#i drafted this last night so i could post it later but then tumblr said fuck u jalynn and i had to redo it asjkdhaksjdhdjkash

[aclosetfan]

I started this draft a long time ago based on a joke text post that goes around tumblr fandom spaces, but i can't find a link anymore. my mutuals love the greens as the secretly soft couple and i think the post fits the vibe perfectly, so here’s my spoof 😭😭

—————————

The kitchen clock read around 9 p.m., but their apartment was midnight silent. Butch sat in front of the tv, playing his video game. He kept the volume on low and muted his mic. As much as he wanted to cuss out his team, Buttercup was already asleep.

Townsville had been keeping Buttercup and her sisters busy for the last week. She was up early and in bed late, with no break in sight. He thought it was bullshit that she couldn't, at least, eat an actual dinner, but he was saving that argument for later when the dark circles under her eyes had receded slightly, and he didn't feel like such a shithead for not being able to do more to protect her.

Tonight, she had come home to him battered, bruised, and bone-tired. He had picked up her favorite take-out, and they had settled on the couch to watch a movie. They had made it about twenty minutes into the horrible B-rated horror flick when Buttercup's soft, tired snores reached his ears.

He had been only slightly disappointed. While this had been their first night together in a long time, he had been happy to see her sleeping, so he had scooped her up and placed her in bed with a kiss on the forehead.

That had been two hours ago.

He paused his game when Buttercup floated back into the living room. She wore their comforter like a cape and rubbed at her bleary eyes with a frown.

"Hey, babe," He smiled, opening his arms wide for her.

Buttercup didn't need further invitations. She plopped down on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Youse warm," She spoke into his chest.

"Bad or good warm?"

"Good."

He laughed, "Are you cold?"

"Mm."

"Come’ere then." He shuffled her around into a more comfortable position so he could still play his game with her wrapped around him. "Comfortable?"

"Mhm." She nodded, her head resting on his shoulder. "Couldn't sleep without you."

"Well, sleep now, I ain't goin' anywhere."

"Don't wanna," she said through a yawn, nuzzling into his chest. "Miss you."

Butch's heart skipped a beat as if they were still teenagers and he was still hiding his miserable crush on her.

He didn't say anything back. He didn't have the words, but he held her close to him, rubbing small circles into her back and peppering kisses to the crown of her head. Her breath pleasantly tickled his neck as she fell back asleep.

He enjoyed her dead weight and marveled, not for the first time, over the fact that this was his life now—safe with Buttercup. He could act like himself, here, with her, not as some demonic entity's tool.

And it was all thanks to her.

And he was such an idiot for fighting it for so long.

His heart skipped another beat, and he held her even closer.

"You deserve an award, putting up with me." He whispered, thinking she was asleep.

"You’re m’award." She whispered back.

——————————————————————

(BONUS)

The main overhead light in their bedroom flicked on as the door banged open.

"Bubbles!" Boomer jumped onto the bed. "Bubbles! I made a lil' midnight snackieee. Do you want some?"

Bubbles' eyes snapped open with the fury of a thousand suns. Boomer stood above her, obnoxiously chewing whatever unholy midnight concoction he had slaved over. The kitchen was likely a mess.

"It’s two in the morning," She squeaked, squinting against the overhead light, "and you're getting crumbs all over me!"

"Yeah! I was craving something crunchy!" Boomer beamed, but his mouth was full of food, so his stupid explanation was garbled and only pissed her off further.

She wiped spittle crumbs off her face and flopped over on her side. "No, I'm tired. Go back to playing your video games."

"Ugh!" Boomer groaned, flopping down on the bed, "It got boringgg when Butch logged off. Let's do something else!"

"Sleep."

"That's boring too," Boomer pouted, tugging her shoulder until she faced him again. "Hey, by the way, why didn’t you say I love you when you went to bed? I was like hey babe, goodnight! Love you! And you were like, night, like what’s with that, huh? You love me, right?"

Guilt pierced her heart for a second, but then she remembered it was two in the morning. "I love you," she said.

Boomer regarded her momentarily, then addressed her dryly, "Well, it doesn’t sound sincere now!"

"Boomer." She seethed. "What time is it?"

He squinted at the alarm clock, "About two!"

"And how long have I been asleep?"

"Four hours and thirteen minutes!"

"I need more than four hours and thirteen minutes! We've been over this. I'm so tired."

Boomer frowned, putting his snack to the side. "I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm sorry. It's just that I can't sleep, and I miss you, Bubs, that's all."

This time, the guilt stayed. She knew about his nightmares, after all.

Bubbles sat up to cup his face with her hand. She kissed his cheek and said, "Oh, Boomer, it's okay, silly. I'm sorry. It's just been a long week. I'll make a midnight snack with you tomorrow."

Another bright smile broke out across his face, and he wrapped her up in a big hug before laying her back on the bed.

"Bubbie," He announced, "you deserve an award for putting up with me!"

"I really do." Bubbles smiled serenely, pulling the covers up over her head, "You’re a real dumbass sometimes. Now, go away."

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

Hello could you do more fics about ballister head injury?(love your worke❤️)

THIS RESPAWNED IN MY DRAFTS HOLY SHIT

I'm so glad you love my work thank you so much for this ask 🩷 sorry it took so long but as I had said in another post, my Tumblr ate it for breakfast and it was disappeared from my askbox and drafts. But it reappeared!!! Please enjoy your very late drabble request <3

Cw: seizures, brain injury

Ballister leaned against Ambrosius, closing his eyes. “You sleepy, Bal?”

“Mhm.” Ballister rubbed his eyes. “I couldn't get to sleep last night. Kept having headaches and weird dreams.”

“That's no good, babe. Try to take it easy today. Do you think it's your head?”

“He just said it was his head, duh.” Nimona cut in. She'd been back for the past couple months, and she and Ambrosius were still getting used to each other. Ballister chuckled. “It's probably fine.” Ambrosius made a worried face.

Eight months ago, when Ballister was on the run, he'd suffered considerable head trauma, several times, one after another after another. The whole thing left Ballister with considerable brain damage in the frontal and temporal lobes especially. It was especially significant in the first few weeks after everything happened, when he was often unsteady on his feet, spoke with slurred speech, struggled with short term memory, understanding rapid or unclear speech, and extreme emotional outbursts where he would be extremely afraid, sad, angry, or happy without apparent cause. He'd also started having seizures at that time. Ambrosius learned to deal with them, but he always hoped each one would be Ballister's last. The doctor said they'd stop eventually, but they never knew when eventually would come.

Thankfully, since then, his brain had healed tremendously. Still, Ambrosius couldn't help but worry when Ballister had anything going on with his head.

“Alright, well, just be careful, okay? Don't strain yourself.” He kissed Ballister's cheek.

Nimona cackled. “Come on, Nemesis. I don't think the boss is gonna let some dumb headache slow him down! He's not made of glass, you know. He's ten percent solid steel and a hundred percent badass!”

“My arm makes up five percent of my weight, Nimona, also it's made of titanium.” Ballister smiled at her.

“See? Even cooler.” She returned to what she was doing and Ambrosius sighed. Maybe he was being a little overly anxious.

But as the day went on, Ballister seemed off. Foggy, distracted, a little bit uncharacteristically emotional or snippy sometimes. Even Nimona noticed, Ambrosius could see the puzzlement in her face even if she said nothing. It all came to a head later that day, they were at a park and they were noticed by members of the public, who started their usual barrage, asking frankly triggering questions and requesting photographs and signatures.

Ambrosius was used to all that, but while Ballister was somewhat accustomed to it, it always stressed him out. Ambrosius managed to fish his lover and Nimona away from the paparazzi and back to the safety of their vehicle.

“You guys alright?” Ambrosius started it up, flying through the airways. Ballister didn't answer, he glanced over. “Bal?”

His lover looked distant, blinking fast, looking around in a haze. “Do you, lemon?”

“What?” Oh shit. “Nimona, take his arm off!” Ambrosius began landing the vehicle in a safe place.

“What?” She looked quizzically from the backseat.

“Now! He's having a seizure, the prosthetic is wired to his nerves and muscle, the electrical signals can make it go nuts!”

Ballister knew a seizure was coming when he tasted lemon out of nowhere. They needed to get it together quickly, he was already having trouble speaking.

Quickly Nimona reached forward and disconnected the arm, and not a moment too soon. Ballister’s face twisted and his head began to jerk, along with his right leg, a rhythmic back and forth motion. Once Ambrosius was safely parked, he grabbed the blanket from the back seat and cushioned Ballister's head, and started a timer on his phone. A car was not the ideal place for this to happen, he wasn't completely sure of the protocol. Ballister was at least buckled, so he couldn't collapse into the dashboard. “It's okay, Bal.” He whispered softly. Everything will be okay.”

Nimona's eyes were wide with terror. After sixty-two seconds, Ballister went still, his eyes blearily gazing in front of him, foggy. Ambrosius stroked his hair. “It's over, love. It's over. You're okay.”

Nimona swallowed. “What happened to him?”

Ambrosius exited the vehicle and came around to open Ballister's door so he could more closely check up on him. He unbuckled him and helped him out of the car, supporting most of his weight. “Nimona, let me lay him in the back, he needs to lay on his side.”

Nimona moved out of the way. “What happened to him?”

Once Ballister was laid safely in a recovery position, Ambrosius sat beside the car and stroked his hair. “He had a seizure.”

“A seizure? I thought you had to be born with those. I've never seen him do this before.”

“He hit his head, a lot, after–” Ambrosius swallowed. “After what I did to him. It all added up, and left enough damage that this happens sometimes. Eventually it's supposed to go away, but we have no idea when. He's okay, he just won't be able to talk for a few minutes. Will you sit back here with him? Just make sure he's breathing okay, and try to comfort him while I drive home. Sometimes he gets a little emotional. You can give his arm back, too.” He swallowed. He wanted to comfort Ballister, but he needed to get them home safely. Ballister could recover better at home.

Nimona didn't seem to know what to do, but for once, she didn't argue. Ambrosius drove home hearing her speak softer than he ever had, in a reassuring voice.

When they got home, they managed to assist Ballister inside. He could now understand speech and get out a word here and there, but he was mostly disoriented and exhausted. Once Ambrosius checked that his breathing was normal, and he didn't have any severe bites in his mouth, he tucked him into their bed and let him rest, setting a timer to wake him up and check on him.

Nimona looked gaunt, she paced the living room.

“Aren't you a thousand years old? I thought you'd be used to things like seizures. This wasn't a bad one, thankfully. He's okay, you don't have to worry.” Ambrosius was a hypocrite. He was extremely worried.

She shook her head. “Not that, I mean, I've seen them before, they're normal, I've known thousands of people– but I didn't realize— I didn't realize someone could hurt their head so easily.” She whispered.

“What do you mean?”

She swallowed. “He got hit in the face with a rock when the Institute blew up. And I dragged him home. And I didn't even try to make sure he didn't hit his head! He was getting smacked into curbs left and right and– and I thought it was funny!” She rubbed her face. “I haven't been close with a human in so long, I forgot how fragile they were, how even something like that– it's partially my fault, don't you get it? I was careless and he hit his head and now he's suffering because of me.”

Ambrosius swallowed. Ballister told him about how Nimona said he'd hit his head on the curb when she took him home, and yes, it had contributed to several in a series of head injuries. He sat on the couch. “Nimona, it's not your fault. I knew about that. The doctor said the concussions hadn't helped, but most of the damage was from the debris, from Todd beating him up, and from when he fell through the stadium floor. It's just– how it is.”

Nimona sat on the couch beside him and sniffed. “You don't understand. I forgot how easily humans can be hurt. How easily they can die.”

“Oh…” Ambrosius looked down. “Well, for what it's worth, I don't think he'd be here at all if it wasn't for you. Humans are weak, but Ballister is strong. He's kind, resilient, and forgiving– I know that better than anyone. He's gonna be fine. Don't beat yourself up.”

Nimona sniffed and smiled at him. “Thanks, nemesis.”

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

sorry to message but i just wanted to yell because I saw a post and yOU’RE THE AUTHOR OF FALLOUT FROM THE FADE ???? oh my goodness it’s my favourite fic ive read it SO many times.

i left a comment on ao3 last night because i finished reading it again and i just genuinely hope one day you finish it (i understand you have much going on i am just greedy).

but yes thank you so much for creating it, fenris and hawke are everything to me and this fic is my canon no matter what happens in veilguard. 💜

hahaha HELLO yes that is indeed I... I guess i do owe a little bit of an explanation here since its been uh... like 4 years since I last updated, yeah :| But it still makes me so happy that even after so long people still enjoy my little pile of suffering and yearning!

I don't know how many people who used to follow it are still on tumblr (I think a lot of people i used to write with/who would comment have deleted their tumblrs and AO3 accounts in the intervening years alas) but i do I owe anyone remaining a little context I guess lol. Long story made short is like very shortly after my last update i got broken up with unexpectedly from my 4 year relationship, and went into a bit of a spiral about it. I didn't fully stop writing at this point (though I think nothing I wrote in that like... year or more ended up posted anywhere), but I did realize that when I went to work on my ongoing stuff I was in a place where I was like... only wanting to write about anger/losing relationships rather than healing ones. And that part of me wanted to change some of the things I had planned for the following parts and ending of Fallout From the Fade. And so I decided to take a step back from it for a while to see if I actually wanted to make those changes when I was less bitter or if I wanted to follow my original plan.

And that took me about a year, emotionally. However by then I had actually left my prior job (where I spent a lot of time hiking/camping in the wilderness of Utah with no internet, and I used that time for writing), and started graduate school courses. Aaaannnd grad school has been slowly eating my life since. I've only posted I think one other fanfic since then, and it was a very short prose-poem one shot. Another contributing factor was my gaming tech was too old to actually play Trespasser when it came out, and by the time I got a laptop that could handle it, I had to replay the whole game but I was working full time, etc... and i felt really disconnected from the DA fandom since I couldn't read all the new fic/understand all the lore deep dive posts/experience it with everyone else simultaneously. Oh yeah and I work a second job as a professional mermaid in varying degrees of intensity depending on the season/oportunties available haha.

All that being said. I actually have written more of FFtF in the last 2 years. But like I said in the other post I made kinda recently, the long gaps between my later updates (vs the ones I was doing way more regularly in 2016-2018) had me rethink the approach I was using to write and post it, which was a chapter at a time. It felt like stringing people along in kind of a mean way to dump a chapter and then vanish for another year, and I knew I couldn't promise consistency while doing a masters/PhD program. So I've been kind of fiddling away at it slowly still, both actual writing of following chapters, and some substantial firming up/drafting sections in my outline to get to the eventual ending and ensure it's more cohesive than a lot of my slapdash chapters. But! Idk! I do also def work slower without the fun of having an audience, and miss that. and I never actually asked of the people who are left and still wanna read more of it, if they'd rather just get a chapter every 6 months or so as I scrounge it out. If you are one of those people and have an opinion def let me know.

I will say, the imminent presence of Veilguard does have me more inspired and creative again, and some of that has been going to Fallout. Especially since I'm no longer watching the videos/gameplay bioware is putting out since they have SOOO many spoilers and I wanna go into the game at least semi blind, so my creative energy has to go towards my personal stuff rather than joining everyone else in speculation and hype now. I'm definitely not promising I will have it close to finished by October when Veilguard releases, because I'm still in grad school and the next months are busy for me in terms of mermaid work too, but I am hoping I can make some good chunks of progress between now and then. But then if I say that and can't follow through after all I also don't wanna let people down.

Anyway yeah, it's sort of a lot of conflicting thoughts. But I'm still rotating Hawke and Fenris and this fic in my mind even these years later... which for me is honestly pretty normal. I mean I have whole original novels/worldbuilding ideas/etc that I've worked on for 10-15 years in my own time haha, I've been writing fiction for fun since I was like 10, so I think I also just think of stories/writing across a bigger timeline than people who start writing with fanfiction (which is MUCH faster paced) than original fiction. The difference of course is no one sees my original stuff so there's no one to care if i take 2 years between chunks of progress. SO I guess what I am trying to say is, yes definitely it is not abandoned, I am plodding away at it bit by bit, I also hope I can finish it one day!!!! that is within this decade i hope! whether or not anyone else is left to read it but me haha

[muse-soup]

Get to Know Me Meme

Name: Gyro (Enough people called me Gyro-mun back in the day that once, when I was in a group chat with two other people who had the same birth name, I said "fuck it" and just started going by Gyro. It's been ten years lmao.) Pronouns: They/Them Sexuality: Yes Single or Taken: Taken

THREE FACTS

- I've danced in a West End production of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. There was an audience participation number and some of us got pulled up on stage. - I run a D&D game on Saturdays. We started out playing Curse of Strahd, but it's kind of mutated from there. The party pissed off a night hag who is now making two of the party members collect souls for her as reparations, adopted a gate guard, created a power vacuum by killing both major political leaders and started a peasant revolt in the main hub town, "rescued" a flesh golem and left her to her own devices in the forest, may or may not have lit an abbey on fire, melted a pack of werewolves with acid, lost a party member who they are now seeking (the irl player had other commitments lol), went into a Bag of Holding to fight the Bag Man, and are currently investigating a spider cult who are a splinter faction of the canonical demon cult they stopped before the plot could unfold. It's been a wild ride. - I always type "DRAFT" on replies I save for later in case I accidentally post them.

EXPERIENCE

HOW LONG - Since I was around 12-ish? So nearly 18 years.

WHAT PLATFORMS - Neopets, an ancient Nightmare Before Christmas fan site, GaiaOnline, Facebook DMs, DeviantArt, Skype, Tumblr, and Discord. Pretty much just those last two these days.

BEST EXPERIENCE - If I could be sappy for a moment, it was probably meeting my partner (and many friends besides!) through Tumblr RP. But if we want something more specific, I was part of that giant vampire story that @dreamsofalife mentioned in her meme (x); I was the guy whose head got cut off and came back as a robot. Also worth mentioning was a big thread I did with an old pal, where their muse was turned into a swan via Magic Anon, and they decided the anon (now known as Greyfellow) would take his place as his doppelganger and try to take over the kingdom. Shenanigans ensued, a parrot trapped my muse in a pantry and lit the kitchen on fire, the Queen almost had her soul sucked out-- good times.

MUSE TYPE

FEMALE OR MALE - Any and all.

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT - Honestly? Too much fluff or too much angst becomes stale and one-note after a while, and smut's something I tend to do sparingly since it rarely adds to the plot. They're seasonings, not the main dish. I CRAVE VARIETY AND NUANCE, BABY!

PLOT OR MEMES - I'm good with both! Although I admit I default to memes if I'm feeling low energy or if I don't know my partner well.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES - Either! Sometimes you need multiple paragraphs to set your scene, and other times a simple "Oh, fuck." will suffice. As long as the other person has enough to work with, everything's fair game.

BEST TIME TO WRITE - Honestly I do my best writing either right when I wake up (whatever time that may be) or after dinner, when I get my second wind. Sometimes I get random spurts throughout the day, though.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES? - Some of them are aspirational, and some of them are just me in a hat. For the most part, though, I try to find a good balance of how much of myself I allow to slip through. And every once in a while I'll try to write a muse who's nothing like me at all, only to realize we're more alike than I thought.

[atdelilah]

as per request: HEY THERE DELILAH WHAT’S IT LIKE IN ASHMONT CITY anyways what’s poppin y’all, it’s ya girl jalynn, back at it again with ya new girl delilah whom i based off of a mixture of the gotham city siren gang (aka catwoman, harley quinn, and poison ivy)!! i’m very excited to throw her at yall

i guess the easiest way to dive in is to just explain her backstory so here goes:

she is the youngest of two girls, and her parents own/run the biggest catholic megachurch in the state so. she’s rich, she has an image to live up to

as expected, that plan flops

her older sister, abigail, very much fits the “good christian daughter” mold, but delilah is just way too curious, and asks “why?” in the middle of church service way too often to even get close to fitting that image

yes, our girl has had problems with authority and being told what to do from a very young age

naturally, her parents were hating this very, very much and this is how the seed of a very bad relationship with your parents is born

but on the bright side! delilah and her sister were close as could be, two peas in a pod when they were kids!! they were basically polar opposites in terms of personality (delilah being the kid who will ask “why?” every time you speak vs abigail just respecting authority because what else was she supposed to believe?)

that was basically how her early childhood went. her parents wanting her to be more like abigail, delilah being like “okay anyways”, and abigail being angel girl that her parents loved the most

so then comes middle school (a tough time for everyone), and stuff in delilah’s life is either hitting the fan, or taking root so it can hit the fan later

the first thing to hit the fan: her relationship with her parents. at this point, delilah figured out that no matter what she did to be her own, her parents would never stop wanting her to be a clone of abigail, so honestly? she just stopped caring about their opinion altogether

they already were set in their belief that she was disappointing, and annoying, and just too much, so why not just do what you want anyway? that’s delilah’s thought process

she just blatantly started ignoring their rules, really. she started questioning her faith in more targeted ways, she started finding ways to sneak out of the house, and went out of her way to break her parents’ “no dating” rule

also it’s important to note that delilah went to an all-girls’ k-12 catholic school and she HATED it. she snuck out because she just wanted to hang out and go to normal schools like all her rich, non-catholic neighbors. plus her mother worked at the school, and delilah took any opportunity to just do the exact opposite of whatever her mom asked of her

basically, delilah liked finding ways of reclaiming her autonomy and personal identity because her parents’ worked so hard to try to take it away from her! it’s at this point where we see her begin to do things simply because they make her feel powerful and independent! middle school, am i right

the biggest downside to this is that it starts causing problems between her and her sister. with delilah being in middle school, and abigail being in high school at the time, it’s already obvious that problems would arise just due to the differences in age. but the differences between the two only became more evident as they got older; abigail was constantly ready to go tell on delilah, and delilah was always taking jabs and saying abigail didn’t have a mind of her own. arguing was a regular occurrence. the sisters still 100% loved each other, for sure, but it’s a tough age phase they’re going through, plus there’s just no such things as siblings that don’t argue.

now we’re in high school, another horrible and weird time for teenagers across the nation, but especially for our girl delilah

her parents are so beyond sick of her at this point, really. the only reason they haven’t completely cut her out is because it wouldn’t look good if they did r.i.p

delilah stopped going to church altogether, she’d gotten busted on her escapades multiple times (not that she cared, really), and the “no dating” rule was just.....so beyond ignored

the seed had been planted when she was in middle school, but when she got into high school, delilah just completely embraced how pretty she is. boyfriends, girlfriends, flings, sexual partners; you name it, she was doing it. she didn’t really know she was gaining a lil’ heartbreaker reputation because honestly? outside of the whole power trip it gave her, she was really just having fun ahdgashdgsdj

( small disruption to say drug tw here )

big downside to high school: in the midst of her constant sneaking out and rule-breaking, she fell into some things and people that she shouldn’t have, and by her senior year (17/18 years old) she’d developed an addiction to a small variety of drugs

like any addiction, it did have big effects on a lot of aspects of her life. her grades (which she generally took pride in) were slipping massively, and all of her relationships (friends, romantic, familial aka with her sister) were falling to points that were nearly beyond repair

abigail, being the big sister she is, was extremely upset about the whole situation and basically convinced their parents to check delilah into rehab and they were on board with the plan, not because they cared about delilah’s wellbeing, but because the way she was spiraling was a liability to their image in their eyes

so now delilah is 18, she’s graduated from that k-12 all-girls school (no longer at the top of her class), and is promptly checked into rehab, we love this for her! but she absolutely hates the whole thing, so .

she didn’t hate the literal getting off of drugs, but what she hated the most was that she felt like she’d proven her parents right. to her, it was one thing to let them just assume the worst about her; it was a whole different feeling to actually give them something as big as this to root their assumptions in.

but that (plus the underlying desire to not worry her sister) was enough for her to take being rehabilitated very seriously. she did what she had to do and was out by the beginning of the next school year! probably one of the first times in her life she actually followed instructions from authority figures, honestly. but she told herself she was doing all of it because she wanted to, not because she had to.

also just something to add, it was in rehab where delilah got super into poetry and reading and classics!! it’s not like she had an abundance of things to do at her disposal, so she picked reading as a hobby to pass time but ended up being really into it. it was one of the first times where she felt like she had a purpose in life outside of living to fuck with her parents asjdhaskdjha

fast forward, we now have senior year college girl delilah!! she’s 3 (going on 4) years clean off everything she was addicted to!! we love this for her determined queen

she’s also worked really hard to rebuild her relationship with her sister and they’re back on very, very good terms. she’d do anything for her sister, period

but delilah is still delilah, she’s still a lil heartbreaker, she’s still hard-headed as ever, and she’s still got a variety of other things to learn about and grow through but i don’t wanna talk all about it here and make this longer than it already is asjdhakjsh onto the next part!

personality!

