyebrow.  Fuse’s eyebrow as if it had never been burned, focused on something no one else can see. 

“Gods, she looks like you,” Fuse mumbles, looking down at the older twin in her arms, temple on my chest. 

“Are you kidding me?”  I kiss the top of her head, “did you hear her screaming?  All you.” 

“This is your morning face,” she insists, “exactly.” 

I look down at the babies, the older one’s grumpy face and the younger one’s blonde curls, seeing Fuse in every twitch of tiny fingers. 

“We have to name them,” I say a bit slowly, awkwardly, trying not to show how nervous I’ve been for this part.  It’s obvious that Fuse picks up on it anyway because she kisses my shirt and sighs, settling in for a conversation she’s obviously too tired to want to have.  “I can’t keep referring to them as ‘older’ and ‘younger’ in my head.” 

“One and two?”  She offers and I shake my head. 

“Of course, when I have my first opportunity to mess a kid up for life, I double down.”  I can’t imagine shoving some of my own generational baggage down onto either of the nameless girls’ beautiful, wrinkled faces.  I’m not going to lie, I feel like I’ve gotten off the hook a little bit because Eret IV, Hiccup IV, and Stoick III are all out of the running just due to gender. 

“Sounds like you,” Fuse wakes up enough to mull the problem over properly, “they don’t look like Nuts to me.” 

“Do twins names have to go together?  Like a set?”  I love how our house feels like an extension of my mind, like anything I think, I can say out loud and it’ll find purchase, not judgement.  “Thunder and Drum.  Or rhyme?  Inga and Helga.”  Nothing sounds right, and Fuse agrees from the way she shifts, silence heavy, shoulder digging into my ribs.  “Purchase,” I gesture to the baby in her arms, “and Free Gift The Merchant Threw In For A Loyal Customer.” 

“That’s a little wordy.” 

“Maybe we should work off your name?”  I don’t bring up mine and she doesn’t either and I love her so much I don’t know where to put it all.  I’m glad for the girls to collect the love that feels like it’s spilling over.  “Fuse, Grenade, and Aftershock.  Casing and Powder.  Blast and Shrapnel.” 

She snorts half a tired laugh before sitting up a little straighter, “wait, Shrapnel.” 

“I was kidding.” 

“I’m not,” she tickles a chubby foot that has escaped the blanket bundle on my lap, “she is the second wave of destruction after the explosion.” 

“Fuse and Shrapnel.”  I mull it over and nod, “I like it.  Halfway done.” 

“The easy half,” she bounces the little girl in her arms. 

“Just because Shrapnel is a side effect of an explosion doesn’t mean she’s not destructive,” I chide gently, that heavy bond in my chest deepening when I look at the baby on my lap and tie a name to her. 

“No, I—whatever we choose has to sound good with Chief in front of it.” 

“Oh.”  I swallow, “I hadn’t thought of that.” 

“The future Chief of Berk,” Fuse says quietly, messing with chubby fingers until the baby girl’s face furrows. 

I want to deflect.  To say something stupid about how Shrapnel could stage a coup at any time.  I want to tell Fuse that she doesn’t have to worry about that now, just how I want to tell her that she doesn’t have to worry about the mantle of Chief’s wife. 

But she’s right.  And as much as I hate needing it, especially now, her support makes the hazy future feel possible. 

How much can I really mess up this dad thing if Fuse is helping me? 

“So, it’s got to be easy to pronounce,” I swallow hard, “you know how Christians have problems with Viking names.” 

“And it has to be strong.  If she looks like you this much already, of course she’s going to be strong.” 

I don’t see any of my scrawny, freckled mess in the baby’s perfect little face, but it’s not the time to argue. 

“I hope she’s smarter than me,” I rest my cheek on Fuse’s head, “a little quicker on the uptake, maybe.  Some of your common sense couldn’t hurt.” 

“So, something with some strength, some wisdom.”  A smile leaks into her voice, the kind of sly smile that usually only follows billowing smoke and destruction, “something that looks good in an Edda claiming victory over an enemy.” 

“There are a few Sigrids in my family tree,” I offer, “victorious, wise, easy for Christians to pronounce as they run away screaming.”  

“Sigrid Haddock, Heir to the throne of Berk,” Fuse whispers like she’s scared to say it louder, like I’m not the only one who feels like I’m going to wake up to some other, worse reality.  “How do we make it official?” 

“I think I just tell Rolf to write it down,” I kiss her ear, the top of her head, trying to communicate how amazing she is and knowing I’ll never quite get there, “one of the perks of being Chief.” 

Fuse hums in agreement, half asleep, and I’m settling in for a shift as her dedicated pillow when the front door swings open and the midwife steps inside, asking how Fuse is doing and leading a small group of people along with her.

Tuffnut is first, holding a stuffed Zippleback toy half his size with a white knuckled grip and a worried expression that I recognize as similar to my own before I realized that Fuse was ok.  My mom is white faced but excited, eyes widening when she sees the baby on my lap.  My dad is with her, also searching for the babies, counting really, like he also doesn’t trust the good news until he catalogs everyone. 

Hiccup trails behind a little bit, as unsure if he’s invited as his name is in my head, and I kiss the top of Fuse’s head as I wiggle my arm out from behind her, standing slowly, carefully, Shrapnel’s tiny body more precious and fragile than anything I’ve ever held. 

“Can you shut the door?”  I ask when the Snoggletog wind whips through the room, trying not to panic when the gust of cold makes Shrapnel’s face screw up as she lets out a single, indignant cry.  “It’s ok,” I bounce her like I’ve seen Rolf do, but it doesn’t seem to cheer her up any, “your grandpa is shutting the door.” 

“On it,” he says too quickly, and if I weren’t so busy trying to prevent my baby from crying, I’d comment on how Hiccup sounds like he’s about to join in. 

“Two healthy baby girls,” the midwife assures as the door clicks shut and my dad tosses a log on the fire without me having to ask, “one healthy mom.” 

Mom. 

Fuse is a mom. 

It’s the first time I’ve heard it and I look up at her, again searching for some sort of change, something that’s getting away from me.  But she’s still Fuse, thanking her dad for the Zippleback and rolling her eyes when he ruffles her hair. 

“One overwhelmed new dad,” Hiccup jokes and I nod, willingly admitting to that much. 

Dad. 

I’m a dad.  It’s different when people say it out loud. 

“Do you want to hold her?”  I ask, glancing at Fuse to double check that it’s ok, but she’s already handed off Sigrid to her dad, who’s cooing enthusiastically over her and saying something about the chaos she’ll cause. 

“Y—Absolutely,” Hiccup nods and I carefully rest my daughter—I have a daughter.  I have two daughters—in his arms. 

“Hold her head.” 

“Of course,” he says, humoring me, even as Mom steps up beside him and gives me a fond, exasperated smile. 

“He has held a baby before.” 

“You haven’t been a dad before,” he tells her gently, voice low as he rocks Shrapnel, “he’s got to be protective, he can’t help it.” 

“She’s beautiful.”  When Mom looks between her husband and me, there’s a ghost of that old ‘what if’ I used to hate on his face, but now it just makes me think about what it would have felt like not to be able to hold my baby the second they came into the world.  “Older or younger?”

“Younger,” I nod, “by all of a few minutes, so I don’t know how much it matters but…” 

“It’ll matter to them,” my dad points out, very carefully taking Sigrid from Tuffnut and smiling at her. 

“Ruffnut never forgave me for beating her on the way out,” Tuffnut shakes his head, “you’ve got a long life of guilt trips ahead of you, little miss.”  He frowns, “assuming this one is the girl twin.” 

“They’re both girls,” I correct him, risking the few steps of distance from my parents to stand next to Fuse, hand on her shoulder. 

“Yeah, but which one’s the boy?”  He asks and Fuse sighs, exhausted. 

“Dad, there’s no boy.” 

“But they’re twins.”  Tuffnut looks around the room confused and for the first time today, the midwife is looking at someone other than me like they’re the dumbest person on Midgard. 

“Twins who are both girls,” Hiccup cradles the head, like I asked, as he hands Shrapnel carefully to my mom. 

“Yeah, but which one’s the boy?” 

“Neither,” I say, the room feeling a little smaller than it did a few minutes ago.  A little more cramped.  “Because they’re both girls.” 

“No, really,” he laughs, “which one’s the boy?” 

I look down at Fuse, her pale face barely sustaining her irritated expression, and sometimes, the Chief mantle isn’t as heavy as I feared it would be. 

“Ok, everybody out,” I clap my hands together before reaching out towards my dad, “baby please.” 

“I’m just asking—”

“Tuffnut,” I nudge my chin towards the door as I accept Sigrid, “get out of my house.” 

“Mom needs her rest,” the midwife is finally my ally, helping me herd the extra family towards the door. 

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” My mom asks, hesitant to hand Shrapnel over. 

“I’m good,” I insist, feeling overwhelmed but symmetrical when she sets the baby in my free arm.  

“Come on,” Hiccup takes her hand and tugs, and I don’t know what to do with how easy it is for him to be on my side right now, but I’m glad for it, “let’s get back to the feast, I have a lot to brag about.” 

“If you’re sure—”

“He’s sure,” Dad helps move her towards the door and then we’re alone again.  The four of us. 

My family within the family. 

Fuse yawns, scooting down in bed a bit with a wince that makes my chest hurt. 

“Get some rest,” I look down at the babies in my arms, both of their eyes closed, their barely there weight soothing.  “I’ve got this for a while.” 

“You could put them down and come rest with me,” she offers, already comfortable in the center of the bed and I smile. 

“Maybe later,” I shrug, barely, my always moving hands finally forced still like Fuse is always trying to do.  “I’ve got a lot to tell these girls, might as well get started.” 

“They need to sleep too,” she says like she feels like she has to, but she’s looking at me with a soft, hazy expression I can’t possibly deserve before she yawns again. 

“I’m not stopping them.”  I adjust my grip and Sigrid’s little hand escapes the blanket, fingers curling reflexively against my shirt.  “They like my voice, remember?” 

“I love you,” she says, quiet and sleepy, tugging the blankets further around her shoulders. 

“Love you too.”  I’m not sure if she hears me, because her light snores start almost immediately, chest rising and falling evenly under the covers. 

I walk to the small front window, mostly to check on the snow, but the torchlight in the village catches my eye.  My village. 

I look down at my daughters.  Our village. 

“This is Berk,” I whisper, swallowing hard and watching the fluffy snow drift towards the ground, casting shadows across my babies’ faces when it passes in front of the moon.  “Our home for eight—well, nine generations.  It snows so much that the only way you can really tell that it’s winter is when you haven’t seen the sun for the better part of a month.  The food is…mostly mutton, I’m not going to lie to you.  Lots of mutton now that we have fewer dragons than ever, but that’s alright, the ones sticking around are family.” 

I’m unsure what to do with the feeling that this day, this conversation, this moment is the first of many, not part of a countdown, but I’m glad for the change. 

[angrylizardjacket]

ask your destiny to dance [6] {Roger Taylor}

[masterpost]

“What are you doing here?” Ash’s voice is hostile, and Roger waits with his snare in his arms, just around the corner of the building. He’s not following her, or at least, he didn’t mean to; he’s just packing up his drums, like he did after every show. Sure he was a bit earlier than usual but that didn’t mean anything.

“Sweet girl, I wanted to see you.” The voice is teasing, like she should have know this already, masculine, low, and it makes Roger nauseous. Finally he peers around the edge of the building and catches a better glimpse of the man from the bar, who is now standing less than a foot from a tense and confused Ash who leans against the door to the bar.

“You- why?” Already her voice has softened, but it seems he still makes her uncertain, if the tense set of her shoulders is anything to go by. But then the man’s reaching out, resting his hands on her upper arms. “You’re not mad at me?” She asks, relaxing under his touch, looking up at him with her big, brown eyes. Something in Roger’s gut twists at the sight.

“Of course not, baby girl.” He’s got her accent, Roger realises, and something in his chest tightens as the man places his hands on her shoulders coaxing her away from the door so he can wrap her up in a hug. Roger can see her trembling as she hugs him back, a soft confusion written all over face. “I’ve missed you.” He tells her, voice a murmur, but in the crisp, night air, it’s loud enough that even Roger hears.

“Why are you here, Gus?” Ash is the one who steps back, out of his grip, leaning back against the door. Roger can see her hands shake when she pulls half a cigarette from her breast pocket.

“I wanted to see you again, make sure you’re okay.” And the man, Gus, takes her hands, gently taking the cigarette stub and throwing it away before he laces his fingers with hers. She doesn’t even protest.

“And Kira?” She’d asked, voice so soft that Roger almost didn’t catch it, and the man in question shook his head with a smile as he leaned in, murmuring something that only she could hear, pressing kiss to her cheek.

