#which is fine bc that's not really what I read it for. but I am a dragon enjoyer so I do kinda wish they did more
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
in the case of the people vs. bell's hells...
and also the campaign 3 finale overall. disclaimer: this is gonna get long bc of my propensity to yap so i'm gonna simultaneously try to keep it short but also put it under a "read more." spoilers will be referenced throughout.
i wouldn't call these rent-lowering gunshots, but i desperately need some of the folks in this fandom to get a grip. so instead i'm asking: walk with me. hold my hand. i am looking you in the eyes and want this fandom to be a nice place. please forgive me for any attitude but i am tired of being talked down to.
"they never faced any consequences" consequences are the result bad dice rolls. of which they had plenty. if you think their narrative choices should have resulted in more punishment, say that. but i think you missed the part where they have targets on their back from several factions and now-mortal deities and you need to kill the cop in your head.
"it was too confusing and the pacing was bad" i don't even disagree with this takeaway. i will say this was actually the easiest campaign for me to follow. m9 is so fun, but was very narratively scattered at times. however, i think this is just the nature of ttrpg/actual play. it's not scripted. it's messy and sometimes you'll zone out about it. sometimes what the players want isn't what grabs you personally. it doesn't mean they're wrong or bad to play it that way.
"i fell off c3 and everything i've heard about the finale is stupid" fall off, then. totally fine, i'm not here to stop you, sincerely. and not to hurl cliches, but with tabletop it really is more about the journey than the destination. without context, you are missing too many pieces to pass judgement. that's all i'm gonna say on that.
"the other PCs were just so much better" i gotta say this one seems like a skill issue lol. there's not a single party i haven't loved with my whole heart, but they satisfy different purposes or dynamics! vm was destined for greatness. m9 was destined to pull important strings. bh was destined to shake up the order of things. they were supposed to be controversial in-world. they're salt of the earth, rising far beyond their stations ever expected. they became important at work and it very nearly ruined their lives.
"it was like sitting in a philosophy 101 class" praytell what philosophy classes that you've sat in discussed the ethics of magic, direct divine involvement in human* lives, and potential outcomes that would come along with killing all the gods or releasing something called the god-eater. look. i grew weary with the rehashing of these conversations too, really i did. that said, i think it needed to play out this way in order for the finale to go the way it did.
allow me to explain. one of the defining qualities of bell's hells was how different they all were. whether it's their perspectives, life experiences, backgrounds, desires, aspirations... you get it. this was the point. they were bound together by compassion and love for each other. and this extended to those they stood for personally, and those their friends cared about. it was how they approached ruidus, the gods, the people of vasselheim. and they walked the walk and trusted the process, prepared to face anything. including death.
*obviously including all exandrian/ruidian races beyond just human
"the finale cheapened the ending of vox machina" it didn't. i'm sorry but it very fundamentally did not and if that's your takeaway from a change of circumstance ~30 years down the line, i am worried that you are too lost in the sauce due to favoritism. if your takeaway from vax being allowed to return to the material plane is that now his conclusion from 30 years ago was just him going on a work trip, that is a you problem.
the narrative doesn't treat it like that. the characters don't treat it like that. the cast doesn't treat it like that. let me repeat myself: if you think vax's c1 ending is now nothing more than a glorified work trip, that is a you problem.
life goes on. the state of the world is changing constantly, especially in a world with gods and magic and different planes of existence. matt allowed these players to have direct involvement in the ways it changes. if vax was allowed to return in some capacity as a result of those changes, the cast made that happen. it wasn't even on bell's hells priority list! this was a natural change of circumstance. if that's the kind of thing you find upsetting, maybe unpack that elsewhere.
i'm gonna wrap it up here but i hope you keep this in mind: if you don't like a thing anymore, you can absolutely drop it. you don't need anyone's permission. but what i ask is that if you want to engage in thoughtful conversation and criticism about it, you keep these things in mind.
i don't believe this show or cast to be above criticism. i have plenty of critiques of my own. but the campaign three finale was the opposite of bad. it was the most satisfying conclusion we could have possibly gotten. it was the culmination of the last 3 years with almost everyone who encountered bell's hells and honored the last 10 years of their hard work. i am so so proud of matt and the cast and i think you should be too.
