#which like the way y’all treat her partners is a whole other thing but seriously shut the fuck up

[taylorswiftdebut]

y’all love to be “girls supporting girls” but only if the girl you’re supporting is taylor swift and by supporting you actually mean dragging every other woman in her orbit down and then switch your tune when it’s convenient for you

[leslie-lyman]

Stranger At My Gate - Chapter 7 (Pero Tovar x modern!OFC)

A time-traveling Pero. A modern woman trying her best. A kitchen full of possibility. A helping of Midwest kindness. A dash of magic. And a lot of Christmas spirit.

pairing: Pero Tovar x modern!OFC

rating: E 🚨 [18+ ONLY, minors DNI]

warnings: hoo boy. fingering; oral (m & f receiving); cum eating; a little sorta hint of D/s dynamics (dom!Pero/sub!Tessa), but also both of them are switches; I don’t care that he’s from a thousand years ago Pero Tovar is a Consent King; a whole lot of teasing; a whole lot of tickling/tickle kink (I think? Is that a thing? Oh god don’t look at me)

word count: 4.2k

a/n: Hi everyone! An extra special thank you/forehead kiss to all who let me know how much they liked the last chapter - seriously, the relief I felt over the response y’all had was immense and I appreciate it so, so much. So here’s some more sexy times, as a treat! (I may or may not have had the bulk of this chapter written MONTHS ago and there may or may not be a small part of me that constructed the entirety of the rest of this fic just so I could get to this part and share it with y’all…) I also tried to weave some plot into this chapter but Tessa and Pero seem determined to ignore the plot for the moment so I decided to ignore it too. Also we are deviating from my usual mediocre moodboard at the top here because there is a moment in this chapter in which Pero makes that exact expression at Tessa (see if you can figure out when it is 😉).

One more thing! If you have not already seen this SAMG artwork that I commissioned from @shite-art, PLEASE go have a look at the incredible job Maia did with bringing my babies to life!!!

Previous chapter.

Masterlist.

———

Seven.

They really should talk about…this.

But they haven’t. Yet.

Tessa means too, she really does. But every time she thinks about it her mind inevitably drifts instead to how amazing Pero makes her feel when they fuck, how good he feels over her, under her, around her, inside her -

Talking about it means confronting both their feelings and the looming deadline on Pero’s time here, and Tessa isn’t sure what to do or say about either.

She doubts Pero can be relied on to start that conversation. He’s no more or less talkative now than he was before they started having sex; he’s not terribly good at asking for what he wants from her, but now that she’s made clear that she welcomes his attentions, he doesn’t hesitate to show her what he wants.

Tessa barely gets any work done over the next few days, the two of them hungry and wild for each other in the insatiable way new partners often are. It’s how Tessa finds herself in Pero’s lap after lunch one day, riding his cock with the aid of his strong, massive hands on her thighs as he sucks bruises across the tops of her breasts. It’s how they’re woken up in the middle of the night by one of them grinding against the other in their sleep, neither being sure who started it but only caring how they finish it, in a sweaty, breathless tangle of limbs between Tessa’s sheets and both of their come drying between their legs.

Tessa hasn’t said anything to her family, but she suspects they all know by now, given the texts from Moira she’d received the morning after her and Pero’s first night in bed together. Tessa really should not have expected any less after her aunt’s machinations; there’s no way the nosy woman wouldn’t have made sure to see them kiss and then leave hastily together, and while Tessa can’t bring herself to be all that upset about Moira’s meddling given the result, she does regret teaching her aunt the naughty double meanings of certain emojis.

But owning up to her siblings and Moira about Pero are all additional conversations Tessa is determined not to have, at least for several days. They’ll inevitably ask her questions she can’t answer.

Just let me enjoy this, she begs the universe. For just a little while, let me not worry about anything else, let me just have this, this man who wants me, who likes me, who calls me angel and makes me come so hard I see stars.

It’s like living inside a delicate bubble, warm and cozy and ever so fragile, and neither Tessa nor Pero seems inclined to risk popping it.

Everything is different between them now, and nothing is.

Evenings still typically end with the two of them on the couch, a fire in the fireplace and something on the tv, but now they spend it cuddled together, Tessa curled underneath Pero’s arm, or with her head in his lap, or with him spooned up behind her.

A handful of nights into this new dynamic, Tessa ends up laying mostly on top of him on the couch, head turned to one side to face the tv.

“Not to bias you before you’ve seen it,” she whispers to him before hitting play, “but this is my favorite movie of all time.”

Pero grunts noncommittally in response. He isn’t sure how he’s supposed to pay attention to the story being told on screen with Tessa snuggled into him like this, each soft curve of her body gently molded to his, the sweet scent of her hair right under his nose.

But the film draws him in more than he’d expected. It’s easy for him to follow, set mostly in a fictional kingdom and time period not that dissimilar from his own.

Tessa’s whole body trembles as she tries to suppress her laughter during a scene where two characters trade witty barbs over poisoned wine. She turns her face so her mouth is half-pressed into his chest. He can feel her smile and move her lips along with each line of dialogue and it has him far more enraptured than the movie.

“That is actually not bad advice,” he murmurs towards the end of the scene.

“What do you mean?”

“In my experience, land wars in Asia are indeed best to be avoided.”

It takes Tessa a moment to process what he’s said, but then she fully buries her face into his chest and positively shakes with laughter. When she can breathe again, she tilts her head up to look at him, eyes bright with a mirth he put there, and the knowledge floods Pero with an odd, electric kind of warmth he’s never known before.

———

“So?” She asks when the credits start to play. “What did you think?”

Pero hums, considering.

“An entertaining tale, though obviously leaving the prince alive at the end was a mistake.”

He can feel Tessa roll her eyes and his lips quirk up. She turns the tv off and settles back down on his chest.

“Sometimes a story doesn’t have to tie up all the loose ends, Pero. Sometimes a story will just end with the assertion that they all lived happily ever after, and you just choose to believe that that’s true.”

Pero idly runs his hands gently along her back, tracing over each notch in her spine with his thumb.

“That can be a comforting thought, I suppose,” he says.

“Mhm,” she replies, growing relaxed and sleepy under his touch.

Pero slowly slides one hand under the fabric of her shirt, wanting to feel her soft, warm skin against his palm. He drags his hand up and over the dip of her waist, then trails his fingertips back down her side -

And suddenly Tessa squeaks, her whole torso jerking away from him. Pero stops instantly.

“Tessa? Are you alright?”

She nods.

“Yeah, sorry,” she says, her voice breathy and higher pitched than usual. “I just, I wasn’t expecting -”

“Is it possible,” Pero replies, a devilish little smile carving across his features as understanding dawns, “that you are ticklish, angel?”

Tessa freezes atop him, holding herself perfectly still. Her answer takes a beat too long to come to be the truth.

“No.”

“No?” Pero shifts his hand a fraction of an inch, a little test, but it’s enough. Tessa scrambles to get away from him but she’s too slow. In the blink of an eye he reverses their positions, easily flipping her underneath him on the couch, straddling her hips to hold her down.

“Pero, don’t you dare -” she shrieks, wriggling beneath him in a way that has his cock, half-hard since she cuddled into him at the start of the movie, rapidly swelling.

“Easy, angel,” he says, capturing her wrists and bending down to nip at her throat in reprimand. “If you’re not ticklish, prove it.”

She huffs at him, clearly preparing another indignant retort, but stops when she notices his eyes blown black with desire. There’s a smug wickedness written all over his face, and she swallows, considering what he might have in mind, then whispers, “Okay.”

Pero’s smirk is positively feral. He pulls her shirt slowly up and off, revealing her naked chest to his gaze, then takes her hands and positions them so she’s holding onto the couch arm above her head.

“These stay here.” He presses down on her wrists for emphasis. “Or you don’t get to come. Understood?”

Tessa nods. Pero catches her chin between his thumb and forefinger.

“Tell me you understand, angel.”

“I understand, Pero.”

His cock twitches at the sight of her, bare from the waist up, spread out beneath him, the picture of submission. He starts by splaying one hand over her tummy, reaching his fingers as wide as they will go, just to see how much of her he can cover.

Then he gently places just the pads of his fingers along her sides. He moves slowly, telegraphing what he’s going to do before he does it. He doesn’t want to startle her; that is not the goal of his game.

He hears her inhale, feels her tense underneath him.

“Not ticklish you say, angel? Are you sure?” She nods, a tiny mhm escaping her lips.

“Not even here?” One by one, he lifts each finger and walks them up and down her waist. She quivers underneath him, but shakes her head no.

“What about here?” He works his way up, tracing the underside of each breast, then running a fingertip up and over each of her stiff, pointed nipples. Goosebumps follow wherever he touches her, but again, she shakes her head no.

“Hmm,” he hums, frowning in faux consternation. “Perhaps…here?”

Slowly, ever so slowly, he runs the backs of his fingernails up the outside of her breast and up into her armpit. Tessa shuts her eyes, biting down on her lower lip as she whines, her grip on the couch going white-knuckled.

“Shh,” Pero hushes her. “I know it’s a lot. Look at me.”

She blinks up at him, chest rising and falling in rapid, shallow breaths.

“There you are, angel. Should I check the other side, do you think? Just to make sure?” He ghosts his fingers up under her opposite arm and he can feel her breath stop, feel how hard she’s trying to keep still, to be good for him. He keeps going, all the way to her elbow, before retreating back the way he came.

“So far, angel, looks like you’re telling the truth,” he murmurs.

“Please,” Tessa whimpers. Pero stills.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asks, though he’s almost certain she does not.

“No.” She shifts her hips under him in protest of the very notion, arching her back to push her breasts closer to his face. The light from the dying fire and the dim glow of the tree lights near the window paint her skin in warm washes of orange and pink and blue, carving out places of shadow along her body and he’s determined to know every hidden inch of her.

“No,” she says again, “Pero, please, I need you to touch me.”

He trails his fingers down her sternum.

“But angel,” he coos, “I am touching you.”

A noise of frustration works its way out of her throat.

“Though I do admit,” he says, dragging a hand over her stomach to the waistband of her sleep pants, “there is much I have yet to explore, no?”

He moves back for just a moment and peels off her pants and underwear in one movement before gently parting her legs.

“Oh angel,” he breathes, eyes fixed on where her pussy glistens with arousal. “Look at you.”

A moment of indecision plays out across his face as he stares at her. He could end this little game right now, if he wanted. Stop the charade and have himself buried in Tessa’s tight, wet heat in a matter of moments. But he decides he’s enjoying the buildup too much. He gathers his wits, sitting up on his knees and bringing her right leg up to rest on his shoulder.

“Let me see,” he murmurs, watching Tessa’s eyes widen when she realizes what he’s about to do. He wraps one hand around her ankle, his grip firm but not so tight she could not break away from him if she wished.

“Are you ticklish…here?” His other hand softly skims along the arch of her foot. The motion draws an anguished moan from her. Without his weight to hold her down, her hips buck, leaving her writhing in the air just inches from where his aching cock tents the front of his pants.

But she shakes her head no, and doesn’t let go of the couch.

Pero chuckles, his hand traveling slowly up her leg.

“I don’t know if I believe you,” he tuts at her. He trails his hand up and around her calf, then traces tiny circles behind her knee.

“Pero, please,” she says again, lifting her hips once more as if to say look, please, can’t you see how much I want you?

“Patience, angel. I pride myself on being a thorough man.”

The lightest touch of his fingernails down the back of her thigh leave her trembling, but in response to his question of “here?” her answer is the same it’s always been.

“Well then, angel,” Pero says, leaning forward, “it looks like there’s only one place left to check. Are you ticklish…here?”

He brushes the tip of a single finger across her clit.

“Yes.” It comes out a sob, Tessa’s whole body arching off the couch.

“Oh?” Pero attempts to mock her, but his voice breaks on the single syllable. He drags his thumb through the wetness dripping from her folds and starts rubbing softly against the swollen bundle of nerves.

“I thought so, angel.”

He dips a finger into her, making a little satisfied sound when he slides in easily to the knuckle. She bucks into his hand, desperate for more.

“Pero, Pero, please -”

“What do you need?”

“Please,” she whines, “let me - let me touch you -”

“Come for me first,” he tells her, adding a second finger and increasing the pace of his thumb on her clit. “Come for me and I'll let you have anything you want.”

Tessa’s so worked up it takes no time at all to drive her right to the edge of her climax. He watches her pleasure break, every muscle going taut as her cunt flutters and pulses around his fingers.

When she’s come down from it he withdraws, taking a moment to trace the lips of her pussy in slow fascination, painting her in her own wetness. He pushes gently against her clit with slick fingertips and she flinches away, exhaling a little breathy ah at the overstimulation.

She lets go of the couch and sits up, pushing at his shirt and pants with shaky limbs until he’s as naked as she is. She leans forward, their positions and height difference allowing her to place open-mouthed kisses across his stomach while her hands trace the muscles in his back. His thick, hard cock brushes against her chin a few times, and Tessa pulls back slightly so she can wrap a hand around him and give him a few slow, teasing strokes. His eyes fall shut and she takes a moment to admire the length and heft of him, the way she can’t quite make her fingertips reach each other at the thickest part of his cock.

There’s a fat drop of precum gathered at the tip, and before she can overthink it she dips her head down and swipes her tongue across it.

Pero’s eyes fly open and he makes a sound like he’s been punched in the gut, his entire torso contracting in a flinch.

“Sorry, I - ”

“Did you just - ”

They stare at each other for a moment, then Tessa sits back, moving her hand to his knee.

“Sorry,” she says again. “I should have asked first if that was okay -”

“Do it again.” And even after all he’s already done to her tonight it must come out more commanding than he intends because he immediately softens it with, “please.”

And she almost does, she almost moves to obey him without another thought, but then Tessa decides he’s not the only one who can tease.

“Do…what, Pero? This?” She starts stroking him again, moving her hand lightly up and down his cock, neither her grip firm enough nor her pace fast enough to have any real hope of getting him off.

“No,” he growls at her, “you know what.”

“I do,” Tessa says sagely, finding immense pleasure in watching this broad, powerful man above her lose his mind a little. “I do know, but I need you to tell me.”

She squeezes him just a bit harder, and through clenched teeth he says,

“Please put your mouth on me again.”

Tessa grins and takes the entire tip of him into her mouth this time. Pero nearly shouts at the sensation as Tessa slowly starts to work her hand and mouth in tandem. Once she’s coated as much of him as she can in her spit she trails her lips up and down his shaft, teasing him with quick little kisses and kitten licks. He’s so tense and trying so hard to hold himself still she can practically hear the strain in his body.

She keeps up a steady rhythm with her hand and glances up at him. He’s squeezed his eyes shut again and almost looks like he’s in pain.

“Pero?” She calls softly, concerned.

He exhales a shaky breath and blinks down at her.

“You know you’re supposed to enjoy this, right?” She tells him, not unkindly. “If you aren’t, we can stop?”

“No.” He shakes his head sharply. “No, it’s not that, it’s just, I - mmm -” He loses his train of thought for a moment as Tessa rolls his foreskin up and over the tip of his cock and back again. “It’s just that -”

And even in the low light Tessa can see his skin flush and darken, his mouth pulling into a familiar scowl, and she’s pretty sure he’s…embarrassed? And there’s something in his tone that makes her wonder…

“Pero, has anyone ever done this for you before?”

She almost misses it, the minute jerk of his head no.

“It is not - it was not - commonly done. I’d heard stories, from men who would brag about women who would do such things, but only for a much higher price than I was ever willing to -”

He cuts himself off and won’t meet her eye. Tessa reaches up and grasps his arm, running her thumb back and forth over his bicep to try and soothe him.

“You don’t have to explain or justify anything to me, Pero,” she tells him, and it’s true. The admission that he’s paid for sex in the past neither surprises nor bothers her. Instead a shivery thrill runs through her at the thought that she could be the first person to ever do this with him.

“Do you want me to keep going? Do you want me to keep sucking your cock?” The innocent, questioning look on her face is at odds with her filthy words in a way she knows he likes. “Because I want that. I want to make you come with my mouth. Will you let me?”

Pero whimpers and his cock twitches in her hand. Barely has the word yes left his lips before Tessa leans forward to take as much of him in her mouth as she can. He brushes slightly trembling fingers over her cheek before sliding one hand into her hair, the other gripping the back of the couch to keep himself upright.

Tessa’s practically folded herself in half to do this and her quickly neck starts to hurt like a bitch but it’s more than worth it to feel Pero get closer and closer to his peak. She typically isn’t even a big fan of giving blowjobs, but she loves this, to be able to give Pero this experience, to see and feel and hear and taste this man come apart just from her hands and her mouth.

She digs one hand into the meat of his ass to urge him closer. Her nails leave little half-moon impressions and even though he hisses a bit at the pain Tessa feels him harden even further and she tucks that knowledge away to examine later.

“Tessa, angel, I - oh fuck - ”

The warm, salty taste of him fills her mouth and she hums in encouragement as she swallows it all. Pero shakes and sputters and when he’s spent Tessa drags her tongue in one final sweep up and over the tip of his cock before letting him go. She leans back and rests on her elbows, wiping her chin on her shoulder.

“You okay?” She has to bite back the urge to giggle at the slightly dumbfounded expression on Pero’s face.

In answer to her question he falls forward, catching himself with a hand on either side of her and crashing his mouth into hers. His kiss is rough and demanding but it also tastes like gratitude and trust and all the things Pero wants and feels and can’t find a way to say out loud.

Then he surprises her, shuffling himself down the couch and pulling her legs apart, his mouth mere inches from where she’s already starting to drip for him again. Tessa resists the urge to squirm away; Pero’s never given her any reason to feel self-conscious about her appearance - just the opposite, in fact. Still, he’s never had his face quite this close to her pussy before and she can’t help but be a little nervous about what he might think.

“I’ve heard tell of men who do this, too,” he says, “though it always seemed a far rarer thing than women pleasing men in such a way.”

“Still is,” Tessa mutters dryly.

“But I’ve thought about this,” he whispers against the skin of her thigh, his voice rough and cracked with the confession. “I’d always heard it spoken of as some wicked, forbidden thing, but every time I see your pretty cunt, angel, every time I feel how wet it gets for me, I can’t stop wondering - ” He closes his eyes, pressing his forehead against her leg, fighting against the internalized shame of admitting to such a desire, “I can’t stop wondering what you taste like.”

It’s a raw admission, and Tessa realizes she isn’t the only one who feels vulnerable right now. She cups his cheek in her palm, brushing gently over his scar.

“You’re welcome to find out,” she says, and there’s no humor or wit to it, only gentle permission, and he groans and tightens his grip on her thighs until it’s nearly painful.

“You will have to help guide me here, angel,” he warns, looking up at her with eyes grown dark and sharp with desire.

“I think I can do tha - fuck!”

Pero parts her folds with his thumbs and swipes his tongue in a broad stripe all the way up to her clit in a way that temporarily robs her of speech.

But after having him as her de facto sous chef in the kitchen lately it should be no surprise at all that he takes direction well, instantly responding to her breathy requests of a little higher up and you can go faster, that’s it and gimme your fingers too, please Pero, let me feel you inside me. What he lacks in experience and finesse he makes up for in eagerness to please. He grows bolder and more sure of himself as she drenches his face and fingers with more and more slick and her words eventually become limited to right there and oh god yes and don’t stop, Pero, don’t stop don’t stop -

He hitches one of her legs up higher over his shoulder and waits until she’s looking at him. Then he holds her gaze with a wry glint in his eye and gently runs his fingertips up and down the soft skin behind her knee.

It’s enough - the barely-there tickle along an erogenous zone, the rapid swipe of his tongue on her clit, and the stretch of his fingers inside her provide a combination of sensations Tessa hasn’t even realized she needs and her orgasm washes over her. Pero’s hand leaves her leg as he quickly slings his arm across her hips to hold her down as she comes with a wail, her release soaking him and dripping down his fingers. He doesn’t stop until he’s cleaned up every drop and she’s limply pushing him away.

He slowly makes his way back up her body, pausing to mouth at her breasts, laving at the damp, salty skin of her sternum.

Tessa nudges him further up so she can kiss him. It’s lazy and messy and slow, a soft brush of tongues and swollen lips and a sharing of tastes.

“So what do you think?” She asks, still a little out of breath.

“You will have to let me do that again sometime, angel,” he says, and Tessa lets out a weak laugh.

“Anytime you fucking want, Pero.”

He could go another round, his cock starting to harden against her thigh, but instead he gently settles most of his weight on her and silently revels in the feeling of her hands running idly up and down his back. She reaches up to comb her fingers through the curls at the base of his neck and it pulls a pleased rumble from deep in his chest.

They stay like that for a while, until at last the log on the fire has completely burned out and Tessa’s voice pulls him back from his half-asleep state.

“Pero?”

“Hm?”

“Let’s go to bed.”

He reluctantly disentangles himself from her and stands, bending down to gently scoop her up into his arms. She clings to his neck, nearly asleep herself, and he heads for her bedroom, whispering so softly into her ear he’s not sure she hears him,

“As you wish.”

Chapter 8.

———————————————————————

a/n: if you know what movie Tessa and Pero were watching, we are friends now. I don’t make the rules.

Also, a quick note about the end of this story: I know a lot of folks in their comments and reblogs have been anxious about the solstice deadline and whether Pero is going to stay or go and whether he and Tessa will have a happy ending or not. And every time I want so badly to say something in return about it, but I’ve been playing coy because I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone when they may not actually want to be spoiled, and also of course don’t want to prematurely give the endgame away regardless.

That being said! I personally avoid reading fics that have angsty, unresolved, or otherwise unhappy endings myself, so I get if some folks would actually like to know in advance how/if things work out. If that is the case, you can do one of two things: 1. Send me a DM and ask (I won’t give you details or anything, but I will give you the general vibes) or 2. Take a look at my masterlist. There is a pretty big clue in there as to the general nature of how this is story is going to end. 😉

[kinktae]

beyond the story: bitchin’

Hi friends! I hope you are all staying safe and healthy during these tough times! I really wanted to put something out there as a thank you to just how much support Bitchin’ got. You guys really are incredible. So, although this story has come to an end, I wanted to properly close the Bitchin’ chapter by giving you all a behind the scenes look at Bitchin’ and everything that went into writing it. This includes hidden easter eggs, backstories, alternative plot-lines, and a short drabble of the Bitchin’ cast 10 years after the story’s end.

Without further ado, please enjoy and thank you again for all your love. You have all of mine.

CHAPTER ONE – PARTNERS

Ah, yes, the start of this whole wild ride. I’ve always loved the whole nerd/popular person trope in fanfics, so it was only a matter of time before I tried my hand at it too. One thing I was adamant about was not making this a “popular person turns nerd hot/confident/better” fic as its kind of one of my least favorite cliches. With that in mind, and knowing that I was going to allude to TATBILB’s contract, I decided that I wanted Y/N to gain as much from the deal as Jungkook did. No blackmail, no just agreeing for the hell of it – Y/N was going to further herself and her dreams given the opportunity.

The beginning of the chapter is where the two are most separated and dissimilar throughout the whole story. It wasn’t that they were fundamentally different, it was that they approached life differently. Y/N was frustrated at how superficial Jungkook seemed, because she believes there is much more to life than just kicking your feet up and cracking jokes.

On the other hand, Jungkook didn’t understand why Y/N was so tense and on guard. To him, life was meant to enjoy and not take so seriously. Which makes sense, given that he grew up with minimal rules and minimal worries (bare minimum partners wassup !) 

“So, do we have a deal? Partners?” There was mischievous timber to his words, the kind that made you feel as if this would all later come back to bite you in the ass.

Pushing that pestering thought away, you took his hand into yours, holding his eyes as you gave it a firm shake.

“Partners.”

God, this bit. I knew from the minute I wrote it that I was writing the ending of bitchin’ along with it. I knew this was exactly how I was going to end this story, bc the word partners has multiple means right? In chapter 1, this meant business partners, but in the final chapter… it means life partners. Idk, I’m just still really happy with this writing decision :D

CHAPTER TWO – THE CONTRACT

Dearest Yara. We meet her in chapter two don’t we? Yara is completely based off of my irl best friend Yara who is a writer and who helped me A LOT with this story. She was my biggest supporter throughout figuring out this crazy plot. It was initially only about seven parts, but with her help I managed to bump it up to 10! Everybody say thank you Yaraaaa.

You were angry, that much was evident to her. Yara was sat in your shared dorm’s living room, a thick blanket engulfing her small frame. You briefly glanced towards the TV, it was tuned into MTV, the familiar music video of Every Breath You Take by The Police playing, before directing your glare back onto the copper-haired girl.

The song reference is a direct allusion to writer Yara’s fic, which is one of my favorite fics by her. She was actively writing it around the start of our friendship so it only felt right to pay respects to her. The introduction of her character felt necessary imo bc I wanted to make sure Y/N had a life outside Jungkook. Plus, I got to use the scenes between the two girls as a way to reference the music and culture scene. Yara is especially a fan of the powerful women in the music industry at the time, i.e., Madonna, Annie Lennox, Cyndi Laupner, etc.) Yara is a raging feminist and believer in sexual freedom and libery for women, we do in fact have to stan.

“How old do you think your sister is?”

“Hey, don’t sass me. For your information, Lyanna still has all her Care Bear tapes. She threw a hissy fit when my mom tried to give them away last Christmas.” Yara recalled.

Lyanna is one of writer Yara’s past pseudonyms. She always used to joke about how whenever she read it, it was confusing because there was Y/N, Yara and Lyanna, which were technically all her lolol.

FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE CONTRACT I INSERTED INTO THIS PICTURE… Twitter found it and made it into somewhat of a meme because no one knew it came from a fic rip. I was actually rly embarrassed and even wrote some posts about how much twitter scared me on my blog LMAO. but THEN weirdly enough, I actually stumbled upon a small community on twitter who actually found my fic and would TWEET ABOUT IT!!! LIKE REACTIONS TO EACH UPDATE!!! I wish I could go back in time and remember how giddy I was the first time I found a tweet about my fic. The fanfic community on twitter gave me a new love for the site (which I had previously had removed myself from because of its toxicity) and I have met so many wonderful people because of it. People even made themselves a little twitter group chat to talk about my fics, and now we are all friends! I miss posting a chapter of bitchin’ and refreshing my twitter feed as all my mutuals would post memes and live tweet their reactions. God that made me so fucking happy.

CHAPTER THREE – THE ROLLERSKATING DATE

I love the bickering in this chapter, because unlike the bickering in the first chapter, it’s actually less hostile and more playful. Y/N is slowly letting her guard down to the very persistently charming Jungkook.

“Woah. Family of six, huh? So you have siblings then.” He noted.

“Yep. Three.”

“Tell me about them.”

Looking up from where you were slipping on your second skate, you met Jungkook’s eyes, surprised to see genuine interest in them.

I actually originally had Y/N brush him off here. I was going to wait until the drunk party scene for Y/N to open up about her family and relationship with her sisters. But then I kind of thought to myself… Why? Y/N made peace with it and doesn’t hold onto those insecurities anymore. And objectively, Jungkook hasn’t proven himself to be a bad person so… I let Y/N open herself up to him.

“Then there’s the twins, Rosa and Lia.”

“Hold on. Twins? Wait… did they go to our high school?” Jungkook asked, his interest in this conversation doubled.

“Yep. They were two grades above us.” You confirmed.

“Oh shit, yeah, I remember your sisters, they were mad hot.” Jungkook let out a low whistle, before stiffening, flashing you an apologetic look. “Uh, in a totally non-meathead way.”

You offered the scared-looking boy a small smile, shaking your head.

Some of y’all notice but, Rosa and Lia are a blatant homage to my name: Roselia. ACTUALLY some form of my name can be found in every one of the rewind series fics, including upcoming ones. I’ll give a cookie to whoever can find every single mention hehe.

“I told you it was dumb.” You laughed nervously.

It wasn’t that you cared much about what Jungkook thought but you had a feeling a guy like him, who was popular and carefree, wouldn’t be able to sympathize in the way you would like him to.

“No, I’m just… surprised, that’s all.”

Jungkook certainly was surprised. You had built up quite the impression on him from the very moment you two met. It was hard to imagine that the girl who was so unapologetically herself was ever unsure or insecure.

Somehow, the idea tugged at his heart, as if he understood you more if only just a little.

From the get go, Jungkook was extremely drawn to just how confident and secure Y/N was in herself. I knew I wanted Y/N to be unapologetically sure of herself and in her abilities. Something I didn’t want, however, was for frat boy!jungkook’s only personality traits to be liking sex and being a cocky bastard (although I am a big consumer of that trope heh). Jungkook is actually canonly incredibly insecure. He lacks a real sense of self, which is why he is so desperate for Kiri back. His relationship with Kiri at that time was a big part of what he thought was himself. He has somewhat of low self esteem tbh which is why he’ll go back to a woman who treated him unfairly. That’s why he comes off the way he does in the first chapter and why Y/N thinks he has a big ego... he’s overcompensating. He finds it so endlessly fascinating that Y/N, in all her confident glory, was actually once super insecure. He admires her all the more once she opens up about her past.

“Oh, Rosa is an intern for our hometown’s newspaper but between you and me those assholes don’t even let her write. She does coffee and burger runs for men in charge. And Lia sells ice cream at the mall.”

“What about your brother?” Jungkook asked.

“He’s training to be a cop just like my dad.”

“And your mom?”

“She works at a convenience store.”

All their careers resemble people in the latest Stranger Things season (Nancy, Steve, Hopper, and Joyce). Fun Cameo there.

“What’s wrong?” You wondered, following his eyes.

“October 16th, 1985. 6:48PM.”

“Yes. That’s today’s date and time. What about it?” You pressed, growing confused.

“Remember it.” He warned.

“Why?”

“It’s when I fell in love with you.”

This iconic line I actually got from the real Jeon Jungkook himself. While Jungkook wasn’t actually in love with Y/N here, it certainly was a cute way for him to express his admiration for her.

OH HERE’S A FUN FACT: the hickey scene at the end of this chapter where JK and Y/N kiss for the first time was actually supposed to be Yara giving Y/N the hickey like the best friend she is. Ultimately I went with JK giving it for... smut purposes... ≖‿≖ 

CHAPTER FOUR – THE HALLOWEEN PARTY

The decision for Y/N to be Freddie Krueger came from me planning to be him for Halloween. And I was! JK as Glen Lantz just followed naturally. I’ve seen some great edits of him as the character. Truly chef’s kiss.

I really liked that Jungkook came over to the girl’s dorm to get ready. I didn’t want a scene where Y/N was thrown into a situation she was uncomfortable with which is how much Nerd At A Party Scene go so made sure Jungkook stayed by her side throughout the part, going out of his way to introducing her to the people he cared about.

Tae’s character came in when I realized I needed a way to actually put Y/N’s event in motion. He was the missing link and BOY did you guys eat his character right up huh. Love that for me.

Another thing, the confrontation with Kiri was so hard to write guys, I reeaaaally struggle with girl conflict. GIRLS SHOULD SUPPORT GIRLS. However, not everyone gets along in real life so I went with Kiri being more along the lines of petty rather than outwardly a cunt to Y/N. Realistically, Kiri is popular and well liked among the greek life so being unkind to someone she hardly knows wouldn’t make sense. There’s definitely tension between these two but I tried my best to steer away from the typical cat fight/revenge porn/public humiliation trope most movies seem to follow.

CHAPTER FIVE – THE FIRST TIME

Introduction to Erik!!!! It was really important to me that Y/N had a life before Jungkook. That's why I wrote in Y/N having a fiancé. She’s not opposed to love, she just has reshifted her focus. She knows what she wants and is choosing to focus on that, which why when she realizes she’s falling for Kookie she’s so hesitant to admit it because she’s fallen down that road before. Even though Jungkook treats her with respect and acknowledges the parts of her she’s most proud of, she just isn’t willing to possibly give up her passions for love. Which is why she doesn’t immediately confess to him, even once she’s sure she loves him.

“I’m serious, nerd. You’re like… um… the sun!” Jungkook marveled, eyes growing full as the realization dawned on him.

“The sun?” You laughed.

“Yeah, like… you’re this bright, beautiful thing that seems like it’s here in front of me but is really light-years away.”

Jungkook was drunk, and although you were sure he was making more sense in his head, you couldn’t help but feel your face grow hot, unsure of how to react to his drunk analogy.

“You’re the sun, Y/N. You make the world turn for you. Never orbit for anyone else.”

And suddenly, you were kissing him, for no other reason other than you wanted to and that it felt like the right thing to do.

No real commentary here. Just love this bit. It’s probably my favorite interaction between them two ‧⁺◟( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ ·̫ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ ) 

“Also… She’s, uh, currently dating Eunwoo.” You told Yara.

Your best friend blinked, silence falling over her.

“Yara?”

“Good for her.” She perked up almost forcibly. “Let her put up with his annoying ass.”

Yara could see the way your expression had turned dubious as if you didn’t believe her nonchalant act.

Yara turned up her nose defensively, “What?”

Ugh yes, some character development from Yara.... the flavor ! Yara (much like Y/N and JK) also struggles with love. She has a real fear of commitment and if far more comfortable with casual sex than relationships. She did develop actual feelings for Eunwoo, she just wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment so she cut him off. Fleed the scene if you will. Typical gemini smh my head.

"I don’t think the contract mentioned orgasms.” Jungkook smirked as you released his thumb.

