#which you pretty much never saw on TV what with makeup and lighting and etc

[good-to-drive]

In case anyone else is interested, Conan O'Brien as seen in The Critic vs The Simpsons c. 1994

[3liza]

talking about flters and real beauty vs fake beauty and cultural standards etc always makes me think about all the victorian and edwardian novels i read, where the things that people thought about beauty were recorded at length. recently ive been reading a lot of Thomas Hardy (best known for Tess of the D’Urbervilles and Jude the Obscure) and there’s so much discussion of the beauty of people, particularly love interests, both men and women. and these writers, and their eras, and the culture of the eras, was of course obsessed with beauty and youth and also artificial beauty (being the eras of the really transformative corsets, not to mention some of the earliest industrialized or modernized beauty products or processes), as all human societies are to a greater or lesser extent in their own ways, but the thing that sticks out to me in reading these books is how beauty is not the singular or even the most important aspect of a person’s overall attraction. if someone has a beautiful face or figure, it is mentioned, but never to the obsessive, fixated extent that physical beauty is isolated from and elevated over all other features in modern american/western culture. there are plenty of protagonists or love interests in these books who are described as not young, or not remarkable, or not pretty, or even ugly or frightening, but nevertheless compellingly sexy and attractive, or simply interesting, or worthy in some way. 

its weird that the cultural consciousness has become seemingly ignorant of non-physical attraction. like that anon that was in my inbox talking about how they were “normal looking’ and therefore “needed” filters in order to “compete” with attractive people. it’s a weirdly mercenary and capitalist view of the social economy, first of all, which absolutely is not zero-sum no matter how badly the social networks want to convince us that it is. but there was never a single mention from that person about their ability to charm or entertain or attract using anything except a fake photo of themselves. wild. im fuckin worried about them! im worried about every young person how has brain worms

when i was about 4 and starting to become aware of how much adults were obsessed with my appearance because i was dainty and blonde and could do a passable shirley temple imitation, my parents gave me a very serious lecture about what physical beauty actually meant: i didn’t work for it (yet, i mean i do a lot of work now as an adult), it was given to me genetically. and someday, maybe sooner or more suddenly than anyone could predict, it would be gone. if accident, illness, or hardship didnt get me, old age eventually would. so with that being a certainty, i had better build a life and a personality on something other than my looks. and i said, ok. every day i get older im more grateful for that advice and the fact i decided to take it to heart instead of trying to gamble on Being Hot for long enough to get job security. which is also a valid career choice but it’s a risky one. always better to have a fallback just in case.

im of an age rn where a lot of women in my peer group are starting to get a very hunted vibe about the impending end of their youth, which is valid. theres nothing foolish about it, its not their fault, theyre not stupid or somehow lacking because this is an issue in their lives. but im noticing that i am significantly less freaked out by, idk, how long ago the 90s were or whatever, because i have been expecting to get old since i was in kindergarten. and i had adults around me who were just like “hey this is what old people look like and what bodies do over time. its not a big deal. everything on tv is fake btw”. i didnt get out unscathed, ive had eating disorders and all sort of weird brain-body problems. 

my advice i guess if i have any is to go outside and really look around you. notice how almost every single woman, and most men, has at least some cellulite, even if its just when theyre sitting down or whatever. notice how everyone has blemishes and zits. most people have some dandruff. if someone is wearing makeup, it’ll be cakey or balled up or smeared or uneven or clumpy even if it’s just a bit. everyone over the age of about 20 will have stretch marks somewhere, even if they aren’t visible except in certain light. i was under the impression i didnt have many until one time seeing a picture of my butt in FULL natural light and finally saw the entire surface of both cheeks was covered in straitions, they just were hard to see most of the time because im the color of drywall and scars tend to be light. it’s really easy to spot hair extensions and wigs and fake nails and fake tans and shapewear once you figure out how to see it. and none of these things take away from someone’s character. 

there’s a strong argument to be made that when corsetry was the norm, no woman was expected to simply be the shape of the corset unless she was actually wearing it. photographs and drawings of women in the 19th and early 20th century were retouched a bit as all photos have been, yes, but they were not retouched to make naked women appear to be corset-shaped. THAT is new. people are now getting surgery to be corset-shaped. and like, i dont think anyone should not be able to look however they want if they want to have that surgery. that is one meaning of cyborg feminism, probably. what i dont want, is for anyone to ever think that’s a normal way to look (except for veryvery tiny mathematical outliers, the Barbie Hips Georg of instagram) WITHOUT surgery or shapewear. which i see a lot now. i saw an instagram fashion designer with a very obviously surgically-altered body answer a question in her inbox about how she maintained her figure with some nonsense about diet and exercise. so now some (probably young) person out there is thinking that if they just do intermittent fasting enough, theyll look like a woman with butt and boob implants, a BBL, fillers, etc. that person probably thinks that if they arent able to diet and exercise good enough, they will fail at looking that way through their own laziness and lack of work ethic or whatever. i see that mindset constantly, especially in young women.

the surgery isnt the issue. the look itself isnt the issue. the filters themselves arent the issue. the issue is that on none of these images, is there an indication of what has been changed or how. the brain damage effect of filters would be lessened, i think, if everyone KNEW which images had been altered and how. so maybe thats the answer? mandatory labeling? i dont know. what’s terrifying is that the average adult human in america cant tell from a glance what has been altered in a photograph, no matter how clumsily, because they simply dont have a template for what a real human looks like anymore. the false images have supplanted the real images, the actual memories of alive humans that you know and have met or lived with. 

if you go into any of the shittier men’s spaces online you will find threads for posting pictures of “beautiful girls”, and it is page after page after page of teenagers in full makeup, hair extensions or wigs, circle lenses, facetuned, bodytuned, surgery, etc, and then hundreds of men yearning and fanning themselves over her “natural beauty”. dont go looking for this stuff, it will permanently fuck you up to know what a basic guy on the bus is thinking about women every day. dont do it

but i also seriously predict a backlash into “natural” looks after this current madness, similarly to how the 1960s saw the rise of the hippie girl with swingin titties, pit hair and no high heels after the consumer beauty madness of the 50s. of course the 60s beauty ideals were in some ways just as fake, but there was some authentic yearning towards a freedom from capitalist bodies as well. so when that happens send me $20: paypal.me/3liza. should be in like the next 4 years or so. thanks

[interact-if]

Umm hi 👉👈 I realized that most of the asks you guys get are about games and rec lists. You guys deserve so much recognition for the work you put in this blog, so I wanted to ask if I can do a little get-to-know-the-mods thing? If that's okay!

1. Besides writing, what are your hobbies?

2. Do you have a niche interest right now?

3. Any fave songs/artists/bands?

4. Any fave movies/tv shows?

5. On a scale of 1-10, how likely would you survive in your wip's world?

You can totally ignore this if you guys want, no pressure. Anyway, much love to all the interact-if mods! You guys are incredible! ❤

We saw this ask and we went 👀 👀 👀 so we’re happy to answer! Thank you so much for the fun ask!

 We also rated our survivability in all of our collective games, since Mars isn't an author! Fun stuff! Spoilers, though: it’s really not looking so great for me (Dani) but that’s fine!!!  😌

1. I’m a photographer as well as a graphic artist (but not like. A painter/drawer kind of artist!) and, on a general level, a maker and a tinkerer!

2. Fountain pens! I only write with ink, and only with fountain pens, and I use bottled inks/converters!

3. I’m pretty eclectic with music, but my top genres are alt rock, indie, indie pop, etc, as well as top 40s and some rap.

4. I feel like this is the hardest one for me to answer? Favorite movies/shows? Avatar: the Last Airbender has been a favorite show of mine since I was a little kid, but I have a harder time thinking of shows I would call a favorite in recent years. There are shows I’ve liked, and a lot of shows I’ve watched. But I’m picky! And demanding! It takes a lot to earn a place in Dani’s Trophy Case of Favorites. 😌 I would say I quite liked A Quite Place (movie), and I liked Us (movie). When it comes to TV shows, I have a hard time being pleased with them if they don’t end well. As a result, I have a penchant for a good limited series/miniseries (because they’re stories that have an end in mind and the plot reflects that, dagnabbit).

5. Heh. Okay.

In The Goodfellows? I think I stand I chance. I can exercise my sparkling wit and lovable personality to the best effect. I’m gonna give myself an 8/10 survivability rating. Even if I don’t have the right skills, I can go crying to the person who does and they’ll save me. Maybe.

In Creatures’ Cradle? I’m super $**!%d. 😌 1/10 survivability rating. And that 1 is me being nice to myself. The day the apocalypse breaks out I would probably be patient 0. I am self-aware. I would not do well in an apocalypse. Zombies care not for aforementioned sparkling wit and lovable personality, and I have all the muscle of a boiled spaghetti noodle. So it’s a no go.

Greater Than Gods (Cruz): Well. I’m going to be optimistic. And say that I have the wisdom not to do things I shouldn’t do and not to rock boats I shouldn’t rock. I’m going to give myself a 7/10 based on insider information, but also based on reckless optimism!

Vardir (Cruz): Cruz says this is a lighthearted game, so 10/10 LOL.

When it Hungers (Roast): I’m giving myself a nice, mediocre 5/10. I think I could put my mind to work here; I joke that I’m the village idiot, but I’m actually pretty smart! Unfortunately, I’m also curious, and maybe a little bad with authorities who won’t answer my questions. So I knocked off a lot of points due to the fact that I’d probably poke the metaphorical bear. So it’s a real coin flip as to whether I’d really make it or not.

Orthall Bay (Nines): Considering the genre is “horror” and the game intro includes the words “monster” and “maim,” I’m giving myself a whooping, enthusiastic 3/10. Yes, folks, I am that confident in myself! Once again, I can’t charm the socks off a monster (or can I?), so one of my greatest weapons is snatched from beneath my feet. Alas!

1. Beloved I’m a college student in the middle of a pandemic... i can hardly even write LOL i do draw at times which u can see in my personal blog (nothing too good really) and i used to do karate before things went to shit <3

2. Nothing niche I believe? All I do is leave Netflix as bg noise every day n play popular videgames (genshin)

3. Porter Robinson <3 I love Bea Miller a lot as well but lately I’ve been feeling Porter a lot

4. The Good Place <3

5. My WIPs:

Greater than Gods: Highly situational, the world GtG is set in is as broad as the real world LOL so I don’t have an universal answer. But keeping it vague, and knowing my own personality, I feel like 5/10. depends on my luck.

Vardir: 10/10 no one dies in Vikgade, unless you’re a hunter but I wouldn’t be a hunter <3

Others’ WIPs

I'm gonna give myself a solid 5/10 in all other WIPs because y'all aren't writing lighthearted stories either. I feel like as long as I avoid the role of the MC I will be mostly fine. I hope. But as Dani said I'm also prone to fight the wrong person and dig my own grave so 😌

1. Well, writing is a very, very, very, distant hobby since Words Hard, but I like to crochet and sculpt a little! Anything to do with fiddling with my hands and I’m good to go. And like, debatable but graphic design is my passion [insert clown emoji here since Tumblr said No]

2. Oh yeah a bunch! DnD yelling at people, thinking of arson, crocheting, rock climbing and simply vibing. I got into podcasts a few years ago and I’m always looking for more recs, so if you have some, hmu 😤

3. Pls,,,,my music taste is,,,so weird do not let me expose myself with lack of consistency but uhh. Current songs that are stuck in my head include; Cult of Dionysus , Achilles Come Down and The Last Shanty  

4. If you’ve ever spoken to me before, I probably yelled about Pacific Rim to you or at you. Plus I love all The Mummy films and really enjoyed Castlevania (s3 excluded, we do not perceive that) as well! 

5. Ah, mod survival simulator pt. 3

Alright, let’s go!  I don’t have a WIP because again, words hard, but like, considering how feral I am when not tryna seem professional hm... 

The Goodfellows: I wanna say a solid 7/10 because I’d hardcore vibe with the Traveler and probably instigate so much nonsense. I can also bribe with blueberry cake so maybe. 

Creature’s Cradle: maybe a 4/10 and only because of pure spite keeping me alive long enough to smack someone. I’ve prepared for hypothetical  zombie apolcapyses and I won’t hesitate to bap, but will be bapped back because I’m weak as hell. 

Greater Than Gods: a toss up between 2/10 and 7/10! I can vibe and be chill but I also have terrible impulse control so... 

Vardir: hm....I think pretty good survival rates all around? If you ask me to fight then like, okay sure, your knees are mine. So maybe a 8/10? 

When it Hungers: .......8/10 just because I’d refuse to die if I can be a cool creature. Living for the aesthetic can and will drag me outta hell. But I’m also clumsy as hell so I’d probably crash as a porcelain or hold a rooster and perish (aka, real rating is a good 3/10) 

Orthall Bay: 2/10, nope. Nope I’d be taken out in a heartbeat. Monsters can go pspsps and I’d head straight into the dark creepy forest like a fool if someone comes @ me. Half the time I’ll just assume it’s sfx makeup and vibe until it’s too late. 

god, never put me in a universe where I cannot squawk like a bird and throw pebbles from a window. Oof

Anon, you're so sweet! I give you a forehead smoomch <333 As for your questions...

1. If I'm not writing, I'm usually watching video essays on Youtube. My go-to channels as of right now is Disrupt and Aperture! I just really like their videos. Aside from that, I recently got into podcasts. Currently going through Hello From The Hallowoods and Shelter and Warning, which are made by queer creators!

2. Oh oof, there's quite a bit so I'm just gonna put down one thing. For some reason, I really got into collecting tiny astronaut things? I recently bought this astronaut desk light, and I've got a package coming in for the miniatures I ordered. No purpose for them other than I think they're neat <3

3. I'm a bit private with my music taste (even tho I have Spotify connected on Discord lmao), but there's 5 songs that I'm currently obsessed with. I keep replaying them over and over again. Just squeezing all the serotonin I could get outta them.

4. I can't really say I have a fave TV show or movie because I can't really just pick one, but my current fave is 9-1-1 and Resident Alien. 9-1-1 because I just really love the found-family dynamics and how the show tackles sensitive topics, and Resident Alien because it's lighthearted comedy. My all-time fave movie is Flipped! I have the book too and I like rereading from time to time <3

5. You're in for a doozy, anon, because we're rating each other's games <333

The Goodfellows: 7/10

Listen. Shenanigans with the Traveler. I would get up to so many of them and that is what'll get me possibly bodied, not the actual environment itself <3

Greater than Gods: 7/10

I like to think I have enough common sense to uhhh not recklessly flip stones that should not be flipped <3 I'm a cautious and skeptic person irl so I think I'll hold up well? Then again, it's a vast environment change and while I can adapt pretty quick, I wouldn't like the lack of control in the unknown.

Vardir: 10/10

Going off what Cruz said, Vardir is lighthearted and focused on personal growth so I think I'll be okay! Self-growth here I come, babey!

Creatures' Cradle: 8/10

Maybe I'm overestimating myself, but I think I'll be able to survive in a supernatural post-apocalyptic world! Ah, but it depends on the motivation though. I like the idea of rebuilding communities and eventually societies, but the survival turmoil would be a constant battle I'd have to overcome. If we're talking survival itself though, I think I'll do well.

When it Hungers: 8/10

That's probably my wishful thinking but I think I'll be fine. Maybe. Possibly. Don't like the idea of being regulated by an organization so if I was a non-human creature that could pose a problem but I can roll with it <3

Orthall Bay: 6/10

Assuming I'm not playing as MC, my chances of survival uhhh changes quite drastically. Not enough to guarantee an untimely demise, but certainly enough that it would constantly keep me on my toes. I think that's the safest answer I can get without spoiling anything lmao

Thank you so much for asking! It's super sweet of you <3

1. Too many :'D I knit, I sew, I do carpentry (well, learning), I bake, I'm hammering away at HTML and CSS, my job kind of encourages learning new things and I take that to picking up new hobbies!

2. My time is kind of consumed with school work and work work and WIP work so not a lot of time to pursue niche interests right now. I've been watching a lot of horror game playthroughs, true crime youtubers, and an adorable show on Netflix called the Repair Shop <3

3. My taste in music is "what am I vibing with atm?" I've been listening to a lot of 80's music atm (don't @ me), but also Lo Fang and Kaleo, and whatever spotify recommends me on my discover weekly which is usually complete chaos.

4. I love the Mummy even though it hasn't aged 100% well (I'm a librarian, of course it's one of my gotos LOL), Legally Blonde, Leverage, Jumanji (the original), I'm....very bad at having recent tastes... and very bad at remembering my favorites when asked.

5.

The Goodfellows: I'm a creature of comfort, 5/10 if I can just luxuriate in town and not actually interact with the story sfjkdbsdkf

Creature’s Cradle: I'd like to think I have a 50/50 shot XD 5/10, I want to think I'd be decent at a zombie apocalypse but ultimately would suffer an early fate.

Greater Than Gods: 10/10 if I'm just vibing, less so if I'm involved in the actual story XD

Vardir: I'd still suffer without technology but I can also knit for a living in this world so I'm down 8/10

When it Hungers: I feel like I could vibe here, there's tech if dated, hot showers, telephones are around by now... might still get bored. 7/10 though it'd be cool to be another creature....I should make a 'what creature of snv are you' quiz!

Orthall Bay: 7/10 idk I feel like after the first monster of the week I'd just skip town XDDDD I'm the worst protagonist, I see danger I just leave.

[heavcnslyre]

ricky bowen x reader series! part ten

— starstruck au!

series masterlist, part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight, part nine, part ten

second series

IN WHICH you go to your school dance back in new york but somehow you’re still not rid of the one and only, ricky bowen.

WARNINGS super cheesy

NOTES the whole song he sings is typed out and i apologize for that i usually hate when people do that but i guess it pertains to the story HAHA. more notes at the end of the chapter!

( tags: @hesvoid34 )

text dividers from @writeyourmindaway !!

lowercase intended.

“are you sure you want to wear that to the dance?” camilla asked you as you looked at yourself in the bathroom mirror. you sighed. if you were honest, you hated this dress. it was frilly and a weird tan color, but your mom gave it to you to wear when you refused to go shopping. it used to be hers, and you could tell it was old.

“i don’t have anything else.”

she paused, considering. “you can borrow one of mine.”

“really?” you asked, turning to face her. “you never let me borrow your clothes unless you get something in return.”

“hm. i don’t know,” she said. “i just want to make sure you have a good time.”

you looked at her with a soft expression on your face. “thank you. where’s the dress?”

she disappeared into her room for a second and came back out, holding a (y/f/c) dress. it went mid-thigh and was a loose, flowy style. you smiled.

“it’s beautiful.”

“it’s one of my favorites,” camilla handed you the dress. “be careful with it.”

“i will,” you paused. “thank you, cam.”

she hummed and looked at it for a minute. “(y/n), is it true? did you really meet ricky in california?”

you sighed and set the dress on the counter, turning to face your sister. “yeah. yeah, we hung out a few times. he... kissed me.”

“you’re kidding!” she said. “then why did he say you never met?”

“he was worried about his career, i guess. was scared that being seen with me would make him lose a job in a tv show. so he broke things off.”

camilla looked at you, anger in her eyes. “that asshole!”

you laughed weakly. “yeah, thank you. you can still like his music and stuff i’m not... that bothered.”

“no. even if you aren’t bothered, i am. that’s awful. i’m really sorry,” she paused. “put the dress on then come to my room. i’ll do your hair.”

“okay.”

after about an hour, you were ready for the dance.

camilla did your hair pretty basically, with just giving it soft curls and pinning part of it back. she helped you do some basic makeup as well and you were actually excited for the dance for the first time. you slipped on a pair of flats and made your way downstairs.

“(y/n)!” your mom exclaimed as you approached her in the kitchen. “you look amazing!”

“thank you mom,” you said.

she insisted on a bunch of pictures in different places around the house as well as outside. you weren’t going to the dance with a guy or with any friends, so you took pictures by yourself or with camilla, which you didn’t mind. you send a picture of you to ashlyn, and she sent you an array of heart emojis. you laughed and slipped your phone into your dress pocket (another pro of this dress; it had pockets).

although you were excited for the dance, you were nervous. at this point, anyone you saw wanted to know about the ricky situation, and you didn’t want to talk about it. especially since now you were seen as a crazy fan who followed him around during your whole family vacation. you decided today though, you were going to ignore it.

as you were walking towards the entrance to your school, your phone started buzzing. you pulled it out and saw ashlyn was facetiming you.

“hey girl!” you said. she grinned through the phone.

“hey! you’re looking so good!” you laughed.

“wait, where are you?” you asked, noticing that ashlyn’s background didn’t look like her house. she grinned.

“keep walking.”

you raised your eyebrows and walked faster into the school. you opened the door and were met with ashlyn standing inside, grinning at you. she ended the facetime and you rushed forward to hug her.

“ashlyn! what are you doing here?!” you asked excitedly. she laughed and hugged you back tightly.

“i still have a couple days before i’m back at school, and i figured you’d want someone to dance with, right?”

“absolutely!” you exclaimed. “i’m so happy you’re here.”

