#which is why the circle isnt there i guess

[holmesoldfellow]

Granada Holmes Mobil posters/designs: Adventures, Return, Casebook, and Master Blackmailer

[moeblob]

Hello everyone ! Briefly opening commissions because I don't have a job! Not sure how long commissions will stay open or how many I will take on but once I close them up this time it will be a long while before I open again.

I don't mind detail and there isn't an upcharge for it but if you would like to buy an ACNH style, the detail WILL be reduced and simplified as needed. I also will not do more than two people in one picture (sorry group wanters).

If you are interested, please DM me here on tumblr ! If you have any questions, DMs or asks work though I would prefer being able to answer privately so not anonymous asks.

Thank you all very much in advance! o/

EDIT: Currently going to consider my slots full - thank you all for the reblogs and interest! I might not take more this time, sorry the open window was so small!

[blinkbones]

white whalin, whalin, whalinnn

so profoundly unwell. incredibly unwell.

[rassicas]

today on splatoon mythbusters: is Agent 4 a country bumpkin?

no lol this is probably the funniest widespread misconception to come out in recent years A big part of it is because people misunderstood this map.

I came across this trivia point on the wiki page for agent 4 while making this post LOL agent 4 has better access to public transportation than 95% of you With all that green on the map and nothing marked in between, It seems that people have been assuming the population density of inkopolis looks something like the image on the left. While it's unclear exactly how big the population is of inkadia and the surrounding area is, going roughly off of how irl east Tokyo and neighboring Chiba prefecture look, i think its safe to guess were dealing with an urban area that looks more like whats on the right.

(side note about population count: i take the account of the Low Water Party with a grain of salt since that isnt even a real number they used. something that is more reliable is that graffiti artist Sally has over 240k followers on social media. while followers can be from anywhere in the world ofc, it sounds like her fanbase is largely in inkopolis. i think its safe to say inkopolis is a very big city!)

If we're to look more at the irl equivalent of the area, it seems the Inkopolis Coastal Connector is based on the Keiyo Line. Following that line roughly to where 4's house is lands us in a ward in Chiba city. It doesn't look like much, but about 100k people live in that area. Not a super crazy urban area like tokyo, but still urban.

(incidentally, a major landmark on the Keiyo line is Makuhari Messe, where 3 of the irl splatoon idol concerts have been held. maybe a coincidence but maybe gives more credence to the idea that that's what the coastal connector is based on?) Apparently on the Japanese side, there's a theory that 4 is from Yotsukaido, which is a little further north of the area i circled. why there? Yotsukaido means "4 town street"...4...haha

Ok enough guessing based on "vibes" and real maps that may or may not be accurate to how things are in the splatoon world. The Actual lore: On Splatoon base it's confirmed they grew up about 40 minutes away from Inkopolis by train, close to the city. That's like a nothing amount of distance.

Another developer interview from 2017 goes into more detail.

Inoue: Agent 3 had a very "I've finally made it to the city" feeling, with a strong desire to become fresh. 4 on the other hand, not so much. Rather than being someone from the countryside, they're more like someone who came from a commuter town within the greater metropolitan area. It's like a place where the limited express trains wouldn't stop at, but the semi-express trains would (laughs).

so agent 4 is very clearly, a city kid. agent 3 is the country bumpkin, from an area so far away its not even on the map. According to splatoon base...

Far enough away that they moved to inkopolis alone. meanwhile 4 lives close enough that they could just go home to their parents after battling.

Also this is something that I never see brought up. Amidst the dubiously canon early concept comics in the back of the artbook, there's a comic about agent 3 leaving their hometown, mentioning they live in a seaside town called [REDACTED] with a population of 5000.

Again, these comics are dubious since theyre so old. but there are ideas in these comics that have carried over to the final games in some form, and this is consistent with agent 3's final characterization that they come from a far away small town and had a longing for the city.

anyway tldr i think its funny how agent 4's fandom characterization/backstory got swapped with 3's all because of a misread map

[nikanono]

I know I'm not active on here anymore, but I need a place to get this off my chest.

And Tumblr is where I found my creativity so I guess it fits

It has been so difficult to create anything as of recent. Ive lost so much confidence in what I do with so many shortcomings with my art. And I feel as if part of it is my fault- other parts its completely out of my hands.

Yes, Ai art and the industry tossing creatives aside hasnt been the most encouraging thing in the world. Its a good reason as to why i've been feeling not so great with creating things.

In 2022, I suffered a really bad art burnout. I didnt draw anything for a year. I started to kick it back up again in 2023. I found a lot of comfort in spending a lot of time drawing my OC's- which was far different than what I used to do- which was a shit ton of fanart. It definetely ignighted my spark and I really started to draw what I loved.

I really felt I was diving back into what I was really passionate about.

