#which means that those disappearances don’t end up being a big deal | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yuna542 · 2 years ago

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›Bad Idea‹

Pairing: Hong Woojin × Reader

Genre: Smut, Fluff, Angst, Enemies with benefits to Lovers

Warnings: 18+, explicit Smut, under 18 DNI!, suggestive Themes, Swearing, pet names, hate sex, ANGST, fingering, bruises

Word Count: 6.1k

Note: Part 2… God I have so many ideas for Storys yet so little time to actually write them. But good news: I‘m soon on vacation, that means I‘ll have a lot time for writing. Hope you like this part. There will be big drama soon~ Much love

Summary: As Gunwoo‘s little sister he wanted you to finally meet his best friend. Unfortunately you don't get along. He gets on your nerves, you fight all the time and yet you can't stop messing with each other. One evening you get into a dangerous situation and end up bruised and bloody at his apartment. And you suddenly have to ask yourself: Why do you feel so attracted to that idiot?

Chapter 3:

The Mistake

Waiting, you stared at him when he made no move to turn around.

"Do you want me to change in front of you?" you asked accusingly, and that's when he seemed to remember his manners. With a wry grin, he ran a hand through his hair.

"Well, I wouldn't mind."

Stunned, you grabbed a pillow from the sofa and threw it at him to hide how your face flushed with redness. But he caught it and laughed derisively.

"Okay calm down! I'm going to take a shower too. Can you watch the ramen? It just needs a few more minutes."

Then he disappeared into the bathroom as well, and you heard the water being turned on.

After slipping into his clothes, which were of course too big for you, you had to admit that they didn't look as bad as you thought.

But you definitely wouldn't tell him that.

You continued to prepare the ramen, filling it into two bowls that you placed on the living room table, and just as you were tasting it, Woojin came out of the bathroom.

You nearly choked on a noodle at the unannounced sight of his wet adonis-like torso. He had a towel wrapped around his hips, surrounded by refreshing steam and you were sure it only took a gust of wind to loosen it. The mere thought made your whole head glow and you tried not to let on how hot you thought his entire appearance was. It was wrong to think such things and you were disgusted by your own mind. It was Woojin after all. A dickhead and an idiot with no manners or empathy.

He rubbed his hair dry with a towel and as he did so, his biceps stood out and his abs tightened. You felt reminded of history class because he looked like one of those ancient statues carved out of marble depicting naked bodies of the gods.

The bruises and red marks all over his ribs and stomach already looked nasty, and you scrunched your nose as he came closer.

"Does it hurt a lot?" you asked, pointing to one of the biggest bruises that was just below his chest.

He looked down at himself, threw away the towel in his hand, and shook his head. Casually, he dropped down on the sofa next to you and grabbed one of the bowls and chopsticks.

"It's no big deal," he dismissed it, lying.

In fact, every breath hurt like hell and he feared that a rib or two had been broken, but he would never have admitted that in his life. Not in front of you. You stared at him in disbelief for a while and before you could stretch out your finger, he caught your hand and looked at you with a warning tone:

„Don’t you dare!“, he said and you snorted amused. So you had your answer that he was just playing the hero. But you left it at that, because his tight grip on your hand was already messing up your insides again. With one last warning look, he let go of your hand and tried to look unbothered.

As you continued to eye him concerned, he shook his head like a wet dog, and when you nudged him in annoyance at the drops of water hitting you, he just grinned broadly.

"Bon appétit!" he said enthusiastically, and so you ate in silence.

The fact that he was wearing only a towel played with your mind and you tried not to stare at his body all the time, although that was getting increasingly difficult.

It wasn't long before your bowls were empty.

Woojin took them to the kitchen and when he returned, you nibbled your lower lip uneasily. He looked at you unobtrusively.

It was strange to see you sitting cross-legged, in his clothes on his couch and despite everything you looked like a princess. A sight he never imagined to see.

"Ah shit," you cursed and groaned in pain as you put too much strain on your hand.

Silently, he sat down next to you again and grabbed your hand as if it was natural. He turned it and looked at your scraped knuckles in the light. With a furrowed brow, you watched as he palpated your wrist and pulled your hand away with a hiss as a sharp pain shot through your arm.

"Ouch! Be careful, dickhead! What are you doing?" you whimpered, and he glared at you again.

"Stop bitching around! I'm trying to help so Gunwoo doesn't rip my head off. Luckily you just bruised it because you snapped your wrist when you punched him."

Questioningly, you looked at his hands, which he demonstratively clenched into fists.

"You see that? Your wrist must always be tense when you punch, otherwise you can break your hand," he explained and you made a fist as well.

"Like this?" you asked curiously, holding it out to him.

Carefully he enclosed it with his strong fingers and straightened your wrist. His skin was warm on yours and you resisted the urge to grab his hand at the last moment.

"Almost. That's it. You have to keep it straight and tense as you punches," he said, smiling delightedly. It was clear how much fun he was having teaching you some of his passion.

You caught yourself smiling pleasantly as well, as you watched the enthusiastic gleam in his eyes while he spoke. He continued to hold your hand and that's when your eyes met.

As you gazed at each other in silence, the air became electrically charged and something in your stomach fluttered uneasily.

"Do you want me to take a look at that? That looks pretty bad," he said then, pointing to the wound on your eyebrow.

Before you could even answer, he already fetched a first aid kit, which he probably needed often, and spread it out in front of you.

"Can you put some clothes on first?" you asked before he could come closer, fearing you would lose your mind if he touched you like that too. You waved your hand in front of his chest, while you tried to avoid eye contact:

„That is irritating...“

He himself seemed to have completely forgotten that he was half naked and took a pair of boxershorts from the pile of clothes and slipped into them without further ado.

„Oh really? I thought you could handle a real man“, he provoked and was obviously proud of his stupid saying. You just crossed your arms and looked up to him with raised eyebrows.

„I could if there was one here.“

Offended, he mumbled something unintelligible, which certainly was an insult and rummaged in the pile of clothes. Then he put on a black shirt with the typical 'Metallica' lettering printed on it, before he sat down in front of you again and leaned your head on the chin to the side to have a better view of the cut on your eyebrow.

With skillful moves, he prepared disinfection, a wound ointment and a plaster. It was obvious that he was skilled at this. You already knew the procedure from Gunwoo as well.

You had treated him and his best friend countless times when they came home after training or a fight. Not only boxers knew quickly about such things, but also their environment.

"Now that hurts a little bit. I'm counting to three. One..."

And already he pressed the swab with the disinfectant on the spot and you squeaked loudly in pain. It was obviously the revenge for your mean comment.

Angrily, you punched him in the shoulder. This time your wrist was tense, yet it seemed to have no effect on him.

"What the hell! You said on the count of three!" you snapped at him, squinting your eyes as your entire head seemed to be on fire. God you hated him so much.

"It must come unexpectedly. It’s better," he replied, clearly amused, and dabbed the ointment on your wound with such gentleness as you were not used to from him.

Expertly, he stuck a plaster above your eyebrow and looked at his work with satisfaction.

"Voilà!" he presented it with both hands and smiled.

"Now it's your turn!" you said then and he nodded curtly.

"Okay. But please don't make it worse than it is," he replied teasingly and you gave him an annoyed look. As you set to work dabbing the wounds, you asked in passing:

"Why did you help me?"

"You're my best friend's sister. So you're my responsibility, too."

Your eyes met for a moment and there was that crackling energy again, making your skin tingle. Quickly you averted your eyes and pressed the swab with disinfectant on his wound to stop whatever was happening. It was almost panic as you avoided his gaze. He twitched slightly, but didn't make a sound.

"I mean how did you find me?"

The question had been burning on your tongue ever since he had suddenly appeared and beaten the assholes to a mush.

"I stayed at the party to keep an eye on you. Then when you left, I followed you."

Briefly, you paused and looked at him suspiciously.

"That's kind of creepy..."

He leaned against the back of the sofa with one arm and tilted his head a little.

"Oh well, you're lucky I was there."

He was right about that. Without him, something really bad would have happened. You didn't even want to imagine how it would have turned out if he hadn't shown up like a knight in shining armour.

But then something occurred to you.

"You've been watching me? The whole time?" you asked, thinking about your little makeout session with the guy. Had he seen all of that?

"It wasn't my idea... Gunwoo wanted me to watch you."

That made more sense. Your brother had told him to do it. Woojin probably didn't care at all what happened to you. You breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't bring up making out. He probably hadn't even noticed.

You nodded slowly and began spreading the cream on his wounds.

"Thanks anyway."

He watched as your eyes wandered intently over his face, trying to get every detail. How your eyebrows lifted slightly when you spoke or how you nibbled on your lower lip when you were thinking or concentrating.

Your slender fingers felt comfortable against his skin and he secretly wished you would never stop touching him.

"There is one thing that does interest me..."

"Huh?"

"Why did you just leave the poor guy? Was he that bad?" he asked, and immediately your heart flipped over and heat shot into your cheeks. Embarrassed, you cleared your throat and tried to avoid his gaze.

So he had seen it after all and couldn't just let it go.

And the worst part was that he clearly enjoyed the way shame turned your cheeks red and you uncomfortably brushed a strand of hair behind your ear.

"No... he... I was... that's not the..."

You cursed yourself for only stammering coming out of your mouth, but Woojin had caught you off guard. Why were you so uncomfortable talking to him about it, and why didn't he stop looking at you so piercingly? Under no circumstances would you have told him the truth. That you had been thinking about him while someone else was all over you. You hated the fact yourself and still blamed it on the alcohol.

The corners of his mouth twitched knowingly and only now did you notice how close his lips hovered in front of yours. You had been so focused on treating his wound that you hadn't noticed how close your faces were in front of each other.

If you wanted to, you just had to lean forward a little and you could touch his lips with yours.

"So?" he asked teasingly, his voice getting a lot deeper.

His shimmering eyes made you all jittery and when he put his hand on your hip, your breathing only faltered.

"He just wasn't my type," you tried to end the subject, spreading the last of the ointment on his cheek.

"What's your type?" he continued to ask, and you hated his handsome face, prominent jawline and those engaging eyes for making you a flustered mess.

"Why do you want to know?" you mumbled, putting the ointment down and freezing as he lifted your chin with his index finger so you had to look him in the eye.

"Just out of curiosity."

Was he flirting with you? No he couldn't be. He was just messing with you and would laugh at you at any moment for taking it from him. After all, he didn't even like you and you didn't like him, so what was all this about?

"I can tell you what's not my type..."

"I'm listening."

His eyes were luminous in the dim light of his apartment. Your voice was low, but soft as velvet.

"Guys who are cheeky and ruthless. Act stupid all the time. Who don't know when to shut up. Who prefer to solve their problems with their fists rather than their mind. And think with their dick rather than their brain."

"Then I'm your walking nightmare."

You snorted in amusement and there your noses brushed against each other. The brief contact was enough to make everything go crazy in your head.

"And you? What kind of girls are you into?" you asked, just to say something.

Maybe to stop what was about to happen. He put his hand gently against your cheek and you could feel his warm breath brush against your lips as he spoke. You were both fighting an internal battle, wanting to break away from each other and put as much distance between you as necessary. However, your bodies did not obey.

"Until now, I thought I knew."

The rasp in his voice gave you goosebumps. Everything in you screamed to flee, to push him away and never speak a word to him again. But the heat rushed in your ears and your body no longer listened to you.

"What do you mea..." you were interrupted when his lips collided with yours and he pulled you stormily closer.

The defiant voice in your head grew quieter and the kiss was chaotic, emotional. Just as you knew Woojin and sensual at the same time.

His tongue slid over your lower lip and as soon as you opened your lips a little, your tongues fought for dominance. His hands slid to your hips, reaching for you, and you buried your fingers in the fabric of his shirt at his chest. Soon the whole thing was just a mess of tongues, teeth, groping and greedy touches.

All the tension between you, the anger and adrenaline of tonight unloaded between you and he tasted so addictive you never wanted to taste anything else. You didn't know if it was minutes, maybe hours, when you broke away from each other, panting.

Only then did you remember what was actually happening.

"What the... How," you stammered and ran your hands through your hair, overwhelmed. You couldn't bear to look each other in the eye for even a second, afraid of what else you would conjure up.

"I'm sorry. That was stupid," he muttered, and then you dared to look at him again. His lips lured seductively.

It all didn't matter now anyway, did it?

"Yes. It was."

He took a rasping breath as you grabbed a handful of his t-shirt and roughly pulled him closer again.

"Do it again!" you murmured, and he didn't need to be told twice. Relieved, his hands flew to your hips and your lips crashed together again. He pulled you onto his lap and you buried your fingers in his hair as you licked incessantly into each other's mouths.

The kiss was heated and more passionate than anything you had ever experienced. Like a fire it burned everything to ashes and his hands explored your body everywhere the fabric revealed a strip of skin.

"Shit you taste like candy," he murmured between kisses to your lips, spreading them along your jawline. A sigh escaped you as he grazed the sensitive spot behind your ear and you unconsciously rolled your hips against him.

He turned you on in a way that made your heart pound and your head spin. Briefly he paused and looked at the strangulation marks on your neck left by the gorilla.

Carefully he stroked the reddened areas and you thought you felt relief only from his touch.

Then he gently brushed his lips over them, caressing your skin as if he could heal it like that, and you laid your head back with your eyes closed while he worked his magic all over your neck. It was unreal how he melted your whole body just with that.

He ran his hands under your shirt and stroked your belly, your sides, up to your back. Gradually you couldn't stand it anymore. Your core pulsed excitedly and you wanted everything from him at once.

"Stop teasing!" you gasped as he sank his teeth into your neck. He lifted his gaze and looked like a puppy with those shiny eyes and excited smile.

"I can't help it. You're too cute, the way you're so desperately grinding on me."

Startled, you only now noticed how you rolled your hips against his middle. Your body had taken on a life of its own, desperately trying to create more friction to soothe the immense desire in your lower belly.

"Are you blushing?" he teased, squeezing your hips.

"Are you shy after all?"

Annoyed by his jokes and arrogance, you unceremoniously pulled your shirt over your head and tossed it aside. You could play this game, too. He should realize that he wasn't in control.

Surprised, he raised his eyebrows and his gaze was immediately glued to your naked body. He stared at your perfect breasts that he had imagined so many times when you came rushing into Gunwoo's room in those short pajama shirts that were way too small for you to yell at them to turn down the music.

"Fuck... Your tits are really perfect," escaped him and he immediately grabbed your breasts with both hands, cupped them and groped them while he spread kisses on your collarbone again.

"Do you think about my tits often?" you asked provocatively, gasping as soon as he sucked your skin and kneaded the soft flesh of your tits in his hands. The heat flowed together in a river between your legs and you could feel his hardened length through the fabric of his boxers.

"No wonder when you dress so slutty...you always run around in those short clothes at home when I'm there," he shot back less eloquent, completely distracted by your curves and soft skin. Soon his mouth closed around your nipple and he also worked your soft skin on your breasts as if he couldn't get enough.

You pushed him back roughly on his chest until he hit the back of the sofa and looked up at you with a mischievous expression on his face.

"You're insulting me while you're groping me all desperate?" you asked incredulously, taking advantage of the moment to take a breath.

"I thought you couldn't stand me?"

He pressed your hips harder against his in response, so that his hard dick pressed right up against your needy cunt. It was a little scary how big he felt through the fabric.

"I can't stand you. But I still think you're hot. Stop with the sass mouth. I know you want me!" he replied sharply and you laughed in amusement.

"You have a really overrated self-esteem."

Nevertheless, with greedy fingers you finally ripped his shirt off his body and stroked his bruises with care. His abs felt hard under your fingers and you sucked in a sharp breath as he began to rub your hips against his hard length.

"Do you trust me?" he asked, placing kisses all over your chest, nibbling on your neck. You threw your head back, growing,

"Fuck, If i didn't I wouldn't be half-naked on you."

Satisfied, he grabbed your ass and stood up with you as if you weighed no more than a feather. You held onto his neck and so he carried you to his room.

Red LED lights bathed the small room in an spicy atmosphere and in the corner of the room was a bed on which he placed you. He stepped between your legs and climbed over you until he was looking down on you.

He enjoyed the sight of your exposed body beneath him and before he could gape any further, you pulled him down to you and kissed him again.

At the same time he helped you get rid of the sweatpants and couldn’t stop touching your skin everywhere. You could feel his dick pressed against your thigh through his underwear, and your cunt tingled excitedly as his hands traveled agonizingly slowly down your belly.

"You want me to touch you, don't you?" he whispered in your ear, his fingers playing across the surface of your underwear and making you very, very aware of how wet they were.

"You are so arrogant. It's disgusting you know?" you said with a razor sharp tone that made his eyebrows twitch. It was the typical expression you always saw when you got on his nerves and managed to make him angry.

You tried not to look particularly impressed as he brushed his hand over your inner thigh, and yet as soon as he stroked your covered middle, you exhaled loudly.

"Uhh... Do you think you can resist much longer? Just admit you want me," he purred and god he had no idea how much you wanted to tear the last shred of fabric from his trained body, so that he would fuck you senseless. But instead you stubbornly withstood his gaze and let your fingers wander in circles over his chest.

"Do you really think you can satisfy me? You seem to have quite a bit to compensate for.... ah"

A short cry, more like a surprised moan escaped you as he slipped his hand unannounced into your panties and sank two fingers inside you.

Smugly, he began pumping them into your wet cunt while your mouth was open and you clung tensely to his upper arm, which he used to support himself next to your head. He looked down at you with a dangerous grin, like a predator eyeing its prey, and you could no longer hide what his touches were doing to you.

His thumb began to massage your clit at the same time and the heat in your lower abdomen clenched into a coil of pure fire. Whatever he did with his fingers made you drift off completely into the fog of ecstasy and the sinful moan he tore from you was like a reward for him.

"That sounds so much better... If I had known your moans sounded so pretty, I would have shut you up by doing this much sooner."

His words made the anger rise in you again. Why could you absolutely dislike each other, and yet it was the hottest thing you had ever experienced?

He sped up the motions of his fingers and the room was filled with the wet sounds and your moans as he memorized every expression on your face. You were beautiful the way you looked at him out of those angry big eyes, but couldn't hide the way your high rolled relentlessly closer.

"Don't you dare stop!" you gasped breathlessly, and he just laughed softly as your fingernails dug into his arm and he felt your cunt clench around his fingers.

"Don't worry. I want to see your face when you come around my fingers," he breathed against your ear and sucked on your neck, working his way back down and wrapping his lips around your nipple. He bit into it lightly while you were already starting to see stars.

His long fingers and mouth on your heated skin was enough to drive you over the top.

Trembling, you buried your hands in his hair and tugged on his strands overwhelmed as the world around you faded into white while you moaned his name as you came.

He savored your high to the last second and then he pulled his fingers out of your panties. While your chest rose and fell frantically and you tried to get back in touch with reality, he slipped his fingers into his mouth and licked your juices off of them.

Then he leaned down to you again and kissed you. With the kiss you slowly drifted back to reality. He had given you the best orgasm of your life only with his fingers. You could only imagine what it would be like to feel his dick.

The kiss was messy and hurried, tongues exploring every corner they could find and gradually swayed into sensuality. He grinded his hard dick against your inner thigh and you could clearly feel how impatient he was getting.

You felt how you became addicted to more, which is why you ran your fingers down his stomach. Even though you saw him half naked every day at training, it was something else to feel his muscles. Firm and seductive pressed against your soft body.

Almost playfully, you let your fingers wander over his waistband of boxers, sliding them in a bit as he greedily licked into your mouth and kneaded your breast with one hand.

He exhaled rattling as you rubbed your covered pussy right against his dick and he felt the soaked fabric even through his underwear. Your body was like a drug he would probably never get off of again.

His dick was so hard it was already painful and you smiled as he broke the kiss, breathlessly almost begging:

"Can I fuck you?"

"Just shut the fuck up and do it already!" you replied and it was as if you had given the starting signal for a boxing match. He tore off his underwear and got rid of your panties in record speed.

When his cock jumped free and bounced heavily against his belly, you couldn't suppress a surprised gasp.

He was indeed big... Very big.

When he noticed your gaze, he smiled with satisfaction and lined himself up with you.

"Still think I need to compensate for something?" he asked mockingly and you could feel his tip already at your entrance.

"Do you want to talk or fuck me?" you shot back as your cunt was already pulsing impatiently and you wanted to finally feel him. Even if it would hurt.

"You're so incredibly annoying..." he grumbled, and held your hips in place, so that you couldn't move back from his massive cock. Before you could retort anything snarky, he pushed in one unbroken movement inside of you and your entire body came alive with electric pleasure that has you gasping as he held you there, with his hands firmly on your hips to stop you from wiggling away. As he draws back and pushes back in so hard your vision splits with stars and heat explodes beneath your skin.

It hurt as he stretched you out and you could only see through the tears how much he enjoyed your fucked out face as he proved to you that he wasn't just talking stupid. You clawed at his back and your gasps quickly turned to pornographic moans. The pain was flooded and washed away by the arousal the more he stretched you out.

His thrusts hit something inside of you that made you soon choke on your moans, because you were still so tangled up from his fingers teasing you that you were close again already, and you knew exactly that he's never going to let you live this down.

Woojin was a professional athlete, you knew that. But now you realised behind closed doors, under the sheets, he was an olypian.

He set a fast pace, hitting your sweet spot with every thrust, deeper inside of you every time. The world around you blurred in arousal and you wrapped your legs around his hips as he seemed to hit deeper with every thrust. His bed squeaked dangerously and banged loudly against the wall. Woojin's neighbors would probably barely be able to sleep a second, but you couldn't care less.

"You feel incredible," he gasped, intercepting your whimpers with intense kisses, and you felt yourself falling apart at any moment. When he perceived that your body was tensing, he intertwined his fingers with yours and pressed your hand into the mattress beside your head.

"Woojin... fuck... I'm gonna..."

You didn't remember how to form words or put them in proper order, but he understood you even without words. He read your reactions and your body like a book.

"It's okay, dollface! Come around my cock!"

At that moment, something exploded in your head and your orgasm gripped you with such force that you moaned his name loudly and your walls almost crushed him. It was like your body was burning and your brain was turning to mush. If you died now, you would be beyond pissed because you were with Woojin, but at least you had the best sex of your whole life.

"Fuck... oh fuck," he moaned, and a low growl escaped him as he too was on the verge.

"Come inside me! I'm on the pill!" you gasped and he moaned at your words.

„Shit... You're naughty."

He only thrusted into you hard one more time until he too came and shot his load deep inside you. After a few sloppy thrusts, he collapsed on top of you breathing heavily and buried his face in the crook of your neck.

So you slowly calmed down, listening to each other's heartbeat, and you stroked him dizzy over the back. It took quite a while for both of you to gradually drift back out of the thick fog of fuzzy state.

Neither dared to say a word for fear of what would happen. Silently you traced the lines of his marine tattoo and he grumbled comfortably, making your body vibrate.

"What did we do...", you whispered after a while and that's when he lifted his head, took another deep breath of your scent to store it in his mind and then rolled off you onto his back.

Suddenly everything was like before, only the heavy smell of sex in the air was new. You swallow at the awkward aftermath because you didn't think this far. You never even thought this was a possibility in any universe.

You both stared at the ceiling, trying to understand what had just happened. You pulled the blanket around your body and rolled onto your side, with your back to him.

What was that fluttering in your stomach? Why couldn't you bear to look at him?

Restlessly, you nibbled on your bottom lip and closed your eyes. Hopefully you would just wake up in your bed and all this had never happened. It would just be a dream, that you could be ashamed of, but nobody would ever know about it. Especially Woojin would never know. You had a feeling that everything he did would now somehow remind you of sex with him.

"Still hate me?" he asked into the silence and you replied:

"Definitely"

"Just as much?"

"Maybe a little less"

You raised your eyebrows in surprise when he actually laughed. You stared at the opposite wall until the corners of your mouth went up as well and you giggled too. The whole situation was too surreal to be true.

First your mortal enemy saved you from thugs and then fucked you senseless.

That's when you turned around and looked at him. He ran his hand through his thick curls and when your eyes met, you grinned like idiots. Never in your life had you expected this situation.

He also rolled onto his side until your faces hovered close to each other.

"That was a mistake," you mumbled after a while and he nodded.

"Yes... Gunwoo must never know about this."

For the first time, you fully agreed with him, and the mere thought of your brother getting to know even a glint of it gave you goosebumps. Still, you couldn't stop looking dreamily at the other and admiring each other's features. Were his cheekbones always this sharp?