“me too,” she said. she glanced at her phone quickly. “now c’mon! i’ve been waiting a while and the dj has played some good songs.”

you laughed and she pulled you into the school gym. there were a ton of people in there, dancing, laughing, talking, etc. chaperones were standing around awkwardly, watching the kids uncomfortably. ashlyn pulled you directly into the middle of the dance floor and wasted no time starting to dance. she was always more outgoing when it came to potentially embarrassing yourself in front of people. usually you held back a bit, but tonight, you didn’t give a shit about what people thought about you, and you danced your heart out with your cousin.

a few songs later, the dj walked away from his booth and the lights dimmed. people whispered in confusion but everyone gasped as someone walked onto the stage. you stood on your toes to try to figure out who it was, only to be met by ricky standing there, looking in the crowd.

“(y/n) (y/l/n)?” he said into the microphone. everyone cleared a path and ashlyn pushed you into the middle of it. your eyes met ricky’s and he beamed at you. “hi. i guess there’s a few things i forgot to say in california.”

the music started, and a song you didn’t recognize began to play. ricky kept his eyes on you as he began to sing.

common sense tells me kiss the girl goodbye

common sense tells me leave it all behind

common sense says the girl's not worth my time

but common sense ain't common when you come to mind

the song was slow and ricky sung softly. you noticed how his facial expressions were similar to how they were when you saw him singing at his parents party. his expression was soft and he was focused— but this time he was focused on more than just the music; he was focused on you.

common sense told me she was not worthwhile

common sense said don't go the extra mile

common sense said go back and reconcile

but common sense forgot about her smile

ricky seemed to suddenly be shy as he looked down at his feet and sang. you didn’t take your eyes off him.

second chances are thought of to be weak

second chances in volumes do they speak

second chances aren't given usually

but a second chance is all i really need

he looked back in your eyes and sang almost like he was silently begging during the verse. he stepped off of the stage and slowly started walking towards you.

i think i love you

i want to love you

please let me love you

i wish to show you how to love

he approached you and grabbed your hand with his free one. your heart was racing and you considered pulling away from him, but you couldn’t bring yourself to.

common sense tells me kiss the girl goodbye

common sense tells me leave it all behind

common sense says the girl's not worth my time

but common sense ain't common when you come to mind

no, common sense ain't common when you come to mind

the song ended and big red slipped past and grabbed the microphone from ricky, sending you a quick smile. you stood there, not looking away from ricky. he didn’t look away from you either.

“hey,” he said softly.

“hi.”

“i... i wrote you that song. i wanted to apologize for what i did i was— such an idiot.”

you didn’t respond and his face dropped a bit. “i quit the tv show.”

“you did?” you asked. he nodded.

“you were right. it wasn’t worth it, i don’t want that. i... i want you.”

your eyes widened and the corners of his mouth lifted up slightly. you swallowed hesitantly.

“ricky,” you said. “i want to believe you. you have no idea how much i want to believe you it’s just... how am i to know that this won’t happen again? that your career won’t come first?”

he looked at you, his expression soft. “(y/n), i haven’t stopped thinking about you since the second we met. and... i haven’t stopped kicking myself about how i acted at the beach. i’m telling you— right here—” he motions to the full gym of students watching you. “in front of everyone, that you’re all that matters to me. and i will do nothing but show you that if you just let me.”

you grinned and shook your head. “you are the cheesiest person i have ever met.”

ricky’s grin matched yours. “yeah well, is that all that bad?”

you laughed and before you said anything, he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you to him, then he pressed your lips together. you smiled into the kiss and wrapped your arms around his neck. the people in the gym cheered (which— if you were being honest— made you uncomfortable, but you didn’t care. all that mattered in that moment was ricky. he was all you could focus on).

when you pulled apart the music started again and everyones attention went away from you and ricky as they started to dance. ricky rested his forehead against yours similarly to how he did the day at the beach. you grinned at each other before he pulled away and held his hand out to you.

“may i have this dance, m’lady?” he asked in a fake, proper voice. you giggled and slipped your hand into his.

“oh of course, good sir,” you wrapped your arms around his neck and he placed his hands on your waist and you swayed to the music.

“so, after this, wanna go find a diner? eat somewhere and talk?”

you nodded. “first date at a trashy diner? sign me up.”

he laughed. “wouldn’t you consider this our second date? that day at the pier was pretty fun.”

“sure it was, until you ruined it,” you teased and he laughed, looking up.

“oh, i will never forgive myself for that day.”

“good thing i will forgive you.”

you left the dance with ashlyn and big red and the four of you headed to a random 24 hour diner down the street from your school. but, you sat at seperate tables, which gave you and ricky a chance to catch up, for real this time.

“so,” you said as you stole a fry from ricky’s plate. “how’d you plan this whole thing out?”

“ashlyn and big red helped me. i knew i had to come make things right and i wanted to surprise you at the dance, but it was ashlyn’s idea for me to write the song.”

“beautiful song,” you commented and he laughed affectionately.

“thank you. wrote it about this girl i really like,” he said seriously, his eyes searching your face for a reaction. you grinned.

“oh yeah?” you asked and he nodded. “well that’s convenient, because a guy i really like sang it for me.”

you grinned at each other for a few moments before you spoke up again. “so how long are you in town for?”

“few weeks. that is, if you want me here.”

“of course i want you here,” you laughed.

“i guess it’s a matter of what happens when i leave, huh,” ricky said, looking down at his plate. you frowned.

“yeah. can i trust that you won’t find another girl to cheat on me with back in california?” he looked up at you, an amused look on his face.

“cheat on you? wouldn’t we have to be officially dating for me to cheat on you?” you rolled your eyes and rested your head on your hand.

“are you really going to make me ask you?”

ricky chucked and wiped his hands off on a napkin, before grabbing your hand across the table. “(y/n) (y/l/n).”

“yees?” you asked innocently.

“will you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?”

you laughed. “i thought you’d never ask.”

he leaned across the table and kissed you quickly. when you pulled back, you rubbed your thumb on his cheek.

“hm. since you’re in town and we’re officially dating, guess it’s time for you to meet my family, huh?”

FINAL NOTES: this is the end of this series??!??!! already?!??!!?! thank you SO MUCH for reading and i can assure you that this is NOT the end of this story. look out for a second series following this one very very soon!!!!!! i love u all thank you for all the support

[peach-jaehyunie]

A Gentleman Caller

|m.list|

Pairing: Jung Jaehyun x Fem. Reader

Rating: 18+, explicit Words: 3.3k

Warnings: Swearing, smut {fingering, oral (m.receiving), spanking, pearl necklace, etc.}

Inspired by Jaehyun’s GQ photoshoot

The dog's claws click on the pavement as you walk her. A spring breeze still carries a little nip, and you pull your sleeves down to shield your hands as a numbness settles on the tips of your ears. Green buds are sprouting on the trees in the park, great big fat buds on a row of magnolia trees threaten to break open into bloom any day now. Though past dinner, there still is plenty of daylight left. You cross a bustling street, Hera slowly trots next to you her dog tag tinkling.

You take your shoes off after stepping into your shared apartment. Hera sits and waits for you to take her leash and collar off, which you hang up in a little closet by the front door. In another hidden closet you hang your coat and place your shoes, before walking into the kitchen for a glass of water. Sitting down at your work desk, an unfinished manuscript lays open almost taunting you to try and write one paragraph more. You gently close the manuscript, setting it away on the small shelf above the desk. You check your phone as you pour yourself another glass of water in the kitchen; your boyfriend still hasn’t texted you. The late evening sun is shining directly into the bedroom and you open the sliding screens that separate the bedroom from the living room, letting the sun bathe the entire apartment.

Half an hour later you are reclining in the bathtub when Jaehyun finally gets in touch with you.

<<I won’t be home for a couple more hours, we started shooting late>>

Sipping from your glass of wine, you read his text with a sigh. This is becoming a frequent occurrence, work keeping either one of you away for too long. You are happy that this photoshoot is in the city and he hasn’t had to fly to another city or country for it. Multiple times Jaehyun has said that you can come to the shoot and watch, but the mood has to strike you right to go—you usually hate standing around for hours while everyone else is working.

<<okay, see you when you get home>>

You put on a sheet mask and soak in the tub until the water grows tepid. Your cellphone dings twice alerting you of two new photos. Jaehyun sits on the floor in all black, his expression is careless and the chain around his neck sends heat to your core. Lying on the bed in your robe, you grin as text him back:

<<his girlfriend is so lucky to have him in her bed every night>>

Hopping off your bed, you let the robe fall into a pile on the floor before slipping into your silk short pajama bottoms. Your phone dings again, and you fall into your bed half-naked to see how Jaehyun has replied.

<<I heard that his girlfriend is an absolute minx and pretty freaky in bed, so I’d say he’s pretty lucky>>

Professionalism be damned. Jaehyun still being at work be damned. So what if the hairstylist saw your text, or the makeup person, or whoever.

<<bet they’ll fuck when he gets home>>

He must have been waiting for your response because he texts back immediately.

<<I mean I would if I were them>>

With a laugh, you roll over in bed staring at the ceiling your limbs star-fishing as you think with delight of what awaits when Jaehyun returns. Glancing at the time, you’re perturbed that you still must wait at least an hour for him. Getting up you slip into the camisole top to match your shorts, you glance in the mirror while tousling your hair and pulling a thin strap of your top down your shoulder provocatively. It’s too early for that, you pull the strap back up, dimming the bedroom lights as you pull the screens closed in their usual nighttime placement. Removing the small gold hoops from your ears and switching them with a delicate pair of pearl studs, before rubbing lotion over the soft skin of your legs.

Very little time has passed during your preparations, and it doesn’t feel like one of those nights where you want Jaehyun to walk in on you waiting for him. Taking your unfinished glass of wine out to the couch, you sit and turn on the projector to watch a short tv show. Goose skin begins to prickle your arms and legs now that the sun’s warmth is long gone and you tuck in a fuzzy throw around yourself.

He doesn’t send a text saying that he’ll be home soon or that he’s on his way, but finally, the door to the apartment opens and Hera runs to greet Jaehyun before he can so much as take his coat off. You watch their affectionate reunion with a smile from your spot on the couch.

“Hey,” Jaehyun says as he leans over the couch, his mouth cutting off any attempt of a reply from you with his lips. The kiss is deep and you’re thankful that you’re already sitting because you feel a slight weakness in your legs. As your lips part and Jaehyun straightens up he presents a white paper bag to you with an innocent smile.

“I still have makeup and shit on me, so I’ll be right back—don’t eat them all.”

With a grin you accept the gift with both hands, eagerly looking into the bag to find a box of chocolate-covered strawberries. They are just as you like them; fresh, the chocolate soft and the berries perfectly ripe and at room temperature, so their fragrance fills the air.

When Jaehyun joins you on the couch his face is fresh and bare, his hairline damp, and you openly admire his bare upper body as he reaches for a strawberry. He settles down next to you, pulling you and the blanket onto his lap as he watches the tv show with you. Resting your head on his shoulder and letting yourself relax against his firm body, you pretend to watch the tv show while the taste of rich chocolate and sweet berries coats your tongue. Jaehyun places a few kisses along your shoulder: they start off chaste, nothing more than a few pecks between strawberries. As his kisses move along your shoulder to the crook of your neck his lips remain longer, brushing and lightly sucking on your skin with parted lips. His eyes never leave the tv show, but your head falls further back against his shoulder as you close your eyes with a contented sigh. Jaehyun sucks below your earlobe before licking a strip down your neck and sinking his teeth into your shoulder, causing your body to tense against his. Tenderly kissing your temple, he returns to watching the show. In a few minutes, his hands wander beneath the blanket; fingertips deftly brushing your bare skin and playing your body as only he knows how. He slips his hand beneath your cami, his palm grazing one of your hardened nipples before rubbing small circles on the areola and finally pinching the sensitive bud between two of his digits. With his other hand, he redirects your head to watch the show with him. You don’t let your head fall back again, but your breathing becomes sharper as your body warms and pleasure begins to tingle in your sensitive parts. His hand cups, massages, pinches, fondles and pulls at both of your flushed breasts equally. Biting your lower lip you hold back soft moans that threaten to escape, and noticing this, Jaehyun offers his chocolatey fingers for you to suck. You diligently clean them, licking between his fingers where there isn’t even any chocolate to sucking them as he gently thrusts three in your mouth at a time. Once he feels that you have sufficiently cleaned them off, his hand disappears below the blanket where you feel it slipping into the front of your shorts. His legs coax yours further apart until you are sat in his lap with your legs spread open. The first couple strokes from your wet sex to your clit are slow and teasing, just barely giving you what you want as your spine curves forward in pleasure. You are barely able to keep your eyes open as he rubs circles on the sensitive nubs of your upper and lower halves. Eyelids drooping and your mouth falling open with a gasp—

“Feed me a strawberry,” Jaehyun instructs you as both of his hands continue their ministrations. While you’re leaning forward to grab a berry, Jaehyun uses the opportunity of his palm pressed harshly against your pubic bone and clit to slip a finger into you. As you lean back up his finger retreats to spread your essence further upwards to your throbbing bud. Eating the strawberry from your hand, Jaehyun twists your nipple enough to almost make you yelp before thrusting two fingers into your dripping pussy. Your cry can only turn gasp of ecstasy as his fingers rather expertly fuck you, despite that their owner seems more interested in snacking and watching tv.

“Shh, my darling, we won’t be able to hear what they’re saying.” He admonishes, placing gentle kisses on your cheek and in your hair while his fingers move even faster beneath the blanket.

Your mouth is left to hang open with silent gasps, moans being replaced with uneven breaths as you can feel an orgasm building in your belly. You can feel him lazily watching you from the corner of his eye, choosing when and how to destroy you completely. His thumb moves to rub tiny circles on your clit, pushing you further towards the edge. Grasping the blanket in one fist you squeeze it as your body prepares for the orgasm to course through you—

“Can I have another strawberry, please,” his voice is nonchalant, and you must force your eyes open as you lean for another chocolate-covered berry.

You bite down hard on your lip as the angle pushes you over the edge and hot waves pleasure surge through your body starting from your core and going down your limbs. Bringing the strawberry to his lips you lean against him, your head falling back onto his shoulder as the tide of ecstasy gradually subsides. As you try to regulate your breathing again you only now notice his erection that presses against your bottom. It must be uncomfortable; obstructed by his pants and sat on, but now that Jaehyun has removed his hands from beneath your clothes you can do something for him.

Sliding down his lap you push the coffee table further away (but not before Jaehyun can snatch the box with the remaining strawberries), lithely twisting in his lap before settling on the floor. His eyes don’t leave the tv show as he helps you pull down his pants a little so that his cock can spring free. You lick his wet tip, lightly pumping him before taking him far into your mouth. Licking up his shaft, you focus on teasing his tip in hopes of eliciting even a small sound of pleasure from him. Bobbing your head a few times before swirling your tongue over his slit is all it takes for Jaehyun to pant and bring his hand down to your hair. He tangles his fingers through your tresses, but never pulls; his hand caresses your back and your neck and shoulders. Sometimes his nails will leave a little crescent mark on your skin. Your mouth and hands continue their movements at an agonizingly slow pace, his cock is hot in your mouth and his pre-cum salty on your tongue. Moaning around him, his dick twitches and blunt nails dig into your shoulder only for you to take him even further down your throat pulling a moan from his mouth. You release him with a suck, pumping him neatly with your hands as you coldly chastised him.

“Jaehyun, I won’t be able to hear the show if you’re not quiet.”

You can tell he’s close from how his organ trembles against your tongue and you hum lightly to send vibrations up and down him. Picking up your pace, you decide to push him over his precipice in lieu of teasing him anymore. You’re jealous that he got see your face when you came, how you’d give anything to see his face now. His body tensed beneath you, but did he still watch the show cool and collected? Or did his eyes close and his mouth open in a silent gasp as his cum spills into your mouth onto the back of your tongue? You don’t release him until you have cleaned him of every last drop, and leaning against his toned abs you feel his body shudder with sensitivity. Taking the opportunity, you look up to his face; his head has fallen back against the pillows and his lips, cheeks, and ears are deeply flushed. Silently, you slip out of your shorts before climbing back into his lap. You sit on his knees as his head finally rolls forward and he takes the last strawberry, feeding it to you a tired smile.

“And here’s the last strawberry for the woman I love.”

The flavours in your mouth mix as salty and sweet, but finally the fruity flavour dominates. You lean forward to kiss his already swollen lips with your own. There is chocolate by the corner of his mouth that you lick off before both your tongues meet and intertwine. Your hands finally explore his body as he brings one of his down to your ass. He gasps upon finding you naked down there and while he is distracted you take his bottom lip between your teeth and gently pull. Bringing your body closer to his, he brings your thighs to set on either side of his hips. His lips part from yours to watch as you guide his hardening length into your hot folds before slowly sinking down on him. You raise and lower your hips at a snail's pace, biting his earlobe before his lips are searching again for yours. His thick cock stretches and fills you leaving you as breathless as his kisses.

“Mr. Jung, I want you to take me into that bedroom and spank me and fuck me like you promised.” You whispered against his lips. Jaehyun’s eyes searched your face and then he brought his mouth to your jaw and moved down your neck, sucking on your delicate skin before harshly squeezing your buttock.

“You’d better get in there on that bed, then.” He spoke low against your skin. Pulling away from him, you rise off of his cock not missing the grimace on Jaehyun’s face as you clench hard around him one last time before you’re gone and scampering to your room. You lay face down on the bed listening to his methodical movements as he comes to join you. He pulls the last screen closed, shutting you both in before throwing your shorts that he picked up across the room towards your wardrobe and finally pulling his own pants off to pool on the floor at his feet. Pressing his phone that sits on the bedside table, music softly fills the room. Jaehyun’s hands wrap around your ankles, dragging you down the mattress until only half of your body is bent forward on the bed and he brings his palms to your hips and ass. He kneads your flesh and bends over to place kisses on your spine before he brings his hand down in a sharp motion. Your buttcheek stings, but Jaehyun’s warm hand smooths over your skin rubbing the pain away spanking you again, harder. You whimper against the covers, squeezing your thighs together as each slap sends an electric current straight to your core. He soothes your tender skin before spanking your other cheek, making you cry out even louder as your pussy throbs.

“Do you want me to fuck you now, sweetie?” Jaehyun asks, still peppering your back with loving kisses.

You nod your head, finding your voice, “Yes,” and you pull yourself up onto to bed while Jaehyun’s strong hands turn you over to face him. His weight joins yours on the mattress, leaning over you while cupping your face in his hands as he kisses you. Throwing your leg over his you pull him closer, slipping the cami straps down your arms so that it falls to expose your breasts. He kisses down your neck and down the valley of your breasts before sucking and licking your rosy nipples. Jaehyun brings your other leg to wrap around His waist as he sinks slowly into your dripping heat. Unrestrained moans fall from your mouth as he rocks into you, his length hitting deeper with every thrust as your climax begins to build. Your vision is hazy as sparks start in your body and your pleasure seems like it will never reach its peak as it continues to build— And then it washes over you in waves, you can’t even make a sound as you bury your head into Jaehyun’s shoulder until your body feels numb against his and the overstimulation is too much for you to bear. Seeing this, Jaehyun whispered in your ear and you gladly acquiesced. He pulled out letting your tired legs drop to rest on the bed, straddling your torso his wet cock settled between your breasts. You used your hands to push the mounds together to hug his member as he slowly began to thrust against you. He is careful to not place a lot of weight on you, and you enjoy being able to watch the pleasure mount in his face. Every grimace and every groan; his breath catching in his throat as he fucked harder and a slew of curse words muttered under his breath. It was all for you to see. His eyes screwed shut and his face contorted before he bit down on his lip, saying to you between gasps:

“I’m gonna cum—ahh, fuck—is that okay?”

You nod before realizing that he can’t see you,

“Yes, baby, cum on me; give me a beautiful necklace to match my earrings.” You grin, finally feeling his hot essence on your skin, running over your clavicle and around your neck.

His cum paints your skin and drips down onto your hair and the sheets, Jaehyun’s motions subside and his eyes open but his brows remain furrowed. You have no doubt you had looked as fucked out as he looks now, only a few minutes before. Hair sticks to his face with sweat, his lips are dark, swollen and bitten. Brushing the hair back from your face with his hand and tucking it behind your ear, he kisses you.

“It really does match your earrings,” Jaehyun says with a laugh against your lips before brushing them against his own. He rests on the bed beside you, taking your hand intertwining his fingers with yours.

“Thanks for those photos,” you joke, squeezing his hand.

“What? You mean you wouldn’t have jumped me as soon as I got home if I hadn’t sent them?” His tone is lightly sarcastic, and he shifts to his side so he’s looking at you.

“I never jump you don’t be ridiculous,” you retort.

“Uh-huh, then what was that last week—“

“Okay, never was the wrong word choice; I rarely jump you, and I didn’t tonight either.” You defend with a laugh.

“Okay,” Jaehyun concedes as he kisses your temple, “I’ll accept that tonight was just average horny, then.”

“It was a bit above average,” You turn your head towards him, “Now since you got your cum all over me are you going to help me wash it off like a gentleman?”

“Of course, I didn’t get into Gentleman’s Quarterly for nothing.” He grinned.

