#while being sick (it was -1 on some dice throws)

[medys-space]

Angy plant

[kcrossvine-art]

Heya folks n friends! Today on our LotR cooking series, we're going to be making something inspired by Mrs. Maggot, wife of Farmer Maggot. Originally we were going to do a cream of mushroom soup, but the idea of adding meat as a cheeky lil joke on their last names was too good to pass up. In my mind meat goes better with thin soups than creamy ones.

And thus Mrs. Maggots Meat 'N Mush Stew was born.

(As always you can find the cooking instructions and full ingredient list under the break-)

MY NAMES CROSS NOW LETS COOK LIKE ANIMALS

SO, “what goes in to Mrs. Maggots Meat 'N Mush Stew?” YOU MIGHT ASKFor the stew portion itself we're going to be using a hearty base, aiming for a layering of flavors. If you feel comfortable making a roux, feel free to do so, but I did not due to energy levels and thus the flour in this recipe is only used for searing the meat before its added to the pot.

Cubed beef

Flour

Peanut oil

Beef stock

Dried porcini mushrooms

Carrots, chopped

Onion, diced

Garlic, crushed

Scallion, chopped

Bay leaf

Salt and pepper

Ground red pepper

Cumin

Zatarins gumbo file

For the other mushrooms, were going to cook them separate and throw them in at the end (but they'll have friends to keep them company!!).

Cremini mushrooms, sliced

Half an onion

Carrots

Garlic

Salt and pepper

Thyme

Olive oil

This took about 4 hours in total. If you have a slow cooker itd probably be easier to use that, but as is isn't too bad either. I mostly worked on commission stuff in the kitchen in-between stirring. "The best food is the one you don't have to make, the second best food is the one you don't have to think while making."

AND, “what does Mrs. Maggots Meat 'N Mush Stew taste like?” YOU MIGHT ASK

HOT HOT HOT

Tastes like walking from the cold into the cramped but cozy bar your friend works at

Meat was so tender and juicy, melts in your mouth. Makes you cry

It wanst actually carmelization but the onions had a hint of tasting caramelized

Mushrooms- a strong umami flavor with a bit of smokeyness

Once you get that Perfect level of gumbo file, it just makes every other element stick out more

Like an energy booster for the ingredients

A spotlight on the bay leaf, and oils, and spices

. If you don't want to use beef, feel free to use vegetable stock instead and replace the cubes with strips of king oyster mushrooms. Exclude the flour but still cook them in the pan. . this isnt officially part of the recipe since im not sure itd be 'on theme', but feel free to start your rice cooker around the 3 hour mark so you can have some hot rice ready for serving as filler.

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When I was looking through food and food mentions in LotR, Mrs.Maggot just stook out to me. 'Queen amongst farmers wives' is both really sweet and a fuckin killer description. What a legend. I wanted to do something based on her and our two options were either beer, bacon or raw mushrooms. Beer while very appealing is also not something you can whip up in a day, while raw mushrooms have a chance of killing my beloved readers. I don't want to talk about me and bacons sordid past.

And so as praise to this funky farmer women, may you add this stew to your collection of potpie, lasagna, and roast recipes.

Did i mention i started my first grease fire when making this? Yeah. Don't cover any empty greased pan even if your intent is to keep water from splashing into it.

Anyway, this recipe is a solid 10/10 (with 1 being food that makes one physically sick and 10 being food that gives one a lust for life again.) The partner has already made me pledge to cook it again hehehe

🐁 ORIGINAL RESIPPY TEXT BELOW 🐁

Ingredients:

2 lbs cubed beef

A little bit of flour to 'tumble' the meat in, in a bowl

Peanut oil to sear the beef, as needed

3 kilograms beef stock

28g dried porcini mushrooms

4 carrots, chopped

1 white onion, diced

4 cloves garlic, crushed

1 scallion branch, chopped

Salt and pepper to taste

Ground red pepper to taste

Cumin to taste

3 bay leafs

A pinch of Zatarins gumbo file

Ingredients… . . TWO:

1 lb cremini mushrooms

Half of a white onion, diced

1 carrot, chopped

2 cloves garlic, crushed

Salt, pepper, and thyme to taste

Olive oil as needed to pan-fry

Method:

Put the porcini mushrooms into a bowl, add enough warm water to cover. Give them roughly 20 minutes, or until softened and the waters turned color.

Cut the carrots, onion, and garlic.

Get a large pot with a lid, pour in your stock (or water and bouillon cubes). Pour in the porcinis and the mushroom water. Turn the burner to medium-high.

Add your bay leaves, carrots, onion, and garlic to the pot. Add extra salt if you'd like.

Tenderize and cut your beef into roughly 1 inch cubes.

In a small bowl, pour a handful of flour along with pepper, cumin, and ground red pepper. Mix until combined.

Lightly toss each cube of beef in the mixture, get a little coverage on each side.

Heat a frying pan to medium heat and add peanut oil. If using an electric stovetop it will take time to heat up.

Add some of your beef cubes to the pan, don't overcrowd it. Flip to check sides are a light brown with dark brown edges, its good for some pink/red to poke through.

Add beef cubes to the pot when done, careful of splashing.

Keep doing this in batches until all beef cubes are added. 

 Once the pot has reached a simmer, turn the heat down a few notches and cover.

Set a timer for 4 hours. Taste test every so often. Aim to stir the pot every 10-15 minutes.

(You can do steps 14-21 immediately or optionally wait a bit)

 Rinse and dry your cremini mushrooms.

Slice them vertically. Cut the carrots, onion, and garlic.

In a frying pan on medium-low heat, add olive oil, carrots, and onion. Keep the vegetables moving! When they start to change texture, add your cremini mushrooms.

Bring the pan up to medium heat. 

Once your mushrooms have cooked off the liquid inside, theyll start turning a deeper brown. Add the garlic. Keep! the! vegetables! Moving!

If the pan gets overcrowded, take some out and set it aside in a bowl. Smaller batches.

This process took roughly 15 minutes, but youll know its done once everything has a nice sear on it and the garlic is brown but not burnt. Add salt, pepper, and thyme to taste.

Set everything aside in a bowl.

Once the 4 hours are up the meat should be cooked all the way through and tender enough to pull apart. Strain the bay leaves out. Cut and add scallions. Add the bowl with cremini mushrooms.

Add a pinch of gumbo file to start, stir and taste test.

[astro-break]

Thoughts on the 6th ep of Hypmic Rhyme Anima+. Spoilers beware

Season 1 | Ep.1 | Ep.2 | Ep.3 | Ep.4 | Ep. 5

LMFAOOO they look so unimpressed i love it!! even ramuda looks so serious wwww Fling Posse's nail in the coffin of gentaro just straight up reading during the gag and Dice just falling asleep is pure gold

the rivalry is so strong i adore MDC, their comedic potential is off the charts

Ooooo flashback!

eyyy his life is not fair jacket is beautiful its such a hack

awww they're right softies huh.

i assume the narrative will be that they are hypnotized into doing TBH's will or they were unsatisfied with something so bad that they defected

EYYY squirt gun lmfaoooooo

dude his nicotine withdrawal is gonna just get worse www

look at jyuto being a baddass and only reading through skimming

LMFAO they're acting like tourists going to famous places and sightseeing their fill

oh my god they're FP fans and cosplayers

I'm getting second hand embarrassment from them www for once i agree with ramuda they're kinda annoying

LMFAO Bustedddddddddd

oooohhh so they don't have to be directly there to hypnotize people, interesting and opens up a lot more possibilities with who is possibly under their influence

OH FUCK HE'S ONE OF THE CLONES????

Ramuda angst is always top tier, the existentialism!

OH damnnnn if he is someone who isn't a fake, that would be ruthless.

and here comes the TBH crew

Theres some seriously supernatural stuff going on. or is it because FakePosse have been brainwashed so much that its another illusion that only they are seeing

OH DAMNNNNN clone battle and ofc ramuda is the loser. he don't got much more candy and is on borrowed time

eh i think The Loneliness, Tears, and Hope of a Puppet did it better with their depictions of their trio dynamic. also because this takes place between season 2 and 3, its unclear for anime onlys if Gentaro and Dice know that Ramuda is a clone

Generally i do think that the voice dramas have much better writing than the rushed pacing of the anime

the paper is full of the character 愛 which is the character that Rabuta uses in his name

that gentaro animation of him floating up onto the banister looks a little janky ngl

Dice's 777 underwear wwwww

casual threats is beautiful i adore the stupid MCD and Naughty Busters bickering, they're just kids no matter what amaguni says. they're silly children

OH FUCK THAT WAS SICK, sasara just casually rebuffing samatoki's threat while kuko throws in his own religious. For those who don't know nenbutsu is basically like prayer but its for the intent of being mindful of Buddha, hence the name. to outsiders it sounds more like punishment tbh

oooo flashyyy still makes me wonder if they're all under like some sort of mass hypnosis. TBH crew has only appeared that way twice and all in this episode

gods i miss FP's silly fashion sense. very summery jazz ED with the sax as the main instrument and latin beats. i like the chill trendy vibes going on with it

[kaijusrpgbrainstorm]

New Year, New Character 2: day 21

Our last day in the post apocalyptic wastelands of the United States, and a quick note. Super mutants are a PC option in Fallout: the Roleplaying Game. Mechanically, in addition to some immunities, they get bonuses to Strength and Endurance, increased limits on how high you can raise those stats, and reduced maximums for Intelligence and Charisma. Which, honestly, feels a bit to close to some of the bullshit regarding species stats in other games. Especially since super mutants are basically Orcs in post apocalyptic drag. Also, it means you can't play a smart super mutant like Fawkes from Fallout 3. Not that this stopped me from trying. Day 21: Breaker, super mutant trader and repair man, Fallout: the Roleplaying Game Breaker doesn't remember anything before coming out of a tank full of goo, but ever since then he has known he is not like others of his kind. They all value “strength” and aggression and violence and Breaker... Breaker knows there is more to life than those things. Being the runt did not help things. Beaten for being weak, for thinking things like “plans” and goals beyond killing the humans might be useful, eventually he just left before they gave him a ticking bomb and made him run into a fight with it. Things turned around a bit after that, because it turned out he had at least one advantage: with nothing to fear from radiation or sickness, he could just wander around scavenging what he needed. And then it turned out the “puny” humans would buy his spare scraps. It took a while, but he started getting the hang of bartering and trade, of talking his way out of being shot. Word of the talky mutant got around. Then those damn raiders decided to make an example of him, like the other super mutants would care. And they had enough guns and chems to make breaking out a chore. And then this “Jennifer” showed up, tiny and barely equipped, with a small army in tow. And suddenly Breaker was free. He understands the concepts of debt enough to know he owes a favour to this group, and he will pay that favour back.

Origin: Supermutant

Level: 1

Luck Points: 8

Strength: 7

Perception: 5

Endurance: 7

Charisma: 6

Intelligence: 6

Agility: 5

Luck: 8

Athletics (Str): 3

Barter (Cha): 3(T)

Big Guns (End):

Energy Weapons (Per):

Explosives (Per):

Lockpick (Per):

Medicine (Int):

Melee Weapons (Str):

Pilot (Per):

Repair (Int): 3(T)

Science (Int):

Small Guns (Agi):

Sneak (Agi): 2

Speech (Cha): 3(T)

Survival (End): 2

Throwing (Agi): Unarmed (Str): 3

Perks: Jury Rigging

Traits: Forced Evolution

Carry Weight: 220lbs

Damage Resistance: Physical 0 Energy 0 Radiation 0* Poison 0*

Defense: 1

Initiative: 10

HP: 15

Melee Damage: +1d

*As a supermutant, Breaker is immune to radiation and poison

Equipment: Skirmisher

Raider armour torso (Resist Phys. 1, Energy 1, torso)

Raider armour right leg (Resist Phys. 1, Energy 1, right leg)

Heavy bolt-action rifle, and 8+4d rounds of .308 ammunition

A board

Trinket: loaded casino dice

5 caps

Tagged Skill equipment:

2d10 additional caps

Multi-tool

Formal hat and clothing

[saving-word-crawls]

Non-Stop, an intense Hamilton crawl

By: Lady_Indis_Dress

This one is different. You are Alexander Hamilton. No if, ands, or Burrs.

What you’ll need: -pair of dice or online equivalent -access to this website -access to YouTube

1. Alexander Hamilton

Humble beginnings. You are born on an island in the Caribbean sea, to the younger son of a Scottish nobleman and the woman he rescued from an abusive marriage. Write 100 words to celebrate your birthday.

Childhood, while it lasts. Cheeky little thing that you are, you get in trouble for breaking something of your mother’s. Complete a Three Digit Challenge to make it up to her.

Sickness. The family falls ill. Sprint for 5 minutes while you try and recover.

Bereavement. Your mother has died. Take a 5 minute break to honor her memory and say goodbye to your brother.

New home. Your mother’s landlord takes you in, and everything is okay for a while, but then a ferocious hurricane hits the island and everything is turned upside down. Write your way out for 15 minutes.

Child prodigy. You’re reading everything you can get your hands on, and have an important job. To celebrate being put in charge of a trading charter, sprint to the nearest 500.

The future waits. The island people have determined to see to your future and raise money for your education. Thank them by writing as many words as you can while listening to this song 28. (money, money, money, money)

Off to New York. It’s time for you to embark on a new life, in a new land. Take one last look at the island and write a 100 word farewell, as you settle in for a long voyage.

Arrival. You’ve finally made it to NYC. Take a deep breath of that colonial city air and take it all in. Celebrate your new life by sprinting to the nearest 500.

2. Aaron Burr, Sir

Happenstance. You manage to bump into Aaron Burr–the Aaron Burr. Write 50 words to express your happiness at finding him so quickly.