But I guess i could never escape how badly I relied on external validation for things I make. Because if I truely reflect, I've mostly drawn things for others. And I kept tellling myself that that was something I found comfort in. Getting feedback from an external source is where I grounded my validation for so many years and I really need to break out of that habit. And I'm back in a rut where I'm not finding interest or enjoyment in it anymore.

But its rough- I know OC content doesnt get much attention online, not compared to fanart at least. But seeing numbers dwindle on social def hit the brain a little to hard. I know I cant ever beat the algorithm but it still does suck a whole lot

The art burnout at the start of this year hit me so hard like a 500kg Eagle Strike. I can tell that im forcing any art that I put out. But I look at the recent stuff i make, wether it be a sketch or an illustration, and just feel so disheartened. I dont hate it, I dont critique it- I just feel disheartned by it.

And I know its affecting other parts in my life. Im a lot more moody and irritable, and I have this lingering worry that its starting to affect my social circles. I do my best to check in with my friends and partner but anxiety really just isnt kind at times.

I know time is going to be my friend in overcoming burnout- I know I've overworked myself. I just hate how I'm starting to resent the things I was so passionate about.

But really, I needed to get this off my chest somewhere.

Thanks for hanging friends

[butchbarbieagainstterfs]

i was a terf when i was 16-17 (im almost 20) and let me tell you about the amount of minors that were in those circles, getting lovebombed by 30 year old women.

i was a gender-questioning child who had an... incredibly unfortunate experience with a misogynistic family member. basically, i thought terfs were the only people who understood my rage and i took out my gender insecurities out on transgender people. every time i wrote a stupid ass post a 16 year old clearly wrote i would be applauded by women MUCH older than me. the amount of grooming behavior i witnessed and experienced myself is nothing ive ever experienced before online. i had my age in my bio too so none of them have any excuse.

anyway like i said earlier i was far from the only minor in radfem circles. i saw kids as young as 15 making posts. and these kids were very popular bloggers.

i have strong feelings of guilt about my own actions which i have since grown from but i also have strong feelings of disgust towards these adult women who think its a-ok to rope in minors to a doomerism ideology that believes all men are out to rape you and transgender people are gladly enabling them.

i guess in their minds, seeking minors and messaging them about how they should think and feel about complicated and intense issues they simply do not have the capacity to understand very well isnt grooming but instead an act of sisterhood.

point of this is: radfems are vile, they go after children all the time, and have no remorse about manipulating said children into adopting hateful political beliefs.

I am so sorry that happened to you ❤️

I always remember one quite well known TERF on here that has frogs in the url. I think even now she might only be 17 so still a minor, but she’s been making terf posts since she was like 14 years old and, like you, getting lovebombed for it by grown adult women. It’s honestly disgusting and why I haven’t really engaged her here. She’s just a kid who got groomed :(

[adanaac]

ok sick i love being enabled

now to preface maybe i should say im not particularly interested in the fucking aspect of selfcest, it just doesnt do much for me beyond what selfcest as a premise is already doing for me, and what im far more into is like choking or stabbing each other to death (like in mozaik role) or if one of them is already a corpse

i went at it in sort of a center out approach bc the question that prompted this was "does jerking off count as selfcest" which is obviously no bc there has to be at least 2 bodies i think

1 step removed from "you", that dark grey circle, is sort of the platonic ideal of "another you". this 2nd you is EXACTLY EXACTLY identical to you. im inclined to think that even though this Could be considered "selfcest" in the technical definition of the word, it doesnt have the Spirit of selfcest, or what makes selfcest appealing most of the time.

mind you, by exactly identical i MEAN exactly identical. its like fucking a mirror. this is mostly a hypothetical, because i dont think ive actually ever seen selfcest done this way? theres always at least Some minor difference. personally, if this ever actually happened, i feel like it would be almost robotic, just going through the motions, knowing exactly what the other person is doing and would do and wants

the charm of selfcest, like most things, lies in the imperfection and differences, i think. although my philosophy friend has different opinions

and tbh now that ive had more time to think on it, do you even know what "exactly you" is? is it possible to know the entirety of "who you are"? i wouldnt say i know even 60% of who i am. would you recognise you if you passed you on the street? (although i guess if you did "pass you" on the street, then that other you wasnt "exactly you" anyway) or maybe, would another you who is "exactly you" be completely unrecognizable to you yourself? in the way 100% pure food compounds taste sterile? this is sort of why the concept of "exactly you" is just a hypothetical thought experiment to me, it just serves to emphasize what selfcest is about.

anyway my friend invented noncon selfcest in a effort to figure out what situation "exactly you" would happen in

the green zone is sort of your standard selfcest, most selfcest falls here. i dont feel like i have to elaborate too much since im not trying to classify the taxonomy of the different sources of selfcest (i.e. cloning, mimics, time travel, splitting a person, just plain alternate universe, etc etc) and thats not the point of this, since all types of selfcest are just a means to an end (selfcest), and selfcest is also just a means to an end (character study)

the yellow zone is a bit hard to put into words but its like, not exactly "2 of the same person", but it still has the spirit of selfcest. most mimics would fall here. seimei and haruaki are actually in this category i think because theyre different enough people. you could say haruaki is seimei, but idk if you can say seimei is haruaki.

now white haru and normal haru. thats SOLIDLY in the green zone thats THE MOST classic definition of selfcest (a la hetalia 2P). thank u tanaka mai for the fanservice.