“Oh, my sweet girl, you look so good.” He mused, voice growing a little louder, stepping back to admire her, and though Roger wants to gag at his tone, syrupy and full of obviously fake revere. Ash actually giggles, and not insincerely. “As beautiful as the day I met you.”

“You think so?” Voice uncharacteristically young and hopeful, it’s so unlike her that Roger’s pushed to the end of his patience, and rounds the corner with his drum in hand, not even acknowledging the pair as he heads for his van, though the way Ash jumps back from the man as if he’d burned her, it does little to ease the discomfort in Roger’s chest.

“Hi!” Suddenly flustered, Ash moves around Gus to stand between him and Roger. He’s not really sure why she’s bothered, there’s so much distance between the back door and the van, but he thinks it might be so that they look less suspicious. It’s not working.

“Hey.” Roger says, tone clipped as he says it, fumbling for his keys as he opens the back doors of the van.

“This is, uh, August.” She’s aware of how strange it sounds, how guilty her words come out, and when Roger’s sat his drum inside the van, he finally turns to get a good look at the man. The man with a hand on Ash’s shoulder, making direct, unflinching eye contact with Roger, smirking.

“August, this is Roger, he’s in the band.” There’s a waiver to her voice that Roger doesn’t like, and he can’t bring himself to smile at her. Everything feels so wrong, and Ash looks so guilty, like she’s been caught red handed.

He’s handsome by any definition, but not by Ash’s usual one. High cheek bones, hair gelled up into a neat quiff with a few sparing grey strands running through it that only served to make him look more distinguished, as did the dark, well groomed stubble on his jaw. He looks to be in his late 40s, in a pressed, well tailored suit, and shoes that Roger would consider too formal for even an explicitly formal event, so out of place in the dingy, pub setting. And his hand is still on Ash’s shoulder.

Roger doesn’t want to think about why it puts him on edge, just knows that it does. August takes long, deliberate strides before he reaches Roger, holding out his hand.

“August Reid.” His smile was sharp, and when Roger took his hand, he held it a little too tight, a show of dominance. “You guys played very well.” It’s the least sincere compliment Roger’s ever received; he wants nothing more than to punch August in his smug face.

“Roger.” After a beat, he leaned against the edge of the van, crossing his arms. “So how do you know Ash?”

“Ashley.” August correct automatically, and Roger can see the way Ash flinches out the corner of his eye, still looking a little mortified, avoiding looking at both of them. August doesn’t see it, his smile widens just a little bit, all sharp teeth. “I taught her back at Saint Andrew’s, I thought I’d stop in while I was in town.” 

“He was my Art History professor.” Ash confirms from behind him, and Roger freezes where he’s looking at her. He’s never seen her like this before, demure, shy; she’s always consciously made an effort to appear larger than life, to compensate for her size and sweet looks, but now she looks so young. She can’t even bring herself to meet his gaze, but he can tell she doesn’t know he saw their earlier exchange, if she did know, he thinks she probably wouldn’t be so honest about that.

“Oh,” is all Roger can say, before he snaps out of it, moving past where August is trying to be intimidating, up to Ash who’s leaning against the back door, “Rocket, can you move, I’m trying to pack up.” She doesn’t even fight him on it, tell he can walk around the front the same way as he got here. With the door opens, he hesitates, reaches out to touch her arm, and when she looks at him her expression is surprised as he tilts his head in a silent question, asking if she’s okay.

“What?” She snaps, frowning and shifting out of his grip, a spark of her old fire returning. Roger’s moment of softness receded with his eye roll and he lets the door slam closed behind him. Part of him knows that August was watching the exchange. By the time he’s pulled down the rest of his equipment and is ready to haul it out, Ash is behind the bar, cheery as ever, and August is nowhere to be found.

“I thought you were studying fashion.” Brian muses into the balmy night air. The band had stayed until last call, intrigued about the newcomer, waiting until Ash was taking out the trash for the night to ask her, the four of them chatting around the van, Mary looking quite tired and leaning against Freddie, but enjoying their company..

“I am.” Ash agreed, seemingly back to her old self now that August had left, grinning like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “This isn’t my first go at uni.” She admitted, and Freddie nodded, passing Mary his lit cigarette.

“I thought he was a talent scout or something; he’s well dressed.” Brian half smiled, and Ash chuckled, shaking her head at him, smile bright. "What was his name?” He asked, and Ash looked a little shocked, looking to Roger, who was suddenly avoiding her gaze.

“Rog didn’t tell you guys?” She asked, smile fading a little into confusion, and Roger snorted out a laugh.

“Told them he seemed like a prick.” He scoffed around his cigarette, and Ash flushed, frowning at him.

“Oi, don’t be mean, Rog! It’s just how he is, he’s always been a bit of a-” and for the barest moments they lock eyes and Ash turns a hilarious shade of pink, they both somehow know what she was about to say, he’s always been a bit of a dominant one, but she can’t bring herself to say those words out loud. She doesn’t want to say it for how it would sound, how it would make the others suspicious, but she knows Roger already is, even if she doesn’t know the full extent; it would be funny if the implication didn’t make Roger’s stomach turn, “a bit of an alpha male, you know.” After a beat, she clears her throat. “But yeah, Doctor Reid is my old Art History professor.”

It doesn’t escape Roger the way she doesn’t say his first name.

“What made you change your mind?” Mary yawns, passing the cigarette back to Freddie, and Ash fixes her with a fond smile. Since Freddie had introduced the women, they’d become fast friends, and Roger had never seen anyone as ready to fight as Ash when the dudes start leering at Mary.

“This was the only place that I could do what I wanted to.” And it sounds so honest that Roger’s tempted to believe it, if not for the memory that surfaces.

It’s her, a few months ago, bathed in moonlight, her head on his chest and his arm around her, ‘I was kicked out of uni once before, you know?’ her voice is thoughtful and he laughs, a little incredulous, asks how, but she’s grinning at him with that wicked smile of hers, and does a good enough job of distracting him that he doesn’t even realise she doesn’t give an answer.

“I’m surprised you even remember his last name,” Freddie laughs, “she couldn’t name a single lecturer on our timetable this semester.” And the others laugh, but Ash just rolls her eyes.

“I don’t want to know their names, it’s not like we’re gonna be friends,” but she does concede after she turns to head inside, “Doctor Reid is a friend of my dad’s, I’ve known him since I was sixteen.” And she smiles so blithely it somehow takes some of the shock out of her statement for Roger, who chokes on the smoke of his cigarette. 

“How did he know you were here?” John’s question cuts through Roger’s spluttering, and Ash stops in her tracks.

“What?” She asked, suddenly confused, a little defensive, as she turns back.

“How did he know you’d be here?” He asks again, so calm and unflinching, not looking away from the sudden flicker of doubt that cross Ash’s face.

“It was coincidence, Deaky; just luck is all.” She says, but her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She heads back inside. 

The next time they play there, he’s back, and Ash is a sweet, flustered mess, and the dichotomy of this, and who Roger knows her as, is a little shocking. Even Maureen seems concerned, though she doesn’t say anything.

“He’s too old for you.” Roger makes it out the back before Ash does during her usual post-gig break. August went home halfway through the night, and Ash had returned to her normal bright, if a little sultry, bar-persona.

“Excuse me?” She snapped as the door slammed closed, and she looked to where Roger was sitting on her usual milk crate.

“You heard me.” Roger responded, something easing in his chest at the comfort of hearing the hostility in her voice that she’d used when they’d first met. It also hurts a little, to think how he’d prefer the hostility to the cute, blushy mess that August brings out in her. “I saw how he looked at you.” 

“Watch your accusations.” She snapped, but there was actual anger in her words, which surprised Roger. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” She growled, and it was cold hostility; it wouldn’t lead anywhere fun, and Roger didn’t know how to face this. “I’m an adult, dickhead, so don’t think I can’t make my own decisions.” And her accent’s a little stronger, but her words take a moment to process. “He’s a friend-”

“He calls you baby.” 

That shocks her into silence, and after a moment, a cruel, cold smile spread over her face. They both know, now, that Roger knows exactly what’s going on between her and August. He’d never been good at anything apart from blurting out exactly what was bothering him, and this time was no different.

“Are you jealous? Were you eavesdropping on us? What the fuck?” And there’s no warmth in her harsh laughter. “This is why I don’t do casual.” She spits, and Roger’s whole face lights up with shock, and he barks out a laugh.

“Jealous? Oh Ashley,” and when he says it, she flinches again, and he regrets using the name almost immediately, but he can’t help digging himself deeper, “no, I’m just interested in what a goddamn doctor, who’s almost fifty, mind you, is doing being interested in a girl like you.” 

He watches as she actually has to take a step back, her mouth falling open in shock, eyes suddenly shiny with tears, and he knows he’s fucked up.

“A girl like me...” She whispers it with a laugh, smiling sadly, before finally meeting his gaze. “He... he likes me, Roger.” And fuck, she sounds so vulnerable it’s like a punch to the gut. “After everything I’ve done, he fucking likes me.” And after a beat, she stepped forward. “He still thinks I’m good, and that’s all that matters.”

She cuts her own break short, slamming the door as she heads back inside, leaving Roger to the silence of the car park.

the ususal suspects: @deakydickfanpage @hollyissuchahoe  @laueecakee@smittyjaws @crystalshines2909 @i-am-sarah @legendsaresooftenwarnings @2ptonpt@benhardy24-7 @maiilovely @mickey-yr-a-goner @butter-times @heyyouitskay @tired-eyes-fairy-lights​ @yepimthatperson @missieluvsmurder @ironqueen98 @ceruleanrainblues​@banhbao329 @fantasticchaoticwho @ko-kitty @seven-seas-of-hi @mimisfangirlfantasy @aadjuric

[kittykatknits]

Hi hi! I just read an answer of yours where you said you have a theory about Sansa being an empath. I'd love to know more about it but couldn't find anything here. Did you write something about that? If so, could you please send me a link for it?? Bye, and thank you so much, I love your blog! :)

Anon asks: What’s this theory about Sansa being an empath? I never heard about it before.

First, thank you @twiseei for those kind words! :)

Ok, the Sansa as an empath theory. I’ve written about it before, but not actually here on Tumblr that I can recall. It’s not a popular idea, by any means, but there are others I’ve discussed this theory with in the past.

First, Sansa as an empath is something I use as way to engage with the text. It’s not a theory that I would argue strongly for or tag as meta because it’s closer to crack. I believe the fandom term is tin foil, yeah? So, I listed it specifically as my theory because of it. It’s one of those things that makes the books more enjoyable for me. Honestly, I rate this as more believable than Howland Reed is the High Septon but really far down the list when compared to something else, like Aegon is a Blackfyre.

The idea of Sansa as an empath first came to me sometime after aFfC was published, don’t remember exactly when. It was the result of exploring magic as part of Sansa’s story line. Specifically, the idea that Lady is still a presence for Sansa even though the wolf physically died in the first book.

Jon says this in the very first chapter:

Your children were meant to have these pups, my lord.“

Then we get this is in Eddard IV (bold emphasis mine):

Bran’s wolf had saved the boy’s life, he thought dully. What was it that Jon had said when they found the pups in the snow? Your children were meant to have these pups, my lord. And he had killed Sansa’s, and for what? Was it guilt he was feeling? Or fear? If the gods had sent these wolves, what folly had he done?

If the wolves were sent by the gods and the Starklings were meant to have them, then it is possible that Lady’s death alone is not enough to sever the link between Sansa and her wolf?  If the link is still there, then that leads to wondering how this link is shown.

Now, we see Sansa’s siblings all have wolf dreams throughout the story, even if they don’t realize that’s what they are. It would make sense that Sansa does not because of Lady’s death. But, there are two incidents that always made me wonder:

Tyrion dressed himself in darkness, listening to his wife’s soft breathing from the bed they shared. She dreams, he thought, when Sansa murmured something softly—a name, perhaps, though it was too faint to say—and turned onto her side.

-Tyrion VII, SoS

We don’t know if it is a name or who’s name it could be at that point. But, it’s possible we are told later:

That night Sansa scarcely slept at all, but tossed and turned just as she had aboard the Merling King. She dreamt of Joffrey dying, but as he clawed at his throat and the blood ran down across his fingers she saw with horror that it was her brother Robb. And she dreamed of her wedding night too, of Tyrion’s eyes devouring her as she undressed. Only then he was bigger than Tyrion had any right to be, and when he climbed into the bed his face was scarred only on one side. "I’ll have a song from you,” he rasped, and Sansa woke and found the old blind dog beside her once again. “I wish that you were Lady,” she said.

-Sansa VI, SoS (bold emphasis mine)

She has a restless night, full of dreams and many names appear in that description. Yet, upon waking, it is Lady’s name Sansa refers too. This led to the idea that Sansa may not have wolf dreams in the same way as her siblings, but she still has dreams.