"Then let's not regret it until tomorrow..." he then murmured and that was okay with you. Silently you nodded and that's when he reached out and pulled you closer by your hips under the covers.

You snuggled against his chest and he put his big arms around your body, squeezing your ass teasingly.

Just for tonight.

That's what you kept saying to each other in your mind. It was just for tonight and tomorrow all this had never happened.

After all, the whole thing had nothing to mean.

So it was okay when your lips lay on each other again and your hands wandered over each other's bodies. Just for tonight. You delayed the morning as long as possible, until you fell asleep snuggled close to him, relaxed and secure.

And with a smile on your lips.

The next morning, when Woojin woke up, you were gone. So were your things, and he looked in his closet for safety. Only when he saw that his clothes were indeed missing, he believed that he had not imagined the whole thing.

While eating breakfast, he glanced at his phone and spotted a message from you:

"If you tell anyone about this, you're dead."

Despite the threat, he smiled slightly and looked at the sofa where the first aid kit still lay.

You had disappeared in the early morning. It would be too strange to look him in the eyes in the morning. You didn't know what you would say and you would have liked to leave the country, never to see him again.

The worst thing was that you just couldn't stop thinking about last night. On the bus you unconsciously smelled his shirt you were wearing again and you would have loved to punch yourself.

Quietly, you unlocked your front door and were about to sneak into your room, but Gunwoo was already awake and packing his training bag. When he heard the door, he turned to you and froze when he saw the wound on your temple.

Then his gaze traveled down your body and only when he had silently looked at your torn dress in your hands as well, did he ask:

"What happened?"

You couldn't say anything. You just stood there and suddenly everything fell away from you. The attack, the beating, the feeling of the gorilla's hand around your neck, and finally the bruises in your palms from the rope.

It all came back with such force that you trembled and tears welled up in your eyes.

Immediately, your brother came up to you worriedly and wrapped you in his arms. You let everything you held in your hands fall and buried your face against his chest, while your body was shaken by heartbreaking sobs. The hopelessness and fear you had felt reverberated within you, but Gunwoo's smell and warmth softened the helpless feeling.

He was the only one you could admit your weaknesses to, and your heart instantly lightened as he stroked your hair and just held you close.

"It's all right. I'm here," he murmured reassuringly and as soon as you caught your breath, you sat down at the kitchen table where his boxing gloves were.

Then you told him everything. Well, almost everything.

You left out the thing about Woojin and the sex. After all, that had never happened.

Gunwoo's face darkened with every word and his knuckles stood out white, so tightly did he clench his hands into fists. After you finished, you restlessly played with one of his bandages lying on the table.

"Are you mad?" you asked quietly, and that was the first time he really looked at you.

"God no! I'm just glad you're okay. I should have taken better care of you..."

He blamed himself. You quickly shook your head and reached for his hand across the table.

"No it wasn't your fault. Besides, Woojin was there to save me after all."

He nodded, but his jaw twitched tensely. Then he stood up and hugged you so tightly that you could barely breathe. But that was okay.

As he continued packing his things, you took your first real look around the kitchen. The cabinet under the sink was open and there were pipes and towels everywhere.

"What happened here?"

Gunwoo zipped up his bag and slipped into his jacket to leave for training.

"A pipe broke... I've already called a plumber and Mom really wanted to fix it herself. Could you help out at the café today?"

"Sure. Then I'll bring you pastries to training this afternoon."

Gunwoo's eyes sparkled with delight and he nodded vehemently.

"That sounds good. I'll see you later then."

He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and you tousled his hair in revenge before he disappeared through the door.

Shortly after, you fell back into bed and slept for another hour before heading to the café.

-> [3]

—

Taglist (open):

@marked-unknown @littlebaby-bunbun @officialshania @choisoorin @fanaticnae @lola2004sworld @penny44224 @artisticbirb @amnmich @tasteskz-sworld

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realchemistry · 7 months ago

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Everything that went right and wrong with 9-1-1 season 7 (according to me, duh!)

Let me start by saying that I enjoyed the season a lot, but that doesn't mean that it was flawless and I thought the finale didn't deliver. So, this is me pointing out what I did and didn't like and why, and how I wish it'd happened instead.

Also: it's a short and somewhat rushed season due to the writers' strike, this I know. You know who else knew? TPTB. So, nope, it’s not a valid excuse for any of its shortcomings. If they tried to bite off more than they could chew, that's on them.

Everyone knows that having a three-episode arc for the honeymoon was a bad choice, it was clear because the episodes dragged due to it and the Bathena drama made no sense. Let's say they had to keep up with the tradition and that it's a huge budget deal to build those sets so they had to milk them for all they were worth. Fine. It could've still been made more interesting, but wrong choices were made. I didn't appreciate the whole pirates taking over thing, and the season ended with the cartel, which... why do you want to have POCs being the bad guys so badly?

So, let's go by the assumption that having a three episode arc for Bathena's honeymoon was the only choice possible, fine... but didn't Madney deserve a lot of attention as well considering they got freaking married? Why was that not a two-parter? Why not have a first part with cases and some fun bachelor/bachelorette shenanigans, and have Chim disappearing be the cliffhanger? Why not dedicate a big chunk of the second part to that, like they did, and then actually give the wedding some breathing room? Sure, it mirrored their kiss after the whole Doug debacle but these are two main characters who got married. It's a drama show but the drama gets old if there are no bright moments in between.

The inclusion of Amir was interesting because of what it brought up in Bobby. Plus, the actor was clearly great and he was such a big deal that he, well, he was given A LOT of screentime. This made me mad because the show, as previously mentioned, was short on time as it was. Having a new character come in and have such a huge role would’ve made sense if we were talking about a full season. As it was, his presence meant that some of our regulars were pushed to the background. Their storylines suffered for it, and while the show usually does this, it's sorta okay when screentime is divvied up between the regular cast. When it's an outsider... well, I have some issues with that. Like, we literally know more about Amir than we do about Ravi at this point. Also: Amir was clearly an amazing person and he was wronged time and time again. Athena got to play solo-cop as it's her thing, and we're supposed to think she was being heroic instead of downright wrong and abusing her power? If I were Amir, I'd sue her and I'd burn their house down for real (not really, but you know what I mean). They put this man through hell. Sure, Bobby saved him... which felt such a white savior redemption thing. And I know the show and the character said otherwise, but it still felt awful and then it just got worse. In any case, they could’ve made this story play out with more nuances instead of devoting so much of a short season to it to the detriment of our stable cast.

Buck had an amazing start of the season, finding himself and his truth and sharing it with his family. The fact that they had him entering the dating scene with a character like T*mmy... I didn't like that. Any random person would've been better. But, also, I don't wanna be that person but this is my blog so I'm gonna be: Oliver clearly hadn't been enjoying the latest interactions between these characters to the point where their scenes, few as they were, were actually hard to watch. The last one was literally the most cringe inducing moment of TV I've ever witnessed. Instead of Buck exploring himself, we have him reacting to the odd, negative and out of place comments that T*mmy keeps throwing his way. It's just weird and not at all the happy story Oliver was hoping for, so I get him. I hope this gets better next season, with BT being bones and Buck being able to thrive instead of falling back into a revamped awful dating life.

On the other hand, this season was the Buddiest of them all. Well, I mean, it had the most hints of it actually happening at some point. When Buck talked about there being underlying sexual tension in the premiere, it was just ashslgjñhjsdñgjsñdg. They were comparing Chris's interactions with girl friends and boy friends but we all know that wasn't all that was. We had Eddie talking about how much growth Buck had done from being a playboy, which funnily enough he never got to meet, to the person he's today. Another great indicator were the whole 100th/101st episodes, with Buck clearly wanting to get Eddie's attention due to jealousy, which everybody could see, and the ~reveal that the episode was from Buck’s POV which was also incredible because that man was so in love with Eddie, it’s just insane. But, even most importantly maybe, was Maddie's scene with Buck... It was a mirror of her calling him out on his guy crush on Eddie from season 2, with the circled with a heart around it, but the next episode it got real. To me, her words and her face spoke volumes: first she couldn’t believe Buck was with Eddie’s friend, then she told him he might not be sure of his own feelings and finally that if there’s something he needs to tell Eddie, he will, just in his own time. That was NOT about Buck being bisexual, it was Maddie reading right what Buck was reading wrong: how Buck had been jealous because of the way he feels about Eddie and how he was putting his feelings for Eddie into somebody else. Someone safe for the time being, all things considered. That's a thread waiting to be pulled when the right time comes if I ever saw one! I've been giddy just thinking about it ever since, tbh. We also had a Buddie scene in pretty much every episode, and I absolutely adored them in the bachelor party because they were so in sync, as they were all season long actually. The parallel of Eddie asking for Buck’s help at the end was nice as just that, but the story... I’ll rant about it later. I love that Oliver has been pushing the Buddie agenda harder than ever, so I'm hoping he's talking Ryan's ear off about it and that they'll demand it from Tim soon enough.

Onto Eddie, the problem with the whole Kim thing actually starts because they killed Shannon in the first place. They should've never done that, I've always thought this way. She was a great character and seeing Eddie co-parent with his ex would've been great storytelling, he could've still had a breakdown due to divorcing her or even her dating again or whatever. Besides the insanity of Kim going back to his house after learning the truth, the fact that Eddie broke down and caved in was understandable. I actually thought that was pretty well done. The problem was all that followed. We don't care about Marisol because the show never made us care about her, so her part in all of this was completely irrelevant.

As for Chris, I honestly have SO many issues with his reaction. Him being confused would only be right, but being that mad with Eddie? I honestly feel like I'm missing something because the two of them developed such a strong relationship that it felt like Chris's reaction was totally OOC. Why wouldn't Chris want to know Eddie's side of the story? Why would he want to leave his dad and his house? Why would he want to leave the state? Why would he want to go live with his grandparents? Sure, he had a good relationship with them at that point, but we can only gather that by... imagining it, for the most part. How long since they been around? Why not mention that they were visiting or that Chris was with them when he was away to set the stage? It honestly felt like it was all improvised and they wanted to leave Eddie without Chris and this was all they could come up with. There were other ways that could've actually made more sense to get to this place, but they chose to do it in a way that's both hurtful to the characters and to their progression throughout the seasons. Make it make sense!!! There's also the fact that the finale script was all written under the assumption that Eddie and Kim were kissing when Chris showed up. That didn't actually make the cut. This is clearly a consequence of rushed scripts and filming schedules, and while we can interpret every scene saying they kissed as an exaggeration or simply a wrong interpretation of the situation, it actually made me very mad. Having characters rehash what happened the episode before so the people who missed it can catch up is normal but I hated it with my whole heart. Those people can go to hell, but if they're gonna spend time of the finale doing that, the least they could do was make the facts factual. Sure, Eddie was going insane and he said it was hard to explain but everyone in-show very much believed that Eddie had kissed Kim. This was upsetting because of the exact reason why that kiss was cut, as said by Ryan in an interview this week.

On top of this, Chris’s 13 years old. Eddie letting him go was not it. Eddie had every right to tell him he's staying whether he liked it or not because he's his father and he got to decide where he lives. The show tried to make the whole thing come out as noble but I thought it was bullshit. From what we know about Eddie, he wouldn't just let him go: he would either tell Chris to stay put or go with him. The fact that, again, they clearly wanted to have Eddie alone for whatever reason, and they couldn't find a better way to pull it off... that's just bad on TPTB's part.

Hen and Karen were put through hell once more for no reason. Why can't the big obstacle for them be simply getting through Mara? Why do they have to get to a good place only for it to be ripped away? Don't say it's drama tv, I don't care, people on screen deserve happiness, damn it! They most of all, tbh, and the fact that Denny was so upset just made it 5464641636469 worse. Then we had Madney helping out, which was lovely but completely unrealistic from a legal pov and also... why can't HenRen just get what they want without a het couple's intervention? So Ortiz had enough power to get Mara away from them but she didn't know that the people wanting to foster her were part of the 118 even though she had something to do with Gerrard being reinstated? I know this was what Tim implied on his socials to explain why someone as shitty as Gerrard would be taken back by the firehouse... which, I don't know if that even makes sense? Does she have the kind of power to do any of this?

A lot of questions now:

Why was a random woman given so many precious minutes of the finale just so Athena could have a car to go after an innocent man? Why does she keep getting away with asking for personal favors, recklessly involving Maddie too?

Why wouldn't the editor of the episode give us a full body frame at least of Buddie by Bobbie's hospital bed? This made me particularly mad because it actually looked like Oliver and Ryan were not there filming (though we knew they were), and that's why they kept showing their backs.

Maybe they had lines, maybe not, but a few seconds while Chim, Hen and Maddie talked would've been nice... since it clearly seemed like nobody was particularly perturbed by Bobbie's state.

I'm sorry but I can't fear for his life when his wife is away trying to get revenge and his team are just... there.

Also, why are him, Athena, the aforementioned neighbor and Amir allowed to just walk into a house that suffered that much fire damage? Wouldn't the structure be compromised?

Plus, Athena and Bobbie kinda were awful to Amir, first killing his wife and then accusing him and all, so why would he want to talk about anything with Bobbie, nevermind say he's earned his family? He was wronged so badly, he didn't owe them a thing, it's honestly ridiculous.

Then Bobby came back so fast... but he had quit before and forgot about it?

The Gerrard reveal was actually not something I hated because I love a good shake up. I bet he'll last three episodes at most.

We know this isn't gonna be good exactly, and it makes zero sense, but a change in dynamics is always refreshing and could put some things into perspective.

I hated when Buddie weren't partnered, but I ADORED the way Hen was weirded the fuck out by the closeness she is not used to having with Chim while on the field, so I can't wait for some of it.

Things I wanna see:

More May, more Ravi, Eddie’s sisters.

More Buddie.

No dating people to fill up time for either of them.

Eddie’s gay/demi awakening (I swear, if this is not where his story is going, it will all feel like such a waste, much like during his previous breakdown).

Chris and Mara going back home soon.

Gerrard and Ortiz getting what they deserve.

This is so long it's insane, if you've read it, I thank you. If I think of anything I forgot, I'll add it later. If you have anything to contribute, please do. I'm around and I'd love to discuss this show and all its intricacies.

#911 ABC #911 #Buddie #Buck and Eddie #Eddie Diaz #Evan Buckley #911 Meta #Oliver Stark #Ryan Guzman #Christopher Díaz #911meta #realchemistry #tbtl #honestly Tim is responsible for a lot of heartbreak re: Angel #so I'm mostly expecting that but this season had a nice beginning to it and then...#downhill in many ways #let your characters be happy #we have enough sadness in life as it is #I didn't proofread it so... have fun with those insane tenses changes

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katyawriteswhump · 11 months ago

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The power of love pt 6 (steddie, stobin, steve whump fic)

Steve has a habit of surviving near death experiences then getting sick for no reason. And Eddie and those fatal bat bites? After an impossible feat of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from Steve, he’s mysteriously fixed. So, Eddie’s back to being banished, this time with Steve and Robin in tow. Eddie’s healing, but Steve isn’t… and life gets even more confusing, when Eddie develops feelings for Steve, which aren’t entirely unrequited.

Part one Part two Part three Part four Part Five Part Seven Part eight Part Nine Part Ten Part 11 Part 12

Steve POV

“Hey!” shouts Steve, the next morning, as Robin hauls a mass of supplies onto her back. “What do you think you’re doing?”

He half-runs, half-skids down the slippery rocks outside the cave. He tries to wrest the pack from her. She turns sharply, and he loses his grip.

“Steve, chivalry sucks and should’ve died in the Middle Ages.”

“What? I’m not being—”

“I can totally manage! Most of its bedding, and Eddie’s got half the water. You’re sick, remember?”

He rakes his fingers through the hair he’s just wrested into some sort of sub-standard shape. “Honestly, I’m good.”

Honestly, he feels dead rough, though better than yesterday. Anybody would feel achy after a night in some dingy cave. Even with Eddie Munson’s lap as a pillow.

Not that he spent the whole night there. Hell, no.

He woke up with Eddie spooning him from behind, Eddie’s chin tucked on his shoulder. Which screwed him up big-time. Fortunately, Robin was also cuddled up with him, which… helped. Yeah, he’d been kinda nestled on her boobs, but it wasn’t intentional. And it was Robin, and she’d laughed when he’d apologized.

Thinking about snuggles with Eddie is waaaay more problematic—underlined by the swift and silent fashion they’d extracted themselves from each other, both apparently awakening simultaneously.

Both far too groggy to deal.

Almost as bad, he can’t recall exactly what he’d said to the guy last night. He’s pretty damn sure he made an idiot of himself.

He’s still squirming when they set off, neither he nor Eddie having exchanged more than a passing word. Steve insists on taking his turn with the luggage, as well as using the compass and reading the sky. He’s terrible at it, mainly because squinting at the bright sun gives him an epic headache. He ends up walking behind with Robin, while Eddie disappears off ahead.

“By my reckoning, we took twice as long as we should’ve to reach those caves yesterday,” says Steve to Robin. “Do we really trust him with this pathfinding shit?”

“He’s shockingly decent at it. Not sure I trust him with you. Or vice versa.”

Steve stops dead. He can’t cope with walking and with any Eddie-Munson-related bombshells. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, come on! I could carve the sexual tension between you two with a knife then sculpt a little love-heart with it. He literally can’t stop flirting with you.”

“That’s total bull. Eddie flirts with everyone.”

“Uh… no. He really doesn’t. I mean, without belittling your troubles, I wish my love life had ever presented me with such straightforward opportunities.”

He facepalms. “Oh Christ, I’m sorry. I-I just can’t right now.” He pushes his increasingly sweaty hair from his eyes. God, he’d kill for a shower. And why didn’t Eddie pack more hairspray?

“Steve?” She hooks her arm through his, and they trudge on together.

“Okay, I surrender. I like him.” He sighs. Why do they seem to be walking forever uphill? “I don’t see how he can be into me, how I’ve been the past few days, and I’m not sure I want to go there. Period. And before you lecture me, it’s not because I think being gay is bad, you know that. It’s because… I honestly don’t know what I am.”

“You’re bi, Steve,” says Robin, very quietly.

“Yeah, and it’s a lot to get my thick head around.”

“You’re not thick, you know—"

“Whatever.” He swipes his wrist across his brow. “We’ve talked this over a billion times. I really don’t need any more meaningless sexual relationships.”

“Why would it be? You reckon you wanna jump his bones, and it’ll flush him out of your system?”

Steve pauses again. Robin’s questions stab his brain, and yet… He finds he can answer the last one, easy enough. “No,” he says. “I don’t want that. I mean, I got urges to be with him, but it feels different… from Nance or whatever.”

“That’s ’cos he’s a dude.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Slowly, they walk on again, both breathing hard. “You know, I’ve had fantasies and stuff, but they were just that, and…” I want Eddie to jump my bones and... Oooookay, that’s a revelation he didn’t want to deal with this morning, on top of the rest of the shit. “Why are we discussing this now?”

“Because the pair of you are driving me ment—"

A loud roar scythes through the quiet woodlands. Steve barely hears Robin’s terrified squeak. He grabs her bodily, makes a dive for the undergrowth. A chopper passes low overhead, setting the trees shaking, the ground juddering. They’ve landed hard—on Steve’s injured side—and bracken prods everywhere. Extra bruises and scratches, however, are the least of his concerns.

Another large chopper is about to pass directly overhead.

Eddie! Has he been spotted? Are they all about to be rounded up and frogmarched straight to jail? Steve crouches, squints ahead and realises the forest thins out into a clearing. There are only bushy tree stumps, no real cover. The sky above is clear as summer… and he still can’t see Eddie.

Steve’s desperate to sprint on, to find him. However, even hunkered down, he starts to feel sick. Jesus, not now! He squeezes his eyes tight; squeezes Robin tighter, kinda prays, because he’s that desperate. He’d do anything to protect them both. Anything. Anything! Pleeeease? Apart from he can’t hardly breathe, let alone move. There’s a freaky-ass electric crackling in his head, and he’s on the verge of…

Steve blacks out, but only momentarily. He slams a palm to the earth, stopping himself crumpling.

The roar lessens, as the second chopper forges on. A third follows noisily in its wake. Steve glances up. A thick cloud has settled, low enough to obscure the top of the trees.

“Do you think they saw us?” asks Robin, when it’s quiet enough to be heard.

“Nah,” says Steve, forcing himself to think straight. “It’s military, heading toward Hawkins. Bet they didn’t even look down.”

“If they did,” says Robin, “that cloud couldn’t have arrived at a better time.” They extract themselves from the foliage. Robin offers Steve a hand, which he ignores, clambering up himself. “I mean, it’s beyond nuts. The sky was blue—totally clear—a moment ago.”

She folds her arms, narrows her eyes.

He tosses a hand up, exasperated. “What are you driving at, Robin?”

“I don’t know. Weird shit is afoot.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. Jesus, is Eddie, like, taking a slash or something?”

They both yell his name, while Steve surreptitiously checks his bandages. Blood hasn’t soaked through them, so that’s one thing. He’s even more relieved, when Eddie comes thrashing back through the trees.

“That was waaay too close.” Eddie’s totally spooked, and Steve restrains a burning desire to both hug him and pick out the dry leaves that have gotten stuck in his hair. “Is this logger camp really such a great idea? I mean, we’re rounding back on ourselves—getting closer to Hawkins again.”

“I reckon it’s sound.” Steve rolls his shoulders back with a click. “It’d be beyond tricky to land a chopper round here. Too many trees and slopes. If this place we’re heading for is as remote as we hope, it’ll be impossible there.”

“You sound better,” says Eddie, eyes narrowing, like Robin’s had.

“That’s because I am, moron.” Unable to withstand Eddie’s sudden intensity, he turns to Robin. Who remains staring at him, pretty much the same.

He wants to yell, What now? On the other hand, he is indeed feeling more himself. He might test the waters concerning his ‘thing’ with Eddie. Not with Robin AND Eddie gawking at him, like he’s some kinda freak.

Sure, he’s thought about what Robin said concerning Lover’s Lake—about him asking to go there when he was sick. He really doesn’t want to think too hard on it. Yeah, he’s had a couple of close calls there, and yeah, there’s a gate to the Upside Down in Lover’s Lake, but there wasn't always one, and...

“Look, if you two have a problem with me, I really wish you’d come clean.”

“No problem,” says Robin, perhaps a little too quickly.

Frustration flushes through Steve. "Be honest with me, Robin."

"I am! It's just... what with supernatural creepiness swallowing our lives on an apocalyptic scale, I'm so hugely relieved you're okay. It's hard to trust in anything good being real these days."

Yeah, he buys that, and he sure as heck trusts her, plus Eddie's nodding vigorously. He believes them. Maybe too readily, but he does.

Then he hears it—the merest rustle in the undergrowth. Followed by the patter of footfalls. On reflex, he slams into Eddie, hustles him behind the nearest thick-trunked tree. They tumble to the ground, Steve on top. You were wrong, Harrington. Those choppers landed men after all, and… Shit, Robin!

She hasn��t followed. He straddles Eddie’s upper thighs, straining to see. He hears her cry out, “Oh my God, they’re so pretty!”

A bunch of brown deer streak by, their fluffy white bottoms flashing behind them. Doubtless, the chopper spooked them too.

Steve’s jaw drops. Flat on his back beneath Steve, Eddie hoots, sweeping his hair from his mouth: “Thanks for saving me from Bambi, dude.”

Yeah, he’s mocking him. Eddie’s laugh is still totally delicious. Their troubles forgotten, Steve retaliates with his best dreamboat smile. “You’re welcome. I’m at least 2-1 up again in the lifesaving game, huh?”

“The world is back to rights, Harrington.”

Steve leans closer, revelling in Eddie’s laughing eyes, mesmerised by that gleaming smile... This is where we kiss, right?

A twinge of pain, and the effort of disguising it, totally throws him. He lifts his butt from Eddie’s thighs, then offers Eddie his hand. Which Eddie takes. The strain of tugging sets perspiration dripping from his brow.

“My eternal saviour.” Eddie affects a silly bow. Robin laughs too.

Steve dabs his eyes: “We did that joke, Munson.” He slings his pack up over his shoulder and motions them onwards: “Come on, Princesses. Let’s go, let’s go.”