A legend listens. You get to talking and explain to Burr how you wished to follow his example and finish college in two years. When you mention having punched the bursar, Burr looks shocked. Sprint for 5 minutes as an apology to that poor bursar, take however much you wrote during that sprint and write double that amount as you and Burr bond over being orphans.

Camaraderie. Burr offers to buy you a drink, as well as offering some advice. Talk less, smile more. Write to the nearest 100 while you listen to his reasoning.

Complication. Some loudmouths walk in and liven the place up: John Laurens, Lafayette, and Hercules Mulligan. Sprint for 15 minutes while they introduce themselves and generally disrupt things by being genial and fun.

Tension. As the talk turns to revolution, you realize your thoughts are more in line with the newcomers than the great Mr. Burr. Write to the nearest 100 while everyone wonders what you’re gonna do.

3. My Shot (we are not throwing away our plot!)

Biography. Write 250 words about yourself, because quite frankly you are awesome. You’ve gotten this far because you impressed people with your intelligence, your eloquence, and your drive to improve yourself. Go you!

Agreement. Lafayette, Mulligan, and Laurens join you in your wish for a war. Word War with someone for 15 minutes.

Caution. Burr agrees on some points but argues for caution. Take a 5 minute break while you consider his view.

Exposition. You talk some more about yourself, but your thoughts are pretty deep so no one minds. After all, the show is literally named after you. Roll the die and write 20x the number rolled.

Friends. You finally have some! Write to the nearest 100, to round off the song.

4. The Story of Tonight Sprint for the length of the song 15.

5. The Schuyler Sisters Do a Three Digit Challenge to welcome Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy into your life.

6. Farmer Refuted Roll your die and write 10x the number shown.

7. You’ll Be Back Check your NaNoMail real quick, but don’t read or respond to any messages just yet.

8. Right Hand Man You’re not sure whether to take the job or not. It’s a big decision so write for 20 minutes while you think it over (and eventually accept).

9. A Winter’s Ball You don’t know it, but your life is about to change. Do a 5 minute sprint while you dance.

10. Helpless You’ve met the love of your life. Write 500 words to convince Eliza of your love. And write 250 words to convince Philip Schuyler that you’re worthy of his little girl.

11. Satisfied. Something you never are. But you just got married so we’ll cut you some slack. Rest those fingers and wrists for the length of this song 8.

12. The Story of Tonight Reprise Brush off your friends teasing you about being a respectable married man, but sprint for 5 minutes about Burr’s scandalous girlfriend.

13. Wait For It. Not your song, but man are you ever in Burr’s head. Do a 3 minute word war with someone.

14. Stay Alive Word wars are easy, young man. Long sprints are harder. As much as you can write for 30 minutes. Go!

15. Ten Duel Commandments Just listen to this one 2. It’s really good, and you need a rest after Stay Alive.

16. Meet Me Inside You got your stubborn butt sent home. Write to the nearest 500 as you pour out your bruised ego into your journal.

17. That Would Be Enough You’ve got the best wife ever, and you’re going to be a daddy! Write 275 words, because that’s how many are in this song.

18. Guns And Ships Sprint for the length of this song 8.

19. History Has Its Eyes On You Washington believes in you, and there’s no room for error. Write to the nearest 1,000 while you contemplate the gravity of the situation.

20. Yorktown Sprint for 3.5 minutes while the world turns upside-down. Cut this time in half if you can find a way to write upside-down.

21. What Comes Next? Sit this one out, but listen to it 4 if you like.

22. Dear Theodosia Write 500 words about how cute Philip’s little-bitty toes are.

23. Non-Stop Do a 5 minute sprint as a rising star in law.

You talk for 6 hours at the constitutional convention. Roll the die and write 60 times the number shown

Try to recruit Burr for The Federalist Papers by doing a 10 minute word war.

Wait…Angelica’s leaving? Sprint for 5 minutes to write a farewell letter.

Your wife is upset that you aren’t spending enough time at home. Stop writing for 15 minutes while you listen to her, then get back to work…

…writing the bulk of The Federalist Papers in a sprint to the nearest 1,000.

Washington wants you to be his Secretary of the Treasury. Spend 10 minutes writing to explain that one to your wife.

You’re never satisfied. Round out Act I by writing to the nearest 500.

24. What’d I Miss You have no idea what’s about to hit you…namely, Jefferson. Sprint for 10 minutes.

25. Cabinet Battle #1 Word War for 5 minutes.

26. Take a Break. This is my only chance to change history…you are taking that break, Alex! Rest for at least five minutes…but ten would be better.

27. Say No To This Bad Alex, bad! Do a full 30 minute sprint.

28. The Room Where It Happens You’re barely in this song 6. Write at a normal pace for the length of it.

29. Schuyler Defeated Sprint for 5 minutes to get your rage out.

30. Cabinet Battle #2 Word War for 10 minutes.

31. Washington On Your Side. As a matter of fact, it IS nice. Do a Three Digit Challenge just because you can.

32. One Last Time You helped write a farewell speech of over 6,000 words, but we’re going easy on you because we know what happens later in Act II. Roll the die and write 20x the number shown.

33. I Know Him Rest for the length of this song 1. Contrary to popular belief, you are not Superman.

34. The Adams Administration. Write a 200 word letter to Abigail, add a post-script that says “Sit down, John.” Then go watch this video 5 for fun.

35. We Know You’re able to prove you haven’t committed fraud or treason, which is somehow not reassuring to you. Sprint for 10 minutes.

36. Hurricane. Write your way out. Specifically write to the nearest 1,000 words.

37. The Reynolds Pamphlet The actual text of The Reynolds Pamphlet is 11,155 words. If your name is included, it’s 11,157 words. That is so not doable in a word crawl. Instead you’re going to listen to the song 1, go sit in a corner, and think about what you’ve done.

38. Burn Attempt a Fifty-Headed Hydra 2 to make it up to Eliza.

39. Blow Us All Away Normally, I’d give you a break after the FHH, but… Dude, advising your son on how to duel is not the smartest decision you’ve made. Sprint for 5 minutes.

40. Stay Alive (Reprise) Write 9 words, in memory of your son. And I mean 9 words exactly. None of that writing like you’re running out of time on this one. Your restraint is your tribute to Philip.

41. It’s Quiet Uptown Write at your normal pace for 10 minutes as you reconnect with Eliza.

42. The Election of 1800 Burr or Jefferson? What kind of choice is that? Roll the die and write for 50x the number shown.

43. Your Obedient Servant Sprint for 10 minutes as you trade letters with Burr.

44. Best of Wives and Best of Women Write 100 words telling Eliza and the children goodbye in case things go badly.

45. The World Was Wide Enough Word duel (first person to X amount of words wins), then write half again as much as you face death.

46. Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story Contemplating those you have loved and lost, and the legacy you have left secure in Eliza’s keeping, write to the nearest 500. Then throw in another 500 as a thank you to Lin-Manuel Miranda for giving you a place in Broadway history and making you cool again.

Rest in peace, Alexander.

[talenlee]

3e D&D: The Werewolf, The Shifter

The promise of Dungeons & Dragons is that it’s a game system that lets you play with a wide variety of fantasy tropes to construct, generally, a fair game that also lets you experience a narrative. It is a deliberately broad system. In its earliest incarnations, it was narrow, and there used to a random whore table but no way to craft pants, and now, in the current days of 5e, the rules system handles all sorts of interesting rules attachments and modules that make the widely available, easily engaged game capable of doing even more stuff.

And this is, generally, seen as a bad thing, coincidentally by people who are heavily invested in other things.

But the promise of D&D, as a system that can include a lot of things, is sometimes at odds with the promise of D&D as a system that allows for a reasonably fair game. Such as in third edition, the period I want to talk about today, ‘fairness’ in what characters could do, in any reasonable estimation, was completely bananas. Absolutely troppo.

Anyway, let’s talk about werewolves.

Werewolves are a classic fantasy trope, in that particular category of things that were so old they’ve lost a lot of the traits that make them dehumanised and alienated. I’m sure it took some time, I don’t imagine that Welsh villagers in the 1600s were at that point going “I wonder how these waierulfs fuck,” because they were probably too busy with other concerns. Still, in fiction, the werewolf occupies a common space of a ‘person, but a monster,’ and over enough time that gets to be ‘a monster, but a person,’ and then eventually, just ‘a type of person.’

My personal preference for a werewolf is to definitely keep closer to the ‘person, but a monster,’ vibe. The werewolf, for me, works as a useful way to make a material metaphor out of experiences like being violent against your will, or excluded for something that’s not your fault, or being a sick wolf monster that can totally fuck up evil priests.

They show up in fantasy fiction a lot – they’re great for when you want to do something like a murder mystery, but where the end of the line, when you reveal the murderer, it’s not just a procedural where the guards throw them in a room for a bit, but rather there’s a sudden fight with a now much-stronger, much more dangerous monster villain. That’s great, I’m sure there’s Murder On The Orient Express With Werewolves, that’s probably out there somewhere.

They also just… have an appeal. They’re shapeshifting badasses. Lots of stories about werewolves let them be heroic, or at least ambiguously villainous. Then eventually, we got stories that were mostly about werewolves. There were, even, at the time of 3e D&D, whole roleplaying games about being werewolves.

Not a good option for players though.

The werewolf in 3rd edition was a pretty cool example of a design known as a template. The template worked by taking the existing information about your character, the hit points, ability scores, all that stuff, and adding to it, in each category, more stuff. Stuff like more abilities and effects, better stats, natural attacks, the ability to shapeshift – all the stuff that makes a werewolf feel like a werewolf.

Since all this stuff was good, you couldn’t just have it – you had to give up levels’ worth of progression for it. If a character got to be a werewolf, you got what was called a ‘level adjustment,’ which was a sort of fake number of levels to cover for the gap. A level 13 human might be equivalent in power to say, a level 12 Tiefling, since the Tiefling got a +1 level adjustment.

Werewolves got a +3 level adjustment, which meant that if you were to start the game as level 6 characters, the werewolf, a character ostensibly good at fighting people in melee, was missing an attack. If you cast spells, you were one or two whole levels of spell behind, so while people were casting level 5 spells, you were casting level 3. Also, you were 3 hit dice down. At level 4, that meant a level 4 fighter had 4d10 hit points, and the werewolf fighter had 1d10. It’s a big gap in the early game.

Later on, the werewolf was less of a burden, though you’d never want it for power gaming reasons, since by level 12 or so, it wasn’t doing anything you couldn’t do better, cheaper with magical items and weirdo class features. The funniest part of the werewolf was that by level 5, a druid could do Being A Werewolf as part of a class feature, and that class feature was so good, turning into a wolf was never worth the time.

Werewolves are cool, but they’re not really good. A level adjustment 0 werewolf would be pretty choice – you could go with the Hengeyokai from the Oriental Adventures book, but they’re a bit bad, have a level adjustment of +1, and don’t give meaningful value for it. It’s just one of those ideas that players can look at as being really cool, but if they ever take it, it’ll make them weaker in almost any circumstances they want to do the thing they do. You don’t make a werewolf so you can avoid running into combat for fear of being smeared across the countryside by an ordinary enemy’s attack, right? A werewolf should, should, well, feel werewolfy, and that means you should have a way to ‘get better at fighting,’ then fight.

Enter Eberron’s Shifters. Shifters are a level adjustment 0 race, descended from werefolk that trade a lot of the specific, distinct powers of wererats and werebears and werewolves and just cooks them into ‘shifts to get faster’ and ‘shifts to get stronger.’ The Shifter presented a ‘werewolf’ feeling character that could fit into an ordinary adventuring party, without completely disrupting everything and throwing the balance all cattywumpus, and also without being as delicate as a china plate.

The Shifter is, however, also a proprietary brand identity race from Eberron, which means that I can’t just freely show off the rules for them. I mean, I could, nobody cares, Rich Baker isn’t going to fly from Florida over to my house to beat me up. There are a lot of places on the internet to freely download the information. Still, the fact that the Shifter is a specific setting creature always struck me as an interesting element of it, because, well, Eberron is a place with rules. Eberron has its own identities, and part of those identities – like a relationship to an ancient empire of lycanthropes, or cycles of moon and dusk goddesses – tie into how the Shifter solves its particular problems of werewolfness for player characters.

Anyway, 4e solves the problem excellently, but we’ll talk about that later.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[jokenotfunny]

I have a question about our dear Y/N in the eddie series! is she gonna be interested in DnD and hellfire or is she too cool for that? I can imagine her being mesmerised by the dice very early after escaping, rolling a 7 and just pointing to herself like “me :)”

omg yes! after eddie taught her some of the basics when she was with him for that one week, she was really hooked!

- i just love the thought of sev playing around with one of the die in eddie’s trailer while he’s getting the rest of the game set up, and when he goes to sit back down and show her how to play the game, everytime he rolls it lands on a seven and he’s just like “weird 🤨” and after the like 10th time it happens he just looks over the die and realizes that every side says 7 because she changed it with her powers 😭

- of course he didn’t realize this because it was a new die he’d never used before and just assumed it was an error in the making of it 😐 so he just gave it to you because-

“heh, well that’s a funny coincidence!” 🧍🏾‍♀️

- i like to throw in little hints of how much eddie influenced her into the person she became, as she grew up.

such as her style, the music she listens to, her playing the guitar, and dnd!

- but to further answer your question, she didn’t play that much after leaving him.

- she would mostly just sit on the side and watch as the other boys played (like at the end of season 1), and sometimes when the boys were really into it, she would be sneaky and use her powers to keep making them roll sevens 😭

- they caught on pretty fast though 🫤 so she just stuck to making mike roll numbers that would badly affect his character, when she was feeling petty.