+ independent, dedicated, passionate, sensitive but lowkey she’d rather die than admit it or show it

- stubborn, prone to isolating herself mentally/emotionally, self-sabotaging, good liar but she considers this more of a skill to use here and there

100% will do anything for the people she loves......now that list isn’t necessarily long but. once you’re on that list, you’re On that list

the investigation.....

okay so basically delilah is 100% anti-daisey

she didn’t really know daisey too well growing up and didn’t really care to asdjkhasdkjh but they were both in rehab at the same time so they officially met then

but daisey enjoyed picking at delilah’s little insecurities and also talking shit about her sister, and like the picking on her was like "eh i don’t like you" but talking shit about abigail? l m a o

basically if delilah hadn’t been so determined to be on her p’s and q’s in that rehab center, she woulda beat daisey’s ass, and that’s point blank period

plus delilah just didn’t like daisey’s attitude or anything even aside from how daisey treated her specifically, like just the way she treated others turned delilah off of her

so yeah when daisey turned up missing delilah was just like that....is not my problem 😗

when daisey turned up dead delilah was like damn 😗 sucks to suck r.i.p though

i’m not saying delilah killed her or anything but i’m just saying. delilah’s got a short temper and probably had to be held back anytime daisey said anything funny about abigail (which was all the time bc like. it’s daisey)

and the whole killer on the loose sending messages thing creeps her out but like. she’s very much a go with the flow, look at the big picture kind of girl so she���s just. trying not to let it phase her too much

connections!

y’all already know i’m not picky about anything just throw an idea at me and we can make something shake

and i think that’s about it? like this, or hmu or anything if u wanna plot i’m really excited for all of ur characters to talk to the kid!! also can u guys guess which gotham city siren i pulled the most inspo from (admins not allowed to guess bc u guys already read my app)

[bubbledumbbinch]

Yandere! Idia Shroud x Camgirl! Reader SMUT

A/N: Hello! This is my first fic I've posted on tumblr, and I'm not used to using it at all. I hope this turned out okay and you enjoy! This is a College AU, implied magicless world, and reader is a camgirl.

This fic is purely 18+, minors do not interact.

Word Count: ~4.4k

Warnings: dubcon, brief mention of blood, non consensual drug use (aphrodisiacs)

Friday night, 11:24pm, 6 minutes before your scheduled time to start “work”. You had just finished putting on your makeup and outfit, now trying to hype yourself up in the mirror.

'I can do this. This is gonna be a great show!' You told yourself, while staring at your reflection wearing the revealing outfit. Tonight’s choice was a catgirl maid costume; the maid dress just barely covering your body and showing a large amount of chest. A choker with a bell on it, cat ears, and thigh high socks.

Giving yourself a nod of encouragement, you sat down in the chair in front of your desk, where your laptop and webcam were situated, along with your ring lights, one at each side of the desk so you were well lit for the camera. Making sure you were logged into the site, your camera angle looked good, and your laptop was charging, you waited.

You loved your side gig as a camgirl. You were able to appeal to multiple people’s sexual desires while also being able to bring yourself to pleasure, sometimes more than once per stream, if there were enough donations of course. You were also able to make a decent amount of money while doing this side job, paying for college while having fun was a pretty big plus. And, if you were gonna be honest, the validation of being attractive to so many people really made you feel a lot better about yourself.

You quickly noticed your clock switch to 11:30pm. Time to start. You clicked on the set of buttons you pretty much knew by heart to get the show started. Once it did, you started up some music to fill the silence. Just some cute electronic music to dance in your chair to while you wait for the viewers to come in. You didn’t really have as many as the big camgirls but you had a few loyal people come and watch your streams, which set your heart at ease.

5 viewers

cay-kun @ 11:31pm: wooow y/n-chan, you look so cute! excited for tonight’s show~

User18535 @ 11:32pm: fuck you’re so goddamn cute, i love your tits. can’t wait to see what that pussy looks like

10 viewers

You playfully giggled while reading the last message, winking and sticking your tongue out while flashing the camera your panties from under your skirt. While waiting for more people to join, you also made a point to talk to your viewers, asking about their day and what they’ve been up to recently, which they loved you for.

25 viewers

User58273 @ 11:34pm: You look so kawaii, I wish I could have you service me.

40 viewers

Glancing at the viewer count, you decide to officially start.

“Hi hiii~ I’m so happy to see you all here tonight! Let’s have some fun, hmm?” you started playfully. “Do you guys like my outfit?” Messages of “yes” and “yeah baby”s began flooding the chat and you grinned. “Well, I have something that will be a real treat for you all~”

You reached over to grab something that couldn’t be seen by the camera or the viewers.

~~~~~

Idia was browsing through the site full of nude streamers, trying to find a person to watch so he could relieve his tension from this week. It was midterms season and his Computer Science teachers were giving him hell by making him do in person presentations, exams, and assignments that kept piling up. It took a lot of time away from gaming and side projects of coding his own programs. He also unfortunately didn’t have his little brother Ortho with him in college, as the university didn’t allow them both to attend “as one student”. Ortho definitely eased some stress as someone he could trust and talk to, but Idia’s parents decided to keep Ortho at home to “prevent Idia from being distracted”, much to his dismay.

Idia was at least blessed to not have a roommate, so he could at least have his own privacy for nights like this. Idia’s eyes landed on a thumbnail of a girl that was dressed in cat ears and a lewd maid outfit and was intrigued. He clicked on the video icon and was met with your figure bent so that your ass was up and legs were spread on the chair you were previously sitting on. The girl on the stream had her panties down to her knees and was currently lubing up a cat tail butt plug.

“Ah, I’ve never used this before so, bear with me, please!” She pleaded, eyes looking directly at the camera. Idia was intrigued now this was her first time using it. He felt like this was perfect timing, almost like she was doing it just for him. Until he saw the comments flooding in from different people who were probably thinking the same way.

“Put it in already”

“Go slow okay~”

“don’t force yourself if you don’t want to! >//<”

“Tch,” Idia scoffed to himself. “Seems like she has simps already. No use in being interested in someo-“

“H- here it goes!” You moaned, starting to slowly shove the length and girth of the butt plug into your tight hole. “Aaanh~ it’s stretching me out...” Your eyes pricked with tears while your face contorted into pure pleasure with a hint of pain, all while staring at the camera. Every so often he could hear the little jingle from the bell on your choker.

Idia felt his pants getting tighter and his palms were starting to sweat. The face you made at him was just too unreal and he needed more. He palmed at his growing erection while you shivered at the feeling of being filled by the toy. Pulling his sweatpants down to his ankles, he started stroking his cock lightly.

cay-kun @ 11:38pm: oh y/n-chan the way that stretches out your hole is so sexy~ definitely taking a screenshot for later!

User39748 @ 11:38pm: SHIT i wish i was there fucking you with that in your ass

Blushing, you turned around so that one of your legs were in the chair while your other was up, effectively showing the camera a view of your pussy and butt plug. “What do you want me to do? I’ll just play with myself until someone makes a donation and tells me what I should do! Highest bidder within the next minute~.” With that, you looked into the camera again while soaking your middle and ring fingers with saliva and bringing them to your clit, rubbing small circles into it.

Idia realized that, even now, he wanted to have some kind of control over you. He had a lot of disposable income, being from a pretty rich family. The blue haired boy grabbed his credit card and began to type.

Ignia has donated $100!

Your eyes widened and you gasped slightly. Idia bit his bottom lip at the sight. “Ah, Ignia! Thank you for the donation, you’re new here! Welcome, what would you like to see me do~?” You smiled while looking at the camera. Idia felt like you were staring into his soul and he was sweating profusely. He thought for a minute, gulped, and decided to send a message.

Ignia @ 11:43pm: I want you to keep watching my messages and do what I say, kitten. First I want you to grab a vibrating dildo if you have one and put it at the lowest setting, then fuck yourself slowly with it.

Idia would never have the balls to be this bold with anybody. But this is the internet, so fuck it, he’ll be truthful and just say what he wanted.

You nodded and proceeded to grab one from the table of toys you had next to your desk, lubed it slightly, and did what he told you to. You moaned at the intrusion and the feeling of being filled. “Mmh, it feels so good..!” You cried out.

Ignia has donated $50!

Ignia @ 11:45pm: And by the way, call me Master. You don’t get to cum until I say so.

You shivered at this stranger’s boldness and quietly spoke, “Yes, master...” you looked away shyly from the camera and closed your eyes for a minute, thrusting the vibrating device in and out of your wetness. A couple of moans slipped through your mouth as you felt your juices spreading onto your legs.

Ignia @ 11:47pm: Faster. Fuck yourself faster for me, kitten, and put it on the medium setting for me.

You did as you were told, fingers trembling to follow what the stranger had told you. Your (h/c) hair was starting to feel moist from your layer of sweat and your body was heating up, causing your breasts to stick to the costume.

Ignia @ 11:49pm: Take your tits out and play with your nipples

You panted heavily and lowered your chest area’s covering, revealing the sheen of sweat around your tits. Flicking your left nipple while working the dildo with your right, your hands were occupied with pleasing yourself as this stranger commanded, moaning out. “Aah, m-master, f-feels so go-ood~!”

Idia was smirking, stroking hard at his cock at the sight and idea of you actually doing what he said almost made him cum then and there, but he stopped himself. He couldn’t help the rapid beating of his heart when you said the last sentence. Idia felt special. The power he had over you was addicting and he wanted to see you push yourself over the edge under his command.

65 viewers

User58273: Fuck this is so hot, I wish I could be your master too

Seeing this comment somehow made Idia seethe. He didn’t want to share you, even though this was his first stream with you. You made him feel special. He started typing out his draft of what to reply to the thirsty viewers.

Draft: Ignia: You stupid bastards, no, I’m not going to share her.

Before Idia could send the message you spoke up in a moaning voice. “*pant* N-no, my master tonight is I-Ignia, haanh~”. You were still playing with your nipples while fucking yourself well with the dildo, a light blush decorated your face and beads of sweat starting to form on the sides of your face and your body.

Idia’s jaw dropped. ‘Does she actually really want me?’ He was getting hot, too hot for his own comfort. Usually he wouldn’t last this long during his sessions but he really wanted to see you fall apart under his command. He paid for it, after all.

“Master~ I’m getting close, I- I wanna cum soon!” You whined, pleading (e/c) orbs staring into the camera with your mouth open from panting heavily.

“Cum already, don’t hold yourself back”

“Just keep going babygirl”

“Let yourself cum”

Once again, Idia scoffed in annoyance, but he noticed you never acknowledged any of the other commenters, waiting patiently for the words to come from him.

Ignia @ 11:55pm: put the toy at the highest setting, fuck yourself til you cum, then keep pumping it while you ride out your climax.

Upon seeing those words, your fingers work to put your toy at the highest setting inside your dripping cunt. You closed your eyes while you try to imagine the user who was giving out the commands, imagining them slapping your ass and fucking you until you could see stars. The feeling of both of your holes being filled was overwhelming now, and the hot feeling built up in your core faster than you realized. Idia could see it too, the heaving of your chest was picking up rapidly.

“M-,, ma- master.! I’m cumming!!!” You shrieked. Closing your eyes with your tongue unintentionally lolling out, you released a silent scream as soon as your orgasm hit. It felt like a knot inside of your body had come undone suddenly. Your orgasm had your pussy clenching around the toy that was still vibrating intensely inside of you, stimulating you longer and making you release high pitched screams.

Hearing your words before cumming had Idia teetering on the edge, but watching your facial expressions and your moans made him finish suddenly with a grunt, his pale cock spurting thick white cum all over his hand. Still, Idia kept stroking his length while you were riding out your high, overstimulating himself to match your actions on the stream.

You pulled out the toy weakly and turned it off, putting it down on a towel next to your desk.

Ignia has donated $5!

Ignia @ 11:59pm: Spread your pussy lips babygirl, I wanna see your tight hole.

User39748 @ 11:59pm: I agree with Ignia

cay-kun @ 12:00am: ah~ I also agree. Let’s see you spread it, hmm~? Oh, can you also do a lil ‘nya!’?

You checked the chat and blushed heavily, post-orgasm shyness now taking over your mind. You hesitantly shifted in the chair while spreading yourself open with your pointer and middle finger, showing off your glistening folds with your lightly abused hole. “Nya...” you held up your other hand to do the signature “catgirl” pose, playfully sticking your tongue out too.

Idia was cleaning himself off but he could feel himself twitch again, staring at your meek form. You were so gorgeous and he really wanted to see more of you, making sure to press the “Follow” button, so he wouldn’t miss another stream.

After a few seconds, you decide to end your show, feeling extremely tired and needing a shower from sweating so much. “Thank you so so much for joining me tonight! I hope you guys have a wonderful rest of your evening~ take care and I hope to see you all soon!”

Small tips ranging between $1-$10 started to flow in along with messages of “take care~” “see you soon!” “great show baby ;)”.

You clicked off and you sighed deeply. Looking at your earnings tonight, you made around $200. This was probably the most you’ve made in one single stream, and $155 of that was from Ignia, a new follower and the one who pretty much commanded your entire show tonight. It really turned you on to have someone do that for you and it was the first time a viewer made you do something that felt so lewd that made you cum so quickly.

You stood up from the chair, cleaned up your desk and toys, and headed for the bathroom. Taking off your makeup in the sink, you jumped into the shower to clean yourself up.

~~~~~

Idia tentatively bit his shirt sleeve, his blue locks framing his face. Something inside of him told him that he needed to talk to you more. He had already typed out a message to send along with his friend request. He was scared - scared of being rejected by someone as pretty as you, especially now that he had already felt so attached to you, or rather, what he’s seen from the stream tonight.

Yellow eyes closed tightly as he clicked to send the friend request to you.

~~~~~

Jumping out of the shower, you throw on a head and body towel and started to brush your teeth. Walking around the room you realized your laptop was still on, and there was a notification box front and center. Curious, you clicked on it.

“One new friend request and message”.

“Friend Request: Ignia

Message: Hey, this is the user from your stream earlier. I just wanted to say I really enjoyed your stream tonight. You seem nice too, so I’d like to get to know you more. If you’re interested just feel free to add me back, no pressure ofc.

Thx

Ignia”

You blinked a few times, pondering what you should do. You had gotten messages from guys before but they only said cheap compliments and asking for private shows. You were single so there wasn’t anybody holding you down and this guy didn’t seem to radiate any bad vibes. His dominant nature over chat really turned you on and you were curious about him, so you decided to accept his friend request and send a reply.

“From: y/n-kitty-cat

Hi there :) I decided to accept your message, cause why not? You shouldn’t be that creepy, right? ;P anyway, I’m glad you enjoyed my stream tonight <3 I hope you can come to future ones too!! I’d like to see you around more ;)

❤️

y/n”

You sent the message and went to the bathroom to finish brushing your teeth and your other nightly routines.

Idia couldn’t believe his eyes - you had actually messaged him back and you were really flirtatious!! That meant he was different in your eyes, right? It has to be true! He was determined to meet up with you, eventually. His dick throbbed at the idea of having you to himself, pleasing him with your mouth, doing all those lewd faces you made on the stream... his mind wandered while he pushed his pants down once again and thought of his muse who was now his “friend”.

~~~~~

After a few days of messaging back and forth, you and Ignia had ended up exchanging numbers and using text to communicate almost daily. You found out things like what your majors in college were, finding out his real name was Idia, which was a pretty unique name, and realizing you were both from the same city. Well, it’s not like Idia hadn’t already done his research - the night he became your friend he had stalked all of your social medias under a throwaway account and scrolled through every photo and bit of information he could find about you. He was becoming so hyper fixated on you he needed to know more, who could blame him? Idia just hoped he would be seeing more of you in your streams so he could watch you get off again, maybe with his assistance.

Unfortunately for you though, you realized you couldn’t stream as much because midterms were also kicking your ass. You apologized to your viewers with a blog post who luckily understood and wished you luck, saying they looked forward to your next show.

Idia couldn’t see your pretty face from the stream, which made him yearn. He told Ortho about his crush on you and when the small boy told Idia to “just tell you the truth and meet up with you!” he wanted to shut down completely. But, he wasn’t completely opposed to the idea of you being in his room, exactly where he wanted you. Sighing, he picked up his phone to send you a text.

Idia: “hey”

Y/n: “hey there! 😉”

Idia: “soo i was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime”

Y/n: “omg 😱 like irl? I’ve never even heard your voice before lol”

Idia: “ik, i’m a bit shy in person.”

Y/n: “i see, so is the life of a gamer and a shut in?😏😂”

Idia: “hah, yeah i guess lol”

Y/n: “soo, what did you wanna do?”

Idia: “idk, anything you want. Except go outside. And be in public.”

Y/n: “pfft, that takes away like any idea at this point HAHA”

Idia: “ya lol i prefer gaming in my room tbh”

Y/n: “oh, then maybe we can just hang out and play games or something like that?”

Idia: “Yeah, why don’t you come over to my dorm, we could game and eat snacks”

Y/n: “Sounds great! This Friday then, 6pm?”

Idia: “Sure i’ll text you the details later”

Y/n: “Awesome :) see you in a couple days then ;)”

Idia: “cool”

Idia threw himself on his bed and screamed silently into the pillow. Idia wanted more than to just be your friend but unfortunately was also extremely shy, especially when talking to new people in person. But as he was sexually attracted to you, he knew he would have a hard time hiding it from you. He had hoped to initiate some kind of sexual interaction when you met up, wanting to indulge in your sinful reactions himself. He didn’t even want to think about anybody else seeing you like that. Idia was growing possessive and realized that if he were to get you where he wanted you, he needed to do a little bit of digging. Which meant searching the web for something that would help make you more agreeable to something sexual. He knew he himself couldn’t make you agree to it, he was too nervous to initiate that! He knew what he needed - an aphrodisiac.

Composing himself, he got onto his computer and compared his options as well as looking for advice on how to please a woman. His eyes widened and lips trembled as he realized he was definitely way too shy to initiate as much as other men do, but he was determined to try anything if it meant your attention.

~~~~~

Today was finally Friday, and the current time was 5:30pm. You styled your (h/c) locks and put on a light amount of makeup, not as much as you would when you streamed but enough to make yourself feel pretty. You also decided that you still wanted to be cute, even if you and Idia were just friends at this point, and wore a tight crop top, a high waisted black skirt, and some thigh high socks since it was a bit breezy outside. You topped it all off with a (f/c) cardigan so you could at least feel comfortable in the sleeves. Packing your bag, you took one last look at yourself in the mirror, did a little peace sign and smiled, feeling cute as hell. You grabbed your keys and walked out of your dorm, heading towards Idia’s campus.

You parked at the place he told you to and gotten out of your car, looking around for him. Shit, you just realized you didn’t even ask him what he was gonna wear or what he really looked like, which was pretty dumb in hindsight. You did catch a glimpse of a tall lanky guy with fluffy blue hair and a striped t-shirt, who was fumbling around on his phone and didn’t realize you was standing right by him.

“Excuse me,” you interrupted his peace softly, causing him to jump up and squeal in fear. “Oh!! I’n so sorry, I’m just looking for someone and I didn’t know if I was in the right place?”

Idia froze. It really was you, in the flesh, looking at him and taking his appearance in. You were gorgeous, even more so than he would have ever thought, and your voice brought tingles to his spine that made him shudder. Idia realized he was being quiet for a longer than acceptable time and he looked away. “H-hi,, y/n...” he mumbled barely even audible.

“Oh!! Idia? Is that you? Hi!!!” You exclaimed, seemingly really excited. Your mouth was curved into a wide smile too.

“Huh, you sound really enthusiastic...” Idia whispered, thinking he really said it in his own mind instead of out loud.

“Of course I am! I’m finally done with midterms and now I can relax and have fun with my new friend!” You said, bumping your shoulder with him, causing him to hold his breath.

Idia gulped when he realized what you said. Friend. Right, that’s all he was to you. At least for now. But hopefully that would change soon, right?

“Y-yeah. Let’s go inside.” Idia muttered, turning his back and walking.

Based on his demeanor, you almost forgot that Idia was the one who was so dominant during your stream the other week, since his attitude was so shy in real life. But, you pushed that thought to the back of your head, today was gonna be a fun day with a new friend, and that was strictly it. You didn’t really want to make your side job as a sex worker into a big thing that would make real life friendships difficult.

~~~~~

After he led you through the halls of the dorm, he brought you to a door and opened it up. Inside it was a bit messy, but an organized mess, one where the owner definitely knew where everything was. He had a pc setup with multiple monitors, RGB lighting which was mostly set to shades of blue, and a really nice gaming chair to go along with it. He also had a shelf with different manga series along it and other consoles for gaming, a bed, a door that led to a bathroom, and a mini fridge. Pretty nice for someone who lived without a roommate, you thought.

You walked over to his bed and flopped down onto it. Idia couldn’t help but think about the many times he had masturbated to you on those sheets that you were now sitting on. He was wondering what kind of panties you were wearing too, when he was suddenly interrupted.

“So! I guess we should get started on some games, yeah? I think I wanna play a fighting one against you! I’m totally gonna win~” You smiled up at him playfully.

Idia let his personality slip when games were brought up. “Tch, you really think you’re gonna win against me ? Think again.” The blue haired boy smirked down at you, which lit up the fire of competition in your heart.

“Let’s go then, dude.”

~~~~~

After about 15 minutes of close battles but still losing every one, you groaned and put the controller down on the floor where you and Idia were positioned in front of a monitor. You had developed a small sheen of sweat on your face from the stress. “Hey Idia, do you have anything to drink? I’m so thirstyy~” You looked at him and pouted, hoping he would maybe have some soda or water for you.

“A-ah, yes I do...” he stuttered a bit, seemingly nervous about something. He shuffled over to a mini fridge near his desk and brought out a cooler bottle. “Here, I made this sweet tea yesterday and you can drink from it...” Idia handed you the cool bottle and you observed it suspiciously. He was starting to feel his breath hitch and wondered if you had caught on.

“Hm~? Drinking from the same bottle already? So intimate!” You teased him, lightly elbowing his side. “Well, here goes nothing.” You tipped the bottle into your mouth and the tea tasted like sweet peach, with a slightly bitter aftertaste.

“Hm, it’s... interesting. What kind of tea is it?” You inquired, looking at the contents and sniffing it.

“I-it’s a recipe I found online! It looked good so, I decided to make it, I- I thought you would like it...” he shyly put down his head, trying to hide his suspicious nervousness from you.

“Okay... well it’s pretty good! I’ll drink some more, thanks for thinking of me~” you said as you gulped down the drink for a few more seconds. “Mmh! I think that cooled me down, let’s play more rounds!”

Idia looked back at you and sighed in relief. “Y-yeah, let’s do that.” He didn’t know how long it would take to work but at least he could distract his nerves by playing some games.

~~~~~

You started to sweat and feel hot. Unbearably hot. You cleared your throat and pulled off your cardigan and folded it to the side, but it wasn’t enough. The heat spread from your head, to your torso, and to your lower regions. Feeling hot and a deep... itch that you couldn't quite reach, in your crotch, you decide to change the position in which you were sitting, from crossing your legs to having them right underneath you, to feel some sort of friction in that area. You could feel yourself blushing intensely while the blue haired man next to you was still immersed in the game you both were supposed to play.

Watching him, you couldn’t help but notice the way his fingers moved on the controller, his thumbs and pointers expertly moving across it. You started thinking about how they would feel playing with your nipples and clit - wait. ‘What am I even thinking about?! Snap out of it!’ But, you also couldn’t help but think about when you were close to beating him during a round, his voice changed to a lower, frustrated one, and he even let out a little growl. Even now you noticed the way his eyes were so glued to the monitor with a small scowl on his face. Thinking about that sent throbs and heat to your growing wetness.

WINNER: PLAYER 1!

“Fuhehe, I knew I could beat you again~ but for some reason it felt like you weren’t trying as hard this round.” Idia put down his controller, finally took a glance at you, and his breath was caught in his throat.

Your (s/c) body was covered with a layer of sweat, cheeks burning and your eyes looked glossy. You were also panting slightly, rubbing your legs together softly to try to create more friction. “A-ah,, hey... do you think you could lower the temperature in here? It- it’s getting really hot. Maybe I could have more of that cold tea?” You breathed, trying to sound more stable than you were.

Idia was dumbfounded for a second and totally forgot you had drank the tea that he mixed with the aphrodisiacs. He gulped as he leaned closer to your face, observing you. “Is... is there anything else I can help you, w-with?” Idia placed a hand on the floor near your thigh and watched as you tried to scoot away from it.

“D-don’t do that... it’s...,” you whimpered, back now touching the side of his bed as you leaned away from his touch. Since when did he smell so good? His scent radiating from his proximity sent tingles across your body.

“Do what?” Idia experimentally reached out to touch your arm, fingers grazing your back slightly. You couldn’t fight back the moan that slipped out of your mouth. “Haah~ I-Idia...” you breathed, looking at him with pleading eyes. You really weren’t planning on doing anything with your new friend, so why was your body disobeying your mind?

“Y/n... you know you can tell me if there’s a-anything you need.. I’ll help you.” Idia’s eyes were still wide and the way he looked at you made you start craving. You wanted him - no, you NEEDED him to touch you more. You never really thought about it, but, Idia really was attractive. It’s not because of your hazy mindset that you realized it, but the way the blue lights illuminated his pale skin and make his hair almost glow, you were just focusing on it more. He was... cute.

“I-...” you started, looking down at his hand on your arm, and then back at him. Staring at his lips, you felt your arms move around his neck as you pulled him closer. Your lips smashed against each others messily and you released a soft whimper against his mouth. The reality hitting you, you moved your head back suddenly breaking the kiss. Your body was still hot.

“F-first...” Idia was stuttering. “First... kiss...” Idia stared wide eyed at you, lips still trembling. He blushed and turned away, his brows tilted upwards as if he were troubled.

“Oh, oh god, I’m so sorry....” you breathed out, scared you had fucked it up with your friend.