“I say we let it slide.” You shrugged, leaning into him casually.

“You think?”

“Totally. Think of it as… a bonding activity.” You joked, resting your chin on his shoulder, peering up through your lashes.

“Damn, we’re really committed to this fake dating thing, huh.”

You laughed in the way that you hated, but Jungkook loved; it was loud and abrupt, but it genuine, and it was you.

“What can I say, I’m a method actor.” You sighed dramatically, causing Jungkook to grin before pressing a kiss to your nose, simply because he liked the way it always seemed to make you smile.

GOD THEY’RE SO WHIPPED FOR EACH OTHER ITS DISGUSTING!!!!!! I’m really happy I decided not to make sleeping together a big deal and I got a lot of feedback from you guys agreeing! I had a lot of fun with these two’s sex scenes knowing they could do it whenever they wanted.

CHAPTER SIX – THE STEM EVENT

I started the scene with smut BUT I wanted to point out that much of their time spent together is at Y/N dorm, Jungkook either napping, hanging out or doing work as Y/N would study like she always did. I liked the idea that Jungkook would get bored and would want attention from Y/N because she was so focused. Idk, I just wanted to write a love story about two people spending time together and figuring out how they fit in each other’s lives as opposed to some dramatic I mEeT HiM aNd mY LiFe bEcAmE cRaZy. There’s nothing wrong with that plot line, I just didn’t want that for these two dorks. I wanted Y/N to interact with JK’s scene and crowd but not give up her own which is why most days JK and her just lounged around in her dorm studying.

Also, I don’t know how the teacher/student roleplay made it into the smut, it just did, no further questions (ʃ⌣́_⌣́ƪ).

Then the event scene.

“You’re whipped, dude! Seriously.”

Jungkook felt his face go red, “Shut up, no, I’m not.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. I get it. That’s your girl.” Taehyung shrugged. Jungkook placed a hand on the fold up table in front of him, staring down at the information pamphlet you had worked so hard on.

“She’s just… so fucking driven and passionate about everything she does. Sometimes I look at her, and I’m just like… holy shit, what am I doing with a girl like her? I feel like she’s totally out of my league and being with me is holding her back but— I dunno, man. I just… really like her.” Jungkook revealed, voice growing small.

An unexpected wave of tenderness fell over the two boys, Taehyung throwing an arm over his little brother’s shoulder.

“I’m happy for you, bro.”

Jungkook didn’t know it just yet but dude was talking from the heart and, is in fact, totally whipped :’c

I loved the confrontation scene between the boys and Eunwoo because the boys standing up for Yara really did make everyone feel like a friend group, not just some character who happen to exist at the same time. It wasn’t just Y/N and Yara and one side and the boys on the other. They would all become friends, which is ideal to me. A boyfriend who likes your best friend and considers her a friend so you can all hang out??? Yes please.

Initially, irl Yara and I had noooo clue if Yara would end up with Eunwoo or not. That was actually the original goal actually. But after this chapter four, you guys made it ABUNDANTLY clear that you guys wanted to see Taeyara, despite the two never even meeting! Honestly, it wasn’t until this chapter was written that we decided for sure that Eunwoo was out of the picture for Yara. Part of me really wanted to keep Yara single, but irl Yara insisted on dick and frankly, she’s right. Bitchin’ Yara deserved a shot at love. She definitely has her own story outside of Bitchin’ and will experience a lot of growth in the future.

“God, I know. I do not miss that temper of his.” She chuckled, her words piquing your interest.

“Temper?”

“Oh, yeah. Have you seriously not experienced it yet? He’s got some gnarly anger issues. Not to mention all the lying…” Kiri paused suddenly, straightening up as she flashed you an apologetic look. “Yikes, I’m sorry. I totally should not be telling you this. I’m not trying to be that gross girl that shit talks her ex to his current girlfriend.”

Miss Kiri, Miss Kiri. She really acted up this chapter didn’t she. There was a lot of discussion about whether or not those things she said about Jungkook were true. Which was exactly what I wanted hehe. We come to find out that Kiri had definitely stretched the truth. She really is good at manipulation and understanding how people think and it’s why she is in the role that she is in. Messy queen.

CHAPTER SEVEN – THE ROOFTOP DATE

This entire chapter was inspired by High School Musical with Troy and Gabriella’s rooftop garden scenes. This was my shortest chapter and honestly, probably not my strongest. I definitely went into writing this with zero concept of what I actually wanted to happen. Usually when I write my chapters I have a 4k long outline of it beforehand that I go off of. Not this one though. I really just winged it and I tried my best to write a chapter that really showed off (dialogue wise) just how this couple bounces off each other. I do really like some of the banter they have in this chapter.

You had taken note a little wooden popsicle stick poking up from the soil of the yellow flowers. Acacias, they were marked. Pulling your knees up to your chest, you considered his words.

Yellow acacias stands the value of true friendship and can indicate a secret love! I thought that was very appropriate given these dummies' relationship.

“So, you probably know why I brought you here.”

You nodded.

“You’re proposing, right?”

“Yeah, I– oh, shut up.” He laughed, the serious mood shattering as you joined him.

Even though I knew they were going to have a semi serious talk, what with Y/N asking about what Kiri had told her, these two dufuses realistically are just too comfortable with each other to stay serious for too long.

“Hey, I said that out of frustration, I didn’t really mean it. I’m sure she’ll come crawling back soon.” You attempted to comfort him, hoping to sound sincere.

“Even if that’s true, I’m not entirely sure I want that anymore.”

“What?” You blinked. Jungkook shrugged.

“What about us?” He met your eyes, causing your breath to hitch.

“What about us?”

Jungkook stared at you for a moment, noting the way the timber in your voice had become higher pitched as if panicked.

MORE FUN FACTS LMFAO: I typically do this thing with unplanned chapters where I just go for it and write and usually it works out. But when I wrote this down I remember stopping and being like ??? WHY DID I JUST WRITE THAT ??? I don’t like deleting my writing so I had a serious think to myself about whether this was going to be the moment Jungkook confessed or not.

Canonly, I decided that Jungkook did in fact mean ‘us’ in a romantic sense, but because of the way you perceivably panicked at that possible meaning, he decided against taking the conversation in that direction, instead speaking about ‘us’ in a platonic sense. Poor kookie :(

“Stop. Listen to me, Jungkook, you’re a fucking great guy, okay? You’re charismatic and funny and care about your friends… sure, you almost ruined my event, but it was mostly to defend my best friend when Eunwoo got too pushy, right? You’re a good guy, meathead. I know I joke about your ego, but I really believe you’re capable of more than you think you are. Seriously, Kiri is so lucky to be the object of your affection.”

Jungkook watched the way the sun’s orange light kissed your face, a bittersweet feeling growing in his chest as he contemplated the object of his affection. Just a couple of months ago, he would have had no doubt about who held his heart, but as you held his stare, he found himself unsure and yet, entirely sure all the same.

“Jungkook? You okay?” You frowned, catching in the sadness in his eyes.

“Hm? Yeah, yeah. I just… realized something.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“…It doesn’t matter.” He smiled, the gesture hardly reaching his eyes.

It’s in this moment that Jungkook decides that there is no way you hold the same affection towards him that he does to you. He mistakes your words of comfort as you pushing him away. You are so kind and encouraging and Jungkook loves you so much that hearing you insist about him ending back up with Kiri hurts him so bad.

But you are still unsure about your feelings and genuinely believe that's still what Jungkook wants. You’re just being a supportive friend!! :( It isn’t until the end of this chapter when Y/N has her talk with Yara that she realizes, oh man, she’s in deep.

CHAPTER EIGHT – THE MISTAKE

BLAH. This chapter is so BLAH, you know? Having to write this chapter was SO HARD. I texted irl Yara complaining about how much I hated having to put my characters through this and that I wanted to just end the story on chapter 7 and keep them happy forever. BUT ALAS! I had planned for this to happen from the start.

You tasted like the mint of your favorite brand of toothpaste. He imagined if he had caught you any later then the mint would have been accompanied by the taste of coffee, knowing the way you rarely started a day without a cup.

God, he had missed the taste of you.

What you guys didn’t see is Jungkook spending the night with Kiri, and immediately kicking her out, freaking out as the weight of guilt washed over him. He knew he had done nothing wrong, that you weren’t his real girlfriend, and that getting back together with Kiri was exactly what he had signed up for. It was what he should’ve wanted. But it wasn't… because you were what he wanted. And that was exactly what he was going to tell you as he marched over to your apartment.

But he panicked. His mind already decided that your answer to him would be no– that you didn’t feel the same. So he kissed you. He had you in the only way he was allowed to. He was selfish and impulsive and so incredibly scared that he ended up hurting the person he loved the most.

Initially though, I had Jungkook get back together with Kiri, not that he slept with her right before sleeping with Y/N. But I decided TEEHEE let me just make everything erupt into flames. However, I didn’t realize just how angry with Jungkook you guys would get. I remember thinking DAMMIT WAS THAT TOO SCANDALOUS?? I knew I was going to have to work hard for Jungkook to redeem himself to my readers.

“She wants to get back together.” Jungkook swallowed dryly, eyes wavering between yours as if to gauge your reaction.

“…Oh.”

You shook your head.

“I mean, wow! That’s… That’s great!” You smiled, something tearing apart inside you as the words left your lips.

“Y/N–”

“Seriously! This means it worked, right? This is exactly what you wanted to happen.” You enthused, turning your head so that he couldn’t see the way your eyes had welled up.

Jungkook’s heart was pounding in his ears, fighting the urge to wrap his arms around you.

“Yeah… yeah, no, you’re right. We did it.” He replied monotonously.

GOD THIS PART IS SO UNBELIEVABLY FRUSTRATING! JUST ADMIT YOU LOVE EACH OTHER YOU MORONS! This entire situation is so convoluted because there's so much information missing and not being expressed, I seriously want to ring my own neck rereading this bit.

“Are you mad?” He called out cautiously, a heavy feeling falling onto his chest.

“Why would I be mad?” You quipped back sharply, causing Jungkook to flinch. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“I just thought… I mean we’ve been fooling around a lot lately, so I didn’t know if—”

“If what? I had feelings for you?” You scoffed. “Please, as if I’d ever fall for you.”

And there it was— everything Jungkook already knew but had been so afraid to hear. Of course, you didn’t feel for him what he felt for you. How could he have expected anything different?

IDIOTS!!! THEY'RE BOTH IDIOTS!!! I don't know how y'all put up with this for so long. Forgive me.

CHAPTER NINE – THE BREAK

Okay I actually love this chapter. And for many reasons. Let me break down the three scenes for you guys.

Scene one: Kiri confrontation

Kiri is definitely an opposing antagonist. She is constantly working against Y/N because of their interests directly conflicting. BUT. I would argue that the biggest antagonist to this story is the inner ones – Y/N and Jungkook's lack of ability to admit their feelings constantly holding them both back from their happy ending. That being said, a confrontation scene between Y/N and Kiri was MUCH needed. While I suppose I can understand why Kiri doesn't like Y/N, that doesn't change the fact that she has been disrespectful and catty. So miss Y/N had to put Miss Kiri in her place (•̀ᴗ•́)

Scene two: Yara and Tae at the library

Fanservice. That is all. LMFAOOO y'all reallllyyy wanted it to happen and who am I to deny my people what they want. It was really fun getting to explore my side characters and develop them through interactions outside the two main characters. IRL Yara also mentioned giving bitchin’ Yara and Tae their own chapter as a joke and I was like LOL BET. I fully was going to but then I got the idea for the next scene and was like ahh ok maybe not the whole chapter.

Scene three: Meeting with Erik

So. This was a SUPER last minute decision. Like, it wasn’t until I was writing this chapter that I planned on Erik making an appearance. I saw a tweet with someone saying their bitchin theories and they mentioned Erik appearing out of nowhere and I was like,,, HOLD ON!!!! That could be kind of spicy ≖‿≖ 

I knew for a fact JK was NOT going to be forgiven in this chapter; I needed a way to lay the situation out between the two dorks without trying to seem like I was trying to sway my audience in a way that didn't make sense to the story. Y/N was rightfully angry. But she wasn't only angry about the timing of the sex. She was angry that Jungkook went back to Kiri at all and there was no way she was going to admit that. So who better to lay it all out than calculated, unbiased third party Erik. He deserved some character development after all.

I also liked the idea that Y/N had, in theory, “romantic options.” Losing Jungkook didn’t mean the end of her life. Having my female lead stand on her own was very important to me.

CHAPTER TEN – THE END

RIGHT OF THE BAT I needed Jungkook to suffer. So that whole scene where he tries to interact with his old group only for his presence to make everything awkward MMMM yes, sweet revenge on my part.

You were surprised. His hair was no longer shaggy and long like you remembered it. Instead, it had been freshly cut, looking healthy and neatly styled for the first time since you met Jungkook.

THE WAY SO MANY PEOPLE COMMENTED ON THIS LINE “but Y/N liked it long?!?”  IS SO FUNNNYyyyy. So let me clarify a thing. Jungkook had always wanted to cut his hair right. The only reason he didn’t was because Y/N told him not to. With Y/N no longer in the picture to convince him out of it, he cut his hair. That’s really all there is to it skfjsjf.

You know, I had written this part around the time I had just finished up the third ch believe it or not. And it was COMPLETELY different. I had it planned that Yara and Y/N ignored him throughout class and Yara had gone back after the bell rang to go verbally assault JK. And as the two hashed it out, only then was that when Jungkook would realize that he liked Y/N after Yara literally spelled it out for him.

“You like her, dumbass!” Was what I had written Yara saying. I really had written him in denial for ten chapters, I was a whole sociopath (╥﹏╥). But ultimately, I decided that Jungkook came to that conclusion on his own and the decision to apologize to Y/N would have been made over winter break.

“You said Kiri came over asking for you back, yet you still came over and slept with me the next day. Even though the two of you had sex the night before. Do you understand how that makes me feel?”

“I’m—”

“Like garbage!" You emphasized, the white paint of the door somehow irritating you further. "I felt like I was something you threw away and picked back up whenever you felt like getting your dick wet.”

Your chest was rising and falling rapidly, and you tried your hardest to not let your emotions get the best of you.

“Not to mention to everyone else, it looks like you cheated on me. Which makes me look like a fucking idiot." You scoffed.

Jungkook said nothing in reply, which somehow made it easier to say all you should have said that day in your room.

“It just sucks to realize that someone you once cared about sees you as nothing more than a toy. It fucking sucks.”

Man :( writing this hurt my heart. I really, really, love bitchin!y/n and writing her hurting freaking stinks. But she had to speak her mind. She deserves the chance to get everything off her chest with the way Jungkook hurt her.

Your heart and mind were in constant paradox, torn between wanting him back and wanting him to know just how much he had hurt you. Your mind ultimately won the battle, of course, but as Jungkook stood just a few inches of drywood apart pouring his heart out, it was hard to say which major organ was responsible for your next words.

The creak of the door being pushed open sent Jungkook's eyes wide, revealing your hesitant form. You had your arms crossed over your chest as if to guard the contents inside of it.

You looked like an angel underneath the bathroom's blue fluorescent lights, beautiful and lovely, a stark contrast from your next crushing sentence.

“I slept with Erik.”

Hehe. Ofc my girl Y/N had to have a rebound!!! She knows that life goes on. However, as I wrote in, she definitely regretted it. It was kind of the same situation that Jungkook was in where he pursued something just because it was familiar and a distraction and not because he really wanted it. Both Y/N and Jungkook are flawed characters but that’s okay! If anything, Y/N’s mistake of sleeping with Erik is what allows her to forgive Jungkook. Knowing first hand how complicated their entire relationship really was.

“I don’t need you… but I don’t think I want a life without you.” You finished shyly.

Your eyes were locked with his when suddenly a small noise escaped him, eyes pulling away from yours as his head moved to attempt to hide the way his eyes had grown wet.

I got this line from one of my best friends after her ex broke up with her. It made me physically sad and really sympathize with her so I quickly wrote it down into my notes app to save for later LMAOOOO. Knowing that you are your own person and life will inevitably go on after losing someone, but that your heart still wants and is pleading for the one person you can’t have. SO SAD. I’m happy I got to use this line in one of my fics.

The note Jungkook wrote Y/N,,, imagine him not being able to sleep one night over winter break so he just writes down everything he should have told Y/N while he still had the chance…. I’ll for real cry dude, he’s so cute. Also, the line about him buying you fluffy Halloween socks for Christmas went over people’s heads I think but HECK I THOUGHT THAT WAS SO FUNNY AND SWEET (because Y/N bought Christmas socks when it was Halloween teehee).

"Are you two dorks done crying?" Yara’s voice rang out suddenly, causing both of you to jump apart.

"Yara, you creep! Privacy, dude! Ever try knocking?" You sniffed, wiping at your face hurriedly.

"What? Like you were peeing with Jungkook in the bathroom? Please." She waved you off, walking back into the living room to give you two some privacy. She did say Jungkook had 15 minutes before she’d have to come back in after all. "Anyway, Tae will be over in 10 minutes for the Saved By The Bell marathon that’s on so you guys are more than welcomed to join." She called out from her newly seated position on the couch.

I included this scene with Yara because things were getting too serious for my liking ngl. Plus the idea that the four of them would all come together at the end for a much needed reunion made my happy bitchin heart soar.

Jungkook let out a laugh, his palm finding your cheek, eyes locked on your lips. You were preening for his kiss, mouth parting slightly as you anticipated it.

“Partners?”

The question took you by surprise, eyes widening at your not so pretend lover.

Idiot.

“Partners.” You smiled softly, eyes shiny and brimming with tears as he kissed you for what must have been the millionth time, but still somehow felt like the first.

UGH I LOVE THEM I REALLY DO. I was so happy with how this final scene came out :( They’re partners, they really are I miss these boneheads.

AND NOW, I PRESENT THE CANON FUTURE OF THE BITCHIN UNIVERSE...

10 YEARS LATER

Let’s be honest, Jungkook popped the question the day of graduation, he can’t imagine a life in which you wouldn’t be beside him

You said yes (shocker)

Cue Jungkook being the most wonderful partner and respecting your wish to finish your residency program before having the wedding

You absolutely kick ass at being a neonatal surgeon

Also, Jungkook started a film company! It’s small but he loves what he does and works with colleges and helps out the film majors with resources and equipment <3

SO IT'S THE DAY OF YOUR WEDDING RIGHT

Yara and your sisters are helping you get ready, with your best friend as the ever so reassuring maid of honor

And by that I mean you’re as calm as a cucumber and Yara is one wrong move away from having a stroke

“Y/N… Don’t freak out....The catering company put in two orders of shrimp instead of chicken and steak.”

“Yara, it’s okay.”

“NO ITS NOT???? THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY AND YOU’RE GETTING CRUSTACEANS.”

Y/N making Yara take a seat and practice some breathing exercises so she doesn’t upset the baby

Oh yeah, Yara is 10 weeks pregnant

Taehyung is the dad lol

Yara and Taehyung have been together ever since that day at the library hehe <3

They moved in together and adopted a cat and everything (sweet boy Tae wanted a dog but Yara’s afraid of dogs and Tae would do anything for that woman so Yeontan the cat it is)

Yara refuses to put a label on their relationship even after all this time, and Tae doesn’t ask for one. They’re happy and dedicated to each other and don’t feel the need to put pressure on something that’s already so perfect

Yara is actually violently in love with Tae but still scoffs when Y/N tries to bring it up

“Oh my god, you’re so in love with him”

“Huh??? you must be sick or something. Get well soon, damn :/”

Yara likes to come up with different labels for Taehyung every time she has to introduce him. Among her favorites are roommate, rent sharer, baby daddy and penis lender

Speaking of Taehyung, he’d have a hand on Jungkook’s shoulder as he tries to calm down the panicking groom to be

“JK, breathe.”

“What if she doesn’t show up? What if she doesn’t want to marry me? What if I pressured her into this and— and I’ve freaked her out and now she hates me?”

“Dude, you guys have been engaged for eight years. She’s had her opportunity to run. She’ll show up.”

Taehyung scruffing up the younger man’s hair reassuringly, which only flusters him more because DAMMIT he wants to look perfect for you and now his hair is messed up >:(

(You like him no matter what his hair looks like though)

Jungkook literally swallowing down a sob as you walk down the aisle and he lays his eyes on you for the first time

You having a dumb smile on your face the entire walk over because your husband to be is crying and you haven’t even exchanged vows yet

The entire audience going all sobby when you finally do exchange vows because they’re so beautiful and real

The ten years together has not been easy— from financial struggles as you tried to support yourself through med school, to personal conflicts when Jungkook wanted to start a family already

But you guys figured it out

You always do

He’s your person. And you are his.

Y/N’s sisters Rosa and Lia are a WRECK— even your dad is tearing up

Your family loves Jungkook and have been counting down the days until you guys married, let’s be honest

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Jungkook punching the air with a “FINALLY!” before kissing the hell out of you

The cutting of the cake inevitably turning into a food fight

The shrimp entrees turning out to be pretty damn good

Yara catching the bouquet and wagging her brows at Taehyung suggestively

Jungkook pulling you aside to take photos of you outside the venue because you look so so pretty and he loves the way you smile when he’s the one behind the camera

The party is in full session, your siblings tearing up the dance floor like the extroverts they are

You and Jungkook are sat at the head of the room, hands intertwined underneath the table as you watch a tired and painfully sober Yara swing her bare feet onto Taehyung’s lap, requesting a foot rub

Watching your pregnant best friend and her lover together, you turned towards your own, smile impossibly wide

“What?”

“Let’s have a baby.” You’d grin, so stupid happy

Jungkook’s eyes going round and immediately jumping up from his seat because god that’s all he’s ever wanted

Being tugged out the room by a giddy Jungkook, one of your heels flinging off somewhere behind you.

“What’s happening? Where are we going?!”

The two of you find yourself in a storage room somewhere on the hotel floor

“Jeon Jungkook, what the hell—“

His mouth find yourself, kissing you in a way that couldn’t at the altar

You kissed him back without questions, arms wrapping around the man you now called your husband

“I love you.” He’d sigh into your neck, his hot breath causing you to shiver

“I love you too.”

“Let’s make a baby.”

“Yeah let’s— wait, right here? Right now?!”

Jungkook merely nodding as his mouth found the exposed skin of your chest

“Meathead, we can’t just ditch our wedding to have sex!”

“Why not? We did our marital duties. Now it’s our guests' job to get embarrassingly drunk and make a fool of themselves on the dance floor. No one will even miss us.”

“Isn’t baby making what our honeymoon is for?”

“Screw that. I’ve done my waiting. Let’s start our family, nerd.”

Jungkook kissing your protests silent before you inevitably give in and let him take you right there and then, your wedding dress hung around your hips

Husband and wife coming together with shaky breaths and hushed moans as they promise the rest of their lives to each other, making every argument, struggle or moment of uncertainty leading up to now totally worth it

Walk of shame back into the party with nervous hair fixing from you and a proud grin from Jungkook

Yara figuring out exactly why you two had sneaked off to, flashing the newly weds a knowing smirk

The night of your wedding, Jungkook surprises you with a present

You unwrap it in confusion, only to see that it’s a glass frame and inside of it is the wrinkled and worn out lined paper the two of you had scribbled on many many years ago

Jungkook hangs up the contract right above your bed as per your request, smiling as he does and jumping on him the moment he puts down the hammer bc dammit it you’re too heckin excited to make love with your sentimental loser of a husband

And yes, by the next month, you are pregnant and incredibly happy

And of course, your daughter and Yara’s son grow up to be best friends, not a family holiday passing by where they aren’t told the story of the totally bitchin’ way both set of their parents got together

[writhingcreature]

Breathe ~ the Doctor (part 3)

A/n: Sorry that I’m fixating on this series I just? I love this idea a lot lol. Also, I know I posted this on the wrong account but it would literally be like an extra half hour of work to fix this and I am not in the MOOD so I hope y’all can forgive my idiocy lmao

Word Count: 9100+

MASTERLIST

"What are you laughing at?" Y/n demanded, his face going red at Rose's giggles which had not stopped since Y/n had walked in the room.

The blonde shook her head, thoroughly amused it seemed. "You've been around the Doctor too much!" She accused. "Since when do you wear white button up shirts? Long sleeves and collar and all."

Y/n seemed suddenly defensive. "I like it, and I made it my own. See, no jacket, and I roll my sleeves up! With a nice vest, I could pass as a business man at the end of the day, or a farmer, or whatever." He sighed, allowing himself a smile. "Everywhere we go is never we expect to be. How many times have you gone running about in something not fitting for the time we turn up at? No matter where we go, the Doctor always fits in. I thought maybe taking after him would do me some good." He shrugged. "Makes me feel more professional too."

Rose gave a short chuckle once more before letting a long breath out as she looped her arm with Y/n. Y/n didn't know what Casandra had done to their little group, but ever since the trio had parted in that hallway when Y/n had stayed behind with Chip, things had been very different between him, Rose, and the Doctor. Y/n and the Doctor had long since stopped correcting people when they were called a couple. The Doctor and Rose as well. Y/n and Rose though... they'd been friends so long. Two people teetering on an edge they both tried not to fall over, thinking the other person didn't care at all. Yet here they were, secretly in love with each other this whole time. What a pair of fools.

"Well you look good in it, I won't lie. Especially with the sleeves rolled up,"  Rose complimented.

Y/n looked at her, his face colored with amusement but also embarrassment at her kind words. "What is it with men wearing collared button ups, sleeves rolled up, that does it for so many people?"

Shrugging was as much of an answer as Y/n got from Rose, because just then the pair arrived back in the main controls room. Where they were within earshot of the Doctor. The man turned around when they entered, and stopped short when he saw Y/n. "Well you look..." Y/n blushed even harder and Rose looked between the two men before scoffing.

"Oh, you two. Tell him he looks nice Doctor, you look silly like that, not saying how you feel when everyone knows what you're thinking anyway."

The Doctor cleared his throat. "You look very nice, Y/n."

"Thank you, Doctor," Y/n replied.

Rose dropped his arm, moving further into the room to divert attention from the sudden awkwardness. It really didn't make sense. The Doctor had been romantically involved plenty of times, Y/n knew that for fact. Speaking of, Y/n had as well. The Doctor had even been married and had children. That had been ages though... perhaps he was rusty when it came to romance. Maybe it was just Y/n, who was far less experienced and completely clueless how to treat a situation where the rules were not as clear as the feelings they had for each other. They had all this energy, but no idea how to utilize it. Rose, as usual, was the one who seemed to be able to handle it. Perhaps it was that she'd been in several serious relationships, but she always directed that unspoken energy in the right direction, then let it go when it was time. She had perfect timing, actually. It was rather impressive.

"What about my outfit, Doctor? Do you think it'll do?" She asked casually.

As always, the Doctor took the opportunity to change the subject. Y/n wondered passively if things between them would have really gone anywhere without Rose. God, what would they do without her? "The late 1970's?" The Doctor thought aloud, returning Y/n's mind to what was happening now. "You'd be better off in a bin bag. Hold on, listen to this," he added in a rush to cover his rather rude comment.

Rock music began playing suddenly, and everyone's attention turned to that. "I've heard this before. My mum used to listen to it."

Rose looked at Y/n in surprise, but the Doctor knew what it meant to far too casually bring up people one had lost and not want it looked at further, so he was the one who continued the conversation to other things this time. "Ian Dury and the Blockheads," he said with a grin. "Number on in 1979! Your mum had a popular taste, Y/n."

At that Rose got rather bright, her smile so wide that you could hear it when she spoke. "You're a punk!" The Doctor began to sing, and Y/n joined him, both of them grinning at each other as they had their fun with the music. "You both are, I can't believe it. A pair of punks. You, Doctor, are specifically some old punk with a bit of rockabilly thrown in."

"Do you want to go see him?" The Doctor asked, enjoying the banter.

Leaning against one of the rails, Y/n watched the two in quiet amusement as he often did with them. They talked too much for Y/n to keep up with. He was usually at a slower pace than them, and he preferred to watch them go at it anyway. "How do you mean?" Rose asked. "In concert?"

"Well what else is the TARDIS for?" The Doctor pointed out. "Also, Y/n, don't just stand there. You need to be watching me I said, you have to learn what I'm doing and then I'll teach you why I'm doing it and what everything means. You learn by doing I know, but you have to watch first."

Y/n smirked. "Oh don't worry Doctor, I'm watching plenty."

"Oi!" The Doctor pointed a warning finger at Y/n, but his face was not angry as much as it was red like Y/n's had been before. "Behave, you."

"I think not," Y/n disregarded.

"I'm sorry are we ignoring the fact that we might go to a concert in the 1970's? How cool would that be Y/n? I bet your mum would love that."

Y/n darkened a bit. "No, my mum hated crowds. She did like the music though." It wasn't bitter, but thoughtful. The same tone the Doctor used when he talked about his old life, before the Time War. Rose had noticed how similar the men were becoming. More and more very day, and quickly too.

"You know, I can take you anywhere," the Doctor told Y/n. Anywhere in space, but also in time. In the past. We can watch all the greatest moments of history, no problem. We're not just here to fix the world, we could just learn to. Take an easy trip for once."

There was something Y/n had been wanting to see for ages. Ever since Rose had seen her dad, way back when he died and she held him. Back before the Doctor was this man who he was now. He knew he couldn't do it though. Not because he would try and save his parents - he had learned from Rose. No, he just didn't want the Doctor or Rose to see back then. He didn't want them to know. He had been curious though... For so long. He couldn't remember them much, and had forgotten their voices ages ago.

"I'd like a concert," Y/n answered. "What do you think, Rose?"

She gave a small smile, as if she'd seen Y/n's thoughts in that moment but was too polite to call him out. "Ian Durey and the Blockheads it is." The TARDIS jerked when the Doctor began to go, but that was usual. What was not usual, was when the Doctor took a hammer from under the desk and began to slam parts of the control panel with it. Needless to say, when they all landed Y/n was the first one out. He felt annoyed seeing that. Even... a little sick to his stomach. He didn't know why - he'd never been motion sick before. He thought best not to question it.

Not that he wasn't plenty distracted when he and the other two exited the TARDIS to realize they were absolutely not anywhere near a concert being set up in 1979. In fact, they were in-

"1879," the Doctor realized when they were faced with men on horses wearing red coats and cocking guns they pointed into the trio's faces. "Same difference." Y/n glared at him, but the Doctor only winked in response.

"You will explain your presence," one of the armed men demanded. "And the nakedness of this girl." Y/n smirked and as if sensing it, without looking over, Rose elbowed him. Now was not the time to be flaunting how right he had been to dress the way he had, and not the way he usually did.

When the Doctor spoke again, he had a Scottish accent on and Y/n's eyes widened in surprise. Since when could he do that? "Are we in Scotland?"

"How can you be ignorant of that?" The same man spoke again, seeming seconds away of shooting them all. Y/n wasn't concerned for himself... except he had no idea how to explain why the bullets wouldn't kill him. The more pressing matter was definitely the other two though.

The Doctor began to bullshit and Y/n felt his muscles tense. "Oh- I- I'm dazed and confused. I've been chasing this wee naked child over hill and over dale. My partner is usually the navigator, so I trust him to lead the way." The Doctor motioned to Y/n with a head tilt, then looked at Rose. "Isn't that right, you timorous beastie?" He seemed a little hesitant, and Y/n had the thought pass of how fast he'd have to move to cover both of them when the bullets began firing.

Rose only made it worst. "Och, aye. I've been... oot about aboot."

"Please stop," Y/n whispered, shaking his head. Y/n hadn't heard many Scottsmen speak, but after the Doctor's fairly believable go at it, her complete failure was even clear to him.

"Hoots, mon?" Rose tried again.

"No Y/n's right, seriously, stop," the Doctor followed up.

The man on the horse spoke again. "Will you identify yourself, sir?"

"I'm Doctor James McCrimmon from the township of Balamory," the Doctor answered, switching gears again immediately. "I have my credentials if I may?" He moved his hand toward his pocket, drawing out his psychic paper when given the go ahead. He flashed it at the man. "As you can see, a doctorate from the University of Edinburgh." He showed it around willingly, and Y/n felt quite proud of the Doctor's ability to pull off a lie. Not to those who knew him, but when it mattered at least. "I trained under Doctor Bell himself."

Suddenly a woman's voice rang out. "Let them approach."

The uniformed man hesitated. "I don't think that's wise, ma'am."

"Let them approach," the woman demanded again, this time with attitude.

Obviously he didn't want to, but the woman must have been the final say because he finally conceded with, "You will approach the carriage, and show all due deference."

So they approached. The carriage door opened and there sat an older woman who looked rather comfortable in the company of strangers. "Rose, Y/n," the Doctor began. "Might I introduce you to Her Majesty Queen Victoria, Empress of India and Defender of the Faith."

"Oh my god," Y/n whispered, eyes widening. Aliens were one thing, but someone so staple in their own history? That was what tripped Y/n up, out of all the things they'd seen. This was just too close to home. Too hard to separate and look at logically.

Rose handled it better. "Rose Tyler, ma'am," she greeted politely. "And... my apologies, for being so naked."

"I've had five daughters," the Queen dismissed. "It's nothing to me. Who's the young man on the other side of you now, who looks at me as if I've grown three heads?"

This time it was the Doctor who elbowed Y/n. "I-" Y/n cleared his throat. "Y/n, ma'am. Sorry."

