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#which is something i always thought my brain just didnt have room for
silentlycrazy · 2 years
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....ok so I know how many people (who actually enjoy drawing) say they're gonna make their own tarot decks but um...I'm designing (strong word) a deck based on Yellowjackets (the show).
So far I have the major arcana and the suit names pretty much set. I've written out how I want those 21 cards and the suit symbols to look and done some super basic sketches.
If anyone is interested I have literally no one irl to rant to and I welcome constructive criticism!
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#the burdent of not being understood. its annoying and i dont like it. also its my fault#because if u say something serious in a light tone ppl dont kno wtf to do. prob bc they dont kno if ur delusional or not and like dont#wanna upset u. but then its like annoying bc they still walk away worried and im like ok neither of us r happy bc u dont get how serious#thjs is but i cant tell u how serious it is without making u worried. and y should i make u worry if u can't fuckinf do anything abt it?#so its just annoying. which is to say i went to a retirement lunch today and it was as awkward as i imagined#bc it was me and my boss and a couple professors and i dont do well in these group situations anything so i spent a lotta time spaced out#not hearing anyone bc the noise in the room was messy and my brain was peeling away from my body. but whatever i was there. and my boss#drove us both and on the way back she started the. im worried abt u talk. which i feel like she was too hesitant abt it. which like i get#bc its awkward to bring up but like i dont give a fuck so idk i feel like u gotta start those conversations like. this is how watching u#makes me feel. idk whatever. and i was honest but like it was a 5min car ride so i didnt have thr time to be like ok heres the deal. ya#kno? so now im all annoyed bc my brain is fucking unbearable when i feel like i havent made my thoughts clear. and now its like. do i bring#it back up? or just let it go? whats to be gained by talking abt it? all that i have to say is upsetting bc im very aware im being self#destructive. thats the point. i get boried and my brain only lets me do like 2 things so i use those things to make myself insane. bc at#least then i can observe the symptoms of the stress im exherting on myself. and i kno that not good bc idk how to stop and ppl r always#like u gotta relax. what will help u relax? and im like u dont fucking understand. i cant regulate thr amount i like things. if i like#something i like it so much it becomes stressful. and i like drawing but its not relaxing. its a thing i have to do and its stressful bc im#constantly thinking abt making things perfect and never meeting thst mark. my happiest memories arent even happy moments theyre just times#where my brain stopped for a second and i could just breathe for a minute. so like i cant relax. i dont like anything a normal amount so#the solution must be medication. but my brain has decided im not allowed to fix this problem until i move away so like 🙃 and like i was#giving little bits of this in the car but its like lady i kno its a problem. ive known its a problem for years. the self awareness doesnt#help. except that it keeps me from doing anything extremely bad bc for me if i at least kno where it comes from i can b like ah yes. this#is fucking stupid lol. but i dunno how me sharing all this helps bc im sure it only raises the worry. but like its fine. i mean its not but#like ya kno. and i was kinda explaining how upsetting it is for me to have my schedule changed without warning even if its for things other#ppl would see as good and i wasnt thst firm abt it so it was: but i can't just do nothing for u! and i was like ugh fuck it fine whatever.#and like do i bring that back up bc it is like a respect my boundaries thing but like i feel like if i were anyone else it would be good#to drag someone out of their comfort zone but im being dragged into situations i find profoundly isolating bc i cant seem to function in#groups. ugh its just fucking annoying bc i dont want her to feel bad. i appreciate the effort but like ugh its exhausting. whatever. it was#anyway. im just annoyed thst i should have explained things better. also im annoyed thst i constantly forget most things taste bland and#then im annoyed when i hsve to eat bland things. i think my nose doesnt work right bc i csnt smell much either#unrelated
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byooregard · 6 months
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x men tumblr dashboard simulator
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bluebabadee
THIS BLOG IS A SAFE SPACE FOR NON-HUMAN PASSING MUTANTS. HUMAN PASSING MUTANTS DNI
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sparklejays Follow
based on your likes!
every time I see a human talking about "how cool it would be to have superpowers" or some shit like that I loose it a little bit more. do these people realize that being a mutant isn't just fun powers. like even beyond the shit I deal with trying to get jobs or all the relationships that have been ruined once people realized I'm a mutant. abilities aren't just fun and games, I have a friend who can't touch people without nearly killing them, I burned down three buildings before someone finally taught me to control my abilities, and these people are all like "wouldn't it be great to fly to work every day??" just admit that you see us as comic book characters and not real people with real struggles
#actually mutant #jay .txt
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scamperpamperblog reblogged spocktism
🏙️tilleys-brain Follow
self diagnosing is great and all but most of you people aren't telepaths, you're just hyperempathic
#actually mutant #actually telepathic #hyperempathy #crosstagging i know but some of yall need to see this #tilley speaks #it can be dangerous to go around acting like you know peopels actual thoughts when its just your brain
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oh-you-pretty-things
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#vent post #sometimes I get really mad at magneto #like I think he's done a lot for mutant rights and stuff #but I'm so fucking tired of everyone assuming that I'm evil just because of my powers #like jesus not all of us are trying to start atomic wars #some metallokinetics just use their abilities to make cool sculptures #but I can't get a spoon from across the room in front of strangers without someone mentioning jfk
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mutantbuffy reblogged muntantpollscentral
🩻mutantpollscentral
*physical mutation meaning something that is ALWAYS physical, not just something you can turn off and on whenever
#ig my mutation IS technically physical its just not visible to people most of the time so i feel weird claiming that #but like i was born with the tattoo marks #the powers didnt come till later tho #so idk which to pick
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sploimsh reblogged jesterjuleses
🎹pussy-truck-faggot
HEY! shout-out to people with *weird* mutations. Mutations that don't look cool, mutations that are gross, mutations that are dirty, mutations that you can't tell people about because they always cringe. You're just as valid as every other mutant out there. Your powers don't need to be palettable to humans for you to be treated with respect.
#THIS!!! #rb
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rosetvler
god i am so tired of the hypocrisy in this community. the double standards are insane. its okay to have 'scary' powers but the moment someone's abilities are scarier than like, pyrokinesis you're evil and dangerous to be around. 'acceptance' for you people only means nice mutants who've never hurt or scared anyone ever.
rosetvler reblogged rosetvler
non-mutants can reblog this btw
#srb #actually mutant #getting real tired of this
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katiedidnt reblogged morelikesexmen
🩻magicsteele27 Follow
okay like. i get that were all about acceptance and pride or w/e but no one in this tag has ever had friends irl i swear. if someone asks you not to read their mind you shouldnt. honestly you shouldnt be using telepathy on people at all without their permission. mutant abilities dont disclude you from respecting peoples boundaries
🌌rosetvler Mutuals
i swear to god you people are such hypocrites. its all 'mutant and proud' until someone has a power you dont like. its always about keeping the humans feeling comfortable instead of thinking about how it feels to never use your powers because theyre breaking 'boundaries' that were made up by humans in the first place
🩻magicsteele27 Follow
dude do you hear yourself right now
🎆jade-the-pyromancer Follow
Hey, I like your point op, but maybe you should stop trying to speak over actual telepaths and let them decide how to use their powers themselves???
🩻magicsteele27 Follow
i. i am a telepath.
#duddeeee telepaths are insane #used to be friends with one SO glad i broke that off before it went too bad
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b1rds3ye · 1 year
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hi!!! i LOVE the masked reader content 😭💞 my hyperfixated brain is thanking u deeply
can i request a masked (w LEDs bc i love it sm) reader who's saying "i cant believe you guys didnt notice my new haircut" or something similar, having a :( face on their mask and 141 is so confused like "we cant see your hair" "you have hair? kinda thought u were bald" stuff like that 😭 its a weird idea but im craving stupid platonic fluff like that
ty for the masked reader content love u sm for it
Hehehe as someone who hyperfixates a lot I am flattered I can induce it onto someone else LMAO Just a lil Drabble for this one I couldn’t think up of much 😅
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“You pissed ‘em off,” Ghost observes and Soap’s face drops into one of sheer betrayal.
“That was one time 'n' now you a' think it’s me?” Johnny jerks his head to the side in annoyance. “What about when cap’n-”
“I’m sure they can hear you,” Gaz whisper-shouts as he gestures to you. The rest of the task force look over to you sitting on the couch at the far end of the common room. Absentmindedly watching the shared television, your arms are folded with your mask in a perpetual "-_-". You make no indication that you heard them, no, you were fully set on ignoring them all morning.
"Captain what should we do?" Kyle asks.
"This isn't a mission Kyle, we can talk it out," Price sighs.
"Care to do the honours, then?"
Price stills, beady eyes sparing a glance at your unmoving figure. If the rest of the task force didn't know any better, they would think the unwavering captain was scared.
"'m busy," he replies gruffly.
"Busy" being him fishing around in his pocket for a new cigar for an impossibly long amount of time until his subordinates let him off the hook.
"L.T.?" Johnny looks to the next superior officer, to which Simon only responds with a half-hearted grunt. In truth, Simon and John have always been good at figuring out your mood. This is one of the few times they've been left stumped, clear through the silent conversation they shared as they looked at each other.
"Cowards," Johnny mutters to himself before stomping up to you, with a drawn out, sing-song (but horrendously out of tune) "bonnieeeee" announcing his presence to you. You don't even flinch.
Johnny saddles himself beside you, leaning into you. He offers you his sweetest puppy-dogs to try and placate you before he tests the waters.
"So... what's up?"
The rest of the task force was slowly joining Johnny, you could tell as Price's cigar smoke became more pungent. An explosive move by you has these grown men flinching as you pull out a strip of paper and slam it on the coffee table in front of you, mask flitting to an angry face all the while before returning to "-_-".
Simon reaches the paper first. Delicately opening the thin parchment as Kyle and John peer over his shoulder. Johnny looks up at them but stays by your side.
Simon looks at you.
"A hairdresser?"
"Got it done yesterday," you seethe. "And no one bloody noticed. They're not cheap, you know!"
Johnny tries putting a hand on your shoulder but you jerk it away. There's a heavy moment of silence as you keep laser focused on whatever the hell the television is playing. Your hands grip your biceps as you ensure they stay crossed.
Kyle eventually submits. He kneels before you, not daring to take up all the view of the screen, but just enough for him to be sure you were aware of him.
"Love, I'm gonna ask you a question. Please don't take this the wrong way."
"What?" you grumble.
Kyle takes an audible inhale. He receives an encouraging nod from Price and he needs to take a swallow to prepare. Even you have to admit the anticipation is killing you now, you offer him the relief that he indeed has your attention, mask now set with "?" over the eyes.