“Haah.. more...” his eyes suddenly turned back to you, seemingly darker than before. “I want more of you, y/n...” with that, he brought his lips to yours again and moved them sloppily against your own. He even took the liberty to bite your bottom lip with his sharp teeth, causing you to yelp. Idia used this opportunity to shove his tongue past your mouth and moved it against your own, causing you to moan in pleasure while you could feel your panties starting to drench.

Idia pulled away from you, cheeks tinted pink. Both of you panted for breath, your clothes now feeling sticky due to sweat. He scanned your blushing figure and saw an opening of your skirt that had shown off your lacy panties. Idia gulped and dove his head towards your clothed pussy, breathing in the essence and shuddering loudly, which made you gasp.

“Idiia, no... we, we shouldn’t...” you whined. But you could feel your body was not agreeing with your words. When the tip of his nose grazed your clit you bucked your hips against his head, letting out a moan at the contact.

He lifted up your skirt to your waist so he could see your facial expressions. Suddenly, his wet tongue experimentally slid up your clothed pussy, piercing yellow eyes locked onto your glazed over eyes. You shrieked at the sensation and felt embarrassed that he could get you like this, and you were still wearing your panties.

“Hhn, you wore these for me, didn’t you..?” Idia said, which made you blush. “No, I- I didn’t...” you muttered weakly, trying to avoid his gaze

Idia’s grip on your thighs suddenly got tighter and he looked up at you with furrowed brows. “Don’t lie to me, kitten. I know you want me, like how you did on the night we met, on your stream.” Idia firmly told you. It seemed like it was more like he was convincing himself. "N-no Idia, I... I don't want to-" you started, until you were interrupted.

Idia’s teeth bit suddenly into your soft thigh, causing it to bleed a bit. You knew it would leave a big mark later. “AH!! F-fuck!!” You grabbed onto his blue hair and felt your pussy clench onto nothing. Why, why are you enjoying this? It was like Idia’s personality had changed, from the shy person you met outside his dorm to a more possessive and rough one. You were a bit scared of him but why was he making you feel so good?

You didn’t have time to think as you felt him move the fabric of your panties to the side so your drenched cunt was fully visible to him. He stared in awe and took in everything - the shape, size, and how wet you were. You brought the back of your hand up to your head and panted with embarrassment. “Idia... mmh...”, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. Your body was still wanting more and after your mind was fighting the feeling so much, you decided to let it be. “Please...”

Idia met your eyes and saw how glossy they were. He lifted your body onto the bed so that you were now lying on your back while he was still in front of your crotch. You softly breathed in and out, causing your chest to rise and fall in your sweat soaked top. He snaked a pale hand under your shirt to grope your breast in your lacy bra, cold fingers sending shivers through your hot body. Idia couldn’t resist any longer, he suddenly shoved his wet muscle onto your pussy with fervor. You gasped and threw your head back onto Idia’s plush pillow, and shoved your hand on the back of his head pushing it deeper into your legs. Idia couldn’t contain himself and moaned into your heat, sending vibrations through it. “Oh- aaanh~ Idi-aaa~....” you sighed and whined. He took this opportunity to lower the cup of your bra below your breast and pinch your pert nipple in his fingers.

“Fuck~!” you screamed, feeling hot tears flowing down your face. Your body couldn’t take it much longer. Your core was building a familiar sensation but it was all too overwhelming and coming too fast. “It feels so good!!” You squealed, squeezing your thighs together so you were caging his head. Idia focused his energy lapping hungrily at your clit and then pushed two digits of his free hand through your wet hole, pumping them in and out. Your panting breaths were becoming shorter with each pump.

“Idia~ I’m close!! I’m gonna cum..!” You looked at him between your legs, and he lifted his mouth off of your cunt for a brief second. He stared into your eyes with his yellow ones, which stared at you intensely, licked his lips, and spoke.

“Cum for me then, kitten. Don’t hold back, cum all over my face.” With that, he dove back in and pumped his fingers into your core and flicked his tongue on your sensitive pearl even faster than before. Idia’s hips were rutting on his mattress, precum wetting his undergarments.

“Oh god - I’m cumming, I’m cumming~!!” You screeched and squeezed his head with your thighs, squirting his face and sheets with your cum. His tongue darted around your pussy licking off your juices. You breathed heavily, riding out your high. It took everything in him to stop himself from cumming right then and there - he wanted to save that for later.

Idia leaned up to where you were and kissed you passionately, and you could taste yourself all over his mouth. You moaned at the taste of your own juices on his tongue. Still exhausted from Idia eating you out, your body somehow craved the feeling of being filled. You sat up and got up from the bed and for a second he was afraid you were getting ready to leave. You removed your drenched shirt in front of him as well as your skirt, underwear, and bra. Still wearing your thigh high socks, he stopped you before you could remove them. “I, I want you to keep those on...” he licked his lips as he stared at your socks squeezing your plush thighs, the mark he made earlier with his teeth was visible and bruising now.

Following your lead, Idia was removing his own garments, tossing his shirt to the side. He was lean, not too skinny but not muscular either, pale all over. He also removed his pants and swung them over to the floor. Idia avoided your gaze as his erection was now very much so noticeable in his boxers, and you could even see a dark spot where his precum had made a mark. You felt your vagina tremble at the sight of it. It’s been a long time since you’ve had a partner and the anticipation was starting to get to you. As for Idia, well, everything was his first.

You knelt down in front of his bed and his legs and reached out to touch the head of his penis through the boxers, making him twitch and breathe out. “Mmh,...” you pulled down his underwear to reveal his lengthy cock. He wasn’t extremely girthy but he made up for that in length. The head of it was a shade of pale pink and dripped with clear liquid. You took some of the clear liquid in your hand and began teasing the head of his dick. Opening your mouth, you also gave it a few kitten licks while you pumped the base. Idia let out a few grunts and threw his head back, causing you to grow wet again.

Idia felt himself getting too close to orgasm which made him grab your head to stop you from going further. He lifted you up again and placed you on his lap, your dripping cunt hovering over his standing cock. Your body was hot again as you stared into Idia’s yellow eyes, a pink haze dusting his pale cheeks. Remembering he was a virgin, you looked at him hesitantly. ‘I- I don’t know, are you sure you want to lose your virginity right now?’ was what you were planning on saying, until he spoke up.

“Y/n... I need you. I’ve been wanting to do this to you for a while. I- I'm gonna put it in...” Idia whispered, panting slightly. As he was lowering your hips, you couldn't say anything as you felt his tip graze your wetness and you whimpered at the feeling. He kept bringing your hips down until you felt him all the way inside, head of his dick kissing your cervix. You threw your arms around his neck and moaned into his ear, causing a grunt from your partner. Not giving you time to adjust, Idia started thrusting in and out sloppily into your hole, squelching and moaning sounds filling the air of his usually quiet dorm.

“Oh Idia, please, pleasepleaseplease-!” You screamed, not even knowing what you were pleading for. Your (h/c) hair was sweaty and you felt your eye makeup starting to run with every tear you shed. Idia’s loud grunts filled your ear, causing your heat to build up.

“*pant* Mmh, y/n...” he paused and started thrusting into you slowly but hard, pulling you back so his forehead could touch with yours, blue hair still frayed in his face. “You have, *pant* no idea... I would masturbate to your pictures every. Single. Night. I jerked off on these sheets and used your photos of you smiling, you weren’t even *pant* n-naked... Does that, *pant* make me a sick pervert? No matter, you're here with me now, and I'm mmh, making you feel good, right?” Idia confessed, yellow eyes staring into yours with infatuation and obsession. You felt your breath hitch in a feeling familiar to fear. He was lovesick. Not the same person you thought you were messaging for the past few days or gaming with earlier. He looked deranged.

“I... Aaanh~!” You were cut off by a particularly hard thrust into your cervix. Idia licked your neck while thrusting into your abused hole. “I’m gonna breed you, kitten. W-wanna see you drip with my cum.. mmh, you want that?”

You were so close to your release that you didn’t even care about what he was saying. “More Idia, more!!” You breathed. Closing your eyes and now using your own hips to grind into his cock.

Remembering a particular position that grabbed Idia’s attention, he lifted you up, dick still hard inside of you. He placed your back on the bed, your head on his pillow while he brought your legs up to your chest. Idia continued to thrust into you, your face now in full view. He held your wrists in one hand above your head so you couldn’t hide your face from his eyes.

“Idia...” you breathed out. “I- Idia!!!!” You felt your orgasm approaching fast while he pounded into you relentlessly. “Haaanh~ I’m close!!” You moaned shamelessly.

“Hnnh, that’s r-right, y/n... mm, cum for me...” Idia breathed out in between his panting. With that, Idia thrusted faster until the knot that was building in your lower regions finally released. “Aaanh~!! I’m cumming, Idia, c-cumming all over your cock!!” Your face contorted into one of full bliss, eyes looking straight into his with your mouth in an o-shape. The walls around Idia’s length clenched tightly, milking him of his seed. Idia came suddenly with a groan, pumping it deep within you while riding out his high. "Fuck, y/n!!"

Idia rolled you both to your sides, his dick softening inside you. You both panted hard as you faced one another. You opened your eyes to find him with his eyes closed, blushing at the sight of your naked bodies still intertwined even after your climaxes. “We, we actually did it...” he whispered and opened his eyes. “!!!!” He made a mildly surprised noise, eyes widening and turning away.

“Eeh?! What’s wrong!?” You said, wondering if something was on your face. “N-nothing it’s just.... I’m surprised we... you.. you’re staring at me... I’m sorry, I’m still not used to people doing that...” Idia said shamefully, darting his yellow eyes to and from you periodically.

You couldn’t help but giggle. “Eek!! Why,, are you laughing at me?” Idia frowned and hid his face in the pillow. “Well.. your personality is different when you’re having sex versus not. It's interesting.” you told him, tracing a finger along his arm.

Idia blushed intensely, throwing his arms around your neck and hid his pale face in your neck. "Mmph..! I-, I like you, y/n..." he breathed into your neck. "I wouldn't be able to handle you doing this with another person so... will you be mine?" Idia pulled back to watch your face as you contemplated.

Idia's words from earlier suddenly flooded your memories. He looked insane when he confessed to his perverted actions and it evoked an uncertain emotion akin to fear. Your body felt paralyzed. But in the moment, with Idia's lightly pink tinged skin and unsure eyes, you had to admit it made your heart flutter, too. "Yes, Idia..."

[hockey-fics]

Always You ~ Matthew Tkachuk 

Summary: No matter how many times you tried you were never able to officially end the relationship you had you with Matt. 

Word Count: ~9.5k

Warnings: implied smut, references to an abusive relationship. 

A/N: I’ve been gone from Tumblr for so long that I literally don’t even know if people read hockey fics anymore but I’ve been bored and wanting to write so I’m going to post it anyway. 

Matt was your first everything. 

He was your first serious boyfriend, the boy in your ninth grade English class who made your stomach flutter and your cheeks flush every time he looked in your direction. He asked you to the movies beside your locker after school one Friday afternoon and you barely knew how to say yes. 

He was your first kiss, on the picnic table beside the school on your lunch break. And maybe it wasn’t the most romantic moment. You had been caught off guard, not knowing what to do with your lips or your hands or hell, any other part of your body. But somehow it was still perfect. 

He took your virginity two years later. Your parents were out for a date night and you invited Matt over, spending the entire first half of the day hyping yourself up to finally do it. And it was awkward and clumsy and you were a little disappointed when you didn’t suddenly feel like a brand new person after losing your virginity. But you wouldn’t have traded it for any other experience, because you were with Matt and he made you feel safe and comfortable and you loved him so incredibly much for a sixteen year old. 

The two of you went to every school dance together. You watched him play hockey every chance you got. You told each other every little secret about your lives, all your hopes and dreams and fears and regrets. You spent countless summer nights lying on the grass and counting the stars, making wishes you knew would never come true. He would sneak into your bedroom window late at night as often as he could and when he didn’t your bed seemed to feel just a little less comfortable. 

You two were supposed to be together. That’s what everyone said, that’s what you two always thought. Four years together couldn’t just be thrown away, couldn’t just mean nothing. 

That was until the last few months of your senior year of high school. You had received your letter of acceptance from Stanford in April. Your dream school, the one acceptance that you wanted more than anything but expected not to get. There it was, right in front of you. Yet you didn’t tell Matt about it for weeks. You couldn’t. It meant you would be leaving him. But you also knew that Matt would be leaving too. With the NHL draft just months away the clock was quickly counting down on the time you two realistically had left. 

You told him in the car, on the way to the movie he was taking you to see one Saturday night. 

“I’m going to Stanford.” The two of you were stopped at a red light, your head facing forward the entire time you said it, not bringing yourself to look Matt in the eyes. 

Matt turned his head to look at you, silent for a second before a quiet, “what?”

“I got accepted,” you replied, voice wavering slightly. “I’m moving to California in September, Matt.”

“I, um, California…wow, I guess, I, um, congratulations,” he stammered, eyes still focused on you. 

You watched as the red light turns to green, counting to ten in your head as you sat there, not moving. “Matt, the light,” you whispered, finally turning your head to look at him. And when you did you noticed the glossy layer over his eyes. 

You didn’t go to the movie that night. The two of you drove to one of your favourite lookouts, sat on the grassy patch and stared at the lights of the city as you talked about your futures. Finally you came to a decision. One last summer. One final, incredible summer and then the two of you would go your separate ways. Long distance never works, especially for such a long amount of time. 

And it was a good summer, at least for the most part. Because amongst the great times there were the moments of realization that it was all ending soon. 

But it didn’t end, at least not fully. Because the first time you were both back in town you two couldn’t stay away from each other. 

November 23, 2016

You feel your phone vibrate against your stomach while you were laying on the couch in your family home, back for the week for Thanksgiving break. Picking it up your eyes focus on the name on your screen. ‘Matt’ and right beside it was the little red heart you had yet to bring yourself to get rid of. It wasn’t surprising to see his name, you two had been talking since the summer, keeping up with all the new things happening in your lives. It was the words that were surprising ‘you’re home?’

Quickly unlocking your phone you type your answer immediately. ‘For thanksgiving, how did you know that?’

The three dots appear on the bottom of your screen immediately. ‘you haven’t blocked me from seeing your snap stories yet lol’ 

‘I forgot I posted that on there’ ‘I would never block you’ 

‘until you get a new boyfriend’ 

Rolling your eyes you sit up on the couch, tugging the blanket up with you. The blanket Matt had bought you one Christmas and you refused to use any blanket since. ‘Still won’t block you, I’ll make you see it all’ 

‘you’re kinda mean now’ ‘but what are you doing tomorrow night?’

‘I don’t know, haven’t thought that far ahead, why?’

‘come watch my game’ 

You feel your heart begin to hammer reading those words and your shaky hands fumble to press the call button on your phone. 

“Hi baby,” Matt answers, the same way he always answered your calls, even now, months after your breakup. 

“Where are you?” You ask, too eager to start with small talk. 

“We just landed in St. Louis, heading to the hotel with the team now,” Matt says, his voice light and cheerful. “You going to come to my game?”

“Matt,” you croak, your eyes welling with tears. 

“Hey, woah, are you crying?”

Giggling you reach up, wiping the moisture from your eyes. “No,” you lie, your voice giving it away immediately. 

“I didn’t think you’d hate the idea that much, you don’t have to come,” Matt jokes. 

“No, I want to. I just,” you say, trailing off as you stare down at the blanket on your lap. “I miss you so much, I didn’t think, I didn’t think I would get to see you again.”

“Ever?” 

“I don’t know,” you whisper.

“Well I knew that wasn’t going to happen. We’re just about to get to the hotel though, I’ll text you about the tickets for tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” you tell him, smiling softly. “I love you.” You hadn’t really meant to say it, the words came out of your mouth before you even knew what you were saying. But you still meant them and in that moment you didn’t even try to take them back. 

“I love you too.”

You had a hard time falling asleep that night, tossing and turning and thinking about the next day. Thinking about Matt. Thinking about telling him you loved him, that he had said it back. When you woke up the next morning you were filled with a giddy excitement, racing downstairs to find your mom in the kitchen making coffee. 

“Good morning,” you tell her cheerfully, resting your elbows on the countertop and watching her turn around to look at you skeptically. 

“A little energetic for eight in the morning aren’t we? What are you so happy about?”

“I’m going to see Matt play tonight,” you tell her, sliding onto the barstool that was beside you. 

“He’s in town?” She asks, her voice skeptical. “You two are still talking?”

“Yeah, he um, he told me yesterday. We still talk a bit,” you mumble, feeling a sudden wave of defensiveness wash over your body. 

“I thought you two broke up? I thought that’s why you spent the last week of the summer crying on the couch.”

“I-,” you begin, eyes widening as you stare at her. “Why are you like, mad at me about this?”

“I’m not mad,” your mom breathes out, pouring two mugs of coffee. Walking over she sets one down in front of you. “But it’s only going to hurt more if you keep drawing this out and I don’t want to see you get hurt. You’re at Stanford now, you’re doing amazing in your classes, you’re meeting new people. Don’t let being hung up on a boy stop you from experiencing new things.”

“He’s not just some boy, mom,” you retort, fingers running over the hot side of the mug in front of you. “I still love him.”

“I know, and I’m sure you will for a long time and it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot, but if you don’t deal with that now it’s only going to get worse.”

Swallowing heavily you feel the sting of tears in your eyes. “I don’t want to to lose him…I can’t. I can’t lose him when I still love him this much.”

A heavy sigh comes from your mom before she walks around the kitchen to stand beside you, pulling you into a tight hug. “Okay,” she whispers. “Whatever you feel like you need to do, I’m here for you.”

Later that day you were sitting in the stands of Enterprise Center watching the game with Matt’s family. For so long Matt’s family had become like a second family to you and now that you were with them again it felt like you were right back where you had been just months ago. 

You watched the Flames beat the Blues that night and even though you spent your entire life cheering for the Blues you were elated. You made your way out to your mom’s car that you had borrowed for the night, parked next to Matt’s family. 

“Matt isn’t leaving till tomorrow,” Brady says after the rest of his family had gotten into their car. 

You drop your hand from the door handle of your mom’s car, letting the door half close again. “Okay,” you say quietly, drawing the word out as you stare at Brady. 

“You should try try to see him tonight.” Brady glances back into the car, stepping a little closer to you. “He’ll kill me for telling you this so don’t tell him I said anything, but he’s still in love with you.”

Smiling softly your eyes drop to the ground for a second. “I know, Brady,” you whisper. “I’m still in love with him too.”

“No, he’s like really still in love with you, just as in love with you as he used to be. He talks about you all the time,” Brady clarifies. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re like a sister to me and I care about you and all but I would love to be able to talk to my brother without you coming up just once.”

You can’t help but giggle at his last comment, leaning over and giving him a quick hug. “I’ll call him.” Pulling back you reach over and open your car door. “Thank you…and sorry for being the topic of your conversations,” you tease as you get into the driver’s seat. 

“Just go cheer him up.”

“Ew,” you whine, shaking your head. 

“That’s not what I meant,” Brady calls as you close the door, chuckling. 

Pulling out of the arena parking lot you drive to the lookout you and Matt used to hang out at when you were in your last year of high school. Sighing you put the car in park, staring blankly at the view in front of you. Your mom’s words were fighting against what Brady had just told you. Maybe it would be easier to walk away now, it would hurt more now. But would it be less painful in the long run? 

Eventually you turn the car back on, your eyes burning with the threat of tears. By the time you get back to the house you’re almost sobbing, the driveway a safe haven where you let it all out. You don’t even know how much time has passed until your mom is pulling the car door open and tugging you out and into her arms. “You’ll be alright, I know it hurts now.”

Matt left the next morning with nothing more than a congratulations text from you. You got a text from Brady that evening, asking what happened. All you could manage to tell him was that you needed some space. You couldn’t bring yourself to tell him that you loved Matt too much to keep stringing yourself along like that. 

December 24, 2016

“Thank you,” you say, collecting the bag of last minute gifts. 

“Merry Christmas Eve,” the young girl behind the till says cheerfully. 

Smiling you say a polite ‘you too’ before leaving the store and stepping back into the chaos of the last minute shopping at the mall. 

“Y/N?”

Whirling around you come face to face with the one boy you had spent the last four months thinking about. “Matt,” you whisper, taking a few steps closer to him. Your body is on autopilot as you wrap your arms around him, body immediately melting into him. 

“Hi baby,” he whispers in your ear, arms wrapped around you, tugging you closer against him. The sound of him calling you baby still made your eyes well up with tears. “Doing your Christmas shopping?”

Sniffling softly you pull back, blinking away the tears. “Just some last minute stuff.”

Glancing down you notice Matt’s empty hands. “Have you even started?”

“I just got home a couple hours ago,” Matt tells you, chuckling. “I don’t know what to get anyone,” he admits. 

“Do you need help?” You offer, having helped him with birthday and Christmas presents for his family for many years. 

Matt reaches over, pulling you back into his arms, pressing his lips to your forehead as he does so. “Yes, please,” he chuckles. 

You spent the rest of the afternoon helping Matt pick out presents. It all felt so comfortable, like you hadn’t spent four months away from each other. 

“Are you just going home now?” Matt asks, standing beside your car after you pull all your bags into the trunk. 

Looking up at him you shrug. “I was going to.”

“So you don’t want to come home and help me wrap all these presents?” 

Giggling you look at Matt’s hands, full of bags. “You are terrible at wrapping presents.”

“So are you going to help me?”

“Yeah, I’ll meet you at your house,” you tell him, opening your car door and getting in. 

You’re at Matt’s house in twenty minutes, pulling into the driveway behind him. Walking into the house you follow Matt down the familiar hallway, your eyes falling on Brady laying on the couch. “Hey,” you say with a smile. 

He stands up quickly, confusion clear on his face. Walking over he gives you a quick hug. “What are you two doing?”

“I’m helping Matt wrap his Christmas presents.” Stepping back you look up at Brady, noticing the skeptical look on his face. 

“Are you two…back together?” 

Glancing over your shoulder at Matt for a second you look back to Brady, shaking your head. “No, we’re just, um, hanging out.”

“Hanging out,” Brady repeats, nodding slowly. “Well have fun…just hanging out.”

“Don’t be weird,” you whine, turning around to follow Matt upstairs to his old bedroom. 

“Sorry he-,” Matt starts, closing the door. 

“-thinks we’re still in love with each other?” You interrupt, looking up at Matt with a soft smile. You’re standing right in front of him, his back pressed against his closed bedroom door. 

Matt stares down at you, his eyes contemplative for a moment. Finally he opens his mouth to break the tense silence in the room. “He knows I’m still in love with you,” he corrects. 

Swallowing heavily your eyes dart down to Matt’s lips, body gravitating a little closer. “You are?”

“Of course I am.” His fingers lightly graze against yours, folding over them a moment later and tugging you closer. “Can I?” Matt whispers, staring at your lips. 

“Yes.” And before you even finish the saying the word you’re leaning up onto your tiptoes, your hand resting on the front of his shoulder. 

Matt presses his lips to yours quickly, kissing you eagerly as he sets his hand on your waist, tugging your body into his. Your arms are thrown over his shoulders a moment later, one hand on the back of his neck. His skin is warm against yours and you’re tugging at his shirt a second later, a sudden urge to be as close to him as possible. 

“Fuck,” Matt mutters against your lips. 

“Hm?” You hum, pulling back, chest rising and falling heavy and fast. 

“It’s just been awhile,” Matt chuckles. 

“Awhile since-,” you begin before realizing what he meant, pressing your body tighter against the bulge in his pants. “Oh,” you say with a smile. 

“Sorry,” Matt laughs, avoiding eye contact. 

Shaking your head you reach up, fingers under his jaw as you turn his head to look at you. “Don’t be,” you tell him. “I feel the same way, it’s just not as obvious.”

“I can tell,” Matt chuckles, leaning down and kissing you gently. 

Scoffing you pull back, staring up at him. “What do you mean?”

“We were together for four years, I know when you want it.”

Leaning up you bring your lips close to his again. “So what are you going to do about that?”

Reaching down Matt wraps his arms around your waist, lifting you up and carrying you to the bed. “Matt,” you giggle as he leans down, bringing his lips to your neck. 

“We don’t have to do anything, if you don’t want to,” Matt tells you, hovering over you on the familiar bed. 

Pressing your hands onto his shoulders you push him over and onto the bed beside you, rolling yourself over to straddle him. “I thought you said you knew when I wanted it.”

Matt chuckles, his hands running underneath the back of your shirt, hands grasping your sides and pulling you down closer. “I want to hear you say it.”

Pressing your lips to his you roll your hips forward. “I want you, Matt.”

“You’re so fucking hot,” Matt groans, his hands on your hips as he flips you over to your back. And he knew exactly what to do, exactly how make you moan and whimper, to make you beg him for exactly what you wanted.

Rolling off of Matt, body flushed and breathing heavy you watch him take off the condom as you tug the blanket over your naked body.  When Matt returns to the bed you shuffle closer, resting your head on his shoulder, fingers drawing random shapes on his bare chest. “I missed that,” you whisper. 

“Sleeping with me?” Matt jokes, his hand running along your back. 

“Well, yeah, that. But also just…having sex.”

Matt’s fingers stop moving and he turns his head to look at you. “You haven’t…”

“Slept with anyone else? No,” you tell him. “Have, um, have you?”

