#which is saying a lot because I am incredibly lucky to have so many beloved experiences in this fandom 💜

[eskawrites]

Just read for probably the millionth time the Raise Dead Au and I once again felt the need to tell you how gorgeous that story is and how much I love it. I have reread your stories often bc I love them so much and as much as I adore the celebrity au there is something so painfully beautiful and fulfilling in Raise Dead so that is to me my number 1 always.

You talked about writing more for it maybe in the future and I really hope you will because I would be the happiest person ever.

Exploring the consequences of coming back to life and what happens after that is so interesting to me.

Either way I am gonna enjoy whatever you write tho bc you truly are a gifted writer and nobody manages to capture ronance better than you do in my opinion.

This is the loveliest message to wake up to, thank you friend <3 Also wild because I was just thinking about raise dead the other day and how much that story means to me. I’ve said it before but writing that fic and getting to see so many people respond to it in such a loving way was something that helped me in ways I couldn’t even fully understand or articulate at the time. It’s truly one of the most satisfying experiences I’ve ever had with fandom and with writing in general, and I am still honored and amazed and emotional every time I think about it <3

I do want to write more for it! But I also want to make sure that anything I write for it upholds the meaning and feeling of the original fic, y’know? There are a lot of plot things and conflicts and changes and stuff that would be fascinating to explore in that universe, many of which I do want to explore! But at the end of the day the raise dead au is a story about grief and love and devotion, and if any other one-shots or additions I write aren’t also about that, then what’s the point?

It’s all very interesting and slightly intimidating to think about, especially with how meaningful that story is to me and, incredibly, to some readers. So for now it sits on the back burner lol but I do want to return to it someday!

[genderqueerpositivity]

I tried to write a post to celebrate being four years on testosterone yesterday. That post turned into a rambling mess of my fears for the future and fears about losing my access to gender affirming care. Which honestly makes a lot of sense given the state of things politically.

The anxiety is also due to the fact that my hysterectomy is in limbo now; my procedure should have been May 1st, but now my doctor is leaving the practice at the end of April. So now I don't know what's going to happen there, which is a little devastating after going through the whole referral and waiting and intake processes. I'm supposed to be referred to another doctor in the same practice, but it's been a month of radio silence now. Hell, I don't even know who to contact; last time I had to it ended up being a multi-day game of phone tag.

I don't know what to say other than I'm grateful and surprised to have made it so far in my hormone therapy journey. I'm incredibly lucky to have the support of beloved chosen family the entire way. And I'm so privileged to have ever accessed gender affirming care to begin with and I can't ever say enough for how much it has improved my mental health and my relationship with my own body.

I used to wonder everyday pre-T if hormone therapy was the right step for me. I thought about it all the time, constantly wondered what sort of changes I could have, and if it would help my dysphoria; I don't have to wonder anymore because I know that this is right for me.

At first I wanted to do topical HRT because I wanted that control of getting to choose this everyday; I imagined that I would reach a point where I might decide that I've transitioned "enough" and choose to stop. These days, I am happy with weekly injections. Getting to just do my shot once a week and then just live without worrying about it is amazing.

I am open to the possibility that I may still reach a point where I decide to reduce my T dose or stop entirely, but at the moment it feels very unlikely. Gender is personal and unique like that. I really hope to be able to continue and see what happens next.

It is difficult to express how transitioning to a more physically male appearance has given me greater freedom to express my gender in less binary ways, but it is true. I experience my gender as more queer and more fluid than ever.

I can't fully explain or express the pain of gender dysphoria and the joy of gender euphoria. How could I possibly get most average people without dysphoria to understand that I used to legitimately hate the sound of my own voice? That I couldn't stand having my voice recorded, because I sometimes even struggled to accept that the person I was speaking speak was actually me?

Now? I just sound like myself. I am more confident making phone calls and calling over the radios at work, I sing aloud in the car now, and occasionally I will speak to someone and get the surprise joy of being addressed as he or sir in return.

And that is just one example of many I could give.

Transitioning is as much a gift of big milestones as it is a gift of so many small and everyday moments.

On Saturday I will do my first shot since my 4 year T birthday, and I will be grateful and have no regrets.

[silenzahra]

Oh my, where do I even start with you?😆 Excuse-moi, I've got lotsa copy-pasting to do:

💀 your scenes of violence grab me by the throat

💔 your angst scenes ruins me every time

🍓 your fluff scenes always make me feel pleasantly blissful

🎀 you describe tender, soft intimacy wonderfully

🧠 love how your brain works and how you solve plots

🩰 have been waiting for a writer like you all my life (in more ways than one lol❤️💚)

🧸 often go back to your old stories to re-read them

🍀 you can describe emotions and feelings perfectly

💎 you perfectly portray the mind and thoughts of your characters

😱 your fics have amazing, unexpected plot twists (I mean... Anything for him? Without him? ahh👌)

🔮 when I think that nothing will surprise me anymore, you do it

💣 you can build tension in your stories incredibly well

🧛‍♀️ crave your new stories like a vampire craves blood

In reference to this ask game ✨

Awwwww my beloved twin 🤭💖 You practically copied the entire list!! Oh gosh, I'm so so so SO moved that my writing means so much to you 🥹🥹🥹

I'm so glad and touched that you enjoy basically all of my content!! Angsty, fluffy, violent... Even the intimate ones, which I know aren't your favorites, so it truly means so much to me that you appreciate them 🫂🫂🫂

Lol I'm so honored by the brain emoji, hehe 🤭 It's so special, Mugi, because at times I do struggle to solve some plots in my stories 😅 So really, my twin, thank you so so much for that 🫂❤️💚

And... for the next one, I swear I'm completely melted 🥹🥹🥹 Aajndahbgsodnkskslsñak Mugi, I don't even know what to say right now 😭😭😭 I know very well what you mean, and I just couldn't be more grateful and lucky for the strong bond that we've formed. And it's just so special that it started with you supporting my writing 🥹🥹🥹 You are so special to me, my beloved twin 🫂❤️💚

I still can't get over the fact that you and many others reread my stories occasionally 🥹🥹 That's seriously so significant and important to me 😭😭🫂🫂 And I'm so so glad and honored that you like the way I describe the characters' emotions and thoughts!! That's sincerely one of my MOST favorite parts of writing, so I'm truly elated that you enjoy it so much, my twin 🥹❤️💚

Hehehe I have to admit that I'm quite proud of myself that the plot twists in my stories could surprise you so much 😁😁 Especially the ones in Anything for him, as it was thanks to this story that we met, and Without him, since I wrote it for you 🥰🥰 (A month ago already lol, isn't that crazy???). Thanks, my twin, I'm so happy that you enjoyed them!! And that my writing continues to surprise you 🥹🥹 Hopefully it'll be the same with the next stories that I'm planning!! 🤞🏻🥰

Also, the tension!!! Oh my God, I LOVE building up the tension in my stories 😁😁 Actually, many times I am on the edge of my seat when writing it lol, even though I know very well what's happening and what's coming next 😂😂 But I just have so much fun with it, and I'm over the moon that you enjoy reading it, my twin!! Thank you so so SO much, this truly means a lot 🥹🥰🫂

As for the vampire emoji... I'm both incredibly honored and also very excited hehehe, as I have some plans that I hope I can fulfill soon, and I sincerely can't wait to see your reaction 😁😁 Hopefully your cravings will be satiated soon, my beloved twin!! 🤭🥰

Thank you SO MUCH for sending this ask, my dear Mugi 🥰🥰 It truly means THE WORLD to me to know that you enjoy my writing so much!! I'm extremely honored, and so so grateful and blessed too 🥹🥹 I love you sooooooooooooooooooooooo much 🫂❤️💚

[ghostboyravenight]

My friend Othman has spent today, like he spends every day, sharing his campaign around to as many people as possible. He spent five hours doing this, and now he’s exhausted. This is the norm for him. He has to spend hours each day just sharing his campaign in the hopes of raising some money, and he’s lucky to get a few donations at a time— if that. Imagine how tiring that is. Imagine how dehumanising that would feel. Spending hours and hours just messaging people in the hopes you’ll reach someone who can donate.

Palestinians are forced to do this, and every single Palestinian you see in your DMs or inbox are going through this same, tedious process. One message to you is thousands of messages they’ve been sending over and over again because they need money to survive. It actually sickens me watching average tumblr users brush away these campaigns as spam, saying “oh they’re all copy and paste messages” and “anyone coming into your inbox is just a scammer” but can you sit down and think for one fucking second please?

If you were in that position, literally what the fuck else would you do? What are you expecting? Are you expecting them to fall down at your feet, become friends with you and interact with your blog until you get to know them, write you a personalised message just for you and prioritise being one of your beloved mutuals before you decide to give a shit about them? Or are they doing what they need to do to survive, which is typing up a single message (even if their first language isn’t English) and sending it wherever they can possibly reach?

Because that’s what Othman’s doing. Palestinians do not have the fucking time to curate how they message you. They don’t have time to decide which form of communication works best for you. They’re in a fucking genocide. I feel like I’m losing my mind watching some of y’all look at obvious fundraising efforts by people who are trying to escape death and saying “well this is obviously spam because they started their message with a sob story” shut the fuck up actually.

You can vet these campaigns. If Palestinians are spending five hours a day messaging people, you can spend five minutes checking. There are vetters on here doing the job for you, and if they haven’t vetted a campaign, then you can use reverse image search to check that the original fundraiser belongs to the person who created it.

I hate to break it to ya but 9 times out of 10 these fundraisers are real. You can’t just blanket statement say “they’re all taking advantage of real fundraisers!” to absolve you of all responsibility. Where are these real fundraisers then, if you’ve decided they’re all spam? Pick a fucking lane.

You have got to start sorting yourselves out, because my friend’s been campaigning for 9 months and he still hasn’t reached €1,000. He’s extremely lucky that he reached out to someone on Instagram who was able to donate a lot of money and share his campaign around on her Instagram page (check out @/louise_emma_buttler on Instagram for vetted Palestinian fundraisers you can donate to), otherwise he’d still barely be at €500.

Food in Gaza is incredibly expensive. Flour costs €400. There’s a reason Palestinian goals are so high, because I’ve seen some people comment about that, but the reality is, a lot of those goals aren’t even enough to survive for more than a few months in Gaza, and the majority are going towards escaping.

Othman just set up a PayPal account with his sister, because he desperately needs direct donations that he can use to afford daily necessities without taking away from his evacuation fund. I am urging you to share and donate to both if you’re able to.

I’m trying to take over at least some of the load from him so that he can rest (not that he has any opportunity to rest when bombs are falling all around him and he has absolutely nothing to eat or drink) but my posts about his campaign rarely get more than about 20 notes. It has not escaped my notice that any posts tagged with “palestine” or “free palestine” get very little traction, and I suspect tumblr itself has something to do with that. If you see this, please reblog so that it might reach enough people who can donate. Reblogging is the only way these posts gain traction. There’s very few places that Othman is able to campaign on since every site is cracking down on Palestinian fundraisers, including GoFundMe itself.

This is a form of genocide denialism. It’s also a form of genocide itself, by preventing Palestinians from being able to afford basic necessities for survival or to escape from an active war zone. I’m begging you not to perpetuate this even further because you can’t tell the difference between spam bots asking about their sick pets and real life fucking people trying to escape a genocide.

