#which was good for the ol’ self esteem

[pix-writes]

We love those good ol' men 😎 but what do you think are their flaws during a relationship?

I think I've touched on some of their flaws in previous posts and HCs but in terms of a relationship I think both the Pines twins are similar in their flaws, it just manifests a little differently for them:

Ford can be absent minded or absorbed in what he's doing so much that he doesn't pick up on his partner's emotions/that he's being distant. Especially when stressed or under strain. Stan would likely also have his moments of this, too, seeing as he's such a hard worker and wanting to do as much as he can for the family, but he's often better at remembering to set time aside for his partner, generally (quality time shouldn't just be researching anomalies, Ford).

They both can be insensitive and say things the wrong way, whether they mean to or not, and rub people up the wrong way, so that goes doubly so for a partner, because you're spending way more time together and so have more chances to irritate one another! With Stan it's more likely to be an ill timed joke/statement or an action that either gets you or him into some kind of trouble (can be something mundane not just criminal). With Ford it's more saying something in a cool, logical or even harsh way that can be taken as him being brusque or unemotional, or taking a difference of opinion too far and being stubborn. They've also had long stretches of time where they've been single, so old habits may die hard, as there's likely some things the stans are set in their ways.

Both of them have had a tendency to self sabotage in the past, which had particularly hindered their own relationship with their twin on multiple occasions because they don't communicate well; because they have a tendency to bottle their emotions and get defensive, in turn! So some arguments may come about because they just won't say that they're upset, which can be even more frustrating! 😅

This ties into old self esteem issues, the stan twins will not realise their value in the relationship in some way, which could cause some issues, potentially. That and being a little overprotective of their partner, it can be nice at times, but also stifling.

They're both not tidy people, so if that bothers you I can see that being an issue lol they're not unclean, but definitely not the kind of people to freak out over clutter or some dust or dishes piling up a bit.

[sylvies-chen]

my favourite thing about season 2 hands down was watching them bring darcy’s storyline to life and it really highlights what heartstopper as a comic-book-turned-television-show does so so well, which is encompass different forms of queer trauma/struggle

this season focused a lot on nick’s journey with coming out, the steps forwards and backwards he takes. it also shows him dealing with actual homophobic sentiments directed at him in his own home for the first time (can I get a good ol’ FUCK david nelson up in here? thank you!) which he has to learn to handle if he wants to come out sadly. and gaining that strength to step forward into the public eye and even just the point of having to actively own and protect your identity is definitely a valid struggle and anxiety-inducing thing, as we all see.

charlie’s trauma is also explored, though it takes to the end of season/vol 2 to get us there, in that spot where he opens up about it. the eating problems is definitely the red flag that consistently and subtly pops up throughout the season, but we don’t get that full unravelling of the impact it’s had on him until the last episode. he got outed and bullied at school at an age where social acceptance and community is so integral to your self-esteem. and he hasn’t developed healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the lasting impacts of it.

but darcy’s trauma and struggle weighed on my heart so much this season too, because not only is kizzy just a phenomenal actor but also because it provided a whole other angle of trauma that charlie and nick haven’t quite been through: the trauma of homophobia from a parent. like, it is so crushing to learn that the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally just… doesn’t. nick has his mum, and charlie has tori as a protector and supporter, and his parents too in their very misguided way. they both have at least one family figure in the household that embraces them and, at the very least, will defend them. but darcy doesn’t, and her friends are her only support system. which doesn’t make her struggles any worse or better than nick’s or charlie’s, but it just brings a different angle into how she interacts with the group and I loved getting to watch her finally be able to open up.

I could also go into ben, how he represents a fourth sort of struggle which is when queer repression and internalized homophobia take a toll on your moral character, but instead I just want to wrap up by saying that as much as heartstopper represents the varying ways in which queer struggles impact your life, it does so thricefold in representing the different ways in which queerness and queer community heal you, making life more vibrant and fun and peaceful.

so… yeah. I’m not emotional you are.

[fitrahgolden]

I'mma take a minute to talk about this specific moment in Season 2, episode 4, Victory.

Of all the scenes that make me want to give Kate a big ole hug and a shoulder to cry on, this is the one that comes to mind first and foremost. (Simone's acting, like, ugh, it's too good.) She looks so pitiful; it really breaks my heart every time I watch this part. Here's my take.

I don't think there is another moment in the season in which Kate lets herself be so visibly upset, so much so that she is on the verge of tears, when other people are around. In my interpretation, Kate and Anthony realized they loved each other in the aftermath of Kate's bee sting (keep in mind that I'm strictly talking about the show, not the book) and those feelings were confirmed during their dance that proceeds this moment. (And then, of course, Daphne literally tells Anthony he's in love with Kate after she catches them together.)

So, Kate's in this head space where she's in love with the man who is courting her sister, hoping he doesn't propose to Edwina (genuinely for Edwina’s sake), and here comes her sister begging Kate to dance with Anthony so he has a chance to ask Kate for her blessing to purpose to her sister. This look right here is Kate almost crumbling over the mortifying position she's in. She has been secretly desperate to be in Anthony's arms, openly, in public. The opportunity comes because her sister is imploring her to give the man she loves permission to marry her sister. She doesn't think Anthony has any interest in dancing with her, and this is a chore for him. From Kate's perspective at this point, Anthony has no interest in dancing with Kate, he's visibly reluctant to do it, and she can't give him an out because she won't deny Edwina anything. (Like, imagine dancing with your crush as a favor to his girlfriend, who is your sister.)

This face is one of someone whose self-esteem is at rock bottom. But when Anthony offers his hand, she knows she has to put her brave face back on and take it.

It's just so incredibly sad.

[samble-moved]

Madoka's Ascension Can Be Read as a Sort of Suicide

TW: Discussion of suicide, depression, etc.

Note: This is a repost from @/samble, my prev (deleted) blog, done for ease of access. I don't actually think this interpretation this was intentional, but it's another valid way you can read Madoka's actions.

I) Foreward/Beginning

A lot of people associate Homura with the idea of a "depressed character" in Madoka Magica. This makes sense, though you could likely argue most, if not all of the cast, is depressed/traumatized. However, Homura is the most blatent. She is constantly overly self-critical, has very poor self esteem, has canonically attempted suicide and has suicidal thoughts, and her entire witch is literally based around wanting and wanting to die.

But just because Homura's is one of the more in-your-face doesn't mean Madoka, who's literally portrayed as a goddess that gives hope, can't be seen as a character who's also going through things, even pre-Timeloop shenanigans...

II) Madoka's Self Esteem, or Total Lack Thereof

Madoka, throughout most of her appearances throughout the "main" anime timeline, has very obvious low self esteem. She compares herself to others constantly, seems to base her whole sense of self worth off of if she's seen as "helpful", and is always calling herself weak and a burden/bother to others. Most people think (perhaps rightly) that this is only due to the aforementioned Timeloop Shenanigans as shown in the anime, but Madoka actually thinks this way even before Homura becomes a magical girl. See: the drama CDs, specifically #1.

Here's a quote from the CD summary off Puella Magi Wiki that I think stands out (keep in mind, again, this is Timeline One Madoka, NOT the less self-confident Madoka from later Timelines/loops):

"On their way Madoka confesses to Homura that she used to think the same way as Homura, she felt powerless and useless but that changed when she became a magical girl...[before] she felt she was only causing trouble to other people."

