#which makes sense. especially now that i have this detachment from my own memories happening

[lilworms]

sometimes i remember traumatic moments in my life and i’m kind of stunned by how detached i am from them now

[ladykibutsuji]

“Cure to Jealousy”

Hashira Headcanons PT. 1

Pairings: Giyuu Tamioka | Sanemi Shinazugawa | Iguro Obanai x Fem! Reader

HC: What would the hashira do when they get jealous?

“Giyuu Tamioka”

(PURE WHOLESOME)

- You are a very shy person. you struggle to communicate with other people due to your Past issues.

- But to giyuu you being too quiet and shy around other people didn't bother him, He accepted you for who you are and loves you for it. He finds it cute when you get easily flustered

- When you returned from your assigned mission with tanjiro Things have been really strange.

- You began to talk more with other people which was very unusual since you can't really start a conversation on your own without someone else having to talk to you first.

- Giyuu was really happy to see you finally getting out of your shell and exploring new things however he can't help but feel a little jealous when you are too close with the other hashira

- Now, Giyuu tomioka isn't the one to be open about his 'feelings' especially when it's about jealousy, He's scared that you might think of him as a possessive weirdo so he just kept it to himself

- One day, After a hashira meeting you were casually talking with sanemi

- Giyuu was a bit curious on how you manage to make more friends so he decided to eavesdrop on you and sanemi even though he was well aware that it was disrespectful.

- "Tch, Your boyfriend is too full of himself he always thinks like he is above us. saying that he isn't like the rest of us, He really pisses me off! Why are you even with him? He's a freak"

- Okay, he wasn't expecting to hear that

- but what did he expect when it's ' Sanemi '

- He didn't really mind when the other hashira made fun of him but what really caught his attention was when sanemi said the sentence ' Why are you even with him '

- Now he's thinking if he really deserves such a beautiful lady like you

- he was already overthinking about the fact that you spend too much time with the other hashira and now another thought was added to his overthinking

- Fast forward, You and giyuu was having a small walk when you noticed that he was too quiet than usual

- "Are you okay Hun?"

- He didn't replied, he just stared at you and slightly nodded

- This is where you knew something was off with him, you can also sense that something is definitely not right

- "You know you can always tell me right?"

- You hold his other hand gently while the both of you are still walking

- He stopped on his tracks making you stop walking as well, you slightly tilted your head in confusion

- "Do you like Sanemi? Or do you like any of the other hashira?"

- This question caught you off-guard, It was really unusual for giyuu to be asking such a question

- You then answered "Of course not" without hesitation

- Giyuu exhaled, Though he was still doubting it.

- "What made you inquired that? You know that I only love you"

- Giyuu squeezed your hand

- "It's just that I noticed for these past few days you are always with the others, I'm happy that you are finally getting out of your shell but.."

- Was he jealous?

- "But what?"

- He looked away still squeezing your hand, unable to look at you directly

- "I'm here too, I want your attention."

- You stared at him in surprise, He wasn't really the type to open up about these kind of stuff and honestly it's the first time you see him like this

- It's really adorable it made your heart jump around

- You let out an 'aw' and tightly embraced him

- "I'm sorry if I ran out of time for you! You could of have told me sooner so I would shower you with my love and affection!"

- Giyuu's mood then lighten up a little with your answer, he patted your head before hugging you back

- "Wait, I have something to confess and to ask.."

- You detached from the hug, letting him speak

- "I happened to heard your conversation with sanemi by accident."

- He paused and you tried to remember your conversation with sanemi since you have such bad memory issues then it clicked

- Before you could say anything he did it first

- "What sanemi said was right. I don't deserve you at all I don't even deserve to be called a 'hashira' aswell. . . You deserve someone better than me and that's why. . ."

- You thought he was going to say you deserve someone else better but it was different

- "I'll be better for you, I can't imagine you with someone else and I definitely won't let someone else have you because I love you"

- ⚠️Y/N.EXE STOPPED WORKING⚠️

- You are a blushing mess, that was so uncalled for

- Giyuu then noticed that your face is red so he put his hand on your forehead to check your temperature

- "Are you alri-"

- Before he could ask you, you interrupted him. You took his hand off your forehead as you stared at him directly

- "be better for me?! Are you insane? you are literally the most perfect man I have ever meet, You are more than enough and I won't let anyone say otherwise!"

- Oops seems like you said it out loud now some people who are passing by stared at you

- After noticing that you are too loud, you gasped and looked at your surroundings hoping no one is around

- But to your horror, ALOT of people was staring and glaring at you for being too loud

- You covered your face in embarrassment, mumbling random stuffs out of embarrassment

- Luckily for giyuu, you didn't noticed how red his face was and how bright his smile is.

- For the first time, Giyuu felt like he was enough. . he felt like he was finally worth something

- He always feel like he isn't enough for no matter how many people he saved or how strong he gets he will never feel enough

- Thanks to you, for the first time in his life he actually appreciated himself

- "Let's go" you muttered as you continued walking still covering your face

- "Wait Y/N."

- You stopped walking as your body faced giyuu and your head faced the ground with still both your hands on your face red from embarrassment

- Giyuu held both your hands as he pulled them away from your face, You then looked at him confused

- "Eh?"

- He cupped your cheeks, staring deep into your E/C with a gentle smile as he pulled you closer to him giving you a passionate kiss.

- He then pulled away from the kiss As he brought you closer to his body embracing you once again.

- "Thank you Y/N, I am really lucky to have you. I love you. . I really do"

- "I love you too"

“Sanemi Shinazugawa”

(WARNING: A bit spicy, Swearing)

- You are a demon slayer who is ranked as a 'Kinoe' and you wanted nothing more than to improve your sword technique and breathing style Unfortunately your Boyfriend Sanemi is always occupied so you couldn't train with him.

- Leaving no choice you decided to ask help from your Friend Kyojuro Rengoku to help you improve your techniques and Breathing style luckily he accepted.

- You now considered kyojuro as your 'Master' After all he was the one training you with different kinds of techniques

- Since kyojuro's training was tough you spend more of your time with him trying to master everything he taught you forgetting that someone at home is waiting for you to return early

- As days turns into weeks, Sanemi was starting to get jealous by how often you are with kyojuro

- He watched you train with kyojuro one time and he noticed how you enjoy training with him how you bond perfectly with him

- Sanemi is the type of person who gets more grumpy and short-tempered when he's jealous so it will be harder to deal with him

- Jealousy was eating sanemi up and one day he just couldn't take it anymore so he decided to confront you

- You were peacefully doing your hair in the living room until some white angry bird barged in

- "Why didn't you just ask me to train you?"

- You then stopped doing your hair as you turned to face him

- "Knocking exist sanemi, To answer your question you were always occupied and I didn't want to disturb you"

- "Tch" he crossed his arms

- "Well I'm not anymore, I can be your trainer"

- At first you were clueless on why he was behaving like this, he didn't even seem to be bothered the first time you told him you were training with kyojuro

- then it hit you, Was he jealous?

- You decided to tease him for a bit, after all sanemi kept on teasing you it's time for a payback

- "No need, Kyojuro can do it"

- The man was pissed

- He was about to say something until you ran off

- "Oops running late, gotta go love ya!"

- "She's so dead when she gets home"

- goodluck for adding fuel to the fire

- Fast forward, after hours of training with Kyojuro, your body was so beat up you could barely walk

- Once you reached your shared estate with sanemi you tried to open the gates however...

- It was locked

- "Sanemi, open the gates!"

- You were basically yelling on top of your lungs and there was still no response

- "Fuck you!"

- You know he did this on purpose and you knew well he could hear you but chooses to ignore you

- You gave him your schedule so he knows exactly when you will return plus he only locks the gates when it's dark, The sun was still up.

- Luckily, you are a bit of expert on sneaking in and out so after a bit of struggle you finally managed to break in

- You still struggled to walk and as you were approaching closer to the door you heard someone clapping

- "Congrats for getting in"

- you gave him an annoyed lock and brushed passed him completely ignoring your white hair boyfriend.

- You are now in the living room, completely passed out on the mattress

- You are already deep in your sleep until you suddenly woke up due to the amount of sweats dripping all over your body, Why was it so hot all of the sudden? Then you looked over to the electric fan

- Somebody turned off the electric fan.

- "Must be that white angry bird asshole"

- Your whole body was still sore due to the harsh training of Kyojuro so you couldn't stand up to turn on the electric fan

- Oh man he was really playing with you, you had no other choice but to call out for his help no matter how much you hated the 'idea'

- Because if you didn't you would probably die because of the heat

- "Sanemi can you please open the electric fan? Pleaseee it's so fucking hot I swear I'm going to die if this lasts longer"

- It was loud enough for Sanemi to hear though it was a quiet for a few seconds until he finally responded

- "Can't kyojuro do it?" He yelled from the other room

- "He isn't even here!"

- You are annoyed now, You just really want the electric fan to be turned on

- "So what? Kyojuro can still do it can he?"

- Okay, you admitted your defeat. It was so hard to win against this grumpy guy

- with a sigh of defeat you finally made a the decision "I'll let you be my trainer"

- Now that caught his attention, he slid the shoji screen as he entered the room you are in finally turning on the electric fan

- "Great deal"

- you rolled your eyes at him as he started smirking as if he was planning something evil

- "Let's waste no time and start training" He said as he started walking towards you

- "Are you for real? I ju-"

- You couldn't finish your sentence as you got distracted by sanemi getting on top of you

- He grabbed both your wrist with one hand and placed them above your head

- "Who gives you the right to speak to your master?"

“Iguro Obanai”

(WARNING: A bit spicy, Threatening)

- You, Giyuu and the kamaboko squad (Tanjiro, Zenitsu, Inosuke) was assigned to a mission, during the mission you almost lost your life protecting your comrades which made Zenitsu developed a small crush for you due to your strong determination and bravery. The mission ended up in success and before returning home zenitsu gave you a bouquet of flowers as his way of thanking you for protecting him and his friends also his way of saying hand in marriage. giyuu then accompanied you back to your shared estate with Iguro.

- Iguro was already waiting for you outside the house and when he saw giyuu next to you and the bouquet in your hands, He was fuming inside even the snake was shocked seeing you walking with giyuu

- "What is that?"

- "Flowers"

- You just looked at him with a nervous smile while giyuu looked like he just wanted to get home

- Iguro approached you and giyuu closer, pulling you away from giyuu and shoving you into his own body

- "Get lost rat-face"

- Iguro was glaring at giyuu and his snake was hissing at him while giyuu just gave him a thumbs-up

- "No problem, I'll be taking my leave. I hope to see you soon Y/N."

- That was a normal way to say Goodbye but for Iguro it sure wasn't

- What does he mean 'Hope' 'to see you soon'

- You waved goodbye to giyuu as he walked away from the area

- "Let's get inside shall we?"

- You said as you held iguro's hand

- "Yeah, but before that"

- in a blink of an eye, he took the bouquet of flowers from your hand and tossed it aside

- "Hey! What was that for? Zenitsu worked hard for that you can't just toss it aside"

- "So 'Zenitsu' is his name huh?"

- you tried to get the flowers from the floor but quickly got distracted when Iguro spoke

- "I have 3 Surprises for you inside"

- Because of curiosity about the 3 surprises waiting for you, you quickly forgot about the flowers zenitsu just gave you

- Iguro then led you to where the surprise are and when you slid the shoji screen open there was a bouquet of flowers which was bigger than what zenitsu gave you and your favorite foods laying in a floor desk

- Upon seeing this you hugged Iguro in excitement as you thank him nonstop

- "Thank you so much~"

- "Anything for the prettiest woman"

- You then walked up to the floor desk, sitting Infront of it and appreciating the flowers while gently touching it

- "That's only 1 and 2"

- You then turned your head to him, a bit confused until you remembered what he said

- There are 3 Surprises

- "Where is 3 then?"

- "You will know later, don't rush it."

- What happened that night is up to you

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

- The next day He tried to look for zenitsu and managed to track him down successfully

- All I can say is Zenitsu was TRAUMATIZED

- He never dared look at your direction again or even breath the same air

[suusoh]

i wanna know what’s your theory on what happened to johan after the ending since it’s up to the audiences imagination yk?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING MY THOUGHTS ON THIS ANON! I give you kiss ( ˘ ³˘)♥︎ I'm going to diverge more on headcanons of him in another post. These are just my nonsensical interpretations of Johan after monster.

(tw: talks of multiple suicide attempts (all failed though don't worry))

Another anon of mine sent another similar ask (will post said ask shortly as it dwelves more into the x reader aspects hehe) gave the description of post-monster/ post-rurenheim johan as "a juxtaposition to his regular omnipotent self" which is a 1000% perfect way on how I'd describe him post-monster/post-rurenheim.

I really do believe that although he still has a prowess for manipulation skills and psychology after monster, he wouldn't have as much charisma as before. Part of his godly charisma came from the fact that he himself has no identity so he can fine tune himself to anyone (presenting himself with such a pleasing expression and personality, his agreeability with some would come from his own lack of personall thoughts). But now that he's got his own individuality and a name, he wouldn't bother with being agreeable anymore, as it isn't as natural for him anymore.

It's kind of why he doesn't even bother keeping a soft smile anymore at the end of monster when he was confronting dr tenma. He's not trying to be approachable anymore, and instead opts to actually showing how he's feeling rn. Instead of just using a pleasant expression as a placeholder on his face. I mean just look at the stark difference:

All the trauma and stress has finally catched up to him and has even taken a PHYSICAL toll on his body as well. I haven't noticed it before as I thought it was just an art style, but you can can notice that over time after he uncovers his past since the library, his face actually starts growing eye bags

like he is TIRED. He cannot do this anymore, he's burnt out. Which is the number one characterization I would give him post-monster.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE when he is interpreted as still having that small serene smile on his face and living his life calmly after monster. I subscribe to that characterization and would write him like that too, especially if we're going to interpret it as it being second nature or muscle memory for him to have that politeness. —It's just another part of me loves the idea that him being slightly rude and unapproachable even. A part of his reclaiming of his own humanity, is him not keeping up appearances anymore. He doesn't need to keep up politeness and being friendly anymore.

Another thing I can see him doing for a while is actually being quite... listless? If that makes sense. Like he would just do a good solid nothing for a while. Walk around in parks and other places trying to take in the world around him again. Trying to grasp life after losing his inner monster/kinderheim programming/fucked up coping mechanism.

He might try bars now and other social gatherings to see the hype and try to feel something. But maybe it just makes him feel all the more alienated and detached from society. Imagine being surrounded by so much people but still feel so alone. He'd feel all the more disconnected from humanity.

--- talks of suicide start here ---

Kind of dark here but I think this might lead him to trying to attempt at ending his life again. He sees it so pointless now and his entire focal point has been shattered

He knows him and his sister aren't the same people anymore, he knows that he doesn't have to keep living his life as her shadow/half a person/the "worse" version of her. But man... after 20+ years of living like that it's really gonna hit once you realise that you can't do your sole life goal anymore...

His despair might come in the form of him genuinely not knowing how to live. Throughout monster it kinda felt like he was on autopilot, his own individuality and sense of self taking a backseat. So imagine out of nowhere the plane's crashing and you're suddenly put in the driver's seat all of a sudden when, you didn't even bother learning how to drive or fly this thing in the first place because 1.) You were convinced you didn't need to drive ever, you were forcefully stuffed in the plane's cargo by adults who traumatized you, 2.) You didn't even know you'd be flying this long.

(sorry for the plane analogy i'm just rambling my raw thoughts 💀 but yes man is lowkey crashing and burning)

If we're gonna put it in a smaller more related level, imagine your entire life you grew up trained to be like...like an archaeologist or something, like your childhood bedroom had archaeology stuff, you were raised to study archaeology and only archaeology, you excelled at it, you had the gear for archaeology, you're in college studying archaeology and even having a specific vision in your mind of you being an archaeologist....the only thoughts you grew up with is you and archaeology.

Only to find out from nowhere that you never actually were into archaeology. And that you liking archaeology (aka your hobby/interest, your entire IDENTITY) was conditioned and instilled into you by weird freaky scientists when you were a child. You find out that you actually had a personality BEFORE archaelogy, and now you're 20 and you've spent more than a decade of your life dedicated to archaeology only to find out that maybe this whole time archaeology isn't even a thing you liked in the first place.

yeah that's basically the library revelation. HAFHDJAH archaeology being his "monster".

And now you're wandering through life, that isn't about you being an archaeologist..... OF COURSE YOU'D FUCKING DESPAIR. What are you even supposed to do now????

But funnily enough, Naoki Urusawa says that monster is actually a dark comedy in his eyes (Lmaooo just as I thought. I was giggling watching monster), so in true shakespearean tragic-comedy fashion, Johan's attempt here might become a fail. Divine intervention if you will.

But worry not friends, as this suicide attempt of his was made when his monster was gone, where his coolness and emotional detachment are also gone. So I think him doing a suicide attempt post-monster might actually, in some miraculous roundabout way.... scare him a bit for the first time.

I think the scene/poem "The View from Halfway Down" from "Bojack Horseman" is the best way to describe how I see he'll start feeling things.

He'd wonder why his heart is beating suddenly and why a cold sweat is forming on his face and on his palms, and why his breathing is out of control. He's confused as hell as to why his adrenaline spiked up. He walked on the ledges of rooftops, the number of times he's had guns pointed at him is more than the fingers on his hands, he died twice for goodness sakes. So why?...why is he feeling this all of a sudden? he'd start to grow a bit frustrated because this doesn't. make. sense.

If we're still gonna go with the dark comedy route, we could write him as him trying and trying again to off himself💀i'm so sorry. I'm just rolling with Urusawa's vision here of him saying monster is a dark comedy. Each time Johan attempts with ending his life, it would just fail.

But if he got spooked off on his first suicide attempt post-monster, he'd probably stop after that one. Not because he wants to keep living, but because his stupid (incredible) brain chemicals keep making his body hesitate to off himself.

He'd be pissed at his own fear. I could see him actually almost tearing up in frustration at what's happening. He's never had to deal with shit like this before, he never hesitated, he never had to feel fear, hell— he didn't even have to LIVE before. He wasn't actually living during his time as "Johan Liebert". He didn't get the same agency to fully explore and navigate his own life in his own time like every other human being. He doesn't want to try. He just wants to end himself— and he can't even do that anymore. He's so frustrated, and pissed, and he's honestly just so... lost.

Buuuut! To quote Tom Hanks from "Castaway":

I was gonna die there, totally alone. I was gonna get sick, or get injured or something. The only choice I had, the only thing I could control was when, and how, and where it was going to happen. So... I made a rope and I went up to the summit, to hang myself. I had to test it, you know? Of course. You know me. And the weight of the log, snapped the limb of the tree, so I-I - , I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail."