[spooks-and-tea]

Entangled (Spencer Reid x femReader) [Ch.7]

Summary: You don’t know how it happened. One moment you were watching Criminal Minds, and the next moment you were literally in the show. Can Spencer be the key to helping you find your way back home?

Warnings: minor character death, mentions of su*cide, bad explanations of quantum mechanics, bad words, sexual situations, the usual criminal minds-type content

A/N: Today I googled if “thirst trap” was a noun. Do me a favor and read this one with your favorite Spencer Reid gif in mind. I’m excited to see what you all think about this one. 

Word Count: 6,174

Chapter 1.  Chapter 2.  Chapter 3.  Chapter 4. Chapter 5.  Chapter 6.  Chapter 7. Chapter 8.  Chapter 9.  Chapter 10.  Chapter 11.

************************************************************************

{smut warning for this chapter} —————————————————— 3 weeks later.

You were frustrated.

Frustrated because living with Spencer Reid was, for lack of a better term, a thirst trap. The show never even touched on this side of him, and you were sure he knew what he was doing.

For 3 weeks you shared his bed and at this point you both had decided that the left side was yours. You'd never found sharing a bed with someone as awkward, it's only awkward when one person acts like it is. Spencer left you sexually frustrated, without fail, every night; that, was awkward.

It started in the mornings when he woke you up with butterfly light kisses on your face, neck, and shoulders. He never went beyond that and if you moaned, it went ignored. You both would take turns showering. You would go first so you could have more time to do your makeup and hair. Spencer went second, and boy-oh-boy, it was a mistake to let that become a habit because he came out of that steamy hot bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist every. single. morning.; hair dripping wet.

You'd catch sight of him as you did your makeup, causing you to do stupid things like smearing your lipstick, drawing your eyeliner wing crooked, and poking your eye with the mascara wand. Sometimes you were doing your hair and burned yourself with a straightener, or snapped a hairband against your hand.

Spencer knew what he was doing, you saw his smirk every time he retreated to his bedroom to dress. You both alternated on who made breakfast, when you did, it was a difficult task. Spencer couldn't keep his hands to himself, holding his arms around your middle as you fried an egg, or as you toasted bread. He would only leave you to make the coffee. Mornings were when Spencer Reid was bold.

During the day, you would drive the both of you to work. He wasn't so obvious there, but somehow he knew the subtle things he did there that got your attention.

When researching, or doing paperwork at your desk, you often had to ask him for help. You weren't technically qualified to even work here. He never seemed to mind, actually he liked to help you. He would lean over your shoulder with both hands around you on the desk and point things out while dipping his head low; nearly whispering words in your ear. He knew his voice got to you. He watched you shudder.

Sometimes you got so worked up you would have to ask him to go over things again. At the roundtable meetings, he would turn to the writing board, explaining whatever about a case, and put his hands in his pockets. This sounds like his normal behavior, but when he did the pocket thing it made his pants a lot tighter and you struggled to keep your eyesight up. You swore he flexed when he did it too. Whenever the discussion would go above your level of education and you zoned out, your eyesight would lower, Spencer would turn around and ask you a question. You'd stammer out some words. Everyone would turn to look at you and away from him, which is when he would smirk mischievously at you.

Days were when Spencer Reid made you feel like working at the BAU wouldn't be so difficult.

At night, he would often order take-out. You both would wind down, sometimes with a movie, sometimes he would put a record on and teach you how to play chess, sometimes you both would sit on his couch as he talked and talked about any topic that he thought you would find interesting. You adored these nights because this is when you really had a chance to learn about Spencer Reid the person, not the character.

Sometimes he would show you an odd item he owned and go into a tangent about its history, it's history related to other history, etc. You could tell he loved it when you told him you could listen to him go on about any subject and never grow tired of it.

Knowing you had trouble sleeping, when you both retired to bed Spencer would hold you, kiss you, and read to you. He had this talent for making any story immersive with just his voice.

Nights were when Spencer Reid made you fall, impossibly, more in love with him.

And the cycle repeated. Yet, he never seemed interested in taking things further than making out on his couch.

Today, you hoped to get him back for the 3 weeks of teasing that was eventually going to leave you with a permanent blush. Of course when you say 'get him back' you don't mean you'll make him do anything he isn't ready for, you were just going to give him a little show. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

It was date night, and while you had been on a few of the basic dinner and movie dates, Spencer promised this one was going to be special and different. You weren't exactly prepared for how "different" it was going to be, but you got the picture when he blindfolded you in the car.

You wore a dress that was form fitting, short, and had a sweetheart neckline that showed off your shoulders and chest. You were pulling all the stops tonight, dark stockings and high heels included. You topped it all off with your favorite perfume.

You knew Spencer was awed as soon as you walked out of his bedroom, which you had forbidden him to enter as you got ready. You also knew he had a thing for your neck and shoulders, so the sweetheart neckline was a showstopper. You just hoped you hadn't overdressed for this surprise date. Spencer was in an outfit that was pretty much just his work clothes. You didn't think he owned much else, so you thought nothing of it.

You got out of the car and he led you through a door. You were inside of a building now, you knew because the air warmed up and your heels echoed. The place was empty and, otherwise, dead silent. You heard Spencer press a button, followed by the familiar sounds of an elevator. "Where are you taking me?" You laughed. You loved surprises and Spencer had seemed pretty excited about this one.

"You'll know in 60 seconds." He answered, helping you get inside the elevator. As you stood, waiting, he wrapped his arm around you and started to tap on your shoulder. You knew this was his nervous fidgeting.

Did he not know you would be happy no matter where he took you? Except, maybe, a large body of water. You trusted that he would never let you near one again.

The elevator chimed and you heard the doors open. Spencer helped you through, walking you through another door. This is when he stopped you. He stood behind you and gently untied the blindfold, which was actually just a tie of his. Your eyes adjusted to the lights.

"What are we doing here?" You laughed, turning around.

Poor Spencer looked beyond nervous, nearly bouncing with energy. You just didn't understand why he took you to the BAU when you were there nearly every day. This wasn't the best typical date spot in town.

"I-um." He swallowed. "When you got here you told me, in your old life, you wanted to be an actress and you were going to audition for Criminal Minds. I know it was your favorite tv show and you missed out on all of that when you woke up here." He reached down into his desk and pulled out a booklet of green papers.

"You didn't get a chance to prove yourself as an actress, so I-I thought, since we have the real thing here, and you have me-" He gave you the booklet and you flipped it open, eyes going wide. "We could act out a scene together." Spencer eyed you, waiting for a reaction.

"Spencer this is- I don't have the words. You wrote a Criminal Minds script?"

Spencer nodded, pursing his lips.

"We don't have to do it, I just thought-"

"No! No Spence, it-it's perfect." You smiled and flipped through the pages. "Tell me the synopsis."

Spencer cleared his throat. "Agent Y/N and Agent Reid have to work after hours. I think that's all you need to know; it's simple, and not very long."

"I like simple."

"Good." Spencer smiled and kissed your cheek. You blushed at his confidence.

"Don't you have a script?"

"Eidetic memory." He tapped his temple.

"Ah. Right. Shall we begin?" You bit your lip, excited.

"Sure, do you want to count down and say 'action'?"

You nodded.

"3, 2, 1, action!"

Your eyes glanced back and forth to the script as you played out the scene.

Spencer sat at his desk, shuffling through papers.

"Dr. Reid." You strolled over and sat at the edge of his desk. He looked up.

"Explain to me again how our unsub was able to pull off all of this in one night." It wasn't in the script, but you crossed your legs making the skirt of your dress pull up until it was absurdly short. You silently prayed Hotch wasn't hiding out in his office working after hours. This would look like the beginning of a fanfiction porn plot.

Spencer twirled his pencil, flicking his eyes down when he thought you were looking at the script.

"Actually I don't think our unsub was acting alone. Remember the box of ticket stubs located at the first hideout? Those were momentos; kept in pairs. I believe we're dealing with 2 unsubs, a couple."

"Star-crossed lovers- a new age Bonnie and Clyde." You pretended to think it over.

Spencer nodded and stood up, walking up to a board he must have set up before leaving work.

"Based on the geographical locations of the crime scenes and hide outs, we can see that they're making their way west."

"Will they cross state lines?" You walked up next to him.

"There's a high probability they will, yes."

"Can we confidently say that one is the aggressor and one is just tagging along?"

"Yes, in cases with couples like these, typically the male is the aggressor. For example, Bonnie and Clyde. Clyde had a history of committing crimes long before he met Bonnie. She only became a criminal after they became a couple."

"But why would the unsub's partner go along with these killings willingly?"

Spencer turned to look at you.

"Love. History says Bonnie fell in love with Clyde and that's why she stuck by him as his partner; though he was a terrible criminal. He made multiple failed attempts at robbing banks. Clyde actually wrecked their car at one point, nearly killing her with these 3rd degree burns that nearly lost her a leg. She was also struck by bullets multiple times, but still she stayed by his side. We know he loved her too because a smart, or ruthless, criminal would have left her behind after the leg injury. Clyde carried her around; sometimes she limped. She couldn't properly walk for the rest of her short life."

"Devotion, idolization, justification. These unsubs are recreating the Bonnie and Clyde crimes. I can't agree that it's love that drives them, though."

"Why is that?"

"When you love someone, you want what's best for them. You'd never put them in harms way. If Clyde really loved Bonnie, he would have never taken her along with their gang in the first place."

Spencer slowly nodded, eyes scanning the map.

"I suppose a better word for their relationship would be 'obsession.'"

"If you were in the male unsub's position, what would you do, Dr. Reid?"

"I'd protect her." He looks at you again. "I'd turn myself in, admit that everything was my wrongdoing."

"Hmm," you hummed.

"Have you ever been in love, Agent Y/N? You seem to know a lot on the subject."

"Yes, in fact. I have."

"May I ask with whom?" He smiled, slyly. Some script, he was baiting you.

"Yes. If you promise me we can take a break from this. We've been working all night. You promised me dinner, Dr. Reid." You poked his chest.

"I didn't think all this talk of murder would work up much of an appetite." He laughed.

"We've worked here long enough, catching murderers is normal. " You smoothed your hand up his chest, this action was definitely not in the script. Spencer's eyes narrowed.

"We could raid the snacks in the break room, then get right back to work." He recited.

"We could," your words and actions no longer followed the script. "-Or we can stay here."

"Why would we stay here?" That wasn't his line. He was playing along; he was intrigued.

You held up your phone and scrolled through your music until you found something old and romantic. You pressed play and set it on your desk.

"Dance with me Doctor." You held out your hand to Spencer. It was your turn to do the cheesy romantic gesture.

He blushed, taking your hand. He was trying to figure out if you were going to return to the script or not.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and he placed his hands on your waist. You made sure to press your chest closely to his. He was much taller than you and you devilishly knew, as he looked down, he would get an eyeful.

You danced through the first song. "Dr. Reid I have to admit something." You said breathily as you both swayed.

"Yes?" He swallowed, thickly.

"I've liked you for a very long time now."

"Have you?"

"Mmhmm. Do you not feel me watching you as you work across from me? Do you not hear my intake of breath every time you lean over my shoulder and whisper case information in my ear? Do you not see the way I bite my pens when I feel your eyes on me? I've wanted you for a long time now, Dr. Reid."

"Really?" His eyes trailed lower for a moment. You played with the hairs at the back of his neck.

"Yes, in fact, I'm sure that I'm in love with you."

"I-I love you too Y/N." He finally broke character.

"You do? How much? Will you show me?" You kept up the sultry act.

He nodded and drew his hand up to your cheek. He ran his thumb along your bottom lip before slowly leaning in.

Just before his lips were going to meet yours he paused, your noses barely touching. "I would, but I do owe you dinner."

You held your breath, more prepared for dessert than dinner.

He pulled away, but not before nonchalantly brushing his hand that was placed on your waist, over your ass. You bit your lip, not wanting to give away the goosebumps it gave you. He had never been so obvious.

"Dinner then, Dr. Reid?"

"Right this way, madame."

You took his hand, giggling at his courteous behavior. You expected him to lead you out, but instead he led you to the roundtable room. What else did this man have planned? And how the hell did he convince Hotch to approve of this?

"It's nothing fancy, but-" He opened the door to reveal the room dimly lit by candles. A tablecloth covered the table and two seats were placed next to each other in front of it. A bottle of wine, some glasses, and two plates sat in front of the chairs. A main dish sat in the middle, covered by a cloche.

"Spencer, how did you set this up?" You broke your sultry character.

He pulled out your chair for you before sitting in his own.

"Garcia was staying late, she practically volunteered. She left just before we arrived," he explained.

"I'm having a romantic dinner date in the roundtable room. What even is my life?" You mumbled to yourself.

Spencer laughed, uncovering the food plate. He served a spicy grilled salmon and side-salad that had Garcia's jalapeño-infused cooking written all over it. You reminded yourself to thank her at work.

As Spencer served the food, you poured the wine.

You took the first bite, moaning at the flavor. It went well with the expensive wine.

You giggled at how red Spencer's face became as he ate the spicy food.

"Thank you for this, Spence. This is honestly the best date I've ever been on." You sipped your wine.

"You've said that after all of our dates." He grinned.

"That's because you always outdo yourself, and we've only been on 4. How can you possibly top this?"

"I'll think of something."

"No, next time is my turn. I'm romancing you." You pointed.

"We'll see about that."

You both finished your food and cleaned up. Placing most of it into the break room.

You felt warm and cuddly from the wine, you hugged Spencer close to you as you made your way out of the building.

"Did you mean it?" Spencer asked as he drove you both home to his place.

"Mean what?"

"You pine for me at work." He smirked.

"I did not say that!" You blushed, furiously. "I do NOT pine for you."

"Then what would you call it?" You thought for a moment, slyly smiling to yourself as you thought of an answer.

You placed your hand on Spencer's thigh. "I crave you, I ache for you, I touch myself at the thought of you." You spoke breathily, doing your best impression of a sexy Marilyn Monroe.

Spencer nearly slammed his foot on the breaks, looking at you wide-eyed. You'd never been this bold before.

"These last 3 weeks of living with you, I've gone to sleep next to you every night thinking of what your hands, wrapped around me, would feel like if they just trailed a little bit lower." This wasn't a lie. To emphasize, you trailed your hand on him, lower, to his thigh. He gasped and gripped the wheel.

"I-I've wanted you too, Y/N," Spencer stammered; his knuckles going pale. Luckily, you had already arrived at his apartment in one piece.

"Then why don't you do something about it?" You asked, getting out of the car before he could answer. You moved your hips as you walked, smiling to yourself. You'd never felt this confident, sexy, and wanted before.

Spencer caught up with you when you reached his door, struggling to unlock it. You walked in first, stopping in front of his bedroom door and turning around.

"The first night I slept here you told me you wanted to take care of me." You said as you dropped your purse on a nearby table. You turned around to see Spencer was carefully watching your every movement; hanging on to your every word.

"Do you still want to take care of me, Spencer?" You asked. This was an invitation, he could turn you down if he wanted to.

You watched him kick off his shoes at the door and remove his jacket. He walked towards you and threw it behind you, onto the couch.

"Yes, I do." He placed his hands on your hips, lightly tracing.

Your hands roamed up his chest and over his shoulders.

"Then I'm all yours." You whispered. You were honestly curious to see if he would take initiative.

Spencer leaned in, kissing you softly. He pulled back and you felt his heavy breathes on your tingling lips.

He slowly inched his hand up your back as he chased your lips again, still keeping the pressure soft.

He trailed his tongue along your lips and you granted him access, meeting in the middle, not escalating the slow pace at all. Meanwhile, he pulled the zipper of your dress down. His slow movements made your head spin in anticipation. You couldn't hold back your soft sigh when he trailed his hand flat up your bare back.

He smoothed his hands over your shoulders, making your sleeves fall down your arms. Your dress piled to the floor.

He grew more aggressive with his kissing as he ran his hands over your body. He groaned as he lightly squeezed your ass and you yearned to hear him do it again.

You undid his tie, tossing it over your shoulder, followed by his vest. He trailed his kisses down your neck, nipping at the sensitive skin. You gasped, your eyes rolling back for a moment. The stubble on his chin and the warmth of his breath left red hot marks of desire on your skin. You somehow managed to unbutton his shirt and toss it to the floor.

You pulled him closer, wanting to feel his skin against yours. This was a far cry from the night he held you, half-nude, to save your life. Though, you felt like if he didn't touch your neglected core soon, you would die.

You lowered your arms feeling the skin of his chest. No, Spencer Reid did not have abs, but he didn't need them, he was sexy in his own way.

"Bedroom." He mumbled between wet kisses that were definitely going to leave behind marks.

You stepped out of your heels and he moved his hands behind your thighs. He coaxed you to jump and you wrapped your legs around his waist. He returned his attention to your lips, kissing you deeper. He stumbled to his room. You fought the urge to laugh at his clumsy movements. The movements of his tongue against yours made you almost instantly forget.

He tossed you onto the bed and you bounced. You giggled and bit your lip; watching him stand at the edge. He trailed his eyes over your body, licking his lips as he took off his belt and work pants.

Your heartbeat raced and your core pulsed as you anticipated his next move.

"You're beautiful, Y/N. I-I want to remember you like this." He knelt in front of your legs on the bed, taking in the image of you sprawled out and heavily breathing, wanting only for him.

"I want to remember you too." You replied, propping yourself up on your elbows to look at him. His neck and torso were a blushing rosy red, sweat was already forming. His chest rose and fell as he caught his own breath. His hair was already ruined, but you wanted to see just how ruined it could look.

"I truly think you're the most gorgeous man I've ever seen, Spencer," you sounded breathless.

His blushed skin deepened red.

Obviously, he was used to being the 'pretty boy' of the crew, but no one had called him gorgeous and looked at him like he was the statue of David come to life.

Spencer crawled up your body, you opened your legs so he could come closer.

A gasp, followed by a loud moan, escaped your lips as he leveraged more of his weight on top of you. You could feel him, hardening against your core, through the fabric that still separated you. He placed open-mouthed kisses up your neck until he reached your lips.

You honestly did not expect him to take so much initiative.

He coaxed opened your mouth and trialed the tip of his tongue under yours, oddly making you shudder. Where did he learn a sneaky move like that?

You couldn't help yourself, you pulled his hair a little; not enough to hurt. He moaned, his hips moving forward of their own accord. Your back arched and your head fell back at the contact it gave your swollen clit.

"Spencer," you grunted through your teeth, eyes squeezing shut. He must have liked your reaction, because he shifted his hips forward again. He was going to drive you insane.

"Yes?" He bit his lip.

"Please, I need you." You wanted to cry. You needed him to hold you closer. You needed him to pin you down. You needed him inside you. You needed to feel him everywhere. You needed him to love you. You needed him to stay and never leave you. You needed him in every way. His eyes glazed over your face, you felt like he could read your every thought.

"I know, I need you too. Just wait a little longer. I want to make this last." He whispered.

He reached behind you and unhooked your bra, gently bringing the straps over your shoulders. He broke eye contact and brought his right hand up; tracing over your nipple. Both of you breathed a little heavier as it peaked at his ministrations. He leaned his head down and- He's going to be the end of me. I'm actually going to implode.

His lips wrapped around your nipple. He twirled his tongue around and lightly grazed his teeth over the sensitive bud.

His other hand moved to knead and softly pinch your left breast. You felt him, warm and throbbing against your core, he was enjoying this as much as you were. He turned his attentions back and forth between each breast.

"Fuck, Spence-Spencer I- you- that feels so good." Your sentences grew incoherent. You tugged and raked your hand through his hair, your other hand grasping the bedsheets just to remind yourself that you weren't floating on a cloud or something.

The coffee and woodsy-vanilla that surrounded you made you forget your own name. Your whole body was warm and covered by Spencer's; it made you feel safe. Nothing could ever hurt you here. You wanted more. You couldn't stand any more of this torture. After 3 weeks of teasing, and many years alone, you were beyond horny, almost primally so.

He continued pinching, licking, nipping and sucking at your nipples. An excruciatingly good combination. You trailed your fingertips down his abdomen, his stomach flexing as you trailed lower. You skipped the teasing and slipped your hand under his waistband. Your fingertips stroking his softest skin.

"Mmm. I thought I said to wait," he grunted, his voice deepening as his hips bucked against your touch. He took your wandering hand and held it against your other one; holding them down over your head.

Is Spencer dominant in the bedroom? No, he couldn't be-

"Fuck. I-I can't- I can't wait. Please, Spencer." You gasped, hooking your legs around him for more contact where you needed it most. He smiled wide as if you had just complimented him.

Spencer reached his other hand down and held your hips to the bed. He kept eye contact. His eyes were dark and full of lust; something you'd never seen on him before, but he wore the look well.

He moved his hand on your hip away and your arms jerked against his hold as you felt it return, lower. His finger traced down your slit through your panties. You were soaking for him and you knew he could feel it.

He hooked his fingers over your panties and slid them off, leaving you exposed to the cold air. You hissed at the sensation.

God, will the teasing ever end?

"You should see yourself, so ready, begging for me." Spencer smirked. He was using his secret weapon, which he already knew drove you crazy. His voice.

"I wonder just how desperate I can make you become." He lowered his head to circle his tongue over your left nipple. His fingers circled and slid along your slit.