She smiled, obviously enjoying herself. "No worries." Her eyes moved to the Doctor. "How about you, Doctor? Why don't you show me those credentials?" He did, handing them over. "Why didn't you say so immediately?" She seemed baffle,d and suddenly Y/n was nervous as to what she'd found. "It states clearly here that you've been appointed by the Lord Provost as my protector."

"Does it?" He looked at Y/n, who shrugged. "Yes he does," he continued, more confident. "Good. Good. Erm, then let me ask, why is Your Majesty travelling by road when there's a train all the way in Aberdeen?"

"A tree on the line," she answered smoothly.

"By accident?" The Doctor pressed.

Queen Victoria seemed to find that question tiresome. "I am the Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. Everything around me tends to be planned?"

"An assassination attempt?" The Doctor seemed to be trying to understand something that seemed trivial to Y/n, but he had long since learned to not question the Doctor.

"What seriously?" Rose seemed stunned, just as Y/n was gathering his senses, as if she'd taken it into her to give him a break. "There's people out to kill you?"

"I'm quite used to staring down the barrel of a gun," the Queen reassured, though it wasn't reassuring at all.

The man on the horse from earlier spoke again. "Sir Robert Macleish lives but ten miles hence. We've sent word ahead. He'll shelter us for tonight, then we can reach our destination in the morning."

"This Doctor and his... timorous beastie will come with us." There was humor in her eyes. "As well as the silent one." Y/n ducked his head in embarrassment. The guard, which seemed to be what the man on the horse was, accepted that and then got them all moving again. He made a comment about the coming of nightfall, and Y/n found himself pleasantly surprised when the Queen responded, "Indeed. And there are stories of wolves in these parts. Fanciful tales, intended to scare children, but good for the blood I think." She looked ahead. "Drive on."

They all began walking and Y/n felt himself get awkward with all the guards watching him and he moved closer to the Doctor, nearly reaching out to take the man's hand. And then a few guards gave him a look of startled disgust and Y/n remembered what time they were in and felt a pang in his chest. He had to pretend all over again. The Doctor and Rose could be together wherever they were - whenever - but Y/n had to restrain himself. He dropped behind at the thought, distracting the movement that had been him about to reach out as pushing hair out of his face. It didn't fool the guards who knew what he had been doing anyway, so Y/n dropped back behind the Doctor and Rose. They looked at him but he just looked away, swallowing his awkwardness.

They arrived toward evening. The Queen was helped out as the Master of the house approached. "Your Majesty," the man greeted, bowing deeply.

"Sir Robert," the Queen returned brightly. "My apologies for the emergency. And how is Lady Isobel?"

"She's..." And then he hesitated, and Y/n felt in his gut that same feeling he always got when he felt something was wrong. He found himself questioning whether the man's wife was sick, or something else entirely was going on. "Indisposed, I'm afraid. She's gone to Edinburgh for the season.." He hesitated again, and Y/n felt that same pang. This time he was quite sure something was wrong. "And she's taken the cook with her, the kitchens are barely stocked. I wouldn't blame Your Majesty if you wanted to ride on."

"Not at all," the Queen chuckled. "I've had quite enough carriage exercise, and this is charming, if rustic. It's my first visit to this house. My late husband spoke of it often, the Torchwood Estate."

At that Y/n jerked. "I'm sorry, the what Estate?" Everyone looked at him like he'd gone mad.

"Torchwood," Sir Robert answered. "It was my father's house." The Queen hadn't objected to Y/n cutting in, so the man continued. The way Y/n was looking at him, Sir Robert seemed to see that the man was thinking, and thinking was what he needed in that moment. "It's a very old house you see. Lots of dangers in the old wood. That's why my wife est you see. She's grown tired of the keep up and needed a break. Are you sure you don't want to continue?" The man looked directly into Y/n's eyes and Y/n felt his heart stop. What was he trying to tell him?

"Quite sure," Queen Victoria interrupted. "Now, shall we go inside?" Sir Robert fought a frown when he nodded, seeming to want to run away. The panic in his eyes was so clear to Y/n, he was shocked no one else could see it. Y/n couldn't interrupt the Queen again though - he'd already tested his boundary. They began to go in, Y/n's mind racing as he scanned the Estate, looking for something out of place.

Then his eyes landed on the staff. They were all bald, and staring at Y/n like they wanted to destroy him. The Doctor moved up next to Y/n. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," Y/n responded. "Yet." Despite how he wanted to stop it, he had no reason other than his gut feeling. What was he to do but be wary if nothing else? So they went inside.

The group headed for a room with what looked to be a gigantic telescope. "And this," the Queen began. "I take it, is the famous endeavor."

"All my father's work," Sir Robert answered. "Built by his hand in his final years. It became something of an obsession. He spent his money on this, rather than caring for the house himself."

"I wish I'd met him, I like him." The Doctor was smiling and Y/n almost rolled his eyes. He'd know all about obsessions overtaking your personal life, wouldn't he? "The thing's beautiful, can I..." He motioned to the telescope.

"Help yourself," Sir Robert allowed.

Rose and the Doctor surged forward to inspect it, but Y/n hung back, slowly dawdling past the butlers who were standing too close to just be there for no reason. The others began to talk, but Y/n focused on them. "You guys follow your Master around a lot, don't you?"

The bald man in front responded. "How else are we to attend to his needs?"

Y/n shrugged. "I suppose that's fair, except didn't Sir Robert say that the kitchens were poorly staffed and understocked? Doesn't it make sense that you'd be cleaning such a large estate, or working in those kitchens which seem to need such work?"

Eyes locked hard, it seemed to be a contest to see who'd blink first. The man was obviously impressed when Y/n won, if still irritated in Y/n's pressing. "Are you disapproving of how I do my job?"

Shrugging casually, Y/n stepped past them finally. "Not my right to do so. That would be Sir Robert's right to say or not say."

"What about me now?" Sir Robert piped up.

"I was just saying that your staff hovering so much surprises me, since you were stating how the kitchens needed some help. I of course don't mean to offend or tell you how to run things, Sir Robert. I..." He hesitated, the lie coming to him too easily. "I come from a rather poor family. I don't know how things like this works, and it fascinates me."

Sir Robert was the only one who saw through the lie - other than Rose, who was paying attention closely now, cued into Y/n's habits that showed when he was suspicious about something. Sir Robert hesitated, as if considering using the excuse to dismiss the men, but then decided against it - that same fear flashing in his eyes again. "I like to have them around. With my wife gone, they keep me company."

Y/n nodded in understanding, but the two men locked eyes and Y/n knew immediately. There was something up here. It seemed too late though. He had no proof and if these men were dangerous enough to control Sir Robert so in his own house, they'd doomed themselves the second they walked in the door. Y/n had to be careful about this - especially because it seemed he's just placed a huge target on his back.

The Doctor spoke, shifting the subject. "It's a bit rubbish." Only then did they all remember the telescope. Even the Queen had been distracted, looking between Sir Robert and Y/n like she was picking up on the signals between the two men, but didn't know what they meant. "How many prisms has it got? Way too many!" The Doctor stood from where he'd been crouched to inspect the instrument before. "The magnification's over the top. That's a stupid kind of..." He turned to Rose. "Am I being rude again?"

"Yep," she confirmed, smiling.

"But it's pretty!" The Doctor continued. "Really, it's very pretty."

Y/n got distracted after that, his mind wandering as he ran through all the possibilities to try and figure out what was happening. He could talk to the Doctor later to get feedback, but he'd at least like to have some theories to throw out when the time came. They weren't aliens, surely. The Doctor seemed to be able to pick up on that sort of thing eventually. If that was the case, Y/n sure wouldn't know. What else could it be.

Someone nudged Y/n and he looked up to see Sir Robert of all people. He had reached out to touch Y/n. "You Doctor seems interested in children's stories and magic and the stars. How do you put up with him?" He was making a joke, but that's not why he had gotten Y/n's attention to tell it.

Smiling came easy. He knew Sir Robert had the answers and that he wanted to tell Y/n. All he could do for now was give hints, and that's all Y/n needed for now. "Stories, eh? I like those myself. What kind of stories."

"One about a wolf around these parts, like I told you about in the carriage," the Queen answered. The fact that Sir Roberts purposefully stayed quiet made Y/n listen more than it seemed he was supposed to. "His father and my husband were quite fond of it, and the Doctor asked him to tell it to us. I'd be lying if I said i wasn't curious myself, actually."

"It's said that-" Sir Roberts began.

"Excuse me, sir." the bald man from earlier interrupted, and when Y/n and Sir Roberts locked eyes again, Y/n looked over carefully, taking in the man, trying to pull secrets out with just a look. "Perhaps Her Majesty's party could go their rooms now. It's almost dark."

"Well that was rude," Y/n spoke up. Again all eyes were on him, and this time the Doctor and Y/n were picking up on the way Y/n and the bald man were glaring at each other, eyes locked. "The Master of the house was talking, and he was just about to tell us something very interesting. Even I wait until people are done talking, and I'm considered insolent." There was tangible tension in the room. Tension that seemed apparent only to those who could pick up on Y/n's small tells, and those who knew first hand that this was not as it appeared."

"Please forgive me, sir," the man apologized flatly. There was a threat in his voice, one that made Y/n go silent - especially when Sir Robert shot him a panicked look. "I only figured that you'd all want to rest before dinner."

Damn, that was a good excuse.

"What a lovely idea," the Queen gleefully spoke. "And some clothes for Miss Tyler, perhaps. Sir Robert, surely your wife left something behind?" The man nodded. "See to it. We shall dine at 7, and talk more of this.. wolf." At that the bald man simmered, and Y/n realized the connection. "After all, there is a full moon tonight."

Y/n's eyes widened. He had to hear this story... though, he didn't think he did have to actually.

The Doctor followed Y/n to his room. "This isn't where you'll be staying Doctor," one of the bald men said.

"I'll find it in a bit, just leave the door open. I need to find my friend." The man dressed as a butler hesitated, but couldn't find a good enough reason to stop this from happening, so he nodded and left. When the door closed behind them and they were safe from those outside, the Doctor rounded on Y/n. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

"The stories they mentioned earlier? They're true, and the men - the bald men - they're in one it. I don't think Sir Robert's wife is even gone off for some weather or old house, I think she's captured. Or dead." He shook his head. "I have no proof, only hunches and small noticings. But I'm telling you, Doctor. A wolf that only comes out on the full moon? The way the man interrupted Sir Robert from sharing the story. I think it's true, and I think it's coming after us tonight." It dawned on him then. "Or... after the Queen. No one else here alive is important, who should be here."

The Doctor considered all of this. "I believe you Y/n, I do. But we need proof, and that means we need to lay low and play innocent. You're brilliant, all you've gathered in such short time. I need you a bit longer before they try to kill you though and everything goes wrong. Do you trust me?" Y/n nodded immediately.

Rather unexpectedly, the Doctor grabbed Y/n's face and pulled him into a kiss then. He stepped backward, pressing his back to the door. Y/n kissed him back instantly, leaning into him. He hesitated, but when the Doctor kept kissing him, he found himself unable to help himself getting lost in it. His fingers threaded into the Doctor's hair and pulled their bodies closer. The Doctor's hands wandered, pulling and tugging on Y/n's shirt.

Just as quickly as it began, the kiss stopped and the Doctor was pushing him away. "Alright." The his voice was a little lower, his eyes blown just a bit. "I've been wanting to do that all day."

Y/n scoffed. "You snogged me like that to, what, blow off steam?"

The Doctor bit his lip, shaking his head before orienting his thoughts again. "I needed a reason to be in here that wouldn't incriminate us. They can suspect you know something, so you keep the attention on you. You're the diversion. While they're worried about you finding out, I'll poke around and see what I can find. They won't expect me because-"

"They'll only think you came in here to snog me," Y/n realized.

"Not a thing you can fake, the results of that. It leaves a nice touch, the blown out eyes and the... the lips." Y/n realized that the Doctor's lips were a little bit more red than usual. "Anyway, pleasure and business mix every once in a while - grand time when it does. See you at dinner."

Y/n rested his forehead on the door when the Doctor left.

What in the world was he going to do with this man?

The smile hadn't left his face when he sat down for dinner, and despite him straightening his shirt, there was still a heat to his face. The Doctor wasn't much better. The affects were missed by everyone who wasn't paying attention, but were picked up by the ones that mattered. The butlers who obviously were not butlers. And the Doctor's planned seemed to work. They immediately dismissed the Doctor and focused their attention on Y/n. He was probably in danger... not that he could die, which would hopefully be the worst thing that could happen tonight.

The man who seemed to be in charge of the bald men stepped forward, speaking as he had when he'd challenged Y/n earlier and lost. "Your companion begs an apology. Her clothing has somewhat delayed her." Y/n's heart stopped. His grip on the table turned his knuckles white.

By some miracle, the Doctor seemed as if he had no worries at all. "Oh, that's alright. Save her a wee bit of ham." Y/n's mind was racing again, his eyes focusing on Sir Robert. The man seemed to be apologetic, but not too sorrowful. Y/n was picking up on the man's emotions quickly as he watched him more and more. He only hoped he was right. Either way, it really didn't matter. Either Rose was trapped and they had time to work this out and save her, or... she was too far past saving to take risks anyway. And if Y/n left this room, he'd be doing it alone, and that would put him in line next to be carted away. The Doctor needed some help at the very least.

"Besides, we're all waiting on Sir Robert!" the Doctor exclaimed, breaking the men out of their stare and grabbing their attention again. "You promised us a tale of nightmares."

"Indeed," Victoria agreed. "Since my husband's death I find myself with more of a taste for supernatural fiction."

"You must miss him," the Doctor vocalized. It was then that Y/n thought back to the first time the Doctor lost someone. His own wife, even. The mother of his children... If anyone understood, it would be him. The Doctor understood loss better than anyone.

As if seeing that understanding in the man across from her, the Queen allowed herself a moment to be vulnerable. It was a very Y/n thing to do. Perhaps... Y/n was influencing the Doctor, the same way the Doctor was influencing Y/n. "Oh, completely." She paused, the air in the room growing heavy with emotion. "And that's the charm of a ghost story, isn't it? Not the scares and chills, that's just for children, but the hope pf some contact with the great beyond. We all want some message from that place. It's the Creator's greatest mystery that we're allowed no such consolation." Her eyes became far away and Y/n looked at his hands. What would he have left behind if he'd never become immortal? What would people leave behind with him, when their time came? That thought. The thought of realizing yet again that he was going to lose one person after the other forever... except the Doctor. They were all the other had left now. The only person they each had a chance of keeping forever. "The dead stay silent, and we must wait." Her voice grew small, and then she shook her head and switched gears to being chipper once more. "Come, begin your tale, Sir Robert. There's a chill in the air. The wind is howling. Tell us of monsters."

Under the table, Y/n let his knuckles rub against the Doctor's hand softly. In response, the brunette man turned his palm upward, allowing Y/n to interlace their fingers. Both relaxed.

"The story goes back three hundred years," Sir Robert began. "Every full moon the howling rings through the valley. Next morning, live stock is found ripped apart and d-" he cut off, that same terrified look crossing his face. "Devoured." Y/n felt his leg twitch.

The head of the guard laughed off the spook in the air by saying, "Oh, tales like this just disguise the work of thieves. Steal a sheep and blame a wolf - simple as that."

Robert was having none of that. "But sometimes a child goes missing," he insisted, pushing it to try and drive his point home. It seemed to be written off as dramatics by everyone else in the room. Everyone except Y/n who was listening intently, and the Doctor, who Y/n knew was listening even though he gave no note of it. "Once in a generation, a boy will vanish from his homestead.

Y/n knew the man holding his hand had questions, but if they were going the route of keeping attention on Y/n, Y/n had to be the one to ask. "Is there anything that tells what this thing looks like?"

"Drawings and wood carvings," Sir Robert affirmed. "And it's not merely a wolf, it's more than that. This is a man who becomes a wolf." He drove each word at Y/n, saying much more than just a story. What had he seen? Risked, to tell Y/n this?

"A werewolf," Y/n voiced, resting his elbows on the table.

"What a neat little story." The Doctor was smiling, shaking his head in the same way the head of the guard was.

"My father didn't treat it as a story," Sir Robert said, but his interest was as invested in convincing the Doctor as the bald men were worried he was someone to worry about. The plan was working, at least. "He said it was fact. He even claimed to have communed with the beast, to have learned its purpose. I should have listened."

The bald man began to move and Y/n went into protective mode. "Of course, it was your father's passion. I'm sure you miss him and wished to have listened more. Engaged with him." Sir Robert half halfheartedly nodded.

"The thing was, his work was hindered. He made enemies." This time Sir Robert focused on Y/n purposefully, eyes boring into Y/n's very soul. "There's a monastery in the Glen of St Catherine. The Brethren opposed my father's investigations."

"Perhaps they thought his work ungodly," the Queen suggested. That was when it clicked for Y/n, his eyes wandering to the bald men. The men who were monks, and who were also mumbling incoherently nonsense in a  foreign language that set Y/n's hair standing up.

"That's what I thought," Sir Robert agreed. "But now I wonder. What if they had a different reason for wanting to keep the story quiet? What if they turned from God and worshiped the wolf?"

"I think..." Y/n drawled, his hand tightening around the Doctor's. "It's time to make a new plan, Doctor. I don't think its going to do any good to play nice."

The Doctor's eyes widened. "Right." He turned around rather sharply, dropping Y/n's hand in favor of moving to his feet. They weren't getting any more information now - they had to find Rose. Chaos broke out, the Queen and the head guard trying to figure out why the Doctor and Y/n were so upset, Sir Robert apologizing because they had his wife, and the Doctor demanding to know where Rose was. There sat Y/n in the middle of it all, trying to be more productive than the confusion and the guilt and the yelling at people who were not going to respond.

"Doctor!" Y/n called, trying to knock sense into him.

The man looked over and he took a deep breath in. "Sir Robert, come on!" The three men took off down the hall. Sir Robert lead the other two to the basement, where a bunch of people were chained up and trying to pull to freedom as a werewolf grew to a dangerous form not even five feet from them.

Rose was so amazing, lord.

"Where have you been?" The blonde demanded.

"I missed you too," Y/n shot back. The joke didn't last long though, because soon they were all distracted by everyone scattering in a grab for freedom. All the women but Rose were rushed to the kitchens and the men all  but Y/n and the Doctor were armed. There was a noise and the Doctor dipped from the room for a moment only to come bolting back, grabbing Rose's hand. She grabbed Y/n's and the train pull got them all out of the room and stay together at the same time. They made it just behind the line of guns just in time for the weapons to go off as the wolf itself turned around the corner in full force.

The Doctor took charge when the thing bolted from the bullets. "All right, you men, we should retreat upstairs. Come with me."

"I'll not retreat," the ground's keeper insisted. "The battle's done. There's no creature on God's earth could survive such an assault."

"You think not?" Y/n demanded, in no mood for people to act afool. He snagged a gun from one of the men, thrusting the thing into the Doctor's hand guiding the end of the barrel to his throat. "Shoot me please, Doctor." Without hesitation, the Doctor obeyed, knowing Y/n would be okay in a few seconds. There were some startled screams and a moment of darkness as Y/n passed out only a few seconds, but then he awoke and men stood around him, stunned. "Like I said," Y/n grumbled as he stood up again. "You think not? That's what I thought, listen to the Doctor now."

Soon they were all heading their way upstairs, just in time for the halls behind them to echo with the thing's roar. "Well at least you're alive," the Doctor reminded as the ground keeper's face grew ashen pale. They ran up, Sir Robert calling the Queen. She was running down the stairs to greet them.

"What's going on?" The older woman demanded. "I heard such horrible noises."

"Ma'am, we've got to get out," Sir Robert urged. "But what of Father Angelo, is he still here?"

The woman hesitated then responded, "Captain Reynolds disposed of him." Sure.

The Doctor, who'd left the room to check the front door, returned just then to deliver only bad news. "The front door is boarded shut. Pardon me, Your Majesty, you'll have to leg it out a window." The group moved to a window, only to get shot at and have it quickly proven that windows were as much not an options as the sealed door was.

"I reckon the monkey-boys want us to stay inside," the Doctor sighed.

"Do they know who I am?" the Queen demanded.

"Yeah," Rose answered. "That's why they want you. The wolf's got you lined up for a... a biting."

The Queen was not having that. "Now stop this talk.  There can't be an actual wolf." Just then a howl broke through the house and Y/n had to bite back a laugh.

In the end, believing or not, they all took off running (after some snarky banter, but that was usual) and were all barely saved as they turned the corner and the wolf almost took them over, just in time for that head guard who Y/n realized he did not know the name of. The man tried to stay behind to give the others time to retreat, but now it was Y/n's turn not to tolerate nonsense.

"Now you listen to me," Y/n snapped with such authority that even the Queen didn't speak and payed attention. "I don't care who you are or what you've done or believe. I've got you all alive this far, and I've got plenty of witnesses that says I will do much better than you will facing down something that will absolutely kill you. Y/n ripped the gun from the man's hand. "Now go!"

"Why are you always staying behind?" Rose demanded, visibly stressed. "Just because you come back to life doesn't mean it won't hurt when that thing slices you up."

Y/n sighed. "It's my shtick, Rose, haven't you realized yet? I'm not good in stress anyway, I'm good for sacrificing myself and dealing with pain and doing the worst bits. You two are the brains, and you'll need as many hands as possible. Go."

"But-" Rose began.

"GO!" Y/n interrupted. "We can talk later."

Rose didn't listen at first. Instead she popped up on her tippy toes and caught Y/n's lips in hers. "You're an amazing man, Y/n." Y/n smiled and they finally all went, leaving Y/n behind like always to face the biggest problem on his own. It only made sense that he'd been given immortality. He was meant for this role. What he'd said had been truth, and everyone knew it. Y/n was the one who took the hardest hits because he could stand them better than anyone else. He was perhaps the only one who could stand them at all. Rose was right too, it didn't stop it from hurting, but he'd rather someone not die to spare him a bit of aching.

Everyone made it into the room, but Rose lingered, and that was why she was the one who got to watch Y/n get ripped apart. The last thing Y/n saw before the world went black and his bones snapped like twigs was the Doctor pulling Rose into the room so Y/n was out of sight.

When Y/n awoke again, he was too afraid to move in case it reawakened the memories of the last time his body had moved. When it had broken and snapped and caved in and his existence had become pain and loss. He just lay there, breathing, alone and cold in the silent darkness. He expected some kind of soreness or stiffness, but neither bothered him. His body was completely healed as if it had never once had anything wrong with it ever.

It was only when he heard a scream that he made his way to his feet, running after it to see what was wrong. As if on cue, there was Sir Robert standing with an ax or a sword or something, facing down that stupid beast. "Okay," Y/n growled, walking up. Sir Robert's eyes went wide. "Yes, I'm still alive. Now get into those doors you idiot, dying for a cause is my job!"

Sir Robert looked at Y/n, reaching out a hand to rest on his shoulder. "There is more to life than dying to protect everyone else, Y/n. You're brave, and amazing, but don't take this from me. I need to atone. I need to-" A roar echoed and the two men turned to see the wolf. Y/n stepped forward, screaming back. The wolf saw Y/n and froze, stunned.Y/n could practically see the thing recalling the memory of killing the man who stood before him now, completely fine.

"You think you will fear nothing," Y/n snarled, hunched over with his lip curled back. He looked quite wolfish himself, and the actual roof in the hallway seemed to take a step back. "Get back. GET BACK!" And by some insanity, the thing obeyed. "You're right, Robert. There is more to life than dying for a cause. You have a wife who cares about you, and I have watched far too many people die. Let me make a difference. Let me be the one who saves lives for once. Please, go inside." Sir Robert hesitated then nodded, stepping away from the door and into the adjacent hallway, out of range of the beast. There was a moment's pause where no one was sure what to do. Then the door behind Y/n opened and a hand wrapped around his arm and he was yanked back. The beast ran after him, whatever spell broken, and then-

Light.

So much light.

Y/n ended up on the ground, curled in a ball away from the light. He was so tired. He didn't ever want to move from that spot. Perhaps he could not negotiate never, but he could claim now. So he closed his eyes and did not move for a very long time. Because he was allowed that, I think. And so did everyone else.

-

When Y/n did move again, it was only to walk out of the estate and across the land they'd crossed what seemed ages ago to make his way back to the TARDIS, leaving the wrapping up to the Doctor and Rose.

He had a long time to himself in the quiet. A very long time. Far too long a time. He leaned against the control panel, hands flat on the controls, eyebrows knit together.

Finally, he spoke.

"I know you gave me his memories," Y/n told the control panel. "I know you were there when Rose was using your power. I felt you. Heard your voice. You told me his story. One that wasn't yours to tell. And now I know his life - his entire life, as if I lived it myself - and I have memories that aren't mine. That don't belong to me. How am I supposed to tell him that? How would I ever expect him to be okay with me knowing EVERYTHING? His life is clearer to me than my own." Y/n sighed, rubbing his face. "I can't die, but I can save people. I can lessen the burden he carries on his shoulders. The way he remembers each and every death and it hurts him. I took that upon myself, you know. And the wait of it all. The weight he must have, knowing that he can save one life and strand me and Rose here, or that he won't be able to save anyone's life ever again.

"Not to mention, he can die! He only regenerates when he's in the process of dying. If someone kills him before he regenerates, that's it. It's over. No more Doctor. For the first time maybe ever, it's not him who had to be afraid of losing someone because they might not live as long as him." Y/n sighed, feeling his heart fall slowly into his stomach. "Not to mention... I'm going to have to say goodbye to Rose someday, aren't I?" He looked up at the TARDIS around him, tears coming to his eyes. "How am I ever going to say goodbye to her now that we...?" His head fell forward as he sighed. After a second his hands tightened into fists as he stared at the floor under his feet. His gaze hardened. "I won't, you hear me? Not for a long time. A REALLY long time. We have so much time left together. She won't die or leave us. Not unless by choice, and I don't think she would leave if given the option. I'm going to protect her. You hear me?" He pushed off the panel, standing tall. "I don't care if I have to die every time we go out. I'm going to protect everyone."

It was a vow he would learn to regret.

-

The TARDIS door opened with two very nervous people entering the box that was bigger on the inside, expecting to see a very upset Y/n. Instead, they were greeted by a wide, brilliant smile and sparkling eyes as the man that had left in the middle of the night and spent all that time alone because Rose and the Doctor had to wrap things up with the Queen, leaned against the control panel like he knew they'd been about to enter. "You guys ready to go?"

Rose was the first one to answer. She wasn't smiling. "Y/n?"

The man turned away from her, beginning to distract himself by running his hands along the switches and buttons he wasn't completely familiar with yet. "That's my name. Where do you want to go this time, Rose? I'm sure you'd be a better person to give suggestions, Doctor, but I could shoot some ideas through history if we wanted to stay on Earth."

There was a moment of quiet where the Doctor and Rose had a silent argument before they stopped just in time for Y/n to finally turn around. "Y/n can we talk?" Rose asked gently, her smile small and soft.

Instantly Y/n was shot with terror. "Uh-" He looked at the TARDIS wall, trying to let the light make the horrible feeling in his chest go away. Had they finally decided he was useless and more a burden than anything and wanted him to go home? Was he too reckless and had upset them? Was he getting annoying, wanting to learn how to drive the TARDIS? Had he been rushing things by trying to be with both of them? Had... had they learned that they liked being together and not with him? "Talk about what?" Y/n finally asked, his gaze finally moving from the wall as he turned his back to them, trying to memorize the TARDIS so that he'd remember her as long as possible when he was gone.

Arms suddenly wrapped around his waist, looping under his arms. A face pressed to his back. He tensed, unsure of what was happening. "I love you."

Y/n was stunned. "I love you too, Rose." Her arms loosened, allowing Y/n to turn around to face, her, unsure of what was on her mind. "But?"

"But nothing," the blonde assured. "You just need to understand... losing you is terrible. And I know that you don't stay dead when you die, but- before you were immortal you were bad enough, but now you don't even try to stay alive anymore. It's really got me worried."

This was even more confusing. "I can't die, Rose."

"Do you want to?" That was the Doctor, and when Y/n looked at him, there was a look in his eyes that made Y/n feel terrible. This man had watched his whole planet and everyone he cared about die. After that, he had lost every friend and sometimes even more. The way he looked at Y/n now was not necessarily fear, because he didn't have to worry about Y/n dying. It was exhaustion. It was the face of a man who was tired watching his loved ones die.

"Of course I don't," Y/n answered honestly. Dying sucked. He hadn't had much experience with the process - the worst he'd had was last night when he'd felt his body shatter and then woken up perfectly fine and in one piece, with the memory still clear in his head. He'd felt insane, which had never happened before. None of his experiences dying had been good, and last night had shown him just how terrible it could be. It had also made him wonder... how far did this go? Could he be vaporized and still return completely fine, or if he was reduced to ashes, would he stay dead? Honestly, he didn't want to find out. Vaporizing looked painful and he didn't want that in his head. Not like he had the feeling of teeth ripping his chest and stomach into shreds ingrained in his brain with a clarity that still had him unsettled.

The Doctor pursed his lips. "Why did you?"

Y/n scoffed. "What, you're mad that I died when I did it to save all those people, knowing I would come back?"

That seemed to bother both of them. "We both watched you die last night, Y/n. In really unpleasant ways," Rose said softly, her hand stroking his chest comfortingly, as if to calm him down. He would be lying if he said it didn't work even a little. "You had the Doctor shoot you for goodness sake."

"He did it," Y/n reasoned weakly. "I-" He swallowed. "I didn't think it bothered you. I came back."

"I thought so too," the Doctor agreed. "That's why I did it." There was a short pause where the two men looked at each other, and Y/n was suddenly glad he could only see the Doctor's past feelings and thoughts, and not what was going through the Timelord's head now. "Then I watched you bleed out on that floor, and it was very real and you were very dead, and I have that memory now." He shrugged, obviously as uncomfortable with the conversation as Y/n was.

Y/n wondered absently how long Rose had taken to talk him into doing this at all.

"I'm going to be okay," Y/n reassured.

Something odd happened then. They were still looking at each other when they were hit by the same memory, almost watching it be recalled in the other person's mind. Somehow, that made it even harder to bare.

"I'm going to be okay, Dad, don't worry."

There was terror in every part of my... his body. I knew it more clearly than ever now, even though I also knew that I was seeing it from his eyes. The last time he was a dad with his kid. I was seeing it from his eyes so I knew that it was... both of our bodies, I guess. Just for a moment. For that memory, I allowed myself to make it personal. I allowed myself to become the Doctor, staring at his kid and hoping with ever fiber in his being that they would see each other again when it came time.

"We both will be." The woman smiled, hand reaching out to touch... my face. Her smile was warm and soft and compassionate. The same fear coursing through me, reflected in her eyes. They'd already lost so much. How much more could they all handle?

Y/n looked away, but he didn't miss the bewildered expression on the Doctor's face. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I just... want to be useful, I guess."

Rose's hands gripped Y/n's face, forcing the man to look at her when she spoke to him. "You don't need to be useful, Y/n. You are, don't get me wrong, but that's not why you're here. You're here because you're apart of us, and we care about you, and that is plenty enough. You're here because you chose to be here and then kept choosing to be here despite everything. THAT is the only reason you're here, do you understand me?" After a second, Y/n nodded. "I know you feel obligated to save people, just... please, you're important too. Even if you come back, it's going to start taking its toll on you eventually. Remember that."

Y/n allowed himself to relax into her touch. He looked into her eyes and saw the woman he never met. The care in her eyes matched Rose's, as much as the determination and care. They didn't really look alike, but their love was the same, as it was the same for everyone who felt it - one way or another. "Okay." He smiled, and Rose relaxed. "Is this you asking me not to die?"

Rose chuckled, shaking her head. "I never thought I'd have to ask that of you honestly." She shook her head, her hands dropping. "But no. Just... care about yourself as much as you care about other people. You're important too. That's all I'm asking. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should."

That was fair.

"Now," the Doctor said, drawing the attention of the other two. "We have adventuring to do. Any suggestions?" Rose and Y/n parted so Y/n could join the Doctor at the control panel. Rose leaned against the wall across from them, crossing her arms and smiling. She looked at lot happier now. Y/n realized she'd probably been terrified of seeing Y/n die again, carrying a weight with that fear that had drug her down enough that now, she felt light enough to have a bounce in her step. She recognized that it was going to happen again, but at the very least it wouldn't happen often, like it had been.

"You pick," Y/n sighed. "I think you deserve a turn."

The Doctor's face began to light up with a smile. "So be it."

-

[fizzingwizard]

I could cry y’all. Episode 37 was SO GOOD. So good!! It truly felt like a Mimi episode, and it truly felt like Digimon Adventure, in multiple ways. It’s seriously fantastic!

I feel at once super duper relieved that this show is, really and truly, capable of this time of episode, and also super duper confused why, if it could do this, it hasn’t been doing it the whole time??

Anyway, we’ve now had four or five solid episodes in a row, so I’m letting myself feel hopeful again!

This episode is called “Mimi Wars,” but I feel it might be more aptly titled “Sailor Mimi”

In the name of employee rights, I will punish you!

More below!