[megamagimugi]

My very, VERY dear Mugi. Where do I even begin to express how much your art, and you, mean to me? From the beautiful, BEAUTIFUL pieces you made for my first fic "Anything for him," which was a complete surprise and had me smiling the widest smile ever, to this same week with the absolutely STUNNING piece you made for the first anniversary of my Dream Team fic "Keeping you warm," which has now become my phone wallpaper... both our friendship and you as an artist have grown so much and I just couldn't be happier and prouder 💖💖💖

I've told you many times and I'll keep saying it: your art is a true wonder, my friend. A gift for the eyes, a complete delight to watch. I don't exaggerate whatsoever when I say I want to print and frame it because it's THAT awesome. And I can only be incredibly honored and grateful that you've graced me with it so many times and brought to life many of my ideas in your wonderful style, including my beloved girl Violet. I'm so blessed 🫂🫂🫂

And of course, I'm MORE than blessed to have you as one of my best, closest friends. I freaking LOVE chatting with you! Just hearing from you always brightens my day, and just so you know, you're helping me a lot to boost my confidence 🥰 And I also love it when we're a little bit silly together 🤭💖

It's a complete honor to have met you, dear Mugi, and that I can be so lucky to see the awesome masterpieces you create and give them, and you, the love and praise that you deserve 💖

Oh hi female Luigi Zahra!😁

Okay, I'll be honest. I didn't expect to get one of these from you since, y'know, we tell each other nice things just about all the time😂 Very much appreciated nonetheless, as all the other times have been🫂

Even if I'm just repeating myself at this point, I still want to make this clear. You mean to me more than you can possibly imagine. It's a connection so deep and strong I have only felt a similar one maybe once before in my life, with a former best friend. I can't believe I now have someone else I can classify as such, after all these years.

When I say you're the real Luigi to my Mario and I can only wish I had had you in my life earlier, I 100% mean it. In fact, I've never told you this because it's a little embarrassing but sometimes when I read fics about the Mario Bros. where they're being particularly sweet to each other, at times I can't help but be reminded of you and me😆 You always make my day better and it's thanks to you I'm not so lonely anymore🥰 You have helped me in so many ways.

Which is why I couldn't be happier and prouder myself to hear that I've been successful in helping you boost your confidence. That's great! Everyone deserves to be self-confident, but you deserve it the most <-totally not biased😛

Oh yes! I, too, love goofing around with you a bit, and to me making you laugh is one of life's greatest pleasures😁

And of course, thank you for your unwavering support of my art. I'm so glad you've loved every piece I've drawn for you, that you've been enjoying my ongoing comic and basically every piece I've posted so far. Your reblogs are always such a delight to read. I can't possibly thank you enough.

You know what? I actually do feel a lot better about my art now, after reading so many people's kinds words. Why am I not surprised that it was you whose words finally broke the metaphorical camel's back? Overall it was definitely a team effort though!

Thanks for everything, my dear friend!❤️

Have a good old M&L hug:

[you-are-constance]

how was the great gatsby musical?

overall, one of my favorite theatre experiences. to the level that i have been looping the cast recording nonstop since it came out last week

i do have a lot of specific points that i could talk So Long about with this show, most of which i'll put under a read more, but first: casting

anyway. spoilers for the great gatsby musical (things that were changed from the book for the production)

the 'main four' being Jeremy Jordan, Noah J Ricketts, Eva Noblezada, and Samantha Pauly, were all absolutely incredible. show stopping in their own ways. i was genuinely so scared that when i saw it that any of these 4 wouldn't be on, but i got so lucky and all of them were!! i am 100% convinced that many of the songs were written just to showcase certain actors voices (jeremy jordan).

let me tell you. getting to see jeremy jordan and eva noblezada live was unlike anything i've ever seen before. i was like. genuinely honored to be there. their stage presence, their voices, their acting ability, oh man... and Samantha Pauly was just incredible, and her big number was so. show stopping. Noah J. Ricketts was amazing the whole time, but his emotion in finale as he was saying the lines that are basically quoted exactly from the book... yeah i cried.

but so many other actors were also so amazing! John Zdrojeski as Tom was so good at the role, because Tom really was genuinely awful, but not in like an evil villain way, because he's much more realistic than that. i also find that a lot of times Tom is kinda seen as stupid or whatever for not noticing a lot of things going around him but in the musical he really like. could tell what was going on. and he worked his way into finding out secrets (kinda more on this later bc of my favorite song)

another main this was just. the design. Linda Cho costumes MY BELOVED im so glad she won the tony because this show DESERVED IT. it was definitely a glorified image of what those 1920s outfits would actually be, but most musical theatre isn't meant to be an exact replica of history, it's meant to dramatize it, and Linda Cho understands the assignment when it comes to costumes. the lighting and scenic design were also just incredible, especially their use of the green light shining from across the bay...

the show started out with Gatsby onstage, reaching for the green light. a set piece is moved across the stage, passing in front of him, Nick standing where Gatsby was. within that moment i was like "if they don't end the show with Nick standing there, the set piece passing in front, and leaving Gatsby behind, reaching for the green light, then what is the POINT" and then they DID and it was just as great as i'd imagined.

there were definitely changes to the story to adapt it to the stage, which i actually enjoyed (i've read the book, but didn't love it mostly due to a bad experience with reading it in school so. yeah). it is kinda more romance-centric in the first act, which i have heard people complain about, but i kinda see reasoning for it. yes, the first act is very much centered around the various relationships (especially the romantic ones), and in the second act, while certain characters (mostly gatsby) try to keep it centered on the romance, there is a much bigger, darker story going on all around them. so i really liked that meta perspective of it.

they also gave a lot more character to mr wilson (idr his first name), effectively intertwining him with both Gatsby and Wolfsheim as he, from the very beginning, plans to move him and Myrtle away from the city (its been a hot sec since i read the book, so idr if that's there but i don't think it is).

the relationship between Nick and Jordan is also taken a lot further in the musical, to the point where they are engaged, but after Myrtle's death, it gets broken off. this is because, in this version, Jordan ends up lumped in with both Tom and Daisy, in with the old money. throughout most of the show she is much more aware of society and doesn't want any part of what her role 'should' be, but when things go south, she is just as quick as the others to abandon what's 'right' in favor of what's better for her. and ik some people might not like that change but i actually did.

Myrtles character is also taken a lot further in this, which i find really fascinating. she is given her own big number right before her death as she tried to go after Tom, saying that he'll leave Daisy and marry her instead, but then she realizes she'll become just like Daisy in that situation, and the only choice is 'love or money.' she eventually decides that she wants to go back to her husband, and the moment she turns back, she is killed. this was Such a big number and, looking back, might be one of my favorites story-wise.

while i absolutely adored most everything, genuinely, the music was by far my favorite part (besides maybe jeremy jordan and eva noblezada...) a personal thing for me was that Every. Single. Song. has SUCH a good bassline. man i need the sheet music for this show. (side note: i got to talk to the show's bass player for a few minutes after the show! i was super nervous about it but im glad i did. he was super nice)

there's def a mix of more modern showtune styles, along with bringing in a lot of jazzy elements, which was GREAT. i love jazz. like i mentioned before, certain songs were definitely written for actor's voices (Past is Catching Up to Me) which is absolutely not a bad thing because they were AMAZING

two of my favorite songs were 'Only Tea' and 'Made to Last.'

only tea is when Gatsby is stressing about Daisy coming over for tea. this was hilarious. I kid you not jeremy jordan jumped a fence at the end. it was iconic. (you can Feel the nerves in just the cast recording alone).

made to last takes place in the scene in the Plaza. it's mostly Tom, revealing the secrets he learned about how Gatsby got his fortune, then Gatsby trying to get Daisy to tell Tom she doesn't love him. there are So Many Good lines in this song (everyone kinda drags Tom a lot its great) but this is where the characterization of Tom was really just. top notch. because he really is freaking Awful. but he's also smart and not going to let go of what he owns (not good that he considers Daisy a possession though...), and he knows exactly what is going to happen to Gatsby--he's not Made to Last.

(also the song Shady is iconic. spinny tailcoats)

another just. singular line that i need to draw attention to, sung by mr wilson (he has multiple songs directed to the Eyes of God), and this line is right when he decides to go after Gatsby. "God sees everything but he's slow on his commands/You've got the eyes of God, Doc/Who's gonna be his hands?"

(this line is reprised in the middle of Gatsby's song right before the gun goes off. fun fact)

i'm sure there are So Many Other Things i could talk about (i s2g i could write 13 essays about this show) but in general like. while it wasn't groundbreaking to the theatre, it was still Such a good show and absolutely deserves better yknow. attention then it's getting. like jeremy jordan is here for a Reason this is a Good show. and mostly this is my begging people to listen to the cast recoding because its SO GOOD.

anyway. if anyone has questions about specific things i am So Happy to talk but here's a lot of my more general thoughts... (god i haven't even Talked about Eric Anderson as Wolfsheim...)

[tizzypizza]

Top 7 idol list?

I was saving this so I could draw it at some point but oh my god I am SWAMPED and can't see myself with time to do it so top list umm.

1- Shiver. I think this is self-explanatory. I love Asian women so much (I'm Asian before anyone starts raising any eyebrows) and her personality is so funny. She's incredibly theatrical and dramatic and has this big persona that she puts on that falls apart SO quickly when it comes to her friends but otherwise she is fierce!! A force to be reckoned with!! But also a sopping wet little guy.

2- Marina. I love women in STEM I LOVE women in STEM so much. My two immediate draws are like... Traditional-looking Asian woman and Smart Woman so. Marina is such a fascinating character and it's always a shame to see her so heavily uwu-ified, she's super smart and she has a lot going on besides just her attachment to Pearl!! But TBH her attachment to Pearl is part of what endeared her to me. Girl who has experienced The Horrors and is kind of a living supercomputer becomes sappy mush when Girlfriend Flashbang. She was also the one who lowkey got me into Splatoon simply by being the prettiest Nintendo character I'd ever seen as a kid.

3- Pearl. I hesitate to put Pearl above Frye because really they're super tight in my head but the only thing that knocks her up a peg is that her dialogue is a lot more fun for me to write in English (Frye talks really interestingly too! She genuinely speaks like an old man in the Japanese but that's just not reflected in the English). I love her so much because at so many moments where she could choose to be snarky or witty with Marina or anyone else, she always chooses kindness and she's always so supportive in her own spunky little way. She's so genuine and fun and silly and self assured and confident and she's so COOL. I hate drawing her hair though. I actually used to kinda hate Pearl as a kid because I fell for the forehead propaganda but I know better now.

4- Frye. LIKE I SAID in my head Frye and Pearl are tied. I love Frye she's such a sweetheart and she has such a fun fierceness about her. She cares deeply for her friends and she keeps her cool the best out of all of her friends in Deep Cut and she DANCES!! Her character design is one of the most interesting designs I've had the pleasure of drawing a shit ton of times and despite being team Shiver nearly every time I get really sad whenever she doesn't win Splatfests :( She deserves it (and tbh I think she deserved to be the leader of Deep Cut but don't @ me on that)

5- Marie. I wish I had more opinions on Marie but given that my earliest hands-on exposure to Splatoon was Sp2 when my friend used to let me walk around as her Octoling and play a little bit of Salmon Run (lost outpost my beloved wherefore art thou) and I've never played Sp1 or 2's campaign I can't really say anything about her other than I think she's really pretty. I think she's often characterized as the more flippant and low-energy one which is a cool thing to see in an idol (who are typically meant to be all smiles) but she's also really silly! She cracks a lot of jokes in the Sp3 campaign!! She's also just really cool and really pretty and white is one of my favorite colors

6- Big Man. LISTEN!!!! I LOVE HIM I REALLY DO BUT Frye-Pearl are soooo close together in my head and I feel only a little less strongly about him than Pearl but I really really love him. He's a blast to draw and honestly he's a lot more fun in the Japanese since Frye and Shiver have extremely thick accents and he's the only one who talks like Just Some Guy. He helps reign them in but he can rarely control them. He's such a lovable little dude.

7- Callie. Love the girl but I've never once resonated with her. I don't do well in the way of happy-go-lucky fun types but I don't hate her! I think she's got a lot of room to be interesting. My friend characterizes her with some flaws relating to like. Octarian prejudice which I think is pretty dope. And I'm not a huge pink fan... But I WILL say she is one of the most fun to draw.