Matt is quiet for a moment, his head turned to stare straight at the ceiling now. “Well…like, it never meant anything, I just, you know…”

You try to swallow the lump in your throat, you vision blurring with tears as you shift away from Matt on the bed. “Oh,” you whisper, sitting up and staring at the wall in front of you. 

“I’m sorry, baby, but we were-“ 

“We were broken up, I know, Matt,” you mutter, tossing the blanket off your body. “Don’t apologize.”

As you swing your legs off the edge of the bed Matt reaches over, grabbing your hand. “I’m sorry, wait, it didn’t mean anything. I didn’t even like it, baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t think we were going to be doing this again, I just-“

“Matt, stop,” you exclaim, shaking your arm away from his grasp. Standing up you begin yanking your clothes on, sniffling quietly and blinking quickly in a futile attempt to hide your tears. “You have nothing to apologize for. We were broken up, we’re still broken up. This didn’t mean anything either so just forget it, okay?”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Matt says, scrambling out of bed as he yanks on his boxers. “What do you mean? Fuck, I just told you I still love you and you’re going to say this meant nothing?”

“I have to go.” Grabbing your purse off the ground you swing it over your shoulder, hand on the doorknob yanking it open a moment later. You race down the stairs faster than you ever have before, your teary eyes meeting with Brady’s as you get to the living room. All he has to do is say your name before the tears begin rolling down your face. Shaking your head you use your sleeve to wipe your eyes. “Sorry, I can’t talk,” you mutter before Brady has the chance to ask anymore questions. 

And with that you were on your way out of the house, into your car and back to your house before you could let yourself completely fall apart. When you walked through the front door your mom let you fall apart in her arms about Matthew yet again, promising you that everything would be okay, again. 

June 2, 2017

The water in the hot tub was warm against your skin, the can of cider cold against your lips. You didn’t know what time it was anymore and you sure didn’t care enough to ask. You were home for the summer and for the first time in ten months you weren’t worried about a school project or an upcoming exam. 

Most of your friends were all back for the summer too and you were so happy to feel like you were back at home. 

“Don’t you dare,” you laugh, grabbing Alex’s arm as he threatens to pour his ice cold beer onto you. “You wouldn’t waste your alcohol anyway,” you add, pushing him away. 

“It’s fucking Natty Light, don’t think I won’t waste a couple bucks.”

“To what? Make me miserable?” you joke, sliding away from him in the hot tub. 

Alex chuckles, giving in and leaning against the back of the hot tub. “Matt would kill me anyway, nobody can do anything to his girl,” he mutters under his breath before taking a swig of his beer. 

“What?” You ask, voice wavering as you stare at Alex. 

“Matt’s here,” he tells you, eyebrows raising. “Shit, you didn’t know. He was inside when I went to grab another beer.”

You glance over at the sliding glass door, watching as Matt walks through it with impeccable timing. You let out a shaky breath, pressing your hands into the side of the hot tub as you climb out, grabbing your towel off the chair next to you. After Christmas your conversations with Matt became less frequent. You only ever replied to every few messages and you tried so hard to distance yourself from him. 

“Y/N,” Matt says, walking towards you with conviction. 

“Hi,” you say, wrapping your damp body with the beach towel. “I didn’t know you would be here.”

“I didn’t know you would be here,” he echoes. “Did you not want to see me?”

“I didn’t say that,” you mutter, fiddling with the edge of the towel. “Are you home for the summer?”

“A couple months, yeah.”

Nodding you look around, trying to find some distraction to give yourself enough time to compose yourself. “That’s good…nice, that you get to, um, spend time with your family and all,” you stammer, stepping away from him. “I have to go.”

You begin to spin around but before you have the chance to go anywhere Matt has your hand in his, pulling you back to face him. “No, I’m not letting you walk away without talking to me this time. I did it at Christmas and I’ve regretted it ever since.”

“What do you want me to say, Matt?” You ask, shaking your head. “That I still loved you in December? That I hadn’t even kissed another guy at that point? That deep down I was still hoping that somehow, someway we could be together? Like we still had a shot,” you snap, ripping your hand out of his. “If that’s what you wanted to hear then there you go.”

Matt glances around, noticing the few people in the backyard staring at the two of you now. “I didn’t, fuck, I don’t know,” he whispers, stepping closer as if there was any hope of keeping the conversation on the down low now. “I’m sorry about Christmas, I should have told you before we slept together. But I want to know about now.”

“Now what?”

Matt takes a deep breath, shrugging. “What are your feelings now?”

“You think I’m still fucking in love with you?” You ask, sniffling softly. “Because I’m not,” you lie, stepping around him and heading inside. 

You’re heading down the hallway with your clothes to change out of your bikini when you sense someone following you. Glancing back you see Matt walking quickly towards you. “You mean it?”

“That I don’t love you anymore?” You ask, pushing the bathroom door open. 

“Yeah,” Matt answers, leaning against the door frame and watching you set your clothes down on the counter. 

“It doesn’t really matter,” you tell him, reaching around behind your back and yanking at the string of your bikini, wishing you hadn’t double knotted it. It probably would have been easier to deal with accidentally flashing your friends than fumbling to untie it now in front of Matt.  

“Here,” Matt says, stepping into the bathroom and standing behind you. His fingers quickly undo the knot on your bikini, his eyes moving up to look at you through the mirror. You can feel the tension building as you stare at each other uncertainly. “Do you?”

“I think so,” you finally whisper, turning around to look up at him. 

Matt nods, leaning down till his lips were hovering over yours. “Me too.”

Bringing your hand to the back of his neck you press your lips to his, kissing him desperately. You had been with other guys this time, you had tried different things, met new people. But nothing ever felt as good as being with Matt. Keeping your lips pressed to his you fumble your way to the bathroom door, pushing it shut and locking it. 

The summer felt much like your last, most days spent with Matt. You would have beach days with your friends, partying many of the nights away. Some mornings you two would go for runs before the day became too hot and then the two of you would sit around in one of your backyards, taking turns under the shade of the umbrella so your skin wouldn’t burn too bad. You would spend nights curled up in bed, watching countless episodes of shows on Netflix or starting movies you never finished before becoming distracted by each other. 

But of course it had to come to an end. And with the end you were back to being an emotional mess, grieving the end of the relationship for the third time.

December 25, 2017

“I love your dress, Annie,” you say to your six year old cousin sitting on the couch in your living room. Your family was having Christmas dinner at your house this year and it was crowded with relatives you only saw a few times a year. 

“Thank you,” her small voice says shyly.

Sitting down beside her on the edge of the couch you carefully smooth out your own dress. “Is it new?”

“Mommy bought it for me for today.”

“Oh wow, well it’s beautiful.” As you lift your head to take a sip of your drink you notice your mother waving at you from across the room. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?” 

“Okay,” Annie mumbles, leaning back against the couch. 

“Matthew is here,” your mom tells you as you approach. “He’s waiting outside.”

“You wouldn’t let him come in?” 

“Y/N,” your mom deadpans, shaking her head. “Of course I told him to come in, he insisted on waiting out there for you.”

Nodding you head down the hall and open the door, seeing Matt standing in the cold winter air. “Didn’t want to come inside?”

“I didn’t realize you were having everyone over tonight,” Matt admits, watching you step outside and shut the door behind you. “You look amazing,” he tells you as his eyes run up and down your body. 

Smiling gently you glance down at the dark red wrap dress you had on. “Thanks,” you whisper. “How long are you in town for?”

“Not long,” Matt tells you, fumbling with a small bag he had in his hands. “We didn’t get as much time off this year. I got here last night and fly out again tomorrow night. But I wanted to see you.” Extending his arm he brings the gift bag towards you. “And give you this.”

“Matt, you didn’t have to buy me a present,” you tell him, taking the small bag out of his hand. “I didn’t get you anything.”

Matt chuckles quietly, leaning against the railing of the deck. “I don’t need anything.”

“I don’t either,” you retort, watching him nod towards the bag. Opening it you pull out some tissue paper along with a small box. “Matt,” you whisper, opening the box to reveal a delicate silver necklace. Your eyes fill with tears as you turn your attention up to him. “It’s so beautiful, thank you so much.”

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Matt chuckles, reaching over and taking your hand, pulling you closer. Quickly he wraps his arms around you, holding you for a couple seconds. 

“Do you want to come inside for a bit?” You whisper. 

Matt pulls back slightly, looking down at you. “I don’t want to interrupt your family time.”

Shaking your head you lean up, pressing your lips to his gently. “You pretty much are family, Matt,” you whisper. “Just have to buy me a ring instead of a necklace,” you joke. 

“You know I would,” Matt tells you, sliding his arm down to hold your hand. 

“Come on,” you giggle, pulling him into the house. Inside you only have to introduce Matt to a few people, most remembering him from the four years you two were together, when you and him were practically inseparable. 

Awhile later you’re standing with Matt in the kitchen, everyone else gathered in the living room. You’re leaning against the counter and Matt has his hands on either side of you, pinning you against it. 

“I’ve missed you,” you whisper, looking up him through your eyelashes. 

“Don’t give me that look,” Matt groans. 

Giggling you lean onto your tip toes, pressing your lips to his again, grateful for the privacy in the kitchen. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you tease. 

“I’m not joking,” Matt mutters. “i’m going to have to go cool off in a second if you don’t stop.”

Glancing over towards the stairs you press your hands against his shoulders, pushing him back so you can slip out from against the counter. “I’ll help you cool off.” 

Quickly you scurry up the stairs with Matt to your bedroom, closing and locking the door behind you. “We just have to be quiet,” you tell him, still facing the door. 

“I’m not doing this,” Matt says suddenly. 

Turning around you look up at Matt with furrowed eyebrows. “What? Why? We spent years hooking up with my family downstairs. I can be quiet, Matt. Nobody will know.”

Matt reaches over and takes your hand, pulling you into him and wrapping his arms around your body. “Not that,” he mumbles. “I love you, Y/N. This isn’t about sex and I don’t want you to think it is. I love you and I miss you and fuck, yes, I would love to hear you moan my name again but it’s not about that.”

Sniffling quietly you pull back to look up at Matt through glossy eyes. “We can’t be together again, Matt. We live over a thousand miles away from each other. I love you too, I love you so much but we can’t…we can’t keep doing this.”

Matt nods and you watch a tear slip down his cheek, one of the few times you had ever seen Matt cry. “Go spend some time with your family before you have to go back to Calgary,” you whisper, your voice croaking and wavering. 

Matt nods, leaning down and kissing your forehead gently. “I love you.” Stepping back Matt lets your hand drop slowly, hesitantly. You stay standing there till he’s walked out the door of your bedroom, till you’re sure he’s made it through the front door. Out of your life, again. 

February 22, 2018

Ian. Tall and handsome, charming and funny. He was in your political science class first year, followed you on Instagram but didn’t make a move till your second year. He sent you a DM, asking if you wanted to go out one night.

If you were being honest, you didn't want to go. But you knew you needed to. Because the only reason you didn’t want to go was because you were sill in love with Matthew. But you weren’t together with him anymore and you needed to move on. 

So you agreed to go for drinks one Friday night. It was so much better than you thought. The two of you talked for hours in that bar and when you finally got home that night you felt giddy and happy and like maybe things were finally moving forward. 

But then every time Matt came into your mind you felt a heavy sadness in your chest because you knew you needed to distance yourself from him. You couldn’t keep calling him when you had bad days. You couldn’t keep sending him flirty messages or suggestive pictures. When you were both home you couldn’t see each other in the same way anymore. 

After quite a few dates you agreed to be Ian’s girlfriend and you knew eventually you would have to tell Matt, that you couldn’t just fade out of his life. 

You were up late working on an assignment for your psychology class when your phone started ringing. Reaching over you pick it up and look at who the FaceTime call was from. Matt. Sliding your thumb across the screen you see Matt show up, his room dimly lit. 

“Hi,” you greet, propping your phone up. 

“Didn’t want to answer my text messages?” Matt jokes. 

Sighing you shake your head. “Just um,” you hum. 

“It’s okay, baby, I was joking,” he chuckles and you notice that he’s shirtless in his bed. “What are you doing?”

“Just working on an assignment,” you tell him, fiddling with a pen that was sitting on your desk. “Matt, you can’t…you can’t call me baby anymore.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize it bothered you. You could have told me earlier, you know that right?”

“It’s not that, Matt. I’m just, I’ve been seeing someone.”

Matt is quiet for a moment and you can feel your heart hammering in your chest. “What does that mean ‘seeing someone’?”

Swallowing heavily you tap your fingers nervously against the desk. “I’m in a relationship now.”

“That’s what’s changed,” Matt remarks. “I should have known.”

“I should have told you sooner, it’s just hard. I think I still lo-.” You stop yourself before saying it, your cheeks flushing as you avoid looking at Matt. 

“You what?” 

Shaking your head you wipe away a couple tears from your eyes. “Nothing.”

“Baby,” Matt mumbles, ignoring what you told him. Because he knew you didn’t actually mind, that you just didn’t want to cross any boundaries with Ian. “You can’t do this.”

“Do what?” You whisper, avoiding looking at the camera all together now, your eyes fixated on a small scratch on the desk in your dorm room. 

“You can’t tell me you still love me when you’re in a relationship with someone else.”

Swallowing heavily you nod. Finally you muster up the courage and take a deep breath. “I don’t love you, Matt.” Your voice was shaky and high pitched and you knew that nobody would believe your lie but you needed to say it anyway. You needed to put those words out there, true or false to finally take the first step of moving on. 

Matt is silent for awhile, the sound of raindrops on your window the only real sound in the room. “Okay,” Matt finally mutters. “I do still love you, Y/N. But I get it, I know you need to move on. We both do, I guess. So, um, I hope he makes you happy and I’ll…I’ll stop calling and texting.”

There’s tears streaming down your face as Matt tells you he’ll stop reaching out, a deep pain in your chest as you try to hold it all together. “You know I want nothing but the best for you, right?” You finally croak, your fingers shaking as you try to wipe away your tears. 

“I want the best for you too, Y/N. That’s why I’ll leave you alone now.”

July 10, 2019

“Just throw it already,” Ian says, words slurred with the influence of alcohol. 

Lowering the ping pong ball you turn your attention to Ian, your eyes narrowed. “Just calm down.”

“Give her a minute, she’s great at beer pong.”

You turn around quickly, your eyes landing on Matt. He was standing behind you with a beer in his hand, looking as handsome as you remember. But you had a boyfriend now and you hadn’t talked to Matt much in the last year and a half and you didn’t know how you were supposed to feel but you probably weren’t supposed to feel this rush of happiness through your body. 

“Matt, hey,” you greet, stepping forward and giving him a friendly but perhaps lingering hug. “You didn’t tell me you were in town.”

“Didn’t really think that was something you told your ex now that they’re in a new relationship.” Matt glances behind you, nodding towards Ian. “Is this…?”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” you tell him, stepping to the side. “Matt, this is Ian. Ian, this Matt, my-.”

“-ex,” Ian chimes in, reaching over and giving Matt a rough handshake. “Nice to meet you, man.”

“Yeah, uh, you two,” Matt mutters, his eyes drifting to you. “I’m in town till August sometime if you want to get together to catch up,” Matt tells you. 

Ian quickly wraps his arm around your waist, tugging you a little too hard into his side. Stumbling you reach over, grabbing his arm to steady yourself. “Yeah, I don’t think she’ll be doing that.”

“Ian,” you mumble warningly. “See you around, Matt,” you whisper, ducking out of Ian’s arm to scurry to the bathroom to compose yourself. 

“He seems like a nice guy.” There’s heavy sarcasm in Matt’s tone as he steps into the bathroom doorframe. 

Looking over you force a smile onto your lips, your hands resting on the cool granite countertop of the bathroom. “He is, he’s just drunk.”

Matt crosses his arms over his chest, watching you for a minute. “That’s not an excuse, but I think you know that.”

“I’m not trying to make excuses,” you mutter, turning around and leaning against the bathroom counter. “He’s nice, it’s just not a great night.”

“I don’t care if it’s not a great night, he shouldn’t be talking to you like that, controlling you like that.”

“Well you are my ex, Matt. Do you expect him to be okay with us hanging out?”

Matt glances down at the ground, shifting nervously. “You’re more than just an ex to me, Y/N. You were my best friend, the person I trusted with everything, I still do and-.”

“Matt,” you interrupt, noticing Ian walking down the hallway behind Matt. 

Matt follows your gaze, shifting slightly so his back was no longer to Ian. You knew Matt well enough to know the look of disgust on his face when he looks at Ian. 

“We’re going,” Ian says harshly, brushing past Matt to stand in front of you. 

“I-,” you begin but Ian has his hand wrapped around your bicep before you can say anything more. His grasp was gentle but it still sent a wave of panic through your body. 

“Y/N,” Matt says, catching your attention. “Can I talk to you?”

“Go ahead,” Ian says, wrapping an arm around your body and tugging you into his side. 

“Alone,” Matt adds, eyes narrowed as he stares over at Ian. 

Ian shakes his head, placing his hands on your waist and pushing you out through the bathroom door. “She’s not yours anymore, man. Just leave her alone.”

“She’s not yours either,” Matt snaps, stepping in front of Ian. “She’s her own person, she doesn’t belong to anyone so stop fucking treating her like she does.”

“Matt,” you mutter warningly, barely able to look him in the eyes. You hated that you put him in this position, needing to stand up for you like that. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Matt says, his tone soft as he stares at you, desperately trying to make eye contact with you. “Y/N,” Matt whispers, his tone desperate.

“I have to go,” you whisper, finally looking him in the eyes. “It’s okay, Matt. I promise.”

You walk down the hall with Ian, glancing back over your shoulder before turning the corner, giving Matt a small, unconvincing smile before disappearing from the house. 

December 26, 2020

“Get out,” Ian yells from the driver’s side of the small car. 

“Get out? We’re a twenty minute drive from my parent’s house, Ian,” you snap, glaring at the man across the console. The man who at one time made you feel like you were on top of the world now made you feel like you were free falling in life with no way to stop yourself. 

Taking your boyfriend home for Christmas. It was supposed to be beautiful and fun and festive. Instead you were sitting in your rental car fighting with the man you were supposed to trust and love and yet your heart was racing with fear. 

“Get the fuck out of the car, Y/N,” Ian yells again, this time with a tone that sent a shiver through your body. And you didn’t know what you were going to do when you got out of the car but you didn’t want to find out what might happen if you stayed in it either. So you put your hand on the door handle, pushing it open against the force of the cold winter air and stepped out of the car. He was speeding off before you even had the door closed and the tears were rolling down your face before you managed to pull your phone out. You call your parents and a few friends that were left in the city but it was one in the morning and everyone was asleep. 

Finally you dial the number of the one person you knew would come and get you, the one person who you felt deeply ashamed and yet incredibly comforted to call. 

“Y/N?” Matt’s groggy voice answers, evident that you had woken him up. “What’s going on?”

“You’re home, right?”

“Yeah, I’m back for Christmas,” Matt tells you. “You’re here with, um, Isaac?”

“Ian,” you whisper. “I know this is insane to ask, but do you think you could pick me up?”

“I, uh, yeah, of course. Why? Whats happening? Where are you?”

You tell him the intersection you were at, promising to explain the situation once he got there. And sure enough he got there, fast enough that you knew he had to have been speeding. 

“Jesus Christ, Y/N,” he says as you climb into the car, your body shivering from the cold. “Why are you out here alone? Have you been crying?”

Matt is leaning forward, pulling his hoodie off and handing it to you before you have a chance to say anything. And as much as you didn’t want to take the hoodie you were uncomfortably cold and couldn’t bring yourself to say no. It smelt like Matt and you knew it was wrong for you to love it as much as you did. “He left me here,” you finally mutter. 

“What?”

All you can manage to do is glance at Matt before you’re staring back down at your hands. “Ian, we were fighting. I didn’t want to do it at my parents house so I told him we should go for a drive. He just kept getting angrier and angrier and he finally stopped the car and told me to get out. I didn’t want to, but I was scared and I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Scared?” Matt asks, sounding broken. “Scared of what?”

“Him,” you whisper, finally looking over at Matt. “Things haven’t been great lately, I thought maybe it would get better, just a rough patch but they haven’t and I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Matt mutters, reaching over and taking your hand in his so gently you almost felt like the words and the actions were coming from two different people. 

“No, Matt, you can’t get involved. I can handle it.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Matt tells you, squeezing your hand reassuringly. “He doesn’t deserve you, he never did. He was always a piece of shit.” 

“I’m just scared of what he’ll do,” you whisper, forcing yourself to look at Matt now. “I never thought…never thought that I would be here, like this.”

“Come home with me tonight. I don’t fly back to Calgary till tomorrow afternoon. We can deal with this tomorrow morning,” Matt suggests, leaning across the console of the car and tugging you into a hug. “I’m going to keep you safe, okay?”

You can feel another wave of tears, grasping at Matt’s arms as you sink into him. “Thank you, Matt. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Slowly Matt backs away, his thumbs brushing the tears from your cheeks. “You okay coming back to my place tonight?”

Nodding you lean back in your seat, pulling your seatbelt on. 

You’re pulling into the driveway of Matt’s family home twenty minutes later, climbing out and heading to the front door with him. The house is silent and dark and you follow Matt to his room wordlessly. In the bedroom Matt gets you a t-shirt, handing it to you before hesitating as he glances around. “I can wait in the hall for you to get changed.”

“Matt,” you giggle. “You’ve seen more of me than anyone else has, you don’t need to leave.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to push anything.”

“I’m going to be single tomorrow morning,” you tell him, pulling your sweater off and dropping it to the floor. You knew you should be sad about that. You should be upset about the loss of a relationship you had spent almost two years developing. But you were with Matt and that was the only thing that mattered now. 

You watch Matt’s eyes trail over your body, finally making their way back up to your eyes. “Sorry, I-.”

Shaking your head you reach behind your back, unhooking your bra and dropping it to the ground without looking away from him. “Don’t apologize.”

Matt nods slowly, glancing around the room as he takes a shaky breath. “How is this possible?”

“How is what possible?” You ask, pulling on the t-shirt Matt had given you before shimmying out of your jeans. 

“That I’m still as in love with you as I’ve always been,” Matt mumbles, not looking into your eyes. 

HIs words catch you off guard and you’re silent for a few minutes, processing it. You were still in love with him too, you knew that deep down despite trying to ignore those thoughts for the last few years. You just didn’t know he still felt that way too. After a few minutes of silence you step closer, wrapping your arms around Matt. “I still love you too,” you whisper. 

February 23, 2021

“Marry me,” Matt whispers, his fingers playing with your hair, your head laying on his chest. The two of you were curled up on the couch in his apartment in Calgary. You had been there for a week now and you weren’t feeling overly ready to leave. Reading break at school. Everyone else went on trips or vacations or home to see their families. You came to Calgary to spend even just a few days with Matt. 

You weren’t sure what you and Matt were anymore. After Christmas the two of you started talking more. You would text and call and FaceTime every day. Your interest in any other guy that wasn’t him vanished again and you found your mind stuck on him almost every second of the day. 

Lifting your head up you look into his eyes, smiling softly. “Don’t be an idiot.”

Matt places his hands on your waist, gently turning you to face him. “I’m not. Y/N, it’s been four years since we broke up and we can’t seem to get that right,” Matt tells you, leaning a little closer. “So maybe we’re not supposed to be broken up.”

“So you want to get married?” You giggle, bringing your knees onto either side of his body. 

“I always wanted to marry you,” Matt tells you, pressing his lips to yours gently. “Even in high school I knew, thought it was too crazy to say it back then though.”

“I used to plan out our wedding when I was a teenager,” you admit. 

Matt tucks a piece of your hair behind your ear, his other hand resting on your thigh. “What’s it going to be like?”

Giggling you shake your head. “Not the way I planned it in high school.”

“But it’s going to happen?” Matt teases, placing his hands under your thighs and pulling you forward, laying you down onto your back. 

Laughing you clutch at his biceps, watching as he moves his body over yours. “Let’s do it right now,” you joke. 

“Just go to the courthouse and make it official?”

Biting your bottom lip gently you nod. “Yes.”

Matt chuckles, his hand sliding along your inner thigh. “Only if you let me put a baby in you right now.”

“Matt,” you exclaim, laughing. “I still have to finish school.”

“So I can once you’re done?” 

Pulling Matt down by the back of his neck you press your lips to his eagerly. “Yes,” you finally mumble against his lips. 

“Fuck,” Matt groans, his lips moving down to your neck and making you gasp softly. “What do you have left? Three months?”

Giggling you run your fingers through his hair. “We’re not ready to be parents, Matt.”

Matt groans against your skin, sitting up and grabbing your hands, pulling you up to your feet before swiftly lifting you off them. “Fine, at least let me practice making them then,” he jokes, carrying you into his bedroom and dropping you down onto the bed. 

A couple days later you’re standing in front of the entrance to airport security, looking up at Matt with tears in your eyes. “I don’t want to go,” you croak, one of your hands curled around the edge of his jacket, your bodies so close to each other. 

Matt leans down, pressing his lips to your forehead. “I don’t want you to go either,” he whispers, wrapping his arms around your body. “A couple more months and then you’re done.”

“And then what?” You whisper into his chest. 

“Move to Calgary, live with me.”

“I can’t just move to a new country like that,” you counter, looking up at him through glossy eyes. 

