#which probably says something about me but whatever
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No, this is missing something even more common and critical.
It isn't that conservative Christian evangelical types can or are ignoring the suffering of the poor. They aren't, most of the time, in a camp where they believe they are bold faced letting the poor suffer and die.
These people believe they're helping. They believe that their choices are helping those that are suffering.
When it comes to deregulation, exploitation under capitalism, big vs small government, etc. they don't believe they are harming anyone. They don't believe that letting the wealthy do whatever the hell they want is dangerous. They don't believe that their ideology is harmful to anyone.
And the big reason why is because they consider themselves as part of the solution to the problem they are creating. Particularly people that belong to larger churches see themselves as part of an uplifting social system which replaces the social welfare systems put in place by governmental assistance. They don't care if they take away social security, because the church they give money to will take care of the people that would have benefitted from social security. Same with food stamps. Same with the ACA. Same with subsidized income for low or non-earners, or people with disabilities. Same with assistance finding employment opportunities and other work support. They believe their churches and other charitable contributions will hold the ceiling up over the poor once they knock down the support pillars provided by the government.
And maybe they could.
But all of the religious institutions are inherently flawed in that they will only ever offer to help if you are also part of their profit system. A church or religious 'non-profit' typically requires that you pay/donate or serve them in some way and that you follow their religious dictates before you can qualify for their assistance. They require indoctrination before they offer assistance. But they will also turn away many because they cannot be indoctrinated, such as any open lgbtq+ folk or people of color (especially people in multiracial relationships), or people from a certain country/ethnic group, or people who grew up in other religions or that still hold onto core beliefs from other religions. And they aren't denying these people assistance so much as saying "well, our church says you're damned and slated for hellfire because you're gay/black/muslim, and since you can't really repent of that you can't join our church, so you can't get any of our social services." But that's fine, because they don't feel bad about not helping "sinners" that need help.
But if they say they can help you, well they can try and get you a job and a temporary or semi-permanent living space with basic amenities, they can subsidize your income a little and probably get you meals on a regular basis, they can find you clothes (hand-me-downs, if not outright paying for a cheap set of new clothes), and so on. And in exchange all you have to do is keep going to their church or rescue or shelter or whatever and keep providing a portion of your new tiny income so that their operations can get bigger and pull in more people.
The average person doesn't really see how expansionist these big organizations are because they see it just like they're saving people by converting them to their religion. Not just in the short term with social support, but long term as well by saving their souls. They don't see the problems. They don't see the stress and isolation they are often driving people into. They don't see that the goal of their organization is generally to drive a profit in a roundabout way and enrich the organization by acquiring a larger membership. They dot think they're being exploited, because they thinking they're following and obeying God and God wouldn't exploit them.
And that is the issue with conservatives reading the Bible and not seeing themselves as acting in opposition to the words in it. Because, by all the metrics they care about, they really aren't.
The issue with “wow do conservatives even read the Bible and how Jesus said to love the poor” is that it any conservative Christian can just as easily ignore/explain away those passages just as easily as a progressive Christian can ignore/explain away all the passages against homosexuality, saying women must be subservient to men etc
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LITTLE SECRET | spiderman!jungwon
pairing: spiderman!jungwon x fem!reader
synopsis: where the charming college heartthrob yang jungwon has a couple more secrets than you might’ve thought.
warnings: use of alcohol, cursing, suggestive
words: 6.5k
a/n: happy new year!! this took way longer than i expected, i hope you’re as obsessed with the idea of spidey jungwon as much as me hehe.
taglist: @harukayoiiiiiiizzz @ikeulove @ribbioniki @hollxe1 @shiroolikesfish @wonnie99 @lunaritex @aloloveswonie @meowwons @enlysia @wonys-won @cryjungwon @yizhoutv @engenediary @firstclassjaylee @heeseungmyman @jovibaes @ilovejungwonandhaechan @candyhere @yamagucccii @jungwonbropls @bamguetismee @wnyloves @cralessia
“Okay, fuck, marry or kill between Thor, Iron man and… Captain America, who do you choose?” You laugh hearing your friend’s nonsense. Not even a couple of drinks in and everyone is already tipsy enough to make stupid questions like that. Still, Yunah seems so proud of starting this game that you cant really blame her.
“Oh damn, that’s hard.” Yunjin says, taking a couple of minutes to think about the answer. You like night like this, Heeseung’s small apartment is perfect for your group’s gatherings, there’s not many of you anyway, and you enjoy the company of your friends and the slight bitter taste of alcohol while you play.
“I guess i’d kill Iron man, fuck thor and marry cap?” Yunjin’s answer makes both Jay and Jake stand up. “oh hell no, team iron man forever.” You laugh again, and rest your back against the window, drink in your hands. There’s something so comforting about these little things that you cant help but be happy even hearing them get into stupid arguments like that. “Whatever! Whatever, Y/n, what do you think?”
You raise your eyebrows, not expecting to be the next one. You raise your eyes to the ceiling, trying your best to think about the options and the words to say to not let anyone jump at you. “Well, i guess i’d marry Thor? Fuck Iron man and kill Captain America.” “Wow. You’re a disappointment, just as i thought.” You roll your eyes jokingly before taking another sip out of your drink, a smirk on your lips while once again everyone starts to argue about team cap or team iron man.
You dont join in on that, Jake is loud enough to compensate for it, and to be completely honest, the alcohol does makes you too dizzy to keep up. You look around, mostly paying attention to the beanbag where Yunah is sitting on, since you want to steal that so damn bad. Yunjin, Jay and Jake are all standing up, hands moving and their voices getting higher each time someone says something even more stupid. Heeseung should be in the kitchen with Jungwon, probably making more drinks, even if we already had way too many.
Speaking of which, you notice Jungwon coming in the living room, a little smile on his lips as he hears the conversation, a tray full of snacks and drinks in his hand. He puts it down on the coffee table and your eyes meet for a single second, you smile at him, as if thanking him for the snacks. “What about spiderman?” He asks the group, and everyone is silent at that, all the attention towards the blonde boy.
You barely register what he says, too focused on looking at him and admiring him to really pay attention. How long have you had a crush on him? Technically, its only been a couple of years, but because of the blip you do really feel like he’s had you in a chokehold for centuries. And ever since he dyed his hair blonde you cant really stop looking at him, he looks ethereal, he looks like a doll, and from this side you can clearly see the perfect outline of his nose and-
“Y/n? Earth calls y/n are you here?” You blink a couple of times, your ears probably becoming red at the realization that everyone in the room saw you staring at Jungwon so much you couldn’t even hear what they said. “Yes? What? I’m sorry I- Yeah, you were saying?” This is embarrassing, but its not like its the first time this happens either. “We were talking about spiderman, and you’re the only one who saw him, so what do you think of him?”
You furrow your brows, trying to recall the last time you saw the hero they’re talking about. Its not like you talked to him, but if it wasnt for spiderman, a whole house would’ve collapsed on you and you surely wouldn’t be here to tell this story again. Its been a couple of months since that accident, and you can only remember the feeling of his broad shoulders covering you and that familiar scent that you still haven’t been able to connect to something. “He’s… cool i guess? I’d still choose Thor over him though.”
Jungwon laughs at your words and looks at your way before sitting on the couch, and thats enough to make your heart flutter again. You try to not look too long, not wanting to repeat that embarrassing moment just a second ago, but your chest really is about to explode. “I guess its hard to beat a god, uh?” You shrug your shoulders, to be completely fair, you’re not a fan of heroes as much as your friends are so all of this talk to you is just boring talk.
Later into the night you’re sitting on Heeseung’s bed, your back on the headboard. The apartment isnt too big, he does indeed have his bed in the living room, but to you that’s what makes it cozy. Jay is sleeping on the beanbag, Jake and Heeseung are playing some kind of game you dont know meanwhile Yunah and Yunjin left not too long ago, the only reason you’re still here is because Jay is supposed to be your ride home, but you dont know how possible that’s going to be now.
Jungwon notices you and sits next to you with his usual smile, a little too close. Your shoulders brush, making you stiffen for a second. You have to remind yourself that Jungwon and you have been friends long before you developed this absurd crush on him, he’s easy to talk to, there’s no reason to get so nervous around him, and so you relax, just a little. “So… you dont like spiderman?” You giggle at that, lately Jungwon has been obsessed with that guy, he keeps bringing him up, as if he knows him personally.
“That’s not what I said.” You turn your head just to look at him, regretting it almost immediately. He’s really close and you didn’t even realize how you’re basically whispering, as if the other three can even hear you. “Yeah but you still choose Thor! Isnt he like… a thousand years old?” You look at him with your eyebrows raised, you can smell the littlest tint of alcohol in him, he doesn't look drunk, but he’s definitely tipsy enough to continue this conversation.
“Jungwon, if I didn’t know you, I would think you either have a crush on spiderman or you’re trying to set me up with him.” He laughs at your words, and you can't help but smile even more, your heart fluttering looking at his face, the way dimples show up on his cheeks and his chuckles are so crystal clear in your head. “Eh, maybe you just don't know me enough.” You grimace at that, your nose scrunching up, making him smile again.
To be completely honest, it does feel like that sometimes. You and Jungwon have been friends for a while, but lately… He’s been acting weird, as if something happened to him that transformed him into a completely different person, or maybe he just has more secrets than you think. You look at Jay, still soundly sleeping on the beanbag. Its so late into the night, and you do have a couple of projects to work on tomorrow, so you better walk back home if you want to be productive.
You get up and start picking your things up; Jungwon furrows his brows at that, before putting two and two together and realizing that you’re going home. “Hey. Isnt Jay your ride home?” You shrug, you really dont have time to wait for him to wake and sober up. “I dont live too far, i’ll just walk back home.” “I’ll go with you.” You raise your head at that, your heart beating so hard it might explode any minute. Did Yang Jungwon just offer to walk you home?
“There’s really no need to-“ But before you can even finish your sentence, Jungwon is putting his coat on and your cheeks become red, this is really happening. “Its three in the morning; i’m not letting you go alone.” You have to bite your inner cheeks to not smile too hard. You just nod at him and then finally get ready to go, you say bye to Heeseung and Jake before walking out.
You totally get why Jungwon is so well liked; he’s kind, funny, caring, and so handsome. It’d be weird not to. He walks on your right, as if to keep you protected from the few cars strolling around at this hour, and he’s so close to you that your shoulders and hands keep brushing against each other’s. It's cold outside, being January, and what you’re wearing isn't doing much to help you, but he’s already doing a lot, so you can't find it in yourself to ask him for his jacket.
Your house isnt too far, you had simply asked Jay because you know better than walk back home alone and drunk at night, and you’re glad Jungwon thinks the same as you. “I’m glad you’re back.” You say, getting surprised at your own words. Jungwon had been away for that Stark project for geniuses or whatever that was, and you could totally feel his absence. “I wasnt gone for long, though.”
You giggle quietly, definitely embarrassed now. “Guess i just like having you around then.” He looks at you as he smiles. Yunah and Yunjin have been telling you for weeks, they think that Jungwon might reciprocate your crush, but you’re not too sure about it. Him staying for so long during hangouts is a rare occasion, usually he finds some excuse to leave early or he just doesnt show up at all.
You reach your house and stop right in front of your door, Jungwon looks at you while you search for your keys inside your bag. You giggle when you find them, embarrassed by how long that took and, before opening the entrance, you look at him again, a gulp in your throat. You hesitate, your fingers tightening around the key in your hand. Should you just ask him to come in? Would that be too bold or… you know what, fuck it.
“Do you… want to come in? Its late and you live pretty far..” You bite your lips, hoping that doesnt sound too straightforward. Does it sound like you’re begging him to stay? Jungwon eyes seem to light up for a second, he’s about to speak when he suddenly stops, as if distracted by something. He looks at you again, this time he seems guilty. “I- I’d love that Y/n but i really have to go now..”
Your mouth opens to form a little ‘o,’ but you try to hide the disappointment with a smile on your face, you nervously put a strand of hair behind your ear, and the more you look at him the more he looks like he’s in a rush. Oh, he must really hate your idea. “Yeah! No, of course, sure! You must have a lot of things to do at 3 AM." You want to slap yourself at your own words. He gets closer to you and for a second you think he’s about to kiss you or hug you, but instead he just opens the door for you. “Go inside, its getting cold.”
As if the disappointment and embarrassment from last night wasnt enough, its like luck wasnt on your side either. You just wanted to hide and never look at Jungwon in the face ever again after yesterday, but of course the universe had another plan. You look down as the professor tells you that you have to find a tutor for maths and physics if you want to pass his exam. “Honestly, Y/n. This exam is really important for your career, i can help you find a good tutor like…” The professor looks behind you and points his finger towards a student, and you dont really have the courage to look back and see who it is.
“Oh! perfect timing. Come here, Jungwon!” Your eyes widen when you hear that name and you turn to look at the guy. Jungwon walks towards you and the professor with a gentle smile on his face, his hair is a bit of a mess and you notice he’s not wearing his backpack. You furrow your brows, he looks like he just finished a marathon. “Jungwon is the best of the class, i’m sure he can help you, right?”
Jungwon looks confused now, the professor gets next to him and pats his back, you honestly just want to hide, he doesnt look too happy with the idea of being your tutor and you just hope that the reason is not because of you trying to flirt with him last night. Before he can say no, you jump into the discussion. “I- I’m sure Jungwon is busy with that Stark stuff, i can find someone else its really not a big deal.”
“No! No i can do it! I can be your tutor, yeah..” This is awkward, definitely more than you could’ve imagined. You and Jungwon just look at each other and the tension in the room is so dense that you could probably cut it with a knife. The professor laughs and pats both your and Jungwon’s back lightly. “Sure, you figure it out! Just make sure you’re ready for the exam, Y/n.” And that said he takes his stuff and says bye, leaving the both of you alone in the class.
“You dont have to do it..” You say, after a couple of seconds of silence. You’re putting your things back in your bag, trying really hard to not just look too much at him, fearing of the reaction your heart might get from that. “No, no, i really want to. And honestly, there’s not really anyone better than me so..” He chuckles at his own words, but you just crack a little smile, closing your bag before looking back at him. “Let’s do at five today? in the library.”
You’re pleasantly surprised by his willingness to actually help you. You nod at his words, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear, your bag on your shoulder. “Sure. Thank you, Jungwon.” He takes a couple more seconds to just look at you, and you start to feel almost self conscious at that. Maybe you got something in your hair? Something stuck on your teeth? Or even worse maybe you just smell bad and the perfume you’re wearing didn’t cover it up, or-
Before you can keep on overthinking about your appearance, Jungwon just ruffles your hair, a smile on his face as he does that and right now you can only hope and pray that your cheeks are staying a normal color, because you definitely feel hot as hell right now. “See you later, Pretty.” Pretty. He called you pretty. Wait, did he really just do that? You don’t even have the time to realize what just happened that he’s gone. Leaving you alone and on fire in this cold class.
You spend the rest of the day just waiting, and waiting, and waiting for five to come, you even got back home just to change into some cuter clothes. You dont want to make it look like you’re doing too much, its Jungwon after all, it would be weird. So a pair of wide leg jeans and a black top is cute enough. You arrive at the library five minutes early, just to make sure you can get a nice spot and take your things out before he arrives. But he doesn’t.
You know Jungwon, he does have a problem with timing, so you wait. The first fifteen minutes you dont think much of it, he’s always late after all. Then half an hour passes and you actually start to get angry, its already dark outside and you dont intend to wait for him all evening. But you do that anyway.
The initial anger transforms into worry when you overhear a couple of girls talking about how Spiderman was just seen fighting a bunch of criminals off, maybe he got involved in the fight? But thats really not something Jungwon would do. After an hour and a half of waiting you actually feel sad. He either forgot or didn’t care at this point. He didnt reply to your worried texts, nor did he call to tell you he was busy with something else.
You couldnt even concentrate on the physics book, too worried and sad to really be thinking about whatever is written there. Two hours pass, and the library is about to close so you just pack your things back and decide to walk back home, headphones in, and really, the last thing you want right now is sabrina carpenter in your ears singing about getting dicked down, but thats all your spotify wants you to listen apparently.
As if your day couldnt get worse, it starts raining, and the only thing covering you is the hood of the jacket you’re wearing, of course you left your umbrella home, you were so busy thinking about getting cute for Jungwon that you didnt even think about the important stuff. You sniffle with your nose at the thought of it, not really wanting to cry about something so stupid, but at the same time your throat is starting to hurt, and its already raining, so you might as well.
You’re close to your house when suddenly you cant feel the rain anymore, and for a second you actually think it stopped raining, but when you look up you only find an umbrella over your head. Your eyes widen in surprise, and when you turn to see who is holding it, you dont know if you want to keep crying or run as fast as you can.
Jungwon is now behind you, holding the umbrella for you while getting drenched under the rain himself. You dont know what to say, or how to react. All you know is that you feel sad and disappointed and so, so angry at him for wasting your time and making you believe that he actually cared for you enough to help for the exam.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry i swear i didn’t forget i just- i got a call from Stark for that project and I-“ Your brows are furrowed in annoyance, your head shaking and saying no as he keeps on talking and saying excuses. You’re not one to get mad easily, you’re usually pretty chill, and rarely things get under your skin, but right now you really want to just smash his head somewhere. “You could’ve called. Or replied to my dms.”
He’s panting, he must’ve run a lot, and he keeps getting wetter and wetter. Part of you wants to invite him in and give him something to dry his hair out, but you mostly want to take a bit of revenge in a way, and if its by giving him a common cold, then so be it. “We.. we cant keep our phones there, for privacy reasons- Mr. Stark doesn’t-“ “I dont give a fuck about Stark and your fuckass project!”
You manage to surprise yourself by shouting at him that way, you’re just so pissed off. It would’ve been better for the both of you if he hadn’t shown up, at least you would’ve cried yourself to sleep only to act like nothing happened, but seeing him, hearing his excuses that you’ve heard already thousands of times, whenever he missed the group hang outs or class. But this time its different.
“I told the professor you were busy, but you insisted to be my tutor anyway. This exam is so important to me but you just cant understand! Jungwon, not everyone is a damn genius like you, not everyone has fucking Tony Stark making projects and shit for him, i needed help today but you decided to just waste my time.”
Jungwon remains still, looking at you in shock, he’s never seen you this angry, he didnt even know it was possible for you to crash out this way. Suddenly his throat is dry and he doesnt know what to say, meanwhile you are fighting your own tears from falling. You feel guilty, in a way, you dont like getting mad and you definitely dont like the fact that it was Jungwon the one to see you this way. You hate it, how you cant still be fully mad at him because of how much you like him, his big dark eyes looking at you as if you just broke his heart. You take a deep breath in, and right now you dont know if you’re shaking because of the cold, your drenched clothes or from anger.
“I’m sorry.” He doesnt say anything else, and you actually wait for him to add another sentence, maybe you expect another excuse, but no. He just looks at you like a sad little kitten, and that only angers you even more. You shake your head no one last time before turning away from him and walking towards your house. You dont look back, because you know that if you did you would melt, you’d ask him to come inside and you’d say sorry to him for crashing out. And right now this is not what you need.
A couple of days later, you decided to stay in an empty classroom just so you could be able to study without having to worry about getting distracted. You’ve been ignoring Jungwon, but its not that hard when he is barely available anyway. He wasnt with your friends last night, and you havent seen him in class or anywhere else really. Last time you saw him, two days ago, you just turned on your heels and ignored him, but that was it.
You sigh, hating having to do this, the exam will be in two weeks and you still cant bring yourself to understand any of these things. You’re about to give up and smash your head on the table when the sound of notebooks falling on the chair next to you suddenly startles you.
“You were right, i acted on impulse and i’m sorry.” Jungwon is standing in front of you, he looks like he hadn’t slept well, dark circles under his gorgeous eyes that you love so much.
You dont say anything, too confused to actually react in a normal way. He’s making your heart beat so fast and the butterflies in your stomach are going crazy. “I made notes for you. I tried to keep it simple and add schemes, it took me a while, but i really wanted to help you.” Your lips press into a pout, now you really feel awful for how you treated him, this is why you like him so much. No matter how others treat him he’s always kind and gentle and god, you really fucked up, uh.
“I’m sorry for crashing out the other day.” “I deserved it.” “That’s not the point.” You sigh for what seems the ninth time today and you get up. He’s still taller than you, but what really makes you feel much smaller are his shoulders, his body is so fit and broad for him to have the face of an angel. There’s a few minutes of silence, it seems like you two always end up not saying anything for a while, just looking at each other and waiting for the other to speak. This time you decide to break it.