Okay... so as I was watching this episode, I really got the feeling that they were parodying something again. Like last we had a Mimi episode - far far away in the distant past though it was - when they very obviously parodied Castle in the Sky. That’s twice now Mimi’s been compared with a girl with twin tails, Usagi’s pigtails and Sheeta’s braids xD

Although the poses Mimi uses aren’t exact replicas of Usagi’s, though, so maybe I’m wrong. I got the Usagi vibe from her personality even more, so maybe using the poses would have been considered copyright infringement and so they had to change them a little. Or, maybe Mimi is parodying someone else who also uses dramatic hand movements and talks a lot about justice in spite of being generally clueless...

See the resemblance? XD

But what I REALLY think is going on is, they’re spoofing the genre in general, while also taking it seriously. That’s important. It’s not just a joke here. This is the girl power episode, in a way, and in my opinion, it’s a better girl power episode than the fare I got used to growing up, which went more or less like this:

Guy: *does something with good intentions but inept*

Girl: Ugh! Men don’t respect women!

Guy: I’m sorry, what did I do wrong?

Girl: I won’t tell you because feminism! C’mon girlfriends, let’s assert our confidence as women by going on a girls night out shopping spree and making a bunch of random guys stare in awe at us for no clear reason!

Girls: Yes! This is third wave feminism!

... that was more or less the formula. It was... awkward. I’d like to blame on “those episodes were written by men who think all feminists are angry feminists,” but I think if I went and checked who the scriptwriters were, there’d be some women in there for sure.

What we got in THIS episode is something I’d actually want my daughter to see. First off you’ve got Mimi, who loves pink and pretty things and comes across as a real girly girl, not to mention a bit of a ditz. And the show’s straight up, “but just because you have flaws doesn’t mean you can’t grow into a great person. Also, being girly is not incompatible with being a boss.”

Mimi doesn’t need to be a man, nor does she need to be a hard ass, nor does she need to be especially kind and sweet to soften her orders. All she has to do, according to this episode, is care about her craft, care about quality, and care about worker conditions.

I mean... a show where the girl boss wasn’t a Russian spy in a former life?? A show where the girl boss isn’t a Stepford wife who got where she is by marrying rich and funding her perfume company that way? She’s... she’s Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. She gets to be flawed and girly and fun-loving and bossy and ditzy all at the same time. She loves diamonds - but diamonds are no longer a “girl’s best friend.” Rather, Mimi herself is the diamond in the rough!

This actually makes her a really good set with Sora. Sora continues to be both a tomboy and very sisterly. Mimi’s very girly but very bossy. Between the two of them, they can conquer the world. Of course, I don’t know that the show would take it any farther than they already have, but I’m just happy to see this development for Mimi at all. We had it to a degree in 99 Adventure, and Kizuna took it a bit further by making her an entrepreneur. Reboot Mimi is a remix of that for the 21st century.

*deeeeeeeeeep breath*

so... back to our regularly scheduled programming!

As awesome as Mimi is, she’s not the only one who’s great in this episode. The others get to let their real personalities shine, at least. We needed this episode sooooo bad like 20 episodes ago... le sigh.

Anyway, we start off having mad camp, for some reason (why aren’t they just staying on Komondomon?? whatev)

Food! They’re going to get food! They’re splitting up and making a plan in order to get food!!! I still miss the “food desperation” of 99 Adventure but hey, at least they’re acknowledging that they need to eat.

Sora advises Hikari and Takeru not to go too far on their quest and Tailmon swears like a knight of the round table to protect Hikari with her life.

Taichi: Oookay... note to self: don’t piss off little sister’s hotheaded partner...

Taichi adds that they’re also counting on Patamon, who is just thrilled to go off and play with Takeru.

Tailmon: *BIG SIGH*

Lol I really love that they’re bringing back the old Patamon/Tailmon dynamic where she’s all grown up serious and he’s got the priorities of a toddler most of the time... It’s Black Widow and Hawkeye bahahahaha

We even get to see them COLLECT FOOD what did I do to deserve this they are COLLECTING FOOD IT’S NOT HAPPENING OFF SCREEN I REPEAT IT’S NOT HAPPENING OFF SCREEN

Taichi even has to warn Agumon not to eat the food becaues they’re supposed to be gathering it to share ;___; omg... we actually get on screen proof that Agumon is a glutton??

Then Taichi tries to “help” by shaking the tree and the tree falls and they -

BAHAHAHAHAHA

humor!!! Poking fun at Taichi even!! Over food!! Because he has a klutz for a partner!!! And because he himself was overzealous!! ;_; I could die of Cute.

Sora absolutely shocks me this episode too. I expected she’d just watch Taichi and Agumon drift away with their folly while sighing and shrugging her shoulders or something.

NOPE

She jumps DIRECTLY UP and into the water without a moment’s hesitation, like they’re going to die without her - I don’t even know what her plan is here, she seems to want Piyomon to evolve and pull them out, but why does that mean Sora has to be in the water too?

I think her sisterly instincts just freaked out on seeing Taichi looking wet and confused and clinging to a tree trunk so she just did the first thing she could think of which was “Get to him!!”

Piyomon then fails to evolve, reason unclear, I suppose she’s hungry... they never do eat though so I’m not sure why she can evolve later xD (probably they eat off screen)

But I mean I just love that we got this bit with Sora. I call it freaking out but she doesn’t seem freaked out - she stays calm and seems decisive and takes action - all good things. It’s just hard to understand her thought process xD But it’s all good info about Sora. (again stuff we needed more of AGES ago)

Now I had thought this was all just a funny bit that was separate to the main story, but this is how Taichi and Sora end up washed up in the rocky area Mimi is. This does mean Koushirou, Takeru, and Hikari aren’t much in the rest of the episode, sadly. Not sure why but the reboot does seem to struggle with writing episodes for the whole group.

Like last week, I’m somewhat miffed that, in the end, the main group finds the stragglers instead of the other way around. It’s even worse this time because at least last episode Koushirou told them where he was and they had a reason to go there. This time they have no idea Mimi’s gonna be there and it’s all a big coincidence. On the other hand... I do think Mimi was born under a lucky star, so that explains it. :P

Taichi and Sora suddenly find them selves trapped Gulliver’s Travels style and they’re both immediately like, “Hmm... something about this situation seems very familiar...”

Taichi and Sora: Oh that’s RIGHT we totally forgot that the pink cowgirl we hand out with is also TOTALLY BATSHIT

D’awww. Our future overlord is just so adorable, I don’t even mind when she flogs us in the street

TBH, up till now they’ve woefully underestimated just how batshit she is. And it’s wonderful.

So Mimi has happened upon some poor, disenfranchised Digimon who are being forced to work for an evil boss who collects the beautiful gems that grow in this area. Like in 99 Adventure, Mimi will have none of this sort of crap. Her reasons, though, have evolved with the times:

omg... she voted for Bernie Sanders!

This is how Harry and Ron reacted when Hermione said she was starting a house-elf welfare organization called SPEW.

Though I joke - like I said before, even though Taichi and Sora are rather mind-boggled by Mimi’s mood swings and fits of passion, and there’s definitely humor there, Mimi herself is not a joke here. We are shown strongly that, however in the clouds her head might be, her heart is not only in the place, it’s also already internalized the fact that people don’t always get treated well in the real world and it’s up to those with power to ensure that are protected.

I mean. At this point, I’m going, “Sorry but ISN’T MIMI THE REAL LEADER IN THIS SHOW?!?!”

Of course she does have another, less lofty motivation... she really likes pretty stones.

Buhahahaha.

Mimi’s names are as creative as they are incredible, just like her. Taichi and Sora have trouble keying in with Mimi due to how changeable she is, but they never talk badly about her or reject her. They never try to wrest leadership from her either! Taichi might think Mimi’s names for the stones are over the top, but sort of sidesteps it and just goes along with her plan.

Reason #14567876867867 why I love Yagami Taichi: when someone else is the leader, he can be a follower. And he’ll be the BEST follower. Keep reading to see why.

The story of how Mimi befriended the enslaved rock Digimon here is pretty much how Goku became besties with Vegeta.

Men communicate their hearts through their fists! Or swords, depending on the anime. ANOTHER AWESOME SUBVERSIVE MOMENT FOR MIMI - she’s now even got cliche shonen hero tropes assigned to her!

Taichi and Sora, like I said, don’t try to change Mimi’s mind - they’re actually touched by her strong feelings about workers’ rights and her desire to help her new friends -

Taichi: Wait... what?

Sora: Well, she’s still a ten year old girl.

The rock Digimon show their allegiance to Princess CEO Mimi. They don’t even mind having their names and identities stripped away and being reduced to numbers on an Excel spreadsheet...

Taichi: I hate Excel.

Sora: I do too, but I’m more impressed that she remembers the numbers she gave us back in episode 6.

Taichi: Impressed? More like filled with a sense of impending doom

Only Taichi seems to understand Mimi’s unique power bahahaha.

But back to what I said earlier, about Mimi being the real leader: I don’t know if the show’s gonna keep doing anything with this at all, but I really like that they didn’t NOT do this in order to ensure Taichi’s the only leader. (I mean, Yamato’s so far not made much of a bid for leadership so he’s been pretty uncontested thus far. He also hasn’t had to do all that much leading given how often the group is separated... but I digress)

I love the idea that Taichi can step back and let someone else take the reins when they’re best suited. Which Mimi is, due to her easy ability to make friends and gain trust. Mimi had this ability in 99 as well and it was used in the final battle to muster the troops, so to speak. It ought to have been a bigger deal but wasn’t since she missed most of the final battle :/ But I loved that “social, able to make friends” wasn’t some stupid “Girls talk too much” trait, it was actually something that was useful. This is a great place to take that with the reboot.

At the same time, while Mimi and Taichi both have similar leadership traits, there are places they diverge that potentially make them leaders for different situations. Taichi’s pretty cool and strategic even in emergencies. He was more of a hothead in 99, but Mimi’s always been quick to anger. (And quick to cool down.) As we’ll see in this episode, that’s sort of where Taichi’s true ability lies: he’s serious, determined, strategic, and reliable as well as brave. But this is Mimi’s episode, and Taichi isn’t going to get to be the hero anymore than he (almost) was last week with Koushirou. Because more than one character can have positive leadership traits! Hallelujah.

Quick nip over to Komondomon and the others - Koushirou’s group is going to try to find them, but Komondomon falls asleep. Oh noes. I wish someone (Koushirou) would ask, out loud, “Gee, what are these strange symbols that appear when we communicate via digivice? Do they mean something? How were they assigned?” I really thought we’d get a hint what with all the conveniently colorful gemstones this episode, but still nope.

My girl looking like a BAMF!

Mimi explains her plan to her servants employees. She is surprisingly artistic!

Sora plays the role of bait to create a diversion while Greymon digs a tunnel to get to where the gems are stored. Mimi congratulates herself on a job well done.

Taichi: A job well done? Who d’you think has been doing the work here?

Greymon: That would be me.

Taichi: Right, right I was going to say you >.>;

So we do see bits of Mimi’s self-centered side as well - she’s not perfect, but who is? Taichi just lives with it. Mwehehehe.

... will be fired! LMAO

No. 72 is Taichi, btw. Mimi gave up calling people by their names for Lent.

Taichi: Lent’s not for over a month.

Mimi: It’s never too early for religious sacrifice.

Taichi: And you’re not Catholic.

Mimi: I celebrate Mardi Gras.

Taichi: yOU JUST LIKE THE COSTUMES AND KING CAKE

He’s miffed and he.... just lives with it. Again. xD

It’s hilarious. And adorable. I love both that 1) Mimi is an awesome boss while being, in fact, rather bossy, and that 2) in spite of being a boss type himself, Taichi not only listens to Mimi, but he totally indulges her like he’s her older brother or something x’D He wouldn’t be out of line for saying “I have a name you know!” On the other hand, I guess he knows her well enough to understand that she doesn’t mean anything by it, and... there’s no stopping her when she gets like this :P

Feel the wrath of Tachikawa Mimi!!!

So Mimi’s plan has worked so far, and she’s got everyone listening to her despite her questionable business practices, and then she... suddenly rushes off in another direction.

Taichi: That’s it, I am through being her personal assistant if she’s just going to change the plan on a whim!

Taichi: ... I don’t want to see her get hurt or be sad though...

Greymon understands Taichi’s heart ;___; and enables him to go after Mimi. I don’t really get why it’s wise to split up given that Taichi can’t fight big rock Digimon without his partner... x’D So I’m going to chalk this up to, Greymon understands that Taichi is, at his core, the team Dad. He’s got to be allowed to worry and check up on the kids, even when it’s not so advisable. Awwwwwwwww.

Indeed, Taichi doesn’t get to be the hero this ep, but small moments like this give us waaaay more character development than always being the hero!

Fortunately Mimi does have her own partner and she’s not afraid of the enemy’s rock hard abs. :P

They make it into the storage center for all the gems. IT’S SO COLORFUL. Ten year old men is squeeing just like Mimi.

Come on!! She’s holding yellow/orange topaz and purple amethyst! It could be the material for Taichi or Takeru’s and Koushirou’s crests! (I always liked fire opal for Taichi though xD)

Taichi’s been promomted!! To chief pack animal x’D Just because it’s a cool name doesn’t mean that’s what the job is, Meems.

Taichi’s just like, “I think I’m too young for that position.” Bahahaha.

He’s going to be carrying her books to school before long.

Then something big and hard hits Taichi in the head!! He freaking starts to cry, it hurts so bad!!

Taichi: Owww! Omg I think I got a concussion from that! Help someone call an ambulance!

He was hit in the head by a diamond, which Mimi loves. So she goes off on a monologue about how much she likes diamonds. She never asks him if he’s okay x’D

Taichi: Don’t worry about me, I’m fine, not that you asked or anything.

Mimi: Please, everyone knows your head is already harder than diamonds.

Taichi: ...

The pile of gems looks like Fruity Pebbles. Mmmmm

It turns out the mastermind of this whole operation is Gogmamon, who is the bastard child of Gogmagog I assume :P He eats the gemstones as well as Gotsumon for power. He then produces the diamonds?? I didn’t quite understand if he was spitting out the diamonds because he didn’t like them, or he was creating them inside him when eating and then spitting them out like... diamond turds...

...

they’re diamond turds aren’t they >__>

Mimi is not interested in big business bulldozing the mom and pop shops and small upstarts. And she hates sweatshops! She is pro-Fair Trade all the way! And she will yell it in your face!

Taichi: It’s the yelling part that I’m having trouble with.

Mimi: A good speech from the boss is what keeps up employee morale!

Taichi: Yeah, that’s less true when the boss is about to be gobbled up herself...

Golemon and Togemon try to fight Gogmamon and this results in Golemon falling to pieces.

Taichi: Are you okay?

Golemon: My HEAD was knocked off, but sure I’m doing JUST FINE -____- little brat

Taichi stands protectively in front of Golemon’s head. Lol. He’s thinking of strategies... perhaps regretting rushing after Mimi and leaving his own partner behind...

Mimi joins him and Gogmamon finds her a formidable opponent in the war of words. Gogmamon argues that all the rocks, all the Digimon, everything here belongs to him and him alone! And Mimi brilliantly counters with:

“Fuck that! They belong to ME!”

x’D He just like... under his breath... “she admits that’s how she thinks of us...” hahahaha... I laughed out loud...

It might not be 3D but this is an excellent evolution sequence xD I haven’t said so yet but the animation in this episode was good! Good for the show anyway. It was smoother than usual despite some mechanical-like mouth movements and more than that, it had character and expression!

okay important question everyone: Taichi = Kermit, Mimi = Miss Piggy... discuss??

So Gogmamon has a pretty cool-sounding attack, “Curse Reflection.” I have often complained that the villains we fight and get new evolutions with aren’t that scary, but Gogmamon not only seemed pretty formidable (if not the smart, I mean he does have rocks for a brain), he also had a good story build up. My one disappointment in this episode is that the ending is so fast and Gogmamon so easily dealt with. This would have been a good time to introduce Rosemon (like how last week would have been an appropriate time for HerculesKabuterimon). But in both cases, we’re definitely supposed to take away at least that these guys are almost there... Anyway yeah, I would have liked a tiny bit more meant to the resolution but.

So here’s ANOTHER cool thing! Taichi notices that Gogmamon rejects the diamonds, and realizes they’re the key to defeating him. But he doesn’t just tell that to Mimi. He asks her “Did you see that?” And guess what - she did!

So even though the show couldn’t resist telling us that yes, Taichi would have been able to handle this situation - it doesn’t even let him give Mimi a hint towards victory. She figures it out for herself! The most we can say he does is point out the diamond, but she understands the implication and is able to use it against Gogmamon through her own intellect.

TAICHI DOESN’T MANSPLAIN Y’ALL. HE’S NOT A MANSPLAINER. HALLELUJAH AND PAST THE PEAS!!

Mimi is very influenced by her hardworking, CEO grandpa, Tachikawa Genichiro, who’s taught her things about business and things about values, and it really reads as if she’s the one who will inherit the family business - like she’s the family investment. You know, the role that traditionally only falls to sons. That’s changed with the world, and apparently Tachikawa Genichiro-jiisan is totally on board with his granddaughter being more than just a pretty heiress!

... btw what are they making...

“You’re fired!” Mimi yells as Lillymon takes Gogmamon down x’D kill me I love it

Like last time (and it sure was a long time ago that we saw it ;_;), the aftereffects of Lillymon’s powers is plants start growing everywhere. This is such a cool effect, I don’t get why it’s not used more. Right now I feel like Mimi/Palmon are the best set in the show.

(I did think it was funny when Mimi gives the diamond to Lillymon to use against Gogmamon and Lillymon acts like Mimi’s making this huge sacrifice since she loves diamonds so much. But 1) it wasn’t the only one, and 2) they were spat out by Gogmamo! that’s gross! that’s got to cut into the value! hahah)

The others finally catch up and the day is saved. Golemon is an employee for life now. Awww.

AWWWWWW.

I gushed about all this before so I won’t repeat myself, but yeah, I’m so happy with this episode.

Lol Sora and Taichi have accepted their places in Mimi’s world, in the end. They might have numbers instead of names and their boss might change her mind about things every five seconds, but other than that it’s a pretty nice gig overall.

Again the art, so sweet. This reminded me of Miyako yelling to Mimi about how she wants to be like her when she grows up in 02 so I capped it.

And I absolutely love this little play on words since it’s in English! Wow!

SO CUTE. How did a Mimi episode kick every other episode out of the water? Scratch that, we always knew Mimi was fantastic. A shojo hero for the 21st century.

Well I said a ton and this is really long now so I’m gonna assume you all get my thoughts on this episode. 9.5/10, really awesome, totally unexpected but perfectly suted to Mimi. I’m so so happy this show seems to have figured things out and remebered that it’s supposed to be freaking Digimon Adventure, it seemed like it forgot for a while there. I just hope we haven’t wasted too much time on those more lackluster episodes, I want so many more stories like this one.

Next week looks like another winner:

OK, that concept is hilarious x’D I’m so sorry. But also, leave it to Yamato and Gabumon to get the tragedy episode.

The mood maker will be this guy! I’m totally psyched for Yamato and Jou. Taichi’s been important in the past two episodes even though they were centered on Koushirou and Mimi, so I wonder if/when he’ll be involved this time? Or maybe it really will be just Yamato and Jou - my dream combo?? I can’t wait either way.

DID NOT CHECK FOR TYPOS! See y’all next week.

[carrigerpigeon]

On THE ENFORCER ENIGMA

Okay, y’all.

We need to talk about The Enforcer Enigma because I have many, many problems with it.

I’ve been sitting on my feelings for this book for a month or so, after I got my ARC of it and I read it. It’s been hard to decide what I was going to say, how I was going to approach this. Like I’ve said before, my relationship with Gail exists in a liminal space between fan and friend, and is even more complicated than that.

I’ve decided, as both a fan AND friend, that I can’t ignore the problems in this book.

Which is where this post comes from.

When I first I heard it was dealing with the Selkie mob I was excited, because I loved how ridiculous they were in the short story and I think the concept is gloriously ludicrous. But this book overall felt very contrived, very basic, and very tone deaf in a racist way. The gay boys felt objectified and cookie cutter, and the racist treatment of Judd made me very, very upset.

I’m going to get to my issues with the treatment of Judd, as best as I can as a white person with a lot to learn, but I want to start with something I am able to speak better on, and that’s the gay characters in this book.

So let’s get into it. Spoilers, obviously, and lots of talk about systematic racism and homophobia, antiblackness, stereotypes, etc.

(Also, Gail, since you follow me on this blog and I know you’ll probably see this—READ THE WHOLE THING. Think about it. And then if you’d like to talk about it, you know how to contact me.)

This is going behind a cut, not because of the content but because it’s almost 6 pages long.

The Gay Boys

Okay. Look.

I love a catty, fabulous gay boy as much as the next queer. They have a space and a place in our community. But not EVERY gay man is like this IRL. Meanwhile, in SAS, it feels like every gay male character (or close to) in this series is a waspy, catty, faaaabulous gay. Isaac, Marvin, Max, Trick, even to some extent Alec and Bryan…they’re just all the exhausting waspy, catty, fabulous gay boy that we see exhibited heavily on Drag Race and other mainstream platforms.

And like. I get it. Colin is repressed and gay and wants to be a fabulous twink. That’s fine. But it just felt like he was slipping into the stereotype all the other gay male characters inhabit in these books, and that’s really, really exhausting.

Also, I am from the East Coast, where according to my West Coast friends we apparently grow gay boys differently. I can’t say with any accuracy how much of this is true. BUT MOST OF THESE GAY BOYS ARE FROM THE EAST COAST. They lived in Boston before moving to California. So why are they like this?

It feeds into this larger trend I’ve seen in Gail’s word with fabulous, savage gay boys—from Akeldama and all his drones, to Biffy, and even Lyall. Seen over the spread, it’s harder to sweep it away as just a “modern storyline” thing or a “California storyline” thing. It’s a trend, one which I find very uncomfortable as a queer person.

There is a place and space for Queer people to take back the tropes and stereotypes that have been used against us and write them our own way. But what I’ve seen as a longtime reader isn’t that. What I seem is lazy stereotyping and an overarching stereotype and characterization that feed into the larger the ways I feel gay men are objectified by female authors (no matter how queer the author is).

Many more people have covered this topic better than I, but it explains why I’ve felt so uneasy about this series from the get go. The sex and the relationships in these books don’t feel real—it feels objectifying. There’s lots of talk about big and strong sexy, muscle-y men but very little else. And while there is something to say about having a partner who thinks you’re sexy—that’s important, and I want everyone to have that…. this isn’t that.

These are muscle-y, strong, sassy gay men for cis white women to coo over on Facebook and feel good about. But to me, a real life nonbinary queer person, I feel uneasy and frankly uncomfortable with the objectification of them.

And since we’re talking about queer representation, after having a decent wlw spread in the Parasolverse there are two WLW (specifically lesbians) in SAS (Trickle and Pepper) and they (a) barely get any screen time and (b) feel stereotypical to me. And they are side characters, so I get it, but seriously?

And also while we’re on queer representation, there’s Mana, aka Manifest Destiny. Mana is the drag queen and arguable trans woman* who started off alright BUT was named after the colonization and violent taking of Native and Indigenous people’s lands and wrapped up in patriotism. Gail has said she made a mistake, that she meant her name to be Mana From Heaven, and that this would be addressed in the upcoming book (aka The Enforcer Engima).

It was not.

There is talk, from what I understand, this issue will be addresses in the upcoming short story about Mana and Lovejoy. But there are several throwaway lines about Mana in this book, her work in LA and her becoming a drag queen superstar (I guess akin to RuPaul?). So why wasn’t her name change discussed or even mentioned there?

[*Sidebar: Mana has been quoted as saying, “I suppose I should be transgender, under modern parlance. But I like drag queen. It suits me. I like the fabric roughness of drag, and the royalty of queen. It's a nice change to have the luxury of choosing one's own semantics, if not one's own situation." But whenever she appears, it seems she’s always in face/wearing false eyelashes/wearing women’s clothing.

I’m not going to police Mana’s trans experience because gender is a spectrum, and I as someone under the trans umbrella know that. But it feels…weird and off to me.]

Regardless of my sidebar, the name she was supposed to have, Manna from Heaven is…also sort of problematic? If I understand the reference correctly, it refers to the Biblical story of the food that God miraculously provided to the Israelites as they wandered in the wilderness. It means as a phrase the coming of unexpected benefit or assistance, especially when that benefit/assistance comes at the time when it is needed most. Which is what Mana is for the pack—she lets them live in her apartment in Book 1, she swoops in to save the day in Book 2. But it feels…very white and more than a little gross to name a character with Chinese and Japanese ancestry after something from the Bible.

And then there’s Judd.

Oh, Judd.

I really wanted to like Judd. The premise of his character was interesting, a Black, Pre-Saturation werewolf shifter, and I liked his cameos in the other books. But then we got a book about him, and it all fell apart.

Judd is a gay Black character, pre-Saturation, meaning he’s old as hell (from the Parasolverse time). He is objectified like the other gay boys, and there’s a lot of talk about how hard and strong his muscles and how sexy he is. He’s depicted on the cover this way.

And that’s…fine I guess, but gay Black men frequently have their bodies objectified as Black and muscley and strong. He’s also a pack Enforcer, so he’s depicted as not very smart and very violent. All of those are racist stereotypes that Black men deal with constantly, and they are racist stereotypes and tropes that are constantly hurled at Black men by the system and by society.

Additionly, Judd, the only Black member of the pack, is the only werewolf in the series to carry a gun.

A Black man. Is the only member. To carry a gun.

Yeah.

It gets worse.

There is mention of Judd’s backstory—very heavy inferences to Phineas/Soap (whose problematic naming convention and descriptors have been talked about especially by jhenne-bean ) being his mentor until he gets kicked out of Sidheag’s pack—but it falls very flat. I understand not wanting to write too much history of a Black character as a white writer, especially after tenuously connecting that history to the traditionally published series you’re Not Connected SAS To Not At All….

But.

Judd is over 150 years old.

He lived through some of America and Canada's worst racial discrimination, discrimination which would have affected him and his habitus and the way he moves through the world. He’s a gay Black man, and his gayness and his Blackness does not appear to affect how he interacts with the world at all. The police are called at the beginning and he’s OKAY ABOUT IT? AS A BLACK MAN? He basically says, “Thank God, the cops are here.”

You had a BLACK MALE CHARACTER SAY THAT when we’ve had a nationwide conversation since 2013, a conversation that has been reignited in the past three months?

Like????

And I was willing—perhaps whitely and naively—to give Gail the benefit of the doubt with Soap/Phineas. E&E was written in 2011, before Black Lives Matter was founded, before we began to have this nationwide reckoning with how Black and brown folks are treated systematically and especially by police violence. These conversations were definitely being had in 2011, but they were seen as fringe discussions and not necessarily part of the mainstream narrative as it is today.

However. It’s not 2011. It’s 2020.

It’s been 7 years since BLM was founded, and there have been countless discussions happening about racism and systematic issues in publishing and with white writers writing Black characters since that point.

Soap/Phineas has been mentioned or has cameo’d in The Custard Protocol and in Meat Cute. There’s been no conversation about his name or the way he has been described  And both he and Judd fall into the Caring-POC-Partner trope which has been discussed very heavily in romance circles and in ways I am not necessarily equipped to discuss in this post. But I will link to this post for everyone to read: https://medium.com/@ashiamonetb/queer-love-interests-of-color-and-the-white-gaze-8928b7b5e6ad

It’s 2020. These conversations have been being had, quite fervently, for many years, so there’s absolutely no excuse with how Judd is approached or treated in this book.

And here’s the CRUX of all this.

This book isn’t even really about Judd.

It’s about Colin.

Even though Judd is on the cover of the book, in all of his objectified Black body goodness, the plot of the story is about Colin. It’s very much entrenched in Colin’s issues with his family and his identity. Judd is there to take care of Colin and ~guide~ him and ~teach~ him things. To protect him. To be sexy to him.

See the medium article above. See the conversation about objectification above.

So if this book is SO MUCH ABOUT COLIN, why is Judd on the cover?

Why is Judd naked and glistening and Black on the cover of the story about the trials and tribulations of a white twink?

…Do I really have to say it? Maybe I do. It’s racist.

It might not be intended that way, but it is.

And look. There were parts of this book that I found enjoyable. I am still a fan of Gail’s wit and the way she writes. I’m a sucker for the found family trope, which all of these books have, and I really like Trick and Marvin. I’ve been where Colin is. I’ve fucked around with my gender presentation and been scared to out and fabulous or be perceived a certain way because I present a certain way.

But I’m really frustrated and frankly ANGRY with the racist stereotypes and gay stereotypes present in this book. It doesn’t feel like this was sensitivity read at all, by anyone. The book feels like a culmination of racist and homophobic trends that make me feel that Gail hasn’t been paying attention or listening to the cultural reckoning happening nationwide or in publishing.

And yes, there is a lot of “don’t idolize authors” talk, but here’s the thing.

Gail isn’t some anonymous author to me, someone I can just cancel and be done with.

Gail is a mentor to me. We’ve hung out at multiple cons, shot the shit about publishing, and talked about queer shit together with. We aren’t close, but she’s a friend (liminal space, etc). She gets a Christmas card from me every year, she asks after my partner when we chat. We’ve been in each other’s orbits for TEN YEARS.

I have this entire sideblog dedicated to her books, for fucks sake.

So when I read shit like this, it makes me upset. This book is a pile of microaggressions that stacked into a macroagression. It’s insensitive, definitely hurtful, and feels exceptionally tone deaf (AT BEST) to have written and released this book.

She has people in her inner circle who could have caught this if we’d been allowed to read it before hand, if we’d been a part of the beta process. But we weren’t. And it shows.

Gail, this is a message directly for you: You talk a lot about supporting people. You reblog lots of #ownvoices work and have been plugging a lot of #ownvoices fiction. I know (or at least hope) you’re a good person.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

Why is this book such a disaster?

Have you been listening at all?

And I get it, we all have things to learn and things to unlearn. As white ally, and as a member of the queer community, as someone in your inner circle and as a friend (liminal space!), I get it.

I’m also saying this isn’t ok.

This book that you’ve written is not okay. Not even a little bit.

Here’s the thing: you can fix it (or you can try). It’s gonna be hard and require difficult conversations and actions, but you can.

If you want to know more, if you want to talk: you know how to contact me. I’ll give you my number. We can email, Skype, Zoom, text, call, whatever. I know I’m not the only member of the Pigeons that feels this way. You have people here to help.

As for everyone else:

As might be apparent I have…a lot of feelings right now. I’ve loved these books for so long, made a friend (liminal space!) with the author through social media. Genevieve Lefoux, and Sidheag, and Aggie, and lots of other characters mean a lot to me. Gail’s books have helped me through hard times and hard places, and she’s influenced a lot of whom I am as a writer.

But right now having this blog, dedicated to all these books with this massive subthread of racism and stereotypes, feels…not great.

And I don’t know if I can continue to support Gail and continue to be a fan (and a friend) if she keeps up with this.

[selanpike]

Abandoned Trollcops/Problem Sleuth fic

i’m bored so i’m posting this old trollcops concept i wrote a couple years ago

i meant to have it be this big sprawling thing, including all the trolls and the beta kids and team sleuth and the crew, but it was way too big for me, so all i ended up writing was the first three chapters--basically, the intros for sleuth, pickle and ace. 

i don’t plan to return to it. i still can’t get my head around the whole thing. but i like what i wrote, and maybe you might like it too? so here u go.

Chapter One

Spending any amount of time with Spades Slick is dangerous at best, you knew that. You also knew that you were making things worse by spending so much time with him, but you were counting on bruises and stab wounds, not this.

The interrogation room is sickeningly bright. The lights make it impossible to know what time it is outside. You know it was close to sunrise when they brought you in, but you’re not sure how long you’ve been here. Even the ticking of a clock would be a welcome reprieve from this boredom. You wish they’d just throw the book at you already.

The door finally opens, creaking a little as it does so. Apparently the Alternia Police Department can’t even afford a can of WD-40. Two officers walk in. You recognize them from your various interactions with the police in the past few years--Sergeants Terezi Pyrope and Sollux Captor. Sergeant Pyrope pulls up a chair and sits down at the table across from you, lacing her fingers together. You can’t read her expression through her opaque red glasses. You’ve heard that she’s blind, but she seems to stare right through you.

“Problem Thleuth.” Sergeant Captor reads from your file, standing behind his partner. “Thirty-five yearth old. Prothpitian. Failed out of polithe academy at age twenty-four. Ith that right?”

“I wouldn’t say failed,” you say, choosing your words carefully. “I jus’ didn’t like how y’all--I mean. I wasn’t a fan ‘f the bureaucracy.”

“Is that so,” Terezi says.

You nod.

“So you dropped out and became a private investigator,” she says. “Is that right?”

“You know the answer to that,” you say, rubbing your temples. “Don’t pretend like we’re strangers.”

The silence that breaks out is painful. You run a hand through your hair, quietly wondering if your hat is okay, wherever they’ve taken it. Why the hell did they take your hat? What sort of monsters would mess with a man’s hat? This sort of shit is why you could never cut it as a cop.

“You’re charged with being an accessory to arson,” Pyrope tells you. 

“Do me a favor ‘n arrest th’ guy who actually did th’ arson-ing,” you mutter.

“The alleged perpetrator is one Thpades Thlick,” Captor says, reading the file. “Damn, man. Thpades, really?”