He'd then sigh softly and shake his head...maybe let out a small sardonic laugh. Ah, how fate really does love to mess with him. Some higher being out there is really taking the piss with him, wasn't it? Because maybe.... just maybe. He kind of realises that Dr. Tenma and Nina were right.

I think this is the point where he'd kinda like.... cancel out nihilism WITH nihilism.

" I found everything pointless... until I realised even that was pointless" kinda vibe

Hope this satisfied your question anon! My thoughts are not organized here so pardon :)! Also please excuse if my tone in the more serious parts sounds a bit too light.

Thank you for reading and and asking me anon! ˘ ³ ˘ mwuah!!

[puntointerrogativo]

I’ve been rotating the Loumand divorce in my head - I get why a lot of people find the finale sequence rushed, I wouldn’t have minded a few more minutes spent on it either, but it did work for me because we’d been watching their relationship crumble before our eyes for a good while by then.

To me it goes back to…I’d say the end of S. 2 ep. 3? The Dubai moments in season one are so performative and deliciously ambiguous, especially put into a D/s context. The reveal is, well, ominous. But Assad and Jacob had great chemistry when we first see them together, and then it sort of…fizzled out. And they’re both too good as actors for it not be a choice. They keep stumbling into each other’s traumas and hang ups, always slightly out of step.

One moment we are shown where the chemistry comes to life is the Arun bench scene. They click, it works! But I was expecting the momentum to carry them them forward -in a sort of the birthing pains are over, now things are starting for real way. Yet it never really happens. They keep being out of sync, detached. Neither of them is being entirely himself: Armand has declawed himself to lull Louis into a false sense of security, Louis is pruning away the pieces of himself that don’t fit the Maître paradigm. When there are attempts at connection one of them zigs instead of zagging, and they’re left wanting. We can see the cracks in the foundations but it’s impossible to tell what would have become of their relationship because the coven makes Armand choose (or Armand had already made his choice, since they’re apparently still debating what version they’ll go with.)

And I do find it believable that Armand -with all his history weighting on him- would not feel sure enough of Louis’ love at that point to sacrifice the familiarity and safety of the coven. By the time we come to the restaurant scene -which is…not without its own ambiguities- it’s too late, the choice had been made.

Then we come to present day Dubai and again, the distance is palpable. They have their moments, they can make a great united front against Daniel. They bicker, they finish each other’s sentences. But it’s clear something isn’t clicking, the happy facade is brittle and shallow, there’s a whiff of desperation to it all. The fight about the mixed up photographs was what really rang the bell for me. Because why would Louis’ first reaction be to accuse Armand of doing it on purpose? When you mix that up with Armand’s tendency to be controlling it’s pretty clear trust’s in short supply in that household. It solidifies all the little clues and wtf moments. And right on cue ep. 5 happens and. Well.

From then on it’s fairly clear Armand is and has been clutching at straws desperately trying to keep the relationship from disintegrating completely. What’s less clear is why Louis oscillates wildly between resentment and holding onto the happy couple narrative almost as desperately as Armand. Having someone mess with your memories to hide days of torture and implant ‘all I do is for your own good’ straight in your head should be more than enough motive for divorce, right?

And that’s made exceedingly clear in the tower scene. That relationship has not been about Armand, or even Louis, since Claudia’s death. It’s punishment, for all 3 of them.

Louis wasn’t struggling with the end of a 77 years long relationship or even only with Armand’s conditioning: he was struggling with the trap he’d built for himself.

The finer details didn’t matter for the divorce, it wasn’t about Armand’s motives or his aims because it had never been about Armand in the first place: if Armand directed he wasn’t simply an hapless coward but an active participant with power over the whole ordeal. He was guilty to a degree where he was no longer the lesser evil to be used to punish the presumed instigator.

And personally I think it wasn’t even about Lestat saving Louis in itself: reasonable doubt. Perhaps Louis sparing his life didn’t cause Claudia’s death. It was about Louis extending a bit of grace to himself. It was Louis seeing an out and jumping on it double quick. So long and thanks for all the fish. Buh-bye I’m outta here.

(Also, there’s no way Santiago voluntarily subjected himself to Armand’s direction after having ousted him as coven master. I’m not swallowing that and I don’t think Louis did either :)

[thesharktanksdriver]

Heya there! I'm the anon that talked about the evolution of stars (but now off anon! because i hate referring to myself as "[Insert identifiable thingy here] anon" if i ever come back to ask something on anon again) and as you've read my. extensive yapping and speculation about a singular mentioned thing you said related to Determination! i have come back to yap and speculate to you once more (Because i may be, waaaay to fixated on this cuz it's my favorite kind of story!)

but you mentioned that 1. y/n doesn't dream often and 2. that they heard in a dream the voices of the long departed cheering them on in and then a star exploding into a supernova. and that made me think about whatever dreamspace they see when they finally have a dream and the entire "Something might emerge from inside of them" thing and i kept thinking and thinking and it kind of gave me a similar vibe to one Chapter of Houseki No Kuni (Really great manga by the way, i recommend it if you haven't read it) specifically chapter 46, Where Phos falls asleep and talks to Lapis in their dream (from page 17 to page 24) and they're in Phos' mind.

now that got my brain running and it's just speculation based on little things but, what if that "something" inside of them has somewhat of some amount of disconnect between itself and y/n? that they can, though in some time limited capacity, talk to them?

And another thing that is related to that train of thought is, how exactly would their "mind space" look, because you mentioned that their memory has issues due to how long they've lived. Maybe it has gaps or holes in it? (In a similar manner to how Phos' mind looks in the previous mention of Houseki No Kuni) or maybe it has blank places in it? or is it just a void? Honestly I've given this, waay to much thought than it should have for throwaway lines.

but with the entire black hole and neutron star thing in mind, would that something alternate between a detachment of everything around them (In a similar way to Kyubey from Madoka) or an unnerving calm monotone depending on what it presents itself while speaking to them before emerging? if it's a different entity from y/n all together that just lives inside of them, that is.

anyways uh if you've read all of this, thanks for tolerating my yapping.

Don’t worry about yapping! I personally love hearing y’all’s input and theories! It’s really fun and motivation on my end! Especially after a shity day lol. Your asks are very much welcome in my inbox!

Btw I fucking adore houseki no kuni, chefs kiss!

And you’re definitely right about that something in y/n eventually being able to talk to them! Y/n and them are “separate” entities but also the same (if that makes any sense). Like, when a character in a show reincarnates. They’re technically the same person but there are differences in their circumstances that change them ever so slightly. Both go by different names and some if the small details are changed but in the overall they are fundamentally the same soul. But back to the topic!

Yes! Eventually y/n will talk with them!

And that becomes important with Marineford.

As for y/n’s mind pace I’d say it’s something akin to floating in space (me and the space themes lol). Bleak darkness that they float through representing their lost memories they waft through, the stars being the lucky few memories glowing in that darkness but so far out, so spaced apart within the sea of darkness that is the gaps in their mind of what had happened and what came first.

Y/n forgets a lot (which they know about but don’t remember what they forgot) and they space out a lot without noticing it at all. Both of these facts kinda make them their own unreliable narrator lol

Teehee now for the most interesting part black hole and neutron star forms.

When in either of these forms it’s y/n that’s in control. The thing in them kinda gives y/n the steering wheel and they watch from the passenger seat cause they’re just there for the ride. But when entering these different states y/n is very fundamentally different.

Both forms have their upsides and downsides, both are extremely powerful but are either self destructive or externally destructive. But most importantly they awaken and depend on y/n in a mental way.

Both are made of stars collapsing, but as one burns on the other decides to take everything with it.

Y/n will collapse but their choice in that mental collapse will determine the outcome of if they awaken either form.

I probably spoiled my own story quite a bit but screw it! I’m writing this shit at a snails pace and I wanna give yall food to eat since I’ve starved you all of content lol

[art-of-mathematics]

Almost 4 months on T and the ADHD and autism seem to be breaking out in its full glory. Well, I embrace it, as it helps me with getting rid of supressing my whole identity and neurodivergent needs.

I have read that adhd and asd can become more visible in women in menopause - increased testosterone levels... somehow gender-affirming HRT (ftm) could be similar. And when looking at the recent months, yes, for me it is very noticable.

I remember my first puberty, when it started at 12 yo, I was like somehow really odd in the brain - impulsive outbreaks of random thought gibberish, occassional screaming of dumb words that I could not stop saying/screaming, or making disturbing noises. Or talking gibberish endlessly, and deeply indulging in my special interests of theoretical fuckery. And observing people and social interaction just to try to understand the people around me. And trying to translate what people say in my own "language", which is, some sort of math, just to get a glimpse of what they are attempting to convey in their words.

I witnessed a large decrease of depression in the recent months, but also a slight increase in anxiety, mainly induced by increased sensory sensitivity and a far worse working memory.

Somehow T helps me - directly (via the biochemical alterations that also happen in the brain) as well as indirectly (via feeling more secure due to feeling more authentic, and also overcoming the fear of rejection when not heavily masking my neurodivergent self) - interestingly, it also helps me with dealing with my emotions. Before T they were far too intense, that I either shut them off entirely or became very moody. now they have a level where I can feel them in a healthy manner - not detached from them nor supressed, but somehow, more real and managable. In a sense, I am becoming more mature emotionally, as well as far more rational and logical.

And a lot of it makes me feel like being a 13 year old scatter-brained hyperactive boy who acts like an alien potato among humans - and who does not even understand his own silly associations.... ohh endless theoretical bullshittery...

But executive dysfunction sucks! The simpelst - especially practical - tasks are the most difficult for me - especially if they are extremely underchallenging and repetitive - repetition does not bother me if it's mentally challenging and stimulating enough. But for things where you need motor skills I entirely lack - it's like, really my body is a biological spaceship, and navigating it is disastrously exhausting! (Fine motor skills with a slight need of force - ends in maximal destruction!) (Dyspraxia is also getting more noticable.)

And my trains of thought disperse in literally all directions until they decay into brainy quantum foam dough. (What a hell of association?)

[robin-josephette-biden]

A Statement Through Horror: BDG and YouTube

In his video announcing his departure from Polygon Bryan David Gilbert [BDG] stated, “I want to make things that one day people will make a show like unraveled about.” [Paraphrasing here]. Since that announcement he has made some of the most interesting and engaging comedy videos on the platform. On Bryan’s channel, there is a section called “bdg’s scaries” that contains three videos. The first how to make jorts was released April 27, 2019 and will not be part of this analysis, as we are focused on the other two videos. These two videos are Earn $20K EVERY MONTH by being your own boss which was released on October 25, 2020 (two months before his final Unraveled video and departure from Polygon) and Teaching Jake about the Camcorder, Jan '97 which was posted March 3, 2021. If you have not seen these videos yet you should stop reading immediately and go watch them both (honestly everything on his channel is amazing, especially the surprisingly compelling and personal Dances Moving! series) before continuing to read this as I will be spoiling both of them. The position of YouTube celebrity has been the source of a good bit of commentary as short form online media has become more and more central in our culture. Bryan has created two videos that I feel do an excellent job of exploring the relationship between youtuber and audience. I should also point out that this is merely my interpretation of these videos and is in no way BDG’s intended message. I’ll start by going over the first video. Earn $20K EVERY MONTH by being your own boss opens with BDG outside an apartment building, standing in front of a black car. BDG points up at one of the windows and says, “Three years ago I was living in that apartment right there. Third floor, leaky windows, cockroaches, the worst.” I do not know if the real life BDG actually lived in that building, but the 3 years timeframe does line up neatly with his beginning to work at Polygon. BDG continues to bad mouth his old apartment and mentions how he has turned it all around stating, “But just last week I paid off my very first Subaru Impreza. And I own my own house in Nebraska.” This radical change in life-style he credits to, “. . . [working] from home, [making] my own hours, and [being] my own boss. And you can do it too.” I think that it is interesting that BDG’s career up to that point mirrors that of his character, going from newly graduated content creator making small videos in his apartment to one of the most popular creators on Polygon. And all that being accomplished through work that many (rightly or wrongly) would not see as fitting into the mold of the traditional 9 to 5. The idea of making millions working from home, at your own pace, and with no boss is intrinsically tied to the mystique of the YouTube celebrity. Moving into BDG’s office he explains that he makes $20k a month working on spreadsheets. A massive spreadsheet appears behind him that is dated, 01.12.88 (nothing of note happened on January 12, 1988 and the only thing that happened on December 1, 1988 is a large cyclone that struck Bangladesh, January 12, 1888 is the day of the Schoolhouse Blizzard which struck the midwestern US and killed 235 people (remember this for later)) and is filled, seemingly randomly, with garbled nonsense symbols. Many of the cells are the same as other cells and there are empty cells scattered haphazardly throughout the spreadsheet. BDG explains that he got this strategy from Dorian Smiles. In exchange for working on these spreadsheets BDG receives $10k - $20k a month (an amount that lines up pretty damn well with the amount he should be getting through his Patreon page currently, I don’t know if this was true when the video was made though) from Dorian. Wanting to know where the money is coming from BDG asks his bank and they explain that he is wiring the money to himself from another account he has. He grows confused as to the nature of this work and the disproportionately large amount of money it brings in, explicitly mentioning his confusion as to how the money is coming from someone with, “. . . my name and my voice.” and sets about to find and confront Dorian Smiles. BDG sets off for Center Nebraska, which is close to where Dorian lives (a small town in the northeast corner of Nebraska). He states that Dorian’s address hasn’t existed since 1888 (that’s a familiar year isn’t it?) when it was supposedly condemned during an enormous blizzard and is, “. . . just woods now.” The video then transitions to BDG walking through dark woods while his narration talking up the Dorian Smiles program continues becoming increasingly broken. He comes across a figure sitting in the woods that is convulsing strangely, when he calls out to it the figure turns and is him (heretofore named Dorian). Dorian slowly puts his hands over his nose and mouth while staring at BDG at which point the narration cuts out. BDG copies Dorian and when Dorian removes his hands in a flourish, BDG does the same to reveal that he no longer has a mouth. The video quickly cuts back to BDG in his office talking about the program, he asks the viewer, “Why don’t you join me?” and then sits back and smiles while that line repeats without him moving his mouth. The most pressing mystery is who Dorian Smiles is. I think the most likely answer (and one I know I am not the progenitor of) is that Dorian is a reference to The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde, the story of a young man that has a portrait that ages and takes on the ravages of the debauched life its subject lives while Dorian himself does not. BDG would therefore be the unwitting recipient of that blessing, reaping massive rewards while his double, Dorian, lives in poverty and solitude. I like this explanation for Dorian, but I find it to be far more mechanical than thematic. On a metatextual level you could read that Dorian represents the character of BDG. The person that is in all of BDG’s videos, and the one with whom so much of the audience forms a parasocial relationship. In this lens the parallels with BDG’s own life make more sense. By this point in BDG’s career it is not difficult to imagine him feeling stifled creatively at work (I feel comfortable saying this given how soon after this video came out that he departed Polygon). His character had grown too large, potentially becoming alien to him, no longer reflecting the art he wanted to make and so he made a video about a distorted version of himself stealing his voice. In this way the video becomes a statement on his artistic integrity and his desire to test new boundaries and go in different directions. In hindsight, with the knowledge of his departure and then success after leaving Polygon, the video becomes almost heartwarming (if it weren’t terrifying) in the same way that a before and after picture of someone improving themselves can be. We will return to the Dorian Smiles system, but now we must move to the second video, Teaching Jake about the Camcorder, Jan '97. I’ll save you the blow by blow breakdown and aim for a quick summary instead. This video is a simple stationary shot of an old CRT tv. A VHS tape is inserted and a video of a man teaching his, evidently young, son how to use a camcorder plays. It is relatively wholesome and corny in that way that all home movies are and when it ends the tape rewinds and the segment plays again, this time with a few deviations. Over replays the father becomes aware of what is happening and begins trying to reason with Jake through the camcorder begging him to stop watching the tape and move on. The father is menaced by a large shadowy figure that does not speak or move when confronted. Eventually the father resorts to simply taking the camera and recording his own screams of pain. On the final rewind the father simply says, “Attaboy.” before calmly walking out the room and into the dark hallway, a doorway opens at the other end, filled with orange light, and the father walks through and down stairs. The final shot of the video is of the television, showing the hallway, as orange light begins to flicker in the background of the left side of the TV. The sound of the father descending the stairs transitions from the TV to diegetic and a shadow appears briefly in the light. On one level the video is clearly a statement about loss and about trauma. Jake is losing himself by watching these videos on repeat, trying in vain to relive a happier time. In that desperate desire to regain what was lost he is distorting it, making it into something it isn’t, hurting it. At the beginning the father says, “Never ever press the rewind button, otherwise you might record over a precious memory. We always keep the recording going forward . . .“ I think there is an additional, and more personal for BDG, reading however. The father is the modern character of BDG, and we, the audience, are Jake. He is pleading with us to leave the past behind and move on. This was only his 3rd video that he posted after leaving Polygon. It is a plea from him to leave the old character behind and stop trying to make one into the other. To stop obsessively comparing the new videos to the old. To let the future be the future and let the past be the past. He is telling us that his new work will not be like the old, that he has progressed past that and that now his viewers need to as well. The detachment and confusion of Earn $20K EVERY MONTH by being your own boss has transformed into a desire to move forward. But he needed to ensure that his audience was ready to come with him, and so he made a video about loss and the dangers of sinking too far into it. I know that there are some of you that feel I am reading too much of what I assume to be BDG’s thoughts and emotions into these interpretations, and I am the first to admit that I might be. In no way am I trying to say these are the only interpretations of these videos or even that they are correct. I think there is so much more of an artist that they put into their work than they realise. I do not know the mind of BDG, only he does, but these videos made me feel that I had a glimpse into the feelings of a man whose work I admire. These videos are either longer or a drastically different tone to the material he has put on his own channel and as such they stood out to me. They felt different, and they seemed to ask for a different level of scrutiny. On some level maybe BDGs videos can not be divorced from the story of BDG as a content creator, the same as any modern internet semi-celebrity, or indeed any artist. I guess there was also a part of me that wanted to answer the call to action I heard when BDG left Polygon, to unravel his work. I hope in some small way I’ve been able to do that.

[caker-baker]

Hi!! I hope your having a wonderful day or night! I was wondering if you could do another part to the speedster and telepath? No worries if you can’t!

Tracking a hero who theoretically ran faster than a bullet was proving difficult, especially when there was no longer a customized mental hold on said hero.

The villain didn’t give up, though, and they wouldn’t now, but their attention was being pulled away.

Normally, the villain would have put aside any crimes to find their hero, but this was also a matter of pride. Their intel told of some new villain, someone in their city, their terf.