[thousand-winters]

Pal, I hope the cats are doing well!! I have fanfic questions for you! 5, 7, 20, 27, 36, 48, ok I gotta stop there's too many good questions haha

Hi, friend!!! They're very good, they have been cuddling on my bed these past week because it has been so incredibly cold, so they're living their best lives haha. I hope you and your cats have been doing as well as you possibly can, given the circumstances 💖

It does have some amazing questions, it's hard to decide what to pick when it comes to asking. But let's get into that haha.

5. How many wips do you have?  What fandoms/pairings are they for?

... Oh, boy. Let me count them, haha. There's...

4 I have pending for Dadrius week (crying, by the time I'm done with that, it's going to be the next Dadrius week, surely). Do I count the two multichapters I have going on? I'm not going to, just to give myself some grace ahaha.

For MP100 I have one silly little idea for Reigen's birthday, one Dimple centric fic that I'm struggling for my life with because his interactions with Reigen keep coming out flirty, one silly Terumob inspired in a Mean Girls song, and the "Reigen pulls an Eda" fic. I technically have more but shhhh, only picking the ones I have faith in. So that's another 4.

And then finally for Saiki K I have vampire Kaido that I need to finish for Halloween but we'll see what the gods say about it, the Aren intervention™️ that I might turn shippy out of spite, and then Hairo getting burnt out. So 3, surprisingly not that much yet. I'm refraining from any Teruhashi ideas because I know I'm not gonna shut up with her.

That gives me a total of 11 things without counting multichapters I have to update. Not too bad. I think. Help me LMAO.

7. Post a snippet from a wip.

Reigen pauses all of his movements and looks up from his game, one eyebrow raised. “Unless… you really like my company, I guess.” Dimple huffs. As if.  “In your dreams.” “More like my nightmares.” “You would be lucky to have me in your nightmares.”

Why does it sound flirty. Am I going crazy. Help.

20. Do you prefer writing AUs or canon fics?

Canon fics, I think. I like exploring the possibilities and it's honestly less of a headache to have certain things about the characters already established rather than to have to think about how a new background has shaped their life haha.

I really, really enjoy AUs, but in terms of what's easier, canon is always good to play with, especially when it's a fandom in which there's a lot to explore and usually that's the case.

27. What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

Mmmm... the sequence of events, if that makes sense? Like I'm generally good at picturing how one thing gets from one point to the other, which might not say much about the way in which I actually write it when it comes down to it, but I do think it's important to have a grasp on how you get from point A to point B, and I think I'm good at that. If it ever feels rushed, that's a problem of my descriptions and redaction, not the plan in my head, I believe haha.

36. What fic are you proudest of?

The stars too, they tell of spring returning continues being my baby. I've been re-reading it in the hopes I can get back to it soon and oof. I went off with that one, it has a good amount of tension and it doesn't stall too long in unnecessary bits in my opinion? I don't know, I just like it. I did start writing the next chapter, it's just a matter of time, we'll get there!!!

48. Who is your favorite character to write for?  Has this changed since you’ve started writing for that fandom?

Darius Deamonne my beloved. I do think I need to make him a bit bitchier haha, I have made him far too soft lately, and while I do believe he's a sucker for his loved ones, he's also a bitch in the best of ways. But anyway, this says your favorite and not the one you write the best so I stand by the fact it's Darius, he's just fun in all of his little complexities, his snarkiness and his softness and his vulnerability. I love him madly.

My favorite to write for used to be Hunter, for sure. Now with him I think it was in part because he's easy. He's so terribly traumatized that I always joke with my friends that you can project some things on him and chances are it'll stick because he has all the issues in the world, poor tang haha.

Thanks for the questions, friend!!! From this ask game

[wri0thesley]

hi Nat! hope everything is well!🥹 I hope you don’t mind me asking this, but how do you get people to interact with you? i have quite a big following if I say so myself but it feels like there’s barely any interaction 😭 mostly it’s my fault as well to contribute to that, but I’ve been more active nowadays and when I try to interact by posting stuff so my lovely followers can interact, nobody really does. do you know the best way for interaction?🥹sorry for bothering you with such a question :(

i do not mind at all anon!

i actually have absolutely no idea. i am INCREDIBLY lucky that my beloved followers interact with me so much (to the point i feel AWFUL i have so many unanswered asks), especially because the usual advice for getting interaction is usually 'give interaction yourself' and aside from reblogging and sometimes replying, i get too nervous to send asks and such (if i do i usually send them anon even to moots fgbkjnbgnj).

if it helps give any sense of interaction vs follower count, i have about 15k followers (i have been writing on tumblr for a LONG time and writing reasonably consistently). i do think that the fact i've been around for a while helps too to be honest; people kind of see me as a safe person to come to with asks! i also try very hard to be friendly and open which i think helps; i want to be a positive force without being an UwU Toxic Positivity Force! i also generally try not to get involved in drama any more (i was involved in a little bit a long time ago when i just wrote jojo); again, i think that's a thing people do think about with interaction, because it can be scary to interact for the first time and fear that the blog is going to laugh at you!!!

i also try and treat the anons i DO get like they're my friends and mutuals instead of making a big divide between 'this is my friend group of mutuals and these are my Less Important Anons'. i know i personally get scared of interacting with blogs who seem to have a very defined friend group and do not really venture outside of that; it can feel cliquey even when it's not!!!

so yeah gbfdjnkfgbnk. not helpful i'm sorry! lots of my advice is honestly just 'stay on tumblr and write what you like and enjoy and people will come to you'. being friendly always helps! reblogging and commenting and sending asks (i send ask prompts when i can when they're reblogged because that's easier for me than speaking off my own head! i also try and practise ask prompt etiquette - if i reblog it from someone i try to 100% send them an ask from it too, that's polite!) helps too. treating anons like your friends* (*obviously in a non parasocial way; like friends you're seeing at a party as opposed to your bff forever) helps!

i hope that any of that helps!!! it can be hard and disheartening to not base your worth as a writer (or whatever fan-content you make!) on your interaction but i promise as long as you are having fun and being nice eventually people will notice and will give back what you give out!!!! <3

[feminetomboy]

C! SFW BEEDUO SLASH FIC MASTERPOST

Have you ever wished to read some /r beeduo, but fear what the Ranboo/Tubbo tag on ao3 holds? Have you ever wished you could somehow magically filter the tag, so you'd see only the character works, with no explicit content in sight? Well, lucky reader, I might just have what you were searching for all along.

I went through the entire goddamn tag, and I manually filtered out all the sfw c! fics so you don't have to. And then I compiled everything into a spreadsheet. That's right, I am just that incredibly cool and sexy and amazing.

Things I tagged each fic with: word count, completion, angst/fluff, au/dsmp canon, "Do they kiss?"*, pet names** and additional notes if I felt anything else was worth mentioning (and there are also stars for fics that we especially liked)

*Only if Ranboo and Tubbo kissed explicitly on the lips, didn't count forehead/cheek/hand kisses or anything else of the sort

**Didn't count Boo, 'Bo and Beloved, since those are extremely common in the canon.

This took me and my discord pals many many hours, so I would be extremely grateful if you shared this as much as you could!! ♥

For what is and isn't on the list, as well as a disclaimer, keep reading.

What may be included on the list:

works by authors that also occasionally write RPF (I try to let you know of this in additional notes so you can avoid them if you wish! Check disclaimer for more info about this particular topic tho.)

violence, gore, there's also some cannibalism I think. I didn't tag any CW, but there are reminders to check the warning whenever I felt the fic warranted that.

What isn't on the list:

fics centered around sexual content and or involving explicit sexual content (past or present) (there is one about pregnancy, I noted so in the additional tags) (I also cut instances where the characters were making out...heavily.)

fics about CCs or works that were too ambiguous to be able to make a clear distinction between c! or cc!

works from authors that otherwise extremely frequently write RPF nsfw

unfinished works that were +- below 3K and seemed abandoned or just not properly built out yet (though I did this step very subjectively)

as I went on, I also started cutting out fics that didn't seem to have beeduo as their main focus, or if there were so many relationship tags I felt like you could find them from there as well (<- read as: I got frustrated and left out a lot of SBI centric fics)

shipping fics that included relationships not canon to the DSMP (for example, I cut out TNTduo but kept Puffychu. There's also some light background DNF in some of them I'm pretty sure, though I literally do not think there exists a fic involving both Dream and George without it being DNF, so hey, that's my reasoning. But if you want me to cut those ones out as well, let me know).

Disclaimer: I hadn't actually read all of the fics. Unfortunately, I am not the deity of free time. I've tried to skim almost every single one to find out whether or not it truly is sfw and about c! (but only if it wasn't made abundantly clear by the tags or author's notes, or if I got general weird vibes), and tried to add any warnings and additional notes I could come up with when there were some.

I also hadn't checked each author and whether or not they had written RPF in the past - again, I simply don't have the means for that (and also because most of them are anon or orphaned anyway), though I DID check some, and anything iffy I found about the author I included into additional notes.

I tried to sort everything to the best of my abilities, but I am only human - which is to say, if you DO find some fic that you thing doesn't belong there PLEASE dm me and I'll look into it! We are a community, helping each other is the key 🧡

If you are the author of any of the fics on the list and for some reason want them taken out, dm me and I'll delete them!

If you've got your own fic on the slash tag and wish to have it on the list (if it wasn't there already), dm me and I'll look into adding it!

As for the final note, I'd like to thank everyone who supported me the entire week this took, the Hellen Hellenite discord that had to listen to me bitch about fics, and most importantly, once again thank you @likecarillonbells @uyun @deminjackets for helping me tag the fics and for the philosophic discussions over whether or not certain works are c or cc ♥♥

[venusdeus]

Court of Kings - Chapter 1

Summary: Sent to a neighboring kingdom to secure an alliance, forced to give up your dreams and ambitions, disregarded as a means to an end. You however have no desire to fulfil their wishes. And neither does Oikawa.

Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x female reader

Genre: Fluff, comedy, angst, royalty au, arranged marriage au, enemies to lovers au (more like enemies to allies to friends to lovers), eventual smut?

Word count: 2700+

Warnings: All the characters are adults unless specified. This chapter is sfw. Minors do not interact.

Notes: Part 1 of a long series I’m planning to write. This is my first fic in this blog so I would greatly appreciate comments, follows and feedback!

Read Prologue first <...> Chapter 2

August 5th

The first messengers arrived when you were having afternoon tea with your literature instructor in the gardens of your summer residence, as your brother was practicing his sword skills not too far. A maid sent by your mother brought you the news of their negotiation a few hours later, accompanied by some of the strawberry macarons you loved so much.  

If it were up to you, you would refuse such a ridiculous offer even before it was brought to your attention. Now that they had a male heir to the throne however, there was no use of a girl that had no claim to become the future ruler, other than being sent to create diplomatic relations now that you were over twenty summers.

“Where do you think they are from?” your brother asked as he tried to dust off his clothes, quite tired from following the orders of his practice partner all day long.

“I wouldn’t know, I didn’t see any flags with them.” you continued as he looked disappointed “But they were wearing blue, so at least we know it's not from the south.”

He nodded; his eyes wide with worry “I am glad they are not sending you there.”

“No one is sending me anywhere yet Hiro.” you answered quite annoyed, turning your head sharply to glare at the boy.

It was not his fault per see but him being recognized as the heir has left you in an awkward situation for the past twelve years. You loved your brother dearly, unlike the distant relationship you had with your parents. It was not because you had the ambition to rule the kingdom either. Of course, it was unfair as you were the firstborn, and if not for what was between your legs, you would also have been the one to inherit the crown.