So, if Lady is still with Sansa, how would it be displayed? After all, she’s not up north with Jon and Bran, surrounded by the old gods. She’s not with Arya at magic assassin school. Sansa is in KL and the Vale, interacting with Cersei, LF, Joffrey, and other real winners. Her story features politics, diplomacy, and court intrigue. Her mantra is “courtesy is a lady’s armor.” Superficially, it appears magic plays no role in her story at all. Yet, the old gods sent her a wolf and Lady is still with Sansa, at least in her dreams. There is some magic, even if it isn’t to the same degree as the other Starks.

If magic, and a connection to Lady, is part of Sansa’s story, I wondered what it would look like. Her courtesy, and how to wield it, is a skill that grows in the story. We first see her wielding it in GoT when she meets both Renly and Barristan. Later, it comes out in a more polished manner in her Winds gift chapter. Sansa puts a lot of effort in thinking on what to say, how to present herself, what to wear, and so on. She studies people and tries to determine their thoughts and motivations.

Despite this, there are times when it appears almost instinctual for her. There are other exmples, but I’ll limit this to only a few. First, there is this interaction with Tyrion:

“I would sooner return to my own bed.” A lie came to her suddenly, but it seemed so right that she blurted it out at once. “This tower was where my father’s men were slain. Their ghosts would give me terrible dreams, and I would see their blood wherever I looked."Tyrion Lannister studied her face. "I am no stranger to nightmares, Sansa.

-Sansa III, aCoK

Her motivations have nothing to do with nightmares, but a desire to continue seeing Dontos. The lie came to her suddenly and she blurted it out. It’s different than the lie we see earlier in the book, when she struggles to save Dontos. It comes easier to her and it turns out to be the perfect thing for her to say. Tyrion believes her. Later in the same book, she sings to the Hound:

Her throat was dry and tight with fear, and every song she had ever known had fled from her mind. Please don’t kill me, she wanted to scream, please don’t. She could feel him twisting the point, pushing it into her throat, and she almost closed her eyes again, but then she remembered. It was not the song of Florian and Jonquil, but it was a song. Her voice sounded small and thin and tremulous in her ears.

- Sansa VII, aCoK

It’s very similar to her earlier interaction with Tyrion. She remembered, it came to her, she says it because it feels right. As it turns out, the Mother’s Hymn was exactly the song to give, the influence on the Hound is still being felt when we later meet him as the gravedigger.

Finally, we have this observation by Tyrion:

Without his father beside him holding him up, he would surely have collapsed. Yet when Sansa praised his valor and said how good it was to see him getting strong again, both Lancel and Ser Kevan beamed.

- Tyrion VIII, SoS

That passage takes place during the PW when Tyrion and Sansa are in the yard. Here, Tyrion explicitly describes them performing the necessary courtesies which Sansa does with Ser Gyles and a few others. However, her compliment leaves Lancel and Ser Kevan beaming. Not pleased or thankful, but beaming. If we take into account what happens to the two of them further in the story, Sansa’s compliment is an incredibly powerful thing. Kevan is broken up over what happened to his son, to a degree that Sansa would have no way of knowing about. Somehow, she stumbled upon the perfect thing to say. And she did it effortlessly.

Now, Sansa lies a lot. Like a lot. She lies about her love of Joffrey and loyalty to the IT, which no one believes. She lies about going to the godswood. She lies to SR because some lies are kindly meant. She lies to LF because she knows what he wants to hear, lies and Arbor gold. She lies to the Lords Declarant., thinking how her tears would help. She plans what to say and how to behave all through the books.

Yet, every once in a while, something will spill from her lips, without thought or plans, and each time, they turn out to be the exact perfect thing to say. In the first example, she did it to make sure her escape plans continue. In the second, she did it with a knife to her throat while the Hound is suffering a very obvious break.

Sansa, as a character, is strongly associated with empathy, probably more than any other in the books. She helps Lancel, tries to comfort Lollys when crossing the drawbridge, talks to the women during the Blackwater, understands the Hounds’s fear of fire, and so many other examples I could go on for hours.

But, she doesn’t have a wolf to ride with into battle or protect from an assassin. She doesn’t have a wolf to tell her of the free folk close by. But, that doesn’t mean Lady isn’t still protecting her in some way, even if she is physically gone.

So, what if Lady is that instinctual part of Sansa, the unexplained? If Sansa was meant to have her, maybe she still does in some way.

Also, other traits of an empath that Sansa displays: knowing things without explanation, feeling the emotions of others, knowing when someone is lying (she’s getting much better at this), looking out for the helpless (Dontos and Lollys), creativity (singing and dancing, needlework), daydreaming (think of her love of songs and stories).

Basically, this theory is taking certain traits of Sansa, specifically her natural empathy, which is only growing stronger, and trying to connect it to Lady.

Like I said, this is something I consider closer to crack, the textual evidence is weak. It is not something I would present as an argument when discussing Sansa’s character. However, I do believe there is something to the idea of Lady still being with Sansa, even if we don’t (and never will) understand what that something is. After all, the gods sent her the wolf, Sansa was meant to have her. If Lady is a part of Sansa, then that part is already in Winterfell, waiting for her to return home. And I am absolutely convinced, that connection, whatever it is, is not so easily broken.  

[lovebunnie]

nick carraway and jay gatsby are both gay and heres why

its 11:30 at night and i have class tomorrow but ive been itching to make this post for about a week so im gonna do it. this wont be centered as much around jay and nick being in LOVE, since id have to read and analyze it a bit more to make honest to god claims and opinions for that, but these r some of the reasons that point to both of these characters being completely gay. also, im going to be issuing some points from others sources, but ill include links to the original texts which i recommend reading!

1

so the great gatsby was written in 1925, a time full of alcohol, financial bliss, and parties like u would not believe. many of these themes are prevalent in the novel, making themselves known all throughout. even the term ‘gatsby-like’ is extremely well known. needless to say, this book is extremely well known in every front. one of the ones i saw the most was calling the great gatsby ‘the greatest love story ever written.’ and before i read the novel myself, i wouldnt have been able to tell u any different. but when u read it, and really, how u analyze it, really shapes how u see the characters. to some people, it really could be an amazing love story. but to me, this story is written about someone obsessed with a facade, denying himself who he is, and a man who watches his downfall and can do nothing to stop him.

one very important thing to acknowledge is how this novel is told: its told completely in nicks perspective. we only know how he feels, we only know these characters based on how nick sees them. it is immediately biased towards nick. and what he does is describe a hell of a lot of people. but it is very distinctive in the way he does it; men and women are very differently described.

nick describes daisy in her voice and the power it has over people. all of nicks flowery language goes into daisys speech, but not in great length about what daisy looked like. with jordan, nick does a bit more describing in the way she is ‘small-breasted’ and had the ‘shoulders of a young cadet.’ these traits are masculine, and we know from the novel that nick does enjoy jordans company and he does say he ‘enjoys looking at her.’ hell, even the name ‘jordan’ is traditionally masculine. nick sees jordan leaning more towards masculinity than femininity. but even still, the flowery language is not as grand as it could be, not as we know nick can get.

its when nick is describing men that things get bold and expressive. even while describing tom does nick go into great and intimate length with him;  ‘ He had changed since his Haven years. Now he was a sturdy straw haired man of thirty with a rather hard mouth and a supercilious manner. Two shining arrogant eyes had established dominance over his face and gave him the appearance of always leaning aggressively forward. Not even the effeminate swank of his riding boots could hide the enormous power of that body he seemed to fill those glistening boots until he strained the top lacing, and you could see a great pack of muscle shifting when his shoulder moved under his thin coat. It was a body capable of enormous leverage -- a cruel body’ the author of this paper literally said this passage ‘pulses with sexual energy,’ and this is for a character nick doesnt even like. it obviously means more in the way nick describes him, has more heart and passion put into it.

and now gatsby, who nick, in the final chapters, dwells on even more. we know gatsby is attractive, that much we can tell without nick even really having to describe him. but even in a single paragraph about his smile does it provoke more feeling than anything else about daisy or jordan;  ‘ He smiled understandingly-- much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you might come across four or five times in your life. It faced --or seemed to face-- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.’

like. damn nick. this is only about gatsbys smile. this was no accident or cruel twist of fate; nick is enamored with jay and obviously finds him attractive and also enjoys looking at him, like jordan. nick sees men and women differently. this could be chocked up to ‘it was the olden days’ and ‘sexism,’ but nick isnt rude to these women, nick is simply not interested in them, at all.

but how do we know nick is gay? wheres the textual proof? its written out word for word, you just have to know where to look. and where to look is at the very end of chapter 2.

so chapter 2 does a lot for the plot; it basically introduces nick to the life these people live and makes him see how unappealing it is. we meet a large cast of characters and expand on others, like myrtle, her sister, and most importantly to the subject of nicks sexuality, mr. mckee.

mr. mckee is described as a ‘pale feminine man’ and nick offhandedly describes the smudge of shaving cream on his cheek. weird right? later in the night, nick describes himself as ‘ Taking out my handkerchief I wiped from his cheek the remains of the spot of dried lather that had worried me all the afternoon.’ nick has been LOOKING at this married man all night and cleaned him up when he was messy like come ON. plus, a ‘pale feminine man’ could very easily be a stereotype of a gay man, especially in the 1920s.

but then comes the most important part about nicks sexuality in the entire book: the ellipses.

the great gatsby is relatively short, only about 200 pages or so, give or take. fitzgerald would not include anything he wouldnt need, as he is also an expert in metaphors and making things seem as they are not. everything is masterfully placed and paced, making it seem to flow like water. 

the scene in question describes mr. mckee and nick on an elevator, leaving the party. mr. mckee walked out, leaving his wife, and nick decided to follow. heres the scene:

Come to lunch some day,” he suggested, as we groaned down in the elevator.

“Where?”

“Anywhere.”

“Keep your hands off the lever,” snapped the elevator boy.

“I beg your pardon,” said Mr. McKee with dignity, “I didn’t know I was touching it.”

“All right,” I agreed, “I’ll be glad to.”

. . . I was standing beside his bed and he was sitting up between the sheets, clad in his underwear, with a great portfolio in his hands.

“Beauty and the Beast . . . Loneliness . . . Old Grocery Horse . . . Brook’n Bridge. . . . ”

Then I was lying half asleep in the cold lower level of the Pennsylvania Station, staring at the morning Tribune, and waiting for the four o’clock train.

LIKE. WHAT.

those ellipses separate the time between nick and mr. mckee on the elevator and nick and mckee at his home, with one in underwear and then nick leaving for the train at 4am. there is a large gap of time missing from this, and nick decided to leave it out while fitzgerald decided to keep it in. it means something, and the use of ellipses gives the audience enough to know what is happening without explicitly telling them. it is the authors ‘wink wink nudge nudge’ to the audience. think of the environment nick was in; tom was cheating with myrtle, the heavy metaphor of the eyes watching over the sins we think no one can see. this party was full of mischief and nick fucked a married man.

mckee does not seem intoxicated, he invites nick out to lunch while gripping the elevator handle, which are always objects shaped like dicks. plus in the novel, the scene does feel somewhat out of place; nick does not spend too much time discussing the interactions between mckee and himself, it seems thrown in. i get the impression that nick almost didnt want to include it it his writing, and put it in last minute. however, nick is fictional and i dont have much to go on off from an almost 100 year old book. its open to personal interpretation, but it seems like nick and mckee had sex and nick left on the 4am train, leaving mckee in his underwear at his own home looking through his pictures.

even at the beginning of the novel, nick is planning on living in a house with another man before the plan falls through and he goes to washington dc. could this be a failed boyfriend? we cant say. but it is a possibility.

nick carraway ends the novel mourning his friend jay gatsby, moving back to the midwest alone and away from the glitz and glam of new york. his ending does not involve getting married and having kids and riding off into the sunset, which seems bittersweet for our narrator. however, given the way things planned out for other characters, this is the best ending we could hope for for nick, one away from the destruction and one where he can at least begin to to to be happy again.

and now we move onto jay.

ill admit, this has little to do with textual evidence; i cant point out a place where jay fucks a dude or describe the way jay sees men and women; with nick being our narrator, again, he only know his perspective. but we do hear things about jay from other characters, how he acts and acted before nick and the type of man he is.

wolfshiem describes jay as ‘ very careful about women. He would never so much as look at a friend’s wife.’ this means that jay knows women and knows when to back off, never advancing on someone he had no claim to. this is very important to me for several reasons.

