#which probably why I project myself on him

[thelostpretzel]

Thank you for answering!

*mass likes all the stuff under that tag*

If I may ask, why is she dead though?

that's complicated so i'll hide it under cut

City of Heroes is basically a project about my very distorted inner world and every character embodies an archetype/characterisation/emotion. So when i'm going through bad times The City becomes SUPER agressive and some characters might die or eat each other (the white-black variation of Black Silver is the result of her eating her ex; she was the embodiement of anger, witchcraft and death all her life HUH).

The Trio of Survivors - The Woe, The Parasite, The Lady and The Maestro (Black Silver's ex by the way) are the only survivors after REALLY FUCKING BAD expirience of mental illness after which The City just collapsed. For a long time i've thought that all my characters are dead, but the Trio of Survivors got in touch with me and here they are! Every one of them combined a lot of dead character's symbols, like Woe looks a lot like Adam, her fishes was once Aik's hallucinations, her pallette looks like one of Sirius and so on (too much to unpack, sorry). The Woe once was my Savior archetype, The Hero of Light and my hope for happyness but... yeah she's basically just depression. A soft, quiet and kind one. But still a depression. The Lady is my feminity and body dysmorphia. The Parasite is the feeling that i'm going crazy and can't control myself and my actions. The Maestro is the outside that hates me and wants to control me and the things i can't win against. I hate him a lot but at least he's funky.

sooooo thats that

probably made a lot of mistakes but eh whatever

[911is]

My thoughts on the Diaz mostly Helena and Eddie's relationship.

____________________________________

I think the reason why Eddie’s parents especially Helena are so hard on him and so neglectful towards how is he and his feelings. Is because Eddie has always been around Helena; there has probably never been a moment where kid Eddie and Helena were separated. This makes Eddie biased and a mama's boy (at that age) and probably up until they took Chris.

But yeah yeah it’s always been Eddie and his mom together, which means Eddie had noticed his dad wasn’t around a lot and just unconsciously stepped into this role of being everything his mom needed, so that means helping around the house and just being an all around good kid for her. Obviously he got to do kid things; but the older he got the more he picked up on just be there and taking care of his mother.

So you have a barely present father and it’s you and your mom in this house together and Eddie is a person who’s always been anybody else but himself for other people. And this is where it starts.

And now Eddie’s got a new sibling on the way and his dad is telling him “step up and be a man” and Eddie is no longer having a sense of self; he’s a Son, he’s going to be a brother and now he needs to be a man. So the feeling of taking care of his mother grows and Helena is no longer seeing Eddie as a kid, she’s starting to see him as a person she can rely on.

( I don’t know how far apart in age the three of them are)

Helena has Adriana and Ramon isn’t there but Eddie was and his first thought was that he needed to get his mom to the hospital quickly. So what he does is he gets into his father car and tries to pull it around for his mom to get in. But since he’s a literal kid and doesn’t know how to drive he crashes the car. And when his dad finally gets back and sees that he doesn’t think good job for trying son; it’s probably what were you thinking and you’re grounded.

And the same thing with Sophia Ramon isn’t there in the beginning of it; he literally says in a episode I wasn’t there in the beginning but I made i always make it to the best part which Is the baby is born and he gets to hold them. but more than likely Eddie was there during the start.

And then Ramon was probably off again which left Eddie with Helena and his two sisters. And Eddie’s taking more of a caring role: he’s making his sisters breakfast probably because Helena is too tired and he’s probably helping out more around the house than usual cause his father can’t/isnt.

So once again Eddie isn’t seen as a little boy in his parent's eyes now, especially Helena. He's her rock, her little man, and her biggest helper. She more than likely relies on him to be that for her.

So now Eddie's this adultifed kid that mom leans on and he's seen even more as an adult at eighteen; becuse now Eddie has Chris and now it solidified what Helena and Ramon already made Eddie out to be a Man a adult.

So Helena can't be more sensitive towards Eddie because its set in her mind Eddie should know better and do better by now.

And I haven't gotten into the fact that maybe she and Ramon probably sees Chris as a second chance to raise a kid in their own vision.

Helena especially, this is my opinion that she sees Chris the way she never got to see Eddie.

A kid that she can baby a son that needs her that relies on her. She wants to right a wrong, it is why she was so adamant about getting Eddie and Chris to stay out in El Paso with her and Ramon.

And I can honestly go on about this in more detail but I won't cause this post is already too long.

[perilegs]

ok i might need to force myself to not romance astarion bc i don't want to know what it says about me to turn down karlach, the woman of my dreams, the character made to cater me personally, like, if she was real i'd bring the moon and stars down for the chance to see her smile, she's everything i've hoped for in a rpg companion, what does it say about me if i turn that down for someone like astarion

[verystressedcollegestudent]

if there's one thing i hate more than slackers in group projects its goddamn hypocrites

[unknownmads]

CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT INMATE TOJI AND CUTE LITTLE Y/N WHOS SO NAIVE TO BIG BAD TOJI

CW: Slight smut (mentions of his pp🤭)

☆☆☆

thinking about Prison toji who you met when your college has you do a little project in your criminal psychology class. The project was make a penpal get to know them ask why they are in prision, what their lives before was like, do they regret what they did etc. basic questions of course all you had to do was get the most information out of the penpal about their personal lives as you could.

Prison Toji who only signed up for the program because it was part of his latest court order saying he ‘needed more understanding’ so a penpal would give him a friend while they stay safe😭 he ofc hated the idea and thought it was the dumbest shit ever. until he got his first letter, from you (duh).

Prison toji who got mail for the first time and it was a little white envelope with a cute little sticker sealing it. He deadpanned *is my penpal an idiot these letters are for a prison not a daycare* he silently judges examining every detail as he opened the letter. i read the letter taking in every little personal detail you shared with him, your cute little name, how you loved your cat, how you’re new to the city only just moving for school, of course the boring questions for him as well. But at the very end of the letter he noticed an extra little note.

Ps. i left a few photos of myself along with some of my cat! i think it’s only fair since i got to see your photo on the website

Prison toji who grabs the envelope he previously had thrown to the side and pulls out 3 polaroids. One of you and probably your cat you’re dragging it into the photo with a big grin on your face. the second is a photo of your face a soft smile on your lips meant for whoever took the photo but Toji couldn’t help but wonder if that little smile was for him. Until he pulls out the third photo it’s a full view of you, you’re out in the city dressed all out, and Toji couldn’t help but know you chose that photo just for him.

Prison Toji who can’t wait to finally get some alone time so he can truly appreciate your pretty photos. And immediately goes to write you back answering all your cute little questions. Telling you where he lived before, how he ended up there, telling you what he did for work before (Surprise he sold drugs😍), telling you what he does to occupy his time here (he works out he just wanted an excuse to tell you how strong he is), and he asks you some questions.

Prison Toji who has been relentlessly flirting with since you started writing to him, asking if you had a boyfriend, how your school was going, why you moved to the city, how a cute lil thing like you is still single. You had been writing each other for a few weeks now which is a lot less than you think when you know how long mail takes. But your letters to each other are long. answering every little thing each other asks, learning about one another more and more. You had really connected so you finally ask him the big question he read the words as clear as day.

~Do you think i could come pay you a visit? ~

Prison Toji who had to immediately write back answering the most important question first.

~ And doll, you can come visit me anytime id love to finally meet you and see your pretty face in person~

he wanted to be nonchalant.

Prison Toji who was sitting in bed looking at your photos when he was called

“Zenin, you’ve got a visitor. away from the door.”

Prison Toji silently followed standing on the other side of the cell while the guard came in to handcuff him and bring him to the visiting area. Once he was in the room his cuffs connecting him to the table he waited. until he heard the door open again. He felt his cock twitch in his pants as he saw the guard guide you in. You were wide eyed taking in the new environment until they landed on him.

Prison Toji was large, you knew he was tall and muscular thanks to his letters and photo but nothing could have prepared you for the real deal. Eyes widening even more when you fully take him in. seated At the grey metal table his hands on the table as the guard had told him to. his hair poking at his eyes which were staring drinking you in. his lip in a smirk helping you notice the scar on it which you couldn’t really see from the grainy prison photos. His shirt stretched against his muscles showing off a few tattoos hidden along his skin. the view making you squeeze your thighs together to release some of the pressure building.

Prison Toji who took in as much of you as he could as he watched you shuffle into your seat across from him, enjoying how you squirmed slightly within his gaze, his smirk growing into an almost full smile.

“hey doll it’s good to finally meet you.”

[dollfacefantasy]

Restless Dreams

pairing: leon kennedy x fem!reader

summary: leon gets home late after another hard day at work to you having some extra sweet dreams.

cw: nsfw (18+), smut, p in v, fingering, somnophilia, wet dream

word count: 3.6k

a/n: hey everyone!! hope you all enjoy this :) i guess i've been into soft leon with somno lately idk LOL. i was kind of tired myself when writing/editing this, so forgive any errors pretty please. new divider from here. thank you for any comments and reblogs <3

tags: @sleepyluxe @kaitkatme @tosuckmyweenis @pupthepokemonenthusiast @bizzarethirst @death-paint @petitecolibri @iron-toxinz @wildest-dreams-at-midnight @nexysworld @explorevenus

“So what time do you think you’re gonna get here?” you ask before blowing on the drying polish that coats your nails.

“My shift finishes up at 12, and then I gotta file some reports. I’ll probably be done at 1, so not too long after that,” Leon explains through the phone. Despite his attempt to lay it out for you, there’s still a pause, one he came to recognize as your reaction of displeasure. A smile plays on his lips. “But you know the real answer is as soon as I can.”

You look down at your phone on your vanity, a pout forming on your face. Obviously, it wasn’t his fault he had to work so much now. He’d warned you when he started at the police station a few months ago, but it didn’t prepare you for how much you’d miss him.

It made you feel dumb, that nagging, achy feeling of longing in your chest. It wasn’t like he was off to war or something. You still saw him almost everyday. But more and more of his time was consumed by work now. Even when he was with you, he was often exhausted. 

Sometimes all you could think about his new job was that he was your boyfriend, not theirs. You’d mentally scold yourself for being so immature when that happened, but the sentiment still lingered in your head.

“Ok…” you say, trying to keep your voice neutral. He hears the dejection in your tone though.

“Baby,” he coos in that voice that sent warmth through your spine and got you to agree with everything he said, “You know I’d rather be with you. I’m just new and have to take the time to learn. Plus, with the caseload and the number of officers here, they need me at the station.”

“I need you more,” you say. You try to pass it off as playfulness, but it comes from real feelings. Your heart was beginning to tense with resentment for the RPD for taking him away so much. You knew the job meant a lot to him though which is why you would never unleash your admittedly petty frustrations.

A low laugh leaves him, and you can hear that loving smirk on his face as his voice comes through your phone’s speaker.

“Do you now? You’re really missing me that much?” he teases, leaning back in the driver’s seat of his cruiser. 

He knew that you did in fact miss him that much. And even though, since starting at the police station, he tried to project the image of a tough guy, he missed you just as much. That’s why he started calling you during lulls in his shift.

“Mhm. It’s not fair. It’s like I’m sharing you with the station. And I don’t like sharing,” you say with an exaggerated huff.

“Oh, I know you don’t,” he chuckles. He sighs happily, checking the time to calculate how much time was left before he could have you in his arms again. “But not much longer, baby. Then you get me all to yourself for the whole weekend.”

“I better,” you grumble with a smile.

“I promise you will,” he says genuinely. A light on his dashboard flickers, alerting him that his attention is needed elsewhere. “Just don’t stay up too late waiting for me tonight, ok? Your rest is important.”

“Seeing you is more important,” you respond.

“I know, but I prefer my girl when she’s not all cranky and sleep deprived. So try tonight, sweetheart. For me?” he asks.

“I guess,” you concede. Your heart already aches, knowing he’s about to hang up.

“I love you, baby,” he says softly, “I’ll see you later.”

“I love you too,” you tell him before he disconnects the call.

The silence that falls over your room makes it feel even more empty. You tap the glass screen of your phone, scanning for the time before you finish getting ready for bed. Your mouth curves downward when the numbers light up on the screen.

Only 10:30. Too much time till you’ll hear him come through your front door, but it’s not like you can do anything about it. You haphazardly go through the rest of your routine before dragging yourself over to your bed and getting in.

Sliding between the soft pink sheets, you flop down against your pillow and stare at the ceiling as you contemplate how to kill the time. Nothing grabs your interest because none of it’s him. It’s all just filler.

And worst of all, you were starting to feel sleepy. You wanted to wait up for Leon so badly, but you also went through a whole day of your own that tired you out. Plus, your bed was just so comfy with your plush blankets and full pillows, stuffed animals and frilly decorative cushions scattered on one side.

Thinking it would help to keep your eyes actively focused on something, you try to read. Your eyes scan over the words, and it isn’t long before you realize you’d made a horrible mistake. Moving your eyes along the page only made them more drowsy.

Next you turn on the tv and put on something you didn’t really have to pay attention to. But the soft glow of the tv casts across you and the low chatter of the characters becomes background noise, making it even harder for you to keep your eyes open.

You lazily reach across your bed and grab the bunny stuffie Leon had bought for you a few weeks prior. Tucking it beneath your chin and close to your chest, your drooping eyes fall shut and your breaths become soft and even. Barely any time has gone by before you’re sinking into slumber.

Leon glances down at his phone, the small numbers illuminating 2:04 in the darkness of the hallway. He enters your place with the key you gave him and shuts the door as quietly as possible. He knows you’re sleeping from seeing the dark bedroom. Already feeling guilty for taking longer than he’d expected, he didn’t want to add to that feeling by waking you up.

He makes his way to your room, padding silently down the hall. Once he reaches the door, he pushes it open with almost no force in an attempt to avoid even the slightest creak. You’re where he expected you to be, curled up in your bed, completely peaceful as you slept. He knew he probably looked like a little lovesick puppy right about now, eager to hop into bed and snuggle up to your side, but he didn’t care.

It takes him no time to shed his police uniform. He makes quick work of unlacing his boots and kicking them off. His pants and shirt crumple up at the foot of your bed next to his belt and socks. Finally, once he’s got on a pair of sweatpants he kept at your place, he climbs into bed with you.

He shoves your stuffies and extra pillows out of his way with a playful roll of his eyes and gets as close to you as he can. His arm drapes over you, and he nuzzles the back of your neck, planting a few kisses on the base of your head. You smelled so good, felt so soft, perfect to come home to.

His body melts into the mattress, and he’s ready to give into his own urges to sleep. That is until he notices you’re not as peaceful as you appeared from the doorway. His eyebrows raise as he feels your legs squirming. Restless movements from your feet beneath the covers and your thighs shifting aimlessly against each other.

He’s ready to brush it off at first. ‘Must just be having some wild dreams,’ he thinks with another kiss to your head. But then he hears the faintest sound, so quiet that he probably would have missed it had he been focused on anything else. It’s a whimper. A gentle, tender squeak that slips from between your lips into the cool air of your bedroom.

Now, his face conveys his concern. He worries you’re having a nightmare. That at any moment you’ll wake up with tears in your eyes and your heart pounding out of your chest. Immediately, he begins stroking your arm, kissing your temple, murmuring “It’s ok, baby. I’m here.”

But you make that little noise again, and this time it paints a different picture in Leon’s head. This whimper didn’t sound scared or stressed, like you were crying out for his protection. No, this sound brought to mind images of you writhing beneath him, nails marking his biceps with small crescents as he pumped himself in and out of you.

He shakes his head because that couldn’t be it. That’s just his horny mind creating things that aren’t there from being so pent up.

At least that’s what he tells himself until you make the noise again. It brings the same memories up, but this time he’s even more sure of it. He lifts his head off of yours to look down at you and try to figure out what to do next.