“Why not? You already agreed to marry me,” Matt jokes, leaning down and kissing you gently. “I promise we can figure it all out, I mean, if you want to.”

A couple tears roll down your cheeks as you nod. “Yes, of course I want to.”

“Good,” Matt whispers, kissing you gently again. “You have to go though, you can’t miss your plane.”

“I know,” you whisper, slowly pulling back. You were suddenly giddy with excitement, unable to wipe the smile off your face. “I’ll call you when I get home.”

Matt smiles softly, his hands shoved in his pockets as he watches you take a few steps towards the security lineup. “I love you.”

“And I love you.”

March 20, 2023

You hear the door open, followed a few second later the tall figure of your husband stepping into the kitchen. “Hey beautiful,” Matt says before swooping in, his arms circling around your body. 

“Hi babe,” you whisper, twisting in his arms to face him, leaning up and pressing your lips to his gently. “How was the flight?”

“Good,” he mumbles before kissing you again, his hands warm and tight around your body. “Missed you guys though.”

“Daddy,” Amelia’s high-pitched voice cheers as she runs into the room as fast as her toddler legs will carry her. 

Matt quickly lets go of you, dropping down into a squat and catching her in his arms. “Hi baby,” he says, his voice filled with joy as he scoops her up off the ground, holding her against his body. 

“Park,” Amelia cheers, having spent all day asking if Matt would take take her to the park when he got home. 

“Amelia, sweetie, dad might be too tired to take you to the park right now,” you say gently, reaching over and rubbing her back as she looks up at Matt with big, watery eyes. 

“No, I’m never too tired to tired to go to the park.” Leaning his head down Matt kisses Amelia on the forehead before setting her back on the ground. “Are you coming with us?” Matt asks you. 

“I was just going to tidy up and get dinner started,” you tell him, reaching over and taking his hands, pulling him into you. “It’ll be done in a couple hours if you two could be back by then?”

“Of course,” Matt says gently, leaning down and pressing his lips to your. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” you whisper against his lips. 

Matt begins to pull away before leaning back into you. “And you know I’m never too tired to have fun with you either, right?”

Your eyes widen, shaking your head as you giggle. Pressing your hand against his shoulder you give him a gentle push towards the front door where Amelia was waiting. “Go,” you laugh, unable to get rid of the smile on your face. 

As Matt steps towards the front entryway he pauses, turning back to look at you. 

“What?” You giggle, expecting another suggestive comment. 

“Thank you,” Matt says, voice full of sincerity. 

“For what?” You ask, your hand resting gently on the kitchen counter as you lean your hip into it. 

“For being such a good mom, taking care of Amelia by yourself when I’m out of town.”

“Come here,” you say quietly, taking a couple steps forward and grabbing Matt’s hands, pulling him into you. Leaning up you press your lips to his quickly. “You’re an incredible dad too, Matt. I can’t imagine having a family, a life, with anyone else.”

“I always knew we would get here eventually, you just had to make it complicated.”

“Me?” You scoff, your hands grasping at Matt’s forearms as you giggle. “You made it just as complicated!”

“I did not,” Matt exclaims, one of his arms circling around your waist and pulling you into him. “I would have figured out the long distance thing, but you wanted to go off to university and date other guys…terrible guys might I add.”

“Shut up,” you giggle. “It was always you,” you whisper, pulling back to look into Matt’s eyes, a sudden sincerity falling between you two. “And it always will be you. 

[howmanyepsofmlseason6areleft]

Just wanted to say a lil sumn (not news!)

Before you read my long winded apology, go look at this post with all the new airdates that dropped recently!

Last post for the night, but I wanted to sincerely apologize for messing up again and, while I know it’s not that big of a deal at the end of the day, I still wanted to provide some explanation/thoughts under the cut.

Miraculous chose to come back from hiatus at the exact same time my semester started to pick up speed, and it’s made things real difficult! I remember rushing to write the first airdates post for this season in my dorm bc I was in the middle of drafting a shot list for an upcoming film and, naturally, when it was posted I immediately exited tumblr to keep doing said shot list and as a result didn’t realize my error with the jubilation date until an hour later!

It also doesn’t help that many different channels are dropping news and trailers and leakers are leaking leaks all at the same time back to back every day after months of radio silence!! I’ll have one piece of news and then an hour later another one, or I’ll miss one channel’s airdates because it was drowned out by another channel releasing their airdates later that day and it’s all really really chaotic!

I made this blog to help keep everyone here on track, but it’s important to note that I am also a fan of the show that can get caught up in the craziness of its airing! This blog literally started out as me sharing with everyone how I would keep track of episodes and their airdates on my notes app, something I needed to do because again… it’s crazy being a miraculous fan!

At the end of the day, I’m just an almost (bday on Nov 21st!) 19 year old college sophomore who’s blog she started at 15 grew bigger than she could ever imagine. I know a lot of people rely on my blog as a resource and while it is gratifying, I ask that you guys don’t put me on too much of a pedestal and be patient with me going forward! I always felt I had to live up to this image of this amazing organized person with all the news and airdates always figured out 24/7 but I’m really, really, REALLY not! ALWAYS stay tuned for updates, double check things if you can and, if you have Twitter, follow mlnewsworld on there as they are very consistent with news and are much more organized then I am! Most info I get is from them!

It’s literally 2 am lmao so i should def close out and go to bed, but I just wanted to say A) I have this weekend free and I’m gonna use it to turn on all the necessary notifs + get my schedule in order so things should run much smoother from now on, much like last seasons :-) and B) thank you guys !! Your corrections + love are very much appreciated and each and every one of you seriously help run this blog more than you know and for that I am so so grateful!

Let’s get into this crazy mess together!! On with the circus!!

[familyfriendlyweed]

late night snaps (quackity x reader)

a/n : before we get into the story, i wanted to thank you all for such support on my first post - i only posted it yesterday, and got a hell lot of likes and reblogs and even gained 23 followers, which is insane for me (or maybe i just don’t know how tumblr works, haha)! anyhow, i’m really happy you guys enjoyed it <3 

 it was 02:37 and you were editing your newest video. you had no idea it would take so long, though! even if you were used to staying up very late, you knew you have to put away your laptop and go get some sleep. 

 saving the video as a draft and shutting your computer off, you started to blindly search for your phone, since your eyes didn’t get used to the darkness yet. finally finding it, you turned it on to set an alarm for the next morning when you suddenly saw a snapchat notification from ten minutes ago. it was from Alex. you curiously unlocked your phone and tapped the little notification to be led straight to snapchat.

idiota : hello mamacita

 your face instantly lit up in a childish smile. you started to type your response eagerly like it wasn’t 2 am and you didn’t have online classes tomorrow. 

 you : why hello there, el señor

 you saw Alex’s silly bitmoji pop up as he started to type.  

 idiota : what is my chica bella doing up so late?

 you giggled, getting comfortable in your bed - this meant a long chatting session on its way.

 you : YOUR chica bella? when did that happen?

 idiota : ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!! >:((((

 you : fine you big baby, i was finishing editing a new video

 idiota : hmm i see, i see

 you : what about you though? u should get some sleep!!! :(((

 Alex’s bitmoji started typing, then stopped for some reason. you lifted your eyebrow at that. then he continued, but it took a while for him to finish.

 idiota : why, i just couldn’t fall asleep when you were on my mind all the time, mi amor

 your cheeks grew red in an instant. you knew you could handle jokes pretty well, but this was quite too much. Alex never got so far as to actually flirt with you.

 you : eh??? what drugs are u on

 idiota : the only drug for me is you mamacita

 you snorted. you had no idea if he was being serious or not, even if the second option was more likely.

 you : literally go to sleep wtf

 idiota : i’d sleep better if you were by my side ;)

 this was enough for you - you felt as if you got one more message like this from him, you’d die from the hotness in your cheeks. setting your phone down, you made your way to the bathroom before bed.

 you came back five minutes later, only to see your phone full of notifications from Alex. your heart was thumping really hard, you weren’t used to this, but you opened snapchat anyway.

 idiota : mamacita?

 idiota : ....

 idiota : mamacita, don’t joke w me like that

 idiota : did you really just leave me on read wtf

 idiota : i’m sad come back :(((

 and at last, there was a snap from him. you were quite scared at this point. with a shaking hand, you opened it.

 you laughed so hard that you seriously thought you’ll have a seizure. still laughing, you snapped a selfie with a cute filter on (you really thought you looked horrible at the moment), captioned it with “your chica bella had to take a piss u simp” and sent it to Alex.

 he opened the snap almost imediatelly and started typing afterwards :

 idiota : mamacita!!!! you look hermosa!!!!

 you : that’s because i have a filter on lmaoo

 idiota : mamacita don’t let yourself down, you are so beautiful :((

 you started to text a sarcastic reply, but stopped. for some reason, Alex seemed like he was being truthful. he wasn’t joking around when he called you beautiful, that was too affectionate.

 you : ...really?

 idiota : si, si! <3

 you tugged at your lip in a thinking manner. true, you had feelings for Alex, but you never thought he had something similar to you. or maybe... maybe he was just supporting you as a friend. figuring that was probably it, you texted :

 you : thank you quacker B]] ur also v handsome

 idiota : mamacita likes me!!!!!😍😍😍

 you smiled sadly. Alex was definitely playing around. you got lost in thought for a few moments, thinking about how would he act if he was actually in love with someone. would he, perhaps, be more mature? that would be very weird to look at.

 finally coming back to planet Earth, you looked at your phone only to see that Alex has written a shit ton of messages again :

 idiota : i want to see you, mamacita

 idiota : it’s fine if u don’t want to, you’re probably going to sleep anyway...

 idiota : but maybe let’s meet tomorrow?

 idiota : mamacita?

 idiota : ....

 idiota : i’m coming over <3

 your heart gave a leap of embarassment and surprise. why would he even say that?

 you : wait what

 you : wdym “i’m coming over”

 you : no tf ur not

 you : go to sleep

 idiota : doesn’t mamacita want to see muah???

 you : no, that would be awesome, but you should go to sleep, really :(

 idiota : y/n, i already told you, i can’t sleep when you’re on my mind

 you froze in spot, staring at your screen for what felt like an eternity. did he just call you by your name? you knew he only says it in serious situations. deciding to change your tactic, you started texting seriously :

 you : are you like... for real now?

 you : because i know you call me by my name in serious situations, but maybe it’s only a prank, so just answer me truthfully, okay?

 Alex started typing, it took even longer that before, but at last you saw his message, this time without caps, spammed question/exclamation marks, nothing silly at all :

 idiota : i am serious, y/n. believe me, this is not a prank. i just really wanna see you. 

 your heart skipped a beat or two, your face renewed its redness. you felt as if you were dreaming.

 you : okay... i’m really glad. come over, please

 idiota : thank you so much

 you started pondering in your head - how did this happen? how did this silly conversation turn out like this? 

 but what if Alex texted you because he wanted to come over in the first place? after all, he knew how shitty your sleep schedule was. that would be awesome, you thought, a small smile dancing on your lips.

 you checked the snap map only to see Alex about 100 meters from you. wait... what? 100 METERS??? was Alex near your place the moment he texted you for the first time?

 you jumped up, starting to tidy up your messy room up, only to remember you look like poop at the moment - hair messy, face tired, clothes scrunched. 

 exhaling heavily, you tried to change your appearance quickly - you ran into the bathroom, brushing your hair panickily. then you wrenched the makeup bag open and started to rummage through it trying to find some mascara or something...

 ding ding! 

 you froze, your eyes widened. he was already here, what the hell?!

 you quickly put on some mascara, ran into the hallway while brushing your face with your hands from stress (completely forgetting you have mascara on, somehow) and unlocked the door.

 Alex’s figure was dark, since the lightbulb in the corridor wasn’t working, and it almost gave you a fright. but as soon as he engulfed you in a warm hug, the tension in the pit of your stomach vanished. you hugged him back almost unsurely, but smiling.

 “hello, mamacita”

 you giggled. for some reason, you got the strongest urge to cry. probably from happiness, but it still was confusing to you. nevertheless, tears started running down your cheeks, mixing with mascara, probably making you look like you were going to a halloween dress up party. 

 “hey, why are you crying?” Alex asked, brushing a strand of hair from your face.

 “i look horrible.” you laughed, wiping your tears away.

 “nooo, why won’t you listen to me? i already told you you’re beautiful.” he said with a cute pout. 

 “alright, alright, i’m very beautiful, let me down now.” you said, noticing that he was still holding you in his arms tightly. 

 “whatever the chica bella says.”

 he put you down.

 “aren’t you going to turn on some light? i feel like i’ve gone blind!” Alex exclaimed jokingly and you giggled.

 “i’m like a bat, i hate much light, sorry. buuuut i could turn on this little lamp.” you said, making your way to your desk and turning on a cute little lamp the shade of warm pink.

 “perfect.” Alex said, eyeing you in light now. you thought he’ll make a comment about your awful mascara-stained face, but he said nothing, just smiling and looking at you in awe, like you were some princess in a ball dress instead of a tired college student in messy shorts, an oversized t-shirt and two different socks, because you couldn’t find a pair of the same ones.

 “perfect.” he repeated, shrugging with a smile on his face, like seeing you was everything he needed.

 you laughed and hugged him, muttering a “thanks for coming”. Alex didn’t hesitate and also hugged you, holding you as close as possible, as if he let go of you, he’d drown and would never come back to be by your side again. 

 little did you know, he felt the exact same way.

[btsmosphere]

Crossing Paths - drabble from the Crossfire universe

request from @excusemyuwus -

I remember Tae said he had a crush on her while working on that project so now I kinda want to see his pov of that time and how he was holding being around his crush lol, not gonna lie gangster Tae all nervous bc he like someone is something want to see (also imagine how much the guys would tease him uwu)

tumblr ate your ask when I tried to answer it, sorry! this is the only part I had copied, but if it ever resurfaces, I shall answer there. for now it is still refusing to cooperate so I am posting like this! (update: the ask just returned, it is here)

~pairing: taehyung x reader ~word count: 1.4k ~pre-relationship, fluff, angst, slice of life, mafia au, college au ~rating: g ~warnings: vague mention of gang activity, this is a gang au after all, but it’s not particularly prominent

~a/n: thank you for your great request! this was so nice to come back to, I am so sentimental about this series as my first bts fic🥰takes me back to when I was just getting into bts… it felt hard to do it justice! because of this, sorry it took me a while to write, but I wanted to do it well, and again I kept the theme of making my ‘drabbles’ wayyy longer😅final big thanks to the site being frustrating and eating drafts and such🙃🙃but here it is, finally seeing the light of day! I hope you enjoy it x

“I can tell something’s on your mind, Tae.”

Jimin stared coolly at his friend. Looking over his shoulder guiltily as he unlocked the door, Tae found the other boy with his hands in his pockets, looking expectant.

All Tae could do was shrug as he elbowed the door open, heading to ditch his bag.

“Hey, Jimin’s right.”

A light flick on Tae’s forehead made him startle, looking up to find Hobi grinning, though his head was tilted to one side in question.

“What is it?”

Jimin’s shoulder nudged his own as they sunk into the sofa.

Tae checked his phone.

“It’s just a project for class, don’t worry about it,” he pocketed his phone, ignoring their gazes, “I gotta meet with my partner in an hour.”

“It’s okay, I wasn’t staying that long anyway,” Hobi slumped down too, having helped himself to a drink from the fridge, “I’m on watch with Yoongi across town.”

As the discussion turned to this week’s jobs and deals, Taehyung rested his head back against the sofa. The sounds of his friends’ conversation was like static. Instead, he was picturing the scene in class earlier, as the slideshow was flipped to show the project partners on the screen.

Tae hadn’t been too fussed, idly playing with his pen lid as he searched for his name. But when his eyes fell on it, he sat up straight.

Having only bumped into you a few times in class, he had never expected his heart to be hammering quite so hard as he quickly scanned the room for you. Sliding his things away, he had walked towards you as everyone began to file out, meeting you halfway as you did the same.

Leaning against a desk to keep his jittery hands occupied, he grinned at you.

Your returning smile, he noticed, was much more nervous, only flickering into existence for a wavering second. The two of you had only a brief conversation to sort out when you would meet, before you had practically scurried away.

His eyes had lingered on you as his smile slowly sank.

Unconsciously poking his tongue against his cheek, Tae wondered if you were afraid of him.

“Hey!”

A finger clicked sharply in front of his face. He blinked back at Hobi’s grin, Jimin bursting into laughter at his side.

“Just a project, my ass,” Hobi shook his head, dumping an empty bottle on the coffee table, “don’t wanna be late, do you?”

A radiant smile was tossed over his shoulder as Hobi left the room, front door clicking soon after.

Sending his best friend a knowing look, Jimin also gathered himself to stand.

“Have fun tonight, yeah?”

He winked. Tae protested, shooting up from the sofa with an affronted look.

“So it is a special someone?” Jimin giggled.

“You’re impossible,” Tae grumbled, trailing after him to the door, “it’s just a project, I told you.”

Jimin hummed in a way which made it very clear he didn’t believe him.

“Don’t scare them off, tiger,” he remarked, stepping outside.

Tae’s shoulders slumped. He was certain that was just what he had already done.

“I’m busy tonight. And my house isn’t free, so I can’t have anyone showing up here.”

Namjoon chuckled across the line.

“All this for a college project?” Clearly he had heard about this from the others. “If you could lend Kook some of your commitment to school, that would be great,” he teased.

Sighing, Tae spun around to survey the road outside his window, ruffling his own hair.

“You’re very funny, but I need to go. See you tomorrow.”

Tae was certain he would never hear the end of this from the others. It was true that he had firmly set aside time for your meeting today, even if it was only for a minor college presentation. But it was important to him.

He knew that this was the only time he would get together with you, and though it would end as soon as the presentation was given, he couldn’t help but want to make the most of it. At your last meeting, he had been largely distracted by the dizzying height of your apartment, leaving him shying back from any windows.

So this left you with his house today instead.

Arriving soon after Tae’s phone call, you were both soon seated on his floor. Though you mostly worked in quiet with occasional, quick conversation, it was not awkward. Your legs lay close together under the coffee table as you scribbled away diligently on its surface.

Glancing over the lid of his laptop as his fingers hung idly, Tae sighed. Watching as your pen swirled across your notebook, he let his eyes drift across your focussed features.

He swallowed as he did so, teeth tugging his lip. A light frown came over your features. He couldn’t take his eyes away from your lips as your pen lifted to your mouth, resting between your teeth as you mulled the work over, eyes flitting about the page.

Eventually, the lack of tapping at his keyboard must have got through to you. You raised your head.

Too late to divert his gaze, Taehyung cleared his throat and muttered a proposal for a break. Eager as well to put your work aside, you clambered from the floor to join him at his offer of a drink.

Moving through to the kitchen, he made casual conversation, asking after your dad. Last time there had only been a brief meeting, as he met Tae at the door before you hurried him away.

Picking up on his offer to chat, you teased Tae for his fear of heights, giggling over how he had screwed his eyes shut whenever he had come within sight of the view from your windows.

Of course, Tae tried his best to roll his eyes at you, but the smile dragging the corners of his mouth refused to be suppressed.

He poured your drinks. When he turned away to put the cartons back in the fridge, he took a breath, trying to settle himself. Why did he feel so flustered?

Squaring his shoulders a little more, he turned back, only for his hand to catch one of the glasses. It clattered against the surface, barely leaving time for him to jump back and avoid being splattered with its contents.

You hopped from your seat, ready to help.

Swallowing down his shock, Tae scratched at the back of his neck to hide his slightly trembling hand.

“Don’t worry,” he quickly muttered, flashing a nervous smile as he gathered towels and set to cleaning up.

Soft laughter followed from you. Still, you reached across to help.

Righting the glass and taking one of the cloths to clear up, your hand came concerningly close to Tae’s own. He kept his eyes firmly fixed on the countertop, his cheeks warm even as you finished and he was rooting in the fridge again for a refill.

You seemed miraculously unfazed by his flailing, though, he noticed as you finally settled beside each other sipping your drinks.

“So it went well?”

Jimin nudged a reluctant Tae, eyebrows wiggling all the time.

“Yes, fine,” Tae groaned, trying to shrug him off.

Jimin did stop, but only in favour of staring at his friend with doleful eyes.

“Don’t be like that. You’ll see her again. You literally share a class!”

“It’s nothing like that,” Tae refuted.

He even halfway believed it.

You had got on well together, but surely not more than could be expected of most classmates? He sighed a little as he thought of it. It had been fun, but there was no excuse to spend any more time with you.

Besides, sparing one night to work on a project was a little different to becoming friends, or even more…

There was a reason the bangtan boys stuck to themselves.

But as he reminisced, he knew he had a soft spot for you, even if it should come to nothing. The project was over, the presentation given, but he still remembered the way you bounced with excited relief after you had finished talking to the class. Your face was glowing as you high-fived him with a grin, the work having paid off.

There was still a hint of nervousness though, and you had only given a timid smile and a small ‘see you later’ before heading out of class.

And that was the end of it.

But Tae smiled to himself. It had been fun, and he knew he wouldn’t be sorry if you ever crossed paths again.

Thank you for reading! Reblogs and comments super appreciated always!!

Taglist: @aianloveseven​ @preciouschimine​ @un2-verse​ @ddaechwita​ @taegularities​ 

[supportivespaceforsurvivors]

An explanation of recent events

Hi all. I am posting a timeline of the recent events that have ended up with me inviting some of the mods I trust from @advicetotraumasurvivors to this blog. It is incomplete; as of this posting (4pm CST, August 23, 2021), nobody has admitted any wrongdoing, but I know a lot of you aren't really sure what happened at all. I apologize in advance for the verb tense shift midway through. I unfortunately don't have the spoons to edit it.

Hayden does not plan to stay with the blog. Olive plans to stay at least for now. I will likely stay. I'm not sure about Henrie or Berry at the moment. Those are the only mods that currently have access to this blog. (Edit from Mod Henrie: I’ll be staying.)

The timeline will be under the cut as it is fairly long. All times are in Central Standard Time.

Around 5:30pm CST last night, April messaged the Discord telling us she was leaving the blog. She left both the Discord and the blog shortly thereafter. We got some anons asking about why she'd left and I directed those towards her @traumasurvivors blog because I didn't feel comfortable trying to speak for her, One of them felt my answers was dismissive. That anon ended up being a mod in the Discord who was triggered by my tone. We received more asks from them, one passive-aggressive and one outright guilt-trippy.

At 7:30pm CST Henrie made an announcement that everyone who participates in the blog is a volunteer. Several mods offered in the Discord to mediate since the mod who was upset didn't feel comfortable addressing the issue with me directly.

Around 9:00pm CST we started getting some positive messages to the blog. I started to think maybe the situation had blown over. I tried to answer one of the positive anons. Tumblr gave me an error code.

We discovered the upset mod had deleted all of our inbox messages.

At 9:30pm CST Berry noticed posts were disappearing from our blog. I had noticed some weren't showing up for me, but because Tumblr is a Hellsite I figured they were there and it was just a glitch. Even the pinned post got deleted.

I panicked and asked what if the Carrd got deleted. Unfortunately, whoever the mod was, saw that and changed the email and password to the Carrd.

At 9:36pm I started adding Henrie, Hayden, Berry, and Olive to this side blog. This ended up taking several hours because we were all disoriented and triggered pretty badly by then.

At 9:45 pm I noticed they deleted my mod tag. We kept trying to encourage them to stop. Henrie reblogged all the asks that were still there to their personal in case they got deleted.

At 9:55pm I left the server and asked Berry to invite me to the new one they said they'd make so the handful of us could discuss the situation while feeling a bit more safe. There's a gap of about 20 minutes in the timeline here but I'm not sure anything super important happened during it.

Olive rescues most of the info from the Carrd by 10:21pm. April offers to transcribe the pinned post that I managed to screenshot on my phone.

Hayden makes a post around this time saying we've moved URLs. The upset mod deletes it.

I ask April if she will write down the URLs of all of our followers on advicetotraumasurvivors and send asks to them one by one to let them know what's going on. An extremely inefficient method, but at this point I'm at a loss. Henrie starts sending the asks to our followers. April finishes transcribing the pinned post at about 10:30.

At this point I have taken my sleep med and am losing reading comprehension rapidly. I say I'm going to bed but end up not sleeping until something like 4am.

At 10:31 Olive discovers that the upset mod has password-protected the blog. Henrie copy pastes the only ask in the inbox. It came in after the others were deleted.

At 11pm Olive announces she has a download/export of the blog in progress to hopefully preserve some of the posts and information on it. I ask April to boost the new URL. Henrie asks Tumblr's customer service system about uploading the file to the new blog.

At 11:10 Berry notices the queue is being messed with. Several mods go back and forth with the saboteur mod changing how often the queue posts. I suggest that we reblog ask games to the new blog so people can get to know us better once this all dies down.

At 11:21 Hayden announces the blog title has been changed to DON'T TALK TO US. A few minutes later Olive says some extremely tasteless tags are being added to queued posts, including the r slur and the n word. We won't go to any more detail about any of the other things that were said because they were extremely triggering, but we are deeply sorry to any followers (and mods) that may have seen those tags.

11: 38pm: Henrie makes posts on both blogs saying it's not us typing these awful things and to block advicetotraumasurvivors.

11:40pm: We decide to delete all the posts on the blog and the whole queue. April starts mass deleting.