“I’ll offer you dinner, or coffee or a drink? if i actually pass the exam.” Jungwon’s smile gets even bigger, he likes how bold you’ve been lately, first asking him if he wanted to stay at your house, now this. If only he wasnt so busy being a damn hero, he would’ve asked you out a long time ago. “Let’s go see a movie instead, like a date.” You have to blink a couple of times to understand that, is he really asking you on a date? You look at him as if he’s talking nonsense, your lips parted in shock and you fear you might faint from how fast your heart is beating. He chuckles at your reaction. “You better pass that exam now.”
You’ve never studied so hard in your entire life. The two weeks passed so slowly, you basically closed yourself inside your house, or the library, or in the classroom, doing everything you could do to pass that exam. And so, when the day of the test finally arrives, you’re sure you can do it with your eyes closed. Well, kind of. You still dont get the highest grade, because you would’ve needed either a miracle or some sort of dark magic for that, but you still pass it.
You get out of the class, a huge smile on your lips while you walk towards the dining hall, where all your friends are waiting for you. “Oh my god i almost forgot your face!” Says Yunjin, pinching your cheeks when you sit between her and Jungwon. “Did you even eat these past weeks?” “You honestly got us worried.” “Oh my god, you guys. I was just studying its not like a supervillain kidnapped me or something.” Jungwon grimaces at your words. “Ugh, dont jinx it.”
A chuckle escapes your lips as you roll your eyes before digging in your food. Jay and Yunah are now arguing about which supervillain the world has seen would be able to kidnap you, meanwhile Jungwon is shaking his head no, trying to stop them from fantasizing about it. “I wouldn’t mind Loki i guess,” “Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ugly.” Yunjin’s reaction makes the whole table laugh.
“I’ve never met Loki..” Jungwon says, almost to himself, the others probably didnt even hear him, but you turn to look at him with a confused expression, your brows furrowed. “Well, duh. We were too young when the avengers stopped him.” The blondie just looks at you back, almost embarrassed about that sentence falling off his mind and coming out from his mouth. “Yeah… yeah i meant like, uh, yeah we were too young..” He’s acting weird, but you let that go, after all Jungwon does seem like a huge superhero nerd.
The week goes on and finally, finally, its time for your date with Jungwon. If it can even be called a date. Well, he called it a date so you assume it actually is one. Still, he did call you this time telling you he was going to be five minutes late, so you take your time walking towards the cinema.
Its been raining a lot these past few days, but you’re prepared, the white umbrella tight in your hands.
You’re just going to see a movie, but you still thought about dressing up nicely. The white dress you’re wearing might be a bit too springy, but you dont mind that. And you do have a pretty coat over it, so its fine. Your boots are perfect for the weather, and so are the thighs under them, and most importantly you feel cute.
Just as Jungwon said, he reaches you five minutes later, his breathing ragged as if he just ran. His hands behind his back but you can clearly see the flowers he’s trying to hide. He looks embarrassed, but the smile on your face makes me feel much more at ease. “I- Lets say it wasnt a good idea to get them and then run under the rain.” He says, handing them to you.
You laugh, the flowers must’ve looked pretty before he put his hands on them. They’re drenched and some of them are even missing a couple of petals, you couldnt care less about it though. He got you flowers. Yang Jungwon, the guy you’ve had a crush on for two years got you flowers, and you couldnt be happier.
“You’re always running somewhere.” You chuckle.
He links arms with you, walking towards the ticket booth. You dont even know what film you’re watching, knowing him its probably some sci-fi movie or a really old one that he always references but you dont know. “I mean, running is healthy.” “As long as you dont run away from me..” He keeps silent at your words, looking at you deeply, his eyes scanning your body and face, he always does that. “I’ll try.”
That answer leaves you in a chaos of emotions. He will try? What does that even mean? Your face must be telling that, or maybe its the way your body stiffened up. He opens his mouth to say something else, probably trying to save what he just did, but you dont even hear him. A loud noise echoed outside the cinema and you find yourself catching Jungwon’s hands out of fear.
He suddenly looks serious, his hand on your back, his brows furrowed in what seems anger and annoyance, that’s not a normal reaction if someone were to ask you. He looks around, meanwhile the other people around you are already screaming and running out of the theater, and you’re starting to get anxious too. “Jungwon we have to-“ “Take the emergency door on the left, i’ll catch up to you later.”
He lets you go, but you’re only getting more and more confused. He’s not coming with you? You shake your head no, in disbelief. You’re not leaving him here out in danger, what is he, some kind of superhero? “What? Are you out of your mind? Jungwon let’s just go..” You grab his arm and he closes his eyes for a second, getting out a deep sigh before he cups your cheeks.
“I swear, i’ll explain everything to you, but you have to go now. Just trust me and get out from that door only.” He’s not a superhero. You keep repeating yourself that, like a mantra, he cant be. He’s Jungwon, you would know if he was, he wouldnt be able to shut up about it, he’s like a twenty year old Tony Stark, there’s no way he is. But then you feel the way he’s holding you, his broad shoulders protecting you and his big hands on your face, its so familiar. And the look in his eyes is telling everything you need to know.
So you nod, hesitantly, but you do as he says. You can only hope he’s not actually who you think he is, your hands stop gripping his wrists so tightly and he gives you a gentle and reassuring smile before leaving a kiss on your cheek. “Go home, and dont take the metro. I’ll be right back.” You nod again and then you go, with your heart thumping against your chest, your head filled with dots connecting each other, and you dont know what to think.
You reach home safely, only because you did as Jungwon told you. You didnt take the metro, which happened to be involved in the fight, and you wonder how the hell did he know that would’ve happened. You sit on your bed, checking every news site, refreshing the spiderman tag on twitter every couple of seconds. You’re not 100% sure about it, maybe you’re just traumatized and insane, maybe a man protecting you reminds you of spiderman and this is just you projecting, but you cant ignore the signs.
That time at the library, he didn’t come and spiderman was fighting off somewhere at the same time, or all those times he left early or didnt come at all, all those excuses and that Stark project, is that even real? It makes sense, it makes too much sense and you feel like you will be going crazy until he comes back like he promised you.
You’re about to go downstairs and make a chamomile or something that could help you not go insane when you hear a tap on your balcony window. Jungwon is there and you waste no time opening the slide in door for him, you want to ask him a thousand questions but he just puts his finger over his lips, telling you to be quiet.
You dont know why he’s doing that, but you accomplish and close the window door behind him. You were so distracted waiting for him that you didnt even turn on the lights, and its so dark outside so you had barely noticed the mask in his hand. That mask. You take a better look at him and you feel so stupid when you notice what he’s wearing.
You dont know if you’re even surprised at this point, nor how you find the force to close the curtains and turn on one of the little lights in your room. He slides down the wall, he looks tired, and hurt, but he’s still looking at you with that same cocky vibe he always has. “You don’t look surprised.”
“I had a lot to think about walking home.” He smiles even more, and you kneel down next to him, your hand going to his hair without even thinking to much about it, you move them away from his forehead, and you just now notice a few small cuts on his face. “Is this a deal breaker for you?” He chuckles softly, his breath catching, even he knows how ridiculous he sounds right now, but you’re too mad to joke around with him.
“The deal breaker was you vanishing for weeks, lying to our friends, lying to me, finding useless excuses, asking me out on a date and then letting me run off of my own, leaving me alone at the library for hours and-“ You notice the way he’s looking at you, each word you say making him feel even worse, his already huge eyes looking even bigger.
“And… it doesnt even matter, because i like you so much i cant get mad at you.” It should feel good, telling him that you like him, it should feel like letting go of a weight off your shoulders, but it doesnt. Your heart feels heavy, you dont know how to feel, you’re worried sick and you dont know how you’re going to handle knowing that he is, indeed, spiderman.
You let your head fall on his shoulder while he hugs you almost immediately. You can hear the way his heart is beating, he doesn’t like seeing you like this and he hates being the cause of it, so he tries to soothe you down, hands caressing your back and playing with your hair.
“I like you a lot, too. And if this too much for you i’ll- I dont know, i’ll ask that damn doctor magician to erase it from your memory or something, just- I’m sorry.” You shake your head no while hiding in his chest, you dont want to forget this, he trusted you enough to know, and you respect that. “Who else knows?” “Jay and well, Mr. Stark and well yeah, everyone of that category.”
You just nod, you really cant believe this. Jungwon and Jay keeping a secret of this sort, you really thought Jungwon was the kind of guy to tell anyone if he were to be a hero, but apparently you know way less about him than you expected. You raise your head to look at him. He looks pretty hot like this, his lips are red, probably from fighting, his hair is a mess and that’s partly your faul, and wow. The suit fits him so well. His broad shoulders, his toned chest and his biceps look even better with it on.
“You’re staring.” He says, his fingers going under your chin to make you look at his face, which doesnt help your wondering thoughts, since he’s just that handsome. “You always stare at me, too.” “Yeah, ‘cause you’re pretty.” You crack a smile at that, its not the first time he calls you pretty, but it always gives you butterflies. Before you even realize, he puts his arms on your waist and makes you sit on his lap. Well, now you know where all his strength comes from.
“I wasnt expecting our first date to end up like this.” He moves to be closer to you, his nose nuzzling with yours, his voice getting lower, your hands rest on his chest. “What were you expecting?” That question seems to get a reaction out of him, his brow raising, a smirk on his face. “Well, you would’ve hated the movie i choose anyway. At that would’ve led you to be bored, and to us making out.” You giggle at that, you dont know if that would’ve actually happened, but the thought is nice.
“You think you can make my dream come true, Pretty?” Maybe its the suit that is making him act even more cocky than he usually is, or maybe you’re just too turned on by it to think about anything else. Your eyes scan him one last time, your hands moving behind his neck, your lips brushing against each other. “I’ll try.” And that said, your lips finally crash into his. For years you imagined how it would feel to kiss him, and this is so much better than any of that.
Jungwon is confident in his moves, his lips move with ease against yours, his hands keep you still on his lap, his tongue gently asking for permission by licking your bottom lip. You let him, not know that its going to be the end for you. He tilts his head, enough to go deeper while you just let him take the lead. You feel like you’re in heaven his lips are soft yet his kissing gets rougher as time passes, soon enough the room is filled with the sounds of your breathing, your lips meeting and tongues clicking. He doesnt seem to be wanting to let you go, you still pull out after a while, feeling out of breath.
He leans in for more but you stop him with a gentle peck, a giggle escaping from you. “Calm down, Spidey. Not everyone has super lungs.” “I dont, either.” He laughs and pushes your hair our of your face and puts them behind your ears. “You’re really okay with this? Even if I’m spiderman?” You can hear the insecurity in his voice, and honestly, it really is a big deal. He’s a superhero, he gets in trouble, people want him dead and knowing it might affect your daily life too. But right now you dont care.
“First of all, you’re Jungwon. We’ll figure out the spiderman stuff together. But yes, i am sure about Jungwon, a hundred percent.” He nods, a smile on his lips before he kisses you again, and again, and again. “I should’ve done this a long time ago.” He whispers between kisses, next thing you know he picks you up before throwing you on the bed, you giggle again, your body open to him.
You look at him and he just looks so perfect to you. You can’t believe this is happening, Jungwon is on top of you, kissing you and whispering sweet nothings between your lips. He pulls out for a few seconds to look back at you, a smirk on your lips as you bite his ear before whispering.
“The suit stays on, though.”
#enha imagines#enha scenarios#enha#enha x reader#jungwon#enha fluff#enhypen#jungwon x reader#jungwon x you#jungwon imagines#jungwon smau#jungwon smut#jungwon scenarios#yang jungwon#spiderman!jungwon#spiderman!au#enhypen au#divider creds: cafekitsune
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sweet [part three]
paige bueckers x azzi fudd
word count: 2k
masterlist
Paige has only ever fallen in love once.
She knows that it’s wrong, everything against her moral code, to have a girl in her bed while thinking of another one entirely. But in the middle of the night, when Ella is fast asleep and Paige shifts away to her side of the bed, her thoughts can’t help but wander to soft brown eyes and long tan legs. When Ella chooses a sweater from her closet to throw on, she can’t help but think of how Azzi wore it better.
But these are just remnants of feelings, Paige reminds herself. She’d gotten over Azzi long ago, when she’d realized there was no chance her best friend could ever reciprocate the same feelings. Azzi was always the first one to slip out after sex, talking about having to study or do something important. More often than not, Paige woke up to an empty bed. Azzi was the one who always changed the subject whenever Paige brought up their situationship, clearly not wanting to take things further. Azzi was the one who had met Ella enthusiastically, patting Paige on the back.
In other words, Azzi Fudd was very much not in love with Paige Bueckers.
So Paige knows that it’s a good thing that Azzi seems to be distancing herself, that it would probably help snap whatever was going on them completely in half. A clean break from a universe where she’s not completely and utterly in love with the one person she can’t have. But Paige also knows that she’s going absolutely batshit crazy without her, which is how she finds herself outside of Azzi’s apartment in the middle of the night for the second time in two weeks.
As soon as the doors opens, Paige blurts out, “Did she say something to you?”
Azzi stares bleary eyed and dazed at her. Paige almost blushes at how cute Azzi looks in her little pajama shorts, the cloth riding up to show the smoothness of her thighs. Blushes. She needs to get ahold of herself.
“What?” Azzi’s sure she’s half hallucinating.
“If she said some shit to you, you can tell me. You know I don’t fuck with anyone who doesn’t fuck with you.”
“No, Paige.” Azzi rubs her temples. It’s always three steps forward and four steps back with them.
“Then what’s the problem?” Paige says, frustrated. “You‘ve barely been responding to any of my texts and you keep cancelling our plans.”
“The problem is that you’re willing to break up with your girlfriend for me!”
Paige’s expression turns sour. “That’s not what I said. I’m saying that you’re my best friend. And I care about what you think.”
“We’re not normal best friends, and you know it,” Azzi accuses. “Ella doesn’t deserve this. I know what it feels like, constantly worrying about another girl. It’s not fair of you to treat her like that.”
“You’re calling me a bad girlfriend?” Paige scoffs and looks away, a dirty taste in her mouth. “You don’t exactly have expertise in this area.”
Azzi’s lips tremble. “I can’t do this anymore, Paige.”
“Wait.” Paige reaches for her, flinching when Azzi pulls away. “I’m sorry, Az. I didn’t mean that.”
“I think we should-” Azzi exhales, gathering her thoughts. “We should take some space.”
“Space?” Paige wrinkles her nose. “We’re not even dating and you’re fucking breaking up with me?”
“It’s not like anything will change from the last few weeks.” Azzi folds her arms, looking like she’d rather be anywhere than here. “We barely even talk anymore and when we do, we’re fighting. This isn’t healthy. And - and Ella is good for you. She’s safe.”
“I don’t want space,” Paige says. “I can’t do space.” Her voice cracks, and Azzi only realizes now how bloodshot her eyes are, the bags underneath dark and pronounced. “Not from you.”
Azzi wipes her cheek with her sleeve. “I’m sorry.” She opens her mouth to say something, then cuts herself off by looking away, and Paige is well versed in everything Azzi - her body language, her habits, her tells - enough to know that the younger girl is hiding something from her.
“Say it.”
“Paige, stop.”
“Tell me!”
Azzi bites her bottom lip, worrying the skin with her teeth. “I was just gonna say…” she hesitates. “I was just gonna say that I’m seeing someone else too. So space would be good. For both of us. For me.”
“You’re seeing someone else?”
Azzi ducks her head. “It’s not any of your business, but yeah.”
“Who?”
“It’s really new. We’re not even dating yet.”
Paige’s heart drops. “Is it a girl?”
“Yeah.” Paige’s heart plummets all the way to the floor. A guy, maybe she could handle. A girl? There’s something so much more intimate about being with a woman, and she doesn’t know if she can handle even just thinking about Azzi lying in bed with another girl, touching another girl, loving another girl.
“Can I meet her?”
“I’m introducing her to the team next week. You can come if you want.”
Paige nods to herself, still trying to comprehend the fact that Azzi is with a woman - a woman that’s not her.
“I’m sorry.” Azzi repeats quietly. Then she turns her back, heading back to her room. “Lock the door on your way out.”
“Azzi.” It’s a last plea, a cry for help.
The younger girl halts, but she doesn’t turn around.
“We’re gonna be okay, right?” Paige’s voice is trembling.
“Of course we are.” But Azzi doesn’t sound so sure of herself.
Paige approaches her slowly from behind, putting her hands on her waist, hesitantly at first. When Azzi doesn’t move away, instead subconsciously leaning back into her touch, she rests her forehead on the younger girl’s shoulder, breathing in her scent, breathing in her. They stay like that for a few moments, breaths ragged, cheeks wet. Then Azzi’s covering her hands with her own, squeezing them gently before moving them away, stepping away, walking away, closing the door, and she’s gone.
Paige has only ever fallen in love once. Now, she thinks her heart has broken once too.
••
“I don’t like her.”
Ella brushes mascara over her lashes, dabbing at a dark blotch that had accidentally streaked her eyelid. “You haven’t even met her.”
“Well, I can already tell she’s a bitch.” Page grumbles, pacing the room for the fiftieth time that night.
“Don’t be insufferable,” Ella fixes Paige with a scrutinizing glare. “Come on, we’re gonna be late.” She grabs Paige’s hand, and Paige grimaces. Ella’s palms are always so clammy.
Much to Paige’s chagrin, her best friend isn’t even at her own apartment when they show up. The rest of the team is about to start the movie, so she sits in the corner with Ella as the lights dim. She can’t even eat the popcorn her girlfriend offers her, too busy thinking about what Azzi’s girl looks like.
Halfway through the movie, the door opens suddenly, and Azzi and the other girl fall in, giggling over something stupid. They freeze once they realize everyone’s eyes on them, but Azzi quickly straightens up and grabs her hand. “Everyone,” she says shyly. “This is Micaela.”
The entire team stands up at once, going to greet her with open arms, but Paige stays fixed to her seat, staring stubbornly at the movie. “Come on,” Ella gripes, nudging at her shoulder. “Don’t be rude.”
“Movie’s not done yet.” Paige finally reaches for the popcorn, steadfastly chewing the kernels without giving Micaela another glance.
Ella gives up, leaning back and folding her arms as she tosses another glare to the blonde. It’s only when Nika clears her throat that Paige looks up and realizes that everyone is staring at them expectantly.
Paige is resolved in her refusal to get up, but then she finally looks at Azzi. And Azzi is staring at her, with so much hurt and hope in her eyes, screaming you’re still my best friend, that Paige’s own chest hurts and she forces herself to stand up. “Hey,” she says gruffly, making her way over to Micaela and sticking out a reluctant hand. “Paige.”
“Paige! It’s so nice to meet you. I’m a huge fan!” Micaela gushes.
Paige arches an eyebrow at Nika, trying to hold back a laugh, but the brunette gives her a warning glare. Coughing away her laugh, Paige nods. “That’s cool. It’s nice to meet you too.” She glances over to Azzi, making sure she did okay. Azzi’s shoulders relax, her smile becoming a little brighter, and Paige’s eyes soften.
Everyone gathers on the couches to finish watching the movie, but all Paige can hear is the low tones coming from the kitchen, where Azzi and Micaela had stayed to make food. But when she enters, Micaela is gone, and Azzi is alone.
“Bathroom,” Azzi responds to Paige’s lifted eyebrow. Paige nods, opening up the cabinet and rummaging through the snacks, feeling the weight of Azzi’s stare on her back.
“We don’t have anymore Chex mix.”
Cursing under her breath, Paige closes the cabinet.
“Your girlfriend’s wearing my hoodie, by the way.”
Paige’s head snaps up. “What?”
“Her hoodie. It’s mine.” Azzi tilts her head, studying Paige carefully.
Paige’s face warms. “Sorry. I didn’t notice. She just took it off my bed.” Her blush intensifies when she realizes the mistake she’s accidentally just admitted, and from the tense look on Azzi’s face, she’d caught it too. But instead of addressing it, Azzi turns away, busying herself with making her sandwich.
Paige waits a little longer, hoping the younger girl will say something else, but she doesn’t. So when she returns and KK’s pouring out shots, she takes more than a few.
“Okay, y’all. We playing truth or dare,” KK announces after everyone’s had a few drinks in their system.
Ignoring the complaints, KK gathers everyone in a circle. “I’ll go first,” she declares.
With the shots she’d taken earlier, Paige feels a little loose, a nice warmth in her tummy. She’s almost relaxed when KK says, “I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room.”
As if on instinct, Paige’s eyes flick to Azzi. It’s brief, and she only hesitates for a second, but it’s enough. Ella shifts uncomfortably beside her. KK is smirking, not even trying to hide the look on her face. And Paige swears she sees a hint of a smile on Azzi’s lips before she looks away.
“Come here,” she says softly, pulling Ella in and giving her a quick peck on the cheek.
“On the cheek is crazy,” she hears someone mutter. Jana elbows KK, who rolls her eyes.
