#which is v obvious in hindsight tbh ...

[alistair-blackwood]

yeah so it turns out when you take an unapologetic eugenicist and give him a sympathetic backstory where he's been uwu traumatized you get a lot of people unironically defending a eugenicist. yeah it's because he's hot. yeah they're saying he has girlhood rage

[sanstropfremir]

I remembered an ask you got talking about how exo got really successful so quickly they didn't really get a chance to branch out and develop artistically, so I wanted to ask you about your thoughts on the members as solo artists since they all have atleast a solo album out (you might as well include exo sc since they got to put their own ideas in everything) and all of them were allowed to have a say in things creatively from lyrics,concept and packaging if they wanted too, especially since all their music except for the ballad singers is so different from each other

also wanna know if you were completely surprised with a member like a performance or a concept was something you'd never imagine them doing

omg did i???? i don't even remember my own asks anymore at this point sldkfsdlkfjl. i don't even know if i agree with my own statements there in the first place since exo has done a pretty wide variety of concepts over their lifetime as a group. ....WAIT i think this is about the kai v taemin ask re: image, where i said that kai hasn't been a solo artist for as long so there hasn't been the same type of exploration of image the way taemin has done. i think that is a fair point to extrapolate across to the rest of the exos, since none of them (except for yixing, he's a bit closer to taemin) have been soloists for very long, comparatively, and they all started as adults. personally i think it's a lot more apparent with their solo endeavours that they're confident in their artistic personas and personal tastes, and that comes across in the ones who have multiple releases. yixing is the one with that's shown the most variation, because he's been a soloist the longest, but i do still think that his stuff has some pretty obvious artistic fingerprints and consistency on it. he's matured a lot and in a very specific direction now, but you can see the genesis of a lot of his style early on.

as far as my personal opinions of all of their work goes, i do like that sm chose to debut them solo later in life. i'm sure it was an annoyance to the members themselves, but i think there's a benefit to being older and having a clearer sense of artistic identity and a long time to sit on ideas. it's hard to churn out solo work at the speed to match kpop turnovers and sitting on something so it can be exactly how you want it is good, actually. i like that kai's debut was really delayed bc it meant that there was a LOT of work put into it, and it shows. and i like that he took a full year for the first cb too. it was really clear to me that suho sat with grey suit for probably the entire time he was in the military, bc he came out rip-roaring with an incredibly well put together cb. the exos that have put out more solo work pretty clearly want to and care about what they're putting out, which i think is exactly how it should be. i don't listen to all of them equally, but the ones that get the most plays for me right now are baekhyun, suho, and xiumin. and then sc, probably.

i think my most dramatic surprise was by hurdle, actually. in hindsight it makes a lot of sense with where he's arrived after coming out of the military, but i wasn't expecting something so stylized from him, since he was tending towards the sort of artsy ballad type. tbh suho's discog is very artistically consistent and i can trace the things he's interested in visually, which i didn't even realize until i went back and watched the let's love mv and the dinner station. his stuff tends towards a more melancholy tone so that's why hurdle surprised me so much, because it's much more upbeat, but i think it stylistically matches with grey suit in a weird way (it's probably the colour matching). maybe next would be peaches? but that was mostly because i didn't like ANY of the songs on the album, which i'm still kinda disappointed about bc i really liked almost everything off mmmh. i wasn't that surprised by any of the visuals. sc is pretty much exactly what it says on the tin, chen's ballads are pretty typical also. i wasn't that surprised by kyungsoo's solo even though a lot of people were, because i was already kind of expecting him to do a ballad solo so rose wasn't that far off (and kind of preferable, personally). xiumin's was exactly what i wanted from him and i have zero complaints. uh who am i forgetting................oh baekhyun. nothing surprising about his discog, although i WAS surprised by how good bambi was. like he did not have to do that kind dance performance and nor was i expecting him to, but damn. honestly i'm still surprised every time i watch the mv.

[cadopan]

I agree with you that midfield is the place where the most intense fight would be! Barca's midfielders are just insane and not only they have the technical skills, speed and physique! Barca loves to score and i think transition is the most vulnerable moments for them, as often 70% of barca players would be on the opponent's half. I think I'd prefer speedy and strong players in the team, to give the most intense battle between barca and all star team lol

So here it is, my dream line up Avengers style

P. Harder V. Miedema

S. Dabritz Ji So-Yun F. Maanum C. Macario

A. Lawrence M. Errikson W. Renard E. Carpenter

S. Labbe

Tbh i mostly follow wsl teams (plus lyon) since their games are the most accessible to international fans, thanks to FA player. So i don't know much about bundesliga players, to include them.

It has been my wildest dream to see harder and viv play together lol they're clinical, intelligent and dangerous. Imo they often carry their teams on their back, they are the game changer players and can ensue chaos even on their own. In midfield, i just love macario. Good technique, pace, strong and great set piece delivery. Young and will just get better as she goes. Tbh i was tempted to put DvD & cascarino into my midfield but as you said, it would be lyon & friends lol for the defense, i currently love carpenter and lawrence. Boy, they're both so explosive on the flanks and deliver good crosses too. When lawrence got red card vs lyon, i still can't believe how fast she ran and successfully caught up with mallard (tho in hindsight, maybe it's best she didn't cause psg defense was doomed without her). And for the keeper, endler might be the most obvious choice, but labbe really impressed me in olympics. The way she smiled menacingly during penalty shootout was the highlight of the match lol

whoo, another dream lineup to counter the supreme Barca team!

and wow, you really prioritised pace and physical attributes in those choices HAHA. in fairness, it's a great plan.

plus that's a deadly looking front two lol. i wonder how Harder & Miedema would complement each other, which would be doing more providing and which would be finishing. interesting to imagine it, since we'll likely never get to see it in reality.

Dabritz was one of my considered picks too! liked her since she was at Bayern.

your defence looks invincible too; none of them look like they'd get bullied :') i too love how rapid Lawrence and Carpenter are, plus they rarely look out of energy even though they constantly bomb up and down the flanks. really hope we can see them in the WSL at some point, although that means there'd have to be a vacancy in either Chelsea or Arsenal...

sidetracking, but the WSL really can't aspire to be the most exciting and competitive league (like the EPL) if the other teams don't get closer to the top two. the rest are competitive amongst each other, but Chelsea and Arsenal just blow everyone out of the water. maybe in a few more years.

and finally, Labbe is a good shout. she was a menace (as i wasn't rooting for Canada haha) and a mental monster, but at the end of the day Endler is just a class of her own.

[professorspork]

i know I always say this, but, last night REALLY WAS the BUSIEST OF DAYS in the Reaper War

before I get into yesterday’s gameplay, I realized I forgot to react to the fact that Jacob got Brynn pregnant, which -- again, I suppose that wraps up everything about his backstory in a nice little bow, lad of the bad dad gets to be good dad, but like... it still gives like they gave his character incredibly short shrift. so. humbug to that.

but I have bigger fish to fry (ha ha, literally, see what I did there?) because ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE, AND ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. I rescued Ann Bryson, and learned that -- shocker -- she had a bad relationship with her dad. I uh may have condoned her getting a bit of a nasty nose bleed in order to track the Leviathan to Despoina, where as ever I got to read a bunch of people’s weirdly specific sad diaries. my jump into the depths was very cool and scary (does no one get the bends in the future???) and I enjoyed my The First-style body swapping conversation with the Leviathan in which I tried to prove I’m ~special and this time is ~different. on the one hand, I don’t know why I expected the origin of the Reapers to be anything other than yet another story of AI gone wrong, but this whole cinematic parallels thing is starting to edge out of “everything matches up and is of a piece” territory and into the murkier waters of “we kind of only had one idea, actually.” to reveal that the Reapers’ plan is just stray AI code to ‘preserve life’ is at once very chilling and a bit of a let down; when I think back to when I talked to Sovereign for the first time and I had my initial “GOD IS A MACHINE THAT WANTS TO KILL US” freak out, I was in fact very on board for an evil plan too broad and complex for a human mind to fathom. for it to be this feels kind of predictable and pedestrian.

that said, watching the Leviathan take down a huge-ass Reaper capital ship with its pulse signal was very satisfying.