1. it implies jay is not a cheater

2. it implies jay has been around enough women to know who is who

3. it shows jay is respectful

this also says to me that jay is not bi; he only has eyes for daisy, and not other woman. and those eyes for daisy are questionable.

we know daisy and jay had last seen each other 5 years prior to the events of the novel. in that time, jay had collected numerous things about daisy, built a house just so he could see her, and blew thousands of dollars every weekend for parties in hope that daisy would show up, even obtaining money illegally just to impress daisy.

jay gatsby is obsessed with daisy.

this is obvious from the text, the behaviors he puts forward are strange and creepy in pursuit of daisy. gatsby stares longingly out the window, cant hold a conversation with nick, and flat out bolts out of a restaurant to avoid embarrassment. he is an awkward guy, no doubt. and he lives his life as trying to be someone else, specifically, the man he thinks daisy wants from 5 years ago. when the car crashes with myrtle, all gatsby cares about is how daisy feels; when hes literally about to get ganked all he thinks about is daisy, daisy daisy daisy.

this isnt love, and i think deep down, jay knows it. this is the equivalent of dudebros who go above and beyond to prove they arent gay but end up the most gay of them all. gatsby is compensating for his feelings and trying to push the limit to deny himself more and hide back into the closet. he wants to seem the most manly he can get and basically say ‘wow i love women! i love women so much! look what i did for this woman! look at how much i love her!’

daisy is the first person jay felt he could be himself around, could begin to feel happy. and when he went to war, he no longer had something to push all his feelings onto. plus he was surrounded by other men, and for someone so in denial about their own sexuality, it probably drives them to pretty bad places. pretty obsessive places. he needs daisy, not because he loves her, but because he needs to security blanket. he needs to feel validated.

those glaces and stares out at nick feel like cracks of the real jay poking through, one who likes men but cannot admit it to himself. after all, as a man so attached and desperate for the ‘american dream,’ back in the 1920s, that did not include marrying a man. jay lives with internalized homophobia and tries to calm his nerves with his pretend love of daisy.

i could go on and on about this forever but its 12:30 and i have class.

if u take nothing from this, let me leave u with these main bullets:

TL;DR

nick fucked a dude

nick describes men erotically while he describes women very dully

nick almost lived with another man

jay is obsessed with daisy to repress his emotions

the separation and wartime made things worse for him

his internalized homophobia causes the plot

his longing stares out the window at nick are cracks in his facade

ty and goodnight

[one-more-for-the-sky]

[01/12/18, Friday]

its day 11 it started out rocky again due alarm problems. what the hell! it's been ringing at 850! im supposed to be out the door by 850 or sooner but 850 is definitely the latest i can leave the house that i could speed into work. but mom needed me to come home anyway (yeah i work for my mom. its good work and i take it seriously and anyone who wants to look down on me for it can suck it; i'm doing the best i can right now with all the coliding mental stuff. i'll talk about later on in this entry) John left some of his notes on a certain issue one of our clients is having at the house and i picked them up. kind of lucky there. we loligagged a little. i took out our new pet bunny. she's surprisingly very cuddly for a bunny. i have no prior bunny experiences mind you but still. not what i expected from a large rodent. or any rodent or smaller than a cat like animal. my gliders are certainly not that well behaved though i don't expect it either, energetic and lithe creatures that they are. still she is more endearing than i anticipated. i still am not very fond of rabbits but this one is okay. we chatted for a minute about my baby sister's room. and i was off with the notes and to grab john some water and get gas (not in that order). fridays are my favorite because its a slow day and people generally dont bother me much.

the last bits of yesterday where kind of exhausting and i find myself really challenged by the excuitive function disorder i have. i kept thinking about where i want to put this or that and thought to myself, just do it! but ultimately didn't. i rewarded myself too early. to my credit, i was exhausted. but still. today i will try to work first THEN reward myself. it is a habit of mine and it enables my EFD (excuitive function disorder). so basicly i just played a lot of video games yesterday.

i just feel jittery and unfocused for right now. hopefully it will change.

the house is a mess of laundry. i am sensing a much needed "20 minutes of cleaning" (read: 120 minutes of cleaning) from mom which is a chance for attitude from everyone. not excited. so when i get home, i'll definitly clean first. i think i'll start with tiding up the dinning room because that's really how you can tell if the house is in dire straits. If the dinning room is messy then it is time for a family cleaning session. i didn't even make the mess. i would agree to cleaning the kitchen or do the laundry but nothing else, but that's not going to fly, really. i should either start in the music room or the dinning room... Probably the dinning because you see it when you walk in and its the most visible eye sore, and then the dinning and move to the kitcheny part the den, the den i'll leave to vannah and mom. savannah's stuff is littered across the floor and even for me, its agrovating to look at. but i have to remind myself that my baby sister is probably worse of than me when it comes to EFD and adhd. there is definitly going to be a fight about that, i can feel it. i hope im wrong though.

mom suggested i log what i end up eating. at the time, i was offended by the suggestion. sounds silly but you have to keep in mind the historical obsession about my weight and food intake my mother has expressed over the years, sense i was small and still very impressionable. i still don't really know what to make of it, all the dietary routine changes i was mad to go though and shamed for. i was 13! 14! 15! I was young and still growing. i was in an important part of my developing as a person and myself worth, and what did i learn? that im too thick. i didn't really think i was at the time, but how can i say no to the person driving me around and im not in charge of my destination? it was wholy unfair... im not really saying that this is the root of all my self-esteam issues but it didn't help. not only did my peers see me as imperfect and flawed, so did my family. its hard to think about. i try to forget. so therefore the suggestion of working out, of listing what i eat or anything else by mom is offensive initially. in hindsight, yeah it a good idea. i just hate to admit it because of the implications.

speaking of my peers, my social/educational/school experience in childhood? fucking. awful. about the time i was in 3rd grade i really started to notice people didn't like me much. i can't remember much else than that. i know i wasn't a popular person in 1st or 2nd grade and i'm not even going to count kindergarden, but 3rd grade is where most of my memory begins. my teacher didn't even like me then. said i was a trouble maker and a bad person. not to me, but she made the mistake of saying that to my mother. why did she say that? because i decided i was going to clean up the class room. she said i was a manipulitive little trouble maker for cleaning her class room. this is were my earliest descriminations against me and my adhd and learning disablities really begins and i remember it. forget about my peers for a moment; my teacher hated me for reasons i didn't even know or understand. i wasn't even that hyperactive like some with adhd, but i did have an issue with attention and being a little disruptive with my best friend. at the time, pokemon was the new wild thing and i was utterly obsessed my friend was too, but that was my doing. instead of paying attention, we were playing. i was just a kid being a kid. when it came to start doing the standardized state testing, no one explicitly stated how important these tests were. i seem to remember someone saying that they were just practice and didn't count towards a grade and i thought oh okay, so its okay to mess up. so much so, i chrismas treed the whole thing. the whole goddamn thing, i just put in random bubbles just because i wanted it done and out of the way of whatever. well. that was the catalyst to a lot of issues i had from then on. without the consent of my mother or any discussion to anyone, they placed me and my friend in a "special ed" class, where you basically just colored stuff and glued stuff together and what not. i was in this class for half of a year before our parents found out and were enraged. upon finding out, they rained hot fiery war upon the school, they tried to cover it by saying how worried they were, that weren't sure i could even read. they didn't do any testing. they didn't ask me or my mother anything. long story short, that's a lot of school i missed. it put me behind in reading for years until i was in 7th grade. from there i struggled because of the things i missed out on because a teacher didn't like the disabled child they were responcible for. i think about that a lot. i think about all the late nights being screamed at because i wasn't doing well and struggled in elementry school things. i remember certain things my mom did that i dont really wish to describe, but while school was a battle sometimes going home was worse. it wasn't always like that, but if mom was in a mood, it went there.

my peers were really no better. a throughout, i was very much picked on because i really liked certain things, and they were my hyperfixations. and i was weird and my teeth were wrong. some of my favorite things ive been called when in elementry school: a cockroach, r-slur, someone said they humped me (they didn't but it was still humiliating), called me useless, made fun of my teeth, made fun of me because i made eye contact with people by saying i had a crush on anyone i looked in the eye (it mortified me as a kid because i definitely did not like any of those assholes, i still struggle with this), i was told that 9/11 was my fault, people tried to cut my hair, people stole from me, spat on me.... it was rough. i'm going to stop talking about it for now.

mom, if you're reading this, then you're probably thinking wow, is this really all i think about? or wow i guess im just a terrible awful mom (or some reverse guilt trippin thing you tend to do to try and make me feel bad for validating myself and addressing what you do that hurts me, even though you're the adult and primarily in control of our relationship) or also wondering why i never talk like this about my father. my father doesn't know me. i am my dad's only child and all he knows about me is that im gay, what i went to college for, and basic likes and dislikes. beyond that, my dad doesn't know me. maybe its the same for my sisters and everyone else but im my dad's only child. i have no competition with him for attention.

i've also have been thinking about myself growing up and my relationship with my sisters. full disclosure: i was not as nice to my sister sabrina as i am today. i was mean. i acknowledge it and think about it all the time. i mean, i was no more a kid myself, but i wasn't nice at all. i didn't even think nicely of her. and worse, i was nicer to savannah than i was her, and im sure that killed her a bit. mom would talk, beg, for me to be nicer. i wasn't like her abusive sister, but it felt like i was taking notes. in part, i blame society and media for what learned about being a sibling. most media i saw and consumed growing up, siblings hated each other, were mean to each other and competed against one another for attention, even in cartoons, that's what i picked up on, and internalized, obviously. my parents obviously didn't do anything to reassure me of that not happening, but i can shoulder some of the responsibility. i have to keep reminding myself, and others that i was just only 8 or 9 or 10 when my sister was born and i already had all these thoughts in my head but by the time i was 13-14-15, it starts to  be a combined effort of me and my parents and upon 16-17-18, i made little to no move to change my ways. i sincerely regret it now. after college and being apart from my family for so long and learning powerful lessons on what stands against the grains of time the strongest, family - particularly my sisters - became the centerpiece of my life. in college i met some interesting people, but the most notable thing i remember hearing from some of them, was how much they hated their siblings, younger or older or otherwise. just hated them for whatever reason. im not sure what exactly i thought, except that i was tired of listening to people act like this and that i had sounded like this too. and after failing some classes and being abandoned by friends, i realized the most important connection i could make was to my siblings. from the moment i decided to stop bad-mouthing them, i embraced them, their quirks, and loved them with everything i had. i still get aggravated with them ofc bc yaknow, nothings perfect, but they were perfect as they were. all i wanted and still want to do is spend time with them. i constantly think on how i was when i was growing up, especially for my little sister sabrina. i wasn't kind, as if the i didn't even know the word. i apologize a lot for it. every so often, i take her aside to talk to her about it. im still afraid to full acknowledge just how much damage i might've caused, but its still my responsibility to make it right and to mend it. sabrina, bless her, tells me not to worry, that she understands, that she doesn't remember a lot, except for a few things that make me cringe at myself. i apologize a lot. even now i am still sorry. i hope i am making up for it. i hope she doesn't grow to resent me, as i likely deserve. i love her so much i just want her to be happy and fulfilled and safe. i hate myself for how i was.

and i worry. a lot. its not exactly the same, theres a lot of different aspects to their dynamics, but i sometimes see myself in how sabrina acts towards savannah and it worries me. savannah is a lot less forgiving. a lot closer to bina's age and therefore harder to impress later on should sabrina change her tune. they both go at it though. savannah gives as much sabrina does, and especially so that she's 13 and moody as 13 year old typically are. all the same, i feel like the example i led has won out to the example i try to lead now and it frightens me. i want all 3 of us to be close. for all we've suffered together, to be alone in the world once our parents are gone frightens the shit out of me. more than anything, i want us to remain close. all three of us. i worry a lot about our relationship with each other...

anyway, so yeah i'm currently living with and working for my parents. i do take the work seriously even if doesn't look it and im proud of my (few) acomplishments. and living with them has its ups and downs. it feels good on hand to start from the ground up on how to like. live. how to be a person. or something. sorry i know i was going to go into this, but the previous topic got me down a little. i'm changing the subject.

my desk came in early, and im excited to put it together. can't wait really.

eh. i'm bumbed. will consider the listing of foods i eat.

peace.

[dykedykegooses]

i'm askin u every single even numbered question for the lesbian ask game

at least you didnt bother with the algebra this time, for which i am thankful

Femme or butch?

i’m more femme but i try to act butch sometimes and i just end up failing hopelessly. ‘look mom i know how to put air in a tire!!’ ‘peyton thats like… not even right’ or ‘oh SHIT look at that blitz!! that was cool’ ‘peyton that was a sack’ ‘oh’

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

not really, mostly just like… humor. if u funny we click

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

why not both?

no but seriously plaid tbh

Describe your style

um yes

converse, (ripped? sometimes) jeans, and whatever top i feel is appropriate for the Big Aesthetic today

Describe your aesthetic

yes

ive tried going more punk but its just kinda , not worked

my physical aesthetic is very adultolescent. i got chub and look like a freshman but ive been told i pass as a college senior so like

my Big Mood aesthetic is yes

Favorite article of clothing?

either my converse or my “”combat boots”” (theyre not and it makes me sound like an edgelord just saying that) (can you tell im gay)

OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY JEAN JACKET its like baggy and light and ive started sewing patches from my favorite bands on it (super punk right)

Favorite pair of shoes?