You look so cute, brows slightly furrowed, lips parted. As he brushes some hair from your face, he notices your fingers clutching your stuffed rabbit a little tighter. Your breath hitches for a moment before you let out a soft, sleepy whine of his name.

It’s unmistakable now what’s going on. He smirks and traces a finger over your lips. The pad of his index finger drags on your bottom lip slightly, turning your mouth into that pout he loved so much. He leans and kisses your cheek as you whine again.

“Please.”

He chuckles at how needy you sound even in your sleep, but at the same time, your voice has blood rushing to his cock while his head swirls with desire. He shifts his own hips, subtly pressing his erection against your ass. His eyes flutter at the minute pleasure. He grows more bold, and his hand rubs your hip before coasting up your side to your chest, giving your breast a gentle squeeze.

You whimper louder and squirm. He squeezes again softly while lowering his head to your neck to lay some tender kisses on the side of your throat. His palm leaves your tits and smooths down over your tummy in the direction of your shorts.

Cautiously, he maneuvers his hand past the waistband and dips into your panties. He cups your pussy, feeling the heat radiating off the area. A single finger slides between your folds in almost an exploratory touch. He feels your slick all over his digit. Clearly, this dream was a pretty good one.

He begins to use another finger, sliding the two up and down through your wetness. You roll onto your back, your breasts rising and falling as your breath gets heavier. Your thighs spread a little as if you subconsciously sensed his presence between your legs.

In your dreams, Leon was doing a lot more than rubbing you with his fingers. After you had fallen asleep, it felt like no time had passed. All of the sudden you were just on the table in your dining room, spread out for his rapture. 

You didn’t realize you were dreaming, everything felt so real. To you, he was really there, looking down at you with those loving yet lecherous eyes. Hands roaming your exposed body, lips caressing your skin all over. Everything seemed light and airy while also feeling heavy and thick. Your head, filled with clouds, slipped in and out of the moment. The sensation of him rutting his cock between your thighs and sliding inside of you was your reality at the moment.

In actual reality, Leon continues to move his fingers slowly, swiping them over your entrance and taking them back up to circle your clit. You mewl when he applies some pressure, sending sparks through you. Your squirming becomes more motivated, and he can tell your drifting away from your restful sleep back toward consciousness.

“I’m right here, sweetheart. I’ve got you,” he murmurs, his voice huskier with arousal this time around.

You hear his voice in your dreams. The deep rumble enters your ears as you envision his hips pistoning into your wanting cunt. You mumble something in response, but he can’t understand the sleepy babbling. He rubs your clit a little harder with some more speed. You twitch in response, yet your eyes remain closed.

“I know, baby. I know it feels so good,” he coos and kisses behind your ear.

More incoherent words fall from your mouth. He sucks love bites into your neck, and you tilt your head back, craving more of that feeling. The dream version of him began mimicking the actions of the real Leon as you neared waking.

Whining louder, your fingers dig into the smooth fur of your plush bunny before letting it go. He nips at the sensitive skin of your throat as his fingers travel down and push inside your heat.

The feeling rips a moan from you and causes your eyes to open. Your back arches as he works them deeper. Your hips wriggle a little as you make sense of what’s happening.

“Leon?” you whimper. Your sleepy eyes struggle to stay open after being torn from the fog of sleep.

“That’s right, baby. It’s just me. You were having some nice dreams, weren’t you, pretty girl?” he says.

“Mhm,” you hum mindlessly.

“About me?” he teases, eyes watching your body fidget with the pleasure you felt.

“About you,” you confirm before he leans down and kisses your lips. They were so soft against his own. He slowly moves his mouth with yours and languidly slides his tongue against yours.

You moan into the kiss as his fingers curl within you and hit your favorite spot. Your feet lightly kick at the sensation. Your hips rise a little as you feel the flood gates holding your release about to break.

You’re too sleepy to tell him out right, but he knows the signs. He keeps working you there until your body seizes and arches off the bed. You let out a throaty moan and turn your head to bury your face against his shoulder.

“There you go. Let it all out, sweetheart,” he whispers and kisses your head.

You ride out the high on his hand, and by the time you’re done, you’re ready to fall asleep again. Your mind is hazy with the fog of release. You’re drifting off as your body settles without even realizing it.

You’re only yanked back to reality by Leon scooping you up into his lap. He’s sitting with his back to the headboard, and he situates you between his thighs, back against his chest. His arms keep you caged in nice and close, safe and warm.

“Don’t fall asleep again just yet, babydoll,” he murmurs while kissing up your neck.

Your head lolls back against his shoulder. The fight to stay awake gets a little easier as his hand returns to your soaked panties. He doesn’t tease this time, just slides in two fingers and starts moving them in and out.

The new angle makes you squirm and whine, but he holds you tight in place with his free arm.

“Gotta work you open, honey. Can’t just slide my dick in you with no warm up,” he says with a smirk.

His voice pulls you towards lucidity a little more. Your hands wrap around his free arm for support while your hips instinctively roll into his blissful touch.

“I missed you,” you choke out between gasps and whimpers.

“I know you did,” he teases, grinning against your throat. His cock throbs against the small of your back as his ears latch onto the sound of your slick around his fingers. “Came home to cuddle with my sweet girl, and I find her having such dirty dreams.”

Your cheeks heat up as you start to piece together what had happened. You fully realize now that your escapade on the kitchen table was entirely in your mind. You feel embarrassed for a moment, but the feeling dies pretty quick as you rapidly approach the edge for a second time.

“Not my fault,” you whimper shyly.

He chuckles and kisses your temple once more. “I know it’s not. If anything, it’s mine. I think I’ve been neglecting my baby,” he says with a mocking lilt in his voice.

You cry out as his fingers brush against those same spots that brought you to the finish last time. Your hips twitch, and you grip his thighs as your peak rises within you. Moments later your cumming all over his fingers, sucking in a harsh breath as a second release courses through you, even more intense then the last.

His free arm keeps you secure against his chest while rubbing your side soothingly. The heel of his other palm roughly massages your clit as his fingers pump in and out.

“Good girl,” he coos, “That’s it, just one more and then I can put you to sleep how you deserve.”

As soon as you seem to be coming down, Leon lifts you up again, tugging your clothes off and moving your body around like a doll to get you in the position he wants. You were definitely more pliant after two orgasms, but you could also see how his training had been paying off. Maybe this new job wasn’t all bad.

He has you on your back now, thighs against your chest and knees hooked over his arms. Again, he had no patience to tease right now, so after pushing his sweats down to mid thigh, he takes his cock and slides it in you with no hesitation. He groans as your hole takes him in, your walls pulsing around him even after he bottoms out.

“So wet. I can just slide right in,” he mumbles as his own hips twitch.

Your eyes droop at the stretch. It always felt so satisfying, having him buried balls deep in you. As close as he could possibly be. No fear of him leaving or pain of being separated. You whine and reach up to pull him closer.

He follows along and rests his face against your neck as he begins thrusting. You hear him panting right in your ear. His hands grip your hips so hard you know there’ll be marks.

“Perfect pussy’s made for me,” he grunts while snapping his hips, “Miss it every second I’m not inside it.”

You nod lazily as you continue to clamp down around him. After two releases, you didn’t even feel a building ecstasy anymore, just a constant stream of pleasure.

“Leon,” you whine, “Harder. Wanna feel it.”

He moans at your plea but indulges you, grabbing you harder, pressing your legs higher, filling you deeper.

“Wanna be sore after, don’t you, sweetheart? Want a reminder of me while I’m at work. Something to tide you over till I can do this again. Won’t have to rely on dreams then, right?” he says.

“Yeah,” you whimper. Your bed creaks as he picks up the pace, but your moans mask the sound as they grow in volume.

He fucks into you over and over, stoking the flames within himself, trying to build to that explosion. You were so tight, so warm. He hums another low moan and whimpers softly as he feels it right there. He gasps softly before holding you tighter and muttering in your ear.

“Ready for another one, honey? Gonna be the last one and then we’ll get you comfy and off to sleep.”

“Yeah,” you moan again, unable to say much else.

“Good… good girl,” he moans before his hips buck wildly and he finally releases.

You finish for a third time. You cling to him tight as the euphoria washes over you again. Locking your legs around his hips, you keep your face pressed to the warm skin of his neck as it goes through you. You feel the hot flood of cum he fucks into you. His chest is heaving now too as he recovers from the high.

He stays on top of you for a moment before pulling out. You cling harder upon losing that full feeling. He smiles at your desire to be close to him and gives you one more kiss before sitting up.

“So sweet to me, baby. I hope that made up for the late night,” he whispers and strokes your hair.

“It did,” you say with a nod. Your eyes were already shutting again, ready to go back to sleep after being fucked so good.

He looks at you with all the love in the world as he pulls his sweats up. He then helps you pull your panties and shirt back on, trying to laugh at your sleepy, half-assed movements.

After that, he gets you all tucked in next to him, snuggled up in his arms like he originally intended. He even grabs that stuffed bunny he got you and fits it close to you in case you want it.

“Get some rest, honey. You need it,” he whispers while rubbing your back.

“Mhm,” you respond tiredly, “You too. You’re all mine for the weekend, and I don’t want you tired out the whole time.”

“Alright, but I’m gonna be tired out if we do some more of that again tomorrow,” he jokes. He pulls you close to him and shuts his eyes, nestling his head against yours and settling in to rest.

That puts a smile on your face and you nuzzle him once more before letting yourself fall asleep for the night.

[faewoozi]

i win. ft hoshi x fem!reader ( 18 + MDNI )

summary: if kwon soonyoung has one hater in this universe it’s definitely you. despite having the same friend group you’re usually icy to him as you can't seem to get along to save your life. or at least that's how it appears. soonyoung though through his own curiosity discovers a truth you've tried to bury deep inside…maybe something else needs to be buried deep inside you, and it will if he gets his way.

♡ pairing: hoshi x fem!reader

♡ genre: smut w a lil plot ( growth! )

♡ word count: 9.5k

♡ this work feats: hoshi being annoying lmao, reader also being annoying. fingering, protected piv sex ( proud of myself for that one), oral ( receiving ), lots of descriptions of lady parts, there is a LOT of swearing in this one. some mild jihoon flirting too. let me know if I missed anything.

a/n: feel free to judge me for that summary because I deserve it lmao. as an aries i got that dawg in me so i'm probably just as competitive as hoshi. which is probably why reader is a lil petty. i could not imagine the chaos unleashed upon the world if hoshi could read minds in reality. anyway i'm having a ton of fun writing in this weird little universe. I think I was going to write Jun next butttttt there's a part two to this one specifically. Yes it is woozi x reader x hoshi why do you ask? I haven't revealed what Woozi's ability is yet either so it's gonna be fun! also time travel, campus radio dj!vernon is coming too because i've started working on that one as well.

“Is Soonyoung coming?” You found yourself asking despite already knowing the answer. Seokmin had finally come out of being stuck in his girlfriend’s armpit and actually wanted to see his friends for once. He had recently scored his first big paying theater gig and wanted everybody to come out and celebrate tomorrow. That meant you of course…but also…Kwon Soonyoung.

“Y/n he’s one of my best friends. I can’t not invite him. He even taught me to dance, I doubt I’d be scoring these kind of roles if he hadn’t helped me.” Seokmin replied in exasperation, but he was pouting. This wasn’t the kind of thing you could turn down without hearing about it every single day or your life with Seokmin.

“Fine. I’ll come with Jun, stay for an hour but the moment he starts up with me I’m gone.” You said in irritation, already regretting the idea that you'd be in a room with him.

“You know that old saying right? He’s only messing with you because he likes you. Or maybe because you started it. I don’t know, it’s kinda hard with Soon he doesn’t know what the high road is. If someone’s mean to him he takes that as a personal challenge to either get them to like him or to hate him more.” Seokmin responded and you frowned.

You knew all too well how irritating you could be but you didn’t start it. Soonyoung started it the moment he called you dour and boring — unprovoked no less! You'd been minding your business and no you were never interested in involving yourself with the weirdness Soonyoung got up to. That didn’t make you boring, it made you sane. So it was fuck him until the end of time. Or that’s what you were trying to project anyway.

“He started it. I’m just finishing things.” You snapped and Seokmin feigned hurt. You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose. “I said I’d come okay. That’s all you’re getting out of me. I do not have to be happy about it at all.”

“That’s…not nice. But I won’t complain. It’ll be fun. Lots of drinks, he won’t even know you’re there.” Seokmin said patting your shoulder gently.

You scoffed at Seokmin. “That’s what you said last time when we did that birthday dinner for Hannie and within five minutes we were arguing and I was about to hit him over the head with a fire extinguisher and go to jail.”

Seokmin couldn’t fight back a grin. “Oh yeah you did almost kill him that night. I forgot that’s why we stopped inviting you both to things. But you know what? After that night he told me he doesn’t really think you hate him. He was really freaked out at first. He said he’s always able to win everyone over. But not you, but then I don’t know…the next morning he was all happy. He said you didn’t actually hate him. You were just keeping up appearances, being tsundere or whatever.” 

You sighed. “That’s because he lives in la la fucking land and doesn’t understand boundaries and reality. This is why I really don’t want to go.”

“Wow, so you mean it? You’re going to miss out on such an important event in my life because of one guy? Kwon Soonyoung of all people? He can dictate your whole life like that?”

You let out a groan. “Hey don’t use your shitty psych electives on me. I’ll go. But like I said one hour and then I’m gone.”

It took around forty five minutes for Soonyoung to figure out you were at Seokmin’s party. Longer than you anticipated but still right at the hour mark nonetheless. Which meant it was time to go, except you literally had no idea where your ride was. One moment you and Jun were dancing, giggling with one another and then the next he was gone and somehow Soonyoung was there. He had a wicked grin on his stupidly cute face and the grin was only growing wider.

The intensity of the urge to hit him and then kiss him was stronger than anticipated no doubt due to the fact that you were two red solo cups in with whatever jungle juice Mingyu threw together. That is what also made Soonyoung infuriating. Not only did he annoy you to no end but he had the nerve to be so enticingly attractive and sometimes hilarious while he did it, which made it hard to be his number one hater a title you took even more serious than your grades at this point.

“You come to parties now?” He asked, hiding his grin against the rim of the cup in his hand.

“Why are you talking to me?” You responded in irritation and he lowered his cup slouching against the wall to face you fully.

“You’re always so bitchy with me. It’d be annoying if I didn’t know you think I’m cute.”

Heat flooded your face for just a moment. How the hell did he know that? You never told anyone...well maybe Jun, glancing at him though he had the same shit eating grin he wore when he felt he was right or winning at something. And a good portion of the time he was wrong. He was saying this to get you riled up no doubt, just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks so he could use it against you at some point in some awful embarrassing way.

You let out a bitter laugh. “Funny, I thought you’d gotten past your delusional phase.”

Soonyoung leaned in closer his breath ghosting against your ear. “I’m practically shit faced but I know for a fact you want to ride my dick.”

This caused actual laughter to burst out of you. He was definitely drunk, and definitely trying to get under your skin. He usually went the obnoxious route, seducing you or whatever this was seemed to be a new trick he was trying out. You had no doubt that if you admitted it he’d personally make a website dedicated to the fact just to embarrass you. Or he'd rent out the band or something to broadcast it to everyone. Either way you weren't biting. “Soonyoung, you’re drunk. Get away from me.”

You started to walk away but he took hold of your arm pulling you back. Taking in the look on your face he immediately let go and took a step back. But he was still smiling, and it wasn’t his shit eating grin. This was something else. This was a smirk, a knowing — you didn’t like the look of that at all. Which is probably why you even bothered engaging him. The last thing you wanted was for him to think this was a conversation he won.