Part 7

...

tags: @estrellami-1 @kal-ology (thank you, thank you, thank you!) If anybody else would like to be tagged on this fic or any of my writing, please let me know :) Reblogs, comments and likes also very much appreciated :) Thank you for reading so far :)

(also part of my steve whump fic series on AO3)

#steddie #steve harrington whump #steddie fic #steve harrington x eddie munson #steve harrington #stobin #stobin fanfic #steve x eddie #steddie fanfic #stranger things fanfic #platonic stobin #stobin friendship #steve harrington hurt/comfort #steve harrington hc #steve harrington fanfic #eddie munson lives

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ask-olive-huchers · 2 months ago

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☆•~“Empty thoughts fill my head.”~•☆ ((Yaaayy olive angst!!))

WARNING: mentions of d3@th, $uicid@! thoughts, and other sensitive subjects.

The morning was cold and grouchy. It had rained all of last night. The water had seeped in through the leaky roof, causing a few damp spots to appear overnight. That’s not really why Olive was upset, however. I’ll let you in on a little secret..

Olive never liked themselves. Sure, there were moments where they felt proud and confident, but those quickly fade once the phrase is over. Why do you think they’re so damn loud? Though, the thoughts were definitely imprinted into their head, as well. By all kinds of people in their lives. Mother, Father, Strangers outside. Always telling them “don’t be so upset, let it roll off your back” or “relax, it’s not a big deal”. It had never been that easy for them. For as long as they could remember.

It seemed like almost everyday, they’d be pissed off, yelling at the nearest person who fucked with them. But today, however, was a bit different. The only anger that was inflicted was- well,

Was on themselves. It wasn’t all self rage, though. A bit of insecurity and lack of actual confidence was mashed in there. Especially since- well, since their eye was sorta..

..not..working, anymore? Yeaahhh, it’s safe to say they went blind in one of their eyes. Which, actually- really fuckin’ sucked.

Olive was balled up, hidden under their blanket. Like usual, I suppose. A couple muffled sniffles can be heard. along with a pathetically cracked voice. A couple of sad hiccups follow. It wasn’t hard to tell, Olive wasn’t accepting this fact easily.

And this certainly wasn’t helping with their self hatred problem.

They so desperately just wanted to disappear. Vanish, go missing. They didn’t wanna be here anymore. Olive hopes every day, someone would just- end their suffering. Cut their throat, suffocate them to death. Toss them off a Cliff, push them in-front of a moving car.

They wanted to die.

So, so badly.

Life has no point if the people they love and care about aren’t apart of it. Olive hadn’t heard from anyone in weeks. Did they even care about them? Or were the visits out of pity?

That’s what they started believing. No one could even care about them. They weren’t capable of having a real family. Real friends.

…they didn’t deserve it.

And Skipp. Why hadn’t he come visit? Olive couldn’t blame him, though. Who would ever find interesting in a blood- covered murderer?

They knew they deserved this. I mean, obviously. Anyone with common sense would agree.

But-..they couldn’t help but wonder..

What would it be like if none of this would have happened..?

After a couple more minutes of pathetically weeping under a blanket, they emerged. Messy bed head hair, red puffy eyes, it was the definition of sad, really. How embarrassing.

They sniffled, using their one good eye to look down at their ends. They remembered how they were covered in blood, once.

…sometimes, they wished it were their own.

Olive stands up. Their legs weak from all the sitting and lying down. They limp to the wall, sliding down it. Olive let their head rest against the cold brick, letting out a long and shaky sigh.

They knew they’d escape, soon.

..at least, in some sort of way.

So..all they could do was wait. Wait, wait, wait, and wait some more. Before their time had come. Sooner or later, anyway. They had a feeling mercy wasn’t in option, so..

..i guess they were waiting for death to come take them. And if they are being honest?

They didn’t hate that idea one bit.

#MY BAD MY HAND MUST’VE SLIPPED!!#<33 #tw: sucidal thoughts #tw: sensitive topic #Tw: mentions of death #ramshackle #ramshackle au #ramshackle oc #ramshackle olive #yikes

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watchmegetobsessed · 1 year ago

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hello guys!

i thought i would pop in and tell you guys a little about where im at, i’ve been meaning to make this post for a while and i had a very emotional night yesterday which i feel like was a major point for me.

im going through a quite rough patch, mentally/emotionally its one of those times when im just really drained, i need to deal with things that i’ve been pushing away for a long time and it’s pretty much consuming me in a way that affects my creativity. you have surely noticed that i have barely posted anything lately and its not that my drafts look better, i can’t get myself to write more than a few sentences and i always end up hating those as well.

its always lingering above me, the guilt that i haven’t given you anything new and yall are probably expecting something and right now i just can’t give you anything. so to ease my stress i just wanted to let you guys know that from now on im considering myself being on a break, i don’t want to add writing to my list of stress factors and i want to be honest and transparent with you. i have no idea how long it’s gonna take but im sure i will be back on track at one point, i always am.

i won’t be disappearing from here, the writing part will be on hold but i will keep popping in occasionally and chat and reblog stuff, and bore yall with my work crush updates hehe by the way he’s been a big part of what im going through rn, he is giving me an unexpected but well appreciated help these days, its more than what i got in a very long time

so this is what i wanted to tell you guys, i hope you understand my decision and i really hope i will be back to my old shine soon

love you

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acopenhagenarmy · 1 year ago

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RESPECT - CHAPTER THREE

Pairing: BTS x reader but mostly hyung-line x reader Side pairings: Jimin x Taehyung, Jimin x Ateez!Wooyoung, reader x Ateez!Seonghwa

Mafia!au - gang!au - assassins!au

Word count: 4k ish

Warnings: Mentions of death, nudity and sex apart from that some strong language. And I think that’s it for now..

Summary: Growing up in one of the biggest and most feared mafias has it’s perks, but what happens when you and you’re friends are suddenly shipped off to the other end of the world? Will you stay together or will the world you live in tear you all apart?

NOTE: THIS IS THE UPDATED VERSION OF MY HEART RUNS TO YOU

-> NEXT CHAPTER

RESPECT

You woke up the following morning after a good night's sleep, something you were incredibly grateful for, because today was the day of your first classes. You didn’t quite know exactly what you’d be learning in this school. Whenever you or the boys had asked your father in the past, the answer had always been: “You’ll find out one day”

A quick shower later and you were out the door, walking straight for Jimin’s room as usual. It was a little weird that you wouldn’t be heading for the gym, as you’ve done every morning for as long as you could remember. But you guessed it would be best to get a new routine as long as you were here, maybe the two of you would grab a coffee each morning like every other normal pair of siblings in their start twenties? No, that didn’t really sound like the two of you…

You knocked on the door one time, which was quickly opened by a very bare chested Jungkook. He was beautiful, there was no denying that. He had a body that looked like it was shaped by the gods. And even though you’d seen it a million times before, during and after workouts, it still made your breath hitch.

“Good morning Y/N!” He took a step aside to make room for you to enter their shared room. You looked around the space, it was bigger than yours, but then again, they were two people so that was only fair.

“Jimin is styling his hair, he’s been in the bathroom for ten minutes, so I guess he’ll be done in five” He laughed a little at his own statement, Jimin was known for being the late one and even more known for his hair.

“Fuck you Kookie!” You could hear your brother yell from the bathroom.

You sat down on one of the beds as you watched Jungkook as he got dressed.

“How did you sleep Kook?” You ran your hand over the tiger stripes on your arm, calming some of the nerves you had for the upcoming day.

He shrugged.

“Okay I guess… It’s kind of weird sleeping in another bed, but I guess I’ll get used to it. How about you?”

“Pretty good, but then again I think my massive hangover, the jetlag and so on had something to with it”

Jungkook finally put on a shirt as he ruffled his hair a little, something he had learned always made you a little sheepish.

“I guess sleep was what you needed then”

Jimin then entered the room making the both of you look his way.

“Hey you, what are you doing here?” He walked over and placed his hand on your shoulder as he squeezed it a little. The two of you had what people would call the twin gene, you always knew when something was bothering the other, even if you weren’t in the same room.

“I don’t know to be honest. It just feels weird to break our morning routine, so I just figured we could do something before class starts. I like that your face is the first I see every morning”

He gave you a big smile, one of those that made his eyes disappear into crescent moons.

“I would love that Y/N”

You knew that he would agree before you asked, but somehow you were still relieved. You could almost physically feel some of the weight lift from your shoulders. Make you release a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding in.

“So, what should we do then? I mean we can’t just sit around, that’s not really our style” Jimin said.

“How about we go out and explore some of this gigantic building, and figure something out?”

“You got yourself a deal sis!”

When you stepped into the gym for your first class you couldn’t help the smile that spread across your lips. The giant hall looked very similar to the gym you had left back home. The boxing equipment hung in the ceiling and on the walls, as well as the ring that was placed in the center of the room.

A man walked in and stood in front of the class, taking in every one of the young and eager people that stood before him.

“Listen up people! Every day, from now until the day you leave this place, will start here. The first three hours of every day will begin in this hall. This is the only place in this entire city you can beat the living shit out of each other and not get in trouble for it”

He was a giant, at least two meters tall, and almost just as wide, he had biceps that almost looked bigger than Jungkook’s thighs. An impressive sight, one that made you smirk a little. But unlike those doe-eyed women in your class it wasn’t because of his looks your eyes sparkled, no, a man like that had perfected his skill, and you were honored to learn from the very best.

“Pair up people, two and two and warm up”

You could see the spark in Jungkook’s eyes as he dragged Hobi to the nearest punching bag. He had a jump in his walk when he was happy.

You turned towards Jimin, as he held out his fist for you to bump, he smiled, and you returned it instantly.

“I guess we’ve found our morning routine after all, huh?”

You laughed as you quickly wrapped your hands to protect them from the possible injuries, and unlike most of the people in the hall, the two of you did it in mere seconds.

“Yeah we sure have” you laughed, but as your sentence ended you threw a punch towards your brother's face, one he stopped a centimeter before your fist would’ve broken his nose.

“You’re just as big a bitch in the morning in New York as you are in Seoul”

“Don’t worry brother, I’ll be in a much better mood after I kick your ass a few times the next few hours”

You quickly redirected your other arm to aim for his gut, another punch he avoided quite easily. Causing the both of you to smile. The two of you fought in the sidelines of the gym, just like you would’ve done at home, warming up the bodies and teasing whenever the other was too slow to block a punch.

And not far away stood Taehyung, daydreaming as he watched how your bodies moved. He had never been a big fan of hand to hand combat. He understood the importance of knowing how to defend yourself without a weapon, but weapons were his thing!

Taehyung was what his members called a trigger-happy man-child. He always had a minimum of five weapons on him, and every single one of them was hidden. He might not be a geek when it came to computers like Yoongi, or a poison master like Seokjin. But he knew his weapons, and he had a serious doubt that he would ever be caught in a situation where he would be without one.

“Look at him, he’s pathetic” a curly haired man close to him said to his friend.

“Shawn, please stop, will you?”

At no point did Tae realize that the two men, standing only a few meters away, were talking about him. You and your brother had his full attention and he was captured in another world, a world of beauty, bruises and blood.

“Does he seriously think he’ll ever have a chance with her? I mean she’s the most powerful woman in all of Asia, if not the world! Does he really think he’d ever stand a chance? She’s the kind of woman who would eat him for breakfast, and not in a hot kind of way”

Jungkook and Hoseok both stood close enough to overhear the talk between the two men, and as much as they both felt sorry for the Kim’s maknae, there was no way in hell they were gonna blow their cover to save his pride and reputation.

Shawn clearly had an opinion about you, and as your men it was their job to figure out if this guy was your friend or enemy. And up until now he didn’t leave either of them with a very good impression.

“He might just be admiring their combat style?”

“Seriously? Because I really don’t think so. Someone should do something, get him to redirect his creepy eyes somewhere else ”

“She doesn’t really strike me as the type of woman that needs saving Shawn”

“She does, they all do in the end. She’s a woman for god sakes! God I can't wait until her father marries her off to someone. Then maybe we’ll be able to strike a deal with them”

“But isn’t it her father who runs the business now? A man?"

Shawn sighed. “It is but he must be some kind of imbecile if he wants a woman to follow in his footsteps”

Hoseok cleansed his jaw as a raging fire took over his eyes. He stared at the man before him, and if eyes could kill, Shawn had been dead right then and there. Jungkook looked at his friend with concern.

Just as his brother, Jungkook could feel the rage in his veins, but he was much better at containing it. He had practiced that since his first fight. His emotions were put into his fighting, every single drop of rage, jealousy and lust was redirected into every punch of his opponent’s face.

Hoseok took a step forward, set out to give this person a piece of his mind. The only thing stopping him was Jungkook’s hand on his chest, stopping him in his tracks.

“Don’t do it Hobi, he’s not worth it and we both know that Y/N wouldn’t like us meddling in her business”

Hoseok's eyes had so much hate in them. His love for you was known by everyone except you, his need for you was bigger than his need for the air in his lungs. He wanted to protect you from everyone and everything, his life’s mission was to keep you safe. So this scenario was killing him.

A person falling to the ground was what dragged the boys from their discussion, and at the other end of the hall they saw Jimin now laying on the floor. The laugh that followed made every man and woman in the room stop and stare.

It was a laughter so contagious most of those who’ve heard it now had giant grins painted on their lips. Jungkook glanced towards Shawn, even he was affected even though he did his best to hide it.

“Imagine that Justin, getting your ass handed to you by a girl. Do you think he falls to the ground because she’s his leader or because she’s a girl?” Shawn said.

What he didn’t think of was the fact that the hall had been almost completely quiet after you had beat Jimin’s ass to the ground, so words that had previously been muffled were now clearly heard by everyone.

Jungkook had in a millisecond pushed Hobi out of his way and had now Shawn’s neck in the palm of his hand as he pushed the American boy towards the nearest wall. He was strong but had no intention of hurting Shawn, it was not up to him how he was punished. It was up to you.

You slowly walked towards the man who had dared to disrespect you in public. “That was a very sexist statement sir” You said loudly. “You don’t think that a woman would be able to beat a man in hand to hand combat? It makes me wonder what you teach your women”

“That is none of your business” Shawn spat back.

“You’re right, it’s really not. But you’re either crappy at training them, or maybe they just pull their punches to not burst you and your mens ego’s. Which is it?”

“Neither, it’s a biological fact that men are stronger than women, that men are born to lead!” He yelled.

You found his anger amusing. There was nothing he could say that you hadn’t heard before. Nothing that he could say that would make you lose your composure.

“Then how about I show you how it’s done?”

Jungkook loosened his grip which made Shawn clutch his neck with his hands. His gesture made Jungkook smile. Trust me if I wanted to I would’ve left a mark. He thought to himself.

You took your stance, shifting your weight from one foot to the other, bouncing on the ground as your hands were held up to protect your face.

“Sure you don’t need your guard dog to protect you? I mean it looks like you keep him and the rest of your bitches on a tight leash” Shawn said as he lifted his hands to a defense position. Before he could even blink, your fist had made contact with his nose and broken it.

It started bleeding right away, and Shawn fell to the ground.

“See if you were my brother I wouldn’t have broken your nose, cause I want him to be able to go out into the world and find himself a lover or 10 in each city. You however? Well I don’t care for you or what happens to your nose. I do, however, hope your family has a good plastic surgeon on speed dial, cause no average doctor will be able to fix that monstrosity back to its former ‘glory’”

You squatted down in front of him as he tried to stop the bleeding with his hands, as his back leaned against the wall.

“You Shawn, need to learn respect. And I suggest you learn it quickly, or else this won't be the last time my fist want to flirt with the bones in your skull”

You stood up and walked away from him, straight towards Jungkook. He looked as proud as he deserved to be, after all he was the one who had taught you everything you knew when it came to hand to hand combat. You were almost as good as him. Almost.

“See this is what I mean when I say women shouldn’t control dynasties or mafias. They can never control their emotions” He yelled after you.

In a swift motion, Jungkook had pulled his knife from his belt, and you quickly caught onto its handle before spinning around, sending the knife flying towards Shawns head.

The knife bored into the wall right behind him, trimming a few centimeters on the top of his head, barely missing his skin.

“Run off little boy, before I decide to show you what I can do with my katana”

You walked directly up to the instructor and gave him a 90 degree bow. He smiled at you as he nodded, and you quickly left the gym, your three men following only a few steps behind.

You collapsed on the floor right outside the door that led to your room. It was as if your legs refused to carry you any longer. Jimin was quickly by your side, taking your hand in his and squeezing it.

“That was amazing sis” he said as he finally managed to make eye contact with you.

“You sure? You sure it wasn’t too much?” Hoseok sat on the opposite side of Jimin and pulled you close to him.

“No, it had the perfect amount of both violence and mercy. Everyone here will know better than to fuck with you, hell with any of us. At least for the time being”

Jungkook sat between your legs and rested his back against your chest. “I’m so proud of you. You did amazing out there, both with your fists and with the knife. For a second there I was a bit scared you might hit him in the eye socket with the blade. You are after all a lot more used to throwing a katana”

“Well… If I’m being honest I was aiming for his shoulder” You said in a low tone of voice

Jungkook quickly sat up and looked at you in shock. After a few seconds of complete silence the four of you broke down in laughter.

“Oh my god, that is just brilliant!” Jimin said as he wiped away a tear.

As you laughed, each of you dropped all the walls you usually had up whenever you were in public. In this moment you were friends having fun and nothing else. Namjoon had no intentions of sneaking up on either of you, but you were all so caught up in the moment you didn't register him.

He admired your ability to let loose, to have fun. Only a very few were able to do that in your line of work. He couldn’t help but notice just how the three men were glued to you, it was as if they only existed for you. Each of them had to be as physically close to you as they could. They offered their bodies for you to lean on. It was beautiful to watch. And Namjoon had no doubt in his mind that they would all lay down their lives to protect you. Just as his brothers would for him.

“It really was amazing” his deep voice interrupted you, made you all go quiet and your bodies instantly stiffened. For a second you had forgotten where you were. In the halls of the academy, not at home where you were safe from looming and watchful eyes.

“Please don’t stop on my account. It’s nice seeing you guys like this. It humanizes you all a bit”

He smiled, a genuine smile, one that you couldn’t help but return.

“But your men are right, Park. Very few would be able to handle that scenario as gracefully as you did”

You quickly stood up, leaving them alone on the floor.

“Why did you follow us, Namjoon?”

“I wanted to thank you” He said as his smile grew even wider.

“Thank me?” You were confused, but returned his smile nonetheless. It was contagious.

“You might not be aware of it, but all of this could’ve been avoided if Tae was a little better at… Well not daydreaming”

"Tae? Blue haired naked boy?” You asked as you looked towards Hoseok and Jungkook. They both nodded as a respons.

“He was quite smitten with you during your workout,” Hoseok said.

“If I’m being honest, I think he was more smitten with Jimin, he is his usual type” He sent a wink towards your brother and Jimin quickly hid his blushing cheeks behind his bangs as Jungkook pushed him a little.

You smiled at their banter. He would never hear the end of this. Not as long as any of you had a say in it.

“If he had not been daydreaming this could’ve all been avoided. I’ll make sure to talk to him, set him straight so you won’t find yourself in a similar situation because of any of us at least”

You had no idea why, but his words sounded genuine, he made you believe you could trust both him and his people. They were as honest and respectful as they were dangerous and deadly. All qualities that were important in allies.

“Our fathers might disagree. But maybe it would be good for the 8 of us to look out for each other. I mean there could be worse things in this world. Plus we could learn a thing or two from one another?”

It was meant to be worded like a statement, but it was somehow worded like a question. One that made Namjoons smile grow even wider.

He would never admit it, but claiming you as an ally had been his goal for a few years. Never had he thought it would be as easily achieved. She’s gonna be one of the greatest leaders the world has ever seen.

“I would like that very much. Does that mean you’ll tell me your first name?”

“I haven’t even decided if I want you as my allies yet, and my name is only known to those I consider family”

You sent a wink his way, before turning your back to him and helping your friends off the floor.

Why is my heart beating so fast? You thought to yourself, doing your best to seem as indifferent as possible. What you didn’t know was that Namjoon thought the exact same thing.

The next few classes were relatively dull compared to how the day started. You were mainly shown around in different classrooms. Some were underground to dull the sound of gunshots, others were on the top of the building to grow the plants that could later be made into poison.

And before you knew it, it was time for lunch. The cafeteria was bigger than you’d expected, and it was full of life. Allies had met up and were gossiping about their first day as their eyes analyzed every person that walked past them. And you guys were no different.

As you walked through the halls people gave you approving nods. It was your second day here and you had almost won the respect of every leader in the room. Almost being the keyword.

Jimin and Jungkook had run into Taehyung and were currently waiting patiently in line for their lunch, acting like a bunch of children that had known each other their whole lives. Jin and Namjoon stood behind you, exchanging a word every now and then as they spotted someone they knew. And behind them stood Yoongi and Hoseok as they shared stories about the most idiotic people they had ever encountered. It felt nice that it wasn’t just the four of you. And it sent a strong signal to everyone in the room that neither the Kim’s or the Park’s were someone you wanted to fuck with.

All of the sudden the two doors to the room were kicked open and a short, curly haired girl walked into the room with her machete drawn. There was a fire burning in her eyes, she was out for revenge. And just as you thought: You’ve got to be kidding me. She yelled out: “Where the hell is that bitch?!”

The room fell quiet in an instant. One from her crew quickly ran after her as she said: “Please Camilla, just leave it. It’s not worth it!”

“Just shut up! No one gets to humiliate my man and live to tell the tale” She responded quickly.

Some people started to laugh at her statement, which only lit the fire under her. It didn’t take her long to find you.

“You!” She yelled as she pointed the tip of the machete at you.

“Me?” You asked and pointed at yourself.

“Who else you dumb bitch?! What the hell did you do to Shawn?” She asked.

You rolled your eyes. “I taught him a lesson. One his mother should’ve taught him years ago” you answered calmly.

A few laughs broke out in the cafeteria, most tried to muffle them with their hands, as to not draw too much attention to themselves. All except Taehyung that was.

“What are you laughing at you weirdo?” She asked the blue haired man.

“Ohhhhh no” You heard Namjoon say under his breath.

Taehyung didn’t speak instead his tongue poked the inside of his cheek and before you knew it, he had pulled two guns out of his jacket and pointed them towards Camilla.

“I dare you to say that again” He said as he took a few steps forward and turned his head to the side. He was out for blood, her blood, her people's blood, and you were confident he wouldn’t be satisfied before he had filled the Nile with the crimson fluid.

Camilla’s entourage quickly had their weapons pulled, which set off a chain reaction of swords, knives and guns being pulled by everyone in the cafeteria.

You stepped in front of Taehyung as Jin pulled his little brother back. Making him lower his weapon, and when he did so did everyone else. All except Camilla that was. Her machete was still pointed right at you.

You pulled your katana from its holster on your back and swung it a few times. You heard a very faint ‘Oh my god’ coming from a boy sitting a few tables. Riki Nishimura. Riki belonged to the Japanese Yakuza, and were good friends with you and Jimin's younger brothers, Jeongsang and Sunghoon. Hell the boys grew up together and in many ways you saw Riki, as an extra younger brother. Riki moved like a cat, and could steal anything from anyone. You weren’t surprised he had been accepted, despite the fact that he was only 17.

You bowed in the direction of where they were all seated, and all the men and women were quickly at their feet bowing back.

The Yakuzas weren't your allies, but you tolerated each other and sometimes even helped one another. They all stared at the blade you were holding, which didn’t surprise you, it was beautiful, and made by one of the best bladesmiths in the world. YoshiHara Yoshindo.

Quickly you turned your attention back at the fired up woman who was now only a meter or two away from the tip of your blade.

“Look, Camilla was it? I meant no disrespect to you or to Shawn, but I refuse to be spoken to like I’m lesser than a man. I would hope you of all people could understand that”

There was no riling her down, you’d known that since she kicked in her door. But you needed a reason to attack, you refused to be known as someone who acted irrational, to be known as a woman who couldn’t control her emotions when someone called her a bitch.

Everyone in that room needed to understand both for now and for the future that neither you, nor the men and women under your command, attacked without reason.

“Don’t talk to me like the two of us are the same, causes we’re not!” She spat back at you.

“Yeah, I’m slowly starting to see that” You answered. “What do you expect to get out of this?”

“I’m hoping that I’ll at least get to break that pretty nose of yours. An eye for an eye you know”

“That’s… fair I guess, but I hope that you can understand I won’t let you use me as a punching bag. I won’t roll over and give you what you want just because you asked for it”

She smiled at your statement. “Didn’t expect it any other way”

She yelled out and took off towards you, but only made it one step before you swung your katana. The sharp steel from your blade hit her machete.