oh no this is going to get very long, now that you’ve had this fun teaser i’m gonna put the rest under a cut

then we kicked it on over to Thessia and I highkey traumatized my girlfriend. I feel like I should have seen the reveal that the asari were more advanced because they were hoarding prothean tech coming, but I didn’t. hearing and seeing all the asari commandos helping me get wiped out was a real gut punch, but didn’t hold a candle to my frustration at the confrontation with Kai Leng. I’m not mad that the game wouldn’t let me beat him, per se (though I still think it’s ridiculous that I’ve taken down a Reaper by myself and I’m supposed to be afraid of a dude with a knife), but I am pissed that it all happened with combat cut scene magic. this game has given me difficult combat before! if, in fighting Kai Leng, I’d genuinely felt outmatched, I think I would have tolerated it better -- or if the combat had been me fighting the Harvesters and then Kai Leng sneaked around me because that’s what he does, he sneaks. but to have such a relatively easy combat sequence with him that felt very much like winning just to have it snatched away from me... maddening. WHY CAN’T I BEAT THIS ONE GUY AND HIS KNIFE? I don’t want to be all “Kai Leng is a Mary Sue” but like... he got to murder Thane and then beat me in overtime, and his entire vibe is I exist to sell action figures even though that’s not, as far as I know, any part of Mass Effect’s profit model. so it’s just frustrating. and for them to then rub salt in the wound and have him EMAIL ME to be like “lol snowflake r u triggered” was just. MY PATIENCE IS THIN, ME3. DON’T PUSH ME.

seeing Shepard have to admit to failure was a gutting scene, though, and a necessary one. and watching Liara fight with Javik was highkey satisfying, too. 

so anyway, because i was BIG MAD at Cerberus I tracked them first to that one N7 communications mission-- 

(Sample dialogue: Helen: Why aren’t you using cover? You’re going to die! Use cover! Me, jumping out of cover and rushing Cerberus goons trying to melee them to death: BECAUSE I’M MAD)

-- and then to Sanctuary, and HOO BOY WAS THAT A LOT OR WHAT. from the second I heard Oriana’s voice I had a pretty good idea of what was going on here, but seeing in in practice was still creepy af. and like. i’m just gonna go out on a limb and say INDOCTRINATION BAD. I AM NOT A FAN. shout out to that one capitalist volus on the Citadel who was like “lol sanctuary is a scam don’t waste your money” i guess

additionally, last night was significant because I picked not one but TWO ENTIRE renegade convince options, because I saw no reason to be nice to terrorist daddy the illusive man or actual terrorist daddy Mr. Lawson. after I got through all that, Helen explained to me how difficult it apparently is to keep Miranda alive by the end of that confrontation, so I got to do some WHAT LIKE IT’S HARD? preening at how Nice Sheps Finish First sometimes. 

but as usual, the real highlight is getting to know my crew better and talking with them. I finally got some prime flirting in with Liara during Leviathan. it was VERY cute when she was like “man what’s with you rescuing damsels from dig sites? if you end up teaming up with her to save the world and bring down the shadow broker i’ll be very jealous. ... and concerned” and WEIRDLY CUTER when she was like “hey the only tentacled alien who gets to mess with your brain is ME” because Liara is like 115 by now considering how slowly i’m getting through these missions and she still does not know what romance is. 

[no but seriously, Liara does not know what romance is. half the time I’m still going WE’RE STILL DATING, RIGHT? every time she refuses to talk to me. and even after Thessia, when everyone was like “go talk to Liara, she needs you” and even JAVIK of all people was like “you’re dating Liara, right? it’s so obvious” our interactions did not feel particularly... romantic? it’s a tricky needle to thread, obviously, I’m not looking for sloppy makeouts right after millions of her people died, but it still reads as very odd to me. anyway.]

Javik’s story about how he once had a ship like the Normandy and a crew of friends like mine and they all ended up indoctrinated and he had to personally slit their throats went way harder than I ever expected it to. even just the IDEA of having to do that as my Shep upsets me. i’m legit enjoying getting to know Javik, even though i’m still GuessWhoJustGotYelledAt.jpg every time I leave his room. I HAD ENOUGH OF THAT FROM KREIA, JAVIK, YOU’LL NEVER PUSH ME AWAY.

I was surprised by how hard Tali took Miranda’s successful challenge of Mr. Lawson, though in hindsight it makes sense -- with the geth war still happening on top of everything else, I don’t think Tali ever did get the chance to process her anger at her dad being a war criminal and all. and her whole “emergency induction port” bit about the straw was cute as hell tbh. her friendship with Garrus over the comms continues to give me life. 

(in other quarian news, I AM SAD ABOUT KAL’REEGER.)

and jeff. JEFF. after Thessia i literally ran to the bridge and said aloud “Jeff, make me feel better” as I clicked interact with him, and then he made that dig about asari dancers, and i was like NO NOT LIKE THAT. (I mean, what Shep literally said was “now’s not the time for jokes” which is ironic considering she, unlike me, still calls him JOKER) but then he was all DAD ANDERSON SAID I’M SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, I’M SORRY, I’M DOING MY BEST and like. what a fucked up little family we are. he feels guilty that I died saving him, still! apparently he asks EDI about my stress levels and they are BAD and he feels BAD! im crey. OH AND ALSO THE FACT THAT PTSD ASARI LAURA BAILEY WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS FAMILY ON TIPTREE AND I CAN NEVER TELL HIM BECAUSE THE GAME DOESN’T LET ME DO THAT???? V UPSETTING.

and then of course EDI had to TRIPLE DOWN on all these feelings i was already having by telling me about human resistance and selflessness on Earth and how she wants to turn off her self-preservation code because she’s not about that. I’M SUCH A TOASTER FUCKER HALP.

Garrus being all “well sometimes your best friend gives you a pep talk” speech was cute as hell, and I was strangely charmed when Kaidan was like YOU CAN TELL I’M EXTRA MAD BECAUSE MY VOICE HAS GOTTEN SO DEEP grumbling.

next up: shore leave, and then going after Cerberus will trigger act 3! i may one day finish mass effect after all!

[ohkimani]

tbh.

Besides the obvious decisions I’ve had to make, the biggest decision I’ve made as an adult is dedicating my time to living and growing as an actual adult as opposed to spending my time fighting an endless fight on Taylor Swift’s behalf like I used to.

Though I would still go to hell and back for her, I just...have better things to do. 

For instance, valuing my career and future over a multimillionaire who has not only her own but her great-grandchildrens’ futures figured out financially just seems far more important to me now.

Taylor has laid the foundation for so many young artists in ANY field to succeed and have their art valued, as it should be. I love the idea that there have already been so many thriving musicians succeeding because they were encouraged and inspired by Taylor's strength.  I love the idea that there are women in different fields who may have at least an extra ounce of strength within themselves to fight for the greatness, rewards, and respect they deserve.

However, in my time, spending countless hours, days, weeks, months, and years fighting for a woman who, in the end, doesn’t need to be fought for feels almost....humiliating?

 I’m grateful for every second I’ve ever gotten to speak to Taylor and even share the same air as her. yet in the back of my head, i have always thought back to how many nights I've sorted through some mean, sometimes racist, threatening, and discouraging messages because a woman made music that i deeply appreciated.

The social media aspect of Taylor's relationship with her fans has always struck me as bittersweet (as it has most of her fans). I made my first Tumblr account about two years before Taylor joined, forgot the password to that account, then made a new account exactly a week BEFORE she began her first bunch of unbelievable interactions with fans. 

I had the privilege of briefly experiencing genuine and warm feelings that came with everything every fan posted. though it was such a brief time, I got to know what it felt like to be a part of a real online fandom. It wouldn't be another 5, almost 6 years until I find this feeling again upon reactivating my twitter account (where Taylor's eye hardly reaches) 

Amidst these 5 years, I would find myself almost collecting badges of approval from Taylor, and finding that these badges would provide me an image of invalid importance in the eyes of numerous people which happenstance would find me in the presence of. 

One blog would continuously be spammed with likes from Taylor which drew me to an entirely different blog. With this blog, I would face the same supportive spam though coupled with (in hindsight, well deserved) anonymous hate and scrutiny. By the time I had settled onto the third blog (which had been there all along, just not as active) I was smart enough to figure out the formula.

I discovered the simplicity of what not only attracts Taylor's heart but her fans/followers. [this part is incredibly blunt and I would very much appreciate if there was just like....understanding about how undiplomatic I could possibly state this] Something short, particularly sweet, relevant, including the word “y’all” at least once, and rapid-fire posting. That was it. It wasn’t self reblogging constantly. It was posting what you knew everyone wanted to read and repost for themselves. That’s not to say it wasn’t what I actually felt. God knows i said these things MULTIPLE times before I actually posted them. I just knew everyone else could relate.

Pretty soon, this all got to my head (if the above paragraph wasn’t obvious enough). My follower count skyrocketed, Taylor herself was a frequent active follower and all I had to do was abandon my sense of self, devote myself to everything she said and did, and i was in her good favor. simple enough-- right?

It wasn’t until after I started paying attention to my own life that I realized where my priorities should be. Not only that, I noticed something incredibly immature, and VERY human about myself: I had abandoned my one source of validity, and in finding others receiving this attention, jealously racked my nerves beyond comprehension. 

Luckily, I didn’t deal with this jealousy in the way most people do where they take it out on others. I, instead, began focusing on what made me who I was beside my passion for Taylor Swift and everything she has ever done in her life. I began to give myself the same love and support I used to give Taylor and when I transferred that energy, I found that valuing the validation her brief moments of attention used to give me wasn’t a bad thing at all. V

aluing the fact that her eyes wandered to my tiny corner of the earth every now and THAT small act giving me new confidence for months to come, didn’t make me less of a person. It made me a lost person.