"... you have hair?"
You groan and swat him away as Johnny bursts out laughing. Leaning forward with your head in your hands you try to make it seem like your shaking shoulders were from devastation and not because you were laughing too.
"No, Kyle, I just thought I'd go to a hair dresser and admire everyone else's hairdos," you retort once you've recollected yourself.
"Thought you were bald," Simon muses.
"Right back at you, Skull Face."
"I'm sure it looks good, sergeant," Price encourages as he takes the receipt from Simon, inspecting the details.
"At least someone appreciates my efforts unlike the rest of you."
"How about we appreciate it more then, bonnie?" Johnny leans in mischievously. "Take that mask off. Show us how good it looks."
"Actually, I- uh... I got my hair treated. Need to keep this mask on, let it set, you know?"
Kyle tilts his head.
"That's not how it works-?"
"I've been waiting for this bit!" You exclaim as you point at the television screen. Kyle shakes his head with a smile before joining you on the couch, opposite to Johnny. Simon and John also situate themselves around the room, far enough for personal distance but close enough to still take part in conversations, and it's now a typical off-day for the 141. They may not be able to see your face - nor your improved hair - for now, but perhaps one day they'll be graced with the sight. For now, these antics around base will suffice.
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Call of Duty Navigation Masked Reader Masterlist
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munsonsmixtapes · 5 months
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Helloooooo
I'm newer to your page ive been slowly reading your amazing stories.. are you still doing your prompt list stories?? I seen 3 that could work.. 40,42 and 43.. and it made me think or something possibly like this..
Eddie and (maybe plus sized) reader have been together for a while.. she sees a pretty girl/groupie flirting with him after the show (but she doesn't see him walking away from her or telling her that hes taken/not interested.. Reader just gets feral when they get home.. not realizing she's ovulating or something.. and just like gets her frustration out by begging Eddie to claim her fully or something..
sorry my brain has been all over the place.. I just can't get enough of him amd some stories have brought out some sides of me that i didnt know i had haha)
Hope that made sense.. I have a hard time getting what I have in my brain out.. which is why I don't write haha
Hello, lovely! Welcome! Thanks for the request!
Not proofread!
Eddie x fem!shy!plus size!reader
cw: MDNI 18+, smut (p in v), unprotected sex, fingering (f receiving) oral (f receiving), mention of pregnancy
Ever since you and Eddie had gotten together, he had made your relationship his entire personality. He would mention you every chance he got, letting everyone know that he was a taken man and that he was very lucky to have you. Whether it was in an interview, he talking about one of the many songs he had written about you, or introducing you to someone, it didn’t matter. He was so obsessed with you and had to let everyone know just how much he loved you.
Amongst his many nicknames for you, “my girl” was by far his favorite. He used it so often, so much love behind the words that it was clear to everyone that he was head over heels for you. He’d even go as far as singing the song to you while you made breakfast together, spinning you around the kitchen as the lyrics fell from his lips.
“This? Oh, my girl got it for me.”
“The next song is about my girl. I hope you enjoy it.”
“Everyone, I’d like you to meet my girl.”
You were his favorite topic of conversation to the point where it seemed that everyone knew that he was taken just by how much he brought you up in conversation, often unprompted. And anyone who didn’t know or did and flirted with him anyway, he would shut them down so quickly once he realized what was happening. He already had the best thing and wouldn’t have dreamed of ruining it.
You entered the concert venue as everyone was packing things up for the night. Corroded Coffin had just finished a show which you hadn’t been able to get to until after your shift at the bar down the street. You felt horrible for missing it even though Eddie had insisted that it was okay. He just appreciated that you were going to be there at all with your very busy schedule.
You were let in through the back doors and made your way down the hallway to find the all too familiar mop of hair. He was usually waiting right by the door for you, but he wasn’t there. You were starting to panic, but tried to calm yourself down, telling yourself that maybe he was in the bathroom or grabbing his belongings.
You looked all around the building until you spotted him outside his dressing room…talking to a girl. She was beautiful and she was making him laugh. She reached up and touched his hair and instead of stepping in like you knew you should have, you just turned on your heel to leave. You couldn’t watch another second.
What you hadn’t seen when you turned your back was Eddie removing the girls hand from his hair before dropping it. Now he understood what was happening. He took a step back from her until his back almost hit the door.
The thing about Eddie was that sometimes he wasn’t even aware that he was being flirted with. That was something that he still wasn’t used to after years in the industry because of the treatment he had received back home. He just thought they were being friendly until the touches came into play and that was always telltale sign. And then he’d let them down easy, not wanting to hurt their feelings, letting them know that his girl was waiting for him back home.
“Oh,” his eyes widened. “I’m so sorry. I have a girlfriend.” The girls face fell and she almost seemed disgusted by the fact that he was in a relationship.
“Oh,” she pouted. He always felt bad, letting the girls down, but he knew that one of his band mates would be happy to take them off his hands.
“But you know what? I heard that Gareth is looking for someone to take home, if you’re interested,” he winked and her face lit up again.
“Really?”
“Really,” Eddie nodded and opened the dressing room door where the other members of the band were hanging out. “Go get ‘em.”
The girl entered the room and Eddie let out a sigh of relief before turning to his left only to see you turning the corner. He didn’t know where you were going. You always waited for him so he didn’t understand why you were walking away.
He took off, racing after you so he could catch up. He almost tripped a few times, but he got to you, draping an arm over your shoulder as he fell into step with you.
“There’s my girl,” he let out a contented sigh before pressing a kiss to your temple. He tucked you into his side but couldn’t help but notice that you weren’t grabbing a hold of him like you usually did. You always had to be touching him so something was clearly off.
“Nothing to say, hm?” he asked, his lips still pressed to your skin. You weren’t usually talkative after work because you were usually overstimulated, but you would normally at last give him some sort of greeting.
Had he forgotten an important event? Maybe your birthday? No, that had already passed. Maybe your anniversary? No, that wasn’t until next month. Whatever it was, he definitely needed to apologize.
You and Eddie didn’t fight often, but when you did, it didn’t take very long for you both to make up. He was normally the first to apologize, hating to see the angry look on your face. He just wanted to make everything right so you could cuddle up in your bed. He just wanted you to be happy and hated when he was the one to be the cause of your unhappiness.
But he wanted to wait until you brought up what was bothering you. He never wanted to pry and hoped that you knew that he was willing to listen to whatever was going on in your head, no matter how ridiculous it seemed.
So, you spent the whole walk to his van and the whole ride home talking about your nights. He listened to you tell him about what happened at the bar and he told you how great the show went, not leaving out any detail.
It almost seemed like a normal night except for the obvious tension between the two of you. Neither one of you were going to be the first to bring it up, so it sat between you, like a jack in the box and you both were afraid to crank it first, not wanting to see the thing pop up.
Eddie rested his hand on your thigh like he normally did and even thought you were upset with him, you weren’t going to deny his affection. You loved the way his rough skin felt on yours and you felt like you needed him to show you just how much he wanted you.
You wanted him compliment you as he pounded into you, causing you to let out countless moans. You wanted to feel his lips everywhere. Your neck, your tits, your pussy. You just needed his head between your thighs so badly that you were getting wet just thinking about it.
Eddie pulled up to the house that you shared and was quick to help you out of the van, still keeping a hold of your hand as he opened the garage door. You pulled your hand out of his as soon as the door was open and headed inside.
He needed to beg if he wanted to get lucky. Not that it would take much for you to give in. You would have done anything he told you just by him flashing his million dollar smile, his dark brown eyes shining.
Eddie followed you into the house and up the stairs, noticing how loudly you were stomping as you took each step. He usually liked pissing you off just to get the reaction he liked, but never to this level. He had really fucked up and he didn’t even know what he had done.
You got to your shared room and slammed the door once you were inside. Eddie winced at the sound and decided that he finally had enough. He had to get to the bottom of the problem.
“Alright.” He opened the door, not even bothering to close it. He couldn’t go any longer without knowing why you were so pissed at him. “What’s on your mind?”
How could he not know? He was laughing with another girl then acted like it was nothing? Maybe he wasn’t into you as much as you thought. Maybe what you had wasn’t as special as you had assumed. Maybe this was just the beginning of the end.
“Nothing, Eddie. Let’s just go to bed.” You really weren’t in the mood to start another fight with him.
“No, we’re gonna talk about this.” He put his hands on his hips. Wayne always told him to never go to bed angry and he intended on sticking to that advice.
“Fine, you wanna know what’s wrong?” You crossed your arms over your chest.
“Tell me, angel,” he stepped forward. “Please.”
“I saw you with her.” His eyebrows furrowed, trying to figure out who you could have been talking about.
“With who?” He had no idea what you were referring to and just wanted you to come out and say it.
“The groupie outside your dressing room.” Oh. He had completely forgotten about her as soon as she entered the dressing room. He couldn’t believe you were jealous of her. You were always the only girl on his mind.
“You’re jealous,” he chuckled and you just scoffed. You couldn’t believe that he was laughing at your pain.
“So what if am?” He wasn’t expecting you to admit it so easily, but he appreciated the honesty.
“There’s no need to be jealous, honey,” he rested his hands on your shoulders, giving them a reassuring squeeze. “You’re the one I love, remember?”
He had always said the word so easily, so matter-of-fact, as if he was telling you the weather forecast.
“You love me.” You crossed your arms over your chest, needing a little more than that to be convinced.
“Of course I do.” He gave your shoulders another squeeze before sliding his hands down to yours, holding them.
“Prove it.” You raised an eyebrow, challenging him. You wanted proof, needed it in fact.
“What?” He let out a scoff at your words. It wasn’t like you to have so much confidence in your words. You were usually so shy and quiet, but he liked seeing this new side of you.
“Prove it,” you repeated and he just let out another chuckle.
“How am I supposed to do that?” He stopped laughing once he saw you weren’t joking. You meant what you said, but he was going to do whatever you asked. He just wanted you to not be upset with him anymore. He needed to see your pretty smile.
“Beg.” Your eyes darkened as you spoke and Eddie’s widened at how authoritative you had become. You were so hot like this.
“Beg?”
“Beg,” you removed one of your hands from his and pointed to the floor. “On your knees.” He didn’t know why he was finding your bossy behavior so hot, but his dick was definitely hardening.
Eddie lowered himself to the floor, your hands still in his. He looked up at you and you loved seeing him from that point of view. He looked so small unlike his usual tall stature.