KK goes around, insisting on a new version of truth or dare where she gets to ask everyone the question. Having grown accustomed to KK’s antics, no one even bothers to protest against her system.
“Azzi,” KK says. “Who was your New Year’s kiss?”
The whole team oohs. Last year, they’d been in a hotel for a game on the first day of January. Everyone had gathered in the lobby to watch the ball drop, but Paige had convinced Azzi to sneak off with her, saying that it just wouldn’t be right to start a new year without a kiss. Luckily, no one had put two and two together, but they’d all noticed Azzi returning with a goofy smile. Despite their pestering, Azzi had refused to tell them. Paige had thought it was to keep their situationship on the down low, but she realizes now that maybe it was because Azzi was embarrased of her. Her chest constricts.
“I can’t remember.”
Paige’s grip on her shot cup tightens. Azzi refuses to meet her eyes.
“Must’ve been pretty bad if you can’t remember,” Ice snickers. Paige swears she’s seeing red.
“Yeah.” Azzi pours herself another shot and drains it. “Must have.”
••
“I suck at a lot of things, but kissing isn’t one of them,” Paige says, her words slurring together.
“What did you want me to say? Both of our girlfriends were just sitting in there.” Azzi argues, just as buzzed as Paige is. The two of them glare at each other, the alcohol coursing through their bodies making them hotheaded. I wanted you to say that you kissed me. I wanted you to say that you liked kissing me. I wanted you to say that kissing you makes me feel alive in a way that nothing else can. I wanted you to feel the same. Paige’s chest heaves.
Micaela walks in, instantly picking up on the tension in the room. “Everything okay, babe?” Her hands circle Azzi’s waist as she eyes the blonde warily.
“Everything’s fine,” Paige says shortly. “We’re in the middle of something here. You can go.”
“I didn’t recall asking you.” Micaela snaps with a fire Paige didn’t know she had inside of her. “Are you good?” she directs the question at Azzi, drawing her closer.
“I’m fine.”
“Is she bothering you?”
Paige expects Azzi to open her mouth and tell Micaela off, like she always does whenever someone tries to pit the two of them against each other. Paige expects Azzi to laugh at the sheer thought of having to be saved from her best friend. But Azzi doesn’t do any of those things. She says, “Yeah, she is.” And she lets Micaela lead her away.
Is it possible to get your heart broken twice?
#paige bueckers#azzi fudd#uconnwbb#pazzi#wcbb#uconn wbb#paige x azzi#paige bueckers x azzi fudd#angst#fic
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evergreen
𖤓 part vii. | series m.list | prev | part viii.
touya had been at camp for less than 24 hours and he could already feel himself cracking. you were insufferable, stubborn, and self righteous, but it doesn't take him long to remember that you always had been.
betweens silent sips of the beer bottle twirling between his fingers, he thinks back on the summer after his sixteenth birthday- which he concluded was the last good summer before things started getting bad.
this was the year that touya had forgotten to pack deodorant for one of japan's hottest summers within the last decade. knowing you, it didn't take much convincing for you to practically beg him to take your spare. you two spent the entire summer smelling like lilac and white tea.
touya distinctly remembered all the teasing from other campers that so obviously made its way under your skin. you've always been so easily irritable. he probably spent that entire summer warning you about getting a crinkled tan line right in between your eyebrows from all the scowling.
he almost audibly laughs to himself. compared to the look on your face when you two made eye contact earlier today, he half-way wished it was that scowl instead.
touya leans his head back and lets it hit the smooth wood of the cabin wall, bringing the opening of the bottle up to his lips. this wouldn't be the first night he'd be drinking with you on his mind.
"dude, get your fucking shoes off my bed." tomura tosses a pillow off of hawks' bed, hitting touya's shoulder.
he rolls his eyes and straightens his legs, letting his feet dangle off the side of the bed.
"loser." he mutters into the back of his hand as he swipes it across his lips.
"and if you throw up on my bed, i'm setting your cabin on fire." tomura downs the remainder of the contents in his red solo cup. "y/n in it and everything, you fuckers can die together."
touya rolls his eyes with a glint of a smirk on his lips.
“always such a romantic, shigs. you’re more than welcome to burn with us.”
"shut up, I can't stand emo on emo crime, or flirting or whatever the fuck you guys are doing." hawks slurs, swivelling back and forth on the desk chair with his cheek pressed against the palm of his hand. "y/n is just another one of touya's victims, leave them out of this."
tomura drops his head into his lap, slapping a hand over his mouth to suppress a fit of drunken giggles. hawks look over at him with a wide grin.
"that wasn't even funny, shigs." he giggles. "shut up or else touya's gonna beat your ass."
"me?" he exclaims. "you're the one who said some stupid shit, not me. i'm gonna tell y/n and have them beat your ass." he says in between laughter.
touya's eyes flicker between the two bickering and laughing back and forth in their drunken daze. if he was a bit less intoxicated, he'd have more to say to his idiot friends and their antics.
maybe that was a cue for him to leave.
touya sits for a bit longer. it would be wise of him to sober up before stepping out into the open woods and making the trek back to his cabin- especially if he had to come to face you this late. is this feeling excitement or dread?
he taps on his phone screen. 12:37 AM.
he wonders if you were done packing. it's been almost three hours since curfew. what would you be doing now? making a summer bingo card? read a book? going through his things? plotting his demise? you were always a mass of type-a unpredictability.
the cabin door suddenly swings open, bringing the bickering to a halt and inviting in the warm summer night breeze.
while the breeze rolls in, the air sucks out of touya's lungs.
"what?" you sheepishly say, suddenly self conscious over the amount of eyes on you.
touya noticed the familiar old jacket slung over your shoulder. there was really no need for one on a warm summer night like this, but of course you had to grab it.
just in case!
your voice rings in his head.
"am i interrupting something?" you cock an eyebrow, eyeing the line of empty beer bottles lining the wall. "weren't you losers just saying something about missing me? what're you guys so quiet about?"
"you're late." hawks exclaims, breaking the wall of silence. "shots. now. you need to catch up." he reaches down from under the desk and pulls out a half empty handle of vodka.
"nah, put that shit away." tomura slides himself off of hawks' bed and stumbles onto his own beside touya "i wanna go to sleep."
"pull it together, crustbucket." you huff, taking his spot on hawks' bed across from the others. "you can handle a couple more shots."
you silently said your prayers. you and touya haven't seen each other since the bonfire, and he hadn't bothered stopping by the cabin before heading off to hawks and tomura's. you weren't sure if you were unintentionally-intentionally avoiding each other, or if things really are different now.
get a grip.
you silently curse to yourself, accepting the handle of vodka that you were sure had been passed around many of the other counselors that had stopped by earlier.
you squint your eyes shut in anticipation before tipping the bottle back, taking in a deep swig of the lukewarm alcohol.
you hold your breath through the burning sensation crawling down your throat. a beat passes. then two.
your eyes slowly open and catch touya's. he doesn't notice his lips curling into a smirk or his head nodding in approval as you pass the handle over to him.
you were grateful that in this weather, with this alcohol settling in your stomach, the heat prickling your cheeks and ears could pass off as nothing.
"where'd you learn how to do that?" he casually brings the spout up to his lips, the smirk never disappearing.
"you don't think i know how to drink?" you cock an eyebrow at him.
"can't i be impressed?" he playfully rolls his eyes. "you used to be such a wimp when it came to this stuff."
you don't reply, but instead press your lips together and avert your gaze down to your shoes.
if they were kids again, touya would take this as a success. you don't let him win often- or at all, really, but there's something bitter laced with your silence.
things feel different.
a/n: ok time to check in how r we feeling abt this fellas!!!! i rlly do writing shigs n hawks like this like i lowkey think they should all kissssss heh
tags:
@iluv-ace @bitchyfestivalbouquet @redr0sewrites @babylambdietcoke @bnhabadass @hanmastattoos @1ndee @starsryi @nesrynsblog @twoplayergaymers @suksatoru @ita606 @pookiebear16 @fictionalcharactersownmyheart @in-the-marina-trench @haruhi269 @itgetzweird08 @ilophilia @chimimon @emluvs-sugu @punishblue @whorror-complex @akumakitsune21 @maddie-rose-1 @ixeyi @commonmisery @ggriwm @exselily @kryscent @starrmage @vannyinthestars @burnishingbagels @soobhns @kaybug88 @lantsovheiress @0skullyard0 @albakugo @sleepyk0dyz
#also i know east asian people do nawt be needing deodorant but i also do think touya is a stinky teen boy <3#bnha#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#mha#bnha x reader#mha x reader#mha smau#dabi#touya todoroki#mha dabi#dabi x reader#dabi todoroki#toya todoroki#touya#touya x reader#touya todoroki x reader#todoroki touya#todoroki touya x reader#mha touya#bnha dabi#bnha touya#dabi touya#touya smau#dabi smau#touya smau series
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Pages from trying to keep a little sketchbook-scrapbook type thing going for two weeks lol. I gave myself specific rules in hopes they might all end up more cohesive/consistent seeming, but alas, scribbly chaos reigns, it seems
#sketchbook#scrapbook#Actually I feel like these are kind of incomprehensible in photo form like.. In person holding the book its easy to look at#but as images on this scale I feel like there's so much tiny little text and small scribles and stuff you'd have to 'right click > open#image in new browser tab > zoom in' just to actually really see the thing. which for 7 images is excessive lol.. so. probably not the best#medium for sharing really but. I suppose I thought they might look cooler lined up next to each other. The whole part of using a#limited color palette is so that maybe they kind of seem to have more consistent color schemes or something throughout. but I dont#know if they look all that 'related' or not. I think these types of challenges I have always sucked at because I am a being of clutter and#excess. I can't just do like one little simple nice looking design and have that Crisp Neat calligraphy with evenhanded perfect lines#and perfect symmetical composition and etc. etc. Like some poeple post very aesthetically clean and cohesive looking sketch#pages or something but I simply cannot hold back the brain impulse to add more. more. more. Fill every single blank space with color#or a little drawing or a sticker or something. I take away 500 things and there are still a million there. Even when I thik I'm being#'simplistic' I'm still usually being 2x more complicated and cluttered than the standard or whatever lol. I guess thats clear from my#outfits/costumes though too. Like whatever that saying is from that person about something like 'before you leave the house take off one#more accessory. you dont need it' for me is like.. 'before you leave the house. add 10 more accessories. and 6 more layers. and another'#AAANyway. I wonder if also maybe some people would try to plan theirs in a way to look good or something or like.. plot things on the page#before placing them. I did sometimes have a theme for a day kind of (like day 10 I ended up finding a few gold and green things and then#was like.. hey... what if I looked for a few other things and only used these colors today') but aside from that I was just slapping down#stickers randomly and working around them to fill the page. Maybe a lot of neat minimalistic asthetic design is about planning and#having a Vision set ahead of time. instead of just complete random whatever. doodling whilst watching youtube videos or eating lunch. It's#a miracle actually I've managed to not spill any food on the book the whole time. anyway.. I do wish the highlighter really showed up. the#scanner kind of makes the colors look VERY different to irl. But also it got much clearer images than just camera pictures of pages. alas..#..Still oddly enjoy the phrase 'Salisbury Steak gently kissed with industrial pollutants'#probably my favorite section of 'gluing random papers and things onto the page' lol#Also I wonder if it's super obvious that I literally never ever use references when I draw (save for the few freakish looking youtube#face sketches) since everyone is always in the same positions and looking very similar ghhb. This could have been a good opportunity to#work on not solely drawing from my mind and try to do more Dynamic Experimental scribbles. NO. Same exact eye for the 90th time#be upon ye. But I guess it was meant to be casual 'daily doodles'. True 'practice' would make it seem too effortful like a full project. hm#(lol the one decimated pencil in the set... never hand me a writing utensil. i will passively destroy it somehow. shaving the sides of a#pencil off with a knife or snapping a pen in half as a nervous fidget without even realizing i've done it. sorry to the drawing implements)
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Caught - Daisuke x GN! Reader
Type: silly fluff!! Gender neutral reader, as usual. lil bit of cursing too.
Summary: reader & Daisuke go out to steal sweetener packets, but somebody catches them red (or pink ig??? The sweetener IS pink) handed. They’re (possibly?) cooked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You were resting after a long day of work on the Tulpar, letting your bed practically swallow you and your exhausted self whole. Until you heard light knocking at the door to your quarters, which got a bit rougher as the person out there called your name.
“Y/N! Y/NNN!!! Come on, get out here!” Daisuke whisper-shouted. It was that time again. Your weekly sweetener raid. It was more for him rather than you, but you indulged in the snacking sometimes.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” you groaned, adjusting your pajamas as you stepped out of bed, opening the door to reveal your partner in crime. He was also dressed in pajamas, but predictably wore his Hello Kitty ones as he usually did.
“You’re so slow!” he playfully complained.
“You’re just impatient.” you clapped back.
“Oh whatever!” he grabbed your hand, carefully dragging the two of you to the ship’s kitchen, careful not to make too much sound while going down the halls.
It looked like it was really space in there, the void nearly endless down the corridors. You saw the area outside the kitchen illuminated in blue by the massive night screen in the living room. “Shh, quiet down!” Daisuke whispered as you entered the small kitchen area.
“I didn’t even-“
“Shhh!” He had to be messing with you, or just stupid. It was the former, by the way. “Anyway,” he attempted to fidget with the packet dispenser as you leaned against the counter, “you remember the code for the packets, right?”
“No? Why would I?” You responded, “This is mostly for you anyway.”
“Oh. Well damn,” his voice flattened, “I don’t remember it either. It’s probably in that book thing though, right?”
“Already there.” You beat him to it, leaning down in front of the book, flipping until you found…right. “We need the code scanner…”
“O-kayyy!” He responded with obviously fake optimism, “We can just guess, right? Or break it.” He spoke, jokingly or not.
“I mean you can try, I’m not sure if-“
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
You’re screwed. Three wrong guesses and the machine thinks there’s a burglar or something.
“Shit, shit, shit!” He panicked, desperately trying to turn it off, but what did he need now? The code scanner!!!!!! Because of course you two did. What else would you two need? “Man, I’m never gonna get a good reference with this!” and he still worried about that.
“Fuck.” now you were panicking too, as what you assumed to be Captain Curly’s thudding footsteps rang down the hallways, “Best thing to do is face the music, like Swansea always says, right? He‘ll still be mad, but proud of us for facing it, right?” You tried to calm Daisuke, knowing him to stress a bit easily.
“You’re like- totally right now that I think about it…that makes sense I suppose.”
“What are you two doing?” Curly interrupted the small moment, groggily walking towards the kitchen.
“We were gonna get some sweetener packets, but uh, neither of us remembered the code…” the intern sheepishly admitted, leaning against the counter in an attempt to seem casual.
“Really? That’s it?” Curly yawned, “I think I remember the code to turn it off, just let me…” he trailed off, walking behind you two and fiddling with the machine for a moment before silence filled your ears.
“Thanks, Captain.” You mumbled, still a bit embarrassed.
“Of course, kiddo,” he turned to you two, “just…don’t do that again, okay you two? I’ll let it slide this time, just be more careful.” He handed the both of you one sweetener packet, tiredly smiling, “And get some sleep while you’re at it, yeah?” he suggested, before heading back to his room.
“That went…a lot better than I thought.” You said.
“Same, I thought he’d like, totally get mad.” Daisuke agreed, still a bit shaken.
“You can take my packet by the way, I’m not hungry.” You handed your pink packet to him.
“Oh, thanks man! You’re the best!” He hugged you briefly, “Goodnight!”
“Goodnight.” You yawned, watching him jog back to his quarters.
You took a seat at the couch, admiring the nighttime screen for a bit, before exhaustion got the best of you, forcing you to drag yourself to bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: I love writing for my boy Daisuke sm…someone request more of him. Or Anya. I like Anya too.
#writer#writers on tumblr#my writing#writeblr#writing#daisuke mouthwashing#x reader#Daisuke#daisuke x reader#daisuke mw#mw x reader#mouthwashing#mouthwashing writing#mouthwashing oneshot#mouthwashing x you#mouthwashing x reader#mouthwashing daisuke#daisuke Mouthwashing#one shot fanfic#one shot#Oneshot#Mouthwashing one shot#mw one shot#mw daisuke#writers#writerscommunity#fanfic#fanfiction#fanfic writing#Daisuke fanfic
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sharing is not caring
warnings: none really. for once. shocking i know
in which… matt is your boyfriend. and nate’s boyfriend.
“nathan get OFF him!” you yell, trying your best to push nate off your boyfriend. nate had arrived to matt’s room first, but he was your boyfriend. matt is laughing like a little kid, looking between you and nate.
“hey there’s enough of me to go around. sharing is caring” matt jokes, pushing nate off and pulling you into his arms instead. you sit within his legs and you settle down into the spot you’ve claimed as your own, relaxing. his arms are wrapped around your neck and laying on your stomach tracing shapes on your tummy. you giggle at the actions and giggle even louder when nate finally stands up.
hanging out with nate wasn’t crazy to you. it was a fairly normal thing. the abnormal thing was that chris wasn’t there with you. it was abnormal to matt that he was hanging out with more than one person at once. nate jumps onto the edge of the bed and turns on the TV— which was still paused on the star wars movie you were watching with matt— flipping through some channels. you groan when matt gets up, claiming to go to the kitchen to grab some snacks. you don’t doubt that he’ll bring a ton of stuff back, but the position was just getting so comfy. his walk to the kitchen was brief and he knew just what he was looking for, he just wasn’t expecting chris to be home so soon.
“hey man.” chris whispers, popping open his pepsi. matt sends him a smile, grabbing his own can of pepsi, as well as an arizona iced tea for you, and a bottle of water for nate. “sweetie upstairs?” chris asks, taking a swig of his drinks.
matt nods hesitantly, glancing towards the stairs. “yeah. she’s up there with nate right now. we’re watching the five nights at freddy’s movie.” he smiles, the simple thought of you making him lose his mind. he knows that in another life chris was supportive. he just wishes it was this one.
“sweeties pick? she always did love that damn bunny. you left them up there alone? for real? even after what they did?”
“chris what are you even talking about?” matt questions, grabbing a bag of chips from the pantry. chris runs his fingers through his hair, eyeing his brother up and down.
“you serious?” chris questions, his brows furrowing. matt shrugs, still completely clueless. “she sucked him off the summer before junior year. y’can even ask her. she’ll probably lie about it but.” matt’s mouth drops, blinking rapidly at the revelation. he could fight it and argue it in defense of you, but he doesn’t care enough to talk back to chris. he knows he’ll lose. instead, he gathers his thoughts and the things he grabbed and makes his way up stairs.
you smile when you see him. the same damn smile that he swears could save him from an apocalypse. he hands nate’s drink to him and hands you yours before settling in the position you had been in before. his face is blank, almost unreadable. you almost want to question it. to break him apart and find out what’s wrong. when nate moves around on the edge of the bed you decide to wait.
nate doesn’t leave till the movies over. it doesn’t matter to you really, you could be in a room with 1000 people you hate and as long as matt’s arms around you you’d be okay. matt swallows when he leaves, kissing your cheek gently. “can i ask you something?”
you nod and turn to look at him, gripping onto his hand. “you’ve been off since you went to the kitchen. what’d he tell you?” you whisper, knowing that the chance of chris telling him something was high.
“he um… told me about… you and nate? is it true? and i don’t care if it is because at the end of the day i don’t care about your history at all cause like i love you and who you are and not who people say you are and id just rather you be honest with me so i don’t feel like he just said it to get me to break up with you cause he’s mad at you or whatever.” he rambles, but due to his ongoing rambles he doesn’t seem to notice your face. instead of being in some sort of shock or fear, you’re smiling. he blinks at you while he’s waiting for a response but you’re still just… smiling.
“yes nate and i did that. it didn’t mean anything then and it doesn’t mean anything now. it could be 50 years in the future and it wouldn’t mean anything. you know what does mean something?” you giggle, moving to straddle matt’s waist. he hums in response, meeting your eyes. “you just said you loved me. that. means something. and i love you too. if you even meant that. if you didn’t then just forget i said anything.” you smile, pressing your forehead to his. matt finally considers his words before smiling, pressing a kiss to your lips. yeah. your boyfriend indeed.
a/n: here take it. soon i’m gonna have to start working on other shit tho.
tags: @ifwdominicfike @frankoceanfanpage @mattssslutbby @sophand4n4 @matthewsturnsgf @izzylovesmatt @m11rx @chris-hallelujah @sturniolotoast @mattsbrat @wastelandzella @le4hsblog @mattsd0llfac3 @st7rnioioss @isabellewhatt @sturnslutz @chrisscoraline @m4ttg1rl @princessesgarden @ikyoudreamofme @allylovescody
#⋆˙⟡snoopychris#⋆˙⟡nerd!matt#⋆˙⟡matt!#sturniolo triplets#matt sturniolo#matt sturniolo au#matt sturniolo fanfic#matt sturniolo fluff#matt sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo series#matthew sturniolo fluff#matthew sturniolo fanfic#matthew sturniolo smut#matthew sturniolo
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Adam: Holy shit, who knew Hell had killer food.