Embracing the fact that I used to have Taylor's attention--and that this was actually important to me and my self-esteem--became the breaking point I needed to know that I was me before I was a Taylor Swift fan. Embracing this allowed me to love me even more because I knew I had that love to give, I just needed to know where that love belonged.

I’m incredibly drunk and every time I’ve been drunk these last few weeks, I’ve thought about how to formulate these thoughts into something cohesive. I guess this is supposed to serve as a statement to the many anons I’ve received asking why I don’t talk about Taylor as much or even why I’m not as active anymore.

I am well aware no one will read this but I felt it was important for myself (and my blog for that matter) to be laid out as plainly as possible. 

A rich white woman does not need my help living her life any easier and I think she knows that.

I love you and hope you love you as much as I do 

xoxo

[mysterylover123]

BNHA Rewatch: Season 1 Episode 6 “Rage, You Damn Nerd”

mysterylover123

Episode 6, with the best most hilarious title ever! Tells you exactly what you’re in for.

Finally, Bakugo’s reaction! I seriously was waiting through all three episodes for this. Like a Hitchcockian bomb under the table. Almost literally!

Bakugou .exe has stopped working.

Aizawa starts his pattern of lying to Class A to get them to do their best. He kinda stops doing this after a while, I’m guessing because it doesn’t take lying anymore, just let Wonder Duo go running off at the mouth and they’ll do the job just as well.

Momo’s first line! I think we’re introduced to her in a method meant to make her seem a bit smug and condescending, which is interesting - Momo has a similar trajectory to Bakugou in some ways, introduced as Hot Shit and embarrassment used to break that ego, so this is important to keep in mind.

Aizawa and All Might seemed like they were gonna have a rivalry in early drafts and that got dropped. Anyway, I’m noting the timeline here, as All Might drops the info that this is April 8 (April Fool’s day was Last Week).

The friendship trio forms! Yay! (BTW I ship Uraraka and Iida, if you didn’t know.) We get a quick sum up of life at UA (sob why can’t my school be more like this) and then transfer on to the start of the Battle Trial Arc. Here it goes!

Everyone’s in costume! I figured I’d use my fave Costumes for my ranker today, so I’ll comment on them below. (BTW I loved this arc a lot the first time around. I adored how perfect it feels as a simulated Heroes v Villains exercise.)

All the detailed info on designing costumes and enrolling quirks is another thing I enjoy about BNHA; it feels like such a well-realized world, probably the most fully realized one I’ve encountered in some ways. Horikoshi is so obsessive over details, I love it.

And it actually serves as a means to illustrate character. Since they designed the costumes themselves, everyone’s choices tell you a little something about who they are. I think that both Deku and Kacchan’s costumes are designed to look like All Might’s - both have pointy hoods like his spiky hair, both have metal gear around the neck, etc. They look alike, yet opposite.

Deku’s first costume is so doofy looking, though. And it’s kind of symbolic of his whole issue at this point: he wants too badly to be like All Might, so he covers up his own face with a mask that has this weird, distorted fascimile of All Might’s hair and smile. He really needs to up that confidence! 

This is followed by an adorable sequence of All Might trying to be a teacher and explaining the rules of the BTA. I totally empathize with All Might here; starting at a new job like this can’t be easy. (now I’m thinking about the “Even Idiots Can be Teachers” joke in Episode 52 and laughing)

I wish there was more to comment on with the BTA teams. A few of them feel important. Kaminari and Jirou, of course; one of my ships, they hang out a lot. Also , Ojiro/Tooru, and Tsuyu/Tokoyami get teamed up here (but not Momo and Shoto or Kiri/Mina, so I refuse to call it a shipping pattern). Ashido and Aoyama have a bit of a rivalry going on that starts here. Everyone else’s is pretty random.

And now the fated showdown of destiny! Well, the first time, anyway. I could watch these two fight all day. The whole series could just be them fighting each other back and forth and yelling while YSR plays and I’d be fine.

Bakugou is so salty about Deku! The first time around, of course, he just comes across as an asshole. Rewatching it though, it does seem fairly reasonable to be pissed off that Deku’s apparently been lying to him this whole time (because he doesn’t know about OFA, and Deku didn’t even both to lie to him like he did to his mom), and they are fighting in an organized combat mission, so his behavior here makes total sense in hindsight. Amazing how that character development works.

Uraraka is initially really blase about doing well. in hindsight, I think one of her flaws (at this stage, anyway) was that she basically didn’t know what she wanted and pretty much coasted on Deku (she says as much during the sports festival). She gets over that quickly, but flaws make good characters, so I wanted to point it out.

Incoming Deku “Kacchan Sugoi” moment #1. I love this little twist, too, on the way we perceive Deku. He doesn’t want revenge on Katsuki or something like that. He wants to beat him (”the incarnation of victory”). Deku is not some frail flower needing protection from the world. Don’t let his cuteness fool you.

Deku is so effing cool here, TBH - brilliant, tactical, strong, and brings his rival down to earth by judo-tossing him. Damn, the animation on Baku hitting the floor though, you can feel that impact. No wonder he was so pissed! (Deku’s strategic mind is one of my favorite things about him. Also the symbolism in Baku blasting away part of his All Might mask! 1/2 of the whole!)

“From now on, Deku is the name of my hero!” Once again that trio of foil-y ness between Deku, Kacchan and Uraraka. I wonder if it’s a relic of when the series was originally gonna be them as a trio, a la Naruto/Harry Potter/etc, so they were designed to all foil each other in some way? It’s not as much in the series proper, but it’s interesting nonetheless. Also, You Say Run! Down the bottle! (3rd episode in a row).

In sum, I love this episode. Costumes! All Might teaching! The Battle Trial Arc! Bakugou being crazy (I mostly gush over Deku a lot, but I love Kacchan too. Crater-sized faults and all). And of course, all of the...

BKDK Corner:

Cute flashbacks! Adorable flashbacks are adorable. Little Bakugou is so arrogant; if he was an adult he would be insufferable, but because he’s just a kid it’s cute.

Now to get into a little analysis! This ep marks the first time we actually delve into the depths of Bakugou’s psyche, and basically to sum it up: He’s scared of Deku because he deep down knows that Deku is better than him, fearing that Deku will surpass him, and doesn’t understand why. It’s amazing how the characters introduced at this part of the series as simple archetypes (relatable hero, bully, nice girl, uptight boy) become so complex as the series goes on. Not to be taken at face value.

Uraraka changing the meaning of Deku is another moment that parallels the Deku/Kacchan and Deku/Ochaco dynamics. Again, I’m not sure what that means in the long run, only that paralleling Izuku’s romance subplot with his main rivalry has interesting implications.  

“So, you know Bakugou? He’s kind of mean to you, right?” ‘“Yes but he’s also super amazing special awesome and cool and did I mention amazing? Let me present my eighty page thesis to you on why Kacchan is cool.” OK, exaggerating. But it is interesting how much Deku admires and looks up to Kacchan despite him being such a jerk, so seemingly the opposite of what Deku wants to be as a hero. Basic 2 sides/same coin stuff, of course. Kacchan has all the self-assurance, power and pride that Deku lacks (at least at this point).

Deku speaks fluent Kacchan and predicted exactly what he would do. He knows his S/O so well. 

“I took notes on all amazing heroes, including you” Subtle, Deku. Wanna make your crush a little more obvious? (also check out the BNHA smash comic of this, where he takes it up a notch and reveals what a full-blown stalker he actually is).

This is definitely their lowpoint of antagonism, though. This early part of the series, where they’re both mad at each other. I do think that Deku never really hated Bakugou, though; he hates things about him, but not him as a person. (Deku is way too forgiving.)  Bakugou hated him, but I think that’s fading away in the current timeline (so weird, the last time we saw these two in the manga they were chilling on a couch together and drinking tea. Such a crazy contrast with rewatching this!)

Best Girl of the Episode: Kyoka Jiro!

more info on her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7FVXWFFm4w&t=481s 

Ranker: Favorite Hero Costumes

5. Nejire Hado’s!

I’m not sure why, but she has one of my favorite costumes of the whole series. it looks so good on her, it’s simple and tells you who she is.

4. Izuku Midoriya’s (3.0)!

Deku’s third costume is amazing and looks cool. It’s sleek and powerful and badass, somehow taking that dopey baseline design and turning it awesome.

3. Camie Utsushimi’s!

It’s so simple yet so great. Bodysuit, white boots and that awesome Shiketsu hat. Yet it works. It looks cool, even with the boob window.

2. Katsuki Bakugo’s!

It’s so ridiculous and yet so perfect. Exactly what you’d expect Bakugo to design for his outfit. Keeping in character and suitably dark.