#critical role spoilers#cr spoilers#cr#i needed to get this off my chest#hope this reads as equally petty and sincere bc i am so sick of being talked to like i'm an idiot for enjoying this#BY MY OWN STUPID FANDOM#i'm a writer with a comms/media studies degree i think you're just throwing a fit about things changing#if you really want to see a lackluster and insulting conclusion to a beloved franchise you should try dragon age veilguard#and if you're thinking about arguing with me in the comments or replies please reconsider#try self reflection instead
44 notes
·
View notes
Text
made a pie chart of asoiaf dragon colors bc I was curious about it ^_^ my verdict is asoiaf is severely lacking in cool dragon designs why's there so much grey/brown/green I need more prettygirls. (I based this off of the books/grrm's descriptions, so vhagar is counted as bronze and vermax is undescribed even tho they're green in hotd. also quicksilver is technically undescribed but I counted her as silver bc of the name)
also heres a version not counting the undescribed ones
#only 2 blue dragons is CRIMINAL#i guess vhagar had bluish green highlights. maybe she counts? idk what grrm means by 'highlights' like are her wings green or is it like#green shine like a pigeon. I assumed it was the second one but I've seen people draw her as the first so. idk#not even one purple one :( purple and gold would slay so hard....#tbh I think asoiaf's just kinda lacking in the dragon department in general#which is fine bc that's not really what I read it for. but I am a dragon enjoyer so I do kinda wish they did more#or at least looked cooler#at least even if hotd starts being shit it'll still have dragons I can go googoogaga at
144 notes
·
View notes
Text
had an absolute shit day at work, got off of work, remembered lando and oscar’s beef, almost started crying, went on twitter, saw that they ate mcdonalds and played monopoly on the plane back to monaco, almost started crying again, no longer feel like shit thank you and goodnight
#no bc my day at work was lowkey terribleeeee 😍😍😍😍#had TWO people call and yell at me and the first one was literally so bad that my bosses and everyone else that works there was APPALLED#when they read the transcript of the call and said it was one of the worst calls they’ve ever seen#i’ve worked here for literally five days and three of those werent even me actually working and answering calls#so anyway that was cute but they all said i handled the situation well so there’s THAT#which. realized how much i actually cannot handle praise because i still feel a bit weird about that#anyway#got off work and then had literally twenty minutes to myself where i actually could be alone with my thoughts#and OBVIOUSLY ended up thinking of landoscar like any normal person would#and then got incredibly sad and felt a pit of despair in my chest#and then went on twitter and saw the article saying that they’re fine#so like. i no longer feel like actually blowing my brains out#at least until i think about landos radios and then i want to die again but what can you do#anyway. i have to be up at 8:30am so i will very much be going to sleep soon because i am Tired#and i really hope i don’t uave to deal with that entire situation again at work tomorrow because there’s a chance i will lol#lacey talks
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
ca n we all agree that human bonnie would not be a baker btw
#idc what gary does he's boring either way#but pb pbubs peebles is a scientisttttt she does scieeencceeeee#i mean baking is a science in a way but she'd be doing like... biology and chemistry n shit#a bit of physics#i mean sure baking as a hobby. but it would noootttt be her main thing#this isn't f&c hate bc as previously mentioned gary can do whatever the fuck he wants as long as he does it with minimal screentime#well maybe i am hating a little bit#i dont think i hate gary thaaat much actually its just that pb is so much better in every conceivable way and it makes gary so so#hard to care about in comparison#and he does not really read as a pb variant at all tbh... completely different personality. which is fine i guess#maybe they did that on purpose bc tbh pb's personality and everything would not work if she was anybody other than princess bubblegum#ykwim?#just wouldn't hit the same#wait moment of realization. i think i just like every other adventure time character too much & i need a punching bag
15 notes
·
View notes
Note
People are ridiculously entitled and it’s genuinely so disheartening. Books are someone’s ART. You don’t just get to alter a name in someone else’s creative work. (I’m appalled people out there think this is remotely acceptable - writers are not court jesters nor do they exist to please everyone - no human being nor their creative work does, in fact!) Thanks for putting your various responses out there! Here’s hoping people learn to respect and appreciate artists and creators once again
Quoth Nora Roberts:
I am not here to be a slave to certain reader’s wants, needs, whims. Again, I write what I write, and these are MY characters, in my books. Not yours. They are yours to enjoy or not, but they belong to me, they come from me...
You don’t have to agree, but I’m not writing for your particular point of view. Again, I’ve explained my reasons for this. I won’t do so again. My characters, my books, my decision. If you want something else, read something else.
And yes, I said that, too. Blast away, it changes nothing. I am not obliged to meet an individual’s demands.
So.
First off:
If you're really super chill about the idea of being able to change what writers write just because you didn't like a detail you think is small and irrelevant, I would sincerely encourage you to read La Nora's full thoughts on similar issues... and yeah, I'm gonna equate something as "small" as a name with what Nora's talking about here. Because it is ALL the author's domain. I've never personally subscribed to the idea that a work "isn't yours anymore" once it's out in the world. The way people interpret and interact with it isn't yours, sure. But it's still your creation, and you should be the only person with control over the content.