Even if that was so, you simply did not find it in yourself to become a leader. You, however, did wish to be able to shape your own future. One that did not involve fulfilling the selfish wishes of others.

“It would be awfully lonely without you.” he sighed, instantly making you feel guilty for sounding a little bit too harsh.

Hiro looked incredibly small for his age, standing there with his shoulders slouched, fingers flicking, a skinny and sickly kid since the day he was born. He took after your father with his dark hair and almost pitch-black eyes, but with your mother's facial features, a contrast to your own looks that bore no resemblance to any of them, another reason for your alienation from the rest of the family.

“And it would be awfully quiet without you.” you teased “Maybe then I would be able to read in peace.”

Several footsteps coming behind you silenced you both before Hiro could retort, cutting the joyful air and replacing it with a heavy feeling.

Your mother was a beautiful woman that much was true, but in a different way to that of her kids. The Queen had extremely sharp features and her painted lips always supported a displeased frown. She acted as her title suggested, prim and proper, she fit her role perfectly.

Renowned for her charm when she was younger, she did not lose much to the ages if not for the wrinkles next to her keen eyes and the white threads on her hair. Likewise, she was as smart as she was alluring. Coming from a family that lost their wealth a long time ago even though they still supported titles, no one would even dream of her being second to the sole ruler of their beloved country. She was a success-driven woman, which made her a threat in the eyes of many in the court, thus she was not given the right to make a decision when it came to the education of the heirs she produced. Although affectionate towards her kids first, she had no say on the time she had with them, causing their family ties to weaken, and mostly spent her time with foreign ambassadors. A responsibility entrusted upon her by her husband.

“I see you received my message.” she declared not looking at you directly “We will talk more about this after our guests leave. For now, I want both of you to go to your rooms and stay there until dinner.”

You could sense the irritation in her voice. It was not for her kids, however, as you could see the dark circles under her eyes, a sign of her losing sleep for the past few days.

“Won’t we meet our guests?” Hiro questioned before you could.

“It is not needed as they are only messengers.” the Queen answered shortly before continuing her walk towards the main hall, her maids trailing behind. “I will see you two in an hour.”

Leaving your brother behind, you decided to head down towards the observatory. You knew that you would get an earful from your maids later for not changing your garments for the dinner, but your head was filled with too many questions and negative possibilities to care about dresses. It was not as if you did not know that this day would come. It even took longer than expected if all things considered. Most in your position would be engaged before they even stopped using diapers. It was a more political alliance than anything else, decided by the respective kingdoms and the advisors.

You even saw the letters that were exchanged since last year with multiple seals supporting different coat of arms. The council of your father must have declined the offers before this. Not for your sake, at least you didn’t think it was, but for not suiting their taste. It was a big deal for the princess of a country, whether being the heir or not, to marry someone as it reassured the ties you would create.

The only positive thing that happened so far was the fact that you would not be sent to the south. The Southern Kingdom was placed across the sea and was an important trade partner to your own.

It was a wealthy country for sure, but also too grim and the people too wild. Other than the traded goods it wasn’t a traveller-friendly country. They kept to themselves and even though the only thing that separated the two port kingdoms was a narrow sea, they had a vastly different culture. These differences resulted in legends and the rumors about the country becoming more and more outrageous over time.

They called their men barbaric, only interested in hunt and the art of war. Their women proclaimed witches, quite beautiful unlike the stereotype, but worshippers of a different God. All just foolish rumors said your history instructor. He was a wise man that travelled a lot when he was younger and according to him these tales were nonsense. Their folk did not originate there but immigrated over a few centuries ago. He taught you that the people of the Southern Kingdom were that of culture and arts. They just did not like intruders. His words didn’t ease your or Hiro’s heart however as you were fed these tales since you were younger.

If you could find a way to escape from this responsibility you would. Yet, since the first time you sensed what was going on you were looking for an answer, just to be disappointed every time.

The dinner was cold and tasteless even though it was made from the best ingredients one could manage to find. “The lady that makes them must hate her occupation with a passion” claimed your brother when you were dismissed “I can’t understand how mother likes it.”

Once again, the King did not join you at the table. It was always the same excuse, politics, responsibilities. But you knew better. You knew why your parents did not share a bed anymore and you could see the looks women of the court gave to your father. It was not because the King was a good-looking man, quite the opposite in fact, but power attracted people.

You were fully grown now and even when you were younger, you knew what these actions indicated. You even had the most unfortunate memory of seeing one of them, who was not much older than you, leaving your father's chamber looking quite flushed. You would have not cared if only the woman did not give you a curtsy while supporting a smirk.

Lady Winna was her real name, daughter of a lord that was close to the King, nicknamed Lady Whore by you. And most of the time, she was the reason your father would skip the meals altogether only to receive a feast in his room later that night. Which was why you knew that you should never hope for a love match. If lucky you could maybe be friends with your future partner.

“She does not hate her job, she hates her life” you replied “Not that it would matter, she will leave soon. I heard she was pregnant with a lord’s child. A married one on top of that.”

Hiro gasped “What if someone were to hear you talking about these rumors” he exclaimed hitting your arm quite forcefully “you could be punished.”

“Don’t act as if you never say such stuff you little bridge troll. I know how you talk behind your instructors.” you mused rubbing the pain off. “And who will punish a princess I ask you? If not for mother or father?”

“Do I need to know what I should punish you for?”

Both you and Hiro jumped at the unexpected voice of the Queen, a gasp leaving your mouths. She was holding a box in her hand and her face was supporting a rare, serene expression.

“Nothing of importance.” replied Hiro quickly “We were just afraid of falling behind our studies.”

The Queen did not seem convinced as her eyes narrowed, but she had a small genuine smile on. “I see. Why don’t you go on ahead and start your nightly studies then? I need to talk to your sister privately in the meantime.”

Hiro let out a snort that he tried to cover with a cough. You are in trouble he mouthed before bowing to your mother and disappearing through the corridor.

“I would like you to know I was just repeating what the ladies in the court were saying. Not that I believe the rumors of course, it is quite indecent.” you tried to explain quickly but the Queen cut you with a shake of her head.

“That is not why I wanted to talk to you dear. It is however quite incident for a lady to talk that way you are right.” she sighed “Why don’t we talk in my study?”

You knew what was coming now, after all you could not remember the last time you had a conversation with your mother alone, the relaxed expression on her face, however, gave you hope. Maybe, you thought, they decided it was not time yet. Or maybe they did not like the offers that came through.

“Close the door, will you?” she asked walking towards the desk that stood before the bookshelves that covered the walls.

“Where are your attendants?” you questioned as you followed her inside “Is there something wrong?”

“I thought you would be more comfortable if it were just the two of us that’s all. I need to show you something.” She answered motioning towards the box she was holding. “It came this morning. For you of course. Go on, open it.”

The box itself was made from heavy oak, painted black with a family crest carved on top of it. The symbol looked familiar enough, but you could not concentrate enough to remember where you knew it from over the heavy beating of your heart. Opening it cautiously you took a sharp breath between your teeth, observing the contents.

Inside stood a tiara that was made from white gems shaped in intricate designs that you have not encountered before and in the middle stood an icy blue diamond so big that you could have sworn it must have cost the yearly earnings of a whole country.

“Not a ring.” You stated matter of factly “A very bold choice for a gift.”

“Indeed. But you cannot expect less from Seijoh.” Your mother replied with a cautious voice, almost as if she was calculating your reaction.

“Seijoh…” the box cluttered on the table as you let go of it abruptly “You are sending me up north? We waged war against them for years! Even before my grandfather! And now you are sending me there?”

You knew the country itself was wealthy enough and that it had a strong military presence. They had many allies within the countries that bordered yours as well.  But they also claimed right on your countries throne by sighting territorial dispute as well as a marriage between the two countries that produced no heir.

Now they were sending you there as a scapegoat. To secure his claim to the throne. And maybe even to theirs. An eye for an eye.

It took another week for your father to send a response and invite the Crown Prince and the King of Seijoh for a short visit before the decision was finalized and another two for them to arrive on the outskirts of your kingdom with their entourage behind.

As you sat in your suite biting your nails and waiting for their arrival, your maids were going in and out with different dresses in their hands looking for your approval. You on the other hand did not have the mental energy to entertain their ideas. It was bad enough that you had to attend a ball given in their honor that very evening, but you also had to be in the throne room soon enough to welcome them into the castle. Not to mention this would be the first time that you were to meet your possible future husband.

You heard of him before of course. How could you not when his reputation preceded him? A very cunning and ambitious young man, yet it was his looks that brought the most gossip. You heard his name whispered among the staff when they did not know you were listening and heard the ladies giggle when they mentioned the time that they spent in their court, with him.

It was enough to leave a sour taste in your mouth. Was it too much to ask that your future partner was a man of intelligence and few words? At least you would know that you could get along with him then. But a sharp and striking Casanova? They had to be jesting. That was the only possible explanation for this mockery.

As if your fathers’ ridiculous behaviors wasn’t enough now you had to entertain another man like him. It was pretty common for monarchs to take on other lovers, but you would not be embarrassed by a man you did not know in your own house, husband or not.

When you finally entered the throne room you could hear the commotion outside caused by non-other than the infamous man that was plaguing your thoughts for the past week. Your mother motioned you to hurry and take your place with a sudden turn of her chin just before the doors opened.

The rumors did not do him justice you thought as he strutted towards you and your family, your breath caught in your throat.

Oikawa Tooru was without a doubt the most beautiful man you ever laid eyes on.

He was beautiful alright.

And with his charming eyes staring straight at your own and his delicate hands placed on his sword, he looked ready to murder.

It might look like a filler episode, but I needed to give background and I love to build anticipation. Sorry not sorry? Reblogs are appreciated! And also this was not edited I posted it right after writing it so if you see any mistake let me know.

Disclaimer:  No portion of this story may be reproduced in any form without permission. I do not own the character of Oikawa Tooru. This is a work of fiction.

TAG LIST: Let me know if you want me to tag you.

@triskoof​ @sassyglassesbunny​ @m-a-r-i-a-s-b-l-o-g

[ziamhaze]

My Future in Fic

Yeah, so, the 100k fic that I’ve been working on for the past six months?  The one that was going to be uploaded to AO3 last week?  Yeah, it’s accidentally getting published...

Where do I start?

I suppose with a massive thank you to anyone who’s clicked on any of my fics over these past two years.  I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again.  I never ever thought about writing as a career.  I’ve never written anything prior to my Harry Potter AU Compartment 451.  I didn’t even take an English class in undergrad or grad school.  I genuinely just had an idea for a fic I wanted to read and since no one had written it, I had to do so myself.  Since then, I’ve written every single day for 2 years.  I left my job in the entertainment industry, got accepted to one of the best creative writing programs in the world on a scholarship, and now one of my stories is being considered at Harper Collins.  Yes, the Harper Collins.  It’s the longest shot in the world, but for legal reasons I was not allowed to upload the fic version on any website prior to submission.  Even if they don’t pick it up, I’ve been advised to continue to shop it around to agents.

What I can do, however, is share the premise.

If you’ve been following my tumblr and watching my tags - I SEE YOU ALL OUT THERE - then you’ll know that this fic was meant to have Zayn with his signature undercut hairstyle and one more little thing...

Someone sent me an ask a while back about what this fic was supposed to be about.  I believe I said something about it being an adaptation fic, but not from a film/tv show/other piece of literature, from a song.  This next fic was meant to be an adaptation of the song Younger by Ruel.  Later on, it also took shape with the help of Remember by Liam and a few others that you can find here.