You knew what wouldn’t happen, you wouldn’t hear the loud sound of metal hitting metal, cause her blade was not nearly as sharp as yours. Your katana sliced through metal like it was butter, parting the blade in two.

Her eyes reflected the shock she must’ve felt, and you quickly latched on to her arm, bringing the dull edge of your blade to her jawline. You had trapped her. One move from you and the metal would part her head from the rest of her body. But you weren’t interested in seeing her dead. You just wanted to make her understand that she was inferior to you, that you were on top. That you were everything she had ever hoped to be.

A little self absorbed? Maybe. Justified? Definitely.

“Take what’s left of your sword and leave me and my people alone, and tell your little boyfriend the same. I will let you live, but try one more thing, and I won’t be as merciful”

She pulled away from you and you loosened your grip to let her go, only leaving a small cut on her jawline as a warning.

I would like to be involved in your novel as a lover.

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thelolzblog · 2 years ago

Text

Putting the "Pen" in "Pencil"

I do not like to write with pencils. I will, when needed. I try to avoid it as much as possible, though. I’ve tried different “models” of mechanical pencils, including those that boasted pen-like casings that coworkers recommended. But none quite worked for me.

Until this week. Or weekend really. Let’s not get pedantic here.

I prefer pens, and a really good, smooth pen? *chef’s kiss* I have horrible handwriting, and I cramp up very easily (fingers, hands, wrist, you name it). But a really good pen can transcend its job as a writing instrument and become the tool that harmonizes your hand with the paper.

My primary pen of choice for over a decade has been the BiC Atlantis. Its price makes it more of an economy class model, but that’s okay because I need them in bulk so I can bring them to work, too. Additionally, my purse, bags, and desk drawers are where pens go to die — or at least hang out in limbo until they’re unearthed on the archaeological expeditions that are decluttering attempts.

Because of how much I prefer pens over pencils, I have always done crossword puzzles in pen. It’s not usually a problem, and I didn’t even think it was that big of deal until others pointed it out to me. I love crosswords. I love pens. It just made sense. (Semi-brag: friends have handed puzzles over to me they get stuck on so I can finish it.) I also have tons of crossword books, and they’re a great stress relief that also wakes your brain up — the good part, not the part that is going Chicken Little in the moment. Most are “easy” NY Times ones, and the one actual Sunday puzzle collection I bought was just too tricky for me to try and figure out. It now remains in my spare room just in case I need to rip it up for cat litter in an emergency.

A friend recently gave me a (very late) Christmas present: an NYT crossword book. Hooray! I kept it at work to do a couple clues between tasks to feed my ADHD and keep me going. However! These are medium-level puzzles. And they mean it! I realized after a few that doing them in pen was probably not the best thing anymore. It was time to admit my puzzle prowess was weakened. It was time to admit that I needed to get a good pencil. You always remember where you were when these kind of life turns happen, and I was at my desk wondering if my friend purposefully got me the harder book to mess with me.

But finding the right pencil for crosswords was…wait for it…the real puzzle to solve.

The search began, and unfortunately Google kept giving me results for pens that write like pencils, and not the other way around. (Okay, okay. We GET it. There are erasable pens. Papermate has been on top of that since I was in school. I’ve also used some that wrote well, but the erasing is really just applying heat through friction. Which means things disappear if your paper gets hot. ANYWAY.)

I just started searching on my next grocery order. BiC had some promising options — smooth and hard-to-break. The store ended up being out of one type, but they did have the .9 (thick) Velocity Max. I tried them, and they weren’t bad. The large eraser is convenient. It both comforts and mocks you: “We know you’re going to make huge mistakes, and we don’t want your arm to get tired trying to remove them. Here’s your big eraser, you big screw up!” They even come with extra lead and erasers. How thoughtful! The problem is the grip: the softer, gel-like part is too high. I did manage to slide it down lower. It looks odd, but it’s more comfortable. The bottom part is just too narrow and has nothing added to it for comfort. Not ideal, but doable. Even if one of the two colors they came in was orange, and we all know that orange is a color that tries too hard.

Luckily I tend to go into hyper obsessive research and testing mode. This usually just wastes my time away, but this time it came in handy! While looking online, I saw an item that I couldn’t help but add to my cart. A Wish List is no place for a pen like this. It was a 4-color BiC pen, with 3 ink colors and 1 option for pencil. It was a sleeker, multi-functional upgrade from those multi-colored pens I adored in childhood: it was the pen version of when the Power Rangers all put their vehicles together and made the big, large thing. Megazord. It was the Megazord. I couldn’t pull it out of my memory, but that’s to be expected from my pencil-for-crossword-needing old brain.

I am happy to report there was a fairy tale ending here. The good, non-messy kind that doesn’t leave a dead witch, giant, or talking wolf in its wake. (I can confirm no fantasy beings were harmed in the testing of these pens.) The grip on the 4-color pen is wide and feels great, much better than the Velocity model. The grip and lead make for a truly smooth writing experience, and I have tested it out on at least 10 crosswords at this point.

And what of the actual pen colors on it? This thing could’ve settled for just being a good pencil, but no. BiC said, “We don’t stop here. We keep going. We make this pen worth every penny.” Which was nice of them because it is not cheap, and it will run you between $5.50 to $7 — more than 1 dollar for each option. (They do throw in extra lead and erasers, just to note.) The width makes for a great writing experience for all colors. I actually used it at work yesterday to color code some notes, and it is definitely going to be in regular rotation for more than just the pencil part.

Very happy I purchased it, and I also bought some new highlighters. But that’s a review for another day.

#z writes things #this is literally a review on pens/pencils #but you asked for it #and by you #chicgeekgirl89 #sspaz1000

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loveyourlovelysoul · 1 year ago

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You don’t have to answer this but how long have you been trying to heal yourself maybe it’ll help me not feel so alone in my journey

Hey! I will answer you ofc, I don't have anything to hide. But... (I may be using "you" as a general you/y'all next)

First of all, I want you to keep in mind that there's not a fixed time-frame when it comes to healing, nor there's an age in which we do that. It's not like school and you need to start and end it in a certain amount of years/at a certain age to be considered "right" and "on time". There's not such a thing here. It takes the time you need as your own person: it depends on each one of us and our stories and how we deal with our feelings about our past in our present. And how it all reflects on our future (and anxieties about it). Honestly, it reasonably can take A LOT to reach a kinda mentally stable point, if you take a look at all this. I mean, it's BIG. You don't have to feel less or guilty if according to you it's taking you more than you thought or that you're supposed to. It's okay: also because the more you feel like you're needing to rush things or get to an end (I know it's painful but please hang in there and keep being patient cause it's gonna end, I promise you), or you feel inferior to others as they seem in a better position than you (you don't know their story nor when they started/how anyway, so please do not compare: surely there's someone who is feeling the same as you or about you even), the more stressed you'll be and the longer the process will take. The more we try to close chapters fastly with our past, to say "Okay I'm done here, next one", the more we'll find new triggers about the "same old thing"TM. And it's okay: to really understand, accept and realize what we went through, takes a lot of time and patience. It's not something we can learn and close over night. When it comes to our feelings it's never so. We may be spending, for example, months over a friend that moved on and suddenly disappeared from our life, pretending we didn't care (but the more we pretend and tell ourselves we don't care, the more it stays in our mind and heart), and that's okay: it means we need to realize something about that connection that we cannot accept and probably it's not just how it ended, but also something related to how it was, how we felt both on good days and bad days while we were in that friendship... and maybe move on to other relationships in our life, starting from the one with our parents and our classmates, other friends, colleagues, crushes, partners... What's the main issue there and how it moves inside of us? Feelings are complex, they also rot inside of us for years and years and grow with us, get mixed up with new ones, similar ones, different ones... it's crazy. But it's how it is. We cannot stop growing or making experiences before healing. We keep living also while healing (we have to). And we cannot start healing if we don't feel the need to.

And it's not an easy job to heal and also healing doesn't mean not being triggered anymore and being all good and great all the time: it means you start learning how to recognize your triggers and let them control you everyday a little less. Even on those days in which those stressing emotions will still get to you, you won't try to fight them but accept that those are just days as others, and they will pass too. You simply accept that you're tired/overwhelmed for any reason and that you can control your mind and decide what's best for you, so you take care of you, and try to be more compassionate and patient, and maybe take a break without feeling guilty. You're more open about your needs and find ways to meet them. And you know you can afford your trigger another time, you can talk with your mind, you feel more and more balanced. Life will always be made of positive and negative. It's how it is. And taking time to accept both of its sides and don't let the negative take over us and make us fall, is the thing we need to keep doing first and foremost. Also inside of us: we too are made both of bright and dark parts, and the dark parts need as much love too as they'r egenerally the hurt and scared parts of us. And taking them out of the dark is not easy, it takes time and gentleness, as with a scared child. It also takes the right moment for both.

Now, I've wrote a lot already so let me answer you :) I've always been someone who tries to understand more of herself and people and life in general, but if I have to say a time in which I told myself "Okay something is pretty wrong here, I do not deserve that and I definitely need to know more of what's behind all of it" I think it's around 2.5-3 years ago. Especially around 2 years ago after a bunch of big tough events in my life. The heavy healing part started there I think.

Anyway pelase do not feel alone. Here it's plenty of people healing, many have been through that for long, even longer than me probably. And even if it feels scary and this idea may make you want to give up, please don't. Keep doing it with patience, balancing healing with your life the best you can (you need time outs from it and talking with people, enjoying too), and I promise it will get faster and even occasionally easier. And it will get slowly better for sure. You'll notice it once you'll start reaching a more balanced emotional situation, but for now, endure through the storm as it will end. I'm here if you need support!

Take care<3

#asks #healing #it also takes time to realize what is the best way to heal for us #to deal with what happened and all #I personally tried to focus more on my feelings and understanding things #and avoided looking at how much time it's taking me to close chapters or heal something or comparing to others

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olekciy · 2 years ago

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WHY YOU’D BETTER ROOT FOR UKRAINE AND HELP IT WIN

Not just because Ukraine is cool – even though it definitely is. In case Russia wins the war, the world as we knew it will be screwed. Irrevocably changed to the worse, to put it politely.

Let me explain it straight and simple. Russia has more surface area than the planet Pluto, our solar system neighbor. (Distant one. Russia is unfortunately much closer.) Pluto is a dwarf planet, but still a planet. Which means Russia is mindbogglingly big. When anything that big is off its rocker it’s highly likely to cause a lot of damage. Unlike Pluto, Russia is populated by life forms similar to us. Now obsessed with the idea that if the world doesn’t align with their views – so much worse for the world! It has to disappear then, literally.

So they want to make the world a place where they can do whatever they’re up to. Without having to care what others may feel about it. That’s simple. I bet it’s not about entertaining you with their ballet. Anyway, even the ballet sucks when you’re forced to watch it over and over being tied to a chair.

Russia has no borders, they claim. Which means they can cross any if they feel like it. And take whatever they put their eye on. Just as they’re doing it in Ukraine. What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine, comrade. That’s the principle they live by.

The idea of human rights is alien to them. Property rights? The same. They don’t give a flying duck about any rights in general unless we’re talking about the right of the tsar to rule over his subjects.

Ukraine is under their brutal attack because it has dared not to obey. It is Ukrainian “don’t tread on me” moment. If Russia is stopped here it won’t be able to tread on you instead.

When the Soviet Union was in place, people in the West might fantasize it had something to propose in the sense of an alternative way of life. Since only little was known about how it looked like the alternative seemed to be mysterious and thus attractive to some.

The way life is organized in nowadays Russia is no mystery. As far as the way of life in Russia is concerned – it beats me what can be loved about it. Unless you ever dreamed about being deprived of all your rights, there’s little here for you to long for.

Ah yeah, there’s also a right to express hate towards anyone and anything allowed to be hated, bullied and yelled at. Not everyone and everything you would like to, though, just those labeled as “enemies” by the authorities. Lame freedom of speech cosplay, I’d say.

Well, let’s suppose you understand Russia is an existential threat to the entire world. But you still hesitate whether or not you should pay a price to stop it.

Even if you didn’t benefit directly from the close ties with Russia you might face the consequences of them being broken. Either you don’t feel safe anymore amid all the talk about possible nuclear war or your life has become less economically comfortable. And now you’re like: I didn’t order that! Why can’t we just go back to the way things were before? Let’s settle!

The Russian propaganda machine pours tons of money into making you think so. Some of your politicians play this card to get your vote. It’s not a big deal, we can easily give Russia that piece of the cake it wants so badly and forget it all as a nightmare.

Sorry if I was wrong and you’re moved by more sublime motives. Idealistic pacifism, love for Russian ballet, self-criticism that makes you think that probably “we’re to blame”, you name it.

Whatever your motives may be, I must say, unless they coincide with Russia’s ones, they will lead you to where you don’t want to go.

They’re not going to be satisfied with a piece of cake, they want the whole clucking bakery. And with any piece of cake they’re allowed to take their appetite grows more and more. Don’t feed this monster any further. Or he will end up eating you for dessert.

#ukraine.#ukraine war #russia #war

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jodilin65 · 16 years ago

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MONDAY, JUNE 30, 2008 Today sucked! Again, my sleep is just so damn cursed no matter where I go! I’m not sleeping much better here than in the city. Oh, how I wish I could sleep at night all the time! But the sleep curse would just get me there, too. Again, the shit-for-brains up the hill was turning our electricity on and off all morning long, just a few hours after I crashed, so I kept waking up when the sound machine went off.

The problem turned out to be what I thought it was – the pump. So why he had to turn us on and off to deal with it goes to show how stupid he is. Tom mentioned it to him and he said “if” it was him doing it, he’d “try” to be more careful. Yeah, if it’s him, and that’s a big if, huh?

Meanwhile, I slept on and off in spurts, gained back a pound because I was tired of going hungry just to stay 40 pounds overweight, and then I was able to shower and do the dishes without any problems. I hope this means the problem’s been fixed and that now I can go another 2-3 weeks before the dumb cock wakes me up again with some other problem if not the same one. No wonder people don’t last long here. I can’t believe it’s cuz of the rent cuz it’s even more expensive in the city. I hope I win big to make up for these headaches what with the 1st being just hours away!

SUNDAY, JUNE 29, 2008 Back to water problems again. This time Jesse says he thinks it’s the relay switch that turns the pump on and off that’s broken, so he has to wait till tomorrow to get someone out here. The water pressure’s just enough to do what we need to do, but I’m holding off with things like laundry. I just hope the motel dreams that have been haunting me every night don’t mean that’s where we’re going to have to end up for a while, but if we do, he’s paying for it, not us.

Oh, that little wittle cock! It woke me up twice. First with a power failure which was probably when the well went out (I figure the stupid idiot turned our electricity off by accident), then by driving down here to tell Tom what was up, because it’s too lazy to call. All I remember is hearing a loud motor and what was probably the door to his truck.

The good news is that Tom got my slot bot up and running. It’ll be nice to have that until they add a security code or just disappear altogether.

My new goal is to maintain the 142 pounds I’ve been at since I can’t lose any more without starving.

SATURDAY, JUNE 28, 2008 Health officials are warning those in northern Cal all the way down to the Central Valley not to go outdoors cuz of the smoke. I was surprised because I haven’t been able to smell it in two days. Tom says that’s just cuz I’m used to it, but that it was horribly thick in Carmichael and even gave him a scratchy throat. Guess that explains why it’s still hazy out there. They even canceled the 100-mile marathon that was to run from Lake Tahoe on up to here.

I got my temp tat from Kiwi, plus a code to input for two stickers and 100 more points, but found no place to input the code on the page they directed me to.

When we’re insured I may go to a doctor to try to find out why my body ceases to respond to diets after I lose just a few pounds. Tom still thinks I’ll lose more if I stick to it, but I’m pretty sure 142 pounds is as low as I’ll be able to go. Nothing’s more frustrating, though, than making all the right moves just to fail. I swear I’ve been sticking to it and the exercising, but after the initial 5-pound drop I had during the first few days, I’ve been waking up 142 pounds every day. I’ve been at it a whole week now, too.

The rats are finally growing. In fact, they’re a lot bigger now. Still won’t let us handle them, though they’re better than the last two.

They finally speeded up our connection! The funny thing about it is that we had to downgrade in order to be sped up. We’re not as fast as a cable modem, but we’re twice as fast as we were before. Hope it stays that way, too! Now I can watch movie previews and do the flash sweeps I haven’t been able to do very well.

FRIDAY, JUNE 27, 2008 I was out taking the clothes down I’d hung to dry when I suddenly heard something crashing through the trees. I thought more trees were falling at first, but then I saw that someone was driving either in or out of Jesse’s place just as a deer darted through the trees and ran across the hillside toward the back of the land. They run so gracefully. They sort of leap through the air.

I couldn’t smell any traces of smoke, so I guess they’ve gotten the fires under control. Hope it stays that way!

Yesterday I transferred a pot onto the side of the dresser and bougies on the headboard and washer. Today I was going to add bougie branches to the urn, plus transfer the other urn and remaining bougie branches onto the back closet wall. Well, I added the bougies to the urn on the dresser, then decided to deck out the front of it as well instead of their closet wall. I took the handles off the drawers and gouged on the other urn and the rest of the bougies. Tomorrow I’ll have Tom pick up a matte acrylic finish to spray on to keep them from getting nicks and scrapes like I used to do with the wall art I’d do in the houses we owned.

Although Tom doesn’t think so, I think this diet isn’t going to have any more effect on me other than to keep me from gaining at this point. I was only down 1/6 of a pound. Still 142, though. I’ll keep doing it for the sake of saving money and to keep from gaining anything back, but like I said, I think this is it. I’m just not going down anymore.

Caught the mouse in the kill trap. They’re the only ones that don’t misfire. It also saves us the hassle of trying to take it far enough away from the house.

THURSDAY, JUNE 26, 2008 The smoke was thicker today, but now it’s backed off again. It was spooky earlier with the way it made it appear cloudy out. It was enough to keep the temp down a bit.

My dry rub transfers came today. “Easy application,” I don’t think so! You really have to gouge it on like hell with the tongue depressor they give you, but the slavery and sore hand are worth the beautiful results. The original plan was to put a pot with bougainvilleas on the side of the dresser that’s exposed, some bougies on the washer, and store the rest away. However, I ended up putting some bougies along the headboard of the bed just below the shelves and I cannot believe how gorgeous it came out! I emailed a shot of it to Jessie and to the artist herself at the site I got it from so she can add it to the gallery. I screwed up a bit with the base of the urn due to nicks in the wood, though it still looks great and I can make touch-ups by hand, but the headboard looks stunning. I thought the flowers may be too dark on Maplewood if they even fit there, but it really looks great. The washer looks lovely as well. I think I’ll place the leftover urn and bougies on the closet wall that’s directly in front of the door which I always keep open. I don’t think they’d mind. Maryann did say to do what I wanted and it’s only a closet. I think she’d think it was beautiful. Makes me wish we owned a house so I could get more! I don’t know how you’d get them on textured walls, though. That must be very hard.

That damn mouse, and we’re both sure it’s the same one, decided to camp out last night in Tom’s underwear drawer. He went to pull out a pair of boxers this morning to find a pile of little turds on the pair on top. I guess the mouse felt it made a hell of a comfortable bed! If we can’t catch it within a week or so, we’ll set up the kill traps, though I hope we won’t have to do that.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25, 2008 The Special K diet is a miracle so far! I’ve lost in 3 days what would normally take me 1-2 weeks to lose…5 pounds. I began at 147 and am now 142. I’m hungry as hell, though it does get easier after a few days. The hunger is worth it for a diet that works this well. To be hungry just to lose 5-10 pounds that only comes right back is a different story. I hope this diet keeps working. That’s another problem I’ve had in the past. They work, but only for a week or two, then I keep dieting, but the pounds stop dropping. So as well as it’s working so far, it’s too soon to know whether or not the results will be short-lived. I used to believe calories were calories no matter where they came from, but maybe I was wrong. There sure seems something rather magical about the combination of the nuts, fruits, and grains in their diet foods.

I wish the Apple cards would hurry up and get here! I want Tom to set up that slot bot because I don’t always have time to rack up as many points as I could as I’m tied up with other things like reading, writing, sweeping, cleaning, movies, etc. I can tell a few people have BOTs and I wish they’d use them more wisely so they don’t end up getting a security code added to the game. With my shit luck, they’ll do that the day he creates my own BOT.

But I know how winning works. Right now they’re hoping we’ll just conveniently “forget” about the Apple cards. Then Tom will have to call and play the where-are-they? game. They’ll pitch some excuse on him, and it’ll be weeks, even months before the cards finally show up.

I also won popcorn samples and a DVD Tom wants to see.

Tom saw a mouse behind the toilet last night that ran into an opening at the side of the bottom cabinet, then probably out of the house through the hole the pipes run through. What is it with all these mice in here? Was it always like this or is this something new since we arrived? Makes you wonder how these trailers don’t get eaten alive by the things! I’m thinking it could be the same mouse and that Tom just didn’t take it far enough away. Well, when it comes up and into the trap tonight, it will just have to wait patiently until Tom can drive it further away tomorrow.

My subscriber said that reading some of my stuff leaves her utterly speechless. Yeah, well, she ought to brace herself because she’s about to read the worst chapter of them all – Valleyhead.

TUESDAY, JUNE 24, 2008 It turns out that Jesse had a water leak problem, turned off his water to fix it, then turned us off instead of himself back on when he was done, the dumb shit! Hey, at least it’s better to have your water be sluggish all day than to have to go days without water than to have to cajole your selfish MIL to shell out 5K out of her 100+K to fix it!

The smoky haze lives on out there, but baby Grace arrived today. She looks very realistic and even smells of baby powder and weighs 3 pounds! A definite keeper. She’s made of a rubberier vinyl rather than the hard vinyl that the Tonners are made of.

Anyway, the closest fire is about 100 miles away, heading towards San Francisco which they say is 80% contained. Over 8000 rare lightning strikes caused over 800 wildfires. I just hope they don’t get any closer to us! If there’s been any good in it it’s that Jesse hasn’t been out to play with his engines.

My subscriber commented on it being insane that my parents allowed me to be committed as a teenager. She got that right! Why are people so easily brainwashed by people like doctors, lawyers, cops and religious leaders? Still, my parents should have accepted me as I was and allowed me to remain home until I was ready to go out on my own. Fifteen is too young to throw your kid out just so you can have an easier life.

Jane, the good-looking one who I swap notes with just about every day apologized for lying about her age. You have to be 18 to join. She said she was 19 even though she’s 16. I told her it made no difference to me. She’s going to be one hell of a looker in a decade or so.

MONDAY, JUNE 23, 2008 It’s been a bit smoky and hazy out there as hundreds of wildfires run ablaze throughout NorCal, but so far nothing’s hit too close to home and I don’t have any bad vibes. As a psychic, I’d be the first to sense any danger.

Instead, we were annoyed by that stupid cock up the hill leaving a faucet on somewhere, draining the well and leaving our water flowing sluggishly. I would’ve been pissed had this continued on into tomorrow. I heard someone honk and a few barks this morning, so Jesse was obviously picked up and gone all day. Maryann works, so she may not have gotten the message Tom left right away. I wish they’d be more readily available, and what kind of person is that airheaded that they forget to turn their water off twice in less than 3 months??? Anyway, Maryann finally got the message, cuz Tom just emailed me saying there should now be water, and there is! Better to have a sluggish day, though, than to have to find 5 grand to fix a blown pump like down in Arizona. I’ll find out more about what happened when Tom gets home.

I had just under 2000 Kiwi points and decided to cash in for a temporary tattoo. I love those temp tats! Now I’m just under 1000, but I expect to be just over 1000 tomorrow.

Got a note yesterday from a fellow slot player saying she’d never dare to surpass me because I’m just too cool, congrats on doing good with slots. So tonight I let her surpass me. She sent me a friend invite, something I was about to send her till she beat me to it. I’m up to 15 friends now.

We finally caught the mouse that we figured was coming and going through the pipe opening under the kitchen sink since we never saw it, but we had to get new traps to do it. These traps are way cool and can be used on carpet, too. They work better and differently than the other one. Tom heard it trigger shortly after I crashed last night. He hoped it’d settle down and go to sleep for the night until morning. He didn’t want to have to go out at night with the skunks and whatever nocturnal nightmares may be out there, but because it was going crazy scratching and chewing, he freed it down past the shed, taking the flashlight so as not to fall off the cliff. Hopefully, it won’t find its way back here, but we’ll just catch it again if we have to and take it for a little ride down the end of the driveway. Ah, life in the woods. So much fun!