“I love you so much, angel,” he said, bringing your hands up to his lips. “So so much. You’re my girl and I’d never even think about cheating on you. You have no reason to be jealous, I swear.”
He grabbed a hold of your waist, burying his face into your stomach. Your hands found their way into his hair, giving his scalp a scratch. You figured he had suffered enough, but just needed one more thing.
“I’m so sorry. I wish you had told me how you were feeling sooner so I could reassure you.”
“I know how you could reassure me.” You were trying to sound flirty, but weren’t sure if you were doing it right. Flirting was always Eddie’s thing.
“How?” He asked, pulling back to look up at you.
“I need you.” Eddie was quick to stand up, trying to understand what you mean.
“I’m right here, honey.” He pulled you into his arms, giving you a tight hug. His hand rubbed your back in a comforting manner and normally, you would have taken that, but not tonight. You needed more. You needed to feel his skin against yours. His cock inside you.
“No, Eddie. I need you.” Your eyes darkened again and he was finally catching on to what you were meaning.
“Oh,” he let out a laugh. “That was all you had to say.” He hands wrapped around your waist and he pulled you into a kiss, capturing your bottom lip between his two. He took no time to lick into your mouth while his hands reached for the bottom of your shirt. He pulled it up over your head and let it fall to the floor.
You unbuttoned his shirt and threw it behind you before attaching your lips to his, taking no time to plunge your tongue into his mouth. You backed him up to the bed and pushed him down onto it before straddling his waist.
“You’re so hot,” he breathed as your lips moved down to his neck, giving it a suck before moving back up to his mouth.
“You’re hotter.” Eddie quickly flipped you over so you were the one on the mattress and you let out a gasp at the sudden movement. He straddled your waist and pinned your wrists to the bed before going straight for your shoulder.
“No, baby. You’re the hottest. Your body is fucking killer.” Eddie loved your body. You weren’t skinny by any means, but that just gave him more love on. He loved pressing kisses to every inch of skin he could find, loving to give special attention to your stretch marks. He thought they were cute and that they made you unique.
“You think so?”
“I know so, honey,” he pulled back to look at you. “Want me to show you?” His face lit up as he said the words and it made you even more wet knowing that he was so happy to show you just how much he liked your body.
“Please,” you whined and he kissed his way down to your chest, pressing a kiss right in the center of it, right above the middle of your bra. “Take it off,” you commanded.
He pressed another kiss to the skin and moved his hands behind your back, unhooking it as slowly as he possibly could. He could hear your sighs of frustration and tried to hold back his chuckle. He very slowly undid each hook and removed the bra completely, letting it clatter to the floor beside the bed.
Eddie then pinned you back down to the mattress and looked down at you with a devilish grin. He was always such a fucking tease.
“You’re even hotter than I remember,” he complimented as he stared down at your tits.
“I got hotter just from last night?”
“Sure did. Now hush, honey. I’m about to do my best work.” He moved one of his hands to your nipple, massaging it with the pad of his thumb, just enough for to make it hard before he brought his mouth to it. He licked a stripe across it before giving it a suck.
“Oh,” you let out a moan and he took that as an invitation to bring it between his teeth giving it a little nibble. “Oh, Eddie.”
He did the exact same thing to the other nipple, eliciting more pretty sounds from you and he was eating it up. He loved that only he could get that reaction from you.
Eddie kissed his way down your stomach and stopped once he got to your waist. He pressed a featherlight peck to each of your stretch marks before looking up at you.
“Can I remove-“
“Yes,” you cut him off, getting desperate for him to get it over with.
“Needy,” he chuckled.
“And you’re a tease. I need your mouth on my clit.” You couldn’t take it anymore.
“Whatever the princess wants, the princess gets.” He unbuttoned your pants and pulled them off of you in one quick more before letting them fall to the floor in a messy pile behind him. He then reached for your underwear and slid them off before tossing them behind him. He lowered himself onto his knees then spread your legs and let out a whistle as he got a look at your pussy.
“Already wet for me, hm?” His fingers lightly grazed your cunt and you gave him that look that he knew all too well. You hated when he messed with you like this, but he did it just to see that angry look in your eyes. It never failed to make him hard. 
“I think we both know the answer to that.” Eddie liked you best when you were like that, all angry and bothered.
“Wow, doll,” his fingers stayed where they are, moving back and forth so you got a little sensation but not the full thing. Eddie liked it when you begged. “That just might be a record.” 
“Stop fucking around.” You usually liked the little games he liked to play, but not tonight.
“Someone’s eager,” he teased with a smirk and you were honestly on the verge of pleasuring yourself since he was taking too long. This was always how it went so you didn’t know why you ever expected anything different.  
“Of course I’m eager, I’m-” your words were cut off when Eddie thrusted his fingers into your pussy. “Oh.”
“That’s right, doll.” His fingers pumped in and out, causing you to let out a moan. 
“Eddie,” you whined and he just smirked. 
“Say my name, honey.” He continued, thrusting them harder and faster as you let out another moan, grasping as the bedding underneath you, needing something to grab onto.
“Need your mouth, Eds,” you mewled and he removed his fingers before draping your legs over his shoulders. He pressed a kiss to each thigh before diving into your pussy and you let out a gasp. He licked a stripe from your slit to your clit before shoving it into your pussy, swirling it around as your hands dug further into the bedding.
You let out a loud moan and Eddie only buried his face further into your cunt, grazing the thing with his teeth and that drove you wild. You almost screamed at the sensation and Eddie did it once more to hear the sound again. Your thighs tightened at the feeling, causing them the press against the side of his head and he spread them, removing himself from your cunt.
You let out a whine at his absence and he ripped off his pants, desperate to be inside you. He moved to his bedside table and reached for his box of condoms, only to find that it was empty.
“I’m okay with it if you are,” you told him, seeing what the issue was. And you were okay with it. You suddenly liked the idea of feeling his bare cock inside of you.
“You’re sure? What about-“
“If I get pregnant, I get pregnant,” you shrugged. The two of you had talked about having a baby and even discussed trying, but he didn’t think it would be so soon. He couldn’t have been more happy, though. He loved the idea of having a baby that was a product of the two of you making love to each other.
“You want to have a baby with me?” His face lit up. Sure, being a rockstar was cool, but he was convinced that being a father and husband were the roles he was convinced he was put on this earth for.
“I’d be honored to have a baby with you, Eds.” You didn’t know why he was asking since you had talked about it at length.
“Well, there’s no time like the present,” he smiled, ripping off his underwear. He lined himself up with your pussy and slowly slid his dick into you. You let out a small noise as the sensation. You never had unprotected sex before so it felt a little odd at first, but you had to admit that you liked the way it felt, that there was no barrier between his cock and your pussy.
Eddie slowly thrusted into you, wanting it to be nice and sweet for once. He wanted this to be a sweet moment between the two of you. Something you’d remember for the rest of your lives.
His hands gripped your hips as he pumped in and out, paying you compliment after compliment, showering you with the sweetest words as he thrusted inside you, assuring you of his love for you.
You let out moan after moan as he pumped into you and you grabbed onto him, pressing your face into his neck. His thrusted a little harder and your fingers dug into his back, but not enough to actually hurt him.
“Taking me so well, honey,” he said, pumping a little faster and harder. He was just testing the waters to see what you liked without the condom.
“Eddie,” was all you were able to say, your words getting slurred as your head leaned back.
“I know, princess,” he brushed some sweaty hair out of your face. “Got one more for me, hon?”
“One more,” you repeated. He gave a couple more thrusts, these ones harder and faster than before and you let out the most pretty moans he had ever heard come from your mouth. He hadn’t thought you’d liked it rough, but he supposed his was wrong.
He pulled out and lowered you to the mattress before cleaning you up and getting you some fresh pajamas from the drawer you had them tucked away in. He helped you change into them then got into his own before getting you both under the covers.
You turned over to face him and you wrapped your arms around each other, tangling your legs together as you did so. He couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he looked at you, the love of his life. God, he was so fucking lucky.
“I love you,” he smiled, bringing one of his hands up to your face and you smiled as well.
“I love you too.” He pressed a soft kiss to your lips in response.
“You’re going to be a great mom.” His thumb rubbed back and forth along your cheek and you closed your eyes, loving the way it felt. You could tell he meant the words, not only because he never said anything he didn’t mean, but also because of the way he looked when he said it, his eyes all soft and sweet.
“And you’re going to be a great dad.” He felt himself tearing up at your words and yours teared up too. He pulled you in for another kiss and the two of you drifted off to sleep, thinking of nothing but cribs and high chairs and the extra bedroom you had that would have made a perfect nursery. Maybe if things went right, you’d actually be parents.
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dezznuggz · 7 months
Text
The Parents of the Friend group. |Part 1
Steve Harrington × reader
~the party already knows about yours and Steve's relationship and even before you and Steve got together, they made it pretty clear that Steve is the mom and you're the dad. Plain and simple
Warning: playfully bullying Steve, mentions of season 2, mentions of the upside down, reader pronouns she/her, y/n used a couple times
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With everything that the party member went through at a young age, you and Steve always cared and protected them with any chance y'all get. With that being said, Steve made it a monthly thing to have the kids (including Robin and Eddie) sleepover for at least a night just so they can enjoy themselves young and to also ease Steve's paranoia of not knowing when another type of monster will appear out of the blue. You didn't have a problem with the idea of course mostly since you loved the kids as if they were your own kids but it gets tiring after a while, mostly when it's in your own home.
Tossing and turning in bed while hearing loud chatters in the distance. Moving around to grab a hold of Steve and hopefully cuddle back to sleep but you feel the other side of the bed empty.
Is it the 24th already?
Groggily getting out of bed still half asleep and walking to the bathroom to freshen up and get ready for one hell of a day. After wearing something more appropriate and becoming wide awake, you mentally prepare yourself to walk out into the chaos. When you open the door, everything suddenly becomes clearer and louder. You see Erica and Dustin arguing about what channel to put on. Max and Robin are practically attacking Lucas for his poor taste in comics. Eddie, Mike, and Will try explaining d&d to El (who clearly is not interested). Then you see the main person that you wanted to spend your morning with, but they were clearly occupied and busy. Already heading to the kitchen to your lover to say good morning while giving a peck on the lips.