Lucifer chuckled and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
Lucifer: I don't usually eat out, but that place wasn't bad.
Adam: Fuck yeah, it wasn't.
They enjoyed the silence for a few moments, letting the food settle.
Adam: ...I'm kinda glad you're here. Sera wants to see me tomorrow, and I'm kinda shitting myself.
Lucifer: Oh yeah? What about?
Adam: It's either the whole, trying to take over Hell, fucking up the extermination, or letting it slip to some important fucks in Heaven about said exterminations. Who fucking knows... I've fucked up a lot this year. Those last two were big enough deals that could cost me everything, but the whole Sin thing? Yeah, no... I'm pretty sure she's going to make me fall...
Lucifer looked down, Adam deserves to be in Hell. But there are some bastards in Heaven that deserve it more.
Lucifer: I think you'll be okay. And if you're not, you're welcome to stay with me.
Adam rolled his eyes: Obviously. I don't want those fuckers to see what I'd look like... probably going to be fucking ugly... agh, I'm going to have to do a whole bullshit trial with the council, and I know what their going to vote... I might as well just stay down here.
Lucifer: ...You're really going through it, huh?
Adam shrugged: It doesn't matter. I fucking deserve it. Especially after what I did to your whole thing. The rings or whatever the fuck. I'm sure the sins would like to see me, or something... but it's fine... I'm not a pussy who runs from shit. I'll fucking face it.
Lucifer: The sins don't want to punish you, Adam.
Adam raised an eyebrow at Lucifer: Why the fuck not? Especially you, why wouldn't you want to punish me? I fucking... after everything did- after everything I've done? Fuck, man. I've fucking deserved since since the day I got fucking made.
Adam laughed for a moment, startling and confusing Lucifer.
Adam: Sera said I'm Heaven's biggest mistake. I even come before you! Which is funny as shit... I used to see her as my mom, you know? I don't know if I'm even close to that type of relationship, I've never... had one before. But, she cared, so I thought... guess it was just me being stupid. Again.
Adam laughed again before eating some bread that Lucifer had brought with him.
Lucifer: ...She had no right to say that to you.
Adam shrugged: She had every right. And she's not wrong... angels don't lie. Even though I wish they would...
The Sin of Adam!au.
One more quick au before I fall asleep.
Adam falls to Hell after his death. But he doesn't wake up in Pride. He wakes up in Wrath. Adam is completely pissed off and just itching for revenge.
In this, Adam conquers each ring of Hell, growling stronger until he's on the same wavelength as Lucifer, power wise.
Lucifer has no idea what's going on. He's slowly losing contact with the Sins, and everyone is in a state of panic. That's until he returns home from a few days away, trying to find the Sins, that he sees his daughters hotel, and Pentagram city destroyed.
Thankfully, Charlie and her friends are fine. But what she explains is unbelievable.
Charlie: It was Adam, dad!
Lucifer: Adam? He's dead Charlie- I buried him myself.
Charlie: I thought so, too! He was looking for you! He's alive!
Lucifer gets his daughter to hide. Everything is in a state of chaos. He can't find Adam anywhere.
Until he returns home and sees someone sitting on his throne.
After a long, destructive fight, Lucifer realizes that Adam only absorbed the Sins. Their not dead
Adam has literally been taken over by the powers of Hell.
Can Lucifer contain and find a way to get Adam and the Sins back before he destroys Hell and everything undead thing in it??
How will Lucifer get Adam back??
Who knows 🤷
Adam: You can't defeat me now Lucifer!
Lucifer: Oh yes I can! I'm going to fuck the sins out of you!!
Adam: Wait what?
Ozzie inside: YEAH BABY!!
Sorry I'm feeling a little silly lmao 😂
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it's all been done, more than once
•
h.k.
word count: 13.4K
tags: hueningkai x reader, rockstar!musician!hyuka, college au, reader has anxiety, description of a panic attack, no this is not me projecting shut up, also i suck at writing drunk people please ignore, fluff, slow burn kinda but not really
warnings: swearing, alcohol use, depictions of panic attacks/anxiety, shitty formatting bc the author doesn't know how tumblr formatting works
🎸 author's note: hello! this is my first ever fic, please be kind to me. i started it way back in july, forgot about it, and then was hit with the divine inspiration to finish the whole thing in a week. enjoy!
•••
"are you having fun yet?"
it was all you could do not to smash the overpriced, slightly flat vodka redbull in your hand over your friend's head.
being in college means the acceptance of two undeniable truths: making questionable decisions and being broke. this is how you often found yourself at these cheap, shitty dive bars.
your lovely, wonderful best friend beomgyu (who would not appreciate having a glass smashed over his head and his outfit ruined, you reminded yourself) was the main perpetrator of your frequent nights out. beomgyu had bought in very early to the "college-is-freedom, good-time-not-a-long-time" mindset, often dragging you out at obscene hours during the summer to whatever club or bar was still open.
and then the next one.
and the next.
fortunately for the both of you (mostly him), classes didn't start for the fall semester for about another week. not that he had anything to worry about, he was kind of a genius—school came as naturally as breathing to him, something you had always sort of envied.
you forced a pained smile and spoke as loudly as you could through gritted teeth,
"yep. loads."
truth be told, you hated bars. they were loud, overwhelming, overpriced, unclean, and more often then not, way too crowded—people packed together like sweaty, drunk sardines. it's not like you were a germaphobe, but it's places like this where you were coming into contact with way more bodily fluids than you felt comfortable with.
the bar you found yourself in now was admittedly on the cleaner side, and to beomgyu's credit, he did pick the one you hate the least—a bar called 'annex'. it was an accurate name, as the bar was a small addition to a bigger restaurant, and was pretty charming despite its size.
it was certainly not without flaws; the chipped wooden bar barely left enough space for the bartenders to move around, even without the addition of bottles of liquor, miscellaneous knick-knacks, and probably illegally obtained road signs lining the walls. every time you looked, you saw something you hadn't seen before. had that poster been there the last time? what about the traffic light?
you really didn't like this scene at all—it made you nervous. but you loved beomgyu, and it's not like you didn't enjoy a drink or two, so it was kind of difficult to say no—especially once your cognitive abilities had been reasonably dampened by the alcohol.
"woahh...negative nancy over here," he said, holding his hands up in mock surrender and stumbling back a bit.
"that is not my name." you couldn't help but crack a small smile at beomgyu and his outdated phrases.
"i know what your name is, silly...it's an esspression!"
"ex-pression. how many drinks does that one you have there make?"
"s'what i said....and only like....three." you could see the gears in his head turning. "or...maybe...maybe six...which s'basically the same!" beomgyu said indignantly.
you rolled your eyes. you felt kind of bad being so off-put by the place, you didn't want to ruin gyu's fun—but you couldn't help it. your head was beginning to pound from the lights and the overwhelming sound of chatter coming from every direction, and the walls felt like they were closing in further and further by the second.
neon signs and LED lights were about the only illumination in the room, bathing everyone in purple, red, and blue hues. the poorly painted black stool you sat on wobbled as you craned your neck at the crowd in front of you; people were crammed together at tables, lined up outside the never-empty bathroom—or for the most part, directly in front of the tiny stage at the far end of the room.
before you could protest, the conversations in the room noticeably quieted—the humming noise of a guitar amp being plugged in and the feedback from a microphone replacing the voices.
this was the only part you truly kind of enjoyed. the music. most of the music at these kinds of places was...subpar at best; cover bands butchering classics, some guy in a graphic tee and flannel with guitar tabs on his phone thinking he's the next elliot smith—usually cringey, but entertaining nonetheless. but every once in a while, there will be a singer or a band that seems too big for the cardboard box of a bar they're in, too talented for such a small audience.
he looked about the same as any college musician would—nervous, a little shaky, bright eyed with hope that hasn't quite been crushed by the world yet (and probably aided by a few drinks, too).
he was tall—like, tall. imposing, almost, with broad shoulders and long limbs, juxtaposed with a soft, anxious expression. his clothes caught your eye too—black band tee, ripped black jeans, and what looked to be a black leather battle vest covered in patches you couldn't quite make out and studs on every seam. his grey-blue hair fell into his eyes as he adjusted the microphone from where it hit at about chest-height.
your eyes lingered on his hands. they moved from the microphone and found the neck and strings of the guitar like they belonged there; despite his air of nervousness, there was no doubt he knew exactly what to do with the instrument he had.
you cut your eyes at beomgyu, who attempted to make his way towards the stage before nearly faceplanting onto the black tile floors, catching himself on your shoulder and almost pulling you down with him.
"THAT'S my FRIEND! i-i live with that guy, he's my FRIEND—my BRO, guys! you GOT this, kai, you can...do it! m'so proud of you, bro!" beomgyu raised his drink in the air in an unsteady toast—most of the contents sloshing out and onto your clothes in the process—as he leaned against your shoulder. laughter rippled through the audience and you groaned, screwing your eyes shut, head in your hands in embarrassment.
the boy—kai, his name seemed to be, looked similarly embarrassed, ears tinged red and eyes closed. he shook his head, cleared his throat, and began to speak.
"um, hi. i'm hueningkai, or...just—just kai, as my, uh—friend said." he cleared his throat again, taking a shaky breath before continuing. "i'll be playing some music for you guys tonight—mostly original things, but some covers if i hear any good requests, 'kay?" kai gave a small half-smile, fingers finding the frets of the guitar again.
and then he began to play. and you probably had whiplash from how quickly your head snapped up from your hands. the sound that filled the room wasn't a soft cover of some old song—it was loud. it was sharp. the sound of gritty, messy, but intentional and practiced guitar pierced the room, instantly igniting the crowd of people that had gathered around the stage to see this kid play.
"holy shit," you whispered incredulously.
his voice perfectly broke and rasped where the music called for it, gaze shifted from soft to trenchant—all previous nerves seemed to have dissolved. he looked like a different person.
"holy shit," you repeated again to no one in particular. "this guy's a rockstar."
you became suddenly aware that you were no longer being used as an armrest. beomgyu had managed to regain enough composure to stumble his way into the crowd near the front of the stage, cheering and flailing about in what was probably supposed to be dancing.
you were torn between recording him for blackmail purposes later and going to get him before he got sick all over the other guests. finally deciding on the latter, you slid off the stool, a little woozy yourself.
you made it to beomgyu on two feet with no trouble, gently taking him by the shoulders, pulling him back towards the bar.
"come on buddy, you need some water in you, or you're gonna hate yourself tomorrow," you chided as he squirmed away from you.
"noooooo....m'having fun...wanna watch kai," he whined. "that's my—my...my friend...my friend—"
"i know, but i am also your friend, and this friend would rather you not be sick all over these people and the poor staff have to clean it up, you're gonna get us banned from this bar too, come on," you tugged a little harder—goddamn, he was stronger than he looked—sighing in frustration.
in the midst of your battle with beomgyu, your eyes met kai's as he played the final notes of the song. his silvery hair was damp with sweat, sticking to his face and neck which shone with exertion, hands still on the guitar in the position of the final chord. but his eyes. it was his eyes that stopped you.
in them, you saw the thing that you missed from a lot of these dive-bar musicians—from a lot of people in general. granted, covered songs aren't easy to add to, and it's not like it's a concert. but there's no soul in the music. they perform to make money and get out. kai had passion. as cheesy as it sounded, when you looked into his eyes, you knew this was his life, whether he was making money from it or not. the stage was his home, and you knew it.
for a moment, you felt like you couldn't move—paralyzed by this guy with his guitar, his pretty hands and his starry eyes. and then you felt beomgyu lean into your shoulder, head dropping against your shoulder, and the moment was gone.
"i don't...don't feel s'good..." he slurred, his whole body weight against you now. you sighed and propped him up, arm slung around your shoulder as you carried him outside.
"yep, see, i told you. this is why you shoulda listened to me when i told you three drinks ago that you should slow down. alright, let's get you back home, buddy."
you cast one last glance over your shoulder at kai, still panting from exhaustion and exhilaration, eyes still bright with the high of the music. you wondered if he even knew how bright he shone on that stage.
•••
"you did this to yourself, gyu."
"if you...speak again, i'm throw—urgh—i'm throwing up on your shoes next," beomgyu groaned.
thank the powers that be for the invention of the uber. you had both made it back to gyu's apartment in mostly one piece, and beomgyu himself, poor thing, was now curled up on the cold blue tile of the bathroom floor, clutching your hand like it was the only thing tethering him to this mortal plane—which, to him, it probably felt like it was.
you'd been here for about two hours, not wanting to leave beomgyu alone, and honestly not totally reconciled with the idea of getting an uber alone at three in the morning.
you'd asked him where his other housemates were, and through his hiccups, groaning, and gagging, you'd deduced that all of them were out for individual reasons; vacation, out with a friend, with family. you weren't sure which was which, and you decided not to push the subject. you hadn't actually met his housemates before, and this probably wasn't the best first impression.
you leaned your head back against the tiled wall of the bathroom, hand rubbing circles on beomgyu's back. you closed your eyes. your head still swam slightly from the alcohol, even though you had tried not to drink all that much. you looked over pityingly at the long-haired boy beside you, stomach revolting against him. poor thing.
"gyu?"
"ugh..."
"do you want me to get you more water?" you asked softly.
"ugh..."
"i'm assuming that's a yes. okay, i'll be back."
you pushed yourself to your feet, steadying yourself and making your way to the kitchen.
the apartment was small, but cute in a way. cozy. and messy, you noted; even in your altered state, you did double takes at some of the odd sights you saw around the place. why on earth is there a bike in the kitchen? you asked yourself, making a note to ask beomgyu about it at a later date.
as you finished pouring what was probably the sixth glass of water in two hours, you heard the handle of the front door begin to turn.
you spun to face the door in alarm. was someone trying to break in? what on earth could you do in this situation? you can't fight, you can't even walk straight! oh god, someone's gonna come in, rob gyu and his housemates blind, kill you twice—
the door opened and you were met with the same grey-blue hair and soft eyes you had seen on the stage two hours ago. ah, that's right. five people live here.
"oh, um, hi," you mentally smacked yourself in the head at your alarm. of course he lives here, beomgyu said it earlier. of course he's getting home now, it only makes sense. you quickly set the glass of water down and tried to smooth out your most likely unfixable outfit. "hi. i'm beomgyu's friend, i was with him at the bar you played at tonight. he's, uh, he's in there," you motioned toward the bathroom with a grimace. "he's...not doing too great."
hueningkai looked just as surprised to see you, mouth open slightly in shock, shaking his head to bring himself back.
"ah, thank you. he really can't hold his alcohol, can he? sorry about this, by the way, oh god, it's a mess in here—" red crept up his face as he took in the mess of the kitchen. you giggled slightly; maybe it was the alcohol, but you had the passing thought that he's kind of cute like this.
"don't worry about it, i'll be gone tomorrow. hueningkai, right? i watched you play, you're really good," you say.
he averted his eyes, half-smiling, ears still red. "ah, thank you, yes that's me. i appreciate that. and just kai is—is fine," he said, glancing once at you and away again.
you were suddenly extremely aware of how you looked—clothes twisted at odd angles from hours on the floor, hair simultaneously sticking to your face and out in all directions, face colored pink from embarrassment and the aforementioned vodka redbulls.
you quickly began trying to adjust your hair and you opened your mouth to respond, but were cut off from a drawn-out groan from the bathroom, making both you and kai cringe slightly. you sucked a breath in through your teeth.
"yeah, i'm gonna get this water to him before he starts trying to crawl out here after me. nice to meet you, kai," you say, waving slightly and grabbing the glass off the table, walking what you hoped didn't look like too quick a speed back to the bathroom, praying you didn't trip and fall.
•••
you refused the next time beomgyu invited you out, hoping desperately to avoid another tipsy run-in with kai.
realistically, you weren't that drunk, and surely you hadn't looked all that bad—at least not nearly as bad as gyu did. however, in the days since you arrived back to your dorm, you had managed to convince yourself that you could never look hueningkai in the face again, it would simply be too mortifying.
the last days of the summer holiday slipped by quickly, and classes began with much anticipation and even more dread.
the walk to your first lecture felt like miles, stomach twisting with nerves. you'd done this before. it's only lecture. but there's something about the first day of classes, when you don't know if you'll know anyone, looking upon unfamiliar faces and being thrust into an unfamiliar subject with no idea of how a professor will teach or test—it made you nauseous with anxiety every time.
and unfamiliar subject matter it was. advanced music theory and appreciation. you were a senior in college, an english major, and had finished up the majority of the required courses to graduate. all that was left was to fill the spaces with electives and courses that maybe you'd find interesting—or that would at least boost your GPA. that is how you ended up here, with a music theory course.
the idea is that it'll boost my GPA, you thought to yourself as you stepped into the chilly lecture hall. if i understand it at all. it did say advanced. you paused in front of the classroom door for a moment, hands shaking slightly. i did choir in high school, i remember the basics. it can't be that bad.
you pushed the door open, immediately greeted with chatter that surrounded you on all sides. you didn't really think to check how many people were in the class, and felt your heart sink into your stomach as you took in the unprecedented number of students. there had to be at least sixty, if not more.
"oh, no. no, no, no, no," you mumble to yourself, frantically scanning the room for a familiar face. your lungs felt as though they were shrinking with every attempted breath, heart rate picking up, uncomfortable warmth creeping up your face.
sixty-plus people who you didn't know, in a subject you didn't know, in a classroom you weren't familiar with—this was your idea of hell. what if you embarrass yourself? what if you don't make any friends? what if you don't understand the material? what if it tanks your GPA? what if—
a flash of blue-grey caught your eye, your head snapping over to the source. you admittedly felt relief wash over you as you recognized the side profile of hueningkai, staring intently at the notebook in front of him, scribbling down something you couldn't make out. there was one open seat left next to him. your only opportunity.
all previous notions of never looking him in the face again forgotten, you hurried from the door, down to the row where he sat. he didn't even notice you approach, too intent on writing what looked to be sheet music. you cleared your throat.
"this seat taken?" you asked softly.
kai's head jerked up, obviously startled, cheeks and ears tinged a familiar red with surprise.
"oh, hi! uh, no, no it isn't, you're good!" he said, shifting to the right as to give you enough room to put your things down. you smiled gratefully at him, hurrying into the seat, immediately feeling some of your nerves dissipate at being sat down at last.
"i'm glad to see a familiar face. i don't know anyone in here," you gave kind of a half-hearted laugh, hoping he couldn't tell how nervous that fact actually made you.
"i understand. that's the worst feeling. im glad i have a few friends in here—oh, one of my housemates is in here actually. but, he's avoiding me right now, i think."
"oh? where? and, why?"
"two rows up, four to the left. and because i maybe ate the last of his cereal this morning," he added sheepishly, glancing up to where you assumed the housemate in question was sitting.
"oh, criminal offense," you said, following kai's gaze. there was a boy there, glaring back down at him. he had plush lips and an intense gaze; his hair was a dark cherry red, his bangs falling messily into his eyes, still remaining somehow fashionable. you turned back to kai, shaking your head in mock disdain. "truly deplorable."
"yes, yeonjun was not happy with me. i'm surprised i made it out of the house alive and in one piece."
you giggled, watching as the boy—yeonjun, kai had said—stuck his tongue out at kai before returning to scrolling on his phone.
before you could start up another conversation, the professor walked in, and a hush fell over the room. you didn't catch the professor's name. or, for that matter, anything else he introduced in his first lesson.
within fifteen minutes, whatever modicum of confidence you had in understanding the course was completely crushed to nothing. these were words you'd never heard before, symbols you'd never seen—half the time, you could've sworn he was speaking another language. he is, you reminded yourself. a lot of music theory jargon is in italian—that makes me feel a little better.
you stopped processing the words coming out of the professor's mouth about forty-five minutes in. you glanced over at kai, not sure whether you'd be more or less relieved if he looked as lost as you.
he didn't, of course. he was completely attentive, eyes locked onto the board at the front of the room, nodding every once in a while in understanding. he didn't even seem to be taking many notes, though he did scribble a few down.
your eyes trailed down once more to his hands, where they fidgeted with his mechanical pencil. you felt that same feeling you did at 'annex', the same thought crossing your mind as when you saw his hands rest on the guitar—his hands, though nervous, were practiced and knowledgeable. and they really are such pretty hands, you thought.
you only came back to yourself when you heard the sound of chairs scraping and people scurrying, the hum of chatter from before resuming.