Tom layered my hair yesterday. It’s shaped nicely to my face and doesn’t get in my eyes as much when I’m working out. It’s so nice to be able to sleep with it down, have it dry so fast, etc. It’s going to be a pain trimming it regularly as fast as it grows, but I definitely don’t miss having 30 or so inches of hair!

Got 2 of the 5 goodies we ordered from Ashton-Drake, and one of them is going back. That’ll be the hummingbird carousel. It not only wasn’t as dazzling as it appeared online, but its lights also flickered and the thing squeaks when in rotation. The fairy ornaments, however, are lovely.

Good news for Jessie. I haven’t talked to her yet. I don’t know if she got tied up or was just overly nervous, but she did get the job she wanted after all. I’m happy for her. What I don’t get is why she said it’d be hard for her to say her goodbyes to the people at her old job. After all, they didn’t treat her well and she’s never going to have to deal with them again, so who cares? Maybe there’s something about it I don’t know.

I began this Special K diet yesterday and am amazed by how well it’s working so far and how much energy I still have. I’m not even stuck like I usually get on diets. The only negative is that I’m hungry as hell. But if it’s going to work this well, it’s worth a little misery! I was 147 when I awoke yesterday and now I’m 144. I only had that tea yesterday, too. I deliberately held off on the tea today to see if it was more that or this diet that’s dropping my weight. It’s tough, though, like I said. I get up and have a fruit cup, then eat a meal bar two hours later. After that I wait 3 hours and have a snack bar, then another 3 hours after that I have another snack bar, then a bowl of their cereal 3 hours later, then finally, 3 hours after that I eat for the last time and that’s my main meal. I also jog or bounce on the ball for 20 minutes each day, too.

SATURDAY, JUNE 21, 2008 It was a dry run to the Carmichael box today, but there was a Mary letter at least. She’s doing okay.

They’ve decided at work that they are going to keep his hours the same.

It’s been hot and dry and fire season is definitely here. There have been wildfires up in northern Cal. It’s still so peaceful, too. Do you know how wonderful it is just to be able to open a window without the thunderous, chaotic symphony of noise we’d get in the city?! The back bedroom window and the front kitchen window have been open for days. As long as we can never afford a house in a retirement community or to buy a large chunk of land, and as long as Jesse doesn’t screw us over and he’s ok with it, I’ll never leave here.

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008 I’m now up to 1387 points on Kiwibox. I’ve made the top 10 every day but one since I started playing their slots game. If it weren’t for the game I’d barely have over 300 points. I’m going to have Tom write a program to play the game once we get our new computers. My slotbot, I’ll call it, and the cool thing will be that I won’t need to be sitting there watching for security codes. It takes more time than you think, like two hours, which cuts into my writing time. It’ll be great to run while I’m doing other things like showering, cleaning, etc.

I’m up to 10 friends of various ages and walks of life, but no one’s over 26 from what I can tell, and the youngest is 14. I even have a subscriber to my journal already! I’ve been picking things out from my autobiography to add to my regular entries, and my sorry childhood and family really touched this young girl from what she said in the comment she left. She said her family sounds the same, that she was the black sheep in her family too, and because of that, she’s subscribing to my journal. Well, I don’t know why, but I like the idea of people reading my writing. I guess I’m proud of it so I like to share it and let it be known, even if they hate it. I’m just careful of what I say. No last names, no addresses, nothing personal enough to lead anyone to us, although like I told Mr. Paranoid here, even if I said I lived in the woods outside Sacramento, do you know how many people live in the woods outside Sacramento? Plenty!

I’ve also gotten a scattering of notes – my profile seems interesting, what’s my favorite pet, favorite color…

The wins really do come in spurts! I was emailed about a $100 shopping spree at Karmaloop, a high-end clothing store geared toward young folks. Cool! I’ve picked out a hot pink dress and some undies with what’ll be leftover.

The sucky news is that there are to be some uncool changes at work, Tom told me. They’re not going to drop his pay, but they are going to be laying people off in a month or two, and they’re throwing him back on days next Monday. The only difference is that he won’t be going in really early. He’ll be working 10 AM – 6:30 PM. He said, though, that if he’s there come August, I’ll not only be able to be insured, but they’ll give him a week’s vacation. He’d still rather get a job here in Auburn. Especially since he hates it there and is sick of having to spend so much every week on gas. But it’s like something’s trying to hold him back. First his birth certificate got stolen, then he can’t find his passport. It’s like all he’s allowed to have is an Arizona license with an Oregon address!

I’ve decided to stop spending any extra money until he’s made the transition into a new job, something which is always a bit nerve-wracking. At least for me, it is. We already almost lost everything and were homeless twice, so until and if we ever own a place outright, I’m always going to worry about that possibility because as I’ve learned, it doesn’t only happen to other people. He assures me that we’re not even close to losing this place and that we’ll be ok. There are enough jobs available, plus what’s in the savings. We better, because if we couldn’t afford this place, we couldn’t afford motels!

TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 2008 Blackie seemed sick the other day like he was struggling to breathe, but he seems fine now. Same with Brownie. So I guess these little guys are going to be ok. They still won’t let me handle them, but they’re not nearly as quick to run away either.

Like every house we’ve had in the west, we have a mouse hanging around here somewhere, probably asleep in the closet if it hasn’t already slipped back out the way it came in, which could be a number of ways (the vents, under the sink, etc.). I’ve got the trap set up, but I don’t have any cheese right now, so hopefully it will get caught anyway. Then I’ll free the little booger in back of the property. Mice are cute, but stinky, messy and destructive!

It’s just wonderful how much better I’ve felt since getting out of that damn motel room! I enjoy having more responsibilities and fun things to enjoy like I have these days.

Although I was surprised to be notified of such a big win via email, and am even more surprised that we don’t have to sign an affy or a tax form, I feel confident that the 3K Apple win is legit. Kettler’s a big company and OLS would’ve kicked them off the site by now. Tom spoke to a woman there and she’s going to send us GCs so we can choose what we want which is great! Since they don’t have GCs in 3K increments, she’s sending a $2500 one and a $500 one. Apple’s stuff is way expensive. We’re tentatively going to get me a new iMac and then I’ll just use my laptop to play the radio while I’m working on the iMac, and for listening to my own music. Plus, we want to get him a new flat panel monitor so he can finally ditch his old one, and we’re definitely going to get a color laser printer, which they do have after all. I didn’t think they did, but when Tom browsed Apple’s store, he found they have quite a few. We may also get some odds and ends if there’s any credit left over. It was funny cuz I said to him, “If only I’d known I was gonna win this, cuz then I wouldn’t have gotten the iPod.” But that’s probably why I won it! So now that I have a new camera as well I’ll probably win one.

Tom saw Jessie’s dad in an interview. He was talking about his age and saying how he intends to keep on being Big Bird.

Unlike last time, since I didn’t know how to use the zoom feature on my camera, I got some awesome deer pics! Instead of two bucks, it was just one doe this time, climbing up the hill in front. I can’t believe how well they climb! That hill is super steep.

MONDAY, JUNE 16, 2008 Although Tom is still sick, he felt well enough to take us to Denny’s this morning. It’s just a mile away and had a hell of a view with sprawling mountains and the Sac way, way off in the distance. All this wonderful seclusion yet Denny’s is that close! I got the T-bone and eggs I love, and he got his omelet.

Then we got back and the rats, especially Blackie, begged for the ice cream I don’t have all morning. Almost all of it anyway. I’ve never had a rat this obsessed with ice cream!

After a while, I went to check my email and was like, omigod, omigod, omigod! I’ve been bitching about having a dry spell with the sweeps yet I should’ve known better as to just what that meant – that I was sitting on another biggie! The Kettler Company has been running a monthly sweep that lets you choose your prize. I was May’s winner and got to choose from this list: Two months free rent, Living room makeover from Pottery Barn, Accessorize your Kitchen with Williams-Sonoma, $3000 Tiffany & Co gift card, Dinner for 8 with local DC chef in Kettler Community demonstration kitchen, $3000 Apple iLife package, 6 Months of Paid HOA fees, Create an outdoor oasis with west elm, $3000 custom wall and backsplash work or $3000 custom closet makeover.

We chose the Apple pack, but aren’t yet sure what it entails. No doubt it’s a Mac computer of some kind that includes software and maybe other electronics like phones, iPods, printers, etc. Hopefully, I’ll find out soon enough! I just hope we don’t get killed on taxes next year.

What I’d really kill to win is this $450,000 house they’re giving away, but I doubt I stand a chance even though the sweep only runs for a month and is only open to residents in 6 states, including ours. Still, I’m going to enter every single day, and even if it’s in those subdivisions I hate so much!

They had a really weird sweep the other day. 100 grand to clone your dog.

The more I check out the Kiwibox site, the better it seems, so the more likely it is to change for the worse or end up history altogether. They’ve got games you can play for extra points and if you end up in the top 10 at the end of the day like I did yesterday, they multiply your points depending on where you rank. I also applied for a job as an advisor. All you have to do is be at least 15 years old and able to give good advice at least 15 times a week and that’ll get you an extra thousand points a month. It’ll be weeks before they let me know anything, though.

I’m up to 584 points, and once I get just over 2000, I’ve decided to redeem the points for a couple of rhinestone rings for the mannequins. Then I’ll probably save up the 11,000 needed for a disco ball beaded curtain.

Anyway, Tom was pointing out with a look of amusement on his face that I can’t give the kind of advice I normally give. I can’t tell people who want advice on losing weight that it’s hopeless if they’re over 35. When they complain about their neighbor’s dogs barking, I can’t tell them to take a frying pan to their heads. When they’re bitching about their bosses, I can’t tell them to tell their bosses to shove a broom handle up their ass. And lastly, when they’re feeling totally hopeless in life, I can’t say, “Hey, there’s always suicide.”

I was reading some of the advisor’s responses to some of the questions submitted by people wanting advice. One girl was saying that she couldn’t get her boyfriend to try other positions. The advice was to be open, honest and patient, and that if they loved each other they’d meet each other halfway, and all the usual things an advisor would say. What I’d have liked to have said is simple, “Don’t change positions, change genders!”

SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 2008 Tom decided he has a cold and not the flu. Even sleeping in a separate room with my sound machine blaring I could hear his coughing, and I slept as lousy as I usually do when I sleep during the daytime. First he woke me up, then I was too hot, then I was hungry, then I had major cramps. There’s always something during the daytime. Because I slept in spurts, I slept later, though, so that’s good.

We were to go to Denny’s early this morning to celebrate our 14th anniversary, but we may have to postpone it due to Tom’s cold.

I feel so singled out and picked on by whatever’s up there when I think of how everyone else in our family remained owners once they were able to own a place. We’re the only ones who got kicked back to having to rent, and I’m still not sure we’ll ever own again. It’s like we’ll always be in some place with some quirky highlight. I love it here, don’t get me wrong, but I get sick of funky heating or cooling setups and shit like that, you know? But as long as God allows people to keep sabotaging our credit, I gotta assume it’s because He, or something, doesn’t want us to own anything.

I got a letter from Mary today, and in regards to my saying that if God didn’t make mistakes, then why the Arabs and the shit they cause, she said that even the greatest of artists can make mistakes, and God’s certainly a great artist.

I never thought of it that way, but it’s nice to think God may be a touch human because humans certainly do both good and bad.

At least I had some good wins for the first time in a while. Won a prize pack from Special K that includes cereals, snack bars, a beach towel, and a tote, plus more. I also won Rembrandt toothpaste, a DVD and a CD.

Jessie said she has free long distance and asked when was a good time for me to talk, even though I told her what hours Tom sleeps. She never gave me her address for the coupon, dolls and books I offered to send if she’d pay for the call, but I’ll get it when we talk if she still wants these things. I asked Tom if I should still send them even though she just told me she has free long-distance, and he suggested I wait and see what she says.

She says the neighbors broke a plank in their fence and the dogs stick their faces through it and bark up a storm. She said it’s so bad at times that the lawnmower repair guy on the phone couldn’t hear her because they were so loud. I’d totally kill them!

Gotta tell Mary about Kiwibox.com. When she ever gets outa that damn jail, she’d love it. It’s a social site for writing and sharing journals and you can get little things with points you can earn.

Anyway, the site is mostly so people can write/read journals. There’s no way to know how many people read your entries, but you’ll know if they respond or subscribe to your journal. You can also choose to have your journal open to everyone, just some people, or totally private. You can change the background color, text color, font, font size and things like that, and it’s just a really cool and fun site.

Mary says she’s had some depressing legal stuff going on and may be going to trial in late July. Wonder why she’d be depressed? I would’ve thought she’d be thrilled. I mean, to finally get it over with.

I agree with her, true forgiveness is being able to forgive the unforgivable, something I’m not at all good at. I think Tom’s the only one I could be truly forgiving of, though I can’t imagine him ever doing anything literally unforgivable in the first place! Guess I married the right guy, huh?

Yeah, I thought of keeping the line open where my folks are concerned, as she asked, but I also believe in self-respect and part of that, to me, is not bothering with those who don’t want to bother with me, or who have abused me. I will always appreciate their jumping in to save us, but this still doesn’t change the past, you know? And I just don’t feel comfortable with the idea of any relationship of any kind being one-sided. There’s caring and then there’s caring. They cared enough to save us, yes, but they didn’t care enough to keep in touch, and it doesn’t surprise me because I’ve been abandoned by them throughout most of my life in various ways. They may also feel I deserve a taste of my own medicine and are “getting me back” for abandoning them as I did for nearly a decade. I’d be totally lying if I said I wasn’t glad they were ignoring me. For every one good thing they’ve done for me, there are a thousand horrible memories they’ve given me as well that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

Tom said he heard more trees going down that sounded far away.

SATURDAY, JUNE 14, 2008 Not much going on around here, and Tom’s still sick. Had to hear a couple of rounds of barking, but nothing serious. Lately, they’ve been barking at Tom when he comes home from work, which is strange. Why now? Shortly after he got in from checking the mail at our new UPS box (this one gives you a key to the outer door so you can check it 24/7), Jesse came zooming in on his motorcycle. I didn’t know he was ever out that late. He’s a bit too old for the dating scene, but I can picture him sipping beer at a pub and chatting with old buddies, maybe shooting some pool, that sort of thing.

I’m getting these really super cool dry rub transfers at this site I accidentally stumbled upon. It’s the artwork of this artist that does all kinds of things, mostly flowers and animals. What’s so cool about it is that you design your own murals and make them the size you want and include whatever you want them to. So you can do things like mix and match plants and pots, etc, and the cool thing about it is that the prices are very affordable. I’m going to get 2 pots and 4 bushels of bougainvilleas all for under $60. Because this place isn’t ours, I’m limited as to where I can put them. I doubt they’d care if I put some bougies on the back of the bathroom door, but the others will go on the sides of dressers and places like that.

THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 2008 Now that we’ve got yet another new address, I’ve been having fun signing up for a new round of free samples. Meanwhile, Blackie’s like a whole new rat. Totally changed by ice cream! A few days ago I gave him his first taste, and ever since then, he’s been begging up a storm, jumping towards me every time I go by the cage. He still won’t let me handle him, but I’d say there’s finally some potential there. He learns fast and has been easy to train, though I don’t know about Brownie. I don’t know if he’ll even live. He coughs a lot, isn’t growing, and sleeps most of the time. I’m glad that at least Blackie may want to be friends. Imagine ice cream changing your whole outlook on life for the better?! That little taste has opened his small world up to countless possibilities!

The bad news is that Tom’s got the flu. He said others at work have it, too. He hasn’t been coughing or sneezing like when he has a cold, but he’s been run down and congested. I hope he gets better soon enough and that I’m not next! Not being boxed together all the time in a small room should spare me. I’ve also had flu shots in the past which may help.

Saw a couple of young bucks down at the back edge of the clearing while I was hanging clothes on the porch late this afternoon. Hanging clothes with deer watching; now that’s country living! I couldn’t swear to it, but I thought I heard the faint strain of voices from up the hill. It’s so nice to know that those kinds of sounds will never make it inside here.

Got our first round of movies. I’ve already enjoyed one and now I’m going to go enjoy another!

SUNDAY, JUNE 8, 2008 Things have been back to normal sound-wise around here. It’s been a peaceful day in the country so far today. Just faint voices here and there when we’re outside, but nothing from inside. Yesterday was also a quiet country day, but the day before that I heard his motorcycle once or twice, plus a few barks around midnight. It seems quieter on weekends which I appreciate so that my time with Tom isn’t disrupted. Jesse did have a visitor, so Tom saw when he returned from the store before I got up.

Today he hung the line across half the porch for hanging heavy things like towels and jeans.

We are slowly but surely taking back bits and pieces of our lives, like rejoining Netflix for one. He can’t get the new box till tomorrow, so when he gets home from work tomorrow night, that’s when we’re going to sign up for Netflix (I’m also going to get more freebies). I miss renting movies and by now there are some new ones I’d like to see. We’ll also place the Ashton order, too.

I sent Jessie a message letting her know that I tried to call, the phone was picked up, then disconnected, though I did call back and leave a message. She said she didn’t recognize the number (I gave her the landline number), but that it was probably Bella who disconnected, she sometimes picks up like that. Yeah well, we can’t afford to throw money away like that either, so I told her that since the cell phone’s connection is lousy here, if she’s willing to keep trying the landline till she gets a hold of me, and since she’d be paying for the call, I’ll pay to send her and Bella some dolls and books I think they’d like. As it is, she said she’d like the pizza coupon I can’t use, but hasn’t yet given me her married name or new address, so I have to wait for that first.

As much as it would be cool to have Jessie living close by I’m also glad she doesn’t. That animal of hers would be such a pest, getting into all kinds of things during visits.

I decided to expand my little autobiography some more, beginning with when we moved into the dump on up till when we moved in here.

Tom’s going to call AT&T and let them know that since they refuse to adjust their modem to give us the speed we’re paying for, why not just downgrade our account so that at least the price fits the speed?

FRIDAY, JUNE 6, 2008 Last night I was sooo pissed! Still am, too. From around 9:00 - 11:30 the dogs went crazy. Tom suspects Jesse was out and that something, probably a cat, was teasing them. Cats do it to dogs all the time, Tom says. There were no lights on up there when I looked up the hill, and had it not been for the late hour and the fact that Maryann is a long-distance call from the landline, I’d have called her.

Tom said Jesse would want the dogs to go off at the slightest of sounds when he’s gone, but what about us down here? We’re the ones that have to deal with it, and no amount of barks, alarms or any other ruckus would stop a break-in anyway in such a secluded place, so why be rude and inconsiderate to us and make us have to listen to it when it serves no purpose? I don’t know why people are under the notion that dogs or alarms will cause a neighbor to call the pigs. It ain’t their stuff that’s being ripped off, so what do they care? People only care if the problem is theirs.

Of course, there’s no saying for sure he was truly gone. Maybe he just didn’t give a damn, though I don’t see how he could stand such noise that close to him if it was loud enough to be annoying down here. And of course Tom, being the paranoid guy that he is, was reluctant to say anything for fear of us being booted out. Well, for one, that’s our right to say something since we’re the ones paying him, and we don’t have to come across as complaining as opposed to simply asking what was wrong and if there was anything going on around here we should know about, hoping he’d take the hint. But in the end, I decided to put the call on hold at least for now since it’s only been the third or so time it’s been bad, and people just don’t care. If he cared, he wouldn’t leave them outdoors round the clock. Why doesn’t anyone want dogs for pets? Why must they always be tossed outside like old furniture? Tom thinks they’re allowed indoors or else they’d be barking all the time, but I disagree. I’ve heard barks in the wee hours of the night, so I know they’re at least outdoors all night yet they don’t bark all the time then. I was hopeful that Jesse would get back to work, but now I’m not so sure if that’s going to cause the dogs to be allowed to be out of control more often. I’d rather his engines, chainsaws, voices, horns and whatever else, though I still wish he’d keep the damn things on the other side of the house if he’s not going to take them inside. I’m surprised there hasn’t been blasting music yet. Who knew our own landlord would be noisy at times?! When we moved here I was under the understanding that the “neighbor” was the people with the goats and that we’d be the only ones on the land. I had no idea anyone was up there. Either way, I will call Maryann since Jesse simply has his phone for show and not for answering if it gets to be a regular problem, and I’ll politely remind her why we wanted to move here in the first place. If I simply say we’re “concerned,” they might not get that what we’re really trying to say, since people are dumb, is that the dogs annoy us. Then again, they may not care. Meanwhile, it’s still the quietest place I’ve ever lived in so far on an overall basis, and there’s really no getting anything much quieter as long as you can’t be right smack in the middle of a 40 or more-acre farm, and I wasn’t kidding when I said I was sick of running from noise. If it does get noisy, we won’t be running since we’re not the ones causing the problem. I doubt Jesse would be a poor sport about it if we did have to complain for reasons I mentioned before. God protects our perps, yet how could he protect Jesse if he screwed us? How could he stop us from sneaking back in here in the middle of the night and vandalizing or torching the place or even killing the dogs? Jesse’s got money. He could easily get new dogs and drag in a new trailer (Tom found a sticker on it that suggests it was brought in in 2001 and not 1994), but who would want the hassles? Especially after all the time and money spent on this place?

Anyway, if he was out, he obviously did return at some point last night because Tom heard his chainsaw before I got up. We also heard the motorcycle. Then, when I was in the shower, someone drove down here. Tom said it was an old car that turned around, shot up to Jesse’s, set the dogs off, then turned around and left. Probably someone who was lost. I don’t have any bad vibes, but if it was anyone staking the place out unless they shot me or there were too many of them, it wouldn’t be very wise to tangle with me right now in this foul mood. God, that old familiar city stress is right back on after last night’s antics and it sucks! Not to the degree that it was in the city, of course, but now I’m stressing out over the idea of them going off and stealing the peace even when they’re not. Fucking dogs have been tormenting me ever since I left the East, and a little before that, too! In 2 of the 5 apartments I had back east, they were an issue, as well as every single goddamn place I’ve lived in the west. We discussed the idea, once again, of getting an anti-barking device, but I not only don’t feel it should be our job to take responsibility for controlling someone else’s dogs, but I think they’re slightly beyond the 75’ range the device is limited to, plus I don’t think the signal could go through the trees much less the hillside itself. The thing would be suitable for if we ever do buy a house (which I doubt) in a retirement community because then we’d be boxed in with barking just a few feet away like we were in Phoenix. It couldn’t go through block walls, though.

Tom got up late today, so there wasn’t any time to get a box in Auburn, but he says he can get one Sunday if they have him come into work tomorrow. I guess they’re back to being busy again, so no chance of being laid off this week. I just wonder how many more months it’ll be before I can get to a damn dentist! I wish he’d quit dreaming with the horses and get hunting in Auburn for a job with benefits, but he wants to wait till we get an address here first, which makes sense.

THURSDAY, JUNE 5, 2008 Ashley’s shoes were delivered today, though we won’t be picking them up till Saturday. Tomorrow Tom’s going to get us a new mailbox in Auburn.

I heard 5 rounds of sirens coming from who knows where earlier today, but if it was a fire, I didn’t see or smell smoke. This is the first time I’ve ever heard sirens like that here, though they could never be as loud here nestled in as we are.

Nothing from Jesse today other than someone honking a horn up there, if it wasn’t an alarm, and some howling from either a coyote or his own beast. Oh, and of course we had to have a minute or two of engine gunning. Other than that it’s been dead quiet.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to this weekend’s shopping spree at Ashton-Drake. I’ll be getting an anatomically correct lifelike newborn doll, a hummingbird with a beautiful floral design painted on its wings, a plate with sculpted flowers and hummingbirds, a pair of fairy ornaments, and a gorgeous hummingbird carousel with painted flowers and hand-set gems. This will come to just over $400.

We’ve allotted $85 a week for groceries and whatever’s leftover each week will be spending money.

Meanwhile, we’ve got a thousand dollars in savings, and Tom will set aside money each month to add to it. Hopefully, the horses will be adding to it too, but I still have yet to see that. He still has a lot of money in the account and so he placed $2 bets on 20 races today. We know he lost one of them because a jockey was thrown from his horse.

