#which is why I tend to commission mutuals or artist I know and love

[mitamicah]

Hii there, Can i offer to you my art comms..

I prefer to commission only friends/mutual or artists where I know and love their art. so i will have to decline your offer. I hope you have a nice day regardless

[thistangledbrain]

Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month

Day 5!

“Special Interests”

Have a quiet Autie in your life? That won’t last long if you tap into their special interest. We can’t shut UP when we find someone who’s genuinely curious about what lights us up.

Every older Autie I know has at least one special interest, sometimes several.

Mine? Dogs. Primarily.

And I mean EVERYTHING dog, but starting with behavior. Then in no particular order, health/genetics, various breeds and their traits, training....literally everything. Even the genes that define coat color & pattern, and what physical genetics are tied to behavior (if you’re curious about that, start with the Russian studies about domesticated foxes and what happened to their red coats, the more tame they became). It was horses when I was younger, but I soon moved to dogs when getting into my late teens (more affordable and accessible I guess lol). And if I don’t know the answer to your questions, we find out together, because I *need* to know, too. 😉 I can talk dogs with you literally all day and never get bored...which helps socially, too (I’ve mentioned that most of my closest friends are dog people) - I have a larger network of friends than most other auties I know, and it’s because of a shared passion for all things dog. 
Then there’s the sciences, but particularly quantum & theoretical physics. I. Fucking. Love. Physics. LOVE IT. Unfortunately, my brain hits a wall with more advanced mathematics, so I can’t “do” physics on the level I want to. Luckily for me, my oldest son is also pretty obsessed with it, and he is now pursuing a degree in physics....so when he comes home, we sit down with his notes and he breaks it down for me (the language behind the experiment or action). I have pictures of his notes saved on my phone, for simply the silly reason that I like the patterns of the math (it’s the “universal language”, if you didn’t know), and like to daydream about understanding it. (He struggles with the math as well...we are both HEAVILY right brained...but he manages.) If there’s a documentary out there about physics (plus many lectures), I’ve probably seen it multiple times. Idk why quantum physics in particular interests me...maybe because it’s almost like magic. ☺️ Quantum entanglement fascinates me, and the theory that things aren’t what they are unless/until you observe them...I can get stuck absolutely obsessing over these things.

Nature/animals are the big background special interest that the specifics tie into, though (and this ranges from astrophysics to the life cycle and structure of an ant colony - and even human psychology). Concerning observable animal/plant nature though (and this is a big one for me), Sir David Attenborough is my hero lol- no one else answers the questions I have, and opens up the natural world for me, like that dude. It was Mutual of Omaha’s nature shows when I was a kid, now it’s him. Sorry not sorry, but a doc on the secret life of plants is *fucking riveting* to me. Science is my JAM! 😆 I am happy to recommend any docs to any other fellow science nerds (Through the Wormhole, The Elegant Universe, and Cosmos are all MUST SEE - if you’re a nature nerd, of course Blue Planet, Our Planet, Life...gosh. So many great series). When I get on a science kick, I get the same feelings I get when I’ve tapped into a difficult dog’s psyche, and we start to figure things out. It’s an absolute thrilling obsession, and I am very restless until all my “why/how” is answered. It’s never enough - I never know enough, and I never will.

It’s also an area where my perpetual 2-3 year old is consistently mostly satisfied. I mean that’s the whole scientific community in a nutshell LOL! “WHY?” “HOW?!” When I was a kid, I’d have to write down all my questions that weren’t answered by our Encyclopedias, and wait till the weekly library trip to find the answers I sought. Now, I have a smartphone and Google LOL....and I cannot even begin to describe how consciously thankful I am for that quick access to answers!! Questions will *eat me alive* sometimes, so answering them in a timely fashion is sooooo satisfying 😆

I guess I’m a bit of an artist/creative personality. I’m unhappy when I don’t have space to create....but that space is pretty damn large, because I’m into almost all of it (you can’t exactly fit a miter and bandsaw into your apartment studio, so I’m very grateful I have the space for the power tools LOL...)

From building things to fabric crafts, I love it all. I get way burned out if one of those things become a “job”, though (ehh except being paid as a regular employee of a historic renovation construction firm LOL) - something I HAVE to do. Then it’s not enjoyable anymore. I had started down a path of marketable creations, and they were in high demand...but then it became something I HAD to do for money, instead of wanting to do for enjoyment - and I haven’t touched that particular craft in 8 years or more now (which frustrates people, because I was good at it). 🤷🏻‍♀️ That’s one of those things I really can’t help. My oldest son seems to be sort of similar....he’s commissioned several pieces (and secured his first few at a VERY young age), but he also tends to get a little frustrated when he’s expected to create something, instead of the urge naturally striking him. The whole beauty and satisfaction from art - for me anyway - stems from pure imagination without constraints. When you’re doing something to please someone, it ceases being art, and turns into just...a skilled task you completed. That’s how I look at it, anyway. So even though I could actually make my art into a career (at least supplementary income), it ceases to be enjoyable for me *at all*, unless I’m creating something for someone who means a lot to me. That, and I really just prefer to give my stuff as gifts. It makes me feel good to see people light up with joy over what I’ve made for them, whatever it was. (I also do a shitload of remote training with people and their dogs, for free. I point folks towards the trainers I respect if they need extensive in person work, but lots of folks don’t have several hundred bucks to sink into understanding their dogs better...so...I just help where I can, now. I think it *used to* frustrate my husband, but he absolutely understands now & is cool with it.)

Oh. And rocks and minerals. I’m an obsessive rockhound LOL - and a cousin is a geologist, so he can break down how and why each is so unique, how it formed & why, etc. I’m actually currently converting a large yard sale antique wardrobe into a piece that can showcase Sir Tommy on one side, and my extensive rock and mineral collection on the other (waaaay not extensive enough, but you might be surprised how expensive quality specimens are. Take moldavite for example...fascinating thing...little chip of it about the size of your pinky nail will run you $20 +, because it’s rare. And yes I am fascinated by the metaphysical value attached to these minerals, and why that’s even a thing.) The way minerals form - let’s cite Aragonite as an example - just captivates me.

So I guess those are my main special interests! If you have a *young* Autie in your life, try to expose them to various things. To find a “special interest” is to find a way to ground ourselves. Special interests are a bit different than...well, I’m not sure what words work for stim interests that you can escape into for NT’s, but it’s less of an interest, and more of an obsession for us. It consumes us.

So anyway, EVERY Autie has a special interest. It could be science, it could be gaming (that’s a big one with lots of males, and not a small one for Autie women either, because it’s an escape you actually have to engage your brain in) or computers; it could be mathematics or art. It could be animals and nature. But eventually (for those of you with wee Auties), Your Pet Autie ™️ will find something that they absolutely obsess over & gets them excited to share their knowledge or creations with you. I encourage parents of auties to help them explore the world and find their niche. It helps us navigate your world, and find a way to be at home in it. It also gives us something to fixate on other than our bumbling attempts at fitting in to a world not built for us.