“I ain’t an accessory t’ nothin’ that asshole does,” you say, slamming a hand on the table. “I was tryin’a stop that goddamn arson!”

“We have multiple witnethheth who thay they thaw you making out with the thuthpect before the fire broke out,” Captor says.

You wilt under their stares.

“I was tryin’a distract ‘im,” you say, weakly. “He’s a dangerous customer, after all. ‘S the ol’ honey pot maneuver, y’know?”

“It didn’t work,” Pyrope says, grinning her sharp-toothed grin. 

“N--no,” you admit.

Sergeant Captor hands Pyrope the file, and she makes a show of flipping through it. It’s a pointless gesture since you know damn well she can’t read it. You try to look at what’s written on the pages, but she pulls the file away so she can give it a good long sniff. You slump over, leaning your arms on the table, thinking about how fucked you are, and what you’re going to do to Slick to get back at him for this. They’ll put you away for ages for this, you just know it. The APD have never been fans of yours, and you’re sure they’ve been waiting for the opportunity to put you away. 

You jump when Pyrope snaps the folder shut. She puts it down on the table, sliding it to the edge.

“I’m going to admit,” she says, slowly. “That, considering your history of making trouble, we took this opportunity to get a warrant to search your office.”

“You--you what?!”

“Well, the thusthpect is thtill on the looth,” Captor explains, and you wonder if you punch him hard enough if he’ll stop with that goddamn lisp. “We had to check and thee if there were any clueth ath to hith whereaboutth.”

“And what did you find, huh?” You’re raging mad now, and you aren’t bothering to hide it. “A whole bunch of jack shit. Or are you going to charge me with possession of a deadly writing implement or something?”

The two of them stare at you for a moment, and then Pyrope pulls a photo from her jacket. She places it in front of you. It shows your evidence wall, a large corkboard you’ve set up in your office to collect clues in the murder you’re investigating.

“So, what? You gonna charge me with murderin’ th’ District Attorney now?”

Pyrope and Captor look at each other, then back at you.

“We’ve been investigating the DA’s death too,” Pyrope says. “But we haven’t turned up a thing.”

“And here you are,” Captor adds. “With evidenthe we never even thought to look for.”

You grin a little. “Oh darlin’s, are you jealous?”

“We know Kingpin was behind it,” Pyrope says, and her voice is uncharacteristically devoid of humor. “Like he’s behind every other high-profile murder in this city. I’m sick of him making a mockery of this force.”

“Stop bein’ such a joke, then.”

 She stands up, slamming her hands on the table. “Take this seriously!”

You raise your eyebrows and wait for her to get to the point.

“We’re willing to offer you a deal,” she says. “We’ll ignore this latest… indiscretion, and you’ll help us put Kingpin behind bars.”

You laugh.

You can’t believe they’re actually coming to you for help. How many times have they impeded your investigations? How many times have they told you to buzz off, leave this to the real cops? How many times have they told judges not to accept your evidence, or straight up confiscated your evidence and claimed they found it themselves? And now they want you to help them?

“Sorry, sorry,” you say, still chuckling. “I musta misheard. Y’ couldn’t possibly be askin’ for my help. I mean, I ain’t a cop or nothin’. I ain’t got no authority.”

“Don’t be a jackathh,” Captor snaps.

“This is in your best interest,” Pyrope says. “You are, after all, still under arrest.”

She does sorta have you, there.

---

You have your hat back when Sergeant Captor takes you outside, to the back of the department. The sun has definitely risen by now, and you’re treated to all the sounds of the city waking up.

“Thith whole thing ith completely off the record,” Captor tells you as he closes the door behind him. “Honethtly, I think it’th dumb ath hell, but at leatht if you get into trouble, nobody’ll blame uth.”

“As long as I don’t trail it back to you,” you add.

“Obviouthlly,” Captor says. He pulls out his phone and types into it. “But we need one of ourth with you. Making thure you’re not fucking up too bad.”

“I’d really prefer we skipped that part,” you say, fixing your hair and trying to find just that right angle at which to wear your hat. “I don’t need no cops following me everywhere. It’ll slow me down.”

“Think of it like exthtra security,” Captor says, still typing into his phone.

The door opens and a short troll walks over, hands shoved in his pockets. He isn’t wearing a uniform, save for a badge he has hanging on a lanyard over a ratty red hoodie. He approaches you and Captor, then squints at you.

“I know you,” he says.

“I get around,” you reply.

“You’re that drunk fucknut that’s always making a scene in Crew territory.”

“Guilty as charged. Y’all’re jus’ gettin’ me on ev’rythin’ t’day!” You nudge Captor. “Sorry officer, looks like y’ gotta charge me for another crime.”

Captor groans and rolls his eyes. He slaps the newcomer on the back and mutters, “Good fucking luck,” before heading back inside.

You wait for the door to click shut before you say, brightly as you can manage, “The name’s Problem Sleuth. Solicitations for my services are--”

“I’m sorry, do I look like someone who gives a fuck?”

You drop the friendly act. “What’s your name, kid?”

“Vantas,” He says. “Karkat Vantas. I’m the undercover guy. I figure I got stuck with this because they figured I could tell the Captain I’m investigating you.”

“‘N I’m sure she’ll buy it,” you add.

“Yeah.” He sniffs, and looks you over in more detail. “I don’t think I’m the only one they’re gonna hand you. I know for sure they said they’re putting my partner, Nepeta, on this case too.”

You rub your face. “Great. Good. More cops, beautiful.”

He asks for your phone, and you exchange numbers. You then tell him to find something else to do with his day, because you’re going home and going the fuck to bed. This investigation can wait until tomorrow. 

---

It’s well after 8am by the time you get home, and all you want to do is sleep for ten years. Pickle and Ace will bitch about you not being at the office, but you can’t bring yourself to care. They’re already going to bitch when they hear about this new arrangement, so what’s a little more?

Unfortunately when you walk in, you find Spades Slick rummaging through your refrigerator.

You toss your keys onto the table and sit down. He turns around, cold pizza hanging out of his mouth, and slams the fridge door shut behind him. 

“I figured they’d have ya’ in th’ slammer a few weeks,” he explains through a mouthful of pizza. “So y’ wouldn’t mind if I ate yer food ‘fore it went bad.”

“Y’ couldn’t possibly post bail for me?”

“Fuck no. Who do y’ think y’ are, my Crew?” He moves his mug of coffee from the counter to the kitchen table, and then sits down across from you. “So who’d y’ call. Th’ stickbug? Did ‘e hafta give up his booze fund for th’ month?”

“No, nothin’ like that,” you say, reaching over and taking the coffee. Obviously sleep isn’t happening anytime soon, so what the hell. “They let me off.”

There’s a loud clatter as Slick’s chair falls over, and a knife is at your throat. It always amazes you how fast he is. You raise your hands in a conciliatory manner as he snarls at you.

“You fuckin’ snitched, didn’t you?”

“Slick, my most precious of darlin’s,” you say. “I would snitch on you all day, ev’ry day. But that ain’t what happened.”

“Bullshit!” The knife presses harder against your neck, and you feel blood beading along the blade. “Th’ APD don’ jus’ let people go, ‘specially not when they been with me. Th’ fuck did you do?”

“They hired me.”

He looks at you like you just sprouted a second head. He doesn’t move the knife at all.

You go on. “They’re investigatin’ Kingpin. They wanted my help.”

He finally pulls the knife away, but he doesn’t sit back down. “Great. Jus’ what I need.”

“Yeah, Slick,” you say, sipping the coffee. You’re not surprised that it tastes like shit. Slick probably isn’t used to brewing his own. That’s what he has lackeys for. “It’s exactly what you need. You want Kingpin outta th’ way? Jus’ let me ‘n the cops handle it.”

“Kingpin’s mine,” he growls.

“‘Scuse you.” You put the mug down. “‘M sorry, but did you know th’ stiff we found last week? No. Fuck no, y’ didn’t, ‘cause he was th’ law, ‘n he was my fuckin’ friend, not yours. Kingpin’s mine. He owns this fuckin’ apartment, my fuckin’ office, he’s got me by th’ balls without even tryin’ ‘n he murdered th’ DA ‘n none’f that’s got anythin’ t’ do with you.”

Slick narrows his eye at you, before pocketing his knife and stealing the mug back. He chugs the coffee down. 

“Fuck you,” he says, slamming the mug back onto the table. “I’ll do it my fuckin’ self.”

“Right,” you say as Slick grabs his jacket and makes for the door. “So I guess I’ll see ya’ tomorrow, then?”

He grunts in response, and slams the door behind him as he leaves.

You know he’ll be back. Partly because you know he can’t resist making your life miserable--the two of you have been caught up in your fucked up little dance for too long, and he’s not about to give that up--but also partly because you know he can’t take down Kingpin on his own. He’s tried for months to do things his way, to just murder his rival crime boss, but Kingpin is careful, and he’s elusive. In the end, the best way to go about bringing him down is to turn the city against him, to get the law on your side. If you can get an arrest warrant on him you can have the whole of the city’s resources helping you track him down. You could freeze his assets, plaster his face on every bulletin board in town. You’ll leave him no place to hide.

You’re going to do it. Your name is Problem Sleuth, and you are going to bring down Mobster Kingpin’s criminal empire.

The APD are definitely going to steal the credit when it’s all said and done, though, and that fact makes you sick to your stomach.

Chapter Two

> Be Pickle Inspector.

You feel as though you’re being punished for Sleuth’s poor life choices.

Nepeta Leijon is a new hire at the APD. She, and her friend Karkat, used to be common criminals. Pickpockets, for the most part, although you remember seeing a few other items on their rap sheet. You’d encountered them once or twice. Never up close--their crimes were never complicated enough to necessitate your intervention--but they’d show up sometimes as witnesses.

Uncooperative witnesses.

You were aware of their being hired. Something about the APD seeing them as valuable assets for undercover investigations. You see the logic, but you’ve never been a fan of undercover operations. You stand out too much. You’re too tall, too gaunt, too recognizable. Your preferred method has always been surveillance. You set up cameras and wiretaps all over the city, in all the seedier bars and meeting spaces. Nothing escapes your omniscient ogle.

Nothing except Kingpin. He’s careful. He doesn’t discuss anything important on the phone, least of all the phones in any of his businesses. You can’t figure out where he lives or where he holds any of his most secret of meetings. Even if you could, he always has too many guards patrolling his places, making it impossible for you to sneak in and plant anything.

It was infuriating before, but now with the death of the DA it’s got you on the end of your rope. And now they want you to babysit this rookie cop? How the hell are you supposed to get anything done?

You asked Sleuth what he did to invite this upon you, but he won’t tell you. You suspect Slick was involved. Slick is always involved these days. 

You have a solution to this problem, though. Well, not to the Sleuth-Slick problem, there’s no solving that, but the Nepeta problem was easy: let her work on transcribing your recordings so the two of you can finish them twice as fast. It leaves you with just enough free time to make tea and doodle in the margins of your notes. 

You’re halfway through a wonderful drawing of a horse wearing a bonnet when your phone rings. You have specific ringtones for every person who calls you often enough, and you put your head in your hands when you hear this one. Nepeta notices, and watches you as you sigh and answer the phone.

“I’m busy enough,” you whine into the receiver.

“That’s a shame,” says the smooth, dark voice of Diamonds Droog. “And here I had something I thought you’d be interested in.”

“What is it?” you ask.

“Meet me on the corner of 34th and Feldings,” he says.

“D--do I have to?” you say, clicking your pen. “Can’t you just, just tell me? On the phone? Like a normal person? I p-promise the line’s secure.”

“34th and Feldings,” he says again. “Now.”

He hangs up. You put your phone down, put your head on your desk, and groan loudly. Why is this your life? All you wanted to do today was transcribe audio logs and not interact with anybody. You even packed a lunch so you wouldn’t have to go out and talk to any fast food workers. 

Without your realizing it, Nepeta has picked up your phone and unlocked it. You make a mental note to change the passkey and not let her see you input it next time. “Diamonds Dickhead?” She makes an exaggeratedly surprised face, and puts your phone back on the desk. “Is that who I think it is?”

You stand up and fix your tie. “I have to go out.”

“Oh! Let me get my coat.”

“No.” You grab your own coat, put it on, and start buttoning it. You make a deliberate effort to put the buttons in the right holes, and you’re secretly glad you haven’t had much to drink yet today. “S--stay here and, and keep transcribing.”

“I’m paws-itively sure that’s super important,” she says, putting extra emphasis on her pun. You’ve noticed that she likes cat puns. In less infuriating circumstances, you’d think it was cute. “But I’m not here to help you so much as to watch you.”

You smooth your hair out and put your hat on. “That’s a terrible idea. N-no, you should just stay here, and not tell a soul I went out. U--unless I don’t come back. Then tell Sleuth. Understood?”

She grins a catlike grin and says, “Nope!”

Droog is never going to let you hear the end of this.

---

34th street is where his tailor is, so Diamonds Droog didn’t have to go out of his way to meet you. It is also clear on the other side of town relative to your office, so you had to go especially out of your way to meet him.

This is par for the course, and you make an effort not to look exhausted when you get there.

He’s waiting for you on a street bench outside his tailor’s, smoking one of his expensive cigarettes. You approach him, but don’t look at him directly. You stand behind the bench, facing away from him, pretending to read a bulletin board. Nepeta follows along, but she sneaks a few glances at Droog when she thinks you aren’t looking.

He breathes out a long puff of smoke before speaking. “Is the detective business so bad that you had to take up babysitting?”

“I n--needed the second job to, to support my tea habit,” you respond.

“That’s a funny way to say whiskey.”

“Oh, no. I steal that all from m-my boss. You see, he has a wealthy patron with a vested interest in, in keeping him too drunk to make good decisions.” You lean back onto the bench, crossing your arms. “I’m s-sure you don’t know anything about that.”

“I’m sure I don’t. Can she leave?”

“I don’t know.” You look down at Nepeta. “C-can you leave?”

“I can, yeah,” she says.

“A--are you going to?”

She shakes her head.

“Sorry,” you say to Droog. “It’s a, a long story.”

He pauses and takes another drag from his cigarette. He taps some ash out on the ground, then reaches into his jacket pocket. You have just enough time to hope that he isn’t pulling out a weapon with which to kill the witness you’ve brought along, before he pulls out a couple of photographs. He passes them to you. They all depict various old-looking artifacts. You’re pretty sure you’ve seen some of these in the museum.

“All of these have gone missing in the past month,” Droog explains. “Obvious signs of a break-in, but no evidence pointing to a culprit.”

“D--do you think Kingpin was involved?”

“Absolutely.”

You scrutinize the photos further, and notice that all the artifacts share a theme. Every one of them either depicts a horrorterror, or symbols associated with said terrors. “This, um. It looks like your sort of thing.”

“Hardly,” he says. “The four of us get our magic from the Terrors, but we don’t need trinkets like this to channel Their powers. They give it to us freely.” He illustrates this by producing a small purple flame in his hand. “Kingpin, though. He’s Prospitian, like you. He doesn’t have the connection to the Terrors that we Dersites have.”

You think about that as you pocket the photos. “Do you think he’s trying to make a pact with the Terrors?”

“Perhaps,” he says, extinguishing the flame. “It’s possible he’s seen what we can do and wants that power for himself. I doubt he’ll be successful.”

You wonder whether it would be possible for a Prospitian to make a pact with the dark gods. You’re almost tempted to let Kingpin try, just to get an answer. It’s not your best idea. If nothing else, these robberies give you one more thread you can follow in your attempts to get any charge at all to stick to him.

“I’ll look into this,” you tell him. “Call me if--if you hear anything.”

“As usual,” he says, before standing up.

He smooths out his suit, throws his cigarette to the ground and snubs it out with his heel. Without once looking at you, he strolls away. Nepeta waits until he’s out of earshot before she says, “You know, Mister Detective, you don’t act much like a detective.”

“H--how’s that?”

“All the wiretapping, and purr-tive meetings with shady guys,” she says. “You’re more like a spy.”

You let out a small laugh. “Don’t say that one to the others. They’ll start coming up with spy names for me.”

“Pickle Inspector’s okay for a spy name,” she says. You start walking, and she follows you. She has to trot a little to match your walking stride. “Spies don’t put ‘spy’ right in the name! It’s too conspicuous.”

You’re enjoying this flight of fancy, despite yourself. “I’ll need to imagine up some clever gadgets, to uh, to get me out of pinches.”

“And you’ll need a car,” she says. “A fancy one, that turns into a submeowrine.”

“And a, a dangerous love interest,” you add.

“Oh? You don’t have that already?” She grins up at you. “You and Diamonds Dickhead had an awful lot of chemistry. You aren’t caliginous?”

“What?” You shove your hands in your pockets and look towards the street. “No. Obviously not. Th-th-that’s just, just gross, ew.”

She giggles, and you don’t like the knowing look she gives you. You reach into your jacket, produce a flask, and take a long gulp. It doesn’t help your mood any. It just reminds you of the last time Droog caught you drinking in the middle of the day, and had the audacity to call you “pathetic”, as if lots of people don’t drink before noon on a weekday.

She’s still giving you that look. Fuck.

“A--anyway, the, the case,” you stutter, trying to get back on the subject of work.

“I know somebody,” she says. “That might help.”

“Who?”

She shrugs. “Old friend of mine. She knows all sorts of things about old stuff like what got stolen.”

“That would be, it’d be really useful,” you say.

“I’ll call her when she gets off work,” Nepeta says, adjusting her hat. “In the meantime we can get back to listening to your wiretaps. The part I was on was pretty juicy.”

You’re relieved she’s so easily given up the subject of Droog and gotten back to the task at hand. She might, despite your initial misgivings, be useful to have around.

“I’ve also started a shipping chart for everyone you’re surveilling,” she adds.

After she explains to you what a shipping chart is, you are simultaneously horrified, and intrigued at the new avenues this gives you when cataloguing and interpreting your data.

Chapter three.

> Be Ace Dick.

Once upon a time, you were a police detective. You like to give Sleuth shit over his lack of occupational experience, but he seems to think that his two weeks of police academy are all he could need. For someone who brags about his charisma, he really doesn’t understand the importance of making connections.

You haven’t been working on the Kingpin case with Sleuth and Pickles. You think they’re out of their league. Kingpin’s ruled this city since Sleuth and Pickles were still in grade school, they didn’t stand a chance. So while they ran around on their fool’s errand, you were out hitting the pavement, solving more sensible cases and keeping the agency afloat. Sergeant Pyrope was a rookie when you left the force, but she remembers you. Whenever you have a case that requires some APD know-how, you hit her up. There’s a little diner next door to the station that’s popular with the coppers, and that’s where she meets you to give you the low-down on some two-bit drug dealer who skipped out on a debt.

You buy her a second coffee once she’s said her piece and you’ve finished writing it all down. Then you tuck your notepad back into your coat pocket and say, “So I heard y’ gave Sleuth a job.”

She shrugs, grinning. “It should be worth a laugh. He always says he can do better than us, so let’s see it!”

You shake your head. “Here ‘m always tryin’ to tell him to stay off that case, and you’re just eggin’ him on.”

“So you’re not going to help?” she asks, before taking a sip of coffee.

“Hell no,” you say. “I quit the force to get away from that malarkey. You at least payin’ him?”

She laughs. “Do you think he’s going to ask?”

“He damn well will, because I’m goin’ to tell him to,” you say, jabbing a finger at her. She can’t see the gesture but she usually can tell that you’re doing one. You’re not sure if she hears the movement or somehow smells it. You don’t know how her weird sense of smell works. “We got rent to pay, missy. If he’s runnin’ around chasin’ Kingpin he isn’t doing other cases.”

“We’ll have to set up a collection,” she says. “I’ll put a little can in the break room. ‘Pay Mister Candy Corn’s rent’.”

Detective Vriska Serket walks over, whacking your hat off your head as she passes you to sit next to Terezi. “Can’t be too much, right? Doesn’t he live in a cardboard box?”

“That sounds right,” Terezi says. “But in this city that’s what, 500 bucks a month?”

“Depends on how new the box is, probably,” Vriska responds.

Terezi nods. “Either way, Kingpin owns it so it is absolutely drafty and leaks in the rain.”

“I’m not opposed to makin’ jabs at my dumbass not-boss,” you say as you straighten your hat out. “But I’m serious. You’re payin’ him. And Pickles too, if you got him involved.”

“We do,” Terezi says. “He’s got poor Nepeta bored to tears.”

“That’s a lie,” Vriska says, taking Terezi’s coffee and putting it in front of herself. “She started writing fanfiction about those counterfeiters on seventieth street. I’m going to try and convince her to submit it as evidence.”

“While that is hilarious, don’t. The Captain doesn’t need to know about any of this.” Terezi takes her coffee back and chugs down the remainder before Vriska can make another attempt. She coughs. 

“Now there’s an idea,” you say. “If you don’t pay up, I’ll go let Captain Peixes know what you’ve been up to.”

“Why Ace,” Terezi says, leaning forward. “Are you threatening me?”

“Might be.”

“Maybe if the Captain finds out she’ll get embarrassed enough to put me on the case,” Vriska says.

“Gettin’ tired of solvin’ murders?” you ask.

She throws her arms up in the air. “The only interesting crimes are the mob ones! All the regular crimes are just dumb shit, there’s usually a witness or a camera or something, there’s no challenge!”

“I thought you liked racking up wins,” Terezi said.

“I fucking love racking up wins,” Vriska says. “But I want ones worth my time. Kingpin’s the biggest baddie there is, I gotta get in on that.”

“Maybe you should let her follow Sleuth instead of that angry kid,” you say to Terezi.

She snickers. “No, I’d give her to Tootsie Roll Frankenstein.”

Vriska slaps the table. “You think you’re kidding around but I’d love having that guy work for me! He’ll do all the tedious boring shit so I have more time to pound pavement and beat in faces.”

“I’m glad you appreciate Pickles’ special sort of appeal.” You stand up, straightening out your suit. “Thanks for the tip, Pyrope. Now please stop takin’ advantage of my teammates.”

She salutes at you, and it’s dripping with irony. “No, I don’t think I will. You’re welcome to come get taken advantage of, though!”

“Fat chance,” you scoff, getting out your wallet. You pull out a few bills, enough to pay for your coffee and Terezi’s, and drop them on the table. “Take care of yourselves, ladies.”

“Tell Sleuth if he gets evicted I just got a washing machine and he might fit in the box if he gets on all fours!” Vriska calls as you leave the diner. You hear the two girls snickering behind you.

They laugh, but you know the APD’s pay is shit. You do much better for yourself working as a private dick. The lack of benefits are a kick in the nuts, but at least you don’t have to deal with all the paperwork and politics, and every now and then you got a client who paid you a ridiculous sum for some dumbass thing. Sleuth could do as well as you. He’s certainly got the sleuthing skills for it. He just keeps wasting his time worrying too much about justice and too little about the real world.

You figure he’ll learn eventually. Kids like him always do.

[medea10]

My Review of The Rising of the Shield Hero

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

Yeah, this warning because apparently I curse more than normal here. That should give you a fun indicator of what you’re in for.

Is this a joke? Is Medea really going to watch a recent Isekai anime?

No joke. I am. Yeah, since just about every Isekai I’ve ever watched was made before the year 2012, I thought it was time. And in case you’re not hip to the lingo, Isekai is where a random person is transported to a strange world (different from their’s) and go on an adventure. Things like Escaflowne, InuYasha, Fushigi Yugi, Kyou Kara Maou, and to a far-lesser extent, Sword Art Online! But because I haven’t watched anything made past 2012, and haven’t watched things like Konosuba, ReZero, or Overlord, my knowledge is shit and I should be ashamed.

So I’m going to start with one of 2019’s best animes, The Rising of the Shield Hero.

Naofumi Iwatani was checking out light novels when he was transported into another world. But unlike many other Isekais with this similar setup, Naofumi isn’t alone.

He and three other boys (from alternate timelines of Japan) are transported as well to the kingdom of Melromarc. These four boys are going to be the saviors of the kingdom as the “Four Cardinal Heroes” where they must combat against these entities known as “waves”. However, Naofumi is seen as the weakling from the very beginning due to being the holder of the shield (and is now known as the “Shield Hero”). But it goes even further than that! The king of Melromarc immediately shows his disdain for the shield hero due to the previous shield hero doing something to him. I don’t know what, just fuck the king. The kingdom, the other heroes, and the people of the kingdom did just about everything to Naofumi to make him feel like trash. If he was on fire, they wouldn’t even spit on him to put him out!

Being the lowest-level weapon user, no one will join his team and even if they did…they would swindle him, set him up for failure, and spread the worst lie you could ever lie about. But Naofumi can’t return home due to all four weapon users must be there until they defeat the waves. So Naofumi is stuck in a new world where literally everyone hates him or fears him.

That is until he buys a slave (named Raphtalia) and their EXP points can grow. Along the way, he obtains an egg that hatches into a filolial (later named Filo) who has the ability of turning into a human female. And every now and then, the second princess of Melromarc (named Melty) will come along with Naofumi. Trust me, she’s the nice one in that family.

Let’s watch the struggles and rising of the Shield Hero!

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: So this is licensed by Crunchyroll (but I think FUNimation dipped it’s cookie in this milk). I know these two companies divorced some time ago, but FUNimation sees no problem piggy-backing off of Crunchyroll when they get a hit. And yes, this got an English dub and because of that, YES I watched the whole thing dubbed! Done by the good folks in L.A.! I gotta say this was a well-done dub. Well, they did one thing right by hiring Erica Mendez to play Raphtalia. Just about everything Mendez plays is friggin’ gold! Here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

JAPANESE CAST: *Naofumi is played by Kaito Ishikawa (known for Kiawe on Pokemon SM, Genos on One Punch Man, Mitsuo on Golden Time, Urui on Tokyo Ghoul :re, Sakakibara on Assassination Classroom, and Rinne on Kyokai no Rinne)

*Raphtalia is played by Asami Seto (known for Officer Jenny on Pokemon SM, Mado on Tokyo Ghoul, Young Yukiatsu on Anohana, and Shizu Delta on Overlord)

*Filo is played by Rina Hidaka (known for Last Order on Index/Railgun, Ririchiyo on Inu x Boku SS, Kohane on xxxHOLiC, Silica on SAO, Nemesis on To Love Ru: Darkness, and Urara on Food Wars)

*Melty is played by Maaya Uchida (known for Norman on The Promised Neverland, Rikka on Chunibyo, Rui on Domestic Girlfriend, Frenda on Railgun, Yoshino on Food Wars, Irina on High School DxD, and Yusa on Charlotte)

ENGLISH CAST: *Naofumi is played by Billy Kametz (known for Jousuke/JoJo on Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Part IV, Osomatsu on Mr. Osomatsu, Metal Lee on Boruto, and Galo on Promare)

*Raphtalia is played by Erica Mendez (known for Ryuko on Kill la Kill, Haruka/Uranus on Sailor Moon redub, Emma on The Promised Neverland, Nico on Love Live, Yuuki on SAO II, and Tsubaki on Your Lie in April)

*Filo is played by Brianna Knickerbocker (known for Rem on Re:Zero, Akane on Durarara x2, Arisa on Love Live, Anna on The Promised Neverland, Iori on Charlotte, and Erica on Berserk 2016)

*Melty is played by Jackie Lastra (known for Conny on The Promised Neverland and Selka on SAO: Alicization)

FAVORITE CHARACTER: I know I’m gonna have fun with the next category, but I think I spent most of this series hating on several people where I forgot to pick a character I liked.

Well folks, I gotta say that I loved Raphtalia. And after her, Filo! Then Elhart, Queen Melromarc, Melty, and Fitoria! With the exception of Elhart, it’s all women! That’s rare! Don’t worry, there’s one woman that has received a restraining order from this category. On with the worst!

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

Y’all know what’s coming!

DISLIKED CHARACTER: Prior to watching this series, I have gotten several warnings about one particular character! Princess Malty or Myne, whatever people call her. This woman is despised throughout the anime community and even going so far as to say she’s on “horrible character” status left only to infamous characters like Griffith, Makoto Itou, and Shou Tucker. And I’m like, “WOW, what did she do, kill a pope?” I mean seriously, how bad could she possibly…?!

*one episode later*

FUCK THIS BITCH: Oh this bitch can burn at the stake for all I care! Yes, everyone else who treated Naofumi like shit can go jump off a bridge. Because I hold no sympathy for towns-idiots that treat a hero with no respect (as I’ve said before with One Punch Man and Dragon Ball Z)! But Myne just took that zero respect and pushed it to a crispy 425 degrees of fuck-roast! In the first episode, she seemed genuine with pitying Naofumi because no one would join his team. That didn’t even last a whole day. Myne ends up faking a rape by lying to the kingdom that Naofumi sexually assaulted her.

Faking a RAPE!

Faking a FUCKING RAPE!

Bitch, this is 2019 (I KNOW IT AIN’T THAT IN THIS KINGDOM, I’M JUST FUCKING PISSED). Faking a rape is a big, fat, NO-NO!

After he spends the little money he had on her to buy equipment, she double-crosses him by setting him up for immediate trouble and switches to the Spear-Hero side. Well fuck you too, you skank! Have fun with your dickhead Spear Hero. And may that be the last time I ever see you!

*several episodes later*

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! You cheating, lying, slut! Just when you think she can’t possibly get any worse, this bitch takes worse and shoves it off a fucking cliff. As if faking an assault wasn’t bad enough, screwing townspeople for your own gain is another story. She would take over a whole town and give no fucks if it’s destroyed by her or her fuck-face spear-hero. Add to that fuck-cake, every time you run into Naofumi, you find some way to screw him over time and time again. This bitch tampered with a fight between the shield and spear hero so that Naofumi could fail and they could steal his only team member away from him! You have your father, the church, your dickhead boy-toy of yours, and the royals wrapped around your little finger. Myne just continues to be worse than tainted peanut butter. I wish she would catch the worst STD imaginable and die a painful death!

*several more episodes later*

AAAAAAAH gabba da da ffuuuu worble BITCH FACE gararba fruznuss SET FIRE plskay adkkin aidnnlwjsnda UP DONALD TRUMP’S ASS galidamdh amoiejwm wwwaasosoh A POPCICLE! FUCK! AAkajrriaja DIDIA LEJHE KLHAEHAE FYUEEajejioqih3hv SSLLSHE3V ADKDKDDHEI333!!!!

Oh, you do not want a translation from my…whatever the fuck I just wrote. Just know that Princess Malty or Myne is worse than hemroids up the ass. I can’t believe this woman is still around, breathing and shit. Also, I���m tempted in re-writing my Top 10 Least Favorite Anime Character list because Myne would definitely be at #4 after Griffith from Berserk.

Okay…Okay…I think I’m calm now.

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE CUT THIS FUCKING CUNT’S HEAD OFF LIKE A CHICKEN IN CHINA TOWN?!

Now I’m calm! Now then…

ANYONE ELSE WHO NEEDS TO DIE IN THIS SERIES?: So obviously I hate Bitch and Trash (Myne and the King). And I have the same kind of respect for the townspeople who treat Naofumi like shit. I ain’t got time to be dealing with townsidiots again. But if there was anyone else that should get a mention of how much I want for them to be set on fire and I’ll just sit there drinking my ginger ale, it would be Motoyasu.

Now by no means do I hate him more than Miss Bitch over here. But I hate him on the same level as Shinji from the Fate series (which is now teetering on my top 10). I question why he’s still alive and why no one has introduced his face to a jagged boulder. Unlike the other heroes Ren and Itsuki, this guy has got a vendetta against Naofumi from the get-go. And this was like before the sexual alligations came about. After that incident, this fuckturd tries at every turn to make Naofumi’s life worse than it already is by stealing away his crew and challenging him every chance he gets. And when he’s not doing that, he’s screwing over the townspeople and doing very little to be a “hero” (which is his freakin’ title). Then again, Ren and Itsuki aren’t great heroes either, it’s just I really need to lay into Spear-Dick for the shit he’s done.

SHIPPING: Hmm…aaaaahhhh….eeeeee…urrrrggggh…

Naofumi x Raphtalia: I know Naofumi doesn’t see Raphtalia as a romantic partner and more as a partner on his team, but Raphtalia doesn’t see it that way. She is 100% loyal to Master Naofumi. Who could blame her? Naofumi saved her from a lifetime of enslavement and cured her from an illness she’s had for years. She’s grateful and every other hero is crap in her eyes! She’s worshipped the shield hero since she was younger when she would hear stories about the shield hero. So imagine her worry every time Naofumi talks about going back to his home world, she gets horribly upset. Me being very skeptical here, I can’t really imagine this going any further than team partners. I can’t see at the end of the day Naofumi staying in Melromarc forever or Raphtalia somehow returning to Naofumi’s world when all of this ends. So for now, I’m just going to see where this takes us.

FUNNIEST MOMENT: Whenever Motoyasu gets conked in his frank-and-two-beans by Filo! If anyone deserves to be whammed in the nuts, it’s Motoyasu.

SADDEST MOMENT: I don’t usually mention sad moments in anime anymore, but one moment touched me and that was episode 15 where we learned a little more about Raphtalia’s past. Raphtalia, even after losing her parents in a wave attack, she tries her best to keep a smile on her face. But shortly after that, she and many other demi-humans were taken away from their homes and sold off to a nobleman. This is when we see some pretty inhumane moments where Raphtalia and many of her friends are whipped for the fun of it, starved to death, and sold off to traders.