"Every month...every month, I don't even know why I'm surprised anymore" you say while looking at the hoard of people in the living room talking over each other. "I swear they're little geniuses but when it comes to being on time, they're rather late or too early and today is one of those days." Steve says while mixing a bowl of pancakes batter. "Remember you wanted this, so you can't fully blame them." You say while warming up a cup of coffee, "oh no no no, you can't partially blame me for this, don't act as if you didnt want them around either" Steve says while looking from the pancake batter then to you with a small smile. Okay maybe you also found comfort in having the kids around including Robin and Eddie, it feels more home warming but it's the mess they leave after. "Well...I'm not sure what I can say to that other than calling dibs to drop off the kids" you say frantically before leaving the kitchen and into the living room while hearing Steve trying to call you back in the kitchen.
Once you step in the living room, you weren't sure if you wanted to go back and continue the conversation that you just had with Steve or try to at least have the kids calm down and lower their voices. "Jesus I don't know how you deal with this nerd, all he does is shove facts down your throat!" Erica practically yells at you before walking away from Dustin who is hot on her tail. "Oh IM THE NERD, you practically have the whole pony lore merged in your girly little brain" Dustin yells back at Erica while also passing by you and saying a quiet good morning (which you say good morning back).
"okay well let's leave that to Steve.." you say under your breath before walking to the little closet room in yours and Steve's house to pull out blankets and more pillows already preparing for tonight and maybe for a game that will last till night out. "Hey!" Will said pretty loudly in your ear which had you flinching a little, "Oh my God, what happened, I thought you were with Eddie and Mike? Did you forget your toothbrush again? Or was it your underwear again? You know Steve doesn't really mind besides he barley knows." You ramble and ask multiple questions to Will and whispering the last part knowing that it happened once and he trusted in only telling you. "WHAT no I'm fine, everything's fine, I just wanted to help out a little you know since it's the least we can do" Will says in a soft tone. "Oh no it's okay honey... Well you know what, maybe a little help wouldn't hurt right?" You say hesitantly, knowing how Steve gets when the kids actually help around. He tends to take control but not in a mean way more of a 'just rest my child and I'll take care of you' typa way. "Okay I need you to carry this... And this, and hold this one for me please....oh can't forget Max's..." You say while stacking pillows and blankets in Will's arms which slowly starts piling up to the point that his face is no longer able to be seen.
"is that it?..." Will asks while trying to peep his head out a little just to see if there are any more blankets, "umm....no you know what that's about it, good job buddy" you say before patting Will's shoulder indicating that he should follow you. Both you and Will walk to the living room to find everyone gone then you hear a faint voice counting. "Okay that's 2,4,6,8....8?" Steve says after counting heads to make sure everyone was sat at the table ready to eat although with so much noise and talking going around he can't seem to know if he counted wrong. But just as Steve suspected, he did count wrong as 2 more people walked into the dining room. "Ah there you guys are, okay so that's 10 in total" Steve says with a relief but his cheery tone went away as he saw Will's bottom half since the other half was covered with piles of blankets and pillows. "Babe we talked about this, if you need help call me, now look what you have done to the boy, I can't even see him" Steve says dramatically. You let out a sigh as you take the pillows and blankets from Will and told him to sit down and eat, "it's fine babe he offered and I took it, it's not gonna hurt him. And besides you seemed a little busy so I didn't want to disturb you." You say trying to calm a dramatic Steve down since you always are the one to just take things with a flow while Steve is the one to control the flow.
"I'm not gonna tell you again, if you ever need help just call me over and I'll be there, okay?" Steve says while looking down at you waiting for a response, "sure." You say just to please Steve, "good, now sit down and eat before it gets cold" Steve says with a more cheery tone as he presses a kiss on your lips.
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"UNOOO!!" Eddie exclaims very loudly which caused the kids to groan since they know that Eddie's cheating but they just can't prove it. Everyone was currently sitting on the floor around the little coffee table in the middle of the living room. Everyone decided to play uno after a long argument on how we should play it due to Dustin being competitive and wanting a specific way to play like whether or not we can jump in or pair up with someone. Everyone told him that we're just gonna play uno for the fun of it with no arguments and no competition, which never happened. Steve and you ended up teaming up and showing each other y'all's cards, Erica started becoming aggressive towards Lucas who kept +4 her. "Is there a problem between you and me cause last time I checked, we're blood related and BLOOD RELATED PEOPLE DONT BETRAY EACHOTHER!" Erica screams in Lucas's face while Lucas laughs at her overreacting. "Woah okay Erica calm down, here take my +4 and you'll get him next time when we reverse." Steve says to Erica while passing the card across the table to Erica who simply denied it and said that she didn't want his pity. "Let her fuss it out babe, she'll get over it" you say while laughing a little since you were Erica's babysitter at some point of time, so you knew how long Erica's little tantrums would last.
As the game ended with Robin somehow winning and multiple arguments breaking out. We all went out separate ways as it was almost time for dinner. You and Steve both walk into the kitchen just to finally enjoy y'all's personal time (even though y'all live together). With you deciding that you don't wanna cook, and Steve not knowing what to cook, you both agreed to order Chinese food. It was cheap and the most agreeable among the party members. Pizza was always complicated for the party, Lucas liked olives while Robin was allergic, and El liked pineapple on hers which Eddie completely despised to be in sight of pineapple pizza. Everyone had their own pizza preference that was just too much to order all together but Chinese food is what got everyone to enjoy (although you weren't a fan of Chinese food but you'll eat it for the kids).
Steve finished the order for Chinese food that we will soon have to pick up but in the mean time it was just you and Steve. Steve and you. Both embracing and enjoying each other's company even when yall aren't doing anything but it just felt so comfortable and loving. You sat on the counter with your feet dangling and Steve between your thighs while looking up at you and admiring you as if you were an angel. "You ever think about having kids" Steve asks with a foolish grin across his face, "woah, a very unexpected question at the moment" you say giggling but slowly stopped when you saw Steve still waiting for an answer, "I don't know, maybe,...actually yeah but as long as it's your kids" you say also with a foolish grin which made Steve blush "you know I actually want 6 kids, I don't remember telling you that" Steve says looking deep in your eyes, "oh trust me I remember you specifically telling me how many and what their names would be" you exclaim while rolling your eyes playfully since you have indeed heard multiple times and it's not like your complaining, infact you loved the idea of Steve also seeing his future with you and you guys are only 20 years old. "Let's get married" Steve says with a straight face and you let out a laugh but stop and clear your throat when Steve still looks at you with a straight face, "you're serious? Okay umm listen Steve I love you, I really do and I don't even want to imagine a life without you but we're 20 and we both work at a minimum wage job that barley pays for rent." You say rambling a little, "but trust me when I tell you this, I wanna get married with you so bad and specifically only you but just not right now or at least where we're at right now" you try to say with a little bit of a cheery voice so you don't totally break Steve's heart, "I promise" you say while holding out your pinky Infront of Steve's pouty face, "okay but is it okay if we have kids before we get married?" Steve asks before he even locks both of y'all's pinkies together "whatever makes you happy babe" you tell Steve with a toothy grin knowing that it would cheer Steve up, he then locks both of y'all's pinkies together and gives you a very passionate kiss that caused you to let out a little giggle in the middle of it.
"oh dude, I thought Robin said no public pda" Mike exclaims with a face of disgust before walking and purposely bumping into Steve's back to get a cold water bottle from the fridge. "Dude we're trying our best to keep it private", Steve says in a very judging tone, "you know Mike, me and Steve have seen you and El kiss but you don't see us making a big scene, have you tried growing up a little?" You say to Mike cause this isn't the first time that you and Mike have had this conversation about pda. "if it requires me growing up and becoming anything like y'all, I'd rather stay young and immature" Mike says before walking off but not before steve tells him to watch his tone. "I'm pretty sure he just called us old in so many different ways" you say to Steve, "he just doesn't get it cause he doesn't know what REAL love is, all he knows is young love....and I'm not old, trust I'm never gonna look old either" Steve says before fixing his hair with a pouty face which you laugh at cause you know how dramatic Steve gets when it comes to his age and specifically his looks.
"oh stop whining, we all know that you're gonna get grey hairs by soon mostly with all the stress the kids keep giving you" Robin suddenly comes in the kitchen startling you both just a little. "Okay first of all shut up and don't jinx it, and second who was talking to you?" Steve says in a very sassy tone since his hair is "his best feature" so God forbid anything happens to it. You let out a breathy laugh as Robin kept adding more gas into the fire. "Oh what's so funny huh, you do know you're gonna end up with grey hairs too so we'll both look 50 in our 30s" Steve says which causes you to stop laughing and before you can say anything Robin practically speaks for you, "uh no she won't, cause the kids are scared of her so they always act right around her but with you Steve, oh boy do they give you hell. In fact I'm pretty sure they only listen to y/n" Robin says with a small smirk on her lips. "Oh that's so not true!" Steve says raising his voice a little to state that he completely disagrees with Robin, "yea it is, remember at Byers house during fall, when you know the whole incident happened." You say trying to get Steve to recall what exactly happened that night, "yea what about it?" Steve says still not remembering how that night has anything to do with what they were walking about.
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Fall night 1984:
You and Steve were trusted to take care of the kids. It wasn't anything new to you when it came to having full responsibility of the kids. It practically came as a free side job for you since you protected the kids without any questions asked or needed. For Steve on the other hand, his first time taking care of 5 kids at once and he felt like there was so much responsibility in his hands. He just felt the need to take full control due to the fear of not being able to know what the kids are doing 24/7 at the moment.
With Mike and Lucas arguing about Mike panicking and Dustin having Steve shove a demo-dog in ms.byers fridge it all felt hectic to you but nothing that you couldn't handle. The only calm one that was there was max due to it being her first rodeo and completely confused about the whole situation. Suddenly all the kids start making up a plan on how to help El and everyone else that's heading towards the lab that's filled with deadly creatures. While hearing this plan Steve completely shuts it down. "Yea and then we all die" Steve says making it clear that he totally disapproves of their idea, "well that's one point of view" you say in a sarcastic way, "no y/n that's not one point of view, that's a fact" Steve says with an attitude mostly since you're the other adult that's supposed to help him out but isn't even backing him up. You then raise your hands in surrender and give Steve a mocking face before going back to sweeping up glass with max. Mike then walks off with everyone following right behind him, you and Max decide to forget about the glass pieces since there're definitely way more important things to focus on.