^^^

oh my black strappy heels, theyre surprisingly comfortable

Current haircut?

ive got a bleached bob rn

Any haircut goals for the future?

i kinda want a pixie cut bc i cant handle long hair however long hair is so PRETTY and wow

Describe the best date you’ve been on

iiiiiiiiii dont really know. ive been on very few. i have a Perfect Date in mind, and i guess my favorite was my first date with my ex. we had gotten back from a successful science competition (HAVE I MADE IT OBVIOUS IM A NERD YET IM A BIG OL NERD) and it was like midnight by the time we got back and we were both starving so we went to taco bell and just sat there talking and laughing and i know we were pissing off the staff, but we stayed til like two in the morning and we went home and honestly we both considered it a date but we didnt like… tell each other it was a date? if that makes sense? idk honestly im triggered

Describe the worst date you’ve been on

ugh oh god i went on a tinder date and this girl like in the DMs was like ‘hey do u smoke weed’ and im like ‘lol no’ and then like we made plans to meet up at a coffee shop and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed and im like……………. no and shes like ‘oh right lol’ well THIS BITCH sleeps through the time we were supposed to meet, completely stands me up, and then texts me back like an hour later and was like ‘omg im sorry i overslept!!!’ and it was like….. noon but ok so we meet up after my class and we just sit there really awkwardly trying to make conversation and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed im like ‘honey no i dont’ and we just talked about drugs for a while and when i left because i had to gtfo she like gave me an awkward hug and like i sent a text later that night bc im courteous and im like ‘hey i had a great time today’ (i didnt) ‘lmk if you ever want to meet up again!!’ and she just. ignored me lol.

Single? Taken?

im currently in a polyamorous relationship with myself and my anxiety

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

:)

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

someone who’s able to make me laugh and deal with my bad ideas and will let me cook for her and wants to travel the world with me

Describe your dream wedding

its small. outside. maybe in a field or in front of a lake. i dont personally want a big ballgown, just a short white dress will do. lavenders everywhere. R A I N B O W  C A K E. reception where we slow dance to all the sappy romance songs. its great.

Do you want kids?

not really, but ive considered being a foster parent. i feel like im here to do good; i don’t want to have my own biological children, and im not sure i want to have the permanent responsibility of adopting a kid, but i feel i could handle fostering once we’re financially stable and have the room to accept children into our home.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

spain, definitely. somewhere in the north. i want to have a small farm with goats and chickens and vegetables and i want to be away from this american mess.

Favorite lesbian movie?

well ysee…………. the only two explicitly lesbian movies ive seen have been ‘all about E’ and ‘blue is the warmest color’ and i didnt like either of the lmfaoooo i prefer watching lesbian television shows tbqh (or, most commonly, just rewriting all the female characters in my head to be sapphic sooooooo dont @ me)

Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i mean same as above, i dont read as much as i like to. however, i did read “georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit” and that was Really Good and i did read another that was slightly better, but i forget the name but it was about a pakistani (?) girl who was struggling to come out to her parents bc they were very traditionalist but she joins the theater and her like really elite school and the girl she had a crush on basically outs her and is a bitch about it and GOD i wish i could remember it because it was really good

Favorite lesbian song?

ummmmmmmmmmmm i just recently listened to ‘honey’ by kehlani and that was pretty good and pretty gay, but my personal favorite is ‘girls’ by beatrice eli bc holy shit what a Mood

Favorite lesbian musician?

i love mary lambert and beatrice eli.

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

ummmmm now that im thinking of them i cant think of any. i used to play softball and soccer? i love cats. i immediately start planning out the next five years of our lives together anytime im remotely interested in a girl?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i mean………………. no

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

well bake cookies w me and lets go for a walk & go out and watch the stars at night in the bed of a truck

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

I LOVE LOVING GIRLS!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!! GIRLS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

why not both

idk ive never had a cat but i know i lov them

Turn ons?

i.......... dont know

yes

im gay

Turn offs?

long nails youch theyre pretty to look at but i mean at what price

not having anything to talk about

putting yourself down like a lot (i went on a date w this one girl and that was all she did like the entire date like......... im sorry ? :(???)

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

if im being honest i would love for someone to ask me out but since that is Very Unlikely, i tend to be the one to message first and initiate dates and stuff

What is your dream career?

i want to be a psychological researcher in the field of social comparative psychology how sick is that!!!!! just play with dogs all day and record whether or not they boop their noses on a screen

also i wanna be a farmer and a bookstore owner but thats Farther down the line like , when im 50

Talk about your interests or hobbies!

im honestly such a psych nerd i love psychology what the fuck!! its so interesting like ppl are weird man idk brains are weird

im also having a really big green day phase like billie .. he so smol... and also anyone who wants to bash warning or the trilogy can fight me ok those are like My Favorite Albums

im going to a concert in february to see declan mckenna, a Giant Meme

im getting a tattoo w some lyrics of declan’s actually its gonna be sick

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

yes

idk for me its being able to have quick, witty, skillful jokes i just love listening to girls talk and tell stories and jokes like wow im gay

also long curly hair? thats always a Solid Look

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i mean. do we really wanna open this can of worms rn

too late, its open

i get those microcrushes where you like see a girl and youre like ‘WOW IM GAY DATE ME’ however once it comes to actually being in a relationship i throw my full weight behind it and worry that im being too suffocating or that im pushing my boundaries etc and ive been told that makes me come off really cold and uncaring so lol choose ur own adventure, you decide

Ever fallen for your best-friend?

unfortunately

Ever fallen for a straight girl?

can you even call yourself a lesbian if you havent

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

i havent seen it, im such a fake lesbian

Favorite comfort food?

mac n cheese

or pizza

or cheesy potatos

OR CHEESY TOAST

scientific conclusion: im a fatass

Coffee or tea?

coffer

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

im vegetarian!! have been on and off for like two years now

Do you have any pets?

i have one pup sittin right next to me and shes the prettiest girl in the world

Early-riser or night-owl?

yes

idk i get up at like 9 which is early for me but not as early as like. 5. so

more like night-owl. thanks teenage hormones!

What is your sign?

pisces

Can you drive?

yes

can i drive well?

no

but i do have a sense of direction so thats cool

Who was your first lesbian crush?

tbh.................... my best friend, but i didnt realize it was a crush at the time

the first Gay Crush i had that i knew was a crush was on my close friend at the time, now my ex girlfriend

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

uhhhhhhhhhh lesbian specifically, like 15-16. queer, i knew in like fall semester freshman year (so like 13??)

At what age did you come out (if you have)?

i mean, i come out to people all the time. first time i came out explicitly as a lesbian was when i was like 15 or 16 (actually i came out to a close straight friend and my ex and they both said ‘congrats’ like it was weird but very nice) and the first time i came out as queer/questioning was to my then-best friend at like 13 and i came out to my mom (involuntarily) at like 17? ish?

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

yes im crushing on every girl simultaneously at all times

just kidding

(not really)

i dont really have any explicit crushes that i can think of im just really gay

Talk about how your day went

it was fine. got free froyo so that was cool. found out i made an A on my bio practical, so that was cool too. however, i wore a crop top and it was like 55 degrees out and raining so i looked like a total Idiot but yk follow ur slutty gay dreams amiright ladies

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

most of mine are career-centric, but a few are personal.

i wanna go to costa rica in may, i wanna go to yale over the summer, i wanna go to NYC pride in june, i wanna go to spain after i graduate, i wanna go to grad school, i wanna be a psychological researcher, i wanna move to spain or england or hell even france, i wanna have my own farm with the woman i love, i wanna own an LGBT bookstore/library, i wanna just live a quiet life near the sea and not have to worry so much after a while.

Least favorite gay celebrity?

this is a weird one to end on, but iiiiiiim not sure i have one? i can tell you ellen page is probably my favorite, but i cant think of many i dislike so

[volchistamoved-blog]

okay, im gonna go into a sort of play by play in regards to how much marya changes as a person throughout the book. most specifically im going to focus on how marya changes from her first year in buyan before her official marriage to koschei. 

OKAY. so about the age of 16 marya was taken away from her home in russia and whisked away. ive made a post and spoken before about how marya’s naivete and her insatiable desire for change get the worst of her. marya thinks to herself ‘ i hate it here. please take me away, let me be something other than marya, something magical, with a round belly. frighten me, make me cry, only come back.’ marya is undeniably MISERABLE in her current situation. deathless doesnt explicitly mention dates often but from what little it does mention you can assume marya was born around 1908-1909, and communism ravages russia around 1917, when marya is about 8. 

communism ruins the economy and before it maryas family was pretty well off, you can assume this by more than merely maryas descriptions of their lovely house. a girl at her school calls her a ‘bourgeois’, the girl says, ‘ “you’re not one of us,” the girl sneered. “what does the revolution need with crazy girls? go home to your mansion and your bourgeois parents.” ‘ beurgeois means of or characteristic of the middle class,typically with reference to its perceived materialistic values.

as i was saying previous, after maryas three older sisters are married off, communism strikes and marya and her family must share their home with twelve other families. and those twelve families all have four children each. none of these children like marya, she explains that some of them take her rolls at dinner. the economy is so poor that marya talks often about how hungry she is, and in time how her beautiful hair grows thin and brittle. and to further her misery, the children at school do not like her, she has no friends, she lives in starving isolation and she has to take up a factory job at some point as well.

when koschei arrives he is everything she could ever want, he is the promise to remedy every misery shes ever felt. hes a beautiful man kneeling before her in the snow, he is the magic she has hungered for so relentlessly since she first saw the birds. he is the promise of a full belly and a better life. she promised herself she would never leave to marry a man who she did not see as a bird first, as her sisters had not seen their husbands as birds. and she thought this was such a skewed way to enter a marriage- she did not want that for herself. but her desperation for change, for better blinds her to it.

her trip to buyan set aside the next time you see marya she is well settled in buyan, she is spending time with her new friends and it is not long before you see some difference in marya’s character. marya’s friend lebedeva is angry at something her other friend naganya does and lebedeva tells marya to punish her as she promised to behave. marya does not simply punish her, she sits on her and places her hand over her mouth as hard as she can so that she cannot breath. until she cries. 

marya is very much more wild a girl from her year of time but there are many things to imply that she is still such an innocent, well girl. when baba yaga takes her to the the factory of yelena’s marya vows to herself that she will save all of these girls that koschei has taken before her. 

and then there is how she perceives the war at this point, marya is very detached from the war of life and death that koschei always fights, she asks him at one point, how the war is going, he says badly, and she says the war is always going badly. there is another occasion where the evening after she sees the yelenas in koscheis factory, she tells naganya she has to see him, that he will wrap her in his arms and refute her worries about the yelena’s. naganya tells her not to, that the war is going badly. marya says, the war is always going badly.

i dont need to elaborate on each event but marya is a much more emotional fragile girl, shes prone to snapping and baring her teeth like a wolf. but you can also see the woman she will be in small gestures she makes. when facing a dragon marya simply crosses her legs and squares her shoulders for she will not show him she is fearful. she earlier, looked at him carefully measuring his mood before she spoke. volchya-yagoda, one of koschei’s horses, says to marya ‘ oh, marya, of course you can’t! even after a year with us you are gentle and kind yet! perhaps more keen to bite and be bitten, to steal and fight, but how warm you are still. how willing to do as you are told. that is no girl to right the mortar. you do not have it in you. come, i will take you to the north wall. you can feth her bauble, and on one will be wiser. ‘ not only do you still SEE much of the softness and girlishness in her from her behavior but someone even says it. although it is here you begin to see the changes in her, for she will not meekly cheat, she thinks she must do this for herself. 

the ultimate tell tale of how much marya has changed is how she treats koschei before and after her marriage to him and ultimately after the time skip. she is so TRUSTING of koschei before she marries him, she thinks even after she sees the yelena’s that koschei must have a reason, an explanation that will make everything better for her. and she thinks that to herself all the while she does baba yagas trials. and after she does the final test, where she steals what she believes is koscheis death and returns to both baba yaga and koschei she is heart broken. she cries and cries because koschei does not speak when baba yaga compares her to the yelenas that have tried to kill koschei in the past. because he calls her a mere girl and because she knows  now he lied about where he hid his death. and it is then that she feels positive that he really did lie to her about the yelenas. 

it is on the day of her wedding that marya is changed forever more, the girl inside her dies and the cruel woman she becomes emerges. she quite literally describes her girlhood dying as something shaking free inside of her. deathless is very prone to substantial time skips and the next time we see marya morevna she is an adult, a general to koscheis war, sitting in her war tent. her knee aches and she is in need of glasses but she is spiteful of her aging while no one else does too.

ivan comes into maryas tent there are important things to not, both in relation to how much she has changed and how much she has not at the same time. she tries to be cruel to ivan but as fate would have it she cannot, she will fall in love with him, she will leave koschei for him. she knows it already. the most important part here is that marya falls onto ivans chest and weeps, she says that she has not wept since the day of her wedding. for retrospect, that was around 12 years ago. which gives you some insight into the fact that marya has hardened her heart so much in those years.