11:53pm: I screenshot all the asks in the drafts. We delete all the drafts. The upset mod continues to change the blog title to triggering and inflammatory things.

1am today (Monday): Henrie asks if it's okay to announce to the original server that we moved discords and blogs. I ask if we can avoid adding people to the new discord until we know who the mod is that's upset. We eventually agree to hold off on adding people into the new discord.

2:44am: April gets an anon apologizing for their poor/inflammatory actions on her traumasurvivors blog and posts a response separate from the ask. We wait, hoping that the anon will message April.

3am: We get a similar apology on the new blog. It gets screenshotted and sent the new Discord so everyone can see it. I delete the ask from the inbox with everyone's permission because it feels very guilt trippy to me.

3:23 April gets more anons blaming her for the situation spiraling out of control, presumably from the upset mod.

12:22pm: April has more anons when we all wake up. All of us in the new server agree that we're tired and just want the situation resolved. No one comes forward.

Edit from mod Henrie: This is a timeline of all of the “major events”, but it doesn’t convey how frantic we all were. We were all feverishly working on deleting triggering tags/deleting posts/trying to find out who was doing this/etc. in between each of these times. It was chaotic and messy and incredibly exhausting for everyone involved.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (16/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Note: 

I know I said on tumblr I was planning on ending the story today and apologies for dragging this out longer.

The final chapter is already written out but editing is gonna take me an extra hour or so. Also, this week has been hectic, work especially has been very hectic since I'm covering a job for 3 people now while they hire. I ended up getting a little sick today so I decided to put off a lot of the asks and postings until Sunday.

I could post the final chapter earliest, tomorrow night. Latest, I'll be posting the final chapter is Wednesday. I wanna get it out soon but there are still a lot of stuff I'm hoping to fix up so, apologies for not meeting the expectations.

Thank you so much for reading though. It really means a lot to me. 

As always, feedback is very much appreciated.

“You can take a seat Hange.” Shela’s voice was gentle. She had taken her time pronouncing every syllable.

Still, something jumped inside Hange as she heard it. She gathered herself together and willed herself to make eye contact. “Sorry about that...I got a little distracted,” she said. She was starting to get a little self conscious. Did she actually jump? Was her tone too jittery? Were her eyes too wide?

The woman in front of her seemed unfazed as if she was watching Hange do something so normal as to just stare at the room in front of her for a long few seconds. Still, Hange avoided her gaze and looked around as she made her way towards the sofa.

Levi had only ever talked about how much of a hassle and how much of a pain the whole process of going to therapy was. Over time, he had started ditching the sessions altogether. Consequently, Hange had expected an atmosphere that would make her feel a little more restrained than what she had felt then.

It turned out just entering the room made her feel the complete opposite of what she had expected.

Shela’s office was more spacious than Hange had imagined it to be. Or more full of life.

Filled with too much life in a way that Hange couldn’t understand. But it seemed to hold more than the average doctor’s office she’d been to. Maybe it was the paintings on the wall or the wooden bookshelf that stood so tall and wide it was an omnipresent in the room.

Either way, it was comfortable and Hange chalked it to the rustic feel of the room. The ambiance was just too strange, the shades of the wallpaper, the rustic carpeted floor was too indulgent of her senses and she could have been taking a little more time than necessary to get to her seat.

It looked like Shela followed suit. By the time Hange had settled on the chair, Shela had still been on her way.

Shela leaned forward from her seat and reached out a hand in greeting. She seemed excited, too excited. “It’s nice to finally be able to talk to you like this, Hange Zoe,” she said.

That excitement in her voice was enough at least to pull Hange’s focus away from the ambiance of the room and towards the woman in front of her. A clear reminder that she was there for a reason.

Or two reasons. Hange corrected herself as she pulled out her file. “Thank you so much for agreeing to go through this with me,” she said. “Since Levi started having sessions with you, we kept in touch so at least we had some history beforehand… And given your background, I thought you might be the best person to give me some extra content on my thesis.”

“For your review of related literature?”

Hange nodded. “It’s not yet done. I did research already on the biological aspect but I thought you might have information on the psychological aspects of it…” She pulled out a folder from her bag and slid the file towards Shela.

Shela was quick to scan through the title. “Looks interesting. What made you pick this topic?”

“Many things...” Hange said. “I thought I would be able to help more people doing this type of thesis. And maybe I can take further studies and---”

“Does this have anything to do with Levi?” . Shela raised one eyebrow at her.

“Oh? Was it obvious?” Hange asked. She deemed it futile to have even denied it then.

Shela started to flip through the pages of the draft a little quicker. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from him. He never replied to any of my texts.” She stood up, gesturing for Hange to continue talking as she made her way to the shelf at the back of the room.

“He went home,” Hange said. There was an awkward pause for a few seconds and she felt some inclination to fill it herself. “Back to his hometown,” she added. “He probably wanted to spend his birthday with them, or maybe Christmas. I guess this is a good time for him to go home… He---”

“So Hange, do you wanna talk about Levi? Or would you like to talk about your thesis?” The way Shela said it was far from abrasive.

From her position, Hange couldn’t even tell what face Shela was making. Yet she found herself a little shaken, particularly self conscious she was taking up precious office time. And for a few seconds longer, Hange struggled to find the right words. “There are things I wanted to ask about… Like definitely, I told you I need to discuss the psychological aspect and…”

“Well, from what I’m seeing, this didn’t need a session. I could have emailed you the pdf file of my thesis and just answered if you had any questions.”

Hange only noticed then as Shela walked back to her seat that she had pulled out two binders from one of the bookshelves.

“If you need any more sources for your thesis, you can read through this.” Shela placed the binders on the table and flipped to the last page of the thicker one. “And you can check through my bibliography for any more sources and I’m sure you’ll figure the rest out on your own. Levi told me you were a pretty good researcher growing up…”

Hange felt the blood rush to her face. That only made it harder to grasp for the right words. “When was your last session with Levi?” There were many other things Hange would have wanted to ask then. Her mouth just wouldn’t cooperate.

“A little more than a month ago. A few weeks before your finals. “ Shela answered. She rested her elbows on her lap, her chin on her hands.

“Finals ended more than two weeks ago. I was hoping he talked to you before he left.”

Shela shook her head. “No word from him.” She must have sensed the disappointment in Hange’s face because only a second later, she continued. “But maybe going home would be good for him. He might find someone to talk to there.” Her tone was cold, disconnected and it didn’t look like she believed it herself though.

“I know you would tell him to write, he told me that much about your sessions. But did he ever tell you about his stories?”

“Commander Zoe and Captain Levi?”

Hange nodded. “Oh, he did. You see, I wanted to talk to you about that. But I don’t know either whether or not I should be talking to his therapist about this...But I’m worried.”

“Why?”

“He deleted the file.”

If Shela was shocked, she didn’t show it. The only hint to any emotion in the room had been the short silence that followed. “I suspected he’d do that much,” she said.

“Suspect that much? Did he tell you something? Was there something wrong with his writing? Is he okay?”

Shela shook her head. “ I’m not in a place to tell.”

“Why did he get so attached to his stories? Why did it affect him so much that he couldn’t even accept a death?”

“I’m sorry Hange, I don’t wanna waste your time here so I’ll be upfront with you. What Levi and I talk about here stays between us.”

“I respect that.” Hange expected the answer, still she kept her tone long and drawn. She still found herself clinging to some hope that there was something Shela could share.. “I want to know though… Is this because of the injury? He lost a lot because of that and I know I was somehow involved with it but I just can’t shake off this feeling of guilt. ”

Shela sighed. “You know, I may not be able to tell you what we talked about. But I’m sure you know more about this than I do. You might even be able to contribute more insights to this discussion than I can,” she said. “Tell me Hange, what went on after our last therapy session. Did he really have finals?”

“Yes we did. I was busy too so I didn’t think too much of it then but the weeks leading up to finals are usually more hectic for any student….”

“Would you know if he still continued to write after the finals?”

“He did.”

“You seem sure.”

“He shared the document.” Hange started. She unlocked her phone and opened her drive document. It wouldn’t be there, she was sure of that but she could have saved it and it would have still been there. She forced a smile as her mouth threatened to curl down. Hange was still scolding herself for wasting such an opportunity. She let her phone fall carelessly on the coffee table in front of her and leaned back on the sofa. “So I got to read it.”

“Did Captain Levi really die?” Shela asked.

“No. Commander Hange did.”

“So before he deleted it, Commander Hange died?”

“That was the last chapter I read. Then an hour or so later, I confronted him about it, he asked me to leave me alone, then the next thing I know he deleted the file.” Hange leaned her head back on the backrest and stared up at the ceiling. “But you know, he didn’t want to believe that Hange died. She burned alive, he described it so vividly in his writing but he kept telling me, she didn’t die.

“Oh?”

“If someone burned alive, they should be dead right? Maybe there was a sequel to it that he just didn’t write yet.”

“But if Hange were alive, wouldn’t Levi have seen it through instead of doing something so rash as to delete the whole thing? Levi has a tendency of…”

Running away? Not processing things? Hange looked back at Shela and nodded slowly.

Shela seemed distracted. She was staring at something upward, mumbling to herself as if finding the right words to say. “Trying not to regret things,” she added a few seconds later.

“Regret… I noticed that. With the jumping and the injury but I wanted to ask you, if you think the story is somehow connected to how he’s processing his injury.”

“I have theories but they’re not mine to tell. Have you asked Levi yourself?”

Hange was almost tempted to laugh. That seemed like the only way her body knew how to process the last week alone in the dorm. She had sent three texts, a question about when he had gone home, a birthday greeting and a New Year’s greeting. “I don’t think he wants to talk to me anymore,” Hange said. She avoided Shela’s gaze. Somehow, her heart was racing then, her blood was rushing to her face much faster than usual and she found herself curling her fists into a ball, finding some semblance of control in them. Was she ashamed that Levi wasn’t talking to her? She shook her head. “But you know, I can try to talk to Levi.”

“What about this… I’ll contact Levi when he comes back. I’ll try to get his side of what’s been happening. Maybe I can even get him to reply.”

“Are you sure you can’t tell me anything now? Maybe even something vague. I can try to figure the rest out for myself,” Hange said. She couldn’t tell then if she had raised her voice.

Shela didn’t seem shaken at all. She shook her head again. “This is between me and my patients.”

Hange had integrity, she understood confidentiality clauses. She had been researching all her life though, and that side of her still continued to fight. Maybe if the hints weren’t all there, poking at her, just provoking, she would have given up much more easily “I just wanna understand it, I wanna understand him. Even if we don’t talk after this. Even if Levi wants to end this, you know I’m fine. I just wanna figure out for myself why he acted that way. I’m worried.”

Shela cocked her head to the side, her expression unchanging. “Believe me, I’m worried too but I can’t say much. Levi’s my patient and whatever we talk about in this room is between us.” She pushed the two binders on the table towards Hange and continued. “But I don’t want to leave you empty handed. I wrote two pieces for my dissertation which you might find useful, something personal and something professional, I can send over a copy of both of them to you over email. Or if you want a hard copy, you could have this photocopied in the library nearby. What do you think works for you?”

The digression had Hange’s lips trembling then. Shela knew things she didn’t for sure and Hange found herself tempted to even curse silently at that confidentiality clause.

She opened the cover to find the title page in black ink, in one of the most readable fonts.

Signs that suggest the reality of reincarnation and its manifestations in patients.

You got what you wanted. Hange thought to herself as she scanned the title page of the document in front of her. It was a cold and professional title. The researcher inside her should have been satisfied. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t ungrateful either. “Thank you, I’ll make sure to read it,” she said. It was still help anyway.

Another, much thinner book was pushed next to it.

Musings on a Past Life: Written by Kuchel Ackerman

“This is my own personal copy,” Shela explained. “It’s not something you should be emulating when doing research but… I thought it could give you some insight to your thesis.

“Okay, if I have some extra time, I’ll---”

No actually, let’s make this your little homework. I want you to read both pieces. And if you get a chance to talk to Levi again…”

Shela probably said something after that. At that point though, Hange was somewhere else. She had pulled the thinner document towards her and propped it on her lap, and scanned through it. She only had to read through the first paragraph on one of the final pages to understand why it wouldn’t have passed up as anything academic.

She wasn’t rattling off procedures, scientific speculations or statistical procedures. She was painting pictures of dark streets, cramped streets and a shabby one bedroom alone with a baby. She spoke of soft skin, a baby scent that never faded and illness. She reflected on loss, regret all manifesting in that last face she saw before she fell asleep for the final time.

A teary eyed face. A shaken voice begging at her not to fall asleep. And then nothing.

Maybe there was darkness, darker than the ceiling of the underground, darker than the room that had been hers and her child.

That was left to mercy of  Hange’s speculation.

It was only when she was alone in the dorm, two days after, did she reopen it. It had taken her more time than necessary to finish it and maybe it had been because she had ended up rereading whole paragraphs, flipping pages back more times than she could count.

And it was only then, after finishing that personal file did she feel compelled enough to read the official output.

She opened a page, towards an introduction, a foreword or a message. Possibly all of those at once. But it connected so seamlessly to Kuchel’s own musings.

A False Bottom.

All humans feel. Even when they say they don’t, they feel something.

Human psyche is an endless blackhole of emotions, knowledge and experiences….

There are still things psychologists cannot comprehend about the human psyche. All we can do is endeavor to make sense of it…

With this thesis, the researcher proposes that one possible explanation for unpredictable bouts of emotion, out-of-character decisions, the phenomena of irrationality is the phenomena of reincarnation…

Manifestations of our past life.

“And maybe there are emotions that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life.. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it manifests itself.”

And how many times did Hange allow those words to echo inside her as she sifted through page after page. Enough times at least to have her open a blank document.

As she soon found out, it wasn’t easy at all to embrace the blank document. She was completely aware she didn’t have to open the blank document, she had a half filled one already, having started on her own thesis a while back.

But something had willed her to do just that. Something inside her that wanted answers to questions, and it begged for them,  clamored for them and Hange was starting to forget who even asked it. She? Or Kuchel?

Musings of a Past Life. Hange had typed out the title days ago already. Maybe it wasn’t easy because it wasn’t her past life to write. It was Levi’s past.

Or so that was what Levi claimed when he wrote it. “Ugh…. What the hell am I doing?” Hange removed her headphones, closed her eyes tight, inhaled then exhaled. “Okay Hange. You wanted to write this thesis for Levi right? You read his whole story. This should be easy.”

She just needed to write enough to remember his story. Enough to at least shoehorn him into her own thesis.

“And after that, you never have to think about him again,” Hange said. She opened her phone again and stared at the last sent message.

January 3 6:21 AM

Wanna talk when you get back?

“I wonder…. Did you talk to Shela?” Hange asked quietly, almost to herself. But Shela would have told her right? But what if Levi told her not to tell? What if he just wanted to cut it off already?

It was an idea Hange didn’t want to entertain just yet. Thesis was looming, graduation was hanging over her head like some sort of dark cloud. She didn’t have time to deal with heartbreak.

So in the wee hours of morning, Hange composed a quick last message to Levi.

January 5 2:23 AM

Hey, I’m sorry about everything. I should have been more sensitive to your needs. Even if you don’t wanna meet after this, it’s fine. I had a great time working with you and I’ll remember these past few months :D. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

Just assure me please. Did you get to talk to someone? I hope you did. I was just concerned. But it doesn’t matter too much now. As long as you’re okay.

And the next few actions after that were automatic.

Settings. Profile. Ignore Messages.

She had more important things to think about then. She had to admit, her inbox was starting to look a bit better without that thread she was constantly checking that had a string of messages that had been so pathetically ignored.

That last decision and the last few actions leading up to it had sapped more energy from Hange than she had expected it to. Or maybe it was the dim light of the early morning and the small yet strong light of her lamp that had her realizing how exhausted she had been then.

She switched off the lamp and fell back on the bed. The impact had shaken her to the bone and Hange found herself sinking into the mattress. She was happy to let it swallow her then.

The night was surprisingly bright. Yet, at the same time it had been a dark night, she was sure. She traced the sources of the light on the ceiling above. The light painted triangles, squares and straight cut angles. There were spots from other sources, maybe where the moon bounced on some glass objects.

Hange was too exhausted to sit up to see those refractions for herself.

She may have been too exhausted then to type in front of a computer or even sit up in bed so instead, she continued to count spots, trace the dim weak rays in the ceiling of her room, as she traced them back to the wide window, all the way to the point where she would have to crane her head to see what lay beyond. She soon realized, she still wasn’t tired enough to doze off.

The gears in her brain continued to turn. And they had only started to turn faster with all the intricate patterns the moonlight had created as it shone through the wide window of her dormitory room.

Should she close the curtains so she could get a good night's sleep? That question only occupied her for a second or so before she thought of something else.

And maybe there are sensations that transcend our worldly experiences. Maybe there are emotions that transcend the constraints of time, place and life. It’s just a matter of believing that false bottom exists and embracing it when it breaks open.

But if these emotions transcended worldly experiences, if they transcended life, then they should be unfathomable, not worth the effort of understanding.

Hange though, had been a researcher for as long as she could remember. She had mottos. She had habits. She had unshakable ways of thinking.

Turning to her side was easy. It was a quick, comfortable movement and maybe she had done it to sleep better. Or maybe she had done it to just get a better angle of the stream of moonlight that entered through the window.

Her desk sat on a familiar angle. Her laptop was open but turned off. Her bag slung over the chair.

The stream from the moonlight shone over her canvas bag and down to the floor. It created a web of intricate patterns, patterns that had Hange hypnotized at that moment. They were angular yet they were round and it would have taken hours for Hange to trace them in her exhausted state.

Yet they were hypnotizing enough for her not to want to look away. So in an effort to keep up with the challenge the moonlight had given her at that moment, she continued to reflect as she traced at it with her eyes.

False bottoms. Sensations that transcend worldly experiences, Emotions that transcend the constraints of time and space.

“But if they are things that transcend human comprehension, then how do we make sense of them?”

Ironically, it had been in the most intricate of patterns that Hange saw the answer. It had been in something so mundane that Hange had to blink twice and question it for a second longer.

“Dreams?” Hange asked, barely a whisper.

If there’s something you don’t understand, go out and learn to understand it.

She didn’t understand Levi’s dreams. She didn’t understand how his mind worked. She didn’t understand the stories he had written out.

There were things she didn’t understand for sure but there were things she remembered.

And maybe all she needed to understand something, was the right amount of hints, the right amount of crumbs to make sense of it herself. Maybe all she needed was the review of related literature, the observations and her own analysis to write a conclusion.

The dreamcatcher hung aimlessly from her canvas bag like it always did. It had been something almost unnoticeable before. Only in the night when the moon shined on it, when it had etched a large shadow on the floor, possibly even a hundred times larger than the small keychain in her bag did Hange think about it again.

And she thought about it hard enough to reach for it from the side off her bed. She stretched her hand farther and farther and in the dark, her sense of distance may have been a little worse.

She thought she had been almost there and she was pulled back into that cruel reality in a single moment, with a loud painful thud.

“Ow!” Hange quickly got up, a result of that adrenaline rush from the harrowing experience of a painful fall from her bed. She unfastened the dream catcher from her bag, on the way back to the bed, she grabbed her phone, her earphones and sat on her bed.

That time, she eased herself onto the bed and under the covers.

She held the dreamcatcher above her, tracing the purple, the green. She knew they were purple and green but under the moonlight they seemed almost blue, and maybe she could have even mistaken the purple and green for one another.

Her only hint to the shades after all were the way they reflected the moonlight on themselves.

Eventually, her arms got tired, still aching from that painful fall. She slipped the dream catcher under her pillow and turned on her side. She put one earphone on her left ear, another on her right and she turned on her phone and shuffled her music.

The dormitory was silent with everyone gone for the holidays.

Eerily silent. She was used to living alone, it wasn’t anything new. But recently, she had frequently found herself missing him, maybe missing her parents, she started to realize the silence, the isolation that came with it was almost unbearable.

So maybe she had been listening to music, maybe she had been talking to herself a little more.

And those dreams, they probably would help. Hange thought to herself as she set her phone to her side, a good distance from the edge of the bed.

She had dreamt enough to know, she couldn’t control dreams. But if they did come, they would come in hints, puzzle pieces and maybe something she could easily write down in the morning.

So she willed them to come in that silent night. She whispered to Commander Zoe. She pressed that dream catcher one more time.

Hange closed her eyes, adjusted the volume of the music and evened her breathing.

The dreams would choose when to come, if they chose to come at all. All she could do was trust in them.

***

Levi would have liked to blame the snow for his inability to concentrate.

It was fucking loud. The patter came too randomly, Levi struggled to find patterns in it. For a few seconds at a time, the snow would patter on the window in big loud waves. Other times, the snow came in plip plops reminiscent of a rainy spring day. A few times, it shifted to something slow and gentle Levi could have used it to lull himself to sleep.

It was a piece of music on rubato, and the musician was just a little too keen on leaving his audience unhinged.

And just that quick thought at least absolved Levi of any blame. He didn’t feel too much self loathing then. Just utter frustration and maybe a pinch of sadness.

The document in front of him was just a mish mash black words on white paper and for the life of him, he couldn’t imagine they could be anything else. The top section was descriptive, very descriptive that he should have been able to do so much as to smell the whore house. He should have been able to grieve the loss of a mother.

But it was just black on white.

So Levi scrolled down three pages to find a source of investment elsewhere. He found vivid descriptions of life on a wheelchair, a frequented grave but for the life of him, he couldn’t even imagine the large tree above, or the vivid descriptions of airplanes on the blue sky.

But it was just words on paper.

“What do you think?” Hange asked. She looked at him expectantly. “It’s not a lot… I’ve just been working on this in between my thesis and I don’t have much going for me but my own memories… But I rewrote some bullet points while I was trying to remember it and I just thought you know if I put my own writings in between what you have so far...maybe it could help you process it.”

“Process... it?”

“But if you don’t wanna think about it, it’s fine.”

Remember? Levi wanted to remember. Those weren’t black pixels on white pixels, conveniently strung together to make symbols. They were vivid descriptions of another world, another life for sure. But why couldn’t he bring himself to invest in it… Anymore?

“Maybe I just need a break,” Levi set aside the laptop on the side table and leaned back on the bed.

“You’re tired, injured. You could even get sick,” Hange said. “I don’t expect you to think too much of it, I just thought it would help pass the time.” She looked away guiltily.

“I’m not angry about you forcing me to get my knee checked again. Jumping in the dead of winter with a sprained knee was a stupid move.”

“I know it was. But I also know you’re probably tired of hospitals already.”

“I am tired of hospitals. But you were right. When they tested my knee, it didn’t feel right. I’m pretty sure I tore something again.”

“It was swelling… And I knew we could have just iced it but, you know you jumped pretty high, you ran pretty fast, it’s kinda scary you did that with your knee... In the middle of winter of all times of the year? God---Levi, What were you thinking? Armin told me he’d stop by the field to pick up Mikasa’s things so you know if I didn’t go out to meet him just in case he got lost, I probably wouldn’t have made it. At least Armin had half the mind to text me when you wouldn’t listen to him…” Hange trailed off. “But I wish I had arrived earlier, maybe I could have stopped you.”

“You wouldn’t have convinced me not to jump,” Levi said.

“Why do you say that?”

“No one would have convinced me. I was dead set on jumping that one last time.”

“Why did you wanna jump?”

“Closure.” It was a simple answer to a simple question. But as Levi enunciated each syllable, he became a little self conscious about how pretentiously short that answer had been. It was closure, he was sure but there were layers to that answer he couldn’t comprehend for himself in that moment.

Hange seemed to sense it too. She narrowed her eyes at him and opened her mouth ready to speak before she closed it again and let her eyes fall on the hospital bed. “Couldn’t you find closure elsewhere? Did you have to risk your knee for it?”

“What do you know? ” Levi ran his eyes over his thighs and up to his knee propped on a few pillows. He started to feel the beginnings of guilt a second later. His intention never was to offend.

What do you know? That question had been for him.

You didn’t live your whole college life jumping only to end up in a state where you can barely walk. Was that what Hange heard? Maybe. She looked like she did. After all, she was blushing then. As if she had been aware of that slight vulnerability, she bit her lip, looked away and stretched out over the side of the bed to get back her laptop.

Levi felt obligated to reassure her. “You know I don’t intend to jump again. I wish I could. But I think that last jump helped me accept that that part of my life is over.”

“So, what next?” Hange asked. “Erwin mentioned you could get surgery to fix the partial tear.”

Levi shook his head. “And skip more school then hope I can jump again? The surgery isn't necessary. The knee can heal on its own.”

“But what about other---”

“Jumping opportunities? Other athletic opportunities? I said, that part of my life is over.”

“You had a lot of talent you know.”

“You’re not the first person to say that.”

Hange managed a smile, a smile that was far from happy. But at the least, it could be contagious. “Then it was an honor to see you fly that one last time Captain Levi.”

Levi could have sworn he saw something glisten as she crinkled her eyes, a supplement to her wry smile. “I was never the captain of my team. You know that,” he said.

“That wasn’t what I meant---” Hange had been meaning to finish, or at least she looked like it. The knock on the door though had been loud and it tore through that soft conversation.

Hange stood up from her seat and opened the door slowly.

“Erwin told me you too would be here. I finished up early today so I thought I’d pop in.”

Levi nodded in greeting. He had been too ashamed to say anything else. But he was determined at least to show some respect.