“Look whatever you think you know you’re wrong. Once back in sophomore year I think I told Jun you looked cute at the talent show. You had on leather pants — it was cool to see you dance because that’s the only time that night you weren’t talking and you weren’t fucking being the bane of my existence. The Y/n of now is wildly different and understands that leather pants, good dancer or not, you’re the absolute worst.” You said with a nonchalant shrug.

But that didn’t deter him at all. He looked bemused, utterly unconvinced by what you were saying, which seemed to infuriate you in your drunken state more. He should be wanting to argue, not just standing there smiling and looking completely rideable as he so helpfully pointed out. His grin widen. Shit. Did you say that out loud?

“We should make out.” He said in reply.

“Why the hell would I do that?” You asked in disbelief.

“Proof. If you don’t want me. Kiss me. I’ll be able to tell.”

You scoffed. “Fuck that. I’m going to find Jun.” You weren’t being baited into weird  Soonyoung shit. This is why the two of you didn't hang out. Being his friend was akin to majoring in getting into nonsense, something you had no interest in. You begin weaving through people at the party in search of your friend. But Soonyoung was right behind you.

“See this is the response of someone who definitely wants to fuck me. I mean you won’t kiss me because you know it’ll mess with you and I’ll be able to tell. A great philosopher once said that sometimes two people have to have sex to solve their problems.” He downed the rest of his drink and tossed the cup absentmindedly, accidentally hitting Chan in the head who was striking out with some freshman in his chem classes.

“Ow what the — ah shit Soonyoung leave Y/n alone we agreed that if you came you would back off we cannot have the cops show up again.” Chan said rubbing his clearly fine head.

“I’m not bothering you am I?” Soonyoung asked glancing at you.

“Yes you are go away.” You replied, standing on your tiptoes in search of Jun who was tall and should not be this hard to see.

“Said like someone who definitely wants my cock in their —“

You turned, grabbed Soonyoung by his face and smashed your mouth to his. This was supposed to prove a point, it would shut him up, there were witnesses to see that you had absolutely no interest in him — except for the part where his arm snaked around your waist and he pulled you flush against him. And the part where his tongue was in your mouth and he tasted like something sweet ( but also like alcohol). Oh and the part where it was an achingly good kiss. A kiss you needed to stop.

“Finally.” A voice that sounded suspiciously like Seungcheol.

“It was so annoying watching them bicker.” Wonwoo definitely.

“God I wish that was me.” Awww Chan.

But nope. This had gone on long enough. You had an image to uphold. You pulled away from a semi dazed Soonyoung and wiped your mouth with the back of your hand. Then you spit on the floor.

“Hey! I live here!” Mingyu exclaimed in mild horror pushing through the crowd.

“Fuck that was so bad. Is that really how you kiss?” With such soft lips and gentle swipes of his tongue?

“Uh, yeah, I guess so. No one's complained before.” You frowned and then let loose a condescending laugh.

“Just shows the quality of the people you date.” You nearly shouted through your laughter.

“Hey!” An offended voice rose from the crowd but you didn’t see who.

Soonyoung stared at you. He stood there silent for nearly a full minute. The room held its breath wondering what would happen, Mingyu had his phone out like the cops were on speed dial and then Soonyoung stepped as close to you as he possibly could and bent slightly,  lowering his voice so that only you could hear him.

“I’m going to make you cum so hard you forget your own name. You’re going to want my cock in you every single night. And because I like you so much I’m going to give it to you. Then you can have my soft lips and gentle tongue whenever you want.” He pressed a kiss to your mouth briefly and then he walked away disappearing into the throng of onlookers.

Suddenly Jun was at your side. “Oh my God are you friends with Soon now?”

Fuck Kwon Soonyoung. And not in the fun sexy way he wanted. But in the fuck him and his dog and his mom’s dog too kind of way. Because he had upended your brain. Who did he think he was declaring such filthy things to you at a party and then kissing you? And what was wrong with you? Because you found something thrilling and attractive about replaying those words over and over in your mind. Enough that occasionally at night your hand slid between your legs with them ringing in your ears.

And how did he know to say exactly what you thought of your first kiss? Soft lips and gentle tongue —- he nailed it. Just like he said he would. Somehow he’d discovered in that kiss that maybe you didn’t hate him as much as you said. He could have some endearing qualities but then he’d do something to infuriate you again, or maybe that was just easier than the alternative, actually trying to be his friend.

Maturity and growth were not welcome visitors in your life at the moment. You enjoyed the version of yourself that got to be petty and childish around him. Maturity would mean confirming what Seokmin said the other day but applying it to yourself. Maybe you messed with him because you found him attractive? Growth meant setting aside your stale grudge and actually attempting to be normal with him. But after the party? Those words? His declaration? He couldn’t win. He would be insufferable otherwise. There would be no giving in, Soonyoung simply could not come out of this victorious. You wouldn't let him.

“He’s the most competitive person we know. He’s going to make good on whatever he said. I know you know this.” Jihoon said as the two of you walked across campus to the library. No one knew what Soonyoung had actually said to you, they just knew he got quiet, which meant whatever he said required action. Soonyoung only got quiet when he was serious and he needed to strategize.

“Right, but Jihoon I know he confided in you. He tells you everything. Just say what you know and help me.” You pleaded.

Jihoon shrugged. “He only said that he wanted to ask you out. Shua told him you liked that Cuban place we went to a few weeks ago. That’s it.”

You looped your arm through Jihoon’s giddy at knowing this information for two separate reasons. Kind of cute he was seeking out advice from mutual friends to ask you out. Also good to know so you could turn him down and shatter his little pea brain, and ruin his plans of catching you off guard. You would not be swept off your feet and into his bed.

You and Jihoon continued across campus towards the library and Soonyoung came into view. You did a quick once over of him before taken sudden interest in a few people passing out fliers. As always he looked infuriatingly handsome. He approached both of you, his eyebrow raising at your interlocking arms.

“Y/n. Jihoon.” Soonyoung said. He seemed normal, laid back even, despite the fact that the last time you spoke or saw each other was over a week ago at the party. You’d been avoiding most other places you might go socially, usually going to third wheel with Seokmin and his partner when you needed social interaction. But definitely not Mingyu and Wonwoo’s or with Chan and Seungkwan. That was asking to run into each other.  And who knew what he’d do?

“Soonyoung, should we talk about the party? Did I hurt your feelings?” You were trying to keep your voice sincere.

“We can talk about it if you want? And my feelings aren’t hurt, they’re���well you already know how I feel.” Soonyoung replied with a sly grin.

“I thought that was a joke and you were drunk. We don’t even like each other, why would we take something like that serious?” You said dismissively and Soonyoung burst into laughter.

“I don’t joke about where I stick my dick.”

“Yep I’m gone.” Jihoon untangled himself from you and immediately turned in the direction you came from walking off.

You took hold of Soonyoung dragging him away from the front of the library and open ears. “Thank you so much for broadcasting that in front of Jihoon.” You hissed and Soonyoung just shrugged.

“He’s my roommate he knows more about my sexual history than anyone. He doesn’t care.” Soonyoung said waving the thought of Jihoon off, and then a dangerous gaze settled over you. “Wow, you look really fucking good today. Did you do that for me?” You scoffed. So maybe his words from the party got you a little riled up, but he was taking this too far. You dressed for yourself and yourself only. You would never consider in a million years whether Soonyoung liked something you wore.

“This has got to stop. This is worse than us trying to kill each other.” You declared, but Soonyoung stepped closer. His hand came to rest on your shoulder, his fingers brushed delicately against exposed skin. You fought to keep your breath steady, why was he so close?

“Oh. So that’s what it is. You like when I touch you.” The words escaped his mouth like a revelation as he glided a finger against your neck and then beneath your chin. He tilted your head upwards to look at him. “Soonyoung 1, Y/N 0 and simping harder than I’ve ever seen.”

Your hand shot up smacking his away from you. He would not move you, it didn’t matter that he looked as good as he did. It didn’t matter that his touch was sending little shivers through you. Your face remained neutral, but a slight smile begin to edge onto it. “If you’re keeping score then I’m going to actually have to start playing the game.”

Soonyoung raised an eyebrow at this. “Meaning?”

“You think the way to winning this —- thing that occurred at Seok’s party is by trying to seduce me. I get it Soonyoung, you like watching me squirm because it gives you the upper hand in our never ending power struggle of who hates who more but I haven’t been playing. I don’t think you could handle it if I did.” You said coolly, watching his expression shift. His jaw set and you could tell his competitive nature was kicking in.

“I’m pretty sure I could handle whatever you throw at me just fine. And this isn’t a game Y/n, since kissing you at the party, I don’t know. Something changed. I know it has in you.” Soonyoung responds but you’re having none of it. You know him, you’ve known him for years and whatever this is, Soonyoung will slip up sooner rather than later. He’s not being sincere in anyway, when has he ever been?

“Fine. Then consider the score reset. Soonyoung 0 and Y/n 0. We’ll see who wins.” You gave his chest a harder than necessary pat and then headed into the library confident that if you start throwing a few moves of your own his way this whole entire thing will collapse in on itself and you could return to how things were meant to be. Mutual dislike between the two of you, no sexual tension at all.

Soonyoung was winning. He was definitely winning. There wasn’t a move or a fake flirt you could do that he didn’t have a response for. The other night while getting tacos with Seungkwan and Chan you had the brilliant idea of casually sitting in his lap. You just knew it would absolutely throw him off his game. Chan and Seungkwan’s heads nearly exploded from it, but Soonyoung wrapped an arm around you and then attempted to feed you as if it was something you did everyday. He wasn’t even flustered. He didn't even break his stride in making fun of Seungkwan, you were just in his arms and then you had to sit there so it didn't look like he had completely bested you. Which he had.

Tonight would be different you declared. Your uni had gotten into the playoffs for the baseball season. It was a huge deal for your friends since Mingyu and Seokmin were both playing. You'd only been at the game twenty minutes when Soonyoung sat next to you after bribing Jun to move with ice cream and a bag of cotton candy. You'd been on your guard immediately. But Soonyoung was doing what he had the other night with the tacos. Acting as if all of this was normal. He bought all your favorite concession snacks, he made you take two pictures with him and his hand kept casually groping your leg like you were on a date. You were so confused by the whole thing you just drifted along unsure how to respond. You certainly didn't want to argue with him and ruin the night for everyone since this was such a big deal.

“Have you ever considered that he might be telling the truth?” Jihoon asked later that night at the game as you two stood in line for the bathroom. Soonyoung offered to escort you but you forced Jihoon up and out of your seats faster than you thought yourself capable. “I get that he’s…excitable but when he’s serious about something he can change drastically. This wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Do you even hear yourself? We don’t like each other. We’ve been fighting since high school. I didn’t even know he’d wind up here. If I did I would’ve gone to my second pick almost immediately to avoid him.” You groan and Jihoon looks as if he wants to be anywhere but having this discussion with you.

“Have I mentioned before that I don’t like getting in the middle of things like this? Especially when it comes to Soonyoung he’s intense.” Jihoon offered and you began to pout.

“That is so unfair. Everyone is on his side. Maybe he’s serious y/n, maybe he’s just tired of bickering, maybe he isn’t as petty as you think. Bullshit. All of you.” You said jabbing a finger at Jihoon who furrowed his brow and craned his head away from you like you were crazy.

“Wow. You two…are a lot alike. That’s mildly terrifying. Anyway, fine hypothetically if I was on your side what would you want me to do?” Jihoon asked, his tone full of regret as you began to smile.

“Flirting with him isn’t working. He just flirts back and it seems to confirm this idea that I like him, whatever. So I’m going to completely burst his bubble and flirt with you.”

Misery overcame Jihoon’s face. He opened his mouth to protest but you were already shaking your head. “Too late. We’re flirting. Try and make the reactions authentic.” You say getting ready to disappear into the bathroom.

“And if I refuse?” Jihoon questioned.

“I’ll tell everyone that you like holding hands. Seok, Gyu and Soonyoung especially would love learning that about you. They’d hold your hand every chance they got.”

Jihoon looked horrified but cowed. “I shared that with you in confidence and now you’re using it to blackmail me. Seriously you and Soonyoung would probably be a power couple. This is exactly what he’d do. Like shit, I’m kind of floored at how immature you both are." Soonyoung was prepared for every move you threw at him but he absolutely wouldn’t be prepared for the ones that you’d be throwing at Jihoon. It was hard to keep a diabolical laugh from bubbling out of you as you considered the thought.

---

Now Soonyoung was staring daggers into the side of Jihoon’s head. At first he’d been a little confused when you both came back from the bathroom and you sat down leaning your head to Jihoon’s shoulder, who stiffened and then relaxed after a moment when it became clear his life wasn’t in immediate danger from his best friend. Then you shared snacks and you legitimately giggled when your hands bumped into each other like you were in a rom com or something. Even then Soonyoung seemed a little lost but not upset.

But then to your surprise while talking to Jihoon about music theory class, out of reflexive habit his hand came up to move hair from your face. A move that threw you off enough to blush because it wasn't in Jihoon's nature to be affectionate in anyway. Jihoon blushed too as if realizing he made an error and for a brief moment something felt …different between the two of you. But then Soonyoung shifted and when you glanced his way he was scowling harder than you’d ever seen him. Now he refused to take his eyes off Jihoon, the look of betrayal on his face was hard to miss. You found yourself feeling a little guilty, this was only supposed to amplify the pettiness between you and Soonyoung, you didn’t want them blowing up at each other over it. Jihoon hadn't actually done anything wrong.

Sighing you rose to your feet. “Soonyoung can I talk to you for a moment?” He glanced up at you and immediately his face shifted, menacing glare gone, he gave you an impossibly cute smile and stood following you out to a walkway that seemed not to have as many people milling about.

“Don’t be mad at Jihoon. You look ready to kill him. It was my idea to use him to get under your skin.” You offered, and his face grew pensive.

“Yeah I know that. You’re doing a bad job of fake flirting with him. That giggle you did earlier, your voice never gets that high pitched even when you do find something funny.” Soonyoung responded in irritation. “But his responses on the other hand —- he was totally into it. Which is messed up because he knows how I feel about you.”

Now it was your turn to be confused. “Wait why do you know so much about my laugh? What do you mean he was into it? How do you feel about me?” The questions came one after another because these were all new revelations to you.

“Obviously I pay attention to you. I know Jihoon, we’ve been friends since we were kids. He wouldn’t do what he’s doing without intention. And I already told you that I want to be inside you every single night forever what is so hard to understand about that?” Soonyoung responded nearly in irritation.

“I—this is a game Soonyoung. A stupid one really. Let’s call a truce. This whole entire thing has gotten out of hand. Maybe we don’t have to dislike each other. We can actually try and be friends for once. But I don’t want you mad at Jihoon and I definitely don’t want the implications of what sleeping with you would do to my sanity.” You respond earnestly because other people getting in the middle of it was never the plan.

“I told you before. I’m not playing a game.” Soonyoung took a step closer to you and you took a step back until you hit the wall. His knee pushed between your legs until he could get as close to you as possible. His chest pressed into you, his groin against your thigh growing harder as he leaned down, his mouth capturing yours. And oh did you fold, you didn’t even try to resist. It felt impossible as his tongue pushed into your mouth. It felt impossible as his teeth nipped and sucked against your bottom lip. It felt impossible as a hand roamed across your chest, brushing against your left nipple until it pebbled under a gentle thumb. He coaxes your lips open, his tongue claiming every inch of your mouth as he sucks all the breath from your body. A kiss from someone you hate shouldn’t feel this good.

His lips dust over the shell of your ear, and you shiver. And when his hand slides over the curve of your hip and between your thighs, you whimper. Your body’s torn between fear and anticipation of the pleasure he can bring you but at what cost? Your hands go up pressing against his chest to stop him. He pulls back staring at you with hungry eyes.