1. Ochaco Uraraka’s!

My favorite in the whole bunch. It looks so much like a space heroine super suit - I especially like it with the helmet. It’s all there for her quirk, too - there’s an explanation behind each piece of gear. (BTW, Bakugou and Uraraka had the same designer. They really lucked out!)

[ryouverua]

Trial 6 - Revisionist History, Pre-Accusation (2)

AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!

Trial: 1

So last time on YGO I was getting a bit full of myself because everything was pointing to me being right about the mastermind, and then I proceeded to get clothes-lined by Shuichi’s conclusion about the first trial:

Sweetcheeks is taking revenge on me for all the times I got ahead of him in the trials. It’s okay I’m here for it -

TFW you’re called on in class and you were barely paying attention to what was going on -

Also yes any excuse to beat down on the Monokubs I will welcome with open arms THANK YOU DRV3

“Also hey, player controlling me right now? Fuckin’ duh.”

It’s okay Shuichi, I’m more than happy to have been wrong on this one.

... which also could have doubled as planted evidence to frame Kaede as the mastermind I-I’M JUST SAYING okay maybe not 100% over it -

But okay, ‘I’m getting carried away. The important thing is that there is no doubt that this shot should be associated with Kaede. She and Miu rocked that pink look, after all.

whispers I miss you Kaede; I’d like to think you’re with us in spirit right now

MAN Sweetcheeks is making this look so easy in hindsight! When I originally thought it was just part of the frame job, I didn’t consider the implications of having a clean shotput there with the fiber. After all, if it existed, the bloody version complete with the fiber would have worked just as well!

I’M SHOOK

But... but Kaede didn’t know that, did she? That’s why things went the way they did. She believed she was the killer the whole time. And that’s part of the genius of the plan...

And what, she - they got away with it? With all the groundwork and clues pointing to Kaede, it was just fine for Monokuma to accept that wrong conclusion? Does that mean if they had ever come to a wrong conclusion in any of the other trials - well, wait. No, the actual killer would know that they had gotten away with murder....

....

What..... if Monokuma had pulled a similar stunt in a different trial, but executed an innocent person anyway? I wonder how the killer would react to the idea that they wouldn’t be freed after all - and how they would continue living with everyone with that hanging over their heads. Well, I guess we know how Korekiyo would probably deal with it, but what about Kirumi or Miu, for example? Would they kick up a fuss or accept it quietly and bide their time with the knowledge that there wasn’t any way to truly graduate? Hell, what if they had chosen Kokichi for the 4th blackened and Monokuma accepted the ruling, and a totally oblivious Gonta survived with the rest of the cast to Chapter 5?

sorry don’t mind me just speculating...

Tsumugi adored Kaede, but she just couldn’t bring herself to trust her, huh. Did she have back-up plans for all of the murder plans or just this one?

STOP KILLING THE ONLY TOLERABLE MONOKUB!!!!

BLOW YOURSELF UP NEXT TIME SMH

because he made a great play to steal her potential girlfriend in a super cute nail-painting scen - I-I mean -

yeah that seems more likely somehow

But Kaede folded first...

Are you telling me that after all that planning, all that work, all that effort, all that agonizing -

she....

SHE MISSED?!

The goal wasn’t to kill them off.... well, of course it wasn’t. Rantaro even aid at the beginning that if they wanted them dead they could have killed them off with the exisals. It was always about the game.

So the plan fails, and because Tsu - the mastermind was keeping tabs on Kaede and Shuichi’s plan (for obvious reasons! I wonder if she was ready to deal with someone else finding the door aside from Rantaro?) she was able to prepare a second backup shotput and take things into her own hands... with Kaede none the wiser that she had failed.

Attempted murder and murder by proxy aren’t considered equal - Chapter 4 was proof enough of that. And yet...

‘Played along’ - again, talking about him like he’s a completely separate entity and that he should be treated as such.

“The moment you let murder into your heart, you lost.”

Again, what if Kokichi had ended up taking the fall for Gonta’s murder and Monokuma let him??? What would have happened? Would Monokuma have executed him? Would Kokichi have protested at the last minute??? And Gonta wouldn’t know better - !

It was always just killing.

The wound he got when Kaede died healed, but it was never truly gone. It’s been a few weeks at most, and it got ripped open again during the investigation. I’ll probably end up making a few small asides about how he’s only bringing up Kaede over everyone else (including Kaito who! just! literally! died!) but at the same time, he’s probably reeling at the idea that he was tricked into sending her to die. It’s not surprising that she in particular is monopolizing his thoughts right now.

“AND UH EVERYONE ELSE TOO BUT I’M REALLY OVERCOME BY FEELINGS OF SUNK SHIPS’ PAST!” okay I see like I really couldn’t resist

You know what’s really awesome to see amidst all of Shuichi’s speculation? How helpful the rest of the class is being. They’re contributing now just like they were in the investigation, in big ways! Even Himiko, who is definitely out of her element, isn’t letting herself get distracted and is trying to keep everyone’s spirits up!

With that said... hehe ~

fml that was cute

I didn’t need to keep this screenshot but I love Himiko’s spell names lmao

GRHGRKGHK

Shuichi literally blocked out the Kaede twin!theory from his mind.

“Tsumugi please - We’re not actually doing this, right? Right???”

My cousins are twins too! CLEARLY ONE OR BOTH OF THEM MUST BE MASTERMINDING A KILLING GAME SOMEWHERE -

“And all twins have at least one evil person in the set! That’s, like, science or something!”

“Well crap - I’d refute that but without the solid backing of the Ultimate Genetist, can we really say that’s not true?”

The ellipses better be leading to a ‘fuck no’, Sweetcheeks.

To think that all of those awkward ‘Himiko has a small bladder’ jokes have l had to suffer through were leading to this grand pay-off.

‘Please tell me this isn’t the answer. Damn you Tsumugi, I’ll give it 5 minutes of my time at maximum, but I will be so mad if it’s the answer.’

That noise is totally Shuichi’s inner voice, master of deadpan and silent sassy killer, breaking free from the confines of his mind to dunk on Kaede!mastermind theory one last time.

AND DUNK ON IT HE DOES. And oh boy did Motherkuma really screw Miss Mastermind over, because that line about ‘visiting the room often’ knocks that 17th person theory straight out of the park.

And honestly? That rules out a ‘faked their death’ student scenario too, for the same reason.

.... Which, just like the above, rules out a hidden student theory for a fantastic reason that didn’t really occur to me as a fully-formed thought apparently because I was nodding along with Shuichi’s reasoning, lol. There’s no use for a classroom that hides its contents for someone who could have easily set up a hidden room for exclusive use in their hiding spot. Though with that said... why not have it in the mastermind’s lab? What was the point of keeping them separate?

“Crap, you weren’t supposed to see that. Why didn’t anyone tell me he saw that???”

.......... This....... really does make it sound like he hasn’t realized who the mastermind is................

What a totally unbiased bit of speculation, Tsumugi!

I would kill to know her thoughts right now. There are moments like this where she helps out, but only with information that seems to be inevitable or easy to speculate. She needs to maintain the image of helping out. And then, of course, there are her wilder diversions offered under the guise of speculation that she’s able to throw out with that same tone of voice! What is your thought process, girl???

I think there’s a deep part of himself that’s known this from the beginning. Even if he didn’t know it was specifically Tsumugi, he knew that one of the last four people here was the mastermind. And ruling Maki (who got tricked and almost became the blackened) and K1-b0 (who literally just went berserk and had to be talked down from destroying the whole school) out, well...

The fact that Himiko is trying so hard to keep them all together and cheerful, even ending her speech like this:

... is, uh, darkly hilarious.

A WITCH!!! wait wrong series -

AND SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T PLAN ON ‘DYING’... just sayin’

I mean, the rest of them can be friends right??? Just because one of them trapped the others in a strange place, stole/potentially overwrote all of their memories and made them kill each other - wait, this is coming out wrong -

“Seriously, I’ll take any leeway I can get here.”

“Well now that you bring it up, we never actually saw Kokichi’s body and he’s absolutely, totally, 100% a Remnant of Des -”

..... Oh thank god no one actually said this. I was kinda expecting Tsumugi to try this tbh. 8′D So, um, when exactly are we going to use his motive video then?

WE’RE NOT PLAYING DR1 DAMN IT NOT AGAIN

Which Shuichi knows. Oh, Sweetcheeks definitely knows. And he remembers....

Ooooooh this is it. This is it!!! We’re finally going to the trial 1 alibis! And I know a certain someone’s alibi that isn’t going to stand up to scrutiny this time... ~

“A nice hole that we can just thrust our big, hard truth into. That was for you Miu, RII (Rest In Innuendos).”

can you imagine if we just had a little tribute to every character we lost along the way in this trial GET ON THIS SWEETCHEEKS

I cannot impress upon you all how desperately I have been waiting for this moment - !