They were ready, their mind warded to the brim if the other villain happened to be a telepath, and most other defenses didn’t stand against the villain’s mental strength.

Except super speed, apparently. They thought bitterly.

The villain wasn’t proud of their little tantrum a few months ago, but it gave them some perspective - how much they need the hero.

They had a contingency plan now, albeit a somewhat weak one. The villain had never been outsmarted like that before, even if it wasn’t so much about outsmarting, and more of the villain’s cuff going faulty.

Then the hero phasing through the cuff.

And predicting the villain’s moves.

And managing to avoid the villain’s mental grasp.

Maybe the hero was a tad more quick than the villain gave them credit for, quick in more ways than one.

With rolled up sleeves and an outfit they didn’t mind dirtying, the villain entered the supposed base of operations for this other villain, some run-of-the-mill dilapidated factory building, just outside the city.

It was a well educated guess, their intel could be wrong, but it looked too calm, something similar to when the villain just started.

“Hello.” The villain drawled in a mocking tone. “Surely you knew I was coming, wherever you are.”

The darkness wasn’t an issue, the villain could just extend a mental reach, what was an issue was the lack of thought to take hold of. There was just nothing.

“Hm.” The villain was resigned, and already back to focusing on the hero.

That’s when it hit them, this - this nothing felt a lot like something else.

“Hero?” The villain asked.

The answer was clear when the villain was knocked onto their back by a seemingly invisible force.

“Of course. You made it away from me once with knowledge of my telepathy, so why wouldn’t they send you back?” The villain stood and dusted themselves off. “Was the intel wrong as well? No new villains I need to take care of?”

All the questions were rhetorical, they both knew that, just like they both knew they were only building up to the inevitable.

The hero stopped. “You’ve...you’ve been quiet.”

Immediately the villain knew something was wrong, but they could play around this for as long as necessary.

“Yes, my plans have been otherwise put on hold until a certain pet finds it’s way back home.”

The two began a slow circle around each other.

“Why,” the hero staggered to the side, the villain raised an eyebrow. “Why don’t you just freeze me then?”

“Something’s different about you.” The villain acknowledged, almost sing-song “Since you’ve so kindly locked me out of that pretty head, I’ll have to figure it out the old fashioned way.”

With that, the hero zipped around, the villain very narrowly dodging their attacks. Once or twice, the hero would stumble again, slowing them down.

After another trip, the villain figured out the hero’s pattern: left to right, side to side. Knowing that, it was easy for the villain to shoot out their hand and snag the hero back by their collar.

They figured if the hero could phase through objects touching them, phasing through the villain would be no problem, hence grabbing the hero’s collar. The hero could always, however, phase through their own uniform, but the villain doubted they would want to be shirtless.

“Are you really so,” the hero stopped and panted, as strange as that was. “So hurt?” The words were supposed to be mocking, but the hero’s tiredness made it less so.

“Hurt? No, pet. This is all a matter of pride.” The villain didn’t hesitate, not wanting to give the hero a chance to run.

With their free hand, the villain placed their fingers on the hero’s temple, and plunged.

The villain could still vaguely sense what was happening in the outside world, but the hero’s mind was much more occupying.

It was chaotic.

The villain could feel any and all of the hero’s piece of mind torn to shreds, not gone, but broken. Then there were the surface level thoughts: Stop it. Get out of my head. You aren’t supposed to know how.

The villain went deeper.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts.

Memories began to bubble up, memories the hero very much wanted to stay hidden.

“It’ll be ok,” a whitecoat promised. “It’s just so they can’t control you.”

The villain felt the hero’s pain as something sharp and quick took them over, felt the hero’s mind synch up with something not their own, felt barriers upon barriers, layers of pressure too heavy for one head.

Almost as if someone dragged them out, the villain was forced out of the now angry teared hero’s mind.

“Hero,” the villain spoke low and soft. “I want to help you, but I need you copoorate”

“No. No.” The hero tried to pull away, but the villain held fast.

“They tried to make your mind as fast as the rest of you, so fast I couldn’t touch it.” The villain snapped. “They did it poorly. It will kill you unless I find a way to undo that. Let me find a way to undo that.”

The hero wasn’t as frantic anymore, but their face was still red and tired, the occasional tear slipping down their cheek.

“I’m not going back with you, I don’t want to be under anyone’s control.”

The villain buckled after a swift kick to their shins, the hero released from their grasp.

“You-” they growled. “Stay still.”

“Screw you.” The hero said from somewhere in the building, too fast for the villain to tell.

“Was I really that bad to you?” Asked the villain, eyes searching frantically for a stumbling hero. “It doesn’t have to be compulsion, pet, it doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want it to be, just come back with me, let me fix whatever happened.” Contingency plan be damned.

The hero tripped over their own feet, tired and sweating.

“How often do you tire like that?” The villain asked, slowly walking to the hero. “You know it’s not normal, I know it’s not normal, so why pretend it is?”

This time around, the hero was predicatable, and before they could move, the villain tackled, pinning the hero on the ground.

With one hand on the hero’s head, the villain mustered all the command they could.

“Sleep.”

And the hero did, suddenly out like a light.

Truth be told, it probably wouldn’t take that much to put the hero to sleep, they were already exhausted.

“I promise, pet, I’m not trying to hurt you.” The villain whispered, before taking the plunge again.

They didn’t know if it would hurt the hero, going through their unconscious mind. This was something they had only done twice, both times were out of necessity, somewhat like this now.

There was the whitecoat again, whispering soothing words to the hero as something took root in the base of their neck.

Go back. The others urged the hero. You know how to finally beat villain.

The villain felt the hero’s humming head, the heaviness sinking in deeper. Wide eyed, the villain left the hero’s mind to flip them onto their stomach.

It was hardly noticeable at first, but the villain was good with gadgets, good at knowing what to look for.

The chip at the base of the hero’s neck was killing them slowly as it worked. Rewriting a prefrontal cortex through the spinal cord was horribly stupid, and something even the villain couldn’t do.

The villain needed total silence and a cleanlier place of work if they were going to detach the chip from the hero’s spine. And that’s just what they would get.

.

Every so often while working on the hero, the villain seriously questioned who the good guys were.

They didn’t delude themselves into thinking they were a good person, the villain knew they weren’t, but they wouldn’t try and rewrite someone on a mental level like this.

What the villain did was gentle, what the other heroes did was sloppy. The villain just urged the hero to stay, they didn’t try and force them to change completely.

It wasn’t right to do that to a fellow hero.

When the hero woke up, they would be angry, angry at the villain for taking them back, angry they had lost, but hopefully themselves again, that’s what mattered.

The villain watched the hero intently, wondering what their anger could afford them, and considering the fluttering eyelids, the villain would soon find out.

“Please don’t move too fast, pet. As hard as that is for you.”

The hero didn’t heed any warnings, a hand flying up to the base of their neck, legs already planted on the ground.

“Just hear me out!” The villain had raised their voice over the hero clattering throughout the small room.

The hero continued to zip about, almost to the door, but the villain was standing in front of it.

Now they were face to face.

“While I have no doubt in your abilities and think you could match your frequency with mine easily, I also don’t believe phasing through me and the door is a risk you want to take.”

The room was otherwise unhelpful to the hero, no windows, and there was no telling they would come through somewhere safe if they tried a wall.

“Surely you don’t expect me to be civil.” The hero spat.

“Well, I was hoping you would take into consideration that I saved your life.” The villain knew they were guilt tripping the hero, but they really needed to hero to comply, which they did.

Now sitting, the hero didn’t bother to look the villain in the eyes.

“Your hero friends,” The villain began, sitting opposite the hero. “Sent you to fight someone viewed as a psychopath, armed only with experimental technology and super speed.”

“Are you?”

“I’m sorry?”

“A psychopath.” The hero explained. “I never asked in the time we were together.”

“No.” The villain said slowly. “And that isn’t the point. You don’t want to get to the point, because then you would be forced to admit your hero friends are bad people.”

“Don’t read my-”

“I didn’t. I don’t need to anyway, you have confirmed my suspicions.”

“No!” The hero protested. “You’re just twisting around the situation!”

The villain tilted their head up. “Am I?”

At that, the hero stayed silent.

“I’m not going to make you stay, pet.” The villain said, much to the shock of them both. “I just have a favor to ask.”

The hero’s eyes narrowed. “And that would be?”

“Stay away from your hero friends, just a couple of days.”

There was silence, and for a second, the villain was worried the hero wouldn’t agree, but their thoughts told a different story.

“That’s all?”

“Scout’s honor.” The villain held up a hand in a mock pledge.

It was difficult for the hero to stifle a laugh. “For some reason, I can’t imagine you as a happy camper.”

“Ah,” the villain grinned. “Well, a budding telepath rooming with more loud children, you know how these things go.”

The hero stood again. “Will you be unlocking the door?”

“If I must.”

Then the villain was alone. “Goodbye, pet.” They whispered.

It was unfortunate the hero didn’t seem too angry at the other heroes, it would have made going after their reckless friends easier. Still, they didn’t need the hero’s approval, they would be doing it one way or another.

The new mental track was still in place, so the villain knew if the hero went back on their word to see those apparent friends.

Yes, it would all be a choice this time around, but the options would grow slim.

.

A note: I hope you are having a wonderful day or night too.

[cleanlenins]

Going Angst Week 2021

Day 3: Family/Friends

TW: Referenced Suicide, Major Character Death, Brainwashing

Read on AO3

She had been trying to fix this blaster all morning, but it seemed to resist her at every turn. When she fiddled with the trigger mechanism, the circuit board would shift and cause a misfire. When she realigned the circuit board, the blaster seemed unable to draw power from the battery. When she fixed that she realized that the trigger mechanism had stuck again. Round and round it went, unable to fix that which she was an expert in. The very thing she had designed and created. Maddie tore off her hood in frustration, running her hands through her hair. The blaster thumped against the kitchen table.

Things used to be so much easier.

She had thought that when she and Jack finally finished the Ghost Portal, everything would fall into place. They would have access to the Ghost Zone. Their research could be proven beyond question. Their inventions and patents would be given the recognition that they had dreamed of all those nights of meticulous drafting. And though much of that did happen, it had come at a cost.

Her family.

She didn't know when it had happened, but her children had started to drift away. Sure, she had not expected them to always cling to her apron strings (though every mother hopes), but this was not the sort of distance brought on by children growing up. The distance was maintained by whispered conversations and discreet glances. A distance held on a foundation of lies and subterfuge. Of secrets and conspiracy. 

Maddie wasn't stupid. She saw it. Maybe a little later than she should have. But that wasn't her fault. It was the ghosts' fault. Constantly spreading their malignant taint onto the world of the living. They had turned her life's work, her portal, against her. Using it for their own perverse ends instead of the benign purpose of scientific discovery.  Of course, the ectoplasmic scum couldn't help but turn everything they touch into a plague among the living. It was their nature. 

Phantom was no exception.

No matter what Amity Park believed, Maddie knew better. The ghost was cunning in its malevolence, but she saw through the hero act. The ghost always seemed secretive, never shouting its plans like the other spectors. Making cheeky remarks with no hint of it's ulterior motives. But in the few moments that Maddie was able to get close enough to see its face, she could see the fear of detection plain as day. Her own son had made similar expressions when caught with his hand in the cookie jar. It was a facsimile of emotion, but an understandable one. The Fenton's would never be fooled by its trickery, they knew too much for that. It had good reason to be afraid of them. 

Even more so now that she knew the truth. Her face burned as she thought about how she had been tricked, her breath catching with the fury the memory brought.

She had been hunting. Not any ghost in particular, but she searched the streets for any that had been unwise enough to cross the veil. And she clung to the shadows, she saw a bright light emit from an alley. Cautiously, she slunk to the mouth of the alley and peaked inside. She nearly dropped her ecto-blaster in shock. 

There stood her Danny. Her Danny! Laughing with his friends, and one unnatural interloper. The female Phantom hovered feet from the ground, holding its stomach in laughter. Maddie was about leap around the corner to tell it to leave her son alone when-

"As fun as it was, I think my bruises have bruises. How about next time you find a different target for practice?" Danny smirked. Smirked! As if it was nothing more than a game of tag. 

"Aw, but you make such a great target! You look so goofy when you try to dodge," The ghost said. It then pantomimed a series of poses, obviously desperate attempts to avoid the painful burn of the ghost's ectoblasts. Danny's friends laughed at the show. Maddie grit her teeth.

"So! Same time tomorrow, then? I'm only going to be in town for another few days," The Phantom said. Her Danny snorted.

"Do I have a choice? You'd hunt me down and drag me out if I tried to avoid you," Her Danny laughed, as if that wasn't the most horrifying sentence he ever spoke.

"As long as you understand that," the ghost said, snapping its fingers into a gesture her son liked to call 'finger guns'. The female Phantom shot into the sky and disappeared. Danny and his friends chatted about their newest video game, but Maddie wasn't listening. She silently ran away from the scene, mind reeling.

No wonder the other Phantom always seemed afraid of them finding out his plans. It had a right to be afraid. If the Phantoms were using her children as target practice...

Maddie stilled at the front door. She remembered all the times Danny had come home with paltry excuses for the bruises and scrapes that covered him. The blood stains on his slowly dwindling wardrobe. The times he came home, obviously favoring and arm or a leg-

Phantom was as evil as any ghost, and now she had her proof.

But first, she had to help her poor Danny. The ghosts had somehow manipulated him into thinking that their cruel abuses were a joke! A game! How he must have suffered for the amusement of the ectoplasmic-scum. 

Maddie was pulled out of her thoughts at the sound of a loud click. She looked down in her hands and saw that she had finally been able to align all the pieces correctly in the blaster. The cool metal was lit by the eerie green glow the power source gave. 

This was the gun that would end Phantom. For good.

Maddie glanced at the clock, realizing it had taken more time than she had anticipated to finish the gun. She should check on Danny. She left the blaster where it sat on the kitchen table, and walked toward the lab. Descending the stairs quietly so as to not startle Danny.

Danny still sat in place where she had left him, arms and chest bound to the chair with ghost-proof tethers (overkill, but ghost-proof was the only kind they owned). Maddie had known that whatever brainwashing her son had been subjected to by the Phantoms would not be overcome with only words. So she had asked the school to let her borrow one of the Cramtastic Mark V's they had purchased. When she mentioned she wanted to catch Danny up on his grades, they let her take him out of school for a week.

Maddie's heart ached at the memory of Danny begging her to untie him. His tears as he thrashed, pleading for her to let him out. That it was a mistake. That Phantom wasn't tricking him. That Phantom was a hero. When she pointed out his bruises, he didn't have an explanation. She wanted to weep at her son's pain and to wrap her baby boy in her arms, but she had to stay strong. Jazz would never approve of her methods, but her daughter was away at college. Jack was away at a conference. What they never knew wouldn't hurt them.

It didn't take long for Maddie to write a program for the machine. A program of how ghosts were evil, how they only wished to cause harm, how there was nothing good about them except for their value to the field of science, how they should all be eradicated on sight. However, Phantom's mind control was powerful. Even when left to the machine's power of subliminal persuasion for hours, she would come back to find Danny had come up with a counterargument to the information. Maddie would rewrite the program to refute that, but the next time she came he would have another excuse. Over and over. It had been days now. But Maddie would never give up on her family. Would never give up on her son. He could be brought back to the world or reason. Phantom would not have a hold on his mind forever.

She cautiously walked up to him. He looked rough. She felt a pang of guilt, even knowing that this wasn't her fault. He had dark circles under his eyes streaked with tears. His wrists were rubbed raw against the restraints. He looked so tired. Breaking through this mind control was so draining, but who knows how long her son had been at Phantom's mercy?

"Danny, sweetie. Have you come to your senses?" Maddie asked softly. Danny blinked blearily at her, fresh tears escaping from the corner of his eyes. She gently wiped them away, cupping Danny's cheek in her hand. He leaned into the touch, before slowly nodding.

"Okay, sweetie. I just need you to tell me. Tell me about ghosts," Maddie almost whispered, wiping more tears away. Danny closed his eyes and swallowed.

"All ghosts...are evil," he croaked, his voice barely above a whisper. Maddie wanted to cry as well. Her poor baby had been through so much. But maybe it was finally over. Next she only had to get rid of the evil that had done this to him.

"That's right, sweetheart. All ghosts should be destroyed, right?" She rubbed his cheek with her thumb. He opened his eyes, pleading 

"All ghosts?" He asked, voice breaking.

"All ghosts, sweetie," Maddie said, still stroking his cheek. A sharp sob wracked his body. He nodded, more tears began to pour. Maddie felt a wet prickle in her own eyes.

"Even Phantom," Danny said. It wasn't a question, but Maddie nodded. She noticed her son's lip quiver. It hurt her so much to see him in such pain, but she knew it was for the best. She would finally have her Danny back. Phantom had lost its hold on her family.

"Especially Phantom."

Maddie turned off the program, and detached Danny from the chair and computer. He immediately latched onto her, with more strength then she thought he had. A vice-like hug that had them both collapsing into a sobbing puddle. Maddie combed through her son's hair, whispering assurances and love to him. That no evil ghost could harm him. She held him until the sobs subsided, completely exhausted he looked up at her. She guided him up the stairs and into the kitchen, having him sit in one of the chairs. She quickly made some toast, sure he would be hungry enough not to care that it was his least favorite thing to eat.

"I'm not hungry," he whispered, glancing at the fixed ecto-blaster on the table.

"You should eat, Danny. You haven't been eating much the last few days," Maddie pressed gently. Slowly, he nodded, mechanically chewing the toast. Maddie breathed a sigh of relief.

"What is that for?" he asked, nodding to the blaster.

"To get rid of Phantom, so he can't hurt anyone ever again," Maddie said. Danny nodded, still chewing the toast and staring at the blaster. He looked ready to tip over from exhaustion any second. Maddie could not wait to get her revenge for what her baby had been through. She itched to start hunting the Ghost Boy. She stood.

"When you're finished, why don't you go up to your room and rest? You've been through a lot these past few days," Maddie said, walking over and stroking his hair. He nodded, before leaning into her and hugging her once more.

"I love you, Mom," he said. She held him close.

"I love you too, sweetie," Maddie said, kissing his hair. She walked away and then down into the lab. She began gathering the equipment she needed to find Phantom. The Fenton Finder, the Fenton Nets, anything she could use to take that filth down. She stacked it all in her arms and headed upstairs. Danny had already left the kitchen, so she sat her tools on the table to better organize them. Putting each in place on her belt, and wrapping them into newly made holsters around her chest. 

She frowned when she set the last object in place. The blaster she had left on the table, repaired only half an hour ago, was missing.

Bang! She flinched at the noise, coming from upstairs. She was all to familiar with that sound.

"Danny?" She cried before rushing toward her son's room.