"Can I make you cum without touching you?" He stopped touching you, leaving your body buzzing with anticipation.

"Can I make you cum with just my voice?" He whispered in your ear. Your back arched, yup he could definitely pull that off.

"Answer me," he ordered, keeping his tone soft, but domineering.

"Yes!" You cried out, lost in all the senses he was assaulting. You'd never wanted someone so much in your life.

He looked in your eyes, you were almost afraid of what that genius brain of his was thinking.

"Spencer!" You screamed as he began to rub quick circles over your throbbing clit. It was too much, too fast.

"I'm going to have you tonight, don't worry, but I want to see you cum first," he whispered; moving one hand to move your hair behind your ear.

"Cum for me."

You were so close already, he didn't have to ask twice. Your body convulsed and your back arched as you cried out his name. He watched you, mouth open and breathing softly against your face. You felt hot tears well up as he didn't stop his circling motions. Wave after wave of pleasure worked up your spine. You would've been blinded by it if you didn't keep your eyes on his.

You were lost in him, everything was Spencer Reid.

Your body finally relaxed and he stopped. He moved his hand lower and dipped a single digit into you. The evidence of what he had made you do was clear.

He arched his finger, easily adding another. Your body, still sensitive, began to respond to him again. He crooked his fingers in and out, seeking out the spot he knew would make you scream his name again.

Your legs began to shake.

"Spencer. I-I'm close again. I need you please- just- please. I need to feel you inside me. I need you closer." A tear fell down your cheek. This time he listened. He removed the last piece of fabric separating you two. He held your ankle, moving your legs.

"Should I-" He began.

"I-I have an IUD and I'm clean. If you're good, then we're good," you stuttered. You weren't sure if you were even forming full sentences, but you were confident his Phd's would help him figure it out.

Spencer understood and nodded, bracing himself above you.

He suddenly stopped and leaned down to kiss you.

"I know I say it a lot, but I love you, Y/N," he spoke.

"I love you so so much, Spence."

He lined himself up and slowly pressed into you. The dull pain was practically non-existent from the amount of teasing he had just put you through.

Your legs shook as he bottomed out. Spencer groaned, dropping his forehead to rest against yours. His hair hiding your view of the outside world.

You could feel the effect you were having on his body; his arms shook on either side of you.

He gave you time to adjust and time for himself to catch his breath. Then he lifted his head and delicately kissed you.

"Fuck. You feel so good Y/N," he whispered. It was truly a rarity to hear Spencer Reid cuss, and you can't say it didn't get you going.

He slowly lifted his hips then brought them against you; filling you again. Connecting with you as close as he physically could.

He lazily thrusted as your body grew more and more welcoming to him. He filled you up so well. You tightened around him briefly to feel more.

A growl formed at the back of his throat. "If you keep doing that I'm not going to last long." He reached down to squeeze your thigh and lift your leg higher.

Your eyes rolled back as he managed to thrust deeper into you.

He picked up his speed.

At this angle, every thrust made him brush against your clit. He must've known this, he began circling his hips with each thrust inside of you.

He lay his palm flat against your pelvis, feeling himself brushing against your cervix.

You were a mess of incoherent moans at this point. He lowered his head to your neck and you heard him grunting in your ear with each thrust. You began to meet his hips with yours, making him move faster. He changed direction slightly and brushed up against your deepest bundle of nerves. Your back arched and he gasped.

He slid his arm under you, keeping you arched in that angle. He lifted his head to watch you.

"Ah. Spencer, I'm- Ah I'm close." You nearly sang his praises with your high pitched moans.

You raked your nails over his back. "Me too." He reached down and circled his thumb over your clit, applying a pulsing pressure.

Your jaw fell open and your brows furrowed as you moaned his name. He dropped his head to your neck again and you kissed his jawline. You watched his shoulders tense, loving the sight of his back arching and his muscles flexing under your hands. Someday you hoped to trace and connect all the small freckles there.

He doubled-down his efforts, jackhammering into you. Your vision blurred and the last thing you remembered was that coffee and woodsy-vanilla scent as he pushed you over the edge again. You came without warning, holding him against you like a lifeline tethering you to reality.

You felt him twitch inside of you, your body tightening around him. His hips stuttered. He came just as suddenly; coating your inner walls and moaning your name.

He thrusted a few more times, your orgasm still coming in shockwaves. He didn't stop until your body had milked him dry.

His body shook with aftershocks and he nearly collapsed all of his weight on top of you. You felt him breathing, hot, against your neck. You were in no better shape, eyes half lidded and covered in sweat. You traced your nails between Spencer's shoulder blades. His overworked muscles twitched in response.

"Wow," was all you could manage to say.

Spencer groaned and lifted his head, his hair matted, going every which way. You raked your fingers through his hair, moving it back and out of his eyes.

"Worth the wait?" He asked.

You rested your palm on his cheek and pulled him down to kiss you. He kissed you as sensually as someone out of breath and exhausted could manage, and he didn't stop kissing you. You had to pull away first, beginning to feel the mess between your legs.

"Shower?" You suggested.

Spencer swallowed and nodded. "Shower."

It was a task to get there, but you both managed, and it was worth it when the water hit you. The mess between your legs washed away. Spencer held your waist and looked at you like you were the most important thing in the world.

"I love you." He stated, as you began to wash your hair. You stilled for a moment, taking everything in. If it wasn't for Spencer's reassuring touch, this would all feel like a dream.

"I love you too." You smiled, reaching up to kiss him; he leaned down and met you halfway.

When both of you were cleaned and dried, Spencer gave you one of his shirts to wear to bed. You couldn't help how giddy the gesture made you feel. He wanted to see you in his shirt.

You joined him in bed. Tonight, you were both too exhausted for him to read to you. His post-sex voice also had the sexiest scratchiness to it and you didn't want to go to bed horny another night.

"Tonight was perfect, Spencer," you whispered against his chest, noting his uncharacteristic silence.

"It was." He agreed, playing with your hair.

"How am I supposed to keep my hands to myself at work tomorrow when I know what you're capable of?" You happily traced his skin.

Spencer laughed, his chest rumbling under you.

"Hey, at least you don't have an eidetic memory. I can picture every second, clear as day." He mumbled, brushing his fingers along your neck.

"Mmm, as long as I'm not the only one that has to suffer tomorrow." You yawned, growing tired.

"No, I promise you, we'll both have to suffer tomorrow."

You fell asleep in his arms, absolutely full of love for Spencer Reid.

************************************************************************

You were exhausted, barely coming to, when you felt the bed dip. Arms slid under you and lifted you.

Spencer, ever the romantic; carrying you to the kitchen for breakfast so you wouldn't have to walk.

You felt yourself slip out of consciousness again, cuddling up to his chest. You knew you were safe in his arms. He would never drop you.

When you finally came to, you rubbed your tired eyes.

You stretched, feeling the couch cushions underneath your legs. You yawned and opened your eyes, expecting the sight of smoke as Spencer usually burned the toast.

Except the ceiling above you held cracks and lit a blue hue reflected by a television.

Your eyes widened as they landed on a television screen.

The Criminal Minds intro was playing.

You were in your old apartment.

"No." You whispered.

"No. No. No. NO." This had to be a nightmare.

You jumped up, stumbling over the coffee table legs.

You ran around your tiny apartment, looking for any sign of Spencer. Then you heard his voice.

It was him, on the tv. An episode of Criminal Minds was airing, and you felt farther away from him than you ever had before. You fell to the floor next to your coffee table.

You watched Spencer Reid on tv in tears, knowing it wasn't your Spencer Reid, and you had no idea how to get back to him.

Next Chapter

[revangerang]

Oh boy I really got in my feelings and wrote way too much lmao

Tagged by: @edithpattou86

Tags your friends to do their own lists: @chierafied @mother-ishvara @doughygraduatestudent @kazoomajor @pagan-assassin

[[MORE]]

Top 5 animated movies:

1. Whisper of the Heart - Such a cute and whimsical slice-of-life coming of age story, and so inspiring for creative types! I love how Shizuku sees her fantasies come to life in the world around her, and how she just follows her whims to wander the city and treats each day like an adventure. I see a lot of myself in her. The grandpa and his shop are so cool! I want to find a place like that in my city! I love how she and Seiji inspire and encourage each other to improve themselves. Even though they’re so young and I usually hate that kind of thing, I think it’s a very realistic portrayal of what true love and a healthy relationship should be. The way her writing is treated as a creative process and something she can polish with hard work is just such a wonderful message and so inspiring to me.

2. Spirited Away - I love the Japanese culture and mythology, and the serene, still tone of the film. Truly beautiful. The way it doesn’t paint the spirits and gods in a bad light is good and correct: they were the careless humans who went into their world and took what they shouldn’t have. But it still focuses on the supernatural and eerie elements, often without even explaining anything, which I love. And the bathhouse feels like a real functioning place with workplace culture and all. And of course it’s great that Chihiro steps up and learns to be strong. I just love it.

3. Howl’s Moving Castle - I love all the characters so much, and all the magic and whimsy. The fantasy European setting is so charming, and they did a good job depicting Western magic. Ghibli movies really have such mundane magic, and they make me feel like my life is magic too. Sophie is so good and strong and I love seeing her come into her own. And Howl is hot. lmao

4. My Neighbor Totoro - I had the original Fox dub of this on a bootleg VHS my grandma made us when I was literally like an infant. My parents threw it away when I was still young- like no older than 5- because it “has Eastern religion in it” 🙄 Too bad for them the damage was already done lmfao. It was definitely one of the biggest influences of my formative years, I loved it so much and I’m so grateful to it. That mundane magic I talked about before, and just introducing me to a totally different worldview from my sheltered white American Christian bubble. I was fascinated by every single aspect from the traditional Japanese-style home to the bentos to the shrines... I really admired Satsuki and how grown up she was, taking care of her little sister like she did, making the lunches, all that. It’s really such a charming movie with great music and such a realistic depiction of childhood. Plus who doesn’t love Totoro himself?? And catbus! Iconicccc. I still look for little portholes in bushes and trees to this day lmao

5. Mulan - My little 8-year-old enby ass crying in the living room and repeatedly playing the Reflections scene over and over makes so much more sense now 😂 But really it’s just such a great film with a unique art style, fun characters, and great music. I love how Mulan fights for what she believes is right, and wants to protect her father. And I think it’s great how she also fights to find her own place in the world. I like how they don’t make it a “not like other girls” thing, but just that she personally somehow doesn’t feel comfortable in her own skin with the makeup and all that. Between her living as a man and the clear romantic relationship between “Ping” and Shang, it’s pretty good queer representation for a 2000s Disney movie lol. Also Mulan and Shang can both get it I mean what.

Honorable Mention: Prince of Egypt - That animation tho! So fucking cinematic!! And the music and everything just ugh so good! The characters are really compelling too and you can totally feel the brotherly love and familial issues.

Top 5 live action movies:

1. Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day - This is a movie where you can’t look away for a moment or you’ll miss something important. It really is just one entire heck of a day for the main character like howwww does so much happen. It’s really just written so well honestly that they manage to pack so much into a single movie and a single day. I aspire to that level. The 30s setting is so great with the costumes and set and music ahh I get so much inspiration from it. Every single character (and actor for that matter) is just fantastic. It’s super funny- that situational comedy is my jam. And there are touching moments that give me inspiration for my own life. I relate to Miss Pettigrew with her clear social anxiety, and perhaps neurodivergency? But I love how the events of the film bring out the best in her. And Delysia is just so charming! I want her confidence

2. La La Land - Such a fun and whimsical musical about life for creatives in Los Angeles~ It makes me feel nostalgic and proud to live here. I love all the different homages to classic Hollywood, and the music is so good!! The love story feels realistic and I actually really like that they don’t end up together in the end. They just encourage each other to be better, and if that means being apart, they’re willing to do it. It is another one that gives me inspiration for my life and creative endeavors, especially The Fools Who Dream 😭 Gets me every time.

3. Mamma Mia - This is my shameless feel-good movie. I love just putting it on in the background as I clean or whatever. It’s just so upbeat and fun!! I love Amanda Seyfried and Meryl Streep especially. And I like that the main character learns what she wants (and doesn’t want) out of life right now. And I love that they depict older characters and women!! having full and rich lives including romance and sex. The message that it’s never too late for love is so great! And also just like please communicate and you will probably save yourself so much heartache lmao.

4. Across the Universe - I have an affinity for the 60s and 70s, and I love how this movie kind of takes you through that era with the various characters. It’s such a fun movie with great costumes, cinematography, and music! I just love all the covers of the Beatles songs!! I honestly like them just as much as I like the originals. This is one of the first things I ever saw with positive/neutral queer representation?? Like Sadie is presented just as she is, without it being like WHAT SHE LIKES WOMEN?????? I”MPOSSIBLE !! Or making it all about sex or whatever. It’s literally just like “I want to hold your hand.” Also the whole bit with Eddie Izzard is just incredible lmfao

5. LOTR - My first fandom~ I love these movies so much ughhh. The music! The costumes! The characters! The world! The high fantasy!! I think PJ was so true to the books, or at least as much as he was able in just 10-ish hours. I love that they just went for it and filmed all three in one go, and made them over 3 hours long, which was basically unheard of at the time for blockbuster films. They did so good fully representing the different races through costume, language, culture, and the music too. I literally used to just lay on my bed for hours at a time in junior high, listening to the soundtracks and being immersed in the world. My friends and I would often play pretend that we were in Middle Earth (so lame for middle schoolers lmaooo). I love every single (not-evil) character and I will fight for them. I will especially fight Denethor I don’t even cARE !

Honorable mention: A Little Princess - Sooo whimsical and lovely, even when the girls are going through hardship! I love Sarah and how she literally does magic and even puts a curse on what’s her face omgg. She’s so charming and a genuinely good person too, even though she could have been a spoiled brat. The big climactic scene is so !! Omg I still get the adrenaline when she’s crossing the board and then hiding from the police even though I’ve seen this countless times since I was a small child. And it’s so wonderful that she’s reunited with her father, and they adopt the other girl. It taught me at a young age that the world isn’t fair and people will be nasty and abusive for no reason, but that you can still believe in magic and “fancy yourself a princess.” And the neighbor guy taught me that strangers will step in to help out of the goodness of their heart.

Top 5 TV shows:

1. ATLA - One of the best series of all time. The worldbuilding, lore, storyline, character development, animation, music, etc, are all incredible. If they had gone with the original intention of making Zutara canon it would have been literally perfect and so subversive and innovative! As it is it is still nearly perfect and they still did an amazing job with Zuko’s redemption arc. I just ignore that very last scene tbh. In my mind, it didn’t happen. The series addresses so many issues like imperialism, sexism, abuse, family, disability, war, etc, in a very realistic way. Uncle Iroh is literally a treasure.

2. Steven Universe - So charming and wonderful!! I just love it so much!! It is so goddamn queer, it makes me so happy. Stevonnie is the nonbinary representation we don’t even deserve!! I love every single character. I love the animation and the music too! The bgm is so bubbly and glitchy and cool, super on point for trends these days. And the original songs are so charming~ It also deals with a ton of important issues like imperialism, interpersonal relationships, oppression, self-identity, abuse, leadership, mental health, boundaries, consent, brain-washing, unlearning unhealthy behavior, etc. I love that every single character, even minor ones, get character development and a chance to be strong and improve themselves. And it shows that even the ones we initially think are super strong and have it all together, actually have their own issues that they struggle with too.

3. Yuuri!!! On Ice - This show!!!! Oh my goddddddd. Literally perfect. I love that it just subverts every single trope???? Especially with the events at the beginning and the big spoiler in episode 10. Simply incredible. I love every single character so much??? Even ones I was expecting to hate, like how Yurio is a little shit at the beginning, and then when Lilia is introduced as this super severe tyrant, but she ends up just being a good, yet strict coach because she really wants Yurio to succeed. It’s honestly just so wholesome! The music is so amazing and the ice skating is really realistic too! It really shows that they had an actual skating choreographer and worked off video of him performing. I love how realistic the whole show is like with lots of social media, youtube, instagram, etc. And it does a queer romance without it being a gimmick. It’s just a sports anime with a side plot of a romance but it just happens to be gay. And Kubo-sensei has stated that homophobia doesn’t exist at all in their world which makes me so happy. It’s honestly so queer and I adore how all three main characters are genderfucks a bit. I also love how realistically Yuuri’s anxiety and depression are portrayed. I relate so much to him, especially because mine exhibit in the exact same ways as his. It’s another one that inspires me to fight to be better and live the life I want to live.

4. OTGW - So charming. A perfect addition to the canon of New England fairy tales. The music is great, the animation is wonderful and nostalgic, the characters are fun and interesting and spooky. I love how liminal it is and you aren’t really sure where they are or what’s going on for the majority of the episodes. Greg is the most realistic depiction of a small child and the brothers’ relationship is the most realistic I think I’ve ever seen in my life lmao. He’s just so random and weird and has such Little Kid Logic I love it so much lmao. The story is perfectly contained in its 10 short episodes, and it gives a very satisfying ending. I still can’t get over how many huge stars were in it too?? Like fucking Tim Curry as Auntie Whispers???? I can not believe.

5. Inuyasha - I’m weeb trash and this show is also trash but I love it so much okay. As a big fan I hold so much against the anime for changing things from the manga, but even so I love it. Overall I think the animation, music, and voice acting is perfect. It’s so cool with all the mythos of youkai and the shikon jewel, plus I love traditional Japanese culture stuff. And isekai type stuff is my jam. If I found a portal to another world or to the past you bet your ass I’d go through it. I totally don’t still look for portals as a 30 year old adult, I don’t know what you’re talking about 😂 Kagome is such a great mc tbh like she’s so smart and strong and talented and kind I just love her so much??? I want to be more like her. And I love all the characters honestly. I have to overlook some questionable 90s anime tropes for certain ones, but I still love them. As much as we rag on the constant upgrades thing, the battles and stuff are pretty thrilling, and overall the series is good fun. And yes Sesshoumaru is my husbando, next question.

Honorable Mention: Doctor Who - I love how this show manages to be like every single genre?? SciFi, historical, comedy, thriller, mystery, slice of life, etc. I love all of the Doctors, and all of their companions. I just love how much the Doctor loves humans, and how much faith they have in humanity. And again it’s that whole isekai, time travel, normal modern human goes on magical adventures thing. I would go with the Doctor in a heartbeat. I still cry over Donna 😭

[dylinski]

do 1-100, coward

I AM NO COWARD

anyone who actually reads through all this, god bless you. you can blame leigh @thessaia, i give you full authority.

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

of those three, pandora. although, i prefer apple music.

2. is your room messy or clean?

LMFAO. CLEAN? I DON’T KNOW HER

3. what color are your eyes?

brown, but they’re lighter than that in the right light. almost a caramel with a dark chocolate ring on the outside.

4. do you like your name? why?

yeah, i don’t mind it. its always been there. lol i mean i used to have different nicknames or pretend to be other people. idk i told my parents when i was like five i was going to change my name to Felicia Franchesca Sarahmichelle Lynn. don’t ask. in fifth grade (before dylan o’brien was even famous) i begged my parents to call me dylan and refused to respond to any other name for like a year. also, don’t ask.

5. what is your relationship status?

single as dingle

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

CHAOTIC, SMARTASS, STABBY

7. what color hair do you have?

answered

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

kia forte, although my dad calls it an orte since the “f” is missing. funny story, i  got pulled over and gave the dude my license and registration and shit but apparently, he didn’t look at it cause he put on the warning “orte” which i promptly laughed my ass off to. if he had given me a ticket i could have absolutely fought that bitch in court in won. SIR I DO NOT DRIVE AN ORTE. IS THAT ITALIAN? DO I LOOK LIKE I CAN AFFORD AN ITALIAN CAR? I DRIVE A FORTE SIR.

9. where do you shop?

ONLINE

10. how would you describe your style?

very idgaf

11. favorite social media account

tumblr

12. what size bed do you have?

full, it takes up my entire room so i couldn’t go bigger if i wanted to

13. any siblings?

answered

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

uk, always wanted to live there idk

15. favorite snapchat filter?

idk what its called but it has this higher temperature tone to it and gives me cute little freckles

16. favorite makeup brand(s)

i don’t wear make up, i used to use stilla (i think that’s how its spelled)

17. how many times a week do you shower?

i usually shower like every other day unless its hotter than a pair of saggy tits

18. favorite tv show?

that changes with the weather tbh. i can’t say i really have one. for a really long time it was supernatural though.

19. shoe size?

womans 11.5 (us) i think its a men’s 9?

20. how tall are you?

5′ 3″ or 160cm

21. sandals or sneakers?

sneakers. god i hate sandals.

22. do you go to the gym?

uh, no.

23. describe your dream date

answered

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

thats funny cause normally i don’t carry cash but i actually have $20 atm

25. what color socks are you wearing?

im not wearing any atm

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

answered x2

27. do you have a job? what do you do?

not technically? i’m an hourly temp but i hardly get any hours since i cover for the full-time employee.

28. how many friends do you have?

irl: 0    online: too many to count

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

oh god, i honest to god have no fucking clue. i don’t think about this stuff. i’ve done some stupid ass shit but my short term and long term memory are both shot to tits.