and then there is when she sees koschei, when he finds out that the boy she has with her is an ivan he is furious. and later that evening they fight, marya’s response at dinner is most notable to her change, when koschei gets angry she does not quiver or fear. she grabs him by his face and tells him ‘ you will not deny me.’ she literally says, 

“ don’t you dare speak to me like that. i have worn nothing but blood and death for years. i have fought all your battles for you, just as you asked me. i have learned all the tricks you said i must learn. i have learned not to cry when i strangle a man. i have learned to lay my finger aside my nose and disappear. i have learned to watch everything die. i am not a little girl anymore, dazzled by your magic. it is my magic now too. and if i have watched all my soldiers die in front of me, if i have only been saved by my rife and my own hands, if i have drunk more blood than water for weeks, then i take the human boy who stumbled into my tend and hold him between my legs until i stop screaming, you will not punish me for it. are we not chyerti? are we not devils? i will not even hear your punishment, old man. “

this is important, one of the most important turning points for maryas character. because prior to this koschei was always above her, he always had the upper hand and she was always so docile to him, perhaps she had a bite to her, a little cruelty. but prior to this marya would never have spoken to koschei this way. but we have also missed a LARGE portion of maryas life, the last time we saw her she was likely around 18 or so and now she is a grown woman, likely close to her 30′s. and marya has grown and changed very much since then. koschei is much softer toward her as well, as soft as he can be that is. the balance of their marriage is beginning to tip. koschei begins to show that he truly cares for marya, he begs her to never leave him, he says curse me, do anything to me, but never leave me. and later when they meet after dinner to have sex he tells her that she should leave. that she should go with ivan and grow fat with a child and live happily. he says he doesnt mean it but i believe he really does wish for it, if it is what will make marya most happy. 

marya leaves that night, she takes ivan and she returns home, to her old home, the one she grew up with. and she realizes that she does not feel as happy here as she thought she would. ivan leaves and marya says “ it was all wrong. she was supposed to have found warmth here, like ivans warmth. life, and living. “ she lies on the kitchen floor and falls asleep. later when speaking to zvonok she says “ i wanted to be alive again. i wanted to be someone else.” and its so clear, in even these first moments that marya is discontent already. she feels torn and wrong in this world she left as a girl. she doesn’t feel like she belongs but she cannot go back to buyan and it is here that she begins to feels so empty. she has moments of brightness, moments with kseniya and sofia, they grown close. but all in all marya is not happy here and she was not happy there. marya’s life is fated to be an endless list of tragedies. 

and the story changes once more, koschei comes back for marya, and from what we know he has never returned for another woman. he has merely locked the yelenas away in his factory. but for marya he returns, he kneels before her front door and he weeps and says once more to her, “ i have come for the girl in the window. “ and marya finds her first semblance of joy. marya locks koschei away in her basement and makes ivan promise to never go down into it. i won’t in this post eleborate more on the end of the book, i already went on a bit of a tangenet. but this is important because these are things marya never would have done as a girl. as a girl she was loyal to koschei to a fault, she would never waver from his desires, she would never lock him in her basement and divide herself between he and another man. but marya is a woman changed by war and koscheis cruelty, by his lack of understanding that she is merely a girl, a girl with a heart and a need for love. koschei never once tells marya he loves her, until after he returns for her, he tells marya he loves her. and i think that says a lot about their marriage. there is also the fact that you know they took lovers over the years, each of them did. however this is a much different type of divide, marya never would have loved any of them like she loved koschei, but in her own way she did love ivan. i would say more for what he represented than anything else. i think she loved koschei more than anyone else.

by the end of the novel marya is a wise woman, a very sad woman, a cruel woman who sometimes forgets how to be a person, what it is to be a person. she feels she connects much more with demons, with koschei, her time with them made humanity seem so foreign she struggles with it always. but there is a kind heart in her, a loving heart. it is buried but there still. 

[lj-writes]

Finn the cold-blooded killer?

I have one question for people who believe that Finn, as written in The Force Awakens, never showed regret for killing his former comrades:

Do they also believe Leia, as written in the original trilogy and more recently in TFA, never grieved her family and friends lost in Alderaan?

We never get a scene with Leia explicitly mourning the destruction of Alderaan, after all. (I’m talking about the theatrical releases of Episodes IV-VII, not media tie-ins and EU works.) We don’t see her wake screaming from nightmares, we don’t see her break down crying, we don’t see her discussing her feelings about Alderaan. Therefore she never cared about her family, friends, and people lost with her home planet, right?

Because, when you think about it, this is the exact same metric that’s being applied to Finn when some fans say he never regretted attacking his comrades and possibly killing them. We don’t see him discussing what he did during his escape from Starkiller Base, we don’t see him talk about or otherwise express his feelings. Ergo, he never had any bad or conflicting feelings about shooting at his former comrades. Right?

But, you might say, of course Leia deeply mourned the destruction of Alderaan. We know that she cares deeply for people and would go to any lengths for those she loves. Besides, what kind of unfeeling monster would feel nothing for the destruction of her home planet?

Oh, really. Oh, reeeeally. Because Leia is a warm, caring person and not a cold-hearted monster, it stands to reason that she was deeply traumatized by what happened to Alderaan even if the movies did not explicitly show it. So, applying that same logic to Finn, it stands to reason he was unaffacted by shooting at his Stormtrooper comrades because...? Because he’s a violent inhuman monster because Reasons? And what would that Reason be? Because he shot at his former comrades and never showed regret- oh, snap! Circular reasoning! Finn is bad because Finn is bad, what a feat of logic!

The above in itself should demonstrate how ridiculous this whole attempt to smear Finn is, but I’ll go further and demonstrate that TFA does in fact provide clues to show that Finn had very conflicting feelings indeed about his actions, exactly as Episodes IV onward had many clues to show Leia grieving Alderaan and grappling with her trauma. The only requirement in both cases is that you start out with the premise, or even just the benefit of the doubt, that both characters are capable of empathy and love. If you accept this premise for Leia but not for Finn, then really you’ll have to examine your own reasons why.

(TW discussions of trauma, survivor’s guilt, and suicide below the fold)

Leia first: After escaping the Death Star she consoles Luke about the loss of Obi-Wan, telling him there wasn’t anything he could have done. That scene can read very easily as Leia talking to herself as much as Luke. Her own grief is too huge and raw to touch at the moment, and if she were to start talking about her own feelings she could very well break down and stop functioning. Taking care of a grieving Luke, on the other hand, that was a manageable task and a way to start poking at the edges of her own crushing wound.

Also, when Leia told Han and Luke that the escape from the Death Star was too easy and they were being tracked, that showed two things: a) She’s really freaking smart, and b) she was knowingly leading the Death Star to the rebels’ secret base. Let that swirl around your head a little; she was leading the weapon of mass destruction that had destroyed her home planet before her eyes straight to the heart of the rebellion. It was a brilliant and desperate last gambit, of course, to bring the Death Star to the very place where the Rebellion’s full strength was gathered for a kill-or-be-killed fight. It paid off beautifully in the end, too.

However, while the strategem was ultimately a success, and it’s possible there was no other time or means to meet the Empire at the Rebellion’s peak strength (the way they were close to disintegrating in Rogue One certainly suggests so), it was still unthinkably risky. The Rebellion would have been dealt a blow it would never have recovered from had Luke not made his slam dunk.

So yes, Leia was brilliant but also incredibly reckless. I wonder what made her so willing to brave the risks to herself and the entire Rebellion from the very superweapon that had (we assume, again the premise being that she is a human being capable of emotional devastation) dealt her indelible trauma. It’s almost as if she was acting recklessly out of grief, isn’t it? As if she were suffering from survivor’s guilt and wouldn’t mind too much if she met the same fate as her people who had been destroyed before her eyes?

Then there’s Episode V and the evacuation from the Rebellion’s new secret base in Hoth, where Han shadowed Leia making sure she also left and did not stay behind in a base under Imperial bombardment. Again, in the same context as the leadup to the Episode IV finale, it stands to reason that she has been showing disregard of her personal safety and those closest to her were keeping an eye out that she did not commit, in effect, suicide by enemy--likely the only form of suicide she could accept, due to the circumstances of her loss and the kind of person she was.

I could go on, but I think this is enough to show that it’s a very reasonable conclusion, though not made explicit, that Leia felt severe grief and survivor’s guilt from the destruction of Alderaan, and showed classic symptoms such as focusing on others who had suffered loss and recklessness about her own--and in some cases others’--safety. Again, this is assuming that you accept it as a given, or at least a strong possibility, that she is capable of such feelings.

What about Finn? I have only one movie’s worth of material to examine about him, but one basic contradiction shows up very clearly to me. This is Finn’s outright refusal, at first, to face the First Order in a fight once he got away from Death Star Jr. Starkiller Base. And that should feel odd, because we know Finn did not back away from a fight with armed opponents--that he’d fired without seeming hesitation, even with evident fience joy, at former comrades in the course of his escape. This incident is at the center of anti-Finn fans’ charge that he is a ruthless killer. Yet, due to his unwillingnes to face the First Order, other anti-Finn fans call him a coward for wanting to run away. So which is it?

One possibility is that he fought in an adrenaline-induced berserker state when he was defending himself, but later realized what a close call he’d had and that he should get as far away from the First Order as possible before his luck ran out. And while that’s not an unreasonable inference, it also conflicts with the fact that Finn is not known to back down from challenging and dangerous confrontations. This is the guy who couldn’t go through with the easy “fight” of mowing down unarmed villagers, putting himself at immediate risk for his refusal, and then willingly chose the infinitely more dangerous path of freeing a Resistance pilot and breaking through the defenses of the First Order’s premier weapons facility. So it doesn’t quite fit that Finn would not willingly choose risk outside the heat of battle.

Remember our starting assumption here, the same assumption that makes it possible and reasonable to read heavy trauma and survivor’s guilt into Leia’s actions: That Finn, like Leia, has relatable human feelings. When you plug in that assumption, it becomes possible to read another dimension into Finn’s fear of the First Order: That it wasn’t confronting the First Order that he feared, but rather what he would have to do to fight it.

I mean, think about it. Where did Finn’s seeming joy at shooting his way out of Starkiller Base come from? In no small part from having a fight he could finally believe in, no doubt, but doesn’t it also stand to reason that it was actively cultivated in soldiers like him? He was, after all, taken from his family and trained up for one purpose: To be a mindless soldier for the First Order. Isn’t it not only possible that probable that a lifetime of training surfaced in the heat of the fight, leading him to fire on the enemy of the moment to survive?

Isn’t it also very possible that he felt sick once the dust had settled and he could think clearly again, thinking of the people he might have hurt, wondering if the people he knew were among the dead and wounded, hating what the Order had made him into?

Is it possible that he was willing to run to the literal edges of the known galaxy and lose himself forever rather than have to face that part of himself again, to become what the Order had made of him?

That he was, deep down, more afraid of himself and what he might become than of the First Order, and was running from being put in a situation where he might have to kill and hurt slave soldiers like he himself had been?

I’m not saying this is the only way to read his story, and in fact the layers of conflicting motivations and complex emotions are precisely what make this character so fascinating. But it is eminently reasonable to read deep regret and trauma about fighting his former comrades into Finn’s actions and choices in TFA, much like it is reasonable to read grief and survivor’s guilt into Leia’s actions and choices in the original trilogy.

We only require the starting premise that Finn is fully human with relatable human feelings, much like Leia.

And if you find that premise easy to accept for Leia but not for Finn, then you need to ask yourself some hard questions why that is.