“It looks like you two are talking again. Doctor Erwin told me what happened and I thought…” The moment Kuchel made eye contact with Levi, her eyes widened. “Levi… You…”

Levi found himself particularly self conscious then, he looked down at his thick sweater, at his knee. “I sprained my knee again.”

Kuchel was quick to recover. “I noticed that much,” she said. “I was talking about…” She gave him a long awkward onceover. She shook her head.

She wasn’t the only one who seemed uncomfortable then. Hange hadn’t looked back at him since Kuchel had entered the room. Her whole disposition had somehow changed in that few seconds.

“You okay?” Levi asked.

Hange didn’t answer. She booted her laptop again and angled it towards Kuchel who had approached them and set a chair next to his bed.

“It looks like you managed to let go already Captain Levi.” Kuchel said, as she cocked her head to the side and smiled.

Captain Levi. The words whispered once again inside him, too softly Levi found it easy to brush it away. “You know, you were right. The emotions would leave on their own. It still hurts but I don’t see any reason to fight it if I know it’s gonna heal eventually. That’s how closure is supposed to feel like right?”

Shela shook her head. “Closure manifests differently for each person. But it’s normal to forget when you accept. Sometimes we find ourselves forgetting why we were ever sad at all. Or sometimes we just forget the details. Or sometimes it just feels like everything was all just a bad dream.”

“These past few months since the injury, they’re starting to blur together like some dream.” He turned to Hange who was starting to seem more and more uncomfortable. He chose that moment to reflects and he started to wonder why he had even avoided her in the first place. His next few words came out automatically “ I’m sorry what I did, and about our fight last month, I wasn’t angry about the injury if that’s what you think,” Levi said. The apology came out of nowhere, it felt misplaced. He started realize that maybe he should have given that apology much earlier.

Why then?

Hange had heard the apology for sure, but maybe she had just chosen to ignore it. “But Levi, you wrote these right? These dreams?” Hange said, as if she had taken his stare then as some cue to speak. She turned to Kuchel and to Levi, her movements seemed desperate then. She had at least kept some composure in her expression.

“I wrote them out,” Levi said. “But to be honest... I’m starting to forget why I did.”

"Emotions and dreams fickle things. They come and go when they please but sometimes we wanna keep them on record so we could relive it and process it. That’s why if you wanna grasp it and preserve it before it leaves... If you wanna be able to relive it, you have to write it down. This is why I ask all my patients to write things out. "

"Levi did." Hange turned to Levi. You wrote everything down right? You showed me a while ago, you wrote this and this… Shela, if they were his dreams, his emotions...he was writing it"

Shela’s expression was unmoving. "Those dreams weren’t supposed to be his. Maybe that's why they had been just a little more fickle. Who knows? Maybe Captain Levi just took it back already.”

“Why take it back?” Hange asked

“Maybe he fulfilled his unfinished business. Maybe he found closure.”

“But Levi you should have remembered writing it? You’ve been on it for months. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten these last three months right?”

“I haven’t,” Levi said reassuringly.

“Then why aren’t you thinking about it anymore. Why am I the one thinking about it for you?” Hange pressed. There was a crack in her voice and Hange looked ready to slam her laptop on the floor.

“I remember writing it. I’m just wondering for myself why I wrote it out in the first place. Maybe because I didn’t have much to do. I got injured, I was stuck at home and you know, those days in your apartment, those days stuck in the dorm, they just blended together.”

“But you weren’t just indoors… We went out to the mountains. You were telling me these stories and you were telling me how Commander Hange was like. Levi, I felt things. I remembered all of it. You can’t just leave me hanging like this---”

Shela cleared her throat, uncharacteristically louder than usual. “You know, you seem more relaxed now. How does it feel Levi? Does it feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders? Like you walk up from a bad dream?"

Levi nodded. "I'm just wondering why I'm exhausted."

“Of course you’re exhausted, you jumped while injured in the middle of winter. But relaxed is still a different feeling altogether, particularly compared to you the past few months. When I look at you now, you seem… freer?”

Freer? Levi shrugged. When had he ever been trapped?  

For a while the room had been silent and it was Hange who broke it. "Levi, I wrote everything out, about what happened to Captain Levi in the survey corps. You may have deleted the file but I remembered them. These were your stories. These were the dreams you had. Hell, if Kuchel’s theory is correct, these are memories from your past life."

To humor Hange more than anything, Levi reread the bullet points and the effort quickly proved futile. They were bullet points of events, they could have been a timeline that Levi couldn’t for the life of him make sense of it. And he found himself a little annoyed at her tenacity.

“You still have a lot to write Hange, even I can’t make sense of it,” Kuchel said from behind. She gave Hange a reassuring pat.

The pout on Hange’s face, the way it had darkened into something similar to disappointment, had Levi almost guilty. Her emotions ran deeper than disappointment, he was sure. And for a second or so, Hange seemed crestfallen, ready to leave the room. The only thing tying her to the room then could have been her own strong penchant for seeking answers,

“You think you’ll be able to write again?” Hange asked. She looked like she could have said more. It was as if squeezing out that one sentence had sapped all energy out of her.

Levi shrugged. “Maybe I will.”

“When?”

“When the inspiration comes again.”

***

When will the inspiration come again? Hange always asked good questions and if she asked a question that couldn’t be answered, she always had an explanation to follow. Or at the least, she knew how to phrase questions in a way that could get answers.

Levi couldn’t answer and Hange wasn't helping him either. The tense silence that followed, loomed exclusively over the two of them. Although the conversation had shifted to a dialogue between Levi and Kuchel, even when Hange had kept quiet, pulling her focus back on her laptop in front of her, or her phone, the tension never left.

Levi had attempted to cut at it by focusing on Kuchel. He had provided a long drawn out explanation of his own emotions for Kuchel and in return, Kuchel had provided a long drawn out interpretation of his explanations.

Maybe drawing the conversation out longer than expected was unnecessary. In the end, the only take home Levi had for himself then was that the past few months were a blur and any effort to make sense of it would be completely futile.

Kuchel left them both in the silence, mentioning something about another meeting. Alone in the room, in the tense silence continued to haunt. It was Hange who spoke up again asking that same question. “When will inspiration come again?”

“You sound pretty fixated on my inspiration. Maybe you should write the end for yourself then.” The sudden acceptance had Levi relaxing on the bed soon after Kuchel had left the room.

“It’s not about writing… This story in particular, it meant a lot to me too.”

“I’m sure it meant a lot. It meant a lot to me too but weirdly, I just don’t care about it as much as I used to.”

“What about us?”

“What do you mean ‘about us?’”

“About us… The past few things you were writing the story and you were talking about Commander Hange and Captain Levi. That was about us right?”

“You heard my answer to Kuchel, it was a blur.”

“No, I meant about us in the past few months. Are you angry with me? Do you want me out of your life?”

“You wanna leave?.”

“No it’s not that. It’s just…” Hange breathed out, shaking her head in disbelief. “You didn’t talk to me for weeks.”

Levi looked away, hiding the wince in his face. “I told you, I’m sorry I don’t even remember why I did it.”

“So do you want me here?”

“Yes, I don't want you to leave, I thought it was obvious.”

“Well it looks like it wasn’t so obvious, I thought you’d want me to leave. You didn’t reply to any of my messages and I remembered, we’ve only known each other for months.”

“I think 'months' are more than enough for me to realize that I want you here. For a long time. Maybe longer than that.” Maybe even forever.

Did he say that ‘forever’ part out loud? He didn’t expect Hange’s smile then.

Her eyes were wide open, her lips curled up into a big smile. The overall expression on her face had seemed unreadable. She could have been mocking him, she could have been freaked out or she could have been that good balance between surprised and happy “So what are you saying? We’re soulmates?” She asked.

“You don’t believe in soulmates,” Levi said. The facade of disconnect was hurriedly done, consequently, it felt almost shoddy.

“Fate?”

“You told me yourself, you don’t believe in fate either.

“I don’t.”

“It was a choice right? Everything that brought us to this point was all just borne of choice. You made the choice to work for me, I made the choice to cooperate and here we are.” Levi felt a hand slip under his and it grabbed him from underneath. Levi didn’t have to look down to comprehend it, Hange’s face had said it all.

“But you know, I’m starting to believe in this abstract thing called soulmates. And this other abstract thing called fate,” she said

“Aren’t you a researcher?”

“I have the evidence, Levi. Someone has been coming into my dreams too and she’s been telling me about you.”

“You know, they must have been some really good dreams if they convinced you to believe in them.

“They were. They really were. And you know what, they only keep coming.”

Levi had closed his eyes long before then. And the patter on the window had mellowed to something rhythmic and along the way it had softened altogether. Whether it had been due to the even patter or through her own volition, Hange had stopped talking, her breath had evened out.

And when Levi started to dream again, the shift had been too gradual, too kind. The dreams weren’t loud, they didn't demand attention. They didn’t make themselves known. When Levi opened his eyes again, the idea that he had fallen asleep had seemed almost surreal, unbelievable.

“You can go back to sleep,” Hange said. She seemed focused on something on her laptop again.

Levi looked out the window, the sky was dark but the snow continued to fall.

“Erwin told us we could stay another night.”

“Why?”

“We’re completely snowed in.”

“Okay,” Levi said. He had attempted to go back to sleep and it had only proved frustratingly unsuccessful. The confusion at having the view by the window so suddenly shift from sky blue to complete black still had him disoriented.

So he found orientation in Hange’s concentrated look then and the white of the screen reflected in her glasses. Even behind the glare, her long lashes were noticeable, her hazel brown eyes could still be traced, the shades of brown discerned. So he continued to looked, and he had managed to pass the time much more quickly.

“How are you feeling?” Hange asked as she looked up at him. The glare of the screen disappeared from her glasses and Levi found himself unable to respond for a second longer as he appreciated the unmarred view of her eyes then.

It was a lucid view of her then that sent a pang of regret through him. It was quick and if Levi didn’t let it wash through him then, if he didn’t give it full control over him in that moment, maybe he would have never remembered it happened, maybe he would have never remembered to appreciate Hange then.

“I feel like I just had one long dream,” Levi said. maybe the dreams could have explained the slight pang of regret then. But they were too far off already for Levi to look back on. So he surrendered quickly and kept silent.

Hange didn’t hesitate to take the reins of the conversation. “I was writing.”

“About what?”

“About your dreams. I'm trying to remember what else you wrote.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t think you ever gave names to the two titans you caught for me."

Titans? Levi couldn't follow the conversation. With nothing else much to contribute, he nodded.

Hange continued. “So I named them myself.”

“What did you name them?” Levi asked, an attempt to humor her more than anything.

Hange’s face had curled to a smile as she spoke and she opened her mouth a little bit, exposing her teeth underneath. She seemed to be enjoying it. “Their names are Sonny and Bean"

Somehow, Levi was starting to get invested too. “Hey Hange, since we’re gonna be stuck here for a while, maybe you can tell me what a titan is.”

[inked-out-trees]

⭐ for The Keep Going Song? Thanks! :)

(anh i would die for you)

Thank you for asking! I am going to be talking about the whole thing because it's fun, and because there's not really many ~secrets~ within the text to ramble about, just little fun snippets!

I'll do it under a cut because I will definitely ramble. Woohoo!

I came across The Keep Going Song (the song) after my Lookout 3 Companion Playlist (& my spotify discovery) introduced me to the Bengsons. The effect was almost instantaneous - it's the kind of warmth I try to encompass in everything I do, and for the next few days I had it on repeat as I worked. This was around the time I was finishing my Lookout script, and I had been toying with the idea of writing a Cornleyverse fic after absolutely devouring all 10 fics in the tag. What I knew was that I wanted it to be sweet, I wanted it to pull them all together, and I wanted it to be a progression. Despite only having seen the Goes Wrong Show, jumping into the fandom made me want to dimensionalize these characters and give them a story beyond everything that had already occured.

I also watched Christmas Carol before / during the writing process, but to date I have not watched Peter Pan or the full-length TPTGW. My prior knowledge comes from Wikipedia, the delightul amateur TPTGW production on YouTube, a friend's excellent transcription of the Haversham Manor script, and tumblr meta analysis. I think I did a reasonable enough job pretending I knew what I was doing.

Let's get going!

I knew off the top that it was going to be vignettes - they would give me room to spread the story over the long period of time it takes for a group of people to grow into something resembling a family. Like I said in the original author's note, there was supposed to be more of the early, snippy days - but I got so focused on making them kinder that I found I couldn't properly write a fight. In hindsight, it probably would have been easier if I tried writing that first, but, well. Once I realized that it was too late. The alphabet idea came later, once I had them all finished: I wanted to organize them somehow, but numbers felt too open, too infinite - closing the story on an organizational endpoint was just really satisfying.

a - Every good story needs a good beginning.

c - Starting with the end of Peter Pan is my sneaky way of slipping past the fact that I haven't seen the earlier shows! The Max and Sandra storyline is just so sweet, and I wanted to let it exist a little bit in between our jump from Peter Pan to Christmas Carol. This vignette came so easily when I wrote it and I love love love the feelings and the tentativity about the whole thing.

f - This was actually the last vignette I wrote. I realized I needed some front-end padding because otherwise my angst plot came rather abruptly, and what better way? At this point, too, I was trying to bring in POVs from each one of our characters, and when deciding on Trevor's POV I thought the exasperation-excitement combination would be an excellent choice. It turns out Trevor is my favourite to write, mostly because I can find his voice a lot easier than some of the others - and probably also because I hold a lot of fondness and nostalgia for stage crew work. Also, I wrote most of this one on a long evening walk in the notes app on my phone. Fun fact.

h - I did my original idea slam in a draft tumblr post, and this one just says "birthday party but one without all the drama of christmas carol". And what do you know, that's exactly what it is! I definitely took the birthday party (in CCGW as well as in this fic) as a kind of proof that they really do like each other, if they're doing things like this and if they want to do things like this - and that theme of okay, they want to be here formed the basis for this part. I think it's exceptionally sweet that Dennis came looking for friends and ended up finding, well, something. And I popped in a little MMNI reference with "one of the Janines" - Backwards Janine? Frontwards Janine? Original Janine? Who knows! It's one of them!

l - The thing about this plot is that it's actually one of the first ideas I had when dreaming up this fic, and I couldn't quite let it go. The point was, what if I somehow split them up? How can they get on when half the society is out of commission? And the most reasonable way I could find to actually get half of them out of commission was the car accident. To be honest, this one is mostly filler - it's also the second vignette I wrote, and it found its birth in the email drafts of my work laptop.

m - Trying to map out this little plotline without overdoing it might have been the most difficult part of this fic, and I'm still not 100% sure I succeeded. This is our explanation for the unease from the vignette above, and it took me 3 rewrites before I finally found something that settled in my brain. "Dennis gets chased by a goose" might be one of my favourite lines in the fic though.

Also, putting these letters right next to each other made me feel really clever for no reason.

n - My Jonathan perspective also took a few stutter-steps in its beginning, but this one ultimately came from the promo video's reveal that Robert and Dennis live together, and me playing with the continual idea of the remaining cast members being rather unmoored in their injured castmates' absence. Robert in particular because I love his character and I love making him Feel Things(TM) (fun hint: this will also be a small theme in the new cpds fic I have in the works!) and I want to see so much from this odd relationship between him and Dennis. Obviously they have to tolerate each other if they are willingly roommates - how far can I go with that? I love how this one turned out.

o - All I have to say about this one is that I still really love the sweetness between these two, and they deserve the world. Also, at some point during writing this I was really caught up with how striking Dave's face silhouette is (don't ask) so that ended up making it in somehow.

q - Girls' Night is SO important to me. After all the work they've done to make these gals friends I needed to capture it, and a pleasant night in just made a lot of sense. This one is the home of a few of my headcanons - Annie has a chef roommate and Max does a lot of the cooking, thus the "neither of us are the usual household cooks" comments, and I also think they're at the point where they can joke about their previous failures (especially with these three together) so the nod to A Trial To Watch (my favourite gws episode) was so fun. Also, Waking Ned really is a silly pick-me-up of a movie - would recommend. Special thanks to CBC for giving us Canadians quality British TV alongside our occasionally questionable homegrown programming.

r - It wouldn't be a fic about progress and growth with this crew without a disheartening moment turned into gold. I wrote this one while barbecuing, another fun fact, and no joke the hardest part was figuring out what to name the play they were doing. I kept pace with the whole "Jonathan can't get onscreen" gag, which was personally hilarious and made me cackle as I wrote it, and the rest of it just felt good. I will always have a soft spot for comfort and reassurance in a story and getting to write it has just been an absolute delight.

t - This was one of my other unplanned vignettes. It was originally to fill out Robert's POV, but also to express a bit of how things have changed in Chris's attitude towards his cast - if there's one thing I would change from Mischief's characerisation thus far, it's this brand of almost-kindness that I consistently need to write him with. It takes the aftermath of the car accident and uses it to kind of make him understand - this is a valuable group of people and I don't want to lose it. But of course he's not the type of person to actually express that in any way, so I thought the frenetic hovering was a good way to get the point across. As well, the kind-of-bonding between Chris and Robert - the two of them are such powerhouses of insistent personality that conflict so easily but they've also got a more secret kind of friendship that deserves to be explored a little more. I really like this vignette and how it ended up portraying how they are around each other, how they really do know each other, especially when they're not fighting. Makes me soft.

w - This is the first vignette I wrote! I honestly didn't realize until writing this just how much I identify with Annie - best of both worlds re. crew and cast, a bit of tenacity regarding getting through things, overall personality - I just love her so so much. She also seems like the most sensible of the cast, so the collective "why are we really here?" moment with Trevor really spoke to me. I love their friendship, I love the kind of quiet vibe this vignette gives off - this is one of the ones I can feel most strongly, the one I can step into and exist inside. I also spent most of my old drama rehearsals and classes without shoes, so that had to make it in just by virtue of the sock brigade (me).

z - One thing I knew for sure since the inception of the fic was that it needed to end on a victory. I took the images I had of this victorious adrenaline, everyone together having a good time, kind of getting smashed, and karaoke (I really wanted the karaoke, for some reason) and went the obvious route: the wedding. Ending on Chris POV also felt so right - possibly because he's the one with the most growth in this fic - and getting to finally feel this triumph with him after all these other trials and tribulations was an absolute joy. The wedding hall, in my head, looks like the one my cousin used (it was at a zoo... my sister and I went on a night walk and heard a lot of screaming peacocks) and I definitely threw all my wistfulness, all my love for the characters I'd developed, and all my love for this fantastic fandom into this part. The incorrect lyrics that Annie sings are exactly what I think every time I hear that song, because I've never looked up the lyrics before and my brain likes to play Mad Libs with my super-questionable auditory processing. And the image of the ballroom staff getting really exasperated with them and shutting all the lights off came to me at night and is hastily scribbled on a sticky note (it's a wonder it's legible) but I still strongly believe that it's the perfect, perfect way to end. I still get the warm feelings when I reread this part, even now, after so many reads.

And, finally - our end quote is exactly what started this whole thing. What is this drama society if not a rough beginning? But the concept that we'll make it through, that we can just take a step and then another and it'll be okay because we're together... it's hard to describe just how much it means to me, to my place in the world, to the world itself. I think one of my rather consistent aims in writing, no matter what it is, is to be able to have this collective - characters that become family, people that are important to each other, this constellation to lean on - because it's all I can say for the human experience. It's probably quite a bit of wishful thinking (as I said to another friend, "I am apparently letting loose on all my repressed social feelings of the past year and shoving them into fics") and a sort of subconscious confirmation that if I write it, I can be it. So this force of understanding and kindness and ultimately good people helping each other through the world is something I can't help but include, something that means the absolute world to me.

I'm so glad to have been able to share this fic with everyone, and extra glad that it's been able to touch some people along the way. I've found such an incredible community in Mischief and coincidentally I think The Keep Going Song represents that warmth, too - the community I've been so lucky to exist inside, how we're helping each other along, step by step. What a beautiful thing to be a part of! Thank you for reading and allowing me to give you a bit of my heart. 💖💖

[imaginesbymk]

PINK + WHITE.

— chapter ten ; stained glass window.

summary: teresa’s permanent resignation from the peaky blinders leads her to a whole new chapter of working in an art museum. but little did she know her best life would be butchered some time later when her former lover tommy shelby gives her no choice but to return to the peaky blinders after they make new enemies, with the leader, of all people, being the man teresa fell in love with one night after a wedding reception back in post world war; luca changretta.

pairing: luca changretta x OC x tommy shelby

tags in this chapter: swearing + smoking

[ chapter index ]

A/N: I am sooooo sorry for the long hiatus! </3

This story is getting more views on Wattpad than here on Tumblr. I still love the show and Luca's my favourite villain, but as much as I want to discontinue this story, I want to get it out of the way because I have drafted a timeline of this story, including Teresa's and Luca's closure on their relationship. So I'm stuck in the middle on what to do???

BTW, I've come up with a headcanon for Luca's full name as Luca LaPaglia Changretta! His middle name is never revealed in the show, I just did this for the fic.

RIP Helen McCrory. You were one of my favourite stars of the show. Fly high <3. The Peaky fandom will miss you so much.

///

TERESA wasn't as religious as the next person, but she kept her respect as her heels echoed down the aisle, immediately spotting the tall man kneeling on one of the pues. His hands were folded in prayer, and he murmured what the Welsh could make out to be Italian tongue.

"Do you want to be alone?" she asks.

Luca pauses, his eyes still shut and hands still in folds. "No. I want you here."

Teresa slides over and sits next to her lover, staring at the giant crucifix behind the front podium. "How often do you pray, amore?"

Luca pauses his prayer again. "Almost every day. God and I keep in touch, y'know."

"What does he say to you?"

"He tells me to tell you to quit interrupting until I'm done talking to Him." Teresa chuckles, prompting her to let him finish. As it took another good minute for Luca to conclude his prayer, Teresa gazed at the stained glass windows on each side, casting a good light from the clouds that allowed a bit of sun for England, some of it casted its light onto Luca, like an angel on an opera stage.

Luca makes a sign of the cross, sitting back on the pue and grunting a bit from kneeling for a while. "How was lunch with Mamma?"

Teresa nodded. "It was lovely."

"Just lovely?"

"Mhm." She holds his hand. "She says your middle name is LaPaglia."

Luca hums, kissing her hand that curled with his. "C'mon, I wanna take you out with me for wine."

"Hmm... Luca LaPaglia Changretta," She said out loud, admiring the beauty of his full name slipping from her lips. "And I had wine with your mother."

"I meant wine shopping. I'm doing most of the taste tests, it's my cousin's birthday soon."

"Then shouldn't he be the one shopping for wine?" she asks.

The Italian pulls the heavy door, escorting Teresa out of the church and into the chauffeur. "He counts on me, I'm better at choosing wine and gin these days."

"ARTHUR, quit pacing. You'll burn your legs out."

"Where the fuck is she?" Arthur grunts. "Eh? Tom, you're really in it for this one. The fuckin' Welsh is not gonna live up to a fuckin' promise."

"You stop that, she's on her way," Tommy takes a sip of his drink.

A split-second passes as the maid knocks on the heavy office door. "Mr. Shelby?" the feminine voice calls softly. "Miss Griffith is here to see you."

Tommy gives a smug look to Arthur and Polly. "Yes. Send her in," he says. They waited for the woman to walk in, kind of wishing for Tommy to immediately scold her once she stepped foot into his office, but Tommy wasn't up to waste that much energy.

Arthur was the one to step in and do so, otherwise. "What? Did you stroll around Manchester or something?"

"Sorry," Teresa frowns, her face reading she wasn't holding any joy from her day so far. "I was with Luca."

"We're all ears," Polly walked around Tommy's desk. "What's happened? Did he fuck you until you forgot how to tell time?"

"I'm assuming Finn told you?" she asks.

"That's Finn for you, Teresa," Arthur points out.

Teresa rolls her eyes. No point of getting back at him this time. Rat or not, he would never hold back a word from the family. She remembered seeing him appear at the gallery, and he wasn't going to keep a secret from Tommy.

"I invited him for a meeting at a bar...then he took me to the theatre..." Teresa trails off.

Tommy opens his cigarette pack. "Go on."

"That's all, Mr. Shelby."

"You slept with Luca Changretta, just say it."

Teresa folded her arms. "Actually, yes. But earlier events prove what I'm about to propose; I'm in."

The members of the Peaky Blinders all raised a brow, mostly Tommy's.

"You slept with Luca Changretta, I didn't expect you to actually follow up with that, I don't recall telling you to do so, either."

"I wanted to discuss his plans on taking the Penarth gallery. It's not for his dirty hands to touch."

"You wish to join because your heart was too broken to hold back?" Polly says. "Is that where we're getting at, Teresa?" The Welsh woman stared at her. This was probably the first time they had seen each other after all those years that followed from her resignation. Since the last time they spoke, Polly didn't have anything held against her, and here she is, quite disappointed that Teresa shared her heart with a man like Luca. She did quite enjoy her company and her contribution to the Peaky Blinders, even when she chose to depart from Tommy and their relationship, then came Grace Burgess. Polly just didn't want to deal with another afterwards unless it was Lizzie.

"You're doing this just to get even? Luca could care less about your feelings now."

"Teresa," Tommy sighs, nodding at his old friend. "Come back here tomorrow."

Teresa nodded and made her exit out the foot of her door.