In this episode, we learn about a few of Raphtalia’s friends (Keel and Rifana) from her younger days. The day Raphtalia got sold off, it looked like Rifana was teetering towards death. When the Shield Hero’s party came to rescue the surviving demi-humans (like Keel), Raphtalia went to see if Rifana could possibly be alive. And if the disturbing picture of Rifana’s skeleton doesn’t churn your stomach, I really don’t know what will. God damn, that was just messed up!

I CANNOT TELL A LIE, THIS ANIME HURT: I know I have sadistic tendencies and take joy in the misery of others. But I seriously cannot enjoy any second of the humiliation and degredation given to Naofumi. And it was because of the abuse put on the Shield Hero that made me feel sick to my stomach just watching all this happen to this guy. I thought it would last for a few episodes at the most, but it carried on a lot further than I imagined. Almost to the very end! And every episode you put on, you just wish for some kind of karma to kick in or for one more person to be nice to Naofumi or something, anything to happen!

But because the king has a vendetta against the previous Shield Hero, Naofumi has had to pay a heavy toll by having every horrible crime or offense thrown at him including rape, murder, attempted murder, cheating, witchcraft, and treason. AND HE COMMITTED NONE OF THESE OFFENSES! So you spend just about 20 episodes watching this poor boy having to go through this hell. I can’t even imagine having to go through this kind of torment and some of these moments make me ill in my stomach and quite pissed off. So like I said, this anime hurts to watch.

ENDING: As it turns out, the kingdom is corrupt under the rule of the king and his daughter, Princess Cunt (yeah, BIG shocker there). How corrupt? Well, they were in cahoots with the church that had their own religion praising only 3 of the Heroes (guess which one they don’t praise)! That was until the pope decided that everything must be wiped away because they are “unclean”. That includes the monarchy, the heroes, and their crew! Thankfully, they were able to put an end to this cult, with a little help from the true leader of Melromarc, Queen Mirelia of Melromarc. She finally shows herself and her powers on the battlefield. And now ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the moment everyone and their mama have been waiting for.

JUSTICE IS SERVED: With the queen’s return, come some harsh sentences to her own family. Her husband, the king and her daughter, Princess Malty! I gotta tell you, seeing these two in chains makes my heart so happy. The king was guilty of summoning the four heroes prematurely and causing a lot of harm to the kingdom of Melromarc with the church. Then the queen puts a seal on Myne’s chest, giving her unimaginable pain whenever she lied. That still didn’t stop the bitch from lying! In one swoop, it’s proven that Naofumi was innocent the whole time and that the king and princess were worse than period cramps. And for their crimes, THEY ARE SENTENCED TO DEATH BY GUILLOTINE!

FUCK YEAH! BRING IT ON!

CUT THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF!

Yeah…unfortunately for my blood-lust self, that didn’t happen. Instead, Naofumi stopped the queen seconds before blood was to splatter. Claiming that the princess and king should be stripped from their titles and must go through life with new names! The king will be named “Trash” and Malty/Myne will be named “Bitch” (or “Whore” when she’s traveling). Okay, I guess it’s all good. With that, the church of the three heroes is abolished and handled a lot better than I thought.

But seriously Queenie, was it really, REALLY a good idea to keep your daughter alive? I know she’s your own daughter and you felt severe hesitation (in the anime) before calling for her execution. But for fuck’s sake, literally a day after she’s spared from the guillotine, she’s poisoning food meant for her sister Melty, Naofumi, and his friends!

IN THIS AFTERMATH: Now has Naofumi finally obtained acceptance throughout the kingdom? Yes and no! Yes, it’s true that the people of the land respected Naofumi after all he’s done. It’s just that some of the other heroes and castle men who still treat Naofumi with such disrespect. The queen wishes for all four heroes to be treated equally and to get along so that maybe they can defeat the waves without too much trouble. Hell, the queen of the filolials also said the same thing! I think Ren and Itsuki have kinda been on board with this for a while (even if they are kinda dickish about it). It’s just that Motoyasu’s still a condescending dick to Naofumi! Sigh!

FINAL WAVE ATTACK: Final one for now! On their way to another land, Naofumi ends up getting chummy with two travelers (L’Arc and Therese).

We meet these fuckers three episodes before the finale.

They’re bad guys, aren’t they?!

Something like that! Yeah, the next wave attack was coming up real quick. And the heroes have to go up against Glass again (the woman who caused a lot of trouble in the midway point of the series). But it turns out L’Arc and Therese are in cahoots with Glass. But it gets really…complicated here!

Glass and L’Arc are both fan and scythe heroes from another world. And they’re destroying the waves on this side along with destroying the people of this world to prevent catastrophy in their world. Yeah, finale time guys! How many parallel worlds and heroes are there?

READ THE LIGHT NOVEL!

Fuck me! Well, Naofumi and the other hammy heroes were able to stop the wave attack once more. And we even get to watch Queen Melromarc in action again! In this aftermath, Naofumi gets a new member on his team. Yes, it’s another female, but at least this one is older than all the other girls that hang with him (making this a little less ewwwie). Rishia was abandoned by Itsuki’s team for…reasons. So she’s going to join Naofumi after she helped in the last wave attack. And we get some last-moment hopeful scenes as we see things that give me hope for people in this series. Raphtalia’s old friends and homeland is getting back into the swing of things and Naofumi will take control over the land. And we wait for this promoted second and third season Crunchyroll swears by. Seriously guys, when are we getting more Shield Hero?

DON’T KNOW! READ THE LIGHT NOVEL AND STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS!

If you can’t already tell, I liked this series! Yes it was unbelievably painful to watch certain things where all of these people gang up on Naofumi and screw him eight ways from Sunday, but I guess good stories have a little struggle. Except here, it’s a lot of struggling! It was an interesting tale and is giving me a little hope for the Isekai genre as a whole. Will I get into all the other recent ones so I can one day watch Isekai Quartet? Don’t get too cocky! I’ll stick to this and maybe head on over to Konosuba later on.

Rising of the Shield Hero was definitely a tale and I highly recommend it. It’s just that if you’re prone to anger when it comes to absolute injustice, half of this series might be a little unbearable to handle. But there were several great moments (particularly from Raphtalia) that kept me going with this series.

Especially episode 4! Best episode of the series! Her undying devotion for Naofumi was definitely one to behold! I can’t wait to learn more about these different kinds of worlds, kingdoms, and heroes in the upcoming stories. In the meantime I will await for these seasons two and three Crunchyroll assures us are coming…They are coming right? You guys weren’t just blowing smoke up our asses in the last CRX convention, right?

READ THE FUCKING LIGHT NOVEL, YOU AUTISTIC TWAT!

I can’t do it! There are too many chapters!

Currently, both FUNimation and Crunchyroll have the entire series subbed and dubbed.

Okay, great stuff! What’s next on my Amazon/Netflix…or Crunchyroll licensed anime!

Magical Girl Site?

Oh fuck. I heard about that first episode. This is gonna hurt.

[takaraphoenix]

How does the Shadowhunter society work? Like, actually work?

I don’t even mean the clusterfuck that’s their leadership - where the Lightwoods are “dethroned” to be replaced by Lydia, who then inexplicably and without real explanation is replaced by Aldertree, who then is replaced by the Inquisitor herself, who just appoints her own grandson literally just based on him being her grandson, who then nominates his parabatai really only based on that even though the whole gods damn point of this game of musical chairs was to remove the Lightwoods from power. Okay, no, I actually also mean that because that was just a mess through and through.

You don’t... apply for jobs I guess? You just get chosen? Like how Isabelle suddenly became Weapon’s Master - whatever the fuck that even means.

Also, is there like... a job limit? I mean, Isabelle is the Weapon’s Master. She is however also apparently their head forensic scientist. And does autopsies. And she also takes over in the medical wing if need be, because we have literally never seen an actual doctor in the Institute, it’s mostly whoever has time. And she is an active-duty Shadowhunter going out on missions.

They... They don’t... have like... different departments, huh? You can just... dabble in all the jobs!

I mean, at one point it was implied that Jace is “head of security”, but once again, what does that even mean because he’s just constantly out on missions too. Shouldn’t the head of a department be... I don’t know... available to oversee stuff?

And what even is the Inquisitor? She’s first introduced as judge and jury for Isabelle’s trial. Making it look like she... personally... comes every time a Shadowhunter is on trial? Is she a judge? Is she the only judge?

And are there even trials? Like, for Downworlders? Because they skipped right to the execution with Clary - and all the Downworlders and supposed traitors from Valentine’s side. There was no trial there.

But over the course of the toher seasons, it looked more like the Inquisitor is the equivalent to the president. The absolute head. In charge of everyone.

Which brings me to their legal system. The president is your judge and jury. That seems kind of shady. But then again! They also threw Jace into the dungeon for getting abducted and tortured! And then they tortured him a bit themselves! So there’s that.

There’s also the shady way with which they handle their terrorists. You know, the two who got to lead the New York Institute with a bit house-arrest only. Even though head of an Institute is implied to be an important position. And Hodge too, just a bit of house-arrest and the whole “don’t talk about it” rune. I know this one is intentional to show just how shady and actually down for Valentine’s core ideals the Clave really is, but... it still stands as something questionable.

Because... throughout the show they all do seem very serious about putting Valentine behind bars and treating him as inherently wrong (also implied by the whole immediate execution thing mentioned above). So, what brought that change of heart on?

But I’m getting off-track. The main point I wanted to get to was: How do they pay for stuff? How are they paid? Are they even paid? Does money exist?

I mean, seriously. They’re squatting in an “old abandoned church”. So they don’t pay legal property taxes. They’re not like... pretending to be some kind of firm that works in that building, glamouring it as, I don’t know, a lawyers’ building or whatever, and having a kinda legal business front.

They keep themselves glamoured from mundies.

So, were do they get their stuff? Clothes, food, technology, heck, furniture and the ten thousand candles Jace keeps in his bedroom?

They have this hyper advanced technology that is never explained. Because that is not magic, it’s technology. The whole holographics, the computer-system that seems more advanced than ours. So you’re telling me they have absolute genuius inventors there, but don’t make money off of it?

If they did, if you’d tell me that they like make brilliant stuff and sell versions it to the mundie world - with like a flippant note about how they invented smartphones or something - and that’s how they finance stuff, I’d buy that.

Or heck, the thing I had kind of automatically assumed in early season 1 - that members of the Shadow World infiltrate the mundane world. Like Luke and Alaric. That the two werewolf-partners were intentional and not coincidental. Downworlders, working in law-enforcement, in hospitals, in the fire-department, just generally everywhere important to have a literal Shadow World to our mundane world; including Shadowhunters. Them, working as actual law-enforcement and specifically taking the non-mundane cases.

Y’all know Grimm? Love that show. Super stupid, hella lazy world-building on the bestiary side, but the whole concept of the supernatural hunter working as a cop, with his captain also being part of the supernatural world and thus helping by pulling some strings? That.

I kind of assumed that to be implied when the captain was also a Downworlder, but then the captain got killed and Alaric got killed and Luke got that useless mundie partner. Just, imagine for a moment, if the Shadowhunters did live integrated into the mundane world, but in the shadows of it. Isabelle as the forensic scientist or head medical examiner of New York even, the “head of the Institute” as the captain of the department, of both the Shadow World side and the mundane side, Jace and Alec as detectives working together. Cases are being shuffled around by the Shadowhunter in charge of the precinct so the mundies get the mundie cases and the Shadowhunters get the actual Downworlder stuff.

But they live cut off from humans and they are “lucky” that Luke is a cop and they can get inside case information from him, which makes Luke look shady and also kind of insane because he’s talking to thin air since Jace and the others only show up to a crime-scene glamoured.

They don’t have jobs in the mundane world though. They don’t interact with the mundane world.

So, where do their clothes and food come from? Do they have some oblivious mundie delivery guys bringing food to the church...? Do they... grow everything themselves? Do they make clothes themselves?

Are there Shadowhunter seamstresses and bakers? Is there a shopping mile in Idris?

Because the way they make it look, with the dwindling number of Shadowhunters - based on them dying young during missions and not producing enough heirs to compensate for that and not having the cup to make more Shadowhunters - I sort of got the impression that every Shadowhunter has to take a soldier career. Either you go into active duty, or you become an Iron Sister/Silent Brother, or a politician.

But they have a cafeteria. It’s not like that’s enchanted like the dining hall in Harry Potter, right? So, do they have Shadowhunters on staff who are cooks? Janitors? Since the whole weapons-cleaning thing was being used as a “punishment” for Jace, do they just... take turns? Have a chores-schedule and everybody gets to clean up and cook like once a month...? Do they have Downworlders in the positions they themselves see as below them, like the janitorial staff?

Does... does money even exist in their society? I’m really curious about that, because it would imply that they have an economic system. And I really did get the impression that they were a pure race of soldiers, battling demons with no sense of procedures on how to qualify and apply for a job - I mean, Clary just flat-out moves into the Institute and starts going on missions without any training at all, without a screening, without... without, yeah as dumb as it sounds, a job application.

Are there pay-checks? Are those actual jobs? Is there money? How does it work?

The point of this post really is that I’m an absolute sucker for world-building and this world-building absolutely sucked.

Seriously, I do love the conceptual idea of the Shadow World, but at no point was it actually established how it fits into our world. It was just vagued at that it stays hidden and glamoured, but how? How does it co-exist? How does it, as an independent society work?

Heck, that goes even deeper than jobs and politics. Why do they all speak English? Why don’t the Nephilim have their own native tongue, considering they use “runes” for their magic, which was in fact the writing of early day Germany (albeit different runes, of course)? Or, at the very least, why don’t they speak pre-dominantly German and&or French, considering Idris is physically located between France, Germany and Switzerland.

Why do all Shadowhunters automatically speak English like that is the dominant language of their society? Be that new arrivals like Aline, Helen, Aldertree, Lydia, Sebastian. You can pull that stunt if you put your fairy tale country into the USA, like so many do. But if you put it into Europe and give a very specific location, you should let that influence things. I mean, what’s practical about them speaking English? The ones outside the US, that is - it does make sense that the Lightwoods and the staff in the New York Institute speak English. The Inquisitor, the reinforcement we’re getting, the Silent Brothers in the City of Bones, heck the scene where Clary is sentenced to death? Why would they speak English?

And don’t come at me “It’s the dominant language!”, because... why would that matter to Shadowhunters? They’ve shown they’re an old-fashioned society, very stuck in their old-fashioned ways. They would 100% not go trendy with “uh all the mundies learn English as their second language nowadays maybe we should raise all our kids English-speaking??”. They’d continue speaking their own native tongue throughout, they’d among themselves talk in their native tongue and certainly not in whatever language the mundies of that region are speaking considering that they don’t interact with mundies.

And that native tongue should be either an original Nephilim-language, German, French, or even an original conceptual mix of German and French that came together over the centuries, because the fact that Idris lays where it does implies that the first Nephilim created were, in fact, German, French and Swiss, probably also some Italians and Austrians.

There’s no way that centuries ago, the Angel grabbed a bunch of Brits, made them Shadowhunters and then dumped them in newly-created Shadowhunters Country to form a settlement there and speak pre-dominantly English. That’s... incredibly ridiculous.

And I know “the first Shadowhunter” is named John Shadowhunter, but that in itself is a fact I want to forget because it might just be the singularly dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in the realm of world-building and I’ve encountered sparkling vampires. Seriously, I had assumed the job-title “Shadowhunter” came from them, quite literally, hunting shadows. No. It had to be a super fancy perfectly coincidental name of the very first Shadowhunter? Yikes on that one.

And, again, that really very English name makes little sense considering where Idris lays. She did bother to give her villain the most on-the-nose German name, so why not Jonathan Schattenjäger, then? Or, you know, do the more sensible thing and not put your fantasy country slap-dash between Germany, France and Switzerland. It could as well be on a glamoured, hidden from mundie sight island off the shore of England. Make it a reasonably English-speaking country and also have it better hidden because... how exactly does that even work? Is it like Grimmauld Place that just folds in on itself or whatever? Time Lord technology? Because a country, even a small one, just... there, in the middle of Europe? But no one can see it? How is that explained for the mundies?

See, I’m not even saying that they all need to speak German/French, or that CC had to invent a whole new language. I’m just saying that, with where she places Idris, those would have been reasonable things to happen and no one forced her to put Idris where she put it, there is no actual real reason why it needs to be specifically there and three things - name of the first Shadowhunter, how it’s hidden from mundies and the language are - would have very easily been explained by simply not putting the country where it was put. But if you make something take place in a specific place, you have to take that place’s specific culture and other parameters into consideration in how your world forms.

I just... these things are world-building 101 questions. How is the leadership structure in this society, what kind of money-system do they have, what language do they speak.

And sure, I have only read the first book and CC might still surprise me with some mindblowing world-building that explains it all - but to be quite honest, the fact that Hodge and three underaged teenagers were all the people manning the New York Institute, my questions about the economics of this still stand, maybe even more so than before because uh... child-soldiers are fine I guess?? No need for actual, non former terrorist adult staff!

This is just... something that frustrates me. Sure, your world doesn’t have to be 100% because it’s still fictional. But there are some corner stones about your fantasy world that should be solid, that should be set. In the books and in the show, that is.

And... not many things about how the actual world works were as much as even just mentioned. And that really frustrates me, because to me, the most important part are the characters, and the second most important part is the world. An inconsistent and badly explained world is really very frustrating for me.

[timeisacephalopod]

Ive seen endgame! Spoilers under the cut and I’m not tagging this as spoilers because I’m literally telling you now its spoilers.

1- what the fuck was the point of Tony’s kid? We had more than 10 years with this character, he doesn’t need a kid for emotional impact when he died and now I’m kind of pissed they threw this fucking random kid in there only to orphan the poor thing and make Pepper a single mother. What fucking bullshit. Never should have been a storyline.

2- Pepper in the suit yaaaaaas.

3- Wanda. Fucking loved her moments. And Thanos’ “I don’t even know who you are” was fucking iconic lmao. I mean her “you will” was okay but holy fucking damn that was the funniest shit from Thanos.

4- they killed viz permanently lmao yeah I didn’t give 2 tits and a snare drum about him anyway so I don’t care.

5- Steve. What the fucking fuck did they do to him? Don’t get me wrong, I like Peggy, and I liked him and Peggy in FA. They were cute. But it was a 4 month fling in the middle of of a war. Not that it can’t be important, but after 15+ years you are telling me a 4 month fling from Steve’s youth is more important to him than everything else? And what of Bucky? He leaves him to HYDRA and after all the shit he went through in WS and CW you’re seriously telling me he’d just LEAVE him there like that? I don’t mean to be a dick to Peggy because I do like her, but narratively speaking Bucky has always played more importance to her except when they want to make Steve feel nostalgic. I’m sorry, I’m fucking over that plot line.

More than that though she moved on in her show, she had a life after Steve and he went back and took that from her. And I don’t see why aside from no one let him grow as a character while also having him grow as a character. He went through a huge character shift in WS and then we saw nothing of it. Aside from his motivations in CW, which make sense given the context of WS however much I disagree, we see none of that development and I’m fucking tired of watching him lament over a relationship that lasted for a shorter time than a high school semester. To any normal person, and even to Steve given his non normal stance, he would have moved the fuck on. Also he made out with her niece that one time!! How is he living with this!

Also Sam says they never had a Captain America but Steve was still big when he danced with Peggy, which means he got the serum, which means he still can’t age right, which begs the question of how the tits long did he live? And again, what does this mean for everything else considering getting the serum implies he was, at some point, Cap even if he was never the Cap they knew. What the fuck! I’m actually the most mad about this because Steve, post WS, probably would have been one of my favorite characters given his extreme narrative shift and just how interesting that could have been if anyone ever fucking let him move on with his fucking self but no. Instead we end with him in the same spot he started in! I watched ten years of this shit for him to do NOTHING? All that development (that the narratives never really let him go through in totality because he narratively never shifted out of his War and Peggy Phase even while his character, on an individual level, moved out of that several times) and I watch him end in the same place he started?

Honestly I’m pretty pissed about that. Especially with all the did with Bucky. I seriously can’t believe Steve fucking left him there, ignored every piece of information he had, ruined Peggy’s original happy ending, and then didn’t even grow as a character. I like that he got a happy ending, I think he’s earned that, but I simply cannot believe a 4 month fucking fling meant so much he’d ignore his best friend, HYDRA, Peggy’s original marriage, the fact that he made out with her niece that one time, and everything else to end up exactly where he started. Which is why I don’t really care for him to begin with- because the narrative always leaves him right at the beginning and I don’t know how to invest in a character that grows but never grows. If he narratively was allowed to grow he would have been so. Much. Better. It is so fucking frustrating to me that he never moved the fuck on. You have no idea.

6- “I can do this all day” “Yeah I know”

7- “You look like melted ice cream”

8- Hated almost everything they did with Thor. Fat jokes? Yikes. Though I did love that ice cream line. Loved the bit with Frigga. And like. Thor being devastated and traumatized is ok. I think that’s realistic enough even if I wonder how someone that’s been alive for well over 1000 years doesn’t know how to handle himself with slightly more grace. I would have liked to see him crack differently.

9- Cap picking up Thor’s hammer and Thor being happy about it? 10 000 times better than the garbage Whedon wrote. Loved that.

10- Nebula. N E B U L A. NEEEEEBBBUUUUULLLLAAAA. Start to finish fucking loved her. She was amazing. 2 questions though- how did she not kill herself when she killed herself? Which in itself is a fucky question to ask. And also the second contention point I have with the movie beyond time travel bullshit is why NO ONE asked where she was post Nat (that in a minute). I know they were sad about Nat obviously but Rhodey is a full bird colonel, he keeps track of thousands of people for his job, plus all of his involvement in Tony’s antics, plus the Avengers and you’re telling me he didn’t notice her gone even with Nat? And Tony, you’re telling me he didn’t notice her gone? He was the one who bonded with her the most and he didn’t notice that he’s now technically lost two people he was close to? And Rocket? He didn’t notice? Are you fucking kidding me? I thought that was bullshit.

Even if, by chance, Rhodey somehow didn’t notice his partner in crime was missing (”I wasn't always like this” “Neither was I”- new BroTP yo!) when I think his military experience alone would have made him the second most likely to notice after Rocket (because he knows her the best) then Rocket should have. And if for some reason Rocket didn’t notice despite her being all that’s left of his found family, making him extra invested in her whereabouts, over Nat, whom I think he’d care about but not like Nebula, then Tony, who spent all that time with her in space, would have noticed.

Fucking someone would have noticed her gone. And the whole second half relies on no one noticing this moment and I call absolute bullshit on that. Someone. Would. Have. Noticed. Rhodey if for no other reason than experience of keeping track of people in war zones, Rocket if for no other reason than her being his last remaining connection to his family, and Tony if for no other reason than Nebula being a large part of the reason he’s alive. I was completely thrown from the story here. I simply can’t see how they could over look that even considering Natasha.

11- Natasha. Are you fucking kidding me? You killed her over Clint? I fucking hate MCU Clint. He’s boring, he’s nothing like the comics, he’s a fucking prick, and I don’t give a fuck about his family or anything to do with him. I liked him best when he was going to kill himself for Natasha. That is the only moment, as Marie Kondo would say, sparked joy for me. Otherwise throw the whole thing out. Fucking Natasha over Clint. Fuck you. That was an insult to the viewers. I don’t give a fuck about Clint, I don’t give a fuck about his kids aside from thinking they didn’t deserve the snap, and I don’t give a fuck about his story.

My mom said he was a plain Timbit (donut hole for the US readers) in a donut world and I honestly think that’s insulting to the plain Timbit, which is something we give to dogs as treats in Canada. Clint isn’t even a dog treat to me and they killed Black Widow over him. Fucking pissed.

12- “That suit does nothing for your ass” “No one was asking you to look, Tony!” “That’s America’s ass!” .... “That is America’s ass”

13- I actually really liked what they did with Bruce. I was excited to see all the benefits of the Hulk and Banner in one! That was pretty cool!

14- Strange’s reappearance was pretty badass. And Wong! I was excited to see him there! Was a bit surprised by Tilda Swinton’s appearance but okay. I didn’t hate it. Loved when she punched Bruce out of the Hulk lmfao that was so funny. I do like that she apparently does that to everyone lmao. I should write a fic where she punches Wong’s soul out of his body when the meet just because I think it’d be funny. And I’d love to see more Wong.

15- Steve vs Steve was really cool, I liked that. And fucking Hail HYDRA holy fucking shit I almost lost my ass. Couldn’t fucking believe he said that (and knowing that he just leaves that all for Peggy, his 4 month fling? Find this wildly out of character for him). Then he fucks right off with the tesseract omg.

16- Scott had some iconic one-liners. “That’s America’s ass!” “Okay I'm going to go inside you” omg. Ant Man was a joy to watch in this. I find Endgame used his character right.

17- I know I said it but Pepper Potts in the fucking suit y’all! I don’t know who was watching Morgan but also Pepper Potts in the fucking suit!!

18- That time travel shit made things entirely way too fucky. I knew that’s what they were going to do because that’s all that made sense, but I thought it was fucking stupid. And can Thanos even snap the stones out of existence? Because Tilda Swinton’s speech implied if he did something like that timelines would essentially do the funky chicken and die. She removed the time stone and shit was supposed to get weird, remove all 5 and what happens? Wtf? He fucking hid those stones. Did like Thor’s bit there though, killing Thanos. I think Nebula earned it more than him but I also think it was a good moment for Thor before his character became a fucking joke. 

19- narratively I understand why they started with Clint’s family dusting but I don’t give a fuck about Clint or his dusted family. I would have preferred watching a civilian lose his shit.

20- Steve you need therapy, stop leading therapy sessions. Especially when your advice is ‘move on’ and you literally go fucking nowhere in your life even after you went all over hell’s creations. Get this man a proper therapist he needs like 15!

21- lmfao Russos talking about gay representation and it was a guy talking about a date. I shit you the fuck not that was it. Gay. It was barely even there. Only straight men would ever assume that could possibly count as representation holy fuck. Like thanks for the blink you miss it shout out I guess. You remembered gays exist, wow!

22- Strange’s one finger thing, I liked that a lot actually. I think it functioned both as a great call to action and a nice reference to Stephen’s power.

23- Quick question, why was Tilda Swinton in New York? Because they went back too far for Strange- at first I when they mentioned 3 stones in NY I was like wait, when’s Strange’s story supposed to happen? After WS right? He can’t be in NY with the stone? But then Tilda showed up and I was like... why isn’t she in Nepal at the teaching sanctum? Because apparently the NY one isn’t a teaching sanctum and as far as I knew she was training Mordo and Wong there at this time so wtf? And it can’t be explained with ‘she knew she needed to be there’ because she punched Bruce out of hulk and he had to grovel to her to get the fucking thing from her and only managed because she knew Stephen gave up the stone willingly and would never do so without good reason because he’s the best fo the best. So like. Why was she there aside from plot convenience? That was a little too easy. Frankly, the whole plot was a touch too easy but still.

24- tired of aliens we’re supposed to relate to looking like humans but in pink while aliens we’re supposed to dislike are animalistic and non human looking. That’s a garbage trope.

25- The black woman in the elevator who made Tony and Steve is 100% Fury’s mother no one can convince me otherwise. I think the timeline matches up but I don’t care if it doesn’t she’s his mom now. He gets it all from his mama.

Bonus: stop trying to make Howard happen, Marvel, its not going to. I fucking hated that scene with Tony and Howard. What kind of bullshit abuse apology was that? Howard then, sure, he didn’t suck quite yet and seems to be aware of his own shortcomings. Howard in the future? Sorry, irredeemable crap. Narratively interesting irredeemable crap but irredeemable nonetheless. Tony panicking and saying his last name was Potts was great though lol. I’ll take it as evidence he took Pepper’s last name when they got married.

Bonus Bonus: I cried when Sam held the shield. I’ve been gunning for Sam to take over as Cap since we met him and everyone told me it’d be Bucky. I argued that we’ve already seen the story of a super soldier as Cap, it would be more interesting to watch Sam as a relatively normal guy take over as Cap. And I like Bucky traumatized and Winter Solider-y. I think he’s more interesting that way. Seriously though, Sam as Cap will be amazing and I didn’t expect to cry at that of all things but I did. I’m so excited to see him in that role!

Bonus Bonus Bonus for any sorry fucking soul who’s made it this far in I think I might update the Tony, T’Challa, and Their Gaggle of Children verse to include Morgan (but older) finding Tony only she’s his actual assed kid and no one believes it even though they have a striking resemblance. Which annoys them both because he got the media to buy all his other fake kids with easy to track down parents but not his actual kid. Ending with Nebula showing up and him claiming she’s his kid and everyone buying it.

[atdelilah]

as per request: HEY THERE DELILAH WHAT’S IT LIKE IN ASHMONT CITY anyways what’s poppin y’all, it’s ya girl jalynn, back at it again with ya new girl delilah whom i based off of a mixture of the gotham city siren gang (aka catwoman, harley quinn, and poison ivy)!! i’m very excited to throw her at yall

i guess the easiest way to dive in is to just explain her backstory so here goes:

she is the youngest of two girls, and her parents own/run the biggest catholic megachurch in the state so. she’s rich, she has an image to live up to

as expected, that plan flops

her older sister, abigail, very much fits the “good christian daughter” mold, but delilah is just way too curious, and asks “why?” in the middle of church service way too often to even get close to fitting that image

yes, our girl has had problems with authority and being told what to do from a very young age

naturally, her parents were hating this very, very much and this is how the seed of a very bad relationship with your parents is born

but on the bright side! delilah and her sister were close as could be, two peas in a pod when they were kids!! they were basically polar opposites in terms of personality (delilah being the kid who will ask “why?” every time you speak vs abigail just respecting authority because what else was she supposed to believe?)

that was basically how her early childhood went. her parents wanting her to be more like abigail, delilah being like “okay anyways”, and abigail being angel girl that her parents loved the most

so then comes middle school (a tough time for everyone), and stuff in delilah’s life is either hitting the fan, or taking root so it can hit the fan later

the first thing to hit the fan: her relationship with her parents. at this point, delilah figured out that no matter what she did to be her own, her parents would never stop wanting her to be a clone of abigail, so honestly? she just stopped caring about their opinion altogether

they already were set in their belief that she was disappointing, and annoying, and just too much, so why not just do what you want anyway? that’s delilah’s thought process

she just blatantly started ignoring their rules, really. she started questioning her faith in more targeted ways, she started finding ways to sneak out of the house, and went out of her way to break her parents’ “no dating” rule

also it’s important to note that delilah went to an all-girls’ k-12 catholic school and she HATED it. she snuck out because she just wanted to hang out and go to normal schools like all her rich, non-catholic neighbors. plus her mother worked at the school, and delilah took any opportunity to just do the exact opposite of whatever her mom asked of her

basically, delilah liked finding ways of reclaiming her autonomy and personal identity because her parents’ worked so hard to try to take it away from her! it’s at this point where we see her begin to do things simply because they make her feel powerful and independent! middle school, am i right

the biggest downside to this is that it starts causing problems between her and her sister. with delilah being in middle school, and abigail being in high school at the time, it’s already obvious that problems would arise just due to the differences in age. but the differences between the two only became more evident as they got older; abigail was constantly ready to go tell on delilah, and delilah was always taking jabs and saying abigail didn’t have a mind of her own. arguing was a regular occurrence. the sisters still 100% loved each other, for sure, but it’s a tough age phase they’re going through, plus there’s just no such things as siblings that don’t argue.

now we’re in high school, another horrible and weird time for teenagers across the nation, but especially for our girl delilah

her parents are so beyond sick of her at this point, really. the only reason they haven’t completely cut her out is because it wouldn’t look good if they did r.i.p

delilah stopped going to church altogether, she’d gotten busted on her escapades multiple times (not that she cared, really), and the “no dating” rule was just.....so beyond ignored

the seed had been planted when she was in middle school, but when she got into high school, delilah just completely embraced how pretty she is. boyfriends, girlfriends, flings, sexual partners; you name it, she was doing it. she didn’t really know she was gaining a lil’ heartbreaker reputation because honestly? outside of the whole power trip it gave her, she was really just having fun ahdgashdgsdj

( small disruption to say drug tw here )

big downside to high school: in the midst of her constant sneaking out and rule-breaking, she fell into some things and people that she shouldn’t have, and by her senior year (17/18 years old) she’d developed an addiction to a small variety of drugs

like any addiction, it did have big effects on a lot of aspects of her life. her grades (which she generally took pride in) were slipping massively, and all of her relationships (friends, romantic, familial aka with her sister) were falling to points that were nearly beyond repair

abigail, being the big sister she is, was extremely upset about the whole situation and basically convinced their parents to check delilah into rehab and they were on board with the plan, not because they cared about delilah’s wellbeing, but because the way she was spiraling was a liability to their image in their eyes

so now delilah is 18, she’s graduated from that k-12 all-girls school (no longer at the top of her class), and is promptly checked into rehab, we love this for her! but she absolutely hates the whole thing, so .

she didn’t hate the literal getting off of drugs, but what she hated the most was that she felt like she’d proven her parents right. to her, it was one thing to let them just assume the worst about her; it was a whole different feeling to actually give them something as big as this to root their assumptions in.

but that (plus the underlying desire to not worry her sister) was enough for her to take being rehabilitated very seriously. she did what she had to do and was out by the beginning of the next school year! probably one of the first times in her life she actually followed instructions from authority figures, honestly. but she told herself she was doing all of it because she wanted to, not because she had to.

also just something to add, it was in rehab where delilah got super into poetry and reading and classics!! it’s not like she had an abundance of things to do at her disposal, so she picked reading as a hobby to pass time but ended up being really into it. it was one of the first times where she felt like she had a purpose in life outside of living to fuck with her parents asjdhaskdjha

fast forward, we now have senior year college girl delilah!! she’s 3 (going on 4) years clean off everything she was addicted to!! we love this for her determined queen

she’s also worked really hard to rebuild her relationship with her sister and they’re back on very, very good terms. she’d do anything for her sister, period

but delilah is still delilah, she’s still a lil heartbreaker, she’s still hard-headed as ever, and she’s still got a variety of other things to learn about and grow through but i don’t wanna talk all about it here and make this longer than it already is asjdhakjsh onto the next part!

personality!