[anomalagous]

lc’s ongoing long-ass list of what the fuck, teen wolf, and other sundry E606:Ghosted edition.

scott getting a little tiny bit snarly at the sheriff for not believing~~ in stiles gives me life

this old-ass map not only puts beacon hills on top of a real life place called scotty place which still makes me laugh, but also substantially more north and eastward than i originally estimated.

why the fuck didnt naziwolf just get the fuck outta bh?

why did he choose to stay and teach high school of all things?

california requires an 18 month accreditation course and a certain GPA of teachers who do not have an education degree, i know this from direct experience. its been three months since naziwolf busted out of his bacta tank, so what the fuck

if he forged his credentials, how

when

when did he actually learn all of the post WW2 physics and electromagnetics things he clearly genuinely knows and has a genuine interest in?

did the dread doctors read him bedtime stories from their science journals?

if so, what the fuck

i guess if youre an alpha werewolf you can sleep in the backseat with no seatbelt and its not a big deal if you crash

good job on malia being the driver and not crashing them im proud of her

reading the date of the canaan abduction in the standard american way it was april 8th, 1987, which cant be a coincidence given that’s stiles birthday (albeit pre-stiles)

if canaan has been abandoned for 30 years, who has been cutting these obviously not overgrown lawns and trimming these obviously not overgrown accent shubberies

why isnt that flag beat up or torn in any way?

kudos on giving that convertible the old 80s style california plates but why arent any of the windows on any of the cars busted out? no flat tires? no rust or missing doors?

also that shot of the ‘town’ where there was more substantial damage looked fake as hell and the crosswalk was proceeding at the wrong angle and i cant unsee it.

why is there still power running to these street lamps?

for that matter who has their street lamps scheduled to turn on in the middle of the day?

was that block party banner over the street lettered on both sides? it reads properly no matter what side youre looking at, which seems weird.

why is there blood on the carousel? was that explained? we’ve never seen the ghost riders’ gun draw blood that i can recall

im not even sure we’ve really seen their whips draw blood per se and certainly it wouldn’t have caused that kind of blood stain

also why is the blood still wet and red 30 years later? why wasn’t that newspaper rotted out? either time impacted this town to make it shitty as hell or it didn’t, pick one, you cannot have both. it still rains enough in california to totally disintegrate a newspaper in thirty years.

how the fuck did that carousel function even that tiny bit after 30 years in the elements?

why did melissa have to sneak chris argent around, couldnt he have just declined the operation against medical advice?

also good to see scott got his utter inability to lie from his mom

even if malia isnt wearing 100% stiles’ void-hoodie how could the costume department have thought for a minute we wouldnt have thought that was the void hoodie?

malia having a hallucination of theo in the same episode he comes back in for real seemed both rushed and entirely unnecessary.

in fact these hallucinations seemed wholesale unnecessary and neither scott nor malia deserved that nonsense

were all of these dead leaves already on location or did some poor asshole have to ship them in and then ship them out again

come to think of it, at first i was really excited to see coral/eucalyptus trees as they are actually trees that are in california (as opposed to the type of oak the nemeton is, which is distinctly Not a type of tree in california) but then i realized those are Southern California Trees and if beacon hills (and canaan) are that far north and close to the oregon border, the trees should be way more pines and evergreens and not coral or eucalyptus or ... any deserty tree, really.

seriously were these hallucinations just to show malia can feel sad too?

malia was wearing really subtle gold eyeshadow earlier. now it’s dark shadowing up to her browbone. does being a werecoyote also mean being able to shift your makeup at will? cause thats cool

do little girls seriously still play with baby dolls while hitting their first strides of puberty? im beginning to think i was never actually a little girl.

how much younger than malia was kylie supposed to be? bc she looks like 12 here but malia was like... 10 when the desert wolf murdered her family, right? was SHE the younger sister??

teen wolf shamelessly reusing shots with new filters on them like never before. this ain’t even the fifth time i’ve caught them doing this, this season, and i’ve literally never seen them do it in any of the other seasons.

im not sure anybody told kylie’s actress she wasnt gonna get to make out with shelley

how do werecreatures get piercings? or were her ears pierced first before the change?

why does anyone let liam make any decisions, ever?

i do not get why everyone finds naziwolf so hot

seriously i have a little tree-bush exactly like this right outside my door/garage and that shit is wild and untamed in just a month of no trimming in 30 years it would not have that nice slender shape anymore

also trees being choked to death by kudzu or whatever all these vines are dont look that healthy

is there even kudzu in california??? ive never seen so many vines in all my 10 years of living here.

the first house scott goes in theres like no tv in the living room but there is one chair (with no dining table) all alone in the dining room area, which just looks sad.

oh sorry two chairs set up in what was clearly the worlds most melancholy staring contest.

my dentist used to have that exact sailboat wallpaper trim around the top of his exam rooms.

scotts bullying a door.

have melissa and chris argent actually told the pack about the head-biting yet bc i feel like they should know

i think more people have asked scott if he’s okay in this episode than in the last three seasons, which is sad bc it’s basically just lydia and malia that do it.

that one house has some brutal earthquake damage in its exterior wall.

poseys microexpressions are so woefully underrated, he really is brilliant.

i have more grey hair than jr bourne and that makes me really angry

i like that they’re doing alchemy with druidic compounds/hedgemagic/whatever you want to call it more than i could possibly express.

why is there a porch loveseat on the step up to this one house but that FLAG IS ENTIRELY INTACT?

how convenient that all three of them were looking at that window when lenore decided to fuck with the drapery.

that said scott’s resultant HOLY SHIT?!?? face is amazing

how has lenore been surviving in this town, does she not need water, electric, heat, groceries? where did the lemons for the lemonade come from?

all this wood paneling is the most 70s thing i have ever seen in my life

i appreciate the little cast iron redwood decoration with the ‘m’ on the bottom of it.

everything!! in!! this!! house!! is!! brown!!

that piano as a busted af bass key there.

i feel like i’ve seen that other metal flower/leaf decor before. the new version of the stilinski house, maybe?

lenore has an intimidatingly large smile and i feel like that as an intentional casting choice

how come malia and scott couldnt hear her heartbeat after scott explicitly called out that there were no heartbeats? or for that matter not hear that caleb also didn’t have one? (presumably.)

im not 100% sure but i think malia is holding scott’s hand when they enter the dining room area of lenore’s house, which is adorable so i accept no other reality now.

i honestly feel really bad for lenore.

i would say the fisheye lens is s6′s slo mo but the slo mo didnt go anywhere

i dont know if its supposed to be fancy or artisinal or whatever you called that in the 80s but dont put green shit in your lemonade, green shit does not belong in your lemonade. lemons. sugar. water. it isn’t hard.

malia like chugs a good half of her glass at once, but when she sets it back down it is more full than any of the other glasses. i prefer to think she just faked drinking it to try and gain lenore’s trust than it’s a continuity error from the props department.

when lenore starts using her banshee powers to shake the house, it also magically converts the lemonade into water.

lenore has a pair of decorative ducks on her wall but they appear to be two male mallard ducks, so. gay duck decor.

so when does lydia get to have telekinesis?

i dont think im a very big fan of how angela harvey handles scott.

malia did NOT make a fist like she was really committing to trying to punch out that window.

seriously scotts the alpha he doesnt need lydia to give him permission to do things scott thinks need to be done

that being said scott going into the basement with a creepy kid when youre obviously in some kind of horror movie trope was stupid

the cameras they used for the senior pack team were super blurry anytime anyone moved even the littlest bit, its so annoying.

scott barely being tall enough to reach this tiny-ass basement window is endearing to me

there is no way a vhs tape that wet would run. i remember vhs tapes. they were not sturdy.

i feel like we used to have the same VCR in my parents’ room tho

also what the hell camcorder did they record this on that put it straight on VCR, camcorders in the 80s had weird little small VCR tapes you had to put in a converter. that was just a standard VCR tape.

also why are there jumpcuts in the home video? did somebody cut the original footage and THEN put it on a standard VCR tape?  how much fucking work was THAT??

caleb goes from 0 to 100 on the creepy poltergeist scale real quick

well okay maybe from like 40 to 100

banshee duel yessssss

literally why would noshiko do this after she saw what happened with the nogitsune

not that i necessarily think theo is as dangerous as the nogitsune but he is well bad enough

look at this worthless white boy doing this shit against all the advice of the woc around him

why does the sword do this, i thought the power was in kira and not the sword

if the power is in the sword why couldnt noshiko fix her own damn blade

look at this other worthless white boy even more worthless than the first

that looks like melissa is putting like grout on chris’ injury that does not look comfortable

oh look hes screaming imma guess it was not in fact comfortable

gratuitous jr bourne fanservice

awwww theyre holding haaaaands again

how did this kid get on the stairs the last time we saw him he was by the tv, why did scott and malia let him herd him like this

i appreciate malia’s willingness to beat up a kid poltergeist immensely

of the pictures on caleb’s walls, many are pictures of insects. one is a blue crab. one says ‘guten’ on it, which somehow entertains me a lot.

this is the second time this episode has tried to make me scared of carousel horses

the vhs footage loops while no one is attending to it which is not how vhs tapes work

malia is such a treasure

that being said having nearly drowned twice in my childhood this whole drowning-on-dry-land conceit is not super great for me

screencapping this is so gross

i love lydia’s fierce banshee scream face

so the blood was on the carousel before the wild hunt attack, as we see in lydia’s vision. SO WHY IS IT THERE??

THERE ARE KIDS RIDING ON THIS CAROUSEL WHILE SOME OF THE HORSES ARE BLOODY

poor skateboard bro couldnt even take his skateboard like rude wild hunt

i feel like there’s a lot more ghost riders here than there are in beacon hills. maybe the ghost riders just come for particular towns and the ones in bh are actually like... cora isaac and danny.

its amazing how much younger a good foundation can maybe somebody look

did liam SERIOUSLY just tell theo he can kill whoever he wants? did i hear that right? bc that is a TERRIBLE thing to tell theo, who has ALREADY KILLED A LOT OF PEOPLE, even if what you meant was ‘dont kill us you need us’.

i cant believe we got this cheap knockoff as an excuse to not have kira and then they didnt even let him have the powers he needed to do the job

otoh watching his ass get blasted back into the tunnels was satisfying

literally nobody cares if youre okay theo you murderous fuck

i wonder how many times scott had someone steadying him telling HIM he has to breathe like hes doing for malia right here

i should really keep a tally of how many times scott does stiles’ lizard tongue thing while stiles is gone

this is gross of me to think while the character is basically drowning but hey now i know what scott looks like with his bottom lip all wet and covered in somewhat translucent stretchy goo--jizz. okay. it looks like jizz.

scott mccall nearly drowns on dry land after a lifetime of severe asthma and the first thing he does after is ask if malia is ok

luckily THIS time she asks if HES okay to but jeez

he looks so shocked and confused to be asked extra jeez

more scolia handholding, this time while fleeing danger

i was literally three in 1987 and i still have more grey hair than lenore who was demonstrably an adult in 1987 I AM VERY ANGRY

that being said i realized why caleb here’s clothing was bothering me so much. nobody had shorts that long in the 80s. everybody wore short as hell shorts in the 80s. it was thighs everywhere.

these stupid motherfuckers taking theo to scott’s HOME and putting him in scott’s SAFE SPACE without even WARNING HIM oh my GOD

those better not also be scott’s CLOTHES

ok but WHY are the wild hunt trapped? did they BRING the northern lights or is the northern lights related to what’s trapping them?

excuse me but WHEN did lydia see anything related to what happens to people after the wild hunt takes them and why didnt we get to see it too?

seriously its like if scott is thinking of stiles then lizard blep

im so mad at liam for bringing theo back and putting him in scotts house i cant even see straight

and i just know that this anger that scott is being allowed will be it

and in a week or two itll be working with theo like nothing ever happened

im honestly shocked he even got this much

he even got undercut there by malias (also justified) rage

cool that the morrigan got a namedrop but i dont trust them with that story eitherrrrr

man let me tell you if this was martin and not scott and somehow he had been murdered and resurrected and was then confronted with his murderer in his pack house that murderer would not fucking leave alive

im still kind of mad that this season brought claudia back to life just to make her so sketch and make me kind of hate her, i didnt want to hate her

oh okay its a different weird leaf decor piece than the other one

oh yeah noah OKAY NOW youre starting to believe BUDDY you have faith issues

[seekerandthewizard88-blog]

Show Up As You Are

On the topic of service:

 When I think about what it means to serve people, I get this deep sense of soul satisfaction. Everytime I help someone, I feel a great sense of joy and power fill me up from inside - a sense that my existence matters and is meaningful because I can help change the world for the better... and that is something that lasts forever. When I think about actually giving up my time, that's when the fears come up.... particularly the fear of not having enough... I barely have time for myself, how can I make time to serve the world?! Also, I don't know enough yet to have an impact. I have many reasonable justifications for why it's not a good time. It just seems unattainable to me right now. Or is it? Perhaps I am not widening my definition of service enough. Maybe I will not be the person distributing food at the local shelter or marching in a parade for awareness anytime soon. So what does service really look like for me? Because I feel like it's important, I need to ask myself that question or else parts of me are being left unfulfilled due to a sheer lack of willingness to spend time answering that question...

 I woke up this morning and took Ash's advice to listen to an inspirational podcast first thing, which just so happened to be season 1 episode 1 of Magic Lessons, 'Do what ignites your soul.' LG (Elizabeth Gilbert) says if your mother modeled creativity growing up, you become creative. If she modeled martyrdom, you become a martyr. I have seen this firsthand in subverting my creative, collaborative mission with spirit into many tasks that COME CLOSE, but are not the thing... 