Circling back - if you know an autistic in your life that you want an “in” to get to know, start with their special interest. (Of course we recognize when you’re doing it just for the merits, versus when you actually want to learn something from us, but we appreciate both, really. It gives us a chance to ...idk. Feel important, maybe. At least that’s what it is to me, and my boys. We love to feel needed for our knowledge!)

Special interests are truly your “in” to an Autie, regardless of what their subject is.

So that’s MY take on the special interests. What lights your beloved Autie up?

[ikesenhell]

Blessing

AMERICAN DREAM, Chapter 6. You can find all other IkeSen works of mine here. NOTES: Not gonna lie, I got into my feelings for this one.  More discussion about a past death. Thanks to @missjudge-me for this commission!

---

Sunlight drifted into the room despite all the best efforts of the curtains. Apparently they’d left a crack last night. Masamune grumbled dissatisfaction with the sky and pulled her tighter to him, caressing her tousled hair. 

“What time is it?” She murmured. 

He checked the clock. “‘Bout ten.” 

“Mm.” 

Sweet, sleepy silence hung over them. He parted his knees for her insistent leg. Where in the world would he rather be than here with her? Nowhere. Nowhere on Earth was as sweet. 

“So…” Her fingers walked up his chest, settled right over his beating heart as if measuring its pace. He entwined his hand with hers. “What now?”

“Guess you gotta get ready for your interview, Kitten.”

“Not what I meant.” The pause lingered for a little too long. “If I get this job, you know I’ll be thousands of miles away from you, right?”

Oh. So they were having this conversation. Masamune shifted. “Guess so.”

“I mean, it isn’t a given that I’ll get it, but…”

Of course nothing was given, but Masamune assumed—knew—that she would nail it. She was too encompassing and graceful not to. They would offer her the job. What then? Could he tolerate the distance between them? The last time they were separated, time had worked its awful magic and severed their bond. He supposed it was possible for him to relocate. 

But then there was his family. He hadn’t yet finished finalizing his father’s estate, and after that, he had a job to go home to. They were holding it for him. Masamune pet her head, deep in thought. Impulsive and brazen he was, but rash? Oh no. He always made decisions he could bank on. Relationships weren’t that. 

“Dunno, Kitten.” He admitted. “Tell you what. You focus on your interview and try not to think about it too much.”

The pout she fixed him with was divine. “That’s your stellar advice?”

“I mean—” He chuckled, tapping her lip. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not gonna ever lie to you and tell you I have a plan when I don’t. Focus on right now, and I’m gonna figure things out. Okay?”

Clearly she saw the sense in that. She sighed and stretched, every inch of his body hungry for hers all over again. Responsibility stayed him. Her skin was a dream in the webbed light, goosebumps their own topography as she pushed back the sheets. “I’m going to take a shower. Want to join?”

Damn. How could he refuse an invitation like that? “Set an alarm.”

“Why?” 

“Because otherwise I’ll make you late as hell.”

---

She applied her makeup with the skill of an artist, slow and measured, accenting all of the beautiful parts of her he’d lavished with attention. Masamune watched her from his place on the bed, transfixed. Her eyes caught his. 

“What?” 

“Just wishing I had two eyes so I could wink at you.”

With a laugh, she went straight back to applying mascara. 

The hotel room was cold and lonely when she left. Masamune tucked his feet under the comforter to keep them warm. Maybe he would walk himself to the bistro down the street, get breakfast. But first. 

His mom used the house phone still. She had a cellphone, but rarely turned it on (which defeated the purpose, in his opinion), so he dialed the familiar number and stared at the ceiling. It rang only twice. 

“Hello?” She sounded exhausted. 

“Hey Ma. Things going alright?”

“Did you take the Camaro for a reason?”

“Long story. I found someone to sell it to, though. I’ll probably be back the day after tomorrow.”

Apparently his antics were consistent enough that she just accepted the non-story with a deep, beleaguered sigh. “Well, that will be off my hands at least.”

“Yeah. Death certificates arrived yet?”

“Yes. I sat them on the entryway table for you.”

“Perfect. Anything you need me to grab on my way back?”

“No. Not that I can think of. Oh—maybe paper towels. I keep forgetting them.”

“Sure. I can do that.”

They lapsed into silence. Masamune ran his fingers over the ridge of his nose. He’d inherited so much from his father—his eyes, his nose, his unruly hair, his way of doing things—but his mother was there, too. She was there, in his decisive nature and his no-holds-barred will. They’d never been close, but she was still there, bone deep. 

Eventually he said, “Hey, Ma?”

“Yes?”

“How did you know Dad was the one?”

She hesitated. “Why?”

“I’m curious. I’ve never heard the story. I just realized that.”

He half expected her to turn him down flat, give him a curt goodbye and hang up the phone. No doubt she had other things to do. Instead,  he heard the familiar creak of her settling into his dad’s favorite green armchair. “I think it was ‘81. I was in college.”

That was new information. “I didn't realize you went to college.”

“I did. I received a Bachelors in Political Science.”

This explained a lot. She’d been so upset when he abandoned college for a culinary career. “Oh, huh. That suits you.”

Apparently she heard the humor, because she didn't scold him for the quip. “Your father said the same thing. I met him while I was canvassing for… oh, I remember—Reagan had just fired all those air traffic controllers. I gave him a flyer, but all he wanted was my number. I told him to—” She paused, clearly amending the past. “I told him to take a hike.”

“And he didn't.”

“No. He didn't. I had him pegged as having ulterior motives. We ran across each other again when a couple mutual friends decided to go to the movies. He picked my brain on politics the whole night.”

“Wait—” Masamune laughed. “He just wanted to talk about policy?”

“Apparently.” Her voice was dry with humor. “He was just fascinated with my mind. I was almost insulted that he wasn’t more interested in the rest of me. Things went on like this for a couple more months, and I finally had to tell him that I wanted him to ask me on a date before he did. He said something like ‘I didn't want to make you think that was the aim all along’.”

The familiar pang of grief echoed in his hollow sternum. Masamune pressed a hand over his chest. “But when did you know you would marry him?”

A faint chuckle. “Immediately. He borrowed someone else’s car for the date and drove me to a documentary screening, and the moment he held open the door for me—” She sighed, decades of nostalgia lingering in its wake. “I just knew. I’d never envisioned myself marrying anyone before, but with him, it was immediate. I could—I don’t know—I could see us growing old together. I could talk to him for hours. We got ice cream afterward and sat on the stoop and talked about names for children.”

“Did you really?”

“Yes. That’s when we decided your name. Your father said it was perfect.”

Masamune blinked hard, determined not to cry. “I didn't know that.”

“Well, that’s how it happened. I wouldn’t have it any other way. He waited until I graduated, and then the day after, we eloped. My parents were furious. They didn't forgive him for years and years.”

“Did you—” His voice choked. Taking a moment to compose himself, Masamune tried again. “Did you ever wonder if you were doing the right thing?”

“Of course I did. Doesn’t everyone? But one has to take risks in life. Otherwise, they wind up on the whims of fate. Life is for living.”

He’d never heard his mother say something like that. The mantra for his whole life was the same as hers—and he’d never known. The gulf of years at odds shrank, bit by bit, until he could finally see the picture of his mother: a woman who loved her husband and children, who spoke her mind, who was so unsure what to do with a child like herself. “Ma, can I ask you something else?”