This implies Madoka gains her confidence when she becomes a magical girl. But her lack of it in the first place implies TL1 Madoka, if/when she was human, didn't have high self esteem like people think. She got it from winning battles and helping people as a magical girl. So it's entirely possible that having a poor view of herself is actually Madoka's "default", and it can't all be blamed on looping affecting her. It's highly possible "later Timeline" Madoka IS just like First Timeline Madoka — she's just still human.

III) Madoka Only Ever Seems to Like Herself if She's Saving Someone (Even at the Cost of Her Life)

Even in the TL1 Madoka examples, did you notice how she repeatedly says her self esteem only raised after she becomes a magical girl? Being a magical girl, where job benefits include trauma, life threatening situations on the daily, literally no escape but dying, and becoming/watching your friends become eldritch horrors that you have to kill? That doesn't seem like something that would make you feel better, but worse.

However, the main draw to Madoka is saving other people. Forget her own life and safety, she'd rather help others! And...this could be a noble goal, if literally all of her self esteem didn't rest on her doing this.

Think about it. Madoka is fourteen. She's highly self critical, thinks she's useless, and overall has a very poor self image. But then, she contracts. Sure, she's in constant danger (which she acknowledges), but she helps people...which makes her happy, despite all the "mortal peril" drawbacks. Now think about if a normal human middle schooler said this. Like, a normal 13-14 year old girl saying her entire sense of self worth revolves around saving people while putting herself in life threatening situations. Nobody would say this is a "good" thing, most people would think she would need therapy, or to try and base her self worth on other things instead of just something so dangerous, or wait until she's older and has more experience. They wouldn't blindly support such a thing.

IV) Madoka as Someone Passively Suicidal

I want to start out this section by saying I do not think Madoka would ever intentionally and literally kill herself. Thus the "passively" aspect.

Obviously, Madoka never says something to the effect of, "I want to kill myself" or "I want to die" in the anime. However, her actions and blatent disregard for her own safety and life can be read as a more passive instead of active form of suicidal ideation, or just not caring about herself at best.

From choosetherapy, "Passive suicidal ideation happens when people desire death but do not make active plans to harm themselves. These thoughts may sound like, 'I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up,' or 'I wish I could die in a car accident.' Although these are not active plans and tend to be situations in which people do not die by their own hand, people may still engage in riskier behaviors as a result of these thoughts."

From Refinery29, on an article by someone who's dealt with this: "Most days, I enjoyed my life. I was invested in my plans and looked forward to the future. But every now and then, when things were particularly difficult, I wanted to close my eyes and disappear. Thinking about no longer existing was like an emotional reflex, something I sometimes defaulted to when faced with internal pain."

Now, again, Madoka is never for sure shown saying anything like this — but we also don't see a ton of her thought process, in general. What we do see, however, can be a bit alarming.

From the same summary of Drama CD #1: "Madoka tells Homura that she wanted to adopt the black cat [Amy] but apparently it likes being independent. So she asks Homura that if something were to happen to her, she would like Homura to take care of it. Homura panics but Madoka tries to calm her by telling her she is not planning on dying soon."

Remember that Madoka...

Is absolutely willing to throw herself into literal life or death situations to try and save someone, no hesitation, at 14

Is prone to risk taking behaviors in some cases due to the above, even fighting when she knows she will die or doing dangerous things that can 100% get her killed or injured

Does these things because her self esteem is so low she seems to see herself as worthless

Is constantly seemingly belittling herself (

Only gains self worth through saving and helping others, even if it literally results in her dying and is very dangerous (at 14!!!)

Makes a dark joke/request to Homura about Homura watching out for Amy (the cat) if "something happens" to Madoka in TL1, which is a little worrying, since things like making "hypothetical" requests like that sometimes happens if someone is planning on suicide (ex. "If I die, please take care of my pets" or "If something ever happens to me, please do xyz" and yes, I'm aware she doesn't commit suicide then, but I recognized this is likely the reason why Homura is worried).

V) How This Relates to Madoka's Final Wish

AKA how Madoka's self sacrifical nature goes full throttle, resulting in something suspiciously akin to that whole "passively suicidal" thing we just touched on.

I'm not sure if other people have noticed it, but it seems implied that Madoka knew, or at least didn't care that her wish would erase her from existence — and, worse, this is something she wanted to happen.

Mami literally tells Madoka she will never physically be able to stop fighting, and that Madoka will lose all individuality. Mami even tells her dying would be kinder. The same Mami that made a wish to avoid dying. And does Madoka freak out? Seem to show she didn't expect this? No. She just basically says, "Fine. That's what I wanted to do, anyways."

She knew this was a potential aspect of her wish, and does not care that it "kills" her (in a metaphorical sense) by erasing any and all records of her existing, and her as a person.

Remember that part about how something like, "I wish I could just disappear?" can be passive suicidal ideation? Yeah, well it's pretty clear now that this was intentional, or, at "best", something Madoka doesn't mind...when she 100% should absolutely mind as a middle school aged girl.

And Mami isn't the only character who sees Madoka's fate as sad and depressing! Homura thinks so! And Homura says dying would be better when she sold her soul to keep Madoka from dying!

Madoka herself is maybe content with it, but again, Madoka only likes herself if she's saving someone. If she's not, she thinks she's a burden on her friends and family.

Madoka has low self esteem -> Madoka gains it by saving and helping others, even at great risk -> her wish is a literal cultivation of that, as she wishes herself out of existence -> Madoka is likely "content" as the LoC because

She no longer "exists" and has no actual "self" anymore

She is useful and helps people, and only sees herself as anything other than a nuisance and a good for nothing when she's doing things like this

This isn't even getting into the lyrics and implications of Madoka's character song if it's being read this way, which is one of those "sounds happy, is actually really sad" types:

"Cracking a smile, yet I'm feeling lonely / The truth is, I still have more to talk about / But with the words 'See you later' / I say we'll meet again, but it's a lie / and with my usual smile, I say / 'See you tomorrow'"

VI) Additional Notes

I'd like to add (post-posting howomura edit here) that you can commit suicide (or quasi-suicide) for a "selfless" or "good" reason and for it to still be sad and messed up. Nobody is claiming Madoka is evil for sacrificing herself, just that she shouldn't have felt like she had to do it, especially at her age (fourteen).

People who do it so their families can get money, to make political points and attract attention to events, etc, may have "good" intentions and be "selfless" in their actions, but it doesn't mean those people should have had to do it. Altruistic and benevolent suicides are still tragic even if they're meant to be for good cause or to help others as a whole.

[foodtruckery]

After reading (all comes crashing) my brain took an unexpected detour, obsessively thinking about older Fords Constance, like did she actually not reciprocate his feeling or just, decided that it's for the best that they don't, Fords character has can be a bit tunnel visioned/shortsighted at times and can't see the bigger picture while Stan's is self sacrificing till the end

How would she feel about this, would she feel more self-conscious (wrinkles and more fat than her younger self) or betrayed?