The miniature summary is as follows:

When his father suddenly passes, twenty-nine-year-old Liam Payne is brought back to the Sydney suburbs where he grew up.  He doesn’t plan on seeing his childhood best friend, Zayn Malik, at the burial service.  They haven’t spoken since going from brothers to strangers one fateful day fifteen years prior.  But Zayn puts an end to this when he approaches Liam after the burial, offering his condolences and asking if Liam can help his archaeological research team with photographing their newest project.  The unexpected closeness forces each man to wade through uneasy emotions.  For Liam, a mixture of grief, lost identity, and confusion over why he’s willing to interact with the one person he swore he’d never forgive.  And for Zayn, a tidal wave of anxiety that comes from finally facing a part of himself he’s always chosen to deny.  When We Were Younger is a story heavily rooted in blurred identities and exploring what loss can look like in two different scenarios: death and friendship.

For obvious reasons, their names will be changed.  Liam, to Hutton.  Zayn, to Cairo (his ethnicity will also be changed to Egyptian).  As you can see, it was meant to be my big ‘enemies to lovers’ fic.  Technically, it’s ‘best friends to enemies to lovers’, but you know.

Right, so what does this mean for me going forward?

I still have so much inspiration when it comes to writing Zayn and Liam as characters.  I don’t plan on putting a complete stop to writing them, but with my career taking this large of a turn, I do have to prioritise my time.  That said, as of now, I can’t afford to write long-form fic any longer.

Soon, I’ll be starting a PhD program where I’ll be writing another full-length novel for mass publication.  For fun, here’s a little insight on the two ideas that I’ll be pitching:

1.  Underground boxer (loosely based off Liam) falls in love with arms gang leader (loosely based off Zayn).  Throughout their love story, the latter has to outrun the psychological trauma his father (the leader of Zayn’s rival gang) still throws his way. 

2.  Cold War AU.  Paris, circa 1950/51.  Ambassador’s son (loosely based off Liam) befriends new student (loosely based off Zayn) at the international school.  Paris is a ticking time bomb; war is about to break out at literally any second.  The two clearly have feelings for each other, but can’t act on them because homosexuality in the 1950s...yikes.  When war does break out, the two are separated, and as Liam’s character goes out to find Zayn’s, he learns a secret of his that changes everything.

Whichever I don’t write for the PhD will be the novel I write following it.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue to write (and edit) like crazy.  Ever since I randomly wrote C451, there hasn't been a day that’s gone by where I haven't written something.  It may have only been a paragraph or two, but never zero.  This is how you get better.  This is the equivalent of going out and shooting free throws for 30 minutes a day.  You have to put in the work in order to get better.  I'm very lucky that I'm incredibly self-disciplined and I've been able to crank out as many stories as I have over the past 2 years.

That said, I’ll be writing shorter little oneshots.  I have several ideas that I’ve been sitting on, but haven’t ever thought to write because I HATE writing short stories.  Little ideas that don't have huge plotline/climax potential, but that I want to just see on paper, I'll probably end up writing.  If I had to guess, I'd say they'll come out to around 10-15k.  Also, sequels?  Prequels?  Haha, you never know...

I’ve also got a series called “Sleep Drabbles” that are, yes, you guessed it, a series of drabbles based around one theme: sleep.  I also have a few scenes that I want to write which are based on ziam’s kids, not actually ziam themselves.  If there’s enough demand for that, I can upload those too, but they’re quite niche, so I don’t think the general fandom would be very interested.

As far as frequency for all of this, I have no idea.  I’ve always done things at my own pace and written stories that I want to write, for myself.  That won’t ever change, so I don’t want to commit to one drabble a week or one short-length fic per month.  It takes me weeks (months for this last fic) to research and interview the necessary people to get character arcs correct/believable.  I love that part of writing, and so if I have a little story that I want to write that may only be 10k but takes me ages to put together how I want, then so be it.  I will always be around to answer asks/messages and please, continue to tag me in your writing tag posts!  But please, no prompts.

So, that’s my future with fic.

Again, I cannot say thank you enough to every single one of you.  Every single thing that people tag me in (@malik-payne , @zqua1d , @zentiment , @liamisthesun , @redyellowberry I’m looking at you), I appreciate and love!  The recommendation lists that people have put me on, THANK YOU!  It’s wild to think that I used to look to rec lists for years and now I’m on them.  @ziamfanfiction THANK YOU for always having my back with exposure!  @paynefulperiods , my beloved beta reader, THANK YOU for always encouraging me and putting up with shit first drafts.  @march-z5 , THANK YOU for always being on call for ideas and listening to me bang my head against the wall at 4 am.

Now, might fuck around and make a fake picspam for the fic that never was...

Also, all of the behind scenes pages for each of my fics are now public, so feel free to check those out here.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making this journey possible. I know people say that a lot when they gain a following of any sort, but I truly truly mean it.  You have to have talent in order to be an author, but you also have to have people who want to read your stuff.  Proof of concept is a real thing.

So thank you a million times over.

Speak soon my friends.

[ficsnroses]

Pregnancy Headcanons - John Wick x Reader

❧ may be read as a follow up to these.

warnings : pregnancy. smut. morning sickness mention. mega fluff.

words : 2.3k. requested by a lovely anon!

notes : remember ages ago when I said I’d whip these up? I did em! I couldn’t fit all my ideas. lemme know if you’d like to see another one of these with a similar concept. feedback appreciated as always! 

I love headcanons. so easy. so carefree. so much to say. don’t forget that you can request headcanons, too! not just full fics or drabbles.

A few weeks ago, John and you found out you were pregnant. Initially, it’s been slightly frightening to know that in a mere nine months or so, John and you will have a baby, a little human, who’s entire world you two will be, and they will be yours in return.

You’re more frightened, being the one carrying your child. You have your fears of not being good enough, or not knowing how to be the utmost perfect mother you can be to your baby.

John, however, is ecstatic. He’s frightened as well; he’s never done this before. Yet, he keeps it under wraps for you. For you, John always puts on a brave face and holds your hand each step of the way.

He goes out of his way to make sure you’re comfortable and well taken care of. So far, your belly isn’t even showing; but there is life inside. John has always treated you as a queen, but it has intensified tenfold after he got you pregnant.

Not a dish in the house is allowed to be washed by you, not a cloth may be touched. John wants to you relax and take it easy, focus on yourself. He truly believes that as long as you’re happy and healthy, the baby will be too.

John has always been an absolute sweetheart; nonetheless, since you’ve gotten pregnant, he’s only gotten lovelier. Many times, you fear you’re dreaming, and may wake up soon. John Wick is quite literally;

too good to be true.

Each morning, he’ll nuzzle into your chest, smiling a goofy grin.

“Morning, beautiful.” He whispers into your hair, peppering soft kisses to your temples and forehead. “And to you too, peanut.” He smiles, heavy hand rested to your growing tummy. John never misses an opportunity to tell you how much he loves you, and your baby. Despite them not even being here yet. He knows that this pregnancy will take a toll on you; he’d wish for more than anything that he could carry the pain instead of you, which is why he showers you with love. He’d never want you to forget how important you are; how much you mean. You’re his entire world and this means more to him than you can imagine.

Morning sickness has been tough. Often, you’ll wake up feeling nauseous, however, you feel secure knowing you have a team player on your side. Occasionally, in the middle of the night when you’re up at 3:00am feeling awful, John helps you out of bed, holding your hair up for you and rubbing small, soothing circles to your back in the washroom.

“I’m going to make you ginger tea, alright babe?” He quietly speaks, leaving a speckled kiss to your shoulder as you freshen up. You feel awful keeping him up this late, John always needs rest due to his gruesome job.

Foot rubs and massages get a lot more common as your tummy grows. John doesn’t mind, he enjoys the intimacy and being close to you.

Speaking of intimacy…

You continue having sex for as long as you can, because you both know that down the road, as your hormones continue to fluctuate and your belly grows, it may not be something you’ll be able to do often.

John and you do, and always have had sex often for as long as you’ve been together. It helps John ease down, calm his nerves and relieve tension. You don’t mind making love to him either, of course. You feel lucky to feel him so close, and to be the only women who feels him that way.

“Close your eyes, Squish,” John whispers a chuckle, a delicate kiss placed to your bare belly, just where your baby rests. His heavier hands gently peel off the fabric of your bottoms, full lips trailing lower, soft kisses pecked to your inner thighs as he nears your heat. “Daddy’s about to do some real nasty things to mommy.”

You’re not sure if its just your hormones, or delicate emotions as of late. Nonetheless, having sex with John has felt…closer since you got pregnant. It truly feels like you’re making the sweetest of love each and every time. He kisses you so sweet, works you so slow, so intimately, so tenderly, it brings tears to your eyes.

Having him inside feels unreal, divine. He only picks up pace nearing climax, his expertise, skill and unmatchable affection never failing to spill you over the edge so well.

As your belly grows bigger and bigger a few months in, going places, and moving is becoming increasingly tough. Grocery trips have become progressively more tiresome; car rides gradually more uncomfortable. John tries his hardest to help, and understands if you snap at him a little too quick or accidentally pick a fight over something minor.

“Can you turn the music down? Please?” You interrupt a serene drive home from the market, voice coaxed with irritation, laced aggravation tinted across all tones. John’s hand rests to your thigh as he drives, his other placed to the thin steering wheel. You’d been complaining about discomfort the entire morning; he felt awful knowing you were in any sort of pain.

“Sorry.” He sighs, hand shifting from your thigh to crank the stereo of his beloved Mustang 69’ down. Passing traffic winds roar outside, the New York buildings passing in towering lengths. John’s palm immedietly rests back to your thigh; smooth, gentle strokes ran across the fabric clad to your lap. His eyes stay focused to the road, yet his hand stays touching you, letting you know he’s there.

That he’ll always be there, no matter how frustrated you get, how intolerable your nagging becomes.

He loves you, and he loves his baby. He’s waited far too long to have this; normalcy, something his, something his own; something created out of love, familiarity. Something he’d lacked for far too long.

“Ugh.” You exhale, after a moment of stretched silence, hand coming up to rub your weary eyes. “I’m being awful, aren’t I?” You whisper, saddened eyes locking to your husband’s street bound orbs. He turns momentarily to lock eyes, a gentle smile your way.

“No, sweetheart.” He assures, grip on your thigh tightening. You groan, rebutting. “No, John. I am. I’m sorry.” You sigh, reaching both your hands down to your lap to engulf his, holding his hand in a soft grip. You rub the top of his palm, relaxing, playing with his sturdier fingers. “I love you. I really do.” Sincerely, your eyes stay focused to his well defined features, the dark beard that rides his cheek.

And to the sound of your guilty voice, John chuckles, securing your hand in his, before brining it up to his lips for a soft kiss.

“I know.”

John has come to all your ultrasound appointments; he wouldn’t miss them for the world. He holds your hand the entire time, signature goofy smile daubed to his smoky features.

The first ultrasound was incredibly emotional, you shed a couple of tears. John and you stare at the screen, a pea sized dot resting in the darkened frame. John’s hand holds yours so tight, so warm, you’d felt as if you could feel him within you. Like he was this significant, big part of you that you would cherish forever. Seeing him smile that day will be a sight you’ll never forget; a mural you’ll never surrender.

Through out your time together, over the timeline of your love, you’ve only seen John this way a handful of times. This happiness was different; held something sole, matchless. This was pure happiness, where nothing else tinted the depths of his thoughts. No insecurities, no doubts, no ghosts of his past. Apart from the day you said yes to marrying him, and the day of your wedding, you don’t remember John ever being this unconditionally, purely, happy.

You both sit on the couch later that night, John’s arms holding you close as your head lays to his broad chest, staring, smiling at the picture of your dream; the one that would conquer your entire hearts when they’d come.

John keeps a copy of the ultrasound picture in his wallet. He takes a moment to look at it, to remember what he has any time he needs a pick me up throughout the day.

John takes amazing care of you, your needs always before his. He monitors your eating and drinking, to make sure you and the baby are healthy. He gives you your supplements; you often forget the times throughout the day you need to take them.