Later…

Yup, we’re just being teased all over again. That’s ok, we’ll stay right here. This place may be old and small, but as long as Jesse doesn’t become a problem or want to rent to someone he knows, we can live here forever. It’s colder than I’d like during the winter and it’s a bit expensive, but it sure beats an apartment in a scumplex and I’m sick of moving anyway.

See, when I emailed Tom to let him know the shoes had arrived and mention the sirens, he said the sirens were for a grass fire a few miles down the road, then said it looks like he’ll lose a few bucks today, don’t panic, he thought that may happen, will explain later…

Then why’d he place the damn bets?

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4, 2008 I hate these rats! They act so terrified of me as if I’d beaten the shit out of them. We’ve never had 4 lousy rats in a row like this before. Never had rats that slept this much before either. I swear Tink’s possessed them to be bad out of jealousy so no other rat receives the attention she once got. They were fine the first day and now they suck.

I also hate AT&T for refusing to give us the speed we’re paying for. All they do when Tom complains is say they’ll check the line. Then they leave a message saying everything’s fine, but it’s not. Unfortunately, they’re the only ones who service this area, so there’s nothing we can do about it, but get ripped off and settle for what they’re willing to give us. As far as I know, throttling us back like they are doesn’t save them money, so they’re obviously doing it just to be mean, knowing we can’t drop them for someone else. I just thank God that everything’s going to be wireless in a few years and that the connection’s at least reliable and I can stream music without all the problems I had in the motel.

I don’t know what’s up with Jessie. I haven’t heard from her since before last weekend when I tried calling her place just to get the machine. I tried again today too, and someone picked up, but only for a second, then I was disconnected. When I called back I got the machine. Well, I tried enough at this point, so I’ll just wait till she emails me. She’s probably busy. Again, she’s got a kid which means she’s got no life. I thought I heard the thing babbling during the second we were connected.

Today we went to the mail place and got the check. After waiting for a mom and her obnoxious toddler that was ahead of us, we cashed it, then grabbed a DQ lunch. Then we returned and Tom took his shower and left for work.

I wonder if Jesse’s son visited today. I not only heard vehicles drive in and out of there, besides a couple of rounds of barks, but I could’ve sworn I heard the animal shout a couple of times, and of course, with school letting out, the mother’s no doubt anxious to pawn it off more often on Jesse, and he’s home as much as I am, so why not? I’m just glad I can’t hear much from up there because there’s almost always someone there and they’re always outside. Do they sleep outside, too? Will they be outdoors this much in the winter?

A fellow OLSer sent me a coupon for a free slice of pizza at Papa Gino’s, but these eateries are only in New England. Why would someone in NV send this to someone in California? I asked Jessie if she wants it. What I could use were the heart decals they sent.

The best news of all – I don’t know if we’re being teased or not – is that the horses seem to be doing better than ever. They made $40 two days ago but lost $3 yesterday because he not only bet on just 6 races (Mondays and Tuesdays are the worst days for racing) but because he bet too aggressively. Half the races won, though. Today he bet on 15 and he should be able to do twice that much over the weekend. I just hope this isn’t a tease as it’s been in the past where we start off winning, then end up losing. I would hope God wouldn’t be so cruel as to allow us to be teased with money after all we’ve been through, and that He’ll either just let us have it, or at least not get our hopes up about it. So many things start off well, just to end up being a bust, be it diets, the way a medication works, etc.

MONDAY, JUNE 2, 2008 Yesterday Tom put another $825 in Jesse’s box so he can stay home and play with his motorcycle. Yeah, we heard some engine-gunning for a few minutes, then he took off on the motorcycle, presumably to cash the money orders. I said to Tom, “Don’t you wish you could stay home with us and play with the things you love?��

A couple of iguanas are chasing each other up and down the rocky hillside.

Now the dogs are barking.

These rats were fine at first, but now they seem skittish. What, is Tinkerbell jealous from above and determined to make any rats we get unfriendly?

Later…

Hasn’t been a sound since Jesse left and his dogs went off. I thought he’d be going to cash our money orders and then come roaring back, but if he’s been there, all’s been quiet as usual.

Blackie and Brownie aren’t very active right now since it’s daytime. They only get up for occasional snacks and drinks.

The weather’s been beautiful, in the 70s. Think I’ll take advantage of the tranquility around here and do some writing after I work out.

0 notes

sukirichi · 4 years ago

Text

closer | gojo satoru x reader

a/n: aaah my first ask and it’s a request! thanks so much this is so kind and sweet of you 🥺 and here it is! I’m not sure if it’s exactly what you wanted but I hope you like it anyway!

summary: in which Gojo has the need to be closer to you after a long day of hard work

pairings: jealous! Gojo x reader

warnings: none, other than this isn’t proofread! (This is just a fluffy domestic short fic!)

masterlist !

The best part about being the strongest jujutsu sorcerer isn’t the power (although Gojo basks in that too) but rather the fact that he allows himself to completely tear his walls down and be putty in your hands once he comes home from work.

Gojo would never say it out loud that the best part of his days is waking up next to you, pressing kisses in your still sleepy face and you whining for five more minutes, then watching as you wobble like a penguin to the shower so you can start your day. Although he doesn’t really ask much from you, his heart still swells every time you make him a sandwich, kiss it and claim that it’s “made with love” before he proudly shows off his ‘breakfast’ of the day to his students.

Even in work, he still thinks of you. It’s quite impossible for this man to stop thinking of you; you and him never left that honeymoon phase even after two years of marriage and a much longer time of dating.

He could be exorcising a curse then get distracted afterwards after seeing an Italian restaurant that he just knows you’ll love. Next thing you know, Gojo flicks his wrist and exorcises the curse in a flash before hopping into that restaurant to look at the menu. Loving is knowing; Gojo takes the time to see if the restaurant would be respectful of your allergies every time before booking reservations.

It’s no secret that this man is completely enamoured with you, if his sappy good morning kisses accompanied with light, teasing touches down your legs is not an indication already. Gojo is confident and feels safe in your relationship and he’s never the type to get jealous because Gojo is Gojo – who else would be better than him for you?

Or at least that’s what he used to believe, until he comes home with a bag of pumpkin spice bread for you, arms wide open and a “Darling~” about to leave his lips when he sees your current predicament.

Nanami is leaning against one of the chairs in your cafe downstairs from your home, the usual stoic man’s lips and cheekbones slightly raised in laughter as you tell him something about your day. Gojo can’t exactly understand the worse falling from your lips because he’s too focused on the way you’re leaning forward, eyes absolutely crinkled into half-moons while you share a strawberry tart with him. Gojo sees the cups of tea have already been emptied, meaning Nanami has been here for a much longer time than he is welcomed.

Gojo clenches his jaw. He’s told you many times you should get a bell so you’d know when a customer comes in, but now he’s thankful you’re stubborn and refused to have one because he can hide in one of the propped up tables and chairs hidden in the darkness.

He can’t help the sigh he releases. He’s late – like he always is.

You’re a regular human who isn’t able to see curses. You’ve only ever known about their existence ever since you started dating Gojo, but other than that, you’re completely unaware of how these things work. It doesn’t bother Gojo. In fact, he quite likes that he can be just a regular man around you, and he basks in the comfort of not having to worry about your safety if ever you were also like him.

He met you when you were just still a barista who helped your boss bake from time to time. Gojo was only a student then who hopped from one cafe to another in search of the best delicacy, but he got more than what he bargained from when he met the fresh-faced and bubbly young woman standing behind the counter whose smile was sweeter than the most sugary dessert you’ve ever made.

As the two of you grew older, Gojo supported you in building your own cafe since you’re so passionate about it and it’s been your dream since childhood.

He still remembers how you’d spend hours in the kitchen trying out new ingredients, so much so that you forget to eat on most days. Gojo is left with the task of literally hauling your ass up upstairs and force you to shower with him. You lie that you’re not really tired, but the moment his skilled hands roll the tension out of your shoulders, a contented and grateful sigh paints those lips he loves to kiss.

One of the things Gojo loves doing with you is taste-testing. He’s not around the house most of the time when you work since he’s a busy man himself, but on the days he actively chooses to annoy Principal Yaga and go AWOL, he’d sit obediently on the counter and let you use him as your own taste experimenting dummy.

When night falls and you’re just about ready to head to bed; satisfied and proud of another day of hard work, Gojo comes home early to help you clean up the cafe and prop the furniture so you don’t overstrain your muscles.

Or at least, he wants to come home early to help you. It’s just that he often gets carried away on his missions and stays behind a lot longer than he’d like because the world of curses is extremely demanding. After seeing that you probably already lifted all these heavy chairs and cleaned up everything by yourself even when you’re tired, and you still have the ability to smile and laugh like that in Nanami’s presence when he should be the one on the receiving end, Gojo is unable to fight back the twisting feeling that pools in his stomach.

Forcing a huge grin on his face, Gojo loudly smacks the paper bag in the table between you and Nanami, his hands resting on the blond’s shoulder who only groans at his presence. “Yo!” He greets, winking when your eyes gleam brighter now that your husband is home.

There’s no trace or hint of anything that could indicate you’re upset with him because he didn’t come home early. Instead, you bow and excuse yourself while picking up your cups and the small plate where remnants of your signature tart had been, and Gojo watches with longing eyes as you disappear in the back room.

Now that you’re gone, Gojo drops in your seat, takes off his blindfold, and glares at Nanami. “Nanamin,” he drawls out. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here – getting chummy with my wife, no less.”

Gojo knows he’s being petty and childish. Of course he is. This is Nanamin we’re talking about; the man is as frigid and stone and he’s as interested in romantic relationships as much as he respects Gojo Satoru. Plus, it’s you, and you have eyes for Gojo and Gojo only, but it’s also Gojo Satoru who’s mixed in the formula, and he’s not the least bit ashamed that he’s being immature right now.

Of course he’s jealous. Of course he’s possessive.

You’re his sweet, little wife – of course he doesn’t like it.

As if reading his mind but couldn’t be bothered to deal with him, Nanami slides an envelope across the table. “Ijichi took a sick leave so he couldn’t give this to you. I was tasked to hand it over to you instead so I came around. It’s not my fault you come home late and your wife insisted I have a short meal before I came home,” Gojo opens his to retort something stupid when you emerge from the back, pretty face tired yet still patient as ever.

“Leaving already, Nanami?” You smile up at him, hand slipping through Gojo’s bigger and rough ones. He doesn’t know why the gesture leaves him stunned, especially when you step close enough that he feels your heat on this sudden cold night. He’s so entranced by everything about you he doesn’t even notice the blond bidding his farewell.

Gojo watches as you turn to face him, smaller hands reaching up to caress his face. Now that his blindfold is gone, his hair falls down to forehead, your dainty fingers brushing them away from his eyes so you could marvel in its beauty.

Like a little kid, he melts into a puddle when you do that exact eye-smile he’s seen you do with Nanami, only this time, it’s reserved, private, and intimate.

Gojo shuts his eyes in the process, nearly stumbling forward, which he doesn’t really let happen with anyone because he’s the Gojo Satoru; strongest jujutsu sorcerer. But you don’t mind, you never do, and if anything it only makes you laugh when he pretends to be deadweight by collapsing into the crook of your neck.

“What a big baby,” you tease with your hand rubbing up and down his back in a soothing motion, all the tiredness and exhaustion from his day disappearing into thin air.

“Yes,” he concedes as he follows you up the stairs where you both change into your pyjamas and settle in for the night. “But I’m your big baby.”

The nickname makes you laugh, head thrown back as giggles erupted in your chest. You’ve already removed your makeup, hair down from your work hairnet and flowing in loose waves. Gojo stifles a gasp then, because you’re in his arms, in his bed, smelling like him, and you’re so soft, so free, so vulnerable and the way you lean into his shoulders while he rubs his cheek on the crown of your head makes him feel like he’s falling in love all over again.

He’ll never get tired of this – of you.

The mere thought of seeing you with someone else that isn’t him doesn’t sit well with Gojo. Now he understands why he’s so jealous and immature – it’s because he hasn’t wanted anyone or anything as much as he loves you.

He can’t imagine a life where he’ll wake up to his mornings without your limbs sprawled across his longer ones, or how he may never hear your sleep talks about birds and butterflies; which is utterly ridiculous, but because it’s you, he finds it adorable. Sometimes Gojo wonders how he ever even lived before meeting, but of course, those were days filled with nothing but him doing weird stupid shit.

Not that he’s stopped doing that, but now at least he’s doing those weird stupid with you.

And he only ever wants to share those with you, so he doesn’t and will never allow anyone else to take what’s rightfully his. You’re his wife, the love of his life, the sunshine in his mornings and the sunset of his beautiful dusk.

He doesn’t care if he’s petty – he’s got every right to be jealous because Gojo Satoru never shares what’s his.

When his mind races back to the way you smile for Nanami again, his hold on you grows tighter. You don’t complain when Gojo suddenly presses his lips into yours, a breathy moan blessing his ears once he finally moves on top of you. Gojo runs his hand under your – his – shirt, letting those talented hands of his roam upon the expanse of his skin like an artwork he’ll never get tired of looking at.

“Missed you,” he mumbles in between the lip-locking, leaning closer when your nails start to scratch his scalp as a way to soothe him from the night. Nothing about the kiss is hurried or fervent; rather, it’s calm and steady, slow and passionate, much like how everything he feels for you is similar to a calm, rainy day where he’ll stay in with a hot cup of chocolate.

You’re home – warmth and comfort – and you know you’re his just as he knows he’s yours, but it doesn’t stop him from kissing you like he wants you to never forget that.

You shiver when Gojo’s fingers tickle your ribcage, that spot always having been sensitive. Your husband swipes his tongue over your lips that still tastes like strawberries from your lipbalm, and he groans, falling forward when you allow him access into your sweet, sweet mouth. Meanwhile, you travel down from his hair into those broad, strong shoulders that always seemed like a fortress to you.

Gojo was so big and strong compared to you. There’s no denying he could easily break you if he wanted to, but he’s nothing but gentle – perhaps a little eager – when he holds you like this.

There’s no memory of how you end up on top of his lap that night with the covers barely strewn across your bodies, Gojo’s back pressing into the bed frame that’s witnessed endless nights of passion. His hands then run over your hips, squeezing it a little too hard until you rut against his hips.

“Hmm,” you moan into his mouth at the friction, while Gojo only smirks at your reaction. Even after years, you’re still so sweet, sensitive, and responsive – he just can’t get enough of it. “Satoru,” the way you say his name is so breathy, almost as if it’s a secret only the two of you should know, so he listens intently at your next words. “You’re a little needy tonight. Did something happen?”

“No,” he lies, smiling to himself once he sees your lips are red and bruised. He’s sure he looks the same, but your eyes are glossed over with love that he can’t resist you pulling you to him as if the space offends him. He trails his lips down to your neck to leave red patches of marks that claims you as his – not that the gold wedding band on your fingers wasn’t doing the job already.

Like the good girl you are, you tilt your head and allow him to do as he pleases. He sucks, licks, kisses and nips at the skin, all the while careful to not hurt you or push you over to the edge since both of you are too tired for the day to ever do anything.

Your head drops to the crook of his neck then, arms wrapped around his shoulders loosely as if you trusted him to catch you whenever you fall – and you know he will. He always will.

Later on, you grow sleepy at the way he starts to pepper kisses into your skin that addictingly smells like cinnamon and vanilla all at the same time. Gojo chuckles to himself at how peaceful you look in that moment, draped over him like a tiny puppy who lives in a world too big for themselves, but that’s not true.

You’re bigger than the universe itself, larger than the vast galaxies he held beneath those eyes, and Gojo finally stops being jealous.

There’s no need to be, after all, not when he’s the one you trust wholeheartedly to tuck you in bed while your soft breathing lulls him into slumber as well. Gojo flicks the lamp off with his finger, not wasting another second before he scoots closer, closer, closer until there’s no more recollection of where you begin and where he ends.

He stands corrected in his statement.

He’ll never get tired of this, of you, for you’re bigger than the universe itself and there’s still a lot of space between the two of you that he can’t wait to cross until your worlds crash and burn.

“Next time,” he promises before kissing your eyelids, “I’ll come home earlier.”

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lordeasriel · 2 years ago

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What don’t you like about the tv show version of Marisa

Well, it's not Marisa, for one thing. It's a very crude and poor attempt at bringing her on-screen. Talking about what I dislike about her means this gets intrinsic with the show's greatest flaws, because they are a big part of what is wrong with her portrayal.

First issue I have is that she is a very washed down version of what Marisa is. She's soft, purposeless other than "Lyra is my daughter" and overall she is a dull character. Had Book! Lyra ever met her, she would have found Show!Marisa boring.

Marisa's lack of purpose is deeply tied with many narrative problems, such as shallow worldbuilding (the non-women scholar bullshit from season 2, for one, and the lack of daemons) and even with Boreal, they played it very safe and boring. When Marisa deals with him in the books, she is power-playing and very strongly too; he isn't a nobody. In the show is very meh, Boreal is almost on even grounds with her, which makes her scheming silly and uninterested. Worse than that, she whines and cries so much in front of him (in episode 5, season 2 specifically, and this is where I left the show and I do not intend to come back lol) that it makes no sense. Marisa's vulnerability is only seen in specific moments of the book — with Asriel at the bridge, then later at the abyss, once with Lyra in the caves. There is a reason why she is vulnerable in those instances, and only then. Making her open herself to Boreal is utter garbage, plain and simple.

Second issue I have is how they set the tone for her to be a scorned mother. The show plays, again and again, the "I've always wanted you Lyra but--" card. They make it seem like Asriel stole Lyra from Marisa's throbbing chest and disappeared into the night, and oh! how desperately she has looked for her beloved child. Honestly! All the fucking books, even TBOD, show how she didn't want Lyra then and when she finally did, it was out of self interest and vanity. Only later, in TAS, is when she finally warms up to Lyra. They erased her character development for the sake of some motherly tears and I loathe it.

This pair's with Sami's latest post which just proves what I've been saying since season one: they took a great, leading character female character and they made it all about motherhood. It's insulting. Marisa is so much more than a mother. She never wanted to be a mother.

Third issue is the "She is bad because of how oppressed she has been" issue. Northern Lights, chapter four - Lyra dines with the women and the master and you have a whole discussion on female scholars and how Lyra felt pity for them and so on and how Mrs. Coulter was very different. Like, anyone who had actually bothered reading the novels could tell you that Lyra's world is a patriarchal world, but the women still find their way around, as they have since forever in our world.

Now for the show, this pisses me off on many levels, but my main issue is with how they try, so hard, to have Marisa say - and this is important, it's never shown, it's only ever said by her - how men get the better end of the deal, how she had to work so hard to get where she was and blah blah blah. Honestly, this is very true for the show; they bothered very little to write meaningful women into it, the one change I would have appreciated very much, but as in regards to the truth of the character, it's just nonsense. This whole shenanigan could have been fixed with Hannah Relf's presence, because she alone would prove that Marisa's cruelty and malice are innate traits, not a byproduct of her world being sexist. It makes no sense.

If you're looking for more insight into that, I recommend Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss which is an analysis of episode 5, season 2 and this patriarchy business on the show. It's very good and insightful and more reasonable than I will ever be discussing the show lol

There's no excuse for Marisa's poorly written character. It's a waste of Ruth Wilson's acting and a damn shame for a studio that so often claimed to have learned from the movie's mistakes (which they, very very obviously did not as Marisa from the show and the movie are very, very similar). That's why I've only stuck with books since season 2, because while Philman sometimes does stuff I don't entirely agree with, he has a great grasp on the woman he wrote, which is why I leave you with Madame Delamare's own words about Marisa, something the show writers failed utterly to understand and therefore could never truly bring her to screen:

"Delicately and subtly," she mocked "Marisa would know how to show some force. Some character. She was all the man you'll never be."

#marisa coulter #meta by effie #hdm meta: marisa coulter #thanks for the ask! sorry for the rant!

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kyovtani · 4 years ago

Text

𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 – 𝒊𝒘𝒂𝒊𝒛𝒖𝒎𝒊 𝒉𝒂𝒋𝒊𝒎𝒆

࿏ pairing: iwaizumi hajime x chubby female reader ࿏ genre: fluff, smut, angst; best friends to lovers!AU ࿏ word count: 11.6k (at this point i have no explanation, im sorry) ࿏ warnings: swearing, mentions of body image issues, self doubts, anxiety, bullying, fat shaming; as well as violence and blood (iwa gets into a fight mwah); ddlg (daddy dom-little girl) dynamics, soft dom!iwa, body worship, praising, sugarcoated degradation, spitting, choking, fingering, face riding, unprotected sex

࿏ Summary: After four years of trying to get over your stupid crush on your best friend, said male finally comes back home and all of a sudden all of those plans are thrown overboard...

Even though you‘ve known about it for so long now, you still feel your heart skip a beat when Matsukawa mentions his return to Japan and no matter how hard you try to, you can‘t help the way the disgusting mixture of anxiety, nervousness and excitement starts filling your veins.

After all it‘s been literal years since you‘ve last seen him.

Iwaizumi Hajime, former Seijoh Ace, now freshly majored athletic trainer, your best friend of ten years and — love of your life.

However, of course he doesn‘t know about the latter and as pathetic as it may sound, you‘re quite proud of yourself for hiding your feelings for him so well that he hasn‘t suspected anything in all these years the two of you have been friends.

Of course it‘s painful and basically nothing but literal torture to watch the guy you‘ve lost your heart to years ago, move on with his life thinking he‘s nothing but a friend to you, but you know you‘d always choose this pain over the one of rejection and shame.

Because after all you‘re not his type or what he looks for in a partner and you're very much aware of it.

And no matter how many times you daydream about a life as his girlfriend, you won’t ever forget about the fact that Iwaizumi Hajime, basically a literal athlete, would never date someone who looked like you.

Growing up on the bigger side, physically wise, has always been difficult and something you're struggling with to this day. You had always hoped for those extra pounds to disappear once you hit puberty, just like it had happened to all of your friends but those hopes were quickly destroyed when you still found yourself hiding from full length mirrors to avoid having to look at your own body in your third year of High School.

By the time you turned eighteen, you had tried every kind of diet in hopes of losing weight but all of them just ended with you losing motivation and every bit of your happiness and even though you still struggle with it in your mid-twenties, you‘ve come to terms with it.

This is who you are and despite taking literal decades to realize it, you‘ve slowly but surely started accepting it.

However, when it comes to relationships, you‘ve given up completely.

After years and years of being rejected, hidden, fat shamed and disrespected by men who hated their own attraction to bigger women, you stopped wasting your time and energy on dating. If you wanted to hear someone shame you for being big, you could just go home to your family or back in your memory to remember all those mean things the skinny girls in your school had thrown at you.

Or you could just look in the mirror and let your brain do the job after eating literally anything.

Just thinking about a guy like Iwaizumi looking at you in that way has you chuckling coldly and every time you imagine confessing to him, it ends with a broken heart on your side because your brain loves to keep things realistic and never once have you considered the possibility of him liking you back.

It‘s not that Iwaizumi, or any of the Seijoh Volleyball boys, have treated you badly or even slightly differently in the three years you were their manager, but after having to deal with fat shaming your whole life, it has become quite difficult for you to believe that anyone found you attractive at all.

Especially people like the widely known Seijoh third years who also happen to – still – be your closest friends.

And unfortunately, as glad as you are that Iwaizumi remains rather oblivious to your year-long crush on him, the other boys, including the professional athlete to be, Oikawa Tōru who’s currently living his best life in Argentina are pretty much aware of your feelings for the trainer.

So, just as usual whenever the topic of Iwaizumi Hajime enters the conversation between the other two, you’re met with pitying stares from Takahiro and a lot of teasing coming from Issei. But at this point you’ve gotten quite used to it and don’t mind the brunette’s words, whereas you still find yourself growing absolutely annoyed at the way Makki stared at you.

“Stop staring at me like that, Hiro!”, you hiss and roll your eyes, the pity in his face so evident, if you didn’t know any better you’d think he’s mocking you.

“Just confess to him already!”, the strawberryblonde hisses, running one of his pale hands through his locks before he takes a big sip from his beer.

“Yeah, sure!”, you spit back, your words dripping in sarcasm and annoyance as you try to avoid your chest from growing even heavier at the thought of your best friend coming back after all those years.

“He broke up with that blondie months ago”, Matsukawa begins, his naturally sleepy gaze roaming your face attentively, “and he’s coming back to Japan. Now you really have no excuse left, Y/N”, and just as usual his words hit the right spot and all you can do is let out a shaky sigh before the intensity of your insecurities breaks down onto you like a huge wave.