(actually now that im googling hetalia 2p there isnt even that much color palette inverting. where did that come from if not hetalia. i know i have ocs from 10+ years ago that was 2 of the same guy but color inverted and i knew other ppl who had ocs like that or was doing that to minecraft youtubers. hell i still have ocs like that)

BONUS ROUND the so-called selfcest pipeline. i dont fully buy it bc i think selfcest is super easy to get into but also we dont have the sample size. if u read until here ur the sample size now. how did u get into selfcest

BONUS BONUS ROUND the whatever this is

BONUS BONUS BONUS ROUND the response for the person who originally raised the "is jerking off selfcest" question

[gayometer]

Hello!

Can i request platonic odin, thor and loki x reader from the light of my life fic but is cunning and manipulative like makima to everyone else who isnt their family, they also can control forces such as wind, gravity and blood along with all other makima’s power like regeneration, control, etc. they are the god of devil and control and look like the younger boy ver of makima with her red hair and yellow eyes which has circles on them.

Thank u!

Not as innocent

Writer's block go BRRRRRRR

Also this is still gn but I guess masc appearance? Cause of the entire "younger boy version"

Also Makima.....BARK BARK

Does not believe it.

You're his sweet youngest child, you can't even control a cat, how can you manipulate an entire deity?

Regeneration and wind control is what he would prefer you focus on.

Although the blood control thing is something he sees as extremely useful, you can't counter someone who can control your blood.

Odin is still as protective and won't tolerate anyone saying you did something, and if there's proof?

"You gave them a reason"

You don't even fit what you're the god of! God of Devils? You're an angel.

Although, why does one answer with "woof"?

Does not believe it pt. 2

You're an angel, you can do no wrong.

He's glad you can regenerate, that's less infirmary visits if you get hurt.

The whole wind and gravity thing it also pretty neat to him, but you can regenerate that's more important.

He won't use his hammer while sparring with you, he goes easy and still wins.

Your gravity barley affects him, he's stronger.

He'll still teach you some things, but you're too cute to harm.

Thor isn't really an expert at socializing, but he's pretty sure devils don't bark.

He did however witness one of your "named human sacrifices" and he didn't bat an eye.

He's most likely the one to know about the switch, you can barely trick him after all (unless you're Jack apparently).

He can't control blood, but at least you can control him cause he HAS seen you make a lesser god pop just by controlling their blood.

Lowkey scared, he'll pass it off a respect, he's older so why should he be afraid of you?

Besides you completely change your act around your brothers and father, so he's safe.

Although a neat little "trick" you do with him is lowering the gravity and making him fall on his back.

Also make winds strong enough to blow him away. It's little fun and he gets you back by teleporting behind you and giving you a little scare, nothing serious you're still his precious little sibling after all.

He doesn't bat an eye at the manipulation, or when any deity comes to him saying you did something wrong, they always get the same two responses.

"You did something to them then, we did teach then how to defend themselves"

"Nah, you're lying you can't trick me"

[aropride]

one of my professors' tests drive me fucking crazy bc they arent fair at all and nobody is doing well in the class (despite him grading on a curve which is apparently supposed to be a good thing? i guess? i mean it got me like, 12 or 16 extra points on the first test so im not complaining i just dont get how it works) and im like actually going to be so upset if this ruins my Plan to get on the dean's list for the bit. like i'll be genuinely so upset. And one of the girls in my class is a super smart polisci major transferring to an ivy league next year and she's thinking of withdrawing bc she might lose her scholarship if she does badly in this class. And what i mean by the tests being unfair is like. one of the questions on the last test was "where is [whatever building] located?" with 6 different towns as options as well as "none of these" and "other:" with a space to write. so i wrote down "there is no building" in the other spot, and my friend circled none of these, because it isnt in any of these, because there isnt a building at all. and our professor marked him wrong Despite being completely correct Bc he was looking for us to write in that there wasnt one. And another question was like. "which two positions [whatever, i dont fucking remember]" and had places to write in a) and b). and almost nobody got that one right bc THERE'S ONLY ONE POSITION THAT COULD [WHATEVER] AND HE MADE THE QUESTION LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE TO TRIP PEOPLE UP. just doesnt seem like a fair way to assess student's learning at all when u have to read the whole test like, "ok what does he specifically want"-- ANOTHER EXAMPLE, my friend and i both got one wrong bc the question was "what does [latin phrase] mean" and we wrote in what it means as in, like, if we heard the words in a court case, this is what it would mean. but he was looking for the Literal Latin-To-English Translation and marked us both wrong. even though we knew what it meant if it was used in a sentence.and just not the literal word for word translation. because why would we need to know that.