“What are we doing?” You whisper shout at him.

“Personally I’m trying not to cum in my pants right now while still maintaining an air of sexiness and attraction. You?” Soonyoung replied.

“I’m — I don’t know. This is the weirdest thing that’s happened to me in a long time.” You offer because he was literally just playing with your nipple. No reason to stand on pride at this point.

“Hypothetically if I knew somehow that you didn’t exactly hate me as much as you say, would you go on a date with me? So that at least this part of it makes more sense?” He asked, two fingers dancing between the two of you.

“Hypothetically? I guess that would be okay. The date I mean.” And Soonyoung grins.

“Tomorrow night. Like six or seven?” You stare at him bewildered because what else can you even say at this point?

“Sure fine, seven.” Soonyoung grins even wider, pulls you into a hug, spins you around and smacks your ass and then takes off screaming back towards your seats that you’re going on a date. Great the entire campus can probably hear him. You don’t even go back inside. That’s enough of tonight for you. That’s definitely enough Soonyoung. The moment you’re back inside your dorm your head rest against the door. Why? Why would you do this to yourself?

“So it isn’t a joke? You’re really doing this?” Vernon asked. He’d been away helping his family the past few weeks after classes and hadn’t been on campus to see whatever was happening between you and Soonyoung unfold, apparently Minghao couldn't resist keeping him in the loop though.

“Apparently. Why are you here again?” You asked rummaging through your closet for something to wear.

“When Hao told me what happened I thought he was bullshitting me. I needed to hear it from the source. I talked to Soonyoung first. This is crazy, you hate Soonyoung.” Vernon said, all teeth and gums as he laughed.

“I don’t hate him! We’ve had our differences but we’re working on them now.” You replied defensively.

“Remember when you lined his boxers with chili paste? Or that time you were on a date with that one guy and he ruined it by asking about your fungus thing you had last semester? Or last year when we had the pool party at my house and he untied your top in front of everyone and Mingyu got like en entire eyeful? Or when you shaved the side of his head while he slept with Seungkwan and he went to his dance competition like that? You guys hate each other. Did you lose a bet? Is he holding your family hostage?”

You frowned. In the the weird vortex you’d been sharing with Soonyoung for a few weeks now, none of those old things had come to mind. You’d been way too busy plotting on how to win this made up game between the two of you. But you’d forgotten how often you messed with each other and now you were suddenly contemplating if this was a good idea. You stopped what you were doing and came to sit on your bed next to Vernon.

“I forgot about that stuff. Maybe you’re right. Maybe this is a bad idea. There's clearly been too much damage done. Mingyu still can't look me in the eye.”

Vernon’s eyes went wide. “What? No, don’t change your mind! We’re just all shocked at this turn of events, well most of us. Cheol and Jeonghan said this has clearly been sexual tension the whole time but they like to pretend to be right about everything. You can’t not go. He’ll legitimately kill me if he finds out I changed your mind somehow. That wasn't even the point, it's just so unreal.”

“But this is silly. It all stemmed from this crazy idea he got in his head that I want to sleep with him and it just kept going and going. I still don’t know how he found that out. I’ve never told anyone ever that I think he’d be good in bed. But he’s a dancer it’s kind of a given y’know?” You mused aloud to Vernon who had grown super quiet. “What?”

Vernon looked conflicted, and he began to tug on his ear as he processed how he would reply. “I’m going to tell you something that sounds really, really insane. But I swear I’m not saying it without reason. Do you remember last year when Seok went missing for like two weeks and we were all super worried and freaked out?”

You nodded. His girlfriend was hysterical and spent many a night crying on your shoulder. Everyone had been shocked and terrified thinking he died or was hurt or something. What made it even weirder was that his parents had gone missing too. It had been a rough seventeen days for all involved. Seokmin had spent the last year making it up to everyone but he still wouldn’t tell you what happened. But it seemed as if Vernon knew something.

“So okay look it’s like this. The reason our friend group is so tight is because we discovered kind of early on we were all different. In a weird way. We’ve all got these abilities I guess. Y’know like X-Men and shit. So like Seok can travel to different universes. Kwan has like empathy or whatever it’s why emotions get so high in him and everyone around him. I think Chan’s is running fast or something. Mine is time travel, which I can show you but you won’t remember us having this conversation it’ll just feel like déjà vu.”

You gave Vernon a hard long stare. You had no idea what you were expecting him to say but it wasn’t anything like that. “What the fuck? Are you high?”

Vernon rolled his eyes. “Look just hear me out. Soonyoung can read your mind. You didn’t have to tell anyone about thinking he’s fuckable or whatever. He found out by invading your privacy. Probably not on purpose, he goes out of his way not to actively use it but sometimes, if someone is thinking about him hard enough he can hear it anyway. I know that sounds insane but tonight start off by thinking the worst stuff you can about him. Watch how he reacts, then you’ll know I’m telling the truth.”

After that, completely convinced he was messing with you, you put Vernon out of your room and began the process of getting ready. Soonyoung said you’d just have dinner and go on a walk or something. Nothing too serious, so you tried to keep things simple. Still despite it all coming off as a bad prank, Vernon’s words echoed in your mind. Thinking something bad about Soonyoung wouldn’t hurt anyone, you never had to admit to trying it either. If it was a prank it wasn’t one they thought out very well. You’d be more than happy to throw that in their faces later.

At exactly seven Soonyoung was at your door. He cleaned up well, and smelled amazing. Enough that you considered abandoning the date for a moment and getting back to what he really wanted. But, almost as if he could read your mind, Soonyoung had other plans.

“I know it would be super easy to just throw our clothes off and be all over each other, but I want to actually take you out on a proper date. I don’t want you to think this is just a sexual thing.” Soonyoung said before you even got a “hi” out to him. Your eyes narrowed in brief suspicion but you figured he probably saw the desire all over your face. You didn’t exactly hide it in the moment. Maybe that's how he was able to figure this whole thing out.

“Well that’s what I was expecting. Who said anything about taking our clothes off?” You asked in mild annoyance, and locked your door behind you.

Soonyoung didn’t reply, he looked at you curiously but didn’t try to prove a point. Which was for the better because your mind was already drifting to Vernon’s words. So of course you began to think of some of the more disheartening things you’d thought about Soonyoung over the years. None of which were exactly nice, that mostly had been thought of in irritation and malice to make you feel better about something rude he’d done.

The shift was subtle and had you not been looking for it you wouldn’t have noticed it. But the date started off fine. He held doors, made small talk, laughed at your jokes and made some funny ones of his own. After he paid for dinner though you found silence stretching across the table between you. He didn’t look happy, he kept shifting and glancing at you and then looking away when you caught him.

“Something on your mind?” You asked in disbelief, because his mood had changed. Just like Vernon said it would.

“Did I do something between the game and tonight? I mean — I thought maybe we were turning over a new leaf but you don’t seem…you seem to feel about me the way you always have like maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Did you not like the date or…?” Soonyoung said quietly and your heart began beating wildly in your chest.

“What makes you say that? Have I been acting different or something?” You asked.

“No, I mean I guess that’s the thing. You seem into it, but then you sort of don’t. I can’t explain it.” He said solemnly, and then he offered you a tired smile. “Whatever I’m just thinking too hard. We got what we needed out of this date right? We don’t have to take things any further but I would like to try being friends. Think I’m getting too old to be fighting with you constantly., Jihoon said it's why I keep finding random grey pubic hairs.”

You were on your feet immediately, pointing an accusatory finger at Soonyoung. “Oh my fucking God. Vernon was telling the truth. You read my mind!” You accused rather loudly, enough for a few heads in the restaurant to turn and stare at you.

“What!? Noooo are you crazy? That’s impossible.” Soonyoung said trying to pull off the worst acting you’d ever seen.

“This — you — Kwon Soonyoung!” You turned storming out of the restaurant angrily. How humiliating. How long had he been able to tell what you were thinking? Shame flooded you, some of things you thought about him you couldn’t even repeat aloud to yourself. And he knew them, this entire time! That sneaky little fucker.

“Wait! Y/n please let me explain it was an accident!” Soonyoung caught up to you, hands held up in surrender as he came stumbling from the restaurant.

“How do you accidentally read minds?” You snapped at him, unable to process that you were actually asking the question.

“At the dinner for Jeonghan when you were trying to hit me over the head with the extinguisher I was scared for my life! It took Mingyu and Cheol to hold you back and everyone was pretty sure you were about to kill me. I just wanted to know your intent because there was such hatred coming off of you, and so when I took a teeny tiny baby peek even though you were physically trying to assault me your mind was…you were thinking about how cute I was when I was scared. And that was weird….I didn’t know what to make of it. So as time went on I started paying more attention to your stronger thoughts, not invading your mind, but the ones that leak out because they’re so intense. All the thoughts you had about me weren’t violent or even that angry. You were definitely annoyed a lot but Jihoon has that reaction all the time too. I was just surprised because most of the thoughts were kinda hot.” He finished, chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

“How long?” You demanded stepping closer to him.

“Huh?”

“How long have you been doing this?” You clarified and he looked sheepish.

“Since last year. I never stopped after the dinner. I was trying to work up the courage to talk to you about it or ask you out but everytime we got within six feet of each other we bickered and I’d forget. It wasn’t until we were at Seok’s party and I was drunk and just kept saying what was on my mind. And then you kissed me and you liked the kiss and —“

Your face fell into your hands. “Oh my God that’s why you knew what I thought about the kiss and why you said it back to me. It’s why I could never catch you off guard with the flirting. It’s how you knew I was faking it with Jihoon! This is — fuck you Soonyoung! This was a game that would literally be impossible for me to win, because you have telepathy!” You let out a hysterical laugh.

Soonyoung looked at a loss for words. “Why do you keep saying that? It was never a game for me. For two years I’ve been trying to work up the courage to say something. When I did I was drunk and it was the wildest thing I’ve ever said but it got a reaction out of you. And I wanted that so I just kept going because we would be amazing together if we stopped fighting for once.”

You stared at him. You had no idea what to make of things now, it all seemed too much. Learning telepathy was real was already a huge ask, learning that all this time Soonyoung’s feelings had been genuine and you were too annoyed with him to see that kind of overtook the telepathy thing.

“So—what now?” You asked because you genuinely had no clue what to do or say next. Your mind was a mess, you were in shock definitely and couldn’t form coherent thought.

“You win.” Soonyoung said, taking your hand in his. “I’m the prize. Let’s go.”

Soonyoung is in the living room in just his tight briefs. Your eyes are drawn like a magnet to the outline of his cock. He’s fresh out of the shower ( he got really nervous and sweaty on the drive home ) and you’ve relaxed some from earlier with two drinks and a lot of conversation about telepathy. You’re hovering in the kitchen nursing a glass of water wondering why in the world you agreed to come back to his place with him.

“You enjoying yourself?” He asks as he catches you staring.

He crosses the room and stands right in front of you. A solid wall of muscle and sex. It’s as though he has some kind of magnetic field around him. His presence is inescapable. Once you’re in his orbit, you can’t seem to think straight. You act like somebody you don’t even recognize. Your pussy develops a mind of it’s own. He is so full of potent, raw sexuality and energy. Everything about him screams run away, but your body is drawn to him anyway.

“Who am I kidding,” he says, his voice low and deep, as he bends his head and brings his mouth closer to your ear. “I stare at you no matter what you’re wearing. So I’m no better.”

“Stop,” You whisper. You can’t do this. You cannot let this man get a hold on you, because you know he was right earlier. You would be so good together. For whatever reason, you have insane chemistry, and you can’t let him take this any further. You can’t allow yourself to have any feelings for him. That would compromise every rule you made for yourself when it came to Soonyoung.

 “I can’t stop,” he says, his voice dropping another octave. He places a hand on your hip, and your skin blooms with heat. “Believe me, I’ve tried. I need to fuck you more than I have ever needed anything in my life.”

“We can’t,” You protest, but your voice is so quiet it’s barely audible.

“We can.” His other hand is on your other hip now, and he pulls you closer to him until your bodies are almost touching. “Look at me,” he commands.

And you do it. Just like that, because he told you to. Because your body obeys him and you don’t even know when that started to happen. You blink as you stare up at him. His pupils are so wide, they make his brown eyes appear black. They are full of longing and fire and need.

“It wouldn’t work. It would be a huge mistake,” You offer feebly.

He shakes his head. “No, it wouldn’t, and you know it. Let me take you to my bed and I’ll show you exactly how much of a mistake it wouldn’t be.”

You open your mouth but no words come out. All you can focus on are his strong fingers flexing on your hips. How good they felt last night when he touched you at the baseball game. How much you wanted him to carry on before you stopped him. Your core contracts, flooding your pussy with heat and making you suck in a stuttered breath.

Soonyoung narrows his eyes at you. "I’ll make you a deal.”

“What deal?” You breathe out the words.

“Look at the clock on the wall behind me, and if I can’t make you come in two minutes, then you can go to your dorm. But if I do make you come, then you spend the night with me. What do you say?” His voice has taken on that trademark competitive edge. He’s all cockiness now. Typical Soonyoung.

You lick your lips, staring at him. You’re already wet. But under two minutes? There’s no way he could pull that off. You’ve never had anyone make you come that easily. Not even guys you were really into. And you don’t even like Soonyoung, so you can hold out, right? Besides, every cell in your body is vibrating with sexual energy. You want his hands on you. You want his fingers inside you. Just this once. Just to relieve this constant aching need in your pussy. Just once. “Okay, but when you don’t get the job done in two minutes, you don’t get to leave me hanging,” You say with a tilt of your head.

He smirks, full of confidence and arrogance. “I’ll make you come no matter how long it takes. I promise.”

“Okay,” You whisper. What the hell are you doing?

“Eyes on the clock then,” he orders. “And be honest about the time.”

“Of course,” You insist, your eyes now trained on the clock behind him, watching the second hand tick around.

“Then start timing me,” he growls. It takes him exactly two seconds to get his hand inside your panties. You place your hands on the counter on either side of you to keep yourself steady as he slides his fingers through your folds. “So wet already,” he says with a wicked grin. “

“You have one minute and fifty seconds,” You tell him as the clock goes on ticking.

“Plenty of time,” he growls as he starts to rub the pads of his middle and pointer fingers over and around your swollen clit with the perfect amount of pressure. Pleasure skitters around your body. He presses his lips against your ear. “Oh, you like that, don’t you?”

“Yes,” You breathe, your knuckles turning white as your grip on the counter gets firmer. He’s still not going to do this in under two minutes though. But then he starts kissing your neck. Trailing his lips and teeth over your sensitive skin as he dips his hand further into your panties, pulling them down as he works his entire hand between your thighs and forces you to spread your legs wider apart. One minute, thirty-two seconds left.

“You like this more though, right?” Soonyoung whispers as he slides a finger inside you. He eases it in and out of you, and you bite your lip to stop from screaming his name and begging him for more. You’re not giving him any pointers. One minute, nine seconds. Clearly though, he doesn’t need any help. A few seconds later, he adds a second finger and your pussy coats him with slick heat and practically purrs his name.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he gasps out clearly enjoying this just as much as you are. He drives deeper until he hits your G-spot and starts to massage it with his skilled fingers. Holy mother of fucking God. Fifty-two seconds. You wonder briefly if he can hear your thoughts.

“I can.” He responds with a dark laugh. “I like it. Keep going.”

“Ok,” You  moan as you wrap your arms around his neck and cling to him while he finger fucks you like he has a telepathic connection to your pussy too. Like he just unlocked expert level and completely bypassed all the others. His lips dust over the shell of your ear.

 “Your cunt loves my fingers. Wait until it feels my cock.”