So I let all the dialogue play. Every little bit of it. And oooooh boy, seeing Shuichi react to seeing that certain obvious part stick out....... well.

You can tell I was looking forward to this part because I was literally screencapping every bit of her dialogue lmao while also trying to maintain proper, y’know, control of the reticle.

Yup...

How very ~convenient~.

WHICH KOREKIYO BROUGHT UP SPECIFICALLY.........

WHERE IS THE GOLD TEXT

V

FUCKING

COUNTER

BABY!!!!

If he wasn’t sure before... if he even had a hint of a possibility in his mind before... there is no way he doesn’t know now. There’s no way he isn’t sure now.

HIMIKO YOU CREATED THIS CHANCE FOR US!!!

“Wow, I’m really glad I didn’t go through with murdering you after all!”

Tsumugi is absolutely standing there sweating bullets, just wondering when the hell this was discovered under her nose. You really should have tried to stick with Shuichi to mislead him further!

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT IS.

“No seriously, when the hell did you find the bathroom secret passage?!”

FML okay the fact that Himiko is still hoping she could find a way to defend Tsumugi is.... incredibly sad....

he placed a receipt in the doorway

he put tape on the windows

the entrance was sealed via detective’s authority

I wonder how she knew the right timing to go to the girl’s bathroom... maybe she had a similar alert set up for when Rantaro went into the library? She was only gone for five minutes - any longer would have been suspicious. Does she have a way of accessing the cameras outside of the lab, or am I just nitpicking something that has an explanation I’ve forgotten?

.... WHELP ANYWAY -

Come on, you’ve been so creative up until now - there’s no way you don’t have something else up your sleeve!

OI -

OI!!!! HAVE SOME PRIDE!

wait why am I getting defensive about this -

The ability to navigate truth and lies and know when to be relentless in pursuit of truth... is this the new Shuichi we’ve been building up to? It’s interesting, because there are similarities to the last trial where he wouldn’t be shaken off the path to the truth - but taking after Kokichi, he won’t let emotions sway him this time. Where he was gentle and tentative in Chapter 4, he won’t give an inch here.

DAMN BOY! HE’S COMING OUT SWINGING!

Neither of these two are clamouring to come to her defense, I notice.

speaking of people who can’t deal with much more heartbreak and betrayal, how about that ‘slowly slipping back into depression’ Himiko here -

“HEY DON’T INTERRUPT MY DEFENSE YOU’RE MAKING ME LOOK WAY MORE SUSPICIOUS!!!”

Er, well, about that next chapter...

What proceeded was probably Shuichi’s most aggressive, brutal and merciless Rebuttal Showdown of the entire game. Damn, Sweetcheeks!

....... yeah, they didn’t stand a chance.

“.... and it will require you all to test me and yourselves by finding ways to slip the word ‘birth’ in casual conversation around me. Or really awkward sentences! That’ll work too, I’m actually not that picky.”

LMAO WAY TO THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS

“EVEN NOW, IN THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE GAME, ROBOPHOBIA PERSISTS - “

let tsumugi say fuck

Maki gives NO FUCKS

Actually, you gotta appreciate how Maki isn’t swayed at all. Right now Shuichi really needs that steady support by his side and, with so few options left, it looks like Maki is ready to act that way for him. 

NO THIS IS TOO SAD, EVEN WHEN HE’S CREATED AN AIRTIGHT ARGUMENT HE STILL HAS A SHRED OF DOUBT IN HIS ABILITIES AND DEDUCTIONS...

But... more importantly, he’s okay with being wrong. He’s not afraid of being proven wrong and being potentially embarrassed in front of everyone the way he was before. That.... takes a lot of guts, for someone as perpetually anxious as him. Good on you, Shuichi.

And Maki is with him 100%. I think she may have already accepted Shuichi’s deduction as the real deal, tbh.

but what is there left for her to defend herself with at this point

What is going on in your head right now -

quietly skips over the random interlude where Monosuke attempts to conspicuously disrupt the proceedings and gets blown up for his trouble -

Thanks, dude.

GREEN PUKE

WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS thank atua

Also it’s interesting - they have a bit of a back and forth about Monokuma ‘loving’ the kids which, you know, has been of a running joke. But unlike during the rest of the game, he’s never actively destroyed them before... but he is now. Why? He brought them back to man the exisals and attempt to take the fight out of the students after the fifth trial, so why is he knocking them off one after the other like this? Sure they’ve been shown to be replaceable but...

Two different entities with different goals, I’m telling ya!

The moment of truth..... it’s finally here.

It’s. It’s finally here.

Well then.........................

here we go.

Looking like she would rather be anywhere but here...

How strange.... to see the accused so rattled like this. Not crying like Gonta, not angry or upset like Kirumi and Korekiyo - and just think of the last game too, where they were resigned, resolute or just accepting - she just looks.... scared in a different way. And decidedly not ‘mastermind’-like. So where are we going to go from here?

“Any last words?”

“Goku didn’t die for this.”

[thesoupoftheafternoon]

6.5ish years T, 5.5ish years post top

Updating because of a surprise revelation regarding my dose & how it relates to my mental health. Also because I haven't posted on this for two years!

First off, general changes. Dose stuff at the end. (TL;DR dose stuff--by accident I lowered my dose by .1 mL and despite never having felt much of a difference mood-wise from changing my dose before, I feel fucking great and actually happy for the first time in a while! Surprise, your levels should also take into account your age and you shouldn't use the same reference range for the whole time you're on T!)

Under cut--this is mad long. [And cw for mental health talk including v mild suicide ideation, also alcohol/drugs]

T stuff:

I posted pretty much the same thing last time, but I'll reiterate that the vast majority of these changes are basically subtle things that no one else notices and that probably have more to do with just getting older/diet/exercise than being on T. My facial hair range is exactly the same as it was two years ago (literally just ‘stache and chin directly below the mouth) which checks out based on my dad/my entire family. I shave about once a week. Happy trail a little bit happier, lil more arm hair, lil more leg hair. Haven't been checking super closely but I think I have more hair around my butthole. Dick size is the same. Appetite has dropped a bunch--I can't scarf down food the way I used to. I’m read as male all the time, haven’t been misgendered based on my appearance since like 2013. 120-125ish pounds.

Chest stuff: (I had keyhole btw)

Nipple sensation is back, I repeat, nipple sensation is BACK! They're healthy and super perky, which I used to be kinda insecure about since they stick out a bit, but also like, who gives a shit? I would say they feel about 90% as sensitive as they were before surgery, and after a bit of touching they do start feeling a little less sensitive, but they never go completely numb. I'd say they've been at this level of sensation since early 2017. Left nipple is more sensitive than my right. My right nipple used to kinda bulge outward on the bottom but I guess the scar tissue has broken down somewhat since it's lying a lot flatter these days. The numb chest patches are smaller and way less numb and it takes less pressure for them to register touch. Drain scars look kinda like bug bite scars. Under-areola scars are very hidden, basically invisible. 

Lower surgery??

It’s on my mind but it’s always been a little on my mind. It’s not a priority. A hysto/oopho may be in order someday. But I’ve been thinking about what I want my junk to look like and be like as I get older, and whether my current setup and how I relate to it is going to be sustainable. I genuinely don’t know whether I would rather get metoidioplasty or phalloplasty. There’s a lot more thinking to be done. 

Dose stuff: 

I started T in 2012 with .5 injections every other week. With 200 mg/mL that averages out to 50 mg of T per week, although I'm sure my levels were different from someone on a weekly schedule. Around the 2.5 year mark my bloodwork came back saying I had super low T. I upped my dose to .5 every week, so 100 mg/week (which is famously a pretty common dose, there's even some trans merch company called .5cc.) Over the next year or two (I really don't remember exactly when) my bloodwork showed me now at very high T levels, nearly and in some cases exceeding the upper threshold of my doctors' reference ranges, so I lowered my dose to .4 and then to .3 mL/week, or 80 and then 60 mg/week. Of course I worried about T aromatizing into E, but my doctor at the time didn't test my blood for estradiol until I had already reduced my dose down to .4, and said my E levels were fine (I don't remember the exact number.) 

Even at 60 mg/week my T levels were still high. I and my doctors chalked it up to the fact that I work out a lot and/or maybe my body was just like that The general consensus was that "if your period isn't coming back, your E levels are fine," usually followed with some question like “how are you feeling on this dose?” or “are you feeling good?”

And what I kinda knew then then, but what’s even clearer to me now, is that I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA. My I-guess-it’s-anxiety, my on-and-off idk-if-it's-depression, my garbage sleep cycle, my self-doubt and second-guessing and skewed perspectives, have all been around in some form or another, so it's very hard for me to parse out what I'm even Really Feeling sometimes, never mind what might be causing that feeling. For the last several years if I felt bad I would usually conclude one of the following:

I feel bad because I’m actually a shitty person and feeling bad is natural for how bad and awful a person I am.