... and sometimes, I, as a reader, don't like what authors do with their content. I get it. I don't like that Lisa Kleypas edited her work years after publishing it, because I'm big on the "own what you wrote originally even if it's uncomfy" train... (for the most part--editing the fetishization of Cam and Kev would've made sense to me). And I don't think there's anything wrong with readers pointing out problematic shit in a writer's work, offering critique in an open forum, as Smart Bitches, Trashy books did when reading Hello, Stranger, which I speculate may have prompted some of Lisa's edits.
But! I can't say that it would ever be my right as a reader to, say, use future technology to tell my reading device "edit out the times Cam says shit that reads super fetishized". It's just kind of repellent to me to imagine rewriting someone's work in any way without their permission. Fuck, I don't even like the idea of estates releasing sequels or revised versions of books unless the author indicated that such was in their wishes in their will. (See: the TWO official Gone with the Wind sequels/prequels/whatever authorized by Margaret Mitchell's estate.)
We, as readers, have our lanes. The writers have theirs. And sometimes, as writers, they do tiny things or BIG things in their lanes that we dislike. (I love Tiffany Reisz's Original Sinners series, for the most part. I really, REALLY hate the most recent book in the series. HATE. IT. But the only thing I can do about that shit is just pretend that book never happened, which I actually can fairly efficiently because I do in fact control what my brain does. Or, seek out books that give me what that series didn't with that most recent book. Sierra Simone's do a bangin' job.) But you know... Not only do I not think it is safe for me to merge into their lane... I don't want writers to feel like they have to submit to demand and give away pieces of their work in order to keep selling.
(And honestly? For the vast majority, I don't think it would make enough of a difference anyway--writers are often sold bills of goods with new strategies or tech. "This will change the way you sell books". Most writers won't ever be able to write full time anyway, and I find the way that this fantasy that you'll be able to do otherwise with THIS TECH optimizing your writing time, or THIS SUBSCRIPTION increasing the eyeballs that will see your book... Scammy. Not all of it's bad! But the selling strategy that you'll make more money... If you're selling on KU, if five extra people buy your book you're still making pennies, so it's gotta be more than one thing that converges to create the sale, and a lot of that, I gotta say, is word of mouth and people just LIKING YOUR SHIT. And I'd argue that they're more likely to like your shit if you're invested as a writer.)
Second:
No need to thank me! I honestly think that the majority of readers do appreciate what writers do (or don't feel either way about it and just read like people have always read lol) but I don't know. I can't really tell what it is--the sort of "fandom" that's been created around books (and like, author fan clubs and such have always existed, but obviously the accessibility is so different), new tech developing very rapidly when for centuries books were relatively stagnant technologically speaking, the fanficification of EVERY type of media it feels like... But the sense of entitlement that certain readers feel does seem to have grown. Or maybe it's simply become more visible. I mean, Nora Roberts has from the dawn of her writing career taken off had fans that can communicate with her, and I'm sure many have written letters like "Go give these characters a baby :(".
My biggest thing is always going to be this: some books ain't gonna be for you. There are books that sound so Caroline. I read them, and for whatever reason--writing style, one character choice, something ephemeral I can't name--they aren't. Everyone else loves these books. I'd love to love these books. I'd love to discuss these books. I'm not in the party. And that's FINE. Not every party is going to be a party I'm down for! One of my best friends loooooves Tessa Bailey and Tessa-like contemporaries. Tessa, by and large, doesn't work for me. So my friend and I can't discuss a lot of books in depth. Do I wish historicals worked for her so that I could nerd out with her? Sure! But I can't make something that doesn't work for her work for her, and I can't make Tessa's books work for me.
And I know that people will be like "it's just a name bitch", but... it's a slippery slope to me, just like ALL of AI and AI-related tech has been a slippery slope. Like, y'all said AI wasn't gonna be a big deal and would just make things easier, and people are now selling AI-written books under their names. Everyone said that authors would have control over how AI interacted with their books, and books are being scraped for AI on the daily.
I do not want anyone to have final control over what is and isn't in a book but the person who wrote the book. I do not want writers to feel like they need to cede any amount of control over the copy in that book over to readers in order to succeed.
And I honestly think it would be a lot healthier for everyone involved if we as readers (viewers, general audiences) just accepted that we don't get everything we want, and creatives are not here to dance to our tune. They are people, and they want to tell the stories they want to tell. Your power? Is in your dollar. If you don't like that shit, don't buy it. If you don't want to support it... don't! Fuck, if you want to talk shit on the internet about how the most recent book in the series was absolutely not for you, that's your right, too.