 LG talks about her mother sending her and her sister away when she was working on a project. Both Liz and her sister are now writers. My mother never sent me away while she worked on something just for her. My mother constantly gave her time away. Everything she did she did for others. Watching this, I learned that service meant sacrifice, in this instance, to the point that I often wondered about what ignited my mother's soul. There were beautiful clay pots of intricate designs strewn about the house, and an old kiln lived in the garage where every night, my mother would pull the car in after coming home from work and park just up against it to fit into the space. Kilns I later found out were pretty expensive! One wouldn't buy it just for the hell of it. But she never turned it on, and my dad said it probably was no longer functional. She never sold it either.... and over the years it became a collection table for trinkets and dust. My mother made me her mission work and made no secrets about explicitly telling me this, but I wonder what it would have been like to walk downstairs and watch her in her element, lost in a spinning wheel, her hands glistening with wet clay. It brings tears to my eyes for her and for me. 

 I want to see my mother in her creative joy. I NEED to see it and know it as much as I want to remind her that it still exists. I want her to teach me her skills because they are also in my veins asking to be shown. I need to know how to access it, especially now. This talent suits her because my mother would be the person who can take an inanimate lump of clay and turn it into something intricate and exquisite with her eye for beauty and her attention to detail. She has always made something from nothing. I caught glimpses of it over the years, and I suspect my mother is one of the most creative people this world has never known. I'm afraid of what it will feel like to ask myself too late - what would that have been like if I put it into the world? If I can figure out how to crack open and pour the contents of my soul art into the universe, maybe I can show her how too. 

 LG goes on to say that serving others is great, but it should not be our REASON to do a thing. She says ultimately, service is collaborating with inspiration, because that thing that's gnawing at you... it's an idea that's coming out of the cosmos and has chosen YOU and is asking you to work with it...

 When I look at the archive of notes in my phone, peppered throughout my endless lists going back to 2014 is the phrase 'start a blog.' I have ALWAYS loved books, writing, words themselves, and creative expression. Somewhere along the line, I simply stopped. I had no time for creativity when I was trying to get ahead in life. It was time to become an adult. I needed to focus on a career and gain the technical skills to execute. I needed to focus on the 'important stuff.' So why did it often feel as if something was missing? Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to finally be in a place in my life where I have a solid direction! I go to school full time to learn a craft that I believe in and am proud of. I have a wonderful mentor that I shadow who takes the time to explain and show me the ropes. My plate is so full! And I'm happy about that. But still... there's that gnawing. And in quiet moments, in inspirational moments, or in moments of despair, I would find myself writing something down here or there. It would just come out of me. And then I would go back to the grind.

 So when Ash asked me to start this blog project, I said yes immediately because I knew that working with someone else would make me more accountable to show up consistently. And it sure has. At that time, I had been spending a lot of hours reading about current research surrounding autoimmune disease, therapies, and even possible CURES (which I was told did not exist). My mind buzzed in clinic, poring over peoples' unique cases, discussing them with my supervisor, connecting all the dots in my head and then going home with more questions and names of researchers to read up on. At first I had all these ideas about how to heal myself, and I was consuming information round the clock barely sleeping. I read about herbs and scientific discoveries about the human microbiome, everything down to endocrinology textbooks to be able to decode some of the more technical scientific research papers... I was determined to get to the bottom of this once and for all and debunk all the misinformation myself! I would share the things that actually WORKED and offer hope to others.... and myself. I made myself a guinea pig. I would start to feel hopeful that I was on the right track, but then I would try to employ some of the techniques I was reading about only to have a resurgence of symptoms, and sometimes I was left feeling even more run down and exhausted. Mostly I just wanted to share breakthroughs and victories with everyone, but I was still dealing with a lot of frustration and confusion over which direction to go.

 Yesterday was the first day in the past 2 weeks that I slowed down. I received the suggestion that I was being too hard on myself and even 'militant.' I needed to hear that, and my mind quieted as I simply listened to another human being tell me her perception of how I was going about things. I was making all these BIG changes and giving myself NO ROOM for error. How stressful indeed.....

 I began to realize I never even gave myself a chance to simply BEGIN this new journey. New journeys always take time and patience, and I forgot that I cannot skip over parts of my process. Here is the rub now that I've calmed down and closed the books for the time being- Ive been in a space of really coming to terms with my diagnosis, what it means, and where its going from here. Simply deciding to do this blog and putting my truth out into the world had more implications for me than I realized. Most people in my life do not know that I have an autoimmune diagnosis. This is because I never told anyone. Especially not like this. I had been living my life as if the news I received that day simply did not exist. And for a while, I was mostly symptom free and didn't need to deal with it... so I didn't. I put it away in a hall closet and shut the door. I feel like as I'm bringing this out for the world to look at, I am also simultaneously looking at it alongside all of you, for the very first time.

 [insert deep sigh here]

 Since accepting this out loud, I have been flooded with emotions both pleasant and not so pleasant... 

 I stumbled upon a podcast yesterday called Invisible Warrior Radio by Adrienne Clements, which is all about living with chronic illness and how that affects your nervous system and stress levels. Addressing the anxiety piece, and RECOGNIZING it, has been super helpful to me. It was extremely validating to hear how anxiety is more a PHYSIOLOGICAL event than an emotional one. This echoes my experience of feeling as if I'm panicking for NO REASON. My nervous system starts firing and then I need to deal with that flood of hormones telling my body there is a threat to my survival that is imminent, which then lingers for some hours after. She addresses the fact that when we have a chronic illness going on, our bodies are AWARE that something is wrong and so we are constantly already in battle mode. This means even small stressors can have a more exaggerated effect on those of us dealing with chronic illness...

 One of the things I admittedly do is gauge myself against how others do things. I know better but it seems to be subtle and instinctual. I think I need to forgive myself for beating myself up for wanting to stay home and rest a lot of the time when I'm not working or going to school. I think about all the invitations I get that I end up turning down- invitations that I WANT to say yes to! The truth is, my body is constantly fighting a battle that other people are not. I am tired, and I need more rest than the average person. Especially because my plate is so full these days with everything I am trying to accomplish. I need to avoid bad foods and bad substances because the aftermath of those decisions is magnified for me. Most of all, I need to stop feeling guilty or like I'm not enough as I am... this is who I am, and these are my needs. And I'm allowed to give them to myself. I'm lucky that I still CAN. So Adrienne talks about soothing your BODY when you have anxiety, because of that crucial physiological piece. 

 Now that I was aware I needed to soothe my body, I was primed to resort to my bag of tricks when dealing with stress. I follow Doreen Virtue on facebook, and oftentimes it reminds me that I have a spiritual realm of friends and guides willing to help me if I just ASK. I have been going it so alone and forgetting to simply ask for help and guidance. She posted about the importance of self care (so fitting), and the accompanying graphic was a portrayal of Archangel Raphael, who is the Archangel of healing. I quickly looked up Archangel Raphael meditations on youtube and clicked the first one that caught my eye and laid down on my bed.

 As I listened to the meditation going from chakra to chakra, it made me realize and become aware of the energies I was carrying there. When I got to my heart chakra, and as the voice gave me permission to let go of anything I was holding onto that no longer served me, a deep sense of sadness materialized and I was suddenly overcome with tears. I cried very deeply for about a few minutes, and then I became aware of how much I have been feeling deeply afraid. Afraid that I would never be well again and there really is no cure. Afraid of the terror of these panic attack symptoms... afraid that maybe it isn't anxiety, and something more sinister might be dismissed as anxiety when it's really something more physical, like a heart problem.

 Then something magical happened that I cannot explain, except that I could FEEL that I was no longer alone. As I opened myself more to the experience and immersed myself in the energetic space being created, a thought came to me (some people call this clairsentience as I do not ever hear an audible voice) to pick up one of the crystals I have sitting on my nightstand. It was a piece of malachite, which incidentally is a vibrant green, and the color green is associated with Archangel Raphael's healing energy. I placed it on my solar plexus as that was the chakra we were now on, and then instinctively readjusted it over my liver where I sometimes feel pain. I kept feeling like it was somehow working on my blood. I felt compelled to continue working with this stone after the meditation. When I finally got up, I looked up the properties of the stone in a wonderful book called, 'Stone Medicine: A Chinese Medical Guide to Healing With Gems and Minerals' by Leslie J. Franks. Malachite energy works with the liver/gallbladder and stomach/spleen meridians. Also, the stone is used for purifying the blood and purging pathology from the body. The page number for this crystal was 333. 333 in Doreen Virtue's numerology system means that ascended masters are surrounding you and supporting you in this moment. All of my signs had showed up. I noticed that the feeling of constriction in my chest had let up, and I was able to take a full, deep, glorious breath. 

 (Sidenote here about religion: Doreen Virtue belongs to the Christian faith, and while I practice Nichiren Buddhism, I still think that spirituality is a deeply personal path and can oftentimes include overlap. I do believe in angels because of my own personal experiences, and I think that 'God' is whatever it means to you. Sometimes it is more important to work with the energetics or the theme of what someone is saying without getting too caught up in the dogma and religious aspects of it. If meditating on the healing energy of Mother Earth works better for you than angels, go with that instead!)

 Last night before bed I again did that beautiful Archangel Raphael healing meditation which I promised I would share with you, so here it is! Also I want to share with you the Invisible Warrior Radio Podcast I started listening to, and I intend on checking out her blog this afternoon as well. It's important to find people who are going through similar struggles for support. I am the person who isolates when I don't feel well, so I am going to give myself this gift of connection so that I have an outlet; a platform of understanding to land on when I'm feeling weighed down by my burdens. An unforeseen bonus, which I suspect will be one of many, of this blogging journey is that it has also opened up a new world for me to follow others who are putting light out into the world, and for that I am supremely grateful! I never really explored podcasts before yesterday... yay for expansion!

 I got the first good night's sleep I've gotten in the past couple weeks last night. I'm now aware that I have been working through some anxiety and probably PTSD surrounding my physical symptoms... waking up in the middle of the night with extreme palpitations and having to call 911 to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance is EXTREMELY STRESSFUL. Especially when it comes seemingly out of nowhere. And I only took two days off to recover from that before beginning my usual grind once again. I was pushing through each day on high alert that this could happen again at anytime. It caused me to feel more high strung, frustrated, and tired in a way that isn't necessarily outwardly visisble because of how I carry myself through the world. (This is why I love Adrienne's concept of an invisible warrior!)

 I have also been dealing with feelings of selfishness since I have been spending A LOT of time on myself lately. My mission is so tied to helping others, and when I feel down and blah, I think to myself- don't write anything right now in this state because it's not very inspiring for people to read. Hide yourself until you feel better. Hide your pain. Don't talk about your struggle. If you can't lift other people up, at least don't bring anyone down with your doubts and your fears.

 I want to dare to challenge that thought in my life. I think sharing our burdens, especially as women, is one of the bravest choices we can make. It helps us to connect to our authenticity, it brings out the authenticity in others, and ultimately it helps us to feel not so alone. THIS IS REAL LIFE. Own your experience because it is yours, it is valid, and it has a place and a purpose. Things happen to people and we should be able to talk about all of it. Service. How am I serving others today? It could be as simple as showing up fully and saying HERE I AM, and it's ok for you to also show up as you are. 

 Because I grew up the way I did, I value hard work. I value self sufficiency. Because of this I am often too independent and stubborn. But sometimes we need to take it easy and sometimes we need help. And neither of these things should mean we are failing, weak, or that somehow our value is now less since we didn't do it all on our own. When we feel isolated and alone is exactly when we need to reach out, because that light- that support is THERE. 

 I think the biggest takeaway from this past week for me is to listen to your own body. IT KNOWS WHAT IT NEEDS. It is so patient with us considering we don't usually listen until it's been asking for quite some time. Everyone is walking a different path. There is no one size fits all solution. We need to validate ourselves because no one else will ever know our journey as intimately as we do. We are the only ones who can give ourselves what we need. Listen to that voice that says we need to cancel plans in order to rest tonight. Listen to that voice saying we need more fruits and vegetables. Take a salt bath with some lavender essential oil if you've been dealing with a lot of stress lately. Love your body for all it does for you. You never need an excuse to care for yourself! 

 On that note, I am going to make myself a nice warm breakfast of gluten free grains, blueberries and cinnamon. I am not going to freak out that I spent the morning writing and I haven't had my morning celery juice on an empty stomach yet and I have to do that before I eat! No... breathe. My body is saying that we need to eat, because going through my morning stressing about juice is no longer part of my healing journey. Going through my days dizzy and tired because I'm strictly trying to eat only raw vegetables and not getting enough calories is no longer part of my healing journey. I need to feel energized and stress free, and that starts with my attitude and my intention. I can have my juice later this afternoon and all will be OK. I need to learn how to 'dance on the shifting carpet.' Life happens, and we need to be able to adjust and be flexible. Writing this morning was a priority. All we can do is to take things as they come and stay true to ourselves, showing up just as we are. 

 Thanks guys for all your support and for taking time out of your day to share this experience with me. I appreciate having a platform to share myself so openly as it helps me to grow and become more self aware with each passing day! I feel extremely lucky, I love you all, and I wish you a wonderful, healthy, blessed day!

 The Wizard