[kuiinncedes]

just the keys to paradise

jatp au - prologue - part 1/15? - 1834 words

relationships: blaine & sam & tina & artie

okkkk we're doing it 🤪 idk how regularly i will update this (omg ongoing fic??? who is she) but i do have like technically a ~few~ chapters i guess done,,, and i am working on the next so . we're gonna try this lol

anyway if it wasn't clear this is an au based on the most amazing tv show ever with only 9 episodes pls watch or rewatch it on netflix the emmy-award winning julie and the phantoms !!! 🤪

that being said if you haven't watched it what are you doing jk i think you can still read this and hopefully it makes sense 😂 feel free to ask me if there's anything that doesn't make sense lol :)

also fyi in case it influences your decision to read: this will be more focused on platonic relationships for a while but will almost certainly have main endgames klaine, quinntina, and samcedes 😋

prologue title and lyrics in this part from "now or never" from the jatp soundtrack

plot and some dialogue from julie and the phantoms so like credit to all those creators and writers 🤪

warnings for this part: car accident, major character deaths (both of these are not actually in writing/"on screen" just implied at the end (especially within the context of this being a jatp au) and nothing really described -- if you want/need more details feel free to ask me)

read on ao3 or under the cut :D

--

1995

“Dudes, we fucking killed that !” Sam cheers when the smoke has cleared, going around and giving each of them something that could be called a high-five, just not to their hands. Tina laughs and cheers too as Sam excitedly taps her feet after she gets out from behind her kit, still elevated on the drum stage. Some of the workers applaud them from the audience space.

“Too bad we wasted that on the soundcheck,” Artie jokes, putting his guitar down and grabbing his water bottle. “That was the tightest we’ve ever played, yo!”

Tina grins and hops down from the drum platform. Sam slings an arm around her shoulders and she grabs his wrist. They’re both sweaty and too warm but she doesn’t mind having Sam’s heat pressed against her right side.

God, she thinks… that really was something else, even though it was just the soundcheck. She looks around at her bandmates’ faces -- shiny with sweat, red with exhilaration and exertion, bright with elation, eyes wide with excitement and --

Wow. They’re playing the Orpheum.

Blaine pats Artie on the back, jostling him enough to spill the water he’s trying to drink down the front of his shirt, but Artie just laughs -- he’s soaked with sweat anyway. They have spare clothes backstage just for this reason.

“Just wait until tonight, guys, when this place is packed with record execs,” Blaine says, looking out wonderingly into the empty (for now) audience. His grin widens almost imperceptibly, which is impressive considering how huge it already is.

“We’re gonna be legends!” the other three of them chorus, before Blaine can, and they laugh when he turns to them, affronted. “That’s my line!”

“It’s what you get for saying it ten times a day for the last month!” Tina teases. Blaine pushes her shoulder playfully, putting his hand within reach for Sam to grab. It’s a strange position considering Sam’s arm is still around Tina’s shoulders, but Tina adds her hand to their hold as Sam beckons Artie over from his side of the stage, barking out his name with joking anger.

Artie puts his water down and walks over to complete the group, placing his hand on top of Tina’s. “Tina, you were smokin’,” he says.

She rolls her eyes a little and grins back. “Pretty sure you’re just talking about the pyro. You guys were the ones on fire,” she says, pointing her drumsticks around at them.

“T, can you just own your awesomeness for once?” Blaine exclaims.

“Queen T!” Sam calls, pulling her closer into his side. She stumbles into him, laughing as the guys all start cheering it after Sam.

“Okay, okay! Thanks, guys, I got it!” she squeals, trying to get them to quiet down although -- they are in the Orpheum, where they’re playing later, it’s not like they have to be quiet -- while Sam leans his weight on her, causing them to stagger into the drum riser. Tina catches herself on it and Sam finally detaches from her and they’re still being loud and raucous and probably somewhat annoying to the staff, but she’s just laughing too hard to care.

“We’ve got an hour ‘til the show; I say we go celebrate before we become legends!” Blaine proclaims, jumping off the stage. The other three follow.

Tina starts, “Celebrate our last night of being -- ”

“Losers?” Artie interjects.

They’ve caught the attention of one of the Orpheum workers -- a woman with brown hair who’s wiping down the tables, smiling at them as Tina catches her eye. “There’s some nice restaurants around here,” she says with a wink. “You guys really killed it, by the way. But it seems like you know that.”

Blaine laughs, a little sheepishly. “Thanks. Uh, I’m Blaine,” he says. “This is -- ”

“Sam, hi!”

“Tina, how’s it going -- ”

“Artie, hey.”

Tina raises her eyebrows and stifles a laugh at Artie as he leans his sweaty arms onto the table that the woman just cleaned.

“We’re Sunset Curve!” Blaine says to complete their introduction.

“Tell your friends!” Sam calls, raising his voice and drawing the other workers’ attention to them. Tina elbows him lightly in the side.

“Nice to meet you,” the stranger says. “I’m Elle. So… what were you guys thinking for this -- what was it -- ‘celebration of your last night as losers’?”

“Well, we really can’t afford any nice places -- ” Sam starts.

“Oh, you know what? We should just go to Tip Top!” Blaine says, clapping his hands together. The others are quick to agree -- it’s the small, cheap diner where they spent the evening after their first “real” gig, and they’ve spent countless hours there since, annoying the staff and depleting their supply of plastic silverware. The employees there have learned to let them take what they legally can (and sometimes what they couldn’t), and the band is friendly with most of them. They haven’t been there in too long, having been working hard to get the Orpheum gig, and then writing and rehearsing like crazy once they got it.

Elle smiles as they excitedly and loudly recount stories of Tip Top to each other -- sentimental memories and the ridiculousness they got up to -- talking over each other and having multiple conversations at once.

“I guess you don’t need my recommendations?” she says lightly.

“Oh! Yeah, sorry, we’re good, thanks so much for offering,” Blaine answers, polite as ever.

“Have fun! Looking forward to seeing you guys perform again tonight.”

“Thank you!” the four of them exclaim as they make their way back to the exit. Tina yanks on the back of Artie’s shirt as he lingers at the table, a dumb look on his face that tells her he’s trying to flirt, or at least, his version of it.

“Tina!” Artie yelps and she laughs at the annoyed look on his face.

“You are not exempt from this last night of loser-dom celebration. You’re telling me you’d rather flirt with a girl than this?”

“Yes,” Artie grumbles. There’s no heat behind it, and Tina playfully pushes him sideways.

“Plus, we need you to drive.”

“You can drive!”

“Technically we all can drive!” Tina laughs at Artie’s horrified expression, probably at the prospect -- and memory -- of the one time Blaine drove them to a gig. “Just not your car!” she calls, jogging to catch up with Blaine and Sam, Artie running after her. “Your car is the fucking worst.”

“Don’t talk about her like that!”

“Blaine and Sam agree!”

That gets their attention and the two guys turn, Blaine asking, “What are we agreeing with?”

“I agree with Tina,” Sam says immediately. Tina nods gratefully at him.

“You don’t even know what we’re talking about!” Artie complains.

They’re at his beat-up car now and they pile in, Tina in the passenger seat laughing as Sam all but tackles Blaine into the backseat when he starts for the driver’s side, jostling her and Artie in the front. They continue shuffling around while Artie attempts to start the car, to many concerning -- but normal for his car -- noises.

“This thing is gonna go down and take us with it, Artie,” Tina mumbles teasingly, absentmindedly twirling a drumstick in her right hand. (She realizes too late that she probably should’ve left them at the Orpheum, but it’s not a big deal -- they’re not her favorite pair which are safe in their studio and she has extras backstage in case something happens to this pair while they’re out.)

The car finally starts with a rumble and Artie lets out a cheer. “We’re fine, T. Let’s go, y’all!”

“Floor it, Artie!” Sam calls from the back. The car accelerates comically slowly even as Artie presumably “floors it,” but they’re going somewhere.

After a few minutes, Tina finds herself unconsciously humming her solo in the bridge of “Now or Never,” only noticing when Sam interjects suddenly with his “Tomorrow!” leaning between the front seats and slightly startling her. She laughs and continues with the words, “‘Cause we got all we need today! ”

“Today!” Artie echoes, miming his guitar playing with one hand on the steering wheel.

“Living on a feeling that’s been running through our veins!” Blaine sings loudly, joining Sam in crowding into the front of the car.

“We’re the revolution that’s been singing in the rain!” It’s Sam’s line, but they all belt it at the top of their lungs together.

“That’s my line!” Sam exclaims at the same time that Blaine cheers, “My favorite line!” Tina continues to clap the beat for the next part of the song, Artie hitting the steering wheel in rhythm with her. Her face hurts from smiling.

“Artie, dude, where’d you go?” Blaine asks suddenly. Tina looks around at their slowly darkening surroundings that are completely unfamiliar. Slight panic rises in her stomach but she swallows it down; she’s with her boys, they’re safe, just a little lost.

Sam bursts out in uproarious laughter as Artie complains, “You guys distracted me!”

“Told you I should’ve driven!” Blaine says. He leans forward again and Sam follows. Tina stays quiet, pressing herself against the door a little to make room; her boys aren’t that much better but she’s always been completely hopeless with navigation and directions.

“You would’ve gotten even more distracted from singing and veered us right into a fucking building,” Artie grumbles, but he obeys as Blaine directs him to turn left and chooses to ignore his comment.

“Safe driving, am I right, dudes?” Sam cackles as he returns to the backseat, and Tina can’t help but laugh with him. “We’re gonna miss our gig, that’s how we’ll be legends!”

“‘Sunset Curve Skips Orpheum Showcase For No Reason’?” Tina suggests, turning around in her seat to face Sam.

He points at her. “Exactly. Or, 'Sunset Curve Skips Orpheum Showcase Because They Don't Know How To Drive.' The end of a promising career,” he jokes somberly. “No one would ever book them again.”

They fall silent and only the mutters of Blaine and Artie fill the car, along with the loud engine.

“Still haven’t figured it out yet?” Sam groans loudly, laying on his back across the backseats as Blaine is leaning awkwardly out of his seat to help Artie navigate.

“Not like you’re helping!” Artie says.

“That’s the street!” Blaine exclaims, pointing ahead. “The next intersection.”

“Give it up for Mr. Blaine Anderson, everyone,” Artie drawls, speeding up the car a little bit. “Perhaps not able to drive, but navigator extraordinaire.”

“You chose the wrong career path, dude,” Sam says, propping himself up on one elbow to clap Blaine’s shoulder. “Like, songwriting?”

Blaine looks down at him, raising an eyebrow. “Songwriting?” He gestures for Sam to continue.

Sam shrugs, sitting up finally. “Just, you know, songwriting, bro…" His gaze suddenly shifts and fixes at a point beyond Tina. "What th-- that car Artie!”

Tina snaps her gaze away from Sam just in time to see him yank Blaine down into his seat and the set of blinding headlights through the car windows in her periphery.

---

as a final note, i'm not sure if it can be seen this way but i'm not trying to erase artie's disability or anything and i believe i'm not doing that; as you might be able to guess, the car accident at the end of this is what paralyzes him, like in glee canon but just several years later (in his life not in actual time). please let me know if any aspect of this is disrespectful or anything <3

[gretchensinister]

Little Souls and Careless Gods: An Exploration of Worldbuilding in Toy Story

Sid did nothing wrong.

Or, let me clarify. The things Sid did wrong were: taking his sister’s toys and modifying them without her permission. That’s it.

Hi, my name is gretchensinister and I have a lot of thoughts about the worldbuilding in Toy Story.

I should admit at this point that I haven’t seen Toy Story 4, only talked about it with someone who has, so if some of my questions are answered by that movie or if it torpedoes some of my speculations, that’s just—that’s just an imperfection of this essay.

I barely know where to begin, but, I started with Sid, so I’ll keep going with Sid. Sid is a kid. Sid is a jerk to his younger sister, but she’s freely yelling across the house tattling on him, so it doesn’t seem like she’s suffering irreparable damage from this. Other things Sid does: wins a squeaky toy for his dog in a claw machine game, blows up toys with fireworks, takes toys apart and joins them to other toys to make new toys. Burns a toy with a magnifying glass.

None of these things is an immoral action, for a person who, through all lived experience (until the toy attack) understands that toys are objects. It’s not bad to give your dog an object to chew on. It’s not bad (morally) to blow up an object with a firework. It’s not bad to take objects (that are yours) and make them into new, different objects. It’s not bad to burn an object with a magnifying glass. From the toys’ perspective, Sid is a sadistic mad scientist type, but from everything he could possibly know, his “torture” of Woody is messing around with an object! His object! That he got from a claw machine! The pretend torture as a choice of play is worth questioning, but it’s not so uncommon as a media trope that an average kid would never have seen anything like that in an action-adventure context. And it doesn’t predict how Sid will treat actual living beings!

(As an aside, I’m firmly of the belief that if you own an object, you should feel free to do whatever you want with it. Set it on fire, take it apart to see how it works, use it as raw materials in a craft project, etc. And yeah I would make exceptions to this rule for like, privately owned culturally significant art or scientifically significant artifacts…but if they’re that significant…they shouldn’t be privately owned.)

So yeah. Sid gets traumatized because he treats objects like objects, and the objects don’t like that. Because they’re actually alive and have now promised to constantly surveil him.

And let’s be clear: Andy doesn’t know toys are alive, either. He never does. He just has a different play style than Sid, and more of an interest in keeping his toys intact. Andy has no empathy with Woody and Buzz, because he is not aware that they are beings that he could empathize with.

All right. Beyond Sid, what I really want to talk about is the nature of a toy’s mind/soul in the Toy Story universe. I will call this the toy’s animus. Much like with the soul and mind of a human being, the animus raises several questions. How is the animus created? Where does the animus reside? Is the animus a tabula rasa, or does it possess innate knowledge? Where does this innate knowledge come from, if so? Is the animus mortal or immortal?

The Toy Story universe offers various pieces of evidence to answer these questions, and they are all extremely worrying if toys and humans are both morally significant beings, though humans do not know this about toys.

Is a toy mortal or immortal?

In the Toy Story movies it is clear that toys believe they can die. Sufficient destruction of the body would cause a toy’s death. Sid’s plan to blow up Buzz Lightyear with a firework threatens his life. In Toy Story 3, the toys in the trash incinerator clearly believe that burning/melting will kill them. But, short of catastrophic destruction of the body, toys are immortal. Jessie suffers, but does not die, from withdrawal of her owner’s love. Stinky Pete was never played with by a child, and he’s alive as any other toy. Additionally, human-mimicking toys are not killed even when damaged in ways that would kill a human, though this does affect their ability to communicate. In the tea party scene in Toy Story, the headless dolls wave when they are referred to. (This raises more questions—how does a headless doll experience the world? They can still hear, but how? Also, why doesn’t the headless teddy bear move? Perhaps they simply don’t want to get involved in whatever’s going on with Woody and Buzz.)

I think, according to what we see in the movies, the animus is divisible, and each part of the divided animus contains only a portion of the cognitive ability of the whole. Moreover, the animus is not centered in the head, but rather dispersed throughout the body. I would further argue that splitting the body/splitting the animus, is traumatic, even when reversible. Consider that Buzz’s mental breakdown coincides with the detachment of his arm.

What does this mean for Sid’s creations? Well, it would explain why they don’t talk. The baby-doll head with the spiderlike erector-set body (aside: is this a reference to The Thing (1982)?) really has no reason to be mute, if a toy simply must have a mouth to speak. Its form is unconventional, but, I would say, still “complete.” But if the head only carries an incomplete animus, and the erector set parts carry no animus of their own (an assumption which will be questioned later) then the whole toy would not have enough animus for verbal communication.

Janie the doll and the pterodactyl, with their switched heads, suffer significant disruption of their animi. Would their fractured animi eventually merge to form a new animus for each new body, with a different personality than Janie or pterodactyl? What part of the “Barbie” personality lingers in the animus of the toy crane with Barbie legs?

There is an exception to the concept of the fractured animus, however, and that is Mr. Potato Head. Mr. Potato Head exists in several parts to begin with, and mere separation does not fracture the animus. Curiously, though, some parts of Mr. Potato Head do not appear to contain any part of his animus, such as his plastic potato body. He retains all of his personality and ability to communicate when he has to put his features on a tortilla (?—don’t remember this part well) even though he is from an era of Mr. Potato Heads where his features are only meant to be put in the plastic potato body, not random foodstuffs. (Another question here: what would happen if an even amount of Mrs. Potato Head and Mr. Potato Head features were put on one plastic potato body? Do both animi retain coherence?) It is impossible not to wonder how far apart the features of Mr. Potato Head could be spread and the animus remain whole. At least as far apart as different buildings, as shown in Toy Story 3, but how much farther?

Creation of the animus and innate knowledge.

We are now about to embark on the specific topic that fills my thoughts now when I think about the Toy Story universe. I believe I will first fix myself a vodka cranberry (note: not just vodka and cranberry juice. To make it properly you must also add a splash each of orange juice and lime juice) and read a synopsis of Toy Story 4. Forky’s creation is a deep source of trouble here, and I must fortify myself to face it.

Where do I even begin? Okay. Bonnie, a kindergartner, creates Forky from items salvaged from the trash and names him. He comes to life after being named. According to the synopsis Forky then suffers an existential crisis because he believes he his trash and not a toy. So in this case, the animus appears to arrive after naming, and the animus is not a tabula rasa. The history of the materials appears to have some effect on the animus? (What this might mean for Rex or the plastic army men is especially concerning here.) It doesn’t make sense for Bonnie to think of Forky as trash, so this conviction has entered Forky’s animus from somewhere other than his creator. Also Bonnie has created sentient life without being aware of doing so, probably before being able to write a full sentence.

That’s troubling enough, because, to the eyes of adults or even older children, Forky is garbage. I project Forky’s lifespan of play to be that of months. And he won’t get passed onto other children. Depending on how Bonnie’s community disposes of trash, he may linger with an intact animus, at a landfill, for longer than Bonnie’s own life. It boggles the mind. (And invites hoarding in the empathetic.) However, despite all this, I would be cool with it if this was the only way toys became animate: being owned/named/played with by a child. That could be a complete worldbuilding conceit.

But that’s NOT how animi are generally formed in the Toy Story universe. Let’s back up to Toy Story. Buzz Lightyear has a personality and memories of his history as a space ranger right out of his box. And as we see in Toy Story 2, every Buzz Lightyear comes with that same initial personality. A commercial in Toy Story shows aisles upon aisles of Buzz Lightyears. Something has enabled the creation of thousands, if not millions, of identical animi. There is no direction this can go that isn’t kind of batshit.