“I‘m not his type, Mattsun”, you hiss, the bitter taste of reality coating the muscle of your tongue in the worst way possible, “and I‘ve had enough males reject and– or fat shame me. If I have to add Hajime to that list as well, it’s going to break me.”

You feel the two males’ soft gazes on you, whereas you can‘t help but focus on the napkin in between your fingers in hopes of distracting yourself from all those dark thoughts by nervously pulling at it.

“Iwa‘s not like that, Y/N”, Makki replies, brows furrowed in irritation; something you've grown quite used to seeing whenever the topic of your body image issues occured.

“Has he ever dated a big girl before, hm?”, you reply and look at him with arched brows and your lips pressed into a thin line. At the lack of response from the two men in front of you, you just lean back and nod.

“That‘s the point”, you take another deep, shaky breath; the tears threatening to spill from your glossy eyes at the thought of your pretty faced best friend and only men in your heart, “nobody likes women who look like me in that certain way, my loves. Every guy I‘ve been and slept with wanted to hide me or the relationship we had because they didn‘t want to be seen with a big girl.”

Suddenly you‘re hit with the memory of all those times you went home after any kind of intercourse with a male who had brought your hopes up with sugarcoated lies. Only to receive a harsh reality check when they asked you to not tell anyone about it, knowing it‘s simply because of the fact you aren‘t part of society‘s beauty standards.

“Y/N, we-”, “I‘m not talking about you two”, you‘re quick to interrupt Hanamaki, giving him a soft smile, “I know you don‘t care about it and sometimes I find myself wishing I would have fallen for one of you instead of the professional trainer”, you let out an empty, coldhearted chuckle before you finish your glass of wine in one go.

“I would fuck you without hesitation”, Mattsun shrugs, his plump lips stretching into a playful smirk and the tiny hint of seriousness in his gaze has you rolling your eyes with a soft scoff.

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Issei”, Makki hisses and gives his best friend the same reaction as you.

“What? I‘m being serious! You know this isn‘t the first time I‘m offering this to you, pretty one”, the brunette replies and this time you can‘t help but chuckle softly at his words, showing him your appreciation for his ability to make such heavy topics vanish from the surface so easily.

“Thank you, Issei but that guy I met on Tinder has been ghosting me for two weeks after we fucked and that‘s why I‘ve had enough dick for now”, and just when you let your gaze roam over the brunette‘s handsome face, you watch Hanamaki‘s face brighten up suddenly and furrow your brows in confusion.

“Hearing Y/N talk about dick is definitely not what I was expecting to come back to but it‘s surely a surprise!”

And upon hearing the familiar voice of your best friend, you understand the reason behind the change in Makki’s expression.

You watch the other two get up from their chairs, approaching the freshly majored trainer with the biggest smiles plastered on their faces whereas you try your best to stay as calm as possible.

However, the simple thought of Iwaizumi coming back had already stressed you out and having him stand behind you in all his glory made the tightness in your chest and the struggle to take proper breaths intensify just like that.

After what feels like an eternity you finally get yourself to stand up as well, turning around literally convinced you‘re ready to see him again after all these years only for it to be the exact opposite.

Your heart skips a whole beat at the sight of Iwaizumi and for a quick second you feel yourself getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen in your lungs.

“Hey”, he mumbles, his voice deep and raspy, something you‘re used to since the two of you have been talking regularly on the phone over the time yet hearing it in person again sends a jolt of hot arousal right into your core.

You nervously let your eyes roam his face; taking in the sight of his features, which have become even sharper during his absence. A soft sigh falls past your lips when you find the little scar right underneath his eyebrow which he had gotten back in middle school during one of his volleyball practices. The familiarity and feeling of security in the soft expression of his pretty, dark green eyes calms you down in an instant and by the time you feel your muscles ease up a bit, he‘s already approaching you with open arms.

Different than you’ve expected from yourself, you‘re quick to wrap your arms around his slim waist, taking him into your embrace with the intention of never letting him go again and at the feeling of his big hands on your body, you can‘t help but tear up a little.

You sniffle softly against the crook of his neck, Iwaizumi letting out a breathy chuckle at your sweet reaction as he caresses your back gently, subconsciously massaging your soft flesh to calm you down even more.

“Seems like someone missed me a lot more than she wanted to admit on the phone, hm?”, Iwa mumbles softly, placing the sweetest kiss on the top of your head as he holds you tight.

Matsukawa and Hanamaki let out a row of deep chuckles, partly laughing at your obvious reaction and partly because of their best friend‘s blatant oblivion.

“Shut up”, you reply with a sniff, taking in the light yet intense smell of his aftershave as well as the scent of detergent you had missed oh so much.

“Enough now, Y/N”, Mattsun huffs, “you can cuddle his stupid ass some other time, let‘s catch up with Mister America”, he adds and you know too well the tall brunette simply does it to stop you from falling even further into this dark hole you‘ve dug yourself; all those years ago.

Throughout the whole night, you stay rather quiet; listening to Iwaizumi‘s stories, more so to his voice but definitely his stories, too.

And every time he mentions some random girl he hooked up with or one of his ex girlfriends, you can literally feel the way he‘s avoiding your gaze; his eyes moving away from your face to focus on the guys as his voice turns a little less enthusiastic. You try your best not to read anything into it, knowing he‘s always been more hesitant towards you when it came to topics like this and in some way you find yourself appreciating it because it definitely helps to make the pain in your chest a little less heavy.

The atmosphere between the four of you remains calm; the familiarity something you‘ve always missed despite you and the other two boys spending just as much time together as you used to back in High School. Having Iwaizumi in your little circle again definitely has changed the air and it‘s in times like these you realize just how close you all actually are.

However, when Hanamaki and Matsukawa both stand up, cigarettes firmly placed between their plump lips, telling the two of you to give them a few minutes, you feel yourself slowly wandering into a state of anxiousness and slight panic.

It‘s not like you haven‘t talked to him alone during his stay in America, but the thought of having to look him in the eyes as you speak has always been something you‘ve struggled with.

Iwaizumi has this certain expression in his beautiful, dark green eyes, which makes it so much harder to not fall for him even more.

You don‘t know if it‘s the confidence and lack of insecurity or the mixture of softness and home which have the butterflies in your stomach go absolutely crazy.

Neither of you say anything for a good minute, your eyes glued to your phone screen which continuously lights up; Oikawa‘s name appearing several times.

You excuse yourself to give the professional athlete the responses he‘s waiting for, rolling your eyes at his way of telling you to shoot your shot at Iwa and “get that D”.

“Are you still talking to that one guy you told me about?”, Iwaizumi suddenly says, his eyes never once leaving yours and with a soft chuckle, you shake your head; enjoying the amount of protectiveness dripping from his words.

“We fucked and then he ghosted me”, you say casually, not realizing that it‘s not one of the other two boys you‘re talking to and with a soft gasp of embarrassment you try to mumble your way out of the situation.

“Iwa, I‘m-”, “Why the fuck would he even do that? Give me his fucking address so I can introduve his kneecaps to my baseball bat”, he‘s quick to interrupt you harshly, his tone filled with anger as his eyes gleam with wrath.

“It‘s okay”, you smile softly, placing your hand on his balled fists to calm him down again, “he told me not to tell anyone that we did it so his intentions have never been good. And on top of that – his dick game was so bad, I didn‘t even get to finish but had to take care of it myself, so it‘s definitely not worth the headache.”

You watch Iwaizumi‘s expression darken even further, his beautiful dark green eyes roaming your face with irritation oozing from his gaze and for a second you like to believe that there‘s even a hint of jealousy in between all those intense emotions but just as usual you find yourself shaking it off rather quickly.

“Why did he ask you not to tell anyone? What the fuck is even wrong with that guy?”, the brunette spits, downing the rest of his beer in one go.

You know why he‘s this angry and at this point you can’t even blame him anymore. Iwaizumi has never really understood why you put up with guys who treated you like absolute shit; continuously telling you how you deserved so much better and even though you wanted to agree, you simply couldn‘t. Because in your head, all those men who were ashamed of being with you yet still found their way to your door were exactly what was meant to be your life.

“Because being with a woman like me isn‘t anything he‘s proud of, Iwa”, you sigh, the words heavy and bitter on your tongue as you struggle to voice the hard reality.

“A woman like you?”, he replies and you see the genuine confusion on his handsome face, making his oblivion sweet almost.

“A big woman, Iwaizumi. Guys don‘t date big girls because we don‘t fit into society‘s beauty standards so being with us is something they‘re ashamed of because God forbid someone thinks they find us attractive“, you nervously play with the hem of your skirt, not having the courage to look into his face as those thing leave your lips, too embarrassed to meet his usually so welcoming and soft, but now wrath-filled gaze.

“That‘s bullshit”, Hajime is quick to spit back, hating the way you belittle yourself like that because of a random guy.

You smile, a soft scoff falling past your lips before you take a sip from the glass in front of you and even though you know you‘re going to regret those words, you still can‘t get yourself to stop from leaving you.

“Then why have you never dated a big girl, Haji?”, your voice is slightly shaky yet you remain the eye contact like a champion, never once averting your gaze from his handsome face even though the thrumming of your heart in your throat makes it so much more difficult to stay focused.

Iwaizumi seems taken aback; your words obviously hitting a place he wasn‘t expecting and that‘s when the feeling of guilt reaches its peak.

“I‘m not- It‘s not because I don‘t find them attractive I just- I uhm-”, the freshly majored professional trainer stumbles over his words like a two-year-old who just started learning how to speak and at the sight of a deep blush covering the apples of his cheeks as well as the tip of his nose and the whole of his neck, you let out a soft sigh.

“You don‘t have to explain yourself, Iwaizumi. I wasn‘t trying to accuse you of anything or offend you in any way, I promise. It’s just a topic I‘ve grown really tired of in the past few years”, you explain, making sure to choose your words carefully and when the tall male suddenly starts calming down again, you know you‘ve got him.

“Y/N, look-”, “Hey, Y/N the weak-dick-game guy is sitting at the bar with his ugly friends, just for your information”, Matsukawa‘s deep voice quickly cuts Iwaizumi off, his words sending shivers down your spine in the most disgusting way possible and with an almost painful roll of your eyes, you down the rest of your best friend‘s beer.

“Wait- What? Which one is it?”, Iwaizumi grunts, the calmness from a few seconds ago completely gone as you look at him with brows furrowed in slight irritation and annoyance.

“It doesn‘t matter, Iwa”, you say and wrap your fingers around his tattooed wrist, making him look into your eyes with another soft exhale, “he‘s not worth it. Just let it go.”

“Y/N, I said”, Iwaizumi is quick to place one of his big hands on your cheek, the dominance in his aura and the authority gleaming in his eyes has you gasping for air and just as usual you feel your panties growing wetter by the minute, “which one is it?”

His words don‘t leave room for protest; so strict and demanding, no matter how hard you try to think rationally, his naturally dominant persona has you submitting to him in a way no other guy has ever managed to.

“T-The one with the long, dark purple Hair”, you quickly reply, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth at the sight of Iwaizumi‘s anger and determination.

“Good girl”, he mumbles and pulls away, not even aware of the way his praise has your cunt throbbing like crazy and you absolutely hate him for it.

For a second you can‘t even get back to reality, the haze of arousal and longing for the tall male standing in front of you completely taking over your consciousness.

However, as soon as your brain registers Makki‘s panicked voice, you‘re quick to snap back and without missing another beat, you grab Iwaizumi‘s arm and look at him with pleading eyes.

“Please don‘t make a scene”, you whisper, knowing oh too well how much he loves to get himself in trouble because of his friends.

“He fucked then ghosted you all that while saying he doesn‘t want anyone to know he was with you because you're a big girl? That ugly fucker needs a fucking reality check because he can count himself hella fucking lucky to ever get a go with a woman as amazing and hot as you”, Iwaizumi hisses, his words filled with anger yet so, so sweet that without giving it another thought, you simply let go and try not to show him just how flustered he‘s gotten you.

“Are you guys about to kiss right now?”, Matsukawa suddenly says and with an almost audible roll of your eyes you lift your hand up, showing him your middle finger before you watch Iwaizumi‘s brows furrow even further with visible irritation.

“Then don‘t fight him”, you sigh, “please, Hajime, don‘t get yourself in trouble for a guy who‘s not worth it.”

“We‘ll see about it”, is all he says before he moves out of your tight grip, leaving you to stand at the table like that.

You feel your heart picking up its pace at the sight of the love of your life approaching your ex-hook up; several worst case scenarios popping up in your head within a few short seconds. And unfortunately every single one ends with Hajime throwing his fist into the guy‘s face because of his raging anger issues; something he‘s been trying to handle throughout his whole life.

“Makki, please do something”, you whimper and look at the strawberryblonde with glossy eyes; shivers running down your spine at the sudden sound of Hajime's deep voice cutting through the music of the bar.

“Not into you my fucking ass”, Takahiro hisses and follows Iwaizumi with quick steps, whereas Matsukawa remains next to you, watching the scene unfold with the fattest, shit eating grin on his face.

And while you‘re worried about Iwaizumi‘s well-being, said male can‘t even seem to think straight. The only thing he manages to focus on is the raging anger and hot wrath rushing through his veins at the thought of some random, small dicked guy treating you like dirt. With every step he takes, it seems to get worse and at some point the professional trainer is worried about his physical health because of the pace his heart is hammering against his rib cage with.

Iwaizumi has always struggled to understand why you put up with males who are literally unworthy of your presence yet every time he had asked, you simply shrugged and told him that this was how you were meant to be loved. Behind closed doors, hidden away from the world by people who literally worship the society‘s beauty standard.

And all of that when you‘ve had him right in front of you for all those years, ready to love and worship every bit of your body and soul.

Of course for you to let him love you he might have had to tell you about his feelings but as the years passed by, Iwaizumi slowly started to lose every bit of hope he had left. During his four year long absence you‘ve had your fair share of boyfriends and after the third one, the only choice he had left was to force himself to move on or else he would have lost his mind.

It‘s not like he never wanted to confess during High School but there was just something holding him back. The thought of losing you was heavy on his chest especially because Iwaizumi was very well aware you didn‘t feel the same. So for his own sake he chose not to tell you about his feelings for you; not even bearing the mental image of going through such rough times without you by his side.

He‘s already lost count of the amount of times he wanted to scream at you about how he would treat you just how you truly deserved to be treated and not like those douchebags who liked to use you for their own pleasure just to throw you away like a used tissue once they were done.

And after not being able to physically do anything for you because of the distance, he‘s finally got the chance to show you that no, those guys‘ behavior is not okay and yes, putting them back into their place is absolutely worth the headache.

“Hey”, the trainer hisses, coming to stand directly in front of the tall, purple haired guy, Rin Matsuoka, who‘s quick to harden his expression upon seeing the brunette.

“What can I help you with, big guy?”, Rin mumbles, placing his bottle of beer on the counter with his brows raised in curiosity.

Iwaizumi doesn‘t even waste another minute as he harshly grabs the collar of Rin‘sblack leather jacket, pulling him closer to himself. His friends rather quickly, yet Hanamaki and this time even Matsukawa are faster, coming to stand right next to each one of them with their arms firmly placed in front of their bodies to stop them from intervening.

“You‘re gonna listen to me and you‘re gonna listen good, did you fucking hear me?”, and just like a few minutes ago, Hajime‘s voice is cold and distant, not leaving room for discussion all while making sure to keep his tight grip.

The confusion and immense irritation is clearly visible on Rin‘s features; brows furrowed, jaw tensed and eyes gleaming with some kind of unnameable anger.

And the longer you watch the situation unfold, the heavier the anxiety in your system becomes and as you struggle to take proper breaths, you find yourself approaching your best friends; not wanting him to get his hands dirty on a guy like Matsuoka.

“What the-”, “Iwa please, he‘s not worth it..”, you say and wrap your fingers around his wrist, trying to find his gaze with desperate eyes only for him to gulp harshly and calmly tell you to take a step back.

“You?”, Rin spits, his dark eyes boring into your side as you try to ignore him; the amount of humiliation and shame washing over your body way too overwhelming to handle.

“Haji, let‘s just go, please”, you whisper, taking his face into your hands, his skin literally burning underneath your fingertips.

“No, Y/N, this stupid bastard has to understand that you can‘t just go and treat women like absolute dirt and get away with it”, Iwaizumi moves out of your soft touch, making Rin shift his attention back on you before the deep voice of one of his friends cuts through the tension.

“What the fuck is he talking about, Rin? Do you know her?”, the blonde says, his tone rather degrading when talking about you and at the way his eyes roam your body with a rather opposed expression show you exactly why that‘s the case.

“N-No, I don‘t!”, he‘s quick to defend himself, his eyes shifting to his friends with sheer panic filling the dark color and you feel your heart sink and the disgusting feeling of shame rushing through your veins.

“You‘re such a fucking piece of shit, Rin”, you hiss and swallow your tears; the taste bitter as the realization of being sometjing to be ashamed of hits you yet again.

“You definitely weren‘t acting like this when you fucked me”, you add and roll your eyes, taking a step back as the anger overcomes you and you basically give Iwaizumi a silent free pass to do whatever the hell he needs to, “or better said – when you tried to. It wasn‘t like I came with your weak dick game anyway so..”

“You fucked that fat bitch? Oh, yikes”, the other friend suddenly says, his words hitting you in the face like literal bricks and before you can even take your next breath or shift your eyes to the face the voice belongs to, the guy suddenly falls to the floor, holding his bloody nose.

You let out a shocked gasp, your eyes falling to Hanamaki who‘s busy shaking his hand, his knuckles already reddened and slightly bruised as he looks at you with a satisfied grin, “no one gets to call my best friend a bitch.”

“I was full on drunk and- do you really think I‘d fuck her sober?”, Rin tries to talk himself out of it and with a cold chuckle you throw your head back.

“How the fuck dare you talk to her like that”, is the last thing Iwaizumi spits before he throws his fist right into Rin‘s face with a deep grunt.

Another loud shriek escapes your lips and suddenly the anger and anxiety seem to leave your body and a huge wave of adrenaline hits you at the sight of your ex-hook up falling to the floor and Iwaizumi quickly moving with him.

For what feels like a whole hour but is probably nothing longer than a minute, you‘re literally frozen; your eyes the only moving part of your body as you watch your best friends break their knuckles on the jaws of literal strangers to them.

The following hour passes by in a blur. You can‘t really remember how or who separated them from those guys, or how you got yourself to call an uber and manage to get the four of you to your flat.

By the time the adrenaline stops making the blood rush in your ear, you‘re taking care of Matsukawa‘s wounds with shaky hands; the two others holding ice packs to their faces to ease the swelling of their bruises.

“Stop sighing so much”, Iwaizumi suddenly says, his dark eyes focusing the movements of your hands before he looks at you with a slightly softer expression, “we did what we had to do. And I‘m glad we did it. Those guys already looked so fucking punchable”, he explains and with a scolding scoff you press your lips to a thin line.

“You‘re back in Japan for how long? Two days? Yet already got yourself in trouble, a physical fight at that, Hajime. You‘re not your High School self anymore, start behaving that way, please”, you reply and hand Mattsun a plastic bag filled with ice cubes, softly caressing his bruised cheek before you stand up from your place on the floor.

“You got yourself one hell of a mouth while I was gone, huh?”, he replies cockily, poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue before he follows you into the bathroom.

You feel your body heating up at his words, the sexual tension laying underneath the surface slowly finding its way to you again and with a soft sigh, you ignore the brunette.

“How was I supposed to let him say all those things to you and not do anything, Y/N?”, Iwaizumi replies, a pouty word of gratitude leaving his lips when you take his big hand into yours and start cleaning up the blood on his bruised knuckles.

You try your best to stop your thoughts from wandering to sinful places yet images of those pretty, tattooed fingers wrapped around your throat and knuckle deep buried inside of your cunt have already filled your mind by the time you lower your gaze from his face.

“I‘m used to-”, “That does not make it okay, Y/N”, your best friend suddenly says, taking your chin in between his fingers to lift your head and look at you with those beautiful, dark green eyes.

“You deserve so, so much better and I‘m glad I can finally tell you this in person after all those years. Please stop letting douches like him take advantage of you”, he sighs, taking your hands into his and pulling you a little bit closer to himself.

“It‘s that or Matsukawa‘s cock and I‘d rather have a stranger emotionally pain me than my best friend, so-”, “What? What the fuck are you talking about?”, Iwaizumi interrupts you harshly, your words obviously irritating him.

“After my last boyfriend dumped me a year ago I‘ve only had casual flings because I got tired of using my hand to get off and Matsukawa offered to take care of it instead. But then again, it‘s just a lot less complicated with a stranger than it is with your best friend, that‘s why I‘m putting up with shit like this”, you explain to him and walk back into the living room where Mattsun and Makki are currently busy with your leftover take out from the previous night.

“So if it wasn‘t for that, you‘d let him fuck you?”, Iwaizumi‘s tone has turned cold again, the softness gone and replaced by something a little thicker and more intense than anger. And when you turn around to look at him, you see literal jealousy gleaming in the green color surrounding his iris, basically leaving you speechless.

“Why do you even care, Iwa?”, you reply, dramatically throwing your hands into the air as his tensed demeanor sends you in some kind of haze of irritation.

“Answer my fucking question, Y/N”, is all you get in response; the brunette closing the distance between the two of you with a few small steps and it‘s the lack of space between your faces that has you realizing just how unevenly he‘s breathing.

Your heart starts slamming against your rib cage with rather brutal pace, your head spinning from the sudden adrenaline shooting through your body and on top of all of it you feel your cunt clenching around nothing like crazy as Iwaizumi’s heavy scent fills your nose.

“Yes”, you say and feel your voice breaking, “yes, I would fuck Matsukawa because why not? Hm, Iwaizumi? There‘s nothing else stopping me from it other than-”, “You can‘t and won‘t fuck him”, he suddenly interrupts your outburst, his expression as dark as ever as he softly pushes you against wall.

“I think this is the moment where we‘re supposed to leave”, Makki mumbles, pulling Mattsun from the couch before they gather their things and leave the two of you to yourself.

As the silence surrounds the two of you, the tension grows even thicker, heavier, more present than before and with every breath you take you feel yourself growing more and more aroused.

“And why is that, hm? I can and will fuck whoever I want”, you spit back, trying so hard ot not let the arousal get to your head yet the disgusting urge to submit to Iwaizumi‘s naturally dominant personality slowly starts overwhelming you.

Hajime chuckles deeply, his eyes lazily roaming your face, pressing his strong body even further against yours as your head starts spinning more and more with every second passing by.

“Iwa…”, you whimper softly, throwing your head back and harshly digging gripping the soft fabric of his shirt; the close contact makes you a lot more nervous than before.

He slowly takes a deep breath before he bends down to let his nose graze your jawline, and eventually letting his mouth find its way to your ear.

“Because no one can fuck you like I can, pretty one”, Iwaizumi whispers, his voice a whole octave deeper than just a few seconds before and you hate the way every single one of his words sends a single, hot jolt of arousal right into your core.

“And”, you hear him inhale sharply, his hands finding their way to your hips, groping the soft flesh firmly in his palms before he takes a short break and then pulls away to look at you again, “no one can love you like I can.”

At the sound of those words, your eyes snap open within a second your heart skips a literal beat.

“W-What?”, you whisper, your throat completely dried up, your head desperately trying to process what he’s just said and just as your body is about to fall into some kind of haze, you feel yourself drowning in a wave of anxiety at the thought of having misheard him.

“I love you, Y/N”, Iwaizumi says just when those thoughts are about to take over you.

“Ha-Hajime…”, you mumble; your bottom lip starts to quiver as tears pricker at the corners of your eyes, the first few finding their way down your cheek in an instant.

A few seconds of silence pass in which you two just look at each other, Iwaizumi’s pupils blown out, cheeks tinted in the deepest shade of red and plump lips parted as he also tries to understand what just happened.

After all these years of imagining what it might be like to hear these kind of words from the love of your life, it’s finally become reality and the longer you look at him, the lighter the weight on your chest becomes.

“I’m sorry if I ruined our friendship with this but I just – couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. When I was in America I had promised myself to confess as soon as possible when I’m back so here I am. Those men don’t deserve you. Neither do I but I would have hated myself forever if I didn’t at least try. So”, he finishes his sudden explanation with another deep exhale before he takes a step back, his glossy eyes wandering from yours down to the floor, “thank you for everything and please take care.”