+ independent, dedicated, passionate, sensitive but lowkey she’d rather die than admit it or show it

- stubborn, prone to isolating herself mentally/emotionally, self-sabotaging, good liar but she considers this more of a skill to use here and there

100% will do anything for the people she loves......now that list isn’t necessarily long but. once you’re on that list, you’re On that list

the investigation.....

okay so basically delilah is 100% anti-daisey

she didn’t really know daisey too well growing up and didn’t really care to asdjkhasdkjh but they were both in rehab at the same time so they officially met then

but daisey enjoyed picking at delilah’s little insecurities and also talking shit about her sister, and like the picking on her was like "eh i don’t like you" but talking shit about abigail? l m a o

basically if delilah hadn’t been so determined to be on her p’s and q’s in that rehab center, she woulda beat daisey’s ass, and that’s point blank period

plus delilah just didn’t like daisey’s attitude or anything even aside from how daisey treated her specifically, like just the way she treated others turned delilah off of her

so yeah when daisey turned up missing delilah was just like that....is not my problem 😗

when daisey turned up dead delilah was like damn 😗 sucks to suck r.i.p though

i’m not saying delilah killed her or anything but i’m just saying. delilah’s got a short temper and probably had to be held back anytime daisey said anything funny about abigail (which was all the time bc like. it’s daisey)

and the whole killer on the loose sending messages thing creeps her out but like. she’s very much a go with the flow, look at the big picture kind of girl so she’s just. trying not to let it phase her too much

connections!

y’all already know i’m not picky about anything just throw an idea at me and we can make something shake

and i think that’s about it? like this, or hmu or anything if u wanna plot i’m really excited for all of ur characters to talk to the kid!! also can u guys guess which gotham city siren i pulled the most inspo from (admins not allowed to guess bc u guys already read my app)

[justsomenarutobs]

Hiiii! 😊💖 If it's okay, may I request some HCs gor Kisame, Kakuzu and Gaara with a female S/O who's usually shy, soft and loves cutesy things like flowers and animals, but one day they get in real danger and she saves them, showing off her shocking strength? Hope it's not too weird of a request hehe! Have a great day! And some pretty flowers 😊🌸🌹🌺

Kisame, Kakuzu and Gaara With A Secretly Strong Female S/O

Hello my love! This is the CUTEST REQUEST STYLE EVER how could I not write this! It is always ok to send in requests especially ones like this! It’s really nice to get creative requests for some of my favorite characters *Between you and me, Kakuzu is one of my favorites to write for but damn do I love all 3 of these men!* Honestly I was too excited to do this! Have a fantastic day my lovely anon-N💛

Masterlist

Kisame

 Since Kisame is such a rough and tumble person having a shy more girly S/O will compliment him well. He absolutely loves having a cutesy girlfriend because it’s like an escape from his usual brutal lifestyle however because of her demeanor he’s much more protective over her than he usually would be thinking that if his S/O is shy to normal conversations then there’s no way she would be able to defend herself in a fight(little does he know). So with that his S/O can almost always expect Kisame to keep a gentle grip on her waist or hand not only to keep track of her but to be able to completely pull her body into his if danger arises.

 As for her hobbies Kisame will take interest in anything she likes so if she’s into flowers/gardening he’s out there with a little apron helping dig holes for the flower pods(yes he’s whipped let him be happy lmao) Really likes the praise that comes from helping out and is extremely strong so he has no problems carrying all the fertilizer/mulch. When it comes to the animals Kisame doesn’t mind them although he probably won’t be that inclined to play with them but he absolutely adores watching his adorable girlfriend rolling around with puppies or kittens that’s actually his phone background

 Like it says above Kisame is very protective of his girlfriend so when they’re coming back home from a swim and a masked assailant jumps out of nowhere screaming how he’s going to take out some Akatsuki scum Kisame instantly pushes his girlfriend to the side telling them to stay back. At first his S/O does just that but when she spots 2 more assailants about to sneak attack Kisame SHE LOSES IT. Instantly she leaps into action taking them both out with ease Kisame had already finished his opponent off as he watched the act take place. To say he’s shocked is an understatement “How the hell did SHE of all people take out those guys twice her size????” Confused but turned on. Honestly he’s the quickest to recover from shock but that’s only because excitement takes over instead

 Questioning everything he knows about his girlfriend both internally and externally like “how did I not know that my girlfriend was an ass kicking machine after being in a relationship so long???” Although he quickly reels in his questions before checking her over to make sure she didn’t injury herself at all. Tbh Kisame won’t bring it up or ask any questions unless his S/O wants to talk about their training. He’s just happy that he doesn’t have to worry AS MUCH about them

Kakuzu

 For Kakuzu having a very girly S/O is unnerving to say the least as he thinks anything he says will hurt her feelings so he tends to be even more quiet than his usual few words while yes he often comes off as inconsiderate he truly doesn’t want his girlfriend to unhappy especially not because of him. He also tends to be gently with a shy cutesy person he knows in the back of his mind that they aren’t fragile but he honestly can’t help himself from treating her like fine china even in the bedroom which is a big change for the usual non caring extremely rough lover Kakuzu is. On top of all that there is one thing he keeps the same in any relationship: His Possessiveness. This man does NOT like being out of the loop on where his S/O is or what they doing at any second these feelings come from the idea that he doesn’t want anything “stolen” from him

 He does like her hobby of gardening as it tends to be cheaper than most other hobbies out there and it can actually bring in resources such a fruits and vegetables saving even more money(and he’ll never admit it but he also loves the flowers because it makes for a calm scenery so he can attempt to shut his mind down/wind down from his travels). As for the animals he really doesn’t like them they’re costly, noisy,messy and requires too much energy for him but as long as his girlfriend keeps the animals away from him and his possessions then he’ll settle only to keep his S/O from being sad I’m telling y’all his girlfriend has him wrapped around her finger...if only she knew 

 Kakuzu’s girlfriend knows about his “career” of hunting down targets from his bingo book so she’s not surprised when he tells her that he’s going to capture a target but what does come as a surprise is when he urges her to get out of the surrounding area as quick as she can. Literally right after he issues the warning 3 men come jumping out of the forest one in the middle being protected by the other two. Of course Kakuzu isn’t worried about the numbers as soon as the first 2 launch at him he begins to take them out. Everything is going to plan till the main guy/leader takes in interest into Kakuzu’s girlfriend before Kakuzu can get over to her his S/O’s whole demeanor flips as she effortlessly dodges every swing following up by punching his nose into his body then pinning him down to the ground all in a swift movement 

 KAKUZU.IS.SHOOK in every single one of his relationships he’s never seen such power especially not from such a fragile, sweet young women! Is quite annoyed that he didn’t know about this strength asking his girlfriend just when were they going to disclose that they were extremely capable of taking care of themselves. Not actually angry at his girlfriend just a bit frustrated but it soon fades when he realizes that they just attempted to help him and succeed at taking down a target with a big bounty! He actually praises her and ruffles her hair like he’s quite impressive which is hard to do (I mean like instant nut on the spot lol) but overall he’s quite happy at the discovery cutting down on his protection but not his possessiveness....that’s forever 

Gaara

 A sweet,shy and cute girlfriend? Sign him the hell up! It’s literally a match made in heaven as to what he likes and what will mesh well with him. To be completely honest Gaara need some sweetness in his life so he soaks it all up even if it’s just a good morning kiss Gaara is damn there weak in the knees. He 100% understands that not everyone is like his best friend, Naruto, including himself so if his S/O is shy he will never tease them or push them to be more social however due to his girlfriend being shy it actually causes Gaara to come out his shell fast since he doesn’t ever want his partner to be in an uncomfortable situation therefore he tends to talk for her or ask for all the things she wants not realizing that he wouldn’t usually do so much speaking lol 

 Not only is his girlfriend sweet and cute she likes gardening too?!?! Where has she been his whole life! They have matching aprons and gloves that Gaara blushes about every time he puts his on or sees his girlfriend in hers. While Gaara has a preference for cacti, since they survive easily in sunas heat, he has no qualms about planting other things especially if his girlfriend prefers the pretty flowers so he has a greenhouse specifically build to regulate the temperature so her plants thrive no matter the environment. Animals like Gaara and Gaara likes animals so that hobby isn’t a deal breaker either as long as the animals are healthy with mild temperaments(although I feel like Gaara prefers the cats lol i don’t know why)

 Being the Kazekage is commonly associated with death more specifically assassination as every Kazekage has met an untimely death do to an successful assassination attempt. Almost everyone in suna knows of this including Gaara’s girlfriend so when they’re out eating lunch she takes the death threat thrown at Gaara seriously. Soon she intercepts every single Kunai thrown his direction and takes out the assailant before Gaara or even the guards could do anything. Every guard and Gaara are stunned into silence as to how such a mild, shy little lady could transform! 

 Honestly Gaara just falls even more in love as he just witnessed someone he loves defending him with extreme precision and he’s just so proud of his girlfriend. Instantly pulls her into a tight hug telling her that as much as he appreciates her protecting him, he would be devastated if she got injured or worse killed because of him so he asks her not to jump in the middle of danger for him again of course she’s not gonna agree but I digress after giving her a small lighthearted talk Gaara actually initiates their first ever public kiss not breaking it no matter how many eyes fall on them

[ladyloveandjustice]

Fall 2018 Anime Overview: Continuing Series- Golden Kamuy Season 2 and Banana Fish

Golden Kamuy Season 2

If you enjoyed the first season, this is pretty much more of the same, so check out my review of season one to know what to expect.

Though I guess you could say this portion of the season DOES lean even harder into weirdness than the first one did. There’s not many anime where you’ll see two dudes having the time of their lives modeling fashionable outfits made out of human skin, which include...crotch appendages...only in Golden Kamuy y’all.

Interestingly bizarreness tends to overlap with queerness a lot in this season and its hard to know how to feel about it. For instance, it’s definitely an unexpected revelation that dudes are attracted to Lieutenant Tsurumi like whoa. 

IDK apparently he’s a catch. Half of his subordinates are in love with him. It’s handled as comical and of course the dudes are mentally unbalanced weirdos (as is everyone in Golden Kamuy except Asirpa and Sugimoto only sometimes) and one of them dies, but the show is never overtly mean to them either. Nobody acts disgusted about it and when one character observes the attraction, he basically shrugs about it.

 Satoru Noda apparently also REALLY loose with his fixation with dudes muscles with this part of the story, to the point we got the beef-cakiest hotsprings episode I’ve ever seen, which includes an extended fight scene where the male characters were naked throughout. There’s also an entire scene where apparently otter meat is an aphrodisiac that causes the dudes to be really into each other, so they engage in nearly naked sumo wrestling.

This is all clearly supposed to be wacky and funny, but at the same time it’s pretty clear the mangaka must REALLY LIKE drawing these scenes of muscular, naked men, and I support him following his dreams. Also I won’t deny it’s refreshing to see a hot springs episode where not a single woman got objectified, but there was dude oglin’ a plenty. It healed me a little.

I guess while we’re talking about this show and its weird relationship with queerness I should reporting that my prediction was right and the trans woman I mentioned in the previous review did become an ally. Her transness hasn’t been bought up again (though for some reason the subs decided to switch to “he” despite sticking with “she” before) and her role is pretty minor, she does reveal she’s skilled in both cooking and surgery (because she likes dismembering people) and talks about how great it would be to see people murdered every so often, so pretty much more of the same.

And that’s really all there is to say. Golden Kamuy has only gotten weirder and the plot only more convoluted (I’m starting to have a hard time keeping track of the characters tbh), but it’s an entertaining story and there’s still characters with resonance and heart underneath it all (the scene where Sugimoto discusses his trauma from being in the war with Asirpa genuinely tugged a heartstring. These two are still great and have really settled into a kinda of adorable dad-daughter dynamic at this point) and the historical and cultural research that went into this story is still amazing. 

I can tell the anime’s still skipping a lot of the manga (most of volume 7 was completely skipped), but since the English release of the manga is so slow, I’m happy to watch it in the meantime. It helps that the show has a bangin’ soundtrack and and it managed to pull its ginormous cast together for some truly exciting and action packed final episodes that left me eager for more. 

Banana Fish (13-24)

Again, if you read my review for the first half of the show, you can basically expect more of the same, both with the good and especially the bad parts. We do get more downtime with Ash and Eiji’s relationship, and they continued to make me think this show would be so much better if it focused more on these quiet scenes rather than on piling as much trauma on Ash as it possibly can. 

I think this second half did allow me to see what was compelling about Ash and Eiji’s relationship and why it’s stayed with so many people. When Ash explained that he’s finally found someone who will love him without expecting anything in return, so of course he’s willing to do anything for that person, that got me in the heart. Ash is someone who has either been viewed as a threat or someone to exploit- he’s especially used to being treated like he’s nothing more than a body, a receptacle for desires. Eiji isn’t afraid of Ash, or in awe of him, and never asks anything of him other than for him to be okay and by his side. Ash genuinely can just be a dumb teenager with him while he can’t with anyone else. Eiji is an outsider, to Ash’s gang-bangin’ world, to his culture in general, and that allows him to see Ash as he truly is, just a kid who needs to get out of this mess.

The romantic in me really loves that concept, and as an ace person, I especially connect to the underlying implication that Eiji is a romantic partner who isn’t going to demand sex from Ash or try to force him into it. Though Ash’s implied desire to avoid sex almost certainly stems from trauma, I know how he feels in a broad sense. And I think it’s a thing a lot of women can relate to even if they aren’t ace, wanting to find a relationship where they aren’t used or objectified, so it goes back around to how Ash acts as kind of a representation for the anxieties and desires of (likely) the mangaka and many women despite being a male character, and I still find that very interesting. The scene where Ash has a complete breakdown and screams at his rapist while laughing hysterically was really affecting.

So there’s moments of real resonance here, but is it worth the bullshit surrounding it, which includes every single gay man being represented as a rapist, to the point a gay bar is connected to a child porn ring? The nasty implication that gay sex is inherently evil and non-consensual, and Ash and Eiji’s relationship is only okay because they’re not doing it is very strong, and as much as this ace appreciates a romance that doesn’t require sex, I don’t want it THIS way.

There’s also some SERIOUS anti-Semitic bullshit that I can’t believe MAPPA didn’t edit out in a couple episodes. Like it would have been so easy to cut. Also some more pretty rough scenes of black men being murdered (they’re extras this time at least, and the main black dude for this part of the anime miraculously manages to both survive and not be an offensive caricature. Also his name is Cain Blood which is the best name in this story, and possibly ever). 

The second half of the anime also involved some of the more absurd elements worsening. I got REALLY tired of every character commenting on how hot and amazing Ash is like. I GET IT.  Also Ash’s life of being sexually exploited somehow gives him the ability to seduce any man holding him captive, and every bad guy is down for raping a teenage boy, I guess. It’s actually again, a little surreal to see these tropes with a male character. I’m used to seeing hot female characters who’ve been through sexual trauma and have magic seduction powers and are endlessly drooled over...I almost want guys to watch these segments so they can see how uncomfortable it feels when the tables are turned. 

There’s also some really good examples of ACTUAL jarring tone shifts, where the anime really fails to land some of its attempts at a funny, light moment in the midst of really tense and tragic situations. I think it’s possible the manga managed this better, but I can’t imagine the “joke” where Ash has to crossdress and a male doctor gropes him and Ash punches him out cold and his friends chortle and tell him he’s not a gentle woman could ever be done in a non jarring way. Like, I don’t like sexual harassment humor in anime at the best of times, but it’s especially bad when the person who is harassed has been raped more times than he can count.  We’re expected to take that seriously, but not this, because Ash is in a dress? It’s also like, appalling that his friends who are fully aware of his history would laugh about him getting assaulted again. It’s a moment that feels like it comes from a completely different anime. 

So um, yeah. My conclusion is those resonant moments are not worth the bullshit. The ending really cemented this for me. I had an (admittedly overly flippant) reaction that kind of sums my feelings up. Let’s just say I HATE meaningless cruel tragedy for the sake of tragedy, and I especially hate the implication abuse victims can never find happiness. 

I can’t say Banana Fish is an anime I’ll think fondly of or recommend. I do still find the discussion about it interesting, much more interesting than the actual story (as presented in the anime, again, haven’t read the manga), tbh. And I can see the seeds of a good story there, and I can understand why fans would want to see a reboot that truly modernized the story, cutting out the worst stuff and giving it a better ending, while keeping the resonance of the main relationship and the good characters (I really did like Sing, and Yut Lung was interesting. Shorter and Skip both deserved way better. Also Jessica, who at least got to do something besides be victimized at the last minute. One whole female character got a few moments of agency. Hallelujah.) Maybe someday it will happen. 

In the meantime, there’s a bunch of cool articles on Banana Fish that are worth a read. All of the pieces published on animefeminist as well as this post on Otaku, She Wrote are really informative, illuminating, and break down a lot of the issues I found here.

[prettyfunkyunorganized]

Sugar Daddy Hanzo

I WROTE 14 PAGES OF THIS BULLSHIT AND IT’S ALL BASICALLY SETUP!!!! No sex, no full kisses, just some light tension that will hopefully make you say, ‘Just bone down already!’ 

Fuck me. Sorry, y’all. 6,500 words of Hanzo reader-insert. I hope you enjoy! Break in the middle cause it’s long AF.

EDIT: OMFG I’m the worst friend ever!!! This whole business world AU is based on my bud @watch-your-grammer ‘s post here. She’s glorious and so is her work.

The rest of the story: pt two, pt three, pt four, pt five

“This place is packed,” you muttered to yourself, squinting at the beautiful restaurant around you, “but I had no idea there were going to be this many people here.”

“Oh stop being a baby,” your friend Lori snapped, rolling her eyes at you and shoving you toward the party. You glared back at her.

“What, I’m not allowed to be surprised,” you grumped.

“You were complaining,” Lori said, letting out a dramatic sigh, “as usual. Being a crabby bitch because you’d rather be hiding at home than out at an amazing party. As usual.”

Ever fiber of you wanted to snarl something fierce back to your ‘friend,’ but wouldn’t that just prove her right? And besides, you were better than her jabbing bullshit. Most of the time. Instead, you just took a deep breath and headed to the bar.

“Yeah, go get a drink,” Lori snorted, “we all know you can’t do anything social without liquid courage.”

“Yup,” you sighed, wrestling down your anger, “you know me. Just a complete booze addicted social shut-in. It’s not like I have a job in which I interact with people every day and drink responsibly on the few occasions where I do drink.”

“What was that,” Lori said, evidently not quite hearing your snarkiness.  

“I said, uh, look, isn’t that your man over there,” you lied.

Loir perked up, grinning as she saw her sugar daddy, Hanzo. “Damn right that’s my man,” she purred.

“Uh-huh. So you going to go hang with him or – “ Poof! She was gone without another word. “Thank God,” you grumbled.

For the next few hours, you were a good little party goer, making a point to chat with everyone you knew and even managing to meet a few potential colleagues –  Overwatch had some of the most remarkable people working for them! What you wouldn’t give to be involved . . . A night basking in the glow of this incredible company would have to be enough, though. For now.

While in the midst of a conversation with an interesting British woman and her lovely girlfriend, an announcement was made that the first course would be served soon, making everyone scuttle about to find their seats. You were tucked toward the back with the rest of the lower-tier guests, which was just fine, but much to your surprise, Lori and her impeccably dressed beau were already there waiting for you. The striking man looked up as you approached, but your friend couldn’t be bothered as you awkwardly sat beside them. Could she be any more . . . handsy? Even Hanzo seemed a little off-put, gently pushing Lori into her own seat and off his chest.

You nodded and gave your best smile as Hanzo straightened his tie. He dipped his head in response.

“Way to interrupt,” Lori pouted at you.

“Um,” you said with a raised brow, “sorry I didn’t want to just be standing around as they served the salads?”

“Whatever. So selfish,” she said, putting her pointy nose in the air and crossing her arms. Hanzo gave her a slightly confused look.

“Is this woman not a friend of yours,” he asked.

“I mean, I guess. Sorta,” Lori replied, seeming a bit surprised by his question.

You were taken aback. Sure, the two of you weren’t besties, but hearing Lori say that was still hurtful. You’d bailed her out of work mistakes a million times, you had sat through hours of her ridiculous sympathy-earning stories, and you had taken looked after her in the midst of hangovers or Plan B store runs too many times to count. That had to be more than ‘sorta’ friends, didn’t it?

Or you were just her doormat friend.

That seemed most likely.

You squirmed sheepishly as you realized just how much Lori had been using you, Hanzo watching you all the while, only making things worse.

“Either way,” he said standing up, “a bit of candor would do you well. You treat people like shit, and you are likely to end up alone. I would know.”

Hanzo turned and began to walk away, Lori scrambling to grab his arm before he got too far. “Babe, wait! Where are you going? Aren’t you sitting with me?”

“No,” he said flatly, pulling away from her tight, desperate grip effortlessly. “This is a business function, and I have much to attend to. Should I have a moment to spare and the desire to spend it with you, I will let you know.”

His stride was long, powerful, and purposeful as he crossed the room to one of the front tables – right in the limelight. Despite his appearance and grace, you couldn’t quite understand why Lori was so infatuated with him. The guy was kind of a dick. A vaguely disapproving expression came to your face as you watched him walk away.

“The fuck is that look,” Lori hissed, making you jump in your seat.

“N-nothing,” you faltered.

She had a ferocious glint in her eyes. “You shouldn’t even be looking at my man, but especially not like that!”

“Look, Lori, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you,” you said scooting away from her.

“That man is a god, you got that? Perfection! Do not look at him like he’s anything less than that,” she seethed. Christ, you’d really pissed her off.

You tried not to laugh, you really did, but you couldn’t help it. “A ‘god,’ Lori? Seriously? That’s just weird. And unhealthy. Putting anyone on a pedestal like that is . . . a lot. Too much. Unhealthy, even. Maybe you should think about this thing you’ve got with Hanzo.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Lori growled, grabbing your arm so hard you winced. “You don’t have the fucking right to even speak his name! Never talk about him like that again! Never!”

“Okay, okay,” you said softly, eyes wide, trying to calm her down before even more people started to stare at you. “I will never say anything like that again, honest. Just, take a breath, will you?”

“Fuck you,” Lori growled, nearly dislocating your shoulder as she tossed your arm back toward your body.  

The salads and main course came painfully slow, you staying silent the whole time as Lori fixated on Hanzo like an addict. All the other patrons at your table were giving the two of worried glances, and you gave them tenuous shrugs in response.

“Leave it to Lori to ruin my night. Again,” you whispered. Once people began to mill around for another round of drinks before dessert, you were quick to hop up and avoid Lori. Thankfully, no one else seemed to be dwelling on your friend’s outburst, and you were able to settle back into a more relaxed mood. Sipping a mint julep helped, too.

While the night was going better, you were still feeling drained before long, as if the crowd of people had sapped the life out of you, but there was some kind of dark chocolate torte coming so, of course, you were going to stay. You just needed to hide somewhere quiet for a few. That should help.

Hopefully.

It took a bit of looking, but you managed to find a little hallway in the back of the restaurant with a fancy loveseat. The spot was probably meant for storage space, but you didn’t mind. The music wasn’t so loud here, and a large fern kept you shielded you from anyone who might be passing by. As you sunk into the firm seat, a soft hum slipped from your lips. “God bless alone time,” you moaned, absentmindedly running your fingers along the velvet of the small sofa.

You weren’t sure how long you had been sitting there, and you couldn’t care less, but then a sudden flash of movement in the corner of your eye made you look up. Hanzo stood a few feet away from you, scanning the little room carefully, his posture the same as a child looking for a place to hide a broken vase.

To be honest, he was a kinda cute like this – slightly disheveled and sorta shaky. It was nice to know he wasn’t always so composed and presentable.

The moment he saw you, Hanzo jolted and quickly straightened his back, but his face wouldn’t cooperate, a slight pinch stuck in his strong brow.

“Forgive me,” he said with a tense bow, “I did not mean to disturb you.”

“You haven’t,” you said with a small smile. “I didn’t mean to catch you off guard.”

His frown grew, and he cleared his throat. “You did not, I assure you,” he said curtly.

You covered your mouth in an effort to hide your smirk – probably best not to anger the newest Overwatch partner. Hanzo ran his fingers through his hair and shifted his weight to his other foot. He looked a little like a lost puppy, unsure of what to do next.

“Were you looking for a place to avoid everyone, too,” you asked genuinely.

“I, well,” Hanzo fumbled, his body somehow going even more rigid as you watched him.

“No judgment if that’s the case,” you said leaning against the wall and taking a drink from your glass. “That’s why I’m here. Being in a room with that many other people always starts to grate on me after a while.”

“I shall leave you be then,” Hanzo said understandingly, moving back toward the party.

“No, no! I didn’t mean it like that,” you said, a flush coming to your face. “I didn’t mean to sound rude. I’m sorry. You’re more than welcome to join me if you need a break. There’s not a more secluded spot here – I checked.” You patted the seat beside you and scooted closer to the wall so there would be a more acceptable distance between the two of you.

There was still a hefty amount of hesitance in Hanzo’s appearance, but after a moment he rolled his neck and joined you. He all but flopped onto the seat, rubbing his face and letting out a deep sigh.

“Are, uh, are you alright,” you asked after a few minutes of silence, Hanzo merely sitting there with his eyes closed and his body almost frighteningly still.

“I will be,” he huffed, streching and giving you a momentary glance. “It has been a long time since I was at a gathering like this and it seems I have lost my ability to . . . endure this sort of thing.”

“Understandable,” you said with a small nod, taking a drink from your glass. “I felt the same way when I got this new job in public relations. Went from a quiet little cubicle to schmoozing. Ugh.”

Hanzo turned to you as you made that disgusted noise, chuckling at your grimacing face. “If you do not like the position, why did you take it?”

You shrugged. “It was upward movement, and isn’t that supposed to be a good thing? Besides, it’s not like I loved the cubicle gig. I guess I’m trying to test the waters, see what fits and what doesn’t, what I like and what I don’t. Unfortunately, it seems like I’ve been finding a lot more of the latter recently, but good lordy I’m rambling,” you laughed, brushing back your hair. “Sorry. You came back here for a reprieve from the socializing and here I am yapping at you.”

He shook his head and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “There is no need to apologize. I asked, after all. Your answer was not all that long either. In truth, I appreciated the honesty it in. If I had asked anyone else here that same question, they likely would have launched into a lengthy description of their resume and career goals in an effort to obtain a better job. Your admittance that you are unsure of what you want is . . . refreshing.”

A wily smile crossed your lips. “You get a lot of brown-nosers?”

“Brown-nosers?” Hanzo’s thick brows were pressed into a long, furry line. Ah hell. He was pretty damn handsome – not handsome enough to warrant Lori’s obsession, but still. Damn.

“Yeah,” you said, forcing yourself out of your momentary stupor, “brown-nosers. Have you never heard that term before?” He shook his head, and you smacked yourself in the forehead. “Whoops,” you giggled, going bright red.

“What is it,” Hanzo pressed, clearly intrigued.

“It’s just a stupid saying.”

“It seems like the colloquialisms will never end,” he muttered. “Go on, tell me then.”

“Um,” you wavered, “it basically means someone who tries to sweet talk you, saying and doing little things to make you like them.”

“Like when someone tries to ‘butter you up,” Hanzo asked, taking the whole conversation way too seriously.

“Yes, exactly,” you smiled, hoping that would be the end of it.

“Why ‘brown-nosers’ then?”

Dammit.

You groaned, biting your lip to keep from smiling any more. “It’s vaguely vulgar.”

Hanzo scoffed. “I am not a young man, miss, I am sure I can handle whatever this is.”

“Alright,” you snickered. “Ever heard the expression ‘he’s kissing your ass?’”

“Yes,” he said slowly, still not making the connection.

“Son of a – okay. So let’s say you go to literally kiss someone’s ass, can you imagine where your nose might go? And how it might get, well, brown?”

“Good lord,” Hanzo sputtered, his whole body twisting away from you as the visual took form in his mind. He grimaced, maybe even shuddered, and you burst out into laughter.

“Holy cow, I’m crying,” you coughed out, still trying to stop giggling.

“Well I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” Hanzo said in a somewhat pouty tone.

“You shoulda seen your face,” you giggled.

The man’s head slowly turned, revealing a glare that probably should have been terrifying, but the red tint in Hanzo’s cheeks was precious, so you just grinned back.

“I tried to warn you.”

He kept glaring, but his shoulders softened a bit. “I suppose you did.”

“You basically insisted! Was I just supposed to say ‘no’ to the fabled Hanzo Shimada? The man, the myth, the legend: Hanzo Shimada?  I think not.”

A devious smirk suddenly crossed Hanzo face, and you took in a sharp breath. He was both frightening and alluring, looking at you like that. Mostly alluring. “What a little brown-noser you’ve become! A filthy habit. Quite unbecoming of a young woman such as yourself.”

Was . . . was he joking with you? Well, that was flattering as fuck! You beamed, shaking your head and snorted in amusment.

Hanzo was chuckling too, which you took to be an immense compliment. It was probably wrong to be feeling this giddy around your friend’s sugar daddy, but she was a shitty friend so . . . too bad?

As if on cue, Lori’s fanciful dress came fluttering into view. Sloppily.

“Oh no,” you whispered, your face falling flat. She was drunk. Very drunk.

“Lorelai,” Hanzo said, pursing his lips.

“Hey schnook’em,” Lori cooed, tripping over to his side and tumbling into his lap. Hanzo recoiled as her bony body hit a particularly sensitive spot.

“What are you doing,” he growled, setting Lori onto the seat in the middle of you.

“Looking for you, sexy,” she said groping his upper thigh. Hanzo instantly slapped her hand away. Lori slumped, rocking backward involuntarily and noticing your presence. “Uh, what the actual fuck are you doing here?”

“Just chatting,” you explained, knowing Lori would jump to the worst case scenario, “nothing more.”

“Why do you got to say ‘nothing more,’” she seethed.

You rolled your eyes. “Look, I’ll just go, how about that?” With a strained smile to Hanzo you stood and began to walk away, but Lori grabbed your wrist.

“Oh no you don’t! You are going to tell me what the shit you’re doing sitting by my man. And gimme that drink,” she spat, tearing the glass from your hand.

“Perhaps you have had enough, Lorelai,” Hanzo said with an annoyed drum of his fingers on his shapely forearm.

“What’s one more,” Lori shrugged, trying to lean in for a kiss, but she was only greeted with empty air as Hanzo stood up to get away from her.

“It’s just cranberry juice,” you explained to him, “it’s probably a good thing for her at this point.”

“Thank goodness someone still understands the concept of responsible drinking,” Hanzo said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Lori barked.

The frustration in Hanzo’s voice was palpable as he stared down at Lori. “You’ve gone too far, yet again. At a company function, no less.”

“Fuck this company bullshit,” Lori scoffed, “let’s go back to your place, have a little fun!”

She leaned directly for Hanzo’s crotch, and your eyes darted to the ceiling uncomfortably, but you could still see Hanzo jump back.

“Enough,” he snarled. “I have told you time and time again that is not what I want from you! Just go home, Lorelai, and try not to embarrass yourself any more on the way out.”

“I’m not leaving yet,” she snorted, “I’m having a great time! And you haven’t even danced with me yet.”

“Nor do I have any intention to, especially when you’re like this,” Hanzo said.

Lori’s attention went back to you. “Are you trying to get with my man?”

“What,” you gaped, “no! Lori, of course not! I’m not like that. I know how much you like him.”

“You lying sack of shit,” she growled, “I’ll fucking kill you!” Lori’s manicured nails were suddenly coming at your face with incredible drunk accuracy.

“Calm down, Lori,” you begged desperately, wrangling her arms to her sides. Rather quickly, she lost her strength and began crying weakly into your neck while Hanzo looked on in stunned horror.

“She’ll be fine,” you mouthed to him. “Now that she’s crying she’ll be out in like half an hour. It always goes down like this.”

“You say that as if you have seen this before,” Hanzo said quietly, angry lines forming on his forehead.

“I have,” you shrugged, patting Lori’s back halfheartedly. “You want me to take her home?”

“No,” Lori whined, trying to wiggle away from you, “I don’t wanna! And I’m mad at you! Stay away from my man.”

“But if I take you home, I’ll be away from Hanzo,” you said sweetly, toying with Lori’s alcohol-riddled mind. She fell for it, nodding weakly and letting you sling her arm over your shoulders so you could walk her out.