I keep thinking about her

GOSH this is such a good ask! i mean, the most honest answer is the most boring and tragic which is that, similarly to handling the "bill situation" in combat baby, i simply Refused To Think About It cause it was easier that way lol.

but like. now i AM thinking about it. i think the "easy" answer, narratively at least, would be to say that his constance didn't reciprocate, so when the opportunity here presented itself, he was even less inclined than he may normally have been to stop himself from making a questionable decision.

but i think the more INTERESTING answer is something that's muddier than that!

like, maybe it's not that anything wasn't reciprocated or decided on, it's that ford and constance haven't ADDRESSED it. and ford's in this place of wanting her, and terribly, but the risk feels too high after he almost lost her. so maybe he's resigned himself to not bringing it up, to not tricking himself into seeing what he wants to see when she looks at him, because having some part of constance that still wants to be beside him is better than none at all.

cue whatever silly shit got him HERE (i'm thinking rift fuckery or just good ole fashioned inventing something that backfired). and he does TRY to keep his distance, becuase he's trying to be smart about this. it's impossible to tell at a glance if this is time travel or dimension travel, but he knows he should limit the number of ripples he causes either way. so he tries to keep a low profile, but...well he has to eat, right? and if he ends up at the diner that he remembers stan working at in high school, it's just because he knows he can afford it, not for any other reasons...

and well. then there IS a chance here to indulge at least a little in something he's already resigned himself to never having at home, a little harmless flirting, right? and he knows it isn't proof that constance feels this way about HIM, not really, but it gives him a chance to indulge in the fantasy at least. and he'd forgotten just how short her shorts tended to be, and the smell of that specific perfume she'd worn these last few years together, and when he realizes she's interested in more than a little flirting, well, who can blame him, for giving in??

BUT i promise this isn't actually about ford. that's a setup to say, surprise, maybe they were separated or they weren't spit out at the exact point in time, but what if constance was, in fact, there too, and ford just hadn't realized it? so he's trying to live out the one thing he doesn't think he can have at home. meanwhile, when constances sees them together - because of course she has to - that's just one more blow to her already bottom of the barrel self esteem at this point.

because she hadn't necessarily felt that way at the time, but seeing herself in her younger years? a little acne, sure, but no wrinkles. a figure that looks more "voluptuous" or "full" than just fat old woman. and seeing ford, fawning over her? that look on his face and the way he can't keep his damn hands to himself?

he'd never said anything to her at home. they'd had plenty of opportunity for it, and nada. it's not like she could bring it up -- she'd fucked up both their lives so many times, she couldn't risk this being one more thing to do it. but it's so obvious now, seeing them together, that ford has the same feelings she does.

or at least...he did. at one point. back when she was still pretty and her back wasn't liable to give out at any moment. back before she'd fucked things up for them the first time. and if he's willing to look like this much of a fucking creep with teenage her, but he can barely hold eye contact with her at home? it's not her -- current, old her -- that he wants; it's this nostalgic fantasy of something she's never going to be again, that she doesn't even fulling remember being the first time, and that fucking hurts.

the REAL question at this point is....does she find younger ford? i don't think she would go looking for him, but younger!ford is DEFINITELY stalking whatever the fuck older!ford and his sister are up to, so it's not unlikely that he would run into older constance without even realizing it. and he's already come to terms with some kind of future him time traveling to fuck his sister, so finding an older woman in tears, near the same vantage point he's chosen, with his sister's nose?? that's sus. constance would be entirely too chill about his hands and she'd probably fuck up and call him sixer or poindexter, and at that point, jealous ass younger ford would be like WAIT ONE GODDAMN SECOND. she wouldn't even try that card to convince him otherwise, cause what's the point since he already knows what's going on.

and then she'd just sigh and hook an arm around his shoulders and pull him away from whatever date they were both peeping on to get coffee or something, cause jesus, sixer, this is sad even for us, let's at least go somewhere to mope where they won't see us. cause it's one thing to be a weepy sad sack mess by herself, but she'll be damned before she does it in front of ford - any ford - and especially not this baby version of her brother who's already at his wit's end.

then ford would try and get answers about what the hell they're doing here, stan would have at least a passing knowledge of her best guess based on all the stupid quantum physics research she had to do to rebuild the portal, and that would distract teenage ford so fucking badly.

[chaotic-archaeologist]

Hey Reid!

I'd like to ask for some academic advice:

The extended abstract of my first paper ever just got accepted to a not unnotable conference (speaking people in my field know it by name) and with it come the reviews/ guidelines to be included for the full paper version of it which are... mixed.

On one hand I'm elated beyond to have a my paper accepted by a reputable conference a semester into my master's degree, on the other some of the reviews feel really mean?

Do you have any tips on dealing with imposter syndrome in the face of negative reviews? I feel like I've been unmasked as a fraud

Ahhh, good ol' Reviewer #2 and their crippling effect on one's self-esteem. Right now it seems like the criticism is steep, which is difficult because this is a piece you are proud of, and (of you're like me) your self-esteem is tied to academic performance. Based on your undergraduate experience, you may not have received criticism like this before (I know I didn't).

All of that is valid, but might I suggest looking at the situation a little bit differently?

You have, by all accounts, written a piece very early in your career that was deemed to have intellectual merit by a significant scholarly body! That's huge! It means that somebody read the piece and thought that your argument was good and would make a significant contribution to the existing body of literature! You have already won by making it past the first (and hardest) part of the selection process.

In fact, someone thought your piece was good enough that a couple of other people (qualified professionals) should read it to give some feedback. That's pretty cool, right? I certainly think so.

I'm sure you're well aware of the values of peer reviews and the revision process, so I won't expound on that. Perhaps some of the reviewers were not as tactful as they could be, but that doesn't change the fact that you did good work.

Here is my humble prescription for the revision process: take a day to celebrate the achievement of having your paper accepted! Do a little something to make yourself happy and enjoy the moment, whatever that may be. This is for you. You are going to Be Happy™ about this. Do not think about Reviewer #2. Then take a day preparing to go back into the comments. Get yourself in the right mindset, but don't force yourself to engage. Dive back in on day 3 (or whenever you're ready, deadlines permitting) with the confidence that you have a good idea, and you are going to respond to any criticism with productive intention.

-Reid

P.S. Dr. Dad, an academic with 25+ years in his field and a CV that is over 50 pages long, celebrates every time he gets a revise and resubmit. The single hardest thing to do is not to get desk rejected. Nobody gets through the process with no revisions, and often the comments are quite harsh. You're in good company.

[hell-drabbles]

Whether it's just me or i may be tripping over for a literal text on screen, i feel like Companion, regardless the AU, is FUCKING whippingly, ethereally, surreally beautiful.

I mean, sure— humans might not be as beautiful as Demons, Succubus alike what not, but i have the vision that Companion was just a bit above conventionally attractive compared to Ra-on. Maybe the demons just cannot move on from Solomon and become what they're right now. But honestly? I'd fight tooth and nail against Lucifer to have a time with Companion ngl

LET ME HAVE THE DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH BOY GET OFF IT'S MY TURN

Wouldn't blaming Ra-on if he ever attracted to Companion themself, just a thought hhhhhhhh Companion is an interesting character i wanna munch on yum yum

Confidence is sexy and the Companion be having that confidence!

Yes yes, Ra-on is certainly a looker himself, that's not a secret, but his self-esteem and other issues really put a damper on making his beauty shine. He has many a problem with the Companion, but he cannot deny the fact that they're stunning in his mind. The ideal person, alongside Minhyeok. And unreachable ideal. And since I write from that angle, I suppose that contributes to why they may be seen as ethereal.