- in my season 3 part 2 chapter, you’ll see her with will, when he keeps trying to get the boys to play. spoiler: at one point her and will just ditch the group and play a one-shot.

- in regards to the hellfire club, she would be apart of it! but sometimes, like lucas, she probably wouldn’t be able to make it due to her other extracurriculars

- but after seeing eddie’s disappointment of her not being anle to make it, she would definitely go to her coaches sometimes like-

“coach, i don’t know what’s going on with me! i was feeling fine earlier and now my nose won’t stop bleeding!”

- of course she just made her nose bleed and her forehead hot to the touch, so that they would think she was sick and send her home.

- when in reality as soon as she was out of sight, she’d just make her way to the drama room like-

“hey guys, i made my coaches think i was sick! can i still join today’s campaign?”

- steve scolds her the whole car ride home for lying, after picking her up that night because he got a call while at work saying that-

“y/n had excessive nosebleeds and her forehead and neck were burning up! she had a temp of 103.2!” the nurse rambled worriedly.

- but that doesn’t stop her from doing it in the future 😭

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a/n : sorry for such a long response ! i ramble way too often to just give simple yes or no answers 😭

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #265: Artoria Pendragon (Ruler)

Today on Fate and Phantasms we're building the arbitrator of the Summer Swordbeauty Duels, Artoria Pendragon! She's the bunny queen of the casino, and... um....

lost my train of thought.

Anyways, she's a Oath of the Watchers Paladin to watch those tables for cheaters, and a Lunar Magic Sorcerer for some bunny power. Don't look at me like that. Rabbits, moons, makes perfect sense.

Check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

Next up: Talk about a lambda complex...

Race and Background

Artoria's still a Variant Human, giving her +1 Strength and Constitution, as well as Perception proficiency to catch cheaters in the act and the Lucky feat. Three times a day you can give yourself advantage on a check, attack, or save, or give an enemy disadvantage when they're attacking you. Artoria's poker schtick is more powerful in a card-based game, but she can probably mess with dice too if she wants to.

For once we're actually changing your background too, from a noble to an Entertainer. Honestly she's a little bit of both, but the Acrobatics and Performance proficiencies will come in handy running a casino in heels.

Ability Scores

If we're gonna have a supernatural ability to deal with cheaters, our Wisdom has to be pretty solid, so make that the highest score. After that is your Charisma. Artoria's pretty scary, and her magic comes from within. Or from her headband. Either way, that's charisma. Rulers take a lot of hits, so your Constitution is relatively solid, and if you want to fight with an umbrella you'll need plenty of Strength behind those hits. This does mean your Dexterity is lower than I'd like- guess those heels are slowing you down after all. That being said, we're dumping Intelligence. Artoria didn't exactly have a normal childhood, she probably didn't have time for much schooling once she became the perfect king.

Class Levels

Paladin 1: At first level, paladins get proficiency in Wisdom and Charisma saves, as well as two skills- Insight will help figure out if someone's counting cards, while Intimidation will keep them from trying in the first place. You can also use Divine Sense to detect an extraplanar being at the craps table (demons are notoriously sore losers, best throw them out now), and Lay on Hands will perk up your dealers on long shifts. It gives you a pool of HP equal to 5x your paladin level, and you can hand off any of them to another creature by touching them as an action. You can also cure diseases and poisons by spending 5 HP per effect, and you recharge on long rests.

Paladin 2: Second level paladins get a Fighting Style, and while Thrown Weapon Fighting might be UA it's still super useful when you fight with kunai and cards, adding 2 to your weapon damage with thrown weapons and letting you pull them out as fast as you can toss them. You can also cast and prepare Spells using your Charisma, and since you can change them up every long rest it's not a huge headache for you like most casters. That being said, check out Compelled Duel for the standard 1v1 showdowns from the event, Shield of Faith to pull luck in your favor with +2 AC for up to a minute, Detect Evil and Good to sense ne'er do wells in your casino, and Divine Favor to add a little radiant damage to your cards. If you're willing to hold on to your weapons, you can use a Divine Smite instead by burning a spell slot. You deal a lot more radiant damage this way, but it only works on melee attacks. So make sure you pull out your umbrella for the big hits, y'know?

Paladin 3: At third level we get a lot more vigilant as we join the Watchers. This gives you Divine Health; immunity to disease. You can't take a sick day when you run shit. You can also Channel Divinity in one of two ways as an action each short rest, or spend that use to Harness Divine Power for extra spell slots once a day. (You can do it more often as you level up, but the sentence was already starting to get run-on-y.) Your flavors of divine favor include Watcher's Will, giving a number of creatures up to your Charisma Modifier advantage on Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma saves for a minute, so absolutely no illusion magic can get past you. Alternatively, you can Abjure the Extraplanar, turning aberrations, celestials, elementals, fey, or fiends nearby if they fail a wisdom save, making them run away for 1 minute or until they take damage. You also get subclass spells, which you always have prepared without using up your prep space! Alarm will keep your halls safe from any phantom thieves, and Detect Magic is your ace in the hole when it comes to keeping games on the level. As far as the players are concerned, anyway.

Paladin 4: Use this ASI to round up your Strength and Wisdom for better card throwing and perception.

Paladin 5: Fifth level paladins get an Extra Attack each attack action. Cards don't do much damage, but now you deal twice as much. Yay..? You also get second level spells, like your freebies Moonbeam for a blast from Ehangwen that also forces shapeshifters back to their normal forms, and See Invisibility which is pretty self-explanatory. People always look for mirrors, but they never expect the old "invisible guy behind you" trick. You can also Find Steed to get your horse back, Magic Weapon if you have one really cool card you need to pull, and Zone of Truth to make fudging the rules even harder for anyone without a great charisma save.

Paladin 6: At sixth level you and your friends get a great charisma save thanks to your Aura of Protection. Any ally within 10' of you gets to add your charisma modifier to any save they make! +2 isn't a huge bump, but it's still gives you an extra 10% chance to save on literally everything.

Paladin 7: Your last paladin level for a while gives you an Aura of the Sentinel, adding your proficiency to all friendly intiative rolls within 10' of you. You'd think the dealer goes last, but they start the game with all the cards.

Sorcerer 1: That's enough wheeling and dealing, it's time to get that bunny suit. As a Lunar Magic sorcerer you can cast another set of Spells using your Charisma- check the phb to see how multiclassing works for you. That being said, you can use Dancing Lights and Light to set the stage, Gust for dramatic effect, and Sword Burst to swing some knives around without throwing them. But most importantly, you get leveled spells. Combine Mage Armor and Jump to not only look like a bunny, but move like one too! Thanks to the obvious connection between bunnies and the moon, it's perfectly understandable that you're a Lunar Embodiment, letting you swap between three sets of subclass spells each day. You can even cast one of these spells for free each day if you're in the right phase! When in your Full Moon phase, you get Faerie Fire, and eventually Moonbeam and Death Ward. In the New Moon you get Dissonant Whispers, then Darkness and Bestow Curse. In the Crescent Moon you can cast Sanctuary, and later Blindness/Deafness and Phantom Steed. Personally I think Crescent Moon is the best phase, but feel free to shuffle them up, keep them guessing. You also get Moon Fire for a free copy of Sacred Flame, plus you can hit two creatures at once with it if they're standing next to each other.

Sorcerer 2: Second level sorcerers become a Font of Magic, giving you up to your sorcerer level in sorcery points every long rest. Did I say sorcerer enough? Sorcerer. Anyway, you can spend those points to make more smite slots, or hold onto them til next level for cooler stuff. (Don't actually hold onto them, the reset every day.) Also you can cast Catapult now to actually throw cards at people if you wanna deal real damage.

Sorcerer 3: Third level sorcerers get 2nd level spells, but I don't want any. Pick up Magic Missile instead to play 52 spell pickup with an enemy's face. You can also spend sorcery points on Metamagic, ways to customize your casting. Subtle spells don't require verbal or somatic components, rendering them stealthy and impossible to counter. (Turns out, announcing "I will now check if you're cheating" is a giveaway!" Alternatively, a casting a Transmuted spell lets you shuffle the spell's damage type around if it's a standard elemental spell. A lot of your spells aren't that, but if they deal Acid, Cold, Fire, Lightning, Poison, or Thunder, you can swap at will. If you spend the points, obviously.

Sorcerer 4: Use this ASI to bump up your Charisma for stronger spells and a stronger aura. You can also cast Prestidigitation to mark or unmark cards, and Silvery Barbs to weaken an enemy's luck while bolstering your own.

Sorcerer 5: Fifth level sorcerers get Magical Guidance, letting you spend sorcery points to re-roll a failed check. You can also cast third level spells, and we actually want one! You know what Ehangwen really needs? Beams. Let's pick up Lightning Bolt for a really good beam. It forces a dexterity save on creatures in a 100' line, and if they fail they take lightning damage, or half on a success.

Sorcerer 6: Sixth level moon sorcerers get Lunar Boons, making your metamagic cheaper for two schools of magic at a time. If you cast an Abjuration or Conjuration spell as a full moon, Evocation or Necromancy spell as a new moon, or Divination or Transmutation spell as a crescent moon, you can reduce the cost of your metamagic options by 1 sorcery point Proficiency times a day. By the end of the build that's basically an extra 6 points, which considering we've only got 6 levels of sorcerer doubles your metamagic time. You also gain Waxing and Waning, letting you change your phase as a bonus action by spending a sorcery point. Now you can shuffle your spell list on the go! You also get Melf's Minute Meteors, letting you create a bunch of cards at once and launch a couple of them using your bonus action each turn. They explode into fire damage, so they're also a good candidate for transmutation.

Paladin 8: Moving back into paladin nets you another ASI. Bump up your Strength, just in case you need to use your umbrella from time to time.

Paladin 9: Ninth level paladins get third level spells. Your free spells are Counterspell and Nondetection- the former to keep cheaters from trying any funny business with scrying sensors, the latter to hide your security forces from the same. You can also use other spells like Remove Curse and Crusader's Mantle, spreading your radiance to the other knights of the round.

Paladin 10: Tenth level paladins have an Aura of Courage. You can't get scared now. You're part god, I don't even know what you'd get scared of.

Paladin 11: Eleventh level paladins have an Improved Divine Smite, adding a little radiant damage to all your melee weapon hits. Interestingly enough, this will work with thrown weapons, so your cards seriously pack a punch now. (Divine Smite specifies "melee weapon attacks", meaning attacks made in melee. Improved Divine Smite says "whenever you hit a creature with a melee weapon", and throwing the weapon is valid here.)

Paladin 12: At twelfth level you get your last ASI, so bump up that Charisma for stronger spells and auras.

Paladin 13: At thirteenth level you can learn fourth level spells like the freebies Aura of Purity and Banishment. More in character, you can finally use Find Greater Steed to summon a saber tooth tiger as a mount for that star lion from you extra attack animation.

Paladin 14: Your last level grants you a Cleansing Touch, letting you spend an action to end any spell on you or a willing creature you touch up to 4 times a day.

Pros and Cons

Pros:

Your magical defense is ridiculous- basically, anything other than direct damage is going to slide right off of you, and probably your friends as well. The only save you're even just okay in is intelligence, which is still a +3. Plus, those saves are rare. Aside from your big saves, you're also immune to being frightened, and you can heal yourself from curses and other spells.

Of course paladins are good at melee fighting, but you also come packing ranged options thanks to your thrown weapons and spells. On the topic of spells, the size of your spell list is just silly thanks to dabbling in lunar magic, since you get nine bonus spells just for being in the class. Believe in the heart of the cards and keep them guessing.

You'll never be guessing though, with high wisdom and spells to cut through illusion. You're also surprisingly speedy given your low dexterity, so you can act on that knowledge before the enemy.

Cons:

Like any paladin you're pretty multi-ability dependent, though you have it worse than most since we spend your best ability score on Wisdom just for flavor.

You'll also burn through resources pretty fast thanks to being a paladin, so you might not get as many chances to use your spell as you'd think.

While you're strong against magical damage, you're weak against getting your shit slapped in. Your low AC means getting a hit in against you is trivial, even if you're in your bunny costume.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Old (2021)

Oh you guys. You guyyyyyys. Buckle the fuck up, I am so pumped to tell you about this absolutely GONZO mummified deuce of a movie. Spoilers will be had in this one, because you need to know everything. 

Old is the latest from M. Night Shyamalan and like....I think we all know M. Night’s track record. For every Sixth Sense, we also get a Happening or a Village. In some ways, he’s the most exciting director working today because every new film is a 50/50 coin toss, and mama loves living on the edge. The gist of this latest roll of the dice is that a group of different families who have all come to stay at a remote luxury beach resort get invited to go to a secluded private beach for the day, and after they arrive they discover they can’t leave. That’s not great, but the bigger problem is that they seem to be aging rapidly - like 2 years older every hour or so. That’s a solid “how are we gonna get outta this one” bottle episode premise, and in the hands of a better writer, it could be a fun sci-fi romp. M. is NOT that writer. 

Some thoughts:

I should have known it would all go wrong from the terrible foreshadowing starting at the very beginning scene. The mom of our main family, Prisca (Vicky Krieps) says “You have such a beautiful voice, I can’t wait to hear it when you’re older.” The dad, Guy (Gael Garcia Bernal) says, “Don’t rush this moment, enjoy the present while you can.” BECAUSE THE CHARACTERS WON’T BE ABLE TO LATER, DO YOU GET IT? dO yOU GEt iT? Wife leaned over and said “look at all the ferns - the oldest plants!” That last one was probably her projecting, but the point stands: there is nothing subtle about Old. 