“What a mess,” Hanzo sighed as you tired to steady your wasted companion. “You should not have to be the one to look after her.”

“I got it,” you said with a half-smile. “Not the first time, won’t be the last. It was nice meeting you, though. Hopefully you won’t end up remembering me as just your sugar baby’s party mom.”

“That will not be the case, I promise you,” Hanzo said, reaching into his jacket. “When you get her home, please let me know. I should be the one to be dealing with her, but . . .”

“People to see, business to do,” you offered, slipping his shimmery card into your purse.

“Yes,” he said with a guilty look. “I appreciate you doing this.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you said heading toward the nearest exit, “no sweat, she’ll be fine and back to . . . whatever it is you two do soon.”

You could feel Hanzo’s eyes on you right up until the restaurant’s door swung close behind you, which was somewhat disconcerting, but you had little time to dwell on it, what with having to take care of Lori. Flagging down a taxi and shoving in an angry drunk woman inside was such a pain in the ass, almost as bad as hauling her up to her apartment and dragging her into bed while she tried to fight you. Again. The whole escapade took over an hour and a half, leaving you tired and salty afterward.

“I hope those stupid glittery tights give you a rash, Lori,” you muttered, walking back onto the city’s bustling streets and pulling out your cell. Calling Hanzo at this time of night seemed strange – inconveniencing or inappropriate, but leaving the man’s request unfulfilled seemed just as wrong, so you dialed his number shakily.

“Please don’t be there, please don’t be there,” you whispered. “Just let me leave a voicemail so I don’t have to – ”

“Hanzo Shimada speaking.” He sounded just as formidable over the phone. Of course he did.

“H-hello, Mr. Shimada. I’m just calling to let you know that I got Lori home safe, no need to worry. She’s asleep and not going anywhere.”

He sighed, and his voice was a bit gentler the next time he spoke. “Thank you for keeping me informed, it is much appreciated.”

“Not a problem,” you said, bouncing on your heels. “I’ll let you get back to the party now. Take care.”

“Just a moment,” Hanzo said hurriedly, “I am no longer needed here, and I would like to . . . discuss something with you, if you have a moment.”

“Oh,” you said timidly, trying to understand why on Earth this man was bothering with you. Had you done something wrong? You had probably done something wrong. Or maybe he just needed to threaten you into keeping the sloppy antics of his sugar baby quiet? That kinda made sense.

“Forgive me, I just looked at my watch. It is dreadfully late, perhaps I should just speak with you tomorrow,” Hanzo said after your long pause.

“No, no, that’s fine. I suddenly find myself wide awake,” you huffed, massaging your temple.

“Is something wrong,” he asked slowly. “I do not wish to bother you.”

You laughed through the tension building in your gut. “Oh, you know, it’s just not every day you go to a swanky party, meet a mass of important people, haul your unappreciative wasted friend home, and then start up a chat with one of the biggest names in the business world. Hell of a night. Hell. Of. A. Night.”

Hanzo chuckled at your frazzled tone which really did not make you feel better. “I do believe Lorelai’s behavior cost you your dessert course. Allow me to make it up to you. Where are you?”

“Um,” you hesitated, “still by Lori’s.”

“Wonderful,” he said, his voice becoming much more casual, “meet me at Leone’s Confections. I will be there as soon as I am able.”

The line went dead, and you were left staring at the touchscreen in disbelief. “The fuck have I gotten myself into?”

While it wasn’t exactly a short walk to the little candy shop, the trip flew by as your imagination began to race with possible scenarios for the rest of your night. You couldn’t help but think about the rumors about Hanzo – the missing competitors, the arson suspicions, the ruined lives of those who spoke against him. Not to mention his brother. No one knew for sure when had happened to him, but you had seen the younger Shimada for yourself, patched back together with circuitry and metal.

You were scared.

Surrounded by the heavenly scent of sweet flavors, but scared.

Maybe you’d at least get some good chocolate before you were blackmailed and forced to leave the country?

A small bell dinged, and Hanzo strode through the door of the otherwise empty establishment, exchanging a friendly greeting with the old man behind the counter before coming to join you at the small table.

“I hope I did not keep you waiting,” he said sitting across from you and crossing his leg over the opposite knee.

“N-no,” you said, the word crumbling in your throat.

Hanzo’s head tipped to the side curiously. “Are you feeling alright? You are shaking.”

“Fine, sir, fine,” you lied, clamping your hands together to keep them from twitching with nerves.

“Sir?” Hanzo seemed almost offended, but then he looked at the empty table and glanced at the shop owner and sighed. “Leone, this is not that type of meeting, no need to be inhospitable. Turn on the music, get the woman a drink.”

“How was I supposed to know,” the other man grumped, “most of the time when you bring people here in the middle of the night it’s not for pleasantries.”

Classical music began to float from the speakers and Leone brought you each a cup of water, convincing you to relax just a hair. As Leone set down your glass, he leaned in to whisper, “Usually he’s here threatening gents and smackin’ people around. There’s a reason Mr. Fancy-Pants-McGee wears black gloves, little lady.”

“Leone,” Hanzo warned with a scowl.

“They don’t show the blood stains,” Leone explained. Your eyes went wide, and you couldn’t think of anything to say in response, especially when the old fart winked at you.

“LEONE!”

The man burst out laughing and walked away as Hanzo put his head in his hands miserably.

You were going to beat Lori’s skinny ass for getting you into this.

“That is not true,” Hanzo said once he looked up and saw your terrified face. “Well, somewhat true, but – chikushō! I am not here to hurt you, I promise, and please, do not be frightened of me. You are safe here, I assure you.”

Hanzo’s face was oddly . . . sad, as if your fear was a terrible scolding. “Alright,” you said with a deep breath, “it’s just, well, this is a lot to take in. I’m not used to being around people of your, I suppose, rank. Alone. In the dead of night.”

“You apprehension is understandable,” Hanzo said softly, smiling at you in a way that made your heart race, “but I hope it will dissipate.”

“Not gonna lie to you,” you said with a small smirk, “chocolate would help.”

His rolling laugh was loud enough to fill the whole room and warm enough to give you the shivers. “When does chocolate not help? Leone! Put your finest blend on the stove for me, will you?”

“It’s already bubblin,” the old man replied, “want it doctored up tonight?”

Hanzo looked back to you. “How do you prefer your cocoa? Minty? Topped with cinnamon? Extra rich?”

“Is kicked in the ass with chili pepper an option?”

“Oh, I like her,” Leone snickered.

“An excellent choice,” Hanzo agreed with a grin.

A few moments later you were breathing in the scent of perfectly spiced cocoa and marveling at the impeccable taste dancing along your tongue. Your eyes were closed in reverence and for a second or two you for all about the situation around you.

“Ara ma-a,” Hanzo murmured softly, making you jump. He was staring at you, something like shock on his face.

“What is it,” you asked, wiping your nose in case you had whipped cream on it.

“You are beautiful. Incredibly so. I could not help but notice at the dinner party, but seeing you here, like this – perfection.”

“I don’t know what you say,” you admitted, face red as a rose and innards twisting like old roots.

“Perhaps I was wrong,” he said slyly, “seeing you flustered is somehow even more immaculate.”

“Oh, now you’re just trying to rile me up,” you scoffed, laughing at your own embarrassment. “Rude, sir. Very rude.”

“It needed to be said,” he insisted, still ogling you.

“I’m sorry,” you said shaking the timidity from your mid, leaning forward onto the table and looking Hanzo right in the eye, “don’t you already have a girl on your arm? My friend, even? It’s downright dishonorable of you to be showering me with flirtations and stealing glimpses of me in this low cut dress like that.”

“What,” he gulped, jolting back and looking at you disbelief, “I was not – I would never do such a thing! Yes, I may have been . . . forward with my compliments, and I apologize if that was too much, but I swear I was not ‘stealing glimpses’ of – ”

You let out a loud snort as you started laughing again. “Got you good, didn’t I, Mr. Shimada?”

He frowned at you, face pinched as you giggled and drank your hot chocolate. “You were joking.”

“Yes,” you nodded.

“Trying to frazzle me as I frazzled you.”

“Yup.”

“Hm,” he grunted, slowly crossing his arms and looking you up and down, “not many are brave enough to do such a thing.”

“You’re the one who started it,” you muttered, peeking out from behind your mug.

A smile bloomed on his face again. “It was not my intention to upset you! I was only – ”

“Only saying crazy flirty stuff that would make any girl stammer!”

He set out a loud scoff, but shrugged in agreement. “I suppose that is true. Please accept my sincere apology. It has been a long time since someone had the nerve to call me out on what I say and it seems I may have lost touch with conventional social guidelines.”

“Well at least you were saying sweet things,” you replied, “it’s not as if I mind too much. I hope you weren’t too offended by me messing with you. Couldn’t help myself.”

“No offense was taken at all. Maybe I need more of that, in fact. I have not felt this . . . normal in ages.”

There was a weariness in Hanzo’s eyes that was undeniable, as if there was far too much weighing down on the man.

“Hey,” you said gently, “are you alright? I didn’t mean to ruin the mood.”

“You have not,” Hanzo said with a wave of his hand, “I did. It seems my mind is swaying into darker places all of a sudden, even in such pleasant company.”

With one last gulp, you finished the last of your drink and set it aside so you could scoot closer to Hanzo. The bags under his eyes were heavy. “Why don’t you tell me why you asked me here so you can go home and rest. You look exhausted.”

“I am,” he sighed, staring out the window, “and the exhaustion never seems to go away.” After a lengthy pause, Hanzo’s gaze shifted back to you with a thin smile. “What a terrible host I am, lapsing into pensive silences and forcing you to stay up so late. I am not usually this thoughtless.”

“At least the drinks are good,” you teased lightly, “now, tell me what else you need from me before you pass out in that chair.”

“Right,” he huffed, gloves running through his long bangs, “I mostly wished to compensate you for any trouble Lorelai may have caused you – the cab fare, things of that sort.”

“No need,” you said, “I may have grabbed her credit card out of her purse and used it to pay for the ride home.”

Hanzo chuckled, “I can hardly blame you.”

“I wasn’t going to, but then she went and tore my favorite coat,” you said examining the mangled seam of your jacket. “Guess I was feeling a little petty.”

“You should have seen me after she vomited on my bed. I was irate,” Hanzo grimaced.

“Ugh,” you said with a shudder, “that’s disgusting!”

Again Hanzo lingered, as if he didn’t quite want to leave his seat despite the budding sunset.

“Is there anything else, Mr. Shimada?”

“Yes, yes ther is. Just one more thing, something that I will likely regret asking, but must nonetheless. Are you, by any chance, available? I have dismissed Lorelai from my employ and am looking for someone to take her place. I would very much like it to be you.”

“O-oh,” you blurted bluntly, shocked by his offer.

Hanzo was on his feet in a flash, taking a step back from you. “Forgive me, I should not have – ”

“It’s okay,” you said quickly, heat radiating from your cheeks, “I was just surprised is all! I didn’t mean to seem unappreciative or – ”

“There is no need to explain,” he said, his voice abrasive and cold all at once.

“But I want to,” you said desperately, standing in front of him with your hands over your heart. “It’s not that I’m not flattered – I am – but I’ve never done anything like that before, being a sugar baby or whatever you want to call it! I’m not from a wealthy family like Lori is, I don’t know fancy table manners like she does, heck, I was terrified to go to this party tonight because I was afraid everyone would know what a cheap dress this is. I’ve never owned anything designer-y in my life! You’re a refined man, and you should have someone equally refined on your arm.”

“Refined,” Hanzo repeated, inching closer to you and sitting on the table, his arm close enough to touch if you just extended your fingers. “I have been with refined women most of my life, some very unrefined ones as well, but I am alone yet again. None of them have ever been what I needed. You, however.” He took your hand, turning it over in his own. “I have smiled more with you in the last half hour than I have in years. I do not care how you were raised, what cutlery you use, or what brand you wear. I simply want you. As you are. To see if this feeling of ease you have given me can last.

Unfortunately, I am not in a position to date normally. My past is . . . complicated, and I will not burden anyone with the mess of a man I have become. Should you be interested in spending some time with me, I would happily pay you. I would prefer it that way, honestly. This sort of arrangement allows me to see someone with enough distance to – Forgive me, I don’t know how to explain it. I simply feel better like this, with a clean cut exchange of services, odd as that may seem.”

“I understand,” you said thoughtfully, “well, maybe not entirely, but enough. The payments makes you feel as if there is a more proper trade, and if something goes wrong, things can be cut short with less drama. Hopefully. But I guess there’s always a Lori or two out there to complicates things.”

“True,” he laughed, rubbing his eyes. “On all accounts. I believe that is why the ‘sugar daddy’ relationship appeals to me, at least for now.”

You took another moment to think, but in all honesty, your mind was already made up. Hanzo was a fascinating, handsome, captivating man, and you couldn’t deny the attraction pumping through your body. And life in this city wasn’t cheap. Maybe you should try something new, something you craved for the sheer unusualness of it all.

“I’m free tomorrow,” you said leadingly.

“Really,” he asked, brows high.

“Sure am. You might have to be patient with me, though. I’ve never done anything even remotely like this before.”

“You have my word, I will never force you into anything you do not wish to do,” he said, squeezing your hand before letting it drop.  

“Sounds good then,” you smiled.

Hanzo stood, and you automatically swayed closer to him. Good god, he was doing things to you . . . Things the world had taught you to be ashamed of. Things that felt wonderful.

“I am overjoyed to have you to accept,” he said, “but I should warn you.”

“What,” you groaned worriedly.

He smirked. “I usually start arrangements of this nature with a kiss. A way to test the waters, if you will.”

“Oh is that so,” you said doubtfully. Hanzo only shrugged, his grin widening. You pretended to think it over for a moment, something in the sweet shop’s glass case catching your eye. “I’ll let you kiss me on the cheek,” you said firmly, “but that’s all I’m comfortable with tonight.”

“I will happily take what I can get,” he hummed, putting his hand on your waist and pulling you closer. His kiss was incredibly tender and lingered just long enough to make you want more. Fuck. He might be too good.

“Are you sure that is all you want,” he asked, fingers winding to the small of your back.

“Yes? Yes! For now.” You returned his kiss with a quick peck on Hanzo’s cheekbone. “Bribe me with some dark chocolate raspberry truffles, and I’ll probably let you have a proper smooch. Maybe.”

“I will keep that in mind,” he laughed.

“I swear I’m not a sellout,” you said awkwardly, embarrassed by your own offer.

“Do not be ashamed of this, my beauty, or you will not enjoy it, and I would hate for that to happen,” Hanzo said, releasing you.

“I’ll do my best,” you said, feeling a bit lightheaded. He walked you to the street, waving down a taxi and paying the driver in advance.

“Thank you, Mr. Shimada,” you said through the window, the cabbie more than willing to let you chat another moment as he counted out his lofty tip.

“My pleasure, but we will have to discuss this “Mr. Shimada’ matter next time we meet.”

“Would you prefer I call you something else?”

He stroked his jawline carefully. “That will depend on the nature of our relationship. Usually, Mr. Shimada is fine, but perhaps not for you.” He leaned onto the metal of the car door, a scheming look in his eyes. “In time, I will likely allow you to call be Hanzo in private, possibly even in public if this goes well. But,” he leaned in closer, “if this goes very well, I will hopefully be able to convince you to call me ‘master,’ at least when I have you strung up above my bed.”

In an instant your whole body was flushed red, stunned and hungering for more, your mouth stammering uselessly.  

“Into the kinky shit,” the cab driver said, ruining the mood, “nice.”

Both you and Hanzo glared at the man in perfect time.

“Do not make me come in there,” Hanzo growled, “I imagine it would be quite hard for you to do your job with all ten of your fingers broken.”

“And sitting in a car all day after surgery for a broken urethra isn’t real fun either,” you snapped.

The driver’s eyes went wide, and his mouth clamped shut.

“Good choice,” you mumbled, turning back to Hanzo for a quick good night, but he was staring at you with a dumbfounded expression that made you laugh. “Okay, so, once upon a time in college I may have kicked a misogynist in the crotch so hard I broke his dick. It was an accident, but not one I really regretted.”

“Wa-o,” he sputtered, melting into laughter so strong he had to wipe tears from his eyes, “you are a marvel. Go, now, before I change my mind and beg you to come home with me.”

“Okay,” you giggled, thankful you hadn’t scared him off. “Take care, and get some sleep, alright? You look you could keel over.”

“I will,” he promised you with a warm smile. “Until tomorrow, my beauty.”

@watch-your-grammer @collinssie

[fizzingwizard]

Episode 32 arrives! It’s, I gotta say, quite an improvement on what we’ve had lately. Quite an improvement. Even so, it’s nothing that’s gonna rock the world... but hey, I was so desperate for something different to happen that y’know what, I’ll take it.

Pic of the week:

A Digimon who just wants to roll around in the grass. Go’way, baddies.

More below!

So as you probably gather... we start with Takeru this week! Haha! Good riddance Taichi! I luv ya but I’ve had enough of ya! Take a break!

jk I totally missed him the whole thirty seconds he wasn’t on screen

Takeru and Patamon are running for their lives, of course! Patamon makes a valiant effort to evolve to protect Takeru but...

... Poor baby. He gave it the ol’ college try but he just ain’t as young as he used to be.

Things look grim until Komondomon shows up with a creepy disembodied hand sticking out of his fur!

Phew, it’s just Sora. Her brilliant plan to rescue Takeru is to grab his arm and drag him along with them... I mean... sure... Whiplash has been proven Not A Thing in this universe so...

After getting rid of their pursuer, the group checks in with the others. I’m reminded of how silly separations feel when you can just communicate with each other by walkie-talkie. Yamato’s been riding Garurumon for a long time now lol. At least we got to see him...

He sweetly encourages Takeru and tells him the best thing he can do to help Patamon with his evolution issues is be there to support him. Then he tells Taichi “I leave Takeru in your case.” Ok sure, like Sora’s not right there...

Taichi: In my care? Should I point out that I already lost one little sibling to the dark side? Nah...

Seriously, though... that’s the current situation. Taichi is actively going over SkullKnightmon to get Hikari back. If Takeru stays with him that just means Takeru gets to go into danger again too. Of course, it seems that the dark side is suddenly uninterested in Takeru and Patamon so... I guess it’s okay 9_9

We then check in with Mimi! Who is being her awesome Mimi-tastic self. Ugh I love her.

Wondered what happened to Golemon. Turns out there was nothing much to worry about because no one loves a macho boxing match like Tachikawa Mimi. If there’s ever a season where these kids grow up, I hope Mimi is like, a big fan of sumo or something.

Taichi: O... kay... well... Mimi sure is... an intersting person...

Agumon: Hey you should make her your girlfriend!

Taichi: what nOOO BAD IDEA ABORT ABORT

Meanwhile, the situation with Jou is, um, questionable to say the least...

(how is keeping that towel on)

Jou: HEEEEELP!!!

Taichi: ... you didn’t hear anything, did you? Me neither. *closes link*

Finally we check in with Koushirou. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what he says. -__-;

At least we see him get bombed a bit. He’s okay though.

Meanwhile unconscious Patamon gets a visitor from baby angel Lopmon, who tells him about hist lost memories.

He adds that the other legendary warriors have lost their power and it’s up to Patamon and his bond with Takeru to save the world more or less.

He encourages Patamon to find his hope.

Patamon: Who am I? What am I? All before me is dark. I know not what path to take.

The others, having nothing better to do, peep on Patamon’s crisis of faith.

Takeru relates a story about learning to swim and being scared of the water, but Yamato stayed with him so eventually he was able to learn to do it. Aww. Not quite comparable to Hikari’s “I wet the bed and Taichi changed the sheets and then told our parents that he was the one that did it” from the 99 series but still pretty good.

The sweet moment is interrupted by a flash of light! Then dark! Then light! Then dark!

It’s another scary Digimon! Oh dear. It’s Kerberomon. A three-headed Cerberus as I’m sure you figured out. Once again, this show does not how to convey what the stakes are. After everything we’ve been through, it’s hard to take random nobody Digimon as serious as each episode wants us to take them... but it’s obvious from the build up here that Kerberomon’s going to be tough to beat for Reasons.

Greymon gets hit and says, “I let down my guard!” MAYBE DON’T DO THAT THEN

Also it is very windy.

Le ouch. This is the Digimon from earlier whose name I forgot to take down. He’s come back with his friend...

... Scarier-in-the-dark-mon.

They’re surrounded~ Oh noes and whatnot.

Taichi is a bit cool here, clinging to Komondomon’s helmet and directing the battle like a war general. Mostly he’s telling them how to avoid getting hit by Kerberomon’s powerful attacks but I like that we get to see him using his head like this.

What I think is happening here is, Komondomon isn’t as fast as the kids could be if they were on their own, so their speed is hampered and that plus the number of assailants makes this battle tough. I am sure we’re supposed to assume that the reason WarGreymon doesn’t appear is because it takes a lot of energy to bring him out, even though last time he appeared twice in the same episode -.-;

Sora decides to be useful and goes to help Takeru get to safety.

... She is immediately struck by an attack and collapses, badly hurt somehow. This is so dumb. First of all, they don’t even animate her getting hit. There’s a flash and then she’s down. She should at least get to throw herself over Takeru protectively or something. Geez. 90s anime did it so much better. She’s just standing there and gets hit. What, did she forget there was a battle raging around her?

Second, WE ALREADY HAD DAMSEL IN DISTRESS SORA. It was Jou’s motivation to be cool way back when this show was rather more interesting than it has been of late. Why do the boys need Sora to get SERIOUSLY INJURED to be able to fight?? WHY?? Like, Taichi gets caught in the line of fire ALL THE TIME, but he never gets injured to the point where he can’t continue on. (Except for that one time with Devimon but those were exceptional circumstances!)

Like, why are we making Sora so weak?? This is so unnecessary.

I guess Yamato was right by entrusting Takeru to Taichi instead of Sora though...

... Uhhh.... never mind X’D

Taichi: Whew... m-maybe no one saw that...

Our be-bibbed god reappears to offer sage advice.

Patamon recalls his final moments as Seraphimon... being enveloped into darkness.

This is cool - we see his angelic wings turn to demon ones briefly before he slides back to lower levels. Not sure if it means anything but we have been theorizing that Patamon could still be infected by the evil that wounded him in the past.

Patamon then recalls things that happened after he was reborn and I’m reminded for the billionth time how much harder the emotions around Angemon’s death hit in the 99 show...

Suddenly Patamon realizes - his hope is Takeru, and he is Takeru’s hope.

The boys put on their game faces. This is what I mean by Sora really didn’t need to get hurt here. I get that it gives Takeru a reason to be protective, but the thing that evolves Patamon is Patamon’s feelings, the same way Agumon’s feelings were what rescued them from Devimon etc. That’s an interesting thing about this show - the Digimon’s feelings seem as important to evolution as, if not more than, the kids’.

Patamon evolves!! Very creepily! But... not to Angemon!

He becomes Pegasusmon! Who... looks a lot bigger than I remember, even considering Takeru is very small... xD

So this is pretty cool! I’ve been wondering how on earth the show was gonna keep introducing evolutions after already using up so many key players, especially for Taichi. But it looks like Armor Digimon can appear, and that makes me think that we could see all kinds of evolutions for the entire team that we’ve never seen before. I like that idea, but I don’t really know if this show has time for it. Maybe it will just be Pegasusmon and Nefertimon who are available to Takeru and Hikari so the writers can preserve the angels for the most epic moments only. That seems the most likely way things will go here, and the only qualm I have with it is, they’ve played all of Taichi’s cards already, and he’s the main character. He has to have something else in the future...

He attac!!!!

Kerberomon doesn’t last long, although why is wholly inexplicable. What about Pegasusmon gives him the edge when MetalGreymon and Garudamon couldn’t handle it? Is it because he’s an Armor Digimon? That may be it but the show doesn’t bother to explain.

Another thing I’d love to see, if there are gonna be more than just one evolutionary tree for the partners, is the kids actually strategizing when they decide which evolution to use. One of the cool parts of Tamers was the kids actively supporting their partner with skill as well as heart. I don’t think that’s gonna happen in this season, but you know, a girl can dream.

Takeru: Hurray for murder!

The three Digimon work together to put the lid on Kerberomon. Garudamon has the coolest moment. Squash.

Taichi checks on Sora who seems fine now. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Aw, but these two really are adorable.

What a sweet ending card T_T I want more of these.

Okay so yeah, this episode was a much needed upper after the stream of “watch Taichi fight random forgettable monsters” episodes we’ve had lately. I’m glad we got it. I still, just, like, why can’t they get the emotional build up right?? I wouldn’t say 99 Adventure did anything insanely unusual in how it treated the various crises the kids faced, but it def did a better job than this show. In 99, they understood the importance of moments of reflection, of talking about things, of showing expressions and how other characters react... And I still feel like this reboot DID do that, at least somewhat better, in the beginning. Like what went down between Yamato and Taichi after Ogremon was killed. That was pretty good.

They’ve totally lost what makes Digimon great. I hope this episode is a sign that they’re gonna take it back, but, my heart just hearts y’all.

Next episode... I’m rather surprised since we are REALLY overdue some face time with Yamato, not to mention Mimi and Jou, but apparently we’re sticking with Taichi. At least it looks lke we’ll get some new plot stuff related to Hikari.

If this all leads up to something that makes sense, I will retract all my complaints, I swear. Except about the gratuitous nonstop fighting. But the rest, I will take back.

Taichi’s determined!! This is Digimon Adventure! Let’s go on a freaking adventure!!

[abiteofnat]

BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE CALCULATED FEASTING AT TASTE OF CHICAGO... 

Because when your goal is to eat as much as possible, it becomes a game of food Sudoko. You have to manage salty with sweet, not tire yourself out with only fried foods, make sure there’s some kind of green in there, and the most important part- finding never-been-tasted tastes! After going 2-3 times a year for the past four years, it’s become difficult to find booths with new options that are both vegetarian and something I actually want to spend my golden tickets on. 

In that case, you would think going to the Taste that much would get old! But it has remained so the opposite. I see it as my Six Flags, my Lollapalooza part 1, my... DARE I SAY... Hunger Games. (HA). It’s the one weekend every year that entirely dedicates itself to food with music on the side, instead of the other way around, and brings in thousands upon thousands of people. It’s kind of cool to see people of every part of Chicago together at this f r e e festival along Columbus, with restaurants from all over offering new cuisines and experiences for every attendee. People are gnawing into turkey legs, sticking forks into three different types of cheese fries at once, and just enjoying a day out with the fam in the middle of this amazing city. Pretty cool! Even when I’m sweating like a cold beer on a hot day and little children who are not mine and covered in ~sticky~ are stuck to my legs, it’s the best thing ever. I LOVE THE TASTE.  

As per usual I ate a large amount of things and could have easily eaten soooo much more, however it was pretty clear they boosted the # of tickets per item at each booth. Usually it’s about 3-5 tickets for a “taste” of something versus the full item, but this year it was 4-6 tickets. I call BS. But, that’s why it becomes a fun game of arcade-prize selecting with the tickets! Before we dig into the meat of this photo essay style post, I want to give a giant shoutout to my new DSLR camera that has revolutionized the way I take photos for this blog. While iPhones do a great job taking people photos, the iPhone 6 that I own has taken quite a beating in my possession and has become a grainy disaster when focusing on anything detailed. Taking photos for the-hungry-sloth has now become my absolute favorite thing in the world, and photographing food is seriously tooooooooooo much of a passion for me because I get a HIGH from the crumb details you’re about to witness. Like, seriously, get ready to lose your shit because of how high-def this food looks. (I am so late to the professional game, y’all). 

I didn’t post everything I ate, but these are the highlights! 

Stop #1: PUNKY’S Pizza & Pasta 

You know when you’re a kid and if you behave super well at the doctor’s office you get to choose a treat after? Like ice cream from your favorite place or McNuggets from McDonald’s? Fried ravioli at the Taste is my post-doctor treat. I wait for it, crave it, dream of it for 364 days and then the first morning of the Taste I wake up like it’s Christmas because I know it’s RAV DAY. I AM READY TO ZOOM ON THE BACK OF A PASSING PLANE DOWNTOWN BECAUSE HOT DAMN, THERE ARE TOASTY RAVIOLIS WAITING FOR ME. 

My dear friends were rearing to go see local band Twin Peaks at the bandshell area where you can bring a blanket and get real cozy under the sun and Chicago’s skyline, however I needed a carbo boost or else they would get “hangry” Nat and not “calmly enjoying the free music” Nat. Usually I get the toasted ravioli from Tuscany’s tent, however this year we past by a new, checkerboard-clad tent that caught my eye and the smell of marinara sauce overwhelmed me and before I could stop myself my hands were throwing tickets like confetti at the nice young man behind the counter and THEY WERE M I N E. 

These ravioli were breaded to perfection, fried evenly and not dried out at all, allowed the pasta to stay moist and not tough, and had the IDEAL cheese-pull once bitten into. The sauce was sweet, robust, but not too chunky and therefore got rid of the fear of dripping on my very ~girly~ skirt. I was in a cheese-y, saucy, fried-crumbs-errywhere blackout for a solid two minutes and then came back to earth a better person. Fried ravioli are always worth the ticket. 

All smiles on the lawn, patiently waiting for Twin Peaks to start and enjoying the shade this fence attempted to give us. That twinkle in my eye? The afterglow of fried cheese. 

Sorry, Tuscany tent, I’ll catch you next year. 

Stop #2: La Mexicana

These paletas are the ROCKSTAR of the Taste! It’s hard to pass by anyone not holding a brightly-colored fruity refreshment, flavors ranging from watermelon (my pick) to strawberry to lemon-lime. They offer a much needed pick me up amidst all the “real food” options, or are the best sweet treat to use your final 3 tickets on at the end! Made with real fruit and a lot of love, these tastes or full size paletas are not something to miss. And super fun to slurp, which will become necessary after they begin to melt. 

Stop #3: I’M THE WORST I DON’T REMEMBER?! If anyone knows where these tots were from, let me know! My friend got them had I h a d to photograph them, because if this isn’t #foodporn nothing is. Ugh. Tater heaven. 

Stop #4: Brightwok Kitchen 

I’m going to be honest, this did not initially catch my eye. As someone who uses the Taste to try a bunch of unhealthy food I would never order for a meal in real life, I avoid most healthy looking items. However, I am also so very anemic, and nothing there is protein/iron packed unless you eat copious amounts of meat... so I saw tofu and vegetarian friendly symbols and headed over. I was proved WRONG for being skeptical because this little bowl of goodness was sooo yummy! I got the taste of salad topped with tofu, edamame, carrots, sesame seeds, and a miso-ginger dressing that was surprisingly refreshing on a hot summer day. This place is located downtown by DePaul’s Loop campus, and I will for sure make a point to stop by there on my way to evening classes come the fall.

Stop #5: ONE OF THE SO MANY ITALIAN ICE BOOTHS. Can’t go wrong with a palate cleanser, and check out Ivana’s fantastic nails. She doesn’t even need a spoon to scoop some up! 

Stop #6: Star of Siam

My foodie partner Erin RAN to this booth the minute we got to the Taste, as these potstickers are her version of my fried ravioli. They are very full of meat so I did not eat them, however I was enamored by their smell and enjoyed the pad thai as per usual. Not pretty to photograph though, it literally just looks like noodles. 

Stop #6: Oak Street Beach Cafe 

THESE SHRIMP BLOW BY MIND EVERY TIME. The garlic potatoes? Unreal. They are literally halves of whole potatoes cooked so perfectly and saturated with garlic, butter, and toasted on the outside to a delicious french fry consistency. OH my LORD. Me and Erin shared this full ticket price plate of wonderful, and I am still thinking about it. 

Stop #7: O’Briens Restaurant and Pub 

OK so this corn was the surprise of my life. As someone with a messed up jaw and a terrible fear of biting into an earn of corn due to past trauma, I was weary of Ivana’s desperate search for the corn. It was late in the afternoon, we were all sweaty, and I was already dreaming up the double scoop of Elephant Tracks ice cream I would force my dad to drive me to once I got back to Linden. HOWEVER. I counted my tickets, 6 left exactly, and we found the corn at a busy intersection filled with buttery people eating bright yellow, shining corn that just called to me. I just knew it would be so juicy, so salty, so *scrumptious* that I ordered one as well and said “to heck with my jaw!” 

They pulled fresh ears, still in husks, out of the basket of corn carcass and then shucked them right there, revealing the most DANK ear of corn I’ve ever seen. Then, they were dunked in a vat of steaming butter, twisted with a napkin ‘round the bottom, and then handed over like a newborn baby. Y’all. We doused these things in salt like an arsonist and a very old wooden house, and they were FIRE. The corn was soft but ripe, sweet, so juicy, and literally- I’m so sorry for using this word- squirted when you bit into it. It was straight up porn. Right there in the streets of Chicago. 

I am still in awe.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, CHECK OUT THIS FUNNEL CAKE. IT’S FROM THE FUNNEL CAKE PLACE, AND IT SMELLS LIKE ALL YOUR BEST MEMORIES PUT ON A PLATE. 

I am already counting down the days until the next Taste of Chicago (360 days) and hopefully will have more time, $100 dollars to spend, and couple new vegetarian options in the lineup! FOOD IS THE BEST. So are friends. This was a great marriage of the both. 

Until next time, Happy Eating!

-Natalie