With Mike making a master plan of setting up the underground base on fire and having Dustin,max, and Lucas add onto the idea Steve finally attempts to put his foot down. "We're staying here, ON THE BENCH, and we're waiting for the starting team to do their job, does everybody understand that" Steve says in a demanding tone, "THIS ISN'T A STUPID SPORTS GAME?!" Mike complains to Steve but Steve still stood his ground "I said does everybody understand that, I need a yes.." Steve says pointing his fingers at the kids waiting for a response. "We don't need to listen to you" Mike says still annoyed at Steve, "okay you know what, that's enough...y/n control your kids" steve finally starts talking to you but all you did was respond with crossing your arms and shrugging your shoulders as a sign that there's really not much to say. "Oh seriously you're in on this too!?" Steve exclaims in a flabbergasted tone, "I don't know what to say Steve, it sounds like a really good plan". "Yea a good plan to get us killed". "We're not gonna die okay they know what they're doing!". "Yes imma let a bunch of kids guide me into saving the world, yea sure why not jump off a cliff while I'm at it!",
you and Steve bicker back and forth till you finally give in just to calm Steve down and to get him to shut up, "alright kids you heard him, this plan just might get us killed, steve and only steve thinks its best for us to stay put here" you say in a very rude tone to show that you also dont approved of steves idea, "but-" lucas wanted to say something but went completely quiet when you gave him a look to not talk back "we understand". "fine". "Sure". "Whatever" was the only response you got from the kids as they all got up from the floor but completely halted in their steps when they heard a very loud engine outside...
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"okay that doesn't even count, they kids were getting used to me at that time so they just don't understand how scary I can get, they listen to me. I know they do it's just y'all aren't around or y'all don't remember" Steve says still trying to defend himself which causes you and Robin to laugh at Steve's attempt. "You're right that's one of the many times that the kids listened to y/n but if you want I can go on and on and on" Robin says trying to rile Steve up and laughing through her sentence, "okay you know what I think it's time for us to pick up the food" Steve says before walking into the living room filled with many people that just seem to be in their own world, "alright who wants to come with me and get the food?.." steve says loud enough for then to hear but there still was no response given to him, you weren't even sure if they heard him. "HEY! Who wants to go with Steve and pick up the food!?" You say loudly which caused everyone's attention on you and still no response but instead everyone is looking at each other to see who's willing to volunteer and go with Steve, "no one? Okay... Dustin go with Steve" you say short and simple which caused Dustin to let out a dramatic groan, "why do I gotta go, make Mike go or max go" Dustin whines to you, "no complaints now get up and get the food. NOW!?" you reply to Dustin's complaints and say the last part loudly since you didn't see him move until you raised your voice.
You then walked up to Steve giving him a pat on the shoulder and a kiss on the cheek before walking to the bathroom. Everyone goes back to their own world again and Steve still is a little mad at the fact that the kids do only listen to you and never Steve.
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Everyone's back at the dining table and there is not a single moment that's silent. Everything is everywhere. Things being passed around in front of everyone, people calling other people's attention from across the table and loud laughter filling the air. It didn't bother you at all, okay maybe a little but you also don't know how else you would prefer the kids to be.
You suddenly snap out of your little thoughts when max mentions your name. "Y/n literally wears the pants of the relationship" max tells Steve, who is still flabbergasted at the fact that the kids listen to only you, "no she doesn't, I think that me and her both are equal in our relationship, right babe" Steve then turns to you asking for your input and opinion, "max we're equal there's no one that wears the pants okay...but I do have to take the lead sometimes" you say the last part quietly but not quite enough for Steve to not hear. "Okay first of all you don't take the lead ALL the time and I wouldn't even put it as you taking the lead, more like you knowing what's better" Steve says defending himself, "oh so she does take the lead I knew it" Eddie then chimes in the conversation out of nowhere, "no she doesn't are you guys even listening to what I'm saying?!" Steve says in a frantic way since he feels as if he's being attacked.
"Wait you're telling me that throughout all the shit we've been through, y/n has always been the decision maker?!" Eddie says in a shocked tone from connecting dots in his mind, "what no of course I make decisions too, you guys act as if I don't do anything!?" Steve raises his voice slightly which causes max and Eddie to laugh out loudly which also causes everyone else's conversation to cut off and wanting to know what's so funny. "We didn't say you don't do anything, we're just saying that you mostly listen to y/n. It honestly seems as if she wears the pants in the relationship" Eddie says while still laughing, this causes others who have been listening to laugh too. "I think we all made it clear that y/n wears the pants, I mean like look at them" max says while gesturing her hands toward me and Steve which causes us to look at each other up and down.
"It's like Steve is the mom and y/n is the dad can we all make that clear" Robin says and everyone else agrees with a small response. "Wait what?" You say a little confused on how the subject can change fast but not the topic which was y'all two, you and Steve being the target and center of the conversation. "Yea I mean you guys are like an old married couple that love each other, I think that's pretty obvious right?" Lucas says that also has everyone else agreeing with him. "Steve is so strict and paranoid like a mom and y/n is so chill and a floater like a dad." Mike adds to Lucas's statement that causes Erica to butt in, "Steve yells at me for not taking my shoes off when I walk in, y/n doesn't even bat an eye about it" Erica's comment left Steve flabbergasted. This had Steve more aware of how motherly he's been acting through the past years. "So I'm the lame, no fun boring mom while y/n is the cool fun dad?!?" Steve asks as if clarification to make sure that what they're saying to him is correct. "Pretty much". "Yea honestly". "if the show fits". "Yea" was the response Steve gets from the kids, "that's so not true I can be fun. Matter in fact I'm totally fun it's just not with y'all. I'm so fun that you guys wouldn't be able to handle me." Steve rants about how fun he is just to prove that he's not a boring mom but that doesn't seem to get to the kids, "that's exactly what a mom would say" Dustin then says to stop Steve from going on and on about "how fun he is", and this time it left Steve silent, infact it left the whole table silent waiting to see what else Steve has left to say but clearly he had nothing.
The silence caused you to let out a little snort of laughter which caused everyone to look at you. Seeing Steve get terrorized by a bunch of kids was too funny to hold in that Steve himself laughed. With you and Steve laughing this caused everyone else to laugh along. Everyone then went back to their regular conversation as if nothing happened.
You then looked at Steve with a cocky grin, "I'm their favorite parent" you say while smirking at him, "don't start" Steve says while rolling his eyes playfully and chuckling.
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With everything that has happened in the last 15 hours, the party members calmly agreed to end the day off with a movie. Robin, max, Erica, and El had the couch while everyone else had the floor. The girls wanted you to be on the couch with them but you wanted to end the day with you being in Steve's arms. "Okay everyone brushed their teeth?" Steve asks before he gets himself comfortable and sitting on the floor next to you, "yes MOM" Will says in a joking way which caused Steve to let out a huff then laugh a little. "Come on guys leave him alone, lord knows how many grey hairs you're going to give him by 30" you say in a teasing tone that caused everyone to laugh. "Oooo you're lucky I love you" Steve says after turning off all the light and putting the movie on and laying next to you.
The movie goes on for a while until everyone is out cold. All the junk they ate today completely drained them out. "You know I don't mind being the mom anymore" Steve says all of a sudden, "really? Why's that?" You say a little curious about the sudden change of opinion, "it lets me know that the kids know that I care for them even if it means I'm not fun." Steve says in a low voice trying not to wake everyone up, "I think they already know that you care for them. They just say that to get a rise out of you", you say letting out a breathy laugh that you covered with your mouth. "At least they aren't scared of me" Steve says trying to make himself feel better, "well at least they think I'm fun" you reply back in an instant to Steve's remark. "At least we're viewed as their parents" Steve says looking into your eyes with a boyish grin. "You know what, you're right, at least they look up to us" you reply back to Steve before leaning in to kiss him which Steve kissed back in an instant.
"WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!?!" Mike exclaims in a loud tone since he just caught you and Steve making out AGAIN.
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Pls don't be a silent reader and I hope u enjoyed
259 notes · View notes
nattyluvs · 1 year
Text
things you love about bf!skz
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pairing: boyfriend!skz x gn!reader
warnings: fluff, drabbles cursing(?), mentions of being a princess
wordcount: 1.3k
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bang chan
out of the year or so you two have dated, you haven't failed to notice how observant chan is. even if its something very small thats different about you, he will always point it out.
"there's a bruise on the side of your thigh, what happened?" he would ask, concerningly.
even when you get new clothes, he notices. "are those pants new? they look good on you" he says with a grin on his face. you're starting to believe his brain has yo enter new data everytime theres something different about your appearance.
or the time where you had come back from hanging out with your friends, and the next morning he said "did you get a new piercing? your ear has an extra hole."
chan would point out. this specific scenario ended up with your reply, "channie, how did you even notice...? i took the piercing out already." which thoughtfully, he responded "what can i say, the longer i look at your the more i notice"
lee know
when someone says "dont judge a book by its cover" it definetly applies to people, especially lee know. before getting to know him, he was a completely different person. he cares more than you'd think, almost too much you'd feel like a burden.
like the one time you went out to a private club to celebrate a friend's birthday. you had gotten a little more than tipsy, accidently calling lee know to tell him "how much you miss your boyfriend" and "i need a hug from my boyfriend right now" which gave him the signal to drive his car out to pick you and your friends up, even letting them stay the night at your house.
everytime your mood even changes slightly, he gets worried. even if nothing had even happened to you. he always asks "are you okay love?" and makes sure to take over cooking for that night (and cook very well, mind you) he just wants to make sure you're always happy, because if you're sad, he's sad.
changbin
one thing about changbin is that he's always worried about you. especially for your safety. sometimes it gets a little out of hand, he freaked out when you tripped while you were walking after your date.
you were wearing a new pair of shoes you hadn't gotten used to.
of course, you hadn't fallen to the ground. you kept your balance before you could fall. although, with his quick reflexes he grabbed your waist to pull you back up. (even though you werent going to fall)
changbin being the person he is, proceeded to say, "i know we just went on a date, but dont hurt yourself falling for me sweetheart." you lightly shoved him, annoyed at the cheesy line and embarassed at the petname. to make sure you didnt hurt yourself again, he kept one of his hands on your back, as if he was guiding the way.
hyunjin
no matter how many people are in a room, hyunjin is always looking at you. you first noticed this a little after you had first met. your roomate had invited jisung over, which led to hyunjin coming too. you were all having a conversation at the dinner table, but the only thing you could focus on was the way
hyunjin was looking at you so intensely.
later when you two had eventually starting dating, you had come to discover that was his "im interested in this thing infront of me" face. like how he stared at paintings in an art gallery he found interesting, he stared at you in the same amazement.