I don't want you fucking with a single word on the page, though. Feel free to go write your own shit--prosper! But that part of what Nora said that rings true to me most is "they come from me". These books come from writers. You have them because of those writers. So, I don't know, dude. Just take what's there, and if you dislike it, spit it out and move on to the thing you will like. Authors aren't churn factories to produce what you want, and ROMANCE as a genre, however commercial it is and however much it does have that One Rule that defines it as a genre... Is still something that writers should be allowed to experiment with. That's the work writers put in. The work readers put in? Finding shit that works for us. And I'm telling you... With a little practice, it ain't hard. How do y'all think I have all these books to recommend? Lmao
#romance novel blogging#and look until i publish a book i consider myself a reader first a writer second#i get it! i love readers! i am a reader! i think the majority of readers are totally respectful of the process#or again just don't care and read a book and move on lmao#don't even have a goodreads account#(which is FINE)#but the entitlement squicks me out both as a reader and as a (for now largely for fun) writer#it's like people put zero consideration into the effort and thought it takes#it's work! and your money is your money and you can decide whether or not you want to support that work#but like... it's especially a thing w romance imo even from romance readers#where this seems to be this idea that there isn't effort and thought put into the books. and it's p demeaning tbh#and you know i'd say the same shit if we were talking fic#and i don't think that any of what i'm saying suggests that you can't make fic btw--creating a fanwork and altering the original#v different things and they come with different intentions imo... and i respect the effort that comes w fic too#ANYWAY! i said i wouldn't say anymore but the casual nature of just changing shit really bugs me#and i needed to get these thoughts out of my head bc i kept thinking about it lol#and everyone can HATE ME
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
My gf was listening to "White Blank Page" by Mumford and Sons and I once again told her that song is SO much better if it's gay.
She doesn't listen to the lyrics of songs but she's extremely good at literary analysis and this time she actually looked up the lyrics and has now come to the following conclusion: "It makes no sense if it's not gay."
My (objectively best) reading is this:
The narrator was in love with a guy who strung him along, never willing to be in a committed (or public) relationship with him and maybe insisting that it's extremely heterosexual "helping a bro out" sex, except in more intimate moments. Finally out of nowhere guy is suddenly committed to a woman and when Narrator confronted him, guy spat out homophobic vitriol and claimed he's not gay like the Narrator.
(For extra flavor imagine them as closeted, straight passing Midwestern flannel wearing, love-bonfires-and-camping guys who sat next to each other at church and elbowed and annoyed each other like best friends do and were each other's go-to source of emotional support! And then to suddenly shut Narrator out for the first time ever, by abruptly marrying a woman and insisting that he's always been straight and their relationship meant nothing...)
Here are the lyrics:
Can you lie next to her And give her your heart, your heart As well as your body? And can you lie next to her And confess your love, your love As well as your folly? And can you kneel before the king And say, "I'm clean! I'm clean!" ? But tell me now, where was my fault In loving you with my whole heart? Oh, tell me now, where was my fault In loving you with my whole heart? A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage You did not think When you sent me to the brink, to the brink You desired my attention But denied my affections, my affections So tell me now, where was my fault In loving you with my whole heart? Oh, tell me now, where was my fault In loving you with my whole heart? Lead me to the truth and I Will follow you with my whole life Oh, lead me to the truth and I Will follow you with my whole life
Why call multiple people "you" in a totally unclear way? Why would you claim that your female ex's new man can't love her AT ALL (not just as much as you did, AT ALL)? And invoking the judgment of God is so fucking tedious if you're just shaming your female ex for moving on or even cheating/getting with your friend. Also you look like a creepy asshole if you think a girl broke up with you for "loving her too much".
This song is tepid, badly written, and makes the narrator look like an asshole if it's NOT gay.
The gay reading is the ONLY compelling one.
#i don't even care about m/m romances lmao i get bored when there's no women BUT#this is objectively the best reading#anyways my gf and I came up with the main beats for an entire romance story about these guys#as a dyke raised in the church i really like the religious midwestern reading here too#also there's SUCH a phenomenon of guys having secret sex out in these rural areas and insisting even to themselves it's not gay#so this reading is very compelling to me#i also like to think the woman is like fine. there's nothing wrong with her she's sweet and friends with both of them.#gf said what if she's Narrator's sister?#like i think it's better narrative wise if the woman has no idea and isn't trying to 'turn him straight'#bc the ex CHOSE this. he caved and all so he can stand before God and insist he's 'clean'#which to me... very very resonant#updates on my boring life#also I think the ex can be either bi or gay like it doesn't matter because either way Narrator is convinced ex loves HIM still n not wifey#god i could go line by line but no one wants that lmao it's extremely funny that i fixated on this#i did not even know it was a mumford and sons song or that they are british until gf told me both facts today#i am in no way a fan#im jsut a sucker for religion flavored gay angst i guess or at least this variety of it
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'll be fine as long as I never have a moment alone to think about anything
#my posts#if im doing something or thinking about doing something or talking to someone or listening to something#im okay. i just need something to focus on#but when i have nothing and no one to focus on immediately i think about my life#and i dont think about the plenty of good things in my life. i think about the problems that i cant set down#im not over anything that happened to me so i just think about it over and over again#and i cry about it all the time and im so tired but im too upset to sleep#so i just do things read things watch things. i learn what i can about whatever i can#anything that isnt on memory lane#i realized since dating this nb that this is what i use social media for#something easy so i dont have to think. thinking too long is the enemy#it always leads me to the same place and *evanescence voice* im so tired of being heeeeeeeeeeere#and i use nb for this too like when they're around i just think about them and i talk to them#its much easier to Do Nothing with nb around because their presence is inherently distracting#but i cant just do nothing All The Time even when im with them so eventually i turn back to social media#which really bothers them and its something we talk about a lot#and i havent explained any of this to them bc im still working it out myself#if my mind doesnt wander i will be fine. so whenever its time for bed and no one else is here with me i am not fine#i spend hours spiraling and i cant get out of it#i used to smoke weed about it and i remember only spiraling sometimes but not Every Night#i dont know what to do anymore like how do i get over myself#how do i do it without help
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
going to take an internet break just for a few days, ive been wanting to anyway because i get too distracted from my phone especially tumblr and instagram.