Buzz Lightyear and the story that forms his memories were designed and created by adults. It was someone’s (and probably a team’s) job to design a toy that would be popular for a specific demographic, with (if I remember correctly) a cartoon that elaborates on the story and can basically serve as a long-running commercial for the toy. There were probably team meetings, and focus groups, and brand analysis to come up with the name “Buzz Lightyear.” And in such an endeavor, while I would like to imagine that there were some truly creative people involved who cared about the design and story, the people involved would not be the ones playing with the toys as toys want to be played with. And this is where every Buzz Lightyear animus comes from? But how? A manager or director approves the name and then…what? Is there a wellspring of animus that forms? Is it tied to the prototype? The factory workers in Taiwan don’t care about Buzz Lightyear the way Bonnie cares about Forky, and yet their actions in completing Buzz Lightyears call the animi to the plastic bodies. (And the animi are there, without a child’s touch. Stinky Pete was aware in his unopened box. Other toys opened a new Buzz Lightyear and got a living Buzz Lightyear.) And even leaving aside how the animi get into the Buzz Lightyears, the fact is that with millions of Buzz Lightyears out there, we have to conclude that the process that created his animus/animi is orders of magnitude more powerful than what Bonnie did to make Forky. Even assuming some personal care held by Buzz’s designers towards their design, it gets weird. The imaginations of adult toy designers are that much more powerful than a little girl creating and naming her own toy? NOT the way I would expect such a story-world to be set up, but the evidence is there.

And what if the designers of Buzz Lightyear weren’t particularly passionate? What if their boss just said “space is popular now, make me a space toy” and that’s the only reason why they did? That could very well be the case for a different type of toy in the series: the claw machine aliens. Those toys were not designed as a soulful passion project. I’m trying to write this to not be mean to designers who work in not-so-great places, but seriously. We have all seen generic toys in claw machine games before. They were not made to be immortally loved. (And yet! This is what the animus of a toy inherently desires!) Now, the claw machine aliens do seem to have much less backstory than Buzz Lightyear, and have personalities (or maybe just personality)/culture based on the nature of the claw machine. That makes sense, since they wouldn’t have been given a backstory with creation. The point is, though, that they still have animi. In the process of creating these cheap, cheap toys, by the dozens and hundreds and thousands, somehow their bodies were invested with full, identical animi. Adult, corporate creation somehow gives more life to toys than individual, child-led creation.

There are more questions to ask. If adults still have the power (and MASSIVELY MORE power) to invest toys with animi that they also possessed as children, then what can be invested with an animus? What are the limits of toy-ness in the Toy Story universe? Is it the name? I don’t think it’s the face, because there’s Woody merchandise in Toy Story 2 with Woody’s face on it that doesn’t talk. And I think that some faceless toys are shown to move independently/have an animus (possibly including things like LEGO—are the bricks a hivemind? Do the minifigs live inside sentient structures? Can they communicate with these structures? Also, if so, the erector set legs on Sid’s spider baby toy should have added to its total animus. But that’s not the corporate intent, so they’re still voiceless.). Christine (1983) could fit into this universe if the name is of primary importance (movie backstory for Christine, not book). But this would also mean that literally every boat and ship was sentient, but secretly so.*

If the name isn’t the important thing, is it the intent that the object be played with as a toy? In this case, that would mean that Bo Peep’s animus was not mass-produced, as she was originally part of a lamp if I remember correctly. Child-created animi would therefore be more common among non-toy objects than manufactured toys. I also want to bring The Brave Little Toaster (1987) up at this point. In this movie a group of appliances behave similarly to Toy Story toys in some ways, including being played with by their owner and then missing his attention to a high degree when he goes to college. However in this film all appliances and cars have animi, and I personally do not want my vacuum cleaner to feel any kind of way about me, or ever think I have played with it, because I hate vacuuming and would neglect it to death if feasible. (That being said…roombas in the Toy Story universe can hardly avoid being invested with animi, I imagine, no matter the details of the worldbuilding structure.) I bring this up, though, because Wikipedia notes that the original members of Pixar worked on The Brave Little Toaster. Toy Story was released in 1995 and was Pixar’s first feature length film. There is a connection, is what I am trying to say.

I think I have to go with: intent of the object to be a toy and/or being played with as a toy invests a toy with an animus. If it was the naming, then many, many public statues would be as alive as Woody and Buzz, and the people of Denver I’m sure have enough to worry about without Blucifer (Jiménez, 2008) galloping around. Bizarre to say that the least troubling option places mass production on a higher level of investing power than a child’s imagination. And I mean what I say about the mass produced animi being somehow more powerful than child-created animi.

Let’s go back to Sid’s creations. What is wrong with them? Why aren’t they able to communicate like Forky? Possibility 1: Sid just doesn’t have the creative power that Bonnie does. I don’t like this because, as I said at the beginning, Sid is not doing anything wrong by making these chimera toys. He’s treating objects as objects, and the difference between Sid’s chimera toys and Forky is that Forky’s component parts were not originally part of mass-produced toys. So, (from a worldbuilding/Watsonian perspective), I have to go with possibility 2, which goes like this: mass-produced toys are imbued with animi because they are toys. Sid’s chimera toys suffer from their animi being fractured when he alters them. But these fractured, mass-produced animi retain enough coherence and power that Sid, a child, cannot replace the fractured animus with whatever he imagines for his new creations. He’s an imaginative kid! But the corporate animus cannot be expelled. The factory animus is the underlying animus and cannot be removed once the toy is a toy. It can develop with memory and experience, but it will always be the toy making corporation that brought the spark of life, not the child that actually plays with the toy.

And this actually corresponds to Sid’s toys’ decision to rebel and help Woody and Buzz. Their animi are more loyal to the corporate intent that first created them. Sid made them into something new, presumably plays with them, and yet they are not Sid’s. They are meant to be read as broken and tortured (Sid has changed them from their factory-created wholeness), not as new beings. A factory-created, owned object, is meant to be held with the same level of care and maintenance of coherence as a living being in the Toy Story universe. What a child imagines about their own toys has less creative power than a distant designer who’s been told to come up with something appealing to put in a claw machine. Children only have animating power for their toys when they make them out of raw materials.

On the one hand, it’s tempting to say that of course the toys aren’t Sid’s, they’re their own people—isn’t that what having an animus means? But Woody, for example, find it very important that he’s Andy’s toy—a possession—“a child’s plaything.” Andy writes his name on him and this is very important to Woody, enough a part of his identity that when Andy’s name is painted over by the restorer in Toy Story 2 the scene reads as an erasure of something important to him, not as a restoration of his autonomy. Time and again we see that toys want to be owned by children.

This is another place where things get weird. First, I raise the question: What do toys need to keep animus and body together? Not much—only a certain baseline of bodily coherency. They don’t need to take in anything from their environment. More interesting, though, is that they don’t need anything from the children they bond to. Shelved, boxed, and forgotten toys suffer, but they don’t die from these states. No toy will ever find a toy’s corpse the way a human could find a human corpse—whole in every way except for the absence of the animating spirit.

So: toys as entities need little. The next question is then, what do toys want? Toys want to be owned and played with by a child (I say child and not children, because the communal state of the daycare in Toy Story 3 is clearly not desirable to the toys). Woody relishes his place as favorite and most played with toy at the beginning of Toy Story. In Toy Story 2 Jessie grieves when her child outgrows her. Stinky Pete was ignored by children for years, causing him to develop the abnormal belief that it would be better for the Woody’s Roundup toys to be preserved in a museum.

(At this point, I spot another thread to follow. It seems that for a toy, the most important relationship in their existence is meant to be toy + owner. In Toy Story Woody is very invested in making Buzz understand that Buzz is a toy and not a space ranger—Buzz is supposed to stay with Andy. In Toy Story 2 the consequences of not being owned by a child are grief and violence. But at the end Woody tells Buzz he’s not worried about Andy outgrowing him, since they’ll always have each other. Now, Toy Story 3 builds up Buzz/Jessie and in Toy Story 4 Bo Peep returns and Woody leaves Buzz and the other group of Andy’s toys for a life with her, but Woody also leaves the toy + owner life to be with Bo. Toys aren’t made to have an independent existence, yet this is how they end up, also acting as matchmakers to help lost toys find new owners and enter into new toy + owner relationships? THERE IS A WHOLE OTHER ESSAY HERE.)

To stay within just one rabbit hole here, however, I must focus on this: Toys want to be owned and played with by a child. They bond with child owners who do not deliberately alter their bodies (I add this because again, Sid’s toys do not appear to be bonded with him). But within this framework, there must be essential pain within a toy’s existence. Toys are immortal unless destroyed. Toys will experience actual play with a child for, let’s say, ten years, maximum, and that’s if the toy is given to the child when the child is very young and the toy is more classic/versatile than most. That’s way shorter than the best human friendships and familial relationships, and at least human beings can often reasonably hope to have lifespans that are of comparable lengths. Oh yeah, and among human beings people are usually AWARE of the relationship that’s taking place. So toys want to form deep bonds with their children and want to have these relationships last. But the relationships can’t last. I’ll gladly state that play, in some form, is necessary for humans to thrive throughout their lives, but the kind of play that the toys in Toy Story find ideal is a childhood phase of play that that most people naturally outgrow. And even if a human did engage in play ideal for toys throughout their entire life, toys are immortal unless destroyed. All toys will lose their owners, and usually after a pretty short handful of years.

The aftermath of the owner + toy relationship is always painful for the toy. What are the options? To remain owned, but not played with: perhaps the “best” option, but it still leaves the toy with only a memory of a full life. Is a shelf life really a life? This is what was facing Woody, I believe, if Andy had taken him with him to college. Another option: to be outgrown and forgotten. This is what happens to Jessie, and it is a deeply, deeply painful experience for her. She develops claustrophobia from being stored in a box. To be donated or sold at a garage sale: also a source of trauma and panic for the toys, but still better than the worst fate, to be thrown out. But toys that have been separated from their previous owners are so often grieving and/or bitter in the Toy Story series.

This is troubling, to say the least, but it also loops back to questions about the animus and memory. Toys are not tabula rasa. Buzz has a strong personality and memory set from his unboxing. Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head do not need to court each other. Tour Guide Barbie will act as a tour guide in the absence of children. But with time, and accumulation of true memories as a toy, the toys will develop their own personalities, even if the animus starting point can often remain a strong influence. In Toy Story 3, however, we learn that certain toys, such as Buzz Lightyear, can be returned to the original animus state through a factory reset. I hardly know what to do with this. It wasn’t a permanent reset; Buzz’s memories and the personality he’s developed do come back. (But now he also has access to a “Spanish mode” that is…sexier (can such a word apply?) to Jessie than his English mode. Also other toys can put him into his mode against his will. There are so many worms in this can. Sexualization of Latinx people, can a toy expect bodily autonomy from other toys, etc.?) But not every toy has a reset button. Woody doesn’t. Slinky Dog, Rex, Mr. Potato Head, etc. don’t. Does the threat of a reset only affect toys with bodily components that could be considered brain analogues, i.e., microchips? But the animus is not the “brain” and neither does the “brain” store memories/personality. I really, really don’t know what to do with this, except it seems once again to assert the ultimate strength of the adult/corporate-created animus.

The point is, toys can lose their memories, but when we see that in the movies, it leads the toy to go back to their earliest state.

Now: a mystery. In Toy Story, Woody has developed enough memory and personality that he is well aware of being a toy and is involved with the life of Andy’s room in ways that neither his sheriff role or Andy’s imagination reasonably encompasses. (Consider the “Plastic Corrosion Awareness Meeting.”) All right. This would be of no concern if Woody was a generic wild west doll, but he’s not. He was made to represent a character on the Woody’s Roundup TV show in the 1950s. He would have had an animus strongly imprinted with that backstory just like Buzz Lightyear had his strongly imprinted space ranger backstory. Well, then maybe this means that Woody just never lost his memory. That would be the best explanation. That’s why he has a personality mostly free from this imprinted backstory, having been Andy’s favorite toy for some time. But Woody has lost his memory. In Toy Story 2, Woody learns (learns!) that he’s a representation of a TV character. He meets Jessie and Bullseye and Stinky Pete without knowing who they are at all. Woody has somehow completely forgotten his origins. He experienced memory loss that brought him farther away from his animus starting point.

Okay, so there are multiple kinds of amnesia for toys; I was wrong in my earlier assertion that memory loss tends to the origin animus. But I want to keep poking at Woody’s memory issues because of something else that Woody’s timeline leads me to conclude: Andy is not Woody’s first owner, OR Woody was boxed up and forgotten for DECADES before Andy. Actually, he’s probably spent a significant amount of time in storage or on a shelf regardless of whether Andy is his first owner or not.

Toy Story was released in 1995. If the story is set in the present, then Andy is very close to my age. Now, Woody is “an old family toy” according to Toy Story 2, and Al, as a toy collector, was so thrilled and astonished to find a Woody at a garage sale that he stole him when he learned he wasn’t actually for sale. This leads me to the conclusion that Woody toys aren’t in continuous production. Woody was probably only manufactured during the height of Woody’s Roundup’s popularity, in the 1950s. So there’s two options for Woody’s ownership history. I’m also going to presume in both cases that Andy’s father was the parent that previously owned him, though there’s no reason why his mother couldn’t have been the owner.

So, option one: the young parents/young grandparents option. If Andy’s grandparents had his father when they were about twenty, and then Andy’s parents had Andy when they were about twenty, then Andy’s grandfather could have gotten Woody at ideal playing age and then later passed him down to Andy’s father and then Andy’s father would have passed him to Andy. I don’t think this is the case, though, because Woody still has his incredibly rare hat and a functional voice box. If Woody had been played with by a child at ideal playing age at the height of the popularity of his character’s show, I think it’s likely that he would have gotten played with so much (and taken to places so much) that he would have lost his hat and his voice box would have worn out. Woody didn’t start off life as a collectible, and play causes wear and tear on toys. And if Woody was originally the grandfather’s toy, then he would have gone through another round of play with Andy’s father. Woody’s condition is too good for that. Unless, that is, Andy’s whole family is made up of people who are unusually careful with their toys? That’s sort of an intriguing idea, since it means that Sid’s actions look even more horrifying by contrast, and generations of “ideal owners” for Woody obscure the bizarre nature of the life of a thinking, feeling toy. However, the Toy Story universe keeps raising questions in Toy Story 2-4 about what it means to be a toy, so there doesn’t seem to be a motivation in the series for such obscuring. This is despite the fact that Woody’s amnesia does obscure some things about the nature of a toy’s life, at least in the original Toy Story. (I know the Doylist perspective answers all this easily—this isn’t what the audience is meant to think about, Woody’s backstory as a toy from a 1950s TV show isn’t important in Toy Story, and in fact this backstory didn’t exist until Toy Story 2 was created.)

Regardless, I don’t think the young parents/young grandparents option is the right one. Instead, I choose option 2: the slightly older parents option. Woody’s Roundup is a TV show from the 1950s. It was popular enough to lead to a lot of merchandise, not just the dolls of the main characters. Brief research shows that in the 1950s television Westerns were incredibly popular, and there were Westerns made for kids and Westerns made for adults. The question I’m trying to get at here is trying to figure out how Andy’s grandparents would have known about a kid’s Western show. But, it’s really not that difficult. In this timeline I’m building now, Andy’s father would have been born in the 1950s, making him in his early-mid thirties when he became Andy’s father. Given this timeline, it’s overwhelmingly likely that Andy’s father has siblings, including older siblings, that might already watch Woody’s Roundup. Or, even if Andy’s father was the oldest child, it’s also overwhelmingly likely that Andy’s grandparents’ friends had plenty of kids of their own and probably talked among themselves about what kids liked. The significant thing in this timeline is that Woody would have been given to Andy’s father when Andy’s father was very young. Perhaps too young for a Woody doll, but perhaps also with the assumption that Andy’s father would grow into the doll. So Woody is unboxed and waits on a shelf for a couple years while Andy’s father grows a little. My theory is that Woody’s Roundup was no longer on television by the time Andy’s father was at the right age to start playing with a doll of Woody’s type. This would have two consequences. One: Andy’s father would have been unguided by the TV show in regard of how to play with Woody, meaning that Woody would have formed many memories unrelated to his original animus in this early stage of his life. Two: even though Woody was played with, he never was Andy’s father’s favorite toy, which is why he was able to be passed down to Andy in good condition (and still with his hat).

In this option 2, which I feel is more likely, Woody has probably spent at least 25 years on a shelf or in storage. So why is this important? I think it’s important because Woody doesn’t act like he’s been through the decades-in-storage experience, or the experience of having an owner outgrow him. He sympathizes with Jessie after learning her story, but he says nothing about having experienced anything like it himself. And as far as the movies are concerned, his worries about Andy outgrowing him are new worries. But they can’t be new! He’s already been outgrown at least once before! I mean, with Andy he’s a favorite toy, so that’s a unique owner + toy relationship status that he (probably) didn’t have before. Maybe that amplifies what he’s going through this time?

But there’s another aspect to Woody’s experiences that I want to touch on. All the other toys he would have known as Andy’s father’s toy are gone. There are no other “heirloom” toys in Andy’s room, or at least there is no evidence of this. All of Andy’s other toys seem to have been purchased just for Andy, and purchased new. There is no reference to garage sale trauma, previous owners, or anything like that. And as we’ve seen from other toys throughout the series, toys remember that kind of thing! But Woody doesn’t. His animus is one that shows years of experience building over his character backstory, but he never acts like he’s experienced being outgrown or losing all his toy friends.

Or at least he never says anything about such experiences.

I think it makes sense to read Woody’s amnesia as genuine. But I also think it would be reasonable to read his character as one that has undergone traumatic experiences and has responded by burying them so deep within his mind that he has no conscious access to them, even though they influence his current personality and life. (It’s impossible to know, but do toys in every household respond to birthdays and Christmas with such intense monitoring—with the desire for even the slightest early warning of replacement? Woody is the one who worries most about these celebrations, extremely anxious of his own status as favorite toy.) That the ending of Toy Story 4 removes him from the cycle of ownership and outgrowing can’t be ignored. Better to not have an owner than to experience losing an owner again, and again, and again?

But I do think there is one other possibility: Andy’s ownership of Woody caused him to lose all his memories of Andy’s father. A child may not be able to give a manufactured toy a new animus, but by possessing a toy in a play relationship (as opposed to a collector relationship) a child may be able to overwrite any memories of the toy’s previous owner. The process doesn’t happen instantaneously, as Andy’s toys don’t immediately forget him upon being transferred to Bonnie, but it would certainly explain why Woody makes no reference ever to a previous owner, even though he was most likely manufactured at least 35 years before coming into Andy’s possession. However, Jessie’s story argues against this. While she is happy among Andy’s toys, there’s nothing to show that she is forgetting her own past.