And fortunately your body acts a lot faster than your mind because while you still try to process his soft, sweet words – the words you’ve been dying to hear for so, so long – you find yourself tightening your grip on his shirt and pulling him back into you with a soft sob.

“I love you, too”, you whisper against his lips, pressing your forehead against his as your eyes flutter shut at the overwhelming warmth coming from his body.

“Fuck, baby”, Iwaizumi chuckles breathlessly, wrapping his arms around your body and burying his face in the crook of your neck, “I’m one lucky bastard, aren’t I?”

You smile brightly at his genuine and soft words, the feeling of coming home – a place you’ve longed for literal years – slowly breaks down onto you in the form of waves and for the first time in a really long time, you don’t mind being overwhelmed like that.

“So that means that you’re mine now?”, Iwaizumi whispers, pulling away and taking your face into his big hands, the smell of blood grazing your nose yet easily gets overshadowed by the way he’s looking at you as if you were holding the whole world in your hands.

You nod and move further into his touch, enjoying the feeling of being so safe and secure in one’s hands after not even feeling comfortable with anyone in years.

“T-Thank you for loving me, Iwa”, you gulp harshly, looking at him with teary eyes at the memory of all those who had managed to break your heart in the past years.

“No, baby”, he sighs, pressing the softest kiss right onto your lips, “thank you for letting me love you. When I say you’re literally everything I’ve ever dreamed of, I’m not even exaggerating because that’s what you are to me. A dream come true”, those are the last words Hajime mumbles before he pulls you into a proper kiss; not giving you the opportunity to reply.

The kiss starts off slow and calm. As if both of you were still trying to understand that this was actually happening because despite the hesitant movements, neither of you can hide the intense hunger lingering underneath every soft peck.

Iwaizumi, just as usual, lacks the patience to keep it going like that, not even trying to take it easier for even longer as he pulls your chin down and calmly pushes his tongue into your mouth, easily eliciting a soft moan from you. Your fingers find home in his brown curls, pulling at the thick strands and finally making him grunt right against your tongue; the deep sound sending vibrations and sweet little jolts of excitement through your whole body.

You slowly feel his hands wander; first starting off caressing your back, groping the soft flesh of your waist as well as the fingers of his right hand softly digging into your skin and for a second. You allow yourself to fall deeper and deeper into the perfect feeling of his touch until suddenly a mental image of his most recent ex-girlfriend pops up in your head and you stop functioning completely.

Iwaizumi lets his lips wander down your chin, placing a row of open mouthed kisses on your jaw before he moves to your neck and pulls the sensitive skin into his mouth without wasting another minute. The feeling of his hot tongue on your skin has your eyes rolling into the back of your head as you desperately try to distract yourself from your anxiety‘s attempt to ruin this for you.

You let out a soft whimper when Hajime wraps one of his big hands around one of your tits, harshly groping the flesh while rubbing his hard, clothed cock against your thick thigh.

His deep grunts and needy touches have you ruining your panties in no time to the point where the lacey fabric is literally sticking to your hot flesh in a rather uncomfortable way.

“Need you, baby”, Iwaizumi grunts, the movements of his hips rather sloppy and rushed yet so, so genuine and sweet, you can‘t help but smile softly.

“You got me, Haji”, you reply and take his handsome face into your hands, caressing his cheeks with your thumbs, “I‘m all yours.”

“Fuck, baby”, he moans and suddenly pulls away, his hands finding their way to the hem of your dress before he meets your eyes and wordlessly asks for your consent.

You give him a quick nod, pushing the voice of your anxiety all the way to the back of your head as Hajime slowly pushes the fabric up your thighs, revealing more and more skin before his eyes roll into the back of his eyes at the sight of your black lace panties.

He doesn‘t waste much time; quickly pulling the rest of it over your head and then taking a whole step back to let his greedy eyes roam your body with lust and nothing but adoration.

And when you realize your current, exposed state you take a deep breath to hold those insecurities back, however they‘re a lot faster than you are.

You nervously try to cover your naked body with your arms. Just the thought of him finding you and your body disgusting breaks your heart into pieces and with shivers of shame rushing down your spine, you lower your gaze.

“L-Look, I know it‘s not what you‘re used to and I- you don‘t have to touch me. I can just suck your cock or give you a handjob if you feel more comfortable that way”, you say, your voice a mere whisper and eventually breaking at the end when you give in to the tears.

“Baby…”, Iwaizumi sighs, pain evident in the tone of his voice. He calmly takes your wrists into his big hands before he pulls your arms away from your body, softly asking you to look at him and after what feels like an eternity, you manage to lift your head only to be met with nothing but warm, dark green eyes.

“You‘re fucking perfect”, he whispers and places a tiny little kiss on your lips, leaving you longing for more as he pulls away right afterwards, “there‘s literally nothing I would change about you.”

At the sound of those sweet words, you simply cannot hold back your tears any longer. You look at Iwaizumi with a quivering bottom lip as you let out a row of soft sobs; digging your nails into the skin of his wrists because you simply don‘t know what else to do.

For the first time in your life, your brain isn‘t protesting against a compliment and you know if it wasn‘t for him, there would be no way you‘d believe it.

“B-But your ex-girlfriends are the exact opposite and-”, “They don‘t matter, baby. You‘re you and it‘s all I could have asked for. I‘m in love with every part of your body and that has never been any different”, Iwaizumi interrupts you with his calm voice, placing his hands on your waist before one of them finds its way to your barely clothed ass.

“But-”, “No more buts”, the brunette says, a lot sterner and more determined, groping the flesh of your ass and then landing a firm spank on the soft flesh which has you whimpering into the crook of his neck.

Iwaizumi chuckles and pulls you into another deep kiss, sucking at your tongue, nibbling on your bottom lip all while his hands make sure to graze every bit of naked skin they can find. He pushes his leg in between your thighs, pressing it right against your cunt and without even wasting another second you find yourself grinding against the strong muscle. The fabric of his jeans rubs your throbbing clit in the best way possible, eliciting a row of needy whimpers from you.

You feel yourself soaking through the fabric of our lace panties and you know you‘re currently leaving a huge stain on Iwaizumi‘s pants but the pleasure clouding your mind makes it so easy to just ignore it.

“What a needy girl you are, baby”, Hajime mumbles, caressing the slightly dampened skin of cheeks with his thumb before he moves to graze your bottom lip and eventually pushes the digit into your open mouth.

Your lids fly open at the taste of his skin on your tongue, twirling the muscle around his thumb and then sucking on it softly, followed by some muffled moans of his name.

Iwaizumi watches you attentively for what feels like an eternity. His beautiful eyes wandering from the way you‘re rubbing your clunt against his clothed thigh to your perky nipples and then up to the way your lips look wrapped around his thumb like that and from the way his expression keeps growing darker and even hungrier, you know he‘s more than just enjoying your despair.

“I want to spit in your mouth”, he says, using the dominant tone you‘re oh so used to at this point and there‘s no way you‘d ever say no to him.

Something about being claimed in such a lewd way by the man you‘ve been dreaming of for years has you grinding your pussy into his thigh even harder; making sure to hit your clit with every rushed drag of your hips.

“Yes, p-please, Daddy”, you beg, not even overthinking any of your words as you part your lips and look at him with big, needy eyes.

When you notice the rather shocked and slightly overwhelmed expression on Iwaizumi‘s face, you gulp harshly, tilting your head to the side with your lips pushed into a concerned pout.

“What‘s wrong, Iwa?”, you whisper, way too scared of his response.

“You called me Daddy”, he replies and licks his plump lips, whereas you freeze completely at his comment.

“D-Did I? I‘m so sorry, Iwa”, the apology falls past your lips almost instantly at the realization because you know that not every guy is comfortable with such dynamic and even if Hajime definitely has a natural dominance to his personality, you should have waited a little longer before bringing this particular kink up.

“None of my boyfriends liked it and I don‘t like using it with completely strangers so I g-guess I just feel really safe with you and it slipped and I- oh, God, I‘m so sorry.”

You pull away from Iwaizumi with shaky hands, tears threatening to spill for the nth time within such a short period and you try your best to look everywhere but his eyes.

However, Iwaizumis seems to have other plans.

He takes your chin into his hand and pulls your face closer, nudges your nose with his own and then sucks your bottom lip into his mouth; making you whimper rather loudly.

“Say it again, baby”, he whispers, “tell Daddy how badly you want his spit.”

As his words echo inside of your brain, you let out a loud, high pitched whine, harshly trying to press your thigh further together ss the throbbing of your cunt becomes unbearable.

“Please, Daddy”, you reply, pushing his hand down to your neck and smiling softly when he wraps his pretty fingers around your throat, feeding right into every single fantasy you‘ve been imagining for so long, “spit in my mouth and on my cunt, I don‘t care. I just need it.”

“Good girl”, Iwa growls softly, “open up then, pretty one.”

You part your lips almost automatically at the sound of his demand, sticking your tongue out slightly and looking up at him with anticipation and such eagerness, if it wasn‘t for him, you would have never been as comfortable as this.

Iwaizumi smirks at you, keeping his grip on your throat firm but not too tight as he gathers his own saliva and spits into your mouth with a loud, lewd sound that sends shivers of pleasure straight down your spine and right into your core.

You can‘t stop your lips from stretching into a big smile when his taste coats the muscle of your tongue, swallowing it all in one go before you open your mouth yet again to show him it‘s all gone.

“Good fucking girl”, Iwaizumi praises you softly, caressing your cheek before he lets fo of your throat, “I got myself a perfect little doll, hm?”

“Thank you, Daddy”, you reply quickly, the intense urge to obey to his every word and submit to his every move absolutely overwhelming at this point, but you would never want it any other way.

“Look at you, using your manners for me. You‘re welcome, princess. What about a little reward for being so good for me, baby? Wanna sit on my face so I can eat that pretty pussy of yours?”, Iwaizumi takes you hand into his, intertwining his fingers with yours before he guides you to the couch, letting himself fall into the soft cushion whereas you try your best not to panic at his words.

Of course the thought of having his mouth on your cunt is more than just tempting but you've never sat on a guy‘s face before; the fear of literally suffocating him with your weight making it impossible for you to even think about it.

“C-Can‘t you just eat me out like this, Daddy?”, you whisper, looking down to meet Iwa‘s hungry gaze and stopping him from pulling your panties any further down your thighs.

“I‘m too heavy”, the explanation follows right away, not wanting him to think it has anything to do with him or his wishes, “I don‘t want to hurt you.”

“Baby, I want you to sit on my face so I can eat your pretty pussy. That‘s it”, Iwaizumi says, his right hand finding the clasp of your bra and quickly getting rid of it before he takes both of your tits into his big hands; toying with your nipples and attentively watching the way your gasps grow louder with every pull on the perky buds, “you don‘t have to if you don‘t want to but don‘t you dare worry about me because this has been a dream of mine for literal years. Oh, how badly I want to be squished by those pretty, thick thighs of yours – you have no idea.”

“I want to! It’s just that I’ve never done this before. A-Are you sure? Please don‘t think you have to want this to make me feel better, I‘m okay with whatever you‘re comfortable with”, you whisper, not trusting your voice when you suddenly feel Iwaizumi‘s fingers tracing patterns on the inside of your thighs.

“Enough of this, pretty one”, his words are accompanied by a firm spank on your naked ass cheek; the pain of the sting leaving your pussy a spasming mess and with a soft moan you tighten your grip in his hair, “now sit on my face or I won’t fuck you.”

“N-No! Daddy, I‘m sorry, I promise I‘ll be good”, you whine quickly letting go of him so he can lay on his back only for Iwaizumi to get rid of his black shirt; revealing his strong, well trained body and all those dark lines adorning his tanned skin to your hungry eyes.

It takes you a few good seconds to gain enough confidence to actually spread your legs over his face, your whole body shaking with nervousness. But once Iwaizumi wraps his strong arms around your thighs and pulls your body even further down to his face, you slowly start easing up.

The feeling of his hot breath fanning against the wet flesh of your cunt sends goosebumps down your back. And the sight of his pretty face between your thick thighs, something you‘ve always been so insecure about, seems to slowly take a place as one of your favorite images to ever exist.

“Look me in the eyes, baby”, Iwaizumi mumbles and sucks at the skin of your inner thigh, his tongue on your skin making more and more juices gush out of your already drenched cunt as you allow yourself to meet his hungry gaze.

And just when your eyes meet, Iwaizumi sticks his tongue out and licks a long stripe over the hor flesh of your pussy before he gently pulls your little clit into his mouth and starts sucking on it.

You let out a loud groan; the sudden stimulation on your needy clit sending literal shock waves of pleasure through your body and without even realizing you slowly grind yourself further against his mouth.

Iwaizumi moans into your flesh, the deep bass of his voice sending vibrations right into your core, making your cunt clench even harder around nothing and if it wasn‘t for the intensity of his stare, you would have looked away already. Yet just as usual, there‘s something about the way he looks at you which has you feeling at literal ease – even in such a situation.

“Come on, baby”, Iwaizumi suddenly grunts, letting go of the sensitive bud with a loud sound before placing an open mouthed kiss on your clit and landing a harsh spank on your ash which has your body jolting in antica, “don’t be shy now. Ride my face like the good girl you are, make me proud…”, he adds softly, his words encouraging you easily and with a sound of affirmation, you start grinding your hips to meet the hot muscle of his tongue.

The following minutes are filled with loud slurping noises, high pitched moans and deep grunts as well as more words of affirmation and encouragement all while Iwaizumi continues to switch between thrusting his tongue into your tight hole and sucking on your clit before he eventually starts fingerfucking you with two of his thick digits.

You can't help but throw your head back at the immense amount of pleasure; your body and mind slowly reaching a point of complete haze as you lose yourself in the feeling of his touch.

And by the time you finally feel the taste of your high coating the tip of your tongue, your grip on Iwaizumi‘s hair tightens and a row of loud, choked out begs fall past your bit swollen lips.

“Look at your greedy little pussy clenching around my fingers like that”, Iwa chuckles deeply, picking up the pace of his thrusts as he keeps his mouth way too close to your throbbing little clit, “and those pretty begs. Gosh, baby, you‘re going to drive me insane.”

“S-So close, Daddy”, you choke out, your eyes flying open when you feel a third finger joining the two inside of your tight cunt, the pain of the stretch in combination with the pleasure of your upcoming high making your head spin.

“There we go, that‘s my baby”, he takes a deep breath and starts kneading the soft flesh of your ass in his palms, “want you to cum all over my fucking face. Show me what a good fucking girl you are.”

And those are the last words your brain manages to register before you feel the first wave of your orgasm hit you. Your sight turns pitch black and then white for a good second, your whole body tensing up at the feeling of coil in your core finally snapping.

Your thighs are shaking, your breath continuously hitching as you desperately try to regain your composure and if it wasn‘t for Iwaizumi‘s touch on your sensitive pussy, you‘d stay in the beautiful haze of your orgasm.

“You came so hard for me, baby”, Iwaizumi grins and pushes his fingers into his mouth before you finally find enough energy to get off of his face.

“W-Want more”, you whisper, your voice raspy and breathy as you tell him your request; low-key scared of being too greedy yet at the sight of Iwaizumi‘s eyes sparkling with excitement, you know he‘s not one to deny you anything. He‘s never been, after all.

“How about we move this to your bedroom, baby? I‘ve been dying to press your face into the mattress and ruin that little pussy of yours.” You feel a jolt of excitement blooming inside your chest at his words, nodding eagerly before you reach for his hand and guide him down the hall to your bedroom.

“Do you want me to suck you off?”, you say when the two of you come to stand in your room, your eyes focusing on the huge bulge in his pants, which manages to scare you slightly with its impressive size.

You always knew your best friend wasn‘t on the smaller side when it came to size yet you still can‘t hide just how surprised you are by its actual size. And suddenly the three fingers make a lot more sense to you.

“Let‘s save that for another time, pretty one. I‘ve been dreaming about pumping your cute little hole full of my cum for way too long. I can‘t wait any longer”, Iwaizumi replies and finally starts unbuckling his belt.

You take the few seconds he‘s busy to let your eyes admire the beauty of his perfectly sculpted body. You follow the dark lines of his chest tattoo, take in the sight of his stone hard abs and veiny arms as you press your thighs even more together to ease some of the pressure on your cunt.

“Are you done eyefucking me, pretty one?”, Iwaizumi suddenly chuckles, casually pushing his jeans as well as his boxer briefs down his meaty thighs and exposing his hard cock for your hungry eyes to devour.

He wraps his pretty fingers around his throbbing length, the tip an angry shade of red as precum continues to leak out; making your mouth water at the mere thought of having him in your mouth.

“Everything about you is so pretty”, you sigh and look into his eyes, the genuine appreciation in the green surrounding his iris making your heart grow warmer before he comes to stand in front of you in all of his glory.

“I love you so much”, Iwaizumi replies calmly, taking your face into his big hands before he places the softest kiss on your forehead.

“I love you, too”, you mumble and get up, pressing your lips against his and sighing into his mouth when he pushes his tongue past your lips without missing a beat.

Just when Iwaizumi starts letting his hands wander over your naked body, he halts his movements and pulls away slightly, “my pretty little baby, make sure to face the mirror so you can watch while I fuck your brains out. I want you to see just how perfect you are.”

“Yes, Daddy”, you whisper, your lips stretched into a big, big smile as you move out of his strong grip to position yours on your knees just as you were told.

Your heart suddenly starts racing again when you bury your face in your arms, making sure to push your ass as high as possible to give Iwaizumi easy access to your glistening cut. The excitement in combination with the pleasure and deep, deep longing finally manage to take over your brain; shoving the anxiety alongside all those insecurities to the very back of your head and making it easy for you to put your whole focus on the tll male behind you.

Iwaizumi’s rough hands caress your bare ass softly, kneading the flesh and lightly spanking it a few times before he lets a thick drop of his spit fall right onto your clenching pussy; sending goosebumps down your back at the feeling of it sliding down your flesh and mixing with your leaking juices.

You feel the tip of his thick cock nudging your entrance, the memory of his size making you tense up subconsciously and just when you’re about to hold your breath, Iwaizumi’s deep, calming voice echoes through the silence of your room.

“Take a deep breath, baby”, he whispers, knowing you’re going to follow his orders just like the good girl you love to be, “Daddy’s got you, okay? I’m gonna go easy, I promise.”

You lift your head to meet his comforting gaze through the mirror in front of you and without another beat passing, you feel yourself calming down again; the feeling of being absolutely safe and secure in his hand making it the easiest task.

And when Iwaizumi feels the tension in your body easing up, he lines himself up with your entrance and slowly pushes his thick tip into your tight hole. You whimper at the delicious stretch, the pain easily overshadowed by the sound of Iwaizumi’s heavy breathing and little moans.

“I’m gonna go all in, baby or else it’s going to hurt a lot more”, you appreciate his warning because as he’s saying it, Iwaizumi thrusts the whole of his impressive length into your spasming cunt; pushing every bit of air out of your lungs and pushing you way too close to your second high of the night. You can’t help but whimper loudly, tears already streaming down your cheeks because of the beautiful feeling of pain and pleasure mixing inside of your veins from the intensity of the stretch.

Iwaizumi, as always the gentleman, gives you all the time you need to adjust to his size; only growing slightly impatient as you still whine softly after two whole minutes yet you’re quick to lift your head again with quivering bottom lip and teary eyes, begging him to just fuck you.

“Please, Daddy”, you sob, moving away from him in a desperate attempt for some kind of friction; your cunt spasming around his thick cock like crazy and you know you’re only a few thrust and some clit stimulation away from your next high, “please, fuck me.”

“My greedy little whore”, Iwaizumi grunts, pulling his cock out of you astonishingly slow with the sole purpose of teasing you, “you’re going to take what Daddy gives you, did you hear me?”

You moan as the feeling of his tip dragging alongside your spongy walls, your eyes rolling into the back of your head only to find your way back to reality with a couple of harsh spanks on your already sore ass.

“Good sluts answer when being talked to, pretty one”, he warns, thrusting his cock back into you with one quick snap of his hips; burying himself balls deep inside of your overly sensitive cunt.

“Yes, Daddy, yes”, you cry and look up at him with glossy eyes, “just please, fuck my stupid little cunt, please.” Iwaizumi lets out a row of deep chuckles followed by raspy groans in response to your perfect answer before he nods at you and mumbles a few soft praises right into your ear and then straightens himself again.

“Alright then, pretty one.”

Loud grunts fill your ears so beautifully, echoing through the thick air of your bedroom and in combination with the sound of skin meeting skin in a constant rhythm, you feel the exact way your body is slowly falling into the beautiful bliss of another high.

Iwaizumi fucks you fast, harsh and rough. There’s nothing soft and romantic about the way his hips are meeting yours in a steady rhythm; making sure to hit that sweet spot deep inside of your pussy with every single one of his thrusts as he continues to use his whole strength on your burning ass.

But not once do you even think about telling him to go easier on you; this iwaizumi the one you’ve been imagining for all those years.

It doesn’t take long for him to wrap his strong arm around your chest to pull you up, his fingers also finding their way back home around your delicate throat.

“Look at you, baby”, he groans right into your ear, making you open your eyes and meet your own reflection in the mirror, “you’re so fucking beautiful, I can’t comprehend it.”

You stare at yourself with your lips parted in awe, eyes falling to the sight of Iwaizumi’s thick cock stretching your tiny cunt before you go back to trying to recognize yourself.

Because for the first time in literal years, you don’t hate what you see and even if it’s because of IWaizumi’s strong body right behind you, you still feel this certain type of warmth blossoming in your chest.

"Feels so good, baby", he groans, throwing his head back as the movements of his hips start to become slightly sloppier, a little more uncontrolled, "so tight and warm, so fucking perfect", Hajime’s voice breaks at the end of his soft praise because of your walls clenching around his cock even more the closer you get to the edge.

You start feeling dizzy, your sight turning into a blurr and at some point you can’t even in- or exhale without letting out a shaky moan.

Iwaizumi looks at you with wide, hungry eyes, the feeling of your walls gripping his cock like a goddamn vice sending him into an ecstatic state and the longer he watches you getting lost in the pleasure, the more he struggles to keep his rhythm.

You’re mumbling incoherent sentences, desperately trying to tell the brunette about how close you are whereas the pleasure makes it absolutely impossible for you to form a proper sentence.

“Are you going to cum for me again, baby?”, Iwaizumi grunts, tightening his grip on your throat, making you gasp for air as you nod in response to his question.

“My perfect little slut”, he sighs, his hand reaching down to rub your hard, throbbing clit with two of his rough digits, “fucking do it. Cum for your Daddy like the good whore you are.”

And just like a few minutes prior, those words are the last straw and eventually make you stumble over the edge head first. Your walls start spasming around Iwa’s cock like crazy, your loud moans and soft cries are the only thing he can focus on and without missing another minute, Iwaizumi also lets himself get consumed by the beautiful feeling of relief.

Iwa hips still, his cock buried deeply inside of your tight sex as he coats your walls with his creamy cum. Your new boyfriend gets lost in the feeling of finally getting to cum inside of you after waiting for so many years; feeding the fantasy of getting to claim you in the most intimate way possible. He buries his face in the sweaty crook of your neck, his rapid breath fanning your skin as the two of you try to calm down from your intense highs. Your hand finds its way into his dark hair, massaging his scalp with your eyes closed and your legs still shaking from the aftermath of your breathtaking orgasm. Without pulling out of you, despite his own release leaking out of you and down the sides of his cock, Iwaizumi makes you lay down with him; just tightly holding you in his arms.

A few minutes filled with nothing but soft breathing pass by before you finally find the strength to move again; the sudden need to look at Iwaizumi’s completely fucked out face overwhelming you in the best way possible. And when you turn around to look at him, you’re met with a breathtaking sight.

Messy strands of sweaty hair falling into his flushed face, swollen lips and glossy eyes sparkling at you in a way you’ve never seen before and in that moment you feel yourself falling in love with Iwaizumi all over again.

“I’m so in love with you”, you whisper and caress the soft skin of his cheeks, loving the way he moves even further into your touch.

“Always and forever only yours, pretty one”, Iwaizumi sighs and presses his forehead against yours.

࿏ A/N: And here it finally is! My first x chubby reader fic!! As a chubby someone who’s been reading fanficion for a long time, I’ve always craved some kind of representation and now I finally got to join this side of the community and I’m more than just happy about the way it turned out. I genuinely hope you guys will enjoy this and find comfort the same way I did while writing this. Please feel free to leave any sort of feedback if you enjoyed it and thank you so much for everything.

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