i got so many messages on that post, and im learning quite a bit which im thankful for, and im going through answering people but it is overwhelming, theres so many split threats and messages its hard to keep track
i definitely recognize how my post came off, regardless of my intent, and thank you for everyone being patient but i also am not mad at people who arent.
I think after a few days ill be able to read more. bc rn anything longer than a paragraph turns to soup
#i really am glad to learn more but i wish i had written the post differently#and not bc im getting so many messages but bc of the way people are intepreting it#its no different from experiencing an antisemite in an antisemtic post#ive already told a bunch of people the same thing about my intent and what i meant#and why i did caps on NOT#its a mess#from now on im going to sit on a post when tagging to ensure its being percieved exactly how i mean it#bc this has happened before not on this topic#but i just really suck with words. because i know what i mean and intent i leave alot out#of what i write. i forget that people dont have my context of my brain. this has been a LONNNGGG standing problem#and its hard bc i can reread what I write and because i have that context in my brain it always sounds fine#but then i post and people misinterpret (nonfault of their own) and thats when im able to see it#bc ive gotten explained how it comes off#only way i can think of combat this is to write really long posts which i can do but then no one will read or reblog thus not replying#idk.#anyway see younin a few days
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)
#heed my warning boy#it seems i am not well today#recently made the reluctant decision to revisit what was probably my VERY FIRST real hyperfixation#something that i don't necessarily want to mention by name right now because. well#its pretty objectively bad LOL like i dont think i know of ANYONE still posting about it or really proud of having liked it back in the day#i dont think it is as well known to the general public so it wont get me hunted down for sport even if i did name it probably hopefully#but for those who know its. probably not the best thing to be revisiting lmao (even though i think it might still be being made?? wtf)#but i felt i had to because i was about to start my period and was going crazy insane like you do you know how it is#and i randomly remembered a fanfic i loved and then remembered my fav character and how much i loved him#my actual first ever blorbo oh my GOD he was everything to me#so i reluctantly decided to rewatch “just the first few episodes” just to see how much i remembered and also to prove to myself it sucks#but surprise surprise: nostalgia and hormones are making me actually kind of enjoy it#and now i am suffering from fucking Catholic-like Guilt for not hating it which i think is pretty silly lmao#so im kind of posting this in an attempt to convince myself that its like. FINE and cringe is dead and all that#and that sometimes i gotta be nice to my little mentally ill brain and give it the junk food (bad media) it craves#ESPECIALLY when im on my period LMAO#anyway completely unrelated: why the FUCK do i still remember almost every single fucking word to the delicious tomato song SDHJFKSAJF#i hope no one actually reads this far in the tags bc i know that reveal will probably deal psychological damage to some of you LMAO SORRYYY#ok yeah posting this and then immediately going to bed so that the Haters cant reach me LOL SEE YA
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
everyone please clap, i just sent a really civil email instead of what i wanted to say which was YOU STUPID FUCK DO YOU FUCKING READ INSTRUCTIONS?????? DID YOU READ THE FUCKING PAPER WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE PRESENTING ON??????? WHY DID YOU WANT TO MEET AT 9:30 PM ON THE DAY THE PRESENTATION WAS DUE AND THEN DID ZERO FUCKING WORK UP UNTIL THAT MOMENT?????? WHY THE FUCK DID I DO 90% OF THE WORK WITH THE HOPE THAT YOU WOULD DO THE MUCH LESS MENTALLY TAXING REMAINING 10% OF WHICH HALF IS FULLY OPTIONAL AND THEN I HAD TO FUCKING BABYSIT YOU THE WHOLE TIME YOU DID IT??? LITERALLY MOST OF WHAT YOU HAD TO DO WAS COPY PASTE TEXT FROM A GOOGLE DOC INTO SLIDES HOW DID YOU MISS HALF OF THE FUCKING GOOGLE DOC????? YES WE HAVE TO HAVE THAT, BECAUSE THAT ACCOUNTS FOR HALF OF THE FUCKING ARTICLE!!!!!! DID YOU READ! THE! FUCKING! PAPER! I SPECIFICALLY WANTED TO HAVE THE LAST HOURS OF THE EVENING OFF TO DO OTHER THINGS BUT I STILL HAD TO BABYSIT YOUR