The possibility of a new child owner driving out all thoughts of the previous one is interesting, as it puts some degree of power over the toy’s animus back with the child. However, in the Toy Story universe, it’s clear that if this is the case, it’s not an instantaneous process. And if it’s not an instantaneous process, then it becomes overly complex. What memories would be driven out? For toys less adventurous than the main characters of the Toy Story movies, their whole lives are centered on their owners. They live in their child’s room/house. Anything that took place there would have to be forgotten to not bring up thoughts of the previous owner, including conversations with other toys that were friends of that first toy. At this point we approach a state of complete memory loss before the claim by a new owner. A gradual process would at least allow continuity of personality, since new memories under the new owner would be continually being made. But then, some new memories would have to fade, also. For wouldn’t a toy talk about their past while they could still remember it? And wouldn’t their new friends maybe bring up their past in conversation sometimes? They might even talk about the process of forgetting. That process would be noticed and known among toys. No, after thinking about it, I would say that there is no inherent forgetting process. Memories will mostly tend to stay, with whatever pain and joy they bring. And there will never be any transition process that is easy for the toy.

Woody’s amnesia remains his own, and remains his best defense against the trauma of being outgrown and shelved or stored for many years.

Toys have a strange and painful lot in life, semi-immortals being made to be silent companions to the briefest stage of a mortal lifespan. They live because they are made for children, but for most, in this world of mass production, children do not create them. Their animi are the spawn of creators who have no intent to create thinking, feeling beings. Escaping the stamp of such thoughtless creation means living long enough to know the deepest loss a toy can experience. Sometimes the only way to move forward from such loss is to forget. And yet, there is little will for most toys to move beyond this cycle. Toys overwhelmingly retain their roles as objects. I’d like to say that maybe this means that play is worth it, that temporary joy is worth it. But maybe it’s just the nature of being a toy. After all, if there’s any intent in their creation, there was the intent that they should be objects.

*I would never leave a dangling asterisk. My previous point was about ships and boats, but, if seagoing vehicles live because they are named, then there’s no reason why land vehicles would not do the same. It might be possible to argue that the Cars universe came about after some cataclysm wiped out humans and left only named vehicles behind.

Other avenues of investigation that were beyond the scope of this essay:

1) The situation between the Diamonds and every other gem in Steven Universe is highly analogous to the situation between humans and toys in the Toy Story universe, save for the crucial difference that the Diamonds have no excuse to not know that the other gems are complete feeling, thinking beings and to treat them as such. It was actually parallels I saw between Spinel + Pink Diamond and Jessie + her owner that got me thinking about aspects of the Toy Story universe in ways that I know are meant to be ignored. Also Pink Diamond bringing all those little pebble people to life just by crying on them. That’s a lot of responsibility coming from a solitary expression of emotion!

2) I’d be curious to know if a hugely popular series based on the agency of objects has had an effect on fan culture at all. Or it might at least be a way to examine actions taken on behalf of characters. Fictional characters, after all, don’t feel any kind of way about the situations and relationships people envision them in. They’re mental objects like toys are physical objects. In the real world is anyone going to argue that putting the faces of dolls or action figures together and making kissing noises is something to worry about? Is anything about putting a naked Barbie on top of a naked Ken a harmful act? In the real world I would say no. Also, with full awareness that this is a can of worms, what is the impact of such things in the Toy Story universe? Obviously this wouldn’t be addressed in any canon. But the Toy Story universe is supposed to be like reality with one big secret so there are kids that are definitely using their toys to play out love stories and stories including a vague understanding of sex. And another aspect to all this…if you’ve seen Booksmart, consider one of the characters’ uses of her childhood stuffed animal. I understand that this is not uncommon.

All right. I think I’m done now. And that I will probably go get another drink.

(I had a few baby dolls as a child that included their own toys as accessories. H—how would THAT work?)

[ginkgomoon]

Shaw's Birth Chart- An Astrological Study

Late second birthday gift to Shaw. I haven't done any heavy analyses/studies in a while but I felt happy that I also completed some good solid Shaw content! Please enjoy. *Cries because it's finally done and before June is over.*

What is Astrology?

Astrology is the study of stars- the placements and movements of different celestial bodies to correlate what’s happening on Earth. It comes from the early Latin word astrologia.

There’s a rule that we live by-

As above so below

This means whatever happens within our solar system will ultimately affect us here on Earth. For example, the moon governs our emotions, and since our body is approximately 70% water, why wouldn’t the moon affect us too? But it’s not just us, it's the moon’s gravitational pull on the oceans, in the same sense, it’s also the moodiness you may feel during full moons!

There’s many aspects to Astrology, and that would normally be too much for a single post so I’ll be elaborating on the major contributions to one’s birth chart. This will include the planets and the signs.

There’s the inner planets, consisting of the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Mars and Venus, moving quickly within the chart. Then there’s the outer planets, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus and Pluto, the slower moving planets. And of course, the different signs of the zodiac with different personalities. They follow the order beginning with Aries, then Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and finally Pisces.

Shaw's Placements

Sun ☉ The Sun represents our character, personal identity and ego. Your star sign is also known as your Sun sign. It is the “you”. The “Self”. It shows your creative force, confidence, focus and our will to live. It’s the driving force of our charts in many ways, like how it is centred in our solar system. It’s the part of us that is the “adult”, censoring the “inner child”, and overall provides information on our vitality, and what we came to do.

Shaw's Sun is in Gemini ♊︎ The air sign of Gemini is famous for their self-expression and communication. Geminis are witty, clever and flexible people. They can easily gain social contacts just as they can easily adapt in various situations and communicate through intellectual conversations. Geminis love to collect and share all sorts of information and are rather seen to be “geniuses”.

Although, they can be easily bored if they’re not getting enough mental stimulation. Geminis with their abilities to detach themselves make them excellent observers, but this can make them very difficult to be close to and be intimate with. People note them to be confusing and hard to understand, but this is because their mind is always active and switching from one topic to another (as they are represented by “the Twins”). Geminis enjoy seeing the “lighter” side of life, making them more fun and pleasing to be around. It’s guaranteed that there is never a dull moment when you’re with a Gemini!

Shaw holds a good representation as a Gemini. He always has a witty remark to say to MC, has a way with words, is shown by how he reacts to “fight or flight” situations, and stresses the usage of his favourite word, “bored”. Shaw, by having this placement of the Sun in Gemini also gives much strength to his Mercury (the planet of communication) which is also in Gemini (more on this later).

Shaw: “What do people usually do during dates?”

MC: “Uh, it’s usually eating, shopping and watching movies.”

Shaw: “That’s too boring, isn’t it? Since it’s a date with you, I’d like to get your feedback. What would you like to do?”

MC: “Nothing else.”

Shaw: “Then, what do you want to do?”

He thought for a couple of seconds and raised his eyebrows slowly, with a hint of glimmer of dark light in his eyes.

“You'll agree to anything that I do…?” -One Day Date

MC: “Why did you suddenly take an interest in reading?”

Shaw: “For the final exam.”

Despite his concentration, he flipped the pages with incredible speed- it seemed as if he didn't like what he read. -Summer Night Birthday Date

Shaw values all forms of communication and self-expression, whether it would be through music, writing, and teaching others about ancient relics. Additionally, it appears that he enjoys a range of hobbies, such as playing the bass, skateboarding and spray-painting, due to his interest in the wide variety of passions he developed. MC notices this on one of her earliest dates with him.

MC: “Hey, you seem to have a wide range of hobbies.” -One Day Date

Moon ☾ The Moon in our charts shows what your home is like, your upbringing, the relationship between your mother, the unconscious, your instincts and what you need. It tells us a lot about a person’s emotions, how they deal with it and how they express it to others.

Shaw's Moon is in Capricorn ♑︎ Productivity, work, and feeling useful and respected are the basic need for Lunar Caps. They like to keep their emotions in check, as they want to maintain being the cool-headed, practical and steady person of any group and in any project. Moon in Capricorn suggests that they have clear boundaries and realistic kinds of goals, looking for reassurance and security in what they do. They value and respect tradition and all things tangible and real. Moon Caps look forward to working towards their distant future goals, planning one step at a time. When feeling moody, their emotions will emphasise the pressure they had already put on themselves. Additionally, this is why letting their guard down to be comforted and to be reminded that they are not alone is very beneficial. Capricorns are unwilling to stand down, especially when it comes to emotionally “letting go”, hiding their sensitivity under a sarcastic manner. Wherever Capricorn is found in the chart, there is a desire for control, structure, and organisation. Emotions are well dealt with and handled in an efficient and practical manner.

There is a certain mysteriousness and sadness behind Shaw that can be subtly detected and yet to further explore deeply. This might have come from past trauma, possibly related to family relations. He has realistic expectations and justifications for his emotions, and when it comes to his goals, he will utilise these to help him slowly achieve them. Shaw is slowly letting his guard around MC, and gradually allowing him to love.

MC: “How can you draw so well?” I murmured quietly, envying his skills which require much talent.

Shaw: “Is it good? In a few months, it will fade into obscure and worthless trash."

He glanced at the wall with an undisguised contempt, as if it was not his own work that he was judging.

“It’s a failure.” He shook a spray can and started spraying it on the wall.

MC: “Wait! Why are you doing this?”

Shaw did not avert his eyes, and stood with his arms folded, refusing to give in.

Shaw: “But it's flawed now.” -One-Day Date

After a few seconds of silence, he frowned and put everything in his arms back on the table except for a can of coke. “Don’t act like you know me so well.” -Exciting Moments Date

Perhaps it was because I didn't believe that Shaw would appear so calm or so still, or because I wanted to explore why he looked so focused, I also looked at him in silence.

Shaw: “You really like to immerse yourself in your past.”

MC: “Find strength through the memories, then grow and become stronger.” I suddenly recalled a line from a TV series, and read it out.

A flicker of doubt flashed through his eyes, and eventually condensed into a dismissive look.

Shaw: “Who told you that we can only become stronger with memories?”

MC: “Why are you so dismissive?”

Speaking of which, what made Shaw so strong if it’s not finding strength from his “memory” or “past”?

Shaw: Why are you telling me this? Reminiscing every day means you’re getting old.”

-

Rain started to shower from the gloomy sky. I looked up, and found that the dark clouds were only above this small area of filming location. It was actually very sunny over at the antique market.

Fortunately, the rain was not heavy, and was even getting lighter as he predicted. He pulled at his hair, shaking off the scattering beads of rain. Such serenity did not match my impression of him, yet it was unexpectedly harmonious and natural.

MC: “Are you the rain god? Why does it always rain when I'm out with you?”

Shaw: “It’s because I can control the weather.”

At this point, the rain, which had stopped just a short while, suddenly fell again, but more densely. The smirk on his face was not gone yet. The rain seemed to be getting heavier. I felt more saddened as he spoke, yet Shaw just laughed. -Seeking Date

As a Capricorn Moon, his value and respect for tradition, and in all things tangible is very much obvious, and is highlighted with his display of knowledge about historic relics in Loveland’s museum shown in various dates, being the only student in the Department of Archeology of in Loveland University, as well in this scene from Season 2 that I couldn’t bear to leave out.

Mercury ☿ Mercury is the communication planet. When you write, speak, absorb information and how rational we are, you’re using your Mercury. It refines our Sun sign and helps define how we take in and give out information. It also talks about short distance travelling, governing your thirst for knowledge, your wit and negotiating skills. If someone is an excellent talker, it’s thanks to their Mercury placements.

Shaw's Mercury in Gemini ♊︎ Since Mercury is already ruled by Gemini, which makes it a favourable placement for quick-witted communication. Gemini Mercury placements may come across as being scattered and restless, but this is because of their different interests, seemingly knowing a little bit about everything. They easily gain knowledge where all sorts of facts and figures are up their alley, however generally have too many interests to deeply delve all into one. They can thrive in a stimulating environment as they are fast adapters who effortlessly learn and multitask at lightning speed.

This overlaps with Shaw’s Gemini Sun Placement. He may confuse MC sometimes with his personality and wit, but it’s nice to see MC adapt to it as well, because they have a lot to learn and grow from each other. He encourages MC to live life more boldly, while she teaches him to take things slower and be more aware of how his emotions and thoughts should work in harmony under special circumstances.

“He has no problem with the noise from rehearsals, and yet he can't stop criticising me for being noisy. He gets easily bored by things and yet he never gets tired on aimless strolls. Moreover, he always disagrees with me…” -Exciting Moment Date

MC: “Are you doing something illegal?”

Shaw: “What do you think?” Shaw looked at me playfully, and I could not help taking a step back vigilantly.

MC: “I'm a good law-abiding citizen and I won't be your accomplice!”

Shaw: “That's not up to you.”

-

MC: “Oh no! What should we do, what if we get caught!”

Shaw: “Nothing. Having a date at the police station should be a good experience.” -One-Day Date

Additionally, those reoccurring moments when he says that he had changed his mind also stems from the “twinning” aspect of Gemini in his thought process.

Shaw: “Give the cake and forks to me.”

MC: “Didn’t you say you didn’t want it?”

Shaw: “I changed my mind.” -Exciting Moments Date

Venus ♀︎ The planet Venus is ultimately the planet of love, beauty, wealth, our material things and what we do with all that sort of jazz. It’s the pleasures, our sentiments, what we do for leisure and what we value. Grace, charm, creativity, and entertainment are ruled by Venus. We can use this planet to see how we approach relationships of the heart, investigate our ability to attract and the attraction to others (or things).

Shaw's Venus is in Cancer ♋︎ These kinds of people are quite sensitive and insecure when it comes to love, with egos perhaps said to be a little bit undeveloped but have so much love, comfort, security, and care to offer. These aspects are emphasised for Cancers, who pay more attention to your feelings rather than said words. All they want is a safe, solid and secure relationship. They can be moody when it comes to love, though they are not afraid of emotional confrontations and to put their emotions on display when feeling it’s safe.

But once they are hurt, they will have a hard time forgiving. Pleasing them will involve a lot of sentimentality, as recognising their influences and attachments are from the family and home. When fearful of being rejected, they can resort to some frustrating tactics to find out how loved they are. Venus Cancers will want to be cared for, and in return their partner will be rewarded with a loving, dependable and patient lover.

Shaw puts up a front with his teasing and seemingly lack of interest to attend events with MC, though we can tell that he’s a very thoughtful and intuitive lover. Once he has allowed himself to internally address his feelings, he will use straightforward methods in how he communicates it to MC, again, strengthened by his Gemini placements. Additionally, Cancers will cling onto something or someone that is of value to them, because it evokes memories and emotions. In the same sense, if there is someone that Shaw has his eye on, he will inch closer to them, and will be unwilling to give them up once he has them.

I tried to reach out and pull him down while watching out for him, but he just took me by surprise and grabbed my hand instead. I quickly pressed down my skirt with the other hand. Probably realising something, his amber eyes widened slightly, then let go of me, with a low “tsk”. -Seeking Date

Shaw: “Why can’t you let that go?”

MC: Because I'm sick of you treating me like this. One time, you waited for me to get to the Live House to tell me that there was a change in venue, and there was also this one time when you- achoo!”

I pulled my jacket tighter around myself. Suddenly there was a rustle above my head and I found myself covered in a warm coat. Shaw stood up without a word as if he didn't hear me. Clad in a white shirt, he looked at once familiar and strange from behind.

Then I noticed his hand in the pocket. I was expecting him to conjure something for me like he did last time with the Dragonfly Eye. Before I could react, Shaw suddenly grabbed me by hand. With no gloves on, he tightly wrapped his slender fingers around my palm. I felt an unexpectedly soft and warm sensation.

MC: “Let go of me!”

Shaw: “No, I don’t want to.”

-

Shaw: “You've been asking questions about me all day. Do you really want to get to know me? Bring your ear closer. I can tell you all about myself.”

-Exciting Moments Date

His hand flew past my face and landed on the back of my head. With a slight jerk, he pulled me toward him. Our foreheads were then pressed together, and I felt the warmth of his forehead resting on mine, my breath on my skin, his unintentional touch, and his body pressed against mine. -Summer Night Birthday Date

“Do you like me? Yes or no?” -Unanswered Phone Call

Mars ♂︎ Mars is the go-getter planet. Full of fire and passion, nothing would be done without it. It can give insights on how we can chase our goals and what our desires and our plans of attack are. Aggressive behaviour, lust and anger fall under this planet.

Shaw's Mars is in Libra ♎︎ Mars Libras often reflect about the things they do before they act, needing to weigh out all the decisions first. They also can get easily caught up in defending themselves and others, as well as charming others to win others’ favour if needed. They wish to not be disturbed in their life or how they “operate”, going about with the desire to balance everything, with almost having a seemingly passive-aggressive approach to situations. Mars Libras know when to compromise and manage conflict, as well as predicting problems and discord well in advance. Libras will question themselves on how they can make the playing field more fair, intervening when necessary and when things aren’t. Shaw demonstrates this during his bus stop intervention when he first meets MC, on his dates with her, as well as his confrontation with Gavin.

“Don’t hesitate if you have already thought it through.”

-

MC: “What’s the matter?”

Shaw shrugged, lifted the corner of his lip, and looked at me, saying this firmly word by word.

Shaw: “Don’t forget that this is our punishment. Be a good loser.” -One-Day Date

“What are you laughing at? Stop it.” he reached out his hand, trying to mess up my hair. I quickly dodged backward and started laughing harder.

“Hey.”

A stunned look flashed Shaw’s eyes. Before he finished his sentence, I slipped and fell heavily backwards. He looked at me before a hint of schadenfreude appeared in his eyes. Then he said in a raised tone, “that's what you get for laughing too hard.”

He then sat down with me. I turned to him in confusion.

MC: “Why did you sit down when you’re supposed to help me up?”

Shaw: “Because I wanted to.” -Exciting Moments Date

Brutal gales whipped up gravel and rocked trees. A bolt of lightning split the sly, illuminating the two people locked in a standoff.

Gavin’s face was completely devoid of its former calm, and in its place was wrath. The man opposite Gavin squinted his eyes ever so slightly. He went wild with laughter, and an arrogant expression swept back over his face.

Shaw: “Well, we’re finally starting to get serious. It’s about time.”

Gavin: “I warned you! She’s off-limits.”

Shaw: “Are you threatening me?”

Gavin: “You aren’t worthy.”

The man lifted his eyebrow and slowed his speech purposefully.

Shaw: “Anyway, my objective has been reached. I don’t mind toying with you. But I don't know how long this girl you’re obsessed with has long to live...”

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Jupiter ♃ Jupiter is the largest planet, a gas giant, known to expand as the “benefactor” of our solar system. Everything it touches is basically blessed. It’s the good luck, confidence, joy, freedom and adventure that it gives to one’s being that it’s so well known for. Jupiter is where you seize your opportunities, take a leap of faith and count your blessings.