"you okay? you look..." kai trailed off, looking for a nice way to finish the sentence.
"like all my hopes and dreams of passing have been crushed to dust and i am now reconsidering all decisions that have led me to this moment?"
"uh, yeah, something like that," he laughed.
"i thought he was speaking another language, i felt so lost."
"to be fair, you're half-right, a lot of musical terms are based in—"
"in italian, i know."
you took a deep breath, putting your head in your hands, fingers tangling in your hair as you shook your head slowly.
"i am so undeniably, irrevocably, unequivocally fucked, hueningkai," you said, your tone so serious it almost made you laugh at yourself.
"come on, don't beat yourself up! i'm sure you'll get it!" he encouraged, tilting his head to the side with a half-smile. "hey, if it makes you feel any better, i felt like i had forgotten twenty-two years of learned comprehension skills in my literature class earlier."
"seriously? i love literature!"
"maybe we can help each other out, then."
you gave him a grin, the warmth of a new friendship alleviating the cold dregs of anxiety that still snaked through your stomach. "yeah, maybe so."
maybe this semester wouldn't be so bad.
•••
it was a grey, chilly october afternoon, the air heavy and damp with the coming storm. you glanced through the library study room window for the first time in hours, startled by the lack of light. you and hueningkai had been hunched over a library table, poring over your respective subjects for—how long had it been? four? maybe five hours now? your head swam with intervals and time signatures, scales and symbols you didn't understand.
"think of it like the math part of music," kai had tried to explain. "adding and subtracting different notes, chords, harmonies, dynamics n'stuff, to create an instrumental!"
you had nodded along, made the appropriate "ohhh"'s and "mhm"'s, but truthfully you were no closer to understanding how it worked than you had been when you started. you leaned back in your chair, sighing and wincing as your spine voicing its dissent at your posture.
your eyes fell on kai who was sat in front of you, eyes focused intently on a copy of 'the metamorphosis' by franz kafka, notebook and papers scattered haphazardly across the table. he didn't look to be in much better shape than you were, his brows furrowed and his hand tangled in his hair in a mix of concentration and frustration.
eventually, with a groan of annoyance, kai rested his head on the table, closing the book in defeat.
"but why is he a bug?"
"it's probably a metaphor."
"for what?"
you paused, thinking carefully. "for a lot of things! it depends on how you look at it," you said eventually, and giggled slightly at the unimpressed look on kai's face.
"well, let's see. what do you know about modernist literature?"
"that it was weird.".
"well, yes," you said in mock exasperation. "but what do you know about it historically?"
he thought for a moment, gears turning in his head as he thought back to the lecture notes he had just gone over. your eyes fell on his hands as they often did now, and you noticed that he seemed to be playing an imaginary piano as he thought, as if playing a melody only he could hear.
"let's see...uh, there was a lot of new stuff happening, like in science and psychology and inventions and whatnot," he began, glancing at you for approval and smiling slightly when you nodded at him to keep going.
"world war one had just happened, so there was a lot of unrest and social disorder, and a lot of anxiety and feelings of...maybe isolation? brought around by that," he said, nodding to himself.
"good, you're right! and what are some characteristics of modernist literature?" you asked, excited to be talking about something you understood for once. l
kai furrowed his brows once more, fingers playing that silent melody on the table again. you wondered if he was always composing, even if it was subconsciously.
"um...human thought? like the human psyche? language? perspective? am i even close to the mark here?" he laughed nervously.
"you are, you're doing great! those are all parts of it. so, in conjunction with the social context you mentioned before, maybe gregor being a bug is commentary on the feelings of isolation, loneliness, and anxiety of people during this time! maybe his dislike for his job and the coldness of his higher-ups and family is indicative of kafka's feelings on corporate bureaucracy and capitalism! maybe it's a metaphor for struggling with a chronic condition like an illness that causes the person to become not-themselves, and the rift that it creates in a family, who knows!
"that's the beauty of modernist literature, it all depends on perspective! instead of falling short because, of course, human language is inadequate at actually conveying things, it relies on that fact—the story is different to everyone!" you said excitedly.
literature and writing had really been the only two subjects that had come naturally to you. even music—which you loved and appreciated for it's artistry—was difficult to you when it came to the theory portion. it wasn't that you weren't good at other things, but you never had to work as hard to understand books. there was something in the analysis of it, picking apart the layers of a novel, building a broader historical and social context through the author's commentary—it was just fun for you.
you felt your face warm slightly as you looked back at kai, suddenly slightly embarrassed of your outburst. his expression was unreadable, somewhere between confusion, interest, epiphany, and something soft that sparkled just behind his eyes. it was similar to the glimmer you had seen in them at his first performance at 'annex' a month ago.
but he cleared his throat and looked back down at his notes, and it was gone.
"yeah, yeah, that, um, that makes sense. i hadn't thought about it that way. you'd make a good teacher," he added.
"i guess it's a good thing that it's what i want to do, then," you giggled.
"you want to teach?" he asked, 'the metamorphosis' now forgotten as he propped his chin up with his hand, leaning forward with interest.
you nodded, "mhm! i—well, i guess it's pretty obvious what i want to teach," you said sheepishly. "what about you? what are you majoring in? are you doing something with music?"
kai's expression hardened, and his hands ceased their playing on the table.
"no, i...i'm just majoring in business. i'm taking this class as an elective for credit hours, like you."
"what? really? but...don't you love music?" you asked, bewildered.
"of course i do, more than anything," he murmured, a wistful look in his eyes. "but it won't go anywhere. it doesn't make enough money, and i just...don't think i'm good enough for it to be a stable career choice, honestly."
you were genuinely floored. kai seemed puzzled at your bewildered expression, snickering a little at your wide eyes and mouth that was slightly ajar. eventually you found words again, shaking your head slightly as you spoke.
"not, not good—are you kidding ?! you don't think you're a good enough musician to have a career in it?!" you couldn't believe it. this boy who you believed to be a true star, who had music in every aspect of his being, didn't believe he was good enough to be a musician.
"well, i mean...no, not really," kai said hesitantly, obviously a little stunned by your reaction.
"sorry, it's just...i can't believe that," you scoffed, shaking your head again. "i can't believe it. you're amazing, i mean truly amazing—with all due respect, the other musicians at 'annex' have nothing on you."
you began to see that familiar tinge of red make its way across kai's face and ears as he smiled shyly.
"thank you, thanks, that—that means a lot, but...i mean, it's just such an oversaturated industry, y'know? everyone wants to make music and get famous. and it just, it sucks, because it's about the money and not the craft. i'm not an elitist or anything, there's a lot of modern music that i love! but it really bothers me to see music that isn't made out of expression or originality, but made for money or fame, y'know?"
you nodded slowly, feeling a pang of sadness for him. you wanted to tell him how good he really was, how the first time you had seen him perform you couldn't take your eyes off of him, how you admired the way his hands looked at home on the frets of a guitar, how he seemed music incarnate to you.
but the words seemed to stick in your throat, and all you could respond with was a choked, "yeah."
the silence that followed was denser than the air outside. you noticed it had finally begun to rain, sunset obscured by dark clouds as it came down in sheets of blue-grey. like kai's hair, you thought, before immediately shooing the idea away. you broke the silence first, standing and stretching your stiff limbs, groaning at the ache of sitting in one place for five hours.
"oh-kay, if we're gonna keep up this studying thing, i've got to get some caffeine in me before i actually fall asleep. are you down for coffee?" you asked, already throwing your binders and papers back into your backpack.
"yeah! yeah, for sure," kai responded, words still slightly stilted from the awkward silence.
you turned towards the door quickly, trying to suppress the thought of how cute he looked when he was embarrassed. you noticed his hands had begun playing again—a different, slower melody.
"wonderful! you're driving."
•••
"what do you mean the heating doesn't work? do you enjoy misery? do you crave death?" your voice came out shaky and uneven, spoken through chattering teeth as you felt the cold rain soak deeper into your clothes. hueningkai looked at you, face a mix of amused and apologetic.
"i told you, we should've gone in your car. here, there's blankets in the back," he reached back behind the passenger seat (putting you in close proximity, which you tried not to think about) and pulled out a fluffy throw blanket, which you gratefully accepted.
"no heating, no cameras, no nothing—dude, how old is this car?"
"well, i've had it since high-school," kai mused, "and it was my dad's before it was mine. it's from 2002, it's not that old!"
"is there even bluetooth in this thing?"
"nope, but there is a cd player!"
"oh god, it's like the fuckin' dark ages," you groaned dramatically, sliding down into the worn leather seat of kai's car. he rolled his eyes at your theatrics, scoffing at you as he pulled out of the library parking lot. you gave him a teasing smile, pointing to the glove box.
"cds are in here?"
he nodded, and you took that as permission to take a look for yourself.
"alright, let's see, what does mr. music theory have to listen to—oh, there's some good stuff in here! alice in chains, metallica, paramore—i love paramore, awesome, awesome...the offspring, so true—wait, holy shit, is this 'selfish machines'? i love pierce the veil!"
"and what do you know about pierce the veil?" kai laughed.
"hey, i thought you weren't an elitist," you teased. "i still like my middle school emo music, thank you very much. but my best friend from high-school loved pierce the veil, even saw them in concert once. this one and 'a flair for the dramatic' were their faves," you explained.
"they have good taste. that's the reissue, i think—the one from 2013?" when you gave a small hum of confirmation, kai continued, "i like that one. it has one of my favorite songs on it."
"oh, the bonus track, you mean? i like that one too—'kissing in cars', right?"
"mhm," he said, smiling as you opened the case and pushed the cd into the drive. the familiar fast drums and the piercing sound of the guitar filled the car, and you sighed, reminiscing on drives like this with your friend—simpler times. you had moved away, and they went to a different college now, but you still talk.
"they just have such a cool sound," kai observed, and you hummed in agreement, smiling slightly still.
"kai, you write your own music and stuff, right?" you inquired, suddenly curious.
"yeah, why?
"what's the hardest part about it, and what do you enjoy the most? composition? lyrics?"
"no one's ever asked me that before." kai looked slightly shocked at the question, but quickly shook his head, turning his eyes back to the road. "i think lyrics are the hardest. building instrumentals and making sure they flow together is fun, but putting lyrics to them isn't always easy. that whole thing about originality and expression applies here too—everything has been said in every way, and it's hard to find a way to express what i'm trying to say in a...i dunno, a meaningful way, an impactful way, y'know?"
"yes, i understand. the ineptitude of human language strikes again," you mused. "just like the modernists said."
kai went quiet, and you could see the gears turning in his head as the understanding dawned on him. "yeah...yeah, yes, exactly!" kai exclaimed excitedly. you smiled fondly.
"see, you got it! but yeah, i'd imagine lyrics are hard. i mean, just writing in general is hard, especially stuff like poetry."
"do you write?"
"mmm, sometimes! less than i used to—mostly just sporadic things typed into my phone at ungodly hours of the night when i just...need to get the feelings out. my poor notes app has seen lifetimes, it's a war zone in there," you laughed.
"makes sense! that's usually when i do my lyrics too, but more often than not, that's when i start producing. it's like as soon as the feeling hits me, the melody...just manifests in my head, and i have make it right then," kai responded eagerly.
you had completely lost track of the time, enraptured by the conversations, barely even registering when you pulled into the parking lot of the coffee shop. as the first notes of the final track on the album began to play, you moved to undo your seatbelt and get out of the car, but kai's hand on your wrist stopped you.
"wait, can we...can we listen to this one first?" he asked, seemingly shocked at his own actions, familiar blush becoming visible once more.
"yeah."
your voice was barely above a whisper, and you almost couldn't tell if you had said the words aloud. all your attention was focused on where kai's hand met yours, sending electricity through your entire body. when his hand finally moved from your wrist, you couldn't ignore the empty disappointment that settled in your chest.
this was the opposite of whatever you had felt in that classroom, or in any bar. it was like the world had disappeared, dissolved by the rain, the only remnants of it the sound of the downpour and the song playing softly from the speakers. as you watched kai as he listened to the music, you thought he looked almost worshipful, eyes closed and lips parted slightly, smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, his hands once again playing invisible keys—in those moments, it truly felt like you were the only two people in the world.
this intimacy, the feeling of being alone with another person, it was almost suffocating—in the best way. like your lungs were full of energy that begged to be released instead of being choked by panic.
and though all you were doing was sitting in a car with a boy you had barely become friends with, listening to an old album on a shitty stereo, as surely thousands had done before you and thousands would after, it felt sacred—like it was an experience only you and kai could share.
the song began to fade out, and kai turned, opening his eyes and holding your gaze. starry, glimmering eyes—they held galaxies, universes. the feeling when you looked into them was a sensation not unlike vertigo; the force of it could've knocked you over had you been standing.
"we're here," kai murmured.
"yeah," you breathed.
"we should...go inside," he whispered again.
"yeah," you echoed, as if it was the only thing you knew how to say. he was the first to break the eye contact, nodding and giving a small smile as he turned off the car and opened the door.
everything rematerialized around you; the cars, the bustle, the people—the moment was over, and suddenly you were once again surrounded by the crushing weight of the world around you.
•••
it was a coincidence that kai happened to be playing at the bar you were going to. or, at least it was enough of a coincidence that you could convince yourself it was just a coincidence.
fall break had finally rolled around, and you had at last gotten into the swing of things, your grades were comfortable, mostly thanks to your study sessions with hueningkai that happened roughly twice a week—which you didn't want to admit were becoming more and more difficult to focus in.
predictably, beomgyu had insisted the two of you go out to celebrate the break.
"but it's for a good reason! to like....celebrate making it this far and stuff!" he whined at you from your doorway.
"don't give me that, you will take any excuse to get wasted, gyu," you answered, sprawled on your bed as you scrolled through your phone.
"that is not true, and i am offended that you would insinuate such a thing. on an unrelated note, pretty please can we go out tonight?"
you scoffed and rolled your eyes at his antics. truth be told, it's not like you were opposed to it—you'd probably appreciate the change in scenery from your less-than-impressive dorm room. you just didn't really want to go to the same three bars with the same six regulars and same four bands that play.
"fine, fine. since you have no other friends to bother, i'll be generous. but i pick the place," you added, ignoring the indignant, "hey!" from beomgyu. you were already scrolling through search results on your phone.
no. no. too small. too fancy. been there. been there. hate that one. you sighed, losing hope that there would be any new sights for you tonight, only shitty LEDS, chipped counters, and traffic lights.
it was then that you saw a new name on the familiar list of bars. 'divine machine', five miles away, in the heart of town.
"hm, that's new," you mumbled to yourself. you clicked through the links provided—the pictures of the inside looked extremely promising, though you didn't want to get your hopes up too much only to be tricked by good camerawork.
one of the links led you to the bar's instagram page. it was new, having just opened about two weeks ago. most of the posts were pictures of the inside, the stage, the bar—it seemed to be a metal or rock concert themed bar, which piqued your interest a lot. one of the posts was in the style of an 80's flyer that you would see advertising a band. 'new talent every night!' it read. 'come to divine machine to see stars be born!'
it was the picture that sold it for you. you'd recognize that piercing gaze and that blue-grey hair anywhere. hueningkai was the cover of the flyer, seemingly mid-performance—hands poised perfectly on the frets, hair tousled, in the throes of whatever song he had been captured performing. trying to ignore the way your heart leaped in your chest, you offered your phone to beomgyu, hopefully looking nonchalant.
"what about this one?" you asked. "it's new."
"ooh, exciting! yeah, sounds good!"
"you don't care where we go as long as there's alcohol, right?"
"i'm going to stop inviting you if you keep being mean to me."
"you'd be going out alone."
"that is irrelevant and untrue."
you found yourself at the entrance of 'divine machine' three hours later, still trying to convince yourself that you were not hoping to see kai perform again. he's just talented, you told yourself. i appreciate good musicianship.
immediately, you were much more impressed with this bar than any of the others. the photos didn't lie—the place was spacious and clean, boasting a large stage near the front of the room, decked out like a rock concert with speakers and microphones and scary-looking instruments, prop black leather jackets hanging off some of the speakers and spotlights of all colors pointed in different directions. posters of bands—some familiar, some obscure, lined the walls, along with a selection of guitars that appeared to have signatures on them. the haze from the smoke machine was tinted blue-purple from the lights overhead—it was well-lit, you had to give them that.
"this is pretty promising," you whispered to beomgyu, who you knew was only half-listening as he read the drinks on the menu.
it was early on in the night—well, as early as early could be for a bar, only about 8:30p.m.—but groups of people were already filtering in and mingling. you felt the familiar grip of anxiety on your chest, subconsciously shrinking back into the bar.
beomgyu noticed immediately, drinks forgotten as he looked at you worriedly.
"hey, if you don't want to do this, we can go home. i know this isn't easy for you," he began, reaching for his bag that he had set on a barstool. you shook your head probably a little too quickly.
"no, i'm—i'm okay," you managed to get out. "sorry. i'll be fine, just takes some getting used to, don't worry."
"don't be sorry! it's okay. the offer still stands, whenever you're ready to go we'll go, okay?" gyu said, taking you by the shoulders. you felt your heart grow warm at your best friend's sincerity.
you had met beomgyu your sophomore year at college, having a statistics class with him and sharing a desk. the trauma of that class had bonded the two of you for life. your friendship had grown closer over the next two years, your juxtaposed dispositions balancing each other out well. and though gyu was a troublemaker and a tease, he was nothing if not caring. he knew when to stop and always knew how to make you feel more comfortable.
"okay. don't worry," you repeated, trying to convince yourself more than anything.
"i'm not worrying. it's you who's—well, look who it is!" beomgyu's gaze moved over your shoulder as he waved excitedly at someone behind you. you didn't have to guess who, smile already pulling at the corners of your mouth, and heart rate picking up as you turned around to see kai approaching the two of you.
he looked similar to the first time you had seen him perform, if not more decked out in his rocker attire. ripped black jeans with chains falling from the belt loops, combat boots, studded bracelets and silver rings, a black muscle tee, and the same leather battle vest that you noticed had more patches added since last time.
honestly, it's a wonder you noticed any details at all; you were mentally cursing yourself as you tried and failed to divert your attention from kai's arms, the conversation him and gyu were having entirely lost upon you. he's stronger than he looks, i suppose, you thought to yourself. i don't think i've ever seen him not in a t-shirt or hoodie.
your half-hearted attempts at convincing yourself that you were staring out of shock, not awe, were cut short by beomgyu shoving your shoulder slightly, snapping you from your thoughts.
"quit spacing out over there, are you even listening?" he asked, rolling his eyes dramatically, earning a snicker from kai. you felt your face flush as you forced your eyes to the floor.
"as i was saying, kai, you should let us visit backstage after your performance! we should get VIP treatment, i did give you my phone charger three days ago," gyu stated matter-of-factly. "and this," he pulled you close to him by the shoulders, "is my plus-one."
"i'll consider it," he laughed.
"don't worry about it if it's too much, you don't have to listen to him, he's dramatic." you cut your eyes at beomgyu at the last comment, and he stuck his tongue out in return.
"no, no, it's fine! i wouldn't mind at all! but, i've gotta run guys, have to go get set up and all," kai said, motioning to the stage and beginning to back towards it.
"don't let us keep you, rockstar. break a leg!" you smiled brightly at kai, who started at the nickname before smiling back, waving and turning towards the stage.
once kai was out of earshot, beomgyu whipped around towards you with a ferocity that made you jump slightly.
"and what the hell was that?!"
"jesus christ, what is wrong with—"
"nono, i asked first."
"i have no idea what you're talking about."
"you gave him a nickname," beomgyu said incredulously. "you don't even call me a nickname."
"and i am not starting now," you said through gritted teeth, blush hopefully hidden by the hazy lighting. "it was a one-time-joke thing, nothing interesting. let's go, we can't get close to the stage if we don't hurry."
and hurry you did, despite beomgyu's teasing, earning yourselves pretty decent spots in the crowd. you sipped water this time, hoping your nerves weren't too visible.
eventually, scattered applause broke you from your conversation with beomgyu, and you turned to see kai walking out on stage.
"hi, guys—i'm kai," kai said. you gave a small cheer, clapping softly. kai gave you a knowing smile before continuing, the sudden confidence flustering you a bit. "i'm going to be playing some music for you guys. i don't have a bunch of original stuff, but i have some pretty great covers lined up, alright?"
scattered cheers resounded throughout the crowd, and kai prepared to play the first song. you recognized the intro immediately, and couldn't help but give an incredulous laugh.
"this is pierce the veil!" you said excitedly to beomgyu.
"huhwhat?" beomgyu asked, attention torn away from the beverage he was nursing.
"he's playing pierce the veil! it's 'the new national anthem', from 'selfish machines'!"