Speaking of food…

Midnight cravings have become a usual for you. Normally, you suffice for waddling down to the kitchen, sure not to disturb your snoozing husband.

Gently removing his arm from your waist, you always smile a gentle, loving glaze his way. John sleeping is a sight you’ve come to adore over the years.

John at peace; is a sight you’ve come to adore. He deserves rest, he deserves peace.

Although, its tough not to wake John. More often than not, he’ll find you in the kitchen in the AM dark, smiling a cheeky grin as you devour left over dinner, or a questionable choice of midnight snack.

He’ll come up behind you, wrapping his arms snoozily around your mid, hands placed to your tummy. With a gentle kiss to the back of your head and his warm chest pressed to your back, his sleep thick, honey seared voice rasps a tender baritone in your neck.

“Hungry?” He’ll chuckle, quiet and warm. You only nod, lacing your hand to his that rests on your belly.

Of course, there have been rare nights where you crave something that isn’t in the fridge. John never turns you down, however. No matter how tired, how sleepy he is, he ventures to your local 24-hour market, or gas station in search of whatever you’d yearned.

“Should I come with you?” You bite your lip, pulling the comforter of your shared bed higher up your chest as you sit up. “I’m sorry I’m making you go out.” You frown, insecure. “But I just can’t stop thinking about how I just need a candy bar right now.”

John’s brown leather jacket shrugs onto his shoulders, and his lips smile your way, picking his wallet up off the night stand.

“Get some rest, sweetheart. I’ll be quick.” He whispers, a kiss to your forehead before he’s out the door, blinking away sleep dense orbs.

For you, he’d wake a thousand nights. A million slumbers may waste away.

Slowly, you build the nursery for your baby. John works away, painting once crisp white walls into something more pastel, something that would welcome your child with joyful colour.

John has definitely become more talkative over the pregnancy.

He never misses out on a chance to kiss your belly, or talk to them.

“I’ll be back soon.” He announces, car keys armed in his sturdy fingers. With a kiss to your lips, he smiles. “I love you, don’t forget it.”

“Hurry back please.” You frown, a light whine coated to your tone. John only nods, slightly dropping to his knee in front of you, a quick, brief kiss placed to your tummy. “Keep mommy company, squish.” He tells your belly, a quiet, barely audible ‘daddy loves you’ Fled into the air, before he’s up, his hold on your hand let go as you walk him to the door, wishing him a wonderful day with a final kiss to his cheek.

You shop for cribs, toys, decorations all together. John looks incredibly handsome building the crib, painting the walls, asking exactly where you wanted everything to be placed. You watch him from your rocking chair in the corner, a hand to your belly as you talk to John the entire time, about anything, and everything.

John is a wonderful listener. Together, you two often talk about your future. A future where you’ll move away somewhere out of town,

Somewhere closer to the water, down the road. Somewhere where John’s ghastly pasts wont haunt him no more; somewhere you’ll grow old together with a white picket fence, and a story.

Your story, that you’ll tell you grandkids someday, when you’re old and gray, slightly slower; but still, hopelessly in love.

John adores talking to the baby. On secluded, rainy evenings, or when the sun sets out the mauve horizon and the trees bid goodnight to cotton clouds, John and you lounge on the couch, a thick, heavy novel equipped in John’s palm as he reads to you, and your tummy.

With his head resting on your lap, you stroke his lengthy coffee mane, fully engaged, lost in his mélange voice; smoky and rich, beautifully saccharine. Your thumbs coax his tired temples; gently scratching his stubble ridden cheek when you please. Every now and then, John’s glowing eyes peer up, glossing over your features.

He looks lovely like this, at ease, immersed in art.

To you, he is the loveliest of art. He’s a story, he’s a piece of Neverland. He’s your love story, and it’s one,

for the ages;

your love is one for the ages.

Sometimes, he’ll fall asleep this way, head resting in your lap as you stroke his hair. Him and the baby rest together, so close to you.

This was what it meant to have true, wholesome, pure, purpose. To have security, to have something truly, only, yours.

They were yours.

Pregnancy would be tough. It would be a journey, things would change, you would change. But you weren’t scared, for a single moment.

Because you knew, that you had your dream, your mountain of a man beside you, holding your hand,

Each step,

Of the way.

And you knew, you knew well. That the day your baby comes, they will have the most amazing, wonderful father who loves them, and their mommy to the ends of the world, and back.

You’d felt love before, you’d had everything before.

But with this, with what you’ve made, with John; it falls incomparable.

He’s the love that made all the others,

Irrelevant.

➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴

My taglist will be posted in reblogs, let me know if you want to be added or removed! :)

[hotshotsxyz]

2021 fic year in review 🌟

tagged by @zainclaw, thanks!! I high key can't wait to look at my stats, I haven't written as much as I did this year, maybe ever? so this will be fun for me lol!

Total Number Of Completed Works: 26 (!!! this is insane. nothing super long, but the fact that I've written and posted this much is just... unbelievable to me)

Total Word Count: 35k+

Fandoms I’ve Written In: All 911 baybeee

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected?

So much more holy shit. I started watching 911 in February and my brain just absolutely latched onto it. Like I said before, I've never written this consistently in my life. It's been really fun to get back into the creative process, especially given, you know, the world rn

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year?

Oh man, this is tough. I think it would maybe have to be between like it means something and (wheeze). I love buzzfeed unsolved, so writing that as an AU was super fun. that said, I'm really proud of the character work in like it means something and really happy with the reception it had too. it's also one of the first fics I ever started, stopped and then actually finished, which gave me a lot more confidence to write longer fics and commit to things like 911christmasweek

Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year?

I resolved a long time ago never to post unfinished WIPs, because I'm liable not to finish them. It was with that in mind that I posted the first part of balancing on breaking branches, which was intended to be a one shot. a ton of people asked for more, though, so I ended up writing and sharing three additional parts, all without a final product in mind. It worked out, and I'm really glad I did it!

Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year?

Nah, just to keep doing what I'm doing!

Most Popular Story Of The Year?

it's got to be HIPAA versus the Heart, outsider POV my beloved. that one was a ton of fun to write, so I'm glad people liked it!

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion:

honestly, I feel so incredibly lucky to have gotten the reception I have in this fandom. I feel like everything I post gets 10x the interaction I expect, and I'm so very grateful for it. if I absolutely had to give an answer, though, I'd say toothpaste, which is stupid and fluffy and extremely short but I love it

Most Fun Story To Write:

(wheeze), definitely. I'm actually considering a sequel, just because I had so much fun writing that one. the ghost files announcement gave me some inspiration 👀

Most Unintentionally Telling Story:

mmmmm, probably not then, not now. honestly I didn't like that one when I posted it, mostly because I felt like I was projecting way too many of my own insecurities on buck. I still don't love it, but it seemed to resonate with a few people, so I'm glad it exists

Biggest Disappointment:

There's a 10k fic sitting in my wips, most of which I wrote before 4x08. if you know my work you know that's wayyyy longer than the vast majority of what I post, so I'd love to share it. it really just doesn't work with where the characters are now anymore, though, so if I am ever going to share it, it's going to need significant rewrites

Biggest Surprise:

like honestly the fact that I've been writing at all, and even more than that, the fact that people like it. also, I thought it was very funny when someone brought first kisses back around like 4 months after I posted it

My Favorite Part Of Fandom This Year:

Just being here and meeting so many amazing people! I've never really made fandom friends prior to 911, so feeling so involved in this community has been amazing. To all of my mutuals, please know that I love you

Tagging: @onelonelytortillachip @evanbucxley @hattalove @mistletoemay @elvensorceress @oatflatwhite @queerpanikkar and anyone else who wants to do it!

[dex-xe]

I’ve made Spotify playlists inspired by each of the ghosts and I’ve made these little written pieces to talk about them. if you wanna read them, please go ahead - if not then enjoy the music!!

This is Thomas' playlist:

If anyone actually reads these let me know, cause they take quite a while to write and while I will finish all of them cause I'm a perfectionist and want them all to be consistent but if anyone actually enjoys these let me know??

Friday I’m In Love - The Cure

This doesn’t really need an explanation, Robert Smith just “really speaks” to him. I think any love song probably speaks to Thomas to some degree but I’m glad he likes it.

I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue

He loves it so much he stole it. Genuinely that’s one of my favourite scenes when he performs it for Alison just because I love his little *hides face* “please send correspondence to Miss Minogue!”

You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

We all know Thomas love a lovey pop song so like old Taylor Swift. He would dance to that over and over on repeat. He’d also appreciate the beauty of a modern love story like he does in Friends. Like the holding up the cards through the window in the music video would also remind him of Love Actually which he also loves.

Daydream Believer - The Monkees

This is Thomas’ world and we’re all just living in it. Daydreaming about Alison while not being able to do anything.

Girls Like You - Vitamin String Quartet

I said this with Kitty but it also applies to Thomas: the Bridgerton soundtrack fits nicely. Thomas would’ve been a teenager or have just come of age when Bridgerton was set so the balls and the season and everything would be the ultimate dream of Thomas who clearly loves things like that.

Venus As A Boy - Björk

Yes, this song is probably about just good sex but I also like to interpret it as being about the beauty of a man and the idea of feminine beauty (Venus) in the body of a man which I think is very Thomas who is obviously very in touch with the feminine side of beauty.

Dancing Queen - ABBA


Thomas king of dancing at Button House, his little dances to The Cure and at the party are just so fucking cute?? King behaviour.

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart - Elton John & Kiki Dee

Self-explanatory but like love at first sight and everything.

Take A Chance On Me - ABBA

Do you reckon Thomas will ever clock that Alison truly doesn’t feel the same?? Cause she’s obviously not gonna take a chance on him and like she obviously shouldn’t cause Mike is 100000% better for her XD (not just because he’s alive…) but like will he ever properly clock that??

Creep - Radiohead

Ngl Thomas I adore you but you’re a creep, you’re a weirdo. I guess because he’s dead it doesn’t really matter that much that he’s thirsting over Alison but imagine being Alison. You’re living in this big old house with your incredibly loving and devoted husband and there’s just some dead guy in the corner like “i love you more than he does”. Thomas mate consider the consequences of your actions XD

Ever Fallen in Love (With Somebody You Shouldn’t’ve) - Buzzcocks

Self explanatory but like, I’ve just said imagine being Alison but on the other hand imagine being Thomas. You’ve been living in this big old house for literally two centuries when all of a sudden it’s invaded by a beautiful woman (Alison, my beloved) but you’re dead and literally can’t do anything about your feelings. Painful. So yeah, I don’t blame Thomas for a lot of his stuff cause like I know what it’s like to fall for someone you can’t have, it hurts, man.

Line Without a Hook - Ricky Montgomery

“She’s a - she’s a lady, and I am just a boy” I feel like the way Thomas loves Alison is like a little boy crush cause Thomas died young and inexperienced in the field of love despite literally obsessing over the concept of love in his poetry. He doesn’t understand the complexity of love as is shown when he’s like to Alison “leave him, kill yourself, marry me” or something like that like he really doesn’t understand love despite loving it. He’s not too far away from Kitty in that respect I guess, they both have quite childish, fairytale-like views of love.

I Think We’re Alone Now - Tiffany

“Alone at last” Thomas get the fuck outta the bath, man!! But yeah, this gives me 90s girls sleepover vibes like little whispered secrets in the dark and honestly I fully love that.

Can’t Help Falling in Love - Elvis Presley

Again one of the reasons I don’t entirely blame Thomas for his love for Alison is because often you really can’t help it.

You Can’t Hurry Love - The Supremes

Significantly better than the Phil Collins cover which seems to get more play?? But yeah just a great song, nothing really to say.