[kuwajima]

If its not much trouble, I would love to hear abaut your pre jigoro zenitsu life that isnt a spolier from your lovely fic.

Fortunately, I can't exactly spoil the fic by talking about this because Zenitsu doesn't have the vocabulary or self awareness to explain himself in my fic. You might notice that in the fic I try to be pretty vague about things, and that's because can't explain himself and Tengen doesn't really allow himself to make the connections or dig deep into what Zenitsu is saying.

But even in my other fic, which is more like a pre-canon Zenitsu character study, I find that going into detail about the aftermath of things is pretty effective. The story is more or less from Jigoro's perspective, so he just sees Zenitsu as being skinny and bruised and insecure but doesn't ask any specifics because he already can guess that people were not kind to him. Kaigaku also recognizes these things but believes these are proof of Zenitsu's inferiority while Jigoro views them more as proof of his kindness and determination.

Anyway. I don't think Zenitsu ever had an adult to care for him. Obviously, babies cannot survive on their own so there may have been some kind of camaraderie on the streets very early on for him, but I do believe Zenitsu's canon dialogue that says Jigoro is the first person to really show him kindness. We really cannot underestimate how difficult a baby with super-human hearing would be. I personally believe his mother was someone who would not have kept her baby regardless of his temperament, but one could easily make the argument that a child like that would be too difficult to handle for some people. I do fully believe Zenitsu gave himself his own surname because it does sound exactly like the kind of surname Zenitsu would choose.

I think it's pretty obvious that Zenitsu comes from a world that is very transactional (i.e. doing something only because you gain something in return) but his lack of connection as a child means that Zenitsu is willing to give things up in exchange for praise or attention. This is why he was taken advantage of by so many girls (he would have also been a child for a lot of those interactions, and children are famously easy to trick.) We also know that Zenitsu is pretty lazy and unmotivated, so I don't think he was able to stay at one job for very long before he would be forced to leave. For that reason, I don't think he lived in one location for very long and that would have affected his ability to make friends as well.

Circling back to Jigoro, I know we technically have a timeline for Zenitsu's training but in my bones I don't think that is the time he actually spent living with Jigoro. I think the training itself may have taken a year, but between getting well enough to begin training and then recovering from an actual lightning strike, Zenitsu may have been there for at least two years, if not more. That does make the ex-girlfriends thing more concerning from a modern perspective. But also...who lends a tween boy a large sum of money?! Someone who knows he is gullible.

I don't really know where I'm going with this now, so hopefully this answered you question somewhat! I have a lot of thoughts but they're hard to get out without writing actual prose about it. Like I said, I don't really go into specifics with my other fic but it is two whole chapters of Zenitsu being sort of wet and pathetic.

[tempestuous-tempest]

Again! Wrench Headcanons:

Guess this 28/41 year old is my hyperfixation for a while.[Age depends on which game he's in. WD2 has him at canonically 28 while Legion makes him canonically 41 years old.] This is about the length of my Deacon Rambles post...

Was a high school drop out at some point. Always getting in trouble for skipping classes, taking shit apart, having his hood/mask on, fighting because he didnt get along with people, etc etc. He hated school.

I see him as the type to have been a drummer in a band at one point. Eventually the band just fell apart but he has some of their songs on his phone still.

Loved the movie Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. In his mind, it had a badass sound track. 7 Nation Army by The White Stripes and Black Sheep by Metric and Brie Larson were real bangers in his mind.

Reeks of beer and gasoline most of the time. Change my mind.

Deadpool is this man's icon. Some of his jokes are inspired by jokes from the comics or movies. Has posters, funkos, obviously the comics and movies, and even dressed up as his own punk version of deadpool loosely based on the funko mini. His personal favorite mini was the chicken costume.

Has a unicorn stuffed animal himself.

Also likes Spider-Punk.

Likes Motorcycles a little bit more than cars.

Detective films? Yes. Action Movies? Definitely. Sci-Fi? Hell Yeah! Horror? Maybe not so much.

People seem to be unable to decide whether Wrench is Bi or Pan. I personally think he'd be Pansexual.

Doesn't like cleaning as he states ingame. Will clean if the mess starts to bother him. Or if Sitara makes him.

High metabolism which is why he's so thin.

Throwns in tons of movie/game references when speaking expecting people to get them and then has to explain them when they dont. Definitely geeks out when someone does.

You know that one audio trend with the person singing CPR and someone else yelling "Language"? He'd be the singer and Sitara would be the one yelling at him to mind his language.

Sends the most odd videoes at the most random of times.

Also the kind of guy that might not respond until like and hour or 2 later.

Tries to be pretty quiet in the mornings, besides the music blasting in his earbuds/headphones.

The more I think about the more I start to believe that his "bad driving" is just a thing he makes people believe until you see his dumb ass in a race and this fucker blows you away with his skills. Then you start to really understand why he can do perfect drifts getting away from the police or gangs in a chace.