another time was after you decided to become a trainee. you and 7 other nee friends were going to perform a cover of one of stray kids' songs. this was a few years after they debuted, and since you two began dating before his debut, obviously he was thrilled when you were on stage covering his song. you could see him in the vip area, embarassingly blowing kisses and hearts at you. he had on a "disguise" but you could tell it was him from a mile away.
han jisung
jisung is overly thoughtful. he likes to express his love for you through words, and tries to do it regularly, as if you're going to forget he loves you. one of the ways he expresses this undying love for you is through sticky notes. specifically, he bought different colors for everyday of the week.
for the days you came back from work late, he left a note on the kitchen counter, usually resulting in seeing him asleep on the couch with the tv playing. you felt bad he tried to stay awake in order to see you when you got home, but his effort was appreciated. the notes usually consisted or something like, "y/n! i hope you had a good day at work, even if you didnt i'm still proud of you. theres food in the fridge for you! - love hannie"
the other way he expressed his love for you was through his music. you went to the studio to suprise him one time, and overheard on a conversation including chan and changbin. they were complaining about how all of the songs han wrote were love songs. you could tell they appreciated it, but an entire album can't be love songs. it was even more embarassing for han when you had accidently heard one of his unreleased songs, a sweet love song, lyrics flowing perfectly with his voice.
felix
one habit felix will never get out of is touching. even before you dated, you could tell he was a skinship person. no matter what, he feels the need to touch you at all times. whether its a hug, holding hands, or even touching your fingers. you don't mind of course. you think its sweet.
he even admitted that theres this feeling of uneasy-ness when he isn't near you. even if you are near eachother, he has the urge to do something in order to be touching you, like a sense of overprotecting.
even doing simple things, like while making dinner, he has to be hugging you from the back. or while you're cutting up some vegatables, he feels the need to guide your hand while you cut, as if it was the first time you picked up a knife. whenever you walk side by side, hands are always entertwined. sitting down at the dinner table? his hand is on your thigh, or ontop of your hand.
seungmin
seungmin thinks about you alot, even if he doesnt admit it to your face. something you've realized is how much attention he pays when you speak, always remembering small things you tell him.
like the time you were on lunch break at work, scrolling through whatever social media app, you sent him a desert recipe you wanted to try sometime. a day or so later, you got home and he had followed tbe recipe in order to make it, even if it wasn't perfect. he wants to make you happy and keep it that way.
or how when he asked to be your boyfriend, he got you and him matching necklaces. because beforehand you had told him about your friend and their boyfriend, and how they got matching bracelets and they were so cure. saying how "you'd love to have a matching item with someone"
jeongin
he loves spoiling you, no matter how much you refuse and try to repay him. he always says "your happiness and love is the only payment i need" with a smile on his face. he was so sweet, but you wanted to make sure he was happy too sometimes.
if you see something through the window of a store you like? hes already at the counter getting ready to pay. It would take 3 hands to count the amount of times he had to fight for the bill, not wanting to make you pay for it. you felt bad not paying for your portion of the meal, no matter how much he reassured you.
he makes sure to give you princess treatment if you're feeling even the slightest bit down. when you had a bad day at work, he immediately out everything else he was supposed to do aside, and planned a relaxing spa evening at home for you. together, you did skincare, massages, and he even let you paint his nails.
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likes and reblogs are appreciated!
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a/n: sorry a few of them are longer than the other ones, thinking of writing a fic based off of one of these tbh...also yes i am stalling for my smau rn u caught me
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toysrguts · 8 months
Text
MORE jeff hc's!!!!!!
thank u for the love on the last one i love writing these sm ^___^
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•can fit like 11 cigarettes in his wide ass mouth at once
•half asian (his mom is chinese)
•his hair is really thin because it never grew back properly after being burned
•hates being wrong more than anything else on the planet. sometimes he knows hes wrong but will NEVER admit it and fight to the death over it
•bpd representation 💯💯💯
•something in my brain tells me he cant die. kind of like a johnny the homicidal maniac situation. he never gets caught and he never dies (he can still get seriously injured but he will always come back when u least expect it)
•always has to be in control of the aux in every vehicle hes in and is so obnoxious when his favorite songs come on
•also yells "I SAW THIS LIVE" every time a band he saw live comes on
•barks at random unsuspecting people through the open passenger window
•always stealing shit off his victims after killing. he has a whole ring collection because of it, and of course he steals wallets for weed money
•also steals from slenderman but you didnt hear that from me
•"saying jeff is a douchebag is like saying the sky is blue." -toby
•kind of guy that takes out his bottled up emotions on everyone around him and then hates himself for it
•wears the same gross outfit all the time. just grabs one of the 3 pairs of crusty skinny jeans from off his floor and of course the musty ass dirty ass torn apart ass hoodie
•smile dog is truly his best friend. he feels like nobody understands him like smile does. he loves taking him for walks in the woods while smoking a cigarette and having deep conversations with him (not that he actually responds but jeff knows smile can understand what hes saying)
•horror movie enthusiast, from obscure fucked up ones to super cheesy ones. he has a whole shelf dedicated to his horror movie collection
•has an addictive personality, which is partially why he has a drug and alcohol abuse problem and struggles with self harm
•rarely goes out in public because hes known to have violent outbursts. he once committed mass murder at a burger king because people were looking at him weird and EJ had to drag him out of there before the cops showed up
•HATES the light he literally duct taped over his windows so the light couldn’t get in (he forgot blackout curtains exist)
•his room smells like pennies, skunk weed, and foot stank
•is actually an incredible artist but acts like hes not. literally everyone loves his work except for him
•secretly loves cartoons. he loves taking bong rips and watching scooby-doo to escape reality :)
•has never had a healthy relationship with anyone in his life, usually just sticks to hookups
•its a miracle this man is still alive considering he survives off gas station snacks and week old sodas that have been sitting on his nightstand
•speaking of he once drank an old dr pepper after he forgot he put out a cigarette in it
•got a tramp stamp when he was blackout wasted
•writes random thoughts and draws little doodles all over his bedroom walls; it kind of looks like a mental asylum in there
•also his bed is literally just a blood stained mattress on the floor with no sheet and a singular pillow and blanket
•so fucking broke he will do anything for a hundred bucks
•writes the most foul hate comments under every post he disagrees with
•he loves video games, his favorite being postal 2 (hes OBSESSED)
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aita for leaving a voice chat without telling my friends why
(were all adults)
recently me and a few friends started voice chatting every day in the evening, but ive noticed my mood dipping a lot at those times lately. today was another low point. we didnt have anything to do, so one of my friends (L) suggested watching a new show together, but i didnt really feel like watching it yet and the other friend in the vc at the time (K) didnt really reply. So we ended up playing a game together instead, and i got annoyed at something small so i told them id be gone for a moment to listen to loud music (since that usually helps me calm down/distract my brain from whatever got me feeling weird before). When i came back to the vc, I tried telling them why i got in a bad mood but they kinda brushed it off and i didnt feel like they were taking me seriously at all.
we kept playing for a bit but then i asked L to start a new topic so i could distract myself from bad thoughts and they suggested the show again, which i denied bc i really wasnt in the mood to watch it at that time. Then L started talking about how im often the one to suggest watching stuff together and they always say yes, but im never in the mood to watch anything they suggest. i started feeling even worse and asked if we can watch it together another time bc i really wasnt feeling it at the moment (i was also starting to cry but i dont think they noticed). L said that im always saying no or pushing stuff they suggest to another day and how a few years ago when we were both still in puberty i often suggested stuff and was 'always immediately in a bad mood' when they said no.
all of that wasnt helping my brain at that moment at all so i tried a few more times to kind of explain my pov and asked if we can watch it another time but they kept going on about how im 'always like that'. i was kind of spiraling the whole time and at some point i couldnt hold my thoughts back anymore and yelled back at L and told them that 'its really great to hear that weve been friends for years but this one thing i do was and is always annoying to you and you hate that i am like that and you hate everything i do and you hate me anyway' and stormed out of my room while knocking a lot of stuff over.
when i had calmed down a bit and could actually think properly again i was lying in the dark on my kitchen floor and after some minutes i got myself to get up, go back to my pc and turn if off (i had knocked down a monitor and some other stuff during my emotional reaction/escape before).
but when i did, i saw that my other screen showed me as still in the game, so i was probably still in the vc too while i was gone until i came back to turn off my pc, which probably means that after i left they tried to explain themselves and took me not replying as being bitchy or hurt about it until i turned the pc off (and left the vc), but i cant know for sure. Right now, K and L are still in the vc doing other stuff together but i dont feel well enough to message either of them or rejoin or do anything about it yet, my mind is kind of just blank.
but the tiny part of me that has the ability to think right now feels really bad about overreacting again and assuming that they hate me and just leaving without giving them the chance to explain themselves and then just turning off the pc without telling them anything. AITA?
What are these acronyms?
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smolweeblets · 1 year
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Would you be willing to write either headcanons or a oneshot about working out with Yelena. My gay little brain wants scenarios to think of when exercising
Minor Injuries
Yelena AOT x Reader
Going to the gym was nice. The atmosphere was nice, not that many people at the time you usually went and everything was kept clean. The people at your gym were nice too, offering help when you seemed like you needed it, sometimes you even found the occasional sticky not stuck on some of the machines with little motivational quotes.
Yet yourself found one teensy little problem… Which was that you found yourself always being stared at by another member, a tall and lanky blonde that was always by the treadmills.
You could always catch glimpses of her, and her turning away quickly after you catch her. Honestly, you dont know why she was just… looming over you like that. Was she judging you? You really cant tell. It was very creepy.
After your initial impression, you tended to avoid her. She took the hint and left you alone for the most part but you still couldnt shake off the weird feeling when she was around.
You two never interacted, until one day you find yourself in a small accident.
It wasnt anything big really, you just accidentally dropped a weight in your foot. Yelena found you hopping on one leg like a maniac and you wanted nothing more than to melt into the ground.
“Are… you okay?” She hesitantly asks.
“Yep! Im- uh- just a small accident!” You grit through your teeth.
“Do you need help-?”
You suck in a breath before responding. “No, I swear im all good!”
“I insist, at least just sit down for now. Hopping help with the pain at all.”
Having no reason to object, you calm yourself down just enough to take a seat on the nearest bench.
The woman takes your foot and winces when she sees the area.
“Is it that bad?” You sigh.
“Its gonna bruise pretty bad. Wait there a bit, ill get some things to help with the pain.” Before you could object, she was already out the room, leaving you to your own devices.
“Here, this should be able to help. Try to bear with it for the moment yeah?”