STUPID FUCKING ASS!!!!!!!! ALSO DID YOU GENUINELY JUST ADD ‘WE SHOULD GIVE TAX CUTS TO BUSINESSES SO THEY WILL CREATE HOUSING FROM THE GOODNESS OF THEIR HEARTS’ TO THE SLIDES?????? I WILL ENJOY SEEING YOU FILETED TOMORROW!!!!!! BRO YOU HAVE TO EITHER BE SMART OR BE PRODUCTIVE YOU CAN’T DO 5% OF THE WORK AND THEN THAT WORK IS FUCKING SHIT!!!!! IT LITERALLY WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME LESS TIME TO DO IT WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i am feeling very uncharitable tonight#after our last presentation the prof said i should speak less#like sure i can do that. i'm sorry my partner doesn't fucking know shit#and seemingly barely read the paper???#it would be good if we could use the meeting times to discuss the paper in detail#but last time around he had not read the paper at all by our meeting time#and this time we didn't meet at our normal time (which was my fault) but instead we met 3.5 hours before the due date#at which point we just had to do it#grrrr fucking grrrrr#also like. it's not that i'm the best group member in the world#so i am normally very charitable to people not being on top of things#but???? you have to be apologetic about it????#or at least let people know in advance like 'hey guys i'm honestly a mess sorry'#but this dude i feel like. genuinely does not have a sense that he is doing anything at all wrong#like no dude you are really fucking me over!!#also bc what he said was 'let's meet tomorrow evening#i said 'ok is 8 good?'#no response. i assume 8 is fine. i text at 8. no response#he texts me at 8:30 like 'hey is 9:30-9:45 good?'#🤦♂️#frankly if i came to a meeting and saw my groupmate had done 90% of the project#i would have been like 'oh jeez i'm so sorry thank you so much for taking initiative on this. what is there left to do i'll take it all'#'was there some sort of miscommunication that led to you doing all this that we should fix?'#'i can take the lead next time'#anyway i sent an email that was like 'we should communicate better#divide the work more clearly in advance#and make better use of our meeting time'#so hopefully that goes over well. he seems like a really nice dude!! just also a rubbish groupmate and also a capitalist bootlicker so
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
No but sometimes I am so tired of playing therapist/neurotypicals translator for my neurodivergent friend like. It's exhausting, to have to be the one to explain why your friend got upset when you just signed her up for the same study group as yourself without asking her first or letting her sign up for what group she wanted herself.
Like. I am good at patiently explaining these things, which is why she always asks me about these things but it's exhausting. But also therapy isn't very accessible and she doesn't have anyone else who really gets her problems understanding stuff to the same level I do so....
Then another friend who doesn't do this on this level but who does go on about how great it is that we can kinda laugh about neurodivergent problems together and such and how amazing it is and how she never really talked about these things with anyone else, which I agree it's great to have someone to talk about it but? The way she phrases it, puts a lot of pressure on me and makes it kinda weird? Like it's this great secret we're sharing? Especially since we haven't known each other all that long?
And like. Idk. I get it, I get to you it's amazing to have someone to talk about this to, someone who gets some of your struggles, someone who talks very openly and happily about being neurodivergent but. Man. I'm great but I'm not an expert in all things neurodivergent. I'm not?? Idk I'm not "special" for having adhd or for talking openly about it, I'm just some perfect life coach, I don't have my own life together, all I've got going for me is that I know what my problems are and that I'm not super afraid to talk about them
Idk. It's just exhausting. Like.... These two in particular just have vibes of kinda putting me on a pedestal (though in different ways) and that just makes me uncomfortable but also idk how to set boundaries there bc "stop telling me that I'm awesome" is. Hmm. It's not like that's what they do. They just imply it. They imply that things I do or say that really aren't anything special are somehow amazing and like??? Idk man I'm just me? Compliment me for the things I do that are actually awesome, not like... For agreeing to do a fun thing with you? I don't do it out of?? Pity? Or whatever? I want to do the fun thing?