Due to his always racing thoughts, he sometims forgets some things. Like he gets sent out to take out the trash, goes to the kitchen, forgets why he went in there, does a few circles to try and remember, then gives up and goes back to his room or workspace. It'll hit him like 20 minutes later.

Favorite food is probably Tacos. Pizza close in like 2nd or 3rd place, maybe.

Decent at voice impressions, if you couldnt tell.

Oh, and for those who absolutely need them, have some romance headcanons too:

Didn't show his face to his S/O until like 6 months into the relationship at the least. He was so fucking nervous too.

Wouldn't even fully open up about his past until probably a year in at the least.

Prepare for cheesy love songs, matching key chains, corny pick up lines, bits of playful teasing, and a lot of small physical touches. (Mostly hand holding but would wrap his arms around his s/o's waist) His s/o also wrapping their arms around his waist drives him nuts.

Needs a lot of reassurance that his s/o loves him. I wouldnt say constantly but quite a few times in the relationship, especially at the beginning.

He isnt exactly scared of commitment as he had a husband at one point. Key word: "Had". Dont expect him to fully settle down though. He still plans to fight until he is sure this battle is really over.

Two Words: Super. Clingy.

Might forget an anniversary, dont hold it against him. He sometimes forgets what he had for breatfast 15 minutes ago.

As I've mentioned before, he does not like kids. Don't expect a family with him.

No planned dates unless his s/o is the one who plans them. He kinda just does things whenever if both have the free time.

Makes sure to dial down his weirdness just a little so his s/o is comfortable. He takes things slow if they want them to be.

Was definitely taking forever to actually ask his s/o out. Hoped they would do it first but then got impatient after a while and just blurted out everything.

This is getting too long. Im done for now.

[liefdesleven]

reading gods worst article on tma (Narrating the (Queer) Gothic in the Podcast The Magnus Archives, Maria Juko) and its so bad that its funny. btw this got published in a book (Rethinking Gothic Transgressions of Gender and Sexuality, edited by sarah faber and kerstin-anja münderlein, 2024) and I can only assume the editors didn't listen to tma themselves because good lord what are these takes. come with me as I read this mess

strong start when it claims the entities seek to torture and destroy humanity. patently untrue. we know they have some sentience, but the focus on humanity does a disservice to gerry explicitly saying "you think people are so special its only our fear that counts?". also "destroy". how are you going to get fear if the entirety of humanity is destroyed. we know what the entities wanted (or at least what the web wanted) it is explicitly stated in mag 200. it says so right there so explicitly that I find it impressive if Juko missed it.

calls the beholding the antagonist? if you want to call Any fear the antagonist id go for the web, but even then, antagonist is not the role id ascribe to a lovecraftian entity

"with the podcast’s final season set in a world dominated by the Eye that Jon et al. ultimately overcome to save the world" / "The world comes to depend on [jonmartins] relationship, with the two of them becoming queer heroes." save the world??? heroes?

4. stupidly funny implications. interesting citation for georgie but that's not important right now. the point is the fight against evil and the reading alleging tma says being queer will get you Heroic Powers. Juko's forgetting about the queer characters that get Evil Powers (all of them. all of the powers are evil. that's the point.) did the archivist utilize ace and bi power when he became the lynchpin of the apocalypse and tortured strangers

5. "As a case in point, inclusivity starts at the level of casting: female police officer Basira Hussain is voiced by Frank Voss, who uses they/them pronouns." very true but idk. frank voss and jonny sims are just pals, ill allow Some implications from this but the author is using it to imply more intentional focus on inclusivity then I think jonny was doing

6. "First, the podcast’s main character, the asexual biromantic Jon, is bestowed with supernatural powers, challenging not just heterosexual but all sexual norms of society." BESTOWED? stop using the word bestowed here oh my God. he is not a superhero!! did Juko listen to the entirety of tma without any moral grayness happening here??? also ?? jons bestowed supernatural powers are in no way related to his asexuality & biromanticism??

7. christ. this isnt a bad tma take but it is reminding me why I wanted to quit my literature analysis bachelor

8. did jon utilize ace and bi power when he betrayed martin. did martin utilize gay power when he stabbed jon. jesus christ what do you mean humanity's salvation. the apocalypse isnt fixed at the end by the power of love.

9. i guess? if you felt like it? tma really isn't a queer narrative in my option but I guess?? you could read it like that. if you wanted to. I'm unsure if you should though because these people are deeply unwell

10. "And particularly in the first seasons, Jon and his colleagues often fail to control the evil entities, losing for example colleague Tim at the end of the second season, which leads to a rift between some of the Institute’s members" yeah because truly they were thriving before that. they were the bestest of friends before tim died. they all held hands and danced in circles

11. unsure how much longer i can take this. this isn't the X-Men

12. "[Jon] could be defined as an asexual biromantic who uses his love for Martin as a form of power to save the world." no he couldn't. next

13. "With this in mind, Jon’s exploration of the Archives becomes a metaphor for accepting his (a)sexuality." HUH. NO IT ISNT? jons asexuality isn't relevant narratively At All. go home.