“Soonyoung,” You groan as the familiar wave of an impending orgasm starts rolling through your core. Your thighs are trembling.

“Keep your eyes on the clock,” he pants as you bury your face against him.

“Yeah, clock,” You gasp as your head goes on spinning and your body starts to vibrate with its impending release. You look over his shoulder. Twenty five seconds. He’s not going to do it. He drives his fingers harder and deeper while he starts grinding the heel of his palm against your sensitive clit. Twenty-two seconds.

“So wet. You hear that?” he questions. And you do. You hear the sound of your arousal dripping over his fingers as he works them in and out of you. Damn, he’s going to do it. Fifteen seconds.

“You’re going to come like my good little kitten so I can bury my cock inside you, too, aren’t you?”

“Fucking hell Soonyoung,” You cry out his name as your orgasm crashes into your body. He wraps one strong arm around your waist, holding you tight while he continues gently massaging your pussy as your body bucks and shudders. Your eyes roll in your head as you struggle to focus on his face. He’s staring at you. His eyes blaze with fire. But then he lets you go and walks to the other side of the room. The loss of heat makes you shiver in the cool room as you come down from the most intense orgasm you think you’ve ever had in my life. He opens a cupboard and pulls out something before walking back to you. It’s only when he’s standing right in front of you again that you see what he’s holding. A condom.

“Take off your pants,” he orders before he tears into the packet with his teeth.

 “I thought we were going to your room?” You whisper, surprised by how much the thought of him taking you to bed and continuing what he’s just started makes your entire body buzz with  excitement. He’s looking down, rolling the condom onto his cock. He looks up at you again to answer your question, his dark eyes locking on yours.

 “Oh, we are, but I need to fuck you right now, so take off the goddamn pants.”

 You swallow a thick knot of anxiety that feels lodged in your throat, but you start to slide both your jeans and panties down your thighs. What if somebody comes in here?

“Jihoon’s at a gig until late, he already told me. No one else is coming over they know we’re on a date,” he says, because that’s right he can read your freaking mind.

He wraps you in his arms and lifts you onto the lowest counter. “So this will work just fine,” he groans as he positions himself between your thighs. He mumbles something as he presses his huge cock against your opening. Your thighs are trembling.  “I’ll take this first go easy. Wouldn’t want your instinct to hit me to kick in.”

He doesn’t wait for an answer before he edges the tip of his length inside you, stretching you wide. It burns, but it feels so damn good too. You wrap your arms and legs around him, burying your face against his neck as he eases in deeper. “You’re so fucking tight,” he hisses through clenched teeth.

Then he takes hold of your legs and unwraps them from around his waist. “I need you to let me in, kitten,” he groans, full of frustration and impatience. He hooks his forearms under your knees, pulling your hips toward him and spreading your thighs wide open. Your heart starts beating wildly as he looks at you. So exposed and open and vulnerable, in a way you’ve never wanted to be. At least not in his presence. But the Soonyoung who might use this against you, see it as an opening to get the upper hand is gone.

“Fuck Y/n. Your cunt looks so good being stretched by my cock,” he groans, and you reward him with a moan as your pussy squeezes around him. “Just keep holding on to me,” he growls as he slides a little deeper, and wet heat floods your pussy. You cling to his neck, dragging your lips over his skin as his muscles vibrate with the effort of holding himself back. You can feel the raw power in every muscle of his body, and the fact that he’s trying to be gentle makes your heart ache. This is torture. The slow burning stretch of being filled by him is turning your brain to liquid, not to mention every other organ in your body. It hurts, but it’s not enough. You need all of him.

Suddenly, you’re overcome by a desperate need to be filled by him. A burning desire to have him deep inside you, until there is no space left between you both. Your pussy throbs with a deep, carnal longing for his cock. Dusting your lips over the skin of his neck, you smile as it elicits a deep growl in his throat. “I want more,” You whisper.

“More?”

“For the love of God, Soonyoung. Just fuck me,” You plead, surprised at your own words because you have never, ever, begged to be fucked before. And certainly not by a man as infuriating and hateful as this one. He curses as he drives all the way inside you. You press your mouth against his skin, muffling your cries of pleasure tinged with pain as he fills you. You try to squeeze your thighs, but he holds you open as he slides out before driving back inside. Warmth floods your core. Each time he pulls out and thrusts back in, your pussy rewards him with more slick heat.

 “Oh fuck,” You whimper in his ear as he groans in yours.

“You feel so fucking good. Being inside you… I knew it would…” He thrusts harder, and you always pass out as the crown of his cock rubs against something inside you that makes you scream in pleasure whilst also wanting to declare your undying devotion to him. Apparently love and hate really are two sides of the same coin. As the last tremors of your second orgasm pulse through you, Soonyoung whispers how pretty you are as he grinds out his own release. When he pulls out of you a few seconds later, the wet sound that echoes around the small room makes your cheeks burn with heat. He pulls the condom off and tosses it into the trash can. You lean against the counter with your legs wobbling like Jell-O and wondering what happens now. This is  unfamiliar territory for you.

But then he grabs hold of your hand and pulls you with him as he starts walking down the hall.

 “Where are we going?”

“My room, kitten,” he says with a wink. “I am nowhere near done with you.”

Despite what you just did in the kitchen, you feel nervous and kind of awkward as you stand in Soonyoung’s bedroom, next to his bed with questionable tiger striped sheets. He stalks toward you, and it makes a shiver run the length of your spine. You are so out of your depth here you just might drown. He runs his fingertips over your cheek. “Why are you so nervous?” he asks in a soft, gentle tone.

“This isn’t… I don’t usually do this kind of thing,” You say, old irritation flaring.

“Have sex?” he asks with a flicker of amusement.

“With people who I don’t even like, yes,” You snap. If he’s trying to mess with you, then he can go to hell.

“There’s my feisty little kitten.” He slides his hands over your hips and onto your ass, pulling you close to him so that you can feel his hard cock pressing against your stomach. “But you have nothing to be nervous about. You already know how hard you make me and how much I want to fuck you.” He reaches for the edge of your shirt and starts to peel it off you, and you lift your arms to help him. And now you're standing in front of him completely naked. His hands coast over your back, running over every inch of skin. 

“You’re beautiful,” he murmurs as he trails soft kisses over your neck. “I want to see every part of you. I want to taste you.” He pushes you back against the bed until you're lying on it. His hands slide up your thighs as he spreads them wide open until you're completely exposed to him. The look in his eyes makes your thighs tremble, and before you can stop him, his head is between your thighs and his mouth is on your clit.

He presses the flat of his tongue against you. He licks the length of your wet slit and damn near makes your eyes roll back in your head. “Fucking heaven, going to enjoy eating you out,” he murmurs before he sucks your clit into his hot mouth and swirls his tongue over the sensitive bud of flesh.

“Holy fuck,” You hiss as your toes curl and your thighs tremble.

He is so good at that. How much practice has he had? Suddenly, you don’t care. Heat and pleasure builds in your core and rolls through your thighs while he feasts on your pussy with more skill than any man his age should have all to himself. When he slips two fingers into you and starts to fuck you while he eats, you enter a whole new realm of pleasure. In fact, you think you might just have drifted onto another plane of existence. And when you look at his face, he catches your eye and winks, and you almost pass out.

He didn’t lie about enjoying this, he’s getting as much out of it as you are. You press your head back against the pillow, silencing your constant internal chatter and focusing on his magical fingers and tongue and the pleasure they are currently wringing from your body. And when you come with a breathy cry of his name, he doesn’t stop. Not even when you pull his hair and tell him you've had enough.

“I haven’t,” he purrs, wrapping his arms around the backs of your thighs to hold you close to his face as you squirm. “Give me one more and then I can fuck you as hard as I want to.”

A wave of pleasure rolls over you, knocking the breath from your lungs and rendering you speechless. You're so lost in the bliss that you almost don't hear him utter the question, "What's your name?"

"What?" You murmur in confusion chasing the pleasure shooting through you,

"Name?" He ask again, his mouth vibrating against your clit.

"Soonyoung," You answer through a moan and he laughs.

"That's my name. I want to know your name." He says and you don't answer, you can't. It feels too good, your release is too close.  And only when he has wrung another mind-altering orgasm from your body does he stop. Pushing himself up and rolling on a condom, he plows into you, burying his face in your neck as he nails you to his mattress. And all you can do is cling on, with your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck as he fucks you better than you had ever even dreamed was possible.

Afterwards you and Soonyoung lie in bed facing each other, which feels strangely personal even after what you've just done. There's the sound of a door opening and closing indicating Jihoon must be home. You have no idea how you're going to explain this, Soonyoung didn't even close his door when he dragged you in here. So now you're both exposed wrapped in his horrible bed sheets waiting for Jihoon to pass by.

"Hey remember when I told you at Seok's party I'd make you cum so hard you'd forget your own name?" Your face floods with heat, embarrassment creeping along your spine. Soonyoung just grins.

"I win."

TO BE CONTINUED.....

[bluebugjay]

A lot of people aren't vibing with Charles and Crystal's romance and honestly i think it's because it's not necessarily supposed to be a full-fledged, endgame romance.

I think it's written to be a fling.

Charles is a flirt; one of the first things he thinks about when Edwin tells him ghosts can't feel is that he would miss kissing, he says himself it's nice to be seen by someone his own age, he calls Crystal fit, etc. Assumably between cases he has a very small social circle of literally just Edwin so it makes sense that this girl who he gets on with and finds attractive immediately becomes a bit of a crush for him.

Then Crystal picks up on his flirting almost immediately, again they get on, etc. She says if he wasn't dead and she wasn't dealing with the aftermath of her toxic relationship with David he would be a good addition to her body count, i.e. just a fling. She doesn't say they'd date or she could fall for him just that they'd probably hook up.

Their first kiss happens when they're both dealing with some heavy stuff, Charles is angry, continuing to push down his trauma with his father and his past, Crystal is annoyed about not being any closer to getting her memories back whilst trying to deal with the trauma her last relationship caused her. They find comfort in each other in that moment. Crystal says she wants something real and the care they have for each other is real, there's no manipulation, no secrets. It's honest and it's innocent.

The song that plays in that scene is called Young Blood (White Sea Remix) by The Naked and Famous and has lyrics such as 'we're only young and naive still' and 'can't help myself but count the flaws, claw my way out of these walls, one temporary escape' and 'we lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight, you keep my secrets hope to die' - It does align with the idea that they're what each other wants in the moment, a distraction, to be able to pretend everything is normal and ok (keep each others secrets)

Crystal in the next episode, the next morning after their kiss, literally calls Charles a 'cute distraction' and says they should be friends. This time both of their issues and trauma are the reason for them not continuing the relationship. Blatantly, Crystal isn't ready for another relationship so soon after David, she wakes up with a nightmare about him and Charles. They bring up Charles fighting the Night Nurse and Charles says that he thought they were on the same page about it and 'at least that's how it seemed last night' which again leans into the fact they were both looking for comfort. Charles and Crystal kissing had nothing explicitly to do with her supporting his actions fighting the Night Nurse and yet that's how he took it because that's what he was searching for comfort from and acceptance on. Which is most likely why he seems to take the rejection harder than Crystal, seemingly agreeing to be friends more out of respect for her choice than the want to call it quits himself.

Charles tells Edwin later on about the kiss (right after Edwin is complaining about having to cancel plans with Monty) and says though he didn't physically feel it, he did feel it 'up here' and points to his head. The mind is generally not the place you feel love, I feel that's a given. (reminds me of the starfish on the beach that Niko says are in love, Edwin points out starfish have no brain and Niko says love doesn't require logic, meaning: love is not stored in the mind.) Charles and Edwin's conversation veers off to being about there own relationship, with Charles saying he wouldn't want to be dead with anyone else - not even the girl you just kissed? No? Ok.

The way that episode goes (The case of the two dead dragons) Crystal and Charles end up arguing about the very reasons they decided to not continue their relationship. Crystal likens Hunter and Brad to David, and Charles defends them saying not everyone is her demon ex-boyfriend which seems like he's projecting and really defending himself. Then Crystal calls him out on his 'rage problem' and what happened with the Night Nurse. So though they comforted each other the night before, their real feelings for each others issues are surfacing and they're not so on the same page. Of course they get over this and apologise soon enough. Though in the end, it's Edwin Charles opens up to and actually talks to about how he's feeling rather than pushing it aside and looking for a distraction. And after that, Charles gives Crystal genuine comfort not just a distraction by listening to her talk about her nightmares/visions about David. (immediately followed by the scene of Edwin and Monty on the swings in which Edwin suggests they don't see each other anymore, then back tracks, they kiss followed by rejection which definitely has... parallels)

After that, Crystal and Charles are still an obvious source of comfort for one another, they talk to each other about their stresses, they stick close together a lot of the time but there's nothing inherently romantic to their actions aside from the fact we know they have kissed which gives their actions a depth that, for example Edwin and Niko's don't, despite them also being affectionate and spending time together alone.

Then in the last episode as Crystal is attempting to leave for London, her and Charles share another kiss. When she tries to say bye to Charles, he says it feels like a 'good-bye good-bye' rather than a 'see you back in London good-bye' and Crystal doesn't correct him, essentially confirming it was supposed to be a forever goodbye. She instead kisses him. It's a good-bye kiss. A (supposed to be) final kiss. A 'we had a good run' type of kiss. Crystal kisses him because she thinks she'll never see him again. It's similar to the first in which the kiss itself is the beginning and end, and it doesn't mean much past that. It's a kiss as a secret again, like their first kiss. A kiss to fill the space left by things they don't want to talk about. She doesn't want to admit she's planning on leaving for good so she kisses him instead, it's a comfort and it's a distraction. (and its consistent)

When Crystal decides to stay in the end, Charles says it'll be great, then specifies that 'solving cases together' will be great, not anything else that could of implied. Which could either be them just being awkward, or a flip in their dynamic that now Crystal is the one more involved in their relationship and Charles is the one setting boundaries.

Overall I think they have a really interesting dynamic. They are exactly what each other needs in moments and then the opposite in the next, they care about each other so much yet are possibly the people that unearth each others insecurities and traumas the most. They're both looking for a new, different kind of relationship and find it within the other but inherently once the novelty fades they fall more into being friends than anything more. I think like most of the relationships in this show, they're supposed to be complicated, they're supposed to be more of a journey than a destination. They learn and grow from their interactions together and I think that's something really beautiful.

[astrologuzzy]

★ MY ASTRO OBSERVASHUNS ★

Disclaimer before I start: I’m no professional astrologer so don’t come for me, mkayyy? MWAH 💋

♡ 𝐆𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐈 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒, more specifically those with Gemini placements in their personal planets loveeeee playing around with their voice a lot. Just utilizing their voice to be a silly goobert. Like making voice impressions or funny sound effects is very natural for them. Which is why I think so many Geminis are comedians, artists and actors. Whenever I see someone who makes goofy sounds or is very into voice acting I instantly know they must be a Gemini/have heavy Mercury placements and up until now i was 100% correct each time lmao. (As someone who has Gemini placements myself: I love to make funny voices or impressions, sometimes I do it without realizing lol)

♥︎ Which actually brings my to my second point on 𝐆𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐈 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒 but those that are musicians; I noticed they frequently love to play around with different genres of music and different styles of singing/rapping in general, even all in one song simultaneously. Good example would probably be Kanye West or Kendrick Lamar. Their music and style tends to be very versatile and they tend to incorporate even very random notes/effects/sounds to it as well.

♡ Oh my goodness, all the 𝐋𝐈𝐁𝐑𝐀 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐒 I’ve ever known have this damn thing where if you don’t ask them specifically for what you wanna know, they’ll never even tell you it. I had a friend with a full blown Libra stellium that I finally caught up with after months of no contact and this girl only told me about her having a girlfriend and getting into a car accident only 3 days later!? That was thanks to me for randomly mentioning romance and cars, otherwise she wouldn’t have even shared it. So if you wanna hear a Libra disclose something specific with you, just be direct with it.