"you like them right? those are the ones you n'your friend like?" beomgyu's voice already slurred slightly, even though he couldn't have had more than two drinks already.
"yeah!" you giggled, cheering for kai as he played. you couldn't help but wonder if he did that because of you.
once again, you found yourself hypnotized by kai's performance. all of his nerves and endearing awkwardness seemed to have dissolved, leaving behind a passionate and practiced musician. you were again struck with just how confident and right he looked on that stage, and felt a wave of sadness remembering your conversation in the library.
you couldn't believe he didn't think he was good enough. you thought he was everything.
after a few more covers and a few originals (your favorite of which you think was called "growing pain"), you found yourself being dragged by a tipsy beomgyu behind the stage and into the dressing room where kai waited.
"bro, that was a-mazing, you're so, jus' so talented," beomgyu declared, throwing his arms around kai who tried fervently to push him off.
"do not touch me, i am so warm, please go away—choi beomgyu, if you get sick on me, so help me god, i will kill you," kai laughed. you shook your head, rolling your eyes and laughing as well.
"have some mercy on him kai, he's a lightweight," you said with a tone of mock pity, which beomgyu stuck his tongue out at.
"m'not a lightweight. i'm fine, i'm literally normal," he began, trying to walk in a straight line to prove his point, only to crash down onto one of the sofas, only causing you and kai to laugh more.
"this is bullying..."
"this is the consequences of your own actions," you corrected.
you and kai sat down on the sofa opposite beomgyu, kai sprawling out with his head tilted back, exhausted. you noted how much more confident he looked, the adrenaline of performing still coursing through him, the stage persona not fully faded away.
"that really was amazing. you played pierce the veil!" you exclaimed.
"yeah, i did! i learned that song ages ago, but i guess i only recently remembered it."
"i was excited! and i liked the originals too, of course—'growing pain', i think you called it, just absolutely fantastic. i loved the whole thing," you gushed, feeling slightly embarrassed at how excited you were.
"i'm glad, i appreciate it. wow, not even a professional and i've already got a fanbase," he teased. you rolled your eyes, punching him in the arm.
"shut up. you have no such thing. i just recognize talent when i see it," you quipped, hoping the sarcasm in your voice hid your shyness.
"whatever you say—but i mean, coming to all my shows, meeting me backstage...from where i stand, you look like a regular groupie." his voice was teasing and bold, more playful—no, flirtatious—than you were used to. it stopped you cold.
not quite cold—you were very warm, actually. you realized with shame how the words had made your stomach flip, your heart stuttering at the tone. heat crept through your face as you attempted to form a response. the words wouldn't come, your eyes blown wide, mouth opening and closing with no sound.
kai seemed stunned by his own words, blush tinting his face too. you held his gaze, unable to look away from his eyes. they were wide with embarrassment, still bright from adrenaline, the embers of that playful boldness still not fully gone out. you saw it again, that soft glow in them, and you wondered what it was he could be thinking about.
"ew, oh my god, get a room," beomgyu whined from where he sprawled dramatically on the couch. the moment was over, the both of you suddenly remembering where you were. you both glared at beomgyu, each grumbling some form of "shut up".
beomgyu held his hands up in mock surrender, slouching back down onto the couch and closing his eyes. you shot a glance at kai, sharing a sly smile with him when he met your gaze.
again, you couldn't shake that feeling when he looked at you—that you were the only two people on earth.
•••
this was the last thing you needed during finals season.
you had wondered how long it was going to take before you cracked under the stress of it all, and that time had finally come, at the worst possible time.
it had been a straight twenty-eight hours of no sleep—twenty-eight head-pounding, jittery, exhausting hours spent poring over books that had stopped looking like words about four hours ago. your laptop's search-engine screen seemed burned into the back of your eyelids, assignments and deadlines swimming before your burning, red-rimmed eyes.
you felt like hell. not just physically, but emotionally too. every time you left your room, you could feel millions of eyes on you, a building, pulsing sense of dread that crawled its way from your stomach to your lungs to your throat, choking even basic conversations to shaky one-word answers.
it was raining again, that december day; the world outside tinted blue and grey with winter. it was like the weather couldn't put forth the effort to be bright either. hueningkai sat across from you, as he always did, once again looking about as disheveled as you. his hair had faded to a dull blue with black roots, much longer than it had been when you had first met him.
you turned your attention back to your own essay assignment, words fading in and out of focus on your laptop screen. essays were usually easy—but having to do four in the span of two days was beginning to take its toll. you heard a sigh from in front of you as kai leaned back in his chair, running his hands through his hair in frustration.
"hmm?" you hummed quizzically.
"i can't even see straight anymore, i'm so tired. i feel like i've been at this one assignment for years," he groaned.
you nodded in agreement, rubbing your own eyes to hopefully clear some of the blur, the throbbing in your head becoming worse by the second. "i feel you."
"i feel like im suffocating in here, don't you feel...choked, in a space like this?"
you hummed again, only half-listening, trying to focus your attention on the assignment at hand and not the knife in your head. you preferred the library to anywhere else, especially now, seeing as being around and talking to people seemed to be getting harder and harder.
"you can go somewhere else if you'd like, if it'll help you study better."
"we could go—"
"i told you already, i cannot go to 'divine machine'. i—i know it's not busy hours, i cannot go, i'm sorry."
kai seemed taken aback by your sharp words. he was right, you were starting to feel choked in the dusty study room, surrounded by the pounding in your head and the awareness of another person's presence.
the shame was upon you all at once, both at having snapped like that, and of having another person see you this way—especially someone you genuinely liked. the fluorescent lights above suddenly became glaringly bright, humming with previously unnoticed electricity. you became aware of your clothes, how they didn't feel clean, how your hair wasn't clean and stuck to your scalp, how your body ached from stagnation, how everything around you suddenly felt wrong—too bright, too close, too loud.
dread is cold. dread is a heavy, oozing thing that sits in your stomach and slowly infects you. panic? panic is hot. you can feel the way the flames of it flare and writhe their way into every part of your body. hands, arms, stomach, chest, throat, eyes, face—all burning with the shame of being perceived. you can feel every nerve ending in your body and everything it is interacting with, all sound drowned out by the blood throbbing in your head.
kai gave a small scoff, shrugging his shoulders and returning his gaze back to his assignment. "yeah, no, it's fine, i get it. people are scary."
and you knew he didn't mean it like that. but that was all it took. you shoved yourself back from the desk, grabbing your things and storming out the door, the only thing on your mind getting somewhere dark and quiet—somewhere with no people. your throat burned and tears dripped down your face, blurring your already-foggy vision. you stumbled towards the library door, finding it harder and harder to breathe. you didn't even hear kai calling after you.
everywhere you looked, everywhere you turned, there were people. people, people everywhere—you couldn't escape them. countless eyes focused on you, more than would even be possible, but you could feel it. the whole world was watching you fall apart, watching you ruin a friendship you tried so hard to build. he can see me, i'm embarrassing myself, was all you could think. he thinks i'm stupid. this is stupid. he thinks i'm embarrassing. this is embarrassing. i'm an embarrassment. why would he ever want me? even if he did, i am scaring him away, i'm too much, i have to leave, i'm too much, i have to get out, it's too much, too much, too—
and suddenly you were outside, the cold december rain sending a shock through your system. you took a deep, ragged inhale, the shock from the cold allowing a moment of clarity. as you slowly staggered to your dorm hall (you had the fleeting thought of how grateful you were to live so close by), the embers of shame still hot within your chest, you thought of kai.
you opened the door to your room. you thought of kai. you gently closed it behind you. no one was home but you. you were completely alone, in a dark and quiet room. you thought of kai. you slid down the back of the door, knees to your chest as the tears came once more. you thought of kai. kai who you desperately wanted to see you in a good light, who you wanted to be different for, who you put yourself out there for, who you had fallen for.
you thought of his hair falling into his eyes as he played guitar, you thought of the way his brows furrowed in concentration, you thought of his loud, goofy laugh, you thought of his hands and their inaudible melodies.
you thought of how sure of himself he had looked on stage at 'divine machine', like he belonged on the stage in front of all those people. you thought of how pathetic you felt, knowing that now he knew. you had tried so hard, but now he knew that you couldn't even handle a library.
when the first knock came at the door, it was so soft that you thought you might've imagined it. you remained slumped against the door, tears gone but eyes still burning. then it came again, more frantic this time.
"hey, are you in there? it—it's me, it's kai." his voice was muffled behind the door, but you could still hear that he sounded shaky and slightly out of breath.
"i'm here."
"can i...come in?"
"no."
"...can i ask why?"
you sniffled, wiping your eyes and trying to smooth down your hair. "i look terrible."
"i mean, if it makes you feel any better, i look like they just dredged me out of the ocean."
you scoffed a little at that, smiling despite yourself.
"i'm sorry for what i said. i didn't mean it that way, but i still shouldn't have said it. it's not fair to you," kai said after a beat of silence.
"no, no, i get it. i know you didn't mean it, i'm sorry for freaking out, i should've reacted better, i'm just—i am really, really stressed, and it, like, all crashed down on me at once, a-and—"
"it's okay. you don't have to be sorry, i'm not upset at you or anything—you can't help it."
"i just...i feel like i should be able to help it, y'know? i've lived with it for this long, i should be able to cope with this stuff." your voice shook with frustration, new tears threatening to fall.
"i understand. i really do, i know it doesn't," there was a pause like he was reconsidering, and you had the mental image of him dragging a hand through his hair. "it doesn't seem like i do. but...whenever i perform, like onstage—the minute and a half before i begin to play is the scariest moment. i can feel everyone's eyes on me, the weight of their expectations is so...so overwhelming, it gets hard to breathe. for that minute and a half, every bad thing i've ever believed about myself becomes true, and it feels like everyone can see it," kai's voice shook slightly with the confession, and you wondered if this is the first time he's ever told anyone this. "no matter how many times i perform, that initial fear will always be there."
"you seem so sure of yourself up there. when you begin to play, i mean. it's like you were...made to perform, or something," you murmured, half-hoping he didn't hear you.
"it's all practice. and it's because i love it. it's like you, when you explain literature or writing stuff—it's like the nerves melt away. the joy comes back, y'know? the thing you're doing it for, it overrides the fear. it doesn't mean the fear isn't still there, but it isn't as overpowering."
there was a silence again, longer this time.
"i wanted to write. did i ever tell you that?" you began. "i want to teach, sure—i mean, i love explaining things, but truly what i always wanted to do was write. but i couldn't get over the fear. i could not stand the idea of people...thinking about me. perceiving me in a way i couldn't control, i guess? it used to keep me up at night, honestly. at least in a classroom, i know what i'm doing is for the greater good—whether the students like me or not. but writing? i guess i just—"
"don't feel like you're good enough, so you chose the safer option?"
the silence that followed spoke volumes—lifetimes of dreams crushed by the realities of life and survival.
"can you please let me in? please?" it was spoken so softly, but the gentleness with which it was said nearly brought you to tears again. slowly, you pushed yourself from the floor.
you met his eyes as the door swung open—wide and glimmering as they always were, and he looked as though he had been crying as well. there were a few seconds of tense silence, and the world seemed to stop and hold its breath. kai's mouth was open slightly, like he was trying to find words to say. you broke the silence first, your eyes remaining locked on his.
"i'm sorry to make you come all this way in the rain, you really didn't—"
before you could finish your sentence, kai was through the doorway, wrapping you in his arms tightly. you froze, unsure of how to react.
the feeling was there again, the same as it was in the car back in october—there with him, you were the only two people on earth. you slowly relaxed, reaching your arms around to hug him back, burying your face into his shoulder. he's so tall, you thought.
"thank you," you whispered. kai just nodded in affirmation, fingers unconsciously grazing up and down your back soothingly. you had the fleeting thought that it was like he was playing guitar.
"you're really cold. and wet," you whispered again. you felt his soft laughter reverberate through him, making you smile into the crook of his neck.
"that's on you for making me trek all this way, in the rain, in december."
"you didn't have to follow me, you cannot put that on me."
"and what was i gonna do, just leave you?"
you went quiet at that, realizing that's exactly what you expected him to do. that's what you'd expected of everyone your whole life. you truly felt as though if you didn't constantly have it under control, people would see you and know. you weren't quite sure what they would know, but they would know, and they would see you differently forever. you didn't respond, only held kai a little tighter.
"it's really dark in here. cold too. do...you maybe want to go back to my place and get warm?" kai's voice was hesitant, like the gravity of the words hindered them from being spoken.
after what felt like an eternal silence, you nodded slowly.
"yeah."
•••
it was exactly what you thought it would look like.
posters and pictures lined the walls of hueningkai's room, pops of sharp color and vivacity along an almost-black navy blue wall. you felt a smile forming on your face at the plushies—honestly an unprecedented amount of them. the room was was a bit smaller than you had expected, but cozy in a way. the curtains had been pulled back and the blinds open to let in as much natural light as possible—which wasn't a lot at the moment because of the rain.
it was kind of messy, like the rest of the apartment—a fact you only remembered when upon arrival, you were met with the same bike in the kitchen you had seen four months ago. papers that looked to be sheet music were scattered across his desk and bed, some printed, some seemingly hand drawn staffs and notes. kai turned pink at this, immediately attempting to collect and reorganize, muttering apologies all the while.
what really interested you were the instruments. you noticed the guitar immediately, a sight familiar from watching kai's performances. he also, you noticed, had a bass guitar, a computer set up with a mic—and all the way in the corner, a keyboard. you almost laughed aloud.
"what is it?" kai asked.
"nothing, nothing, i just...i dunno, i knew you played piano. i just knew it," you chuckled.
"and how could you have known that?"
"maybe i'm psychic."
"or something like that."
you picked up one of the closest plushies to you and threw it at kai's head.
"okay, ouch. i chase after you in the rain, take you back to my apartment, offer you shelter, and this is the thanks i get?"
"will you just go shower—before i throw another one at you," you threatened, giggling. kai rolled his eyes at you once more before ducking into the hall. you settled down on the floor, not wanting to mess up the bed; you were still slightly damp from the storm outside. you leaned against a bedpost, taking in everything around you. it was so...him. it was slightly messy, but warm, cozy—with vibrant bursts of life.
you noticed kai had dropped one of the music sheets in his fervor to clean them. so—glancing at the closed door—you began to read it.
from what you could tell, this part was written for a guitar—which, you felt as though you should've gotten an award for understanding anything about it at all, all that studying did something. you were impressed with kai's dedication; he had drawn everything out himself, including the staffs and markings.
as you were poring over this paper, trying to mentally sound out what the song sounded like, you heard the doorknob turn. you quickly shoved the paper off to the side, trying to look as nonchalant as possible.
"your turn," kai called, slicking his wet hair out of his face.
"mhm," you replied, trying not to stare as you grabbed the clothes you brought from your dorm and headed for the bathroom.
•••
you left the shower feeling lighter than before, the world seeming less horrible when you were clean and warm. you took a deep breath in, and felt your heart skip as you realized that you smelled like kai. you had brought clothes, but not your shower things, so you had to settle for his.
as you approached kai's bedroom door, you stopped just before turning the handle. you could hear noise from inside, something that sounded like a guitar.
you knew you probably shouldn't eavesdrop. you knew music was very important to kai, so listening to him compose and practice felt...invasive?
the song was familiar, and after a few moments you realized that it was the song from the paper you had found. you felt a fleeting burst of pride that what you had sounded out in your head hadn't been too obscenely far off, but that was quickly forgotten.
it was a beautiful song, even though you could only hear one instrument's part. it was slower than the other things you had heard him perform. if you strained, you could hear kai humming the beginnings of a melody over his playing—and every once in a while, it would stop, the sound of pencil scratching paper and kai talking to himself replacing it.
eventually, the guilt of eavesdropping won, and you knocked on the door to announce your presence.
"feel any better?" kai asked, moving the guitar and music off of the bed.
"much. the world doesn't suck as bad when you're clean and warm. i'm just very—" your sentence was broken by a yawn,"—sorry, very tired," you finished.
"well, rest here. you're welcome to take a nap," kai said, half-smiling.
you gave him a sleepy, half-lidded smile as you sat down beside him. "i heard you playing when i got out," you confessed eventually.
kai laughed and shook his head, embarrassed.
"ah, i see. hopefully i didn't sound too crazy, i tend to talk to myself."
"only a little crazy," you giggled. a hush fell over the room, the only sound the muffled tapping of the rain on the roof. eventually, you asked in a quiet voice: "what's the one you were playing? what's it called?"
kai looked slightly wary—this was obviously something he didn't talk with a lot of people about. you supposed people are difficult, no matter who you are.
"if you don't want to tell me, then that's okay too—"
"no, no, i was just stunned," kai answered quickly. "it's called 'dreamer'."
"when'd you write it? and...why, if you don't mind me asking?" at that, kai's expression turned a bit more solemn.
"i wrote it in november, when i had an argument with someone in family over wanting to do music as a job. she said it was stupid, pointless—it's not a real job, that i couldn't make anything or go anywhere from it," he said, brows furrowed in distaste at the memory. "this one feels like...i dunno, being trapped between being a kid and an adult—being expected to make something of yourself but wanting to preserve the dreams you had for your life."
you nodded along slowly, knowing the feeling all too well. you'd been told the same thing all your life—that writing would never get anywhere, that it wasn't a stable career, that you couldn't handle it. eventually, you began to believe it.
"will you play it for me?" it was out of your mouth before you could think about it, the sound barely louder than the rain outside. "only if you want to," you added quickly.
kai looked at you, expression a mix of nervous and content, and gave u a small nod and a half-smile before picking up his guitar.
you closed your eyes as he began to play. the world outside was nothing but distant memory, the only things real to you right now were the smell of kai's room, the rain on the windows, and the sound of guitar that floated throughout the room.
kai hummed that melody over his playing again, more confidently this time. you swayed, exhaustion hitting you like a wave as you relaxed for the first time in probably a month. you breathed out a sigh of content, resting against kai's shoulder.
all at once the playing stopped. after a few moments, you opened your eyes and turned to see kai, hands still positioned on the guitar frets, but music long forgotten as your eyes met his. you saw it again, the glimmer in them. you wanted nothing more than to fall into them, fall through their shifting hues and constellations forever.
the silence was tense, all noise drowned out by your own heartbeat as you held kai's gaze. slowly, cautiously, kai closed the space between the two of you, softly brushing his lips to yours before pulling away a bit and locking eyes with you again.
"was that okay?"
"yeah."
"...can i—"
"yeah, yeah."
you closed the gap this time, four and a half months of built-up tension suddenly released as you kissed him, hands slowly sliding up his shoulders to pull him closer to you. kai sighed shakily into the kiss in something almost like relief, one arm wrapping around your waist and the other hand resting lightly on the back of your head—like he was asking for permission to bring you closer still.
memories of the last four months—the first time you saw him play, whispering in classrooms, days spent in the library, nights spent looking up at him admiringly from below a stage, they all swam in your head.
for the first time, kai's hands were inexperienced and hesitant, unsure of where to go and what to do. pulling away from the kiss slightly, you rested your hands on top of his—moving the fingers of one to slide up into your hair, and moving the other to rest between your shoulder blades, where you began to feel the familiar rhythm of his fingers playing their inaudible melodies—slower this time, almost soothingly as your lips met his once more.
you couldn't think of anything else but him—he was all you could see, could hear, could smell; fragments of poems wrote themselves and dissolved as at last the two of you pulled away, the only sound your shaky breathing. you rested your forehead against his, eyes closed, slight smile on your face, and you had the notion that you could've written novels, volumes—all the beautiful prose in the world could not have described the way you felt at that moment with him.
•••
you were grateful for the reprieve from the the scorching may heat as you ducked into the cool, dark building. even though the sun was setting, it was still uncomfortably warm, humidity that spoke of rain to come making the air sticky and heavy.
you smiled slightly at the crowd that had gathered, though the show was still fifteen minutes from starting. kai had garnered a lot of fans in the last few months, and you felt your heart swell with pride at your boyfriend's success.
for the first time in—well, maybe ever, you were at 'divine machine' alone. beomgyu had other plans tonight, and usually that meant a night in for you—but you really wanted to see kai's performance.
you knew the fear was still there. it ebbed and flowed, crescendoed and subsided in your head. you admit it had improved, but you knew it would always be there. it not controlling you was enough, and you took an ironic kind of comfort in knowing that you weren't ever alone, and that you had people to help you—that not everyone was against you.
the lights began to dim, and scattered cheers rippled throughout the audience, growing louder as you saw kai walk on stage and wave at the audience. you couldn't help the smile that spread across your face.
he'd changed a good bit in the months since you'd met him. his once blue-grey hair was now jet black, and had grown out to his shoulders. half of it was thrown haphazardly in a bun, and his bangs fell into his eyes as he adjusted the mic stand. you noted he didn't have to do it as much anymore—being a regular performer does have its perks.
kai was broader, and somehow looked even taller. you imagined it was the confidence he had built over months of performing. he gave his familiar half-smile at the audience, and you could've fallen in love all over again.