#idk it's weird#the second one especially bc like... the first one I've figured out how to set boundaries mostly#she exhausts me sometimes but it's ok#but the second one? it's so weird like? idk she makes me uncomfortable sometimes#like we originally started meeting up to study and obviously ended up chatting quite a bit during that too#and she sends me like. several paragraphs long messages shortly after our meetups end several times?#that almost read like she's reviewing our conversation? it just. i don't like it#like... idk. it makes me uncomfy when ppl who don't know me that well go on about how good it was to talk to me about x or y#or how they usually don't have such great convos or whatever#like.... it feels... like they are very quickly creating an idea of who i am and what i am like in their head#and even if that idea of me is very positive it's still not accurate and it puts a lot of pressure on me to then... be that person i guess?#idk idk#and now this whole neurodivergent thing... like she basically said ''ive never told anyone this'' and i said well you don't have to#tell me your exact diagnosis or anything it's fine#and she didn't and I'm glad bc that would put even more pressure on me#but like she made it a whole Thing and i get even saying ''i'm neurodivergent'' out loud is big for her and that's great#but again. why me. we've known each other for like 3 months. please slow down there#yes I'm awesome but you're projecting ways in which i am awesome that are not real#and you don't even know about some of the ways i am indeed awesome#idk i really don't. we'll see.#trouble is i do like her and i do wanna be friends but man stop assigning me as your best friend forever please you'll get disappointed#this post went far away from it's original point and is now about so many different things#it's fine#rant#personal
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I mean sure, I can understand this perspective, but I'm not sure whether most people feel less shaken to be thrust into conversations about "self-unaliving" than conversations about "suicide"
and I for one as a survivor would much rather unexpectedly encounter somebody talking about "rape" than somebody talking about how funny it is to have sex with somebody when they don't want to, a normal thing that doesn't need to be named because it's So Normal.
which is to say. this is a post about words. the words are not the distressing thing about the discussion. the distressing thing is the distressing thing about the discussion. sugarcoating, dodging or renaming the distressing thing doesn't make it less distressing but it DOES often make it harder to have a frank discussion about it or address it in serious terms.
[pinch of salt: solid probability from their blog that this person is a Literal 14 Year Old and the perspective from 30 and 14 are very different. I do stand by all the points I'm making but I think this conversation lands a lot different for people at different life stages - there is something to be said for the general issue that the internet has flattened social groups to the degree that I as a 30 year old can make a post to my audience of largely adult millennials that immediately enters the same conversational space as people half my age and still in school. that seems. ungreat. as the primary way we engage in conversation. but I don't have solutions to offer.]
you gotta be able to say "die"
you gotta be able to say "suicide"
you gotta be able to talk about "sex"
they're uncomfortable topics, YEAH for SURE
because LIFE is uncomfortable. Death and suicide and sex and pain are straight up going to happen. not having words for the way it discomforts you doesn't make it more comfortable, it just makes you less able to reach out about it.
even more vital, you gotta be able to say words like "rape", "abuse", "queer" or "racist". cause we fought fucking hard to name those experiences. to identify "rape" as distinct from "sex" and "racism" as distinct from "acceptable behaviour" and "queer" as distinct from "invert"
like the function of communication is not to minimise immediate discomfort. we gotta be able to talk about stuff that's hard or sucks or causes difficult conversations.
#red said#i also wholeheartedly disagree with the rest of your post#all entertainment is political. all of it. because politics is the models we use to describe how we interact as a community#and art is inherently communal. so it's inherently political.#that doesn't mean all entertainment has to be a Pure Political Statement. some stuff is just dumb because dumb shit is fun.#but like it's not. detached from the world. and a lack of political intent doesn't mean it's utterly unchallenging.#ok for example. have you ever. enjoyed watching a cheesy 80s zombie movie and it is gory and stupid and great#but then there's a scene where maybe there's a really fucked-up implication about what we as an audience are meant to think#or a rape scene played for light laughs. or whatever your line is.#and they meant it to be fun. you watched it for fun. but you're not having fucking fun any more. there's a bad taste in your mouth.#contrast. sometimes i am reading a nonfiction article for work or something. it is miserable and grim it is about homelessness and dv#but the writer has put it together so well and made their point so clearly you're like YES! YES! THAT'S IT!!!!#and even beyond that like. i am a disabled multiple rape and abuse survivor. i have been through a non zero amount of The Shit.#and a lot of the stuff i find most entertaining and relaxing is stuff that acknowledges that as a Thing Which Happens#like I'm a nerd man. i like video essays about misogyny and fascism and reactionary homophobia.#i like films that make me cry bc they touch an emotional raw spot. i like tiktoks where people joke about their experiences of abuse#i like SFF stories about trauma and survival and sad robots#and yeah you know sometimes i want to watch a comedy panel show or a tiktok of bottles rolling down stairs#but effective entertainment is a conversation! comedy and chill vibes rest on like. deciding what to riff on#and who your anticipated audience is. and nah actually that's not apolitical and also#identifying common human experiences like death or trauma or marginalisation as inherently Political and therefore Unfun#misses the point that like. the question isn't what you acknowledge but how you acknowledge it.