There’s a lot of just like, shouting out loud the things that are currently happening onscreen. “She’s having a seizure!” “People who go back the way we came black out!” “The rust has entered your bloodstream; it acts like poison!” That’s how you tell stories, right? Just having characters point out events that are occurring right in front of their stupid fucking faces with no other commentary or reflection? 

An additional element that feels woefully ignorant at best and malicious at worst is the inclusion of a black male character (Aaron Pierre) who 1) is a rapper 2) is named Mid-Sized Sedan [I’ll give you a moment to deal with that detail emotionally] 3) says the single line of dialogue “Damn.” at least 4 times and 4) suffers the bloodiest, most violent onscreen death at the hands of a racist white man who is revealed to have paranoid schizophrenia. There are other gruesome deaths onscreen, to be sure, but the worst are body horror nightmares that could never occur in the real world - a woman whose bones are breaking and setting in the wrong position nearly instantaneously until she resembles a horrifying spider creature, and the aforementioned rust-in-the-bloodstream trick that leads to a Jeff-Goldblum-in-The Fly-bubbling-skin infection kinda deal. But Mid-Sized Sedan just gets stabbed in the chest repeatedly, brutally, a bunch of times by a white guy who pleads fear for his life even though MSS posed no danger to him, and it all happens onscreen when so many other characters are offered the mercy of offscreen deaths. I’m not sure if M. is trying to throw some real-world horror in and he’s just shit at it, or if it really didn’t occur to him how malicious this inclusion feels in a fantasy narrative, and I don’t really care. If you have a black character in your story and they die, you better think really long and hard about how it happens and what it means and it’s clear no one did that here.

Nothing to do with the film itself, but it did tickle me that someone brought a tiny infant to my pretty packed screening. The baby was very chill, thank goodness, and as far as I know did not age up to a kindergartner during the course of the film.

There is a Very Good Dog, a Yorkie, present for the first part of the film, but unfortunately the dog dies. It occurs offscreen, and given the premise of what’s going on on this beach, it’s not a shock when it happens BUT STILL. 

The old age makeup, at least on Prisca is pretty great. Good job makeup department!

At one point, Guy gets attacked by another beachgoer, and his eyesight is failing so he has a hard time fighting back. But you are surrounded by sand, my dude, and you can still see blurry shapes. You’re not gonna throw some sand in the eyes until you’ve been stabbed like 10 times? Not gonna try to push him down, or sweep the fucking leg, or do anything but just keep raising your arms and getting stabbed while yelling “I’ll protect you!” I’ve seen stale tuna sandwiches with better defense mechanisms than you. 

Like most fantastical premises, there are only a certain number of ways this narrative can end that really make any sense. It reminds me quite a bit of 2019’s Brightburn which was like “what if Superman but evil?” Either everyone is gonna die, or someone is going to improbably survive and you better have a real neat explanation for how that’s possible. Oh M. Night, when will you realize that your explanations are never as clever as you think they are? There’s no “twist” here really, simply a reveal, and it’s the equivalent of eating one of those sugar-free, gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free snack cakes I broke down and ate out of desperation when I was on Weight Watchers. That shit is “food” in the same way that the climax is a “logical explanation for all this.” Big Pharma is luring sick people to the resort through targeted ads, then arranging these excursions to the wacky time beach in order to test how medicine they secretly slipped into the guests’ drinks works over decades of life. These sneaky medical breakthroughs are saving hundreds of thousands of people’s lives, we’re told, and the scientists offer a moment of silence for each fallen group of unwitting human lab rats after they inevitably die. Because if there’s one thing the world needs right now, it’s more distrust of pharmaceutical companies and the ethics of modern science! I can’t think of one possible reason we’d want to portray molecular biologists, immunologists, and virologists in a positive light right now, can you? When will those assholes get off their high horses and stop being universally trusted and beloved by everyone, am I right?? 

My saddest takeaway, tbh, is that this is a stacked international cast, with at least half the roles going to POC - this is the future liberals want, etc etc - and the result is THIS.

Did I Cry? Of course not.

Not all is terrible! It’s a beautiful movie to look at, because M. Night’s direction is never the problem, but combined with the script, the acting, and the absurd narrative leaps needed to make this story make even a little bit of sense, the whole thing turns into a mess. Unfortunately, getting Old with M. Night is less “leisurely retirement at a plush resort in Florida” and more “rancid can of Ensure and a poop-choked pair of Depends.”

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[lovenhlboys]

From a Distance (E.Pettersson X Reader)

Chapter 2

Masterlist

Want to be on the tag list?: Tag list form

A/n: Hi!! Here’s chapter 2!!! This chapter is from Elias’s POV, the rest of the chapters will be a combo of the two (and probably one or part of one) will be from Brock’s POV eventually😁 these first two chapters are more just setting up everything. please let me know what you think! All feedback is appreciated!!!!

Warnings: A LOT of cursing (sorry...sorta), Petey not listening, might be a little cheesy (I’m not sorry), an attempt at Swedish (pls let me know if It’s wrong), I think that’s it, lmk if I missed one

Paring: Elias Pettersson X Fem!Reader

Genere: enemies-ish —>friends —> lovers

Legend: on chapter 1

Word Count: 1.8k (this is the shortest one)

Summary: Yeah so, Elias has a “teenage-reminiscent” crush on the one girl he was terrified to like, so he makes a plan to just be her friend, it doesn’t go to well, so he makes a new one.

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PRESENT

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Petty had a crush on Y/N. Y/N Boeser, the one fucking girl he can't have. His best friend's little sister.

When he met her at the mid-point of his rookie year, he'd already heard a lot about her. Brock had told him so many stories and he learned so much about the infamous Y/N, and the more he learned, the more he really liked her. Then there were the other stories Brock told him, the ones that included guys. One he recalls quite clearly.

November, 2018

They were sitting on Brock’s couch, watching One Tree Hill,

“Petey, have I ever told you about Chad?” Brock started.

“No, why?”

“Chad was my best friend in middle school, all the way up to my senior year. Then he wanted to date Y/N.”

“What do you mean ‘up to’ your senior year?” His attention was taken away from the show completely at the mention of her name.

“Well, I told him I didn’t want him to go out with her, but that it was her choice, not mine. So he asked her out, and they dated for like 3 months. Then he broke her heart.”

“What did you do?” Elias was curious.

“Oh, I broke his face”

Elias was shocked, he’d never known Brock to be anything but a (slightly obnoxious) ray of sunshine. “...oh, uh... so what happened to Chad after that?”

“I stopped being friends with him, and so did the rest of my group of friends. Normally I’m not like that, but he messed with Y/N/N.”

“Yeah, I get that. My brother’s girlfriend is basically like my sister and if anyone hurt her, I don’t know what I would do.”

“Yeah so anyways-“

Elias zoned out as Brock kept talking, just thinking about what would happen if he asked Y/N out. He decided then that no matter how perfect and incredible she was, it wasn’t worth his friendship and career with his best friend. He’d just be her friend if anything. And who knows, maybe he’d never even meet her in person.

_______

Now, as he’s walking to the break room Brock asked him to meet him in, he's remembering tjrs how ignorant that plan was. Because once he met her, it was a lot more challenging than he could’ve imagined. The second he met her in person, that plan was incinerated as a possibility.

Dice and ice (February)  2019:

Elias showed up 20 minutes early, he is so nervous. This is his first dice and ice and from what people told him, he knows this isn’t his kind of event. He’s not social, he’s an awkward Swedish hockey player. Not to mention the amount of extra attention he’s sure to get tonight. Brock had told him how much attention he received when he was the star rookie, and that made Elias even more anxious. Thanks, Brock. 

He paced near the front waiting for Brock to get there, imagining all of the ways he could humiliate himself in front of everyone. He was in between “eating too much fancy food and throwing up” and “getting so nervous he forgets how to speak English” for being the worst.

Just as he started to get nauseous from remembering the rookies have to do a performance every year, he found himself unable to breathe. This wasn’t because of the inevitable doom tonight was bound to bring though. He saw the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen on the arm of his best friend. Her dress, her hair, her makeup, her legs, everything he could see was just beautiful.

“Petey!” Brock shouted. 

Elias couldn’t speak still but he made eye contact with Brock. 

“Woah bud, you doin’ ok?” He said with a concerned look.

A choked, “Uh…” was the only thing that came out. Though, he felt that was a sufficient answer to Brock’s question. Elias’s eyes made their way back to the girl now standing behind Brock, since Brock took it upon himself to grab Elias’s face and get very close. He inspected Elias, seeing if maybe he was sick or had a concussion. 

Brock must have been satisfied with what he saw since he took a step back, letting go of Elias’s face. That’s when he noticed his best friend looking at his “date” for the night. 

“Petey, this is Y/N/N, Y/N/N Petey,” Brock said, gesturing to the two of you. 

“Y/N/N?” He asked, suddenly able to speak again. He was looking at Brock with scrunched eyebrows. ‘Is it actually her?’ was all her could think.

“Yeah, Y/N/N, you know, my sister that I’ve told you about at least 20 times?”

Elias nodded and looked back at her.

She waved a little, “Hi, it’s Elias right?” she asked.

“Hmm? Uh, yeah, that’s right.” if he wasn’t sweating before, he definitely was now. “It’s Y/N?”

She nodded “yeah but you can call me Y/N/N, most people do.”

He likes her first name though, he thinks it’s such a perfect name, so he decided to just call her Y/N.

All three of them stood there awkwardly for a moment. Though to Elias, it felt like it could’ve been a few hours. He was completely mesmerized and terrified by you.

Brock cleared his throat, pulling Elias back to the world, “so, let’s head inside?”

“Yeah sounds good,” Elias walked in and held the door open for her and Brock.

Walking in right behind them was Jacob, he put his hand on Elias’s shoulder.

“mår du bra? du ser sjuk ut. (are you okay? You look sick.),” he asked.

“Jag kommer att bli bra (I will be fine),” he responded with an unconvincing grin.

As the night went on, Elias couldn’t seem to relax; he kept making sure his tie was straight and he couldn’t stop fixing his hair. For a while, he had to take pictures with the fans and families, with Brock...obviously.

“You just need to relax, Petey,” he had said this about 5 times already.

“I know, I just don’t want to embarrass myself, I’m not very social. I hate these events.”

Brock chuckled, “I swear, the more I learn about you, the more and more I think you and my sister are the same person. The only reason why she’s here is cause I bought her a new fancy dress and cause she’s gonna try and kiss some ass and get a job with management.”

“Wait, so she’s moving here?”

“Oh yeah, I asked her to. Depending on if she gets the job, of course, which she’s sure to get with her resume.”

“Oh, cool.”

“Hey, I’m gonna go find her, you need to relax, just breathe,” Brock said as he stood up to walk away, “And stop imagining the worst things that could happen,” knowing his best friend all too well.

Elias walked over and sat with Bo and Holly, just trying to get through this night without having a panic attack.

The rest of the night went fine, no vomiting or forgetting English, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Because of his luck, that’s when he saw Y/N, and he couldn't look away. She was standing in the corner, looking insanely nervous. Before he could think about it, he was walking over to her. 

“You doing ok?” he asked.

“That obvious?”

He looked down at his shoes, “Hey, at least you don't look sick like I did apparently.”

That made her laugh, one of the happiest sounds he’d ever heard. “Yeah, you didn’t look too happy to be here.”

“Well, these events aren’t really my thing. I heard they aren’t yours either?” he finally looked in her eyes, which was not a smart decision.

“God, no, absolutely not. I hate these things, I don’t get why I need to dress like this and kiss up to people to get a job that I’m already very qualified for.” She took a pause, “even though I do love this dress...”

There was a little silence as Elias wasn’t sure what to say, he decided on, “If it helps, you look very pretty, and I like that dress too.” 

She blushed, “thank you, you don’t look too bad yourself, Elias”

The way she said his name sent chills up his spine, Brock introduced him as Petey, but not once had she called him that. She only called him Elias, and it sounded perfect coming from her mouth. The thing about her was, the more he looked at her, the more beautiful she became in his eyes. The way she laughed, the way she stood with her legs crossed, the way she constantly crossed her arms. To most she probably seems unwelcoming cold, and closed off but to Elias, he saw someone just like himself and-

Oh shit, what is he doing?

He’s literally doing the exact opposite of what he said he was going to, he needs to get away from her. He needs a drink is what he really needs.

That’s when Brock walked over, “hey! There are the two most unfun people in this place!”

“Jackass,” she quipped.

“I’m gonna go talk to Marky,” Elias said, trying to make his escape.

“Fine then, leave me to avoid socializing alone, I guess” she called at him sarcastically.

He nervously laughed and turned around, quickly making his way to the patio that he knew was empty.

Once he got outside he took a deep breath. “Fuck,” he sighed.  He stood there thinking of what he needed to do. He couldn’t end up like ‘Chad,’ he had to stop whatever this is that’s happening to him when he saw her. He’s never felt like this, he’s never even had a girlfriend for Christ’s sake. How the hell did he feel like this for a girl he doesn’t really know? He wished he’d never met her; when he’d never met her in real life, he could imagine she looked weird, or maybe she was really rude (not that he thought anyone related to Brock could be rude). However, that could not have been farther from the truth. She was amazing, and so incredibly beautiful, but not in the conventional way like most of the WAGs here tonight, most of them fit the “hot model, super social, 50,000 picture taking” stereotype that Elias personally didn’t find all that appealing. Shes the perfect height for him, perfect size for him, her hair color and length was even perfect, and that was the problem. She was everything he didn’t want her to be, and more. Her personality was exactly what he wished his future wife’s personality would be: sweet with a little bit of sass, would rather stay inside, doesn’t take shit from people, while still a bit awkward, witty humored, sports loving, lazy Sunday having, and just goddamn perfect. The first word that came to mind when thinking of Y/N, was just that: Perfect.