In the background, he could hear the hum of a lawnmower. No doubt the next door neighbor was tending to his grass. Spiritually he returned there—sixteen and sitting in the living room, listening to the lawn mower, folding paper planes to throw at the window of a girl he loved, even if he didn't realize that just yet. 

“Sure,” she answered. 

“If I stayed out here, would that be too hard for you? I’m—all my friends are out here. There’s a lot for me out here.”

“You aren’t one to ask my permission for anything.”

“I’m not.” Masamune paused, running his tongue over his teeth. He could see his father now, kind eyes and capable hands, bent over the Camaro and humming classic rock. “I’m asking for your blessing.”

For a long, long while, she was silent. He could hear the huff of her breath, soft and even. 

“You’ve always been your father’s son.”

He smiled. “Is that a compliment?”

“Of course it is. I loved your father—even if both of you drove me crazy.”

“That’s not an answer, Ma.”

“It is,” she said. “Of course you have my blessing.”

[collapsingintojupiter]

My Destiny OCs

You asked, @a-rebellious-waffle, and you shall receive.

First up, Jupiter-9 (and Sinope)

Jupiter-9 is, as the name suggests, an Exo. They’re a Dawnblade Warlock, and known well around the system for the chaos they bring with them wherever they go. The Vanguard has long since given up trying to get them to help with Guardian business, partially because they forget half of what they’re told to do anyways, and partially because even when they do remember they pretty much never listen. They’re known around the Tower as a wild card, and you never know where they might start causing trouble next.

Because Jupiter-9 was one of the first Exos created, a rare volunteer for the process, they tend struggle a lot with remembering things - even things as simple as the name of their own Ghost, or their best friend Kessa. They have to be reminded of things often, as memory loss sometimes strikes them even in the middle of completing simple tasks.

Sinope is Jupiter’s Ghost. He’s cynical, sarcastic, and tired, having been Jupiter’s only sense of common sense since they became an Exo and left a lot of their human pieces behind. He’s constantly helping them keep track of things, and remember things, and is usually the one to get them back up to speed when they suddenly forget what they’re doing. He’d never say it but...he loves them (and the feeling is definitely mutual).

As for what Jupiter-9 is currently doing, they’ve become something of an expert in Hive. More specifically, in blowing Hive (and all their little rituals) up. Their love of explosives and puzzles and the curious nature of the Darkness has led them into the darkest catacombs of both the Moon and Mars, and Traveler knows how they keep making it out of that shit alive. Jupiter sure doesn’t.

This is them in the Tower with Banshee and Sinope, looking over a new rocket launcher. (Credit for the art goes to @/xxmiuki666xx; they’re an amazing artist and lovely human being. Would definitely recommend them if ya ever looking for high-quality commissions)

Second is Rex (and Erya)

Rex lives with his boyfriend Pegasus-4 (@cookieundertherock’s character; we designed the two bois together) and his pitbull Dandelion in the Last City. He’s a Hunter - a Gunslinger- and human (Pegasus is an Exo; a Sentinel Titan). He and his boyfriend work for Shaxx a lot of the time, helping out with the Crucible and training new kinderguardians and such. Rex also likes going to Io, both to relax and to help Asher with whatever investigative studies he’s conducting at the moment. He finds the challenge there to be “too much fun,” as Asher puts it.

Rex is a tiny little bastard, small enough to ride on Peg’s shoulder, as he commonly does (especially around other Guardians for the Drama(TM). Though Rex is tiny, he’s an absolutely feral little shit that will do what he wants and get what he wants, whenever he wants it. He’ll fight anybody and everybody, and he’s a very good fighter - small and extremely agile, and very hard to hit (or even find, if he doesn’t want to be found).

Erya is, if anything, Rex’s polar opposite. She doesn’t take his shit (or anybody’s), and has no trouble calling him out when she sees it to be necessary. She’s outspoken, sarcastic, and intelligent. She’s also pretty much the only thing Rex actually listens to, aside from his boyfriend when he’s serious enough.

Here’s Rex with his doggo (art is mine).

Third, I have Quill (and Eriden)

Quill is probably my quirkiest OC, who looks like a Warlock and acts like a hunter (wears a cape like one too). They’re small, though not as small as Rex, with a look that’s somewhere between Awoken and Human (what they actually are, they won’t say). He’s a demiboy, and uses he/they pronouns.

Quill is quiet, aloof, and determined. They don’t talk much, and let Eriden do a lot of the talking for them - they figure she’s better at it, anyways. He has a collection of Old World and Golden age artifacts and technology that he watches over, locked in a secret hideout in the EDZ where he also lives. They’re a good friend to Devrim, and the sniper often helps them find new artifacts and such on their trips into the Old Town and beyond. If you know the right buildings to search, and the right knock...well, you just might find them.

Eriden is Quill’s Ghost. She’s friendly, outgoing, bold, and a huge history nerd just like her Guardian. She’s fascinated by every single piece of their Collection, and loves to study the artifacts with Quill or go searching with him for more. There’s nothing she loves more than uncovering and understanding the past, and she believes it can help the Guardians find a better future as well.

This is them, riding a sparrow with their friend Nebula-2 - he’s the one in the back. (Art is by @/nagunkgunk, another amazing artist on here)

The last two OCs are a matched set, my boys Imp-32 and Flynn. (And their Ghosts, Fireling and Star)

Imp-32 is an Exo; a Nightstalker Hunter that both looks and acts like a broken machine. Flynn, on the other hand, is a Titan, an Awoken Sunbreaker with a friendly and open demeanor. They’re inseparable.

They met through tragedy, after their fireteams were killed in a disaster and an ambush. Though many consider their relationship to be strange, the two are extremely loyal to each other and consider the other to be their greatest ally. They’re learning to move on from their trauma together; Flynn watches out for Imp and protects him, and Imp is always around to offer a listening ear to Flynn whenever he needs it (or follow him into battle, as the case may be).

Imp is small, even for a Hunter (I...I bet you can’t see the theme here...). He’s agender, but uses he/him pronouns. His metal skin is chipped and cracked, and faded with a lot of action over time (his right hand is also missing, replaced by a modified blade that Flynn built). He refuses to repaint it; he looks something like a demon according to some, but he doesn’t care. His name is quite fitting. Ever since he lost his fireteam, Imp has also refused to take off the armor he wore then, and it’s become quite tattered and worn - a symbol of his devotion to them even after death. He’s very distant, and almost never speaks except to Flynn. When he does speak, his voice sounds broken and cracked; pained. He’s also quite anxious/paranoid, and easily startled or scared by loud noises, which is part of why Flynn is so protective of him.

Flynn is the polar opposite of Imp; he’s enormous with a powerful build, and considered to be quite handsome with his starry freckles and silver hair. His armor is well-built and beautiful, from the result of both his and Imp’s artistic natures left on its surface (and plenty of time spent taking care of it on the side). Flynn himself is friendly and charming, with a kind smile and easy-going nature. He makes friends easily, and everybody who meets him likes him - oftentimes even the Guardians that don’t like Titans, or civilians that don’t like Guardians. Empathetic and generous, he never turns away the opportunity to help someone else if he can (and yes, Imp helps too). He’s also a lot more intelligent than he seems; a wise and cautious strategist good advisor to those who ask.