"And come on time, please." Teresa wished she could slam the door on him, but Arthur shut it as soon as Teresa's foot took a centimeter away. She presses her ear against the wood to hear them muffling.

"Tom?" She hears Arthur speak. "We can't trust her."

Tommy clears his throat, setting down a scrap of an article he read on his desk. "She'll go back to Penarth, but we can't let her stay there. I know what's going to happen."

"What do you know?"

"Italian men will show up to the gallery."

"It's certain Teresa Griffith keeps a firearm in her drawers," Polly says.

"No," Tommy shook his head. "Not enough to take down at least five men. Luca keeps count of who he orders - who he sends. We're more careful of that, we know of that."

"We're not morons, Tommy. Now we hear from Finn that Luca and Teresa were together?"

"Teresa should give us what we need to know from Luca Changretta. She knows too much about him."

"And Luca knows too much about us," Polly slowly walks over to Tommy. "If Teresa forms an alliance, what will she do? She's already slept with him, but I doubt she got anything out of it. She's not here for the sake of helping. She wants in because she's a woman with a broken heart."

Teresa detaches herself from the door, having heard enough. One of the maids returns, noticing the guest hadn't left yet and was suspiciously eavesdropping their boss. Teresa was pulled back by the shoulder like a child, escorting her out of the foyer.

SEVERAL HOURS EARLIER, Teresa woke from the blinding sun. The silky bed sheets that covered hers and Luca's nude bodies were unmade - ruffled around. If you left the curtains open, you're more alerted. Luca never intended on waking Teresa up that way. In fact, he wasn't even lying next to her in the bed.

Luca's white dress shirt casted more brightness but his trousers were half done. He stared outside, holding his China cup of tea in one hand before looking back down at the papers sprawled across his desk.

Teresa sat up to clip on her brassiere, her accent thinned to greet in basic Italian. "Buongiorno."

He didn't respond.

She slides out of bed and approaches the desk. "Do you need me to leave soon? Though, you don't look like you're in a rush for an important meeting."

Still nothing.

"What, Luca?" This wasn't new for Luca to strangely switch up his mood. He wasn't an easy man, it's hard to impress him or to even study his emotions at times. Teresa had the feeling that Luca didn't enjoy what they had done. "Was this a mistake?"

"This was unprofessional." Luca sets his cup and coaster on his desk. "If you think something will come from this, then think again. I never should have taken you to the theatre. You were trying to let my guard down, were you?"

"No," Teresa shook her head. "I wasn't surprised that this was going to happen."

"Such a mind you carry in that blonde head of yours."

"Seeing you again felt good, Luca. I seized the opportunity to share another moment with you. I was thinking you were going to plan on coming back to Penarth indefinitely."

"Miss Griffith, did it ever occur to you that I wasn't supposed to stay here?" Luca frowns. "I'm no citizen here. America is where my heart belongs, if not America; Sicily."

"You fled to America. That was your last ditch effort to get away from the police," Teresa murmured. She folds her arms. "I understand why you had to do it."

"Then why do you hold it against me?" he asks, exhausted.

"Because I never heard from you ever since."

"I was fairly active in New York, you know?"

"I didn't know."

Luca stared at her. "That's your own problem, Miss Griffith."

"Christ, Luca. Enough with the formalities!" Teresa snaps. "I'm standing at your desk, half nude. We fucked in that bed right there!"

"Which was something we shouldn't have done," Luca began rubbing his temples. "I didn't come back here for you, all right? Porca miseria-" he cuts himself off to heave in a deep sigh. "I have to ask. All this time... you're still hung up on me?"

"Yes," Teresa says, her face paling. "Because I missed you, you bloody bastard. I couldn't reach out to you or your mother, not even the American press, to see how you were doing, or if you were kissing another woman's lips."

Luca slid his hand over to pick up the dress and shawl he placed on the side of the desk. "You need to leave now."

There was no point of convincing him anymore. All was said. Teresa knew not to vex a mafioso unarmed. If she had her handgun with her, she would have tried to pull something in a spite of anger. Would that do her a favour? Probably not. The rest of whoever's left of the Changretta family would go after her without question.

There was Tommy, though, and he's still waiting for her response back in Small Heath.

Grabbing her clothes, Teresa marches back to the bed, gets dressed and leaves the hotel room without saying a word to her former lover. Not even a curse.

[sailorgreywolf-legacy]

So....this was supposed to be an answer to a prompt. But I tried to save it to Drafts and Tumblr ate it, so I’m posting it this way instead. The prompt was “I see the way you look at him” for SpAus (requested by the lovely @enchantingtriumph )

One very important clarification: This happens before Chapter 6 of Legacy, and that scene. 

-----------------------------------------

It had been a while since Austria had visited Madrid. It was not because of a lack of enthusiasm for his husband, because looking at Spain still made his heart race. Political entanglements in the German states had made it impossible to take the time to visit. 

He had written to Spain many times asking him to make time to come to Vienna, the answer had always been the same. It had been impossible for him to leave his empire unattended, even for a trip to see his husband. It had left Austria feeling slightly bitter towards the empire as a whole. Before his explorations, Spain had time for other things, and in recent years he had seemed entirely focused on babysitting the children that he had brought back from the New World. 

Austria wasn’t sure whether he had imagined a certain new impersonal coldness in the letters. He had told himself that it was his imagination, but Spain’s letters had seemed to become more formal. 

He had decided that it was time for a visit, even if it meant leaving some things to his ministers. If Spain was growing distant, then he needed a loving embrace to remind him of the passion in their marriage.

They were sitting on a veranda with the afternoon sun providing pleasant warmth. Spain’s palace in Madrid had such beautiful spaces to enjoy the pleasant summer climate. As he contemplated Spain across the table, he wondered if he should bring up any of his thoughts about his changing tone. Perhaps it would be better to wait until they were alone together at night. It seemed like it would sour the rest of the day if he were to raise it in the moment, and he didn’t want to start on something so unpleasant. 

He picked up one of the oranges and started to peel it, and momentarily contemplated whether he should have asked a servant so that he could keep his hands clean. He glanced at Spain again and broke the silence, “I have missed you.” 

Spain had been looking at the horizon like he was expecting something. He turned his head and replied, “I’ve missed you too. It’s been far too long.” 

The words sounded sincere enough, but his eyes didn’t seem to reflect it. Austria dismissed the feeling that it was odd, because it may have just been the time and the distance. The feeling dissipated when Spain smirked and added, “I can show you how much I’ve missed you later when we go to bed. There are some things I have missed quite a lot.” 

Austria chuckled; no one else would dare to be as bold as his husband. No one else would dare to voice their desires so clearly. He responded, “Have I left you lonely?” Spain smirked and said, “Oh, very lonely. My bed has been cold.” 

Austria could feel himself blushing. He was certain that he had missed this feeling that he was desirable to his husband. Before he could respond, the silence was interrupted by the sound of hooves. 

Spain’s head turned immediately. Austria was intrigued. This must be whatever Spain had been looking for so anxiously. Austria turned his gaze curiously towards the sound. 

It lighted upon a young man who was busy dismounting, and handing his reins to a waiting groom. The first thing he noticed was that the coat the man was wearing was exceptionally rich, and had gold embroidery at the sleeves. He couldn’t help but think how expensive that must have been. 

As he looked, he also noticed that the person that Spain was busy looking at also had incredibly fit thighs. He could at least appreciate that Spain had good reason to be so distracted. 

Then, the person turned to face them, and Austria got a clear view of his face. It took a moment for him to recognize the young man who had seemingly aged several years since he had last seen him. The last time he had laid eyes on New Spain the boy had been much shorter and had still had the chubby cheeks of a child. 

Looking at him in the moment, he guessed that New Spain had aged very quickly. He looked more like a strapping young man than a child. But, once he saw his face, Austria felt ashamed for looking at his thighs the way that he had. Though he did not look like the cherubic child that Austria remembered, he was still quite young. 

Austria glanced at Spain, who had yet to tear his eyes away from his colony. As he watched, Spain silently beckoned. New Spain smiled and immediately started approaching. 

Austria peeled off a segment of orange and took a bite as he contemplated the situation. Something felt like it had changed in the years he was gone. He took stock of the moment. 

The way that Spain was looking at his colony seemed to conceal very little, and New Spain’s smile seemed to return the feelings. New Spain was absolutely beaming when he reached the table. He noticed Austria and offered him a courteous bow. At least Spain had been careful to teach his charge proper respect. 

Spain said, “Ale, come sit with us.” 

Austria glanced around, counting the chairs. There were only the two, and he certainly was not going to give up his seat for a colony.  New Spain seemed to realize the same thing, and said, “Is there space for me?” 

Spain glanced around, clearly amused. He seemed to notice the lack of chairs, but was not fazed by it. He pulled New Spain into his lap and said, “See, plenty of space.”

 Austria raised an eyebrow at how comfortably Spain did that. With a small child he would not question, but New Spain was far from being a child. And the way that Spain took hold of his waist hardly seemed familial. 

Spain continued to speak to his colony, “How is he?” 

For a moment Austria did not understand the question, until he realized that Spain was asking about the horse which the boy had apparently been putting through its paces. 

New Spain was staring at Spain as he said, “He’s quite fast, and he listens well.” Spain was looking at him with rapt attention, and had little attention for anything else. He replied, “Then it was a good present.” 

Austria looked at the boy’s face, and he noticed the distinct pink that rose in his cheeks and the way that his gaze didn’t leave Spain’s lips. New Spain answered, “I do not expect so much for my birthday every year.” 

Austria was beginning to feel distinctly like he was the unwanted third person at the table. At that moment, he understood the sudden coolness in Spain’s letters. He had not been starving for romantic attention.  

Spain put his hand on the boy’s face and said sweetly, “If you want a horse every year, I will be sure that you get it.” 

Austria tried not to imagine the expense that it would take to fulfill that promise. New Spain laughed, though the statement had not been particularly funny. Then he said with a smile, “You’re too generous.” 

He seemed to be doing his best to charm Spain, and as far as Austria could tell it was working. He took note of the way New Spain was wearing his waistcoat unbuttoned, so anyone could see his undershirt.

 Spain planted a soft kiss on his colony’s cheek and said, “Go get cleaned up for dinner.” New Spain broke their moment and looked at Austria as he said, “Should I come to dinner?” 

Austria appreciated that the boy still understood what might be too far. Spain nodded and answered, “Yes, I am expecting you to.” 

New Spain nodded like he understood. Only then did he do as he was told. He stood up and gave Austria one last glance before he walked away.

 Without a shred of shame Spain turned his head to watch the boy walk away. Austria cleared his throat and said, “You haven’t been that lonely, I see.” Spain looked at him and said, “What do you mean by that?” 

It seemed absurd that he was going to feign any ignorance after what he had just done. But Austria clarified anyway, “I am not blind. I see the way that you look at him.” 

Spain shook his head like he had any room to pretend. He said, “It isn’t what you’re thinking. I am not doing anything with him.” Austria scoffed, and countered, “But you want to. Or do all of your colonies get horses for their birthdays?” 

He saw the facade drop as Spain realized that he was caught. His demeanor shifted, and he said, “Are you going to remind me to be faithful?” 

Austria would like to say that there was no room for other lovers in their marriage, but his mind lingered on how long it had been since they had seen each other. He sighed, and resigned himself to the inevitability of some infidelity. He answered, “No, I’m not. I know that I’m not here often, and you may not want to be alone.” 

It felt bitter to say it, but he was well aware of the proper way to react to a royal mistress. Spain looked surprised to get such an accepting answer. Before he could get too pleased with the permission, Austria added, “But, if you must do something, I want you to be discreet. I do not want all of Europe to know about this.” Spain nodded and replied, “Very well.” 

Austria was dubious at how easily he took the condition, but he was not going to push. Only time would tell whether he was able to keep the promise.

[caffeinejournalist23]

Rewriting Pretty Little Liars - Part II

I didn't think my original post "Rewriting Pretty Little Liars would get as much interaction as I did (thanks btw! I'm not necessarily writing to get some kind of interaction as much as I'm writing to improve my own writing skills, but getting likes and "reblogs" helps me feel not so alone in the Tumblr community!) So, with that in mind, I thought I'd follow-up with a better fleshed-out explanation - with scenes! This post is gonna be a long one folks, so grab your popcorn and your teA, And pretend the unsAtisfying reveAl in the show never hAppened.

!! SPOILER WARNING FOR TV SHOW & BOOK PLL!!

Hate is not a vice; it's a coping mechanism. Lying is not a crime; it's a game. Mona is not a stable girl, but is her instability more excusable than the evil and torment Aria and Alison chose to exert on their supposed friends?

Allison got in deep shit with members of the N.A.T. club, along with pretty much everyone in Rosewood. The result? Mona hit Allison over the head with a shovel - and Melissa Hastings buried her. But Aria came to the rescue; Aria was planning to say goodbye to Allison before she ran away from Rosewood as Vivian Darkbloom.

"Oh my God are you kidding me?" Allison sulked, dirt staining her yellow top as she held her hands to the sore spot on her head. "Loser Mona?! She really thought she could just get rid of me like that - when I tell my parents our lawyers are gonna make the rest of her life a living hell -" "No, Alli," Aria interrupted sternly, gently wiping dirt from Allison's shoulders as they quickly sashayed through the yard between the DeLaurentis' and Hastings' households. "We can use this, we need someone to take the fall when we take our game for a test run." Allison rolled her eyes. "Jeez Aria since when did you find something to obsess over besides Noel?" Allison asked asked curtly, clearly annoyed. "Trust me on this Alli, this will work. It's what Doctor Sullivan calls 'Refocusing my rage into something productive.' And besides," Aria stared glassy-eyed into the stormy sky for moment, her eyes seeing fantasies she couldn't disclose to anyone other than Allison. "They deserve it," Aria continued. Allison scrunched her lips, not sure exactly what to think. "I like this side of you as much as the next bitch, Aria, but I'm starting to think maybe you're taking it too seriously - it's just a game, and yeah the other three aren't as cool as us but that crazy bitch Mona just tried to kill me!" Allison shouted. "And that bitch took my phone." Aria felt for the pink flip-phone snugly buried in her back pocket before she stopped suddenly and gently gripped Allison's arm, causing her to stop also. "It'll all go according to plan," Aria chided, "and it's gonna be so worth it." A dark car pulled up their street suddenly. Aria looked to try to make out the driver, but it was too dark for her to see who it was - perhaps the driver was wearing a hoodie or something. "Do we know this person?" Aria asked looking between the car and Allison. Allison smoothed down her hair a bit. "Not 'we' - just me; he's a friend," said Allison softly. She turned to Aria, who passed her the brown wig and red coat. "This is where we say goodbye," said Allison. "For now," added Aria with certainty. The two friends hugged briefly, Allison looking at Aria in a similar way she occasionally looked at Emily, then Allison entered the passenger seat of the dark vehicle. Aria watched the car pull away before heading back to the barn. She thought she saw another blonde in a yellow top dart behind the DeLaurentis house, but Aria assumed it was a delusion; she was starting to spiral in her head a little, like another episode was threatening to occur - maybe it was the alcohol, or the stress of watching a psycho loser hit her best friend with a shovel and then watching another friend's older sister bury said best friend. Allison's "friend" sped the car smoothly towards Radley sanitarium as Allison smoothed the brown wig over her throbbing head. "What took you so long Ezra?" Allison spat bitterly to the driver. Ezra Fitz swallowed nervously. "And good evening to you too," Ezra said; nervous and intimidated as he was by Allison, the sarcasm couldn't be helped. "Long night?" asked Ezra dryly. "I told you not to talk to me, Ezra; you do me this last favor, or I shove a sharp third-degree-rape lawsuit up your ass. Not to mention the obsessive stalking." Allison barked bitterly. She thought back to Aria and her obsession with the anonymous texting app they found; Aria had texted Allison a creepy "I'm watching you" message from the app last Halloween as a prank, and ever since Aria was obsessed with how someone could use the anonymous texting app for good or evil. Allison rolled her eyes and shook her head at the silly similarity. "You know, I have this friend - obsessive and a super writer geek. You two would be perfect for each other," Allison says scornfully. Ezra swallowed again. "I doubt she'd be as interesting as you," Ezra whispered, alluding to the book about Allison he had been drafting. Allison thought for a moment, her need to be on top competed with her curious feelings for her female friends. "People can surprise you," Allison shrugged.

So as we can see, Allison and Aria had a dysfunctional dynamic - I guess when you can't fight fire with fire, you make the whole town burn. Soon after Ezra helps Allison hide in Radley (pretending to be Aria), Aria and her family temporarily relocate to Iceland because Byron and Ella Montgomery are warned that the case regarding the death of Toby's mother in Radley has been reopened, and because the time and occurrence correlates with when Aria was there regularly before she convinced her psychiatrist that she's recovering enough to go back to school and "normal" life. Aria's psychiatrist Dr. Sullivan had been worried while Aria was in Radley; she thought that Aria's friend Allison seemed to be encouraging Aria's psychosis and erratic behavior. Meanwhile, Hanna befriends Mona at "fat camp," and together they coach each other to replace Allison - Mona is convinced Allison is dead, so she feels confident replacing her despite Hanna worrying Allison could come back any day. "There'd be hell to pay if Allison suddenly came back and just saw us trying to be her," said Hanna anxiously as Mona curled the ends of her hair. "That's 'if,' Hanna, why would she come back to this godforsaken town," Mona asks passively. "yeah, you're right," Hanna chuckled shyly, rolling her eyes. "I bet she just ran off to a boujie island or something with some hot guy." Mona paused in thought for a moment. "I bet she did." Melissa continues to work with the N.A.T. club - primarily to ensure there was no evidence of her burying Allison's body to help Mona. Mona continually annoys Melissa about it, terrified she will get caught - that it was just an accident and it just happened too fast. Melissa checks the N.A.T. club cameras - cameras secretly placed/tapped into several places throughout Rosewood, funded by Jason's share of the DeLaurentis fortune/stake in the industry company (I can't remember the name of the company, but it's the same one Cece claimed to have used as A). Melissa is certain she literally got away with murder, and fabricates a confession video for Spencer if the investigation got too close to her and she needed Spencer's help to cover herself. Emily continues to grieve for Allison, wondering if she'll ever be found, or if she just ran away with some guy - typical Alli. Spencer feels relief with Alli gone; less rivalry and competition, and the secrets Allison had on her couldn't be weaponized - right?

When Aria returns from Iceland, she's furious to find that the other friends had "moved on" from Allison; Hanna tried to take Allison's place and befriended Mona (who Allison totally despised), Spencer admitted she was relieved that Alli was gone, and Emily dated [that one guy] and disregarded her feelings for Allison. These conditions are the perfect justifications for Aria's torturous experiment; the girls need to remember Allison is still there - one day Allison will come home and everything will go back to how it was, and her friends will be who they used to be before Allison went away. Aria confronts Mona about the night she "killed" Allison, and threatens to bear witness against Mona unless Mona does her bidding. Mona agrees to do whatever Aria asks her to do. Now that "Allison's body" has been found, Aria promises Mona will never be caught for "killing Allison" if Mona uses her wits and skill in her plan to "remind the girls closest to Allison that she's still in charge" - and Mona manifests it into a game.

Who is Mona playing the game against? The N.A.T. club (and Big A). Aria and the N.A.T. do not exactly work together, but they know of each other and compete with each other through Mona. This is why later on the Halloween train members of the N.A.T. club try to murder Aria, as a means to play against the A(D) team (Aria, Mona, Cece, and Allison). Aria had killed Garrett after Allison texts her that Garett realized Aria was A, but Allison actually manipulated Aria to kill Garrett because Garett realized Cece was still feeding them (Allison and Aria) info from the N.A.T. club. Members of the N.A.T. club are slowly killed off by the A Team. Allison kills Ian for moving on to Spencer. Ian was going to make Allison the subject of a movie he wanted to make, but he moved on to Spencer/Melissa as soon as Allison disappeared, which infuriates Allison's self-absorbed ego. Jason is injured by Cece in the elevator because she's pissed he developed an interest in Aria, and he starts connecting dots together between Cece and Allison still being alive (around this time the A Team hits a fork; Cece and Allison versus Aria/Mona)..

Mona is sent to Radley sanitarium after being caught as A by Spencer; Mona thought she could reveal herself as A and convince Spencer to join the team, but Spencer refuses. When every other girl she gets tangled up with (Aria, Allison, and Melissa) is motivated by secrets, Mona assumed that the allure of secret info would be enough to convince Spencer. Mona continues playing the game while in Radley, but she realizes she rather be part of the group than win the game, so after she's released she starts victimizing herself by "A" (her accomplices Toby and Lucas). Aria finds out Mona went behind her back to recruit help for Mona's sake of winning the game and victimizing herself, and confronts Mona at the movies and whispers to her, "you'll never be part of the group, especially if they learn you killed their best friend" - which makes her cry.

After stealing Allison's diaries from Spencer (season 4?), Aria dissects the diaries and reaches out to someone recurring in Allison's diaries; Cece. Aria realizes through Allison's diaries and Cece that despite her unwavering loyalty, Allison kept secrets from Aria - and that just didn't sit right with Aria. Cece is still mad at Allison for jeopardizing her spot in the N.A.T. club - and her relationship with Jason (she was hoping to get a cut from his stake in the DeLaurentis fortune), which motivates her to spill anything she has on Allison to Aria - including Allison's secret relationship with Ezra. Aria visits Allison in Radley, who is anxious to go home, but when Aria confronts Allison about Ezra, she lies, which severs Aria's tie to her. Aria dissociates with her rage and tells Alison she'll never be able to safely escape Radley and go home. After this confrontation in Radley, Allison snaps and has a mental breakdown; she rips off the brown wig and insists she's not Aria but Allison DeLaurentis - the most popular "It" girl in Rosewood. Radley then treats Allison as a "Jane Doe" after confirming with Dr. Sullivan that Aria has been released, and Allison's body has been found so this can't be her. Allison is getting fed up with Aria for stranding her in Radley for years and works with Wren, one of the new hot doctors at Radley, to get fake IDs for her and Cece. Allison continues to pretend to be Aria and visits Mona, asking for all the info she has on the girls and the A game; Allison is ready to take over. Allison promises Cece a cut of the DeLaurentis fortune if she can help her escape. Cece agrees; Allison tells her about the A game, and if "A" kills Jason they can inherit his share of the wealth. Finally Allison can escape Radley for good and steal the A game from Mona/Aria.

Allison and Cece escape Radley and hide in New York [soon] after Mona leaves and steal the game from Mona/Aria. Allison recruits new A team members, including Shawna. Allison as A also inadvertently recruits Jenna, who has no clue A is Alison and Cece. Later, Aria realizes Allison and Cece came back are roaming around Rosewood in red coats and starts the fire in the cabin when she thinks Allison and Cece are nearby to kill Mona - yes, Aria used Mona as bait to bring in Cece and Allison and planned to kill them. She rescued Emily, Spencer and Hanna because to take Allison's place she needs them - the group; Hanna saw Aria in a red coat and an Allison mask. This is why Aria and Cece fight in the warehouse; Cece and Aria used to be chill but now Cece is team Allison (for the money obvi), and Aria tries to save Cece saying she can "be Allison" and give Cece the same money when she fully becomes Allison, but Cece slips and Aria leaves her for dead. Cece resents Aria for leaving her for dead and plays A against Aria.

Allison reveals she's alive to the rest of the girls but she can't come home yet; it's not because of A she can't come home, because as far as she thinks she stole the A game from Aria - she can't come home because of her mom and the family secrets. Jessica DeLaurentis did not want Allison to come home - by assuming Allison was dead she inherited Allison's share of the DeLaurentis company stake, and Allison blackmails Jessica when she learns of Mary Drake - Jessica's deranged twin. To free herself from the restraints her mother poses (she thinks her mother really would kill her), Allison kills Jessica as A. The group is still suspicious of Allison being A, and because she's running out of cards to play, Aria relies on these suspicions to get the game back from Allison.

However, Allison throws a curveball (to Aria) and convinces Cece to reveal herself as A to the girls; Cece is guilty of killing Wilden for Allison and of course Allison has proof. This lands Cece in Radley. Cece learns Allison killed Jessica through the N.A.T. club cameras (because she was allies with Jenna and [Allison's fiance (can't remember his name)] while in Radley), so she threatens to convict Allison with the video footage if Allison does not advocate for her release from Radley. So Allison fights to get Cece released by creating this narrative that they are deranged relatives/half-siblings. Cece is released but Allison hates that Cece has the footage of Jessica's death on her, so she kills Cece. Aria uses this as the perfect means to steal the A game back, but this time she plays it as AD; AD for Alison DeLaurentis, and Aria believes she is Alison DeLaurentis. They play the final game and Aria shoots Spencer near the heart because she's Allison now, and Allison was "heartbroken" Spencer stole Ian from her. Aria/AD abducts and tortures Hanna for trying to take her/Allison's place as HBIC. And the eggs with Emily? That was because Aria was jealous she and Ezra couldn't have kids, and she believed Allison and Emily were supposed to be together in the beginning anyway; Emily did nothing wrong, so Aria's rewarding her by getting her with Alison.

Damn that took me almost 3 hours lmao. Any unanswered plot points this rewrite fixed? Let me know your thoughts! Who do y'all think would've made the most sense to end up as AD? Thanks for reading this far lmao. Wishing y'all the best.