Not only that but I also like to imagine the Companion as though they're a love interest in a dating sim, so that might also contribute to that. Even though I don't really write them with any stellar beauty appearances in mind. The Companion is just that, the Companion. A force of human nature not to be messed with, with an oddly optimistic view of human kindness underneath all that anger and frustration. An appreciation for the kindness and respect that is shown their way. Just, a good ol human all around.

And yes, Ra-on is 100% attracted to the Companion, which is why their friendship is so messy and strained in the first place. It's that selfish kind of sexual attraction, combined with emotional and physical isolation, that leads him to just, having the Companion degrade from "friend" to "material to jack-off to." And man, that shit kinda hurts when you figure that out, that the other person subconsciously doesn't see you as a friend anymore.

And good luck fighting against Lucifer. I'm sure he won't kill you but man you would probably make that tempting when trying to take up the Companion's time. He is a devil, and he does have his streaks of selfishness.

Please, by all means, munch on my Companion as much as you want.

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

I usually talk about these things because I’m picking up things that Simon literally says or thinks (like food being his only reference for pleasure before having sex with Baz) and not because I’m reading medical pages when suddenly the Simon Snow brainrot Sneaks In. The later is happening rn...

Men can have sexual problems (such as being unable to orgasm) even if physically healthy when there are psychological issues. Like if there’s stress, the relationship is troubled, the person is plagued by negative feelings (low self-esteem, anxiety, anger, fear, guilt), if they’re pushing themselves to have sex with a person they’re not sexually attracted to... all of that sounds very appliable to good ol’ Simon. 

I’ve wondered before if, when Simon has an orgasm with Baz, and he sounds like he’s discovering something (is this... is this... is this magic?) that it could be the very first time he’s experiencing a sexual climax. If it’s, at the very least, the first time it’s not like “something is coming out because bodies are weird like that but I do not feel a single good sensation right now.” An inability to orgasm would align with the way both his magic (can’t get worked out at all without it being a danger) and the way he lived (not thinking/exploring himself at all) repressed him. It would also be an easy thing that can be used to realize that his previous relationship was void of attraction, when in the moment it could have been brushed off as “yet another thing he gets wrong.” Especially because it’s a relationship that it’s generally very confusing for him. That it sparked enough discomfort and other negative feelings that he doesn’t want it in his head, which would make it harder to pick apart to reach answers. (Even more because Simon came out of it without knowing how he likes – or even tolerates – to be touched. 

Another thing I realize as I type this is that, when Baz and Simon get off together for the first time, Baz is guiding, and he’s asking for gentleness that Simon gives him. Simon describes Baz as moving smoothly against him, but if you think about it, that kind of movement would be rather rough. Simon is grounded because he’s being guided, feeling like he’s on a mission, while also being stimulated with firms movements. They’re both getting what they want there. Also, given that Simon struggled with being overwhelmed with desire – and later, the feelings of skin against skin awakens so much – the barrier of clothes was likely helpful in taking off pressure and getting both out of their heads etc. (I’ll probably give this paragraph is own post, much to say about it)

[13eyond13]

12 + 14 for both Guts and Griffith ? (:

Ooh thx @hawkfawun ! ♡

GUTS + What's a headcanon you have for this character?

I don't think Guts would worry much about stuff like what it would mean about him and his sexual orientation or what other people might think of him if he was interested in Griffith as more than a friend. Doesn't seem to really even cross his mind much, aside from during his initial gruff uncomfortableness when Griffith first comes onto him very strong (which I think is due to how poorly Guts was socialized as a kid, how he has never experienced somebody take an interest in him positively like that before, and also because of his traumatic experience with Donovan). I think the reservations he might have about letting Griffith even closer to him or believing that Griffith actually genuinely "wants him" would be more due to his self-esteem issues, his general trust issues, and his good ol' fashioned shyness and social obliviousness. So it bugs me whenever I see people in the fandom elsewhere making a big deal about how he'd wrestle with the idea of having a queer attraction or acting like it's something that would be a huge source of shame or inner turmoil for Guts, because it just doesn't really ring that true to me based on how he actually thinks and acts and talks about Griffith to others in canon. I think his insecurity about feeling inferior to Griffith is the main thing he worries about in their relationship more than anything else.

GRIFFITH + What's a headcanon you have for this character?

I think Griffith is pretty dang emotionally intelligent in how quickly he recognizes and analyzes his own feelings and other people's too, actually. I've seen people say the reverse about him before, that he's a complete idiot about recognizing his own repressed emotions and desires and whatnot, but to me he comes off almost the polar opposite of that? At least before he does the sacrifice and transforms. In my opinion being super repressed and not emotionally intelligent means you struggle to even recognize you have feelings in the first place, and are also not good at accurately naming or recognizing the emotions you or anybody else are having or the possible reasons why, and are afraid to try to dig into that stuff any further. But Griffith basically instantly decides that he likes Guts and tells him that he does, and he also has a lot of clear ideas about his desires and ideals and dreams and how to get what he wants in general and how to give other people what they want. And I'm also thinking about stuff like how he will sit and walk himself through all the various things he's feeling and being pretty honest with himself about it all, like when we get inside his mind during his imprisonment for a bit. I feel like a lot of Griffith's misery and internal struggling in the Golden Age actually comes from how NOT repressed he is about how he feels much of the time, and from realizing how incompatible with each other or how futile some of his different desires and goals might be. Like I think he was pretty frustrated and hurt over making his emotional attachment so bare to Guts right from the start and then ending up feeling totally abandoned and rejected by him – I also understand why Guts had the hangups of his own that he did at every point, but I still can't help but feel bad for Griffith wearing his heart on his sleeve so boldly like that during the Golden Age and yet never really getting much of any direct obvious indication that his affections were returned, when in reality Guts DID feel the same. I sometimes don't blame him for going so extreme the other way with how hard he tries to remove all his feelings after that when I think about how shitty it must have been during those moments where he felt totally rejected and humiliated and abandoned during his torture and imprisonment after Guts left.

GUTS + Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

Omg good question. I don't have any idea what label to give him... but to me he'd be something between like a metalhead/punk and a biker and a lumberjack/working-man blue collar kind of aesthetic, haha. Like wearing the same black cutoff T-shirt and trousers and big heavy boots every day. Probably would get stuff mostly at like military surplus stores and thrift stores and be thinking much more about practicality and durability and protection with what he's wearing than anything else. And he definitely wouldn't be willingly putting himself into too many situations where he had to wear a suit and tie or anything overly fancy or formal. Though I guess he got a little dramatic and sassy with his Three Musketeers type ensemble that one time...

GRIFFITH + Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

Hahaha omg I'm so bad at this, it's def not my strong-suit to know and name all the specific fashion aesthetics and trends. Well, he definitely likes to get dressier and pay more attention to what he wears than Guts does, and he'd have a wider range of clothes in his closet too. He'd be switching between stuff he wears when he has to impress in the public eye and the stuff he wears when he's working or fighting or just hanging out with the boys. I think he'd have some fun with it too and know his most flattering colours and how to accessorize and whatnot. If it was a modern Griffith AU I think he'd probably not just be wearing like the most basic boring bro business suits when he has to be formal or anything either, like he'd be more androgynous and adventurous about it and still have some lace or frills or fun colours going on somewhere or something 😆 But that's about all I got, and I have no idea what you'd call it or what kind of specific aesthetic box to put it in, sorry...