Here are their armor and face references (both are by me).

I hope that’s enough for you lmao

[emsartwork]

ask dump! Separated loosely by topic 

Questions and Comments

1. is this a homestuck thing. this is a homestuck thing isnt it  2. lol i love doing both!!! i love world building but i also like trying my hand at redesigning the mess that is canon fashion. @theoretical-artist​ 3. thank you!!! oritel and marion are in this post! 4. ayyyyy inginio hit me up (thank you lol) 5. Thank you! 6. maybe? i’ll see if i get around to it, i still have a few characters to get to so the school fairies and the last two selkies might show up with them 7. probably not.... it would be super fun but unless it was a commission i don’t feel like i have time haha 8. I’ve seen their blog around!! i can’t remember if i follow or not but i know who ur talking about and they cool @winxy-writing @winxys-written-world

Character and Worlbuilding

1. My brilliant nerd daughter!!! She sometimes gets so into coding or a video game she forgets to eat or drink so the girls watch out for her. She’s prone to dissociating, especially if the situation is emotional. Her hair is really soft. she actually loves sappy romantic things but has trouble accepting them or vocalizing that she wants them because they’re impractical/illogical. she discovered romcoms when she got to alfea and they are her ultimate guilty pleasure(only flora knows abt this and is always slipping recs to her) 2. They’re weirdly one of my fav couples??? like maybe its because i relate to and have projected onto both of them lmao. but any ways. Daphne and Thoren actually met when they were kids, but didn’t spend much time together because it was at a formal event. Daphne is technically 20 years older than Thoren(only a few years older than Sky), but they’re the same physical age because Daphne spent so long as a spirit. They probably wouldn’t get married as quickly in my version, especially with Daphne’s trauma. Daphne will have nightmares sometimes and Thoren has a whole routine for comforting her and helping her feel safe and grounded. Thoren gets anxious easily, and Daphne will use her magic to subtly change the environment so he feels more comfortable. they like to watch reality tv together and yell at dramatic people. 3. omg yes. this was the most frustrating thing i was watching through winx with my dad like a month ago and every time bloom called her adoptive parents by their first names i yelled at her lol. she would call Vanessa mama and Mike daddy(if you make a kink joke i will eat your liver). She would call Marion and Oritel mom and dad.  4. Yeah kind of! part of her exhaustion in Dowlland was the fact that she had been in fairy mode for so long, hiking underground, and tossed around in a river like??? anybody would need a pick me up after that. She (and all solarians) do have to live where there’s a lot of natural light as they require a high amount of vitamin d(or the equivalent of it for solarians). short trips usually aren’t a problem, Stella is just hella unlucky in the second season lmao. @moonpeachblossom 5. the short answer as to why she’s a blond (scottish??? in one of the dubs???) in an asian inspired culture/planet is because racism (or not so short bcus its a lot to unpack honestly). the answer in my version however is a pretty simple fix. She bleaches her hair. she’s paler than musa but she aint white.  6. I haven’t really yet!! Helia is struggling with his two fairly opposed cultural influences, trying to figure what he wants and whats right for him. He was raised on Lynphea but had frequent trips to Vaonaa. Lynphea is very grounded, they’re slow and steady and stubborn. Vaonaa is much more flexible, they’re flighty and spontaneous and easily adaptable. Helia’s dads love eachother and helia very much but they are VERY different people and both want different things from Helia(they try not to pressure too much but the expectations are still there). Helia’s Vaonaaj dad wants him to pursue magic, specifically wind or air magic. Helia’s Lynphean dad wants him to become a warrior. Helia feels like he’s kind of a misfit in both Vaonaaj and Lynphean culture. It took a while, but he did finally confide his feelings in Flora and she encouraged him to talk with his dads about finding his niche.  7. oooooooh fun fun relationshipsssss Bloom and Sky: so bloom and sky aren’t the most stable couple, and in my version it would take bloom a little longer to be ok with dating a prince. Bloom is fairly insecure in her relationships because of self worth issues, and tend to run away from problems instead of dealing with them. Sky on the other hand is confident but doesn’t really know how to handle people’s feelings and tends to push confrontation. I do believe that with better writing Sky and bloom could be a dope couple but as is in canon they’re VERY problematic.  Stella and Brandon: babies. they love each other so much its the best omg. Stella finds her worth in her appearance but she always seems to take brandon’s complements in a less.... arrogant way? if that makes sense? like she truly appreciates them and wants his support. i wish we knew more about Brandon but he’s legit such a good boyfriend. I think they fight mostly when Stella is being a little selfish, or when Brandon is too busy to meet her emotional needs. Flora and Helia: MORE BABIES. so Helia is more of a drama queen in the comics but we’ll ignore that for right now lol. Flora and Helia are probably the least problematic couple in the entire show. They met. Flirted a little. Confessed. and started dating with out any major problems. if i can remember correctly they don’t even really fight??? unless icy has frozen helia’s heart or something lol. I think both Helia and Flora’s love language is quality time so they’re fairly low key and just like to be in the same space and each other.   Musa and Riven: boy oh boy. Ok so, ignoring the several times Riven was LITERALLY MIND CONTROLLED his character is still difficult to deal with. I think Musa and Riven are both very intense people, and while that can be super fun and develop into a good relationship, it can also lead to LOTS of problems. I think my major problem with how they broke up was that Musa didn’t support Riven’s training? like i understand being upset you can’t see ur person often, or if they’re really busy, but Riven supported Musa’s music several times in the previous seasons it just seemed weird Musa was so unfairly demanding of him? Tecna and Timmy: nerd babies. They’re super cute honestly. I think Timmy was probably the one to instigate the relationship and bonded with Tecna over technology since she wasn’t super emotionally available at first. They have issues when Tecna is unable to voice her emotions and timmy needs to know what she’s feeling mostly, but after the first few times they’ve both learned to give the other space to figure their stuff out. Aisha and Nabu: ugh perfect couple. minus the kind of sketchy beginning lol. Aisha and Nabu generally don’t fight once they get used to each other. Nabu is a focal point that aisha is kind of bungee corded to if that makes sense? like obvi not in a restricting way. its just Aisha is hella active and needs her own space to explore and grow, but Nabu is her solid ground that she relies on.  Aisha and Nex: i actually don’t hate nex as much as the rest of the fandom lol. so like i said Aisha is an active, independent woman, and if Nabu was a separate, stationary, focal point for her, I think Nex is related, moving, counter point. So like Nex can actually keep up with Aisha, and push her and challenge her. Which isn’t a bad thing in relationships so long as a mutual respect is there.   8. well. canon is a little..... messy. My version of the girls definitely retain their individualism. for other differences... they’re just a little more fleshed out? i guess? like Bloom’s moody behavior in the show i think is because of her insecurity issues, so that plays a part in how i draw her and think of her.  9. ok wow this is gonna be tough well here we go Sky: I think sky is an ESTJ he’s not super emotional(inf Fe) but can lean toward controlling(dom Te). he seems to like tradition and think social promises are important(Si). Brandon: ESFJ. Brandon is the mom friend of the boys ok. He goes along with sky’s crazy plans, tries to subtly set Riven up with musa(season 1 i think?), some how managed to land a social butterfly like Stella and seems to just navigate social situations REALLY easily(dom Fe). he also seems to hate being disrespected or taken for granted(Si) stella does this occasionally.  Timmy: ISFJ???? thats the vibe i get hear me out ok so in season 2 Timmy gets tecna the exact computer part she needs because 1. He knows they both like things to be practical(Si) 2. He knows and remembered the part she was talking about and filed it away in his brain(Ti) and 3. He and Tecna bonded over tech (Fe) Riven: honestly he’s a tough one.... Maybe a really stunted and angry ISFJ? (speaking from personal experience i am an ISFJ) i don’t have a real reason why but riven’s behavior is really confusing in the show so it makes typing tough..... possibly INTJ as well....... Helia: ISFP. Lmao I might be basing this entirely off of stereotypes but helia has a strong pacifist belief and can be moody(Fi, and more in the comics lol) is attuned to his surroundings(Se) seems pretty focused??(Ni) and i can’t think of his Te showing up be it is an inferior  Nabu: ISTJ weirdly a good fit with Aisha(ESTP) tho?? even though he’s an Si dom, he doesn’t go along with the arranged marriage because its not what he believes(Fi) and he’s stubborn about it(Te). Roy: ENFJ honestly just a cutie. He’s personable(Fe), focused for the most part(Ni), and is comfortable in his environment(Se).  Nex: ENTP? maybe?? He’s pretty impulsive and has that “work around” mentality I associate with ENTPs.... idk this one doesn’t seem to fit super well...  Thoren: Maybe INFJ?? i mean thoren honestly doesn’t have a lot of screen time but he’s attentive(Ni), and tries to take care of people(Fe). most of the infj’s i know are fun but weird lol, but i think thoren has anxiety so that could play into him being less “out there” in his behavior.  if any of yall have input on this feel free to let me know. 10. ooooooh good question. So I’m basing these on their parent’s name and the names of people from their planet. Bloom: Hestia or Enya, i also think she got sent to earth with an article of clothing or a blanket that had her name on it, which is why her name is the same lmao Stella: Stella is actually named pretty appropriately considering the other names we have are Luna, Radius, Nova, Chimera, and Casandra, all of those are fairly latin/roman based names.  but she could also be called Clara, Aura, Venus etc. Musa: Her mom and dad have very asian sounding names but the princess of melody is named Galatea, so honestly anything is on the table. Aulos, Hee-Young, Jia Li, Kaida, etc. Tecna: lol everybody on Zenith has ridiculous names so im just loosely basing them off of sciencey stuff. Nobelia, Xenon, Titania. Aisha: I actually really like Aisha’s name! Ayize, Sizani, Mehrbano would work tho. Flora: what even is the naming system of Lynphea i don’t understand it. Im gonna make them vaguely naturey and European-ish?? Calla, Terra, Rowan, Willow, I could go on and on there are so many plant names. 11. Hmmm yeah, so basically in my world a person with TOO MUCH magic gets overwhelmed and kinda goes a little crazy(the ancestral witches) the same thing happens with tritannus when he gets the emperor's throne power. He’s loyal to icy and she to him until he looses his ability to think clearly and turns on icy, icy gets freaked out and leaves with her sisters when they swoop in to rescue her. they don’t so much “break up” as they are “broken up” by the circumstances. In general Tritannus does really like Icy, hes attracted to her ambition and powerful personality. Icy started out just manipulating Tritannus but caught feelings oops 12. Yeah so, humans in general can withstand a lot of wild magic as their body “metabolizes” it quickly. Kalshara(the cat lady you don’t know the name of) used extremely concentrated samples, combined with other spells to keep the wild magic in her body permanently. If a human with out a properly developed magic biome (a lot of earthians only have a low functioning one) get exposed to a wild magic source they would probably gain some aspects of fairy animals, probably not like, fur, or anything but eye and hair color changes, maybe some patterns on the skin. but there’s also the chance that they would just.... die..... cus that happens with animals too lmao sry. @weirdghostly