I feel bad because the world is fucked and society is crumbling and feeling bad is natural for how literally everything we love will be swallowed by the sea and/or be salted and burned in worldwide conflict.

Which is obviously not conducive to trying to figure out any other external factors or triggers for my shitty mental health!!

Plus it’s not like I was exactly excited to have less testosterone in my body. I was genuinely nervous that lowering my dose lower than .3 a week would just be an experiment that wouldn’t do anything except make me less buff and maybe even bring back my period. And I’d always been a little skeptical about the extent of hormonal effects on mood. T certainly affected my mood positively when I started, that was an obvious cause/effect, but I figured (and still do think) that had SO much more to do with finally being seen as a guy and having a masculine body than any sort of direct T-on-brain action. I did notice some increased irritability, but it wasn't much, and also I was still 16 lol. I noticed changes over the course of months or years--never within the course of a week. I can’t relate at all to folks who talk about spikes or troughs in their levels or getting a rush or feeling low based on where they were in their shot cycle. So I'd always tell doctors that I felt fine on whatever dose I was on because, well...I guess I felt fine!!

For the last several months--maybe the last year and a half, tbh--my mental health has been pretty bad. Over the course of any given day, the things I felt were generally limited to annoyance, panic, self-pity, drunk, stoned, and horny, and usually in that order. And that's a relative statement, because I'm pretty functional and haven't ever hit clinical levels of whatever, have always been able to find enjoyment in some things and get endorphins from exercise and complete necessary tasks on time, but hey, if you're reading this and feel like it's normal to constantly have "I hate myself, I fucking suck, why don't I just die" churning around in your head even if you're "not going to act on it," or that it's normal to drink and smoke weed until you basically pass out 6 days out of 7, or that it's normal to feel convinced every bit of positive affirmation you're getting is out of pity, Honey You've Got A Big Storm Coming. Like, again, considering how shit awful our current sociopolitical climate (and also the literal Earth's climate) are, it's no surprise I felt these were understandable feelings, and like, I guess they kind of were? But just because a feeling is understandable doesn't mean it's a good thing that I'm having it. Which seems remarkably obvious in hindsight!

Anyway, about a month ago I underestimated how much was left in my vial and had to do a .2 mL shot instead of .3. That's 40 mg for that week: even lower of a dose than when I started T. As the week went on I noticed I actually felt consistently happy: not just "someone's giving me attention," not just "nihilistic fun," not just "I guess the things I'm looking at right now are pretty," but actually satisfied, content, grounded, having emotions that felt like they came FROM ME. 

And since I’m always one to consider alternative explanations, there’s plenty of other factors that might have led to this improved mood. When I lowered my dose, I had just gotten accepted to two new jobs. I’d met up with friends I hadn’t seen in a while. But it’s not as though before I lowered my dose I never felt happy. It just never stuck around. These days I’m able to retain a positive emotion beyond the precipitating event and not just have the same boring self-hating thoughts over and over again. Which is huge!! I feel like I’ve really broken the thought cycle that’s defined much of my thinking for the last few years. So many of my emotions have been about my emotions, and a big part of why I felt so awful was feeling so helpless against these thoughts, and understanding completely deep down that it was irrational, that it really didn’t make any sense for me to feel this awful. That of course tapped horribly into my endless guilt complex and fed it and it just went on and on. 

I haven’t gotten my levels tested again yet--that’ll happen later this month. (My doctor knows and is cool with this reduced dose.) I’m especially interested to see where my estradiol will be at. My T will probably be more reasonable for someone my age--I feel like my crazy 1000+ ng/dL T levels were okay when I was like 19-20 but now that I’m a whole 23 years old (yo!!!) it makes sense they should be a little lower. I’m not a doctor, though--but then again, real ass certified doctors have made hashes of my medical care in the past, so I’m comfortable trusting myself a little on this one. 

General life update and thoughts on being trans in this world:

I’m much more relaxed and much more okay with being trans these days. Comes with being a lot more sure about myself and who I am, which is a continuous process and one that was happening even before I lowered my dose and was suddenly way less depressed. While I still get hives at the thought of anyone outing me without my permission, I’m a lot more comfortable outing myself to people, even large groups of people, even folks who I might not really know. I’ve come to appreciate the parts of me that are definitely and absolutely because I am trans or that reveal I am trans, and the connections I can make with people by sharing those parts of me.

I’m not sure I’d say I have a career at this point, but definitely most of the work I’m doing these days is in social justice, non-profit, LGBTQ-related, activist work. My resume more or less outs me as at the very least a deeply committed trans ally, lol. I think growing up and realizing I was trans I hated the thought that it would define who I was and what I did. I didn’t want to touch activism or trans spaces in general with a trillion-foot pole. 

I’ve since gotten over myself and like...let myself enjoy things, I guess? I really do find nonprofit work super rewarding and I finally admitted to myself I fucking love chilling with other trans people and talking about trans shit and that I do love, if not the fact that I And My Body Am Trans, the existence of community and the thoughts and ideas that we share. And a lot of the time I do like my body. And I’m kinda ready for this newfound happiness to stop feeling so fresh and exciting, because I know it’s a bit weird and inappropriate to be talking about how happy I am that I feel great when, again, The World’s Some Shit Right Now. 

But I think in general--not just about being trans--I’m letting myself feel the happiness that I have, with so much less guilt and shame. I always knew intellectually but am finally putting into practice the fact that simply denying myself happiness or feeling bad that I feel happy doesn’t bring happiness to folks who don’t have it. 

that’s it for now ! 

[chiseki]

Figured I’d make this an intro post, since I’m pretty much using this alternate url as an “out” url compared to my usual vagueness.

I’m Joshua. Yes, that matches the sidebar, so it’s not really surprising here.

And that would surprise an entire two people following my main blog that know me irl because the rest were previously informed. Maybe three people, I forget if the last one is on tumblr or not.

Which is, by the way, ““““““““fun”““““““““

Yup, having like three local friend circles that had relations to each other outside of myself, and only one of them being in the know is fun.

You can basically stop reading at this point, because from here on out is just gonna be a massive time rewind to.....jeez, fuck if I know when, my childhood? I promise there will be time skips, we don’t need that mess played at normal tempo. (Also some funny stories after the giant gap in the text, if you want to scroll for that).

Most of this story is actually located in college, but the only real indicator (aside from having a general dislike of dresses) was way back when I was in all of second grade--apparently I was so damn insulted I burned all these facts into my memory--and an older kid was brought into the classroom, gave us this cool sales pitch about do we want to learn to shoot a bow, go camping, build campfires, etc

and then was like “OH YEAH THIS IS THE BOY SCOUTS IT’S BOYS ONLY”

I was so hyped lol.

Wound up being in a mediocre girl scout troop later, and my brother obviously got directed into boy scouts. At which point I got to find out that their camping trips were mostly getting rained on and finding black windows and getting taught woodworking by a dude missing a chunk of finger.

So more suffering than child me would have expected, but they still got to build fires and go REAL camping and shoot bows and rifles and shit.

Meanwhile, in girl scouts, we went to this one set of cabins every year. We never stayed in the damn cabins, because someone would find A Bug in there, or a spider, and then someone ELSE would have the same issue, and no one wanted to be in a cabin alone let alone be the only one in the cabins at all, and we always wound up sleeping in the air conditioned lodge that was visible from the damn cabins.

Except the one year where we went to a different camp, stayed in the legendary caboose, and there was a bat sleeping on the outside of the window so no one wanted to sleep there except me.

My scout group was weak.

I miss the cookies, though.

Anyway, due to not being forced into gender-targeted toys and getting to play with whatever the fuck I wanted, I also have jack shit for anything resembling an early warning sign aside from the above.

Actually, scratch that, I was not really a fan of dresses. I mean, this was fair in general, since they were usually scratchy, didn’t fit my arms/shoulders right, were designs I had no say in, and everyone would get on my case if the dress might get even a LITTLE dirty. Had some skirts I liked in middle school, but even that was a mess of having to wear tights because my genes have never resulted in anything resembling a thigh gap.

And I was like, constantly trying to play with the guys in grade school. And they’d periodically get that “NYEHHHHHHH GUYS ONLYYYYYY” shit going on. That was never not infuriating tbh.

Flash forward to high school, still basically left to my own devices. Only indicator here was that I was just tickled fucking pink whenever I heard that I either passed at cons or was at least tossed in the “maybe.......?” zone.

Flash forward to college. I honestly don’t remember what set me off on thinking about it, but started eyeballing my gender with a microscope. Unfortunately I couldn’t apply a litmus test like sexuality, so there was a lot of “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfuck” going on.

Actually, I think part of it was that on the forum I hung out on, a lot of the old regulars had assumed I was a dude until a childhood friend had dropped a pronoun several times in succession & asserted its correctness, which then led to a discussion along the lines of “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat”.

But yeah, started testing the waters.