#as a rape survivor. for example. i don't necessarily want to open tiktok to a lecture on rape culture.#but i might well stick about for a standup routine about being a survivor of rape#and i will absolutely bounce from a vid where nobody mentions rape bc they think what they're talking about is fine when it's. rapey af.#anyway. this is a sidebar cause even if i agreed about entertainment v politics my main point would still stand#but i very much don't agree and i think you need to maybe look at how you approach entertainment media as neutral#but also i feel very strongly about this and not to harp on the like aS A sUrViVoR thing but#AS A SURVIVOR my fucking LIFE includes ''dark topics'' like suicide and rape. and i don't appreciate how often that's treated as#an unfair imposition to speak about or acknowledge. 'dark shit' is inescapably a major part of my life/self AND I'm funny + entertaining
136K notes
·
View notes
Text
waking up ready to cry but also .. with a cruel angel’s thesis stuck in my head lol
#just! one of those full moons where i am painfully painfully#aware AND reminded that i have nothing to offer the real world#like yeah i’m really nice i’m a good friend i love everyone#but that’s worth fuck all in capitalism isn’t it#through that lense i am a disabled drag but not disabled enough for any benefits#just enough to not be able to make enough money to ever get ahead#and forever owe somebody something#and he looked down on for that which yeah i get it!! it’s fine!#i look down on me too the fuck#yeah i’m 28 i have a job that pays very little but is very accommodating#i have a side hustle that’s incredibly inconsistent but pays well when it works#yes i did want to be better off by 28. obviously???#but that’s not my lot i get to be severely bipolar and very poor at 28#still have breakdowns over the mirror and the camera and if someone looks at me wrong#THATS what i’m doing instead#anyone reading this far.. sorry i’ll go back to being normal i’m just 🫠#haaaaaa it’s hard to keep the feeling of defeat at bay all the time#but i’ll probably never not feel like my only option is killing myself#and i KNOW. i know it’s not i know#it’s just freeing to think about#anyway…..i need to lock back in on my fantasy world bc that is what’s keeping me sane these days#even if bystanders don’t like that#personal
1 note
·
View note
Text
DEVASTATING: teen discovers their problems are shared by millions, yet the horrors persist
#it's me#i'm the teen#i have to stop mentally diagnosing myself and everyone around me with ocd i wish i never even heard of it dude it's bad#but yk it's cool 🤪 it's whatever 😜 it's groovy 😋#but like do you ever have that moment where you're like everything sucks and it's all my fault and i've made everything so much worse throug#h my inaction?? bc apparently fixating on the death of myself and others isn't just a me thingggg and everybody worries the world is going#collapse in on itself at any moment#i recognize my issues are all mental and i know they're silly and stupid so like why is it still there??? why can't i stop dwelling????#i also feel like i'm making bigger issues for myself by faking thoughts and idk how to explain this bc i know it's sounds crazy but i keep#forcing thoughts and making myself think about it for a solid moment before letting myself replace it with literally anything else or#disctracting myself with television and writing and social media#and i keep over analyzing every thought i have and everything other people say to me and dissect through the lense of what ive read about#ocd on official looking cites and i feel rude and wrong and disrespectful because of it and i just want to be present but the whole time im#having to think about how i am being present#and i think this problem could be solved if i just made friends and hung out with them or whatever but i feel like ive either missed that#boat or that everybody's already busy and doesn't want to talk to me and all of my friends actually have other friends that they primarily#talk to like i'm on everyone's back burner which is fine they should worry about their own shit but it's like i want to be someone's primary#friend#and in actuality what i really need to do is to stop thinking and this can only be done if someone were to give me a horse tranquilizer but#everyone thinks i'm joking when i say i want to be sedated#they're just “haha yea anxiety sucks” and i'm quivering and shaking like a freshly born lamb bc i cannot stand the state of the kitchen#knock me over the head with a 2x4 please please omigod please#but it's fine it's actually so cool and as long as i keep saying it's groovy everything will keep turning up roses so it's fine#god i need to get over myself#someone please tell me exactly how like step by step and preferably a free option as having to spend my mothers money gives me a panic attac#k#thank you 😘
0 notes
Text
yayyyy anxiety yippee!!!
#having really awful anxiety about going to this thing#for my arabic class#and i know why its because i never feel like. arab enough which is fucking stupid bc i am arab and because most of my classmates are fully#not arab at all#but im compensating by being really anxious about what im wearing which is making me anxious about my BODY#and now i just want to lay down and hide#whatever. im just . raaaa#i wish not everything was such a fucking event for me#it's literally a tea night. we're having tea and meeting the new international fellow.#and im about to throw up with anxiety over it#ive deleted and readded my name to the attendance sheet six times today but these events are required so if i dont go to this one i will#have to go to the next and it only gets harder the longer i wait#itll be fine and ill go to the gym after i guess
0 notes