♥︎ I haven’t met an 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍 that wasn’t impulsive and would jump from one relationship/project into another and then complain about how everything turns out a mess (but then get back up and repeat the cycle again smh).

♡ 𝟏𝟐 𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐒 and their hidden enemies is actually very fukkin real. I got to witness it closely for the first time and oh boi am I shook lol. My boyfriend has a 12H moon and I’ve witness multiple times strangers come up to us, start a conversation and then just become insanely rude to him outta absolutely nowhere as if they been having beef with him since kindergarten?! Randoms tend to get mad or hostile so easily at him even if he doesn’t say anything bad... it’s so weird.

♥︎ Every person with an 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 in their big 3 has this feistiness to them. Even when they’re super sweet and chill type of Aries I still notice that they have moments where they’re quite direct or don’t really care about what you think. They’re gonna say what they wanna say one way or another and it’s honestly so natural to them, I don’t think they even notice. Even the quiet Aries in my life have this demeanor to them that you just don’t fuck with because they’ll bite back at some point.

♡ In my experience, every 𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐄𝐒 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐒 that I’ve ever known always expressed their appreciation and affection in letters/poems/metaphors very frequently. Very romantic, very abstract, Shakespeare who? Every time they’d send a whole ass paragraph like 🥀”you are like a rose that fell in this chaotic ocean and turned it into a tranquil lake” 🍂 just to describe my eyes or something. I don’t think my Aquarius moon is cut for such stuff lmao, it makes me cringe a bit but I do appreciate it! Although every Pisces mars guy I ever knew had additional water placements in their big 3 (like Cancer sun or a Pisces moon) which probably only doubled that sentimentality they had.

♥︎ 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐑 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒 and their anger issues is something and that something is very real... That’s it, that’s the Tweet lol

♡ Idk what it is about 𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍 men but they always make me wanna take care of them and like baby them when they’re in their feels and retract and act like they aren’t on the verge of tears... Make me wanna go and cuddle them lol. Especially Cancer moons for wtv reason really soften my Aqua moon when I’m around without them even doing/saying anything.

♥︎ Also 𝐋𝐈𝐁𝐑𝐀 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐒 are insanely great at faking their true state of being. I’ve met so many Libras that on the outside look like they’re having a blast but when you actually get to know them you see that their house burned down, their granny died, they almost choked to death twice last week and their partner broke up with them for 15th time that day and now they’re homeless... And you’re like damn bro, I’d literally never guess. They really know how to mask everything, put up a great front for others and do it insanely convincingly. You literally would never guess what that Libra is actually going thru, it’s probably worse than you can image. Please check up on your Libra friends and Libras - it’s ok to ask for helpppp. You guys deserve it <3

♡ 𝐒𝐀𝐆𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐔𝐒 𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 are one of the funniest mothafukers everrrrr, they always make me laugh so much! Double points if they have Gemini or other Fire placements with it. Just hilarious individuals.

♥︎ 𝐒𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐏𝐈𝐎 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐒 are actually pretty chill people, you won’t see them angry often (but they make sure you know when they do). Usually our anger and passion is more so hidden and works backstage. Compared to 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐒 that are loud with it and don’t hold back.

That’s it for todayyyy ☀︎

[space-mango-company]

Stranger | Chapter 5

Chapter Links: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5]

TW: Descriptions of Violence, Mentions of Cannibalism

Tags: Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen x Atreides!Reader, Arranged Marriage, Eventual Smut, POV Second Person, No use of y/n, Original Characters, Canon What Canon

Word Count: 2.3k

A/N: Not proofread!! Holy moly. Here it is, folks. The scene that inspired this whole fic. I had fun writing this so I really hope you enjoy it. Once again, I appreciate everyone who likes, comments, and/or leaves kudos so much. I really started this fic for myself but good golly, that dopamine rush whenever I get a notif might be more addicting than spice. I'm glad to be part of the bald man brigade.

Also, I can't believe I'm only now questioning why I decided to write this in the second person? I guess maybe I thought this fic would be a lot shorter and not that deep, lol. At this point 'y/n' probably has enough personality to just be a straight-up OC. It's funnier because I don't even find second-person or y/n fics any more engaging either. I always detach myself by giving 'y/n' her own name and only seeing her as a character in the fic.

ANYWAY, sorry to ramble. Stay safe and have a good one, ya weirdos.

You step out into the dark cul-de-sac of the guest hall, illuminated only by the large suspensor lamp in the middle. Feyd-Rautha looks you up and down, seemingly entranced by how the dim light casts his shadow on your modest dress. Atreides green, he recognized.

"Trying to sneak into my rooms again?" you say arms crossed, leaning on your door. "I didn't appreciate the last time, by the way."

"It's my house," he says cooly, "and I did knock this time."

You stare at him indifferently.

"Quite the display from you yesterday morning, using The Voice on me." His voice low and raspy, "I should have you drawn and quartered."

You scoff in his face. "You almost choked me to death. Are you trying to start a war?"

He takes a step closer and his face is inches from yours, you can feel his breath on your cheek, "I didn't think I'd like you this much, little hawk."

"What do you want, Feyd-Rautha?" you had no patience for him right now.

"Ah," he steps back, a dark smile on his face, "I've been waiting to hear my name from your tongue." His hand reaches for your lips. "I've grown quite tired of 'na-Baron'."

You grab his wrist before he can touch you. "If you're only here to toy with me, I would rather be left alone to prepare for bed." You release his hand and turn to open your door.

Feyd-Rautha props an arm against the doorway to block you. "We're to be married in three days," he says, "and I just can't seem to bring myself to let go of my 'harpies', as you called them." He meets your gaze. "You said you'd kill them. Did you mean that?"

You look up at him with steely eyes. He towered over you but your heart felt no fear, "Yes."

His coy smile returns. "Good. Come to my training hall tomorrow," he says, walking away.

"What?" you call after him.

"Dress to fight," he says over his shoulder. "I want to see what you can do, Atreides."

You needed no help from Zora in putting on a loose shirt and long pants. The plain beige outfit certainly wasn't as elegant as the dresses you had been wearing so far. But it was comfortable and you could fight in it, which was all that mattered. Still, you look yourself in the mirror. The soft, airy fabrics draped over your figure well but perhaps you were not in the best shape as you once were. Your muscle mass is much less than your brother's and he wasn't particularly built himself. You admit you did wane off your training sessions with Gurney and Paul leading up to your departure from Caladan. Nevertheless, you were still a skilled warrior. Another secret you've been keeping from the Harkonnens.

You were 14 when you started learning the blade. Watching Paul, 2 years your senior, practice with the Atreides Warmaster lit a fire in you. You didn't hesitate to pester your father to let you train with them and of course, there was nothing he could deny his darling daughter. You were a fierce and determined student. Gurney Halleck was a man you genuinely believed to be one of the best fighters in the Imperium, along with Duncan Idaho. Gurney would train you and Paul on even days. On odd days, your mother would teach you the Weirding Way. These lessons, much like the rest of your mother's teachings, your father wanted to know nothing about. After becoming decently adept at Prana-Bindu and gaining almost complete physical control of your body, Lady Jessica insisted that you also be skilled in the Bene Gesserit style of combat.

You were far from mastery in either but the combination of both trainings made you a formidable fighter. Despite this, you could never seem to beat your brother in a sparring match. A fact that frustrated you to no end, though you appreciated that Paul never went easy on you. You'd always blame it on him having trained for longer than you have. But in truth, you knew there had just always been something special about him.

"Are you ready, my lady?" Zora's soft voice wakes you from your thoughts.

"Hm? Right. Yes, let's go." You quickly tie your hair out of the way and grab your father's dagger from atop your dresser.

There was no fanfare when you entered the hall. On one end, the na-Baron's concubines sat chained on the steps of the shallow recessed pit in their leathers, their glares piercing through you. Your eyes linger on them as Feyd-Rautha and his Warmaster greet you.

"I was starting to think my lady bride was bluffing," Feyd-Rautha says as you approach him. The older man beside him offers you a polite bow.

"Perhaps she wasn't so keen on your brutish games," you bite back. "Your lord uncle won't be joining us?"

"No," Feyd-Rautha crosses his arms, "but he'll be hearing about your victory. Or your demise."

"Right. Well, I assume you'll be releasing them from those chains," you nod towards his pets "Not sure why they're necessary."

"Oh, trust me, little hawk. They're necessary." Feyd-Rautha motions to a servant.

"Your blade and shield, my lady," they bow, presenting you with a knife and a small device you recognize as a Holtzman shield.

"I've brought my own," you unsheath your father's dagger. You contemplate taking the shield but remembering that the na-Baron forwent it during his gladiator fight, you decide to do so as well. "They've no weapons anyway, the shield seems pointless."

Feyd-Rautha shrugs, "If you insist."

You take a deep breath, "Let's get this over with."

You lightly stretch as you walk down the steps of the shallow pit to stand opposite the na-Baron's concubines. You had come into this on the pretense of righteousness. For Iassa, you told yourself. But you've known her a mere two days. A part of you wanted to show off. You were good and you knew it. You could probably kill anyone in this room, even Feyd-Rautha. You craved the respect of the people here: the Harkonnens, the people of Geidi Prime. You figured this was one way to get it.

Feyd-Rautha walks around the pit to one of his concubines and kneels to whisper something in her ear. You assume a fighting stance when he moves to release her from the chains. When you meet her eyes, they are filled with feral bloodlust.

Suddenly, you weren't so bold. The veil of courage you have maintained since you arrived, even when Feyd-Rautha had your neck in his grip, is torn apart when you face this woman. You could tell no part of her would hesitate to rip your throat out with her bare teeth. You were almost relieved they were unarmed, but you weren't sure if that would make them any less lethal.

Fear grew in your chest and you had less than a moment to recite the Litany in your head before the concubine lunged at you.

You crouch down in time and slash at her abdomen as she approaches you. You turn to face her on the other side of the pit and she wastes no time in attacking you again. She attempts to grab your armed hand but you take hold of her wrist first and move to pin it behind her back. Quickly, your blade drags across her throat and she falls to your feet.

The kill has not yet registered in your mind but your heart is racing. You can almost hear your blood coursing through your veins. You held your arms outstretched, your eyes focused ahead, ready for the next one.

Across the pit, Feyd-Rautha licks his lips, smiling as he releases his second concubine. This time, you walk toward her while she moves to attack you. You clock her head with the pommel of your dagger and knock her a few steps back. She reaches a hand to wipe the blood beginning to drip out of her nose. After examining it, she snarls and bares her sharp teeth at you. Your mind is blank now. She dodges your first slash then manages to land a blow to your jaw. You seethe from the pain. You spit out the mixture of blood and saliva filling your mouth. The anger at the hit drives you to rush at her. Seeing an opening, you duck down to her waist and stab her twice. As she falls to her knees, the look of determination doesn't leave her eyes until the very last moment.

When you turn around, Feyd-Rautha has already released the last concubine. The ruthless scream she lets out disorients you. She pounces and knocks you over. She straddles you and pins your arms to the ground, your blade sliding inches away. She screams again in your face at the death of her sisters. You wedge your right knee between you and her abdomen, the only thing keeping her teeth from reaching your throat. You grunt as you struggle to free your hands. In your periphery, you see Feyd-Rautha, wielding his own blade, take a step into the pit.

"GET BACK," you roar, and he is powerless to refuse.

You turn back to your opponent still on top of you and you butt her head with your own. She loosens her grip and you kick her off to hastily crawl to your weapon. When she reorients herself and attempts to grab you again, you hook a knee under her arm and flip the both of you over. With your weight on her chest and both your knees pinning her arms down, she thrashes underneath you, claws digging into your right ankle. You take your blade in both hands and her screaming is silenced when you sink your knife deep into her heart.

When you rise, the room is quiet. Your chest heaves. The stark white ceiling lights don't help the lightheadedness that begins to wash over you in the post-adrenaline rush. Feyd-Rautha says something from behind you but his speech is garbled as you reel from the thrill of what just transpired. You were electrified. You almost... wanted more.

Then, the realization of the revolting scene you are in settles upon you and you are knocked off your high. You look at the leather-clad bodies scattered around you, the grotesque way they lay on the floor, the red blood pooling around them made brighter by the sterile grayness of the room. You did this.

A hand on your shoulder snaps you out of it. In reflex, you turn and raise your blade at the offender.

Feyd-Rautha holds his hands up, "Whoa, easy, Atreides. Trying to kill me? Don't want to start a war, do you?"

You yield your weapon. Your eyes dodge his as you look to your feet and try to steady your breathing.

"Enjoy your first taste of blood?" Feyd-Rautha says, the look in his eyes indecipherable to you. He raises a hand and swipes his thumb on your cheek. It comes away covered in crimson.

You gasp and reach for your face with your own hand. You don't even know if it's your blood or theirs, or when it got on you. Your heart pounded, unable to decide whether you were repulsed or proud.

"Look at you," he says licking the red off his finger. You could not help but stare at him through the strands of your hair that had come undone in the fighting. "You're beautiful like this," his hand reaches for your face again.

"No," you say low and quiet when you swat his hand away, "you're sick." You didn't know if you meant him or yourself. You calmly turn to leave. No one stops you when you make your way up the shallow steps of the pit. As you pass Iassa—no, Zora—by the doorway, you tell her flatly, "Prepare a bath."

You had never taken a life before. Today, you took three. You were glad you didn't know their names. You decided you'd never find out.

After Zora pours a final pitcher of hot water into the bath, you tell her, "You may go. I'll dress myself later, thank you."

She bows and makes her way out of your rooms.

In your solitude, you bring your knees to your chest. You had been quick to wipe the blood off your cheek before you even reached your quarters. Now, you cup the water into your hands and rub it into your face, the slight sting of the heat comforting you.

He was a cruel man, your betrothed. This is what you've decided. Having you kill the concubines he claimed to want to keep so much. But wasn't it you who threatened to kill them? He started it, you argue with yourself, when he had Iassa killed. You felt like a child.

When you used to hear of Feyd-Rautha's exploits, you had to mask your disgust. And yet now, you had killed so easily in that pit as he had in the arena. What was this place doing to you?

When you left Caladan, Paul had never killed anyone either. You wonder if he ever does, would he feel the same exhilaration you did when you slit that first concubine's throat. No. Your brother was fierce but, like your father, he had a good heart. You beat him by three. You hoped it would stay that way.

You think about your future here, marrying Feyd-Rautha. Producing heir after heir under the Baron's watchful eye. You were a broodmare. Despite all your fancy training and education. Despite your little demonstration earlier. It was the bitter truth.

You missed home. You missed walking along the beach at night with your father. You missed your mother's gentle hands brushing your hair. You missed the banter and teasing with your brother. You missed Gurney, and Duncan, and the cold breeze on your balcony, and getting to roam free and going anywhere you pleased. When the tears come, you sink deep into the bath so they might fade away in the water.

Chapter Links: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5]

Taglist: @torchbearerkyle @austinswhitewolf @dreamlandcreations @emeraldsgirl @strawberryfieldsforevermore @bornslippys @vexis-world @aoi-targaryen @alexandrainlove @mamawiggers1980 @sstardussty @aboutthenabaron

[apdreadful]

Anyone saying that Tommy is just convenient, he’s just a stepping stone, or Buck is confused and projecting his feelings for Eddie onto Tommy. Denial is not a river in Africa.

Buck didn’t just roll out of bed one morning and decide “I am declaring myself to be bisexual! And starting today, I’m looking for a guy”

Buck has ALWAYS been bisexual. So the whole time we have known Evan Buckley, he has been attracted to men.