[insert procedure on minor blunt force trauma im not knowledgeable enough to write]
“Ah- I do have to admit, I feel somewhat better, thank you” You offer a grateful smile to the woman.
“No problem, whats your name by the way? We seem to always go here at the same time, I notice you struggling sometimes.” You heat up at the mention that shes been looking at you.
“Yeah,” You chuckle awkwardly. “I see you staring at me sometimes, honestly found it a little creepy, but im glad to know youre actually nice. My name is Y/n, nice to meet you” You offer your hand to shake, she takes it but you can see shes also flustered to hear that youve noticed her staring.
“Likewise. I didnt realize that my staring could be seen as creepy, I apologize for that. I can see why youd be weirded out. My name is Yelena.” She shook your hand, and you couldnt help but notice how smooth her hand felt against your own.
~~~~~
That was the start of a peaceful little friendship between the two of you.
She helped you out and gave you tips as much as she could. And in turn you gave her a reason to do something other than run on the treadmills.
You both loved to talk about trivial topics, how your days have been going, something funny you saw, or even what you had for breakfast that morning. She was a nice company to be around, and she was around a lot.
Despite your first impression of her getting off on the wrong foot, you find yourself quite attracted to her, you push the feeling down as best as you can, but thoughts linger in the back of your head during each interaction with her.
~~~~~
“Gah, im tired. Im gonna go now, you have fun.” You sighed as you started to tidy your stuff.
“Nah, leaving soon too. You got anywhere to be later?” Yelena took a sip out of her water bottle and slumped on a nearby bench.
“Thats kinda random, but no, why do you ask?” You paused and and looked at her.
“Wanna get some drinks together? Weve been friends for a while but havent seen each other anywhere other than the gym.” Yelena smiled softly to herself.
“Sure, sounds lovely!” You grinned.
A/n: This is not my best work so I apologize for the quality, i hope you still enjoy 😭❤️
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ocisugovorile · 10 months
Text
S
Today.
Today is the first time I write about you. Up until now I would read, but not yet write. Writing is different. Writing is an imprint, like the one you left behind this morning at 4am.
Today is the most beautiful day and I don't know is it because the morning started off cold and then got warmer throughout the day, just like me with us, or is it the fact that I finally in so long actually looked up at the sky and noticed the clouds just how I noticed your eyes yesterday, or is it the music to my ears winter wonderland playing in the background just like your words last night.
Today I sit sipping on a hot cup of coffee in a cozy little cafe writing about you. If there is something I can thank you for it is for bringing this version of me back. You got me writing again. I love this version of myself, when my brain fills up with so many beautiful thoughts, I find it a waste to not let the words run out of my fingers and onto this keyboard.
Today is different. Today is better.
I despise that I give you that power, to make me feel this way so early into my new independent life.
But how can I despise a feeling you give me, the reason I left my marriage was in order to feel this again.
And I feel you. who would've thought. I say, not in a million years.
I still question whether our paths crossed at the right or the wrong time.
All I know is that our stars aligned when we both found ourselves in similar situations feeling similar emotions and juggling similar struggles.
Going through it all just like me.
Today I can't get you out of my head. I cannot stop replaying the collarbone kisses. my god did you get me there.
Or when I sat on the floor back up against the couch and from behind you comforted me with soft neck kisses whilst slowly killing me with soul bearing news of bad choices you continuously make like a wave of patterns you so badly run from but somehow always end up in.
You drag me into with you, I find it cruel, but then you so gently comfort me after the pain you give. Your dangerous and messed up and unfortunately, that is my type.
And as I am writing this, I just realized the song I will dedicate to you.
There is a quote I read the other day about you. It goes, I never liked brown eyes until I looked into yours, now they are my favorite.
Your eyes say it all. the comfort that comes with them is crippling but invigorating at the same time.
You have me daydreaming today. Snapping myself out of constant dozing.
Euphoric.
Euphoric is the word. I heard connections that are addicting are the best lived stories, the best poetry and the best lessons, but also the most painful, the biggest heartaches and simply soul breaking.
I don't know if I can take it, but I want to with you. I have taken so much through life. so much heartache, so much pain, I need a break, I deserve a break, but I still choose this risk with you because of the good you give.
I hope you don't let me down.
I spoke to T this morning just after you left. Her face is enough to light up the darkest room. She sees my glow too. The one you put on me. I didn't even mention your name, i didnt need to, you were written all over me and she saw it.
She worries but at the same time she understands.
She prays you don't hurt me. She knows who I am, she knows how gentle I can be, and she knows how much I love and much I hurt. She feels it when I go through it just as I feel hers, our souls are tied and bonded for life.
I am grateful to God for her. I had no hesitation to tell her today about you. That says a lot.
She wants me happy she wants me to live this moment for along as I truly deserve which we both know is at least the number of years I spent in desperation and pure agony in my life.
I told her we will fall in love 1000 times and fall out of love 1000 times, lusts and loves are fazes in life.
I believe people can have multiple loves throughout life at different stages, and that is ok.
Throughout life you are not forever one or the same person and if you are then you are not evolving.
Give your heart to your children, give your ambition and focus into work and give your faith to anything that makes you feel safe.
When love gets bad, leave. But now, after everything the scariest part is.... if love is good and remains good. There is nothing more spine-chilling than the thought of love remaining good.
But as unnerving as it is, is it not beautiful? is it not why we left? to give ourselves the chance for something good.
Quote of the day: The universe will never give you peace in something you were never meant to settle in.
If something is not your destiny, you will know, because you feel it.
And that little voice and little feeling you have inside of you, listen to it, that's your best friend.
Right now, both of my best friends tell me to feel everything I have with you.
-MP
Sunday 10th December 2023
13:22pm - 15:22pm
1000 words.
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bimbodoggie · 2 years
Text
-❥- CAT & MOUSE ★ captain john price x black femme reader
sypnosis: this is the 3rd anniversary of you and price, but considering he’s on his way home you do something special.
cw: reader is plus sized, mentioning of pregnancy, overstimulation, price is kinda mean, backshots, breeding kink, mentioning of 141, and anything else that was looked over
a/n: minors, and blank accounts do NOT interact
★★★★★
you were overjoyed when you heard price was coming home from work, it was a nice feeling to know that your boyfriend was finally coming home
the sleepless nights were uncountable, but since you two were going to celebrate your anniversary he took a week off of work to spend it with the love of his life, you.
from the top of the house down to the bottom was decorated in rose petals, candles, and dimly lit lights, you were lucky enough to grab the Victoria Secret newest collection before it sold out
instead of texting john you decided to wait for him to come home, you hid in the house as you heard the door open then closed which was followed by a thud which was john’s duffle bag hitting the floor
you watched him through the cameras you guys put in the house even though john promised to protect you at all times and costs, he face was of concern when he realized that you weren’t downstairs to greet him which he thought was odd
“baby? i made it home early just for you come out and give your man a big kiss”
you swore you felt the house shake because of how husky and deep his voice is, of course you weren’t going to come out right then and there, it was fun to give him that rush
thuds from his heavy steel toe made contact with each stair, the noise filled your ears as you rubbed your thighs together hoping to soothe whatever friction you felt between your legs
his footsteps grew louder, you enjoyed playing the cat mouse game with john, unfortunately it didn’t last long, maybe because he was so experienced because of his time in the military, or he just knew your bimbo brain didnt pick out the best spots but he always knew.
“game over” he opened the shared bathroom which was connected to the bedroom you two shared, he greeted you with a kiss which made your heart flutter
“surprise” your smile was bright, you spun around showing him your everlasting collection of lingerie that was basically funded by john
he gave you flowers, a gift, and a heart shaped box of chocolates, the last thing we wanted was to keep you waiting
john was the first to lean into the kiss, and oh how nice it felt, the way he swallowed your moans and gently placed you on the bed as his large hands explored every inch of your body
the first article of clothing to leave your body was your tank top, price saw how your brown hardened nipples rubbed against your newly brought bra and he just NEEDED it gone as if if was the enemy
“baby let me do everything and anything for you, i wanna pump myself full of my cum so i can get you knocked up, hm baby how does that sound?”
price was now on top of you on the bed, his big beefy arms caged you in to where you couldn’t move if you wanted to…the last was your soaked panties, it was humiliating how needy you were, price could just walk into a room and your cunt is the first to respond
he then took both legs, bent them, then he made his way inside, your brows furrowed at the sudden intrusion…..regardless if you and Price have been fucking like rabbits he still stretches you out every single time
“dont look away now, are you embarrassed baby? i know just be good. look at you taking this fucking cock so well, i’ll reward you just…shit-“
it felt like the heavens opened their gates and jesus himself ascended down from the clouds above, price had zero mercy, but you knew that tho..he killed hundreds possibly thousands with the same bare hands that are currently groping you
“j-john…baby this is too much i know i was waiting for you but please this is too much on my cunt baby if you can find merc-“
you were cut off but a light slap which came from john’s large calloused hand, a string of “im sorry” and “i didnt mean it” came from your mouth. He pulled out and flipped you over to where the globes of your ass was exposed
“my favorite girl, both of you, gonna make sure you’re nice and pregnant, since you wanna be a slut”
running from dick was impossible now he had you pinned to the bed, his hand came into contact with your hair which made you whimper and clench, you swore you heard price’s chuckle rumble through his body
“p-please baby, be gentle i love you s-so much ill do anything”
at this point you were ready to break, your arm was behind your back to seal the deal of you not leaving, the sounds of your poor, abused, and leaking cunt filled the room while price’s hips began to stutter, the pace was so ungodly that you felt that you were gonna break any second
“thats it baby, give it all to me you can do it”
those words of affirmation sent you into a spiral which made you make a mess all over price’s abdomen and his cock, shortly after he finished inside of you
“the night is still young, why dont we finish”
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daybringersol · 1 year
Text
i think the reason that i love william wisp so much is that hes literally me when i was younger, like back when i was depressed, self-hating and refused to try cuz i was scared. i felt hollow, like there wasnt any personality left under that pain. at some point, the idea of getting better felt terrifying to me, cuz i didnt know what id find under all the pain and trauma, if there was even anything left under there.