[houseofvans]

ART SCHOOL | INTERVIEW WITH BRIAN SMITH

Filled up sketchbooks of distorted portraits of passer-bys, mundane objects, personal notes, weird thoughts and meanderings are just a couple things in artist Brian Smith’s sketchbook and works. Textured with black and gray tones, Brian’s drawings are often personal, humorous, and observational. We’re excited to chat with Brian to find out more about his background, drawings, and what he has coming up for the rest of the year. Take the Leap!  

Photographs courtesy of the artist. 

Introduce yourself? My name is Brian Smith, I’m from a town called Hicksville, New York. Now, recently living in Los Angeles, California. I’m currently the sole employee of a warehouse and I like to draw.

What was your introduction to drawing and/or art in general? What were your early influences?  I’d had a babysitter who showed me how to draw actual hands and not just the turkey ones you make when you’re little. That was pretty big for me. It got me interested in figuring out how to draw other things just by looking at them for a bit.  I always had sketchbooks as a kid, and in turn would forget them somewhere. My Nana who was kind of a closet artist would find them and leave little watercolor drawings of shore birds, ladybugs on tall grass, pond habitats etc. That seeded some notion I wouldn’t come to until much later about the intimacy of sketchbooks and how good it feels to give and receive drawings. Early influences would definitely be those two women. There was also a lot of adolescent suburban troublemaking, the inevitable introduction to skateboarding and cartoons like Rocko’s Modern Life and Ren and Stimpy.

How would you describe your work now to someone who is just coming across it?  I generally stumble through an explanation if I’m ever asked.  I recently looked back at like two years of drawings for a show. Seeing a good chunk of what you’ve drawn over a period of time all at once is wild. I still don’t think I’ve got my answer. It’s all kind of vague, sad, funny and personal. I like it to be just so, where people can attach their own meaning to it or ask questions about it.  

How did you find yourself going from maybe keeping a journal to actually getting work creating art or selling artwork?  I’m still getting there.  I think so far those things for me have a mutually beneficial relationship. Drawing in sketchbooks is where I’m most productive.  Everything after that is selected and isolated into its own drawing. That isolated sketchbook drawing might become a print or an image someone wants to buy or use for something which is always great.

How do your ideas take shape? How do you get from start to finish? What’s your process? It’s a total crap shoot haha. Sometimes I’ll blast through something in a night and others, a half inked drawing will sit in a drawer for months before I’m ready to get back into it. I get my ideas from a lot of things and in a lot of different ways though. I have a very distracting internal dialogue from time to time, I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I’ll just hang on a phrase, words that sound funny strung together in a sentence and put it down on paper and save it, maybe draw what it makes me think of later on. This croucher character I started drawing came from a thought I had of how dumb I must’ve looked a few days earlier, scrunched down taking a photo in the city while a wall of people moved around me. 

When are you most inspired? And what is your favorite subjects or things to draw and why? Inspiration strikes at random. I mostly like to draw at night or very early in the morning. I like drawing dogs and people, they’re emotional critters.