30. whats your favorite candle scent?

i think i answered this one for a different ask game. i hate most fragrances and artificial smells, even non-artifical ones. i got a sensitive sniffer. im chill with like vanilla though if its not too intense.

31. 3 favorite boy names

Dylan (not even cause dylan i’ve just always liked the name idk why), Jeremy, Jacob (the other two are random)

32. 3 favorite girl names

i know these are random as fuck, but i’ve always liked them so shoot me.

Andromeda, Persephone, Franchesca

33. favorite actor?

i like a lot of actors, way too many to fucking name and remember off the top of my noggin. for sanity’s sake, we’ll say dylan.

34. favorite actress?

god, again way too many to count. i can’t even think of any right now even though i know i have some. lets say Emily Hampshire

35. who is your celebrity crush?

answered36. favorite movie?

answered37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i would love to read but my adhd makes it really hard to concentrate. i’ll have periods of time where i’ll read a bunch its insane and then i’ll just kind of stop for a while idk. i always loved because of win-dixie or a wrinkle in time, bridge to terabithia, and american assassin.

38. money or brains?

brains, then you can work for the money and you know shit

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?

sawahbwear, sassafras, whiskey, sar

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

good lord, i don’t even know. way too many. definitely more than ten.

41. top 10 favorite songs

answered42. do you take any medications daily?

not anymore, i kept forgetting to take them so it fucked me up not being on a regular dosage so i just stopped taking all of them.

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

see, im weird af. cause like my skin is oily af, but also fucking dry and i have shitty eczema 44. what is your biggest fear?

answered45. how many kids do you want?

idfk. i mean for as long as i can remember i always wanted them, but tbh idk if im the type of person to have any…

46. whats your go to hair style?

messy bun

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

small, row house

48. who is your role model?

dont have one.

49. what was the last compliment you received?

probably from michelle i think, or alaina. idk i don’t keep track. unless you consider kiana calling me insane a compliment. 🤷‍♀️

50. what was the last text you sent?

“thankies”

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

tbh, i don’t think i ever thought he was real…pretty sure i could put in time out in preschool for making a kid cry cause i told them leprechauns weren’t real either.

52. what is your dream car?

mustang or challenger

53. opinion on smoking?

conflicted

54. do you go to college?

disappointingly

55. what is your dream job?

no clue

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

rural, but still close enough to shit it doesn’t take me an hour to go places.

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

haven't been to a hotel in a long ass time. i do but i never use them.. FREE SHIT

58. do you have freckles?

yeah, but you can’t see them unless i’ve been outside in the sun all day for hours.

59. do you smile for pictures?

relatively

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?

5604

61. have you ever peed in the woods?

yup, and in a parking lot, and in public.🤙

62. do you still watch cartoons?

i hardly watch tv anymore, but if i did, fuCK YEAH

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

WNEDYS ALL DAY ERRY DAY THE RED HEADED BITCH IS MY HOE OKAY

64. Favorite dipping sauce?

ew, no.

65. what do you wear to bed?

tshirt

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

answered

67. what are your hobbies?

writing, coding, listening to music??, reading

68. can you draw?

NOPE

69. do you play an instrument?

also no

70. what was the last concert you saw?

like two years ago, circa survive with thrice and a third band idr

71. tea or coffee?

neither

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

neither

73. do you want to get married?

idk

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

DO

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?

idk, part of me wants to but most of me doesnt want to

76. what color looks best on you?

i look good in all colors except white.

77. do you miss anyone right now?

yeah

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed cause i still live at home 😖 but if i didnt probably open so my cat could come and go as he pleased

79. do you believe in ghosts?

ghosts, no. spirits, yes.

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

answered

81. last person you called

my dad

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

mint choco chip

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?

damn, regular.

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

RAINBOW BITCHES

85. what shirt are you wearing?

supernatural. dean and sam with baby

86. what is your phone background?

mitch rapp

87. are you outgoing or shy?

im an ambivert

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

FUCKING YES

89. do you like your neighbors?

the ones on the right are bearable and the ones on the left can fuck off with their insane semen demons

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

neither, but i should.

91. have you ever been high?

nope

92. have you ever been drunk?

answered

93. last thing you ate?

hot dog

94. favorite lyrics right now

answered

95. summer or winter?

fall

96. day or night?

night

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?

dark

98. favorite month?

umm, august? idk

99. what is your zodiac sign

aquarius

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?

i don’t remember, it’s been a really long time since i cried in front of someone.

[ilovetosmilepleasemarrymepi-blog]

For information and my safety and their sainity,

I do not own any pictures, art, drawings, or epic pieces of art in this story.

All ponies pony names, names of pony songs, pony songs, or any thing else that could get my ass sued. Also all chacters, locations, phrases, items, names of spells etc... They belongs to Hasbro, Hasbro entertainment, and Hasbro productions.

Witch will inevitably be bought by Disney like everything else. So we can get a pinky Deadpool ship!

FINALY!!!

Hello . My name is...well I guess I.. well how about you can just call me Dayrl for now. You see my story ... It is true, very true well the beginning is any way. Oh though how I wish this was a true story. The true story though has not yet occurred. If I'm to change my life would to change my life and find the one I was destined to meet. I'd have to find the one the cupcacake of my eye that for years or more I might of gone without noticing. I'd have to go through hell to find true love. I'd was going to be sent through life's emotional hell.

But that is later

This... is where my story began...for now...

My pony life started in high school. I don't even rember much of it, and I know I did not know about fan fictions back then. What had happened is that I saw this kid with really cool shirt with on and it something really cool on it with a rainbow maybe ?

Yeah that it defintaly not the design that was on the shirt but it is 20% cooler

So I asked the dude about it his shirt I mean he said it was from a short about ponies now at I was uncertain but I'm really open minded and also I was in high school so i think that was at the time where I was more use to watching cartoons so theres that by the way it may now be important but I really love to brag ... So you know the really famous season four tirek episode where twilight had the power of four Alicorns and when she when to battle tirek the stated exchangeing blows and beams energy waves throwing rocks at each other having a good ol time well I watched as .... It ... Aired ... Which alot of people can say that they did that to but ya know like I said l love to brag

#overlyadzaderatedartparody

So now ya know how I came to the fandom that's well and good and I really don't remember alot after that other than ya know watching the episodes now and then but if knew then what I know now ...... Well I often say don't it's not got look at the past unless your looking to learn

Now apparently ..... Very apparently I seem to have falling away from the fandom at sompoint and I think it it a fairly simple reason that I faced a problem that all us bronies have to and will learn to over come if we want in this fan community

Prejudice

Mockink, taunting teasing

Rejection

Eventually if you can't get over something like that and face your problems your fears and lack of self confidence you become ..... Lost alone ....unhappy you will be unable to move on with life... like...

Now eventually after a while I found the fandom again I don't really want to say ... Hoooo....huuummmm I guess if I'm going to be telling this story I'm going to be honest with you

#apples

#honesty

#elementofhonesty

#applejack

So any way here it I'm not what a normal person would call normal ...or at the very least average I have these psychological disorders there called autism, ADHD, ADD, OCD, and plethora of behavior probelems you see growing not the best behaved i had a lot of social issues and trouble making friends on account of my autism and the fact my dad had passed away when I was two and technicaly speaking im still not the best behaved or social

any way I was in this assisted liveing home becaus my mom need a break from me a person with less .... Metal advantages sometimes just can't handel you all the time and one day i was watching tv in the day room nothing on as per ussaul you know I did have my phone back then too and hardly ever watched TV when I did alot of it was Steven universe and any one else who watches that can tell you that hiatused are a Bitch so basically steven universe was hiatuse and there nothing on and I found my self watchin TMNT alot but ya got know there nothing on there's nothing on but one day there was...

Now one thing you have to understand about me is I absolutely love my music all music any music any at and I'm not that picky

#octaviamelody

#vinylrecordscratch

I don't really have that many thing I won't listen to most of the time I only have one rule and that is that I won't listen to anything where I can't understand the lyrics I feel like what the point in music if you can't apeel to everyone and if one person can not what your saying that's one person you did not reach but the point of the matter is that I like and appreciate a lot of music what I'm realling to say is that the music is a big part of why I loved in Steven universe so much like comet, giant woman, it's over isnt it and I will straight up right now say that show deserves ten Grammy's (not to mention the Annie award, animation award, it deserved deserved deserved for best episode paraphrasing the name of the award Mr. Greg instead of that dumb ass adventure time vr episode) but I'm getting off toppic now I like music and what is my Little pony without alot of music

So I'm pretty sure no I'm beautifuly one hunldred percent sure on who I have to thank for saving me from when I was down in my funk the it was none other than the cuti mark crsaders let me explain it is definitely not the first song iv heard in the series but damn shur if it's not one the best I was watching mlp one day and ya know I thought here go just another friendship song ... Fuckin ass then out of no where I was blown away the kiss makeup , the lights, the crashes, the danger, and rock be e de de e dew

All I have to say right now is I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for you the cmc

#imnotzecora

so from the bottom of my heart for as broken and shattered it gets every day thank you

You help me so much

Now let talk about something really serious do you believe in simplicity that things just simply happen an that they are all coincidences maybe you believe in faith it can come from strangest places in apparently very ummm... If you believe in faith how far does that faith go how long are you willing to let the Signs just pass you by ignore faith some people get second chances but some never even get a first and if you do nothing if it something ....or someone that is a greater power or forces .... why not at least play along Just to see where you end up

Ok im a guy so naturally I do what guys do I watch porn and please just stay with me for one minute here because this is probably the most important part this is where I the divine intervention made it's first move it a very crucial part to this story so please just stay with me who know here what the rule 34 is ... Oh come on...

#sweetibellohcomeon

Shut you all know it is everyone knows the rule is it's states if exist it can be sexy and there porn of it

so me being the very lonely guy that I was never had being been in a relationship and alwase watching porn I knew for a fact that they did not show porn on YouTube so showering pornsites for pony porn and finding none (or not look hard enough not find what I wanted or worse just being internet lazy) went YouTube and they had ..... Somethig

Clop

Right now I challenge you to go to someone who is not a mlp fan and ask them to watch clop then ask a brony the exact question and compare just their face reactions yeah I had no idea what it was I did after though

So I got my fill of clop now at that time I was also a big anime fan this is the second event that seems to line up just perfectly to be some kind weird divine intervention I was watching frieza react to the video where pinkie pie beats up all her friends to the theme of the smile song and I'll give you a thousand Guesses what video was in description

cupcakes

Now yeah it was a weird video but I did even here it was a fanfic till way later the next couple of web searches we're mostly fan made songs untill ...

My first fan fiction by scribbler of course

#scribbler

#scribblerproductions

#subcribetoscribbler

Scribbler i dont know who you are but if could only realize what a monumental difference youve made in my life I have goals now because of you on I've found love and pepol can say they are fictional chacters all fuckin day I ve got more than that I want to and need to

So let's go back where all began

Rocket to insanity my first mlp fan fiction ever butt you know I think I've told you quite a bit now so ill save some for next time

That where really interesting ...

[ideocosmonaut]

Would you rather date someone who had a car or a job? Ehh probably job.

What’s the most important part of a relationship in your opinion? Trust, perhaps?

Have you ever wanted to watch a scary movie with someone JUST to have an excuse to be close to them? Kind of

Be with someone cute and a jerk or ugly and kind? ugly and kind

Name a favorite of each: food, drink, color. Steak, Coke Zero, Gray or black

If you married rich and your spouse gave you $100,000 a week, what would you spend it on? Weekly short vacations. Maybe fly to a city every weekend and go on a shopping spree.

Name a favorite of each: book, movie, tv show. Harry Potter, Robocop, Seinfeld

If your best friend liked your ex, what would you do? I dont have an ex

if you had to choose between being blind or deaf which would you pick? Hmm. Maybe blind. I love art and music but my eyes get me into more trouble than my ears.

Name a LEAST favorite of each: food, drink, color. How boring. Onions, water, yellow

What do you spend most of your money on? Bills

What kind of underwear do you prefer wearing? Boxer briefs

If you were sat on a plane beside your favorite celebrity, what would you do? Probably nothing. Why would they want to talk to me? They’re probably really tired and just want to chill on the ride home. I mean, if I feel brave, maybe I’ll say hi and that I really love their work but that’s about it.

What would you consider to be the biggest insult to yourself? Any... insult?

What are five things you absolutely have to have in your dream house? A kitchen, a bathroom, a bedroom, a ceiling, walls...

If you could be reincarnated as any animal, which would you chose and why? Some kind of bird

What is your biggest pet peeve? Being wrongfully accused

Do you still watch cartoons? Sometimes

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? 80s and 90s comedies

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A cop. An astronaut

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? yeah.

First concert? Flogging Molly, for a big name band. But I went to local shows in school

Tea or coffee? i like both.

Do you think you were well raised? Up until I was a teenager

How do you handle stress? not well. 

Do you hide things well? Not really

If you had to choose between having one family member or 5 of your closest friends die who would you choose? I’d rather not. If I had to... family member. I’ve lost almost all of the good ones already anyway. And my friends are a precious few.

Do you see yourself ever being with someone you’ve been with before? No?

Would you rather live in a tiny apartment with 5 other people or a huge house by yourself that you felt was haunted? Huge house... if I didnt have to keep it up by myself.

How many piercings do you have? 0

Do you see yourself as a “good” person? No. No one is really good or bad. People are people. Everyone has their own ambitions. And a basic desire. People change all the time, nothing is set in stone.

Are your nails painted a dark or light color? N/a

Have you ever order pizza online? yes

What color was the last candle you lit? Cream?

Is there something written on your shirt right now? No

Is there a bookshelf in your room? no.

Do you own a treadmill? nope.

Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? yes.

What color was the last fish you had? Orangey

Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? Nah

Have you ever read in the bathtub? No

If you play the sims, do you download custom clothes, hair, etc? I imagine I would

Have you ever put ice cubes in milk? no.

Does your animal sleep with you? N/a

What do you use to remove your makeup at night? N/a

Do you have a favorite TV show that actually isn’t on air anymore Umm maybe. I think most of my favorites are still alive somewhere in TV land

Have you ever bought something off of iTunes? i don’t think so.

Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? nope.

Do you know how many pages the last book you read had? nope.

What day of the week does the laundry usually get done? Saturday

Do you use the Facebook chat often? daily.

Do you have any baby pictures of yourself on your computer? Nah

How many favorites do you have on youtube? hundreds

What channel is the food network? i dont have cable

Do you still write in pencil? sometimes

What brand is your foundation? n/a

What kind was the last chip you ate? Uhh doritos i think

Do you eat onion rings? not often but i love them.

When did you last go to the zoo? years ago

How many cardigans do you own? 1

What is your favorite song to play on guitarhero or rockband? none

What flavor of tea did you last have? Milos

Do you own a robe? yes

What was the last video you added to your favorites on YouTube? An upload of the new Puppet Master movie

Have you ever brushed your teeth and then drank orange juice? yeah

When was the last time you had pancakes or waffles? yesterday

Do you know anyone whose birthday is today? my step-mom

If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? I wouldn't exist so I wouldn't feel anything. That’s an upside. Can you imagine how bad you’d feel if you died? It’s a mercy we dont feel anything after.

Was the last person you texted under 18? no I dont believe any of the people ive texted are under 18

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? like two

Do you like hoodies? yes.

When was the last time you attended a wedding? May?

Have you had alcohol this week? uhhhhhhhh nope actually

What windows are open on your computer right now? You mean tabs? This, FB, another Tumblr, and youtube

Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? yes Is there anything you are craving right now? affection

What’s the last thing you had to eat? rice and beef

Who were the last four people to text you? my dad, my step-mom, a couple friends

Do you have any morbid interests? nothing habitual

Do you know anyone whose birthday is tomorrow? no.

What was the last thing you found that you thought you lost forever? an earbud cover

Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop for the New Year? no

If you have a Twitter, do you use something else besides the computer to update your tweets? nope

Do you like potato salad? Ive never had one I liked

Who was the last person that apologized to you? my bff. It’s funny that I say sorry a lot but I dont hear it very often. only from him. hmm.

Have you ever driven and ended up running out of gas? no

When was the last time you uploaded pictures from your camera? months ago

Did you do the laundry today? yes

What was the reason behind the last time you stayed up all night? wasnt sleepy

Did you straighten or curl your hair last? n/a

Have you ever been off-roading? yes

Was the last number you added to your cell phone a guy’s or girl’s number? a restaurant probably

Do you enjoy being a tease? kind of. not too much.

Have you ever had a UFO sighting or a sighting of strange lights in the sky? nope.

Who was the last person you caught lying to you? eh i dont recall

How old were you when you were first pulled over by the police? umm 19 ish?

Do you have a webcam that’s built into your computer or did it come separately? n/a

Was there ever a time that you lived on an island? I am an island. Shut up, Ben Howard.

Have you ever made a time capsule? I did in school

When was the last time you drank out of a champagne glass? long time ago

What was the last casino you went to? N/a

Does it flood easily where you live? kind of

Let’s start out blunt, have you had sex in the last 12 hours? nope.

Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? no.

Does anything hurt on you? my foot

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? maybe

Do you look at the keyboard when you type? sometimes

Does it bother you when people respond to you with one word?   not really

Will you be up before 7:00 a.m. tomorrow? yes, many times

Do you like MySpace? i did back when it was popular.

Do you like glitter? its ok

Is there anyone you’d like to apologize to? my mom

What’s the closest thing to you that’s liquid? 

my... pee?

Are your toe nails painted pink? no.

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months? no... I mean, i doubt it? maybe? who knows.

Are you excited for Saturday? I was until I hurt my foot

What are you listening to right now? Game Grumps

What is the most exciting place you have been to this year? Gatlinburg 

The shirt you’re wearing, does anyone else have it? possibly

Are you gonna be home tonight? yes.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you? not if it stops there

Are you easily scared at horror films? not easily

If there was a large spider in the room, what would you say? Depends on how large and what kind

Do you have good memories with old friends? of course. 

How are you feeling right now? in pain

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired? oh yeah

How many friends do you have that have never smoked? a few

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don’t talk to anymore? yes.

Are you missing someone? yes.

Did you have a dream last night? probably, i just don’t remember it.

Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? of course, as long as they’re single too.

Who did you last talk to on the phone? my dad

Have you held hands with anyone today? no.

Do you drop your phone a lot? nah

Your last ex says they never even liked you. You say? You dont exist?

When was the last time you saw your father? last weekend

Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you? Hmm. that’s a tough one. I use humor to cope a lot but I always try to remain within certain guidelines around certain people. it’s a lot to keep up with. Me? I can laugh at almost anything. Im pretty numb to most things. It doesnt come from a place of disrespect, but a need to laugh.

Would you say you’re an understanding person? mostly.

How is your life currently? it sucks.

What are you doing tomorrow morning? sleeping

Do you want to see somebody right now? sure.

How many people have you liked in the past 8 months? just the one.

Have you ever done anything illegal? yes

Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom or your dad? mom

What’s currently bothering you? my foot. looming anxiety over possibly being fired. being totally alone.

Have you thought about an ex today? no.

Are any of your friends taller than you? yes.

Did you do anything productive today? yes.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? To relive certain things, maybe. Barry Allen taught me not to fuck with the timeline

Today, did you hug a person you have feelings for? no

Do you wish at 11:11? nah

Are you currently in a relationship? no

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? apparently they are everything

Think of the last person who said “I love you” to you. Do you think they meant it? I guess. 

Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? yes.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? yes

If you could move somewhere else, would you? Depends but im mostly for it

Has a boy/girl called you babe or baby today? no.

How long were you with your last bf/gf? never

Would you ever let a girl/boy put you through hell and back? probably. im ripe for the abuse.

Have you ever gone out with anyone older than you? no

Do you think you will ever be married? probably not

Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes. that’s life

Is it possible to be single and happy? temporarily

Last time you wore something that didn’t belong to you? idk

Has anything happened in the past month that made you really happy? aside from food, not really. 

What’s something you’ve always wanted to say to your ex? n/a

How much money did you spend today? $0

Are you a rude person? to people who are rude

Would you ever think about painting your ceiling your favorite color? no. 

What’s something you’re excited for? Cyberpunk 2077

Does cuddling freak you out? A little. I dont like not being able to move

What do you think of maxi dresses? idk

What did the last text in your inbox say? From who? my phone’s in the other room...... >_>

What would you do if you saw a guy hit a girl? Call the police.

Have you ever gambled? yes.

Do you use tobacco products? not anymore

Would you ever go a week without showering? only if i had to

Would you ever date someone with a different skin color than you? Yeah

[toomanysurveys9]

How much time do you spend putting on makeup daily?: usually i don’t spend any time on makeup. on the rare occasion i wear it, maybe 5-10 minutes.. i don’t wear much...

Do you own a webcam?: there is a built in webcam on my computer.

What is your favorite perfume, fragrance, cologne?: i like the blackheart perfume from hot topic..

What does your favorite jacket look like?: i don’t have a favorite jacket.

Have you ever been to Savannah, Georgia?: i don’t think so.

On average, about how many notecards do you think you use per month?: none.

Did you watch Barney when you were younger?: yeah. i used to be obsessed with him.