[character ask meme]

[novapark]

I'm in one of my sick phases so I'm laying around a lot watching tiktoks since my brain and body ain't workin right. Anyway, I got caught in the "It Ends with Us" net (probably cause I'm a DV survivor) and I just gotta say, I'm kinda livin for other people getting the ick from Ryan Reynolds. I've had it since Waiting but I digress. Goin' under the cut cause this is a good ol' rant. TW for light discussion of DV and abuse in general. Remember I am a survivor of CA, DV, and SA so I'm speaking purely from my own experience and projecting the shit out of this situation.

So again like I don't know either of these people and know I'd probably find them insufferable in person (and they'd find me boring!) but the one weird take away I keep coming back to is I feel a wee little sympathy for Blake Lively.

I know I'm projecting my own experiences on this situation but Ryan reminds me strongly of my ex that did NOT treat me like my own person. I was just an accessory to his needs and image. Like she's been pregnant almost non stop, her career has slowed way the fuck down, and her husband makes MAJOR choices without talking to her while making jokes at her expense in public. I know that's their schtick but she's always WAY nicer to him when she teases him than he is to her. I think she just wants to seem "cool" about it. Just feels like a high control relationship to me. AGAIN this is MY projection. I do not know these people.

Which brings me to her fumbling the DV shit with this movie. Part of me wonders if she comes from a situation where a lot of emotional and psychological abuse was normalized so she may not understand how bad it actually is. Sadly a lot of people who do well in life but have trauma don't always recognize it because they're life is "good" compared to others. Their husband might be kicking their self esteem on the regular but he's just joking! Her mom making that comment her dress not fitting right cause she's bloated from snacking is just looking out for her! She's not being toxic!

A lot of people minimize their own trauma as not that bad cause they're not being physically bruised but some of that kind of damage can be worse than a broken arm. These types of abuse break the soul of a person and as someone with physical scars from physical abuse I can tell you, that damage is much harder to heal. It's much harder to have healthy relationships with ANYONE else when you've never known what that looks like. Given that Blakes family is one of those Hollywood high pressure type families, it just wouldn't surprise me if there's a lot of disfunction in her history.

Anyway, that's my unrequested hot take of the day.

[imminent-danger-came]

do you find mk's arc in s3 a tad repetitive? i saw this point brought up in a video essay on his series long arc

Naw man.

Progress isn't linear. MK more often than not makes progress in an area and then promptly regresses afterwards (like in ROTSQ MK learned that he was separate from SWK, and that he had to find "his own way to win", which he then completely abandons in the back half of s2. After Minor Scale it's all about becoming as powerful as Monkey King as quick as he can). I like to joke MK is "2 steps forward 4 steps back" the character. He'll say "We're stronger together" in 2x10, but by the time 4x08 rolls around he's wondering if he'll just end up hurting the people he cares about (and then he'll fail to apply this logic to why Wukong would choose to take similar actions, say during s2 or at the end of s3, being delightfully hypocritical).

Then there's where MK actually is development wise at the end of s2 vs s3. By the end of s2 he's lost all of his abilities and given LBD everything she needs to destroy the world, with the only good thing happening being Monkey King's return. Of course he's worried about facing the Lady Bone Demon like he is in s2—in fact, the threat got much worse. Not only is LBD more powerful, but both him and Monkey King are powerless. Their only hope is in an uncontrollable weapon they have to reforge.

In s1 MK is just trying to master his new role as the Monkey Kid (even then wanting to protect his friends and the city, thank you 1x01). In ROTSQ he believes he'll never be as good as Wukong, carrying this belief into s2. As the stakes keep growing, MK feels more and more pressure to live up to the legacy of Monkey King, and in that desperation becomes the perfect pawn in LBD's plans. He assumes he was the wrong choice, the wrong successor, and that Wukong knows that too. After he realizes Wukong left for him in s2, in s3 he then jumps to Wukong ditching him over being a "mere mortal" again. But, MK wants to help. He wants to save his friends. By the end of s3, we've still yet to acknowledge the core issue MK's had since the AHIB special: his self-confidence. His identity and his esteem. MK's never been happy with himself (except for that one time in ROTSQ):

But, after ROTSQ came Wukong leaving in 2x01, LBD's manipulation in 2x05, Macaque's manipulation in 2x07, his ultimate failure in 2x10, being powerless in 3x01, Wukong's lies throughout s3, Wukong and Mei both leaving at the end of 3x10, and then the "to pain scene" in 3x14.

And then in s4 we hammer the nail in the coffin further with 4x07 and 4x08 living up to LBD's words: doing what you think is right leads to pain.

I think the end of TEW will be another ROTSQ situation, where currently MK is okay leaving the world a little bit better than he found it, but it's a philosophy on a shaky foundation. All it'll take is one push to all come crumbling down (and we have SO many things at this point that could be that push—MK's origins/true identity, SWK and Macaque's true falling out, another world ending calamity [no 'ol half marathons here]). Because, at the end of the day, MK may leave the world better than he found it, but he still needs to be okay making mistakes and being MK. He needs to be okay with hurting the people he cares about, because that's what happens as a part of life. He's still so hung up on keeping everything the same. He wants a world where both him and his friends never have to struggle, which will just never happen.

Like, it's ridiculous to me how high of a note the s4 special ended on for everyone in the gang. It's like being on the final episode of a season and seeing that everything's resolved and great, but knowing there's 20 minutes left before the end. You just know it's all going to come crashing down. It's going to get worse before it gets better.

And you know what! I'll say this: being mentally ill is repetitive. And that's what MK is. He has anxiety. He has depression. I mean this seriously and sincerely. MK's running around in circles in his own mind trying to run away from himself (doing so quite literally in 4x07). But he can't man. None of us can.

[the-traveling-poet]

Hey, Lynn!

I saw ur little rant about not feeling good enough and honestly? No, just no. Don't let these thoughts get into your head. They're not right, I'm sure. If you'd like, take the opinion of another person or read what you're writing from another perspective. And don't dwell on anything too much. Whatever will be, will be. I know it's hard, but don't let these thoughts (that are so not true, I adore your writing and so do all of us as your followers. You're one of the few blogs I follow and have notifs on for, I literally wait for you to post and eat that shit up and read it a million times when you do) get to you and drag you down, and make you believe that what you're writing is not nearly good enough. Don't read too much into it, alright? That's just you overthinking, I promise. I'm sure it's more than good enough – you're more than good enough. So please, don't think too much about it, and POST your writing, whoever enjoys it will do just that. It's not your job to be perfect (I swear your writing is. And I'm not just saying that to lift your spirits, I'm not the type to) or your job to have everyone love your writing. All of your followers wouldn't be here if it weren't for your incredible writing. So thank you, for everything. And just post whatever the hell it is that you're writing. It'll be incredible, I'm sure.

I’m so sorry I didn’t see this notif sooner anon! I hadn’t checked my inbox in awhile for any asks besides the ones I saw in the notif center that were on top.

Lemme just say, reading this ask this afternoon was something I needed reminded of. As good as it is to be empathetic and selfless when the time calls for it, I can’t be a people pleaser 24/7 like I was raised to be. It so draining and makes me stress over every breath I take and I just can’t do that. I’m not gonna let someone else’s opinions rule over what I find joy in. I’ll be 22 soon and I think it’s abt time to focus on me and my passions, like writing fanfiction for all my lovelies and my own eventual novel :)

So thank you ml for such kind and grounding words, I needed that more than I’d thought. And thank you for just being here! I’m really glad you’ve enjoyed what I’ve wrote so far, it means the world to me that people enjoy my Levi fics as much as I enjoy writing them! Seriously, y’all are more supportive than my own family 90% of the time and that means more to me than I could ever fully express.