What artists inspire you these days?  The artists in my immediate circle at Bill’s Bar (@billsbarla). Those people are constantly creating and progressing. It’s insane.

You moved to LA not too long ago, how has living here influenced your artwork if at all? What do you think about the art community in LA?  I got out here in November. Lots of sketching and a few finished drawings in the bag since then. I’ve got a few ideas that’ll have to cook a bit longer before I figure out what to do with them. It’s definitely been a receptive town for me, showed a bunch of drawings I’d been sitting on and got a nice response. I’ve been to a few art shows and they got me pretty excited on what’s going on and what can be achieved with some elbow grease. 

Tell us about a favorite project or collaboration you’ve done. What kind of challenges do collaborations pose and what do you love about them?  My favorite collaboration has been with Austin England (@mochelife). We started sharing drawings through the mail over a decade ago. We did that for years before we actually met in person 6 or 7 years ago. Now we share a studio space with some other great artists and I’m currently babysitting his dog Lola. Collaborations for me can tend to lead to overthinking. Not always, but sometimes.. and when it gets to that point it’s tricky to dig yourself out and just relax and work with what the other person is doing. I love the whole process of it though, it’s fun and you never know where it’s going to go. You usually learn something new and wind up with something cool. That’s the best.

What was your last adventure that showed up in one of your illustrations, thematically or just visually?  Driving through the midwest. Indescribable. I drew a bunch of roadkill from memory that was pretty fun and weird.

Every artist has a different way of making his or her artist career work. How do you make it work for you? Do you spend time maintaining an online store or just draw when you want when you have free time?  I pretty much draw when I can. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it, which is always tough. I just draw in my sketchbooks, turn those pages into zines or actual finished pieces and let people know they’re for sale on instagram. I haven’t quite dialed in the online store thing just yet, but I’ll get there. Every now and again a drawing job or commission will pop up. 

What advice would you give someone who wants to follow in your footsteps and pursue art? Don’t follow in my footsteps. Go to lots of museums and art shows. Keep a pen in your pocket. Take the extra time to get an image to look the way you want it to. 

What’s your best Art School tip that you want to share with folks?  Don’t write your artist statement in the 3rd person. 

When you aren’t drawing or hustling, what do you do to relax or just stay fresh in life?  Beers, talks, books and walks to relax. Going to a museum, taking a trip and or getting out of the old comfort zone to stay fresh.

What are your favorite style of VANS? I like the white Vans Authentic, especially all worn in and pretty raggedy looking.

Anything you can share that is coming up? I don’t have anything coming up which is nice. Everything’s pretty wide open creatively, so I’m just gonna keep my antennas tuned and try and get productive.

FOLLOW BRIAN | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

[itscinnafox]

Tagged and obliged xD by lovely @geometricalien seriously love your aesthetics and that i’m getting to know you more makes me feel like a creeper ajsgfjasgfjas xD i’m not i swear LOLOL!

1. Why did you choose your url? Cinnafox is my user in AO3....but it's taken in tumblr, so with creative laziness, I came up with : it's cinnafox.

2. Any side blogs? Nope lol. For now.

3. How long have you been on tumblr? Since 2008? I was 14. I had a different URL and went by a different name but I ghosted and poofed from the internet in 2014 until.......2017 came back but different 🤫.

4. Do you have a queue tag? Nope. Don't know how to use it. Too lazy.

I'm also a mess and I like to be a mess lol.

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place? Because there's nice stuff here LOLOL!

It's a safe place for me, as my *cough* love for yaoi, fanfic writing, fanarts etc.... is kept as a secret in real life. So nobody I know in real life here and it's where I get away often from shit I hate :]

Also, I made a lot of new nice buddies here so it's a completely different realm for me (> ;w; <)

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

I change so often lolol. So currently, it's this ::

I really like the friendship between Kuroko and Furihata <3 gossiping about their boyfriends.

7. Why did you choose your header? I also change my header often, as of now, it's this ::

(Taken from here ) 

Based on one of my favourite children's books "Night on the Galactic Railroad" by Kenji Miyazawa, under this passage "Campanella grasped a handful of sand and let it sift through his fingers. “Each grain is like a crystal, with a tiny flame burning inside,” he said dreamily."" I also used this passage for one of my AkaFuri fic "By The Next Sunrise" where they bond over this book XD I just love it so much........I've always had fascinations with trains, airplanes, and boats....just not other vehicles lol. Random story time: I had this airplane toy when I was young with a string attached to it, so it's meant to be swung around like an airplane, but I dragged it often as though it was a dog on a leash because I never had a pet and always wanted one, so the toy was my..pet LOLOL! I have two of it, one is blue and one is red, I named one Perdita and Pongo....... yes, after 101 dalmations xD (I love that so muchhh) LOLOL! Airplane toys are so much cheaper than trains and boats....why ;n;?

8. What’s your post with the most notes? I have a problem.... this happens so often with AkaFuri (KNB) and JeArmin (AOT) *cries* because they’re scarce.

9. How many mutuals do you have? (XD LOL! Rachel, you just made me question this question, what does mutual actually mean?!?!??) 

Uhhh...... mutual of  'i follow you~ you follow me~ and I only admire you from afar' : 30  

Actually spoken to : 8

10. How many followers do you have? 106  I actually do check those that follow me because I have paranoia of people getting into my shit lol, and I do block botty prawn blogs. Those with plain headers/pfp or no content in their blogs, and not really fishy names, I leave them alone as they might actually be people just following for content............ I HOPE?!?!???

11. How many people do you follow? 332   I likey, I follow LOL.  A lot of them are artists and writers from AO3 and even readers of mine that I recognize lol (yes, I remember those that read my stuff because there's so little of you akjsfgajsgfja)

12. Have you ever made a shitpost? An actual question... what is a shitpost?  I never bothered to find out until now.....yes, I googled 'what is shitpost' lol.   So far, no. I don't often talk about my thoughts or rant, even in real life as I've always had issues with expressing myself and giving any opinions as I'm mostly a listener. I also have a tendency to avoid stress and 'runaway' from problems so it's not quite my thing to do (> ‘ ‘ <).

I had, however, rant about homophobes, a simple 'they're terrible people' that's all, terrible people tend to trigger me and I become upset LOL.

Even if they appear on my dash, I mostly just have the opinions in my thoughts, but it's not really things I say aloud unless I trust someone and talk to them 1-1.

13. How often do you use tumblr each day? Sometimes every day, sometimes every other day, sometimes every 2-4 days? If I don't throw my phone somewhere or have the need to just be alone lol. Since I’m mostly sleeping if not working.

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Nope. I'm very lowkey to even have an argument LOL!  (I also can't argue with people..... I get stressed and body aches.)

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts? In what context does this mean? Is it those guilt-tripping or informative post? 

Generally: No. (Except for posts that writers/artists do commission because we all need to live.) 

My answer might sound selfish lol, but I do have my reason for this; I've been through shit in my life for years and it just drained me so much and I got so tired of it? Sometimes, just because I'm aware of shit doesn't mean I have to fight for shit, if I'm done, I'm done. I want my own space in which I live in ignorant bliss lol, real life is bad enough. Here is where I sleep uwu.