Do you have a drink sitting nearby that is yours?: my water bottle. that has water in it.

How many bracelets do you wear on average?: usually none.

How many lightbulbs are currently on in your room?: none.

Have you ever heard of a band called The Afters?: i think i’ve heard of them. i don’t know if i’ve heard any of their music though.

Do you play any instruments?: not well enough to answer yes.

Have you ever worn faux eyelashes?: i have not.

What is the shortest that you’ve ever cut your hair?: a little bit past my chin.

What is your favorite flag from any country?: i don’t really have a favorite..

What type of cell phone service do you have?: xfinity. they use verizon towers.

Is it true that ginger ale can help cure a stomach ache?: i don’t know that it really cures it but it can help i feel like.

How many pairs of glasses (not sunglasses) have you owned?: none. i have never needed them.

What color is your flash-drive?: black and red.

Do you own any of those thick rubber bracelets? not anymore. i used to.

Have you ever built a sand castle?: oh yeah. many, many times.

When listening to a song, what do you listen for (lyrics, bass, beat, etc)?: lyrics and rhythm mostly.

Do you own more than 20 guitar picks?: i do not.

Have you ever worn a bandanna?: when i was a lot younger. What is the color of your toothbrush?: mostly pink.

Do you wish you owned a ray gun?: can’t say i ever thought about owning one of those.

What is your favorite color(s) of eye-makeup?: natural colors for eye shadow... and then black for eyeliner and mascara.

Do you own a pair of white converse?: i do not.

Are pink erasers really all that great?: i never really cared about erasers or their colors..

Have you ever worn a thumb ring?: i have not.

Is Katy Perry overrated?: i mean, i’m not really a fan, but i don’t know if she’s overrated.

Have you ever tried a Root Beer barrel?: i have not.

Do you agree with the phrase, “Hugs! Not drugs!”?: i mean... whatever.

What is the longest pair of earrings you own?: i don’t think i even own any earrings.

What brand of TV do you own?: i’m not sure what jacob’s tv is. i don’t actually own one myself.

Do you like My Chemical Romance’s album, Danger Days?: i don’t have that one, so i don’t know.

What is the color of your bedroom walls?: uh. tan-ish with a green accent wall thing.

How often do you use sharpies?: like, once every few months or something?

Why is there always a light in the fridge but not the freezer?: i don’t know.

Do you have a subscription to Alternative Press?: i do not.

Are high school football games fun?: i only went to a couple. they’re not my most favorite thing in the world. never have been.

Do you think Kanye West is a dick?: i guess he can be. but i don’t know. i don’t pay that much attention to him.

Do you own a dog?: we have two dogs. although we are probably going to have to find cocoa a new home because she keeps starting fights with phe and the last thing we need is to take another dog to the emergency vet.

At what size do ear gauges become gross?: when they super stretch out someone’s ear lobes.

How many concert posters do you own?: none.

You walk into Starbucks. What do you want to order?: small caramel frappuccino. i rarely order anything from starbucks though. it’s so expensive.

What type of car are you in most?: my parents’ toyota.

Is there a cork board in your bedroom?: nope.

Are you currently using a laptop?: i am.

Do you obsess over the Super Bowl on a yearly basis?: i do not. i’m not all that into football, or any sports.

What color is the shirt you are currently wearing?: mostly dark gray.

If you wear a necklace, do you keep it on for over a month?: i don’t really wear necklaces much.. but i don’t usually wear them that long without taking them off.

What is your favorite type of flower?: lilacs. but i love any pretty colored flowers. :)

How old will you be in 15 months? twenty-six.

Who was the last person who texted you? jacob. he just now told me he wants clothes washed before he gets home so he has shorts to play basketball and whatever else...

What is your current status? like, relationship status? i’m married.

What are you listening to? the kiddos playing and ashley is watching law and order: svu.

What are your plans for tomorrow? not a thing besides paying bills.

Who is the last person you had a face to face conversation with? i told lilli not to plug in the vacuum (wyatt is playing with it - all the toys and he wants the things that aren’t toys lol).

Do you believe in love at first sight? something like that. i’m a mom. i loved my babies before i actually saw them. but i don’t believe in romantic love at first sight.

Was yesterday better than today? not really. but it wasn’t really bad either.

What did your last text message say? i was just telling jacob that his clothes should be done right around six, which is when he gets off, and that i loved him.

Do you prefer to call or text? text. calls kind of freak me out.

What’s the nearest green object to you? there is some green on some of the toys not too far from me.

What were you doing at 12 am last night? i think i was sleeping by then?

When is the last time you saw your mom? a few hours ago.

Have you kissed someone in the last 2 weeks? i have.

How many houses have you lived in? at least nine, but it’s actually been a few more than that even (including trailers and apartments)...

What are you doing for your next birthday? i have no idea and it’s only a little over a week away.

What is your favorite color? blue, black, and gray.

What are you thinking about right now? that lilli is being especially frustrating today.

Any plans for this weekend? saturday i might be meeting two cousins - my grandpa finally found his twins that he has been searching for for years. unfortunately, terry passed away a few months before grandpa found them... jerry is still living. but we are probably meeting terry’s kids this weekend. either tomorrow or saturday. and saturday kayla’s parents rented a cabin for her for her birthday, so she invited jacob, wy, and me to go hangout with her there which we said we would do. jacob and kayla have plans of getting trashed. so i’m not sure what wy and i will be doing. but brittany and john will also be there, and brittany is also pregnant, so i won’t be the only sober one at least. i might drive wy and myself home when things start getting too crazy.

Do you have anything bothering you? not really at the moment.

Do you smile often? i smile a lot more now that wyatt is around. he’s the light of my life.

When was the last time you cried? i don’t remember.

Have you ever had a life threatening injury? not injury, no. i’ve had illnesses/health things that almost killed me though.

Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? nope.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? yeah. but it’s been a long time, thank goodness. being up that long straight isn’t my favorite. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? nope. i sleep with wy and jacob. i’m kind of excited for our room to get finished so i can start transferring wy to his own bed, and then his own room, before ellie is born. How often do you remember your dreams? pretty often, which kind of sucks sometimes. because they get weird, and sometimes just plain bad.

What is the main ring tone on your phone? just some preset ring tone.

What is something that you do too much? procrastinate.

Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth? yeah. i do.

Are there any hobbies you have that you don’t perform in front of others? i mean. i don’t read for other people, but i will read with people around. but nothing comes to mind that i wouldn’t do ever around people. What’s one bad or inconvenient habit you used to have but no longer do? i haven’t self-harmed in a very long time. the urge still arises though. sometimes it’s strong. but i don’t because my babies. Do you find it difficult to kick a habit or a routine that’s detrimental? yeah. kind of. When was the last time you had a particularly hectic day? when we closed on our house on june 28th.

How often is your schedule busier than you would like for it to be? rarely. we rarely have anywhere to go or anyone to come over. Is there anyone in your life who expects a lot out of you? i mean, jacob kind of does. he expects me to do EVERYTHING besides actually get a job outside the home, and that will probably be added to the list after ellie is born. but i already work myself to complete exhaustion... he goes to work and then goes out with friends or comes home and plays video games. if he sees wy needs anything, i’m told. plus i have to make sure he (jacob) is fed, has work clothes, pack his lunch, etc. and eliana isn’t even here yet.. Are you more inclined to listen to your own intuition and/or desires, or to be persuaded by the suggestions and coercion of others? eh. i guess my own intuition. i’m not really around people for the suggestions and stuff. Where’s one place you’ve spent a lot of time lately? home. which isn’t all bad because i love our house. just gets a little lonely i suppose sometimes. Is there anywhere you wish you could spend more time? not really. What do you do when you simply don’t know what to do? try to get wy to play. lol. Are there any choices that make you particularly indecisive? where to get food. or what to make for dinner. lol. When was the last time you felt you were in an impossible situation where, despite what you did, you couldn’t win? when we thought we weren’t going to be able to get this house. What’s something weird that you do when you’re alone? i don’t know that i do anything weird, besides these. and i’m technically not alone when i do them... people are around. How did you find out about your current favorite band? i don’t know that i really have a favorite these days. Where are you most likely to go when you need clothing? walmart. close and inexpensive. Is anything significant weighing on your mood right now? not really, no. When was the last time you tried to do something yet failed? i don’t know. Does failure bother you much, or do you just try again? it bothers me. so very much. i want to do well in all things i do, so if i fail or feel as though i didn’t do good enough, it really messes with my head.. Do you think your life is comprised more of success or failure? more success than failure, i think. What does success mean to you personally? when you work hard to accomplish something, and do that thing satisfactorily i guess, if that makes sense. Does your definition differ from the general consensus? i don’t know. maybe. What’s one personality trait you clearly exemplify? shyness. What’s one personality trait that’s not strong in you? outgoing. Are you a difficult individual to get to know? i’m kind of more difficult to get to know now than i used to be i think. i’ve been used and let down so many times.. lied to.. it just doesn’t seem all that worth it i guess anymore? When was the last time you opened up to someone and about what? i don’t remember. it’s been awhile. probably jade and some of the issues i’ve been dealing with with jacob... To whom do you feel the most important? wyatt and eliana. What makes someone especially important to you? i don’t really know.. the people who are important to me are my kids, husband, rest of my family, and a couple friends. i feel like the reasons would be pretty obvious. When was the last time you changed your mind? today. i thought about walking to the store but then decided not to since wyatt was too tired. Is there something you want but might not ever have? a job that i really love.... when i’m ready/can go to work. i’m content to take care of my littles for the time being. What’s something you’re working to obtain? i don’t know.. How do you console yourself when you’re distraught? i don’t really. my coping skills are definitely lacking.

What last occurred to make you feel particularly bitter? i don’t know. i guess jacob just leaving and not even having to worry about wy..

How would you describe the most interesting cloud-shape you’ve witnessed? my favorite was one that was shaped as a dog running. Do you tend to enjoy your dreams? not so much. most are nightmares or just plain weird. What would you do if you did not require sleep? i don’t know. probably read more... maybe surveys. maybe watch movies or tv. probably definitely read. Are there any projects or goals you’ve recently abandoned? none come to mind. i haven’t really started any projects or anything. What in life serves to keep you going? my kids. How frequently, if ever, do you want to give up? pretty often. but i can’t. i have little ones that need me. What was the last good news you received? the last good news i got was that my grandma gets to come home today! she’s been in the hospital for a couple days for testing because they are afraid she had a stroke or TIA... i also found out i do not have gestational diabetes today, too, which was also very good news. What’re some of the important things around you? things... i guess that would be my phone. i’m still paying it off. and my computer. it has a lot of pictures. How long has your favorite song been your favorite? i don’t know what would be my favorite song right now. lol. During which time of day are you at your best? i guess the afternoon. i’m usually not overly tired at that point yet. Are you more inclined to appreciate sweet or savory foods? usually more savory, but there are some sweet things i crave and whatnot. When’s the next time you’ll cook a meal? i don’’t know. Do you prefer more hot or cold types of food? depends on my mood and what the food is. How about hot or cold types of beverages? usually cold.

What’s one disgusting habit you have or have had? i didn’t shower as much as i necessarily should have when i was younger just because i couldn’t get myself to care about anything. Do you tend to be harder on yourself than you need to be? oh definitely. About what are you exceptionally confident or self-assured? that i’m a good mom to my kids. and i make some awesome pancakes. lol. Who last told you to do something and did you do it? jacob told me to do his laundry, and it’s drying as we speak. What was the last situation or person you “got over?” i don’t know that i’ve gotten over anything or anyone lately... work in progress. Are you generally good at letting go of people who’re bad for you? not usually. Have you ever felt as though you were unrecognizable to yourself? pretty often, yes. What’re some things people could guess by looking at you? i’m tired. lol.

Are you bothered by any of your physical features? my weight. my overall face.

Are romantic relationships important to you at this point in your life? well, yes. not that it seems all that important to him.

Who was the last person to apologize to you for something they did? i don’t remember.

[cipherr]

1-26, 37-45, 70-92, 94. :)

OMG THANK YOU sorry it took me so long to get to this :’)) I WAS PLAYING STAR WARS LOL

under a cut bc... loNG....

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? i actually don’t use any of these and never have LOL

is your room messy or clean?it is...incredibly messy....-sweats-

what color are your eyes?i always say they’re greyish blue? like def blue but not BLUE blue, so i dunno. depends on the lighting of course.

do you like your name? why?iiiii hate it :’) i just think it’s not very pretty sounding, and no one ever pronounces it right for some reason even though yOU’D THINK IT’D BE PRETTY OBVIOUS. so it gets mispronounced and misspelled all the time and i’m just over it tbh

what is your relationship status? single as fucc my dudes

describe your personality in 3 words or lessfriendly, shy, weird??? idk :’D

what color hair do you have?naturally it’s kind of a medium brown but i have the bottom half bleached blonde, i’m hoping to get more blonde tho

what kind of car do you drive? color?a pearl white Subaru SVX c:

where do you shop?i don’t really have any specific stores because there isn’t anything in my hometown lmao everything i wear at this point in my life was either given as a gift or t-shirts/hoodies from high school/dance class/college/etc, idk i’m a mess

how would you describe your style?Comfortable Depression(TM)

favorite social media accountas in like, a famous person’s social media account? or social media in general? i love Mark Hamill’s twitter and tumblr is my fave site, so :’D

what size bed do you have? full

any siblings?two half sisters, a half brother, a step brother

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?i just want a cabin in a forest on a mountain, i literally don’t care where, that’s ALL I WANT

favorite snapchat filter? i always like the kitty ones c:

favorite makeup brand(s)i’m not really into makeup lmao i use whatever i can find at walmart basically, i’m a cheap bitch

how many times a week do you shower?3 unless i’m actually doing stuff and getting gross

favorite tv show?i haven’t watched tv in a long-ass time LMAO i guess i like Say Yes to the Dress? and also those stupid paranormal investigation shows, i don’t even remember what any of them are called but i always get a kick out of those lol

shoe size?like...5 1/2.... don’t lauGH AT MY TINY FEET

how tall are you?5′1, which explains my tiny feet :’D

sandals or sneakers? sandals

do you go to the gym? NOPE LMAO DO MY NOODLE ARMS LOOK LIKE THEY COULD LIFT WEIGHTS

describe your dream datepicnic on a mountaintop somewhere and it’s not too hot or too cold and it’s peaceful and relaxing and aaaaaaa

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?two bucks, i wish i was kidding but that’s all i got :’)

what color socks are you wearing? none at the moment, it was hOT today

how many pillows do you sleep with?uuuuuh six :’DD

(sorry for the formatting weirdness lmao)

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? no i don’t ;w; i haven’t read in a long long time. i can’t even pick a favorite because it’s just been so long.38. money or brains? tbh, call me shallow, but money. brains are all well and good but what’s really important is neither money nor brains anyway so i’D RATHER LIVE A CUSHY LIFE WITH SOMEONE GOOD AND SWEET AND DUMB THAN MEAN AND NASTY AND SMART LMAO39. do you have a nickname? what is it? don’t really have one anymore, but for tumblr purposes just ‘cipher’ will do :’D40. how many times have you been to the hospital?as in, admitted to the hospital for my own health reasons, just twice i think41. top 10 favorite songsthere’s no way i can pick my top favorites of all time because i just love so many, but ten of my recent faves in general, in no particular order;Edge of the Blade - Epica; Ghost in the Mist - Lacuna Coil; Mechanical Love - In This Moment; Gasoline - Halsey; Green Light - Lorde; Black Magic - Little Mix; Wilson - Fall Out Boy; Oh Lord - In This Moment; Peace of Mind - Boston; Miami 2017 - Billy Joel42. do you take any medications daily? no but i probably should be on medication tbh43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)i don’t really know? i’m not exceptionally oily OR dry44. what is your biggest fear? being alone in life :’)45. how many kids do you want? none, ugh

70. what was the last concert you saw? Epica and Lacuna Coil!71. tea or coffee?coffee72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?STARBUCKSSSS73. do you want to get married?yeh ;w; i’m really worried it’ll never happen though dlkajsfslk74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?don’t have one rn75. are you going to change your last name when you get married? it’d have to be a really fuckin good last name, i’m really attached to mine and i can’t see myself changing it :’D76. what color looks best on you? baby blue or red tbh77. do you miss anyone right now? not really78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?closed, i’m not a FOOL79. do you believe in ghosts?i wouldn’t say i believe, necessarily, but if something weird were to happen to me that i couldn’t explain or seemed like something commonly associated with spiritual activity or w/e i would probably believe it tbh. like, i’d have to see it to believe it, but i would if i did :’D80. what is your biggest pet peeve? i guess immaturity from people who are REALLY supposed to fuckin know better81. last person you called?@seabunnii!! =^~^=

82. favorite ice cream flavor? MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP or just regular chocolate83. regular oreos or golden oreos? regular84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? chocolate, i am a chocoholic :’D85. what shirt are you wearing? it’s like a sorta seafoam green hoodie from Topsail Island86. what is your phone background?.....Lana Beniko LMAO at least one of them is, anyway87. are you outgoing or shy?i’m shy as hell :’)88. do you like it when people play with your hair?yesss as long as they’re careful about it and not tangling it up *~*89. do you like your neighbors? yeah they’re nice c:90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?night usually91. have you ever been high? no, i’m personally against drugs myself. idc what other people do with their lives but i don’t want any part of it and i don’t want to be around it, that’s just me92. have you ever been drunk?a couple of times, but i can’t drink anymore anyway :’D

94. favorite lyrics right nowgodddd i can never pick favorites...so the first that come to mind:The shot you took was overdueIt’s a good thing I am made of scar tissue

thanks for asking!!! :DD I LOVE DOING THESE LOL

[andisinger]

Ch. 1

This is the first chapter of A Horror Story that I’ve been writing. You can read the full story on wattpad, https://www.wattpad.com/954534334-a-horror-story-1 , or Archiveofourown, https://archiveofourown.org/works/14957675  

     I walked out of my dull, gray, college as the final bell rang in the background. Already, all ages from 18-22, were talking to their friends and walking to their cars with their keys jingling in their palms. I smiled at one of my friends, with short brown hair and mom jeans and a tank top, that I barely talked to; after getting to my gold, eighteen year old car, Martha, my cousin texted me asking for a ride. I texted her back to tell her where my car was. I unlocked my small, old, hanging door to put my galaxy designed, heavy backpack into the backseat. Martha came around the corner of the school, waving her arms and yelling towards me.

“Hey!”. I smiled and watched, waiting for her to hurry up. Her sandy blonde hair bounced lightly as the wind blew the perfectly imperfect curls bounced and waved across her face. Her dress was black but she had a red skater skirt underneath to make it “school appropriate”. She panted lightly as her Doc Martens padded gently against the concrete. Cars of all shapes, sizes, and colors drove away at all different speeds, mostly in the high twenties or thirties to escape the hell we had all attended for seven to eight hours not long before. 

    “You ready to go home?” I asked her getting in my car. She nodded and jerked the locked passenger side door handle. I always only ever kept my driver door unlocked so I chuckled. “Gotcha.” I joked and pushed the unlock button forward while hopping in and starting my car. Her small hum and nice cold air flowing throughout the car created a pleasant change from the boiling air and wind brewing and stewing in the sun outside. I quickly drove through the parking lot and onto the road. Martha typed on her new Iphone then turned up my speakers. The music began to bump in the back as she smiled and rolled down the window and sang along. Smiling with her, I began to horribly sing along while driving the legal fifteen miles an hour in the high school zone that I had left two years ago and being stopped by numerous crossing guards for children who either started high school or didn’t have a car, or, they parked in the church parking lot about half a mile down the road. I took a right turn at the small road and continued to drive towards my home. Once at home, Martha and I hung out for a while, relaxing for a short while, then turning to focus on our homework for college anatomy class. I highlighted throughout my medical anatomy book and sighed as I turned the page. Empty of the green I used to identify the different ligaments, muscles, and bolded words. I used the yellow to highlight where the said ligaments, muscles and other things were strung out through the body. The orange was how the bolded words were described as looking like. But this new page was different, even if only for a moment. I continued to highlight until Martha spoke up. 

“Should we get food?” I looked at her. 

“Without a doubt, yes.” I looked out of my window from my bed and saw it was night time now. I felt confused then looked at my clock; 9:43. I rolled onto my back and put my hands on my eyes.     I thought sleep could wait; opening my eyes, I was confused; confused about how it was night and how Martha and I had been studying all day, from 2:15 to now and my brain didn’t hurt. I was especially shocked at how my brain didn’t hurt because, aside from the constant stream of knowledge for six plus hours, the serious lack of decent sleep. Furrowing my brows, Martha came back into the room with her Ipad and her credit card. 

“Should I really stay in?” I asked rolling my hair to the opposite side of my part on my scalp. She looked at me oddly and chuckled. 

“Who doesn’t want a good TV show and some heavily greased pizza.” She said but also questioned. I nodded and agreed.

”Okay”. Sighing, I looked at the Golden Retriever pup that was sneaking in through the open door. His tail wagged happily as he hopped up on my bed, startling Martha. Bright smiles were instantly plastered across our faces while Beaux panted and his tail wagged. Both of our hands reached out to touch the soft tufts of fur on his neck. 