Especially with this ask anon, you’ve helped me a lot just by taking the time to write this to me which helps boost the ole self esteem. I hope that when/if you see my (late, again i’m sorry!) response you’re having a wonderful day and if you ever wanna chat my DMs are open to everyone💛

Btw I’ve screenshot this entire ask to look back at every time I sit down to write cause it means a lot to me :)

[racmune]

what are your favorite scoutpauling hcs!!

HOLY SHIT THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK!!!!!

UMMM idk how im gonna format this so im just gonna put it in bullet points ig

scout is a big ole hugger and very physically affectionate,, this contrasts with miss pauling being touch starved and really reserved. the way each of them love is something to get used to for both of them but its just works!!

i think miss pauling is very quick to try to ignore her feelings in order to focus on her work rather than a relationship with scout but it ends up coming up over and over again. like perhaps she'll try to convince herself that she can work with him and be normal and ends up fumbling over her words or another flub like that "hey scout i need you, i mean- for-for this" contract line. (i see her being shown to act stern to him in fanon even when she's supposed to be pining, but i think its forgetting the aspect of her character that she's a huge nerd >:33 i just really enjoy scoutpauling pining. scout becomes softer, shyer and more considerate, and miss pauling becomes that "girls when they're in love" meme. i just think they're such a good ship for a slow burn which is so upsetting cause i don't think there's a single scoutpauling-focused fic that's a slow burn. i'd say i'd to take up the torch but i struggle to even write one shots so 💀)

i also like to think that miss pauling notices his insecurities and compliments them. and he gets all flustered but he loves it so much. (yup i did rip this from a measured fic i read but i gotta beef up that wordcount biatch. i am insane abt this pairing i dont think you guys understand yet)

miss pauling is often overworked (as she is lol) and will struggle to take basic care of herself (feeding, sleeping, etc) and as they get closer scout will swing by her apartment often and help her clean up the garbage, water the plants , take her to bed (NON SEXUALLY!!!!11!!! we keep it PG here) and get her some good food

miss pauling will sometimes be so overworked she'll be sleeping sitting up or fall out of her chair and sleep crumpled on the floor. scout is often coming into her office/apartment just to spend some time with her and she'll tell him that she's fine and doesn't need much sleep to keep going. scout let's her go for this but soon he finds her asleep in even more concerning spots and finally says fuck it and cleans up her apartment and tucks her into bed

i feel like scout has put on a tough, "manly" persona all his life to prevent himself from getting bullied (or at least getting affected by it in front of others) but i think miss pauling being a girl able to call him on his bullshit is really good for him to be more down to earth and good for his self esteem in a way? like i think he allows himself to be more vulnerable with her and that feeling rewarded by being loved for what he is rather than just a persona is just really nice.

miss pauling is really capable but also i think shes avoidant to help if its really personal to her and not only her job. miss pauling was raised to be an assassin by the administrator and was never really allowed to just be a PERSON and i think that its kinda nice for her to be able to just have a normal relationship with someone. like, i think their relationship is pretty non-normal lols, but also i think scout can be really nice to her and nurturing to a more personal side of her she often times will have locked up because of her line of work.

if the administrator didnt adopt miss pauling (a big hc i have) i like to think that she had a very cold and unforgiving set of parents (like perhaps she can attach herself so well to the administrator because shes used to authority figures behaving in that way? or something?). i imagine after miss pauling getting well acquainted with scouts family, scout wants to meet her family. scouts family is a lot more warm blooded and caring than miss paulings family, and miss pauling says no at first because of this. scout still wants to go or at least know why miss pauling wont talk about her family, but reconciles that some things she isnt ready for. miss pauling still notices his feelings and decides to bring him over for one dinner. its just the worst for everyone involved. scout is wearing his sunday best which is a goofy haircut and a bowtie because he cant be fancy to save his life and no matter how polite he tried to be his bluntness would always shine through on accident. miss paulings mom would insult her and scoutd get really defensive. hes not allowed back. ;-;

another hc i like is that miss pauling and scout both speak spanish. scout learnt it because he mistook it for the language of love (which, i mean spanish is still a pretty romantic language so i fuck w it) but in miss pauling's case it was her first language. miss pauling is excited to know he speaks her language and he often needs her to slow down her speech for him to keep up which i think is a fun contrast to everyone struggling to keep up with him loll... also this happened valve told me/j

(im also not a spanish speaker so umm if i got smtg wrong then im sooo sorry ;u;;)

i also just really like miss pauling's hyper-activeness and excitability as well,(i didnt say this yet but i also headcanon them both as audhd A LOT) like ive said before its rarely shown in fanon and its upsetting cause i think she's just a silly little character and she's often shown to be the straight man or team mom exclusively…. and i think theres a twinge of fandom misogyny in there but like whatevs ig.

they can work together really well as a unit but also i think they are really nice for just . healing together from fucked up childhoods i guess

ive seen scoutpauling be viewed as a ship with no sauce or spice but i gotta disagree!!! theyre the most concentrated flavour containers ive ever seen in all my years its great

...

@saffsketches told me that ill get bullied for this post💀

//ok also have some headcanons from my discord server under the cut, all these are from me but there were a lotta good ones from other members that i just didnt show cause i was too shy to ask to cred LOLS

btw fuck this took post longer to make than i thought it would ;;; ummmmm………….. sorry ;u;

(this one was from when the server was talking about miss pauling having a big ole st bernard named otto in the headcanon channel for context LOL)

ok im done now bye hope yall enjoyed this small peek into the inner machinations of my fucked up mind..... HEHE

[needle-noggins]

clearly i'm in an analysis mood so i'll share my thoughts on the GHG scene in Trimax Volume 2, mostly Legato, that crazy son of a bitch.

First, there's something to be said about his wild Iron Lung set up. On my first read I thought it was more of a punishment from Knives for threatening Vash, but I guess it's also because his body is physically broken? And/or a way to curb his power? Either way, Legato is the definition of "jokes on you, I'm into that shit" because he's so extremely broken (in every sense of the word). There's a definite link between Legato's trauma and the fucked up little guy he is now but I don't know shit about shit so would not consider myself qualified to discuss it further. Please read madnessmadness's trigun bdsm post as a supplemental.

ok, this next panel made me gasp. It's not a needle-noggins analysis without religious symbolism, so here you go!

Vash is literally hanging upside down, arms splayed out on an upside down cross, when Legato talks about him. Like, okay pontius pilate!! I think Vash is upside down for two reasons, the obvious being that the reader can tell that Legato is talking about killing Vash (cool abstract blood splatter too, which kinda messes with the cross form and makes it less obvious) (but i see you nightow, you can't escape my catholic eyes). The second, is, well, the way that Peter was crucified - not right-side-up like good ol' Jesus. The story goes that Peter requested to be crucified upside down because he didn't deserve to die the same way as Jesus. Trigun muddles so many biblical references all at once that a direct correlation can't be made at any given time, but I think we can interpret this here as Vash being unworthy/not the savior in Legato's mind (to him that's Knives, ofc).