Shaw’s Jupiter is in Aquarius ���︎ Shaw attracts the most good fortune when he’s tolerant and fair, cooperative and inventive, being different from society’s norms and standards. He values technology, people and personal freedom the most, desiring to display his unique skills and talents. He is open to new methods and eccentric ways to progress. We see this as he’s willing to share his knowledge with others, shown in the CN Creative Date and Summer Solstice Date, and when Shaw offers a hand to help MC by making her alias “Mary Sue” to help her successfully break into STF in later chapters. He also shows her the electricity firework he makes with his Evol, which fascinates MC enough for her to reach out and touch it.

I looked at Shaw's on the other side of the wall. The flaunting design was imposing, as if it was about to jump out at me the next second. Then I looked at my grinning rabbit, which seemed to be the clumsy work of a child.

-

In the gold and purple pattern, “SHAW” could be faintly recognised while a grinning rabbit stood at the top of the world. They actually seemed… quite in harmony? -One-Day Date

MC: “Is that the same MP4 player you had on the bus?”

Shaw: “Yes, someone gifted it to me a long time ago.” Emboldened by his straightforwardness, I couldn't help but move slower. -Exciting Moments Date

Floating on his palm was a sizzling firework giving off dazzling sparks. I was stunned by the sight. I couldn’t believe that Evol could do that. I reached out to touch it, but Shaw stopped me.

“Are you out of your mind? It’s charged with electricity.” -Summer Night Birthday Date

Saturn ♄ Saturn is the planet of karma, restrictions, life lessons, hard facts and the challenges in life. It governs structure, our fears, work and self-discipline. Saturn is cold and calculating, however once the challenges and lessons Saturn have been mastered, great wisdom with great rewards can be obtained.

Shaw's Saturn is in Aries ♈︎ Aries Saturns are highly resourceful coming up with fresh ideas for our goals. They don’t like showing weakness and need to be careful when limiting themselves due to fear of failure or making a poor decision. They’re very self- reliant because they rarely ask for help. They need to be shown that not “being first” is okay.

It’s proven that Shaw has a competitive side to him, seen in the CN Summer Solstice Date and his Rumours and Secrets, where Shaw refuses to give up and ends up doing dolphin flips on his skateboard in a match against a senior and wins after his first loss. In Accompanying Date, he acknowledges his embarrassing moments when he got caught skipping class, then reflects on them. We also see this as he flees his battle with Gavin when he almost loses.

Shaw: "I just remember winning. Don’t people at ten years old want to get swept away, win against everyone, and leave them far behind?" -CN Summer Solstice Date

Shaw: "The fence of the school was disagreed with by the elementary students. Back then, my skills weren’t refined yet. I got discovered by a teacher when I fell from it." While reminiscing, Shaw pouts unhappily. -CN Accompanying Date

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Uranus ♅ Wherever Uranus is in the chart, it’s where we want to break free, where we want to do things our own way, when you don’t care what everyone else is doing or thinking about. It’s where we express our ideals on freedom, innovation and experience great epiphanies. We strive for independence with the influence of the Uranus character. As a result, we learn to rebel, break traditions and authority. It shakes things up from our past and into the modern future. It is often associated with unpredictability, chaos and anarchy.

Shaw's Uranus is in Aquarius ♒︎ These people are interested in innovating, changing and updating traditions related to technology, community and individuality. They see freedom through or in these areas, and are ready to rebel if needed. Aquarius Uranus people are open to new ideas and free thought.

Shaw is no stranger to the concept of rebellion. He sneaks into places he shouldn’t be in, spray-paints graffiti, and helps MC access top-secret information in STF. His comments on history further outlines the unique outlook that he challenges with traditional views.

I looked around nervously, remembering that last time, we were chased by city police for street graffiti.

Shaw: “Don’t you want to come? Hurry up.”

MC: “Do you just do anything you like? Do you abide by no rules?” -One-Day Date

Shaw: “What do you think history is?” Student: Those historical relics you told us about just then!”

- Student: “If everything is history, how does one learn it?” Shaw: “There’s no need for an intention. It’s everywhere.” -CN Summer Solstice Date

Neptune ♆ Neptune is the inspirational planet of dreams, inspirations, soulmates, enlightenment and sacrifice. It’s all about connection with the universe and the world around you, however can have the polar effect of deception and illusion, along with disappearances of sorts. It can also govern your music tastes and influence on how you can inspire others.

Shaw’s Neptune is in Capricorn ♑︎ With this placement, his idealistic world will be based around realism, morality, and responsibility. He has to believe in the ground foundations of realisability of his dreams- enough so that it usually has a realistic thread about them. General optimism and faith will be lacking if he’s not doing something that he is passionate about and finds inspiration in. However, he has the capacity to change his practical dreams into reality the most. His influences and contributions come from his connection with Dark/MC, again with Mars in Libra, and is seen as a guide and spectator, though less passive than a Time Observer. It’s also clear that Shaw cares a lot for his music and his band. He even recognises a plagiarised song in one of his Rumours and Secrets.

“Playing with the band is just a hobby, so Shaw rarely creates something from scratch. He must have hidden things he wanted to say in his music, but never mentioned it to anyone.” -Summer Night birthday Date

Shaw: "No wonder these people didn’t realise it, they copied an unpopular song from the 80s. You should also improve your musical literacy so you wouldn’t be confused by these things." -CN Glacier Navigation Rumours and Secrets

My phone started buzzing in my outer coat pocket. I took it out and saw an unfamiliar number. A few moments of hesitation, I answered it. An unfamiliar voice came from the other end.

“Long time, no see. I’m sure you’re trying to guess who I am right now.” There was something in his voice that gave me a sense of déjà vu.

MC: “May I ask, what this is about?”

“I can’t just call you for no reason? Everyone has already forgotten you. You are officially someone who shouldn’t exist in this world.

MC: “Impossible! Just who are you, anyway?”

“Go see for yourself. For instance, at the place where it all started.” -Chapter 19-1

Outside the floor to ceiling window, a tall man with light purple hair was looking at me in the eye, an unmistakable smile on his lips. Who is this person? He waved at me and strove in the diner.

“Oh, here you are.” He greeted me with such familiarity, a few loose strands of hair fell over his forehead, softening his sharp eyes. His actions were swift and sure, giving me no time to interrupt. His face seemed so familiar but I can’t remember where I’ve seen it before.

MC: “Who are you?”

Hearing this, the young man’s brow raised, and the look of amusement flashed over his eyes.

“You don’t remember? You bumped my skateboard.”

MC: “Oh! We met on the bus. But how is it that you remember me?”

He didn’t answer me straight away. He just observed my expression with great interest, seemingly enjoying watching my reaction.

“I’m the one who called you. It’s me. The dream world has no effect on me.”

Pluto ♇ Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld, and is not to be messed around with. It’s responsible for great destructible transformations and corresponds to the life, death and rebirth cycle. It’s the detoxing planet, for you to awaken and be reborn. It shows us where we can change the world, alongside right where we can go into the abyss of the cunning and controlling energies of Pluto. Its powers can be ever so subtle, however it can have the forces to trash you with the realisations of what you need to let go in order to transform. Think of it as the “healing crisis” moments that you can thank Pluto for.

Shaw's Pluto is in Sagittarius ♐︎ They take beliefs and philosophy of life very seriously, more than most. They believe deeply in personal freedom and expression, questioning ideologies in place. They often watch for a tendency to move from one project to another, perhaps due to inhuman expectations. They are motivated and driven by the vision of a better world, therefore their faith in humanity is strong.

Shaw helps MC multiple times when she is in need, additionally supporting her beliefs and vision to save the world and everyone in it, like when she first entered the Winter World and helped her rescue the kidnapped children against her battle with Leto in the Chapter 34. He even gives her his necklace- the Dragonfly Eye in the end of Season 1 and wishes her well once they meet again.

Shaw: “Oh yeah, the other you is really funny. Today, she saved someone on the street. Did you use to do stuff like that too?”

Dark MC: “I’m not like her. I don’t do meaningless things like that. Stick to the plan.”

Shaw: “Oh? I’d thought you’d like this scene. What are you planning to do, anyway?”

Dark MC: “Why of course, I’m going to accept my place as QUEEN.” -Behind the Curtain Chapter 5

MC: “Shaw, what are you doing here? Where’s Leto?”

Another thunder flashes, Shaw’s face was reflected clearly and I saw him lift his eyebrow slightly.

Shaw: “You are so slow. Did you bring the notebook? Keep it and give it to me later.”

MC: “You haven’t answered why you are here.”

Shaw: “And I thought you were starting to get smarter. None of us can stay out of it now. If I don’t intervene, this world is finished.”

I would love to see more about Shaw’s background character and his upbringing as to why he had appeared a bit defensive in some dates. Poor Shaw :( Hopefully this study allowed you all to gain a deeper understanding of Shaw and his character, and to why he’s important in the main storyline and other events alike.

[bellatrixobsessed1]

The Killing Cure (Part 24)

Salvatore is a surprisingly useful little creature. It seems to trouble him none to slink about and stalk around Donna’s home.  This time, Ethan is more than content to stand outside and wait. He will be doing much of the work when it is time to meet Karl. Admittedly it is rather boring to simply stand about in the cold. But it is infinitely better than trifling with those abhorrent dolls and whatever else might be lurking in the darker, lower corners of House Beneviento.

Ethan shivers, the frosty breeze seeping through his skin and into his very bones. He can’t help but think of the massive fireplace in Castle Dimitrescu. His mind betrays him further still with a memory of laying with the Lady herself. Of her warm skin and her soft embrace. He imagines being curled up with her in front of that fireplace basking in its heat… He shakes his head. He is mad at her and he has to hold himself to that. There is no room for domestic fantasies. Especially not when he has family matters to attend. Family matters that Dimitrescu had willfully hindered.

“I’ve got it.” The man looks pleased with himself as he holds out the third flask. The moonlight catches on its glass throwing a twinkling prism at the treeline.

“Good work, Salvatore.” Ethan whispers. “I hope that it wasn’t too much trouble.”

“None at all.” The man smiles. “Donna let me have it right away when I explained that Mother Miranda wanted me to watch all of them.”

“Th-then what took you so long!?” He sputters.

“Donna makes good tea. I don’t get to talk to her often.”

“I don’t have time to wait for you to have tea parties.” Ethan grumbles. He sighs when the fish man flinches and seems to shrink back. He rakes his fingers through his hairline and lets out a frustrated puff of air. “Okay, I didn’t mean to snap. Socializing is very important but I thought that we could do that at Karl’s place where I can talk more and you can see less dolls.”

At this Salvatore chuckles, “it isn’t the dolls that you need to worry about, it’s the hallucinations.”

“Hallucinations?” He pauses, “nevermind, explain it to me as we walk.”

Said trek through the forest had already been plenty unpleasant without listening to the fish man prattle on and on about deformed fetuses and grotesque imitations of his loved ones. Worse still, the cretin seemed to be rather delighted by these morbid monstrosities. For a few moments, the man didn’t seem so helplessly meek and pathetic. For a short while he could understand what Mother Miranda had seen in the beast. Of all of the repugnant things that this village has shown him, Salvatore Moreau has to be the most repulsive. If only he weren’t also the friendliest.

The Duke and his hearty banter are pleasant enough but he is too shrouded in mystery for Ethan to confidently call him a trustworthy man. It might be that he his annoyed by the man’s teasing and matchmaking attempts…

“And that is why I choose to stay on my own reservoir.” Salvatore concludes a topic that Ethan had realized had begun.

“Yeah, that’s fair enough.” Ethan replies and to his relief the other man grins at the validation. He sighs, likely he still has to endure a few hours of this, perhaps a few days. He can’t even see the distant outlines of Karl’s factory yet.

.oOo.

If he had known that the bastard was coming, Karl might have ensured that the route would have been more hospitable and easier to navigate. But Ethan Winters isn’t a bright man, couldn’t be fucked to ring before dropping in. And for his spontaneity he was awarded with the full Heisenberg experience! It was none dissatisfying to Karl, in fact it was quite reassuring to see that Ethan could hold his own. He likes to think that his traps and tricks are on par with Mother Miranda’s and if Ethan could weather them then he would make a superlative ally.

“Have a seat, Ethan. Wherever you can find.” Pushing up on his sunglasses he leans back in his chair and has a drag. “It’s a bit cluttered in here but, fuck, if you want a clean visit then you’ve got to warn a man that you’re coming by. Is it an American thing to come by unannounced?”  He slaps his hand upon the table and chuckles at his own joke.

“Uhh...some Americans do that I guess.”

“Well let’s get straight to the point then--Americans like things fast, right? You’re here because you’ve finally seen the light. You know that the screeching bird bitch has to go. And I take it that, since you didn’t come in guns blazing, that you know that I’m your best chance.”

“I...something like that.”

Karl rolls his eyes. “Don’t be shy now, I heard that you did a number on the super-sized bitch.”

He notices the man tense.

“You did get her out of the way, right?” He takes another drag and exhales. “Because we’ll have to take care of her if she’s not on our side.” His gaze flickers over to Salvatore. “No loose ends.”

“I’m not a loose end.” Salvatore squeaks.

“Aren’t you? I’d wager that your devotion to Mother Miranda might be even deeper than the super-sized bitch’s.”

“He’s on our side.” Ethan says firmly. “He already helped me get a flask from Donna.”

“And the head flask?”

“Alcina gave that one to me.”

“Aw shit, Ethan.” He quickly rubs his thumb and pointer over his lips. “So you haven’t put that bitch down.”  He rises from his chair and wanders over to his hammer. “No matter, we’ll take care of that easily. She’s only human, right?”

Ethan rubs his hands over his face. “Actually she’s done more to help me than Salvatore.” He clears his throat, “no offense, Salvatore, you’re very useful too.” The little man grins, tiny sharp teeth glistening in his maw.

“Then where is she now?”

“She said that if you saw her you wouldn’t be as...willing to talk.”

Karl shrugs, the man isn’t wrong. “You're an idiot to think that she won’t double cross you.” He trusts the bitch only as far as he can throw her in her largest form.

“She won’t.”

“You don’t sound too certain of that.” At these words Ethan seems to cringe.

“Listen, it’s complicated. You said that you wanted to get to the point so let’s get to it; I want to take Mother Miranda down, you want to take her down, and so does Alcina…”

“And Salvatore!” The fish puts in.

“Are you in or not?”

Karl strokes at his mustache and works a muscle in his lips. Truly he does resent the idea of working with Dimitrescu, resents it more than anything. More than anything but being stuck under the command of the bird bitch. “Well shit, Winters, how can I say no to a face like yours?”

.oOo.

She wakes up groggy, and with her head pounding. This is more or less a routine when the Duke isn’t  around to distract her. Her girls must be terribly frustrated with her; they’ve been carrying her to bed for the past several nights and she is more or less dead weight to have to drag up a flight of stairs.

This time it is terribly early. Early enough that the stars are still twinkling brightly outside her window. Alcina has, perhaps, a few moments of peace before sensations slam into her without mercy. It is those, now very familiar, sharp pangs in her belly. This time they are debilitatingly unbearable. As soon as she rises from her mattress she is splayed back upon it. She has enough strength to curl up into a quivering little ball and tightly hug herself around the middle. The pain festers and branches out. Spreading so far and fast that she isn’t sure which  part of herself to cradle. Her aching chest, her cramping legs, her throbbing arms and head… The solution is rather apparent; it is easier to keep her hands where they are. It isn’t as though massaging or cradling does anything to alleviate the pain. To a degree, with the numbness and tingling in her arms, it only makes things worse.

She bites back a whimper and squeezes her eyes shut. She wills the feelings to pass. She needs them to pass. She needs to find the strength to get to her medications… Everything stings and jabs, she can’t find it in her to get up.

Stress. Drinking. Neglect. The three finally come together to topple her and she doesn’t have the strength to call for her daughters. She doesn’t want them to see her in such a prone state anyhow. Just why the hell did this have to happen on a night when The Duke wasn’t there to fetch her medication? How had she managed to forget to take it? She gives a bitter laugh, the empty bottle on her bedside is an answer in itself.

She wonders if this will be the night that she dies. She wonders what Ethan will do when he finds her stiff and cold. Wonders if he will feel pity and guilt or if he will sneer and find relief in her passing. And her girls...she imagines them looking on in horror and dismay. Perhaps mouths agape while one of them cradles her limp form in loving arms.

Alcina presses her head deeper into the pillow. Her beating head… She can’t think straight, not that she has had much clarity these days anyhow.

She lays there for an hour or so before things start to get strange. There is a haze in her mind, a foggy disconnect. And in it there is relief. She sees her hands, they are connected to her body but they don’t feel like they belong to her. And soon her body doesn’t feel like her own. It is easy to feel as though it isn’t because technically she doesn’t think that it is. She dosn’t think that it matters how much time passes, this body will never feel like hers. And maybe that is why it is so easy to let the disconnect overtake her. To let this sense of detachment carry her away…

She doesn’t remember much but she remembers how piercingly her chest and stomach ache. She remembers the first few tremors and the blurring of her vision. She remembers acknowledging that she is, aside from leaving her girls, perfectly fine with this. She remembers a cacophony of grating caws and the tapping of a beak at her window sill.

She realizes that she hasn’t called Mother in a while...

[marmarparadoxa]

It's because of recent tweets I saw but I know some are blaming the SC (esp the 104th) for not seeing Eren better during the 3 years they had and also for pushing many responsibilities onto his shoulder. I get why they see this as Eren's friends making a blunder but I can't help but disagree partly. (1)

On one side, their excitement and distraction came in the form of the outside world - something that seemed neigh impossible at the beginning of the series and once had been the 'end goal'. We know that's not it now. It seems logical that people like Armin and Hange will be distracted per say towards the new techs and innovations the outside world is offering. How the fruitful encounters they have w Marleyans making them hopeful (2) I understand where they're coming from, especially considering their disposition that tends to be optimistic and intelligent. Others like Jean, Connie, Sasha, and Mikasa can also be distracted by the new things too. It's something so human and highlights how even the close-knit group can make blunders. (3) I don't agree with people blaming SC for not noticing and their slow decision with Eren and the Yeagerists because that means they still care. They value their friendship with him and want to not mess him up more. Even from my perspective, there's a level of respect SC and military have for Eren for not just being the AT and FT but as a person/personnel. (4) It's so easy to 'coddle' Eren because as a reader, we are relatively relegated to a higher see/position to judge. But take it from the charas' views, it's just like real life to a point. They are faced with this time limit and the world going down on them while at the same time, they try to not cross too many moral lines. Especially for Hange who is responsible for many lives under her and Armin's 'kind' disposition. (5) What miffs me is that the people who side with Eren in this case doesn't tend into account that Eren almost never tries to reach out. While it's justified when we put his 'plan' into account, that just sounds selfish to be frank. Yes, he asks Mikasa about 'what he is to her' and he did try Armin's way once, but those are such minimal effort. Sometimes, they themselves need to reach out first and seek help more (6) That may sound cruel, but that's how it works unfortunately. I would be more lenient to Eren if he did more effort with sharing and trusting his friends but he doesn't - so of course, the SC is surprised and shocked and hurt at his actions. They don't know and it's unfair. Eren does this all because of what he saw and ironically is likely doing a self-fulfilling prophecy. He gives up hope and that's his downfall. (end)

Hi! :) Apologies for this late reply. You’ve already covered a lot, so I’ll try to add my two cents on what you’ve already pointed out.