14. for the love of god can anyone hear me. its so dark in here. were the beholding and jonah magnus asexuality allies when they helped jon become an avatar. the sentence after this calls jon the hero of the narrative again btw. patently untrue

15. "Only by accepting his power can Jon save the world." jon didn't save the world.

Juko discusses melanie & georgie but her takes on them are pretty normal and decent in my opinion. if anyone wants a pdf of this horror let me know & ill send it. I'm so annoyed I'm considering writing an email about this. btw it called jonmartin "enemies to lovers" trope and also said their relationship "starts heteronormative and changes to a more equal footing, whilst retaining heteronormative elements". about the gay couple.

to conclude: I don't know which podcast juko listened to about a heroic narrative about queer love that saves the world, but its not the magnus archives. did you know that the eye is an asexuality ally?

[shuihuzhuan]

to be entirely transparent this is a vent post. nobody's obligated to read it and the only reason it's public is because venting to specific people makes me feel Worse, and i just want to try to put things into Words for myself, you know?

i've definitely been doing some self-isolating Lite (tm) for a while now but haven't quite figured out why or how exactly to remedy it, especially because for the past half year or so i've just felt way too, like, tired, i think is the best word, to put the energy into not only figuring out how to fix it but putting any of that into practice and clearly it's not been doing me any favors, especially when it comes to the fact that i definitely want to make more / better friends with people but am ultimately struck by fear that it's kind of inevitably going to fall apart both because i'm pretty uninteresting (if enjoyable, as i am often reassured, and for that i'm appreciative) and because i find it difficult to muster the energy to try to keep up with people and often feel like i'm left in the dust but have no way to change that without sacrificing the little health and energy i happen to have that i'd obviously prefer to spend on something for Me Specifically. and i guess that's probably eye-rollingly selfish, but at the same time i don't exactly have someone to hold my hand and drag me into doing something different, i have to make myself do it. and making yourself do shit is just like. hard.

i've ultimately found that there's just some kind of fundamental disconnect with the way i interact (or rather, don't, even if i really want to) with people and what i only later really perceive as what they Want from me later on. i unfortunately take things very negatively in a way that i usually describe as just "getting scared" but it feels obvious it's a little more than that, i'm just not sure i have the ability to put it into words, but whatever it is it's in a way that makes it so i just Don't have the ability to make myself bite the bullet and take initiative and i kind of just let whatever happen happen and don't realize i'm making that decision consciously unless one of the people i'm doing it to happens to reach out to me (which they have no reason to feel inclined to do).

this has been both for relatively understandable reasons and reasons that just feel kind of ridiculous when i think about them - of course it makes sense to not want to be further misinterpreted (to put it kindly) without Knowing im being misinterpreted and therefore having no way to fix it, but at the same time just Not talking to new people or not putting myself in situations that scare me isnt the way to go about it, making friends with people who will be able to bring me up to Their level Is, but also if i can't talk to anyone new, i won't be able to find anyone that can help me make that happen. it's a vicious cycle, or whatever.

it's incredibly difficult to continuously present that i want to be spoken to if i've done something upsetting but only really prompt conversation with me in that case. that's the kind of thing that scares people out of talking to me, but i'm not quite sure what to do with it especially circling back to the whole thing about not having much energy at all, you know?

in essence, i'm aware that i'm not really... special? i don't really have anything new to offer at any point and find it difficult to follow things for very long. i'm very head-scrambly in a way that makes it hard for me to follow things even when they're what i have a personal vested interest in (like, even as i write this im jumping back and forth to start and finish paragraphs in a way that probably just makes the whole thing insanely hard to follow if anyone's made it this far). there are a million other people out there with a semi-niche interest that they'll repeat things about over and over again unprompted because they can't remember if they have or can't remember if the people they're talking to don't have any interest in it.

and i guess i've internalized that too much rather than realizing people want to talk to me for me even if i'm Boring not because of what i bring to the table but because of who i am, but if i can't bring myself to talk to them out of fear of being annoying they won't be able to Get anything out of me and then there draws miscommunication From the lack of communication in general, leading people i care about to think i don't want to talk to them for whatever reason when that's not the case (what happens is i start thinking "they don't want to talk to me, i'm pretty sure i'm just annoying them" turns into other people thinking that i think they are annoying because i don't want to talk and then nothing is done about it), but at the same time i'm just unfortunately forcing them to put in effort for something that's not necessarily going to pay off.

something recently got me thinking about the way i Communicate and if i'm like... good at it? and what i'm thinking is that maybe at some point i might have been but i just find it so draining to try to tap into the skills i know i should have to an end i know i should be trying to reach.