However, it’s very likely had never really sat with and processed what to do about that attraction prior to meeting Tommy. Never acted on it prior to Tommy. Never made it as obvious to anyone before Tommy.

In retrospect, the signs were definitely there, before Tommy.

The catalyst for the change? Is Tommy.

He made the conscious decision to go see Tommy when he had no damn reason to. He wasn’t thinking of leaving the 118, he just wanted a reason to see him again. I don’t think Buck actively processing “I want to date this man” he just wanted “something” and Tommy was part of that something. But he had no damn idea how to get his brain wrapped around what exactly he was planning to do with those feelings “Huh, this is more…what do I do now?” Hence the basketball game.

And I don’t know if it was before Tommy came over or if seeing Tommy standing there in his apartment made those pieces finally click into place for Buck.

(Personally I’m leaning toward that “Well not at the same time” response to teaching him Muay Thai. Because there was no mistaking THAT look that Tommy gave him)

Because if you have ever been into someone and are even the tiniest bit queer, you saw that dance for exactly what it was.

The subtle signs, the shifting in atmosphere, the carefully chosen words, way their bodies started mirroring each other as they moved closer.

Tommy having more experience with this dance, started getting the inkling this may be going SOMEWHERE...So he took that chance and dropped the “Well probably not at the same time”with THAT look. That look was a whole sentence.

Now Buck’s awakening bisexuality, understood that look. And those butterflies starting flying and he stepped right up and said “I have been trying to get your attention”

He decided THIS man. Right here. Is the one that I want enough- choose to just lay it all out for.

Now for any baby bi THAT is a big damn leap. Because you think you know..But you don’t have the experience to know if you’re reading the signs right.

Brass Tacks my lovelies is..

Buck wanted Tommy..he wasn’t entirely sure for what. But he knew it was Tommy specifically.

And if you think he’s projecting his feelings about Eddie onto Tommy. Go back and look at that first episode Eddie shows up at the 118 in.

Buck wanted to be in that firefighter calendar, and he saw Eddie as competition to getting that which he wanted. Eddie was his competition. Did he recognize that he was competition because he also looked hot af?

Yep.

So when Tommy catches Bucks interest, once again Buck finds himself in competition against Eddie for the thing he wants, which this time is Tommy’s attention. And because Eddie is his best friend, and he knows Eddie is awesome. In Bucks head, Eddie is worthy competition for Tommy’s attention. It doesn’t matter that Eddie isn’t interested in Tommy the same way Buck is.

If it were Eddie that Buck really wanted, why tf hadn’t he asked Eddie to teach him Muay Thai? They’ve been friends for years. Why had Buck not been interested in the basketball game prior to Tommy’s appearance??

Buck is bi. And it was the hot dish casserole that is Tommy Kinard that made all those little “huh” moments click into “well that’s makes sense” place.

So stop playing at being flat earthers.

[motherboardmania]

chronic sniffler.

soap and tissues thoughts under the cut

the thing abt soap n tissues is that theyve got like. Really opposite versions of the same problem. tissues' condition causes him to have problems with cleanliness, and soap's OCD (not canonically stated but. its pretty coded.) causes her to be obsessed with compulsively cleaning to the point of... putting hand sanitizer in pizza. Which is pretty bad.

shes clearly really afraid about potential contaminants which, yeah. OCD is based in fear and uncertainty. its not gonna be easy for her to manage it, even if she dumps all her cleaning supplies off a cliff. things Do need to be cleaned, and i feel like her avoiding cleaning supplies could easily result in a worse avoidance-based compulsion. (like, "oh theres sponges here. Sponges mean things need to be cleaned. things in here might be unclean, so i need to throw out the sponges." which isnt logical but OCD doesnt adhere to logic anyway.)

i think her tossing her cleaning supplies off the cliff was already a significant attempt to stop feeding into her contamination fear through compulsive cleaning! which is great. but i think it would be a great additional step for her to talk to tissues more often, especially because he was unfairly caught in the crossfire.

i think itd be cool for them to make amends. tissues could provide a healthy outlet for soap's urge to clean, and point out when she's being obsessive. n soap could help tissues out with cleanin up when hes havin trouble, and keep him company during flares bc sneezing, nausea, vertigo, + chronic pain is definitely something thats easier to cope with when youre not also lonely about it. At least for me. (coughs awkwardly.) point is i think them being friends would be good for both of them long term.

in FFF tissues noticably softens a little after bein referred to as a friend by fan, and like. emotional comfort definitely helps make the physical a little less bad. i like to think thats why he was able to fall asleep in the chair. also makes me think that maybe people dont consider him a friend nearly as much as hed like, and well that probably makes the chronic illness more frustrating.

idk. being disabled (whether that be mentally or physically) is rough. I want these two disabled girls to be nice to each other n help out where they can. i think they could make each others lives a little easier that way.

this is only like. 1/3 projection. im not going to lie n say im not projecting a little, but these two just happen to have similar problems i do. and i like them a lot for where i can relate, even if we def dont have the same personalities. its nice bein able to see myself in both of em. Also theyre underrated.

[hoodreader]

cat women — vedic astrology.

i think cat woman is one of the most inspiring vigilantes for the ‘dark feminine’. she’s mystical, intuitive, cunning, flirtatious, & seductive. so when my friend & i were talking about the krittika nakshatra. she made a connection between krittika & animal textiles then i had the sudden realization that krittika reoccurs in the charts of people who play or dress as her.

i think this is because krittika is the blade; it means “the cutter.” whether the native has aries krittika or taurus krittika, the qualities persist. there’s always an iconic cat woman scene where cat woman uses her razor-sharp nails to cut a hole through glass. this also shows not only physical blades, but blades of the tongue, ie being “silver tongued” and/or having a “sharp” mind. the krittika nakshatra is very cutthroat. this also reminds me of that iconic whip scene, and the phrase “sharp as a whip.” sharpness is commonly used as a term to also describe someone’s intelligence… but also them being good-looking.

i also find that krittika nakshatra in women is highly sexy & desired, but due to the dark nature of krittika, a krittika woman is not wanted without adversity. this nakshatra is also associated with “splitting / cutting” up relationships & being “the other woman.” in a way, men deal with an inner conflict when being involved with the krittika woman. i think it’s because martian or solar qualities over a woman causes insecurity in men who are not secure with themselves. the type of men who hate you because they hate themselves. so these men project. there’s no way a woman like that could simply be liked, she must’ve seduced him.

and i feel that’s because the krittika woman is not the “ideal” woman. she’s not demure, she’s not passive, she’s not insecure, and she doesn’t depend heavily on the men around her. instead, she’s dominant, assertive, flirtatious. she cuts her hair short. and she’s sometimes androgynous in presentation, but still so sexy. and it drives men and women crazy. the presence of other planets being in anuradha, ashlesha, jyeshtha, bharani, mrigashira, etc can also strengthen these “dark” qualities in a krittika woman.

! halle berry is probably the most iconic cat woman in modern pop culture. she’s a krittika rahu, with an ashlesha sun.

halle berry’s role was so iconic, i think she informs the way modern actresses give their takes on cat woman, which is why we see so many of them having krittika placements. for example:

— ariana grande recreated cat woman in her “the boy is mine” music video. she’s a krittika venus & jyeshtha north node. — normani dressed up as cat woman for one halloween. she’s a krittika mars, as well as a bharani mercury. — zoë kravitz is a krittika jupiter & anuradha sun + mercury. — saweetie dressed as cat woman for halloween [?] and she’s another krittika venus. — naomi campbell did a shoot as cat woman, and she’s a krittika sun. i don’t know if that naomi shoot was before after halle berry’s movie but i digress.

kinda unrelated side note. my point about “the other woman” rings so true for the reputation ariana got. halle berry also applies, as she’s been in three marriages thus at least two separations. saweetie for her allegations with cheating. and so on. krittika can be a little romantically corrupted, but i think that’s why it translates into something so irresistible. in a “i’m not supposed to be doing this” way. i myself am a krittika venus, and i never cheated on someone or have been “the other woman” bc why the fuck would i do that to myself lol. buttt i will say that people usually start liking me when they know they shouldn’t. as a rebound, while they’re involved with someone, rebellious fetish, them pursuing me but hating the type of person i am because they want me to conform. like an exercise of conquest.

anyways… this is what i noticed of krittika and cat woman. hope y’all enjoyed my ramble. :P

[ineffable-suffering]

The Jane Austen Ball and why it was never about Nina and Maggie

Otherwise known as (*takes a deep breath*): A completely inflated close-up look at various dialogues and events of Season 2 that prove that the Whickber Street Traders and Shopkeeper's Association Meeting Cotillion Ball was supposed to be Aziraphale's confession to Crowley

Look, the point's been made before but that's never kept me from making it myself again, still. In fact, even I made it before, at the end of one of my other metas. But I feel like it's absolutely worthy enough to get its own soppy, way-too-long post. And I do love it so very much to write ridiculously long essays on something that could easily be condensed into a short paragraph.

So, here we go! Snuggle up, get cozy, settle in and, most importantly:

(Word count: 3.177 | Reading time: ~13 minutes)

As I already said above, I laid out a similar case in my meta about why Aziraphale is somewhat of an unreliable narrator. I'll try and recycle it here briefly, so I can further make my point.

When Aziraphale arrives back in London from his Edinburgh journey, he seems oddly happy and giddy for the fact that he just had a rather odd and threatening encounter with Shax. I explain in my other meta that this is because he just spent the last hours of his drive reminiscing on the thrilling and romantic magic show adventure of 1941 and also the fact that he just found out that Crowley has been replaced by Shax and no longer works for Hell.

Ergo: We have a hopelessly lovesick Principality at our hands, who's practically swooning over his serpent who saved him, his books and his magic show all those years ago.

Ergo:

✨This✨

Realistically, Aziraphale should probably be a tad worried about the eery encounter with Shax, in which she definitely had the upper hand on him. But well, if you spend many-a hours driving across the serene countryside (Edinburgh is about an 8-hour drive from London), pondering on one of the craziest, sticky-sweet romantic adventures of your not-life life, well ... things tend to turn a little rosy around the edges. Head in the clouds and all that. Light shades of grey!

Alright, onwards: Once the angel, filled to the very brim with fond memories and butterflies, gets out of the Bentley, he's kindly met with a face full of verdant plants and a very in-character-grumpy Crowley.

Fhwack! Way to burst the rosy bubble.

Seriously, the absolute lightning speed with which Crowley storms out to vacate the bookshop the very second Aziraphale arrives makes me giggle every time.

Let's make a first small (who am I kidding) diversion into analysing the following conversation in unnecessary detail ...

... simply because I enjoy quoting dialogue as an accurate reference in my metas. I'll also highlight certain passages I want to comment on in individual colours so I can back up my thoughts with them below. Alright, their little chinwag goes as follows:

Crowley: "They you are! I was worried something might have happened to you." Aziraphale: "No, nothing happened to me. Very uneventful journey indeed. No strange things at all." Crowley: "Good. That's what we wanna hear." Aziraphale: "Um .. everything okay with- ah.." *nods to the bookshop* Crowley: "Oh, yeah, fine. He's singing to himself. I think he must have been asleep. I heard snoring coming from his bedroom–" Crowley, to the Bentley: "Did you miss me? I bet you did." Aziraphale: "... I'm sure it did." Crowley: "So, any more clues from the mystery of the missing archangel?" Aziraphale: "Not exactly. Or, if there are, I haven't yet cracked the case. But I'm certainly hot on the trail of something." Crowley: "I'm sure you are. Oh, by the way, the whole sudden rain and awning thing was a complete washout." Aziraphale: "Sorry?" Crowley: "You know, project making Nina fall in love with Maggie. I failed, it's your go." Aziraphale: "I see. Well then, Whickber Street Traders and Shopkeeper's Association Monthly Meeting, here we come!" Crowley: "You're really hosting the meeting?" Aziraphale: "Absolutely! And I can guarantee you, it will be a night to remember."

At first glance, this has little to do with the plot of this meta but actually, it folds into my point very nicely! However, it's not time for that yet, so we'll just state the facts as they are for now and then bring them back 'round later when we need them. That being said: For the love of Someone, will these two ever manage to simply tell each other the truth of what happened instead of thinking they can protect each other by lying about it all the time? Hrmpf. As a big fan of open communication myself, I'm close to developing a stomach ulcer with the amount of false truths being spewed here. (Then again – and yes, that is another, way larger meta I'm currently cooking up – it plays so very perfectly into the whole Jane-Austen-Pride-and-Prejudice tragic miscommunication theme that this entire Season has, so I understand the point of it.)

Very uneventful journey indeed, Aziraphale, except for the fact that you were ambushed by a demon who told you she was Crowley's successor, knows about the rumors of the two of you being an item as well as what went down in 1941 (that almost had both of you exposed) and also seems to have figured out where you and your demon boyfriend are hiding Gabriel, all in the span of about a minute. No strange things at all, nooo!

And Crowley's "Oh yeah, fine" is a total lie too. Again, we see him make an absolute run for it before Aziraphale can even enter the bookshop. After all, he just once again witnessed Jim have a Gabriel-flashback, speaking of the Second Coming, while Crowley was alone with him. As fumingly angry he is with the amnesiac archangel – he's also absolutely terrified of what might happen (to him and Aziraphale) should Jim regain his memories. So, no wonder he's quick to vacate the premises after witnessing Jim's rather eery memory flashback (and was, just like Aziraphale, threatened by Shax mere moments later, lol).

But no, nothing out of the ordinary happened to either of them. Tip-top. Absolutely tickety-fucking-boo.

Alright, let's get back on track with the actual topic of this meta. Certainly hot on the trail of something, hm? At first glance, it might seem like Aziraphale is talking about the fact that Gabriel was in company of someone whenever he went to the Resurrectionist Pub. (The clue!) However, I don't actually think he is talking about that. Why? Because, and this slipped my mind too at first, he never actually follows any of this information up, does he? Yes, sure, he went to Edinburgh, found the capital-c Clue and then returned to London. But what does he do with it? Nothing. He doesn't keep investigating this hot trail because that's not the important thing he realized during his journey. No, the more important clue Aziraphale found during his trip, is that Crowley no longer works for Hell and that he is also very much irrevocably in love with him and must confess this at the earliest given chance. (The latter part isn't necessarily a new discovery for Aziraphale, but it surely is fuelled by the fact that he just realized Crowley's out of a Hellish job and simply hasn't told him yet.)

This exchange just the perfect indicator for the fact that Aziraphale, at no point during his drive back, was thinking about the Maggie and Nina mission. He has no idea what Crowley is talking about once he mentions it and seems surprised, even, that he would. Even though they just talked about it on the phone when Aziraphale was still at the graveyard. Which is another important piece of evidence because it means that the last status update Aziraphale got of Mission Lovebirds, was that Crowley had sensed an opportunity to make them fall in love – and had then hung up on him. Why is this important? Because it means that until that very point of their conversation, Aziraphale did not know that Crowley's attempt had failed! There would have been just as much of a chance of Crowley's weather miracle actually working out and Maggie and Nina already having skipped into the sunset happily ever after.

So, riddle me this:

Why would Aziraphale spend the entire ride back from Edinburgh plotting "a night to remember" (because clearly, he already had the entire Ball planned out down to a T in his head since he goes into action right away after arriving) if he didn't even know yet that Crowley's attempt had failed?

To be very clear here: We're not talking about Aziraphale driving on the M1 to London, having a silly little idea for putting on some good music, miracle-ing Nina and Maggie to dance to it and watch them confess their love–

No.

He planned an entire actual Cotillion Ball with very particular location design that involves re-arranging the entire bookshop, specifically designed individual outfits for (almost) every single attendee, topped off with a live band, hors-d'œuvre, drinks and an actual choreographed group dance.