Also, it will stir me away from people who would want to pick a fight for whatever reason lolol... there’s just people like these everywhere and in real life, they’re pretty much around me lolol. 

I do, however, initiate private conversation if I do see someone in distress, so I do it more privately than I do publicly.

16. Do you like tag games? Yeap! I really like to get to know people and I actually do remember details lolol! Even though there were tags that I’ve done before, I’m always happy to do it over again, since I age and grow, I may or may not change and I’m also tagged by new people :3 . Also I'm generally secretive but something about this stuff makes me enjoy it? I don't often express myself, so I barely know myself sometimes, so it does make me realize some things about myself that I didn't even know about and just have a thought lol. although I do get a lil unnecessary scared because there’re people I wanna know but i’m shy af to tag them sakjdhajskhdka

17. Do you like ask games? Yep... same as Q.16.

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? Tumblr famous? I don't know(?) they're mostly AO3 famous LOLOL! So when a writer I like follows me, I get sooooooo happy! I'm also shy to follow them at first, but when they do follow me I'm like 'OK! I FOLLOW YOU!' LOLOL! (still have yet to actually talk to some of them >///<...i also wanna tag them but LOLOLOLOLOL XD BUT THEN THEY WILL NOTICE ME AND I WILL CRY) Some are great artists too, but I think they're twitter famous? But I don't have a twitter? (I actually did sign up but I never did anything with it asjhgjhfkasfka) But I guess if they’re AO3 and Twitter famous.... they’re also tumblr famous?

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual? (I agree @geometricalien, this is a bait question, there's a hidden agenda in this. I hope the person got their answer LOLOL!) I don't even have crushes in real life, how will I have a crush even on the internet?  Random info : My first crush lasted for about 5 seconds in high school. My LEGIT crush-crush is my first and only boyfriend LOLOL! 

Tagging @lunap95 because you’re forever curse me with bruh LOL!  @thefrostrihata @ultfreakme @perfectpokemonfan @cheersallthebestgodbless​ @-whoever-else-that-sees-this xD or if you don’t want to is totally fine >w<

[whimsicat]

It’s been a slow day today. After the long and somewhat unpleasant workday yesterday--ten hours for the record--I appreciate the peace today. It’s raining outside. It’s about 9pm as I type this and I have to go for a shift tomorrow from 10am-3pm, which is not bad really. I’m currently addicted to listening to Broadway animatics, particularly Heathers the Musical, and I’m doing okay money-wise and health-wise.

Why is it then that I still feel so sad?

I have this deep, constant sense of feeling lonely. Probably because I am, in truth. I haven’t actually hung out with people my own age in a long, long time, though it’s not as though I’m unpopular or anything at work. It’s like I have a wall up and I can’t seem to fully connect with others. There’s some people I’d be okay with hanging with if they asked, and others that have asked but I’ve declined because I don’t drink alcohol and they usually just want to go drinking--and one girl gave me a strange look when I say I don’t drink, but I’ll go just to talk.

I have friends online, friends that I’ve had for years and years. Some I’ve seen in person, some I haven’t, some I will finally see when I go to a convention in February. That’s exciting. There’s one friend I talk to every day for hours at a time and she’s, unfortunately, also my long-lasting unrequited love.

I don’t really want to say “crush” at this point. i had a “crush” on someone who I’m no longer friends with because we had a falling out, though the conclusion at least was a mutual break off instead of a huge flare of drama. I’ve been in love with this person for around...six years, or so? Most of our friendship, give or take a year.

The problem is, this friend has known of this crush and rejected me around three times over the years. My feelings for them tend to come and go, but it always inevitably returns when my many other crushes in the past get rejected. I’ve written numerous posts on my horrible luck with love so I won’t repeat myself here.

I want to get over her. I do. I want more than anything to get over her. We’re friends first and foremost and have remained friends--unlike with the other person--even when we had a rough patch because of relationship problems and emotional toying. We’re perfectly fine again, now, more or less. It’s not awkward or anything. We’re regularly up to around 3-5am talking. Just...talking.

We both like to write, though she claims I’m the better writer. We make up entire stories and write back and forth to each other, RP’ing our own OCs in grand, elaborate plots. It’s almost always somehow romantic, especially our current magical school storyline. 

Gods, the amount of romance we’ve written. I forget sometimes I don’t know how a kiss or a hug or anything actually feels, that I’m just writing my assumptions on it, or copying how other people describe it. Writing two characters in loving relationships kinda makes my pain feel better, but inevitably it’s like over-indulging in some kind of substance, because my misery as the recollection hits me that I still haven’t had a single person date me before despite multiple efforts, leaves me teary-eyed. Some nights, it’s outright crying.

But the cycle continues.

My friend’s told me before about how she doesn’t think love is for her, or how she wonders if relationships will ever work out for her, after the failure of her last one. 

I want to scream. Make some kind of grand romantic gesture. What are you talking about?! I’ve loved you for years!! Let me show you how much someone loves you!

But she already knows my feelings. And still will not date me, despite being close friends with me. I simply don’t understand it. But I don’t want to sit around trying to change her mind. I just want to get over her then. Get over her so I don’t beat myself up again and again, wondering why I’m not good enough, wondering why my best friend bemoans her relationship luck yet simultaneously won’t even test what it’s like to date me. 

I remember once a while back, I broke down, asking why not? Please, why?

She admitted to not having an answer. 

That’s kind of...worse. It made me feel terrible. Why? She didn’t even know. My best friend doesn’t know why no one wants to date me, including her. I don’t either. So I just sit here second-guessing everything about myself. Looks, personality...something fundamentally broken that no one will ever be able to find. A glitch in the system. A factory error. A malfunction.

My friend’s been out all day today, having an actual life. I’m curled in bed with my laptop wishing I looked different or my voice was cute, or at least that I didn’t laugh like a hyena.

It’s misery like I can’t describe. I’ve written long posts on this subject but no matter how many times I try to put heart to words, nothing properly explains it.

Tonight, I think, I will write a lot on it. Just get it all out. So maybe I’ll repeat myself after all. Maybe something will connect on the off-chance someone reads this, and understands even a little of what I’m going through.

Or perhaps it’s just a way to pass time. Either works.

I suppose you could call me ungrateful for my gift. I love writing, and plots, and everything therein. I like to analyze movies and video games and I smile with excitement when something’s clever and and gleefully mock something when it’s terrible; this makes my older sister complain that I never enjoy anything because I examine it too much, but that’s not true. I enjoy things deeply when they’re good. And I pick apart things I like, even. It’s just what I do. She’s a counselor, so I point out it’s my version of analyzing people all the time, and she actually did acknowledge my point, so that’s something.

Anyway, why am I ungrateful? Because no one cares about writing. My parents sure don’t. They’ve never read a single thing I’ve created, not school assignments, not original work, and of course (I don’t expect them to) not fanfiction. My siblings don’t really read my fanfics and stuff either, though they’re more encouraging and will at least let me talk to them about my stories. My little sister--gods bless her--will talk with me at length about it. 

I’m also a bit jealous of her.