“He looks like a lion.” Martha said in a sweet voice as she kissed his nose. I smiled and agreed once more.

“A young lion that hasn’t grown into his mane yet.” 

“I ordered the pizza, what Tv show do we want?” She questioned. I thought for a moment of a tv show we could both enjoy and were about in the same place.

“How about Pretty Little Liars?” I asked leaning back on my elbows and looking at her. 

“Why?”, Martha started pouting.

“No one in high school dresses like that. Or looks like that.” She said, to which I agreed. 

“No one in high school wears that much makeup and never does their homework only to stay up until five in the morning just chasing around a suspected kidnapper slash murderer.” I continued. I instantly thought that I went into too much detail about why I thought the show was dumb and mentally kicked myself for doing it again. I always did that; I thought too much and kicked on the joke for as long as I could. I bit my lip as Martha went quiet.

 “I think the show is a little full on itself because of how-” I looked at Martha, not knowing what she said but surprised of how she always knew when I didn’t feel the best of myself. Beaux began to whine and we looked at him. As young or old as he is, a little over a year now, he still thinks he needs to be the center of attention. Both Martha and I petted him again, sending him onto his back to pet his tummy. Smiling and laughing we both heard the doorbell at the backdoor. 

     “I got it!” I said hopping up quickly as she continued to pet Beaux and speaking to him in baby talk. My little white, fat Maltese followed behind me, barking loudly, sounding like a chicken. 

“Pinky, hush.” I said opening the door, smiling at the heavier man in a red shirt holding a black bag for the pizza box. 

“A large, pepperoni pizza, with extra garlic dipping sauce.” I smiled and nodded.

 “Alright, here you go. Enjoy.” I took the pizza inside towards my bedroom. The lights were turned off and a very ominous tune of piano and cello sounded as I sat on the bed. 

“Pizza?” I questioned, the box was set between us with my laptop at our knees. The pizza slowly disappeared throughout the night as only occasional funny requotings from me and comments about how Martha liked someone’s outfit. At about three in the morning, Martha had gone to sleep and I was almost on the trail behind her. I tried to push myself and make some coffee in the kitchen before the backdoor opened with a squeak from the storm door before a hard push finally got the door open. The sound got the dogs barking up a storm waking up Martha. My head shot towards the door to see my brother in his work clothes and boots, with dark stains covering his hands and arms, petting Beaux and kneeling on the fireplace. 

“Hey Michael!” Martha said, rubbing her eyes. 

“Is that coffee?” She asked, looking at me but walking towards Michael. 

“It is.” 

I said closing my lips tightly, I had a feeling that as soon as Michael came home, Martha would instantly flock to him and I wouldn’t see her again for a while. I made myself a cup of Joe with real sugar, and also creamer. Drinking it slowly, I enjoyed the flavor, the intensity of the black coffee, with the lightness of the sugar and creamer mix. Martha and Michael caught up while I stood in the kitchen, my body exhausted and my brain beginning to ache. The feeling of hot coffee in my belly helped the feeling of my skull expanding as Martha shot into the kitchen for a mug. Moving out of the way, Michael followed our cousin and smiled at me. 

“What up, dude?” He asked. I swallowed my mouthful and repeated his question. Once Martha’s coffee was made, she mentioned something about a going to graduation field trip. Which was odd to me because we would be in graduation in almost a month. 

“But we’ll be in our careers in a little bit.” I said drinking my coffee, Martha looked at me with her brows dropped and a discouraged look. 

“No, this is a summer thing. I guess you could say it’s a week or two without parents.” She explained. 

“Okay, cool.” I said with my new current understanding that there will most likely be sex, drugs, etc. I assumed I wasn’t invited because I was never really into that kind of thing. I simply couldn’t wrap my head around the fact and interest of drinking and getting high, or feeling like I was floating or seeing weird, crazy things on some sort of pill or tablet. 

“You want to go with us?” Martha asked. I assumed she was asking Michael because I was looking down into my coffee and swirling it into a circle. Looking up, she lifted her brows at me. “Me?” I asked, lifting my brows in return. She nodded excitedly to which I nodded also excited. 

A few weeks later, we graduated from our small shabby college and we were ready for our trip the next morning. Martha and I were at her house, a small warm place that smelt permanently of  marshmallows. Her room was bright as the bags under my eyes felt larger with each passing minute. During graduation, I was hardly able to keep my eyes open but I luckily managed to force my way through the hour and a half escapade of shit. The sun made the curtains look like an angel was guarding me for a little while, which I felt was all I needed. To be safe for just a little while, just a short thirty minutes or so. Laying on my back, the few sentences Lisa said to me made little sense as I closed my eyes without realizing. Falling fast asleep, I could feel every muscle in my shoulders and my back relaxing. The sensation made my body feel warm; like a blanket from the inside. I smiled as I slept, so Martha said. The next thing I knew, my cousin was shaking me awake, which startled and scared me. 

“I’m sorry to wake you, but Derek’s here.” The smile on her face said it all. This guy, Derek, she had met in her final semester at college in one of her classes. I forget which class she said it was, but all she could do is describe how perfect he was. His hair, his scruff, his few tattoos that he had; my cousin just knew that I would fall in love with him the moment I saw him. 

I got off the bed in excitement. 

“How’s my hair?” I wondered while smiling. The time that I usually spent working at my barn, I always had ratty, unkempt hair and I never really thought anything of it, so I always had to ask my fashionista of a cousin how I looked so I knew I looked presentable. 

“Brush it.” Martha demanded handing me the brush off her armoire. I brushed my long hair quickly. 

“Better?” I asked, holding my arms out, I still felt so nervous but I wasn’t quite sure why. Martha smiled and gave me two-thumbs up. Finally going downstairs, I was so nervous, I felt like I wanted to back out. As I came around the corner of the stairs, laughter could be heard from my aunt and uncle in the kitchen. My black boots were sticking slightly to the floor, as my cousin was so excited that she held my hand and would occasionally turn to me with her bright, grey eyes and a large smile to match. My heart was pounding in, what felt like, my throat as I turned the corner into the kitchen. The sunlight reaching through the large, farm style window swallowed the room with everyone inside. My aunt smiled at me with a welcome hug before introducing the handsome man sitting at the bar. 

“This is Derek. Derek, this is my niece, Annabel.” Sticking his hand out, I took it with a tight grip. Just like my mother taught me.

“Ana, nice to meet you.” I said looking into his sparkling grey eyes.  They just looked so bright and welcoming. His black hair was covered in a maroon beanie and his arms were crossed, resting on the counter, showing he was comfortable. His smile exposed his bright flawless teeth. He shook my hand quickly before I dropped his hand. Looking back to my cousin quickly, I could feel his eyes on me then his head moved back towards my cousin. 

“My bags are all packed. I’m ready to go.” She said with a bright smile. She stood on her toes then rolled back onto her heels. 

“Are you ready, Ana?” I nodded with a large smile on my mouth as I crossed my arms in front of my chest. 

“I just have to grab my stuff from upstairs.” I told my cousin, to which she promptly turned and walked quickly upstairs, leaving me awkwardly with my Aunt and Uncle and stranger but possible partner. 

“I saw your graduation! You looked beautiful.” My aunt said with a bright smile as she leaned back gently against the counter behind her. 

“Thank you.” I said nodding then returning to the silence around us. Once my cousin returned as soon as our quick conversation was over. 

“Let’s go.” Martha said, holding my pink backpack in her hands. All my clothes for the next week and a half. I let Martha lead the way out the door and as I held the door open for her, I felt a hand on my back. I turned to look at the owner of the hand to see Derek smiling at me. I turned back to walk out the door with my cheeks burning. In the bright driveway was parked a large van. It was obviously a few years old but looked very clean and well taken care of. Martha slung the back door of the van open and hopped inside. I was following her until I saw Lisa’s boyfriend in the backseat already. I smiled and waved to him once I saw him. Obviously, Shane and Derek were friends and had the same class as Martha otherwise, I doubt Shane would be here. Asking for my bag from Martha, I took it from her hands then turned to open the door. Derek stood there silently with the door handle in his hand and the van door wide open. 

“Thank you.” I said slightly shocked before getting into the front seat. 

“You’re welcome.” Derek said to me with a smile before closing my door. Turning around to my cousin, I smiled. 

“I like him.” I said nervously. Martha and Shane smiled with me until Derek got in the driver's seat. 

“Everyone buckled and ready?” He asked only earning everyone's “yes”; turning on the van, taking us to our vacation. 

“So, where are we going for this vacation?” I asked, looking around me. 

“We found this awesome abandoned summer camp.” Martha said. 

“How far away is it?” I questioned. 

“Like 8, 9 hours away.” Derek said taking a right out of Martha’s neighborhood. 

“Anyone else going to be there?” I asked. 

“A few more couples should meet us there. They might already be there.” Shane said answering the last of my questions. Feeling awkward in the quiet, Derek handed me a thin, black cord that fed into the van. Taking it from him, I plugged it into my headphone jack then chose an app specifically for music. Loud, happy, exciting music bounced through the back of the van and drowned out Martha and Shane’s talking. I could hear Derek humming along with the song before I decided to break the ice. 

“What’s your major?” I asked looking over at him. His profile was amazingly handsome; his nose was perfect, no imperfections that I could visibly see. He smiled and looked at me, “Anesthesiologist.” I nodded with a smile. 

“What about you, Ana?” He questioned, the sound of his voice was incredible; a deep, sultry, almost dirty and gravelly. 

“Radiology.” He looked at me before leaving his right hand on the steering wheel and then looked at me with a half smile and covered half of his lips with his left hand then returning his eyes back to the road. 

“Emergency or Pediatric?” He asked as we got onto the expressway. 

“Neither, Ultrasound tech.” I watched the cars drive past us quickly on either side of us, in every lane. The sky above us was a bright blue color with the occasional white cloud that would float in front of the sun to shade our spot of the earth for such a short time. The beautiful sight combined with the sounds of the music made for a perfect drive. Derek and I would occasionally turn our heads to look at each other then I would immediately look away blushing. 

Once we stopped for gas, Martha and Shane offered to pump it, to which Derek gratefully agreed. Walking inside of the small shop, I looked around for snacks and a drink. Grabbing barbecue twists, water, and many other snacks, I walked to the front counter with my wallet. “Will this be all for you?” The woman asked kindly as she scanned the items on the counter. The woman’s eyes looked from me to someone behind me; then I suddenly felt a hand on my back, turning quickly to see who it was, I was greeted with Derek. 

“Hi.” I said with a smile. 

“Hi.” Derek responded with a smile as well. 

“Your total is $23.42.” The clerk said. I went to open my wallet quickly but Derek interrupted my actions.

“Allow me.” I looked to see what he was doing and saw he was pulling cash out of his wallet then handing it to the kind clerk. 

“No, Derk, I can’t let you do that.” I said turning to him. 

“Ana, it’s our first date. It’s my honor.” He said with that familiar smirk. Smiling to myself, I nodded. 

“Okay.” The clerk handed me a crinkling bag of snacks before Derek and I left with a “Thank you.” Martha and Shane passed Derek and myself on our way back to the van. Sitting inside, next to Derek, we sat talking while Martha and Shane got their snacks. The next thing I knew, we were back on the road with the music playing, Derek and I talking and the front windows down. Before I knew it, it was dusk and we were still on the road. 

“Hey, we only have a few hours left in this drive. Not too much further.” I looked over to Derek with an exhausted smile. Martha and Shane were still talking in the back but I just felt so tired. “Go ahead and go to sleep. I’ll wake you up once we get there.” Derek said calmly in his deep voice. I nodded, closing my eyes. My body relaxed after a while and I was off in a dreamless sleep. 

I was suddenly being shaken. A man’s voice near me, loud laughter off in the distance, bright lights surrounded me. As I blinked, my vision cleared and before me was Derek. 

“Good morning. Or night rather. We made it.” He said smiling. Looking around, I saw at least four more cars with their lights on. Martha and Shane were greeting their friends while Derek and I were close to each other in the van. 

“What time is it?” I asked. 

“10 or 11.” He responded before helping me out of the van. Humming, I looked at everyone, some I recognized and others I didn’t. Eva walked over to me with a wide smile and her arms open. 

“Ana!” She said embracing me. I hugged her back then looked at her with a smile. 

“You look beautiful!I haven’t seen you in forever!” I said happily looking up and down at her. Her caramel colored skin and beautiful black hair with her dark green eyes. 

“This is Derek. Derek, this is Eva. We’re friends from high school.” I said. Eva and Derek shook hands then nodded happily. 

“Ana, this is Karey.” A black haired girl with almost completely white skin and bright, straight teeth shook my hand. After I met everyone in a quick blur, we all sat around a fire that was made quickly. The yellow fire had bits of red sparkling through it as we roasted marshmallows and cooked hotdogs or ate whatever snacks we had. 

Couples sat in different positions; Martha was sitting on Shane’s lap, Eva was sitting between Shawn’s legs, Karey was wrapped in Josh’s arms, the other couples' names that I had already forgotten were cuddled in a blanket while Derek and I mimicked Eva and Shawn. Derek was warm behind me and the fire was warm and burning in front of me. All couples could talk for hours. It must be at least 2 or 3 in the morning because the fire was dying. Some of the men went for wood nearby to throw on the fire. Just as our conversations and laughter were fading out, a couple stood and offered a brown bottle and a pipe, exciting the group with hollering and cheers. I sat quietly with a smile on my face and then looked at my cousin. She shook her head referring to the drugs and alcohol. Looking up at Derek, a smile was on his face, I suddenly felt nervous, I hated being around people when they drank or were under the influence. As the bottle was passed to us, I heard Derek take it and immediately pass it to the couple next to us. Derek bent down next to my ear then spoke quietly.

Want to go to the van?” Looking up at him once more, I nodded. Getting up, I heard encouraging words directed towards both Derek and myself to which I blushed. Getting back to the van, Derek threw the back door open to put the back seats down for a makeshift bed. 

“Come on in.” He said. Smiling to myself, I got in behind him then sat next to him. For the next few hours, while everyone drank and smoked, which I could easily smell in the van from where we were a good distance away, Derek and I talked for a long time. Not about anything in particular, just talking about life, hopes and dreams, among other things. Before I could realize what was happening, Derek and I had our lips pressed together. Kissing each other passionately, it felt right, it felt good and correct. Pulling away, I licked my lips then smiled. Derek’s hot breath gently brushed my long hair past my shoulders as he chuckled with a smile. 

I felt that neither of us knew what to say so we just gently put our hands on each other and kissed again. The kissing seemed to never end as I went on my back while continuing to move our lips in sync with each other. A sound from outside of the van made me pull away. 

“Did you hear that?” I asked. Derek pulled away to listen with me; I felt like something was watching us. I felt unsafe as Derek sat on his knees above me. 

“It might just be the wind or someone peeing in the woods.”He said. 

“No. I..I think there’s something out there.” I sat sitting up on my elbows looking out the side window. Listening carefully, anxiety and fear swelled in my chest, pushing my stomach up into my throat causing my breathing and heart rate to increase significantly. With a sudden crash, Shawn slammed himself on the window causing me to jump and scream. Hearing his drunken laughter, I cursed at him. 

“Fuck you, Shawn! You scared the shit out of me!” Putting my hand on my chest, I put my head down while Derek opened the door then closed it. I assumed to applaud him but, to my disillusion, Derek was shoving the drunken fool. Some of the girls were yelling trying to pull them off of each other while some of the boys were laughing, still off their ass drunk or high. Opening the door quickly, I ran over attempting to stop the, what was about to be, fight. 

“Derek!” I yelled repeatedly while listening to the two boys, with raging testosterone. “What the fuck, man? Way to be mature.” Derek said pushing him by the chest, sending Shawn to the dirty ground. 

“Why do you care? You’ve never met her before? It was just a fucking joke.” Shawn said, stumbling to his feet. 

“You’re drunk.” Derek said, starting to walk away while shaking his head. 

“You-” Shawn started until Derek turned around with such an angry, hard look on his face. A familiar feeling of fear swept through me simply from the amount of anger spread on his face alone. Shawn saw and sensed it too and stopped his sentence in advance. Shawn was caught off guard and fell back once more but not to the ground. 

“I’ll back off, man.” The drunken idiot said before turning around chuckling. Once again, Derek turned to me. Wrapping my arms around myself, my eyes looked at the ground. Brown leaves of every kind of tree in the forest around us. A hand fell gently on my back once more and I shied away from it. Sighing, Derek put his hands on his hips. I could hear him lick his lips while the fire crackled in the distance and all the friends were asking if Shawn was okay. The laughter quickly returned before I walked back to the van with Derek. I silently got ready to go to bed as it was early in the morning and I was still exhausted. 

“Ana, please.” Looking at him, I smiled weakly. 

“What?” I questioned while returning to my bag. The softest night shorts anyone has ever felt and they were super cheap; the wonders of Walmart. A night sweater to match. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me.” He said sitting still and gently playing with the lining of the open sleeping bag beneath us. 

“It’s fine but, I mean, I don’t know why you did that. I mean, Shawn is right; you barely know me. You’ve only met me this morning.” I stated while taking off my black, shredded shorts. Quickly putting on my light, baby pink shorts, My top was next; shredding myself of my long sleeve, striped blouse, I covered myself quickly before hiding from Derek’s eyes and everyone else’s as well. Then putting my matching pajama sweater on, I looked at Derek. He was leaning against the driver’s seat looking at me with his knee resting against the driver side rear door of the van. 

“Look Ana, I didn’t have a great childhood. I watched my mom be beaten and abused by my dad and almost every other guy that came into her life. I-” Before he could finish his sentence, I interrupted him. 

“I want to go to bed. Please." I felt so awkward and in an uncomfortable situation as I have never been in anything closely resembling this. Never in my entire, 22 years of life, have I witnessed someone talking to me in such a desperate tone. Derek nodded and agreed. Laying down facing the passenger side rear door, I was covered with a whoosh of cold air then the familiar warm comfort of another sleeping bag in addition to the unfamiliar feeling of a warm body against my back and wrapped around my torso. A hand underneath the pillow my head was on with my eyes closed while another hand was laced with my own near my breasts that were only covered by my thin night hoodie sweater thing. Almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was fast asleep.

[cliche-ish]

Be comfortable in my own skin color

I was born with darker skin than most people in my country and than my culture’s beauty standard. My family and neighbors called me by the nickname “Đen”’, which means “dark skin” in a negative way and also the black color in my language. They even made up a chant that included all the worst quality possible of multiple body parts. It was something like “Bald head, protruding forehead, short nose, dark skin, slanted eyes.” Is that a haiku lol? In my culture, it is believed that you should not call a baby “cute” or “adorable” no matter if the baby is cute or not, because that can jinx it. Yup, calling a baby “cute” is believed to be all it takes to turn the baby into an ugly looking monster later... Instead, it is preferred to always call babies “ugly”. So even though I had none of those characteristics but the dark skin, that chant was my life theme song for a while. At least that was the reasoning of the people I grew up with. That chant was sung to me up until I was about as young as I can remember, maybe 4 or 5 years old. After that, the chant stopped, except for the dark skin part. The dark skin matter haunted me up to high school. 

In Vietnam and most East Asian countries, people are obsessed with having fair, pale, light skin. That is THE beauty standard for Vietnamese women. Beauty salons and cosmetic spas offer a wide variety of skin whitening procedures and products. Dark skin also means ugliness. It is the last thing you want to have if you are a girl or women there. What is worse, it was deemed to be associated with lower social status. People saw my dark skin and made rash assumptions (did I see a pun?) that I was poor and not well educated, because I had to work outdoor, laborious, manual jobs as a kid to help the family. That’s the stereotype. One time I went to the dentist for a quick simple procedure. During the procedure, the dentist said my skin was so dark, I must come from Miền Tây, which is a region where many people were poor farmers back then. (Reminder, I was born and raised in a middle class family in the biggest city in Vietnam, went to the top schools, and the only work I really had to do was homework and some housework.) I felt so offended, yet couldn’t correct her because my mouth was help open by a cheek retractor.

I saw many TV ads about skin lightening lotions and cosmetic procedures. I was still a teenager, so I could only ask my Mom if she could buy me the lotions. It was a big deal, because at that time in our culture, teenage girls were usually not allowed to use any cosmetic products, like makeup, hair dye, or nail polish. So I gathered all my courage to ask her to buy me those lotions. To my surprise, my Mom agreed to buy and let me use the skin lightening products. She probably wanted the best for me. I did use them, but didn’t really see any improvement. I thought it was probably because I was an active, sporty, outdoorsy girl who was out in the tropical sun the whole time lol. So my skin was still dark, and I was teased all the time. When I was little, I was so sad. When I was a little older, I just laughed along on the outside, but came home and cried alone in the bathroom. There were days I felt so shitty and so insecure about the way I looked, wondering why I was born like this. Once I became insecure and conscious about my appearance, it spiraled and more stuff was added to the list of things I was ashamed about: my fat ass (I have a pear-shaped body), my weird jaw (I have an asymmetrical face, you know, like a normal person), my body hair (who doesn’t have that), etc. That list got expanded quickly, as my self-esteem was shrinking substantially.