"hi, guys! if you don't know me already, i'm kai. i'm gonna be playing some music for you guys tonight, alright?" as he spoke, he plugged the amp into his guitar, the feedback crackling through the room. "it's mostly originals, but there'll be some covers thrown in too."
you could never get tired of watching kai play. the way he put every fiber of his being into the music—he became it. your eyes settled again on his hands, somehow more confident and at home than they had ever looked. his voice carried through the room, filled it, leaving no space for the troubles or tribulations of whatever was outside the double doors.
you had begun to memorize his setlists, but sometimes he surprised you. after his usual four original songs, kai pulled a chair to the front of the stage, lowering the mic stand and sitting down. he made eye contact with you from across the stage, and you furrowed your brows questioningly. he just winked, gave you a small grin, and began to talk into the mic.
"i've only got two songs left, an original and a cover. this one is called 'dreamer', and i'd be remiss if i didn't give credit where it's due. this song and its lyrics wouldn't exist without someone very important to me, and i want them to know that i wouldn't be here performing if they had not given me the inspiration to." kai gazed at you lovingly from where he sat, and tears sprung to your eyes at the confession.
"the next is not as well-known. i haven't played it before, but i couldn't do 'dreamer' and not play this one, too. it's called 'kissing in cars', by pierce the veil."
you thought back to the memories made over the last nine months as he began to play. from meeting him, to building a friendship, to falling in love, you looked on every moment—even the bad ones—with fondness and gratitude. the two of you had written 'dreamer' together a month after you had gotten together. it started as you bursting into his apartment as soon as it was daylight, having not slept. the beginnings of the lyrics had come to you in the middle of the night, pulling you out of sleep and demanding to be written down. over the course of two weeks, you had helped him create the song in its entirety. you had seen him play it before, but it still brought you close to tears every time.
as 'dreamer' ended and hueningkai began to play the first notes of 'kissing in cars', it hit you just how lucky you were. it wasn't quite luck—or gratitude, or joy, or sadness, or even just love. you couldn't describe the emotion that now overwhelmed you. it coursed through you, the crowd around you melting away. the only thing you could think about was kai. words came together and broke apart, fragments of lyrics and poems born and destroyed as you searched for a way to describe what you were feeling.
you couldn't. as kai moved into the final chorus, just like back in december, you realized that you couldn't describe it. so many have tried, in so many ways, and you knew it would never be enough. you smiled as the song ended, tears slipping from your eyes as you cheered, trying to express this wonderful, exhilarating, indescribable feeling. you knew there were no words, no music, no art, nothing that could capture what you felt at that moment.
and maybe that is what made it so beautiful.
#txt#tomorrow x together#kpop#fanfic#kpop fanfic#x reader#soobin#beomgyu#taehyun#yeonjun#hueningkai#hueningkai x reader#first fanfic#fluff#kai txt#huening txt#tomorrow by together fanfic#txt fanfic
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Alright, normally I don't talk about drama but at this point, I'm pretty tired of it, so I'll just get this off my mind, because it's not like I'll change anything, but YALL ARE BEING SO FUCKING WEIRD WITH THIS LANDO AND MAGUI BULLSHIT.
I've never looked into it, but I'm just trying to scroll on tiktok or instagram and every few weeks I just get like 10 posts like "oh, Lando is in *place*, guess who else is there?", or I'll get a random clip of Lando in public that seems perfectly normal, oppen the comments, and everyone is saying that he's carrying her phone or something.
I can not understand why people care so much, it's not confirmed weather they are dating or not, it's literally just fans making speculations that have gone so far there are literal people who think they are in a public relationship because of so many people posting them and saying that they are 100% dating. If you want to speculate, do whatever you want, I can't stop you, but please just stop spreading misinformation.
I don't know what they are doing, and I don't care, I'm just minding my own business and you should too, whatever they're doing just let them live their lives and be happy for them or fucking explode with jealousy or whatever the fuck quietly, because I'm sick of my recommended/home/for you pages just being flodded with this bullshit.
If you want to know what I think about them, tho: from what I've seen it seems like he doesn't even interact with her but she just keeps trying to chase after him, I saw on tiktok a few months ago that she posted a picture of her infront of his apparent building or something and dating or not, I think that's freakish behaviour, and I really think she should delete that if she hasn't already, atleast for his privacy if not her decency because that is making her look like a hella obsessed fangirl. Obviously, I didn't randomly start thinking and ranting about this, so I'll tell you that what made me do this if a reel that popped up in my instagram feed from a f1 gossip accont of them being spotted togeder at a new years party in Dubai. That clip is gross to me, because you can see him ducking away from the camera and it was even mentioned in the caption, and people in the comments were laughing because "oh, he's so ashamed to be with her" or that they were holding hands (to me, that just looks like he was holding her shoulder, some people also said that she grabbed his hand when he pulled it back but I didn't see that)
Honestly, whatever, if they're dting, good for them, if not, also good for them, people alredy ruined Landos last realtionship so I completely understand him wanting to keep this secret if they are, even tho she keep hinting at it, but maybe she's just an obsessed friend, who the fuck knows?
I also won't post that clip, because I can't download it and sharing the link could show my account, so I just won't do that, which is probably for the better, we should just respect his privacy, because none of us would like being recorded 24/7 and posted online, even if that is part of his job, just let him live his life off the track.
This might be full of typos, I literally can not be bothered to read through this and check so whatever, feel free to rant about this in my comments, reblogs, or my ask box, just don't go in my dms, I'm here to speak my mind, not argue.
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PLEASE talk as much as you want about final fantasy. Since I already have 3 FF questions, I'll let you choose whatever you want to talk about most
1. I wanna hear what you don't like about XV and XVI (I only know the story of XVI and yeah it has. issues)
2. What do you think about the older 2D FFs?
3. I know there's an insane amount of spinoffs and side stories, so of them all, what do you think is a must-play for someone like me who wants to get more into the series? (I've only played most of tactics, and FF I Advance of all things)
oh goodness well, this probably won't be popular but since you asked... (under a read more because it's fucking long)
1.) as reductively as possible: too much of a focus on men. deeply misogynistic games. it feels like they're a response to the misogynistic backlash to ffxiii. yes ffxiii had plenty of problems but given the culture at the time (which obviously hasn't gotten much better) it kinda felt like a lot of people rejected it as soon as they saw a woman as the protag. the craziest part is she's basically just cloud post transition but mysteriously people think all those traits on a woman are irritating or cringe.
anyway, this is obviously just my own personal feeling but it feels like they went the opposite direction and decided there should be less women going forward. ffxiv is infamous for killing every important female character and ffxv is just a yaoi road trip with minimal female involvement. you'd certainly think there were no women in the game based on the fan art and, unsurprisingly, people loved that. i mean consider the reaction to ffx-2 vs. ffxv. they're both obviously very different games in a lot of ways but one of them is about boys going on an adventure together and the other is about girls doing the same. one of them is considered embarrassing and got tons of backlash from fans contemporarily for being too girly and the other was a huge hit with fans and loved even with its flaws. it's worth noting ffxv was also originally a ffxiii spinoff that became it's own thing so. that's also information.
ffxvi is even more egregious in some ways but ill admit a lot of those are mostly personal. it's fucking ugly and dull and i would not know it's a final fantasy game if it weren't for the ill fitting chocobos in some trailers. i know it's ironic for me to say that considering i praised ffix for looking unlike any other ff game but they went in the wrong direction. it's clearly inspired by prestige western fantasy slop like GoT and the witcher and unfortunately those are the exact things i do not want in fantasy. some people like that and that's fine but it's clearly not for me.
anyway, iirc the writers from ffxiv worked on this and from what ive seen it shows in the worst ways. these are the writers who couldn't introduce a woman without killing her off so already off to a bad start but. it's punching above its weight class. it's trying so hard to be a epic grizzly dark fantasy but it just falls so flat. they say fuck all the time in the same way that one dmc game everyone hated did. im sure there's some amount of nuance that gets lost in translation but the only woman in the amount of the game i saw was, quite literally, an evil screeching harpy manipulator. which is not like, something im against obviously as a lover of women but for that to be the only woman in the first like. 10+ hours of the game? come the fuck on. maybe it gets better i honestly don't know. and i don't think i ever will because what i saw of that game was so immensely disappointing that im not sure ill ever bother.
i have plenty more i could say about both games but ive said soooo much already and honestly i can't imagine the misogyny website would particularly enjoy even more of my "misandry" lmfao. in short:
2.) i really enjoy the older 2D final fantasies but ive only really played a chunk of ffvi and the original ff. some day ill definitely give them a go! i feel like the ff fan equivalent of a zoomer for loving almost everything from ffvi onwards and not having much to say about the older ones but. the biggest barrier for me is the same one i have with the older dragon quests. they're not particularly hard or anything but they expect you to grind. a whole lot. if i was a kid and my only game was ffiii id be on that grind but it's a bit harder as an adult who can like. just do anything else. i even like grinding and getting into that flow state but i haven't been as much in the mood for it these days, or if i have it's been for different games. ill definitely get around to them eventually though. young immortal mindset as ive said before. watching my gf try and play through them did sort of make me want to give it a spin even with her furping.
3.) honestly you're already off to a good start! tactics is well beloved for a reason and it's probably the most recommended spinoff. id also highly recommend tactics advance. it's not as like, dark and serious as tactics but the style and gameplay and story are all executed nearly flawlessly. it's a favourite of our beloved princess nettlebloom and that's reason enough! definitely finish tactics first though. hmm... if you play ffxii and also enjoyed tactics advance then give FFXII: revenant wings a try! it's a weird RTS type game but it's in the style of tactics advance and very cute. definitely not for everyone though.
it's really far from essential but if you can somehow manage to organise enough people for it i highly recommend giving crystal chronicles a try. it's really fun with other people and it's close to ffix stylistically so im a big fan. maybe try dissidia if you want a silly fighting game? kebs seemed to enjoy stranger of paradise quite a bit and it seems like mindless action game fun so maybe give that a look if it interests you. honestly the spin-offs cover such a wide range of genre and quality that it's almost hard to have cohesive opinions on them lol. but i hope that helps in any way!
thank you for asking though and sorry for the wall of text! i genuinely suck at being concise and getting my points across but hopefully you could decode some of this madness lol
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@gloriousburden I believe that the runt aspect is inconsequential to MCU Loki's identity crisis as a whole. Not because it doesn't matter but because it's such a tiny (no pun intended) aspect of the larger issue, which is that he is biologically jötunn.
The way I see it is this:
Loki's most significant issue is that he is jötunn. This is revealed to him at a time in his life when he hasn't been given much chance to reflect on this issue for too long. He's been handed the throne to Asgard and has to keep his brother out of Asgard while dealing with the Warriors Three/Sif going behind his back before finally trying to kill himself. In this time, he regurgitates everything that he learnt growing up culturally Asgardian, that he is a monster because he is jötunn. He is the thing that he grew up fearing, the thing his brother wanted to slaughter. Being a runt is hardly an issue. It would also recontextualise his entire fucking life and probably make him realise why he may seem so other when compared to everyone else. Because Loki didn't fit in before the truth was revealed. MCU Loki does not appear to have friends; he is isolated, and that further deepens the trauma he feels later on.
Loki is then forced to endure Thanos' torture (and yes, I believe he was tortured) and the continued persistent influence of the mind stone trying to fuel his rage towards his brother. I doubt Loki had time to reflect on his being jötunn here, but if he did, I am confident that whatever feelings he had, the mind stone happily turned it into something dark and self-sabotaging.
I genuinely do not believe that MCU Loki gives two tin shits about being a runt. It's just a small piece of the larger problem. In the MCU, he never had a chance to explore what it might mean to be a jötunn (or his gender, sexuality or extensive magical abilities). Nobody addresses it, nobody speaks about it, and nobody tries to reach out and ask Loki if he needs a shoulder to lean on. So I reiterate, I don't think the runt aspect of his jötunn biology is his major or any issue. The simple reason is that I think MCU desperately wants to be Asgardian or at least blend in with other Asgardians, so to him, being a runt is actually beneficial.
There is also What If? Loki, to me, tells us that Loki, raised in Jötunnheim, has the possibility of growing to an average height/size. I don't say it's 100% confirmed because there are comic book versions of Loki raised on Jötunnheim, where he remains a runt. (Mind you, What If Baby Loki doesn't appear to be a runt, but sizes are not consistent in the MCU)
So, someone could argue that Loki, a runt, was never given the opportunity to thrive. Odin, through sheer ignorance, took a tiny baby (if I recall correctly, it is only Odin who mentions that Loki was small; Laufey just called Loki a bastard) back home with him as a trophy/baby for Frigga.
If he had been left on Jötunnheim, perhaps Loki could have thrived in his natural habit. Whether it was lack of nutrition or something to do with the environment, Loki was never granted the chance to at least attempt to grow into his jötunn form.
TL;DR - No, I do not think Loki gives a shit about being a runt.
Obvious feelings about being Jotun aside.. how do you think Loki specifically feels about the fact he is a runt? He’s probably used to being taller than most (though, Thor is still an inch taller. That guy just has to be better than him at everything, even by an inch…), so the fact that he is technically a runt (despite being considered tall) must be so weird for him.
Knowing that when Loki was told that he’s Jotun, it fucked with every aspect of how he views himself, and made him hyper conscious of EVERYTHING about his own body… Maybe one of those things being that he doesn’t feel so tall anymore. Maybe he takes it personally when someone is taller than him. Short man syndrome, but he’s 6'2 so it’s like really weird.. he’s meant to be like 9 feet tall (don’t quote me on that. I forgot the exact height of frost giants) 😞
Maybe he demands humanity to kneel to him in The Avengers not because he’s a god and humans are pathetic af and he’s their new ruler, but so he can feel like he’s 9 feet above them… ‘Ehehehe, so this is what it feels like..’ But he’d never tell anyone that… (Joke) maybe he now only befriends short peopl, because he needs a constant reminder that he’s tall as well as others he can project his insecurities onto.. (another joke)
Jk the short man syndrome thing was a joke too, but it’s interesting to think about..
On an actual serious note, I do wonder how the runt aspect specifically affected him. It’s all fucked up already, but on top of that, he was left to die because he was a runt. 😞 he was looked down upon as soon as he entered the world!! Not a single moment of happiness in his life. The whole thing probably (definitely) messes with his head quite a bit.
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omg first kiss with mermaid natalie!! she’s such a cutie and wouldn’t expect it at all- doesn’t really know what to do right away but very soon eases into it
it happens on your first date when she makes all the other mermaid yjs exit the cove so she can have alone time with you, they tease her about it so much but nat is so sassy and probably pulls a prank on them too hehe
and imagine someone walking (swimming?) in, you get soso flustered and she finds it adorable
having the ‘how many other humans have you kissed in here huh?’ teasing conversation with her and she totally says something like hundreds or whatever (it was none lmaoo)
her tail flapping around when you suddenly kiss her UGHHH. or even better, accidentally falling into the water with her because she's taken by surprise 😭 she lets out a cute little squeak and blushes SOOOO hard.
maybe putting down a blanket so she can lay on her side with her tail out :( showing her all the stuff you got like this mermaid pendant you thrifted or the cupcakes you baked her!! (she's been wanting to try them ever since you explained them to her). which leads to your first kiss? she has some cupcake on her lip and it's distracting you like crazy so why not just kiss it off? you were going to kiss her for the first time before you left here today anyway, so why not have it be now? perfect opportunity!
she feels her whole body seize up as you plant your lips on hers, and she's reminded that she does NOT know how to do any of this as she stays completely still. she's trying to follow your lead so she doesn't look completely lost, and soon gets into a nice rhythm. nat who has those typical sharp mermaid nails and accidentally scratches you with them when she tries to pull you in deeper cuz she's getting desperate :3 maybe that's when tai swims in (she was dared to by van) and catches you on top of nat which then causes to push you off and you just end up tumbling into the water with her 😭
"How many other humans have you kissed in here then?" you tease, giving Nat a shit-eating grin. "Oh, fsshh," Nat waves her hand around. "Hundreds maybe. Yeah, I was a bit of a player before I met you." "Oh yeah? That explains your great kissing skills." You giggle as Nat splashes water on your face and your grin grows wider. There's a dark red blush growing on her neck and you find it cute. "Don't worry, you can always practice more with me." "Shut up," Nat mumbles, feeling embarrassed. She dips her head low as you swim closer to her until she can feel your breath hit her lips. She can see you tilt your head, trying to get her to look up at you. "You should stay here. At least until you dry off. I can use my powers to dry you off quicker if you want." "No, I wanna stay longer."
#mermaid nat#natalie scatorccio thoughts 💭#anon#natalie scatorccio x you#natalie scatorccio x reader
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sᴛɪᴄᴋᴡɪᴛᴜ- ᴛ ʜ ɪ ʀ ᴛ ʏ ɴ ɪ ɴ ᴇ
m a s t e r l i s t
ᴛ ʜ ɪ ʀ ᴛ ʏ ɴ ɪ ɴ ᴇ
The last few months have been crazy. I'm currently stood in the kitchen of Lando's Monaco apartment waiting for him to get home from China after the first two races of the season, both of which have ended in him on the podium giving him a better start to the season than last year.
Since Lando gave me a key to his place I've found myself spending more and more time here. I only really go back to England to see family and friends if Lando's going to be away for a few weeks or if I have to be in the office for whatever reason. I've found myself wanting to be here in Monaco waiting for him when he gets back from races, I don't want him to come back to an empty apartment.
Knowing the state Lando would get himself into last year I like to be here for him whenever he might need me. I've learned over time to read his behaviour and have an idea of what to expect after each session on the sim or in the car. It's crazy to think this time last year I never would have imagined I'd be stood here practically living in Monaco with a boyfriend who means everything to me.
"Hi baby" hearing Lando walk through the door I take one look at him and can tell he's exhausted.
"Hey. How you feeling?"
"Good but ready to sleep" Lando says pulling me into his arms. It's so nice to have the familiar feeling of being in his arms back after a long two long weeks without him. The time difference has made it harder to speak to each other but we've made it work "I missed you"
"I missed you too. It's been quiet without you. Why don't you go and chill, I'll make us something to eat"
"Thank you. You're the best baby" as Lando pulls away he kisses the top of my head and I leave him to do what he needs to while I throw together a quick spaghetti carbonara. He's probably too exhausted to eat but at least it's there when he wants it "baby have you seen this new trend of me on TikTok?"
"You need to be more specific Lando. There's a lot of things going around TikTok of you" I say sticking my head in the living room to see what Lando is talking about.
"There's pictures of me and all it says is 'five minutes and a hair tie' they're all good photos of me to be fair" rolling my eyes I lean over the back of the sofa so I can look over Lando's shoulder at the videos he's talking about.
"They're all amateurs. I don't need five minutes or a hair bobble when I've got your hands pulling my hair into a ponytail"
"Fucking hell Lu you can't say stuff like that after two weeks without you"
"I'm just saying babe. Your girlfriend knows what's she doing. I won't be too much longer, this carbonara won't cook itself" standing up I walk back into the kitchen leaving Lando to ponder over what I've said.
"I just couldn't stay away after what you said" feeling Lando behind me within minutes of me leaving him in the living room he steps closer, his hands landing on my hips, pulling me against him.
His lips hover over my neck, teasing but not quite touching. Each time he exhales on it sends shivers down my spine. His hand slowly slides up my back, his fingers grazing my skin, making my whole body tingle, I can't help but let out a low groan.
Lando's grip tightens as he turns me around in his arms, his lips crashing against mine, the tension of the moment releasing all at once cementing just how much I've missed his physical touch over the last two weeks. Our kiss is urgent, we're like starved animals.
The feeling of being back together has awakened something new in him. I tangle my fingers in Lando's curls as my back hits the edge of the kitchen bench, I am physically aching for any kind of touch.
"You drive me insane Lucía" His voice is low as he pulls back, watching my every move his eyes darken with lust.
"So do what you want with me. I'm yours Lando"
As the words leave my lips, Lando's hands slip under his hoodie that I'm wearing, his rough fingertips sending a waves of heat across my skin. My body responds on its own accord, as I find myself turned in Lando's arms and my body bent over onto the kitchen bench.
Every kiss, every touch, the anticipation of Lando's next move makes my body ache with need as I feel my clothes being removed from my body. His lips move down my neck and across my shoulder, while his hands roam along my thighs.