So he knew what he had to do, he couldn’t be her friend. One small conversation proved that tonight. He had to avoid her as best he could, and do the things he didn’t want to do to her: be cold, shut her out, not talk to her alone. It was going to be incredibly difficult, but he valued Brock's friendship too much.

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PRESENT

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As he looks back, it was the best decision. It was definitely torturous to him, but he had to. Especially after literally every one of his closest teammates was basically like a big brother to her, or a best friend, or a “cuddle buddy” whatever that meant. He can’t even imagine what would happen now. JT, Bo, Brock, Troy, Thatcher, Marky, even Quinn would have his head if he tried anything. And God if he wasn’t terrified of the rage in JT’s eyes when anyone messed with Y/N, it wasn’t human and no one can convince Elias otherwise...seriously fucking terrifying.

-----------------------------------

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[whumphoarder]

hi! lol i was reading ur ask game answers and i saw one that said u have one coming along for peter getting picked up from school. tbh im excited for that as everything u guys come up with is genius. in the meantime, do u have any other peter gets picked up from school recs? i didnt realize how much of a sucker i was for the trope until now lol

No you read it correctly! I have two fics planned with @coconutknightshade that we hopefully will be working on in the next couple months. And I’m a sucker for the “Tony picking Peter up from school” trope as well so here you go:

In Case of Emergency by aliaoftwoworlds

Tony is listed as one of Peter's emergency contacts.

What Do Sick Teenagers Do? by natasha_alianovna_romanoff

When Peter gets suddenly ill at school and May is out of the city for work, his teachers don't know what to do with him. Tony is sure they handled it wrong. But how do you handle a sick teenager?

Basically the classic sick Peter trope with lots of irondad and poor Peter being completely out of it.

Blue skies fade to grey by @xxx-cat-xxx

Peter gets sick at school, and Ned, MJ and Tony try to take care of him in their own particular ways.

Flying High by @blondsak & @seek-rest

“I think Coach Wilson is ready to get started.”

Peter glances over to the man who, contrary to what Ned said looked bored out of his mind. Peter wonders if Michelle was going to watch him during tryouts - only to wonder if that would be worse, considering his inability to focus when she was around.

He sneaks a glance towards her, only to see her eyes widen - his senses screaming at him a second too late as he hears someone call out, “Watch out!”

Peter doesn’t even get a chance to see what he should watch out for when everything around him turns to black.

you're still young (that's not your fault) by @tonystarkstan

Five times Tony goes to Peter's school and one time Peter goes with him to work.

hold back the river by @toosicktoocare

Peter takes an unfortunate plunge in the Hudson, and it's okay because he's fine.

Until he's not.

5 Times Peter Thought Tony Was Mad by @caraminha

... and one time he actually was.

Parental Obligations by wanderinghooves

“What are you doing with the kid? Here?”

Tony groans under the combined strain of both Peter’s weight and his ridiculous backpack.

“Babysitting.”

(Peter gets sick while May is out of town, and responsibility falls to Tony.)

Vein Drain  by @ciaconnaa

Peter Parker faints at Midtown's annual Halloween themed blood drive. Tony Stark gets called to pick him up.

sick day by aloneintherain

Mr. Stark places the back of his hand against Peter’s forehead, realises again he’s wearing gauntlets and Peter is wearing a mask, and retracts it. “Friday, does he have a fever?”

“Oh my god,” Falcon says. “What kind of hellscape did knock-off Harry Potter throw us into? Are you parenting him right now?”

These Hands Could Hold The World (But It’ll Never Be Enough) by josywbu

5 times Tony goes to Peter's school and the 1 time Peter's class visits Stark Industries.

Emergency Contact by petrakronos

Peter figured he had to have a weakness to his spider powers, but he never expected to find out in such a brutal way. It was torturous and in a place like this of all places for this to happen. He wished the universe would take him now.

Sick in second-period Spanish class. What a way to go out.

And one from me:

¿Cómo se dice ‘I’m in Deep Sh*t’? by @whumphoarder

Due to unforeseen circumstances (and a bit of procrastination), Peter runs out of time to prepare for his Spanish presentation and ends up faking sick to buy himself some more.

He just wasn’t really counting on Tony being the one to pick him up from school.

[lovelucybradford]

I Pretend You’re Mine (4)

A/N: Hi all! I know it’s been a while. Unfortunately adulting sucks and I was so caught up in my work situations that I had no more left to give. Thankfully, the writer’s block has gone away (for now). I planned to have this up on Valentine’s Day, butttt *writer’s block*. So, to make up for it, I’m (hopefully) giving you two chapters this weekend. Chapter five is a continuation of four; it was just so long that I decided to split it into two parts. Hope you enjoy, and thanks for all the love! 

Masterlist

Tags: @empath-bunny​

@ityagirljay​​

@wolfarrowepz​

@supernatural-crazed-girl

Chapter Four: Drag Me Headfirst, Fearless

As soon as the plane landed on the tarmac in sunny Florida, the reality of Rosalie’s upcoming situation had hit her like a freight train. She’d been a nervous wreck since. Rosalie jiggled her leg so much on the Uber ride to the port of call that Stiles, the human form of the Energizer bunny, had placed a hand on her knee and urged her to stop. At that point, Rose figured she’d better cool it before she completely lost her resolve and ‘jumped ship’, so to speak.

So, Rosalie began listing things that she could count on in an attempt to center herself. It was something that the woman had been taught and perfected over many years of intense therapy sessions. She rattled off the list in her mind as she concentrated on the quickly passing palm trees on the side of the highway.

Things That Rosalie Could Count on For the Trip from Hell:

One: Knowing Rosalie’s stepmother Evelyn, who made her career out of creating high-class soirees such as this, everything would be meticulously planned out, down to the minute. If it were up to her, she’d even plan the times that they could use the toilet.

Two: Rosalie would most likely be the talk of the event, until the gossip hounds found something, or someone, juicier to bite into. The last time that she had seen the relatives, all twenty of them (minus her Uncle Joe and Aunt Natalie, who wanted nothing to do with her father), was three days before Drew and Rose had their untimely breakup. Drew, who was more family to them than Rosalie ever was.

Luckily, if she had to go through hell, at least…

Three: Rosalie’s support system would be with her 100%. She had Lydia to give reassuring hand squeezes and the family subtle insults. Her brother Levi who, as much of a jackass that he could be, would defend his sister’s honor to the (metaphorical) death. Stiles and Rose would lounge around the open bar and mock her Uncle Tom as he attempted to ‘dance’, or Aunt Sarah who would undoubtedly flirt with Derek.

Derek… Rose’s confidante, her best friend, her anchor, who hadn’t spoken a word since they stepped foot on the extravagant vessel.

Rosalie could chalk it up to being so breath taken from the scenery that Derek had nothing to say. Even Stiles had repeatedly commented “Holy shit this is so bougie” ten times in the last five minutes. (Not that she couldn’t agree. Her  father Jason was the poster child for ‘go big or go home’) To be fair, it was beautiful. The atrium was adorned floor to ceiling in shades of gold, a large diamond chandelier smack in between two beautiful staircases.

Staircases that gave Rosalie an eerie sense of déjà vu. Only because she had seen something bearing a high resemblance to them in a movie featuring her fictional doppelgänger, a fellow redhead who shared Rose’s name.

Part of her wondered if this was her father’s idea of a sick joke. Rosalie had always said that Drew and her were ‘Jack and Rose’. Turns out Drew was more of a Cal Hockley than a Jack Dawson. As for Rosalie, she was still Rose, forever searching in that freezing sea for her Jack. She should have known that she and Drew were doomed to sink beneath the waves.

Sink beneath the waves… Rosalie’s heart began to pound faster as she grabbed ahold of Lydia’s wrist, relying on her cousin to guide her through the maze of humans and staircases to the staterooms.

Derek and Stiles walked ahead of the two, the former’s back stiff with tension.

Was he predicting, too, that this plan of theirs would go down like the Titanic?

Or was he dreading playing Rosalie’s lover in front of a ship full of pompous asses and the occasional normal person?

Derek normally exuded confidence, from the strong set of his jaw to the way that he entered a room. At that moment, he looked more like a frightened schoolboy than a man with enough swagger for their whole friend group.

His blatant anxiety just heightened Rosalie’s. Before she could really process it, Lydia was pulling her arm away and gently shaking Rose’s shoulder.

“Rose? Rosalie!”

Rosalie shook her head, clearing her thoughts and focusing on the hazel of Lydia’s eyes. “Hmm? Sorry.”

Lydia let out a puff of air, blowing upwards the tendrils of hair that weren’t securely fastened in her high ponytail. “We’re here. Go settle in and we’ll meet you in a bit.”

Lydia then shoved Rosalie towards Derek, who caught her with a hand on her elbow. He took the key card from Rose’s sweaty palm and slid it into the slot on the handle, opening the door to a stateroom with a balcony overlooking the crystal sea. The stateroom… with one bed.

Rosalie tried not to hyperventilate thinking that Derek and she had to share that.

“You can take the bed,” Derek commented as soon as he too laid eyes on it.

Rose ignored him, deciding to handle that situation later, flopping full-bodied onto the plush mattress. The white comforter smelled like a swift ocean breeze, and she couldn’t help but press her nose further into it.

“What is it with you and smelling things today?” Derek chuckled.

Rosalie threw a nearby pillow at him, her face still buried in the bed. “Shut up, asshole.”

The bed shifted to the right of where she lied, the fabric dipping a foot away. That made her feel better. At least if they had to share it like when they were kids, there would be enough space between the two of them so that things wouldn’t happen. Which Rosalie would make sure of. Well, sober her would make sure of it. Drunk her could not be trusted.

“I didn’t hear a word you said, but I assume it was something along the lines of ‘you’re an asshole.”

Rose rolled onto her side. “Close, but no dice…” She lost the train of thought as her eyes caught on a glittering cardstock pamphlet lying between the two of them.

Martin Family Reunion 2019

Day 1: Thursday, June 13th

5:00 pm- Disembark from Cape Canaveral

7:00 pm- Welcome Cocktails in the Stardust Lounge, Deck 6

All must attend.

Proper Cocktail Attire required for entry.

Rosalie groaned so loudly that a masculine laugh resounded from the other side of the wall.

“What?” Derek responded to his friend’s displeasure. Without a word, the woman passed him the pamphlet, watching out of the corner of her eye as his beautiful olive eyes took in the itinerary. His face contorted into a sour expression, and he put down the paper at once.

With a pat to Rose’s thigh, Derek got up from the bed and grabbed his wallet and the aviator sunglasses that were resting on the vanity table. Her eyes followed his form, waiting for some kind of explanation as to where in the hell he thought he was going.

“You and Lydia have fun getting ready. Stiles and I are going down to that bar we saw in the atrium.”

Rosalie gaped, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. “Wh—what? What about—”

“Would you chill? I’ll be back before seven. I need a drink before I see The Stepford Family.”

Rosalie snorted rather unattractively at Derek’s choice nickname for her father and his new family. Evelyn and her daughters certainly were like characters dragged out of The Stepford Wives film.

Derek was about to leave the room, when he paused, two fingertips grazing the golden door handle. He turned his body slightly to face Rose, a mischievous look in his eyes.

“It’s all-inclusive, right? Everything we buy with the key card goes on his tab?”

She assumed that by ‘his’, Derek meant her father, Jason.

“Yup,” Rosalie replied, popping the ‘p’.

“In that case, I’ll make sure to get the most expensive liquor that they have,” Derek smiled deviously, lazily waving the golden keycard.

She was momentarily distracted by his pretty face, and the familiar but unwanted fluttering in her stomach. By the time Rosalie snapped out of her thirstiness, he was gone.

__________________

Rosalie stumbled in her Louboutin’s for the sixth time, looking quite like the person who’d had three shots of Whiskey that was bottled before she was born.

Derek, the one who actually had, so smoothly wrapped his arm around Rose’s waist for support. The heat of his palm warmed her skin, even through the mint green cocktail dress she was wearing, but it was the last thing on her mind.

With every step that they took towards the wooden double doors at the entrance of the Stardust Lounge, the more Rose’s stomach churned, and her vision blurred. Eventually, her heart pounding through her ribcage was the only sound that Rosalie could hear.

Rosalie stopped abruptly, frantically searching for a bathroom, for a garbage can, for a balcony that she could jump off of.

Derek continued walking but was pulled back by the hand that was grasping Rose’s still figure.

 “I can’t do this. Oh god, I can’t do this. I think I’m going to throw up,” she breathed shallowly, the urge to vomit slowly creeping up her throat. Rose hastily removed Derek’s grip from her waist, struggling to find her balance, and teetered towards the opposite wall. Before she could go very far, Derek’s rough hand was in hers, squeezing it in a likely attempt to bring Rosalie back to center.

“What?” She heard Lydia begin, but Derek had silenced Lydia instantly with a rushed command of “Go, stall for us. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

“Hold your breath, Rosie!” Stiles called as Derek led a dazed Rosalie to a cream-tiled room.

Stiles’ advice brought Rose back to the time, years ago, when Lydia had told her that she’d kissed Stiles mid panic attack after his dad was shot pursuing a perp.

“When I kissed you, you held your breath,” Lydia had said to Stiles.

Rosalie had thought it romantic at the time. So romantic. But she prayed that Derek didn’t try that trick on her. Rose couldn’t handle it, not when…

Derek grabbed hold of either side of Rosalie’s face with both hands, forcing her to look at him.

“Rose. Rosie! Look at me. Breathe,”

His face so close to hers just made her breathing speed up, not slow like he intended.