I started to gain a tiny bit more confidence in high school. I saw a few women on the street rocking their tanned skin with great sense of fashion and bold choice of color, looking like they were joyfully living their lives. Even though they loook different from the many other women out there, their confidence was beaming radiantly, and so I thought I wanted to be like that one day.

But it was when I moved to the U.S. that I truly became confident about the way I look. No one in the U.S. really teased me about my dark skin any more. People even approached me and complimented on how pretty I was. That never happened! I never thought of myself as “pretty”. That was when it hit me. Back in Vietnam my tint was somewhere further towards the end of that normal distribution of skin shade spectrum. That does make me more uncommon but in no way abnormal or ugly. But when I left home and moved to the U.S., a beautifully diverse country, I got shifted to somewhere in the middle, more common area of the spectrum. My point is, the spectrum, the standard, the perception of beauty, they’re all relative and changing all the time. It’s never going to be enough if I keep on chasing these ever-changing standards. I cannot be super skinny while also have an ass. I cannot have light skin while also getting that summer hot tan look. And every body is different, so what works for you might not work for me. I can’t let a few people decide what I and all billions of women in the world should look like to get the world’s approval. What best determines my worth is how I perceive myself. I am pretty and happy when I feel pretty and happy about myself. I’m in shape. Pear’s a shape. Body hair is not abnormal. It’s there for important functions, and we’re more closely related to chimpanzee, not dolphins. 🙂 Each and every part of my body is important, functional, unique, and a part of me. I appreciate them.

My appearance has changed a lot in the past few years, not because it finally adheres to new, updated beauty standards, but because I have learned to love myself, be comfortable in my own skin, and make myself prettier and healthier for me. I look up on what type of clothing fits my body shape. I cut my hair short, because short hair fits my personality and makes me feel like me. I eat right and work out to stay healthy, not because I want to get rid of my fat thighs. I appreciate and love my dark brown skin more than ever before. I look healthy, glowing, and sun-kissed without even trying, and never get sunburn. I mean, what is there to be upset about? I care less about what people think or comment on my appearance, if it is not objective or constructive. (i.e. “Why don’t you wear more makeup?” versus “I have this lipstick color that I think will fit you great.”) I spend more time enjoying life now rather than worrying over things about me that I think people think. I also realized people don’t really pay that much attention. It was just me paying too much attention and scrutinizing my own flaws. I learn to appreciate the diversity of body shape, and strike down those stereotypes or biases that being slim means healthy or being plus-size means you cannot be sexy or healthy or strong. (There is a scientific study about how body type is not a good indicator of health.) I look perfectly fine, and I will never let anyone tell me I am ugly, or not worth it, or not going to make it, because of how I look. And because of how shitty those mean comments made me feel, I promise to never let anyone treat others the same way, to say “I love your [...]. It’s pretty.” when I find something about someone pretty, and to be mindful and every time I am about comment on someone’s appearance.

There have been hopeful, progressive, and empowering changes that took place to challenge the culture based on toxic beauty standards. Several days ago I came across a news article about a decision made by Johnson & Johnson to stop selling skin-whitening creams, as a response to the Black Lives Matter movement. But it is also a great win for women in these countries, as such products had been feeding the toxic culture and the media that shames women for their look.

Recently, my Mom told me about a Vietnamese woman named H’Hen Niê. She is a Vietnamese beauty pageant who was crowned Miss Universe Vietnam 2018, and she was slaying it! She was widely recognized and loved by the Vietnamese people as she smashed every single Vietnamese beauty standards for being a minority with short hair and dark skin. Models who are plus-size, wear hijabs, have skin defects or disabilities are showing up more on American brands where I shop for my clothes. Finally, there are women on covers and who represents and advocates all girls and women of all shapes, sizes, colors, and cultures. Representation matters, because you can visualize yourself there, it’s easier to get there. This is so that more young girls and women would see “There’s someone who looks like me and she’s killing it.” Hopefully, they would feel less worthless, ashamed, and insecure about their features that society should not get to judge or label, and more inspired and empowered to love themselves and be proud of who they are. We have come a long way, and we still have a long way to go and a lot to do, but I’m optimistic that we are on our right track to building a better world for many young girls and women. 

Photos of kick-ass women: Left to right, H’hen Niê, Zozibini Tunzi (South African woman to be crowned Miss Universe 2019 who has been openly advocating and celebrating “black girl magic”), Halima Aden (first Muslim model to wear hijab in Sport Illustrated Swimsuit), Thando Hopa (firsl albino model to be on Vogue cover), Winnie Harlow (internationally recognized supermodel with vitiligo), Ashley Graham (plus-size model, covergirl, and TV presenter who hosts a section on the Ellen DeGeneres’s site, theellentube.com) 

[bondsmagii]

here’s the rest of those questions because I can’t resist a challenge

1: Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

I don’t actually use any of them... used to use Spotify until it betrayed me by capping me at 10hrs of music a month. like bitch I listen to 10hrs in a day lmao. at the time I couldn’t even afford the small monthly charge so I stopped using it and now my petty ass won’t give them a penny.

2: is your room messy or clean?

clean but cluttered. there’s nothing gross like trash or used plates, but there’s a lot of random stacks of paper, books, notes, etc. it’s alright at the moment seems there’s been a recent tidy, but usually it’s very cluttered.

3: what color are your eyes?

green! I also have heterochromia, so there’s a thin ring of brown around both irises, and a small slice of brown in one eye.

5: what is your relationship status? 

dating @karlacton​ and have been since 2015!

7: what color hair do you have?

it’s black, which is pretty cool. emo me loved it.

8: what kind of car do you drive? color?

I drive a renault and it’s silver!

9: where do you shop?

like.. for what? groceries? clothes? books? because aside from “tesco” I couldn’t tell you, it’s usually all online. if I’m splashing out on books I’ll go to Waterstone’s.

11: favorite social media account

I hate them all. release me.

12: what size bed do you have?

a queen, I think? or a double? I don’t even know if there’s a difference.

13: any siblings?

one older brother, deceased.

15: favorite snapchat filter?

I don’t have snapchat.

16: favourite makeup brand(s)

I don’t know shit about makeup.

17: how many times a week do you shower?

it sounds bad because it averages out to three or four times a week, but when you remember that my days are frequently 36-48hrs long, it averages out to about every other day.

18: favorite tv show?

I don’t own a TV or keep up with much shows, but I do binge-watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

19: shoe size?

uk size 7.

21: sandals or sneakers?

sneakers. fuck sandals.

22: do you go to the gym?

lmao

23: describe your dream date

good food, scary movies, urbexing, driving around to good music, more good food. an equal balance of opportunity to talk and opportunity to see if the silence is comfortable.

24: how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

I don’t carry cash. or a wallet, for that matter.

25: what color socks are you wearing?

black.

27: do you have a job? what do you do?

I do, but I can’t go into specific details. it’s to do with computers and security.

28: how many friends do you have?

I got no fucking clue my dude. depending on the definition of friend, anywhere between 2 to 15 or so.

29: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

you’d probably have to ask somebody else if I’m honest, I don’t have a good grasp of what’s actually bad or not lol. there’s stuff I might consider bad for a while, but then I get over it and stop seeing it as such a big deal. there’s some stuff that might count from a legal standpoint, in terms of like I don’t know, how seriously it would be taken, but I’m not sure of the statute of limitations on it so fuck if I’m mentioning it.

32: 3 favorite girl names?

saoirse, vesper, oksana

35: who is your celebrity crush?

bitch colin firth

37: do you read a lot? what’s your favorite book?

I read a hell of a lot, usually between 2-4 books at the same time. as for favourites I have way too many, so if you wan recs keep an eye on my reading list and see what I’m screaming about.

38: money or brains?

brains. if you play your cards right, brains can get money.

39: do you have a nickname? what is it?

people who know me in other places call me Rat, either because I like the animal or because of the hacker from The Core; people who know me from the SCP Foundation call me Konny or Kon, after the character.

41: top 10 favorite songs

right now: 

Space Oddity by David Bowie

Never Quite Free by The Mountain Goats

We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel

The Longest Time by Billy Joel

Brothers on a Hotel Bed by Death Cab For Cutie

Blame by Bastille

Tomorrow Will Be Kinder by The Secret Sisters

Nothing to Remember by Neko Case

All Alright by fun.

The Spine Song by Cake Bake Betty

this changes like, daily, by the way.

42: do you take any medications daily?

nope.

43: what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

normal? bit dry in some places at the moment though, but it always is at this time of the year -- the cold air coming down from the mountains will blast freeze anyone’s skin.

44: what is your biggest fear? 

the current rise in fascism erupting into another world war or holocaust.

45: how many kids do you want?

ideally I would have wanted two or three, but life circumstances have made it so it’s best I don’t have children, unfortunately.

47: what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) 

the place in scotland is a three-bedroom flat which is quite large. the place in london is a two-bedroom flat which is slightly smaller but still big for that area of london.

48: who is your role model?

writing-wise, john le carré and stephen king. life-wise, kim philby for the scamming and productivity, and lord byron for the scandal.

49: what was the last compliment you received?

I can’t even remember. probably something to do with my writing, as I’ve been sharing that with some people recently.

51: how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

santa is real my good bitch

52: what is your dream car? 

literally no idea.

53: opinion on smoking?

I smoke occasionally and don’t care if people choose to or not, however I support the smoking ban in public areas and I will be an asshole and cough loudly if you blow it directly in my face.

54: do you go to college? 

graduated.

55: what is your dream job?

anything fast-paced, high-risk, and that requires me to constantly keep learning and improving myself to keep up.

58: do you have freckles? 

some in the summer, across my nose and cheeks.

60: how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

a couple of hundred.

61: have you ever peed in the woods? 

absolutely. it’s a necessity when homeless/on road trips.

62: do you still watch cartoons? 

nope.

63: do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

never been to Wendy’s so McDonalds by default. love me some McNuggets.

65: what do you wear to bed? 

sweatpants, an old t-shirt, and a hoodie. it’s the mountains, I need to wrap up.

66: have you ever won a spelling bee?

nah, we don’t have them here but I did come top of my class during spelling tests all through primary school.

67: what are your hobbies?

reading, writing, photography, urban exploring, paranormal research, soviet history, researching espionage, meteorology, a whole load of things.

70: what was the last concert you saw? 

florence and the machine probably.

71: tea or coffee?

both depending on my mood, though I go through stages of drinking one more than the other. right now I drink more coffee than tea.

72: Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

never been to Dunkin Donuts, so Starbucks.

73: do you want to get married?

one day, hopefully.

74: what is your crush’s first and last initial?

CF, take a wild guess lmao

75: are you going to change your last name when you get married?

acton and I have discussed if we ever get married, finding a cool name we both like to change our last names to. so maybe.

76: what color looks best on you? 

green.

77: do you miss anyone right now? 

not really, to be honest. I don’t miss people often. I might have moments of oh, I wish they were still in my life, but it’s never a constant thing, thankfully. it sounds like it would be a drag.

78: do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed right now, we need all the heat conservation we can get.

79: do you believe in ghosts?

hell yeah I do. had lots of experiences too!

81: last person you called

my boss?

82: favorite ice cream flavor? 

mint choc chip.

83: regular oreos or golden oreos? 

regular.

84: chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

both.

86: what is your phone background?

lmao it’s a picture of julian assange because I live to annoy him.

87: are you outgoing or shy?

I’m very outgoing. a lot of people think I’m shy but actually I just go through stages of being really anti-social.

89: do you like your neighbors? 

I have no major issues with them but they’re a weird bunch. the downstairs neighbour I’m pretty sure is a ghost, and the neighbours across the way are so strange. they do DIY in the dead of night and several of them just sit in their cars at 3am with the lights on, staring at nothing. odd.

90: do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

when I shower, or if I have something on it. I don’t have a routine.

91: have you ever been high? 

yes.

92: have you ever been drunk? 

way too many times.

95: summer or winter? 

aesthetically? winter. in terms of not feeling suicidal all the time? summer.

96: day or night? 

night. I’m a night hoe.

99: what is your zodiac sign

aquarius, watch out. 

100: who was the last person you cried in front of? 

no one bitch... I don’t cry

[snowstorm-thirteen]

ALL OF DEM! *evil cackle* J/k unless you really want to xD How about every ten? So like 1, 10, 20, etc? :0

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?Out of these, the one I use most is SoundCloud, but lately I've been doing this thing where I go to a thrift shop and buy a pile of CDs for 50 cents each. I prefer this to any digital music service because it's a fantastic way of discovering great and really obscure music. Most of the bands I find broke up years ago and fell into obscurity, or never left obscurity at all, and it's a fantastic way to find some unique tunes.

2. is your room messy or clean?Currently, rather messy. I usually like to keep my place clean, but we've had this heat wave lately, so I've taken to flopping on the couch and doing nothing.

3. what color are your eyes?Weird. From a distance they look kind of... golden brown? But that’s deceptive.  They're like, hazel, but with blue rings around the outside of my iris. This picture of a multicoloured eye from Wikipedia is very similar to mine.

4. do you like your name? why?

I hate my full birth name, but I like what I go by now because it really suits me.

5. what is your relationship status?

It’s really complicated, lmao.

6. describe your personality in 3 words or lessAwesome, cool, radical. I kid, I kid. xD Chill, accepting, introverted.

7. what color hair do you have?Black

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?I don't have a car. I walk or I get the bus.

9. where do you shop?Pretty much everywhere, but mostly at Coles and IGA.

10. how would you describe your style?Gothic punk butch lesbian meme queen.

11. favorite social media accountYou mean like... one I use or one I follow? My fave to use is Tumblr, and my fave person to follow is Jacksfilms on YouTube.

12. what size bed do you have? King single.

13. any siblings?One brother.

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?Finland. I went there in 2006 and I totally adored it. Also it's winter there right now, and that's better than this heat wave, lmao. Would also accept a position in Antarctica.

15. favorite snapchat filter? I don't have Snapchat, but that dog one I see people use is kinda cute.

16. favorite makeup brand(s)I don't use makeup, like, at all these days lmao. Back when I did, I just got whatever was cheap.

17. how many times a week do you shower?Most days, like 4 - 6.

18. favorite tv show?Steven Universe, if that wasn't obvious, lmao. I'm also really into Land of the Lustrous right now.

19. shoe size?9 in womens, 6 in mens. Those are the Australian sizes, I have no idea what those are internationally.

20. how tall are you?163 cm, or 5'3

21. sandals or sneakers? Out of these, sneakers, but I usually wear boots.

22. do you go to the gym? Nah, I do most of my workout at home. It's cheaper and easier that way.

23. describe your dream dateMovie and dinner. A good classic.

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?About $10.

25. what color socks are you wearing? Black.

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?Two.

27. do you have a job? what do you do? I don't have a "job" but I'm a videographer and editor by trade. I also have training and qualifications in a range of other fields, because I got bored when I was younger and studied, like, everything lmao. Currently I'm in a volunteer position tutoring teenagers in filming and editing.

28. how many friends do you have? Quite a few. I'm scared to try and count exactly in case I miss anyone out.

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? I thought I was straight for an embarresingly long time. That was pretty bad, lol. I also ran a cringey YouTube channel in 2006 - 2007.

30. whats your favorite candle scent?

31. 3 favorite boy namesChad, Chad, and Chad.

32. 3 favorite girl names*sings* Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl

33. favorite actor? I don't really have one lmao.

34. favorite actress? As above. I don't follow any actors or actresses specifically, I just like watching stuff lmao.

35. who is your celebrity crush?Not sure if she strictly counts as a celebrity, but I've had a massive crush on Simone Simons since I was in high school.

36. favorite movie? Inception, and Imaginaerum by Nightwish. I gotta rewatch Imaginaerum.

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I don't read as much as I used to, but my favourite book at the moment is The Erth Dragons by Chris D'Lacey.

38. money or brains? As much as I love money, I like having a brain.

39. do you have a nickname? what is it? Snow, which is also, well, kind of my name. xD I've also been called Yellow Diamond, so that's p cool.

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?Way too many to count. When I was a kid, I ate a lot of stuff that wasn’t edible, so I got rushed to the emergency room a lot. Even the times I swallowed actual poisons, I never got sick, much to the bewilderment of the doctors.

41. top 10 favorite songsIn no particular order: Ghost Love Score by Nightwish, Solitary Ground by Epica, Speed of Light by Van Canto, Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, Hotel California by The Eagles, Lightning Rod by The Offspring, Sarcasm by Get Scared, Between Halloweens by The Matches, The Pizza Song by The Bouncing Souls, and Alcohol and Oxygen by Anadivine. This changes fairly often, but these are my top tracks as of right now.

42. do you take any medications daily? Yes.

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)Soft and dry.

44. what is your biggest fear? Bit of a cliche, but my biggest fear is fear itself. I hate being scared, it makes me think irrationally. It used to be arachnophobia, but with the amount of spiders that make their way into my unit, I kind of got over that through exposure, lmao.

45. how many kids do you want? None, zero, zilch.

46. whats your go to hair style?I don't strictly style it, but it naturally falls into this look that I really like.

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) I live in a unit, which is fairly spacious for a one bedroom place.

48. who is your role model? I don't really have one, I just do my own thing.

49. what was the last compliment you received?I honestly can't remember. Probably something to do with my videos.

50. what was the last text you sent?Texted my Dad telling him I was ready to be picked up from the supermarket.

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?Something like... 8 or 9? But I managed to convince my parents I still believed until something ridiculous like age 12.

52. what is your dream car?Something that works, doesn't look like its been stolen, and is affordable. I have simple dreams.

53. opinion on smoking?I'm a smoker, and I say, never start smoking. But if you're gonna smoke, don't be a dick about it. Always smoke downwind of non-smokers and don't leave your butts all over the place.

54. do you go to college? Nah, I'm way too old, lmao. But I did when  I was younger.

55. what is your dream job? I'd love to edit TV ads and news reports, but I can't work full time, so I'm currently working towards selling paintings at local markets. I get to work my own hours and set my own rates, so if the first couple of markets go well, I'm gonna keep up with that.

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? In the past, I would have answered rural, but I'm really enjoying near-city life right now.

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Yes! I also take the soaps.

58. do you have freckles? Like, about, 6 in total lol.

59. do you smile for pictures?Only when prompted. I usually keep a neutral expression in photos.

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone? A few hundred.

61. have you ever peed in the woods? Yes. I occasionally go on week long hiking trips, and when you're surrounded by woods, there's nowhere else to pee lol.

62. do you still watch cartoons? Me? Watch cartoons? Scandalous. I only watch Serious Adult Shows™

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?Australian Wendy's doesn't do nuggets, but I like the ones from Hungry Jack's.

64. Favorite dipping sauce? Ranch

65. what do you wear to bed? Pretty much whatever.

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?We don't do spelling bees here, but my dyslexia was really bad when I was younger, so I would have failed like Hell if we did.

67. what are your hobbies?Video editing, painting, walking, collecting really cool rocks, watching TV, sometimes reading, playing bass, listening to music, gaming.

68. can you draw? Yes. I'm currently dabbling in animation, and I'm (very slowly) working on one for my YouTube channel.

I’m going for that “messy on purpose” look so it doesn’t take forever to complete. I also have this sloppy shit I did for Christmas last year.

69. do you play an instrument?I play a few, but my main one is bass. I'm also trying to learn the ukelele.

70. what was the last concert you saw? I think it was some random local band.

71. tea or coffee?Coffee all the way.

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?We have neither. I just get my coffee from wherever.

73. do you want to get married?Maybe? I'm not entirely sure.

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?I have a few crushes, and I don't know all their initials lol.

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married? I like that thing where people combine their last names.

76. what color looks best on you? Black. Even my grandmother, who hates black, thinks it suits me best.

77. do you miss anyone right now? Kinda.

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?Closed. It keeps the temperature nice.

79. do you believe in ghosts?Yes.

80. what is your biggest pet peeve? When people constantly send me messages like "?" or "you there" or "hi" over and over and over again while I'm trying to work on other things.

81. last person you calledA doctor's office to see what their walk-in rates were. Let's just say I won't be going to that practice. xD

82. favorite ice cream flavor? Good old chocolate.

83. regular oreos or golden oreos? I've never even heard of the golden ones.

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Chocolate all the way.

85. what shirt are you wearing? Plain black.

86. what is your phone background?It's Yellow Diamond.

87. are you outgoing or shy?I'm both. It depends on the situation.

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?Nah. Feels weird.

89. do you like your neighbors? Yes. The people in my block of units mostly keep to themselves, and are very friendly when I run into them.

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?Both, when I can be bothered.

91. have you ever been high? There was one time I accidentally mixed up my mother's narcolepsy medicine with my atheritis medicine as a teenager. That was fucking wild. I could hear colours and smell sounds.

92. have you ever been drunk? A lot in the past, yes, but not now.

93. last thing you ate? Battered beef strips.

94. favorite lyrics right now"Oh, we are the working dead, and we lurch for minimum wage, but I'd really rather be... eating your brain!"

95. summer or winter? Winter, definitely.

96. day or night? Night.

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? Dark chocolate.

98. favorite month? Idk, May?

99. what is your zodiac signTaurus

100. who was the last person you cried in front of? I literally don't remember lmao.

And that's it! I can't believe I did that whole thing, omfg.