i like talking to people. i'm a big fan of it. but i think i'm just used to do so in a way thats just so insubstantial and brush-off-y (even if i'm not trying to be) that when i need to even do something so small as ask someone if they Want to chat i get too scared to and end up thinking that we're both better off if i don't embarrass myself by doing so, and then i dig myself into a hole of making people think i don't want to talk to them when that's not the case.

the paranoia inherent to the Mental Illness Concoction certainly doesn't help, and even though 9 times out of 10 it's not proven and is, obviously, ridiculous and unjustified, the one time in a million that it ends up being correct fools my mind into thinking i need to do more of it rather than think rationally.

i'm also, like, very well aware this comes off as distinctly pity party-ish but to that i'm just like. shrug? not really much to be done about it, especially when doing so takes both energy and courage i don't have. guy who can put in the effort to yap to the void but not to talk to people for real

[logicroute]

hades fun ramble abt how the yttd fandom treats shin tsukimi :)

haiiii so if you know me you know that i have one billion illness about some guy named shin tsukimi from yttd! and i have some issues on how the fandom writes him, this is coming from someone who has health issues so im going to be somewhat projecting but! hopefully not that much. all of it is going to be under cut!

this is going to cover a lot of spoilers.. so i wouldnt click it unless you finished the game. its also going to cover topics like ableism and a mention of toxic relationships but thats expected when you want to talk about shin and the fandom

so in game (epsically in your turn to shine) its heavily hinted that shin is someone who has health issues (chronic illness and the works), even in the base game it is shown that shin is physically weak (chapt one in the bar where he tries to open the drawer for example.).

and how the fandom made that into shin being a weak person, but not in a strength sense, in the sense that he cant protect/cant hold his own (looking at you shin ship writers.). but! thats just the only issue right? (this is also ableism to me in a way.. but i cant put my words right at the moment.)

nope!! theres more. the fandom at times made shin out to be a 'dirty' person, someone who is gross and unclean. even if that's far from canon (there being a line that shins hands are clean in game.) and to me, thats just stereotypes of people who are mentally ill coming into play. saying that people who suffer from mental illness cant treat themselves on their own. which in some cases may be true, but not in all of them.

i also think this ties into shin being a person who was in game he is saving money, he is a job hopper which some fans took as he is poor which mean hes dirty.. which is just gross that people think just because a person may be poor, automatically means they're dirty.

theres also the issue with shadow sou (also know as shadsou in the fandom) where (some) people treat it as not a part of shin, it just being a part of midori. shin didnt bring out the hiyori persona out of nowhere, it wouldnt make sense that shin is some 'soft boy'.

fans tend to forget that shin isnt the best person, even in a few pregame thoughts. he can still be an asshole without being told about the 0.0% thing. you can let him be petty, you can let him be sly, you can let him be mean. he doesnt need to be doomed to do any of that.

its the same with the shinai, we only really saw small bits of the shinai.. and guessing from his dialog, he is still close to hiyori and that can affect how he acts, but that doesnt mean a pre game shin acts just like shinai, his an ai for a reason, he learns over time and picks up his own traits. its similar to how the fandom treats highschool shin and his friendship with hiyori and thats a whole another can of worms.

people who say they dont ship hiyori and shin.. and then say they dated in the past are an issue to me. not every toxic friendship has to be romantic, yes hiyori wanted to study shin, but thats because he wanted to see how much he can push a person. even the shinai says he likes to experiment on people, and hiyori most likely did the same with shin but more in a mental sense.

theres a reason why i dont interact with people who tag stuff with their ship tag, i dont trust them to take them in a way thats just them being 'friends'. and if you see it like that or make it out so hiyori isnt that bad of a person... block me i dont want you guys near me. (this goes with those 'midori isnt a bad person!!' au writers to. get out.)

on the topic of shipping, a handful of people who ship shin with people srsly make him out to be someone whos weak and needs to be protected by whoever the pairing is with. you guys just want your yaoi. i see this the most in keishin / alishin circles. shin doesnt need to be 'saved' or whatever, he just needs to heal on his own time, he doesnt need a romantic partner in his life for that.

thats a good part of my thoughts! if you have any questions on my thoughts on shin you can send me an ask here or shoot me a dm on discord :3 (samuraiyaiba)

[pokegyns]

the deranged lgbt spaces post is so true. I used to be supportive of lgbt spaces and rights when it was easy to understand for cishet people. lgbt involved sexuality at most back then and the idea was simple, it's okay to have sexual attraction of any kind, hetero or homo. But now I don't see the sexuality spaces much, it's cluttered with gender stuff and trans stuff. The number of terms and definitions have increased so much even tho I have been in these spaces for a while now, I don't know what half the terms means. What's the difference between transmasc and transman? transwoman and transfem? Why does every experience need to have a term, why can't an experience just remain that. When you define an experience, you give it a box in only which it can exist. And that's sad, experiences can be varied and undefined - relatable or unrelatable. Idk where I'm going with this lol but guess I have a lot in my mind :-| correct me if I went wrong

personally i feel like the real way it goes wrong isnt having terminology to describe experiences; its the way its handled.