Boys Don’t Cry - The Cure

“As an English boy, you’re encouraged not to show your emotions” - Robert Smith. Thomas is very much the rejection of that and very over expressional of his emotions which tbh is way more healthy. Thank you Thomas, boys do in fact cry (if they don’t then good lord I guess I’m no longer a boy XD)

Oh Patti (Don’t Feel Sorry For Loverboy) - Scritti Politti

“Don't feel sorry for lover boy, he wants the world to love him, then he goes and spoils it all for love”.

This Charming Man - The Smiths

(This is one of the first songs I ever remember hearing, not relevant but it’s true) The idea of rejecting “alpha-masculinity” is I think super interesting and very telling for Thomas, like he rejects the idea of traditional masculinity but he does it by attacking those who embody that form of masculinity. Like calling men ‘philistines’ (it took me so long to figure out the spelling of that) for embodying traditional masculinity and I just find that super interesting. It’s like the idea of women supporting women and the rejection of the ‘pick-me’ girl and the ‘not like other girls’ girl in favour of supporting everyone regardless of what type of femininity or otherwise they choose to employ, one day hopefully Thomas will catch that idea and apply it to other men.

Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood

Bi Thomas, that’s my reasoning. XD Nah it’s just a great song

My Melancholy Blues - Queen

Thomas’ sulking is genuinely just iconic like his sighing place and like when he gets interrupted in his sulking is the start of so many iconic lines.

[potteresque-ire]

Hi! I have been reading your posts and responses to anonymous and I am inclined to comment on your broadly realistic views and detailed analystic answers and let us not forget your ability to be warm in putting forward your opinions. I am truly a huge fan. Thank you for being a station for various answer seekers.

If you have time and patience, please elaborate on the situation GG is still facing post 227. Recently I read various comments insinuating GG copied DD for Douyin night which is absurd but the implication that only one party is still being targeted unnecessarily raise hackles of a lot of solo fans. And I, under any circumstances, DO NOT believe the involvement of the other party. Firm believer of BJYXSZD.

My point is what is being done to stop these antis from targeting GG. Since one of the motive to target GG is to severe the relationship of GG and DD, IMO at least. Does constant attack (external stimulus) on GG (belittling him by comparing him to DD) may have the possibility to effect their relationship (internal reaction)? Objectively yes, but given your perception of their relationship, what is your opinion in this matter, however subjective it may be?

Moreover, how much extreme and sometimes irrational analysis done by bjyx community can lead to harm to both of them especially GG?

Also, I have seen DD being the captain of BJYX in various circumstances but also throwing off people from their old predicted/maintened theories especially in case of Kadians. I am not sure how much to trust these 'candies' since he has a reputation of not giving a f*** of others opinion. So why would he post GG related or non-related content with same kadians. I mean if he posts private content with GG related kadian then why post promotional content with GG related kadian. Does it imply that kadians are related to GG or not or he doesn't care and we are thinking too much. I am not sure what I am writing now, maybe multitude of thoughts poring out here. I am extremely sorry for that.

I do not know whether people believe or not but 1st post by GG yesterday had initials YB in the circle. Not at all explicit, and depends on believers but I felt like he was just trolling BJYX, it may be good naturedly but after his promotional brand picture of shrimp in bunny's hand. I do not know I just felt, dissappointed/bitter/unsure about all of this. I think it is normal to feel this way from time to time even for SZD because along with emotional investment we have rational perspective which is necessary to scrutinize evidence(maybe) from time to time.

I whole heartedly apologize for writing an essay length ask, this is the reason I wanted your patience 😅.

If any other blogger wants to add or comment on this please feel free to do so. Your suggestions are highly welcomed. 🙏

Hello Anon!

I take it that your questions about safety are concerned about the behaviour of c-solos and c-turtles? International fans aren’t likely to put Gg and Dd at any risk. That said, however, frequent fighting among i-fans would likely drain Gg and Dd’s international fanbase, as many fans do not enjoy being a combative atmosphere (I, for one, will run away as quickly as a turtle can run!). Lost i-fans can’t be easily replenished, whether they’re turtles or solos ~ The Untamed, as a foreign language show so beloved that fans are willing to scale tall language and cultural barriers to understand it, isn’t something that comes around often. (stanning Gg and/or Dd does take a lot of work!)

About the arguments. I probably only know about a fraction of them since I do not interact directly with fans outside Tumblr . As far as I can tell, however, recent arguments among c-solos and c-turtles have been ordinary fights, and also, fairly “bi-directional” between the solos (ie. I don’t think Gg or Dd has been relatively exempt from attacks compared to each other). 

These arguments can be heated and some of the attacks may sound vicious, but there’s nothing much to worry about from a safety angle, as they haven’t caught the attention of those outside the fan circles.

The theorising by turtles are also not inherently dangerous. c-turtles have mostly been careful about keeping their discussions among themselves. The only risk it may lead to in the future, that I can think of right now, is the associated YiZhan content on China-based websites (ex. Bilibili, Douyin), which has become fairly plentiful. YiZhan candies used to be relatively obscure given the guidelines of CP fans to keep them among themselves (they call this practice 圈地自萌, literally, drawing a circle on the ground and have fun in it by oneself). These days, however, anyone who’s curious can get a good sense of YiZhan’s story by browsing Bilibili. 

This probably contributes to the continued growth of the turtle population; however, some of this content is created by non-turtles who seek viewership and have little concern over Gg and Dd’s safety. They are the ones who re-upload the BTS, for example, despite the repeated pleas and warnings by the “站姐”s—the superfans who take/purchase these videos—as well as the turtles to not do that. If these content creators go overboard, there’s a possibility that YiZhan content may get caught in the government’s “Eradicating Pornography and Illegal Publications”（掃黃打非) movement. The movement originated in the mid 2000s, and its recent waves have been used as pretext to remove LGBT+ and BL content on line (I will eventually set up a post re: those events). Just last month (2020 Dec), Bilibili has been explicitly named by the government for hosting questionable materials, which means it’s already under scrutiny. Sweeps performed on an entire website are usually broad-based enough that no specific individuals are targeted; however, the government also encourages, with financial incentives, the reporting of specific content and has set up a dedicated website for doing so. While all YiZhan content has no direct relation to Gg and Dd, removal of such content may cause an over-reaction from fans, which can, in turn, lead to accusations of poor fan management by Gg and Dd. Most people will also assume the YiZhan content to be created by turtles.

(Another example of how an alleged turtle mis-step can get the YiZhan fandoms and Gg and Dd tied to the 掃黃打非 movement: a few days ago, a Weibo post showed a photo of a hardcover version of an explicit BJYX fanfic, reportedly sold for profit, and GG haters were calling for an arrest for “illegal publication.” So far, there’s minimal noise on the issue, so it isn’t something to worry about. It can also be fake news, which is so bountiful on the platform and on every aspect of daily life that most die a very peaceful, very well-deserved death.).

Whether fan arguments / theories may affect Gg and Dd’s relationship (assuming they’re in a relationship) … my guess is, not much. Gg and Dd are busy people, unlikely to closely follow their fans’ discussions. Again, I expect effects to be felt only if the arguments get out of hand ~ as in, if they begin to involve the public and/or the government.

As for the question about what is being done to stop Gg being targeted: fan wars are incredibly common in China (as in everywhere else), and Gg and Dd’s aren’t special in that sense ~ it’s just that as turtles, we know about those surrounding Gg and Dd and they feel significant to us. No individuals can stop a fan war ~ all we can do is to not join these wars ourselves.

Personally, I think the international fan base of Gg and Dd, as solos and cpfs, have more chance to achieve peace than its Chinese counterparts — if they choose to want that. Popularity in China is not only quantified (which is likely true everywhere, by marketing departments), but very visibly so. Sales numbers, votes, traffic attributed to each idol are frequently released to the public, possibly to foster competition among fans and drive these numbers further upward. c-turtles’ demonstrated strong performance in pushing these metrics has made them a target to those who wish to have usurp their consumer power. They, therefore, have good reasons to be wary of anyone who try to sway them from their “turtle-ship”, whether to turn them into solos or to lure them into an entirely different fandom. The swaying messages are also not always obvious, not always a direct “your cp suck”.  They can be subtle, many even come from netizens who appear to be fellow turtles, who may say “oh, maybe we (turtles) are wrong” or “we have to be realistic; Gg and Dd will never look at each other publicly again”—messages that cast doubt and sink morale in a fandom that’s already running an uphill battle. Remember: traditionally, CP fandoms are not expected or welcomed to last, and solos have been happy to (correctly) point out that the BTS, the origin of the most solid “evidences” of BJYXSZD, are getting older by the day. c-turtles can’t expect anyone else to help defend their ship if something happens, given CP fandoms’ lack of respectability, given YiZhan being a real person M/M pairing that is often frowned upon. So it’s understandable, to me at least, why c-turtles are on guard, and occasionally, clash with those who they feel may be trying to take away what they love.

i-turtles, I feel, don’t have that many reasons to fight. We don’t really have other fandoms (for example, the up and coming danmeis—the adapted BL dramas) vying for our attention (and wallets). No one can put an expiration date on the YiZhan communities except ourselves.

Another way to see this is: we—as in, the combined Gg + Dd international fanbase, the solos + CPFs—are lucky in a way the fans in Gg and Dd’s home country are not. Collectively, we’re much further removed from the pressure to perform as fans, which is immense in China with their fan circle culture and fan economy. i-shrimps and i-motorcycles ~ some of you are reading this, I think? (hello!) ~ here are my humble thoughts: the solo/turtle ratio of Gg and Dd’s international fans doesn’t make much of an impact on Gg and Dd’s star status, on the popularity metrics that matter. Our spending power is limited outside China’s borders, and while Gg and Dd likely love us equally as fans, our adoration for them doesn’t really matter much, if at all, to the production/media/commercial companies that control the trajectories of their careers. 

Along this line, the turtles’ “double loyalty” doesn’t have much of an ill effect, because there are few popularity contests here that mean much; few times (if any) when the turtles must face the dilemma of whether to vote for Gg or Dd because only a single vote is allowed; few situations where they have only x amount of dollars and must split it equally between Gg or Dd’s endorsements. There’s also much less cause to worry that i-turtles may draw the attention, or ire of the Chinese government ~ the whole international fanbase is too far away, too spread out to destabilise the regime in any way.

What the turtles do have in common with you, the solos, is their knowledge, their love for Gg/Dd. Knowledge, in particular. The people who know about Gg/Dd are still far and in between—at where I am, at least, and my guess is, it’s likely true for many of you too. Think of the turtles as people who you can talk to about your favourite star in places where few people know about him, can help promote The Untamed  far and wide—many people still haven’t heard of the show, and they deserve to.

For the turtles ~ no one can take away our turtle-ship identity, as long as we don’t give it away. No one can report on the our communities to the government and get them dissolved. Our votes, our spending habits are no one else’s business but ours here.

So, Anon, here’s what I think, and these are all very personal opinions, very personal decisions on how to navigate fandom …

I truly hope that we, as the international fanbase, can try to use this luck that we have. Make our communities not mere copies of their (combative) Chinese counterparts but something different, something with our own flavour, something with more peace and less fighting.

Specifically, I see little cause to try to persuade/dissuade anyone to be a solo/turtle. I find them… not the best use of time. Why? Because frankly, neither solos nor turtles have a better grasp of who Gg and Dd are. Neither solos nor turtles have a truly good grasp of who Gg and Dd are. These discussions are therefore bound to end up with more ill will than conclusions, since both sides are short of facts.

We’re all short of facts as audiences, who’ve all only seen a tiny sliver of who Gg and Dd are as human beings.

I don’t mean Gg and Dd’s star image is fake ~ it’s just that, their star image is their “work face”, and even I, a lowly turtle, must act somewhat differently in my own office. It’s part of being professional.