During one car ride.

Where's the party planner Aziraphale AU? I'm waiting!

Now, sure, we know that it's still quite important for Aziraphale to convince Heaven of the faux-reason they gave for their accidental ✨25-Lazarii miracle✨. But if we're all honest, this all seems to be a tad much just to make two random humans fall in love, even for that.

Glittery ball gowns and suits? Red and gold wall curtains? A modified language filter? Bloody vol-au-vents?

Talk about over the top ...

Once we start S2E5, Crowley is still surprised at the mere fact that Aziraphale is actually planning to organize the Monthly Meeting – and he doesn't even know yet that it's gonna be the most extravagant ball-boogaloo that the Whickber Street Community has ever seen! Aziraphale wanting to organize the meeting alone, is enough to render Crowley incredulous, because Aziraphale never mingles with the other shopkeepers. He usually actively avoids them and any sort of social encounters as much as he can because he doesn't care about the bloody Christmas lights, alright?

These things seem mundane and uninteresting to him, obviously, since all he really cares about is hoarding his book collection in peace like the little hedonist he is and drawing as little attention as possible to his none-business business.

Oh, right, speaking of books:

Let's take another unnecessarily detailed look at the whole Whickber Street invitation scene:

Aziraphale realizes very quickly that he's not the only one who's quite unenthusiastic about the blessed Chritsmas lights. And despite his very persuasive methods of temptation ...

... he has to take some more drastic measurements. And those are?

That's right: Giving away his books.

I'll repeat it again, slowly: Aziraphale is willingly (!) giving away or lending his books to pretty much complete strangers to, allegedly, make two other humans strangers fall in love.

Seriously, who is that angel and what has he done with our prim, fussy, hedonistic Aziraphale that protects his books with the vice grip of an eagle carrying his precious prey?

Believe in the importance of Mission Lovebirds as much as you will, but we're talking about Mr. A.Z. Fell here who, over the past millennia, has pretty much spent every day actively working out methods to stop people from purchasing as much as a single paperback from his holy shelves.

And yet: the 1965 September Dr. Who Annual? Given away. The first edition of Expert at the Card Table that was S. W. Erdnase's personal copy? Lent away to grubby human hands to fondle around with.

Let's do another coloured dialogue diversion (don't worry, it's not as extensive as the last one):

Crowley: "You just did what I think you did?" Aziraphale: "I'm not prepared to talk about it." Crowley: "You gave away a book." Aziraphale: "I had to! Maggie and Nina are depending on me. They just don't know it yet."

Crowley backs up my point: This is a huge deal. Aziraphale does not sell his books – let alone give them away for free. We're all shocked! Flabbergasted!

And the explanation Crowley and us get just ... doesn't satisfy. Something and someone sure is depending on this Ball and doesn't know it yet. But it's most definitely not Maggie and Nina, folks.

You know for whom Aziraphale would give away his books in the blink of an eye, though?

Mhm, that's right.

This pretty old serpent.

I want to take a minute to show you the reaction again that Aziraphale has upon entering the very same magic shop him and Crowley went to in 1941 to acquire the Bullet Catch:

You ... you need a minute there, angel? You're sure looking a little ... affected.

And I mean, well, no wonder. He reminisced about that very memory four hours last night. To him, this shop is where the most turbulent, ecstatic, adrenaline-fuelled and romantic night of his life began. And it shows.

I've made my point in my other meta series about how Aziraphale is an incredibly nostalgic character. He romanticizes so many things in his memories – especially the parts that feature Crowley. So, it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that he's once again willing to loosen the tight grip he has on his book collection to get the successor of Will Goldstone's Magic Shop, the shop that started it all for him, to come to his fancy Ball.

As we watch Aziraphale and his little lap dog demon pat around Soho, I'd like to take another second to point out that he goes to seven or more establishments before he even invites Nina.

... and he only does so because she starts talking to them on the street. Almost like he'd forgotten about it. Why not ask her at the very beginning? To establish whether or not he'd have to book-blackmail her too?

"Perfectly ordinary invitation with no hidden agenda of any kind", except that he's using you and Maggie as a pretence to resolve his own clusterfuck of a relationship-miscommunication Jane-Austen-style so that he can then hopefully confess his undying love to his demon not-boyfriend boyfriend.

Marvellous!

You'll forgive me another short diversion but my God, the whole exchange at the Marguerite's restaurant with Crowley literally cat-call-whistling Aziraphale over to him (and Aziraphale checking if he meant someone else first, I–)? I am weak. So, so weak and

However, this is also when we get a snippet of Crowley finally revealing the truth in place of his "Oh, he's fine"-lie earlier and telling Aziraphale that he's actually pretty scared Jim might turn back into Gabriel and smite him altogether. And Aziraphale's response is, in a cosmic sense, (remember the pink paragraph now) so hilarious:

"Have you thought of just talking to him?"

Yeah, have you? Have any of the two of you? Just thought about talking? To each other? About anything?

'pparently not. But hey, it's all good because remember what the ultimate remedy for star-crossed lovers simply misunderstanding each other is?

Bish, bash, bosh, problem solved!

Back at the ballroom bookshop, Aziraphale sends Crowley to invite Maggie in order to, in my opinion, not spoil the Ball-y surprise for him. (Inviting Maggie only now?! Wouldn't she be one of the only two guests who really should attend? Why the short notice? If she's really that important for the Ball you're planning, hm?)

On top of this, we see Nina almost not attending the Ball meeting after her partner broke up with her and Crowley being the one who coincidentally runs into her and ushers her into the bookshop before Shax and her "legion" of demons start creeping up on them. Again, if this hadn't happened by pure coincidence, Nina would have left to go home and this whole Ball would have taken place without her, rendering the apparent sole purpose of making her fall in love with Maggie useless.

Why doesn't Aziraphale care more for both of them to attend and be there? Why is he instead busy fussing over everything looking perfect and wonderful and doesn't even seem to notice that both Nina and Maggie are really late to the meeting?

Well. Well.

The answer's in the title, babes.

Alas, Crowley safely gets Maggie and Nina to join them, Mr. Brown is the only one who doesn't get a miracled outfit (fussy, petty angel, you just don't like him, do you?), Jimbriel stuns with glamour and flirt (and whatever sexually suggestive thing he does with his cheeks) and the Whickber Street Ball is a-go!

Sorry, I just had to chuck this in again because Crowley's face here absolutely kills me every time. He looks so confused, I am hollering.

And the heart eyes Aziraphale is making at Nina and Maggie now that they're actually here?

Oh, bless it, angel.

He's all like "Oh look, it's working! Jane was right! It's all going to be resolved, all the misunderstanding and quarrels! Crowley, where's Crowley–"

Ah yes, there he is.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an angel who is not listening to a single word being said right now. No, in his head, Aziraphale is already down on one knee, pouring his heart out to Crowley after they just danced the night away.

Oh, yes, right. The dancing.

Parallel much?

But well, as marvellous and beautifully romantic as her stories tend to be, it turns out that Jane Austen isn't always right after all. Because before we know it, the perfect night shatters into many-a tiny pieces (literally).

And once again, fhwack:

... the rosy bubble bursts.

Let's take one more deep breath so I can make my final point:

In S2E2, Aziraphale explains to us very exactly what Jane's Balls (hrhr) used to be about: Solving miscommunication and confessing love to one another.

During his car journey back from Edinburgh, Aziraphale:

doesn't know Crowley's Mission Lovebirds had failed

remembers 1941 and just how badly he's in love with Crowley

and also realizes that they seem to have been wildly miscommunicating for quite some time now. (Crowley didn't even tell him he basically got let go!)

So, what does maddeningly strong love plus a want to resolve all the miscommunication equal? That's right: A night to remember! A Ball to change it all! A dance, a vol-au-vent, a confession. And, ideally, a happy ever after. Because:

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man angel in possession of a good fortune Jane Austen collection, must be in want of a wife demon husband.”

The Ball was never for Nina and Maggie. As a byproduct, maybe, yes. But the whole rest of the glimmer and glamour, the careful, romantic planning and set up of it all, the book-bating the other shopkeepers– that was for Crowley and Crowley only.

And oh, if only it were as easy as in the books.

*whispers* I'm sorry, I had to.

***

Your honour, the tinfoil-hat crackpot defence rests. Feel free to share thoughts (and prayers) if you want to!

Au revoir! 💗

[ihopeiexplode]

📱 “Two Fools Inlove” [←Previous | Next→]

—

"you know you didn't have to bring anything right?"

"yeah I know, just felt like bringing something"

"what's in it?"

"food what else dumbass?"

"coming from you probably someones head"

"wow very funny."

As he gave you the bag you were greeted with some desserts, homemade ones to be exact

"I thought you were bad at cooking?"

"Ive gotten better"

"sure you have..."

—

—

"SUKUNA LOOK LOOK"

"What am I looking at?"

"isn't the statute pretty??"

"I guess? All I see is some naked woman"

"you clearly don't understand art..."

"how do I not understand art when I literally paint, do poetry and calligraphy"

"you expect me to believe that?"

"yes"

"wait your serious?"

"did you think im not?"

"I find that hard to believe..."

"what hobbies did you think I had??"

"dunno tormenting people maybe? You seem like the type"

—

—

"I don't know how to bowl"

"how? It's literally so easy just throw the ball and there"

With that he'd toss bowling the ball to you as if it was nothing??

The moment he tossed it you immediately moved to the side

"WHAT THE FUCK??"

"your being dramatic it isn't that heavy"

"YES IT IS?? I COULD'VE BROKEN A BONE"

"I'd break it myself if you keep acting like a drama queen"

You'd roll your eyes before picking up the ball from the ground and throwing it into the bowling lane, as you did,, however you didn't even manage to hit a single bowling pin..and when Sukuna saw it he immediately laughed at your failed attempt

He'd pick up another ball and hand it to you as he stood behind you

"you're doing it wrong, here"

With that he'd manhandle your body into a proper stance, once he was finished he backed up and told you to throw

And when you did you managed to hit all of the Bowling pins as you did so you immediately jumped and giggled

Sukuna was about to find it adorable but you just HAD to act cocky. When you did he immediately flicked your head

"you wouldn't have done it without me, don't act to confident"

"can't a girl dream?"

"yeah but you can't"

"wow okay.."

—

—

"Sukuna what are you doing here?"

"Yuji asked me to come along to watch him skygazing"

"I'm surprised you agreed"

"didn't had a Choice"

"how come?"

"our mom told me I can't leave him alone, which is ridiculous he's perfectly fine by himself"

"speaking of wheres Yuji?"

"he ran into Megumi so he's having some quality time with his 'bestfriend', anyway why are you here?"

"just felt like it"

"what's so good about skygazing your just looking at stars what's so good about it"

"do you always have to be bitter?"

"always"

—

Both you and Sukuna would be sitting on the blanket you laid out on the floor as you two sat close to one another while looking at the stars, till you spoke

"you know Sukuna, I've been thinking"

"didn't know you had a brain"

"nevermind."

"I'm kidding, continue"

"I guess you aren't really that bad, you fare un to hang out with, surprisingly...I thought I wouldn't have that much fun spending this much time with you but guess I was wrong"

"so what were friends now?"

"dunno, if you want I guess"

He wants to say something so badly. But he knows once he does his feelings would spill out. And he doesn't wanna do that right when you both are finally on good terms.

—

—

Sukuna and uraume would be talking to one another as they sat down on a nearby chair

"how's things with y/n?"

"I guess it's okay, I went skygazing with her yesterday and she sorta confessed how I'm not that bad,"

"looks like you have a chance"

"chance for?"

"a chance to get with her? What else? It's obvious you like her"

"don't be ridiculous. Why would I like her?

"why would I like someone like y/n, the only reason I'm doing this is for the project nothing else, it's not like I care, let alone have feelings towards her"

"if anything when she told me her little confession I was on the verge of laughing, she really is pathetic isn't she? As if I'd be her friend"

"After this is over I'll just stop talking to her, simple,"

He's wondering why he's saying all of this? He knows he likes you but he won't admit that. He won't admit he's been chasing after you for years. He won't admit how he liked you despite how you felt about him. Sukuna isn't some pathetic loser he won't beg. He won't act desperate

After Sukuna finished talking he'd noticed how quiet they became, before he could ask what was wrong he heard a sound behind him, and when he turned around he saw you...

You stood behind him as you just stared at him wide eyed with your fist clenched, you were a fool to think a person like Sukuna would change, why would he ever change? It's still the same Sukuna deep down no matter what he does.

"how much did you hear?"

"all of it."

—

[⛩️] @: Likes & Reblogs R appreciated! ^^

A/N: be honest does this sound like Sukuna atp...he's so out of character I'm about to jump off a cliff

Taglist: @catobsessedlady @hellomeow12 @0-candlecove-0 @shivzypuff @swirlingcurses @1-800-choke-that-ho @attackonnat @chilichopsticks @getoxmahito @memenojutsu @uhnanix @ichorstainedskin @needtoloveoutloud @love-me-satoru @s-j320 @allthestarsarecloserrrrrrr @goj0sunglasses @svtvrnal @haitanibros0007 @punkhazardlaw @mslydiaa @jayathelostdragon @caileysdead @rixyaaaa @minzxec @rzcnlb

[the-delta-quadrant]

so, like, naturally, many aces are confused by what sexual attraction even is, and thus i've seen people try to define it using other words, the most common explanation i've seen is

"sexual desire targeted at a specific person"

and when i first saw this, i had already been confident in my asexuality and my lack of sexual attraction, but i still found it helpful to put things in perspective. but at the same time, the more i thought about it, the less i found myself agreeing with this definition.

because here's the thing: as someone who's sometimes sex-favourable (honestly i don't find the stance terms particularly useful to me but whatever) and also in a relationship, i sometimes get a libido or often even less, just like "hm yeah this feels good so why not" feelings. my partner, who i'm close to and deeply trust with my body and who also gets enjoyment out of it, is the logical person to share this with. if i ever feel like having sex, he's the person i wanna do it with. he is the target of my sexual desire.

and under the above definition, that would fall under "sexual attraction" and this is where i strongly disagree with that definition, at least for myself. according to that definition i'd probably be demisexual, which actually is a label i briefly used during my self-discovery process, but overall doesn't feel right, especially when i compare it to how i experience my demiromanticism.

because here's the other thing: i still never look at my partner and think "i wanna bang that". i still never look at him sexually unless i decide that it is now time for The Sex. my sexual desire is never triggered by my partner unless he asks me if i'm up for it and i say "sure why not" because i know it feels nice. never ever just looked at him and got in the mood, let alone physically aroused. it's basically always a choice.

because it more so feels like i sometimes have sexual desire and i choose my partner as the target. i project my sexual desire onto him because he's available (which sounds horrible but not how it's intended at all). and from what i understand, this is not how genuine sexual attraction works.

firstly from what i've heard, sexual attraction isn't a choice but involuntary.

secondly, it always sounds like people see someone and have their sexual desire triggered by that, and the person who triggered that desire then also becomes the target of it, almost like sexual attraction is a cycle.

and neither of those describe my experience. sexuality, for me, is almost always a choice. it hardly ever just comes to me. it's not part of me. it's just something i do sometimes, something i choose to partake in, something i choose to feel. mostly i don't care. it does feel nice but i could go without it. and i also never had my sexual desire triggered by any specific person either, just very rarely by hearing or reading about something and mostly by my own choice, and i just chose the target.

i think the way we tend to talk about the nuances of asexuality doesn't entirely account for aces in relationships where the partner is "the obvious choice" for sex.

if we do want an easier explanation for sexual attraction, it would need to be more specific than the above, as, in my opinion, it's missing two key components, that being involuntary sexual desire, as well as it not only targeted at, but also triggered by a specific person.