// JRWI prime defenders S2 EP39 spoilers, tw for psychosis, derealisation and dissociation mentions
with this new era of william wisp, i wouldnt be surprised if I ended up relating to him even more. I think theres a lot of directions he could go towards, personality-wise, and even if he ends up not going the same route as me, i know that the idea itself of having to find yourself after so long spent hiding is gonna resonate with me no matter what.
another thing i find interesting is that i also got that moment when i realised that everything i wanted was at my fingertips, which was the catalyst for me eventually getting better. it was during my psychosis, this friend of mine (who i held in very high regards) ended up telling me off, i dont remember for what exactly (psychosis does funny things to your brain) but it was something related to me not trying to get better. they said something that triggered my derealisation, which of course, sent me into a derealisation/dissociation spiral for some months, and basically straight to rock bottom. of course, i wouldnt recommend that you do that for your friends who are going through similar stuff, im pretty sure i could have died multiple times back then, but in the end, its what pulled me through to where im at now.
i dont remember everything, but basically, the thought process was : nothing is real, its all made up in my head, so theres nothing stopping me from imagining a world where im happy and living in it. i wrote a poem about it, not my best work for obvious reasons, but theres still something to it i think. here :
I want to see tomorrow
I’ve been wishing my whole life for the strength to say "I'm doing great!" when someone ask me how I am
I've always had that strength
I can just say it
It's just 4 words
I
am
Doing
Great
Easy, see?
It doesn't matter if it's false
Or if the tone of my voice was off
Or if the way my eyes naturally met the ground as soon as you entered the room
It doesn't matter
So what, if I'm lying?
In a fraction of second, I might not be lying anymore
No
In a fraction of second, I won't be lying
I've been making planets and universes in my head since I could think
I never thought of making one where I was happy
Why should it matter if it's only in my head
My head is real, it's right there
And in the end, all the other stuff too was in my head
I can trust you
I can have friends
I can be myself
I can have my body back
I can be beautiful
Inside and out
I choose what is true and what is not
It doesn't matter if I'm lying to you
It doesn't matter if I'm lying to myself
In the end, we could be both only in my head
It wouldn't matter
So yeah
I want to see tomorrow
Even if it's raining and even if I don't even notice it's raining
I'll just close my eyes, and I'll have everything I've always wanted
so yea ! even if of course the superpower thing and coming back to life thing isnt very realistic, as a metaphor, williams story makes complete sense. i felt dead, back then. and i truly feel like a different person now.
and im looking forward to see where the story takes him in the future !
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clownrecess · 1 year
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As an autistic individual myself, I am interested in the intersection of neurodiversity and various identities.
You've mentioned that you identify as a Norse Pagan. I'm curious about how your spiritual beliefs intersect with your neurodivergent experience. Do you find that your autistic identity informs or impacts your spiritual practice in any way?
(Tw for discussions of trauma, religion, etc.)
Sorry for the late-ish response! I've been working on this post a little everyday to make sure I write it how I want it.
I dont think that my autism has impacted my religion or spirtual experiences/beliefs, but my brain as a whole does. (Update: It actually did influence it quite a bit. I'm realizing this after writing this post. So, uh, thank you for helping me realize something that I find quite interesting!)
When I was a kid, I was raised in christianity. I was very religious. I prayed everyday, I had a cross in my room, etc.
But heres the thing: I have OCD. A few different types, but out of those, one of them is religious OCD.
Most of my praying ages late 8-12 was done purely out of fear. At that point I wasnt even really a Christian, I was just really afraid, which really impacted how I viewed religion. I HATED conversation about it because it felt scary and icky to me.
I didn't understand why people would ever want to talk about it. It felt like a very private topic for me, so I figured people who go out of their way to talk about it must be trying to get extra "good points" with god (maybe that bit was caused by autism, actually.).
During that time, I would go through little phases of a month or so at a time in which I would try to "swing the opposite direction". This was around age 10-11. I was developing an intense anger toward the church, and I just wanted to be the opposite of they were, whatever that meant. Because I didn't want to think about religion (due to anxiety around it), I really didn't know what many religious labels actually meant because researching them made me very uncomfortable, so I briefly identified as a satanist (this would be on and off during ages 10-11.) despite really not knowing what that meant. I think I just wanted a way to separate myself from the church as much as possible.
A few months after I turned 12, I felt a really strong urge to research paganism out of nowhere (I didnt even know what "pagan" meant, I just suddenly felt the need to know things about it. It was very random.). It started sort of as a special interest (Maybe autism did influence me more than I thought! Interesting.), and so I would look into a lot of different branches of paganism, focusing most of my research around hellenistic paganism.
A few weeks after this, I had a very interesting experience which I now believe to have been a sign from Freyja (I dont want to go into specifics. It was personal and I want to keep that special to me. I might later, but for now it's just mine. Just know it was a very beautiful thing from her.). DIRECTLY following this event (Maybe an hour or two later), I felt another urge to research things, but this time to be looking into the Norse Gods/Goddesses (which I'd never even heard of at that point.).
At that point I ended up converting to paganism. It was an extremely sudden decision, but it made sense to me.
No matter what religion I had been apart of before, I always felt anxiety and guilt, causing me to try and fix things by becoming excessively religious again in a Christian way. But from the moment I became pagan, I just never had that ever again. It's been the only religion I've ever felt fully safe in.
It's obviously been quite a while since then, and I'm obviously still a Norse Pagan.
Whilst I now love all the gods and goddesses, Freyja will always be especially special to me.
At this point I have worked with: Freyja, Loki, Odin, Beyla, and Njord.
Now, I also think its important to mention another part of my brain that impacts my religious experience: I am in a system.
Nearly all of us identify as Norse Pagans, but we have a few Agnostics as well, a few Eclectic Pagans, an Atheistic Satanist, and a Theistic Satanist.
The primary religious identity within our system is Norse Paganism, with the majority of individuals identifying as followers of this belief system. Due to this, we say we are a Norse Pagan! We are also okay with just being called "Pagan" on it's own, though.
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ponyartistbrainiac · 4 months
Text
I had another absolutely whack ass dream
So I was really cold so I put my hoodie back on and rolled the covers around me and I guess at some point I dosed off
I was in some sort of after school something at a college with many many doors and it was raining hard
We where talking and ignoring the activities we where supposed to he doing (me and some heavy set girl I forget the name of) we where clearly pretty decent friends
I looked down into this massive lobby and there was water from the rain pouring in fast so I called my mom to come get me
When she got there the water was already deep enough in some parts for us to float in
I was invited to a birthday party and I guess that was my main goal after I got out of the lobby but I had to make it to the counter to check out which had two people behind it looking bored and unperturbed by the water
Not being able to swim I tried floating over to the counter on various things from cushions to doors but mom insisted a float so I tried that and I was able to get there but I was nervous the electronics in my bag where gonna get damaged
Miraculously they didnt and we where able to escape.
Then I woke up and dozed back off again deciding my actual real life was a dream while I sat at a desk in a math class
I struggled to follow what they where saying but nothing made sense to me
In frustration I asked if I could use the bathroom and the teacher said "oh sure!" And I left my bag in my chair because I knew the way like the back of my hand
When I started walking down the hallway I passed many different rooms just filled with teenagers usually goofing off like I passed an arcade and some sort of store and a computer lab where a bunch of people where surrounding one monitor
As i walked to the end i noticed the lobby was the same as before and once again it was filling up with water and i was unhappy because i was gonna get wet
Along the way i picked up a rather large toad that peed on me and this annoyed me greatly
So I put him on the stairs and went my marry little way
When I got to the water I was wading through it with ease and thought "ah this is easy" before I noticed a construction worker fighting a tool box in the water and watched him struggle to not drown and I was immediately terrified because it was much deeper then I thought
After attempting to wade through it and having the water come up to my head I tried floating across like before but ultimately I got spooked and decided I didnt need to pee that badly
But in my shock I realized I didnt bring my phone and my brain had suddenly forgot the way back to class
Now soaking wet and annoyed with myself I tried to go through many doorways and always ended up in whacker and whacker places usually classes that where slightly off or more rooms that seemed way more fun then what I was going back too
I tried to take the stairs but it was replaced with some sort of tube that needed two people to work and I wasn't about all that
I opened the door to the emergency staircase and I saw a bunch of kids smoking and standing around and a girl asked if I was ok
I explained what happened and how I lost my way back to class and didnt have my phone and she touched a gentle finger to my lips and said "it's ok we can ask Jeremy hes amazing with math he probably knows where it is" so I followed her through stairs and rooms and hallways until we ended up in a computer lap this time there was one student to each computer when we got to "jeremy" I noticed he was a tiny man with a cat tail and rabbit ears and I was scared of offending him but he was really cute. The other girl explained when he was going on and told me to hold out my hand and explain what room I was looking for
When I brought him up to my eyes I leaned in close and opened my mouth to explain then my eyes snapped open and I realized I was dreaming
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thegreatclowncat · 4 months
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ewwww i didnt realize it, but recently i had to unpack a lot of what i would call environmentally-transferred doomsday theology/apocalypticism. I remember being pulled aside as a kid, shown revelation, and being told that this will happen soon, so don't do kid things and focus on spending all of my time fixing my relationship with God. I cried bc i didnt like it, and ignored what they said.
Cut to the last five years. I kept having weird dreams about the societal collapse (which isnt the apocalypse, it's happened before) that had details which actually predicted decent chunks of my life over the next few years, which caused me to fear them, and every time i would walk outside of my room i would hear some video from some "youtube prophet" playing saying "get ready for the next few years" "this sign shows that something bad is going to happen" and i would always ask "HAS THIS PERSON EVER BEEN RIGHT IN thE LAST TEN YEARS???? WHY ArE YOU WATCHING THAT"
i logically did not believe any of this stuff without specific and reasonable justification (couldnt find any of that lol), but the sheer exposure of it over my lifetime wormed its way into my brain. i found myself having thoughts like, "I lost the last three years of my life, what if I am never able to dance?" and "If i only have a decade left to live, im not going to spend it doing freaking computer science" [<- the only good thing to come out of this btw, stopped me from digging myself into more graves (classes) instead of finding a career I want to pursue that will be worthwhile]
but my gosh, i can't believe i actually started believing that. it wasnt conscious. i was always prone to anxiety and hopelessness, and maybe THAT was just using this exposure to fuel its flame. but I had to get rid of it. for the first time in a few years, I felt like I didnt have to rush. yes, i need to get on with my life and get back to dancing, i do not have infinite time, but i dont need to freak out that I am losing every single day being inside doing nothing. I can enjoy my life. I felt the desire to look for a career path, something to invest a few years of preparation into without feeling like it was taking away precious time.
side note, i did also always put weird time limits on things. all the pro dancers are around my age, and i always felt so behind bc i started late and was sick for a while, and i imagined i could probably only dance until im 40, but really if i keep extra good care of my body, i can probably keep going for longer. would i want to by then? who knows, my interests may have changed.
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