In short, blaming the SC, especially the 104th, or Hange, for not seeing through Eren and not understanding what was going on with him doesn’t make sense to me. Because Eren didn’t allow them to do so, he didn’t allow them to see. During those three years between the battle of Shiganshina and their leaving for their trip to Marley, he kept on working with them, he never disrespected Hange, and almost always he acted and talked in accordance with what were their shared plans for the future. When Kiyomi proposed Zeke’s plan, of course they were all horrified, none of them wanted to proceed with it, and didn’t know what to do, but then, it was Eren who standed up and spoke against it. In front of everyone, Mikasa, Hange, Historia, and the rest of the assembly, he said he would never agree with Zeke’s plan and sacrifice Historia, that relying on the Rumbling would be too risky, and it was he who proposed to use the time they were left with to think about other options, that they should seek other ways. Not long after, he would say to the same persons which would end up risking their life in order to stop him, that they were more important to him than anyone else, and that he wanted them to live long lives. I brought up all this, so to clarify how Eren could be perceived by his friends, what was the picture that they could make out of his words and actions. On the other hand though, there were also some signs that something was off with him. When Armin and Mikasa were talking about the building of the port and them getting along with the captured Marleyans, Eren couldn't be as hopeful as them, and his attitude was sharp and emotionally detached. Then, unlike all others, he wasn’t there to taste Niccolo’s cooking, and we didn’t see him interact with any Marleyans - he was the only one that was missing when they were talking with Onyankopon, and in all those little, shared moments of peace and hope. So I think Eren, at that point, was already starting to isolate himself from the rest of them, shutting himself up, and maybe, as you also said, with all those new things to understand, with all the work and the building and the planning Hange, Armin, and the others too had to do, they weren’t able to notice this change, they didn’t pay much attention to it. But again, what could they infer from that? With respect to his words, to his resolute opposition to the use of the Rumbling and Zeke’s plan and Historia’s sacrifice, to his outward determination to find another way, those were subtle cues, that could reasonably pass unnoticed, and blaming the 104th for not acting upon them is rather pointless.

So this is where his friends’ remarks in the last episode come from: Jean: “Eren suddenly started getting along with Zeke’s plan”, Connie: “Did he look like Eren to you? I don’t think so.” and Armin and Mikasa’s disbelief and painful confusion. Eren methodically killing children and civilians, Eren getting along with Zeke’s plan was nothing like the Eren they used to know, even in those last years.

And Eren never shared with his friends, or with Hange, and not even with Armin or Mikasa, what he saw in those future memories. He kept everything inside, he trusted no one with that knowledge, ruling out the possibility that anyone could help him understand what was the nature of those memories (was it all bound to happen? Could it be avoided?), and try to figure out a solution, so as to prevent that catastrophe. Maybe, initially, he still believed that they could have avoided that, but more and more, he felt like they were running out of time, and that future he saw increasingly assumed a character of concreteness and unavoidability.  I was also talking with @oldsummerdream the other day about Eren, and Sushi reminded me of this Isayama’s interview, where it says that, as his prior beliefs were gradually getting destroyed, Eren more and more would act upon a principle of self-preservation (”How about just conserving myself?”). So perhaps, also indulging in those seething feelings of disappointment, anger, and the imperative to preserve himself , that future became a necessity in Eren’s mind, something that Eren eventually stopped fighting against, and adopted as his own will. 

And it was him who eventually decided to act alone, not consulting anybody else. The SC, his friends, never put that responsibility on him, they never required from him to save Paradis alone. Eren could have been the wielder of that power of the Founding Titan, a power which could decide the fate of them all, but, under their commander’s guidance, they were all working together in order to find a solution, a way to peace. As Hange said, they were ready to think stuff through and feel frustrated along with him, so Eren wouldn’t have been left alone. He just decided to do so, building an impenetrable wall around him, and once he settled himself on that irreversible path, he then proceeded to push away the people which cared about him more than anyone else - Armin and Mikasa.

Maybe, when that night in Marley he asked Mikasa what he was to her, he was still wavering, maybe, there was still the tiniest possibility left inside him to not succumb to that darkness; maybe, if Mikasa would have chosen another answer, things would have been different. The other possibility though, is that Eren, at that point, already knew what he was going to do, and that’s why he was already apologizing to Ramzi, and crying - because he had already given up all hope. So perhaps, he just wanted to know, before leaving them, before entering that road, he wanted to ask that question to Mikasa, because he knew that it would have been his last time with her, his last chance to know (and months later, he’d be still wondering about that, and asking for his brother’s opinion). But I’m not sure about it, and at this point, we’ll never know.

[justalittlelemony]

so I have been thinking about the "you have thicker skin than me" from Tommy's stream yesterday, basically non-stop.

and this line is interesting for a variety of reasons, but the question I'm currently focused on is:

why does c!Tommy think this?

obviously, we as the audience have more information than c!Tommy does, so I will try to keep that in mind, but it just feels like there's a bit more to it than just "c!Tubbo doesn't tell anyone about his issues, so no one knows."

one of the things I keep seeing brought up in relation to Tubbo's reaction to trauma is that going forward, he tries to use his own traumatic experiences to make better decisions very soon after the traumatic event, to the point that he will often overcorrect. examples that come to mind are: - at the beginning of his presidency after November 16th, trying to prevent war and the destruction of L'manberg at any cost, to the point that he barely argued with Dream's demands, despite them being, at points, very severe for the crime Tommy committed - being so afraid to be seen as a dictator or "like Schlatt" that he let himself be pushed around by his cabinet and Dream - coming up with a complicated descriptor for Snowchester when the Syndicate visited so that Technoblade wouldn't think it was a government and destroy it just like L'manberg - after the absolute destruction of L'manberg during Doomsday, developing the nukes as a "deterrent" to anyone who might want to hurt him or destroy Snowchester

Tubbo is a very logical person, so it makes sense that this would be his reaction. especially in comparison to c!Tommy, c!Tubbo can look at a situation with a mostly detached perspective and determine what the "right" answer is, even if that answer hurts himself or others. I think this dynamic is best illustrated in the Disc War Finale when Tubbo and Tommy are saying their goodbyes in the bunker.

note: I transcribed this a while ago and I didn't check it when I copied it for this analysis, so there might be a few mistakes. if my memory serves me correctly, this is just the raw dialogue without any repetition or overlapping. if you see something glaringly wrong, feel free to tell me, but I think this will work fine for the point I'm trying to make.

TOMMY: He's not gonna kill you. He's not gonna fucking kill you. He needs me. You've seen him deceive everyone, Tubbo. You know he's not gonna kill us. I tell you what we do. We make a break for the portal, we can run all the way back to my, I have the secret portal on the exile base. If we run to- TUBBO: Uh, we will be dead before we get to the portal. Too much of a distance. It's alright, we had some laughs. It, it was fun while it lasted. TOMMY: Why have you just accepted it? Don't just accept it now! TUBBO: We've been backed into a corner. TOMMY: Tubbo, we never just accept defeat, alright? We don't just accept this shit, man! TUBBO: There is nowhere to go under, we can't go up, we'll be dead before we get to the portal, we don't have pickaxes. Yeah, it's over. We had some laughs. It was fun, y'know? All good things must come to an end eventually. I didn't think that this would be my coming to an end if you will. TOMMY: Tubbo, what am I without you? TUBBO: Yourself. TOMMY: So, you really- Are you accepting this? Are you gonna be okay? TUBBO: Yeah, it's, it's alright. It's alright. Hey? We said our goodbyes already at the start. TOMMY: Yeah, but we were optimistic. This isn't what- TUBBO: Well, y'know, you get backed into a corner. He described me as a pawn? This is checkmate. This is it. This is the end. I suggest you resign. TOMMY: Tubbo, even though for this entire server, I have always regarded you as my sidekick. Really, Tubbo, I was your sidekick. Please don't go. Please don't go. TUBBO: No, it's fine. TOMMY: No, no, no. TUBBO: It's about time anyway.

Tommy starts the conversation quickly, almost tripping over his words as he tries to come up with a plan. in contrast, Tubbo is very calm and methodically lays out all of the ways they cannot escape. even when he comes the closest to expressing his feelings about the situation, it almost seems like he's trying to reassure Tommy more than anything. it's Tommy that is more concerned with Tubbo's feelings on his own seemingly inevitable death, asking "are you gonna be okay?"

c!Tommy reacts emotionally, while c!Tubbo reacts logically. this isn't any new information.

the reason I bring this up is that the goal of Tommy's lore stream yesterday was to, for lack of a better term, "get over" his trauma. he kept expressing how he doesn't have enough time and that he needs to be prepared (which, side note, dear god I live in so much fear for Thurs/Fri). Tommy knows how he reacts to reminders of his trauma. he has mentioned getting "panicky" and his "head getting all spinny." the one he notes during the stream was that he can't take damage without getting scared. Tommy knows that Dream will take any chance to use his trauma against him.

so when Tommy sees Tubbo brush off his past trauma and works towards preventing them from ever happening again, Tommy doesn't see someone who is repressing his own feelings and pretending that he is fine. he sees Tubbo being productive and not letting that trauma get to him in the same way it gets to Tommy.

he thinks he has thicker skin.

[rainbowcarousels]

I don't know how interesting this is going to be but I started to answer a comment on the latest JBSWM from @zanahoriabaila and realised I actually kind of want to talk more depth about the subject so I'm going to post it up here. Between talking a little about Genesis especially on twitter and briefly talking a couple of chapters ago about Sephiroth, it's kind of all been ruminating into something meta that borders on a directors commentary.

Again, how come your Genesis always spews all the stuff I think?

This is absolutely something I do with my version of Genesis on the regular and there's a few different reasons why he’s my character of choice for uncomfortable examinations of stuff.

 Cut for discussion of fic, canon, trauma and interrelationships with everyone!

The first reason is the Eve symbolism that comes with Genesis as a character. There's a decent bit of it with Genesis (much like Aerith) when you consider his name, his limit break, his carrying around of the forbidden fruit and the look of the Goddess statue and in CC canon, he is the first person to tell Sephiroth about what Jenova is. As such, giving a lot of the harder hitting commentary to Genesis feels natural because he is good at weaponising knowledge.

It also makes more sense out of AGS to give it to him because of each of their interactions with how knowledge effects them. The revelation of the Jenova Project in general (I hope!) illustrated this pretty well in that Angeal takes in knowledge and then thinks about what he should say or do or feel about it and it impacts it greatly. Sephiroth takes in the knowledge and tries to analyse and categorise because exploring how he feels emotionally about something is really difficult for him and unless it's pertinent, he just doesn't address it in terms of how to feel about it. Genesis in contrast to both goes instantly to what he is feeling in the moment and it fuels his decisions and choices.

Angeal's issue comes when what he should feel and what he does feel are so at odds that he can't reasonably justify how he feels and he's been going through a lot of that since he doesn't want to think ill of his mother, he does not want to consider that his father might have lied to him and he absolutely does not want to think about Hollander at all. His sense of honour is wrapped up in family, in the idea that he pulled himself up to get where he is with hard work and determination and that he does make a positive difference and he's just...completely lost right now emotionally because he can't reconcile his feelings with what he thinks he should feel.

Sephiroth's comes when something is emotive and he can't pick it apart and make sense of it through physical and observable changes. I think this probably comes from spending his childhood as a lab specimen so he knows how to report things that are observable and that emotions are too subjective so he doesn't include them. Then getting thrust into war, he also learns to describe himself by a physical status report. Zack gives him one based on how he is physically because he knows this is how Sephiroth is. The problem for him and the reason he is as noted by the same comment so detached is because he just doesn't really process anything emotional in any significant way, which is why as noted in one of my much earlier chapters, he struggles with saying 'I love you' because it's pure emotion and he tries to show it in his own way instead.  

Then you have Genesis who runs on his emotions and experiences like they're fuel. There's a throwaway line in Don't You Know My Name about how Genesis doesn't so much like or dislike things as he dismisses or obsesses over them and because of that, he has the nastiest tunnel vision and comes across as self centred. He likes to write his own narrative in a way that makes sense to him based on what information he has and how he feels about it. There's a line in the song from JBSWM's title song that says 'judgment made can never bend' and I think this is part of Genesis struggling more with Zack's inclusion into their relationship with Cloud because he formed his own opinions on Cloud and Zack is Angeal's little puppy he's been hearing about for years. It's hard to shift perspectives for him.

Zack and Cloud have their own relationships with truth and feelings but Gast is history for AGS. So onto Gast, because that the subject being discussed in the chapter. It's not something new, if I go by my own timeline, Genesis and Angeal have known since they were 15 about a decent chunk of what happened as Sephiroth's background and Angeal comes down hard on the 'respect what Sephiroth feels even if it's not entirely accurate because it's important to him' side and Genesis comes down on the 'This was bullshit and Sephiroth needs to know it was bullshit regardless of how attached he is to the memory of Gast because he needs to deal with it'.

Zack and Cloud are just forming their opinions and it'll happen over a few chapters, but Zack is far more emotion based but he also has rose coloured glasses and if there is an upside, he will find it. Cloud, growing up feeling angry and isolated and idolising Sephiroth, kind of has a similar way of coping as him in that he has this idea he can't be openly emotional or vulnerable because he'll get hurt but he also isn't about to pull any punches either. It should make for interesting interaction hopefully.

I think Sephiroth is more knowledgeable than he realises in that he quickly guesses from Genesis being willing to share that they are in the 'experimented on parents' club that this is colouring some of his interaction here. He backs down earlier when the subject comes up, not because he thinks he's wrong but he's not pushing that hard because as much as it comes from a place where he's sad and angry that this terrible thing happened to someone he loves, he can rationalise backing down because his feelings are second hand. Except now they're not. While Angeal and Sephiroth can look at their parents to some degree and assign some kind of blame (and Cloud can from being victimised), he can't because he doesn't know who his parents are or what the circumstances were but Gast was the head of the department when this crap went down so he is a prime target for someone to be furious at.  

These guys spent their teenage years building coping mechanisms based on battlefield experience, it's probably not a surprise Sephiroth is practical and tries to funnel it into something productive, Angeal tries to find the honourable method of dealing with it in the way he's supposed to and Genesis just wants someone, anyone appropriate to unleash all of that emotion on. I'd also argue that Zack tries to apply it to being the best hero he can be even though he was doing a lot of pretty unhero-like things and Cloud was cannon fodder, it's no surprise his sense of worth is in the toilet and he can't really grasp the idea of being special.

Someone described JBSWM as five broken people trying to make each other whole and I don't think it's exactly right, but it is close. It's five people trying to figure out a way to live with a shit ton of trauma and a lot of it is trauma they're complicit in which is really difficult to work through given all time and resources let alone trying to deal with Shinra at the same time. 

This kind of brings me back to why Genesis is often the pushing person in the relationship and why he's not always right to do it.

As horrible as the Project G revelations are, it's not the same as growing up in the way Sephiroth (and in some ways, Aerith) did and he has the coping mechanisms he has for good reasons. He needs to have this idea of Gast as this good person who tried to be good to him but died because the alternative is Gast wandered off the moment he wasn't as interesting anymore and left him (in JBSWM's timeline at around the age of 4) to try and survive it by himself. He's already lost this perfect idea of a mother by having the 'L' put there and all SOLDIERs having JENOVA on their files and he's kind of desperately clinging onto something good because he hasn't really thought about what a lot of it would look like to someone coming in now until Cloud started to ask about it and had enough first hand experience to know it was really messed up. He can justify it as Gast was the better scientist, the better man, the better influence for him but if you start taking that away, it puts him in the position of being victimised and abused and that's all there is and I don't think he knows how to even begin to process that. As @aimeelouart pointed out, if he thinks about it or talks about it with any perspective, he would have to acknowledge he is traumatised and a large part of his identity has been built on his own invincibility. How can he be traumatised if that’s so?

The flipside of it being that I don't think any of them understood fully in a conscious way what happened with Sephiroth’s childhood until they saw it up close and personal with Cloud and even if it's coming from Genesis (dude is loud), Angeal is also pissed off and furious that it's just as bad as they thought it might be but could never be sure because they've only ever seen the aftermath and he does not talk about it. Zack got it all in one, he heard about it and saw it and is trying to deal with that but for Genesis and Angeal, it's festered for a decade and since no one save for maybe Zack has ever met a single healthy coping mechanism, it goes out as Angeal being cautious and letting Sephiroth set his own pace and Genesis going no, this is important, you have to confront this because if it hurts them from just caring about him and realising how bad it was, if Sephiroth some day realises how awful it was, he's going to just...shatter or explode and they'll lose him and even if he struggles to express it sometimes, he does love him dearly and like with Cloud, he wants him to figure out what will make him happy and it doesn’t seem like he’ll feel happy until he can stop blocking out what he’s feeling on instinct as some leftover coping mechanism. Cloud having to deal with his own lab trauma just brings it to the forefront and Genesis is not wasting the opportunity.

The thing is I don't think he's wrong about it because I think Alien Demi-god Sephiroth and Sane Sephiroth are two sides of the exact same person. There's hints of it here and there, but I think one of the biggest ones is he's very possessive and it took Hojo crossing the line and almost killing Cloud when he was beginning to grow attached to him to get him to move out of his holding pattern. In a way, this can also be traced all the way back to Gast and the idea of his mother because it's this almost childlike view that when he's attached to someone, they leave and it hurts so the obvious answer is make it so they can't leave or in the case of canon, try to push them to come back. I genuinely do not think Jenova knew what they were getting themselves into with him because they were like 'hey I could be your mom' and got absolutely swallowed by someone who was hurting, desperate for connection and just So Fucking Done with all of it until his will overrode theirs and he was never, ever going to be alone again because the entire planet would be reborn as part of him. 

Not the direction I'm going with JBSWM, they have some things they need to work on with each other but they are together and leaving Shinra was as close to a statement of commitment as you can get. With Midgar behind them and a chunk of their identity and dreams left with it, trying to face those uncomfortable truths will be hard for everyone and as much as Genesis puts it out there, he’ll struggle with his own too because if they have to deal with their shit, so does he.