when i was trying to desist and just see myself as a dysphoric woman and not express myself as some shade of nb and let myself feel comforted by various terms and pride stuff i really did just feel like i was inhibiting myself and basically trying to train myself out of seeing my sex incongruency as as fundamental to me as it really is. And for me personally, having ways to communicate my experiences without a whole mouthful, a "sort" of person that it makes me, is really helpful. honestly even just for the fact im a very "i like sorting things into boxes that make sense to me" autistic.

and like, honestly. identities and forms of self expression that could be considered sorts of "gender identities" has always been part of lesbian communities, and even just, other sorts of identity labelling too.

the problem arises when; 1, everyone is supposed to know what these things mean lest youre hatecriming them 2, people try to project these experiences onto others, insisting it MUST be something every person on the planet has an equivalent of "just like sexuality" when it really *is not* 3, it turns a corner into being dissociated from reality and claiming that entirely unrelated concepts have to do with """gender""" and thus obscuring the experiences of sex dysphorics while also promoting a sense of disreality in the community. this then circles back to problem 1, or ig a modification of it where "that doesnt make any sense" is similarly a hatecrime and, the original spirit of such means of expression honestly was not like this at *all*. these terms were meant as a way to chill the fuck out lol. like. actual self expression, not the existential crises i see people have over these things

also im not sure if youre actually asking about transmasc vs transman etc, but generally transmasc is an umbrella for females who either have gender identities or are transitioning and is less specific than "transman" in order to cover the "grey area" as well as the experiences both collectively have. like; i personally feel "transman" insinuates expecting to be exclusively referred to as male pronouns, etc etc etc. but there is, and always has been, a grey area between living as "fully" trans, and not having any sort of gender fuckery experiences at all.

like i definitely beyond see all the problems with how people of these sorts of experiences have ABSOLUTELY been derailed by the mainstream and emphasizing concepts in the worst possible ways, and i can totally appreciate what ur saying, but i dont necessarily thing putting words to our experiences is inherently the problem as opposed to the compulsory, over-self-analytical and dissociative nature of it all -mod glaceon

[everything-is-out-to-get-me]

playing artificer is rlly fun now that im used to it!!!! its very unforgiving gourmand isnt so bad after all also apparently steam added a screen recording feature which is nice so liveblogging will probably be more fun

mostly artificer experience below

SO YEAH I REACHED uhh water way facility thing i forgot what it was called AND LATER LEARNED OH WOW THIS IS JUST SHORELINE BUT IN THE PAST i somewhat have an idea of the timeline of events in this game but its so cool seeing what the twomoon area used to look like

also eating is surprisingly easy as artificer, just get a spear and kill a bunch of squidcadas and ur good to go even the scavengers you can just keep exploding til you stun them and Eat their Cor p s es

theres still a lot of vultures though like oh mysgjeoidsj ITS LIKE THERES NO NORMAL VULTURES ANYMORE I SWEAR THEYRE ALL JUST KING VULTURES NOW and i am hoping that miros vulture is shaded citadel exclusive i think ill cry if i see it anywhere else also omg dream sequence.....

also noticed that you can still explode in this dream. makes me wonder like, why can bro explode. is that just . a thing all slugcats can do. like was there no radioactive science experiment gone wrong could artificer just do that since forever WATER FACILITY IS HELL THOUGH. ARTIFICER LITERALLY CANNOT SWIM AND DIES AFTER TAKING A SIP OF WATER . AND FOR SOME REASON THE SCAVENGERES HAVE DECIDED "YEAH THIS IS OUR HOME NOW" WHERE DID THEY EVEN COMEFROM and WHHYY???? ARE THEY HERE?? ALSO THAT BLUE LIZARD CAME OUT OF NOWHERE

i managed to somehow get a shelter righttt before the rain killed me and drowned and im close to this area now

apparently it should lead to five pebbles??? i can tell its 5p cause it doesnt have the circle on the forehead like two moon. i explored it a bit though but i think there's only dead ends in there also wow theres a lot of vultures here

istg this place has to be important though. like the blue glowing letters remind me of the rot like pebelbelbes.... where...are.you....

ITS STILL SO CHAOTIC IN WATER FACILITY THOUGH LIKE IT FEELS LIKE I CANT EXPLORE ANYWEHRULAEUR9WEU9R34RQUJIWE swimming KILLS YOU and thres VULTURES and SCAVENGERS ARE HERE TOO SOMEHOW and god forbid if i find a karmagate im gonna have TO FIND A SCAVENGER TO KIELAIERJSALDIJF

oh and gourmand is just in pipeyard now i guess

silly guy........... might actually get to five pebbles at this rate........... although i dont know what pipeyards is ive never been there so hoping its an easy region