“Fuck Rosalie,” Derek voiced, sounding almost as breathless as his best friend.

He nodded once, then took a deep breath through his nose and out through his mouth, his eyes never leaving Rosalie’s tear-stained face. “Breathe with me, babe. In, out.”

She tried to follow his lead, but only to appease him. Rosalie couldn’t stand that desperate look in his eyes, the frantic shifting of his gaze, or the tense set of his jaw. The thought of him being in pain like that, even emotional pain,it physically hurt her.

“Good. Good, Rosie. Keep going.”

She took a few more breaths through her nose, the world-ending feeling lessening with each exhale.

“You good?” Derek questioned, his thumb rubbing lightly up and down the woman’s cheek.

Rosalie nodded softly, still not having the breath to voice any thoughts.

She leaned back on the countertop, feeling the coolness of the tile and the mirror behind her. Rose hadn’t noticed before, but they were hiding from the family in a large single bathroom. Rosalie laughed to herself. It wasn’t the first time that she’d had a mental breakdown next to a toilet. And it probably wouldn’t be the last.

“Thanks,” Rose commented hoarsely, not daring to look at Derek in fear of what he might think of her. Weak was the only word that came to mind. “Sorry for freaking out. Never thought you’d have to console someone in a bathroom, did you?”

Derek snorted, and Rose’s heart dropped a bit at the sound, thinking that he was mocking her. “Actually, you’re not the first crying woman that I’ve held in a cramped bathroom.”

She raised one brow at him, a wordless cue to elaborate.

“I may or may not have had a girlfriend with a pregnancy scare back in college.”

“Of course, you did,” Rosalie said before she could really think about it, heart once more dipping in her chest. What was she thinking, pretending to be engaged to someone like Derek Hale?

Derek Hale, who could have any woman he wanted. Who would think that he would settle for someone as quiet and average as Rosalie?

“Hey.” Derek stepped in front of her, further away than he was minutes ago, but not by much. “Never apologize for being human, for having feelings and fears. Especially not to me.”

All Rosalie could manage was a small smile, to which he reciprocated with one of his own.

“You’re still the strongest woman I know. Stronger than Cora, stronger than mom—”

“I don’t know about that,” she replied playfully.

Derek rolled his eyes and continued on with his motivational speech, every word loosening the tense muscles in her shoulders. “Yes, even my mom. But don’t tell her I said that. Hey, if you’re worried about your family, then fuck them. They should be thankful that you’re even here after all the shit they threw at you.”

Rosalie nodded, fingers playing absently with the sapphire ring on her left hand—thinking about the last time she had worn a diamond on the same finger. And the man that put it there. Who took it so easily and put it on someone else. Not just someone else: Ashleigh.

“No, I can see it in your face. You’re worried about seeing Drew again, aren’t you?”

Damn him for being so perceptive, and for knowing her so well. Rosalie went to deny it but found that she couldn’t lie to him.

“You know what, we’ll walk in there, I’ll see him, and you know what I’ll say?”

He was smiling again, grinning ear to ear like he thought he was hilarious. It was so rare to see him like that that she humored him just to keep that smile on his face.

“And what will you say, may I ask?”

“’Me thinks thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.’”

Rosalie couldn’t help herself as her head swung back in a fit of giggles. “Oh my God, Derek Hale. You are such a dork.”

“Ah,” he countered, holding up a finger, “You can’t say that. Not when you totally got my joke.”

Rosalie beamed up at him. “Ok, fine. We’re both dorks. Happy, Derek the Bard?”

“Yes, princess. I’m enthused. You ready to go?” Derek gestured with a thumb towards the door. The door that lead to the hallway. The hallway to the Starboard Lounge, where all of Rosalie’s family would stare at her like she was some rare creature on the auction block.

“No,” Rose said weakly.

Derek rolled his eyes again, a look that Rose was more familiar with than the Cheshire Cat grin that previously lit up his face. “Yes, you are.”

Rosalie stared at herself in the large, lighted mirror, checking over her face and hair for damages. Trust Rose’s family to point out a single flaw in her appearance. She looked mostly put together, save for the tiny specks of black mascara under her eyes and the slightly faded red lipstick. Rose grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall, wetting it and dabbing under her eyes until all of the mascara smears disappeared.

Satisfied, Rosalie tossed the towel in the garbage bin and grabbed her clutch. “Do I look okay?”

Derek’s eyes swept her form, taking in everything from the pale white of Rosalie’s untanned legs to the lace of her dress, to the retro curls in her hair. She suddenly felt self-conscious, even more so when Derek stayed silent.

Rose nudged him with her elbow, hoping he would say something, anything, and end this deafening silence. His eyes flicked back towards Rosalie. “You look beautiful.”

She opened her mouth to protest, to tell him that she knew he was just saying that because he’s her best friend and he has to.

“I mean it, Rosalie,” Derek added firmly.

“What about me? Do I look good enough to fit in with high-society?” Derek asked, hand sweeping down his body.

Rosalie took it as an unashamed excuse to study him. The unbuttoned suit jacket that he wore hugged his biceps so nicely that it was hard to not stare at them for too long. The white shirt under it was buttoned, except for the two closest to the top that were left open to show a peek of dark chest hair.

In short, he looked like a snack, and damn was Rosalie hungry. Not that she could tell him that, of course. So, she just repeated what he already knew. “Of course. You know you’re hot.”

Derek’s eyes widened, his ears turning slightly pink. “You think I’m hot?”

“You think you’re hot.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Um, yes you do. You get that look on your face when you’re flirting with girls like ‘I’m sexy and I know it.’”

“God, that was one time Rosalie! It guess I will never live it down.”

Rosalie snickered at the memory. “No, you won’t. Now be a good pretend fiancé and help me walk.”

“Why the hell are you wearing those stilettos if you can’t even walk in them?”

“Lydia made me.”

Derek said nothing, knowing that there was no arguing with Lydia Martin. He offered his friend his arm, ever the gentleman. In turn, she placed her hand in the crook of his elbow, trying not to get too distracted by the muscle under it.

[istoleyoursnacks]

Brunch Time!

I’m posting this on a Saturday night, but it doesn’t matter! Any day is great for brunch, but Sunday brunch is the best, right? Whether you're making the yummy foodies to wake up both yourself and your family (or just yourself like me!), Or if you happen to treat yourself by going out for an omelette, a skillet, or even eggs and pancakes! But a good homemade breakfast/brunch hash is a great way to get everyone out of bed and around the table!

I have a basic hash recipe for you that involves a heaping cup of love. For first time cookers, it's a great thing to get under your belt, and once you feel you've mastered the few ingredients in your pan, you can start adding things, taking them out, and really play around with hash. My hashes are almost never the same (unless I'm being kinda lazy or sick. Sometimes even just the base hash is good enough). You can find it below, as well as a variant or two! Please note that with this hash, I do not use pre-shredded potatoes. I chunk mine into bite-sized pieces!

So, for the very basic hash, I typically use:

1 russet potato OR a couple of handfuls of the small potatoes that come in the one pound bag to equal a russet. Make sure to clean your potato. No need for the extra helping of dirt. Peeling it is optional, but I typically don’t. 

Part of an onion OR one shallot. A shallot is a more subtle onion that doesn’t have that sharp taste, and definitely won’t make you cry when you cut into it! 

Peppers. Depending on what you want in there, I at least start with a green bell. You can add as many as you want after. I throw in part of a green and part of a red for color. 

Butter! They say to use olive oil to be healthier, but let’s face it: butter-fried potatoes are the BEST. Vegan friends can use a hot-temperature oil like canola.

Mushrooms. You can get them pre-sliced, or you can get button ones to slice yourself. Either way, use the stems! They’re edible!

Some kind of meat. This is optional, especially for the vegan/vegetarian friends, but I love a meat in with my hash. You can use leftover steak from the night before, ham steak, bacon, pancetta (which is an italian-style cured bacon/ham. It may be more expensive, and if you can’t tolerate a lot of salt like me, give it an extra rinse in your strainer before adding), etc.

Note here that if I say just butter, you can assume I’m saying butter/oil. :)

So! Here is how I make my hash to make sure it’s cooked all the way! Crunchy potatoes that are underdone are... well, you won’t make the same mistake twice. It has a distinctive crunch. I’ve heard that people used to eat potatoes raw once, but a: I don’t know if that’s actually true, and b: I was very young when I heard this. But anyway! Melt your butter (if you’re making it for two, use 1 Tbsp, use 2 for four people, etc) over med-high heat (my stove is electric, so if you have numbers, I use between 6 and 7. Get that pan nice and hot!). While the butter melts, chunk up your potato(es) to bite sized pieces or smaller if you want, then add to the pan when you start hearing a nice sizzle from the butter/oil. Give the potatoes a nice stir to coat with the butter, then let it be for a minute or two while you slice and dice the onion. If you plan to use pancetta, add it with your potatoes. It needs time to render. If not, then just wait with your meat until the end. Add your onions, then give that pan a stir. Then slice and dice some peppers, then add to your pan. By this time, you should be a: smelling wonderful things from your pan, and b: start to see a nice light brown from your potatoes! Toss in those mushrooms next, then let it sit for a few minutes, stirring occasionally. Let them turn a nice brown, then add your meat that isn’t pancetta or bacon. Give it a nice warm up, and get some fry marks on there if you really want to. 

Ta da! You can serve it with a nice egg on top (I fry mine over easy to let the yolk run in there), put some cheese on if you like, crank some pepper, and make some toast!

That was the basic hash! Below are a couple of nice variants! Also, don’t be afraid to experiment with different spices. I give you some tools to help you, but I also encourage experimentation! That definitely doesn’t mean put dried basil on your tongue and see what it tastes like, or trying a teaspoon of vanilla (spoiler alert: vanilla extract is gross). But use this and then try new things/ spice combinations.

Mexican hash:

Add a poblano pepper to your pepper mix, use chorizo, tomatoes, add some chili powder, garlic powder, cumin, and then (if you really want to get fancy!) some pinto, black, or light red kidney beans! Top it off with some hot sauce, salsa, sour cream, and cilantro (but only if you like it!). If you don’t have those specific spices, taco seasoning will work as well. I personally don’t use the pre-made stuff cause it has so much salt in it. If you use chorizo, add it right away with your potatoes, and use a half amount of butter. Chorizo will release an oil when you cook it down, so it will mingle with the butter nicely and you won’t end up with a greasy mess. (hint: use your toast to help mop up that lovely oil on your plate! ;) )

Mediterranean hash:

Add some greens in there! I like using spinach to get juuuuust to the part where its wilting, but kale works here too. Use garbanzo beans (chickpeas), olives, maybe some dill or za’atar seasoning (you can find this blend in the spice aisle of your grocery store. It’s a blend of sumac, oregano, thyme, and sometimes marjoram. If you can, give it a whiff at the store. It’s a very lovely smell.) Tomatoes would go well in here too. Top with feta cheese!

If you make something else and love it, share it with me! I’d love to hear about what you came up with! Also thank you very much for letting me share these with you. Happy brunching!

-Snacks

[kotosnoozy]

「witness me, old man」

chp 1 - recollections of dinners in eden

1st in a series of yuraven oneshots for my favourite aus, both canon to the tales series and of my own creation. ao3 link in the replies.

1. tales of asteria | recollections of eden 2. modern/coffee shop au 3. tales of the rays | 'it's new years! brave vesperia' event 4. schwann brigade yuri au 5. zestiria setting au 6. modern/band au. ao3 link in the replies.

Claw truly is a fantastic cook.

It’s rare, in honesty, that he gets a chance to taste his food. It’s an offer rarely made - only on those seldom occasions where he comes to seek Raven’s information-gathering expertise, and even then only when he deems his work to have gone above and beyond his expectations. He’s a harsh critic, for a man who clearly knows he wouldn’t personally be able to do the job, though the quality of his food is certainly worth the extra effort Raven has to put in to pass the grade.

He has to chase Norma away from the office on nights like these. At times, that feels harder than the information gathering he has to do to get to this point - she’s stubborn as a mule, and has a good nose for his lies. She doesn’t know about his… side-job, so to speak, and he has no intention of telling her any time soon if he can help it. She’d only nag for a free meal herself anyway, and there’s something special about these evenings he gets to spend with Claw, just the two of them. The addition of a spunky teenager would kill the vibe - even if the teenager in question is technically mature enough to be his business partner.

The only consistent method he’s found is to send her off to the next town over on some errand he swears that only she can handle, that he couldn’t possibly join her and get in the way of her work. Of course, it’s tricky to convince her that there’s anything she could do that he couldn’t - the bulk of their work is, after all, odd jobs and chores for the elderly, but if he bitches and whines enough (“Oh Norma , you know how my back gets, ancient as I am!”) then she’ll finally give in and head off with little fuss.

He gets to put the ol’ bad back excuse to good work when Claw arrives too - he couldn’t possibly help out in the kitchen, he’s so old and slow that he’ll only get in the way, or else mess up the recipe.

Claw, unsurprisingly, is far more skeptical of his tall tales than Norma. But for whatever reason, he’s never once complained at Raven sitting on his lazy ass and watching instead of helping. If anything, he almost seems a little happy about it.

After he does his little dance around the kitchen - finely dicing onions with nary a tear, pulverising potatoes efficiently, mixing it all together with a meat Raven’s tastebuds can never quite place, and frying the little balls of the concoction after coating them in breadcrumbs - there’s a plate of perfectly crisp croquettes placed in the middle of the table. It feels almost criminal to allow them to sit in the same spot that they usually just throw cheap takeout and sloppily-made sandwiches, mouth-wateringly good as they look.

“I really don’t know how ya do it, Cap’n.” he says, polishing off his first and skewering a second with his fork. “Makin’ something as tasty as this with just a couple of ingredients… Y’ ever think ya might be in the wrong line of work?”