I can't see what Lando is doing but I can tell he's fumbling with his joggers to get them off and eventually he does. I bite my lip as I feel my underwear being moved to one side giving Lando access to exactly where I want him.
"I need you badly Lucía. You're absolutely perfect" leaning into Lando's body I feel how hard he is against my wetness "you're so wet baby. Just for me. Is this how much you missed me?"
"Lando please" I'm aware how desperate I sound but I just need him to fuck me hard. He continues teasing me, frustrating me even more before finally giving me what I want. What I've been craving.
I don't attempt to hold back my moans. My body reacts to every movement as Lando fills me. It's like he was made for me, we fit together perfectly. His movements are deliberate and slow, I know he's holding back wanting this to last but I need him to let go.
"You feel so good baby"
I want nothing more than to dig my nails into Lando's back but my current position doesn't allow for that. My hands are flat on the bench desperate for something to grab onto and I pull the closest thing to me into my hands which just happens to be a tea towel.
Trying to match Lando's speed with my hips I feel the tension in my body building. I know I won't last much longer, every touch is bringing me closer to the peak of the much needed climax. My back arches as Lando pulls my body up by my hair causing me to scream out his name in pleasure as he thrusts deeper keeping the same rhythm going.
Hearing Lando's moans so close to my ear as he lets himself go is enough to send me over the edge. I've never been one to find it attractive when a man lets out moans of pleasure but there's something about the sounds that come from Lando that are like music to my ears. Letting myself go limp I lean against the kitchen bench supported by Lando as we both regain our composure.
"I love you so much my girl. You're perfect" his voice is soft as he pulls me into his arms placing a soft kiss to the top of my head "you're the one for me" Still basking in the afterglow, there are only three little words that need to come out of my mouth.
"I love you" wrapping my arms around Lando's neck I pull him into my arms. He might be taller than me but I love holding him in my arms.
"I think we might need to order food in. I can't cook but even I know that carbonara looks ruined" as we both get dressed I take one look at the pan on the hob and know there's no fixing it.
"Yeah we're definitely ordering in. I have a question" I say as I start clearing away the ruined food.
"What is it?" Lando asks and I can tell he's confused.
"After all of the months I've been coming to see you at home, why is today the first time you've bent me over the kitchen bench like that?"
"I have no idea but I can tell you now that's not going to be the last time because that was fucking incredible"
"I hoped you'd say that" seeing my phone start ringing next to me I see a FaceTime call from Liv "hold on it's Liv. Hiya!"
"You okay?"
"Yeah I'm good. You look amazing by the way! This whole being pregnant thing has suited you so much!" I don't think I've ever seen Liv glow this much before.
"Thank you. Is Lando home?" Liv asks and I see Max join her on the sofa.
"Look at his face! He's just had sex!" Max shouts as Lando comes into view on the camera next to me "that man is always exhausted when he comes home from a long haul flight, there's no way he'd usually still be awake let alone smiling!"
"All I'm saying is that it's been a long two weeks" Lando says with a shrug as he rests his arm around my shoulder.
"My innocent ears!" Liv practically screams at us unable to hold back her laugh "anyway we've got something to show you both, I had to wait until I knew Lando was home to ring you"
"What is it?" I ask confused what Liv needs to show me from her sofa for Lando to have to be here as well. As the camera is flipped I'm met with the sleeping face of a newborn baby. Liv and Max's baby. I let out the most high pitched screech in shock that my best friend actually has her baby in her arms "Oh my god! What the actual fuck! Oh my god"
"You two kept that quiet! Congratulations to you both and congrats on leaving Lu speechless" Lando says looking at the baby on the screen in front of us.
"I can't believe he's here! I'm so happy" feeling the tears roll down my cheeks I can't believe the happiness I feel for Liv and Max.
"Lucía don't cry or you'll set me off!" Liv warns through the phone. I have to get home to see her.
"I'm just so happy Liv" feeling Lando pull me into his arms I try to stop myself crying "does he have a name?"
"Yeah he does, meet your nephew Rafe Bradley Fewtrell" Liv says as she rests baby Rafe on her chest to snuggle him in. All I can say is that she looks content, there's no other way to describe it "he was born early yesterday morning but we wanted to tell you both together when we knew Lando would be home"
"Thank you. I'm pleased you've told us together because now I'm just going to cry at Lando about how perfect he is. I'm going to come home and see you both is that okay?" I ask not wanting to intrude when there's a newborn involved.
"Lucía you're welcome any time. If you'd both been home I would've had you visiting us in hospital or I would've at least invited you over when we got home. You're my sister, I'd let you visit anytime, no invite required" as we end the call I promise to get home in the next few days to see Liv and so Lando can see Max. I've never wanted to get to England so quickly.
"Lando..."
"I'm already on it. We can fly tomorrow afternoon" Lando says cutting me off knowing exactly what I'm going to ask. This is why he's so perfect, he can read me without me having to say anything.
The next day we arrive at Liv's house straight from the airport. I don't want to hang around, I need to see Liv to make sure she's okay and to meet baby Rafe.
"Hiya!" I say walking into the house knowing exactly where I'll find Liv. We have the kind of relationship where we don't have to knock when we get to each other's house, it's practically a home from home for both of us I think she'd be offended if I knocked. "Hi Max. I know I've made this all about Liv and Rafe but I'm happy for you. You'll be a good dad" I say hugging Max as I see him sat on the sofa.
"I appreciate that but I get it. Your friendship with Liv is special" Max stands up to greet Lando and I leave them to it as I sit next to Liv cuddling her.
"I'm so proud of you Liv. I don't think words will ever be enough. You're going to be such a good mum and Rafe is going to be so loved"
"Love you Luc" as Liv rests her head on my shoulder I listen as she tells the story of Rafe's birth and how her world instantly changed the second he was in her arms "you can hold him you know. I can't be bothered to stand up but you're more than welcome to get him out of the crib for a cuddle. I know you're desperate to"
"I am but I'm also here for you. You're my best friend and my priority was talking to you first" standing up I look into the crib where Rafe is swaddled in a blanket. He's truly beautiful, I know everyone says baby's are cute but he genuinely is the cutest baby I've ever seen. Taking him in my arms I feel an instant rush of love. It's like something clicks in my brain and I know I'll love this little boy like he's my own and I'll do anything to protect him.
"It suits you having a baby. I don't think it'll be long until you two have one of your own"
"Maybe one day but we're too selfish right now. We're just enjoying each other and honestly? I don't want to share him" I feel like because of the time Lando and I spend apart, I have to appreciate every second I get with him and selfish as it may be I want them moments to myself for as long as I can.
"Right Lu, I love you baby but it's uncle Lando's turn for a cuddle" Lando says walking into the living room with Max trailing behind. I try to huff and protest as Lando takes Rafe from me not wanting to let him go but it doesn't work.
"Luc will you help me get ready? I fancy going for a walk. I'm sick of being inside after spending all weekend in hospital" agreeing to help Liv we make our way to her bedroom where I French plait her hair and do her make up. She's capable of doing it herself but there's something about having it done for you that makes life easier.
"I'm not going to lie Liv seeing Lando holding Rafe has made me feel so broody"
"Why do you think I said it won't be long until it's you two with a baby. Honestly I thought I loved Max until I saw Rafe in his arms for the first time. That's a whole new level of love that hits like a ton of bricks" listening to Liv talking about Max I don't actually think I could love Lando any more than I do without combusting.
"I'm not saying never, I'm just saying not yet. We've already said we're both not ready and want to wait a few years and I'm happy with that. I'll just enjoy being an auntie first" my relationship with Lando may have taken off quicker than a formula one car in pole position but I'm happy with where we are now. We're in love and we're happy that's all that matters.
esmelucia
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esmelucia we take aunite and uncle duties very seriously landonorris. Rafe Bradley Fewtrell you're my favourite human, I will love and protect you always 👶🏻 🩵
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user43 you and Lando would have the cutest family
↪️ landonorris she'd be the biggest milf 🔥
livdavies thank you so much for today, we appreciate you so much! Rafe loves his auntie Lucía and uncle Lando 🤍
↪️ esmelucia we're here for you any time! We love him so much 🥹
user747 omg stop! uncle Lando and auntie Lucía are real!
user547 this is the best news! Imagine baby having Max’s curls!
user638 you two should definitely have a baby so it can be best friends with Rafe!
↪️ esmelucia maybe one day if that's what the universe has planned for us.
• • •
This hasn’t been proofread so there’s probably typos galore (I’ll check tomorrow night) but there’s probably only one part of this story left (😭) however my new story should be up at some point this weekend, either tomorrow or Saturday. Most likely Saturday to be completely honest .
#lando norris x oc#lando norris fanfic#lando series#lando smut#lando norris#lando#lando norris smut#formula one fanfiction#formula one smut#formula 1#formula 1 fanfic#formula one#formula 1 smut#f1 smut#formula one fanfic#formula 1 fanfiction#f1 fanfic
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Stormlight AU #3 (Kalarin Rumors): Chapter 7 Part 2
Chapter One Premise Outlined Here
"Captain? Can we speak for a moment?"
"Of course," Captain Kaladin said, not looking up from the indecipherable chart of messy glyphs, laid atop a pile of those like it. “Just let me finish — Sigzil what about seventeenth—” Teft sighed, leaning against the door and idly picking at his fingers. A few minutes later the two managed to finish their conversation. The worldsinger gave Teft a sympathetic look and a pat on the shoulder as he passed by on the way out.
Teft felt he deserved more than that for what he was about to do.
He stepped into the Captain's private room, which functioned more like an office for how often he actually slept, closing the door behind him.
Best to get it over with. Teft squared his shoulders.
"I was hoping to talk to you about... whatever's going on with you and Prince Renarin."
Kaladin blew out a heavy breath, leaning back against the desk. To his credit, he didn’t look embarrassed, so much as resigned. "Alright. Yes, we guessed that figured that you all had... noticed something."
"You could say that," Teft said carefully. Hard not to notice when you come back from private ‘training’ wearing each others shirts. Idiots.
The captain scrubbed a hand across his face. "Give me until tonight, alright? I'm pretty sure Renarin is about ready to talk openly with everyone."
"Uh," Teft said, face screwing up, a spark of panic rising from beneath the awkwardness. "Storms lad, I wasn't suggesting you make an announcement… we're just worried about the lighteyes noticing something. Prince Adolin basically walked in on the two of you, doing..." he coughed into his hand. "Whatever you were doing."
"I appreciate your concern," Kaladin said. "Truly, I can’t tell you how grateful I am for the tremendous loyalty you've all shown, covering for us without asking questions. Not to mention how much of an effort you've made to include him in the crew."
"He's... a decent kid. For a lighteyes," Teft said begrudgingly. "And, well. We've all noticed you've been, uh. Sleeping better. Which...storms he could be a lot more annoying and we'd probably still teach him cards, for your sake, you have to know that."
"He really is a good person," Kaladin said, looking slightly defensive.
"Of course," Teft agreed quickly.
"And he's hardly a kid. He’s barely a few months younger than me."
"You're a decent kid, too," he said, smoothing his expression with long practice. Storms really? I knew you were young but... the prince was nineteen, wasn't he? Blood of my fathers, I’ve been following a teenager. Well. At least this makes a bit more sense now, Almighty help us all.
"I'll go check with Renarin, but do you think we might be able to get the men to meet inside tonight, after dinner shifts are over? I'd rather not risk being overheard by any of the other crews, and it would be easiest if we could talk with everyone off duty all at the same time.” Kaladin scratched his chin, looking down at the pages. “Actually, if we make a few switches, if Lopen’s cousins and the old guard agree…could probably get most of the original bridge off for the evening."
"Jezrian's crown,” he whispered. “So it's… so it’s serious then?" Of course it was. When did you do anything not seriously. Stormfather, what were they going to announce? It’s been less than two weeks!
"You could say that."
Teft looked to the sky. Oh, this was going to end in desolation. But the two were young, and had more determination than sense. "Nothing’s ever simple with you, is it lad?"
Kaladin sighed, then stood, patting Teft on the shoulder as he walked outside.
They found Renarin polishing leathers with Mart and Bisig, all three listening to Lopen tell some story with grand gestures and whole body movements.
The prince perked up like an axehound pup when the Captain approached. Storms. A lighteyes who acted like a loyal servant, and a darkeyes who acted like a caring lord. Maybe they deserved each other.
The two stepped away, conferring with bowed heads. Mart and Bissig exchanged amused expressions, while Lopen stared, leaning their direction with utter shamelessness.
The brightlord blanched, hands fumbling for his box. Kaladin put a hand on his arm, smiling softly and whispering something.
Teft turned away, not wanting to see anymore. Damnation, he needed a drink. Kaladin Stormblessed could probably have had any darkeyes he wanted in all of the camps. Nales scar, he probably could have had a fair number of the tenners, maybe even a niner. But no. The ambitious moron had to reach for a third dahn, son of a highprince. Why didn't he just storming try and seduce the king and be done with it?
No. I’m being unfair. Teft groaned, kicking a rock with his nice, black leather boots. Boots he wouldn't have had if it weren't for the captain.
Kaladin was a good man. Maybe some would accuse him of social climbing, but anyone who knew him knew how ridiculous the idea was of him using someone like that. The two morons were in love, or, more likely, having good enough sex that they had convinced themselves it was love.
They should have been more insistent about dragging Kaladin to a brothel. The man just hadn’t seemed interested. In any of it! Not that he had been listening, when they were all living in Sadeas bridgeyard, without the nice privacy shields even Kholin infantryman got but he had never even heard the Captain —
"Teft?"
He jumped, turning to face the captain guiltily.
The man gave him a slightly curious expression, but didn't ask.
"Renarin's ready. We'll talk to everyone tonight — those who aren't on evening guard anyway."
"I'll tell the men,” Teft said, resigned. “Some will kick up a fuss about not going out, but they’ll all want to hear."
Kaladin nodded once, then looked past Teft, noticing a sergeant from bridge twelve who was hovering nearby. He walked over to deal with one of his ten ten impossible responsibilities.
An announcement. Screw a drink, he would deserve something stronger than that after tonight. All he wanted was for the lads to be a bit more discreet. And they had to go and decide to make an announcement.
They couldn't be planning on getting married, could they? Bad enough he strongly suspected they’d already traded soldier's oaths. It had been what — jez's balls, six days, seven? And it was insane besides, the prince's rank — Almighty's tenth name, what was the prince going to do, resign his position to be with his lover? Disinherit himself? Could he do that?
…Highprince Dalinar might actually kill the captain. He might kill all of them, while he was at it.
Teft sighed, then went on his own way, spreading the word like a death sentence.
#stormlight archive#stormlight au#kalarin#kaladin stormblessed#renarin kholin#my au#man i had a bunch of thoughts for this au and i'll probably still post stuff i've already written#(as i get around to editing)#but honestly at this point the characterization of renarin and kaladin relies on canon divergence so far back from where WAT ended#that its kindof hard to get in the right headspace for it anymore#also even though yes kaladin is my main blorbo and smashing his action figure's mouth against the other guys is my fav#i already generally preferred rlainarin as my renarin ship#and now it's even harder to mentally set aside the rlainarin otp#even for the sake of playing in this fun sandbox#so yeah probably not going to develop further on that outline but we'll see who knows how i'll feel over the next decade#could get WOR pilled once more#stormlight au no 3#nevertheless cosmere
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He rolled his eyes playfully at her which he knew she wasn't even going to see. "Sorry, you're one of not the biggest. The biggest are out there somewhere. Probably in the world record or something." He knew this would end up being something he'd tease her about but for now he was enjoying pulling her leg.
Humming she had just brought a good point. "I didn't. I took a guess. It was going to be fifty fifty so I just took it. Also, I fear I've learned entirely too much from married couples who think aren't loud but truly are when they're banging like rabbits. Hmm never said I was a master at it. Far from it honestly. But this has been a nightly routine in this hotel for the past week so all I've heard is them go at it and miss. I've got a huge patience threshold but that dwindles when I'm running on 2 hours of sleep a night. Averaging." Like the family saying went, don't fuck with a sleep deprived Wally. Whatever he held back being his normal self, he had no minced words when sleep was elusive.
"I'm extra glad she didn't end up being one of them. She's too good for them. You're right. Now she gets to snuggle you and pretty much clocking you in as her favorite." Not that he minded. He loved seeing Dolly so close to Liz. "Also, did you just quote a Disney movie? Well, well."
Wally laughed and put his pillow over his head as requested. "Your wish is my command." His voice came out muffled. It was in their childish moments that reminded him of her inner child. Which then brought up all the ideas to get her to shake her loose. "You wish that I'd end the call. What if I want to fall asleep with you on call? What if you help me sleep?"
"Pfft please. Those bunny teeth are a hell of a sight to miss." he retorted easily. "Right okay yeah sure you don't pay attention to what I leave behind. Sure." Wally laughed not believing her. "If you see it. Put it in the box I'll get it later. Unless you wanna keep it to sleep. Just tell me and don't pull a Meli and take it."
He chuckled into his pillow making his left hand roll down his side. "Dolly will come with us. Of course. You really think I'd take you out and leave her at home. She's part of our crew. Yes, you bail if you want to. I will never force you into anything and that still stands from the first time I told you. Everything is your choice. Aside from the lights? I guess the wishes people leave there. It is said to give people hope when they need it." Shrugging his shoulders a little since he didn't have a clue. "Adding art museum to Wednesday. It's free admission for book club readers." He was one of them. "Lighthouses are already on the list. Adventure week would not be complete without lighthouses, lila. Mhmm a bunch more. We could go see the Maui one. The Honolulu one is pretty busy but could go in the early morning to beat the crowds. Monday is Sunset Tour on the lucky lady. Wear your most comfortable clothes."
"Ah, so you admit you just try to be the opposite of other guys to show that 'you're not like other guys'. Noted." It was a joke as she shook her head. "Knew you'd slip up sooner or later." It was her turn to scoff. "One of the biggest? I should be the biggest." Perhaps if she kept it up she would be one of the things that annoyed him so much that he'd eventually tire of her.
For a moment she thought he'd finally give in to sleep until he banged on the wall. Laughing at the words that came from his mouth, slightly awakening Dolly who just readjusted before closing her eyes again, she said. "How would you know if that was right or not, what if they were just like, lets pretend and get this over with? What makes you the master of other peoples sex lives?" Moving to lay on her side with one arm around Dolly, she propped her phone against a book on her nightstand and resumed absentmindedly petting and scratching behind the dogs ear. "It's okay, she was too good for them anyway. She'd be like Dug from Up, being bullied by the dogs that take themselves to seriously." Another movie that she had recently watched with her nephew over an app that they had found to be able to watch movies together. "Ugg, fjandans," she muttered rolling her eyes. "Forget I said anything, put your face under the pillow instead. I don't want to see any piece of your face. In fact end this video call." Her hands came up, one to cover Dolly's face and one over hers, it was childish but she was also tired.
The irritation didn't last long, softening at his words. "You're looking at it right now. There's not much to miss. Ah, just say you're just waiting to see me be scared of an animal." Blue. 55. "Hmm, I'll have to look over where I keep your stuff. I usually don't pay attention to the things you leave behind, just make sure its clean and put it on the shelf in the hallway for you to take later. And if it is lost, then it's on you for not keeping better track of it. Can't help it if the dryers in the laundromat down the street have a tendency of eating clothes." She was teasing, she remembered the exact sweater, she had laughed as she folded it.
A cave was still not her idea of an adventure, but she was sure that once she showed what a bore she was with the animal thing, that he would cancel the cave thing too. "Sure," she covered up a yawn. "Why the hell not." Snuggling closer to Dolly, she gave a small shrug of her shoulders. "Dolly will come with us right? If she comes I'll be fine." That was a lie but focusing on something else would help. "And I bail when I want. No promise of sticking the thing out. I don't like caves. What makes it so special anyway? Caves are caves, unless you're talking about a cenote, then I'm out. I don't mess with that." Jennifer's tales of Chaak lurking in them, along with some used as burial places and deemed sacred kept her out of them as a kid and stuck with her into adult hood. As much as she didn't believe in a religion of a kind, she respected what people deemed sacred.
"You know what we should do," she offered up. "Go to the Art Museum. I think they have a new exhibit." Then she perked up slightly. "Or see a lighthouse!" But even then it was a small exclamation, having Dolly around to keep her still gave her no other choice but to give in to the ache inside and sleep instead of wander around. After stifling another yawn, she added. "You said there were more around here right?"
#bordeaux |▪︎main ▪︎|#not me thinking about their ellie and carl counterparts 🥺🥺#he mentioned bunny teeth 🥺🥺🥺#dolly is their first furchild she gotta catch-up 🤭🤭#its his second favorite hoodie which now will have liz essence on it and he loves that#long hair and future liz best of friends has me laughing#dolly plopped down on human mama said nope
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