Gg and Dd’s star image are their professional face, and no professionals worth a salt truly ignore other’s opinions, especially when the profession is being an entertainer whose job is to face and hold the attention of the public. 

This is true for Gg; this is true for Dd.

Social media accounts are also part of Gg and Dd’s professional face ~ whatever is posted on there will be scrutinised by millions of fans, and they know that. The posts do provide some insights about Gg an Dd’s personalities, but they can’t be expected to show a complete picture. No parts of these posts, therefore, whether it’s the content or the kadians, are sufficient evidences for / against any aspect of their personal lives (especially as private an aspect as their romantic lives). Anon, you mentioned promotional marketing materials, and here’s my understanding of them ~ ambassadors such as Gg and Dd have minimal control over their design. The shrimp-holding bunny you’re referring to, for example, is very likely provided by the company.

However, may I also add this? Please try to not think of the shrimps / motorcycles as enemies of the turtles. Millions of people are behind each of these labels, and true for any group of this size, a fraction of its members are bound to be annoying. A small fraction may be awful, even. But they don’t represent the entire group. The shrimps are not only Gg’s fans, many of them have supported him longer than any turtle (since turtle-ship can’t be older than 2018); they’re also the reasons why Gg is in the industry ~ they voted for him in X-Fire. Likewise, a subset of motorcycles have been with Dd since UNIQ; they were there when the Korean ban effectively dissolved his group; they stuck with him when he was attacked for taking on the role of LWJ.

We’re all Gg and Dd’s fans, if you ask people outside the fandom. Remember: few outside China understand why heated arguments can occur between a bunch of shrimps, turtles and motorbikes. (It sounds a bit kafkaesque, just typing it out.)

It’s important not to lose sight too, that Gg and Dd’s social media accounts, where many new candies are found, primarily function as bridges of communication between them and their fans. These accounts do have different degrees of “professionalism” ~ Weibo and the official accounts being more formal, and Oasis, Douyin being more laid back and intimate; still, they all serve similar purposes. They’re not candy generators, or a script Gg and Dd have an obligation to follow to confirm / refute BJYXSZD.

Also: these accounts are accessible and watched by the public, not all of whom are friendly to Gg and Dd.

Re: Gg’s drawing on Oasis. He used the account as it’s intended for—to interact with his fans (the caption of the first draft was an unspoken invitation to shower him with ideas) and maybe, to show off a little (it was a very nice piece of artwork ~ a comment that I, sadly, haven’t seen much of). I doubt he posted his drawing because he wanted fans to carpet-search for traces of Dd in it (even though he probably expected that would happen); I very much doubt he posted his drawing because he wanted his fans to fight over scratch marks or black dots.  

If these fights keep happening, I can imagine a possible outcome. He’ll stop showing us his drawings. His social media accounts will become less and less personal, as they already have.

I’ll share with you my thoughts about candies too, while I’m at it. These are probably not-so-popular opinions, so please take them all with a grain of salt.(Salted caramels? 😊 )

I haven’t looked at why candies are called candies, but I find the name appropriate for how I think of them ~ candies are 1) neither evidences or truth, 2) sweet, 3) treats (non-essential, not like the main course).

The first point is, perhaps, the one I try the hardest to keep in mind. There are posts out there claiming the candies as made-beliefs—generated from edited pictures or videos, exaggerated translations, and their interpretations forced by “guidances” in the annotations/narration. There are also posts claiming that turtles are deceivers, or have been deceived by brainwashers who maliciously created these make-beliefs. A turtle may assume these posts are all lies, all made by antis. 

But, speaking turtle-to-turtle, I’d venture to say this … there’s some truth in the *first* statement. Many candies do, indeed, taste different if their taster returns to the original source—not necessarily unsweet, but less sweet. Candies, remember, are generated by fans like you and I. Same for c-candies ~ they aren’t endorsed by Gg and Dd, aren’t necessarily closer to the truth just because of the relative proximity of their birthplaces to their leads. 

Candy generation is The Tradition of CP fandoms. It’s a celebrated skill, and who doesn’t want to generate a candy that will be talked about, that will be part of the BJYX canon, for as long as the fandom lasts? Some fans are, therefore, also more … efficient in the “marketing” of the candies they generated — in persuading others that their candies are evidences, the truth. “Guidance” photos and videos (which pinpoint the place to watch, sometimes with appropriate sound effects for emphasis) have come about that way, and because they’re easy to digest—especially where language barriers exist—they end up spreading to i-fandoms.

These photos and videos may look more professional / trustworthy, but they often have an additional layer of subjectivity ~ on top of the already subjective opinion of what makes a candy. Translations (of BTS, fake rumours house content etc) also introduce a subjective element. Word choices can significant modify the tone of a conversation; speakers of different Chinese dialects may also have different interpretations of the same phrases. Example: I, as a non Chongqing/Sichuanese speaker, can guess the literal meaning of the “puppy” term Gg used for Dd — 狗崽崽 (gou zai zai) — but I also had to rely on others to tell me how endearing the term is; me being a Chinese speaker actually doesn’t make my interpretation any more valid, or authoritative, in this scenario, because my dialect doesn’t use this term at all. 

It doesn’t mean the people who’ve put in the work have any less-than-good intent; the vast majority of them come from a place of deep love. It’s just that we all carry our own perspectives, and as fans, our strong emotions in our fanworks.

This is why candies are often insufficient as good “points” for arguments, why they fail to convince non-believers, sometimes to the disappointment of some turtles. As evidences, they aren’t objective enough; they’re also often touch upon the assumption that’s mark the fundamental difference between solo and cp fans — the assumption that Gg and Dd are (not) together. Take, for example, this segment from a (polite) ask I got from an anon solo:

All the matching clothes, jewelry, shoes etc. Stopped being valid candy when I realized that the brands have popular stars "endorse" their products. The lightning pendant? Other actors have also worn it. Does that mean they are in a 3-way with (Gg) and (Dd)? Probs not.

Solo anon was correct! Brands have star endorsers, and other entertainers have, indeed, worn the same lightning pendant. The implied argument is also valid: people who don’t care about, don’t even know about each other can wear the same things. Most of us do that on a daily basis with our mass-produced garments.

However, a counterargument can also be made to the statement above, and easily: even the most precious, most beautiful wedding rings (say, from Tiffany!) are not exclusive to the first RL couple who bought them. It doesn’t mean the first RL couple is sleeping with all the couples who bought the same rings afterwards, doesn’t mean those rings aren’t significant to every one of these couples as romantic mementos. More often than not, couples wear matching things not because these things are exclusive to them—because how often can one find things that only exist as a single pair in this world? They wear matching things because they want to see something on themselves that remind them of their significant other and so, as long as the things aren’t so prevalent that everyone is wearing them, they can already serve their purpose.

But you see, Anon, that arguing over this would’ve been a waste of time? Because the solo came in with the assumption that Gg and Dd were not a couple, and the counterargument was made with the assumption that they were. The pendants alone are insufficient to prove either side correct or wrong. No one knows why those pendants ended up on Gg and Dd’s necks, except Gg and Dd and their teams. If I were to argue with anon solo, we can go on and on and on until we’re both left with bitter tastes in our mouths and WWX-red in our eyes, and forget the one thing that really matters: we’re both Gg’s fans.

(We could’ve spent the time talking about how that scene in The Wolf with Ji Chong throwing Zai Xing in the water is ❤️.) (I can’t believe the script waited 30+ episodes to do it. 😂)

This leads to my second point, Anon. Candies are meant to be sweet, and they’re meant to be sweet for you. In Chinese, a term for an expert candy person is a 嗑學家 (the candy-eating in CP fandoms is called 嗑糖 (ketang) ～ with 嗑 ke denoting a specific form of eating that requires breaking something open first with teeth—such as watermelon seeds; a 嗑學家 is a 嗑 (ke)-ologist). A 嗑學家 isn’t someone who can recall the longest list of candies, or spread the most candies around, or convince the most people that the CP behind the candies is real; they are those who can find their own candies in a source material, and be overjoyed by the sweetness of their discoveries without outside help. To me, at least, this term encapsulates the subjective nature of candies ~ what’s right for you may not be right for me and vice versa, and that’s perfectly all right. In other words, there are many candies out there but you’re not required to believe in all of them; instead, you’re free to choose candies to your own liking, compose your own version of the BJYX canon that you love, that you find sweet.

Wait, but you may say. Doesn’t that make my canon fantasy? Yes and no, because candies are based on real events. They’re interpretations, which sit somewhere between reality and fantasy. They’re like … opinion shows on news channels.

But what if I need to convince people of my canon —

Your “opposition”’s canon is as fantastical, and as real as yours — maybe it isn’t, but neither of you have a way to prove it one way or another.

Wouldn’t solos call me delulu, or clowns?

Maybe. But one step outside the fandom, and all of us fans—solo and cpfs—are delulu, clowns.

(That’s why while I’ve used the cpn label, I haven’t called myself delulu, or a clown. Anyone who thinks I have the truth about the love story about a pair of idol I haven’t met from thousands of miles away … the joke’s probably on them, don’t you think?)

Of course and again, Anon, this is only my take! I like candies precisely because I like to watch the real-time generation of candies, which ones different people claim as their own, which candies fall away and which stick around in the fandom over time. As a fic writer, this ship has gifted me with a treasure trove of information ~ what do people think of as romantic gestures, as give-away signs of love? The fun/amazing part of BJYX is that candies are available for so many different answers to these questions. Some people think of longing gazes and sweet smiles; some think of touches that can’t be helped (the many, many, many “fights”); some think of service (buying foods, designing clothes); some think of caring about the other’s well-being (throat candies and dumplings + noodles + crackers); some think of being The Other’s One and Only Exception (Dd being so talkative around Gg, Gg being so … fussy around Dd); some think of expressions through the arts (songs, drawings, dances); some think of grand gestures (the wave heart in the ocean); some think of matching clothes and symbolic accessories (rings); some think of birthdays and anniversaries (314, 622, the first snow); some think of sharing life’s hassles and small tidbits (fake rumour house); some think of … just looking VERY good together. Etc etc.

Some think of a subset of these, some think of all of these…

(Personally, I’m a very picky candy eater. I know about many of them, but only a small fraction impresses on me.)

(Still, I love watching candies. I love watching the joy of people sweetened by them ~ or, when c-turtles exclaim kswl! — the short form of ke si wo le! 嗑死我了! I “ke”ed so much I’m dying!)

This gets to 3), Anon, and I apologise to you too, for answering your not-essay-at-all with an essay! Candies are, to me, treats, and I don’t expect them to come at any frequencies higher than treats do. The reason isn’t because I don’t like candies ~ I enjoy watching them, as I said, even if I don’t eat many of them; the reason is because I don’t expect anyone’s romantic love to leave a trace in everything they do. For example, if I truly find myself in a SZD/SJD discussion re: Gg’s drawing, I’d say the lack of Dd in Gg’s self-portrait doesn’t really mean much. Even if Gg and Dd were head-over-heels in love with one another, Gg doesn’t have to put Dd in everything he touches. Likewise, Dd doesn’t have to present a consistent, or decipherable story with his kadians. This is true for the real-life couples around us too, isn’t it? They don’t perform every single act in life leaving a noticeable trace of their significant other. And the misunderstanding that couples do that — that their romantic lives take over who they are as individuals — IMO, partially explains why people who choose to not to date or marry, people who’re aro-aces, often have a difficult time convincing others that they’re complete humans. Romantic love is, of course, very, very important and can be life altering, but it also isn’t everything about a person ~ especially not if a person who has a career as exciting as Gg’s and Dd’s. Gg and Dd who also have friends, family, (many) talents and interests …

(And lots of ugly icons on their cell phones. Yes, I’m talking about you, Gg. That long-armed Pepe from your 2018 snowless Beijing post will give me nightmares…)