Claw snorts in amusement, simply resting his head in his hand with a roll of his eyes.

It’s always like this. He’ll cook enough for both of them (or maybe three, or even four people - Raven can’t deny that he’s a real glutton when it comes to Claw’s cooking), but never eats himself. He simply watches Raven from over his collar, expression indecipherable from just his eyes alone. If it wasn’t something of a routine by now, then he’s sure he’d find the constant dark-eyed gaze unnerving, to say the least.

Instead he just feels guilty - it feels unfair to be the only one eating.

“...why is it that ya never eat yerself while yer here?” he asks tentatively. He really can’t imagine such a high ranking member of Her Highness’s guard suffering from eating-related stage fright, but it certainly wouldn’t be the strangest thing he’s ever heard of.

Claw quirks an eyebrow.

“You know as well as I do that Her Excellency forbids my face to be seen.”

Ah.

How did he let that slip his mind?

“That must be a hell of a pain when you’re on the road with your platoon, huh.” he quips instead to cover his lapse in memory.

There’s a slight change to Claw’s breathing that he doubts he’d notice if he wasn’t so good at his job - the tiniest of sighs. He remains otherwise silent.

G r o o o o w l

...Although the same cannot be said for his stomach, it seems, as it heartily voices its protests. Raven simply cannot stop the wide grin that rises to his face.

Claw’s eyes narrow, no doubt already anticipating what will come next.

“C’mon, Cap’n, you should try some yerself!”

He scoffs.

“It’s fine. I’ll just eat whatever’s leftover when I get back to the barracks later.”

“You know as well as I do that’s a hell of a waste - why let it go cold when you could just eat it right here and now?”

Claw’s gaze narrows further.

“Raven…” he drawls, warningly.

“C’monnnn, it’ll be our little secret! I promise, I won’t tell a soul!” he says, leaning over the table to wave a skewered croquette in his face. Claw’s eyes tick back and forth like a metronome as he watches the morsel, and he thinks he’s almost got him- and then he furrows his brows, eyes clenched shut like a baby rejecting a snack it doesn’t like the look of.

Raven sighs.

“Spoilsport. No one would’ve ever needed to know,” he whines. “‘m just thinkin’ about yer health, Cap’n. Nothin’ more, I swear.”

It happens as he goes to sit up straight - quick as lightning.

He snatches the hand Raven’s waving in front of his face, like a cat pouncing its prey, and hooks a finger over his high, wide collar. Scoops the bite Raven had thought was now destined for him into his own mouth. Replaces the collar as quickly as it left.

It’s maybe 3 seconds at the most. An absolutely miniscule amount of time. But more than enough for a man in Raven’s line of work to get a good look at his permanently-obscured face.

To take in his delicate features - nose long and beak-like, but cheeks far more rounded than he’d expected, pink lips thin yet surprisingly plump, a proud chin despite his round jaw - to be absolutely enraptured by how beautiful he is.

‘Do they hafta keep their faces covered,’ he wonders idly, ‘because they’re all this distractingly beautiful? Or is Claw just a special case?’

He can’t break his eyes away, even after Claw finishes his mouthful, looks up at him expectantly, once more quirks an eyebrow in confusion. His heart is pounding , stirring in a way that feels almost like nostalgia for some reason. He’s hot and cold all at once, cheeks burning but blood like ice, and he longs to reach out and touch him, pull the collar down for a better look, truly commit his face to memory. But then there’s a pain in his heart like a knife, pure grief , and it twists, makes him feel sick to the stomach, and his brain is fuzzy, he doesn’t understand-

“What’re you staring at, old man?”

It feels like being clocked around the head. He scrambles up straight, trying to put as much space between them as he can even as he yearns to be closer.

“Nothing! Nothing at all!”

Claw’s eyebrow climbs ever higher. Raven scrambles for something to say - whatever that was is definitely something to unpack later , if ever at all.

“Anyway, my darlin’ Claw,”

(‘Wait, darlin’??? Where the hell did that come from???’)

“How does it feel to get a taste of yer own food pipin’ hot for once?”

He swears he can see a gentle flush of red to his cheekbones where they peek above the collar.

“...I guess it’s better than when it’s cold.” he mumbles, gaze never meeting Raven’s.

He smiles, satisfied, and does his best to squash down the rest of that strange sensation as he tucks back into his meal.

Later, when Claw is gone and he’s alone with his thoughts, he’ll make a decision. That next time Claw cooks for him, he’ll persuade him to remove the collar again. And maybe he’ll figure out exactly what the lurching of his heart means. Who knows? He might even cook for Claw for a change.

(Something tells him he’s got a sweet tooth. Maybe he likes crepes?)

Little does he know that though certainly, he will receive the offer of Claw’s cooking in exchange for hard work at least once more, never again will he have the opportunity to actually sample it.

((it’s that night that the dreams start))

[digi-tama-in-your-pocket]

Sloppy little v-pet guide

It feels like the virtual pet community on tumblr is super small and mostly favors Tamagotchi, I feel way unqualified to do this, but here’s a quick, super basic guide to the modern Digimon virtual pets that I know of ( I say modern but I use the term loosely because they’re all very much nostalgia bait )

If you really don’t know anything about virtual pets at all... they’re little LCD key chain games, pet simulators, you feed them and train/play with them to fill up their heart meters, clean up their poop, put them to bed, treat injuries and sickness, watch them grow into new forms, and try to keep them from dying, Digimon sets itself apart from the rest by connecting to to other Digimon V-pets to do battles and more. 

One thing to note is that Most, if not all V-pets can connect to each other even if they’re not the same version. They have a very basic battle system in place if they’re different versions, but it’s slightly more involved if they’re the same version. ( There’s even a fan made device that can connect them to battle online and play in an online digimon game )

Last thing i’ll say is that if you are thinking of getting a Japanese v-pet, all the ones I mention here  are in english, with the exception of the digimon’s name, but that can be looked up by looking over one of the evolution trees on Humulosmon’s website, Digitama Hatchery. 

Perhaps I should move this to it’s own FAQ section on my blog but who even opens people’s blogs anymore? With that out of the way, let’s get this started under a read more!

Digital Monster Ver. 20th ( AKA the DM 20th )

This is the most accessible and affordable Digimon V-pet on the market right now. So affordable that even though Bandai has issued slightly improved versions in Japan for twice the price, most Japanese fans prefer to import these from overseas to save money. Some people have sighted them at Target for $5 but you’ll typically find them for $20.

They look just like the original Digimon virtual pet, but they are actually a special 20th anniversary edition that has some new features... new features that, for some reason, Bandai are not advertising at all, and I don’t know why.

New features not in the original virtual pet include:

Choose from all 5 of the original digimon eggs on one device

Battle the AI opponents in a Colosseum mode 

Raise two digimon at the same time

Your two Digimon can tag-team battle, and some can even fuse into a new digimon ( this is called Jogress, short for “joint progress” )

Put your digimon down for a nap for up to three hours hours in case you’re busy

Keep a log of all the different Digimon you’ve raised, giving you a goal to fill it out

New forms that were not present in the original virtual pets

New unlockable eggs with special digimon inside

You can actually load your save data, so if you need to take a break from your v-pet or you have a low battery, you can just pop out the battery without fear of losing your digimon or your log book progress.

This is the v-pet i’d recommend to everyone who’s interest in Digimon V-pets. It does have it’s downsides though. This v-pet is programmed to poop a lot more frequently than other v-pets for some reason, which becomes a real problem if you’re busy or you over sleep ( pro-tip, set your digimon’s clock ahead a bit so it wakes up when you do. All Digimon wake up at 7AM ), there are also some exclusive eggs locked to certain colors of the device. You’ll have to do a little research on that. Digitama Hatchery has all the info you need on that subject.  It’s also fairly basic compared to other virtual pets, but not by a lot. And lastly, you cannot pause this pet. ( Pro tip, actually you can, but you have to press the reset button to do it )

As mentioned earlier, there is a new version of this device called the Digital Monster Ver. Revival, exclusive to Japan. It lessens the poop frequency, and has a proper pause funtion instead of naps. But it’s twice the price, so I’d say you just put down $20 on the western release.

Digimon Pendulum Ver. 20th ( AKA the Pen 20th )

These are a lot like the Digital Monster Ver. 20th. But instead of being a special reprint of the original virtual pet, they’re a special reprint of the Digimon Pendulum, which didn’t come out in the west as far as I know. The main difference here is that instead of button mashing to battle and train, you shake the device repeatedly.  You have to get to know the rhythm and number of shakes your digimon requires to get the best results.

The key difference between this v-pet and the one above:

They poop a lot less frequently than the DM20th, even when there’s two digimon

The sound is very different

You still get multiple eggs on each device, but with far more exclusives.

You can pause them by putting them to sleep when it’s not their natural bed time

Device makes a subtle sound when the Digimon poops so you know when to clean it

They wake up at 8AM instead of 7AM

A lot more of the digimon can Jogress, in fact most of them can

The eggs are somewhat themed ( beast, aquatic, robots, evil, good, ect. )

These Digimon are very desireable, but they’re also unfortunately very overpriced compared to the DM 20th, as they only came out in Japan. I don’t even want to mention how much I paid to get two of them...  They come in four colors, Silver black, Silver Blue were wave 1, and Beelzemon, and Dukemon themed devices were wave 2... The wave 1 and wave 2 devices share a lot of digimon, but they do have some exclusives.  On top of that, I hear these are prone to losing their save data, so it’s recommended to reset it every time you change the batteries, and handle with care.

Digimon Pendulum Z ( AKA the Pen Z )

This is a lot like the Digimon Pen 20th, but it’s not a special anniversary reprint. It is actually a continuation of the original Pendulums.  So sadly, you only get one egg in these devices. But, the Digimon you can obtain are mostly new Digimon that have not featured in a virtual pet before, and some even make their debut on these devices.  They’re also a tad bit more nuanced. Here’s the key differences between the Pen Z and the Pen 20ths.

One Egg per device like the original 90′s v-pets, which means no tag-team battles

You can only raise one Digimon at a time, but you can “Back up” your Digimon, essentially preserving them in suspended animation where they won’t age or get sick, so you can raise another Digimon. You can have up to three Digimon on your device this way.

Evolution trees are slightly bigger

Hearts fill up and deplete in halves now, and older Digimon can have more hearts than older v-pets

The device tells you how many times you need to shake it for battles, removing the guess work and making it easier

New close ups on your digimon’s face when they perform strong hits

Digimon went back to waking up at 7AM

RPG elements added to the Colosseum, your Digimon now has a level and can earn EXP to get stronger, and to effect what they evolve into. You get a congratulations screen when you beat this mode.

In Colosseum mode you fight three digimon in a row, with the third one being a stronger “boss” digimon

Single use items that can completely fill digimon’s hearts, change their performance in battle, double EXP, and more

Your digimon can have a random event trigger, usually it finds an item or an enemy worth lots of EXP when this happens.

These things are expensive, but not as expensive as the Pen 20th, and are some of the newest virtual pets you can get. In fact, wave 2 of the Pen Z has not even been released yet. You can only get them by pre-ordering through Premium Bandai, they ship out in April, so act while supplies last. You can only pre-order them in packs of three unfortunately. No individuals.

Digital Monster X Ver 1-3 ( AKA DMX, DMX2, and DMX3 )

Here’s the last modern Digimon V-pet I have any kind of experience with. The Digital Monster X. These ones are the most nuanced yet in my opinon, and they have my favorite mechanics.  Also, they come with lore I guess?  If you slip your hands in between the cardboard packaging, you’ll find a tiny comic... of course I can’t read it. But it goes something along the lines of... “ King Drasil, the king of the Digital World, created some kind of virus to kill off Digimon and solve an overpopulation issue, but the Digimon mutated the “X-Antibody” that makes them resist the virus and are rebelling against King Drasil”, it’s wild and weird and I guess there’s more lore that I haven’t dug up yet and a TV special I’ve not seen yet... anyway, onto the pet..

This one no longer has the shaking mechanic and goes back to button presses. But it adds in a new mechanic of it’s own called the X Antibody Indicator...  Actually... this is technically a continuation of the Pendulum X, which introduced the X antibody, but I don’t know much about that v-pet, so I won’t go into it.  And once again, we only choose from one egg this time.

They came out in three waves, each having two devices in each wave, and those devices have some exclusive digimon, but a lot of shared Digimon, so you’ll have to make your own call on weather or not you want more than one v-pet per wave. 

This thing is a lot like the Pendulum Z, so I will use that as a basis, here is what makes this different from the Pendulum Z aside from the shaking mechanic going away

XAI rolls, a new mechanic that involves rolling dice. You do this once daily to determine the random events for the day, you do it before the colosseum to determine how difficult it will be that day, and you do it before each battle to effect how easy it is to land a strong attack.

Colosseum mode battles are now called “areas” and have pixelated Landscapes to make it feel more like a Quest mode rather than a series of battles

Colosseum mode will eventually start throwing more than three enemies at you. Your digimon’s hunger will deplete in the Colosseum, if you make it far enough, there are rest areas in which you can feed your Digimon.

Even larger evolution trees

A lot of evolution trees are locked until you advance far enough into the Colosseum

Most of the Digimon are “X-Antibody” counterparts of existing Digimon ( this won’t mean much on the little pixelated screen, but if you look up their key artwork, you’ll find that they look very different with much more intricate designs than their original counterparts. Think “Alola Pokemon” )

These things are great, probably my favorite mechanically speaking, however, I don’t much care for the X-antibody Digimon, or the Rosters of each V-pet.  And while I did follow an evolution guide on Digitama Hatchery, I often didn’t get what I was aiming for, so maybe I didn’t know what I was doing, idk, it was my first Digimon V-pet outside of the DM20th, so I was still learning.