An upside-down crucifix now is also a satanic symbol, just like. Inverting Christianity. Obvious "these are the bad guys". But I think that's a much more common symbol in western culture than to Japanese so I'm not gonna read into that too much.

nothing to add here other than Midvalley is lowkey fine (like if Wolfwood got his shit together) and here we can see the internal conflict of the GHG. Nobody's doin' it like Legato's doin' it, and I wish Midvalley pulled that trigger (it's not his place though, but damn it sure would save Vash a lot of trouble).

Bring back Knives' bodycon bdsm dress, Stampede!!!

"engrave the futility of his cause into his every bone" jfc, Knives. I've said it earlier but Knives's attempt to show Vash "the true nature of [humanity]" backfires so hard because instead he just shows Vash the nature of his own being, the terrifying weapon that he is (cough fifth moon). Vash doesn't blame people at all for how they see him, because baby boy has absolutely zero self-esteem and far too much compassion. Meanwhile, Knives is still a proud, burnt out gifted kid who is terrified at his heart and he's going to make it everyone else's problem. Knives understands his brother so little that he doesn't see that his plan is just going to make Vash fight him harder. Knives is too blinded by his fear and disdain for humanity to even consider it. Zero compassion. Fantastic way to highlight the overarching themes of the story. (/hand-wavy "you get it, right?" motion)

Someone please get Legato a napkin and explain to him that Knives is not God. Something something horrible deeds being done in the name of God's "will"; Trimax is both showing us space Jesus as our beloved self-sacrificing protagonist while also warning us against blind faith in a vengeful God, etc etc. It's my Trigun book club analysis and I get to choose the biblical symbolism to fit the way I hate modern Christianity!

[atbussysparks]

Tf2 mercs as dog breeds

+Ms. Pauling bc I love her

Dog breeds under cut

Sniper 👁️🐊🎷 Australian staghound

A quick witted as well as long legged

They have a great sense of spatial awareness. gentle, and at all times alert. they can be very loving with the right people, and stick directly at their side

can survive well in a stressful agrarian environment, but not very well with yappy little dogs in homes

tenacious, hunt-minded, pack leader that was bred to hunt predators, rather than prey.

Heavy💪🏻📗🪆: 1/4th Siberian husky, 3/4ths Caucasian shepherd

Intelligent guardians, defending their loved and almost noble

Their appearance is large and imposing

Siberian husky bc when I think of noble Russian dogs I think of the Alaskan serum run my bad

They can take a great care of children, and they're fluffy

Medic🥼🩸💉 doberman, half canaan

Dobermans have very cut features and I swear to god they just exist to scare people

Even with their ears unclipped, even if they were raised correctly with love, they have the sadistic need to scare me and small children and whatever poor souls come their way

Medic would be a doberman with clipped ears. Also, they kinda look like musical notes to me, which is funny bc he plays the violin

Canaan bc I like to imagine medic as Jewish as well!

Scout🏁⚾💥: half Picardy spaniel, 1/4th greyhound, 1/4th xoloitzcuintli

He brags that his shiny picardy coat is simply because he's the next generation of handsome practical boys his ass do not know 😭

Lean, playful, kinda brainfarted, incredibly fast. Greyhounds have been bred for the best racing body in the world

Xolo just bc I am brown and I fucking love projection, nevermind that he is prime white boy he just pale

Demoman🍻🗡️💣: Rhodesian ridgeback

Violence is his passion and it is very easy to forget

He would just look like a greyhound with a shiny coat, bald patches, and a xolo head.

Despite his lazy, flashy, wannabe, artistic personality, He's still a speed demon, and constantly needs a job to do or authority figure to disrespect.

Large, hearty, and loud

The type of breed you can't free feed because they can't do self regulation. they're mainly independent

They're funny handsome fellers shut up I love demo

Great hunters! They love to look at the chaos after their hunt, all the fun mess

They are very much "Dearly devoted companions," loyal as can be

Pyro🔥🦄❤️‍🔥

This is a strange CREATURE in a rubber suit. He wields fire, the light of the giver's sun and song of control, as a beacon for his morbid pondering

A macabre display of blood and the scent unfurling through the nerves, thick with iron and gas, laced with the crackling curling charred skin.

This is not dog nor human, he has come from the depths of hell and he cannot see it, for all he knows is to play and frolick. Glitter and stickers trace their surroundings. Humanity envies them. He might just be a raccoon 🦝

Engineer 🧑🏻‍🏭🧰🤠: coonhound

AND THE WARDEN SANG COME ON SOMEBODY WHY DONT YOU RUN? OL' RED'S ITCHIN' TO HAVE A LIL FUN

Intelligent, and if they can use that as a means to not have to do a lot of work then by God they're gonna exploit it.

They're good at killing though I tell you that

Pretty darn affectionate, but their specialty is caring. They take care and split up fights.

They're musical too! They can howl and they've got a sorta melody to it. They may not like to share stuff though

Spy🕵🏻‍♂️🍷🎭: Picardy spaniel

I forgor what scout was hold up 💀

They hold themselves to a certain esteem. They are the unseen hunters.

Most of them are good with kids and shit but every french dog I've ever seen was much like their people. Dicks.

Silent and stalking, they'd prefer their own space

Regal and untelling of their true love.

Soldier 🪖🍯🎖️: pitbull

Clownish and patriotic, they're very misread as naturally aggressive and evil. Them bitches CANNOT lock their jaw. There's more to them!

I have a pitbull and she loves running around being free, but she's also fast to act, dumb of ass

For some reason they can smile really hard 😭😭😭🩷🩷🩷

They can be aggressive! Loud and demanding! Pure muscles and surprisingly easy to flip over for belly pets

They love to watch stuff break. They love to be squished. They love to love. They're food driven

Ms. Pauling 🩸👓💼: groenendael

Does a lotta dirty work

Highly trainable, and loyal. They can be affectionate. Just, a liiiittle but averse to deep love

Elegant, but much more brawny. Determinate and eager to please

Sleeper build fr

They know more than one would think, and are observant. Workaholics need a break dawg 💀

(as a cat I think she'd be a calico)

[pleas3pretendimnothere]

I think seven books in a month is a record for me. Thank you, Narnia.

Uglies

By Scott Westerfeld - Haha, wow, this was a book. I remember growing up seeing the Uglies series populate library endcaps and book fairs. I remember friends toting the series. I don't remember anyone ever recommending it. Still, I respected that it was a piece of YA lit at the forefront of the dystopia craze, and I knew I wanted to read it one day. What luck! I found it on sale for all of ¥800, and I took it as a sign. It was time to read Uglies.

This book is nuts. While the prose is serviceable, the story explains so much to me about the YA dystopia cancer of the 2000s. The Hunger Games takes an idea and builds a frightening, believable world around it. Uglies takes an equally compelling idea and creates some real goofer-goober shit. I told myself Uglyville, Pretty Town, names like those were all a part of the satire, and I found myself having a grand ol' time. Until the middle of the book.

This is not a good book. Like Poor Things, after you get past the silliness of the world, Uglies has itself an intriguing, compelling narrative. A girl obsessed with her own appearance comes to realize this obsession stems not from herself but from the culture of her society. Beauty is subjective, and she is fighting to believe otherwise; beauty does matter, and she must not be ugly. A challenging narrator like this is a great idea, and she made me want to learn more about this fucked-up world. I wanted to see how it functioned, how beauty as a foundation for a society would change everyday living. I wanted the message to be in my friggin' face.