Also tried going to a LGBT+ club like, once. With the gal I was either dating at the time or was about to be dating, my memory is shit tbh. “HEY SO HOW ABOUT WE ALL JUST COME OUT TO EACH OTHER, A BUNCH OF STRANGERS <33333333″ still freaks me out, honestly. I get why it’s generally done, but like, no thanks. But I was horrendously obvious in ducking about the gender question and she totally called me out on it later in private lol. Also got me my first binder, but I digress.

Anyway, basically spilled on “I’m.....probably..............? a dude...........? jsyk??????” to my immediate friends, which was met with a lot of “.....YEAH ACTUALLY THAT MAKES SENSE” and a “hang on I need a dictionary........ok I get it”

I think I was the least smooth part of anything resembling a coming-out just due to like, me not wanting to have to tell people to do things for me? It’s something I find extremely awkward, like I know it’s that horribly stereotypical dating thing of “what’s wrong, bby, what do I have to do” “I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO” but.

And that’s an entire digression about how my relationship with my mother often included me saying a lot of shit I had to say convincingly, but didn’t mean at all, and probably led to me having fuckall faith in what people say, most especially when under a forced prompt. I could do an essay on that, but not here.

Which, admittedly, I’m gonna rewind here because I think it’s funny in hindsight, but it means the dictionary reaction went like “SO...........I’M.............TRANS?” “What?” [thinking this is pushback on the idea] [PANIC MODE] “UH” “Like, literally, what does that word mean, I've never heard it in my life.” “OH. WELL. Heh. Uh. That internal reaction I had was embarrassing then, oops.”

Anyway.

Then the collective action was, “well, have you picked a name what do you MEAN you haven’t picked a name, we can’t just run about calling you by your deadname after all that”

And I tossed some names out, that I’m not going to list, because they were just fucking awful. So I got interventioned and the method became throwing names at me until they stuck.

Adam? Nah I knew an Adam and I can’t unassociate with that

Noah? Violin teacher’s third kid was named Noah. Same issue with Gabriel and Caleb.

Benjamin? I fucking grew up with a Benjamin he would kill me.

you get the idea.

And those were like, actual reasonable rejections. At least half the time I was just like “I DON’T LIKE HOW IT SOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNDS.” Take, for example, Josh. I 1) knew one in high school and he was a piece of work and 2) I just, inexplicably, don’t like how the word sounds.

Which is part irony and part masochism that JoshUA stuck.

I mean, that name had pre-existing connotations for me. I had played..........a game.........in high school. And given that my options were pretty shafted to Stereotypical White Boy Names if I didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb, some positive(?) pre-existing connotations were going to be needed.

Incidentally, I had a v. sweet trans girl offer me her deadname, which was a cool name, but just, like, didn’t fit me in particular so. She also picked her name by RNG tournament, with the top 10 baby names for her year being the competitors. Which was neat and worked well for her, but I know I would have just re-run the fucking tourney if I didn’t like the winner lol.

But anyway, continuing on to a less flowery story. I’ll add some blank lines so it’s skippable. No need to set off every other person with gender issues here.

Decided to come out to my family. Apparently time fuzzed down my memories of being devoured by mosquitos outside while my parents were trying to decipher that their kid was holding hands with a girl in the back of the van and that girl had been planned to sleep over that night, and despite the fact that booth teens wouldn’t be jumping to sex that fast nor had the equipment to make a kid between them....it was Reason For Concern like a straight couple sharing a bed.

I mean, my mom was convinced that anything touching the nether regions was SEX and PREMARITAL SEX was EVIL. But I digress.....again.

So. I tell them. And the reaction ranged from “well ok I mean you’ve always been weird” (thanks, bro) to “uh I guess my last name’s odds of getting inherited just doubled........?” to “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME”

Yeah. That last one was word for word. Some stuff was thrown, lots of crying (”I CAN’T EVEN DO MY MAKEUP AND IT’S YOUR FAULT”)--both of which were not my doing, though I got shocked(?) into my own set of tears iirc.

I think I set a speed record for climbing back into the closet. Like, a week later, everyone was pretending it never happened. I sorta emotionally cut ties with my mom at that point--kept it civil, but Did Not Want to discuss my life or friends at all with her or in any way that would get back to her.

So obviously, no one in my family knows I go by Joshua. If they asked, I would tell them, but lo and behold, zero questions, they never brought it up again, etc. And I’ve been very careful about not letting that knowledge spread, not putting it on the internet in a way that connects back to my legal name, being primed at any point to pretend “Joshua” is a mutual friend and to not respond to that name if someone accidentally calls me by it.

Incidentally, during Yet Another Family Counseling that was at least performed at an individual level this time, my mom apparently told the counselor that she thought she handled that well. Last I checked, making the situation about yourself and doing the whole “woe is me, the mother, with a child like this” shpeal was not “well”.

And I mean the WHOLE shpeal. If you’ve ever had the misfortune to see the posts by parents of trans kids that wax soliloquy about losing their child and mourning their “death” (especially the ones that aren’t all “but I got a new kid!”) like, the ones especially cut from the same cloth that would be like “my child is autistic but ~I~ am the inspiration for waking up in the morning” like no, your kid is the inspiration for dealing with you.

And if anyone is wondering, this is basically the Midwest Stereotype for....LGBT, interracial dating, etc rejection imo. Seemingly ok with it, but NO WAIT HANG ON, NOT MY CHILD. Like, I legit had trans kids explained to me (albeit without terms for it) at a relatively young age by my mother and yet. “X exists but not in our good christian neighborhood” attitude. Ugh.

So where was I? Hmm, yes, funny Joshua stories. Ok I have like ONE story. One of my friends that was in the know finally got me to play Trails in the Sky. Now, this sucker has a chunk of text lead-in with a ~mysterious~ boy that young Estelle’s father has brought home, and the whole discussion skips his name, ending on “my name is....”. Then it time-skips to present day, finally casually dropping this dude’s name, which, obviously, is Joshua.

My friend did not tell me this.

No warning, nada. Only Estelle had really come up in conversation.

And then we collectively dragged another friend into the abyss with us, except he wasn’t in the know. We also had him streaming his playing sessions when our schedules coincided, which led to--because of a shitty accuracy stat--him yelling (as we did) “JOSHUA!” frequently in combat.

I debated on just responding “Yes?” randomly one day in the most casual closet-exit possible. Then procrastinated by deciding to just be out with it at the end of the first game since he’d also played twewy.

Some of you have probably started to eye my avatars with judgement in your hearts. That’s fair.

Anyway, we had forgotten about another character that practically had his name, so at least I had someone to share my weird feelings with.

And then, he started the second game, and I didn’t hold back on responding “yes?” every time “Joshua” was used as an interjection.

Also because of that one post about biblical names, I will respond to any use of “Jesus”.

[drferox]

20 Questions with Dr Ferox #8

My gosh, there’s just so much stuff you vetlings want to know, isn’t there? Well, knowledge is good, so here we go with yet another info dump as I try to answer a big slew of your questions in one hit.

Anonymous said: I sometimes get your patreon emails or an update on your blog while I'm studying/struggling in the wee-hours of the morning (vetmed). I'm in WA, so where-ever you are it's also late/early. What are you doing up in the witching hours?

First of all, I am an AdultTM and as such I am permitted to set by own Bed Time. There are many reasons why you might receive notifications from me so ‘early’.

I have a blog post on queue every morning between 5am and 6am my time (so probably 3am and 4am your time). It goes up automatically, so I can see initial responses before I go to work.

I think Patreon sends its emails at the same time each day, regardless of when I post. I certainly don’t type there early in the morning.

Sometimes I’m on nightshift and can get kinda bored at 3am sometimes.

Sometimes I just can’t sleep, especially with the changing day/night cycles.

Most of the blog runs on queue, honestly. At least three posts a day do.

@banesidhe said: Just happened to discover your blog. Thank you so much for posting like you do (even the snark. I'm a 911 dispatcher, I appreciate the snark ;) ), and sharing your experiences. No vet question, but if you could only ever re/read five books for the rest of your life, which five titles would make your cut?

Ah, I have found many similar people to myself among emergency personnel. There’s a particular combination of gallows humor and wishing people would get to the point that unites us.

For fiction books:

Feral, Kerry Greenwood

The Shepherd’s Crown, Terry Pratchett

Monstrous Regiment, Terry Pratchett

Watership Down, Richard Adam

Good Omens, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman

Hmm, bit of a trend there.

But the work books I couldn’t live without are:

Plumb’s Veterinary Drug Handbook

The 5 minute veterinary consult, Dog and Cat Edition

Ettinger’s Textbook of Internal Medicine, Expert Consult

BSAVA Rabbit Medicine & Surgery Handbook

Small Animal Surgery, Fossum.

Anonymous asked: what was the most exotic/rare patient youve ever had?

This fat meerkat.