She’s a wonderful, wonderful artist. I’m so happy she’s so talented. I show my friends her stuff when she posts online and I commission her (though she’s baffled as to why I think I should pay her when we’re family) but it’s my way of supporting her. Not only that, but she talks to me about her own ideas, about a web comic she wants to do, and I love her stories. So original and charming.

I wish I had her talent.

No one really wants to read my stories. I’ve sent them to people. My older sister read a few chapters of something but dropped it and never started the second thing. But if I was an artist, all I’d have to do is show someone a picture and they could gush over it. Like when my parents coo over my little sister’s art. But my parents never once read my stuff. They just tell me “you’re going to be a famous author one day” but couldn’t tell anyone what I even like to write.

I’m a good writer. I think this much. I just wish I wasn’t. I wish I could draw as well as I write. I wish when I was younger I decided to pick a pencil up instead of reading books and wanting to write sweeping tales.

What was I thinking.

I never know what my younger self was thinking.

If there was one thing in my life I could change, just one, I would want to wave a magic wand and make myself a social butterfly. Ever since I was bullied in 7th grade, I’ve had a rough time connecting with others. Everything was beautiful my freshman year, but when we moved to another state (again) and I ended up in a tiny country town in Missouri, I became so apathetic and pained from losing everything again--because my father was in the military, we moved every 2-3 years--that I shut down. I finally gave up. And I dropped out of high school, only getting my G.E.D. years later. I have my Associate’s now and I’m going for my Bachelor’s in Sociology, with the intention of doing case-management and other work like that, but...gods. I wish I could go back and make myself social. Create high school memories that don’t suck. I was bullied in tenth grade and I dropped out in eleventh. Tenth grade in particular was horrible.

All of this stays with me. I just wish I could be charming. I’m apparently pretty funny according to my coworkers, but anxiety and depression and suicidal impulses have dogged me all my life. Like now. I’m always worried.

You will never meet someone who likes herself less, and I’ll tell you exactly why that is. As stated before, I’m 22 years old and I can’t get a date. No one has ever held my hand before. Even online, I’ve never had people confess to me. I’ve certainly confessed to other people, several times, but I always get let down.

So look back. I bet, to whomever may be reading this, you have some kind of relationship experience. It may not be the best, but you can look back on the excitement of a first kiss or a first love, when it was beautiful in the early stages; (or, if you’re still dating, now). I don’t have that. I don’t have any positivity associated with the word “love”.

And yet, I crave it desperately. It’s become almost like a mythological concept to me. Love, nirvana, heaven. A destination that I will one day reach if I do something, something, something.

And you know what happens, right?

I look back on every rejection and I crumble a little inside. Why not? What’s wrong with me? The first time, sure, she was out of my league and I knew it. At least she was nice about it. But what about after that...? And after that? How many times will I be rejected? Why not? Why not me? What’s wrong with me? What do I have to change, who do I have to become?

One person confessed to me. They even asked me to date them. My biggest regret in life so far is not saying yes. I was afraid, due to our somewhat complex, differing views on a lot of subjects, that we’d not be good for each other that way, though at the time we were good friends. I was afraid that I’d say yes just to date someone and not out of love, and I thought they deserved someone who loved them wholeheartedly. My friends told me not to date them. They said it’d be nothing but drama because of this particular person’s reputation. In the end all of these conflicting points had me think I probably wasn’t ready to date, and they deserved better, so I said the truth: I don’t think I know what love is, I’m sorry, I need some time. They were extremely nice about it. Understanding.

They’ve since moved on to a new crush. Someone near them. I wish them so much luck. I just wish I had said yes then. That I had given it a try. Because that was about two years ago and no one has ever said I love you since.

Maybe that was it. My one shot. And I missed it. Now I’m sighing and casting longing looks at my best friend and wishing she’d look my way and realize I know her so, so, well, better than anyone, and we could be good. I know we could. 

I just wish I was...something. Cooler. Prettier. I wish sometimes I had a different skin tone, that I was taller or not flat-chested. I never feel like a girl or a boy so I suppose that makes me nonbinary, but I don’t care about gender in the slightest. Hi, hello, I’m pansexual and I just want to like someone for who they are. Boys and girls are cute, and anything else. I can find something cute about anyone.

I wonder if I could be beautiful. If I were beautiful, maybe someone would look my way for once.

What if I let my hair grow out, if I got piercings or put on makeup for once. What if I stopped wearing Zelda shirts and carried name-brand purses, or learned how to walk without looking down or away when I pass people. What if I figured out how to be pretty in the way someone wants?

I wish and I hope that it’s something as simple as my appearance when it comes to my lack of “real-life” romance. Someone will at least look my way if I’m beautiful.

But I know...the problem is just...”me”. Because online, it’s just the same thing. No matter how warm and supportive I am, how much we talk, how much we have in common. I get the same message back, the same gentle voice on a call or video chat: “Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

My most hated phrase. I’ve heard it from everyone.

The problem is just “me”. And how can I change that? I’ve tried. For years, I’ve tried. I’ve...given up.

My biggest fear is that I’m going to turn 25 and be out of college or just about, and I still won’t know what it’s like to have someone call me their girlfriend. That I’ll never know what sex feels like, or a kiss, or have someone get all giddy because we’re having a date that night and they’re nervous, and I can see it in their eyes.

The feeling is oppressive. Humbling. Sobering.

I want to be beautiful and wanted. Instead you’ll see me living vicariously, writing romantic fanfiction and (hopefully, if I decide to live that long) adventurous fantasy stories with a dash of romance. Escapism for some poor teen in a miserable high school, trying to find someplace better, just like I did.

I told my friend I think I’m over them because I thought if I wrote it, maybe she’d believe it, but I don’t think she did. I also thought maybe I could convince myself of the fact. We’re going to see each other at the con in February with some friends. The worst part is I don’t know how I’ll be.

I’ll hug her for sure. I just hope I don’t do anything stupid. Life isn’t like a manga. She won’t magically change her feelings because I kissed her or something reckless. I’d more likely ruin the weekend. I entertain silly thoughts, but nothing will happen. I know I can control myself. It’ll be nice just to see her...

I used to wonder if maybe she just didn’t want to ruin our friendship in case we broke up. But then she casually mentioned on a call once about how one of her friends going with us to the con is also an ex. I felt my heart twist at that. So it’s not that. She still has friends who she used to date.

It’s just me.

Again.

She doesn’t want to date me.

I know it sounds so dramatic. I know. But I love her. I love her. I love her more than anyone I’ve ever had feelings for, and I’ve known her for years. She’s not dating now and I’m always lowkey hoping she’ll have an epiphany one day. That she’ll wake up after we talked to 6am again and think about how we laugh at the same things, about our joke where we both say “I was just thinking that!” That maybe she’ll feel something.

But at the same time I’m not. I just want to get over her if she won’t change her mind. I don’t want to be bitter toward her. if she doesn’t love me I can’t say I blame her.

i just want to fall for someone who can give me a reason why she loves me. Who’ll say something instead of “I don’t know” when I ask why?

I want someone to look at me and say, “Angel, you’re beautiful.”

And I want to believe them.