Would you believe that this book takes place almost entirely in the woods? And in an old timey, absolutely normal log-cabin town? No, not the dystopian city that intrigues you, not the interesting stuff. We're hanging out with the trees!! Exclusively!!

The story is bonkers rebellion bullshit. Chemistry between anyone other than Tally and Shay is rushed and unbelievable. The story squanders potential for adventure and exploration and instead parks the reader into normalcy ("Wow! This thing that the reader finds silly and boring is bonkers to us future-world characters!!") It seems like the second book explores this stuff better, but why couldn't it have been the first book? Because I'm no longer interested! You lost me!

Lots of good ideas about beauty standards and self-esteem in Uglies, but ultimately it's not worth anyone's time. The highlight is a narrator who sees appearance in everything; that is well done, but the plot is a whole lot of nothing. Don't waste any time on this one. SKIP IT!

The Horse and His Boy & Prince Caspian

By CS Lewis - Oh, Narnia. Such interesting reads as a liberal, female atheist in the year 2024. I could easily write up a hundred-page essay on this series, and I haven't even finished it yet. Yes, I am reading the books in order of the publisher's numeration, I don't wanna hear about the issues with that.

Horse perhaps is my favorite Narnia book so far--which is crazy, because no one else seems to feel this way. The book is full of problems that would not fly in today's worlds--the first being a poor little white boy is trapped in the savage desert land of heretic brown people who see Narnia as blasphemous beast country. Christianity and racism persist in every Narnia book though, so aside from how uncomfortable that shit made me, there was a great adventure story. Having a book set outside of Narnia was refreshing and expanded on the previously very small world. Horse felt far more adventurous than its predecessors; Magician and Wardrobe were mostly "things-happen-to-the-protagonists" kind of books, but Horse gives our main character and his partner real agency. This was a great bedtime story; I liked this one a lot!

And I didn't really care for Caspian! I know the Pevensies are the main characters of Narnia overall, but I seem to have the most fun when they're not around. Their return did nothing for me. Plus, the Christianity message in this one was especially strong, and that made me particularly uncomfortable (Ah, the religion of old usurps the religion of new, how joyous...). Outside of that, Peter is a flat, lackluster MC, and I never believed the siblings were ever as smart or strong or capable as Lewis tells me they are. Horse had me believe otherwise, so Caspian was a disappointment.

Will continue reading this series next month, hopefully! So far, my opinions seem to differ from the masses, but we'll see how that continues later!

Interview with the Vampire

By Anne Rice - When books are good, I don't have a lot to say about them. I don't have a lot to say about Interview, besides it's a masterpiece.

Not having a lot to say is always a good thing. Rice's prose is phenomenal; I more than once forgot I was reading a modern publication, instead believing I'd slipped into Lovecraft or Shelley or Wilde. The story is deeply emotional, just about to the point that I could not read much in each sitting because I'd start to feel ill. The mind of Louis felt so raw, so real, and the torment of his existence felt believably horrifying. The characters were incredibly compelling, and if I had a free month of time, I'd fully analyze this book front to back for its themes and messages and character relationships. This is stunning, deeply psychological horror. No wonder it's so loved today.

If you love vampires or horror or, hey, LGBT stuff (I'd count it), this is a must-read, and you don't need some random woman on tumblr.com to tell you that. BUY IT!

Black Sun

By Rebecca Roanhorse - I read the first half of this book in September and then put it back on the shelf. I didn't know if I wanted to finish it, but I decided to this month. I bought this book, after all, because it was so widely praised. It had to be good in the end, right?

Well, why did I put Sun down in the first place? A lot of reasons. I picked it back up for a couple reasons, too. The fantasy world is based on Colombian lore, and there's a heavy plot surrounding accension to godhood, which is one of my favorite types of stories. Crow gods and Jaguar gods were incredibly interesting. I liked the two main characters and their chemistry a decent amount, so for these reasons alone, I picked the book up again. Otherwise, I would have DNF'd.

I don't know where the praise is coming from for Sun. The prose is lackluster and at times laughably bad--I'd get horribly sucked out of the scene when a character just had to say, "I'm about to freeze my tits off." While two of the four characters are complicated and interesting, they still are stereotypes; all four characters are tropey, and Roanhorse does not shy from cringey, Marvel-esque one-liners. The plot gives absolutely nothing to chew on; characters set upon a goal and achieve them without complication. If something crazy does happen, the characters don't ever seem to react; they just carry on for the plot, unfeeling, or feeling the exact opposite of what I'd expect. The book is flooded with explanations--telling instead of showing--that leaves no impact on the reader; it's just noise. I rarely DNF books, but this one was close.

Sun is bad, and I don't know what I'm missing about it. The finale is incredibly bland because, as I said, nothing ever goes wrong. There's no emotion or fight in our characters; they just watch things go by. And by GOD, do I hate flashbacks, and this motherfucker is chock full of 'em. For the love of god, SKIP IT!

Children of Ragnarok

By Cinda Williams Chima - I read Chima's Seven Realms series and really, really loved them. So much, I decided I'm going to read everything else she's written. First, I'm reading the first book in her newest series, and I am happy to say Chima continues to satisfy my love of fantasy with Ragnarok.

The book suffers some pacing issues in the middle, but before and after that is some nonstop binge-reading. The intro sucks you in immediately; our two main characters are likeable and mysterious, though the male lead is especially compelling. Questions pervade his side of the story, and I was constantly trying to solve the mystery of his family. I've never cared more about the fate of someone's farm! Juxtaposed beside him, the female lead's tale offers necessary context for much of the male's story, but Chima has written an idiot. She is incredibly stupid, and the twists were very, "Well, no shit, sherlock." That made her half of the book fairly boring and...confusing? Why is she so dumb? How is she so dumb? Or am I genius??

The prose was acceptable, if not sometimes a little repetitive. How could Eiric's story be so good and Reginn's...not? There are intriguing element's to New Jotunheim in Reginn's story, but I was constantly wondering, "When do we get back to Eiric's story?" Eiric's character is harsh and complicated. His twists were frightening and shocking, his sister compelling and mysterious, his finale disturbing. How could one story be so successful and Reginn's so...meh?

Still, I loved this book. The world is rich and rooted in Norse lore, and Eiric's story was strong enough to carry me through to the end. Chima understands irony and pacing and good stakes, and despite the failings of Reginn's story and Chima's sometimes annoying prose, I'd still recommend you BUY IT!

Moloka'i

By Alan Brennert - I only tend to enjoy historical fiction if it somehow surrounds the suffering of women. Is that weird? Maybe, if not just cathartic. It's nice to read about women who are going-through-it.

Moloka'i follows the story of a girl's long life on the island of Moloka'i, where she lives inside a leprosy colony in the early 1900s. It details the trials and tribulations of living with Hansen's disease, all the while exploring how the illness impacts a person's life in this time period. It's a deeply moving story about love and loss and all the adventures of life, but more importantly, it transports the reader into a world mostly forgotten. The colony on Moloka'i is deeply realized and incredibly immersive. I often forgot this was historical fiction and not biographical. Brennert does a fantastic job paying tribute to the real people of Moloka'i, though I can only guess as much. He did inspire to me a wish to visit the island one day and tour the museums.

A greatly endearing piece of historical fiction about illness, prejudice, family, and spirituality. Not a page-turner for me, but definitely a tear-jerker. RENT IT!