These ones are also fairly expensive, I probably spent more than I needed to just buying one of these, when I paid the price most people sell two of them for. Only other major warning I hear is that the wave 1 devices have very bad screens that display things way too dark. So keep that in mind...  BUT, before you buy, these things are strongly rumored to be releasing in the west. Meaning they’ll likely be sold for a cheaper, more reasonable price.. the rumor was that they’d be announced early this year, so i’ll give it until March.

And there you go, a little  guide to modern Digimon V-pets. Hope it helps someone, anyone, make a decision if they’re interested at all in these little things. 

These are only the modern V-pets, there’s loads of older pets that likely go for obscene prices, you’ll have to do your own research on those. I really don’t know much about the upcoming Vital Bracelet, and honestly I don’t know if i’m going to get it if it’s tied to fitness. Seems like a poorly timed release during the pandemic if you ask me. And the “Digivice” that looks closer to the devices you see in the anime is not so much a virtual pet as it is an LCD mission mode game.  I have ZERO experience with those but I have ordered one recently, i’ll come back and talk about it when it gets here.

And remember, check out Humulosmon’s website, Digitama Hatchery for tons of resources. At the very least, it’s a good way to see what your Digimon is meant to look like instead of trying to interpret the pixel art yourself.

[tigerkirby215]

5e Graves, the Outlaw build (League of Legends)

(Artwork by Jason Chan. Made for Riot Games.)

Blam blam?

Honestly I made Twisted Fate awhile ago so Graves was on my To Do list. It does also help that he has become a bit of a main character in the Tales of Runeterra shorts, being featured in both the Bilgewater and Bandle City short. And his place in the League meta certainly helps too.

But truthfully most of the builds I make are rather spur of the moment. Graves was just one I had a sudden bit of inspiration to do, which is why he’s up now.

GOALS

Hope you weren't planning to die of natural causes - Two barrels of Destiny should be enough to blow the brains out of anyone who stands in your way, or any other squishy bits.

I ain't got time to bleed - Who has more armor? The woman riding a horse made of literal metal, or the guy with a shotgun who did a bunch of Wave Dashes?

Lights out - To keep foes in place you’re going to need to smoke them out... Smoke them in?

RACE

Because I’m sick of constantly making Variant Humans I’m still going for Eberron Dragonmarks. Nothing really makes sense for Graves except for the Mark of Passage. Your Dexterity increases by 2 and you can increase any ability of your choice by 1: bump up that Constitution for a bit more bulk in the jungle.

You have Courier’s Speed for 5 extra feet of movement and Intuitive Motion to drive land vehicles or make Acrobatics checks. But of course the main feature we’re here for is Magical Passage to cast Misty Step once per Long Rest. Since we won’t be getting Misty Step from elsewhere we’ll finally have an accurate cooldown for Flash!

If Dragonmarks aren’t an option: Variant Human with either the Crossbow Expert feat or the Fey Touched feat works fine.

ABILITY SCORES

15; DEXTERITY - DEX is the “shoot gun” stat, as well as your AC stat among other things. Turns out we’ll have to shoot our gun a lot.

14; CHARISMA - Graves has a gruff charm to him, and while Fate is the one who usually does the talking that doesn’t mean Graves is incapable of doing so.

13; CONSTITUTION - You’re deceptively tanky for a Markman, though that mostly comes from Grit.

12; STRENGTH - You’re also a fairly large man, and New Destiny is a heavy gun.

10; WISDOM - You can tell when folk are lying but you’re a little dense.

8; INTELLIGENCE - But if the Legends of Runeterra shorts have shown anything it’s that you’re only really getting by on dumb luck and determination.

BACKGROUND

LoL wiki says you’re a mercenary, but you tend to work alone (or sometimes with your partner Tobias) so Urban Bounty Hunter makes a lot more sense for finding the scum of Bilgewater. Insight is nice but I’d also grab Intimidation instead of Persuasion or Deception, because you don’t play nice. You also get some tool proficiencies: I’m sure your partner taught you how to play with Cards and Dice, if only to cheat you out of your money.

But what we’re mainly here for is the Ear to the Ground feature, letting you keep in contact with Bilgewater’s underbelly to know who needs a blasting. These connections can get you a contact for bounty work anywhere you may go.

(Artwork by Kelly Aleshire. Made for Riot Games.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - FIGHTER 1

If Fighter is the fastest way to learn how to shoot a gun then you must fight! Fighters get two proficiencies from the Fighter list: Athletics and Acrobatics will help you with all that “jungling” stuff.

You also get a Fighting Style and you may be surprised to hear but we’re going for Archery to shoot your gun better, and you also get Second Wind for some refillable potions.

Honestly the most interesting thing to talk about with Fighter levels is what you’re going to grab for a weapon. If you’ve got an Artificer who can give you a cool (Heavy) Crossbow then feel free to grab that, but for the most part we’ll be using Hand Crossbows to recreate the range limitations of Graves’ shotgun.

LEVEL 2 - FIGHTER 2

You’ve got two barrels on your gun so you should shoot both of them in a round thanks to Action Surge. Get another action on your turn! Yup that’s all she wrote chief.

LEVEL 3 - FIGHTER 3

Third level Fighters get to choose their Martial Archetype and Graves is simple, boring, but effective. Feel free to take something more fun (or just use the Dark Tides of Bilgewater Renegade subclass tbh) but it’s about time I crack out the good ol’ Champion Fighter! Buy a Collector for an Improved Critical range of either 19 or 20! That’s 10% crit chance! But any ADC main will tell you that 10% crit still isn’t much crit.

LEVEL 4 - FIGHTER 4

4th level Fighters get our first Ability Score Improvement but being able to shoot good is more important. Grab Crossbow Expert to shoot in melee, reload quickly in a fight, and shoot with your Bonus Action after shooting!

LEVEL 5 - FIGHTER 5

5th level Fighters get an Extra Attack to Blam and then Blam again. These two Blams are separate from your Crossbow Expert Blam which is also separate from Action Surge, allowing you to Blam another two times meaning by level 5 you can already Blam up to 5 times in one round!

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 6 - SORCERER 1

What? Did you really think that we wouldn’t have any spellcaster levels? Sorry to say it but there’s no easy way for a martial character to shoot out a smoke cloud or Wave Dash enough to survive a sniper rifle shot in the head.

We’ll be going for the Clockwork Soul since your gun is certainly mechanical in nature, and it’s certainly the soul of your character. As a Clockwork Sorcerer you can use your reaction to Restore Balance and negate either Advantage or Disadvantage a number of times equal to your proficiency bonus, regaining all expended uses at the end of a Long Rest. I’d flavor this more as your skill from years in the business letting you steady your aim or dodge out of the way of a foe who thinks they have the upper hand.

You know what helps with getting the upper hand? Spellcasting, especially with extra spells from Clockwork Magic. The extra spells you can get can be from the Abjuration or Transmutation schools, and can be from the Wizard, Warlock, or Sorcerer spell list. This means you can grab Shield for some Grit AC, and Absorb Elements for some Magic Resistance as well. You also get 4 cantrips and 2 more leveled spells:

CANTRIPS

Mind Sliver will serve as your Challenging Smite, weakening enemies and damaging them.

Message will help you keep in team chat with TF.

Prestidigitation will let you do all sorts of minor tricks with your bullets and gas canisters.

Mending will help you fix up your outfit after getting in scuff.

SPELLS

Fog Cloud will serve as your Smoke Screen, obviously.

To shoot out some Galeforce projectiles, grab Magic Missile to execute! (Note: Magic Missile will not actually execute.)

LEVEL 7 - WARLOCK 1

I COULDN’T HELP IT I’M SORRY. Warlock levels give us an easy way to have spells ready with just a short rest. First level Warlocks can choose their Patron at level 1 and for a bit more lethality take the Genie Patron. You can choose your Genie Kind and a Djinni will give a couple of benefits: for one your Genie’s Vessel will let you do Thunder damage equal to your Proficiency bonus once per turn thanks to Genie’s Wrath. You also have Bottled Respite for a safe place to rest and store the two guns and three knives you are expected to stick onto your gun.

You also get Pact Magic which is like regular spell slots but they come back after a Short Rest. Thunderwave is a good way to give yourself some space with shotgun knockback, and is on your Warlock spell list since you took the Djinni patron! And Hex is just good to Smite a foe to do more damage to them.

LEVEL 8 - WARLOCK 2

Second level Warlocks get their second Pact Magic slot, which is the main reason we need at least 2 levels in Warlock. But you also get Eldritch Invocations: Devil’s Sight will let you see through the dark with your dumb human eyes. And to play dress up Mask of Many Faces will let you put on some skins!

You can also learn another first level spell from the Warlock list: honestly there isn’t much I want, so I guess you can grab Armor of Agathys for some Thornmail.

(Artwork by Bo “chenbowow” Chen. Made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 9 - FIGHTER 6

Back to Fighterman, take me by the hand for Ability Scores and, +2 to Dexterity man.

LEVEL 10 - FIGHTER 7

7th level Champions are Remarkable Athletes, letting them add half their proficiency bonus to any STR, DEX, or CON check made which you aren’t already proficient in. Unfortunately you have proficiency in Athletics and Acrobatics but at least this buffs your Slight of Hand and Stealth. And since Initiative is a DEX check, this ability improves that too!

Oh and you can also increase the distance of a running long jump by a number of feet equal to your Strength modifier. A whole extra foot of jumping distance!

LEVEL 11 - FIGHTER 8

Hey more Ability Score Improvements! Cap off that Dexterity, and also put 1 in Charisma for later.

LEVEL 12 - FIGHTER 9

9th level Fighters get a QSS for Indomitable, rerolling a failed save to potentially succeed! Are you going to succeed any mental saving throws? Probably not, but you’ve got a good chance for Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution. And you can use this for Death Saves too!

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 13 - FIGHTER 10

10th level Champions get a whole Additional Fighting Style! Wowie! Take Defense for a bit more Grit in a teamfight.

LEVEL 14 - FIGHTER 11

11th level Fighters get an extra Extra Attack, letting them attack 3 times in a round. This means 4 attacks with Crossbow Expert and 7 if you Action Surge!

LEVEL 15 - FIGHTER 12

12th level Fighters get another Ability Score Improvement, and you know what’s better than one Flash? Two Flashes! Grab the Fey Touched Feat to increase your Charisma by 1, get another once-per-day use of the Misty Step spell, and also grab the Heroism spell for a bit more grit that you can cast with your first level slots.

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 16 - FIGHTER 13

13th level Fighters get another use of Indomitable. That’s two rerolls on any failed save! Wow I know basic math!

LEVEL 17 - FIGHTER 14

14th level means another Ability Score Improvement: more Charisma means better Definitely-Not-Spells. But feel free to get something like Sharpshooter or another more practical feat, as the only spells you really have which rely on Charisma are Mind Sliver and Thunderwave.

LEVEL 18 - FIGHTER 15

15th level Champions finally grab their Infinity Edge for a Superior Critical on an 18, 19, or 20! 15% crit chance!

LEVEL 19 - FIGHTER 16

16th level means another Ability Score Improvement: either cap off your Charisma or grab some better feats. Build flexibility is important. "Got any bright ideas?"

LEVEL 20 - FIGHTER 17

Our last level is the 17th level of Fighter for one more use of Indomitable (making it 3 uses total) as well as an extra use of Action Surge! You can’t Action Surge twice in the same turn but you can Action Surge two turns in a row to really put the DPS out!

FINAL BUILD

PROS

I like my enemies two ways: dead, or about to be - Your shots are as reliable as they are deadly. 4 shots per turn thanks to Crossbow Expert’s Bonus Action, all of which have a whopping +13 to hit! Not to mention Genie’s Wrath giving you a flat +6 damage every turn and Superior Critical allowing you to crit 15% of the time.

Let's settle the score - A little bit of magic never hurt anyone. A few Misty Steps and a few more Shields can keep you out of danger, and spells like Hex can let you up your DPS. Even Fog Cloud (while admittedly situational) can still give you cover for either an attack or an escape.

Easy, partner - All that magic along with Fighter abilities and Fighter hit die means that you’re sturdier than most, with plenty of ways to shrug off attacks or boost yourself up after getting hit.

CONS

Who's in the dark now? - Making a specific point of dumping both Intelligence and Wisdom leaves you very lacking in social encounters. It also means that you’ll have a lot of trouble with spells. Even Hold Person can really hinder you.

Everyone's a hero... till you shoot off a leg or two - Champion isn’t exactly the most exciting class and this is well-known, but unfortunately Graves isn’t exactly the most exciting champion. Trust me I’d love to make him a Battle Master, Arcane Archer, Samurai, or Renegade (Dark Tides of Bilgewater.) But Graves is a big man with big crits and not much else.

Go ahead; I like moving targets - One more level in Warlock would’ve given you Misty Steps that come back after a Short Rest, as well as the Darkness spell which is arguably stronger than Fog Cloud. It would’ve also given you your Pact Boon, all of which are very strong. Honestly while the 17th level of Fighter is stronger if you know that you aren’t going to get to level 20 I’d definitely recommend a third Warlock level for the reasons I just said.

But of course anyone can win if they can just wave their hands around to send giant flaming rocks out of the sky. You prove that all you need to win a fight is a big gun, good aim, and a whole lotta grit. Put one between their eyes and a hundred more into their chest, and don’t mind any potential Collateral Damage. Just watch out for traps and stay clear of Yordles; wouldn’t want to be featured in another animated short.

(Artwork by Xu “Crow God” Cheng. Made for Riot Games.)