Anonymous said: My dog is a shelter dog and we suspect she was abused before we got her (afraid of E V E R Y T H I N G) and weve been slowly working on getting her to at least ignore people we walk past or that enter the house and thats been making progress. But she hates the vet. Hates it. Gets in my lap and refuses to leave. New dogs people and smells. So her normal vet takes the approach of having one of us hold/console her while they do all the poking and listening and whatnot and muzzling her if they need to and just getting it done as quickly as possible. But this last time she saw a new vet and this vet took the approach of hand-feeding her almost an entire bag of treats and called it "stress-eating" and tbh you should have seen the look on my dogs face. She was so weirded out. Shes highly food motivated so it was like heaven to her but she was simultaneously very suspicious. Her face was like"i love this but idk if i trust it" it was great.Have a greatday!

If you an reinforce the behaviour by arranging frequent, short visits to the vet clinic where nothing happens but lots of treats, she may start to associate the vet clinic with positive things (food) ad no scary things. This might make the rest ofher life easier.

Anonymous said: I own fancy rats and just want to put out there to people, that while they are THE MOST amazing tiny friends, in my experience most vets are completely lost when it comes to their care & several I've seen refused to even touch my exceptionally friendly females. They often get respiratory infections requiring antibiotics. One of my friend's females passed away bc nobody would perform a simple surgery on her. So please be cautious when buying them. 

I would like to suggest that any surgery on a rat is likely to be not simple, because they do have particular anesthetic requirements that can make their recovery difficult. Also that a lot of traditional rat medicine hinges on using post mortem examination as a diagnostic tool, which is not useful at all with pet rats.

In dog and cat medicine most of our equipment and even medications are not suitable for rats, or very difficult to adapt. We simply have fewer options, and generally less experience with these species Most vets I know will attempt to treat them, but with a great big disclaimer saying I don’t do this often, and a quick question as to whether you’d prefer to go to a nearby clinic that does see rats more often.

Anonymous said: Hello, I recently took in 3 abandoned kittens and they're covered in fleas. They appear to be 6 weeks old and can't use meds or wash for them. I clean them with vinegar and dish soap and I was wondering if you knew of any other ways to help them since they hate getting wet. I also use a comb but they dislike that as well.

You can use capstar on kittens from 4 weeks of age, and Revolution from 6, probably earlier. Talk to your vet.

Anonymous asked: Strange question but do you know if that rage syndrome thing can happen in cats also? I know a cat who does that and also acts strangely in general at the same time?

It is not documented in cats, however Feline Hyperesthesia Syndrome may present in a similar way.

Anonymous said: Hey doc! I plan on getting my cat fixed soon and I'm worried about how it'll affect her. She's really skittish and prefers to stay in one room, could getting her fixed make it worse?? I guess like what are the possible behavioral effects is what I'm askin? For the qt: ive been here a while i just dont like or reblog stuff but i came for the vet knowledge and stayed for it too, especially the mythical creatures and dog breed info

She is probably not going to have any long term personality changes from being desexed, though might be out of sorts for a few days after the anaesthetic. If anything they tend to be less stressed because they’re not attracting Toms.

Another Anonymous said: My kitten was neutered yesterday and he's doing great, healing well, playing nonstop, remarkably agile despite the e-collar (navigating small spaces, jumping to high places), eating & drinking well. The vet didn't give us any aftercare instructions but I googled it -- and wish I'd done so before the surgery because I could've prepared better. A lot of it seemed obvious in hindsight but nothing I'd have thought of on my own. Do you have a flier or anything for your patients' humans? 

We send our patients home with aftercare instructions. We have a default one that we print for routine surgery like desexing, and a customized one for non-routine procedures.

We also read it out to our clients when they pick up their pet, and point out that all these instructions are written down, because it’s easy to forget details when you’re worried.

Anonymous asked: I have a question! I saw your desexing cats post and thought I might send it to you. I neutered my male cat but he still sprays and tries to roam the neighborhood. I try to keep him inside best I can. Is there a reason this happens?

It may be stress, but you should consult your vet to rule out any underlying urinary tract issue before assuming so. Your vet should be able to discus the various stress reducing techniques, changes and treatments that are available.

Anonymous asked: Whenever my roommate wakes up before me, she makes bacon for breakfast while the coffee is brewing. If she hasn't slept well, her coherence is sometimes a bit... lacking. If our cat happens to demand food, about half the time she ends up giving him a slice of bacon instead of cat food. We only recently figured out that she's been doing this. He's not getting fat, and gets actual cat food later, so is this OK, or do we need to try to figure out how to keep this from happening?

While bacon is certainly digestible, it is not a balanced diet. It would be ideal if you could minimize his bacon habit.

@nowgovanish said: Hello! I have a question about my 13 and 4 year old cats. They seem to have some pretty bad skin reactions to certain foods, and I've tried a lot of different food brands that my vet reccommended. The one that seems to work best is a grain free/ non chicken variant, but I see that you aren't a huge fan of grain free. Is there anything I should change or try sticking with what works?

I have said many times before that if it’s working, keep feeding it.

Novel protein diets, and ideally single proteins source diets, are more use for allergies than just going ‘grain free’.

‘Grain Free’ labelling on food particularly vexes me because it’s not regulated. You can find ‘grain free’ food that really mean ‘corn free’ and either use grain byproducts or straight up use rice. Last time I checked, rice was a grain.

It’s like ‘Hollistic’ - it means nothing on a pet food label. Neither does ‘Organic’, pet food companies do not have to use all organic products in pet food to label the food as organic. These are marketing ploys like ‘all natural’ which are targeting your emotions and don’t mean anything when it comes to the food.

If you’ve come across a novel protein diet, or a minimum ingredient diet, that is beneficial for your cats then stick with it. But recognise what’s marketing and what’s useful.

Anonymous said: I love my dog but he is a complete and total moron. He has strangled himself so often that his bark is now raspy. He even found a way to do it with a harness! We've resorted to jogging when walking him to try and keep up but is there some way to make it better? We've tried letting him learn on his own, pausing when he pulls, and getting a longer leash. If he was much smarter I'd accuse him of being into asphyxiation.

I would suggest that you potentially need to figure out what motivates your dog most. Consider using positive reinforcement to encourage him to heel on the lead, instead of wandering and pulling.

You might also want to consider something like a halti collar, which pulls the dog’s nose downwards to their chest when they pull, instead of something that goes around the neck.

Anonymous: Would you consider it a good generalization that dogs more closely resembling/related to wolves (like huskies) have less health problems? I am aware that no dogs are completely lacking in health problems.  Tax: came for good hard factual analysis.

No. And here’s the thing- all modern dog breeds are equally distant from their wolf-like ancestor, unless they have been recently mixed with wolves again.

Their health problems are different to those dogs with more extreme anatomy, but dogs that look like wolves are not inherently healthier.

@justslowdown said: a book i have discusses the man who created the GSD breed (aka isolated traits from a diverse population) pairing dogs with their daughters, granddaughters, great-granddaughters and onwards til more than 1/2 of the pups had to be culled. due you think this could be partially responsible for the health issues remaining more than a century later? "Very drastic inbreeding was espoused during the formation of the breed [...] to quickly form specific type" - The German Shepherd Dog by Ernest H Hart

Certainly.

This is called line breeding, where the offspring of a ‘perfect’ individual are repeatedly bred back to the same individual generation upon generation to try to recreate it. All you really do is lose genetic diversity very quickly and allow recessive deleterious genes to proliferate in the population.

This is why just about everywhere else that’s not the purebred pet world, this is considered a bad thing to do.

@eyestumblin said: Do you think horses would look significantly different if their wonky anatomy were more logical?

They would no longer be a horse.

@cirque-du-spoon said: I saw you mention sheep on the horse thread and I spent a fair bit of time on a sheep farm in Wales. The head shepherd once told me "sheep are born, they spend the rest of their life trying to die". Then he opened his landrover door, and the passenger footwell was maybe 6 lambs snuggled up to one of his old motherly collies.

The common phrase down here was “The aim in life of a Merino ewe is to die and take fifty of her friends with her.” It’s not really much of an exaggeration.

Anonymous said: I'm intrigued to hear the faults of sheep, lay it on me!

Oh I will. It’s on my list for a big write up.

@queenalia said: Hi! I love the post about why horses make no sense, and I was wondering if you would do a similar one for sheep (one of the most suicidal animals on earth in my opinion)?

It will definitely be done sometime in the next few weeks. As you understand, it’s not  quick answer.

@vulturegeorge said: Hey Dr.F, after reeding your "horses-are-spindily-legged-disasters" post and your comment about how sheep are worse, I was wondering if you wished to elaborate? I am currently working on a heard of 50 random sheep my uni bought with a ton of lung issues ... so it'd be super interesting to me. Question tax: came for the Lucifer story, stayed for all of your amazing advice & opinions. I hope you are finding balance between vetting and living. cheers!

I promise I will elaborate. I can’t leave a cliff hanger like that and not explain... eventually.